November 2014 Discussions

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November 2014 Discussions
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November 2014 discussions

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250 Comments

  • anabellah

    December 1, 2014

    November 2014 discussions The November 2014 disucussions forum is closed. Please join us over on the December 2014 discussion forum.

    Aisha(h),

    As Salaamu Alaikum. Welcome home. I moved your comment over to the “December Discussion” thread. Please see my post to you there. The link is: https://polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-december-14-discussions/

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone, 🙂

    I want to remind everyone that we will begin a new discussion thread for the month of December on December 1, 2014. You all could always refer to the older monthly threads to refresh your memories of details, or simply ask people to refresh your memories of details.

    For those interested, I just posted an interesting article about a 14-year-old who killed her polygamous (lustful?) husband: https://polygamy411.com/14-year-old-kills-polygamous-husband/

  • Gail

    November 29, 2014

    Rasha,
    Welcome back to the blog.I liked reading your story I find u inspiring that u r dealing with polygamy as difficult as is u have chosen to remain in the marriage rather than divorce.How R u dealing with all this now.

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2014

    Rasha,

    You’ve got to tell yourself that what happened in the past is the past. Leave it there. You and your husband are still married, which is good. He’s probably a good man. You’d know better than I. He seems to have a decent other wife in his life now. It’s okay that you and she aren’t very close for the time being. Just thank Allah much for putting a decent woman in his life. It is truly a blessing!!!

    Don’t allow yourself to get depressed. Know that what happened in the past with his previous marriage, is the past. Satan wants you to hold onto the past. He wants to agonize you with it. It’s Satan whose flooding your mind with the unpleasant memories. He wants you to be unhappy in your life and unhappy with your husband.

    Every time you let the past play out in your mind, you’re giving into Satan. You’re allowing him to work you over. Allah says remember Him (Allah). He says remembrance of Him is the Greatest Thing in Life without a doubt. Imagine it – the GREATEST THING IN LIFE! Believe it.

    Replace those negative thought with thoughts about Allah and how Gracious, Compassionate, Merciful, Magnificent and Kind He is etc. Learn the 99 attribute of Allah or just some of them, as many as you can, so you could bring some of them to mind all the time. Think about all the blessings Allah has bestowed on you. He gave you a husband who loves you and you love him. Only think of all the good things, and be grateful to Allah. Allah says when we are grateful, He gives us more. Don’t you want more? I know I do. There is no time to be depressed. No more depression starting right now. You have so much to feel good about 🙂

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2014

    Rasha, Wa Alaikum As Salaamu,

    I remember you now. When you wrote earlier, I’m like, I know the name, but can’t remember the story. When you mentioned you reconciled during the Iddat period, I remembered you.

    The same as I just got done telling Denise on another thread, it helps to write out our feelings. Allah knows I’ve repeated stories over and over and over again of things that have happened in my life. I began to sound like a broken record, but somehow it helped me. It probably drove others crazy, though LOL or so I thought.

    You’re very normal in all you described. You felt betrayed as he said he wouldn’t want to be polygamous. Yet, you can’t fault him, as he had no way of knowing he would be. Only Allah knows the future, which is why I don’t believe in a man saying in a marriage contract that he won’t become polygamous in the future. It tells a lot about a person’s faith or lack of faith in Allah when she or he adds it a clause in the marriage contract forbidding polygamy.

    The lies are common with the men. I think many, many times men lie, as they sincerely do not want to hurt their first wives whom they love very much. They lie because they don’t want to deal with the craziness form their wives that follows the truth when they tell it. They lie, as they think it makes things easier but, in actuality, it makes things worse. It’s more difficult to forget when someone lies. One suspects they’ll always lie.

  • Rasha

    November 29, 2014

    As salaamu alaykium All

    It’s been a while since I’ve really written in these discussions. A lot has happened. Some time back I was pending a divorce because I was fed up and confused and disconnected and unhappy and a plethora of many other emotions… While alhamdulillah our iddah was broken and we remained together.

    I never anticipated that I’d be in polygamy. Like many I was made to believe that I alone could and would be ENOUGH for my husband. In fact I was under the impression that a man had to have a reason to many more than one and none of the criteria fit our circumstance. On top of my husband told me when we signed our contract that he was not interested in marrying others and only if my health stipulated it. So technically according to the contract he created I could have exited easily.

    Unfortunately there should have been a clause that read ” I’m young and stupid and as I evolve I’ll probably feel compelled to take other wives”. Oh how we in our young days utter stupid things. Well anyways for me I thought it would possibly happen later in our marriage and when I was much older. I never expected it would happen while I was in my twenties and before the ten year mark.

    I felt lied to and betrayed. in fact he did lie to me. I never knew he did it before he did it. But I suspected it. His whole attitude and disposition had changed. To my surprise I would get my answers as I heard them having a conversation on the phone. Anyway it was a slap in the face.

    Now that’s over and he has married another. And this one I’m ok with but we don’t really communicate. I honestly don’t know what she’s thinking about me or the whole situation.

    For me I was ready to leave because I thought him remarrying was too soon for our lives. We were dealing with a lot. I felt like it was a selfish move.

    Now I’m ok but I have flash backs about the first situation. It was very traumatizing and left many marks on my heart. I battle moments of depression.

    I don’t even know why I’m telling my story now. It bothers me that it’s still so fresh in my heart and mind

  • anabellah

    November 28, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    Nothing much is going on with me that’s worth speaking of. All is good. No new developments.

    You must be way excited about getting a new car. Alhumdulliah! I’m very happy for you. I’m still excited about the progress you and your co have made. It’s HUGE. Just take it easy and go slow with it. I had a feeling she’d eventually come around. You’re a likable person. You had said she studies and seems to have a good interest in Islam. She probably notices you’ve learned some Islam too. You and she have got a good foundation -Islam – going on. It’s a beautiful thing. There are bound to be hiccups, but don’t let it discourage you. We all have our moments and days, some moments and days better than others. I pray Allah is well pleased with you and her. It makes me smile to think you and she have had a break through 🙂

  • Laila

    November 28, 2014

    Hey Ana. I just don’t feel good about the judging others part. Well I agree too with your point but I just know that time is always the teacher. People will change because Allah has touched their hearts. Well this is just my point of view. I am also getting a new car soon. Its coming out next month. Ive finally decided to sell off my old Honda. So thats whats happening on my side. How are you Ana? I miss Aishah2014. I wonder whats happening to her.

  • anabellah

    November 28, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    This will be a short response. I’m on my phone, which drives me crazy. Investigating and judging goes way deeper than whether one saw a Muslim smoking a cigarette or drinking wine. Anyhow, when did smoking cigarettes become a sin? Those are superficial things. Allah says He forgive sin of the Believer who avoid the most heinous sins. Fornication is a heinous sin. If you sit with people who boast of such acts, well???

    Allah removes the evil in Believers who avoid the most heinous sins. About investigating and judging, I’m talking about belief in all that Allah says in the Quran, which one ascertain from the other person’s dialogue and actions.

    I think it’s wonderful after all these years you and your co are having decent dialogue. Alhumdulliah!!!

  • Laila

    November 28, 2014

    So anyway guys, my co has been calling me nowdays and other than the blasting to bits part she also talks to me. Which is weird. The sarcasm is still there but the fact that we are talking is ….. a…… MIRACLE. We talk about my job and she talks about Islam and how she had to juggle many things and how it affected her. I do not trust her as yet but at least we are now talking behind hubbs back.

  • Laila

    November 28, 2014

    Dear Ana, I understand that we should not cover up for a person’s attitude. However I’ve seen first hand how some of my even Muslim friends who slept around, drank alcohol like a fish, smoked and did everything under the sun. This is also the same woman who now attends to activities in the masjid, prays on time, has a good career and is simply doing way better in her life. For me yes I do understand that there is a possibility of her sleeping around after getting married but that can even happen to people who are devout Muslims. Its just a matter of their deen and attitude. I found it not acceptable when Helens husband said such lines. Because he obviously lacks respect for her. Change will surely happen but we need to stop labelling people. I have rather colourful friends and also some religious ones. I just don’t get too personal. I pray that they change and I keep a positive outlook. Look Ana, as much as Helen and her husband go, this new wife to be does not really need them too much. Its supposed to be fair deal for everyone. Mutual love and respect. Instead of saying stuff I think he and Helen should forget about her past and guide her in a positive way towards Islam and not make mean remarks like that. We all want to be that special wife forever. That is a fact. But sometimes I wonder at what cost? Making sarcastic statements about our co or future co? It’s not worth it. Really Ana. Where does it take us? First we created a sin, secondly it shows we have a low self esteem about ourselves because we need to judge another to feel good. Ive done it too. Many times in fact. Nowdays I STOP. I just sort of accept and move along on my journey in life. All I am saying is, start with love and respect, after all many people resonate well to love. Im sure if everyone is sincere, the relationship will be a blessed one.

  • Aysh

    November 27, 2014

    Helen says the girl is forcing her husband to marry her. So she must have a hold over him? What though?

    Helen told us the girl loves him. It makes sense why she wants to marry him.

    What doesnt make sense is why Helen and her husband think he has to marry her to grow their business.

    Helen says its because she is honest. But there must be other honest workers around that her husband doesnt need to marry to help the business grow?

    Something doesnt add up. How can their business and future all depend on this girl that Helen says is stupid?

    Is it for visas/immigration? Is the business not legit? Maybe it is sex-related and she has secrets?

    If its culture etc please explain so people understand better.

    I know you say she will benefit also but if you told her honestly the marriage will only be for 2yrs she might not agree.

    Its really cruel to lie to her in this way. And what if her daughter grows attached to your husband only to be rejected after 2yrs.

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2014

    Gail,

    It looks to me that Helen has a long, hard road ahead of her. She and her husband believe they control their lives and destiny. They believe they make things happen. My beliefs are entirely different and I’m not about to go there with her. To Helen her way and to me my way. It’s all good.

    According to Helen, the girl already begun to lose interest in Islam when the husband stopped paying her attention for a while. The girl allegedly said she will no longer study or practice Islam once she’s married. So it’s not a whole lot about Islam between these three people. It’s all about lust, desire, greed, and selfishness. I can’t touch it. I’ll keep inputting, as best I can, Insha Allah; it’s all I can try to do.

    I believe strongly that when one finds a person is not the type of person whom she needs to be with (Muslim/believers should be with those who remind them of Allah) then she should keep her distance from the person. Helen has a good idea about what this girl is all about and she still wants her as a co-wife and business associate. It’s all in progress. There isn’t much more one can say. Allah said, even cattle heed warning. Man (mankind) is worse than cattle.

  • Gail

    November 27, 2014

    Ana,
    In Helen’s case she is 100% for certain her husband is going to have sexual relations with the second wife because she has picked out the type of birth control to be used so it implies to me that she understands that this is much more than a business arrangement and is just to ashamed to come right out and tell it like it is.Which is totally understandable that she herself be confused and an emotional wreck.It’s a shock and u might be able to help Helen even more than me in this case simply because u have felt the same exact way yourself towards C in alot of ways.
    I will say this the majority of men seem to have a strong desire for sex and r easily lead that side.Heck even my own husband told me that men would like to have sex with every woman or as many as they can.I was like WTF because woman r totally opposite for the most part and are looking for that one man to fall in love with.
    When my hubby told me this I was just blown away.I see men in a totally different light now.

  • Gail

    November 27, 2014

    Ana,
    Thanks Goodness u see what I am talking about.I think so many times wives feel so shamed when a husband approaches them and tells them he has had an affair or he wishes to take another wife.Obviously if u tell any single person the first thing out of their mouth is that dirty dog then then the next thing is is everything ok in the bedroom implying that somehow it is the wives fault that she is somehow not pleasing her man.This is just wrong on so many levels in my opinion and it causes the wife to feel so ashamed of her husband and herself and she now feels she has this horrible secret within her marriage.Her perfect family picture has just been destroyed.I know at least that is exactly how I felt when I was faced with the truth.Lord I still feel that way to a large extinct even I try to fight it but it is just ingrained I guess.

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2014

    Gail,

    You are absolutely correct that Helen has never mentioned that her husband intends not to have sex with his soon to be wife. If she is so unattractive and he’s sure he would not love her, why is he willing to marry her, and have sex with her? It just doesn’t add up. He has said men have sex with prostitutes, and don’t love them and “hookers” get a lot of love (which that part is senseless to me, as women who are in the Prostitute business aren’t looking for love). As you stated, her husband seems turned on by the girl and if he hasn’t dipped and dabbed in it, he probably is eagerly anticipating it.

    Helen’s husband speaks so nonchalantly about prostitutes, as though they’re okay. It unusual for someone to know a woman comes from a – what type of culture did Helen say? Perhaps the girl’s way of life is “prostitution” and he thinks she will stop ho ing and only do him. It’s weird…

    @Helen,

    Who found the girl and where?

  • Gail

    November 27, 2014

    Ana,
    I totally agree with u that Helen thinks she has this situation under control which is normal to some extent then we wake up one day and realize what the crap was I thinking.lol
    Since Helen is a Doctor my sincere thinking is that she has told her husband to use a condom every time he has sex with that women is my guess.The problem with that is that unless Helen plans on being the raincoat police and being in the room with them to make sure precious has his condom/raincoat on then it is useless to tell a man to do anything.Men will promise woman/wives the moon but they rarely deliver unless the wife is standing over them with hands on hips forcing them to do it in my opinion.
    I honestly don’t think the girl is that shady of a character.She seems pretty darn nice and Helen should be counting her blessings she got such a decent cowife if u ask me.
    We don’t even know if the girl has truly slept around and if she has then I am left to wonder has Helen’s husband already sampled the goods.
    I am sure if Helen knows this information then the woman has confided in Helen’s husband she has been having sexual activities.Again if she is not very religious then she is free to knock herself out and get her groove on when ever and where ever she wants.It is also very possible Helen’s husband is turned on sexually to the woman since she is a free bird.After all he did make the comment about prostitutes getting love or something or other.
    I mean really he is obviously sexually turned on by this woman and her free spirit regarding sex or he would never in a million years marry her.
    Also not one time has Helen said that her husband is not going to boink her.

    Helen,
    I hope u think about what we r saying.We only say it because we care about u and what happens to u mentally.I don’t want u to have a mental breakdown over this nonsense.
    If u know for 100% this girl is dipping for hotdogs then u better not worry so much about her and concentrate on how u r going to protect yourself sexually.I would seriously advice u to make him wear a condom.If u force your husband to wear a condom will he get pissed off and fight with u?
    U may hate me for asking u this and u don’t have to answer it on the blog but is it possible your husband might have a sexual addiction that u are aware of or maybe not aware of because the facts kinda seem to be speaking for themselves.
    Also do u not yourself find it strange that he claims he has no feelings for this woman and esp he acts like he has no sexual feelings for her but yet he has never denied he is going to have sex with her.Forgive me Helen but seriously forgive me for saying this and please don’t take wrong but I get this strange feeling your husband may have sexual problem and u r allowing him to take a legal whore in hopes he will not go on the prowl.
    Is the the real reason u r allowing this marriage but just to ashamed to say it?
    The business and helping the girl is just to far fetched for me to make any logical sense out of that situation esp since u have said u r a doctor.
    Helen if this is the real reason or part of the reason do not feel bad about it.One more thing and I learned this the VERY HARD WAY What my husband does is NOT a reflection on me.I will say it again to u 100 times over Helen”What your husband does/his actions is not a reflection on you.
    If this is the case in your situation please do not feel bad.It is not your fault it is a choice he has made.Like Ana has said so many times we don’t own our husbands so if we don’t own our husbands then their actions is not a reflection on us understand?
    Maybe I am barking up the wrong tree here with your husband maybe having some sort of sexual problem or being sexually into this woman but I had to ask.If I am wrong please forgive me.It was something weighing on my mind so I felt compelled to say it.Hugs

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2014

    Laila,

    I agree with you that if Helen and her husband intend to bring the girl into their family, they should treat her with respect and acknowledge her as a wife with the same rights and privileges as Helen. If they went to a court to get approval for the marriage, it’s means to me that Helen and the girl will be legal wives, so they are on a even playing field. Helen could think in her mind that she’s got it going on better than the girl, but they are both legal wives.

    Now, on the other hand, if Helen disapproved of the girls character, and wanted nothing to do with her, I could see it. It would be within Helen right, not to be bothered with the girl. But, I can’t see, Helen saying the girl is a %&)#)*( and still bring the girl into their fold and treat her as a lowly servant. Helen is either down with it or not. If the girl is good enough to marry Helen’s husband and help out with the business, she is an equal with Helen. Those who help another in wrong doing are just as accountable as the person doing the wrong doing. Helen can’t have it both ways. The girl is good or bad.

    Laila,

    I don’t blame you for not wanting to go into business with your husband. You’d only stand to elevate his other wife’s standard of living, which is already high, when you, his other wife and he are not family. You, he and his other wife are not on the same page with being an Islamic family.

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2014

    Laila,

    Hello there. Long time no hear from. 🙂

    I canNOT say I am following you when you say a person should not take a position about lose, promiscuous women. When I was a non-Muslim, I thought as you do – let people be and do their thing. I thought women were liberated and had the same freedom and choices as men.

    Now that I’m Muslim, I judge, which Allah tells me to do. Allah in several Ayat (verses) in the Holy Quran tells us to Judge. He tells us to Judge using the Quran as our criterion. We are to investigate people, and make a judgement call.

    Allah tells us who to have sex with and it’s a person whom we are married to. Fornication is a heinous sin, up there with murder. It’s is a SERIOUS offense. It’s nothing we should take lightly.

    Yes, non-Muslims are out there having sex with every Tom, Dick and Harry who are not their husband (one husband for one woman) – the men are having sex with Tom, Dick and Harry too. It’s not something we should take lightly. It is a BIG DEAL. Yes, we should leave them alone, but it does not mean that we condone what they do and think nothing of it. It doesn’t mean that we befriend or associate with those type of people. We are not supposed to befriend them. We are not to take them into our intimacy. We are to leave them alone and let Allah deal with them. To see no wrong in what they do and we are Muslims is not correct thinking. If we think as they do (find their ways that are contrary to what Allah says, as okay), we are of them.

    I understand Helen calling her husband’s intended what she is and seeing her for what she appears to be. Allah tells us to investigate. We are to make a Judgement call, based on our investigation, and based on what Allah tells us in the Holy Quran. That judgement calls tells us whether we are to deal with a certain person or not. Allah tells us what people will do. We are to Judge. When we judge according to what Allah has given us to judge with, we fall under His protection.

    What I fault Helen for is thinking it is okay to take advantage of another person. She should tell her husband that he shouldn’t marry someone of that girl’s character. He shouldn’t marry a low life person. He should tell her husband that the girl is not a suitable woman to bring into their family. She is of shady character.

    Helen should stop trying to satisfy her own greed and selfishness and look at the bigger picture. If the woman sleeps around, just because she weds Helen’s husband doesn’t mean she will stop sleeping around once married to Helen’s husband. Helen will have subjected herself to contracting a STD. In polygamous marriages, it’s important who the parties to the marriages are. It’s a serious situation if just one person steps outside the marriage and sleeps around. The person is putting the other parties to the marriage lives in danger. The girl whom Helen’s husband intends to marry has no fear of Allah. Faith hasn’t entered that girl’s heart. Helen’s problem is far larger than she thinks.

    Are we Muslims or non-Muslims? We can’t accept what Allah doesn’t accept, if we are Muslim/Believers.

  • Laila

    November 27, 2014

    Helen, on another note. In one of your posts, you said your husband jokingly said,’hookers get lots of love from men’. Was it merely a joke or was he insinuating something more? I feel it is so unfair to label people for their extra activities in the sack. I have non-Muslim girlfriends who also sleep around and over lunch they sometimes blurt about their adventures. They are religious not not super religious. They have good jobs and all. Can I say that they are easy women? …. I can’t. Because that is he choice they have made, the choice to get into bed with a date, a choice to have unprotected sex, a choice to just share their intimate part of their bodies with a another. A choice. So, I am not attacking you but your husband needs to learn to respect that girl a bit and stop running her down. You just never know what may happen ten years down the road. She may end up being more into Islam than you me put together. She may even pick your business up better. You think a mere car or allowances is compensation for her time and effort? Come on and get real. I will tell you this, I will never work my butt off for a business my hubbs shares with my co. He’s recently approached me about one and I laid my cards on the table. I insist on it being separate from her. Yes, I am wife #2. I cannot take the chance of getting myself being scammed ten years down the road.I would appreciate it if you told your husband that he better start respecting her as not just a woman he plans to use to run a business, but also as a wife. Equal to you, and requires the same attention, respect and love. If not, this may end up blowing up in everyones faces soon.

  • Laila

    November 27, 2014

    Dear Helen. You are mixed up, your mind is racing and you are just going through like a million thoughts. One moment you are sane and another it’s not. But, get yourself sorted. Be strong. Be firm. And ask yourself this, ‘what is your intent?’. Sometimes we may feel like what we are doing is right but deep down you know it is wrong. To simply say things about another woman and lay out statements is just wrong on so many levels. Is she decides to have s** with other men I think that is her right. That is her life, and she will be accountable to it to her God. People react differently due to their culture and upbringing. We may be educated but sometimes education is not the ultimate guarantee to a successful life. Its your attitude that does wonders. I’ve been reading your posts and sometimes you seem to paint her as though she is a brainless air headed woman. Just like Ina touched on maturity. Age is not a leverage you use to gain maturity and get all wise. Its just your understanding and common sense to know where to draw the line. I’ve got my co hitting the big 50 next year and she still has emotional meltdowns and when she does she picks up the phone and blasts me to bits. So really, who is the child here?

    Get yourself sorted. Using another woman and yet saying that indirectly she will gain a lot is just not acceptable. Nobody wants to be taken for granted. Nobody. Not you, not me and not your husband and certainly not her. Either you three enter the marriage on the right note and attitude or just don’t bother. Life is not very long. One day we will have to face our creator and answer. Are we ready for that day?

  • Gail

    November 27, 2014

    Helen,
    I don’t know what to say except we r here if u need us.I do know this I would never in a million years agree to let my husband marry a woman for 2 years and sleep with her.It is like u giving him permission to have a good time a free pass.It don’t sit well with me I am sorry and furthermore I have sincere feeling u r going to live to regret this entire mess.U being a doctor u r trying to control everything but believe me babe u just can’t.I wish it worked that way but the reality is that it simply doesn’t work that way at all.I understand what u r going through I myself worked woman’s health OBGYN field.We are trained to take charge and be in control even if everything around us is falling apart and never let anyone see u sweat I totally get it but unfortunately your future cowife is not one of your patients that u can smile at and act concern and write a script and send on her merry way.
    Believe me the first time she back talks u or demeans u I think u r going to loose it.I would hate to see that happen.
    Also u don’t have to make excuses for your husband we are all floating in the same boat.We know u love him and u stand beside him and u think he is a good guy blah blah blah we all basically think the same thing that u do about our husbands.We are not trying to bash him.I only wanted to point out the obvious that I doubt he is going to be putting a bag over her head when sex time comes understand.U know this is true because u know that he is going to have sex with her.He has never said he is not going to take advantage of his rights shall we say.It is way deeper than some marriage business contract anyway I hope u stay with the group as I feel very strongly u need to be here.

  • Helen

    November 27, 2014

    Cool everyone..

    Please dont get mad at me. Like I said before, this is an unconventional polygamy and maybe because of different culture and background, you dont understand that we are forced into this. Sorry to cause this stir.

    Yes, I kept describing her very inferiorly. Sorry, its just the unstable me talking. She is actually a nice person. Despite ‘forcing’ my husband to marry her,she also keeps in mind on my feeling- always asking how Im doing. A very honest worker, thats why she is chosen. Im a doctor and my husband is a businessman but we are still not yet in stable financial state.

    Ok everyone, please dont get mad. I have no where else to go.

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2014

    Helen,

    Denial seems a whole lot better than TO KNOW what you’re doing when what you’re doing is totally wrong. Nonetheless, enough said by me for now. We’re here, if you want to talk about it more, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2014

    Helen,

    I just don’t get where you’re coming from. You say you and your husband are Muslims, but where is the Islam? Look, if my husband married an unattractive woman who lacks moral character and self respect, I’d speak on it and I am sure I wouldn’t like. I’d have to pull myself together eventually and come to terms with it. I’d have to learn and accept that Allah determines our mates for us and He determined those two to be together the same as He determined I would be with my husband. Still, I may not like that my husband married someone of her character and married for a reason (lust), which Allah tells us not to marry for. I would try to come to terms with what has happened as best I can and know that Allah Decides all things and is the ultimate Judge. I know we all will account to Him for everything we do etc.

    I just don’t get how you CONDONE what your husband intends to do. You’re down with the get down knowing your husband intend to use the girl. You actually think the girl will bring benefit to the two of you, as though she has some super powers.

    How do you think you, he and she would be blessed by such a union for personal gain, disregarding all that Allah says and all that Islam is about? It’s what blows my mind.

    Do you really think you will find peace and contentment in your life for the life span of their marriage (two years that you predict)? How? What guarantee is there that the business would prosper simply because she has a more active role in it? Who knows how it will end. Your husband could fall in love with her and decide to kick you to the curb, toss you out like trash. How do you think you would like it?

    You are actively participating in the exploitation of another human being. You are all up in the mix. You will stand accountable too for participating in the wrong doing.

    Do you really think there is a way that you can escape feeling any pain, hurt and heartache as a result of all you’ve planned? If you think you can, you’re sadly mistaken. It’s impossible. Mark my words.

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone

    Some of those gravatars were way too horrifying. I don’t think they depicted some people properly, so I’m now playing it safe. I am going with a type that everyone should be okay with; although the others were more fun. It wasn’t quite right that some people had nice gravatars and others had horrific ones. I do believe you are able to generate personal gravatars yourselves, using your own email accounts.

    Aysh, welcome and thank you much for imputing 🙂 The more people who come forward and let their voices be heard, the better, Insha Allah. People have varying views and see things from different perspectives.

  • Aysh

    November 27, 2014

    Helen,

    You are a doctor. Your husband is a businessman.

    So why are the 2 of you reliant on a girl you say is ugly, uneducated, and sleeps around to save your business?

    It makes no sense and the truth usually makes sense.

    If the girl has nothing to offer, why is she so valuable your husband has to marry her to stop her leaving the business?

    Please remember in the eyes of God you and your husband are not better than her so please stop talking like you are.

