November 2015 Discussions

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polygamy 411 November 2015 discussions

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214 Comments

  • anabellah

    December 1, 2015

    This thread is now polygamy 411 November2015 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the polygamy 411 November 2015 discussions and welcome in December 2015.

    November 2015 is now closed. Please join us at: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-december-2015-discussions/

    July 2015 discussions

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Howdie to All

    I just want to let you all know that it is snowing on the blog. Those are snowflakes. I’m bringing it to your attention so you don’t think you need to rush to the eye doctor. You’re not seeing things LOL

    ummof4, I still remember your last post about the flakes. You had me cracking up laughing. It was soooo funny.

    Anyhow, It should be snowing here till sometime in January, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to all our wonderful friends out there in cyberspace

    Just want to remind everyone that Insha Allah, we’ll have a new post/thread up for Decembers discussions after midnight.

    I’m hopeful you all are enjoying this wonderful day. It’s bright and sunny here where I am. The weather has been nice. Alhumdulliah!

  • Jasmina

    November 30, 2015

    That’s ok no problem.

    Gail
    Im glad it helped u. I know it’s so hard sometimes not knowing what to do. I have heard that when a person is completely over their marriage they don’t feel anything, no sadness or regret, they are happy and ready to move on. It sounds like u are not there so maybe just take it day by day before making a decision. In Islam we have a prayer u may know of called istikhara. i kno u are not Muslim but God is merciful to all of his creation and hears all prayers and so maybe submit your will to the creator and with sincerity ask Him to guide u towards a decision that will benefit u and your kids in the long run.

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2015

    It is said acid attacks are carried out as a result of envy and jealousy. We’ve discussed on this blog often envy and jealousy as base emotions .

    Anyone who dismisses jealousy or envy as a natural emotion that is okay, needs to think again They need to learn a thing a two from the stories in the Holy Quran that addresses jealousy and envy. Those emotions are not to be taken lightly.

    Some dismiss jealousy by saying one of the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives (Aisha) was jealous. It’s no excuse. It doesn’t make it okay. She sinned the same as all man (as in mankind). It doesn’t make it right.

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2015

    I read an interesting article about acid attacks in Columbia. I didn’t know they were prevalent in other countries besides Pakistan. I recently shared the article about it occurring in the UK, as well.
    Colombia introduces harsher sentences for acid attacks – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-latin-america-34931190

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2015

    I wrote a post that may be helpful to some

    The link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/a-child-does-not-have-two-mothers/

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2015

    The cause of most emotional unrest in a person is due to their unrealistic expectations. They have this idea that a marriage is supposed to be mystical and magical as in a fairy-tale. They think the way they felt when they fell in love for the first time is the way it should feel between a husband and wife all the time when they are in love.

    Things will occur in marriages that aren’t to the spouses liking at times. It’s things they will need to work through or accept. Spouses can be happy in a marriage despite the trials or calamities and misfortune. It’s a matter of knowing the meaning of life and how life works. It determines whether people are content and at peace in a marriage and with life itself.

  • Gail

    November 27, 2015

    Jasmina,

    I took the post u typed to heart.I am struggling with some inner issues about what I am going to do with my marriage.I am in a war between my emotions and my mental thinking.Thank u for taking the time to post it Amazing!

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2015

    Jasmina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Thank you for sharing the post that the sister wrote. It was very nice 🙂

  • asiya

    November 27, 2015

    I really like what jasmine wrote

    I thought it was really beautiful and I believe she is right with this

  • jasmina

    November 27, 2015

    sallam, I just came accross this post and thought I would share it…

    Sisters,
    You might be married to the worst man ever, like ASIYA (‘alayha salam) was married to Pharaoh – but it didn’t change her and her loyalty and love to Allah Taala.
    You might be married to the best of men, and still not be saved from Allah Taala’s punishment – like the wife of Prophet Lut (‘alaihi salam).
    You might be a mature woman assisting your man in his ‘mission’, like the praised KHADIJAH (radiallahu ‘anha) with her business empire. Yet her devotion was foremost to the Rabb of the Messenger (sallalahu ‘alayhi wassallam).
    You might not be married to any man, like MARYAM (‘alaiha salam), and Allah Taala can make your rank higher than any women on the Earth.
    You might be a lifelong student of knowledge, aspiring to follow in the footsteps of the greatest female scholar AISHA (radiallahu ‘anha), working hard for your Deen and for your Akhirah, while living your dunya in utmost simplicity.
    You might be a divorcee or a widow like UMM SALAMAH (radiallahu ‘anha) whose complete trust in Allah Taala’s Plan allowed her to overcome the agony of her husband’s death. To thereafter be rewarded with the love of the greatest man to have ever lived, Muhammad (sallallahu ‘alayhi wassallam).
    You might be a young mother striving hard with young children like FATIMAH (radiallahu ‘anha). And striving to strike that balance in being woman, wife and mother for the Sake of your Rabb to attain His Pleasure.
    Know your priorities. Know your purpose in this dunya. Love and trust is with Allah Taala first.
    Whatever your reality, the ONLY relationship in this dunya where you will NEVER have your heart broken is the relationship between you and your Rabb, Allah the Most Exalted.
    Successful truly are those relationships which bring you closer to Allah Taala. Aspire to walk hand in hand with your husband in Jannah. Everlasting, blissful, true, complete love. Aim for that. Make that your goal.

  • Aisha

    November 20, 2015

    Awww thanks for replying Ana.. Your words mean a lot. Jazakillahu Khyran xx

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2015

    Aisha,

    I’m on my way out the door, so this will be short for now. Don’t beat up on yourself. You know what you’ve done is wrong and you feel badly for having done it. You’re on the right path. Allah knows what you are going through. He is a Forgiving and Merciful God. I’m sure you have asked Him to forgive you for what you have done. He knows you don’t want to do it again. He knows you want to stop. Ask Him to make you strong enough to stop doing it. Persevere and don’t give up on yourself or on Allah. In time you will stop doing those things you know are wrong. Keep turning to Allah for Him to help you. You will be okay.

  • Aisha

    November 20, 2015

    Thanks Ana.. I’m very disappointed in myself, I’ve been going through my co’s emails from my husband.. I know it’s really wrong of me and there is no way of justifying it.. I did it once and now I keep doing it! I just like to see how his being with her and then I compare to how he is being with me and after I’ve done it I feel like crawling into a corner and crying but I know I only have myself to blame.. How can I train my heart and my mind to come to terms with it has nothing to do with me??? I know I shouldn’t care but I just can’t help it.. And i end up getting really upset after I read the emails.. Argh so annoying!!!!!

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2015

    I just reread your post. You hadn’t returned yet. Yes, I agree. The night that you got back should have been yours, unless you got back in the middle of the night and he was already laid up with her.

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2015

    Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    This is my take on it. I’m assuming your co must have been with him the night before you got back, so when you returned, it was your night. I assume you let him know in advance when you would be back. If you’re looking for your time to be made up for when you were gone, it’s a different story. Why should your time be made up when it was you who went away, not him? You lost your time. The schedule should resume as it was. Your lost days shouldn’t be made up, if you didn’t come to an agreement about it before you left.

  • Aisha

    November 19, 2015

    Asalaam’alaykum guys Im in a bit of a dilemma and I need your help.. So me and my co wife have 1 night each.. I went to my mums house for two night so tonight I will be returning home my husband seems to think it’s my co’s night as I left on my night even though she had two nights with him. Do you ladies think he is being unjust or am I just being a drama queen? I don’t want to make an issue out of nothing so pls do tell me what you think insha’Allah
    X

  • anabellah

    November 15, 2015

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s nice to hear you’re enjoying your grandchildren, especially the latest little darling. You sound so happy and I’m happy for you 🙂 Thank you for stopping in and sharing your joy with us.

  • ummof4

    November 15, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum ans hello to all,

    Just dropping in to say that my latest granddaughter was born on November 4, 2015, Alhamdulillah. It’s so wonderful to be a grandparent. You can spoil the children, tell them stories about their parents when their parents were younger, use their energy to rake leaves and fetch items for you, listen to their nonsensical songs and stories, eat pancakes and drink hot chocolate with them, listen to them recite Qur’aan; and when it’s all over, send them back home.

    May Allah for give us for our sins, major and minor, and may we be thankful for his forgiveness.

  • anabellah

    November 12, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to Everyone out there in cyberspace,

    I’ve communicated with the lovely “Wiccan Woman” and she sends her love to all who love. She said she will try to get here to visit with us as soon as she can.

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2015

    Please excuse the errors. I’m using my phone. The “me” wasn’t meant to be there.

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2015

    I think don’t wait till she throws a tissy tantrum, as it would most likely already be a tense situation. For you to confront him then would only push him over the edge and cause him to freak on you when, if anyone, she should get freaked on, not you.

    He must know by now that enough is enough. How much more are you supposed to tolerate with regard to her behavior? Ask him what his game plan is. If he knows that she can’t handle polygamy me and another wife left already, I don’t get what he was thinking about marrying again.

    Go for coffee or ice cream or something alone with him and talk about. Talk Islam. Lack of faith, lack of belief in Allah causes her to act out that way. It’s unacceptable.

    Why would he want to be intimate with you knowing she will throw a sH!t fit?

  • Aisha

    November 11, 2015

    Trueeee!! We’ve only been married 5 months tho.. And I make soooo much effort in how I dress and how I look.. If the thrill is gone I guess I’ll be gone soon too.. I’m thinking of talking to him about how the co always seems to have tantrums on my nights and she’s fine when it’s her night.. Obviously when she causes a scene on my night she puts my husband into a bad mood and then I end up getting upset too and then we fall asleep annoyed at one another.. Do you think I should say this tonight or shall I wait until the next time she throws a hissy??

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2015

    Like the name of that song, “The Thrill is Gone.” That’s all school. You don’t know anything about that lol

    It’s why some move onto and get a 3rd and then a 4th wife – to get the thrill back. Then they begin divorce and start swapping them out.

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2015

    What happens is all the wives want to make sure they get some and don’t get less than the other wife. He get so much he doesn’t want anymore. Plus he gets tired of the aggravation from the wives and he doesn’t want to be bothered.

  • Aisha

    November 11, 2015

    Gail my husband is REALLY weird when it comes to intimacy.. He doesn’t seem interested at all he is the same with the co when we were on speaking terms she told me he just didn’t seem interested.. Now I don’t know if he likes playing hard to get or if that’s just him..

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2015

    Scorpio83 said we sister/ girls seem very mature. According to Allah in the Holy Quran, the age of maturity is 40. If I’m not mistaken, off the top of my head, I think he was referencing the orphans and releasing what they are owed to them. May Allah forgive me if I’m wrong.

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2015

    Imagine if she gets that postpartum depression thing.

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2015

    No problem, Sis. It’s what we do 🙂

  • Jasmina

    November 11, 2015

    Gail yes so true. Haha. It would be a tough time for the other wife then… In the same house and all. She probably will get even more upset tho she wud be busy with the baby so who knows.

  • Jasmina

    November 11, 2015

    Thanks Ana for reminding me of what Allah says. SubhanAllah.

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2015

    I’m sorry. I should have directed the last post to Jasmina, not to Aisha.

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2015

    Aisha,

    I beg to differ with you that everyone gets wiser with age. Not everyone receives wisdom. Allah says He grants wisdom to whom He chooses and those whom He gives wisdom have been granted a great deal of good. He gave some of His prophets wisdom when they were young and some when they were older.

  • Gail

    November 11, 2015

    Aisha and Jasmina,

    I really doubt Aisha will have to worry about her husband staying away from her because the first wife can’t have sexual relations for awhile.His sexual outlet will be with Aisha so I don’t really see it as a problem other than he might use her for sex and then run back to the other wife and the baby.
    Aisha don’t stress out to much life is full of good and bad days.Just stand your ground of what u r willing to accept and not accept and u will be fine

  • Jasmina

    November 10, 2015

    Aisha

    I agree age isn’t anything though with experience everyone gets wiser and if a man generally has a good heart he will do the right thing eventually. There’s a saying by some woman… Do your best until you know better and when you know better do better…. I think that’s it haha. Anyhow regarding the excuses post birth… It’s very possible but you need to break that before it becomes a cycle and it leads to you getting second best because she will continue to come up with reasons. Talk to your husband and make it clear that you have been very patient because she is pregnant and you expect the same when you are pregnant however the minute she gives birth… The special treatments will end and you expect equal treatment and for her to get it together and if she don’t then you expect him to be firm and fair. You live in the same house so it’s not like he needs to stay with her longer. It’s hard having a child and I am sure he will enjoy time away with u during the early stages and he will cry and she probably will to but he needs to respect your time. Maybe say for the first 2 weeks post birth you will accept some kind of leniency like he can help her during your time if need be but that is it. Whatever you are comfortable with but the point is you are laying down the rules so u will feel good about it. Now don’t say it like that to your man…. Put it to him in a way that makes him feel like he came up with the idea and this advance plan so he will follow through as he seems like the type that likes to feel in control.

  • anabellah

    November 10, 2015

    I meant to say men in their 50s as well, but erroneously left it out.

  • anabellah

    November 10, 2015

    I really don’t think it’s the age of the men or their maturity level. We’ve been hearing about men in their 20s, 30s and 40s all with the mentality that it’s all about them, their wants and needs. Most people are driven by their naf (lower self and desires). It’s the same with the women. Allah says those who are driven by desire have a diseased heart. It is what it is all about. It’s about the education or lack of as well. It’s about what they are taught. If they come from a culture that devalue women, of course, they will treat women badly. Some are taught women are to simply give them sex and obey them. It determines what one is dealing with. There are men in their 80s and 90s still chasing down women. Age doesn’t stop them or change them. It may slow them down and that’s about it. They still have the same mentality unless they try to make a change in themselves.

  • Aisha

    November 10, 2015

    Jasmina don’t me asking but how old is your husband? Why do men feel like it’s ok to do whatever they wish without considering the feelings of others.. I will never know.

  • Aisha

    November 10, 2015

    Thanks ladies it worked Alhamdulilah.. I’ve been supporting the husband and I’ve also been comforting the co and Alhamdulilah my husband have noticed I’m trying hard.. I’m actually beginning to feel sorry for her she’s due in 2 months so she’s near enough at the last stages.. He married me when she was only a few weeks pregnant but she was happy to go ahead I did suggest for us to wait until after she has the baby but they both were happy to proceed..
    I’m worried once she gives birth my husband will start using ‘she’s jiust had a baby she’s stressed’ excuse. Last night she left the house in the middle of the night and walked off my husband was fuming I know 100% if that was me I would have got divorced without a doubt.. But never mind I know there situation is different to mine they’ve got children involved It’s easier to get rid of me..

  • Gail

    November 10, 2015

    Scorpio83,

    Look girl u have got to snap out of it and stop having this pity party with yourself.Look be brave u made a life choice ok granted U might think u screwed up and should have listened to your parents and since u r so miserable u might should have BUTTT what is done is done.Straight up do u want to be married to your husband?Can u take the bull by the horns and fix your marriage problems?Do u even want to?
    My advice is leave all the nonsense.I hate when women say like they r invalids waiting around scared that their husband is going to divorce them I MEAN REALLY.
    U need to change the way u think.U need to be thinking to yourself If that idiot divorces me it is his loss and if he does divorce u even once u walk away and never look back.Women have got to stop being so freaked out by divorce to the point it mentally screws with u.Look to be frank their are ALOT and I mean ALOT of immature,inconsiderate,Ego driven,screwed up men out there.If divorce does happen then it is not the end of the world.U have your health and u will be fine.What is not fine u saying that u r basically worthless.G.D don’t make trash as the old saying goes and I am sure your parents don’t think u r trash either.Hang in there.

  • anabellah

    November 10, 2015

    It’s Satan who is telling you that you are not worth anything and that you should have listened to your family etc. If you sit around entertaining Satan’s whispers, your going to continue to be all messed up. Many women made their husbands and their marriage priority in life instead of making it about Allah. There are consequences for doing so. Allah’s punishment is severe. Allah is a Forgiving God, as well. Maybe polygamy is a blessing for some or maybe it’s a curse for some. Only Allah knows.

  • anabellah

    November 10, 2015

    Scorpio83,

    Many of the women are experiencing polygamy at an older age and some younger. I don’t think it’s the age that makes any difference . I’ve seen women all go through the same stages of polygamy regardless of age. It’s a process. For a woman to say she is young and others are older with more experience, it’s why they are handling it better. No, it’s not it. Many don’t get in it till older. What makes a major difference with the outcome for a Muslim is her faith or lack of. Allah will take the person through it, if she worship Allah, as He commands in the Holy Quran. If she’s waiting thinking she’s got to get some age and experience on herself before she can cope with polygamy, she may find it’s too late as we never know when Allah will seize our souls.

    It could very well be that Allah has you all alone, so to speak, so that you could turn all your attention to Him. If you don’t you will be truly lost.

  • Scorpio83

    November 10, 2015

    eith all their advice and discussions I have to ask ( sorry in advance )
    You sisters / girls seem very mature which makes me feel that maybe I have still got a lot of growing up maturing to do.
    I am 32 and have been married for 11years.
    Have had a lot of struggle due to family interference mainly from my side
    Of the family
    It got to the point where my husband was going to divorcee me by alhamdullilah Allah saved my marriage
    now with this 2nd marriage I really feel Isolated and lost
    It’s like my mind wants to understand be logically
    But my heart is in the complete opposite direction
    I really feel like I’m not worth anything.
    I guess if you sisters / girls are older then u defiantly have a lot more experience and a lot wiser

  • anabellah

    November 10, 2015

    Oh, I just reread your post. you said you don’t know what he was thinking. I hear you.

  • anabellah

    November 10, 2015

    Oh, wow. I thought you were married much longer before he married her. You were both newlyweds. She found out quickly about you. Seems he screwed you both literally and figuratively. What the heck was he thinking?

  • jasmina

    November 10, 2015

    Yes its very sad. For everyone. I dont know what he was thinking. Well he married her two months afyer he and i married. And two months into her marriage she found out about me. No one had any kind of good time all being newly wed. Wel they did im sure after he left me a year later.

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2015

    I guess the honeymoon for his other is over.

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2015

    Jasmina,

    It is awfully sad, as well. Gail spelled it out nicely. Think about it. He made her believe that she was the only wife. He didn’t tell her that he had a wife already when he married her. He lived with her as though they were in a monogamous marriage. He reeled her in. When she fell in love with him, he let her know that he has you as a wife. She has now invested time in the marriage and emotions. Now he think he could treat her any kind of way now that he has gotten her hooked. It’s very sad 🙁

  • jasmina

    November 9, 2015

    Yes its all a mess. I prefer not to even think about it. My feelings towards her now ate no good. Wewere gettung along but she recently push some boundaries and caused problems with my husband and i and so i just am keeping my distance. After all he amd i have been through we r still here together. I uave seen he lets me get away with things he wont let her. Like i refused to do something he wanted and he got upset but let me get away with iy coz he said he has put me thru enough. And he made her do something but wudnt accept her to even talk back. He has her pretty controlled. I rebelled.

  • jasmina

    November 9, 2015

    Yes i agree Aisha. I see it as an opportunity to come out shining. Be patient she wont be pregnant forever. No excuse after that. How many weeks is she?. Maybe be hubbys support. Give him tips on how he can calm her hermones down.

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2015

    Gail,

    Isn’t it funny how we write and then re-read it to find that we said the opposite of what we meant to say? LOL I think most of the time most of us knows what the person meant to say. I knew what you meant to say to Aisha 🙂

  • Gail

    November 9, 2015

    Aisha,

    I meant when I agreed with Ana I meant don’t go looking for a fight it is crazy right now.Besides u can catch more flys with honey than vinegar or something like that.You get the point though

  • Gail

    November 9, 2015

    Aisha,

    I agree with Ana she is mentally trying to screw with him and he is letting her so just chill out.Listen go make him a sandwich popcorn and a coke(whatever he likes and take it to him and tell him u thought he might like a snack and walk out.See how he responds.At least u will have done a good deed and he will have noticed it.That way when he sees u he will be relax and when he thinks of her he will be intention.Be smart Play smart and do some good deeds in the process.Heck make her a snack as well so she sees u are not being affected.

