October 2015 Discussions

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October 2015 Discussions

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October 2015 discussions

October 2015 Discussions

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307 Comments

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2015

    This thread is now october 2015 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the October 2015 discussions and welcome in November 2015.

    October 2015 discussions are now closed. Please join us at https://www.polygamy411.com/November-2015-discussions/

    September 2015 discussions

  • Gail

    October 31, 2015

    Monroe,
    I lived joint family system in Pakistan exactly like u r living now.My Polygamous marriage did not work out and my husband ended up divorcing his 1st wife who happen to also be his 1st cousin.We lived this way for 8 yrs.I lived both ways in separate homes in USA because she was in Pakistan but anytime I was in Pakistan she was either at the airport to greet us or she was at the home waiting on us in all those 8 yrs.I lived with her for yrs in the same home as well.I guess around 3 total.
    In my case my husband lied to me and told me he divorced her which he did but he kept her islamically as his wife(long story)When she was living with us all those yrs I thought she was the kids mother and my husbands cousin and I just flat didn’t have a problem with ehr living with us because I got to know her.When the truth came out I was not angry because he was practicing Polygamy I was angry they both lied to me.I got why she lied her A$$ would have been killed has she opened her mouth so I get her it was husband my main anger was toward.
    We even lived together joint family after the truth came out but only for a very short time because she wanted hubby to divorce me so she could immigrate to USA but he would not and she got pissed and I just lost my first husband so I was not in my right mind to listen to anything or even deal anything that time because my mind was focused on my then 17 yr old son alone in USA and us being in Pakistan and my 1st husband laying in hospital in hospice dying.
    When we decided to practice polygamy in the open we made alot of mistakes.It is natural because we didn’t know anyone practicing polygamy so we had to wing it basically.I get where u r coming from with the kids.I wanted the same thing.I totally get it!!

  • Gail

    October 31, 2015

    Ana,
    I was laughing at your post about husband making googoo eyes at one wife while the other looks on hahaha.Girl it don’t work that way!Look u left one thing out and that is most people have kids and not just one or 2 so from the time u get up until the time u go to bed u r busy with the kids.
    I will tell u straight in my polygamous marriage without getting to detailed we would stay up late watching movies and munching on popcorn and coke.Sometimes hubby was in the middle and sometimes I or cowife was in the middle.It wasn’t like anything was planned for the majority of the time.
    THe whole thing with living in a family joint polygamy style family unit is the idea of creating a one family unit.IS it hard u betcha but it is not about the adults totally when people pick this type of arrangement it is about wanting to raise their children as real brothers and sisters in a one family home and it yes it does take adjustments thats for certain and I will be the first to say I was very strong and demanded we live one family unit as to not separate the children.Look u r missing the point one wife might only have 1 child where the other in my case had 2.Had we lived separate my child would have grown u as an only child since my oldest son is 10 years older than my baby son understand?
    I get that wives say oh i could not live joint family and that is fine I get it because it is hard esp when it is set up so rigid.I will say this though believe me when u are on your period and your husband is wanting to fool around u r fine for him to have sex with your cowife.Logically speaking why would not be.
    I am Aquarius and Lord knows I am a free thinker type person but I see it like this he is not cheating and it don’t matter if I like her or not she is my cowife and it is just us two that is using hubby.
    I will be honest here and tell u straight that when I was on my period alot of times I begged hubby to go to her for sexual intercourse but he never would.I felt horrible for her that he was acting like that towards her and even I took up for her and told him if he is going to mistreat her then send her back to the village it is bad.
    In my opinion it is really really wrong to have a bad attitude towards a cowife regarding sex because sex is the way the family grows.It is very important to have a healthy attitude about sex in my opinion.Now I will say this it is very important that a husband give full rights anytime a wife needs.I don’t believe in all this it is cowife number 1 day or cowife number 2 day that is silly to me and could never get down with it.What if we both wanted on the same day?I feel hubby has got to man up! Everyone has rights.
    Also why is it important that each wife get separate time with hubby if everyone gets along fine.The whole point to joint family living is so everyone can bond together not this running off and whispering into hubbies ear each wife.Nothing should be said that can’t be said in front of a cowife in my opinion.If my husband tells my cowife he loves her whats the problem in it.If i tell my cowife I love her as well what is the problem in it?Joint family living is more communal type living I agree.Polygamy with separate homes seems like nothing more than monogamy to me to be frank because the point has missed of living as a one family unit.
    Living in separate homes verses joint family in same home really is two entirely different concepts in my opinion and neither way is for everyone.U could not live Joint family I totally get it but I could never live and accept polygamy living in single homes no way! I want my kids to grow up together as real brothers and sister same like any other brother and sister.That was and is and always will be my driving factor.
    I am not putting anyone down that is raising kids in separate homes I am just saying it was not the way I wanted to raise my kids.TO each their own I think when it comes to living Polygamy.

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone

    Just a friendly reminder to our blog family and friends that we are drawing near to the end of another fantastic month of dialogue. We are nearing the end of another year, as well.

    The months and the years are rolling around like clockwork. It should remind us all of the nearing of the end of our lives on this planet earth.

    Insha Allah, we are all preparing for the next life that is rapidly approaching. We never know when Allah will seize our souls. Perhaps the hour is nigh. We’re running out of time to get our affairs in order. So, let get ourselves together before it’s too late.

    Love to all you wonderful people

    I pray Allah guides, protects and help us all.

  • Monroe

    October 31, 2015

    Thank you sis ana thank you. May Allah reward you for all you do.

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2015

    SIS Monroe,

    Allah is to his servants what they perceive Him to be. He is a compassionate, generous, Kind God and much more. He could give you your own home as a reward on this earth and much more in the Hereafter. Whatever you do, don’t doubt. Allah says He places doubt upon doubt when we doubt.

    About going numb, it does just cover up the feelings that get buried some place inside. You’re doing good in self contemplation. When you read Quran that is a healing and guidance for the believers think how you could relate what you read and the stories of the Prophets to your own life. Each ayah (verse) is a sign. You get understanding when you contemplate what you read of the Quran.

    Stay strong, Sis. Don’t go pressuring your husband. Just let him know that for your own mental health and well-being you’d like to have your own home and live separately from the co. Turn to Allah who would provide it. It does not necessarily have to come from your husband. Allah says we don’t know what we will earn on the morrow or what good awaits us. Stay optimistic. Keep the Faith 🙂

  • Monroe

    October 31, 2015

    Sis ana you are absolutely correct one has to want change to get it. I think I’ve stopped wanting it I’m literally numb to it all. I know one day I will have my own home. I pray Allah blesses me with a home of my own one day for all I’ve endured. The thing is, the properties hubby owns has been in his family for ages so I’m not sure if he will be to keen on it. We shall see sis. Right now I’m just trying to focus on why Allah has placed me in this situation, is it to better the faults within me the more y’all speak on it the more it makes me contemplate I really haven’t went there in my mind in years but you are teaching me to face my circumstances head on and not hiding behind them. ive gotten quite used to it all but I know deep down I learned to hide behind the pain that’s still somewhere in there I just kinda out grew it

  • anabellah

    October 30, 2015

    Sis Monroe, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Thank you very much for sharing what it is like for you and your family. I understand much better now and I empathize with you. I could imagine what you have endured. I know me and how I’d manage under such conditions. It wouldn’t be very well. Talking about going crazy???

    Sis, just keep turning to Allah and ask him to guide and direct you to what is best. Don’t fret. Keep doing what you’re doing. Persevere and pray. Allah may change your condition, and make thing easier and better for you. Don’t despair! I know you said you’ve been doing much better. Things could get even better for you. You are where Allah wants you to be right now, as you said. You must want a change for there to be a change. Who knows what Allah has in store for you. Is it possible for your husband to sell one of his properties and buy one in the vicinity where you are now, within easy daily travel distance, just miles or less away?

  • Monroe

    October 30, 2015

    Ps we are simple Muslims living together not doing threesomes or me watching them or him watching us no no no not in any way

  • Monroe

    October 30, 2015

    Sis Ana and Sis mari2,

    AsSalaamu Alaikum I will try my best to explain. At the beginning of my marriage and still sometimes nowadays it’s hurtful going to the family room not seeing my husband but knowing he’s at home obviously getting it on with his first wife. Sometimes he would smack my buttocks in front of her. I’m sure many there has been many times when she has come looking for hubby and we were whine closed doors. I’ve endured so much pain I went crazy literally now I’m numb to it all. Now I think if Allah wanted me elsewhere then I would have been elsewhere. My husbands homes are far away its not that I can’t survive time away from him I just can’t bring myself to do that to my children they are attached to him. So I feel as a parent I have to sacrifice my wellbeing my sanity for their happiness. I’ve gotten used to it for the most part. Oh and there is no privacy to the arguing. I literally have to lock my husband in the room just to have a private conversation or wait until one leaves home. And we both know when each other is getting it on no matter how much we try to hide it because my husband his hair is long so it’s very obvious it’s wet from ghusl. When they r getting it in I leave the house try to focus my mind elsewhere. I used to react to everything I was a teenager when I married had no clue on life. Every issue I had was supposedly petty. First wife had much more experienced she was married longer and she was once the second wife. I gotta say y’all are making me go to a place where I broke away from because it was destroying me. At first I didn’t know I had a right to request my own dwelling because him and his previous wives always lived this way. I think if I ask him he may deny because security is a big issue for him he won’t leave me and the kids alone I don’t know

  • anabellah

    October 30, 2015

    Monroe & the ladies who live with their co-wives, I’m not trying to make anyone feel badly or disrespect anyone. I’m simply sharing my thoughts. I’d like hearing others thought about the topic as well. I simply equate all co-wives living together as the Mormon way or the way it’s done with sister-wives. It’s interesting that with the show “Big Love” – (I know it was only a TV show), and they were a form of the Mormon faith, the three wives all had their own homes. The homes were next to one another in a row. It was pretty cool (nice) the way they were set up. In biblical shows on TV, they showed the wives all had their tents that were a distance a part.

    How do you deal with watching the other husband and wife making goo goo eyes and each other or being seductive towards each other or is that off limits? When it’s just the husband and wife, if they have children, their only concern is making sure the kids don’t catch them.

  • anabellah

    October 30, 2015

    Mari2,

    I’ve been giving the topic a lot of thought since we last spoke of it here. As you stated, a husband and a wife needs that private and alone time to “bond”. The bond is special between a husband and a wife. They need that intimate time alone. Co-wives could be very close as close as sisters and help one another with chores and responsibilities etc without having to live together. They could have a close sister-in-faith relationship without having to live together. Believers help each other and they don’t have to live together. Children could bond with their half sisters and brothers without having to live together.

    Just imagine the one wife knows every time the other has her menses. The wife on her menses know he’s in there doing the other wife. Even if the husband and wife are quiet in their love making, the other would know something went down when the other gets up and go to shower. What do they do if they watch television together? Does one sit on both sides of him and the other on the other side? Does he sit there holding each of their hands? What if their is three or four of them? Where do the other one or two sit – at his feet? I just can’t see it. I could live that way. I don’t know how any wife could live that way, and have peace of mind, unless they do the polyamory thing.

    Mari2, I’m glad to hear your life has gotten so much better since you and M have your privacy and you and he have the home to yourselves. It is truly a blessing. I thank Allah swt much everyday that I’ve got my own. I wouldn’t want to see my husband hugged up and all lovey dovey with anther wife. I wouldn’t want that crap in my face.

    A woman who says she needs her husband with her everyday needs to remain monogamous then, unless she wants to take the relationship to another place that is questionable. The woman that needs to control everything and everybody has got a problem that far exceeds anything to do with polygamy. They don’t understand they control nothing. That control issue is heavy. When a person needs to know everything another does etc., it’s serious…

  • Mari2

    October 30, 2015

    To follow on what Ana said, I think it is important for partners in a marriage to have time alone with their spouses to bond, share conversation uninterrupted, and even argue without others knowing about it. There are things that should be private among couples. It prevents others from creating issues or gossiping.

    Since M left I am much more relaxed. Our relationship is less tense. M has been great about saying nothing to me about 2. I am doing well at not asking about her now that no one around me is discussing her in front of me. Of course I ask after his sisters and brothers, his sister’s children and general stuff regarding the health of his mom, but no discussion of 2. The separation of me and MIL is a positive thing for our relationship.

  • anabellah

    October 29, 2015

    When wives live in separate dwellings, a wife at least has her husband to herself on her days. When wives all live together, a wife never has her husband to herself. It’s commune living.

  • Gail

    October 29, 2015

    Ana,

    I am also worried about Aisha

  • Gail

    October 29, 2015

    Mari2,

    I 100% agree with u that u can’t be living with inlaws no doubt ughhh esp if u r living Polygamy it don’t work I been there done that and it was total chaos to say the least.
    I do however feel that living together with cowife is fine but only if everyone is on the same page and is looking out for the family unit otherwise I say live separate.My case was rather unique in the fact that since my kids birth I have raised my cowife’s kids.

  • Gail

    October 29, 2015

    Blue,

    Welcome to the group! I read your story and I am for living joint family BUTTTT if u can not do it and u are feeling like this is not the way for u then by all means talk to your mom and dad if your husband will not listen and get u a separate home.If your family will back u up then stand up and tell your husband straight u want separate housing if he refuses u have to think about divorce and depending what country u r in loosing your kids.I advise u see if your family is going to back u first then think wisely and then act.

  • anabellah

    October 28, 2015

    We haven’t heard from Aisha in a while. I wonder if her husband snooped and found that she’s been communicating with us. 🙁 I can’t imagine that it would be a good outcome

    Aisha, if you’re out there, Insha Allah, let us know you are okay.

  • anabellah

    October 28, 2015

    Mari2,

    The same as you, I, too, don’t believe Allah permitted polygamy for anyone to be UNCOMFORTABLE in. I think many Muslims forget that Islam is a religion of modesty, purity, decency, and piety. We are supposed to protect our ear, eyes, all our senses and our limbs from what is unseemly. We should be trying to get our souls pure and subjugate base emotions such as envy, jealousy, rancor, hatred etc.

    All the wives living in one home with the husband opens the door to evils. It goes against all that Islam stands for. What sense does it make for one wife see the husband go into the bedroom with his other wife. She hears moaning and groaning, banging the bed up against the wall and carrying on? How is it protecting any of one’s soul? It has to hurt the others heart unless she is getting turned on by it. It’s just as bad. One could equate it with listening to porn. The next thing one knows all of them could end up in the bed together getting it on. It’s sinful.

    It makes no sense that a wife can’t be alone with her husband and her children. She should be able to walk around her home comfortably in a state of undress when she wants. She should be able, for instance, to lay on the couch with her husband, watching TV or in bed all day and night with him if she wants to, kissing, hugging and making love when the mood strikes her and him on her day. Why should she be subjected to some other woman eyeballing her every move and watching what he does?

    I totally believe it’s a control issue going on for one of the wives, if not all of them when they agree to such a thing. The one can’t get a gift from the husband or anything from him without the other knowing about it. It opens the door wide for envy and jealousy. There is enough of that going on just knowing that one’s husband is married to another woman let alone having it all up in the others face all the time. It’s totally unnatural. It’s an innovation.

    Many times the husband is selfish because he wants more than one wife knowing he can’t afford to give them separate dwellings. So, he makes the wives sacrifice to satisfy his desire or, as I said above, he or the wives may have some ulterior motive. I remember a Muslim woman coming to the blog and telling us that her Muslim husband wanted to marry another woman so that he could watch them have sex together and they could all have sex together. I think many Muslims live unbeliever’s ways.

  • Mari2

    October 28, 2015

    I agree with Ummof4 that much of the time co habitation of wives boils down to affordability or control, or a bit of both. I tried the family living situation and it just wasn’t for me. AND that was without the physical presence of 2. It was stressful enough with just MIL and her constant talking about 2 and the interruptions by 2 via phone. I am already not programmed to do communal living naturally. I wasn’t born with an innate desire to be surrounded by people in my business. I could easily become a hermit. That said, I gave it my best effort. Allah in his wisdom gave me the strength to demand a separate living situation as is my right. I will say that at first I felt as if I failed M. But as I prayed to Allah I came to realize that living in a way that made me uncomfortable was to fail myself, my psychological well being and to fail Allah as well as HE did not mandate me to live in such a way. HE did not nor does HE impose uncomfortable polygamy upon anyone. I have nothing but admiration for women who are successful and happy in co habitated homes. But I just could not be one of them. It’s just the way I was created.

  • anabellah

    October 28, 2015

    @Blue, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I think as Jasmina said to Aisha, you need to analyze your life. Why are you in such a situation in which you are tormented and feel stuck? Allah is a just God, Most Merciful, Most Gracious. Ask yourself why you deserve such treatment. Have you made your husband more important than God? Doing so is one of the most serious sin that a person can commit. For someone who commit such a sin Allah has promised the person a severe amount of agony in this world and in the hereafter.

    You should take Monroe’s advice as well. She is spot on.

  • Monroe

    October 28, 2015

    Blue AsSalaamu Alaikum you are also living in one home as a second wife wow what a coincidence. You don’t seem like you are at peace with your situation. If you can’t accept living in one home and around your cowife 24/7 then try seeking a separate home from your husband and his wife. Until you accept polygamy and your situation you will never be at peace. You have to establish a strong relationship with Allah only then will you find solace and peace. It gets easier. It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel at first but it’s there. Stay strong

    Sis Gail my in laws tried hating me at the beginning I guess they felt I was an intruder but thank god i stayed strong and didn’t let their antics get to me. Also my husband and I were not related by any way before we married neither was he related by any way to his first wife.

  • anabellah

    October 28, 2015

    tuleh,

    No need to thank me. I’m just happy to be of any help to you and to others here. I enjoy this blog very much. I love meeting intelligent, kind and inquisitive people like yourself. I’d like to help you out as best I can. I just don’t know much about how to approach the matter from a Christian perspective. I totally understand your concern for not wanting your husband to commit sin with the other woman. It is a baffling situation. I totally understand why you are perplexed about it.

    Please know the door is open for you here. You are welcome. Don’t feel you’re being intrusive. You are not. Again, God Willing, just pop in and chat, if you feel so inspired. No need to ask. No need to thank me. It’s all good. It’s a pleasure to have you here. 🙂

    Maybe some of the ladies here who have children could answer the question that you have about them.

  • tuleh

    October 28, 2015

    Hi Ana,
    Thank you so much for all your answers. They are very helpful to me. Some responses…

    Kids of polygamous parents: I just want you to know that I was not questioning the emotional health of the children on a personal/family context. I fully agree with you. If parents are emotionally balanced and supportive of the children, and let the children understand and appreciate their culture and religion, then the children are among the healthiest and happiest in the world. What I was curious about was the external factors, how the children avoid issues with teachers, fellow students, and child protective services, because society at large is not very understanding or compassionate about people who have different lifestyles than their own. I wanted to make this clear, because it seems like you’ve gotten the question before, from a judgmental angle, and I want you to know there was no judgment at all about the internal health of a polygamous family (all types of families can have issues that are detrimental to the children; I wouldn’t single out polygamy for that) – just concern about how the children address those who don’t understand. And you did address that too – thank you!

    Thank you for your comments on “equality,” that makes total sense.

    Over the last week, I’ve done some more reading on the topic of legalities, and what you are saying in general terms support what I’ve found. I don’t think I have any more questions, just a lot to think about. My husband does not have a formal (nor informal) marriage with the other woman; my reasons for doing research is that I want to support them because I know they love each other and it concerns me that we are “living in sin.” But you are right, if they are comfortable, who am I to butt in. I always defer to my husband, but I like to bring things to his attention if I think it can be helpful. We are all talking about how we want to live the next decades, so the more info we have the better.

    Neither of us are Muslims. So we base the relationship on the fact that my husband was, as many men, created with the wiring to have more than one woman. Coming to full terms with that, my next question is how to live that in a way that is in line with God’s will and respectful and caring of all parties involved. From all my reading, it has been mind boggling to find that according to the Bible there is NO command whatsoever for a man to not have more than one wife. But even so, churches and state all are heavily against it. It seems like Islam (and certain non-sanctioned sects within the Mormon religion) is the last stronghold when it comes to this. That is why I came to you, because you ladies know what you’re talking about.

    I understand that I have to figure out my own path within Christianity, but even so it has been very helpful to read your blog and the comments and very much your answers. Thank you very much for spending time and energy on me and my questions. I particularly appreciate your generosity because I am not a sister of your religion. Thank you very much for your kindness and patience.

  • anabellah

    October 28, 2015

    Blue, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I just checked the spam queue and found the post you wrote at the beginning of my vacation. I’m just seeing it now, which is why the delay. Welcome. Peace 🙂

  • Blue

    October 27, 2015

    Salaams All

    I’ve been a quiet reader since the old blog and just now having the courage to step forward and share my story and introduce myself. I have something similar with Aisha sadly. I’m a second wife and I live in the same house as a family unit and boy is it hard. My husband has been married and divorced multiple times. Altogether he has had 7 wives including us 2 and about three other proposals all before he married me. We’ve been married for five years now with two children. I’ve overcome a lot but it’s all still a struggle. I’m trying to improve everyday. My co wife and I started off on a good note. I wasn’t even trying to marry our husband when he first proposed. He asked four times and I stood strong in my answer and said NO because I didn’t think I could handle and accept polygamy. I still have not accepted it. I thought I did but after reading this blog I know now I just tolerate it. Living in the same house is so hard. I know when he has sex with her and she knows when he has sex with me. Their is absolutely no privacy. A lot has went down. I used to be the sweetest person ever but my co just pushed buttons I didn’t even know existed. Now I find myself becoming bitter which is the last thing I want to be. The only reason I gave my husbands proposal a second thought was because his first wife told me she didn’t care and didn’t have a problem with it. And I guess Allah changed my heart and I married within a short time. But gradually she began to sneakily go behind my back to our husband and whisper little things in his ears causing chaos she seemed to get a rise out of us having problems. Now we don’t speak at all insulting me I can handle but not when it comes to my children. They’re little innocent kids who hasn’t done a thing to her. I treat her two children as my own y can’t she do the same. I’m just tired of suffering. How do I accept my situation and be content with my circumstances. I tried speaking to my husband but it always blows up he hates when we come to him with pettiness but my heart is involved. I can’t help the way I feel. Also Fatimah I read your new cowife is expecting how are you taking it I can’t imagine the pain since I’ve been married I have had two kids and my cowife has not become pregnant since I’ve been married I don’t know if I could handle it if she does. When I was pregnant I had to act sad when I was really jumping with joy behind closed doors because I know it must be hard. I’m eager to hear from all of u

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2015

    Allah says He doesn’t give anyone a burden more than he or she can bear.

    The person puts the additional burden on him or herself…

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2015

    aisha,

    As Ummof4 stated, you agreed to live with the man in the same house as the other wife/ wives(s). You need to live there and suffer the consequences or get out while the getting is good (you’re young and without children).

    You say she walks around exposing her nakedness to you. She abuses you. She calls you names that are not nice. You have to listen to him and her having sex. You have to watch him cater to her, and show preferential treatment to her. Well, if you agreed to live in the same house with her and him and you are unwilling to leave, then get used to it. There are reasons why Muslim wives have their own homes. The cons far outweigh any pro’s. The bad far outweighs any good. The wives can live in the same apartment building, complex, or within miles of one another and see their husbands and he sees his children regularly as Ummof4 said.

    If you want to do it your way, then what can anyone say…. but, deal with it. To each her own.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2015

    Aisha,

    I understand more now since you have elaborated. What I see is that your husband appears to be the type who approach polygamy the same as those non-Muslims who date. He seems to have dating/living together relationships that he calls marriage. The non-Muslims stay in the relationship as long as things are working well and when there are problems, they “breakup”. They end the relationship and move on to the next. Your husband is fine with the wives until there are problems and then he divorces them. It is not Islam in any sense of the word. He calls the relationships “marriage”. He sees all his wives as being disposable. He said to you and to the wife whom he married first that if you two don’t like the way he does thing, then get to stepping – LEAVE. He will divorce whomever is not happy with how he does things. He has no compassion, empathy, or love for anyone but HIMSELF. He is a selfish and controlling individual.

    He knows he is wrong, which is why he tells you not to get your family involved or else he’ll divorce you. He doesn’t want anyone calling him out on his wrongdoing. He wants to control all the wives and oppressed them as though they are his personal slaves or chattel. Wives are something he thinks he owns. Why won’t he allow his wives to go to their families when they need advice, guidance and support? It’s what families are for. Muslims are allow by Allah to go to their families for help. Who is your husband to oppose Allah?

    I’ve seen the likes of what your husband does when I was working in the court system. Victims of domestic Violence went through what you’re going though. The husbands separate their wives from their families. They cut off ties. They won’t allow the wives to communicate with their families and friends. They want to be the only means of communication for the wives. It’s a means of control and oppression. (What gives your husband the right to snoop though your communications with your family?) The husbands emotionally and psychologically abuse the wives. The wives have to tip toe around as though walking on egg shells. It’s no different for you The least little thing you do wrong you have to fear that your husband will divorce you. He doesn’t care about your feelings. If he did, he’d make that other wife stop abusing you or else divorce her. His mentality is that there are other fishes in the sea. Women come a dime a dozen to him. He’ll divorce the wives and they’ll be someone else who is foolish enough to marry him, thinking things will be better or different.

    I think Gail called it right when she said the wife whom your husband married first, dislikes polygamy. She hates it. She knows that if she abuses the other wives, they’ll eventually leave or will do something that he will divorce them for. She’ll simply keep doing what she does that seems to be working. She is one miserable soul. It’s like a vicious cycle. He brings women into the household and they not only get abused by that miserable woman, but by the husband, as well, who oppresses them. It’s a living hell. Allah says “Oppression is worse than slaughter.”

    jasmina shared with you her story. She put it out there. Take a page out of her story. Some people just don’t listen. They have to live it for themselves.

  • Gail

    October 27, 2015

    Ummof4,

    hat is really so cool u r getting your sight back that is just so amazing to me.I have to wear glasses and I really hate that so I am really happy for u.
    I believe u when u say people can live separate and raise happy healthy kids as well.It might boil down to some wives are more needy and clingy than other wives I really don’t know.I can just speak for me I couldn’t live happily in Polygamy having to live a separate home because for me it would take away from the concept of being married to me personally.However in saying that I think it is really cool if a wife is really ok with her husband going back and forth between homes.I see from the blog alot of women are very happy with this set up and couldn’t live in one home with their cowife which is kinda interesting if u really stop and think about it.We are all women yet we all have different concepts of how to deal with polygamy.I totally love it!

  • Gail

    October 27, 2015

    Monroe,
    I do miss the her and she was crazy but looking back I totally get it.Funny when u r going through Polygamy at first how hard and crazy it is to only look back several yrs later and think to yourself what was I thinking back then.
    I in know think your life is a cake walk I lived 8 yrs in a very complex Polygamous marriage(u can’t even imagine it was so off the charts crazy) but it was a huge life lesson I will sure say that.
    I agree with u to each their own.That was also my reason as well besides the kids being raised under the same roof.I did not marry my husband just so he could be a part time husband to me.I personally did not sign up for polygamy it was thrown on me and there was no way I was going to accept anything less than him being with me full time.So I get where u r coming from totally.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2015

    Sabr, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I pray you are well and are feeling much better. When it comes to the thought of one’s husband having a child by his other wife, it’s upsetting for just about ALL wives at first. I don’t know why. Even if the one wife wants no children, the thought that he may have a child by the other provoke some unpleasant feelings. I don’t know why? I know of an ex-wife who had no children by her husband and mutually having divorce who had jealous feeling thinking that her ex-husband may have a child by the woman he got with.

    One has to seek Allah’s protection from Satan who is causing the wife to think about it, causing her to be upset about it. The way the wife cope is by saying, if Allah wills it, she will go with it and accept it. She must ask Allah to allow her to accept His decree with all her heart and soul. She has to learn to be okay sincerely with whatever Allah decides. It’s the only way to get to a good place about it. We have to learn to be sincerely okay with all that Allah decides. He is the DISPOSER OF AFFAIRS. This is His DOMINION. He rules and regulates ALL affairs.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2015

    tuleh,

    You asked how the children of polygamous marriages do in American schools. For Muslim children, I think if their Muslim parents teach the children their religion (Islam), according to the Holy Quran, when they are old enough to understand, they’d have no problem with having a polygamous father. If the parents teach their children that polygamy – their dad having more than one wife – is acceptable, permissible and good, then the children should have a good, wholesome outlook about it and handle it well. If the parents teach their children that it’s okay to be different and it’s better not to be like certain people, they should be okay. If the parents are hating on polygamy and have altercations with the parties (spouses) involved about it, then naturally the children will have problems in school and elsewhere. They will be ashamed of who they are and who their parents are.

    I don’t think a child could say anything in a US school that would warrant Child Protective Services getting involved unless something illegal is going on. When it is said that polygamy is illegal or unlawful, it simply means that one can’t have more than one legal marriage. It’s what makes it illegal. As I said in a previous post, a US citizen is protected by the Constitutional Right to Freedom of Religion. A non-citizen should know not to put polygamy in anyone’s face who is not trustworthy, if the person fears deportation. A non-citizen, of course, doesn’t have all the protections that a citizen has; therefore, deportation is always a possibility.

    What you mentioned about the Oklahoma situation, well the the parent was involve in something that was illegal – possession and use of marijuana. I don’t know the story. If she had medical marijuana and it’s illegal in that State, then of course she committed a crime, which is why her child was taken away.

    You have to ask yourself how gay parents deal with their adopted children or the children they had before they realized they were gay?How does polyamory parents deal with their children? It’s all a matter of what the parents teach their children. How does an orphan child cope? How does a foster child cope? How does an adopted child cope? There are American parents, for instance, who adopt a Korean or Vietnamese child; how do the child cope? The child looks nothing like the parents. There are single parents; how do the child cope? I don’t know why when it comes to children of polygamous parents, people make it a huge issue. It’s not that big of a deal. To pull it off in a wholesome way, the parents need to be educated and have a healthy attitude about polygamy.

    One has to be firm in ones belief and conviction. There are always going to be people who are judgmental and want to mind someone else business. One has to learn to ignore them. Most of them are ignorant fools anyhow.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2015

    tuleh,

    You said you are not Muslim. Is he and she Muslim or are you three non-Muslim? If you all are non-Muslim, what are you all basing polygamy on? You said the church doesn’t allow it and you are not Muslim? I’m not really sure how they formalized the second marriage unless they had a private ceremony between themselves witnessed by God. There were other non-Muslims here who have engaged in polygamy without the involvement of a church. I think they just did their own thing. I can’t advised you very much about how non-Muslims practice polygamy, as I only know how it’s done according to Islam.

    I don’t know of any technicalities when it comes to staying off the government radar. If one wife has a Marriage License, as long as the other wife who doesn’t have a marriage license and doesn’t take her personal contract between she and the husband to the court for enforcement, then there shouldn’t be a problem. If, for instance, she did such a thing, they’d only would tell her polygamy is not legal and the contract is not enforceable. They don’t see it as a marriage. There is no reason to be fearful unless something is taking place such as what I explained in the previous post. Who is going to bother any of you about it? It’s based on my knowledge in the US. You need to know the laws in other countries.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2015

    tuleh, 🙂

    Hello. I hope you are well. I reread your post and will try to answer the questions as best I can.

    I think it was a rhetorical question when you stated, “I don’t even see anything in the New Testament saying that polygyny is now forbidden. So why does the Church and society say it is?” My answer would be, “I don’t know.” I really haven’t given it much thought.