  • ashes

    November 26, 2014

    Helen,

    as Ana said, he has to live, sleep and communicate with her. Would he really go through all this if he didn’t have feelings for her? Why not just pay some random woman to marry him on paper and pay her a little something for it knowing full well it’s just a money thing and nights won’t be split and sex isn’t desired. That’s what he could of done. That said, I’m happy to hear he’s fully involving you in the process. So many men lie and get married without the first wife knowing anything about it! It does sound like he loves you a lot and wants you to be a part of it. Only time will tell if he breaks from her a few years from now, but you have to see how it sounds to outsides reading. Sometimes I write things here then once someone points something out I say to myself i should have realized it myself. I’ve been a mainly silent reader on here for a while and have to say people here only try to be helpful and point out what they see or know from experience in order to help another person open their eyes. Hugs.

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2014

    Helen,

    If we all aren’t getting it, why don’t you explain it to us like we are two year olds. What exactly are you having problems with? Your husband will marry an unattractive leg gaping ho so she could help you and him with your business for two years and then he will discard her, so what’s your problem?

  • Helen

    November 26, 2014

    Im not in denial. Why all of you think of me this way. He doesnt lie to me to get what he wants. Like I said before, this girl isnt very attractive. If sex was on his mind, he wouldnt choose her.

  • Helen

    November 26, 2014

    Hello everyone,
    Sorry, there is a misunderstanding. My husband never thought of her as a prostitute. He is an angel. He was just joking regarding your responses about falling in love after intimate relationship.

    Maybe me being in control is a coping mechanism but my husband involved me in for certain reasons. Not just to make me feel better. I don’t have to explain further because so far I can see most of you think the girl-my husband are fooling me (which is actually not).

    Contraception was meant for her before the marriage. This girl comes from a native race which their culture is to sleep around (I know many cultures in developed or developing world practice this too). So he was afraid that she gets pregnant before their marriage and he would be stuck with this baby. This girl has slept with few men recently because of frustration (she really wanted my husband to marry her). Plus, Im a medical doctor therefore Im the best to give such advice.

    I won’t say further because the more I say, you will disagree with me. This isn’t the conventional polygamy. But it doesn’t mean we are not taking care of her. We want her to have a better life. At the same time, I want our lives to improve and we can return to our hometown for our children to have better future and education. (my secret hope: my husband will be mine solely again..OK don’t slam me on this one).

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2014

    Gail,

    What’s happening with Helen sounds to be what we’ve been talking about on the blog; men lie to get what they want. A man lies to make each wife feel better about being in a polygamous marriage with him. Helen would go ape sh!t, if her husband were to say he’s attracted to the girl, and can’t wait for her to become his wife so he could do her.

    A man does not have to marry a woman in order to help her. He and Helen are Muslim and should know the importance of charity without expecting anything in return, but they would receive a return from Allah, if done for the right(eous) reason. They could easily take care of all the girls financial needs while she helps with the business. It could be a business/financial arrangement. He and the girl want more than it. They want to be husband and wife. The girl is onto what the husband is doing. She want to marry this man. He’s trying to pacify Helen so it could happen.

    I agree with you that Helen is heading down the wrong road fast. Eventually she will realize it wasn’t all about business. Her husband is doing good by allowing Helen to be a part of the planning process, but is putting her to sleep, by allowing her to think she’s in charge. Once people get what they want, things change. The girl, once married, doesn’t have to play the subservient part.

    In order for a man to marry a woman (without mommy forcing him into a cousin marriage), he has to desire her. He has to live with her, sleep with her and communicate with her. They are getting married. It’s not a business arrangement in its entirety. Helen has to acknowledge it before she can begin to make any progress and have any type of peace of mind she needs to have.

    @Helen,

    As Gail stated, you’re not alone in having to try to make sense out of all of this. What you’re doing and how you’re coping is not unusual. It’s quite normal. All of this is new to you. It’s not a picnic. Hang in there. All will be alright.

  • Gail

    November 26, 2014

    Helen,
    I am Happy u are sticking with the group.I want to chime in and tell u that I also can see very clearly that u being in charge of the marriage is nothing more than a coping mechanism.Now your husband was very clear about something when he mentioned about his future wife and implying she is the same as a prostitute.Let me ask u if this is such an arranged marriage for financial gain then let me ask u will your dear hubby be F@#cking the prostitute? Will u still feel in control?My point is this u better sober up real fast before u end up mental which I can see very clearly u r heading down the wrong road fast. U r not accepting this marriage and your husband and second wife are letting u think this is only about the business when this is clearly not the plan.Lets face it he could promote her and give her raise to get her out of her financial Pickle and problem solved YES OR NO? But it is quite obvious he wants to stick the his Pickle in the Prostitute.At some point very soon u r going to have to face the facts your husband wants another wife not a prostitute.If he wanted a prostitute he would have went and got one.I hope u understand where I am coming from and stop letting him make fun on u.
    He is getting what he wants although he is playing u up acting like it is such a hardship come on HELEN.My guess is everytime he cracks a comment and u laugh or giggle at it he is thinking yeah that worked.
    Sorry if I sound hard I have walked in your shoes and believe me is sooo hard and miserable at first.Just stay with the group we will help u through this hard time.

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2014

    Let nothing bring you down!!!

    It’s all good!

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2014

    Helen, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good to hear from you. You had crossed my mind from time to time. I was hoping you’d stop back in to let us know you’re okay.

    So, your husband thinks of the girl the same as he thinks of a prostitute? 🙁 It’s sad. I doubt the way he thinks of the girl, and allows you to act the part of the “big dog” really makes you feel better about him marrying her. It’s only a coping mechanism for you for the time being.

    If I were you, I wouldn’t concern myself much with “teaching” her Islam. I’ve learned Islam isn’t something that can be taught that easily. A person can show another how to perform wudu (washing before prayer); show them how to offer salat (prayer); give them a Quran; tell them customary things like Istinja (cleansing after using the toilet) and the basics such as it. The rest is on the person.

    Allah says He increases in knowledge those who seek knowledge (of Allah – Islam). Even if one seeks knowledge there is no guarantee Allah will give the person knowledge. The person definitely won’t receive knowledge, if he doesn’t seek it though. A person has to read the Quran to learn about Allah and what He expects of us, and ask Allah to allow him or her to implement it in his or her life. It’s a very personal endeavor.

    Anyhow, if she asks you something tell her from an Islamic perspective. The best way for someone to learn Islam from another person is by being with the person and observing the person. Allah puts the believers with believers. I heard a saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.” I believe it.

    A person wanted me to teach her Islam. It’s didn’t go well. I learned the person was one who tries different things all the time. Apparently Islam was something she tried as well. She really wanted she and I too be friends. The lessons, which weren’t going smoothly, as I’m no teacher. We’d venture off topic. Anyhow, when I distanced myself knowing it wasn’t working, I shortly thereafter learned the person had left Islam. I recently spoke with the person and she seemed receptive to getting back into trying to learn Islam, if she and I could resume a friendship. It’s not what Islam is about.

    I think it’s why reverts do better with Islam than some born Muslims. Reverts know it’s what they want to do – live Islam. Some reverts have a passion for the way of life (Islam).

    You, the girl and your husband all have an agenda. You all have a plan. We plot and plan and Allah too plans and He is the Master Planner.

    We’re here, Insha Allah, if you’d like to talk. You’re not alone out there. Alhumdulliah!

  • ummof4

    November 26, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum ans hello to all,

    Helen, as Muslims we do not have the right to make certain decisions for other people. My advice is that you leave the method of contraception for your husband and his new wife completely up to them. There is a danger in a wife being too involved in her husband’s other marriage plans. If things don’t go well, the husband/and or the new wife may blame the first wife. If the first wife makes decisions for the second wife and her husband, then the second wife cannot receive the respect that she deserves as a wife. Husbands and wives should have secrets that are not shared with anyone else.
    When my husband became polygynous the first time I planned the bridal shower for his new wife. This, however, did not involve my husband at all- just me and some other sisters in our community. I have never known what the mahr was, what contraception they were planning to use(if any), how much money he was giving her, or anything about their sex life.
    I understand that the new wife may be gaining as well as your husband and yourself gaining, but I believe you should treat her like a woman, not a little girl, even though she may need guidance in some areas.
    Remember she will not be your new daughter or your slave or servant, but your husband’s wife.

    May Allah bring about the best in all of our lives.

  • Helen

    November 26, 2014

    Assalamualaikum everyone
    Recently my husband brought me home to celebrate my birthday. He is being very nice to me since he saw me upset about this whole marriage thing. I guess he tried to cheer me up.

    BTW, the progress of marriage application is going on well. Last week, we went to the state Islamic department (me, him, the girl and her sister). He wanted me to follow him everywhere though we were dealing on HIS marriage. He said he needed me to be strong about it. So it was my husband and I who dealt on this with the Islamic office. I find it quite funny. The future bride was there but did nothing. And most decision was made by both of us. E.g. I asked them to speed it up and my husband was telling the officer to speed up because my wife asked me to.

    I know some of you disagree with this. But both parties have ulterior motives. We need her to take care of the business and to leave the town, she is using us to escape poverty and threats by her family members. At this stage my husband has no love for her but at least what we can do is give her better future life. And I kept reminding my husband to teach her Islam. Its true, she told me after marriage she isn’t interested to learn more of Islam. But lets hope that will change.

    Im blessed that my husband includes me in this (weird I know). But I feel that I can trust him. In fact I decide on their method of contraception. LOL. I told him that some of you mentioned that love can bloom after intimate relationship. He joked back “Oh, hookers get lots of love by many men”.

    My husband planned to priotize me than the girl in many aspects. It sounds good. But I remind myself not to be selfish. So I told him to be fair because I love him so much, I don’t want him to get into trouble in the afterlife. I can feel that Im getting stronger by day.

    I’m telling you all the details because I have no one to speak to. Im all alone here. Need support and encouraging words. We are sticking to this plan. This is the only way for us.

  • Gail

    November 26, 2014

    Ana,
    Unfortunately I was advised to go to our local University where students are learning.I thought it was a great way to donate my time to the community and help the students.Unfortunately the girl is a student and this happened.I don’t blame anyone but if it continues to hurt I will break down and go to the eye doctor.I don’t know I don’t much like my eye doctor to be frank she is pushy and smartmouth type of person.I need to seek out another eye doctor it seems since I am really reluctant to go.

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2014

    Gail,

    I absolutely love hearing about your little man. He’s a brainiac. Alhumdulliah, Allah blessed you with a little genius. I’m happy to hear you and your hubs are doing well with the course

    Gail, Insha Allah, contact the dental office, and ask to speak with the doctor. Explain to the doctor what had happened during the cleaning, and what you’re experiencing now as a result of it. Ask him what he recommends you do. That office jacked up your eye and it’s on them to help you fix it. It’s what I suggest you do.

  • Gail

    November 24, 2014

    Ana,
    Gosh my eye still hurts from where she got plaque in my freaking eye.I thought it was healed but seems not.I keep thinking about Spirited and her talking about having some kind of eye ulcer here while back which keeps me double minded if i should go get the silly thing checked.It is some crazy thing sometime it itches then has small pain then goes away for a day or 2 then comes back again YAY MEEE!!!
    From here on out all teeth cleaning will be done with swimming goggles on my face and my eyes closed.
    Hubby and I made a 90% on our test tonight so we r very happy.
    and just cruising right along through the course.One thing for certain is our 9 yeah old listens to us talk about the course and he explains things to us like vacuum and gases was the chat tonight and how u don’t need a temperature rise to make liquid boil.I asked him if he learned this on BrainPop he said no from watching his documentaries.Nothing surprises me with that kid anymore.

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2014

    @Gail,

    I go for a dental cleaning tomorrow. Years ago I had one or two of those cleanings you last described – water running all down my back and a face shower, water pouring out my mouth LOL It’s a heck of an experience – traumatic. I thank Allah much I now have a hygienist who knows what the heck she’s doing. She’s a very nice sweet person, as well.

    I hope all is going well with your studies. You should be very excited about it.

  • anabellah

    November 23, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All,

    I’m hopeful everyone had a nice weekend. Insha Allah, you will all have a wonderful week and happy turkey day.

    Fiction,

    I’ll comment on the post you sent to Ina, if I may. We know Ina’s co is conniving and calculating. Clever??? I don’t know about all that. Ina, being more mature and perhaps more knowledgeable about our religion (way of life) than the girl, has the upper hand.

    Ina needs to know and remember what Allah says in the Holy Quran. He says those who plot evil, the evil will only hem in the author thereof (I didn’t write it verbatim, but it’s the gist of it). What they set out to do will not come to fruition. Instead of them hurting the one they set out to hurt, they only harm themselves. The girl may think she’s being clever, but she will soon come to know that she played herself. It’s Ina who will get the last laugh. Yeah baby! LOL Ina will prevail, as long as she’s got herself right with our Lord/Allah. It’s all good!

    @alison,

    I had been meaning to write you to let you know I think you did good by reconciling with your husband. Sometimes women need a little time a part to know what is right and to feel the love we have for another.

  • Gail

    November 22, 2014

    Ana,
    I actually grew up on the Arkansas/Oklahoma state line an hour and half from Tulsa,OK.
    I don’t know I will seek out an ENT if I can’t figure it out.

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2014

    Gail,

    I was in Kansas City, Kansas twice with my husband. It was funny as everyone dressed casually there, as they do in Seattle, Washington. I got strange looks. They could tell the way I was dressed that I was an out of towner. I’m too used to city living to live out that way. I don’t mind visiting though. Years ago, I drove through Oklahoma on my way to Fort Worth, Texas. Oklahoma looked like a cool place to be. I had said I wanted to go there. Have you ever been there?

    Maybe you could get an operation on your adenoids or something for your sinuses. I think most doctors don’t know what the heck they are doing. I refuse to have anything cut out of me.

  • Gail

    November 21, 2014

    Ana,
    Thanks for the help NOTTTTT!!! HAHAHAHH
    I am teasing.I HATEEEEEE Sinus and allergy issues it is just crap!! LOL
    Whats up with u and Wyoming hahahha Your to funny.I actually live on the border or Arkansas and Missouri and I can also be in Oklahoma or Kansas in like either state in 30 minutes time.Kansas is so flat on my side and cornfield heaven.

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2014

    Gail,

    “Oh, give me a home where the Buffalo roam
    Where the Deer and the Antelope play; ”

    Gail, I just learned “Home on the Range” is Kansas state song. I don’t know what is out there in Wyoming LOL

    Allergies are kicking my butt too right now. I don’t think there is a whole lot that can be done with sinus and allergy problems. My older sister, her husband and family just moved to another house in Connecticut and it’s in an area that has cows, horses, chickens and things. The air is different in the area and my niece is having a horrible time with her sinuses, congestion and all. I recommended an excellent ear, nose and throat doctor for her where I live. I think for most, allergies are something we have to learn to live with.

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2014

    Fiction,

    No problem whatsoever. You’re very welcome 🙂

  • Fiction

    November 21, 2014

    Thanks dear, I completely understood your points.

    I have a Diary in which I note down things that I learn from anywhere..
    I must admit I have learnt a lot from Polygamy as well & from these your recent posts addressing me I have noted down Seven very good points to include in behavior.. really thanks.

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2014

    Fiction,

    As far a a husband needing to take care of a wife financially, psychologically, emotionally etc., it’s a bunch of hog wash. He could only take care of her based on the means that Allah has given him. He loves his wife/wives. Allah says deal with them on a footing of kindness and equity. The husband is not responsible for his wife’s emotions. She is. He’s not responsible for her psychological state of mind. She is. Allah provides. The husband can only provide according to the means that Allah has given the husband.

    People put all kinds of conditions for the man to meet only to deter him from doing what Allah says he could. Allah never said a man has to be able to fulfill all his wives needs before he could marry more than one. Allah doesn’t put such a burden on anyone. We put the burden on them and on ourselves.

    Allah say give them their dowry, marry them, live with them on a footing of kindness and equity; feed them and cloth them; don’t leave a wife hanging so as she wonders whether she has husband. He shouldn’t abandon her; the husband and wife have certain rights over each other.

    I really don’t see that Ina’ husband has ignored her. I think it really boils down to everyone wanting what they want, how they want it and when they want it. It’s a me, me, me situation.

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2014

    Fiction,

    A first wife may think she’s being replaced by the incoming wife; that she’s not good enough anymore; that she’s lacking in something, etc. It’s all Satan’s whispers. In the majority of the cases the husband re-assures the first wife that he still loves her very much. He let her know his love for her hasn’t diminished, and will not diminish by him marrying another. He let’s her know she’s not lacking in anything. Everyone is different and bring different things to the table. It doesn’t mean one person is better than the other – other than the one who is more righteous in Allah’s sight is the best. All wives whether 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th have insecurities that they have to come to terms with. Only they can do it.

    I think a woman who marries a married man has many insecurities. She has to deal with not having had a husband of her own. The first wife had the husband in a monogamous marriage. The newcomer only knows of a polygamous marriage. She will not know what it’s like to be in a monogamous marriage, and not have to share.

    Most men think the only way a woman will agree to marry him when he’s already married is for him to make out the first wife to be an undesirable. He only hurts himself, as the newcomer soon learns the truth. The husband loves the first wife. It’s why he didn’t divorce her and make the newcomer the only wife. If a man really in head over heals in love with a woman that much, he’d divorce the other one. We don’t see it happening much.

    I don’t think Ina’s husband has abused or mistreated her, based on what she’s said. He met a girl, made his intent to marry her, and married her. In the course of doing so, Ina had to cope and deal with it and the emotions and feelings she had. Her husband showed some love for the wife that he just married and it hurts Ina. It’s understandable. In time, if Ina puts her faith and trust in Allah and worship Him properly, she will find peace, contentment, comfort and ease in her life. We hurt because of something in us that is not good.

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2014

    Fiction,

    We can look at it that the first wife loses time with her husband, and loses some of his resources. It’s a fact. People don’t like someone to take something from them; therefore, the first wife, until she get’s herself right with her Lord/Allah, will take exception to the loss.

    We could view it as the wife who married a married man had nothing. She’s allowed to marry a married man. Consequently, she should have his time and resources the same as the first wife. He now has more than one wife, so the wives have to share.

    To look at it from a religious point of view, which the parties, if they all are Muslim should do, the wife/wives with faith knows we are about selfLESSness. We share. We give. It’s not our anyhow. It all belongs to Allah and Allah has given us wealth and material goods etc as a trust for us to dispose of as He has directed us to. A wife who accepts that her husband will share his time and resources with another stands to gain many blessings for not being selfish.

    A woman whose husband marries another has a lot to gain in terms of preparation for Jannah. She get’s an opportunity for Allah to purify her soul of the evils within her. There are probably more blessings to be had by not opposing Allah and Allah decisions than she realizes. Allah had determined each and everyone of the marriages. Acceptance of Allah’s decisions is HUGE.

  • Fiction

    November 21, 2014

    Thanks dear for taking the time out to reply and that too such a detailed one!

  • Cowives Club

    November 21, 2014

    Fiction Ma Shaa Allah Tabarak Allah … excellent

    I never really go to doctors i always use natrual remadies first and if it persist i will only go but as a last resource

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2014

    Fiction,

    You said you understand the first wife’s feelings, as she thinks of the husband as her man and before the marriage he never mentioned wanting to be polygamous. It’s where the woman goes wrong. We don’t own our spouses; so it’s her fault if she thinks her husband belonged to her and he was her man. We don’t own other human beings. A Muslim should know we belong to Allah. She should know that Allah permits polygamy and her husband may someday, during their marriage, wed another despite how it appears at the moment. No one knows the future. A man could tell a woman that he won’t become polygamous or doesn’t want to. Well, it’s how he feels at the moment. No one know the future, but Allah.

    About the first wife’s marriage changing after he marries another. Yes; it will change. Everything changes when the variables changes. Nothing ever stays the same. It’s life.

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2014

    Hello Fiction,

    I’m well. Thank you for asking 🙂

    You asked how someone like Ina’s co could marry a married man and ignore that he already has a wife? I think it’s easy. Let’s take the United States for instance; it’s not uncommon to hear that a husband “Cheats” on his wife. He has a mistress. It only matters to anyone other than the husband and the mistress, if he get’s caught. The wife then has to determine what to do. Should she separate from her husband, divorce him, or stay in the marriage, and try to live with it? It’s not common in countries with a large Muslim population, as WOMEN are punished, whether by stoning or imprisonment, for having committed adultery or fornication or for being with someone other than her spouse.

    The only difference in someone like Ina’ case with the co and the scenario I described is that Ina’s husband had told her of the co and Ina didn’t find it out some other way. Her husband didn’t hide the co.

    In both scenarios, the women who were with married men, whether mistress or co, cares only about getting their desires fulfilled. Most people only care about what they want and about getting it. The women who are with already married men, only want the husbands. They don’t care anything about the husband’s wife and family that exited before their arrival. Why should they? They just do what they feel they’ve got to do to satisfy their desires.

    Would Ina’s co, had she been the first wife, accept polygamy? As a Muslim, it depends on her faith, if she has any. I don’t think any woman sets out wanting to share her husband. Would Ina’s co get upset, if her husband wanted to take a 3rd wife. She probably would. Right now Ina’s co thinks she’s the cats meow (she thinks she’s special. She thinks she’s all that). It would burst her bubble, if he wanted a 3rd. Reality would then set in for her, as to how Ina felt, and what she went through. She may want to befriend Ina should it happen.

  • Fiction

    November 21, 2014

    @ Cowives club!

    Dear just wanted to thank you. My eyes were really red and hurting & me needfully spending hours in front of screed to study from E-books, making my condition even worse.

    My Mom was consistently asking me to consult some Eye specialist, just tried your remedy & feeling a lot better… Really thanks!

  • Fiction

    November 21, 2014

    Hello Ana!

    How you doing?

    Well you know what, I really don’t understand why a person like Ina’s cowife who might even find it hard to accept that her Husband can have female coworkers and female friends too would want to marry a married man & then ignore the fact that he has a wife already…. Also I think we can bet money that she would never have accepted polygamy if it was to allow her husband to remarry after he married her!!

    I can understand First wife’s feeling because she in a way thinks her husband as her man and spends years with him especially if He never mentioned his intention of embracing polygamy during wedding. Also first marriage after polygamy can never remain same, it might change for better or worse but never the same, though #2 marriage is equal and wife has same rights as wife #1 but you know marriage #1 loses time, resources and all, also every person is unique & has a different way of coping with emotions so change could be really hard for some especially when we cannot help but think we are getting replaced & that too in our husband’s life… well just speaking practically not from religious point of view.

    But I really think people should be committed to themselves and establish some coordination between their intentions, words & actions..

    If Husband wants polygamy then he should be ready to take care of two wives, not only Physically or financially but emotionally as well. If He wants his wife to treat him like a man, then he should act like one.. So if he wants to be a leader then it should be in both marriages instead of accommodating one at the cost of other.

    Similarly if you are marrying a married man, then being married means he has a wife who is not meant to be ignored, you can atmost ignore her but not her marriage, that’s a reality. so acknowledge this fact.. sooner the better.

  • Gail

    November 21, 2014

    I have a question.I have this insane issue with my middle ear water retention.I have actually been watching it very closely and have come to notice that my ears and head seem way more congested like a day before my period is going to start.I am curious if anyone else has had this problem because it is so disturbing to me.I struggle with it daily but it is so much more worse during my period.I could handle the ear fullness if I didn’t bother my concentration and thinking. brain fog is the best way to describe it which I have tied to my ears.If my ears r fine then no brain fog but if my ears have fluid then just shoot me.I am so curious if anyone else has this type of issue.I have been to the doctor countless times over this issue and they just say it is allergies and take allergy meds.I have taken claritin which does nothing for it.I am thinking to try zyrtec but seems more logical to me at this point to take a water pill.Even sinus pills do nothing for this problem.It helps for a short time but not enough to fix the issue.Arghhhh

  • Cowives Club

    November 21, 2014

    Asalamu Alikum

    yes gail building a home is alot of pressure believe me …even tho we moved into ours their is still work going on and the dust and dirt Not good

    Ina Ma shaa Allah your doing really good and getting by .. believe me sis your husband will respect you more as time goes by because the more she does what she does and you dont he will always have you to come home to and be relaxed with

    coco duly noted ..as for your salat and feeling a little ow .. this happens we will never always be high in our eman all the time but thats when we turn to Allah and ask him to strengthen us … In Shaa Allah you will feel more yourself soon

    you know something ladies about the eye problems you have the best way to sort that out is natural honey and it’s best when it’s pure honey …what you do is get a cotton bud and dip it in to the honey and then along the bottom of your eye rub …it will sting first but it will stop all infections ..their was an outbreak here in algeria of pink eye after the big earthquake in 2003 and lot of ppl got sick some went to doctors and it took at least 2 weeks for it to be cured but those who did the honey it took just under 3 days … so give it a try next time you have an infection in the eye

  • Gail

    November 21, 2014

    Ana,
    Yeah I been looking at different states.Wyoming I wonder what is out there all I know about it is that it is cattle country.

    Ina,
    I think u r taking everything great but listen if your cowife made him tell u then she was hoping u and him would get into a fight it seems to me which would not surprise me a bit.I think on your husbands side now that him and her r married things between u two will get back to normal now granted it will be a “new normal” but none the less I get this feeling your marriage will be fine as long you both don’t let cowife dictate your marriage.

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2014

    @Gail,

    Maybe you’d want to look into Wyoming as a possible place to have a home built. In a older 2010 report it was listed one of the best places to live:

    Ohio was listed as one of the worse.

    http://money.usnews.com/money/retirement/articles/2010/07/22/the-bestand-worstplaces-to-build-a-nest-egg

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2014

    @Ina,

    As Salaamu Alaikum. Welcome back and happy belated anniversary!!! It was way sweet of your husband to send you the flowers.

    You survived the wedding and honeymoon. Good for you. Alhudulliah, Allah saw you through it. So, it wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be huh. Undoubtedly, it’ll take much more adjustment and time. You know the saying, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

    It sounds as though your hubs is trying to do the right thing by you. I’m happy to hear he did NOT acquiesce to her request; he didn’t change the schedule.

    It must have been a big step for you to call her “co-wife” in your post. You did way good. I thought she’d get really ugly in her behavior once he return to you. I’m glad it didn’t get crazy. Allah is Great! Sometimes everything is opposite. One can expect the worse, but it’s good and when one expects good, it’s bad. We just can’t call it sometimes Wouldn’t it be nice not to try? Insha Allah, I’m going to try to get in that mindset and see how it works – not anticipate anything, not try to predict what will happen. I think it would be awesome.

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2014

    Gail,

    You said you moved to Missouri 7 years ago ,and had every intention to build a house, but for no real reason never did. It all seem to have worked out for the best for you. You were able to save a nice amount of money and, now, Insha Allah, you could go build your dream home. We plot and plan, but Allah/God is the Master Planner.