  • Gail

    November 9, 2015

    Jasmina,

    I read your post and listen girl it was in no way your cowives fault that your husband lied to her.Lord she thought she was marrying a single man how on earth could u just expect her to find out and be like ok thats cool and just accept polygamy hook line and sinker.Believe me I know I went through it myself and it is not cool and I will be blunt if your husband loves her more than u yeah then she can call the shots with your husband but I wouldn’t worry to much about that since u have a child with your husband.Forgive me but I can’t remember if your husband divorced 2 other women before u cam in the picture or not but if he didn’t then I think u r perfectly fine.
    I was thinking u and your cowife were getting along ok as well what happen?
    Look something else I get it that she rube u the wrong way sometimes and u wish u could choke the living life out of her but I would say from what u have said both u girls have been through alot and should cut each other some slack.Your husband sounds the same as mine.Mine was also a spineless B@stard as well.
    If u don’t like something in your relation don’t wait for your husband to change it u go try to fix it yourself.If u have trouble with your cowife just flat out tell her u r having this issue and come up with a plan to fix it and ask her what her issues r and u can help her fix it as well.It’s really not a big deal.I u two girls can get along that is.

  • Aisha

    November 9, 2015

    Thanks for the advice Ana I really appreciate it.. X

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2015

    Aisha, Sis, I’d say leave him alone. It would only make things worse if you bother him when he is pissed and has asked him to leave him alone. He needs the time to cool off. You approaching him now will probably only heat things up again. He could be upset because he’s beginning to feel like a jerk. She’s jerking him around and he may be able to see it, but don’t want to believe it. It’s easy to blame something else as in blame the pregnancy.

    I’d say leave it be. You and your hubz have made progress.You’re getting along much better now. Be thankful to Allah for the good times that he have given the two of you. Know that Allah says when we are grateful, He will give us more. Be patient. There is only so much crying she’ll be able to do before the tide turns. It’s all good, sis. Let her see that she’s not affecting you. If she thinks she affects you, she will do it more. She’s only digging her own grave. I know for a fact that nothing comes from doing manipulative things. It always backfire. She’s not getting away with anything.

  • Aisha

    November 9, 2015

    I’m SOO annoyed!!!!!!! SubhanAllah the co is up to her old tricks again.. Causing a scene on my night. Me and my husband have had such a good day Alhamdulilah until now she ruined my night once again crying like a child.. My husband told me to leave him alone as he doesn’t want to ‘speak’ to anyone.. What the?!?!?! She’s got exactly what she wanted and oh yeah guess what there blaiming pregnancy again!!!! Do you think I should be annoyed at my husband for sending me away like that? Should I let him know im upset or shall I not do his head in even more?!!

  • jasmina

    November 9, 2015

    thats good to know. But yes key is to not repeat our mistakes and to know how to correct a situation that is oppresive. I agree some things are not worth fighting for. If i look at my past from a different angle i can say i got divorced because i fought for me rights after realising how oppresive that situation was which was like lailas friend. At least i tried. I feel a sense of self respect now for not accepting that and speaking up… Even though i didnt onow i was going to get the boot it was what happened and my husband is answereable to Allah for that. For fearing people and not Allah at a time that mattered. I just wish i walked away with a smile relying and trusting Allah. Now for me to fight now because my husband gets home late and what not isnt good enought amd in this case i think iys best i stay patient. Alhamdulillah.

  • Aisha

    November 9, 2015

    Jasmina I hope you’re well sis.. Stay strong, keep being positive and most importantly be patient insha’Allah.. Xx

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2015

    I think it was Mari2 who said, “Life is a work in progress”. I like the saying. It’s an accurate assessment.

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2015

    I think we do silly things whether young or older. The age doesn’t matter. Life is a learning experience. One could learn a lot while older or while younger or both. We will always make mistakes and do wrong things. The key is to learn, and not keep making the same mistakes again. I’m finally learning that I need to go where Allah takes me, to do my part and stand up when an oppressive wrong is done to me. I’m learning that I need to leave something alone when it can be ignored and exercise patience. Life is a work in progress…

    Jasmina, with regard to thanking her. The only ONE you need to thank is Allah. When it comes to thanking a person or asking a person to forgive you, do it IF you want to. I don’t believe in the going to ask someone to forgive me as in mandatory and necessary. It doesn’t matter whether a person forgives me or not. It only matters that Allah forgives me. I’m going to humble myself to Allah and not to another human being. Allah tells us to humble ourselves to Him.

  • jasmina

    November 9, 2015

    so now if she wants my husband to leave me again she can just pull out the i didnt know card again. She is already acting up up and says things to him that makes him turn against me but thankfully its nothing serious enough. So i dont believe can hold on to that card forever. She told him she wants her life back to how it was so then where does that leave me if she calls the shots. my main point is we accept things based on what we are told but men lie and dont always reveal the truth… Im refering to lailas friend. Im sure there is a lot more to it. Anyhow i think my husband isnt as apineless as he used to be and i have almost 100% left the past behind.

  • jasmina

    November 9, 2015

    Yes perhaps. I do blame him but after the fact i blame her too.and now she thinks i need to thank her for letting my husband take me back. After she caused him to leave me and my baby with no home and woyld rub it in well after i gave birth with her nasty messages. My husband was living in my apartment. Another one we had so i had no reason to doubt him. I also blame myself for being so atupid and naive but i have forgiven myself. Like Aisha. Its so easy to say yes well you agreed to live in one home so suck it up now and live with it. We do stupid things when we r young and have little life experience so i think it is ok to change our minds and do things differently as we mature.

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2015

    jasmina,

    what your husband did didn’t make sense. He said he wasn’t going to live with you or with your co until she could accept polygamy. Well, where was he going to live, if not with you or her seems to be the first question that a wife would ask. Secondly, why should you be punished – live without a husband until she could accept polygamy? Both were senseless, if you ask me. Nonetheless, you found out that he lied and was living with her.

    Based on what you said, it is really sort of difficult to fault your co. Between him lying, saying he couldn’t live with either of you until she accepted polygamy, to she not knowing about you as he didn’t tell her, to you giving up your rights, how is any of it her fault? If you told her that you wanted your rights back, it was for him to deal with it. She was under the impression that he didn’t want to live with you. She is not expected to fix your and his marital problems.

    I think it easy for us to blame a co sometimes than to put the blame, if any, where it belongs. Many times it belongs with the husband who either lied to the wife, was remiss in telling the whole truth or simply lives what he believes is correct. I think ummof4 has asked why a wife is so quick to blame a co instead of the husband.

    One has to remember, as well, there are different rules of thought when it comes to dividing time between wives. Some are of the thought time must be divided equally. Some are of the thought that as long as he gets there, it’s all that matters, regardless of the time. Islam is not so rigid.

    The way I’m trying to deal with LIFE is to go with whatever Allah decides and not be bothered with challenging anything unless there is a blatant wrong going on in which Allah has let us know to take action. I’m going to try to go just go with it, otherwise. It’s good for my Imam (faith) and makes my life a lot easier and better.

  • jasmina

    November 9, 2015

    Ummof4

    Your advice is very sound. I am trying that nice and gentle approach with my husband and it’s working. I mean very very slowly but I have seen minor changes so I am trying to be patient with everything else I currently do not like about the situation insha’Allah. He talks to me more, stopped his anger towards me and the baby everyday, doesn’t get home grumpy anymore and took me out this weekend and was planning next weekend already. So yes now that I think about it they are huge changes. The only way I can manage to be positive is by focusing on Allah as much as I can. I do notice that when I waver I start to get negative thoughts subhanAllah…. though I don’t take out my emotions on my husband anymore. I resent a lot of things from the past but I am forgetting it all now.

  • jasmina

    November 9, 2015

    I have always felt the same way about a wife ensuring the husband is doing right by her co-wife. I recall a hadith by Aisha RA and I will try to find it insha’Allah but in it she says something along the line that a wife who knows the husband is not doing right by another wife will be held accountable for not saying anything in her defense.

    I couldn’t sleep well knowing my co-wife was getting the short end of the stick. When my husband first married the 2nd, he told me he wasnt going to live with her until she is ready for polygamy and henceforce wasn’t going to live with me either. lies he lived with her and not with me but anyhow thats another story. it’s a confusing situation but anyhow I did agree initially to give up my rights for a few months after we married. I didn’t know that he hadn’t told her that he was already married. Anyhow months went by and nothing so I demanded my rights as per our agreement. But no he had every excuse in the book, his hands were tied blah blah. Anyhow when she found out, I told her that I needed my husband too and she said it had nothing to do with her if he didn’t want to live with me. He told me she didn’t agree to it all and it would take her time to agree to polygamy. All this time any gift my husband would give me… first thing I would ask him if he had a gift for her also. Now that we are back together he is being fair with time alhamdulillah, an angel compared to back then alhamdulillah.

    However I RESENT my co-wife for never helping me when i pleaded to her to share the time, or for having any kind of “love for your brother what you love for yourself” type thing within her. She just wanted me gone. It’s one thing I probably will never forgive. Now I couldn’t care less if my husband doesnt give her something that he gives me. Though if it was time then yeah I wouldn’t let my husband do that, same as you Ana for my own soul more than for her because I don’t care less about her now.

    Mind you I heard her talking to my husband on the phone complaining about the same complaints I have with husband not being around enough… I felt sorry for her and for me. It was felt good though that Allah revealed that my husband isn’t giving my time to her, he just rather work or hang out at the masjid than be home… not sure.

  • Fatimah

    November 9, 2015

    Ummof4
    Alhamdulillah you have given me something to think about. You said comparing never ends nicely. Im seeing more amd more that it doesn’t end nicely and causes all that u have said. I am guilty of this. A friend told me “comparisons are the theif of joy”. It took me awile to fully understand what it meant, and when i did get it, i applied it to other things not seeing it for others. Allah apparently is telling me something. Look deeper, be more vigilant. Idk.

    Also my children are young and they were already advised not to tell me those types of things but it slips occasionally. My older ones sEe things for themselves.

    I have alot to think about and some duas to make. My dad always says take one day at a time and dont overwhelm yourself w tomorrow. This morning i made my intention to try and take it one day at a time.

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2015

    Fatimah,

    When a husband isn’t doing right by way of the wife and she’s exhausted all the Islamic channels available to her, she could make your intent for divorce or simply stay in the marriage, persevere, be patient, pray and do all that Allah tells us to do. No one knows what Allah has for us tomorrow. Just because conditions are one way today, doesn’t mean that they will be the same tomorrow or in the future. Allah promises the believers relief, comfort and ease. The believer could have good in this world and the Hereafter.

    The Christian lady whom you spoke of who said she had put her husband before God, spoke of what many women do. I think a major problem in Islam is that many women are mislead by false teachings. They are taught that a wife must make her husband happy if she wants to enter Jannah/Paradise. It has women kissing their husbands butts, becoming their slaves and worshiping them. It take the women away from Allah swt not nearer to Him. It has them committing the one of the worse sins that a person can commit (shirk – giving Allah partners or an equal). It’s a sin that will lead to the Hell Fire. Allah created us to worship Him, not anyone or anything else. There are no intermediaries. We don’t go through anyone to get to Allah. We certainly don’t need a husband for it.

    A believing husband will encourage his wives to serve and worship Allah. He would tell the wives not to worship him. It’s not about him. The BELIEVING HUSBAND is the one to obey. He is the one who will make life about Allah and not about himself. He is the one who learns and lives the Holy Quran. Allah tells us to obey our husbands. He tells us, AS WELL, in many ayat, not to obey anyone who neglects the remembrance of Him. He says don’t heed the unbelievers. Many of these husband who claim to be Muslim are not believers. We need to know the attributes of a believer. Allah tells us in the Holy Quran the attributes of believers.

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2015

    Fatimah,

    I’m with you totally on how you think of wives who don’t encourage their husbands to DO RIGHT by the co-wives. It’s terrible how a wife could not want or encourage it. How could she feel good about herself, knowing she supports injustice. Allah loves those who are just. It’s not just about polygamy, but just in all things. It’s one thing for a wife to agree to less time, money, etc. It’s another knowing the other wife wants the time or time and money and the husband doesn’t give it to her because he wants to cater to the other wife. For me it wouldn’t be about the other wife and how she feels etc. as much as it would be about me protecting my own soul. You are so right that we are to forbid evil. A wife that is greedy and selfish like that has a dark soul and the husband’s soul has to be just as dark. It could be why the two gravitate towards each other. They only think about themselves and their nafs (low desires).

  • Laila

    November 8, 2015

    Ummof4. I think what you said is spot on. I think someone on this blog in the past, Marie I think also said the same thing about women who stick in a marriage because of the children. Why stay for the sake of the children and still be miserable? I for one wouldn’t want to stay on just for the sake of the children. I’m sure there is still a way for the children to meet up with their father. Fatima, we get that your challenges aren’t easy. Having a husband that doesn’t care or put in any effort is painful. Being a woman, it’s understood. But what are you going to do about it? You cannot just keep on talking about the matter. Remember time flies and it’s good to at some point to make a decision. What is your decision then?

  • ummof4

    November 8, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Laila, I agree with you and Ana. Your friend needs to deal with her situation that she agreed to or stop complaining about it. Personally, I am a woman of action and can only listen to complaining for so long. If you complain to me, my next step is to help you develop a positive plan of action. However, I have a couple of good friends who are better listeners than I am, so sometimes I just send the complainers to them.

    Fatimah (I hope I have the correct sister), my advice to you would be to first not to complain to your children (If you are doing so) about your unfair treatment by your husband. Then if they want to report what is happening at your husband’s other home, politely tell them that what happens in that home is none of your business. When they tell you about how nicely your husband treats his other wife, that’s just adding fuel to the fire and making you feel worse. Of course, the way you talk to your children will depend on their ages.

    When wives compare treatment, it never ends nicely. It causes stress, resentment, jealousy and can even build to hatred. If a wife feels that a husband is not giving her what she is due, fulfilling her rights according to the Qur’aan and Sunnah, then she should first ask Allah to give her guidance on the best way to approach her husband. If she approaches him in a good way, and he responds in a positive manner, give him time to change his ways. If he responds in a negative manner, then seek help from others.

    It saddens me to read of the sisters on the blog who cannot go to their Muslims families for help when there is a problem in the marriage. Thisis what Allah commands us to do in the Qur’aan. The next step is to go to the leaders in the respective Islamic community. Again sadly, many Muslims on this blog do not seem to belong to any part of an Islamic community; they just seem to be living their lives in isolation. When I read the Qur’aan and Hadeeth, living in a community environment and having neighbors is always stressed.

    I urge all of the sisters on this blog who live in an area where there are other Muslims, to make an effort to make friends with other Muslim women. You don’t have to tell them all your business, but you and your children need the support of others besides your husband.

    As I’ve said before, (but I’ll say it again since we have a number of newbies, Alhamdulillah), it is important for women to have a life of their own outside of husband and children. Some have that life at their job. If you do not work outside of the home and live in an urban or suburban area, there are always opportunities for you to meet others and be productive to yourself and the society. You can study Qur’aan with another group of stay at home mothers, or begin to exercise by walking or joining a gym. You can volunteer to help those less fortunate than you- teach Qur’aan to the neighborhood children if you can, volunteer at a soup kitchen, sort clothes at the Goodwill or Salvation Army, tutor a child or adult at the local library or community center, plant a community garden, visit the elderly at the local nursing home, start a girl scout or boy scout troop. Include activities for yourself and activities that you can do with your children. When we don’t keep our bodies and minds busy, Shaytan has a party with us.

    For those of us who say we are only staying married for the children, why? Do you sincerely think that you and your children are better off in a household with their parents in a marriage where they don’t like each other, let alone love each other, than in a peaceful household full of love? Sometimes I wonder is it really the children or is it fear of the unknown and a stigma of being divorced, being a failure, not able to hold a marriage together, not able to keep your husband.

    Every marriage has issues, but after 40 years of marriage I continue to say that the number 1 secret to a successful Islamic marriage is both partners loving Allah more than anyone or anything else and both partners sincerely striving to obey Allah and earn the Jannah through His mercy. How do we learn to do that? By studying and understanding the Qur’aan and the life of Prophet Muhammad. Unfortunately everyone doesn’t do this, but it’s never too late to start.

    I pray that Allah grant all of us peace in our marriages and that Allah grants all of us the wisdom to make the correct choices in life with His supreme guidance. These correct choices will help to ensure our next life will be spent in the Jannah, In shaa’Allah.

  • Fatimah

    November 8, 2015

    I wrote this long response to Ana and it didnt save:( i pushed submit, idk happened.

    First let me say that Laila,when i was reading about your friend i was thinking like Ana said, your friends husband is treating her like a misstress and totally taking away her honor as a wife. I feel like many women initially say thry will put up w certain things just to get married, like work and take care of herself until she feels he is giving more or being regular w the first wife while she is getting little to nothing. They dont remember thats what they sanctioned. Im sorry but i dont respect women who know their husband is being unjust, or just deep to the other wife and doesnt encourage him to do right. Not just right by the wife, but by Allah. I understand FULLY the pain of being a first but to expect or accept my husband to cater to the point of hurting someone else doesn’t sit right w me. But i do understand that we are all different and want to feel good and could care less about others. In my experience w polygamy, I have come to realize that if we want for our sister what we want for ourselves, then things would be so different. I have seen some extremely selfish first and second wives, where they are so blind to the realization of it. What their husband does is always good enough for the goose, but never the gander…i have a friend who is a first and she moved away on the agreement of her husband that they will start fresh. When it came down to it, he didn’t stick to his part and lives w the second. But when he goes to his family after monnnthsss, the second goes bonkers. And I mean an evil bonkers. Anyway his wife shouldn’t allow him to be that way bc personally I feel Allah will get them both. Him for doing it and her for not forbidding evil. She isnt stupid and knows when he is w her, he isnt w his wife. And if he is w her alot more, she knows that. We are women and know the feeling.

    Ana, its like u were looking thru my window. Lololol. When u said if he doesnt see u, he isnt seeing his children either and children know when their mother isnt happy.it rings so true. My daughter often times mentions my spirits. Im usually one who can and will hide in the public that im going thru something. But at home, it’s a different story and I hate sometimes that my children are effected by how i feel. I totally agree w both u and Laila when u say having expectations of a husband changing will leave the woman miserable. That hit home for me bc it made me think that im expecting something from someone other than Allah swt. Its an easy trap to fall into wo realizing it. It can possibly turn into a form of worship and we all know how Allah feels about worshipping anything other than GOD. I read this Christian lady’s article where she talked about how she was putting her husband where only God belonged. Reading Laila’s andyour post Ana made me think that even though he may be wrong, my expectations may be the main cause of or a large contribution to my unhappiness . Which makes sense why yall say be happy and positive. Make a life for myself outside of him which I try my best. Im a go getter and never been one to sulk or sit around. Im constantly finding things to do and enjoy, but its when he comes around that makes me face the reality of my marriage. Im still lonely at the end of the day as much as i try not to be.

    Ana you made me think and reflect when u said make your intentions and leave everything else to Allah bc its HIS call anyway. Not ur exact words but what i got out of it. Let go and let Allah swt. Allah didnt have u say that at a more better time. I needed to read that, Alhamdulillah. Im consumed w how my husband constantly disses me, ignores me, etc. It doesn’t stop me from living but definitely not constantly focused on Allah swt. I have to work harder at just being aware of the test but not focusing so much i lose sight of the one who made the test. Again, its a constant challenge for me, but I hope Allah swt accepts my efforts for the times i do try. Idk HIS plan but HE definitely has one.
    Please, my sisters in faith, while u are reading this, make a prayer for me that Allah swt shows my husband the error of his ways and sends a resolution soon inshaALLAH. Allah does promise a way out if we totally rely on HIM, SO make dua that HE grants me that reliance and dont miss the boat when HE sends it….be blessed and thanks for the support!