    You said you wonder what is possible to do to give her (the other wife) more equality in the relationship. From what you described, all three of you seem to be okay with the set up as is. You, too, seem to be handling it well, as does your husband. If his other wife feels or thinks that she’s being treated unjustly or unfairly by him, she should let him know. She may be perfectly content with how things are going.

    Equality is relative, which many people don’t understand about polygamy. It’s complicated as well. Equality has a lot to do with what a person is willing to accept. It’s not absolute. Some women only see their husbands maybe twice a year or once every couple of years (they live in different countries). He is with the other wife the remainder of the time. It’s fair and just, if the wife with the less time accepts it. If she doesn’t accept it, divorce is available to her or she could try to work out a better arrangement with her husband. I say it’s complicated because only certain people will understand that a person is only going to get what Allah has decreed for the person anyhow. It’s the person who has peace and tranquility in the marriage and in life.

    It is very nice of you to be concerned with how she is doing. I’m sure if she has an issue, she’ll speak on it. You shouldn’t worry about it. You have enough to deal with than to concern yourself about making things better for her, if she’s not complaining. It’s just how I see it.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & a big hello to everyone

    I’m back relaxed and ready to deal with the daily run of the mill ha, ha, ha.

    I thank you all for holding down the fort and for helping one another while I was gone. Thank you all for your well wishes while I was away. I appreciate it. Insha Allah I’ll get myself together and will chat with you all a bit later today. Love and hugs to you all 🙂

  • Monroe

    October 27, 2015

    Ummof4 sis,

    Id have to disagree as well. my husband is well off he has many homes. My co wife and I can live in separate homes if we’d like but we both do not want to be away from our husband even for a few days. Before we both married him he told us he would like for us to live together as a family unit and we both agreed.I think to each their own. If a wife wants a separate dwelling so be it.If they want to share so be it. Thank you for the welcome.Im glad to be here.

    Sis Gail,
    My cowife has been married for 17 years so her two kids are young teens. My two are little.

    At everyone i don’t mean to paint this perfect picture believe me we have ups and downs like any family i just try to think positive always and look at the good in everything so my mind is trained not to go there just have faith and remember Allah before you speak before you think.Always put Allah first.Sis Gail you had me laughing when you
    said you miss your co wife like crazzzzzzyyy lol

    Sis Ana I hope you had a cherishable vacay 🙂

  • ummof4

    October 27, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Gail, it’s fine. We can agree to disagree. We all form opinions based on our life experiences. For the polygynous families that I know of that have good relations, each of the wives had her own home. However, the children were so close that it was often difficult to tell who was the mother of each child. The children all spoke of and still speak of having two mothers. It was similar to the show “Sister Wives” that comes on tv. Everyone was close and worked as a family, they just lived in separate homes. Even my own grown children still speak of my former co-wife as their other mother, since they grew up in polygyny.

    Thanks for asking about my eyesight. It’s constantly improving and I’m looking forward to my next surgery on my other eye in a couple of weeks, In shaa’Allah.

    Everyone, remember Allahu Akbar (Allah is the greatest) and we should direct all of our worship to Him and Him alone.

  • Gail

    October 27, 2015

    Ummof4,

    I have to disagree with u about all husbands wanting either being poor or wanting control over the wives if he insist on one home.In our case my husband and I wanted one home so the kids could all grow up together in one home.We tried for 7 months to split the kids I kept my son and she kept her kids and it lasted for 7 months and her son which I adopted kept telling her that his mom/me was coming back for him and he would go back to USA he was 5 or 6 that time and he would not accept living in a separate home.Even our daughter lived with my cowife until age 6 but she knew all her life she from an early age she was coming to USA to live with her family.
    I just think for some families it is a better fit to live together growing up together.My husband owns 8 businesses and 10 homes in Pakistan.For us it was never that we could not afford separate homes and as far as control I would say he is very weak in that area unfortunately as I wish him to be more of a leader.It has always been my word is final in our marriage.Obviously excowife could not deal that and she ended up divorced back at her parents home.
    I do believe if cowives want to live single then that is perfectly fine as well.I do believe u r correct in Aisha case though to a point because I do believe her husband has character flaws in the fact that he has given her a divorce so soon after marriage and he already divorced 2 wives which is sooo not cool.
    I can see where Aisha did desire to reach out to her family since he did give her a divorce.I feel horrible for her in light of this info.

    Hey how is your eyesight coming along are u still seeing better??? I bet it is amazing to be able to so much more clear!

  • Gail

    October 27, 2015

    Monroe,

    I totally agree with u that sharing a home and raising kids together can be so awesome.I also agree before the peace comes the storm.LOL
    I am very happy to hear all is going well in your family unit.I am curious how many kids do u and your cowife have all together.Do both of u get along with your inlaws.Are one or both of u kin to your husband(cousin marriages).
    U have the life I want.It’s so crazy because I miss my cowife like crazyyyyyy!
    It’s amazing when u r going through the storm how much u could kill your cowife but after it is over u laugh and say what were we thinking.I think cowives r more valuable than husbands at times hahahah
    At least a cowife can cook and change diapers and wash dishes hahahah

  • Gail

    October 27, 2015

    Aisha,

    Furthermore let me ask u did the other 2 wives have children with him? I am assuming they did not otherwise he would not have divorced them.I am just assuming so if u can clear this up.My gut says your husband is very immature and your cowife is a snake meaning she made trouble and got rid of the other two wives in the past and that is why she is acting all talk to the hand to u.Now it makes more sense.Look if I am right and the other two didn’t have children with him then if u don’t want divorce or will be ruined in your culture if he divorces u then u better think to get pregnant pretty fast.I hate to say this and I may be way off here but my gut instinct it unless u hurry up and get pregnant your cowife is going to stir the pot again as soon as she can.I think what might be going on she manipulates your husband since she hates polygamy.She might try to let people think he has got rid of all the wives but her so she looks good in other peoples eyes.It is pride thing.

  • Gail

    October 27, 2015

    Aisha,

    I have to ask why did your family marry u to a man that has divorced 2 wives? I am really surprised by this and him being 27.It means he is very immature and has no business practicing polygamy straight up.I see why u r afraid because he doesn’t have a good track record.I am scratching my head why our parents did this with u.

  • ummof4

    October 26, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Monroe welcome to the blog. You are in a unique sistuation and it seems to be working for all of you, Alhamdulillah. May Allah continue to bless you with peace and tranquility.

    Aisha you have stated that you are afraid of your husband, but you previously stated that he was a good man. A wife should not be afraid of her husband, that’s not the kind of relationship between a husband and a wife that Allah (SWT) describes in the Qur’aan. Your husband gave you a first divorce because you lied to him. Maybe he is a stickler for the truth. Remember he told you in the beginning that his wives had to live in the same house. Maybe he meant that his wives had to live in the same house in peace with no conflict. Now there is conflict and he is hearing it from both sides. Your co-wife does not accept polygyny as her way of life; that is obvious.

    Aisha, I am glad that you finally involved your family as Allah says in the Qur’aan. Only you can decide if you should stay or leave your marriage. Consult with wise Muslim family and friends who have your best interest at heart. Make a decision and make Salatul Istikharah and Allah will guide you.

    Everyone, I wonder why husbands are making it a condition that all of his family lives in the same house. That is not in the Qur’aan and is not in the life of Prophet Muhammad(SAWS) or the Prophet’s companions. Living in a duplex, next door to each other, in the same apartment building, in the same neighborhood, or in some countries in the same compound make more sense than living in the same small home. Sharing every bit of space in the home is enough to wear on any woman’s nerves. It’s one thing to want to please your husband and obey him in what is correct according to Allah’s book. It’s another thing to view him as your master and yourself as his servant or slave that must do the bidding of the master or face his wrath.

    My opinion (no scientific study, Qur’aan or hadeeth) is that husbands who want their whole family in one home, sharing all living space, do it primarily for two reasons. One reason is that it is cheaper and he cannot afford two households. The other reason is that he can have better control over his wives. And yes, I do mean control. This is just my opinion on the topic after living many years and seeing which polygynous marriages work best.

    May Allah bless us all with the proper belief and faith and willingness to submit ourselves to His will.

    (SAWS SaaAllahu alayhee was salaam – Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him.
    SWT – Subhana wa ta’ alaa – Glorious and High is He)

  • Aisha

    October 26, 2015

    Monroe he is 27 years old.. I am his wife number 4.. He has divorced 2 of his wives so it’s just me and my co wife.

  • Monroe

    October 26, 2015

    Sis Gail

    its lovely sharing a home. I don’t have to worry about my kids and I not seeing my husband and their father everyday. My co wives kids are like my own i love them to death. I know it sounds crazy at first living in one house but theres a lot more advantages. Maybe if the house was small and both wives bedrooms were smack dab right next to each other then thats a no no. My bedroom is on one floor and hers is on another. At first it was so tough don’t get me wrong. It did not start off like a bed of roses. You have to reach rock bottom before you can grow. You live and learn.

    Aisha, I was asking earlier if your husband was older because older people tend to have shorter tolerance spans and less patience hence him giving you one divorce 4-5 months in. Y’all have to find a way to communicate better. I can see the disadvantages in involving family because y’all can be going through it as anyone would in a marriage, you bad mouth your husband to your family,then you and him make up and don’t inform the family about the reunion then you wonder why they don’t want him at the bbq but then again you can’t just keep the pain and frustration in i now know this first hand because the more u sweep it under the rug it turns into resentment and anger.

    I wish you the best sister. Worry ends when faith begins

  • jasmina

    October 26, 2015

    Aisha

    I’m sorry to hear that your husband gave you a divorce. I agree that it is an overreaction. Considering that marriage is hard the first year and that he has been married before he should know this, I cannot see why he would be so harsh. Particularly when you a young bride newly wed have sacrificed so much to be with him. Not every girl is prepared to go into polygamy let alone live with the co-wife… so he should be someone what grateful and understanding. Having said that my husband doesn’t like me discussing things with family and has said if i ever do it would be an immediate divorce… so I think he was upset more about that than the lie as he’s let things go with the other one before.

    Sister stay strong, take a step back and analyse everything before making another move. I know that trying to undermine the other wife may seem like it will give you credibility however it’s not like that. they seem to have their own messed up way of living with each other, you don’t have to stoop to her level, it will just make you look bad. Keep your integrity and your honour in all things that you do with regards to this tricky situation from now to minimise any regrets later or escalating the situation.

    The thing now to analyse is, do you really want to sincerely want to stay in this marriage. Is this what you want for the rest of your life… the your time to answer this and if you do then put your trust in Allah He will help you through it. If you don’t then count your blessings and walk away on good terms and respectfully.

    I was about 5 months married when my husband told me he wanted to give me talak so he could tell the second wife he isn’t really married to me and so he could fix things with her. anyhow to cut a long story short I said no, I felt so disrespected how could it be that you play with marriage like that. Anyhow my point I had a chance to walk away. To this day I regret not running for my life, I was still 23 and no kids. I stayed in what was a very unfair and difficult marriage, and fell pregnant and then he divorced me anyway and left me and baby for years. Eventually he came back and it’s all the same old story and our marriage is not fulfilling. You shouldn’t feel scared to discuss intimate things with your husband, you shouldn’t feel like you have to lie our of fear of him, that is not a companionship built on love and mercy. Anyhow what I am trying to say is that a person’s character does not change, what you see is wat you get and you either accept it or move on.

    I don’t want to persuade you one way of another, but yeah in hindsight in my own situation i would move on then if I knew what I know now. I know my marriage will one day be fulfilling but hoowww long… just too much effort and work… 15 years already trying to cope with my husbands way of doing things… only now do i realise all these things, back then i was head over heels that I would ignore all the red flags.

  • Monroe

    October 26, 2015

    Aisha is your husband an older man? sorry if i overstepped, just wondering how can he be so intolerant over the little things and taking such a serious action for something so ridiculous. He sounds a bit controlling.

  • Aisha

    October 25, 2015

    SubhanAllah that’s amazing I’m so glad you guys worked things out Alhamdulilah… You’re 100% right I think I really need to renew my intentions and focus on myself..

    My husband has hacked into my phone and has been reading all my messages and he obviously seen me talking about my co to my family after she had sworn at me again. My husband confronted me out of fear I lied and he divorced me. I feel he overreacted I don’t think that was divorce worthy.. Yes I am wrong for lying but by Allah I am so scared of my husband he is very harsh and he shows no mercy now I know that sounds scary but that’s how he is.. Also my husband heard my co wife swearing at me bcus I had recorded it but she was not punished and I got divorced bcus I lied to him..
    My co wife has told me about how she has lied to him in the past about something more serious do you think I should bring this up with him? Or not? Or do you think I am overreacting?? I feel sick to think I’ve been married for 4 months and he has given me 1 divorce already. I’ve now involved my family but my wali is out of the country.

  • Monroe

    October 25, 2015

    For sure after hardship comes ease. co wife and I went through similar situations as you and your co. not being on speaking terms, doing petty crap like going behind each others back to our husband, competing for his love which is a huge mistake. theres a very fine line between loving Allah and loving your husband when in reality there is no comparison at all. You must put Allah first and your husband on the back burner. As long as you diffrentiate life will be good and you will be at peace. your husband is just another human being respect him but don’t worry too much about how much he loves you because at the end of the day Allah places that love in his heart to begin with. instead strive for the love and pleasure of Allah. everything else is background noise. I’ve been married for exactly 8 years alhumdullilaah. marriage is a working process either monogomous or polygamous

    Aisha after you get your priorities straight and always put Allah first and foremost, having the same living courters is a breeze. co wife and I get every two nights. Hang in there sis have faith in Allah and HE will guide you through this transition inshallah

  • Aisha

    October 25, 2015

    Gail I admire you sister! Sister ana may Allah swt Grant you the best of both worlds as so many sisters have benefited from this blog may Allah allow you to be sincere and grant you the highest rank of jannah
    Ameen X

  • Aisha

    October 25, 2015

    Jazakillahu Khyran for all the advice sisters!! X

  • Aisha

    October 25, 2015

    Wa alaykum asalaam sister Monroe..

    It’s nice to know someone can relate to my situation, Allahumaa baarik its really nice to know you’ve come past ure hard times w’Alhamdulilah surely after hardship comes ease… How long have you been married for sis? How do you find living in the same house? Do you have a night each?

  • Monroe

    October 25, 2015

    Sis Ana thank you so much for this site. i know it takes a lot of patience to keep it up and running for so long and repeating yourself over and over again telling people to follow the Quran in letter and word but know i have taken every word of yours and implemented it into my daily life. i came into polygamy blind. this site is my manual. Thank you thank you thank you. I thank Allah for guiding me here. its lovely reading everyones stories and its amazing to know how much we all have in common and how we can relate to the early stages of polygamy.

    Sis Gail I admire your character and how you can swallow your pride and take responsibilty for your actions in order to better yourself. the world would be a better place if we were all cable of this

  • Gail

    October 25, 2015

    Monroe,

    Welcome to the group! I am Gail and very happy u came forward as a second wife who lives in a joint family home.I was also a second wife who is raising my excowife children plus my own child.
    I can’t stress enough when u live in one home how important it is to be patient and hold fast to your morals when everything around u seems crazy as a loony bird.LOL Thankfully it will not last forever in most cases because I really believe in my heart that most people are good by heart esp if they are religious.Thats just my personal belief but I feel it for the most part to be true.
    Happy u came forward I hope u comment more in the future because it helps so much young woman living in one home with a cowife to give input and ideas of how to get along and make a good homelife.
    It’s funny for me personally I never could see myself living polygamy in separate homes because I and hubby wanted to raise our kids together and let teh children have the experience of growing up as real brothers and sisters living together.I have never regretted that part of polygamy however my excowife she was 12 yrs younger than my husband and I and she could not cope with us being older and not seeing things her way.She never excepted Polygamy and it ruined her.

  • Monroe

    October 25, 2015

    Salaamu alaikum all

    wow aisha i relate to your situation in a way. Im a second wife and i live with my husband and his first wife. it was very difficult at the beginning, a lot of drama but alhumdullilaah after much perseverance we are all very much content nowadays. Have faith in Allah and HE will get you through every test and trial as promised. I’ve been a silent reader for about a year now and just getting the courage to tell my story. Aisha we are around the same age. i knw how hard it is trying to have a relationship with the other wife just continue being nice but don’t chase, give salaams and soon she will come around. she’s probably just having a hard time as any first wife would. make lots of dues and ask Allah for guidance. i never thought I’d get through what I’ve been through Allah is Kind and Merciful. remember allah always

  • Gail

    October 25, 2015

    Ladies,

    I wanted to comment about living in one home verses separate homes since I have lived both ways with my excowife.
    The first thing I would say living in one home verses separate homes is like comparing Apples to oranges in the fact that in one home u can’t really altogether ignore your cowife.Well I guess u technically could but if u r eating together then that means u have to have some interaction.
    In my situation my cowife tried to stay away from me because she wanted hubby to divorce me so she had a negative agenda towards me that she just never got over.
    Obviously I played into her negativity and I became stressed out and negative back towards her.Looking back I see now it was the wrong move to make on my part.
    Just because someone is treating u like crap doesn’t mean u have to treat them like crap back.U can make a choice to take the moral high ground.
    I see it like this if a person is lashing out because they have cancer and are angry u would feel sorry for that person because u know logically they r hurting because they just got life altering news and r trying to process this so logically we would not hold against them anything.Well it is the same with a cowife if u see she just got life altering news that is going to change her life then u might think to be a little more compassionate even though she might be using u for a punching bag.
    I get it that pride and ego takes over and knowone likes to be mentally disturbed or have to take crap from a cowife but sometimes one should take one for the team.
    I just feel looking back and knowing what I know now I wish I would have given my excowife a hug and told her everything was going to be ok and just hang in there.I don’t care now about the past I only care that I did the wrong thing at that time.My morals mean more to me than my pride but at that time my pride and ego meant more and that was the lesson I learned from living in the same home with my excowife.
    Life is not a joke and and the morals we learn need to be applied in every situation.One must not make excuses that their cowife is acting nasty to them so that gives them a free pass to act nasty back.Two wrongs never make a right as the old saying goes.
    I am not saying u have to go hug your cowife everyday but instead I am saying don’t let other peoples emotions affect u.
    As far as living in separate homes it is very easy because u can live separate lives and u have little to no interaction with your cowife so in that respect life is easier.It goes really deep.I have given alot of thought to this issue because I use to be an ego pride driven person all my life until I had to deal with polygamy.Now i see things so much different.

  • Gail

    October 24, 2015

    Ana,

    Hope u had a nice vacation!

  • Gail

    October 24, 2015

    Aisha,

    Keep trying u have a good heart but u don’t need to be up hugging her all the time.U just focus on u and be nice and helpful and do the morally right things and u will be fine.If she accepts fine if she don’t fine.If your cowife is a morally decent person she will come around eventually.Your marriage is new she is grieving it is understandable.I would say though don’t ignore her because then u r going down on her level just be u and be happy and let her figure out herself.Everything takes time.

  • Gail

    October 24, 2015

    Ana,
    Yeah I am going to try that approach but I am telling u straight the inlaws issue is still not sitting well with me.I don’t like being a horses @ss but the inlaws.I wish I could let things go but in all honesty I don’t know.

  • Aisha

    October 24, 2015

    Scorpio I’m from the UK

  • Aisha

    October 24, 2015

    Thank you so much for the advice! I’m going to just focus on my deen myself and my husband insha’Allah..
    XXxXX

  • Scorpio83

    October 24, 2015

    As reassuring all your comments are I wanted to ask if any of you girls / sisters actually live in the UK … No pressure

  • tuleh

    October 24, 2015

    Thank you, Ana, and I hope you and your husband have a really wonderful vacation together.
    I look forward to your answers and am grateful that you will take the time to do this when you get home. I am glad you are putting boundaries on how much time you spend on the computer while on vacation. Glad you are putting your time with your husband first.
    Blessings to you.

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2015

    Gail,

    I meant to say, try to be more receptive to your husband when he tries to make amends.

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2015

    Sabr and tuleh,

    It will take more time to respond to your posts. I will try to do it when I get back home to my computer.

    Sabr, I pray you are feeling better.

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2015

    Gail,

    I’m happy for you that you and your hubz are getting along nicely now. Inshallah Allah, It will continue. Ummof4 is right that many men find any excuse to blame their wives for what they feel guilty about. It includes polygamy, porn or whatever.

    One thing I’d suggest, if I may, is that you stop beating up on your husband or stop rejecting him when he tries to make up with you. He had to swallow his pride to do it. Try to be more kind and accepting. I totally get that you went through a lot and was hurt. It’s understandable you’d want to lash out at him. If it pleases Allah try to refrain in the future. 🙂

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2015

    Aisha,

    Ummof4 is absolutely correct. Allah gave us the Quran. It’s our guide and instruction. If you, your co, and your husband want to ignore what Allah says and you want to do things your way, you will suffer the consequences. Allah spells out in the Holy Quran what married people should do when having marital problems. So you think you could do something different and get positive results? Do you know better than Allah?

    As for your co, stop kissing her butt. Stop chasing her down and groveling to her. She doesn’t want a relationship with you and doesn’t have to have one with you. If the time comes for you two to become friends, it will happen in Allah’s time. She has zero respect for you chasing after her. The time and energy you spend chasing her you should spend chasing Allah. I learned a lot of things the hard way. Unlike you, I didn’t have anyone to tell me.

    Your co-wife is all jacked up right now. Will she always be? Allah knows best. As Gail said, a first wife gets know free pass to behave badly. She is suffering becuz of her belief or lack of. You can’t fix her. Only Allah can. She has to get right with Him.

    Stop chasing her. What a person chases run from the person. You’ve approached her in an admirable way. She rejected you. Let her come to you or leave her alone. You may find that if you back up off her and give her room to breath she may come to you.

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & How Do You Do, All? 🙂

    I’m just popping in and out quickly. Insha Allah, I will be back in a few days to talk with everyone in depth. Hubz and I are enjoying the vacay, Alhumdulliah 🙂 I’ll comment to those who I can quickly on the phone for now.

    Lynn, as Fatimah mentioned you could pretend your husband is on a business trip when he is with his other wife, if it makes you feel better. Note, however, don’t expect the way you feel as a whole to ever get better while doing so. He is NOT on a business trip. He is with his wife when he is away with her. It’s the reality. Until you can acknowledge and accept it you will never accept polygamy, nor will you accept Allah who allowed your husband to be polygamous and selected his wife for him. Not to live in reality is a form of mental illness. You are rejecting what is real. You are rejecting the truth.

    About the number of days your co gets, you should be grateful to Allah for the days He has given you with your husband. Allah says verily His servants are ungrateful. Allah has given you all those days with your husband while your co gets only 6 days a month. Show your gratitude to Allah and be thankful. Before you could do it, you have to acknowledge and accept that your husband is polygamous, otherwise, you will continue to be in the rut you are in. Allah says He will not change a person’s condition until the person changes what is in his or her heart. Things won’t just magically get better. You must do the work to get there.

  • Fatimah

    October 24, 2015

    Aisha,
    Im a first wife but i have to say, that’s totally uncalled for on the part of your co wife. At the same time is obvious she’s acting out bc her husband got married again. She’s hurt and your presence is a reminder of her daily insecurity that he chose you whoch makes her feel that something is wrong w her. All her behaviors are telling of her feeling very insecure. I’m not going to disagree w Gail in her advice bc it seems good in the eye sight of Allah swt but I cant bring myself to agree either bc I wouldn’t do it. But thats my pride talking. The most pleasing things to Allah are very hard on the lower self. You do what u feel is right but i don’t think you should lose yourself in doing so. I feel bad for both of you. Do you have any friends? Can u leave all day and pick up hobbies? Hang out w friends? I think it’s important to create a life outside of those walls ornyour going to die emotionally. I dont involve my mom bc she cant handle it. She dislikes my husband for what he does and so does my dad. I talk to them but they just try their best to support me. And when u and him make up, or her, your family will still hold a grudge.You really need some sort of outlet to maintain your sanity. All tests end Aisha. Nothing lasts forever. Today its u and tomorrow itll be her.

  • Gail

    October 23, 2015

    Aisha,

    If u were living separate i would advise u much differently like u don’t have to deal her etc.. but your situation is such that u live together and u must make it work esp if hubby can’t afford two homes and then u have the situation to where u will be having kids with hubby as well and u don’t want her acting up and being cruel to your kids in the future.In my case I am raising my excowife’s two children and she has nothing to do with them.It is very hard on me emotionally.I don’t like the way my personal situation was handled so this is why I say try your best.
    U will figure out after awhile if she is going to adjust or not.If u feel in your heart she is a good person then just keep trying.

  • Gail

    October 23, 2015

    Aisha,

    Is she pregnant right now because if she is then I would not do much of anything until after she births the baby she is running on hormones right now.
    Are both u girls the same age range or is she much older than U? Age does tend to play role when u have a large age gap with the older trying to run over the younger.
    Other than u coming right out and asking her what is eating at her and to level with u so u girls can fix it(throw the ball in her court) and see what she says although I imagine more than likely if she has a chip on her shoulder she will play it off and say nothing is wrong and u r imagining things then that means AKA… get ready because she is going to start screaming at hubby that u r acting up saying she upset with u when she is not(basically she will lie on u to hubby so u need to get ready for some drama if she is not going to open up to you)Now in saying that if I were u I would try to talk to her first and if u can’t get her to open up then I would got to hubby and tell him straight up that u feel tension with her and u want him to talk with her and get to the bottom of it because if she is not going to talk to u then she has got to talk to hubby because her anger,jealous etc.. is like a nasty boil that is going to fester and pop and u need to tell him this straight up and if he chooses to ignore it then he is going to have hell to pay down the line.She will be nasty to u and then she will start manipulating him into being nasty with u and yeah I hope u get the point so this needs to be stopped.Don’t blame her though is my advice because she is struggling emotionally.It’s not u at all it is Polygamy and any woman that was there married to her husband she would have an issue with it just happens to be u there thats all so please don’t take personal and rise above her feelings and don’t let her emotions bring u down.If she is pregnant then taking on a few extra chores or asking her if she needs a massage to help her out just anything.Also I will tell u the truth if family is around and u praise her on her cooking or something she has done that will go a long way and praise her to your husband as well the things u do like about her.It’s a beautiful first step that shows compassion.U be the person u want her to be understand.If by some miracle hubby sits u both down together then tell her the things u like about her let her know u value her.It would be nice to hear since she is going through so much emotional turmoil in her head.U might not see the effects of your kindness right away but just be patient and sincere and not good deed ever goes unnoticed.For sure brag in her in front of others that alone will help her not to feel like cat with it hair standing up and other people will see u as kind heart person.I hope this helps.
    Listen another thing DO NOT feed into her negative energy u be happy happy happy and sing and act normal.If u stop feeding into her negativity she will get burned out on her own negative emotions and start to relax.U can do this and u will be much happier later on because u took the higher road.This is what I mean about u dragging her along.U keep positive and happy no matter what she tosses at u and ignore her bad behavior if she will not talk to u and flat be bold and smile and tell her straight u r going to love her though it.
    There is a song by Martina Mcbride I am gonna love u through it.It is for woman that have breast cancer but honestly being emotionally negative is a type of Cancer that eats away at your soul.If u can listen to it and I think it will give u strength and pray alot to Allah/G.D to give u wisdom and guide u to help her.I sense u r a very strong young woman.

  • Aisha

    October 23, 2015

    I totally agree with you sister Gail, I have a feeling it will only get worse to involve my family. I have tried soooo hard with the woman the other night I went to her and I gave her a hug and I told her I’m not here to cause fitna or take her husband away from her she didn’t really respond I thought we’ve cleared the air but still nothing.. This has happened loads of times now where I always chase after.. Even after she swears at me I still reassure her and forgive her without a doubt but now it’s all too much.. I do try staying out the way but it’s a bit difficult when we live in the same house we share the same kitchen same bathroom etc.. The thing I don’t understand is we wer fine in the beginning we would talk to one another I even went with her for her pregnancy scan.. I’ve babysitted for her whilst her and my husband have been out together i genuinely did it because I wanted to do and of course for the sake of Allah and do please my husband.. I don’t understand what changed.. Where did I go wrong?? Also the issue of not covering her aurah in front of me is becoming slightly embarrassing.. I’m quite shocked my husband hasn’t said anything to her.. My husband is a very difficult person to talk to hence why I keep everything to myself.. When I do speak to him he tells me I’m being ungrateful etc
    I know sabr is key I didn’t expect my marriage to be a bed of roses I knew it would come with many tests but the issues that are taking place are really pathetic.. It’s driving my crazy not knowing what’s bugging the co wife I’ve asked her 1000 X what it is I’ve done wrong but sister Gail I think you’re right I don’t think it’s person.. I think in the beginning she was putting on a brave face and now reality has hit her. Any tips on how I can make it easier for her? Except for obviously divorcing her husband bcus that would clear all her problems lol and I can’t move out.. So what could I do?

    BarakAllahu feekum for all the naseeha sisters. I’m so glad I posted on this blog! Xxx

  • Gail

    October 23, 2015

    Ana,

    Something really out of the blue happened 2 days back.My husband and I had a huge blowout and i flat told him to not come home I was locking him out and going to talk to a lawyer myself an get a restraining order against him that I have had it and hung up the phone.
    He calls back within like 10 minutes and tells me he is really sorry and that he seen he is wrong and is going to change.
    Obviously I was shock as this was a first for my husband.I flat put the phone on speaker and me and the kids just blasted his A$$ very hard.
    I don’t know what happened but he came home and took us out for steaks and loaded the table down with all kinds of foods.The waitress at Applebee’s commented we must have been really hungry because the bill came up to around 100 dollars.We all just looked at each other and laughed and though she had no idea.
    I am still in shock what the crap has happened.The kids came right out and told him straight everything.Well my 10 yr old did for certain.
    I just wanted to let u know what happened as I am still in shock.
    I will fill u in more later.
    Oh he pulled me aside and swore to me he is not having an affair he has been communicating with his brothers and sisters and showed me all his text and swore to me he would never cheat.I don’t know what is going on with him exactly but i do plan on getting to the bottom of it.Maybe something going on in his family.Right now my mind is blown.

  • Gail

    October 23, 2015

    umof4,

    I personally am against getting anyone involved between cowives this early into the marriage.I know looking back when I lived with my cowife it would have created more tension between us.This is the time the two lades have to figure out how to live together and form a one family unit.
    Gosh remembering back I remember is was so hard sitting in a room with my cowife having a chip on my shoulder and her as well.I can remember many a times wanting to screaming in my head thinking just Shoot me now NO better yet just shoot her.lol
    In all honesty though my cowife mom did try to get involved and went to my MIL and that caused world war 3 between my cowife and husband and myself.So much so I demanded my husband give her oral talaq and get rid on her or I was flying back to the states taking the boys and filing divorce.
    I would NEVER IN a MILLION yrs recommend getting outsiders involved between cowives ESPPPPPP Mothers.Thats like adding fuel to the fire in my opinion.
    I will say this even had her meddling mother stayed out of it her daughter would still be married.Needless to say I can not stand m excowife mother.lol

  • Gail

    October 23, 2015

    Aisha,

    Listen straight up one more thing talk to her and u to girls make a pact that is anyone and I mean ANYONE even your mothers ask about your sex life U will never speak of not only your sex life but your personal life to anyone.U go to her and u ask her if she wants to make a pact with u.Tell her verbally.I am serious this will be a huge help to u both if u both stand side by side and NEVER speak open about your private life.