    Insha Allah, google the best place to build a home in the U.S. or the best place to live, the least expensive place to live and all that and you may get a better idea where you’d like to go live. You may have already done it. I just thought I’d mention it in case you hadn’t.

  • Ina

    November 20, 2014

    @ Helen,

    When I first read your story, I was concerned. Firstly, I think it’s morally wrong to marry someone with the intention of divorcing them after a set period of time. How would you feel if this happened to you or your sister or your daughter? It’s cruel for you and your husband to use the girl in this way…even if it makes you feel better to think your husband does not love her and is only using her. He himself does not know how he will feel once he starts to have intimate relationship with her.

    Secondly, I used think that my husband never lies but he does. Also, men seem to think if they don’t say anything, it’s not lying.

    From what you have written, I get the feeling that maybe the girl and your husband are saying things to make you better because of your depression.

    Your depression and feelings of insecurity about your husband’s love are all completely normal. You should not feel bad for feeling down…just cry all day but pick yourself up again and say you are going to be ok tomorrow. You have young baby to take care of. It’s important, you don’t let your emotions affect them (easier said than done, I know). I am over my depression (alhamdulillah) but I constantly have doubts about my husband’s feelings for me. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to feel content with polygamy but I pray for it so inshaallah my prayers will be answered.

  • Ina

    November 20, 2014

    Assalamualaikum everyone,

    Hubby has been back from his honeymoon for 8/9 days now. He’s now with co-wife. He sent me a bouquet of flowers for anniversary which was unexpected. After he was me for 3 nights, I did momentarily forget that he will be leaving to go to co-wife the next day. Things are feeling normal yet strange at the same time.

    On the 3rd night, I was waiting for him to eat dinner after he returns from isha prayers at the mosque. He took longer than expected to return so I knew he was calling co-wife. I got upset because we talked about the no contact after maghrib rule and I thought he agreed. As it turns out he said he did not agree to anything and his rule is no contact after we are in bed rule. Apparently, he needs to call her every night so say goodnight otherwise “she will not survive”. She is the type of person who needs constant reassurance/attention. He got mad at me for getting upset over a 10min phone call. If he did not agree with this rule then he should have said so instead of keeping quiet and trying to do it behind my back. He even told me that he tells her not to call him after maghrib. So I thought ok, if he needs to call her every night then he should call me every night too. Guess what happened when he called me the first night he was back with her? She got upset, cried and asked for divorce!

    I am not surprised she reacted that way at all. She seems to cry whenever she doesn’t get her way. Apparently, a few days before the wedding she begged hubby to change the schedule so he spends only first 2 days with me after their honeymoon before returning to her. Hubby said she begged him like she never begged him before but he refused. He knows there will a sh!tstorm coming his way if he changed it. Hubby told me this because he wanted me to know that he doesn’t always do whatever she asks (I do accuse him of this often). He does what he can…which I take it means whoever gives him the less grief.

    Last night hubby came back from mosque and asked me you know I called her right? I nodded and thought why did he ask me that. Apparently she complained that I didn’t know when he calls her like she knew when he called me. So to settle her hubby had to tell me and then report back to her that he’s told me. How childish can you get?

  • Gail

    November 20, 2014

    Cowives Club,
    I actually own 3 acres already in Missouri here in USA and my husband owns several rental homes and Schools and businesses in Pakistan so I don’t want to give the wrong impression that I have never owned a home before when in fact we own more than most people.It just happened that we moved to Missouri 7 years ago and had ever intention to build a house here but we for no real reason we just never did build.I love my property but the neighbors we now drive me crazy and I am so glad we did not build.I am just ready to get into a house.I want an older colonial style home with alot of sq ft that I can fix up.I love Victorian style with beautiful wooden staircases and fireplaces.I am pretty excited.

  • Gail

    November 20, 2014

    Marie,
    I hate snow Florida is looking better and better all the time.lol

  • Gail

    November 20, 2014

    Coco,
    I have been fighting some kind eye infection also so I here u on that.I went to the dentist for teeth cleaning and as she was cleaning my teeth something flew in my eye.Stupid me What do i do but start rubbing it like a moron and obviously it starts hurting more.Took a week for it to clear up. That girl who cleaned my teeth she was hell on me.She was in training and holy cow I got a shower with the water pik and I mean a shower it was running down my mouth and neck and my entire back was soaked.
    then I felt she rubbed to hard on one of my teeth and I swear I asked her to look at it because it felt very sensitive like electric shock she leaned over me squinted and said it looks like a small chip.I was like WHATTTTT!!! Needless to say I was mortified for a second until I told myself done so done now.
    From now on when I get my teeth cleaned I will not only ask for goggles i will close my eyes the entire time.
    How is everything going with your Pathan man.

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2014

    coco, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    There you are Alhumdulliah, your eye is better. I was hoping you’d be back with us soon.

    Don’t beat yourself up about your salats (prayers). It matters that you recognize the change that is occurring with your salats and you care enough to want to get back to feeling good about them again. It could simply be a test for you to see just how important your salats are to you and whether you’ll focus or fold. Some people just give up on their salats all together or only do some of them or only do them at Jumah or only during Ramadan. Your salats matter to you to the degree you felt it necessary to speak on about them and feel badly about how things have been going. It’s good you feel as you do.

    Some days we’ll feel very close to Allah and our salats are strong and other days or times they seem lukewarm at best. It’s important that we keep doing them, regardless.

    It’s important to know that Allah controls our salats and reading of the Quran the same as He controls everything. We could say I’ve got to get better with my salat; I’ve got to read more Quran; I’ve got to do this and I’ve got to do that. We fail to realize that any of it will only happen if it pleases Allah, including us offering our salats or reading the Quran.

    We have to turn to Allah, and ask and plead for Him to allow us to offer our salats and read the Quran. We have to invoke Him for everything. He decides all things. We have to persevere. We can’t despair. We have to really sincerely want to serve Allah and be on the mutaqueen and God Willing, He’ll see us through. He guides those who seek His guidance. It’s all good!

    Every now and again, at least one salat or more, I forget how many rakats I’ve done. Sometimes I probably do about 6 instead of 4, as I loose count. We have to go with it – whatever Allah places us in – deal it as best we can. There is a rhyme and a reason for everything.

    After we offer our salats and read the Quran, we should thank Allah for allowing us to do it, as well. We need to thank Him for giving us all our faculties and thank Him for the rain that falls down from the sky – for everything…

  • Gail

    November 20, 2014

    Ana,
    Gosh I don’t know I am rethinking this entire buffalo idea to be frank.I just can’t deal that much snow I would be mentally sick because I am the type to run to the store and hoard food.I admit I am a food hoarder.My home looks like a small grocery store to be honest all the time I could not imagine not being able to get to the store or the shelves being emptied.I tell my children all the time they have no idea how lucky they r that they can go to the cabinet and find what they want and if it is not in the cabinet they know there is a back up supply in the garage.
    I have a commercial walk in freezer the same like they have in Walmart that I keep packed with every kind of kiddy food u could think of.
    I guess thats my best quality although it is nothing for me to spend 2,000 a month or more on my grocery bill just to please my family.
    I could be a chef easy I think I would not have any problem getting food together for a crowd.haha

  • coco

    November 20, 2014

    Assalaamualeikum
    And a massive helloooooooooo to all you beautiful woman!
    I’ve recuperated from the eye infection it was nice to read all the get well wishes much love to you all <3 Well things have been so chaotic on my end that I fall asleep drinking tea on the sofa while sketching pretty much every night lol I've been reading every few days and keep wanting to post but haven't been quite successful till now! I've been wrapped up in the production of the new collection, working on the business proposal and had a cousin visiting with her kids so literally didn't have a chance to unwind and write here I've ohhhh so MISSED it! So I will begin with welcoming all the new ladies who've been posting here isn't this just the perfect place to find solace? 🙂 I love tuning in to read you Ana as well as Gail you both are so funny you both sure do put a smirk on my face when I really need it 🙂 Ana I hope you are content with life, Gail woohoo best of luck with the buying of your home, I hope Ina is doing well adjusting, I wish Laila well haven't really seen her skimming through, ummof4 it's always a pleasure reading your words. Mari2, Marie and Spirited you all seem to be doing quite good as well mashAllah 🙂 Helen and cowife club listen to these ladies they give substantial concrete advice it may not feel good to hear at the moment but really try to let their words sink in think of the different perspectives presented here the various point of views they may seem insignificant at the time but later on we may learn that was exactly what we needed to hear to really transcend into polygamy. I will end with a small point I've been feeling a bit down lately and I reckon it's cuz I have a lot going on right now with work, my family, my Pathan, stress from lack of time but so much to do and I'm a person who can handle what's thrown at me pretty well, I just came to a realisation that my prayer of salat has gotten weaker I mean I am praying everyday but I'm so immersed and dwelling in my bottled up sorrow that I'm not alert or putting my 100% while praying, I forget how many rakats I'm reading I just get spaced out during salat and it really hit me it's cuz all my anxiety, pain and worry was melted away as soon as I would pray my salat, All the power, solace and inner strength comes from prayer so how can I be the same if I'm not offering my salat the same. All the pain we are inflicted with comes with the will of Allah we can't let it take away from who we are so inshAllah I will try to rectify my lack of concentration and mental alertness to get right on track to bounce back to my happy positive self! Wish you all a splendid jumma much love 🙂 xo
    Lots of love to you all xoxo

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2014

    Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    They do that crazy stuff here where I live. Let them forecast a huge snow storm and people act like they’ll be inside their houses for 40 days and 40 nights. They buy up just about everything in the stores. They literally almost wipe out the entire inventory. They did it for the New Millenium. I suppose people are ridden with a whole lot of fear. I never go out and stock up on anything out of such fear. I’ve just never been inspired to do such a thing.

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2014

    What Marie said about the husbands saying they would divorce the wife whom he married second, if the first wife can’t pull herself together is VERY REAL. It happens. Many of them say it. I think they really mean it, as well. They didn’t realize what they were getting themselves into with polygamy, and would like to get out of it. They can’t understand why it’s not that easy for them to get out of. They feel they’ve gotten themselves in too deep to get out. They don’t realize, as Marie said, Allah determines who we will marry, whether or not we will divorce and when. It’s not us who decides. Us deciding is an illusion.

    The more we realize we are not in control, the easier our lives become. The only way to really realize we are not in control is to live life and see that we are not. Allah opens some people’s eyes to see and some He leaves blind (It’s not their eyes that are blind, but their hearts). They are blind to the TRUTH.

  • Marie

    November 20, 2014

    Ohh one more thing. I don’t think that the 1st wife has to be compatible with the 2nd, although that would help. Both wives should be compatible with the husband as it is they who have to build a relationship. Having said that, if both wives are Muslim and hold the same belief and LIVE Islam, then they have loads in common and surly would be able to build a friendship or at least be able to be in the same room.

  • Marie

    November 20, 2014

    Just in case that gets confusing. I think most woman would bury their feelings instead of deal with them. Because they believe the 2nd marriage will end

  • Marie

    November 20, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All,

    Gail, I’m with you on snow, British people do not handle snow well. One year it snowed quite bad, it was all over the news people were out stocking up on canned goods and milk lol. You would have thought the earth was crumbling, it was crazy.

    Helen, I think the other women here have covered the fact that the ‘plan’ maybe unfair to your prospective Co wife. My thinking is this. Let’s say Insha’allah your husband marries the woman, you go though the feelings that most woman tend to deal with, but because your husband said he will divorce in two years you tell yourself, it’s Ok, I only have to do this for two years and it’s over. Instead of dealing with the emotions and using the circumstances to get nearer to Allah, (I’m not saying you will do this, but it’s highly likely that ANY woman would) after all its only two years right. Ok, so the two years is up and your more than ready to have your husband back to yourself. Then hubs decides he doesn’t want to divorce her, maybe he loves her, maybe she has his child. Who knows he may want to keep her. All I’m saying is if it does happen, I wouldn’t have your heart set on it lasting only two years.

    Real life example: husband says to wife he’s going to marry again, wife doesn’t want him to but goes with it anyway. After the wedding wife is not doing well and is beside herself with misery. Husband says fine if you can’t handle it, I will divorce 2nd wife. Weeks go by, wife still not handling it. Husband doesn’t divorce 2nd wife.

    Point is, Allah controls when we marry and when we divorce, it’s not for us to set time limits and expect that it will go according to what we planned.

    Well that’s my take on it

  • Cowives Club

    November 20, 2014

    Thank you ana much appreciate

    Alhamdu lilah Aisha your feeling better

    Oh gail i just realised that your buying your own home … i will tell you it’s an amazing feeling when you have something to call your own … here in algeria it’s the same ppl dont really do credit for buying homes … we came here along time ago and bought our flat and many many years later were able to sell it and build our home …like this you dont have to worry about rent or other stuff even parking your car outside isnt a hassle

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2014

    Wow, could you imagine me in Pakistan and I put that pic on a public forum just to be playful. I could be grounds for me to get stoned (and I don’t mean “high”).

    It is horrifying to think of it. We read about the girls who were stoned for being outside, and smiling and laughing in the rain

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2014

    Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Sister, 🙂

    What do you say? I think Helen and her husband should let the sister go and Helen should let the sister know that Cowives club and Iman Safaa and their husbands are looking for a nice young lady to add to their families. At least she’d be wanted by them for good reasons that aren’t all about selfish gain. What ya think?

    Cowives club,

    I would love to be more like you the way you handle criticism and negative feedback. I’m not one of those people who has what they call, “thick skin”, so to speak. You dealt with the discussion concerning the “Jinn” very nicely, sis Perhaps one day, Insha Allah, I will be more like you in that respect.

    More power to the people. I changed the pic. The other one was a little over the top for this forum.

    I know; I get real corny sometimes

  • Aisha

    November 20, 2014

    Asalam alikum my beautiful sisters,I wad down with an eye stye and my eye was huge but now am fine,hope yall are fine

    Helen I just want to say to I think u are approaching poligamy in a wrong way and it might back fire on u later on when the sister realises u n ur hubby were just using her for ur own gain(hell hath no furry like a woman scorened)keep that in mind and just put urself in her shoes,it is just not right.she also deserves to be loved and cared for and if ur hubby is not the 1 to that then let her be so she can find some1 who will,maaf if I offended uwith how I feel about ur situation

    Iman safaa
    welcome cc,what u r doing for ur hubby is admirable and I respect u for that,I also wanted to find a compatible co and 2nd for m hubby but unfortunately his familý chose cuzzy for him so I just have to go with the flow but I personally would have gone for someone we both are compatible with

    Gail
    I applaud u gail for bsaving up to be able to buy a house on cash,that is amazing.

    Cowives club
    I am not gonna say anything on the jinns issue,Ana and the others have said enough and I do get what ur saying

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2014

    Gail,

    If you and your husband want to be near your brother-in-law who lives in Toronto, Canada, couldn’t you just move there? Although, I suppose there is still the problem of the snow.

    Gail, get a load of this http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-30124729

    Ohio is probably very nice, as well. Insha Allah, make sure you check the taxes, as well. You probably already knew that.

  • Gail

    November 20, 2014

    Ana,
    I know right the snow in Buffalo is insane! I hate snow so I don’t know how this is going to work out long term for winter months.I may have to seriously think to either rent in Florida during winter months or go to Pakistan if it gets to bad.I will be honest I wouldn’t be able to take that much snow.We have mainly picked this city because of my brother inlaw so we can all be close together.From what we seen of Buffalo we like the summer pics.lol We haven’t made anything final yet but Buffalo sure jumped to number one on our list in one day after a year of looking and thinking on Ohio.I like Ohio because of cheaper housing.Everything will be made clear after we get through this HVACR training and go visit Buffalo.I would have gone to see Buffalo this week butttt seems now is not the time.If Buffalo gets alot of crazy snow every year I don’t know about all that to be honest because I really hate snow.I can handle rain everyday over snow.lol

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2014

    Gail,

    Are you out to lunch? Lol I just Read parts of Buffalo, New York are still under 5 feet of snow from Wednesday. You seriously are considering a move there? Maybe you should rethink that one.

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2014

    Gail,

    I think it is really wonderful that you and your husband are studying for the HVACR Heating and Air certification. I admire anyone who can do any type of work such as it. My brain isn’t formulated for it. I’d probably get a headache from just reading the first page LOL It should prove lucrative for you and your family, God Willing.

    I think you are definitely one smart lady to pay cash for a house. People always want to tell others not to do it that way. DON’T LISTEN TO THEM. Paying cash is the BEST way, if one can do it. I know too many people who have mortgages and the houses have become a burden for them. They live to pay for a house and it’s a struggle. I believe it becomes a burden, as Allah tells us not to deal in interest/usury and a mortgage eats up some interest. A Jewish lady I was friends with and worked with said, “A house is a thief.” I knew what she was talking about. What a blessing to buy one, own it straight up, bec able to sell it at anytime.

    Don’t talk to me about Canada,Gail LOL I loooove Montreal. I just love, love, love that city. It’s the only place in Canada that I’ve been. I’ve visited the city several times. It’s very cosmopolitan to me. I asked my husband if we could move there. He said no. It is extremely cold there. It’s freezing there. I went in the winter once, and almost froze my rear off. The only down side is everything look so grey and icy from all the salt they use due to the snow and ice. Vehicles are covered in salt. I love the feel of the city. Okay, I’m done.

  • Cowives Club

    November 20, 2014

    Asalamu Alikum

    Thank you so much gail ….i’m glad to be here ….i have had to go back over some of the posts as i was a little out of the loop

    Helen

    i was reading over your post about your husband and this girl and as far as i aware in islam marriages like these arent permitted … a man cant marry a woman with the intention of divorcing her after some time unless he is from the shia sect or islam as they believe this is allowed …i can find some daleel for you if you like …i also see you feel a little out of it that maybe he will love her more and stuff like that …believe me sis .. you have made this journey so easy for him he will love you more and see you in such a different way as to what he see’s in her …just remember Allah is with you and the more you turn to him the more he is with you

    Iman safaa

    Ma shaa Allah Tabrak Allah sis May Allah make this journey easy for you ..ameen …. i have dealt with alot of sisters on facebook who are like you that are helping their husband to find the second and i love ths about sister … the best of marriages is when all come together for the sake of Allah and find themselves working towards jannah …. if you like i do have a special page on facebook where i post for sisters who are seeking 2nd wives for their husbands and if you like i can post for you their ..maybe ana can pass my email address to you for just look me up on fb with this name and you will find me i will not post the names of the sisters everything is done anon….

    Other than that the only other way is to go to your local masjid and make friends and see and look out …sometimes you can get a feeling about someone and their can be a connection and from their you never know what Allah will do next

    Their are also sites than can be joined but you need to be careful as some women dont go their for marriage but for the haram …and remember anything that is started in the haram will end in the haram

    I do hope and pray that Allah will send the right type of sister for your family and that she will be a big blessing for you all

  • Gail

    November 20, 2014

    Ana,
    I don’t think I have mentioned it yet on the blog but I talk hubby into online schooling and study for his HVACR Degree.Him and I have been sitting and going through the books and videos and I decided I would also test and get my HVACR Heating and Air certification.We had been toying with the idea for about a year now as another business.We are about a month into the books.I am pretty excited about it.
    You know I am into real estate and now we will be able to install or repair heating and air units in our rentals.
    I have all planning to buy one home for sure this season and I am hoping for a duplex rental as well.I am pretty proud of myself I have actually saved enough money in one season to buy a home and pay cash.Hopefully next season I will also have enough to pay cash for a duplex.I thought I would share what was going on with me these days.

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2014

    @Gail,

    I totally get it now. Thank you for bringing it home,using Bill Clinton. You just schooled me. Cool!

  • Gail

    November 20, 2014

    Helen,
    I have to agree with Ana in your situation.I think u r a very nice woman and I think there is something inside of u that is not lining up with this entire marriage idea.I think in your case it has very little to do with Polygamy as much as it has to do with marrying someone for the wrong reasons.
    If u would have said u really think she will be a good cowife and u seen this as a forever marriage and not some Muttah marriage then I would not feel the way I do but if u r struggling knowing it is just a 2 yr Muttah marriage then u r opening up a can of worms that don’t need to be opened up.
    I say leave it alone unless u r going to put on your big girl panties and accept the marriage as equal to yours and not think Muttah marriage.Hope this helps.

  • Gail

    November 20, 2014

    Ana,
    The Beverly Hill Billies are a step up from my mothers side of the family hahah ! In all seriousness though Bill Clinton is from Hope,Arkansas and his mother was a Chain Smoking Bingo going woman. She was about as Hillbilly as they come and so is Bill but that CRAZY hillbilly Never mind his politics made it all the way to the White House!

  • Gail

    November 20, 2014

    Ana & Iman Safaa,
    Ana I have to be honest in saying I would 10000000% help my husband find another wife if he was into polygamy u betchaaaa!!!
    I think the 1st wife being involved upfront is 100% the way to go!
    The new prospect will know u r involved in the marriage and she is not going to come in and play games.It gives the wife a chance to talk to the other woman and lay all the cards on the table.Oh yeah for sure I feel that is the way to go esp if the first wife is going to want to have a relationship with second wife and raise kids together in a one family unit.

    Iman Safaa,
    Reading your post made me so happy.I just love the way u have this challenge but u r not going to let it stop u from making a family with your husband.I can tell u have a special heart and I pray G.D gives u a wonderful cowife.Make no mistake u r a great blessing to your husband.
    Also believe me u will love your cowifes children just as much had u birthed them yourself believe me.I am raising my excowife children and I love them and could never imagine not having them in my life.They are a such a blessing to me.Believe me if u get the right cowife u will never feel u ever made a sacrifice.
    Now what u need to look for in a cowife is a woman that loves Allah/G.D not in just the form of words but in her actions.U need to pray to Allah to send u your cowife.Look for a woman that is good by heart and slow to anger and can tame her jealousy.On your side make certain u can bond with her as u need to love her as much as your husband does to be honest since u will be raising children together.It don’t work when u have two woman who have different ideas about raising children understand.You must talk to your potential cowife and take it slow and ask her how she wants to raise her children and see if it lines up with the way u want to raise them as well.I can’t stress that enough if u want a happy home.
    Some questions are would u both like to be called mom.In my case my kids called me mom and their birth mother by her first name and mom example Fatima mom is what they called her understand.My cowife hated that I talked to the kids about it but they said no they would call her Fatima mom and I said ok.I did not force the issue.These r issues I am talking about.True u will not know everything but u can get enough idea by talking and asking questions to figure out which woman is the right one.Hope this helps.

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2014

    Gail,

    The only thing I know about hillbillies is what I used to watch when I was a kid – the Beverly Hiibillies. The show cracked me up. Then I began watching the show of late,”Justfied” only because my husband liked the show. I didn’t mind watching the show after while, as the lead actor was very easy on the eyes.He was hot!

    You really are one funny lady; although you confuse me. You are way too bright and intelligent to be classified a “Hiibillie”. What’s up with that? I need my slang emoticon here, but I’m on my phone. It doesn’t add up. It’s not the right fit.

  • Gail

    November 20, 2014

    Cowives Club,
    Thanks for responding yes u r correct I don’t know much about it so I won’t comment anymore on that topic.Glad u r here with us!

  • Gail

    November 19, 2014

    Ummoff4,
    I forgot to mention u could never offend me.I really respect u so much and I know u a very good and decent person.It’s funny how u get to know people through the blog.I also think it is so great u r writing a Polygamy book.It is a subject that needs to be talked about and brought out more into the open I feel.
    Ummoff I have a question which seems kinda silly of me to ask but u know my nodules came back benign but now I have to go back in 6 months and I don’t really understand why if everything is ok then why do I have to do 6 month check ups?The doc said my cancer risk was the same as any other woman at 10%.I know woman do have to go back for 6 month check ups but I really have no idea why so I thought I would ask u.

  • Gail

    November 19, 2014

    Ummoff4,
    Believe me I am the classic hillbilly right down to my 2 bedroom falling apart 1980s crap trailer.hahhaha!! Of course my piece of crap trailer looks like a mansion compared to alot of people that live around me.Some people that live behind me on the next road HOLY COW u would not believe but the have this shack and I mean shack and on both sides of the shack they have joined camper trailers onto both ends of the shack.It is the craziest thing I have ever seen but they have been living like that for years.
    I never meant to be living in my now run down trailer for 7 yrs just kinda ended up that way but I am buying a home it looks like in Buffalo,New York.I have been looking forever and I thought to move to Ohio because home prices r cheap but since my brother inlaw married a Canadian woman we r thinking Buffalo is great so we can all visit.Even they may end up moving to Niagra falls on the Canadian side is a possibility.
    Strangely I really like the pics that I have seen of Buffalo so far with exception of the snow I hate snow and it seems Buffalo has alot ughhh. lol
    Oh I am good cook(not tooting my own horn lol)
    I don’t cook or eat Pork which is a huge shock to my entire family at holidays.Even still if we go somewhere they scream WHAT U DON”T EAT PORK.U r from Arkansas home of the Hogs/Pigs and don’t eat pork!! hahahah I just laugh.I live in Missouri but was raised in Arkansas.

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2014

    @Helen,

    My thought is why make it your intent to go through with it? If you don’t want it and your husband is unsure, leave it alone. Pay the girl to work for your business, and leave it at that. You said he doesn’t even like the girl.

    It’s not like most of the ladies here, whose husbands want polygamous marriages, and want to marry the women.

    Allah knows best whether you’d get any barakat (blessings) for it. It’s apparent you’re not doing it to increase your faith, to accept Allah’s decision, to bring good into someone else life or anything of the sort.

    You and your husband are looking to get this girl mixed up in your lives to exploit her for your and his benefit. Do yourself a favor and leave the whole thing alone, is my advice to you. It’s how to stop crying and begin eating and sleeping again. Insha Allah, the girl will find someone who wants to be married to her, will love her, and care for her.

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2014

    Iman Safaa, As Salaamu Alaikum, Welcome 🙂

    Nice avatar. It looks a bit confused.

    @Cowives club,

    Insha Allah, if you are out there reading, perhaps you may have some advice for Iman Safaa.

    @Iman Safaa,

    The only person I know who has made her intent to help her husband find another wife is “cowives club”. I don’t know of how a person would go about finding a woman to join an existing marriage other than a marriage site, word of mouth or letting people at the masjid know you are looking.

    You will find with marriage sites most Muslim women make it clear they want no parts of polygamy, and don’t want to hear from anyone interested in it. Of course, there are non-Muslim women who are readily acceptable to plural marriages, but it usually are people who want polyamory relationships or Mormons. Not many women are lining up to be second wives.

