November 2016 Discussions

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polygamy 411 November 2016 discussions
polygamy 411 November 2016 discussions

polygamy 411 November 2016 discussions

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459 Comments

  • anabellah

    December 1, 2016

    This thread is now closed polygamy 411 November 2016 Discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All,

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the November 2016 discussions and welcome in December 2016.

    Please join us at: December 2016 Discussions

  • Saira

    November 30, 2016

    Salam 

    sister amina 

    you seems very nice person even tho your husband recently remarried as you said you are here asking us ladies advice how to work out things between you and your husband 

    some of us including me always bring up day today matter here and try to justified we are batter then our co wife and alwsys tell  negetive things about co and try to say we are the best wife 

    I am pleased you said you and your husband had issues long before he remarried and telling us how he is distance form you 

    I heard not any negetive things from you about your husband or your co 

    which already proves you are good soft hearted person 

    just make dua and leave it to Allah 

    read  (ya wadudo) as much as you can and if you want read and blow that on water or sweet thing and feed your kids your husband and your self 

    it’s Allahs name and bring love between each other 

    even when you making food just read that while preparing food and make intention that Allah bring love between all of you and make shaytan go away 

    and when you see your husband distress or angry read 21 times and blow on him and try to read all the time with same intention 

    make your Intention pure not like that that you want him only to love you and leave your co 

    just make intention for your self and your kids and basically for your home envirment 

    you have not said much how long he been married to second one

    he might be feeling sad for you by sharing his time and nights 

    It’s not easy thing for him as well to go away from kids 

    it’s all new for him 

    if he blame you that you made him remarry I would say silent is best key just now 

    he deep down knows you hurt but he don’t know how to show you 

    it was written and it happend 

    I would say when you sit down try to relax envirment and bring topic randomly 

    and tell him you sorry and it’s Was Allahs will that he remarry and you love him and want him to be happy and want to bring peace for 3 of you 

    just tell him you and kids miss him when he is away but you know he is always here for you and kids 

    do not ask him at all how is life with other wife etc or what you two planning and all 

    even if he try to tell you it will hurt you but bite your tonge and say you love him and happy to see you happy 

    if you two had years of bitterness it will take time to heal 

    best remedy I would tell you one 

    is when you two fight think you got mouth sore and if you talk it will kill you so 

    you will stay quite 

    second be his friend no matter how moody he becom and get up set be nice with him 

    he might be testing you and your reaction 

    dont let him sleep apart for long 

    keep reminding him that u want him to sleep in same bed but if sleeping apart is making you happy you ok with that and will be please to see him return to his bed when he feel batter 

    things will get batter inshAllah but keep patient 

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2016

    Amina,

    Try not to worry. If he just married her recently, he may feel sad about leaving her and she may be upset that he has to leave. It’s an adjustment period for all three of you. Try to be patient. Keep your mind on Allah and stay as busy as you can. Try not to stress. We’re here for you, if you want to talk. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2016

    Sister Saira,

    Thank you for sharing the story about the sister who had the brain tumor and how Allah swt healed her. It’s very motivational for us to serve Allah the best we can and turn to him to heal us as He is the One who heals.

    Thank you much! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

     

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2016

    Amina,

    Without asking him what is wrong, you could go sit with him and calmly let him know how you’re feeling without being accusatory. For instance, say you’re feeling very sad that you and he aren’t talking and communicating with each other and that it would help if you know what he’s thinking and feeling. Say you’d feel better if he talk with you about it. Say he could help you, if he open up and talk about it to you. Say something of that nature, so he would feel or think that he could help you.

  • Amina

    November 30, 2016

    Yes, I have to observe patience. It’s really hard not to ask him what’s wrong. I guess I would feel better if he was being more sympathetic towards my emotions. I don’t think he understands how I feel. But Patience is the key.  I have to stay strong.

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2016

    Just so no one thinks something is wrong with their eyes, I’m letting you know that the snowflakes are beginning to fall on the blog. It’s that time of the years… It’s so pretty. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2016

    Sister Amina,

    It’s one thing for him to tell his other wife that he is with you only for the kids. It’s a common thing for a man to tell the other wife. BUT, to tell you that he is only with you because of the kids, to not sleep in bed with you and to keep his distance from you, along with a displeased facial expression definitely signals a major problem. Sigh

    Don’t ask him if he wants to divorce you, as he may say yes. If he’s considering divorce, let him bring up the subject.

    All is new between him and his other wife, especially if it’s only been a few days. You need to give him more time to get into it.

    In the meantime, you need to consider what you intend to do. Some of the options are:

    You could do nothing and just wait it out to see how it plays out. To get into a confrontation with him at this stage could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and he may be out of there as in say it’s over between you and him or

    You could agree to a divorce, if he says he wants one or

    If he comes to you for a divorce, if you want to stay married to him, you could ask him if you could work out some type of friendly agreement so that he stays married to you

    All in all, it’s best not to ask him why he remarried. He probably doesn’t know that it was Allah’s decision that he marry the other, and Allah wrote the script before he was even born.

    He could tell you that he remarried because of the problems that you two had been having or he may say any number of things. What does it really mean? What does it really matter in the realm of it all?

    Insha Allah, think over your options and exercise patience. Pray to Allah for guidance and help.

  • Amina

    November 30, 2016

    We haven’t been on good terms for a while now, he told me where together for the children. I was questioning him regarding his decision and he didn’t like it. He didn’t want to talk about why he remarried. I noticed since he remarried he’s been distant and it’s only been a few days.

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2016

    Amina,

    The best thing to do is give him his space. You said you’ve ask him what the problem is and he simply says he’s fine. So there is  other than asking what’s wrong, there’s not much more that you can do right now. To keep asking him may only agitate him and cause him to lose all control or leave.

    We could only guess what may be wrong with him because we don’t know him and you haven’t said much other than he recently married another woman. Did you and he have a heated argument? We’re things said that hurt him? Did his other wife demand that he divorce you and he’s considering it? Did he realize that polygamy is too much for him? Who knows https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    If you communicate with his other wife, you could ask her. If you communicate with someone who knows him, maybe you could ask them if they know what’s troubling him.

  • Amina

    November 30, 2016

    Thank you for all the wonderful advice and words of encouragement. My husband seems to be distant. It’s very frustrating, and hurtful. I asked him what the problem is, and he said he’s fine. However I know something is wrong because he didn’t sleep in the bed with me, he’s been keeping his distance,  and I can tell something is wrong from his facial expressions. This is making me feel worst than I already do. What should I do? He keeps saying he’s fine, but I don’t think he is.

    This is so painful?????

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2016

    Awwww, Sister Saira, you are such a sweetheart. When I read what you wrote: “I think we should all respect her effort and when snap try to stay calm and not hurt her”, it brought tears to my eyes. I’m okay. I don’t get so bent out of shape the way I used to on the older version of the blog. I don’t let things get to me that way anymore.

    I am happy that as you said, we’re all sitting in our homes, many of us a world apart, and we all come together to help one another. I’m so grateful to Allah for that. I pray He is well pleased with us all for our efforts.

    I hope all understand my intentions on this newer version of the blog and that is for all of us wives whether in a monogamous marriage or a polygamous one, whether married in the order of 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th to see one another as equal. I can’t stress enough that Allah says the best person is the one who is the most righteous. We’re not trying to determine who here is righteous or not. It’s not what this blog is about and we’re not going to go there.

    In cyberspace some people have called women who married in the order of 2nd and beyond “Halal Mistresses” or “Mistresses” or “hoes” (whores) etc. It’s wrong. We should sincerely ask Allah for forgiveness for having thought that way or for thinking that way. The women who call sisters-in-faith such derogatory, degrading names are insecure. It stems from insecurity, from feelings of hate, jealousy, envy, rancor, selfishness, pride, arrogance, haughtiness – all the emotions that we speak of often on this blog. I want to nip that type of discussion here in the bud. It does no one any good.

    Saira, I appreciate your kind words. They mean much to me. I’m so glad to know you and very happy that we are all together here. Again, thank you much for being concern.
    It was very sweet of you {{{hugs}}}

  • saira

    November 30, 2016

    Salam 

    sister Amina 

    sistsr it’s great you recognise hidden shirk I was same 

    i was treating my husband like prince and he was acting weird and I get hurt when ever he does that 

    I sometime actually in my night stand in kitchen for hours and try to cook so special food for him 

    make up to two dishes along vd rice salad and suace and sweet dish and all 

    and after food tea time and then I gave him Msage and all 

    and make sure in morning his cloths well ironed and shoes all shiny nails trim etc 

    but still mostly he would eat and say it’s nice but any thing comes up and he says things will ruin my hard word 

    he calls me I will answer same second even if my hands busy or even I am making prayer and I try to finish prayer fast to answer his call so he won’t get up set if I answer late 

    many many things I was doing for him 

    and he was showing attitude in my hard work 

    and I read that post and sister Ana made me relize about hidden shirk 

    I made so much dua so much Astagfar to Allah 

    and when ever things not good I begin to wounder if I am making same mistake and I made astagfar and pull my self togather 

    I still obey my husband do things wife should do but keep it simple 

    and always make my Intension to do all in sake of Allah 

    just by making this Intension my life is changed 

    I use to feel when will my husband give me day off where we go out and spend whole day alone 

    Allah cure my heart and gave me so much peace in my heart 

    night prayer is key to get closer to Allah 

    but do not think you won’t feel sad or heart or pain free 

    this is test of life we all do I had argument vd my husband other day for nearly 12 hours but it was just a temporary moment and some time Allah make us do it so we know importance of each other 

    and I belive couple who go try so much they alwsy comes out strong 

    I have not knows sister Ana in much details but by they way she rights and express 

    I think she is great wife and she and her husband are great couple 

    imagine many of us sitting in our homes far from each other and she is the one who bring all of us togather and help us 

    And many time poor Ana get to hear nasty things from us and she is great person still write for us and try to correct us 

    I think we should all respect her effort and when snap try to stay calm and not hurt her 

     

  • saira

    November 30, 2016

    Aslamu alakykum 

    Hope all doing well 

    sister jasmine I am soo excited and happy for. You 

    finally I hear from you what I keep making dua for 

    it is so true about night prayer thajjad and soon u read and make dua it feels like New person 

    keep doing it 

    I cure my self it was some blesses Somalian lady who told me that she had brain tumour and doctor keep doing scan and test and they said to her she got less time left she said 

    I was keep asking them for pain killer as my head spin all the time 

    she said no one could give me any thing she said then she came home from hospital and took black seed oil she said she put olive oil and black seed oil in her hair 

    took some munaka honey and put head phone and start lisning Quran and make dua that she will keep doing until Allah cure her 

    she said I done that for a month and when went back in Hospiatl all Tumor was gone 

    That lady inspire me and when ever I feel down I try to hold my self up and speak to Allah alone and bow down 

    jasmine I don’t know if you ever read any thing about 

    Rabia Basri read if you can you will feel uplift more 

    inshAllah Allah will give u all my sister Ameen 

    sister Ana and sister sadiyah 

    i am very reserve person and so shy I don’t even eat properly when go to relieves house for visit and all 

    my whole worry is how will I manage toilet trips and pain and not having my own bed 

    and in top of expressing Milk will be huge task 

    I was thinking I could ask hubby if I could stay at his sisters as she got spare room and extra toilet but before I even ask he said 

    his mother made her mind so it won’t be nice to refuse to her and he said he will be there for me 

    but I know when time comes he is like me like to have own privacy he will sneak out most lol

    spoke to my mother too about this and she said try to stay calm and when times comes will c 

    so am just making dua to Allah to make it easy 

    I have small apartment and my mother in law won’t come here as its small and she is the one looks after my brother in law wife who will deliver few weeks before me 

    I would be able to mange own my own batter as hubby wanted to hire someone for time being but all sudden then offer and he is happy 

    my co been sending food and all from few days and I asked hubby what’s all that and he said all sudden she started to feel for me and said I am not well and I need some help ?

    Hubby said he can’t get his head around that suddenly every one missing me and doing all this 

    all seems like dream and unrealistic where they refuse to talk to me and now all sudden they feel for me 

    I won’t keep my hopes up and try to reserve and if co is talking to me I won’t repeat a word to mother in laws in general like what we spoke and will keep that for every one 

    my feelings isn’t same like before now 

    So far I only get comfortable with my sister in law so far but not like I use to be 

    I been talking over the phone in general but will have to face all soon

    things got so disgubed how they behave and what come out I feel scred deep down. Now 

    they admit that I didn’t hurt them or said any thing bad to them or treated them bad but then my and hubby argue it all got them invole 

    they just don’t see that I never brought any of our argument to any one it was hubby who done that and every one made him to divorce me and he apologise after sometime and we got back again and it was them in the end 

    few weeks ago co was making fuss and fight vd hubby where he was staying vd me 

    3 months she was giving him hard time indirectly so he would divorce me 

    and hubby said to her he won’t divorce either of us and if any one unhappy then just leave  

    lol and now she is keep asking hubby that she will do all baby shopping for me 

    I am gone have heart attack lol

    i think when hubby had argue vd me and he stayed away few days with me long ago she start dreaming on me getting divorce and finally now she accepted and moved on that I won’t go any where only if Allah will it will happend

    she send food I will start sending as well but this time I would take it slow and keep my pride 

    sorry every one I wrote so much 

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2016

    For instance, Allah says he could have another wife (Allah allows polygamy for men). The wife tells her husband that he can’t or if he does she’ll leave him. He listens to his wife. He fears his wife. He fears her leaving him etc. It’s a prime example of “shirk”. She committed it too. She put herself before Allah. She thinks she’s boss.

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2016

    Amina, 🙂

    Alhumdulliah that you recognized you had fallen into some form of shirk with your husband. Recognition is vital. If we don’t realize something that’s wrong in us we can’t fix it. We’ve all been guilty of shirk (setting up partners or making something or someone equal to Allah) in some form of another, especially when it comes to spouses, children, material things, wealth etc Shirk could be so subtle that one doesn’t even realize that she or he is committing it. Remembering a husband more than one remembers Allah could amount to shirk. A husband who listens to his wife who says he can’t have another wife is a form of shirk that a husband commits. He says what she says supersedes what Allah says. He has made his wife his lord. Most importantly, shirk is the highest sin and it can prevent one from entering Jannah. I’m glad you brought up the topic, Amina.

  • Marah S

    November 30, 2016

    Concerned,

    Lol! I love how your husband uses sarcasm to get you together. It’s always good when the husband can be honest and truthful with his wife. My husband always gets me together as well. If something happens and I’m complaining he has no problem letting me know if I’m over reacting, or telling me if I’m in the wrong. It’s exactly what I need sometimes. 

  • Concerned

    November 30, 2016

    Thank you all for your advice regarding my attitude in genral and specifically towards certain women. 

    I had a chat with my husband and voiced my feelings. He agreed with me and said yes, you are such a nice person and I care for all my sisters and only want the best for them, he said infact im so nice that when I met him and saw what a great husband he would be I should have went out, found one of these sisters that I care soooooo much about and told them you’ve found a fantastic man for them to marry and live happily ever after in monogamy with. Then go home, sit on your own and be happy for your sister in Islam to have such a wonderful husband. Obviously dude is being sarcastic and wiped my self entitled smile from my face. 

  • Umm of2

    November 30, 2016

    He probably said things about me to her lol. Men will be men 

  • Umm of2

    November 30, 2016

    Sister sadya 

    Allah is the best settler of affairs. Co and I have newly built homes 20 miles away from each other.  

    But my husband never really spoke negatively of his first wife. Sometimes he would blurt something out in the heat of the moment but it went in one ear out the next. But it was never something that serious. Petty really. 

  • Sadyah

    November 30, 2016

    Assalam o alaikum,

    Sister Amina,

          What if it means that Allah doesn’t want you to go away from his worship.He wants you to be nearer. what if He loves you and talks about you in a better group of  his creation..When our Lord wants someone to be nearer and blessed,He gives test to him and gives sabr as well and make his paradise higher.if it is so, then I should say, you are one lucky person that Allah remembers you and wants you to get closer to Him .Wowww

    Sister ummof2,

    I missed you a week ago.i was recalling your words that how do you manage to walk away when your husband wants to say something negative about your co wife.We must have a strong iman to do this.I need some more advices from you sister.love to read you.

    Sister concerned,

    I missed your wise advices for the newcomers.it really helps to move forward.

    I wish the blog would always run positively like this so not just for us but  for our children, who will get benefits from here ameen. 

    Sister saira,

    I can understand your situation.if you say no then you have to handle a mess or if you say yes then you have to sacrifice alot in that painful c-section time.sister Jasmina gave you very good advice to invite them at your home but before inviting them,you better do sister jasmina’s magical thing, istekhara.This will help you magically to find out your way insha Allah.

     

  • Amina

    November 30, 2016

    I was reading the post Shirk hidden Truth.

    I believe I fell into some form of Shirk with my husband,  and didn’t even realize. Ive been trying to gain his love and putting his needs before some of my religious obligations. I pray that I can make my intentions purely seeking the pleasure of Allaah. I’ve been looking for happiness in a man when I should be finding peace in happiness in pleasing my Lord first, and rectifying my shortcomings.

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2016

    Concerned,

    Sorry about that. I thought I had fixed it. Please let me know if there is another problem with that, but I think it’s fixed. Thank you!

    @ALL,

    Please make sure you save your post or copy it to paste it in case it gets lost. Yesterday, somehow I lost one and had to write it over.

  • Concerned

    November 30, 2016

    Amina

    When I was distraught about my husband 2nd marriage I sought help from a wise, knowledgeable sister. After about 5 mins of me moaning she said. “Do you know, when we speak to men who have married again they say,they was having a successful first marriage, so successful that they thought they’d do it again” You may have thought your marriage was on bad terms but he may have thought differently. 

  • Jasmina

    November 30, 2016

    Ana

    thanks Ana I’m glad it was inspirational, it’s such a surreal feeling for me that after years of many set backs suddenly things start to fall into place after tahajjud.  

    thats so amazing Ana inshaAllah we can both and others also regularly offer tahajjud. It really is darn good when you feel and see how Allah manages our affairs in a way as you say is magical or just so glorious SubhanAllah, it feels good to know Allah is blessing you.  

    I think it’s good to talk about it and share these stories because sometimes we have to read it many times before we put it into practice or stop and think deeply about it. 

     

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2016

    VerySad,

    If you truly love your husband, you would be very sad to see him sad and suffering. It breaks my heart to see the people whom I love in a state of sadness and suffering. If you have any love in your heart for him, you’d go get your husband out of that hotel room, bring him home and say you two will work it out together. It’s what love does. If you can’t do that, you need to divorce him. Don’t hold onto him to torment him. You’ll only end up tormenting yourself.

  • Tasliyman

    November 30, 2016

    Jasmina, 

    Thank you for sharing. It really is inspirational.  It’s a beautiful reminder of how close help is once we are ready to let go of the hurt or anger. 

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    Amina,

    It’s okay that your marriage had problems before he married another. Sometimes it could be a good thing. You get to look closely at yourself and see where you can make changes to become a better person. He may begin to see you in a different light as well. He may have been taking you for granted before the other marriage and not have seen all the good in you. So many good things can come from this. It’s okay. Just don’t beat up on yourself, nor blame yourself. The other marriage was meant to happen and to happen now, not when your marriage gets better.

  • Amina

    November 29, 2016

    Thank you so much Sister Ana. I will take the advice in shaa Allaah. I know getting closer to Allaah is what I have to do. What hurts the most is that our relationship wasn’t on great terms when he remarried. I really wanted things to get better before he took another wife.

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    Amina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Sister

    Welcome to the blog. I’m glad you’ve come forward to join us and let your voice be heard. I’m sorry to hear you’re hurting right now. I can tell you that things can get better for you. I can’t tell you when or how long it will take, but it’s definitely possible. It’s going to take some serious work on your part and that means you’ve got to grow nearer to Allah. It comes from reading the Quran and asking Allah to give you understanding. You have to read it to learn it and live it. Don’t just read it in hope that your pain will go away. Islam is a way of life for life, not a temporary fix. Allah is the only one who can really help you. We can tell you some of what to expect and what it’s like being in a polygamous marriage and let you know that you’re not alone.

    I cannot say staying busy would absolutely help either because sometimes one is so depressed and distraught that she can’t find the energy or strength to do anything, including the basis everyday let alone hear that she need to take a knitting or pottery classes or go learn a foreign language or anything else. Many times women have stuff to do. They have job or kids to care for or jobs and kids to care for. Once a woman gets stronger and begins to heal, she could start doing things that bring her joy and are rewarding for her.

    You may find that your marriage gets stronger although you aren’t feeling stronger. You may feel that you’re falling apart, but your husband is more attentive, caring and loving towards you. If he sees that you want to accept a polygamous marriage because Allah allows it and you’re making a sincere effort, he may begin to draw nearer to you because of your SELFLESSness. Insha Allah, he’s a patient and understanding man, as it helps tremendously. Based on all that I hear and know, it’s not unusual for wives to lose their minds on their husbands when the husbands first become polygamous. The wives have to learn how to control that, as well.

    We’re here for you, if you want to talk specifics or just want to chat, Insh Allah.

  • Amina

    November 29, 2016

    As salamualaykum Sisters.

     I hope everyone is doing well, Ive been reading this blog off and on for a few years now. My husband recently married, and Im very hurt. I dont want this to ruin our relationship, Im hoping somehow this will bring us closer, but how do I get over the hurt, how do I behave normal when all I can think about is him being with someone else?

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    Jasmina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Thank you much for sharing about how the Quran has helped cure your depression tremendously. People generally get sad and depressed from time to time, but it’s the chronic depression that is the problem for many. It’s so awesome to hear that Allah cured the serious form of depression for you and you are much happier now 🙂 It’s so helpful for us all to here stories like that. Alhumdulliah

    What you said about tahajjud prayer is amazing. You and I are so much on the same page right now lol. A couple days ago, I said to myself that I need to begin to get up and offer Tahajjud again. I used to do it on a regular for a time quite some time ago, and then I stopped. When I did it, I found it gave me so much joy. I can’t elaborate because it was quite some time ago and I don’t exactly remember now. But, just the other day, during Fajr time, I said to myself there is no reason for me to not get up and offer tahajjud because I’m awake anyhow, watching the news or something like “Scandal” on TV or reading the news, or trying to sleep. I’m a night owl and don’t get to sleep till after Fajr most of the time. At Fajr time the other day, I was thinking about it. So, now I’ve made my intention to do it with the help and permission of Allah. Of course, I don’t intend to make it a 6th daily prayer that must be done, but Insha Allah will be able to do it sometimes.

    Furthermore, I can relate to what you said about your husband, as well. I find that I can be in sync with other people. It’s like our thoughts connect. I’ll give an example, just yesterday, I decided to make salmon for dinner for my husband and me. He didn’t know what I’d make. Yes, I do some of the cooking now LOL. Since he working on his PhD, he’s way busy. So, I wanted him to bring home some of our favorite sushi to go with the salmon. We usually have Sushi with salmon. I started to text him to ask him to bring some home, but I said no, I’ll just leave it alone. Well, lo and behold, just out of the blue, he came home with sushi. He said, “I don’t know what we’re having for dinner, but I brought sushi. I’m sure it will go with whatever we’re having.” LOL I was blown away.

    I have found that I’m thinking what others such as my husband or wali are thinking at the same time. Things that seem magical begin to happen and it a sure sign of Allah’s Magnificence. It’s like, wow. It’s incredible.

    I read in an Islamic book years ago that when one gets very close to Allah it seems that magical things begin to happen for the person, as though they are doing it themselves. I’m not claiming I’m at that stage at all. I’m just saying that I see how my life has changed and life is beautiful. My life isn’t perfect the same as no one else life is, but it feels good a lot of the time, darn good. My life is better than it’s ever been.

    I say it often, that when we get closer to Allah by doing all that He tells us to in the Holy Quran and believing what He says in the Holy Quran He does what He says – He disposes of our affairs towards comfort and ease.

    I’m only saying it to share with others because it should be inspirational. You sharing about tahajjud was inspirational for me, Alhumdulliah!

  • Jasmina

    November 29, 2016

    Jazakallah khair Ana very nice of you to welcome her back, I hope she comes back with a better attitude towards others here.

    yes to your last post. Quran cured my depression. I still get sad and depressed at times but I can pick myself up quickly as before it was 24/7 anxiety and depression. It’s a problem of the ❤️ heart. The anger, resentment, regret, feeling of betrayal, jealousy it affects us deeply but Quran cures these things.  InshaAllah

    Can I just add something that is working for me greatly lately as well, the tahajjud prayer. I had a relapse recently and this cured me overnight. I’m going to try to do it regularly inshaAllah but i haven’t been able to lately. I wanted to share this. Turning to Allah is the greatest thing we could do, SubhanAllah okay I will share a story of how Allah recently answered my dua.

    so I made istikhara with the decision that I would talk to my husband about my issues as a first step to resolving his unfairness. Before approaching him to talk to him I made dua that if This marriage is best for me then to make it easy. Okay so as I am walking out the room, he enters and says I need us to talk, he hugged me and said I need you to tell me what’s troubling you so we can fix it together. Now my husband HATES talking about marriage issues. I was shocked not only did Allah make it easy but Allah made hubby start the conversation. SubhanAllah.

    but that’s not all. Okay so few days later I decide to start tahajjud to ask Allah to help my husband be fair and just. Now I’m a heavy sleeper and it’s hard for me so I decided to do istikhara about my decision to pray tahajjud. I had told my husband a week earlier that I preferred to pray fajr soon after the Athen where as he prefers to do so later. That night I went to bed and my husband could not for sleep he had insomnia lol. So he wakes me up early and says it’s fajr let’s see if u like getting up so early. So I get up and I realise it wasn’t yet fajr he made a mistake with the time and so says to me well then pray tahajjud. He never knew of my intention to do tahajjud. SubhanAllah. 

    It has increased my trust in Allah. I know Allah is looking out for me and wants what’s best for me and is guiding me towards that alhamdulillah.  

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    Everyone,

    When thinking about a diseased heart, think about disease in general. When a person has a disease it’s usually accompanied by pain. So when a woman has pain in her heart from being in a polygamous marriage that stems from a disease. The disease is inside the heart. We should all contemplate that.

    So how do we cure that disease? Allah says in the Holy Quran to cure the disease via the Quran. It means we must learn what is in the Quran and live it. We must believe what He says. It is what makes a Believer- belief.

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    It wasn’t just Mena who exploded, she was taking some of the rest of us with her. I was starting to snap, crackle, and pop. Insha Allah everything will be ok from here on moving forward, Insha Allah.

  • Umm of2

    November 29, 2016

    Mena wrote some really uplifting posts. But I started to see one dig after the next I knew it was only a matter of time until she exploded POW! This week was just not her week.  InshaAllah she’ll get it together soon. May Allah help us all. 

    Thanks sis Ana for the welcome back. Glad to be here 

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    Mena, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Jasmina wrote a beautiful, heartfelt post, full of wisdom that’s very helpful to all of us. She spoke on your behalf and said you should have another chance to be a part of the group. I’m going to  listen to her and take a chance on you once more.

    Please read Jasmina’s post and take heed. If you think you can follow some basic guidelines of not attacking and stay focus on what we’re here for, you’re welcome here, if you feel like coming back. It’s up to you. Remember, this is a pro-polygamy blog.

    I will ignore the last nasty personal attack that you made on me in a post that I deleted.

    Keep in mind that we’re all trying to learn and support one another here. All wives are equal. It’s not 1st wives against 2nd or vice versa.

     

  • Jasmina

    November 29, 2016

    mena

    I’ve been called out on things too mostly early on, you can read my earlier comments. Even you said something to me recently that was hurtful like that u felt I treat my husband like a dog but it made me reflect, you in that instance actually had a point and I wish you had said it in a nicer way, but it actually made me change my attitude towards him ever since alhamdulillah. Sometimes it helps to be diplomatic 

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    Umm of2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m glad you’re back https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif I asked about you the other day, hoping you were still reading.

    If I was the one or among the ones who made it seem you were attacking her, I sincerely apologize. Nonetheless, I did what I feel is best for the blog, as this has been going on for a while now and there didn’t seem to be any change in site. We can’t have the blog disrupted where we’re going back and forth with her just jerking people around, causing people not to want to write and creating a hostile tense atmosphere.

    I agree with you 100% that there is a difference between “tolerating” polygamy and “accepting” it.  Some women think that just because they don’t seek a divorce from their husbands and remain in a polygamous marriage, it’s acceptance. They think that it doesn’t matter that they hate or dislike polygamy. But it does matter. They think that suffering in it and taking it, all the while being unhappy in it is acceptance.  It’s not.

    This blog is about helping one another with the acceptance and the continued acceptance, not only of polygamy but of all that Islam entails, which is in the Holy Quran.

    Polygamy is no cakewalk. It is difficult. It is hard. We’ve talked about so much on this blog that can’t be summed up about tests/trials; purification of the heart; patience etc.

    A woman in a polygamous marriage has to learn patience. We must be patient because Allah says so. We must be patient because He has a plan. He says exercise patience in all that betides us – in all that happens to us. And he further says that it’s a patience with beautiful contentment.

    Anyhow, perhaps we could continue in an atmosphere of peace.

     

  • Jasmina

    November 29, 2016

    Ana

    i think Mena is going through a lot of pain yet she doesn’t seem to be accepting of that and seems to have much pride to admit to it or that there is trouble or that things are not so great. I feel her egos have been hurt by the marriage and she seems to be an overly confident person and so won’t show anyone her pain or accept that life isn’t as rosy. Some people are like that. I think she came here for support but wants us to rub her egos and when we see somethings not right we do cal the person out on it. I really think that as long as she can cut down on the attacks towards other bloggers and stop taking things so personal (I mean we are anonymous here lol) then u should give her a chance to be a part of the group. We respond based on what she tells us. If she could just tone it down with the hurtful sharp snarks that’s all. It’s a free world to have opinions but be responsible with that freedom, like I said we are here to support each other. 

  • Jasmina

    November 29, 2016

    Mena

    Sigh. I tried to side with u and show u support but u responded negatively. You sound very bitter and I have been there where I was very hurt that I became very defensive. InshaAllah you can come to terms with what is ailing you soon. Do understand that many sisters posting here also have pains in our life and we come to the blog to seek support and vent and not to bring each other down, we get that in real life and it’s hoped that on here we find solace in each other and understanding. No one has and is attacking you. You seem to have gone through something that has hurt u deeply. We won’t shy away from giving advice to each other though and as long as we do so in a respectful way then I’m all for it because it has helped me to go from being a bitter depressed scorned woman who was suicidal and in a lot of pain to a happy woman at peace and focusing on Allah. I hope you can take on some advice given here to remove the anger you have, if you let it grow it will consume you.

    regarding what you said, no I do not think about the sex aspect at all because to me marriage is about so much more. It is a normal act of marriage that doesn’t need me thinking about it or accepting it or not accepting it, simply I expect my husband to be intimate with his other wife but if they do or don’t it’s not any of my business and I do not think about it or care about it to the extent u do. I accept my husband is a polygamist and all it entails, I’m monogamous as I only have one husband, so it’s his business, I try to worry about what he does here in our household and not be consumed by his other life.  It’s only when she interferes that it becomes hard to stay focused other than that it would be perfect. 

  • Umm of2

    November 29, 2016

    Salaam

    Theres a difference between “accepting” polygamy and “tolerating” it which I noticed early on concerned/mena does. She confuses her tolerance for acceptance. Bashes second wives makes us seem we’re sloppy seconds but when I called her out, it was made as if I was attacking her. The truth shall prevail.

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    Mena,

    I said, “Once a woman accepts polygamy truly in her heart, she doesn’t think about her husband having sex with the other woman anymore. And if the thought crosses her mind, she quickly quash it. The thought is from Satan.”

    I said she doesn’t think about it when she becomes a believer. She does what Allah says in the Quran – when a thought from Satan assails your mind seek refuge in Him and lo you see alright. A woman will have Allah on her mind and won’t be thinking about her husband having sex with his other wife. Her mind won’t be on things like that and if the thought crosses her mind, she seek refuge in Allah.

    You are being satanic and acting like a non-Muslim. You’re saying the silly, ignorant things that they say and you’re making a mockery of Islam. You’re playing games.

    You’re done. Your posts will go into spam now and will be deleted. Go play with your kids.

  • Mena

    November 29, 2016

    Ana,

    You said I was wrong but provided no proof. 

    Jasmina 

    That sort of stuff is part of polygamy, so according to Ana unless you like your husband to have sex with someone else you dont accept polygamy. 

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    Something friggin happened to her, but there’s no need for her to take it out on people on this blog and turn the blog upside down, inside out and all around, poppin off at the mouth about whatever comes to mind, making no sense, trying to cause dissension hurting people here when no one here did a darn thing to her. It’s ridiculous and evil…

  • Jasmina

    November 29, 2016

    Saira

    just invite them to sleep at your house, tell them you are setting up your house so they can sleep there. And insist and do t let them invite you lol

    ao what happened when they stayed with the co at her house? I thought they were still there 

  • Jasmina

    November 29, 2016

    mena

    if I was thinking about that sort of stuff I’d too seriously dislike polygamy for myself plus be throwing up every day. Seriously that’s so nasty, no need to think of these things in detail you are only tormenting yourself with it. Just reading it makes me gag. 

    Sister you sound very young.  This is all a part of life, if it’s not one thing it will always be another. I have a friend who has the perfect marriage but lost her child due to a heart problem and her other child had same problem and has been in many operations. It’s a true test for her.  

    it seems to me like you feel very hurt and I wonder what is truly troubling you!? 

    Life is rough… but there is ease along with the hardships so look towards the ease in your life right now and the rest will be easy to overcome with time.

     

  • anabellah

    November 28, 2016

    Sister Saira,

    Alhumdulliah that your in-laws sent messages to you letting you know that they wanted to communicate with you. It goes to show that what you run from chases you, as we’ve been discussing. They began to respect you. It’s weird though that they didn’t reach out to you directly. Instead they wanted you to do it although they were the ones who treated you badly. Anyhow, it’s water under the bridge now. It doesn’t matter. The nice thing is that you’re all back to communicating with one another again.

    I totally get how you want to stay in your own home and have privacy with your new darling baby and your husband. I’m sure it will be such a special time. I’m one who love my privacy and being in a home with a whole bunch of people wouldn’t work well for me, sharing one bathroom and having no privacy with my husband. I don’t blame you for not wanting to be subjected to that.

    I could see if your in-laws lived in a huge house and you and your husband would have your own room and a bathroom that not EVERYONE shares. One bathroom with a whole bunch of people is not copasetic. It’s not cool as in it’s not lit -throwing in a little chuckle there. I understand the new cool word is “lit” lol. If you would have your privacy and be comfortable it would be a different story and I’d say go for it. But what you described is sounds nightmarish and I’d probably be overwhelmed at the thought of it and having to make a decision.

    Some women may go for that arrangement. It depends on the woman and her personality and disposition. Based on what you’ve stated, it’s not you. I’d want to do as you want to do – be comfortable, let my hair down, go to the bathroom as often as I want without waiting for someone to come out before you could use it. I wouldn’t want someone watching my every move either.

    Your husband will not only be visiting you there, but will be visiting everyone who lives there. You won’t have any alone time with him. I understand you won’t be able to have sexual relations, but you still could cuddle up while holding the baby and just take care of the little precious one just the two of you. I get it.

    Another thing you should consider is that there may be someone there who will tell your co your every move – when the husband is there, what he and you are doing etc. etc. etc. If you don’t mind her being all up in your business, it’s okay.

    Not only that, you’ll have someone constantly telling you what to do with the baby, how to do it and taking your baby and doing it etc. I’d probably need that as I’ve never had a baby before.LOL

    Sister Saira, you really don’t want any parts of that, so I’d say, don’t do it. Explain everything to your husband the way you explained it to us and let him know that you will stay in your own home. You need to do what makes you happy in this instance and not try to please them. If it was something that you’d need to do to seek the good pleasure of Allah, I’d say, of course, do it. It’s not one of those things.

    Can’t they come to your home and visit on a regular oppose to you up routing and going there to live among the tribe?

    People tend to respect us more if we take a firm position and stand by it. You did good in standing your ground before and you can do it again. If you find that you need help after you have the baby, Insha Allah, you could go there then.

    Those are my thoughts about the situation. Maybe Sister Mara S could chime in as she is with child 🙂 now too. See what she think she’d do under the conditions and circumstances that you described. I hope this post is helpful. Do lots of duah’s as well. Ask Allah to allow you to do what is best. Ask for His guidance. Take it easy and don’t stress. You need to be calm for the baby and for you and for hubby…

  • saira

    November 28, 2016

    Aslamu alaykum 

    sister Ana and all other ladies I know so much tension going on in this blog right now but I needed advice so I thougt to ask you all for opinion 

    as some of you know my in laws bloked me when co and in laws had issue with me 

    I tired to contact my mother in law on eid and she said she does not want to keep any contact with me and it’s good that way 

    I was so hurt and since then I never contacted them and hubby use to tell me what’s been happening in family and all 

    hubby told me they keep asking about me it’s been months nearly they keep asking hubby thay why I don’t call them and go and see them and all missing me 

    I didn’t reply to my husband as I knew from his conversation they asking him directly that I should contact them as they deep down feeling bad why they didn’t invited me on eid and had face on with me 

    I been ignoring when ever hubby ask me to call them 

    deep down I was still hurt and wanting them to contact me as it was not me who decided to cut all ties 

    I was not well last week and ended up in hospital and hubby inform my in laws 

    they ask hubby to give me message that they welcome me 

    so I was so sad in Hospiatl knowing I might end up having c section soon so I cried I called my mother in law

    she spoke so well with me and told me to just do bed rest and not to worry for any house work and all and she will send me food and what ever help I need and she will look after me 

    it was nice to talk to her since then she been sending soup and what ever she makes for me and hubby 

    mots been few days hubby been taking me for shopping etc as he planning to buy bigger house soon 

    today in eveing he took me to his sister and she said they done shopping for me and that my mother in laws is waiting to meet me 

    and she wants me to stay at her home for week or so after delivery as she wants to look after me and baby 

    I still not went to meet her hubby will take me some point 

    but his sister was talking to me and hubby and she said it was hubby ‘s fault who fought and we all family ended up portrate being bad in my situation 

    now I want to ask two things 

    one what will I do when I go and see my mother in law as I know they will bring up issue from past and try to discuss my mistakes and their mistakes which to be honest I don’t want it hear all again 

    and second I don’t know and not sure if I will like the idea of staying with them for over a week after delivery 

    as I wanted that time for me and hubby hubby agree he will stay like he does when I stay at his mum but they don’t have separate room for us 

    all these things annoying me 

    it is Special time for me and hubby and hubby love the idea I will stay at his mum 

    he said he will come but I know in less space he will be uncomfortable and so do it 

    there is less space and after deliver how will I cope 

    as I will have to express milk every other hour and having no room I will struggle and the thing I might won’t be able to sleep vd hubby is eating me up 

    meeting vd in Laws I might deal ok as I know I will come back in my own home but not sure about staying there .

    there is one toilet and my hubby brother and his wife lives there too and she is having baby same time as me 

    am just freaking out 

    I just want to stay at my own home where I won’t be shy and make plenty toilet trip with out feeling shy and sleep in my own bed and not thinking oh some one might see me and hubby sitting or lying togather 

    plz suggest me what should I do 

    it is nice to know in laws is trying make effort to have me back in family but I already missing my husband in all that 

    please sister Ana advice me what to do 

    my health is not so good and all this is over welming 

    not sure if I should be happy that mother in law excited to have me or feel bad that I will miss my husband where he promised he will come every other night to stay with me 

     

  • anabellah

    November 28, 2016

    Wrong!

