November 2017 discussion Forum

November 2017 Discussion ForumWelcome to our November 2017 discussion forum. Simply jump right in and share your experiences or thoughts about polygamy in Islam. What’s on your mind?

 

November 2017 discussion forum

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86 Comments

  • anabellah

    November 18, 2017

    Sis Saira,

    You’re doing good. No one on this planet knows all that there is to know about our way of life (Islam). Allah says if all the trees were pens and the oceans were ink it would not exhaust the words of Allah. We should be learning till the end of our time. What’s important is that you want to be on the straight path and are making intentions and efforts to be there and stay there. I wrote a post for us all A Major Benefit of Polygamy Saira, keep up the good work, Sis! 🙂

  • Serena

    November 18, 2017

    Saira

    I hope Allah eases your difficulties.

    It was mentioned here before about that kind of abusive behaviour pattern. He hurts and upsets you then later apologises then hurts you. Just going in circles.

    Sometimes we make someone so important in our life and are willing to do so much for them that they start taking advantage. When you distance yourself from them then they wonder what’s wrong and do stuff to get us to treat them like they are some high and mighty being. They love the special treatment they get.

    You have to stay strong for your own well being and for your children. It’s good Saira that you talm to your mum and she is aware of what’s going on. You do need someone who will listen to you and advice you.

    Also do what is within your limit. Don’t do too much for in laws and co especially if they don’t appreciate it and on top of that you are putting your health at risk.

    It’s also so easy to loose connection with Allah. Make that your goal rather than trying so hard to keep everyone else happy. You should be okay inshaAllah.

  • Saira

    November 17, 2017

    Wa alaykum Salam sister Ana and sister serena

    Many thanks for your kind word and bunch of advice if any thing helped me at all in my relationship is this blog to learn more
    But I figure out one major thing from my own post is am lacking of Islam in my daily life
    I read all my salah Alhamdulilah but that’s not enough I some how lost the connection with Allah
    My son will be 5 years old in few months time
    And Alhamdulih very well mannered and intelligent
    There is nothing important in life then my kids
    I been so calm and ignoring all bad and I changed my self a lot
    But that’s not the problem
    Main problem is my husband started to think he rules me and he is enjoying having tow homes to go to and when he gets temper he don’t care who come under his anger
    My in laws very much like roller coaster
    They flow with talk lol
    When my husband in good mood they are all ok but if he goes to them complain about any one of us automatically we in wrong
    I had so many difficulties in life but Allah is my witness this married already showed me so many difficulties already there been sooo many good things but when fight happend I have no where to look for
    And that’s not healthy for young kids to grow up
    My mother was telling me I can only make intention and make dua but to leave this marriage or stay in it’s down to Allahs will
    But as sister sareena said when he start sending abusive messages i should ignore
    I been doing that but he said hurt full things I cudnt resist and gave him reply
    3 days gave me hard time and in the end I put his number on ignore and then he showed up after a day by doing that
    He said sorry and all but I never showed any emotions
    Sister sareena I wish I could do like you and cut all negative people out of my life but I can only do that by cutting him out from life
    Every body stay ok untill he fights
    I said to him on last time that he batter respect me and he will get from me and that’s how kids will learn
    I don’t like to say any thing bad about kids because kids learn from parents it’s sad to see that
    I am very much shock to see my own reaction
    I felt num he spend a lot time here and never went to see other family and I even ask him and he said he knows what’s he is doing
    But I have not felt any happiness to see him
    My heart was still in pain and still is
    He been showing so much kindness but I didn’t felt comfortable around him
    I just wanted to stay silent and read some Quran
    Am I started to disliking him or accepting abuse and disgusting
    About family gathering I tried to keep as much less in can some time and make excuse and stay home but I can’t do that longer hubby starting to ask all the time then to go and see all

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2017

    Sister Serena,

    Thank you! I see this site as our site, not mine. I pray that Allah is well pleased with us all for the good that were trying to do for ourselves and one another 🙂

  • Serena

    November 16, 2017

    Wa alaikum asalaam

    Ana

    I mentioned in the thread about finances that my parents came over to UK from Pakistan. Yes I have to say although Pakistani I was born and raised in the UK.
    No I haven’t really been offended by your comments about Pakistanis they may seem harsh but they do have truth in them.

    My life was a bit complicated when it came to in laws. I wasn’t someone they chose. Am not blood reative, nor from the same caste or village back in Pakistan. That matters a lot to them. So basically was never really accepted but they wanted to rule my life. What I chose to wear, where I went shopping, how and where I spent money (even money I earned from paid work), what I cooked etc.

    I never let them control my life. I thought you can’t accept me so stay out of my life. At times there were complications. They arranged someone for their son and somehow he agreed but the plan fell through. He thought he had hurt his parents enough and hoped they would be happy get off our case. That was a difficult time but Allah is the best of planners.

    I just cut off all the negative people. They weren’t having that either. Still interfering. I had good days and bad days but alhumdulillah have come a long way and don’t get upset over what others say or do to hurt me.

    Your site has helped me a lot. Especially about the getting close to Allah reminders. So sister Ana no need to apologise. Rather I thank you for this site and hope Allah rewards you lots and hopefully more people can benefit from it.

  • anabellah

    November 15, 2017

    Dear Sister Serena, As Salaamu Alaikum!

    I had thought you may be married to a Pakistani man, but didn’t know you are Pakistani, also. I am so very sorry, if anything that I’ve said in sharing my thoughts about some of the people and the culture has hurt you or made you feel uncomfortable or even caused you to think less of me. You always appeared to be a kind heart, knowledgeable person and I’m so happy you are here contributing. You’ve been very helpful. Again, I apologize for any thoughtless and unkind things that I may have said that may have offended you. Again, thank you for being here, sharing and helping. I appreciate it. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Serena

    November 15, 2017

    Asalaam alaikum

    Saira

    I was hesitant to reply you as yours is a very delicate situation especially you being pregnant I didn’t want to say anything that might upset you.

    Anyway I am also Pakistani and know the culture inside out. Ana is right about how polygamy is viewed nowadays and how other mans child is viewed. Do you remember you wrote one time your daughter was at your in laws house and they said she was a cousin or something of that sort instead of who she really is.

    Saira don’t fall into hia trap. When he swears or sends rude messages ignore him. Don’t respond by swearing and being rude to him. Just walk away into another room and later when he is calm then talk about it.

    I don’t know how long you been in this marriage but I think it’s long enough to work out the type of man your husband is and what your co is like and what his family are like. You need to draw a line somewhere and set boundaries. It’s obvious you and co can’t be friends so why don’t you just stop showing up where she is? What will you miss out?

    Also don’t say anything negative about his kids especially to him. You said his kids have problem of lying and he knows. Where or who do you think they are picking up such habits from?

    It’s wrong of him to abuse you in front of his other wife and children. Only you can put a stop to that. If his behaviour is unpredictable then why go where there is risk of you being humilaited infront of them?

    I know it’s done but it was mistake to give up on house from the government. At least that was yours and he couldn’t take it from you.

    It’s sad to read that you think you are a failure as a mother. Also how you don’t want to take your daughter away from her dad as she loves him alot. However you also neex to think about when he argues with you how it will effect your daughter.

    It’s sad that you are in an emotional abusive relationship. I agree with Mari2 what are you going to do for yourself?

    Alhumdulillah it’s great news you will get your son back. You know the social workers will be on your case to see how your son is settling in and how you are coping. Please think carefully what you do as you can’t jeopardise things. You can’t have a negative environment for your son to come into. Not sure your sons age but they will talk to him perhaps alone about home life to see if he is happy or not. You need to have stability for his sake.

    It’s so wrong he telling you to leave his flat. At same time it won’t look good with social workers of your place is small and you have another baby on way as well as your son coming back. It’s good you have a lawyer and hopefully the lawyer will guide you what to do.

    Look after your health. Forget about cooking for everyone as it’s done you no good. Keep doing dua.

  • anabellah

    November 15, 2017

    Sister Saira,

    Sister Mara S brought up a very good point about your son. I’m so happy to hear that you had been giving it a lot of thought about protecting him. You’re aware how important it is that he is protected knowing that the people who you are surrounded by do not accept polygamy nor do they accept other men’s children. I doubt your husband is aware of the responsibility that Islam places on him in that he married you when you had a child from a former relationship. Your husband is required to treat your son the same as he treats all his biological children. Allah has said to men to only marry one woman, if he can’t treat all those orphan children the same. Your situation is a prime example of what the ayah that says a man is only to marry one means.

    It’s on you to make sure that your son is safe and won’t be abused or neglected by those who don’t know or understand the significance of the ayah from the Quran and the undertaking that your husband has put on himself. At least you are prepared to walk away from the marriage if you need to do so.

    Saira, it seems that you are special. Insha Allah, try to learn as much about Islam as you can from the Quran and try to live it. You will find that Allah will protect, guide and help you. He will shower His Mercy upon you and forgive you of your sins.

    Don’t try to win the approval of those other people. They won’t accept you; although they might appear to. You’ve got to be strong.

  • Saira

    November 15, 2017

    Salam All
    JazakAllah all sisters gave me hand full advice
    My husband lost his driving licence so he is not driving and we live 10 min from each other and he was having some health issues and that’s reason why he was keeping all us togater few days a week
    And he wanted kids to see each other more
    Sister marsh S
    I been thinking same thing from very long time and I been trying to independent
    My son is improtan to me and I can leave my marriage to protect my son feeling and emotion
    Allah knows my intention it’s like jigsaw puzzle I woke out to be prepared and to move on and be able to have kids alone and something comes up in my way
    My strong intention was to leave him when I get full custody
    It’s nothing to do with him but being in court and all them moving and doing all togater was hard enough and now pregnant
    I loose my baby weight and he was pleased with it but my intention was nothing other then loosing weight for my self
    My co was over weight and still is but he says things to make me angry now i know he wanted to do drama to show co he is not happy as sister Ana said
    It’s happening what he wanted to show
    He been sending hundred of hurt full messages
    Talking about how he lied he loved my body etc but actually he was lieing
    I try to switch of phone then when I turn on I see msgs so I put him on ignore since then Alhamdulih am busy with my own house work and didn’t see his msgs and seen and never replied
    I had to tell co as I start showing and she keep asking silly things when we togater like help her to lift heavy things etc
    Also most of time when we togater he was not helping me as she suspect something
    Mother in law and all other family Allah knows what they will say to him for making me pregnant again
    I try to leave room when he start telling me stuff about co and he do show my msgs to her as well and even she told me he hide things in txt messages from me
    When ever he start telling me or sending me pics of house to show how bad house is and not cleaned I simply tell him to tell any one else but not me coz am not your mother to complain

  • Rosa

    November 15, 2017

    Saira

    You really have to ask Allah to purify your intentions. Make you are doing good deeds only to gain His pleasure. Start focusing on what’s important and not all this nonsense. Alhamdullilaah you will be getting your son back InshaAllah. I can’t reme exactly how old you said he was but I could imagine how difficult it’s going to be for him to adjust to you and two siblings and a guy who’s not his biological dad. It’s going to take a lot of patience I suggest you mentally prepare yourself for the transition. Stop competing with your co. You may not see it that way but clearly you are and your husband seems to be getting a rise pinning yall against each other. One would think he would want peace but he constantly adds fuel to the fire
    And why were you dying to tell your co you were pregnant were u trying to hurt her. Reading your posts I don’t see Allah in any of the equations which is resulting into a chaotic chain of events. May Allah rectify our affairs.

