Muslim Men Have Secret Wives

muslim men have secret wives

Some polygamous Muslim men have secret wives, which is wrong. A marriage is nothing to hide. In fact, a husband and a wife should publicize it. Marriage should bring the spouses pride and respect. After all, it is an honorable institution.

We know that some polygamous Muslim men have secret wives, as a number of the wives have come forth to speak with us about it. They said that when they married the men, they did not know the men were already married. On the other hand, some agreed to the secrecy. The wife thought that her husband would soon tell his other wife that he had married again. However, he usually doesn’t.

Polygamous Muslim men have secret wives, and it seems that they don’t care how much all the wives suffer as a result of it. No matter how the marriage came about, at some point she realizes that she doesn’t want to stay a secret. She no longer accepts what she has become and wants to change it, but she doesn’t know how.

So why when men may have up to four wives at one time do some polygamous Muslim men have secret wives?

It’s probably because they only care about themselves. They don’t care about the wives whom they degrade by keeping them as a secret. It’s clear that a Muslim man who has a secret wife doesn’t care much, if at all, about Islam either.

Many times, the Muslim man uses Islam to put a lawful label of marriage on his illicit activity. He carries out the relationship under the name of marriage. We know that Affairs, which involve adultery and fornication are common among non-Muslims. By the same token, there are Muslims who conduct their so-called marriages as though they are affairs. They have a wife as well as a woman who is like a mistress on the side, whom they call a wife.

Polygamous Muslim men have secret wives and hide them for fear of their first wives

Doesn’t he know that Allah tells us to fear nothing and no one but Him? More often than not, the husband knows his first wife won’t approve of him becoming polygamous. He knows she won’t accept it. Therefore, he sets out to have a wife on the side, whom he doesn’t let his first wife know about. The husband fears that his first wife will leave him, if he marries another openly. He fears the problems that taking another wife would cause in his existing marriage.

Muslim men have secret wives, as they don’t want the hassle of dealing with their first wives. Polygamous Muslim men have secret wives, as they don’t want to deal with their first wives who reject polygamy. They don’t want to lose their first wives. It is why they have secret wives. It has nothing to do with Islam or polygamy. It’s about what the man wants for himself.

One should note that the first wife has a problem with Islam, if she rejects polygamy. If the first wife is not part of the solution, she is part of the problem.

Polygamous Muslim men have secret wives, as they think they can’t live a polygamous lifestyle respectfully

He sets himself up in a relationship that amounts to an affair and calls it polygamy. A man should consider remaining monogamous, if he has fear of telling his wife and children that he will have another family other than them. Yet, he, out of selfishness and greed, takes advantage of the very people (women) whom he should protect.

Who suffers when the husband sets out to fulfill his lustful desires? The wives do. The wife whom the husband has kept the truth from is the victim. The wife whom the husband has kept hidden is the victim, as well.

A woman should refuse marriage to a man, if it will make her a secret wife. Don’t agree to it. She should decline marriage to a man who wants to hide her from his other family. A man hides what he has shame for. “Wife” is a title that should come with dignity and respect. A man who follows the Quran and lives it would not hide a wife.

Muslim men and women should not make something beautiful such as marriage into something ugly. Marriage should not look like or feel like a forbidden affair.

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muslim men have secret wives

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471 Comments

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2017

    Dear Tofa,

    I’m glad we were of some help to you. It’s what we’re here to do, help others and one another. It’s nice to meet you; although it’s under such circumstances. We’re here if you need to talk more. I’m hoping you find the info you need to help you make your intentions as to what is suitable to you.

    Just keep in mind that dealing with a man who believes in the right to have more than one wife won’t be easy. You’re always left wondering if one day he may go off and marry another. On the other hand, Muslim women should know that it’s always a possibility that their husbands may marry more women. No one can prevent another person’s fate. If a man is meant to have more than one wife, nothing will keep it from happening.

    There are no guarantees in relationships. No one knows for sure that a man in a monogamous marriage won’t “cheat” on his wife, or that a man in a dating relationship won’t step out on his girlfriend.

    There is no happily-ever-after on this planet. It’s a life of trials, tribulations and punishment. It’s a life that one must toil and struggle in with periods of respite. However, we can have contentment and ease in it, when we live right, as in obey and worship our Creator as He commands us to.

  • Tofa

    October 4, 2017

    Dear Ana thank very much for replying and shearing your thoughts about my relationship with this man hope its keep me search for the truth and his become clean not hide any secret marriage or going to have another one on the way cos I love him and live happy and forever not with any issues about this kind of mans reserve by many wives or many years stand standby it’s ridiculous .I told him if his unfaithful me and kids and my family are not happy if his hide anything from us his good man not as good if his hide behind my back we don’t too much hurts in this short life we live it’s enough it’s enough I say to him did his parents have many marriage or brothers and sisters ,he say no and I told so why mans wants to have so many wife’s it is a religion or they think might be punished by they religion or god it’s unbelievable it’s our human right not as they selfishness and greed and wants have many as to rely on treat as women’s slave around n they let them do what ever they like and leave woman’s out of the picture and they have manys as they like as one bundle of family.i told this man he should be honest I’m still search it I found out on my own eyes and if his family tell me abt anything we better be over me n him I pray god if this is right man for me he will be bless but if his not I’m waiting him to show the truth of him he trying blind me .thank you Ana for reading my story it’s release some of suspicion feeling anyway I’m never give up for my right to be treat as his only one wife .thank you for answer my letter in this blog have god bless you for shearing and give me some advice to keep us calm and get us in right direction

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2017

    Dear Tofa,

    Do you think he is already married? Do you see signs that may indicated that he is? For instance, does he travel back and forth to his native land often or talk so you can’t hear him? I’d imagine he may speak to others from his country in his language that you’re not familiar with. Anyhow, he has let you know now that he would like to have more than one wife. When he met you he couldn’t tell you that he definitely would or would not have more than one wife in the future, as he, nor does anyone know the future.

    I understand you not wanting to be with him, if he has more than one wife or will. One could expect that if potential spouses are of different religions that that they would have problems in their relationship due to those differences, as you can see. It’s inevitable.

  • Tofa

    October 3, 2017

    Dear Ana .Thank very much for your reply ,I wants make sure this relastionship with this man its faithful cos I told him if he has anyone or if his be unfaithful he better move his life I don’t want Polygmous or he has secret married or another women leave behind cos when we’re met I ask him if he had girlfriend or his being married before he say no and I told your better be honest cos I told him you can run but you can’t hide secret will always come up I keep praying God for his rite time for me n him to become clean in vow of marriage in god blessing I talk with his family on phone not much cos can’t speak English fluent ,I told him if had any women , better leave get his stuff out my house and go lived with who ever cos I don’t wants live with man have more wives I have one god one man I be heard Muslim some mans have many wife’s I suggest I don’t needs problems I wants my freedom my happy in this world no needs dishonest man handing around with many wife’s and I told this man he needs to be honest or I find out myself and willl be law act on his head .i will stay strong and pray god if this man honest no lies I dnt wants gets hurts .thanks and god bless

  • anabellah

    October 2, 2017

    Tofa, Hello and Welcome to the blog.

    I’m not sure what advice you need. What I gathered from your post is that you want to marry the Iraqi man with whom you have been living for three years, and he has told you that he wants to have many wives, which you don’t like.

    I find it interesting that he as an Iraqi man is living with you, I presume, in an intimate relationship without being married. I don’t know whether your children are fathered by him or not. Most Iraqi men are Muslim, so I understand how he intends to be polygamous (have more than one wife).

    I think where you went wrong was in not getting married to him before you began to live with and be intimate with him. It’s important that a woman look into the man’s background and culture before she gets involved with him, as well. If you had, you probably would have learned that polygamy is allowed in Islam.

    If you love him and want to remain with him, then I suppose you’ll have to accept that he is allowed more than one wife. Whether he’ll marry you or not, only God knows. Those men don’t usually marry women whom they’ve laid with already without having to be married to them.

    It’s on you whether you stay in the relationship or leave it. You have to make your intentions as to what you want to do. You can’t make him do anything. You can act for yourself and for your children.

  • Tofa

    October 2, 2017

    Hi I read this beautiful story it’s very sad I have relationship with Iraq man for three years now we lived together and I love him so much and I keep ask him we’re need to get married but he always keep saying this words he wants married many wife’s and I told is better to leave me n my kids I don’t want this he should honest and and do the right thing I heard some Muslim about mans have many wife’s that’s ridiculous man try to be selfish themselves wants to be serve like a king and treat women’s like a slave and do what ever they wants in this world .i really needs advice please because this man I love very much if u could please reply me.

  • Gail

    June 11, 2017

    Ana,
    When I read these post of these women being secret wives I always wonder in my mind how they agreed to such nonsense.I mean I understand out right being lied to but I can’t understand how that conversation would even go to be honest.Husband…I will marry u but the marriage has to be a secret… Just thinking about a man telling me that I know my very next response would be KISS OFF because I personally take it as I am good enough to screw but not good enough to take home to Mom/the family and the cherry on top would be knowing his other wife is accepted in his family.I remember I had this Guy his name was Shannon back in High School he claimed he liked me etc.. He was a really cute guy so I went out with him a few times but he was acting like he wanted to keep us going out on the down low and he was bringing up this other girl Gina.Didn’t take to long for me to figure out I was not his number one pick so I told him straight I’m not interested in keeping anything on the down low and I was out of there.Well needless to say after a few days he calls me and tells(like he is doing me a favor) We can bring that we were dating out in the open.I instantly told him NO thanks I had interest in a Senior(which ended up being my first husband) and told Shannon straight he lost his chance with me…sooo I know I would never let anyone keep me as a secret anything.

  • Tasliyman

    June 11, 2017

    It’s so shocking to see how often the secret wife scenario actually occurs. I would never gave guessed it had it not been for this blog. Maybe I’m just naive.

    I suppose this is where having a Wali to handle the wedding arrangements will protect you. The Wali should ensure that the current wife is aware of the husband’s plan to get married again. Whether she accepts it or not is a different debate BUT she should at the very least know about it.

    I can see now why it is not good enough to just take the husband’s word on this matter.

  • anabellah

    June 10, 2017

    Amina, Hello and Welcome. It’s nice you are here. 🙂

    We hear quite often from women who married as “secret wives”. In fact after you wrote to us today, I decided to write another article about it: Do Not Become a Secret Wife

    It sounds that what is going on with you is something that Allah speak of in the Holy Quran. He tells men not to leave their wives “hanging”, meaning feeling as though they have no husband. For instance, the husband may not come to see them and spend time with them and won’t divorce them either. You said, you feel like you are not married, so it fits the bill.

    It appears to me, based on what you’ve stated that you will have to make your intention to either stay in the marriage and accept it as is, knowing that it won’t necessarily always be this way, or seek a divorce. Although, he won’t give you a divorce, you could still seek one. Go to your local masjid and speak with someone in authority there about it, so they could assist you.

    You need to take responsibility for the part that you’ve played in this situation, as well. You agreed to be a secret, as you’ve been one for two years. You didn’t INSIST that he let his other wife and his family know about you before you married him. For instance, wives need to say to the potential husband: You let your wife and your family know about me before we get married or I won’t marry you. It’s as simple as that. She then needs to standby what she says. Most women don’t demand such because they want the man so badly, and they follow the lusts of their hearts.

    With regard to your husband and his lying, apparently it is what he does. It’s part of his character. You can’t change that. He must deal with that issue himself. I wouldn’t suggest you hold your breath waiting for him to be a forthright, upright, honest man. You know he runs about sneaking, hiding and lying. Again, it’s what he does, according to what you’ve stated.

    Do you have any children by him? Do you have any male Muslim relatives or close Muslim male friends or a wali who could step to him and mediate on your behalf?

  • Amina

    June 10, 2017

    I am married for two years now and am d second wife,but I have never meet my husbands relatives not once and when ever I mentioned that to him he is nvr intrested. His first wife is not aware of our marriage too but he alway lies about her aware of it which I knw is not true, my husband does not lyk staying long in my house he is always on the run, if he is in town he lies to me that he trvld which I knw is a total lie he is in the first wife’s house he lies he is on a trip for office work or something else always giving excuses and if I will call him a 100 times he will nvr pick my calls until he is out of her house. I haven’t seen my husband for 6months he keeps telling me that he is not around. Last week I worked in to his office and I meet him Thr . But his answer was the lies he is always good @ that he just returned not long ago. That was how he returns home after 6 months he spend a night and left for work telling me that he will b bk i waited for him I cald but not a single reply from him. I asked him so many times why is he doing this but thrs nothing to say but stupid excuses I begged him for divorce but still he refused I just don’t understand am confuse sometimes I feel like am not married

  • Tasliyman

    April 5, 2017

    Pari,

    Just one quick point. Marriage in islam is not supposed to be a secret. Blaming “your faith” for this secret marriage is thus inaccurate.

    I cant imagine the pain you must be going through and I hope you find ease in your situation. I also truly hope that you realise that the help you need can be found by turning TOWARDS Allah, certainly not away from Him.

  • anabellah

    April 4, 2017

    Pari,

    What Serena said to you about forgiving your late husband to benefit yourself is very important. It doesn’t matter to your husband whether you forgive him or not, as he is no longer living. You’re aren’t hurting him, you’re hurting yourself. So, to hold onto the bitterness and anger only eats away at you. It will weaken and destroy you, if you don’t get your mind right.

    You said he deserves punishment. Well, let Allah be the Judge of that. He is a Just God. If Allah deems that your late husband deserves punishment, he will surely receive it.

  • Serena

    April 4, 2017

    Pari

    May Allah make it easy to deal with all that you are going through.

    Pari where have you got your knowledge from that Islam makes things easy for men and gives them rights only? Sister read the meaning of the quran. You will find woman have rights too and in fact woman have it easy if they obey Allah.

    I get that you are angry with your husband but he is no longer so please find it in your heart to forgive him, not for him but for yourself so that you can move on and get rid of bitterness towards him.

    Will not the word of Allah give you comfort? Go and bow down to Allah and tell Him. Seek help in prayer. I hope other sisters will advise you too.

  • anabellah

    April 4, 2017

    Pari, Welcome to the blog

    I’m sorry to hear that after your husband’s death you learned that he had another wife and child while he was living with and married to you. Based on what you’ve said, I don’t think you were totally surprised by the revelation, as you stated he went to umrah after you suspected he was having an “affair.”

    It’s important that you move on and leave the past in the past. It’s time to move forward, as nothing will change what has already happened. What is done is done.

    I must say that if you expect your life to get better, you need to work on learning your Islam and becoming a better Muslim. Do you intend to stay Muslim? If so, you need to get your Imam right. Blaming Islam (Allah) won’t help you.

    You complain about being told to have patience? Allah tells us to exercise patience in all that happens to us. He stresses for us to be patient. Now you’re saying you don’t like it. REALLY? Who are you?

    Allah made polygamy permissible for men. Allah decides who our mates are. He decides what order we marry our husbands in. Allah decides all things.

    Sounds that Satan has become your intimate companion. No one can give you comfort but Allah. With your attitude, do you really think that you deserve any comfort and ease in your life?

    Forget about the community. Is the community paying your bills, putting food on your table or taking care of you in any way? Allah is taking care you. You best be more concerned with your relationship with Him and about wanting and trying to enter Jannah/Paradise.

    You said no words can give you comfort. Then what do you intend to do? Are you going to continue to sit and talk about “woe is me” and have yourself a friggin pitty party all day and night?

  • Pari

    April 4, 2017

    I found out my husband had a secret second wife 3 months after he passed away. He also had a secret child.

    I am angry with him but more disappointed and upset with my faith . It seems tone made for men. Sabah Sabah Sabar is all I read. All for women whilst men go out and enjoy themselves. That gives me no comfort as my husband was not fair or equal to me. His treatment to me was harsh. I endured humiliation when he was Alive and humiliation now he is dead.

    I am not a forgiving wife. He deserves punishment. He ran off to umrah when we suspected he was having an affair. Islam makes these things easy for men. All the rights are made for men. I have read e tens overly into Islam. Women , especially first wife has no rights.

    I live each day feeling like a mistress as he bought me gifts but spent the nights with her.

    I am left to face community, family and my teenage daughters.

    Sabar is something Men ask women to do.

    hurt, disappointed sister

    No words give her comfort

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2017

    Aaliyah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome 🙂

    I have copied your post over onto the January 2017 discussion forum, so that you don’t get lost over here on this thread. It’s best you talk over there, but thank you for commenting here, as well.
    The January 2017 discussion forum

  • Aaliyah

    January 6, 2017

    Asalaamalaykum I have been with my husband for 13 years 5 of which I have been married to him for. I am his second wife, I agreed to marry him on the condition that he tells his first wife and family about our relationship. He told them and as expected they did not agree to me being his wife. His sister’s started to take sides with his wife and they kept calling me and swearing. His first wife threatened to leave him if he stayed with me and said that he would not be allowed to see his children. At first I tried to be patient and tell him to let her be angry as she needed time to come to terms with what he had done bit instead he lied to her and said that we are divorced. He has been caught out by her several times since but he always manages to make her believe that he is no longer with me. I have become a dirty secret and as a result of this I only get 2 nights in a week and only see him in the night. He does not provide for me or give me any rights that a wife has. We argue all the time and I’m left alone for sometimes weeks on end. He always says that he has more responsibilities at the other house and that he will answer to Allah SWT for what he is doing. I am suffering with various illnesses and one of them is progressive, he was aware of my illness before marriage and despite my best efforts to make him understand that getting married is a bad idea he insisted that we marry. He has made many promises all of which he has broken. I am so upset as I went against my family’s advice to be with him and fought with his family too. He has no consideration for me or my feelings, I feel very dirty and used. The only good that has come from this is that I have turned to Allah SWT because I know only HE SWT can comfort me and guide me. I strongly advise any woman who is thinking about being a second wife to think twice, it will turn you in to someone you never were or even worse the type of person  you hate. 

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Jaiyana,

    As ummof4 stated, it’s good you found out that he’s married before you married him. I know it’s not easy for you, especially after having invested a year and a half on him. Thank Allah much that you didn’t marry him. In time, Insha Allah, your heart will mend. You’ll pick up the pieces and become whole again.

  • ummof4

    December 26, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum Jaiyana,

    It is good that you found out the truth before you married him.  May Allah grant you a righteous Muslim husband in the near future.

  • Jaiyana

    December 26, 2016

    I M a born muslim woman from Merzouga Sahara Morocco and have been betrayed by a deceitful liar who led me on for 18 months with promises of marriage.  He just now decited to tell me the truth, and that is only because of my brother. He is already married and wanted me to be his secret 2nd wife. I am devastated and broken into pieces.

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    ~Fatima~ Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Hey you! 🙂 I absolutely remember you. How are you doing? Did you remarry your ex-husband again or have you married someone else or is there a prospect or you’re just taking it easy and being patient, taking one day at a time?

    I haven’t heard from Gail in a long while. I miss her, too. she hasn’t been on the Blog for quite some time now. Last time she was here, she let us know that she was very busy. Maybe one day soon, Insha Allah, she’ll stop in and give us a shout out.

    I’m so happy that you stopped in to say hello. Inshallah, if you get a chance do so more often. I hope everything is going well with your businesses. I think about you every now and again. It’s so nice to hear from you, Fatima 🙂

    Oh, I’m well. Thank you!

  • ~Fatima~

    October 3, 2016

    SalamAlaikum Ana.

    Its me Fatima.. Remember me? I  was married to the india man and he married his cousin while he was married to me?

    I wanted to say hi and how are you? I found your site again. I have not been on here in years it seems. I am doing well by Grace of God. Is Gail still on here? I miss that girl . Looks like new names on here as well.

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Cindy,

    I don’t know how you would find out if your husband has taken a second wife in Pakistan. There was some discussion on the Pakistani thread about how it could be done. I know the thread has a copious amount of comments and it may be difficult to find the posts that relates to it.

    Off the top of my head I remember some commentators say its virtually impossible to do as some marriages aren’t registered and people can easily be paid off to lie.

  • Cindy

    October 3, 2016
    1. How do I find out if my husband has taken a second wife in Pakistan.

  • ummof4

    September 3, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Pearl, please follow your walee’s advice.  Alhamdulillah you are using and consulting with him.  Hopefully he can help you in your search for a husband. However, remember that if you marry a man without a wife, it doesn’t mean that he will never marry a second wife.  Religion, age and health, and financial capability are all essentials.

    I laughed when you said that the other sisters at the masjid are young and inexperienced.  But you’re only 30, which to you may seem old and experienced, but to me is still a baby.  It’s all relative.  However, I’m sure that there are some mature sisters in the community, maybe the younger sisters have older sisters, aunts or mothers that you can relate to better.  

  • Marah S

    September 3, 2016

    Pearl, 

    You should listen to your wali and leave this man alone. Just try to be patient, the right man will come eventually. Don’t rush into a marriage with some shady guy on the Internet. Anyone can sound to be a good Muslim online.

  • Pearl

    September 3, 2016

    Sorry to clarify , the wali said to stay away from this man because he is already starting with lies.

  • Pearl

    September 3, 2016

    Walaikum Salam rahmatullah wa barakatuh ,

    thank you ummof4 for your input .

    your intentions are pure and I appreciate it .

    i want to ask you something ..

    lets say he is willing to tell his wife .

    its weird because he is a practicing Muslim and is successful so it gives me security especially me having two children . 

    I have a wali who I consult with and from his perspective he is saying the same thing .

    he advised it is best to find a man with no wife . 

    Here are the criterias I 

    1. Religion , strong deen character and ethics 

    2. Age and health 

    3. To be only wife 

    4. Financial capable 

     

    I don’t know why it’s hard for me to forget him. Maybe because we have a lot in common and I know there is financial security . 

    You are right though I have to be careful ,

    some men try to trick women online and not have a wedding ceremony and only nikkah or no dowry.

     

    i do go to the masjid but the women are younger and inexperienced I’m 30 so I need to find sisters with more experience 

    make duaa for me to find a good husband 

     

    jazakuh Allahu Khayran 

  • ummof4

    September 3, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Pearl, I believe it would be best for you to leave this man alone.  You are a new Muslim, Alhamdulillah.  If you live in a place where there are other Muslims, I advise you to try to meet other Muslim sisters.  This can be done at the masjid or at other events sponsored by Muslims.  Also, go to the masjid and talk whomever is in authority to begin the procedure to have a walee (guardian) appointed to you for marriage. If you become involved in the Muslim community, you may make friends and contacts.  They may help you to find a husband who is compatible with you and who wants to live Islam properly and please Allah.  It is not proper according to Islam for a Muslim woman to arrange her own marriage.  Many men go on the internet to find unsuspecting, naïve women to marry. PLEASE, PLEASE,PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FIND A HUSBAND ON YOUR OWN THROUGH THE INTERNET. 

    What I have stated applies to all marriages, not just to polygynous ones. 

     

  • Pearl

    September 3, 2016

    I need an opinion 

    a am a recent Muslima revert and I have been looking for marriage . My intention was not to consider polygyny because I am young and I was confident there was a single brother out there that would meet my criteria . 

    i came across one brother who is from the UK and I am from Canada . He sent an interest for me so I looked at his profile . It was online and originally his profile said he is from Germany.

    i scrolled and everything looked okay until I saw ” accepts polygyny”

    i know that Allah swt makes multiple wives permissible but I wasn’t familiar with it since I recently became a Muslim .

    i decided to get to know him and ask why he is looking for a second wife … He mentioned that he wanted to make polygyny revive again since it was not common or looked down upon in the Muslim community nowadays .

    two weeks in to knowing him I found out his wife did agree to accept polygamy but only if her conditions were met .

    i asked if they were and he said no.

    they have  1yr old and a baby on the way . She wants 3 children and a home in her name .

    i asked if she knew he was searching for a wife and that he was considering me . He said no , he has mixed feelings about this because 

     

    1. Because his wife is pregnant her emotions may make her sensitive and try to convince him and get his family to convince him not to take a second wife . His brother apparently went ahead with the 2nd marriage and then told the family after because he wanted to avoid the drama and now they accept the second wife 

    2. His father is set in his traditions ( Pakistan ) so he has preference with nationality , education etc and wouldn’t be happy about him having a foreigner as a wife .

    although he is able to manage two families . 

    The mere fact that he has to hide this until nikkah is made is concerning .

    i won’t lie he has many good traits we have a lot in common and he would support me in anyway possible which is something I need but him hiding this even for a temporary amount of time is concerning . Leads me to think that if he is doing this to his wife now , what will he do to the future one.

    sisters what are your thoughts 

     

     

  • Gail

    February 27, 2016

    Seeking Resolution,

    I agree with u that husbands should not keep secret wives and I agree with u that Muslim men should have more character than to be cowards if they r going to take other wives BUT the fact of the matter is alot of Muslim men are COWARDS and will lie like dogs to cover their tracks.
    The real question here is what do u intend to do about it.Ok so he has not told u officially yet but u have good reason to believe he is either whoring around or has another wife so really the ball is in your court.You have an option to pack your bags and leave him or u u have the option to ignore it for now.Look if he has another wife u can be pretty darn sure that sooner or later the truth will come out so u don’t really have to feel pressured about it if as u really say u will accept Polygamy.
    Decide first if u r going to accept Polygamy then u have your answer how to proceed.

  • ummof4

    February 27, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Seeking resolution, I don’t think that you are a bother to anyone, especially Ana. It’s okay for you to just come here and vent. It’s just that you said you were looking for assistance, then you seemed to know just what to do. But again, it’s okay just to come here and vent.

    While my husband has not lied to me about getting married, a number of sisters on this blog have had experiences similar to yours. Each woman has to decide for herself how much she can put up with in a marriage. Some women can stay with a husband who habitually lies, others cannot. Some women stay with a husband who has committed adultery, others cannot. It seems that your husband has lied to you for years, yet you stay married to him. I guess he has good qualities that outweigh his bad qualities to you. However, I don’t believe anyone can change another person.

    Everyone have a nice week remembering Allah and our duty to Him.

  • Seeking resolution

    February 27, 2016

    To be honest I’m not sure what I want or expect from this post. Initially to connect with other sisters in a polygamist marriage. To understand how to cope, how to manage through this when a husband keeps his marriages a secret. Your right I may not need to be in this forum. I just needed to vent, to understand this way of life, this is a first for me. I’ve been cheated on before when I was married to a non Muslim but then I married a Muslim and thought I would at least get the truth being that he’s Muslim and Allah allows polygamy. Idk my head swims about it…I’m sorry to bother you

  • anabellah

    February 27, 2016

    Seeking resolution, As Salaamu Alaikum

    From reading your posts, it seems you have the answers, so I’m not quite sure what you are looking for from us here. You know it would be best that your husband tells you the truth and that you not spy. You want him to tell you the truth. I certainly understand it. You already have an idea of what the truth is about your husband. You can’t beat the truth out of him. So, what more are you looking for? We aren’t here to have a philosophical discussion on truth telling and spying.

    We’d like to have a discussion with you, but we need to know what you want to discuss other than the good or bad of spying and lying. Help us out here.

  • Seeking resolution

    February 27, 2016

    Asa wa rahmatoulah wa barakatuh, I would like to say shukran sister for your response jazakAllah Khair. In response to your question, Allah always sends us signs and symbols and the truth always win and falsehood perishes I believe that and I’ve seen and bear witness to this truth. Now as far as my husband telling the truth about his secret mistresses and/or secret wives I’m sure without a doubt the truth sets us all free from shaiton grips as lying is dark and sinister. As well as spyjng which can lead to greater sins. This is awful Allah tells us to guard our souls. The truth and openness will set us both free of the afflictions ?, there would be no need to spy or lye. Your right we both have to submit our will to Allah and know truly it is Allah who is in control. I know when my husband lye women have a six sense about these things. Is he habitual is it his character? Most definitely and it drives my bonkers. But he’s a good guy and I trust him to do exactly what he do nothing more or less. I seen Allah take this brother from one extreme to the next on certain things. So I know he has nothing to fear from telling the truth. I have nothing to gain from spying but being upset. It just seems like he’s cheating and has a mistress not a wife. Idk I pray for the truth from his mouth and I will know it, as Allah will show me that it is the truth, then I can relax as he can have up to 4 wives. Which is fine but be respectful of women and be a man about it. Meanwhile, I wanted to know others thoughts on the subject from a spiritual, quranic and sunnah point of view. Secrets are no good and it stunts the growth of our deen and not to mentions it’s Satans playground.

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2016

    Seeking resolution,

    I gave your situation some more thought. You said you want to hear the truth from your husband so that it will set you and him free. I don’t quite understand how it would do that. How will you know what he tells you is the truth or not? Say for instance, he tells you that he did not marry someone else after he married you and he says it is the truth. Is it really all that it would take to set you free? Do you think just by him saying yes, he married another, it would cause you to stop spying? There will always be more that you’d want to uncover. I think it goes deeper than it.

    You’re blaming his action on causing you to do a wrongful act. You need to take responsibility for what you do. You’re thinking for him, as well, when you said, if he tells you the truth, he too will be right with Allah and free from Satan. What makes you think it? How do you know what it would do for him? He may still continue to lie and chase women

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2016

    Seeking resolution, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome 🙂

    I’ve heard that line before. The man says he doesn’t want to be polygamous, and won’t because another household would be too much for him to manage. One could simply write that one off that he wasn’t aware or didn’t believe that only Allah knows what a person’s future will be. The man erroneously thinks that he makes things happen.

    In your case, your husband flat out lied to you about not having other wives. There is no excuse for it. He lied to protect his own hide and to get what he wants. There is a ayah in the Quran in which Allah says that everyone acts according to his own disposition. It appears that your husband is disposed to lying. It’s what he does. Just as he lied to you to get you to marry him, he could be married to another, besides the others that he lied about, as you suspect.

    The question is whether you will accept what he is (a habitual liar and womanizer), and leave him be to continue as his lying self or you constantly snoop and spy to uncover his lies, which benefits you in no way as you know or you leave his lying @$$,and move on. Moving on is difficult when you love someone. You shouldn’t expect a person who habitually lies and womanize to suddenly become truthful. I suggest you ask Allah to help you stop the snooping and spying and you let your husband be himself and do what he does. He has to account to Allah for it. You need to turn to Allah for guidance, as to what to do.

  • Seeking resolution

    February 22, 2016

    Asa wa rahmatoulah wa barakatuh, I am an American Muslimah and I married a Senegalese Muslim. When we married he promised me he was not a polygamous and would and could not handle more than one wife and one hiusehold. we applied for his green card but immigration denied his application because they suspected he has other wives, at that time he confessed to me indeed he does. It was difficult for me to bear but I turned to Allah and he granted me peace as these were wives before me and mothers to his children. But now I suspect he is courting other women as if he’s having an affair and keeping them secret I believe he will marry or have married the in secret. I confronted him but he denied it and says I’m giving him problems and continues to misrepresent the truth, I need resolution as it causes me to spy to try to get at the truth but it’s s vicious circle and j fear disobedience to Allah. I’m at my wits end and desperate. I love him and won’t leave but I want to hear the truth from him to set us free from the shaiton and right with Allah.

  • Gail

    November 24, 2015

    Ana,

    Yes it is sooo creepy and I what creeps me out even more is just maybe my own husband put him up to trying to keep me in Pakistan that time.I doubt my husband told him to put the moves on me but lets face it I am sure his brother new he was cheating on me in USA and had his cousin wife in Pakistan besides me.Hell in his brothers mind he might have thought he was doing me a favor or something.That really came into my mind when my husband started making excuses for his brother like I am stupid and don’t know when a man is trying to put the moves on me.
    The dude was pulling me aside to talk and locking the door behind us.I finally told him knock off it looks bad he just got married.One night he put his hand on my shoulder and another time on my knee and then one night he came in my room sat right beside my bed on the sofa and just sat there playing games on his phone.Like he was wanting me to wake up and talk to me or more.I mean it was very late night everyone was asleep and i was in the bed.I got so freak out that after that i always locked my door.Not to mention he insisted and I mean insisted I go out with him and his new wife to eat .I told him no and he just would not take no for an answer.Him and i were arguing one day in my room.i told him i was leaving to come back to the states and he started begging me not to go back i told him i had to i was not his babysitter and I was stuck there.He got his car keys out to his brand new car and told me the car is mine just don’t leave him.in walks his wife and I am sitting on the bed with him holding my hands begging me almost crying not to leave him and in she walks and he says get ready we r going to the village.I got angry and said NO WAY i am not going to the village I am done with this u take me straight to the airport or call me a cab well his wife says u need to let excowife say goodbye.I got so angry and told her to mind her own business and get out of my room.Well she started toward me to fight me and I stood up and my brother inlaw pushed her so hard she flew back into the dresser and hit the mirror and he turned screamed at her and told her GET OUT! Then he turned to me and he said u just tell me right now to divorced her and I will and he looked at her and i got shock what the hell he was talking and she looked at us both like we were having an affair.In walks my FIL and ask what the heck is going on and I am in shock at this time and i tell him i am leaving and he says no u stay here I said hell no i am leaving for the airport NOW! Well he starts throwing things and breaking crap and I am just shocked what is going on and grab my boys start loading our suitcases.My brother inlaw comes back in and says his wife says if he don’t take her with us then she is leaving him like not 10 minutes before he was saying on my words he would divorce her.I just looked at him figuring out he used her for immigration only and he could not stand her I told him do what he wants I am done with this entire mess.I have really never spoken to him sense that time.This all took place i guess about 6 yrs ago.3yrs ago when i went back to Pakistan i lived in another house so I did not have to see him.I never went to my inlaws stayed in my house.He tried to come a few times but he kept his distance because my husband was there that trip.

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2015

    I meant to say I DON’T have to see the friend requests that I decline.

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2015

    Wow, Gail,

    Brother-in-law put the moves on you? That’s just nasty. What is wrong with people? I’d imagine your husband did dismiss it when you told him. Who would want to believe something like that. No! Don’t accept brother-in-law’s friend request on FaceBook and stay your distance from him entirely. I think you could just delete his request or hide it. I can’t remember what I do to the one’s on the polygamy 411 Facebook page when I reject a friend request. I do one or the other. I just have to see the ones I declined. I decline people who page is in another language or there are unsavory pics on their pages.

    The whole Pakistani culture thing is foreign to me. I can only go by what I’ve learned on this blog and in the media. I know one thing for sure; if I were to divorce and were to marry again, my intention is to remain with my own nationality. Marriage is tough enough let alone mixing culture in it. To HeLL with that.

    I just don’t know what you should do about your in-laws. If they give you the Heebee, Geebees, I just don’t know what to say. I can’t get over your brother-in-law creeping you either. It’s some crazy sh1t. Excuse my French. Ugh

  • Gail

    November 23, 2015

    Ana,
    I don’t know I am just so numb to it all anymore.I don’t get the whole marriage thing to be honest.If u don’t want a relationship with someone then why get married it seems nuts to me.
    I just can’t deal the thought of his parents to be honest I really can’t stomach it.I see it like this if they can’t forgive their own family members then why should i forgive them.It’s not like they r good people or have learned to work with others.Something about those people don’t sit right with me at all.
    I didn’t tell u but my insane Brother Inlaw tried to friend request me on FB.That dude 3 yrs ago tried to put the moves on me in Pakistan when my husband was in USA and I was visiting Pakistan.I told my husband about the incidences and he just blew me off like I was a lying or didn’t understand the situation correctly.Even the weird part was I went with his fiance at the time to Pakistan because she was scared to go alone so I went with her.I got shocked what the Heck he was doing.It turned into a huge mess and I figure looking back my husband had something to do with the mess.It is something I have held inside but now his brother has come sniffing back around and I don’t like it I told him and he said just don’t add him and ignore his request.Well now I have to see his request daily on my FB page which drives me crazy because I want to just not accept it and move on.The whole family is weird .

  • anabellah

    November 22, 2015

    Gail,

    Many husbands are lunatic, mine as well, but what is one to do??? Men are just that – MEN. They aren’t women and they don’t think as we do. We can’t expect them to be like us. Some of them lie and some lie A LOT. If they are liars, it’s what they do. The liar has to change him or herself. It doesn’t matter what we say to them. They still are what they are – liars.

    You could leave him because he’s a straight up liar. The thing is – you may get another one like him, or worse or less as bad LOL. If you don’t get a liar, you’ll get something else that maybe worse or maybe not. Only God knows what he would be. You have to accept the person for what he or she is. I don’t mean LIKE what the person does. I mean know what he does and what he is and don’t lose sight of it. Don’t fall asleep on him. It’s who you married. Maybe one day before he dies he will change.

    I don’t understand why some men lie, knowing they most of the time will get caught. I would have been better to tell the truth at the onset. Deal with the repercussions, and keep it moving. But, nooooo, they rather lie, deal with the repercussions, and have made themselves look very bad in their spouse’s eyes. The way I see it is – Allah says there are certain types of people who only deal in conjectures and lies. It’s what they do. If we’ve got one of them, then we need to recognize him for what he is and deal with him accordingly.

    I wouldn’t let it influence your intent to allow his parents back into the home. They had nothing to do with him lying. He owns it (his lying).

    About the motorcycle, you may want to tell your husband to go to the person who owns the motorcycle and tell the owner – my wife doesn’t want a motorcycle or anything not connected with the business in the garage, so I have to ask you to remove it. My wife is part owner of the business as I am and I must consider her wishes. It’s nothing personal. It’s just business.

    He should say something like it and put the weight on you. The other person should understand and if he doesn’t, then TOUGH! – too bad…

  • Sara

    November 22, 2015

    Gail,

    I promise you with all my heart I don’t believe I have it in me to contact him. The only way I would be able to see him or even her is if I bumped heads with them out in public. Intentionally, no I don’t wish to carry on conversation with them. I just don’t understand why she has the nerve to suck me into her pit. Is she that low to continue to threaten me with Alienation of Affection. Ill be if she wants to leave then she should leave and let herself live peacefully. I feel with all my heart and soul if she is really Muslim she would ask Allah for guidance and I highly doubt that Allah has sent her any kind of sign to send me a video chat request on his cell phone. I know I am fighting against the devil in this situation. I am trying so hard to win my battle. The thing is will she ever give up? I know it’s all still fresh in her mind, but darn when my husband was caught cheating by me I didn’t constantly stalk the other woman by riding by her house, calling, pretending to be him and sending him text requests to talk. I had a small child to tend to and that was more important than trailing behind her. At some point through it all I gave up and decided it was time to end things because I wasn’t making him happy by nagging him about the situation so we decided it was best to depart our ways so both of us could find our own peace of mind.

  • Gail

    November 22, 2015

    Ana,

    I am screaming inside my head today! my middle son goes to put pies in the freezer for thanksgiving and low and behold he comes back and tells my husband he forgot to plug in the freezers that he turned off.Well obviously I am angry and really upset because my husband does this ever so often and we loose icecream and I find it stupid to say the least.Never mind that though here is the thing I tell him i am walking up the hill to check on the icecream myself to see what damage has been done and he gives me this A$$hole look.Well I walk up there and i am standing there silent but pissed and he says my turkey is fine and still frozen and the he opens the icecream and i said r they messed up he says no then i say let me see then he just ignores me.I said LET ME SEE then he holds one up that is messed up and says some r messed up and I said NO let me see the box u just opened and told me they r fine.He hands me and obviously they are melted.I just threw it back in the freezer and said u lied like u always lie.
    Here is the thing I hate a liar it is the worse thing I hate.I can deal anything but a liar.It gets worse he gets out and he starts back to the house and I said WAIT open the garage and check the plugs obviously thats the problem well he was very hesitant to do that but he did knowing if he didn’t check it I was going to.Well he opens the garage and low and behold I see the renters motorcycles in my garage well obviously I fly of the handle but trying to keep calm he said they asked me nicely to keep their bikes in the garage.I then reply I don’t give a flying F@ck(start cursing like a sailor here) I told u last summer not to do this as this is our personal business space and here u r going behind my back and doing it anyway.Well needless to say I am sick and tired of his lying and covering up Ana I just find this to be more than insane and I really want to beat the Hell out of him at this point.I told him straight he is a push over and don’t know how to say no and needs to grow a backbone.Bottom line he don’t respect me and tries to hide stuff from me it is his nasty nature and I told him straight I hate this thing in him.Thanks G.D I saw this very clear today and I mean very very very clear today I almost gave in to let his parents come back but after this crap Hell no he can piss off is how I see it.I want to be with someone that respects me.
    Side note I don’t like people up in my personal space.I am sick of him always ignoring what I say.I swear my husband is just not the man for me I see it sooo clear it is like we r so different in every way.He is a walking talking nightmare for me.I know people have good and bad qualities but COME ON he does whatever the heck he wants on his side and then stalks my FB to see if I have contacted or talked to my first love which i have not.I am starting to think my husband is a Lunatic that has no intentions of ever changing.

  • Gail

    November 22, 2015

    Sara,

    Unless u have interest to hook back with those people I would advice u to close that chapter of your life once and for all.If u did get back with them u better watch your throat because more than likely u will get it slit
    Move on with your life and ditch those people.His wife has gone off the deep end and needs to get a reality check but u r not the one to help her do that so just move on.

  • anabellah

    November 22, 2015

    Sara,

    You know what time it is (what the deal is). You’re on the right track. ditch those people once and for all. Stay strong!

  • Sara

    November 22, 2015

    Ana,

    Black Friday is really horrible fighting in all of the crowds. I usually have to work so that’s my excuse for not beating the crowds.

    It’s just so funny how she is willing to try anything to get me to talk. I made myself perfectly clear when she first told me from the beginning that I wasn’t going to do anything as in try to contact him that would put my child or myself in danger. If she really wants to talk to me then she needs to be woman enough to talk. And, if it was him he needs to be man enough not to hide behind a cell phone app. I kind of knew that I would be walking on thin ice had I fell for her trick because she majored on IT and she can get access to anything he does on his cell phone. I’m not going to give her the benefit of the doubt by responding back because then she could try to reverse it to others and say I started the conversation. Anyway, seems she will never live her happy marriage if shes always trying to stalk me to see if I’m around him. In order to move on with life you have to drop people. Of course you will remember what they did, but in time God willing we can teach our minds to forget about the person.

  • anabellah

    November 22, 2015

    Sara, hi there, 🙂

    Wishing you a happy holiday, as well. Be safe if you venture out there among the crowds on “Black Friday”. I’ve never been out on a “Black Friday” in my entire life, and have no intention to LOL

    About him and her, you probably already knew what I was going to say. I’d ignore the two of them and wouldn’t care which of them was trying to contact you or set you up. Don’t be bothered with it. Move on with your life without them. They both are bad news, anyway you look at it, to say the least. Both of them are toxic.

  • Sara

    November 22, 2015

    Hi Ana, Gail, and All,

    Hoping everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving as well as happy Black Friday if any of you are going shopping. So today I got a text Message on my cell phone. It was from his cell phone number and it says install this app so we can talk. Well, at first I thought well it may just be him. The next minute I said to myself, No this isn’t him and I am not going to fall into this trap this is his wife. So, I have a magic jack app cell phone number that I use so I said well I’m going to install it so I can see if either him or her are using the app since they don’t know my number. I did install it and I did use the number that was unknown to them. I added both their cell phone numbers to my magic jack contacts and low and behold they are both using the app that someone invited me to use.
    So what is the best thing to do now? Just let her keep trying to set me up and continue to ignore her. It seems the more I ignore her, she somehow tries hard to disguise herself as him now to set me up.

  • Gail

    November 21, 2015

    Mohd bilal,

    Girl it comes across to me and I am a nonmuslim mind u that u r very bitter towards your dad as is your mother(thats normal at first)but u can’t live in that state forever or it is going to ruin your mental and physical health.Either u and your mom need to make a choice to accept your dads second family by heart or just simply disown him and move on if u feel u can’t forgive him and accept his new family.Does it suck HECK YAAAA!! It always sucks rotten crap when people disrespect u and hurt u but at some point u have t build a bridge and get over it or walk away from that person.
    I think in your situation u need to sit down with your mom and find out what she wants and if she don’t want a divorce then u both need to say ok and accept it.Look u have siblings now through this other woman.I can assure u it is not the end of the world and in fact u don’t know what tomorrow has in store for for u.Your dad made the choice to marry the other woman ok fine but now u and your mom have the choice to accept it by heart or not.I will be blunt here and say if u and your mom don’t try(because there are other children from second wife involved here u two are being biter and spiteful) u r going to go on and marry someday and u might find yourself in the same situation if u marry a muslim man.U need to see reality and life for what it is.If those children are your siblings from your dad I suggest u start getting to know them and embrace your family and u and your mom stop being so pig headed.You are loosing your dad because u are struggling with Polygamy please don’t do that.If he has been a good dad to u then u both talk to him and tell him u want to accept this.It is not like he is cheating on your mom at all.She should be happy he is not out whoring around with unmarried women(would she prefer that?Alot of women would prefer that than having to share a husband but that is gross and not religious at all.) Just try to get your head on straight and let the anger go and just start over with your dad.U should meet his second wife and your siblings this is bad u have siblings and u r not excited to embrace them this is not a G.dly principle.

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2015

    Mohd bilal

    Most people want things the way they want them to be and they don’t listen to reason. If the average man was to wait for his wife and children to be okay with polygamy before he married another, he’d never get married again. The average Muslim does not accept what Allah has permitted (polygamy). The average Muslim doesn’t know his or her religion. Most probably have NEVER read the Holy Quran to begin to get understanding and guidance.

    The way you are carrying on, do you really think your dad would ever marry again WAITING for you to get understanding and come to your senses about it?

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2015

    Mohd bilal,

    Only a woman (a Believer) who knows and believes what Allah says in the Holy Quran will accept polygamy. Any other woman (not a Believer) will find ANY excuse to say a man shouldn’t be polygamous. The women who aren’t believers (who are only Muslims or non-Muslims) don’t know the meaning of the ayah from the Holy Quran that you cited or they will use stories that are not in the Holy Quran to try to support their view.

    You said you you understand polygamy should be accepted and you accept. You don’t accept.

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2015

    Mohd bilal

    We know what we are saying. You apparently don’t. If you and your mother are hurting it is because you and your mother don’t get it. The two of you have absolutely no understanding. Neither of you have accepted that Allah controls the Heavens, the earth and all between. He is the ruler and disposer of all affairs. He says men may be polygamous. You and your mother are suffering and upset because your mother don’t know anything about your religion – Islam. You won’t accept that your dad hasn’t done anything wrong by marrying another. He was within his right to do so. It is you and your mother who are wrong.

    Polygamy doesn’t hurt anyone. Allah didn’t permit something that would hurt someone. Anyone who is hurting who is in polygamy hurts because they disobey Allah and they only care about their own wants, whims and desires.

    You and your mother don’t like that your dad married another and it is why the two of you are suffering. If your dad has done anything wrong, he will account to Allah for it. It is not for you or your mother to bring him to justice, which you can’t do anyhow. If you and your mother don’t like what your dad had done then don’t be bothered with him then. Tell your mother to have him divorce her and she should go on her merry way.

  • Mohd bilal

    November 21, 2015

    Hii
    It may be very very easy for ppl to comment Allah has permit .But the basis of and conditions of permission should also be aware in polygamy.
    Many men just playing with women leaving them and saying religion permission excuse is not fair not justified.
    Many children girls boys suffer because of careless father’s who like giving birth but not teaching them proper knowledge and religion. And throughout life such children suffer.
    Instead of just pointing fingers towards women is not answer men should be thaught seriousNess of entire matter.

  • Mohd bilal

    November 21, 2015

    Hiii
    I actually think before suggestting and blaming other wrong u ppl should know what r u saying.
    I understand polygamy should be accepted ok will accept. But u can’t blame us wrong.are their no conditions in polygamy??
    Our prophet had did polygamy but not hurting any of children and wife .
    Blaming women’s to accept polygamy may be a part. But allah also said marry women’s of ur choice 1or 2or 4 but if u fear u will not be able to justify avoid it and be satisfied with 1.
    If men follow Allah and prophet should not be incomplete it should be truely completed .
    Men marrying numerous wife leaving them and saying Allah has permit me to marry is 100% wrong.

  • ummof4

    November 19, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Mohd Bilal, you are not listening to what anyone is advising you. You have allowed Shaytan to whisper in your ear and now he is having his way with you. You are his friend. No matter what pain we feel or what wrong we believe others have done to us, there is no reason to question what Allah has made happen. It is no reason to say that we will do acts that are haraam.

    You and your mother don’t like polygyny. Your father (according to you) married another wife in secret. These are the facts. Next step, what are you going to do besides complain, complain, complain.

    If your father married and had a secret wife that was not wise for him to do. Once your mother found out, she and your father had things to work out. In my opinion, you need to stay out of it; you are their daughter. and are obviously biased towards your mother.

    Your father and his other wife probably remarried after they divorced. So now, your father still has two wives. If your mother wants to divorce him, she should do so. Neither you nor your mother can make your father love you and care for you more than he does.

    You said that your father spent most of his time in Saudi Arabia and a little bit of time at home in India. Why do people think that a man can spend the majority of his time away from his wife and not desire another wife? It’s only natural for a man to want a wife with him on a daily basis.

    My husband has always told me when he was going to marry another wife. He did not and will never need my permission to marry. So, it’s a bit difficult for me to imagine my husband having a secret marriage. For the men who do have secret marriages, that’s not correct. However, it does not take him or his Muslim wife out of Islam, as you have stated.

    Mohd, please fear Allah and ask Him to make you understand that He is in control. Please ask Allah to clear your heart and soul of the bad feelings that you have towards your father and his second wife. And ask your mother to do the same.

    THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH POLYGYNY. PEOPLE ARE NOT PERFECT, SO WE SHOULD NOT EXPECT THEM TO BE. WE WILL BE DISAPPOINTED EVERY TIME WE PUT ALL OUR FAITH AND TRUST IN HUMANS. ONLY ALLAH IS PERFECT AND ONLY HE DESERVES OUR COMPLETE FAITH AND TRUST.

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2015

    Apparently, you haven’t heard a word I’ve said to you about Allah. You are simply dealing with your wants, lusts and desires. Who do you think Allah refers to when He speaks in the Holy Quran about of the “Deaf, Dumb and Blind”? He says, as well, that those who follow desires and the lusts of their hearts have a “diseased heart”. But, what do you care I say it based on what you’ve written.

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2015

    Mohd bilal,

    If they said they are divorced and there were witnesses to it, then what are you still talking about it for? It’s over and done with. They aren’t married. Now, on the other hand, just because they divorced, doesn’t mean they didn’t remarry. So you and your mom really don’t know his and her marital status.

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2015

    Mohd bilal,

    There is no guarantee that the man whom you marry in the future won’t have another wife already or won’t marry one later. No one knows what Allah has written for him or her for the future.

    If you feel and think that if you marry and your husband marries another, you’d leave him, then, so be it. Do what you think you need to do. There are some women who stay married to the men and gape their legs open to other men in retaliation. You could do that as well, if it is your fate. Who do you think you’d be REALLY hurting?

    Allah didn’t give permission for a woman to have more than one husband. Allah doesn’t permit fornication nor adultery either. So, if you don’t care about what Allah says, and want to live as an unbeliever, do what you’ve got to do. Go have yourself a merry ole time. Have yourself a ball (probably two). Live it up. There are many people living that way today. This world is their Paradise. They have the Hell Fire awaiting them. If it’s what you want, more power to you. Have yourself a swell ole time.

  • Mohd bilal

    November 19, 2015

    Hii
    Divorced was done infront of us where 3 witness from both the sides where available and divorced was completed with their will.

  • Mohd bilal

    November 19, 2015

    Hii
    Do u expect girls to be quiet with all the Matter that their husbands are maintaining numerous wife’s. Then I think in this even girls should abandon their children and live their new life.
    Bcoz if men has right to have wife. Even girls deserve the chance to strt their life
    Y should they get stuck with the children of their husband.
    If this is the case my mom may not do this and die alone but I’ll not probably seeing my mom this condition first of all I would not like to marry if I get married and found the same I would probably leave a fraud husband and his children and live my own life. If my husband is having pleasures then I also wants the same pleasure.

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2015

    Mohd bilal,

    You said your dad and his other woman are living together while divorced. You don’t know that it is a fact. Just because they’ve told you that they are divorced, doesn’t mean they are. They very well could be married and are only telling you and your mom that they are not, so you and your mom would stop popping off at the mouth and stop bothering them.

    You need to start dealing with what is real – that your dad is married to another woman – and try to move your lives forward with it. It’s what everyone on this blog is trying to do. We can’t wallow in self-pity and bellyache all the time about how bad our situation is and how unfair life is and blah, blah, blah. It doesn’t resolve anything. It’s a waste of time and energy. Furthermore and most importantly, it ruins our souls. It will take us to the Hell Fire.

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2015

    Mohd bilal,

    Do you hear what you have said??? The woman who married your husband did so in secret because your dad required it of her. He required it of her due to the way he knew you and your mother have react and behaved. He anticipated that you and your mother would react exactly how you have. It is what he was trying to avoid.

    You blame his other wife when you need to blame yourself and your mother. Just because she married in secret does not take away from her being a Muslim, unless she says she is not one. She went along with what your dad proposed to her. I’m sure she wanted to be able to let everyone know she is married to your dad.

    Your father is at fault for fearing you and your mother, and not fearing Allah. Stop pointing the finger at your dad and his other wife and point the finger back at yourself. Start looking at you. You are at fault just as much as your mom, your dad and his other wife.

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2015

    Mohd bilal,

    You asked me what I would do if my mom was in your mother’s shoes (her situation). If my mom was Muslim, I would tell her the same things that I am telling you and that I have told everyone on this blog. It’s not about us. Nothing is about us. It is all about Allah. He created us to worship Him. He is what we should focus on. When it comes to what is happening in our lives, we should ask ourselves what does Allah say in the Holy Quran that relates to our situation. We have to live the way Allah tells us.

    Now, if my mom doesn’t care anything about Allah, what I say would go in one of her ears and out the other. She wouldn’t hear me. She wouldn’t listen to anything that I’ve got to say. She’d only want to hear me say bad things about my dad and what he has done with regard to marrying another women. She would want me to engage her in a pity party about it. I would have to watch my mom agonize and suffer because she disobeys Allah and has turned her back on Him.

    To be continued…

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2015

    Mohd bilal,

    I get it that your mom has worked since she was 14 years of age, has been married to your dad for 25 years and took care of your dad’s parents. It does not mean that your dad should give up his right to have another wife. He did not need to ask your mom’s permission to marry another woman. Allah no where in the Quran tells us that a man needs any one’s permission other than HIS (Allah’s) to marry another.

    It would have been nice and the right thing to do had your dad discussed it with your mom before he married the other. Although he should have discussed it with her, doesn’t mean she needed to okay it. He probably didn’t discuss it with her beforehand because he knew he’d get the reaction that he has gotten from you and your mom. He was trying to avoid having to deal with you and her about it in a negative way.

    Your dad keeps lying to you and your mom, so that you both would ease up off him, and leave him alone about the matter. Many men lie and tell one wife that he doesn’t have sex with the other. They simply tell women what the women want to hear so the women will shut up and leave them (the men) alone.

    To be continued…

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2015

    Hi Mohd bilal,

    Based on what you have said in your posts I know you and your mom do not believe in polygamy. You do not accept that Allah allows polygamy for men. You both have let your father know how you feel. You both have told him to divorce his other wife. He is battling with you and your mom for his right to have another wife. Your father is not answerable to you or your mother. He’s answerable to Allah. It seems you are dismissing all that your father and I have said about Allah. You don’t care. All you care about is what you and your mom want.

    To be continued…

  • Mohd bilal

    November 19, 2015

    By the way any lady who wants to be a secret wife after knowing that a man has 3daughters and son.cannot be a Muslim if she wants to marry and strt a new life should be infront of world.
    Infact that lady told us she has no problem divorcing in A minute I’ll divorce ur father we have no relation was her letters .on mobile when I spoke her.
    We are Muslim we can’t broke any one house .But after divorcing both are living together is it right?do u think still we forced them.we asked both before this decision.

  • Mohd bilal

    November 19, 2015

    Hii,
    I can’t believe how can u tell that we are forcing are father. My mother got married in 14 years of age.it’s 25 years of marriage and my mom 20 year’s took care of his parents .
    And without wife’s permission getting married is right?. By the way he still dont agree he has children and said us he is in no relation to that wife.naturally any wife with this reason would ask to divorce if they have no relation.
    What would u do if ur mother was on this place tell me frankly u would accept ur father Blindly.And say ur mother to accept

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2015

    Mohd bilal,

    You asked how can it be normal to have another wife. I think you said you are Muslim. If you are you either believe in Allah SWT and what He says or don’t. As I said it will determine what your life and death will be like. The question you asked leads one to believe you question Allah and His Judgement. It’s a serious problem that you need to address before it’s too late.

  • anabellah

    November 18, 2015

    Mohd bilal,

    Your dad didn’t need a reason to marry the other woman. He only gives you a reason why because you and your mom keep badgering him. You both need to just back up off him. Try to figure out how you can live in a polygamous marriage or you and your mom will be in agony and extremely unhappy. Learn to live polygamy or your mom needs to seek a divorce from your dad. Your dad is right that Allah has ordained for all that has happened to happen.

  • anabellah

    November 18, 2015

    Mohd bilal,

    Your father sneaks, hides and lies to you and your mother because the two of you keep giving him a difficult time. What right do you and your mom have to tell him to divorce his wife? You wouldn’t like it if she told him to divorce your mother, so why do it to her.

    You and your mom are really hurting yourselves. Your dad has done what Allah has allowed for him and written for him. You need to find a way to accept it and try to get your mom to accept it, as well?

    I thought you said your mom was taking care of his parents. How is it, if they are dead?

  • Mohd bilal

    November 18, 2015

    Hii,
    No we are indians my father’s parents died 5 years ago now we are nuclear family.Infact my father is elder of all brothers yes he has 2 elder sis but he was very supportive to all of them until he met his 2 wife.he has strt avoiding his sibling also now u know he changed so completely. And how can it be normal to have second wife.
    U know what problem is my father loved us a lot. And we can’t bear his lies and fake behaviour.
    When my mom caught my father red handed. He said I’ll do what u ppl want. We don’t know he has children we said divorce ur wife on mobile only. he agreed and did and said us that I married for that women safety .Which is baseless in Saudi all women are safe and how can that women will be saved having spouse name on passport. He lied us so much he said he never met her I rarely talk to her .
    After some months when we saw pic of that lady we were shocked once my father 6years before took us to his friends house and we realised that she was wife of my father’s freind.
    After divorce of my father which he did saying iam least concerned with that women my mother again caught my father talking on mobile wid that lady.
    He can leave us if he love her 2wife .
    We can’t bear his fake behaviour and we said him clearly no problem u be happy in ur life say us clearly .
    He is not saying a word and it’s Allah will all matter is coming infront of us.

  • Gail

    November 17, 2015

    Mohd Bilal,

    I am curious are u from Pakistan(u don’t have to answer) I just got the feeling from your post u r from Pakistan.
    It was fine that your dad took a second wife as it was his right to do so BUT he should never have kept her a secret wife this wrong.Is your mom depressed because he has another wife and children or is she upset because he is not supporting her and u kids? How do u know his other wife is doing Black Magic?U have never met her I assume so all this is he said she said type stuff I assume.It sounds like something Pakistani people would say to dismiss a person/your dads negative behavior towards u guys.Bottom line don’t fall into all that nonsense of Black magic.Your dad made choices he is a grown man and if he is ignoring u guys that is by his own choice.I will tell u the truth.I imagine he is staying away from u guys because of your mom to be frank.SHe is seriously upset and depressed and he don’t want to deal with her and her going Ape shit on him about this so he just is laying low.Obviously his second wife is not all bad because he did marry her and have 2 children(get the picture)? Also u need to stay neutral on this issue because u have 2 siblings from Mrs Black Magic.Seriously though u guys just chill out and calm down and tell your mom this is not a huge deal and call your dad and tell him straight stop acting like a $h!t Head and start supporting the family.U r 23 not a child so u might have to do some tuff love with both parents.Don’t sugar coat it with your mom is my advice just tell her she needs to accept this or divorce those r her two options.I suggest she accept it and keep on enjoying her life.If u r from Pakistan u can keep this on the down low and just not tell anyone so your mom can keep her sanity.I know if people come to know they will badger your mom to death with Why,How,etc…. Hopefully u guys have been silent and not told.It’s not the end of the world.Your Stepmother has never bothered u guys to make your dad divorce your mom since all this has just come to light and she has two kids.Everything will be fine in time!

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2015

    Mohd bilal,

    Your post inspired me to write a thread/post for all to read. The link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/involuntary-caregivers/

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2015

    I went back and made a correction in my post where I had erroneously put your husband when it should have been your father.

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2015

    Mohd bilal,

    I understand your concern about getting married, if society finds out that your dad is polygamous; ALTHOUGH, I don’t agree with it. It’s a cultural problem. A society of people have come together to live life the way they want to live, and have passed it down from generation to generation. They don’t live the way Allah in the Holy Quran tells us to live. You have people saying they won’t live the way Allah says to live (by their actions), but will live the way their forefathers lived. Hence, you have the problem. There is no reason Islamically that you or your family should be frowned upon due to your father having done what Allah allows.

    The Muslims world is a huge embarrassing mess because the average Muslim does not listen to Allah. They do things the way they want to do them and it’s why Muslims are humiliated and hated in the world today. I don’t know how you will deal with society with regard to your marriage. You’ll have to figure that one out.

    It’s good the “mufti” advised your mom to read Surah Baqarah. I had read someplace that Surah Baqarah sums up all that is in the Holy Quran. She needs to make sure that she seeks refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed before she reads it and ask Allah to guide her. She needs to read it to learn the lessons from the stories in it and apply them to her life. If she reads it hoping that Allah will fix the situation with her husband, I doubt she’ll get the results that she wants. The Quran isn’t to be used, picked up and read when the person has a problem. We should live Islam every day, all day, for the rest of our lives on this planet.

    I understand that your mother is ill and going through an awful lot. Most women do when they unexpectedly find themselves in a polygamous marriage. Being in a polygamous marriage requires a lot of soul searching. A woman could wallow in sorrow and say how she thinks things should be and complain about how things are or get busy living Islam, worshiping and serving Allah for which He created us.

    Again, I’d suggest you and your mom ask his parents, who loves her so much, to help get through to their son that he needs to come home as often as he did before. I don’t know anything about his other wife to say she is leading him astray or is a bad person. I don’t think you know enough about her either to make that assessment.

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2015

    Mohd bilal,

    You asked how your father could leave your mother to be like a maid, to take care of his parents and children, and get married to have a pleasure full life. Based on what you have said, the only thing that has changed is your father has a wife with him in Saudi Arabia instead of him being alone. It is okay for him to do. Your mother was taking care of his parents and you children before he married another and is still doing so. There is no change in that department. About him having pleasure with his other wife, it’s what husbands and wives do.

    Over the years being on this blog, I have come to learn that it’s the norm in some countries for the husband to go abroad to work and leave the wife and children behind. He comes to visit them every so often and sends them money. It happens especially in Pakistani families.The husband goes off to work in another country, leaving the wife behind to care for their children and HIS parents. It only becomes a problem for the wife and the children when he marries another woman.

    Now, if your dad doesn’t come home as often as he used to and he sends you all less money, you may have reason to be concerned. You said his family loves your mother. Well, then, if they love her, they should step in and intercede on her behalf. They should contact their son and say, for instance, – LOOK, you need to get here to see your wife and children as you had been doing before you married the other woman and you need to send the money that you were sending before you married the other. I’d think he would listen to his parents, especially if he is Pakistani. You haven’t said whether you and your family are or not.

    To be continued…

  • Mohd bilal

    November 16, 2015

    Hii,
    I want to say that my mother reads 5times namaz alhamdulilah I have never seen her leaving any namaz. Once my parents where my role model who loved us a lot.
    how can my father leave my mother like a maid to take care his parents and children and get married and have a pleasure full life .I think u can understand life without husband taking care of family is how difficult.
    Now after everything he hardly respect my mom.whereas his own family loves my mother .
    On other hand my mother worries if society will know the truth of my father how will her daughter get good
    in laws. And father is least bothered about my marriage iam 23 years.do u think he is right.
    And my mom was unwell and we consulted mufti who advised us to read surah baqara daily. As my mom was victim of black magic. He also said us all story of my dad’s 2marriage and said his 2nd wife does black magic later we found same. Even my father reads ayath which is not in quraan he is doing shirklearning from 2nd wife. We definitely went to mufti but a real and good one who guided us quraan surah.
    My father is third husband to that lady and had made my dad very cheap.it’s fault of my father who forget everything seeing that women.
    Above all my mom at this age only needs husband and we need our Father we don’t need any money

  • anabellah

    November 15, 2015

    Hi Mohd bilal,

    I’m very glad you are still here with us, and didn’t just write and leave. Thank you for sharing about your life, so we could understand you better. I understand where you are coming from in how you feel right now. No one wants to see her mother in such a sad condition and suffering. I know you are going through a lot, as well, feeling that your father has abandoned you.

    It’s very important that you stay as optimistic and positive as you can for your own well being, and to help your mom. If you read this blog and talk with us, you should begin to see things clearly and feel better. You would know what to tell your mom, as well.

    When it comes to black magic the only thing I know is that Allah will protect the person who seeks His protection from it. He speaks about the secret arts in the Quran, and says to seek refuge in Him from it. It’s what your dad will need to do, if he suspects that he is a victim of it. He may not know if he is or not.

    Some people think that they can pray for others and it’s all it takes to have a good outcome for the other. It doesn’t work that way. The person must be praying for him or herself as well. The person must be doing what is right and good deeds to effect a change. Allah tells us to pray for the believers. We know the believers pray, and try to do what Allah tells us to do. How do you know for a fact that she is involved in black magic?

    Try to get your mom to offer her five daily prayers, if she hasn’t been doing them. Insha Allah, you could do them with her. Read the Quran to her. Let her know that Allah knows what is best for us. Try to show her it is best that she turn to Allah completely for His help and guidance. If she sees you doing it, she may eventually join you. If she doesn’t, problems are should to prevail.

    Your dad is correct that he has done what Allah has permitted him to do. I think you can probably understand why your dad would have a need and a desire for a wife who lives close to him and can be with him regularly. There is nothing wrong with him having done that. Now, on the other hand, if he is neglecting you and your mom, it’s another story. Perhaps you could explain to him that you will try to accept that he has married again and has a family, but you need him to remember that you and your mom are his family as well and you both need him too.

    I will tell you, if you think you have nothing because your dad isn’t providing as he did before or that he has left you, you will continue to have problems. You need to know that EVERYTHING that you had been receiving from your dad actually Allah gave to you. It only came through your dad. Your dad was a means to deliver it to you. If you believe that Allah provides, as He says He does, and you believe and do righteous deeds, you will have a good life. If you think it’s all over for you and your mom and you have no faith, it will be over. You need to make your intentions on what direction you want to go.

  • Mohd bilal

    November 15, 2015

    Hii,
    I think ur truely right that Allah can never be wrong.
    Wanna tell about me,iam 23years unmarried girl this is my brother id.
    Iam personally facing problems my father stays in Saudi from last 22years and loved us a lot and visit us even called us every year saudi.We got to know he secretly has second wife with 2 children married to nurse who is involved in black magic and now my father also got influenced with 2nd wife doing shirk.between all this my mother is in depression whole days. Whereas my father with an excuse that I have did what Allah has permit me.truely saying my mother all this year’s took care of my father’s family such that they all respect my mom but my father is now avoiding us.Now we are left with nothing just my mother’s pain and depression

  • anabellah

    November 15, 2015

    Fatimah,

    I would say if she has a lowly cowards for a husband and feels stuck with him and she doesn’t want a divorce or feels she can’t divorce for whatever reason, she should take her complaint about her husband to Allah. She should be patient, persevere and pray until Allah decides for her, her fate. He’ll give her a way out or will change her condition to what is best for her. She should be patient and turn all her attention to Allah. Allah has a plan and He is the best of planners. He is the Master Planner.

    🙂

  • fatima

    November 15, 2015

    Ana what do you do if yu have a lowly coward as a husband and ur stuck with him

  • anabellah

    November 14, 2015

    Many of the people who call themselves “Muslim” today are a HUGE embarrassment. They don’t know anything about Islam. They hinder people from the Path of Allah. They mislead people.

    The Muslims who are trying to establish what they call “An Islamic State” are straight up IGNORANT. They think they could do what the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and the first generation of Muslims did. THEY CAN’T. They aren’t supposed to. It was for the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and the people of that time to do. It was for them and only for them.It is not for this day and age.

    Allah tells us that we are to leave people alone and let them live however they want to live. He says to them their way and to us ours. He says there is no compulsion in Islam. No one is to be force to live Islam or to live any type of way. All will be brought back to Allah for His decision on how they lived. It’s not our business. Men and women need to mind their own business and leave other people alone. Believers are to help believers. If a Muslim want to help someone, help those who ask for the help.

    Allah says don’t kill yourself. Those ignorant so called Muslims are blowing themselves up and killing innocent people. Allah tells us not to be the aggressors. He says don’t fight anyone unless they fight us for our faith. He says defend ourselves ONLY when we have been unjustly attached. He says don’t take a life except for just cause – and pay the blood money etc.

    There are many so called Muslim out there who think they are doing good, but are doing the opposite. They are doing so much evil. It’s horrific. Allah says they commit mischief, but say they do good. They say others are the mischief makers when they themselves are the mischief makers.

    Muslims the world over have done so much wrong and they humiliate the Muslim who want to do right and live right. They are a disgrace. They don’t know their religion and give Islam a bad name.

  • anabellah

    November 14, 2015

    Mohd bilal,

    I assume you refer to yourself as Muslim based on your name; although your post causes me to question it. What do you base your thoughts on? Is it on just how you feel about the matter or some worldly material you have read or your upbringing?

    Islam does NOT permit men to have secret wives. Allah permits men to have four wives all at the same time. There is no reason for a man to have secret wives. Marriage is to be publicized. Women are to be known to the world as the man’s wives. Islam is about honor and respect. A Muslim/Believer’s life shouldn’t resemble that of an unbeliever – a man who has a wife and a mistress(s).

    The Muslim men who have secret wives do so because they are lowly cowards. Many worship and obey their first wives who tell them that they can’t have more wives than them. Some simply want to have the 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives on the side only for sex. They don’t assume the responsibility of the women, but are selfish, greedy men.

    You said you personally feel Islam is bias towards men. Well, I guess you don’t fear, love, obey, and worship Allah, as He commands us to. How could you go against Allah, the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth and All Between with what you feel? Do you really think you know better than Allah. As I asked before, what are you basing you writings here on? Do you think Allah didn’t know what He was doing when He said men may have up to four wives at a time?

    Allah gave us a guide – the Holy Quran – if men or women don’t live according to it they will be accountable to Allah for what they do. Just because women and men don’t do what Allah says doesn’t mean something is wrong with what Allah permits. There are men and women who will do evil and go against Allah. The problem is with the people. The problem is not with polygamy.

    When the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was given the revelation (the Holy Quran) life was improved for women. Men used to use and abuse women before then. The men saw women as chattel. They were no more than chattel. Islam gave women honor and respect.

    When the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) left this earth, the so called “Muslims” went back to living the way they did before the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was given the Quran. They invented their own books that Allah gave them no permission to do. They divided their religion into sects (the people who identify with Sunni, Shia, Kurds, Shalalfis, ISL/IS or whatever they call themselves.) Allah says, DON’T DO IT. The Muslims have done it anyway. Anyone who identifies with any of those groups defy Allah.

    Muslims have made their loved ones their lords -committing shirk (setting up partners with Allah and making someone or something (man-made books) equal with Him. There is much more that I can’t very well go into in a post. It’s the reason you see THINK Islam does not award any superiority to women. Again, it’s the people who think they know better than Allah or don’t read the Quran to know anything about Allah. They are the problem.

  • Mohd bilal

    November 14, 2015

    Islam had permit men to secretly have second marriage .y does Islam permits this?I personally feel Islam is bias towards men by allowing men to play with feeling of own wife and children,by allowing more than one wife,Infact women are not awarded any superiority in islam.
    Moreover this law of having more than one wife is making men irresponsible and disrespectful towards own family .please reply me

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2015

    Sara,

    I don’t think her husband is toying with her. I think he is simply being himself. God willing, one day she will wake-up and realize that he is not worth her time and trouble, and will stop stalking him.

    It is easy to say that she’d be better off without him. It’s not that simply for a person to leave a marriage. When it’s time to leave, a person knows it and it’s easy to do. When there is no doubt then it is time. She has to reach that point on her own.

    I doubt you will pack up and move just to get away from her. Just wait it out or call the cops when she sit outside waiting, as Gail said. You know what works best for you

  • Sara

    November 9, 2015

    Gail and Ana,

    She is making herself so miserable running in behind him. He is more than likely playing with her emotions otherwise she wouldn’t have reason to be stalking his every move. everyone is right at least I dont have to live in her shoes and monitor him all the time. She probably knew he was cheating before i even confessed mine and his affair. i think if i were her i would rather live alone than to worry myself with the stress of knowing he could be screwing someone else. there still must be issues going on between them to give her motive to check his whereabouts.my thing is it seems like it will never end for me . i always live day to day knowknowing she may come back to my home. I think if I were to move location in the same town and she were to find out someway somehow that would make it worse on their marriage because she would think i moved to have better opportunity to sneak woth him.

  • Gail

    November 8, 2015

    Sara,

    His wife is more than likely going through a nervous breakdown that may last awhile is my gut feeling.She is not dealing well with his cheating which I think majority of wives don;t all this is still fresh to her and I feel she is going to destroy her life.She should leave him or divorce is my thinking and saver herself alot of grief.As for u just ignore her but if u catch her sitting outside your apt again just sitting there I would call the police but that is just me.

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2015

    Sara,

    Hey you It could get confusing around here. Another commentator arrived recently and she uses the user name “Sara”. I thought it was you LOL. Then I read her story and I’m like – nope, it’s not you. It’s a newbie. I was excited that you had come back, but it wasn’t you. I’m glad you are back. I had been thinking of you and how you are doing. I don’t know how we’re going to differentiate between you and the newbie Sara. I guess we’ll figure it out. Since you were here first, I may ask newbie if she could alter her user name. We’ll see. I’m well. Thank you for asking 🙂

    Sara, getting back to your situation, about her (his wife), I can only thank God that I am not her. If I were you, I’d thank him too that you are not her. It has to be a miserable, terrible, agonizing existence for her to drive around, following people and spying on them to find out what her husband is doing. What kind of a life is that? Sara, as long as you’re not being bothered with him, I think she is harmless. Try not to think about it and just ignore it. I know it’s not easy to deal with it. I know you simply want to be left alone. If she feel she’s got to do it, let her. Try to maintain your composure. She’s only driving herself crazy. In time, God willing, she’ll see that you want nothing to do with her husband; you have moved on and she will too. The best thing in the world you could have done seems to me is that you got rid of that man. You did yourself a favor by telling her about you and him.

  • Sara

    November 8, 2015

    Ana,

    Hello how are you doing? I am just sending out a post to update on everything. My accident got settled and I had no problems with them allowing their insurance to cover it. it has been crazy past two weeks for me. first it started out i had dreams o the guy i was seeing and his parents were in them as well. out of the blue people at my job kept delivering me messages from him as well about a car he and i bought together and we were to have it fixed. then i heard earlier in the week he had leased his gas station to some new people. Out of the blue I sw him out and public without the wife. He and i talked and he understood why i did what i did and had no hard feelings. he then left saying i will see you around but in the same sentence says i am leaving in a few days. tha was the end. today as i am leaving my apt i get in my new car and i am driving to work. i wasnt far from home as i noticed a car that looked like his knowing it was either him or the wife. i immediately turn around to follow it and bam it was her riding past my apt seeing if he was there. Ana, this will never end as long as i stay in the same town they are in and they are in the same town i am in, will it? now i am begbeginning to wonder just how many times she has rode by while im not home or even when i am home.e

  • baseema

    October 5, 2015

    Sara, I think Ana is correct. She is just blowing smoke, no way she is going to pursue charges against you. Imagine if the news got a hold of that? lol She is just trying to scare you off. But I hope she is succeeding, because do you really want to be in her shoes someday, running all over looking for other women and other relationships going on behind your back? I too heard the same thing, “I didn’t want to hurt you, you were so happy, I couldn’t destroy your happiness, I had to wait for the right time.” Some Men are such liars, and worse, cowards. Run!

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2015

    Sara,

    It seems you aren’t very sure what you want to do. I’m not sure that you want to end contact with her. If you feel you sincerely do, then do what I suggested. Keep the text and email as evidence that you have asked her to leave you alone and not contact you any longer. You would have to show the courts proof that you gave her notice to leave you alone and not contact you. Any communications that she has with you afterwards, you can use against her. Keep copies of all of it. Know that if you contact her she will have evidence against you, as well.

    You can expect that she is going to like you one moment and hate you the next. It’s makes total sense.

    You could either ride it out or be done with her once and for all. I think you’re just as confused about it all, the same as she is. It’s a convoluted mess.

    I doubt she will pursue any charges against you for “Alienation of Affection.” I doubt she wants the humiliation. Even if she were to, based on the little I know of it, she wouldn’t have a good case. You and she went looking for him together, as she suspected he was with another woman. That in itself goes against any charge that she would have against you.

  • Sara

    October 4, 2015

    One more thing, emailing her my final, tthoughts won’t go against me will it? I jave to somehow show her i am standing up for myself as she requested for me to leave her property alone, and i respected her wish. I also know she has a tine frame to report me for seeing her husband if she were to divorce and charge me with breaking her home. I am trying really hard not to blow up in her facec but i put all my hateful actions towards her to rest and im trying to love the person amd hate the sin at the moment. Its also a little difficult whem one minute shes at my door crying her eyeballs out and the next calling me a bitchfor having an accident.

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2015

    @Sara,

    I truly don’t think she is going to leave her husband, regardless of what he does. She may just continue in life being suspicious of what he’s doing and chase after him. God knows best. We know it’s no longer your problem.

    I’d suggest you contact her one last time, via email, telephone and text to let her know that you will communicate with his dad about the vehicle and she is not to contact you at all, ever again. Tell her, if she or her husband need any information from you, they should go through his dad or have the insurance company contact you. Let her know that you want no more dealing with her at all. Tell her not to call, text, email or come to your house. Tell her if she contacts you, you will contact the police and take action against her. Keep a copy of all the notices that you give her (text, email). Stick to your guns about it. Make your intent not to contact her or him any further.

    It’s the best that I could suggest to you. I don’t blame you for wanting to put him and her in your past, and move your life forward. Continuing to mix up with them is only holding you back. No good can come from it.

    I suppose now that the vehicle is totaled, it doesn’t matter whether he promised it to you or not. It’s a non-issue. As you stated, you live it and learn it. In the future, God willing, put a contract such as it in writing.

  • Sara

    October 4, 2015

    Ana,

    A week before my accident, she made up her mind she would stay with him and that was what i felt like the end of her needing info out of me. I just want to move forward in life without always needing to bring that up.

    Concerning the car i was driving it belonged to his dad. When i ended everything they were supposed to mail me a title but never did. So they verbally stated to me and another person i owee nothing for the car that it was mine. So the car is actually between his dad and myself not between her, the husband, and myself.

    Maybe that helps a little.

    Being any kind of friend with her i know is out of the question. I have no more answers to any of her questions. If i had to put money on the table, hes probably still acting strange and making her suspicious of what he could be doing. Of course, its natural for her to believe that he is still involved with me. Me not driving the car that his dad owned makes it harder for her to follow up on me unless she has hired some investigator to track my moves. Considering, how tight they are with money i highly doubt she is doing that.

    I did report the incent to the insurance company, i do know for a fact they were supposed to contact his father as he was the owner. Thats why i say i am quite sure they have been given some kind of accessto a report.

    I just dont want to respond back to her because she and i had no agreement over that car. I paid for it, but because i was a fool in love i didn’t demand receipts. Oh well, we live and learn.

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2015

    @Sara,

    I don’t think you need to go to the extreme of changing your phone number and email address, unless you just want to.

    I see that there has never been a clean break between you and her. It seems, based on what you’ve written, that if she is nice to you, you are nice to her. If she gets nasty with you or things aren’t going as you’d like, you’re ready to have her arrested or get a Restraining Order against her. There is no consistency.

    Just the other week you were riding around in a vehicle with her trying to help her find her husband. Now you’ve had an accident with a car they own, and she’s an annoyance to you. You’re wishy, washy with her. She’s getting mixed messages from you that you are sending.

    Just because you know how to get the information on where the car is stored, doesn’t mean she should knows it. Not everyone knows the same thing, which I’m beginning to figure out – FINALLY.

    She’s communicating with you now because she needs information about a vehicle that belonged to them that you totaled. Do you really think it’s unreasonable for her to contact you about it or do you think her husband should? If her husband does, it will only make matters worse. Did she even know that the vehicle you were continuing to drive belonged to them? Once you and he ended the relationship, did it occur to you to give the vehicle back?

    I would imagine that until they get the car matter settled, you should expect to deal with her or him or both.

  • Sara

    October 4, 2015

    Ana,

    I know i should let her off easy as there was a relationship going on pretty much in her face. Even now since the car is severely damaged and i have mailed back the tags to the guys father she still emails me. I deleted the one she sent last night as she claimed her husband wants the car back and needed to know where the cars location is. I told myself that if she has enough common sense all her husband or his dad needs to do is get a copy of the incident report and it shows who towed the car. Obviously not responding tp her doesn’t make her understand i don’t want anything to do with her. The next option is deleting my email and changing my cell phone number. That wont stop her from deciding to come to my door.

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2015

    @Sara,

    If you have no intentions of signing any type of complaint against her, then don’t call the cops. Why waste their time in removing her? Just let her stand there and stay there until she gets tired and leave. Now, if she begins to break windows and bang a hole in your door, or begins screaming like a crazy woman, call the police. Unless she does such a thing, show her some mercy. After all, you had an affair with her husband for five years. Show some leniency towards her.

  • Sara

    October 1, 2015

    Indeed Ana i am blessed to have made it out with no sustained injuries. I have made the decision to cut her off 100%,she is not worth my heartache neither is he. It took me seeing that car and gow badly damaged it was to see how bad he hurt me. So far its been two whole days and I haven’t heard from her. I just pray that they will have humble hearts. Its only a matter of time that she will be showing back up. I have promised myself if she does come knocking on my door i will contact the law enforcement to have her escorted away from my area. The car was the last thing that she could use as a way to spy on me. Its all over, like you say. The thing is now i can share my testimony. I used to remember as a child and teen growing up, we were asked to share a testimony. Well, now i officially have one. God allowed me to be reborn again from the heinous sin i was committing. What i now know for sure there is a God and he is so powerful and yes he loves us all. I am so glad my wake up call come quickly rather than later. Gail is right there is something better awaiting for me i just need to be patient and it will indeed come.

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2015

    @Sara,

    Hi there. I didn’t realize so much time has lasped since you last wrote. I had read your comment, had to do something, and was going to get back to you. It was my intention. I just want you to know I didn’t intentionally blow you off.

    You are so blessed not to have been injured in the accident. I am so glad you are okay. A car can be replaced.

    About her and what she’s going through, there is nothing much you could do about it other than stay away from her. Don’t take her calls, nor texts or emails. Don’t open the door to her. It’s the only way to move on. You know now the type of man that he is. He is her problem. Don’t make her and him your problem, unless you want to keep taking the ride with them.

    You can’t control what they do. You could make your intention as to what you will do. If you continue to communicate with her or him or both, you should expect to be aggravated by them. He has no intention of becoming polygamous. She doesn’t want to be involved in a polygamous marriage. It leaves you nothing with him. He sounds to be a what is called “womanizer.” Why bother to have him constantly in your hair? Unload him and her. The car is gone, so there should be no need to communicate with them anymore.

    Some people enjoy drama. If you’re one, keep mixing up with them. If you’re not, cut your ties with them. It’s the best I could tell you. It’s my two cents for what it’s worth.

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2015

    @Hannan,

    Welcome. I’m glad you’ve found this site. I’m very sorry to hear about the state of your marriage, and what you are going through. I’ll give you my thoughts about it.

    You’re going to have to find a way to forgive your husband for what has happened, if you want to remain married to him and have it work. Otherwise, you should leave him. The only other option is to stay living the way you are today with him.

    You’ve already described your life with him to be like a living hell. You said death is better. So, why stay? Really, why stay? Many women with kids say they stay for the kids. I find the reason to be an EXCUSE. It’s not the real reason. Women with kids divorce everyday. The fathers still support the children and sees them. Even if he doesn’t, the women find a way to survive with the children and without the husband/father. Do you think your children don’t know the state of despair that you are in? Children aren’t stupid. Why do you think that you are doing your children a favor by keeping them in a hostile environment? So, you must ask yourself why you really remain with a man who makes you sick and paralyzed when near him.

    I know it’s not easy to start over. There are many reasons women stay in marriages such as yours. They fear being alone without a husband. They fear never having another husband. They dislike the stigma attached to being a divorcee. They fear starting over. They don’t want to appear to be a failure. They love their husbands etc. You’ve got to make your INTENT on how you will proceed. No one can do it for you.

    We could sit here and have a pity party about what a bad woman the ex-wife was and how hateful and evil she and her friends were to try to get him to divorce you. What good would it do? He didn’t divorce you. It didn’t happen. She was the one who was given a divorce.

    Your husband had a secret wife. Secret marriages are wrong. You shouldn’t listen to the reason that he gave you – that he wanted to escape from your family. Men will come up with any reason that sounds good as an excuse for what they do. He put the blame on you. He’s to blame for what he did, not you. He may not know himself why he got with the other woman. The fact is that he did. Forget the reason that he gave. It doesn’t matter. If you were so bad, why didn’t he just divorce you and go be with her exclusively? Why is he still there with you now, if you were so bad? Don’t let him make it about you. It’s about himself marrying another and keeping it a secret from you for eight years.

    Now, a reason he may NOT have told you that he was going to marry her, is because he expected you to react, and be in the condition that you are today. He knew you wouldn’t accept it. He probably expected that his mother would pressure him to divorce her, as well. What he probably thought all came into being.

    I wouldn’t look at it as a polygamy thing. The same thing could have happened in a monogamous marriage. Men sneak out and have a long term affair for years while in monogamous marriages, as well. Do the women who got “cheated” on say the institution of marriage is bad because of what happened? No. Many usually divorce, move on and marry someone else The same with polygamy. It’s not polygamy that is the problem.

    You said he regret having divorced her. I’m sure he does. He was married to her for 8 years. Does she have negative feelings towards you, his mother and him? I’m sure she does. She no longer is with the man whom she loves. She no longer has her family. Maybe she’s paying for trying to get you divorced. Allah knows best. Those who plot evil the evil will hem in the author thereof. Allah says it in the Holy Quran.

    Those are my thoughts on the matter. We’re here, if you want to talk some more. Perhaps others here will have something constructive to say to you.

  • Hannan

    October 1, 2015

    My husband had a secret wife for 8 years. It was originally easy for both of them. He confessed it was his escape from our family and she was in the middle of a child custody battle with her ex. Once she got custody of kids last year she made her plan on how to reveil their marriage. After much praying to Allah that all truths come out about this relationship I received a letter from one of her friends detailing hidden pictures of my husband she and her friends took to try and get me to divorce him. Also other plots and dealings were reviled of a four year plot she made to ensure the family knew about her and that I’d leave him. Unfortunately due to his mothers pressure he divorced this women. But still five months after this divorce she still harasses me and his mother and I am sure him. I am in deep depression over all this, what it means he took a secret marriage for 8 years, lying to me when I had my suspicions, what it means that he would divorce her but he has regret over it, what it means that she had spent years plotting against me and my marriage. I send him away to try and get my head together but he keeps coming back. Sometimes I fee only escape from this hell is death and I know it’s satan calling me, but the disgust I feel, the lust I feel, the depression and anxiety I feel is overwhelming. I am far away from my family and the only way to separate is for him to leave me and go to his family. I want to forgive him but the humiliation of it all for me and his ex wife is overbearing. I want to stay with him for our kids, but I get so low when he is near me I become sick and unable to move. I wish men would realize how bad this really is.

  • Sara

    September 28, 2015

    Ana and Gail,

    So I wanted to update everyone on my situation and tell everyone hello!! I haven’t been updating as I have been working and busy at home.

    So I will first start as reminding that I allowed his wife to contact me each day for about the first two weeks in September. Well, Ana and Gail and everyone else, I had to finally tell her “Look you can’t keep contacting me being so wishy washy, one minute you need to cry on my shoulder the next you need are upset and blaming me saying hes at my home when he’s not. About a couple weeks ago she sent me this text message that said, “Congrats, hes all yours hes coming to fuck you”. Next thing I know she is banging on my door, and telling me he got all dressed up and she was worried where he could be. She really though he was with me in which he wasn’t. So I told here where one of the other ladies that works in his store lives and told her maybe he could be there, so I rode out with her to this ladies home. That didn’t go too well as she said this is a waste of my time. So, she went to the store and asked him where he had been, and of course I’m inside the car feeling like a dummy. She comes out, and says he went to the DMV. Well, long story short…she texts me the next day which is Saturday night saying, he said he was with you at your home, that I had lied to her so he could have time to sneak out. I got so fed up I just said please don’t call/text/come to my place ever again or I will take a no contact order out on you. I really had no intention on doing so. So that was the end of hearing from her until this past Friday on the 25th of September.

    I picked up my son that evening around 3PM from school, we went to have dinner together and then I allowed him to go his grandmas house early as he hadn’t seen her in a couple weeks. It was raining that day all day here in NC. I left her house around 4:30, and I decided I wanted to go for a drive before I had to be at work at 11:00 PM that night. I get on the interstate, and the steering wheel on my car started back shaking. The speed limit was 70mph, so I just went the limit. Well, I lost control of the steering and hydroplaned the car in which I was driving belonged to this mans father, whom was supposed to title it over to me but never did so. So, everyone I made it out alive and ticking of this totaled car that is no longer drivable. I endured no broken bones, fractures, concussion, whiplash, and no bruises.

    Immediately, I call two of my family members, my aunt whom was the one who had to come get me, said have you told **A**, and I said no I don’t plan on telling him, so she said give me his number I’ll call and I’ll tell him what happened he needs to know. Well she called and told him I was in an accident and the car was totaled. He immediately must have contacted someone at his home, and the wife of course finds out. She sends me text messages saying you bitch, you lost the car you earned just like your boyfriend. The texts continue throughout today. I get a call from the guys store on my cell phone. Now , I’m a little educated too, so I didn’t call back, I waited on the number to call me again. Yes, it called back, and guess who it was, her, she said if you keep calling him then…I didn’t give her time to finish I just hung the phone up. She kept calling me like 4 more times. Then she sends another message, I told you to stay away from him, leave us alone.

    Ana, and all, I left him alone I promise. I know anything I say or do to him from my end will go against me no matter how many times she says she doesn’t intend on taking me to court. I know its still an option. The bad thing now is, because my aunt called I think she feels it was me. There was an accident that involved a car they owned, they had a right to know.

    I am so blessed to be alive and ticking today and able to update you all. Now, my aunt wants to take the car I’m driving away which belongs to my grandma, as she feels she is involved in too much. I am doing my best to not respond to this woman. Ever since Friday, I just can’t find it myself any longer to take revenge out on someone. My whole heart and soul is at more peace.

    Right now, I know this woman is mad over the car, it got wrecked, she has no way of keeping up with what I drive now, and feels like I now want him back. How do I stop her from continuing to harass me? Will this ever stop?

  • anabellah

    September 14, 2015

    He is the equivalent of a slimy pig.

  • anabellah

    September 14, 2015

    He’d be better off being a polygamist oppose to being an adulterer. Adultery is a heinous sin. Polygamy is valid and legitimate. I agree with Gail. His problem has nothing to do with polygamy. He does n’t want another wife to love and support. He just want to do the do without responsibility.

  • Gail

    September 14, 2015

    Sara,

    Yeah she is just hurt and at a loss as to what to do.I think she is trying to also kinda stay in denial as well and that is why she wanted the lie detector test.
    U told her no and that was the logical thing to do.It is crazy she would ask u to do that but she is not thinking straight right now.
    Listen don’t think she is going to befriend u.She is just looking answers right now.Later on down the road she might but for right now she is in a serious state of depression and confusion about her life.
    It is not mandatory she accepts polygamy even if she is muslim but logically speaking her husband is committing adultery not polygamy.She has not been faced with Polygamy si it really is nothing she would have to be concerned about at this time.

  • Sara

    September 12, 2015

    She may not be a friend to me, but with the love of Allah, i will do my best not to shut her out. She may or may not contact me again, only Allah knows best. I know in my heart for her me taking a lie detector test to prove this man guilty was not worth her assets. I believe she knew i knew she was staying with him either way. Allah will lay it on her heart himself for her accept who her husband was is and will be in the future. Like you say, she has to figure out her past with this man for herself. She won’t be able to do that going down memory lane over he and I. She’s just lost in her soul and probably feels her past was a waste in fact it wasn’t. In time through me, maybe her marriage will strengthen. It took guts to confess what I did, and that wasn’t easy. Allah gave her a beautiful son by this man for reason unknown.

    Its just sad that men do not realize who all hurts when they go outside the marriage. Allah never promised a rose without thorns.

  • anabellah

    September 12, 2015

    @Sara,

    It’s good that you and she can be civil now and talk. You’re not at each other throats or threatening to sign complaints against each other. If she remains with her husband, she’ll have to come to terms with the type of man that she is married to, and deal with it. It’s life.

    She not alone with being able to accept polygamy in theory, but not for herself. A lot of women who identify themselves as Muslim does that. It’s not acceptance at all. Only a Muslim who is a believer will accept polygamy and the reason will be due to her faith and belief in Allah. It’s the woman who will have joy and peace in all aspects of her life. She knows the meaning of life and why Allah created us. I see it clearly now. No one can get another to see, hear and understand. Allah does that.

    Sara, I doubt she could be a friend to you. Too much has happened.

  • Sara

    September 12, 2015

    This whole week I have been constantly reminding her to forget about me and work on her marriage. She flip flops so i dont even know what she wants. Shes on an emotional roller coaster right now.

    Last night i asked her if she could share him with the employee that he gave a pendant too as well. I said you will always be married to him but wil live knowing he may be woth another woman. She saod well for this girl i could, she sweet and smart. I was trying to get inside her head to see her views of polygamy. She quickly responded no i dont think i could do that. As a muslim she has alot of soul searching. She can accept polygamy as a teaching but atthe same time ddoesn’t have to allow it in her home.

    I have finally realized my marriage homes were my own problems. I was so in love with being a momc i forgot how to be a wife. My husband had a need psychologically that had to be fulfilled, so he found someone that would give him that. I was 23 when i turned to divorce. I now realize my husband did love me, i just didn’t show him love.

    This same woman probably needs to look at her own relationship and accept there probably was an issue before me.

    Some me do have sex problems, but looking back now, and after 3 weeks away from him, i think he only had 2 women in his life. He made itvappear he had more.

    We as humans are quick to judge one another before searching for the underlying cause of why things happen.

    So, Ana, she didn’t come back to be a friend to me. It was to pump more answers out of me because she knows hes still in denial. It takes time to admit the truth. I keep praying everyday he will have an humble soul. I pray she wil learn to forgive me as i forgave the other woman in my marriage. It wasn’t completely her fault. She tried hard this week to make me feel guilty.

  • anabellah

    September 12, 2015

    @Sara,

    I don’t quite get how everything is going now with the three of you. I think it’s best you just cut all ties with her and him, but if you think you and she could be friends after all that has happened then you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.

    As I said before, you told her what happened. You owe her no more than it. You don’t owe her details. You don’t need to try to convince her it happened. You don’t need to take a lie detector test. I’d imagine I’d be pissed off had she asked me to take it. She is calling you a liar. I don’t know how she could possibly go on with her life with you still in it. You’re a constant reminder to her of what happened. If you befriend her, you are sure to run into him. It’s an ongoing nightmare.

    If you want to make a clean slate away from the sinful act that was committed, I’d think you’d want no dealings with her or him. It’s just asking for trouble. I wouldn’t be able to deal with the questioning, suspicion and doubt when I’m being straight forward. I have a short fuse. I have to tell her to kiss the part of my body where the sun doesn’t shine. I’d be outta there. Who needs the craziness unless you like drama?

    If you want to keep dealing with her, it’s on you. I say cut her and him lose and move your life forward. Staying in contact with her or him should be a constant reminder of shame you should feel.

    Are you considering working with her on him marrying you and you all being in a polygamous marriage together? If not, keep it moving. Say goodbye to the two of them. There can’t be any drama if you’re not there to mix up in it.

  • Sara

    September 12, 2015

    Ana , Gail, all,

    So, yesterday his wife insisted i take a lie detector test since how he is continuing to lie. Im so torn between many things. I told her this morning I just can’t take this test because I do not know her intentions. She got upset and said to just forget everything. If what all ive shown her isnt enough why is she still needing answers from me? If anyone should be taking this test it should be him.

  • Sara

    September 10, 2015

    Gail,

    Im glad I could make you laugh. Also, im beginning to wonder if they even had a good sexual life. I don’t think she quite understands what true love is either. She is like me, i feel she hasn’t been shown. For both she & I, I think we were in love with different personalities. I don’t feel it’s of any value to dig up past relationships with him, what’s been done has been done. I really would like to see her live happy with the man she fell in love. Walking in love, is sacrificing something you care about so the other one will be happy too. You are right Gail, my ship will come one day. Last night I sat outside and I told Godits all up to him now, I will let him determine my future. This time i wont go seeking a man, the next will come to me.

  • Gail

    September 9, 2015

    Sara,

    Thank u for the kind post but I had died laughing about the licking part hahahhahahahahahha that was a first.Now I am left wondering if she got licked or not hahahahhahaha
    U gave me a well needed laugh thank u.

  • Sara

    September 9, 2015

    Gail,

    I will be there with you during your surgery in your heart. Will be praying for you in your healing. May God open your husband’s heart to realize you both need each other. I definitely emphasize with you. I find so much comfort in this blog. It takes time to understand whether or not someone loves you or not. Marriages just aren’t what they used to be anymore, i think back to my grandparents they married for love,and when they said those vows they meant them. These days men say i do, turn around and are sniffing the next cat. Men today, want to hump everything it seems like. We as women need to stand up for our rights. We dont deserve to have our emotions played with. So many beautiful women walk around lonely because of how a man has treated her disrespectfully.

    Another thing, this mans wife says when a man loves you he will lick you. I disagree, when a man loves you, he respevts his woman by keepingw no secrets. His life will never be double standard. Sex isn’t love.

