My Co-Wife Disturbs My Peace Intentionally

my co-wife disturbs my peace intentionallyMy co-wife disturbs my peace intentionally. Now what should I do about it? Probably, it’s what every woman in a polygamous marriage has said at one time or another. It doesn’t matter if she married her husband in the order of 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th; she still has the problem.Wouldn’t it be nice if the other woman who married her husband didn’t cause her trouble?

The complaint goes somewhat like this: My co-wife disturbs my peace in that she sends me nasty texts and calls me. She calls my husband in the evenings, as well. It’s when he and I are having or trying to have quality time with each other. Sometimes he takes the calls, and other times he doesn’t. Nonetheless, it disrupts the serenity that we are having or are trying to have. I think she’s just trying to rattle my cage.

My co-wife disturbs my peace intentionally is one of many complaints that women in polygamous marriages have

When she lets what her co-wife does bother her, she has forgotten Allah. She has forgotten what He says. She fails to remember that Allah says that He tests us with one another. Perhaps He uses one wife as a test for the other one.

I suppose that when her co-wife is messing with her, she doesn’t see it as a test from Allah. Rather, she sees it as her desire is not being fulfilled. Specifically, she wants her co-wife to stop it. She wants her co-wife to leave her alone. Sometimes the other wife just won’t listen, and things get worse.

When we remember Allah, He lets us see alright. We can see things clearly and know what to do. A way to pass the test is to remember that Allah wrote the script. He had written that the woman calls and says whatever she says etc. Allah had her do it.

The next time a wife thinks, “My co-wife disturbs my peace intentionally”, she should remember to ignore ignorance

It’s what Allah tells us to do. It could be that the co-wife is unaware that she is hurting her own soul by causing mischief. Allah, however, sees all things. With that said, the one wife shouldn’t let the co-wife get under her skin. First of all, she should ask the co-wife not to bother her anymore. We mustn’t despair when a co-wife acts like an ass.

It could still be a test for the wife who gets pestered. Patience and perseverance are important for her to have. It’s what Allah wants us to have. To persevere is what He wants us to do. Additionally, we are to turn to Him for help and guidance.

It wasn’t for the good of her soul, if she did something evil. She will account to Allah for what she has done and will suffer the reward for it. It’s not the reward that she was expecting. The reward is evil. On the other hand, maybe she has reached out to her co-wife to do good, for which Allah may reward her with good.

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My co-wife disturbes my peace intentionally

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My co-wife disturbed my peace intentionally


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13 Comments

  • Karima

    December 29, 2016

    Ana Alhamdulellah a good laugh is always needed lol

    cant thank you enough my sister 

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2016

    Karima,

    All I read was your first few words and I was dying laughing. I didn’t finish reading because I’m just getting ready to relax and watch something on Netflix.

    I didn’t think that type of agreement was for you LOL. I just thought I’d give you a hypothetical example LOL

    Thanks for the laugh ha,ha,ha ?

  • Karima

    December 29, 2016

    .great post Tasliyman jazak Allah kheir

  • Tasliyman

    December 28, 2016

    Ana, I fully agree with your post about seeking refuge in Allah from Shaytaan. 

    I’ve noticed that we (people in general) tend to blame others for the way we behave. When in actual fact we are responsible for our actions. Other peole are responsible for their own actions and we choose how to respond to that. We should stop blaming others for the choices we make.

    My husband got upset because of something he thought I was thinking (crazy, I know) and then he tried to rationalise his bad behaviour. When I told him not to blame it on me as he is responsible for his actions and decisions the same as I am for my own, I could actually see his expression change as he realised it’s true. He actually took responsibility and is making an effort to stop reacting to what he assumes I’m thinking.

    My point is that we should ask Allah to help us to make better choices and to behave better and not just blame bad behaviour on whoever we feel is doing us wrong.  I believe that seeking refuge in Allah from Shaytaan when faced with difficult situations will help us to react better. 