  • Gail

    October 23, 2015

    Aisha,

    What u r going through is COMPLETELYYYY Normal.Don’t stress out ok and I agree with u DON”T get your parents involved I am totally against getting parents involved and I tell u why.Straight up this is your and your cowife and your husbands marriage.If u bring in a third party with this marriage being so new it will create a greater rift between u and your cowife and that is not what u want.
    First of all I will give u advice to ask your cowife to do lunch with u if u both don’t already do this.If u don’t then u make a nice lunch her favorite dish or favorite desert and u talk to her and u tell her u understand this is really hard for her and that u have joined a polygamy group and other wives are giving u advice.You embrace her is what I am saying.If u will not see her as the enemy but as your cowife(the closest person to u and think in your brain that this girl is struggling and hurting OBVIOUSLY) and u are going to drag her(out of love) to the finish line(loving marriage) then thats what u will just have to do.Obviously she is going to kick and scream but if u can stay steady and keep loving her knowing she is suffering then that is the way to go.
    Look I lived in a polygamous marriage 8 yrs and off and on I lived with my excowife and G.D knows looking back her and I struggled and suffered separately.Looking back I see it was so crazy because there was zero need to suffer.I think not really meaning to and sometimes meaning to out of jealousy I personally made her suffer where need not be.
    I will say think a million times before u react negative to her.Just ask her straight what is bothering her it might be something as little as u hold your mouth the wrong way or something as major as she can’t deal with sharing her husband.Obviously speaking she is having a hard time adjusting to polygamy.I am pretty certain her EGO has taken the hit of a lifetime and in her mind she is thinking u r the woman that her husband picked as second wife.She is suffering and believe meeeee it is not personal as much as it seems it is I swear to u it is not.
    All u need to do is keep reaching out to her and love her through it.You can do this and yes it is D@mn hard when u see her suffering and acting out towards u but u can do this and all u have to do is every single time she slaps your hand u just keep extending it back to her.U tell her straight u are there for her and that u didn’t just marry your husband to get just the man u love her to.U will see if u try eventually it will get better.U are married now and this is just part of polygamy and basically now the real work begins.Honeymoon is over so to speak so get busy talking to your cowife and tell her straight u both r in this together and your husband is only using u two if sex is the issue and their is NOTHING to feel bad about.She didn’t loose her husband she gained she didn’t loose anything.Until u believe this she is not going to believe it so u must pump yourself up and get excited about your life and u ladies start making plans to get your family financially better.What I mean is talk to her and get her excited to and u both get busy together in building your family life.

  • Aisha

    October 23, 2015

    Wa alaykum asalaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

    I guess I’m just scared to get my family involved as everyone was pretty much againts the idea of me marrying him which is understandable being a 2nd wife at the age of 22 isn’t exactly any parents dream. I’ve only been married for 4 months and I’m just worried it’s too soon to say anything.. But I am considering getting my family involved as before I married my husband my co wife had a meeting with my mum and she was reassuring her etc maybe I should get my mum to confront her now and ask her why she has changed towards me..
    How do you think I should react with her? On a day to day basis in the morning if I see her I give her salaam but she doesn’t reply so I leave it to that we will be in the same room for hours but we will not speak to one another it’s really quite sad subhanAllah

  • ummof4

    October 22, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Aisha, I do not understand why you do not want to get your family involved in your situation; why you do not want to get your walee involved. Allah tells us in the Qur’aan to consult with our family when marriages have problems.

    I will be quite frank with you. Your husband told you before you married him that he would only have one household. You agreed to it. Now it is obvious that it is not working the way that was expected, and you want change. Your husband has stated that if you want to leave he will divorce you. It sounds to me that your husband wanted to have someone help his wife in the home and it was much cheaper to marry you than to hire a maid. You state that your husband is a good man, but he won’t pay any attention to your concerns. How is that a good man?

    May Allah help you and all of us as we go through this life of tests and trials.

  • Dos

    October 22, 2015

    Greetings to Everyone! Aisha I relate to your last post. I feel like I may have to start recording interactions with my co. She is one way in front of husband & family and a totally different person otherwise. I understand and I have been patient but it’s getting old.I considered living together but with all the drama lately, I have decided I want to live in peace and not some bipolar psychotic episode day in and day out. I’m a laid back person more life experience and considered myself supportive of co-housing. The situation now has me not even wanting share an elevator ride with this woman,so I can’t wrap my head around sharing a living space. Husband is in disbelief that wonder-wife has an evil streak that I am the now focus of. Every incident has been explained away and because I expressed concern I’m the bad guy for suggesting that won

  • Aisha

    October 22, 2015

    JazakAllahu Khyran to everyone who advised me, it really does mean a lot.. My husband has made it clear to the both of us he will not have us living separately if either of us wants to leave he will happily give us a divorce. Sister ana I am a born Muslim Alhamdulilah so my family are all Muslim and yes I have a wali but the last thing I would want to do is involve my family.. Just yesterday my co wife verbally abused me again calling me a tart and a slag etc I remained quite she rang my husband crying on the phone feeding him lies but Alhamdulilah i had recorded the whole incident which proved her to be a liar.. She hasn’t apologised to me she is still ignoring me and slamming doors to show her anger towards me.. She is due to have her second baby soon I am praying things get better once she gives birth but it looks very unlikely..
    Believe it or not Alhamdulilah my issues are not to do with polygamy itself I do not regret coming into a polygamous marriage what I do regret is falling for my co wives fake promises how she said she will welcome me Into her home along with a million other lies she told.. But i leave it between her and Allah I feel like I’m starting to change as a person I feel very isolated and emotionally drained..
    People always assume it’s mainly the 2nd wife causing issues into the marriage that really isn’t always the case

  • Scorpio83

    October 22, 2015

    Only the nikkah has been done. ruksati and walima is still pending
    There is a possible 6 months -1 year wait in that
    I wish he would have bought her home by now maybe I wouldn’t feel as bad ( that’s just my feeling on the matter)
    I have to say his family are very supportive towards me …. But as I said before because I don’t have my family’s support and no “friends ” I really have a hard time convincing myself sometimes

  • Fatimah

    October 22, 2015

    Scorpio83
    Salaam
    How long has it been since ur husband married? Ill tell u the same thing Ana told me, its perfectly normal how u feel. Ups and downs. Just dontn let the downs keep u down. Im sitting here bc i known ur pain,i feel your pain and my heart goes out to you. Your husband probably means it that his feelings has not changed. We just have a hard time bc they have another wife, sharing and imagining him w the other one. I know all about the knowing someone else is waiting back at home for him. Its a deep feeling but InshaAllah over time, the pain lessens and you resume life as it was in some way. If your husband is caring and affectionate, eat it like a lollipop bc many dont g e thst treatment and some times push them away. Try to focus on you and him. I know its hard. Build your relationship w Allah swt. HIS love is the only true and real love.

  • Scorpio83

    October 22, 2015

    When my husband says to me ” nothing has changed” and he tries to show me that his feelings towards me hasn’t changed even though he has married again Again why do I feel so lost so confused
    I can’t keep ahold of my emotions
    One minute I will be content and the next I will break down
    Deep down I know my heart knows he has a wife waiting for him “back home”
    Unfortunately I have had to take up counselling to get help with my negative feelings
    Sometimes I wish I had friends who I could turn to … But unfortunately for me this world is a very lonely place.
    unfortunately I cannot turn to family or relatives….. They are there to judge and criticise not to support
    I know Allah listens and he sees but I wish I could get a sign or something to let me know things will be ok

  • jasmina

    October 22, 2015

    Assalamu alaykum, Just popping in to say hi. If the discussion is about non-polygamy related topics then that’s got to be good, guess most people are doing okay in their marriages. Aisha that sounds aweful, you are only 22 years old… dont settle for anything less than what you deserve as a Muslima and insha’Allah your hubby will come to his senses and give you what you deserve, which is your own household and family. Sister I know that share a home still have their own living space within the home, their own kitchen own bath, sometimes one lives upstairs and other downstairs.

    I’m going well. Nothing has changed,my husband comes home late, and it’s generally a non-fulfilling marriage but my perspective is changing. I don’t msg or call or chase my husband anymore, just don’t feel the need whatsoever. It’s been almost 2 weeks already and so far holding on steadily, I hope to keep it up longer insha’Allah. I feel Allah is responding to my du’a and helping me get through this.

  • ummof4

    October 21, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum ans hello to all,

    Gail, that’s one of the oldest excuses in the book. Some husbands blame their wives for their looking at porn; some blame their wives for their adultery; some blame their wives for their weight gain; some blame their wives for their drug abuse; some blame their wives for inflicting domestic violence. It’s easy to blame someone else for your own shortcomings, weaknesses and sins. As a teacher in college years ago, one famous line of students who didn’t do any work was that they failed because I was Muslim and did not like non-Muslims.

    Ladies we can agree to disagree on approaches to situations, but we should not disagree on what Allah has given us in the Qur’aan.

    Grim and Tuleh, please stay with us. It’s nice when new people join the blog. Laila, hope to meet you one day to compare notes as educators.

  • Gail

    October 20, 2015

    Well I got blamed for m husband watching porn tonight go figure

  • tuleh

    October 20, 2015

    Thank you, Gail!
    I am touched by your story and the others too.
    Thank you so much for sharing, so others can learn, and feel they are not alone.

  • Mari2

    October 20, 2015

    @Gail
    tumeric is a great root to cleanse the blood. But it is a blood thinner along with cinnamon. I love turmeric for it’s blood cleansing properties. However on Thursday I am having a papilloma excised from my breast. In addition to not having advil for 10 days prior to surgery, I have been instructed to forgo turmeric and cinnamon as well.

  • Fatimah

    October 20, 2015

    Hey Laila
    I totally agree with you but I think you didn’t read my first post all the way. I never said anything about rubbing it in anyone’s face or dogging anyone. I think we’re playing tag w the same thing over and again. Lol. But its all good tho. Alhamdulillah your companion is changing. We never know what touches a persons heart and what Allah swt uses to guide them, you know? Love wss the foundation of Prophet Muhammad SAWS, and he SAWS was the mercy to all mankind. Ppl became Muslim in droves duebti his SAWS kindness and mercy to thenless fortunate so yes ido agree with whatur saying in regards to how we deal with ppl in helping them w troubles

  • Gail

    October 19, 2015

    Tuleh,

    Welcome to the blog!

  • Laila

    October 19, 2015

    Fatimah. I don’t find it weird because we live in a world where there are many types of people and many different ways of living. I for one don’t like shunning the person. If I can find a way to reach out then I will do it. I think sometimes people loose their way. But we as friends are supposed to motivate them in a subtle manner and help them out. It may take years or months but I’m sure at some point they will realize and repent. As in the case of my dear friend. So yes, we agree to disagree. I just found the word “weird” to be something that didn’t sit right with me. Yes it is haram to be a gay. There are many other things that are haram. Do we rub it in their faces? Do you think that they aren’t aware? Yes they are aware. Trust me on that. I just feel that sometimes we also need to look into the circumstances of their background. As an educator, I used to simply sort of have a black and white perspective towards the world and also to my students, but all that has changed. I now look into many other factors that contribute towards ones lack. Once you start investigating and scratching the surface you will see all the gruesome facts. At that moment you actually feel down. I have a friend but we lost contact. She was molested at such a young age by her own uncle. She never prayed and she was in every sense a free thinker. Friends used to say that she’s a problem on two legs. I used to think the same. Till one day she broke down and told me her story. You feel sad for friends like these. Because you feel so helpless. If only my other friends knew her deep rooted psychological problems.

  • Fatimah

    October 19, 2015

    Salaam Laila
    Yes I’m entitled to feel that its weird to be gay as a Muslim when its a clear abomination to all relgions. I never said not to help the individual or throw them to the street. No I dont know what made them go that route and im not bashing anyone for it. Going thru things isnt an excuse to do what Allah says not to. HOWEVER since we are humans and that’s what we do, make mistakes, Allah swt is oft forgiving most merciful. But is it wrong for a Muslim to acknowledge that being gay is haram in Islam? I can see if i started actin a fool and sayin horrible things but i didn’t. If someone who i cared about told me they were, id do everything in my power to help them.

  • Fatimah

    October 19, 2015

    Ana
    Yea i agree. U cant just bust in, new sayin stuff, knowing nothing.

  • Gail

    October 19, 2015

    Ana,

    Strangely I don’t really care.On a scale of 10 of giving a crap what he is doing is max a 2 and that is only because the kids see him and what he is doing and it is morally wrong.As far as me and my feelings anytime i start to get upset that he is cheating in the open I just remind myself I have made up my mind and plan on sticking to it.
    My problem is I don’t have work in the winter months and I have to save money just to get by so going to start a divorce in the winter months is not an option for me otherwise I would.I should have filed yrs ago but I thought let the kids get older and I was scared if 1% the courts would not favor me because I had been ill that time.I really want to thank Coco so much because of her I started taking all kinds of spices esp tumeric honey and black pepper and the cumin and cardamom and boy do i feel a million times better. I was feeling pain throughout my entire body like just horrible tired muscles well not anymore I feel like a million bucks.I really believe more than my vitamins being low some trace minerals in my body were low like maybe copper etc…. and inflammation has always been a huge problem for me.
    I am even doing tumeric mask.Overhaul i feel my husband is free to go I don’t even care and I am not really even angry because I know we r not a match and never were so it makes it easier for me and to know he is a cheater well that makes me feel morally superior to him to be honest.
    I see it like this Why on G.D earth should I or would I cry for a cheating,lying,thieving Fool? I learned my life lesson of picking strays off the street and getting flees but NEVER again.The next time around I will pick a pure bred!! I know all the qualities I seek in a husband now so I will just wait and see if that man comes into my life.I really do see it like this.
    I will never cry over a looser.

  • Gail

    October 19, 2015

    Grim,

    I was thinking maybe u would elaborate more about your life being a third wife and how it works.I think it might be very difficult being a third wife but I really have no idea.As far as u being married and 4 wives I find it interesting.
    As far as all the Islamic stuff I am not Muslim so I really don’t comment on anything that is Islamic to much.
    My husband is Muslim but in my world that is a joke to be frank because he has cheated on me from before day one of our marriage.I find him to be an insufferable human being and I don’t say that lightly as I am a good natured person by heart.
    I do tend to think personally Muslim men are very cruel and just down right sick minded for the most part and I will NEVER marry another and not because of Islam but because I find them to be perverted and disgusting on all moral levels.I am sure there are some good ones but to me that would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack as far as I was concerned and I have to wear glasses so the odds r against me.lol

  • Laila

    October 19, 2015

    Why must it be weird that someone is gay? Do we even know what that person went through and what made the person to divert towards being a gay? I rather befriend and help the person in the dilemma then to ignore and treat them like they don’t matter. I think it’s not weird. That are many factors that contribute towards ones behavior. Unfortunately not everyone comes from a solid family based background. To make them realize that and to break the walls that they have built to protect themselves over the years takes love, patience and a lot of understanding. Even the most impossible things happen when you hold out your hand and not rub it in their face that what they are, are abominations in the Quran but rather to help them out.

  • tuleh

    October 19, 2015

    Thank you so much, Ana. This warm welcome is a huge relief for me. I respect you all so much. I am glad to know I am welcome here. Thank you. Please do tell me if/when I ever step on any toes. And I am eager for your (any and all of you) insight and advice. And I will not take offense if you tell me things that “anyone” would know. I’m new to so many things, including this country. So much to learn.
    Gratefully,
    tuleh

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2015

    tuleh,

    Another thing, you don’t need to be Muslim to be here on this blog and we don’t try to convert anyone. Just be you.

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2015

    tuleh,

    I like that you are here. There is no need for you to move on. You are welcome here.

    I want to answer your questions and discuss it with you. I’ll have to get back to you though as I’m going to be tied up for a while. I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Maybe others will imput in the interim.

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2015

    Grim,

    When I mentioned that you commented without sharing, I was referring to your initial post. You shared only after I commented about it.

    I didn’t know if you expected a response or not to your second post. I thought you were simply letting us know you are in a polygamous marriage; there are 4 of you and you all get along. It’s very nice to hear. Alhumdulliah. Thank you for sharing 🙂

  • tuleh

    October 19, 2015

    Thank you, Ana.
    I have read so much here now.
    I am overwhelmed by all the stories.
    It seems so hard for so many.
    I appreciate how you and others continue to write posts reminding that men who choose polygamy choose double responsibility. It is not easy for them or at least it should not be. They are choosing to take the role of peacekeeper if they want to be good husbands to more than one wife. They need to be fair in their dealings. And it seems that some are not.

    I want to be honest with you. I am not a Believer or even Muslim. I am Christian but very confused. I track that for most of history, men have been allowed to have more than one wife, plus concubines. I don’t see anything in the Old Testament saying polygyny is a sin, but many descriptions of it being celebrated or at least fully acceptable, as long as the husband did not let himself be led astray by his wives (like Solomon).

    I don’t even see anything in the New Testament saying that polygyny is now forbidden. So why does the Church and society say it is?

    My husband loves me and is a very good husband to me and an incredible father to our children. I only want what is good for him and for us. He is not made to have only one woman. Moreover, he is exceptionally skilled at managing two of us (meaning, no jealousy, no drama.) As we speak, he is with his other woman and he loves her. When he told me he was in love with her, and I could see that he was energized and uplifted by their relationship, I could only support him and them. I am very protective of the people I love. I worry about how it is for him and her to live like this, as they have for half a year now. I wonder what is possible to do, to give her more equality in the relationship.

    I can’t ask Christians because they would only judge and tell us we will burn in hell. (And the Mormon faith is not one I connect with.) I can’t really ask anyone, because they will think I am crazy and that he is a very bad man. He is not. He was made like this and as I said, I don’t even think he is sinning as long as he formalizes their relationship somehow, and I wonder what happened at least to concubines as they were in the Old Testament.

    I want peace and acceptance for him and for us. I don’t know what to do. I am relieved to hear that as long as we are off the government’s radar, we can move into this territory, but unsure of the technicalities.

    I don’t even know what to ask. I think I need a lesson on Biblical morality but I don’t know anyone I would listen to. So I would love to hear any insight any of you have. And if my questions are too far off topic for you (potential polygyny but not within the context of Islam) I understand if you would like me to move on to someplace else. I don’t mean to offend.

    I wonder how your children do in American schools, for example. How do they manage to integrate with children of the monogamous mainstream, are they at risk of evoking child protective services if they say too much? Like that lady in Oklahoma whose 11year old son was taken from her because he said pot had saved his Crohn’s disease affected mother’s life?

    I am not worried about the internal parts of the marriage but I am worried how it would affect the children. When the 2nd wife lives in another dwelling, do they simply not speak about the nature of that relationship, so the children of both wives can seem “normal” in this restricted society? How do you pull this all off in a wholesome way? I yearn to learn from you.

    Are my questions silly or offensive? I apologize if so. It is not my intention. I just don’t know who to ask. I feel like my eyes have been opened to something that is right in the eyes of our Lord, whichever name we call Him by. But fraught with judgment all around us.

    Blessings to each of you, I wish upon you. You are all beautiful souls, striving to be pleasing in the eye of our Lord. I am humbled by your devotion and sincerity and only wish well for you.

  • Grim

    October 19, 2015

    Ana, I did share. Since I was asked questions, and people stated interest, I did share.

    I got no response however, so there was no interest after all.

    But why say “I shared nothing”?

    And nobody answered me, what dogmas of Islam we are not supposed to live by.

    Please criticize me if you wish, but I’d appreciate if the criticism was truthful.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2015

    Fatimah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I heard what everyone said. My position is I don’t want some mini Talaban mentality person coming up to me sizing me up and monitoring how I look, what I say and what I do and commenting to me about it. If I want someone’s help, I’ll ask for it. Otherwise the person could mind his own business, which Allah lets us know we are supposed to do. Many Muslim think they have a right to impose themselves on others. They don’t care what Allah says about it, which is apparent by all that is happening in the Muslim world. There is no compulsion in Islam, which many Muslims fail to understand. They don’t know what leave people alone and let Allah deal with them mean.

    When a person such as the one who showed up yesterday from somewhere out of the blue – had never been here before – shares nothing – and want to input her two cents, I don’t take very kindly to it. Nor do I take kindly to the other one that tried to get through after her, whose comment I trashed who did similar.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2015

    Gail,

    Aishah2014’s situation was very sad as she wanted him to change and no matter what she did or whom she sought help from, it didn’t happen. He remained the same. If wives can’t deal with what their husbands do and it matters so much to her, it’s on her to make the move. One could either deal with it or leave. He wasn’t entirely neglectful of her. He just didn’t get there EVERY night to say goodnight to the kids the way she wanted him to. He showed up late on her nights. He’d take the other wife to work everyday. Some of the complaints some of the ladies have today, such as he shows up late on her night.

    The whole polygamy thing goes way deep. A lot has to do with one’s belief in Allah. Once one grows in faith she views what’s happening in life from a different perspective and it all become easy to live with so much joy. It’s has to do with progression. One needs to keep growing and keep it moving forward in a positive direction.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2015

    Gail,

    I know it must be so frustrating and awkward for you. It’s why separation is best when people aren’t getting along and are contemplating divorce. It’s not easy for one to be comfortable in the home, especially if the husband begins to come and go, as though single. Don’t fret though. February will be here before we know it. A lot can change between now and then as well. At least the in-laws are gone, which should be helpful to a degree. We never know what life has in store for us. We just have to roll with the punches.

    I’ve put the below video on the blog a couple times. I love the following video. I play it every now and again.

  • Gail

    October 18, 2015

    Ana,

    yeah I think of her often.She was one lady i felt like was so sad inside but try to hide it.I also felt her to be very brave at the same time.I see myself in her alot like starting over with 3 kids on my own and dealing with a husband who’s personality I can’t stand.I will be so happy when Feb comes and I am completely done with this mess once and for all.

  • Fatimah

    October 18, 2015

    As salaamu Alaikum
    Hooooottt topics going on here, woooo. Lol. My two cents is everyone should respect the perspectives of others and not dog snd shoot them down if its different than your own. Secondly i agree w Ana about starting with yourself when forbidding that evil and I totally agree w ummmof4 of our duty to remind our Muslim sister or brothers in faith about something that Allah swt tols us to do or not do. I dont think a person should be shot down for doing that. Now being a police, judgemental, a hypocrite, etc is different. I would hope someone would pull my coat if im concerned about what my Allah swt thinks of me. I do understand our approach does make or break the difference, but i disagree that a person CAN’T pull another muslims coat. Personally I dont approach ppl idk. I see allllll kinds of Muslims doing alllll kinds of things and i just note that they are different than me. I also teach my children not to judge others when they see something DIFFERENT. Its just different and thats it. I dont walk up to random ppl but if I saw someone in my mosque who i know, id say whats up? Whats going on? Not beating them in the head. Many ppl dont likento be told ANYTHING no matter what or how u say it. Ppl want to do what they want and its between them and their Allah swt. I have a friend who i noitced started dressing different. I said u look cuuuuuteee, buuttttt whats up w that such and such. She said i feelvery comfortable and im not afraid. I said ok as long as u feel its ok its between u and Allah. I read some posts down about having a gay Muslim friend. Like being a homosexual is against all the books that Allah swt sent down. He destroyed a city during thr time og prophet Lut a.s. Its weird to me that one could be that but the person said since she has been his friend and kind to him he is changing. Its most likely she didn’t toss him to the trash and throw jim under the bus. I also know someone very close in my community who is gay and we remind her of what Allah swt says and she is comfortable w her decision. Thsys between her and Allah. Idk, I just think we dont have to be so harsh in the approached or the approacher.
    Aisha ur story is so sad. Id definitely get the heck outta there and i agree w the person who said pplmthunk they can handle polygamy until they have to live it. Its a deep and real challenge against ones self. I think its easier
    To come in on a marriage in regards tzo pain but i do know from having friends that being a second has many challenges. So dont think im discrediting ANYONE’S pain bc im not. Im surrounded by firsts and seconds and i see my share of evil firsts and evil seconds.its definitely not fair for ur husband to allow it. He brought u in that home and should not just leave unto fend for yourself. I totally agree w Ana, its a right for women to have her own quarters. I know cowives whondid HORRIBLE innthe same house but are getting along now living across the hall from eachother in an apt building. Demand your own space and build ur relationship outside of that environment w ur husband. Your not a child, ur an adult andshould be regarded as one.

    One more thing, this blog is mad cool for us being able to vent, let it out, air it out but I think it shouod be a safe haven to express ones own opinions without being pounced on. Im not talking about coming on here tearing ppl up, judging, brow beating. Im just saying we wont all agree on every single thing bc we are all different and come from different lives and backgrounds.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2015

    Gail,

    I think of Aishah2014 from time to time, especially when I saw the name “Aisha” who just posted here. I haven’t heard from Aishah2014 since the last time she wrote on the blog. I hope she is well and things have improved for her.She was going through a tough time with the husband who was constantly running after the other wife. Men can be such fools at times.

  • Gail

    October 18, 2015

    Ana,

    Do u know what ever happen to Aishah the woman whos husband married the foreign russian girl who had some kids that were handicapped or ADHD or something.SHe said she started going to kick boxing with her.I wonder from time to time what ever happen in her situation.I felt so sad for her.

  • Gail

    October 18, 2015

    Cici,

    I am really happy the wife did contact u back so it would give u a chance to be open and honest.Way to go Girl!!! I am really proud of u!!

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2015

    Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m glad you found this blog. I will try to help you as best I can.

    As you already know the situation that you are in is very unhealthy for you in every way. You are being tortured in the marriage. Based on what you’ve stated, it seems your husband is doing NOTHING to fix things. It is your husband’s responsibility to do something to resolve the matter. Allah, in the Holy Quran, tells men what to do when they have problems with their wives. Your husband hasn’t listened to Allah. All your husband has said to you is remain quiet or argue back. It is WRONG of him to tell you to endure it or to get angry back. He should be the peacemaker. He should want to keep peace. Islam is a religion of Peace. He is wrong to encourage you to get angry.

    Furthermore, it was wrong of him to bring you into that house. Each wife is supposed to have her own home. It is clear that the reason for each wife to have her own home is to prevent the type of problems that you are having. No woman should have to know when her husband is being intimate with his other wife. She shouldn’t have to know they are in the room together, nor hear it. It is a private matter between a husband and a wife. No woman should be tormented by knowing when her husband is having sexual relations with his other wife.

    You should have your own home. Wives should have their own home for the mere fact that one wouldn’t be able to throw in the other face that the home is hers and not the others. No wife should have to live under the rule of the other wife.

    Your husband knew what that woman was like before he brought you into the mix by marrying you. I don’t know why the wife who was there as the first wife left. I could only assume and suspect why. The wife is not a nice person.

    I will tell you that you are not over-reacting. You are right to feel as you do. I suggest that if the situation does not change, you seek a divorce from him for your own mental health and well-being. You are being mistreated and abused. Your husband is selfish and is doing nothing to protect you.

    If you have a wali, go to him and tell him what is going on. Tell him that you need his help. If you don’t have a wali, you need to get one. Do you know a Muslim males who will look out for your best interest, and will approach your husband about what is going on in your household? As a last resort, you could go to a Masjid for help from a male there. It is best, however, to seek help from someone who knows you, and has your best interest at heart.

    Do you have Muslim family members or friends whom you may be able to live with, if you divorce? You need to think of where you could go, if you need to leave the marriage. Don’t worry. If your husband can’t get you your own home and he won’t step up to the plate, man up and make some changes in his household, you need to leave. You do not need to be subjected to such bad treatment. You still could have a good life ahead of you. I assume you have no children and you could start over.

    You asked if you should just remain quiet. Voice your concerns with your husband. Don’t try to reason with her. She has shown you where her head is. No good will come from you getting angry with her and in her face. I am stunned that your husband would suggest that you get angry back at her. It’s crazy.

    The most important advice that I could give you is to turn to Allah. Allah says He hears the complaints of the wives who call on Him about their husbands. In the meantime, while it’s being sorted out by you, exercise patience. Allah has a plan. You have to see what Allah has planned for you. Pray to Allah and turn all your attention to Him. {{{hugs}}} Stay strong….

  • Aisha

    October 18, 2015

    Assalaam Alaykum Wa Rahmatullah.. Hope you are in the best of health and emaan insha’Allah.. I often visit your blog when I feel I am at breaking point.. I am 22 years old and I have been in a polygamous marriage just over 5 months w’Alhamdulilah.. I am actually living in the same house as my co wife my husband and their daughter.. At first I thought it was a crazy idea for the co wife and husband to suggest I live in the same house but they both were very adamant it would work as there would be many benefits such as neither of us will feel lonely we both will know of his whereabouts his children will not loose out on his time etc.. Anyway here I am living in her house it has been very tough for the both of us. We started off sharing our days together where the 3 of us would sit together, eat together and pray together.. My husband recently went away for a month I was alone with the co for maybe over a week and Alhamdulilah things where fine she’s due to have another baby in a few months insha’Allah I went with her for her scan so Alhamdulilah we had a good relationship.. However since he has been back she has not been the same.. When me and my husband first for married she did raise a few concerns with me saying things like ‘this is my house’ ‘why did you marry my husband’ bearing in mind the sister was 100% supportive of her husband marrying me in the beginning.. Ok so for the few times she did take her anger out at me for marrying her husband and coming into her home I stayed quite I know it is very difficult for her so I stayed quite I didn’t even tell my husband about the stuff she was saying to me.. Now things have changed she has called me a tart and has told me I will be gone soon etc she wears very revealing clothes in the house which obviously makes me feel very uncomfortable I feel she does this to make me feel ‘insecure’ Allah knows best.. She is all of a sudden extremely loud during intimacy Allah knows best if this is intentional.. She does not speak to me at all even after I have asked her a number of times if there is something I have done I have told reassured her I’m not here to take her husband away she has also told me to stay away from ‘her family’ referring to our husbands family so at this point I did tell my husband as I feel I am being treated unjustly I have asked what the issue is and I get no response.. After crying my eyes out to my husband about how I feel like I’m unwanted in this house how I lock myself away in my room bcus she always makes me feel as this is ‘her house’ he calmly told me I must deal with it as it was her house and he was her husband and now bcus im here she’s finding it difficult.. He said I can either remain quite or argue back.. This is the bit where I am very confused do I stay quite and listen to her abusing me when i had made it clear to her before I had married him how difficult it would be for her.. Now we do things separately we no longer sit together as a family on her day I keep myself busy in my room whilst there together and on my days she goes to our in laws house (they haven’t fully accepted me) so I don’t go as much as I would like it to..on my night my co wife will cry extremely loud where he will leave me and go and see to her.. My husband constantly uses the excuses that she is pregnant and that she is hormonal. The sister is 28 years old and she was previously his 2nd wife and now has become the 1st and me being the 2nd wife in the beginning she was understanding but now I feel she is trying to compete with me.. I am writing this to you today because I feel I am at breaking point my husband is a very difficult person and is not easy to talk to at all. I am very tired and drained of trying to hold this marriage together I feel as though I’m getting nothing back.. He is a good husband however he seems to think these concerns are just me being ungrateful. What would you advise me? Am I overreacting? Shall I carry on being quite? JazakAllahu Khyran for your time I hope to hear from you soon insha’Allah

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I perceive it as a SERIOUS problem that people are bombarding other Muslims with dos and don’ts. They don’t know or understand what it means to remind people. They don’t know that the reminders are not about things that people already know, like you said. People know what is right and wrong. They know not to commit adultery or fornication, for instance. Reminders are about things they forget, for instance, when someone is in despair. It’s important to remind the person to persevere, and not give up, to be patient. Those are all things Allah speaks of in the Holy Quran, that a person at times forget. It is the type of reminders people need and are supposed to receive.