  • Gail

    September 9, 2015

    Ana and Sara,

    OH MY I went back and reread it!!!! I meant that Sara surely thinks he is a SH!t head and Pervert as well as I do now.LOL
    Sorry for not making a complete sentence there lol

    Sara I wouldn’t think to much into it now.I really do have this feeling that u r figuring things out that u now will know more what u want and u will never let another man lead u on.So I really feel the blog has helped u in that respect.
    I am excited to see what the future holds for u and I pray u get a man that is deserving of u and your son.
    I myself am going through a rough time in my own marriage with my husband in the process to leave me for good come jan. I am at peace with it and thinking how I will save and make money on my own but all is well no worries.I am trying not to hate him as well although it is really hard.I have to have 2 surgeries next week.One is going to be an indepth look at my gallbladder.I will be put to sleep and they r going to make my gallbladder contract.takes an 1 1/2 hours the doc said.
    The second they r going to scope me and take biopsies of my stomach.
    My husband could not even go with me to the surgeon yesterday even he did not work.I have knowone to help me through this mess but I don’t care I told him he will have to take me those days because I can’t drive after.
    I just keep telling myself my heart is healthy I will be fine.I can’t even talk to him about situation.I have a cyst come up on my right toe that i need to get looked at and then I am worry i feel small bumps behind both my ears where my cancer was at.
    I don’t know I have never been unhealthy in my life and even now all the blood test come back fine but crap i have all this stuff wrong.
    I swear so much of it has got to be stress related.

  • anabellah

    September 9, 2015

    Sara,

    It’s all speculation. I don’t think he has lost her. This all just happened to her. She and he have a lot of work to do to get to a good place. Stuff like it could take years. Who knows. It seems you think she should simply say – Oh, ok, I’ve found out for certain my husband is a jerk. I’m not going to put up with this any longer. I’m packing my stuff and I’m outta here. That is not real life for some. For some it is, for some it isn’t. I don’t think one way is better than the other. To each his own. A person must do what they’ve got to do. She’s got to figure it out. It’s not for anyone else to figure it out for her.. It’s easy for someone else to say she should leave. The person is not her. It’s easy for someone else to say what they would do in a certain situation. The person is talking out her @$$ when she or he says it. No one knows what he or she will do until they are presented with the situation. It’s easy for someone to tell another to leave a person. The person isn’t feeling what is in the other person’s heart. The person hasn’t experienced life that the person has with her husband. It’s not a simple situation with a simple answer.

  • Sara

    September 9, 2015

    Ana,

    Then if your best bet she is in it to stay, why won’t she just accept hes always going to lie about me and lay it to rest. Id rather go down memory lane living freely than sitting in jail. He will only change when he’s ready. He lost one person that was his right hand , i dont want to see him lose another.

  • anabellah

    September 9, 2015

    It’s good that you both don’t hate each other. Allah tells us to forgive one another even when we are angry. It was nice that you let your guard down and became vulnerable. She was able to see you in a good light. You erred. We all do. What we do about it is determined by our belief/faith or lack of it. The man has a serious problem. He commits adultery and it’s a serious sin. Perhaps, he will stop. Only Allah knows.

    When I think of what a perv (pervert) is what comes to mind is a masochist, sadism, sadomasochism; dominant/submissive or people who have sex with dead people etc. I had to learn about that stuff when I was in the work force (Sex Crimes). I think Gail was exaggerating when she called the man a pervert. You would know if he was into kink. It sounds to me he simply was a man who followed lust, and an adulterer.

  • Sara

    September 9, 2015

    Right now, she is trying her hardest to prove to him hes a pervert. She says perverts do not deserve a second chance. I am her only source of knowing anything about hi, in other words i can help give her clues to other women he has been around. I think she is telling me she is winding up her days with him thinking that will make me talk more. She even admits and senses i did love him but he used me. I broke down in tears on the phone with her just a few minutes ago and said i am so sorry, i did not think of whom i was hurting. I eas looking to be loved and show love and hurt you and your son in my foolish ways. I thanked her for allowing mr a second chamce at life. She is my angel. I can’t hate this woman and she doesn’t hate me after all. At least i dont think she does.

  • anabellah

    September 9, 2015

    Sara,

    I’m thinking she is going to stay married to him. I don’t know any Pakistani or Indian people personally, but just knowing something of their culture leads me to believe she will stay with him. Where is she going to go? To India? Who is she going to marry, if she divorces him? She has children with him. Their culture isn’t big on divorce. It’s a taboo. He’s not beating her, abusing her or anything of that nature that puts her life or mental health at stake. Although a cheating husband is taxing on the mind, as is polygamy for most women who are in the initial stages of a polygamous marriage.

    I see her staying with him and just overlooking the person that he is. She can’t change him. She may simply stay with him and let him do him. Women have learned to live with that type of husband. It’s not a reflection on her. It’s his doing. He’s the one who will have to account to our Creator for it. If he doesn’t change his ways, repent and ask Allah for forgiveness and He forgives him, the Hell Fire awaits him. It’s not her problem, unless he leads her astray, which is another story.

    There are far more serious things in life that could happen to her or anyone. Even women in the U.S. stay with cheating husbands. They just get on with their lives doing what is satisfying to them. A woman could still do things and go place with her husband and have a life with him although he’s all jacked up.

  • Sara

    September 9, 2015

    Ana,

    Do you see me posting later she stays or she gets up the courage to leave.

  • anabellah

    September 9, 2015

    Ye’ah his type is sort of like pond scum, but worse. They come to countries such as the U.S. to get free, easy lovin. It’s sad.

    Yep the wife got a wake- up call. She probably suspected all the time, but you gave her confirmation.

  • Sara

    September 9, 2015

    Gail and all,

    So today s he texts me that he says im lying about everything. Yes Gail i have been married before and i am divorced. He my ex cheated on me behind my back. I got caight in a similar situation. Both giys are totally different though. I think the muslim guy i was with actually has a mental disorder. I keep telling his wife to seek out marriage counseling. She told me yesterday that because the man loves her so mich that he doesn’t want to hurt her by telling the truth. I honestly think hes scared the truth of why he did it os going to come out and is scared for losing her.. then on the other hand maybe he doesnt give a chickens head what happens. His wife says i only wanted him for money and i got bills paid as well as my education. I sent her records of the federal government awarding me over $15,000.00 in pell grant funds for my education. I also told her i have copies of loans ive taken out as well as records of my pay stubs to prove i worked and earned my money. Its only Hunan nature for her to think that. After she accused me of taking money and i emailed her a photograph of my award money thats when she started coming to me again this week. She also says that money has recently went missing from the store account, if im definitely not around all fingers must point toward him. His parents hate me now, but like i told her, let them hate i do not care, as hate sends you to hell. I love all of them no matter if he lies or not.

    I told her today, i will disappear eventually amd she needs to be a wife and love her child and husband, and let me go or move forward with her own life. Pondering her head over the past only gets her back to square one. I know its easier said than done, but noone told me how important it was to stay married to my husband before i made the decision to walk away.

    5 years ago, i didn’t know this muslim Indian handsome man was married. I was vulnerable and wanted well yearned to love someone. He let me do that then i saw her and it was difficult leaving because he was already controlling my mind. Had i not confronted her it would still be going on today, or she would have found out some other way. Had it lasted 5 more years it would be tha t much difficult getting over. Maybe allah saved me from something terrible happening. Im sitting home trying to look at the bright side at the same time cherish the lottle bit of happiness he did give me but also reminding myself its the bad moments that make me realize im never going back.

    Its her i feel sorry for, she has to live his lies. She has to live knowing if she stays her son could be like his father

  • anabellah

    September 9, 2015

    Gail,

    From what you wrote it sounds that you called Sara sh!t head and a pervert. Reread it lol. I’m on the road right now can’t write.

  • Gail

    September 9, 2015

    Sara,

    I also agree she is figuring out he is a pervert and $h!t head to be frank as I am pretty certain u are as well.
    Either way for sure she knows he is scum now.
    I want to bring something to your attention.U said she had an abortion which is a sin.Her husband may have pushed her to have that abortion./I don’t know this for a fact but it is possible and she will be thinking off all the things she did for him out of some misguided love for him.This is a life changing event for her and she will never see her marriage or her husband ever the same and she knows it and she is morning it.I don’t know if u have been married before I know u have a child but that means nothing in USA as far as marriage but if u have been married and divorced then u understand perfectly what I am talking.
    She will eventually get over it and move on but she is forever changed for sure.
    I am very thankful she is telling u things like he gave another diamond pendent to another worked as well.Chances he is sleeping with her as well who knows but I am sure u see the pendent differently now all the same.
    Truly he is very immature and just wants to be a dog and F@#k around.He has zero interest in being anything other than the dog he is.

  • Sara

    September 8, 2015

    Gail,

    Thank you, i am confused as well. Honestly didn’t think id see her ever again, i thought it would be him. She is even saying that he had to have loved me to visit me on ramadan. I don’t understand alot of this. Maybe through her i will understand how he really is. Shes broken into pieces and appears to be lost. Maybe im hoping i will learn more through her. I accept my blame more now than ever. I told her that both of us loved twp different persons. She now knows he lived to separate lives.

    Gail not only did he give me a diamond pendent but she made me aware he gave one to one of hos employees at hos store.

    I think she is realizing he is actually a pervert not a polygamous

  • Gail

    September 8, 2015

    Sara,
    I read your post and my 2 cents is that she is grieving and going into a severe depression state of mind.She feels hopeless and helpless.She needs to feel connected to u like u wanted to feel connected to her understand.Please don’t be so quick to throw her away.She really needs your shoulder right now to cry on be a friend to her if u liked her in the past.U said u wanted her to accept u well she has accepted u.
    Listen also u might be nice to u one minute and hateful and hurtful to u the next minute.As long as u don’t feel threatened by her I think u r the perfect person for her to cry to.I think u really both do care for each other because I can’t imagine her seeking u out and confiding in u that much is she loathed u.
    It is a sad situation that did not have to be because he could have manned up and told her and married u but instead he was more interesting in being a player.Instead of loosing one woman he lost two if the truth be told.He is a complete looser.I am sure he is already out trolling for his next adultery fling.
    You do what u want but If u really loved her as a friend then be there for her now why she is hurting so much.Even confide in her your feelings as well.
    I went through this with my own cowife and we cried to each other and we fought as well.She even poisoned me if u can imagine.So yeah it can get darn ugly at times but I forgave her and even though she still to this day drives me nuts I would help her in New York Minute.

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2015

    Sara,

    Changing your contact information would not look as though you’re trying to get back with him. Not changing your information looks that way. Are you not going to change your contact information so he will always have a way to reach you (still hopeful for you and him?)

    She says she still loves him. Of course she does. She thinks he’ll never change. Allah knows best whether he will or not.

    You need to be very careful. You could feel empowered by her contacting you. Are you sure it doesn’t make you feel good that she is desperate and in distress? Make sure you’re not feeding off it what she is going through. I’m pretty much am at a loss as to what more to say about it.

  • Sara

    September 8, 2015

    I do feel as though she would charge me with alienation of affection or have ne charged. At the same time, isn’t it bad on her part to keep coming to me of she were trying to do that? One email she sends she says she is leaving in another she says she is staying. Her emotions are like a roller coaster. I feel bad for her she doesn’t have her mom here in the states to confide in. I just keep encouraging her to stay put. She keeps responding he will never change. She also says i still love him. Its not whether or not i still love him, its that i was in a very long relationship with a muslim i felt would tell his wife that im with this woman as a second and i didn’t get that chance. I dont want to change my number too soon or my email too quickly, i wamt to see if she, will ssuddenly quit contacting me for another couple weeks then I’ll change my information. Acting too soon may look like im trying to go back to him.

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2015

    @Sara,

    You’re probably right that you should just change your phone number and email address. It’s best to make a clean break from him.The only way to do it is to not communicate with her or him. Even if you and she were to be friends you’d most likely end up discussing him, which wouldn’t be good for you. You should try not to care anymore about what he does and with whom. It takes time, but you can do it.

    She’s got a lot to iron out with him. As you said, she’s confused. She doesn’t know which way is up. I don’t think she is intentionally trying to get you to communicate with her husband. The last thing I think she would want is for you to still have contact with her husband. She doesn’t appear to be a calculating person like that. I really don’t think she is trying to set you up in any way. It sounds to me in your last few posts that you’re being paranoid. If anything sound logical, it’s that she would file an alienation of affection charge against you and it was only because she was angry at the time. I think it’s the last thing on her mind at this point.

    I see it that you and she can’t move on with your lives until you and she move a part from each other. That man is not worth your time and trouble anymore.

  • Sara

    September 8, 2015

    Ana,

    It may be wise i change my phone number and email address. Maybe i need to cut off her contact with her. She is in a state of confusion I just dont know how to react. I suspected to see him again but not her. I really thought they were working things out. No i don’t want to harm her with a restraint, here in NC i think you have 2 years to report things. It also crossed my mind she’s intentionally doing this to me so i will make a move and go to him. I love myself my son as well as the love i did have for him to let my relationship with him fly. It wasn’t easy confessing those sins. Who’s to say had i just walked away from him silently she wouldn’t have found out about he and I. I encourage her each day that if she loves him she will stay and help him get help for the baby.

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2015

    Sara,

    I really don’t know what it is. You say she could be setting you up. It could be that she and he have argued so much and for so long that she thinks he will come to you. It’s all speculation. You said your home is welcome to her but now you say in the same breath that you will get a restraining order against her. So which is it? She has been betrayed and she’s not going to get over it overnight. As long as she is not harassing you and threatening you and being mean and nasty to you then maybe you should cut her some slack. Remember, you could get a restraining order against her and she could, in turn, sign a complaint against you for alienation of affection. So, you want to proceed wisely.

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2015

    Sara,

    I’m writing this quickly. She can’t drive him to go have another affair. That is where many people are mistaken. It’s the same with Polygamy when others say the wife caused her husband to go get another wife. It just is not the case. The man goes and gets another wife or has an affair because of something that is within himself. He blames it on others. It is an excuse for what he does instead of realizing what’s wrong with him.

  • Sara

    September 8, 2015

    Ana,

    She is welcome to my home anytime; however, she is only wasting her timeand energy dragging her small baby as well as her gas. She comeby again, today to tell me he may come by my house. I took a quick shower and I left. Somehow I feel she is trying to set me up by telling me whether or not he may be coming to me. Just to see if i contact him. If i wanted to call him bad enough i would go to the nearest pay phone and call the store where he works. Technology is so advanced im not so sure she is tracking my every move. If what she says today about leaving for India isnt true i will have no choice but to take put a restraint so she wont be allowed near me. Its starting to go too far. Like you say, my relationship with him is over and she isn’t mending hers coming to me stalking me. The way she’s acting isnt she driving him to want to cheat again?

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2015

    @Sara,

    I suggest you not get wrapped up any longer in what is happening between him and her. You have let her know that you and he were in a relationship for five years. You let her know that it is now over between him and you. She has to come to term on her own or with someone else (not with you) about what happened.

    You are not required to tell her the details of the relationship that you had with him. It’s private between you and him. If he wants to tell her, it’s okay. He should be the one to tell her though. If he won’t be truthful with her, it’s not your problem. It’s hers. She’s going to have to make her intent to divorce him or remain with him. If she remains with him, she’s going to have to find a way to forgive him and accept him. It appears he is a habitual “cheater”/adulterer.

    Anyway you look at it, you need to get him completely out your life. Those are my thoughts about it.

  • Sara

    September 8, 2015

    Gail and Ana,

    I swear she started in at 5:45 am sending me an email abouy how its useless staying with a liar, then called my cell at 6:30 am, now is pleading for me to confront he and his parents and her so he will hopefully tell the truth. It all seems so fishy, is she trying to pull me and him back together cause she made the statement he loved enough to do such and such. Speaking of the devil, she is calling in as I’m trying to write this post. Ladies, i don’t know what to do. Do i be her shoulder , or is she up to something fishy?

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2015

    @Sara,

    As Gail stated, you and his wife may end up being very good friends. She may just kick the low down dirty dog to the curb. If she does, don’t you go picking him up. Let him stay there in the gutter with the rest of the rats. It may sound cold, but…

  • Sara

    September 8, 2015

    Gail and Ana

    I am trying hard to get her to realize I am deeply sorry for my actions and I stated to her i will take 100% fault for everything. He is still denying he did anything wrong. I think she still suspects we still do see one another and she needed to be reassured her guy instinct was wrong. I also sensemaybe she is realizing she doesn’t really know who she married. The way she is natured ot doesn’t surprise me if she ends up leaving him. I actually encouraged her to move away, because staying in this town is like feeding fuel to the fire for him. He is surrounded by many memories. if their mmarriage is still shaky im guessing maybe he misses life before i opened my mouth. I even told her that continuing to pester him over me is not going to make the situation easier. I reminded her keeping up with him is only going to drive him further away. It wouldn’t shock me if she begs me to come back to the house to clean up. She had some nerve coming to my house. Honestly, she will continue to make some form of contact with me. The way people lie today, for her to have sent me all these emails lately someone has told her ive been near him for her to be so desperate in talking to me.

  • Gail

    September 8, 2015

    Sara,

    Even though u r not Polygamous this is exactly how it goes down when the first wife finds out her husband has another wife.Normally crap hits the fan the first wife is so angry at first then she goes into a deep depression.If she is contemplating divorce she might very well do it being here in USA.
    U know it is ok to be sympathetic towards her one minute and want to rip her head off the next.lol this is what we call the emotional roller coaster.U r lucky though because u got a chance to get off that ride.Who knows u and her might become friends again without him being involved.
    Seems he is on to his next adventure/woman.

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2015

    @Sara,

    I’m happy to know you, and that you are here. You deserve much more than that man. You are starting a new chapter in you life. It’s a nice new beginning. You’re doing good, praise be to God. Keep moving forward in a positive direction, and don’t look back. Just learn from the past so not to repeat it. 🙂

  • Sara

    September 7, 2015

    Ana,

    I thank Allah each day I was lead to thos site. It has helped me find my I
    answers so i can let go of my past. My whole soul feels this huge weight on my shoulder has been taken away. I always said, i could never make it on my own with out him in my life, in the end im making it. Thank you so much for listening to meover these past weeks. I continue to pray for he and his family that they will live a good life.

  • anabellah

    September 7, 2015

    @Sara,

    You are absolutely right. Don’t risk your son for him or any other loser. You know for a fact that he is one.

  • Sara

    September 7, 2015

    Ana,

    She is basically tearing his past and looking for answers as whether she should stay or go. She said yesterday he supposedly ate lunch from taco bell and it was a chicken quesadilla becaise she isn’t cooking for him. After that, she said he shaved himself clean and left the home for awhile. I commented that ifshe is that insecure then hire a pprivate investigator to monitor what he is doing. Her contacting me is not helping me get over the situation any better either. I also told her the nore she digs up on him, then the more she is driving him to play the field. I also told her the next woman he cheats with he will be ten times sneakier. She claims he turns his phone off to prevent her from locating him. Im thinking she is monitoring his moves on me, but at the same time if hes not cheating with me then she knows it must be someone else. I now emphasize with you all she really does hurt and she really does want answers. She doesn’t hate me,and she did like me at some point, if she didn’t she wouldn’t have come knocking on my door. The woman says in one email i want yiu out of our lives and in another every morning is a struggleand im still considering leaving him. She goes from one door to the next. I even made her aware of the fact if she is talking to me for answers to see if I’m going to contacthim then its not going to work. At this point i cant risk my son for a loser.

  • anabellah

    September 7, 2015

    @Sara, Hi,

    I think you said all the right things to her by encouraging her to stay with her husband and work on their marriage. It probably made her feel better to hear you say it oppose to hearing you say something nasty like – she needs to leave him because he loves you and hurtful stuff like it.

    I understand how she would be looking for answers, but getting them won’t make her feel any better about what happened. You don’t need to tell her anything other than it is over between you and him.

    You need to be careful what you say to her, as she could be recording your conversations. Be careful what you write to her, as well. Although, I think she is really harmless at this point. It sounds she’s having a very difficult time coping and she thinks getting the details from you about your relationship with him would help her.

    If you want to meet and talk with her, you should do it in a highly populated place. Go for coffee or some place where she or you would be reluctant to cause a scene. I think it’s best that you simply not deal with her. It’s not as though you and she are co-wives.

    I don’t think she’s concerned about you going back with him. I think she is feeling very low about her worth as a wife and a woman. She going through what women whose husbands become polygamous go through – the questioning – what was I lacking? What cause him to go to another? wasn’t I good enough? etc, etc. It’s not about you right now. She just trying to find her way. She’s at an all time low. She has gone from being angry to just wanting to understand.

  • Sara

    September 7, 2015

    HI Ana and all,

    Well today, i had a knock on my door and it was his wife. Shocker but not totally shocking. I did not let her in as i felt like letting her in my home was not the right time. So, she emailed me after ahe left and said i come by your home and just need answers. I do not know whether to stay or leave.I did rerespond by saying emailing me is useless,as i have already tild you everything i know. The fire is still going. She made it clear that waking up every morning ishhorrible. I just do not trust her atvthis point as she does not trust me either. I feel so sorry for her because she is searching for answers the way i was. I know im not the one to help her so i encouraged her to seek counseling. I also encouraged her to stay with her husband as it was her childs best interest to keep it working. You can continue to love someone but you do not have to like their sin. The devil really is trying my patience as i feel this is her way of seeing if I’m going to go back around him.

  • ummof4

    September 3, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Sara, ditto to what Ana has said. The man’s wife has every right to be angry and lash out at you for your betrayal of her trust. Both you and her husband betrayed her trust. When a person commits a sin and sincerely repents, Allah may forgive the person. However, humans do not forgive so easily. Expect it and live with it.

  • anabellah

    September 3, 2015

    @Sara,

    I doubt the man’s wife found out that he has been involved with someone else besides you, and now wants to take it out on you. You’re simply guessing and making stuff up in your head. You know she found out about you, as you were the one who told her, so try to stick with what is real.

    Although she told you that she intends to work it out with her husband, doesn’t mean that she is no longer angry and bitter at him and at you, more so you. Many women can overlook what their husbands have done, but can’t overlook what the other women had done. You shouldn’t expect her not to still be extremely angry, and want to hurt you.

    It’s more than a matter of him having messed around with just any woman out there. You presented yourself as her friend and a friend of her family. Friends don’t have sex with the friend’s husband. It’s one of the biggest betrayals out there other than a husband sleeping with the wife’s sister or his own daughter. You can’t expect her to put it behind her and go back to being herself again with her husband overnight.

    The only reason that she is threatening that she will file charges of “Alienation of Affection” against you is because she is uncertain that he and you have totally ended the relationship. She probably is making the treat so you’d know she is serious about needing you to stay away from her husband. She did her homework, as there is a statute in the State in which you live that she could charge you with. Although I doubt she’d file the charge, she has it as leverage against you.

    You need to take responsibility for the part you played in the matter. She is the wife and she has reason to be very upset with you. You have no reason to be upset and angry with her. You betrayed her and had an illicit relationship with her husband. Stop blaming her. You played a big part in the matter.

    I suggest you try not to think anymore about what her mindset is. Try to get your own life together. You need to go to the next chapter in your life and leave the past behind. Don’t revisit it.

  • ummof4

    September 3, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Sara, I agree with Ana and Gail. Ignore his wife and ignore him. If she continues to communicate with you, then just block her and/or change your contact information. Don’t get an attorney for nothing.

    To everyone,in this age of technology, it seems that it is difficult for most people to ignore those who are harassing them. The phone and internet are like drugs that people can’t resist looking at and responding to. Time and time again we have ladies on the blog who complain about being harassed on the phone or the internet. They feel they have to respond to each and every threat, picture, or bad language that is used. If it upsets you so much, ask Allah for the strength to make you ignore ignorance. The more you feed into it, the worse it will get.

  • Sara

    September 3, 2015

    Gail and Ana,

    I know that infedelity and alienation of affection are grounds to be used in divorce. I just don’t understand why she would tel me two weeks ago that she was going to work it all out with him and iif he hasn’t been seeing me or contacting me then i honestly felt like things would get better. The only thing i can think of is she has found something going on between him and someone else and has decided to divorce him and is mean enough to make it look like all my fault. What is the worse she can file against me if she is not divorcing him. I know there is never a perfect marriage. And even i can argue that she did know a little something due to the fact i used to be inside the home cleaning or running errands for them. The whole situation is probably a big laugh for a judge here. A judge would look at the guy and say sir arr you tha stupid to have your cake and eat it too? He hurt two people ont just one. He had one be his baby mama and the other be hos slave worker. Even i know a man isn’t going to continue toget some from another woman if he doesnt like the feelings.

    Gail,

    I hope that really was God saying Sara move on with your life, your purpose in life is far more greater than dwelling on the past. My husband and I divorced because he cheated on me, but you know I was too young to realize that its worth more to try to mend the marriage and unhealthy to keep on nagging the man. Men will be men at the end of the day. Nobody can change a person.

    Conclusion

    He is probably or was probably seeing someone else other than me so now she has took it upon herself to blame me for it all.

    Moral,

    I will never get involved in a dilemma like this ever again. Nobody is wprth this much pain. GODgives us tests and trials to see if we are going to stay in the wrong or leaveit. I confessed my sin and God hopefully will forgive me.

  • Gail

    September 3, 2015

    Sara,

    Don’t worry all she is doing is stirring the pot out of hurt and anger nothing more.I think she liked u as a person and she is hurting.People do and say things when they r hurt believe me I know.U have a choice to just not respond to her or u can be her punching bag pretty much.She is hurting more than u are because she now knows her husband can’t be trusted.I feel so sorry for her.At least u know she is pain also.It is to bad u both see each other as the enemy.

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    @Sara,

    I’ve never heard of a mistress being sentenced to jail. I haven’t heard of “Alienation of Affection” in many, many years, probably since I was a child. What you’re speaking of again is all civil, not criminal, so I need to do research on it the same as you. I just Googled “Alienation of Affection” and North Carolinah came up as one State that still has the common law statute. That you know of, can she prove that you and he had more than just a friendly business relationship and you cared for her and their family, such as correspondences between you and him? Other than it, it’s her word against yours.

    Nevertheless, I still wouldn’t worry about it. I’d simply end all contact with him and her, which you said you’ve pretty much have done. Unless you receive some document charging you with an offense, you shouldn’t sweat it. She would have to prove the offense against you, which would probably be difficult to do and not worth her time, trouble and expense. If and when she files a complaint against you then consult with an attorney.

  • Sara

    September 2, 2015

    Do they send mistresses to jail when two people divorce and one can prove alienation of affection. I really honestly ar this point hiping this is Gods way of telling me to move on from this family. I really would hope she doesn’t divorce him. My guess wpuld be something isn’t right for her to out of the blue send me that e-mail threatening that she will see me in court. I know she wrexked her car and it was her fault, police report was online. Im womderimg if she upset over not having her cxar and is going to blame me that i caused her to have an accident due to her being a nervous wreck . When she sent me that last email to stay away i took it seriously and have not even made one attempt to contact him.

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    @Sara,

    In North Carolina, the law regarding Restraining Orders may be different in that you would not have to have lived with her or been in a dating relationship or marriage to obtain one. Those are the requirement where I live. Some states allow ordinary citizens to obtain Restraining Orders against one another. North Carolina may be one. Again, if you’re not bothering her, you have nothing to worry about. Again keep all text, etc in case you need it. Know that she’s probably keeping any that you sent, as well.

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    @Sara,

    If she files for divorce, the complaint would be against her husband, not you. I assume she’d allege that he and you had an ongoing affair with each other for five year and blah, blah, blah. She’d file for infidelity/adultery, for instance. There is nothing she’d file a complaint against you for other than for what I stated in the earlier post – harassment or criminal trespassing. I don’t think there is a huge difference in the laws of the States.

    You have nothing to worry about, as long as you leave her alone. He may attempt to get a Restraining Order against you to satisfy her. He would be able to do so, as he was in a relationship with you. He could allege you keep harassing him or threatening him. Unless they file such charges, you have nothing to worry about based on my knowledge of the law. My field of expertise was in criminal law, not civil.

    Nonetheless, I’d suggest you not waste your time and thoughts on her idle threats. She wants to intimidate you. If any thing, you could text her that you want her to not contact you anymore or you’d file a complaint against her (for harassment). It’s best to leave it alone unless she makes a pest of herself and continues to bother you. I certainly DON’T suggest you hire an attorney. There is no need for you to consult with one, either.She only want to intimidate you and upset you. Don’t let her upset you and your peace of mind. She’s got nothing on you, from what I can see and what you’ve told me. If she contacts you, keep the text, emails etc for evidence, if this should go any further.

  • Sara

    September 2, 2015

    So worse case scenario is shes filing for divorce and is saying shes going to charge me woth infidelity and alienation of affection. I am hoping she is just saying this because shes angry. I live in North Carolina. Im trying to gather a defense side for me. I can tell the attorney the whole story. Hopefully defensively we can argue he did just as much wrong due to the fact he still come around. I am hoping that a judge wont put me at fault for everything. Im praying hard she found out he was talking to someone else other than me. But basically, in order to accuse those things she would be filing divorce. I think this is Gods way of telling me its over, and its time ro start a new life. I do not want any kind of relationship with amy man no time soon. He left a hige scar on my Heart.

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    @Sara,

    She may suspect that you and he still communicate, even though the two of you don’t. She must be feeling very insecure. What wife wouldn’t when she finds out her husband had a five year affair behind her back. She’s talking nonsense about alienating affection. It’s a term used in divorce between a husband and wife, not something a girlfriend/mistress would be charged with. Do you think she’d really spend the type of money and time needed to pursue anything in court other than a divorce?

    I don’t know the laws where you live. Where I live there are only restraining orders in domestic violence cases. He and you would be able to get restraining orders against each other. She and you wouldn’t be able to get restraining orders against each other, if you lived in the State I live, unless you lived in the same dwelling together as roommates.

    I don’t think it’s worth you bothering with her legally. Just change your contact information or block her. It’s easy to block people via phone and email. Other than it, put her on ignore. She’s probably harmless. Continue to stay your distance from her. I doubt she’s going to divorce him or leave him.

  • Sara

    September 2, 2015

    Ana,

    No I have not communicated with hersince around the 16th oAugust when she saod she was monitoring everything he did. I just received an email out of the blue. I am hoping that mayve she fpund something on his phone othere than it being about he and i and she is using his and my affair as grounds for wanting to leave him. I dont even go to the store where he works and i dont even make any attempt to cal him. She must be felling insecure about what hes doing. She said in the emai that she is going to see me in court for alienation of affection. I responded back too quickly and sai basically to please move forward with your life and be happy and count your blessings. I said god forgives those who confess their sins. Could i take out a no contact order against her? I hate to dig the whole deeper. Please pray for me as i need this now.

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    @Sara,

    I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Have you been contacting her, text her or anything like it that would give her evidence against you? The most I could see her doing is filing a complaint against you for harassment. She’d only have a harassment complaint, if you’ve been bothering her. Have you gone to her home lately? If so, she could get you for trespassing, if she has told you to say away. Other than it, I don’t see that she’d have anything to go to court with about you. I suggest you not communicate with her at all. Don’t text, email, call, write her a letter, go to her home or anything.

    In order for her to still feel threatened by you, she must know that you and he still communicate, if you do. Otherwise, she’d have no reason to contact you and say she’s taking you to court. Don’t respond to her communications. Don’t think you could reason with her because it doesn’t sound she could hear you.

    It’s good you confess, as it helped you put an end to a relationship that was sinful and bad for all parties concerned. You should be glad and feel good about yourself for not letting yourself be used by him any longer. You need to have self-respect. You should stop second guessing yourself. What happened is done and it can’t be undone. There is no use thinking you should not have done it. You’re only wasting your time and brain power on such thoughts.

  • Sara

    September 2, 2015

    Ana Gail and all,

    Im just updating you on my situation. So his wife emails me and says that she is going to courtover me and the guy. Should i be worried or is this her trying to see if im still seeing him. Evidently hes dong something. I wish now i hadn’t of confessed. Right when im beginning to feel better this happens

  • Marie

    August 28, 2015

    Ana and ummof4 wa alykum as salaam.

    The family and new baby are good, alhamdulliah. we are all absolutely in love with her.my 4 year old said “mommy shes so lovely, i just cant take my eyes off her”. Thank you for asking. I hope all is well with your family’s as well.

  • ummof4

    August 28, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Sara, this man is the first Moroccan that I have heard of that considers himself white. Maybe he is from an upper-class family, I haven’t met too many of them. Or maybe he is not 100% Moroccan. Or maybe he has been in the US long enough to learn that it’s better to say that he’s white, because of the white privilege that exists in this country. I have personally met at least 100 or more Moroccans, both in the US and in Morocco, and they all say that color doesn’t matter and they are not white, just Moroccan from Africa.

    There are some people of every ethnic group that say they don’t like their own ethnic group. I know white people who say they don’t like white people and want to be black, and black people who say they don’t like black people and want to be white. Allah created us differently so that we may know each other. Allah says that the best person is the one who has the best obedience to Allah. But people will continue doing what they are doing until Allah wills them to change.

    Sara, quite frankly, it doesn’t matter much if he says he is white or not, just remember to be careful with any man.

    Jum’uah Mubarak and may all of our du’ahs be answered today.

  • Gail

    August 28, 2015

    Ummoff4,

    U explained Morocco very nicely.I think it would be awesome if your husband could write a book about polygamy from the mans point of view.It might just be a best seller.

  • Sara

    August 27, 2015

    Thanks,

    He lives near me and is studying at a University to be an engineer. He does consider himself white. Claims to not like black people. I think he senses i know a little about the mind games they can play though. You done a wonderful job clarifying everything for me. I do not mind having friends of different culture i just am not in no means ready to tie myself down to a physical relationship. I already told him i wont be doing anything as i dont want to be viewed as a whore.

  • ummof4

    August 27, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Marie, how’s the baby?

    Sara, you seem to be attracted to Muslim men or foreign men. That’s okay if that’s what you like. I advise you to read about Islaam from the Qur’aan to learn more. Again, most Muslim men who are concerned about their relationship with Allah, do not approach women for a romantic relationship. Men and women can be platonic friends, however.

    I am familiar with Morocco and Moroccan men as one of my daughters married a Moroccan, and I have many friends, male and female who have married Moroccans. I have visited Morocco. My husband and I went there to check out the family that my daughter was marrying into. Moroccans generally consider themselves Africans, some are just light-skinned. Most of them do not consider themselves white. My son in-law’s family are from the whitest of white to dark brown, just as it is in many African-American and Latino families. When my son in-law got his Social Security card, the receptionist told him to check white, and he refused to; so he didn’t check anything because they only had Black, White, Asian or Latino as choices. Most of the Moroccans that I know that have married European Americans or African-Americans don’t seem to care about the color of their spouse. As a matter of fact, I don’t know any Moroccan who is married to a blond hair, blue eyed American, Muslim or non-Muslim.

    Moroccans are family oriented, but not to the extreme as in other countries. People generally marry whom they want, with the permission of their parents. There are very few arranged marriages. Often, at least 3 generations live in one big house. Marriages are about the same as in the United States, some good, some bad, some long lasting, some short. Divorce is not welcomed, but is not considered a sin. Moroccan men do not see women as inferior, and many women work outside of the home and are very educated.

    If your friend is already in the country, it is easy to find out about him. If he is in Morocco, it will be more difficult to learn the truth. I’m not saying that no Moroccan will ever marry for a green card, I’m just saying that of all the ones I know, they come to the US, get married and stay married.

    As far as polygamy, it does happen, but is about as common in Morocco as it is in the United States. They have a law stating that the first wife has to give permission for her husband to marry a second wife. This law is against Islaam, but a number of countries that have legal polygamy have the same condition. I’m talking about the cities and towns, I can’t speak for the villages.

    So there’s Morocco in a nutshell. So I guess I’m now the resident Moroccan expert.

    Sara, I’m glad that you have realized that it is best to take things slow and not get involved in a sexual relationship too quickly. Hopefully your next one will be after marriage.

    Everyone have a good day and remember Allah often.

  • anabellah

    August 27, 2015

    @Marie,

    It’s really nice having you back with us. I pray you and all your family are well. Thank you very much for inputting! 🙂 I appreciate it. Alhumdulliah!

  • Marie

    August 27, 2015

    Sara

    You sound like you like Muslim men or the way a Muslim man is supposed to be. To get one of the good ones first of all you would be Muslim, second, your father brother ect would have let you know about him before he let you know about him. Ğood Muslim men don’t approach women on the street or Super markets they find out who her wali is and go though them.

    My advice to you is to focus on where you want to go in your life, find happiness with yourself. And then let a man add to that happiness instead of letting the man be what makes you happy. I’d leave men alone for a bit.

    About morrocaan men, I know someone who travels to marroco on a regular and stays for a few months a year. Apparently polygamy is quite popular out there and the women (wives) tend to all live in the same house. Thats all I could tell you lol.

  • Gail

    August 27, 2015

    Sara,

    Oh Lord u must think I am a cultural guru! LOL Seriously though I don’t know anything on Morocco or the culture.I would agree with Ana though u might better stick with your American Culture because the problem is u can’t investigate the man and u just have to believe what he tells u which may or may not be a lie.
    He might tell u he is single but have a wife and 8 kids back in his home country.Heck he might have 2 or 3 wives there is just know real way to know anything in these cases.
    I think it is nice u r meeting people that is a good step forward but I am telling u the truth unless u r ready to accept Islam and Polygamy and everything that goes with u might better back off from the muslim men in my opinion.
    U can marry a muslim man but just remember u don’t know what u r going to get “that box of chocolate thing”lol

  • Sara

    August 26, 2015

    Yea, im researching everything. I dont mind being a ffriend but i dont desire anything sexual with anyone.

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2015

    Sara,

    I suggest to you that you leave those foreigners alone and stick to your own unless you are a glutton for punishment. You’re only asking for trouble. Remember Muslim men are allowed to be polygamous. He may not be today, but only Allah knows what will happen tomorrow.

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2015

    @Sara,

    You don’t know how much you had me laughing. I still am LOL. What? Do you think Gail is a world expert at cultural diversity? She’s married to a Pakistani, which is why she knows so much about the people and culture. Who knows, she may know something about Moroccans and their culture as well.. Thanks for the laugh. I’m glad you had a really good week thus far 🙂 .

  • Sara

    August 26, 2015

    Gail,

    YOU GO GIRL!. High 5. So my week has been going by so much better. I have met a new friend and hes actually a muslim from Morocco. I told him straight up im not into a one night stand, but i feel this total calmness over him as though ive known him before. Im in no rush to hurry things, as i know i am quick to become attached. But Gail, what are these types of people natured like, should i stay or run? Ive screwed up before and dont want the same thing.
    Im proud that yiur husband is being affectionate, sometimes you kind of got to go with the flow to make peace.

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2015

    @Gail,

    Dear Gail, I’m ecstatic for you. You sound so happy. I could only imagine the joy you brought your husband by letting him know that you would standby and support him in caring for his parents. It’s HUGE to him. How could he not help, but feel the love for you when you’re on his side. There is nothing wrong with him taking care of his parents and being kind to them. I think you will find that all of you will be happier together since you will no longer be odds with the people he loves so much. You did good, girl. Alhumdulliah (Praise be to Allah).

    It should be better for your health as well. Less stress makes for better health. At least you could live with a good conscience that you made the sacrifice, should something happen to his parents. You’d have no regrets. Things seems to be looking up for you. Oh, happy days.

    I don’t blame you for holding onto your husband. No one is perfect. He always has sound to be a good provider and a loving husband to you; although he puts you on ignore sometimes and says he can’t stand you at times. People say things they wished they had never said. It’s important for us to forgive even when angry. God had him chose you over your ex-co and monogamy with you over polygamy.

    He is a keeper. I think you made good intentions. This post and yours probably should be over on the August thread.

  • Gail

    August 26, 2015

    Ana and everyone,

    I thought I let u ladies know I am feeling alot better mentally about my husband.
    I thought long and hard about my life and I although I eel he pushes me where his parents are concerned and G.D knows they drive me crazy he does have his good sides.
    My husband has done a lot of rotten things in his life but I guess alot of people have esp men but I wanted to be honest with myself and I do see where he is also very good in certain areas like supporting us and working like a dog 24/7 to make sure we are always going forward and he never forces me to work esp when I am ill.
    I have decided life is to short and I am not going to allow him to keep dealing his parents without threatening him all the time.
    It will be my gift to him and I hope and pray G>D will bless my children for my sacrifice.
    What changed my heart was although we were living in 200,000 dollar lease home and it was beautiful it was not ours.We moved in the city for my medical issues.We thought I had breast cancer and then I had skin cancer etc.. and my husband paid for the beautiful home for us and never complained to me.We went to Branson,MO 2 months ago and bought this 3 bedroom 2 bath mobile home for a steal of 4,500 dollars with central heat and air and remodeled totally cute.He was going to rent it out but instead I offered him that we could move back to the property and live in it if he liked and he thought about it and said it was my choice because either way he could afford the city home if I wanted but I told him no it is ok we can move in the mobile until we buy a 4 or 5 bedroom until kids r through college.
    I have all planning to build a one huge monster home for the kids when they older or at least I did.I will let kids choose later in life what they like.
    I just thought I would share because I remember reading somewhere about people love the way they want to be loved but that is wrong and u have to love your spouse they way they want to be loved.Well I like living alone and not to be bothered but my husbands interpretation of love is taking care of his parents.Well I decided to try it and let them just stay with us and give them a room man he was happy and been laying on my lap and just loving all up on me.lol
    He don’t know what I have decided and I am not going to tell him just yet because he told me the parents would not be living with us come next year and they r leaving very soon within the month.
    Yeah I am amazed at how he has totally warmed up to me because he sees this as love.Soooooo strange and I am scratching my head but then he is buying all these mobiles and land because I wanted it.
    I am going to experiment some more and see if this theory keeps working.lol

  • Spirited

    August 26, 2015

    Salaam gang,

    @Jasmina, its no problem. Thank you for the suggestion! At least natural things have fewer side effects than medication. I’ve tried some prescription things and a few homeopathic things for hair without much of an effect. No harm in trying this too. I’ve been doing laser treatments for a year and half. I think that’s making a difference, but it’s not anything like once or twice and you’re done like most people make it seem to be (every month for over a year so far…lol).

    Thank you for your encouragement.

    @Ana, got the email, thank you for forwarding along

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2015

    @jasmina,

    Your message has been sent

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2015

    @jasmina,

    It was very kind and thoughtful of you to give Spirited the information. I will email her the links. I removed them from your comment as it is against the blog policy to include links in posts that are free advertising for other site(s) or promote other sites.

    Thank you!

  • jasmina

    August 26, 2015

    @ spirited, I hope you don’t mind me saying so but you mentioned about the side effects of your fertility problem with your thinning hair… well after having baby I experienced thinning hair you know due to hormones etc. Anyhow I recently came across a product called Fusion that my friend in australia sends to me, it’s a natural medication. IT WORKS. I never recommend stuff but this actually thickened my hair in 1-2 weeks. If I stop taking it my hair thins again but not as bad as before. I take 2 tablets of the Fusion Hair Tonic and 1 table of the Fusion Skin and Hair pill twice a day for both. It worked for a little girl that became completely bold and doctors couldn’t help her, after 10 months she had a full head of hair, here is her video:

    The links to the fusion site is here:

    Also regarding your facial hair, it’s simple to fix, just get laser or wax (don’t shave, it will come out thicker). Or if it’s really not that bad then just bleach it with facial hair bleach you can buy from indian markets. When it comes to beauty it’s very easy to bring out the best in you with product as vain as that may sound but its the world we live in i guess, so that shouldn’t be any reason for you to feel like your hubby or any other man should you break it off with him wouldn’t see you as as beautiful as I’m sure you are just as you are on the inside masha’Allah.

    I really hope you do not mind me bringing this up.

  • Sara

    August 24, 2015

    Gail Ana and all,
    So as im driving nby the store where the guy works i see his wifes car has been wrecked badly in the front. Wow. Anyway, Gail listen to whitney houston step by step and im every woman. And that chocolate really tastes horrible you will find the sweet chocolate eventually. It was depressing being home alone after my son went to school, but itvwill get better.

  • Gail

    August 24, 2015

    Ana,

    Thanks although it is a nightmare I will do my very best with G>D help to see my children’s best futures.

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2015

    I am in bed using my tablet, which is a pain in the tush, but not as bad as the phone. It is 8:00 a.m. I am normally back to sleep by now. Oh, well, Allah had other plans. I have to come back later, Insha Allah, and read GodIsMyHeart’s post.

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2015

    Gail,

    It is good Spirited shed some light on what your husband said – that he can’t stand you. She said it is sort of customary for them to verbally snap, so to speak. Not that it makes it right but you know not to take it personally. It is a cultural type thing they do.

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2015

    Gail,

    Your little 10 year old has always appeared to be a brainiac based on all you’ve said about him. Definitely make your intent to get him through college. I get a good feeling about him. I would love to see what God has in store for him.I wouldn’t want to be you dealing with your husband about your 12 year old daughter. It seems like a nightmare waiting to happen. That marrying the cousin thing is huge. Being a septic insaller for your 14 year old? Yeah, if he desired to do it,but if not, aim higher for sure.

  • Gail

    August 24, 2015

    Sara,

    If life is like a box of chocolates then mine have been sitting out in the sun to long.lol I think someone played a huge joke on me and made my chocolates out of Sh!T lol

  • Gail

    August 24, 2015

    Ana,

    My husband and I are morally mismatched.I don’t know anything that he hasn’t done and I am opposite I try to live a morally good life.I know if I divorce I have no recourse to pay for my sons college.My 10 yr is very bright and I desire college above all for him.As far his children it is doubtful he would send them as his desire is for my 14 yr old to dig septics. come on now I have huge dreams for my kids and being a septic installer is not one of them.It just disgust me to no limits.

  • Gail

    August 24, 2015

    Ana,

    I really don’t know I have tried over the years but obviously with everything that has happened I am not jolly with them anymore and that is because my husband has taken them to raise against my will.He tells me how great they are like they r saints.Bottom line is I want to live the normal American lifestyle meaning I don’t want the inlaws leaching off of us.I feel they have done enough leaching off of me to last me a lifetime.
    I know I can never get over the past enough to play the role of idiot and sit and chit chat with them like they mean something to me.I see it as they let their son use me and I don’t want them around me.I need and desire peace in my life and intend to get it.
    Culture is the main problem these people see nothing wrong with what they did with me and that is perfectly fine but In our culture we don’t let people Sh!t on us them go sit and break bread with them.Also my husband says he can’t stand me ok fine then why i deal his parents if he can’t stand me.There is nothing in it for me at the end of the day.Truly I have nothing in common with these people.They don’t speak english and they rub me the wrong way as also does my husband because of his lack of making me and the kids his priority.All I know it is going to come back to bite him hard in the future.I have a sincere feeling that he will end up alone or with a 3rd wife in the long run because he is burning all his bridges with the children and I.
    He actually told me that I am turning the kids against him and he made a wrong choice to trust his kids with me.I find this so insulting coming from him a liar,cheater and a thief of all people.

  • ummof4

    August 24, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Sara, keep running away, far, far away from this man. Was it a sign that you saw him? Yes it was, a big sign that said DANGER, DANGER, DO NOT ENTER!!
    NO ADMITTANCE! STOP!

  • Sara

    August 23, 2015

    Gail,

    I got mylaugh i needed. Life is like a festering pimple ready to explode. I thought life was like a box of chocolates you never know what your gonna get. Anyway i hope we all up here will see better days. Im sittimg in my living room dying over the laugh. Thanks for the free medication!

  • anabellah

    August 23, 2015

    Gail,

    Is it that they just aren’t feeling the love??? Please explain it to me like I’m a two year old.

  • anabellah

    August 23, 2015

    @Gail,

    What exactly does he want you to say to his parents? Have you asked him what you are supposed to chit chat with them about – the weather, how much ice cream got sold today, what bills need to be paid, that they need to contribute more, what’s coming on TV, how much they hate your ex-co? If they’ve got something to say to you, then they need to begin the conversation. Do they talk to you and you put them on ignore? I’m just not getting it…

  • Gail

    August 23, 2015

    Ana,
    I do sit with them and cook them dinner etc… I just don’t chat with them as I have nothing to say to them.I am seeing this issue is like beating a dead horse.I will just have to either tell him to kiss of or deal it until kids r older it seems.
    U talked about them dying well believe me that is why I need them to leave and I have told my husband this that I don’t want to sit around hoping or them to die of so I can be free of that mess.
    I feel like my life is like a darn festering pimple ready to explode

    Sara.

    What Ana is saying is correct until u leave that mess u can’t move on spiritually or to find a good man u r just mentally stuck.
    As far as doing nice things u do it not for that person u do it for G>D blessings.
    Look I have done so much for my husband and family and I get nothing and I mean nothing but grief and stress in return.Although I am not going to lie I am over the top sick of it but never the less I don’t tell them that they should treat me good because of everything I have done for them I know that is stupid thinking because u r asking a selfish person to care understand and those to concepts don’t mesh.
    Listen about Christianity although it is true main stream christians don’t accept Polygamy it does not in any way change the fact that pretty much all the Prophets were polygamist.Abraham,Jacob,etc…seems nuts to me that Christians deny polygamy when the Prophets themselves practiced it.
    Islam is way different than Christianity since they don’t eat pork pray 5 times a day,still practice sacrificing animals,head covered etc…
    Don;t get caught up as seeing your ex as being any kind of a sign u both run in the same circles so it was bound to happen.
    When he told u his wife has some kind of legal papers if u come around I doubt that.What he was really trying to make clear is that it is over between u both.He got pissed off because u told his wife understand.It is yet another sign that he flat never intended to make u his second wife.Anyone can say I love u it cost nothing and is free to say but not everyone can prove in their actions that they love u because that takes time and actions are not always free.
    I really do believe that G.D has something in store for u right around the corner.Just hang in there and don’t let yourself crash and burn so to speak.I know it is tough right now but keep hanging in there.

