October 2016 Discussions

polygamy 411 October 2016 discussions

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polygamy 411 October 2016 discussions

polygamy 411 October 2016 discussions

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544 Comments

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2016

    Ren,

    This thread is closed. I moved your post over to the November 2016 Discussions I look forward to talking with you there.

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2016

    This thread is now closed

    polygamy 411 October 2016 Discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All,

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the October 2016 discussions and welcome in November 2016.

    Please join us at: November 2016 discussions

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2016

    The implication wasn’t that she had to settle for being a 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife. I was basically trying to understand what’s wrong that she thinks she has to settle for a man like that who offers her absolutely nothing. There are women who hookup with jack@$$ men and they wonder why they treat them as they do. When do we take responsibility for what we are in? Yes, Allah wrote the script. There is a method to the madness. We get what we deserve. Allah is a Just God.

    Some people are looking for love in all the wrong places. Those are my thoughts about it.

    Furthermore, she I can’t understand why she thinks that just because once upon a time someone put a curse, spell or cast some evil on her that it means she’s damaged goods. There are ayat (verses) in the Quran that we should recite to protect us from all of that.

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2016

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaamu ūüôā

    It’s nice to hear from you, my dear Sister. I’ve missed you.

    As you suggested,

    I apologize to anyone reading the blog who is obese, lacking in beauty or is uneducated, if I offended you. I didn’t mean to disrespect you.

    I just couldn’t understand why a young lady 28 years old would settle for a man who shames her and tries to manipulate her into becoming a wife by saying she’s old and won’t get any other offers; who is said to be physically abusive to his first wife (and was arrested); who will only give her two nights a week; will make her continue to live at her parent’s home with them; and apparently won’t treat her as a wife, but will degrade her to the level of a mistress or less to the level of a ho (whore) because he apparently has no money to maintain her properly, would settle for nothing. What would make her settle for NOTHING? There must be some reason.

    My sincerest apology!

  • ummof4

    October 31, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    I’ve been extremely busy lately, but I’ve been reading a little bit.

    Shanna, I’m sorry to hear that you are a secret wife. ¬†May Allah make it easy for you.

    Ana, about a week ago you made a comment that if a woman weighed almost  300 pounds, was ugly, and not bright, then maybe she should settle for a marriage where her husband would not maintain her and she would be a second or third wife.  That was a little mean.  Big, ugly, not so bright women need respect as well.  All women are entitled to a caring husband, who will treat her the way that Allah said to treat the women.

    So, Sis, you owe an apology to anyone who may be reading this blog who may be overweight, not a beauty queen, and did not graduate from high school.

    Of course, I have nothing but love for all the sisters here. ¬†Good to hear from you Gail. ¬†Everyone take care, don’t stress too much, and remember to constantly make du’ah to Allah by thanking Him, praising Him, and asking Him to improve your condition

  • Jasmina

    October 31, 2016

    Saira

    inshallah their hearts will soften after the baby comes.

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2016

    Okay, on a lighter note, instead of being so serious

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2016

    najwa5, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Sister ūüôā

    Thank you much for remembering us and for stopping in to say hi. It’s good to hear that things are going uphill for you now. Alhumdulliah.

    I’m glad to hear the co has recovered and is back at work. Don’t sweat you and her not being friends yet; if and when it meant to happen, it will naturally, in Allah’s time. Insha Allah, check in when you can, if only to say, hey https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

  • Gail

    October 30, 2016

    Saira,

    I am really sorry to hear u are going through so much sorrow and being pregnant on top.I really think after reading your post that u will have to consider how important loyalty from your husband is.There are different kinds of loyalty and although he is not cheating on you with women he is in my opinion cheating on u with his family by not demanding his family to accept you and the baby and putting his foot down to make sure his child from you is secure financially from his side.You are so correct when u mentioned about properties and people being selfish about those things.It seems you cowife is mixed up in your husbands family pretty deep because even though she is not blood related she has grew up in their family basically so she has been accepted as one of their own which is good but it leaves little wiggle room for u to join the clan when she is acting so whiny around the people.Obviously their emotions will go towards her sense she is the first wife and u being Pakistani and a second wife and being from UK I think might make them think low of you because welllllll u know know Pakistani culture and their not really being to accepting of Polygamy even though it is allowed.

    If I were u and it is important for u on behalf of your child to be accepted by his family then I think logically speaking u will need to stand up and demand to be treated as a member of his family and if they refuse or do a crappy job at it then u will have to eventually make the choice to accept the lousy situation that has been dealt u or divorce and find a better life for yourself.Don’t worry so much about being friends with your cowife if u feel she is a backstabber towards u.My cowife stabbed me in the back more times than I can count but I just forgive her as much as I can and keep going.One thing I do want to say though watch your husband and make sure he is not the reason your inlaws r not really accepting u.Men have this way esp… Pakistani men to play both sides of the fence if u know what I mean.He will tell u one thing while telling his wife and family something else to try to everyone separated to an extent.In my case everyone knew what was going on but me and the entire time my idiot husband was professing to love me which was crap because he was making into a fool by lying to bullsh!ting with me.So many lies.

     

  • Saira

    October 30, 2016

    Sister Gail ?

    You are some women wow around Pakistani people 24/7 lol

    my husband is not my cousin he is not my relative at all 

    he was born in Britain but his mother took all kids in Pakistan and they were raised there back home 

    my husband came in uk in teenage with his granny 

    his parents arrange his marrige with his first cousin and he told me it was like hell to him even think about marrying his first cousin he said she talks like his sister and he see his sister in her lol

    i met his cousin whom they wanted him to marry and she does talk and look alike his real sister

    he start working random shops and factory to establish his career in uk and he was only 18 or 19

    his family yet arrange his marrige forcefully and from friends he found one girl and he ask her to marry him and he marry her

    it was very quick what he done 

    she had hard life she was having hard time when her parents separated and she start dating him 

    they got marrige and family dis owner him and his marrige was canceld vd his cousin 

    he was not serious at all with my co 

    and wanting to leave her and she accepted Islam before she got marrige to him and my mother in law secretly start meeting with her and after few years they moved back with in laws 

    my co was young and the environment she grow up she know nothing about being a women like how to keep house and all 

    she was like you surrounded with all Pakistani anties 24/7 and she ended up being antie 

    she was like sandwich between culture and tradition 

    she didn’t had any clue what was her marrige life as she was being sandwich surrounded in those anties¬†

    and my hubby I should say our hubby never got close to her 

    he always had affair out side and she accepted every thing she was like he is man he can do any thing that’s what she was teached I guess¬†

    They been marrige 14 years 

    my in laws supported her when she got told about me but my in laws agree for my to marry their son 

    so u can’t tell they are friend with her yet I came in marrige with their permission¬†

    what does that tell you? 

    My mother in law teached her how to dress up , cook , clean etc 

    she wears 100% Pakistani tridition all cloths and cook all Asian food 

    but I seen my husbands some of anties houses and they are not very organised them self so I take it she took every thing from them 

    she become like old pakisni antie she was pleasing every one as she never grow up being around people so I take it she was loving it 

    my husband said he was all clear that he will marry someone if she won’t change he made agreement with her and his family and every one support him and said she need to change¬†

    but Allah knows of all family like every one showed me they tried to help that poor women or made her confuse 

    my husband was going out openly with other girls and she knew and she haven’t done any thing to stop him¬†

    but since I am in marrige she been acting weird 

    first she becom my friend and told me how she been in all those years 

    I have heard all sides why she becom like this so I was there helping her and she was doing politics going behind my back and telling in laws things that I been back biting about them and caused huge fights in between us 

    she been real evil to me she played innocent card in front of me and behind my back she stab me 

    we went in family wedding and she made me fool in front of full wedding hall 

    msge told every one she cry 24/7 coz of me but she wants me to be happy and all 

    I was sitting like fool on wedding hall and seeing her in all tears and thinking is she being my friend or enemy 

    for sometime I becom good for in laws and suddenly I was evil one

    as they tried to make me sandwich but I was like no I like all but I need my own time with my husband too 

    so I was taking away their son so I think they didn’t like that¬†

    every other day it was family drama 

    she becom the start and his family start pushing him to divorce me 

    he said he was so in edge and would divorce me to keep every one happy 

    then his family start giving him idea of giving me one night a week but he stood up since them I don’t speak to them and live a bit peace fully¬†

    they still try to chase my husband but I don’t speak to them so they can’t say any more any thing about me¬†

    I live in uk too and my parents are back home 

    my parents were so up set they were against me marrying him but I was blindly in love 

    my husband been to Pakistan to see my parents few time and they all love him 

    he treats me like princess gets every thing for me 

    he love my hair body etc and alway pamper me 

    he didn’t went out be any one haven’t Cheted me¬†

    his ex girlfriend contacted him and he came running to me and told incase I think he is not loyal 

     had hard life very hard life with him in start 

    I quit this marrige many time and shut my door to him but he come crawling and I gave up and we becom love birds again 

    but he has bad habbit he listens to others and when he is angry he blew up and talks so nasty 

    he is very charming when he is not in bad mood but I don’t like all this instability¬†

    he was missing so much from life the way his life being 

    he takes me out and Intrduce with people happily he said he was never able to do with his co the way she is 

    but it’s like show case in my mind¬†

    he went back home month ago and got me 12 nice dress and he had one dress be borrowed from me as he forgot to get for the other one 

    I know it’s not nice but it’s not me who tell him to do like that¬†

    I am humen too I get jelous but I work out my jelousy in my own 

    but I am not happy deep down 

    he see things between us like prince and princess but I can’t be like this all life staying away from family and keeping distance¬†

    and when he get up set he bring every thing in my face that he does so much and I don’t see that and he swers that he love me madly¬†

    I been living alone and been around multicultural people I didn’t came in this marrige to hurt any one or do politics¬†

    when ever my husband angry he tells me how he hates his other one and I am stupid and making him away from my self and if I leave he will find someone else but he won’t stay with one women¬†

    I am very depressed deep down and just want to quit this marrige 

    I am thinking only for my self I can’t imagine to live life hearing all gossip and face all politics¬†

    I just get shocked to see their two face all the time 

    I begin to have strange feeling for every one and I don’t trust any thing they say¬†

    my husband won’t understand what am going tru¬†

    I don’t want my kids to grow up and see all this¬†

    he is planning to buy big house and he said he will have my share and co share half half for our future safety 

    and I know this will make my in laws and co angry too 

    I am just worried for future what life my future kids get and will they see all hate from these people 

    I been praying and deep down planning to settle and bargain my life alone 

    where No one do any politics I mean I could eat dry bread and live but knowing no more bake bite and politics and no one to raise finger towards me will have peace full sleep 

    my father in law told my husband to divorce me and am pregnanct and he should not do any thing with the kid 

    they all worry for money and land etc in his share 

    deep down am more hurt with this low thinking am 7 months pregnant 

    and going every day very strong about this feeling 

    will. C what future holds for me 

    if my husband have stable attitude I would never think like that but his mood change too and goes with what ever people say 

    he fight and argue so much may be for few hours and try to make up so hard with me by treating me nice 

    but I am very sensitive person and he knows I can survive and happily live alone and he gets scared and make up vd me 

    I am just waiting how life will be after having kid then I will c 

    man sorry I must have wrote so much 

     

  • najwa5

    October 30, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum sisters, I’m just stopping in to say hi. I’ve missed a lot so I had to catch up. Welcome to all new uhktis. As far as my polygamy journey, things seem to be going great for now Alhamdulilah! My co moved like 5 mins away from me now lol. I guess it’s better for the husband. We hardly argue lately. ¬†I’m cool with that . My co recovered from her surgery and is back to work. Masha’Allah. We are still not friends but I guess long as everyone is getting their rights all is well.¬†

  • Gail

    October 29, 2016

    Saira,

    ¬†Don’t be offended by anything I say.For some reason when I type it comes out so point blank.I am also like this in person as well and have been this way my entire life so please don’t take personal anything I say on the blog.U want to hear something funny? I have been married for 13 yrs now and I am around only Pakistani people 24/7 for all these yrs I myself feel more Pakistani now than white.I agree with u that Pakistani people have so many different faces and they can change their attitude toward u on a dime there is no doubt.

     Anna is correct though my inlaws and husband have always given me preference over my husbands cousin wife.At first it started out because of greencard and citizenship obviously and then later on in the years I guess because I am such a big mouth screamer up in your face person when I am being done wrong It worked to my advantage somehow.Honestly though I have helped my inlaws so much and stood beside my husband through his insanity.I will say this though had he just been honest upfront and not tried to use me I would have respected him over the moon in stead of trying to play me.

    I should mention in my case my everyone knew what was going even my excowife and her family and all were agree to use me and when I come to find out they assumed I would divorce my husband and believe me I would have in a New York minute had I not had the children hanging in the middle.

      My cowife was 2 faced and was nice to me on my face but cut my back and eventually demanded my husband divorce me or her so my husband divorced her.There was alot drama in the middle but u get the point I think.

        Does your husband have 2 or 3 wives? I know he has u and u were a divorcee when u married him i think i read and your cowife is a revert.Are any of u living in Pakistan at the present time? Also do u think your inlaws treat u badly because u are a divorcee?Also I am curious how your family deals with your husband and his polygamous lifestyle and do they know your inlaws are all the time telling your husband to divorce u? Also are u and your husband cousins by chance or related in some way?Just curious.

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    October 29, 2016

    Saira,

    It’s amazing. All that you said in your last post is all that I’ve learned on the blog for the last several years. You summed it up nicely, brief and to the point. Awesome!

    I’m going to get some sleep now. Inshaallah I’ll talk with you later, Sis ūüôā

    Oh, I forgot to mention that I learned a lot from sister Arzoo, too about the culture.

  • Saira

    October 29, 2016

    Agree with you sister Ana 

    about mari2 

    in pakistani culture they do not think its not okay to interfair in husband wife matters and be honest when it comes to find them partner

    our religion don’t put restriction about marrying with love and in Pakistani culture it’s crime lol

    in old times women not allowed to dye their hair before marriage just so when their proposal comes they don’t hide brides actual hair colour¬†

    they consider cheating and sometime marriages fault just coz of small lie 

    lie is lie even if it’s small or big¬†

    but in Pakistani culture mother in law is the one who can make their marriade life good or bad 

    I seen nearly 10 divorce in my family in 1 year and most of that we’re some marriade non Muslim women and after sometime family made husband to divorce and some cousin culture came and force to divorce¬†

    it’s all lack of understanding about our religion in our society¬†

    I have close family in uk my close cousin and all but it’s been 10 years I cut contact with them all coz I was fed up with gossips¬†

  • anabellah

    October 29, 2016

    Wow, Saira,

    It is very sad about your co. It was nice that you tried to help her out in the past. Who knows how things will turn out sigh. Allah knows best. Maybe one day she’ll come around to embracing you and you two will be closer, if it pleases Allah. Allah says He could make those who are enemies today, friends tomorrow. It sounds that she had a rough life in dealing with your husband.

  • Saira

    October 29, 2016

    Walakykum salam sister Ana 

    i am an honest person too and would agree with Gail what ever she said about Pakistani 

    my husband is raised in Pakistan but he was born in Britain 

    he was forced to marry his cousin from Pakistan then he found a white girl and marry her but it was not for visa or any thing 

    she revert and she had rough back ground 

    my husband was very young and they came back form Pakistan and was not settle in uk properly 

    his family put huge pressure on him but his motjer try hard to make this marriage work for him 

    I feel sorry for my co sometime. she was 19 I guess when he marriade her but my husband  was not loyal to her at all 

    she was busy pleasing his family and never thought to please her husband 

    she is I think 35 but look very aged 

    and my husband always say harsh things to her 

    I seen their relationship closely and felt sorry for her 

    my husband does not attarct to her at all and if I get fat and ugly looking he will do same with me too.

    My husband were cheating on her from first few months of marriage 

    she didn’t not had family to support her mother did not support her much and her father left them long ago when they were too young¬†

    she did not raise like many of us do so when I see her not so much hygiene and all in house work etc I see a small girl in her 

    if I were her seeing my husband constantly cheating on me I would walk out of this marriage 

    but I wounder if my in laws were so close to my co they wouldn’t agree when their son was marrying me¬†

    again it’s tricky about Pakistani people when ever they feel they turn their side¬†

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    October 29, 2016

    Dear Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    If you were offended by what Gail said, I have offended you too, for which I am sorry. I see you as a very beautiful, kind, sweet person and although I want to speak honestly on the blog, at the same time I wouldn’t want to intentionally hurt you. So, please don’t take what I say personally. I’m only speaking based on what I’ve learned on the blog here for almost eight years now, especially since Gail was on the blog and a commentator named Jenny, as well as Mari2.

    It seems you have a lot in common with Gail’s situation. Although Gail is not Muslim and her husband deceived her about his cousin whom he married first. Gail is treated as a favorite wife whom the in-laws live with in the US and they treat her as royalty. Gail believes she was married for them all to have citizenship, but overall they treat her nicely and haven’t asked their son to divorce Gail.

    I understand a bit better now that you said your co is a revert. Does she work and have money? I’m wondering if he married her for citizenship and the resources that she has. It makes sense now how your in-laws treat you, now that I know you and they are Pakistani and you are a divorcee before you married your husband. I know that Pakistani’s not only frown upon divorce, but polygamy, as well. I see too why your husband married you, a Pakistani. They tend to marry their own.

    I pray that Allah is well pleased with you that you want to raise your children with knowledge and understanding of Him. So much that the Pakistani continuously teach and pass down is so contrary to Islam to the point that there is no Islam in it. When we mix truth with falsehood, it’s all false. I’m hard press to find anything that resemble Islam when it comes to Pakistanis. It’s all culture/tradition.

    How beautiful it is when we try to learn and live our religion/Islam and try to move away from Jahilliyah (days of ignorance).

  • Saira

    October 29, 2016

    Aslamu alaykum Gail 

    wow you must have had bad experience with Pakistani man.

    i got affended as am Pakistani too and and am second wife to Pakistani man.

    unforgunaylly many things you are right about it ?

    My husband got one revert first wife 

    and my in laws very close to her 

    they do so much to her and funny thing when I was getting married they were 100% supportive but soon after marriage once my husband break news to all family they suddenly so close to first one and suddenly she was the angle and I get to hear how good she is and all 

    all the things I was told about her from same ppl suddenly got new stories told from them lol 

    they expected every thing from me but in return they didn’t want me to expect equal rights¬†

    soon I gave them news about my pregnancy I see change 

    me and my husband had fight and they pressurise him to divorce me 

    once my husband lived being with first few days in raw and every one kind of expected that he will divorce me and my co went back to same old and he decide to give me chance again ?

    He went against his parents wish and didn’t divorce me but he knows he got full support from them if he divorce me as they will handle all family explaining how bad I was and he will be angle in their eyes once again lol

    so when ever we fight I get to hear he will please his parents by divorcing me 

    I feel hurt from his family deeply 

    that am carrying their grand child and they didn’t bother to know how I am and if they be able to look after me after my delivery¬†

    I heard my father in law told my hubby that he should divorce me and forgot about child as he got kids from first one 

    I have never raised my voice towards my in laws or never insult them like my co and other does 

    one things hurt me most when ever hubby argue he says one thing he don’t get to see his kids and give them time and he can’t give time his other family because of me¬†

    where I see him every other night but they way he thinks and says its like I am no one and he is doing so much for me 

    he was the one who married me he should know that after marrying me he won’t just come for booty call he will have to share his time with me equal night and days¬†

    but his family feed in his mind he is doing so much 

    I do feel ashamed of being Pakistani sometime especially when I read how they behave 

    I can not defend them no matter where they from and what they believe and what education they have 

    they all have some issues 

    my mother suffer all her life from my step in laws 

    my sister does and I been marriade before as well 

    and it was same issue in laws gossips and fights but I knew my current in laws diffrent 

    lol how diffrent they are I seen they shut down completely towards me but am sure back bites are still there 

    but one thing I would say Gail 

    99.9% Pakistani in abroad are no where near to people live in Pakistan

    people who have less money and less modern values are the one would make change but they don’t mix up in abroad people¬†

    before I got marriage I always had in my mind I would never Mary but again I fell in love with Pakistani and marriade 

    inshAllah I will make change I will raise my kids with batter knowledge and batter understanding 

  • Gail

    October 29, 2016

    Shanna,

     I am Gail and I am married to a Pakistani man for the last 13 yrs.I understand totally how u feel and how heart breaking and so much tension u are in esp.. being pregnant and wanting your child to know his birth family.First of all your husband is manipulating you and being really nasty to u in this situation just to save his own A$$.Here is the thing it is not his family that r so much the problem as it is his first wives family.U have to understand Pakistani people play by a whole different set of rules and regulations than European people do.