  • Mena

    November 28, 2016

    There is a difference between liking a something and not liking that it is allowed. 

    People who dont accept polygamy or anything else dont like that it is part of the religion, they deny the permissabilty of it. People who accept polygamy, accept that it is allowed, they know it is permissable. That is the difference between acceptance and non acceptance. 

  • Mena

    November 28, 2016

    No, thats wrong. There is plenty of evidence. 

    “Warfare is ordained for you, though it is hateful unto you; but it may happen that ye hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that ye love a thing which is bad for you. Allah knoweth, ye know not”

    This ayat doesn’t just apply to war. The believer is the one that does whatever they are ordered to do even if they dont like to do it. If they dont like it, they should remain patient, and trust that it will be good for them. 

  • anabellah

    November 28, 2016

    Mena,

    A believer won’t dislike what Allah has allowed. Even if a man or a woman doesn’t actually live polygamy, the believer if the person is a believer that person will like it or learn to like it.

  • Mena

    November 28, 2016

    Ummof4.

    Not so long ago a comment was made here  (its been said more than once actually) That if two wives have only a wall separating them then it amounted to pornography, and that some people out there might be into that. Why didnt you find that comment vulgar? 

    Ana, 

    A person may not like something that is permissable, for example a vegetarian doesn’t like meat. They may think meat taste horrible, does that mean they are finding faults. Or is that just there preference. Are you honestly saying you LIKE everything that is permissable? every single kind of food,drink,style of clothing etc. Or do you accept the permissabilty of it, but still have a preference?. That is no different than me accepting the permissabilty of my husband having sex with multiple women but preferring for my husband to only have sex with me. I dont say its wrong, I dont say its harmful to me physically or religiously. Id just rather he only have sex with me. You cant keep mixing up what muslims are obligated to do/like/feel and what they’re not. 

    Washing with water, even thoughly doesn’t rid the body of all germs. Wives in polygamy share a lot more than time. 

    Ana, you have no idea exactly what a woman will do, say, think, feel when shes accepted polygamy. How would you ever know that? 

  • anabellah

    November 28, 2016

    How do they share body fluids anyhow unless they’re all having sex together at the same time in one big orgy or something? It makes no sense.

  • anabellah

    November 28, 2016

    Once a woman accepts polygamy truly in her heart, she doesn’t think about her husband having sex with the other woman anymore. And if the thought crosses her mind, she quickly quash it. The thought is from Satan.

  • anabellah

    November 28, 2016

    The comment about sharing body fluids was just bizarre. Why would a Muslim say something like that when the Prophet Muhammad was a polygamous man with nine wives? To talk about polygamy that way says something about what Allah has allowed for us to do, a way of life that Allah has allowed us to live. So when someone says something like that it’s finding fault in Allah.

    Having a concern about catching some type of disease, is probably a legitimate concern. Not being able to handle the fact that one’s husband has sex with another woman is a common problem that women of today share about polygamy. But, those are things we all need to get over. And in time, hopefully sooner than later the woman will, with the help and permission of Allah.

  • ummof4

    November 28, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Very sad, you decided to stay married to your husband after you say he admitted committing adultery.  Some women stay, some women leave.  Since you decided to stay, why do you feel you have the right to “punish” your husband by not letting him in his own house?  Think about that and the Islam of it all.

    Also, Very sad, I was offended by the comments you made about the black man who was married to your husband’s ex-wife.  You implied that because he is black, there is a higher chance of you getting HIV than if he was of another ethnic group.  All converts to Islam are not fornicators, Muslims are not the only people who wait until they are married to have sex.  Unless you have proof that someone was a fornicator (a child or a confession), don’t assume.  When we take our shahaadah Allah forgives our sins of the past.  We start off with a clean slate.  May Allah help all of us in dealing with our prejudices and realize that we are supposed to be one ummah.

    Mena, the comment you made a few days ago about some women “getting off” on sharing bodily fluids was vulgar.  Alhamdulillah that you have said that you would think more before you write on the blog and not just say anything that is on your mind.  None of us knows what our spouse is doing sexually unless we are together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  This includes us wives as well as the husbands.  Even if a Muslim man and woman get married and both say they are virgins, you are just taking their word for it.  Either or both of them could have committed fornication before marriage, and Allah did not reveal their sin.

    Let’s not believe that those of us who were born and reared Muslim are better than converts(reverts) to Islaam.  The most righteous person is one of the best character and the most obedient to Allah.

    What I have said that is correct is from Allah, and what I have said that is wrong is from me or the influence of Shaytan.

  • anabellah

    November 28, 2016

    That’s beautiful. Thank you, Tasliyman! 🙂

  • Tasliyman

    November 28, 2016

    Aslm

    I came across a nice reminder that I thought I would share.  Sometimes we get so caught up in our problems that we forget about the many things we actually have to be thankful for.

    O Allah, Thank you for my eyesight, Thank you for my hearing, thank you for my breathing, Thank you for my life, Thank you for my family, But most importantly Thank you for Islam.

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Leila, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, 🙂

    I am happy you’ve found the blog as well and it’s been helpful to you. You’ve grasped the most important point, which is to put Allah first and do all to please Him. Once we do that, everything else falls into place and gets easy. Life becomes more beautiful, more than we’ve ever known.

    You said you’re not perfect. You’re right that none of us are. I’ll be the first to say that I am not. It’s important that we strive to be the best that we can be and it only can happen with the help and permission of Allah. But, we’ve got to want it. I pray Allah have mercy on us all.

    Alhumdulliah that you have gotten yourself together, have gotten yourself a wali and Insha Allah are on the Mustaqueen (straight path). Good for you, sister 🙂 I know you must feel so good about yourself.

    It’s good that your brother is your wali. Did you say that your family is Muslim? I can’t remember. Your brother would need to be Muslim if he is your wali. If he is Muslim and your wali, it’s excellent because, Insha Allah, he’ll have your best interest at heart. He has love for you and would want the best for you – I hope. Do you think that your brother’s Imam (faith) is strong enough for him to make the right decisions for you with regard to your future husband? Does he have the same belief in Islam that you have?

    Your brother should find out what your intended’s intentions are towards you. He should find out if your intended has told his other wife about you. How will he divide his time between you and her; how much money will he give you; What bills will he pay; where will you live; how much vacation time will you and she receive; what will be the schedule, if any; will you be able to reach out to him whenever you want to via text or phone calls – those are the type of things you should try to iron out in advance. You could be present or on a three-way conversation with your brother and intended too, because it concerns you and you need to input about it or you could tell your brother what you want and have him relay it to your intended or you may have already discussed much of what I suggested already with your intended.

    Insha Allah, you need to figure out when you’d like to get married, so you and he could begin planning it and a life together. I think you said you and he live in different countries. Have you met this man in person? If not, before you commit to marrying him, maybe you and your brother could travel there to meet him or he come here to meet with you and your brother. It’s better to have a face to face, if you can. It’s not absolutely necessary.

    We are here, if you have any more questions or just want to talk.

  • Leila

    November 27, 2016

    Salaam Sisters

    I am indeed happy I found and insha Allah part of this amazing group, I have learnt so much just by my single post…….apart from polygamy…..The group has taught me the importance of  putting our creator first and do all to please him……. I am not a perfect muslim, still working on myself and how to be better (we all are) ain’t we….. Insha Allah we all shall receive Allah’s mercies

    To all sisters that have made input on my post I say shukran…..

    I have been going about the relationship with the said man in a wrong way and I have indeed stopped all communication with him, my father is late and so my elder brother is my Wali and he is to get in touch with him….. Please sisters, I need advice on how to go about the whole process and how to act in future……..

    very sad ……… I was flabagasted by your last post, your first post was very touching and all sisters here were trying to help a sister that is going through something they have gone through or still going through, no one is perfect and we should seek Allah for his direction always, in my opinion, for you to flip all of a sudden and start using others peoples struggles and opinions against them just said so much about you and so little about your co-wife… But that is my own opinion, that doesn’t say I’m right or you are wrong….. May Allah forgive us all 

     

     

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum, All

    We all partook in some really good discussions today. I began writing to VerySad, but realized the post was long enough and important enough to make an article out of it.

    Here is the link: https://www.polygamy411.com/did-she-hurt-her-sister-in-faith/

    It’s probably very rare to find any woman who embraces polygamy happily, unless she was the one who wanted her husband to take another wife or they both thought it was a good idea from jump street.

    Most women here never wanted anything to do with polygamy, therefore it’s a personal jihad. It’s a battle with oneself. I think we only see how ugly what we feel is when we hear it expressed by someone else.

    I think the discussions that we have here bare good fruit. We are all women feeling the same thing some at different times than others or at the same time. We deal with the same emotions, wanting to get better, to heal and be the best servants to Allah that we can be. All women are in this boat together. Let’s lift one another up and not tear one another down. Let’s speak truth, although many times the truth hurts https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif BUT, it gets better https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2016

    Karima,

    You must feel so good about yourself being a teacher. That’s so awesome. We all have so many skills, talents and gifts that Allah has given us that we need to be thankful to Him for.

    Staying home and raising children is a very special gift as well. And Allah bless the ones who work outside the home and raise children at home too. That is HUGE https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    Umm of 2,

    Are you out there? If you are, give us a holler. Long time, no hear from. What’s shaking? https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif

  • Saira

    November 26, 2016

    Sister very sad 

    am sorry if I hurt you but I am not angry that you hate polygamy it is the way you think of it 

    polygamy if not force situation you can’t handle it but your husband was coward who marrige had sex with that women and couldn’t had guts to stand up for the other women 

    hope fully he will look after that women’s finance until she is in iddah period 

    that thing local imam must have told him am sure 

    my husband in start ask me if I want him to divorce his other wife when I found out many lies he made to me 

    I refuse I would not want that for my sister in Islam 

    yes I tried many times to leave and he alwsy mange to keep me 

    you don’t know what he been doing behind your back and the way he divorce her Allah knows his heart and his act 

    if I were you I woudnt feel angry toward women I would feel hate towards my husband 

    now that he done divorce 

    it will be nice of you too if you too sit down and think what you can do for the women 

    as you said your husband is wealthy 

    he will feel good about your thoughts as well and that women will have some peace from something as well 

    help her finacilly till the iddah period 

    i am only trying to give you advice sister don’t think bad about me 

    we all feel pain and Sorrow some point but just let Allah deal with every thing and try to just forgot about feelings at the moment and help that women 

    again am sorry if you didn’t like what I said but as you are my sister in Islam 

    i should tell you advice accordingly base of Islamic teaching 

    or you can ask your imam what is best you can do for her in that period while she is not able to work or go out freely in idah period 

     

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2016

    Sister Saira,

    Thanks for the post. It was so touching, beautiful and full of wisdom for us all. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Saira

    November 26, 2016

    Sister very sad 

    actually I am very sad after reading your post 

    just coz your husband get rid of the other women does not mean Allah erase everything as well 

    your post so mean about polygamy and about Ana 

    if you think polygamy is so bad then how you say you belive in whole Quran 

    the reason prophet pbuh never advise Hazrat Ali a.s to have more wife’s was only as Hazrat Fatima  never had sister or mother or close relative to help her in this situation 

    I wish you truly read Quran and understand not just ask cherry pick people about their opinion 

    all our mother suffer jelousy from each other’s specially Hazrat Aisha A.s

    who are we to question that 

    Allah made man’s nature like that and made it pure and halal for man to marry up to 4 so he won’t desire unlaw full act out side of marrige 

    if your husband done unlaw full act with his X wife then am sure he was not child who got scared from that women and done all that 

    he done very wrong vd that women humiliate her in public 

    if she was so bad why did he end up marrying her and if she ask you for more time with him it was her right at that time 

    many of us here got marrige and would have done same if husband was not giving them their rights 

    what if she didn’t contacted you would your husband still hide her from you 

    if he was in love with you he could have brought that matter with you not the other women 

    I disagree that other women could have told you before getting marrige to him 

    I don’t care even if she was a stripper he still marrige her if they both done haram act in past both were wrong 

    but I don’t see how she was wrong by marrying your husband ?

    what if she was pure lady reading 5 time salah ?

    what was the excuse then 

    i can see you happy to get rid from her but I would say make toba when you talk like this 

    Allah does not like arrogance 

    today you have something tomorrow you might won’t have 

    if something is certain in this world is 

    that we will die with out any notice 

    when we say our finger hurts actually we can’t even say our as it belong to Allah we didn’t bought from Amazon 

    it’s amazing people are so blind talking like this and forget we all belong to Allah and we have to go back to him and we don’t fear at all and question Allahs law 

    it must be test for you and your husband and for the other lady 

    Allah has given us power to make good and bad deed either get up for fajar or not and if we up reading namaz or not it’s our descion 

    Allah surely test us with good and bad and biggest test is to see how we cope in ease as in difficulty we bow down to him and soon we got our goals we becom arrogant

    id this women repent and got marrige it must be test from Allah to check how she deals and same to you and your husband 

    fear Allah alone and do istahfar

    even our prophet use to do istahfar all the time and as believer we know our prophet is sinless 

    inshAllah if you think we all women here are suffering it is test from Allah and we will get reward from him alone 

    Alhamdulih 

    sister Ana love and JazakAllah for being here for us 

    love to have all sisters here 

     

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Well said https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif We all live it and learn it. One thing for sure, we can’t learn it from men, scholars, Imams or husbands because they aren’t women and have no clue how women feel and what they go through.  At least women here have an opportunity to learn from one another.

  • Jasmina

    November 26, 2016

    Verysad 

    also if she did do wrong and lie it is an example of how Allah always brings the truth no matter how much we try to hide it, what starts badly ends badly. We can not say this is the case. The sister was humiliated nonetheless, there could have been a better way. Also giving a husband an ultimatum if an indirect way of telling him to leave her if he wants you to stay in the marriage, you have stated after all.

    i want to make it clear we don’t judge you frankly we have all been through similar scenarios except in many instances our husband just ignored it and were not such cowards. I am a first wife and my husband left me because of what the second wife did to discredit me and make me out to look evil and she pressured him just the same way you did.  My husband contacted me regularly trying to get me back. He was so bitter about the situation he worked in UAE and stayed away from the second wife anyway. Then we reconciled and she’s a miserable person who has now tried to repeat what she did back then to break up up but my husband has wisened up and he hasn’t let me go even when Ive tried lol.  

    I guess the reaction we are having is because we have read soo many stories here, many similar ones, and the biggest lesson for me has been to do things in a way that is pleasing to Allah because it usually comes back to bite you otherwise. Also we have learnt that the second and thirds and fourth wife also have a heart and we respect all wives here equally. No one is better than the other or more deserving, piety is what makes one better over another. The self entitlement that some women have is natural but the test is in controlling this. Allah put something in your path, did you deal with this in the right way or wrong way only Allah can just judge and I guess you won’t know until u are brought to account.

    If he wasn’t married to her and it was an affair, I’d say leave. Even then I wouldn’t tell u to do what u did because seriously as if a cheating man is worth it. But she was married to him so dang that’s just pretty bad. Anyhow to each their own.

  • Jasmina

    November 26, 2016

    Very sad 

    firstly in Islam you can not accuse someone of adultery without witnesses.  However accusing a chaste woman of such comes with grave consequences.  You don’t know for certain the circumstances rather you have made many assumptions based on what you have written.  Now she is verysad and who know with a son in her own probably homeless and struggling but who cares right. We as humans are so short sighted. 

    I sometimes regretted telling my husband I wouldn’t mind polygamy but then at least I  can sleep at night.

    All I have to say is that you got your way now and enjoy it, but every atoms weight of injustice Allah will bring it to account, on her part and on yours. Her husband was oppressing her by not being just and the prayers of the oppressed are always answered, keep that in mind.  

    What you forced your husband to do was wrong and if I were you I would live in fear, if not in this world then in the next. Allah is merciful so spend your time in repentance. 

    Your husband is a coward and I hope Allah guides him. 

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2016

    Marah S

    LOL https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif I didn’t always keep my cool. I used to go off like a crazy person  https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gifon the older version of the blog. My blood pressure use to go sky high when I replied to some people. I’m surprised I didn’t stroke out back then. I’ve come a long ways in many a things over the years.

    About VerySad, she is very, very sad and hurt. It’s why she lashed out at me in her frustration because I spoke the truth to her.

    I’m better able to ignore ignorance now, as Allah says to do. I don’t always do it, but I try. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I don’t.

    She’s going to find that just because her husband divorced the other because it ‘s what she (VerySad) wanted doesn’t take away the love that he has in his heart for the other woman.  Even, if he stops loving the other, there is no guarantee that he won’t go find another one. VerySad won’t know what he is feeling and he may end up resenting her. A man can’t like a selfish woman like that. He gets turned off by it. It’s sad when someone has to strong arm someone into being with her only.

    It’s all good, though https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif I just don’t see anything getting better for her anytime soon with that attitude and wrong beliefs. Her problems are just beginning…

     

     

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2016

    Marah S

    How you feel and think is the same as I do. You summed it up so nicely all of my feelings and thoughts EXACTLY. I’ve been through and am going through all that you described. We just keep getting better and better, which is incredibly awesome. I agree with you that we all (barring some that come here and we know who they are) are rare diamonds. Allah says that He will put the believers together. It could be what he has done for many of us on this blog.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Marah S

    November 26, 2016

    And anabellah you are seriously awesome, I don’t know how you keep your cool with some people. Thank you so much for keeping this blog running I’m sure it’s not always easy.

  • Marah S

    November 26, 2016

    Wow!

    reading verysad’s last post makes me so grateful. I’ve come to a place where I can say that I make an effort to accept everything that is in the Quran even when at first I may not like it or I may not understand. Im not a perfect Muslim and I have a long way to go but alhamdulillah at least I’ve come this far. And it makes me even more grateful for all the sisters here who encourage one another to turn to Allah and accept Allah’s decree even if it’s hard at first. The sisters here are seriously some rare diamonds, sometimes I forget that not all Muslims are like the sisters that often contribute here. 

  • Mena

    November 26, 2016

    I look forward to the post Ana

    Id just like to remind everyone  (readers and bloggers) That we MUST be EXTREMELY careful about what we say in regards to our Prophet, his family and compainions. We cannot assume what they was thinking and why they did whatever it is they did. A person would be very silly to speak about what they have no knowledge of. Unless you have recived the knowledge about what our prophet did and didnt say then I suggest all to leave it alone. 

    Very sad

    Ali, fatimas husband had many women who were halal for him, he had children from these women, not all of them were wives. 

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum, All 🙂

    I was inspired to write a post/theme based on the discussions that we’ve been having today. Insha Allah, I’ll have it completed shortly, so we all can contemplate it.

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2016

    That story of Fatima and Ali is not in the Holy Quran. Furthermore, Allah says that the Prophets are our examples. Fatima and Ali are not.

    The only Muslims who refer to the story of Fatima and Ali are the ones who look for any excuse not to accept polygamy. They don’t go to the Quran for guidance. There are so many variations to that story about Fatima and Ali to the point that no one knows which one if any of them is true. No one knows which one, if any is accurate. No one knows all the circumstances surrounding that story.

    People who repeat that story don’t realize how they slander the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). In essence, they say he is a hypocrite because he married many women and was polygamous, hurting women, but didn’t want his own daughter to hurt. It’s saying the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said, don’t do as I do, as only I can hurt women, but you can’t. It’s saying that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) thought polygamy was wrong and hurtful, but he was a selfish man and did it anyhow. People need to wake up and realize what they say and the harm that it does before they open their mouths and repeat something that someone said or they read.

    The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) married the women whom Allah allowed him to marry. His wives were selected by Allah the same way ours spouses are. He had a set number the same as any other man does, except he was allowed more than four.

    No one here said that Allah doesn’t like divorce and no one here told you that you need to stay in a polygamous marriage. Most of the women on this blog, NOT ALL, believe in Allah’s decree and don’t want to interfere in what Allah has made lawful. If a man and a woman are in a polygamous marriage, Allah decreed it. He made it so. If a woman want out of a marriage for no other reason than because her husband married another, it’s says a lot about what is in her heart. It’s says a lot about her lack of faith in Allah. You have to account to Allah for being a pathetic, selfish soul.

  • Verysad

    November 26, 2016

    Ana I want make it clear I didn’t ask him to divorce her, I said I don’t want to live polygamous life Im leaving. HE decided divorce her.Also husband said she was married other man but slept with him, so no guarantee after she married H she didn’t or will not sleep with somebody else. Ana which 4 witnesses required when they both confirmed openly. Brother Imam said divorce is final. Ana also u Umm4 said if we don’t accept polygamy we don’t accept Koran. I asked brother & sister abt that. They said nothing like that, Koran is general guidance. For example, they said jihad prescribed for men but not every man capable of killing either physically or emotionally even if enemy in front of him ,God knows that. It doesn’t make them less muslim maybe they will get their rewards by other means. Same with polygamy he said. They told me about story of Fatima & Ali I guess all of u know when Ali wanted marry other woman, Fatima would divorce him. Brother said many male scholars these days argue she prevented that marriage only because girl was daughter of enemy of Islam. But he thinks she didn’t like polygamy at all otherwise she would suggest him some other girl. That time there were so many battles and widows, prophet married as many as he could and encouraged other men to take widows. Every time he marrued new wife, resources like financial and sex would decrease for previous wives. But when Fatima came crying , he didn’t say” look sharing is caring just fall on praying rug and cry cry cry & pray pray pray”. He knew she was not capable of it. Also brother said prophet cousin divorced her husband Bilal because she didn’t like him and later married prophet. But still she is called mother of believers. Yes God doesn’t t like divorce but he doesn’t want us crying and live miser.So they explained that over centuries people complicated Islam badly especially new reverted muslim classify everything either halal or haram which is wrong. That s why new muslim more likely become extremists.Now after he explained I love Islam even more knowing how flexible it is to human needs. Ana u can ban me now I don’t care. I feel sorry for u, I think years of suffering made u very tramatizied and maybe even little bit mentally disturbed( which I hope not). God doesn’t want our sacrifices but MEN want. Salam.

  • Marah S

    November 26, 2016

    Verysad,

    You should be careful. You got your husband back, and he’s decided to leave the other woman but if you keep acting arrogant and not letting him back in his home, he may crawl back to her. You should let him come home and start patching up your marriage and being a good wife to him. 

  • Marah S

    November 26, 2016

    The situation sounds like a mess. I don’t feel sorry for the other woman either. I figure if this is what Allah has chosen to put her through than she deserves it, Allah does not unjustly punish people or put them through trials they can’t handle. However I don’t think verysad’s actions are innocent either, she acted on her desire and sought that this woman be humiliated in front of everyone, sought to expose the other woman’s sins and is enjoying this woman’s pain. Neither of the two are right in this situation both of them have done wrong actions.

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2016

    We could view polygamy as a test for a woman and a man. Whether it is or not, Allah knows best.

    I often refer to the ayah in Quran in which Allah says we cannot enter Paradise without being tested like those who came before us. I read one of the ayat about it this morning. I’ve place it below:

    “Or do ye think that ye shall enter the Garden (of bliss) without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? they encountered suffering and adversity, and were so shaken in spirit that even the Messenger and those of faith who were with him cried: “When (will come) the help of Allah?” Ah! Verily, the help of Allah is (always) near!”  Surah 2, ayah 214

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2016

    Saira,

    It’s not necessarily over for the other woman, VerySad and her husband, not by a long shot. If he loved his other wife, those feeling don’t necessarily go away over night. He may have been angry with his other for what he found out, but it doesn’t mean he will remain angry.

    A woman who influences her husband to divorce another doesn’t come out on top or a winner. Just because the man is no longer with the other doesn’t mean the love stops, nor does he stop longing for the other. It doesn’t bring him closer to the selfish wife either. Infact, he may begin to despise her.

    Saira, I agree with you 100% about what you said regarding adultery. There is clear indication in the Quran that we are supposed to leave that alone and let Allah deal with it. If there weren’t four witnesses to the actual act, then there is not proof of adultery. Furthermore, one should tell another not to confess to such a thing. It’s between the person and Allah.

    VerySad,’s husband and his other may have repented, IF they committed adultery and maybe Allah has forgiven them. Yet, people want to condemn someone for life for an act that Allah may have forgiven.

    If he and the woman committed adultery, it’s even more reason for them to be married to each other.

  • Mena

    November 26, 2016

    I dont feel sorry for the other woman. not at all. CLEARLY from how it all went down (the affair, the marriage amd her calling very sad to demand her time) that woman was thinking of no one but herself. She didn’t have one once of respect, care or consideration for very sad. Why,now should very sad think about her. What did she think,she was gonna show up at very sads house and leave with her husband, leaving very sad, very sad. at the end of the day if the law was being applied then very sad husband and his new wife would have faced the hadd punishment for fornication and adultery. So, getting divorced was a lesser punishment. People evil will catch up with them, in this life or the next. 

  • Verysad

    November 26, 2016

    Saira, I don’t feel sorry for her & not going  do dua for her. I know from Islamic point of view none of them had to inform me. But there is humanitarian cause is well, which I & even my H believe higher than religious cause. I ll explain, my H said once if he is on battlefield & there r 2 men bleeding badly, he will rush to help first to whom is more dangerous condition not based on religion even if another man is made enemy. It was not farz  for her to contact me & ask my opinion but it could be nice of her & could save her from all that drama & humiliation. I can’t understand how 1 woman can do that in her clear sense to another so much pain. It is not humane even it is halal. In ur previous post u said if I divorce him I might finish as somebody second wife. Saira I know rule never say never in life, but I don’t think I would ever do that to another woman unless I m at risk of starving to death or have no roof above my head. But living in West countries we have option to earn, it is not hard plus government helps a lot like kids benefits etc. Even basic work like pizza delivery can provide roof. If first wife lives in misery and sadness for years husband will never be happy, if husband not happy second wife can’t be happy. Really do u think God wants all this drama and misery or men want it?

    Of course, I will let him come back & forgive but let first him go through what I felt last 14 days hell on earth.

     

  • Mena

    November 26, 2016

    Very sad

    Yes, I was informed about the nikkah. me and my husband (mostly me) talked about it at length. I said all I needed to and left the rest up to him, thinking he had understood. We had a MAJOR miscommunication which we still dont agree on to this day. By the time I found out, it was to late, I couldn’t turn round and say Id changed my mind (weather that would have made a difference or not I dont know) She was ready to get married and I felt bad to crush her dreams. Anyway, she pretended to be happy with the set up, happy with my husbands intentions and reasons for marrying her then fliped the script after the marriage. My husband managed it well and she knew of she carried on he would divorce her. She settled down but recently started again. 

    I knew your husband would divorce her. In most polygamous marriages when the first finds out or the reality hits her the husband offers to divorce the new wife. Iv never heard (until now) that a wife has taken up the offer. They either struggle through or ask for divorce. In your case you still want a divorce, maybe you’ll feel differently once you’ve had a chance to calm down. Most of us have had a crying husband in front of us telling us what a mistake it was, how sorry they are and the classic line that ‘they didn’t know’. I was just thinking last night how irrelevant the additional wife is in regards to the current wife feelings. It could be any woman, the pain is in the fact that our husband thought about, wanted and did marry someone else. So, when he offers to divorce the new wife we realise that we cant go back to how it was anyway, we have to keep going forward. With or without a husband, with or without a co wife. 

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2016

    Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I, too, feel sorry for the other lady. But, it’s okay, VerySad probably hasn’t seen sadness yet. It was wrong for her to meddle in that man and his wife’s marriage the way that she did. It’s not uncommon for women to do when they are hurt, but it’s wrong and sinful. I’m in the middle of writing another reply regarding Leila. Insha Allah, I’ll be back.

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum to All,

    I want to make one thing very, very clear in case I have confused anyone with my post to Leila. Leila said that she told the man whom she is intended to that his first wife must be in agreement to the marriage before she (leila) would agree to marry him. I advised her to stop saying it because she was ALREADY emotionally involved with the woman’s husband. She has established a relationship with him and is in love with him already. Where was her concern for the man’s wife during all of that? Just because the wife didn’t know about Leila, did it make it okay? Is “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” make it okay? It’s why there doesn’t appear to be any sincerity in Lela saying she is concerned about that woman. As soon as she leans the man is married, a woman who is concerned, tells the man who is sniffing around her that she wants nothing to do with him and tells him to get to steppin, to keep it moving when she finds out he has another wife and it REALLY matters to her. It’s why it sounds to me that Leila simply doesn’t want to be perceived as a bad person, although she shouldn’t be viewed that way unless she is an unbeliever. We should love and hate what Allah loves and hates, not what we selfishly love or hate.

    This post continues…

  • Saira

    November 26, 2016

    Aslamu alakykum 

    very sad 

    sister I don’t know what was the situation how your hubby got marrige and then divorce her 

    Allahs knows best but I am feeling sorry for the other lady 

    who ever jump on getting married but it should not be happening to any sister in islam 

    now that he divorce her why u not seeing that he is crying and u making him stay away 

    he is trying to please you its not easy but try to not stretch so much 

    what ever that women did Allahs knows but polygamy is halal 

    just make dua for your self and your hubby and for the women and move on 

    he done Halal thing he should not be punish 

    if he done aduletry let Him and Allah deal with that 

    am sorry if I up set you 

    but he jump and try to punch her feel like he just didn’t had respect for that lady 

    could be as they had intimate before neekah 

    such a sad world 

    that is happend when women involve in relationship and go far away in to intimidate and never bother to invole wali in starts and that’s what happens in the end 

    no respect in husband eyes 

    both done wrong but women get more punish 

  • Very Sad

    November 26, 2016

    Ana thanks for creating & maintaining this blog. I see it very helpful to so many sisters around the world.

     

  • Very Sad

    November 26, 2016

    Everything is over. He divorced her so easily without any hesitation. It was such a drama, at some point he even lost it & jumped to punch her but Brother managed it. I still asked for divorce but imam said no 3 months for reconciliation first then we will see. I agreed on condition that H will stay out but can come sit with kids anytime. He cried and stood on his knees asking forgiveness & not throw him out. It was such disgusting. I looked in his eyes & realised I feel nothing. I m afraid I lost my love for him. I m glad everything finished in 2 weeks span  I don’t like stretch things for long time.

    Mena, ur comment is very interesting and inspiring, thanks. I smiled first time in two weeks after reading about cats.? Honestly that crossed my mind too. What is ur story, did ur H informed u before or after Nikah.?

    Karima, Ana is right u sound so sweet lady. I want ask u question, however I know technically it hard to answer. How ur realisation that u don’t love him anymore came? Did it happen suddenly or u were losing & decreasing in love over long period of time? Do u think love can spark if he would change? I know each story different I should not project other people case on mine, but still there r so many similarities all sisters here share.

     

  • Karima

    November 26, 2016

    Salam nice video Ana?

  • Saira

    November 26, 2016

    Sister Ana 

    JazakAllah for kind words my cheeks still bushing ??

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2016

    One of my favorite motivational videos

  • Karima

    November 26, 2016

    Salam Ana

    thank you for your kind words! I just try to see things on the long run what would be more beneficial to my kids?  Western psychology says that kids they feel everything if mom is stressed frustrated n unhappy.  ….im better than before alhamdulellah n though sometimes when I reach my limits I’m not all that patient n sweet  I just say to my almost 6 year old son I’m tired from things like housework running in the city for errants n things that have to do with my 1-2 hours of teaching per day, community responsibilities n all.  N I apologize to him for …. sigh.  But u know Ana I feel at the moment I have t do this to keep my mind busy instead of being a cry baby over H , ” what he did to me” n all. Yes he lied as most people do But me being in love from the start is the wrong reason I stayed with him n married him.  N then again no man is perfect as I am not either.  It’s in their nature to lust for women either they can control n do things properly or not. I thought in the past many times about divorcing but will I feel better after that???  N will my kids suffer more? I stay cause he is a great dad far better than mine n provides for us.  I wouldn’t want my kids to leave in financial insecurity as I felt growing up.  H leaves me in peace to do whatever I want n doesn’t check me alhamdulellah. Nothing is perfect as I am not either. But we are better. Deep down I feel broken n disappointed but not only because of him but of people my family n friends in general. Can’t cut ties with people need to either let it go , accept things n trust God or really cut ties if u are that strong n capable.  I’m only better cause I turn to God for patience n help.  I cry to him and not t people.  Very few have soft hearts n genuine care for others. We all have our battles n H always says u don’t know what happening behind closed doors. Alhamdulellah he is not abusive in any way and our intimate relationship is better.  I learned how to have sex with him without feelings lol.  I don’t know how it happened but it’s only sex for me now.  I don’t tell him these stuff I don’t go to deep conversations with him in general cause he is not communicating in the way I ” expect” him to or need him to do. He is as he is n he won’t change. Alhamdulellah it’s all good. God blessed me in so many other ways n H is not the reason to give me self worth , not at all. Alhamdulellah for my kids my health and my teaching, projects!!!!  My goal is to raise my son in a way to really respect women and to be an honest and correct Muslim!!!!  To be straight forward with his wive or wives from the beginning.  To know polygyny is his right but he has to do things right!!!! Alhamdulellah n to raise my daughter knowing the true nature of men , not to take it personally and not to let her H play with her feelings and all.  If possible. It’s a huge task sigh.  Inshallah things will work out.  Amin

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum, All https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Sadyah,

    It was so nice of you to lay it all out there so nicely for VerySad. We don’t hear much from you, but it’s way nice when we do. I don’t remember your story. It not as easy for me to keep up with everyone the way I used to especially when sisters stops in sporadically. It’s just nice when you pop in. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2016

    Sister Mena, As Salaamu Alaikum, 🙂

    I really like your post a lot. It’s so inspiring and helpful. Thank you much for sharing about your progress. You did yourself proud. Doesn’t it feel so good to see how far you’ve come.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif Growth is beautiful. We just have to keep working on ourselves and stay focused on what matters most – Allah swt.  I pray that He is well pleased with us.

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2016

    Sister Karima,

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam. It’s so good to hear from you. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif I missed you too, so much. I thought about you often and wanted to ask about you, but I didn’t want you to feel pressured to come back before you were ready. You said that you were taking a break so I didn’t want to interfere with your space. I’m just so happy that you’re back.  https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    It’s good to know that you’re well and are happier in your life now. It sounds you’ve got your head on straight and you are handling everything really well. Alhumdulliah! Keep up the good work, Sis.

    It’s so weird because you and Saira seem so much a like in your personalities that shine through in your writings. You two are such nice, sweet people, with kind hearts. You both seem so special. I’m so happy to know you both.

    All the peeps (people) here are so wonderful and I’m so grateful to Allah that He brought us all together. Insha Allah, we’ll all meet up together in Jannah/Paradise. That would be Awesome!

  • Karima

    November 25, 2016

    salam Sisters

    sis Ana I’ve been a silent reader but always around. I ve missed You. Alhamdulellah i am good im focusing on the blessings of my life alhamdulellah and put H on a much lower place lol.  Still dont know if he married her but i assume if he didnt he will eventually or who knows? The change is that the 2 évenings per month away from Home supposedly on a business trip has Become 4 nights.  I ve learnt to Stay busy With teaching n projects and all. Alahmdulellah I feel stronger and happier. It’s sad to say this but I stopped loving H cause his lies and deceiving hurt me for too long that I have lost respect for him. I ve became good in acting and go along with the wife part n I left him in peace. I stopped asking cause I prefer not to have him lie.  I feel a relief when he leaves alahmdulellah . I realize I invested too much in him and he didnt worth it. Now I re evaluate my life. I have no clue what future holds if I will stay or not at the moment we have a status quo. I try to stay prepare in case he ll find the guts to say I’m married or will be or what ever. She has been contacting me once a month since the summer upsetting me and hurting me. I told her she should sort out all her issues with H as im giving them the green light.  As if I’m the one  who is deciding???!!!! Alhamdulellah I feel some peace after so many years!!!

    Mena I loved your last post.

    i pray for all of u sisters I know how it feels but it can get better !!!

  • Marah S

    November 25, 2016

    Verysad,

    If it is true that she was having an affair with your husband while married to another man than I can understand your concern. The situation sounds complicated. I forgot that you mentioned your husband was sleeping with her before marriage, that in my opinion would be a better reason to consider divorce than just polygamy alone because adultery is a major sin, where as polygamy is not. Allah says the good women are for good men and bad women are for bad men. So if everything turns out to be true, maybe it is better for you to remove yourself from this situation. I hope you get the answers you need soon to make the best decision for yourself and the children. 

  • Mena

    November 25, 2016

    Very sad

    I just read your latest comment, dont be surprised by the character of some of these women. I know what you mean, one man sharing multiple women is common and normal in certain communities. Sharing bodily fluids means nothing to some women, maybe they even get off on it. 

  • Mena

    November 25, 2016

    Leila

    I second all that Ana said to you. If a woman REALLY cares about the other woman she would make her intent not to marry her husband. If a woman marries a married man she is the one who has to live with the decision to hurt her sister in faith. For some woman it is an easy task for others they’ve too much heart and would rather go without a husband for the time being. 

    Very sad

    Im sorry your feeling this way right now. Theres not much I can say that hasn’t already been said. marahs wrote an excellent comment to you, divorce for some women can be just as hard if not harder than polygamy. Some women were glad they divorced, found a new husband and got on with life. when the reality of polygamy hit me, divorce crossed my mind, I spoke to my husband about it and he said theres no way he is divorcing me, and if polygamy is the problem, then he’ll get rid of the problem. From your husbands reaction he most probably wont divorce you but will divorce the other wife. You might think that your husband divorcing one of you will solve the problem, it wont. Either way you look at it your life has changed forever, thats ok, nothing stays the same anyway. 

    Your post sounded a lot like me when I was first forced into polygamy. In the end I made my intent to only focus on the religion. I thought with or without polygamy my marriage, my life is ruined, that there’s NOTHING left for me in this world and I would just be depressed, miserable and full of rage for the rest of my life so I best just get used to that an look forward to my reward for having to live through this torture in shaa Allaah, because, quite rightly, no man is worth the pain of polygamy.  I damm sure wasnt going to live this way JUST to have a husband (growing old alone seemed like a much better option, ill just buy some cats). The thoughts of my co wife having my husband to herself never bothered me because I knew he would be sad without me, so all she would be getting was a miserable man who would probably end up resenting her. Anyway, any shread of happiness seemed impossible so I just got on with what is commanded of me by Allah. To my surprise I began to feel happy again, I began to look forward to things again, I smiled again. Day by day I grew stronger in deen, I remembered Allah A LOT more, had more focus in my prayers. One day I realised that although I thought polygamy would kill me, it actully let me live. It let me live my life the way I was supposed to be, focused on Allah, on the hereafter, on being a better muslim. Polygamy turned out to be a great blessing for me, im greatful for it, im happy I was forced into it because it forced me to be better. It made me see what people were really like, who really cared for me and most of all it made me see that we are not supposed to build lives here, as if this is the final abode. so easily it can be taken away and you end with nothing. I will not be lowered into the ground with my marriage, my children, my money or home or other material possessions. All ill have is my belief in Allah and my good deeds. So, now that is all I care about, its all I want to care about. I say all of this because there are many women out there thought polygamy was the end,really it was just the beginning. 

  • VerySad

    November 25, 2016

    Ana, REALLY u don’t get it then please read again my previous post. According to time frame, she married that guy around November of last year& same time around she started dating my husband. I don’t think my husband knows about that marriage. As she told me she was married only once to father of her son( Algerian man from her community). I assume that is what my husband believes. Sister N confirmed with her husband, they r coming evening, I informed H to be here and requested other be here too, I didn’t tell what I know. I want to see all their faces. World is really small!!!