  • Laila

    November 8, 2015

    Ana, i think sometimes women are also to be blamed. They lack gumption. Love is important, but never let love put you in a position where you would never agree to. I would never agree if my hubbs did that to me. For me it is important that a woman voices out what she needs and would expect. If he cannot meet her halfway then is it even worth it? The problem in my home country is women are afraid of not being married. They dislike the spinster status. They also avoid the divorced women label. So they end up putting up with everything under the sun. I think sometimes in order for our husbands to love and cherish us, we must first love ourselves. I never understood that initially. But nowadays I put myself first before anything. I always remind myself of what I can tolerate and what’s the breaking point for me. I think Ana, when you have respect for yourself, the man also sort of sees that and doesn’t mess around with you. Just my two cents based on my personal experiences. In the past I always placed hubbs first. I came in second. Ultimately, I always had a broken heart. I always wanted him to know or sense my needs.mwhen I woke up from my stupidity, I started to have a lot of confidence, and boy was I firm. I always would remind him that I am also a daughter to somebody. Would he tolerate it if his future son in law treated his daughter like he treats me? No, not in a million years. Ana you know my story. You know how much I compromised. I would look at that time and say, God was I just so easy. Nowadays, it’s not like that and I thank Allah. I think sometimes self-confidence has something to do with it,

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2015

    Laila,

    I agree with you that it’s on your friend to either put up with it or shut up. If she wants something to change it’s on her to make the move. Sitting around talking about how unhappy she is and what a b@$tard he is isn’t going to change anything. Her self worth must be at an all time low. She sounds like a mistress in every sense of the word.

    It’s sickening that some men aren’t man enough to be polygamous and their little slimy selves sneak around with other woman. They are a sorry excuse for a man.

  • Laila

    November 7, 2015

    Actually Ana, she expected him to come up with a schedule etc. initially she gave in because he said that the first wife was upset that he remarried. But after a while she saw that things would not change. He is used to only coming in afternoon hours. I’ve told her many times, either you accept the relationship as it is or you ask for a divorce. She keeps telling me that she cannot ask for a divorce as she still loves him. Hence the limbo state. I just feel bad for her because she wants her rights and she is miserable. But she refuses to see that he is never going to change and things will be like that till the end. I think sometimes many women are in denial. They just cannot accept that things are what is it and it’s up to them to make the move to move on or accept. But because they cannot make a decision, they are miserable.

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2015

    Laila,

    About your friend, It seems to me that she set the marriage up to be as it is. She agreed to the terms of the marriage initially and then once settled in, she didn’t like it any longer. It’s fine and good. The thing is she either live with it or leave it. He was probably straight with her from day one. She was just so head over hills in love and wanted him that she sold herself short. She needs to blame herself for settling. I’m sure he let her know that his wife means the world to him and he won’t do anything to rock the boat with her. Women need to put the blame where it belongs. He wouldn’t be in the relationship with her had she not accepted and agreed to it. She could demand more and it’s perfectly okay for her to do so. What she asks for and what she gets is a totally different story. She makes him out to be the bad guy now when she was all for it initially. It’s my take on the situation. Is he a nice guy. I don’t think so. He’s a selfish so and so in my book.

  • Fatimah

    November 7, 2015

    Wow Ana
    Your last post was spot on, like for real. Our lives are exactly the way they v are supposed to be. Deep about the expectations of anything else…

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2015

    Fatimah,

    I pretty much see it as Laila does. She said, “If you feel that after so long he hasn’t changed, then move forward. Find ways to move forward. Keep yourself positive and happy. Hoping for him to change and look at his mistakes will make you a miserable woman.”

    Fatima, you basically said you don’t need him. You could make it without him. Then you should do it. You said, as well, that you’d stay for the children. Do you want to sacrifice your life for your children? Women divorce all the time when they have children. Allah says He will provide in the case of a divorce. Those women don’t give up their happiness so the children could have a live in father. If he’s not seeing you as regularly as you’d like, he can’t be seeing them that often either. So, how is you staying with him helping the children? Do you think the children don’t know you are unhappy? Children know when their mother is unhappy and sad. Many times women use children as an excuse for why they stay. Women need to be honest with themselves.

    Islam allows divorce. Divorce is okay. Other books contradict Quran, and make divorce seem bad. It’s a means to control women and keep them enslaved to men.There is a Surah in Quran named Divorce. Allah tells us how to go about it. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) advised his wives that he would divorce them, if they didn’t shape up. He granted a divorce to his adopted son Zaid. It’s not expected that anyone should live in misery, when they have a way out.

    When I speak of women remaining in a polygamous marriage and try to make it work, it’s about women who love their husbands and the husbands love them. They have minor issues. The women want to stay in the marriage because they have no real reason to leave other than that they don’t want to live a polygamous marriage. They don’t want to oppose Allah with their desires and they want to accept all that is in the Holy Quran. The women have no major issues other than they have a difficult time adjusting to a whole entirely different way of life. All they need to do is learn what Allah expects of us and do it to have a beautiful life.

    It doesn’t seem to be your situation. You husband shows favoritism to his other wife. You’re unhappy with his treatment of you. You don’t feel the love. You want to rock and roll (leave the marriage). Make your intention to do so. Do what you can and see what Allah decides. You can’t do anything unless or until Allah decrees it anyway.

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2015

    coco puff, Wa Alaikum As Salaam and a massive hello back to you, my dear sister. Good to read you

    Thank you so much for sharing with us again, “What is Your Heart Looking at?” You can’t share it with us enough. I love reading it. It is an excellent reminder. There are always newbies here and we could always use the reminder, so share it whenever your heart desires. I’d appreciate it.

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2015

    Jasmina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    It is really cool that you and your hubz’ marriage is getting better. Alhumdulliah. You asked if marriage is supposed to be the way yours is. Well, I’d say yes. It is the way Allah has arranged and orchestrated it. It’s like asking if a woman who lives in another country than her husband and only sees him once or twice a year or every few years marriage is supposed to be that way. It’s like asking if Mari2’s husband living with his mother and coming to see Mari2 on weekends or whatever her schedule is – is it supposed to be that way. alison’s husband stays with her as though they are monogamous whenever he and his other aren’t doing that well. She and he may live monogamous for a month or more, if I’m not mistaken. When he and the other see eye to eye again he goes back to polygamy being polygamous with a polygamous schedule. Everyone’s life is as Allah scripted it for whatever reason. One shouldn’t compare her life with others. Your marriage apparently isn’t supposed to look like your parents. You have to stop the expectations and deal with what is real – how your life is right now. You’ve got to play the cards that you were dealt. If you don’t you’ll be unhappy. You won’t be satisfied.

    In the U.S. 50% or more of marriages (monogamous, of course) end in divorce. So, if you think those in monogamous marriages get married and live happily ever after – think again. Marriage is hard work. Life is not what anyone imagines it would be. You’ve got to get your head out the clouds.

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2015

    Mari2,

    Okay! You and Gail would know way better than me about the in-law situation. I guess I keep looking at it from a westernized perspective. I have no in-laws, as my husband’s mom is deceased. She and I got along nicely when she was living. There wasn’t any conflict between she and me worth mentioning. I don’t have any cultural conflicts as my hubz. He and I are of the same culture.

    You and Gail need to keep putting me in check when I talk from a position in which I don’t know what I’m talking about LOL Thanks!

  • Mari2

    November 7, 2015

    @Ana and Gail,

    Nooooooooooooooo gail should not let inlaws move back in. Ever. Ana you just don’t understand the succubus they are with regard to their son. Gail’s done her duty. And it’s high time for her husband’s siblings to take on the burden. They probably have many excuses to not help: my arms fell off, I am lost in the woods, my wife’s mom’s cousin is insane an currently setting our house on fire…

    M’s mom has a brother living right here in this town and he and his wife have no desire to see M’s mom. And when M’s mom visits them, her SIL makes her wash dishes. Oh and they are in a rift with his other cousin who owns a store here in this town. And they refuse to talk.

    The only time anyone visited was to check out living arrangements and gloat. Seriously, living with pak inlaws/relations as a western person requires….

  • coco

    November 7, 2015

    Assalaamualiekum & a MASSIVE Hello to all the beautiful sisters esp the newbies!!!!! ☺️

    Dropping in real quick it’s been a while, reading the recent posts I felt it’s a good time to share my favourite quote yet again for the umpteenth time! I know I know lol but it’s for the new ones here. I just can’t get enough of it I hope these words help others feel solace as I always do. Much love and duas for all you lovely beings. Please do keep my family and myself in your duas xoxo ❤️

    What is Your Heart Looking at?

    Often what makes us fall into despair is focusing on the wrong things. For example, if we’ve sinned, we focus on the sin, rather than the Most Merciful. If we’re broken, we focus on the break instead of Al Jabbar, the One who mends. If we are in pain, we focus on the pain itself, instead of on the One who removes all pain. If we are wounded, we focus on the wound instead of on the One who heals all wounds. If we’re scared, we focus on the fear, instead of the Protector. And if we’re facing a problem, we see the problem, but not the One who can solve it. We see the lion, but not the lion tamer. We see the imperfections of dunya, but not the perfection of Allah. We see the immediate, but not the Tomorrow, the tree, but not the fruit, the thorn, but not the rose. All our pain, all our despair, all our hopelessness, stems from looking at the creation, instead of the Creator.

    Ask yourself: What is your heart looking at?

    Yasmin Mogahed

  • Fatimah

    November 7, 2015

    Hey Laila
    Thanks so much for your input and thoughts. They are very welcomed and helps, Alhamdulillah. Im very taken back by your friend and sad that she isnin that situation. Her husband isnt giving her basic rights.

    I dont think i meant to say that polygamy was the root cause but more of one that adds to my broken marriage. Ana said something that was so profound in another post. I think it was the intimacy posts about how we just dont live in a perfeect world and yes polygamy would be ideal if the men did what they were supposed to but that’s so unreal. Thise weren’t her exact words but that’s what I got out of it. Its SUPPOSED to be hard(thats why the reward is so great for the woken) and even when thebhusband is dead wrong, thats HIS test and will be held accountable before Allah swt. Doesnt mean it wont hurt. Its our test to how we react. There isnso much fir me to continually think about in regards to my marriage. The expectations that I have aandnthe wish that he would change. He has been asked to improve by ppl he loves and looks up to, but he wont. He definitely has the ability bc when hebwants to, he does. Unfortunately i dont havebthe same strength that i used to. Again, we have been married almost 20 years, im ztill fairly young. I also think ee need time apart. To miss and appreciate eachother. Otherwise i have decisions to make…

  • Laila

    November 7, 2015

    Fatimah, I’ve been reading your posts and you said, correct me if I am wrong that polygamy is the root cause or is a set up for failure. I’ve been skimming through what everyone is talking about and I have my own schedule to adhere to as well. But I just want you to know that polygamy isn’t the cause for failure. I think the cause of any polygamy set up to fail is the man. Now this is based on my own experiences and also the experiences of my friends who are also in polygamy. Take for example, I’ve got a friend who is now the second wife. Being a second, many assume that the second wife would have more time, attention and days. But the total opposite is being played in my friends case. In fact, as long as shes been married, three years to be exact, the husband has never made or drafted out a schedule. He never sleeps in her home. He only sees her during the afternoon hours on his lunch break to have lunch, pray and make love. He never gives any form of allowances to my friend except on Eid saying that he already has a family and kids on the other side and that he’s unable to afford it. Luckily my friend has a good career and doesn’t expect much but she’s confided many times that she finds that by not giving at all, he’s not being responsible. My friend bought her own home and decorated it using her money. He’s not contributed anything at all. In fact, when he married her, she was very much established. Recently, she got real sick and yet, he never had the decency to visit her. When they fight, he avoids her totally for a month. Recently, he “announced” that he is what and who he is and my for my friend has no choice but to accept matters. My friend has come to me and confided many times and she’s very sad and troubled that he doesn’t even try to be fair. He’s hinted divorce but I doubt he will do it as I believe it’s just an empty threat to keep her submissive. I’ve told her that if he cannot even spend nights with her and now that she got sick and yet he was absent, what really is his role then? Can he really care for her? Sometimes Fatima, it’s just the way the man perceives things. If he doesn’t want to put in effort or the time, we cannot kill ourselves hoping that the man changes. We can nag, shout and give threats but then after a while it’s back to square one. I strongly believe in order for polygamy to work, the man must first understand that he has two wives or more and work on each relationship. My husband and I are twenty years in difference in age. Sometimes he drives me up the wall. He can be very strict and there are no chances given if I screw up. Sometimes because of my age, all I want is a husband that is my friend, my buddy, my ear to listen to all my stories. Sometimes I get it and sometimes I don’t. I have also learnt that it’s a two way relationship. I need to listen and also talk at the right time. I’m not about to give you any quick fixes or to urge you to get a divorce. All I’m saying is this, relationships are tough. It’s a work in progress. If you feel that after so long he hasn’t changed, then move forward. Find ways to move forward. Keep yourself positive and happy. Hoping for him to change and look at his mistakes will make you a miserable woman. I had a time where things were tough between us. I avoided my husband for at least two months. I missed him but I couldn’t communicate more than the usual as I didn’t want to start a major argument. I gave him and myself space and above all that, I had the chance to travel with my family, it was wonderful. I had an opportunity to see the world and also mature and understand that to be understood, we must listen. The space was good. We found each other and now we talk. We say what each of us wants and we know what’s the maximum. Meaning what is the maximum decision that will lead to a divorce. So don’t blame polygamy. Just know that men can be difficult. We women can be stubborn.mhow do we come to the middle? ….

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All

    I have to get back to you all later, as I’ve got to get some sleep. I was up since yesterday. Before I go, please note what Gail said inspired me to write a new post. The link is: Living Perfectly Flawed Polygamy

    Fatima and Jasmina, I read your posts and will try to get back here to you as soon as I can. Hang tough!!! Keep your eyes on the prize (Paradise).

  • Jasmina

    November 7, 2015

    I think I am happier on my days off. I can’t take it not knowing what time my husband is coming home. I always cook a good meal just for him but lately he won’t even eat, ate once in past 2 weeks maybe twice. Came home didn’t talk and went straight to bed. I haven’t been anywhere other than grocery store for weeks and I don’t have any friends here so I never have any company but him yet he is no company at all and doesn’t seem to care. I was so happy before he came, I just don’t knoe what I’m doing here, I hate my marriage. Alhamdulillah I have Allah and that’s all I need.

    Is marriage suppose to be like this? Am I just living in fantasy land expecting more? I ask because my marriage has never been good… This is as good as it’s ever been and I just don’t know. I only know of my parents marriage and they do and have always done everything together.

  • Fatimah

    November 6, 2015

    Thanks so much ladies
    Gail, your “spot” on about me having to make that choice. He refuses to let me go but refuses to make the marriage work. Before he got married i was leaving. I didnt feel our marriage coilud survive polygamy in the state it was in. He worked triple time to keep me and win me over. It worked. Until he got married. He changed completely and no matter what i said, he never changed. Now i say nothing. How do you tell your wife that you love sooooooooo much (this is what he told me), ” i dont have to be here, i dont have to be fair I n my day time. I know it may hurt you but oh well” ill never forget that. Anyway, he stays texting her, going out w her, etc. I think he checked out of this marriage when he got married but won’t let me go. Its like he wants his cake and eat itbtoo.

    You said some interesting things about not wishing that ppl get what they deserve. Its something I really need to loosen my clutches on. I look for justice and karma every day. Wanting both him and her to get served what they deserve. But honestly im not the creator and own no power. Their day will come and its isnt up to me. i just apppreciated your insight about that.

    Ive b33n contemplating hard about leaving. I feel i can do bad by myself. Im nt dumb Alhamdulillah. Allah has blessed me w so much talent and a determined personality. Im blessed w friends and a strong support system. Like, this guy doesnt t own me or my happiness. Im not afraid to move forward, i only think of my kids…

    Jasmina

    I hold dear to what you said about the tide changing soon….InshaAllah! !!

  • jasmina

    November 6, 2015

    thanks Gail… enjoying it whilst it lasts alhamdulillah. mind you things havent changed too much, but my mindset has.

  • Gail

    November 6, 2015

    Jasmina,

    That’s really cool u and your husband are getting along so well lately.Everyone fights and argues it is part of marriage but it sure is nice when there are more good days than bad.

  • anabellah

    November 6, 2015

    Please make sure you check that you do not miss any comments. I approved some that get unapproved somehow when I’m using the phone. It just happened with one of your yours Gail

  • jasmina

    November 6, 2015

    I’ve been writing a lot on the blog only last couple of days though I’m obsessed reading comments daily. not normal of me. I must be having serious issues in my marriage, or I’m happy and not busy crying or just loving this blog too much I can’t stay away. crazy. I used to only come when hubs and I were fighting a lot and i got way too depressed lol. We haven’t had a serious fight for 2 weeks now… RECORD

  • jasmina

    November 6, 2015

    Fatima

    Stay strong, the tide may change soon. It’s so sad what you are going through. I went through a divorce with my husband and it was just aweful but here we are again back together and we both regret staying apart for so long. I think treading slowly and carefully is best to be certain of every step you take as you cannot go back. I hate divorce, it’s ugly. Maybe before you go down that round exaust every other option, or take a break away and stay with family to clear your mind and he can also think clearly of what he truly wants. But yeah there is only so much a woman or a man for that matter can take. It seems you have way more experience at marriage than I so there’s not much I can say, I’m still trying to find my way through life and marriage. My husband and I met when we were really young and fell in love straight away but we have only been married for a short number of years so I think he probably got somewhat bored also. how is a woman suppose to keep her man interested for life… and why anyhow. I always thought you are together and that’s it, you live life together and there is no room for boredom or hating each other or parting.

  • Gail

    November 6, 2015

    Fatima,

    Yeah if u have did all that and been with him 20 plus yrs then yeah I would tend to agree with u that he is just not into u and he has emotionally and mentally moved on and maybe staying with u for the kids.Now in saying that it looks that way on the outside looking in but as Ana says he has not kicked u to the curb/divorced u and u have not divorced him either so it seems something is more at play here.
    I am curious does your husband respond ASAP to his other wife when she text or calls him or does he treat her the same as u? If he is responding to her ASAP then one can only assume he is acting like a duchebag towards u and at some point if u have tried everything to get him to change u will have to make the choice to live with or leave.
    U have to choose what u want in your life.Would u take a chance on divorce to find a more decent man that suites your needs or would u rather just stay with the dushebag and create your own life and live your life as a single parent? Knowone can answer these questions but u.
    I know for me personally I don’t have any desire to start over with another man.I even had the chance to go back with my first love and I toyed with the idea for a few yrs but in the end I decided I would not take that path and just be Patient(A virtue I don’t HAVEEEE)lol but I wanted to play this marriage out to see if it will end or if something will happen.My reasoning for not jumping off my marriage train is simply I didn’t want another man raising my children.I don’t believe men make very good stepfathers on average to be frank and I know from my own life of raising two children that are not biologically mine how taxing it is to be fair and just 24/7.In my case my children are real brothers and sister so I have always just seen them the same as my blood children but that don’t mean everyone is so kind.Also I live joint family and I want my kids to live with me my entire life and am raising them to also live joint family system.That would be something u would have to consider also if u live in a joint family system as well.
    I am seriously wondering if your husband is being an abusive Jerk or he is just clueless to where he thinks what he is doing is not a big deal.
    I am sorry u r going through this marriage is hard and when u have polygamy in the middle it makes it even harder if the husband doesn’t understand or acknowledge his wife or wives need him.