    ¬† ¬†Here is the thing Shanna if he comes forwards and tells that he is in a polygamous marriage then several things could happen.Number one worst case his Pakistani/cousin wife family could murder him straight up.The least thing that could happen is they blackmail and manipulate him in signing over properties in there name or taking them outside Pakistan(anything to benefit his cousin wife family understand?If it came out there would be tension make no doubt about it.Now that u know this how far are u willing to go to let his family know about the baby.100% u and your baby have rights to be acknowledged and to let them know but I can’t assure u that they will accept u with open arms they might and they might not.One thing is for certain though your husband is trying to play both sides of the fence and it is up to u if u are going to continue to let him to mentally abuse u.If I were u I would flat tell him straight up either tell his parents or u will because u are not going to let your child be treated like an outcast by his own biological family.In other words tell him it is time to Sh!t or get off the pot! Now all this is contingent with how important it is for your inlaws to know about about their grandbaby and if u want them in your life.Hope this helps.Also to be frank it needs to be done because he will have children with his cousin pakistani wife then where does this leave the children.It will have to be addressed sooner or later.One more thing I have to ask does he have British citizenship or on greencard.This is also important as well because if he used u for a greencard then at some point he may want to paper divorce u and bring his pakistani wife to UK.Hopefully this is not the case but one can never be to sure when dealing with Pakistani men unfortunately.We have seen all kinds on the blog.

     

     

  • anabellah

    October 29, 2016

    Gail,

    Hey you! So good to hear from you, my friend.Thanks for checking in. ūüôā All is good with me. No new developments. All is status quo. You know the saying. No news is good news. LOL

  • Gail

    October 29, 2016

    Ana,

     I had some time to check in and see what u ladies have been up to.Hope all is going well with everyone.

  • anabellah

    October 28, 2016

    When I watch some news, it makes me realize how grateful I should be to Allah for everything as we have so much more than many. It broke my heart to watch one video of a woman and children
    It’s so sad that so called “Muslims” have slaughtered and are slaughtering so many people.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2016

    Shanna,

    I reread your post. You ask if you should tell his parents about you. I’d say tell them only if you want to deal with the pressure of them trying to get him to divorce you.¬† If they pressure him to do divorce you, especially if his mother does, you may have to kiss the marriage goodbye whether you want to or not. The men usually obey their mothers. Your best bet is to keep things status quo and not rock the boat.

    I agree with Saira that he probably didn’t tell you that he was going to Pakistan for the wedding because he knew you’d get upset. He knows you want to be a part of the festivities and he knows that he can’t involve you in them. So instead of listening to you complain about it and get upset, he thought he could sneak off and attend the wedding without you ever having to know about it. It was foolish thinking on his part.

    I’m sorry to hear that you married him and moved away from your family, friends and all that was familiar to you. My husband had wanted me to move with him away from all that I know. I was like – no way Jose. It ain’t happening. Some men like to isolate women so they have them all to themselves and the women become dependent on them. It’s a strategy of manipulation https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2016

    Shanna, Wa Alaikum As Salaam. Welcome. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    I’m so glad that our dear Saira welcomed you to our blog family.

    I’m sorry to hear your husband hasn’t lived up to his promise to tell his family about you. I tend to agree with Saira that they may already know and haven’t let¬†you know that they know.

    Even if they don’t know, your husband has very good reasons for not informing them. Did you read the Pakistani thread on this blog? https://www.polygamy411.com/marry-a-pakistani-man-beware/¬† It‚Äôs a lot of reading, but all your answers are there.

    Your husband probably hasn’t kept his word because he knows for a fact that his parents won’t accept you under any condition or circumstance. Hold up Рthey may accept you if you’ve you’ve got a wealth of resources to give them to improve their lives. Then they still won’t accept you. They’ll only accept taking your wealth from you and continue to dislike you. So, don’t be a fool, thinking you could buy love.

    They keep everything in the family, which is why they marry their cousins. They don’t believe in sharing with anyone, but family. They don’t believe in polygamy either.

    I just gave you a brief summary of what they do. It’s a cultural thing. They live their traditions.

    Should you stay with him, you asked? Well, if you love him and can accept that his parents and maybe others of his family won’t know about you, then stay married to him. You’re having his child and that accounts for something.

    Is it that important that his parents won‚Äôt embrace you? I mean, is it important enough for you to divorce him? You‚Äôre married to him, not to his family. I understand that you want to live the ‚Äúnorm‚ÄĚ but you‚Äôre in a polygamous marriage, as well, and it‚Äôs not the norm, so what difference does adding parent-in-laws who dis (dismiss) you to the mix make? I know you‚Äôll feel a bit different about your husband, as you‚Äôd think he would have been upfront and honest with you at the onset.

  • Saira

    October 27, 2016

    Wa alakyum Salam sister shanna

    i know how you must be feeling 

    I was same year ago but my husband when he marriade me he told most of his close family members about me he told his first wife as well but she was not taking serious about him getting married to me 

    as she told me later she seen few times his husband trying to get marriade but it never happend so it was shock for her but she kind of knew it will happend 

    but once she found out she threaten him that she will tell whole family and she went and done that 

    but most of family knew so I was welcome after year I would say 

    I dreamed to be part of eid festival and family gaterings

    me and my husband had fantastic life before he Intrduce me with family 

    once family knew about me when ever me and my husband argue he run to his mum and tell everything 

    my husband love me so much and he tells every one in family how he loves me 

    so most of people actually got jelous with this idea and when ever me and. Co do happend to see each other there was always fight after sometime 

    many many gossips in family gathering 

    family seems to change sides from me to co when ever suited them and whom ever they didn’t get what they wanted¬†

    I would say you pregnant your harmonns all over the place right now lol

    this is not nice to feel when your husband goes away for family gathering u left alone 

    my husband was doing same but this eid my in laws refuse me to celebrate eid with them so I was alone to this eid 

    me and hubby had fight and I was at his mother home and he messed up things between me and in laws 

    it was not so great but still it was something between us since then they cut contact with me 

    but over all it’s not so bad being without them¬†

    trust me once your wee one arrive u and you husband will get busy and one day Allah make it work for u 

    if he is good with you then don’t stress your self now¬†

    try to explain him nicely about family but not in that way to push him 

    he might not told you about his sister wedding just so u don’t get up set and he might knew your reaction¬†

    keep trying to convince him but once your have baby 

    but if his other wife knows I think his family might have idea to but keeping blind eye in that matter 

    focus on Allah and read Quran and ask for help to Allah 

    you don’t need happiness in people and being around people¬†

    I been there and I know what u feeling 

    i am also pregnanct and my family lives in diffrent country 

     

  • Shanna

    October 27, 2016

     

    Salam everyone,

    i really need to talk and get some advices.

    i married an British Pakistani about 3 years ago.

    He is already married to his first cousin and I accepted to be a second wife, it was a love marriage alhamdulilAllah.

    It wasn’t easy to get there. He was scared of the unknown and also scared of his family. What they would think of him marrying another woman and he was also worried to hurt his 1st wife’s feeling who obviously was totally against me.

    A couple of weeks before getting nikkah, he informed me that he wouldn’t tell his parents about me and he wouldn’t tell his wife up until we are officially married. In his opinion it his family would have to accept the situation rather tell them before and give them a chance to refuse. My family and I accepted on the ground that he would introduce me soon after the wedding.

    It has been 3 years now.

    His 1st wife knows. He told her indeed a week or two after the wedding ceremony. Her and i have cordial and respectful interactions. We will never be best friends but I try to maintain a respectful relation. The problem is that he still has not found the courage to tell his family.

    This is a great source of problem between us because I feel completely isolated.

    I am never part of any family gathering, that he and his first wife obviously attend together. He never spends Any Eid with me. He travels back home with his 1st wife on summer break, to weddings etc.

    I also happen to have no family around. I moved with him away from home once we got married.

    He keeps telling me, that his family will not accept me right now and that the right time will come.

    I happen to be 5 months pregnant, I thank Allah for this blessing. We tried and wanted to have this baby.

    I thought, that maybe, with a baby on the way he would be encouraged to talk to his parents about me. But no.

    I had a massive argument with √† months ago and he has been giving me the cold shoulders since. He sleeps in the guest room. Comes very late at night and barely calls me during the day. The reasons? He traveled to Pakistan for the his sister’s wedding and he did not tell me… he mentioned he had a business trip and will be back in a week time. When I found out from a colleague of his, i was devastated.

    I really feel completely isolated and have the impression that he does not consider my feelings. Why would he hide such an information from me?

    When I confronted him he said I did not have to know because it is of no relevance to our marriage…

    I don’t know what to do. Shall i tell his parents. Leave him. Leave this marriage. Raise a child alone.

    I do love him but this situation is causing me so much pain. ūüôĀ

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2016

    Maryam, it’s okay. We live it and we learn it. No one on this planet is born knowing it all. We all know very little. We simply learn it on our way, during our journey in life.

    Good for you that you stopped providing and let him do it as he supposed to do. Whatever you do, do it with Allah in mind and with a desire to reap the benefits from Allah. Allah is the one we should be trying to please. We can do it and still be kind to our husbands and be dutiful in a marriage. When we try to please Allah, He allows us to do good. ūüôā

    Furthermore, it’s good that you don’t trust your husband anymore. Allah tells us that those who trust should put their trust in Him. Allah is the trustworthy. Allah can absolutely be trusted.

    Hang in there with Allah and you’ll be just fine.

  • Maryam

    October 27, 2016

    sister yourso right

     

    Ive been pleasing him too much and he has manulipated me in many ways. I want to learn about islam for me and Allah not because hes on my case or because of him. I want to please Allah swt only as people of this dunya are just temporary i understand he is my gate way to jannah or janahham ive lost so much trust in him. I need to focus on me and my child. I have stopped providing i was none the wiser in the beginning. I was being a “dutiful” wife.

    Jzk for the honesty. X

  • anabellah

    October 26, 2016

    UmmJameela,

    Just because he understood everything that you were going through, listened to you and tried to help you doesn’t mean that he’s the right man for you to marry. It doesn’t mean you owe him anything. Allah placed that man in your life. If anything, you owe your gratitude to Allah for having him help you, if in fact he did help.

    If he will be embarrassed, if you don’t marry him, shame on him. He should have said, “Insha Allah” about marrying you, as it something that possibly would happen in the further. It means it will happen, IF it pleases Allah. For him to be so certain that it was a done deal is his fault. Stop blaming yourself for what he does.

    If you’re not “head over heels” about the guy, then keep it moving. I don’t know you, but I still think you could do better. Just tell the man that you’re not feeling him for marriage and you’re not going to do it. Have you spoken with your parents about it? If so and they don’t want you to marry him, tell him that your parents don’t approve. You don’t owe that man an explanation.

    Satan may be all over him for trying to convince you to do something that is not good for you. That man is all about getting his desires fulfilled at any cost.

    You know the old TV commercials – just say NO to drugs. Just say no to that man and kiss his @$$ goodbye…

  • anabellah

    October 26, 2016

    UmmJameela,

    About the brother, what I said in the post to Maryam applies to your situation as well. I could see if the brother was purely a friend trying to help out a sister-in-faith. If he was acting as a guardian, so to speak, wanting to help you and wants nothing from you in return, I’d view him in a different light. If he was sincerely looking for his reward from Allah and not from you, it would be nice. However, it’s doesn’t appear to be the case, he wants you for a wife, and is offering you very little.

    Again, he’s being selfish. He can’t afford to take care of you the way he should. If he could give you a home and pay for all your needs, then I’d say go ahead and marry him. I suggest strongly that you not marry him and continue to live in your parent’s house. The man wants to use you. He’ll be giving you nothing, other than his body part and semen a couple times a week. If things don’t work out between the two of you or he gets tired of you, there is nothing he’ll need to do other than say, I divorce you and not come around to see you anymore. Then how will that make you feel? You’ll be a second time divorcee, older and out there looking for a husband all over again. It’s very likely to happen.

  • anabellah

    October 26, 2016

    Ummjameela,

    Don’t “feel really stupid”. You’re not. We have all probably felt or feel stupid in sharing a part of our lives. It’s one of the reasons the writers here are so valuable because they become vulnerable. They put themselves out there and share a part of themselves, which may help others. It’s nice that reader read, but they would have nothing to read without the writers. It’s the bottom line.

    Again, I thank all the wonderful writers for being here and sharing. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    October 26, 2016

    Maryam,

    Lastly, you’ve been paying and contributing to your household for years now, but now you’re complaining that you pay and provide, and he uses your savings, as well. Well, if you think he should do it then why have you been doing it all this time? So, now he wants another wife and you suddenly have a problem with what you’ve been doing. It sounds to me that you wouldn’t have a problem continuing to do it, if he wasn’t considering having another wife.

    If you’re so bothered by it, I suggest you stop paying and let him find a way to provide for you the way that he should. Maybe you started it and must continue that way.

    I suggest you not hold it over his head that he is not providing, which is why he shouldn’t have another wife. Get it squared away as to whether you’ll continue to contribute to your household or not.

    If he intends to take another wife, she may forgo receiving maintenance from him and provide for herself or maybe Allah will give him some other means to care for her. Remember, Allah provides… Most people think they need to figure everything out when they can’t. Allah is All-Knowing.

  • anabellah

    October 26, 2016

    Maryam,

    About women being punished if the husband isn’t happy with them. I know for certain that Allah will punish the people who don’t serve and worship Him. It’s not about the husband. Allah created us to worship Him. It’s why we’re on this earth. He doesn’t like when we set up partners to him or make anything His equal. Many women worship their husbands, meaning they put their husbands above Allah. It’s because the women listen to men who want to enslave women and make them subservient to them.

    It’s why learning our religion is so important. We need to learn the Quran to know what we should believe and how we should live.

    Some women are so busy listening to their husbands telling them about Islam instead of learning it themselves. Self-serving men try to control women that way. They feed the women what they want the women to know so that they can control them. The women are at fault for not seeking knowledge of Allah for themselves and to raise their family properly.

  • anabellah

    October 26, 2016

    Maryam,

    How do you know that you will be miserable in a polygamous marriage? Can you tell the future now? If you believe you will be miserable in a polygamous marriage, then you will be. It makes no sense to think that you could think negatively and have a good outcome. Good isn’t produced by something that is bad.

    Being in a polygamous marriage may be a test for you or it could be a curse. It depends on how you approach it, what you believe and what you do. It could help you to enter Paradise if you focus on seeking the good pleasure of Allah and strive for righteousness, and NOT seek to please your husband over Allah. You’re so wrapped up in what your husband is doing that you can’t stay focused.

    Polygamy has been known to bring some women closer to Allah because they learn to focus on Him when in a polygamous marriage. They eventually focus. They don’t fold. They compete for righteousness. They don’t compete for a husband.

    You’re just assuming that your life will be worse, if you end up in a polygamous marriage. If you compete for righteousness, your husband may desire you more, and your marriage may improve.

  • anabellah

    October 26, 2016

    Maryam,

    You said your husband puts you down about your knowledge of Islam. Maybe he wants you to study and learn more. I wouldn’t know, because I don’t know what you know about yourself. He said you’re lazy. Are you?

    He may be trying to find fault in you to suggest that he needs another wife because you’re lacking in certain areas? Ask him why he’s bringing those things to your attention now and ask when he first began to feel that way about you. It sounds to me that he wants another wife and is finding fault in you to convince himself that he needs one or to have an excuse for one.

    You should communicate with your husband. As I stated in a previous post, a woman can speak up and talk to her husband, unless she’s got an abusive one. There is nothing in Islam that says a wife can’t be vocal and speak her mind. She is not his possession. A husband doesn’t OWN a wife and a wife doesn’t OWN a husband. It’s a fallacy that a wife has to be a slave to her husband. It’s wrong teaching.

  • anabellah

    October 26, 2016

    Maryam,

    You can’t trust what your husband has been saying to you about your attitude towards polygamy because he has something to gain from it. You can trust those who give advice who aren’t seeking a benefit from it.

    Of course your husband will say the things that he thinks may get you to agree for him to have another wife. I’m not saying that what he has stated is an untruth. It may very well be valid, but he’s simply the wrong person to deliver the message.

    What he said about jahalliyah (times of ignorance) could be true because you’re thinking in terms of monogamy when polygamy is part of our way of life as well. You’re still holding onto the way that this society says a marriage is supposed to be. You have a dislike for polygamy for yourself and why is it? Answer that to yourself.

    About the patience that your husband said you should have, patience is a good thing. We know Allah speaks of patience and the beauty of it.

  • anabellah

    October 26, 2016

    Maryam, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m going to address your post in a few replies.

    First, try not to be depressed. You’re getting yourself all worked up and upset about something that may not happen. Just because your husband desires another wife doesn’t mean that he will have one. You’ve been crying about something that doesn’t exist. What a waste. Crying about it isn’t helping you. You argue with him about something that isn’t real (polygamy isn’t a part of his life).

    Fear is causing you to focus on him having another wife, which is hurting you because it’s preventing you from remembering Allah. You’re so busy worrying about what may happen tomorrow to the extent that you’re blowing the blessings that you’re receiving today. You’re missing what Allah has given you now. It makes you ungrateful. I’m sure it’s not what you want to be, but unknowingly, you are.

  • Maryam

    October 26, 2016

    Asaalamalykum sisters hope u are all well? I often hear so much about how women are punished if there husband isnt happy with us yet why do i feel to voice my opinion to him will always end up ina arguement? He says i need to swallow the pill of islam meaning polgyamy as this is something which isnt fard so i said to him focus on other things in islam yet he wants a co wife. He can barely maintain me and my child and says be patient but its his job to provide i had been for 2 yrs when i didnt have too.

    He always says i have jahalliyah behaviour yet when i seem to cry he doesnt have any remourse. Im tired of constant arguing about polygamy and feel like saying do it just to get him off my case. But why should i live miserably when i hardly see him, he never spends time with us or pays for his childs things.

    He always puts me down with my knowlegde of islam and says im lazy.

    Walahi i never shouted or sworn at him or raised my voice but he brings the worst in me sometimes and says this is my test from Allah and maybe if i pursued polgyamy i would end up in jannah?

    I feel so depressed guys i just dont see a way out.. im left with no money as he used my savings also

     

  • Jasmina

    October 26, 2016

    UmmJameela 

    its so great you are being honest with yourself. ¬†You clearly know your worth and it seems like he is pressuring you to settle. ¬†It’s better to spend the next couple of years enjoying Your single life whilst looking for Mr right than spending couple of years with a marriage that will be doomed or worse the rest of your life being miserable. This one decision can determine the rest of your life. I was in a situation where I dived right in to marriage and though what’s the worst that could happen, at least I will give it a shot. Well I spent the next 7 years crying and miserable and now just trying to make the most of it Alhamdulillah. I hope you are smart enough to find a man that will value you and truly give you what you deserve.¬†

    If the only thing that is holding you back is your past, well don’t share it. If he asked you have u had sihr on u then you must say yes but realistically who would ask a potential wife that lol. ¬†Maybe just tell him after you are married and don’t go into detail too much, slowly over the years reveal more and more if you must. But it’s just like getting sick, you won’t tell him about every experience you had with the flu.¬†

    I will be back batter low

  • UmmJameela

    October 25, 2016

    Thank you all so much for your kind words and the bitter truth as some would say lol. I have taken it all on board. To be honest with you, I feel really stupid but I feel in order to seek the right advice I HAVE to be honest. Before I did have strong feelings for this brother, simply because he understood everything I went through, after other potentials falling through he seemed to want to take it upon himself to look after me etc I did kind of at that point think I should just settle to be his third. I know if I was to look for marriage properly I wouldn’t have a problem. Like sister ana said if I didn’t tell anyone about my past, the sihr, I wouldn’t have any problems. I don’t know why I feel the need to blurt my whole history and then leave it upon the person to decide wether or not they will want to marry me lol. This brother is adamant in marrying me only because his first wife now knows about me. That’s how I feel anyway. She asks him a billion questions about me all the time, and randomly sends me patronising messages. She had told his parents and everyone else who knows him about me.So I feel like he will be abit embarrassed now if it didn’t happen and almost like now he HAS to marry me. He doesn’t want me to be seeking marriage anywhere else. This did really annoy me because I’m not head over heels with this guy. I know I could do a lot better for myself if I went about it the right way with my trust in Allaah yet it’s him who seems so sure that I know have to marry him. How can I say to him that I’ve changed my mind? Just afew days ago he messaged me to ask what’s wrong with me and why I’m being distant. I had to be honest and say because I DONT want to speak to you, I want time alone to decide what I want to do. His reply was this is the shaytaan making you feel this way. Lol that really cheesed me of to be honest and made me want to keep my distance even more. I need to stop being a idiot and simply say no. He feels like his waited for SOOO long to marry me and I feel guilty in saying sorry I changed my mind. Maybe I need a slap to wake me up and realise this is the rest of my life that I could potentially waste away just became I can’t say no?