    My biggest concern now within last 12 months there were 4 of us( minimum) sharing body fluids. If any of them( hubby, her, other man) had any other affairs there could be more people involved. I m afraid I might be carrying some horrible disease in my body. I m sorry to any black sister here please no mind, but from statistics we know that black(nonmuslim) population has highest rates of HIV and STDs in north America. Who knows how many partners that guy had prior converting Islam. Also how many ” second” marriages the other had. CRAZY WORLD. 

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2016

    VerySad,

    The info is about the man who she married and divorced, so I don’t get it. She was married before and divorced. That part I get. If you divorce your husband and remarry, what would be the difference other than the length of time you were married and the reason for the divorce? If her ex- husband was of unsavory character, then big whip. They aren’t married any longer. She’s married to a distinguished doctor now. She did good for herself. Alhumdulliah. Just hope you don’t end up marrying a convict or someone the equivalent or worse.

  • Verysad

    November 25, 2016

    Gosh SHOCK after SHOCK. Just finished my phone conversation with sister N who knows us well. She is our imam’ s wife and aaleema( has degree in Islamic studies). She volunteers at same masjid all the time and does family counselling along with her hus.I decided not to tell about adultery part.When I described her details of other woman, she casually said ” o ya I remember her, it was  this May or maybe first days of June, we assist her talaq from her reverted black brother. He reverted during his jail term, was released last summer, they married somewhat around last November but divorced this summer.” I screamed WHAT??? Then she relieasdd she said too much information. Then she said she will talk her husband if they can come visit today after maghrib prayer. I m awaiting her call now to confirm. My head is spinning. I m going to have cold shower right now.

  • Sadyah

    November 25, 2016

    Assalam o alaikum 

    Very sad,

    Please don’t be so quick sister.I can’t feel your pain because I am not in that situation but I love all these women who suffer the situation and accept it just because it is permissible in Islam.

     sister, don’t you think that you should give sometime to yourself before telling anyone else.first answer your own questions…

    1.   does your husband love you?. .. of course he does.thats why he is crying to not leave him.

    2. If he loves you then why did he marry again? Because it was Allah’s will.whatever would be the reason,the main reason is that it is written in your book and it’s the biggest test for you.

    3. If you divorce your husband then? You would be as disastrous as you are right now.plus you have custody issues to deal with plus you have to work hard to give your children lesser but good enough life style.

    Your children won’t have chance to see their parents together.they won’t have chance to feel happy as their parents will be happy together (not now then after fews years).they will be sad when they will see their friends with parents.

    And the last but not least…If you seek for divorce then is this permissible in Islam to ask for divorce just because your husband married another woman?? If it is then just read the above points and if it is not then …

    4. what if you won’t find happiness here and hereafter .if your decision won’t be acceptable in hereafter then where will you go?

    My dear sister please don’t take me wrong I love you a lot as a sister in Islam that’s why I am writing this on my mobile phone.i just want to say,dont listen to shaitan whispers.be patient,do sabr because Allah says if you do sabr then Allah is with you (inna Allah ma’assabirin)

    How can you say that polygamy is not for you? Polygamy is for every Muslim man and woman.do you know why ? Because we must have to accept each and every part of islam and permissibility of polygamy is a part of islam.

    Sister I really love to read all the words of ummof4 .once she wrote… when she was in the situation.her sister was angry on ummof4’s husband and said to not come her home but ummof4 and children are allowed .ummof4 took decision and told her sister that if her husband wouldn’t be welcomed then she and her children wouldn’t come too .later on her sister apologized on her action….in the end ummof4 said some 24k golden words.she said that sometimes we have to take stand for our religion.

    Don’t you think that she would be in that disastrous situation as you are but she became nearer to Allah on that test.

    Dear sister right now I am writing when everyone is sleeping just because I have feelings for you and I am worried about you that please don’t listen to shaitan whispers.just read Quran ask forgiveness.ofcourse you want to cry and cry alot but just on mussalla(during prayers).say whatever you want in front of Allah and ask for the righteous path.

  • Saira

    November 25, 2016

    Salam sister very sad

    Reading your post seems like you in very very deep depression and I won’t blame you for that 

    you done right thing by talking to local imam and family

    But every one will give you advice according to what they think best but you are the one who will live in that 24/7

    think about couple who don’t go to polygamy but secretly husband has affairs right under wife’s nose 

    polygamy is difficult task someday you think you can cope and some day you think you can’t 

    do istkhara but if you do istkhara for something is permissible from Allah what will be result?

    when sister Ana said it could takes years it does not mean it will be fine within year or not 

    but slowly and surely you will feel batter

    imagine after divorce you remarry and have to share husband or becom someone second wife ?

    your situation remind me of one article I read about one women 

    she was we’ll settle and had 4 kids and her husband was well off and he wanted to help other sister and marry second wife and this women refuse and threaten for divorce 

    then this brother respected his wife and never took other wife and after few years he passed away in sudden death

    now this sister went to live with parents and in year time she struggle and her family advice her to marry and she ended up being second wife and then she ask Allah for forgiveness 

    I know it is difficult time for you but you need to Remeber that your husband is Allahs  servant and he will serve Allahs command 

    as you said he is rich and generous then he can afford other wife 

    by asking for divorce what if he divorce his other wife will you still trust and love him same way ?

    and will he respect you same way 

    what will you do if you divorce him will kids be ok with that 

    you will damage your own life 

    before I enter in polygamy I use to hate think of polygamy and I use to say to my c husband i disagree with polygamy may Allah forgive me 

    and how my marrige life ended and I ended up in polygamy it shows me Allah wanted me to learn Allahs rules 

    I am second wife and some day when I had hard time I often think about divorce too 

    but I been trying to have good relationship with Allah to help me in my life 

    once you divorce him and he comes and meets kids you will be non mehram for him and won’t be able to sit around him when he sees kids 

    will you handle that ?

    take your time and think hard before getting divorce 

    May Allah make it easy for you ameen

     

  • ummof4

    November 25, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Very Sad, welcome to the blog.  From your first post, I believe you said your husband has been married to his second wife for 2 months, but they had been sexually involved for at least a year.  Adultery is a bigger issue than polygyny for me.  Yes, many Muslim men (and women) marry their adultery partner, but for some Muslims the trust of their spouse is permanently broken, and they choose to divorce.  Others choose to stay in the marriage.

    Leila, at first I thought you were using your walee for the mariage process and you were not “in love” with the man.  Now you have stated that you are “in love” with him, which is a different situation.  For most women, once they become so emotionally involved that they use the “L” word, they will mary the man.  If you do have a walee, please have him involved in the process of marriage if you decide to continue.  If you don’t have one, you need one.  You stated that your family and friends would not approve.  Is your family Muslim and do you have a Muslim father, uncle, brother, etc. who is your walee for marriage?

    Jum’uah Mubarak to all!  May Allah accept and grant our du’ahs today.

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2016

    It could be like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.

    VerySad,

    Consider as well that his other will have a husband. You’ll be the one without one, out there looking for another. And pray that if you get another, he won’t abuse your kids or mistreat them the way some men do children who aren’t their own. Be careful not to cut off your nose to spite your face.

  • Marah S

    November 25, 2016

    Verysad,

    Don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not trying to change your mind, but I want you to consider all aspects of this decision. You think divorce will be a better option for you and the kids. Do you really think after divorce there will be no adjustment period for you and the kids. Do you think just because you’re divorced you won’t feel any jealousy, regret, or sadness, and there won’t be any conflict between you and your ex. As for the kids do you really think they won’t suffer just as much from divorce as they would from polygamy. They’ll be in the middle of a custody battle. Constantly in between two homes or worse they won’t get to see one of their parents anymore. The other woman is not likely to disappear so the kids will still have to get to know their dads new woman, maybe even more so than in polygamy because it’s possible with joint custody that half the week she’ll be like their mother.

     

    These are just some things to think about before jumping into the decision. You’re the best judge because you’re the one living in this situation. If you really think divorce is the better option than that’s fine. But try not to jump too quick into such a big decision.

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2016

    VerySad,

    I’m sorry I misspoke and said Nigerian and not Algerian.

  • VerySad

    November 25, 2016

    Salam sisters, thanks for replies.

    Ana, the other woman is Algerian origin not Nigerian. U said it might take years to adjust living that way. So years of sorrow, depression and crying. In such conditions children will be affected by all this negativity and I will not be able care properly for them due my mental state. I guess if I stay in just 1 year I will look like old lady because of stress and mental torture. No man on earth is worth it I think.  

    MaraS, I never self analysed myself what I think about this or that, I don’t have to. I know polygamy can be very beneficial to umma , right now there r so many widows in Iraq for example. I m sure it s not for me. I got 2 agendas today. Inform family and talk to our local imam as he & his wife know our family very well due my husband generous donations.

    The only fear I have now regarding kids custody because my husband is rich ( he is very high income doctor)  I work only part time at kids school as teacher assistant & parent council. I guess need to seek legal advice what are my chances for custody. 

     

  • Jasmina

    November 25, 2016

    Verysad 

    hang in there. It sucks you didn’t have a say in this, I know I’ve been there. But remember neither did your husband or the other woman, it’s all the Qadr Allah. This is the fate for all three of you. 

    I feel for you. It’s still early stage. Do your best to not hurt so much. I don’t know how but do what you can to see Allahs grace, wisdom and mercy in this. 

    take it step by step, decide what your first step will be and make istikhara on that decision and go ahead and do it. Remember divorce should be your final and last resort so don’t rush to that. Perhaps a first step could be that you engage in prayer and night prayers to ease the pain and so pray istikhara and inshaAllah do it. A next step could be to try to accept the situation and talk to your husband and the other wife and do istikhara again. Some other steps could include mediation or counselling. Perhaps a break or a holiday. If after doing all you can with the help of Allah and it’s difficult for you to achieve all these little steps make your intent to leave and do istikhara on that and do it and if it’s Allahs will he will inshaAllah make it an easy process for you, if divorce is not your fate then Allah will. It allow it to happen no matter what u do. 

     

  • Jasmina

    November 25, 2016

    Laila 

    polygamy is halal nothing wrong with it and don’t base your decision on the other wife unless she told you outright she doesn’t want this.  The key thing I feel you need to know is that marrying into polygamy is not the same as marrying into monogamy. So if you have any fairytale ideas about marriage, in fact whatever ideas you have about marriage, you aught to forget about them completely. 

    Polygamy is hard, its painful and a way of living that will test your every bone. I used to believe that it was up to the man to hold the marriages together but I’ve learnt that most men are weak as weak can get and unless the other wife is completely for it, it will be very hard. If there are difficulties which most likely there will be the only way to keep it together is for the woman to be level headed, strong at heart and mind, and just plain tough. Well if you are not tough then polygamy probably will make you that way, if it doesn’t break you first! 

    As a Muslim we can’t say don’t enter into polygamy, what I can say is that look at the man and base your decision on him regardless if he is single or married. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors, how do you know he treats the other wife well, after all he has engaged in chit chat with a non mahram woman to the point of falling in love, to me that not a good husband but to each their own.  Correct your intentions and get a wali to do all the talking you can start there. Don’t expect Allah to put barakah in that marriage if you enter it in a way that is not halal, u are only setting yourself up for failure and then you will ask why is this happening to you, well guess what u did it to yourself. <—-all of which is tell a younger version of me——<<-

  • Leila

    November 25, 2016

    Thank you very much Ana 

    I do reason with you, I am thinking of not marrying him, that is why I have come here to seek advice.

    And I am happy I did hear what I needed to hear, I need not to be selfish and do what I think is best

    May Allah be with us all

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2016

    Leila, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome to the blog 🙂

    I’m happy that you have met and spoken with some of our lovely ladies/sisters-in-faith here, and they’ve given you excellent advice.

    My post may come across a bit harsh to you, but I want to be honest with you. You say that you want the man’s wife to be 100% on board with you marrying her husband. Well, that is probably a rarity that she will be 100% on board with it unless she suggested he find another wife and or suggested that he marry someone in particular. Most women, including Muslim women don’t want any parts of polygamy.

    Secondly, you keep saying that you are soooo concerned with the feelings of the man’s wife and you don’t want to hurt her. Well, then, if you don’t want to hurt her, as you said, then walk away. Make your intent not to marry him and go find yourself a single Muslim man to marry. There are plenty of them out there.

    It bothers me when I hear a woman going on and on about how she doesn’t want to hurt her sister-in-faith and I truly think it’s a guilt trip she is on. She’s feeling guilty about marrying a married man, so to make herself feel better and look better to others, she makes it about her feelings for the other.

    How did you fall in love with him anyhow? How did the two of you establish this close relationship in which you and he fell deeply in love? Where is your wali in figuring this thing out for you?

    The bottom line is that if this man is meant for you to marry, it’s going to happen. I suggest you stop telling people how much you don’t want to hurt his wife and about all your concern for her and just marry the man or walk (away from the marriage) because it doesn’t sound sincere. I think if you were sincere, you wouldn’t marry the man. Keep that feeling and thought to yourself about how much you don’t want to hurt her.

    Allah allows polygamy for men. If you love the man so much and want to marry him then make your intent and take it from there. Most of the women in polygamous marriages on this blog live in a society that doesn’t accept polygamy, so it’s something you would have to get used to the same as anyone else who is in a polygamous marriage.

    You said you don’t know how you will deal with him having spent the best years of his life with his other wife. Well, he did and that can’t be overturned, so if you marry that man, you need to try to get over the jealousy and envy associated with his wife and the love they may have for each other and the time that they’ve had with each other.

    I’d imagine it would be tough having a husband who lives in another country. There are women who do it. Just know that you agreed to it when you begin not to like it and want to complain about it.

    Those are my thoughts about your situation. We’re here for you, if you want to talk about it more.

  • Leila

    November 25, 2016

    As Salaam Alaikum Sisters

    Thank you so much Sisters for all the advice, I am glad I came here to talk and hear from other sisters that are in the same situation as mine, I am deeply in love with this man but I am fearful of the pain it will cause another woman……..I have been trying my best to maybe not go ahead with the proposal and just move on but thinking of not being with him breaks my heart . I have been making dua to Allah to lead me.

    Sister Ummof4…….Yes, if Allah wills, it is going to be my first marriage and I dont have any kids, I know my family will eventually accept my decision and my true friends will stay and continue to support.

    Sister Saira…….Thank you, Its always nice to know from a woman who is a second wife, to know what I am getting myself into

  • Marah S

    November 24, 2016

    Verysad,

    Welcome, I certainly understand what you’re feeling. Like anabellah said the matter for divorce can be a complicated one. If you want to divorce your husband just because he has become polygamous then you should ask yourself whether or not you truly accept polygamy as something permissible in Islam. Of course It’s not obligatory for you to be in a polygamous marriage and not everyone is meant to be in a polygamous marriage. Some people are better with monogamy and some people are better with polygamy. Allah is the one who chooses who ends up in which type of marriage. Divorce is halal but you should be honest with yourself. Are you wanting to divorce because you hate polygamy? or is it because you genuinely don’t think the lifestyle is for you?

    Also, don’t be to quick to make such a drastic decision. You may be surprised with a little patience you may find yourself more inclined to stay in the marriage and work through it.

    In the end if divorce is really what you want then you can make your intention to leave, if Allah makes it easy for you to leave then maybe polygamy wasn’t meant for you anyways, but if you find it hard to leave then you should try your best accept the situation and work through it, take it one day at a time and spend more time getting closer to Allah.

     

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2016

    VerySad,

    Divorce is permissible. It’s okay to ask for a divorce if you are unhappy. That shouldn’t be the issue. What you believe is what matters. Here is where it gets tricky because there is a lot involved and it can’t be summed up in a single post. If you believe that we must accept what’s in the entire Quran in order to enter Jannah/Paradise and entering Jannah/Paradise is important to you, then you won’t want to divorce your husband because he married another. Polygamy is something that Allah has allowed for men. He tells us in the Quran not to make unlawful what He has made lawful. If your husband is married to another it’s because Allah decided it. He selects our mates for us. If you don’t like what Allah has done, then you could seek a divorce. It would scare the living day light out of me to say that I don’t like what Allah has done. The thought that I may not enter Jannah because I don’t like what Allah has allowed and has done scares me.

    So, you need to ask yourself what you believe and take it from there.

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2016

    VerySad,

    We understand the difficulty you are having in knowing that your husband has sex with another woman who is his wife. It’s probably the hardest part to accept. It causes the most pain. In time and it may take years or not, you won’t think about it and you won’t care. Even if it crosses your mind, you’ll block it out quickly as in a passing thought. I know you are no where near that point now and think you will never get there, but you can.

    Telling him that you want a divorce is normal as well. You may find that you flip flop back and forth between wanting a divorce and not wanting one. Many wives demand a divorce regularly. You need to be careful with that one though because your husband may just one day grant you your wish and then you may realize that you made a huge mistake. Although, there are no mistakes in life.

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2016

    VerySad, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome! 🙂

    I’m sorry to hear that you are very sad. I, too, am glad that you found the blog. Insha Allah, we’ll try our best to help you get through this. I could imagine how shocked you were to find out from your husband’s other that he is now polygamous. You’re correct that we all understand what you’re going through.

    I must say though, it’s weird to me that he is Pakistani and married a Nigerian instead of having married a Pakistani cousin or a Pakistani non cousin. Oh, well.

    I totally understand that your husband is hurt because you’re hurt and he cries. That’s not unusual. I’ve known it to happen before. Many times the men don’t know just how hurt and in pain a woman is when her husband marries another woman. He may know that it will hurt the wife he married first and she won’t accept that he has married another, which is why your husband didn’t tell you about it himself.

    You may find it hard to believe now, but later, down the road, if you stay in the marriage, your husband will express a deeper love for you more than you’ve ever known. Polygamy has a tendency to bring some couples closer together, especially if she makes an effort to accept what has happened as Allah’s will. The husband will appreciate his wife unselfishness in trying to not interfere in what Allah has allowed for him.

  • VerySad

    November 24, 2016

    Salam sisters, I m very glad found ur blog. I m reverted muslim, married to Pakistani man for 17 years , I m in my mid 30s & have 3 kids with him. Got shock of my life last week woman called and said she married my husband in nikah ceremony 2 months ago. He asked her not to tell initially to me, she agreed but now she wants more time with him that s why she called. She said they r in full relationship ( sexual) last 1 year. She is muslim divorcee from Algeria with 1 child . We all reside in America, same city. I had my research around this blog so I see no need describe my feelings I m going through right now as all of u know it well. Now my husband see my pain and also in shock as he said now he realised he didn t expect it will hurt so badly. He cries asks not to leave him. He says he will always love me more I know it s lie. He says he just wanted to help her financially and be father for her son. I understand it is halal for him and her but I know I don’t want that kind of life. When I think they have sex it makes me feel disgusting. I told him I love him very much but don’t want life like half widow. I m asking divorce. But confused some say it haraam to ask divorce if husband takes second wife. What r ur opinions please tell me sisters.

     

  • Saira

    November 24, 2016

    Sister leila

    may Allah make is best and easy for you 

    I am a second wife and to be honest not foot to give any advice at all

    your soon to be hubby if shows love and affection to other wife why he is even marrying u in first place 

    I could be wrong but does his wife knows he is planning to marry 

    it’s permissible for man to marry up to 4 

    if he is willing and has all the qualities you would want in husband I would not worry how he treat his other family 

    but if he is very open then meeting with his other family and wife won’t harm it will creat bond between yous all 

    is it your first marrige ?

    polygamy is hard thing and you will need support from your family and friends in all your difficult time and in good times also 

    if you make your self isolate before entering polygamy you will suffer in your marrige as you won’t have your husband around all the time 

    I love my husband but having two wife’s husband alwsy have that in his mind he will get one or other

    and sometime he is insensitive toward wife’s feelings 

    no one is perfect but if you got to loose family over this relationship I would choose family and rest leve to Allah 

    i have good marrige life ups and down part of life and polygamy is like roller coaster and every day is new 

    someday u all happy someday your harmonns make you more sensitive 

    if I had not fallen in love vd my husband and had my walli present and someone to tell me all consiquances I would not choose this for my self at all 

    but again Allah written for me 

     

  • ummof4

    November 24, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum Leila, WELCOME!  I think it’s admirable of you to consider the feelings of the wife already married to the man you are considering marrying.  I also like the fact that you are attracted to his character and his treatment of his wife.  You have not mentioned that you are “in love” with him.

    You are young, my dear.  How often would you see your husband and how much time would you spend with him?  Is this your first marriage?  Do you have any children?

    I would not worry so much about what his wife thinks about the marriage.  All women have an adjustment period when their husband marries another wife.  For some it is extremely painful, for others, it’s just growing pains.  As far as your family and community members, they will not change if you marry  into monogamy or polygyny.  They are who they are; don’t base your life decisions on them.  However, are you ready to be isolated from your family and friends, if that is a possibility?

    All of these questions are for you and you alone to answer.  Marriage is a major decision whatever the circumstances.  Ask Allah for guidance, and if you decide to marry the man, remember to make Salatul Istikharah.

    Everyone, enjoy your day and remember to thank Allah for all that He does for us!

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2016

    UmmJameela, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, 🙂

    Thank you for your informative and very powerful post. It’s nice to know someone else who gets it. It’s nice to feel not so all alone. Alhumdulliah! Thank you! Why are there those who complicate the religion? You asked the golden question.

  • Mena

    November 24, 2016

     Ana.

    I agree that some of the teachings from corrupt saudi are completely wrong an unislamic, there are corrupt and unislamic teachings going on all around the world. But, sending women back into a buring building is hardly the same as asking for a famale dr or uncovering ones body WITHOUT a reason. You wouldnt say its ok for a woman to throw on a bikini on the beach because shes hot. It two completely different situations. One involves possible death, one doesn’t. 

    Just as people shouldn’t follow what they are told by what people call scholars, people also shouldn’t make up the religion themsleves. Again, its the two extremes. Muslims are on the middle ground, the straight path. In the fatiah, we say to guide on the sraight path, not like the jews who make up their own religion and not like the christains who follow without question. 

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2016

    Allah swt in the Holy Quran says there is no compulsion in Islam. It means that no one should be forced to accept Islam or to live it. The Islamic police is unlawful. It’s haram. It’s wrong. Allah decides who will and will not be Muslim.   Allah swt in the Holy Quran says oppression is worse than slaughter. The Saudi Arabian government is no better than ISL. They behead people and do the same things that ISL does. They force Islam on people and try to control everyone’s lives. The ISL ideologies/teachings are out of Saudi.  They are the culprits.

    It’s why it’s so disturbing to me to hear that women won’t allow a male physician to help deliver a baby or save the baby and the mothers lives. It’s doesn’t even have to be as life threatening as that. Allah says in the Holy Quran that He doesn’t want any difficulties for us in our religion. Allah says He doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear. We put the additional burden on ourselves.

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2016

    The following article should give all an idea of just how sick, twisted and backwards the people and their beliefs are that reverts to Islam are being taught to follow: 15 girls die in blaze in Saudi Arabia

    Sadly people follow blindly anyone because they are void of knowledge that is in the Holy Quran. They’ll watch videos, lectures and listen to anyone and anybody oppose to sitting down with the Quran and trying to learn it and seek knowledge from Allah swt. Allah teaches. It’s very frustrating. No one can guide those who Allah has not chosen to guide.

  • Ren

    November 23, 2016

    Hi Leila,

    We’ll she may be thinking the same way you are given human nature. she may think, if my husband lover me so much why is he taking another ? she may have fear you will steal his heart and she will be the one left out in the cold.  I know in reality no one can really be stolen from someone else, but you know how those pesky emotions can be.  I would have been fine with polygamy, but sadly, if you read my posts everything was behind my back and the sisters here advised me that I was used, but that’s a whole other story.  I do pray this man is honest with you and his wife. typically if they lie to one, they lie to the other.  Definitely make sure she knows about you.  is he staying married to his wife ?

  • Leila

    November 23, 2016

    Ren

    Thank you very much……I do understand and I just pray to ALLAH, to guide me and make me make the best decision…….We havent yet decided on if i will remain here or relocate to the country he is in. I would prefer to remain here.

    I have never for once thought of being a second wife, In honesty, I used to judge people that would want to marry someone that has a wife already, I am usually in support of the first wife (may Allah forgive me for that)  but only Allah controls who we fall in love with……..

    I respect him alot, the way he cares for and loves his first wife make me even love him more (strangely but thats my truth), he has never for once said anything bad about her, Its a bit concerning for me though, because i dont think he will love me as much as he loves her. 

  • Jasmina

    November 23, 2016

    No worries Mena. I haven’t read all the posts so didn’t realise there was a debate but I loved the way UmmJameela put it, very nicely said. Alhamdulillah it’s great we can learn from each other on non Polygamy related things also here. I’ve been very busy and missed few days of checking the blog so haven’t read everything. I’ll be back.

    wo I’ve tried a new strategy lol to get myself together and alhamdulillah it’s working amazingly. I will see how I go and share with you all hownit goes soon inshaAllah 

  • Ren

    November 23, 2016

    As-Salam Alaikum,

    Leila, are you planning to relocate to where he is living? just be careful, men will say whatever in the courtship and sometimes they may actually mean well but somehow it just doesn’t happen. if you read my posts as well as the other sisters, you’ll see a whole spectrum from feeling swindled like myself to some of the lonely times of polygamy. it sounds like you do have legitimate concerns, but don’t count on him to be 100 percent honest. I hope not to offend.

     

  • Saira

    November 23, 2016

    Mena very touching story you mention 

    I been so low all night and made dua to Allah to protect me in my pain full time 

    I wouldn’t refuse at all if it’s male doctor present in emergency 

    any how if it turn to be life threatening c section will be done by male 

    I have not met any Muslim midwife where I am getting treated and it didn’t cross my mind that they not Muslim 

    but reason is quite obvious to ask for female doctor as female I won’t be comfortable 

    other then Islamic view .

    you ladies are right I should just to twakal of Allah and leave everything in Allahs hand 

    I agree with you sister Ana 

    about saudia 

    my in laws follow them so much and many things I disagree but never have courage to say to them

    during Ramadan I was told very wired thing

    thAt if women start her monthly cycle during her fast then she should complete that whole fast even if it happens afternoon time or soon after closing fast 

    as if she she break fast due to her monthly cycle she should keep 60 fast or feed poor 

    same condinon for someone who just breakfast without any excuse 

    I didn’t get that thing in my head 

    I asked so that mean it will count one fast even having impure body she said no it won’t be fast but to respect fast women won’t break 

    I said to the lady during that time women looses blood and she need more liquid in body and Allah never made these rules then why you saying 

    she wAs like just to be safe side 

    things like that so crazy 

     

  • Leila

    November 23, 2016

    “Asalaam alaykum  to everyone

    I am new on the blog and I really do appreciate all you sisters for sharing your experiences, May Allah bless us all.

    Please I will like to seek your advice on something that has been disturbing me for a while. I am a 28 year old woman . I met a man who wants me to be his second wife which i have accepted on the condition that his first wife is 100% in support……. My concerns are as follows 1. I live in an environment and community that doesnt really accept polygamy, I really love this man but i am concern of what other people will say about me, my family, my friends etc. 2. I am scared of hurting another woman’s feeling and the effect it will have on his kids? And finally, i dont know how I will deal with the fact that I am his second wife and he has probably spent the best years with his first wife. Although he keep assuring me that he will love me as much as he loves his first wife and he will try all he can to be just. He curently lives in another country with his first family while i live in another. Please I really need your advice as I am about to make a life dicision. Thank you”

  • Mena

    November 23, 2016

    On a brighter note id like to share a benefical story of one of our pious muslim women. It is the story of hagar, prophet Ibrahims wife. As we know, Ibrahim was ordered to take hagar and her son to the dessert and leave her there. She soon ran out of food and water, became desperate and ran between two mountains in search of water. On her 7th trip she heard a voice and before her appared an angel who dug into the ground and out sprouted water. 

    There are many wisdoms and lesson in this story but what I found extremely interesting is hagar was a second wife, she was also a slave and obviously female. When her husband left her in the dessert she accepted that it was an order from Allah and agreed to be left. Her reply was not ‘why are you leaving me in the dessert and not your first wife, THATS NOT FAIR’ like most of us would say. no, she accepted and watched her husband return home,leaving her and baby in the dessert. Her tawakkle was amazing, how many muslims nowadays show this much reliance on Allah. Another point is every year at hajj, millions of muslims copy her struggle by walking/running between the same points (the mountains have been flattened). Men, woman and children copy the actions of a female, slave who was a 2nd wife. I think its enlightening to know that hagar was the 3 things that our society wrongly looks down upon. Being a female slave who was a second wife. Ones status in this world means nothing about ones status in the hereafter. She was an amazing woma. So when people laugh and mock us for being in polygamy, marrying in 2nd, being poor etc remember that some of the most pious muslims ever to walk the earth appeared to have a low status in this life. It was their reliance on Allah, fear of Allah and worshipping Allah that gave them the highest status a person could want. I hope this story helps all the dear readers here to keep going like hagar did, keep running between those two mountains in hope.  Rely on Allah and never give up.

    “Verily Allah is with the believers” 

  • Mena

    November 23, 2016

    Ummjameela 

    You said EXACTLY what I was trying to say. You articulated it much better than I. Yes, when something is NECESSARY, the haraam becomes halal. I hope everyone can understand my point now instead of twisting my words. 

  • Mena

    November 23, 2016

    Sorry but I will not have people take my words out of context. Jasmina as you heard in the lecture the teacher said there is nothing wrong in having a male dr if he only touches/sees the parts necessary. Its correct. That IS what i was saying. If a woman has a straight forward pregnancy/delivery then there is no NEED for her to show parts that dont NEED to be seen. If a woman, like saira has a range of different medical problems then she NEEDS to show parts for the delivery to be SAFE. As mari2 mentioned she NEEDED to have a c section for the SAFTY of her and baby. My original point to saira was if she was ONLY going to have an epidural so doesn’t feel pain then she doesn’t NEED to have one. Iv had male drs when they was NEEDED and there wasnt a muslim female avaliable. 

    I actully know a woman who was told her baby was not well and was going to die soon after birth, they told her to abort the baby to save her the trouble, that was the drs advice. She DIDNT listen to the dr because she understood that only Allah gives life and causes death and whatever He will to be will be. The baby was FINE, and is now a healthy toddler. So should she have murdered her unborn child based on a drs OPINION, NO she should trust in Allah, her lord, her protector. I was told not to fast in ramadaaan during pregnancy, even though I had a healthy pregnancy and unborn child, they was SURE I would have a small baby, that would be underweight. I trusted in Allah, fasted and gave birth to an 8lb 11 baby (thats big for those who dont know) so much for their opinion,I gained loads of reward in shaa Allah, and had a healthy baby. 

    Saira, in your case, since you have very good reason to believe there will be a range of different complications during delivery go with what your advised. If their are no muslim females go with muslim males then non muslim females then non-Muslim males. There’s NO HARM in asking. Dont reject treatment just ask if there is anyone else on duty. 

    As another example a person doesn’t need to expose their breasts if they’ve broken their foot. Its common sense. You dont need to see my whole naked body for me to push a baby out my vagina. 

  • UmmJameela

    November 23, 2016

    Assalamu’alaykum my dear sisters I pray you are in the best of health and imaan. I have been reading here and there but haven’t really had a chance to write as I’ve been so busy with work etc. I just wanted to mention something that is very relevant to the topic being discussed, childbirth. Without giving away too much, I work on a labour ward in the U.K. I am very much involved with childbirth and see these very people you are talking about sister ana the brothers and the sisters who demand to see a female doctor even when they are being told the baby is at risk, she is at risk yet they want to spend the next 30mins arguing about having a female doctor. It baffles me and it is embarrassing to say the least. The man has so much “gheerah” that he would rather let his child be at risk of dying and his wife… and the wife is trying to be the “pious obedient wife” and sits there allowing her husband to make these life changing decisions. The Permitting of Haram (the Unlawful) Under Necessity is Meant to Make Life Easy and Less Oppressive for Muslims That the necessity removes restriction is an important juridical rule. It shows that the Islamic shari’ah is not heedless of the exigencies of life, nor to human weakness and our ability to face them, it allows the Muslim under the compulsion of necessity to do things which would otherwise be prohibited, in order to meet the necessity and save himself from harm. Whilst we know from the Quraan that foods that has been prohibited for us Muslims, in times of emergency even those foods, if they are the only things available to us, Allaah has allowed us to eat. Why do we always complicate the religion and then cry when non Muslims mock us simply because we have no understanding of our own religion?! How then can we expect non Muslims to understand it….. may Allaah Subhanahu wa ta’ala give us all real understanding of the deen. Aameen

    As for my situation with the brother, alhamdullilah I had a meeting and it went very very well. A lot of misconceptions were cleared up. He is willing to provide a home, he has already put money aside to show my father he is able to provide for me without any difficulty. The issue of me staying at my parents house on the days he is not with me, he meant that we will have a home together and if I wished to spend the nights his not here with my family then he has no obligation to that, I work 3 days a week anyway and it would be ideal for me. I actually do feel that this man is someone who will treat me well bi’idnillah. Prior to the meeting I had prepared a list of questions to ask him, and Wallahi the first few answers he gave completely shut down any doubts I had. I feel very positive alhamdullilah and pray that Allaah Subhanahu wa ta’ala guides me to do what is best for me. Aameen my parents are due to have another meeting with him soon and if all being well it is finalised my niqaah might be as soon as Mid December. Sounds scary lol.

  • anabellah

    November 23, 2016

    Anyhow, Saira, just do whatever you need to do to get your medical situation taken care of and keep it moving…Insha Allah, everything will be okay. Put your faith and trust in Allah.

  • anabellah

    November 23, 2016

    I mentioned Saudi because the major erroneous teachings are coming from there, and many reverts are following it.

  • anabellah

    November 23, 2016

    I knew what you meant, Sis.

  • anabellah

    November 23, 2016

    I hear you, Jasmina. It’s just friggin common sense. I ‘m so tired of the friggin nonsense.

  • Jasmina

    November 23, 2016

    Nothing wrong*** not mother wrong

  • Jasmina

    November 23, 2016

    Actually just yesterday Attended an Islamic lecture where sheikh gave proof that there is absolutely mother wrong with a male doctor tending to a female and vice versa as it is a necessity so long as they touch the parts being treated and if they abuse that trust it’s on them not your fault but I know many doctors and most of qualified doctors/surgeons just want to save lives and help their patients so I’m sure the last thing in their mind would be anything kinky.

  • anabellah

    November 23, 2016

    Then people wonder why people have a negative view of Islam and some one is calling it a cancer. People have distorted the truth, including so called Muslims like ISL and Saudi who is a mini ISL

  • anabellah

    November 23, 2016

    Here you have a medical emergency and are worried about whether a doctor is male or female. That is crazy.

  • anabellah

    November 23, 2016

    I wouldn’t care if the doctor is male or female, transvestite, gay, or whatever, I’d go with the doctor who is rated the best. Some people are so ridgid and have no understanding. It’s why you should do your research, make your intention and follow your inspiration. People here will have varying views that will confused you, which is why I prefer not to have the discussion here.

  • Saira

    November 23, 2016

    Wa alakykum Salam 

    mari 2

    make dua that Allah make it easy for me and keep my parda 

    I been to c my midwife and came home shivering with horror

    i had blood clot and septicaemia last time due to their negligence 

    now they saying as I want to have vaginal birth it put my abdominal in more risk even its small percent but instead if midwife doctors will do my entire labour and I will never be induce even I am more then 42 weeks as that drug will tear my abdominal inside and it’s dangerous for me and baby 

    she said it was double the size of normal c section so I am in huge risk.

    due to cloth I can’t get many drugs during labour and epidural is availble for me but they don’t tent to give me if I didn’t progress in labour and if my labour won’t progress they will do c section again as my body might develop blood poisoning again 

    the option is givein by midwife was mixed 

    I am so keen for vaginal birth but it’s all up to my body how it cops and c section knife is still hanging on my head.

    i got more shock to know I had blood poisoning last time and needed up having two surgeries to stop blood 

    I requested female doctor and to be less expose like the idea of wearing tights and all 

    but my midwife got so angry and said we care more for the life then all this 

    and if you in danger and make doctor is present we will act on medical advice 

    plz make dua for me to have female doctor and to have easy birth?

  • Mari2

    November 22, 2016

    Salam, 

    I had 2 c sections here in the states and in both cases I was covered well.  Unless it is an emergency, when a woman gets a c section, all parts are covered except for her abdomen.  Legs are covered by sterile cloth, the pubic area is covered, the woman is wearing a sterile gown that is only raised enough to expose the abdomen.  The only parts exposed were my face, my arms (for IV placement), and my abdomen.  My v was seen by a woman RN when she placed the catheter in.  Then I was covered.  And the anethesiologist got to see my spine when he placed the spinal block for my section.  Since neither of my sections were planned, I had male surgeons perform them since they were the ones on rotation at that time.  But I never felt exposed in any way.  The only spot a surgeon wants exposed for a c section is the abdomen.

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2016

    UmmMaryam, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I’m glad our posts were helpful and I hope you’re feeling better. We all have those kinds of days, everyday is not the same.

    Did you ever hear this joke:

    They told me to cheer up, that things could be worse.

    So I cheered up and sure enough, things got worse..  LOL

    It’s not so…

  • UmmMaryam

    November 21, 2016

    ️️JZK Mena and Ana, I really needed this today. Such a good reminder.

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2016

    WOW, Mena! I love your post! It’s beautiful and soooo true. Plus you summed it up so nicely. Thank you 🙂

  • Mena

    November 21, 2016

     Ana

    I just read you comment to saira about Angelina Jolie, and it reminded me of a beneficial reminder I watched by a well known convert muslim. he spoke about the state of the ummah and how many people all over the world are looking for the meaning of life, because as humans we crave meaning. He said how science is very good at explaining even the tiniest of details about the universe but fail to give these details meaning. He said how Allah revealed in quran about His signs and how only those with eyes that see and ears that hear would know what these signs mean. he said that there are many self help books and other material tell people to ‘find themselves’ and  ‘be themselves’ without actually defining what ‘the self’ is,without telling people what their looking for or finding. Humans have many character flaws and if one was to ‘find themselves’ they would most likey find something they dont like, and this,  he said makes people agitated and they seek to distract themselves from the thoughts through media and games and other mind numbing activities. He said people are always (even muslims) trying to find answer in other than Quran and just end up going round in circles trying to find meaning to their lives and what their supposed to be doing. We can never get enough reminders on the meaning of our lives, once we understand what were supposed to be doing then we have purpose, if we know the purpose we can focus on that purpose and live a fufiling life that gives us what we crave. 

  • Jasmina

    November 20, 2016

    Mena and Saira

    thank you so much for your kind words and advice.

    much love

     

  • ummof4

    November 19, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Najwa5, I’m glad your husband decided for himself where he would prefer to recover after surgery. 

    To all of you sisters out there who are pregnant now or who may want to be pregnant, may Allah grant you an easy pregnancy and an easy delivery with a healthy child(ren.)

    By the way, when I delivered my children while in a polygynous marriage, my husband always was with me during the delivery because I had to have C-sections.  He stayed with me for a week after delivery because I could not walk well and he had to carry me up and down the stairs.  The 3 or 4 days were given back to his other wife later.  And I always went into labor at night when he was at his other house.