  • Marah S

    November 15, 2017

    Saira,

    I had a thought and I don’t want to be harsh or pessimistic, but do you think your husband will do well with your son? The reason I ask is he and his family already give you such a hard time with the child you have together, do you think they will be kind, respectful, and accepting of your son who is not his? If he’s threatening to kick you and his own children out of his house and demand you get an abortion. I wonder how he’ll treat your son.

  • anabellah

    November 14, 2017

    Saira,

    One other thing, stop telling your husband to go to her and love her and telling her to go to him and love him when you don’t mean it. Say what you mean. Don’t say one thing when you mean the opposite and then get upset when he doesn’t come home on your night after you told him to go be with her, for instance.

  • anabellah

    November 14, 2017

    Saira,

    It’s alhumdulliah that you’ll be getting your son back soon, Insha Allah. Turn to Allah and try to get yourself together so you’ll be able to take care of yourself and your children. Remember that Allah takes care of us and He provides. If you’re focused on your husband, and think that he’s doing it all for you, your focus is WRONG. Everything comes from Allah. The people are only the vehicles to deliver it to us. Stay focused! {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    November 14, 2017

    Saira,

    And what is this about your husband telling you that he looooves his other wife’s body? When you first arrived on this blog, you were saying that your co was overweight or something to that effect, and you said that you were thin and your husband was loving your body. Now, you’re pregnant and talking about how worried you are about how your body is going to look after you have the next baby. SMH What’s going on??? Now you’re competing to have the best body for your husband to enjoy. REALLY? That man is not even worth your time and trouble. I could see you being concerned about having a good body to feel good about yourself for yourself and your health and, yes, it would be nice for your husband to find pleasure in your body, but to put so much emphasis on it??? Its it about competing with her?

    You’ve got your priorities all messed up. Allah won’t change a person’s condition until they change what is in their hearts. It’s about Allah. It’s not about you and what you want, nor is it about your co or your husband. The ONLY thing we should compete for is righteousness.

    You need to take a good look at yourself and stop focusing all your attention on superficial, meaningless stuff, if you want your life to get better. Don’t bother with your husband’s other wife until or unless you all get on the same page. What is happening now is hurting you and you’re just as much at fault for it as he and she are. I doubt you want to leave that man. The only time you think about it is when he acts like a jackass, which is most of time…

    You won’t be able to leave that marriage until or unless Allah decrees it for you, anyhow. All you could do is make your intention to stay or leave. Where is the consistency? Do you want to stay or do you want to go or is it whatever way the wind blows….

  • anabellah

    November 14, 2017

    Saira,

    Insha Allah, don’t let your husband talk to you about his other wife. Let him know that you don’t want to hear it. Tune it out. Leave the room. Start singing when he’s talking. Put your hands over your ears. Do whatever it takes. Start Zikring. If you’re nosy enough to sit and listen, then you suffer the consequences.

    I really don’t know why you were sucking up to his other wife and his family, cooking and catering to them. For what? And you’re pregnant too. Why not just take it easy??? I doubt you were doing all that cooking, cleaning and watching all those kids, because you were seeking barakats (blessings) for it. If you were, you wouldn’t be complaining about it and feeling cheated or taken advantaged of. All rewards are from Allah. Even if those people, including your husband, told you to kiss their butts after you had done all that you did, or they didn’t say thank you, nor showed you any appreciation, you would be okay with it IF you did it all seeking the good pleasure of Allah – for the benefit of your own soul.

    You’re turning all your attention to your husband and his other wife, and they both give you their butts to kiss. It sounds about right. It’s how it happens when you turn to Allah’s creation instead of turning to Him.

  • anabellah

    November 14, 2017

    Sister Sara,

    I, too, just see it all as a vicious cycle. He treats you badly, which makes you angry and then he becomes nice and you love him all over again, until he says something mean or doesn’t come home, then you’re angry again till he acts lovingly towards you and you love him all over again, and so it goes…

    I see it that you and your co are competitive with one another over him, and he’s loving it. I’m sure she knows when you and he are having problems, and it probably makes her happy. It may make for a more loving relationship between him and her when you’re all disjointed and upset, but when you and he seem happy, she becomes unhappy. It’s why he wants you to pretend with her that he’s not happy with you, so that she will stay happy.

    Perhaps he get some type of pleasure in making you and his other jealous, as well. Some men love for women to cat fight over them. It boost their ego and make them feel like a BIG MAN and the women fall right into it.

    It doesn’t bring any peace in his life when he shows you the text he got from her saying she’s hurt that you’re pregnant. He may very well be showing her the texts he gets from you, as well. Did you think about that? When she’s happy, you’re unhappy. When you’re happy, she’s unhappy. He probably shows you and tell you stuff to make you think you’re more important and he probably shows her and tell her stuff to let her know that she’s more important. Then he sends you pics of him being out with her on your night, showing that he’s happy. So much for how your co cares about you that she’d think it’s okay for her to be out with him on nights that he is scheduled to be with you. She doesn’t care anything about you. So, she was helping you that night get to your home. Big whip. Like she wasn’t happy that you just showed your @$$ to her by you and him fighting in front her. Isn’t it what he wanted anyhow – you to have drama in front of her, so she’d think he doesn’t want your baby?

    It doesn’t sound that anyone in that marriage is striving for peace. You had been dying to let her know that you’re pregnant. She said if she becomes pregnant, it’s her business and he tells you that he’s going home to be intimate with her to get her pregnant. It’s all craziness. He does nothing to quell it.

    Where is Allah in the equation? Do you think that the only thing it takes is for you to call on Allah to make things better for you?

  • Marah S

    November 14, 2017

    Saira,
    I’m sorry you’re going through all of this, I know how it is when your pregnant, emotions are so much stronger, even small things can feel like the end of the world let alone what you’re dealing with now. I think if you have no option but to stay with him for now then you’ll have to really be strong and learn to expect his mood swings. Remember that Allah is the most fair and whatever wrong anyone does to you whether it be in your face or behind your back will be answered for. Don’t let your husband, co-wife, or mother in law bring you down, especially when he tries to make you jealous and rub it in your face that he’s doing stuff with his other wife. If you ask me he’s acting really childish anyways. Try not to escalate the fight and just wait out the storm, like you said in a few days he’ll be singing another tune. You’ve come a long way since you first came on the blog, and hopefully whatever direction life takes whether you eventually separate from him or not, I think you’ll be okay.

    In the mean time I think it would really benefit you to try and become more independent. Even if you don’t see a way now make a lot of dua and trust that Allah can open doors to whoever he wills.

    I’m happy to hear you’ll be reunited with your son soon, that’s really good news, and definitely something to be thankful for.

  • Saira

    November 14, 2017

    Sister marsh S
    I have no idea what co and he thinks and talk behind my back
    This is what he been telling me before I had my daughter that co give him hard time and he made me so much suffer in my pregnancy untill I have my daughter Alhamdulih he fell in love with our daughter
    He was unhappy in start and then start showing excitement about this pregnancy
    He been asking me he will do little drama in front of co that he is not happy and ask me do same
    I refuse and Then stayed quite
    I over reacted on other day and when co was trying to show she sympathies vd me I said to her she will have face on vd me once she finds out am pregnant again
    She reacted fine in front of me
    Since then he is in mood wa Allah ho Alim what happend between them and he is very abusing me again
    When I was pregnant vd my daughter he showed me co txt msgs she telling him cheater and that he is hurting her by having baby vd me
    He is the problem him self
    If he been not able to tell both wife’s what Quran says about polygamy then he is in wrong
    I to be honest don’t belive what co says or he says I lost trust in him long ago
    We should only trust Allah
    Allah knows how I try to fix things and same time make my self independent and he ruin all
    My parents and my other car family members keep telling me I have no self respect and I lower my self so much
    Am living a life ppl in Pakistan won’t live
    Saving every penny for him support him when he needed do every thing to fullfil my duties
    I have no life I look after him and kids
    He constant have problems just another day I spend few hours in kitchen making lamb soup
    He came and ask me and said he want to try his turn was to eat at co but I gave him little and he start eating and suddenly he swear and I was shock to hear I said what did u said he smiled and said big chunk of ginger came in my mouth
    I said to him then don’t eat I don’t force u and I swear it was tiny ginger slice cooked 4 hours and was so soft and tender
    He seems like tired person to me and he does every other day to relax and have worry free time when he don’t have to come and give his night to me
    I don’t know in Allah eyes he does right thing by not showing up or not
    But I don’t forgive him for doing that
    It’s like keep one hanging when ever he likes

  • Saira

    November 14, 2017

    Sister Mari 2
    This relationship is like roller coaster before I had my daughter I plan once my daughter is little older I will settle my self and by the time I will have batter way of getting my self a place
    I given up on my house which I had from government it’s been 9 months only
    I am so much dependant on him right now
    I worked for him and still do few days a week and I get money for bills etc and emergency saving money I have but very little
    I feel like cry I just had baby and soon I was getting to the point to be on my feet I am pregnant again
    By start of next year I was gone make descion if we can stay happily or I walk out to be mind free mother to my kids
    I will have my son from previous relationship fully custody in sha Allah by start of next year
    And my lawyer told me to stay quite and let that happend first then think about getting separate
    Now I am pregnant and Allah.knows what this baby will bring and what Allah plan
    I was starting up again my beauty work from home again and now again I can’t for now
    I am so stress out too many things going on and baby on way I am due in may
    Allah knows how I will look after all being pregnant
    I am happy Allah bless me again but all this is too much
    I am not worried he will support kids finance after divorce or not I have social worker who will get out of his pocket any penny which he suppose to give me but I am more of moral support then money
    If he don’t pay any money and be normal and not hot temper I rather have life vd less money
    He send me few txt messages and showing me where he been and what they ate in restaurant in my night and how happy he is
    I said to him what’s for he is doing this after few days he be crying like baby and ask for forgiveness
    Am so sad I feel like falliur as a mother
    Am just thinking about my kids
    I am getting mix emotions when I see my daughter loving him so much I feel I will do bad to her by taking her away from him then when I see this pain I just think it be batter if I live hard but alone life
    I should work out and see how can I stand up and look after my self and kids alone
    Should I just make dua to Allah and leave things in Allah hand or ask Allah for help and make move

  • Marah S

    November 14, 2017

    Saira,

    I’m not one to tell anyone to leave their marriage but I agree with Mari2, your Husband is down right abusive. It sounds like he has a serious problem and he’s always tormenting you, trying to put you down, belittle you, hurt you or threaten you. Then when he’s over it, he’ll act nice and manipulate you into forgetting all the abusive things he’s said. I don’t know what exactly is keeping you in this relationship but you have to think seriously about your self worth and how you deserve to be treated as a human being. You have so many options as a woman living in the west, you don’t need to be at the mercy of a person who treats you this way.