    Usually it’s people who aren’t looking to be polygamous who find themselves in polygamous marriages. The ones who want and look, don’t find that easily, if at all. They only aggravate themselves, chasing after something that may not be for them. It’s best to let it happen naturally, if it’s meant to be (Allah’s Will).

  • Iman Safaa

    November 19, 2014

    I am currently married to a wonderful man and he is the best husband a woman could ask for. From the beginning I knew that he deperately wanted a family, and he knew that I could not give him children. I could not have custom ordered a man more compatible to me. We did try to go our separate ways because the family thing was not really in our control. After a few months however, the hole that resided in both our lives without the other,caused us to rethink the situation.

    I can’t imagine a more perfect father than he would make. He is devoted, kind, loving and fears Allah. I deperately want him to have children, and just as desperately, I want to be a part of that. We decided to have a plural marriage. I am excited about the prospect, but also a little scared too. It is certainly a test I never thought I would be presented with, but Allah knows best.

    The problem is that he wants me to help chose our co-wife because he says it is not just about his needs, but mine and our family, inshaallah, as well. I have no idea where to begin to look or how to approach another sister about this. Does anyone have a similar experience that they can help with advice on the subject? He had no one in mind when he presented me with the idea so we really are at square one.

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2014

    Dear Helen,

    I will be back as soon as I can to talk with you. I don’t want to rush, which I’m doing right now. You are going to be okay. If your husband wants to call off the marriage to the girl, as it hurts him to see you hurt so much, then let him do it. You said he’s getting cold feet. It could be a sign that it’s not right to do or not right at the current time.

    I question him marrying her to enhance the business. It is no guarantee that she would help make the business any better. Allah says those who serve Him, (We have to do our part in worshiping Allah) will have hope for a commerce that will never fail. Allah determines the success or failure of a business. The girl is no surety.

    It is Allah who provide and it is Allah who decides. You two are putting your hope in a human being who can bring no good or harm to herself excepts as ALLAH WILLS. None of us can. Allah could show you that you are wrong in doing so, and have the business still fair despite she being a part of it.

    Bring the girl into the family so that she will be loved and have a good family and a good life. Don’t use her as a work slave. It is not what she is.

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    Oh, my goodness, some of these avatars really creep me out. On another note, I’m sure, as Marie said, some people here begin to wonder what’s going on when they hear someone sent me an email or I sent them one. Some people alert me, as they know I’m bad with checking my email. I’ve gotten better with checking though. Usually, the emails are about pics that are being shared. It’s not at all about anyone talking off the blog negatively about someone or anything such as it.

    I asked Marie if I could have her children. Oh, my, words cannot describe those darling, handsome little fellows. They are so precious. Allah has truly blessed her with lovely children.It’s true that placing faces to names allows one to see people as they never thought they were. The way I envision people before I see them usually is never the way they are. It’s amazing how are minds work.

  • Helen

    November 19, 2014

    Assalamualaikum everyone,

    Just updating on my progress. In my country, before we enter polygamous marriage we have to do many procedures. So today, 3 of us had to go to the court. The judge asked us many questions mainly to my husband and I. I had to lie a little bit to give perfect picture of my husband. The result, court has no objection and we can proceed. Alhamdulillah it went well.

    However, the whole day I felt weak (spiritually) and cried most of the time. I guess it’s a phase that I have to go through. Frankly, I don’t accept this well yet but I want my husband to be able to expand his business. So I kept pushing him to proceed fast so when this really happens, I have nothing more to say and accept this (by hook or by crook). Occasionally he gets cold feet too. Now as Im writing this, he is on his way to cancel the marriage. I failed to stop him. What a drama.

    But I will ask him to proceed anyhow. Will update more tomorrow.

    Please give me supportive words to overcome this ‘phase’. I want to stop crying, I want to eat and sleep again.

  • Cowives Club

    November 19, 2014

    i just wanted to point out one thing …my husband under no circumstance is doing any type of witchcraft …Astagfir allah am if i ever thought he was i would divorce him on the spot….and report him

    as a raaqi you have to study the reasoning behind jinn and the shyatan and the best way to treat those afflicted … he doesnt go out looking for these type of ppl … they just happen to come to him …..

    as for looking for a co wife he doesnt set out to look for one who is afflicted ..thats why he is careful now about the type of sister he wants to marry … we both want a sister who is a benefit to us and our kids ..one upon the deen and working toward jannah

    Anyway … as far as the subject i think it’s best to stop as you yourself said you dont know too much about it

    just keeps us in your duas that if it is written for him to marry that it will be the last and that the marriage will grow to be a blessing for both him and her

  • ummof4

    November 19, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Gail, I thought you were a hillbilly, but didn’t want to say so, because some people are offended by it. I happen to love hillbillies because they are very real people. They are simple, straight and to the point and do not complicate their lives. They don’t look down on other people and are content with what they have. They also can cook really well (but they use too much pork).

    Ina, I am glad that your husband is back home safe and sound. Enjoy the time you and your boys have with him and try to live your life with business as usual.

    Everyone enjoy your day. It’s freezing here in the northeast US. Remember Allah often during the day and ask for His blessings and His forgiveness.

  • Marie

    November 19, 2014

    Ana, I felt the same about arica comment, I had to read it twice before I got she was joking lol.

    Just to let others know, I had sent Ana some pictures. I know I used want to know what the emails was about, when others would do it, I’m just a bit nosey like that.

    Ina, can’t wait to find out how your doing, I had been wondering too. I’m glad you got a laugh out of my other avatar.

  • Gail

    November 18, 2014

    Marie,
    U made me laugh about all my one liners.lol I grew up in Arkansas land of the Hillbillies and we all normally talk in one liners where I come from.It’s funny to me u guys find me funny on paper because people have always found me to be very funny even so many time people bust out laughing at something I say and I am scratching my head wondering what they think is so funny until the tell me.lol
    Yeah though it is just an Arkansas thing I guess I don’t know.lol

    Ina,
    I am waiting with baited breath to know what is going on with u and your hubby Oh if only I could be a fly on your wall to know what was going on.
    Has your cowife disturbed u anymore or has she backed off?

  • anabellah

    November 18, 2014

    Cowives club, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m sure you probably understand that for a lot of people it weird to talk about certain things such as Jinns as they relate to black magic and secret arts. As you know I don’t know much about the subject other than what I mentioned. I think it’s good that you brought up the topic.

    I know your husband believes he is doing good by getting Jinns out of people or off of them and you’ve seen it happen. It, however, makes me wonder what effect it has on your husband. Is it good or does it only appear to be good? He seems to be invested in identifying the Jinn and removing it. So he is attune to it and his mind must be on it most of the time. You said yourself that people who have been afflicted with the Jinn are people who didn’t fall under the protection of Allah, as they probably weren’t doing what Allah instructs us to do. So, why would your husband get involved with those type of people? I ask simply because if he’s involved with witchcraft or whatever it is associated with the Jinn, isn’t he in harms way?

    Why not let the people turn to Allah and get themselves right DIRECTLY with Allah, by doing what they need to do. I just think it would be best, if a person not engage in such activity for their own safety. A person could think they are doing good, but at the same time are actually ruining their soul. Those ares just some of my thoughts on the matter. I believe when in doubt, do with out. It’s still dibbling and dabbling in something that is questionable.

  • anabellah

    November 18, 2014

    @Marie,

    I just sent you two emails. The mail is crazy, so, Insha Allah, make sure you see two of them that I just sent.

    @Arica,

    I was in a state of shock when I first read your email to Maire. Then I saw you was joking and I burst out laughing.

    @Ina,

    I’m glad to hear from you. I was thinking about you, and was going to give you a little more time before asking on the blog whether you were out there and still with us. You sound to be A okay from the brief message. I know you were happy to see your hubs; weren’t you?

  • Marie

    November 18, 2014

    Oh dear, that didn’t go well. I guess I’ll go back to my creepy green triangle. Lesson learned…. be happy with what you got, it can get worse lol.

  • Arica

    November 18, 2014

    Maire,

    Oh that is so much better!! LOL…i think your avatar is a jinn!

  • Ina

    November 18, 2014

    @Marie,
    LOL, your avatar is so funny under the circumstances. Made me laugh out loud…am still laughing now!

    I will write more later about how things are going with me now that hubby is back.

  • anabellah

    November 18, 2014

    Oh, NO, Marie, it’s far worse!!! LOL

  • Marie

    November 18, 2014

    Ana, now you’ve posted the ayat I don’t think there’s anything more to say. May Allah protect us from blasphemy.

    I just sent you an email (not about this subject)
    Iv changed my email, let’s see if it works

  • anabellah

    November 18, 2014

    Marie,

    I think emails determine what the avatars are. Yours does look weird. It looks a little like a mustache. I thought there was a way to change them. There is a site, but I think, as Fatima said, one may need to have a blog to get one. I’m not sure.

    There is an easy way to upload a pic to ones gmail account, maybe other accounts as well, and every time one sends an email, the pic is on it. Just don’t use your real pic, LOL. Sentinel235 who wrote here has his real pic that showed up in an email. He’s way handsome.

    It’s okay that you said some of the same things to Co Wives club. I’ve done the same in the past. I write before I read some of the comments.

  • anabellah

    November 18, 2014

    Marie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I think your father-in-law gave you excellent advice when you first became Muslim. I’m with you that jinns are a non-issue. All we need to know is that Jinn exist, Satan exists. Satan is an avowed enemy to us, and magic exists and is real. Allah will protect believers from all of it. It makes no sense to focus on Jinns. Our focus should be on Allah. If we focus on Jinn, we’re not remembering Allah and we don’t fall under Allah’s protection. I understand Jinns have a community out there amongst us. The Jinns (smokeless beings) live out there amongst us. Some are good and some are bad, just like with man. Well, it’s all fine and good. Insha Allah they’re enjoying themselves, as I don’t give a hoot about them. It’s how I feel.

    The ayah you referred to about evil and discord between husband and wife is as follows:

    “They followed what the evil ones gave out (falsely) against the power of Solomon: the blasphemers Were, not Solomon, but the evil ones, teaching men Magic, and such things as came down at babylon to the angels Harut and Marut. But neither of these taught anyone (Such things) without saying: “We are only for trial; so do not blaspheme.” They learned from them the means to sow discord between man and wife. But they could not thus harm anyone except by Allah’s permission. And they learned what harmed them, not what profited them. And they knew that the buyers of (magic) would have no share in the happiness of the Hereafter. And vile was the price for which they did sell their souls, if they but knew!” Quran: Surah 2, ayah 102

  • Marie

    November 18, 2014

    Oops, I went back to read the rest of the comments and realised I had the same thoughts as Gail and Ana, sorry for repeating co-wife club.

    Ana, my avatar is creeping me out….its staring at me when I scroll through the comments it’s got a weird ‘I may kill you’ smile lol. if I change my email does it change the avatar?

  • Marie

    November 18, 2014

    Co wives club. Just for the record there maybe some sort of possession that takes place in some people and what you might call a exorcism can take place. But I can’t remember what info i got from ‘Sheikh google’ (what I call taking fiqh from a Google search) and what iv actually learned from quran and learned people. I hope my post didn’t come across in a horrible way, I sometimes don’t have a filter, as Gail says lol

  • Marie

    November 18, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All.

    Thought I’d chime in on the jinns thing.
    When I first became Muslim I read a lot about the jinns, I would talk to my husband and father in law about it (my fil has been Muslim since age 13) he, my father in law would remain quite, then one day he became frustrated and told me straight that I am wasting my time in reading into such things, all I an doing is busying myself with uselessness, that I should spend that time reading quran, learning my prayers ect as Allah protects us from those sort of things. I took heed and left it alone, what he said made complete sense.

    @cowifeclub. I thought about what you said with regards to your husband, the jinn women and the fact that you read hadith. As far as I know the quran mentions one particular type of magic and that is the type that cause’s discourse between man and wife, given that your husband has divorced 3women due to jinns on/in/with them, I’d put it out there that HE is dealing with some type of whispers and magic (not your husband doing it, but an outsider) it seems strange that he keeps divorcing them instead of taking time to make sure she/they are praying together fasting dhikr ect.
    I think Ana is 100% right that as long as we are acting right with regards to our deen the jinns are a none issue. Yes we should be aware of them as satan is are enemy we should know what they TRY to do and how they TRY to do it.

    There are also a few hadith that state they (jinns) try to make man and wife divorce

    Well those are my thoughts on it.

    Gail, same as Ana, your posts crack me up. I think there should be a book called ‘gails one liners’. the other day I told my hubz “I don’t give a hill of beans” it was something you said way back, I was laughing for about 2 mins, he didn’t get why I found it so funny. Lol

  • Cowives Club

    November 18, 2014

    ok ladies as you say each to their own

    just to clear this up my husband has no special powers at all nothing can happen without the permission of Allah the only thing he does is reads quran over ppl and with Allahs permission alone can it work or not

    yes i have been married to this man a very long time and i know enough about my deen to make my oqn mind up their are times we dont agree on certain things in the deen and this is allowed as he deen isnt made hard for us

    as i said one of the ex co’s he was starting to fall for and she had some good qualities i would never say that my hubby is perfect believe me he isnt but none of us are

    i have seen ppl afflicted with jinn on front of my eyes i have seen how they react when quran is read upon them i dont need my hubby to tell me about this as their is way too much proof out their to show us … i do agree that not everything should be blamed on magic and such but it is real and what it can do goes beyond the imagination ….. for a husband to divorce and wife or a wife to divorce her husband and is afflicted with jinn can only work with the permission of Allah ..as you said the ppl are not upon the deen and doing something wrong … the jinn have no power over ppl unless those ppl are doing things in their life that allows him like not praying and such

    Anyway it looks like we will all have to agree to disagree ..as i said i have seen this with my own two eyes

  • Spirited

    November 18, 2014

    Salaam all,

    The way people deal with black magic and jinns gets weird (in my opinion) but I usually leave it as “to each their own” about it. You all probably remember my mom is hardcore believer that my dad is actually a jinn right? Lol. Never a dull moment when she’s not locked herself away in her room, that’s for sure.

    @Ana, lol you’ve never been there so I guess you aren’t aware, but motorcycles are the most common, most affordable, and quite honestly the most efficient way of getting around in Pakistan. I suppose Gail means her mother-in-law might have taken a fall riding on the back of one (though some women drive cars [majority of cars are manuals there] you would neeeeeever find a woman driving a motorcycle — not really safe for a woman alone, too easy to get pulled right off, besides the traffic being nuts enough to give you a heart attack)

    Oh for a bit of fun information, go to YouTube & do a search for “traffic in Pakistan” you will be entertained and horrified all at once! lol seriously, there’s some good vids to give you an idea of the insanity.

    @Gail, your mother-in-law sure doesn’t seem to be enjoying her trip. I hope she wasn’t hurt badly and her health gets better soon. Still, it’s a good time of the year to be visiting over there. The spring/summers are insane with the heat and hourly power outages 🙁

  • anabellah

    November 18, 2014

    Gail,

    I had to move my last comment over here. I get confused sometimes. I just go to the last link under “recent comments” and begin typing and it’s the wrong one. I thank Allah I can move comments.

    Cowives Club, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I was thinking the same thing about your husband as Gail, but I didn’t have enough nerve to come out and say it. I thought too that if your husband had three divorces and the women requested them all there has to be a reason and it has to be connected to something they found wrong in him. Maybe they were very normal and he was abnormal. Women don’t readily run up out of marriages that easily. I know you’ve been married to him for a very long time and you love him very much. There may, however, come a day, as Gail said, that he will wake up thinking you’ve got a Jinn in you and he couldn’t see it because you’re older. I wouldn’t sleep on him.

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2014

    Gail,

    Isn’t your mother-in-law kind of a bit oooolder to be on a motorbike? I’m sorry to hear of her accident. Talking about tooth aches, I’ve spoke, to a few people lately who have had them ouch!

    About the Jinn and the black magic stuff – first, let me tell you – your post made me laugh, a big ole belly laugh, which some of your posts cause me to do. I think people do more harm then good thinking about such things as Jinn. No one has power to do anything to us unless Allah allows it. Allah tells us that He protects the believers. If anyone is inflicted, afflicted or infected with it, it means the person hasn’t been remembering Allah or worshiping Him correctly. If a person remembers Allah, Allah won’t put that stuff on them. How do anyone have time to entertain any thoughts of a Jinn and who would want to? Do you think I’m going to waste my valuable, precious time thinking about a smokeless being that I can’t see floating around out here?

    Some people are obsessed with black magic and witch craft. Allah says fear Him and Him alone.He said seek His Protection. I’m not afraid of any Jinn or witch craft or voodoo, hookus pokus stuff.

    A person emailed me years ago once because of the position I take about Hadiths. She said her husband wanted to work some hokus pokus over me to relieve me of the Jinn cuz I won’t ascribe partners to Allah. I won’t equate the Hadith with the Quran and make them equal – shirk. uh, uh, okay WHATEVER!

  • Gail

    November 17, 2014

    Ana,
    I myself don’t know what else to say on the topic I other than I guess to each their own.I don’t want to run anyone off because of their personal belief system.My mother inlaw is big into black magic and Jin’s meaning she talks about people having black magic on them etc…Drives me crazy!!!anyone does something wrong she starts screaming black magic or Jin.lol
    Speaking of my MIL she fell off a motorbike yesterday and busted herself up pretty good,She is aching all over.I don’t think she is enjoying herself in Pakistan very much this season.She has been fighting a a tooth infection for months and now falling off the motorbike lord what next hahaha

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2014

    Gail,

    It’s complicated to a degree. Cowives Club an I have different views on the matter, which is okay.

    Allah in the Quran says there are angel, Jinns, and men. Satan is a Jinn that Allah created. Allah created Jinns from smokeless fire. Allah has given Satan powers to whisper to people with his seductive voice in an effort to get people to disobey Allah. Satan has no other power to doing anything else other than whisper to us. Satan in his whispers lies to us and makes us promises to get us to do evil and disobey Allah.

    There are Jinns that live on this planet that we cannot see. Some are good and some are bad/evil. Some Jinns will enter Paradise and some Jinn will enter the Hellfire, the same as man (mankind). It’s pretty much what the Jinn is about according to what I’ve read in the Quran.

    Allah created witchcraft, malignant witchcraft, and secret arts, as well, that people indulge in. Allah in the Quran tells us to seek refuge in Him from those things. Allah protects believers from those evils that He has created.

    There are people who dibble and dabble in things that they shouldn’t and Allah speaks of it in the Quran with regard to the zodiacal signs. I think the fortune tellers get their info. from the zodiacal signs somehow. I can’t really tell you much about it, as I don’t mess around with any of it. I simple seek Allah’s protection from it the way He tells me to. I offer my salat (prayers), pray for Allah protection and leave it at that.

    From what I can gather from cowives club, her husband believes Jinns live in people and inflict them with evil or something to that effect. Her husband supposedly has special powers to spot these jinns and rid people of them. He married three women on separate occasions while married to umm and later discovered the women all had Jinn in them. He’s now looking for a jinnless wife.

    cowives club, please correct me, if I got any of it incorrect.

    Gail, the Jinn living inside a person is NOT supported in the Quran. umm said there is a lot on it in Hadiths. I wouldn’t know. So, umm and I have agreed to disagree on the matter, so we won’t become confrontational here.

    I don’t care about any Jinn, as I believe Allah protects me from evil when I remember Him.

  • Gail

    November 17, 2014

    Ana & Cowives Club,
    What in the world r u 2 gals talking about Jins?Are those suppose to be evil spirits or negative energies?My husbands aunt claimed when my her son wanted to divorce my sister inlaw that he had black magic done on him.I got so angry and flat told my husband and inlaws Oh so u actually believe that he has not authority over his own mental intellectual self to not divorce your sister who he has been married to less than 6 months.My mother inlaw really believed he had black magic done on him needless to say I blew up and flat told them ok then I will start acting all a fool and blame it on a black magic.
    Cowives Club I am sorry but it seems like your husband is fixed on black magic and Jins and somehow he has lured u into his madness.I am going to be frank here I don’t blame the other wives for wanting a divorce he sounds like he has some mental issues that he finds fault in people.I would ask for a divorce given that type of husband.
    I don’t want to come across as rude because thats not what this is about but dang what about looking for the good in people and trying to uplift a person instead of pointing fingers.You better watch out because someday he may be pointing his finger at u and claiming u have a Jin inside you.
    I have a personal theory one time shame on you two times shame on me meaning.OK one time u can forgive the person they got divorced and it could have been the other persons fault but 2 times or more divorced u have to start to take a good hard look and one has to start to see reality that something is wrong with a person that keeps getting married and divorced.Leave the Jins out of it “IT IS NOT NORMAL”.
    Now granted I don’t know much about black magic and even less about these Jins but what I do know your husband should not be having so many divorces and u thinking it is normal because it is not normal.
    If anyone has a Jin it clearly seems to me it is your Husband.
    I am sorry to be so forward in my post but u seem in denial about husband and your life and u believing your husband that Allah has given him some kind of power to recognize Jins.Seems way out there strange to me.
    I would rather think people have problems they need to work through and not blame every other person for having a Jin inside of them.It’s called being accountable.
    Hope u think about what I said.I am sure there are evil things in this world but no way do I believe your husband and u have encountered 3 wives have a Jin.

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2014

    Cowives Club,

    I’ll go with you on the agree to disagree on it. No need to post any Hadiths. I believe the info. came from someplace, but not Quran.

  • Cowives Club

    November 17, 2014

    in quran 2:275 it says about the shyatans touch

    i do think that this is something that we will have to agree to disagree as you yourself said that you follow the quran and i myself do follow the quran and the sunnah and their is plenty of hadith that prove it but even if i posted i dont think you would accept it and i respect that

    oh no sis he would never do something like that astagfir allah this is complete shirk … he doesnt go out looking for this but allah has brought it to his attention and alhamdu lilah with the power of the quran he has been able to help

    he never believe that he will find the perfect woman as you said their is no such thing and even with that he knows that some things are just women and how we are

  • Cowives Club

    November 17, 2014

    i have also wondered why is it that any woman he talks with is afflicted with jinn i do believe that it’s from Allah and their placed their for him to help so since the last marriage which is a year ago he has spoken to a few and they had and alhamdu lilah he has helped them without marrying them i also use to think was something around him that drew these women their knowing that it wouldnt last ..Allahu alum

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2014

    Cowives Club,

    I’m glad I didn’t offend you by questioning you about it. It interesting, BUT is there anything in the Holy Quran to supports such a belief. I’ve never read anything about it. I know Allah tells us to seek refuge in Him from Satan the accursed and from those who practice secret arts – from malignant witch craft. Allah will protect us from all of it, if we seek His protection. He created it.

    I’ve never noted or read anything in the Quran about it and He said He left nothing out the Quran that we need. He never mention anything about Jinns or anything for that matter living inside of us. Satan whispers to us. Satan has a seductive voice. It’s all he speaks of in terms of a jinn. Satan is a Jinn. Somethings not adding up.

    I’ve had some real kooky dreams and some nightmares, as well. I don’t know what it’s all about. Allah knows best. I don’t attribute it to anything but dreams and nightmares Allah gave me. Perhaps they have meaning, but I’m not privy to the meanings. At least I haven’t been.

    Could it be your husband is dipping and dabbing in secret arts and witchcraft, voodoo stuff? Maybe he shouldn’t be focused on such things.

    If he thinks he will find an absolutely perfect sin free person out there for a wife, he’s sadly mistaken. Anything that he sees that he believea is wrong in a person, he could attribute it to a jinn living inside someone. People have imperfections and Satan messes with us. He messes with some more than other. What’s your husband’s obsession with the Jinns. Maybe he needs to leave that alone…

  • Cowives Club

    November 17, 2014

    Wa Alikum asalam sis

    first of all i dont get offended at your questioning i welcome it ….

    as for me helping my hubs well to be honest he never asked me to help but i did say to him that if i came across a sister i would show him and it’s up to him … i thought that his way wasnt getting him anywhere so at least let me try lol

    yes ana he was married three time the first was only 2 weeks and they didnt live together or even consummate the marriage she had a jinn the second he has a feeling byt the way she spoke about certain things like maybe when he would ask how she slept she would say bad and they would get into a discussion and find out about her dreaming about certain thing like snakes bug black dogs which are a sign of jinn and magic … the last one he did ruqya on her before he married her as she told him about her history and he wanted to make sure she was clear ..but after they married and he collected her to bring her here she starting acting in a certain way which made him think

    i know you said that maybe their is something their to tell if these ppl are afflicted but the thing about jinn is they can make themselves so small and hide in certain parts of the body and not show them selves even when ruqya is done it can take time for them to react

    even since those marriages he has spoken to a few women and came across the same problems but started to realise something before big talks would happen ..he has started to ask question straight off but in a way as to not offend these women

    even this sister now he will take his time to get to know her and see if their is anything their

    jinn themselves are like ppl you have stupid ones clever ones viscous ones and the older they are the hard to find as they become experience in hiding themselves and can resist in a way you wouldnt believe and sometimes it isnt just on in the body it can be many

    if i thought that my husband was one of these men who like you describe that marry and then divorce i wouldnt be in this and i would tell him i want no part of it …i hate to admit this but the second woman he married i felt that he really liked her even to the point of falling for her and he didnt want to divorce her he tried his best to stay but she insisted on a divorced and even caused some major problem that just recently finished alhamdu lilah but each of these woman asked for divorce and even with that he had to make sure it was them asking for it and not the jinn

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to All,

    I removed the last post, and will break it down into three parts. I think it covered a lot of territory and was too long for one post.

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2014

    anisa umm imram, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Insha Allah, all will go well with you and your new blog. I’m glad you’re still with us, and haven’t abandoned us 🙂

    About you helping your hubs find a wife – Big sigh LOL You’re at a place I can’t see myself being. It’s one thing, if my husband were to come home and let me know he is interested in marrying another or will marry another. I, however, don’t know how I’d react if he were to ask me to go through the selection process with him. The way I feel now, I think it would be a – NO. I’d go with what Allah decides – my husband look or my husband looked and found. If he looks or looks and find – all well and good. I’m not feeling any participation on my part to help him get one
    I’m not saying at all that there is anything wrong with it, only that it’s not for me, as far as I can see, which is not far. I don’t think it’s required.

    anisa, I had been thinking about you. If I remember your story correctly, your husband already, throughout the years, had a few other wives, but divorced them all because they supposedly had “Jinn” in them or on them or something to that effect. I don’t know much about “Jinns” and how they work. I only know that Allah says he will fill Hell with Jinn and men. I know there are evil Jinns and good Jinns and that Allah created them from smokeless fire. I think, if I remember correctly off the top of my head, that Allah tells us to pray for believing Jinn and men. I know for a fact, He tell us to pray for Believers.