  • Jasmina

    October 25, 2016

    Thanks Ana

    I’m glad you liked what I wrote. I feel strongly about it and I hope we can all see this as a blessing even though sometimes the struggles in polygamy seem very difficult.¬†

  • Jasmina

    October 24, 2016

    Ana

    yes and I’ve been there too. Ohh it’s a huge regret, I wish I wasn’t in love when I married except my case wwas¬†different as My husband and i both went to school together part of primary and then¬†ssecondary lol. But still. I hope UmmJameela can resolve this and may Allah guide her towards what is best for her in this world and the akhira inshaAllah.

  • Saira

    October 24, 2016

    Aslamu alaykum

    i agree with Ana and jasmine 

    about ummjameela that she develop feeling for that guy 

    and once it started you don’t see any thing at all.

    before I marry my husband I did exact same thing 

    I didn’t had wali present here and my male cousins were living in diffrent city and I didn’t invole any one but I started telling my wali over the phone about my husband but to be honest I all told them good and lie to approve my husbands proposal lol?

    I love my husband soo much but if I think from my heart and mind now I wound have done that thru wali then it would have been so diffrent in my marriage life 

    and ummajameela of your husband is Pakistani one day when u have hard time with him after marrying him he will shove that in your face that u were despret to marry him and didn’t even bother to invole wali Inbetween¬†

    i was not able to invole my male cousin it was not very possible as he would not understand at all but if I did he would have sat with my husband and fight for my rights way before my marriage 

    I did ask people about my husband and Met  his sister , sister in law few cousins and his mother 

    Alahamdulih my husband supported me so well finacilly and once my parents spoke to him they ask how he will support me and he promise them 

    I have house from government still he proveded me with house 

    but still things were very hard very difficult in start I sacrifice a lot to get my rights 

    my husband took me for granted in start and I was so close to step out of my marriage 

    many many things improve now 

    and my co did horrible things to break my marriage but my husband did nothing in order to stop her as his kids with her his excuse was 

    but now I don’t speak to my husband mother and father as they stop talking to me and I cut all contact with my co because of her bad behaviour¬†

    I am still fighting for my rights in order to have proper day off with my husband 

    I would say 99.% things are resolve but still every day is a challenge 

    I am 28 years old now and was more young when I marriage my husband so I can Tottally get why ummjameela is not so much thinking properly 

    but if my wali was present I would not discuss any thing without involving them

    why I stress you more about time because you will struggle a lot specially you will be his third and once he marry you he will have less time for kids and he will try to do any thing to keep first one happy and kids and he won’t see your rights¬†

    I was getting every other night but still I was seeing my husband every day in dark as mostly he spend day light after work with kids and all

    i do love his kids but I can’t be left like that¬†

    so I have stood up and he changed things 

    and most improtantly he got me house near his house we live 10 min away from each other and he drive and spend time with both families 

    he use to say to me when he is not around and not staying I should live with his parents 

    that was hard for me 

    because when I use to do that my mind was all thinking and looking at clock as he give me less time and worry free have his time away from me 

    but in your. Case you will be living with your parents wow I can’t imagine that¬†

    plz thing hard all sisters here telling u good advice

    no one is forcing you not to marry him but all telling u right thing to do 

    I feel for you, you deserve batter and if u fell for him make Allah close to you and bring your wali Inbetween and leave rest to Allah 

    and must do istkhara  

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I totally share your sentiments, so much that I’ve copied and pasted part of it here:

    “But sometimes the women have too much of a diseased heart that no good man could sort that. They just need to focus on Allah. Polygamy really brings out the best or the worst in a person or both. I find it as a way to check ourselves, are we sincere in our belief or not. Most times we find that we have deficiencies and it‚Äôs truly a blessing that in polygamy we are able to identify it and do something about it before we meet our Lord. This life is short, in the bigger scheme of things, but everything we do in this life will define our eternity.”

    Thank you! ūüôā

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I think what you mentioned is what UmmJameela’s problem is. She’s been communicating with the guy without a wali and has become emotionally invested in him. Although she knows he is no good for her, she’s in love with the guy, so she’s not being reasonable. All reason went out the window once she began having feelings for him. She’s thinking with her heart.

    It’s why a wali is important. A wali could sit with the suitor and find out the important information needed to make an informed decision about whether the man is right for her or not. The wali isn’t going to sit there, look into the guys eyes, lust after him, listen to his sweet talk etc. He’s a man there on a mission to do business. Any wali would tell that man that UmmJameela is involved with to get to steppin and, for instance, say no, UmmJameela, that man is not for you and I don’t agree that you marry him.

  • Jasmina

    October 23, 2016

    Totally agree with Ana there about UmmJameela.

    its really that simple.

    It gets complicated when you get more involved with the guy because emotions come into play and you become blinded. That’s why it’s important to limit pre marital talk so that feelings of love don’t develop. I’m glad she reached out to get advice and I hope she see’s what we see. ¬†Or at the very least irons out these issues before jumping into a situation that will cause her hard later on. ¬†I keep forgetting she is going in as a third wife. ¬†After you have children or even after you fall deeply in love, you want hubby around a lot. Then you best and you want to create a home for your family and want to be ready for your husband to come home and prepare him a meal. You want to share everything. It’s hard and almost impossible I would say as a third wife whom doesn’t have her own marital home and lives with parents.

    Maybe the other sister that posts here who is a fourth wife could give some advice. 

  • Jasmina

    October 23, 2016

    the prayers I understood the same as Ana. I also didn’t know how to pray when I first converted but I prayed all 5 prayers anyway however I could until I learnt it properly and learnt the proper times. I did mess up for years to come around the times and whatnot though. There’s no excuse for prayer but there is of course if you don’t even know you have to pray. ¬†Alhamdulillah for salat.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    My thoughts about UmmJameela’s situation is that she should get rid of him. First, unless she almost 300 lbs, ooogly and not very bright¬† what is the reason to settle for a man who has two wives already and has no place for UmmJameela to LIVE as in a HOME for her to set up for the two of them? It doesn’t sound that he is well off financially to provide for her. She knows, based on her investigation that the 1st wife is adamantly against the husband marrying UmmJameela. At the age of 28 to marry as a¬† third wife who only will get two nights with himhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif Furthermore, he already belittles her by saying she is old and unlikely to get another offer for marriage, not to mentioned his first wife supposedly had him arrested for hitting her. Why go into a marriage being fearful that if she does something he doesn’t like or doesn’t do something he likes he may slap the day light out of her?

    He has absolutely nothing to offer her other than whatever he’s saying that she likes, which is enough to have her consider him. He’s going to push her off onto her parents and come visit her for a booty call two nights a weeks. It’s all I see it as… It makes no sense to mehttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif Why sell herself short like that?

  • Jasmina

    October 23, 2016

    I’m passionate about everyone being treated with justice, fairness and equality specially women in polygamy. I think that if the man treats all wives the same like if they were first and always makes them feel like if they are his only then there are no problems. ¬†If a woman feels superior or inferior I think the man has a role in that. But sometimes the women have too much of a diseased heart that no good man could sort that. They just need to focus on Allah. Polygamy really brings out the best or the worst in a person or both. I find it as a way to check ourselves, are we sincere in our belief or not. Most times we find that we have deficiencies and it’s truly a blessing that in polygamy we are able to identify it and do something about it before we meet our Lord. This life is short, in the bigger scheme of things, but everything we do in this life will define our eternity.¬†

  • Jasmina

    October 23, 2016

    Okay well I’m glad that’s sorted lol. Kindness to each other should be by default. Period.¬†

    UmmJameela has been kind to the other wife by talking to her and considering her feelings. That’s great and may Allah reward her. This is hard for UmmJameela as its apparent she loves the brother but is scared of polygamy and potentially being without companionship, so i wonder has the first wife reached out to her also in kindness? She should do so and should concern herself with her wellbeing and should be happy to pave the way for her new cowife with a smile on her face… By your logic.

     Seriously if someone genuinely is that kind then they should show it, but to do so without sincerity is hypocritical.  But by default yes everyone is to be kind, that goes without saying. Being cordial, extending greetings, meeting with each other is they all want to, etc. 

    i don’t want UmmJameela to be clouded in her decision because of how the first is acting. I want her to consider her potential spouse just like anybody else, look at his religious intent, character, his ability to provide, etc. Thats it

  • Mena

    October 23, 2016

    Ana

    Ok I get it (the old blog issue) im passionate too, its why I was so worried to write here. I dont back down from what I know, although my opinion can be changed….with a lot of effort. As much as I know of you, you seem the same. You’ve come long ways. A few years back my ass wouda bin toast lol.¬†

    In shaa Allah, im going to download ur book. Iv put off reading it as I didnt want to go back there if you know what I mean. I hope my husband is ready for this lol. 

    Over and out from me. 

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    Oh, Mena, about the salat prayers, I think we misunderstood what each was saying.¬† I thought you meant that there are some people who take the shahadah (oath to be Muslim) and find it difficult to commit to praying five times a day. They have a problem with doing it. I didn’t know you meant that they had to learn how to pray (the words and positions).

    When I took the formal shahadah in the masjid, I had already learned how to offer the salat prayer before I got there and had been praying already.

    It’s where I was coming from. Of course, I had to learn how to do it.¬† I wasn’t like Prophet Jesus (PBUH) who didn’t have to learn how to speak, but was talking as a babe in the cradle.

    Ya know what I’m saying, https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    Mena,

    You’re correct about the the situation that was depicted earlier on the older blog in which the wife said that if she had put her foot down the second wouldn’t be in the picture. The husband wouldn’t have married the other. The first wife said that based on the information that she was being fed by her family, her husband’s family and the husband’s ex-wife (from a monogamous marriage that ended in divorce). They accused the first wife of being at fault for having allowed her husband to marry another. The first wife WRONGFULLY repeated it and may have thought there was some truth to it at the time. Still it was false thinking on the wife part and the people who suggested it to her. The wife who married first doesn’t think that way any longer.

    We do have a newbie here. I haven’t gotten a chance to read her posts yet. Sigh. Busy, busy, busy. I’m struggling to keep up here lol.

    Mena, thank you much for welcoming her. Furthermore, I’m sorry if I came across kind of harsh. I’m just so passionate about the subject. We’re all sisters and I would love for us all to get along and be happy ūüôā

  • Mena

    October 23, 2016

    Ana

    I think were somewhat on the same page. I think I want to dish out the kindness for the reward and be a better person, whereas you would rather take the beating (so to speak) for the reward and to be a better person. (By person I mean muslim) 

    We have a new blogger who ia having the issue of a current that wont accept. I guess thia ia where you have to just keep going on ones own path and I guess, not be concerend with whats going on with them. One can only try so much. 

    Welcome nasseb https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif 

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    Mena,

    I apologize for not being clear in my writings. Kindness is expected of us all. Wives regardless of what number they married in should be kind and just to one another. We know that people are all individuals and different. There are some wives whether married 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th who are a nasty piece of work. Some are nasty and then come around and become better people.

    If a wife is acting out and doesn’t want to be bother with another then the one should leave that person alone and not be bothered with her. I wish someone had told me that way back when. We shouldn’t try to force ourselves on anyone. There are first wives who don’t want to be bothered and the second does and there are seconds who don’t want to be bothered, but the first does. Maybe Allah doesn’t want those people to be friends for whatever reason. For instance, maybe one’s an unbeliever.

    About the diseased heart, it’s a separate issue all together. It’s has to do with the individual wife and her expectation. She shouldn’t expect that her husband or another woman shouldn’t marry simple because she’s unable to handle it. Being just and kind isn’t the issue. The issues is to think that a woman and man shouldn’t marry based on how the first wife feels. It’s adding another dimension to polygamy which is basically an innovation. First wives aren’t given a right to veto an intention based on how she feels.

  • Mena

    October 23, 2016

    Ana I agree with your last post. I already said that a current wife should be kind and considerate and accept what is allowed and MOST of the time they do, they do go through the touture, pain etc. A lot of current wives actually try to know the additional wives only be be met with nasty piece of work on the other side. You know this to be the case, these storys have been mentioned on this blog repeatedly over the past 8 or so years. In fact I distinctly remember you saying that if the current wife had put her foot down their would be no additional wife. Of course Allah didnt will her to do so, but I understood what you were saying. You may have changed you view now, I dont know. Wasnt that the woman accepting whata allowed and acknowledging the additional wife has a right to a husband. It sounds as if you saying a current wife has no right to an act of kindness from her sister in faith because she has a diseased heart. 

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    When I say slay our desires in the last post, I mean desires that aren’t good such as the the desire to want a husband all to oneself when the husband wants to marry another and a desire to not want to share etc – selfish desires.

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    Mena,

    We know that a Muslim is supposed to be kind and just with everyone unless someone fights in regard to their faith. I don’t think anyone is saying that someone shouldn’t be kind and cordial.

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    There’s all this talk about the wife who marries second and how she should back off of marriage, if the first wife can’t handle it. There’s all this talk about being the potential second that she should be kind and understanding etc., therefore not marry the man if the first wife can’t handle it. If that’s the case, where is the kindness, caring and consideration that the first wife should have for the woman who wants to get married and polygamy is allowed??? OR only the second wife needs to be kind, considerate and understanding etc?

    Jasmina said it nicely, ” because he is exercising his right to marry again and if that is the case I‚Äôd want that new wife to have a marriage and wedding etc just as if she was a first wife and feel like just the same way that I felt. Why should I make her feel less than by putting guilt on her, that is wrong and unjust for her specially in a young woman‚Äôs case who has dreams of marriage and family. Some women are very self righteous and think the whole world evolves around them.” end of quote

    There are women who married first that know that it’s okay for another woman to marry the man whom she is married to and although she’s hurting BADLY and doesn’t like it or polygamy, she doesn’t put herself before what Allah has allowed. She doesn’t make it about her other than to know that she needs to get closer to Allah so that she will be okay with His decrees. She will accept Allah’s will. She suffers and does her best to strive and get through it. She may do wrong things along the way, but over all she tries to submit to Allah’s will because if the woman marries the man whom she is married to, Allah willed it. She doesn’t try to stand in the way with her desires. Allah tells us to slay ourselves. It means slay our desires. Marrying and man and satisfying that desire is something lawful.

    again, one need to ask why the wife can’t handle her husband marrying another. It’s where the focus should be. She’s the one with the problem. Don’t put another woman on a guilt trip and blame her for the first wife’s problem with her lord/Allah.

    We should be mindful of the ayah in the Quran that lets us know that we shouldn’t make unlawful what Allah has made lawful.

  • Mena

    October 23, 2016

    Marah s

    I just love the way you sum up what im trying to say. You’ve done it before. Thank you.

    Ana

    Yoy have gone from one extreme to another. There is a middle ground, its where were supposed to be. I dont know how a new shahadah can pray straight away when they dont know how to pray, but whatever. 

    You’ve said yourself before that even though a man doesn’t need to even tell his wife that he is marrying another, theres no excuse for him not to. Likewise theres no excuse to not act like a decent human being, and consider another human being. They would want the same treatment in the same situation.¬†

  • Mena

    October 23, 2016

    I ment ummof2 and tasliyman co wives didnt immediately reject polygamy or the women who were to marry their husbands. And I wasnt talking about anything being all rosey and beautiful, of course theirs going to be some kind of issue. As you quite rightly said, no one knows what they would do. I was specifically speaking of BEFORE the second marriage goes ahead its decent to ATLEAST meet the current wife. Of course I couldn’t say DEFINITELY, but I know what kind of person I am and I sure as heck cant see me marrying a man without meeting his wife and considering her situation. Especially since men (as jasmina pointed out) cannot understand how it feels and usally dont make an effort to , but another female has a good idea.¬†

    Thats just my opinion. I like to get these thoughts out as you ladies help me to see a side I hadn’t thought of.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    It’s interesting that people speak out of both sides of their mouth. One minute they say and understand that Allah selected our mates for us and the next they say a woman shouldn’t have married the married man or say the husband shouldn’t have become polygamous because the wife couldn’t handle it. Which is it?

    Even if the marriage hadn’t taken place yet, there are people who add their own rules, opinions and desires to it. One minute someone says they accept polygamy and in another breath they say that if a woman can’t handle polygamy another woman shouldn’t make the wife unhappy therefore should refuse to marry the man. It’ s a personal opinion that has no basis in Islam.

    Allah didn’t say a prerequisite for marriage is that the other wife must be able to handle it. Again, if the wife can’t handle something that Allah allow, keep the blame and fault where it belongs – on the wife who can’t handle what Allah has allowed. That wife has a diseased heart. The problem is with that wife.

    Mena,

    You said, “, I do think it would be cruel to know a person cant handle something and go ahead and do it anyway. Its like expecting a new muslim to start praying 5 times a day as soon as they take shahadah. Iv actully known women to turn down a husband on this basis and ended up marrying a single man, and are still happily married.”

    Polygamy is not “Cruel” and it’s not “Cruel” for a woman to marry a married man despite the problem the first wife may have. Again, it’s not a requirement that a first wife must be able to handle polygamy. Probably 99% of women can’t handle polygamy in the beginning. Based on what you have said and what you think should be the rule, polygamy wouldn’t be in existence.

    You used salat as an example. I was one to offer the five daily prayers immediately after taking the Shahadah. I agree that there are some who don’t or can’t for whatever reason. It doesn’t excuse the person from doing it.

    I don’t think you quite understand. It’s not about the wife who married first and her precious feelings. A man do not have to wait until his wife is okay with polygamy and a woman doesn’t have to wait for his other wife to be able to handle polygamy before the two of them marry. It’s ludicrous to think that.

    The persons who you said declined a polygamous marriage and went and got a single guy. Who knows??? Maybe she didn’t really like the guy anyhow. Maybe she realized she didn’t want to be a second wife. Bottom line is Allah didn’t write for that woman or those women to marry the persons whom they were considering.

  • Marah S

    October 23, 2016

    I find that it’s a hard line to tread. On one end we should care about the well being of our sisters in Islam whether they are our co-wives or strangers we have no ties to. On the other end sometimes we just need to look out for ourselves and let others deal with their own issues. Its hard to say which is best, to care or not to care. I think both sides are correct. There’s nothing wrong with a woman caring about the feelings and well being of a co-wife or potential co-wife and not wanting to cause her pain and discomfort. The woman has no obligation to back out of a marriage proposal because it would be a burden on the existing wife but the way I see it, we can never go wrong with kindness, Allah will always reward kindness towards another Muslim. So if a woman chooses to show kindness to her sister in this way than hopefully allah will reward her with something better than what she gave up. But there is also nothing wrong with a woman marrying a man despite it being a burden on the existing wives. She is not doing anything haram by choosing to do this. It may sound harsh or cold but the only obligation the new wife has regarding the existing wives is to be respectful of them, not to do anything to purposefully harm them or cause jealousy.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    Mena,

    First, no offense to Umm of2, but she is married; she has children by her husband and she,her co-wife/wives and the husband all live together. It’s easy for Umm of2 to sit there and say that if her co wasn’t able to deal with polygamy, she wouldn’t have married the man. We know that the co did have problems with her Umm of2, even if Umm of2 wants to come back and say that the problems only began or became evident after the marriage.

    Umm of2 let us know that the co did some under handed things to her and her son. There was tension between them. So things were NOT all rosy and beautiful with them being one big happy family. With that said, based on the position that Umm of2 takes, one could ask why Umm of2 didn’t leave the marriage so that the co could be in peace and the co wouldn’t have to resort to such antic? Why didn’t Umm of and the children leave so she and the children wouldn’t be subjected to such ill treatment?

    It’s easy to say what one would have done. Anyone could say what they would do in a certain situation. It’s a “woulda, coulda, shoulda, which means absolutely nothing. No one knows what the heck they would do. It’s impossible to know because we’re not Allah. Allah determines what happens. Allah determines everything.