    I’ve encountered what you have as well with people hitting me with do this and don’t do that. A Muslim is quick to scrutinize another, as thought they are waiting to pounce on the person to point out something seen as wrong. Before my hubz and I went on Hajj, our group had classes that we had to attend. The sponsor/host guy Said to us, basically to leave people alone while at Hajj. He said there will be some who will tell you that your prayer won’t be accepted because you did this or that wrong when offering your prayer (my thing is why are they eyeballing me instead of paying attention to their own prayer?) He said, you will see that some people of the group won’t offer prayer. Some won’t get up for Fajr (dawn) prayer. He said leave them alone. Don’t bother them. Sure enough, when we were in in the tents at Mount Arafat I saw it. People didn’t get up for salat. Did I go over there and shake the person and tell the person it’s fajr time, get up? Did I remind the person? NO! I did not. Allah in the Holy Quran tells us that there is no compulsion in Islam. We aren’t supposed to force anyone to do anything. It’s what many Muslims don’t understand. Allah says leave people alone. Let them be. Let him deal with them. I was so annoyed with those people in the group that I went with always looking at me, trying to find fault. One time I was offering wudu (washing for prayer) and there was pretty much always a line. The one woman waiting while I was offering wudu was eyeballing me as I was washing. She told me to wash my ankles higher etc. I was at my wits end at that time. I just ignored her because I was exhausted and disgusted. I didn’t ask that woman for any advice so she needed to just mind her own ps and qus and leave me the heck alone. People need to learn to mind their own business. They do exactly what they want to do that is haram behind closed doors, but want to be up in someone else face telling the person what to do and not do.

    To give you another example. Here on the blog we were talking about somethings that occur while we offer salat. A few or a couple of us mentioned how a thought has entered our minds that made us chuckle when we were offering salat. Do you know, before I knew it, someone wrote on the blog that our salat was invalid because we chuckle. It’s the type of annoying, aggravating person that I am talking about. Did the woman really think that we didn’t know that we shouldn’t chuckle during salat? We all err. We all make mistakes. How do she know that we didn’t repent for it and Allah forgave us. We didn’t need her to tell us not to do it. It’ the type of reminder that is not helpful and is a turn off. The entire salat wasn’t invalid just because a mistake was made in it. Allah accepts what is sincere in our salat. He accepts that part. Furthermore, we do salat five times a day and Insha Allah, will do it for the rest of our lives. There will be times that we don’t always get it right.

    People need to learn and understand what is a reminder and what is someone putting their nose where it doesn’t belong and minding someone else business. It’s an arrogant, self-righteous person who always sit around trying to find fault in other. It annoys me when a self-righteous person shows up on the blog who has never been here before, shares nothing, and wants to beat up on someone who wrote a comment that they didn’t like. It’s usually someone who doesn’t like polygamy or someone who is having a very difficult time with polygamy who does it.

  • Mari2

    October 18, 2015

    Ummof4,
    I am happy to hear of the positive results of your surgery. A relative of mine was also able to see colors more clearly once her surgery was complete. Thank you also for your sound advice.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2015

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m happy to hear your surgery went well. Alhumdulliah! It’s very good news. I pray your next one goes just as well for you or better. 🙂

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2015

    The main problem that I see is that most Muslims do not use the Quran as their criterion to make sound decisions. Most of the people in cyber space who spout off at the mouth all those dos and don’ts, don’t speak based on what is in the Holy Quran. They speak from every where else, but not from the Quran. For instance, I don’t know how many times commentators have said on this blog or one tried to get in yesterday to say it – that a Muslim is not to hurt another Muslim? Where are these people getting the saying from? A person is not supposed to hurt any one be it a Muslim or non-Muslim. If there is any special treatment beside that of orphans, it’s with BELIEVERS. If Muslims read the Quran, they’d know that Allah does say not to slander or harm a BELIEVER intentionally. A Muslim is not the same as a Believer. I totally don’t know where these people get some of what they say from. Allah is a just God to all people. A person shouldn’t hurt anyone without due cause. Those people who say a Muslim hurts another by doing what Allah permits such as engage in polygamy have got it twisted. They make up stuff. Before these people start shooting off at the mouth, they need to know what they are talking about.

    The dos and don’ts are in the Holy Quran. The stories of the Prophets (peace and blessing of Allah be upon them) are in the Quran. Allah tells us to commemorate the stories of the Prophet. He tells us they are our example. It’s what people should talk about when they are enjoining good and forbidding evil. Allah in the Holy Quran tells us what to do and not to do. It is what we are to follow. Allah says to turn to Him and His Messenger(S). His messengers are no longer on this earth. They left “BOOKS”. The last “BOOK” that is complete and can’t be tampered with is the Holy Quran. It’s what a BELIEVER will follow. A BELIEVER will humble herself to Allah. Allah says admonition is for the BELIEVER. The only person who will get it is the BELIEVER.

    A person should enjoins good and forbid what is evil with regard to self. People have enough to deal with. They’ve got their own problems in trying to do good and shun evil. Begin there – with self.

    To connect enjoining good and forbid evil with polygamy, stay away from those who don’t like polygamy. They don’t like Allah, if they don’t like polygamy. If they reject polygamy, they reject Allah. If you want to forbid evil, begin there with polygamy. Shun those who reject Allah.

    Those people who have a problem with polygamy and find fault in it all the time are evil. Shun them.

  • Laila

    October 18, 2015

    Dear Ummof4. I hope and pray that you get well soon. In regards to your response about it being the duty of us Muslims to sort of remind others of what they haven’t done right is where personally I disagree with you. Telling people off and telling them that they should receive lashes for their actions is what puts people off Islam. First we don’t even know the exact details of the story. Then we jump on some bandwagon and decide that what we are doing is right and that others are completely off track. I think in today’s day and age people are educated enough to know what’s right and wrong. I myself am not a good Muslim but yet the moment someone tried to preach and using such tone, trust me, I would retaliate. In short I would have had that person for my breakfast. I understand that advice is part of what we are required to do. But I am also a firm believer that advice has a proper place and time. I dislike the constant bombardment of the dos and dont’s of Islam. I want to learn more about Islam but not the rules like school children. I also am a firm believer in the tone one uses when trying to “correct”. Sometimes it sounds arrogant and quite clearly, I could do without such nonsense.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello To Everyone,

    About cici’s situation, my impression is that she is trying to iron things out, as we write. She is investigating and trying to determine if she should make her intent to marry the man or continue with her intention. She hasn’t gotten to the when yet, as she doesn’t know if she intends to marry the man or not. Some people are of the impression a woman is just to meet a man and jump into a marriage. I USED to think it was the way it’s done in Islam. Yes marriage is easy to do in Ilam, but one still needs to do her or his homework and investigate. cici is conducting the investigation. Insha Allah, she will get a wali to assist with the process ALTHOUGH, the process has already been tainted. Next she should make her intention. Then it’s up to Allah as to whether she marries the man or not. It’s the same with coco. One could only make an intention. A person can’t make anything happen. No one has the power, but Allah. Life is not as simple as some make it out to be or think it is. Allah is involved in what is happening with cici. He is involved in everything. He wrote the script.

  • ummof4

    October 18, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Cici, what are you and your fiance waiting for? Why don’t you just get married? I don’t understand why you haven’t gone through with it yet, unless I missed something in your posts.

    Waiting for the present wife to accept or get used to the idea of polygyny is a waste of time in any situation. The true reality will not hit her until it actually happens. So once a couple and the woman’s walee agree that a marriage will take place, the only delay should be in someithing that they have to work out (finances, living arrangements, etc.) not the approval and acceptance of the marriage by the present wife.

    The honorable Muslim man will get married and work with his present wife through the transition from manogamy to polygyny. A less honorable man will continue to “have his cake and eat it too”. He will have his wife and the woman he intends to marry. He can continue to have a relationship with the woman he intends to marry with no strings attached. The relationship does not have to be sexual, but it is intimate: sharing likes and dislikes, planning a life together, meeting up, going places together,revealing secrets to each other.

    I ask all of the women on this blog to be honorable and only deal with honorable men. This makes for the best marriage.

  • ummof4

    October 18, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Everybody my first cataract surgery went well, Alhamdulillah. I should be getting the second one done in a month or two. I already am seeing colors that I never saw before; the new lense is extemely clear.

    I have been reading but not commenting lately, trying to figure out what to say. Yes, it is true that this blog is a safe place for people to come to share their life experiences with polygyny. It has been set up to be a safe place for those in polygyny and those considering polygyny.

    It has been stated recently that we do not want people coming on the blog and preaching right and wrong, or being the “Islamic police”. However, as Muslims, we do have a duty to enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong as Allah tells us in the Qur’aan. I believe the approach to correcting others is what needs to be worked on. Being able to give helpful advice and corrections to others is a skill that is acquired with experience, so sometimes it is not done correctly. I do believe that most sisters who offer corrective advice that often comes across as preaching do have honorable intentions.

    A coupke of sugggestions to all on the blog:

    For those of us who give advice and want to correct a wrong, I think we should wait until we know a little more about the person, and not jump to conclusions or try to read between the lines of their writings. It is also possible to give general advice and not tailor it to any individual.

    For those of us who receive admonitions, corrections, and preaching, at least try to digest what the person is saying first. Then reflect and see if there is any truth to what is being said. Most humans do not like to be corrected, and it doesn’t matter if it is said in a kind way or a not so kind way.

    We all have to ask Allah to guide our thoughts and actions. We have to ask Allah to guide our tongues. We have to ask Allah to help us to be a benefit to others. We have to ask Allah to make us humble enough to give sound advice and humble enough to accept sound advice.

    May Allah guide us all to the Seeratul Mustaqeem and keep us firmly planted on it for all our lives.

  • Cici

    October 18, 2015

    Laila,

    I guess that is the price( partially) that im gonna hv to pay upon entering poligamy. Look, ppl can easily jump into conclussion just reading my posts, let alone facing the (mostly) negative perception from the society in my real life. But , i stick to the advices frm sisters in previous posts, we cant control others’ emotion but ours. And negative perspective from society , for that matter.

    Gail,

    Speak of the devil, the wife texted after long silence just to remind me my promise. I wasted no opprortunity when she prompted it, so i told her straight away . I understand her upset and frustation in this situation, she has my simpathy, i hv made the effort to keep my promise for quite some time but i cant go on anymore. It kills me inside that i started feeling rebellious.and its like bliss in this disguise,in my effort to supress the negativity and growing rebel, i found this blog, alhamdulillah.

    And i prayed that Allah swt grant her prosperity for her patience. Had i not come across this blog, i wudnt hv guts to be this frank to her, but i hv faith that honesty goes a long way. I want to befriend with my prospective cowife , remember? *wink*

    Yes It is painful but i believe she has to know that she has not get rid of me.

    Ana,

    I cant thank you enough for having this kinda blog with a splendid administration. I hv also come across the similar poligamy blog, but the admin didnt filter any ill comment from the haters which somehow affected the positive environment that the blog is intentionally to be established.

    Agreed with Laila. This blog has attracted sisters and brother from across the globe to share the real life of poligamy and spread positve side of living poligamy, which hardly can be found even in our real life society.keep up the good efforts sister!

    Hugs to all of u.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2015

    tuleh,

    You got it! 🙂 I like the way you summed it up.

    I find, if a person does as you summed it up, they have no problems. A Muslim could live a good, wholesome, polygamous life with no problems in the USA. I haven’t heard of any one having problems other than some people of the Mormon faith who get caught up in marrying under-aged girls and such. I find the U.S. is a wonderful place to live. I’d want to live no place else. I certainly wouldn’t want to live anywhere the “Islamic Police” and those who act like the “Islamic Police” live. It’s why I try to keep those with an “Islamic Police” mentality off this blog.

    There is so much freedom in the U.S. Even if there are some injustices, it’s nothing like in other countries. I was reading that in Saudi they intend to give some older gentleman who receives a pension over 300 lashes for having some bottles of wine in his vehicle. SMH I read all this crazy stuff that is happening in “So called Muslim countries” that makes me almost get sick to my stomach.

  • tuleh

    October 18, 2015

    Thank you, Anabellah, for these details. I like it here and would not like to move, but that would be inconsequential if we could not live true here. So I am glad to learn that as long as we do not try to involve the nation’s legal system but do it on our own, and don’t break other laws, our ways are our own. Relief. I will continue reading and learning here. Thank you again for this space. I want to be prepared.

  • Laila

    October 18, 2015

    Dear Cici. I hope that the ladies who came aboard that preach don’t put you off. I too have had similar attacks on me. Because I am a second wife and I guess many were uncomfortable with that. They also felt that I am in some way abusing my co-wife and her family. I have accepted and times did want to give up blogging all together because of people like that. But in my silence due to work and worldly commitments I’ve come to realize that some people will always be miserable. They relish in their misery and they just want everyone to be such. If you look closer, and really in a detailed manner you will see that these people have real messed up lives. They enjoy the conflicts they they themselves create. They moan and groan about the future wives being difficult, mean, and lack Islamic teaching. The list goes on. Then you also have as what Ana has stated on the bad and good Muslimah etiquette syndrome. It’s tiring. I can only imagine Ana’s patience levels running thin, weeding out such people. Having to come to their lower level of emotions. And it’s tough having to explain to such groups of people. I agree with her, if you find it not to your taste then click out. But most importantly , we are here to talk. Talk about real stuff. Stuff that has no book on right and wrongs. So I hope that you aren’t out off as I was in the past. I’ve grown in so many ways here on this blog. I always look forward to talking to the regulars. It’s really nice to exchange ideas and see things from a different perspective. It sometimes in my case makes me feel like I blew the plot for nothing. It’s a really learning experience. The best part is we are all women and men from different parts of the world and different backgrounds. That to me is so interesting. How we all are connected with polygamy.

    Ana, what you said was spot on. I completely agree. Hopefully this blog stays relevant to a structure.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I hear you and I totally agree. Many Muslims have no idea how superficial they sound in preaching ALL THE TIME about what to do and not to do.They are always are pointing a finger, telling another what they THINK the other is doing wrong. They spend so much time on finding fault in others that they can’t even focus on themselves and their own personal matters. The Bella Donna person whose post I didn’t approve wanted to give her little spill about what she thinks shouldn’t be taking place here. If people don’t like what they read here, they can click out just as easily as they clicked in.

    People always want to control another person. When I first became Muslim I read those dos and don’t about Islam books. I read in a book as well that we should not make our religion about a bunch of dos and don’ts. Allah doesn’t want our religion to be a hardship for us. It’s not what Islam is about. If people read the Quran they’d know it. You said a mouth full when you said Muslims are just fed up. They should be. Who wants to live that way. I can’t stress enough that Muslims need to leave other people alone. It a huge reason why the Muslims’ lives are all jacked up today.

    People don’t know the meaning of being Muslim. They don’t know the meaning of what it means to remind another Muslim of the teachings of Islam. People are going to be people. They are going to do what Allah has scripted them to do. If the person isn’t infringing on them, they should leave the person alone. They need to back up off them.

    You are correct, Laila. People should be able to come to this blog for advice and help without fear of someone wagging a finger back and forth saying, for instance, bad Muslimah, bad. It’s why I screen who I allow in here and try to weed out the haters and the ones who are here for no good. This blog has structure. Insha Allah, as long as Allah has me managing the blog, it will continue to have structure.

  • Laila

    October 17, 2015

    Dear Ana. Yes it is true. People who say that they don’t judge are just lying to themselves. I think initial judgement does take place based on their behavior and how they carry themselves. After that it is up to us if we would want to continue the relationship. I also think you’re so spot on about the textbook reminders! That was so to the point. The social media is bombarded everyday with such reminders that I am becoming sick of it. I did ask myself as to why I am feeling such but I feel that once people know a bit more about Islam they go on and on and on and it becomes so monotonous and to a certain extent idiotic. We as adults know what we are doing. What we do is between Allah and us. Like recently I went out for a movie with a good old Muslim buddy who’s a gay. I know him right from the days when I wasn’t married to now. Do I ignore him and tell him off because he’s gay? No, I don’t. I pray silently that he changes and that he know what he’s doing. Now Ana he is finally changing. That in itself is a miracle to me. Like the other day, my neighbour has a tendency to watch women even though mind you he’s a regular mosque going sort of a man. He dresses up typically. He commented that the t-shirt I was wearing was too short and that he was my back a bit. I was shocked! I mean he watched me as i unloaded things from the trunk of my car. Why?! Then I have one Muslim African brother in my block who’s wife wears a niqab and he dresses traditionally but guess what, he calls me ‘sister’ and he is so respectful. His wife is so respectful. I call him brother and I address his wife as sister. I really feel like we are united as Muslims when I am talking to them. He doesn’t preach and he has nothing but nice things to say and he talks about Islam but in a very mature manner. And I am so interested to hear what he has to say about Islam when we bump into each other. Fantastic family!

    Let’s not come here and act better than the other person. We need people who come here to share their experiences without fear. We need to stop with the Principal attitude. Muslims today are just fed up with this in your face do’s and dont’s.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    Tuleh,

    The main reason no one bothers anyone about polygamy in the U.S. is because it would be a violation of a United States Citizen’s Constitutional Rights – “Freedom of Religion”. An informed, intelligent person would sue and GET PAID, if someone were to mess with him or her about it. It’s why there are no laws on the books for polygamy. It’s rare to hear of a person getting charged with polygamy. If a law was on the books for it in any particular State, the law was overturned when challenged in a court of law.

    The polygamists who get jammed up are the ones who commit crimes such as: Domestic Violence, Sexual Assualt, Criminal Restraint, Terroristic Threats, marrying someone underage etc. They get charged with those type of crimes. It gets media attention because the person charge was a self-proclaimed polygamist. If one lives in a State such as Utah, one knows polygamy is commonly practiced there.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    Tuleh,

    I’m happy to hear you like the blog. If your husband one day intends to engage in polygamy in the U.S, he should have no problem as long as he does not have more than one registered marriage any where. It doesn’t matter the country. For instance, if he has a registered marriage in Zimbabwe and he married a woman in the U.S. and registered the marriage, he would be committing a crime. He would have two registered marriages. He’d be committing “Bigamy” and could be prosecuted for it.

    If he doesn’t register more than one marriage and has 2, 3,or 4 women (whom he calls wives) it would be as though he has girlfriends or mistresses. No one cares. Let non-Muslims think he’s committing adultery or cheating on a girlfriend. Who cares? Muslims and Allah knows the real deal. No one has to confess to being a polygamous. If the other marriages aren’t registered, the US don’t consider them marriages.

    Now, on the other hand, if a foreigner comes to the States and is asked by immigration if he is polygamous and he says yes, he could expect his application to be denied.

  • tuleh

    October 17, 2015

    Hi. Thank you for this website. I have learned a lot just browsing around. I am first and foremost impressed and inspired by the devotion I see here. I have a question. We live in the USA. I think someday my husband will want another wife. Is this possible here? How do you get around the laws saying one wife for one man? Or would we need to move?
    Grateful for your support.
    tuleh

  • Gail

    October 17, 2015

    Grim,

    I used boyfriend in Cici case because I don’t know what else to call it.If potential husband sounds any better to u then I will use that.
    U come across as picky not sure u realize that or not.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    It’s common for people to say he or she does not judge. We hear it on the daily basis. People say they don’t judge. It sounds good but it’s a lie. People judge everyday all day. For one to say she does not judge is vogue today, but its not the truth.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    Typing on this phone is driving me crazy.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    Grim,

    Yes. I did say it. The reason we should judge is to determine who we should be friends with, and who we shouldn’t. It is for us to determine who we should marry, and who we shouldn’t. It is to determine who we should let into our intimacy. It is to determine who we should go into partnership or in business with. We need to judge because Allah tells us what certain people will do. He tells us how certain people will conduct themselves. He tells us the characteristics of people. It’s a means of protection for us. It is a guide for us.

    We’re not supposed to judge so that we could simply criticize a person or condemn the person or chastise the people or criticize the person or anything such as it. The judgement call is for the individual to use for him or herself. We aren’t supposed to judge to dictate to other people.

    You could judge cici and not have anything to do with her if you don’t like her character. Simply don’t comment to her. She wasn’t here on this blog to get advice about adultery or fornication.

  • Grim

    October 17, 2015

    I believe I have read Ana some comments here where you have said that sometimes people say that we should not judge, but this is wrong – we should judge. I am sorry, but am I mistaken?

    ”You said don’t judge others, judge oneself. Well, Allah says judge, which includes others not just ourselves. I just can’t get with a person who contradicts Allah. Do you know better than Allah?”

    Those were your words, and I agree. You were entirely right when you wrote that Ana – thank you.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    It’s why all those Muslims are fleeing Muslim countries. They are tired and fed up with someone telling them what to do and what to wear and who to be in the company of, what to look like etc. That is not Islam. Those who dictate to others need to mind their own friggin business.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    Many Muslims don’t know what it means when it is said that we are to remind other people. A reminder is something such as be patient; persevere; continue to pray; turn to Allah; put your faith and trust in Allah. Tell people that they don’t have to worry; Allah’s promises are true; do what you need to do and Allah will do what he promises you. Those are the type of reminders that people need. They don’t need to be reminded don’t commit fornication. Don’t commit adultery. Don’t do this and don’t do that and do this and do that it’s not the type of reminder that we are to give other people. Those are textbook reminders that people don’t need.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    Laila,

    I talked a lot about the do’s and don’ts issue on the earlier version of this blog. People were forever coming to the blog, talking about backbiting, do this and don’t do that, and BAD muslimah. I have no tolerance for those people who all they do is sit down with some book somewhere that says a Muslim is supposed to do this, that, and the other. That person then goes looking at other people constantly telling another person – don’t do this sister; don’t do that sister, bad sister, bad muslima. People need to learn how to mind their own business. Take care of their own self and their family. Leave other people alone. Let Allah deal with people. He tells us that in the Quran. Let people alone and let Him deal with them. A lot of what people stick their noses in is none of their business. People should be able to come to this blog and seek advice and help without being condemned based on what they say.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    Grim,

    The way I see it is let cici or anyone else come here and tell her story. This blog allows them to come here for advice. They don’t come here to get chastised or made to feel badly. It would have been one thing to suggest that she gets a Wali and proceed with it that way. It is another thing to jump on her about having committed adultery. She is not married to the man. She didn’t even say she had a sexual relationship with him. She simply said she has a relationship with him. She did not define what that relationship is.

    If a person wants to be strict with Islam, be strict on yourself. Don’t imposed it on others unless Allah specifically specifies it in the Quran.

  • Laila

    October 17, 2015

    Dear Grim, thankfully my husband and I aren’t dogmatic. We are Muslims and live by the rule of Islam but we don’t tell people off when they err and we understand that sin is like dust. I for one would not want to be dogmatic. That’s never been my style and never will be. I believe in ‘living life’. So I’m glad that I had talks with my husband before we got married. It gave me somewhat of an assurance.

    Dear Ana, yes it’s sad really. I told my neighbour off the other day. He was ogling at my body and commented on some Islamic style and I told him to fly kites. If I needed advise I would ask, till then please handle your family first. I have no tolerance for those who preach non-stop. I believe action speaks way louder than words.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I agree with you 100% on all that you said. It is very sad that people have made Islam what it is today. The Muslims state of affairs is very sad.

    People come to this blog and give others a “telling off.” All they want to do is Lord over other people and control them. They are just as bad as ISl/ISS/Dash, Boko Haram or the Taliban – on a smaller scale. Everyone want to rule someone else’s life. They don’t want to do any good. People will account to Allah for whatever they do that is wrong. I read the world news everyday. Everyday I read about nothing other than people (particularly Muslims) trying to lord over everyone else on the planet. It’s pathetic.

  • Grim

    October 17, 2015

    Laila

    Islam IS dogmatic. That is one of its core beauties MashaAllah.

    My husband asked my father to see me in order to propose marriage. My husband was a friend of my uncle’s and knew about me from him. We met, understood we could share a good marriage and that is what we have.

    My husband has four wives. He married his fourth wife six months after he married me, and his first two years before he married me. We all live in a block of flats together, each wife in a separate flat. We have a common room and a dining room that we can all use together for family dinners and celebrations and prayers.

    My husband was up front from the start with all of us, that he always wanted four wives. He was never anybody’s “boyfriend”. He lives by the Quran. Yes, we are dogmatic and proud of it. Is there anything wrong with the dogmas of Islam? Are there any of the dogmas of Islam that we should not live by?

    I am not hateful. I am simply saying Islam is not for pickers and choosers. Gail – there are no boyfriends in Islam.

  • Laila

    October 17, 2015

    Ana, I think it’s sad to see many Muslims come here and give others a telling off. Islam is not supposed to be a rigid, and mean religion. Dawah isn’t supposed to be spread through merely the right and wrong action. I also think many should understand that when one is blogging one is blogging freely. She or he is sharing his or her view points whether we agree or disagree. Personally I think it’s fun because you get to see another persons perspective on the matter. Like Gail said the other time that maybe the first wife met Cici to just size her up and yes that never did cross my mind. I don’t think that when we blog we should filter what we would like to say. I think that is the best part of blogging. You share your view without a face and that gives you far more freedom to express yourself. You cannot also just assume naively that whatever a person types is exactly as per what happened. Come on, this isn’t a book. This is someone trying to relay something that has happened.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    Bella Donna,

    Read Laila’s last post and take notes. You could learn something. This is a BLOG.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    Some people are all jacked up. All they can do is go to a blog and find fault with the commentators and the comments. What a miserable person she must be.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    Bella Donna,

    I’m not going to post your comment here. I just got done saying that we don’t need anyone coming here with a bunch of do’s and don’ts. If you can’t share something about your experience with Polygamy and your life or the life of your co- wife or someone else and Polygamy then keep your comments to yourself or go else where. No one needs a scolding from you or you to teach Islam 101.

    It’s so easy for someone to sit back and criticize what someone else is saying or has said, but can’t talk and hold a discussion with individuals. Something’s lacking in that person’s life if they can’t contribute by sharing, but can only sit back and criticize what someone else has said. It’s a negative, hateful person who does that.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    Laila,

    I was thinking the same thing about Grim’s name as you. I was going to write about it, but then thought I better just leave it alone. I sense a lot of angry, bitter hostilities emanating from her. Being married 3rd can’t be easy. People have a tendency to wonder what the person was thinking about when she accepted the offer when he had two wives already. I know it is permissible. I just don’t understand what goes through the Third’s mind. I would like to know.

  • Laila

    October 17, 2015

    Wow Grim, your name sure is a personification through your response towards Cici. I think yes as much as she would have made some mistakes she is after all human. We all err and learn and make better people of ourselves. It’s people like you Grim that makes Islam stifling and extremely dogmatic. She is relating her situation here on the blog. You cannot take everything word for word. People aren’t that detailed once they start typing. She is discussing on the various aspects of her situation of wanting to be a potential wife. I for one don’t see any offense being made on her part. She’s just discussing here on her role and how it would be like if she decided to marry a married man. I think that is fair. I also think it’s fair to just have a discussion with the potential husband and thrash things out. Are you suggesting that people just immediately make decisions and get married just like that? If that’s the case I think I too committed zina! I had many discussions before getting married to my husband.

  • Gail

    October 17, 2015

    Grim,

    I am also very interested in to know how it is to be a third wife.I always think a third wife would totally change everything but not sure for the better or the worse.
    Also why did your husband choose a third wife? Very interesting stuff

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    Grim,

    Thank you very much for sharing that. What is it like having married your husband 3rd? I’d love to hear more from wives who married their husbands in the order of number 3. We always hear from the women who married in the order of one and two. Which wife do you get along better or are you all friends? Did the wife who married second accept or reject you? Usually by time the 3rd comes around the first has adjusted to a degree. The second wife seems to go through what the first wife had initially gone through. Is there anything in the forecast about a fourth joining you 3?

  • Grim

    October 17, 2015

    I am my husband’s third wife.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    Grim,

    If cici is committing zina or any other type of sin it’s between her and her Lord. I doubt you going to go give her a flogging. She is blogging under an alias. She may talk about her life here. Be constructive, not destructive, if you remain here.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2015

    Grim,

    You definitely are hating and it’s obvious. No one needs you to come here and lecture anyone about zina (adultery) or fornication. You said your piece, so DROP it. We don’t allow haters here. If you don’t like what you are reading, keep it moving or I’d have to mute you. I won’t allow you to attack the writers here. Writers make me sick when they come here not giving any useful advice, but wanting to scold someone trying to be mother hen.

    Talk about yourself. Are you in a polygamous marriage? Share something like it or shut the pie hole in your face. Gail, I borrowed your expression.

  • Gail

    October 17, 2015

    Grim,

    Why are u hating on Cici she has never claimed to have sexual relations with her boyfriend and she is wanting to marry him and taking all the right steps.Not sure where u read all that other nonsense.Obviously people have to meet and talk and have an attraction towards each other.I see nothing wrong in the way Cici is dealing her situation.
    Obviously the mans wife is going to have deal with the fact that her husband desires to polygamous and that is not Cici’s fault.
    I find it amazing that everyone gives the first wife a free pass to act like an A$$.If u r a Muslim woman and u know this is part of your religion then U need to build a bridge and accept Islam or change religions to be frank.
    Obviously a wife being any religion is going to be torn apart when she finds out her husband is interested in marrying another woman but it don’t give her the right to sit for yrs and let it eat her up.I don’t get this with women.Either accept Polygamy is allowed in Islam or leave Islam and polygamy it really is just that simple and need not be made into so much drama.

  • Gail

    October 17, 2015

    Sabr,

    I am happy I could help u in some small way.
    I will tell u something I have learned over the yrs as well that most women would never really think off until they r in the thick of it in a polygamous marriage.
    I never dreamed in a million yrs that my husband and first wife marriage would have any bearing on my own marriage in anyway but boy was I WRONG.I would even go as far as to say because of the lies my husband told to both of us wives he destroyed both of his marriages.
    My husband divorced the first wife legally in court before i ever came into the picture but from what I understand he did nothing his brother took care of everything because he was an idiot and only looking to seek immigration by marring me a foreign woman but he kept his 1st wife and did not give her oral talaq.yrs go by I figure out the Bull$hit and blow up and ready to chop them both off to be frank.After a few yrs I finally calm down enough to actually kinda sorta feel bad for my cowife to a degree and told him to fix this problem but his parents control him and he told me know.WELLLL that pissed me off because I don’t let people control me but my husband does so I started loosing respect for him and eventually the love as well to the point I find him repulsive and disgusting.
    Don’t get me wrong I am no huge fan of my cowife BUT at least she don’t repulse me like my husband does.
    I thought I would share how polygamous marriage is very intertwined in ways u would not really understand or know before jumping into the polygamous boat.
    Everyone says they try to keep the marriages separate and I believe woman do try but lets face it there is only one husband and he is sharing his life with multiple women so eventually at times u get this trickle down effect or in my case a Flood that wiped everything out.

  • Grim

    October 17, 2015

    Cici

    You yourself wrote “I’m having a relationship with this man”.

    You have yourself written how you have continued to have a relationship with this man even if you tried not to. You write “I failed”.

    So you are in a sinful and unislamic relationship with this man. And every time you talk to him without a chaperone present you are sinning. There is no such thing as a boyfriend in Islam. There is no way you are allowed to talk to this man alone, or about love or about his wife’s feelings. If you want to talk about marriage with him, your wali should be present.

    Everything you have done with this man up until now has been a terrible sin and against Islam. We are not to harm our fellow muslims, you and your “boyfriend” have caused his wife extreme harm by sinning against her and her rights.

    There should never have been any relationship between you.

    A man who wishes to marry you should talk to you wali. Be it as first, second or fourth wife.

    That is the right and honorable thing to do.

    What will you do when you find out this “boyfriend” has another “girlifriend” lined up that he intends to marry later on…?