    My question to you is how your husband knows that his previous wives were affected by Jinns? How can he distinguish a “Jinn” infected person from one who is not or a person who simply Satan is messing with, which is all of us to some degree or another? If your husband takes “Jinn” off people or out of people or however it works, shouldn’t he be able to recognize a “Jinn” infected person before he marries the person? It just seems peculiar to me that he married three “Jinn” effected persons.

    It leads one to wonder when it comes to men taking on other wives – they enter these women – divorce them and move on to try out more. I’m not saying it’s what your husband does, but it makes one wonder. I’m aware, from what I’ve been told that it’s happening in one of the Islamic communities not very far from where I live. Men marry like they dated when we were in Jahilyilah (days of ignorance) – when we were non-Muslim. They marry these women, find something wrong with them or see something they dislike, they divorce them and move onto their next prey.

    I was simply wondering and thought I should simply ask you. I don’t mean to offend you in any way.

  • Cowives Club

    November 17, 2014

    Aslamu alikum

    this is anisa umm imran … i changed my name and decided to answer and write with this one … i even deleted my blog and started a new one

    I have been so busy lately and even has talks with a sister about maybe being my co wife but it didnt work and now alhamdu lilah i and my hubby are chatting with another sister so far it seem to be going good but it’s in ALlahs hands and i will wait and see … the difference this time around is that she wants to build a relationship with me first before everything else which is good for me and even if it doesnt work out she still want to know me so we will wait and see In Shaa Allah

    I hope all of you are well and in good spirits

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2014

    Helen,

    What you mentioned sounds similar to what we’ve discussed on the older version of polygamy 411 about “Head Wife” or “Wife-in Charge. I think every wife in a polygamous marriage wants to have an edge, whether it is by being perceived as “Head Wife” or by having a Marriage License/Certificate and the other(s) wife doesn’t or by being the favorite wife or by being the youngest wife or by being the more educated wife or by being the most beautiful wife or by being the wealthier wife or by being the cousin wife (blood ties) or in your case, by being the “boss wife.”

    If a Muslim man and woman knows our purpose in life/why Allah created us, none of the above would matter. It’s all superficial. It’s all worldly concerns. We think by having an edge over the other wife makes us feel better, but it doesn’t. We play mind games with ourselves and it only hurts us. None of it helps us get accepted into Jannah/Paradise.

    The most loved person by Allah is the one who is the most righteous. Allah says the most honored person is the one who is the most righteous person.We should strive for righteousness. We are allowed to compete for righteousness. We should be as in a race for righteousness. It’s the reality. Allah is the Realitity.

    Life is not about being our husband’s most loved, favorite wife or any other identifier. We get it twisted. We need to get on the straight and narrow before it’s too late…

  • Helen

    November 16, 2014

    Hi,
    Previously I told my husband that I won’t go to his business premise ever again (I felt like someone else belongs there rather than me). So one day, my husband brought me there (she served me coffee as usual) and explained that I will always be the boss’s wife and he wants me to portray to everybody that I belong there. He said show to everyone “who is the boss”. The woman will continue to work there but the advantage is that people won’t mess around because boss’s another wife is there to handle his business. He said he needs to focus on business and teach her Islam till she grows as a muslimah. I felt better. Lol.

    Whats up with this Pakistani issue? In my country, Bangladesh men marry locals to get PR.

  • anabellah

    November 15, 2014

    Everyone,

    If what you’re writing about has a bit of a Pakistani ring or flavor to it, then you may want to write it on the Marry a Pakistani Man Beware thread. People who read over there would get a good feel as to what some have experienced and feel in dealing with some of the people, the culture and the morality or lack of.

    On the older blog there was so much discussion about it that we had a Part 1 and a Part 2. The subject is HOT!

  • anabellah

    November 15, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All!

    How is everybody??? Seems there is a lack of spirit these days. The posts seem humdrum, and are arriving in drips and drabs You all have to get some pep in your step.

    @Spirited, pepped things up a bit, just by bringing her name with her “Spirited”

    It’s good to hear from you here, little Sis. I thank you very much for imputing. We needed to hear more from a Pakistani young lady born and raised in the U.S. It’s good to here your perspective on the Pakistani matter at hand.

    I appreciate much your suggestion that some posts on this thread belong on the Pakistani thread. Insha Allah, when I finish writing this, I will quickly go through the posts and move some of them to where they belong.

  • anabellah

    November 14, 2014

    Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I made the clarification because you said we should say Allah’s name out loud, as Satan does not know what is going on in our heads. It leads one to believe that one must say Allah’s name out loud, as it is the only way Satan can hear us; Satan can’t hear us when we say Allah’s name silently. It gives the impression that when we say Allah’s name out loud, our words causes Satan to flee when he hears them. It is Allah who removes Satan because we remembered Him Allah. I made the clarification so we know we aren’t the doers, Allah is.

    Thank you for clarifying what you actually meant.

  • Marie

    November 14, 2014

    one more thing. If I was in a room with people who are saying things I don’t like, firstly I would try to correct them and then leave the conversation. the disbelievers (man and jinn) do not like to be reminded of their lord, they do not like to hear the Quran. so to remind/recite/repeat anything of Quran is displeasing to them, they will leave as they do not like what is being said.

    in one particular area-where I live, the adhan (call to prayer) Is played loudly over megaphones. the disbelievers HATE it, they signed partitions to have it stopped, people (disbelievers) wanted to move out of the area. it is still played outloud and consequently the Muslims outnumber the non Muslims in that area.

    and before you say I think I have the power to remove jinn or man from me, I don’t the quran has that power (by the will of Allah) that’s why I prefer to recite/remind/repeat outloud.

  • Marie

    November 14, 2014

    Ana, wa alaykum as salaam

    what I actually said was to remember Allah (this can be done in your head and/or heart) and REPEAT HIS NAMES outloud. Allahs names are in the quran, which makes them part of the quran. when we recite we should do so in a slow and melodious VOICE.

    I hold as much importance to one letter in the quran as I do to an entire surah. Allah does not give everybody the gift of a voice so those who have it should use it. I intend to use all my gifts from Allah in a way that will give me good deeds. Allah could take away my voice at any time, so while I have it, I will use it and encourage others to use their gifts for good. Yes it is permissible and rewardable to repeat/recite Allahs names silently and if Allah wills, will have the same effect. There is that which is permissible and that which is BETTER.

  • anabellah

    November 13, 2014

    This is a little off topic, but I’ll mention it anyhow. It somewhat is in line with what I mentioned about seeking refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed. If we think we have to seek refuge by making a statement outloud it’s as though we think we can make Satan disappear, which we don’t have the power to do. Allah does it.

    Some people think by saying the words “Insha Allah” (if it pleases Allah) about something we wish to have happen in the future, that it will happen. “Insha Allah” are not magical words. It won’t ensure something will happen. We simply make our intent. Whatever Allah had already decided will happen. Although we want something or make our intent, we concede that only what Allah wants to happen will happen. We have no magical powers.

  • anabellah

    November 13, 2014

    @Marie,

    You recently said something that has had me thinking of it ever since you said it. You stated that when Satan whispers to us we need to seek refuge in Allah from Satan and seek it OUT LOUD, as Satan isn’t in our minds and doesn’t know our thoughts.

    I think we could seek refuge in Allah from Satan out loud OR silently to get the same results. It doesn’t matter which way we do it.

    Allah remembers those who remember Him. He said when a thought from Satan assails our minds we should seek refuge in Him from Satan the accursed. He said when Satan whispers to us we should seek refuge in Him.

    Allah will take Satan away from us and protect us from Satan. Allah has the power and the might to do it. There is no power or might except in Allah. Allah hears, sees and knows all things.

    When a person seeks refuge in Allah from Satan, it’s not us who takes Satan away and makes him flee. Allah does it. So, we don’t have to say anything out loud.

  • Gail

    November 12, 2014

    Helen,
    In my case my husbands first wife was his cousin and it was an arranged marriage.I really don’t know what my husband felt for his first wife to be honest.He says he never loved her but I don’t know if that is entirely the truth and to be honest I don’t give it any thought anymore simply because it is wasted energy.My excowife has not been in our lives for 3 yrs now.The first 2 yrs it was very difficult for me and I wanted to bring her back but she was acting up to much demanding hubby divorce me and well it went from bad to worse.
    My husband and I have been married 11 yrs and he was married to her for 3 years before I entered the picture.After we married anytime we were not in Pakistan she lived in the village with her parents.
    As far as he has told me he never loved her and he only kept her as long as he did because she was his cousin and it would have been a family feud had he got rid on her up front.
    I am happy u r feeling better.I really liked Ana’s advice to u about helping her with her child and getting the child educated.
    Helen I am raising my excowifes two children so I think one child is not a problem for u to help your cowife and give her advices etc… if u have a inclination to do so.I think both u ladies really could end up being a blessing to each other.
    Listen one more thing Stop feeling like your husband is going to give all his affections to her it don’t really work that way in most cases to be frank.
    My excowife is 12 yrs younger than me and she used to cry all the time that hubby loved me but not her etc… at first I felt bad for her and would just try to console her but one day she was crying and saying the same thing like a broken record and I stopped her and said HEYYY!! U know what u need to stop it.SOOOOO what if he doesn’t love u Even I accept he doesn’t love u fine but the children and I love u and we r a family and that is what counts and as far as hubby loving you well u must give him time and he will come around.Well needless to say it went in one ear and out the other because she was hell bent on getting hubby and I divorced but I said my peace with her and I meant it.I bet now she wishes she would have listened to me or maybe not who knows I don’t really dwell on it anymore to be honest.I want to live my life in positive ways.I love G.D and I want to honor him in everything I do and sitting around feeling sorry for myself about why our Polygamous didn’t work out is a huge waste of energy in my opinion.
    Helen here is something that might surprise u.I was very much against Polygamy when my hubby first told me but since I went through it I have totally changed and have embraced polygamy and although it seems my life will not be polygamous as my husband insist he is against polygamy(we have switched places)lol I see a real value in Polygamy.I am totally in love with Polygamy and the good far outweighs the bad and that is the honest truth.If u play your cards right Helen and trust on Allah/G.D your cowife might just turn out to be a blessing in disguise and a huge asset to your life.Not just your husbands life but u and your kids life as well.
    You seem like a very fair and loving lady just trust on Allah and u will be more than fine.

  • anabellah

    November 12, 2014

    @Fiction, Hello

    I’m so happy you are back with us. I had been thinking of you. You always asked such good questions to get us thinking. It’s nice to have someone as inquisitive as you with an interest in learning, and is willing to share with us from a fresh, new perspective.

    I know you helped Ina a lot, as well. I’m sure she’ll be happy you are back with us again, as I am 🙂

  • Fiction

    November 12, 2014

    Hello Everyone!

    @ Helen..

    Dear just wanted to say what you are going through in terms of your feelings, emotions and mood swings right now are very common and completely normal, I really want you to know, understand and accept this.

    There’s a book about which few Ladies discussed, they have read it along with their husbands, it describes about the phases that first wives goes through like insecurity, self hatred, self- doubt etc.

    The book is- ‘FROM MONOGAMY TO POLYGYNY- A WAY THROUGH”.

    As right now what you are feeling mainly is insecurity, I request you to read this book but also make your husband read at least the phases part or you mention it to him because it would enable him in understanding what you are going through and that’s normal and also he might get a clear understanding of how to help you with your feelings.

    Also please don’t stop sharing your feelings with your husband, it would only make you resent him for not understanding your feelings without him being told by you whereas he might become clueless on how to help you and might even conclude there’s nothing he can do to make you happy.

    Lots of Love

  • anabellah

    November 12, 2014

    Helen,

    Your avatar – it’s not a good look LOL We’ve got to do something about it.

    @The person who sent me a post. Please check your email. Thank you 🙂

  • anabellah

    November 12, 2014

    Helen,

    You are very worried about losing your husband’s love. It’s every woman’s worry when her husband marries another. There is nothing you could do to secure your husband’s love. Allah controls the heart.

    I will say, if you chase after your husband, if you sweat him about loving you more than her and if you have a need for him to love you more than her, you will probably just push him away. No man needs or wants a needy woman (arguing about polygamy every other day is not a nice look). He likes a woman who needs him in the sense that he could help her, but not one that drains him and is his ball and chain. The love your husband has for the other girl will not diminish the love that he has for you.

    If you focus your attention on your husband and not on Allah, Allah may turn your husband away from you, as you are being disobedient to Him/Allah. Allah could turn your husband’s attention to you, when you turn to Allah and put Allah first. It’s all in Allah’s power and control. The truth lies in the opposite. Be a wife who your husband chases, not the one he runs from.

    You’re going to be okay. All of this is new to you. It’s takes time and you have to go through it. There is no way not to go through it once you’re in it. There is a way to get through it with as little pain as possible, Insha Allah. We’re here to help as best we can.

  • anabellah

    November 12, 2014

    Helen,

    My thoughts are the girl did take the Shahadah (oath to be Muslim) and she does work for your husband and your and his business. It’s a good opportunity for the three of you and the children to come together as a family. You are more knowledgeable than she is. You could offer to help her to learn more about Islam, by allowing her to see Islam in you – see you offering your 5 daily prayers, reading the Quran, fasting, being kind to others, being charitable etc. You said her child doesn’t go to school. Perhaps you could take the initiative to help get the child in school. She doesn’t know what she’s doing as much as you do. It’s where you help her. You could help her with her child or children to come. As Gail stated, she sounds to be a good person (a good egg). See her as being a life partner in the marriage to your husband and in your life. You seem to be blessed to have a decent person in your life as a possible co. It’s a rare find.

    If we are good people, and want good for others who are good and don’t try to hurt us, good will come our way. Islam is about being selfLESS and charitable. It’s about helping one another and doing justice to one another.

  • Helen

    November 12, 2014

    Wow,thank you annabellah and Gail for the advice. I do feel better.

    Using her..maybe. The scenario is like this. Remember the movie “The Bounty” where young Mel Gibson marries a native girl?Its something like that. We are in a place where we started a business and cant expand unless we are local. So my husband decided to pick this native girl as his second wife to register his companies. The reason she is chosen as I mentioned before: not very smart, no education background, poor family support. My husband even specified to me, even if he left her it wont effect her at all because she can easily fall for another man.

    I believe when my husband convinced me that he doesnt love her (yet). I cant deny maybe there is some degree of affection (she is young though not very attractive looking). Otherwise he wont be too honest to me because he tells almost every conversation that he had with her (can be too painful to bear). I understands when my husband said he wont have kids with her. She has another child with her previous partner and she never takes care of this kid. Now the kid is at schooling age but nobody bothers to send her to school(I did reminded her about it ut she ignored).

    What I worry is how his feeling towards me after the marriage. Will he be the same? Who knows he falls for this woman. Maybe he gets bored of me. Maybe he decides that “Oh,now I found my true love”.

    Now I am his top priority. What will happen later?

    The truth, I agreed for this mainly for my husband’s business. But from this marriage I want her to improve her quality of life too. I want her to learn Islam. But I want my husband back.

    Gail, your lengthy story touched me. I cant imagine going through that. Having towel with you all the time to cry. Is there any difference on how your husband treat you from another wife? Is he being fair to both of you. Sorry if Im asking.

    Btw, I have 3 kids and just delivered a cute baby girl a month ago. I guess my delivery pushed my husband to work harder, move faster and this is how polygamy issue started.

    Its nice to let it go on this blog. Because Ive keeping it inside and it hurts. Feeling better now.

  • anabellah

    November 12, 2014

    @Helen,

    I relate to all that Gail said to you about how polygamy will change you. I especially agree with her that if you approach polygamy from a negative perspective, you will be stuck and will sink, as though you are in quick sand. You’d find no way out and you’d die inside.

    You said you are happy with “the two year plan.” As Gail stated, you need to put yourself in the girls shoes. How would you feel if you learned your husband had told her, for instance, that he would only remain with you for a couple of years so you could get yourself stable and then he was out of there (would divorce you)? It’s the same way she’d feel knowing her husband is using her for 2 years and then would divorce her. It’s no kind of life. It’s not nice.

    He said he would not have a child with her. You’re okay with it? Insha Allah, she will be his wife and she has a right to a child, if she wants one or more and if Allah gives her one or more. It is not your right to input in it, as it is between her and him. He would be very selfish to deprive her of a child.

    All in all, both of you sound to simply be using her; although I don’t think your husband is being honest with you. You said she text you and said your husband loves her, won’t let go and you need to accept her as a co. Most likely it is the truth. Was she kind in saying it? I think she wanted to hurt you, which she did. Your husband knows you’re going through an awful lot of pain and you are suffering. It sounds he is trying to spare you any more hurt, if he can, by telling you what he thinks would comfort you. He’s only making matters worse,by minimizing his relationship with her.

    Helen, you need to stop being so negative. Don’t be hard on yourself, as Gail stated. Saying derogatory things about yourself and putting yourself down will not make things better. It will only make matters far worse. None of what is going on is your fault or theirs. It’s life – a life that Allah has mapped out for the three of you. When you want to say something bad about yourself, STOP, and say something good. You are not unstable, so stop telling yourself that you are. You’re the same as any other woman who is married to her husband and learns he will marry another. You will go through inevitable changes. You can make it through this, and come out the winner and be very happy the same as every woman who learn to accept Allah’s will and truly accept and embrace polygamy with enthusiasm when she finds herself in it.

    I don’t mean to hurt your feelings. I believe in being truthful; although truth sometimes hurt. It help in healing. It help in getting where one needs to go.

  • Gail

    November 12, 2014

    Helen,
    My husband is Pakistani and I am American and believe me here in USA and Pakistan Polygamy is Taboo.Even with Pakistan being an Islamic Country it really is not accepted.
    Helen just take a deep breath OK. I will tell u how I coped with accepting Polygamy and being depressed about it when I first started and maybe this coping tool can help u as well.
    I was so depressed and crying all the time that I could not function and became an issue in my everyday life and I had 3 small children to take care of that I honestly felt like I was in this deep black hole that I could not get out of and every dang time i thought OHHH I can climb out of this hole I would get to the top and my husband would be there only to let go off the rope or kick me back in the hole.I felt this way for years and I was in a serious serious depression.
    How I got over it was this.I went at my own pace took me less than 2 months but what I did is I set aside a certain amount of time that I would allow myself to dwell on my sadness and depression.I actually started out at 12 hours focused on my grief.I would literally tell myself ok it is 8 am and at 8 pm I am FORCING myself to put my depression and grief aside and I made myself do it.After about a week I said ok I am going to go to 10 hours a day grieving after another week i dropped to 8 hours a day grieving.After just a few weeks I was down to 4 to 6 hours grieving.I think I stayed on 4 hours awhile maybe a few weeks until my brain told me ok it is time to keep moving and I did and I kept going until the time came when a depressed thought would come in my brain and I would catch it and say NOOO I am not going to focus on this right now I will fix a short time to focus on it but not right this minute.
    I would set a few minutes time to focus on whatever issue it was for a few minutes when hubby was not around so he would not see my change in attitude and feed off my negativity understand?
    Within just a couple of months I had my life back and I was in control and was feeling great and it was all because I made the choice to control my mind and not let my mind control me understand?
    You will still get upset with your cowife at times and your husband but u must learn to not focus on your negative energy.It is a strange thing when we r going through polygamy it is almost like being depressed is comforting in some weird way.I know for me it felt kinda good to feel depressed and have a pity party for myself everyday and cry to myself about all the wrongs that have been inflicted on me sounds strange but maybe u can relate to what I am saying.
    When I tell u I was so emotionally depressed I really mean it.
    I had to carry a towel with me around the house and I would cry and scream in the towel without making a sound just so my children would not see my face.I was in that much emotional turmoil.My older son who was 6 at the time asked me what was wrong why i am carrying a towel everywhere.I had to tell him my allergies were acting up really bad.It was the lowest point in my life to be frank.
    Helen my husband was already married in Pakistan to his cousin and he when I met him him he told me he was divorced which was a lie he was not divorced at the time.He ended up doing a paper divorce in Pakistan and divorced his first wife but did not give her oral talaq and kept her in Pakistan.He did all this behind my back because I he had told me he was divorced.I was from USA and I had no reason not to believe him because I did not know about Polygamy or men using woman for immigration to other countries.My husband flat used me for Immigration to USA and he flat told his Pakistani/cousin wife he was doing it all for her to better her future(does that sound familiar with u).
    When the truth came out I wanted to kill him and her to be Frank.I wanted them both to suffer.I hated them for what they did to me and I can not stress that enough.
    My husband lied to me for 8 yrs and to make matters worse in those 8 yrs I helped him to immigrate his 2 children to USA and both of his parents and I married his brother with an American woman and I birthed him another son.So yeah when the truth came out I went straight into a depression and I hated his entire family because everyone knew and kept the lie.
    My husband even went as far as to tell his first wife that I would divorce him after I found out the truth.Oh believe me when I say I had Hatred I really mean it.
    My husband not only lied to me about him not giving his first wife talaq he also hid a child that she was pregnant with at the time of our marriage.When I married my husband him and his first wife had a 1 yr old son and she was 8 months pregnant.My husband led me to believe his first wife had remarried and that baby was her second husbands child which was a straight up lie.She had never remarried and the child was his.
    I figured out the truth 4 yrs into the marriage about the child and they came clean about the child but they did not come clean about him keeping her as wife until 8 yrs into our marriage.
    Believe me when I say u r not alone.

  • Gail

    November 12, 2014

    Helen,
    It also sounds like to me u are Shia Muslims and doing a Muta marriage.
    My husband is Syed Shia and I am going to be very frank with u right now and tell u I do not agree with Muta marriages simply because it is a nothing more than using the woman.Your husband is saying he can’t promise u only 2 yrs simply because he knows she might get pregnant I assume or it could be any number of reasons.Also I don’t like the way your husband is claiming he is sacrificing to marry this woman.What exactly is he sacrificing Helen?He is expanding his business and he is getting another woman to enjoy sexual relations with and who will love and care for him.
    U claimed the girl is not so smart I think u said in the previous post but to be frank if u r going along with this Mutah program I don’t consider that a genius idea simply because it seems very disrespectful to me to use another person esp a cowife for your own personal gain without any caring in your heart about her outcome.I am not saying u don’t care about her outcome but it comes across that way when u say u hope she wil be ok after the divorce.I am thinking Oh like really What if hubby keeps her and gives u the boot and she was to say that about u.How would that make u feel.My guess is u would call her every vulgar name u could think of because u would think Oh yeah if u cared then stand up for me don’t accept this injustice against me etc…Thats how I would feel.
    I am not Muslim so my thinking is some different than others here on the blog and u can get advices from us but in the end u will have to do what u are lead to do by your own mind.
    What I meant about Polygamy changing u and u will never be the same is this… Before Polygamy a woman is jealous of her husband and acts as if she owns him and he is an extension of her and her focus is 100% on her husband.When Polygamy comes into the picture a woman will normally fight it inside herself.U will have a war inside yourself.You are on a journey to replace your negative energy with productive POSITIVE energy is kinda the best way I can describe it.I feel more alive and aware and intelligent than I ever did before.In all honestly I feel like my mind was opened.
    I am going to lay it on the line.In your case Helen you have agreed to help your husband with this marriage under the idea it is going to be a 2 yr marriage deal soooo u have set your mind up already by saying to yourself ok Helen u can do this it is only going to be 2 yrs and I am going to get to move back home and hubby is sacrificing himself to marry this woman etc…. Now here is the kicker Helen that all sounds great in theory but believe me in your Post it came across loud and clear to me that u think this other woman is beneath you and that is perfectlyyy normal when starting out on your Polygamy Journey.It is like a coping mechanism of fooling yourself or numbing yourself to what is fixing to take place.I don’t know if every women psychs themself out at first BUT I know I did and it seems u r doing the same thing.
    One example of what I mean is you said she makes my coffee just the way I like it like she is a great employee or servant.Which may be true and that is a nice quality to have if your cowife can make u coffee and be good to u as u r fixing to find out in your Journey.
    BUTTTT in saying that I doubt u r going to be singing her praises when she is servicing your husband in the bed if u get my drift.Will u still be saying she makes a good cup of mojo then lol? or are u going to go out of your mind with jealousy and anger,rage etc….. My thinking is and correct me if I am wrong here but this will be the first time in your marriage u will have to share your husband sexually and to top it all off right now it doesn’t bother u that she is helping him grow his business and she is obviously his right arm when it comes to the business.NOW what if in the next 2 yrs he actually enjoys her company and he finds that he can’t live without his right arm etc… where is that going to put u in this equation?
    These are all things that Allah/G.D is going to make u have to get real with and in touch with your feelings and learn to control them which is an amazing thing although I am not going to lie as u r going through this process u will sure get a glimps of hell and misery to be frank.I can’t explain it any better than u r getting your soul purified and will become a more caring person.That is the part that becomes life changing and u will know without a doubt after u go through this process u r changed.U will feel stronger and more free than u have ever felt before if u accept Allah/G.D will for your life.Now in saying that if u fight it and beat yourself up saying Oh I curse the day I helped my husband marry that witch etc… then u will find yourself stuck in the situation like u r stuck in quicksand and can’t free yourself of it and your anger,jealousy feelings will just stay or get worse.Normally though I think most woman are good by heart and they learn to accept their cowife in their lives but make no mistake this journey is not about your cowife or your husband it is about YOU and you becoming the person that Allah/G.D has intended for u to be.That is the best I can describe it at the moment.
    It goes really deep which it seems u r fixing to find out.
    I want to encourage u to see your intended cowife as someones Daughter,niece,Mother.She has a family that loves and cherishes her the same as u do.I think to be honest u should be very very grateful u are getting such an amazing woman for a cowife.Honestly she sounds like she has the potential to be an amazing cowife.
    Also let me ask u because this is also entirely possible that at the end of the 2 yrs u find yourself also loving her and accepting her 100%.It is entirely possible it sounds like in your case.Hope this helps.
    I think it is great u have come to the blog and u will get alot of different opinions and ideas to help u along the way.
    I want to say DO NOTTTT beat yourself up and feel like u r a horrible person u are completely NORMAL and your feelings are completely normal so chin up.

  • Gail

    November 12, 2014

    Ana,
    OH man I thought her name was Africa until I read your post.Oops sorry Arica for the typo.I hope u r doing much better today and decided not to kill your husband.hahahah

  • Helen

    November 12, 2014

    Thank you again for your replies

    I am actually quite happy with the 2 years plan. But from what I can see Allah blesses her more than me from the start. She came from poor nasty background, got a job with my husband who provides accomodation, transport (as other workers too), found Islam, and the best now has my husband’s attention to take as his wife. Me, on the other side had been unstable for the whole year. Earlier this year she kept texting me telling me that husband loves her and wont let go..and I must accept her a my co-wife. I went into some degree of depression and helped myself into a therapy by writing. Now my book is awaiting to be published. Haha! See how unstable and how unkind I am. So I can imagine in 2 years, my husband won’t divorce her. Though my husband has specified to her that they are never going to have any kids..who knows right!