  • Gail

    November 6, 2015

    Jasmine,

    What I meant about my husband being sweet is that there is nothing and I mean nothing I can ask him to buy me and he would not move heaven and earth to get it for me.
    He has always given me the money he has earned in my hand and never and I mean never asked me how I spent it.May it be $1 or a 100,000 dollars.
    Now this is crazy funny and Ana can attest to this a few yrs back my husband gave his mom 8,000 dollars for us all to pitch in and buy a home in a very nice area of Pakistan but at the last I changed my mind and told him forget and give me the money back and he said no and said he would get back next yr etc… and next yr never came and to this day I still as much as I try hold a grudge against him on that topic.
    It’s funny because he tells me all the time he gives his all money in my hand why am I so greedy on a 8,000 when he gives me so much.It has nothing to do with greed it has to do with he lied to me to get that money.I am still working on trying to forgive that one.It’s funny because sometimes I giggle and say to G>D just one hard punch right in the kisser.I come a long way but I still have a long ways to go.LOL

  • Gail

    November 6, 2015

    Jasmine,

    I read your post and I really loved how u managed to turn everything over to Allah/G.D and not focus on the past.I am still working my issues out by turning everything over to G.D myself.
    It’s funny and I don’t know about u but I feel I have done some serious growing over these last 3 yrs.
    I use to want justice and would say to my husband your going to get what is coming to u or Go to Hell and meant it.It even got so bad that I thought a couple of time to physically harm him and entertained that idea.When I thought to physically harm him and entertain the idea of how I might just do that then I knew I had hit rock bottom and this was no longer about my husband screwing me over it had become much more in the fact that I had become someone that I no longer liked or respected and at that point I said u know what enough is enough and although that PIG is wrong there must be a higher point here so I started praying and meditating on just what that might be and what happened after all was said and done was this.
    I changed OH BOY did my thinking change and my personality.
    All my life I have never been one to do good deeds so I could get a seat on the train going uptown/Heaven.I know u ladies believe this on the blog and I was taught the same thing and I still see it that way but in a little different way.
    I see it like this now if u do good deeds then u advance mentally and spiritually(life is nothing more than a series of lessons u pass some u fail some as u pass u advance and the lessons u fail u keep repeating until u master the concept).From learning and understanding this concept I stopped dwelling on my husbands insanity and no longer feel like I want him punished and I stopped telling him he is going to hell and that I pray G>D strikes him down.LOL
    The reason why I stopped all that nonsense in my mind is because when I really stopped and thought about it Yes my husband was doing wrong but I had two paths in front of me either I take the lower road and kill him and feel justified in doing it or I take the higher road and understand everything is a life lesson to grow spiritually more mature and pray for him that through me I can guide him to doing what is right.In other words my husband was put in my life to cause me pain and suffering we were matched up so we could help each other learn life lessons.So when I thought about it like that this light bulb went off and I even started laughing at the thought of wanting to ax him off.LOL
    I began to understand that like a child he did something wrong(like use me for immigration) but also like a child he is going to react to my reaction.If i acted negative then I am obviously going to get a negative outcome but if I acted positive and think to myself dang that boy is spiritually weak and on zero in this area of his life then I start thinking ok I am not going to accept this and tell him as much but I am not going to react like a lunatic.
    Sooo what has changed for me is I no longer wish for anyone to get what is coming to them because they already got what is coming to them by doing the bad action it shows they r not spiritually mature.Example Laila’s Hair dresser scammed her out of money now that is a clear sign that lady is not spiritually mature and yes it will happen that lady obviously has a life lesson to learn now Laila as the person that was scammed has two paths the lower path(u know all the emotions that go with it like wanting to beat the hell on that girl for scamming her) or the higher path which is seeing clearly that girl has alot of spiritual work to do and understand that unless that lady gets a clue it is going to be a very long time before she spiritually matures(gets a clue) and that means she is spiritually poor.
    Laila is the rich woman(spiritually) and the hairdresser is Spiritually a beggar person.
    Now u might say to yourself what difference does it make if one is spiritually rich and the other is spiritually poor. The difference it makes is everything because at that point u become a light to others and u start to create amazing things in your life and those around u.
    That is why I say stand up for yourself stand up for truth don’t cower to someone that u know is doing wrong stand for truth and justice and give them back the exact same as they have done to u because that way u r being a mirror for them in showing them their negative actions.
    The coolest thing I learned from this spiritual awakening is that I no longer wish anyone to get what is coming to them in a negative way.I only wish for them to learn to grow in a positive way spiritually.
    G.D/Allah is with us 24/7 and here anytime we need him and he put these life lessons in our paths so that we might grow spiritually and the person that does the bad deed he is paired with u at that moment in time so that u may be a teacher to him/her so that they might grow as well.
    I feel I have spiritually grown as well.My husband although he has been a duchebag in some areas of r marriage I do want to say that he does have one trait that don’t have and he has been a teacher for me in that area and that is patience.I suck at it never had it and any life lesson that comes my way in regard to patience I fail.It is the one area I SUCKKKK at and strangely my husband has mastered that.Also he is like really forgiving and the nicest person I have ever met in my life for reallllllll as far as sweetness.Really I become in Awe how one he can be so rotten but taste so sweet at the same time . Still trying to figure that out.hahahah
    Sorry for the long post!!!

  • Fatimah

    November 6, 2015

    To All
    I LOVE this blog.LOL. I’m going to write more late but wanted you all to know I read your posts and loved them!
    Ana, I feel the same way u do. I think deep he doesn’t really want to be w me. We’ve been married almosy two decades. I spent my whole young adulthood w him! The only man i know…

    Gail –
    i appreciate your suggestions but girrrll beeeeenn there done that. I DON’T text or call him bc of dont wsnt to give him the opportunity to ignore me. This last incident was in regards to my kids, just general questions and figuring out plans for school. Im used to it, so played out but at times i really need an answer. So seven hours later i asked for a response and he said i know already everything i told him and he had no answers. Soooooo he couldn’t tell me that seven hours ago? I think its a sick form of abuse. Our relationship is so jacked and he refuses to change or take advice so i believe its time to part ways. Also I stay at the salon and keep up my hair color but i think all the chemicals is making my haor fall out. I wear heels and cute jackets all the time. I’ll go out w my friends and hang out but he could care less bc he never comes to the house on his day off unless its my night to see me so he wouldn’t realize i have a life. Im active in getting in his face. I igged him right back when he csme home so the cycle is contuning on….
    Jasmina
    Im going to check out that book…I do praise him alot but its gets played and boring after a while when ur the only one putting forth effort…anyway i was on another post and Ana wss saying some deep stuff about Allah and i need to go back and read ot. It was padt midnight when i attempted and i said wooooo i gotta read this when im fully awake. Made me take some looks at myself in regards to tests. I see myself as an avid spiritual person but far from perfection. Im constantly trying to strengthen my relationship w Allah swt and im constantly challenged w keeping it strong. Allah promises HE will do that to keep us calling on HIM. Not so much that we are such bad ppl,but that Allah loves us so much HE wants to keep hearing us call on HIM and cry to HIM. Any way I have so much more to say but im realllllly busy today.
    Be blessed ladies!

  • jasmina

    November 6, 2015

    and year Gail pretty much summed up what I say in her last post… lol

  • jasmina

    November 6, 2015

    Fatima

    I feel you. It’s an aweful feeling, being ignored. My husband does it too at times since I met him and I always used to get upset begging him to tell me what I did wrong. Now after all we been through and getting remarried he has tried it again and I told him that relationship trick is old and doesn’t work anymore. However he still does it when I peev him off and he is very good at it too. It is manipulation and a form of abuse.

    I don’t like it one bit, up until recently I would get very upset but since I have put my focus on Allah it no longer bothers me and I don’t know if he has stopped doing it or if I just don’t notice it anymore but it’s been good. i don’t call him in the day unless I need to or once or twice a week I will to tell him Im thinking of him and it really makes his day. He calls me more often now and has a much better attitude on the phone and when we talk face to face. We actually talk for about 30-60 minutes before going to bed now which is a huge improvement though he is still coming home very late.

    Mind you we did have a huge argument which almost led to me leaving (again lol) and he promised to change and he has been better since then so I think the wake up call helped too. I have been very nice to him, even when he gets grumpy I just am very gentle with him and cuddle him like as if he was a baby lol to get a smile out of him. I am rewarding the behaviour I like from him and ignoring the bad behaviour i don’t like. You know same as with children. he was really good to me and for first time in maybe 7 months sat down to chillax with me so i bought him a gift and have praised him a lot, narcassists love to be praised a lot. Read up on NLP and influencing, it may help.

    I read another blog, it’s a christian woman however she had great tips on how she changed her relationship around. A lot of it has to do with respect. It’s called the Patient Wife I think. I do admit that now that my focus is on Allah, I can see my own faults and a huge one has been that I show my husband way too much attitude and disrespect (mainly because of our bad past) and a lot of resentment. With focusing on Allah my bitterness towards him is going away because my past and the things he did to hurt me are not hurting me as much anymore as I am more accepting of them as the Qadr of Allah. and Accepting that indeed Allah put me through that so that I could get closer to Allah because i was so distant even though all those years I thought I was a good Muslimah… I was faltering in major ways. I see it now. So it’s all like a domino effect… forgiving the past means no bitterness which results in no disrespect towards my husband and it all makes me happy. Now if he is nasty towards me then that’s his problem and I hope he feels bad for it, I have a clean conscious knowing I’m a good respectful wife. Mind you I do call him up when he does something I don’t like but in a healthy respectable way. i pray for Allah to guide me and keep me strong long enough to see changes in my marriage to stay.

    Maybe you need to really and truly go back to step one… Allah. I thought I had for years but it wasn’t until i reached rock bottom where I didn’t even want to live where I realised how much I was deluding myself. Mind you it has only been a few weeks, maybe 4 but the changes it is having on me is phenomenal. This is just my personal experience.

    I also wonder if your husband is going through a phase because he is newly wed. You know it happens… he feels so comfortable with you it’s like yeah you understand and have to put up with everything… you ain’t going nowhere. I think he is so excited over there for now but it will wear off once the baby comes and her focus turns to the baby.

    I’m working on my foundation… my relationship with Allah and slowly building small blocks on other aspects of my life.

    This is what I am trying… I don’t know if it will work but I am praying to Allah.

  • Gail

    November 6, 2015

    Fatima,

    The goal is to get him chasing u understand.He will never chase after u until u stop chasing texting and calling him because to be point blank he is just not interested his mind is somewhere else.
    Also if u r smart u will get a new haircut or die your hair and get a a few new outfits so that u can create an illusion that u r not sitting at home waiting on him to call or text u understand.

  • Gail

    November 6, 2015

    Fatima,

    Ana is right and I have pretty much the same exact problem as u.
    Now what I have learned over the yrs is if he refuses to listen to me then I will just do the exact same thing back to him.If he is ignoring u then ignore him right back until he gets the picture.It won’t take long and he will figure out.Look when u r so busy chasing him u r not giving him a chance to chase u.In his mind he thinks he has u in the bag understand.If u start shaking his world up a bit and give him a dose of his own medicine by ignoring him right back then u see how much he screams.
    Men are hunters and chasers by nature so if u r the one doing all the chasing all the time and he is busy with his other wife then he feels secure u r not going elsewhere(U get the point).
    Have u tried to ignore him the way he is ignoring u?This is what I call part of getting up in their face.U don’t have to be screaming to get your point across.
    Look stop calling and texting him and go A Wall(missing) on his days with her and make plans with mom or sister or a friend for a say a month so he gets a good dose of BITE ME!! understand?

  • anabellah

    November 6, 2015

    Fatimah,

    I hope you don’t mind me butting in. I just want to say Gail, too, has mentioned having the problem of being put on ignore by her husband from time to time, and they aren’t in a polygamous marriage. It’s a weird situation to me. I don’t know what it’s all about. To me, it’s as if the men are blaming the women for something, but won’t talk about it so they go mute. It’s baffling.

    It’s as though they are in a marriage they don’t want to be in, but can’t leave. They feel stuck and don’t understand that they can’t leave cuz Allah won’t let them for whatever reason. Those are just my thoughts about it.

  • Fatimah

    November 6, 2015

    I meant that the aspect of polygamy being added to my marriage makes ME feel this way not that polygamy is itself the issue.

  • Fatimah

    November 5, 2015

    Jasmina
    Do u know my husband bc OMG, what are are saying about your husband is exactly like mine. I mean, lets step away from polygamy for a moment. It ain’t always about polygamy. Ive been trying to figure out the same u are so ur gonna have to share!!Lol. He also does this ignoring thing that drives me to straight want to divorce. To me its such a disrespect and disregard.when im talking to him he wont look at me or look interested for that matter. Ill text him and he wont answer at all or the next day. By Allah. Im so fed up and I learned (very late in the game bc that’s what this mess is) that of i acknowledge that hes ignoring me by asking him why, it makes it worse. I feel sick just thinking about it bc it really upsets me. I always give my undivided attention. If i start telling him things about me, he will cut me off and talk about himself. Its disgusting actually. This isnt new and my eventual reaction was i stopped even going to him about myself. I have a ton of friends Alhamdulillah but Allah created man and woman for eachother to enjoy. I dont always WANT to talk to my girl friends you know? What’s sicker, is he will come home and want life to be grand as if nothing ever happened. As if I didn’t ask him to please respond to my text from yesterday. I feel like going along w it helps him to continue his behavior. Im just not sure what to do to help it improve. Its been an on going issue for years with his blatant disregard. According to my kids he is always laughing and talking w his other wife to the point they began to feel sad bc they see a difference. It makes me feel sad too bit not sorry for myself bc im such a fun and out going person MashaAllah. Like he is the one losing out but I feel very lonely. This was an issue before he got married and i feel like he’s in his corner enjoying his new prego wife but doesn’t feel the need to tend to me. Some days are easier than others. I make a ton of duas asking Allah swt for help. For strength bc deep down I have been wanting to leave for years now. Idk how to get him to respect me and no one who jas given advice can make him change. I know ppl dont divorce bc of being ignored but it really goes deeper than that. I feel that he uses each of his wives for his selfish wants and needs and doesn’t give a rats a$$ how it makes ME feel. He stays talking about how he cant be unfair to her and why he does this or that for her but when i complain its oh well too bad. Problems are hard enough in my marriage but I feel like polygamy makes ME feel worse and extremely insecure

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2015

    Sara, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Hello there, newbie. Welcome! I’m glad you found the courage to comment.

    I don’t quite understand your question. I assume you will be marrying the man and he will be the step-dad of your five year old son. I assume you and your son are Muslim. I’d say you simply let your son know that the man and you are married and the man besides being your husband will be his (your son’s) stepdad. Am I not understanding correctly?

  • Sara

    November 5, 2015

    Assalamu akaykum..
    I hope all you sisters are well Insha’Allah
    I have been following this blog for some time now and find it very beneficial.. But haven’t had the courage to comment up until now..
    I have come out of a 8year long marriage a couple of months ago but have been separated for a long time before. I have been considering polygamy for a while.. I have actually met a brother and we are considering each other.. I also have a 5 year old son from my previous marriage.. One of my concerns is how would I go about explaining to my son who this new man is our lives.. Does any one have any experience with this?

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2015

    alison,

    Enjoy monogamy, my friend. Take advantage of both ways of life. Have a blast

    Scorpio83,

    Insha Allah, I will write a post very soon about what you spoke of today, as well. I began to write to you and jasmina when I realize both could be posts in and of themselves. I took notes on what I was going to write to you, Scorpio83

    aisha,

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Well, everyone, I’m going to call it a night on this computer. Over and out! I’ll check for comments by way of my phone, Insha Allah, unless I’m sleeping, of course.

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All

    I’ve written a post about intimacy that may be helpful to everyone.

    The link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/intimacy-issues-visit-polygamy/

  • Gail

    November 4, 2015

    Ana,
    I really don’t know what to say right now on the inlaw topic to be honest.

  • jasmina

    November 4, 2015

    @ Aisha

    Walaikum sallam… thank you and you too insha’Allah. You know I was thinking the same thing as I have read your posts lol. What is your husband’s background?

    It’s good news that you and hubby are back together and getting along. With men like these at times you do have to walk on eggshells for a while until you get to know each other. My husband I feel trys to make it known who is boss and so goes out of his way to intimidate and what not but I know him so well that it gets old and in our new marriage I haven’t taken any of it and have always snapped back and talking back and telling him when i think how rediculous he is being. It’s very wrong because it has showed him tooo much disrespect and men don’t like that, but at the same time he has seen a side of me he has never seen and he hasn’t been able to fully stepp all over me this time. I am now trying to find a middle ground where I am respectful yet assertive enough. So far it’s working and he isn’t on the defensive so much and is very slowly slowly starting to open up again. Living with a narssacist you have to outsmart them. I am not the type to be manipulative, don’t know how, never needed to sway. I will just be myself usually and that should be enough. But with him I feel I need to be ahead of his mind to be able to make him feel like it’s ok to relax and be himself without having to control and stomp his feet. Influencing him in a positive way. I have been looking into NLP lol to be able to talk to him.

  • jasmina

    November 4, 2015

    @Scorpion87

    Yes it’s very sad to have family like that. I have some relatives that don’t know I am back with my husband because they are so against polygamy, they are not close so i don’t really care but they will find out soon enough if they come over maybe and drama will be sure to begin then.

    I am sure that if you looked deep into their relationships through the years there would be ‘family secrets’ or things that you would detest and not agree with and also wonder why on earth they are still married tot heir partners. People don’t talk about their own **it but are happy to make someone feel poorly for their decisions. I think you need to keep in mind that everyone has dirty laundry and just not worry about what they say or think. It’s only very early days for you anyhow, I am sure that in time they will come around as they start to see that you are still happy and not affected by your husbands decisions. Give it time. Yes Quran has been my cure. I have suffered very much for many years and sincerely focusing on Quran has cured my deep deep suffering in literally a matter of weeks, after I did everything else trying to cure this pain. SubhanAllah. Allah is merciful and he indeed wants us closer to Him when he puts us through these trials with our own family and loved ones. allahualem.

  • jasmina

    November 4, 2015

    @Ana

    Yes that could be the case. I have 6 brothers and am the only sister so growing up around so much testosterone around brothers that were never shy to discuss their sexual lives lol I have an idea of men and sex and now am faced with something so diffeerent with my husband. I will watch the movie and see how that goes, I did try watching it once but zoned out before they left on the trip haha but will try watching it again.

    Maybe I need to try harder in a more subtle non demanding way lol. Will try to flirt more. He does work way too much and I can imaging how stressed he must be managing two households, he is getting better. It’s all starting to become comical where I laugh off his issues now more than cry. He is trying to change particularly his anger management issues, he told me he would change for me and I can see he is trying so I might have to make things more comfortable for him to enable a faster and consistent change… well when i say change I mean back to how he was when we met… he’s become a grumpy frumpy old man lol (he is young but acts way older).

    Yes i’d love to find those tips Gail has. He has been my first and I am his first too in that department so maybe we are missing something.