    It really broke my heart when you said you want to know what you’ve done wrong and what you can do to fix it, and that you always mess up something. You cant blame your husbands abusive behavior on yourself, I don’t think you did anything wrong. You lost your temper and maybe acted out a little bit by telling your cowife about the pregnancy out of spite, but that is absolutely no excuse for his behavior.

    Also I see that he constantly tries to pit you and your co-wife against one another. He made a big deal about lying to her so she wouldn’t get upset about your pregnancy but as it turns out it was just him projecting his issues on you and her. As it turns out she reacted in a reasonable and respectful way. But you still fall for his lies and manipulation, even now you’re associating his horrible behavior to you telling your co-wife. You have to stop inserting her into your marriage problems when she has nothing to do with it.

  • Mari2

    November 14, 2017

    Saira,
    I will make dua for you. But I ask you, what will you do for yourself? From what you have written over the past, your husband displays abusive tendencies and primarily uses verbal abuse to hurt you. Then he picks you up with kindness just to hurt you again. It’s an unhealthy cycle that is both detrimental to you and your children. Yet you remain with him. Mostly because you think/fear that without him you won’t have financial support. He uses his support of you as leverage. But guess what? YOU, actually have the leverage if you are living in the UK or other western country.

    First and foremost, no husband can just cast out his pregnant wife and infant on an angry whim. There are laws against that. He can’t refuse to with hold financial support. Laws against that too.

    His abusive texts and behavior are grounds for divorce. Save the texts and consult a lawyer. If you divorce, he has no choice but to be financially obligated to support you and his children. Be pro active. Consult a lawyer. That doesn’t mean you have to file for divorce, but just take a look as to what the law says vs what your husband says.

    If he refuses to pay rent then go to the mosque and ask for some financial help. I am sure they will not let a pregnant sister be tossed onto the street.

    Don’t argue with or try to calm your husband. You’re just playing into his power trip. Be calm yourself and figure out your next move. ALLAH didn’t create you to be helpless. You’re stuck in an ugly cycle that you participate in continuing. Change your participation strategy, look into your rights, pray to ALLAH to guide YOU, not him.

  • Saira

    November 14, 2017

    Salam every one
    Just want to ask you all make dua for me
    Happy was fine and happy about my pregnancy but since I told co it’s been few days now he is giving me hard time calling me names and keep telling me he will leave me and will have to live a single life
    And so much abusive words he is saying .
    Keep reminding me how much he spend on food cloths etc for me and am demanding more and that he won’t buy us or rent us bigger house now
    And I am lucky enough if he let me have his flat where I am living at the moment
    I am trying to stay calm but am keep crying when ever he txt me and say bad things
    He even saying to me how he love co body and how he will go home and intimate with her and make her pregnant
    I have no idea why he is keep getting mad
    Some of his abusive msgs I replied and I said bad to but he is off the humen chart when he abuse
    He said he intimate with me and that is how he pays me back by letting me live in his property for now
    He keep txting me and saying move out from his place so he can have his place back
    I tried to calm him down in nice txt but he is constant saying move out
    I then said I will never move out and if I did only when I have another place and he then said ok
    I only work little and earn little and vd young baby and pregnant I can’t find place and move on
    Before I got pregnant I had in my mind to stand up on my feet and earn so when ever he behave like that I have back up but he knows now I can’t now

  • Saira

    November 14, 2017

    Salam all
    Sister Ana just wanted to share with and ask your opinion what shall I do and what possibly I done wrong and how to correct it now
    Sorry I always comes and ask when I mess up something 😣
    As I told you co or family didn’t know about my pregnancy and my husband suggested that he will or I will tell co do little drama and show her thay hubby is not happy about me being pregnant and I show her that he is very angry and I refuse that and told him if he will lie and she ask me I will tell her truth .
    I have young baby and I need help when he is around to lift her if I am feeding her and she fell asleep and I hated it he don’t show any care when we all togater he just order we should do this and this
    Every body just order what to eat and like to have party when we have one day togater and I ended up doing all from one dish to two and two to three
    And he don’t like to help around or even care
    And In top of that baby cries and he can’t even feed her
    Co does help around but good as nothing when am around I just got freaked out
    They went to drop car somewhere and left all house on me and kids screaming all togater and mess every where
    I was over tired I called and ask how long they be and he answer so rude and said we in motor way what shall we do fly and I can’t even Remeber what he said but I was over tired I told him piss off and cut phone he then phone again and I spoke more rude and when he came he was were u jelous I freak out more and get my things and told co to drop me home he was Spouse to stay at mine and coz I was ready to leave and ask co he sat there and said ok go u ask her now she will drop u
    I swear at him and said stay where ever
    Co drop me and was trying to show sympathy and I spoke to her and said oh plz let me go she wanted to help me with my stuff and drop me till my door I said to her oh plz go to him and show your love to him after u find out I am pregnant u will make puff fuss any way she then said she been guessing am pregnant
    I said I don’t care what u guess or not
    I am pregnant and his wife no body should have any issue she then said if you pregnant its your life and your kids and its not my business and if am pregnant it’s my business .
    She left and I came straight to bed and lye down and kept baby vd me and slept
    I woke up middle of night and send few msgs to hubby saying he should have come it’s my night and he love to stay co place and bla bla
    He never replied I slept and woke up next morning
    All day he didn’t txt or reply and he show up in evening
    He was all ok never said any thing and in morning time he was talking all about co
    Then he said kids got scared. As I was so angry and why I involve co in all this he was just talking as if I done something to co
    I said well I only told her am pregnant and now she is showing she is ok but after some days she will have face on
    Lol kids got scared real drama he was fully angry on me for making co feel bad
    I never said any thing to her I just stop her helping me vd bags and that’s all we spoke
    All evening I been cooking and feeding kids and the time I buy them gifts and treat them vd so much love
    Cook for them in my own night and call them to have night
    I didn’t even said any thing to them and this is what they think
    His son is 12 in past as well they caused so much fight between us
    I feel more hurt when he don’t see all that
    He do know his kids have problem they lie so much
    And I only spoke vd him over the phone and didn’t even said any thing to kids and they were in their rooms when I called and he telling me kids got scared
    In past kids seen him getting so mad at me they didn’t got scared that time
    I got angry on him over the phone and his kids angry.
    He even said I have poison in my heart for his kids
    My ass got real burn to hear him saying I have poison in my heart for his kids
    I can’t write here or explain any one what I did and do and will still do for the kids in future but am so hurt to hear this is what these two think about me
    His close family don’t come and help them out in day to day life and am stupid Always burn my ass of for the big whole family
    I might have got angry or over reacted vd him but he should know am pregnant and all this is stress full for me but decided to tell me I should leave him and get divorce from him and take my kids away from him
    But in one or two days time when kids will do some thing silly and get call from school or co never wake up all day or take them to school or cook for kids and mess in house then again story starts
    It’s been 4 weeks every weekend I stand cook stand. Cook and by the time I about to eat food finish for me
    I decided to cut off this gathering and stay at home and let them have their own way

  • Marah S

    November 12, 2017

    Thanks everyone all the advice, you all are so amazing.

    Rosa, you hit the nail on the head that’s exactly what I do until there’s like three minutes left and then I run and pray so fast I can’t remember what Surah’s I even recited or sometimes what rakah I’m on. I think I’ll try just cutting it all out and make getting back on track a priority.

    Anabellah, I see where you’re coming from about him wanting to be alone. I assumed it was depression although he’s never told me himself that he’s depressed, maybe I’m understanding him wrong. I guess I could try to look at it the way you explained instead of in a negative way. Maybe I’m too caught up in wanting him to be and behave as I want him to and I start to resent him when he doesn’t.

    Serena, loneliness is definitely part of it. I haven’t seen my family in three years. He has his family here and we see them frequently but Im not all that close to any of them. He has 8 brothers and sisters but only his mom and one of his brothers are Muslim, the rest of them apostated so he’s not really close to them either. I really don’t know if he’s always been one to be alone but I’ve been told that even before marriage he was always a book worm and always studying.

    I’m definitely going to try and get out more frequently, during the summer I had started doing some of my walks outside instead of on my treadmill and also bike riding which I really loved. It’s cold now so I’ll have to find some local activities to do with my daughter.

  • anabellah

    November 12, 2017

    Mara S,

    A while back, you wrote that you Hardly go out the house. It’s so important that you get fresh air and sunshine in order to feel good. You had said that your husband and you went for a walk with the baby after we all discussed it with you before. As Serena said, you and he need to get out and just get a breath of fresh air and breathe. Be a part of nature. It’ll make you feel alive again!

  • Serena

    November 12, 2017

    Nura

    Thanks for replying.

    I agree woman need be educated about their rights especially the ones who grew up in a house were culture ruled and they think that’s normal.

    May Allah reward you for taking time to advice the sisters here.

  • Serena

    November 12, 2017

    Asalaam alaikum

    Marah S

    I think it’s the loneliness getting to both of you. I noticed from your post you said you would move closer to your family. Do you see your family often and do they visit you? Same for your husband does he still keep in contact with his family?

    Has your husband always been the type to spend a lot of time alone? There might be an underlying reason why he prefers to be alone.

    Sorry for the many questions which you don’t have to answer here.

    Maybe you are suffering from post natal depression? Have you two thought about marriage counselling? If husband doesn’t want to get some for yourself.

    As for the music and tv etc don’t let them distract you. It’s just shaytan getting you to delay salah and be neglectful with remembering Allah.