  • anabellah

    August 23, 2015

    @Gail,

    About mixing up with his family, I get your point. You don’t want to be around people who you don’t share their views or you know they backbite you as soon as you leave the room, or helped plot against you, or worse yet tried to poison you. You stay away from it. I’m the same way. I do the same with my own family. I won’t go against my principles to please someone else. He needs to accept that you and he differ sometimes and he has to accept it, the same as you have to go along with his in-laws living with you.

    It would probably be nice, if you sit with his mom and dad more, since they are in the house with you. Their days are numbered on this earth as are all of ours. But their time may be up sooner than your and your hubz’s. Your MIL must get lonely sometimes not being able to speak English. If it will keep some peace between you and your hubz, give him that. It can’t hurt you. It takes nothing from you other than some minutes of your time.

  • anabellah

    August 23, 2015

    @Sara,

    You want his wife to accept polygamy so that you could be a wife to him. You said you don’t know why she is willing to hurt you by preventing you from being with her husband as his wife. You are thinking of it from a selfish point of view and she is, as well. She wants her husband all to herself and you want him, as well. Therefore you are willing to share him. Both of you want what you want. It’s all about self.

    Her husband dances to her beat. She doesn’t want to accept polygamy. She won’t go for her husband being with another, so she threatens him with divorce. He loves her and is fearful of losing her. So, he sneaks around to be with other women rather than hurt her or lose her.

    He said to you, if you love someone, you don’t want to see them hurt. What does it say to you? He apparently loves her because he has abandoned you. He doesn’t want to see her hurt You are hurting, but he doesn’t rightly care, as he hasn’t said he’d leave her or take you as a wife along with her. He left you out in the cold. It is a sign for you. The fact that you ran into him yesterday is no sign of anything, other than he got a chance to update you on what’s happening with you, his wife and him. He made it clear to you.

    I don’t think it would do any good for you to send her to this blog. She knows what polygamy is and she doesn’t want any parts of it. She doesn’t have a need to accept polygamy as long as her husband does as she says. She doesn’t fear Allah enough to accept polygamy. She doesn’t fear losing her husband, if she doesn’t accept polygamy, either. Therefore, she has absolutely no reason to accept polygamy.

    You keep saying she is wrong not to recognize all that you’ve done for her and her family. It is where people get it twisted. When someone does something for another, they shouldn’t expect anything from the person. They should expect their reward or benefit to come from Allah. Now, if you were doing trade or business, you’d expect payment. It’s a verbal or written contract. That women doesn’t rightly care what you’ve done for her and her family in the past other than you betrayed her for five years and slept with her husband. It’s what she sees that you’ve done for them. She may think you did all you did so you could be close to her husband.

    I have a feeling that you want him back and are hopeful he will come to you and ask you to be his wife, or perhaps you’d resume the relationship the way it was, or he’d leave his wife to be with you. As long as you hold onto any of those thoughts, it will prevent your chances of moving forward in your life and find any kind of happiness.

  • anabellah

    August 23, 2015

    @Sara,

    You asked why don’t Muslims just accept Christianity, if they don’t believe in the polygamy part of Islam. The Muslims may not believe in the polygamy part, but they believe in other parts of Islam. They believe in the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), which no other religion believe in. It’s the same with Christianity, there are people who say they are Christians, but still fornicate and commit adultery. Many people pick and choose what they want to follow of a particular religion.

    Allah, in the Quran, warns Muslim against doing it. To enter Jannah/Paradise, Muslims must accept the entire Quran. It’s why some women may not in the beginning like polygamy, but get on board with it when presented with it in their lives. They do so because they fear Allah and His wrath, if they don’t. Others just don’t want to lose their husbands so they go with polygamy all the while rejecting it in their minds and hearts and they suffer indefinitely for it both in this world and the Hereafter.

  • Gail

    August 23, 2015

    Ana,

    My MIL doesn’t speak any english and my father inlaw he does speak english but it is limited.
    Yes my husband wants me to chat with his family.Look when I am in Pakistan I do not mix with his family.I made him put me in a different home and that is where I stayed.I never went to his parents home or chatted with his siblings I stayed away from them as much as I could.
    He says it looks bad well that is all fine but it looks bad to me what they did as well.I don’t know it is a serious problem that I am not sure how to handle to be frank.I don’t even mean to be rude about it I just really don’t want to mix up with that family now or ever.I am the type of person once I had enough I had enough.I wash my hands and walk away.My husband was dang lucky we had the kids between us or I would have walked from him yrs ago and that is the truth of it.

  • Sara

    August 23, 2015

    I forgot, Gail, was it some sort of sign i saw him yesterday? ?

  • Sara

    August 23, 2015

    Ana and Gail,

    First Gail.
    Your postt was comical i got a good laugh as well. You will do fine. I understand that in-laws can be rough. I finally come senses and accept them, try to look at something good they do, its still hard. Things are definitely easier said than done.

    For both,

    So i saw the guy yesterday while out in public. He totally blames me for it all and says she has papers ready to send me to cour if she catches him or myself around him. I told him, look all i wanted was to be your second and you couldn’t do that. He responded saying if you love someone you dont see them hurt. Well theres always three sides to every story, their side your side and the truth. My feeling is hes waiting on his family issues to blow over, before he goes out and plays again. If she even for one second appreciated anything i did in her so called home, and Gail she despises her in laws as well, why would she want to hurt me, knowing that her religion allows him to take on a second third fourth. I’ll admit and not going into detail the way I confronted her was a little wrong but at least i come out with the lie he was living. I dont want to be his lie when i can be his second according to the laws. So, if theae Muslims dont wamt to follow some of these teachings maybe they should go woth Chrristianity where it doesn’t allow you to marry more than one. I dont know maybe im lost. I wiah i could somehow forward this blog to his wife, but what are my chances she wont read over it. So, ita time to start moving on, i believe what will happene is once i move on he will come back and say she accepts you. One things for sure, they have come here to profit for the money such that their familiea back home will live well. I see greed in many of these families and thats the cultural part how they were brought up.

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    @okay, Gail I got my big ole belly laugh in from your writing LOL I could see your poor hubz now out in the str. Screaming like a baby.

    I know your in-laws live with you and him the majority of the time; I thought you were talking about him wanting you to mix up with the relatives when in Pakistan. I just assumed you sit with them in your home. They speak English? I think it’s Mari2′ s mother-in-law who doesn’t. Right? I ,too hope Mari2 is okay.

    You made me laugh when you said you’d be on a plane behind him, if he took off with the kids.

  • Gail

    August 22, 2015

    Ana And Spirited,

    My inlaws do not live in Pakistan they live with my husband and I here in USA feb through Nov of every year.My MIL is leaving this year in Sept 3 but that is because my brother inlaws wife will be coming from Canada so she is going back early otherwise she is with us .My FIL will be staying until I figure oct or Nov.
    Yeah I get a break every year but it is only like a 3 months and I sick of it.
    Here is the thing they drive me crazy because the butt in with the kids and I don’t like that at all.Not to mention they eat me out of house and home and NEVER offer to pay anything not a bill not even for a piece of chicken.They pay for EID dinner and that is it to be frank.
    I let it go on for so long because my husband would say next year he would fix them a place.Well next year never came.I start figuring it it is never going to come and I flat spoke up about it and thats when he got nasty with me.
    If they lived in Pakistan it would not be a problem as u say I just would refuse to go back and problem solved but thats not the case.
    I also understand that people don’t anyone talking negative about their families even if it might be true and I don’t.I do when I get angry and we r fighting.
    Here is the thing though he wants me to go sit and hob knob with his parents and siblings and just forgive and forget but they would not dare extend the same to my excowife and for some reason that just infuriates me.
    Now don’t get me wrong she is not my favorite persona in the world but I don’t get all the hostility either towards her.
    Honestly I have always considered myself a peace maker but with these people it seems impossible.I am not one to sit and make idle chit chat with people that I don’t trust.It just seems Absurd to me on so many levels.
    Like really I can’t stand his family yet I would marry my kids there that is just insane after what those people did.
    As far as passports I have my kids passports and NICOP card for my little one.Even if he was bold enough to take them I know where everyone live in Pakistan don’t forget I lived in Pakistan off an on the last 12 yrs so I would be a plane behind them.Strangely I am not fearful of Pakistan at all.It feel as much as home to me as USA does to be frank.Everyone says oh don’t piss your husband off etc while in Paki or he will beat u or worse.I tell u the truth I have slapped him right in the face and punched him and kicked him out for the home and locked the door so he could not get in for days.He stood in the street screaming like a baby and looking like an idiot to all the neighbors because I would not open the door for him.
    I tell u when I have had it I have had it and I don’t care if it is USA or Pakistan I am like a volcano when I erupt all hell is going to break loose.
    All that aside I am really very mild mannered for the most part.I know people need to be treated with respect and i do cook for them and deal them as best I can but since I got Cancer and I am having all these female and gallbladder problems not to mention my sinus issues with my inner ears always closing up it is just to much.I need peace in my home and my husband could careless I feel.

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    @Sara,

    Sara, don’t think that the Indian guy told his wife that you were a “whore”. Don’t think that way. She may think it because it makes her feel better, but don’t you think it. You made a huge mistake. We’ve all made some mistakes in our lives, some huge ones too. Don’t think you’re alone in any of it. There is not a perfect person on this planet. Some people may want to come across as sinless, but they aren’t. I’ve had my share of sins. I still commit them and will till the end of time. I try not to intentionally commit them. Allah says a Believer is one who repents. It lets me know that a Believer will sin like everyone else. Allah says He forgives again and again and again. He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

    I’m just grateful that the most serious sins that I’ve committed happened before I took the Shahadah (vow to become Muslim). Once a person takes the vow, Allah forgives ALL of a person’s sins that he or she committed before that time. Unfortunately, not many people realize the serious promise he or she has made to Allah and that they will be accountable for having broken the covenant, if they do. Allah’s punishment is serve. It’s not a promise that anyone should take lightly.

    Anyhow, I say all of it, to say, don’t beat up on yourself. As long as you know you have done wrong, make your sincere intent not to repeat the behavior. Don’t care what she or he says about you.

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    @Sara,

    You made an excellent point when you said, ” If these muslim men and women in today’s society would really accept their teachings i think more women would live in peace.” Sadly, there is no unity in Islam, as not many Muslims obey Allah. They say they are Muslims but they reject faith. They are equally unbelievers.

    Most Muslim have broken the religion up in sects, which Allah says don’t do. They don’t accept all of Allah’s prophets mentioned in the Holy Quran. Most of the men have gone back to the way of life before the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received the revelation. They have gone back to pre-Islamic times when women were treated as chattel and oppressed. Islam raised the woman’s status. When the Prophet Muhammad left the earth, many Muslims turned their backs on Islam. They began to follow desires and lust again and the old ways. Only those who stayed with the revelation the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) gave us (the Holy Quran) find peace and tranquility in their lives.

    The very people such as Imams and Scholars who should teach Muslims, aren’t teaching the truth. It’s a reason not many Muslim men marry widows, divorcees and older women. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) did, but they don’t follow his way. He is one of our examples along with all of Allah’s other prophets. Now, we’re stuck with most of the men only wanting very young girls. The old men want to get with a child instead of letting her be with a boy her age who she could enjoy life and learn life with. It’s a sad state of affairs.

  • Sara

    August 22, 2015

    Spirited

    You know, im a divorced Christian female, was in that relationship with a married Indian Muslim for a little over 5 years. Its not only muslims that have hard times finding men to marry them. I guess women with extra baggage demoralises their standards. What happened to the men that were like prophet Muhammad pbuh? He took in women that were widows and divorced. If these muslim men and women in today’s society would really accept their teachings i think more women would live in peace. Granted i ever had the chance to meet a muslim man again i think i could handle polygamy as long as she had a stable job. At the end of rhe day what woman wants to sleep with a man and be considered a whore. After leaving that guy i know that’s what he probably tells his wife. May we one day live in peace and harmony. Who doesn’t want to feel loved? Allah doesn’t want us to be selfish.

  • Spirited

    August 22, 2015

    @Ana,

    Yes, that first so-called marriage was during school (yeah, this nonsense was going for yeeeeeaaars). We had gone over winter break for my mom to check & meet with some of the prospective men that some family members had spoken to and to have me being seen for approval by all these people. My mom and family decided this one guy was perfect, and everyone decided to have a nikah (but no ceremonies or consummation), then 2 weeks were up pretty quickly and we came back. Almost right away, even only speaking on the phone with me, he was overbearing, dictating how I WILL do this-or-that, and at the same time, insulted me to my parents (saying I was mentally retarded because I refused to engage in phone sex & webcam nudity with him because I didn’t even know him so excuse me for not jumping at the chance) and he also insulted my parents, lol.

    So, we filed for a divorce and that was that. It SHOULD have been an annullment, but live and learn I suppose. My current in-laws didn’t care about me being divorced and neither did my husband. If things fall through and I have to be divorced again, who knows, maybe there will be another family like that who don’t care about labels? Could be. I have been definitely thinking about it.

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    @Spirited,

    Okay, I’m back over here now.

    @Spirited,

    Wow, that was an excellent point you made about the children’s Passports. It didn’t come to mind. You’d think I would have thought of it, as I’ve dealt with Parental Abduction cases when I was working. She sure better have those documents secure.

    Were you married before? You said it would be your time second divorcee. When did that happen?

  • Spirited

    August 22, 2015

    @Ana,

    lol oh now I see your comment..

    Yeah, they say they are keeping an eye out. I don’t expect anything of it. If I was to divorce, I would be a 2x divorcee. Gail knows how it is, that means you’re practically a leper in Pakistan, no one will touch you with a 12-foot pole. PLUS, to top it off, I am considered “old”, I have a fertility disorder and the side effects of this particular disorder: thinning hair (as if I was in my 80s, my scalp can be seen) and problem with hair on my face (not to the point of having to shave, thank Allah).

    Realistically speaking, that wonderful combination will guarantee that only jerks looking for a ticket out of Pakistan would consider the offer of marriage to me at this point. OF COURSE, Allah could have someone decent come my way, but again, I prayed sincerely for months, if not years, that He pick who was “best for me” to be my husband. It’s not a perfect life, it is not supposed to be, but as I said, he doesn’t insult me, NEVER. He acts as if he is blind to my physical faults. He encourages me in my endeavors, while others say “she’ll never be able to do it” (parents, brother). It’s worth something to me, even if he has his own faults in his actions.

    I guess I answered to Gail already, lol. That’s what I thought of. I wouldn’t be comfortable suggesting other things without knowing her husband. One thing to keep in mind is that Gail should make sure she has her childrens’ passports and travel documents with herself, or put away somewhere safe. It is not unheard of for one parent to take their children to their home country without the other parent knowing. Gail would know best if that is something she needs to be watchful for.

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    @Spirited,

    I really like your answer to Gail a lot. Thank you!!!

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    @Spirited,

    I’m sorry I confused you. I put the question over here because Gail was speaking over here about her children and her husband wanting to marry them to his brother. I think I now have the comments over on the correct threads.

  • Spirited

    August 22, 2015

    @Ana,

    heeellooo 😀

    I’m a little confused. There was something that I needed to see?

    @Gail, the only thing I could add about what you asked is that no Pakistani guy likes his wife not engaging with his parents/family. You probably know that pretty well, lol. They are in Pakistan, right? You could just avoid the situation entirely by not going, I suppose. Or is that not an option?

    I’m sorry to hear that your husband is so rude. Maybe some Pakistanis just do that. My own father has yelled at my mom to get out of the house and never come back plenty of times, but she’s still here. In the end, he doesn’t really mean it, it seems like throwing insults and threats around is just something some of them do.

    Another thing I thought of, regarding your daughter (and other childrens’) possibility of being married in your in-laws, what if the children themselves said they didn’t want to marry there? There is no compulsion in Islam. Your husband has no right to force them to do so. They could just say they aren’t interested because they see cousins the same as siblings. For that matter, he really should be considering their thoughts on the matter. For me, I was fine with an arranged marriage, even had it been in the family, I would have gone along with it (except that wasn’t a consideration since my family doesn’t do cousin marriages, lol).

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    This is getting confusing for me with the two different threads.

    Dear Spirited,

    You said your parents are on the look out for another man for you to marry, since your current marriage isn’t the greatest. I see that it is the culture.

    What do you have to say about Gail’s husband wanting to marry their children to his brother’s children? Isn’t there any recourse for Gail to prevent it, God willing? How do you see this panning out? How influential is her husband in getting it done? You know the culture. You are the culture in a sense. It’s why I ask.

  • Sara

    August 22, 2015

    Ana and Gail,

    Reason i ask about hindu is because his mom was hindu and turned muslim in order to stay married to his father. Im learning more about this guy the more i read and ask questions. Once he got to america he got influenced by americans sobhe had rthree different people he was trying to be like. Its scary thinking i could have been woth him for 5 10 15 20 more years had i not did what i did. Id rather hurt than feel nothing at all. Yes, i was just an innocent little girl looking for someone to love me back when i first met him, he saw through that and used it as a crutch. I wish no soul goes to hell, so i pray he learns his lesson and doesn’t victimize another innocent american. No person deserves love in that way. I know i dont want my son treating women like that. He will be 8 this friday, and hes getting older and seesalot. Your kids really do follow what their parents do most of the time. I hope one day i will meet a true believer of islam, right now ive met muslims who use people to get their way. I had to take a nap and meditate on everything yall have been saying. Lol, a diamond necklace that he gave me, its a very lucky things for me, i wear it proud i feel as though with it on im getting all the answers i needed 5 years ago.. gail i hope your husband can sort out his issues and be more humble. You are so strong! If we had more gails and anas the world be filled with more love!

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    @Gail,

    What comes to mind about you mixing up with his family is not to put it in his face that you strongly dislike them, and think they are worthless pieces of sh!t. If he felt that way about his own family, then it would be okay for you to chime in, as he may feel you are supportive of him in his feelings. It could go the other way, as well. Some people think it’s okay for them to speak badly about someone they love or their family, but when someone else agrees and starts voicing the say thing, they take offense. They think it’s okay for them to do it, but not someone else.

    Your husband knows how you feel about those people so, to keep the peace, don’t speak on it any further, if possible. Maybe he thinks that by you voicing your thoughts (probably in front of the children) you are turning the children against him and his family.

    I don’t blame you for not wanting to sit with his family in Pakistan and shoot the breeze with them. I don’t do it with my own family. It’s not cool when I sit with them and have to tolerate their useless dialog. It’s goes against Islam to sit around and engage in useless vain talk, as well.

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    @Sara,

    About his wife being in a bad situation, as she will always wonder if he’s cheating on her, she is probably used to it by now. It’s what her life has become with him. She is highly unlikely to get a divorce, based on how divorce is viewed in that culture. It appears she’s in the marriage for the long haul.

    From what I’ve learned, there is no difference between how Pakistan and India men view women. They all have the same thoughts about women and their value or worth. Americans get themselves in a bind with those men, as they only see the men as being foreigners. They think they will be in a relationship with the man and nothing will be different except the way they look and their language. They aren’t at all aware of the cultural difference that are embedded in those men until they are in the relation way over their heads. The women then realize they’ve got problems.

    You mentioned how the Indian and Pakistani men think American women are easy. It’s okay for them to think that. If they think it, however, they should leave the women alone. Don’t take advantage of them as something to use. It’s wrong.

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    @Sara,

    The same as Gail, I’ve heard the saying about setting someone free. I don’t put credence in the saying either. It sounds nice, but that’s about it.

    You are in a lot of pain right now, and probably are having mixed feelings about the guy. On one hand you think it’s over between you and him. On the other hand, you think he will eventually come back to you and the two of you would be able to work things out between you. It could be one reason you are thinking about reading the Quran. I don’t think that if you read the Quran you may have a better chance of having a marriage with him, if it was what you were thinking. I think this because he doesn’t appear to be a religious man. If he were, he’d wouldn’t have hooked up with you without you two being married. I don’t think he is driven by religion. He may one day wake up, smell the coffee and get himself together. Only Allah know if he will or not.

    It’s good that you read the Quran, if you have a sincere interest in becoming Muslim. To become Muslim because you believe in what is in the Quran and you want to live it, regardless of whether you are with him or not is a good thing. To read it for any other reason is okay, but your won’t reap the benefits and rewards that are promised in it. I know this because Allah, in the Holy Quran, lets us know that he places a veil between the reader of the Quran so the person won’t understand it, if the person is reading it without sincerity. Therefore, you need to be honest with yourself about the intent you have for thinking of reading the Quran.

  • Gail

    August 22, 2015

    Sara,

    I want to be clear with u that not every India or Pakistani man is weird and twisted but believe me there are more weird and twisted ones than normal ones.It would be like playing russian roulette if u were to pick one to marry in my opinion.It would be like all the barrels are loaded but one max 2.Very bad odds if u ask me.

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    @Gail,

    I know just how frustrated you are about your situation and confused about what to do about the marriage, as there aren’t many options – just two :-(. When you said he told you today that he can’t stand you, a light bulb came on in my head. You said, he in the past, occasionally had said the same thing (he can’t stand you). About what I’m about to say, you already know – right now, he really can’t stand you because you’re messing with something that is of interest to him – right now – and very important to him. It’s getting the children married to his brother’s children. Your daughter just turned 12 yesterday and has gotten her menses. She is ripe picking. In his mind, it’s time to plans for her to wed. It’s why he’s really hating on you right now, as he knows you won’t stand for it. He thinks he’d have a chance convincing the children even if you weren’t on board, but he knows now you have schooled the children not to go for that way of life. You want them to grow up and marry a person they’d like to marry, which is the American way.

    I could see had he and you been raising the children in that culture from day one, but it wasn’t the case. He let you do what you wanted with those children all these years. He saw you teaching them about the different religions with an emphasis on Judaism. They were living some of Judaism right under his nose with him being a part of it. Now, suddenly it’s time for him to start putting his plans in motion with his family and you’re standing in the way. What makes him think you’d suddenly go along with his program now??? It’s the craziest thing to me. Yet, I think in his head he thought you’d follow his lead now cuz it’s time.

    I’d imagine he’s getting pressure from his parents and his brother to go ahead and make that move with the children, as far as the planning goes. It’s why he really can’t stand you right about now. He probably feels there is an urgency for you to get on board with the way of life they want for the children. He didn’t care what you did with the children in the past and just let you have your way as he was biding time. I can only say, I think you’re going to have a fight on your hands with regard to the matter and it’s going to get quite ugly.

  • Gail

    August 22, 2015

    Sara,

    OK Hindu religion is very sexual and they even have sex temples and I know alot of Hindu men and yes they r horrible.They r into all kinds of sick and twisted sex acts.One man is into young girls and he works with the UN and bomb stuff is a police officer in india.He has the morals of an alley cat. His best friend whom I also know married a woman from Ukraine and he talked her into having threesome sex for money.He is an Architect and a business owner.Another Architect I know he is Christian and married to a Hindu woman and they have 3 kids and he is all the time looking for sex outside his marriage.
    These r educated men that I have known for yrs and I know this because I have gone online to investigate men from Pakistan and India to understand my husbands culture.
    What I have pretty much figured out is men and woman are kept separate and the girls have in their brain not to let any boy near to them so it sticks with them it seems then the boys since they don’t have girls around to flirt or have sex with they grow up having gay sex and that sticks with them.SO when they r adults u have all these bisexual asian men that cheat around on their wives and the wives are stuck because they have been brought up to live as servants.They don’t like their husbands cheating and when it happens they stop it buttt they don’t want to divorce because well they could be killed and family relations etc…
    Lord it is just to much to go into but u get the point.
    Those societies are really screwed up if u ask me and I would never agree to marry again into Pakistani culture or India.They r just to twisted.
    Look up India sex temples and Bacha Bazi boys in Pakistan.Really if u don’t know about all this u will be shocked just youtube it and then u will start to understand.

  • Gail

    August 22, 2015

    Ana,
    I don’t know how to handle this marriage anymore.I am at such a loss.My husband flat told me that he can’t stand me.Here is the thing he wants kids raised according to his culture I DONT.HE wants me to sit and shoot the bull with his family like nothing has ever happened I CANT.
    Normally I would pray and ask G>D to help me but I have no desire in this case to do so.I feel these people r not morally correct and I do not trust on them.Oh for all intense purposes they r nice enough with me and Spirited might even say if she were with them that they treat me awesome as far as inlaws go but the truth is I don’t have any love or devotion in my heart for them.My husband says I am like that with everyone and it is true I have always been the type of a person if someone did something nasty with me I just walked away because I feel like i don’t need that person that has wronged me.
    I know 100% I will never want to mix up with his family or even talk to them to be frank.I don’t like them and I don’t have any desire to deal them.Now this is a huge life problem for my husband because he says he cant stand me because I will not do this and what is he suppose to tell his family that I will not sit with them because I don’t like them?I see his point but I have no emotion on that topic to where it makes me want to reach out and change.
    I feel sorry for them that they have no logical sense that they can not fix family problems.They no longer talk with any family including excowife and her family as well.SO why it is such a huge deal I talk with his family and sit with them when they r doing same Sh!t.Now granted I don’t want to divorce but at the same time I don’t want to give into him on every single dang topic when he will not even meet me half way on things and plus he can’t even stand me so what is use to even bother is my thinking.
    I already knew he could not stand me as he has told me alot of times so I think I am just like Screw u dude just work and support your kids and leave me out of your drama is how I feel but he will not accept to leave crap alone.He keeps stirring the pot.I even told him today marry someone else and he said why I marry some other B@tch she is going to have her own agenda.It is like he is driving me mad with all this crap.

  • Sara

    August 22, 2015

    Gail,
    it kind of helps me when i read what you write back. Hey,i might be hurting now, but his wife will always live in fear of whether hes cheating or not. Once, i heal i wont have the worries! I just keep on going through flashbacks and seeing him every where i go. Life really is a movie. You are vety strong to deal with the husband you are with! I might not could be that strong. I know this is off topic but are the hindu men just as bad as the Muslim men?

  • Gail

    August 22, 2015

    Sara,

    Music therapy is the best and congrats on wanting to read the Quran I think that is a Great Idea!Music therapy is awesome and can keep u relaxed.I know it sure helps me.
    As far as these Asian men treating foreign woman as loose and using them and wanting to educate woman I am with u on that one 100%. My husband and I argue on this topic all the time.He says all these white woman come up to him and tell him Asian men are hard workers and they want to find an asian man.I think yeah right these woman don’t have a clue because they are looking a better life and the Asian man is just looking for either a mistress type situation or if they do marry they want complete control over the wife.
    I myself am perplexed because my husband is so nasty with me at times that it is mind blowing to me.He flat told me today he could not stand me and that I am raising the kids all wrong and turning the kids from his culture and that he can’t stand me because when we go to Pakistan I will not go sit with his family and chat with them because to be frank I can’t stand them myself because of the past.
    As far as letting something go and it coming back or not I know the saying but I don’t believe on it.I think if something didn’t work out the first time around just move on and get on with your life.I had a chance with my first love to leave this marriage i am in and I did not because I thought about the past and how although I loved him with all my heart I could not trust him because he has slept with so many women and had a cheater mentality I felt.I am in my 44 and he is 45 and u would think men would outgrow that crap but they don’t.I felt i had no business being with that man because he really is so very different than me.
    U r fresh out of this relationship so your emotions are still fresh and raw but I am telling u that u deserve so much better from a man.I think in time u will reflect what he did and see that he is a selfish person.I don’t think selfish people esp men just up and change.Even if u got back with him he is still going to be selfish and if he cheated on u then how would u deal that because i am seeing he has no fear to cheat on his wife or wives.Gosh look at Josh Dugger I am sure Anna is an Angel to him but it didn’t save her from him cheating on her.
    Only time will tell if u r able to move on or if he will come sniffing back around u.I figure he is staying low right now because of his wife and family pressure but as soon as she is busy looking the other way he will come sniffing back around u and want to kick it up with u.I would advice u DON”T DO IT unless u want to keep hurting.If u r dead set u would like to marry him then u must hold out for a ring or make him walk away from u.My gut says he will walk away from u as he just has no interest in taking a second wife or he would have done so with u years ago.He could also divorce his wife and marry u but he also has no intentions on doing that either obviously.I guess I am saying for your sake it looks like u need to emotionally let him go and move on so u can accept a good man into your life when he comes along.
    I hate to say that to u knowing u r hurting but thats the reality of the situation as I see it.

  • Sara

    August 22, 2015

    Spirited, Ana, and Gail,

    Thank you all for having me join. Do yall believe the saying that if you love something let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be? Im finding music therapy is helping me out alot. I do plan on reading the Quran. It wouldalso be nice to speak on this issue to young people especially the American women that these men want to control. I dont like how they view us as easy.

  • Gail

    August 22, 2015

    Where is Mari2 I am worried about her she has not come online to let us know what is going on in her life.Her husband was suppose to leave on the 20th i think.I hope she checks in soon .

  • Gail

    August 22, 2015

    Sara,

    I am also seeing a huge difference in u.I honestly think u r going to find a really decent guy eventually.At least now u know what to look for in a man and how to spot a frog verses a prince a mile away now so I think it is going to be much smoother sailing for u because u have mentally connected the dots and understand what u need and have to have from a relationship.
    Also I want to say i really have a feeling that G.D is going to bless u with a decent husband.I don’t think u just happened upon the blog by chance.I really believe G.D led u here to us because in all seriousness we do get hard on alot of woman that come on the blog and they normally get angry with us and leave.The fact that u didn’t leave speaks volumes about your character and that u really are a good person that got caught up in a bad situation.
    I want to tell u that u can have your hearts desires but u can only obtain that through using your moral compass to navigate u.
    as long as u focus on the facts of any given thing and see the facts I believe u will go a very long way in keeping your morals in tact.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    @Sara,

    Your last post was so beautiful. It sounds you’ve done a lot of reflecting and you’re on your way to moving forward. Praise be to God. I’m so happy for you. Your post was very touching. I think you’re going to be okay.

    I actually had considered writing a book for a while, but I’m not all so sure now. For one thing, I lost my story from the older version of the blog. It got wiped out of my computer and the server for the hosting company of the blog. I take it as a sign for me to leave the past there. We were trying to get Gail to write a book, but she’s doing good with the contributions here on the Pakistani topic. She has been a wealth of information, and of so much help to many people.

    Sara, I’d love to read a book about your journey. It’s much easier to write books now-a-day and get them published as e-books etc. It’s something you should probably look into.

  • Sara

    August 21, 2015

    Ana,

    Your exactly right, they want to live the American Dream, i consider myself lucky i got to be apart of his. During my journey of the Muslim Dream i learned independence. Love yourself first then love will find you. I look around at all the things i have goten over the past five years of my life, and i have soooo much to be thankful for because i had the strong will determination to work for it. At least he and i didnt have children involved, whew. Ill always love him his wife and his parents and pray they will be more humble minded. I do not see myself allowing my heart to be open to anyone. My body has been broken and it has to heal. I dont mind going out for coffee with people guys in general but the only thing on their mind is a free piece of tail. So i guess ill stay home and have my coffee with you guys instead while reading all the inspirational stories. Ana have you tried to write a book? I would love to write one about my journey.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    @Spirited,

    Oh, okay, I see. Yeap, I think it’s becoming common with foreign Muslim men who come to the States that they fornicate or commit adultery. They come here looking for the American dream, and want to fit in. You know the saying, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do”. They didn’t come to the States for religion.

    As for the Muslim men who were in the States already, they got the play out of their system before they converted or soon after. They wanted religion (Islam) at that point. The ones who wanted to or had a need to continue to play, just took on more than one wife.

  • Spirited

    August 21, 2015

    Hey gang,

    @Ana, oh I meant to use that overheard conversation as an example. Its also similar to what Sara went through — that muslim guy just used her without marrying her. I’m sure there are many more incidents of this happening in the Muslim community (as for in the non-muslim community, its almost the norm, so no one bats an eye at it much anymore).

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    @Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    When it comes to listening to discussions or having conversations such as what you overheard, I see it as a waste of time. To be a part of it by listening to it is subjecting oneself to what the deaf, dumb, and blind says and they have no clue about how life works. They don’t know the meaning of life. It serves no purpose to listen to the ignorant. The conversation that you overheard simply boils down to the man wanting to satisfy his lustful desires with whomever he wants, whenever he wants, and not be tied down in marriage. She wanted a husband. Allah gave us the Truth and the meaning of life, which they don’t have. It’s futile to entertain those types of discussions about what they think cuz they don’t think right. This planet is the Unbeliever’s Paradise. Allah says the seeing and the blind are not a like. Why try to see what they see when they can’t.

  • Spirited

    August 21, 2015

    @Sara, your journey has been an interesting one to follow. But you see now that not many people behave as they should. That’s why, especially in regards to Islam after all the “terrorist shaming,” it is said to look at the teachings, not what the people in the religion are doing. You can’t judge an entire religion by what some shameless idiots who don’t even know what their own religion states are doing. Same for the guy you were involved with. He seems to be one of those “muslim-in-name-only” types. He says he’s a muslim, but he doesn’t come near to behaving like one. Better to have learned a lesson than keep being fooled, so I think it’s good you got yourself out of that situation in the end

    @Ana, something related to what you were talking about, I overheard a small bit of conversation a day or two ago (they were prettttty loud). A woman was arguing with her boyfriend about marriage. The guy was insisting that marriage is just slavery for a man. The woman said it shows dedication and love and he was shaking his head ‘no’ at everything she said, saying it shows more love to have a choice to spend the night with the same woman without being forced into it by marriage, and such sort of things. He was basically acting like marriage is old-time BS and it doesn’t have a place in the world today. Its probably not the only “couple” who has had this conversation. I think its becoming more prevalent as time goes on. Probably partly because of the “why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?” mentality, partly a general decrease in morality in people (as I see it) and partly many other social things going on (moreso in the western countries). Its pretty sad overall.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    @Sara,

    Some time ago, Gail was telling us the same thing that you mentioned. She said the Bible states one should stay with one’s own religion, and don’t mix up marrying into another faith. I think the Jewish commentator who was here said the same about Judaism. I think all religions have the same teaching. Well, it would make sense since Christianity and Judaism Original Books (Torah and the Gospel) were the same as the teachings in the Quran. Allah protected the Quran from corruption. The other Books had been changed from the original.

    It’s only some Muslims who are ERRONEOUSLY leading people to believe Muslim men may marry any woman he wants if the woman is a Christian or Jew. But what else is new with the many Muslim men who oppress women today? The went back to living the way people lived Pre-Islamic times.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    @Sara,

    You should be thankful to God that the guy didn’t harm you for threatening to tell his wife about you and him. There was a case years ago in the immediate area where I live of a murder involving a young lady. She was having an affair with a married man. She wanted him to leave his wife. She threatened that if he didn’t, she would tell his wife about them. Well, a Missing Person alert was put out when she didn’t show up for work one day. We eventually found her body in a landfill. The guy was so intent on his wife not finding out about the affair, he felt a need to kill the girl. She was a very pretty, sophisticated girl with a nice job.

  • Sara

    August 21, 2015

    Gail,

    I wanted him and her to accept me as a polygamy but i guess she didnt want to accept that. He should have been more open and honest to both of our feelings. Two women loved him and he knew it was okay to practice it. I didnt in no way want to live with them as i pay my own bills in my home and not out here by prostitution. At the end of the day o wanted to feel loved by him and giving sex is not making you feel that special love, i wanted him to just sit and relax with me for a little while notdaily but every so often. Work life got in the way so i just got fed up with all excuses and told him if things camt change then ill confess. EvEvidently he wanted it confessed otherwise he would have tried harder.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    @Sara,

    You are probably right. The guy you were seeing probably was influenced by everything that he is surrounded by. I mean, look at what is shown on TV – everyone has sex with anyone. Everyone knows that it’s common place for people in America to have sex any time they want, with whomever they want. If they are married, they need only not to get caught by their spouses. If they get caught, nothing happens other than a nasty confrontation and most likely a divorce.

    What you speak of is the way it is suppose to be. Men are supposed to be the maintainer and protector of women. The man whom you was with did neither. With regard to debt, a person is supposed to make it easy for another to repay it or forgive the debt. People are supposed to do things seeking the good pleasure of God, knowing God will reward the person manifold.The person shouldn’t look for anything from anyone, but know that Allah will deliver. God is Allah. Allah is the Arabic name for God. There is only one God who is Allah.

    The guy did take advantage of you. Maybe he did repent and ask Allah to forgive him. Maybe he didn’t. Only he and Allah really know. He seems to have some serious issues, if as you said he chased women, had girlfriends and affairs besides you or in the past. Adultery is a heinous sin. It’s a very serious one.

  • Gail

    August 21, 2015

    Sara,

    One more thing u might have not thought about living polygamy.Women here on the blog live Polygamy different ways.Like for example I only want to live Joint polygamy meaning the wives live together in the same home and raise the children together and it is a must we get along. Ana she lives separate than her cowife and she has no contact with her and does not feel the need to get along. Then u have Ummoff4 she lives single from her cowife but gets along with and chats with her cowife I believe.There are many different ways to live Polygamy so if u ever find yourself thinking to get involved in Polygamy u need to know what kind of Polygamy situation u can deal with.Just food for thought.

  • Gail

    August 21, 2015

    Sara,

    Girl u r so funny!! Don’t worry about him.Actually the majority of the men are inclined to have sexual encounters.They are wired that way but the prob;em is they r suppose to do it within marriage.It is fine that men are made to want sex to spread their seed I get it logically speaking but G.D created marriage for that and not all me feel the need to sleep with alot of woman and others do and that is why it is ok to have one marriage or several but and here is the crazy part most wives will say they would rather have a cheating husband than a cowife because of the financial aspect they would have to share the husbands fiances which most woman don’t want.
    Look at Josh Dugger he is all over the internet how he claimed to be a religious person and now it comes out he has cheated on his wife on top of molesting his sisters.Leave the sexual molestation alone that is a mess in itself but would it not be easier for them to practice Polygamy than for him to go cheating around and now be thought of as a complete fool.Although I will say Josh Dugger seems to have more issues going on mentally.I hope Ana watches her children around him esp,, her daughters because if he could molest his sisters then for sure he could molest his daughter and I pray she watches her babies or gets out of that mess.
    I mention the Duggers because they live in the same area as I do.
    My point is Don’t worry about the crazy men out there just focus on finding u a good man.Also u should think if u want to become more religious yourself and what your actual belief system is.Like do u truly embrace Polygamy as a lifestyle.Would u raise your own son to also have the option of polygamy and embrace that and other morals.
    I am raising my children that Polygamy is an option but they must do it correctly if they desire to do it and that if they do desire to do it they will have to figure out what kind of lifestyle they desire to live like joint or separate because I am raising them to live joint lifestyle.
    U r new here to the blog so all this might be a bit mind blowing to u.Also don’t think because u embrace this that others will.The majority of woman would rather seek divorce than embrace polygamy and for the life of me I just don’t get that.Unless the man is treating u horrible or abusing u why leave.

  • Sara

    August 21, 2015

    The bible does read, stay within your own yolk, means stay with your own religion. Thanks Gail!!! Everyone slap me on my face if I make the same mistake twice.

  • Sara

    August 21, 2015

    So really the whole morsl is, this guy i was with was probably influenced by what he saw around him, thst where all this cheating so to say comes about. My guess id maybe somewhere in the family he saw an example of this kind of behaviour. Maybe deep down if we truly love God and can obey the teachings we all have a little Muslim in us. Its not easy with all the temptation, but i feel a true person of Islam doesnt try to make earning money their top priority. They will lean on the one above and will be proud to help a brother or sister in need and not expect them to burn their body to repay the debt. Someone that does for you from their heart expects no repayment, they know in their heart their day will come. So yes, ive been a victim of a so called muslim family in which i thought was perfect. I hope one day these real muslim men of allah will treat women in respect and do the right thing with them. No woman deserves to be used. Not the wife, nor the other woman especially the ones whom already have kids and put their faith and own family on the line to give the man all the room. For me i loved that man 110%, for him he wanted what he could get so he could be a lazy bum. I know i will pay for the sin i did but right now is my time to seek forgiveness. Im sure he will only seek the forgiveness of his family and not Allah. Not intentionally being mean, but i pray that my memory haunts him till he does get forgiveness, thats what tough love is. God is so simple, as well as allah, the moral is, “Culture makes it an influential noninspirational unhappy ending in some cases”.

    The saying goes you cant have your cake and eat it too well,

    I hope the cake he had and the cake he ate will poison him.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    @Gail,

    I didn’t get to read all the posts that have been coming in. I can only say about all children being born Muslim, your husband is correct. The parents raise them to be Muslim or something else. There is an ayah (verse) in the Quran that says it. I just don’t have it at my finger tips right now.

    I agree with you that Muslims put far too much emphasize on the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). Allah clearly in the Holy Quran tells us not to differentiate between any of the Prophets (PBUH). In the Holy Quran, Allah speaks of ALL of His Prophets. He tell us to commemorate their stories and live our lives by them. All those stories about all the Prophets throughout the entire Quran is there for a reason BUT, who reads the Quran?

    I think so much emphasize was placed on the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) by the Arabs who want to make the religion all about the Arabs. It is why they dismiss all of Allah’s other Prophets mentioned in the Holy Quran. They dismiss all the other prophets.

    I believe if Islam was taught based on what is in the Quran that was revealed to the last Prophet, the seal of the Prophets (Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)) many would want to embrace Islam, as it encompasses all the Original Books – the Torah and the Gospel included. Satan has infiltrated the religion of Islam through books other than the Quran and other teachings that are in direct conflict with what is in the Holy Quran.

  • Gail

    August 21, 2015

    Spirited,

    Yes it was crystal clear and I actually believe that as well but in a little different way I believe everyone comes from G.D but religions are just man made stories handed down through the generation as a blueprint to tell us how to live.I am not trying to make light of religions at all but I feel they r like history lessons for us.I believe G.D is everywhere and u can also see him in science as well and just by viewing nature.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    Please make sure you all are not missing any comments. I’m approving comments on my phone and they keep approving and returning to pending. Sorry

  • Spirited

    August 21, 2015

    @Gail,

    Maybe I didn’t explain it well. Muslims believe everyone on earth is born with the knowledge of one God and is God’s servant, existing to worship Him. That’s because the word “muslim” just means “one who submits to God” (more or less). And since every soul given life comes from God and has that knowledge of God innately, they are all considered “muslim.”

    As you get older, you don’t necessarily remember things from your baby years right? You can think of it the same way that the soul doesn’t necessarily remember its time before being placed into a body, so its important to follow religion to stay close to God. Islam can be though of as the final version of the same religion that mankind has had throughout all of existence — just different names over different times and sent to humanity over and over again because humanity kept adding things or changing things. So, because of parents’ teachings or a person’s own choices in life, they might no longer be submitting themselves to God (like if you convert to a different religion on your own or your parents teach you a different religion that places others equal with God or gives God a son or multiple gods/goddesses)

    Was that any clearer? Maybe I’m just too sleepy right now… lol

  • Gail

    August 21, 2015

    Spirited,

    That kinda went over my head.So they believe everyone is born Muslim at first and then go different ways?

  • Gail

    August 21, 2015

    Sara,

    I buy meat from Walmart although I hate it I live in area where there are just not any kosher or halal stores.This does bother me very much not eating Kosher and Halal so we eat beans ALOT and vegis.I have had a desire to start Homesteading for several yrs and I told my husband and daughter who is 12 her and I r going to learn to homestead(small farming) as I feel this is very important.I am going to buy several thousand dollars worth of fruit and nut trees come next spring and plant them all over my property.I have been growing herbs for a few yrs with great success so lets see my luck next yr.
    I would agree with Ana USA is a country where anything goes and people feel like they r on vacation everyday here basically.lol
    No truthfully people work and don’t have time to go search down halal meat or chop them themselves.When u live in a Muslim country everything is Halal so they grow up never worrying about it when they go to another nonmuslim country it is overwhelming so u know the old saying “When in Rome”?
    That was the most awesome thing I will say about Pakistan was the call to prayer and halal was not a problem.

  • Spirited

    August 21, 2015

    @Gail,

    Just really quick-like, as I briefly read what you wrote,
    the reason it is said that EVERYONE is born Muslim (not just children of Muslim men). This is because Islam means “submission to God” and it is believed all souls are born with this submission innately, thus automatically making them servants of the ONE God, hence, Muslim. Its through parental guidance or their own choices in life that the child may later diverge from God’s road (or stay on it).

    That’s the general idea anyways. As far as I understand it. Someone who knows better may correct whatever I got wrong

    Umm, also, no Muslim is supposed to be worshipping a prophet. That would be the same as Christians calling Prophet Jesus “God”. That’s pretty ridiculous if your husband leans towards that… I guess you can kind of see why there are fights between Shias and the rest…lol

  • Gail

    August 21, 2015

    Ana,
    I from what I have witnessed and now mind u I don’t know if this is a Islamic or cultural thing but from what I understand and this for sure applies in Pakistan is that the children belong to the father and they believe that if u r born a Muslim(the children go after the father religion) and I asked my husband if he thought this was religious or cultural and he said it is religious.So I assume these muslim men marrying nonmuslims assume any children they have are Muslims by birth.
    Now does that make logical sense?Well no it doesn’t because as u stated Mothers raise the children their own religion.My husband actually kinda whined to me once that I was teaching the kids only my religion and not his.I just looked at him like he lost his mind and told him straight I can’t teach them something I myself don’t know or am unsure of.I let him know straight up he was being absurd.
    I am not against him teaching the kids his religion but he has never made an effort.Now he claims he has not taught them Islam because he did not want him and I to fight but honestly as long as he didn’t teach them to to worship the Prophet Muhammad I would be fine.I feel Muslims put to much emphasis on the Prophet Muhammad and put him maybe not equal to G.D is the right word but they worship him more than I feel is normal and that bothers me but thats basically it.
    I love the 5 times call to prayer a day I find that Beautiful and relaxing to be honest and always looked forward to hearing it while in Pakistan.I love EID and all that the sacrificing stands for.I totally get it although my husband would swear I don’t lol
    The men think that if the woman is a Christian or Jew it is fine but truthfully in my experience I don’t see how a Christian for sure would be able to deal and vice versa because of the dietary laws.I don’t eat pork BUT if say I am out and someone screws up and by accident eats pork I don’t freak out about it but we really try not to eat Pork.I grew up eating Pork so I guess that is why I don’t totally freak out.
    Jews don’t believe on the Prophet Muhammad so that might be conflicting there if someone wanted to fight about it and Jews have more dietary laws like not mixing milk and meat together I don’t worry about all that since I am not a jew although I might should to be honest.
    Anyway from what I understand and it boils down to the any children born from a Muslim father is Muslim as far as I was told by my husband.So if they learn and accept another religion I guess they believe they r still muslim.Although they claim if u leave Islam u r to be killed.Lord woman I don’t know the whole thing is strange to me. I say the easy way is stay with your own and save yourself the headache.lol

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    @Sara,

    My understanding is the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) had nine wives. Allah held him to a different standard than the general Muslim population. Many of his marriages were to cement relations between tribes, and bring people to Islam. The Jewess and Christian women who he married were “People of the Book” who had received the original Torah and Gospel. The teachings in those books were the same as the teachings in the Holy Quran. Of course, they accepted Islam.

    You made me laugh about Taco Bell. Not all Muslims care about their religion, and about following it. They would rather satisfy their palate. They don’t think there are consequences for disobeying Allah or simply don’t care about them. They only want to satisfy their desires. They wanna eat. It the same with Jews. Some of them don’t keep Kosher. I know Muslims who eat anything they want. They think as long as it’s not pork it’s okay. Some of the supermarket in the area where I live now carry Halal meats.

    The Muslims who are arranging marriage mostly do it based on culture. It has nothing to do with Islam. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is a prime example that his marriages weren’t arranged by anyone other than Allah. Muslims are all one brotherhood. Muslims should feel free to marry any Muslim – red or yellow, black or white, Pakistani, Russian, African, Indonesian, Australian or whatever. The whole Pakistani thing of keeping the wealth and resourses in the family doesn’t seem to me to be in accordance with what Islam is about.

    Sara, you’re doing really good. We came down hard on you, but I’m glad you hung in there, and didn’t leave us. I like having you here. We all do things in life that we aren’t very happy about. It’s life. We all go through something. As you said, you know how to proceed going forward. The key is for us to make a sincere effort and have intent not to make the same mistakes again. We have to learn how to get up, dust ourselves off and keep it moving.

  • Sara

    August 20, 2015

    Gail and Ana,

    If muslims follow PBUH prohet Muhammad then why do they up hold him marrying 14? I do know the guy i was seeing , his mom was hindu his dad muslim and she converted to islam. They married for love. Then there daughter got old enough for marriage her dad chose her husband. i often wonder, maybe these muslims dont reallyunderstand their religion to its entirety. But who am i to judge. I really now appreciate this site. Wish i had known about it 5 years ago. I feel right now im going through my own fast of where i understand what i did wrong and now its up to me not to make those same mistakes. And another thing why in the world do muslims say they are supposed to eat halal when yet they order chicken tacos from taco bell? Or buy meat from the local grocer?