  • Aisha

    November 4, 2015

    Salaam alaykum sister jasmina I pray you’re in the best of health and emaan insha’Allah.. Your husband sounds so much like mine it’s pretty scary.. Even from your previous post which I didn’t get to reply to your situation sounds exactly like mine.. You seem a very strong person MashaAllah.. I admire you! Don’t be mad at urself for opening doors etc honestly it’s a sad sad world out there and you never know who is genuinely sincere and who isn’t.. It doesn’t help when your husband isn’t exactly the talking type or one to understand but don’t worry Allah is all seeing and all hearing. Stay strong sis xxx

  • Scorpio83

    November 4, 2015

    Jasmina
    The sad thing is I’ve never interfered in any1 else’s relationship. Let that be friends or family
    I’m the type that just listens … Like y would I advise someone else in their personal matters when I have enough going on in my own life
    Unfortunately my family relatives are made for idle gossip
    It’s sad I know
    Ever since my husband has married again I’ve not spoken to anyone,
    It’s got so difficult, and I thank Allah that he in his own way has made me find this blog
    As far as my family are concerned they feel if he has married again y am I still with him
    It’s so very hurtful
    It’s at times like this that I spend extra time remembering Allah and asking for patience to get through this

  • anabellah

    November 4, 2015

    jasmina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I will speak about what you mention and break it up into two posts. As you know, men, the same as people in general, are all different. One would think that as much as most men talk about sex, and try to get it that they are all like that. They are not. Some have low libidos. When the man is polygamous, he may be getting it more from one wife than the other. When a man is in a polygamous marriage, he may get tired more easily. Sex drains his energy. With work and the other activities they are involved in, they get tired.

    One of my sisters has a husband with a low libido. She has to go at him to get busy. I used to know her to get frustrated and angry with him about it. The sexual issue such as it has been discussed on talk shows. I think it was Oprah once that they discuss how some couples are opposites. Either the man wants it regularly and the woman doesn’t and vice versa. Some people are just paired opposites.

    In polygamous marriages, I’m sure it could be frustrating if the wife thinks that the husband has sex with the other wife more than with her. How is she to really know that it’s the case unless he admits it or the co-wives talk to each other about it?

    Gail, has given some tips on what the ladies could do who find their husbands are not engaging them in sex as often as they’d like. I wouldn’t know where to begin to find what she wrote, as there are thousands of comments on this blog.

    A good movie, that is fun and entertaining to watch is, “Hope Springs” with Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep. It’s sad and funny. The couple had been married for 30 years when they began to experience intimacy problems. It’s not a new movie

  • Jasmina

    November 4, 2015

    That’s good Scorpio83. yeah cuddling is enough too bad my husband doesn’t seem to be the cuddling type.

    I’m sure your family have your best interests at heart but the fact that they are ignorant of our deen in regards to polygamy should not give you a justification to leave if he is otherwise a good husband.

    I find that people in general will ask and discuss another persons situation if you let it. When I discuss my personal situation with friends or family I feel I have let the door open for them to talk and make judgement. Like the other day I took a friend who came to visit a friend of hers there. I don’t know her friend and we were discussing about working overseas, small talk, and her friend says but would your husband take you or the other wife with him, huh who would he choose and she really pressed it like as if she has known me forever. I stayed quiet just shocked that my friend had discussed my life with her and now her friend who is unknown to me thinks she has a right to discuss my life also. I was mad but then I realise it’s my fault for leaving that door open. That’s why I like coming on the blog where I can vent and just not talk to family. Last time I used to talk to them a lot and they supported me when my husband left and convinced me against any kind of reconciliation whilst I was still in my Iddah but then after I gave birth and my iddah was up everyone moved on and I was still left to pick up the pieces of my divorce on my own so I regret that but Alhamdulillah. So yeah maybe just tell people it’s Qadr Allah and say no more.

    It is hard but may Allah ease your pain and guide you through this every step of the way amen.

  • Scorpio83

    November 4, 2015

    Jasmina on a Personal level I have to say intimacy has never been a issue in our relationship so I can honestly say that my husband didn’t marry again for the extra intimacy
    And yes I can relate to you in some terms is the fact that yes half the time he is too tired to even go down that road
    But I always thought cuddling was enough ?

  • Scorpio83

    November 4, 2015

    It’s hard enough having to accept that your husband has decided to marry again, on top of that u bear the grief of having relatives / cousins asking u
    : Why u let him do it
    How u are putting up with it
    How can u carry on living like that
    It really upsets me
    I don’t live with my co wife she lives “back home”
    I know polygamy is allowed in Islam but unfortunately family and relatives are very ignorant in this matter
    I just feel like giving up sometimes just walking away

  • Alison

    November 4, 2015

    Hey Anna am laughing so hard monogamy apparently is on starting tonight was just texted that he is going there so am having a night off in a long while to put my leg up lol
    Hope all’s well

  • jasmina

    November 4, 2015

    On my crabby phone… Will finish my post on computer later.

  • jasmina

    November 4, 2015

    Sallam all.

    Its so interesting to see how different everyone lives yet therea some sort of drama in all. Though u all seem to have pretty understanding husbands when it comes to intimacy whivh makes sense for a polygamous man u would think he likes sex more than the average man. I didnt realise till now how abnormal my man is. Im lucky if he ever has energy to get it on more than couple times a month and even then its all about him. I used to beg but im over him now so i dont. I have never thought of him getting it elsewhere. I.e. The cowife. Which is very naive of me. So much so at times i have wondered if maybe he isnt that much into women but never considered the other wife. I never imagine him being with her. But now that i think about it things werw great during the time she was in her post natal bleeding. Now things r back to “normal”. its so upsetting argh our marriage sucks. Im married to my bff. Who feels like a roommate bachelor that happens to share my bed. I cook clean and nothing else. No enjoyment like sharing dinners or going out together or affection or sitting n enjoying wachothers company… Alhamdulillah. Sigh. Im just glad i dont lose my mind no more. Im so calm now. I stilp feel sadness and i get tears in my eye from time to time but tjats

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2015

    Gail,

    My two cents is that you should let your in-laws back into the home. They mean the world to your husband. They are the grandparents of your children. It’s the Pakistani way. Your husband has sacrificed a lot to do things your way. As you said, you are the exception to the rule. Any other American woman would have been divorced and the Pakistani woman/cousin would have remained. It didn’t happen with you.

    Everyone has to make sacrifices in life. It’s one you could “take for the team” (your husband, his parents and the children). The children would go along with it if they see you are receptive to it and are not unhappy. I don’t think it’s asking much. His parents have already lived with you all these years. What would some more years take from you? They aren’t with you the entire year. I’m sure you’re capable of dealing it. You could make it work and make it nice, God willing. I really think you should go with it…

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2015

    Mari2,

    You and I are a lot alike. My intention is that it would be a cold day in Hell before I’d live any where near a co for my husband and her to watch my comings and goings. I’m of the mindset – out of sight, out of mind. I wouldn’t want to know what they are doing either. He’s allowed to be polygamous and if he does, good for him. Don’t involve me in his and her business. I think even if I were to get along with a woman my husband married, I’d not want to live next door or across the street from her.

    You’re doing the right thing. Don’t feed into that nonsense of contending with the other for your husband’s affection etc. If he’s expecting it, nip it in the bud. It is high school stuff. Who’s got time for that

    Some men are known to like women to fight over them. They like a good cat fight. It does feed their ego and make them feel like a BIG MAN. When women feed into it and go for that type of behavior, it only prolong problems. When men see the women aren’t about it, they settle into polygamy and realizes polygamy is just like monogamy, but two of them LOL It’s not all THAT for men.

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2015

    Aisha,

    It’s fantastic that your co is now talking to you. It’s a step in the right direction. When people live together, they need to get along and communicate or else it’s miserable environment to be in, and no one is happy. No one knows what will happen from one day to the next.

    You were nice to her despite her ugly ways (she was going through a lot). You’d give her the salaam greeting, offering her peace. You did good.

    I’m so happy for you. I pray Allah continues to bless you and your family

    I read the following ayah from the Quran the other morning:

    “Nor can goodness and Evil be equal. Repel (Evil) with what is better: Then will he between whom and thee was hatred become as it were thy friend and intimate!”
    Quran: Surah 41, ayah 34

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2015

    Gail,

    What you posted to Aisha wasn’t too much at all. It was very comical. I enjoy a good laugh 🙂 I see why they call you “Rose”. The name is quite fitting. I agree with them. You tell it like it is, and don’t bite your tongue about it. You’re a very strong person, as well.

    I think how you get over with it (being straightforward and honest with people about your thoughts and feelings) is that you are very humorous in your deliverance. One doesn’t have time to get angry because they want to laugh at how you said it. The funny of it softens the blow.

    I, on the other hand, am very direct and hard in my deliverance. There is nothing soft about it. People either get pissed off at what I say and attack me or they simply just leave the blog. Some come back. Some don’t. Some can’t come back because they are banned. There is only so much I can tolerate of some people and then they get the ax.

    We win some and we lose some. Life goes on. What more can I say

    Getting back to you. You have a nice personality. You’re a likable person

  • Laila

    November 3, 2015

    Gail no I am not in any way angry about your comment to me. It’s just that when I read your posts I get the feeling that you are trying to control everything. I visualize myself as your co and to me it’s crazy. Yes my husband is my co’s first love, and he is also my first love. Both of us have one thing in common, we are old fashioned. I just never dabbled in those sort of relationships before marriage. Beck then I wasn’t Muslim so this was not a problem for me but my parents brought me up in a traditional manner. I
    I’m just saying that when we decide to live together a lot of things are controlled by another wife. Or there would be one wife that tries to dominate. To me that’s not even something that shocks me. It’s something that is normal because women do tend to want to step in and be in-charge. I think what Mari2 is doing is a smart thing. She’s agreed to a same town but not to living in the same home. It creates tension and rivalry. She’s matured enough to know that competing for her husband isn’t something that she will do. But I bet her co might think otherwise.

  • Gail

    November 3, 2015

    Aisha,

    I am truly happy for u girl.I hope and pray she will see the light.I am certain your husband was behind this.Maybe he is making progress we shall see.Don’t take any crap though ok.As far as your BFF have no idea what u r talking about there I can only assume she is part of the blog but I am only assuming.Really happy for u Hugsss……

  • Gail

    November 3, 2015

    Mari2,

    Call his bluff and tell him straight he is an idiot.If he wants to act like a teenager then by all means hang with the teenager wife but when he is at your home u expect him to act like a mature adult.He is acting like he has his own personal haram or something.I really would nip that in a bud.
    U could also tell him his mom and cowife can fight over him and u will sit back and watch it.Grab a bucket of popcorn and drink and u have dinner and a movie hahahahah.G.D bless u Girl I know exactly what u r going through since my crazy nut hubby is paki to

  • Gail

    November 3, 2015

    Laila,

    I never denied I am a control freak.I have no problem in admitting it a million times over because I think there are far worse things than being a control freak.
    Look every Job I ever had I was in a supervisor position before I owned my own businesses.In your case u don’t live with your cowife so u don’t have that problem but in my case I did.Look u r not getting it.I will give u an example I told my son he could not have a rabbit but his uncle went behind my back and bought a bird and a rabbit.I was not trying to be an @ss about the rabbit but I knew rabbit shits small pellets and that is nasty and I told my husband as much.the next thing I know a few weeks go by I am deathly ill and almost died from a double lung infection(I was coughing up blood and being left all day alone) I could not breath normally and how i survived I truly don’t know but the point is I could not clean when I got better I went into the kids room and guess what Rabbit shit everywhere on the floor on the bed under the bed u name it.I went into an instant rage because my cowife was sleeping in that room with the kids(my husband had kicked her out of the room and she was sleeping in the kids room) I was in awe that she could sleep on Rabbit shit and the not even bother to clean the kids room it was a complete and utter mess.Dirty clothes everywhere all over the floor u name it.This is the kind of person I was dealing with so yes u betcha I could not be having all that.Now u might say well live separate but in our case I am raising the kids so I felt like she needed to get with the program and help me out or step off to be frank.
    I try to not focus on peoples bad points and over look them but in her case I felt like I had no choice in the matter.I was trying to to make her to understand she had to blend with the family.When u live joint family u have to blend because u r one family not two and I really needed her to step up but she G.D forgive me she is lazy and I just can’t deal that.I have to have a my home perfect.I can not even deal with a load of laundry needing to be done and this chick she let every single piece of cloth get filthy and even wear dirty clothes before she washed.
    I just wanted her to do right by the kids and do her her duty and help me out.
    As far as me telling hubby to go to her for sex I don’t see anything wrong in that I was trying to give her favor because he was ignoring her to much.
    I hope I didn’t offend u when I mentioned about u saying something to your cowife about having sex with her/your hubby now.I knew u would never tell her anything nasty like that I was just simply thinking maybe u feel a little vengeful since she said that like your husband went slummin to sleep with u and she was not sexing him because he married u.
    One thing I have learned though my ordeal is u just have to really try not to go there with the negative feelings.
    I see it like this and u may or may not I really don’t know but I see life as a school and we r here to learn lessons and take test and try r best to master these life lessons.
    I honestly don’t feel your cowife is bad Laila what I do think is she got really hurt and blindsided by her husband taking another wife.SHe might have been a virgin and her husband might have been her first and if that is the case it would kill a million times more I think than a woman who was not a virgin and had other men.I don’t know your cowife status but my gut feeling the way she has acted seems to indicate she was a virgin when she married him and it cut her to the core.
    I don’t want to call anyone out here but I would be interested to know if their are any wifes on the blog that were virgins when they married their husband and he decided to take another wife.I think that would be more than hell.I honestly honestly would say in that case any woman that deals polygamy being a virgin and dealing her husband in polygamy has to be next to a saint in my opinion

  • Mari2

    November 3, 2015

    Great reads for me this blessed evening. Salam to all sisters here. I think that for me, being older (47), having had experience prior to my first marriage, having been married to a butttt head ex, AND having dealt with polygamy, conversion, and cultural stuff…I have absolutely NO desire to fight with another woman over a man. Ever. There are plenty of men in the world (even muslim ones) and they are all just mortals like me. As much as I love my husband and appreciate his good points, I refuse to be sucked into drama with family or co (which is family lol). I also refuse to let M try to bolster his own ego by expressing idiotic things like how co and I will fight for his attention when she gets here. Really? She might. I will not. M is still pushing for kind of joint living…duplexes, same apt building, houses on the same street. I said no. Same town is fine with a minimum of 5 miles between abodes. I told him today “I don’t desire to know what you are doing and I desire you know not what I do.” The point being he doesn’t get to be with her while getting to look out the window to be sure I am home. Nope. Today M and I had a great lunch and then he said co and I should live in a duplex situation so we could fight over who gets him for the night. Seriously? I told him “what? Now you’re an old testament story? She can have you. Your laundry. Cook for you. And your mom. I’ll take in a movie with friends. I am too mature to care to compete for a man.” He keeps bringing up these “competition” scenarios between co and I, and honestly it’s really beginning to bug. High school was toooooo long ago and I have NO desire to go back.

  • Aisha

    November 3, 2015

    Guess what guys….. My co has started talking to me!!! I’m soooo shocked subhanAllah.. I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone for all the support and advice especially to sister Ana not only for creating this blog but for advising us from the Quran and Sunnah… I pray all those who are struggling with their marriages that Allah swt rewards them for every pain every ache they may feel I pray all our marriages are successful I pray our husbands see the goodness In us I pray we all reach our ultimate goal which is jannah
    Ameen ya rabbal ala’meen
    Love you all for the sake of Allah ❤️

    Ps… I want to just tell my best friend how much I love her.. I am not allowed contact with her but I know she will read this.. I love this woman from the bottom of my heart she has been there for me when I’ve been at my lowest she knows me inside out! I know I haven’t always been there for you especially these 5 months since I’ve been married and now I cannot even speak to you.. But I hope you know i love you and I wish it didn’t have to be this way ;(! You will soon be joining the polygamy life too insha’Allah (let’s just hope you have less drama than me lol) miss you so much.. See you soon insha’Allah X X X X X X

  • Aisha

    November 3, 2015

    No Gail it was not too much at all.. Honestly I appreciate all the advice you gave!!! Your polygamy experience sounds like a heck of a rollercoaster I can’t even keep up with you lol X

  • Laila

    November 3, 2015

    You say a lot about your in-laws Gail but I personally think every family comes with its own set of issues. It is just normal. Sometimes I think trying to value another’s persons cultural differences based on our own is difficult and to some extent not fair. I understand the hang ups your in-laws cause you but then again, which in law is a blessing?! I bet if everyone of us shared stories some of us could actually be shocked. Sometimes this is what I encounter when mixed marriages are concerned. The values and cultural differences is too big and this gives the idea that the whole family is messed up. When in actuality there’s no perfection.

  • Laila

    November 3, 2015

    Gail. I don’t think co-wives need to be BFF to make polygamy of life smooth. Personally I think sometimes the separation is actually good because it gives us our own space and time. I don’t intend to ask her now as to why she’s changed her mind about having it with hubbs. Why should I? What am I going to gain form that action? Remember Gail, every action has a reaction. Why let ourselves be the source for another’s anger? I just feel that before we start throwing silly statements make sure that a few years down the line, we won’t end up eating our own words. Gail, in your case the situation is different. You may not state it but I feel that you were trying to control everyone including your co-wife. You wanted her to act and behave in a way that was acceptable to you. When she went against what you expected, you feel betrayed. By staying together and even telling your husband to have sex with her don’t you think in some manner you’re insulting her? I would feel pissed if I had my co telling my husband when to come to me for sex. As I remember well you wanted to assign like chores or responsibilities for everyone. Now, I don’t think that would have gone well for any co. So even though your idea is based on the needs of the family but personally I think you were trying to control everything.

  • Gail

    November 3, 2015

    Ana,

    Was it tooo much my post to Aisha LOL
    I tell u the truth If I had to describe myself I am the most honest sincere person and will bend over backwards,forwards,sideways u name it to help a person out but I will never give anyone the power to walk over me.
    I am a very very direct person what u see is what u get basically.It;s funny because when I worked in Healthcare my nickname was rose(my Bff gave me that name) I asked her and everyone else why u guys tease me and call me Rose? My BFF blurted out because u r the only person we know that can tell the truth and come out smelling like a ROSE! I just died laughing and the name stuck.
    I have always been the person when all odds are stacked against me somehow I always come out the winner when it looks like I have zero chance.I do attribute it to always doing my sincere best to be honest.I swear to u if I was on the outside looking in logically speaking their is no way in heck my husband should not have divorced me and stayed with his cousin esp since his sister was married with his 1st wife’s brother.By Pakistani standards my chances were pretty much zero but I am still here.Even my husband screams he is leaving in feb and he very well may I have no idea since I may not let his parents stay on the property anymore.I am still debating on it and trying to come up with a reasonable solution to that problem.
    For sure my thinking is very different than most peoples that I am pretty certain of.lol

  • Gail

    November 3, 2015

    Ana,

    It is not my husband he is just a puppet to his family for lack of a better word it’s the inlaws.My FIL has cut ties with entire family with the exception of one brother.He has like 7 or siblings so I find that really strange that he takes issue with all of them but one.The one he don’t take issue with is very slow and gives my MIL all his money and she cares for him and his family.To make all this weirder my MIL has 2 siblings that are married also to two of my FIL siblings that I can think of right off the bat their maybe others not sure as I have not met all their siblings and some have since died off in recent years.Strike that I am remembering three now.Anyway my point is this my inlaws r uneducated and they r also cousin marriage and whatever comes into their head they just go with it.Complete morons and I hate to say that but it’s the truth.
    The reason my husband will not listen to reason and talk to cowife is one he claims he never cared about her and I guess from his past actions that is pretty much about right but that really has nothing to do with him not taking her back because never mind me if his parents told him to he would because remember is under the mother/parents obeying them like a lap dog is a must and well lets face it I am not his parent and heaven is not under my feet for him.
    The real reason none of them are stepping up for cowife has to do nothing with cowife it has to do with my husbands sister.My excowife mother mistreated my husbands sister really bad by calling her a whore and asking her to go get food on credit from the village stores.Those people r dirt poor and in all honesty r one step from begging for food from what my inlaws described(makes u wonder what they thought about their daughter to marry her there but at the time they didn’t know.)
    So the bottom line reason is they mistreated my sis inlaw(insulted her and used her to get money through my inlaws and tortured her because my husband refused to divorce me.)Her MIL/cowife mom even had her call here to USA and had her tell my husband that she/sister inlaw had been thinking and he should divorce me.My husband said to his sister what r u talking? Now I did not know all this that time and when my husband took me to Pakistan without disclosing everything that had transpired and I had to find out after the fact obviously I flipped my lid because here i was trying to make Polygamy work thinking cowife and her family were on board.
    I don’t think I have really went into details before on the blog about just how much injustice I went through because honestly I don’t feel the need to make her/cowife and her mom out to be a B@tchs which they obviously are no doubt.
    If my inlaws took cowife back and her family and keep in mine cowife mom is my FIL sister my inlaws would have to eat crow.My inlaws are considered very rich in Pakistan and they r just not going to bow down or let a some village people/poor sister get the better of them.So this is why they decided to take my sister inlaws divorce.
    Now in saying all this I am the type of person that believes if u make a choice for your life u should stick to it.Esp when u have so many lives hanging in the balance.
    This will not be my sister inlaws 1st divorce it will be her second and I seriously doubt they are even going to bother to try to find her another husband.I time divorce is bad enough but come on 2 times divorced from different men in Pakistan she is considered nothing more than a common whore basically.She was innocent in this scheme understand? I blame my husband for ruining her and her daughters life.I find it unacceptable and very cowering when a man makes a life choice and just cowers and runs at the first sign of distress.I find it weak to be frank.I see my husband as a looser and I am very verbal with him that I think he is a looser to destroy so many lives.
    I blame my husband and his parents for this entire cluster F@ck mess!! I hope I explained the reason why clear enough as to why they refuse to take excowife back.It really has nothing to do with excowife as much as it has to do with excowife mom and my sister inlaw.