    Today, my husband and I had a fight regarding this polygamy issue (it happens every other day). I can foresee that in the future, when I become unstable he would leave me and go to her house. Who would he chose: unstable wife vs. capable worker a.k.a good wife. Right?

    My husband never lies. He kept reminding me that he only loves me and things are not going to change between us. But I dont know what to believe now.

    I need help and counseling from all of you to prepare myself for this. My country doesn’t provide counseling and polygamy is a taboo. That’s the reason we are keeping this from everybody. I need to know what to expect, how to be strong, anything at all. I have nowhere to turn to apart from this blog. Help me (now Im sounding more desperate from previous entries).

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2014

    There are readers and commentators here who are not Muslim. I’ve come across an article about Mormon polygamy that some may like to read:

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2014

    Arica,

    As you can plainly see, you’re not the only woman in the world or on this blog who has had negative thoughts about her husband and has gone ape sh!t on him. LOL Some have actually lifted hands and objects to them. I’ve never gone that far, as my husband has warned me that if I get “froggy” on him or think to get “froggy” and do such a thing, I’d better think again. He said he’d strike me right back and I believe him LOL.

    You are definitely NOT alone in how you feel or react though. Although, that poking him in the neck thing is a scary thought. As ummof4 said it’s about us learning to control our anger, and not let anger control us.

    It’s good conversation

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2014

    Helen,

    In other words, you could be happier than you’ve ever been in life, once you’ve passed the tests that Allah has given us and we know the meaning of life. Things that seemed major problems and obstacles for you in life will seem trivial. You will feel you could handle and deal with just about anything. You’ll see life from a totally new perspective. Life has meaning and you have an ultimate goal.

    Allah promises us a lot of good in this world and the ultimate in the Hereafter. We have to go through the trials, adversity, suffering and all to get there. Do we think we will enter Jannah/Paradise without being tested like those who came before us? Well, we won’t and we can’t.

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2014

    @Helen,

    You asked Gail what she meant when she said, polygamy will change you as a person and you will never be the same. Gail could elaborate more on what she meant by it.

    I think being in a polygamous marriage could change women for the better or worse. It depends on the woman. If a woman stays in a polygamous marriage for worldly reasons (for the children, for finances, not to be lonely etc.) and she hates being in the marriage, but simply tolerates it, she won’t gain anything from it other than misery, suffering and pain. She would probably be a bitter, hateful, resentful, and ugly person.

    On the other hand, if the woman sees the polygamous marriage as a trial and that Allah decided the marriage for her, she may reap benefits. She gets to learn about herself, the way she feels and what she thinks. It’s an opportunity for her to get in touch with her base emotions that are ugly, such as jealousy, envy, hatred, rancor, selfishness, greed and pride. When she recognizes those low emotions, she can set out to cleanse her soul, which Allah does (the cleansing). Allah loves those who keep themselves clean and pure. She may learn to love on a different level – love for the sake of Allah and learn to love Allah. In learning to love Allah, she humbles herself to Him by obeying Him and surrendering to His will. When we surrender our will to Allah’s will in Islam, which Islam is all about, we no longer have a will of our own. We shall not will except as Allah wills.

    I see it as what Allah swt says. He says He will dispose of our affairs towards comfort and ease when we surrender to Him. We have to do our part and we have to Believe what He tells us in the Holy Quran. It’s not about which sock to put on first or what hand to eat with etc.

    Instead of you and your husband trying to secure a future with your company by using the girl, it would be better to focus your attention on Allah swt who is the One who provides. He says He will give the Believers hope for a commerce that would never fail. We have to be Believers for it to happen for us.

    Those are just some of my thoughts on the matter.

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2014

    @Helen,

    I was thinking the same as Ummof4 about your husband’s intent to marry the woman temporarily. It sounds to me that it’s a “Muta”/Shia/Shite marriage that he wants to embark upon with her based on what I’ve heard over the years on this blog.

    You may want to remind your husband that people should marry with the intent that it would be permanent. He should consider the woman and her feelings. She loves your husband already and I’m sure she may probably love him more once they’ve bonded in matrimony. How does he think she will feel, if there comes a time when he will end the marriage? It’s hurtful for me to think about the heartache she may endure due to it. I don’t know if he’s being heartless with regard to her or is trying to spare your feelings.You could advise your husband and encourage him to do good.

    As for you, Allah tells us to investigate. You need to determine whether she is the type of woman that you want to associate with up close and personal based on what you’re observed of her and have come to know of her. You have to consider your emam (faith). In Islam we are to use the Quran as our criterion, as our guide and to judge via It.

    Does Islam have anything to do with any of it or is it simply about this woman being in love with your husband and he has no love for her, but wants her for a business partner, so you all could prosper :unsure:

  • ummof4

    November 11, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Arica, I agree with some of the other sisters. Men process grief in a different way than women. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care. I have had 3 miscarriages over the years and still think about the children that were never born. Alhamdulillah I do have 4 healthy, sane(sometimes) adult Muslim children. As far as your anger towards your husband, we may all feel like that at times. The key is to control the anger and not let the anger control us.

    Helen, please remind your husband that marriage is supposed to be entered into with the thought of it being permanent, not temporary. A marriage may only last a short time, but should not be planned to be short. You may say that the prospective wife only became Muslim to marry your husband, and Allah knows best. Maybe Allah will bless her with true faith. In the meantime, just do the best you can to better your relationship with Allah.

    Everyone have a blessed day serving Allah in the way He has told us to serve Him.

  • Arica

    November 11, 2014

    LOL, Gail, i Get Africa a lot..I think it is spellcheck that changes my name!!
    Thank you everyone for the sincere condolances.

    I think one of my biggest problems right now is i am so not satisfied with myself. Since i married my husband and since i stopped working, I have lost a lot of myself.Before I went to TUnisia I was able to lose 40 pounds and when i was there i lost another 10. So 50 total, however, when we returned i got back into my old eating habits because they had no good food there!! LOL….so i went a little nuts on the processed convinience food they didnt have!! Unfortunatley i have gained back 10 or 15 of those pounds and cant seem to get back in to the groove of going back to they gym! ALso, I need something to do outside of the house and/or inside to keep me busy. I need to study more and learn more about my deen and definatley increase my iman. Most of it is about money! allhamdulillah my husband is making better money now. That trip to Tunisia was ridiculously expensive and all of our savings went there. Our monthly bills only total about 900 per month as we have no mortgage. Allhamdullilah. I have been dyeing clothes and scavrves lately hoping inshalllah that i can start making a little money of my own….money that this time I WILL KEEP!!! I have so many ideas, and I am hoping that something will pan out to maybe give me about 500 per month for myself. inshallah.

  • Helen

    November 11, 2014

    Thank you @annabellah and @gail
    I am not as kind as I portrayed myself in previous writing.

    Relationship with her
    She tried her best to win my heart. In fact, she knows how to make coffee just the way I like it. But I keep my distance from her. Im still polite to her as how I treat other human but in my heart only Allah knows how I wished she just vanishes from my life. Today she texted me, saying she knows that my husband doesn’t love her and she feels a bit upset. But she still hopes for the best.

    Agreement
    My husband explained to me that this marriage will be only for 2 years (but of course he cant promise). He expects to expand business within 2 years. He told me the reason he chose this woman are because of her working capability and after 2 years, its easy to leave her (she isnt that smart..sorry for being too honest). Of course I hope this will be a reality. From a woman to another, I do hope she will have secure future after the divorce (own house, car etc) and I hope she will find someone else.

    My husband and I
    Previously I kept asking for divorce or at least let me stay apart from them. Back to my hometown. He said he needs me and without me no point all the sacrifices. So he wants to stay close to me. Its tough for me.

    Gail mentioned that polygamy will change me as person. What does it mean?

  • Ruqayyah

    November 11, 2014

    @Arica, I completely understand wanting to harm your husbamd. Mine too was completely dense and a friggen idiot he barely had enough time emotions energy for me yet constantly brought up a second wife. Some men just don’t get it and all you can do is make duaa. I began to resent him until one day I went literally ape at him, threw things at him hit him screamed in his face till literally he sat there stunned saying over and ocer again how I was scaring him. I had to leave the house because I was so scared of what I might do to him. Anyways I realised the way o acted was wrong.. so I made it 100 % clesr to him he needed to be an active part of ky life or I was done. I don’t use divorce as a threat I was serious. If he was just going to take take take and not care about me then I had no need for him in my life. I got married because I wanted a husband and if that husband didn’t care to ensure I was happy and fulfilled well, there are plenty of other men. I have a life and he is welcome to be part of it but I expect him to actually care about me and not just think about how.many women he can get under his niqa. I made clear the problem was him and not polygany. Ontop of this I made sre I was an extra nice catering and kind wife (who wants to do something for someone who is treating you badly?) And make duaa for him all the time both silently and to his face… I wish o knew how to fix it but anyways j felt knowing you’re nt alone might help. It definitely builts resentment having a husband who cares more about getting another wife to the point he is blind to the problems he is bringing to his firdt marriage

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2014

    I didn’t read all the posts yet. Just approving them for now. Not only did I mess up the comment box for the blog, but I jacked up one of my cellphones, as well. I put it back to the factory setting and lost all my data 🙁

    Gail, you called Arica, Africa. You made me laugh without even trying.

    What would we do without you? {{{hugs}}}

    We know it was a Freudian slip, I mean a simple error LOL

  • Gail

    November 11, 2014

    Helen,
    Welcome to the blog happy to have u here with us I am Gail.
    U will be fine with polygamy don’t worry I can already see u r not a selfish person by heart through your writing.I think u r going to make an awesome cowife.
    As far as your husband loving your cowife or not don’t worry about that he will love her and I am sure he has some affection for her already or he would not agree to the marriage as he has to sleep with her obviously.
    I won’t lie it is going to be hard but if your cowife is a nice person and u both r already getting along enough that u can approach her then HEY that is Awesome!
    Like Ana said and u might take this a heads up if she did accept Islam just to marry your husband then yeah after marriage she might get relaxed or just leave it all together.
    Now in saying that I am not a Muslim and my husband is.I believe in Judaism and study Kabbalah.I can only speak for myself but it has never been an issue for us.Everything else has but not Religion.
    Just keep your chin up and everything should be fine.
    I will tell u this Polygamy will sure change u as a person.You will never be the same.

  • Gail

    November 10, 2014

    Africa,
    I am so sorry for your loss.What a nightmare u r going through with your hubby as well.I don’t how long u have been married but I know this marriages go through ups and downs and extreme downs alot of times.Marriage is a roller coaster and u have to hang on for dear life at times.
    Let me ask u can u not just flat tell him now look mister when u get home this weekend we going to spend family time together and leave all this sister wife nonsense unless u have someone in mind.
    Ok this might be wrong I don’t know but I know when I had enough I flat tell my husband how it is going to be and if he don’t listen to reason then I simply do nothing for him until he comes to reason.No dinner,no clean clothes etc… and I wait for him to smart off about it then I pounce on him like a dog waiting for a bone.I tell him straight if u can’t act like a husband to me then don’t expect me to act like a wife.I flat tell my husband he can KISSS IT! if u know what I mean.Yeah he whines around for several days and puts me on his ignore list but I have come to learn the ignore list is not so bad because after awhile he will want sex and come sniffing back around and then I really let him have it good and ask him if he is going to change and meet my demands.Sometimes he tries to act like he has the upper hand but I just hold out until I know he will meet my demands then when he says ok then I give in to his desires.It is pretty much just that easy.
    I am very strict nonsense type person and believe me If I want something I make it my mission to get it.
    I say meet him half way to start but u gotta get what is yours girl.
    Thats my advise sense he seems to not be listening to reason.
    Orange is not my color either and believe me there have been many a times I also wanted to slit my husbands throat.I am not even lying.
    Just make certain u r not being a pushover because it seems like u r letting him run over u when u need to be sticking your foot up his rump if u know what I mean.
    Also u need to inform your husband and tell him straight next time he mentions getting u a sister tell him GO AHEAD! Call his bluff then tell him straight to keep his trap shut until he plans on ponying up with a new wife.hahahahah My thinking is this if husbands can dish it out then they can sure take it right back.There is not shame in my game!!!!!!!!LOL

  • Mari2

    November 10, 2014

    Arica,
    I am sorry too for your loss. And like many have said here, men and women process pregnancy loss differently. A man’s process will be different from a woman’s because honestly he wasn’t the one to carry the child. Nor is he one the one to deal with the physical aspects of being pregnant or losing a child… the hormonal drop, the physical pain, and the psychological pain. Men mourn of course, but they don’t/cannot “feel” all the parts of the loss as a woman does. Men can create a life, but sadly for them they can never carry one until birth. They can’t feel the first fluttering of movement, they can’t feel the movements, hiccups, or heartbeats. Only women get to experience this. He cannot experience your loss as you do because Allah has not willed that for him. Both of you are experiencing loss but at two different levels. And that is okay.

  • Marie

    November 10, 2014

    Arica, I forgot to mention that if your husband does open up to you about his feelings and engage in a conversation about your son he may breakdown, become angry and begin blaming. He may throw things, punch things. Men do not react to pain the way we (women) do. Just be prepared. He does feel hurt and pain about your loss, but my thinking is he’s trying to be strong for you. He wants to be the rock.

  • Marie

    November 10, 2014

    Wa alaykum asalaam arica,

    I am sorry to hear of your loss. To Allah we belong, and to Allah we will return. Quran 2:156.
    I can relate on a smaller scale. I have had several miscarriages. And went through the heartbreaking moments of doctors trying and failing to find a heartbeat. Arica, I’m really feeling for you at this time (big hug)
    I hope the knowledge that sulayman will be in jannah comforts you, you have a son in jannah alhamdulilah. He won’t have to go through the trials and tests of this life , Marshallah.
    As far as your husband not wanting to talk about it and look at the pictures. It’s the way men are, after my miscarriages my husband didn’t want to speak about it, it hurt, a lot. I figured out that that’s how he (men) deal with painful situations/memories, they block it out even tho they too are feeling pain. Women however like to talk through their feelings, talk about their pain. I dont know how good the communication is between you and your husband but could you explain to him that you know that talking about your son upsets HIM, but not talking about your son upsets YOU. Maybe you could ask him if he will discuss your son with you for an amount of time so you can deal with your feelings the way you feel to. Then do the same with him and avoid talking about your son (to him) so he can deal with the feelings the way he wants to.

  • anabellah

    November 10, 2014

    Arica, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I remember you. I’m glad you’re back. I remember you had said you quit your job and was going to travel to Tunisia with your husband. I know what you mean about wanting to be able to do things, but don’t because you don’t want to, oppose to CAN’T. I love it where I live as everything is so conveniently located and there are so many things to do. I like to not have to travel far to do any of it. I can’t imagine my life any other way.

    It’s so sad about your loss. All is not lost though, I’m sure you know it. Allah could give you another baby. You have to believe He can, and ask Him to. It may happen quickly and may be long in coming, but Allah knows what is best for us. You must be patient, persevere and pray, which Allah tells us to do.

    I kind of understand that your husband doesn’t quite get what you are going through and he minimizes it. I have no children. My husband and I never wanted any. I have two sisters who both lost children. One of my nephews was 2 when he died. My niece was an infant, maybe a week old. My sisters went through a thing I couldn’t understand and still can’t. So, there are probably others here who could empathize with you or say something more helpful to you than I can.

    How you feel about your husband is frightening. I say it because many times what we say in a joking manner is really how we feel. A thought causes an action. Last thing you need is to be in prison, not jail for harming your husband. It may be a blessing that he marries another and then you really won’t have to be bothered with him much.

    Be prepared that your marriage may get better, if and when he marries another. It’s strange how that works.

    Allah is the answer. We can’t stress it enough here. Allah tests us. This is planet earth that we live on. It’s not Jannah/Paradise. Why do we expect it to be Jannah/Paradise here? Allah never said we’d get everything that we want here on this planet. He only guarantees it for those who make it to Jannah/Paradise. We see our probationary period and sojourn on this earth for something it isn’t, which is why we become so unhappy and discontented. We think we are mini Gods and want things the way we want it, how, when and where. It’s not about us. It’s about Allah who is God. We get it twisted. Allah says He tests us with each other. What does it mean?

  • anabellah

    November 10, 2014

    Helen, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome. Alhumdulliah you’re here with us. We’ll try to help you out as best we can.

    One thing working in your favor is the fact that you see how your soon to be co-wife could be an asset to your family. She already works for your husband and you both said she could be helpful in expanding the business. At least you’ve got something to agree as to him becoming polygamous.

    The biggest problem that I see is that she converted to Islam to marry your husband. You saw how her interest waned once she realized your husband wasn’t interested in marrying her. If people convert to Islam to satisfy a want or desire other than to worship Allah, they leave Islam when the need or want is no longer being satisfied. Once she marries your husband, you may find she’s not very interested in Islam, now that she has gotten what she wanted. It’s okay, as she will have to deal with Allah about it. What’s important is how you deal with her and if you do.

    You probably have the right idea. See as as a business partner married to your husband. Be kind, just and cordial to her. If you try to befriend her, you may find your faith in jeopardy. We take on the religion (way of life) of our friends or people closest to us.

    As far as the feelings that you’re experiencing and the thoughts, they are common for women who find themselves in polygamous marriages. You should feel better knowing this woman wants your husband more than he wants her. He sees her more as a business opportunity.

    I don’t think there is any reason you should doubt his love for you. Polygamy has a way of making women aware of their emotions, some not so good – selfishness, envy, jealousy, hatred, pride etc. I think it is so that we can work on ridding ourselves of negative characteristics and emotions with Allah’s help. It’s the only way it could be done.

    Satan will be all over you in an effort to make you feel badly about yourself. You have to battle with Satan. You have to battle with yourself about your feeling, and get them in check. Your husband won’t be of much help to you about your feelings and thoughts. He’s actions may or may not help.

    It’s time for you to direct your focus and place your attention on Allah, the Creator, and off of created things, your husband. It doesn’t mean you stop loving your husband or you don’t treat him kindly, lovingly and with respect. It means you put Allah before your husband – meaning- Your thoughts shouldn’t be on your husband and the girl, but should be on Allah. If you’re sitting around with thoughts in your head about the girl and your husband, then, guess what? You’re not remembering Allah. Allah should be in your thoughts – zikring or simply acknowledging everything around you that are signs of Allah, as everything you see, hear, feel, taste, touch are signs of Allah.

    Rising to the occasions and meeting the challenge head on doesn’t happen over night. Although, the quicker you get there, the less pain, anguish, anxiety, stress etc. you will feel. Not only will you find your “normal” again, but you’ll be happier and more at peace than you have ever been in your entire life. It’s doable. I can vouch for it.

    Insha Allah, we’ll be here anytime you’d like to talk about anything. Insha Allah, others may have something helpful to say to you.

  • Arica

    November 10, 2014

    Asalam Alaykim,

    It has been awhile since I have been here….had ALOT to catch up on!! New ladies and some gone! Just to put people up to speed,I am not in Polygyny, but my husband is constantly bringing this matter up within our marriage. Either as an option, but mostly as a threat!! I have been going through a lot lately, as we went to Tunisia for 2 1/2 months. I got pregnant on our layover in Turkey (22 hours where they put you up in a hotel). It was a long anxiety filled trip. It was not horrible, but it was sooooo much different than i am used to. I am a homebody, but also very independent. THere is a big difference between wanting to go somewhere and NOT BEING ABLE to go somewhere!! Everything is so inconvinient and the driving is crazy! Allhamdulillah his family was awesome. However it was too long to stay in someone elses house. Well we returned on my birthday in August, and he is constantly talking about us moving there!!! UGH!!! This makes me so much more anxious. I cannot live there!!!

    Most of this discussion was put on hold however, when on October 12th we found out we were having a boy. This was going to be his 1st son and he seemed so proud! I was just getting used to the idea when i went to my 20 week appt. and my Dr could not find a heartbeat!! My whole world came crashing down! My husband was in Minnesota (he is truckdriving). I had to take my 2 year old with me to the hospital so they could double check. Unfortunatly my little man had passed. I was heartbroken and lost. To make a long story short, my son Sulayman was stillborn on October 20th and buried on the 21st. I felt empty and depressed and my husband still does not seem to understand. I keep trying to get him to look at pictures. mostly to let him know that Yes, this baby did exist! This is why I hurt so much. I am slowly getting better, but our marriage seems to be getting worse. I have so much resentment towards him, i feel like i want to stab him in the throat everytime i see him!!! He is only home on weekends. He is home during the day, but saturday nights he leaves for volleyball, and sunday he has a halaqa. so i am still alone everynight. I am really not sure this marriage is going to last. Everyday he mentions to me about getting me “a sister” Which is his codeword for another wife. Seriously i am going to end up in jail!!! Orange is so not my color!!

  • Helen

    November 10, 2014

    Assalamualaikum
    I just discovered this blog and it’s great to have a community to support women going through polygamy. I am about to enter this world and finding help to strengthen my Iman and courage. I hope all of you can help me.
    Many months back there was a woman who converted for reason she wanted to marry my husband. She is my husband’s employee and had fell in love with him for years. Of course there was huge turmoil when I found out. But as Muslims, both of us taught her Islam. My husband brought me along to teach her: pray, recite al-Fatihah etc (which she wasn’t so happy with my presence in the beginning). Slowly she gains respect to me.

    Recently, my husband brought up the idea of marrying her for business expansion and teach her Islam (because my husband wasn’t interested to marry her, she lost interest in Islam). I agreed because if the business not expanding, we are trapped in this town and unable go back to our hometown. In fact, I went to see her to ask for marriage (I don’t know where I got the strength from).

    I am lucky that my husband loves me so much. He said for now he has no feeling to her and no way he can love her like the way he loves me (I would like to take this as the truth). Despite I agreed, I asked for hand in marriage and I reminded them to start with the documentations …I cant help to think of what went wrong with us. If I had made mistakes, Im not pretty enough, he wont love me the same way anymore with new woman in his life, jealous of another woman in his arms etc etc.

    Please advice me. Thank you

    Note: Blog entry on anxiety helped me a bit 

  • anabellah

    November 10, 2014

    Oooops, everyone, I made a boo boo,

    I accidentally updated the theme while playing around with the site while on my phone and lost the changes to the comment box that the developer made for me. I’m trying to reach him now. He’s in India so I don’t know how soon I will hear from him and when he will be able to make the changes for me again.

    Insha Allah, it won’t take very long to get it back to the way we need it. I apologize for the inconvenience this has caused. I know how frustrating and time consuming it is to scroll to the bottom of the page to see the most recent comments and to get to the comment box. Insha Allah, I’ll keep you posted. Thank you in advance for your patience!

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2014

    It’s why I think it’s so much easier on the wife who married first if the wife who will marry after her has a very quick and simple wedding and celebration. It’s hurtful for a married woman to have her husband carry on, planning a wedding with his intended for a year or more. He’s already married for goodness sake. I think only women who marry married men, and want to portray themselves to every one as being the only wife does it. It’s all fun for the wife joining the marriage until after the hullabaloo is over. Then REALITY sinks in and the sh!t begins to hit the fan. It then gets very ugly…

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2014

    Mari2,

    I’ve been telling my wali all the time about what I’ve been reading of the problems in the Muslim world. He one day recently said to me that Islam is an individual thing. It’s not collective. He said I have to stop looking at everyone else and what I think we should all be doing together, and focus on ME and my Islam. I have to focus on my relationship with my Lord who is Allah. He said just as Allah brought me into this world bare and alone, it will be the way I will leave it – bare and alone. All those people who I yap about from time to time with their false Islam will not be there with me on the Day of Judgment. I will stand before my Lord alone. I won’t care anything about anyone else, nor will they care anything about me.

    I’m on my own. It’s about my belief and me doing righteous deeds. It’s about me repenting for the sins that I commit and my intention to not repeat them. It’s about me persevering, being patient and praying.

    Mari2, you’re on the right track about Islam. You’ve got your head on straight and know what time it is. You have to disassociate yourself with your husband, his family and the cultural rules and ways they live by. No one wants Islam. No one wants the truth that is the Quran. They want culture. The want to live the way they did before the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received the revelation. They’ve invented books to support their position so they can override the Quran and put their take on Islam to suit their desires.

    So, you know the Truth. I know the Truth. NOW, we have to go with it and live it. WE CAN BE AMONGST THE DEAD, BUT WE DON’T HAVE TO BE OF THE DEAD!

  • Mari2

    November 7, 2014

    Thanks Fatima!

  • ~Fatima~

    November 7, 2014

    Mari2
    Heres lots of hugz you
    I too was the hidden one.. noone in my husbands family knew about me except his brother and brothers wife… he says cousins family knows about me but I really have doubt but who knows..
    It hurts abd its not a good feeling. I never will ever meet my husbands mother..Its like your just left out.. but here in USA, everyone knows I am his wife.. They think I am his only wife.. were a couple as everyone sees, but in the other side of the world.. its different.. sometimes I would feel that he didnt love me enough to tell his family.. hey I already have a wife, I dont want another one..
    Ive adjusted and so will you.. give it time… hugz to you…

  • Mari2

    November 7, 2014

    @Ana,
    Thank you for your concern. Do I actually think I am convincing myself that I am okay when I am not? Sure. Absolutely. I AM okay with Islam and the will of Allah. I am okay with being #2, then #1, the possibly #2 again. I am okay with polygamy as stated in the Quran. I love Islam, no doubt in my heart about that at all. But I know that I struggle with his culture, “mommy rules” bullsh*t, and my semi-secret status as a wife that has absolutely nothing to do with Islam, or my lack of deen, but M’s lack of courage. What I do know is that our marriage was done within the parameters of Islam. I think my entire dream sequence was about me trying to be an Islamic wife while he hides me away to please relatives abroad who know naught of Islam but only culture. I wasn’t the one about to die. He was.

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2014

    @Mari2,

    Not that you asked, but I can’t begin to help you interpret your dream. I’m always having dreams and reoccurring ones, mostly about my biological family. How I would love to know what my dreams mean.