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2015

    @Gail,

    I can respect what you said to Sara about how the mixing of culture and religion can be very problematic. I appreciate your honesty and how straight forward you are about it.

    I totally don’t get how Imams and scholars could tell Muslims that it is okay for the men to marry non-Muslim women. It has to be self-serving for men. They want to keep the Muslim women to themselves, and have access to any other woman out there. It’s the only logical explanation.

    The mother of the child, not the father, is going to raise the child. The child will spend more time with the mother than with the father. The mother will raise the child to be the religion that she is. It is totally ridiculous to expect a non-Muslim mother to raise her child to be a Muslim. Are they saying that When the mother is celebrating Christmas and exchanging gifts with others, she is going to tell the child to wait till Eid to get his or her present? While she’s eating a pork chop sandwich, she’s going to prepare the child a halal meal? She would be a friggen hypocrite. What does it look like for a mother to say, you will be Muslim and live that way, but I am Christian and don’t believe in Islam. It’s ludicrous.

    Muslim men who marry women who are not Muslim are not religious men. They only call themselves Muslim. Muslim men know if they want to live according to the dictates of the Quran, they have to marry Muslimd. There are many Muslims who want to live the worldly life, and want their Paradise here on this planet.

    If a Muslim reads the Quran, she or he would know that everything in the Quran says Muslims and non-Muslim are not to marry. To say a Muslim man could marry any woman is like saying only men need to be Muslim. Non-Muslims are considered unbelievers and an enemy to Allah. What sense does it make for Allah to tell a Muslim that he could marry His enemy and one who rejects everything He says? He says they will lead a Muslim astray from His path, but then He gives Muslim men permission to marry said person??? (shaking my head).

    Allah tell us in the Holy Quran that He makes people Muslim and non-Muslim. Knowing it, what makes a person think that they could marry a non-Muslim and convert her? Come on already. Gee Wiz

    Gail, you’re not even Muslim, but you know better than all of it – it totally doesn’t add up. Islam is not rocket science, but one would think it is based on what is spouted out there by people who are supposedly learned men.

  • Gail

    August 20, 2015

    Sara,

    Well I am married to a Pakistani Muslim man but I am not Muslim.My belief system is Jewish.I have a mixed marriage religious and cultural.
    We have never actually fought over religious matters which I do find pretty remarkable but we fight almost daily over cultural issues.He hates the American culture and I hate the Pakistani culture and with us raising are kids it has been a nightmare to say the least.
    My husband wants to marry are 3 kids to his brothers 3 kids and I am totally against cousin marriages.I seen how his own cousin marriage ruined not only his life but his cousins life as well as his sister and the entire family.It is a jacked up way to marry people and I am totally against it and I would divorce over this topic alone if I thought it would help the kids but In my case it would make worse he would get visitation and he would up and fly to pakistan when they r older.I will never let that happen so I stay and try to get through his thick head he can’t control us and he has to learn to live with the consequences of his actions.Had him marrying the kids to cousins been so important at the time we married he should have spoken up and said something so we would have both been clear but the fact is he did not and I have seen the reality of cousin marriages so I will never agree that this is a good idea.
    Now in saying that if my children want to marry a cousin I will not forbid it but I am very firm that is must be their choice and their choice alone.Still I doubt I will be happy about it even if they did decided to go against my wish because the culture is just to much to deal.
    Also I am not really sure how my kids would react to their children being raised Muslim either to be honest because they have been raised jewish because they don’t believe in hell and some things are different and when we celebrate Chanukah in Pakistan family members have been nasty towards us and told us we r crazy etc.. My youngest sister inlaw I flat told her if she can’t control her mouth stay out of my home during Chanukah as she has no reason to be there.
    I personally don’t have a problem being married to a Muslim man because my husband never pressured me to change religions.I told him straight before marriage I would not become Muslim because I have a problem believing on the Prophet Muhammad so I felt that I could not embrace Islam from that standpoint although I do respect that he lived and my husband comes from the prophet Muhammad Linage.My children also know and understand this as well as it is a fact.I am related to Jefferson Davis the Southern President during the Civil War and that is a fact as well.I see it like that basically.
    U have to be careful though mixing up with muslim men because alot of them will pressure u to convert to Islam then u got a mess on your hands.
    I will say it is better to stay with your own culture and religion if u can it just goes more smoothly if u ask me.

  • Sara

    August 20, 2015

    Gail,

    Since blogging here for the past to days especially with you Ms. Gail, the past 5 years have been nothing but me being the slave and he getting all the pleasure, my pleasure has resulted in pain. Oh i might have gotten a pay day loan but i made sure he got paid back. I worked my tail offin his gas sstation and cleaning their home spotless. I will do for me and my son because life isn’t worth heartache. He did however let me have a car when mine broke down but he never made opportunity to title it over. So i guess i will drive it till it doesn’t run no more. But Gail, are youin a muslim mmarriage? his whole life has been based on lies, i pray he will change, but i doubt he does. I thought about going to his store when his parents were there and apologize for everything and tell them i will take full responsibility for the both of our actions. I really think God wants me to do that, i was taught you own up to your sins and apologize to the people. I know the apology cant be done now but I will know in time.

  • Gail

    August 20, 2015

    Sara,

    As hard as it is to believe Indian and Pakistani parents turn a blind eye many times when their sons cheat.So for the parents to allow u in the home is no real big shocker to me.Does it make right No it doesn’t but just because people call themselves religious doesn’t mean they r understand.Did his parents know 100% u and he were having an affair? They could have been Naive to all that was going on being elderly only u know because u were there.
    I know u loved him but dang girl u have not said one thing about what was so great to love about this man but u have said plenty about him cheating and having alot of girlfriends.
    Like was saying just start seeing the truth and facts in people for example he can say he loves u till pigs fly or hell freezes over but if he never ask u for marriage then he very obviously does not love u or ever did and this is the truth and the cold hard fact because if a man loves a woman he never lets her go.He will ask straight up for marriage so he knows she will not be with any other man.
    Fornication is when an unmarried person has sex which would be u in this case understand.It is a sin the same like adultery and u r not suppose to do sex outside marriage.
    Here is the thing the biblical laws were put into place for a reason.If u do a sin u will get a bad result and i found this to be totally true.For example in this affair u had just think how many sins were committed.U have adultery and fornication then u have lying,cheating etc… understand one sin leads to other sin till eventually death as it is written.
    See u gave your all to this idiot I call him and now u r emotionally drained.If a man approached u now for marriage u would not even be mentally or emotionally stable to even pursue that at this point because u were busy running after Mr Knowbody understand?Thats why I say live and learn and DO NOT get emotionally or physically involved again with someone who is not willing to step up and marry you.
    Do your best to move past this so u can get on with your life is my advice.

  • Sara

    August 20, 2015

    You know, it was almost like he was living a double standard life. One to please his family one me. I actually did read over the Quran in regards to things he was doing. At the end of the day i did want to be accepted as a second to him because i was that in love. So maybe, during this time of seeking the forgiveness, i pray he will realize the light as well. What matters is i take care of myself. Love will always whether its right or wrong. My story is prime example of that. I just don’t want other females falling into my trap, its not a fun ride…oh it definitely could have lasted another 5 years had a sat back and kept shut up. I was seeing that i was getting older and i wanted to be settled down, i was rejected by him. So i will use my love story as a lesson and pray it wont happen again. I do; however, feel he and i happened for a reason, im the kind of person things dont happen by mistake. The things we do that end up wrong are to teach us valuable lessons not to do them again. I hope i can be an inspiration for any other female to leave relationships like that. Dont think that because they wooo you in the home and thr parents or wife call you family that they really consider you family. The first step is admitting to the addiction, in which i did, so i was the greater person i confessed to my fault all the while he was still lying. I know sorry wont give me no pat on the back, but maybe i will have a greater reward somewhere down my lonely road for taking that first step. It wasn’t east, i felt ashamed, it hurts now, and i cry all during the day. At the end of the day, i did love that man, with all my heart, and he knew that, at least i loved him enough to let him go. Im not going to hate him, for i know our time to meet again may come or may not come. I hope he becomes a better man, some men just have issues and they continue. Only god knows the rest of the story. I dont want mine to be fulfilled with unhappiness.

  • Sara

    August 20, 2015

    No we didn’t marry. I only got played the fool to be the maid at his home where he resided with his parens while she worked 5 hours away and was living in another state, while coming home on weekends. As for contact, he is not talking to me because of her. On a side note, i do pay for netflix for allof us to use, they are still sharing the account. I deeply cared about him and i dont want to say he didnt care about me. In time, i will know. I would be honored if you wpuld enlighten me more on the fornication paragraph. I think i need my answers as to why he continued on with it, this all helps me get through. I just dont understand why his mother and father allowed me in the home and i know with all my heart they knew before she knew what was going on. At the end of the day, i wanted her to accept the fact he was with me because of the religious acts and i was a divorced single mom. He was like my protection from other men hitting on me.

  • Sara

    August 20, 2015

    Hi gail, well i got inside the home honestly because he knew his religion allowed it but looking back i dont understand why his mom and dad allowed me inside knowing he was married. I was a huge help to them especially the last 3 years of the relationship. Like i said in a previous blog, she wasn’t home during the week amd lived in another state while she worked and would visit on weekends. Come to find out, he was seeing a really nice girl and cheated on this girl pf 9 years with the woman hes with now. Theres even another twist, the one hes with now, he and she were together for a year then he left India to live in the usa. While over hear he got engaged to a gir in canada. then the one hes with now, made arrangements to come study in the usa. The one hes with now found out about it and forced him to be with her. Thats how thy got married. My guess is she knew something on him and thats why she made him be with her. So, i think maybe she got paid back for how she went about making him be with her. I know when i would be inside the home, he never spent time with her, he would always stay in the bed. On the other hand what wife is going to work that far from her husband. I supported him in his business when she never would, and i devoted myself to him in his home even providing carr and attention to his mom and dad which are her in laws. She will even tell you, she doesn’t get along with her father in law. She has a very rude i want it now attitude, very unappreciative person. So it may not happen this year nor in the next 20 but o think she will be paid back eventually. Like the old saying goes what goes around comes around. Her being gone left a big space for him to need someone to love him, he thought it was the right thing, because his religion accepts , but even though his parents accepted me, she proved to him she wouldn’t. I deserve man i can support and he will be mine.

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2015

    @Sara,

    I just went over to spam and some of your comments are there. I’m going to put them here on the blog now. I don’t know what happened that they went there.

  • Sara

    August 20, 2015

    Gail, i really wish right now i could reach ouy and hug you and just cry and then i cam bury the pain. I jave to bury him someday. Ill take it like you said he will always be my first real love, its kind of like having kids your so panicky woth the first the second and third fourth come soo naturally you know not to come at that every move. I loved him with all my heart, the next ill know not to shower myself on him as much as i did my true love. I hope we cn stay intouch here so i can tell everyone how much ive grown. In fact i would love to write a book about my journey with this handsome single indiam muslim that swept me off my feet, tha turned to be married and taught me that independence is the most valuable part of life. We make it by loving ourselves first.

  • Gail

    August 20, 2015

    Sara,

    Never expect a man or anyone else to change.Adultery and fornication has been around since the beginning of time and will remain.You can only change yourself dear.
    Just keep thinking on what we r trying to explain to u here on the blog we r in no way trying to attack u personally we r attacking the immoral behavior/sin understand? U know the line love the sinner hate the sin type thing.lol
    There is also another saying”You do what u do until u know to do better.When u know better u do better”. I really think u have come to a crossroads in your life.Really think about what we r saying.
    Also keep in your mind men are sexually driven and woman are emotionally driven this is why morals are so important and why marriage is the right way.
    Marriage let the woman get the emotional security she needs while the man gets sex.It is a win win.

  • Gail

    August 20, 2015

    Sara,

    These people are not religious and have no moral values as u see clearly.I want to be clear here no matter even if his wife had an abortion that doesn’t change the facts understand.Obviously she has her own moral issues if she aborted a child being Muslim but that has nothing to do with u as that is between her and her husband.
    Believe me when I say had he wanted to keep the baby she would have had it.For some reason India people seem to abort baby girls and keep the boys from what I understand so if they had a daughter already this could be the reason they did it.They see girls as only an expense and boys as their future money makers.It is a cultural thing normally.Now the baby could have had a defect which is possible so without knowing the entire story I can say I can only speculate.
    Honestly u were lead here to this blog for a reason and If for know other reason than us explaining to u about morals and not mixing up with married men unless u want an outcome like this to happen then women should never give there love away for free.I am not just talking about u because women give their hearts and love away for free everyday and it is just more than ignorant when u have the bible.torah and Quran saying don’t do this.Heck even your mom and grandmother would say don’t do that as it is an ignorant thing to do.Always get the ring first then shower him with your love and devotion.
    Look I am not even saying u should leave this man although for me personally I could not for the life of me see what u see in him if he aborted his own child but that is just me.All I am saying is don’t give yourself away to any man without a ring because G.D put all that love and devotion inside of u and he put it there not for u to waste on a man that u r not married with understand? I truly believe because u did not follow the religious moral code u have found yourself in this situation.Now in saying that it is ok lesson learned notes taken right?
    If this guy comes back around and u want to pursue him knowing his wife aborted a baby and he has not only cheated on her with u and will cheat again if given the chance more than likely and for sure has zero religious moral values to even begin to train us a future generation of children Lord have mercy woman if I were u I would be so grateful it ended.Emotions r a funny thing I will sure tell u.
    I had this first love from the time I was 13 yrs old and I am 44 now and I loved this man so sincerely and deeply all my life/We got separated he moved to Michigan and I lived in Arkansas and got married.I found him on Fb a few years ago and all my emotions came flooding up to the surface that I had buried so many years ago. He wanted to marry me and told me he loved me all his life and he had inquired about me through the years but because i was married he never came near me.The problem was is that I am married and I could not justify to divorce my husband and marry him.I seen some things in my first love that I did not like that I felt were not morally correct so I passed on the chance to marry him for a second time in my life.Even my own marriage is not all that great to be frank but I have always been a person driven by my morals more than my emotions.
    I do not believe in giving emotions importance over morals and facts.
    I will always love my first love but I will not divorce my husband and put my children in another mans care it seems so wrong to me on so many levels.
    Now in saying that my husband needs to step up and be more of a dad to his children.I don’t want to say he is a horrible dad because he is not but mentally I feel like he is stuck in his culture which me and the children really don’t want to be a part of but hopefully in time he will come around and we can figure out how to live in peace on that topic.
    I hope what I have written about not letting your emotions guide u but instead let your religious morals guide u because emotions do change like the weather it is only facts.
    There is this saying that I love that really applies here in your circumstance”You have to stand for something or u will fall for anything”.
    I hope u learn to see yourself as beautiful and worthy and take all that love and devotion and save it for the man who will marry u and make u his wife because that will be the man that deserves your emotions.

  • Sara

    August 20, 2015

    Thanks Gail, but when do these men stop doing this? He claimed to be single when I forst met him, by time i found out the truth love was there so i stayed in it for the happiness to be there. You arr right they stick together no matter how rough the storm is, or how happy unhappy they are. You know things also began to change when she aborted a child earlier this year. I was beginning to see that involvement with them is useless. I cant see anyone with a husband wanting to get rid of a baby unborn. When do i get over it, its veryhard right now cause I’m going through the flashbacks. Do you feel things happen for reasons? I guess love changes like the seasons change.

  • Gail

    August 20, 2015

    Sara,

    U said his wife mentioned that he has cheated on her before and she stays with him.Most wives do stay with their husbands.When u r a wife u have more to consider than your emotions esp in india and Pakistani cultures.Look it is very easy his wife don’t like him cheating around but as long as he does not take a second wife she will not leave him because financially she will gain everything.They r more financially driven by their culture and they kinda expect that their men will have sexual affairs.They don’t like it but they know it happens and most will not divorce because the family unit comes first and they themselves know it is hard to get another husband after divorce and say even if they lucked out and got another husband they know chances are more the second husband will do same thing so why bother.It is easier to damage control with the first husband then go through all the drama and family breakup.

  • ummof4

    August 20, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Sara, it sounds as if you are beginning to see the light. You have finally admitted that what you did was wrong. You were wrong and the man was wrong. As far as you converting to Islaam, I would advise you to read a translation of the Qur’aan if you are interested in learning more about Islaam as a way of life. If you are not interested, okay.

    If you put your faith and trust in Allah (the one true God), then you will not be led astray. There are some good guys out there, I hope you will find one to marry when the time is right.

    Wives and husbands stay married to their spouses who commit adultery for various reasons; I don’t even try to figure it out. You’re probably correct, he will try and maybe succeed with another woman, since he did it before you.

    May Allah guide all of us to make the correct decisions in life and keep us away from the major and minor sins.

  • Sara

    August 20, 2015

    First, i never shared his money, i worked at my own job outside of helping him at his store and being a maid in his house to earn what i got. Looking back, he was wrong for not doing it right and telling her hey id like to be a backbone to this divorced young female, she really works hard and im going to take her as a wife. He was probably scared of her rejection. Knowing how he is, i dont think im going to be his last victim. Probably next time he will be 100xs sneakier. He cheated on her before , she even said it herself, so either she is blind sided to him and only sees it for the sex making or he just doesnt give a damn who he hurts. I know i dont want to see myself being hurt. At one point looking back he tried to get me to convert to Islam i just couldn’t leave my religion, maybe he would i have took me as a wife. It just wasnt meant to be, maybe in another lifetime just not thia one.

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2015

    @Sara,

    The last post to you is a bit jacked up, but I think you understand what I was trying to say. It’s too early in the morning for me to be trying to type with some sense.

    Sara, if a Man wants or needs another wife, he is allowed to have four. Did you and he ever discuss that he marry you? If a man has a need for “a second life to fill a little piece of emptiness” as you stated, he has an outlet. It ismarriage. He, nor you, utilized it. It’s the point.

    Do you expect someone here to say you did right by being intimately involved with the man and that he should have shared his time and money with you (who was not his wife) and with his wife? I don’t understand the sense of entitlement that you think you have. Yes, you did the right thing by letting her know that you were involved with her husband. At least it brought an end to the sordid affair. You did good in doing that. Other than it, I don’t see how you could expect any kudos, brownie points, an attaboy, accolades or anything of the sort. Instead of focusing on what everyone else had done wrong, according to you, you should try to see where you went wrong. Try to get yourself together, so you could move on. I know it’s not going to be easy, but you could do it. Just use it as a learning experience, and don’t get involved with another man like that again without being married to him.

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2015

    @Sara,

    I totally get what you have said. I understand that you invested a lot of time, energy and emotions etc. on him, his wife and his parents. Five years is a long time to be with someone and then the person kicks you to the curb. It hurts badly. I have no doubt about it. Some men use the very women they are supposed to maintain and protect. He need to get a beating. Sorry to say you do to. Those who commit adultery and fornication are supposed to be flogged 100 times. Just thank God that you’re not in some backwards country where they stone women for committing adultery.

    I think what has baffled everyone here is that you think he has wronged you when she has not. You have been blaming those people when you entered the relationship with the man voluntarily. She went behind her back and had sexual relations with her husband who was not your husband. It doesn’t matter how good you were to her and his parents, she owes you nothing. Why do you think she should not dislike you? You betrayed her trust in you.

  • Sara

    August 20, 2015

    One more thing this website was not helpgul at all. At least i loved the man enough to confess my sins all the while he continued to lie, i think im the greater one for doing the right thing. Maybe some muslim men are trying to please their family so much, they just need that second life to fill that little piece of emptiness. God is the only one that knows my intentions were not him leaving her, but to just be accepted and given that right to just. Ill always cherish my relationship with this man, never will i hate him. I wish him luck in his future endeavors, and if he comes back i hope he learned a lesson in keeping secrets.

  • Sara

    August 20, 2015

    You know, you all dont understand the whole story till you walk a mile in my shoes. I didn’t share my story because i wanted the criticism i shared because i don’t want anyone else to go through what i went through. I never looked at myself as his mistress, his family accepted me as family but i couldn’t keep living mylife as his lie. So i spoke the truth. I was very good to his parents amd his wife. For i stayed with her by her side when she almost died in a hospital. I just wanted to be accepted as a second, since i couldn’t get that i had to free myself of it. I would say from a psychological standpoint he reminds me of a narcissist. Im not a whore, but thanks for insinuating that was the case. We all will be judged for judging others when we don’t know th e truth.

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2015

    I’ve done heard it all now when mistresses think they have rights.

    People from the “slap-a-ho” tribe have rights.

  • Ruqayyah

    August 20, 2015

    @Sara are you seriously trying to mix up American culture and islam? the 2 don’t mix you either pick 1 or the other not use a bit of both to satisfy your own conscience. Either why what you did was wrong, you’re either a mistress who is f@cking another womans husband when you should know better than to mess with a married man because American culture dictates 1 woman for 1 man. Or your an adulterer who is having illegal sexual relations. I do not blame his wife 1 bit for not accepting you and I am a wife who has accepted a secret WIFE! I accepted her because it was a legitimate relationship whereas what you have is sinful and wrong. You can’t expect her to accept her husband cheating on her and love you.

  • anabellah

    August 19, 2015

    @Sara,

    I want to second what Gail said that you should not have anymore sex with that man. You now should know that you were entirely in the wrong. If, as she said, he comes sniffing around you again, don’t have sexual contact with him. Respect yourself. You have to be strong enough to repel his advances, if he does approach you again.

    I totally understand that you feel used, abused and taken advantage of. No good comes from something bad. Learn from your mistake, and don’t repeat it.

  • anabellah

    August 19, 2015

    @Sara,

    It’s not easy for me to talk to you, as what you are involved in is convoluted. If you mix truth with falsehood, it all is falsehood. I will try to explain what I think as easily as possible. First you should know there was a non-Muslim woman here on the blog for a long time. She was married to a Muslim man. She continually blamed his first wife for their husband getting with her (the non-Muslim). She said the first wife pimped the husband out. I see similarities in your situation; although the woman who I just spoke of was married to the man. She said the first wife let him leave Pakistan and he came to the U.S., met and married her as a second wife. She complained it was first wife’s fault.

    I agree with Gail that in your case his wife is not at fault. She is his wife with rights. You have no right with regard to him. You said she kept him on a lease. She was married to him. If she finally got a chance to stay at home and spend time with her husband, what was wrong with it? They are married and a family. She was working in another State before. If her husband didn’t like it, he could have expressed his concerns to her. If he still felt that his needs were not being met, he could have let her know that he was interested in marrying another. After all, he may have up to four wives. God allows polygamy. Her husband may not have cared that she worked in another State, as it gave him time to play with you.

    The man who you love said he is Muslim, yet he lived the life of a non-Muslim or maybe both – falsehood. He was married and had you as his mistress on the side. What makes you think you have any rights? I don’t know of mistresses getting rights in Islam, Christianity or any other religion (which I don’t know a whole lot about other religions). Men sees mistresses when they can, have sex with them, give them gifts and whatever else.

    His wife owes you nothing and neither does he. He was wrong in committing adultery (having sex with a woman who was not his wife) and you were wrong having sex with him without being married, which is fornication. As Gail said, in the American culture fornication and adultery is the norm. Those weren’t her exact words. You thought it no big deal that you and he to engage in such activity. He, apparently, thought it was no big deal either.

    I don’t know what to suggest you do. Even if he and she agreed to have you join their family, would you become Muslim? A Muslim is only supposed to marry a Muslim, but it’s happening all the time that they marry any women whom they fancy. It’s what I mean about mixing truth with falsehood. Everyone on earth will account to God for all that they’ve done. It’s one thing I know for a fact.

    It appears to me that you and he are at fault. Maybe his parents were not right to invite you into their home. Maybe they live the non-Muslim way, as well, but just call themselves Muslims. I say all the time there is a difference between Muslims and believers. A person who takes the oath that Allah is God and the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is His messenger is all a person has to say to say he or she is Muslim. They take the oath lightly and fail to understand the serious vow they took with Allah who is God. A believer is a Muslim who tries to live EVERYTHING that Allah says. The Believer believes and do righteous deeds.

    You got with a married man and got burned. Own up to it and take the blame. It bugs me out that all of these women are listening to these sweet talking men. Oh, he loves me. I’m his world and blah, blah, blah. Actions speaks louder than words. His actions shows he loves his wife. He is there with her. You are there with you and us. As Gail, asked, did he ask you to marry him?

    It’s all about desires. Most people follow after lust (lust doesn’t have to be sexual). They want to fulfill their own desires. Allah says those who follow after lusts have a diseased heart. You wanted to fulfill yours desires with your Indian/Muslim friend and he wanted to satisfy his desires with you. So you both got your groove on with each other and your time is up…

  • Gail

    August 19, 2015

    Sara,

    U obviously trying to play the victim in your situation.All I am saying is and the other woman on the blog will back me up don’t expect your husbands wife to ever except u because in her mind u r a liar and a cheat.
    The only reason u r hurting is because u were an idiot babe understand???
    U r quoting the bible so obviously u know it well why don’t u try living it now.U know Adultery and fornication is wrong and I am not trying to act all holier than thou I can assure u and I am not casting stones at u.I am just stating facts to u.I could say it sweeter and so it is more pallet pleasing to u but whats the point.The fact is u knowingly got mixed up with a married man and u kept the relation going 5 yrs and yes u got hurt these r the facts but had u not mixed up with married man and let him use you like cheap wine.
    Look the bottom line is this u don’t have any self respect for yourself obviously so I am asking u straight up if the idiot came back around would u have sex with him again or do u have common sense now not to play into his games?
    U getting your feelings hurt is the least of your problems chicky… u need to figure morally and religiously where u stand and what u stand for because u have children that r watching u.May G>D/Allah forgive u for what u have done and if u and this man are going to be together then marry and do it right but don’t ever expect that his wife is ever going to accept u after what u did.
    I am going to be blunt here I don’t like your attitude of blaming his wife and parents for you and his bad behavior.U made the choice to sin and enjoy at the time and now that u have to pay for that sin instead of accepting your fault u r blaming on the innocent people.See the truth in what I am trying to convey to u and not take personal I am attacking what u did not u as a person.Yes we all sin but we don’t blame others for our sin once we understand what we did wrong we accept we did wrong and we ask forgiveness and change r direction and don’t sin again.That is why I asked u straight if he comes near u again will u continue this relation or make him marry u? Also I will say again u have children they r seeing u what u r doing it is so bad and I hope now u can see this.

  • Sara

    August 19, 2015

    Gail did you not read where she wa working in another state lived there and come home on weekend? His mom and dad should have never allowed me in the home knowing there som is married. But please im not here tobe yelled at. If you were in my shoes yoi would hurt to. A wise man tells me who are we to cast stones? We all make mistakes. Im sure you are no saint.

  • Gail

    August 19, 2015

    Sara,

    U just blew my mind with your last post.Really his wife is part to blame in your F@cking her husband? Are u for real? Who the Hell gives u the right to judge her when she is his wife and u r playing the part of a whore? U are obviously completely in the dark about alot of things.
    Sara get it through your head u were nothing more than his piece on the side.In Islam men can marry up to 4 times he did not even after 5 yrs of marriage even bother to take u for his wife.THAT SPEAKS VOLUMES!! Wise up woman and see yourself for what u really were to this man.
    So what he bought u a diamond necklace I would say he got off cheap because a u were giving it to him/sex for free.Otherwise he would have had to pay for a whore and that is not cheap.
    Now that u know he can have up to 4 wives and he did not ever take u for his wife what do u think now?
    I don’t mean to come across as hard in my writings but u can not be serious to blame his wife because their marriage is none of your business.If she heard u say that she would rip your head off and yet u wish she should be understanding towards u again stop smoking whatever it is u r smoking and and see reality for what it is.
    Also think like this if your daughter was dating and sleeping knowingly with a married man for 5 yrs what advice would u give her?Think logically is all I am saying.

  • Sara

    August 19, 2015

    Hi no we were not married. It just really hurts that i get shunned after guving my all into this man and his family. I think in time it will get better. The only thing i got was an i love you, your my whole world, im still crazy in love with you, and a diamond necklace. I can’t just tell someone i love them annd not mean it. I may never understand islam 100%, but what i do know is he wasn’t being just on my part. I would like to be enlightened on the fornication adultery issue. During this healing process im trying to get my answer is it completely my fault? Or should he and i take 50 50. I am assuming now that his parents know as well he probably lied to them when he apologized and stated it was all my fault. It takes two to tango not one, this went on for 5 years of my life. Five years that felt like 20. I not only was his lover on the side I worked in his store and cleaned his whole house all while his wife was five hours away working in her own field living in another state accept on weekends. Maybe she will realize where she made a mistake because i feel she is partly the blame as to why it lasted this long. It didnt get shaky till she moved back, thats when he was kept on some sort of leash. Of course the relationship could have lasted 5 more years, had i not opened my mouth and showed her the truth, but i wasn’t happy knowing he couldn’t give me that one little ounce of him i needed if bonding time, not bed time. I really wish the wives wouldn’t lash out at the other woman especially when some of these other women are standing by the whole families side.

  • Gail

    August 19, 2015

    Sara,

    It is really hard to feel sorry for u when u were up and close and personal with his wife and I do feel very sorry for his wife that she got a dirty dog for a husband.As far u I don’t know what u were thinking to let it go on for so long.I get where she said u did not care for her or do anything out of love for her because u were screwing her husband and acting like a whore to be blunt.
    Now in saying all that if comes sniffing back around u I would suggest u not have sexual relations with him knowing how his wife feels.Also don’t expect that she will ever embrace u with open arms.
    I am curious how did u get so close to his wife were u working as hired help or what? I am surprised she let u that close to her when she suspected but I would assume she was waiting for the truth to come out.G.D bless her for being that patient and not poisoning u to be frank.
    Now in saying all this I hope u learned a valuable lesson to not sleep with men if u r interested in them for marriage.If a man wants marriage with u he will wait and do it the proper way.I know u being from the American culture as I also am it is normal to have sex before marriage but look at our culture and see men r using women and women r letting them and we have all these women raising children alone. So again I hope u got a clue and have grown in maturity and if he comes buzzing back around u tell him straight either put up or shut up.
    His wife will have also learned a lesson in this that her husband is a cheater and she will have to watch her back from here on out thanks to you.I am not blaming u I am just saying these r the facts that she will have to live with so try to understand her position.

  • anabellah

    August 19, 2015

    @Sara, Welcome! I’m glad you found the blog.

    I know you must be so distraught about what has happened. You didn’t say you and he are married, so I’m assuming that you two aren’t.

    We try to warn women as best, as we can, not to be a “secret wife”. It is a huge no, no. In your case you were simply a secret, as in mistress, if you’re not married to him. There is a reason for marriage and a purpose.

    Marriage is beautiful. It gives a woman honor, respect and status. She doesn’t get it when she is in a relationship in which she is viewed as a “mistress” or a side dish, so to speak.

    It’s easy for women who aren’t Muslim to get caught up in a relationship with a Muslim man and it goes sour. Quite a few mix up with non-Muslim women and lie to them and deceive them. The non-Muslim women find out he’s already married or intended to marry someone else.

    You said you wished you had never confessed. I totally believe that what happened (that you confessed) was supposed to happen. It’s better that you got it out in the open. As you stated, you didn’t want to continue to be a secret. I doubt any woman wants it. It was good that you told her what had been going on. You did the right thing. Now you can see where your life will go from here, and hopefully get to a place where you feel better.

    You could expect that his wife would be angry and hurt that you and he were caring on behind her back. She probably feels a sense of total betrayal, as you were up close and personal in her life. She probably feels like and thinks she is a fool.

    You asked if there is a chance that he will come back around. There is a possibility. Only God knows whether he will or not. Are you receptive to being in a polygamous marriage as one of his wives? Does he want to marry you? If he’s avoiding you and cutting off all contact with you, he may want to save his marriage with her and end it completely with you. What has he said to you about it?

    I won’t get into the whole adultery and fornication bit that Muslims should be concerned with. You are not Muslim. Even if you were, you don’t need me to lecture you about fornication and adultery. I’m not going to go there with it. I’m simply going to deal with the polygamy part of it. What you speak of falls in the realm of what we entertain in dialogue on this blog.

  • Sara

    August 19, 2015

    I would like to have my story told. I recently just ended a 5 year relationship with an Indian Muslim. I met him at his gas station on a warm June afternoon, we exhchanged numbers and then we had an evening together at his apartment. From there it would turn into five years of not only knowing him but being very close to his family as well. During the first year with him i was going through my own divorce and was being a single mom. He supported me in the emotional aspect, but financially i had to work for my own , to the point if i needed to borrow money i would work at his store until i could pay him back. But i looked beyond being used because love is blind it speak no evil and does no wrong. The downfall, he did have a wife, i come to the point of accepting her but couldn’t accept that i wasnt getting the quality time i needed from him. So she become pregnant, and of course i would help keep the home clean and run errands for his parents as they all lived together. Towards the end he finally admitted he loved me and was crazy in love and i was his life and gave me a diamond pendent necklace. I decided one day i just cant keep living my life in secret, so i confessed to his wife that her suspicions were i fact true. Now,she ddoesn’t want him nor I contacting one another. This woman i wpuld stay behind her side when she was sick after giving birth, help babysit her child, now claims i didn’t do it for love. Only for being able to sleep with him. Right now i feel so alone, apart of me wishes i never confessed. Is there any chance of him coming back around?

  • anabellah

    August 5, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    Well said! A very nice post it is indeed. Not only should what you said help Alnisa. It should help all of us. I, the same as you, get disappointed at times with how these marriages are handled. No woman who never wanted to live in a polygamous marriage is going to jump for joy when she finds out her husband will marry another or has already married another. If he was man enough or is man enough to marry another woman, which is a privilege for him, and is part of our religion, he should be man enough to stand up to his other wife. She shouldn’t call the shot and tell him how thing will be. The men need to be strong enough to handle a polygamous marriage or he needs to remain monogamous.

    It’s not just and fair to the wife he marries second when he caters to the first wife and neglects one he later married. It is so totally wrong. I’m sure any first wife who fears Allah feels uncomfortable when she knows her husband neglects the other wife. Women need to simply look at how she’d feel, if she was the other woman. No woman wants to be a secret. No woman wants to be a mistress. No woman wants to feel like a Ho (whore)…

    It would be nice if Imam and scholars took a stance. Kutbahs are need to get the word out. Do they do much more at the masjids than seek donation? scoff I really don’t know. It seem that what should be talked about to help people live their daily lives is being overlooked.

  • Ruqayyah

    August 5, 2015

    When will men realise lying makes it worse it is easier to be forced to accept the truth no matter how bitter it tastes. I was mad when my husband downplayed the significance of his wife, it made.me dislike her or any woman he considered marrying. When he said I like so and so and they are important to me its easier to accept and Im sure its the same for most women. Men always freak out and try to make the wife they’re afraid of losing seem like she has the power and lets her know he will divorce the other wife if it pleases her. He doesn’t realize Allahs qadr will prevail regardless and so he should stand up for the truth and trust that Allah will give him the best situation. Men need not lie because his wife may just leave him regardless or their marriage could become miserable now because of all the lies and mistrust.. I get very disappointed at times with how these marriages are handled. We women need to accept our husbands are capable of loving and having sex with more than us and it doesn’t make our marriages bad or less than other marriages. We need not feel like we are missing out due to this because we only get what Allah gives us.
    I know it doesn’t help you.much Alnisa, but do what you need stick to the truth and trust in Allah. You will only get whatever He has decreed for you

  • anabellah

    August 4, 2015

    @Alnisa,

    Thank you for your post and for letting other women know not to be any man’s secret wife. There is a lot of it going on. You are not alone.There are men out there who call themselves Muslims, but they behave the same as non-Muslims do. They have “wives”, but the “wives” are essentially mistresses on the side. The Muslim men call their mistresses “wives”. I don’t know if actual ceremonies take place for most of the second marriages or the couples takes their vows between the two of them with no witnesses.

    Women need to know not to agree to be a secret second wife. If the man cannot be straight up from the onset, the woman need not marry the man. The man should not contract a marriage, and make the wife a secret because he fears the wife whom he married first. If he fears his first wife, he shouldn’t marry another one. These men are very selfish and lustful. Allah tells us not to marry for lust. Those who follows lust have a diseased heart.

    It’s very sad. I can only imagine what you’re going through, Alnisa, and what women who are in your shoes go through. As I said to Jasminah (if I got her story straight), women who agree to such a marriage have to take responsibility for it. Of course the men will account for what they have done. The women suffer the consequences for what they have done, as well. Marriages are nothing to be ashamed of or hide. Ummof4 wrote a nice post about it. When a woman marries the man, she should get her rights to nights immediately the same as the first wife got hers.

    Anisa, as you stated, you covered up for him and lied to his wife about you and him. You were just as guilty as he was. Your son should be commended for not becoming a part of the lie. He was straight up and honest as he should be. By him telling the truth, the truth of what you mean to your husband came out.

    I can only say your husband is doing you a favor by divorcing you. Do you really want to be married to a person who has qualities such as the man you married? He has let you know that his lord is his wife and it is she that he serves. It’s time for you to pick up the pieces, put your life back together and move forward without that man.

    We all make mistakes in life. Ask Allah to forgive you for the wrong you’ve done. Ask Him to help you serve Him as HE (Allah) should be served, and put Him first. It’s the only way you will find any peace and contentment in your life on this planet, and have a shot at entering Jannah/Paradise. We’re here if you want to talk some more.

  • Alnisa

    August 4, 2015

    I wrote to this post a few weeks ago about my secret marriage. I was advised to tell the co wife the truth but was prevented from doing so by my “husband”, who, as you already mentioned in the post about secret marriages, was afraid of telling her the truth for fear she would leave him. He had me still hiding the truth, and in fact worst than that, had me telling lies to her saying our marriage was one of merely friendship, that there was no sex, no love, just companionship, he said he would try to get her to accept the marriage after she got over the initial shock of finding out about it. She didn’t get over it, and in fact for four months she put me through hell, turning up at my door shouting and calling me cruel things, also sending vicious texts. She demanded to know full details of what we did, and where, what was said between us etc. Because l loved this man l went along with what he asked and lied so as she would not leave him, all the time praying it would improve and being denied any rights at all, l saw him only a couple of times in those four months although he swore he loved me by texts, and whatssap. Its reached a critical point now because she phoned my son and asked him the true nature of our marriage, my son told her the truth, but she refuses to accept and now my husband has told me that because she has found out there was love sex that he will grant her demand to divorce me. I’m so sad, so unhappy at being so patient and trying my best to be alright with her and yet will be discarded like I’m a bag of dirty washing with no regard for my feelings or reputation. I have not been supported financially or emotionally throughout this four months and know l won’t be divorced fairly as Allah demands. I hope other women will see my post and not go through what l went through and be treated as l have by Muslims who pretend to the outside world to fear Allah, when in fact they do anything but fear Allah.

  • Ruqayyah

    July 7, 2015

    @Alnisa, it is stories like yours that have me being a strong advocate against secret marriages, I tell any sister I know is entering into one to not do it and be out in the open (funnily enough my husband recently admitted to having a secret wife).
    Secret marriages bring about huge amounts of pain to everyone involved when they are found out, for the first wife finding out after months or years can be quite heartbreaking. For the 2nd wife it is hard to be left alone and constantly sacrificing for someone else, and then be left in limbo when the 1st finds out and the husband is trying to pacify her. For the husband it can be quite hard as well, speaking to my husband I have realised the amount of pressure a secret like that can put on him. He regrets not spending time with his other wife, he feels guilty and felt guilty each day he was with her and I didn’t know. Right now your husband probably is scared of losing his other family, he feels you won’t be going anywhere yet so is trying to get things sorted over there thinking that his life with you is not at risk in any way. It will be quite a shock if you decide to leave and may give him a rude awakening (I don’t advise you to leave or threaten to leave).

    What’s done is done though, try to ride it out if possible, reach out to his 1st wife and understand why she is ‘hating you’, it can be quite hard to be confronted with the knowledge that there is a woman your husband has been spending time with that you had no idea about. Take care of yourself, use the benefits of Ramadan for your own self rather than worrying about her using it for forgiveness (it will take her a looooonnnnggg time to feel forgiving and you need to allow her to feel her emotions instead of trying to control her), we are in the last 10 days and approaching the night of decree so it is best if you spend your nights praying for this test to ease up. Only Allah can control the situation He is capable of turning the most stubborn co wife into 1 who accepts the situation. I can’t imagine how hard it is to not know what is going to happen or what is going on, but know that no matter what you can always be surprised by life’s events so just turn your hopes to Allah and know it’s going to be okay no matter what the outcome is.

  • anabellah

    July 7, 2015

    @Gail,

    It’s way true – crap happens and none of us usually want to take an objective look at the situation to see how we contributed to it. It so easy to blame someone else and put all the weight on another. Sometimes it takes others bringing stuff to our attention for us to open our eyes and see. Truth hurts, but a lot of times, it’s what we need.

    Not, only that. NO ONE HAS a life that is what they imagined it to be or wanted it to be, but no one is telling anyone it. We are told we can have what we want, be what we want and do what we want if we put our minds to it and work at achieving it. How it that working for everyone – snicker

  • Gail

    July 7, 2015

    Alnisa,
    Welcome to the blog I read your post and I agree with u that getting married in secret with the first wife and his family not knowing is a huge mistake but I will tell u this as well.I got married with my husbands family and first wife knowing and it was equally a disaster because my husband married me for immigration and his family and wife were in on it.Soo in saying that I have kinda come to the conclusion that whatever is meant to be will be.Now I am not advocating being a secret wife but instead I am saying that crap happens unfortunately.I think it is good the cat is out of the bag and it is also good u r seeing yourself what kind of people your husbands family is.Don’t take so much hard on his wife because all this is a huge shocker for her and she was innocent in the entire deal.His family is sticking beside the first wife simply because they more than likely have kids together and their marriage may have been a arranged marriage.The truth is your husband screwed u when he did not confess to u before marriage that he knew his family would not accept u if they come to find out and he is the one u need to be focused on now.I want to also say u r not innocent in this mess either although u may feel u are.What I mean is u should have thought ahead and demanded he told his family before u married him and met them so u were clear on their feelings.It would have saved u all this mess u r going through now but again u might not had thought of that at the time so don’t beat yourself up over it now.Just concentrate on your husband get him to your home and demand him to give u your rights since everything is out in the open.Send your cowife back a text and tell her your thoughts on all this and tell her u r not the enemy here.Be strong and get your point across and fight for your marriage unless u end up divorced is my thoughts.

  • anabellah

    July 5, 2015

    @Everyone, As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All

    You have to determine what you believe and if this blog is for you. As I’ve stated, this is a pro-polygamy blog with emphasis on Islam. Most Muslim here are here trying to accept Allah’s will. It’s what Islam is about – submission to His will in Islam.

    If a person believe they’ve got all this free will that the unbelievers believe, then they’ll have a problem here. They’ll have a problem because we don’t sit around here talking about how awful men, polygamy and Islam are. We’re not here telling women to run up out of their marriages and flee. It’s not what this blog is about.

    It’s really a blog for those who want to worship and serve Allah for which He created us, with a goal of entering Jannah/Paradise. When we do it, Allah says He gives the believers comfort and ease in this life. He relieves their suffering. He gives them ease. They have peace and contentment.

    Allah says those who believe as the unbelivers believe are equally unbelievers. He says if we follow the common run of people on earth we will go astray. It’s the bottom line.

    Each one of you must determine if this is the blog for you or not.

  • anabellah

    July 5, 2015

    Dear Farah,

    Another thing I wanted to mention is I’m familiar with what you spoke of about the “Self-fulling Prophecy”. It’s all what unbelievers have come up with. I don’t follow the ologies. Sociology, psychology etc. I go with the explanations that Allah gives us in the Holy Quran, and try to live my life by it. It why I reject the low self-esteem theory and all else they’ve come up with. Allah gives Believers the Truth – the Holy Quran, which is what I go with. Science, Math, physics etc is a different ballgame. We could use that type of knowledge.

    People are quick to blame men for women suffering when Allah tells us in the Holy Quran that we each get exactly what we deserve – no more and no less. Allah is a “Just God”. He has a reason for all that He does – all that He decreed. We, with our limited knowledge and understanding, don’t know why Allah does what He does. He says we get every good we earn and suffer for the evil/bad that we’ve earned. It’s only out of His Mercy that we all will not go to the Fire based on what we do.

  • anabellah

    July 5, 2015

    @Dear farah,

    I think most Muslims or a lot of Muslims don’t realize that when I speak of free will and not having it, it means that we live life as though we’re actually making the decisions and have a choice but in REALITY ALLAH, the all Powerful is the one that has orchestrated everything. He wrote the script before we were born when He created the earth, the heavens and all between. Allah lets us know it through out the Quran. We are still accountable for everything we do, think etc.

  • farah

    July 5, 2015

    Dear Ana,

    I learned it the hard way that I can only find love if I learn to love myself. If I think I don’t deserve better then the situation won’t get better it’s like a self fulfilling prophecy.. At least it was for me. Especially when you grow up without healthy relationships from your parents, it leads to assuming even unhealth abusive relationships are okay.

    I think were we disagree is on the concept of Islam and free will.

    The Prophet said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman, (otherwise) you will be a loser.”

    Allah’s Messenger (saws) said, ‘When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption.’

    Thus, although Allah Subhanah Knows exactly who will marry whom in His Perfect and Absolute Knowledge of everything in existence, man is under no compulsion. He has to use his intelligence and power of reasoning and choose the partner that is most suitable for him for his life in this world and the Hereafter. Had the choice of partners been pre-determined like one’s parents, relatives, place of birth, place of death, etc., the Messenger of Allah would not have guided the believers to overlook the transient and short-lived aspects of wealth, and beauty, and lineage when seeking a partner in marriage, and choose a righteous religious woman if he indeed wanted to be successful in his marriage.

    Whenever something is pre-determined, like one’s looks, one’s parents and relatives, one’s place and time of birth or death, etc. one has absolutely no choice and thus one is not accountable for such incidents or happenings. But wherever one has a choice to act according to his will,he will be accountable for his choice.

    So yes I think we have an active role in this matter.

    As for polygamy I think it is unfortunate that so many men are so ignorant to the requirements of engaging in polygamy. It is such a serious matter and is restrictive because of its seriousness. It cannot be taken lightly and engaged in merely for the relief of one’s sexual desires without any consideration for the way in which it is undertaken.

    And yes you are completely right no one has the ideal perfect mate but for me what Alnisa describes is so extreme that I’m not sure if the term “mate” can even be used for her husband…

  • anabellah

    July 4, 2015

    @farah & Alnisa,

    farah, you mentioned to Alnisa that she should check why she fell in love and stayed with a man with such a weak character. Are you Muslim, farah? If you are, you would know we don’t decided who we fall in love with. Allah places love in the heart of men and women. Allah decides who our mates are. Alnisa fell in love with the man because It’s what Allah decided for her for whatever reason. Allah knows best the reason.

    About the man whom she married character being weak, we all are weak in some shape, form or fashion. No one has the ideal, perfect mate and no one is perfect. We all have weaknesses. It’s a matter of whether we individually work on ourselves to improve ourselves with the help and permission of Allah or we just continue to be as we are.

    You spoke to Alnisa about her self-esteem, which I really can’t get with the self-esteem thing. It’s some psychological term that gets tossed around. Nonetheless, how much do you think you help her with her self worth by saying she CHOSE to fall in love with a loser, so to speak? I’m just saying.

    You asked how she could trust such a man. Allah tells us to trust no one, but Him. He says those who trust put their trust in Him. So yes, she should not have trusted her husband. We shouldn’t trust anyone, but Allah

    I get a feeling you’re an anti-polygamist based on your last two posts on this blog.

  • farah

    July 4, 2015

    Dear Alnisa,

    that’s really a very sad story…
    I totally agree with Ana that you should talk to you husband and give him this choice: “It is time for him to man up to his wife, and let her know you are his wife and family, as well, OR he needs to divorce you.”

    This is might be a way for you to get out of this frustrating situation.

    But in addition I also think you need to look into your heart and ask yourself why you agreed to live like this in the first place.

    Maybe you need to work on your self-esteem. Of course most of us have mixed opinions of ourselves, but if you feel that you have no true worth and are not entitled to the good things in life, this means your self-esteem is low. And low self-esteem can have a painful and damaging effect on your life.

    I also think you should check why you fell in love and stayed with a man with such a weak character. He kept you a secret he lied to his wife and by this caused her lots of pain. Were you not afraid when you married him that if he is capable of all this that maybe he could do similar or worse things to you in the future? I mean how can you even trust such a man?

    Get out of this situation, move on and work on yourself to make sure this will never again happen to you would be my advice.

  • anabellah

    July 4, 2015

    @Alnisa, Welcome to the 411. Ramadan Mubarak ! 🙂

    It saddens me to hear of what is happening to you. Other ladies have come to this blog who have been secret wives. They had problems with the status the same as you. You’re not alone by a long shot. You’ve just got jammed up. It’s not the end of the world. It could be a good beginning. No one has a perfect life. Life is what it is. We live it and learn it.

    It seems to me that your husband has you in the holding pattern that Allah speaks of in the Holy Quran. He tells men not to leave women as if hanging in the air – suspended, meaning they feel as though they don’t have a husband. It applies to a husband who won’t give his wife the rights she’s entitled to as a wife, but won’t divorce her either. Your husband will have to account to Allah for what he has done. Insha Allah, he’ll come to realize just how wrong he is, will repent to Allah and seek His forgiveness and mercy. Insha Allah, he’ll do everything he can to do right by you; although it’s not happening right now.