    From what it sounds your husband and you don’t have major issues. He said you are not the cause of his depression.

    Why don’t you all go on holiday together if you are able to.aybe change of environment might do good inshaAllah. Otherwise just go out together. Spend time together outside the house.

    You said you both had broken homes and don’t want the same in your marriage. Just remember that so you work on making your marriage rather than breaking it.

    I hope Allah helps you and blesses your marriage with success.

  • anabellah

    November 12, 2017

    Marah S,

    I could relate to your husband to a degree. If you remember, I’ve spoken of being obsessed with death and the Hereafter. It’s okay based on Islamic material that I’ve read over the years and, in fact, it’s a good thing. It reminds one that this life is temporary and Allah could seize our souls at anytime. Reading in the Quran about the Hereafter, especially what the Hellfire will be like for those who enter it is enough to scare one straight. I’m not concerned with being foremost in faith in Paradise. I just pray I get in even if it’s by the skin of my chin(ney) chin, chin. Being in the Hellfire for a mere second scares the daylight out of me.

    About your husband wanting to move far, far away from everyone and be alone, my wali has expressed having that feeling at one time or another. I’ve read in Islamic material as well that those close to Allah get disgusted at mixing up with people. I prefer not to be with them. If one is with the wrong people, those who aren’t focused on Allah, one easily goes astray, meaning begin to act like them and be like them, even think like them etc. It’s inevitable. The company one keeps is important.

    It’s not a bad thing that your husband doesn’t care about the worldly life anymore. This life is an illusion and it’s temporary. Allah says this life is to let us see who is best in conduct etc. It’s a probationary period. So, is your husband depressed or is it something more and better. Allah knows best.

    Sometimes I’m like – is this all there is to life – there’s got to be a better way. A better way is Jannah/Paradise. Those are my thoughts on what you’ve stated about your husband.

    I’m not really sure your husband is all that wrong, based on the little that you’ve shared with us. Maybe he’s not all romantic and into you as you’d like. I can understand where you’re coming from if you want more from him and he just doesn’t seem to be able to give it.

    Insha Allah, if you go on a “short vacation” and is away from him for a while, you’ll begin to miss him and feel the love. A separation period may do you both some good…

  • Nura

    November 12, 2017

    To my sister hayat I admire you for your imam mansha allah. I don’t think I am capable of living far from my family in a different country where I am being treated like I don’t exist. I can imagine how paint it’s to be treated like you are less important then the natives of Saudi. My sister I need you to remember allah loves those who convie in him. If you are being told due to the law you must remain secret then I think the best thing to do is to go home where you are loved and cherished. Go home where your people know you and respect you. If your husband care about you he will find a way to come be with you in the Filipinos. If it’s meant to be you will find ways to be together but for allah sake if you get ill today who would look after you and your daughter . To this people you don’t exist. If a men loves a woman they will cross an ocean to be with her. My sister I am asking allah to help you find the easy path insha allah.

  • Nura

    November 12, 2017

    ASC I wanted to quickly remind my sister marah whom lost motivation and now is slipping to the route of shaytan , to freeze for a moment and retrace your life and pinpoint where things went wrong…. now if your husband brings the worst out of you, try to distant yourself self. Pray to allah,ask for forgiveness and stay focused on yourself. Pretend your husband doesn’t exist or maybe even move back with your parents for couple of months and ask him to give you space. I don’t like to advice sisters to leave their husband but if his making you hate life or be far from taqwah due to his resentment it’s an issue. The point marriage is to remind eachother to focus on the relationship of allah and to bring the best of eachother. If none of those are coming out of this marriage then it’s fitna. We must avoid the things that push us away from allah. Thank you for sharing your stress may allah take your paint away.

  • Rosa

    November 11, 2017

    Marah S

    I went through this phase as well well somewhat. I was trying to numb my pain caused from being in a polygamous marriage so I would watch movies etc and gradually that started making me delay my salat until the last minute. I kept saying in ten minutes in five minutes then when I did make salat I couldn’t remember which rakat I was on and overall what was once so easy for me to do became a burden. It felt like a lot. I was moody as well. Low tolerance. So I stopped all those things that distracted me from Allah that took valuable time I could use worshipping Him. Surely ONLY in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find peace. I think it’s something spiritual. But my heart started feeling lighter and at ease. Those things are just temporary fixes but can do permanent damage. Some ppl can do those things and still worship Allah on time and with a clear heart some can’t. I don’t like getting ink religious disputes so will stop here. I could relate to ur post so decided to advise u on what helped me InshaAllah you will find it helpful. Take care

  • Marah S

    November 11, 2017

    I think my husband may be depressed too but I don’t know, we had a talk a while ago where he expressed that he feels like there’s something missing in his life and it’s not about more wives or more kids and in fact he often thinks about moving far far away from everyone and being alone. I don’t know how much more alone time a person can need when he spends most of his time alone anyways. He also said that he’s constantly thinking about death and the afterlife and he doesn’t care about this worldly life anymore. I don’t know how to help him with those feelings it’s far beyond my capabilities and I feel like I’m the one making him depressed even though he says I’m not.

    It’s just crazy how life can change, three years ago before we got married we talked so much about how we never wanted to divorce because we both grew up in broken homes and didn’t want to repeat history but now I feel like that’s exactly where we’re headed, sigh. The issues we have aren’t even that outrageous but neither one of us have the energy to fight for each other and mend the relationship anymore,

    I’m planning a short vacation just me and my daughter in a few months so hopefully the distance can help us get back to a better relationship again.

  • Marah S

    November 11, 2017

    I imagine If a divorce were to happen I would use my savings to get an apartment back In my hometown where I can live around family. Hopefully start my career and be a working, single, independent mom. I guess a lot of times when I reflect on my marriage and men in general I feel like being in this relationship has added no value to my life other then my daughter. I’ve never been a romantic person anyways and I don’t get any romance, friendship, or feeling of companionship from my husband, I’m very confident in my financial ability to maintain myself and my baby comfortably, and I don’t fear being alone, so I don’t know I’m not seeing the benefit, marriage is not what I expected lol. Maybe I’m being ridiculous which I’d love to know if I am haha! Sometimes I think the only reason I didn’t walk away a long time ago is because I don’t want the humiliation of being divorced especially when so many people were so against and angry about me marrying outside of my race in the first place. But at the same time I’m only 25 and I know if I call it quits I might regret it in the future.

    When I was in high school and early college years I was in a band and I played guitar and piano lol! Music was literally my life, so when I started practicing Islam I cut it off so I can focus on other, more important things.

    Honestly I have no idea what’s missing from my life, but I agree that I need to put all my effort into getting back on track, it should be my first priority. Thank god I can vent here because I have literally no one to talk to about my issues, I never tell my family or friends about my marriage problems, so for all they know my husband and I are still madly in love and the happiest couple ever. I think my mom senses that marriage is part of what’s bringing me down because she’s always asking sly questions but I always tell her “no it’s not him, we’re doing great”

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2017

    Marah S,

    Maybe it’s all it is – just a “rough patch”, but now it’s time to pull yourself together and get back on track. You’ve got to make it your intention. If you give up on remembering Allah – prayer, reading the Quran etc. then you are definitely going in the wrong directing spiraling on a downhill slope.

    Okay, maybe you can’t stand your husband and want to leave him, but where do you intend to go – home with mom? Okay, unless you intend to go out there on the town and live a life as a non-Muslim. Now that’s a different story.

    I mean, I listen to a song here or there. Just the other day I played a song on my phone while driving home. I don’t listen to songs on a regular because they end up playing over and over in my head and I can barely get them out LOL Now, that’s frustrating, being unable to turn off replay in my head. LOL I’ll watch a movie now and again or I’ll watch my favorite shows with my husband.

    It’s important not to get so preoccupied with those things that they replace our valuable time that should be used to worship Allah – all our daily chores and work, professions etc. are all part of worship for the “believers”. I’m sure you know all this already.

    So, what’s really going on with you? It sounds that you’re depressed. What is not happening in your life that you want to happen? We all would like things to be different in our lives and get frustrated to a degree. Every day is not the same. One day we could be happy as a lark and the next wondering what the hell happened since yesterday LOL What do you think is ailing you? I just dunno… Just remember that all that glitters is not gold – if you’re thinking of venturing out there…

  • Marah S

    November 11, 2017

    So I’ve been going through a rough patch the past few months. I don’t have much motivation to do the things I used to like memorizing Quran or even reading it, I’m struggling to pray on time let alone get up for night prayer like I used to. I think my marriage is a major stressor but it’s not the only reason. I mean I was just typing away a long post about how much I can’t stand my husband and how I’m ready to leave him, then he came and interrupted me and we sort of talked it out. Unfortunately I have no hope that this peace will last too long before the next issue comes between us.

    I don’t feel like myself anymore. A lot of my views on life have been changing and I don’t feel that drive to push myself to do these things anymore. I don’t want to say I don’t care but I’ve kind of given up, I’m tired of constantly fighting myself to do certain things and always ending up in the same spot. And it’s not just Islamic studies, I had enrolled in a Phd program but I had to drop out because I couldn’t find the motivation to study. I don’t know what to do, I’m feeling stuck in this hole with so many things in life dragging me down, even my mom told me the other day I seem to be in a bad mood every other day and it’s true.

    I’ve started listening to music like all day every day like I used to when I was young and troubled, I haven’t listened to music in years. I spend a lot of time reading fiction books to have that temporary happiness or entertainment and keep my mind busy and also watching a lot more tv, basically just going through the motions and keeping myself busy and distracted but none of it really makes me happy, I feel overall really down.

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2017

    Hayati, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Alhumdulliah your little daughter is 5 months old now. She must be so very beautiful. It’s nice of you to stop back in here to chat with us; although things do not seem to have gotten much better between you and your husband.

    I couldn’t quite remember your story, so I went back and read your previous posts that you made back in August 2017. For others who don’t remember what you said, I’ll recap here:

    Hayati is Filipina and her husband is a Saudi. She is an expatriate living in Saudi Arabia. She and her husband are married two years. Their marriage is a “Misyar Marriage“. If I recall correctly, it’s a marriage in which a wife forego her any rights to support etc from her husband. Hayati and her husband had to go that route because for him (a Saudi) to marry a foreigner, he’d have to get the permission of the Saudi government. The government is reluctant to grant permission for such a marriage due to the number of Saudi women who need husbands.

    Hayati, I could imagine how difficult it is for you to live as a secret wife. It can’t be easy for you with your daughter.