  • Cici

    October 17, 2015

    Grim,

    Im afraid the accusation on me having commiting zina and other love crime are quite overboard. You are right on the right and wrong of having relationship with non mahram as elaborated below. Anyway thanks for the reminder.

  • Grim

    October 17, 2015

    Cici

    You have had relations with a married man, as per your confession. You should receive 100 lashes for the crime of zina. That you have the audacity to speak of the wronged wife’s emotions before people here is a further offense. You are not this man’s wife. You are his concubine from what you tell here, or an even worse word could be used. You have no right to be alone with him or speak of love with him. Or is your wali present when you do?

    Islam is not only cherry picking that which you wish – marrying another woman’s husband – it’s about following every rule and every command in the Quran.

    What have you done to show total remorse and repent? What have you done to make sure that you in no way infringe on a wife’s right to her husband (he is not yet anybody’s husband but hers!) and his fidelity while he is not married to you? What have you done to ensure Shaitan is not invitied into your life by feelings of lust or love for a man who is no mahram to you?

    “The woman and the man guilty of illegal sexual intercourse, flog each of them with a hundred stripes. Let not pity withhold you in their case, in a punishment prescribed by Allah, if you believe in Allah and the Last Day…”

  • Sabr

    October 17, 2015

    Salam

    Gail thank you so much for your advice. You say it clear and as it is and for me exactly what I need to hear to shift my thoughts in a conducive and positive direction. You actually did relay alot about myself and my concerns of others where I should look at myself and live by my principles and morals so I have a clear conscience. And yes men are allowed to marry again and it’s us wives who also have a responsibility on our families. We don’t have children inshallah we will be blessed with pious righteous healthy children soon. But he is my family and I play a part in making it good for us too. Writing out and reading your wisdom Gail has helped alot. May you be rewarded Ameen.

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2015

    The ones who revert to Islam and learn from the “Muslim” who never read the Quran (therefore, don’t know what’s in it), Reverts to jahilliyah (Days of Ignorance – before the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received the revelation (The Quran). Many of the “Muslims” in the Middle East and Africa live life like barbarians. They are barbaric in the way they view and treat women. They are behind times in their antiquated ways. They listen to people like that clueless Grand Ayatollah of Iran.

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2015

    Gail,

    Sadly, new converts/reverts, and I was one, are mislead. Not knowing any better, we listen to people who say they are “Muslim”, not knowing they never read the Quran and are only living culture. The converts get conned, so to speak, learning from people who don’t know their @$$ hole from their elbows. Then not only do we have to unlearn our own culture, but unlearn the new culture that we erroneously thought was Islam. The conned convert is all messed up until or unless he or she turns to Allah via the Quran.

  • Cici

    October 16, 2015

    Gail,

    That goes without saying, sister.haha. I wudnt bother to consult here if marrying him is not in the plan, surely.? As you hv elaborated below, both of us are currently having to face her stage 2 with her storm of anger and shock. It may take some time for her to vent her negative feelings, and by collecting info and experiences of poligamy here and there has helped a lot to equipped myself in facing this conflict wisely.

  • Gail

    October 16, 2015

    Cici,

    I am curious what are your plans?Are u going to marry your boyfriend?
    Glad I could help

  • Gail

    October 16, 2015

    Mari2 and Ana,

    The whole Pakistani wedding dancer and the entire Pakistani culture for that matter is disturbing and strange to say the least so yeah I agree with u totally Mari2.

    Mari2 as far as your Pakistani cowife goes that culture as much as it claims to be muslim is nothing more than crap to frank as far as I have seen.It is freaking joke that they claim to accept the Quran but do not follow it! It is mind blowing when u call them out on it and they make up there own version of Islam.Your cowife will never accept u because one she is his family member and second her mother will always tell her to try to get rid on u.Believe me I am certain she is doing the happy dance knowing your hubby and MIL no longer live with u.The entire thing is soooo off the hook weird.I lived in Pakistan long enough to get a good reality check and good hard dose of how those people function and it is straight up Bull$hit to be frank.
    I could not imagine having a transvestite come dancing up all on me shaking his A$$ in my face if I was a man.I mean how sick is that! But then again we r talking about a nation that seeks out young boys for gay sex so I guess we shouldn’t be to shocked I suppose.

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2015

    The wedding dancers thing is frigging bizarre. It’s some crazy crap. It certainly does sound like Lot’s people in modern times.

    I’ve mentioned a number of times on the blog about the documentary that I watched years ago, regarding Afghan people and their culture. It showed the women sitting all together on the floor, watching the men dance with one another gyrating as though they were having orgasms. It was unbelievable. It along with all the oppression imposed on people at the hands of so called “Muslims” are appalling. Allah says oppression is worse than slaughter.

  • Cici

    October 16, 2015

    Gail,

    I cant believe that u have articulated my thoughts almost precisely especially on her situation being the queen of her castle as well as in their marriage. That is spot on.! I wouldnt hv anyone who I ever confided on this matter saying the stuff to me. On the divorce issue, yes there was occasion when the matter has arised during our communication, I guessed she was testing me on my plan regarding her marriage. In respond, i assure her that their divorce is not something we opted for if the husband and me proceed our plan. I hope it gave her some relief that i was not going to have her husband all to my own.

    And regarding the meet up, that is something i can consider if Allah wills another meet up between us. And yes it is quite impossible to live under one roof, we are separated 4 hours away geographically, and both of us are working.

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2015

    My posts to everyone will probably be short for a while. I sent my laptop off today
    for repairs. I was sad seeing it go 🙁 I’m not ignoring anyone. I’m just not a one finger typer lol

  • Mari2

    October 16, 2015

    @Ana
    First wives do lose a bit when there is a number 2. Kind of like an only child undergoes a change when a new sibling arrives. I think what made it hard for me is that 2 demanded M to divorce me after he married her. And having a MIL in the mix AND she was living here AND had the same demands…well it was just too much. Toss in some crazy culture stuff and yeah the fact he had a second was really bringing me down. It wasn’t polygamy per say, but all the other stuff. I am happy now being basically on my own.

  • Mari2

    October 16, 2015

    @Gail
    I absolutely am also appalled by the culture of “wedding dancers” in Pakistan. I just don’t get the reasoning. During village weddings in Pakistan, men and women are separated for Islamic reasons yet the men are entertained by men, dressed as women who dance sexually for monetary and sexual favors from the men in the audience. Where is the Islam here in this practice? It makes no sense.

  • Gail

    October 16, 2015

    Cici,

    No to be frank her emotions don’t matter because u don’t mean any ill will towards her correct? Now if u were going to try to get her divorced or slit her throat then she should worry but her fears are unfounded.I suspect even if her husband wanted to divorce her u would step up for her and be a loving advocate on her behalf because that is what sincere loving cowives who’s hearts are in the right place do(see my point).U only mean good for her u even want a relationship with her which means your thinking towards polygamy is correct.
    Here is the thing with polygamy your husband could die before u or your cowife.U and your cowife would have each other and your children.U are still a family understand and your children are siblings.I am just saying every singel person that enters polygamy has to figure out how they personally want to live polygamy.Instead of u wasting time on her feelings which r subject to change like the weather u both need to be focusing on how u r actually going to live polygamy understand.Do u want to still marry him if she 100% has an attitude and don’t want to accept u?
    What if u ask her out to lunch or dinner just the two of u and explain to her everything I and others have told u here and explain to her u r going to go through with the marriage and u know she is hurting and u get it but u want to know how she wants to live polygamy and tell her how u would like to live it and then u two ladies figure it out.It don’t have to be up to the husband ANDDDD I highly suggest u don’t deal with him at all when it comes to u two ladies and your personal problems because men can’t help and actually they tend to make things worse to be frank so many times.One wife is always going to be pissed off.Men r just not good at being put in the middle SOOOO if u can I would suggest to both u two ladies to ask your cowife to build a bridge and get over her anger and either come out straight and tell u if she is going to accept polygamy or not and that u really want to be a part of her life if this is what u truly desire.
    See the problem is his wife has been used to being the queen of her castle and calling all the shots and running her life.She is happy the way it is going etc… Now that Polygamy has come up that mentally throws a huge wrench in her everyday smooth running life.
    G.D love her but it is going to be hard for her to up and change and not come across as controlling where u r concerned because she has controlled everything for so long and will now have to be 50/50 and this is rough and causes alot of chaos in polygamous marriages.First wife tries to bully and use her authority to keep the second wife down and keep her inferior.U will have to watch out for that esp since your cowife is much older than u and she is a first wife.Lord so many things to go over.Bottom line just make certain u r 100% committed to living polygamy the way u guys choose to live it before u jump in is my best advice to u.
    I am the type I wanted to live joint family and my excowife she wanted to live separate homes.I was not agree because she didn’t work and I am raising her kids in my home so I refused to agree to that because i thought she needed to help take care of the kids and not get a free pass.It was not a logical solution to me but in your case living separate might be the logical solution or not I don’t know only u and your husband and cowife know what is best for your family.

  • Gail

    October 16, 2015

    Sabr,

    Listen let me through something out there for u.Just what if u decided to not care one way or the other what your cowife thinks about u and u just be happy and do the morally right things u have been taught.I don’t know your cowife and she may be the sweetest person in the world or a witch I have no idea BUT i will tell u this if u will not focus on what other people and doing and focus on yourself and keep to your morals know matter what then I think it will be a heck of alot smoother sailing for.
    There is not one earthly reason for u to not go sit with your hubby and wish her Salams and chat with her a little and laugh and giggle with her.If somewhere down the road u see she is a devil then u can back off but until then if u take the mind set she is part of YOUR family now not just your husbands family(that is so stupid to me why people act nasty to a perfectly nice person if that person has never done any ill will towards them).
    Now in saying this if u r the type of person that wants nothing to do with your cowife or her future children then so be it but if u desire a relationship and to live as joint family unit and live in peace raising children etc…
    Look here is the reality most woman do not truly grasp…..
    The husband has the right to have other wives BUT the wives make the family Good or Bad.
    Something else I want to toss out there “””” Who gave the rights that husbands and wives only love each other and the cowives can’t love each other by heart?””””
    I just don’t get where wives seem to think they can’t have just as close as a relationship with each other as they do with their husband.I am obviously not talking about a sexual relationship but a spiritual connection as building each other up and raising each others kids and just being loving and kind and considerate.Things we r morally taught as children.

  • Cici

    October 16, 2015

    laila,

    I guess as much as i do, the wife also need her time to digest the husband intention to poligamy. I sensed that u have a point in saying that the meet up was meant for her to asses me in-person. And i welcome those kinda of gesture when she prompted the plan.

    Yes, we can say thousands of promising words in text,but seeing the person in flesh will give you some idea on true personality of the person ,yes?

    And thru the meet up, i can see how good she treated her husband, and i cant hide how impressed i am seeing them communicating on this matter openly.

    but i have some reservation tho, the positve attitude to me can change anytime when she is constantly being pressured with her emotions struggles.

    I do consider her feeling, as in putting myself in her shoes. And that led me to try satisfying her by putting my feeling aside several times and forced myself to forget the guy. Over time, i know i just cant, unless it is my will to do so.

    I do appreciate you opinions. And im still thinking and never give up praying to Allah swt for the best for me dunya and akhirat. At the end of the day, the poligamy only happens if it’s best for him,when Allah swt wills it,no?

    Joining this blog is helpful for me to have some mental preparations on the pros and cons before i really can make up my mind. I am over 30s, and i hv a lot ups and downs in life and i know being in poligamy is not a joke.{hugs}

    Gail,

    Again, you never fail to open my eyes frm your writing. I always feel underpriviledge when talking about equality.it is humbling talking about my feeling as compared to her being a wife with her rights and as for me who just a merely his potential wife with almost non-existant right. But isnt it ruthless if i adamant with her on my standing? she is female with fragile heart like many of us too anyway..
    {hugs}

  • Laila

    October 16, 2015

    Dear Cicinwants I hope my comments does not discourage you from getting married. But I’m just here to throw out the ideas in my mind and also in some indirect manner share my own experiences.

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2015

    Gail,

    The phone was acting crazy, which is why one of your comments got approved, un-apprroved and back approved again, in case you wondered. It’s shared a away now. 🙂

  • Laila

    October 16, 2015

    Yes Gail, you’re spot on. Sometimes when a future co-wife asks to meet up it could also be because they are curious as to how the other wife looks like and they sort of want to so some assessment. My co-wife was just being mean but nowadays Gail I’ve changed a lot in terms of viewing her. Yes she always causes trouble but then again, she probably has some form of pent up anger. I try to sort of out myself in her shoes at times to get an idea of what is her bone to pick with me. It’s helped me in so many ways. But Gail I also agree with Ana and that wives should not stay all together in one home. It’s disaster waiting to strike. Even if the relationship is all good and dandy but we should never take things lightly. Sometimes I feel a woman is only showing her one face and that we haven’t really scratched the surface. I also believe women all treasure their privacy and would not want to “share” their home. It’s too personal. Cici has a lot of thinking to do and really know what she’s getting into. Polygamy is serious stuff and as much as she might be coping with it now it may not be so under control in the future.

  • Sabr

    October 16, 2015

    Salam

    I appreciate the realness of this blog. Gail the stages you explained hit a note with me. I’m still very young in this journey and experiences. Im fighting within myself to overlook mistakes and accept But I’m not there with the real acceptance with time I pray inshallah I will be. Right now just focusing on myself to get on track and working on my faith. I have recently experienced my husband being on the phone to the Co wife I walked in and he was very much on edge and hung up. He is learning to manage the situation and asks for my understanding as she is currently abroad and time differences. It hurts the pain is there but trying to not focus on it. I know his habits and so seeing him on edge and trying to get his head round how he’s going to manage it makes me empathetic towards him but also I do feel sad. Makes me think of the early stages of just being married and the excitement that comes with it. Time together is short and I want us to make that special and for it to be happy inshallah. The co wife may not be here but it has happened they are married and that can be felt. The sun has risen have a wonderful Friday everyone inshallah

  • Gail

    October 16, 2015

    Laila,

    I agree with most of what u said but I don’t agree with the first wife being a Gem to even agree to meet up and talk.If we r being honest most wives when they find out their husband is considering polygamy wan to know everything about the other woman and meeting them would be on ALOT of woman naturally would want to meet the other woman and not out of some religious interest either unfortunately but more out of their own desire to sum up the competition in my opinion.
    You are correct that being honest does come with a price tag alot of times there is no doubt BUT it goes back to u doing the right thing and having a clear conscience at the end of the day.U can’t control other peoples emotions or behaviors toward u so it leaves us only being ab;e to do what is morally right and let the chips fall where they may so to speak.
    Laila I agree u got a pretty hateful and spiteful cowife from as much as u have stated on the blog but I don’t think u were wrong to be honest even if your cowife did wrong against u or your husband for being honest.Thats their issue to deal with Allah/G.D about not yours and u should have a clear conscience.
    I am a firm believer honesty is the best policy in any given situation and a person only lies if they r in fear.I mean if u were not in fear then u would not lie correct?I don’t know it is the way I see it.
    Laila I see it like this if u were honest and your cowife is not it only means u r more spiritually advance than she is so why on earth would u want to change yourself just because she is a ding dong?

  • Laila

    October 16, 2015

    Dear Gail. You said in one of your response that honesty goes a long way between two wives. Well in my case I was used for my honesty. She manipulated things to her advantage. Yes I do understand the need to have a relationship with a co-wife but I also would like to stress that no, we cannot rely or expect the co-wife to step in when we are sick. Having such expectations only depresses us when it doesn’t work out. I find people to be unpredictable. I understand that Cicinwants to start off on the right bearing but she forgets that the first wife is human and will need time to digest all this. Try wearing her co-wife’s shoes for once and see how things are reversed. I think the first wife is a gem to even want to meet up and just talk.

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2015

    Gail,

    Blind they are indeed. The people who blindly follow the edicts, scholars, Imams and leaders (and anyone who happen to have a title) are just as blind. Many Muslims have no idea what is in the Quran. I keep saying it because it is the truth. They just go with whatever someone tells them. They’ll google something and swear what they read is the truth, just because it’s online. Someone who was here on the blog recently did it when we were talking about the orphans – googled and repeated some story that was supposed to have taken place. I’m like where in the heck did she obtain the info. I said she must have googled it. I google it and sure enough, it was what the person had repeated on the blog. It’s crazy.

    The punishment for someone who is guilty of adultery (with 4 witnesses, which is virtually almost impossible) is flogging. It IS in the Quran. Do the scholars who issue the edicts, Imams et al. go by what is in the Quran? NO! They stone and kill women. What’s up with that? There is a whole lot that’s not in the Quran that the so called leaders are propagating and supporting. YET, the men do what they want to do – have sex with men and boys, rape women and put the women in prison for it or stone her to death. They’ll kill a woman based on suspicion of some wrong doing etc. It’s crazy. Then when someone talks sense from the Quran – someone who knows what Allah says, people don’t want to listen because the person doesn’t have a title.

    Most of the Muslims today are CURSED. They commit mega shirk. If I offend anyone by what I’ve said

    Now, they’re all running – well, I should say walking to Europe for the Non-Musims to take care of them. If they had done right and obeyed Allah based on what is in the Holy Quran, there fate would be a lot different. Allah’s promises are true.

  • Gail

    October 15, 2015

    Ana,

    Oh girl u have NOOOO Idea how bad it is and how deep it runs.These transgender are all over Pakistan and they r so freaking scary.I can’t tell u how many of them I have had approach me in Pakistan and every single time I freak out because even though they r dressed like women begging on the street from car to car because u can obviously tell they r men.What makes it worse in Pakistan people actually think these weirdos are respectable.They dance at weddings and at births of children and I think they people even have them pray for them not to mention they r used by men for gay sex.Believe me when I say these Muslim nations or more like Sodam and gommorah than European countries in my personal opinion because these people claim to be religious but can’t even see what is before their eyes.They r blind.

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2015

    About Iran, Gays and Transgender (See video below), to add to what I stated, Allah in the Holy Quran says He created everyone in perfect proportion. What right does a man or woman have to say they don’t like their gender and try to change it?

  • Gail

    October 15, 2015

    Ana,

    I started laughing when I read your post Polygamy expert! lol
    All I can think is Man if I knew then what I know now! Although u know what I really no longer blame the screwed up Polygamous marriage I lived in as my fault I believe the blame lies 100% with my husband.
    U know I said I couldn’t do Polygamy again if u remember but since I have had cancer and health issues I have changed m mind I could do it but only if I had a decent husband that new how to practice it.
    I see the need and the good outweighs any negativity to Polygamy as long as everyone’s hearts are in the right place.
    As far as Cici goes I been there done that myself with my own excowife.I told her in anger that I was coming back to USA and filing for divorce.I was testing her to see what she would say and she said ok she would wait on me to file for divorce.hahahahahah That pissed me of with her needless to say and I B@tch slapped her by telling husband to pick ASAP and giver her the oral talaq or I was flying back to USA and divorcing him as soon as I hit the airstrip.
    I was really upset that time my first husband was in the hospital dying I could not get a flight out and my 17 yr old son was here in USA all alone.The electric company shut the electric off he had no money to purchase food I had a mental breakdown to say the least.I really was in he mindset that time I wanted to destroy my husband and cowife.To top it all off we had little money and when I came back to USA I had less than 100 dollars in my pocket.It was a horrible disaster that made me hate my husband and his entire family to be frank that i just never got over.I vowed I would never be that broke again in my life.

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2015

    Let me share something with you that goes to show one needs to learn Islam for him or herself, and not rely on any edict, scholar or whatever the person calls himself or others call him. I was watching on the news this morning the “Grand Ayatollah” of Iran being interviewed. It was about gays being put to death in Iran. Gays in Iran are put to death for being Gay. Yet, transgender people are allowed to live as anyone else. The person was asked why? The person said that nothing is mentioned in the Quran about Transgenders and whatever is not mentioned in the Quran is allowed.

    Well, hello, just because a man went and got an operation to make him a fake vagina and he says he is a woman, doesn’t make him one. He is still a man who prefers men, regardless of what he or anyone else calls him. Allah speaks in the Quran against men who prefer men over women, and seek them out.

    It’s not rocket science. It’s unbelievable those ignorant people are in positions whereby they are viewed as scholars and leaders. No wonder Muslims are in the state of condition that they are in.

  • Gail

    October 15, 2015

    Cici,

    Yes now u get it!!! U r not less than her!! U r not his mistress u r his potential wife and that gives u just as much rights as her.Obviously first wives struggle with this.I agree with u she is more than likely in the anger and pissed off mode now and how long that will last is up to her.U can’t control her emotions u can only control your own and lay it on the line to her at some point if u go forward with the marriage.NEVER and I mean NEVER consider yourself less than her simply because u r the second wife.You are equal to her in every way.Hugs….

  • Cici

    October 15, 2015

    Gail,

    I got your point and putting it my current situation, it is spot on. The stages in poligamy that you have clearly elaborated above has widen my understanding on true colors of poligamy.I can say that she is now at stage 2 whereby the diplomatic text has dissapeared between us. And I can sense the angered and hatred vibe fro the last time we communicated.I kept surrendering and validating her feeling and meanwhile ignoring my own feeling which which slowly eat me up.yes, there is some point of time, i cant keep satisfying her request anymore. Thank you so much for the good advice.

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2015

    Mari2,

    A problem is that men don’t know anything about a polygamous marriage either, until he is in one. Many Muslim men devalue women regardless. It’s probably due to the erroneous teachings of Islam. For instance women are taught that if they were to worship anyone other than Allah it would be the Husband. She is told that she will not into paradise unless her husband is pleased with her. That type of mentality enslaved a woman. It’s all wrong false teachings. The man thinks he has no obligation to her.

  • Mari2

    October 15, 2015

    Ana,
    I agree. It is only the first stage of acceptance. My thought and experience is learned through my mistakes. The crazy emotions I felt and endured because I didn’t open my mouth enough. Husbands have a part in alllll this we accept. They too must negotiate the ups and downs. They too must pray and be husbands still. As they were they still remain. The responsibility of dealing with polygamy should not be on the wives solely. Too many men in particular cultures think that while they have a right to a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th marriage, the wives have no right to complain. And I believe that is just so wrong.

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2015

    Mari2,

    You need to consider as well that a woman who marries a man who already has a wife gains something. Her desires are being fulfilled. The wife who married first stand to lose. She loses certain aspects of her marriage. She is losing a full time husband, lose sharing affection, sharing a bed with the one she loves Etc she loses financially, as well, as the husband’s wealth has to be shared between both wives. Looking at it from a worldly perspective, the wife who married first must sacrifice much.

  • Mari2

    October 15, 2015

    @Gail
    I totally understand the warm feeling it is when the inlaws leave. There are times I am very sure the cultural demands are far and above anything Allah himself would have required. Fortunately for the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), Allah gave him wives and not entire families He had to deal with.

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2015

    Mari2,

    I think acceptance of Polygamy is where you are. However, if a person is still at the stage of crying, sad, depressed, in pain, and is suffering that is not acceptance. You could equate acceptance with someone extending a personal invitation to an event that you want to go to. If the person accepts the invitation, the person is happy and has joy.

  • Mari2

    October 15, 2015

    Scorpio83
    I absolutely understand the emotional roller coaster you are on. Men, even the most loving husbands can be obtuse much of the time. You should just express either in words or in writing to him what your feelings are. Just state how you feel AND offer to him suggestions as to how he can help you through the process. Also tell him what steps you are taking to help yourself and reach out to Allah. Ask your husband what he can do for you in order to help you in addition to what you are already trying. He’s the one taking another. He should be trying to help you too. The big mistake I made was putting on a happy face and NOT asking M how he planned to encourage me over the humps. As I said acceptance is easy. Allah gives us that. The daily grind is hard and the men need to figure out how to deal with it. Because M was flamboyantly unaware that both wives have feelings, he failed to adequately prepare either of us. I told him and his mom to leave. Number 2 calls to recriminate him daily because “you give Mari everything! ” Now he and I have a fabulous marriage because his mom and all that culture crap is gone from my home. No more interruptions. We have been together for 4 years this month has been the best ever! Ahh…the Victorian elite had a great idea with separate living arrangements.

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2015

    Scorpio83,

    What you are feeling is typical of what a woman in a polygamous marriage feels. Just about every woman will go through exactly what you are going through. Its unfortunate that your husband is not understanding. At a time like this, you need a husband who is patient, understanding, and compassionate. I don’t know what you could do other than what you have done, which is to explain to him how you feel and what you need from him. It’s a very trying time for you right now. Know that we are here for you whenever you just want to talk or have any questions. Perhaps others will share some thoughts with you as well. Know that you are not alone. Hugs

  • Scorpio83

    October 15, 2015

    I’m a bit of an emotional reck at the moment, and when I get upset my husband doesn’t like it .. I’m trying really hard to stay positive but unfortunately I’m not that strong and I have my moment of weakness where my mind will wander, where thoughts of there relationship pops into my mind.
    I really don’t understand how I should make my husband understand that the decision that he has taken might be the right one for him but for me it’s just not that easy… I have nothing against wife number 2…but I wish my husband would understand the emotional state that I am in at the moment
    My mind and heart are constantly battling with each other

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2015

    Cici,

    Gail told you the way it is -straight up. She described what women go though in polygamy the way it actually is. She could write a book about it and I believe it would be a best seller. I think she called it right about you wanting to invoke sympathy from her and the man by saying you’ll walk if she doesn’t accept. Of course she won’t accept. Would you if in her shoes? I agree with Gail. Don’t play games. Be straight forward.

    Gail,

    EXCELLENT POST! You qualify as a polygamy expert in my book. 🙂

  • Gail

    October 15, 2015

    Cici,

    I understand u telling the wife u would walk away but listen that is a stupid thing to do and I will tell u why.Think logically What wife when presented with the offer of the another potential wife saying oh if u can’t handle polygamy I will walk away? OF COURSE they r going to to pick for u to walk away and then when u actually DON”T walk away because u really didn’t mean it in the first place then guess what u r have just made the situation worse by deeming yourself a liar.So bad move on your part for no other reason than trying to gain sympathy from her on your part.Obviously we would all love the 1st wife to embrace us as second wives but that is going to happen only in an ideal world which we don’t live in soooo that is why I am saying be careful what u utter out of your PIE HOLE/Mouth from now on.
    I would say the longer u drag this thing on the more pissed off and angry she is going to become.Normally what happens is the first step is crying,disbelief that your loving husband could do something so piggish to you.Second step is getting pissed off very pissed offfff and angry where u think of ways to discard the body just in case u seriously decide to slit is throat.Third step is tolerance towards the other wife(but may secretly hate her but deal the situation for the sake of the kids and financial,or religious,cultural reasons)On this step u have wives competing with each other and secretly happy to see the other wife suffer.Example one wife might have a miscarriage and the other wife is having a celebration party in her head but saying with her mouth OH she is so sorry.So alot of backbiting going on in this stage.
    Forth step Not everyone makes it to the forth step and that would be total acceptance of Polygamy and there are many different forms of acceptance some wives might choose to live single and never mix up with each other but accept the schedules and live in peace where other cowives might choose to live together and raise their children together in the same home.Acceptance is different for every family.
    If u have made your mind u love this guy and u really are prepared to deal polygamy and everything it entails then I would suggest to u settle this sooner rather than later.No good will ever come from waiting so long because the wife will think she got rid of u understand.
    Also I think instead of u saying the same old cliche thing that I meant to walk away but I couldn’t because I love him.It is better u Pony up and tell her straight u r sorry.The one thing i figured out in Polygamy it is sooooo much better if u just don’t make excuses.Your cowife needs to here and needs u to understand her feelings are valid and the same u need to have her validate your feelings as well.I made a HUGEEEE mistake to not validate my excowife’s feelings.I treated her like a child because she was 12 yrs younger than me and I really regret doing that.I should have been more considerate of her feelings.

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2015

    Sabr, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I definitely am not one who, if any, think you are in la la land. I’m 100% with you in ALL that you said. We’re on the same page. I like the way you express it. I, too, believe we need to work on ourselves body, mind, and soul. My life is so beautiful and I have so much joy when I’m totally absorbed in remembering Allah. Consistency, as you said, is key.

    I better try to get some sleep, Insha Allah. Nice chatting with you.

  • Sabr

    October 15, 2015

    Salam Ana

    Thanks so much for the encouraging words. It is a lot of comfort writing my thoughts and being positive. The more I let go of the anger and upset the clearer my mind becomes to focus on the good things in life and what I need to work on inshAllah I believe we will get there. No that was my only post today.

    A friend recently said to me the more we work on our relationship with Allah and bettering ourselves in line with the beautiful guidance of Islam the more we seem to be able to juggle lots of things and somewhat effortlessly subhanAlah. It’s so very true and it is at times hard to be consistent but we have to do what we can to shun Satan trying to divert us bring us down. I do believe that hearts do catch up with actions and what I mean by that is if we are praying every day that is fantastic start and to then develop that imbedded habit of prayer to the next level of adding extra prayers, reviewing and checking we are praying correctly and working on attaining peace and humility within our prayers. I need to work on this as a priority.

    Life is about progressing till the end. We shouldn’t stand still, keep moving physically ie exercise is exhilarating at any pace but when the heart gets going and you work up a sweat it feels so good so refreshing for the mind but mandatory is to combine with spiritual development the soul needs to be nurtured and we shouldn’t take either for granted.

    I know for some I may come across as in ‘lala’ land and I may be too unrealistic and detached from the everyday emotional rollercoaster of polygamy, the shame, the insecurities, justifying it etc But I have learnt through life and from my husband to keep going, to keep building, keep improving, happiness is from Allah but we can all have this we can God willing – we need to pave the way from within ourselves and allow it to manifest in our actions and words. I really believe this!

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2015

    Sabr, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you much for making it easier for us all to know who we are talking to, by using the Arabic word for Patience, as there were two with the user name. I appreciate it greatly. Thank you for the very insightful post, as well. There is so much to take from it. It’s very beneficial.

    I thought there was another post of yours that came through, that I tried to approve on my phone. My phone does crazy things such as approving comments and then disapproving them. Sometime I have to go back and forth with it. If you did post and it got erased somehow, I apologize.

  • Sabr

    October 15, 2015

    Salam

    This is patience from the october thread. I realised there was a patience in the august thread which wasnt me so ive changed my name to Sabr which is the Arabic word for patience 🙂
    Every situation is different and as a wife to make things easier on her husband as long as it’s right it’s good and reward able inshallah. I don’t believe a relationship with the Co wife is necessary. If it develops and is beneficial as you said Gail in your situation. However I think the husband should take responsibility from the outset in making it as easy as he can for both wives. Ultimately reassurance for a woman and security truly only comes from understanding her faith and building a relationship with her Lord. At some point early on every woman would feel the intimacy issue and sharing your husband. And whoever is out there to say you aren’t pleasing your man in the bedroom doesn’t understand men. It could be he needs more than the intimacy he has from you but I wouldn’t dwell on that at all it’s the make up of man his virility. Everyone’s marriage must progress and that requires work from both. Sometimes it feels as if you the wife are doing everything to make it work but sometimes that’s just what we like to see and hold on to but it is playing the victim card,is very draining and unproductive. Making an effort so there is happiness is a beautiful thing. For our husbands to come home to love and peace is beneficial for all and reward able inshallah. Yes things happen and it’s how we respond and deal with it is what takes our relationship forward or stalls us. There are some great CBT techniques around positive thinking and not allowing yourself to dwell on negative thoughts and how to respond to a negative feeling rather than letting it spiral into reality and affect your well being. Apologies just gone off on a tangent just wanted to share some thoughts. Salaam x

  • cici

    October 15, 2015

    Gail,

    Thank you very much for the advices. it takes courage to ask for a chat again with her. but it’s enlighting tho. Both of them are 12 years older than me. What I meant of cool off period is that we both on ‘disconnected’ mode, I dont know until when. We were urged by the wife to stop contacting each other in her effort to break our relationship. I kept promising to her I would walk out of his life but I failed again and again. I dont want to be a munafiq. His husband was trying to contact me every now and then, but I felt so guilty to the wife, so I remain silent even though my heart screams.And I still dont give up praying to Allah swt to pave me the best way in this situation.