  • najwa5

    November 18, 2016

    Ummof4, 

    Shukran for your response. I told the hubby he can recover at cos house Insha’Allah if surgery is needed. He said he rather stay at our house BC it’s quiet and he doesn’t have to holler at children. Insha’Allah we will. If he does that my co will be wanting her time made up. She’s difficult most times.

  • Saira

    November 18, 2016

    Sister jasmine 

    may Allah make it possible for you 

    I don’t know about your health but I would say what ever the problem is try to use one spoon empty stomach honey every morning 

    and to increase your fertility use powder cinemam very tiny amount mix with honey 

    once a week or after your monthly cycle to keep your fertility healthy 

  • Mena

    November 18, 2016

    Jasmina 

    Try not to be too hard on yourself and your husband. Planning isn’t everything, Iv never planned a pregnancy, infact the plan was to NOT get pregnant. So it goes to prove our plans mean diddly. I really hope Allah gives you a beautiful, healthy pious child. We never know what the future holds for us. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Jasmina

    November 18, 2016

    Aww baby talk and babies make me clucky… unfortunately doctor told me to not try for baby for several months due to my current health.  I’m really hoping that after this my husband will be keen to try for a baby as by the looks of it I’m running out of time. I can’t go into detail but anyhow inshaAllah I can have some more children. Whatever Allah wills I guess. I can’t help but be resentful at my husband, he is so selfish. Alhamdulillah 

  • Saira

    November 18, 2016

    Sister mena 

    you have no idea how bad health care in here where I live 

    I love north of Scotland and health care is so poor 

    the don’t tend to give u and offer you any pain killer until it’s too late .

    i was allergic from few antibiotic and when I collapse they forgot and gave me same and I ended up massive and they had to do surgery and cut my few veins to stop bleeding .

    one of my friend was in labour and they keep sending her home to come back when it’s active labour and she ended up delivering baby in wheel chair and had to have massive stitched .

    they don’t offer any bath tab any epidural and gas and air only when they see women really need 

    and I was in pain and midwife refuse to hold my hand to help me get up as its against health and safety 

    they refuse to insert tablet inside to break water and women should do her self 

    and in the end they put you in cold open ward 

    my antie is midwife in England and she says they do so much for young girls but not like here 

    I been searing and found about tens machine and looking forward to get one but will be great if yous suggest any if you had experiance 

  • Saira

    November 18, 2016

    Wa alakykum Salam sisters 

    sister sadyah 

    JazakAllah for keeping my son in your thoughts plz keep making dua 

    I make dua with me each breath and been doing so much to get things right and in the end it’s Allahs will keeping us apart for time being but insh Allah will be ease in the end for us 

    it’s just the thing I don’t talk to any one other then Allah about this matter but Allah knows what I am and been going tru 

    mh cousin and I are fighting hard to get custody and no they can not do that 

    but again faith is up to Allah if Allah wills pious people kids turn in to other path but if Allah wills people from very diffrent faith revert to Islam.

    i never worth for the eman instead I just make dua as its best tool 

    my mother always remind me story of moosee pbuh that how he was raised in pharoh palace and what his mother did for him .

    may Allah make is easy for me Ameen 

    but there is something like mother instinct and when I pray I been getting non stop signs from Allah and I know deep down it will be okay very soon insh Allah 

    again sister sadyah JazakAllah for the thougt. May Allah make it easy for you as well Ameen 

     

    sister Ana 

    i agree with you that me and my husband are from same nationally and same culture and many things we do togather it’s more Cultury so he got good bond with me 

    he went to meet my parents few time and he love them and he told me he alway wanted to have mother in law who cook for him and wife’s sister and brother who treat me like there blood 

    I speak less to my parents less but he is always on fone with them 

    he told me very strange thing about him 

    he said he was very young and he got married with white women and we both never love each other he was not able to speak English many years and he said it was so stress full relationship 

    i believe he was fantsaning Indian pakisngi movies kind of relationship in marrige and that’s why alway looking for other wife 

    but I must say when we turn to creator then creation do look at us 

    it’s all Allah who make that happend 

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2016

    Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum!

    The fact that you and your husband are of the same nationality and have culture in common could be one of the reasons he inclines to you as you suspect . You said that he loves you looking pretty and in colorful clothes. I think Pakistani clothes are very beautiful and the women look very nice and pretty in them.

  • Sadyah

    November 17, 2016

    @ saira

    Please pray for your son as well in that difficult time so that you will get his custody without any trouble .I don’t know the roles there but I think like if you won’t take his custody then they will make him non Muslim.I am not sure .let me know if I am wrong.

  • Mena

    November 17, 2016

    Marah s

    I also wanted to be a midwife but then I thought of the possibility of having to deliver a still born. It would be to heartbreaking for me, You need to be able to hold it together n those jobs/situations. I can imagine id just be a mess. 

  • Mena

    November 17, 2016

    Saira 

    I was told by my midwife that uk is one of the best places to give birth. Iv never had a problem, im not sure if the midwife your dealing with is one of those moody ones, but in the delivery room they have always been really good to me and respected the decisions iv made. You made me laugh about your husband, my husbands job was to guard the door ( because everyone seems to think they can just walk on in) he was under strict instructions lol. I was thinking of getting him a little radio to complete the look. He took his job very seriously lol. 

    I remembered that you can get theses devices called tens machine, they stimulate ceartain areas in your back that release a natural pain killer. Have a Google and see if its something you think could work. They also offer gas and air in uk which wears off quick and you only inhale when you need to. 

  • Mena

    November 17, 2016

    Ana

    Sorry I didn’t know it was a debated issue. I did use the words “without necessity” and “safely deliver a baby” . Just to be clear. plus, whatever happends is what Allah willed to happen. we dont give life or cause death. 

    Ummof4

    Referring to your second from last paragraph. My husbands illness wasn’t life threatening and moving wouldn’t have made it worse but yes, she would have expected the days to be made up, whereas I wouldn’t. My husband is extremely fair with time and expenses so he would of made up the time but he didnt want the headache. Really, she makes things alot more difficult than they need to be. Its fear of Allah not than his other wife, he wants to treat her kindly and give her what she is entitled to he wont mistreat either of us, even when we (more like she) is being unreasonable and inconsiderate. She may find herself husbandless if she carries on. She wont have to worry about the possibility of not getting her own way then. 

  • Saira

    November 17, 2016

    Marsh S

    thank you for giving me idea of researching my own birth plan and discuss more with midwife .

    i develop blood cloth and had infection which made me go to premature labour but this time I did not so far face any majour difficulty yet finger cross 

    but my midwife told me I should still keep in mind I could go early due to my previous massive surgery and I have more risk to rip my abdominal during labour as it had many infection till one year so they kind of prepaired to induce me as they don’t want baby to get more big and cause trouble 

    but I been hiding my day today difficulty from midwife so less they have fear less they made me induce 

    sister Ana am sure you must be thinking gross?

    Ummof4 

    very good advice about husband illnes and where he should stay during that time 

    my husband got very sick last year few time and my co was so u happy he stayed at mine and he ended up driving and going there to make up night but did came back next day as he knew I can look after him more and house is quite and he can relax but 

    I got sad too once he stayed there in illnes once but now after your advice I will inshAllah won’t make fuss if ever this situation occur 

    hope not as don’t want hubby to get sick but glad to know the good gems of advice 

     

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2016

    Marah S,

    I dunno. You’ve got a strong stomach to want to deliver babies for a living. I get grossed out just looking at a slimmy baby lol

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2016

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    What you said about a husband staying and recovering where he got sick makes a lot of sense, as did your entire post. 🙂

  • ummof4

    November 17, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, I agree with you.  How much a Muslim woman uncovers when giving birth or having any medical procedure is a personal decision that should be made by the woman and her medical team.  Islam is an easy way of life that we should not make complicated.  Please, let’s not debate this issue at all.

  • ummof4

    November 17, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Najwa5, in answer to the question about where the husband should stay if extremely ill or after surgery, I believe he should make the decision, not his wives.  If an unexpected illness occurs, I believe he should stay at the house that he was when the illness began.  Quite frankly, if it’s contagious, he shouldn’t be spreading it from house to house.  If a surgery is scheduled, I believe he should stay at the house that is most comfortable; where he would receive the best care.  But ultimately, he should make the decision, it’s his health.

    When Prophet Muhammad (SAW) was in his final illness, he stayed at the house of Aisha and his other wives visited him.  Once my husband became extremely ill and could not walk while he was at his other home.  He stayed there and I and the children visited him. 

    If a man is willing to risk his health and life to please a wife, who is the head of the household?  And if a wife insists that her husband comes to her while ill, or insists that she gets the days back, then that says something about her faith and character.  Allah decides when and where we become ill, I don’t think any husband asks to be sick or fakes a serious illness just to stay with a  particular wife. 

    May Allah grant us all the ability to be gracious to others and have just some plain old good common sense.

  • Marah S

    November 17, 2016

    Sorry to swarm the blog with childbirth talk. I’ve become really fascinated with childbirth since I now have to go through it myself. I’ve fallen quite in live with the whole birth process, I just love learning about it. 

    Im actually considering going back to school to become a midwife. I already have my masters degree in early childhood education but now I feel like I’ve found my true calling and delivering babies is what I really want to do for the rest of my life.

  • Marah S

    November 17, 2016

    Saira,

    There definitely are risks in everything, one of the risks of the epidural is if the person administering messes up, you could end up paralyzed. (This usually doesn’t happen) but just the possibility is enough for me to stay away from it. C-section would be the last thing I consider because it’s major surgery and carries the most risks. I don’t think childbirth can ever be completely pain free or risk free. I still think you’re better off going natural. Also don’t feel shy to ask your midwife about what type of pain relief she can offer you. Where I live it’s either epidural or nothing, but I’ve heard there are more options in the U.K. Is she planning on inducing you early using pitocin? pitocin a drug that is used to artificially start labor early or to make labor faster, pitocin will most like make labor MUCH MUCH more painful then if you wait for baby to come on her own time. 

    You should do a lot of research. Take your health into your own hands and get familiar with what your midwife might do to you and the risks or side effects of certain procedures, it’s up to you to decide what you’re comfortable with and what you absolutely will not accept. I’ve done so much research on childbirth and the entire process, it helped me a lot in avoiding fear because I feel I have the knowledge to deal with certain things if they come. I also spend a lot of time learning about the more common complications that can arise during childbirth such as nuchal cord, shoulder dystocia, breech presentation, placenta previa and many others and how my midwife will deal with each of them. Allah says we should seek good knowledge.

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2016

    There are exceptions, as you said Saira. But, I think it’s best we don’t go there as it could get confrontational and become a debate.

    A woman giving birth doesn’t have her body exposed to excite someone or anything of that nature. If she doesn’t get that child out of her properly, she or the child could die. Islam is a reasonable, logical religion.  Furthermore, Allah is an Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful God.

  • Saira

    November 17, 2016

    Sister mena 

    I agree with you mena in some expect but again when comes to child birth and medical emergency our religion do allows us 

    in uk it’s all femal midwifes and I alway ask for female doctor and refuse make ones but in emergency when I have no choice I don’t have choice 

    last time I had c section and I believe it was male doctors were involve as I develop blood cloths and I was in life threatening condition 

    I don’t know if we allowed to wear tights during labour as it increase blood clot issue 

    I will be alone with my husband and one or two midwife but I alway cover my entire body and I don’t like to just forget about covering body issue 

    but again depends if my body copes but my husband is well aware of situation and he will make sure I uncover my body less i can .

     

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2016

    I’ve written a new post/thread just as a reminder for us. We’ve discussed the subject before:
    https://www.polygamy411.com/her-husband-dislikes-his-other-wife/

  • Marah S

    November 17, 2016

    Gail,

    That actually happened to my sister too the anestheologist who did her second epidural kept hitting nerves. We’re really small in my family and he said that the spaces in between her spine were too little. But then a different anestheologist came and got it the first time. I felt so bad for her, the doctors forced her to get the epidural because the baby was in distress, she would lose oxygen everytime a painful contraction came and baby’s heart rate would drop like crazy.

  • Jasmina

    November 17, 2016

    Tasliyman

    yeah you and I are on the same page 

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2016

    Insha’Allah let’s not start debating that aspect of whether to get undressed and how much while giving birth. We’ll leave that alone. Deal with that aspect personnally.

    Thank You!

  • Mena

    November 17, 2016

    Saira

    Yes, it was marah s who mentioned an epidural. I never even considered one unless it was necessary, as in life and death situation. Simply because an epidural is administered into the lower back and a woman is not allowed to uncover that part to anyone but her husband without necessity. I was not about to disobey Allah for sake of not feeling pain. I actully give birth fully dressed and just cut a hole in the private area of some leggings because that all the midwife needs to see to safley deliver the baby. If my husband could deliver a baby I wouldn’t go to the hospital at all. All these muslim women getting butt naked infront of a room full of people is sooooo wrong. Just because a woman is giving birth doesn’t mean she can throw the rules of the religion out the window. 

  • Saira

    November 17, 2016

    Dear sister marsh 

    doctors in U.K. Seriously don’t give you much choice and information at all when comes to medication which is bad?

    I had c section but that was they had to do when I develop huge infection inside me and baby and was deprive of oxygen and I collapse 

    they gave me medicine orally but when I woke up I was more then double the size and hugeee where I cudnt open my eyes for hours 

    and seen my tummy huge sliced open 

    they had to cut more as baby was in danger so it was not typical c section 

    it recover so slow as it took time to heal but Remeber looking at my tummy huge slice open brings no choice to think of vaginal delivery and again that hurts 

    now am thinking why I got pregnant ?

    Thank you Gail 

    for giveing me doubts on epidural now and sharing horrible experiance lol

    again thank you marsh s 

  • Tasliyman

    November 17, 2016

    Mena

    I am sorry if my comments annoyed you. It seems we have a knack of rubbing each other up the wrong way with our comments. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

    There’s been a number of occasions where your point of view on a matter differs from mine but we have to understand that this is a blog where everybody shares their own views and opinions. It is inevitable that people will have different thoughts and interpretations of situations. As long as we are able to remain respectful and practice tolerance and patience I don’t see the differences as being a problem.

    It seems you are truly blessed with a good husband and happy marriage Ahamdulillah. Good for you.

    Although I wrote my post after your comments about your co-wife, my opinion on the matter is something that developed over a period of time and not because of your comments.

    Also, if you feel the need to “break that silence” it is entirely your right and has nothing to do with me. I am aware and totally happy with the fact that you are free to say and do whatever you want or need to; same as I am.

    No hard feelings. May you have a wonderful day.

  • Ren

    November 17, 2016

    Hi everyone , all this talk about babies brings me back a couple of years ago when I had my son. I had a c-section and they said I would feel pressure but I felt a lot more than that. I kept telling them I wasn’t number and I kept feeling a burning sensation which was probably the cutting and then I had a panic attack. not fun. but at least the reward of my son made me forget about it and I would do it again?

  • Gail

    November 17, 2016

    I had and epidural with both my pregnancies they were scary for me the first one went ok but the second one was really rough because I had labored 12 hours and was in alot of pain already and had to have a c section.The guy that gave me the epidural kept hitting nerves in my spine and causing me to jerk uncontrollably he screamed at me until I was nearly in tears until finally the nurse told him it was not me it was him hitting nerves.I would say it depends on who does your epidural if u get a good person or not.Also my back hurt so bad for a good long while after both times.

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2016

    Cut her open. You’re really freaking me out.

  • Marah S

    November 16, 2016

    Saira,

    I forgot to mention if you got a c-section then you probably already had an epidural. Here in America the epidural is usually the same medicine used during c-sections to prevent the mom from feeling the doctor cut her open, I’m guessing it’s probably the same in the UK.

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2016

    Dear Gail,

    It’s okay. Don’t feel badly. I’m feeling a whole lot better now about Trump being the President, as in I’m not upset and sad as I was. I still think he’s an incompetent, foolish, jerk. LOL It is what it is.

    Yeah, I know – my husband too was talking about how it sounding that Trump wants to do the same stuff that the Nazis did to the Jews. A whole lot of people besides Muslims are anxious about what may happen. Jews, Blacks,Latinos, and LGBT’s as well are worried because of Steven Bannon (racist prick- excuse my French) possibly becoming the Chief Strategist. I’m just grateful that we have a way out in four year 🙂 I love the signs that some of the Protesters were carrying that said, “This pu$$y grabs back” LOL Rolling laughter

  • Gail

    November 16, 2016

    Ana,

     I forgot to mention my husband said he felt like Trump was not good from the start he tried to tell me several times but I shot him down every single time.

  • Gail

    November 16, 2016

    Ana,

     I owe u a HUGE apology.I understand very clear now why u wanted Hillary.I can honestly say I thought I had watched the debates and listened to everything but today I read Trump wants all Muslims to register and I am horrified by this sounding like another Nazi scheme.I saw on Youtube where he was giving a speech in North or South Carolina where he talked about in the past after the Spanish American War or something that some General Pershing killing 49 out of 50 Muslims and dipping the bullets in Pigs blood WTF I was horrified to hear this and am mortified that he could even say such a horrifying thing as part of his campaign.I think USA will not be safe anymore for Muslims I and my husband are so sad in tension as to what this means for the future.My eyes are wide open now.

      I couldn’t shake that u actually donated to Hillary’s campaign and I even told my husband u r such sweet honest intelligent person and I could not understand how u could want Hillary and the other women on the blog as well.The thought would not leave my mind now I understand why.

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2016

    Sister Saira,

    Don’t concern yourself about your English. I understand what you write. I think everyone else can as well. I know what you’re speaking of when you said “Momin.” I read about “Muslims” vs. “Momins” when I used to read other books besides the Quran in my early days of being Muslim. Many of the older scholars such as Imam Ghazzali wrote about the subject. I wouldn’t classify myself as one. Allah knows best. It was a nice compliment though. I just want to be on and stay on the mustaqueen.

    I’m happy to hear everything is going so well for you and your husband. Remember, when we turn our attention to the Creator and away from His creation, the Creator turns His creation to us; when we turn our attention away from the Creator and to His creation, the Creator turns His creation away from us. It seems you’ve been doing a good job focusing on Allah and your husband is growing closer to you.

    You should feel good about yourself and the progress you’re making. It’s good you don’t think so much on your co having some of the material things that you don’t. Perhaps you’re being compensated by having more of your husband’s love and affection. Allah knows best. There is a reason for all things. Your husband may want to give you all the things that his other has, but he’s limited in resources right now. It’s very important that we remember that Allah says when we are grateful, he gives us more…

  • Sadyah

    November 16, 2016

    Assalam o alaikum,

    Thanks a lot to reply me.I am so happy that I asked the question and now I am totally clear in that.Sister saira thanks to reply me in detail. may Allah help you in each and every moment of your life,may He give you more and more happiness with your husband  and may He forgive me that I thought wrong about a brother in Islam.he must have reasons about his acts for his wives.I shouldn’t be so specific but I wanted to clear my mind and I had feelings that you all will reply positively.jazakAllah khairun kaseera sis tasliman,mena,Ana too

  • Marah S

    November 16, 2016

    Anabellah,

    Haha that is really funny. Maybe things have changed. I’ve heard that it can be uncomfortable because the needle they use is big but I’ve never heard anyone describe it as extremely painful. Either way I’d rather just deal with the natural pain of childbirth 

  • Marah S

    November 16, 2016

    Saira,

    I was the one who mentioned you could get the epidural maybe mena mentioned it too and I hadn’t noticed.

    The epidural is a medicine that an anesthesiologist injects into your spine during labor. It numbs you so that you don’t feel the pain of contractions. In America about 60% of women get the epidural. And they usually just sleep through the whole thing or relax with with their family untill it’s time to push. I don’t know anyone who has had a baby without an epidural, all of my friends and family have gotten it, including my mom. Doctors say that it has no effects on the baby or the mom although I am skeptical. You can look it up or ask your midwife for more information.

  • Saira

    November 16, 2016

    Sister Ana 

    you are a real momin sorry I don’t know what to say in English 

    thinking about dying in a way to remind our self to Allahs blessing is key of our faith 

    our prophet pbuh encourage us to do that and as Muslim we should do that 

    it says the time we born baby get to hear prayer call first thing when the open their eyes and we get to read last prayer when we die , people read our prayer 

    it’s that short time we have in earth from prayer call to prayer 

    I am not best to write in English am sorry 

    now a days am all hearing labour things that hurts am automatically thinking about dying lol

     

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2016

    For those of you who don’t know, I have this obsession with thoughts of death/dying. I think of death daily, all day long. I know it’s morbid. One good thing about it though, I’m constantly reminded of how short life is and transitory. I know I’ve got to get on the good foot and stay there…

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2016

    I may not have had a baby, but I have heard of an epidural. Maybe things have changed over the years, but I used to hear that an epidural hurts like hell. They said it’s better to just deal with the pain of birth than to get that LOL

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2016

    Awww Sister Saira, thank you for your kind words. You’re such a sweetheart. 🙂

    I’m happy to hear that some of what I’ve said on this blog has been helpful to you. Alhumdulliah. A lot of what I’ve spoken about on this blog, I’ve lived it. I’ve learned from my errors, wrong beliefs and the wrong I’ve done.

    I’ve had a good mentor a long the way who knew more about Islam than I did and who I journeyed with and we continued to learn more as we journeyed together. I read a lot and learned wrong things when I first became Muslim. Thirty years of studying and learning and finally understanding the correct Islam has gotten me to a point in life that is easy and beautiful. My struggles and issues are different today than yesterday. I have days that I struggle with just life in general, being sad about the fact that one day I will die and leave people whom I love behind who I may never see again or people whom I love will die and leave me. So, I’m over here dealing with those type of issues in life 🙁

    Anyhow, several years ago I was in a profession in which I was out working and helping people. I think I had done a lot of good back then. I wanted to continue to help others and particularly work with Muslims. Then I was put in a position to know that there was a need for this blog. Now Allah has given it to us. I pray we’re doing a lot of good here. As I say often, we’re blessed to have one another and this blog is ours. We’re all taking a journey together. Insha Allah, we’ll all continue to grow and be better Muslims. Insha Allah, we’ll all meet in Jannah/Paradise 🙂

  • Saira

    November 16, 2016

    Sister mena 

    JazakAllah for great advice

    i will be asking you more and more question delivery related if you don’t mind lol 

    what os epidural as you said I could get that 

    does that has side effect on baby 

    i will be asking my midwife for this as an option 

    tomorrow inshAllah I will get dates and start eating in weeks time 

    when I walk from starirs I feel like my legs and bum is so heavy and I can’t take any step  and walk 

    is that something normal ?

  • Saira

    November 16, 2016

    Sister Anna 

    I posted when I was telling you how hubby trest me sometime and other time he is Tottally diffrent 

    I said he went away to back home for holidays and got me bag of cloths 14 dresses where he only got co only 3 or 4

    he does things things for me only he won’t buy for her the way he does for me but as you said it could be she alway puts weight on and ended up waste as cloths to tight for her 

    and he said he does for me as its fantasy to see me in all those colours am sure he much have done all with co in past but he does for me as could be I am from same culture and do things diffrent 

    he is more attractive to my physically but when you look at other things I could make fuss of things and demand but I don’t do that 

    From past many weeks he is more and more close to me 

    my kitchen is been getting repaired and I go with him at work and when ever we have time he takes me for shopping while at work 

    he started to love me the way I dreamed 

    and I would say it alla happend Ana because of you 

    you are real inspiration to me and in each ease I make prayer for you 

    I speak so much about you to my husband and he says you angel who helped us to build up good relationship 

    but again Allah made your words affect on me and help me understand real polygamy In Islam 

    now knowing you choose not to have kids I have more great respect for you 

    I honestly loved to hear for you over and over gain when you say polygamy a permissible and if we think like that marrige , pregnancy , male child female child all happend with Allahs will and seriously we all so stupid getting depressed for all these things 

    I started to understand my husband more from your advice 

    but one thing I won’t ever do is to stay in abusive marrige or advice any one to do 

    no matter how happy I am or any one and they get abuse some time 

    it’s not in Islam to stay silent 

    but again I witness one thing if we bow down to Allah and only expect fairness from him Alone and worship him alone 

    things change in life 

     

  • Saira

    November 16, 2016

    Aslamu alakykum 

    sister sadyah 

    i agree with Ann and Tasliyman 

    husband often lie to each wife sometime as well

    and don’t think all husband same 

    I suffer torture in this marrige but stay focus on Allah and did not try delibery hurt my co or made her jelous 

    and don’t think husband will be fair in any marrige as we all humen and make mistakes and we only ask Allah to help us and make others heart soft for us 

    I live in very small house and my house is not in nice area and where my co lives in posh area and got big house, she get more them double pocket money and monthly allowance then me ,she drives and got expensive car where I don’t drive but still I won’t get taxi I rather take train or bus 

    these are all material things I as humen use to think and some time still think and feel bad for my self but only things matter humen feelings and how you thank Allah for the things you have in life other then looking and comparing things vd co in our situation 

    my co lied so much she tried so hard so hubby divorce me she was playing innocent game 

    keeping pious and innocent face in front of family and always bring me Inbetween and lie and make me small in front of family 

    of you read my post she made my in laws quit all ties vd me and it’s was going ok and things started and begin to speak to all but she played game again 

    went to in laws and lied so much but this time she used my name where I don’t talk to any one and she ended up proved her self wrong and dishonest in their eyes 

    and now they don’t talk to her much at the moment.

    am new wife Ofcourse my husband will do things differently with me as its new relationship 

    in beginning my husband didn’t even wanted kids and then he was showing me he will get another wife and then he had issue as am having female child 

    he been showing tantram and now Alahamdulih I am in such a ease and it’s all cause Allah made that happend 

    but he seen my pregnancy diffrent in his experiance women becom so fat and not allowed to trim body hair and not allowed to do hair dye etc and put on bed rest for months 

    but seeing me doing every thing normal and even doing regular excercise and Alhamdulih not missing single prayer he changes and admit his fears were wrong 

    he told me out loud I should work hard and he will pay any money to fitness instructer to get me in shape in no time 

    that’s is his wish and am doing it 

    I don’t tie my head in eveing and cry in pain 

    I try to do all work normally I use to do 

    where my co not able to do exactly same 

    in her mind doing all this will get his attention more and it’s excuse to pile up more fat which he hates 

    I cook and do every thing normal 

    but you know sadiyah if hubby in bad mood he says food is horrible where I stand in kictchen and cook all day 

    but I stop expecting any approciation 

    but I am doing all this as sister Ann said for sake of Allah 

    since I made this attention my life change 

    hubby in my night try to go to drop kids to school which is only possible is I am happily let him do which he does few days. Not all the time 

    he went yesterday morning and called me and said kids late as co was sleeping as usual 

    and he was back late for breakfast at mine 

    I always get him up for fajar no matter if I have one hour sleep at night and he alway miss fajar there 

    he buys more things for me when we go out but it does not mean he ignore my co 

    he wont buy but he give her monthly allowance 

    it could be I don’t drive and I go with him and she drives and goes alone 

    and it could be hubby feel as I get less in big material things like gold, house and etc 

    but again I feel more love in these small things he do for me then go wing huge monthly allowance ?

  • Mena

    November 16, 2016

    Sadyah

    I would agree with tasliman that just because something happends in 1 or even 10 cases, it doesn’t mean it will happen in yours. Its something iv learned in some areas and still learning in others. Id say dont go into polyagmy expecting the worse or the best, just go day by day. I had expected to only have to deal with my own feelings because everything I had heard about my co was good. It never worked out that way but Alhamdulilah I leaned a lot. 

    Tasliman

    Your right not all men are horrible to the first wife when he takes another. Its why I decided to blog. of course my husband had a choice. what I ment was he didn’t go out to seek another wife, she had heard about his good qualitys and was looking for a husband. She got a message to him and he spoke with me about it, he told me her situation and I thought he would be a good husband to her as he was to me. I didnt know she had heard so much about us that she became jealous. It became clear that she wanted all that I had, not just a husband. Because I was nieve I just gave and gave thinking she may be finding it hard to share. I was wrong, she thought I owed her something, almost like it was her right to take advantage of someones goodness. I had told my husband some women think their is something wrong in the current marrigae for him to marry another, I asked him to make his feeling and intentions known lest she feel fooled and ends up hurt. 

    I have tried over all these years to see the good in her, I made excuses after excuses for her, now I can only say she is muslim and she prays. 

    I dont speak of her or anyone negatively because I have issues or thats how I cope, I honestly think people only say that because they dont want others to have good, so they make up crap out of jealously nd envy. I speak what I believe to be the truth from my prospective because im sick of peoples bullsh$$. I have been silent for a long time and now im ready to break that silence. I really dont like when people speak about me when they have the opportunity to speak to me. Its passive aggressive and really annoying. 

    Last, I know my husband s honest with me because as I said before I spent 2-3 obsessing over their marriage. I read every tx, every mail etc. He even ‘butt called’ me once and I listened first hand. I had nothing to worry about. She hurt herself to hurt me, now shes only hurting herself. Its sad but true. 

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2016

    Sadyah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, 🙂

    I second what Tasliyman said when she stated: “I think you should keep in mind that just because these things seem to happen in certain instances doesn’t mean it will always be the case.”

    Not all husbands are the same. Some are romantic and loving and others aren’t. Some are patient and understanding and others aren’t. Some lie a lot. Some are honest to a fault, meaning to the point that they hurt others with what they say. Some are good financial providers and others aren’t etc. Some are good communicators and others aren’t. Not all marriage whether monogamous or polygamous are the same. People are all different with different personalities and dispositions.

    I didn’t read the comment in which Saira said her husband bought her co fourteen dresses and brought her none. I went back to try to find it, but couldn’t. However, I saw a nice comment that Saira wrote to Jasmina about how to improve her life by doing things to make herself feel good such as beautifying herself and praying etc. It was a very nice post that I had missed earlier.

    One can’t say that a husband is being unjust or unfair to a wife simply because he’s doing certain things for one and not the other. Maybe Saira had plenty of clothes and wasn’t in need of any. It could be that since the co had gained a lot of weight (based on what Saira stated), none of her clothes fit any longer and she needed a new wardrobe. A husband doesn’t have to give all his wives the same thing. Just because he purchased something for the one wife doesn’t mean he has to give the other something. Maybe he’ll buy Saira some maternity clothes or has something else in mind for her that he’ll give her later. Maybe Saira’s husband had been spending a lot on Saira and had barely done anything for the other. Perhaps getting the fourteen dresses for the other was done as it was the others turn to receive.

    Wives get themselves in trouble when they know what the other is getting anyhow and can’t see the complete picture. Remember, we only get what Allah wants us to have, no more and no less. Allah decides.

  • Tasliyman

    November 16, 2016

    Sadyah, 

    First of all we don’t know if Saira’s husband is actually being honest with her or if he goes and says the same to his other wife. 

    If it is true, I suppose it would be a comfort to know that not all husbands would treat their first wives that bad. 

    Same with Mena’s situation. If her husband is being honest with her and not going to the second wife and telling her exactly the same things, a comfort would be that not all husbands marries the second wife only because the woman wants to marry him (as if he had no choice in the matter). 

    I think you should keep in mind that just because these things seem to happen in certain instances doesn’t mean it will always be the case.   

  • Tasliyman

    November 16, 2016

    Jasmina

    Some people have a habit of putting other people down all the time only to feel better about themselves. 

     

    What they say may be true or not, but saying it serves no other purpose than making them appear to be superior than the person they are putting down. 

     

    In some cases, it’s only a specific person that is targeted but I’ve also come across a case where the person is practically incapable of saying something nice about anyone else. 

     

    It all boils down to a low self esteem and an attempt to eradicate your own insecurities. 

     

    When faced with a polygamous situation the other wife becomes the obvious target. It seems to be happening with first and second wives. 

     

    I have a strong dislike for people constantly putting others down so I spot the pattern quite quickly.  However, picking it up here on the blog in a polygamous context made me realise that  it’s just a person’s way of coping and I have no right to judge them as I don’t know the true difficulties they are facing. 

     

    I am working on not letting it upset me anymore but rather to have tolerance and patience with other people and to allow them to deal with their issues at their own pace. 

     

  • Sadyah

    November 16, 2016

    Assalam o alaikum sisters,

    I want to ask one question . Is this possible for a husband to be so different for both of the wives.Like he loves one and hates the other one.I don’t know why but when I read about sis Sara’s husband that he bought 14 dresses for one and forgot the other one, I cried whole day and night by considering her position .Can a man forget  his wife and all the pleasure that he took from her,the mother of his children.I tried to ignore this point and not to ask you experienced people but when sis saira wrote that her husband didn’t go to any of his child birth before but now he will go then I felt like …will my husband forget me if he will take another wife? Or if I won’t make a mess then he will still love me? I actually want to clear my mind before the situation so that I will have answers for satan’s whispers.

    Please sis Ana don’t accept my post if this will hurt anyone specially sis saira because she has suffered alot and I don’t want to make her sad by my words. I do love her as a sis in Islam and I do pray for her and her co.

  • Mena

    November 16, 2016

    Jasmina 

    Another thing is polygamy is lonley for men. They used to be able to share anything with their wife. When he has more than one he cant do that any longer. Marriage can be a stress, imagine not being able to share your troubles with those closest to you, like a wife. It must be very hard. Just because he wasnt happy with her that day and expressed it doesn’t mean he should divorce her. If you think he should divorce the woman who is his least favourite then men would only have one wife. They both cant be the favourite. He was very clear in the beginning of the marriage about his feelings towards me. She was not under any illusion enforced by my husband. It was her choice to marry a man who was already married to “the best woman hes ever known” those were his words to her. 

  • Mena

    November 16, 2016

    Jasmina

    I dont think he insinuated that he didnt like her, I think he expected that giving birth was the same for everyone and all women deal the process the same way. maybe he was taken aback by how she handled it. I dont know. He was VERY stressed that day (she likes to stress people) and I suppose he made a mistake by saying something he shouldn’t have. 

    Im sure their were days when we first entered polygamy that he didnt like me very much, he never said that but I didnt even like me then so it would make sense. Im sure glad he didnt decide to divorce me cuz I was being an ass. 

    Iv always thought that their marriage was strange, I guess they both get out of it what they both deserve. My husband seems happy enough to continue to have 2 wives and I have no clue whats going on with her, as in, if she is happy or not. 

    If im really honest I dont think anyone would like to be married to someone like her, I suppose thats one of the benefits of polygamy for women. Women who otherwise would not be married because no man wants to be with them 100% of the time. Also, their marriage was not a love marriage for my husband, he already had that. She wanted to marry him and he married her. He must see some good in her. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Jasmina

    November 16, 2016

    Mena

    it sounds like your husband doesn’t like his other wife, why is he married to her. It’s so bad he insinuates he doesn’t like her, may as well leave her instead of putting her down behind her back

  • Jasmina

    November 16, 2016

    Ana

    yes it is, I’m haven’t practiced for years due to marital problems and then having a baby and more drama lol however I’m able to help my husband who is also an architect which gives us something to talk about.  After my graduate job I haven’t worked in the field again. I’m trying to get my foot in the door again but I don’t think I could do the long hours it requires. 

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Being an architect is such a cool profession. 🙂

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2016

    Everyone, 🙂

    Please always check to make sure you didn’t miss reading any comments. Sometimes I’ll be writing mine and post it, only to realize that some came in before mine did and they fall below mine in order.

  • Jasmina

    November 16, 2016

    Najwa

    co will never disagree with my husband on things like that otherwise she would look like the one making things hard. She has ways of keeping him away, like through manipulation and whole family putting chores on him

  • Jasmina

    November 16, 2016

    No we didn’t leave the house, we had coffee together all three of us.  She showed off so much and put on her best forward to get on his good side lol…. and when she came to my house she looked peeved probably thought I couldn’t clean lol but I’m an architect and I love a beautiful home. Anyhow I tried to put my best foot forward as well. It was nice. Whilst it lasted.

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2016

    najwa5,

    It’s okay. Thank you for letting me know you posted it twice. I had just seen it and said how did I UNapprove that one and how did it get up here at the top Lol

  • Jasmina

    November 16, 2016

    Ana

    lol yes I know we were at peace for our husbands sake but it was very short lived. We were competing on whom could take better care of him and so he loved the attention. 

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2016

    Mena,

    Besides being put off from having children because I helped raise my siblings when I, myself, was a child, the thought of giving birth was another reason I did not want any. Talking about scared lol You just don’t know…

  • Mena

    November 16, 2016

    Saira

    I dont know the exact detail of Marys labour, just was is written in Quran. I stand or at least ‘perch’ on the edge of a chair untill babys head is visable, then I lie down and push. The midwife or your husband can check if the head is visable (its called crowning) dont attempt to check yourself lol. Women do push when kneeling or squatting but iv never gave birth like that. Id say stand as much you can, sit if you have to. Its tempting to lie down and writhe in pain but the pain wont stop till the baby is born and the best way is to stand up. If your husband is going to be there use him as a physical support when you get a contraction (its likely you’ll go into a squatting position so hold onto his arms/hands and try not to break his fingers). 

    Ana, 

    I bet reading all this your soooooo glad you never had children lol 

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif This is you right now. 

     

  • najwa5

    November 16, 2016

    Shukran @ Ana and Mena too. I just saw y’all responses. My apologies for posting the same question twice.

    @ Ana ,

    He didn’t say how he would do if it. He’s waiting for the brother at MuseLlah to give him some info. But he already said the co may fuss and have a fit if he decides to stay at our home. We not really sure if surgery is needed but he’s just preparing.

    @ Mena my co is a trip most times too. But I was thinking about letting him recover there since I work. BuT we will see.

    @ Jasmina I don’t know about visiting at each other house. She hardly wants to admit that I exist. And doesn’t want to let children know that I’m still in the pic. It’s just petty.

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I’m surprised your co let you come to her home, based on how much trouble she’s tried to cause you over the years.

    Did you leave the house when the other visited and vice versa or just was in another room? Did you and she communicate during the visit??

  • najwa5

    November 16, 2016

    @ Jasmina shukran for your response. 

  • najwa5

    November 16, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum sisters, 

     I have a quick that I hope someone can answer,when a man has two wives but is getting a surgery and needs time to recover. Who house does he recover at

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2016

    Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Insha Allah, I’ll make dua for you, Sis. It’s very sweet and kind of your husband to reassure you and say he’ll be with you every step of the way. I can imagine just how scared you are, but try not to be. Moreso try to replace those thoughts with the thought that Allah will take care of you and take you through it. Remember, Allah remembers those who remember Him 🙂

  • Jasmina

    November 16, 2016

    Najwa 

    my hubby had knee surgery recently and he spent a week at her house and a week at my house and then continued with normal schedule. I visited him once at her house and once she visited him at my house. 

     

  • Mena

    November 16, 2016

    Najwa5

    When my husband had surgery it was cos last night. It was my opinion that he should stay with me and make up the time to her because im the best person to take care of him. BUT we knew she would kick up a fuss and my husband didn’t want to spend an extra night on top of the scheduled nights at her home. So, although painful he stuck to the schedule. Obviously, I did the kind thing and said he could stay there to recover and he didn’t need to make up any nights but he didn’t want to do that. 

    Its really up to him, id go with whatever made it easy for him. Im not one to put difficulties on others. 