    I understand how things change. Your feelings and thoughts about your husband and your marriage are different than when you first agreed to the terms of your marriage. Nonetheless, you agreed. You both consented to the arrangement. I suppose it was a factor for him to agree to marry you from the onset. It’s not as though he lied to you, and said he’d tell his wife and everyone about you or anything of the sought. You knew the conditions and why they were.

    If he can’t give you what you need, then you may have to make your intention to live life with him as it is now or take your child and go home to your family in the Philippines. In your earlier post, you stated your husband did not put his name on your daughter’s birth certificate, so that you could travel with her without any complications. Thank Allah much for that.

    You said that you would advise any woman who is in a polygamous marriage not to bring a baby into a marriage in which her husband doesn’t want her to meet his other wife. Well, I’d advise all women not to marry men who make them secrets. If a man can’t find it within himself to tell his wife and his family about another woman who he intends to marry, then she would be foolish to marry him. Anytime a man wants to keep his wife a secret, it speaks volume about what he thinks of her and how he sees her. He has no business marrying another woman, if he can’t stand up as a man and live in a polygamous marriage with dignity, truth and honor.

    So, Hayati, what do you intend to do? Stay and take it (continue to live with him under the current conditions and circumstances) or go home to your family in the Philippines and get on with living your life, hopefully with some sense of peace and contentment and for the better…

  • Nura

    November 11, 2017

    Thank you so much sister Serena lol I been busy with kiddos. Thank you sister for your kind words … sometimes my own friends tease me to be a famines… but to be honesty I like to advice all the sisters to know their rights I will never advice one to cross her husband or to mistreat. Allah tells as to obey and respect our husband. But what if the husband is stepping on your rights. You need to know your limits as far as the religion and you need to be educated enough to be able to defend your ground. We are all humans and we intend to make mistakes but sometimes when someone is hurting you in order to please another person you got to tell them the truth. Stay strong my sister and remember put your self first always.

  • Hayati

    November 11, 2017

    Assalam’malaikum waramatulahi wa’barakatuh!
    Hello everyone hope you are all doing well,it’s been how many months now since the last time I shared my life here.i am so grateful that sister annabelah made this site so that those women like me who’s going through a lot of struggles specially in polygamous marriage can open or share their experiences through this site..well,in regards about me until now my husband doesn’t have any balls to tell his 1st wife about me and our baby girl.Mashaallah! today she is turning 5 months Alhamdulilah..last 4 days ago I had a big fight with husband because until now he can’t stay whole day with us.most of the time he stayed with me 4 to 5 hours only every other day..I felt sad about it coz I want to have an equal time from his first wife but since the co doesn’t know anything about me(I doubt now,coz last time they had a big fight.its been a year now that he found out the first wife save my number in her phone.and she knew my name..they have 6 kids together,my husband is older than me 6 years and his wife is older than him 6 years also..I told him why until now he can’t tell her that he has a second wife and we have a baby together .he told me that his wife had a heart transplant before that’s why he can’t tell her..I don’t know if it’s true or not but honestly I doubt if I can still longer hold in this marriage.last 4 days I told him that I want to divorce him..and in that 4 days he tried to call and talk to me but I don’t answer his calls.i am really serious about my decision..he told me that I have a lot of problems specially in his business..to those women who are married in polygamous marriage my only advice is don’t bring a baby in this marriage if he doesn’t want you to meet his wife first ..I’m telling you it’s hard we still have a choice it’s either you hold on or let go the choice is yours I pray to Allah that He will help us to ease this burden and struggles that we are facing in this polygamous marriage..

  • anabellah

    November 11, 2017

    Zara, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m so glad to hear that the blog has been helpful to you. I could imagine how difficult it’s been for you in trying to cope with your husband and his addiction. Your post is a wonderful reminder that – as you stated – we all face problems in our lives one way or another, (it’s not just about polygamy) and the only solution is to turn to Allah for His help, guidance, mercy and forgiveness. No one is exempt. Those out there searching for a perfect life on this planet are deluded and so far away from the truth and what is real.

    Allah tells us that He created us into toil and struggle. He says that He tests us with one another. You’ve reminded us all of that. Alhumdulliah. We’re supposed to remind one another. I could only imagine how difficult it is for your husband, as well, in his struggle with the problem that he has.

    You’re doing the right thing by turning all your attention to Allah. Allah tells us that all we need to know to live this life in a state of comfort and ease is in the Quran. We need to live it and learn it. Life keeps getting easier when we do. Although it will never be the ideal. It will be so much easier to deal it. The Quran is our guide and a mercy for us, as well as a warning.

    There is a beauty in all that you’ve been through – it has brought you nearer to Allah. Our hardships and difficulties can do that, and when it does we’ve got a shot at entering Jannah. It much to be thankful for.

    Zara, thank you for sharing your story with us. Keep up the good work. Don’t despair. Stay strong. Insha Allah your husband will get better soon. {{{hugs}}}

  • Next

    November 10, 2017

    I hit post too soon and tried to write more but ran out of time.

    I wanted to add that I was supposed to fly back to him today according to our plan we made a couple months ago. But I stood my ground and I did not take the flight. I’m still safe at home and very serious about not going back to him again until she knows.

    I also took the additional step of cutting back my communication with him. Previously we would spend upwards of 16 hours a day on the phone keeping the line open even when we slept and worked. Now I have limited the calls down so we only talk 15 minutes to an hour per day. It’s hard for me because I miss him so much and he is miserable and upset and has cried and demanded that I give him his rights when he wants to speak with me but I’m serious that things need to be correct with us and they’re not right now. So it is what it is. Either he will do the right thing or he won’t. I don’t much think he ever will.

  • Next

    November 10, 2017

    Next and Lurker,

    I am late in replying and I apologize for that. He is Jordanian. I am American. He has absolutely no interest in ever coming here, even for a visit. Instead it is I who will relocate to where he is and as strange as it may seem I am very excited to relocate there.

    His other wife is not his cousin. But she is the daughter of his parents best and lifelong friends. She is actually his second wife, not the first one. He divorced the first one. Because of this I am certain there will be big issues when he brings me home to meet his parents and siblings which he has planned for this summer. He says others in his family are polygamous so it will be easily accepted but if that were indeed true then why the secrecy right now.

    It just doesn’t add up

  • Zara

    November 10, 2017

    Weather were in a polygamous marriage or not, divorced, widowed, separated or single we will all face problems in our life one way or another and the solution is to turn to out created Allah swa. Anna your straight talking no nonsence advice has helped hit the nail on the head for many of us.

  • Zara

    November 10, 2017

    I’m not in a polygamous marriage, however my marriage of 15 yrs has has been faced with similar difficultues. I have come to this blog on many times during hardship, and reading advice given to other situations had lifted me up, when I was desperately down.
    My husband had a gambling addiction, his other wife in my eyes was the casinos. He would be in the company of the cadions for upto 2 days non stop, eat and drink there and only come home for his sleep, and the next day do it all over again. During his 15yrs of addiction when he wad not asleep or work all his time was spent gambling away from home, he wouldn’t acknowledge his 3 young children, never baby talk to them or do kiddie stuff with them. After the first year he got into so much debt but carried on gambling and at the same time stopped paying for any food or bills and this carried on for the next 14 yrs. Arguments grew thin and thinner over time I got fed up of fighting the same issue, but alhumdulila my iman grew stronger and stronger. My salat and duas would last longer and longer, the tears would sting my already drained eyes. I could see all the wrong my husband was doing but his eyes were blinded to the haram he was commiting. Over the years it wasnt easy I tried with all might to stay strong in my imam but their were days when the shaitan pulled me down, I hated those dark days filled with depression, but going on YouTube listening to inspirationally lectures about Islam helped me to realise this isn’t our life were in it for a test, before I used to pass everyday without remembering Allah, and naw alhumdulila it has over the years brought me closer. Its painfall to go through difficulties in ones life, at the time you can’t see it only later do you realise the wisdom behind Allah’s planning. Its not easy to understand other peoples problems, as only Allah knows what’s in the heart and mind of a crying soul.

  • Serena

    November 9, 2017

    Sister Nura

    Aslaam alaikum

    You sound like a nice person mashaAllah who knows what they are talking about. It’s nice having someone give positive suggestions in seemingly difficult situations.

    You remind me of sis Tunis. Many of her posts were full of positive advice. I hope she is ok.

  • Serena

    November 9, 2017

    Walaikum asalaam Ana

    Alhumdulillah it’s been fixed.

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2017

    Serena, As Salaamu Alaikum

    For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what went wrong. I created another post/theme for November 2017, deleted the other one and moved all the comments to the new post/theme.

    Thank you, again, for alerting me to the problem. Many times I don’t know something is wrong unless you all let me know. Insha Allah, it was just a fluke and won’t happen again. Sigh…

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2017

    Thank you, sister Nura. It’s a pleasure chatting with you and all the wonderful ladies here on the blog. I’m so grateful to Allah for bringing us all together. It’s an amazing experience. Insha Allah, I’ll keep you all up to date on the progress of the non-profit. 🙂

  • Nura

    November 8, 2017

    ASC sister Annabellah.. Thank you for checking up on us we appreciate to have someone who understands our situation. I am allah to help you find the perfect place for your organization.. somewhere peaceful where our Muslim sisters feel protected. I am sure you will will have no problem getting clients or making connections.

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2017

    Tunis, Karima and everyone else out therehttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif How ya’ll doing? As Salaamu Alaikum!

    I’m assuming everyone is well and just staying alive and living life.https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    I know Ummof4’s been busy. I’ve been working on my Non-Profit organization, getting organized, searching for a building to buy etc a place to help Muslim Sisters here in the beautiful Garden State of New Jersey. So, it’s keeping me busy in the planning stages, reading and learning a lot about how non-profits work and all https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif Working on stuff like it and the blog is what brings me the most joy.

    I can’t think of any articles/posts to write about polygamy. I just haven’t been much inspired to write lately. Insha Allah, something will come to mind, sooner or later.

    Just wanted to say, hey, to you allhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2017

    Sister Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum

    You’re doing really good. Definitely don’t worry about what your co may think if your husband tells her that he’s not happy about you being pregnant. People are known to believe what they want to believe. If it makes your co feel good to think that your husband isn’t happy about you having another baby, then that’s on her. You’re not responsible what what she thinks or feels about it. She won’t be the first woman who felt the need to think her husband wasn’t happy about his other wife having a baby. There’s been women who have come to this blog and said their husbands weren’t happy that the co-wives were pregnant but were happy that they were. Surely there are many men who will tell women what they know the women want to hear just so that they could keep the peace. Also, it amazes me that there are women who tell their husbands not to have any more children with the other wives and the men go along with it. It’s very sad.