  • Mena

    October 23, 2016

    Jasmina and Ana

    I understand your position. I dont think any one should kiss the ass of another. Yes, ana you are correct and I whole heartedly agree that the first should TRY to be accepting of a new wife. And in most cases they are, Ummo4, ummof2, tasliman, myself, none of us completely rejected the idea. Im not saying that if a current wife is unhappy about the situation the new wife should back up. Im saying everyone should care about each other (amoungst muslims). If current wife tell the new one to eat shit and die then id understand. But, sadly in most cases the new wife doesnt even want to meet to current wife (which I think is coward) even if it were to just say she knows she not going to be happy but it is allowed and we must all try to accept. Instead of completly ignoring the fact she is a human with feelings and basically saying, its allowed so eat shit and die.

    I know we are not responsible for another persons iman but we should at least consider that some are weak, I do think it would be cruel to know a person cant handle something and go ahead and do it anyway. Its like expecting a new muslim to start praying 5 times a day as soon as they take shahadah. ¬†Iv actully known women to turn down a husband on this basis and ended up marrying a single man, and are still happily married. I think Allah gave them something better than what they gave up, for the act of kindness they’ve shown. Whereas those who were not kind are STILL trying to keep a marriage together.¬†

    Maybe it was just the way jasmina comment came across to me.   

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I think you’re right in how you described polygamous men and sex. I think many come to realize that the sex isn’t worth all else he goes though with polygamy. It’s a huge responsibility for him. After a while, he has gotten so much sex that he probably welcomes a break from it.

  • Jasmina

    October 23, 2016

    i know that once married things are different but before marriage you really need to sus a man out. I wouldn’t want to marry a man who only wants sex, so I’d tell him this and if that doesn’t scare him then I’m sure that wouldn’t be his reason. Though in UmmJameelas case I highly doubt it’s for the sex but who knows. All of us women in polygamy here know that the fantasy of sex wears out very quickly for our husbands lol. With work and running around caring for multiple households, he is tired and the sex alone probably isn’t worth all the trouble. ¬†Her potential guy already has two wives and knows this, i’d say he has fallen for UmmJameela and his manipulation is his human and manly nature talking, not his religious self. ¬†After all a man can love may women. I just don’t like that he proposes to not house her properly and is malingering her feel like he is her last and only choice because of her age and what happened to her. its interesting before my husband and I married, he wouldn’t let me talk to men and he would regularly put me down and critise and lecture me (I know why did I marry him lol, too young) anyhow after marriage one day he told me he thinks I’m better than him and I’m perfect and the reason he didn’t like me talking to guys was because he was scared of losing me to another man. I was in shock. Men will do and say anything sometimes. That’s why it’s best to communicate through a wali.

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    Jasmina,

    You broke it down in detail with real experiences. NICE!

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    saira,
    Sorry I spelled Maryam wrong in the other post. The phone spelled it that way for me when I spoke it.

  • Jasmina

    October 23, 2016

    Mena

    thanks for the question and yes it’s pretty much what Ana stated. ¬†The way I see it is the fact that problems between the husband and his other wives are of no concern to the new wife. UmmaJ said that she was advising the first wife and trying to work with her to sort out her issues to have it all backfire. Why should she have to discuss this with the first wife, it’s the husbands responsibility to talk to the wife and offer his love and give a shoulder for her to cry on. If the man who is her husband and father of her kids can’t give two hoots about her feelings, how can he put that responsibility on someone else whom doesn’t even know the woman. ¬†As a first wife who has a co wife constantly trying to break up my marriage, I can sit here and cry and blame her for all the nasty $hit I’ve been through in my life and call her a home wrecker and plead to her to just leave my husband, or as I do I just blame my husband for going about polygamy in the wrong way. It’s as simple as that. Women hate on each other when really it’s the man who didn’t care one cent about anyone’s feelings, and if he did things in a way that is not halal then why should we blame the ¬†woman all the time. ¬†It’s the man who is at fault here.

    If the man did everything halal and honestly then really he isn’t to blame also because he is exercising his right to marry again and if that is the case I’d want that new wife to have a marriage and wedding etc just as if she was a first wife and feel like just the same way that I felt. Why should I make her feel less than by putting guilt on her, that is wrong and unjust for her specially in a young woman’s case who has dreams of marriage and family. Some women are very self righteous and think the whole world evolves around them. ¬†like in that other bloggers case who has a husband who cheated, that is different, that woman should be told how much damage she has done and aught to feel guilty. But in the case of a sister who is doing halal then no, why should she feel guilty for marrying a man who is available for marriage and have to kiss the first wives butts. If those women would cause problems for her marriage and potentially end in divorce then it’s best she not enter into that marriage for her own sake just to save herself the heartache but if she is certain that her husband won’t just up and leave her and the man is good then why should she lose sleep because the first wife doesn’t agree. Be cordial and treat the sister as your sister in Islam but to be made to feel guilty and even leave the marriage because the other wife doesn’t like it, no way.¬†

    I may sound very harsh but I’ve been used, abused, tricked, lied to, and my after many years of putting others first I now like to look at everything but I take care of myself foremost and I advice other women to not forego their rights. ¬†After my husband married the second wife I tried to be her friend and I even forewent my time so she could get used to the idea and she was nice to my face but conspired behind my back until my husband gave me no rights and eventually abandoned me completely. Alhamdulillah he realised he couldn’t live without me and realised I didn’t cause the issues the other wife made him believe I did and we reconciled. ¬†No woman who loves her husband this day and age in the west will ever be fully happy with polygamy. Okay I’m rambling on now but I hope that makes sense. I’m speaking from my personal experience, and with this experience, I say each marriage should be treated individually as if it were the first and it’s up to the husband to care for his hurting wife, not there other wives.

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    UmmJameela,

    I’m with Saira that you shouldn’t marry the man and tell him that you’re not going to give him any sex. That defeats part of the purpose of marriage. I don’t agree with the angels cursing a woman or anything like that, but it is your obligation to give your husband sex. It makes no sense to marry the man and then not have sex with him.

    @Saira,

    I will be back later, Insha Allah, to finish reading your post and catch up on the others that I missed.

    I think Miriam is a beautiful name for your daughter.

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    A wife who marries first needs to ask herself why she has so many issues with polygamy, a thing that Allah allows. One could ask why she isn’t welcoming the woman who’s going to marry her husband? No one asks that question. They only ask why the other woman isn’t groveling to the first wife.

    There should be equality among the wives. It seems that some expect a newcomer, a wife to be, to bend over backwards to accommodate a wife who married first. Wives are equal. The best wife is the one who is the most righteous.

    If it is expected that a potential wife has to be soooo concerned about what the first wife is going through, it amounts to needing a first wife’s consent. The first wife is going through what she goes through for a reason. It’s what the first wife needs to look at, the reason or those reasons.Why is she having such a difficult time?

  • Saira

    October 23, 2016

    Aslamu alaykum to all sisters 

    sister Ana JazakAllah for appreciating me 

    I have decided to name my daughter Maryam once she born inshAllah 

    been not too well but trying to stay active so I don’t get fat¬†

    I am already planning to hire special instructer soon after birth to get back in shape 

    I was size 10 and now almost size 12 am getting so worried and can’t w8 to loose w8¬†

    but my midwife stopped me from doing any diet as she think my w8 is not so healthy 

    Marsh S 

    glad to hear you having girl too hope you keeping well.

    sister. Ummajameela

    you are still young and as you mention before your previous husband did spell on you and there for men around your area wouldn’t approach you¬†

    I think it’s your mind made you think and being alone when this man approach you and like the way he brain wash you with Quran and sunnah you feel like he is the last man in world and you will be all alone if you won’t marry him¬†

    if he can’t provide you with house and secure you finacully what made you think of marrying him¬†

    its silly to say you won’t have sex with him after marriage until you settle down again if you say this he will say to you women will curse from the Angel all night if her husband ¬†call her to bed and if she refuse I know this as my husband when I am not talking to him often say this to make me laugh lol

    you don’t just need home u need to be clear with him like how will he spend time with you as many other house hold thing you won’t be relying on your parents after marrying him¬†

    I think In his mind he will spend two days with you and leave all responsibilities to your parents 

    trust me soon after marrying him u will regret as you will feel despretlly alone and single 

    it Allah made this man in your Qadar it will happend and you will marry him but still I would say open your eyes and think hard about future 

    from your post its seems preety sure u starting to adore this man and probably end up marrying him 

    that’s why in your mind you think he need escape from his first wife and she is bad¬†

    she could be bad but what about second one?

    did you not ask him about that 

    ask him be honest with you as you said he proposed to you when he got marriage second time and again he did 

    he might be in love with you and want to marry you in any cost 

    but do not show him how u feel for him he clearly taking disadvantage for your soft conrer 

    i take it u will marry him so I would say if you made your mind deep down about marrying him then do not discuss with him about his other wife’s he is not honest with you¬†

    and if you in to all this now what about when he spend 5 days away from you what will you do that time ?

    why can’t he get you house somewhere near to him where after marrying you he still see you few hours every day and give you two nights in week¬†

    apparently every third week of month he would give you 3 nights he would be spending 2 ,2nights with one wife and 3 with one in a week time 

    calculate your time make rota and show him and ask him to agree on it 

    and make rota when u will have day off with him shopping day etc and when will u be beele to go for holidays etc not meaning have to go away in fancy place but to spend time togather 

    these things u need to think and ask for your self 

    best of luck 

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    I have to go back and re- read the comments later, but I think maybe Jasmina was coming from the perspective that most wives who married first are not receptive to polygamy. If a potential wife tries to wait for a first wife to get on board about her husband marrying another, she may never marry the man. The husband is the one who is permitted by Allah to be polygamous. He should consult with his wife and let her know what he intends to do because it will affect her life. BUT he does not need her to give him the go-ahead to do it, nor does he have to wait for her to be ready. She may never be ready. If he wants to marry the woman, it will be between him and the woman to get it done. Of course it would be nice if the newcomer and first wife could be cordial if not friends with one another. But again it’s the man who’s who’s got the privilege.

    A a wife who marries first most likely it’s going to have a lot of issues in dealing with polygamy, as we’ve seen and know. But, a potential wife isn’t responsible for a wife who married first emam. The first wife’s faith will determine how she deals with polygamy. Therefore it’s for her to work on that with the support of her husband.

  • Umm of2

    October 23, 2016

    Jasmina I was going to say something similar. That sounds really cold to not consider the current wife’s feelings or emotional status. To say it doesn’t matter or is not her concern or that shouldn’t be a reason for hesitation ¬†is ice cold, North Pole cold. I think if my co wife said she could not handle it or it will kill her my marriage to hubby I could not have went through with it. Her acceptance was a huge factor in my decision making¬†

  • Mena

    October 23, 2016

    Jasmina

    If you dont mind me asking why is it you have the opinion that a current wifes welfare is none of an additional wife concern. What I mean is, im sure you dont hold that opinion in other case, such as that of an orphan. Im sure you wouldn’t say, well, I didnt give birth that the child, and I didnt kill their parents so that child is not my problem or you wouldn’t say to a woman who is finding it hard to accept polygamy that you didnt marry her husband and you are not her husband ¬†(obviously) so why should you be concern with how she feels, surly that is for her and her husband to sort out. I just find it strange that polygamy is one of the only times that women have the opinion that another persons welfare is none of their business. I directed the queatiom at you because you have said this on a few occasions.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2016

    Spirit,

    There you are, my dear Sister. :-)I was just thinking about you the last few days. I miss you so much and was thinking of emailing you.

    I just shut down the computer to relax with a movie. I’m on my phone. Insha Allah, I’ll be back to read you.

  • Spirited

    October 22, 2016

    Salaam to everyone!

    How have you all been? ¬†I’ve seen ummof4 and of course Ana are still actively dispersing golden nuggets of wisdom & advice.¬†https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif¬† I hope everyone else I don’t know are doing well. ¬†

    I don’t have anything specific to to add to the general conversation, I’m still chugging away at a new degree & hope to continue to do well, Insha’Allah. ¬†I may also have some happy news soon, but We have to still finalize things, so I’ll mention that at a later date.¬†

    Puts cool to see the original Pakistani male warning post & the follow-up post are still hot topics! ¬†It’s a wonderful and necessary wake-up for women to read those and protect themselves. ¬†Thank you to all who continue to warn unsuspecting women away! ¬†https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

    Im super tired so I’ll say goodnight. ¬†Take care ladies¬†https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

  • Jasmina

    October 22, 2016

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  • Jasmina

    October 22, 2016

    Ummajameela

    for some reason I thought you were a lot older lol… 28 is verrryy young. Considering we now live in an era where life expectancy is no longer like 50 or 40 years old then yess you are a baby. ¬†I have learnt one thing about marriage, the little things that a man shows about his character early on are huge indicators of his real self. He uses Quran and sunnah to manipulate you into agreeing and also he is putting you down to get what he wants. That is a huge flaw in a man. you want a man that will lift your self esteem. He seems manipulative. That’s so bad. He really should have proposed and just let you decide without influencing you one way or another because this is a huge decision for you. ¬†Would you be okay with your daughter if she accepted a man that:

    1. Is most likely interested in sex only (as per what you said)

    2. Put her down by making her feel old, unwanted and like no other man would want her. 

    3. Wasn’t prepared to provide a home for her and took her to hotels couple times a week. What about when there’s¬†i

    4. Is manipulative

    you want a man that will say you are so special and any man would do anything to have you and I don’t want to lose you that I’m prepared to do whatever it takes. You are young and have no children, you truly can find a man that will value you. Sorry sister but this man seems like a bad catch even if he was single. I can tell you one thing in marriage if you live a man that doesn’t reciprocate that love then you will be miserable, it is better to have a man you like but whom loves and adores you.

  • UmmJameela

    October 22, 2016

     

    Hopefully I won’t be disappearing anytime soon lol ūüôā I will have a read of the other thread Jazak Allaahu Khair ūüôā UmmOf2, I agree with what you have said and it’s so good to hear it plain and simple from somebody else. For me anyway! The only thing I don’t agree with is his first wife and her attitude. Simply because when she came to realise he was considering me for marriage, i didn’t know her. She kept calling me and wanted to know what I was like. Little did I know she was very unhappy about the whole idea but approached me with a front of being happy. She herself said she would rather he married me then her have a co wife like number 2. Also he warned that we shouldn’t be speaking because she would try to cloud my judgment of him. In the beginning she was really nice I didn’t want to know about their marriage but she wanted to inform me and I would have to stop her from telling me, simply because I didn’t need to know. She told me everything was perfect before he had got married again, and became he doesn’t disclose any details about his marriage with number 2 she can’t take it and keeps asking and snooping around for info etc, on the days he is with her they end up arguing. I don’t really see that as too much of a problem on his side. I think it’s good that he is keeping both marriages separate. I can understand she feels hurt etc, but all the hurt she is feeling is pretty much self inflicted. You know your husband has another wife, why would you want to know all the glory details? Surely there is no benefit in knowing…. I guess the reason why I’m even posting about it on here is because I am unsure… jasmina you are very right. I feel a little pressurised into it all and I have the red flags waving at me. He is saying he wants to speak to my father about having the niqaah at least by next month, And deep down I’m thinking I don’t even know if this is what I want? I said to him that I am in two minds about it. I don’t know if I can deal with polygamy and the stress it comes with. He said this was from shaytaan. Maaan I’m so put off marriage all together the guy seems to have an answer for everything and refers back to the Quran & sunnah but like sister anabellah said, not everyone is what they seem. I don’t think I will truly know unless I marry him. To him it probably is just about the sex but to me it’s the love and companionship I never got in life. I’m 28 years old and need to get a move on. And sadly this is what he uses to tell me, that im not getting any younger and realistically I’m better of having him as a husband for 2nights then no husband at all.¬†https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Jasmina

    October 22, 2016

    Ummjameela

    Oh and also I may add that when you are certain about someone then you don’t have doubts. Usually doubts are pretty much your intuition telling you there are red flags. ¬†Trust me if there were no red flags you wouldn’t be asking us yay or nay. It seems like you are trying to convince yourself to marry him more than anything else. Like I said you have nothing to lose, maybe even tell him no sex after marriage until you two are settled in the marriage and you have your own home, I know it’s hard but if that’s his intention then he will show himself out the door very quickly trust me. You can’t ask a man his true intentions, you will never get it out of them, but there are other ways.

  • Jasmina

    October 22, 2016

    UmmJameela

    If you can iron out the issue on living arrangement and finances then I think you will be good. I see that as the only issue on your hands as the other wife issues is not your concern.  

    Had he formally proposed marriage to you? What do your parents think of you living at home after marrying him? 

    I think you mentioned that you were married previously so if that’s the case then you are not a naive woman and you understand the complexity of marriage. ¬†If you really think this man will give you a happy life and will raise your children right then why not marry him. However be cautious and be prepared to turn away if he doesn’t live up to your standards later on, you have nothing to lose now, except only time. ¬†Try not to get pregnant until you are stable in the marriage and try not to fall madly in love either. By time wasted i mean in the time you are deciding to marry him or not you could be looking for someone else with less baggage. ¬†So I guess I’m saying is think hard but decide quickly and put your trust in Allah with whichever decision you choose. You could spend years thinking about it and finally decide to marry him and at the last minute it could fall through because it wasn’t your Naseeb and then what a waste of time idealising about marriage with this man that wasn’t even meant to be. Or if you two are meant for eachother then why spend time apart.¬†

     

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2016

    Umm of2,

    You made an excellent point. If UmmJameela marries him, he may very well get tired of her too or need an escape and therefore marry someone else. After all, he could have four wives. When a man takes another, it’s only then that the wife knows what it feels like whether she’s 1st, 2nd, or 3rd.

  • Umm of2

    October 22, 2016

    UmmJameela welcome

    Im in a rush so I’m just going to get to the point ¬†I hope you have thick skin lol

    one second you’re saying he’s a patient man then the next he’s using you as an excuse a scapegoat to get away from his wife. A patient man doesn’t run he deals with his problems head on and conquers. He can’t even afford a home for you. That two days a week housing arrangement sounds like a hotel. Don’t settle to be his “mistress”. He already has two wives that are hanging on by a thread why get yourself into the unnecessary drama. As for the first wife it’s not surprising she turned on you who wouldn’t. She probably considered you as a medium or even a friend when you were advising her, you knew the ins of her marriage and she trusted you and what do you do with that trust, consider marrying her husband. That’s a huge curveball. Put yourself in her shoes for a second so you can better understand her betrayal because it started with your very own betrayal. He probably did physically hit her. Domestic violence is real. Take it seriously¬†

    be careful. You lose them the same way you get them. He just might get tired of u one day and marry your friend

    as salaamu alaikum all

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2016

    UmmJameela,

    About how you and he will live if you marry him, he should provide you with a home to live in that is yours. You should not live with your parents at all. When you have a husband, you are his responsibility. Your parents will no longer be responsible for you.

    You said he will have a house for you to live with him for two nights. What? Will he borrow someone’s house or take you to his parent’s house or something?

    It sounds that he only wants you for sex.¬† I see many reasons that you shouldn’t marry the man. What will you get from him other than sex?

    You said that he is a righteous man. How do you know this? You’re not even married to him. Is it simply because he goes to the masjid or something? There are hypocrites who go to the masjid to pray and be seen by man. It (going to the masjid) isn’t something to judge a person on.

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2016

    UmmJameela,

    I’m happy to hear that the advice you received from all the lovely ladies here was helpful. Thank you for remaining with us and letting us know. All too often people come and receive advice and then are gone like the wind without giving any feedback. I’m glad you weren’t one of them.