  • Saira

    November 16, 2016

    Wa alakykum Salam 

    sister mena JazakAllah for the advice 

    I am still so scared about the vaginal delivery 

    I have asked hubby as well and he is more scared then me but then he said he will come with me and the whole time he will be with me and make dua for me which is nice of him 

    he hates child birth and never went any where near and he says he wants to be with me in every moment but even that thougt still don’t take my pain away lol

    may be I had such a traumatic experiance before that’s why am so scared and my mid wife said it won’t be as scary as before but same time she scared me and said if I ripped my old scar while pushing its life threatening condition 

    sister mena when u mention child birth in Quran and about marry to shake the tree 

    does it mean whole pushing time during labour women should stand or just for little while .

    i like the idea of eating dates I will inshAllah try 

    I been using bio oil mix with olive and coconut oil in my tummy when ever I do wazu and so far my skin is smooth and stretch mark free 

    every one make dua as I have problem with social services and hubby and I are trying to do every thing to work things out

    keep me in prayers 

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2016

    najwa5,

    There is no set rule for that one. It’s on you, she and he to figure it out. Ultimately, it would be his call on how he wants to do it. For instance:

    Maybe you could do a coin toss or pull lots  https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif It is said that when the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) took a wife with him on a journey he pulled lots. It’s probably the fairest way.

    Maybe he could stay with the one wife and make up the time with the other once he’s well – as in using vacation time.

    If he’s able to move about, when he gets better he could go to the other house to recover the rest of the way.

    You could make it easy for him and you and let him recover with the other at her househttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif Taking care of an ailing person isn’t exactly a picnic.

    A question is would the wife whose house he isn’t staying at be allowed to come visit him?

    How did he say he wanted to do it?

    najwa5, it’s a good question.

  • anabellah

    November 15, 2016

    Mena,

    Thanks a million for the review https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif I appreciate it. Insha Allah, I’ll have the webmaster guy put some of it on the book’s website.

  • najwa5

    November 15, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum sisters, 

      I have a quick question and hopefully someone can answer for me. When a man has two wives and he needs to get surgery that will take him time to recover. Who house does he recover at?

  • Mena

    November 15, 2016

    Marah s

    I only had medication  (pethidine) with my first child. I wouldn’t recommend it, I can remember let alone enjoy the first moments of his life. The others were natural and believe it or not I was happy I felt EVERYTHING, but more importantly remembered everything. The medication really messed up the birthing experience. When the last one was born I was up and eating french fries and drinking tea 20 after the birth. Its funny cuz the day my co gave birth he came to visit hugged soooo tight and said “How do make everything look easy, your even the best at giving birth” I dont think he ment to disclose that but I guess the stress and everything left his feelings wide open. Im so excited for all the women here having babys. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • Marah S

    November 15, 2016

    So apparently my aunt is getting married soon, she seems to really like this married guy. His wife saw their text messages and threw a big fit a couple weeks ago, she even threatened to kill herself if he goes through with it. She called my aunt and begged her to leave her husband alone and to have mercy on her kids. She even said she would make dua for her that she finds her own husband. But my aunt says she doesn’t care how she feels, she wants to marry him even more now. She even went to visit him and spent the day with him last weekend behind his wife’s back and he promised that he will marry her soon. I don’t know how to feel about the whole thing. I feel bad for his wife but I don’t know if I should feel bad for her because polygamy is allowed and she has to accept it. But at the same time I know that the way my aunt and him are going about everything is not permissible. 

  • Marah S

    November 15, 2016

    Mena that is awesome advice, I’m really hoping for an all natural unmediated birth, I know it’s going to hurt but for some reason I’m not scared I’m really excited. Im too curious for my own good, I want to know what it’s all about the pain and everything.

    Saira,

    My sister had 2 natural births and one c-section. For her, the recovery from c-section was much more difficult and took longer. She said something similar to mena as soon as the baby is out it’s like the pain goes away and you’ll be back on your feet in no time. 

    everything will be okay whatever road you choose. I think you should try it out vaginally if you can’t handle the pain then there’s always the epidural, which will take away the pain so you don’t have to feel it. I think Vaginal delivery is the better option, just remember C-section is major surgery It’s a great option when there is an emergency but when everything is normal vaginal delivery is better for mom and baby. Also make lots of dua that everything goes smooth <3

  • anabellah

    November 15, 2016

    WOW, such awesome advice!

  • Mena

    November 15, 2016

    Saira

    Iv never had a c section, only vaginal deliverys. YES, it hurts……so bad. but after you’ve delivered most of the pain is gone. just a few after pains (think bad period pain) that paracetamol will sort out. recovery is quite quick most of the time. Try not to worry and get scared. I like to remember that every pain (contraction) is the baby getting one step closer to being born. My advice to any pregnant woman is to STAND UP. From experience when you labour lying down it takes a lot longer. Get gravity on your side lol.

    In Quran,  Allah revealed to Mary to pull down or shake on the branches of a date tree and eat the dates that fall. To do so she have to be standing, thats where I got the gem of advice from. I also ate dates during the last 8 weeks (2-3 a day) I truly think it helped. 

    Stay calm and remember to breath, say bismillah with every push. 

  • Saira

    November 15, 2016

    As salamu alakykum every one 

    hope every one is doing great 

    JazakAllah sister umm Maryam for blessing us pregnant women 

    just a general question to all ladies if they able to answer I am just looking for advice 

    I had previous emergency c section 

    it was something happens when I collapse and baby and I were in danger before my due date 

    whole thing happend while I was unconscious but recovery was so hard

    now my midwife asking me my opinion about child birth I been watching child birth videos and to be honest I am so scared and to the point I feel like run away far from the pain 

    what are you ladies suggesting had any one had c section and then vaginal delivery sorry it gross but does it hurt and need to cut it off you know what I am asking??

    i need to tell my plan to midwife in two weeks time as I could go to labour 6 weeks early from previous experience but if things ok I migh pass this without going to premature labour 

    January I been given but Allah knows when time comes

  • anabellah

    November 15, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Hey yah all. Whats happening? I’m just staying busy, but I’m still here if anyone wants to talk, Insha Allah 🙂

  • UmmMaryam

    November 13, 2016

    To the sisters who are pregnant here…May Allah give you a healthy pregnancy and baby and make your offspring among the righteous.  To Sr. Aisha, May Allah give you ease and comfort soon.  Ameen?

  • UmmMaryam

    November 13, 2016

    ️️Jazak Allah Khair Ummof4 for your advice. 

  • anabellah

    November 13, 2016

    Sister Aisha,

    I agree that you have no reason to be concerned about marrying again after your divorce. I know of ooo goo gobs of women of all ages, races and nationalities who have children, divorced and remarried. Some remarried a couple or few times with no problem whatsoever. It’s no biggy unless you’re in a backwards country that follow culture/tradition and not Islam.

    I admire “Spirited” for getting back out there and on the horse again. Insha Allah, she’ll have a wonderful marriage.

    It’s important that you don’t go back to that man anymore. You have to make your sincerest intention not to go back under any condition or circumstance.

  • anabellah

    November 13, 2016

    Ren, As Salaamu Alaikum, Sister,

    Thank you for understanding. I liked the way you did that without giving the title, author etchttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    @All,

    If anyone experienced a problem viewing the blog earlier, it was just me updating the theme, and I had to put all the features back, as well. Sorry for the inconvenience.

  • Ren

    November 13, 2016

    Hi Sister Aisha,

    If you searched “getting out of a destructive relationship” it should come up.  I checked it out from the library so it should be available online. if Ana says it’s okay , I’ll give the whole title. I just happened upon this book and it seemed like I should read it, it really outlines all toxic types of men, as they do come in different forms. 

    I’ll pray for you. I do hope you find peace out if this relationship and find yourself again.

    Blessings ,

    Ren 

  • anabellah

    November 13, 2016

    I think to be fair, if I wouldn’t allow someone to advertise a sister’s book here, it should apply to other titles as well. There is a no free advertising policy on the blog for now. A lot can be found on the internet just by googling it- such as the word “toxic relationship.”

  • Aisha

    November 13, 2016

    Sister Ren what is the book called? He is a narcissist.. I find that I coped better with the times it was physical abuse. I hate these mind games and I hate being accused of something I haven’t done. 

    Jasmina.. I’m back and my families house alhamdulilah the safest place I can be. My family bought me a brand new phone with a brand new phone but this man still managed to get hold of my brand new email address and my phone number and I don’t even know how! 

     

  • najwa5

    November 12, 2016

    Jasmina, 

    Thank you. May Allah make it easy on you Ameen

     

  • Jasmina

    November 12, 2016

    Najwa

    your husband sounds awesome, you should be very grateful Alhamdulillah. May Allah increase the love and respect between you two.

    My husband will never treat me with fairness. I’m trying to live with it until Allah wills for me to leave or something happens. Currently I have some health issues and without any support from family or husband I’m really struggling but it is what it is. Alhamdulillah. 

  • Jasmina

    November 12, 2016

    Aisha

    stay strong and don’t lose that conviction you have right now, men have a way of softening us. Is there a way you can avoid talking to him by changing your phone. Are you somewhere safe? Ince he realises that you are no longer the girl you used to be whom would take the abuse he will back off. For as long as he believes he can control you he won’t stop.

  • Ren

    November 12, 2016

    Hi Aisha,

    I’ve read your posts and feel your pain. it does sound like you have a manipulative man on your hands. I think you said it right, he wants to control you and that has nothing to do with love. it also sounds like he likes to use religion against you in saying you are the one being disobedient. I have heard all of this before myself, it’s never them with the problem, it’s always someone else.  don’t let him get in your head and make you believe the problem is you or that he had a right to control you. I am currently reading a book on how to get rid of a man who is toxic to you, and let me tell you, it really has opened my eyes even more that I was being emotionally abused and tortured. I am trying to get mine out of the house as well, he just is not hearing me apparently, that I want him out. i

  • Aisha

    November 12, 2016

    He’s a piece of crap. The quicker I get rid the better… he is still trying to control my every move and if I tell him where to go he tells I’m disobedient etc 

    cannot wait to be free inshaAllah! 

  • Jasmina

    November 12, 2016

    Sallam Aisha

    it is okay to divorce whilst pregnant but your iddah ends as soon as you give birth this is so that the child is born in wedlock and protects its lineage. Also it protects a woman’s honour. Amongst other wisdoms. It’s fine though, there is a Hadith of a woman whom was divorced whilst pregnant and someone wanted to marry her but he had to wait until she gave birth.

    if he doesn’t give you divorce then seek khulu. I don’t know how iddah applied to khulu whilst pregnant, it may be the same I’m not sure. Either way you have to wait so if he gives you divorce just before you give birth then that’s okay probably even better because you won’t have to observe the rulings of iddah for very long haha. A day that’s not bad. Now you are free to do everything without iddah rulings. If he gives talak after I’m not sure because you are on your bleeding and check if that is okay as I know it’s not okay during menstruation to divorce. 

    Im sure there’s info on islamqa. Get the knowledge and be informed. Be steps ahead of your husband as he seems manipulative .

  • najwa5

    November 12, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and hi,

    This past week has been a good one Alhamdulilah! The hubby has been taking and picking me up from work. I like it because since we don’t spend time during day BC of work. We get to spend like an hr together on the ride home before he goes to the co’s house. This transition is angering the co. Because usually when he gets to her it’s past maghrib time and the sun is already down. Now I laugh and just smh at it because when the show was on the other foot. It was all fine and dandy. ( the hubby would be still at her house past maghrib, putting children to bed on my night. But it was all good in her mind).  I just never understood the competition. She’s his wife and I am his wife if we like it or not. Allah chose for us to be his wives. I think at times we need to come to grips that it is what it is.  

  • Mena

    November 12, 2016

    Aisha

    As far as I know if he pronounce the divorce now it counts as a divorce but your iddah is over when you deliver the baby. Untill the baby is born the divorce is not final. Im just not sure if he would be wrong  (as in sinful) if he gives you talak during pregnancy. 

    I think hes being an asshole. If he waits till your ABOUT to deliver then basically your still pregnant, so according to him, it would still be an innovation. To go with what hes saying, he’d have to give you talak AFTER you’ve delivered. I think ummof4 will have more knowledge on this subject. 

  • Jasmina

    November 12, 2016

    I’ve made so many mistakes in life I feel I’m stuffed but I find much pleasure in sharing my bits of advice and helping younger sisters navigate through life so they make better choices. I have lots of younger friends now where as in the past most of my friends consisted of women 20 years my senior at least.

  • Jasmina

    November 12, 2016

    Alhamdulillah I’m well. Hanging in there I guess.

    yes it definitely depends on the woman. Some people can move on from pain easily. I think the quicker you focus on moving forward the better. I mean we can’t even mourn a deceased person for long so why do so with a divorce. It’s hard though but from my experience I urge you so much to move on to a point where you your whole self without the pain of your experiences even if you don’t look for someone else, just focus on happiness with yourself and your relationship with Allah. If someone comes along for marriage don’t push them away by bringing up your experience with your ex, believe the best in people and stay positive. 

  • Aisha

    November 12, 2016

    Salaam alaikum sister jasmina… how are you? Praying all is well with you inshaAllah.. 

    oh wow MashaAllah that’s amazing! It’s so nice to hear that there are some genuine brothers out there! The man I am married to have two previous wives he has kids with and MashaAllah one of them has really got on with her life remarried is happy.. however the other one is still lurking around.. sometimes I guess it depends on the woman too! 

  • Jasmina

    November 12, 2016

    Aisha

    assalamu alaykum. Very nice to hear from u Alhamdulillah and know you are doing well despite the challenges. May Allah keep you strong

    yes men marry single mothers. I know heaps. My dad married my mother when she was a single mom with my older sister. He has always loved her just the same and raised her from when she was just 6 months old. 

    Don’t let that worry you. Allah is whom decides these things, just make dua and Trust in Allah. SubhanAllah my friend has the most loving husband whom she married as a single mom of three, and he was never married and like 15 years younger than her. My other friend had I think 6 kids and also married a man never married before and at least 10 years younger than her. These are the happiest married couples I have met subhanAllah.  

  • Aisha

    November 12, 2016

    Mena.. because of my past experience I now have MAJOR trust issues… i personally wouldn’t trust another man around my child.. maybe overtime I will change my view about this.. I haven’t even given birth yet and I already feel like overly protective of my child.. it’s just such a sad sad world SubhanAllah… 

    i don’t know if anyone knows the ruling of divorce but the man I was married to claims it’s an innovation to divorce whilst pregnant.. he basically said to message him when I’m about to deliver the baby and then he will pronounce the divorce… 

  • Mena

    November 12, 2016

    Aisha

    Yes, I known many men who have married single mothers. They do encounter some problems, due to the mother putting the child (who is not his child) first. They can become jealous. It would take a very caring, self assured man but it does happen. Chances are he will also have children by a previous or current wife. I think if a person is or marries someone over the age of 25 there is very high chance they both will be step parents. 

  • Aisha

    November 12, 2016

    Do men marry single mothers? 

    Just curious… definitely put off marriage for a lifetime… but i was just thinking about those women who must long for a husband to cuddle at the end of the day… or just to have some male attention. 

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2016

    Mena,

    I’m glad you read the book and I look forward to your review when you get some free time to do it. Thank you! 🙂

    I definitely remember “Billy”. She was so much fun. Over the years, we had some wonderful people here with us as we do today, as well. Alhumdulliah, we’ve been able to communicate with some fantastic people. I’m with you; I love Gail’s posts. The way she words things just crack me up too. What so cool about it is that she doesn’t realize how funny she is. LOL

  • Mena

    November 11, 2016

    Ana

    I have read your book and plan to write a review on the blog. I just haven’t got round to it yet. I love spirited too, I do hope her new husband/husband to be, realises what a little gem hes got. Do you remember ‘billy’ she never blogged often, but when she did she was very good at putting things into prospective. I miss a lot of the old bloggers. Iv have a real down day today and for no particular reason. Iv stressed myself so much I now have a headache. I cant wait for bedtime. 

    Marah s

    Soooo exciting to have a little one on the way, so soon. I do miss that feeling (not being huge, uncomfortable and heartburn, not to mention not being able to keep wudu for longer than a hour cuz a baby is sitting on my bladder lol) but the preparation, waiting to see them and hold them. Im excited for you. I hope Allah give you a pious child, healthy child ameen. 

    Gail

    Glad you back, I missed your posts, and although you say you dont intend to be funny your always cracking me up. You’ve really held your own while being mixed up with ur husbands family. how exciting your off to pakistan to see the new house. Dont forget your ‘life straw’ 

    Aisha

    I was thinking of you recently. I share everyone elses view, please dont go back to those crazy people. you tried really hard to make the marriage work but those 2 are no good. Im glad you and the baby are doing well. I love the name Ilyas for a boy and Tasneem for a girl. The boys name is the name of a prophet and the girls is a river in paradise. 

    Yall are making me want another baby. maybe ill set an alarm to wake me up every two hours to remember whats it like to have a newborn. 

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2016

    Gail,

    I was thinking that you would be gone for just a month. Four months or more, WOW!. It’s nice to be able to have two homes, one of which is in another country. Insha Allah, you’ll have internet access and will still be able to blog with us.

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2016

    Gail,

    Isn’t Spirited just amazing! I love her. Insha Allah, She’ll stop in soon and let us know that she be married now 🙂

  • Gail

    November 11, 2016

    Ana,

     I am dying to know if spirited is married yet.I wish she would pop back in and fill us in on everything.I want detailssss.I am so excited for her and I really do find her so amazing at how she just moved on with her life.I know it was so hard for her and I admire her so much for how she has not sat and stewed over her exhusband.

  • Gail

    November 11, 2016

    Saira,

     Thank u so much for your advice about loosing weight it was very helpful and I will take your advice.I use to put apple cider vinegar in my water but stopped when I was diagnosed with Gastroparesis.My stomach is much better these days so I think I will try a small amount of ACV.I love the idea of strawberries and mint in my water.I actually grow mint all over my property here in USA for my chutney’s.

    U are more than welcome to come to my home in Pakistan anytime.I don’t have any friends in Pakistan and would dearly love to finally make friends after all these years.

    Ana,

    We will stay at least 4 months but I never really have a set time limit to be honest.I do plan on spending more time in Pakistan in the next several years so my children can form bonds with their cousins now that they r are teenagers.It’s very important to me and my husband that the kids form bonds sense we have kept them in a bubble sense they were born.If the kids like it I might let the younger ones stay anything is possible sense the children are all old enough to fly on their own now.

     

     

  • Marah S

    November 10, 2016

    I’m due in January it seems so close but so far, I am so ready for this baby to come! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • Marah S

    November 10, 2016

    Anabellah,

    Its very nice of you to try and cheer up some of the Muslims through the internet, I know a lot of people are scared right now, there have been a lot of hate crimes from his supporters since yesterday especially against Muslim women. It’s important for us to support one another and remind one another of Allah when times get difficult.

  • Saira

    November 10, 2016

    Sister Gail 

    hope you have good holidays in Pakistan you want me come over to your luxury home in pak and be your guest lol

    just kidding sis 

    i read you trying hard to loose weight 

    I help many sister to loose weight and I loose too when I gain and found its easy if you stick with your routine 

    I have seen people loosing weight with protein shake it’s good and help you a lot but with that only problem you get it your hair loose other then that it’s good 

    am pregnant and already thinking to make diet plan soon after delivery 

    but I like to stick with water diet it is soo good and works majic 

    only thing in water diet you have to follow is don’t drink water 20 to 30 min before having meal and try to drink less after meal and if you have habbit of drinking water during meal try to stop that as well

    yoi can eat any thing any sweet any chocolate but only thing u need to add in your diet is water

    once you start with week you will see most of. Junk and fizzy drinks will cut automatically from your diet 

    you can make your favourite water by adding any thing any fruit any herb and drink when ever u can 

    Apple sidet vinegar cuts all fat so fast 

    I don’t like the taste but I do must add this in my water diet plan 

    you can have one jug and simply add few spoon of Apple sidet vinger in that and have that water in small portion during day 

    trick is when u drink a lot and you starting to feel tummy ache stop there and try to work Normal day to day task and do this few time day it shrink the fat inside tummy so fast 

    add some mint leave strawberries in to your water have that 

    you can make any sort of water by adding things 

    by God will it will for sure help you 

    start writing in note from the day you started this and how much you started drinking from day one to day 30 you will see change 

    it may take few weeks to months but it will work

    hope it help 

  • Saira

    November 10, 2016

    Dear sister aisha 

    congrats on your pregnancy 

    I don’t know much about you am still new to this blog.

    your husband physically abuse you while pregnant that’s so sad 

    is it your first pregnancy sister?reason am asking is as you said you not going back to him and may be new born bring love between you and your husband 

    am pregnant too may Allah make it easy for you it is horrible thing to think when your husband can abuse you while carrying his child and he say it’s not his child 

    that is soooo wrong 

    may Allah bring happiness to you and bless you with healthy child Ameen 

    sister Ana I will find out in few weeks time as I may have to deliver early due to some medical complications 

     

  • anabellah

    November 10, 2016

    Marah S,

    When is your precious baby due? Saira, I know you have a ways to go.

    @Mena, Yeah, I hear ya about how things are on this planet.

  • anabellah

    November 10, 2016

    Aisha,

    I am so happy that you are up and out of there again away from your husband and Insha Allah, it’s once and for all – no going back. So, you’re five months pregnant now. Woo hoo. Times does fly for sure. It’s going to fast for me. Remember, I’m one of those weird people who think about death daily all day long lol. I wonder what name they give that type of person. It’s my malfunction LOL. Again, don’t you dare think about going back to that man or else you’ll be a glutton for punishment. 🙁 You’re way smarter than that.

  • anabellah

    November 10, 2016

    Marah S,

    I agree with you about Hillary. I think they dogged her out badly. She’s an awesome women who has dedicated her life to trying to make life better for so many people. Even the Clinton Foundation has done some extraordinary work globally. Anyhow, Allah decided her time was up. I had wondered how she would make it through the four years because she seemed to be struggling with her health as much as I hate to admit it.

  • anabellah

    November 10, 2016

    Gail,

    I’m just glad that it over too. You don’t know how much. I just want to get back to what used to be my normal before I got wrapped up into politics. Your husband is right. We just have to make the best of what we’ve got despite who the President is. It’s not as though a president is one whom we’ve got for life. Trump may turn out to be an okay President. Allah knows best. Today, he expressed a willingness to receive help from Obama with the transition and he’s now talking about working for all Americans. So, we’ll see. It’s a nice start. I don’t see it having much of a bearing on my life one way or the other. My life has been pretty steady and comfortable. I thank Allah much. I am very much concerned about others, which I why I hated the hateful rhetoric of Trump. Oh well…

    I’m so happy to hear you have a beautiful new home that is awaiting you in Pakistan, and things are going so nicely for your children. Try not to stress so much about losing weight. It doesn’t help. One thing for sure, when you get to Pakistan and you do a lot of walking in the Pakistani Mountains you are should lose weight. It may be what you need to do to jump start the weight loss. How long do you intend to stay in Pakistan?

  • anabellah

    November 10, 2016

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam 🙂

    My hubz and I were laughing when I read to him what you wrote about the country not being ready for a female President following an African American one Lol You’re right. He and I didn’t consider that. I’m still messed up about the outcome. I still cry sigh. Trump and Obeezee (Obama) had a good meeting today. Trump seemed very humble. Anyhow, I read a few random ayat in the Quran today that were super helpful to me. I really needed them. I was helping some Muslims trying to give them words of comfort on the Internet because they feared they are going to get thrown out the country 🙁

  • ummof4

    November 10, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Aisha, it’s good to hear that your pregnancy is going well.  I pray that you NEVER return to your husband and that you get a divorce (khul) after you deliver the baby if he won’t divorce you.  No woman deserves the treatment you say you have received, especially when she is pregnant.  

    Umm Maryam, I wrote a long post that I think got lost addressing your issue of your husband marrying his ex-sister-in-law.  I agree with the other ladies on the blog that your husband has to decide who he wants to marry.  A husband can consult his wife before marriage, but the decision is his.

     There have been several times in my marriage that I have suggested that my husband marry sisters who appeared to need companionship and help with rearing their children, especially their sons.  Each time, my husband told me that he would marry who he wanted to marry, not who I wanted him to marry.  So I stopped suggesting.  

    Your reasons sound noble, Alhamdulillah.  However, since your husband is the uncle of the children, he can still be a positive Muslim male role model for them without marrying their mother. He can help them financially without marrying her.  Taking care of the widows and orphans does not always mean to marry them.  

    If they do get married, it will be the qadr of Allah.  Please do not approach her to be a “pity wife”.  Women want to be loved, respected, and treated kindly, not pitied.  

    And for everyone,  IF YOUR HUSBAND MARRIES ANOTHER WIFE, HE WILL HAVE SEX WITH HER.  THAT IS HIS RIGHT AND THAT IS HER RIGHT AS SPOUSES FOR EACH OTHER.  WHATEVER AGREEMENT IS MADE TO FORBID OR TO PROMISE NOT TO HAVE SEX IS HARAAM, AS ALLAH SAYS IN THE QUR’AAN THAT MARRIED COUPLES HAVE SEX AS PART OF MARRIAGE!

    Everyone, please remember to thank Allah for all that He has given each and every one of us.

    P.S.  I always thought that Trump would win once he got the Republican nomination,but I don’t discuss politics on the blog, so I stayed out of the discussion.  This country is not ready yet for an African-American president followed by a woman president.

  • Gail

    November 10, 2016

    Ana,

     Thanks I am glad u know I didn’t mean it in a bad or gloating way.I know I am just glad the election is over and we can get back to business.

        Hubby and I are planning a trip back to Pakistan next winter so I have extra on my plate now.I have to secure more properties and put 5 trailers on the properties right along with septic systems.We decided to send our middle son to get a septic licence.I am looking at how old they have to be and try to locate a digger for him.Also I am trying my hardest to loose weight before I go back because I want to do alot of walking in the Pakistani Mountains.Not sure if I mentioned it or not but we built a huge home in Pakistan this season as well so I am really excited to see the new house it’s 3 stories.I just can’t wait to see it! I never thought I would be saying that but after the family feud I am happy we have our own home in Pakistan now.

      I am really sorry the election was so painful on you and the ladies on the blog my husband said it really doesn’t matter who comes because whether we like it or not the power can change in 4 years so it’s better we concentrate on making our lives the best we can.I agree with him.

     

  • Marah S

    November 10, 2016

    Mean,

    Your post just about sums up how I now feel. Donald Trump winning should not have surprised me. The world is corrupt, and the majority of people are corrupt even in the Muslim world the rulers are corrupt so how could the land of non-Muslims be any better. My focus should be on worshipping Allah, the only one that actually has any say in what happens around the world. If any harm comes my way it will be through allahs decree and if any good comes my way it will be through his decree as well

  • Marah S

    November 10, 2016

    Anabellah, 

    I never considered myself to be emotionally involved in this election but I did shed a few tears when she gave her concession speech, it’s just so sad to see someone work so hard for something and dedicate their life for a positive cause and then see it handed over to someone who never worked hard for anything a day in their life. Hilary Clinton is an incredibly strong woman. What’s even more crazy is that she got more votes than Donald trump so logically she should have won but because of how the system is set up she still lost. It’s a reminder that only Allah is perfect and the American election system is just as flawed as everything else humans come up with.

  • Aisha

    November 10, 2016

    Alhamdulilah I am well… pregnancy is also going well alhamdulilah I’m 5months already SubhanAllah where does time go?!?! 

     

    I haven’t been able to post on here because I ended up going back thinking I was doing it for the sake of my child… but it was the same old crap I went back to more abuse…. 

    he took away my phone and I was banned from using the internet.. the co wife kicked a HUGE fuss at the in laws house so they basically kicked me out and told me I wasn’t welcome there… so I was stuck at home by myself… he was much much worse with me this time he would constantly tell me to kill myself and he even told me he doesn’t believe this baby is his.. 

    he has physically abused me twice whilst I have been pregnant and in the end I ended up walking out alhamdulilah… now there is NO way I would ever go back never ever ever inshaAllah… 

    All the love I once had for him has turned into hate… but alhamdulilah it’s made me stronger.. I cannot wait for my baby to arrive inshaAllah… 

    any suggestions on names?? I haven’t found out yet but I have this huge feeling it’s a baby boy… I’m excited for whatever it may be!!!! 

    Xx 

  • Mena

    November 10, 2016

    I actully wasn’t shocked that trump won. The majority of Americans are ignorant fools so it makes sense thay would vote for an ignorant fool to lead them. similarly the majority of uk are ignorant fools so it makes sense why they would make such and ignorant foolish choice to leave the E.U. It never made any sense to me why the genral public would be put in charge of such important issues when most dont know their arse from their elbow. 

    It clearly states in Quran that if we followed the majority then surly we would be lead astray, and the majority of the world are non muslims. The stupidly of people never surprises me. From a religious prospective, the world will only get more and more corrupt, world leaders will be incapable idiots and knowledge that benefits will become less and less. I only need to focus on saving myself and my family from the torment of the fire. So when it comes to elections and public votes I dont entertain them. I dont waste my time. 

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2016

    Gail,

    It’s okay. No need to apologize. You’re correct. I did tease you about Trump, and you had every right to tease me back. I can only speak for myself, but it was real raw and painful to find that Hillary wasn’t elected. It affected me as I never expected. I cried more about it than I did when my sister died. It’s really weird.

    But, really it’s okay. No hard feelings. I’m sorry I made you feel bad. We’re still friend, girlfriend 🙂

  • Gail

    November 9, 2016

    Ana,

     Sorry u and the other ladies feel the way u do about the campaign.I didn’t mean to upset u.I just remembered when all this started u gigged at me and said Trump would never make it so thats why I teased u back.Honestly I meant nothing by it.I had know idea that u actually donated to Hillary’s campaign had I known I would not have mentioned it sorry again.

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2016

    If anyone missed Hillary’s Concession Speech, she sent it to those who donated to her campaign and I’ll share it with you:

    Robin —

    Thank you.

    Last night, I congratulated Donald Trump and offered to work with him on behalf of our country. I hope that he will be a successful president for all Americans.

    This is not the outcome we wanted or we worked so hard for, and I’m sorry we did not win this election for the values we share and the vision we hold for our country.

    But I feel pride and gratitude for this wonderful campaign that we built together –- this vast, diverse, creative, unruly, energized campaign. You represent the best of America, and being your candidate has been one of the greatest honors of my life.

    I know how disappointed you feel, because I feel it too. And so do tens of millions of Americans who invested their hopes and dreams in this effort. This is painful, and it will be for a long time. But I want you to remember this: Our campaign was never about one person or even one election. It was about the country we love — and about building an America that’s hopeful, inclusive, and big-hearted.

    We have seen that our nation is more deeply divided than we thought. But I still believe in America –- and I always will. And if you do, too, then we must accept this result -– and then look to the future.

    Donald Trump is going to be our president. We owe him an open mind and the chance to lead.

    Our constitutional democracy enshrines the peaceful transfer of power, and we don’t just respect that, we cherish it. It also enshrines other things –- the rule of law, the principle that we’re all equal in rights and dignity, and the freedom of worship and expression. We respect and cherish these things too — and we must defend them.

    And let me add: Our constitutional democracy demands our participation, not just every four years, but all the time. So let’s do all we can to keep advancing the causes and values we all hold dear: making our economy work for everyone, not just those at the top; protecting our country and protecting our planet; and breaking down all the barriers that hold anyone back from achieving their dreams.

    We’ve spent a year and a half bringing together millions of people from every corner of our country to say with one voice that we believe that the American Dream is big enough for everyone — for people of all races and religions, for men and women, for immigrants, for LGBT people, and people with disabilities.

    Our responsibility as citizens is to keep doing our part to build that better, stronger, fairer America we seek. And I know you will.

    I am so grateful to stand with all of you.

    I want to thank Tim Kaine and Anne Holton for being our partners on this journey. It gives me great hope and comfort to know that Tim will remain on the front-lines of our democracy, representing Virginia in the Senate.

    To Barack and Michelle Obama: Our country owes you an enormous debt of gratitude for your graceful, determined leadership, and so do I.

    To Bill, Chelsea, Marc, Charlotte, Aidan, our brothers, and our entire family, my love for you means more than I can ever express.

    You crisscrossed this country on my behalf and lifted me up when I needed it most –- even four-month old Aidan traveling with his mom.

    I will always be grateful to the creative, talented, dedicated men and women at our headquarters in Brooklyn and across our country who poured their hearts into this campaign. For you veterans, this was a campaign after a campaign — for some of you, this was your first campaign ever. I want each of you to know that you were the best campaign anyone has had.

    To all the volunteers, community leaders, activists, and union organizers who knocked on doors, talked to neighbors, posted on Facebook – even in secret or in private: Thank you.

    To everyone who sent in contributions as small as $5 and kept us going, thank you.

    And to all the young people in particular, I want you to hear this. I’ve spent my entire adult life fighting for what I believe in. I’ve had successes and I’ve had setbacks -– sometimes really painful ones. Many of you are at the beginning of your careers. You will have successes and setbacks, too.

    This loss hurts. But please, please never stop believing that fighting for what’s right is worth it. It’s always worth it. And we need you keep up these fights now and for the rest of your lives.

    To all the women, and especially the young women, who put their faith in this campaign and in me, I want you to know that nothing has made me prouder than to be your champion.

    I know that we still have not shattered that highest glass ceiling. But some day someone will -– hopefully sooner than we might think right now.

    And to all the little girls watching right now, never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world.

    Finally, I am grateful to our country for all it has given me.

    I count my blessings every day that I am an American. And I still believe, as deeply as I ever have, that if we stand together and work together, with respect for our differences, strength in our convictions, and love for this nation -– our best days are still ahead of us.

    You know I believe we are stronger together and will go forward together. And you should never be sorry that you fought for that.

    Scripture tells us: “Let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season, we shall reap, if we do not lose heart.”

    My friends, let us have faith in each other. Let us not grow weary. Let us not lose heart. For there are more seasons to come and there is more work to do.

    I am incredibly honored and grateful to have had this chance to represent all of you in this consequential election. May God bless you and god bless the United States of America.

    Hillary

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2016

    I believe that what we go through shapes our lives. It could move us forward and advance us, if we take the time to do self-analysis and learn the lessons from it. I can say I’ve learned a lot during this whole election season that culminated last night.

    With regard the election, I fell asleep. I did so by following the lust of my heart. What I did was wrong. I went with my desire for Hillary to become President, and that desire was strong. Allah says if we follow the lusts of our hearts they will lead us astray. Some people mistakenly equate lust with only sexual desires, but it includes way more than that. I got caught up in trying to get my desire fulfilled. I watched the news almost incessantly. I listened to people conjecturing and flat out telling bald-faced lies. The conjecturing and lying shouldn’t have surprised me because Allah in the Quran tells us that it’s what they do. Instead of being neutral and accepting whatever Allah decided, I took a strong position. Although, I thought I could make a difference; it was an illusion. We definitely get the leadership that we deserve. Allah is a Just God. He had already decided who the next President of the US would be. So, I took myself through something unnecessarily and got upset and disappointed.

    I got to see what is in the hearts of people, though. Although Allah already tells us what is in people’s hearts. Marah S gave a good description. There are a lot of people out there with dark souls full of hate.

    So, with it said, and we have the President that Allah has selected for us, I just need to let it all play out, take a back seat and just watch the show from a distance. I believe Allah will protect me. Allah says He protects the Believers. It’s up to us to be that believer.

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2016

    Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s nice of you to check in. I pray you’re well and your pregnancy is going well, as well. There are a few ladies here who are with child 🙂 I pray you’re all doing wonderfully.

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2016

    Wake up Muslims? You’re darn tooten. It certainly woke me up big time in so many ways. I’ll be back shortly with more to say about it.

  • UmmMaryam

    November 9, 2016

    I hope this will wake up the Muslims around the world.  They needed something to make them pull up their socks. They’ve been sleeping too long!

  • Marah S

    November 9, 2016

    I feel so heartbroken over the outcome of this election. But I guess the president reflects the state of the people, and this has opened my eyes to how seriously deaf, dumb and blind Americans are. It takes a diseased and sick soul to vote for a person so evil. I almost feel ashamed to have been born here. But alhamdulillah it’s always reassuring to remember everything is the qadr of Allah and even if Donald Trump is the president of America, Allah has the final say in the end. 

  • Aisha

    November 9, 2016

    As Salaam Alaikum guys 

     

    just checking in to see how you’re all doing… praying you’re all well inshaAllah xxx 

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I don’t think you could address him about it. You can’t control him. You can make intentions regarding yourself. I don’t think people should make promises because they don’t know the future and what Allah has planned. They should only make intentions. If what they intended doesn’t work out, it didn’t please Allah for it to.

    Apparently what your husband does is all he has to give. Either you accept it or make your intention to get out of Dodge or wait and see if he changes for the better or divorce you..

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2016

    I could imagine he wouldn’t have much to say. He probably can’t believe himself that he won. What more could he say than: “Everything is a disaster and I can fix it. Crooked Hillary. Lock her up. The system is rigged.” It’s the extent of his vocabulary..

    Anyhow, Insha Allah, it’s about as much as I’ll know about him and anything associated with him and his family because I refuse to look at or listen to him. The whole election gave me a wakeup call to the mentality of the masses of America. It’s a dark day in America 🙂

  • Jasmina

    November 9, 2016

    So I have sat down and tried to understand what ticks me off and realise that it’s when my husband breaks his word. Like he says I’m almost home and so I hurry to get myself and child ready and my son gets excited to see his father and I layout table. Then 3 hours later and still not home and by that time my poor baby is tired of waiting up even though I put him to bed he still stays awake waiting for his dad until he falls asleep. Poor thing has panda eyes. It’s a huge disappointment. Then weekend he says I’ll take u out tomorrow and guess what he eats breakfast and leaves all day. I can’t plan my evenings or weekends. It’s the disappointment that hurts me day in and day out. I told him to just not promise anything if he won’t keep his word or to just say I’ll see u late at night and no weekends so I know but nope he continues to do it. Few times it’s okay but all the time for years. How can I address this with him? I’m going crazy, I feel so down subhanAllah.  

  • Jasmina

    November 9, 2016

    Yeah I can’t believe he was elected. Seems like something out of a movie. He didn’t have much to say, well nothing notable. 

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2016

    I’m with YOU! ?

  • UmmMaryam

    November 9, 2016

    Agreed Ana! Let’s wait and see how long it takes him to build that wall!!???. Stupid idiots!

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2016

    Dear Gail,

    He may have “won” the presidency, but believe me, he is no winner. It’s the beginning of the end of America. Watch and see 🙂

  • Gail

    November 9, 2016

    Ana,

     Give me a T Give me an R Give me a U Give me a M Give me a P!What does it spell? Gail was right!! lol I just had to tease u my sweet friend.

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2016

    UmmMaryam,

    YES, people are that stupid! It’s what’s called “the deaf, dumb, and the blind.”

  • UmmMaryam

    November 9, 2016

    @Mena

    Thank you for understanding where I am coming from.  You are 100% right when you say my intentions are good and that I want her to have a healthy support system.  Something like this does have great risk and I know Allah would not give me something I can’t handle. I do see all sides happening in this situation.  Maybe Allah would allow us to be in the small percentage that something like this could work, maybe not, but Allah is the protector.  I know it is not a joke, that’s why I am discussing something now that could happen next spring.  I need time to think and ask Allah for help.