    I’m concerned about you. I think sometimes people convince themselves that they are doing okay when they actually aren’t. Do you think it could be what’s happening with you? It’s okay to say we’re not okay. I totally understand how you’d feel slighted not having the importance placed on you and your marriage that the cousin will have. It’s just that the problem is larger than you. You’re dealing with a country and its culture. It’s not even Islam. It’s another world. I can’t say what I’d do, if I had to deal with it. No one knows until one is in it. I do feel for you, but I don’t know how to reach you. We’re here for you, if you just want to talk and if I could think of anything that I think will be helpful to you, I will mention it. {{{hugs}}} XXOOXXOO

  • Mari2

    November 7, 2014

    Suddenly, I have no desire to be the wife of M. I know he loves me, but not enough to admit my existence the majority of the people in his family who know nothing of me and will see cousin girl as his only wife. So I suppose that I do exist somewhere in the center of stones and weeds. The hidden one.

  • Mari2

    November 7, 2014

    Coco, I pray your eye heals soon.

    I had the oddest dream last night. For me dreams are usually a mixture of things that happen during the day and something I might read in the news etc. Occasionally I have re occurring dreams that I have had since childhood….big waves, or tigers chasing me throughout rooms. Most of the time I just have weird mixed up dreams, and like many people I can remember a dream upon waking only to forget what it was about minutes later.

    The dream last night was different and it disturbs me. It disturbs me because my thoughts in my dream are not what I think while awake. But now, I wonder if the feelings I felt in the dream, might be a bit as to how I really feel deep down somewhere (figuratively).

    As is typical, when I awoke this morning I couldn’t quite grasp what I dreamed about. I just knew it took place in Pakistan, and there were many people I didn’t know in the dream. Then this afternoon while doing a mundane task, the dream came back to me vividly. It was a flash in my mind, but the entire dream unfolded. And ever since then I keep thinking about it and what I am telling myself in the dream.

    The dream: I am in Pakistan in a large, L shaped, two story cement home. There are hundreds of people gathered for M’s marriage to his cousin. I am trying to tell someone to let M know I have arrived, plus I am trying to find a place to sleep but all the beds in the rooms are taken. Then his sisters take me to a room and lock me inside. I am hungry but they bring no food. I keep opening small doors only to find sideways or upside down stair cases. I keep trying to figure a way to get out of the room. I’m not angry or panicked, I just want to let M know I arrived. I’m annoyed by his sisters locking me in. Marriage party is going on as I try to find a way out.

    Suddenly, a man comes and says “I will show you to the courtyard.” The man leads me to the courtyard of the L building. As I walk out of the building, I notice cracks growing in the walls. The man leads me to a courtyard which is full of tall, sharp stones and high weeds. He instructs me to climb over stones into the middle and hide myself. Then he says “The building will collapse soon and all inside will die. Stay here and watch.” I am hiding amid the stones, looking at the long part of L building where the wedding festivities are happening. The doors on the veranda are open. I could walk inside. I say, “I have to tell M. I am here.” The man says, “too late for that. He is in the room with her. They will all die soon” (indicating the building).

    Here is the part that disturbs me: I am outside with knowledge that the building will collapse on M and his family and I am at peace with that. In fact, knowing that the collapse is imminent I want to watch, and a great calm comes over me. I have no desire to go in there or warn anyone. I want to watch the building come down on all of them, and knowing the building will crush them all fills me with a great sense of relief. Not joy, not happiness, but a calmness and sense of freedom/relief. The man who warns/leads me out returns to the building. And I wake before the walls come tumbling down. All day this dream has been following me.

  • alison

    November 7, 2014

    Hey coco sorry about your eyes and please keep off the ipad 🙂 even though it is hard but do try

  • Gail

    November 6, 2014

    Coco,
    Sorry u have an eye infection I just hate infections period.Hope u get well soon.

  • anabellah

    November 6, 2014

    Oooops, I just realized I got it backwards. coco has the eye problem now. Laila had it previously. Sorry for the mix up. coco, Insha Allah, your eye will heal quickly.

    Happy Day, All!

  • anabellah

    November 6, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everybody,

    Insha Allah, everyone is having a lovely day or night, whichever it is on the part of the planet you’re on. It’s a beautiful rainy day where I am. I loooove the rain.

    @coco,

    I like what you said about the rain. It’s so true.

    @Laila,

    I pray your eye gets better soon.

    @everyone,

    I’m feeling it’s time for a siesta. The rain is making me sleepy. I’ve got to get some sleep zzzzzs

  • Laila

    November 6, 2014

    Dear Coco. Get well soon. I had an infection in my left eye just recently and it was so uncomfortable. Rest well.

  • coco

    November 6, 2014

    Assalmualeikum and a hello to all you beautiful ladies! 🙂
    I’ve been a bit MIA as I’m having a very bad eye infection so trying to steer clear from my phone and iPad for a few days. Nonetheless did a quick read cuz it’s so so hard not to lol Ina sister this time too shall pass try to keep yourself busy with the kids and reading the Quran, it will give you solace. That wretched woman’s bad energy will take over and consume her soon, the very same misery your feeling right now will come back to her I promise! A BIG hug to you! Ana I would have never thought your including me in context of such women who come in second displaying selfishness and inconsiderance, no worries! Everyone try to keep positive as it can’t rain all the time the sun ALWAYS comes out! 🙂 😀
    Much love to you all! xo

  • ~Fatima~

    November 5, 2014

    Ina..
    Ive been reading your posts about the messages your getting and I agree with Gail… Dont respond to any of them anymore..No response is the best response.. Dont read them.. Delete them..
    Whoever this is , is making you look like the trouble maker and perhaps trying to break up their marriage.. by you telling your husband all these messages, he will start thinking its YOU that stirring up trouble..
    I know it may be hard.. but plz try to ignore any future messages and get involved with something that will occupy yourself.. keep busy..
    If you give no response, whoever is sending the messages will get frustrated and finally stop..
    This is just my opinion, so I hope I didnt upset you..

  • Marie

    November 5, 2014

    aslamu alaykum all,

    @Ina, first of all I would like to say how well you are handling this, your doing much better than I did. I know the feeling of being fine with your husband gone and not wanting to talk to him, incase the conversation “rocks the boat”. Anas right, your husband probably wont listen to a word you say about his new wife or at least he wont tell you that he is aware of her character. I had told my husband on many occasions that “other” will be on her best behavior until you marry her, which now he’s come to realize. he hasn’t exactly said I was right but when we spoke about whether he would like another wife he said ONLY if I talk to her first, he knows I wont fall for the “I just want a husband” ” I want to increase my deen” blah blah blah. there’s a few other situations where he’s let on that she hasn’t changed in anyway since they was last an item. although she acted like she had. unlike in your situation “other” doesn’t directly bother me, harass me or contact me. once I had told hubz that in NO CERCUMSTANCES does he tell her (his other wife) that I am upset, angry, in pain or anything else. I said if she EVER asks how I am, then you say im fine, im happy. no way was I going to let her find happiness in my misery. she believes she would have to do something drastic to upset me.

    now, im still a ‘baby’ when I comes to long term polygamy and haven’t dealt with a co who is crazy towards me, but here’s what I would do. if she/the boy contacts you again, and you feel the need to reply speak as if you really think its ‘the boy’ not not your co. show happiness in your writing, do not reply with any comebacks to her nasty words, if you do that she will know she bothering you. act as if everything is fine and that you don’t care that your husband has married again, say it was very kind to show concern about what your husbands been up to, and that he (the boy/cowife) shouldn’t expose someone like that. kill her with kindness. trust me, when someone wants to upset you and all you do shrug it off, it annoys them to the max. think of it like this, when satan whispers to you and you entertain the whispers and become sad and upset and argue with your husband, maybe lose patience with the kids, he (satan) becomes happy, but when you remember Allah and repeat His names (outloud) and appear happy, he (satan) knows he’s losing. satan doesn’t know what’s going on in your head and neither does your co. only Allah knows what and how you feel unless you make it obvious to others. this is one of the reasons why I love this blog so much, none of my family know that my husband has remarried, I haven’t told them and I don’t show them any sadness to make them think that im upset, I don’t even show my husband anymore and I will certainly not show ‘other’. but I can let it out on here and talk about my feelings. my guess Ina, is that after sometime your husband will be crying in you lap over the woman he married. one more thing about him calling you ‘old auntie’ to appease her, I nagged my husband for weeks to appease me, make me feel better ect, but nothing he said made me feel better. in fact he said something similar to your hubz, (this was over a year ago) he said im the young, pretty sexy one. all I heard was, “I need a woman who’s more mature, your great but I want something more than looks and youth” that wasn’t what he meant but that’s how I took it. it made me insecure. even tho I was the one who asked for the ‘compliments’. by her NEEDING to know what your husband likes about her, proves her insecurity’s, she needs validation and your husband may give it to her for a time, but he will soon get tired of that and she will be left on her own feeling like a piece of sh@t, his words wont do anything for her, she will have a “faith” shaped hole in her heart that nothing will fill except belief and knowledge of Allah. I know iv been there.
    sorry I rambled on a bit.

  • Gail

    November 5, 2014

    Ana,
    I read the article u posted and I also find it unbelievable that some nitwit has the mentality to stand up and say Oh all the girls r converted to Islam.Now I am not knocking Islam but this Dude is completely off his rocker if he thinks he can make anyone convert to anything.Obviously with what those traumatized girls have been through they will just go along with the program but their hearts and minds are on their families and staying alive which has nothing to do with any conversions.
    I will tell u this the girls families must be poor because I can’t imagine otherwise their fathers and brothers and uncles not banning together and having it out with those thugs to be frank.
    I mean really how much intelligence does it take to walk into a school and kidnap a bunch of girls.This is nothing more than ethnic cleansing and it should not be tolerated.The President of Nigeria(I believe it is)should be very ashamed of himself to allow this crap to go on.
    The world leaders are no better than these brutes in my opinion when they have the power to stop it and don’t.It sure makes one wonder if leaders are part of the overhaul problem.It is just morally disgusting when we live in a world that has no regard for human lives.
    I pray the next generation is better than this one.

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2014

    @Gail,

    After a while and after years of dealing with crazy, all one can do is laugh. I think it’s a defense mechanism to keep from going crazy One can go through years of nonsense and then one day, wake up, and asked why did I take myself through all those changes? There were life lessons in it all. It could not have been any other way.

    It’s important is to know that there are people on this planet who are in a far worse condition than we could ever perceive we’d be. I mean, we’ve got it GOOD!!! I thank Allah much for the life that I have today.

    I was just reading the following article today. On top of what I’ve been reading about in the Middle East, I’m dumbfounded by what’s happening on this planet. People are inhuman…

  • Gail

    November 5, 2014

    Ana,
    I think u r right about Ina situation although I have this feeling that unless her cowife changes or her husband changes this is a recipe for disaster unless Ina will completely separate herself from those two and their insanity which is really hard I know.The insanity is like a moth being lured to a flame I totally get it and boy is it ever hard to fight the feeling of not wanting to join in on the insanity and show the cowife u have the upper hand or make her eat her words etc…I just hope Ina fights it and concentrates on her kids.
    I know I was distraught for years and I was a very slow learner lord knows.Even right now my husband is chatting online to the inlaws an I want to punch him right in the face for chatting with them.He does not tell me anything about what is going on there and Honestly part of me doesn’t care but then the other part of me feels like WTF DUDE clue me in to what u r talking about.Obviously it has to do with cowife and her insane family.lol
    Thanks G.D now I can laugh at those NUT jobs

  • Laila

    November 4, 2014

    Dear Ana, no worries. All is good. I understand from where you are coming from.

  • anabellah

    November 4, 2014

    I don’t think Ina has as much to worry about as she thinks. She just has to take it easy and stop letting the girl control her life, with the help and permission of Allah. Right now the girl is all Ina probably is thinking of. Once her husband get acclimated to the new life he has, he may become agitated with the child (young adult), and want to escape to the home where he could find peace, quiet and sanity. We already know the girl likes to play games. She may find her husband’s sole purpose for her will be sex. The real real, deep, meaningful relationship he’ll have with Ina, if Ina plays her cards right. Nothing aggravates a man more than a brainless person who play games all the time. Ina would have to make her home inviting, and have her husband want to come home to her otherwise, his life is going to be an earthly Hell. Those are my thoughts about it.

  • Gail

    November 4, 2014

    Ina,
    I would 100% leave it alone at this point.If and when she pulls anything else then u bring it back up in the future but if u step forward right now u r going to be a labeled as the troublemaker not her understand.I am 99.9% sure even if your suspicions were correct I doubt anyone would side with u since they just got married.
    All of this is info to be filed away and used for another time in the future if she keeps disturbing u.
    I get the feeling part of u wants to fight with her but Ina no good will come from it I promise u.U must fight this feeling right now and lay low.
    I have a feeling there is going to come a time is the near future u r going to have to stand up but now today is not that time.
    Ina listen I doubt there is a wife out there that at one point in time did not want to grab her cowife by the head of the hair and punch her right in the face! I know I personally have had that feeling ALOTTT! lol
    ORRR u want to have what I call B!TCH FEST with your cowife just to let of anger and steam.It seems like it would make things better but in the long run it doesn’t or at least with me it made me feel worse.
    It might make some people feel better I don’t know but I would advice not going there unless u r willing to suffer the long term affect from your actions by your husband and cowife.
    Listen I will tell u the this if u really want to get her back and drive her crazy just simply be silent.Do not let her get to know anything about u.The more u chat with her via computer the more little by little u are revealing your character to her understand.
    I am pretty certain u r very curious about this woman your husband has married and that is sooooo completely normal but please don’t destroy your own character in this petty tit for tat play with her.
    Ina u being older and wiser u must set a good example otherwise u will just stoop to her level.This could very well be a test for u(I think it is)People don’t realize so many times they r stooping to the other persons level when they do not need or have to do such a think.It is anger mixed with jealousy and u have to control on that emotion understand.Just pray to Allah/G.D that he will take that need to lower yourself to her level and just not give her or her actions any thought right now.Allah/G.D will guide u when and if to take action.
    Please do not think I am talking down to u.I am speaking to u from a low place I have been in my own life dealing with my own cowife and us fussing with each other.Years ago she made me so angry when she married my husband sister with her brother.I knew it was a huge disaster and I wanted to grab her by the hair and punch her face in but after praying I simply wrote her that she may have one that battle but she will not win the WAR!
    To be honest the longer that my excowife doesn’t contact me or the children the more I see she is not a good person by heart.I have her email I could contact her and B!tch her out or banter her about her children etc… but I have chosen not to stoop to her level and just live my life and raise her kids as my own.
    Just be thankful u r not having to raise your cowifes kids without any help or support from her all the while she is stabbing u in the back by talking smack about u to the neighbors.That is my life.

  • anabellah

    November 4, 2014

    It’s wishful thinking that he would be wary of her. The man is blind to any thing associated with her that is negative. He only sees what he desires. Only do what you are comfortable doing. The best thing to do is to ignore all of it, and put it behind you, if you think going to her parents would destroy your marriage. It makes no sense investigating it any further. He will not believe anything you say. He will believe her, as he wants any reason or excuse to believe her, so he could continue with the life he wants to establish with her. You just have to bite the bullet. If you think you could get him to see anything negative in her and wake up to reality – forget about it.

  • Ina

    November 4, 2014

    I think I have a way to contact her parents but it’s not a route I want to take unless I really need to. It could affect my marriage if hubby think I’ve gone a step too far. It will be me trying to ruin their marriage. If I can get proof that the person who wants to break up my marriage is co-wife then it’s better option to work with.

    I want to highlight my suspicions to hubby knowing that he may not believe me. I expect that anyway but I want to tell him so at least he is aware of the possibility and should be a little wary of her.

  • anabellah

    November 4, 2014

    wow, Ina, earlier I was thinking you need to reach out to her parents and let them know what’s going on. Then, I thought, you may not know her parents or have a way to contact them.

    If you can contact them, I’d suggest you nip the crap in the bud and let them know what has been transpiring. Put some fire under their butts. This is your life they are messing with.

  • Ina

    November 4, 2014

    @ Aisha, maybe I should not continue to have any more contact with this “boy” but if it is my co-wife, I feel like I should try to expose her somehow. Like maybe threaten to send those pics to her parents like how he/she threatened to send them to my family. Give her a taste of her medicine so to speak.

  • Ina

    November 4, 2014

    Brother dk, please accept my apologies for confusing you with maidlover.

  • anabellah

    November 4, 2014

    @Laila and Coco, As Salaamu Alaikum

    When I mentioned that some wives who marry second only show up and take, I don’t include the two of you in the group. Laila, I know you have tried to befriend your co and you have sacrificed tremendously in time and resources for many, many years, just so you wouldn’t take from she and her children. You have taken a lot of abuse from the first wife. It’s been many years now that you have been married to him and there is no change in how she views you. It’s an indication you need to dismiss her, unless she come around and approach you to make peace.

    coco, you’ve stood by while the man you love married another. You experienced a lot of heartache and pain. You nonetheless, still want the best for the two of them, and are willing to join their existing family. You have sacrificed much, as well.

    There are other wives who join existing families and think they are some type of royalty. They come on the scene and behave as though the first wives and the children need to take the backseat for them. They are delusional, and need a wake-up call, which they usually get.

  • anabellah

    November 4, 2014

    Sis Ina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I think you’ve got dk confused with “maidlover”. It’s easy to do. I was totally confused for a while there I’m like, okay, which one went to hajj?

    dk & his wife went to hajj. He would like to have another wife, but I can’t remember his story. I think his wife becomes distraught whenever he mentions taking another wife. maidlover’s wife has agreed for him to marry the maid.

    I was waiting for you to comment to dk before I put my two cents in. I think, the same as you, he didn’t understand that your husband had called you an “old auntie” not in a playful, but in a derogatory, degrading way after he got with his recently wedded wife.

    Men who become polygamous or want to be need to be more sensitive to the wives they had first, as it was those women who were their backbones and supported them to be able to be in a position where they could marry others. It was Allah’s decision, of course. It appears to me that He put good strong women in their lives who want to accept polygamy as our way of life and not TRY to stand in the way of what Allah has decided for them.

    Some subsequent wives don’t recognize the sacrifices the wives who married first made. First wives give up time with their husbands and their resources. Many subsequent wives just show up and take. They bring nothing to the table. Many of the women aren’t grateful to Allah for the favor he has bestowed upon them.

  • Ina

    November 4, 2014

    waalaikumsalam brother dk,
    I think you did not understand the situation in which he called me old auntie. My husband and I often say we are old/getting old to each other and that is ok because there is an understanding between us. It’s not ok for him to tell his fiancee and now wife not to be jealous of me because I am an old auntie. This is backbiting. Early on in the blog, you talked about how the maid you want to marry is more loving whilst your wife is not. Many of the sisters here advised you not to speak badly about your wife to try justify why you wanted to marry the maid. My husband should not have said bad things about me to make his new wife feel better.

    Anyway, I am glad that things are going more smoothly for you. It’s good you are reading this blog as I feel there are many things you can learn to you manage a polygamous marriage. It’s also good for us sisters to get a brother’s view on things.

  • anabellah

    November 4, 2014

    Ina,

    I get it that you are more content with your husband gone right now. Insha Allah, you’re going to begin to enjoy the time he’s away. Despite having the children, you’ll still be able to let loose and unwind without having the grown kid (your husband) around.

    You may think you won’t want to be around him when he comes home, but you’ll see that you’ll probably be happy when he’s there. Your mind may tell you one thing and your heart may tell you another.

    I know you are disappointed in him now because of the messed up things he’s said, but you need to recognize where it’s coming from. He’s all about the girl right now and it’s understandable. He’s just married her. Things will eventually mellow out and you’ll find your center and life will take on a new meaning for you. Hang in there.

    About him calling you or saying you are an “old auntie”, It sounds like crazy talk to me. You know you are not old and you are his wife. He may say things to appease her or say things to justify what he’s doing, but everyone involved knows the truth. You are his wife and he loves you. She’s the one who needs to come to terms with it. You’ve accepted her in his life and resigned yourself to remain in the marriage. She’s the one that better get used to the idea and accept it.

  • anabellah

    November 4, 2014

    dk, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I pray the event that you and your wife will, Insha Allah, attend in Dec. is enlightening for you and it helps you both increase your deen. After the event, please share with us whatever you think may be helpful. I’d appreciate it. 🙂

  • dk

    November 4, 2014

    Assalaam u alaikum
    Brother and sisters

    Sister mari2
    This is absolutly raight what u r saing thats what we do and alhamdulillah it is so good and learing and see how i am my self and then learn from other try to help when avar allah swt allows us to.

    Sister Ina ones no many times my wife cal me old man and old uncle i am 44 and she is 42 and we both are vary smart and i just smile at here and then it is all over alhamdulillah and when i says thungs like that she smile back too alhamdulilah.

    Inaver get when pepole r killing other pepole and the muslims killing other in the name of islam uhh there r som thing waitting for them may allah swt save us from all the bad deeds ameen .
    Islam is a religion of peace.

    Wassalaam your brother

  • anabellah

    November 4, 2014

    (I have moved this comment here, as I had it on the wrong thread. I get it twisted sometimes LOL)

    Laila, you’re doing very well at finding yourself. It’s good when our lives take a turn for the better and we can see daylight. It’s beautiful. Keep up the good work, Insha Allah.

    About Ina and that she continues to read the messages and communicate with “the boy”, it may take some time for her to stop or she may stop quickly. It’s all up to Allah. She has to turn to Allah and ask Him for guidance. Allah will determine when she will stop. It’s her personal battle with herself. I’ve been there and done that. I’m not saying that Allah won’t put me through something else to come to terms with like it or different, but it happens. It could be a test. I’m sure she wants to stop looking and listening. She may have already asked Allah to help her. It’s where patience, perseverance and prayer come in. Insha Allah, she’ll be okay. Allah has got this. Ina is not acting of her own free will and accord. Many don’t see my way of thinking and don’t believe as I believe. It’s okay.

  • Aisha

    November 4, 2014

    Sis Ina I don’t think communicating with the “boy” is a good idea,I mean u will be playing right into his hands…..his goal here is to mess u up and get u in yhe fighting ring..dont fall for it

  • anabellah

    November 4, 2014

    @Gail,

    I stand corrected; Cuba Gooding played in another good movie, which was “Jerry McGuire”. He won an Academy Award for his acting in the movie, for his well known line – “show me the money”.

    Insha Allah, I will watch the movie one night this week or the weekend. LOL. It’s funny; I said to my hubs, it makes no sense to send it back. It would cost more to send it back than it practically cost me to buy it. Furthermore, the receipt was at the bottom of the trash in the kitchen. I ask him, if he know of anyone he could give it to. He said, “Don’t no one want to see that movie.” He was comical. Gail, I have a feeling I may end up laughing and enjoying the movie after all. Insha Allah, I’ll keep you posted.

  • anabellah

    November 4, 2014

    @Mari2,

    Thank you for expounding on what dk possibly meant. I understand what you’re speaking of. It’s interesting. I’m familiar with similar type retreats that Christians go on. When I was a Christian, I used to hear of Christians going on retreats. A co-worker went on some, as well. It sounds interesting.

  • Gail

    November 4, 2014

    Ana,
    WHATTTT GIRL u 2 R CRAZYYY hahah WATCH THE MOVIEEE!!! Why u over analyze? lol

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2014

    Boy, you’ve got a lot of balls, Ina (meaning courage). It was a funny come back (get back at him). Based on what was said, I’m beginning to think the same as the others – it sounds like the girl. I’m still laughing about what you said to her. If she can dish it out, she better be able to take it.

    @Mari2,

    I’m feeling you about what you said. I think I may have misunderstood dk. I have to re-read your post when I come back and am not in a rush.

    I’ll be back later, to comment to everyone. I need a little break now.

  • Mari2

    November 3, 2014

    @dk and Ana,

    I think I understand what dk is talking about with building mosques, and travelling a long way from where they live. In the best of M’s english he describes this journey as doing “missionary”. Now to my western ear “missionary” sounds like converting others. But M’s version of “missionary” is quite different. And those who partake of missionary whether married or single, do so out of their desire to please Allah. Single men and married couples are allowed to participate, and participation is voluntary and often requires a donation by the participants for expenses.

    “Missionary” in Pakistan means that a group of men, or couples, travel great distances from their villages and families to engage in a religious retreat. Once the men and women arrive at the destination, they are separated. The men cook for themselves, do all the cleaning tasks, wash their own clothing and attend daily prayers and listen to numerous khutbas. Likewise with the women. Then the men and women are sent upon the town/village to NOT convert others, but to encourage and lightly cajole those of their own sect to follow what Allah has set forth for them. Men encourage and invite those who don’t pray on time to do so. The women encourage the women they meet to pray as well etc.

    None of “missionary” as m does is it is about conversion. It’s about encouraging their own to be better members of the ummah. This may not be what dk was talking about, but maybe it is.

  • Laila

    November 3, 2014

    Dear Ina. By your husband calling you an ‘old auntie’, I am sure it hurts a lot. I know I would if mine had done the same to me. But, you cannot always swim in the pool of anger. I’ve done that for years. I never realized how unhealthy and uptight I’ve become over the years thanx to that. Of course as a wife we feel so wronged on so many levels when our husbands behave like an old hag who carries stories about us all over. I’ve experienced it first hand and it hurts. Now he’s stopped. Thank God. I’ve gone through what you are talking about, not having any form of expectations and needs. I cannot say I am a relationship expert but when I read your post I gather that you have somehow become upset tremendously over his actions and his comments. All I can say is, find your own path. I’ve come to realize and learn that whenever I do my own activity, like right now going for baking classes, it is healthy and it’s good for our mental being. We are not in each others faces, we maintain the personal space and we do not throw words at each other. I too also maintain my ground. I tell him when he is out of line. Like really, I do. I am not rude but I am FIRM. He understands and respects that I am not going to always take his crap. So give your relationship time and space. Give yourself some major quiet time. I am home now and I am no longer working. I feel so good because in this ‘quiet’ time I am able to refocus and see what I really want at this stage of my life. I for one have realized that teaching is my passion / fuel. I intend to start teaching again but this time, in a University level. I am also finishing up my Masters and I feel good about it. I would have never discovered myself if I focus on hubbs and her. In fact I would be like her, lounging around the whole day and creating issues for others. Find yourself is all I can say. I’ve found myself and I am sort of enjoying myself in the sense I am doing things that I never thought I could be doing. Forget about that silly boy and just walk away. My co and I sued to argue like dogs via text messages and boy in fit of rage I could never lose. One day I decided that I’ve had enough of this s***. I sent her a text saying I am done communicating with you as you only bring out the beast in me. From that day onwards I just stopped. She calls me nowdays to ask about hubbs if he’s unavailable. I do not call or text. In many ways, I am done with that. You should also decide and ask yourself why are you communicating with that boy? Do you want information? Are you going in for the drama? Or are just curious to know more? These are hard questions. But questions that will certainly make you think for a bit.