    I answered part of your question on a new post/thread that I just wrote specifically based on what you’ve said: Polygamy and Why Men Badmouth Their Wives

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  • UmmJameela

    October 22, 2016

    Jazak Allaahu Khair to all you beautiful sisters, your advice has like always, been amazing! The reason why I’m worried about marrying this brother is because to me it feels like he is just wanting to marry me so he has somewhere to escape from wife1. She is really unstable at the moment to the point where she had him arrested and pressed charges against him, her allegation was that he hits her infront of the children. Now for me I found that hard to believe because he comes across as someone who fears Allaah. He prays his salaah on time, always gives advice according to Islam and just generally is a patient man. But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t hit her… I know we all fall short so only Allaah knows if it is true. He also told me that his wife has been arguing every single day prior to these accusations being made to the police. Arguing about the co wife, and also me. She says that she wants a divorce but is still there. When she spoke to me I advised her to be patient and not cause unnecessary drama, for her to concentrate on her own marriage instead of pushing him away by abusing her co wife. She agreed for a while and then it switched to me, I was a home wrecker who was waiting on her husband to marry me. And I was “desperate” to settle for a 2 day marriage. Lol so I don’t speak to her at all anymore. Now and then I receive a message from her saying “Hurry up and marry him so I can get my divorce” I have no idea why me marrying him has anything todo with her getting a divorce but yeah…Also the housing issue, he said he will get a house where we both will stay the 2 nights he is with me, and the remainder of the week I am to live back at my parents. Do you sisters think that this might be a escape route from headache for him? And I am wrong in thinking he should resolve matters with the first wife and then think about taking another wife? That’s what I’m confused about. I think he may well be bored of her now and has kids, so he feels as though he has to stay with her for the sake of his children. I am thinking about calling her soon to ask her what the problem is…. is it the fact that his going to take another wife or is it because it’s me? Im not sure but I really do want to know simply because I think she can create a whole load of drama later.¬†

  • Jasmina

    October 22, 2016

    Allahu Akbar indeed.

    you are very right I’ll try not to overthink it.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Just be yourself. Go with the flow. Don’t overthink it. Just live it. I suppose it is a bit shocking and weird when a breakthrough seems to suddenly occur. It’s all good. Seize the moment. God is great!

  • Jasmina

    October 22, 2016

    So my husband has been very nice and I just am not used to it and don’t know how to respond lol that I feel awkward. U know that awkward not knowing what to say shy and stiff movement kind of awkward lol. I said some thing to him that I think finally hit home for him. Omg a breakthrough Alhamdulillah. ¬†I’m worried now that he may think I’m boring. I’m just only used to use arguing or discussing important things quickly. I’m not used to his attention and I feel now like I need to keep him interested.

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2016

    Wow, Sis Marah S,

    I love, love, love your post, toohttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif You did that!!! You said it soooo beautifully. I love how you detailed it all. You did that nicely, brief and to the point. Alhumdulliah! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    I, too, love this blog and all the lovely ladies here. I’m so thankful to Allah that He gave this¬† blog to us. I pray that he is well pleased with us. What a blessing for us to be able to remember Him here.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • Marah S

    October 21, 2016

    Anabellah,

    I love your post to Saira so much. The women around the various prophets and the women mentioned in the Quran were strong and they stood up for what they believed. They were not women who let people control them and their actions. They never lost hope or submitted to those who were trying to harm them when things got hard. Asiyah went against her very powerful husband and professed her belief in Allah despite knowing the horrible things he would do to her. Maryam birthed a child while her entire community knew her as a chaste and pious virgin and she stood strong in the face of the evil people who accused her of so much evil while she was innocent. Hajar accepted for her husband to leave her and her newborn child alone in the desert with no resources and no one to rely on except Allah, even though the odds of survival were obviously stacked against her she didn’t let fear of what could go wrong get in the way of her obedience to Allah. Muslim women should spend more time reading the Quran and learning from the words of Allah rather than listening to scholars who push a certain agenda. Yes we should be respectful, kind, and soft but that doesn’t mean we should be weak and let people push us around especially if they’re pestering us with things that are unislamic such as hating to have a female child. I love the sisters here so much. You are all strong Muslim women in my eyes and I’m glad we have this blog to support and help one another¬†https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2016

    Saira,

    I just went back and read your other post about what had happened between you and your husband. You are doing really good ūüôā I’m happy to hear you’re standing tall and are standing up to him. Insha Allah, he should begin to respect you more. A woman can be kind and respectful to her husband and STILL speak her mind about what is right. A woman could have a nice marriage with her husband and love him without losing who she is. We need to remember that our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) worked for his wife Khadjijah when he was monogamous. She was a business woman. She had it going on. He respected her and she respected him. They were in it together. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) when he became polygamous after Khadijah’s death had wives who were active in the community and were productive, strong women. This thing that a woman should be a timid, mealy-mouthed, doormat is not what it’s about to be a Muslimah.

  • Jasmina

    October 20, 2016

    Umm Jameela

    it makes no difference if the potential man is married or not, the questions and considerations you need to make are all the same. Will the man be practicing, a caring husband and father. ¬†Can he provide and is he willing to value you. I don’t want you to compromise on your needs just because he is married. It’s not your problem that he has other wives, that’s for him to consider and deal with.¬†

    You say he wants you to live with your parents. Why is this? Would you allow that if he was single? It is his duty to provide you a home. There is nothing worse than feeling like a side dish for a man. You want to be treated with dignity. I advice you to not give up on any rights at all because it will be very hard to get them after marriage. It is better for you to demand all your rights now and have him agree to it now and later if you have to compromise after marriage then okay. 

  • Mena

    October 20, 2016

    Ummjameela 

    Welcome to the blog. You’ve had really good advice which I agree with. If he cant provide it sounds as if he just wants wives for the heck of it. I think he has enough on his plate with 2 wives, one of which is still going through a thing. In regards to the woman he married first, if you marry him it could be good for her in the sense that she will have no hope of monogamy. The possibility of one marriage ending is higher than the possibility of two marriages ending. It could be the push she needs to accept and move forward. A woman can get stuck in ‘maybe it can go back to how it was’. OR she could flip out and make it her (pointless) mission to destroy everyones lives. Dont think that ur settling by marrying a married man. You will be a wife, in every (islamic) sense of the word. Wheather hes ¬†single or married but ‘less’ than what you aspired for in a man then one might see it as settling.¬†

    Ms

    I have read what you ‘copy and pasted’ before. I have mentioned this before. People have different personalities. Some people are concered with the welfare of others. Some aren’t. Im the former, its probably why I always get the short end of the stick, its fine, I make my intention to make the sacrifice for the reward from Allah. Im grateful that is my personality, I always try to effect peoples lives in a positive way. I hope im never used (as in that is what was willed for me) as someones test. I dont want to be someones problem. As Ana said, polygamy is allowed so there will be woman who are less concered with what role they play in anothers life. All they need is the go ahead and they go full force to get what they want. You, me and alot of other women would have long lists of requirements before we married a married man, its not wrong, but neither is not having a list. We’re just sensitive people who probably couldn’t handle to guilt of effecting someones life in a negative way. But we cant put our sensitivity on others. The only time we can say a person is wrong is if they are wrong religiously.¬†

     

    I have a religious example: Islamically, if a person borrows money from another and agrees to pay it back on a specific date (they have entered into a contract, which must be upheld) and when the time comes to repay the debt the borrower doesn’t have the funds. The lender has absolute right to demand the money and if necessary the borrower should sell items he owns or work off the debt owed. If the lender was a nice person he would give the borrower more time to pay, if the leader was very nice he would forgive the debt. All options are allowed. It just depends on whether the person your dealing takes others situations into consideration.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2016

    Marah S,

    I agree. That woman that MS cited and quoted doesn’t seem to be honest with herself. There is no way that she could be pro-polygamy and have said all of the things that she said and laid out such an outline of what should be looked into and questions answered before anyone engage in polygamy. MS said they weren’t her views, but I don’t know where the other woman’s views ended and MS’ views began or if they were all the other woman’s view. I’m confused.

    Regardless, the woman’s list of what should be considered before one engages in polygamy sounded like a list that unbelievers would have devised. There is no Islamic basis.

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2016

    MS,

    I must say, I have a problem when someone brings conversation from another blog over here and discuss it. I complained about it when it has happened to us with other blogs. People used to take material from this blog over to another blog for discussion. I’m not going to be hypocritical and allow it here. The place for you to discuss the material that you found is where you found it. Leave it there on that blog or forum. It’s the same as the article about the fornicator who bragged, boasted and outlined a plan for it. It had no place here. They have a forum and it’s where it should be discussed and stay. I’m abhorrent about that.

  • Marah S

    October 19, 2016

    Saira,

    Im so proud of you for holding your ground. Having a child is a blessing whether it’s a girl or boy. Don’t let anyone break the connection you have with your baby, pregnancy is such a beautiful thing. I’m having a girl too and I am so overjoyed and excited. I really wanted a girl and made dua for a daughter and alhamdulillah My dua was answered. Everyone in my family is overjoyed as well. She will be the first granddaughter on my side and my husbands side. Inshallah Your husband will warm up to her and love her once she’s here.

  • Marah S

    October 19, 2016

    MS,

    That woman sounds¬†like she’s being dishonest not only with her readers but also with herself. You say she’s very pro-polygamy and is giving out advice about entering a polygamous marriage but then at the end she’s basically implying that women who marry in the order of 2nd 3rd or 4th are homewreckers. Maybe it wasn’t her intention to come off that way but that’s how she sounds. It’s okay for her not to want to be a second wife, I personally at this time in my life wouldn’t marry as a second wife either. And I say “at this time” because my preferences may change one day, only Allah knows. It’s okay for her to have that preference but her reasoning behind it and the way she expresses it makes it sound like she’s trying to shame women who marry married men.

  • Marah S

    October 19, 2016

    Umm Jameela,

    I don’t think the co-wife is really an issue, the only way I see it being an issue is if you are at a state in your life right now where you absolutely can’t deal with anymore stress or drama. His wife probably won’t be happy with you marrying him and she may act badly towards you or do things to cause drama. If this type of stress will affect your health or interfere with your path to recovery than I would say maybe it’s not worth it.

    The only other problem I see is that from what you said the brother doesn’t sound like he’s completely prepared to take care of another wife. Allah says for the men to marry another wife with the condition that they can provide for them and treat them fairly. For me personally living in my parents home and basically dating my husband is not something I would settle for.¬†

    I don’t think you should fall into the trap of giving away your rights from the beginning. The man you marry should housing you, feeding you, and spending as much time with you as he does with his other wives. You may be thinking that you don’t mind giving up on these things because you just want to be married, but later on down the line it may turn into a serious issue.

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2016

    Sister Saira,

    We live it and we learn it. Life should be a learning experience. I didn’t always feel or think about women who married 2nd, 3rd and 4th as I do now. It’s because of what was in my heart. I was selfish, didn’t want to share, didn’t want to be in a polygamous marriage and all the negative things that most Muslim women feel and think about polygamy. A woman doesn’t have to be in a polygamous marriage, monogamous marriage, or any marriage at all to think and feel that way. They could be Muslim women who are single.

    We ALL need to learn our religion and live it. Whether we’re a born into a Muslim family or a revert, it doesn’t matter. We all need to unlearn what we had learned that was false. I had to unlearn Kaffir ways. I’m still trying to unlearn them and kaffir ways and beliefs. I need my eman to be stronger, as well. All that we speak of here on this blog helps reinforce it for me, as well. It all helps me, as well.

  • Saira

    October 19, 2016

    indeed so true sister Ana 

    Allah is the one provider and sustainer and just simple thing if we start to believe nothing seems hard 

    I am not soo much strong in this yet as I get up set and depress sometime but I am so much loving the idea sister Ana when hear these words from you and other revert sisters 

    it help to built up my eman stronger 

     

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2016

    Saira,

    It’s okay. More women who married in the order of 2nd, 3rd and 4th need to speak up. It hurt women to think that another is a homewrecker or destroys another family simply by doing what Allah has allowed. If he allows men to be polygamous, it mean it’s perfectly okay for women to marry men who are already married. It doesn’t mean that women who were the first to marry are any better than the others simply because she married him first. The woman who married first doesn’t deserve any more special consideration from the woman who joins an existing family. The husband is the one who should determine whether he is capable of providing and caring for all his wives. It’s important to understand that Allah provides and truly believe it. A man may be able to provide for all his wives and then one day he finds himself in a position where he can’t, for instance, he loses his job. Then what?

  • Saira

    October 19, 2016

    JazakAllah sister Ana 

    i am proud to say u made me think like that even tho I knew deep down its right thing as Allah wants but u opened my eyes 

    so proud of u my sister

  • MS

    October 19, 2016

    Hi Ana,

    I’m not anti-polygyny at all.¬†

     

    My last post did not include any of my personal beliefs.

     

    It¬†was a ‘copy and paste’ of another womans view.

     

    Her blog is very pro-polygyny. She was just stating that it was her personal preference when choosing a husband to avoid ones whose first wives were having a difficult time with it. This is because she desired 1 big happy family unit where the wife and her kids were OK with the situation. 

     

    I thought sister UmmJameelah may find that woman’s list of criteria and questions helpful in making her own decision.

     

    I hope that cleared the confusion https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2016

    MS,

    What you’re alluding to is that monogamy is the best way. Polygamy is wrong and hurtful. People in polygamous marriages are going to have problems, the same as people in monogamous marriages do. This thing or thinking that a man must be a perfect human being before he could be polygamous is false thinking. There is no perfect human being on this earth. Polygamy is not going to be lived ideally by anyone.

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2016

    Saira,

    You said that nicely. I agree 100%.

    Women who are hurt are hurting not because of polygamy. They hurt because of what is in their hearts. It take reading the Quran and having understanding from Allah to know that. Allah speaks of the diseased heart in the Quran. A person hurts because of their lack of belief in Allah and not understanding tests and punishments.

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2016

    MS,

    With all that said, I’d take it that you’re anti-polygamy. And to it, I’d say it sounds you think you know more than Allah when it comes to polygamy. In essence, you’ve said He’s allowed something that is wrong and hurtful. Furthermore, you’re saying you can separate Islam from your personal way of thinking. How does that work? Islam is a way of life. It’s a part of everything we are, think and do.

  • Saira

    October 19, 2016

    Umm jameelah

    siater I know what u saying u don’t want to hurt other sister by marrying married man¬†

    then women will never be happy to share their husband 

    if Allah made it permissible then whom are we to question that 

    if I had knows bit more about my co and the situation I don’t know if I will still be marrying my husband or not¬†

    but if brother practice Islam properly and just want to marry sister to proved shelter to her and her kids then it’s a good deed¬†

    but if he proved her with shelter and look after her kids if she has but marrying her just because he likes her still it’s not bad thing¬†

    if man can look after 4 wife’s and proved for them it is well allowed¬†

    there is one very needy widow in Pakistan and my husband said he would be happy to help her and 

    I will not stop him if he end up marry her

    just because he is my husband I don’t know own him or I can rule on him¬†

    no matter if its first wife second or third or forth Allah allow man 4 and if he is providing all of them then how wife’s feel when he add another it should not matter¬†

    I will get hurt not to c my husband fro another night and many off time to sacrifice and money but he is the one who have to look after finacully and emotionally 

     

  • MS

    October 19, 2016

    @UmmJameelah

    I read a Muslim woman’s blog where she explained how she assessed whether to marry a polygynous man or not.

    Here’s a ‘copy and paste’ of some of¬†her article:

     

     

    What is the benefit for him?

    What is the benefit for me?

    What is the benefit for his family?

    What are the losses for him?

    What are the losses for me?

    What are the losses for his family?

    Does his wife want it? Does she accept and agree to it?

    How does he plan to practice it?

    Can he afford it?

    Do we have similar goals?

    Is he forward thinking regarding safeguarding our future and our goals collectively as a family?

    Does he have genuine reasons for wanting to marry me?

    What is his religious understanding and practice?

     

     

     

    Believe me, there are plenty of other questions I could ask but I never even got past the first six or seven. Usually, I didn’t even get past the first two! Needless to say, I didn’t accept those polygynous proposals. In fact, in each case the first thing I asked the brother was, “What about your wife?” I will not be the one to hurt his wife, take time and resources away from his children, and ruin the simplicity of being one happy family unit. I’m not the party crasher. I’m not the one to squeeze a sixth person in a five-passenger car and cause discomfort for everyone on the journey.

    ………………………

     

    Now before anyone jumps up and argues, I know that the existing wife doesn’t have to agree to polygyny. I know that she doesn’t have to like me or be friends. I know that she doesn’t even have to get to know me. This isn’t about any Islamic requirements; this is about me and my heart and what I can live with. I cannot live with the guilt and fitna of marrying someone at the expense of others. I don’t want to be another woman’s heart wrenching test or unpleasant, lifetime burden. That makes for a wounded family. I will not expose my children to that and I will not accept that distraction from my deen and worship bi ithn Illah, taala.

  • Saira

    October 19, 2016

    Wa alaykum Salam 

    umm jameela sister 

    happy to have you here sister 

    I am second wife of my husband and I would say from my own experience of I came to know sister willing to marry my husband and been asked I would not be happy either 

    I would say you don’t take any advice from brothers wife’s as they won’t give u honest answer but same they might be telling truth¬†

    so batter to find out from people around him and do istkhara and do discuss things before becoming his third wife 

    mad will you be Able co cope to see him that much in week time and do ask him about how things will be in future in finacully and all 

    again you know your situation so u know you want to w8 for batter purposer or will be happy to be third wife 

    think about you and your situation and find out from people around him 

    and if he is good then I don’t see why not u don’t get marriage to him¬†

     

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2016

    UmmJameela,

    If you will be living with your parents when your husband is not with you, where will you and he live on the two nights that he will be with you? I’d say, if the brother wants to marry you, you need to have him provide a home for you and not lodge you at your parents’ home. He is responsible for providing you with a home. It would be different, if you already have your own place. What does he intend to do, take you to a hotel? You’re not a whore/prostitute or mistress. I’d say, if he can’t provide a home for you, don’t consider marrying the man. Forget about it. He needs to be able to take care of you. Once you’re married, it’s not your parents job to take care of you. Don’t give him a free ride, nor devalue yourself. Insha Allah, you could do better than that.

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2016

    UmmJameela,

    I don’t think the co having issues with polygamy is a deal breaker. You’re bound to find that with any man who is already married. Muslim women in general don’t like polygamy and want no part of it. If every woman waited for another wife to get on board before she married the man, polygamy would be obsolete. You’ve got to do what is best for you. It’s not your fault or any woman’s fault for the diseases that are in another person’s heart.

    When you said that brothers are afraid to marry you, how do they know what happened with you? You don’t have a sign on your forehead saying you were afflicted with a curse or whatever it was that was placed on you? Right? There must be some brothers who don’t know you up close and personal that way, which would allow you to get a fresh start. When you meet a new brother, keep that stuff about the witch craft or whatever it is, to yourself. He doesn’t need to know. You’re not obligated to tell him stuff like that.

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2016

    UmmJameela, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome Sister ūüôā

    It’s so good to have you here as a writer. I’m so happy that you came forward to share with us. Thank you much for all your kind words, as well. ūüôā

    About your situation, I don’t know if you could believe what his first wife says about him not being a good husband. As you know, she may simply just NOT want you to marry him. Then too, he may not be a good husband. The only way you’ll know is by marrying him, so that you could find out. If she was already divorced from him, she may be more reliable, as she probably wouldn’t care who he married. She then could offer up some good information to you for you to use to evaluate him. If you know some of his friends, they may be able to fill you in on his character.