    He wronged his own soul in marrying you, knowing his wife would object and he’d have to keep you a secret. There is no room for secret marriages. Polygamy is allowed and there is no reason for a man to hide a wife from his other family. If your husband felt so strongly about not upsetting and disrupting the lives of his other family, it was a sign for him that he shouldn’t be bothered with you. It was a sign that he needed to remain monogamous. He cared about his other family by not wanting them to know of you and he cared about himself by marrying you despite what it put you through. Where was the care for you? It was all about his wants, wishes and desires.

    You mustn’t beat up on yourself. He will pay for what he’s done, as will she for refusing to accept what Allah has decreed – polygamy and that the man whom she is married to marry another. Allah decided the man would be your husband. Her husband married you, which was within his right and it was meant to be. We know it was meant to be as it did happen. Even if she is hurt and upset, which is understandable, she has no right to demand he divorce you. He’s even in more hot water as he apparently has made his other wife his Lord. It is a serious sin. It’s shirk. He fear His other wife more than he fears Allah. He pretty much gave you the status of a mistress. A Muslim’s life shouldn’t resemble that of a non-believer.

    You mustn’t beat up on yourself. What has happened to you was meant to happen for whatever reason. It’s a lesson for others who read here who are considering being someone’s secret wife. Perhaps someone out there will take heed. Ask Allah to forgive you and have mercy on you, if you’ve done something wrong in this.

    You now need to see where you go from here. It is time for him to man up to his wife, and let her know you are his wife and family, as well, OR he needs to divorce you. You need to turn to Allah and seek His guidance and help in this. I doubt you want to be on the sideline for the rest of your life, waiting for him to drop by, sneak off to you for a booty call. There may come a time when you will have to forget about love, have him divorce you or seek out a divorce and move forward with your life.

    Insha Allah, try to enjoy the remainder of this Ramadan – this blessed month. It’s a good time for you to reflect on Allah, drawer nearer to him, read Quran, offer your salats, zikr. Allah is with you. You’ve got your angels with you. You are never alone. We’re here as well. Stop in and chat anytime. Sometimes it seems I’m the only one talking to anyone, but it’s okay, as long as it’s okay with you. We can chat

  • Alnisa

    July 3, 2015

    I married a muslim man secretly five years ago. I knew nothing about Islam at all but read and learned a lot. I took my shahada on the day l married him. I don’t really understand how l ended up marrying a man already married, but all l know is l loved him. We remained married secretly for five years. I never tried to make him tell his first wife or demanded my proper rights, he has never once stayed over night with me, apart from the day we mrried. I always thought that if was not fair to let his first wife be hurt in any way. She recently found out about our marriage, someone told her, and has refused to accept me demanding he divorce me. He says he doesn’t want to do this, yet for three months I’ve been left not having hardly any contact with him, and have been verbally abused via texts from her. I feel so alone and like our marriage meant nothing to him, even though he told me many times that our marriage was legitimate. My family always knew about our marriage from day one, although none of them were present at the time of the marriage. His family have only recently found out and are refusing to acknowledge it as a legitimate marriage. I don’t know what to do, l am in such emotional pain, and this is Ramadan, a time of forgiveness, yet l sit alone, hated by her, and in a state of being married, yet unmarried. I would not advise getting married in secret to anyone, no matter how much love you feel.

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2015

    halimah,

    Furthermore, you said you stayed in your marriage for the sake of Allah. You need to rethink the reason that you stayed. Islam doesn’t force anyone to stay in an unhappy marriage. You clearly was unhappy.

    If you stayed seeking the good pleasure of Allah, you’d be here at polygamy 411 trying to accept polygamy, which is part of a Muslim’s way of life – Islam.

    No, halimah. My guess is you stayed because you don’t want to be without a husband. You don’t want a divorce and to have to start all over with 6 kids in tow. He must contribute to your household financially to some degree and you stayed for it, as well. You probably stayed out of fear of the unknown and what your life would be like not in the marriage. There may be some more reasons – which does not include, for the sake of Allah. Allah didn’t need you to stay in the marriage. Muslims are supposed to accept polygamy because, as I stated, it’s part of a Muslim’s way of life. Who are you to object to something Allah has allowed for men – including your husband, as your husband did become polygamous?

    Maybe if you didn’t come here barking at us, I may have shown you some compassion and understanding in my response to you.

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2015

    halimah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Based on what you shared with us, your husband did what he was supposed to do. He let you know he was thinking about becoming polygamous. You expressed your objections. He then did what Allah allowes men to do – he became polygamous. He knew you were totally against him marrying another, so he did what he thought he had to do – he married secretly.

    Your husband shouldn’t have any regrets about it having not worked out with the other. He should use it as a learning experience. It’s life…

    People will have problems and issues in all marriages whether the marriage is monogamous or polygamous. Polygamy isn’t only about a wife who married her husband first and her personal issues. Allah gave the man permission to become polygamous. Get over yourself.

  • halimah

    June 27, 2015

    Wow, I think that it’s simple minded to say the least,that the first wife has a problem with Islam and is a problem if she has an issue with her husband taking another wife (astaghfurAllah)! How do you make such a bias judgment!? Issues with polygamy are far from black and white!My husband introduced the ideal to me and for several LOGICAL and common sense reasons (lack of finances, lack of income, he barely knew her also we had 5 children and he’s a hands on father also the other one lived an hour or so away), I was against it for OUR FAMILY. I very known plenty of muslim as in polygamy and have seen them do it beautifully but it’s not for everyone. He married anyway without my knowledge.Although I didn’t know it put a strain on our relationship and family. I found out a year later that he had and she had just had a baby (I had also, our 6th). I was beyond heart broken but stayed for the sake of Allah, displeases all the problems that it brought in several ways. 4th after I found out, they divorced, turns out the child she gave birth to wasn’t his (yes she was muslim). My husband now regrets it. It was more than he could handle, should a list ended to wife lol.

  • coco

    January 8, 2015

    Leaving is hard. Losing is harder. So a few weeks ago I asked the question, ‘why do people have to leave each other?’ The answer took me into some of my life’s deepest realizations and struggles. But it has also led me to wonder: After people leave, do they ever return? After something we love is taken from us, does it ever come back? Is loss permanent—or just a means for a higher purpose? Is loss the End itself, or a temporary cure for our heart’s ailments?
    There’s something amazing about this life. The very same worldly attribute that causes us pain is also what gives us relief: Nothing here lasts. What does that mean? It means that the breathtakingly beautiful rose in my vase will wither tomorrow. It means that my youth will neglect me. But it also means that the sadness I feel today will change tomorrow. My pain will die. My laughter won’t last forever—but neither will my tears. We say this life isn’t perfect. And it isn’t. It isn’t perfectly good. But, it also isn’t perfectly bad, either.
    Allah (glorified is He) tells us in a very profound ayah (verse): “Verily with hardship comes ease.” (Qur’an, 94:5). Growing up I think I understood this ayah wrongly. I used to think it meant: after hardship comes ease. In other words, I thought life was made up of good times and bad times. After the bad times, come the good times. I thought this as if life was either all good or all bad. But that is not what the ayah is saying. The ayah is saying WITH hardship comes ease. The ease is at the same time as the hardship. This means that nothing in this life is ever all bad (or all good). In every bad situation we’re in, there is always something to be grateful for. With hardship, Allah also gives us the strength and patience to bear it.
    If we study the difficult times in our lives, we will see that they were also filled with much good. The question is – which do we chose to focus on? I think the trap we fall into is rooted in this false belief that this life can be perfect—perfectly good or perfectly bad. But that’s not the nature of dunya (this life). That’s the nature of the hereafter. The hereafter is saved for the perfection of things. Jannah (paradise) is perfectly and completely good. There is no bad in it. And Jahannam (hell – may Allah protect us) is perfectly and completely bad. There is no good in it.
    By not truly understanding this reality, I myself would become consumed by the momentary circumstances of my life (whether good or bad). I experienced each situation in its’ full intensity—as if it was ultimate or would never end. The way I was feeling at the moment transformed the whole world and everything in it. If I was happy in that moment, past and present, near and far, the entire universe was good for that moment. As if perfection could exist here. And the same happened with bad things. A negative state consumed everything. It became the whole world, past and present, the entire universe was bad for that moment. Because it became my entire universe, I could see nothing outside of it. Nothing else existed for that moment. If you wronged me today, it was because you no longer cared about me—not because this was one moment of a string of infinite moments which happened to be tinted that way, or because you and I and this life just aren’t perfect. What I was experiencing or feelings at that instant replaced context, because it replaced my entire vision of the world.
    I think in our experiential nature, some of us may be especially susceptible to this. Perhaps that is the reason we can fall prey to the “I’ve never seen good from you” phenomenon which the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) referred to in his hadith. Perhaps some of us say or feel this way because at that moment, experientially we really haven’t seen good, because our feeling at that instant replaces, defines and becomes everything. Past and present becomes rolled up into one experiential moment.
    But, the true realization that nothing is complete in this life transforms our experience of it. We suddenly stop being consumed by moments. In the understanding that nothing is limitless here, that nothing here is kamil (perfect, complete), Allah enables us to step outside of moments and see them for what they are: not universes, not Reality, past and present, just that—a single moment in a string of infinite moments…and that they too shall pass.
    When I cry or lose or bruise, so long as I am still alive, nothing is ultimate. So long as there is still a tomorrow, a next moment, there is hope, there is change, there is redemption. What is lost, is not lost forever.
    So in answering the question of whether what is lost comes back, I study the most beautiful examples. Did Yusuf return to his father? Did Musa return to his mother? Did Hajar return to Ibrahim? Did health, wealth and children return to Ayoub? From these stories we learn a powerful and beautiful lesson: what is taken by Allah is never lost. In fact, it is only what is with Allah that remains. Everything else vanishes. Allah (swt) says, “What is with you must vanish: what is with Allah will endure. And We will certainly bestow, on those who patiently persevere, their reward according to the best of their actions.” (Quran 16:96)
    So, all that is with Allah, is never lost. In fact the Prophet ﷺ has said: “You will never give up a thing for the sake of Allah (swt), but that Allah will replace it for you with something that is better for you than it.” (Ahmad) Did not Allah take the husband of Umm Salimah, only to replace him with the Prophet ﷺ?
    Sometimes Allah takes in order to give. But, it’s crucial to understand that His giving is not always in the form we think we want. He knows best what is best. Allah says: “… But it is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knows, and you know not.” (Quran 2:216)
    But if something is going to be returned in one form or another, why is it taken at all? Subhan’Allah. It is in the process of ‘losing’ that we are given.
    Allah gives us gifts. But then we often become dependent on those gifts, instead of Him. When He gives us money, we depend on the money—not Him. When He gives us people, we depend on people—not Him. When He gives us status or power, we depend on, and become distracted by these things. When Allah gives us health, we become deceived. We think we will never die.
    Allah gives us gifts, but then we come to love them as we should only love Him. We take those gifts and inject them into our hearts, until they take over. Soon we cannot live without them. Every waking moment is spent in contemplation of them, in submission and worship to them. The mind and the heart that was created by Allah, for Allah, becomes the property of someone or something else. And then the fear comes. The fear of loss begins to cripple us. The gift—that should have remained in our hands—takes over our heart, so the fear of losing it consumes us. Soon, what was once a gift becomes a weapon of torture and a prison of our own making. How can we be freed of this? At times, in His infinite mercy, Allah frees us…by taking it away.
    As a result of it being taken, we turn to Allah wholeheartedly. In that desperation and need, we ask, we beg, we pray. Through the loss, we reach a level of sincerity and humility and dependence on Him which we would otherwise not reach—had it not been taken from us. Through the loss, our hearts turn entirely to face Him.
    What happens when you first give a child a toy or the new video game he’s always wanted? He becomes consumed by it. Soon he wants to do nothing else. He sees nothing else. He doesn’t want to do his work or even eat. He’s hypnotized to his own detriment. So what do you do, as a loving parent? Do you leave him to drown in his addiction and complete loss of focus and balance? No.
    You take it away.
    Then, once the child has regained focus of his priorities, regained sanity and balance, once things are put in their proper place in his heart and mind and life, what happens? You give the gift back. Or perhaps something better. But this time, the gift is no longer in his heart. It is in its proper place. It is in his hand.
    Yet in that process of taking, the most important thing happened. The losing and regaining of the gift is inconsequential. The taking of your heedlessness, your dependence and focus on other than Him, and the replacing it with remembrance, dependence and focus only on Him was the real gift. Allah withholds to give.
    And so sometimes, the ‘something better’ is the greatest gift: nearnesss to Him. Allah took the daughter of Malik Ibn Dinar in order to save him. He took his daughter, but replaced her with protection from the hell-fire and salvation from a painful life of sin and distance from Him. Through the loss of his daughter, Malik ibn Dinar was blessed with a life spent in nearness to Allah. And even that which was taken (his daughter) would remain with Malik ibn Dinar forever in Jannah.
    Ibn ul Qayyim (may Allah be pleased with him) speaks about this phenomenon in his book, Madarij Al Salikin. He says: “The divine decree related to the believer is always a bounty, even if it is in the form of withholding (something that is desired); and it is a blessing, even if it appears to be a trial and an affliction that has befallen him; it is in reality a cure, even though it appears to be a disease!”
    So to the question, ‘once something is lost, does it return?’ the answer is yes. It returns. Sometimes here, sometime there, sometimes in a different, better form. But the greatest gift lies beneath the taking and the returning. Allah tells us: “Say, ‘In the bounty of Allah and in His mercy – in that let them rejoice; it is better than what they hoard.’” (Quran, 10:58)
    Yasmin Mogahed, excerpt from Reclaim Your Heart

  • coco

    January 8, 2015

    Ana
    Walaikuasalaam sister! I’ve been looking into reading something I will definitely check out “If You Hear Hoofbeats, think of a Zebra” on Amazon. Thanks for the suggestion ☺️ This passage is something I hold very close to me, I think it’s a constant reminder to ourselves to never ever give up, never be hopeless, never feel alone for Allah is always with us and in control of ALL. I forgot to include credit that Yasmin Mogahed wrote it. She wrote “Reclaim Your Heart” and I really thing it’s essential anyone in despair should definitely read it. I was scrolling through Facebook today and she posted an excerpt from this book. Sorry but I just have to share it with you! I will on a separate post in case you don’t feel it fits here. Enjoy love! ❤️ xo

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2015

    @coco, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I love the “What is Your Heart Looking at?” that you shared with us. You have been sharing some really good stuff with us all. I had read something similar to “What is Your Heart Looking at?” It pertains to dogs and their masters. It’s in the book, “If You Hear Hoofbeats, think of a Zebra” by Shem Friedlander. If you haven’t yet read the book, I think you would very much enjoy it. It was out of print for a while, but is available now. I think it’s a very good read. I can get with a lot that you share with us and I really enjoy reading it. They are very good reminders. Alhumdulliah.

  • Gail

    January 6, 2015

    Za,
    Sorry I am late on welcoming u to the group.
    I read your post and I am really sorry u are having a hard time with your husband.He sounds like he is into the second wife.I am surprised he has the nerve to disrespect your dad when your parents are helping u guys.If I were u you I would not let him under any circumstance disrespect u because that is part of the problem.I am not saying that u r allowing it but if u are then please stop that ASAP and make him respect u.It more than likely will not pay off right away but believe me down the road he will respect u.I am very big on not letting anyone disrespect.

  • coco

    January 6, 2015

    za
    I’m so glad to see you back sister! ☺️ that’s great you must be excited to have your father back! So happy for you. I’m sure your situation is taking a toll on you as you don’t just have polygany to upset you but your husband’s insensitive behaviour must be excessively taxing to deal with. May Allah give you patience in this testing time inshAllah you’re in my duas! Much love to you and we are here for you whenever you feel the need to vent. I’m going to leave you with something that I’ve posted here before, I have turned to these words whenever I feel defeated from within… xo ❤️

    What is Your Heart Looking at?
    Often what makes us fall into despair is focusing on the wrong things. For example, if we’ve sinned, we focus on the sin, rather than the Most Merciful. If we’re broken, we focus on the break instead of Al Jabbar, the One who mends. If we are in pain, we focus on the pain itself, instead of on the One who removes all pain. If we are wounded, we focus on the wound instead of on the One who heals all wounds. If we’re scared, we focus on the fear, instead of the Protector. And if we’re facing a problem, we see the problem, but not the One who can solve it. We see the lion, but not the lion tamer. We see the imperfections of dunya, but not the perfection of Allah. We see the immediate, but not the Tomorrow, the tree, but not the fruit, the thorn, but not the rose. All our pain, all our despair, all our hopelessness, stems from looking at the creation, instead of the Creator.
    Ask yourself: what is your heart looking at?

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2015

    Za, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good to hear from you.I’m glad you stopped in. Alhumdulliah your dad is returning from Ummrah. You must be excited to see him. Insha Allah, things will begin to change for the better since he has made duah for you while at Ummrah.

    You’re doing good with trying to keep a good mind set and your spirits high despite the circumstances. Continue to ask Allah to give you patience, strength, guidance and to help you. All will be good. Don’t give up. You’ve got to keep fighting the battle (your personal jihad), push through it and pass the test. You can do it!

    Za, stay in touch with us here when you can.

  • za

    January 6, 2015

    Slm sister i knw i hav been really quite jst been trying to get my life sorted b4 i return to wrk on thursday in shaa allah.no much has changed his still the same inconsiderate…rude…not catering to my needs or kids…never has money,jst pays the rent…but Algamdulillah me n kids r stil alive n breathing n shukr Allah for my supportive fam.hope u all r well.jst checkd in to say hi hav to cook for dads return frm umrah mwa much love

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2014

    Mari2,

    I know that’s right – about having your home to yourself. It’s a nice feeling. I can’t imagine having a guest in my home. I have them go to a hotel. I have paid for people to go to a hotel. My home is my sanctuary LOL. When I’m home alone, I live in an oversized Tee Shirt and undies.

    Now speaking of saved plastic bags. I can get with that one. I’ve got a thing for re-using plastic bags from grocery shopping. I’m a bag lady when it comes to those LOL. Say what??? Bones on the floor? Sounds like some caveman behavior – like Bam Bam from the Flintstones.

    Wow, you and Fatima would have a lot to talk about when it comes to the problem of wudu water. I think your MIL probably saved every thing left over due to coming from an impoverished country.

    I had been thinking about doing some travel some places such as to Turkey or Greece, but now I’m reconsidering at least for the time being, despite the fact that ISL is in Turkey. I’m not feeling the long flights right about now or the change in lifestyle. Who knows? Maybe my motivation will return somewhere down the road.

    Mari2, enjoy your solitude while the MIL is away. 🙂

    Say what

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2014

    Mari2,

    I’m sorry for the late approval of your post. I somehow skipped over it earlier while I was on my phone.

    @Everyone, As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello,

    Insha Allah, everyone is having a wonderful day or night – whichever it is where you are on the planet 🙂

    Remember, whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

  • Mari2

    December 30, 2014

    15 more days until MIL returns to Pakistan!!!! But who’s counting? I will say she has been a good house guest and I’m sure this experience with her aloof DIL has been difficult too. She has cooked for M and taken a chore off my hands… However, I am soooooooooooooooo looking forward to having my home to myself! Simple things are on my agenda: Go to the bathroom with the door open. Walk around in my underwear in the morning. Use the dishwasher regularly. Vacuum without breaking the machine. No wudu water all over bathroom floor. No eating of beef in bedroom and casting bones on the floor???? In fact, no eating meals in bedrooms. I can rid my kitchen of every saved plastic bag(grocery, vegetable and used zip lock) and containers. No more buggy, imported from Pakistan, flour (wait…I got rid of that already while screaming and holding the canister aloft as if it contained a grenade). Sorry, but I detest weevils and NO I will not sift them out in order to eat what you make from the flour. I’m going to need a serious degreaser for the stove even though I’ve tried to be on top of that. I failed. And the fridge and the smidges of food saved for some reason. Can we not throw away the tbs of haleem left in the container? Whom are we saving it for? Why did I reach into the freezer thinking the bag of frozen corn actually held more than 4 kernels? Who on earth puts a bag of corn in the freezer with only 4 kernels remaining?

  • Mari2

    December 29, 2014

    I was disturbed by the servant thing though while in Pakistan. M reminded me today when he showed me a picture of a wedding full of made-up, dressed up girls and unhappy looking servant girls captured in the background of the photo. When in Pakistan, one of his Aunts whom I suppose is reasonably wealthy arrived with a servant girl in the afternoon. The servant girl was left sitting outside while chachi was in the home with family members. Then it was nighttime and very cold as is was December. All members of the family were inside except for the servant girl. I noticed and went outside and sat beside her. M came outside and asked me why I was out in the cold. I got pretty pissed that servant girl was left in the cold and nobody cared. So M told his aunt I wanted the girl brought inside so she did. It was just the weirdest thing for me since “servant girls” before that time were nothing more than members of my own family’s past history. But once in a while M will say when I get all worked up about something or another…”Well you can always demand she bring the servant out of the cold.”

  • Mari2

    December 29, 2014

    @Ana
    It’s nice to know that I am not alone in the “like my space” department. I do have friends, I just don’t need to hang with them constantly. One reason why I think M and I have a good marriage is because he and I have differing shifts: I work days and he works overnight shift and we meet on the weekends. It’s the perfect relationship for me. I once joked with my mom that I would have made the perfect, upper class, Edwardian/Victorian wife. Separate apartments for both husband and wife, and they would occasionally meet for dinner or events. Separate wings of the home and servants. Absolutely a prime marriage setup for me. That’s why the schedule thing in polygamy works for me. I do not require nor desire a 24/7 attentive to me kinda husband. Too much M and I begin to chafe and chomp at the bit. And it works for M too because he is ridiculously busy at work and has zero time/energy to deal with a needy (gimmee time) girl. So we mesh well schedule-wise.

  • Shabanah

    December 25, 2014

    Za

    Im so sad to hear this. Coco is right, not sure if she posted it in this discussion or another but she was basically saying one persons happiness is our happiness and same goes for sadness. Ana is right. I think you two should consider separating temporarily. During that time you can work on yourself. See how you do without him. You never know you could turn out very happy. You deserve better. A maintainer, someone who respects you and your parents.

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2014

    Za, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You said your husband doesn’t respect your dad. It sounds he doesn’t respect anyone or anything accept what he wants.

    I feel very sad for you. I’m glad to hear your dad has left for Ummrah and will make duah for you there.

    It seems it would be better for you, if he were to just leave. We don’t know what Allah’s plan is. You have to try to be patient and let His plan unfold, if you don’t want to leave him. You are within your right to leave him, based on all that you have said thus far. We know no one can do anything unless Allah wills it.

    You need to take a good look at your life, and ask yourself if you have been doing all you can to serve and worship Allah the way He tells us. Sometimes He has things happen to us so that we will return to him, repent and seek His forgiveness. It’s a way for us to drawer nearer to Allah.

    Have you loved your husband more than Allah and put him first? Sometimes Allah turns the things that we love more than Him against us, whether it be a spouse or children. We shouldn’t love anything or anyone more than Allah or we suffer the consequences. It’s food for thought.

    Things will work out. Try to be calm and don’t stress. Try to leave him be for the time being. He may not understand what’s happening himself. He did bring things home to show he was thinking of you; although it wasn’t what you wanted or needed. You both are going through a thing now.

  • za

    December 24, 2014

    Aslm sisters..finding myslf in tears tonight ai man it is jst all hurting.my dad went on umrah today algamdulilah sad seeing him leave but also pleased knwing his going to the best place to ask Allah to guide me i.a.hub wasnt even ere to greet my dad but then again he doesnt respect my parents…dont tlk or greet them so wat did i expect a miracle ya right.got home jst b4 eisha namaz due to him goin to his wife 1st..bought alota junk food n luxuries but i dnt want that i want wat money cannot buy.turned his bck on me n jst went to slpyet rytnw i am craving jst being held by my husband.yet all i get r excuses y doesnt this man jst leave y is he treating me like dirt does he get enjoyment out torturing me because he knws hw much i love him.

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2014

    Za,

    Another thing; she was his girlfriend before he married you. There was a reason things didn’t work out between them way back when. Allah knows best whether it will work now. We don’t know what Allah has decided for tomorrow. Don’t worry. Everything will be okay.

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2014

    Za, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    My thought is that your situation doesn’t sound good. Your husband is not nice to you. He disrespects you. He talks badly to you by cursing at you. He tell you to divorce him or sometimes say he will go see the Imam and divorce you. You have to plead with him for intimacy. He rushes off to his other wife whenever he has an excuse or opportunity. He only partially supports you. He has a habit of lying. Where is the good

    You are in a good place in that you live with your parents and they have been supporting you. You are more fortunate than many. Some women have to stay with husband, as the wives have no place to go and they rely on the husband for sustenance. You aren’t one of those women, so thank Allah much.

    I suggest you seriously think about separating from him for a while. There is an oath of Abstention that you and he could take that Allah speaks of in the Quran. You separate for four months and if you reconcile it’s good or if you divorce it’s all good. This would give you two an opportunity to see whether your marriage could work. It would allow him to go live with his other wife and get a taste of what it’s like being around her regularly. It would give him an opportunity to see if he misses you and love you enough to make the marriage work. If he does, perhaps he will begin to treat you better and respect you as he should.

    I suggest you speak with your parents about it. Let them know what has been going on. If you make your intent to separate from your husband, let your parents know that you would appreciate their help as much as they can. They have already been helping you, so I doubt there would be a problem.

    One thing I’d recommend is that you don’t plead with your husband for anything, as it would only make him turn away from you and disrespect you more.

    You need to turn to Allah and seek His help and guidance in this and all matters. Insha Allah, you’ll get the answer as to whether your marriage can be salvaged.

  • ummof4

    December 24, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    za, I will make du’ah that Allah improves your condition. As Coco stated, sometimes when a husband knows that his wife’s family will provide for them, he doesn’t work very hard in being the sole provider for his family. You have always lived with your parents, so why change now? You have always depended on your parents for money, so why change now? That may be your husband’s thinking. That is why it is so vital for the husband to be the sole or primary financial provider for the family. He is obeying Allah, and he earns the respect of his wife, children, family and community.

    Your husband says that he married his wife to help her financially, but you know he didn’t. He married her because he wanted to, plain and simple. She married him because she wanted to, plain and simple. He may have lied to her about his financial situation and his marital situation.

    Your husband sounds like he is still in the honeymoon phase with his new wife. He is afraid to lose her, so he dances to the beat of her drum. She is his new love and he is infatuated with her. He runs to her for comfort when he feels you don’t appreciate him. She is probably feeling very important right now.

    Since you have been married for years, your husband feels comfortable with you. He figures you love him and the children and will not divorce him, even though he has said that you can.

    You say you, your husband and your children live with your parents. Can they speak to him about the way he is treating you? Does he respect their advice? Or is there someone else whose advice he respects?

    Ask Allah for guidance and strength in this test. Do more acts of worship. Make a list of the pros and cons of staying married to your husband. Make a list of the pros and cons in your marriage. Make a list of the pros and cons of your husband. If you can’t talk to your husband without him getting upset, write him a letter or make a video for him to watch stating how you feel and what you would like to happen in your marriage.

    May Allah grant all of us the sweetness of emaan(proper faith in Him).

  • coco

    December 24, 2014

    Za
    Thank you for enlightening us a bit more of what’s going on in your life. I am so sorry you’re in a situation that can drive anyone into despair. No woman deserves to have to put up with the unnecessary lies that only makes one feel belittled and disrespected to say the least. A man who jumps into polygamy should ONLY if he has the maturity to handle the wives fairly and equally which your husband is clearly failing to do. Sometimes in polygamous marriages a woman enters with intentions to just spread malice not work on becoming a family unit but rather working on snatching the husband and tear him away from his life with his first wife and children. These mean spirited woman somehow magically wrap a man around their fingers and then aim to poison the life he has until he’s left with just her and that’s when his time to pay for his wrong doings comes in. It got under my skin to read that he doesn’t provide sufficient money for your kids to even attend school and he’s jumped into another marriage to supposably help care for a woman and kids with no provider! Completely mind boggling! I don’t know what country he’s from but if he’s from Pakistan or India I don’t see how he can bear taking money from his wife’s parents shamefully to provide for his kids. He’s able to take on another wife and her kids only because he knows that your parents will take care of you and your kids. That’s disgraceful! Za if you know this imam personally or know of him being a just man maybe you should have him mediate between you and your husband to set him straight. He needs to be told from another person about how wrong he is and what he needs to rectify as a husband and father being in a polyganous marriage. Your co-wife has no idea what she’s doing to herself, she’s harming herself more than you and your children. I would pity her for she is decaying her soul. Za if you choose to stay in this marriage then stay patient her intentions are tainted not yours, I don’t see lasting long in this pattern for long. He may grow sick of her ways in time either setting her straight or kicking her to the curb so hold faith in Allah pray for your husband’s hidayah and keep hope that your time will get better inshAllah! Much love sister you are NOT alone ❤️ xo

  • za

    December 23, 2014

    Salaam sisters…wow im overwhelmed by the support n welcoming i recieved here..may Allah bless all of u abundantly.coco..shabanah..anabellah..ummof4…marie.now i will go in detail as something just doesnt feel right to me.i hav come to accept him being married but wat i cannot fathem is the lies,belittling where my feelings or viewpoints gets disregarded,where i cannot say anything about his other wife he becomes defensive n rude.his at the point where he told me you either make this work or we end our marriage i feel trapped to b open n honest.as far as affection i have to beg him for it or initiate it which makes me feel as if im forcing myslf on him.his other wife chatted to me recently wen they had problems but then i realised c only chats to me wen she is trying to fish things out or when his by me n i stopped chatting.for the past 3weeks he stopped tlking or even greeting me until i got ill friday past n i had to ask him to him me which he says i keep doin to myslf.n the reason y he stopped tlkin to me was due to me telling him that weneva his by me ova a weekend he see the need to go do or take something to her..or c is ill..or they hav a issue to sort out…….but wen his by her the weekend he wnt even send a msg to ask if me or the kids r f9.then he got totally pissed n tld me f u im goi to the imam tomorrow to giv u wat u want.all i want is fairness n not openly showing who gets favoured more.as wer providing is concern its becoming a major issue becoz everything the kids needs he cannot do not even school fees i had to ask my parents to help me yet he took another wife with 3kids which he has to see too nw n which doesnt need financial help.whereas his own kids now has to get frm family due to him not being able to see to there neccessities n i also have 3 kids been living with my mom all my married life coz he could neva put me on a place of my own.i jst had a bby 7 mnths ago so currently on maternity leave which makes me even more dependant on him yet i cannot even b dependent onhim i hav to ask my parents help when im married….to a man that got married to another woman to help her financially lol its like a joke how his brain works.annabella u asked about the sneaky business…his selling fish illegally which i tld him if i eva see or hear of such things he needs to leave due to him already being caught n was imprisioned for a few days..but now he keeps telling me he doesnt do it anymore n if he has extra money he always has a story about the boss owe him money n paid it in.i hav to tel u guys this even the imam that married them was never tld he is a married man everything is a lie after a lie

  • coco

    December 23, 2014

    Za
    Walaikuasalaam sister! All the sisters did a great job in welcoming you so here’s another welcome to the blog from me ☺️ You’ve come to the right place hang in there and all the sisters will do a tremendous job in getting you to a better place I promise. The only thing I strongly suggest at the moment is to find your calm and try to keep yourself there because it won’t help you get your thoughts, aggrevation or hurt across to him if you both aren’t in a calm state. Have faith sister “As you start to walk out on the way, the way appears.” Rumi.
    Much love xo

  • Shabanah

    December 23, 2014

    Salaams. InshaAllah all of you are enjoying your day/night. May Allah envelope each and every one of you in His everlasting mercy, forgiveness, love and protection.

    Za 🙂

    Welcome to polygamy411. You’ve come to the right place. I’m Shabanah. Here you are surrounded by people who are going through it, been through it and who have made it through. I agree with the other ladies, as difficult as it may sound and i know its better said than done you MUST accept the situation for your own good. Stay in contact with your Allah. Dont let anyone steal your joy and make you feel less of a woman. It boils my blood to hear your husband is one of those men who walk out in the midst of a heated argument or disagreement and run to his other wife’s place instead of settling the issues between you two or simply hearing you out. I know it makes you feel useless as you’re left to sulk in your emotions while he has an alternative getaway. I advise you to persevere. Establish a stronger relationship with Allah. Speak to Him He is always there to listen. Much love and support from all of us. I will be in touch.

  • anabellah

    December 23, 2014

    za, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome

    You met two of our lovely blog family members, Marie and ummof4, who warmly welcomed you. Alhumdulliah for them and for you being here with us.

    What you’ve experienced thus far of polygamy sounds about right. It’s what happens a lot in these marriages. You said it happened all very fast. Yes, it usually goes that way. Usually it happens when first wives least expect it; although they probably never expected it. Some husbands lie, which is quite common, as well. Marie said something very important. The reason the husbands give for becoming polygamous doesn’t matter. Allah willed a polygamous marriage for you, him, and her. It’s the bottom line. Men will have excuses. We’ve heard the excuses here. She needed help or he complains about the problems that were occurring in the existing marriage as being the reason; although there are problems in all marriages. He, himself, may not know the reason, so he finds one. They usually never say they did it because they wanted to have sex with the woman. It’s one reason they usually don’t use. I wonder why? I liked what ummof4 said, as well; him marrying her is way better than that he commits adultery, which is a heinous offense.

    I understand that you are not certain you want to remain in the marriage. Most women CONSIDER divorce when their husbands first become polygamous. What bothers me about what you said is that you feel a need to be quiet. You said he swears at you and that if you annoy him, he leaves on your days to go spend them with her. You said he does “sneaky” business to maintain the families. Is “sneaky” like illicit business? Cuz, if it is, it’s not cool.

    You have a few things working against the marriage. He doesn’t seem to be patient with you. When men marry other women, they need to be waaaaay patient with the first wives because the wives could become off the chart. We women can, as coco says, go cray, cray, as in crazy. When you do go crazy, it’s not a reason for him to flee to his other wife. The marriage is ne. Now, if you chase him around the house with a knife and threaten to dismember him, for instance, then he has reason to leave. If you go crazy and are out of control for an unusual amount of time, then he needs to warn you to get yourself together and then maybe go sleep in another room, but to run off to the other wife, is unacceptable and to have you not be able to communicate your thoughts and feelings to him, is unacceptable. It’s all a form of oppression.

    You are married to him and only you know whether he is being unreasonable or not. Most first wives here have had husbands who are very, very understanding and patient with them. They show more love and affection towards them then they ever had in their entire marriage. Their marriage is taken to a higher level as they have to learn to communicate with one another where maybe they hadn’t before. Their intimate time together becomes more intense. A lot of positives occur with what the wives feel is negative. If you’re not getting any of that then you may want to consider whether the marriage is worth your time and trouble.

    You asked how to continue to remain quiet. Your husband shouldn’t silence you. If you mean how could you exercise self-control and not freak out, you have to turn to Allah, and ask Him to help you with it, as only He could bring about that change in you. I suggest you turn your attention to Allah as best you can in acts of worship that He commands for us. Ask Him for guidance and whether you should remain in the marriage. Try to be patient. Don’t be hasty. Persevere. Pray…

  • ummof4

    December 23, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    za, welcome to the blog. My husband also first married a second wife after our 9 years of marriage. Your situation sounds a bit similar to several other sisters here on the blog, whose husbands married former girlfriends as a second wife. It is better than the husbands committing adultery, but that doesn’t mean that the first wives won’t feel any pain.
    Again welcome. I will probably write more later, In shaa’Allah.

    Allahu Akbar! (Allah is the Greatest!)

  • Marie

    December 23, 2014

    Za, Wa alaykum asalaam.

    Welcome to the blog. I’m glad you’ve found us Marsh’Allah.

    Your situation sounds exactly like mine in the sense my husband married his old girlfriend/baby mama. I also said they should keep contact to a minimum, but noooooo…..never happend. anyway, I think you should voice your concerns in the nicest way possible and then leave it alone, let Allah deal with them. If your being verbally abused maybe you could speak to someone he respects to give him a push in the right direction, only do this if your sure it won’t have any negative effects, like him further being angry with you.

    Za, men always come up with many excuse to marry more women, fact of the matter is Allah willed it, accepting this is the first step to accepting our situation.

    If I think of anything else I’ll let you know.
    Love and hugs sister

  • za

    December 23, 2014

    Salaam to all…ur guys really had me thinking alot.im fairly new to this blog n ur comments r really informative.shukr for creating a open platform.i hav recently entered into a polygamous marriage after being married solely for 9yrs to my husband.came as a huge shock n stil doesnt really make sense due to it all happened so fast n enitially based on lies im in a position nw of trying to figure out if i stil want to b in this marriage.as its my husbands 1st gf that i enitially asked him to stop having contact with her which obviously never happened.his initial reason for marring her was to help her n her kids financially when in context he cannot even maintain our family unless he does sneaky business.i was so hopeful things would work n that this is the decree of Allah.hhow do i continue to remain quite so this marriage can work coz if i do speak i get sworn at or walked out on n he spends my days with his new wife….am i fooling myslf

  • Shabanah

    December 22, 2014

    Spirited, yes i went out to burger king 🙂

  • Shabanah

    December 22, 2014

    Spirited you are definitely in my prayers my anonymous friend haha.
    Your co sounds like a psycho. I oray she cones to her senses soon. Life is too darn short to be holding on to hatred and jealousy.

  • Spirited

    December 21, 2014

    Salaam,

    @Shabanah, yep, I’m ignoring her. The only problem is her using their baby as leverage/bargaining tool. My parents keep saying she can get whatever she wants because of that from the husband, probably even to force him to leave me. Example is how she’s been getting the majority of any money he makes so far (that’s one of the things that we still need to work on but it’s better than before). My parents want me to be emotionally prepared for him to up and leave, but that scheme of hers hasn’t worked yet, and hopefully it won’t, Insha’Allah. I can only pray, concentrate on myself and keep working towards a career change

    By the way, did you run out and get some yummy food after all the food talk? All of it is available to you after all! Lol

    @Ana, yeah exactly, lol. And it’s only the profile picture she can see — I have everything else hidden with privacy settings. If I was vindictive, I could put all those out there too, but obviously I’m not like that. At the time that he told me about her fighting with him about this, I told him that instead of sheepishly listening to her rant at him, he should have just said, “don’t go snooping around in the first place”. No one is tying her down and forcing her to stalk me online. If she doesn’t like what she sees, quit lookin’. You’re probably correct about her freaking out that some family member might come across something she’s trying to hide. Oh well, she created that situation, she can have fun dealing with it. I might care if she was a good person, even if she’s not a sister-in-faith, but she isn’t a good person, and I don’t see any reason to bend over backwards just to get stepped on again & again. And just as a reminder, I had tried before to extend a friendly hand but my requests were met with disdain & gifts thrown in the trash, so there is also that. Some people .

    Oh you know what else, she apparently used to watch his phone like a hawk when he’s with her. If he got a text from me, she forced him delete it. Issues I tell ya, lol. To get around that, he had to delete me from his phone book so my name didn’t come up. This was awhile back though, these days he has my name in his phone, and sees to any message I might send him. He might have put his foot down after getting fed up with her actions (I didn’t ask for details). I’m just glad that he’s finally grown a spine instead of being afraid of her all the time, but there’s still lots to take care of. Insha’Allah, things will continue to work out for the best. I hope you guys are keeping me in your prayers, also for the education end of my stuff!

  • anabellah

    December 21, 2014

    @Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I hear you about not removing the pics from Facebook. Who does she think she is to have a say about what you do in your life with pics and such. You’re his wife and you don’t have to hide it. You’re correct; you have nothing to be ashamed of. You have no reason to hide your marriage. If she has a problem with your pics, it’s her problem. She needs to learn how to get her negative feelings about it in check. She may not want the pics posted because her family and friends don’t know that he’s married to someone else besides her, oh well – not your problem. I can’t see a thing that you’re doing that is wrong with reference to it.

    Speaking about Hardee’s fast food burger joint, when I first got my “Working Papers” when I was 16 years old, I worked at Hardee’s for two days, for four hours each day. I quit after the second day. I mentioned the experience on the older version of the blog. That experience let me know I had to get a college degree, as working a fast food menial job was not for me. No Can Do. I know an honest living is good. I just know what I can and can’t do and I can’t flip burgers at a burger joint, which requires operating a register, sweepings the floors and washing the pots and pans, as well, going home smeilling like a grease monkey. It’s not my thang…

  • Shabanah

    December 21, 2014

    All this food talk has my tummy growling. Lol

    Coco, they have Menchys here but im not a big fan. I prefer tutti frutti. They used to have tcby $ mrs fields. Oh they have Cinnabon too.

    Spirited
    Your co does seem jealous. She’s definitely missing a screw or two. Just continue as you are dont pay her nonsense any attention.

  • coco

    December 21, 2014

    Gail & Shabanah
    We got similar chains McDonalds, Subway, Pizza Hut, Dominos Pizza, KFC, Hardees, Johnny Rockets, Fatburger, OPTP, TCBY & Mrs. Fields, Ooooo and TGIF is just ahhhhhmazing especially since everything on the menu is halal ☺️ I’m still waiting on Menchys and yes Burger King was all the rage when it opened I know my brother flipped out on his visit he got the triple whopper lol I somehow can’t break from the seafood cycle I’m so used to eating fish growing up cuz it was usually the only thing halal on a menu that I find myself preferring it as opposed to chicken and beef hehehehe I just wish for a checkers to open up for the seasoned fries *slupppp* and Pinkberry opening up would just be everything ❤️

  • coco

    December 21, 2014

    Gail
    Yeah a Coldstone is coming soon! When I saw the sign I almost ran over a guard in excitement hahaha I ❤️ KHI I will always be drawn to this city, you should definitely try experiencing this city, it’s very different compared to Lahore. The best way I can explain it is that Karachi is the New York of Pakistan while Lahore is the Los Angeles of Pakistan. There’s a huge contrast especially with the mindset of the people I find Karachites to be much more cosmopolitan, open minded and straightforward. Isloo is a bit slow with the franchises, Lhr and Khi have so many food chains now, you don’t miss the dining experience back home. They’ve got almost everything popping up one after the other here!

  • Spirited

    December 21, 2014

    Salaam guys,

    @Ana, Gail, & Shabanah, yeah ignoring is the way it is for now. That’s probably why things are quiet. Oh my husband’s 2nd wife tries to make a stink every now and then, but I’m ignoring it completely. A few months ago, I had changed my profile image on Facebook and remember how she’s FB stalking me, she apparently gave him an earful about it and wanted to see all the pictures from that event and wanted me to remove the picture! My husband didn’t have the pictures from the event to show her, too bad for her, and I didn’t remove the picture when he told me all that. Why should I? He’s my husband, I’m not hiding anything and I have nothing to be ashamed of, unlike her (yep, she still hasn’t told her family the truth about her marriage and schemes). Gail is right, I didn’t think about it, but it’s probably jealousy, well who knows

    @Gail & Shabanah, Pizza Hut in Pakistan has some wild toppings doesn’t it? :D. And it’s expensive, compared to the more local pizza shops. I haven’t tried the Burger King or mcdonalds there. The fast food place I love to bits in Pakistan is called HFC (yeah obviously their version of KFC) but I think their chicken is better than KFC. Oh my goodness, guys, their zinger burger is to die for. I insist on eating there anytime I get to go visit the country . And fresh squeezed juices are awesome, especially this one stall around Model Town in Lahore that makes amaaaaaazing strawberry shakes, ugh so good…we used to walk over there almost every night, and my husband always stopped there too himself, lol.

    Ok that was all random, talk to you guys later!

  • Shabanah

    December 21, 2014

    That makes 2 of us Gail.

  • Gail

    December 20, 2014

    Shabanah,

    Wow Burger King thats amazing I love love love Burger King! lol

  • Shabanah

    December 20, 2014

    They had coldstone here but it closed. They have mcdonalds of course, pizza hut, kfc, subway, hardees fatburger, otpt and burger king recently opened

  • Gail

    December 20, 2014

    coco,
    Wow khi is getting a cold stone thats pretty cool although I never go khi side.Only once flying in late at night and having a layover where we were taken to a hotel did I ever stay in khi.I do love Lahore although it smells.lol but yeah Lahore has alot of great eating places and when I was going to my sister inlaws home in Lahore I even seen a Hardie’s I was like Holy crap thats awesome!! Now if they would only get a Churches chicken! All teasing aside they are getting alot of american food chains in Rawalpindi.KFC is very popular as u know and Subway seems to be a pretty big hit there as well and Pizza Hut is off the charts.lol

  • Shabanah

    December 20, 2014

    Coco’s in the house heeeyyy lol. Happy you’re back.

    Spirited,
    Im not familiar with your story. Im getting a few of you confused. I have to reread posts.

  • Gail

    December 20, 2014

    Spirited,
    I am sorry your cowife is still acting like a Horses A$$ esp… when it comes to the baby.I am however happy to know all is going well with u.I honestly think your cowife is not working with a full deck if u know what I mean.She seems so spiteful and full of anger.I agree with Ana it sure is not worth for to put your head on teh chopping block knowing u r going to get it cut off.The heck with that.
    I died laughing when u mentioned the summer and the Mosquito’s Oh man what misery indeed.They sure love me there and I would always ask hubs hey man i am eat up how in the world u r not getting bit?he was like nope not bothering him any and I was like yeah well they r eating me ALIVEEE!! lol
    Hey thats pretty cool about the new car!
    Yeah keep in mind about your cowife she ain’t going anywhere is my thinking she just has a big mouth and and a bad attitude.Bottom line she is Jealous and most woman are but since she is staying with him and he is feeding her she will stick it out esp since she is older is my thinking.U and your husband are better off to ignore her and her idle threats.

  • anabellah

    December 20, 2014

    Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m so happy to hear things are coming along nicely with your marriage. It all takes time. Things do get better in time. It’s all about patience, perseverance and prayer. You sound quite chippy 🙂

    I don’t blame you for not sticking your neck out there, trying to befriend you husband’s other. The heck with that. I expressed my feelings about it in a comment I just wrote to coco. If one learns what another person is about and they don’t meet your standards, back off and leave the person be. Don’t waste your valuable time on the person. It’s how I see it. It took me time to come to the realization. I thank Allah that I finally did. It’s one less headache to deal with

  • Spirited

    December 20, 2014

    Salaam!

    Quickly popping in again,

    @Ana and Mari2, thanks for sharing your (funny) experiences with people who invite themselves over. Can’t say I have had that happen here in the States, I can imagine how awkward that might have been for you guys. I don’t mind it in Pakistan, it just feels normal there. Oh, and for me, it’s actually kind of a relief. My in-laws are quiet people, so it gets kind of spooky sometimes unless people visit! In contrast, my relatives there are all boisterous and always eager to do things, go places, etc.

    Like Gail, I always end up enjoying my time there too, but when it gets warm, I’m out. The weather, and the Mosquitos are too much for me. The weather wouldn’t even be too bad if the electricity problem was solved, but the Mosquitos, my goodness. Research has shown Mosquitos prefer some people to harass over others due to protein the person’s body makes, and unfortunately, I’m one of the more often harassed people. Between the itching and the annoying buzzing by the ear when you’re trying to sleep, it becomes a nightmare, lol. I remember my in-laws and husband would have to hide their laughter at all the mosquito bites I would always end up with, while my husband, who would have been sleeping right next to me didn’t have a bite on him. Annoying, but looking back, it was fun too in a way :D. I was planning to go for a month early next year, but there’s some things we need to take care of, so I have to cancel that plan :(. Maybe later in the year, depending on what happens with a few things and my schedule, hmmm.

    Well, talk to you ladies later.

  • Spirited

    December 20, 2014

    Hey guys, Salaam

    Hope your weekend is coming along nicely. It’s a sleepy kind of day out here where I am.

    @Mari2, that’s so awesome, I’m happy that you were prepared to handle what came your way because of Gail’s info. That’s the same kind of idea I feel behind the Pakistani man warning topic — to let people be aware so they aren’t blindsided like most of us were. If it can help even one person, like Gail was able to help you, that’s more than enough. It may be just one person but to that one person it could be a huge difference in their life. Also, rofl at ending up in a prison if you were in a communal life! You’re just too much 😀

    @Gail, you’re such a sweetheart being concerned. I haven’t written much about myself lately because everything seems to be quiet and good, aside from my parents. But parents are parents, I don’t fault them or anything. I realize that I should have given you guys an update on how stuff is, sorry about that. I’ve just been so preoccupied with classes, and trying to help where I could here, that I didn’t think to let you guys know how it’s going. My bad, lol. By the way, the classes I had taken went well and according to my own score keeping, I should have gotten As in them. Just have to keep it up before I apply later next year maybe, insha’Allah. My husband is graduating this year, and has gotten an offer for further study for 2 years, so he’s going to be doing that, Insha’Allah.

    Hmm, Gail, I think you answered your own question about my husband’s 2nd wife — she acts the way she does BECAUSE she has a baby. She’s proven her character with the manipulation and blackmailing, so I’m not particularly bothered to know her. She tried to use him for an American visa, and like many women find out, she didn’t expect the husband would not divorce the wife (or wives) he already has. Oh well. My husband doesn’t even talk about her anymore, not even to say that we’re alike as he used to. Maybe she’s been showing more of her true self lately? — like how she purposely went out of the country during the baby’s 1st birthday, making sure the father couldn’t be there for it. I haven’t really thought about how it would be if/when I have children. Oh I’m sure that SHE would hate it though — I think her threat about it still stands (“if you have children with her [me], I’ll find out and you’ll never see my baby again”). we will cross that bridge when we come to it I guess.