    If you should meet up with your co and she asks you how you’re doing, why not tell her how you’re feeling and that you’re expecting a child? It’s nothing to hide. You’re married and he’s your husband. It’s on you to stand tall and own it. Don’t wait for someone else to make you feel that you matter and are important just as much as the other person is. Now, of course, don’t call her up out of the blue and tell her that you’re pregnant, as that is not necessary. To do that is just trying to cause problems and agitate and upset someone. Let things occur naturally.

  • Saira

    November 7, 2017

    JazakAllah sister nura
    Alhamdulih you gave me beautiful advice
    I was worried to think what she will think about me that my husband not happy when I get pregnant
    But Yes I should not focus on what she like to hear or what he says to her
    I already told him if she come up vd me ask try to show her support for him not being happy I will tell her he is very happy and Alhamdulih it’s gift from Allah
    He then replied me in afternoon saying it’s his problem how he will tell her and I should be happy and just focus on my health and Allah
    I told him am very happy what ever he tells but I will tel truth
    Now only time will tell what lie comes up but am keeping my head up highly this time in sha Allah

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2017

    Saira,

    I agree with Nura and couldn’t say it any better than what she said or how she said it. She gave you good advice! Alhumdulliah!

  • Nura

    November 7, 2017

    ASC my beautiful sister I am asking allah to ease all your worries. I want you to know allah is the only creator. And children are the gift of allah … if your husband rather lie to his first wive my regretting allah gift or pretending his disappointed by allah gift it’s a shame. It’s a shame that she only gets happy when he creates drama with you. I know if he decides he will probably lie to her but that’s not for you to worry about. His earning bad deeds. You need to imbrace your pregnancy and take care of your self. Don’t worry about her exceptence or if she’s please with him that’s for him to worry about. You need to love yourself and children. Take care of your health. If she approach you about how disappointed your husband is with the situation just tell her thats not what he told me. Smile with your head up and walk away. But if he wants you to be part of acting then don’t except allah could be angry with you for that. May allah show us the right path.

  • Saira

    November 7, 2017

    Salam ladies
    Sister Ana I have question to ask you and other sisters and looking for advice according the right way of doing it
    As you always comes up with logic and real solution

    As you know I have mention before in my post that am pregnant again and my baby is under a year old
    My Hubby had problem at first and I refuse to think of any thing else and wanted to carry on with my pregnancy
    He then agree with me that it’s from Allah and we should be happy what ever Allah and how Allah bless us
    So far Alhamdulih he has not gave me a tiny tension about my pregnancy and what we will have boy or girl
    He seems very positive and even suggest we should buy baby girl stuff as well and be happy if Allah give us another daughter
    He surprise me so much with his behaviour
    Am so happy Alhamdulih
    But in this morning he was asking how to tell co and what to tell her and he ask if he can lie to her that he is not happy and do little drama in front of her
    Just to keep her happy
    I freaked out and said I don’t want to play any drama I am your wife and pregnant and it’s our child we created togater and Alhamdulih we both happy and I will not let him do any lie or drama this time to please any one
    If she has problem it’s her problem and he should tell her what ever wAy but if she ask me I will tell her what he said about doing drama
    He then plz help me it’s just to keep her happy
    I told him no for any drama and so far have not told any family yet
    He is willing to tell them but I told him I don’t want any tension at all
    If any one unhappy he can lie or what ever but I won’t lie about anything
    Then he said he won’t tell co yet and he will wait for sometime and he will tell her
    I know for sure he will do some lie
    I am so hurt he is my husband and he is doing stupid drama for my pregnancy
    As to show it’s not planned and he is not happy
    I can’t help it been thinking to call co and tell her
    But am worried he will start fighting vd me like last pregnancy he gave me hard time
    I am so confuse please advice me. What shall I do
    W Salam

  • anabellah

    November 6, 2017

    Anytime a man tells the woman whom he intends to marry that she has got to be a secret after they are married, it should immediately signal that something is WRONG!https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif It makes no sense that the man would hide and lie about something as special and beautiful as sacred matrimony. If he doesn’t reveal his intentions before the marriage, however, calls on it to be a secret, it darn sure will be more difficult for him to reveal it afterwards. She’s just asking for trouble, if she goes along with such a thing.

    Ladies, be smart. Don’t fall for the okie doke…

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2017

    Next,

    If you don’t mind me asking, what type of marriage ceremony did you have? Who all were present to witness your vows. Of course, I’m not asking for names. I mean; was his brothers, friends or others there? Did it take place in a masjid (mosque)?

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2017

    lurker, Hey there https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Thanks for stopping in and for replying to “Next”. You asked her some good questions. I’m wondering what his nationality/ethnicity is.

    @Next,

    Have you looked into his culture and determined what his people’s views of polygamy are? For instance, if he’s Pakistani, I’ve come to learn from being on this blog that the majority of them are not receptive to polygamy. It’s a no, no… You may need to deal with cultural issues, as well. Many people who say they are Muslim don’t accept the whole Quran. Many don’t even know what is in it. They just go with whatever they read online or what they hear from other people.

    So many people out there take what they hear from others as being the absolute truth. They don’t try to qualify it or anything. They just hear it and believe it. They don’t question the source SMH. It amazes me.

  • lurker

    November 5, 2017

    Hello sweet ladies! it’s been a bit since i stopped in here and realized how much i missed it! 🙂 So, but just wanted to comment on next’s situation…she met him online in a game, are you sure he isn’t using you for immigration purposes in the future? did he marry a cousin? that is so wrong to keep it a secret, ugh, men. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2017

    Next,

    I agree with Nura 100%. Allah says He created us in perfect proportion, and He made our shapes beautiful. He formed us exactly as we should be. Don’t compare yourself with his other wife. As Nura stated, He made us all different. He said if He wanted us all to be the same, He would have created us that way. He created us of all colors, languages etc. Don’t look down on yourself, as you do and don’t praise another so highly, as you do. You don’t even know that woman. All praise is due to Allah.

    As Nura said, just because you can’t have children doesn’t mean that you are less than a woman. It doesn’t mean that you have to settle for less. Think good about yourself and keep your head held high. Keep striving to do the right thing.

    I hope that you continue with Islam despite what becomes of your marriage. So often women say they accept Islam to get a husband and leave Islam when the husband leaves her or she leaves him. You said you slipped away from Islam because the masjid was 2 hours from your home. Allah tells us to make our homes our masjid. Not having a masjid nearby is no excuse not to live Islam. If you truly want to live Islam, He will put people in your path to live it with you. I’m a prime example of it. I am a revert too with NO Muslim family members. I’ve never left Islam in the over 30 years of accepting Islam. I thank Allah much for it and pray that He keeps me on the straight path. You can do it with the help and permission of Allah.

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2017

    Next,

    You’re viewing her idealistically in your head. You’re not dealing with it realistically. No woman wants to share a husband, especially one who was monogamous to begin with and didn’t sign up for it. Nobody knows how they will be in a situation until they are in it.

    He knows his wife and he knows she will probably ask for a divorce when she learns about you. I don’t know if she has family who would support her in getting a divorce and leaving him or not. Allah knows best how it will all go down.

    You and he did things backwards. He is wrong to keep you a secret from her and to hide you as his wife. I don’t blame you for not going back there until he tells her. If you do, you’re simply stooping to the level of being like a “mistress”, going to lay with him in secret and not with the status and respect of the wife that you are. It’s what I think about it.

    You sound like a very nice person who wants to do the right thing. It’s sad that you as a new revert has to deal with something like what you’re going through with a man who should maintain and protect you. Many a revert get taken advantaged of by selfish men.

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2017

    Next,

    Polygamy is a whole different ballgame, believe you, me. Even if she thinks she’s righteous and pious and is doing all the right things, polygamy has a way of waking us up and letting us know that we are sooooooo far away from what and where we thought we were in faith. Polygamy is probably the most painful, agonizing, devastating thing that could happen to a wife in a monogamous marriage who never suspected her husband would marry another woman. Your husband probably knows that, which is one reason he doesn’t want her to know about you.

    If she is a stay at home mom with a couple of small children whom she is struggling to care for alone, she is certain to feel some kind of way about him marrying another woman, and it won’t be warm and fuzzy. You best believe that she will be destroyed by it. Offering the prayers, fasting, reading Quran (righteous deeds) may be easy for her. Sharing a husband may be a test that she never expected, and the hardest, most painful test that she’ll ever take. Tests aren’t easy. Allah says He will test the believers.

  • anabellah

    November 3, 2017

    Next,

    I agree with you that to perpetrate a fraud, which your husband wants to do in introducing you as a friend to his wife, and then tell her that he wants to marry you is terrible indeed. I doubt that his wife is stupid, no woman would fall for that. Does he really think that she won’t become suspicious that he was romantically involved with you before he brought you there to her? Besides it being a lie, she may very well resent that you, as her new friend, wants to marry her husband. I can see it being the end of the friendship, if it even begins.

    You said she is so righteous and pious, but just how do you know how righteous and pious she is? Have you seen her offering the salat (prayers) and fast. Some people offer the salat only at the masjid on Fridays or during the Holy month of Ramadan to be seen by men (as in mankind). A child can imitate someone offering the salat. How about what she believes? Righteousness and piety is based on BELIEFS and righteous deeds. You know about some of the righteous deeds that she supposedly does such as praying and fasting, but you don’t know it firsthand. You only know what your husband tells you and you know he can LIE, hide or omit info.

    Even if his other wife prays and fasts, it may be easy for her. Allah determines those acts, as well, which is probably a bit over your head right now, as you’re new to Islam. Insha Allah, you’ll learn it in time. It’s okay.

  • Nura

    November 3, 2017

    ASC sister anabellah rised some interesting point of view, My advise to my sister in slam is …your husband does not have the right intentions. When you flew there to be with him if his serious he would introduce you to his family and wive. Marriage is something to be proud of not something to hide. And far as you comparing your self to his other wive is wrong.. allah our creator,created each individual differently even identical twins he says in his quran “fii ayi suratin mashaa a rakabak.”Which means I create my creation however I please. That tells you,you are beautiful creation of allah. You are not defective,and for you not to be able to bare children doesn’t make you less than a woman. You deserve someone to love you and cherish just like the rest of us. The are many woman’s who can’t bare a children just as there are many children who have no mothers. Allah has his reasons and just because you can’t have a children doesn’t mean you can’t be a mom. My dear sister please think of your needs. Put yourselve first always.