  • Saira

    October 19, 2016

    Wa Alakykum Salam 

    umm of 2, sadiya, and sister Ana 

    thanks u very much for being there for me 

    I sat back and didn’t even show a tiny reaction for any thing¬†

    I had hospital apoointment and I don’t drive and he txt me night before that he will only take me in hospital to show midwife how he is supporting me but other then that hewing go vd me As he is not happy with me¬†

    I said that I will be ok and can manage alone 

    after two days when it was my night he start txting he love me and all and he is waiting for my reply that I love him too so he can come in my house to spend night vd me lol

    it was nearly 9.30 at night and I got very up set and I told him he is the one who decided to make mood for something I have not done 

    and he is the one decided not to show up and living in same town and 10 min drive from each house he didn’t bother to show up or ¬†check on me if I am ok or i might need any thing and now saying he need my permission¬†

    I said clearly I don’t need to invite you¬†

    its your house if you want to come or not all up to you 

    and then he start saying am changed and I don’t show love and all¬†

    I just said clearly that I am not changed I learn to respect my self and I told him I do read Quran and will read with out him telling me and I will never make dua to have a baby boy 

    I said I am happy if I have boy but I won’t be sad if I have girl but deep down am happy for girl and I will have mini me¬†

    I told him I am one step close to leave him if he ever pressurise me for not having boy 

    and that I will be able to look after my self and my daughter alone 

    I just can’t be hypocrite and start saying I love you and all¬†

    i told him I am shocked to see he disklike girls 

    he then said it was not him it’s shaytan and all¬†

    and about his parents is not like he can’t see them at all¬†

    he got his own shop where he works with his brother and his parents only call away from him and it’s not 9 t05 strict job he got less time and have to manage to see his parents¬†

    he can go and see them any time other one won’t say to him as well if he goes to them in my night and won’t c her and kids for few hours neither me¬†

    it’s something he need to fix he can’t be baby and show tantrum any more¬†

    I Think I know now where he does that and wants attention 

    he is educated man and his family well educated and very very Islamic but some people have mind set up even education can’t change it¬†

    i am not saying I am Angel and don’t fight and all¬†

    but you can’t help someone when u don’t know the problem¬†

    other one is pregnant or not it’s not being confirmed¬†

    but it shouldn’t be issue is she is or not¬†

    I was simply sitting in house doing my house work and all without even bother to txt him and all I was having my own time 

    in my mind I will do things which I planned to do and never able to do when he comes 

    he showed up suddenly and picking up on me so I had no idea what was going on 

    he was here last night and after many hours he ask if I will be happy if he spend one day with me I said to him Ofcourse I will be and its your day off which is mine 

    he was with me all day it was very nice to have him around 

    I am making dua to Allah to make him understand the idea of having girl or boy is in Allahd hand 

    I am less tired I did sat down after so long without even thinking to paper him like baby 

    he said when he left that now he relize all and he is missing all that and will work hard to get that back 

    I will have to be patient and keep making dua to Allah and love Allah alone 

    if the other co is pregnant I hope she have boy so he will be happy 

    but for my self I am so against this idea of getting up set over having girl or boy 

    what ever it is is from Allah 

     

  • UmmJameela

    October 19, 2016

    Assalamu’alaykum sisters hope you’re all in the best of health and imaan. I’ve been a silent reader for a long time, and have to salute you all in your advice and support amongst each other. Even for me as someone who never posted, i was able to take so much positivity away with me. May Allaah Subhanahu wa ta’ala bless you sister Ana, this page has really helped so many of us understanding our role as Muslim women so much better. Be it in a polygamous marriage or not. Okay so I needed your advice, I’m currently a divorcee to keep it short and simple so you all understand better, my ex husband did sihr on me and I didn’t really want to be married to this man or live with him before I even knew this. The contact between us was very minimal. The more I lived away from him the more he was doing sihr… after he got exposed and I found out that I was afflicted I got divorced alhamdullilah. But that was only the start to my journey on this affliction. I came across a brother who was helping me with ruqya, he currently has 2 wives. His first wife I came in contact with who was really nice at first and then became bitter when he married his second. This brother approached me for marriage before he had married his second but at that time I wasn’t really looking to get married as I was in a bad way. So i refused his offer and then was told my first wife that he had married someone else. Long story short he now wants to marry me as his 3rd. He is going through a lot of problems with the first one she is finding it hard to accept that he remarried and that he wants to marry me too. She has contacted me saying that he isn’t a good husband to her etc and that I should stay away from him and she wants a divorce. She has been saying this for the past year and is still married to him, just very unhappily married to him. If I am to marry the brother then I would be spending 2 nights a week with him. He doesn’t live in the same town as me and expects me to live with my parents on the days he is not with me. Finding marriage on a whole is very hard for me because of the trial I went through and still am going through. Many brothers are afraid to marry me which is the truth. So my question is should I just settle to being a third wife, 2nights a week with a co wife who is already having issues?

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2016

    Sadyah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    You said something very important which was: “I found that those who doesn‚Äôt have an educated background, reacts like it.because education makes us broad-minded.”

    Education most certainly does teach a person how to process information. An example is how the polls for the presidential election in the US divide people into groups. They are grouped into the educated and uneducated. It gets broken down further, as well. The presidential nominee Trump’s core supporters are the uneducated also referred to by Hillary Clinton as “the deplorable.” Tru dhat

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2016

    Two pregnant wives and he’s acting like a baby too. I want my mama. On another note: It was funny yesterday. President Obama told Trump to stop whining and go out and do what it takes to get votes.

  • Sadyah

    October 19, 2016

    Assalam o alaikum sister saira, 

    ¬† ¬†I belong to Pakistan but I never ever heard like this in educated families .I found that those who doesn’t have an educated background, reacts like it.because education makes us broad-minded.

      If I talk about my circle,every father adores his daughters Alhamdulillah and they feel that daughters are closer to fathers than mothers. I hope when our cute niece( your baby) will come to the world,your husband will change his attitude and he will adore her as he takes care of his other children.Dear sister, I prayed for you and I will pray for you in the future more often insha Allah.

  • Jasmina

    October 19, 2016

    Ummof2/Saira

    lol it’s funny about the childhood room lol. It seems To me that Saira is in a bit of a rut with him upset and then her and it’s non stop.¬†

    Saira I advice you to step back for a couple of months and forget about your husband and his family. Let him know that u want to let go of the problems and u will fulfill your duties as a wife but the bare minimum until he and you can start respecting each other and building up your marriage.  Focus on Allah, and the new baby. Do all you can to welcome the baby in the best possible way.  

    Your husband will fall in love with her when she is in his arms inshaAllah. ¬†Pregnancy is so hard and for some reason men get very nasty during that time. Don’t make any decisions now because your emotions are all over the place and clearly so are his. I mean two pregnant wives lol that’s got to be hard on any man no wonder he wants to go to mommy lol.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum All ūüôā

    Just want to let you all know that I fixed the “Home” page bottom at the top of the blog. It was pointing to the wrong place :-(. I apologize for the inconvenience.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2016

    Umm of 2,

    It’s so funny, I just picked up the phone right when your comment came through. That happens quite often with me and comments LOL it’s really quiet here on the blog. I’ve been getting a lot done though…

  • Umm of2

    October 18, 2016

    Saira 

    I think your husband needs to grow a pair. Why does he have to fit going to his parents in his already hectic schedule. I can see driving by time to time making sure they are okay but spending nights there I mean does he still have his childhood room he grew up in there. His parents should understand and show some consideration. He has two pregnant wives and kids. That’s a huge responsibility.¬†

    Its so very sad how the Pakistani culture prefers male children over females when it takes a strong female to one day house a baby boy inside her for ten months and go through the excruciating pains of labour and delivery. Without a female there can be no male. it takes two to make a baby anyhow. A friend of mine is married to a Pakistani and she said when she gave birth to her son all the nurses in the hospital came and congratulated her and the family gave out sweets n money to them all. And another lady who gave birth a few minutes after to a girl didn’t get congratulated no one was crowded around her in awe they just went about their day. That’s so arrogant. Are they not females themselves, do they really not know their worth and how much Allah honours us women in the Quran. Are they unaware of the hero women of Islam Khadijah, Asiya, Maryam to name a few. Their ignorance boils my blood.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2016

    Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum

    There isn’t much I can add to what Mena said to you. I see it the way that she does. Culture is getting in the way, meaning the problems that you’re dealing with has to do with the way that Pakistani people do things. Mena mentioned how the men are treated like kings etc. Males are seen as being better than the females. It’s why your husband wants a boy and not a girl. Furthermore, your husband is trying to please his parents. He has enough to deal with in trying to please his two wives, let alone adding his parents to the mix. His parents need to go mind their own business and deal their lives, if you ask me.

    You alone can’t break the cycle. You can’t stops years and yeas of Pakistani tradition.

    I wouldn’t suggest you go to the Quran and read Surah Maryam just in hope that Allah will give you a boy. It’s not what the Quran is for. We shouldn’t just go pick up the Quran to find out something as though it’s a dictionary or go to read it so we could get what we want in this world’s life. Shame on your husband for telling you to go to the Quran for that reason.

    Again, I think you should just try to focus on Allah and let your husband do his thing. You can’t change that man. He is who he is and what he is. Instead of trying to please your husband and make him happy when YOU CAN’T, try to please Allah who is the only ONE who can help you. Make your intent to mind your own business and butt out your co-wife’s. You’ll find you’ll be much happier. Don’t care about what she’s doing with the mother-in-law and those people. Get yourself together. Prepare for your child and be happy and thankful to Allah for the gift whether it’s a girl or a boy. If it’s a girl, love and cherish her the same as if she was a boy and help her to have a good attitude about who and what she is. Help instill self-worth in her.

  • Saira

    October 17, 2016

    Mena

    about schedule and time it’s one night in each house he goes and try to come and spend few hours in each house and his parents wants time too but it’s him need to fix that time i or any one can’t teach him¬†

    I use to tell him when he not staying at mine or hers he should try to take one my my days when he not stay vd me and spend those hours at parents and he should do same with her 

    but he does what he likes so if he don’t take her time out I won’t give up on mine simple is that¬†

    time we can fix his mood and every thing lets for change can be fixed but how can I change sex of my unborn 

    it’s from Allah am having girl why on earth any women be blame for this¬†

    I came to hear this from this family that reading Surah Maryam will make you have baby boy 

    his other one so keen on this and so do his family 

    I did made dua but I never felt he will press rise me for that 

    now since I told him we having girl when ever he come home he is like read Surah Maryam 

     

  • Saira

    October 17, 2016

    Mena 

    I know what u saying but I seen his phone last week to find out why he is been in mood and found out things 

    butt other then that I try not to and alway stop him any discussion regarding any Matters involve family or co 

    you right in one things that he is been spoil by his mother that’s so true¬†

    but my other co has finally support of our mother in law and she don’t tolerate any bad behaviour and when ever he does something she alway go to them even if they take her side or not she still tells them every single thing¬†

    and since I am in picture she does more of that and mother in law alway take her side no matter if she does wrong or write 

    and he comes and alway take on me 

    my co been doing preety evil things for me and few times I complain to my mother in law and she ask me to ignore and so do hubby said 

    since then I cut all contact 

    trust me if I didn’t ask him to stay when his parents were there he would have been more bad toward me when he comes here and his mother showes angry face either way I was gone hurt but¬†

    he is grown up man he should understand that 

    if I cook and he likes food but with out even testing I use to get comments from his parents and he quickly adopt that behaviour 

    one minute he treats me like princess and next minute he hear any thing from any one and he snapp and show tantram and after sometime again apologise and all excuse started 

    he does not respect any of us especially my co 

    he wont c whom he talking to and he talk about us both 

    other day he was sitting talking to his sis like is so stuck here and doing all his duties 

    i know most of his tantrum and not been paying any attention to his dramas 

    but sometime i can’t help it¬†

    but his mother says Atlest he say sorry in the end 

    he been txting all day but I have not have any reply 

    It’s too late to show him and teach him how to behave with women but I took Ana advice and gave him space and never went to treat him like prince¬†

    I do all things wife should do for husband but not the same way 

    I stop caring now which is hard for him to swollow now 

    he will probably keep txting me all night tonight but I don’t care he can’t respect then I can’t do either

    i stop looking for approciation from him as he is not told to do and he will only do it for his mother and sister and they are always right 

    he got call from his mother one day and she was telling him that he spoil me so much and hubby was on speaker and he didn’t told her he was vd me¬†

    my father in law is same towards her but don’t know what to say¬†

    now he will treat me like princess and thinks he paid off all for his behaviour but am thinking to find some counsling session or some Islamic session 

    but he won’t learn if he won’t want to¬†

    he is not the way he use to be sooo aggressive and abusiev but I can not put up any thing any more 

     

  • Mena

    October 17, 2016

    Siara

    When I say more mature I dont mean age. We do have a fixed time but thats something we’ve had from the beginning amd have just become used to it. It used to be (years ago) that he (our husband) had to be in the house at a specific time on change over day. We’re more relaxed now as we’ve seen that our husband is fair and we dont have to keep tabs on him. As long as hes not with one of us on the others time we (or at least I) dont care when he gets back. Then again, our husband likes to spend time in both households so hes never out in the evening unless he has to be.¬†

  • Mena

    October 17, 2016

    Saira

    Im trying to get a good picture of whats going on in ur marriage. You seem to write conflicting comments, which isnt uncommon in polygamy. One minute your his queen whome he loves so much and the next hes pushing and swearing at you. It appears to me that your husband is looking for someone to treat him like his mother did. You seem to be fitting that idea as your from his culture and can make the food he likes, clean the way he likes and baby him the way he likes. Then when you are not acting like a doormat he throws a tantrum. You cannot blame anyone for his behaviour except him. It makes no difference if all his family, friends and his other wife speak badly of you, he would still treat you with love, respect and kindess if he wanted to. 

    He gave you an indication of his ways by slating his other wife to you. If a man treats and speaks of one of his wives badly, what should an additional wife expect? The same treatment? Does the other woman believe that she is so fantastic that he will treat her differently? Most likely not. 

    You need to stop doing things for your husband expecting that it will make him treat you better. It seems he is waaaaay spoilt and no woman could live up his standards. It not that either of you are bad wives who dont cook, clean and tend to the children that way his likes. The fact is he has been given a standard of care that is near impossible to replicate (from what I know of Pakistani mother) . You should understand this as you are from his culture and quite possibly see the men in your family be treated as kings, as long as they put food on the table. This (most times) works in monogamy because wives tend to let a lot slide as long as they (the men) dont have another wife. 

    I think you are dealing with a lot of issues because you thought that if you did all the things his other wife supposedly doesnt do, he wouldn’t have any problems. I can understand that it would be confusing. I can understand your resentment towards him. Women feel resentful when we do everything for our husbands and they dont do as we would like. I think the feelings of resentment are a kind of punishment and a warning for not doing things for the reward from Allah.

    Another thing I see coming through from your comments is you like to have a sense of control and knowing whats going on in your husbands life. You say you dont want to know, but looked through his phone. Maybe you know it not good for you to know his business but like a lot of us cant help but to butt our noses in where its not needed. It takes patience and practice, as ana often says. It seem you want to know if he is arguing with his other to determine if thats why hes in a bad mood or didnt come to see you. He didnt come because he didnt want to, he treats you badly because he doesn’t want to treat you well.¬†

    I think there are big issues with the schedule. You need to ask/tell your husband he need to come up with a fixed schedule. So you all know what nights are hers and what nights are yours. Most couples have set times where their shouldn’t be any contact with the other unless necessary ¬†(there can be no fixed time but this usally only works with more mature women, who wont abuse the set up). You cant change up the schedule because you assume the other will be in a bad mood or wont entertain the in laws.¬†Id suggest you and the other dont have any input and let him make the decision, it may make him man up.¬†

  • Saira

    October 17, 2016

    Allah made polygamy permissible for man 

    but people who does evil things to hurt each other in this marriage is not so humen 

    someone is been feeding him so much 

    where he broke down and been giving me hard time 

    I didn’t said any thing to him but Allah¬†

    am sitting in horrible pain and I know for sure my Allah will show the people feed my husband against me 

    no one knows how I treat my husband and obey him but he is the one who should understand that 

    and not to listen to his close ones when they pump him 

    he is not 2 year old who don’t know what women goes tru pregnancy and if I am sitting not complaining and doing everything right still gets this treatment May Allah show him¬†

    my baby is in so much stress probably when he pushed me and I hurt my tummy 

    some people will die and do any thing to have baby and this guy is so ungreatfull where he don’t get to run in market for my to cover my cravings¬†

    not a single day I sat and complain about my back pains or any thing and still keeping his all routine and things prepair for him even when I am so tired and breathless I still do all my duties 

    this man does not deserve me at all 

    if I tell once all this to my father how he makes me few for my unborn girl my father won’t w8 for a second and ask my to go to them and they will keep my and my daughter¬†

    I now will do istkhara about this and. Ask Allahs guidens for my future 

    and I won’t pay any attention if he is going out with other women or not¬†

    am getting sorry msgs from him but sometime sorry don’t make it work any more¬†

    am uncertain who he is really 

    now he will try to show me how he love me and all but nothing is same now 

    Sorry I decided to write here instead of reading his txt and get up set 

    sorry I wrote so much 

     

  • Saira

    October 17, 2016

    aslamu alakykum 

    sis umm of 2, mena and sister Ana 

    sorry for late reply 

    i gave idea to hubby to stay at his other house when his parents there so he won’t have to feel bad for not being there for them¬†

    my co don’t invite them in their and hubby always fights about this¬†

    he wants his parents and sister and all to come there weekend for food etc and spend night there and have family get togather 

    his parents stop coming as co not always happy to welcome every one and they don’t like it and when he laaves to come to mine his minds alwsys there and he alwsys comes very late at night¬†

    as long as he is sitting there till 2 in morning Co won’t ever ask him to come to mine but if he decided to stay there she complain and she also complain if he leave early and she said his parents here and he is away¬†

    this is alway a problem and his parents complains and I am the one ended up waiting till late 

    and when his parents away I say to hubby he should stay some extra time at mine next day as he didn’t spend time vd me and he does that but alway fight in the end with co or me¬†

    so I said to hubby stay till his parents  there at his house and ask other one 

    she didn’t like the idea but it seems perfect if she understand as once his parents away there is fight for days¬†

    but hubby was quite clear he said if co didn’t like the idea then she can go his parents or relative and stay there and hubby can stay with his parents and he won’t have to make up with any of us¬†

    I felt co was wrong about this as she goes to in Laws almost every day and they have right to stay at their son house some time 

    probably once or twice a month 

    hubby only takes Sunday off and he works rest of week and takes one week day off for me very rare lol

    he would spend his Sunday with family and take my one night off and he was gone stay at mine for missed nights he usually does that if he spend my night there he would make up with me 

    sometime hubby is not acting right he was not bother about co or any one was so keen to have his parents and finally she was ok with this idea.

    but 

    hubbies parents had to go back as some of his far relative passed away so they never stayed other night 

    hubby told me in eveing that he will spend night with me 

    I was not told before so in my mind he was gone stay there 

    so I never asked him for having food with me like usual I cook in my night 

    he was txting me during day time and I felt as he is not in good mood so I thought could be due to funeral and all And I ignored

    he ask for food like what I made and I said I have day before food and what would he like to eat and he said he will eat from out side I said ok it’s fine¬†

    he came home and he was picking up on every thing and saying things like he have to struggle to eat decent food and all 

    its his typical reaction when I don’t ask him like what he will eat and what would I cook etc¬†

    it hurts coz I spend all day In kitchen trying to cook best to please him as he love food but he likes it and admire but alway say bad things about food or everything when he is bad mood 

    and he was keep picking up stupid things and tease me 

    I hated it and was quite for a bit which is unusual lol

    he then took my phone and ask whom I been talking on wats app as he was txting me and I reply late and I told him it was my friend from back home she was on phone and I txt him after ward as well sorry that I was busy on fone and reply late 

    and he then said wow I was talking like almost hour

    i was like what do u want 

    I was home all alone and if I was busy talking to some one I have not done a crime 

    he then start talking I don’t listen to Surah Mariyam and If I did I could have son in my tummy instead of girl and the other one knows me and she listen all the time .

    every thing I was doing at that time I could see he is giving me Hatard look 

    he got food from out side and sat down to have it 

    I broke down ask start reading namaz 

    and I cried my heart out in prayer mat 

    his parents and co Allahs knows what been feeding him that he didn’t even bother to relive how badly he was making me feel¬†

    my co is pregnant or making drama to make him towards mei left that in Allahs hands

    but she does so evil things to tease me

    always say something to him and do something  that he comes to me and start on me 

    I read my 5 namazes on time do my tasbeeh and do listen to Islamic talks and all but same time I feel bored and I watch drama etc and he was picking up on that thing 

    I said to him what crime I done 

    not going out for partying and if sitting in home watching drama it should not be problem 

    he always does that when ever someone say any thing to him he starts on me 

    it was very clear to me he got told things about me and he was looking for excuses to argue vd me 

    and when I read namaz

    he had his cigrets and then try to talk to me and ask me to sit down with him and watch movie and I didn’t and he ask me agin and I sat down with him¬†

    and then he was saying sorry and all and asking me what hurts me lol 

    i said I don’t need to know who does what and plz don’t compare me and stop acting like that¬†

    he was then fine with me 

    but I didn’t really forget but try to make him calm¬†

    in morning I was making breakfast he was in room 

    and then he was checking my phone and he said why I block my friends number whom I was talking yesterday 

    I said I could see you didn’t like me talking to I block her

    and if you doubt me then speak to her and he was like I am making him fool and I said ok that’s fine if you think like that¬†

    then ask me about random pic of my brother 

    he was asking me my brother showing money in pic and what was the money for 

    I said he had money for his fees and he took pic just for fun and he started that am lieing and its a lot money and I know who he got this money 

    I said. How silly u talking about u went In to pictures probably few month old pic and talking like this as if I stole his money and send them 

    he screem and broke things on table where I put breakfast and broke heeter and swearing at me 

    I try to calm him down and he pushed me and start getting ready to go out 

    he was swering on me 

    and saying if I want to leave him and then just leave and he is sick with my lies and I should just sit down and watch dramas and keep this unborn girl and he don’t want to do any thing with me¬†

    I hurt my tummy I sat on sofa and cried and didn’t stop him¬†

    he then saying I been in bad mood and I think he would come and please me and say good things to me 

    I said well go where ever u want and whom ever u want and to whom who listens Quran to please him 

    he freak out and said he will show me and have another women so that time I will know how he hates his other one 

    I said I don’t give any damm whom he would go to¬†

    I then cudnt say any thing felt so dizzy and just sat there and cried 

    I cried to Remeber time when he use to fight with his other one for not having washed cloths and he use to skip namaz in Mosque as he was wearing dirty cloths 

    this man forgot all how he use to live before I came to his life 

    where 6 days of week he was eating out side and now before he even ask something he gets things he wants 

    he forgot all things I done for him 

    just only because am pregnant and having girl I am a bad person 

    I am almost loosing my eye sight in left eye 

    don’t know it’s to do with me crying all the time or having very low bp all the time¬†

    he then came back after some time with new heeters and was smiling and I didn’t said any thing and stayed quite¬†

    when he went out he send me many msgs like he is man and he would go any where he likes and if he is going in other house it’s his kids he go and and I am jelous Person and if I am very jelous I should fuck odd from his life and many Many things but I didn’t reply to any thing¬†

    he sat here for two hours and I didn’t said any thing and he left¬†

    am due in 14 weeks time and not a tiny things he did said about having girl and buying any thing 

    I am hating my self for this man 

    his family should have stop him for marrying me in first place 

    every one wanted him to marry me but I think at that time they had in their mind he would hide me and give me one night of week and every one will be happy but coz I demand my right and he have to do all that he is having hard time 

    and since am pregnant I see diffrent man every other day 

    I will get msgs in the eveing or probably la8r on saying sorry and all 

    but day by day am getting closer to think step out from this hell 

    I could have cope with everything but he having so cold behaviour toward my unborn girl makes me do what wife won’t do¬†

    am sorry for my girl 

     

  • Umm of2

    October 17, 2016

    Hahahahahahaha Hilarious video. The trump effect LOL

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2016

    Mena,

    I know exactly what you’re saying about men being where they want to be and it was ultimately Allah who had them there. I like how that man on the reality show said none of them could claim ownership of him. Good for him. It’s a problem that many women have when it comes to husbands or non-Muslims with boyfriends. Women tend to take ownership of them. If a wife could wrap her head around the fact that we own nobody and nothing, it all belongs to Allah and is on loan to us, they’d be on their way to being free and content in life.