    @Jasmina

    may Allah give you ease and comfort in your marriage, ameen

    @Saira

    you did not hurt my feelings, and thank you for your opinions.  Yes, Of course the ideal situation I would want to have everyone happy in the family and of course I would be jealous if my husband were to sleep with her, that is natural.  That is what my first post was about so long ago?, my original post was asking everyone how you deal with your husbands making love and being intimate with someone else. What do you to cope with that?  The images are so vivid in my mind, how do you get rid of those images?  Somehow it created this big conversation ?, but I don’t mind because all of you are giving me more things to think about.  May Allah reward you all? I am so glad I found this blog.  And by the way, amazing advice for Jasmina ️masha Allah

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2016

    I know. Tell me about it! When he wins, I’m turning the US news off. I don’t want to look at that @$$ hole’s face. Republicans always screw everything up and the Democrats have to come behind them and clean everything up. I’m okay with it; although it’s disturbing to me. It won’t very much effect me personally. Who it will effect only time will tell.

    UmmMaryam, you’re correct. It was predicted that the stock market would plummet, if Trump the rump wins, and we’d go into a recession. 🙁

  • UmmMaryam

    November 9, 2016

    What the heck is going on in the US!!!??? Are people that stupid? Stock markets are dropping already? 

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2016

    This phone writes what it wants lol. It had put “desires” where “deserves” was suppose to be.

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum, All

    Wow, this election is turning out to be a real shockeroo. Well, Sigh, it is what it is. We get the leadership that we deserve. I’ve calmed down. Alhumdulliah. Allah knows what is best for us. It’s all good. I’m trying to wrap my head around it sigh

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2016

    Okay, UmmMaryam, Insha Allah we’ll see you soon. Probably a lot of us are preoccupied right now with the election, anyhow 🙂

  • UmmMaryam

    November 8, 2016

    Salam everyone, sorry I was busy for the last day.  There have been so many posts since I wrote last so I will try to read through one by one, then answer.

    @Jasmina

    We are not trying to control anyone.  We haven’t even done anything.  This is just an idea that we have and Allah knows, our intentions are good.

    @Mena 

    I was actually the one that had originally suggested the idea, not my husband.  My sister in law has made comments about getting married again and I have noticed she is always looking at my husband.  Not in a lustful way, but in an innocent way. I do believe though she would think about it seriously if it was presented to her.

    @Maissa

    I don’t think my kids or her kids would be jealous because my husband already spends time with her kids separately sometimes when they are at their grandma’s house.  Also, yes, I have spoken to my husband about the intimacy part.  He said if it was allowed to put a condition on the marriage and she was in agreement with him to not have sexual relations and strictly it be a marriage for care of her and the children, he would do it if she agreed.  If not, he would need to be spending nights there.  Of course, it would be uncomfortable at first, but he said it would just be the physical act.  He said he cannot control his heart and he has always and will always be in love with me but of course would not tell her that.  If he did fall in love with her too, alhumdullilah.  I would turn to Allah for strength with dealing with that.

    @Jasmina

    for sure I know it would not be a walk in the park, and I would definitely need to turn to Allah

    @Saira

    No, my husband is not Pakistani. He was born in Africa but Yemeni decent.  He came to North America when he was just a child. I am Caucasian, born in North America.  My sister in law is from Bahrain.  Her ex is not in the picture, alcohol and drugs have taken over and we don’t see him coming out of this at all. If he does, he will be mentally unstable.  For sure, I know it wouldn’t be 100% butterflies and roses all the time.  I definitely would need to pray istikharah. Thank you for all your advice

    @ana

    that sex every night thing made me laugh as well.  I would probably be the same way?. I am not thinking I would be able to control my sis in law or my husband!?. I know they would have their own relationship, and Yes, I would want her to have that companionship that I have with my husband

    sisters….I need to take a break for a bit and I will come back and read the rest of the posts and respond insha Allah

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2016

    Excuse my French..

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2016

    I KNOW!!! I’m freaking out. WTF

  • najwa5

    November 8, 2016

    Do y’all see this race? Ridiculous how is Trump in the lead?

  • Saira

    November 8, 2016

    Sister jasmine 

    look after your self and if you put trust one people you will always get low and see how people scrumble you down 

    l know how depression is like 

    I have so many problems in my life but I alwsys make dua to Allah and ask for help and sabar

    i look my self and then co and trust me if you come and look our both situation you will say I am stupid but we all women have that 

    start loving your self and treat your self 

    pamper your self and go to your tube find best way to facial etc and do that 

    I bring my self togather by my self 

    I didn’t had family with me so I was in need to sympathy and hug but when I couldn’t find any then I contacted our creator and I do make my self busy and try to make my self look good not for the people for my own self

    i do hijab I don’t go out all dolled up but I try to do all facial body was and hair etc at home 

    started designing cloths and alway look for new designs in Google and your tube and try to learn 

    do read my prayers and do dikar when ever I can 

    I love watching my Pakistani dramas lol

    alwsys looking forward to watch new episodes and learn to cook new things don you tube 

    one lady called baji cooking she is so good I learn so much from her 

    instead of looking at clock I alway enjoy my time alone and relax 

    start looking at stuff how to treat your nails hair face and body etc am sure you will occupied your self.

    why wasting your young life thinking and crying why not get up and help your self give your self make over inside out

    that your hubby look forward to be vd you in your time 

    he knows deep down how to put you down and that’s his trick so you do bad and he have answer to give in judgment day 

    life is not about crying for man it’s much more to be great full too 

    in few years time am sure you will look back and think you being stupid wasted many years crying when u could have look after your self 

    I am even today when I love my hubby so much and he shows how much he love me 

    he knows if he leave me today I will get up and won’t cry and make my life without him 

    women should be strong in my opinion 

    I have seen time when I was teenage all alone and feeling scared I’n my rented home and getting threat from my X family that they will explode my home from letter box 

    I use to walk from work and keep my non working phone to my ears pretend am talking to my parents and someone is just few minutes away waiting for me 

    there will alway be a monster in our life’s but we need to find out how is monster some time when you look closely it may be you your self the monster .

    just start from fresh and make a note in your heart that if in year time your husband won’t treat you well then quit this miserable life 

    and start from fresh 

    make list and look at your self and give your self a time like few weeks 

    be nice to him not so nice that he start treating it like he will get away vd it 

    txt him when ever you can and tell him you missing him and send blessing to him and all 

    say nice things like to him 

    buy him nice shirts treat him normal not he didn’t reply you and give you the answer you thougt and get angry 

    same time don’t show him that you will die without him and don’t show him you jelous at all 

    show him that you care for him etc but never show your emotion depend on him 

    and stop one thing do not talk to any one bad about your husband not any one 

    share your true feeling with your sister and mother but not any one else

    except this group 

    when things get out of control just put prayer mat and and bow down to Allah and cry and ask for help 

    miracle will happend only if you ask for 

    May Allah make it easy for you ameen

  • Saira

    November 8, 2016

    Sister mena 

    I agree what you saying that sister ummmaryam wants to help her sister in law and have a big family and keep all kids togather 

    if she just think of this then she wouldn’t even bother to think and get jelous about her sister in law and husband making love togather 

    that proves she does put her feeling first and struggling to cope already 

    we don’t know what state her sister in law kids are 

    we don’t live in that world where women can’t raise kids alone and support her self 

    I am talking being second wife and being may be more favourable to ummmaryam well wisher here.

    her sister in law never had good marrige life and being divorce with kids does not mean she don’t have feelings 

    she will be Abel to live alone with ummmaryam rest of her life but she can’t live without having any sort of bond between her husband when they marry each other 

    when my husband told his all family about me that he got married second time every one was staying to my hubby that he done a good deed bla bla as if I would have been in street if he won’t marry me 

    but then when every one saw me in party like me being normal slim preety girl most of people had shock and they came up to me and ask that I could have done batter as in their mind second third or forth wife will have some problem that no one accepted her and only option left for that women to be 2,3,or4 wife

    moet of people thougt I might have some disability or I might be fat and ugly looking women 

    that’s concept it self is so wrong 

    if I were to choose wife for my husband I would surely think of ugliest and fates women that in need and my husband rescue her 

    because I don’t want any other women to have intimidate and good relationship with my husband 

    I can share his money but no time and his affection .

    its diffrent thing if my husband bring up idea and decided to marry someone 

    and that I would act differently won’t open my arms like ummmaryam and welcome another sister but try to take my time and swollow that 

    I see things from my point of view that big happy family play part until ummmaryam husband won’t take new wife to his bedroom and intimate soon they share nights ummmaryam will show bitterness to kids as well and all love will becom hate among them 

    so I think she should not encourage her husband at all 

    as for me being second am still his new wife and I expect every thing new for us and make him do for me 

    and it’s every women right to feel proper wife not some kind favour.

    hope I didn’t hurt any one feelings 

  • Jasmina

    November 8, 2016

    Saira

    may Allah reward you for your kind words. I really need it. Unfortunately because of my history with depression it sets in at times and takes me down a very deep hole that’s very hard to get out off.  Thank you for reminding me of Surat al Kahf.  It’s easy to say to let go and not think of it but after a year of it I got lonely I guess. All those things  maira2 mentioned about intimacy I don’t have with my husband. He is only that nice to me when the other one stays with her parents for a week which she does every two to three months. My husband becomes the man I met and shares his life with me at home. Otherwise he’s serious, critisises me and I know a lot of it is because he knows he is doing wrong so he tries put guilt on me. I try to ignore but marriage is meant for companionship and comfort, not for it to be a constant battle field.

    Anyhow we both agreed to be nice to each other and so shall see how it goes. InshaAllah I can get it together. 

    Thanks saira 

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2016

    I believe that she will win 🙂 Stronger Together

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2016

    Maissa, Wa Alaikum As Salaam! Welcome!

    I’m so happy you’ve joined us by commenting. It’s nice to hear you’ve been a silent reader and has now come forward to chat with us.

    I’m with you. I wouldn’t suggest any woman encourage her husband to take another wife making him polygamous, unless the man initiated it and wanted it. In fact, I think it’s best a wife butts out of it. The husband is the one who will have to live with the woman, be intimate with her, provide for her and do all that a husband and a wife does. It would be good if he makes his intention to marry a righteous, pious woman, which would help to minimize problems for all concerned. I agree that it is a rare case in which they all live happily as a family. I’m not saying it’s not doable. I just don’t know of it happening.

    @Saira,

    I second you about what you said to UmmMaryam. She thinks it’s a necessity for her and her husband to help out the wife as in rescue her, so it seems to me. You said Allah provides. I’m a firm believer of it. I mean it in the sense that the sister-in-law and her children will probably do just fine without UmmMaryam’s husband having to marry her.

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2016

    Sis Saira,

    Everything seems to be set up correctly with the notification. I hadn’t receive some notifications, as well. So, I don’t know what’s going on. Perhaps there a a glitch that will fix itself soon, Insha Allah. Thanks again!

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2016

    Sister Saira,

    I didn’t make any changes to the notification feature, but, Insha’Allah, I will look into it to see if anything happened on my end. Thank you for alerting me. Thank you

  • Saira

    November 8, 2016

    Yes sister Ana 

    surah kahf (the cave )

    the one who read will be saved by antichris and his evil things 

    I read so much detail about this Surah and there is reason it should be recited every Friday 

    no wounder sister Ana you have so much contantment in your thougts and hearts 

    I can go on and on and tell you the benefits of this Surah but one big part of this Surah being recited on Friday is peace at home when husband wife have calm relationship automatically life seems calm 

    another thing I was gone ask you 

    I use to get email alert when ever someone comment here but I no longer get that which is good lol 

    just wanted to ask if you made changes or my email is messing up

  • Mena

    November 8, 2016

    I disagree that ummmaryam wants  to control the sister in law. I think she genuinely wants to help, keep the children together and give the sister in law a healthy support system. Ultimately, I think ummmaryam wants a big happy family and  wants the sister in law to remain part of their lives. The other possibilities  (that she moves away or marrys someone else) mean that the sister in law will not be parts of ummmaryams life anymore. she is prepared to put her own feelings aside in an effort to keep everyone together. Its a very selfless, kind thing to do (intend to do). Its just from experience and as maissa said it very realy works out as one happy family. it ends up 2 unhappy familys and a man being pulled in every direction. its stressful for everyone involved and as a result children dont get the happy, loving environment they deserve. 

    Ummaryam.

    No matter what your intention what will happen is already known and planned by Allah. I hope whatever the out come Allah makes it easy for you all. I think you only have good intentions for you and the sister. But polygamy is no joke and you can end up regretting putting others before yourself. 

  • Saira

    November 8, 2016

    Sister Ana 

    i may sound mean but I do it to have peace in my mind and home and I never had intention I will do all this to put hubby more off from my co 

    i am simply doing to keep my marrige healthy and alive 

    where she sometime do things to tease me and hubby but I continue to ignore them all and I am so happy I mange so far almost 4 months ignoring all 

    I hear all gossips but I make my intention to think it’s all shaytan and its seems working 

    and it making me batter Person Alhamdulih where I don’t gossip like other Pakistani wife’s do lol

    i agree sister ummmaryam thinks she will play big happy family part where she will be incharge but she will end up sad 

    but Allah knows what future brings her.

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2016

    Saira,

    Surah kahf (The Cave) is one of my wali’s and my favorite surahs. He and I used to rehearse and study that one a lot. If I’m not mistaken, it is the one in which Allah speaks of giving comfort and ease. 🙂

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2016

    Saira,

    I agree with sooo much of your post. I don’t want to write the parts I agree with because I’d end up practically rewriting your entire post here lol.

    The part in which you said you gave your husband sex all the time, made me chuckle. It sounds about right. Some wives try to wear their husbands out so they have nothing left for the other wives LOL The wives end up tiring themselves out lol

    I too think UmmMaryam thinks she can control the sister-in-law and the husband if they were to marry. UmmMaryam would be in for a rude awakening because the husband and the sister-in-law’s marriage would take on a life of its own. UmmMaryam would find herself quite alone. The sister-in-law may become angry when UmmMaryam begins to meddle much. The sister-in-law will not want to be treated as a charity case. The sister-in-law may eventually become a strong woman who wants to be an equal wife and make decisions and be in charged of herself, her children and her husband as well

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2016

    Jasmine,

    Was that an Islamic lecture that you watched? I only ask because in the Quran it’s stated that patience is from Allah. It’s why we should ask Allah for patience.

  • Saira

    November 8, 2016

    Sister jasmine

    how are you doing now?

    can I ask you one question are you feeling low and angry toward your husband because your co gave birth 6 months ago ?

    and you want to have kids and your hubby not allowing you.

    you have every reason you be up set where one day you go out for movie and spend good time and next day all day hubby vanish and ignore you 

    if I am not mixing up with other post you said he didn’t txt you or you hear from him all day 

    I think you Bing rude towards him not only your fault it’s your hubbys mistake as well 

    my husband alway txt me and all but things were not like that 

    I wanted to have proper life like one day he would eat with me and in her night he come after work And spend some time with me like he does in my night go and see kids for few hours then come to mine 

    I was like you dress up cook and etc and he comes late and co alway try to feed him in my night and he is not hungry 

    there was fight every other day and he make up and life was hard for him too 

    but since I don’t speak to in laws things changed I fee like wife now 

    I cook in my night and he starting to realise things now and even co tryied hard to take advantage like in my off day vd hubby try to ask him she need favour vd kids taking them to somewhere etc or shopping or any thing 

    I did give him hard time but the point I stopped asking him and I start asking Allah 

    and now Alahamdulilh hubby do come here after work and if he has other plan to go out vd boys to have nights out etc he do ask me nicely and I love to give him peacefully time lol

    if he is having problem or need to do something on my day off he simply ask me he will be busy and all but he will try to make up and I am pleased to do that 

    he seen where he was wrong and he changed Allah made him relize and he is changed 

    he spend many days at mine and wanting to move completely but his family made him go back for sake of kids. And deep down I would be wrecker want that for him 

    am happy the way things are and can never ask Allah that hubby to be mine all 

    one thingi did change in me was I was reading about Surah kahf 

    someone told me reading this Surah is advice able every Friday before magrib time 

    i sue to do that but not so much with heart 

    then some one told Me if you make intention and read it every Friday By Allahs will you will have peace in your home 

    if I can’t read I listen Surah kahf every Friday and it bring so much peace in my heart and in my home and in my marrige 

    I would give you sisterly advice make your intention this way and read this Surah every Friday then see Allah will do you magic in your life and will get to hear good new from you sister inshAllah ?

  • Saira

    November 8, 2016

    Salam sister ummmaryam

    i am Saira a second wife I read your post but never had time to reply earlier 

    I have few question for you if you feel free and able to answer 

    if I am not wrong you are Alhamdulih revert sister I guess your hubby is pakisni am I right?

    you are eastern or European and I take it your soon to be sister co wife is Pakistani same as your husband ?

    and did your husband brought the idea of having your sister in law to be part of your family and your co wife? 

    From your post I can clearly see you are kind hearted women and always tried your best to be there for your sister in law 

    soon she Marry your husband it will automatically change and if you thinking by doing good to her when it comes the time she will be all open in front of you and won’t go near your husband and won’t try to attract him it is not the case and it won’t be the case 

    you will no longer be able to interfair between them you will not be able to control any thing 

    i take it you worry for kids but that’s not your problem you can help them as much you want without going in to polygamy 

    plus I don’t think it will be nice feeing for your sister in laws X husband.

    your sister in law might have diffrent idea of life them entering in to polygamy 

    did she know about this that you and your husband thinking in this way and does she know about your feeling?

    if she is homeless you cans provide her home. And help her but once she is your co you will for sure have hard time 

    is it the case your husband is painting picture in your mind that kids will grow up in diffrent area and the man your sister in law marry in future won’t be good 

    I don’t want to hurt you if I were you I would ask this question to my self does your husband have personal Intrest marrying his sister in law.

    i spoke to my husband about this like what would he do if his sister in law in this situation 

    he said he can never think to marry her even if she is the last women in the world and his brother died 

    he said he can’t think of touching her as he always seen her as a sister and it’s not his cup of tea.

    any way that’s my husband thinking 

    if I look at Islamci way I would not be able to answer you but polygamy is not must to do thing 

    as jasmine said its not walk in park thing 

    I am my self dealing with it every day is a trial and our lovely sister Ana alway put us sister in right direction to cope and help understand Allahs will.

    i am a second wife and before marrying my husband he lied for many things in order to marry me it was not his intention to hurt me but he did it because he simply had revert wife whom he don’t go along well and am Pakistani same as him and he consider mover over her in odd times lol

    i say odd time as polygamy is like roller coaster 

    but if I knew before marrying him that they still intimate even once a month I would have back off simply because it can’t think about that but Allah written for me and am his wife now 

    there is no way any one can proscribe your medicine that take this pain and jelousy away and you will think every second about them two having sex ?

    I was so frustrated when I found out and I left my husband it took him days to apologise and bring me back but then my jelousy started but when I got to know co and seen and I had less jelousy but still there 

    I decided cure my intimate thing by intimate with my husband almost every day??

    i try not to think about my co and husband intimate and when that thougt cross my mind I say to my self I am not in love with my husband and he can intimate as much as he can and I don’t care

    i think stupid things and try to make my self not to even bother my thougts with all that 

    I may sounded bit bitch but my hubby love skinny shape and all And my co is chubby and Turing more fat now and I feel happy inside I know it’s wrong to think but I am selfish and I did told my hubby this and he is like its good if I think like that and keep my body fit for him lol

    all these thing occupied my mind all the time and I think sometimes m being alone was way batter then having to go tru polygamy .

    there will be no time you say 100% you all happy in this marrige there will always be some issues.

    its all depend level of iman you have 

    I was reading so much Quran and all and start thinking If I found a needy women I will allow my hubby to marry that women 

    i found one in Pakistan and she was divorce with kids and very poor 

    I keep insisting my hubby to marry her to help and protect her and I know he only love me 

    he said it won’t be fair on that women as she is in Pakistan but I was keep insisting 

    my hubby never said any thing and joke about it ignore me 

    when I was telling him all talks about women in old time then he took me out for a day 

    and he then bring that topic and said then if he marry he will have to spend few months in Pakistan so he can Intimate with her

    i was shocked and he was saying all this

    and he said what if she fall pregnant and he have to be there for her 

    I cried my heart out and he smile and said this is reality since then I have not asked him about this lol

    but he made very clear point which I think  you need to consider 

    you having problem right now when nothing happend 

    think will you not give hard time to your husband and ask him when he intimidated with her and all 

    you might turn your sister in law life in to miserable where she will think she was way batter alone them marrying your husband 

    what if she fall pregnant will you cope with that ?

    i am sorry I wrote so much but I am putting my self in to your position and thing what if you were my co wife and your husband thinking to marry me 

    I would love t know what you think about your husband marrying me 

    as if I were your. Sister in law I would simply say no as this good deed won’t do a good to her 

    where she will get part time husband and inspectors over her head who will watch her and control her 

    I am sorry sister if I hurt you 

    but as a second wife I express my self as first wife think they own their husband and sometime they doing favour to second wife by being nice and all.

    think this way they both been married before but they will be new weeded couple and would love to have private intimate time and honey moon period 

    mandi if you happy and doing good deed then offer them soon after neekah to go for honey moon alone and you keep kids 

    this will be good deed as you mention your sister in law had bad marrige and she don’t know what it’s like to have good marrige 

    then sister think of her as your sister and choose for her what will you choose for your self 

    she is lacking healthy marrige not only male guardian she needed she needed warm hug from her husband who can tell her he will take care of her .

    Allah is the guardian for all of us and stop thinking you are the one to look after her and her kids

    do istkhara and if still things go ahead the be a real sister to her 

    sorry I wrote sooo much ?

  • Jasmina

    November 8, 2016

    Yeah she’s asking for trouble. Sometimes things are so great it’s hard to imagine life in strive. Then we ask for it and later regret it. Well I don’t know about others but that’s pretty much my life lol?

    Polygamy is no walk in the park, it’s hard work,!it really tests you. I just watched a short lecture that patience is a learnt skill and it has much to do with willpower. I’m looking forward to watching the next video. I need to learn that skill.

  • Maissa

    November 8, 2016

    Salam Alaykumae and have a nice day, normally i am silent reader, but i wanted to add something to UmmMaryam. Did u have first the idea that ur hubby could marry your sister in Law? Or was this something that u already had discussed with ur husband? Also the fears about the intimacy, did u talk about that with ur hubby? I question because, its possible that after u had talked with him, he could feel that something that was a taboo for him, is now more realistic and then the desires comes in the field. When u tell him it would hurt me the imagination u with her in bed, the same imagination could wake up his desires makes him excited to experience polygamy. Only the possibility he could have sex with another wife, who is nice and beautiful, its a heavy desire .

    Thats while i would firstly think alone about the posibillity of polygamy. I am not against polygamy but would never push my husband to do that. A good marriage is really valuable. U can only control ur actions, but u  have no influence how ur hubby would handle such a situation , further if ur sister in law could handle the situation. Its possible that she also cant handle this even if u can. U have children. Another thing to consider, it could lead to jealousy under the kids, if the real daddy takes half the time from the kids to be with the other family. Would ur kids understand? And when u both do  the decision, the kids could blame u too.  Or maybe u have the imagination that all live together? Or all kids goes with dad how they like? That could be stressful, when u have insteed of 3 than 6 children all together and so on. Would u feel guilty if the polyfamily not worked like expected because maybe u pushed ur hubby in this? Also a very important thing, ur hubby should be sure that he can afford 2 families. There are rare cases where all lives happy, and cowives are very close help each other, i read that yes, but its a risk and u cant expect it. Maybe there is something in ur heart what desires this test? I see the wisdom in this test and how helpful it is to put Allah first and ur husband on the right place in ur life. Its wonderful but a realy hard way to go. 

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2016

    Najwa5,

    As Mena said, if a wife stays focused (keeps her eyes on the prize Jannah/Paradise) she won’t care anymore about what time he gets there or leaves and things of that nature. She knows He’s where Allah has him and is doing what Allah has him doing. It’s not that she doesn’t love her husband anymore INFACT she and he may have a stronger love and marriage. Once she knows what life is about, believes it and lives it, she starts to get that comfort and ease that Allah promises the believer that He speaks of in the Quran. It’s beautiful!

  • Mena

    November 8, 2016

    Ummmaryam 

    Who was it that brought up the idea of polygamy. Did your husband suggest it to you?, and has the other sister shown intrest in getting married again or an intrest in your husband? 

    Najwa5

    Sorry im so late in responding to your ‘time’ issue. I think you’ve only been in polygamy a short while, right? when my husband first entered polygamy I was a stickler for time. If he wasnt back at the time he should be it basically ruined the whole night. and then when he would be due to leave after my nights id start again and say ” I notice how you dont want to be late for HER” of course it was all in my head, because I found out after that she was saying the same thing lol. Back them EVERYTHING was a huge issue, there was no ‘mole hills’ and only mountains. Slowly, things that used to cause me to explode got fewer and fewer. Sometimes I didnt even notice that I was caring less about time, money, how much he loved me, how much he loved her etc. It just seemed that I was a lot more focused on me, my deen and worshipping Allah, and simply didn’t have time to think about things I had no control over. Just thought id let you know that over time the mountains turn back into mole hills and most times you wasn’t aware there was a mole lol. Sometimes my husband has said sorry for being late, or not answering the phone or replying to a tx. I didnt even look at the time to know he was late, and I wasn’t thinking or winding my self up about why he didnt answer or reply. I just carry on with my day. I Know its hard to believe that one day you wont care, but really it happends in a lot of cases when the woman is focusing on the hereafter after and not on the ‘right now’. Just keep holding on to the rope of Allah and say maa shaa Allaah when you get upset. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • Jasmina

    November 8, 2016

    Is this something she wants? Or it’s just you and your husband making plans?

    it kind of would peeve me off. I wouldn’t take such a proposal. I’d rather be single mother. Reminds me or that chic from bold and beautiful. 

    I believe in polygamy and don’t discourage anyone from it if done for the right reasons. You two want her to control her moves and actions and have control of the kids, that’s not right reasons in my mind. If she is facing homelessness, is destitute, starvation, or for some reason it’s unlikely she could remarry then yes. But you said she is a good person and beautiful, why couldn’t she find a good single husband or polygamous one, that wasn’t the brother in law.  Why don’t you try to find her a good religious husband and if all else fails then propose the marriage to your husband as a last resort. She may not even agree

  • Jasmina

    November 8, 2016

    You never get over it, you just learn not to think about it. It takes time, maybe years. It will mean you cry, and hurt deeply. It’s very painful, so expect to feel miserable for a while until u learn to not think of it. And then comes the other things like the emotional aspect, perhaps he will fall madly in love with her over the months or years and then you will have to hurt with that as you will feel him distancing himself and for me that is the hardest of things to deal with more than the sex. I admit I never thought about the fluids and bacteria grose lol I hope I can get that thought out of my head. Thanks a lot ladies lol!

    so after the emotional pain, they may have children together, that hurts he may lean towards her more at times, that’s painful. 

    What worries me the most is that he doesn’t really want polygamy so he may end up being unfair to one of you. He may lean more towards you and she will hurt and you would have done her a great disservice when she could have found a good husband, it sure does sound like she deserves a good man. Or he may lean more towards her and then what are you going to do? 

    I don’t think you and ur husband are doing anyone any favours by marrying her. This girl is going to be so messed up after this omg allahualem will probably end up divorced from your hubby as well and that’s not a good look. But seriously who would want to marry their brother in law, or sister in law, it’s halal I know but since the brother is alive, that’s so grose in my mind. He may rehabilitate himself and then what. SubhanAllah. 

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2016

    Excuse me, you may know what it’s like to have a husband go between wives being that you were a co- wife when he was married to the wife that he divorced. But you don’t know what it would be like with the woman whom he is now married to because she’s never been in the United States

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2016

    Mari2,

    I mainly was saying that when and if your husband’s other arrives here he, Insha’Allah, will be going to your home being intimate sexually with you and then he will go to her home as well on a schedule probably to have sexual relations with her and living as husband and wife which includes more than just sex. Yes. As it stands now, he is with you, only with you as his wife. She’s in Pakistan. So you don’t know what the effect is to have a husband going to and from wives on a regular.

    I don’t know if your relationship and all that you shared with him will be lost or not. We don’t know if he and his mother with whom he lives right now will allow him to come and be with you. Do we? As it stands now you said that she and the other are pushing for him to divorce you.

    I was simply stating that there’s a difference between what you were talking about and what others here were talking about. Granted there’s more to a marriage than just having sexual intercourse and relations.

  • Mari2

    November 7, 2016

    Ana,

    And when that up close and personal relationship with his wife who may or not comes here happens…do you think all that M and I have been thru will just fade away?  Really?

  • UmmMaryam

    November 7, 2016

    Najwa, ameen to your dua and thank you for the complimenthttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • UmmMaryam

    November 7, 2016

    Sorry, I sent my previous post before I was done. I was going to say, and Ana, that’s what I want…to hear everyone’s experiences and thoughts concerning this matter, because you are right, we didn’t grow up with this being normal for us.  When you say we can stop thinking these thoughts if we get to the right place, that’s what I want to know.  How do you sisters stop thinking of all the graphic details and the images in your mind?  Wallahi we haven’t even done it and I have images of them in the heat of the moment etc.? it makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.  How do you get those feelings to go away?  How do you occupy your time at home when it is her night. And we only live 5 minutes from eachother so IT would be very close to home. 

     

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2016

    Another thing to consider is that in a polygamous marriage a wife might not open up and share as much with her husband about her thoughts and feelings out of concern that he may share them with his other wife. Most wives don’t want the others to know their business.

  • UmmMaryam

    November 7, 2016

    Mena, thank you, that was a very vivid picture of bacteria and bodily fluids.? lol.  And Ana, 

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2016

    Mari2,

    It’s a beautiful description of intimacy and I thank you for sharing it with us. I think most of us would agree with you about what you depicted as intimacy, and we have that with our husbands. I think what the ladies more so are speaking of is being in a polygamous marriage and dealing with having a husband who has sexual relations with another woman (a wife). It is huge and it’s not an easy thing to deal with based on how most of us were raised and how people around us live. Most don’t live polygamy.

    I don’t think you have fully experienced it because your husband’s other wife is in Pakistan and you are in the U.S. and for the time being you are acting as your husband’s only wife. The only time you had to deal with the thought of him and her having sex was when he went to Pakistan to wed her. How long was he there, a month at the most? Still, you were here and he was there – a long distance a way. It wasn’t up close and personal for you. Although, I’m sure you went through some type of thing internally about it. Fortunately, you have got him in check with being on the phone with her while he’s there with you at your home. Polygamy has a lot of challenges that are unique to a polygamous marriage. What you described relates to any type of marriage.

    Time will tell how it will be with you once and IF she ever gets here to the States.

  • Mari2

    November 7, 2016

    Intimacy is so much more than sex for me.  For me, intimacy is talking, sharing our day, texting salams when we are apart, laughing at our silly inside jokes, praying together, shopping together, worrying together, reading and discussing Quran together or our opinions of the weekly kutbah we heard at mosque.  Intimacy may be the two of us tackling the weeds in the yard with good humor or me offering to teach him how to clean a bathtub.

    M and I both have reasonably functioning libidos, but there are many times we are closest just being goofy and silly with no sex involved.  And when we dont see each other except for 2x per week, I enjoy the time we spend just lounging on the sofa, drinking chai and reading the news with each other.  I cherish the opportunity to pray with my husband more than I do having sex with him.  And dont get me wrong, the sex is good, but it really is but a fraction of a true intimate relationship.  For me, “intimacy” is far more cerebral than physical.

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2016

    And let me tell you, it could takes years to get to a good place of not being fazed by the husband and what he does. It doesn’t mean you won’t love your husband. You could still love him deeply, but you put the love for him in it proper perspective.

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2016

    najwa5, thank you for sharing with UmmMaryam,

    UmmMaryam,

    That shower/bathing part is funny reading it, but it’s happens and it’s serious. It’s difficult to get past the thought of a husband having sex with another woman; although the other woman is his wife. It doesn’t matter. We grew up in societies where that is not okay. If one thinks about them (the husband and his other) in the mix it is painful and nauseating.

    I will say that once a wife masters not thinking about it by controlling the thought waves of her mind, with the help and permission of Allah, she won’t think about it at all. It won’t cross her mind and even if it does, she doesn’t care anymore. She has no more pain in her heart about her being with him. If the thought does rear it’s ugly head, she’ll be able to quash it right away and it would be as though it never appeared. Nonetheless, the thoughts of the husband and his other being intimate is by far the worse part of dealing with a polygamous marriage in the early stages of it and until one gets to a right place with the battle with self and growth in faith.

  • Mena

    November 7, 2016

    Ummmaryam 

    I gave your comments more thought. Your concerns about intimacy  (not just sexual but emotional) in polygamy and your reasons for considering it are similar to my own journey from monogamy to polygamy. I know you’ve thought about the negative outcomes should the sister marry someone else or move away. Your main motivation is for the children to remain close to each other and treated well. Did you consider that if polygamy becomes part of your life the children may see less of each other and you will see less of each others children. Remeber wives share a mans time equally, you both, as wives will want to spend as much time as you can alone with your husband because, well, there only so many hours in a week and your only getting half anyway. Would you be ok with all the children being with the sister and your husband while your at home alone? or the other way round. What if she says she wants to be with your husband alone and all the children stay with you for the night. Can you handle being left out of ‘family time’?. They may go on outings together and not invite you and your children. From experience, these are some points you should consider. If all doesn’t go to plan with what you would like the situation to be like, would you still want polygamy? 

  • najwa5

    November 7, 2016

    UmmMaryam,

    I try not to think about it because thinkng about it is stressful and makes me angry. And a little on the yuck side. Like we are sharing bodily fluids. The hubby always showers when he comes to our house. I make him sometimes but he usually does it on his own. UmmMaryam you seem like a very nice person. May Allah reward you Ameen. But please don’t do it. Things will never be the same.

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2016

    UmmMaryam,

    Mena just gave you the skinny of it about the intimacy issue. It’s something you pretty much could expect to experience should she marry your husband. You’ll look at her and him in an entirely different light. You may end up wanting him to divorce her, the way that many women do. Don’t think that things are going to remain the same with you her and him if he marries her. Because I can tell you straight that it will not. It will change drastically.

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2016

    Wow, Mena, you really broke that down to UmmMaryam clearly. I had to take a break and have to go back and read the rest ofwhat you wrote. I’m still on your first post. Your post should be an eye-opener for her. You painted that picture vividly and it is not a pretty picture. Nonetheless it is really how it would be based on what we know from people who have experienced it.

  • UmmMaryam

    November 7, 2016

    ️️Jazak Allah khair Mena and Ana. 

    Ana, my attitude towards the children is simple.  My kids and her kids call eachother “brothers and sisters” even though they are cousins.  That’s how close they are.  The urgency is, we are worried if she were to marry someone else, (because even though she wants to focus on the kids, we can’t trust her family, they would force her. And better my husband than someone else I guess.) that man would pull the kids away from our family or not be a good influence for them islamically

    This is my first day on this blog, so I did not know you have info already here on the topic. So I will scroll through and take a look for the intimacy stuff.

  • Mena

    November 7, 2016

    Ummmaryam 

    I just submitted a comment and then read your latest comment. 

    Your main question is how you deal with the thoughts of them having sex. The simple answer is with great difficulty. It been years for me and honestly I could still vomit if I think about it. no thought is more disgusting and hurtful. oh, there’s so much to it, so many questions. Its one thought that lingers in your mind, when hes gone and when hes home. For me it wasn’t so much when he was gone but when he came back. Thinking of the bacteria and bodily fluids he was bringing back to me was/is a vile thought, that would make me go ewwwww out loud. Just to really bring it home, if they marry, when he comes home his smile will make you want to hit him in the face with a brick, no joke. It doesn’t matter what hes smiling about, all it means to me is you’ve just had sex with another woman and I want to kill you both. I still make him bath and boil wash his clothes. its disgusting. 

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2016

    Mena,

    Thanks for speaking up! 🙂 I’ll be back shortly to read what you wrote, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2016

    UmmMaryam,

    You make it sound as though those children are orphans and in foster care with nobody to care for them and you’re going to rescue them. You’re already in those children’s lives taking good care of them and helping their mother and them. So I don’t get where this urgency is for him to marry her.

    About how a woman handles the intimacy issue with being in a polygamous marriage, you’re asking us to sum up what has been on the blog, this particular version of it, for 2 years now. The intimacy issue is the most difficult one to deal with. It’s very painful to deal with. There is a lot to it that can’t be summed up in just a couple of posts. You have to read the blog to to get a better understanding of that issue. I’m sure there are posts/ threads/articles about the sexual intimacy if you look through the list of posts at the top of the page in the category section. If you have a specific question we’ll be more than happy to help. Inshallah maybe someone else will come forward and voice their views as well.

  • Mena

    November 7, 2016

    Ummmaryam

    I agree with all Ana said. And will add that as it stands now you amd your husband are working as a team to help the sister you are close with. when/if they marry you need to be ready to be cut almost completely out of that picture. it will then be your husbands responsibility to care for her, raise the children and deal her problems. you will slowly but surely edged out of her life. Firstly because one wifes business is none of the others business, this has to be the case because you are married to the same man. sharing certain details will only bring rivalry, envy, anger and bitterness. secondly because you will see a new side to her, one which only a husband and ‘the other woman’ will see from her, and that is possessiveness. 

    It will be very difficult for you to not feel that she should be grateful for the efforts you have shown, you may expect her to be and act a certain way because you was trying to help her. At the moment you feel bad that she hasn’t experienced a ‘good’ marriage but all that will disappear when her ‘good’ marriage is with your husband. your feelings can change in a milli second. you can literally go from fine to absolute rage in the blink of an eye. you stand to lose a close friend and half a husband. 

    You are risking an awful lot. If you have an issue with intimacy now, may God help you. That was the worst aspect for me and many women. That process is brutal. OMG nothing was worse than those thoughts, and to top it off your husband comes to you the very next night after getting it on with another woman. I have no idea why someone would chose to do that. sharing was ‘forced’ on me and its something I could never see myself ‘choosing’ 

    My sincere advice is to help her as much as you can without sharing your husband. 

    You sound like an absolutely wonderful, kind, caring person and from what you’ve said your heart is attached to doing right by the children. A lot of women have been in your position and have regretted sharing a husband to help someone else’s children. 

  • UmmMaryam

    November 7, 2016

    Thank you sister, you definitely gave me some things to think about.  I can see how the relationship would change with her.  I am struggling thinking…should I risk that for the well being of the children?? Omg, this is so confusing.

    On a side note…if let’s just say we were to go through with it and bring her into our family.  For those sisters that are on her and are in a poly marriage.  How do you handle the raw emotions of having your husband be intimate with his other wife?  We might not even go through with this, but if we do, the images I have in my head of them making love and being intimate are eating at me.  What do you all do to get past feelings like those especially when it is her night?

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2016

    UmmMaryam,

    It’s nice that you want her to have a nice husband as in your husband. As I said, a polygamous marriage has it’s challenges and it’s not easy initially. It can be very easy and good EVENTUALLY, but it usually takes a lot of time, effort and turning to Allah. It’s a lot of work. It takes patience, perseverance and prayer. So, if you want to take a shot at it, then make your intention and go for it.

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2016

    UmmMaryam,

    If you and your husband want her as part of your family and want to raise her children, then go for it. You sound to feel strongly about it. Based on that alone, take the challenge.

    You asked if I think it would place a strain on your relationship. I do. It’s inevitable. Probably the majority of polygamous marriage are stressful ones. Marriage is stressful, but a polygamous one is even more so because of the jealousy, envy and all the base emotions that are heightened when one is in it. You are already questioning how you’d handle him being intimate with her and the jealousy that you expect to feel. All of that is real. It will definitely change your friendship with her. Especially if he’s more inclined towards her because his relationship with her in an intimate way is fresh and new. She’s going to become invested in him as her husband and you won’t be priority in the situation. He will. Expect competition with her as well.