  • Mari2

    December 28, 2016

    @Jasmina,

    LOL.  I just try to work with what is the most logical application to our (M, me and 2) situation as it is, schedule -wise. However, I am able to be flexible when need be.  I do not know though how  her ability to be flexible is,  or how structured she may or may not be regarding a schedule, what her expectations may be, etc.  So, you know what they say about the best laid plans…  I am just trying to create a starting point, a base line schedule.  I am sure issues may arise that need to be dealt with.

    M and I chose the 5:2 visitation schedule not only because we’ve found it suits our work schedules, but also because he forsees that 2 will have issues with adjusting between her past living situation in Pakistan, and her soon to be current living situation here in the US.  M feels like she will be pretty needy for a while (and I agree).  And since she is quite young, and a bit immature, arriving here in the US, leaving her mother and friends, and having to deal with another wife to boot, its best that he spend as much time with her as possible when he’s not working.  2 will however be residing with Ms sister, her 3 kids, and MIL will arrive to their home days after 2 gets here.  So she will have her husband’s family with her here.

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2016

    A wife needs to get into her own head. She needs to think rationally and not emotionally.

    Satan can only get into our heads. We have to fight his whispers. We have to take control of the thought waves of our minds. We do that by seeking refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed.

    Allah says that when a thought from Satan assails our minds, seek refuge in Him and lo we see alright.  :-)

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2016

    Mari2,

    Alhumdulliah. I’m just happy to be able to help.

    Mari2, you’re a super strong woman. Keep up the good work. One of my favorite motto is: “Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” You are one tough cookie :-) You don’t break easily.

  • Mari2

    December 28, 2016

    @Ana

    Thank you for your encouragement.

  • Jasmina

    December 27, 2016

    Mari2 so wish u were my co wife lol. 

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2016

    Dear Mari2, ?

    It’s good that you sat down with him and discussed what you think would be fair concerning a schedule for when she arrives. So, now you just have to wait and see how it goes. Keep turning to Allah for His help and guidance.Don’t despair.

  • Mari2

    December 26, 2016

    @Ana,

    This is a timely post since I found out quite recently that 2 will arrive next month.  While I do not forsee at this time that she will attempt to bother me directly, this post certainly gives good guidance as to focusing on Allah and not the petty.

    Since finding out, I was surprised to find that I took the news as calmly as I did.  I thought Id be more upset, but it is actually quite calming…the other shoe finally dropped.  I can stop waiting for it.

    M and I had a very rational conversation regarding a schedule.  I told him that I am not about even days or even amount of hours, but was looking for 1) something reasonably set so I can schedule work and my outside activities around it.  I am by nature a structured person, so I need a structured schedule.  No pop ins, no having me wonder if/when I will see him.  I suggested that we stay to our current schedule where I see him on Saturday and Sunday.  She can have the other 5 days.  2) I agreed to let her have Eids with him.  Why?  Because he and I have never spent any Eid together, since he always spends it with his family here, and they are clear to me that I am not invited along.  So, over the past 3 years I have done my own Eid celebration, buy my own Eid clothes and generally have a nice time. He will be on his own for his family’s korbani this year though, I discovered a wonderful Islamic food bank here that I will be donating my zakat and korbani to this year.  Honestly, it really is too much meat for me, and Id rather give it the deserving rather than have his family actually like me during one month a year for only one reason.

    3) It is my intent that during his time with 2, I will neither text nor phone him unless an emergency.  And I requested the same respect from her.  If he is going to his night shift job away from and cares to offer a salam or a quick text enquiring about my day, that is fine, most likely I will be asleep.  But I told him not to expect me to initiate conversations with him on his days with her.  For me this is fine since really the status quo of our relationship is he works all night, I work all day.  Monday thru Friday we are ships passing in the night.  Im good with this.

    Now all of the above are my intentions to make things go smoothly (Yes ana…for me, with the only gain to be had by me.  Selfish isnt it).  But Allah is the best of planners, and sometimes Allah reveals by a slip of ones tongue, and by the by,  suggests a few monkey wrenches be tossed into ones attempt to be organized/selfish.

    I will post my challenges next.

     

     

     

  • Karima

    December 25, 2016

    salam Ana great post

  • Jasmina

    December 24, 2016

    Love this Ana ❤️ 

    thank you I needed this reminder.