  • Gail

    October 15, 2015

    Cici,

    I was going to advise u to explain to her that u swear u r not jealous of her and u want a family not just the man.Also explain to her u swear u r not jealous of their sex life because u see it as he is only with her and u and you want so much to have her as your best friend and sister and u know it is hard on her and that is wh u keep reaching out to her.
    Explain to her what u can bring to the family unit if anything.I am flat out saying try to make her excited and see this is a win win and she is gaining a bestfriend and a sister/she is loosing nothing!
    I don’t know the age difference between u and your prospective cowife but being honest goes a long way.
    U do what u want but believe me I can think of ALOT worse things than having a decent cowife.lol

  • Gail

    October 15, 2015

    CiCi,

    I don’t know what u mean by cooling off period.I don’t even know if that really exist in Polygamy to be frank.Polygamy is a roller coaster ride as much as I have witnessed.
    Listen if u love the guy and he loves u then it is ok and as far as his wife I would ask her again for a chat maybe just the two of u this time and ask her without him around straight up if it is the sex that is disturbing her since she admitted her sex life was an issue in the past.
    Also tell her that although it is the mans right to take another wife and instead of seeing it as a curse it can very well be a blessing and not a curse at all.
    What I would give to have my excowife with me to help me out with our kids while I was going through Cancer.I also have been diagnosed with a serious stomach illness called gastroparesis and because my husband decided to act like an A hole I got left holding the bag.DO u think he helps he with the kids or housework? I work 2 businesses, I do homeschooling and I cook and clean and do deal my home.
    My point is u never know when u will need a cowife and if both get along it can sure be a blessing.I tell u the truth A good cowife is every bit as valuable as a good husband and if not more valuable if truth be told.

  • cici

    October 14, 2015

    Gail,

    In addition, yes, I do feel important to befriend with the his wife. I believe the three- way communication is greatly helpful in assisting/ supporting the husband to improve himself to be better for both wives. His wife and I were in good term when we first met. We sat together, discussed peacefully, and hugs each other before we bid farewell. I think it’s ok if it doesn’t mean anything good for future relationship with his husband, but I felt good about it. It’s the ukhuwah that matters.

  • cici

    October 14, 2015

    Dear Ana/Gail,

    Thanks for the useful insight.

    Gail,

    To respond to your query, there is time the jealousy popped in my mind when her name arised in our conversation, but I quickly shaked off the jealousy thoughts. In regards to their sex life, I think I can handle my emotion well. And I do agree it is not as easy for the wife to accept the idea of sharing his husband that she is having for her own for over 18 years.Definitely it is not easy for her to accept the fact that her husband has the intention to marry another woman after the long years together, no?

    When the wife and I texted with each other, there was time when she told me that she is accepting me being her sister wife, but in the next day, she resisted. I was lost.

    When three of us sat down to discuss this, she acknowledged that her husband can support another wife/family financially. And she admitted that she was not fully satisfied with their sex life at some point of time (yes I was already in the picture at that time),and she has big concern on his being fair later on when stepping into poligamy.

    From my observation, I see her as very good woman, wife and mother. And upon knowing our relationship, she was not instantly putting the blame on either his husband or me, but rather take it as a test from Allah. She still has some reservation that if Allah wills the poligamy to her husband, she will LEARN to accept it.It broke my heart to see her sincerity and humility.

    All I can do now is to shut him out of my life for now until the everything cools down.

  • anabellah

    October 14, 2015

    Gail,

    I agree with you that a wife needing to be the “favorite wife”, and not being able to cope with him having sex with his other “WIFE” is a woman’s downfall in a polygamous marriage. Unless she could get past it, she will suffer. Those two things are indicative that a wife has not accepted polygamy. Regardless of how much she tells herself and others that she has, she has not. She’s in denial.

  • anabellah

    October 14, 2015

    Lurker,

    I still haven’t received my black seeds 🙁 I tracked it yesterday and learned it was sent back to the company in California despite me giving the the company my physical address, as they asked. The original address they had was for the PO box. The package was only 15 minutes from my house at UPS when they sent it back to CA. Alhumdulliah! They said they’ll resend it, so I’m having it sent to my wali, as I’ll be on vacay when it arrives.

    On top of it, my laptop battery won’t charge. I trouble shot it with HP today and they said it’s the computer not the battery. So, I have to send it to them to repair for free, which will take 2 weeks for me to get it back. In the interim I’ll have to write on the blog from my phone or tablet. I don’t intend to do a whole lot of typing on those.

    There are just a bunch of little jacked up things that are happening LOL. At least I’m not out there footing my way to Germany in the start of winter the way the migrants are. It makes me cry to watch the videos of them and read the new. How sad?

  • anabellah

    October 14, 2015

    @Gail,

    Hip, Hip Hooray! They are gone…

  • Gail

    October 14, 2015

    Cici,

    I would suggest to u that if Polygamy is something u really want to step into then u need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself is it important to befriend his wife?For some women it is not important at all and for others it is very important.For me I felt it to be very important and still do.
    Let me ask u straight do u get jealous knowing he is having sex with his wife and be honest? If u can say NO u really think u r ok with it and will be ok with it then I think thats a great start.Obviously his wife can’t say that and that is where she needs help.Her husband may very well be the only man she has slept with(I don’t know this but being a muslim I am assuming maybe he is) In my case my excowife was the first man she slept with and it was very hard on her and she played the sex part off since she could not divorce in saying she don’t like sex t o protect herself.
    I will say looking back and I mean this in a very sincere way that wives and cowives do not help each other in this area but instead make sex like a torture game between them which is sooo not cool.They do everything under the sun to be the favorite wife sexually,mentally,etc…and it is the biggest waste of time.
    My advice is talk to your boyfriend and ask him straight if he thinks his wife hangup is centered around sex or does she really feel that he can’t step up to the plate and support two families.Get to the bottom of what is eating her.If it is centered around sex which in most cases is if people r honest then u got something to work with.I will explain more later after u find out in more detail.

  • Gail

    October 14, 2015

    Mari2,

    I couldn’t have said it better myself to scorpio83.

    EVERYONE,

    Inlaws are gone thanks G.D!!!!

  • anabellah

    October 14, 2015

    Cici, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome! It’s nice that you’ve found this blog. Alhumdulliah!

    My advice to you would be that you find out what he wants to do. Allah says men may be polygamous. Allah permits them to be. If the man whom you are interested in marrying is willing to marry you WITHOUT hiding you, WITHOUT keeping you a secret from his wife and family then the ball is in your park as to whether to marry him or not.

    If he is willing to “marry you” respectfully (not wanting you to be a hidden mistress – side dish, but a wife) then its up to you if you marry him or not. So, I’d suggest that you begin there – with his intention. There is no need to consider what to do if he is not willing to marry you the right way. If he is not willing to man-up and be a husband to you, then you’ve got your answer.

    If he is willing to exercise his right to marry more than one wife. I’d imagine you would go ahead and marry him. No where in the Holy Quran does Allah says a man needs his wife’s permission before he could marry another. Most women, INCLUDING MUSLIMS, are against polygamy. If every man waited for his wife to be on board and accepting of polygamy and his wish to marry, before he married another, there would be no polygamy.

    Of course he should discuss it with his wife because Allah tells us to conduct our affairs with mutual consultation. Consulting with her does not mean get her permission.

    If you marry him, you know what to expect. She has shown you. The question is whether he can deal with opposing her or not. Are you important enough to him that he will fight for you and marry you honorably. If not, I’d suggest you walk (move on), as the relationship is going no where fast.

    Those are my two cents on the matter.

  • Cici

    October 14, 2015

    Assalamualaikum.

    Alhamdulilah I found this inspiring blog on poligamy. It is very informtive and exube positive vibe to read while my mind is having conflict nowadays.

    I feel called to share my story here. And hopefully i can hv some good insights from sisters.

    I’ m having a relationship with a colleague, and he is married. I see that he has all qualities that I consider as essential to be a good husband, and knowing him to this extent, I can assure that he is a good husband and father to his current family. Our work relationship grows to more intimate ,over the period I still resistant to be close to him , for I know that it will cause damage to me or his family someday. But Allah is Almighty, I finally cant deny the feeling I hv for him. Initially I was resistant on the idea of poligamy, for I believe it wil cause more harm to me, his wife and his growing kids. There was a period when I felt so guilty to his wife and I prayed to Allah swt that she will discover our relationship sooner, perhaps that’s how I can end it.

    Thankfully his wife found out, and she started communicated with me. Asking me to stop contacting her husband. I did try, but failed. And from that point, we were getting serious about getting married. He relayed his intention to his wife, and yes, she was devastated. Every now and then, the wife contacted asking diplomatically for me to break up our relationship. She did mention that she was not that strong to step in poligamy, with various reasons, ie her patience, her concern that her husband cant be fair and just to his wives, and the list go on.

    The next thing was, she asked me for a meet up, along with the husband. At this point she urged us to promised that me and the husband will not contacting each other. I do feel pity for her broken heart, and I insists to the husband, divorcing his wife is not an option even though she kept pressuring her husband if he want to choose me.

    Now I am in dillema. I keep telling myself to forget him, to be postive on His test, but in the next, I still hopeful that her wife will change her mind eventually. I still believe the poligamy will only happen if He Wills it, but it’s hard for me to make up mind to forget him. And i believe he is also having same issue as me.

    Appreciate useful advice from sisters(or brothers).

    Jazakallah..

  • anabellah

    October 14, 2015

    Mari2,

    I like very much what you said. You stated, ” And know that the ground rules are fluid as you mature your way through the process.” You and Patience summed it up nicely and brought it home. Well said. Thank you, both. I’m tracking… I hear you!

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2015

    Patience,

    I like how you said, “We are a work in progress”. It’s so true. Mari2 mentioned is as, “mature your way through the process”. I don’t know anyone who was in a polygamous marriage that just got it all right from day one.

    Many of us don’t consider that being in polygamous marriages are just as new and challenging for the husbands, as well. They feel their way around with it the same as the wives. They are going to make mistakes and get it wrong at times. They too are “a work in progress”. We live it and we learn it.

    The spying is a huge temptation for wives. I think once we’ve gotten burned with it a number of times, we know not to go there again – putting our eyeballs where they don’t belong. Plus the guilt and shame that follows helps to get us right. With time and trying to get right with Allah, we eventually move away from evil, sinful way. I believe it’s part of the purification process.

    What is huge when we first get into a polygamous marriage eventually become insignificant when we believe Allah is in control. For instance, one may be obsessed with the schedule and time. After while, a wife may not cares when he gets there and may give time away. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her husband. She’s gotten her priorities straight and have grown in Faith. It’s beautiful to see the growth. It’s so rewarding in terms of the peace in the mind and heart that one feels.

    Insha Allah, all will go well for you when the co arrives. Being new to Islam, young and in a new country will be challenging for her. She’s got her work cut out for her. So does he. You have a good attitude. Most importantly, you seek Allah’s help and guidance, so you should do just fine 🙂

  • Scorpio83

    October 13, 2015

    Maria2
    Thank u so much for your kind words and guidance.
    SubhanAllah I have increased my day to day zikr.
    I am constantly doing dua asking for guidance as well as sabr.
    To be honest as I don’t have any close friends and nobody who I can Relate to in regards to this situation I can only go by what I feel is best at the time.
    This blog really has helped.
    As I’m not close too my family due to other problems … I just feel that as my husband is the only support I have left, me having to share him with someone else now upsets me at times.
    Unfortunately due to family problems in the past I am somewhat a negative person
    Right now trying to see the good in this situation is proving to be quite difficult.
    Ma sha Allah I have children but as they are growing up I feel they don’t need me as much anymore and with hubby marrying again I feel I am no use to anyone

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2015

    Hey Laila,

    Happy Belated Birthday. It’s nice you had a blast. I pray all goes well with your pregnancy treatments.

    It’s okay that you were not able to input. I’m just happy whenever you are able to stop in and give us a holla. I understand that we’ve all got lives that require our time. I wouldn’t be able to keep the blog up if I worked for someone other than Allah. 🙂 It’s time consuming. You sound that you have been super busy. I’m glad it’s been good. Nothing much has been going on with me. It’s all good. I’m happy to be alive and kicking. LOL

  • Mari2

    October 13, 2015

    Scorpio83
    Acceptance is really the easiest part. The day to day living is where you will be tested the most. This is the part where shaitan will try to mess with you. You will need to focus on Allah very much. And you will need to derive Allah’s strength into your own words, kind words, and express to your husband what you are willing to deal with at that particular time. And remember to not just pray for you but pray to Allah to guide your husband as well. I have come to realize that the more I pray that Allah guides my husband on a good path, the stronger our marriage becomes.

  • Mari2

    October 13, 2015

    Scorpio83,
    It is one thing to accept a second marriage and then the other thing is that you have to figure out how you can best negotiate your feelings. Lay some ground rules as to what will work best for you. And know that the ground rules are fluid as you mature your way through the process.

    When my husband married 2 I was and still am in acceptance of the marriage. But…..it was hard at the beginning to have friends post stuff to him (and subsequently me) via social media. I had to remove his family and friends. M called me the night of his walima. Not good for me mentally. M asked me at one point to track 2’s cycle to know when she could get pregnant. Not good for me mentally. I at least had the foresight to tell M that Nooooo pictures of their marriage would be allowed here. I did ask M to allow me to have a conversation with 2, but still to this day she refuses to acknowledge me or my salams. Fine. But that is a HUGE reason why I asked him to remove my MIL from my home. My MIL has 2 DILs for 1 son. The entire time she was here, MIL interrupted every conversation M and I may have had with CONSTANT references to 2. So they both had to leave for MY peace of mind.

    So, in conclusion, know what you can handle right now. Know what your terms are and let them be known to your husband. And know that it is okay to change course if need be. It’s AWESOME that you accept. Step one. Step 2 is accept and pray. Step 3 is accept, pray, lay down your Islamic rights and gain comfort in the love of Allah.

  • patience

    October 13, 2015

    Thanks Ana for taking time out to reply. He is supportive mashallah. But he is a very different servant of Allah’s. By that I mean I believe his heart is good and he intends good but the actions may not follow or I may have made it difficult and not forgotten things or let things go. I can paint with my words an ideal marriage and acceptance of polygany but we are work in progress inshallah in the right direction towards the Almighty. His second wife will move to the country we live sometime next year. She came for the nikkah where he spent 2 weeks with her visited me occasionally in the day. I found this hard but have let it go now. I wanted him to be fair but at the same time i understood she was to return and be back months later. He needed this time with her also to ensure he was making the right decision. As she is very young and new to Islam. He texted and called me as much as he could telling me he loved me and sending me silly messages that had memories and meant something special just between us. Yes it still upset me alot and the nights were very hard being alone. It was painful and I couldn’t eat but alhamdulillah in such a short period I have come along way. Perhaps some say of course it’s easier as she isn’t here till next year but I have got through one hard step and when she returns I believe he will spend his time between us as fair as he can. Mistakes will happen but I pray we get through it and are patient Inshallah. He has always been very giving and I hope this is not taken advantage of.
    I have read conversations about me to her making us sound incompatible and somethings that are very hurtful prior to their nikkah. I confronted him and he seemed remorseful but kind of was a bit slap dash about it that men do these things but don’t mean it. I’ve not needed that from him and he knows that although he tried to make it better by trying to mention a weakness of hers I relayed it was unnecessary and actually wrong to do so. He says he has recticified this and told her we are fine. Naive i may be but I believe him and as his sister said if he does wrong it’s with him. I still can’t help but want to protect him and make sure he doesn’t do wrong. Make it easy on him but perhaps I’m doing too much of his job with this situation. I agree I don’t think it’s necessary for me to know her. Our lives Will be kept separate. I have overlooked his mistakes in how he has gone about things as I do believe he is trying and will Improve inshallah. He adores me and what he has embarked on is not my doing or my fault I believe that. But suspicion is evil and doesn’t bring any good. What good comes from reading messages nothing. We have so much we can and should focus on rather than a horrible act of spying. I’ve done it and it’s achieved nothing but pain and grief. It just doesn’t matter and we should keep away from that and then begin to control the wandering of thoughts that are destructive and create insecurities and paranoia. Stay strong lovely ladies. May Allah protect us and keep us steadfast on His path ameen

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2015

    Patience,

    I’m really glad you posted. I enjoyed reading it. Your tone was so soothing and relaxing to me. Its nice to hear that you are coming to terms with being in a polygamous marriage. It’s inspiring. About the anger and such, we always have to be on top of our game with subduing are negative emotions.

    You sound too have a good, supportive husband. It’s nice of you to be concerned about your co. Perhaps, one day, if it pleases Allah, you two will be closer. I somewhat think there is no real need for it unless the wives are on the same page. Still, it is nice of you to be concerned about her feelings.

    It seems Allah has blessed you with a good job, and has allowed you to get physical fitness in and to do enjoyable things.

    I find that when we try to help others and we are not all about ourselves that good things happen to us frequently. I found that in my life. Inshallah you will continue to write and share here. Thanks for the lovely post.

  • Laila

    October 13, 2015

    Hey Ana. I was busy with my studies as the usual in my life. I am also now in the midst of my pregnancy treatments etc. I think what was making me super busy was that in the last four months I really worked my butt off at a University. Eventhough it was a part-time activity but I had my hands full. So now that the semester is over and done with I finally have time and I am enjoying every bit of going slow. In the past I disliked being available and I actually loved being busy as it kept me going. But I have come to enjoy the little bit of time I have to spend at home and the little quiet ME TIME. I’ve always been around Ana, in spirit. I just didn’t have the time to read everyone’s stories and be able to provide some input. I also travelled to Indonesia again and had a good time. I was also crazy busy getting a new car. So all in all, I was super busy. I think sometimes we think life is tough but then again when you read the stories of people feeing from Syria, I just at that moment feel so blessed. Yes, I do have my days of major blow ups but it’s nothing compared to the people running away from all these troubled countries. They have had to leave their homes, pets, belongings and just risk their lives.

    Oh yes, I also celebrate my birthday last month and it was a blast.

  • Patience

    October 13, 2015

    Thanks Ana. I have to fight the thoughts and feelings that make me upset and angry. But it’s worth it to have real peace and love in our home rather than negativity. Gym helps a lot and so does work. Alhamdulillah I have a good job. My team is wonderful and I am grateful to have been able to have had the chance to support my husband through his own journey that he can provide for us both Alhamdulillah. Yes I have felt like I was owed something but I realize now I am not and it has all been and is from Allah.
    In his own way he has tried to protect me by telling his nearest loved ones so they are there for me and know that I am loved. His second wife I don’t think will integrate with the family perhaps they will meet once in a while but she will be away. I did ask him if that was fair and he said they aren’t interested. I will do my best to get them on board to welcome her and be good to her. They are a very loving family and will not be cruel to her just I guess they don’t see a place for her in the family or maybe just not yet.
    I worry about my husband a lot I hope he has made a good decision and he is looked after and he does good by her too. I wont meet her he doesn’t feel it is necessary.
    Yes it is so true not to concern yourself with thoughts of what they are doing where they are going – you just don’t know and get yourself tangled in a horrible mess of upset and worry that consumes you. What’s the point? It just spirals out of control and pushes you away from each other when you confront him about what did you do with her? Why did you take her there? How much have you spent? He in his own way will be as fair as he can be and will make mistakes but if we go looking for the mistakes then we don’t move on and live in peace. To try and figure out who he loves more is also madness and will make us crazy.
    I am not there yet but I am work in progress – beginning to understand myself more and work on myself is only making me stronger inshAllah. That is an incredible positive from all this – strength! Strength in character, mind, spiritually and physically subhanAllah that is a blessing.
    I used to think him seeing me sad and crying and upset would make him feel for me more how hard it is reminding him of everything I have done. It doesn’t he knows what we have done for each other and ultimately wants me to be happy and content and that brings us closer not the tears. He has a part to play and my trouble is knowing when he has crossed the line. I try to overlook most things but when something isn’t right I just have to say the trouble is him doing something about and its not that he doesn’t want to sometimes he just doesn’t know how to fix it and relies on me to find a way to fix what he’s done wrong. In some bizarre way that is also his love for me where others may say I am being walked all over, I know it is strength.
    P.S I didn’t have trouble posting on here – it was just me being a tad nervous on putting myself out there and so I would write endlessly and end up deleting my own messages before submitting. I am so glad I pressed the submit button 🙂 I have always wanted to resolve things on my own beginning to realize I don’t have, I shouldn’t have to to and there is help and comfort to receive from others. Above all my relationship with Allah is the ultimate journey and something I have realized from here as the essence to our happy marriage inshAllah Have a wonderful day inshAllah

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2015

    Fatimah,

    I thought you said it, but I wasn’t 100% sure. Thanks for saying it again. Insha Allah I have to put it in my notes for easy retrieval. You made a good point that out of His Mercy He doesn’t leave some people when they leave Him. Thanks!

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2015

    Fatimah,

    I see what you mean. They actually are living the same as non-Muslim. The only difference is the men call it polygamy. Men have no reason to sneak, lie and hide when allow allows men to have 4 wives. The men fear other than Allah. The wives who contribute to them lying, sneaking, and hiding don’t fear Allah either. A whole lot of people care nothing about Allah. They are Muslim in name only.

  • Fatimah

    October 12, 2015

    Oh that was me. Lol. I said if Allah takes u through it, He will bring u through it! Something like that. Lol. He never leaves us so long as we dont leave HIM and sometimes HE still doesn’t. Ive been reading ur responses to these ladies and its on point MashaAllah.

    Jasmina, I am so sorry to hear ur struggles and what you have been thru. May Allah swt answer ur duas and bring u relief!

  • Fatimah

    October 12, 2015

    Ana, yep ur right about Pakistan not accepting polygamy. I hear the men sneak around w wives like its adultery.
    But yea i meant the west as a culture, the non muslim way of thinking is what i should say. The way some of us make the men feel having to sneak and then some of us treating the otherbwife as if shes a mistress when she has equal rights. She isnt to receive any less or more no matter the amount of years prior the first wife had in regards to rights or maintenance.

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2015

    Jasmina,

    You aren’t alone in having slackened in the worship of Allah. We all have our ups and downs with our Faith. Sometimes I feel way strong in Faith and other times I feel I’m faltering.

    It’s when a woman is in a polygamous marriage that she often times backslide in Faith. We get so caught up with what is happening in our lives, as it is all brand new. It all happens so fast and is crazy confusing. We have so many questions. We begin to feel insecure and not good about ourselves. We think we have to pay more attention to our husbands as we blame ourselves for him becoming polygamous – when it wasn’t our fault. Instead of turning to Allah, we turn towards the husband, which is the WRONG thing to do. It all becomes chaotic.

    Eventually, if we really want to do right by Allah and don’t give up on Him, our lives turn around and things get way better. It will get better for you, sis. You must believe it. You’ve got a good life. You have so much to live for and look forward to in the Hereafter. If you were to off yourself, you are right, it would be all over for you. If you did it, all you’d have to look forward to is a never ending dreadful Fire of Hell. The description in the Quran of the Hell Fire is horrifying. Keep the Faith, my dear sister. Stay strong…

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2015

    Jasmina,

    At least you recognized that your depression began before your husband became polygamous. Nonetheless, you know depression is quite common for women in polygamous marriages. You are definitely not alone with it. It was very thoughtful of you to share with us what you have been going through with it and how you are managing. It is helpful to others to know they are not alone with it.

    You have a lot to live for. You have a good husband who loves you and care for you, making a nice comfy home for you that you feel secure in. We all need to be grateful, which “Laila” mentioned in her post today. I’m with her on it 100%.

    Sis Jasmina, you have to quash those negative thoughts that you have. You mustn’t keep reliving the past. You’ve got to stay AWARE of your thoughts, and not let them drift for a single moment. AS SOON as a thought enters your mind, you can’t let it play out. It’s all over when you begin to entertain negative thoughts. It is when remembering Allah is extremely important. Just keep repeating, “I seek refuge in Allah from Satan the Accursed.” Keep saying it until the thoughts leave, regardless of how long it takes. Initially it may not seem it is working, but in time, you’ll feel much better. You have to persevere and be patient. You can do it.

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2015

    Patience,

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam. I’m sorry to hear of the trouble you had posting. I know how frustrating it could be to lose a post. It’s happened to me from time to time. Yes, sadly, there were occasions that I cried when it happened. How sad is that? LOL At least I can laugh about it now.

    Thank you much for sharing what you’ve experienced and are experiencing with being in a polygamous marriage. You sound strong. You’re doing really good. Keep hanging in there, holding onto the rope of Allah. He will see you through it, as one of the recent commentators said. I can’t remember who said it, but it was heavy. She said something such as, Allah put you in it and He will see you through it. Who out there said it?

    We’re here for you whenever you want to talk.

    It’s good that you realize you and your husband didn’t have any control over when it would happen. Insha Allah, He’ll bless you with children soon. It’s nice that it wasn’t a total shock to you, as you and he had discussed it previously in your marriage.

    I know it is extremely difficult for you. I can tell you for a fact that it will get way easier and you will be happy again as long as you put Allah first in your life and know why He created us – to serve Him. He love His believing servants. It’s amazing the rewards that we receive from Him when He loves us.

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2015

    Scorpio83,

    You said, “I try to put my faith in Allah I do but there are times I just want to sit and cry … Is this so wrong
    How long before it stops hurting”

    I can’t see where it is wrong for you to sit and cry. It’s something that just happens. If you didn’t feel a need to do it, it wouldn’t happen. It has been said that a woman will mourn going from monogamy to polygamy. Of course it is not in the Quran. Is it true or not? I don’t know. It sounds good. Probably all women who find themselves in a polygamous marriage and didn’t want it will be hurt and be in pain. When one hurts and is in pain, she usually cries.

    I always say there are stages that women go through when in a polygamous marriage. It’s usually inevitable they they are hurt, cry, become sad and depressed, are angry, and bitter. They experience a whole range of emotions. Some think they’ve accepted polygamy at some point when in actuality they haven’t. Some women lash out at the co-wives. Some try to punish their husbands. There are some who divorce. There are some who divorce and leave Islam.

    A woman who turns to Allah for help and relief probably won’t instantly get it. Allah says how could someone believe when they were so far away from faith just yesterday? Faith doesn’t enter a person’s heart overnight when they weren’t serving and worshiping Allah before the cause of discomfort occurred.

    How long before the hurt stops? It’s entirely up to Allah. He decides. A Believer knows that Allah promises after hardship there is relief. After hardship there is ease. Allah disposes of a believer’s affairs towards comfort and ease. It is some of what Allah promises the Believer. A person must become a believer first before they get those things. How long the wife endures pain and suffering depends on her and how she worship or doesn’t worship Allah.

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2015

    Scorpio83,

    The other question was how to switch off thoughts of– how it doesn’t matter how much one might be hurting its ok becausehe is happy”?

    The answer is in the last post that I wrote with reference to Satan. It’s how you deal with the thoughts.

    No one has said that it doesn’t matter that you are hurting inside. I’m sure most husbands are affected by the thought and observation that their wives are hurting. There isn’t much he could do other than reassure you of his love and be patient with you. He shouldn’t be made to feel badly that he has done what Allah has allowed and decreed for him.

    You have to analyze yourself and find out why you hurt inside. You should feel good about Allah’s decisions. If you don’t, why don’t you? Your husband is only doing what Allah has allowed. If Allah allows polygamy, polygamy is good. If your husband is polygamous and there is any wrong in it, he will account to Allah for it.

    You asked, is it okay for you to hurt while he is happy? He is responsible for how he is feeling, whether it’s happy, sad or angry etc, the same as you are responsible for how you are feeling, whether it’s depressed, sad, bitter or angry. One need to focus on his or her own feelings. Of course, one should NOT do things to hurt another intentionally. I don’t think most men become polygamous to hurt the wife. There could be some cases where it happens though.

    A woman hurts when in a polygamous marriage because her heart is diseased. A woman has to really sit down and learn her religion – Islam. Allah speaks often of a diseased heart in the Holy Quran. A person’s desires make the him or her unhappy and hurts him or her. You desire not to be a part of polygamy. You desire to have your husband all to yourself. You desire to continue your life with your husband the way it was. Allah decided something different. Now what do you do about it? Do you oppose Allah or do you accept His decision with the fullest conviction? What you do will determine the outcome.

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2015

    Scorpio83,

    You will notice that I try to speak based on my knowledge of Islam. I won’t tell you to things such as stay busy and do the things that you like. It’s what a person would do on a “normal” day. Your days probably are as far from “normal” as can be right about now when in the beginning of a polygamous marriage. Usually one could barely do the “norm” such as get out of bed to begin the day or focus on anything more than being in a polygamous marriage. It’s a struggle just trying to cope a mininute at a time.

    When a wife thinks about what her husband and his other wife are doing, the thoughts are from Satan. There is no way you would know what anyone else is actually doing and how much they are or aren’t enjoying it. Thinking about them and what they are doing amounts to suspicion. Allah says some suspicion is a sin. What a husband and wife are doing shouldn’t concern his other wife. Yes, it’s easier said than done. But, it is none of the wife’s business what the husband does with his other wife. So, what to do? Allah says when a thought from Satan assaults our minds we are to seek refuge in Him from Satan the accursed. Satan is only doing what Allah has allowed Him to do. Satan is on his job. If you don’t seek refuge in Allah, then you will listen to the whispers of Satan and you will be miserable without a doubt.

    How do you seek refuge in Allah? You do it by offering your 5 daily salat prayers; Zikr (remember Allah); repeat the names of His attributes (any of the 99 names of Allah). Read the Quran, especially around Fajr time when it is quiet and most beneficial. Repeat the saying, “I seek refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed”. Say it until the thoughts you’re harboring in your mind leaves. Say it as often as you need to and whenever you need to. If you know how to say it in Arabic say it. It’s one saying I learned in Arabic. If you don’t know it in Arabic, it’s okay. It’s important that you seek Allah’s help in any language that you know.

    As for relatives and others and how they perceive you, IT DOESN’T MATTER. You don’t have control over what others think. You could try to make them understand, but they most likely won’t hear you. They have their own beliefs and you’d only be beating your head against the wall to make them hear you or understand you. When and if they make their little remarks about you not being able to keep your man happy and blah, blah, blah , ignore them. Allah says, ignore ignorance. If you don’t, you will simply wallow in self-pity and feel very badly about yourself.

    We need to learn to do what Allah says. What Allah says in the Quran is the remedy and cure for all our problems and ills.

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2015

    Dear Laila, there you are

    I’ve missed you, dear sister. I have been wondering when you’d be able to get back with us. I assumed you were busy with your studies and family etc, as it was getting a bit involved for when you were last here. I am so happy when our regulars come back after a long absence. It’s similar to when a person hasn’t seen a dear relative in a long time and then she sees the person again. It’s a wonderful feeling. When I saw your name and you had written it brought a smile to my face and made me happy.

    As for me, I’m well. I’m the same as you – a lot of good things are taking place in my life and I am grateful. I think we all probably think things could be better. I think we always want more. Allah says verily His servants are ungrateful. I’m working on being grateful because I know I have a whole lot more than a lot of unfortunate people on the planet, such as the migrants to Europe and people in countries with electricity sporadically throughout the day.