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2015

    Aisha,

    Try not to worry. If she is intentionally trying to disrupt your time, and is not trying to get herself right by serving Allah, she will continue to suffer. Whether she is faking or not, she is not happy, which is causing her to behave as she does. It’s no excuse. She will have to account to Allah for what she does.

    It’s important that you keep turning to Allah for guidance as to whether to stay in the marriage or leave it. It’s good that you are establishing a nice relationship with your mom in case you will have to rock and roll (leave the marriage). You’ll have someplace to go.

    For your husband to have had two divorces already indicates no one is going to put up with your co-wife’s shenanigans. He need to remain monogamous with her, if he is going to cater to her as he does and neglect his other wives. It’s not a good situation.

    You really do need your own home so you won’t be disrupted by her; although it may not work, as he may leave your home to go run to her. He’s being wrapped around her finger. It’s not good for either of them.

    As I said before, Allah knows what’s happening. He’ll deal with it. Leave it in His hands. Just do your part with regard to worshiping Allah.

  • Aisha

    November 3, 2015

    Ok well she is pregnant but the crying is just TOO much.. I know she’s hurting but crying the way she does at 2am is defo for attention.. I know this because she did it not long ago whilst hubby was with me as soon as he left the home the tears had gone I was sooo shocked lol and a few times she’s done it I’ve gone to her to confort her and seriously it’s just noise no tears.. My husband is soooo bipolar (not literally) but his mood changes soooo fast one minute he will be fine the next he will make me feel like I’ve done something so wrong.. It’s crazy subhanAllah.. But I know that’s his personality.. If 100% I don’t know what good comes from this marriage.. It hasn’t been good for my deen or my this life.. The worst thing is it’s only been 5 months guys! What will happen in a few years time if we are still married? I’ll either end up in a mental home or murdered by my co..

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2015

    Gail,

    I can’t understand why your in-laws don’t tell your husband to remarry the ex-co/cousin. He listens to them. Is the reason he won’t do it because of the family feud? Is it still going on? Have your tried to reach out to her? It’s strange.

    @Aisha,

    Do you think your co is faking it or for real? There is just not that much crying in the world…

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2015

    Gail,

    Your last post to Aisha had me dying with laughter. You’re just as crazy as a bedbug LOL

  • Gail

    November 3, 2015

    Ana,

    Here is the real kicker that i always thought weird all those yrs.the first year she could not speak English but when we came back a yr later she could speak perfect english but strangely she never spoke it around hubby.If she was speaking english when hubby entered the room she would either get up and walk out or she would start speaking punjabi.I thought it strange all those yrs but never really focused on it to much.When I would ask her something around hubby in english she would ask in Punjabi first so yeah she fooled him straight up! lol Even my husband knows I try to never lie and he believed her over me if u can imagine.TOtally blew my mind that time.

  • Gail

    November 2, 2015

    Aisha,

    Your cowife seems like a real piece of work she’s nuts I tell ya NUTS! lol
    Seriously though u tell your husband u thought about it and u r fine to tell your cowife sorry for whatever the heck u were suppose to do to her IFFF she tells u sorry and stops crying on your nights.U call her out on her BS Aisha.
    Aisha I do agree with your husband u should never lie.Lying is the most identifiable form of weakness.A person only lies because they are scared.Don’t be scared Aisha be brave and take the bull by the horns and don’t let anyone walk over u.Your cowife is not better than u equal yes but never better than u so please don’t lie be brave and look your husband in the eye and tell him straight yeah I did it andddddddddddddddd.
    I will be honest I don’t like your husband he seems like a control freak so if I were u I would leave cowife in the dust and take ole hubby on and beat him at his own game.If he wants to be divorced 20 times thats his business not yours.
    I can understand him divorcing one wife that a person can look past but 2 times no way he has some major control issue if u ask me so u better be careful because he had kids with those women and did not care about his kids that’s just wrong.
    You come across as a very sincere lady don’t u dare bow down to a man that has divorced two wives u hold your head high and u tell it like it is sister and let the chips fall where they may is my advice and that goes for your whining sniffling cowife.
    I believe in being loving and caring and going out of your way for someone esp a cowife and a husband but not like this where u r getting walked on nope screw that.

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2015

    Gail,

    You are just toooo funny lol

    My question is how long does Aisha’s husband have to go comfort the woman before he comes to his senses and realizes she is faking or really needs help. It has to be exhausting for her. I get exhausted just reading about her boo hooing.

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2015

    cici,

    I hear you and agree. We just have to see how the script plays out. We do what we are supposed to or can do and that’s it. We can do no more.

    About him waiting for his wife to get right before moving forward with you, she ain’t going to get right that way. It takes years for wives who married first to get right. Some NEVER get right. You may end up an old lady waiting for him to get her right.

  • Gail

    November 2, 2015

    Ana,

    I am pretty certain why Aisha’s cowife is acting all a fool crying like a two yr old that it is for attention only and she is laughing inside at her idiot husband.
    This is the part of Polygamy that really burns me up! If a man wants to practice Polygamy ok fine and dandy but when they act like 2 yr olds themselves and go along with the offending wife that just makes me want to beat the Hell on them.
    My husband saw cowife acting out I told him as much and he said nasty everytime What u want me to do about it.I was like r u freaking kidding me.THat is the reason I got put out so fast that time.In my case my cowife decided to speak Punjabi instead of english and told hubby she don’t know english well enough to speak it.When hubby told me that I told him r u insane or just retarded because u know well I told u I been talking to her all these yrs and her english was fine and U know I don’t know enough Punjabi to hold a chat much less an indepth conversation.He did not believe me then we come back to USA and she MSG me on my FB ID and starts just chatting away telling me how much of a Son of a Biscuit eater my husband is and I made my husband sit and watch her type in english.lol
    I turned to him and said u shocked he said yeah of course and I just looked at him and said your STUPID! He knew for a fact it was her and knownone else typing because she was talking intimate things.
    Really Men astound me and blow my mind!

  • cici

    November 2, 2015

    @Ana,

    If I were asked whether or not I intend to marry him, the answer is yes. In fact Im having a lot of reading to at least mentally prepared myself on the consequence of this decision, be it good or otherwise. And that explains why i stick with this blog. a lot of experience has enriched me theoriticaly on poligamy, but I have yet to see how to get the ball rolling between me and the guy.

    He wants to give some time for his wife, and from my end, I’m not pushing him to bring our relationship to next level .Yes, I still have some reservation, maybe it will happen between us, but maybe not. But as you said a lot of times, the script has been written by Him, and im waiting for it to play exactly as it is written.

    I believe that is how i put my efforts to being empathy-to give her time to digest, even it helps just little to her. Speaking of whihc, I wud like to know how to be compassion to her from your point of view?

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2015

    Aisha,

    I was just thinking; if your co cries like a baby every time your husband is in the bedroom getting it on with you and he leaves you to go to her, how many times does he intend for it to happen before he does something to try to bring about a change? I know you are not him, so you can’t answer. It may be something you should ask him though? If she is not faking and carrying on for attention, I’d think the woman is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I understand a wife carrying on the way she does at the onset of her marriage becoming polygamous, BUT, come on… This has been going on for months, right? She needs some serious help. He really need to think seriously about giving you both separate homes, if not for any other reason than her sanity. Who know? She may go absolutely crazy and harm one of you physically or harm herself. I’m concerned about her, now that I’ve given it more thought.

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2015

    Hi cici, 🙂

    I had to go back and read your previous post to refresh my memory. I see that I forgot to thank you before for your kind words and the nice things you said about the blog. You wrote the day before I left for vacation, which is why I missed replying. Thank you, again.

    About his wife, I feel for her. She is going through an awful lot that you wouldn’t be able to imagine unless it happened to you. Polygamy is no joke. I’m not saying you or anyone else think it is. It’s just an expression. Polygamy is soooo very serious when it comes to a wife accepting that her husband will marry another. Being confronted with it can bring out the ugly in any woman. It’s good in a sense if the woman is knowledgeable of Islam. It could bring about a lot of good in the long run. The wife has to get through the tough, rough part of it before she can be on the receiving line of all the good that she has to gain.

    Try to empathize with her although you don’t know what exactly she is going through. Take the words of those here who have described to you what she is dealing with. She’s only contact you and is silent on the other end of the phone or pleading for you not to marry her husband because she is in a tremendous amount of pain – pain that you can’t even begin to imagine. You wouldn’t want to wish it on your worse enemy. I suggest you show some compassion.

    Have you decided what you intend to do – marry him or not? I think it’s probably easier for the wife when the husband and his intended go ahead and marry, so you all could begin to live the lifestyle instead of you all hanging around, messing around with it. Of course, no one can do anything other than what Allah decides. We can only make our intention and go about the day to day and see how it all pans out.

    @Monroe, As Salaamu Alaikum 🙂

    I just saw the very nice post you wrote, as well, about the blog. Thank you much, Sis. As I have always said and will say, this blog would be nothing without all the wonderful people who write here. Without the writers there would be nothing for anyone to read. You all go out on the limb and put your situations out there that helps others. Thank you!

    God is Great!

  • cici

    November 2, 2015

    Hi Ana,

    it’s good to be back in the surface of the discussion. things get funny nowadays. the wife urged me to break up my relationship with her husband but in the meantime it’s her who keep on contacting me out of nowhere. sometimes she called and be silent when I pick up. obviously I hv zero communication with her husband while in her presence.I`m perplexed, sister. LOL.

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2015

    Aisha, you are amazing, too so are all the wonderful ladies here.

  • Aisha

    November 2, 2015

    Thank you so much ana.. You are an amazing person MashaAllah .. May Allah swt grant you the best of both worlds! Ameen ❤️

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2015

    Aisha,

    When I come across Muslims who won’t return the salaams, it lets me know a lot about their faith. They are SERIOUSLY lacking in faith. If a Muslim can’t do the most basic, elementary thing as return the salaam, it speaks volume. We as Muslims are supposed to say Salaamu Alaikum and return the greeting to one another for a reason. Firstly, because Allah tells us to. It is a greeting to bring about peace between people. When a Muslim refuses to return the greeting, the person doesn’t hurt the other. She hurts her own soul. She disobeys Allah. She refuses to obey a command of Allah. Allah says in the Holy Quran:

    “When a (courteous) greeting is offered you, meet it wit a greeting still more courteous, or (at least) of equal courtesy. Allah takes a careful account of all things.” Quran: Surah 4, ayah 86

    She’s not hurting you, by not returning the greeting. She is hurting herself. She is defying Allah.

    Aisha, one needs to wonder why your co is continuing to suffer so much. She apparently isn’t doing anything to help get better. I’d simply suggest that you hang in there with here crying her eyes out. You can’t stop it. BUT, DO KNOW, Allah sees, hears and knows all things. She is not getting away with anything by interrupting your time by crying like a baby. I understand she is hurt and having a very difficult time. There isn’t much you could do about it. Continue to give her the salaam – not to jerk her around – but with sincerity in wanting peace. Continue to be cordial and do nice things – sincerely to please Allah. You want to protect your own soul. When you do good things, seeking the pleasure of Allah, you get barakats (rewards, blessings) for it. Stay mindful of Allah. It’s the key.

    It’s so exciting knowing you and your husband are planning a holiday. I pray you and he and a fantastic time. It’s good, as well that you and your mom are getting along really good. Moms are special. Good for you!

  • Scorpio83

    November 2, 2015

    Yes Aisha that was me ☺️

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2015

    Scorpio83,

    It’s good to know the stories and advice you get here are helpful. Please know we are here for you. The majority of us who speak here know what you are going through. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask or if you just want to talk, go ahead and do so, Insha Allah.

    You will find that friends and family most likely will give you advice that will only prolong your pain. They may express their negative thoughts about your husband and it may help you feel better for a MOMENT. In the long wrong, it doesn’t help.

    It would be nice if there was a magic potent to make everything better, but, as you know, there is none. What you go through has to be gone through by you. How long the pain and anguish last depends on you and the relationship that you establish with Allah. You’re doing good in praying (your 5 daily prayers) and zikring. You have to persevere. Change won’t happen over night, but you will begin to feel better. You could be tested to see how sincere you are in wanting to serve and worship Allah. You must truly and sincerely want to serve and worship Allah, not only to feel better because you are in a pickle right now. Your intention must be to worship and serve Allah ALWAYS. Allah very well could want good for you, which is why He has placed you in this situation. You could be a chosen one for Paradise/Janah.

  • Aisha

    November 2, 2015

    Scorpio.. Sis you’re not alone.. You can still speak to your husband about how you feel he isn’t your husband any less just bcus he got married again I’m sure he will appreciate you talking to him! I think when your husband isn’t with you its soo important to keep yourself busy..
    Sorry correct me if I’m wrong but was you who said you’re from the uk?

  • Aisha

    November 2, 2015

    Wow Ana if you wasn’t on the other side of the world right now I give you a good squeeze subhanAllah you’re SOOOO right I didn’t even think of it like that! I haven’t done anything to her.. In fact I haven’t been overly friendly but I haven’t been a bitch to her either I still offer to help her out here and there but she doesn’t respond even to my salaam I find it quite funny now.. Last night was my night she spent the whole night bawling her eyes out it was literally like someone had died.. She does this on my nights so that my husband would go to her and confort her and sadly she gets what she wants.. Ahhh I can’t wait to move out insha’Allah!!! Me and my mother are getting on really well Allahumaa baarik that’s another reason why co can’t stand me anymore!
    Me and my husband are planning a holiday away I just hope he doesn’t suggest taking her along!!! It’s my night off tonight hence why I’m messaging away gosh I feel so naughty lol xxx

  • Scorpio83

    November 2, 2015

    All your Personal stories and advice are very helpful,
    But the reality to my situation is my family are not supportive one bit, I don’t have much of a social life which means I don’t really have any one that close to me who I can share my feelings with.
    Praying and doing zikr does help but only to a certain extent
    Unfortunately my only support in life at the moment is my husband and too see him marrying again for whatever reason just makes me feel “alone”
    I am the type of person who craves affection, to be loved in a sense
    I have been knocked back from my own family to the few friends I did used to have.

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2015

    Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, 🙂

    Girl, you better be sorry for not getting back to us sooner. We were worried about you LOL I’m so happy you are back, but most of all I am very happy you and your husband got a chance to spend three lovely nights together just the two of you. How fantastic is that? You got that right that living separately is a million times better. I never lived with a co, but I don’t have to in order to know there is a huge difference. It could be what he needed to see that it would be best for you two wives to have your own homes. Keep praying. Allah is the only ONE who could make it happen for you. I think you’re making a good INTENTION not to have a child just yet until you get a better feel for where your marriage is going. Good for you in giving your marriage a last shot. I have a feeling you and he may be able to work it out.

    It was smart of you to lay low in order not to have him find out about the blog. I think, the same as you, that it could get very ugly for you, if he were to discover you have been talking here. Make sure you clear the history on the phone.

    About apologizing to your co about any misunderstanding, did you do something that warrants an apology? I never understood when people say they do stuff “FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH”. What does that mean??? Allah doesn’t need us to do anything for Him. Anything we do that is good is for the benefit of our own soul. The doing stuff “for the sake of Allah” is a saying that gets tossed around regularly and the saying is erroneous and makes no sense. Muslims are in a habit of repeating what they hear without investigating and without knowing what they are saying and what it means. I know you’re not responsible for what your husband said. I just have heard that saying so often and know it’s not right.

  • Aisha

    November 2, 2015

    Asalaam Alaykum guys.. I’ve been quite for a while as my phone is hacked by my husband and I do not want him to know about this blog as I’m 100% it would turn ugly.. My co wife went to her mums for 3 nights and oh my I had the best 3 days with my husband.. Ladies let me tell you living separately is a million times better.. I’m certain even my husband enjoyed spending alone time.. I’m not working on getting my own house I keep mentioning it to him.. Alhamdulilah he has got over the whole lying incident.. Hope you are all well insha’Allah..
    I mentioned my husband had two previous wives and someone asked me if he had children with them… Yes he did 1 with each wife and he still divorced them.. Both children wer babies when their parents separated so I don’t plan on getting pregnant anytime soon.. My husband asked me to apologise to my co for any misunderstandings he said to do it for the sake of Allah.. Im still deciding if I should or not.. I’m giving my very last shot at this marriage it’s either make up or break up.. I’m sorry I didn’t get to back to you ladies sooner xx

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2015

    Gail,

    I don’t think ummof4’s current co, nor the ex-co has children by the husband. I don’t think her current co lives in another country. I think the co is fairly close by. Insha Allah, ummof4 may be reading, and will pop in to speak on it.

    About Laila, the impression I got is that her husband is involved in wishful thinking that Laila and the other will eventually get over their differences and be friends. He’s questioning what is taking it so long. He’s apparently been living in his head with that one. He’s been thinking it’s only a matter of time before they be BFF. It’s what I gathered from what she said.

    I think Laila is right in telling him that she’s not going to start kissing the other’s butt. Bull crap with that. If I were Laila, I wouldn’t approach that woman. She’d have to come to me for me to think about being on friendly terms with her. Usually something drastic has to occur for some co-wives to come together. It seems it’s what needs to happen, if Laila and the co have any chance of being on friendly terms with each other. Who knows?

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2015

    @Gail,

    I totally understand your position. You are not Muslim and shouldn’t be expected to live as one. No one should force anyone to live a certain way. As long as no one is a hurting anyone, they should be left alone. I could imagine the problems in trying to live with cultural and religious difference all mixed up in one home. I got a chuckle reading your post.

    The strange thing is that your children live the American way, wearing swim suits etc. I don’t understand how the in-laws expect your daughter to shave her public hairs. If she wears a swim suit and is living the American culture, why is it important that she shaves there? It doesn’t make sense. Clearly the children aren’t Muslim.