    May you have great day. I pray all good things come to you Ina. Lots of hugs.

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2014

    Oh, my goodness, the movie “Norbit” arrived. My husband saw it on the table and said,”Send it back. He said, “You won’t like that movie”. It’s not your type of movie. Send it back, send it back, send it back. He said first you don’t like Cuba Gooding, Jr. or Eddie Murphy.

    I totally despise Eddie Murphy and Cuba Gooding, Jr. I HATE the two of them as actors. Eddie Murphy only played in two movies that I liked – “Coming to America” and “Trading Places”. Cuba Gooding only played in one – “Boys in the Hood.”

    coco and Gail,

    I didn’t look to see who the actors were when I ordered it. I don’t particularly care for the Waynon guy either. I bent my husband’s arm. He said he may watch it with me one year. Then after I persisted, he said he may watch it one night. He said put it in the player before he goes to sleep. It means he’ll go to sleep while watching it and leave me awake to finish it. Oh, well, we shall see what happens.

    Don’t worry. I’m not upset with you two. I’ll just send you the bill.

    Don’t worry

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2014

    Gail,

    I hear you loudly and clearly about the issues in Iraq. It’s so crazy over there. Nouri Al Maliki was the Shia/Shite Prime Minister in Iraq for 8 years, after Sadaam’s demise. All Maliki did was support and encouraged the persecution of Sunnis. He was retaliating for all the Shites/Shia that had been killed, which you mentioned. He had no concern for all the people in the country for the whole 8 years that he was in office. He did nothing to advance them and better their condition.

    So, now ISIS extremist Sunnis come along right at the time Maliki’s term is up and a new Shia/Shite government was formed and the new Prime Minister Abadi said it will be an all inclusive government. ISIS is a force to be reckoned with.

    Well, anyhow, the Sunni tribe in which all those 300 people were slaughtered called for the Iraqi government to help them and once they didn’t get any help, of course they called on the U.S. Well the U.S is already over there doing air strikes and have sent advisers. The U.S. said, well, if your own government help you, then we’ll help you as well. WELL, it’s a little late now. They just offed 300 people. 300 people just got whacked. It’s chaotic and ridiculous. Furthermore, the U.S. were the first ones there helping. The Italians, Australian, Turkish, and Canadian are in the air helping the Iraq. And the Shia/shite need to get on the good foot

  • Ina

    November 3, 2014

    I did something a little naughty today. I sent an email to the boy saying that he will get his punishment for all that he’s done. I wanted to provoke him so I told him that hubby said he thinks like a woman (this is true) so either he is a woman or a man with no balls (my conclusion). He replied saying “It’s better not to have any balls compare to watch another woman suck your own husband balls.”

    I then replied as long as I don’t have to suck anyone’s balls

    No reply yet but let’s see what he comes up with.

  • Ina

    November 3, 2014

    Thank you Ummof4. There is no inclination on my part to befriend co-wife in the foreseeable future. She and I are completely different people and have nothing in common apart from being married to the same man.

    I was feeling a little sad last night. Hubby has been away for 2 weeks and to be honest my life seems easier without him. There are no expectations, no disappointments and no see-saw of emotions. I told my SIL that if it weren’t for the kids I don’t care if I see him again or not. I was a little surprised by how much I meant it. Thinking about him makes me sad, knowing the things he’s done and what he’s said about me. It’s easier to pretend he doesn’t exist but I can’t carrying on pretending when he comes home. So in some ways I am dreading his homecoming which is still another 10 days away. I was thinking of ways I could be away from home for as long as possible when he is around. I know you will advise me to be nice to hubby when he is home but I don’t think I have forgiven him yet for calling me an old auntie.

    I don’t think I look bad for my age, no one would guess I am in my 40s. I am the size I was before I had kids and weigh around 105-110lbs (lucky asian genes). Yet hubby can’t keep his mouth shut and say whatever he needs to pls his new wife.

    I am disappointed in hubby because I expected better from him especially since he is (appears to be) very religious in his outlook. It was a shock to see a man with a beard and a girl in hijab being so sexual with each other. Girls in muslim countries grow up wearing hijab so maybe the reasons why they wear it is lost. It doesn’t have the same meaning as the revert who chose to wear it.

  • Gail

    November 3, 2014

    Ana,
    When Sadam was in power he killed a hell alot of Shia Muslims and buried them in Mass graves.I am not saying it is right not to help but where were those village Sunni’s when they were murdering so many Shia?I think it is very hard for Shia’s to stand up for Sunni’s and vice versa when they r cutting each others throats all the time.

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2014

    Well, It’s a beautiful day here where I am. Everything is status quo for me. No new developments. I doubt there will be any, as far as I can see, which is not very far.

    I want to put together a post/thread about pain as it relates to polygamy. It’s proving to be a bit challenging for me. I don’t want it to be about the usual pain causers – base emotions. Insha Allah, I’ll work on it. At least it would keep me on topic here.

    I just get so worked up about things I can’t do anything about The ISI Sunni extremist group killed over 300 Sunni’s from a Sunni Tribe in Iraq. The Shite majority government didn’t do much to help the Iraqi tribe. I guess they figured it was Sunnis’s killing Sunni’s, let them kill each other off I just have to learn to mind my own business.

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2014

    dk, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m sorry. No need to say where you are unless you want to. Here, we reveal only as much as we are comfortable with. It’s all good!!!

  • dk

    November 3, 2014

    Assalaam u alaikum Sister Ana

    i am not in switzerland but close to there

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2014

    Taking a quick look at the country of Switzerland, I’ve learned they have four national languages. None of the languages are Arabic. We know people from each country have their own language and now we see in some countries people have a few or more. Allah says if He wanted us all to be the same, he would have created us that way.

    Now, maybe some can see why I get defensive when people come to this blog and say a person needs to learn the Quran in Arabic. If Allah wanted everyone to speak Arabic He would have made us all Arabs or He would have made us speak Arabic or He would have advised us to learn Arabic. The revelation (The Quran) was revealed to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in Arabic because he was an Arab. Each Prophet of Allah received the message in his language. Many people didn’t accept the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) as he was – Arab and Arabic speaking. What would people have thought had he received the revelation in Mandarin or Italian?

    I say this because those who tell people they can’t know or learn Islam unless they can read the Quran and speak it in Arabic mislead people from the path of Allah. Not everyone on the planet will speak Arabic. Encourage people to learn the Quran in WHATEVER language they can. Allah tells us in the Holy Quran that He teaches.

    I had to get that out there again, since we’ve briefly been speaking about languages.

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to Everyone

    dk, Hallo!

    Good to hear from you, as always, my brother. I know you are probably way busy. I’m just happy when all our blog friends drop in whenever they get any free time to chat. I’m eager to hear what you have to share with us.

    The brother you spoke with who has the three wives may be the same brother who recently stopped in and said hello to us. It was nice having him here and Insha Allah, Allah will send him back to chat with us some more.

    dk, I just learned something new. “The four national languages of Switzerland are German, French, Italian and Romansh.” Wow, it’s way cool. I love knowing people from all over the planet.

    dk, it must get confusing. How do you know which one to speak Do you know all those language?

  • dk

    November 3, 2014

    Assalaam u alaikum

    sister Ana

    yes i did alhamdulillah.
    there is so many things i would like to saye to u sisters
    and maybe cant explain it in the way i would like to .but i will try inshahallah.
    not a nuf time todaye

    sister Laila it is ok but thanks.

    lv u all for the sake of allah swt

    wassalaam your brother

    uu i forgot i meet a brother hu have three wifes alhamdulillah

    to in eng and one a nother cuntry.i spoke to him a lot and it was good.
    theel u nest time.

  • ummof4

    November 3, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    dk, don’t worry about your grammar and spelling. Continue to comment when you see fit. What’s happening with your new marriage?

  • ummof4

    November 3, 2014

    As-Salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ina, I am so happy your husband called you. To me it shows that even though he has married another, you are still on his mind and in his heart. The next time he calls, please answer. If you don’t want to talk much because you are thinking about him and his new wife, just keep the conversation focused on your vacation with your 3 sons. Don’t talk about his new wife at all.
    Ina, now you are on the same page as many of us have been for a long time- “the boy” was either your husband’s new wife or a relative or friend of hers, not someone who was obsessed with her.
    Ina, I am proud of you! You are doing fine despite the turmoil that others have attempted to put you through. As others have said, I would keep your husband’s new wife at a distance. If what you have said is true, do not trust her at all at this point in your lives. Allah know the future, but she does not sound like close friend material at the present. I repeat what another has said; do not give her any personal information about you and your husband; do not reveal anything about your personality, your likes and dislikes; do not disclose any information about your marriage with your husband and what has kept it so solid and strong over the years.

    Everyone, have a good day. Allah instructs us in the Qur’aan how to give daw’ah. We just have to follow His guidelines.

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    I need to mention something that I haven’t heard anyone say that is very important. We can NOT pray unless Allah makes us pray. We can’t read Quran unless Allah lets us read it. We can’t do anything unless Allah allows it. It’s on Allah to let us do whatever we’d like to do. It means in order for us to do something we have to ask Allah. We have to call on Allah with sincerity in our heart. We have to be persistent and sincere in our desire to serve and worship Allah.

    Many times people say they will try harder. They will get better. They will do it. They may make their intent, but they failed to ask Allah. They left out the key ingredient. They didn’t ask Allah. We have no power and no might accept in Allah.

    Laila, don’t beat yourself up for not offering your prayers on time or missing them etc. Don’t give up and don’t despair. ASK ALLAH to let you offer your five daily salat prayers on time. Ask Allah to let you read Quran (even if it’s only a few ayat a day). Ask Him. We cannot rely on ourselves. We can’t do anything unless it pleases Allah.

    We need to ask Allah for everything, even the simplest things as asking Him to help us get out the bed in the morning – to do the simplest things or the most difficult things. We, however, must be cautious, as some things we ask Allah for aren’t good for us. I ask Allah not to give me anything I ask for that is not good for me. He knows and I do not.

  • Laila

    November 2, 2014

    Dear dk, I sincerely apologize from the bottom of my heart. I think in many ways I could have read your message at a time when I was in one of those bad and low moods. I think you are right. When we do not DO what’s required of us then manh problems trickle in our lives. Not entirely financial but also in terms of our attitude, actions, our well-being. Ive had my share of personal nonsense that I would like to put to a stop… Ive been lacking in my daily prayers. It started in my Turkey trip and since then even hubbs has sort of said this, “I will not tolerate you playing around with your prayers”. Once he even woke me up for early morning prayer and I said no Im not praying and I want to sleep. I ended up sitting in bed hearing him pray and I felt so peaceful. Your message is a wake up call for me and for that I feel that you have a point. I need to fix my issue. I wonder why I am slowly going away frm my prayer mat and I procrastinate. I am up now and its 3.20 am on my side. Just watched tv and it never dawned to me that I should pray. So yes. Please comment further. I for one need to be reminded.

    Dear Lynette. Ive missed you! Ive been silent due to so many things. I intend to start selling jewellery online. So Im busy getting my research done and stuff. How are you keeping?

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to Everyone,

    @Ina,

    It’s good to hear you had a nice holiday with the children and you are back home safe and sound. It was nice your husband called you; although you didn’t speak to him. Just imagine how you would have felt had he not called you at all.

    I’m curious to know who exactly sent those texts to you, but you may never know in this life. I just wonder how she’d have the time to think to play around with you at a time she should be planning a special day of her life and looking to the future, but people are all different. Perhaps, if a boy ever existed, he knew it was all over after the wedding day. What more did he have to talk about? It’s some weird stuff that you experience the last four months. You held up nicely 🙂

    I’m with Gail that you shouldn’t befriend the girl. She means you no good right about now. People don’t change overnight. Give the girl some time and space and see what transpires in the future, but don’t put yourself out there right now. Keep your distance from her. Once she gets older and settled into married life, perhaps she’ll become a better person. Until then, put her on ignore. It’ll save you a lot of time, trouble and aggravation.

    @Mari2,

    There is always a straw that breaks the camel’s back. I’m very happy for you that you got the grocery situation straightened out.

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2014

    Oh, one important thing: It’s important for Muslims to lead by example and let others see us the way they would want to be, as Laila and Lynnette stated is because non-Muslim would think we were crazy to come to them and say Islam is a good, peaceful, beautiful religion. Muslim say this to non-Muslims all the time. Yet, non-Muslim see and hear all that I mentioned – Muslims killing Muslims; Muslim blowing themselves up and taking innocent people with them; Muslim forcing non-Muslims to convert/revert or be killed; Muslim men oppressing women; Muslims that are divided into sects. Muslims who still kill babies when born because they were born female and not male. Non-Muslim probably think Muslims are on some type of drug when they speak this peaceful, beautiful religion stuff. I don’t blame them? Look at the reality they see…

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2014

    dk, Wa Alaikum As Salaamu,

    You said something very, very important. You said when we do not do what Allah says, problems come. It is true soooo true and it’s evident of the condition of Muslims worldwide. It sadens me to read daily of the Muslims who kill Muslims and it’s happening each and every day. Muslims are slaughtering huge numbers of Muslim daily on an ongoing basis for no other reason that one sect (division of Muslims) don’t like the other sect (division of Muslims). Nonetheless, we are supposed to be “ONE BROTHERHOOD”.

    Then there are Muslims killing non-Muslims because they aren’t Muslim. Muslims try to force non-Muslims to become Muslims. Clearly those people don’t know what Allah says in the Quran. He says leave people alone who don’t believe. He lets us know it’s okay. Leave everyone be. He will deal with everyone according to His will and plan. He decides who and who will not be Muslim. So, why are people trying to force Islam on others? That message isn’t getting out there to Muslims. It is why I addressed the question to you (Which Islam? I suppose I was being sarcastic and may Allah forgive me), but the question was meant for Muslims everywhere, no one in particular. What are these supposed learned men teaching when the Muslim world is in such chaos?

    I suppose it’s like Mari2 said, they are busy telling women how to shave their legs, what to wear, who to be with, and things of that nature. They are telling men how to further oppress woman and treat them as chattel. They tell men to go get four wives, without considering any other factors.

    Back to the matter at hand, dk, are there any new developments with you getting married again? I pray your wife is well and all is good with her 🙂

  • Lynnette

    November 2, 2014

    Sister Laila,

    It is good to see you here!

    You are right…people ask about what they see, often more than what they hear.

    When I consider everything about the Ummah that I have learned/seen/heard as a mere “infant” in Faith, I rely more on the examples that I’ve seen. Truth pours straight into the soul, Sister.

    Your talents are tremendous. May you be blessed beyond measure for your good deeds, and may our LORD make it easy for you to keep your intentions pure.

  • dk

    November 2, 2014

    Assalaam u alaikum

    Brother and sisters

    Inow my eng. is not good in righting but its ok alhamdilillah it works for me we dont speak eng over here at all.

    Sisters u asked me wich islam we shoud spread well its simple
    do what ALLAH swt says in the Quran and follow the sunnah.
    well when i mien about go out in the part of allah it is not that u just giv dawah for other but for u to learn for your self .
    we u go out from your homes long way from your family and freinds and
    r focus own your deen then u learn much more and u live whit other
    hu r traing to do the same.Ihave traid this many time with my wife and alone to and it has been so good to meeet and learn from other brother that how thy r working wiht there taqwah subhanallah i mien it it is really good
    I dont now wich islam u r thoking about

    i now only one thing there is only one ALLAH swt hu i belive in and
    the last messenger of ALLAH swt is mohammad sallallahu alihewasallam

    all the other things i dont believe in

    soory if i hurt some one
    with me msgs

    but the thing is when we r not doing what allh swt says then the problems coms

    wassalaam your brother

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2014

    Laila,

    I totally agree with you. Well said

    I believe people will ask when they want to know something. The last thing I want is someone from a different religion coming up to me to talk about their religion (way of life)in an effort to persuade me to join. On the same hand, why would someone else want me to invade their space by approaching them about something they didn’t ask for? Who has time for it? Allah says in the Quran – say to you your religion and to me mine. Allah did not choose everyone to be Muslim.

    @Everyone,

    Please note: I put up a new post/thread for anyone interested to read about “Sexting”. https://polygamy411.com/how-texted-sex-pics-affect-polygamous-marriages/

  • Laila

    November 2, 2014

    Dear Ana. My way of ‘indirectly’ showing my friends about Islam is through the way I carry myself. I dress modestly and modernly. I follow the trends and all but I know how to sort of modify according to my needs. I try not to show my friends that I am super religious but I help whenever I can. Thats my way of saying that as a Muslim…. whether you are of my belief or not, if I can I will help. I help friends in their translation works, thesis….. the list goes on. I do it because I feel Allah has bestowed me skills and I feel that these skills will be better sharpened by helping my friends and family.

    I try not to preach too much as I feel that Ive not come up to such a level. But there are other ways in which Ive found that due to what Ive done many have asked about Islam. I feel Islam is better understoid through our actions of compassion and generosity.

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    I think your post was just fine other than your comment to him about his spelling. Otherwise, I would not have said a thing about the post at all.

    I’m glad you elaborated on your position about spreading dawah. I hold your sentiment exactly about us setting an example. I believe it’s how we spread dawah, not by going out and preaching it, unless, of course someone is giving a kubah. All of the Prophets (PBUH) are our examples. We spread dawah by being an example. No one has to be perfect and without sin to do it, as we all sin and will continue to sin until the day we die. A Believer is one who repents and ask Allah to forgive him or her.

    There are plenty of ways we can be examples. It could be the way we carry ourselves or our dress. It could be our modest ways. People have approached me, and asked me about Islam. They recognized I am Muslim. I don’t wear burkah; I simple dress modestly. I wear jeans and regular Western style clothing. I simply wear long skirts, lose fitting everything, have a head covering on, whether it’s a scarf or hat style covering, turban style. A co-worker of mine once said, “you seem so calm and at peace; I want to be like you.” People have approached me and ask where do I go to the mosque, just by seeing me, assuming I’m Muslim. Allah chooses Muslims. If Allah wants someone to be Muslim, he doesn’t need our help in getting the person there, meaning we don’t need to go out and recruit people. People will get Islam, if Allah has chosen them for it, whether He places a Muslim in the person’s path to receive the word or some other way. The person would get it.

    I wondered why dk brought up the subject – not that there was anything wrong with it. I know someone here hit him once with – before you marry another woman have you thought about or tried to build a masjid (mosque). I didn’t say anything at the time; although I wanted to. It was all good. I shared my position on the whole building of mosque thing. People put more emphasis on buildings than they do on people and the message. People compete with one another to put up buildings, then they compete for people, then the focus on getting money to operated the building and all it’s expenses and there are no monies to help the people. Islam is not about putting up buildings. People can pray in the park or anywhere for congregational prayer. They can pray in their homes with their families for congregational prayer. There is no lack of places for Muslims to pray. Those our my two cents about it.

  • Laila

    November 2, 2014

    Dear Ana, maybe my post to dk was a bit mean. For that I apologize. But nevertheless, these are my thoughts. Before I even spread ideas of Islam to my friends I myself need to stant corrected. How can I even go on dakwah when my knowledge is so shallow? When my prayer to Allah is still not even enough? When I still sin? Im not saying that because of all this we take the easier route and that we just ignore our role towards our religion. But for me, I must set an example of myself before I try helping others out. Thats my take on things.

    Maybe my comments come at a time where its not suitable. Talking about sex I used to admire a local Ustaz here in Malaysia, and suddenly theres a sex videeo out and it involves him. Some say its not him and that its technological alterations. I do not know.

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    Just a friendly reminder to everyone to please check to see if some comments came in before yours was approved, as you may have missed a comment or two. For instance, Gail and I must have been writing at the same time, which has happened in the past, as well. I approved my comment and then I saw Gail’s. Gail probably thought hers was the last comment. Yet I had approve one frome me before I saw hers and approved it. It’s why it’s important to check thoroughly to make sure something like it didn’t occur. It’s easy to overlook comments unintentionally.

  • Gail

    November 2, 2014

    Ina,
    It sounds like u r doing pretty well considering.I also think it is the girl and she wants u to divorce your hubby.I am very curious to see how this is going to play out.Happy u r coping ok.If u don’t feel like talking to your hubby then simply don’t talk until u r ready.
    Ina I will be honest from everything u have told about your cowife I don’t trust her at all so please if she tries to befriend u don’t tell her anything personal about u or hubby.I think she would try to get info just to use against u.

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2014

    @dk, As Salaamu Alaikum!

    This post is for you and everyone reading. I think Sis Laila may have missed some comments I had written on the older blog about spelling, punctuation and typographical errors. It’s easy to have missed comments, as there were over 28,000 of them on the older polygamy 411.

    I want everyone to know and note this blog is not about spelling, punctuation, typing skills or writing abilities. It’s about expressing ourselves in whatever manner we are able to or whatever style we’d like to write. The only thing we won’t allow is abuse of one another and any hard core profanity. For some people English is a second language. Learning a second or foreign language is not easy for everyone, and not everyone wants to learn one. I know how terrible I’d be if I tried to write out a post, not just a word or two, in any language other than English. To some learning a second language comes easy. Some people know how to read and write several languages. For some, writing their own language is not an easy thing to do.

    Nonetheless, I don’t want anyone to give it a second thought about how they write. It doesn’t matter here. It’s not what is important. What we say is important. I welcome all people out there who are apprehensive about writing here, or have any fear about how they would be perceive to put those thought behind them and just write.

    I understand what dk says when he writes. I admire him for the courage he has to say the heck with everyone, I’ve got something to say and I’m going to say it. Good for you, dk Insha Allah, you will continue to write exactly as you have been writing and express yourself. It’s what we’re all about. Alhumdulliah!

  • Gail

    November 1, 2014

    Mari2,
    Good for u about the grocery list.Hopefully that will solve your problems.

  • Mari2

    November 1, 2014

    @coco,
    Yes pathan. As yes it can be agitating but I solved it by texting M “What do we need?” Then he texts back “My mom say nothing.” So then when I come home after work and there is no naan or milk or salt etc and M then tells me we need these things, I simply pull up the texts, copy and paste them to him with the question: How do YOU plan on solving this issue? So he went to the market.

    I’ve instituted a “48 hours notice” for the grocery list. If you don’t list what you may need in the next 48 hours, I will not know to purchase it. Therefore you possibly won’t get it. I also gave a list of the only 3 days I was willing to go to market which worked with my schedule of employment. I declared those to be the ONLY days I was willing to shop. Any other day? M and his mom are on their own. Problem solved. If he or his mom needs something outside my designated days, they have to do it themselves.

  • Ina

    November 1, 2014

    Assalamualaikum,
    I am now back home from holiday and hubby is officially polygamous. I haven’t had time to feel depress with 3 kids running round so I think I am coping pretty well. Also, I had a family with 6 kids stay over last night (car trouble) so things have been pretty hectic since coming back from holiday 2 days ago.

    Hubby called today but I didn’t want to take the call in case it spoiled my mood. I thought if it was important, he can call again or leave a msg.
    Whilst on holiday, I forwarded the msgs I received from the boy to hubby. Hubby said reading them made him sad so he is not going to read them anymore and ordered me to stop as well. Well the last email I received from the boy was on 29 Oct and it was basically a summary of the stuff he’s been saying to me over the past 4 months. I did not bother forwarding this msg to hubby. Their nikkah was on 31 Oct and when I did not get any more msgs it occurred to me that the boy might be hubby’s new wife. I know everyone on this blog has been telling me this but I thought it was unlikely. Before hubby went to Malaysia he did make the comment that the way this boy thinks is like how woman thinks. It’s a scary thought if HE does turn out to be SHE.

  • Laila

    November 1, 2014

    Dear dk, no offence but before you start patronizing here I strongly suggest you work on your spelling. Yes we are about husband, wife, new wife, future wife, girlfriends, beating, cheating, studies, finance, emotional well being, diet, love, hope, faith, sisterhood, sisters reaching out to brothers….. and many other facets of life. In ALL these facets of life, we inculcate ISLAM, so that it becomes a way of life, so that we as MUSLIMS do not stray from the right path and that Allah s.w.t forgives us for our sins, and accepts our repents. Nite!

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2014

    dk, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I forgot to ask; which Islam would we spread – the Salaafi Islam, the Shite/Shia Islam, the Sunni Islam, ISIS Islam, the X, Y, Z (for the ones I didn’t mention) Islam or whatever Islam we like? It’s not as though everyone on the planet has the same Islam; although there is only one Islam. I was just wondering how it works.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2014

    dk, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Brother 🙂

    Ouch, I know how it felt when you lost your post after having written it all out. I’ve been there and done that many times. I remember when it first happened to me years ago, a few times, I actually cried. I’m much better now with it, though. Alhumdulliah.

    It’s good to hear all is going well on your side of the planet with you and your family. All is good with me and mine, as well. Alhumdulliah.

    Insha Allah, it will be a nice event for you all there in Dec. It’s something nice to look forward to.

    You asked about us spreading Islam. My thoughts on it are this: The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) did that. It was his job. He was the last Messenger to come to man (mankind). By the way, if you think as I’m sure many do that we should spread Islam, what are the Scholars, Sheiks, Imams, and all those supposed learned people doing? And why is condition of Muslims so jacked up?

    No, my focus isn’t on my husband. I’m trying to take it off of him entirely, and focus all my attention on Allah swt. I’ve got a personal Jihad (battle) going on with myself. I’ve got to get myself right with my Lord, Allah who is God. I don’t know when Allah is going to seize my soul and I’ve got to get ready. I don’t think I’m near ready. I’ve got a lot of work to do on me. I’ve got to spread some Islam to MOI – ME.

    It’s always good to hear from you my brother.

  • dk

    November 1, 2014

    Assalaam u alaikum

    brother and sisters

    I rout so much and it just dissapeard hmmm
    lots of things going on her i hope we all get throu this inshahallah.
    avery thing is fine over here alhamdulillah.
    We will soon having a jammat from France her in dec. i think it is 8 brothers and there wifes to all of them r in the part of allah swt for learning and givning the dawah for islam alhamdilliah.
    Have u sisters or brothers been out in this way for spearding the islam
    or is it all about husband and wifes ishuse.
    maybe we r missing somthing the importent thing the deen.
    I once heard in a beyan that when pepole r not doing the haquq allah how can the fullfil the haquq ul ebad.
    So maybe we shoud do that.

    Wassalaam your brother

  • coco

    November 1, 2014

    Ana
    Walaikumasalaam! Happy November and another month of us 🙂
    May Allah always keep all of us blessed and content in the months to come!
    Much love xo

  • Aisha

    November 1, 2014

    Walikum salam sis Ana…I hope everyone is good today

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All,

    Welcome & Happy November!