    About Allah asking you that question about why you didn’t step up, it’s not how it happens. Each of us will receive our book with ALL our deeds in it. Allah doesn’t need to ask questions like that. He knows everything. He won’t even look at the ones who are going to the Hell Fire. Those who will go to Jannah/Paradise will have a lenient reckoning. People have been taught erroneous information that Allah will be there talking with those who will be going to the Fire.

    Furthermore, there is nothing that says a man has to marry a particular person other than that the person should be chaste, virtuous and a single woman. Salat, fasting, giving in charity, performing Hajj, being kind and just to people, avoiding the most heinous sins etc. is what’s important. Your husband isn’t obligated to marry that woman. As I said, you and your husband could help the woman without him marrying her. Now, if it’s just something you two want to do, by all means, make your intention and maybe Allah will bring it to fruition.

    Allah does not give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear. We put the additional burden on ourselves. It sounds to me that you’re putting the additional burden on yourself, based on what you’ve said – that you’re struggling, for instance.

  • UmmMaryam

    November 7, 2016

    Also, do you think it is easier or harder for you husband to marry another wife who is a stranger or someone you are very close with?  I feel if it were to happen, I should feel happiness that she has a good man like my husband.  Am I right or wrong?

  • UmmMaryam

    November 7, 2016

    Jazak Allah khair sister for your advice.  I should have mentioned that my husband and his brother do not have a relationship at all, and they have not had a relationship for many years.  The alcohol addiction his brother has took away all good relationships he had with his family.  He is very bad now and does not even care about his kids.  He does not even know how old his kids are.  If we were to go through with this, he would not know.  He does not have contact with us or her anyways.  My husband and I do not feel comfortable with another man coming into the picture for the sole reason that they may oppress the kids because they are not his.  We don’t want the kids to suffer anymore.  Her kids are like our own, they call me Mama as well and call my husband Baba.  Do you really think this would put a strain on our relationship?  What do we say to Allah if he asks us why we did not step up and put our emotions aside?  I am not disagreeing with you, just trying to look at it from all angles.  If the kids somehow “get lost” in 10 years time, we do not want to feel any guilt.  I am truly struggling.  Is it selfish of me to feel the way I feel when it comes to the intimacy aspect and sex aspect?

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2016

    UmmMaryam,

    I could even see him marrying her, if his brother was dead, more so than just because she’s divoced. Think of the effect that it will have on the children. All of a sudden their uncle is banging their mother. Don’t you think it would cause a feud between your husband and his brother?

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2016

    UmmMaryam, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    First of all, I suggest that your husband not Marry his ex-sister-in-law. I can understand that you and he want the best for her. Why don’t you just try to find her a good husband? You could look after her, spend money on her and help with her children erc. without your husband having to be married to his brother’s ex-wife. Think about the relationship the Strain on the relationship it would have on his relationship with his brother. Think how hurtful that would be for him for his brother to marry his ex-wife. It will surely cause them to not be close any longer.

    Furthermore you could kiss your friendship with her goodbye. There is no way I can see that you and she will continue to be good friends after he marries her. For every action there is a reaction. Everything changes when the variables change. Your relationship with her as you knew it will no longer exist and may become non-existent.

    I can understand, as I said, you wanting to help her but your husband doesn’t need to marry her to do it. You could continue to be her friend and help provide financially for her and continue to look after her children without your husband having to marry her and have sex with her. It’s just how I view it. Why torture yourself like that when it’s not necessary?

  • UmmMaryam

    November 7, 2016

    Assalam wa alaykum Sisters. I was wondering if you would be so kind to help me with some questions that I have about polygamy. I have come across your blog while reading articles about the topic. Here is some of my background so you would be able to understand my situation…

    I am a 37yr old convert who has been a muslim for about 14 years alhumdullilah. I have been married to a wonderful husband for 13 years and we are very happy. We have children as well masha allah. All the years I have been married to my husband he has always said he only has love for one woman and that is me. I have always been a supporter of polygamy, but have always admitted that I wouldn’t be able to do it myself due to my jealousy. Here is our situation….I have a sister in law who has young children. She is about to divorce her husband because he is a drug and alcohol addict. (A muslim as well?). She has gone through hell for many years with him and never got the chance to experience a true marriage according to the proper Islamic values. She comes from a good family and is a very beautiful soul. She lives very close to me and we are very close and have been for a number of years. She is the sister my own sister never was for me. She is my best friend. My husband and I are extremely worried about the kidsgrowing up without a full time male father figure around to show and raise them with the proper deen. I forgot to mention that we even breastfed eachother’s kids. My husband and I are concerned that her family once they find out she is divorced (they do not know yet) would force her to move to Australia where they live or force her to get married to someone who we know nothing about and who could potentially harm the kids. My husband said over my dead body would I want another man coming in to raise my brother’s kids. His brother (her ex) is in no state to be a father to them.?. My husband and I were talking the other day about what we could do to help her raise these kids, essentially co-parent. I said, as much as it hurts me to say this (hurts me because I have never wanted to share my husband), you will need to ask her to marry you after her iddah to protect her and the kids. Now my questions….

    I love her from the bottom of my heart, and her kids are like my own. Even though my husband would not want to do this because he always just wanted me and I am on the fence, we feel it is our duty and responsibility to Allah to take her in as a second wife for my husband and a co-wife for me. Even though I know 150% this is the right thing to do, I can’t get over the fact that I would be sharing my husband with her, a true sister to me. She has looked at him like a brother for a number of years and vice versa, however I think she would accept this if I was the one to present it to her because my husband is such a good man, and the husband she never had, and then she would also feel she is not betraying me. I don’t know how to get over the thought of them being intimate and having sexual relations. I also can’t stop thinking about things like, will he get a “thrill” because this has been forbidden territory for a number of years. She has always been modest around him and lowered her gaze. I am having trouble with knowing they would be sharing intimate things, and he would touch her like he touches me. This is what I am struggling with.

    How do you handle these things when your husband are with your co-wives? Also, how did you fully come to the decision to have your husband marry again? Were you worried your relationships would change with your co-wives if you knew them before poly? How do you sit alone at night and think about them making love? How do you get over all these things? And how do you push your jealousy and emotions aside and truly be happy for them and wish them the best?

    I apologize sisters for all of this, but this was my way of finally finding and communicating with first wives in positive Polygamous relationships. Any help you can give me would be much appreciated. ️Jazak allahu khair

  • Jasmina

    November 7, 2016

    I guess when I’m doing something that brings me closer to Allah that includes prayer, Quran, dhikr, good deeds etc. I associate getting dressed up and cooking amazing meals etc for my husband because the days he is not here I do t do those things.

    And I’ll cook every night something great but he won’t eat or will eat alone as he comes late but most times he won’t eat at all.  Then me getting dressed up and he gets home and I’m half asleep as its so late and I’ll go take all make up off as he get to bed shortly after he comes home.  We sit and talk and I say little as he shuns my ideas or opinions and I avoid getting critisised as I talk back and get defensive.  Months of that and I get sick of it all which doesn’t help I guess but it affects my self esteem and confidence. I can’t explain it, we r in a rut ATM. Thanks for reading. I’m glad I can share.

  • Jasmina

    November 7, 2016

    Najwa 

    i know just how u feel. I have relapsed also 🙁

  • Jasmina

    November 7, 2016

    Gail

    we sorted that issue out last week so I hope it’s going to help out situation. For many years we planned to have children but yeah he suddenly doesn’t want and I do.  That’s a part of my resentment as well. It’s hard for me to know what to do sometimes because I know he does things based on the pressure he gets and I think well they will get over it and let him and I live in peace but it’s not happening. The co gave birth about 6 months ago. Furthermore I love my husband. I’m trying to fight for my marriage but I’m also ruining it.!

  • Jasmina

    November 7, 2016

    Ren

    thats very nice reminder, you put it in a very different way, thank you. I will keep this in mind. I’m always doing things I regret but Alhamdulillah my husband tries to have patience. I really do need to appreciate that from him. inshaAllah I hope I can do everything for Allah alone.

  • Jasmina

    November 7, 2016

    Mena

    yes a lot of my anger has come because of the lack of intimacy. I’ve got a much higher libido than him and so we are at odds. Anyhow he finally agreed to meet my needs there Alhamdulillah and I hope it will change things. 

    I hope I haven’t caused too much damage with my anger. I hope him and I can have a new start like Saira is doing. 

  • Jasmina

    November 7, 2016

    SairaThat’s so good your husband took you away on a break and is trying. Stick with him, I think he is very stressed lol. My husband is too but he can’t have empathy for others and so generally won’t try to do that sort of stuff. He changes when and if he wants to!

    @MenaThanks I appreciate your honesty in how you see things, I’ve much to reflect on. There’s a lot of resentment from the past because there was a time when I treated him like a prince no matter how bad he treated me. Basically I was so blinded that I never even noticed he treat me badly and so I was quick to apologise all the time. Hit me like a tonne of bricks when he left me homeless amongst other things he did for some other woman and since then my resentment is killing us and I’m not one to give of myself so easily anymore. Alhamdulillah with the blog I’ve let go of the depression and mental issues but I’ve still many issues to deal with and I’m trying, just not hard enough I guess. I know we have a new chapter and I need to let go of the past. We are in a bad pattern, if we could turn it around I to a positive endless circle of giving and kindness we should be okay.

  • Jasmina

    November 7, 2016

    Ana

    to your first response, yes I totally agree with you. I get to a good place and my husband senses I’m no longer paying too much attention to him and then he changes I think. It started because he started coming home very angry after returning from the other wife, then the constant critism and I was walking on eggshells until I was unknowingly doing shit to please him and then he was happy again and all was good but then he stopped coming early and away weekends and it’s all driving me so crazy. He knows how to break a person with his mean words and I started disrespecting him as I had enough. And now I’m again realising in sucked in again and will focus on Allah inshaAllah. He wants me and can’t stand the attention being taken away from him even though he is unable to be in two places at once. He is narcissistic and he is trying to change. 

    Im fine so long as my focus is on Allah. I’ve slipped 🙁

  • UmmMaryam

    November 7, 2016

    Hi there! I am a little confused about this site.  Is everyone here in a polygamous marriage?  If yes, I am looking for some advice, I am a first wife. My husband and I are deciding to take on a second wife and would like to ask some questions about my feelings as a first wife and the intimacy issues. 

  • anabellah

    November 6, 2016

    najwa5,

    Alhumdulliah! I’m happy to hear that you intend to buy the book. I’m sure the book will be helpful to you. You may become among those who have read it and said it was as though they were reading their own story. We women have A LOT in common 🙂

  • anabellah

    November 6, 2016

    Najwa5,

    Don’t get me wrong; I totally know what you are going through. I know what you feel. It’s real. once each episode is over, a wife sits back and feel bad about how she reacted.

    I think it’s something wives go through to move forward. It gets some women where they need to go. I see it as a process. You are not alone in what you have shared.

    I simply talk about what a wife needs to do to get to that place of comfort and ease that Allah promises the Believers. A wife can have so much joy in polygamy.

  • najwa5

    November 6, 2016

    Ana,

    Insha’Allah I will be purchasing your book from Barnes and Noble tomorrow.

     

  • najwa5

    November 6, 2016

    @ Ana,

    It’s just that I want my time, when it’s my turn lol. I’m not unhappy just a little bit pissed. At times I think I be overreacting because somethings aren’t that bad. Once I sit back , make dua and analyze things. Well I didn’t spaz on him. He’s sick I think I passed off whatever I had to him. I’ll pick NY battles. As long as I remember that Allah is in control, I will be good. Insha’Allah

     

  • anabellah

    November 6, 2016

    FYI All, I put a Trailer for “The Silent Tears of Polygamy” at the bottom of the page on polygamy 411

  • anabellah

    November 6, 2016

    I’ve come to realize that people either believe that Allah is in control or they believe that they and people are in control. It’s one or the other.

    It doesn’t matter how much we talk about Allah being the Doer of All things and the one who controls all things, there are women who think their husband’s and their co-wives share power and control with Allah.

    We hear over and over again on this blog, “I” want this and “I” want it that way; “I” want him here when “I” want him here. “I” want. “I” want. “I” want. Me, me, me, me, me…

    Well, it’s okay. Just expect to continue to be stuck and unhappy because he’s not going to do what you want, when you want it and how you want it all the time. When he doesn’t do it your way, you will be unhappy.  It’s the bottom line. You will have one miserable life the rest of your life on this planet. So, get used to it, if you continue to believe as you do.

  • Gail

    November 6, 2016

    Jasmine,

     I personally am shocked u r still with him esp if u guys are not doing the nasty.Is he still on that kick about not having anymore children.If I remember correctly wasn’t your cowife pregnant as well? Listen Ana and the other ladies are correct that if u r going to stay in your marriage then u have got to focus on Allah and not on your husbands negative behavior no matter how lousy he is understand.I personally don’t know why u r toughing it out with him when if I remember correctly u wanted more children.U to seem so unmatched.

  • Gail

    November 6, 2016

    Saira,

     It should be HOLE not Whole. spelling error

  • najwa5

    November 6, 2016

    Like I work all week, some time is of the essence. I hardly get it on the weekdays so weekends is where I figure we spend more time. Since I don’t have to be at work. 

  • Gail

    November 6, 2016

    Saira,

     U just remember the whole your cowife and inlaws were digging for you they have fallen in themselves.Your husband is going to have to man up and tell them straight he is not divorcing you.I can’t remember if u said your cowife is his cousin but that can make it tricky if she is but if she is not then u should be ok.

  • najwa5

    November 6, 2016

    Ana,

    I hear you. I don’t want him to dance to my beat. Just play fair that’s all I ask. We had a perfect day yesterday Masha’allah. But today not so perfect, I haven’t heard from him all day. How does he know that I don’t have any emergencies? I really dislike feeling ignored. It puts me in a state that I don’t like to be in. He knows this but I guess he likes the state that it puts me in. We just going to have a talk whenever he gets here. Which I hope is soon because I am losing my cool.

  • anabellah

    November 6, 2016

    najwa5,

    I feel you. Welcome to polygamy. The Rollercoaster ride is part of the journey, so are relapses. In time, eith continuous work on yourself, it’ll get better for you.

    As women, we have to learn and accept that we don’t own our husbands. Allah does. They’re not supposed to dance to our beat. Who knows better? We do or Allah?

  • najwa5

    November 6, 2016

    As soon as I move forward. Somehow I take a step back. I believe I’ve gotten so much better. But I’m relapsing. I accept polygamy. But dislike it at times when things don’t run smoothly. Right now I feel like things aren’t running smoothly.

  • najwa5

    November 6, 2016

    This rollercoaster is not fun. I think I become more annoyed with the hubby on the weekends. When I feel as he should be on at my house or on his way. I cherish the weekends because I am off from work and figure I can spend more time with him. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t. Getting really upset that he’s still not here. Maybe I’m being petty or overreacting. But I feel spaz coming on soon as he gets here Insha’Allah. I’ve been really cool but come on. 

     

  • Ren

    November 6, 2016

    Jasmine,

    I’ve read your posts and I truly feel the pain you are in. I know you want your husband to take notice and you’re feeling lonely, but you need to focus on who you do things for and why.  try changing your thoughts to focus on what God wants from you. Do everything for Him and it will not go unnoticed. Dress for Him, cook for Him, do your daily chores for Him as if he is going to walking through your door at any moment.  I’m not saying this will change your husband, but at least you will know if you are doing everthing in reverence you will receive blessings.  Trying to get back at your husband is not from you, but the ego, which most times is Satan whispering in our ear.  I keep the metaphor for ego in my mind “edging God out” because this is exactly what happens when we think we are bigger or better than we really are.  Maybe your husband has a big who, knows.  stay positive for yourself.  I don’t know if you read my posts earlier but I myself have had to go deeper into prayer and meditation than I’ve ever gone before just to keep from doing something I would regret later.  Stay positive?and don’t let a man defeat you.

    Blessings

    Ren

  • Mena

    November 6, 2016

    Jasmina

    Another reason why your husband may find it hard to show you love is because you dont have sex (you mentioned this before, as he doesn’t want to get you pregnant) it may sound crazy to womem but men really need to have sex  with a woman to feel a certain level of closeness to her. He may think you will ‘trick’ him into making a baby even if you said you’d  use contraceptives. maybe you could try using an obvious form of contraception to put him at ease. Let him know you want to spend some quality time in the bedroom and dint mention babies at all, just show him your using a contraceptive.  He may loosen up with you if he ‘gets some’. I always notice my husband is extra nice to me if I pull a few moves in the boudoir lol. He probably thinks hes acting to same but the hugs, kisses, flowers,chocolates and loving words come think and fast after a rump in the hay. 

  • Mena

    November 6, 2016

    jasmina 

    Im thinking the same as Ana. based on what you’ve said it seems you’re only good to your husband if he acts the way you want him to. You stop your  charity, speak to him badly, nag him, dont beautify yourself and expect him to “value” you and appreciate your skills. what is there for him to value and appreciate? what kind of man would make an effort for a woman who turns on him the minute she doesn’t get her own way? I think he may be doing the same with you. He knows its only a matter of time before you switch back to your old self, so what is the point in him trying. You and him need to maintain being good to each other for the reward from Allah to enjoy your marriage. 

    You said he “never” takes you out but then said he does albeit only a few times and hes moody. wouldn’t you be moody if you knew the person you made an effort with is ungrateful anyway, so makes no difference if he takes you out or not, or is moody or not. You still wont be good to him because there will only be another thing you expect and want from him and you try to get it by manipulating him. You’ve said before that you “reward” him for good behaviour as if he is a dog.  Would you make an effort for someone who treated you the same? would you want to sit home with someone like that? maybe you could try to keep some consistency in your actions and words towards him. Its easy if you are doing it for the reward from Allah, as we should be consistently trying to gain reward and seek forgiveness. 

     

  • Saira

    November 6, 2016

    JazakAllah sister Ana 

    i am just so sad that my in laws had so much hate for me and saying to hubby I am possibly doing magic on hubby it hurts me to think that 

    but they are talking behind my back and telling hubby and making doubt in his mind 

    I just make dua constantly that Allah show my hubby that I am not that type of person to magic or any thing 

    instead of talking to in laws about their attitude I am so lucky to have you all where I can talk and express my self 

    May Allah give you reward for this Ameen 

  • anabellah

    November 6, 2016

    Sister Saira,

    You’ve got the right attitude. Alhumdulliah! I’m happy to hear your husband is spending more time with you. Continue to try to block everyone else out and stay focused on Allah, as you’ve been doing. Don’t think about your husband possibly divorcing you.

  • Saira

    November 6, 2016

    Aslamu alakykum sister jasmine 

    I feel for you I know what you mean when you said you done trying 

    I am in same boat like you but my husband hurt me and he is the one try to make up with me so do things from square one for him.

    my co and in laws put huge pressure on him to leave me but he secretly meet with me and took me away for few days and we began our relationship again and he speak up for me in front of family and co since then I don’t speak to in laws or co things not alway great but batter then before 

    I follow sister Ana advice and trust my Allah alone and any thing I do for my husband in my mind I am doing it for Allahs sake 

    and Allah ask me to fulfuil my duty as a wife and am doing it to please Allah and trust me what that thougt Allah does put barakah in everything .

    now a days am very scared in heart it’s been few days hubby is staying at mine and he didn’t want to go and spend night vd co.

    he was on phone with his mother and she was so angry at me with out asking or knowing any thing from me .

    hubby then told me it’s been 3 months co is fighting with him and he said it must be because she thougt hubby will divorce me and it didn’t happend now she is giving him hard time and using kids as a weapon so he said he told her if she won’t change and accept me he will leave her 

    but my mother in law was talking and she said that I must be convincing him to stay at mine 

    then he said to his mother he want to have break and I don’t speak to any family then how can I speak and convince him for any thing 

    hubby then told me his sister is going to see his kids in other house and will see him there 

    he went there and and came back midnite and he was so annoyed what ever I was doing he was in mood so I sat with him he said he is just fed up his lil daugher wanted him to stay but he didn’t and co was still acting bad .

    i didn’t ask any thing else and just slept he got up he was fine but I feel so bad 

    he and co having issues and his family talking to him that both of us are u greatful etc 

    i told him it’s about co and you so plz tell your parents stop involving me and focus on the co and present situation 

    how hypocrate they are when if something they hear from me I am bad and co I good and if she is bad automatically it’s my fault and am bad 

    as long as am not in picture co and in laws are fine 

    again as Ana said every thing happend if Allah wills 

    clearly every one in family want to see me and hubby apart Allah knows what he wrote in my luck either way I won’t look down and shed tear 

    am still taking every day as a blessing and trying to please Allah 

    i was so up set I thougt to call my sister in law and tell her why they all talking like this about me but after fajar namaz Allah put in my heart that I should just stay calm and not to give any one any reason to speak any thing about me and let Allah deal with them

    if hubby decided to leave me in this huge pressure then only Allah wanted that to happend 

    all sister make dua for me 

  • anabellah

    November 6, 2016

    Jasmina,

    If you reread your post, you’ll see where the problem lies. All that you do is for your husband. It’s not for Allah (to seek His good pleasure). Deeds that you do are only good, if you do them solely to reap the rewards from no one except Allah.

    Don’t you remember me saying that when we turn to Allah’s creation, He turns His creation away from us?

    Life is not about your husband and you. Until you can make life about Allah, you’re going to have problems regardless of who you’re with. The same goes for your husband and everyone.

  • Jasmina

    November 6, 2016

    Allahualem but the other wife will always be in the picture, I don’t think he would ever leave her. He was raised in the west but he is as Pakistani as they get. I don’t expect him to leave her as u say, I have however expected him to try to balance it all out. I’ve been pretty good but recently I’m just not in that happy place. My iman is low. InshaAllah I can work on my deen. 

  • Jasmina

    November 6, 2016

    Yes you are right Ana. The biggest problem is that I’ve lost respect for my husband and I treat him badly and say nasty things to him. So he purposely doesn’t come home. I don’t even have the motivation to try anymore. He tells me that if I am nice he will do better. I don’t know how to pick myself up again and smile and do the whole good wife thing. I don’t want to cook for him, look nice, nothing.  The reason I reached this point was because I tried and got nItching and now I’m done trying.

  • anabellah

    November 6, 2016

    Jasmina,

    You proved a good point. You can’t leave until or unless it’s Allah’s will. You said you wished you had the strength to leave him.

    It doesn’t seem your husband will get rid of his other wife, which I know you don’t want, but as long as she’s in the picture with her family, it doesn’t appear that much will change.

  • Jasmina

    November 5, 2016

    Najwa 

    thats good Alhamdulillah it sounds like u have a very considerate husband. 

    I wish my husband was. He thinks that as long as he puts on a smile I should be grateful and not complain or ask anything of him.  I wish I had the strength to leave him, I resent him so much. His other wife and their families  has put so much pressure on him and she has won in breaking me. I’m so fed up.

  • najwa5

    November 5, 2016

    Thanks uhktis! He finally called, and came home. Shoot! We even went out to the movies. Alhamdulilah! But I did tell him that I was a little annoyed that he didn’t answer. He said he didn’t hear it. @ Ana thank you Insha’Allah I feel better soon. @ Gail no my co and I do not get along. If she had it her way, I would be out the pic. @ Jasmina I definitely understand. It’s hard for me too. BC I work during the week so I see the hubby at night. But then I’m usually tired and ready for bed. Then I’m up and out in the morning for work. When I return he’s already out.smh I just make dua.

  • Jasmina

    November 5, 2016

    Oh the only thing that does work temporarily is when I stop paying my portion of the bills. I hate doing it though as I do like contributing even if it’s not much and I feel Aweful.

  • Jasmina

    November 5, 2016

    Najwa

    Im in the same boat except it’s everyday and weekends. I’m so tired. I need companionship and so does my son. I’m really demotivated. I try to do things but there’s so much you can do. I’m a family person and his isn’t normal. My husband never takes me out except a few times a year and it’s always rushed and he’s moody. I’m over it. I’m fed up with him. 

    All I can say is when he gets home be nice and just say you were worried about him maybe something happened etc. maybe that shit will work in him. Not mine lol, I’m nice or a real biatch it makes no difference so I’m just neutral and numb now. I’m used to it but there are days when I wish he could be around. What’s worse is I’m enjoying my job where I get to meet new people including men and I often think of being married to someone else, something I wouldn’t do before and I fear I’m going to stop loving my husband. It’s just nice sending an email, text or making a call and being responded to immediately, or others showing initiative and actually thinking I’m awesome to be around that valuing me and my skills. With hubby it’s usually me just being reprimanded lol, I’m usually prepared and I’m just like ok hit me with it what have I done wrong today. And then there’s those days that feel great and I’m back to forgetting all the bad but those are rare. I hate marriage lol. Omg u hate it so much. I wish I never got married. Its never been worth it for me. I’m so pissed off sorry for the rant.

  • Gail

    November 5, 2016

    Ana,

     Yeah the cousin marriages r a complete different ballgame for sure.Your dealing with close family members and most people don’t realize when u have a cousin marriage all the children of the other cowife(the outside family cowife)her children r not only blood related to your cowifes children but also blood related to your cowife as well.In my case my biological son and excowife are second cousins and all her brothers and sisters are my biological son’s second cousins and their mother is my son’s biological great aunt.Then if u want to get really technical my children are also 3rd cousins as well as brother and sisters understand? lol U would think it would make for one big happy family but nope.

  • Gail

    November 5, 2016

    Spirited,

    I have soooo happy for u that u are getting remarried.U must fill us in on what kind of guy he is.I want details lol.

  • Gail

    November 5, 2016

    najwa5,

     I would say just take a chill pill and relax he will be around soon enough.I don’t about your polygamy relationship but I will say this it’s better u chill out it’s not worth getting anxiety over it.Do u get along with your cowife?

  • anabellah

    November 4, 2016

    najwa5,

    You said you’ve been sick. I pray you’ll feel better soon.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    November 4, 2016

    najwa5, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Maybe by time you read this, he’ll be there. I think just about every woman who is in or has been in a polygamous marriage knows exactly what you’re going through. One could probably say it’s to be expected. Women become possessive and want “her” husband there when she thinks he is supposed to be. Immediately Satan says that he’s with the other, which maybe he is or maybe he isn’t. If she was sure he was legitimately elsewhere, she wouldn’t care. It’s just the thought that he’s with the other that messes her up completely.

    You said that he called a few times, but you missed the call. I’m assuming he was calling to let you know that he’d be late.

    You asked if you’re overreacting. You’re doing what is customary for women to do in polygamous marriage. It’s a battle you’ll have to fight with yourself to overcome it or lessen it. In time, you may not care where he is and when he gets there. WHY? Because, you’ll know that where ever he is, Allah decreed him to be there. Allah is your husband’s master, you aren’t. If you don’t agree that Allah calls the shots and you think your husband does, you’ll continue to suffer. Life isn’t about us, what we want and our desires.

    A wife in a polygamous marriage has to battle with Satan because it’s Satan who whispers that he’s somewhere that you don’t want him to be and with someone whom you don’t want him to be with etc. With the help of Allah, eventually you’ll get to that point where you don’t stress out about something beyond your control and you’ll accept Allah decision, which will bring you peace.

    In conclusion, you have to stay focused on Allah, fight your lower naf (desires) and fight Satan. It’s your personal jihad. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not an easy battle to win either, but you can do it. It requires patience, perseverance and prayers. Even when it seems a woman has mastered overcoming her inclination to want to control her husband, she may fall asleep and find that she isn’t as far in making progress as she thought she was.

    If he’s not there yet, try your best to calm down. Zikr the names of Allah. Remember Him. Try to pull yourself together. Make your intention to do better next time. It’s all good. You’re going to be alright.

  • najwa5

    November 4, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum uhktis and hi to all, I hope everyone had a great day. Please make dua for me, I’ve been feeling sick for the past three days not sure what’s happening. Shukran in advance. I’m starting to get annoyed with my polygamy situation again. Just when I thought I was cool. The rollercoaster starts again. I just got in from work and the hubby is not here. I’m feeling some type of way BC it’s my night and I feel as though he should of been here by now. I’ve been calling and texting him but no response. He’s called me a few times but I was at work and missed the call. I’m trying to figure where he could be and all that I can come up with us my co house. In which, I think is inappropriate BC of the time. Am I overreacting, I’m ready to spaz on him. Some one give me advice please.

     

  • Spirited

    November 4, 2016

    Salaam, hello everyone.

    @Jasmina, thank you!  Not long to go now.  My father is attempting to take over everything.  He already hijacked the celebration lunch I had planned and turned it from a small private gathering of a few people at home to a full 100 people restaurant shindig…/sigh.  He wants to do all these “Pakistani tradition” things as if they’re a requirement and he can’t understand when I repeatedly tell him it’s too much and neither I nor the man I’m marrying want it — we’ve both had these things done before!  Ugh.   Well, at least there’s nothing he can interfere with in the court marriage, lol. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    @Ren, glad to hear you’re feeling better about your instinct.  I would have suggested reporting marriage fraud to ICE but I’m not sure they will do anything, especially after you aren’t legally married anymore.  They don’t seem to take action unless it’s terrorism related.  I had reported my (now) ex-husband, but I never got a call-back or an interview & as far as I know, they never interviewed him either.  There was a hiccup in his citizenship process but I don’t think that was ICE’s doing.  He’s still here living the good life now so I doubt anything happened.  House, expensive cars, etc., living the life he built off my back and support.  Oh well, as you know — God watches all.  People tend to wonder why bad people get good things in life.  My grandmother, may she rest in peace, once told me “God may be giving some of the bad folk more rope to hang themselves with, don’t pay attention to others and you hold onto doing the right thing for your own soul.”   https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    You could still give it a go if you wanted, there’s no monetary charge for reporting marriage fraud but it’s usually more useful for preventing residency/citizenship and it looks like your ex is beyond those steps because he went the army route.  Funny point about that — my ex-husband was looking into the army to save himself from being deported!  These snakes will do whatever they can, won’t they?  Anyways, I’m glad you’re taking steps for yourself and I hope you will also warn any other women you hear of who are interested in a foreigner who isn’t a citizen.  I always do now https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif

    catch you guys later~!

  • anabellah

    November 4, 2016

    Gail,

    I didn’t even think about it until you mentioned it that Ren’s marriage if she did an Islamic one wouldn’t be recognized based on Christianity. So she’s between a rock and a hard place. The marriage probably wouldn’t be recognized islamically or on the Christian level.

    Anyhow, apparently it didn’t matter to her husband that she wasn’t married islamically to him. It’s all very strange and convoluted.

    And you totally confused me about the aunt and second cousin and stepmother and all of that. It was giving me a headache trying to figure it out. I’m going to leave that alone LOL it was really hurting my brain

  • Gail

    November 4, 2016

    Ren,

      Also I forgot to mention to u that even though u are open to polygamy  by nooooo means does that mean that the other wife is open to it.I can speak for myself only but when I was in a Polygamous marriage my excowife and I were having this internal war with each other(her more than me) because she wanted me and my son out of the picture for good.

     Listen u need to try to find out if this women is his cousin and if this is going to be a cousin marriage.I say this because if it is then u are going to have a difficult time ahead of u esp… emotionally.For example if she is your husbands  first cousin then you know that means she is your sons second cousin not to mention step mother.You may not have thought that far in advance but it is important because it also means her mother or father is your sons Great Aunt or Great Uncle.Why I am mentioning this is because of the emotional impact it can have on your son.U must understand her and her family more than likely will not accept your son esp… when she will get pregnant and have her own children.I had this happen in my case so that is why I bring it up so if she is his cousin u will be aware of all the dirty dealings.Try to find out if she is his cousin because u need and have a right to know for your son’s sake.

  • Gail

    November 4, 2016

    Ana,

      Oh I know u were telling Ren to test him by asking for Islamic marriage but I just wanted to point out to Ren that she is Christian and as u and I both know it would still be adultery.I figured he would not go through with it like u did sense he made the choice to divorce her.

     REN,

     Listen one more thing I don’t think was brought up but u should understand is that there is a high probability that him and this girl have been engaged for years if not since childhood.

      Listen if u don’t already have one put a password on all your bank accounts for safety and secondly the money that is in the joint account take it and put it into your secured password account.Do not show  him one once of mercy girl.U will need that money for u and your son to start a new life not to mention he owes u at least 3,000 dollars sense he obviously gave his fiance you and your son’s money.If u don’t take the money he will just use it on her and himself.I am being serious here take every last dime and leave the number to the food bank on the table if u feel guilty.

     Hang in there Ren G.D will take good care of u and your son.Ana brought up about sexual relations and him seeing u undressed etc… cut him off sexually and don’t let him view u naked anymore as it is not proper now.

     

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2016

    Ren,

    Nothing good comes from something that is wrong or evil. God doesn’t reward evil with good. God is a Just God. So, don’t think your ex-husband is getting away with anything wrong that he’s doing or has done or will do.

    Everything happens for a reason. It could be that this is a good thing for you for you to move on with your son and start a new life. I am sure without a doubt that if you continue to live with him as husband and wife without being married, thing will be all down hill for you. Your life will be a living hell on earth. You could take that to bank…

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2016

    Ren,

    I think you’ve called it right. All that you suspected is probably correct. You shouldN’T overlook his lying and the betrayal. There is nothing in it for you to do that. I don’t see any benefit in it for you. I think you’d be degraded and demeaned if you stay with him. Continuing to remain with him will probably take you through the ringer emotionally, physically and psychologically. Furthermore, how would you explain the chaos to your son when he starts getting old enough to understand?

    In your situation, I definitely think you should kiss his @$$ goodbye and keep it moving.

  • Ren

    November 3, 2016

    Hi Ana,

    I know it seems I rolled over and gave him what he wanted. I believe he said we were apart for 18 months, but again there is proof we were not. I’m sure the lawyer suspected what was up because he wasn’t that nice which I’m glad of that. if I had known this had been going on I would not have signed so easily .  I guess I still wanted to believe the lies and I just felt a sense things would be worse for me if I didnt. I don’t feel anything in life is free, so I don’t think he’s getting off as easy as he thinks. I believe something will happen, I don’t know what, but something will definitely take a wrong turn for him.

  • Ren

    November 3, 2016

    Amen to that  yes I hope he sees life when I’m gone isn’t as grand as what he would like to think.  I have supported the house plenty when he was in between work.  I know his pattern. when he thinks he’s making money, that’s when he acts as if I don’t matter that much and he can live without me without me hounding hom all the time about this, as if I created the problem and he says he doesn’t have to support me, just give a child support. so yes me working definitely takes any burden off of him if he ever had any intention of truly supporting me. all accounts are separated, but I am on HIS account so I could take money any time if I were that kind of person.

    I would love to live a happy polygamous life if it was all based on truth. I see the benefits and beauty but he’s made it ugly with the lies and “not wanting to hurt me”?. that’s why I chose to post, you get advice on if I should keep trying and try to put the lies behind or if what I felt was valid. I think so far my feelings of doubt and betrayal have been validated. 

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2016

    That was the wrong emoticon. It should have been https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif I removed the other one in the last post.

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2016

    Ren,

    Don’t feel compelled to answer. I’m wondering what grounds did he give for the divorce in the documents, for instance, was it something like “Irreconcilable Differences”. Usually it’s something like: adultery, you were estranged, hadn’t live together for 18 months, abandonment, mental cruelty, physical abuse etc.

    You said that you didn’t want to be shame or divorce because of your faith, but remaining silent – wasn’t that similar to being supportive of what he was doing? You didn’t go to court and say, for instance, no, he’s lying. He wants the divorce to bring another woman to the country legally. Wouldn’t that be standing up for right and your faith and not being shamed?

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2016

    Ren,

    You know him better than we do. You said you’ve helped him a lot. Does it mean financially as well? Maybe he sees dollar signs and how it would benefit him and his wife to keep you in his life to enhance their lifestyle. You’d know better than I would.

    I suggest you secure your assets. If you have a joint bank account for instance, separate your money from his. You’d be better off spending your time in trying to take your son and move away from him. As you said, the last thing you need is for him to follow you where you go with her in tow, and hinder your chance to establish your self in a new life. The best thing you could do is leave him and let him see how life is without you.

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2016

    Ren,

    In polygamous marriages, it’s quite common for the husbands to try to convince their wives to get along. They want the wives to be friends. It makes sense because it makes life much easier for him and his wives. There is less conflict. A husband and a wife should live together in peace and tranquility with love between them. So, it’s a beautiful thing to aspire to. However, what we’ve seen is that most wives and the husband are not on the same page. It’s the husband who wanted to live a polygamous life. Usually the wives don’t want it. They go along with it for their own reasons and there are many.

    In your case it’s a bit different. you aren’t married to him and as I said that is huge. We would venture to assume that he wants her and you to communicate so that she will accept him still being with you while married to her. It sounds to me that he wants to continue a relationship with you (in a sense you’d be his mistress/(excuse me) but ho (whore) on the side because that being married in his heart stuff that he’s talking just doesn’t cut it. It doesn’t fly. It’s insulting, to say the least.

  • Ren

    November 3, 2016

    Can someone please tell me why he asked me to start talking to her when I found out about this? This is still what I can’t figure out.

  • Ren

    November 3, 2016

    Hi Ana, I agree, he has not impressed me as a good Muslim or human for that matter. This whole thing transcends  religion and just speaks to the complete lack of empathy that some people have. I am thanking God I found all of you. I’ll be glad when I put one day this is all over and done and he didn’t follow me when I moved away.

    I do want to share this .  I mentioned in my earlier post he had such a bad time at work. well, I don’t want to say it was me, but before he left for work I was praying and meditating and suddenly “vengeance is mine saith the Lord” repeated in my mind 3 times.  I felt like God was literally speaking to me. I immediately prayed and said Father, I put all the vengeance for justice in your hands, it belongs to you.” I will keep this prayer in my heart and be confident He will guide me to where I need to go and what the next move is.

    Many Blessings,

    Ren?

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2016

    Ren,

    I hear you. Never again get mixed up with someone like him. Sadly there are some people who call themselves Muslims, I stress “call themselves Muslims” and are of the belief that they can do whatever they want to non-Muslims or in the case of it being about Nationalism, mistreat someone or take advantage of someone who is not of their nationality. It is not Islam. We are to be kind and just to everyone unless the person is trying to fight us for our faith.

    It’s totally wrong for a person to take advantage, lie and deal in trickery for self advancement. It’s a repulsive thing to do. They don’t get away with it. We all account for the wrong that we do.

  • Ren

    November 3, 2016

    Thank you sister Saira, for your words and advice. you did not hurt my feelings, after all, the truth does hurt at times, right?  I asked from the beginning how his parents really feel, way before we were married, of course he glittered everything up in a package of how they all feel about me.  I knew typical Muslim Indians had no use for their sons marrying outside of an Indian Muslim girl, but of course his parents were “different” according to  him.  I am moving on.  yes he’s still trying to sweet talk me, I’m his real love, he can’t leave me, but for me the words are getting more empty each day. it has been hard I won’t lie, you think it’s all good and then the rug gets pulled right out from under you.

    I have full custody rights of my son and the papers state he will pay child support.  I think he likes me to think I can’t make it without him but I made it for the first 30 years of my life and I’m sure the next 30 will be even better. I’m working on my teaching degree so I’ll be just fine financially.  this  has been a huge lesson. we did not meet on some singles website, we worked together and we’re both in management, and I actually took trips to India to see his family and parents and had what I thought was a premarital celebration, so I naturally thought it was sincere.  but lesson learned☺ never again.