    Allah says in the Holy Quran that if we grateful, He will give us more. It’s very nice you are back. 🙂

  • Jasmina

    October 12, 2015

    Thanks Ana I would have never thought of this being romantic but it is in a way and I am sure I will appreciate the uniqueness of our marriage when I am older and have some interesting stories to tell the kids. I have 15 years worth of content for a nice Mexican series.

    Yes I have suffered depression for 5 years now. I was in denial for a long time but it developed when I first got married and my husband was never around except couple times a week and I would be locked up indoors all the time except for grocery shopping. There was no friends or family as I moved interstate after I got married.. Most times I would cry at least 8 hours straight a day in a robe so neighbours wouldn’t hear me. I didn’t take care of my mental health and it only escalated when I was pregnant and things got worse with the divorce and having no stability or home, it was worst time of my life. Things are much better now but I relive every day of those two years in my mind like as if it happened yesterday… It is a prison with the constant thoughts that take hold many times and do make me suicidal though the fear of Allah is the one thing that has held me back so many times. I have avoided meds and have tried many things except working on my iman which hit rock bottom many years ago. I have the meds sitting there but I feel ashamed to take them when I haven’t yet tried everything…. The one and only thing is my Iman and my Islam. I am working hard on this now as a last resort before I turn to the meds. I have also bought johns wort supplements and maca powder and will try some other vitamins. I’m taking vit d and multivitamins also. Anyhow I feel the same way about meds as you all but things are getting so bad it’s ruining my relationship with my husband and worse I feel I neglect my son when I get into a depressed state I cannot move for hours. Alhamdulillah. I am reading all your posts and I am one person that is benefitting so jazakallah khair for sharing your personal stories and strength. I am starting to teach myself how to be happy again and how to live a normal life with Allah as my only priority. I guess I am an example of what happens when u let go of patience and put devotion towards a man over Allah. I feel so ashamed but I seeks Allahs forgiveness and I just want to get back on track inshaAllah. Alhamdulillah.

  • Laila

    October 12, 2015

    Dear Ana, how have you been? Ive been very busy with my studies and everything else going on in my life. I have always been reading off and on and today I decided to pop back in. A lot of good things are taking place in my life and I am grateful. It could be better but nevertheless I am grateful.

  • Patience

    October 12, 2015

    Salam Alaikum

    I have written in this box multiple times and then pressed the backspace bar and deleted. I have been married 5 years and my husband has recently taken a second wife. We do not have children yet God willing we will. We waited to be in a better position. It’s true there was never going to be a good time for him to do this. I waited for him to support us and now he can Alhamdulillah he choses to take another wife. I have gone back and forth on why didn’t he wait for us to have a family but he doesn’t see it as a factor and that we will have our lives together inshAllah and this will not come in our way. We had talked of polygamy early on in our marriage I understood it very simply as it is part of man’s nature and Almighty has ordained. It has been hard but I am standing by him and focusing on my relationship with him but above all with the Almighty. Easier said than done but this blog is helping me. He has recently informed his family who have been very supportive towards me there is a lot of love for me a lot! I feel blessed. He is a good man and he stands by that he has married again as he has bought someone into Islam. Yes she is a lot younger and exotic but I’m not too bad myself Alhamdulillah.
    I hope and pray she looks after him and will not hurt him. As for my side of the family my parents will never know. My father had wives and I know my mother would not want it for me. I confide in my sisters and now here. Its a hard journey but I am trying to see it in as simple way as I can. I work and have achieved a lot with my husbands support and ultimately from God. I have lost a lot of weight through this process. Its hard very hard…..

  • Scorpio83

    October 12, 2015

    It’s very easy to “accept” the whole 2nd marriage
    But how do u go about switching of your feelings
    My husband has only done the nikkah, he hasn’t bought her home yet as the girls family are not yet ready
    How do u then switch of thoughts like:
    – how much he will be enjoying his second wedding celebrations
    – how relatives and others will then perceive to see u …
    – how it doesn’t matter how much one might be hurting its ok becausehe is happy
    I try to put my faith in Allah I do but there are times I just want to sit and cry … Is this so wrong
    How long before it stops hurting

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2015

    Fatimah,

    It’s weird. I don’t know what has gone wrong with the “acceptance” of polygamy. Most Muslims don’t even know what accepting polygamy means. Some think just because they don’t oppose it by seeking a divorce they accept it. It’s totally not what acceptance mean. There have been a few women here on the blog who for the longest were talking about how they accept polygamy, saying they help the husband with the wedding plans and bought the soon to be wife gifts etc . The next thing we knew the women talking the talk were divorced and were badmouthing Islam and Muslims. Go figure huh

    You have a personal frame of reference in which polygamy works. Your parents had a beautiful polygamous marriage. Of course they had marital problems the same as any married people do. Nonetheless, they worked it.

    It could very well just be the times that we live in, which is why people are having such a difficult time in polygamous marriages or excepting polygamy. I wouldn’t necessarily blame it on the west. Look at countries such as Pakistan. The masses don’t accept polygamy there. There aren’t many countries which permits polygamy and the ones that do have implemented innovations such as getting the first wife’s permission.

    It can’t be the West. Everyone has a naf (lower self) that wants what it desires. Furthermore, Satan is everywhere, messing with people, not just in the West. If anything could be blamed, it’s that people lack belief in Allah and has failed at or refused to worship Him. They are all wrapped up in this material world. They don’t know the meaning of life.

    Allah says: “But after them there followed a posterity who missed prayers and followed after lusts: soon then will they face Destruction” Quran: Surah 19, Ayah 59

  • Fatimah

    October 11, 2015

    Ana, totally agree about shaitan messin w me. My dad always tells me that shaitan knows us very well and knows what buttons to push. He loves to see thr believers jammed up and hopeless. So of course he will do what he does best and do his whispering.

    I agree there is nothing wrong w a lady helping out but i get stuck wjen it comes to being taken advantage of and when a man makes his wife feel she HAS to bc she doesn’t. Its a man’s responsibility to protect and maintain his wife and family. If she wants to help, Allah bless. I a,ways use whatever funds Allah swt gives me towards what will benefit my family, especially my children.

    Yep my mom was and she is helpful Alhamdulillah. One time i was liiivvviid about something and she said be carefule before u start texting bc u really dont know the real deal. She said im not saying dont say anything, im saying becareful of WHAT u say. I stuffed my phone in my pocket and went to the near by Masjid. I was surprised at her bc she’s hot headed like me 6 b que. Lol. Anyway i was young when my umi cowife passed but my memory of her she always helped my mom w my siblings and i. She lived w us, baby sat while my mom went out, or even when she was having children. Whereever we moved, she moved too. Her and my dad never had any children together. She treated us just like any mother would. I can say she loved us like her own and im emotional just thinking about it. Allah bless her omg! The younger generation dont deal w polygamy like our parents did. Today it seems we are more wrapped in the man while our parents functioned as a family. Trust me they had their share of issues bc i saw them amd many ppl i grew up w are from polgamous families. I know one family who have four wives and each have been family for over 25 years but the first over 40. And they are still cowives. I really think we have to shed the western way of thinking and embrace the sunnah. Im just turned off by how some of us behave and it makes me build up walls w locks and keys. You stay in ur corner and ill stay in mine.

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2015

    Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It a very beautiful day today where I am as well. I love the Fall season. It’s my favorite time of the year.

    Mari2, I have not read anywhere in the Quran either that says only men are breadwinners. I have read EVERY WHERE in the Quran that we ALL our supposed to be charitable to: those who ask; to those who don’t ask; to the wayfarer; to those in debt and to those in need. I probably missed listing some. He tells us not to hoard, nor to be niggardly.

    Many Muslims don’t understand that everything we have comes from Allah. The wealth that we have is from Allah. What? Are women just supposed to let their wealth sit in the bank and watch it grow? It’s hoarding. Are they only supposed to spend it beautifying themselves, buying fine jewelry, clothes etc? It goes against what Allah says in the Holy Quran. The stories I’ve read (not in the Quran) about the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is that his wife Khadijrah was wealthy and he worked for her. He wasn’t a wealthy man when he had his nine wives.

    The way some of the Muslim women out there talk, you’d think it was a sin if a wife helped her husband, and help take care of the family. It’s usually a person who is against polygamy who is the first to start spouting off at the mouth about how the man is suppose to take care of her and he can’t afford another wife. No where in the Holy Quran did Allah says polygamy is only for the wealthy. As I said, the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) had several wives and he was not at all a wealthy man.

    Mari2, you called it right. I get what you mean when you stated, “if I look at the situation from another perspective rather than jealousy or irritability I see that “I” am NOT the breadwinner. Allah has given me the opportunity to make a decent salary and be able to care for myself and others.” You know what time it is (meaning you have knowledge).

  • Mari2

    October 11, 2015

    Salam to all on this beautiful day! The weather here is glorious! Finally.

    Ana…thanks for your kudos. Sometimes Allah just crystallizes things in my mind. I know not how it happens, but there are moments of clarity in my life, MASHALLAH.

    Hermione…like you I too am/or think I am the breadwinner. You can find many posts here from me lamenting my breadwinner status, sadly enough. I absolutely understand the frustration. The seeming unfairness of it all. However, if I look at the situation from another perspective rather than jealousy or irritability I see that “I” am NOT the breadwinner. Allah has given me the opportunity to make a decent salary and be able to care for myself and others. And I do not think that anywhere in the Quran is it decreed that only men can be breadwinners. As I understand Islam, a wife’s charity to the home is her choice and her zakat. I do sometimes feel taken advantage of financially by family members of M who want more, more, more. It’s something that you have to decide upon. It helped me when I opened my mouth and said “okay, school fees important for sis and 2. Iphone6 for bro? No way!” I told M that he needed to conduct a wants vs needs workshop with his siblings, 2 and her family.

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2015

    Fatimah,

    I just find it so difficult to come across good cheesecake anywhere anymore. It’s always a hit or miss for me. There never seems to be any consistency with cheesecake. Oh well What is one to do?

    Fatimah, your posts are not too long at all. The same as Alison, I’m enjoying them. I’m leaning from you and your friends. Remember, I’ve been talking here for almost 7 years now. I’m beginning to sound like a broken record. I’m getting all talk out. It’s really cool that you get to hang out with the polygamy bunch. It must be awesome to be among the ladies who are all living in polygamous marriages. It sounds like loads of fun. I don’t know anyone up close and personal who is living polygamy.

    Insha Allah, write whenever and whatever. There aren’t many talkers on the blog, but there are a lot of readers. If we reach just one reader and help make her or his life easier and better with our words, if it pleases Allah, we stand to gain some barakats (blessings).

    I’m so happy that you are here and sharing. I like what your dad said about getting knocked off your square. It’s cute. So your mom was in a polygamous marriage once upon a time, huh? Interesting. You seem to have a good support system besides the blog. How fortunate you are.

    Fatimah, the thinking about something your husband lied about or said and wanting to text him about it, it’s just Satan messing with you, if you ask me. I used to be good at thinking about something and get rambunctious with the text to my husband or an email. It was just Satan instigating.

  • Fatimah

    October 10, 2015

    Ana,
    oh yes, that Salmon is delish!! I do love the cheesecake but after trying all the ones with the goo and gob, I found that just plain ol strawberry cheesecake is the best. One I had almost made me choke. lol. It was so rich. I have very good friends Alhamdulillah and we make it our business to go out and enjoy ourselves. Most of us are in Polygamy, first and second wives and we just put it behind us and have good laughs.
    You said something that has taken me so long to grasp, but its so darn true. YOu said leave the men to do what Allah has allowed them to and leave the rest alone. Leave these dudes to their LORD!! Send them to their ALLAH bc though there is much that we cant charge them with, those times when they are wrong, it doest slip by the attention of ALLAH swt. HE is the all aware. I have a friend and I know ALLAH swt made her reconnect w me to help me. She has been just straigh forward, no holds bar, but it was that that snapped me out of some things. Like listen up sista! She said sometimes its a game and you just gotta stop saying “I know what he is doign and its dumb”. She said no, you gotta play it too. Dont acknowledge it. He comes home really late on your nights, be too busy to notice. He gave her your night bc he felt he could for “an important” reason without asking you, ask is he alive and well, and tell ALLAH on him. It took days upon days for it to sink in but Alhamdulillah it did. Somethign else she said that was very important. She said “comparisons are the thief of joy” and that hit me like a knife. Comparing what he does for her and not you can really keep you under a black cloud. It really does steal your joy and sakina of the heart. I was soooooooo guilty of that. Constantly looking at what he did for her andnot for me. IT STILL slips in but ALLAH has given me the power of knowledge in knowing how to channel it rather than let it knock me off my square as my dad always says. My friend says “Treat your joy like a million dollars” Youd protect it and keep it safe. Protect your joy and keep it safe. As im sitting here, I know my husband wasnt bein honest about something. Usually id get pissed and send texts, but like Ana said, im just leaving it alone bc ALLAH swt will deal with him.

    I think my posts are just getting too long. Time to look on some other posts.

  • Fatimah

    October 10, 2015

    Hermoine, As Salaamu Alaikum
    I know how difficult and hurtful it is for your husband to make this decision. However i have to agree w Ana. Dont discourage, negotiate or fight it. I know women who either themselves fought it off or their family members did for them and resorted the husband to adultery. Im a first so i know very well the devestation and reality of sharing and the 101 other aspects but its a way that Allah swt has honored the over flow of women in need of husbands rather than commit zina. There are men hiding secret lives bc their wives wont let them get married again so they are allowing thrmselves to be dishonored. Im not say8ng ur husband will do that but he may feel less inclined to telling you anything and will ho behind ur back. Would you rather be hurt w lies or the truth? Atleast he had the decency to come to u and not start a secret relationship. I honestly dont think its right for women to make husbands resort to sneaking bc they refuse to allownit. In my opinion its denying a right that he has…. We cant make halal, haram….i say this w pain in my heart ans tears in my eyes but we have to be real bc we are Muslim. Women send their husbands to the streets when they express a desire and shebsays no and gives reasons why he shouldn’t,. And resentment builds up and the marriage begin to deteriorate. Again, i know your pain sister butbi think as Ana said explain your concerns and maybe it will be delayed, Allah knows best. I know hearing that news was a flare up of jealousy and pain. Its real, but again, just talk to him and see what he says. I agree w Ana, u should not have to take care of her and she will marry him knowing he is unable to maintain her so she must have some kind of plan cuz that’d be really interesting for a woman to marry w the expectations that the first wife will provide for her if she is able to help w finances. Your husband must feel sad that he can’t provide for his family. Maybe reminding him of this will hurt your marriage rather than keeping him from getting another wife. I really reallllllllyyyyyyyy understand how u feel and the conflict going on inside. Its tough.

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2015

    @Alison, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m so happy you stopped in. Thank you for all the kind and encouraging words to everyone. It’s so thoughtful of you.

    I will most definitely try to make the very best of this upcoming vacation – FOR SURE. I am sooooo ready for it. Thank you much! My wali said he’ll check the blog for me to approve comments. Let’s see how it goes LOL. I remember one year it didn’t get done. I was livid. I hope I’ve grown in faith to now be able to say Alhumdulliah, if it happens. Anyhow, I think I’ll take my table 4 and check in at least once a day, Insha Allah.

  • Alison

    October 10, 2015

    Asalam aleikum ladies hope all’s well been reading the blog catching up and fatima’s post caught my attention Mashaallah that is so true may Allah make it easy for us and reward us I love the blog for putting us on check and provide reminder of what is really important
    Anna enjoy your holiday you sure deserve it. To the other newbies welcome all and I assure you this blog will be beneficial in coping with polygamy and an forever grateful to be here

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2015

    I have noticed there are women who say they accept polygamy and they are happy in their marriage. At some point things change for them. Their posts begin to sound different. I can sense a hint of bitterness in them. Some of them stay here and continue to post. Some of them become discontented enough to leave this blog and join a blog that is anti-polygamous. I’ve noticed a pattern.

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2015

    @Hermoine, As Salaamu Alaikum, Insha Allah you are still reading here.

    I doubt you would feel good about yourself as a person if you were to tell your husband that you intend to stop working and you need him to start paying the bills. You would only be saying and doing it because he has intentions of marrying another woman. If he had no intention to marry another woman, you probably would continue to do what you’ve been doing. It’s because you’re a kind heart, good woman. It usually women who have some goodness in their hearts to begin with that Allah selected for Islam.

    I would NOT suggest that you hold finances over your husband’s head. Don’t threaten him with withholding money if he marries another woman. He would only hate and despise you for it. What man could love a wife who is holding him hostage with the threat of taking monies away?

    I don’t suggest you negotiate with your husband not to take another wife. If the desire is in His heart for another wife, you throwing money at him as a reason not to is not something he’d relish and I don’t think it’s the kind of person that you are. How would you feel good knowing that he is displeased with you and only staying with you because you would withhold money, if he takes another wife? He would probably abhor you. If he begins to hate you and the other woman has her own money and is willing to spend it on the household and on her husband (him) the same way you do to help him as he is disable, he may divorce you and go with her.

    I’d suggest if you are strong enough, sit down with your husband and discuss with him how he intends to care for the other wife, if he marries her. Let him know that he needs to do it without putting an additional burden on you. I certainly wouldn’t suggest that you take care of his other wife. He must have some idea as to how it could work. You simply need to address it with him.

    I would never suggest a woman plead, beg and negotiate that her husband not marry another. It would only shame her or cause him to dislike her. It’s something no one tells women who are faced with the prospect of their husband becoming polygamous. If Allah has decided that the man will become polygamous, there is no amount of negotiating, threatening, pleading or begging by the wife that can stop it. A wife who does it will only humiliate herself.

    It could very well be that Allah has rewards for you for all the good that you have done over the years. You may find that once he becomes polygamous (if he does) and you try to accept Allah’s decision about it, you may begin to prosper as you never expected. I have known it to happen. Let the situation make you better, not the opposite.

    Don’t dangle a carrot in your husbands face. Try to work with him with regard to the matter. Don’t try to dissuade him from marrying another. You’d only aggravate yourself and stress yourself out.

  • Fatimah

    October 10, 2015

    Ana
    You’re right about the anti depressants. I really have no idea the extent its needed in someone’s life. Allah forgive me. I pray thst Allah swt gives her enough peace to where she may be able to make that decision on her own.
    Shukran for liking my posts!and your encouraging words. Its nice to know there is an outlet where we can go and vent in a respective manner and most importantly be reminded of Allah swt. HE is the most important of ANY and All things in life. Its so true that when we are focused on other thsn Allah then we are not remembering Him.

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2015

    All is good. No problema 🙂

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2015

    Fatimah,

    You made a statement that women shouldn’t take anti-depressants. I used to tell women it on the the earlier version of the blog. I agree with you. I received opposition a little from some. I think there is more harm in anti-depressants than good. When I was working in the Criminal Justice field, we had cases in which some people were on anti-depressants and they had to stay on those meds. If they didn’t, they lost it and committed crimes. Some assaulted their wives or mothers.

    When the one sister here said she now takes anti-depressants, I just left it alone. Some people are suicidal and if they feel meds keep them alive, who am I to tell them not to take them. The last thing I’d want is someone to off themselves because they stopped their meds; although, I know it would be Allah’s decision. I think if the person doesn’t have severe mental health issued, then an anti-depressant would only mask what is really wrong. There is an ayah in the Quran that lets us know anxiety stems from having a wrong belief in Allah.

    It was interesting that you brought it up. I relate to what you said about not taking them, but to each her or his own. More power to the people LOL (people don’t have any power, but I get a kick out of making that statement) LOL

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2015

    @Fatimah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I am sooooo happy for you that are you happy. I hear it in your post that you are. It’s wonderful. Thank you much for sharing what you’ve been feeling. You’re growing spiritually. You should feel very good about yourself. Alhumdulliah!!!

    You’ve only been in polygamy for a very short time. 7 months would make you a newbie. What you described about the tears and the ups and downs all the time, sad in the morning and happy at night is typical. All that you feel sound like what we women go through a lot in the beginning stages of polygamy. You’re way normal LOL In time (it could take years) there will be a lot more consistency. The happy feelings become way more and the feelings of sadness begins becomes way less. It fades. Maybe you’ll find yourself sad or mad only when you have your menses LOL.

    All that you said about Allah is so true and soooo very important. I believe Allah wants good for many of the women whom He places in polygamy. I truly think it is to let us know that we need to turn to him more and away from created things (such as a husband). We need to love Him more. I always say that if we are thinking about our husbands or anything else we are not remembering Allah. We can remember Allah and go about our daily activities.

    The best thing a woman could do is leave her husband alone to do what Allah has allowed him to do. If he is doing anything wrong or not to Allah’s liking, Allah will deal with him. We don’t have to meddle in it. We could talk to our husbands, bring to their attention what we think is wrong etc (mutual consultation) and after it, let them be. They have their tests the same as we do. Allah is strict in punishment, as well. No bearer of burden can bear the burden of another.

    I love the suggestions that you made to women – to go to “Barnes and Nobles” or the “Cheesecake Factory”. I love both of those places. I had dinner at the “Cheesecake Factory” last week. I love having dinner there because the food is always consistently very good. They have this salmon that is a special there. I think it’s called Thai Salmon. It is to die for. The Honey glazed one is excellent. I think it’s the one with the mash potatoes and asparagus. They have three salmon dishes that are off the chart. I don’t care for their cheesecake at all. It has too much goobly gook in it LOL Wives have to find what they enjoy doing and not put it on their husbands to make them happy. We have to find what makes us happy and do it, if it pleases Allah.

    Fathima, I love what you said, as follows: You said Allah brings us through what He puts us through. You got that right, Sis!!!! Your post was awesome.

  • Marie

    October 10, 2015

    Asalaamu alaykum.

    Hermoine. Iv been contemplating your situation. I gather from your comments you was not always the “breadwinner” in your marriage. At some stage your husband must have said he is no longer able to fulfil your right to maintenence. And you as an act of kindness and mercy gave up your right, and went to work. You could have put a hardship on your husband and said its not your problem that he can not work, it is your right to maintenance and he needs to fulfil it. Even now, you could make him aware that you intend to stop working and you need him to prepare to start paying the bills. At the moment he is quite happy to put the responsibility on you. Similarly, it is your husbands right to marry up to four women. Do you think your husband would show the same mercy and kindness to you to give up his right to another wife?. Would he acknowledge that it would be a hardship for you. You could let him know that this is very hard for you. You dont know if you will ever be emotionally ready to deal with it, just like you dont know if he will ever be physically able to provide for you. In short, you can ask him to give up his right to another wife, like you gave up your right to maintenence.

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2015

    To clarify, when I say “Arabic”, I don’t mean the common sayings that we use daily that are phonetic. I’m talking about the actual Arabic language in symbol form.

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All 🙂

    Just a friendly reminder to everyone: Please do not add Arabic to your posts. Not everyone knows Arabic, but everyone who is here knows English. I have to be careful with allowing Arabic written here, if I don’t know Arabic and what is being said. I can only assume. Years ago my Twitter account for polygamy 411 got shut down and one of the reasons was because people were communicating in Arabic. I had no idea what was being said, but it wasn’t copacetic. Thank you!

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back to read everyone as soon as soon as I can. Insha Allah, you’ll all have a wonderful weekend!

  • Fatimah

    October 9, 2015

    Idk where to begin! The posts are so interesting. Ill start w agreeing w Ana about how our feelings change day to day, hour to hour. No promise that peace lasts. I call those moments getting dropped kickedLOLOLOL. But anyway i think one can gather how important Allah swt is in the scheme of things. Someone madeva comment about wives being sleep and having a wake up. That call is from Allah swt to bring us back to HIM. It will only matter and be important if is important to us. Ive been in polygamy for 7 months now and its been very difficult but i will share what has helped me to let go and perhaps it will help u too. Recently we all celebrated Eid ul Adha, commemorating the sacrifice of Nabi Ibrahim a.s son Ismai amd Allah replacing him w a ram. I rarely go to Eid prayer bc i stay home and cook up a storm for the family but this Eid in particular, Allah had me go. I was listening to the story being told a d although ive known the story as a child, I had never heard thid way as an adult. I did not know that Nabi Ibrahim was so attached to his son. This explained an earlier post that went around how it wasnt his son that Nabi Ibrahim was sacrificing, it was his attachment to anything that came between him and . The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried my eyes out asking Allahto forgive me and I felt like maybe Allah has me sacrifice my husband hc he was coming between me and Allah swt. Then I felt happy bc I thought that Allah chose me to love me that much. Ladies, Allah loves us that much. Its something to embrace anf rejoice. Easy?bleep no. Lololol. Allah created us for HIS worship and not the worship of anyone else. IYYAKA NA BUDU WA IYYAKA NASTA EEN (thee do we worship and thy aid do wee seek). There is no one else. The promise of man is a joke. We have to place that tawwakal, that reliance innthe one who gives true lasting love, not mankind who continuosly hurt and disappoints.my husabnd made a ton of promises before he married again. I was hurt to death. Lorrrrrd!!!! He rarelyspends time w me but like Ana said, that’s Allahs decree! He doesn’t really call me or text me and we have been married for many years. Eversince Eid, Alhamdilillah i feel totally different. I still hurt sometimes (alot ) but ive been able to put things in perspective. And that has been a freedom in itself. I started tellling myself all of it is overrated and I just focus on myself and children. The thought occured to me that maybe the second is the wife for him. Idk. I recently found out she’s expecting. Idk what Allah is going to do but i ccan only hope for the best. I cry, I get angry, but i smile and laugh too. Im picking up the pieces that fell apart and even that is Allah’s decree. Im going back to school for my masters and doing things that make me happy. Alhamdilillah. So ladies, Ana consistently brings our attention to where it belongs Allah. Men only do what Allah decrees so we have to take it to the rug. See, men have space for 4 but with us, there should only be space for the one and only. And Allah will see to that. Allah promises tests and trials, life is just HARD. Anyway, just thought id share that tid bit. I talk to myself alot. I call it counceling myself into really getting over things and trying to accept them. We have to adjust our expectations and stop expecting happiness from these husbands. Allah swt says in hadith Qudsi that HE is to us what we expect of HIM. I say this for myself bc again, i cry and i get PISSED. Lololol. But i laugh and smile too snd im grateful for those moments. I wake up depressed and go to bed happy some times. Sister, dont take anti depressants. Verily through the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. Those medications will make your health worse. I decided i wasnt giving anyone control over my happiness. No one owns me or my happiness except Allah swt so others can go fly a kite. Its my husbands loss that he misses out on my awesomeness! !!!
    No really ladies, we arent defined by them.
    Go to Barnes and nobles and readva good book. Get ur hair done and go to the cheesecake factory w ur girl friends. Laugh and thank Allah swt for those moments. Let it go, sacrifice it, slaughter the attachment. Have a good one ladies and may Allah swt gives us sakina and help thru these times. He brings us thru what HE puts us thru!

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2015

    Now, if the happy people want to come here and share what they went through and how they coped to get to where they are today, it’s a different story. Come on in and share.

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2015

    I don’t encourage people to talk about how wonderful their lives are in polygamous marriages only because polygamous marriages are the same as monogamous ones. Everyone has good days and bad days. Some have more good days than bad days and some have more bad days than good. Marriage takes work. It just doesn’t happen. Men and women have to work at it to make it good. Polygamy is a journey. No two days are ever the same for anyone. Just the same as the clouds formation is not the same. A person could feel one way in the morning and a different way in the next couple hours or in the evening. I really believe that women go through stages in polygamous marriages. It’s a progression for those who focus on Allah and not on their husbands.

    Since this is a support group and blog, it would make sense that the people here talk about their struggles and obstacles that are in their way to making progress. We’re all here to help one another feel better about the type of marriage that we are in that is very difficult and trying at time. It could be our test. It could pave our way to Jannah/Paradise. I don’t think that by people coming here to speak about how wonderful their lives in polygamy are when others are trying to cope is beneficial. We all should know that there are people living happily in polygamous marriages without needing them to rub it in others faces.

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2015

    @jasmina,

    It’s all good, Sis 🙂 Things, Insha Allah, will get way better for you in time. It sooo sweet to think that your husband came back and got you after the divorce and you two remarried. It’s romantic…

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2015

    Zee,

    At least you see some relief in sight. Is she going to jail? I don’t expect you to answer that LOL Try not to focus much on what she did that was legally wrong. She may have repented and Allah may have forgiven her. She may be reformed. Of course, it doesn’t mean to fall asleep on her either. For instance, if one knows that one has been know to have sticky fingers (steals) you don’t leave valuables laying around for them to take or you leave the person unattended. You take precautions. You have to investigate.

    I think you’re making good intentions to just hang in there a while until she leaves. Allah knows best what may happen in the future. She may get to her home town and not come back to yours.

  • Zee

    October 8, 2015

    As salaamu alaykum, thank you for your reply sister. That was my biggest concern that once I leave they will get really comfortable. I really don’t want to leave my own home but I don’t want to feel so uncomfortable in it either. I’m still undecided but I am leaning towards waiting until they take their trip to her home state to see what happens. There are somethings that were concealed from my husband and I that has to be handled there. He’s coming back but she has to stay for a while.

  • jasmina

    October 8, 2015

    Thanks Ana, your advice and kind words at this point in time is helping me so much to stay focused on what really matters alhamdulillah, jazakallahkhairun.

    Marie yes we were divorced for a number of years.

  • Marie

    October 8, 2015

    Mari2, you said “be set with Allah, and if he leads you to a place away feom your husband then follow HIS path even if it scares you to release security”

    I sincerely think that some woman are given polygamy to show them what a s@it bag they are married to. To let her know to get up out of there. She just needed her eyes opening.

    Jasmina. Im confused about one aspect of your story. Was you actually divorced from your husband or did he take you back during your iddat period.

    Ummof4, no news is good news as they say. I try not to share how well my marriage is going. Similar to ana, it may come across as gloating. But I will say there are success storys of polygamous marriages and good, obedient to Allah husbands. Im in one, and am married to one. Alhamdulilah.

  • Gail

    October 7, 2015

    Ana,
    Oh your welcome about he vacation and your mom I am sorry but I laughed what a nice problem to have at her age.Thats really awesome!

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2015

    Dear hermoine,

    You’re going to be okay. I say often that I’ve read Islamic material years ago in which it was said that when Allah wants good for one of His servants, He exposes their faults to them. He wants them to see them so that they could turn to Him for help, guidance, protection etc. He wants to purify their hearts so they could have a chance to enter Jannah/Paradise and see Him. You should be so happy at the thought of it.

    You are going through soooo much now. I totally know and understand it. It is not the end of the world. It’s a new beginning for you. It’s just something you must go through to get to where you want to go. You can do this thing. You’re among those who have been through it, are going through it or will go through it. It’s a difficult, painful, agonizing thing, but there must be a whole lot of good in it.

    I would write more, but I’m kinda tied up now. I wrote this quickly. Insha Allah, we’ll talk more {{{hugs}}}

  • hermoine

    October 7, 2015

    dear sis
    thank u for all the replies, i guess it is true that i do feel that he owes me something at least the monogamous marriage as i have been supporting both of us. i didnt take it very well n i did blame him and Allah for all the mishaps and challenges. i felt that my sacrifice and pain were not appreciated at all.
    ure right, anna, i have to stop pat in the back for all the things ive done. since ive became the breadwinner of the family i guess my respect lessen towards my husband. and my ego in life changes tremendously.
    this is a wake up call to me. all of this is just temporary. nothing lasts forever in dunya. what is important the after life. akhirat..
    repent is the only way to seek solace in my life. ive been far way from Him. crying so much and feeling empty is the sign of depression. jealousy is eating me slowly. i do not want to go through this any longer.
    thank you for opening my eye.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2015

    @Mari2, Wow, what you said was awesome. You said a whole lot in a little amount of words. I wish I could do that. You go girl! Well said, Mari2. It needs to be a static post that we read daily. Thank you much for sharing !!!