    Mostly, she’s out-of-sight, out-of-mind. My husband is home most of the time also. He sees her on the weekends, that’s the same as before. He’s also taken a part-time job on the weekends in the state she lives in, he says he was bored not doing anything and it’s extra money, I didn’t ask if there was any other reason. There’s definitely no more pining away for her and answering her texts aaaall all the time, sometimes he even ignores his phone completely until the next morning. It’s a really big change, I’m surprised, it feels like he’s pretty much gone back to being the same as he was when we first got married! He’s also giving me cash when I need, though he still says it’s better not to get our own place just yet. Assuming I get accepted into a school, we would have to move anyway (or maybe only I would, considering he’ll have another two years of schooling) so I guess that makes sense. What really made me happy was that he sometimes brings up a topic he wants to discuss that he was listening to from the Quran recitation that he listens to during his long drives! That’s a huge positive change, and I’m glad that he’s finding his way back to God on his own pace.

    Hmm lets see, oh he bought a car we both had planned to buy “someday”! One of those things you make a goal of and think you might get it eventually but probably not. He’d been saving money on the side, sold his car, and took out a loan for the bit that was left. I told him it wasn’t necessary, but he said why not? It was a private seller and a great deal, (it was, I went with him). I let him use it as his daily car though. I love our first car together more, although I feel sorry for ANY car he drives (he drives like a maniac and is pretty rough on vehicles…) I was just driving that car recently and there were all sorts of sounds that I didn’t hear before, lol, the poor “someday” car! OH that reminds me! Did I ever tell you guys about when I’m driving our first car? It’s a mustang gt California special. That kind of car turns heads anyway, but the hilarious part is when people do a double-take seeing a hijabi behind the wheel lol! I’ve had some funny things happen when I’m driving it for sure. If gas was cheaper, I’d be just cruising around randomly all the time, I love to drive, especially that car.

    Well, anyways, I think that should be a good update. Things are much better than before, thanks to Allah, and you here also. There’s still some things we need to get past and a few things to take care of coming up, but I’m keeping a positive outlook as much as I can. No doubt I pray for you guys, and thank you for helping me out back when I found this place, you guys really are a blessing . Gotta go for prayer, see you later~

  • coco

    December 20, 2014

    Shabanah
    Shawty’s right here girrrrrrrrrrr hehehehe I’m sooooo glad you’re here I like happy, energetic and positive individuals like myself. FYI I have a trip planned for Lahore in August inshAllah One of my best friend’s who’s wedding I missed because I had work in LA and couldn’t find a ticket back in time, it didnt help I could only fly after Christmas Eve! So she is never going to let it go she refused to talk to me after the wedding Was only communicating through my mom or husband lol I promised her I would make it up by coming for her first born, she is pregnant nowmashAllah so inshAllah I’m going to hold up to my promise. I miss Lahore was there last year they live in defence really close to Menchys fro-yo I’d go there everyday to get my chocolate cake batter fix hehehe Have you tried Coldstone yet? I’m still waiting for it to open in Karachi! You gotta gotta gooooooooooo! ☺️ Love ya doll xo

  • coco

    December 20, 2014

    Mari2
    No way I’m 5’2 as well *high five* twinsie! Mari2 I think it’s safer keeping mum around in laws just listen and smile. See if you give a opinion or talk generally you don’t know what they’ll extract from your words so it’s better for them to have one complaint that she’s a snob who doesn’t talk to us. I do that with my family from both sides it’s bliss as I’m never misunderstood or involved in the never ending bit@h sessions. Unannounced guests is something I’ll never get used to EVER! I’m sorry but it’s common decency to give another a heads up you’re coming. A lot of the times relatives show up at the sound of ding dong we run keep yelling one minute in between changing lol my mum outta her nightie and me out of my PJ’s. In the summers it’s crazy hot so I’m sorry I’m usually in a tank and short bottoms as its just me and my mum in the house. When we open up they seem annoyed chanting Oooooofffh it took you a while what were you hiding lol on Eid forget about it I can’t handle being around 40 people at a time I spend the whole day sleeping as I don’t wanna socialise I rarely have time off so I like to spend time alone sketching painting or just draping, but if I do it around cousins they’re all up in my business what is this. why this colour? can you teach us? so I opt for the next best option SLEEPING! They ask my mom does your daughter have depression she sleeps rather a lot to be normal, we understand Americans have lots of sociological issues adjusting with others lmao they got some twisted logic! Shabanah has me laughing with the sometimes we just need air well they see it another way when im outside in the terrace enjoying alone cousins show up oh why are you standing there alone here we will give you company lol I get the shopping bags getting opened and searched. When we’d visit Pakistan and come back with lots of bags heading to the guest room aunts and cousins would chant whereeeee areeeeeee youuuuuu goinggggg showwwww usssss toooooooo. The chanting I will never get used to EVER it drives me nuts I would just pass a hint of a smile and say sure but later! hehehe ☺️ xo

  • anabellah

    December 20, 2014

    Mari2,

    You’re a smart woman. You’re doing the right thing by not getting involved personally with your clients After my experience, I learned it’s better to keep business and personal separate.

    I liked reading more about you. You and I are A LOT alike. I think there are quite a few here on the blog who are similar in that we do well in being alone. I’m a very reserved person and always have been. I, however, do what needs to be done when it comes to dealing with other people. I LOVE my alone time. It’s the absolute best. I’m a cancer by birth sign and we are known to be homebodies. Besides my hubs, my best friend is my wali who is my Islamic family. Those two are my world besides our blog family here. I communicate very little with my biological family. My mom came to my house to visit the day after Thanksgiving. It was nice seeing her and we had a nice chat for a while. She lives about 20 miles from me, but I rarely see her. When time comes for me to socialize with people like for affairs my hubs and I attend for his work or any social gatherings (political and such), I rise to the occasion and be who I need to be. It’s all good. When I was in the work force all those years, I did what I had to do. It’s like this world is a stage and I play different parts.

    Mari2, I didn’t do the dorm thing in college. I specifically selected the college I attended because it had apartments on campus. I knew I wouldn’t fare well in a typical dorm LOL. At the college I attended, we had four to an apartment – two bedrooms – two to a bedroom. It was a beautiful setting when I attended ( a lot has changed there now). When I was there, it was beautiful; although a lot has changed now. They’ve developed the area more. It had a huge lake we’d have to walk around from the apartments to get to the campus. Walking around that lake in the winter was brutal with the breeze blowing across it. The school was situated in a wooded area. The apartments were in court yards with trees separating each court and the courts were named after trees, such as “Acorn”, “Birch”, “Cedar”, “dogwood”, “Elm”, “Fern”. It was an awesome school. Oh, okay, I began to reminisce there for a moment.

    Anyhow, I say it all because I know your personality and I totally relate. I’m not up for sitting around with people just chit chatting and shooting the breeze. Although, I have been known to do it with my biological family, before I converted/reverted to Islam. I love having alone time to just read, learn, study, and try to stay in remembrance of Allah. Thank you much for sharing about yourself, partner.

  • Shabanah

    December 20, 2014

    Coco Love where are you Shawty (shorty) lol. Miss Ya

  • Mari2

    December 20, 2014

    @Gail,
    no you are not alone and thankfully because of you neither am I.

  • Gail

    December 19, 2014

    Spirited,
    I should mention when I say joint family I mean cowives living together or close to each other.I am not into the whole inlaws living with us.I see inlaws as outside the our inner family unit but a cowife she is part of the personal family unit.I wanted to make that clear.

  • Gail

    December 19, 2014

    Spirited,
    I been thinking about u and your hubby.I really hope everything is going to work out for u guys in the end.I actually think about u alot and wonder how your schooling is going.I see alot u in me.My heart goes out to u.I still am so perplexed about your cowife and why she is acts the way she does esp… since she has the baby.I have really got to know u know through the blog and I just can’t wrap my mind around it.I also went through finding out my husband fathered a daughter with my cowife as u well know.I don’t know if I ever really talked much about it on the blog before but when I found out the truth at the time it ripped my heart out.Looking back I don’t really know why because that same baby girl is now 11 and she is my biggest helper.I love that kid and she is as real a child to me as if I had birthed her myself.I feel it is soo wrong that your husband and cowife don’t include u in their life.I feel it is so wrong on so many levels.U know I am a very strong advocate for joint family and the children belong to the family not this stingy clingy stuff I don’t like it to be frank.
    U maybe ok with how they have set it up I have no idea but to me it seems anti polygamy in my opinion.How in the world would it work if u have a child and they can’t see their own siblings.It won’t shock me a bit that after u have a baby your cowife will want to see your baby and want a sibling bond with her daughter and your child.My children have the closest sibling bond I am so thankful that I fought for the children to all live and grow up together.I thought I would share my thoughts with u and how your cowife and husband have not this through totally I feel.

  • Gail

    December 19, 2014

    Mari2,
    I smiled reading your post at how your inlaws treated u.I love it and goes to show I am not alone.Do u not just love having other American woman to chat with about Pakistani culture?I know it has helped me so much to get my story out there and tell what I know about Pakistan and living there.When I first went to Pakistan I found all the niceness was about to kill me.LOL But in all honesty I am missing my inlaws esp sister inlaws alottt these days.
    Pakistan sure is a different world.It grows on u after awhile.I am feeling really horrible about the children killed in Peshawer.I really desire Pakistan to become a better country.

  • Mari2

    December 19, 2014

    @Gail,
    It was thanks to you and your posts that prepared me for the lack of privacy I could expect in Pakistan when I went last year. I’m am ever grateful for the heads up that prevented me from having a meltdown as to meet and greets that could (and did) occur while I was still in bed, the total lack of privacy regarding personal items etc. I’ll never forget being at the market when 10 people showed up at the home so we all had to rush back. All these people I never met took my parcels and opened them and discussed them. They felt the material and decided what style of clothes I needed from my unstitched cloth I purchased and started making clothes for me. While kinda cool in a way, I was totally removed from any decision making. However, thanks to Gail and others I understood/expected it and let my issues go and the clothes they stitched are lovely. But as an American, if I showed up at my home and my sister tried to remove a bag from my hand, I’d probably smack her. Just saying.

  • Mari2

    December 19, 2014

    @Ana,
    When you described your interaction with a client showing up at your house, I had to chuckle. The same thing has happened with co-workers that I work with that made the mistake of giving out their personal numbers to clients. Constant calls for this that or another. One co-worker left her home in the middle of the night to help a client who claimed her husband had hit her again. She took the client to the police station to file a complaint which the client tried to refuse. When my co-worker asked the client where she wanted to go after making her statement to police, the client asked my co-worker if she could live with her. Co-worker said no to the client who then went to the house of a friend while calling another co-worker on her personal phone to enquire as to the address of 1st co-worker. And my co-workers think I’m jaded because I refuse to give out my personal info, or accept fb requests from clients.

  • Mari2

    December 19, 2014

    @Spirited and others,
    The idea of joint family homes is not just a Pakistani thing at all. There are many cultures/countries in which this is acceptable. But like others have mentioned, for many of us raised in the US, joint living situations are an enigma to us, just as living apart from parents is an enigma to others. My parents live 5 hours away from me and M can’t understand why I chose to live so far from my parents. The thing is that my parents used to live here in this town and when they retired THEY chose to move 5 hours away…lol. I won’t complain, they made a choice that benefited them as well they should.

    I personally suck at communal living which is one motivator to never commit a crime and end up in prison. Four years of college dorm living in triples and quads was enough to make me crazy despite my fondness for those of whom I lived with. I like Gail am not fond of the chit chat. And when I come home from work, the last thing I want are some people up in my grill. I enjoy shopping alone, eating out alone, hanging in my home alone. I get enough neediness from clients at work. I have a fabulous best friend. We’ve been besties for 24 years. We live 10 miles apart and maybe see each other 2x per year. We chat on the phone, we text, but we have no desire to hang with one another even though we were roomies for 2 years.

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone,

    Shabanah and Ummof4,

    Happy blessed Friday(Jummah) to you two, too, and to everyone else.

    Shabanah,

    Yes, I hear you and agree it is not easy to get our words across on a blog well enough to be understood all the time. As Marie had stated too, we don’t get the tone, facial expressions and mannerism, to go with the words so we’d understand better. You’re right in that if we didn’t love one another we wouldn’t go back and forth with one another. We’d just put the person on ignore or say enough to cause the person to go away. I love all the ladies here and I can’t be grateful to Allah enough for each and everyone here.

    ummof4,

    It was a very nice post you wrote to coco. I thought to mention to her that marrying him may lessen her burden and give her emotional support, but I thought she may perceive me as being overly persistent and not being able to comprehend her plight. You did a very nice job in offering up a possible solution that may resolve some of the issues.

    coco,

    We love you. I love you. We’re here for you and it’s okay to just chat with us about whatever you’d like to talk about, if you just want to talk. Don’t feel you must stay on the topic of polygamy. We know you’ve got a lot on your plate. I’d imagine it’s not easy. I had a supervisor at work who was trying to live her life, and take care of her mom who had cancer at the same time. She’d come to work and sometimes just break down and cry. It was overwhelming for her. She said to me, she was trying to feed her mother (or something) and her mom just vomited all over her. She just sat there and cried and cried and cried. It broke my heart. She was so emotional when she was telling me about it. She didn’t want to place her mom in a facility, so she and her siblings tried to care for her. I don’t know what the outcome was, as I don’t work there any longer, but I got an idea of what you’re experiencing.

  • Shabanah

    December 19, 2014

    I pray all of you are having a Blessed Friday Jumma today. Remember Allah is with you wherever you are

  • Shabanah

    December 19, 2014

    Gail, oh my goodness yessssssss no privacy WHATSOEVER. Sometimes one just needs fresh air, a moment to breathe without all the noise and chaos. It can be suffocating. It actually seems like the bigger the house the more traffic and even less privacy. I think Pakistanis think we’re rude often times because they dont understand us. And vise versa. Ana you have me laughing out loud because i too have witnessed time and time again of guest popping up out of the blue unannounced not one loner not two but families of ten

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2014

    I went back and changed the word to “annoyed”, which was more accurate.

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2014

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    It’s funny that some people will call another person a jackass. I remember as a kid wondering what the difference was between a horse and a donkey. I was left with the impression that donkeys were stubborn and lazy. I remember when I was a kid my mom telling me it.

    Now, when it comes to donkeys, I think about the ayah (verse) in Quran: “”And be moderate in thy pace, and lower thy voice; for the harshest of sounds without doubt is the braying of the ass.” Quran: Surah 31, Ayah 19

    After you mentioned the donkey, I looked them up and it was quite interesting to learn that a donkey is a hybrid. The male donkey (a mule) had sex with a female horse. When the horse becomes pregnant; it has a donkey. Many mules are sterile. It said a donkey is seen as a low-level animal and is used as a work animal in under developed countries.

    It’s funny you and others here mention that it’s not unusual for Pakistani people to visit unannounced. When I was working at the Prosecutor’s office as a detective, being Muslim, I completely covered my hair then and my attire identified me as a Muslim. I met this Pakistani lady who was there on a domestic violence case with her son as the defendant. He had psychiatric problems and was on meds (medication). When he didn’t take his meds, he’d act out. This particular time he had assaulted his mom. The family had to call the police to restrain him and the police file criminal charges (domestic violence – assault) against him. Well, anyhow, she asked for my phone number at home, which I gave her. Then she contacted me often at home, and would ask about the criminal procedure and I’d walk her through it. She one day said she had paperwork that she didn’t understand, and asked if she could come to my house for me to explain it to her. Reluctantly, I gave her my address and she came over. I explained everything and she left. It was a nice quick visit. Subsequently, every time she received a notice in the mail, she’d call me and just say, for instance, “I’ve got this notice; I don’t understand it; I’m coming over.” Of course, I’d hem and haw, but she’d hang up and just come over. Her son, after the one incident, got into trouble a couple more times and the same thing happened. One time, when I didn’t answer the phone because I was really busy. She just showed up at my house. It was a shockeroo. She was very demanding too. She’d tell me, “I called you and left a message and you didn’t call me back. Why didn’t you call me back? When I call you, I need you to answer. She drove me craaaaazy for a minute or two. It seemed she was calling me daily. About the notice she’d be like – I don’t understand; I don’t understand, and was crying sometimes. It went on for quite some time. I was happy to help a sister-in-faith, though.

    Looking back, I laugh now. I very rarely entertain at my house. So, I’m not the best host. She comes over, sits down and, after a while, asks me for a glass of water. LOOOOL She looked annoyed with me that I hadn’t offered her anything. he,he,he. I had some bad etiquette back then. I said it all to say I experienced first hand having an uninvited Pakistani guest.

    It’s Fajr time. I better run. Insha Allah, I’ll return about 11:00 a.m. after I wake up.

  • Spirited

    December 18, 2014

    Salaam guys,

    @Mari2, oh boy lol. You know those popular TV dramas like “Game of Thrones”? Your in-laws lives could easily be a tv drama of equal popularity, from what I hear of the show, their lives seem just as nuts as fiction!

    The whole “family politics” thing is annoying. Family is supposed to be really close, with strong bonds, and so on. Yet, family are the ones who end up stabbing you in the back or causing the kinds of issues you wouldn’t expect. It’s a really strange dynamic, and I don’t think it’s only a part of Pakistani culture, it seems (to me) like something that’s part of human nature. You hear about family fights or vendettas in families from every country, right? So maybe it’s just a universal human thing, but some families take it a step above for sure.

    One thing you mentioned that is common in Pakistan is the coming over unannounced bit. That’s normal there, since the women will always be home anyway and the house would be ready for receiving guests anytime. You know what’s funny? The older generation in my family really miss that. Especially any living people from 2 generations ago, whenever they would be here in the US, then would be going out if their minds to go back because there’s no sense of community and no one sees each other without an appointment! lol. Both my grandmothers would always be 100% miserable too when they would stay in the US, no matter who they stayed with. My parents, aunts and uncles also dislike the lack of people visiting, which is funny because when family does get together or plans to, there go the family politics,sometimes over the dumbest stuff — just in November, a family get-together was cancelled over whose name was given as the person giving out the invitations! Rofl, it’s insane. Those of us in the family of my generation just roll our eyes and hang out with each other without the older generation, lol.

    @Shabana, lol you had me chuckling at family coming over when they need something. So true, lol. Isn’t there a saying in Pakistan, something like…”when a person needs something, they’re even willing to call a donkey their father.” Something like that. That reminds me, i don’t know why donkeys are thought of as lowly animals there. One of my cousins in Pakistan even used to freak out majorly, with hysterics and screaming, crying, if she heard a donkey bray. I was like, geez get a grip, it’s just a donkey…I don’t understand it.

    @Gail, greed or jealousy probably has a big part, you’re most likely right! Lol it’s just a whooole lot easier to try and stay out of the craziness

  • Gail

    December 18, 2014

    Shabanah,
    It sounds like u have your own little network of family living right there with u.I also live in a joint family system since I married my husband.When we are in Pakistan we have at least 30 people living in one huge house.My inlaws home in Pakistan is pretty big.It has like 12 or more rooms with 4 baths and 2 kitchens.I love my inlaws home.
    Living joint family has it’s advantages and disadvantages for certain.
    I love that I have built in babysitters anytime I need to leave the home to go out but the disadvantage is there is no privacy ever.lol
    Even as huge as my inlaws home is I feel like I can never get privacy.They think I am crazy though because the home is so huge and to top it off we have 2 smaller homes connected to the large home through the garage area.Our home takes up pretty much the entire block and still I complain I can’t get privacy.lol
    Also my family think I am so crazy because I will sit in my room and stay to myself and not go sit out in the garage or on the roof and chat so much like they do.I tell them a little goes a long way for me but they don’t get it.
    When we live in USA my inlaws live with us feb – oct. they live in our garrage apt on our property.Again I own 3 acres land and they r on the other side of the property but they come in to cook or just sit around and chat.Drives me NUTS.Again my inlaws think I have a screw loose.I try to explain it is an American thing and I just don’t have it in me to shoot the breeze 24/7 and I have things to do but they see it as I have a chip on my shoulder.I don’t know maybe I do who knows.Everyone seems to think Americans r rude.lol

  • Gail

    December 18, 2014

    Mari2,
    I also wanted to comment on what u said about your husbands family and how they have these family conflicts all the time.My husbands family is the exact same way.
    My husband get along great with his brothers and sisters and I have never seen them fight.My husband also gets along with all his brother and sister inlaws.His family is very close however his family has this feud with pretty much all his aunts and uncles with the exception of one 2 Aunts and uncles.I give up years ago trying to make heads or tails of it other than he told me that it all boils down to family politics and greed within the family.Even my husband and his family do not talk with his grandfather.

  • Gail

    December 18, 2014

    Mari2,
    So it seems we r both white woman married to Pakistani men lol.

  • Shabanah

    December 17, 2014

    Mari2,

    Omg that makes two of us not understanding the long lasting vendettas. They really need to learn how to let things go, forgive and overlook. Even in our home my husbands older sons have their own portions in his house and my husband supports them but their wives don’t come over to our side and give him salaams or speak to him. My husbands brothers family live right next door but only come when they need stuff. Its so much more drama. It’s very strange. When you stay in your own lane there’s no traffic so thats where i stay.

    Ana, tell meeeeeeee. Lol

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2014

    Mari2,

    You had me laughing out loud when you spoke about being taken down a peg or more. You’re so funny. I really admire people who can take constructive criticism well, even when it hurts. I’m sensitive and touchy about what people say to me. I try to take a person’s head off, if they piss me off. I go for the Jugular. It’s a negative trait I have. I’ve got to get help with it. Only Allah can help me. It never too late, but I know I’m running out of time fast.

    Yes, I think a meet and greet would be awesome. We’ll see what Allah says. I’m feeling good about it though. 🙂

  • Mari2

    December 17, 2014

    @Ana
    Yes I am a little shorty lol. That’s why I appreciate my heels 🙂 As for the idea of a meet up, I think it is grand! I would love to meet other sisters on this site as I have learned so much from them. And even when I’m all self-righteous and crap, I have no problem with being taken down a peg or two (or three) by others who have been there and done that. I wholly understand that I have much to learn. I welcome the experience and would love to meet others.

  • Mari2

    December 17, 2014

    @Spirited,
    I cannot even begin to understand M’s family except to say that “I just don’t get them.” And it is just not culture of Pakistani origin. There are long lasting vendettas among his large group of close relatives that M himself doesn’t fully understand. There are marriage issues, land issues, inheritance issues etc. that I cannot even fathom to understand. Certain sisters dislike other sisters, all sisters dislike all brothers and their wives, brothers don’t support sisters, sisters must find a way to one-up brothers. It’s crazy and I don’t think I could keep up with which side I’m supposed to support with out some kind of “You Dissed Me Therefore…” flow chart. Even then I predict I would be as confused as m.

    Let me explain: My MIL is here with us. One of her brothers lives but 5 minutes down the road from us with his wife, their daughter and their son-in-law. Does my MIL care to visit them? No. Do they care to visit us? No. My MIL doesn’t want anything to do with her own brother or his family.

    M’s cousin of my MILS eldest sister also lives here in this town. Has he visited once? No. Does my MIL want to see him? NO. When I was in Pakistan, his mother showed up to visit (unannounced) with her servant. Apparently, I didn’t show my face to her rapidly enough for her liking so she had a dramatic meltdown and stormed off declaring that neither me nor my MIL respected her enough to greet her appropriately.

    Then days later, the eldest sister of my MIL appeared with her four married daughters and their children. Sweet and kind to me, but I sensed some serious animosity toward her from not only M, but his mom and sisters too. M’s aunt had a headache and asked for some aspirin or something. I offered to get some and M’s sister said to me “Give her nothing! That is what she gave to us when we asked!” Turns out one of the cousin girls of elder sister was M’s choice and his mom’s choice when he was but 18. Her mom said NO, because M was poor, with no suitable job.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2014

    @Mari2,

    You had a very interesting upbringing and background – very cosmopolitan. I enjoyed learning more about you. 🙂 You’re a little shorty LOL

    How is everything going with your hubs and the wedding planning?

  • Mari2

    December 17, 2014

    @Gail…lol you picture me as a black woman! I find that rather interesting although I am a petite, 5’2 white girl of Irish, German and Hungarian descent. Sometimes in my line of work I need to get a wee bit “Bronx” on clients, and I did have a black woman once tell me that she was sure I housed a black girl inside me. I was raised by parents from the Bronx, and while NYC may be my birth place, and the area in which my huge family lives, my siblings and I were raised around the world courtesy of my father’s job. I spent the first 16 years of my life living abroad in Europe and the far east and loved every minute of it! My final 2 years of HS was spent in a pit of boredom in an all-white Podunk town after my father retired. Mashallah I was able to leave for college and once again meet diverse people and travel.

  • Shabanah

    December 17, 2014

    Coco,

    Im in Lahore. Yes the massacre is devastating and inhumane. Im still at shock. One parent stated, in the morning her child was dressed in uniform now he’s in a casket 🙁

  • coco

    December 17, 2014

    Shabanah
    Hey there love! I loved your saying hehehe it made me smile ☺️ Yeah it would be hilarious if it turned out we know each other lol what city are you in if you don’t mind telling? I’m in Karachi when I’m here. Yes I’ve seen “Khuda Kai Liye” it was a nice film and just so happens it was a tribal Pashtun village lol It is a prime example of how marriages are imposed by parents in Pakistan and also how it was for Muslims in some parts of America after 9/11 I agree a must watch! Hope your enjoying the day although it’s quite saddening from the massacre that took place in Peshawar yesterday may Allah give the shaheed’s family the strength to endure this pain. Ameen xo

  • Shabanah

    December 17, 2014

    Salaams, stopping by to say i was thinking of you all today. It made me smile. I love the saying “Good friends are like bras, always there for support and close to the heart 🙂 “

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2014

    Shabanah,

    It’s the first time I’m hearing of the movie. Insha Allah, I’ll get a chance to watch it soon. It seems the movie is right on time with our discussions.
    Insha Allah, the below is a link to the correct movies.

  • Shabanah

    December 17, 2014

    Has anyone seen khuda ke liye? It’s about a Pakistani/Amercan woman being forces to marry her cousin in a village in the middle of nowhere. A must watch

  • Aisha

    December 17, 2014

    Ok I will go to the wedding and I will even bring a gift, but my hubby doesn’t seem to approve but hey it’s not up to him.how cool would it be after the nikka iwhen I present her with my gift and welcome her into the family, I think it would be way cool.will just wait and see if the is an ulterior motive behind the kind gesture

    Sis Shabanaso u hit jackpot hey that is great for you, it’s gòod to get ur groove on from time to time lol, I bet hubby can’t resist u now tiger

  • Shabanah

    December 17, 2014

    Aisha

    I also think the meet and greet is an awesome idea but i dont tgink i could attend as im currently living abroad in Pakistan. Coco, you’re also here. What if ee know one another but dont know lol.

    Also, Aisha i think you should attend the wedding. It would be your welcoming your cowife into your family. If she has ulterior motives, then leave that up to Allah to distinguish.

    Thanks Ana for your continuous compassion and support.

  • Gail

    December 16, 2014

    Shabanah,
    It is not a horror movie.It is based on true events about this Ranch in Utah were this mans 8 yr old son disappeared and other people.If u scare easy Don’t watch it is my advice.If u r curious google Skinwalker Ranch and read about it then decide if u want to watch the documentary/movie.Congrats on getting your groove on! lol

  • Gail

    December 16, 2014

    Aisha,
    I meant to say if u go to the wedding that Pakistani people/woman will talk that u r there but let them.Pakistani people have an opinion about everything.lol

  • Gail

    December 16, 2014

    Aishah,
    Listen until u feel otherwise give her a chance and take her up on all kindness.
    Not everyone is the same way.If u ever feel something is not right just back off.
    I think it was very very nice of her to invite u.Hopefully her intentions are pure and u both will get along.Soooo are u going to the wedding I think it would be awesome and so much fun but on the other hand if u would feel weird or strange I would understand.
    Heads up people will comment but who cares let them if u want to extent your cowife jesture and actually attend.I think u would have a blast and it might be easier on u than u being alone during that time.I am actually all for going and enjoying it is just as much your celebration if u want it to be as theirs.

  • Laila

    December 16, 2014

    Dear Mira. Sorry but way overdue in terms of my input. My only question to you is, why in the world are you tolerating such treatment? Years ago when my hubbs wanted to marry me I MADE him tell his wife. Why? Because of this secret lifestyle. It is not healthy. How long do you plan to run away from facing your friends? You are too bothered as to how society will judge you. Yes it will get ugly but what you are doing too is so unfair to the first wife. She has a right to know! If hubbs did that to me he will be so answerable. Why are both of you not being responsible ADULTS? Come on, face it, would you like it if your husband got another wife and hid the facts from you? ….. Fikirlah ye.

  • Laila

    December 16, 2014

    Dear Aisha. Walaikumsalam! 😉 Well that is entirely to you. In my opinion,I think she was being polite and sincere by inviting you to her wedding. It may backfire as she might have other ulterior motives but then again till you have not communicated with her in some way you will never know. Sometimes I feel its the little acts of kindness that somehow will repay later.

    Well hello girls!! Ive missed you all. But I am flying off for my holiday soon to Phuket.

  • coco

    December 16, 2014

    Aisha
    Walaikuasalaam sister! Wow January is right around the corner, it’s odd that you’re having the same jitters you had when you were about to marry lol I think it was a nice gestere for her to extend her hand and invite you herself. I reckon your soon to be co-wife is Pakistani? About whether you should go or not to the wedding I’m not so sure as it won’t be unchallenging at all. I would suggest you to be very meticulous when interacting with your co-wife be inviting while maintaining a polite distance. I think the other sisters will have more input from their experiences. Good luck to you ☺️ xo

  • coco

    December 16, 2014

    Shabanah
    You go girl! I’m so ecstatic for you! May Allah always keep you blessed. I used to watch cucirca.eu a few years back but it stopped working when I would be in Pakistan so switched to watchseries and as for Skinwalker Ranch I have absoltely no idea Gail suggested the movie I’m sure she will fill you in once she’s here. Please keep me in your duas sister ☺️ xo

  • Aisha

    December 16, 2014

    Oh another thing, thee new avatars are way cooler than the last…now we dont have see freaky looking faces staring at us lol

  • Aisha

    December 16, 2014

    Asalam alikum my dear beautiful sisters…..I hope everyone is doing good insha Allah, I have been hiding in the background like I always do lol but I have been following on everyone’s posts.
    The meet and greet sounds like a good idea but I doubt I will be there since I am in Africa but we dont know about the future

    Sis Shabanah I can relate to ur situation but not on a very personal level coz it was my father who was polygamous and both my mother’s lived under the same room , everyone seemed fine with the arrangement but what do I know

    Have I mentioned my hubby is getting married in January. Oh boy am I nervous, I feel like I am the one getting married, it’s kinda funny coz I have the same feeling I had a few weeks before I got married , I don’t knw why but I think it’s because my hubby tells me everything concerning the pending wedding and you won’t believe it but my soon to be co wife sent me the invitation, I think it’s very cute…I am a very blindly trusting person and I never assume the worst of people and most of the time it back fires but I never seem to learn, the reason I am saying this is because of what sis Gail and others have said about most pakistani ladies. ..I dont realy know, should I go to the wedding, should I be friend her or should I just stay in my own lane….what

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all my friends 🙂

    Shabanah,

    So, you got down with the get down and it worked aye You go girl. I’m a cornball here with silly colloquialism. I’m so happy for you. It seemed to have been the only thing in your marriage that was understandably troubling you.

    You are married. You don’t have to wait for your husband to approach you. There are books out there in which it’s said, don’t approach our husband for physical relations. Those books are written by men for men. So much in those books are only to give men authority to continue to oppress women and a lot of it goes against what Allah says in the Holy Quran.

    Marriage comes with perks. As long as the parties to the marriage don’t engage in certain acts that Allah forbids (Gay sex – I just mentioned it that way, but you know what type of sex I mean – or on menses) it’s green light go for the husband and one wife). It’s all good. Men are all different. There are some men are turned off by women who never initiate sex. They want and need to feel wanted. Some men are the opposite. They are all different.

  • Shabanah

    December 16, 2014

    Aaw Y’all are so loving and sweet.

    Coco,
    I stepped out of my comfort zone finally and hit the jackpot lol :)))

    Also, watchseries is excellent as well as cucirca.eu for series. Is skinwalker ranch a horror? Im a scaredy cat. Can’t handle horror films.

    Salaams Ana, Gail, alison, spirited, ummof4 and marie. I pray you all are having a wonderous day. Hugs!

  • coco

    December 16, 2014

    ummof4
    Hahahahahaha I am so sorry we ruined the film for you but it’s still worth the watch I actually want to watch it again. And yeah yeah it was her fault *pointing fingers* to Gail hehehe just kidding. I so agree with Ana Marilyn Monroe was something she was the epitome of sex appeal. One last thing ummof4 I just love how you give a small reminder to all to be thankful to ask for forgiveness in many past posts as well may Allah reward you sister xo

  • coco

    December 16, 2014

    Gail & Ana
    Yeah I get where you and Ana are coming from sometimes life just takes a turn and you get it years down the line when no emotions or bitterness remains. That’s why I’m just letting the situation be and Allah will settle my affairs inshAllah I have full faith! Life sure is interesting and beautiful Ana for all the distress, anger and and loss we endure in life Allah replaces it with so much more contentment and blessings. It coincides with what I hold close to me in times of darkness that the sun always comes out after the rain. I will for sure look into watching Skinwalker Ranch thanks for another suggest Gail Ooo and btw primewire.ag for movies and watchseries for tv series is really good as well. xo ☺️

  • Gail

    December 15, 2014

    Ana,
    OK great now lets hope everyone can figure out how to use it.My hubby had to help me figure it out I hope I explained it well enough.

  • Gail

    December 15, 2014

    ummof4,
    Watch the movie “Ana” anyway it is really good.U may very well have your own take on the movie.Strangely I never watch movies but these last few weeks I am getting kinda into them.

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2014

    Dear Gail,

    Thank you very much. No problem. The link is good. I just don’t like to freely advertise for other blogs that don’t support polygamy 411, nor sites that have their own comment section. Links to News, media and what you just sent are fine. It was kind of you to share the link with us.

  • Gail

    December 15, 2014

    Ana,
    I have a link to a free movie site that has these movies on it I have been watching. http://www.freelivemovies.net if u have interest.When u go on the page just go on the top to movies and when the list comes down click on hollywood or u can type in skinwalker Ranch.
    Listen when u click on a movie u want to watch just scroll down and click on Close Ad and then u can play the movie.
    If u decide u like to use this only the English-cloudy.ec movies work as far as I can tell. ….. To know if it is a English-cloudy.ec movie as u scroll down it will be under the wikipedia it is pretty easy to see. I know how u r about links but i thought it is free and u can delete this if u don’t want to use it.My hubby found it and uses it.This is the link i have been watching the movies from.

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2014

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    You had me going there for a moment. ha, ha, ha. I thought you were really serious.

    I’m sorry, ummo; I just couldn’t help myself. I intended not to say anything, but then I thought, well, if we wait for everyone to watch it to figure it out – well – how would we know when everyone has watched it It could take weeks, months or years. Anyhow, Insha Allah, I’ll try to refrain from discussing details of a movie in the future 🙂 It was Gail’s fault LOL

    I love watching movies, especially dramas. My attention span isn’t very good though. If I watch a movie alone, I may end up watching about 20 minutes of a movie a night till I finish. I end up falling to sleep on it. If I’m not watching movies with hubs, I can only watch them before I drift off to sleep. I like those old black and white movies too. I have some of those in my collection. I love Marilyn Monroe; although she was a terrible actress. I think she was one of the most beautiful women in the world, if not the most beautiful.

  • ummof4

    December 15, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Coco, Gail and Ana, you have ruined the movie “Anna” for me. Now I don’t have to see it. Why didn’t you heed the warning I gave a while ago and the reminder that Ana posted recently? I’m not really mad, just messing with you! But seriously, please don’t tell the entire plot of a movie on this blog. Some of us may want to see it. I’m a big movie buff, especially movies made before 1960.

    Everyone, Remember to thank Allah every day for what He has given you and ask for His forgiveness.

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2014

    Gail,

    I’m on the same page as you with what you said to coco. The lives end up taking different paths. You got that right. Actually, it turns out for the better, not to say what one ends up in, instead, is better. I relate to your experience. It simply didn’t turn out as we had perceived it would. Neither party saw it coming. We don’t foresee it. It just happens and we know. It further confirms that we don’t write the script for our lives. Life is quite interesting when we take a close look at how our lives have unfolded over the years.

    Insha Allah, I may check out “Skin Walker Ranch” this evening, if I can find it on Netflix. I’ll keep you posted. I hope you had an awesome day. It’s a strange time of the year. By time I get up, it’s soon dark again. It seems I got up only to go back to bed. My days seem super short.

  • Gail

    December 15, 2014

    Coco,
    If u liked “Ana” try Skinwalker Ranch.

    Shabanah,
    U seem happy in your post I hope all is going well for u.

  • Gail

    December 15, 2014

    Coco,
    I had a relationship like that it lasted for 30 yrs.I never married him but G.D knows I wanted to.Out of all the men in the world he was my personal pick.We reunited 2 yrs ago and honestly I am pretty darn thankful I didn’t marry him.He was not what I thought at all.He liked sleeping around with aloot of woman and although I knew that about him.He did a couple of things that did not sit well with him and I ended up blowing up at him over something he did 20 and 30 yrs ago.I took it as a personal blow against me and I ended up telling him he had the morals of an Alley cat.Do I still love him yeah part of me does and always will but he crossed lines even to this day that I don’t like.
    There could be something that Allah/G.D is seeing that u may not see.I don’t feel I ended up with some great life it was just a different path.

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2014

    coco,

    I understand Lutz of love to you, sis xo

  • coco

    December 15, 2014

    Ana
    I don’t think I am the type of person who could carry a platonic relationship with the man I love and remain just good friends that I share a strong bond with I wouldn’t want that it’s painful and I imagine it would remind me of how incomplete I am without him. I strongly believe in the foundation of marriage and if it were not to come to that then I wouldn’t continue funding the bond I share with him. I’m sorry sistaaaaaaaaaa I’ll pass thank you very much lmao I’m strong but not that strong… hugs xo ☺️

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2014

    Much love to you too, coco. You and Shabanah both are so bright and beautiful, so is alison and all the wonderful people here. {{{{hug}}} to everyone.

    Hey to you, alison 🙂

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2014

    coco,

    I didn’t mean to imply that he doesn’t love you or his love for you may have changed, nor that you and he may possibly cease being very good close friends with a special bond. The people whom I spoke of had all of it and kept it. Their relationship just wasn’t meant to be one of matrimony. It still was very special and pure. As you stated, Allah is the best of Planners. I believe it 100% 🙂

  • coco

    December 15, 2014

    Ana
    I oh so agree with you about Shabanah bringing in the sunshine! The family in the end of “Anna” seemed like his wife who never died I guess and moved on to make a new family. Ooo I still need to watch “Zero Dark Thirty” Mark Strong starring in it gives me all the reason more to see it… And soon! ❤️ Ana of course I’m not going to get offended honestly anything is possible Allah-u-Alim I don’t believe in planning things working out dates I did that and Allah had his own plans, Allah knows what’s in my fate I didn’t try to force it before and wiIl not now. You may be right maybe it isn’t meant to be but it doesn’t seem so till now as I haven’t felt the love he has for me fade it’s only gotten stronger mashAllah if it turns out it isn’t meant to be then it will show through in his words, behavior or actions. I’ve tried to limit the affection I give and take to be respectful and he gets frustrated and angry over the littlest things like me not sending him a picture or getting on a Skype call. I’m not because by him getting married it changed everything I can’t be as I was with him before out of respect for her and have made that clear to him. I try to limit my words of endearment he doesn’t he is exactly the way he was with me as before the wedding taking place. He gave me his word and I’m holding on to it if he’s not in my destiny he will vanish away and there will be some good for it not working out for the both of us. Much love sister xo ☺️

  • coco

    December 15, 2014

    Mira
    Hey love! I hope your still out there reading I am thinking of you… I wrote back to you on the other post hope to hear from you soon xo ❤️

  • coco

    December 15, 2014

    Shabanah
    Hope you enjoying your day as I am love! When are you heading to Victoria’s Secret to turn your sexy on? hehehe Here’s some love right back at ya! ❤️

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2014

    coco,

    I hope I don’t offend you with what I’m about to say, as it’s not my intent. I get this weird feeling about you and your intended – that you and he may be placed together as brother and sister-in-faith friends, and not meant to wed. I know couples who have set out to wed, but it doesn’t happen. It was never meant to be that type of relationship, for some reason. It usually couples who are together for a lengthy time, with intent to marry, but it doesn’t happen after many years. There’s nothing wrong with it. It just turned out to be what it was meant to be – a close, platonic friendship Allah knows best. I just thought I’d share what I feel about it. We shall see…I would be way happy to hear I was wrong and you two do marry.

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all the lovely ladies and Gents in the house,

    Shabanah,

    Hey there. You always bring the sunshine with you. It’s so nice!

    coco,

    I loved “John” in the Anna movie, as well. He is Mark Strong. I just looked him up. He played in the movie, “Zero Dark Thirty”. I didn’t realize it till now. He’s a handsome fellow and the Taissa was excellent as Anna. coco, your take on the movie makes very good sense. The scene of with the family on the porch at the end – who’s family was it? His? or was it Anna’s? Insha Allah,I’ll buy the movie. It’s definitely one I could watch again.

  • coco

    December 15, 2014

    Gail
    Omg I love you for suggesting “Anna” I LOVED it. First off I was totally smitten with John in the movie ❤️ *all hearts in my eyes* hehehe Taissa the girl playing Anna had strong presence as well and yes it turns out she was a sociopath. From my perspective the faded guy in the background wearing a black suit was Peter the guy who was remote viewing John in prison towards the end of the film. So I reckon from the start of the film it was actually John who was being remote viewed and Anna came into the story as she was a part of his memories. Hope this makes sense ☺️

  • Shabanah

    December 15, 2014

    Salaams everyone. Just taking time out of my busy day to show some love 🙂 Have a wonderful, blessed and prosperous week inshaAllah.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2014

    Gail,

    Thank you much for the movie referral. It sounds like a movie I’d enjoy. Insha Allah, I’ll look into it.

  • Gail

    December 14, 2014

    Ana,
    I have another movie/documentary type for u.I watched it today and it was sooo ummm well I don’t know but the name of the movie is called Skinwalker Ranch.It has to do with true events in 2011 about this mans son who was 8 yrs old suddenly disappeared and he had investigators come to his 1000 acre ranch to try to figure out what was going on.Again the movie claimed to be about true events.
    Anyone that wants to watch this it is freaky.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2014

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Nice post!!!

    About zodiacal signs, I think if Muslims are into the zodiac in that they see it as a means of worship, then it’s a problem. I’ve read some zodiacal information and I tend to believe that people who are born in certain months and share certain zodiacal signs have similar traits. I’m a “Cancer”, as is my mother. I know many Leos and they all have the same traits and some share the same medical issues, such as back problem.

    I think if people visit psychics to predict the future it’s a whole different animal. To look at the zodiacs to ascertain what will happen in a person’s life tomorrow etc. may be delving in the realm that we shouldn’t venture in.

    I recognize the zodiacal signs and Allah speaks of the zodiac signs in the Quran. I don’t visit psychics and I don’t try to ascertain the future. It’s me. I don’t think there is a problem with people sharing info about what month they were born in and what sign it is.

    I think zodiacal info and whether a Muslim should or shouldn’t take pics, listen to music, watch TV, and things of that nature fall under “do and don’t” that we don’t want to deal with on this blog. Muslims have varying views of it and it’s not what we want to debate here.

  • ummof4

    December 14, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Mira, please do not leave the blog. I believe that what you wanted to hear from us you’re not hearing. True friends and sisters do not tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear, even if the truth stings or hurts sometimes. You have made a valuable contribution to this blog.

    Some of us here married our husbands first and some of us here married our husbands second or third. The common thread that we seem to share is we do not like men who lie to their present wives and future wives. We ask that all Muslims tell the truth as commanded to by Allah(SWT). Lying is a sin, even though most of the world may think that it is not. Many of us also know that marriage in Islaam is not supposed to be a secret. You are not the first wife on this blog that has been kept a secret. Some married their husbands first and some married their husbands second. But regardless of the chronological order, a secret marriage is wrong and against Islam.
    Mira, as I stated previously, I pray that you have a safe delivery and a healthy baby- a baby that is acknowledged by the world as having two married parents.

    Everyone, I notice that we are beginning to speak of the signs of the zodiac. Please research this system and compare it with the teachings of Islaam. You may find that it is not for Muslims.

  • Shabanah

    December 14, 2014

    OMG-eeee…Mira honey don’t leave. You’re being given such great great advice and we’ve come to adore you. You must take the good, the bad and the ugly non sugar-coated advice and run with it, implement it. Its good stuff.

    Gail & Coco. YaY two Aquarius in our mist. Im in the Cancer squad.

  • coco

    December 14, 2014

    Gail
    No FREAKING wayyyyyyyy! lol It makes so much sense… ☺️

  • Gail

    December 13, 2014

    Coco and Shabanah,
    I am an Aquarius Also!!!

  • mira

    December 13, 2014

    Annabellah

    Thank u for replying. I won’t reply anything much to what you have posted….. I really don’t have the energy to explain and re-word so as not to be misunderstood. You have done a great job in running this blog and insya allah alot of the readers and contributors here will benefit from it.

    Coco, Shabanah, Gail, Marie, ummof4 thank u for taking your time to reply to me too…..i could not contribute much nor share anything valuable here and I’ll pray for everyone’s happiness insya allah.

  • coco

    December 13, 2014

    Shabanah
    Good luck you sexayyyyyy thang! Werk it! hehehehe ☺️

  • coco

    December 13, 2014

    Mira
    I will marry this coming year if Allah wills inshAllah ☺️

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2014

    I know of wives who married second and talk that crazy talk about a husband “pitying” a first wife. The wife who married second says such a thing to belittle and demean the first wife. The woman who married second should pity her own self that she had to marry a married man. Now, I’m saying this only to prove a point. They need to think before sh!t comes out their mouths. Women who married second don’t like being pitied. It doesn’t feel good, does it? They don’t like it when the shoe is on the other foot. They need to think and take a good look at themselves before they talk trash.

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2014

    Mira,

    Do you re-read what you write. You said if she had been doing what she was supposed to do in the marriage, he wouldn’t need or be with you. I paraphrased it. Now you’re saying you’re telling us that you asked him to “pity” his first wife and kids. The audacity of you. How would you like someone to pity you and feel sorry for you? It’s some condescending attitude you have.

    You say you ask him repeatedly to leave you and go back to his pitiful wife and kids, so to speak. It’s fine and dandy for you to tell him it now that you’ve established a year and six months relationship with him. He’s all emotionally invested in the marriage and you say go. no, WHY DON”T YOU GO? You know good and darn well that man ain’t going no wheres – and you’re pregnant too. What, you like to play games? Do you like to hear him badmouth his “pitiful” wife even further and plead to you, baby, baby, baby, please I could never leave you. My world revolves around you and blah, blah, blah. Any woman knows why the man doesn’t leave. Do you doubt his love for you? No, I didn’t think so, therefore, why do you think by you asking him to leave that he’d run up out of the relationship? – that he only needed your permission. Come on. We live in the real world.

    If you feel so badly about his first wife and kids, why don’t you pack his crap, tell him not to come back till you’re no longer a secret, and change the locks? Well, the same answer you have for that question, should give you the answer to the question as to why he won’t leave you when you ask him to. It’s not rocket science.

  • Shabanah

    December 13, 2014

    Yes in the same house. At the beginning my room was literally 10 feet away from his and the walls are paper. I always knew when him and his second wife were gettn down. I went crazy i reacted in ways im not proud of. At the time i didnt have a car so i couldn’t leave the environment i just had to endure. I felt suffocated. Now im on the 3rd floor and i dont hear a thing but a wife always knows. What can a girl do. I cant believe i made it through that tornado. At one point i was pregnant going through that and my emotions ran extra high.
    I dont mind the questions you ask or the amount keep em coming. Answering questions actually rids the negative residue that remains within so thanks. Im going to try and make sexy plans to get whats mines as sweetheart Gail drilled into my head

  • Mira

    December 13, 2014

    Shabanah

    OMG. In the same house shabanah? Seriously???? See. This is what I meant. There are so many women here that have way more experience in this polygamy issue than I am.

    Subhannallah Shabanah….how do you cope???? I am shocked. Shabanah….maybe you can try to seduce your husband every few days for some quiet time together….it doesn’t have to happen at night

    But why is it that at times you woun’t be able to have him a few months straight despite being in the same house? Sorry if i ask too many questions but I am shocked and curious of what a strong individual you are.

    Thank you for the navigation system metaphor advise hehe makes alot of sense!