     

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2016

    Sis Saira,

    Great advice to Renhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2016

    Ren,

    Sister Saira touched on some very good points. You are in a very complicated situation. Gail, Mari2 and Saira gave you some very good advice. I think the best thing that you could do is leave him and do it now and not wait till his other wife arrives. As I stated before you want to leave at least having your dignity. You want to go with self respect. Right now, it appears he is simply holding onto you for convenience.

    I know you love him and it’s all overwhelming for you right now. I suggest you sit down and try to figure out what you want, what you are trying to do and if it’s doable.

    As I stated before, you have a huge problem in that you are not married to him right now, but I assume you two are living together as husband and wife.

    I don’t see an easy solution for you. It’s not a matter of him, you and her living together in a polygamous relationship. As you know, their culture is not accepting of polygamy. All his energy and attention is being directed to his other wife. She is his priority. I agree with Gail that had he truly loved you he would not have divorced you to make her legal.

    I think you’re a little late in the game in that you sat by and passively let him divorce you – you said due to shame and your faith, you didn’t go to court. So, it sounds he won by default, since you didn’t attend. You didn’t fight him on it. But, now you want to.

    If you’re going to try to keep her out of the country (the US) I’m assuming that you have made your intention to leave him. I don’t expect that you truly believe that he would stay with you once you’ve taken that serious action against him by trying to keep her out of the US.

    On the other hand, you have a problem in that you are a Christian. I suggested you call his bluf (meaning feel him out) to see if he would be willing to marry you in an Islamic ceremony. You said he, in a sense is now hemming and hawing about it. If he truly wanted to marry you in an Islamic ceremony, you wouldn’t have to find a contract. You’d simply go to the masjid during prayer time and get married with the people there as witnesses. It’s that simply. He’d give you a dowry and you and he write your own contract. I suggested that you test him only to find out how sincere he is about his claim of being “married to you in his heart”, which I feel as Gail does that it’s Bull sh!t.

    If he were sincere, which I doubt, you would then need to determined what to do. As you know, it’s problematic because you are Christian. You would need to become Muslim and take the Shahadah (oath). I don’t think it’s good for anyone to take the Shahadah just to get married. It’s a serious wrong to do so. You would need to truly believe in the religion to do that.

    So, where does it leave you? You are Christian and he is Muslim. You’re living with him as husband and wife without being married – serious offense if you’re intimate with him or he’s even seeing you in a state of undress etc. He’s trying to get his other woman here and you could expect to be tossed out once she gets here.

    I think the best thing to do is make your intention to leave this man and take all your documents to the Immigration and Naturalization in an effort to keep her from coming to the US. You may not have a good chance in doing so, because you are no longer married to him. God knows best. Your chances we’re better when you were married and going through the divorce.

    Since you are concerned that your ex-husband may try to take your child out of the country, I have put a link here for you to take action now to prevent that from happening, God willing: https://travel.state.gov/content/childabduction/en/preventing/passport-issuance-alert-program.html

  • Saira

    November 3, 2016

    Sister Ren I just read your last post 

    seems like he is still with you 

    and going to embassy and complaing won’t harm you if you choose to hide you can go there and tell them that you don’t want to show to him that you complained then they won’t tell him 

    they will do their own checks and won’t mention your identity 

    one of my cousin did this for her husband it’s diffrent law but I am sure if you tell authorities they will keep you anonymous 

    further more he is relying on you for help 

    once his wife comes he won’t bother you 

    if you go to Sunni mosque and ask them am sure you can marry in few days time and make sure you get all your neekah documents 

    but this marrige had no legal value and many mosque don’t do that 

    its been banned in uk and people do it at home I mean doing neekah is not hard job 

    you can or he can bring his few friends and imam at home and you can get neekah done .

    i would not encourage you to go that route 

    he lied to you and Cheted you and he will keep doing that 

    once you done neekah he will play with you and he will get away with this and always day you his wife bla bla 

    God make easy for you sister amen 

  • Saira

    November 3, 2016

    Hello ladies 

    welcome sister Ren I am sorry about your situation and happy every one here trying to help you and give you advice .

    i agree with all ladies specially sister Gail and Ana 

    your x husband did his home work way before marrying you and am not sure if you know this but many people from India tent to join army in USA to get their documents straight and faster to get their life settle in USA 

    being muslim if he joint army where he could be going in Syria and all other Islamic. Country to attack other Muslim then I don’t think he has any humen feelings towards you or your son 

    I had friend few years ago and she was from India she told me many students in India. Tent to joint army in uk and USA for documents purpose plus they get huge benefits in future by doing that 

    they had full badge from uni and all went to join army 

    your husband  played safe vd you

    you could have stopped him by divorcing you he still could do it but you would have batter chance as you could make his life lol hard and he would agree to pay child benifits and many other things to you 

    but you let him ruin your life calmly 

    if I were you I would go to USA ambassy and explain what has happened to you 

    and explain them he is threatening  you to take child in diffrent country 

    further more if he is nasty with you and physcial abouse you then it will make more hard for him to bring his wife to USA 

    and futture more authorities will make sure he bond to pay child expense to you 

    you can do your home work take all evidence like letter etc showing he still lives with you and that he is saying he will still be with me as his wife 

    they will sure take some action and help you 

    I know deep down you not doing any thing like that just as you think he might levve you completely 

    you only have two choice left 

    get up and try to get your child rights from him and try to show him that you not easy to destroy 

    he is playing nice game only until over wife comes as he don’t want you to do any thing against him 

    more you sit silent nothing gone happend 

    and I disagree you to have Islamic marrige at all 

    if you Christin at heart how can you do that 

    it would have been diffrent thing if your X husband asked you to do this 

    he had no intention and he was not loyal to you from beginning 

    what kind of Muslim he is he marrige you and divorce you still claiming he is your husband I don’t see any Islamic or Christian    Thing in it 

    stop worrying what your son will think about you 

    you not living in Africa or any Pakistani village where your life will be difficult with young child 

    keep all documents and fight hard for your child right 

    and if you want your child father to be in his life then you should be strong and make him relize you not wash person but if you sit at home and cry for your love you will loose every thing 

    at this time you should think about your child not about your X husband any more 

    he used you badly and he will continually use you  and you son in future as well if you don’t speak for your self .

    go to ambassy and ago to authorities or sit silent and forgive him 

     won’t say to you that move on its not easy for you now as you loved that idiot who don’t descent you but same time you in denial you are single now and ruining after shadow 

    there is not a thing polygamy in your case 

    his parents never consider you daugher in law in their eyes you were non Muslim women and now their son is marrige with Muslim girl and marrige in their eyes 

    She won’t let him share you neither his partners or him 

    if he still playes vd you and show up in your door once a week it will only be pleasing his fantasy nothing else 

    I hear all these stories in my community all the time and feel more angry toward poor white women’s 

    i don’t know how people call them self Muslim and do so unhumen behaviour towards people like you .

    i am so sorry if I made u up set but seems like someone need to shake you and tell u to stand up do your self and stop letting him play with you.

    i will b happy to see you sister to settle down have a good job and one day u will find someone who will love you the way women deserve but plz try to find in your race don’t go after any more Muslim pakisni /Indian lol??

     

  • Ren

    November 3, 2016

    Hi everyone,

    We’ll I started gathering my documentation together for myself in case I ever need to prove anything legally. I was able to get into an email account where he gets money gram messages sent and he sent almost  $3000 to her before he ever said he had to divorce me to do this. I am still trying to find a way to get back into his personal account. luckily I have every email he ever sent me, you know those “loving” emails, so of course that proves I thought things were normal and I thought my husband loved me.

    I did email an outline for an Islamic contract for us to present to the Imam here  at first he said oh yes he would do it if that would make me feel better. I said, calmly and sweetly? that I wanted some sort of protection and not just words since he chose to take away my legal rights and give them to someone else. but, alas, this morning I broached the subject again and said let’s get this done, I’ll call the Imam myself and he said “I read over what you sent, that’s a Shia contract and I’m Sunni” I came back and said well I will find an outline for a Sunni contract then. he basically tried glossing it over, as we all expected.

    Also, my earlier post about being anonymous to USCIS was not for his or her anonymity but for mine. I would gladly give all of his info, I just don’t want my name brought into just in case there was nothing to be done

    Also, I announced that I am getting out of the town of live in asap after the first of the year and he said he would go there too! WTF I told him I would be leaving to get away from the situation not for him to follow me there with her. I am praying his whole plan falls apart .  on a good note at least for me, he cane home after having a bad night at work and almost got fired I am sure. I played the sympathetic part but secretly I thought it was ironic and funny.

    Anyway, I will press on and keep trying to figure out how to hack his email hahaha just to stay a step ahead.

    Thanks again for all the support. this is the first time in months I haven’t felt alone or completely crazy and wondering if I should continue to trust him.

  • Jasmina

    November 3, 2016

    Congratulations spirited!!!

    great news. 

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2016

    I’m surprised that she is still trying to protect him after all that she’s been through with him. Instead of going to the authorities to talk to them about what happened to see if there is some remedy to the situation, she’d rather do it anonymously. I say contact those people; go and sit down with them and discuss the situation and see what they say.

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2016

    Gail, I agree with you that Ren’s husband probably has no intention of marrying her islamically and no desire to do so. The best that she will probably get from him is that he will do it later and it will never happen. She shouldn’t go for the excuse that they could do it just between the two of them either. She would have to say, let’s do it now, at the masjid, the proper way with witnesses. I’m not saying it’s something that she should actually follow through with. It’s just a test to see if he is sincere or not. The best thing would be to get married to him again legally. But that is some huge wishful thinking.

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2016

    As difficult as it may be, I think Ren should cut her losses and get a fresh start with someone else oppose to going through the heartache and heartbreak that would be in store for her in dealing with her now ex-husband and that other woman.

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2016

    Gail,

    Thank God you didn’t get rid of your legal marriage license, so that your now ex-co could come here. I’d tell any woman not to do it in a heartbeat. As I said before, I wouldn’t give my marriage license up for all the tea in China. I see a marriage license as being leverage. In Ren’s situation, even if she were to have an Islamic marriage, the legal wife will be the one who will have the upper hand. She’s the one who will be seen as the actual wife by society and will get all the worldly benefits.

  • Gail

    November 3, 2016

    Ana,

     Ren situation has brought out such rage in me.I think for the first time I see that there would have really been no way that I would have been willing to bring my excowife here to USA as my husbands legal wife when they knowingly lied to me.Wow it is a huge light bulb that just went off.I hope Ren don’t let those foreigners walk on her.I think Trump has talked so much about Immigration that it finally hit me as to where my rage came from that time and why part of me still struggles with rage when I think what could have happened.WOW is all I can say!

     

  • Gail

    November 3, 2016

    Ren,

     U can ask him for an Islamic Marriage but I doubt he has any interest in doing that because he had all this planned out.Stop and think for a second If he was a such a good muslim don’t u think he would have told u this himself because believe me he already knew he could do Islamic marriage with u and what is this nonsense he is married to u in his heart garbage? I will take my marriage license any day over trash talk.If he loved u he would not have planned ahead and lied and tricked u for a year.My sincere guess is that him and this girl and both families had all this planned out and catfished u so they could get on the fast tract to USA.Listen don’t feel as if your all alone my story is way more horrible than yours.Ana is right though if u need to hear him tell u no or make an excuse like he will  do an Islamic marriage with u after he gets married with the other girl then u will get the point but I will be honest with u I would have got the point loud and clear the day he divorced u and caused u mental anguish knowing u are a divorced women and your son now comes from a broken home.Listen u gotta understand these Pakistani/India men they plan all this way in  advance and they think of women as their property.Also understand they mentally torture their wives to get what they want arghhhh.

       Now in saying all this If u didn’t want to leave him I would DEMANDDDDD to him he remarry u ASAP and do an Islamic marriage with her and tell him if he dare to refuse u then u are going to make him wished he had listened to you.I will be honest u should not have dared let him legally divorced you unless u were ready to walk away sooooo my sincere advice to u is make him remarry you or walk away for good because you are a Christian by heart u can’t just up and do an Islamic marriage and live happily ever after when u believe u would be a acting like a whore at that point.Don’t let him treat u like a whore.I am sorry for the hard words but him being an officer of the law and trying to brainwash u with his trashy insincere words which I know in your heart u CAN NOT believe after him divorcing you.Anyway this is what I would personally do BUTTTT If u felt like he might hurt u or worse then just keep your mouth shut and either leave or accept the situation he has put u in but there is NOOOO WAYYYYY in HELLL I would let a some Foreign India woman set foot in my homeland with legal wife status and I and my child are treated like second class citizens in my own country Hell to the NO on that one!!! Ok enough said I hope I pointed out some things u might have been thinking about.

  • Ren

    November 2, 2016

    Hi Mari,

    I am working on getting all the documents I can find together to prove things on paper in my favor. I have proof he started sending money in August 2015, while we were still legally married, I am going going to print all those receipts. I had no idea at that time. basically as soon as he got citizenship through the military he immediately started the negotiation apparently. when he went to India he was still legally married to me. of course the date of the paperwork she signed was dated after the final date of divorce .  when I saw emails back and forth it was before he said anything about divorce, going back to January 2016. so yes, I do feel he cheated on me and I said it time and time again but he likes to deny this. Also since I confronted him in June about all the emails I saw, he started keeping his phone and computer on lock down, which he never did before. I regret being honest with him, I guess I hoped there was still hope and now I realize I have to start lying to the liar to protect myself. I have even wondered about calling USCIS to see if there is an anonymous way to complain abs let them know. so when he came back from India he was engaged, and I asked over and over if there was a ceremony if any kind, which of course he said no, another lie I am sure.

    If anyone out there knows how I can access email or hack a password I would much appreciate it, just so I can print everything if he still has those emails. since the computer is in my house and my property I don’t suppose that is illegal or at least I hope not.  I know I was too trusting in the beginning of this bit now desperate times call for desperate measures.

    I have contacted her via email. I ask her if she knew he still lived with me and said I was his wife, etc. of course she said she did and for me not to worry because he has a plan for us, but I felt her confidence was a bit much, as if he has let her know it will be the two of them and me and my son won’t be around, which is painful. I’m trying to do all I can not to protect me, but my baby  as well because one day he’ll have questions and I want to give solid evidence that cannot be denied. he has threatened to take our son away to another country when he has a fit of anger, which that is another fear in the back of my mind as well.

    I’m also going to take Ana’s advice and suggest in a nice, non-threatening way to have an Islamic marriage and see what he says, so at least then I can say without a doubt if he has pure intentions for me, which is doubtful at this point, or if he truly is a conniving monster.?

  • Mari2

    November 2, 2016

    Ren,

    You pose a curious set of questions.  You brought your husband to the USA.  Because of your marriage to him, he gained citizenship.  You both have a child together.  He initiated divorce.  The terms of said divorce give you sole, physical custody of your son.  And from what I read, you receive CS as well.  

    Now I have my questions for you:  at the time he initiated divorce, was he already engaged to the other wife?  Did you know of her existance?

    In S. Asia there is rishta.  An engagement ceremony that occurs and doesnt necessarily require the man to attend.  When did the rishta between your ex and his new wife occur?  Before your marriage to him?  During your marriage to him?  To engage to another woman during marriage or during the seperation of one year required by most states of couples with children, that equals a cause of adultery.  Most states don’t give alimony for wives, except for situations where adultery exists.  So if your ex contracted a marriage PRIOR to your civil divorce, well then, as a citizen of the US he may be liable to pay damages to you.

    Also, though you received papers in the mail for his VISA of her, your ex had to provide his current divorce papers to prove he was eligible to marry her when he did.  Now there are countries where documents can be created per the request of the person asking for them.  So you need to examine the dates on his legal divorce documents of you, plus the date he claimed to be married in India and the certificate of Nikkah (was he physically there?), and you need to look for dates that do not line up.

    Also, how soon after your divorce was final did he suddenly remarry?  2 months?  3?  That does raise flags within USCIS.  And in S. Asia, rarely does a wedding just happen.  Its been planned and funded for at least, LEAST 6 months at a minimum.

    And while I feel bad for you, and though you are divorced and should move on, I realize that is a hard thing to do because you have a young son together.  And like it or not the two of you are bound  together by your child. But you have to consider (though it may not be true, just my intuition) that all your ex’s you are my heart…blah may just be his way of placating you so that you dont look too closely, or hire one to look too closely as to his/his family’s true intent.

    But rest assured uscis workers are not novices when it comes to culture either.   The embassies get “culture” and their reps know the game.  My husband while married to 2 wives, chose to engage with his cousin while still married to the wife who brought him here.  3 months after he divorced his legal wife, he married his cousin.  Filed for a Visa.  How’s that going for cousin wife?  Poorly.  19 months after marriage and her application has not even passed through the gates here in the USA.  USCIS has not even moved or approved his application on to the embassy in his country.  Why?  Possibly because his first wife had a fit all over the place most likely.

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2016

    Ren,

    I went back and made the corrections on that other post because it was important that I do so. I had put illegal where legal should be and illegitimate where legitimate should be and it was a mess. So it’s corrected now

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2016

    Ren,
    I’m on my phone. I made a mistake in my last post and put the word illegal when I meant to put legal.

    I’m not at home so I can’t give you the link to a post on this site that you need to read. Maybe you could find it. It’s called laws of the land and polygamy. The name is something like that.

  • Ren

    November 2, 2016

    Ana, thank you for this advice. I actually thought about doing this based on your last post. Can I do this in the states? Would this be legal in the eyes of the law in the US or would it be more of a covenant between us? I just want to have my facts straight before presenting so he can’t try to tell me he can’t tell me it would be illegal and he can’t do it. if he says he can’t, I know for sure what his plans are..

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2016

    Ren,

    I think I’m getting a better understanding of your situation. Thank you much for elaborating so that I have a clear we have a clear picture. The major problem that you and he have now is that you are not married to him. If you were Muslim I’d encourage you to tell him that you and he must have a legitimate Islamic marriage since you can’t have a legal civil registered one.

    It means that you have to do the Islamic marriage properly with the 2 Witnesses or 3 if if two of them are females and you have to have the dowry as well as a contract.

    You could call his bluff and tell him that you want to go to the Masjid and have an Islamic ceremony with people present witnessing it. It will give you a clear idea of what type of relationship this man intends to have with you. If he says no, then you need to get up out of there quickly because he would simply be taking more advantage of you. It would indicate that he has no sincere intention. Don’t let him tell you that you and he could do it eventually or soon. Let him know that Islamic marriage is simple to do and you could do that this week. See what he says.

  • Ren

    November 2, 2016

    Hi Gail,

    Yes I feel like I have a few knives in my back and have made it clear that I AM MY SON’S MOTHER and if he or she thought anything different there would be trouble. I do feel he defends her as if she’s innocent by telling me I don’t even know her, how could I speak bad about her, etc. I have tested him on this and he defends her and I know how things would go. he claims she doesn’t speak badly of me, but who knows? for all I know I’m being laughed at. I will stay safe. I’m trying to play my cards and us my brain and stay calm so that I have the upper hand. he thinks he has a lot of power because of being in the military and being a police officer, but I don’t think he’s ever had the wrath of a woman on his head?

  • Ren

    November 2, 2016

    Hi Ana, at the time I was still believing the lies I suppose. he said the other marriage wasn’t love for him it was what he had to do for his parents. I think where the betrayal started for me was when he covered it all up. When he filed for divorce he said he did not have anyone on mind. when he went to India and came back he lied again saying how could he make arrangements in 10 days. but then the package came in the mail from her with the paperwork and I saw his emails and phone logs and realized he made arrangements a year before he even brought any if it up with me .  if he had spoken the truth from the start and never tried covering it up I might feel differently.

    I’m not against polygamy if it’s the real thing and up front bd everyone knows what’s going on and no secrets. I guess that’s why I came to this board for advice needed if what he is saying is legitimate or if I’m simply a pansy for him.

    Blessings,

    Ren

  • Ren

    November 2, 2016

    Hi again Spirited and Ana,

    Thank you again for your words. Indeed, Ana, this is where my confusion has continued to sit. He claims to be married to me in his heart, and he pulls bit and pieces from Islam to try and justify such as Sharia Law , but in the beginning he claimed he didn’t abide by this, because I did ask him up front about it. And yes as a Christian this is so hard, which is why I did not file for divorce or go to the proceedings because I was against it. and living with him is hard and it does keep me in such a tangled mess and I’ve told him I was no side whore to fulfill any fantasy and if that’s what he wanted he could go find it somewhere else. I know there is a lot going on here, I could write a book. I know the bottom line is that I will be leave for sure and no longer be taken advantage of.  I do and have done so much for him I just can’t believe how cold he is about this. he says I should just accept what we have and be happy, but what we have is a house of lies.

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2016

    Ren,

    You agreed to the civil legal divorce you said to avoid shame etc. so why are you bitter about the divorce now. It doesn’t appear that you fought him court, but came to an agreement with him.

  • ummof4

    November 2, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    I wasn’t planning on writing this week, but I just had to.  SPIRITED IS GETTING MARRIED, IN SHAA’ALLAHhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif.

    Ren, I agree with what everyone else has said.  If you are truly divorced, it’s time for one of you to move to another place to live, if you haven’t already done so.

    Allah is truly with the patient.

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2016

    Ren ,

    What’s confusing me is thst if I understand correctly you and he are not married in any kind of way. Usually in such cases the husband divorce the wife civilly so he could bring a woman to the US legally but keeps the Islamic marriage with the first wife. But, you have no Islamic marriage. Furthermore, you have no Christian marriage either once the divorce was finalized. You said your faith is important to you. If you and he are still living as husband and wife as in still being intimate with each other, don’t you view it as a HUGE problem?

  • Ren

    November 2, 2016

    Wow, Gail thank you for the advice as well and for welcoming me. I am sure he is marrying a cousin whether she is distant or not. he doesn’t even want to talk to me about it and gets very angry with me because of me trying to express my hurt and anger and he claims he doesn’t speak to her. I just have no trust atime all in anything he says and yes he is definitely screwing with my mind, he loves me one day and the next he doesnt because he claims it’s me fighting with him. believe me I have hurled plenty of insults to home about her in hopes of trying to hurt him the way he’s hurt her. He did divorce me, which I told him doesn’t make sense, either, how will she take care of his parents on India if she is here? By God’s grace , I will be the one left in peace, not pieces  and they will be the ones left in misery. I hate being so angry, I go from anger to sadness to confusion. I told him I would find someone else  (not that I want to, I think I’m better off alone) but he seems to think he can prevent that from happening. and what’s really funny, he treats me like he can’t trust me since I told him about seeing the emails in an attempt to be honest, and he’s the biggest liar.

    I have no idea where this will all end.

    Blessings to you,

    Ren

  • Gail

    November 2, 2016

    Ren,

     I missed the post to where u said he already divorced u.I am sorry to hear this because it seems he slit your throat on this one.Look from what u have posted I can tell he has done his homework and prepared well.He has taken legal advice and made D@mn sure he is doing everything right to get her to USA.I don’t want to hurt u Ren but your playing with fire here and since u r divorced from him legally and u r not a muslim u should leave and not torture yourself in this way because u have nothing to gain by doing so.Listen don’t trust that girl around your baby.Those girls only see their own gain and your child is worthless in her eyes.Your husband might be the best investment she ever made and him her but your child is the best investment u ever made so please keep your baby safe.

  • Gail

    November 2, 2016

    Ren,

     Hello and welcome to the blog! I read your post and from my experience he used u to get citizenship and now that he has it he is planning to divorce u and marry back in India I would assume to his cousin but I have no idea since India is different than Pakistan but u need to find out for certain if this is going to be a cousin marriage.Also do not trust your inlaws as they were in on this from the start and they know u have a baby with him and still they r willing to mistreat u in such a manner.Also don’t let your husband screw your mind either.There is a huge difference between being played like an idiot and taken advantage of and Polygamy.I will tell u this India and Pakistani women are not for the most part going to accept polygamy so u better get ready if u decide to stay.Listen I don’t know how smart your husband is or if u even want to try to outsmart him but if u do u can play it cool and tell him u don’t want to hear anymore about this nonsense until he is married to her.If he marries her before legally divorcing you then he can’t bring her hear to USA even if he does try to divorce you because u just trapped him with Bigamy understand?So becareful because u have a baby to think about and do not trust either of them at this point.

  • Gail

    November 2, 2016

    Ana,

     Oh I forgot to mention every time Hubby and I purchase a property we gift one of the children the property we bought.We take turns gifting the children.All 4 of my children now have their own properties.I got this idea after my cancer scares.I want to die with the peace of mind that my children will never be homeless and G.D help me to achieve that dream this Ice Cream Season.

  • Ren

    November 2, 2016

    Hi Ana,

    We got married here in the US. we had a Christian ceremony, guests, etc but no dowry. he bought me a ring on India and presented it to me in front of his parents, so I thought that was real. I have always worked and have always found a way to survive , I just don’t want him to ever try taking our son from me. I know he has no grounds for that and it would be best hard for him to do that .

    Thank you?

  • Gail

    November 2, 2016

    Ana,

     Don’t worry I didn’t take it to heart I know u very well now and know u would never seek to hurt anyone’s feelings on purpose.I want to loose weight so badly now my kids r after me 24/7 to get the weight off esp.. my youngest son and daughter are helping me out.Man they r brutal with me and sometimes I almost cry because they refuse to give me sweets.My husband he just gives me what I want and takes me to eat out alottttttt.Then last week I turned on him and said I know u r feeding me to kill meeeee! He was like WHAT!! U HAVE LOST YOUR MIND!!!needless to say since then he has not offered to take me out or give me food.It would appear I cut my own throat LOL. 

     I know u asked about children and they are all doing great with exeption to my oldest son who is 22 next week.My 14 yr old son is in the process of gaining weight and lifting weights to bulk up and just studying and talking to his girlfriend in Pakiland.He will be 15 in feb. I will blink and he will be grown.My daughter she is 13 now and is very much a feminist.She likes to do anything her brothers do like working out lifting weights etc… her love is reading and baking and she is chugging right along as well.My little genius will be 12 in jan and oh my he has gone through puberty and he is on the fast track to getting his pilots licence.We are going next spring to visit some pilot training schools but as of right now he really has his heart set to study in UK but man it is sooo expensive so we shall see.He also has developed quite a sense of humor as well.We went yesterday to check on some of our properties and my daughter said she needed to go by and check on her property as well so we go by and I ask her if she likes it and she says yes and I said do u want to stay here and let it soak in that u own it while we go check r other property.She smiles and Adam chimes in and says u might want to get a bench.I turned and looked at him and he said WHAT its not cleared land.Obviously we all die laughing and he is like “I’m just saying” LOL he is funny as all get out.I love my kids soooo much!!!!

     

     

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2016

    Ren,

    It sound like you have a plan https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif It’s good you’re trying to get stronger. Make your move from a position of strength. I hope you’re saving your monies and making plans (with good intentions) to make the move smoothly.

    But, I’m still confused. Do you have an Islamic marriage, meaning did you have a nikah with the ceremony, witnesses, a dowry and contract?

    Oh, no need to thank us. It’s what this blog is for. We try to be here for one another as best we can. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Ren

    November 1, 2016

    Yes I think I was on such shock I had no idea what to do. I don’t want to believe the lies that I’m the one he truly loves. he is not the easiest to deal with, even his family agree, so in a way I think I will have sweet revenge. I will continue to pray and try to get strong. I appreciate your support, I truly do. yes, since polygamy is not legal in the US the only way for him to do this was to divorce me. and I don’t feel like playing hostess to her while she setttied in North do I want to be his trinket on a shelf . 

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2016

    Ren,

    I’m sorry;I misunderstood. I didn’t know the divorce is final. I just thought it was in the processing stage. You had a better chance of preventing her from coming to the country when you were litigating the divorce. Now that it’s over, there doesn’t seem to be anything that you can do. You don’t have any legal ties to him any longer. You should try to move on and not wait for her to get here. Don’t humiliate yourself by waiting for her to arrive. Hold on to the little self-respect that you have left.  It makes no sense to keep him company till she gets here and then get thrown out.

  • Ren

    November 1, 2016

    Sorry for the typo Spirited?

  • Ren

    November 1, 2016

    Salaam my new friends ? Spironed and Ana, thank you so much for your support and advice. I’ve felt so alone through all is. we are actually divorced   He wanted me to file but I refused because being a woman of faith I did not feel I should lie especially in this case, nor did I want the shame .  I have full physical custody of our son and he child support was written into the papers .  I do feel like a fool and of course when I tell him how hurt I am getting gets mad and tries to turn things around on me. I did see his emails when I first found out about this, yes I snuck a peek, and I read her emails to him saying she was the best investment he would ever make, which I felt was an insult to me basically saying I wasn’t good enough. and all of his I love you’s to her, he tried telling me was USCIS proof. I know it’s BS. but to make it worse he is still here with me. but I know the second he got citizenship he started the talks .  as bad as it makes me sound, I hope it all falls apart and he is miserable .  I told him when she gets here, I will not be here, why should I care if she’s homesick. I am trying so hard to stay calm and take everything I can from him, it’s just really hard to hold my tongue .  I asked all the right questions before getting involved but of course he obviously lied. I do talk to his parents and the have always seemed to like me, but who knows, maybe they were in on the whole community as well. 

    Again, thank you so much  I guess I just needed to hear that I’m not crazy or thinking the wrong way. I agree, this has nothing to do with Islam, he only brings it up for convenience . he doesn’t even go to Mosque ever, even though we are right down the street from one.

    Is there any way to file an anonymous report for investigation of stop her from coming here?

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2016

    Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Yay, Spirited is going to get married I’m so happy for you Sister Spirited.

    He has a prize in you, dear Spirited. I pray the absolute best for you as you embark on a new journey in life. Alhumdulliah!

  • Spirited

    November 1, 2016

    Salaam gang!

    @Ren, so sorry to read what you are going through and the lies you went through.  It’s never going to change with their kind.  Don’t believe a word he says because it’s going to be all lies.  Don’t feel bad about saying that his other wife just wants to come here to the US, because that’s exactly it.  He also only used you to come here and get settled.  If he keeps you, “religiously married” it’s only as a “western trophy wife” end of story.  I second Ana’s suggestions.  I also suggest to warn anyone you ever hear of wanting to marry a guy from Pakistan, India, Egypt, Syria, etc who IS NOT already a citizen of the woman’s [usually western] country of nationality.  I already do this whenever I can.  The safest bet is to either make it clear the woman is never filing for immigration for the man, or that he’s already a citizen!

    @Gail, hey how have you been?!  Glad to see you’re still checking in from time to time.  You must be excited for your trip next year huh https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif.   If I didn’t have uncles and cousins there, I would never go back to Pakistan myself, lol!  I’m glad your health is holding up overall.  I hope your kids are well 🙂

    And now for a general announcement from my end.  Education for my new career path is going well.  I’m also getting married this month. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif  Lol.  I’m not putting the specific date out here in cyberspace obviously.  Firstly, yes he’s a citizen — born & raised.  We grew up pretty much the same and even have similar likes and dislikes.  I like his sense of morality and ethics as well.  I’ve been speaking with him for QUITE a long time and we both are ready to tie the knot https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif.

    So to anyone who worries about life after a lying, adulterous, snake of a polygamist excuse for a man has run you through the wringer, there’s always a good side to every event eventually, just trust in God and you’ll get there,  Insha’Allah.

    Talk to you guys again https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2016

    Gail,

    I never thought fat people were lazy and nasty people who let themselves go. I know how difficult it is to lose weight. I’m always trying to reach an ideal and as you said, the difficulty of it coupled with getting older makes it just that much more difficult. I’m trying to reach an ideal and time is working against me. It’s like time as in aging and efforts at weight loss are battling with each other LOL

    I look for things to do in order not to do a workout. Believe me, it’s not hard to find other things to do LOL

    When you go out in the sun, you should make sure you wear a hat. They have a lot of nice ones and some specifically to shield from the sun. I bought a nice one from Costco a while back to take on vacation. I end up taking them, but never wear them sigh.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2016

    Ren, hello

    Don’t concern yourself about your post being long. We don’t care about that here.

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Sadly,so many American/European and other women are getting bamboozled by men who marry and lie for personal gain. I’ve come to learn that most Pakistani/Indians don’t marry for love. Arranged marriage is their way.

    I think it doesn’t matter what your husband tells you, whether it’s how much he loves you or whatever; it doesn’t really matter. It’s just words. As he stated, (in his mind) he must do what he is expected to do. He said it’s his duty to marry the person who his family selected. That part, he’s being truthful about. So, basically, he will do as they say.

    The problem is that most of them don’t believe in polygamy. Therefore, it’s not a matter of you trying to work with her and him to live as a family. I doubt she wants any part of that. It would be different if they lived Islam and were believers in it’s teachings. BUT, THEY DON’T. Consequently, talking Islam to them or trying to do things from an Islamic perspective won’t work. As you can see, begging, pleading and trying to collaborate with him and her isn’t working. No, you shouldn’t trust him or her or any of his family.

    In my opinion, since he has filed for divorce and isn’t listening to or hearing anything you have to say, you’re bound to come out the loser. The mere fact that he has filed for divorced speaks volume. For him, life is not about you. It’s about his family, his mother and his other wife.

    My advice to you is go get the best lawyer/attorney that you can afford – THE BEST. If you can’t afford one, get a legal aid one, BUT GET ONE and take your husband to the cleaners.Take his sorry @$$ to court and tell them EVERYTHING. Get him ordered by a judge to pay child support, alimony, your mortgage payment, medical, insurance, car payment and anything else you could think of. If there is anyway to block his other from coming to the US, do that too. Don’t delay. Get a move on with it right away. You are in a no win situation with your husband. The way I see it, it is over for you with him. You are finished.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2016

    To ALL out in cyberspace

    I’m very sorry for anyone who my words hurt with my insensitivity in describing some people.

    My sincerest apology to you all.

    Again, I am awfully sorry.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2016

    Dear Gail,

    Ooooh, now I feel badly that I made you feel bad. I didn’t think my post would affect anyone in a negative way. Gee Wiz, I mean probably more than half of America is overweight. When I was recently on vacation, there were – probably they were near 300 lbs in BIKINIS on the beach and in the pool. I don’t mean a one piece swimsuit. I said a bikini, and not a burkini (Muslim) swimsuit LOL

    Times are changing. I don’t think people view healthy people the way they used to. “Healthy” is what my niece when she was little was taught by her mom to call people who were on the heavier side when she spoke about them. I think nothing much of it because TV commercials, famous actors and all are hefty and people are loving those shows. Look at Melissa McCarthy, for instance. She’s so funny and she’s making money.

    Gail, don’t feel bad. You’ve got an awesome personality and people love you. You bring life to the blog when you write. I enjoy reading your posts.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. What’s most important is that you are a cancer survivor. Wooo hooo!!! If you want to be thinner, which probably we all do to some degree or another, it can happen. All God needs to do is say be and then it comes into being. There are so many so called diets out there, but why aren’t most working? It’s because Allah who determines all things, determine when and if we lose weight as well, and how we do. So, don’t give up Gaily girl.

  • Ren

    November 1, 2016

    Hi, I’m so happy I found this blog. I have found myself in a situation, as many others, where my husband has divorced me to bring someone to the US to marry, but still says he is married to me, that husband heart hasn’t changed and I am his real love, he is just doing his duty as a firstborn son to have someone to take care of his parents . 

    Let me back up a moment. my husband is an Indian Muslim and I’m an American Christian .  we met several years ago  I filed for a visa and he came to the US and we were married in 2013 and we have a 2 year old son. he joined the military in 2015 and got his citizenship. apparently as I came to know just a few months ago he made arrangements for marriage with someone else in India behind my back.  he started dropping hints to me in January that he had to do this for his parents, etc. I begged and cried I hate, for him not to do this .  I of course said I would happily care for his parents, but I just felt like everything he said was an excuse .  he took a 2 week trip in April to supposedly see his family, but he filed for divorce romantic me before he did. I asked him over and over if he had someone else , he kept saying no. I asked him when he got home and he said how could he have time? well I’m not quite that stupid I knew something was going on and God providedoes me with my answers one day in the former of a package from his fiance with all her paperwork ! needless to say I went a bit crazy just because of the lies. I dumped everything out in front of him and threw whatever I could find. I felt and still feel so betrayed. how can I trust or believe anything? I have emailed he fiance to try to know her, I’ve been trying through all the pain, but I’m struggling. I have no idea if I trust her, I just feel like she wants a trip to America. I know it sounds awful to say and I know it’s my pain talking.

    I’m sorry for such a long post but I am hurting so badly. I don’t know what I should do. I’m praying daily, and obviously seeking help and advice. I just want someone to tell me if what I feel is valid or if I’m wrong. I just feel so betrayed and it’s hard to move out if that feeling. please, sisters, give me some answers . 

  • Gail

    November 1, 2016

    Ana,

     OH ANA u didn’ttttt!!! I am a so FATTTT and UGLY now that I have had half my nose chopped off from Cancer! OH MY G>D ANAAAAA!! hahahahah

      Seriously though it sucks being Fat and ugly and 45 with only creeping age going up as well.I do think most people think fat people let themselves go on purpose but I would disagree it has more to do with a mental state of mind more than anything.I have been both skinny and fat and I notice when I was skinny I had alot of the happiness hormone and could be happy and excited in a second but when I am fat I just can not get that happiness feeling and believe me having that feeling motivates a person alot in wanting to get moving.Also I noticed I could not remember any dreams for yrs and now that I am on my anxiety medication my dreaming has come back.I am assuming it has to do with serotonin levels(just guessing).Also sense I have been on the anxiety medication I have gained sooooo much weight which totallyyyyy sucks.I am going back to pakistan next yr so I have to loose alot of weight so I can enjoy my trip.

    As far as my nose after the cancer it looks fine for getting half the sucker scooped out.I have a small dip in it that I am thinking to get filled but everyone tells me they can’t even notice it unless I point it out to them or they get really close to me.

      I know skinny people think fat people are lazy nasty people but it is not always the truth.I work hard for my family even I still go in the sun every day just to make a better more secure life for my family.I do it out of love and devotion.Now if I could only do the same for myself to get this weight off.Other than me going on a water fast I really don’t know how to get this weight off which is depressing to say the least arghhh.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum All

    I know you all are very busy with your lives and hectic schedules. I just want you all to know that I understand if you aren’t here as often as we’d all like – just get here when you can 🙂

    If anyone doesn’t listen to music. Please just ignore… Thank you!

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2016

    Hey, there Alison. Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I was so looking forward to hearing from you my dear sister https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

    It’s okay that you haven’t been able to keep up. I can barely keep up myself LOL  I’m just happy that all can get here whenever they can. Alhumdulliah for everyone who shows up to contribute regardless of how often. It’s all you wonderful people who keep the blog going.

    All is good with me. I’m just busy as ever. It doesn’t seem I get much done. I can’t imagine if I had kid. I’d be https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif and I’m totally serious.

    Insha Allah, I hope to write some more posts soon if and when I get some time sigh.  I usually write when I get inspired and don’t try to force it.

    Again, I love hearing from you, even if it’s only once a month. It’s a lot to me.

    Love you lots, too my dear sister. {{{hugs}}} 🙂

  • Alison

    November 1, 2016

    Hey Asalam aleikum my dear sisters hope all is well with everyone
    Hey Anna my dear how are you and hope all is well with you. I have not been able to follow the blog but when am stuck in the rut I go back to the old posts to get the lift up. We miss your posts keep them coming
    Love you lots

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for November 2016. We thank you all for being here. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussion. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the October 2016 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is:October 2016 Discussions