    You and Marie are on a roll today. Thank you both for the dawah – nice mini kutbahs.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2015

    Jasmina,

    I don’t think Allah ever stops testing us. He will, however, make our lives one of peace and contentment. We must earn it though. We earn it by worshiping and obeying Him, as He instructs us to in the Holy Quran. We must have the correct belief in Him. He rewards us with ease, relief, peace and contentment when we get ourselves right with Him, and not until then.

    It seems you have been analyzing your life and you see things more clearly now. Alhumdulliah. You seem to have good intentions. I think things are going to be good for you, Sis 🙂

    I would love to tell you and everyone where the hubz and I are going to be on vacation. He asked me years ago not to say where or when we go on vacation. I haven’t been good with the when, but I am good with the where, even more so now that there are so many haters out there in cyberspace. I will say that it’s my favorite spot that I just love so much and we go back there often, more than to any other place. Alhumdulliah! Although we don’t get in a habit of only going there. Thank you much for wishing us a good time. Insha Allah, it will happen. It all depends on what Allah has decreed for the hubz and I. 🙂

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2015

    @Jasmina,

    I’m not surprised your co thinks she is more loved by your husband than you. It’s not unusual for co-wives to think that way. Usually it’s the husband who has said stuff to the co to make her think that way. He usually wants to console the co and make her feel better about herself, so he feeds her ego. He diminishes and minimizes the value and worth of the one wife and the love he has for her. It’s wrong to do. It fools the other wife. The other wife usually gets a wake up call and finds out she not all that and a bag of chips, as Marie put it. She usually begins to realize, as Marie said, he never stopped loving the other wife. The other wife means much to him. Otherwise, if not, he would have left her completely. Most men don’t stay in loveless marriages when they have a way out. Divorce is available. So, don’t worry about it. What difference does it make anyhow??? Allah says the best person is the one who is most righteous. Set your goal on being the most righteous, so Allah could love you more. It’s what is most important.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2015

    @Jasmina,

    It’s good to hear things are going much better for you. You sound very happy. 🙂 I’m so glad you stayed with him. I think it was wise of you to have stayed.

    That “control” issue is a huge problem for many. I think we all have an issue with control to some degree or another. Some have a major issue with it. Once we realize and UNDERSTAND that Allah is in control, life is much easier for us. No one can do what they want or what others want them to do without Allah willing it. When a person has got that notion down packed, life takes on a new dimension.

    It seems women become more possessive when in polygamous marriages. It think they become territorial. Polygamy can bring out the worse in a woman, which I think could be good. She gets to see the nasty, so she can get to work on ridding herself of it or subduing it. Allah says we cannot enter Paradise/Janna with an impure heart. We’ve got to get Allah to remove the evil from our hearts.

  • Mari2

    October 7, 2015

    With men and women and polygamy all kinds of feelings and power struggles can occur. You can’t control the tests Allah gives you. You can only control your response. None of us have control over our husband’s choices (good or bad), none of us can control the tests Allah sends our way. However, we can control how we respond. How? Pray to Allah for guidance. Be set with Allah and if he leads you to a place away from your husband, then follow HIS path even if it scares you to release security. Islam is not a male only, male dominated religion. It is a religion of equality. Snatch up that equality Allah gives you as a being HE created. Stake your claim as a bonifide sister and roll with all that is good in Islam!

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2015

    @Scorpio83, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I am always pleased to hear when readers come here and say the blog has been helpful to them. Thank you for letting us know that you have found the blog to be helpful to you. We do have some wonderful, knowledgeable commentators here that are willing and ready to jump in and help one another whenever we can. The more people who input with positive, constructive advice the better.

    I smile when you say you thought your prayers had been answered when you married your husband who you have been married now to for eleven years. I know how it feels. LOL And then BAM, it hit you like a ton of bricks. Marriage isn’t paradise on earth any longer. Even if the marriage wasn’t perfect, compared to a polygamous marriage, it was.Oooh boy…

    Anyhow, I am so glad to hear that you are at a better place, and are gradually coming to terms with him having another wife. I totally believe it is a process. No woman who finds herself in a polygamous marriage that she didn’t ask for is accepting of it. It takes a lot of work and belief in Allah swt. It takes doing the right thing in terms of worshiping and obeying Allah swt. It’s how I see it.

    It’s so beautiful to hear you turned to Allah swt. You did what you needed to do to drawer nearer to Him, and find the relief and comfort that you needed. Alhumdulliah.

    Scorpio83, thank you much for sharing about your journey. I firmly believe that whatever doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2015

    @Zee, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I remember you 🙂 Long time no hear from. It’s nice to have you back.

    Wow, a whole lot has changed since the last time you were here. I remember you having spoken of your hubz, saying he is the type who likes to try to tame the wild things, so to speak LOL

    I can’t believe your co-wife is living with you. I have stated on the blog a number of times that I strongly think wives should have their own separate homes unless there is some emergency situation. Such situation would be in the case of a fire and a wife is burned out of house and home. If a wife would become homeless unless she goes live with the co, it would make sense that they live together. Well, it appears you are in the type of situation that living together calls for.

    He had good reason to bring her there. Now do you have a good reason to stay? If you have some other option that is better and easier for you, you may want to take it. Your mental, physical, and spiritual well being are important. I see no reason why you can’t move out till he can come up with better living conditions for the three of you. You have a right to expect to be at peace and content in your home. Your home is your castle.

    Now, in saying this, you need to consider the consequences for your actions. What if he doesn’t come up with another game plan and the two of them get comfy in the new arrangement. You need to be ready to accept it as a possibility. Where will it leave you?

    He said, if you and she are not having an altercation and problems every day, you have no reason to complain. If he had said you should be patient with the situation, as Allah has placed you in it and it could be a test/trial for you, I could get with the not complaining bit. He, however, didn’t say it.

    Should you stick it out. It’s a question no one can answer, but you. I would say if you are unsure, don’t do anything until you are sure. You will know when you are sure, as you would act without having to overthink it. What you are supposed to do will simply happen. It will be as though you didn’t have any choice in the matter. Allah says exercise patience in all that betides us. Ask Allah for guidance.

    Stress can cause physical illness and changes, which could account for you not having a menstrual cycle. Allah knows best. Maybe you should see your gynecologist to talk about your lack of a menses.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2015

    @Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Insha Allah, please send hermoine the link to the site that you made reference to. It shouldn’t be a problem to post it, if the site is only informational and isn’t a blog type site for discussions and comments. I will view the link and leave it or remove it. Thank you!

  • Marie

    October 7, 2015

    Hermoine, one more thing, you said you were shocked and feel fooled. Often women, when we enter marriages believe that were all that and a bag of chips lol. That now hes found us he wouldn’t want another wife. Most men ate shocked to hear this. I spoke to a lot of men and all have said they would have another wife, even though they are happy with the one they have. Some went further to say men who say they dont are liars. They dont love the woman any less Neither is there anything wrong with her. Its just how it is apparently. I guess the biggest give away, which most including me never contemplated, is the ayah in the quran, which states men can marry up to 4 women. Allah said they can. So thre must be men who want to and will. As ana said, we didnt think it would be our husbands.

  • Marie

    October 7, 2015

    Hermoine.

    I understand your in a lot of pain right now, but now is not the time to think emotionally or to plot ways of why your husband cannot marry another. You must stay focused and do the things Allah procribes in the quran to increase/get back faith. Right now polygamy is not the problem, you self proclaimed lack of faith is. If you dont have faith in Allah, you have nothing, even if you had a monogamous marrige for the rest of your life. Just as a warning I urge you to Not say anything negative about Allah, the religion and Quarn. Some statements that people say in times if distress are blasphemous, and often ingnorence is no excuse. I wont mention examples of those statments here but it is a personal obligation to know what one can and cannot say in regards to our religion. ( there are blasphemous sayings,belifes and actions, one needs to know and stay away from all three)

    I suggest you learn or re learn the basics of our religion: belife,fasting,praying, sins and obligations ect.Remember to have knowledge before doing the action, its a fatal mistake that people often fall into.we all need reminders even when things are running smoothly. I know of a good website, im not sure if I would be allowed to post it, due to blog rules. Maybe I could email it to ana and she to you.

    You said your husband broke your heart, imo, most peoples hearts are already broken, they are filled with the love of this world and the things in it. Tests give us an opportunity to see whats broken and fix it.
    I cant see that your husband has intentionally said or done anything to hurt you. Hes simply put it out their that he may want polygamy. Allah know best whether he will get it or not.
    If your husband intentionally says or does things to hurt you, that is a different matter. Either way it is on him.

    You said your husband cannot afford to marry again. It is true that a man has an obligation to provide for his wife/wives with what Allah has given him. If you want your husband to provide for you, you need to tell him.dont give up your rights and then complain about it, taking them back will not necessarily prevent him from marrying again. If the other woman forgoes her right to provisions then there would be no reason in that respect not to marry her. Basically if a man can not give a woman what she has a right to he should divorce her or not marry her because it is sinful to Not give others their rights. Unelss as I mentioned one gives up their right.

    You are going to feel a lot of things during this process if your husband becomes polygamous or not. Even just hearing those words (I want another wife) can change one forever, insha Allah for the better.

    We are here for you.

  • Jasmina

    October 7, 2015

    Yes indeed life is good. We have sorted out our issues now soo quickly lol so I’m glad I stayed. Anyhow I still need to block my heart for a while so I don’t continue in this pattern. I found another blog that is for women who are controlling and I somehow saw myself fitting in as I think that I get hurt most when I feel I lose control and my husband won’t do as I demand…. It’s not me all well I never used to be, I have become this way now. A heated argument with my co the other day made me realise that she thinks my husband loves her more than me, and for some reason that upset me and made me feel I needed her to know that he loves me too and maybe even more,.. It hurt my ego so much.

    I am reluctantly starting antidepressants today so I will see if it helps a little wih my depression that I have been dealing with. As soon as I can get through a whole week without breaking down I will be making progress. I think u may be right Allah is testing me and I keep asking over and over when will it stop but I am going to channel my negative thinking and energy into something more positive by doing more things that will bring me closer to Allah inshaAllah. It’s something, the one thing, I have not done enough.

    I find it interesting how differently polygamy tests many women. Like myself I never had a problem and was supportive of my husband taking on a another wife and never considered being loved less or anything but Allah tested me with it nonetheless by having to deal with a husband that did not fulfill his duties towards me and a selfish cowife. My biggest struggle now is not so much the present shortfalls from my husband as he now shares time and money relatively fairly though they drive me insane at times like the other day where I almost walked out, but rather struggling to cope with the events from the past. I did not see that coming at all whenever my husband and I discussed it prior. And I see how just the act itself is a test for other women. SubhanAllah. I try not to love people too much as I fear Allah will test me with them. I used to love my husband so much that I would have literally kissed the ground he walked on… Haha Allah set me straight and now no way I see all of my husbands flaws and I would never put him on any kind of pedestal again.

    Anyhow I hope you have a lovely vacation, can I ask where you are going?

  • Scorpio83

    October 7, 2015

    Asalamualaikum fellow sisters
    this blog has been an eye opener for me
    All your comments and advice have really come in handy

    I come from a family background that has many many problems when it comes to relationships
    My prayers where answered when I got married
    Unfortunately after 11 years of marriage my husband decided he was going to marry again.
    The first thought that hit me was not jealousy but more of abandonment
    It is because of interferences from my family that caused problems in our marriage
    I was very hurt when he informed me the nikka was done
    Knowing I only had Allah to turn to …. I spent days crying out to him… Wanting to know y after everything I was still being tested
    I guess in a way I was supposed to find this blog
    I have now gradually comes to terms with him having a 2nd wife
    Again All ur comments have helped me get my faith back ( not that it was gone but it was a moment of weakness)

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2015

    hermoine,

    It seems you think that your husband owes you something because he is handicapped and you are the breadwinner. He owes you nothing. What he and you have is from Allah. So, you could stop patting yourself on the back about the good that you think that you have been doing. If you have been doing all those things, seeking the good pleasure of Allah, He will reward you for them. You should note that Allah tells us not to follow up charity with injury. So, if you are telling your husband all the things that you have done for him and how he owes you, it would only cancel out any reward that you would receive from Allah for having done the deeds.

    You said your husband broke your heart. He has no power to do such a thing. Your belief or should I say lack of belief and you putting your faith and trust in your husband instead of Allah broke your heart.

    Your husband has simply said to you, he has feelings for another woman and, if it is Allah’s will, he may become polygamous. Some men aren’t as gracious about such a thing as your husband was to you. The woman that he has an interest in doesn’t even know of his feelings for her, according to him. Therefore, there does not appear to be any foul play. He hasn’t been having an affair with the woman. He hasn’t gone behind your back with her.

    This blog is loaded with information and comments from people who have lived, are living or will live polygamy. Insha Allah, you should read it. If you have any specific questions, please ask. Insha Allah, I’ll try to answer, even if no one else steps forward to help. I’m here.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2015

    hermoine,

    You said, “im not against polygamy. go ahead do it by all means.” You are not being truthful with yourself. If you had no problem with polygamy, you wouldn’t be here writing to us about it. You wouldn’t have a problem with your husband wanting to marry another woman. Your heart would not be broken by the news. With it said, you have much against polygamy.

    Many women mistakenly believe that the husband or the husband and the wife’s condition must be ideal or perfect before he can engage in polygamy. Where in the Quran does Allah say such a thing? Allah says He tests some of us and He punishes us, as well. Why couldn’t it be that Allah may test your husband with polygamy? Why can’t it be that Allah may punish you with being in a polygamous marriage, due to your lack of belief in Allah (which you said you lost faith in Him)?

    Most women, when they find out that their husbands want to marry other women immediately find excuses for why he shouldn’t. You are not unlike any other woman in that regard. You said you are the main breadwinner. He can’t afford to take care of you. You have been through a lot with him, including 5 miscarriages. Those are your reasons why your husband shouldn’t marry another woman.

    Those are your reasons. The reasons really don’t matter, if Allah has decreed that the husband will be polygamous and that the wife will remain in the marriage.

    Some women fall asleep and get a wake up call when they learn their husbands want to engage in polygamy. They thought, for instance, – no, not my husband. He would never. Some say he would never because he has no money; he’s unattractive and not sought after by the ladies; he loves me too much; he has a disease that will cause him to always be with me; I’m a good catch. I have it all, and the list goes on. They get the shock of their lives when the husbands tell them of their plans or desire to marry and be polygamous.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2015

    hermoine,

    Hello. Welcome!

    I’ll try to help you as best as I can, but I won’t beat around the bush. I will be straightforward with you. I will probably break my reply down to you in a couple of posts.

    You said you have lost faith in your husband and in Allah. First, Allah tells us to put our faith and trust in Him. He never told us to put our faith and trust in a spouse or any human being. Allah is the only One whom we can depend on for anything.

    Why have you lost faith in Allah? It is serious. You have abandoned Allah. It means that Allah will or has already abandoned you. If you don’t have faith in Allah, you don’t have anything. You have already lost everything. There is no hope for you. You need to hope and pray that you can get your faith back.

  • hermoine

    October 7, 2015

    hi, i have to spill whats in my head n heart because i do not know how to express how i feel to anyone. i need someone to talk to. i need guidance if anyone have been through polygamy.
    we have been married for nearly 7 years. we have not been blessed yet with any children but we have been through 5 miscarriage.i have been supporting my husband responsibility in our family as he is handicap. the job he is currently doing couldn’t afford all the bills n house. the problem is recently my husband told me he has feelings towards another person n he seems to care alot of this lady. he notify me this as he said he doesnt wants me to keep out of the loop of how he feels. because one day he might be doing polygamy. he said he wants me to get ready of it. i didnt take this news very well as im totally heart broken n couldnt believe he could do this to me. i feel cheated, betrayed, fooled. im not against polygamy. go ahead do it by all means. but how can u do it when all this while im the breadwinner of the family. how can u support another when u cant even support me. im so devastated and jealousy is eating me softly. this lady that he has feelings to is our friend. but that lady does not know of my husband intention/feelings . he said if its fate it will be.
    why i have to go through all of this. i need support n guidance. i love my husband but all this challenges of miscarriage, less money, i have loss faith in him and also Allah.i dont know what to do. divorce is not the answer. please help. i need someone to share with the experience of polygamy. how does it feel and how to cope with the jealousy. i couldn’t talk to my family or friends about this. they wouldn’t understand. tq..

  • Zee

    October 7, 2015

    As salaamu alaykum, greetings sisters. I’m not sure if you remember my story I’m the one with husband that likes to be a hero, that likes them “rough” around the edges, that married another sister in 4 days. Well, my situation has gotten more interesting, I now have my co-wife living with me. The place she was living in got shut down. My husband is not making any attempts to find her another place. He said if we are not having fitnah everyday then I have no reason to complain. She has made herself quite at home. I feel my space has been completely taken over. I agreed to this for the short term. But there was something that was kept from me before she moved in. She kept the fact that she had legal troubles from our husband at first (who was furious when he found out) then they kept it from me. So, I didn’t have the choice if I wanted that in my home or not. I’m just at a loss right now do I try to stick it out until she takes her trip to handle her legal issues? Or do I go to my mother’s until he has everything worked out? I have noticed since she has been here that I am not having a menstrual cycle, could that be stress?

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2015

    @baseema and Gail,

    Thanks for the well wishes for my vacay. Insha Allah, it will be the best ever. It’s getting hard for him and I to top them. They just keep getting better. I guess we’re simply becoming pros at vacationing.

    @Gail,

    It’s such good news hearing you’re making progress. I am so happy for you all the time when I hear of the improvements. Keep up the good work!

    I finally got around to asking my mom what the outcome was from her surgery like the one you had. She said they only told her that she is lactose intolerant so now she has to avoid dairy products unless they are lactaid or lactose free.

  • Gail

    October 7, 2015

    Ana and Baseema,

    Picnics in the bed on the net is my huge downfall.

    Ana I hope u have a nice time on this vacation.I am kinda jealous u get to vacation so much I feel like I never get to do anything anymore just work and do kiddie things lol but it is all good!
    I have been reading about so many vitamins lately and I am taking so manyyyy vitamins and spices and herbs etc…I am starting to see a difference with things like my brain fog is gone.I still have chest pain but it is not so horrible and my stomach pain is not really bad at all.I just need to get rid of the chest pain that comes from my sphincter being inflamed.I am trying to get it healed through tumeric and baking soda and the vit and minerals so lets see.

  • baseema

    October 6, 2015

    Thank you for the sweet welcome Ana!!

    You must be so excited to have a vacation coming up! Very nice!! And Ummof4, good luck with your surgery, my mother had that too, and can see great without glasses now also. Like Ana, I too have not heard anything bad about that surgery.

    Gail, I don’t know anything about that diet, but I love carbs too. Lately I am trying not to eat after 6pm, unless it’s a fruit. That is my biggest downfall, late night eating.

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2015

    Gail,

    All is good with me. Nothing much to talk about. Insha Allah, the hubz and I’ll be away on vacation in a couple weeks; sooooo looking forward to it. If I don’t write much during that time, everyone will know why. Insha Allah, I’ll try to stop in daily to at least approve comments. It’s a nice time of the year to vacay. 🙂

    I hope the doctor who told you that you will never have to worry about your near sight going bad, as you can’t see far away is correct. It’s my situation. I’m near sighted. I can’t see far away worth a darn, but up close is very good.

    I’ve began drinking the “Iaso tea” and have lost weight. It tastes good, too. The hubz and I are good with eating hot apple pie and ice cream in bed while watching TV, which doesn’t help with weight loss. It goes without saying.

  • Gail

    October 6, 2015

    Spirited,
    I read your post waiting to see what is going on with your life.

    Ana,
    How r u I have been working and reading up on vitamins and trying to figure out how in the heck i am going to start the paleo diet/no carbs. I am a carb aholic.

    Ummof4,
    That is pretty exciting news that u will be able to see without your glasses.I wanted to do Lasik but my eye doc told me if i did then i would loose being able to see close up so I decided not to do it.He also told me that since I can’t see far away and my near sight is so good I will never have to worry about my near sight going bad which i found pretty cool.I hope he is right!

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2015

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I will make duah for you. My mom had the surgery, and did well. I haven’t heard of anyone having had any problems with it.

  • ummof4

    October 5, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Spirited, it’s good to hear from you. Laila and Ina, stop in once in a while to give salaams. When it’s quiet on the blog for a while I take it as a good sign that people are not having major issues with their marriages.

    However, people, we can use the blog for good news about marriages and life as well. I’m scheduled for cataract surgery this Friday October 9. Please make du’ah that all goes well and I will be able to see without glasses after wearing them for 48 years. When my older siblings recovered from cataract surgery they were able to see without glasses after wearing them for over 50-60 years.

    Allah is Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2015

    @baseema, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome to the blog It’s so nice that you are here. I’m very happy to hear you like the blog. It means a lot to me. I’m happy with the commentators who are here. We keep negativity to a minimum. Most of us are trying to live a good, decent life on this planet with hope of entering Jannah/Paradise.

    I totally agree with you that when it comes to being in a polygamous marriage, life is too short for all the ridiculousness – for sure! All the petty senseless stuff is not worth it. I look at all that is happening with people today on this planet – the wars, bombings, migrants, floods, mudslides, hurricanes, tornadoes, senseless shootings, etc and people impoverished, dying and suffering. Then we all have the audacity to complain about a husband not showings enough love. It’s crazy in the realm of things. I get disgusted with myself for feeling not grateful enough to our Creator for my life. I’ve got a good life as do most of us, but we just don’t see it sometimes. Greed, lust and desires take over.

    I think being in a polygamous marriage is a process. It’s the same with monogamous marriages. All parties to any marriage have to adjust and get acclimated to spouses. We’re all different, coming together with spouses trying to unite. It’s not easy. For one, we know it by the remedies that exist in the Quran for marital problems.

    baseema, so you’re a recent convert. Good for you! I’m with you in focusing on learning Islam and growing nearer to Allah. We’ll never, ever learn and know it all while living on this planet and time is of the essence. We’re all in this boat together.

    Again, I’m soooo happy you are here. Alhumdulliah for joining us.

  • baseema

    October 5, 2015

    ASalaama Leikum everyone! I love this blog! Thank you Ana!

    I found that my life changed when I stopped obsessing about: did he call me? Did he send me a message? etc., BLAH BLAH BLAH Life is too short for this ridiculousness. I really think it is true, that saying, let it go and if it comes back, it’s yours, and if it doesn’t, it never was.

    When I think back to all the time I wasted being upset, etc., what a waste. And for what?? Now I am focused on learning Islam. (recent convert)

    My advice, Jasmina, is that Ana is correct, you are heading in the right direction now. Let him chase you; enjoy your life.

    I hope everyone has a great day, and be the best YOU can be.

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2015

    jasmina,

    I just can’t see you going out in the world and struggling when you have a nice comfy life at home. You have a life many women would want. So your husband isn’t there as much as you’d like him to be right now. It doesn’t mean it will be this way tomorrow. Allah is a Doer of what He wills. He could be testing you right now. I doubt you want to be out there in the market searching for a husband, nor want another man raising your children. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

    Life is never the way we imagined it will be, but life is good. We just have to stay focused on what is real. Allah is the only Reality.

    You’re going to be alright. You’re heading in the right direction. You did yourself proud. Alhumdulliah! ♡

  • jasmina

    October 5, 2015

    Thanks for your advice Ana. It clearly put into writing my feelings which all seem very foggy at the moment and I can’t seem to think clearly and reinforces that I made a good decision by not leaving. lol I feel like I am talking to my mom. aah I need to act like a grown up. I’m not quite sure why but it was a sudden change of heart yesterday that I cannot even explain as i have been very depressed and caught up on all my husband does. Suddenly I just decided I was not going to care anymore, I am going to work on my family and those that don’t want to be a part of it will not be forced. i.e. my husband. I just don’t care anymore if he wants to spend time with me or not. I’m shutting my heart for now to avoid getting hurt and disappointed… this is my feeling about it now and i think i am just emotionally burnt out to the point I’ve thrown in the towel… without leaving. I didn’t leave. He has called like crazy today and I’ve had my phone on silent so that I don’t wait on the phone for his calls like before, I just check it when I am free. since i didn’t pick up he rushed from work to check up on me and see if I’m still here and doing ok though he looked very cross… You are right I do need to be patient and just focus more on Allah. The change in mindset though has had a huge impact on my mental health literally overnight.

    Thinking about it, I remember my husband’s sister telling me (during the time he and I were divorced) that he and the other wife were having major problems as he was spending more time with friends. lol. aaahh I think it’s just him… he’s not a family guy. I did manage to see one of his timesheets and saw that he works 10 hours a day plus travel time it does add up.

    I’m going to start reading more Quran and hopefully memorize as well. I just hope I don’t fall back into the emotional state that I have been for the past 3 weeks.

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2015

    @jasmina,

    Sorry I got it twisted. I do that every now and again about doing silly things all the time, I doubt you do them all the time. We all are known to do silly things from time to time. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

    About leaving him, it’s one time I may agree with you that you are doing a silly thing. I don’t know it you’ve left him yet. Nonetheless, I will write my thoughts on what you said. You said, if you leave him, you are hopeful that he will regret it, call you back and never break a promise again. You know there is a possibility that he will divorce you, as well.

    About the promises, he will surely break them again. You probably know that if he divorces you (a second time) that if you and he don’t reconcile before the Idaat period is over, he can’t marry you again until you have married another man who either divorces you or dies. You’re playing with fire, based on a hope and dream.

    You said you love your husband; you love your home; you like the security; and you like that he takes care of you monetarily. It’s a lot of loves and likes. You’re willing to give that up to go to your parents home in which you know that they won’t want you there very long? You’re willing to be a single mom and go to work? Insha Allah, you’ll be given another husband, if he divorces you. Only Allah know what baggage your next husband will come with. I will tell you; there is not a perfect man out there. Others may paint their husbands to be such, but it’s not so. Only Allah is perfect.

    We don’t always get what we want. You know what you are willing to accept and not. You apparently are not willing to accept the amount of time that your husband spends with you. Allah tells us to be patient in all that betides us. Perhaps if you put Allah first and stop focusing so much on your husband, Allah would change the condition. Allah knows best.

    You said your husband makes promises that he can’t keep. Your husband is foolish to make any promise to you or anyone else. Only Allah know what he has written for your husband to do. It’s why in Islam, we are to make intentions – not promises. We intend to do something and if it comes into being it’s because Allah willed it. If it doesn’t come to fruition, Allah didn’t will it to happen. What is going to happen, is Allah’s will. Only what Allah wills will happen. When your husband doesn’t keep his promises, it’s because Allah willed that he doesn’t keep them for whatever reason.

    People have a tendency to say, Insha Allah, and don’t know what they are saying. They think if they say, Insha Allah, what they want will happen. Insha Allah are not magical words. The words mean, if Allah wills what the person wants, it will happen. If Allah doesn’t will it, it won’t happen. We are to accept Allah’s will – whatever it is. We are to accept it even if it is not to our liking – although we are to like everything that Allah wills. It’s the understanding that most Muslims don’t have. They rattle off some words without knowing the meaning.

    Only Allah knows WHY He won’t allow your husband to keep any promises to you and WHY He allows your husband to spend more time with his other wife than with you. You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. Those are my two cents on the matter.

  • jasmina

    October 4, 2015

    haha Ana no there are not 3. What I meant is that he married me first then married a second and then we remarried after being divorced for some time.

    I am not sensible at all but thank you. I do silly things all the time. Like today my husband broke a promise to spend time with me… for the hundredth time. I’m so hurt by it I told him I was leaving and so I am packing my things and leaving tomorrow. I feel that if a husband loves his wife, he would make an effort to spend time with her particularly if he promises to do so. I am hoping he will regret it and call me back and never break a promise again. Anyhow I don’t know if it’s a sensible thing to do, most likely not as he will probably just give me a divorce. I do love my home and I love my husband and I like the security that I get by not worrying about money. I have no money or anywhere to got to other than parents who will not want me to stay there for very long so I don’t know what I will do if he does divorce me other than probably look for a job and do the single mother thing again or remarry someone else and really get over my husband for good.

    I agree with you about first wives not showing compassion. It is a flawed way of thinking but also some women are evil. Like after my husband married a second wife with my approval and support, she made it so hard for him to be near me and so he would ‘visit’ me once or twice a month. I was very young and still in my honeymoon period so I felt extra hurt and hated that a sister in Islam and my co-wife would not consider my feelings. That was a huge reality check for me. I think these sort of feelings come about when a man does not do as he should in polygamy, like leaving one wife hanging. But if he does his best to be fair then it’s the woman’s issues and probably just wants attention.

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2015

    @Sis Spirited, my friend

    Good to read you here Insha Allah, you’ll have a goodnight sleep.

    I sleep really good now a day. The only problem is I dream about just about everyone I’ve known in life. Can’t understand why these people are in my dreams

  • Spirited

    October 3, 2015

    Salaam all,

    Popping in to say hello at the beginning of a new month’s general comments. I hope you’re all doing well!
    Things have changed with me, I’ll fill you guys in later on though, still sorting some stuff out.

    Ok, time to hit the hay, so sleepy, lol.

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to All

    I want to alert everyone that I’ve published a new post/thread, which is: https://www.polygamy411.com/wives-feel-deserving/

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2015

    dk, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    The jealousy from the first wife is to be expected. Be patient with her and let her know that you love her and she has not been replaced by the other wife. The first wife has been through an awful lot. She feels that she has lost much. She doesn’t realize that she has a lot to gain, if she only puts her faith and trust in Allah. As long as she focuses on the marriage and not on Allah, she will continue to be in a tremendous amount of pain. It’s what most wives don’t fully understand.

  • dk

    October 3, 2015

    assalam u alaikum
    well alhamdulillah avery things r going the right way but slowly i feel
    stil alot of jalousi from my first wife but still much better working on whit the hole famile alhamdulillah.children is fine to alhamdulillah
    wassalaam

  • anabellah

    October 2, 2015

    @Bro Musa, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m so glad you and all the wonderful people who make this site are here. Thank you for always stopping in and brightening up our day. Thank you for helping to make the site what it is. 🙂

    Allah U Akbar!

  • Bro Musa

    October 2, 2015

    As salaamulaikuim to the Belivers and Sister Ana . I m so glad to have this website for us to enjoy keep up the good work.

  • anabellah

    October 2, 2015

    People think I worked my @$$ off for someone else to take a free ride off my blood, sweat and tears.

  • anabellah

    October 2, 2015

    @Martin,

    I didn’t publish your comment because polygamy 411 doesn’t allow free advertising for other blogs here. What do yah think this is man?

  • anabellah

    October 2, 2015

    Brother dk Wa Alaikum As Salaam, our brother.

    Thank you for stopping in and giving us a shout out. It’s nice to hear from you. You’re sure have been gone for quite a while. It’s good news to hear all is going strong with you and you families. I pray the wives and children are all well. Insha Allah, stop in and say, hey when you can.

  • dk

    October 2, 2015

    assalaam u alaikum to all bothers and sisters

    how r u
    lo0ng time sins i have been here still going strong inshahallah

  • Marie

    October 1, 2015

    I really enjoyed the video, I watched it the first time you posted it. It made me cry. Yes, very heavy indeed.

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for October 2015. We thank you all for being here with us. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussion. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the September 2015 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/september-2015-discussions/