    Coco,
    I wanted to ask you….are you getting married soon cos I saw you mentioned the word fiance? Sorry for being so nosy

  • Shabanah

    December 13, 2014

    As salaamu alaikum everyone. Thinking of all of you wonderful folks and wishing you a stress free lovely day 🙂

  • coco

    December 13, 2014

    Shabanah
    Yes I watch cricket, but in all honestly I don’t understand the game completely still learning I’m slow when it comes to sports not my thing at ALLLLLLLL hehehe My fiancé is a cricket player he got me into cricket forcefully he said you have to love cricket if you love me lol so I pretend to love it and know the scores in case he asks me 😉 but it actually is very interesting once you start watching a game. And you made me laugh with your inception comment, it reminded me of when I watched it with my brother I kept pestering him okay so on what level are they on now!!!!! Hehehe I LOVED your post to Mira especially the example you gave of how dua works as a navigation system wow! You are one smart cookie and have got a very kind hearted soul may Allah bless you. Much love xo

    P.S I’m a February baby too… A true aquarian ☺️

  • Shabanah

    December 13, 2014

    Mira,

    Remain strong as you have been. You sound content with the decree of Allah Ta’ala. Thats the best way to be. Allah knows where you are and where you want to be. You said you made dua im positive Allah has answered them you just have to go through some things to get there. That’s how making dua works. Like a navigation system sort of. You select where u r and where you want to go but it doesn’t tell u on the way there would be traffic or construction taking place on the way. Just hang in there. Its okay to cry and feel this way. Its perfectly normal. Shaytaan wants this test to get the best of you. Don’t let it. Just find comfort in the fact that in this blog you are surrounded by love and warn hearted well experienced strong selfless individuals. No ones marriage is perfect we all have something going on big or small. Like me, i live with my husband and his two wives, their children, im not a secret wife but i don’t sleep in my husbands room for months at a time. Once every 5-6 months that is. I have needs and desires but I’ve come to terms this is where Allah wants me and this is the test HE placed before me and wants me to endure with patience and steadfastness.

    I’ll keep you in my Dua’s and the baby. My eldest son’s birthday is in February too 🙂

  • Mira

    December 13, 2014

    Gail and Shabana

    Thank you for being gentle with your reply to me (pregnancy hormones ain’t doing me any good)

    Should anything happen to him while he is with me than I will deal with it there and then. I’ll simply inform his parents that so and so have died…and he is my husband etc etc. I have already pictured this in my head alot of times. I have mentioned this to him and he agrees.

    Should he die when he isn’t around with me, I’ll come and visit him where ever he is and leave the matter quiet. He is gone and I don’t need to cause an uproar with his grieving wife and parents and children. I have mentioned this to him too and he was just shocked. I guess I must have come across as unexpected. But I honestly don’t see the point of introducing myself as his 2nd wife once he is no longer around.

    Should I encounter problem while he isn’t with me….I’ll deal with it myself. There isn’t much I can do. I can’t force him to be with me 24/7 just cos I am pregnant with his child. Having him around for once a month for a night together…i consider myself very blessed. He didn’t say not to contact him when he is with his 1st wife.

    His normal routine
    is to text me once he is up in the morning at 8am.
    Followed by a 15-30 mins later text from him already left his house to go to work.
    He will either call me when he already left his other home or I will call him.
    We will chat for a while and he will go on with his day.
    I am free to call him anytime from the moment he steps out of his home till he reach our home.
    Once he is back at our home…he will charge his hp and will not touch it till he leaves our home at 9pm – 10pm. I didn’t set this rule…its just him that does that.
    When he already park his car at his other home, he will call me first to chat and then he will enter his home and text me before he sleeps or wind down.

    That’s our normal routine. Am I contented? Is he treating me fair? I do not know the answers to any of these questions. I am still as confused as ever.

    I have been a single mother since 2007 till 2013 and have been independent since. I would consider marrying my husband now is a bonus that Allah SWT have given to me – a companion.

    Ouh if some are wondering…I come from Singapore….and polygamy here is not widely practiced….i’m 30 this year with a 9 year old son that shares the same birthday as me! He is my pride and joy 🙂 A very loving boy that loves me fiercely 😀

    Met my present husband in July 2009 (his 1st wife was 1 month shy of giving birth to his 1st child. Found that out later years down the road) and married him on 10 May 2013 and now I’m pregnant with our 1st child due in Feb 2015.

    I hope everyone else is enjoying this weekend with your family and husband 🙂

  • anabellah

    December 12, 2014

    Gail,

    I thing you’ve right!!! Yes, it makes total sense that it would make her a Sociopath. You solved it yourself. You go girl. 🙂

  • Gail

    December 12, 2014

    Ana,
    OH Yeah u could be right.So here is the thing if her memories were lies and none of that really happened to her then she was really a Sociopath?

  • Gail

    December 12, 2014

    Mira,
    I felt the same way u do now when I found out what my husband did.My world as I knew it came crashing down around me and I felt so different than anyone else I knew and I felt so ashamed. I isolated myself for yrs and when I did come out and told someone I had known my entire life they just told me flat out to divorce and get out of that mess.Bottom line they did not understand.I felt more alienated.I don’t have any friends other than the blog.It doesn’t bother me most of the time as I have my kids and husband and business.

  • anabellah

    December 12, 2014

    Gail,

    I thought the black dressed man was the guy who hired the reader, but it wasn’t her real memory – it was a lie.

  • Gail

    December 12, 2014

    Ana,
    Great minds think alike it seems Gail is also my middle name .lol
    Yeah look for the Black dressed man.It shows someone attacking her sexually in black at the start but this black dressed man is there in like every memory.

  • anabellah

    December 12, 2014

    Gail,

    I don’t even remember a black dressed man in her dreams. I’m telling you; I deal better with straight up dramas. I can get with anything that resembles real life. When it comes to a movie that I have to try to figure out – (in my Italian voice) FORGET ABOUT IT. You’d have to explain it to me like I’m a two year old LOL I intend to watch it again, though, and will look for the black dressed man.

    Everyone,

    FYI, a little tidbit of info: my real middle name is Ann. My grandma’s name was Annie Lee, so my mom made my middle name Ann, somewhat after my grandma’s name. So, I thought to use Ana as my screen name here.

  • Shabanah

    December 12, 2014

    Mira, this is a very delicate very sad situation. I know you want to have your husband there to hold and make you feel loved if not every night then at least you’re fair share of his time. It just seems like you’re damned if you do, damned if you
    don’t. Have you tried sitting down with your husband and having a very serious heart to heart? If not, you should try and make sure you explain to him how living as a secret wife is affecting you. Maybe he doesn’t realize just how much this is hurting you.

    Coco,
    You watch cricket? I do not understand it AT ALL.

    Ummof4,
    That would be ultimately hilarious if some of us actually know each other and we bump into one another at the meet and greet

    This movie Anna sounds interesting. I read the synopsis im sure I’ll be lost as i was when i watched inception. These type are confusing. You have to watch more than once.

  • Gail

    December 12, 2014

    Coco,
    I loved the way u described yourself it was way awesome.

  • ummlana

    December 12, 2014

    Salam, hello everyone
    Im reading the posts on my way back from work. You ladies are hilarious!! I just love the way everyone in the blog is commenting.. : )
    Mira,
    I for one was a secret wife and boy was it difficult. Firstly because I didn’t know my hubby had 3 other wives !!. My marriage didn’t even seem real because of its secrecy. When I did find out Iwas like you. I wanted to keep myself away from friends and family because of how beautiful their monogamy marriage is. And how their husband is always with them etc. It was a while before I said to myself enough is enough and literally forced myself to do the things I like. Get in touchwith ffriends.it felt soo good.I opened up. honestly speaking I would advise anyone not to isolate / disconnect themselves from family friends and doingthe tthings they like. Were humans and we sure do need those close to us.

  • Shabanah

    December 12, 2014

    Ummof4,

    Ah yi yi, definitely something to ponder on. Never saw it from that perspective. Wow.

  • Gail

    December 12, 2014

    Ana,
    Sorry I threw u for a loop I was talking about my sister inlaws.I just call them my sisters in real life.My youngest sister inlaw was 14 when my husband and I married and she has always called me Gail Mom.I don’t know why she just has done it from day one and it stuck.She is now married and has her own child and still she calls me Gail Mom.I complain about my inlaws all the time because they drive me nuts but in reality I really do get along fabulously with my sister inlaws.Just really my MIL and FIL rub me the wrong way with how they deal with family issues I would never have done the crap they did.
    I also like the idea of a meet and greet.It would be amazing and so much fun.I think one thing would be so strange though we know each other by r screen names it would be so weird since I know u as Ana but your real name is Jennifer or Ummof4 real name is Diana lol.We would for sure have to have name tags with r polygamy ID names on them with real name on them so I would not get confused who is who hahahahha.I’m a little slow.
    I am really happy u liked the movie “Ana”I also want to see it again.I think u right about the end of the movie.Did u ever figure out who the black dressed man was in her dreams.I was perplexed who that guy was because the remote reader said she would not be able to see him in her dreams from what I understood.I don’t know I really have to watch it again.I rarely find movies that just capture my imagination like this one did.U r right the actress in the movie was amazing.

    Coco,
    I think it was u who said u r going to watch the movie it is a really good movie I just happened to stumble across it when going through a list of movies to watch online and picked it.Let us know what u think and your thoughts on it.Esp about the black dressed man.

    Shabanah,
    So I was right u were mixed thats awesome!!

    I

  • ummof4

    December 12, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Jum’uah Mubarak!

    Mira, one other thought. What if a catastrophe befalls you or your child? Are you forbidden to contact your husband when he’s not with you? If you are not conscious and a major medical decision has to be made concerning you, who will make that decision? It should be your husband. But if you are a secret, who will know and be able to contact him?

  • coco

    December 12, 2014

    Shabanah
    Thank you and I like the sound of mrs. thang kekeke ☺️ It’s actually miss not mrs yet, I intend to marry when Allah wills hopefully soon inshAllah. It’s oh so amazing how others perceive us by the style of our writing and how distinct each of our imaginations are. Anyhow my day is swell so far I just finished watching a cricket match, hope your enjoying yourself as well! xo

  • ummof4

    December 12, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Well, I’m not going to describe myself, that can wait until we have a polygamy411 meeting face to face. Which I believe will be a good idea. Those of us who want to attend can attend, and those of us who want to remain anonymous can choose not to attend. Some of us are in other countries, so I agree, we should take at least a year to plan the event. What will be funny is if we meet and find out that some of us already know each other.

    Mira, of course only you can decide when or if to reveal that you are married. I am sure that your husband is not an evil man, but he is a liar. My concern for you and your unborn child is your reputation. I know of many children who were kept secret for years, only their father knew about them. They never were able to meet their siblings, their grandparents or other family members. As children they often suffered from extreme anger or low self-esteem. Why am I not good enough to be acknowledged by my father? He acknowledges his other children.

    The other concern I have is what if some catastrophe befalls your husband. His wife would not get in touch with you. He could be seriously injured or dead and you would never know. Or vice versa, what if he is seriously injured or dies when he is with you? What would you tell his wife? That you two were just friends and he just happened to be with you at the time?

    Just some food for thought. Remember, it’s not just about you and your husband and what the two of you want and feel comfortable with. A lot of other people’s lives are being impacted by your decision to marry a married man.

  • Shabanah

    December 12, 2014

    Coco,

    I really really admire and believe in the advice you gave mira. Well said mrs thang. In my head i imagine you to be african American but thats my silly ol mind.

    I pray all of you are having a blessed productive day/night.

  • Mira

    December 12, 2014

    Coco

    Thank you for your kind words and advises. I for one just realised that I do not raise my voice to him. EVER. But I do realise that when I try to go missing from him for a few hours on days that I am emotionally unstable or disturbed…he will get damn worried. Trust me. This marriage is a love and hate relationship.

    I know many here will think how crazy I am to be able to go through this and continue being kept hidden…yes I suffer in silence…..but I know that Allah SWT will never test me beyond my means.

    I refuse to go out unless necessary nor keep in touch with any friends mainly bcos it will make me even more depressed. I see them leading a beautiful normal married life (monogamy) and don’t have to deal with what I do on a daily basis. They have their husband home every night…..asleep with them every night….wake up to everyday. I sleep with and empty side and wake up to an empty side.

    This is my brain and emotions talking.

    I have so much more to learn on this journey and I hope the ladies here can help me along….

  • coco

    December 12, 2014

    Ana
    I think Gail meant her sister in laws hahaha And in Kirk Lazarus words “HOT DAMNNNN” lol I just love Love LOVE the idea of a meet and greet for polygamy411 of course given everyone is available at the same time of the year. I’m so so in! Bless you again for this sanctuary for us to turn to.
    Lots of love ❤️☺️

    Gail
    I’m aiming to watch Anna this weekend will let you know what I think!

  • coco

    December 12, 2014

    Mira
    I can really empathise with your situation, for you to find out by mistake that your husband who you are meant to marry is already married really just leaves one mentally stagnant for a moment or two. Your perfect life just seems to lose all its meaning and existence in that very moment. I can relate to a certain extent in the sense of such a matter being revealed unexpectedly. The Pathan man that I was to marry soon ended up getting married for his ill father’s “respect” in tribe. I was completely foreign to such a thing as I was born and bred in the states. And whenever I did visit Pakistan it was in a city rather than a village they function much differently. That wasn’t the worst part lol the worst part was the way I found out. I’m going thru my facebook randomly and his cousin put up a picture of him wearing a traditional flower garland around his neck and standing with a brother and two cousins with one shaking his hand. Now this is worn either when a kid finishes reading the Quran for the first time or for ones nikkah, clearly I wasn’t confused! lol that really just felt like the carpet was pulled from under my feet, my head hit the ground hard! I’m very unconventional by nature if he would have just told me that he has to do this for his family honour and he has no choice Wallahee I would have stood next to him, it’s the honestly I crave I cannot put up with lies but him hiding something so enormous hurt me more than the fact that I now would have half of him given I stayed. Men are cowards they’d rather hide under a carpet with their hands over their eyes than man up. I tried to walk out and cut him out of my life maybe I wasn’t meant to or maybe I was weak not sure it didn’t help that he refused to let go he sung exactly the right tune I needed to hear. It’s right about then I began searching of polygany as the only thing I was aware of was that it’s permitted in islam and that’s about it. I stumbled upon this blog and Alhumdulliah! I really found solace here just reading everyone’s posts as Shabanah said taught me so so much. Ana had a very different way of interpreting and analysing while Gail’s perspective would leave me cracking up when I should be crying I will always remember the first thing she ever said to me which was “ARE YOU CRAZYYYYY!!!!??????” Lmao. This place really saved me from losing my sanity, how to cope, learn what I may have ahead of me. But I learnt here and got the intuition that I am exactly where Allah meant for me to be I felt no regret or bitterness, I believe I was meant to endure this pain, I was meant to flourish and expand in patience, selflessness and love for other human beings. Mira hang in there, listen to everyone’s valuable words but then after collecting everyone’s thoughts you hear your inner self and you will figure it all out. This is a test to polish your soul. What Allah wants to be revealed will be, so as much as your husband hides under the carpet the truth is bound to come out and he will have to face it. If he wants to take time to break this on his wife why don’t you ask him to at least get you to meet his parents. Don’t fight or bicker with him stay calm, stay patient and get your points across. “Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” Rumi. InshAllah you will be out in the open no longer hidden just have faith, hold on to hope and trust Allah as he is the ultimate one in control of this universe. Much love to you and the beautiful sisters here 🙂 xo

  • anabellah

    December 12, 2014

    Gail,

    How in the world did you get Punjabi sisters when you are a Caucasian American Missourian? You just threw me through a loop or however the saying goes.

    I’m off for a nap. Insha Allah, catch you all later.

  • anabellah

    December 12, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    Oooops, I did it again. I unintentionally approved some posts and not others from my phone. Please check the “recent comments” on the right-hand side of the main page to make sure you didn’t miss any, especially since there are multiple threads going at once. I apologize for any inconvenience. Thank you all.

    Gail,

    Yes, I finished watching the movie Anna this morning at about 2:00. I really liked it a lot – enough to buy and add to my collection. As coco stated, the girl actress is really a very good actress. She’s very pretty too. It’s a perplexing movie at the end, as you said. I think the end is suppose to provoke thought. The ending left me scratching my head, especially the one scene. I don’t want to say much, as I know some will probably want to see it themselves. I definitely want to watch it again. I didn’t get a chance to look up “remote viewing” before I watched the movie, but I intend to. I’m with you that it is a very interesting topic.

    Shabanah, I forwarded you an email with my email address 🙂

    Everyone,

    Yes, a meet and greet for polygamy411 sounds better the more I think of it. I think my wali’s wife would help me arrange it. We’ll set up it up at a nice hotel with a discount rate, and halal food, a tour of the city (maybe the Sex and the City bus LOL). We’d have to give plenty of notice, at least a year, Insha Allah, so people could plan the air arrangements etc. It should not be that costly for anyone. I’ll look into it. Maybe make it a 2 nights, three days. I think it would be fun.

  • Shabanah

    December 12, 2014

    Gail, you have me cracking up over here. Your descriptions are hilarious. I also assume Anna and fatima look like their pictures. I think you and I would get along very well as I tend to gravitate more to people much older than I. Im African/American/Asian. My great grandfather was Asian and im 5″7. Ana how could I send you a picture? A polygamy 411 meet and greet sounds awesome.

    Mari2, I think you should just keep silent and let Allah swt take care of it as HE is the revealer and concealer of all affairs. Wise talk is silver, silence is gold.

  • coco

    December 12, 2014

    Assalaamualiekum and a hello to everyone!
    I totally get where Shabanah is at with the blog, I myself found everyone fascinating and was lost in the wonderment of these kindred spirits. I am giggling reading about Gail’s appearance as she’s just as I imagined her to be except for the red hair lol that was a surprise but it so so does make sense and suit her personality! Hehehe Ana I reckon has a very calm demeanor and bet one just gets in a state of solace in her presence some people have that effect on others. Laila not sure why I imagine her to be the type to have a signature blow out all the time she sounds like the sort for some reason. Mmmmm as for myself I’m shorter than you all but it’s all okay cuz I’m 5’7 in heels lol I tend to wear heels when at work or a night out. I have thick black signature straight hair that I occasionally curl up when in the mood. I’m definitely a hair person, apart from my signature cat eye I’m not into makeup especially foundation, powder and lipstick eeeek! My skin is very fair, cheeks are rosy BUT not too convenient cuz when I’m pissed, embarrassed or feel shy they flare up like burners lol My eyes are a milk chocolaty brown that I smoke up with black eyeliner. I don’t have a very traditional Pakistani look as my family originated from Russia and migrated to Kashmir so I’m usually mistaken for being Pathan or Kashmiri which I am when in Pakistan and Middle Eastern, Greek or Spanish when in the states. It’s so funny as Spirited stated people do come up and start speaking their language lol I was raised in Miami so many people would speak Spanish and when I’d explain no no I don’t speak Espaneol I would get the occasional shaking head saying you should be proud of your heritage their ain’t nothing to be ashamed of :/ lol This year took a toll on me, I believe prayer and chocolate saved me, literally! 🙂 But I did gain 15 pounds in the process, it’s not much but for a short person it’s noticeable. Being a chocolate addict has its disadvantages! lol I’ve been off of sugar for about 10 days getting myself right back on track to a skinnie minnie that I was inshAllah. I’m soft spoken and do get mistaken for being 22-24 as I look much younger than I actually am mashAllah NO complaints here! lol I’m very patient by nature it’s my strongest trait, I remain calm under immense pressure and NEVER show my emotions I’m always A-okay to the world even if turbulent from within. My biggest flaw is that when I’m angry or upset with someone I turn stone ice cold ignore mode goes full ON! So that’s me! hehehe
    Jumma Mubarak everyone xo 🙂

  • Gail

    December 12, 2014

    Ana,
    Did u get to finish the Ana movie?

  • Gail

    December 12, 2014

    Spirited,
    OK don’t laugh I pictured u as the typical Punjabi girl.I think Punjabi girls are very beautiful.My 5 sisters are Punjabi and they r all really beautiful.Now in saying that I thought u were about 5’3 so u r much taller than I thought.I pictured u a shade or 2 darker and chunky for some reason.lol I love how u described your dark upper lip.I have a little niece that has dark lips she is sooo beautiful.Her name is Samana and she is just a doll.
    I also think Iranian woman r very beautiful and my husband also says Kashmir people r alot lighter.My husband is very light compared to his 2 other brothers.His sisters r light and he is light but his 2 brothers are some darker but not so dark like most.
    When I said Typical Pakistani girls I should have mentioned I think Pakistani woman are soooo beautiful.The dark skin dark features really is very beautiful.
    Strangely my sisters think I am very beautiful because of my white skin.GO figure! hahah

  • Gail

    December 12, 2014

    Spirited,
    Exactlyyy that has also been my personal experience also the guys family is High and mighty and the girls family takes the crap.Thats what happened in my case my excowife took it and took it until he finally kicked her off then after he kicked her off she got pissed but it was to late that time.I really do not believe Mari2 marriage is exactly how she is perceiving it exactly to be.I do however think that her husband complains about his cousin and her family and it comes out like demands from his side when I doubt that is the case at all.I would be shocked if they demanded anything to be frank.I am not saying it could not happen their are always exceptions to the rule but I never seen it happen to be frank.We have had 4 cousin marriages in out family and I am very familiar.Even when it is not a cousin marriage the girls never demand anything from what I have seen.My one brother inlaw was wanting to remarry and be Polygamous but my sister inlaw screamed so bad and my mother inlaw stepped in and told him if he is going to do polygamy then he has to give my sister inlaw his entire check but my other brother inlaws stepped in and forbid him to not do it because 3 of my sister inlaws are married to 3 brothers outside the family so the other 2 brothers were protecting their marriages in that case.My sister inlaw was lucky I guess u can say in that case although I found it hypocritical of my MIL to scream and demand such a thing for her daughter but did not give a crao about me and my excowife the B!tch.

  • Mira

    December 12, 2014

    I can relate to this…I am a secret wife.

    What do I stand to gain from this?

    Nothing much in my opinion except for his companionship and him being a good dad to my 9 year old son from my previous marriage and to our unborn child (arriving in Feb 2015 insya allah)

    I am trying not to sound ungrateful for all the time he have spent with me and my son and sacrificed for us but I do wish that he have the guts to come clean to his 1st wife. The ladies here have been very honest with their thoughts and I am very grateful for all the inputs……made me think alot.

    Maybe just one day….I will no longer be kept hidden….maybe…

  • Spirited

    December 12, 2014

    Salaam everyone~

    @Mari2, eugh, what a mess…honestly, it is really all your husband and mother-in-law’s doing. Oh I bet they know how them keeping quiet will cause problems later on, but they’re gonna do what they want to do. Its most likely time for you to put your foot down and demand certain things to happen or you leave. You really are able to take care of yourself (I would say you’re better off than your husband, actually). Anyway the final decision comes to you. Its obvious though that the two of them don’t have anything pleasant planned (at least not the mother-in-law. your husband might just be playing it stupid and doing the “i’ll just deal with whatever comes up when it comes up” like my excuse of an idiot is).

    Although thinking about it, I don’t see why the girl’s family are even being demanding in the first place. Is it just because its a cousin marriage? Typically, the wife’s family are the ones who give, not demand. And the wife’s family try to keep everything nice so that the husband doesn’t get PO’d and dump the “used goods” woman back at her parents’ home. I have to admit though, I’m not too experienced with cousin marriages. I only personally know of one (an acquaintance in Pakistan), and in that one, its the same as any other marriage over there — the husband’s side act high and mighty and are treated like royalty, because the wife’s family are afraid that the husband could cause problems for the girl (divorce, take the kids, etc). The wife’s family doesn’t dare ask for anything (forget demands, lol). I think the last thing they politely requested was that the deadbeat husband finish building the addition to the house that was supposed to be the girl’s room (it was supposed to be done before they got married, but wasn’t). The guy got angry and separated from the girl for a few months and you should have seen all the frenzy and begging and gifting the girl’s family had to do to get him to take her back… /sigh, even though this was a cousin marriage. In your husband’s family, it seems to be completely opposite, strange.

    I still stand by what I said before — if your husband grew some balls and stood up for what is right, you wouldn’t have the issues you’re finding yourself wondering about. 🙁 I don’t have a clue what would be the best course of action if you don’t want the threat of leaving the marriage popping up. From the sound of things, your husband probably wouldn’t listen to you much anyways (he hasn’t so far). Real head-scratcher of a situation.

    @Gail, lol its cute trying to imagine what the bloggers look like. I have also been imagining a few people, though I’m sure I’m way off. Eeehhhhh but, what does a typical Pakistani look like anyhow? lol. I’ve actually been called anything BUT a Pakistani by people guessing. Let’s see…most often, people guess Egyptian. Sometimes, someone will come up to me and instantly start talking and I’m not understanding what they’re saying — I have to think to myself, “ok, that doesn’t sound like Urdu, Punjabi, English, German, OR Japanese…” then I have to stop the other person and tell them I don’t know the language they’re using, then I get a confused “You aren’t Egyptian?”. Other guesses include Arabian, Iranian, and even Spanish (wha?). I’m usually flattered by the mistakes, I mean heck, have you SEEN Iranian women? They’re gorgeous! I don’t personally think I look near good enough to any of those ethnicities, but what do I know.
    When I’m IN Pakistan, they always assume I’m from the north — one of the Kashmir clans, which technically is half-correct, but anyhow, I never really understood why. Its funny, if they get me by myself, they’ll come over and whisper the Kashmiri family names asking which I am, and when I answer “actually, I’m Punjabi”, they have this look like “w-t-f?” then quietly scamper away. One time, the way the lady looked at me, I felt like I had insulted her with my answer, rofl.

    But hmm may as well give you a bit o’ general info since you’ve been curious! I’m about 5’7-5’8-ish (probably like 5’7.5″) and 130lbs. Black hair, dark brown eyes (booooo, I would have loved the light brown ALL my siblings but me has, rofl), freckled light-ish skin (the only one of my siblings with freckled skin), aaaand a naturally dark upper lip, pink bottom lip (also something only I have). Mentioning that last thing because its an obvious noticeable feature, unless I have a deep color lipstick on Side note, my grandmother loved that I had a dark upper lip, she used to say it was a mark of beauty in the old days. (random fact of the day)

    Whelp, I’m gonna hit the hay. Catch you guys around.

  • anabellah

    December 11, 2014

    Mari2,

    I maybe should leave it alone, but I will say it anyhow. I think you should let her know because it’s only right. We each have to ask ourselves what we would want to happen, if we were the girl.

    Gail has been through it. It happened to her. She felt that she was a fool. All her husband’s family and his other wife, at the time, knew, except her. It’s a hurting thing. I think the girl has a right to know before he marries her, so she could say yea or nay. He wants to get it done and lock her into it. It’s a selfish, heartless thing the man is about to do. I doubt it would change the girl mind about marrying him, but it’s not what you would tell her for.

    No good can come from a lie. The girl is not in the wrong here. The people such as her mother, the girl’s brother, her fiance (your husband), and his mother are dead wrong. It may not be your direct problem, but it will effect you. She will think she is in a monogamous marriage as the only wife. She will expect much from her husband and much for her family from her husband, as well.

    At least if she knows the truth about you, she would have to come to terms with the fact that your husband is polygamous. She is equal to you. The same as she wants certain things from your husband, so do you. You shouldn’t have to take less or be seen as less, just for him to continue to live a lie. She is no better than you. You are real and you exist. It makes no sense to perpetuate a lie. Your husband is straight up wrong.

    I have a feeling your husband will “recycle” you as well. He’d probably feel lost here in the U.S. or U.K. (where ever you are) without you. Alhumdulliah you have the financial means to care for yourself and not be dependent on your husband. Thank Allah much for it.

    As Musa Muhammed said, pray on it, and do what you’re inspired to do. It’s all you could do. What will be, will be…

  • anabellah

    December 11, 2014

    I only speak about some of the ladies here and what they look like as I know they wouldn’t mind, based on my private discussions with them. I will say and have said about Fatima, (as I know she doesn’t mind), that yes, she is skinny mini for sure. It suits her though. She’s not anorexic or anything of that nature. She’s just tiny. All of the ladies who have sent me pics are beautiful and unique each in their own way. Putting pics with the faces does create a bond. I’m still not going to rule out have a polygamy 411 meet and greet, maybe in N.Y. City. Insha Allah, I’d arrange it (not pay for it all, of course, but we’d figure it out).

    I don’t talk much about me on this blog, as I don’t want people focusing on what I am when I write. I just want them to take what I say and accept it or reject it on what is said and not who is saying it. Thus far, it’s worked well. So, I will just leave it at that, and not elaborate anymore about it on the blog for the time being. Oh, I forgot to say, Gail, you’re right though – long dark hair.

    Shabanah,

    I’m sooooo happy to hear the blog has been helpful to you. It has helped all of us in some way or another. It’s all good

  • anabellah

    December 11, 2014

    Oh, Gail, I fell asleep on the “Anna” movie. It seems Allah has relieved me of my insomnia that plagued me for years. Now, I go to sleep most of the time – I can’t say like a normal person – as many people suffer from insomnia, which is becoming the norm.

  • anabellah

    December 11, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone,

    Oooops, sometimes I approve comments without intention out of order. So, everyone, please check to make sure you haven’t missed comments, especially since we’ve got a few threads going simultaneously – the Pakistani Beware; the polygamy pain-free and secret wives.

    Dear Gail,

    You made me chuckle. I think you was referring to “Marie” when you said “Mari and mari2”. I chuckled because you said you think Marie is black. I said the same to her. I was so surprised that she wasn’t, after I received her pic. LOL I let her know I thought she was black because she talks about “babies mama’s” Lol. When she said it on the blog, I said, oh, okay, girlfriend is black LOL. No, she’s not black. I’ll only take the liberty to say that much, but not say what she is. You got it right that I am 5’5″, but not skinny minnie. I’m not fat either. I fluxtuate between a size 12 and an eight, but stay consistent more so with a 12, which works well for my frame. I keep WORKing on getting back to my 8 and staying there. Although, I’m a bit what some would call lazy. I find time to do workouts. Long hair I have, but you’d probably be surprised at what type of long hair LOL – No fake hair for sure. It’s all I’ve got to say about me, for now.

    I’ll be back. I just got home and I’ve got umpteen things to do.

    @Marie,

    Yeah, I initially thought Gail was talking about the “Anabelle” movie with the doll, which I think I may want to check out. It was in the theatre and it caught my attention as maybe being good to watch.

  • Gail

    December 11, 2014

    Shabanah,
    I am unsure about u if I had to guess u would be a white or mix woman from the North in USA since Islam is more popular in the North than the South to my knowledge.Everyone identity is kept secret on the blog but it is fun to wonder what others would look like.

  • Gail

    December 11, 2014

    Shabanah,
    I am your typical overweight 5’6 white American woman age 43 have dark brownish red hair and blue eyes raised in Arkansas and now lives in Missouri.I am hot tempered so my reddish hair suits me well.lol I always say G.D blessed me with everything except patience.I am not one to hold my feelings in.I explode all over the place then I am perfectly fine and go on like nothing ever happened.I hate that but that seems to be the way I am.I could never hold my feelings inside I would have a heart attack or brain aneurysm or something.Hope this helps.I also always wonder what everyone looks like.
    I picture Ana with long dark hair skinny minnie 5’5 eyes I don’t know.It is fun to speculate and Fatima I just assume that is her pic with the blond hair woman and another skinny minnie LOL I picture Ummof4 as ethnic but not really certain what ethnic group but I see her as a little chubby kinda like me with dark hair and maybe glasses.lol Spirited your typical Pakistani girl she is pretty easy same with Coco.Mari and mari2 for some reason I picture her as a Black and I think UK.Mari I picture as white woman from somewhere up north in USA.Ashes I picture her as a white girl blond hair blue or green eyes. Laila I see her as ethnic sense she is from Malaysia dark hair dark eyes. Denise average white woman with middle to dark brown hair.lol etc…….

  • Musa Mohammed

    December 11, 2014

    Asa I see a lot of good response , but on the cousin ordeal that’s a critical issue but it must be addressed sounds like you need to pray to Allah and do the right thing and talk out as adults or you may have to move on. That simple

  • Marie

    December 11, 2014

    Mari2

    Personally I would let cousin girl know, but my hubz said that’s not any of the current wives business what information he tells any additional wives, we didn’t agree on that. I believe it’s the right thing to do as I would want to know.

    Other than the risk that your husband may intend to divorce you if you tell on him. If you do tell and the sh@t hits the fan, he may blame you for any family drama that takes place, swearing that everything would have worked out rosy had he done it his way.

    What alarmed me, is what Gail said, that after they are married and she comes to find out she will complain to her family who will be gunning for your husband to divorce you. It’s a sticky situation.

  • Shabanah

    December 11, 2014

    Hey there everyone. Im here silently reading 😉 I’ve been reading up on all the previous discussions so I could learn a little bit more about all of you. It’s funny how you imagine how everyone looks by reading the way they speak. I first imagined Gail to be a puertorican/american muslim but after reading and reading I see she is a lovely well experienced wonderful strong woman. Ana you give very very great advice. This blog has saved me in so many ways. It has given me a whole new perspective on my life. Coco, ina mira,marie2 ummif4 laila im learning so much. Shukran for your words of wisdom

  • Gail

    December 10, 2014

    Mari2,
    I don’t see it as u throwing him under the bus as much as I see u telling him to please go and stand in front of the car so u can run his A$$ over by telling the girl the truth! hahahah These men act like they r all Macho but the real truth is most of them are scared of their own Shadows.Thats why they don’t tell the truth in the first place.They r just flat scared to own up to what they have done.I for one and not scared I always flat tell my husband u just go hide and see what I do.He don’t tell me crap because he knows I am going to flat tell the truth and blow him sky high.

  • Gail

    December 10, 2014

    I don’t see Polygamy as much as a womans problem as I do the mans problem to be honest.
    Men go about polygamy all wrong to start with they do not inform their wives on squat.Oh maybe a few do but the majority NO WAY!They themselves are hiding marriages and children and acting like nothing is wrong with it and to top it off when they r found out alot of wives do stay in the marriage.Yes some leave but the majority I think stay and suffer and live a crap life with liar and cheat.To top it off he then starts this cycle of marrying and divorcing woman .Now in that sense woman should think ahead and lay down the law and tell the husband one more lie will get his A$$ a free ticket to divorce court.It’s not cool to be played it really sucks to be frank.

  • Gail

    December 10, 2014

    Ana and Mari2,
    I can totally relate to this nonsense since I was the one being played like your future cowife.Mari2 I see it like this u r at a crossroads in your life u can either speak up or be silent the choice is totally yours and u r going to have to live with the choice u make positive or negative.It will boil down to nothing more than can u knowingly put your head on the chopping block for the sake of the truth.I feel it really boils down to this.I wish my excowife hands down would have told me before I married my husband.I can assure 100% I would not have married him because I would have known he is a liar.Now had him and her come to me before marriage and explained the situation and asked me 75% chance I would have still said no but I would have respected them more than I do now thats is for certain.
    I think u should 100% tell her because it is the truth.I love the truth over a LIE not the other way around.I am still struggling with my husband on this issue.Don’t think your husband will wake up one day and change.See it like this if he can hide something this HUGE from his soon to be wife then what has he hid from u or what will he HIDE from u in the future?I honest to G.D think like this all the time.We should never forgive people until we see some action seeing change is my thoughts.Words without actions means nothing as far as I am concerned.
    I will tell u this straight up and I would assume any Pakistani woman on this blog will tell u the same as me.The majority of Pakistani females do not accept Polygamy.If she marries him statistically speaking she will complain to her mother and your mother inlaw may flat tell her son to get rid/divorce u.SHe also may not but lets face it she is family/blood and u r not and if her mother cries enough then yeah I can totally see it as a problem.These cousin marriages are zero benefit to foreign wives straight up.

  • Mari2

    December 10, 2014

    @ Ana
    I already exposed him to the people that should have cared, but I was just written off as a crazy girl/ignored. Yeah he could divorce me. Maybe he will in the future. Who really knows? Financially I will be fine. But honestly I do think his family will try to recycle me in some way.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2014

    Everyone,

    What do you think? Should Mari2 throw him under the bus? Should she expose him? What does she have to lose? other than her marriage. It’s doesn’t appear to be a good marriage to me.

    Should she give everyone a reality check

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2014

    Listen to him and be quiet. Oh, yeah??? Reeeeealy??? I don’t think so. That’s whacked. Allah swt tells us not to obey anyone who neglects the remembrance of Him. Nothing you’ve said leads me to believe your husband even thinks about Allah as a passing thought. May Allah forgive me, if I’m wrong. None of what that man is doing is Islamically correct. He’s lying to a girl he’s about to marry. He’s keeping you a secret. It has nothing to do about Islam. You are correct; our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) had no wives, as secrets wives. It didn’t happen.

  • Mari2

    December 10, 2014

    But the prophet never married another in secret and waylaid her with the idea she was the only one. Yes, sure I could get along with my husband’s cousin. But when/if she finds out about me, what will her reaction be? And I will never blame her if she reacts negatively. If I was in her shoes I would certainly be very upset. I just do not understand why, if polygamy is okay, men just can’t be honest. Yes you are right. The pretending crap sucks. Many times I ask myself “what if he divorces me if I speak the truth?” What will happen? I already tried to tell the truth and M won’t listen. He just cajoles me for not listening to him and making problems “You need to listen to me! Be quiet.”

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2014

    Jealousy hurts the person who is jealous, and could harm the person who is the subject of the jealousy. Jealousy does not foster brotherly love.

    Jealousy is a base emotion that a person needs to subjugate, and ask Allah to remove from his or her heart. We cannot enter Paradise/Jannah with an impure heart.

    Jealousy is not cute. A husband could think jealousy is cute, but he’s not the one hurting inside as a result of the feeling. He’s not the one ruining his own soul. The jealous person is.

    Some people say Aishah (one of the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)) was jealous. Who knows whether she was or not. Furthermore, it doesn’t matter if she was. She is not our example. The prophets are our example. Aishah was a human being; I’m sure she felt some jealousy that she had to subjugate, as well. It’s not good to tell others to emulate what is bad.

    Some people hold onto the alleged story of Aishah’s jealousy, as an excuse for feeling jealous and to continue feeling it.

    Those are my thoughts on the matter of jealousy.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2014

    Mari2,

    I totally get it. I don’t think any woman should not know that her husband is married to someone else. It appears it is what you suspect. The girl’s mother and brother may be keeping it a secret from the girl, knowing the girl may not have any other suitor ever other than him (your husband). I could see if the cousin had psychiatric or psychological problems, but then, knowing such, would he still marry her? Her physical deformity is not a valid reason not to let her know her soon to be husband is already married. If the girl finds out and is foolish and selfish enough not to want the marriage because he’s already married then she simply cuts off her nose to spite her face. Let her do it.

    I don’t see any problem with you having let the cousin’s mother and her brother know that her intended is married to you. It’s kind of weird that they haven’t let her know. I guess they just want to get her married. I could see my self telling her – hey, look, you may want to know this; I’m married to your soon to be husband. I’d like us to get along, Insha Allah. What do you say about it? Mari2, you need to know, if you do so (tell her), you take a risk of your husband kissing your @$$ GOODBYE…

    What’s going to happen when the cousin marries and comes to the States? This pretending crap is just it bullcrap. It’s not what polygamy is supposed to be about.

  • Mari2

    December 10, 2014

    Ana and Bro. Musa,

    Well said. I was in polygamy, then monogamy, soon to be in polygamy again. It was/is difficult itself at times just knowing about others, but I can only imagine the pain of being blindsided by thinking your marriage is a monogamous one and then “Surprise!” finding out you are actually in a polygamous marriage without even been given a decision or heads up in the matter.

    I am a partially secret wife. M’s mother knows about our marriage as do a few other people. Because of my big mouth, now cousin wife’s mom and brother do as well. Yet they all remain mum. I have respectfully asked M for a year to be honest and upfront about my existence, but he hasn’t. And this vexes me. I don’t feel right about cousin girl entering into a marriage without knowing she is entering into a polygamous situation. I would not wish that for myself. Why would I want that for her? Should she not be allowed to make an informed decision? The duplicity bothers me greatly.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2014

    Musa Muhammed, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, 🙂

    Thank you much for taking the time to write a nice post, letting us know your thoughts on the topic of secret wives. I appreciate it much. As Marie stated, it’s always good to get a male’s perspective on what we speak of here.

    I agree with you that a women’s acceptance of polygamy can make a difference in polygamous marriages. If a woman is receptive to polygamy, knowing Allah allows it for men and she doesn’t want to interfere, it make for a successful marriage.

    I agree with Marie that a woman’s faith is her personal journey that she takes. There is only so much help that another human being can give her with regard to it.

    I think the way a Muslim husband could be helpful to his wife/wives is by letting his wife/wives see him worshiping Allah the way Allah tells us to worship him. He should lead her in prayer; eat halal food; she sees him reading Quran; see him being charitable, kind and just. He should remind her of Allah by his presence, as she sees him serving Allah.

    Perhaps they could read Quran together and discuss it – maybe not. Not everyone is on the same level when it comes to faith, and not everyone wants to listen. If reading and studying together leads to a debate, it’s best to read and study it alone. Other than it, I don’t know how much he really helps her with her faith. He has to know his Islam to be able to help her. Many brothers-in-faith and sisters-in-faith don’t know their Islam. It seems many haven’t ever read the Quran.

    Since the blog has been in existence, I have basically read here of Muslim men who marry non-Muslim women; although, Allah lets us know the “Muslim” will follow the non-Muslim’s way of life. We have had examples of it on this blog. So, so much for faith. It’s a given. It’s what will happen.

    Then we read of the men who apparently care nothing about Islam, but about lusts. The Muslim men sneaks off and have affairs with women, and call it marriage. We see a lot of it. Thus, there are “secret wives”.

    Then we see the men stringing women along. They say they are intended to the women, but do they have intent to marry? When I first became Muslim a male whom I was intended to for a moment said to me that there are Muslims who are intended with no intent to marry. Men and women are intended for years with the man having an excuse to put off the marriage.

    With all of it said, I don’t know how many Muslims are helping any woman with her faith. If Muslim men are marrying non-Muslim women despite all the unmarried Muslim women on the planet, how is it helping anyone with his or her faith? The non-Muslim cares nothing about Islam. She cares only about the man.

    About jealousy, no where in the Holy Quran does Allah say jealousy is good in any shape, form or fashion. Allah lets us know by the accounts of the prophets mentioned in the Quran that jealousy is bad, ugly, and evil. Allah lets us know it with the account of Cain and Able (brothers). When Allah did not accept the sacrifice of one brother, the one killed the other. He murdered his brother due to jealousy. Allah lets us know by the account of Prophet Joseph (PBUH) and his brothers who threw Joseph into the well. Allah lets us know in an account involving the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) himself. Some of the wives tried to make him turn away from one of the other wives. It was due to jealousy. Allah said if they continued to give the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) problems, He would replace them with wives who had been married before and virgins. Jealousy is ugly and evil. Jealousy hurts people. There is no good whatsoever in “jealousy”.

    People can say men marrying women help them with their faith and these men are good Muslim brothers, but I beg to differ. Many are selfish and lustful. Are there some good Muslim brother-in-faith out there who marry to live Islam with their wives, seeking to enter Jannah/Paradise? I’m sure there are – somewhere. Musa Muhammed, maybe you are one of those brothers. Allah knows best.

    Is polygamy a blessing for men? Maybe it’s a blessing or maybe it’s a curse, only Allah knows.

  • Marie

    December 10, 2014

    Wa alaykum asalaam musa Mohammed.

    I glad you come an post here, I very much enjoy reading your comments and getting options from men alhamdulilah. I sometimes read them to my husband and he agrees with some of what you say. One time he joked that it was him posting lol.

  • Marie

    December 10, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum

    My take on secret wives is the same as what Ana has posted above. I also think that a lot of convert / revert men, bring with them (into the deen) residue of how they used to deal with having more than one woman/wife. In their pre islam days the only way they could have ire than one woman/wife is by lying to one or all of them (the woman) and even though islam has allowed men to have more than one, they (the men) don’t honestly believe that ANY woman would accept it. He would have to deal with the ‘crazy’ that he had done before he was Muslim. Only difference is before he felt what he was doing was wrong, but now he is “married” to all of the women he feels justified and sees no need to make the 2nd 3rd or 4th marriage public.

    In telling/informing the 1st 2nd or 3rd wife that he intends to marry again, I believe he himself is learning. I don’t fully believe that a husband, wife, mother, father ect… furthers or increases anyone’s deen. I think islam is largely a personal journey with personal obligations. Although spouses can be great reminders for each other, I don’t think one would have left the deen or not progressed had that person not entered their life.

    We hear often enough that men want or have married other women to help HER. Do they (the men) think that in fact in dealing up close with multiple woman that they are being helped, helped by Allah. I think men get to learn and practice a lot of good characteristics when practicing polygamy, patience, controlling ones anger, fairness. I’m sure there’s many more.

    What I’m saying is being honest with your wife/wives about the intention to marry will Insha’allah benefit the man as well as the women, it polygamy and what it takes to live it is not just for the women in terms of iman. He does an injustice to himself and his wife/wives when he intends to be deceitful.

  • Musa Mohammed

    December 10, 2014

    Asa Sister AnA this is a very serious topic that’s really occurring in our Ummah. Which needed to be addressed, honestly I think the brothers are in fear and angry that the fact they can’t live the way of the beloved Phrophet’ s Sunna is set up to be. The Criterion is already set up said Allah, BUT there are some in our ranks who strongly disagree with Polygamy openly and secretly. And that’s ok to feel that way, but not really if you think about. I was on the plane coming from marrying my 2 wife (and I don’t like to say the numbers it causes fitnah in my eyes) when I mistakenly over heard a conversation of a African American woman and muslim brother he told her that he just got married and the woman said does your wife know he said No I don’t have to tell her, I immediately thought wow this is not good and not right for all of them but why do the husband feel he had to sneak to do it with out his wife being supportive of him? Something the sisters should ponder, look at it he did it anyway without her approval. But I looked at the good and not so good side of it, as Muslims we should love one another so mucccccchhhh because we are loved especially by Allah and His Prophet saw and if we don’t see each other like that then we are not on Deen. Not true Deen. I strongly disagree with this method , number one a Real Man ain’t got to sneak around and number 2 Allah has made it Halal for him to move forward with his right to marry a sister or sisters In need of a Good Muslim brother help. Do you agree ? I love and appreciate the jealousy of the first wife and respect it because Prophet Muhammad said he who is not jealous of our women is not of me. ( paraphrasing) So I understand how this goes it’s a good thing but don’t go to far with it. Because it can put a good muslim sister in a bad situation who needs a good “Muslim” husband to keep her on her Deen. This is way I say it’s not right for the wife or wives to prevent the husband to feel he has to sneak around or gain their approval . The men need to be clear and straight forward ” like Hey my love I know how I’m your world and one and only and always will be , but I wanted you to make it easier on me and us to work togheter as me being a muslim man, something’s I don’t understand and some you dont understand about why Allah has chosen it for the Men and Women in Islam to practice polygamy, BUT I want you to help me help our and your sisters in need,, by bringing some of them in as real family” this is a small start for the brothers to get on a one on one base to see how she will respond to polygamy , letting her know suga I need your help, which you really do and want her help in assisting with the member of the family , inshallah. This is the best way instead of the sneaky way because it don’t feel good on brothers , it makes them do feel ashamed as if “shucks” I’m not man enough to even feel like going to my wife and explaining let alone sneaking because when she find out she going to be even more angry at me and really talking divorcing me. This is called Bullying your husband and that’s not a good thing ,believe me your husband hates it so bad that he wants to find a replacement, if his first wife harassess. So to let you know why brothers are marrying in secrecy , ? I believe they are ashamed scared and threaten by their muslim wife or wives. This is his PROBLEM I know some is going to say to be only scared of Allah. I agree , but if you got a wife that’s of that way of “Thinking” then the brother will feel as if he has to sneak and marry other women in Islam or even Kafir women and may make baby’s with her.? Who knows? But at the end of the day the sisters can make a huge difference and impact on the way the whole world see polygamy in Al-Islam she can make it look beatiful. And help save our women and children, every muslim woman need and suppose to have a good husband young and old ., as I explained to a muslim sister what happens to the muslim women if the men are not there to maintain and protect you? due to battle or whatever? You will be overtaken or be forced to follow suit to the new men who defeated and killed those muslim men. And this is life and you better pay attention because this is what’s happening now and on the agenda to take place if it can be done. So lady’s, Muslimah’s, Queens, daughters of the Believing women, please , take the time and ask yourself is Allah pleased with this selfish behavior of mine? Does Allah have a plan for my husband to help another sister become better? We don’t know. But Allah also say’s men “do not aggrevate your wives “also. Polygamy is not for everyone it’s very special and require for all involved to remember that everyone must be on the same goal and focus or it’s not going to work. Brothers be kind to your wives, even if they make you want to replace them , remember we are soilders for Allah and strict followers of The Best Man of the entire universe and we Honor that highly, these are only schemes of Shaytan who hates to see the Muslims United In Peace and Harmony. It irks shaytan to see Muslims marrying and falling in love with one another. That’s a good thing that’s half your Deen, it’s great to have multiple wives it’s like having the best of friends you can have. I wouldn’t know what I would do with out my friends. Shokron Allah for giving me subtle wives who really love me and understand how difficult it is to live like this without their support and cooperation in my life. May Allah grant us tafiq and hikmah in this life Ameen. Bro. Musa

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