  • Next

    November 3, 2017

    Annabellah,

    I think part of why I compare myself to her is that I find it hard to believe he will ever risk losing her by telling her. I look at her and I look at me and I am certain she will never know for that reason. And it is sad. She is a strong woman who does her prayers and her fasting and absolutely where she needs to be in her faith. Therefore I know she could be ok with this. It’s his own insecurities and disbelief causing the issues here and with every passing day the fallout when and if he ever does tell her will be worse because she will feel that much more betrayed. Not because he took a second wife. But because he (and consequently she) lived with such a a lie of omission for so long.

    I really want to know her. She stays home all day and doesn’t even drive a car, and she has two small children she struggles to care for alone. I know this because he tells me about it. I think if we could be sisters I could help her a lot with these things. And she is part of him. I can’t love him without accepting her too and so it is important to me. I know that sounds so odd but it is the truth. Her acceptance means so much to me. Without it, I can’t do this long term.

    I absolutely have not considered not communicating with him until he tells her but now that you ask, I think it is worth considering. When he tells me please come this week and I say no I won’t come until she knows, he responds do not pressure me I will tell her when the time is right. When is there ever a right time for such a discussion?

    He says he wants me to come there and let him introduce me to her as a friend and get to be her friend over time and then he will tell her he wants to marry me (not tell her he already did) and get her approval then proceed anew from there. To me this is terrible. It’s not honest. And if we want blessings in life we must do things the right way.

    To me if I am her friend and then hook up with her husband (to her knowledge) after the fact, that’s an even bigger betrayal than what has already happened.

    I think he fears she will divorce him and it’s a legitimate concern especially at this juncture, should she ever discover the truth behind all of his secrecy.
    She is steadfast in faith and practice. He should have been honest up front.

    Undoubtedly if he doesn’t tell her in a reasonable time, I will not stay in this marriage. I can’t. Because I won’t go back there until he does and a marriage won’t last across the ocean this way long term no matter how much we love one another.

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2017

    Next,

    Don’t waste your time comparing yourself to his other wife. You have more serious things to concern yourself with, such as are you ever going to see him again? If so, will you travel back to be with him as his “secret wife?” If, as you said, you have no intention to remain a “dirty little secret” then why think about her, as in compare yourself to her, as in who is younger, prettier or anything else? First thing first. Do you even have a marriage?

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2017

    Next,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’d imagine it has helped you to feel a bit better now that you’ve written about it with people who are familiar with what you’re going through. I suppose you feel as though it’s a weight lifted off your shoulders. I know how terrible you must feel in having to keep your marriage a secret. It goes without saying that marriage should be celebrated, as you stated.

    It seems you’re kind of sitting in limbo right now. Only Allah knows if your husband will tell his other wife about you and if so, when. Secret marriage sucks (excuse my French), as there is no rhyme or reason for that type of marriage in Islam, being that Allah has made polygamy lawful.

    If men can’t handle telling their first wives about the other from fear of hurting them or fear that their marriages will be over, then they should have considered it, and made their intend to remain with only their first wives. I mean, they should weigh the pros and cons and make a decision. It’s crazy how so many “Muslim” men engage in secret marriages. Women are at fault for going along with it as well. Of course there are consequences for our actions.

    It’s interesting that you have to deal with his jealousy when he’s so far away from you. Have you considered telling him that you will not communicate with him any longer until he lets his wife know that you and he are married, and you have proof that she knows? Put some fuel under his butt to get him moving, unless you just want to sit it out and wait to see what happens – if you don’t mind sitting in it indefinitely. Many men usually don’t tell their wives although they said they would tell them later. Why do it later, if they’ve gotten what they wanted?

    Are you sure you want to stay married to that man? Is it worth it?

  • Next

    November 2, 2017

    Annabellah,

    A little about me. I was raised Christian and converted to Islam in 2002 although for many years after that I did not practice because I moved back home and my nearest mosque or Islamic Society is over two hours away.

    I met my husband online in a video game. I know that sounds insane. But there is chat in the game and we became fast friends playing daily and he would teach me about Islam in the process which was information I had been starving for so it soon came to pass that we would spend hours each day chatting in the game while we played and eventually that turned into phone calls for the same duration. After a year of that we realized we were in love and it was so distressing. We tried to stop talking altogether and that didn’t work at all. After a few more months passed, he brought me overseas to meet him and it was scary to go alone to the GCC but I really enjoyed seeing him and stayed two months there before returning home.

    His wife does not know about me. He says he will tell her when the time is right. I have said I will not go back until he does. And I mean it, I won’t.

    She is much younger than me. And in my eyes so much more beautiful too. She is still able to bear children and I am not (because I had cancer that required a radical hysterectomy). I struggle with insecurity about all of that although I know I don’t have any right to. But I am human. And honestly I look at her and look at me and I don’t understand what he wants with me at all. I am older than both of them. She is so much more amazing in my eyes and I carry a lot of guilt for what has happened between he and I. We never intended it. But here we are.

    Our plan is that I will move there and live the rest of my life in his country with him. But again, I have sworn I will not return until she knows about me. She is devout in her faith and so because of that it is my strong hope we can be sisters and friends. I fear his postponement of telling her, may make that impossible.

    For cultural issues it’s hard adjusting to how jealous and protective he is of me. Men here in the States are not like that. What was cute in the beginning is suffocating sometimes now. But I know it is his right to protect me and know all about me. I just have to learn not to keep information from him.

    I feel so mixed up and it’s hard to be so deeply in love and feel ashamed of it. Secret marriages are terrible. Marriage should be a celebration. Something to be proud of. Not someone’s dirty secret.

    That’s the short version of my story. I’m so thankful to be here now. Nobody who knows me now knows about all of this. If I were to tell my family or friends here they would never understand. Nobody else that I know is polygamous.

    Not sure what else to say. I’m new to writing openly about this. But thank you for welcoming me here.

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2017

    Shattered,

    I really hope your husband has the intention of marrying that woman and STAYING married to her and is not looking at this potential marriage as something he just wants to try out and experience, knowing it has a huge potential for failure. It’s easy for him to get her here, get his rocks off and then send her packing. It’s kind of sad…

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2017

    Shattered,

    The purpose of a wali is to look out for the best interest of the woman. Preferably it’s someone who is a family member and cares about the woman. Many revert Muslims don’t even have Muslim family members and need to resort to an outsider to do it.

    Your family member are supposed to represent you. In order to do it, they need to know what’s going on with you. If your and your husband’s family are too frail and weak to know what’s going on, then you need to tell your husband that any polygamous marriage isn’t right for him. If he can’t man up and tell the family what he’s doing in terms of getting ready to take on another wife, then he need not marry anyone else. He can’t have his cake and eat it to. He needs to man-up or ditch the idea of having another wife. It’s on you, as well, to tell your family what is going on. Don’t wait until he marries the woman and then go belly-aching to them.

  • anabellah

    November 2, 2017

    @Next,

    Hello and welcome to our blog family!

    It’s nice that you are here. Sounds like you sure do have a lot going on that you need to get acclimated to. We’d like to help if we can, Insha Allah. Feel free to jump in and join the discussion. Maybe you’d like to tell us a bit about yourself and how you came to know your the man who is now your husband etc. What are some of your challenges with polygamy? Does his other wife know about you?

    Again, we welcome you! 🙂

  • Nura

    November 2, 2017

    Asc I wanted to add a quick advice for shattered, even though my sisters cover must of it, may allah bless their hearts. reading your story I am testing a little obsession with your husband..now don’t get me wrong we love our husband’s very much. but you worrying about his (second wive and helping him pick who, caring if she speaks the language, all that is little out of line.) I envy you for looking out for her and I get that your caring mansha allah. sometimes you have to put yourself first period. Worry about your rights, are you financially,emotionally,and mentally being taken care of? if not fight for your rights, who he marries is his responsibility…you are not his mother. your job is to care for your self and daughters. his job is to take care of all of you. As far as family go , you need to lean on your family, he needs to know you are loved and you are somebody’s daughter. Men often feel threatened by close family relationship in fact they treat wive with more respect because she close to her family. you need people on your side. may allah guide us the right path. and may allah forgive us if we make mistakes.

  • shattered

    November 2, 2017

    sister serena
    I think no one can talk some sense into him as before all this he thought its so dam easy but getting engaged to a lady over night,getting my reaction and after coming on this forum he realized its not the way he thought it is.Now he knows that it will be very difficult not just me but for him and the new lady too.but still he just cant let go shows how powerful the desire is and he want to follow it.
    we never had any major issues, it was just that i wanted more of his time and he was more into enjoying his hobbies,movies and friends.
    BUT now i told him very clearly that if gets a second wife I will not be living with his parents anymore.and he would have to settle me down first in a separate house.may it sound very mean but I in my 13 years of marriage i never asked to get me a separate place although like every woman i had that desire too but i didnt wanted to put financial burden on him and also I knew with my support taking care of parents, could be his easy way to Jannah.
    but if he doesnt want the easy way out than why should i care. here i am responsible for all the matters from cooking to plumbing work ,juggling matters all day,but i can not put even a chair where i like it to be.he want to be burdened,want himself and us in a difficult situation, just to follow his own desires.than I wont care for him either.

  • shattered

    November 2, 2017

    Salam to all sisters,
    thank you every one for sharing your views.and Nura i must say you are MA a very brave lady,for now I know how difficult it is espcially after years of peaceful marriage.
    regarding telling my parents,i know my father is MA a very sensible person and he knows its a very difficult situation coz he saw her own sister suffering in a polygamous relation. and on the other hand my mum is a very sensitive person.once she heard my sister fighting with her husband on phone ,she got so worried that she slipped and broke her arm. and secondly i dont want to put any type of family pressure on him from my side, as only Allah’s pressure is the best.
    regarding his family his father and sister knows,firstly sisters tried to convince him not to ,but obviously being a man he can so they accepted it .regarding his father he is upset ,talked to me, but when the sons are the ones running the household parents are afraid to say anything.he tried to convince her mom and she was after him for weeks to give her in writing that he will not indulge in polygamy.
    and he promised me he wont send any money to anyone now.

    Anabella you are right my words were not correct as the prophet PBUH said “love a person for the sake of Allah”. and I realized it later.

  • Next

    November 2, 2017

    I came here seeking information because I have become wife #2 recently. First I want to say thank you to everyone that contributes here. I am terrified and unsure of myself and it is very helpful to find an online community that finds polygamy acceptable under its correct terms.
    I am from America and he is from Jordan. In addition to polygamy there are the east meets West culture issues for us. Also I am still learning Islam. It’s a struggle all the way around.
    I don’t much know what to say but I wanted to say something. So, hello all. I look forward to learning and supporting one another here as we follow the journey Allah has willed for us.