  • Gail

    November 2, 2015

    Laila,

    Oh girl in your case I would never say u should live with your cowife.I don’t think she likes u as a person simply because u married her husband which is childish and I think u feed into it sometimes maybe even not realizing u do like u mentioning/teasing u would like to say something to her about now deciding to have sex with her husband.U two Gals are never going to be BFF and that is ok.U don’t have children with your hubby and her kids are grown or nearly grown.U and Ana are riding in the same boat pretty much.I am not really sure about Ummof4 I don’t know much about her cowife and if her husband has children with her cowife or not.All I know is her cowife I think lives in a different country and they get along decently.
    I have notice when u have 2 women that have very strong dominating personalities they don’t tend to get along in a cowife situation it seems(I might be wrong but it seems to me it is the case).
    Are u still trying to have a baby? I don’t know what your husband meant bye how long is this going to go on? Did u make nasty remark about your cowife and he said that?I can’t imagine him wanting u to ladies to actually live together.I am curious what he meant by that statement.

  • Gail

    November 2, 2015

    Ana,
    Yes I respect where u r coming from and I am certain it is a hard job to moderate the blog.I also get where u ladies being Muslim have guidelines that u have to follow regarding sexual activities and nakedness as well and I totally 100% respect that.I will admit my thinking is complete opposite in that area and do not give it any thought on nakedness at all.I just don’t get caught up in all that.Which is a great point I don’t like the inlaws living in the same home with us because my kids and I and hubby like to run around half naked.We have never put restrictions on us about being fully clothed around the house.I mean we don’t run around completely naked but it is nothing to see the boys running in shirts with no shirt around the home.My daughter wears Bikini’s swimming.I run around with shorts and shirt the majority of the time but obviously my inlaws never.
    I am totally Americanized and I love my American roots of being easy going however I get that my husbands culture is way more conservative.
    It’s funny because this is the main reason my inlaws r getting the boot is because they B!tch at my kids for being naked.My father inlaw walked in my daughter B!tching at her because she left the door open when she was getting dressed.That was the VERYYY last straw for me when my daughter came to me telling me that he was harassing her and before that my MIL was trying to get my Daughter to Nair her vaginal area.I flat screamed at my MIL to back off and when I told my husband to step in and stop this nonsense he said I was in the wrong and started taking up for his mom after that I told him straight they are out of my home and that is it and if he don’t like it he is free to go live with them and I mean it.I am not going to live that lifestyle it’s just not for me.I don’t go to their home in Pakistan bossing all those kids around and disturbing others and I don’t want it in my home.

  • Laila

    November 2, 2015

    Gail, I think sometimes people learn and realize. They have those moments where they realize that years have passed and what did they achieve? Nothing. She still has a stonewall attitude and the other day hubbs asked me as to how long we would continue like this. I told him, forever. I am not about to break my back and try to form some form of communication to be ignored and treated like crap. No offense to any of you ladies here, but in regards to the joint living I just will not accept it. It’s like opening a can of worms. As close as co-wives can get, let’s face it. Women will be women! There will be a lot of emotions and issues that will need to be addressed. Sometimes addressing these issues can break a persons spirit.

    Monroe, you are feeling it because you all live together. Living together has many benefits but then again, because you do you will be able to see many things that you will not agree to. Question is, can you accept it? Sometimes when we say we are okay with some things it doesn’t really seem that way. We are talking to convince ourselves. Be open if you think deep down this isn’t working for you. I too had many issues when I newly got married. It eat me alive daily because I felt that speaking up would make me look bad. I’ve learnt that it’s okay to speak up. It is also healthy to have a stand and keep to it. Keeping things bottled up is not a good way.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Gail,

    Initially I was restrictive on the topic and how much you should discuss. Then, remember I loosened the restriction, as you should be able to speak freely, as well. If I think it’s over the top, Insha Allah, I’ll let you know. I don’t want to be tyrannical. The job of moderating isn’t exactly easy unless one is the type that approve anything and everything that comes though – a free for all. Of course, we’re not that type of blog. As I mentioned before to everyone here, we have structure, which I believe is important.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Gail,

    It’s easy to get the commentators mixed up. I think it was Aisha who said her co-wife show her ??? something or another. She mentioned the Arabic word. I took it to be her private parts. I know that when co wives live in the same home, they need to be careful about how they move about the home (how they dress) because they are not people listed in the Holy Quran as those to be in a state of undress in front of.

    I think wives should be able to move about in their homes with their husbands comfortably, which is another reason the women are to have their own homes. There are time of undress noted in the Quran that pertains to children and when they must ask permission to enter a room, as well. The Quran is quite detailed about what is important. The issue about undress has to do with protecting us, as we are to be modest.

  • Gail

    November 1, 2015

    Monroe,

    No I didn’t take personal at all u r welcome to ask anything.I just want to respect the blog and Ana’s wishes and not go so much into my personal sex life.I hope u understand.
    I also took it as u had a smaller home.Look I didn’t mean u have something wrong in your heart against your cowife when u know your hubs is busy with her I just meant to say don’t sit and think to much about it to where it festers into something more than it is understand.Yeah it is normal to be upset but try to take it deeper and figure out what it is that is making u break in a million pieces.I mean is your cowife good with u or is she nasty?I think i remember u saying u and her r on good terms.I get u and Aisha mixed up but I think u have the good cowife and the decent life.
    Did u mention your husband has been divorced??? I can’t remember.

  • Gail

    November 1, 2015

    Laila,

    I agree men will say anything been there witnessed that.If a woman believes everything that is uttered from her husbands lips she is going to be very disappointed when the truth comes out.
    I think it is good your cowife is giving in and learning some life lessons that is way cool! I get where she would have thought of as being nasty since she was having a hard time dealing with polygamy.I think just take it as she is learning life lessons I really think this is soo cool if indeed u r right.I would suggest as much as u might like don’t rub it in her face this must be a hugeeee step for her personally.I know she rubs u the wrong way alot but I say take one for the team this time lol

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Bedroom or bathroom who cares? The point is you locked him in a room to converse with him. We comment on what people say here. It’s what blogging is about.

  • Gail

    November 1, 2015

    Ana,

    At first when I found out and seen he was not crazy about her I was happy deeply satisfied to be frank but I am a very spiritual person and something kept mentally disturbing me to the point that I started feeling bad for her and seeing why she acted out the way she did.I don’t condone what she did towards me but I understand it.
    I see it like this truly I do…. I have come to believe it is important for my soul and I say my soul because I can’t speak for others that if I were to enter Polygamy then I need to do it by heart.I would need my husband not only to love my cowife but I would need to love her as well from a spiritual perspective.I don’t want to waste my life being filled with jealousy,anger ,and strife I ahve come to see that is just insane because life is to short.
    SO the answer to your question about was it easier for me knowing my husband didn’t love her.At the start Heck YEAH!! but after G.D spoke to my heart about it I changed my views and now just feel horrible and pray G.D gives her a decent life.I learned my lesson for sure in that mess.
    As far as my inlaws Girl I am like Mari2 and I am conflicted I don’t want them in my everyday life but on the flip side I just got over cancer and worse than that I am fighting a stomach illness that has no cure so the jury is still out do i deal the crap because of my poor health or do I say enough and let it all go.I doubt I can deal them to be honest.I gave alot to my marriage and I imagine it will end in divorce because I refuse to accept his family or deal with them.He can’t do anything to help his cousin/wife then I can’t help him with his parents.I feel G>D putt his chasm their between us.I don’t know how it will play out.
    I see it like this and this may sound bad BUTTT I don’t give a flying leap if he loves her or not she is part of our family.This was his brilliant idea Polygamy NOT MINE And NOT HERS and he should have manned up! It is not acceptable in my book to not be a flexible and to act like a jackass.Polygamy is hard work and it is trial and error and alot of patience involved to give up was not an option in my book.I do not respect him for doing what he did.I hope this explains my thoughts.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Monroe,

    It’s no big deal. You’re the only one who really needs to understand it. You’re either content with your living conditions or aren’t. Most of us here have simply said co-wives living under the same roof is not the Islamic way. Based on all the material out there, there is no indication that it’s the way Muslims are supposed to live. It was not the way of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). It is the way of unbelievers.

    Allah tells us everything we need to know in the Holy Quran.In the Quran Allah spells out who we can be in a state of undress in front of. The individuals are listed. No where are co-wives listed. Family members are. Modesty and chastity is a huge part of Islam. A wife knowing when the other is getting it on is not very appetizing. You previously said you get in your vehicle and leave sometimes when you know they are getting busy. Now you’re saying you live in this huge home and have plenty of privacy. Which is it? You figure it out. You’re the one who is going to have to make your intent as to how you want to proceed. We could only share our thoughts about it. There is no need for you to get huffy with everyone.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Laila,

    Just think. Who did she really hurt by not having sex with him? She deprived herself. She took herself through changes – for what? It’s interesting that after all these years, she came to her senses.

    About believing what a husband says, I go with what Allah says – those who trust should put their trust in Him. Allah is the only one I trust 100% Everyone else is questionable.

  • Monroe

    November 1, 2015

    Y’all are reading too much into my words good greif that’s because we have a big family they don’t live with us but they live in the neighbourhood and come over a lot and my first co can come and go anywhere throughout the house when she likes I don’t want her or the children to walk into something or other family therefore I lock my husband in the bedroom I never said bathroom who chats in the bathroom like come on. I’d be sure to post a blue print next time I pop in to minimise the confusion

  • Laila

    November 1, 2015

    Dear Mari2. When I read about your MIL I just felt like how could you stand that whole thing? Scraps on the floor and chicken bones under the bed?! Oh my God!! ….. It must have drove you crazy. It would have made me mad. That is so unhygienic.

  • Laila

    November 1, 2015

    Ana, about the lying part I have to share. Hubbs used to always tell me that after marrying me, so many things were said and done between them that they no longer do it. I used to be a bit perplexed. I mean how does she get her needs then? Then to make things more weird, once she blurted over the phone and told me that she would never have sex with him. Because she now looks at him as being dirty for doing it with me. Can you imagine that?! But I think recently they have started again, and I can feel it. As they say a wife will have her instincts. So in many ways I am so tempted to tell her, who’s entertaining the dirty right now? I always tell hubbs. A man will say whatever it is so as to con a woman into thinking that she is the ONE. How will say it to keep peace or to get the wife’s love and attention. But at the end of the day, the first wife is still his wife. So why create drama? Why create illusions? I understand that he is hurt by her behaviour but I refuse to believe everything uttered. That to me is stupidity to the highest order.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Sis Monroe,

    The only reason anyone would probably think your living quarters wasn’t that spacious is due to the way you previously described your circumstances. You said you had to lock him in the bathroom to have a private conversation with him. You said if he and she aren’t in the family room, he’s in her room getting busy, so to speak. It gives the impression that you didn’t have much privacy.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    I think if one accepts all that is in the Holy Quran one accepts polygamy. “Acceptance” is not about a husband, a co-wife or anything else other than Allah. Accepting Allah’s decrees/His commands is what acceptance is about. Being content with whatever Allah presents us with. It’s contentment with ENTHUSIASM. Disliking something that Allah decrees and only dealing with it is not acceptance. Acceptance comes with Faith in Allah. We can only have faith in Allah when we know what He says in the Holy Quran.

    Most Muslims who are here on this blog are trying to get to the point of acceptance with enthusiasm, and have no complaints about what Allah has decided. We are on a journey, journeying on towards Allah. We’re all trying to help one another get there. Polygamy is just a small, itsy, bitsy, tiny part of Islam. Nonetheless, it’s a part that we as Muslims/Believers must accept. The Quran is somewhat like our road map leading to Jannah/Paradise.

  • Monroe

    November 1, 2015

    Thank u sis ana that’s All I was trying to say. If one was in my shoes do they think they would feel a type of way about it point blank. It’s just something I need to work on period other than that I think I’ve accepted everything else polygamy has to offer.
    Oh and about the living arrangements we both own entire floors. 4 bedrooms including a master bedroom, kitchen 3 bathrooms and den living room the first floor is like a guest floor 3 bedrooms and an office library. So I have a lot of privacy I think when one mentions living in one house they automatically think a tiny cottage and everyone is all up in everyone’s face. As far as decorations I actually specialise in interior designing so I did the entire house. I feel like this house is my own as this section was just built during my engagement I was the first to live in it the rest of the house was passed on for generations in my husbands family. I don’t think just because I’m having a small defect with one part of polygamy means I don’t accept it at all or something is wrong with me or I’m secretly hating somethings in polygamy it’s not my character. Sis Gail if for any reason u thought I was offending u I apologise that was not my intent I was just giving an example to explain our beliefs differ.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Gail,

    One more thing I need to say. You are unable to see polygamy from an Islamic perspective because you view polygamy as an entity all in itself. Polygamy is a part of Islam. It is part of a Muslims way of life. It is part of the Holy Quran. A Muslim is to accept the entire Quran and not only the part that he or she likes. As you are not Muslim and don’t believe in the Quran, you couldn’t possibly grasp the concept of polygamy the way a Muslim/Believer would. Many Muslims don’t accept polygamy either because they don’t know their religion.

    The Mormons embrace polygamy as it is part of their religion. My understanding is the Mormons believe the more wives the men have the better chance they have of entering Heaven and a woman cannot enter Heaven unless she is married. An unmarried woman doesn’t go to Heaven. Men inherit women as well. It’s my understanding.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Monroe,

    Yes, I understood what you were saying. You didn’t stutter.

    You darn tootin, if I were in your shoes, I’d feel some type of way.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Gail,

    About your marriage, it’s seems your husband is torn. He doesn’t want to lose you, yet he knows he could not live without his parents with him. It’s like a Mari2 type situation. The parents go where he goes.

    No one needs to tell you of all people, Pakistani men are beholden to their parents. I learned it from you. Knowing it, are you willing to sacrifice and let them live with you? The ball seems to be in your court. How do you intend to proceed?

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Gail,

    You don’t have to shut up and sit down. I like hearing your thoughts and how you feel. I’m glad we can all kick stuff around and know where one another is coming from

    I must say, you left one very important thing out – your husband. You said you think it would not work out unless your ex-co accepts polygamy. It seems to me that your husband has made it perfectly clear that he wants NO PART of your ex-co-wife. It sounds he may be turned off by her, based on what you have shared. It’s not as though he’s banging down any door trying to get to her or flying off to Pakistan for her. He is clearly a monogamous man. He has had every opportunity to get back with her to the point of almost pleading for him to do so, if I may. You have spoken with him ooo goo gobs of times about him taking her back for the children sake. He is adamant about not wanting her. You could say there is a family vendetta going on that prevents him from taking the ex-co back. I think he simply doesn’t desire her. He has no feelings for her.

    Gail, do you think the reason you are receptive to her now is because you saw for yourself that she is clueless and he doesn’t love her? It would certainly make a wife feel better about accepting another knowing the other poses no threat. I’m just saying, I’d love to know how you would feel knowing the ex-co had a clue and your husband loved her more than life itself. It’s not the case, of course. It’s just a hypothetical

  • Gail

    November 1, 2015

    Ana,
    One more thing then I will shut up and sit down lol
    My thinking was that in my poly marriage since her and I both had kids with him it was better for us to stick it out for the sake of the family unit.YES I got screwed my husband used me for immigration but my thinking was if I forced him to get rid of her then it would be a nightmare for her to find another husband not to mention she could not ever see the kids again.I felt it was just morally and ethically wrong in our case so that is why I had such a hard time with all this.
    My husband says oh she is having a good ole time she is not crying etc.. well how does he know her heart or a mothers heart.I really feel because he did not accept Polygamy it is going to come back to bite him in the future through the kids.

  • Gail

    November 1, 2015

    Ana,

    I totally agree with u that in theory someone can accept polygamy and not think it is for them.I am on the fence about it not really sure if I would ever accept it to be honest.I agree also I married with the idea of my husband being with me everyday I could not let that one slide.All I know is I get the concept of Polygamy but maybe not in the islamic perspective totally if that makes any logical sense lol.Like I don’t agree with a man just bringing home any woman and tossing her at u and saying this is my wife I mean WTF I have no say in this REALLY that would just set all my alarm bells going off.I would not handle my husband mixing up with another woman and me not being involved simply because I find that to be very shallow.I could not accept that he did something behind my back.These r the very issues in my marriage that i scream at him about now.I might be fine if he came to me and said he saw someone or met someone and was honest upfront but if he did behind my back nope I would take a person bigger than me to accept it I feel.
    My opinion on polygamy is totally different than yours in the fact that it is a must we all live together and be a one family unit and everyone be a team player because in my world it really boils down at the end of the day to my kids and them getting their financial needs met.My husband and I are both work driven people and I just don’t have the time for some women that is not even remotely related by blood to us to share half of everything.I feel that belongs to my children.That is the exact reason I accepted cowife but not really polygamy for myself.
    I do disagree with u in the fact that I have to accept polygamy because my husband is allowed up to 4 wives and I don’t have to like them etc… That is where my ideas and Islamic ideas part ways u can say because I seen most Muslim woman really don’t accept their cowife and I think it has to deal alot with what I just mentioned.Having your cowife thrown on u like u have no say and to me that is crap.YEah hubby has a right to marry ok fine I accept it but it don’t mean he gets to totally choose and pick someone I would be repulsed with.That is so not fare.I really think polygamy is fine it just should be more of a team effort in my opinion.
    Everyone feels different and these r just my own feelings on the topic

  • Gail

    November 1, 2015

    Monroe,

    Yes u r correct in what u read.Out of respect for Ana and the blog I don’t really go into that into detail but I will tell u this much about that experience which helped me a million times over to accept polygamy and that was in that situation I had this mental picture that he was lusting after her and missed her and wanted to be with her and and and and but what I sen with my own eyes was complete opposite which blew me away.It was not some kind of romance or kinky sex thing between them I actually got shock to see she was clueless about sex to be frank and that came as a huge shock.Yeah I mean she knew the basics who don’t right? But I knew right up front she did not have a clue as to what my husband was into and liked and that made me feel bad for her even to the point.I had no problem giving her pointers when she asked me for advice.I want to be clear we never had what is defined as a threesome because I see that as the women getting it on together and that just never happened.Even now today u ladies would scream in horror at such a thought but I sit here laughing about it because it was way more comical than anything! I know that is what u ladies don’t want to hear but it is the truth.

    Ana,
    I totally agree with u I don;t think I would welcome another woman into my marriage with exception of my cowife.My situation is very unique in the fact that for the first 3 yrs I did not know what was going on totally clueless that he was keeping her on the side.I just thought she was his cousin and they have the kids together she is family so need for her to just up and leave.I didn’t start to figure things out until between 3 yrs to 8 yrs.I mean I knew it in the back of my mind but hubby would never admit to anything.He just said I am not married to her.When I asked her it was the same answer.SO i was busy raising kids living my life.We actually lived together over the yrs so it is not some made up fantasy on my part.I just see where we went wrong as a polygamy family and I hated that is ended up like it did because kids r involved.I don’t think it would ever work out unless she changed her stance on accepting polygamy though.

    Layla,
    I don’t know about all the getting kinky stuff because we have kids and inlaws in the home all the time.To many people around for all that screaming and fussing lol.If we did that my kids would think someone was getting the hell beat out of them and come running hahahhha

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Monroe,

    I’m telling you point blank, straight up, my INTENTION is to NEVER, EVER, live with a woman who my husband calls wife. The only thing that would make it happen is for me to face being homeless, sleeping in the street. A shelter would be more to my liking. My wali and wife said they’d take me in before that were to happen. I’d go live with my non-Muslim mother and my non-Muslim sisters before I’d be tortured living with a co-wife. It’s not an option. My husband said he wouldn’t ask me to live with a co-wife. He wouldn’t want to live like that. He said it would be Hell on earth for him.

    I think if there are some serious, emergency situation such as a wife gets burned out (housing catches fire) or she gets evicted or something and she is homeless, they could live together TEMPORARILY. You can take what I said to the bank. See no evil. Hear no evil. What you don’t know can’t hurt you.