    I like how you and your husband said it, “We (my husband and I) said even if a man spent 1 night a week with each wife and 5 days alone it would still be equal nights.”

    @Saira,

    What concerns me is that you said you wanted more time with your husband and then the next thing we know you’re trying to give days away. If it’s confusing to others and to me, then it has to be confusing to your husband. You probably should answer the question that Umm of2 asked you, “why are you willingly giving up basically all your time.”

  • Mena

    October 16, 2016

    Ana

    I was thinking the exact same thing in regards to saira. We (my husband and I) said even if a man spent 1 night a week with each wife and 5 days alone it would still be equal nights. When I have given up part of a night to my co, the point was I didnt want those hours made up. I gave them to HER not my husband, he could have got up and tended to her emergency without me giving up any hours, but then would have TOLD me he intends to make the hours up. Sairas husband needed to have said he will be away with his parents for X amount of days and pick up where he left off, as you said. Every night doesn’t have to be spent with a wife. He has a life too.¬†

    On another note, I watched a reality show. One woman said to the other “the only reason your on this show is because I took your man” the man very quickly intervened and said “non of you can claim ownership to me, you never took me from anyone” it made me think, ¬†hmmm men be where they want to be, not where a woman makes him be. Of course we’re all where Allah willed us to be, but you know what im saying.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2016

    Umm of2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam and the same to you regarding your well wishing ūüôā

    @Saira,

    I gave your post some more thought, and I think there are major problem with the days that you said you gave up to your husband. To give up days should mean that you don’t want them back. When you want your time made up or repaid to you, it means that you simply changed the schedule. You haven’t given away anything.

    I find one of the biggest problems between wives in polygamous marriages has to do with the schedule.

    Did your husband check with his other wife before he agreed to take your days to spend with his parents and repay the days to you later? Here is why he needed to check with her. Those days that he repay to you have to come from someplace – that someplace is her days. So, when he says to her, for instance, I won’t be here on such and such a day because I’m repaying days to her (meaning you), how do you think she will react? Days will actually be taken from her that she didn’t agree to.

    What has happened is you and he changed the schedule without checking with her. Then if he tells you that he can’t make up the days because she doesn’t agree, where does it leave you? You’re the one who will be angry and upset because you think you did a good deed that wasn’t repaid.

    If he goes spend time (overnight) with his parents, those are HIS days that he uses. It shouldn’t be days that you or she gave to him. It shouldn’t amount to any of the wives giving up any days. It would be the same as with a business trip. The schedule continues where it left off at before he left for the trip. His days are exactly that – his days- that have nothing to do with the wives days.

    I hope you’re following me. I was trying to explain as simply as possible.

  • Umm of2

    October 16, 2016

    Saira, why are you willingly giving up basically all your time. I know many pregnant wives with all those hormones flying around, NEED their husbands and it’s your right. Be careful because your hubby can get used to be being a once a week husband and you can end up regretting your decision. Figure out what you want for the long run and stick with it

    salaams to all. Have a peaceful and prosperous week ahead InshaAllah 

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2016

    Sister Saira,

    It’s nice of you to give up some of your time. Be careful though as you need to have the time with your husband to keep the bond.It’s important to spend quality time with him. He may intend to make up the days with you later, but find that he can’t. Then you’ll be angry, mad and upset. I think it’s best to give up days within reason, but don’t spend so much time away from your husband. There may come a time when you’ll have to be away from him unexpectedly. His parents/family should understand that he is married with two wives.They need time with their husband. Allah knows best!

  • Saira

    October 15, 2016

    Aslamu alaykum 

    hubby been saying he wants to call his parents to stay in his other house and I gave him idea that he can spend weekend in other house and not to worry about my nights and he can make up with me after when they go back 

    he is very happy with this but he said other one won’t like the idea but he said parents will be happy and am glad to make that change ¬†for him¬†

    and I did this for Allah sake even tho my in laws turn very cold toward me they were ok with me and always had family gossip but now am completely out I didn’t even tried to get closer when on eid day they said am not welcome in their eid party

    and they don’t want to talk to me¬†

    my sister in law been trying to invite me in her house but again I felt so much pressure inside that I will go their and hear all stories and all 

    I have small house and I was the one alway go to their house any way but now I don’t do that either¬†

    they very religious but they would never ask my husband If he is with them all day long to go and c me but they rather complain to hubby he don’t give them time¬†

    so I encourage hubby to spend as much time as he wants with them and make up with me l8r on 

    deep down I feel I my son had two wife’s and would I do that to one of them having partying with all and let me son stay in party where his half of family I mean other wife alone in other house¬†

    I would not let that happend 

    I am happy he is making every one happy and he said he will make up my time after ward 

    but just thinking of people start really living Islam the way they claim they believe in Islam there will be easy time for all 

    I feel good being alone I use to go to in laws in get togather shut there were alway mix emotion hard work and in the end someone is happy or sad 

    I have seen many trials in life but I still get shocked to c people who claim to be very pious and what they actually do in day today life when u actually live with them 

    I still Remeber there was time I went to meet my in Laws in one eid and it was my first time meeting other out side family I was so excited as it was my first eid to celebrate with big family nearly 70 ppl 

    i went there so happy and went in kitchen to meet my mother in law 

    and she told me so much she said she was not happy with me as I been talking bad about her and my sister in law to my co 

    i have not said any thing bad to her 

    I was told not to tell my co that all family was supporting me when I was getting marriade to their son but she was on my nerves coming to my house with out telling me and asking so many things 

    and I have told her things like to make her believe I don’t know any one¬†

    and I felt so embrace that this women I dream of my mother and I was hoping I will alway be close to her she was telling me I am not marriade first time and I should know how to respect all and in their family no one ever did these kind of things like back biting 

    I just wanted to say one thing to her 

    when I am told to pretend in front of my co that I don’t know any of you then how can I talk about them with her and back bite¬†

    many things buried in my heart and I tried but it never fade 

    I use to think on every eid that I people are lucky when they celebrate togather but that eid when I was in huge family I hold my tears behind my smile and said to my self I alway had good eid and today was the day I relize how tension free eid I use to have 

    many things if I tell some one its tiny but when it came out from people whom I have huge respect and love I was shocked 

    I am happy Atlest in my quite lonely home no one say any thing to me or blame me for any back bite or lie but I just got sad 

    hubbt been txting and sending video they all sitting and enjoying 

    deep down I want to tell him plz don’t send me but don’t want make him feel bad

    he was working today in shop and he got call that they coming so he should come home early indirectly they didn’t wanted him to c me¬†

    and I didn’t expect any thing from hubby and actually said to him not to worry about seeing me¬†

    Instead he close shop early and came to spend some time with me and and left then 

    he didnt wanted to tell them he said it won’t make any difference so I won’t give them any explanation and if they ask he said he decided to stay silent Instead of lying¬†

    I told him same thing that adopte the silent thing instead of lieing 

    I am not missing any more being around my husbands family 

    I was welcome there but only when ever every one felt good and when ever they had problem with co they will be close to me and when ever they had complain with their son I was automatically the bad one 

    I never liked the idea that shifting bond between me and co with the mood 

    hubby was saying co was not so happy being company all family she was never happy especially when I was invited as well 

    my in laws always cover up from me they she behave bad to them and never invite them but if it was me I would be pleased to look after them like my real parents and I alway tried when ever I can 

    inshAllah one day in life time I will prove them 

    sorry I was sad and start writing here don’t even know what I type so far¬†

    ignore my silly mind lol

  • Saira

    October 15, 2016

    Sister Ana 

    may Allah give you all happiness in this world and here after 

    May Allah give you what ever you desire 

    no one would understand your words does come in right way and in right time and Allah made u waseela for many of us 

    thank you for being here and doing all this for women like me 

    wish I could ever meet you in person and hug u ??

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2016

    Saira, As Salaaum Alaikum

    Make your intention not to go into his phone. Nothing good will come from it. You’ll only continue to hurt yourself if you do spy on him and snoop in his phone or anything else that is his.

    I suggest you stop thinking about the situation so much and just live it. Try to enjoy your husband and block his other out of your mind as best you can. Men don’t like to talk about their relationship. They want to live it and live it in peace.

    About you not liking the way that you are as far as not having self-confidence, only you can change that with the help of Allah. You are valuable. You are special. You have self worth. Allah says if He wanted us all to be the same, he would have created us that way. He said He created everything in PERFECT proportion. You have to force yourself to see yourself in a positive light. Stop looking to be like everyone else. Be yourself and appreciate yourself for who and what you are.

    You need to work on getting closer to Allah and your whole world will begin to change. Work on being the most righteous servant of Allah. Work on being the best servant to Allah that you can be and all else will fall into place. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Saira

    October 14, 2016

    Waalaykum Salam sis ana 

    JazakAllah for appreciating me 

    my mother say something to me not only for this marriage but in general she said I should not run from problems and I should face it I can’t hide my self from the test Allah put in my life.

    i am very sensitive person and I alway let go of my things if others wants it 

    but my husband said to me he is not a thing and I should not gave up on things but I should fight for it 

    I have very low self asteem and I don’t have confidant in my self¬†

    i just look at others and feel like I wish I can be like them and sometime I feel I am very useless and only Allah always listens to me and no one else 

    hubby spend Wednesday with me and I can see when he was with me he was getting calls from others 

    his sister txt him and I can tell he wanted to c her but because I gave him hard time he didn’t wanted to make me sad but deep down I was feeling bad for him¬†

    And yesterday night he took my out for dinner and I felt as I been impatient and he is kind and doing things to please me and I just need to do sabar 

    I think I been in bad mood because of those msgs I read 

    what will u advice me should I try to turn my self if I see any thing in his phone or let my inner jelousy see what is going on?

  • anabellah

    October 14, 2016

    Sister Sadyah, Wa Alaikum as Salaam and Jumma Mubarak to you too ūüôā

    Thank you for the “Labaik Allahumma labaik‚Ķ. I am here to accept everything that is allowed by You. ..” Insha Allah, I’m going to recite it.

    I think it’s a blessing when women who accept polygamy whether they ever live it or not, as it’s the most difficult thing for a woman to accept in comparison to the rest of the Quran.

    Insha Allah, you’ll be able to get the book. Insha Allah, you’ll enjoy the read as well ūüôā

  • Sadyah

    October 14, 2016

    Jumma Mubarak to my lovely sisters. JazakAllah sis Ana for your reply. I will definitely going to ask my siblings to send the book to me.sister, that’s my point to accept polygamy before death, even we are in the situation or not.i ll keep you all in my prayers because you all are in the situation that was my nightmare few days back.But now whenever Satan starts whispering against it,I start reciting…

    Labaik Allahumma labaik…. I am here to accept everything that is allowed by You. ..

    Its very easy to say but very difficult to suffer sigh.but Allah is everywhere for the one who asks his guidance.

  • Sadyah

    October 14, 2016

    Assalam o alaikum sisters,

    ¬† ¬† It’s time to chill out…

    I love this joke:

    Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery shop.

    As soon as they enter the bakery, Trump steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

    He says to Hillary: ‚ÄúSee how clever I am? The owner didn‚Äôt even see anything, and I don‚Äôt even need to lie. I will definitely win the election.‚ÄĚ

    Hillary says to Donald: ‚ÄúThat‚Äôs the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same 3 pastries without stealing or lying, and also prove that I am much cleverer than you!‚ÄĚ

    Hillary goes to the owner of the bakery and says: ‚ÄúGive me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick?‚ÄĚ

    Intrigued, the owner accepts Hillary’s offer and gives her a pastry. Hillary swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives her another one. Then Hillary asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

    By this time, the owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks: ‚ÄúWhat did you do with the pastries?‚ÄĚ

    Hillary replies: ‚ÄúLook in Donald‚Äôs pocket!‚ÄĚ

  • Jasmina

    October 14, 2016

    Maryam

    the way I see it, when polygamy is done right in a way that is correct islamically then most times it doesn’t work out because men usually are not truly prepared to deliver on all their obligations. Polygamy this day and age in the west is for the real tough men, otherwise they buckle and mess everyone’s lives. If it is the Qadr of Allah then there is nothing you or your husband can do. ¬†Another way I see it is that it’s their decision fully and do not need a woman’s decision but if the guy truly believes he needs your permission then yeah don’t let him. It will be a matter of time before he realises it’s not up to you and will go ahead and do it and when that happens you must accept it if you are truly Muslim. Menna put this more succinctly in her post.¬†

    maybe you could be a part of the process as accepting it early on may help but I think there’s nothing a woman can do to prepare for polygamy but it will certainly help keep your marriage firm. ¬†Fighting it will cause problems in your marriage. Again if it’s meant to be by Allah it will be no matter what you do.

    Another thing i see is women supporting men and men having a free ride and thinking life is easy so what the heck just take another wife. You need to stop supporting your husband, why on earth would you do that when it is his duty to provide. SubhanAllah. If he feels what it is like to be responsible maybe he will go into polygamy with caution or will stay away from it who knows, the point is you shouldn’t be providing for him and the household. It’s no wonder he wants another wife.

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2016

    Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum, Sis,

    You seem to be doing really good. I think you’re going to be okay. Stay strong and keep the faith.

    I like the way you jumped in the discussions and helped.

    I don’t think you should go back to Pakistan. It doesn‚Äôt help to run from our problems. You know the saying – you can run, but you can’t hide. ūüôā

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2016

    Maryam,

    I’m assuming when he says he has to culture them, he means prep them to be a wife for a polygamous marriage??? Well, at least you know that he’s looking for a wife. It’s sounds that you’re in panic mode. Most women panic when they learn their husbands will marry other women or are looking to. The wives come up with all kinds of reasons why he shouldn’t.

    Your husband may be looking for a wife who has her own monies and resources whereby he won’t have to contribute much. Ummof4 is one of the sisters here that will tell us in a hot minute that we shouldn’t contribute to taking care of ourselves and our husbands. Many times women will contribute a lot to the marriage and household financially when it’s just her, him and the kids. He has money to do as he’d like. He then decides he able to take another wife. Women who marry men who are already married contribute to keeping the man off his game (of supporting the wives) in being willing to support herself as well.

    Bottom line is that he seems determined to marry another. He has consulted with you and you’re giving him feedback. Other than it, you can’t stop him from doing what he wants to do. Only Allah know if and when he will marry another. He was lying and carrying on that way because he knew you wouldn’t go along with him marrying another, which is evident by the way you’ve responded with your attempts to stop him now. It’s what he expected.

    You said the other woman should have known she was destroying a marriage. It’s not the right way to look at it because women are allowed to marry men who are already married. It’s unfair to accuse her of destroying a marriage. She could very well say that you’re destroying your own marriage by not accepting what Allah has allowed for men and for taking your husband through all kinds of changes about it.

    It’s just how I see what you’ve said based on what I know about polygamy. Anyhow, we’re here to help you through it. We know what you’re going through.

  • Maryam

    October 13, 2016

    Sister i was pregnant not anymore, he started to talk to to this women at my last stagss of pregnancy and i found out he was talking to her and texting and taking her to these sessions during my pregnancy. Only till after the birth i realised how long they had been talking. He did apologise. But since then hes been on matrimony websites twice and ive caught him.

    Yet he wont state he is looking for a co wife as he said u have to culture them??

     

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2016

    Maryam,

    You’ve been given some very good advice from the ladies. I know you’re going through a lot right now with the thought that your husband may marry another, especially since you’re pregnant right now. I could never understand how a man goes off and intend to marry another or marries another while his wife is pregnant. He must not know what a pregnant wife goes through upon learning of her husband’s intent and the amount of stress it causes. Although, I can’t understand, there is nothing anywhere that I’m aware of that says it’s not okay or it’s not allowed. My understanding, of course, is limited and small. I have heard it happens often that men marry other women while the one is pregnant. It’s not unusual. I think I’d be hurt by it. Finding out that one’s husband is getting married and becoming polygamous is heartbreaking, but doing it while the wife is pregnant could be devastating.

    Furthermore, I think it’s crazy that your husband has said you will be accountable to him on the Day of Judgement for not allowing him to become polygamous. It’s unbelievable that he doesn’t know that no one has to account to anyone on the Day of Judgement other than to Allah. Another thing that he said that annoys me is that he wants to follow the “Sunnah” and become polygamous. He could do that by being monogamous. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was both monogamous and polygamous and separate times in his life.

    I’m not saying that he shouldn’t become polygamous. I’ll be back later, Insha Allah, to elaborate.

  • Maryam

    October 13, 2016

    Jzk sisters so much

    Ive been praying to Allah for some. Help somewhere and then i come across this page.

    May Allah swt reward u all and give us the sabr we need xx

  • Saira

    October 13, 2016

    To right mena

    i think Maryam’s husband is so silly saying all that and all sudden talks about Sunna and yet going out and cheating woth girls¬†

    if he wanted to Marry and he got some one in serious not I don’t think he would consider if Maryam is allowing or not¬†

    if he manage to confront her about this he would have marry her by now 

    he might be wishing to have idea of more women in life but he knows he can’t have so he blaming her¬†

    lol I say this coz my hubby been telling me he will have mistress when we argue and I alway say I am happy if you marry rather then do sin lol

    make him understand for his duties toward wife’s like time waise and finance¬†

    and demand your time and all financial needs before hand and then say u not happy he is taking other wife but he should know sunnat of prophet how he dealt with wife’s in fairness in time and in everything¬†

    so then he will relize real Sunnah not only having more women 

  • Saira

    October 13, 2016

    Maryam 

    it’s sad that your husband been lieing to you¬†

    I am a second wife and I would say from my experience you don’t know what he been sharing to other women in terms of marrying her¬†

    when i was about to marry my husband I didn’t had chance to speak to his other one but I was able to speak to his family and they did assure me that their son is not doing any thing wrong to other women¬†

    he lied in many things and many things was right but to be honest I was in my own zone that time me and him were in love and I wouldn’t know what other one is about¬†

    but in terms of your husband not able to provide in finance he seems selfish thinking about having other one 

    and he don’t need your permission to get marriade and even if you refuse he can still marry other women and if he sees other one then making u feel accountable in judgment day that pretty bad¬†

    i agree with meena and would say you sit back and enjoy the pop corn 

    Many things hit me after when my co finds out and many things hit her 

    my husband is finacully stable Alhamdulih and won’t ever worry for any thing and he gives me more then I need¬†

    but you can’t blame other women it can be any one but depends how your husband deals with other one and tell you things¬†

    I use to get hurts when finds out lies even tiny one lol

    now I trust my Allah not the humen so I get less hurt 

    put you trust on Allah 

    and let Allah deal with your situation 

    what ever u did to help your husband finacully don’t Remeber that and just forget and think u done it for Allah sake a good dead¬†

    and man will be accountable for his fairness towards his wife’s in judgment day¬†

    if you talk about this make sure put all this in front of him so he will know you standing up for your rights and not easy one 

    he is going out and not marrying it’s bad as it is¬†

    so leave every thing to Allah 

     

  • Mena

    October 13, 2016

    Ana

    “Based on what I know of people, most will do whatever it takes to get what they want”.