  • Nura

    November 1, 2017

    Thank you sister Annabellah for your wonderful feedback. It took some gut of me to share. Thanks to you and all the wonderful sisters . Every day is a learning process for me . I lean on this blog when things get foggy. And I always find someone in a similar situation…which let’s me know am not alone alhamdulilah the best we can do is lean on eachother and when one gets little lost to remind the power of allah .

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2017

    Nura, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Wow, what a wonderful post you wrote. Alhumdulliah that you’ve come to the blog and shared your experience. Insha Allah, your story will help us all and be a reminder to all of us as well. I enjoyed reading it. It’s an inspiration. I pray Allah is well pleased with you for wanting and trying to accept all of His decisions/decrees. You are one strong, beautiful person. Thank you much for your valuable input… 8 children hey, WOW! That is awesome!!!

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2017

    Shattered,

    You really need to read the the post that Nura wrote. It is EXCELLENT and, Insha Allah, it will be of help to you. There is so much beauty in being in a polygamous marriage, and there are many benefit to be had…

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2017

    Serena,

    Hear! Hear! Shattered’s words really touched my heart. Without a doubt, it was a powerful reminder.

    I like what you said to shattered. It’s always good that we all share our views and thoughts because no one says things the same way. Some elaborate in a way to make things clearer than others or includes a lot that was left out etc. It’s all good. 🙂

  • Serena

    November 1, 2017

    Ana

    Shattered’s words are a powerful reminder how we will be tested by what we love the most. It’s a wake up call for her.

    Alhumdulillah she realises this.

    Shattered

    Don’t make any decisions in a hurry about leaving him etc. You don’t know Allah may give you plenty of sabr if he marries her

  • Serena

    November 1, 2017

    Salam

    Shattered

    Sorry if I repeat some of what Ana has already said.

    Your husbands behaviour is typical of a man chasing his desires. He is not thinking about his marriage to you or his daughters. He is thinking about himself and how he will get married to this woman.

    You say he says mean things but at times says he loves you. Sister do not become a victim of his emotional abuse.

    Don’t cover up for him or make any excuses for his unislamic behaviour. You have to tell your parents. You can’t go through this alone. Imagine if your daughter was going through something so serious and never told you. It probably will break your parents heart but they have to know. It’s better they know now when he hasn’t even got married so inshaAllah they can talk some sense into him. Also Allah forbid if things mess up between you and him later on after he marries the other woman you then how will you hide it from your parents?

    You shouldn’t worry too much about if she gets married your husband and how she will manage etc. Thats not your problem. I know it doesn’t sound nice but she has a brain and she should use it before committing herself.

    You should also tell your mother in law or father in law that he is sending money to the woman.

    Shattered don’t suffer this alone. Please speak to your and his family. You are doing right by getting closer to Allah. Who knows his marriage may never take place.

  • Nura

    November 1, 2017

    ASC I want to greet all the wonderful members of this blog. I also want to appreciate allah for giving us brilliant sisters/brothers who come up with idea for this blog. I am sure there are lots of people like me who are confused, hurt,and shy find this blog a relieve and individuals who don’t want to share their personal business with close ones. I want to share little about myself I have known my husband since elementary, we grew up in the same neighborhood we got married very young. We just celebrated our 18th anniversary and we have 8 beautiful children alhamdulilah. My hubby is a businessman and he travels once a year overseas. My husband and I are very close. We have lots of respect for eachother and his good dad and good provider. With that been said my husband started talking to me about a second wive due to his traveling and him not wanting to commit sin . At first it was all talk couple of conversations but on his last trip my husband met a young woman in her 20’s . Before he asked her family in hand of marriage he called me since we talk about everything. He said she has many great qualities what do You think?I gave him my blessings. After nikah I started worrying and frustrated. I felt betrayed, and used. Every time shaytdan whispers in my ears I would get more angry. I stumbled across this blog and alhamdulilah my beautiful sisters reminded me of my relationship with allah and how strong my faith is. Every time I started to feel antsy I would do wadu And pray 2 rakah and ask allah to help me think positive. Long story short I wanted to remind all sisters in my situation to focus on allah and find their selve . Don’t focus on him too much . Find the person you were before you got married. Sign up for class, reconnect with old friends focus on the kids … keep busy and don’t ever think is your fault. You are the perfect the way you are.if anything you and your husband will get closer insha allah . Get close to allah . My husband is back and I feel like our relationship is much stronger now . He appreciates my qualities. And now he notices every thing about me. I am not saying everything will be happily ever after am just saying if your in the situation already and you want to make it work .always look at the positive way. If we’re not capable of handling allah wouldn’t wanted for us. Remember polygamy marriage is like a diabetes lol if you eat sugar you blood sugar goes up if you watch your diet is stays elevated .watch out for triggers in polygamy until you figure out how to handle it. And also you have spend time building your husband teaching him how to treat women , you’ve invested in eachother don’t walk away for someone who just came along. You will lose everything .May allah protect our beautiful religion and our wonderful brothers/sisters.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2017

    shattered,

    You said some powerful words about how easily Allah can make the person whom one loves the most become the cause of the one’s grief. It happens when a person loves another more than the person loves Allah. When we turn to Allah’s creation, He turns His creation away from us. When we turn away from His creation, He turns His creation towards us.

    When you were saying you love Allah and although something inside of you said you love the person sleeping next to you, as well, you actually were equating your husband with Allah, making them equals. Allah stands alone. He is ONE. We shouldn’t include Him with anyone or anything else.

    shattered, it could be that Allah wants good for you, which is why He is showing you your faults. I’ve read that when Allah loves someone and wants good for the person, He exposes the person’s faults to him. We need to be able to see our faults, flaws and the errors of our way in order to make a change. We don’t want to be like the “deaf, dumb and blind” who are out there. Allah has placed a veil over their hearts. Hell waits for them in ambush.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2017

    Sister shattered,

    What you described about getting crazier by the day and flip-flopping about how you feel about the situation (wanting him to be happy with another wife and you wanting to leave as well) is quite the norm when a wife first finds out the news about her husband’s intention. So, know that there is nothing abnormal about you in that regard.

    About not letting your family, as in parents, know what’s going on in your marriage, it’s something that I don’t understand when people say that. It’s what family is for – to be there to help one another in a time of need. If one can’t talk with their parents/family then who can they talk with about such personal/intimate matters? – especially when one has “Muslim” parents. So the parents may get upset, angry or whatever other emotions they’ll exhibit. It’s life! You’re upset, angry, hurt etc. as well. It can’t hurt that they’ll get worked up and involved in trying to help you and your husband resolve your issues. In fact, in the Quran, it’s what Allah tells us to do. Get a representative from his side and one from hers to help resolve the matter, as in arbitrate or mediate it. Your parents aren’t that fragile. I’m sure they’ve dealt with worse.

    I see your point about why it would be easier and beneficial for your husband to marry another who is Pakistani, knows the culture and speaks the language. It’s just that what is there for you to do when your husband won’t listen to reason? Keep in mind that there is still a chance that your husband won’t go through with it, and then you’ve wasted valuable time and energy, as well as probably aged yourself while disputing about something that isn’t real.

    You said you can’t see him ruining a life. Well, if he marries the woman, it’s what Allah wrote for her. He wrote it for her and him. The problem we all have in wanting things done the way we want them done and we don’t submit to Allah’s will about practically anything. We all lack so much in terms of obeying and worshiping Allah and having the correct belief in Him and what He says. Islam is submission to Allah’s will. When we submit our will to Allah, we have no will. We shall not will except as Allah wills!

  • shattered

    November 1, 2017

    i know there are lot better options coz i went on that site ,inquisitive to see whom is he talking to .and ended up making a fake profile. a 32 year divorcee.and there are so many options from around the world. men same age as my husband’s or even a litter younger.and a man at age of 37-45 single, separated,divorced or widowed are not all fooling around. polygomus men are very few hardly 1%.
    and yes I am really enjoying being more close to Allah.before all this I use to pray at night and I use to say to Him “oh Allah I love you and your prophet PBUH.” and someone inside me use to say i love that person sleeping too.I think Allah did like it so, He showed me what our prophet PBUH said “and the heart of every man is between the two fingers of the Merciful.HE directs them wherever He wills”.
    and now no one inside me says I love that person sleeping, coz its Him who commands.He showed me how easily He can make the person you love ,you care the most knowingly be the only cause of your grief.
    May Allah keep us all with aaffia.Ameen

  • shattered

    November 1, 2017

    dear sister anabellah
    thanks alot for your detailed reply.i didnt find this site ,its my husband who asked me to write whatever i feel coz he feels i should discuss whatever is in my mind with someone as with each passing day i am getting crazy.one day i will tell him that i dont want to be the person to take away your happiness and the other day i am asking him to get two wives if he want to enjoy polygamy as i will simply leave.I cant and i dont want to indulge my parents coz we are double cousins and he is the eldest son in law ,and i know they love him a lot.and this situation is enough to give my parents sleepless nights.
    the reason i wanted him to get a Pakistani wife is basically the language barrier ,not just between both of them but also for her.as in polygamous relation the man can not always be arround.there are so many things to be considered although its non of my business but still I know he just jump into things without realizing the consequences.
    getting another lady from abroad is not a joke its a huge responsibility.
    first of all being here in Pakistan her security is the issue.we are living in a secured area and every now and then get news of robbery and stuff inside our colony.he cant keep her with his parents,as his own mum is highly anti polygamy.
    how can he be at piece knowing she cant talk to anyone,cant go anywhere even to get a tiny item,cant talk to the maids .and God forbid if anything happens to her,who will be held responsible.
    he is not a home handy person,he dosent like going shopping even for grocery. I go with driver, do all shopping by myself even for the in laws.
    i have a russian friend living here ,her husband is around for her most of the time .he picks and drops kids from school,look after them ,make them do H.W as she is not good in english and urdu. take her to the doctor wait for 3-4 hours with her. she is living with in laws for around 18 years in a monogmus relation and so many of the ladies she knows were not able to live, either left or took the husbands along .
    and I know for sure my husband cant do this .i even asked him this, he said i cant do it at all. so my point is you import plants or animals they need special care other wise they will die. how you expect a women to live without such special care and affection.for whatever reason any woman is willing to marry she has wishes and desires.the younger and immature she is, the difficult the situation for her and us.
    right now she dosnt know and she cant know what is she going into until she is in the relation.but he knows it all.I have daughters too ,i cant see him ruining a life.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace polygamy 411 October 2017 discussions

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for November 2017. We thank you all for being here. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussions. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the October 2017 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is:October 2017 Discussions

    polygamy 411 November 2017 Discussions