  • Monroe

    November 1, 2015

    And when I was asking for understanding I meant to say “if you were in my shoes do u think u would feel some type of way” some of u live in different countries from your co wife of course u don’t care. I don’t think it’s a big deal. It’s one out of many battles within

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Mari2,

    I can get with the “acceptance of understanding”. There are some people who grasp polygamy as theory, but not for themselves. I think true acceptance Islamically speaking is when one lives in a polygamous marriage and is at peace in the heart and the mind and is free of pain. Of course, there will be times when something may be said or done that will set a wife back, but she pulls herself together, gets back on track, and keep it moving forward. I know for a fact that a wife could live in a polygamous marriage with joy and pain-free. I know it from more than a theoretical perspecitve. Even if a Muslim woman doesn’t live in a polygamous marriage, she must accept that it is a good, wholesome way of life allowed by Allah. She mustn’t oppose it with her likes and dislikes or desires.

    I like your post about loving Allah more than a husband. One has to put culture and all teachings contrary to Islam behind him and her. What Allah says is ALL that matters.

  • Monroe

    November 1, 2015

    Salaam

    Just wanted to say I think it’s a lonesome battle as I am in a joint family living under one roof I’m sure you all would understand if u were too. But you’re not. Living separate, What you don’t know doesn’t hurt you. If I lived apart I don’t think I’d give two nickels but alhumdullilaah I’m still on the road to acceptance not there yet. InshaAllah soon

  • Mari2

    November 1, 2015

    @Ana
    In defense of Gail I will say that whether or not she accepts polygamy, she is spot on as to the cultural crap some south Asian cultures spew. And even as a muslim or not, Gail really understands polygamy far more than a monogamous person. There is acceptance as a muslimah, and there is also an acceptance of understanding as well which is what Gail brings to the table.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Mari2,

    I don’t know how you maintained your sanity when your MIL was living with you, especially if you are OCD. I’m not OCD, but I’ve got to have everything neat and clean. For instance, I can’t go to bed with any dirty dishes in the sink. The kitchen has to be clean and everything in order before I could relax for the evening. I have my ritual. LOL

    Envisioning your MIL throwing scraps and peelings on the floor freaked me out. It’s some crazy crap. I can’t imagine seeing such a thing and not going bananas. Sigh.

    Every time you hit the prayer rug, you better thank Allah much for taking her out of there

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Monroe,

    Do you feel the home that you are living in actually is yours as well as your co’s or do you feel that you are living in her home? I’d imagine that a wife who moves into a home with the husband and his other wife may have a problem with feeling the home is actually hers as well as the co’s. Is there a feeling of equality?

    As Laila and Mari2 mentioned, when it comes to decorating, furnishing the home, running the kitchen etc I’d imagine there would be conflict. How does it work when there are two queens of a castle? I would think someone has to take the back seat

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Monroe,

    There have been discussions on this blog over the years about what a wife who marries the husband second should have known and expected from a polygamous marriage. Some, me included, used to think that a woman who marries a man second shouldn’t have a problem knowing the husband has sex with his wife. She shouldn’t have any gripes or complaints at all. After all, the other woman is his wife and the newcomer knew he was married. The newcomer new what she was getting herself into. As I have grown in understanding, I realize no one knows what she is in for until she is in it. Until she has invested time, energy, and feelings, she doesn’t know.

    Gail has related to us her story over the years. I am very glad she is here with us. She is an invaluable member of our family. She has shared so much and has help us all so very much. She, too, has said she went through a thing with being in a polygamous marriage. She experienced what all wives here who are in polygamous marriages have. It was never easy for her.

    I think she is having it easy with the IDEA of being in a polygamous marriage with her now ex-co-wife and raising the children together. I think it is FANTASY. Gail, I mean no disrespect, but it is not REAL.

    Gail,

    You say you now accept polygamy. I question whether you truly do. I question it only based on what you have shared with us. I believe you think and feel now that you could be in a polygamous marriage with your ex-co-wife and raise the children together. I don’t, however, think it means you are okay with polygamy. The reason I think it is because you have said you would not accept another woman into your family as a co-wife. It has to be your ex-co or no one. Secondly, you said you would not be able to live without your husband full-time. It would have to be you all living together or nothing. Polygamy is sharing a husband. In a polygamous marriage, a wife doesn’t have her husband full-time. Thirdly, you don’t know how you’d feel knowing your husband was having sex with your co because as far as you know, when you were aware that he was still Islamically married to her, she never was able to have sex with him without you being present. Fourthly, you have said you don’t see her as an equal. You would control the money. You would “control” things. You have a domineering personality. You would rule over her. You have said you believe in a head-wife the way some of the Pakistanis believe.

    With it all said, I don’t think you accept polygamy. I think you care for your ex-co and you have IMAGINED a life with her, your husband, and the children as a family. It is your imagination and it is not reality. To take polygamy beyond that scope, I don’t think you are willing to deal with it, so there is no acceptance of polygamy. Those are simply my thoughts about it.

  • Mari2

    November 1, 2015

    @Ana,
    In the beginning of M married to 2 it would rankle me to think he would tell her similar things that he would tell me when he was intimate with her or just in conversation. But through the guidance of Allah, I realized that as his wife, 2 has every right to hear those things as I do. M has every right to say things he feels to the both of us. However, it is my preference that M does so privately and not within earshot of either of us. Polygamy is hard enough, and husbands should refrain from making wives feel competitive. Some men and even M can sometimes falter and gain an ego boost from the desires/neediness of women.

    Several weeks ago M told me that 2 declared him to be her “everything” and he said that I “just kicked” him and his mom out of my home. I responded very calmly that Allah is my everything, and he (M) is not. Allah gave me the strength to live and afford life without him (M), and I point blank asked him whom shall I worship, “you or Allah?” I’ve I asked him this several times and have discussed husband vs Allah with him as well. I think he might be getting the point but I do not know. I however have gotten the point and MASHALLAH it has served me well in my dealings with polygamy. There are cultural, non Islamic hurdles he deals with too. I get that. I sympathize too. But I am determined not to let culture overrun what I know to be good and fair in Islam. And husband or not, I refuse to allow M to play the “she loves me more card”. Islam is not about ego. He can just check his penis at the door.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Monroe, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You by no means are alone in having negative feelings when it comes to one’s husband having sex with his other wife. You, however, are in a more difficult situation in that you know exactly when your husband and his other are behind closed doors, and has gotten busy doing the do. You may hear them or the shower tells all. You mention that if she and he aren’t in the family room then you know what’s going on.

    On the other hand, wives who live separately have to battle with the thoughts that their husband have sex with his other wife. She has no evidence of it other than the co and the husband are married. Nonetheless, they are bothered by the thought and idea of it. I’m sure she has an easier time than having it in her face for certain. Having it in ones face I’d imagine is brutal.

    I know of no woman who has been here on the blog in the last several years who has said she was not having difficulties dealing with the thought of her husband having sex with the other wife. Some wives who marry second have an easier time with the idea, if the husband LIED and said he doesn’t have sex with his other wife. It’s not unusual for a husband to lie to his wife and say something such as it. I’m sure it’s quite common. Is it right. I think it’s totally wrong to tell a wife that and belittle the other wife. I think it is wrong for the husband to minimize the relationship he has with his wife just to make the other wife or potential wife feel better about the situation.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    About the sexual aspect of marriage. I believe Allah controls ALL things, including when we have sex with our spouses and when we feel the urge or desire or not. It could be a test. Anyhow, I doubt there are many women who are always ready to go at it (have sex) with her husband whenever he wants to unless she’s a nymphomaniac. I believe sexual relations is a beautiful, healthy wholesome part of life and what we do. Some times we feel like it and some times we don’t. Even with the men (did you ever see the Almond Joy Mounds commercial, the famous saying, “Sometime you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.” Sometimes they don’t feel like it either. I agree that having a co-wife does help lift that burden when a wife doesn’t feel up to it due to hormones or something stressful going on in her life or whatever.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I appreciate you imputing about living joint family oppose to living separately. I can relate to all that you’ve said about it. I am of the same mindset about it as you are for ALL the reasons you stated. Furthermore, there is nothing that I’ve read in the Quran or any Islamic material, in the 30 years of me being Muslim, that supports co-wives all living together with their husband. As I stated before, I believe it goes against the principles of Islam.

    You mentioned something very important about a wife sacrificing to raise her children with their half siblings. I haven’t read anything that indicates it is what a mother of a child should do. Those children can know one another and be very close with one another without having to live under the same roof with one another. It’s apparently just a personal preference or a way to justify the living conditions. A husband may not have the means to give all his wives their own dwelling and uses the children all being together and growing up together as an excuse for the living arrangement. Many people aren’t only not honest with others, but aren’t honest with themselves.

    Again, I will say, Allah doesn’t place a burden on anyone more than he or she has the strength to bear. The person places the additional burden on him or herself. If a wife wants to give up having a home of her own and time alone with her husband for the sake of the children, so the children could all live together, than she suffers the consequences. She must endure doing without. She must endure the pain and suffering that goes along with it.

  • Mari2

    November 1, 2015

    I’m like Laila and prefer privacy. And above all I also prefer my own kitchen. I am a clean freak and have OCD when it comes to food handling skills. When MIL was here, her slovenly food prep drove me to eat take away rather than anything in the kitchen. And when the pantry pests invaded my home due to her lugging nasty flour and spices from Pakistan, I nearly had a breakdown. It’s been over a month since they left and I am still battling the pest invasion albeit in a lesser degree. I had friends over to my house and MIL was prepping a meal for M. When she sliced or peeled vegetables she tossed the scraps/peelings onto the floor. She threw nothing into the trash. She just threw everything on the floor for me to pick up. My friends were horrified and repulsed. Who does that?
    When they left and I cleaned her room, I found stale potato chips in her dresser drawers and chicken bones under her bed. Yes! Chicken bones! Plus she dyed her hair in the bedroom (???) staining the carpet, bed sheets, a towel and the duvet.

    Living with her was hard enough, but living with her AND 2 (who apparently does not clean things) would just kill me outright. Forget about intimacy, as I would be far too insane to even think about relations. I’d be banging on the door screaming “Wipe the grease off the stove!”

  • Laila

    November 1, 2015

    Gail, how about date nights and getting gifts and having real kinky sex? Can one do it when one lives Ina joint family home? I know that once in a while my hubbs likes to take me out to dinner and we would come home and the show starts. How about the times where he buys me gifts, and expensive ones? How do you think the other wife would react? Or would it conveniently be turned into giving gifts is based on per schedule? How would also the husband feel about living joint? Sometimes wives make the main decision without really looking into how the husband would feel. Unless he initiated it then that’s a whole different story. But Gail for me living joint is not just about the privacy. It’s about so many other things and personally can the wives all deal with it. Sometimes some women can deal with things but for some, I think it’s pushing the envelope too far. There are times I have my girlfriends over for coffee in my home, how would my co react? I feel living joint is a good thing Gail because it bring a family together. But there are so many other issues other than just sex that goes with living joint that I don’t think it’s easy. I always tell myself that since I am already sharing my husband, I do not need to share a home. I need to feel happy and secure in my home. That is the basic need for me to remain sane. I cannot imagine living joint. The thought scares the day lights out of me.

  • Laila

    November 1, 2015

    Hey Gail. I read your post about having sex whenever a wife needed and that sex isn’t supposed to be viewed in a negative light. I totally agree with you on that!! Spot on!! But I can never live in a joint family set up because I value my privacy. Even at times when we are going on a holiday I do try and make it a point to tell him to not tell her anything about our plans. I feel that at some point polygamy has sucked the privacy and life out of our married lives. I value that he and her would have their own secrets and I too will have mine with him. If you decide to live all together in a home, the values that you are touching on is true. The idea of bringing up all children under one roof and living as one family. But don’t you think that is unfair to the adults? Wouldn’t it at some point create a strain and a sense of tensed up feeling at home? I know I would be a bit jumpy. It’s not just at the wanting to have sex part, but also on a whole lot of other things. Wouldn’t you as a woman want to have a home free of another woman? Meaning, you have the space to create your own idea of how to decorate and even choose the furniture etc. I know I am a clean freak. And I love cats. I know for a fact that my co isn’t an animal lover like me. How do you jive with a person who is completely opposite? I’ve heard of men having multiple wives and because every wife wants a bit of privacy end up having multiple kitchens in one home. That to me is crazy and really what was the husband thinking? You are talking about husband and current wife doing it. I went through a phase where sex was not great nor exciting. It was a chore. I felt like I could live without it. So in many ways I welcomed that he might or might not be getting it from my co. Really. I found sex to be mundane. Whenever he initiatiated I found myself sort of forcing myself to do it. So yes, in many ways it is comforting to know that you don’t have to have so much of pressure and that you can also sort of understand that your co is also helping. But talk about hormones or whatever that is happening. I am suddenly feeling my old self again and I am ready when he initiates it. So yes, I am wondering as to whether this is a phase.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Secretary,

    I hope you don’t mind that I moved your comment over to this November post. I’m so happy to hear you are still reading here and enjoying the blog. I’m glad all the lovely ladies and the gents’ posts are helpful to you. Thank you much for stopping in and letting us know it. Feel free to stop in and chat with us anytime. The door is open to you 🙂

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Alison, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I always look forward to hearing from you the first of each month 🙂

    So, you’re back to swinging between monogamy and polygamy with your husband lol. He and his other seem to just not be able to get it together. It looks like it’s their M.O. (Method of Operation). Oh, well. Just go with it, Alison. Enjoy your marriage whichever way it is.

    To make it easier when he goes back, don’t go to sleep on them. Know that he may go back at anytime and don’t let it effect you. Say, Alhumdulliah, whichever way it goes. Insha Allah, you are on your way to accepting Allah’s decree. Whatever Allah decides, go with it. Good for you! 🙂

  • Secretary

    November 1, 2015

    I love reading your blogs. I need the positive advice. Thanks so much for sharing your life experiences

  • Monroe

    November 1, 2015

    Gail

    Honestly I don’t think it’s something wrong within me just because I feel some type of way when they are intimate. It’s something that comes with the territory. Can anyone here admit they become delighted of the thought of their husband having sex with someone else. I know she has needs as I do and of course I want for her what I want for myself and I would never wish my husband would divorce her I don’t think I could handle him alone lol. It’s a feeling I can’t control and it’s okay as long as u don’t act on your feelings. Not to be disrespectful but I read here earlier you saying you had a threesome with your co wife and husband or something of that sort so I can understand the place you’re coming from when you say people should be delighted your husband is having relations with another wife. I don’t expect him not to I mean come on. And I never thought of my husband having sexual relations with his present first wife before I married him. obviously they have kids but who thinks of that. I didn’t. It’s an emotional thing. I know she is also bothered by me and my husband having sexual relations too due to incidents that occurred awhile back it’s a womanly thing. I don’t think either one of us is in the wrong there. Please sis ana chime in. Am I the only one here

  • Gail

    November 1, 2015

    Alison,

    No i don’t think so I mean yeah he gets it but to be honest something is lacking between us.I blow up at him over the smallest things.We r just not seeing much of anything eye to eye anymore.I don’t even at this point blame him because I am so B!tchy with him.I complain 24/7.It’s complicated.He wants his parents on the property but I really don’t see me giving in this time I just am so over his family at this point.

  • Gail

    November 1, 2015

    Monroe,
    I went back and read and u said something very important that u really need to reflect and pray on I believe.U said your soul crumbles when u know they r in the bedroom getting it on.Listen u need to think why that is u r feeling that way.Logically u knew he had a wife before u and they were humping like rabbits before u came into the picture correct? Did u think he was going to divorce her when he married u or he would give up sex with her.What are u secretly thinking that is causing this mental block in you.DO u not wish for your cowife the same as u wish for yourself? unless u resolve these issues inside yourself there is no amount of humor that will fix what is going on in your heart and mind so u really need to focus on that issue and be honest and fix it.
    I will say this when I found out about my excowife and hubby being islamically married and thought of them having sexual relations I flipped out inside because I took it as a personal hit to my ego like how dare that B@stard enjoy with her.How dare that B@stard tell her one thing and me another.What a fake B@stard etc… I could go on all night with what I thought in my heart about him.lol
    When I took the focus of my idiot husband and put the focus on my cowife and thinking logically she is a woman same like me with same feelings and emotions then my heart started to open up and say ok I get it she needs sex and to feel loved as well.I don’t know it just clicked with me on a very deep emotional level.When I seen my husband it just could not click with me because I saw him as a traitor to me but when I seen my cowife’s emotional needs it was then that it clicked for me.

  • Gail

    November 1, 2015

    Monroe,

    Lord if I went into my Polygamy marriage details I would need a book to cover all the yrs and what we went through.
    Here is the main thing u need to know either u can play into the sex as drama or u can laugh it off.It is just as easy to make a joke about it or humor your way around it rather than be in tension.If it were me the next time u know they r doing the deed go make them a snack and tell them u thought they could use the energy boost hahahaha.U have to live together so no sense to tiptoe around this issue.Humor is the way to go if u ask me.
    Listen one more thing if u r getting caught up in all the mushy talk during sex and it plays with your head like Oh man he is telling cowife she is the best.NOOOOO don’t go there just that is the worse mental health thing u could do.Instead if something comes in your mind just turn it around like example.If u feel yourself getting mentally upset that they r in there really getting all hot ans steamy just picture cowife or hubby falling off the bed.Some people do a great blog and can mentally block what is going on and others can’t so just do what works best for u.I will always say though humor and joking is the key when u have to live in one home together.
    U hang in there and don’t take things so seriously is my best advice to u.
    Listen as long as your cowife is good to u and u both get along be thankful is my advice.

  • Alison

    November 1, 2015

    Hey Anna hope your vacation was fun and you relaxed

    Gail, hope things work out with your hubby was interesting to read his last attitude may he come to his senses soon

  • Alison

    November 1, 2015

    Hey Asalam aleikum beautiful ladies how have you all been. I see a lot of newbies Mashaallah welcome and I know this blog will be of tremendous help to all.
    I have been on my monogamous streak again for the last month so hectic trying to juggle office child etc. Alhamdulilah no complaints

    Much love to all

  • Monroe

    November 1, 2015

    Sis Gail you’re a hot mess. I enjoy reading you. Yes once kids happen, your life evolves around them. I don’t watch much television neither does hubby I’m at a stage of my life if self contemplation and how can I become a better Muslim and person. Reading and understanding Holy Quran. It gives me a kind of unexplainable peace. I’m still human with a high sex drive so when I need some I get it 🙂 I go out to dinner with hubby with and without co and kids. It’s nice doing things as a family. Our home is big enough to have me time when needed. Hubby makes googly eyes and remarks to my co even when I’m around and it used to hurt when I made the biggest mistake competing for his love but not now when the only love I’m in competition for is the love of Allah thanks to the lessons taught here by sis ana. But sis Gail you must be made of steel not caring if your hubby is getting it on like rabbits with his other wife in the same house. Every time I know my husband and co are intimately together my soul crumbled into a million pieces I pray to my Allah and HE gives me peace. What would you do in the meantime when u all lived together for those three years and they were busy getting it on? I would like to know. Maybe I can take a page from ur book and learn something. I’m thinking right now I probably would have avoided years of self inner destruction if I was in a separate home. But you live and learn. This is where Allah has me. I believe he will bless me for my endurance if not here then in the hereafter.

    Stay blessed.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Gail,

    Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts and feelings about joint family living vs co-wives living separately. I appreciate it. I thank you for always taking time to re-vist your story with everyone, as there are always newcomers who don’t know and don’t have time to read the entire blog. I think going over the details is very therapeutic for the person, as well. Much oblige, Sis!

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    Hey there, everyone

    Sis Gail posted two comments on the October 2015 thread. Please make sure you haven’t missed them. The link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/october-2015-discussions/#comment-11254 Please reply here to her last two comments, as that thread is now closed.

    Thank you!

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for November 2015. We thank you all for being here with us. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussion. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the October 2015 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/october-2015-discussions/