    That sentence is sooooo real. The perfect answer. 

  • Mena

    October 13, 2016

    Maryam

    It sounds as if you are in a much better emotional state than your husband. He has told you HE is going to hold YOU accountable on the day of judgement. Has he lost his mind, we are only accountable to Allah on the day of judgement. How dare he.

    Hes trying to pass all responsibility to you. Dont let him, if he wants 2 wives hes gonna have to man up. BIG TIME. I advise you to tell him you dont want a co wife, if he is saying he is going to marry another you would like fairness where it applys and financial support in the necessities. You WILL NOT give him permission, but will in shaa Allah accept Allahs decision, whatever the outcome. 

    “Would you rather him cheat with girls” this is such a crazy thing for a muslim man to say. I tell them, there NOT ALLOWED to go cheating with girls, its a pointless argument. If he did thats his own sin, not his wives.¬†

    Continue to guard your prayers, and make dua. Stay conscious of Allah when the bad feelings set in. Your biggest enemy is iblis and his compainions. 

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2016

    topdiva, hello and welcome

    I thank Saira for welcoming you and sharing her thoughts about your situation and sharing about her experiences with you as well.

    topdiva, you said, “I want to know from your opinions if I am being naive or its normal for polygamists to do whatever it takes to be with the women they love.”

    In answer to your question, your boyfriend isn’t polygamist. So the question should be if a boyfriend will do whatever it takes to be with the women he loves. Based on what I know of people, most will do whatever it takes to get what they want. It doesn’t matter whether the person is single, monogamous, polygamous, LBGT, polyamory or whatever else is out there. People try to get their desires satisfied. Some do it by any means necessary.

    If you, your boyfriend and his other girlfriend become polygamous, what will you base your marriage on? What will be the criteria? What religion(s) are you all? You need a base to adhere to.

    For Muslims, the criteria should be the Holy Quran. In order for Muslims in a polygamous marriage to have a successful marriage, each of the parties to the marriage must have a sound heart, a pure heart.They cannot be successful if any of them have a diseased heart. Allah tells the Muslim to cure the diseases of the heart by way of the Quran. A Muslim has to learn what is in the Quran and live it. The Muslim has to LEARN IT AND LIVE IT. A polygamous marriage would be successful if all the parties to it follow what’s in the Quran. If all the parties to the marriage go to the Quran, they would have a successful relationship.

    If you, your boyfriend and his other girlfriend get involved in a polygamous marriage, expect a lot of problems if you don’t have a criterion to live by. If you’re just making it up as you go along, expect it not to work. Expect major problems. You’ll basically just be winging it.

  • Maryam

    October 13, 2016

    He blames me for lying he said as he didnt know how id react he lied to me about it. I said ask any women who is pregnant or given birth would they accept a co wife there and then? 

     

  • Maryam

    October 13, 2016

    Mena those words have truly hit me and ur right. He has drained me finanically i have no money left and he has put me into debt he keeps saying he will pay me back but its been nearly 4 years…SubanAllah i have turned so weak i am not ready to walk emotionally as i have nothing and i dont wish to rely on anyone even my family. Ive done ishtikhara on many occasions.

    Nothing is clear. 

    He now says he will hold me accountable on the day of judgement day as i have not let him do it.

    I feel weak and saying go ahead. I dont see him often and he said when its halal why wont i allow.it? 

    Would i rather be out and cheating with girls?

    Men grrrrr!

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2016

    Marah S,

    I’m with you. I’m sad to see Obama go https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif. I can’t see how anyone with any sense could vote for Trump. Practically that comes out his mouth is a lie. He says the same things over and over again-the world is in bad shape and Hillary is the bionic, super woman who is responsible for it all. He’s now at war with the media, the Republicans and Democrats. The man is unhinged…

    Michelle Obama gave a powerful, remarkable speech today. She’s awesome https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2016

    What a lovely, beautiful post, Mena https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • Mena

    October 13, 2016

    Maryam

    Ana will already say, but never worry about writing an essay. Write away. The more you say the better we can help. 

    From what you’ve said polygamy could quite possibly be harder than it is for some. Dealing with a lying husband is one problem, but a lying husband in polgamy is 10 times worse. Dont expect the other woman to KNOW she is causing problems and back up. Iv never known it to happen. She only has herself in mind and truth be told couldnt care less about you. Forget her. She might throw a few kind words your way but imo actions speak louder than words. You need to focus on you right now. He and she are all about them right now. It wont hit them like a ton of bricks till later down the line. If your husband ¬†(by your account) was acting right id suggest you stay, go through the motions and grab your popcorn as you watch them try to hold onto a marriage. While you sit back released from the ties of this world and seek jannah. BUT if they’ve been going behind your back, lying and all, id make the intention to leave. Not straight away, id get myself EMOTIONALLY ready to walk. If by some chance your husband does a 360 and steps up you could consider staying. Id do this polygamy or not, adding polygamy to the mix is gonna be one hurtful and stressful experience.¬†

    One thing I hate is husbands  (and wives) USING Quran and sunnah for their own desires. Its supposed to be a warning and reminder to mankind not a weapon to send people on a guilt trip. Next time he says the prophet was poor, 1 let him know he aint no prophet. 2 a man needs to be able to take care of the women he marries, if he checks the biography of the Prophet he did this. Let him know it is fard. You are not letting up and he needs to pay up. And that is ground for divorce. never mind polygamy, you can do it, if its given to you. It will be hard but small step by small step you get better and stronger IF you focus on Allah and do all that is commanded to you. You may slip and faulter but the best of us are those who repent. 

    Iv just typed what came to mind as im a bit busy. I haven’t checked it so of anythings wrong forgive me. Were here for you.¬†

  • Maryam

    October 13, 2016

    Sorry for the essay guys lol. He wont be just to me and her and he says thats down to.him.he can barely afford things now how will he be able to look after 2 wives and children?

    He said our prophet pbuh was poor did that stop him getting married? He has a answer for everything. Worse thing is that women knows how much problems it has caused surely u would back off and feel bad for ruining a marriage but she wants to be in the picture and is really desperate to get married to him…

    Ive given him everything and 1 thing i dont want to do hes holding me accountable until the day of judgement day..

  • Maryam

    October 13, 2016

    He was helping her with ruqya including taking her to appts which i wasnt aware of and he did apologise and this was all whilst i was pregnant. They had many conversations and text messages behind my back when it was all apparenlty to do with ruqya and she was asking for help. It broke my heart and he apoligsed saying he didnt want to hurt me and even when i spoke to her saying to stay away hes a married man u shouldnt be alone with him she wasnt sympathetic at all. So months passed he then went on a matrimony site in which he didnt state he was looking for a co wife and i saw a message on his phone and eventually spoke to the women

     When approaching him he said he wants a 2nd wife and lied about how he was speaking to her. Anyway he said it wouldnt happen again but this women keeps occuring and they are in touch and said shes helping with a case for him, Allah knows best.

    He said to me as im not accepting it im going against Allahs will, he will hold me accountable on judgement day for it.

    He wants to revive the sunnah but wont do the sunnah things our prophet pbuh has taught??.

    For 2 years i was providing for everytning he was in and out of jobs, he had got me into so much debt and to be honest talking to him.about it just causes arguements. He tells me to.swallow.the pill of islam

    So i say well its not fard so why should i?

    Sisters i dont know what to do, he uses islamic hadiths when he wants but doesnt utilise them himself? 

    Is he a good husband? He was someone who i adored but the lies has driven me away and im burying my head in the sand..

  • Saira

    October 13, 2016

    Hello topdiva

    hope u doing well 

    I am Muslim women and see thing little diffrent from my religion point of view but since we all female have same feeling so I know what u going tru and what u feel 

    I am a second wife and I knew from start my husband is marriade and have two kids but he was not fully honest about his other partner and from his point of view their marriage was just for kids sake and they both don’t go along¬†

    many things he said was right but many thing I found lie to which he said he was scared to tell me coz he fear I might leave him 

    me and my other co both are Muslim so it’s hard but both know religious point of view man are allowed to have up to 4 wife’s but you can’t force your self in this relation ship if you don’t get treated well.

    since yous not marriade so I don’t know how things work out like day and times wise with you.

    my husband spend on night with each wife and try to give both houses some time very day and still we struggle with time etc 

    I would say you talk to him openly how he wants to take things in future like time , finance, holidays etc 

    and does his other fiancé knows you in picture and what your boy friend had offer you 

    she might have diffrent idea of this situation as he lied to you in past he can lie again so I would encourage you to ask him to talk openly between you too so you have batter picture and if he treat you fair and does ever thing he should do to you and baby then try to work out 

  • topdiva

    October 13, 2016

    Hello sisters I am no Muslim! However I am open-minded and have always been. I have never dreamt of walking down the aisle just to be a second. but a fact remains I deeply love my child’s father, I tried to break our relationship when I found out he was engaged to his girlfriend he has been dating even when I came in the picture. My baby father is everything a woman would wish for. He lied about him being in a serious relationship even when he was engaged he didn’t want to admit it kept on saying he loves me. After I gave birth to our child he finally admitted that it was his wish to take me as his second wife. He said he only loved two women. he was scared I was going to leave him if he had been honest in the beginning. I have forgiven him because he had never treated me like dirt although we had our ups and downs I feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to know from your opinions if I am being naive or its normal for polygamists to do whatever it takes to be with the women they love.

  • Marah S

    October 13, 2016

    Unfortunately I missed ‘we will rise’ yesterday. Hopefully I’ll catch up on it later. This whole election, has my head spinning, I feel like I’m living in a cartoon. Donald trump is so crazy, he thought he was so smart bringing those women out to the debate, but look at him now, he has all types of skeletons falling out of his closet. All of it makes me so sad Obama has to go.

  • Jasmina

    October 13, 2016

    Okay I’ll try that Ana. Thanks.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2016

    I’m tired of the whole thing (Presidential election) and can’t wait for it to be over. Hillary certainly maintained her composure in dealing with Trump bring the women whom her husband had affairs 20 years ago to the debate. It’s a farce now with the women coming out of the wood works whom Trump sexually abused. I don’t know if this election can get more crazier or worse. It’s an embarrassment and it’s stressing a lot of Americans out. It’s looks as though this is the beginning of the demise of America. ūüôĀ

    Oh, well, Insha Allah, I’m going to go chill with the Hubz and watch “We Will Rise” /FLOTUS. I recorded it. I’ll check my phone periodically, Insha Allah.

  • Umm of2

    October 12, 2016

    Oh ok. The second debate was a laughing stock on trumps part. I don’t think I ever laughed as much as I did during a presidential debate. He’s a fool. Hillary my girl on the other hand did exceedingly well. She kept her cool, didn’t waiver and when trump went low she went high as advised by FLOTUS ūüôā

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2016

    I think a crazy acting person is just that – crazy, mentally defective. I dunno. I haven’t dealt with anyone who does exorcism or has been exorcised.

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2016

    Umm of2,

    Sadly, no, I was actually on my computer. I was trying to type and listen to the news in the background about that pervert Trump and what he’s done to women. The buzzard!

    It’s what I thought – possessed by Jinn. That stuff is bizarre to me. How do someone determine that another is possessed by the Jinn???

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2016

    LOL, Sis Umm of2, I agree. I didn’t want to ruin my soul by reading it all in depth and detail, so I just glazed over it myself. It creeped me out. Wow, “a professional fornicator.” That’s sick. Sigh

  • Umm of2

    October 12, 2016

    Lol sis Ana are you typing from your phone??

    Posessesed is what they call crackhead,crazy mentally, or under the influence of a jinn. 

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2016

    Hey there, everybody!

    My last post was all jacked up because I wrote it super quickly and was trying to multi task at the same time. I went back and fixed it so you all could understand what I meant. One part was funny. I said, “We’re here if you want to disgust more.” LOL

  • Umm of2

    October 12, 2016

    Sis Ana 

    i skimmed through the article as well. Not only is he a fornicator but he’s a professional ¬†fornicator. He knows when and how to do it without ever getting caught or suspected. If only he knew Allah is One. Allah sees all, hears all and is well aware of what’s done in the dark. That article is not beneficial to mankind let alone me

     

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Here’s something you could do to pamper yourself that real easy. Give yourself an egg white facial. Just separate the white of the egg from the yoke. Put the white in a container or bowel or something. Take your fingers and put the egg white all over your face, avoiding your eye area. Go lay down for 20 or 30 minutes while it dries. Then wash it off thoroughly with warm water. Your face should be nice and bright and nourished.

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2016

    Maryam, Wa Alaikum As Salaam. Welcome ūüôā

    I thank Jasmina for welcoming you. She said a lot in a nutshell.

    I’d like to add to what she stated. Allah lets us know that there is no compulsion in Islam. Now what does that mean? It simply means no one should be forced to live Islam. We can’t force anyone to worship Allah. It’s why Isl/ISIS is so clueless and wrong.

    With it said, you don’t have to stay married to your husband and live miserably. You don’t have to do it, unless Allah has decided for you to. One way to determine that Allah has determined for you to stay in it and be miserable is if you try to get out and can’t. It’s an example of what it means that we will come willingly or unwillingly, but we will come, which means we will do what Allah has decreed.

    Some people mistake what I’ve been trying to explain. I speak to women who believe that Allah has allowed men to have more than one wife and in BELIEVING it, they don’t want to go against Allah and tell their husbands that they can’t do it or doesn’t want to leave because He has done it. Those women want it. They want to accept what Allah has decided.

    For some women, polygamy goes against their desires and they don’t believe they need to accept it. They have no desire to accept it.

    Some women truly believe in Allah and don’t want to put what they want in front of Allah. If a man marries another woman, it pleased Allah. It was Allah’s will and we should not will except as Allah wills. It’s what submitting our will to Allah is about.

    IF a woman doesn’t believe any of it, then why would she make her intention to stay in the marriage? Just staying and suffering without belief is useless. You don’t gain any barakats (blessings) for doing it. You gain nothing. That woman may as well just leave as it the same whether she stays or leaves.

    It’s good you lost your trust in your husband. We should trust Allah. Allah says those who trust should put their trust in HIM (Allah).

    I hope Jasmina and I have helped. We’re here if you want to discuss it some more. What this “possessed” thing???

  • Jasmina

    October 12, 2016

    Maryam

    hehe it’s so depressing the way you put it. But yes pretty much just wait till he marries her and live miserably or you could try to get to know her and appreciate the blessings polygamy may bring you such as some independence and a greater closeness to Allah and live happier. It only gets miserable if your husband doesn’t give you or her fairness. Otherwise it’s fine. If he is a good husband and has been a good husband and treated you well then what complain do you have?¬†

  • Jasmina

    October 12, 2016

    Yes Ana if you remember how bad it was, well it’s all affected me and now that my husband treats me kindly and tries very hard to be just with time even though he still doesn’t take me out much it’s improved but you know once the damage has been done it’s done. ¬†So that’s why I’m thinking I try to work on myself and see if it will make a difference in terms of how I feel about myself. My husband says I feel sorry for myself too much and I don’t want to be like that… Ugh I must be terrible to be around sometimes lol but I feel I’m justified, it’s draining.

    im thinking I will pamper myself today. Anyone have any good ideas? 

     

  • Maryam

    October 12, 2016

    As sisters, im in a situation whereby i have no idea what to do. My husband wishes to take on a co wife despite him knowing how i feel, it started off when i was pregnant he met this women whom he was helping as she was possessed and needed ruqya. Needless to say this was kept hush hush from me and i only found out by text messages etc via his phone. He said he wouldnt be in touch but now he has got back in touch and its been a year and speaks to her here and there

     I love him dearly but its so much emotional baggage he has lied to me an about many things and i did lose my trust in him.

    He says he wishes to have a co wife regarldess so im in a no win situation.

    I can not divorce him on the basis of what Allah has prescribed so do i just wait until he does it and live my life miserably??

    I need some help!!!

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2016

    Mena,

    I just fished you out of the spam queue. I’m glad I checked there and didn’t just delete the spam. Insha Allah, if you or anyone post and it didn’t get approved, please ask me about it, so that I could check the Spam queue. I don’t check it everyday.

  • Mena

    October 12, 2016

    Im going to change my screen name to Mena. I mean, really how long can one be ‘concerned’ for. Lol

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2016

    Jasmina,

    If it’s having such a devastating effect on you, maybe you should make your intent to leave the marriage and go, if you can. No one is expected to suffer the way that you described. It’s not as though he’s doing the right thing by you. He’s allowing people to control him. You would be within your right to leave him.

    I only try to encourage people to stay in a marriage when all is going well for the husband and the wife and the wife is only struggling with accepting polygamy. She’s having a difficult time sharing. Satan is all over her with whispers. She’s acting out wrongfully because she doesn’t like a co-wife and doesn’t like being in a polygamous marriage. Overall she wants to change herself as she sees where she’s wrong. She wants to be a better person, accept Allah’s decisions and grow nearer to Him in worship.

    If the husband isn’t doing right and the wife is suffering, by all means, if she can leave the marriage, then she should. What some wives endure amounts to oppression. Allah says oppression is worse than slaughter. He says when an oppressive wrong is done to us, we should not be cowed but defend ourselves.

    You know way better than us what you’re going through. I wasn’t aware of what you described.

  • Jasmina

    October 12, 2016

    No she’s not Muslim. She hates my husband, can’t stand him because of all of the tricks. She feel he disrespected our family and me. ¬†I don’t say much to her but what she does know is enough for her to think I’m crazy to be married to him.¬†

    I’ve lost so much self esteem I guess I’m feeling vulnerable and can be swayed one way or another this day and age.

    I decided to take up counselling to work on my confidence. It’s getting bad when I talk I studded and I cringe. I feel a sense of nervousness all the time and I’m just so dead compared to how bubbly I used to be. Alhamdulillah. ¬†Most of it is it my husbands fault but two decades of dealing with his bull$it and it’s affected me because I’ve let it I guess.

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2016

    MS,

    I meant to say, “the believer and the non-believer”. I went back and made the change.

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I’d imagine your sister is concerned about you. I don’t know if it’s because she’s happily married or not. I don’t know if she’s Muslim or not either. Are you a revert? She’s probably like many people out there who are quick to tell a woman to just leave the marriage when the marriage isn’t going well. It’s always easy for someone to tell another to just leave when the person doesn’t have any feeling in her heart for the man that she’s telling the woman to leave.

  • Jasmina

    October 12, 2016

    Thanks Ana

    i will try be patient. I guess my sister just sees me very miserable since she is happily married she can’t understand why I am with this man.¬†

     

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2016

    MS,

    I just got a chance to take a good look at the link that you sent us. I quickly and briefly read some of it. I didn’t know a non-Muslim whose never been married, but fornicated most of his life started the thread.¬† I¬† wouldn’t suggest that any Muslim read it and listen to him. First, he’s an admitted fornicator. So, why would a Muslim pay attention to anything that he has to say and try to relate it to Islam. Allah says the non-believers and the believers are not alike and don’t listen to those who don’t follow our way of life. So, I don’t know how anyone could get anything beneficial from him.

    Maybe there were Muslims talking there and imputed that I didn’t read since I didn’t read the entire thread. I only skimmed it.

    Others here may think differently. I try my best to see things from an Islamic perspective.

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All ūüôā

    I just want to let those who don’t already know that there is a good show that will air this evening at 9:00 on CNN about educating girls with First Lady Michelle Obama and actress Meryl Steeps for those who have access and are interested:

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2016

    Umm of2, Nice post, Sis! ūüôā

    I like the reminder about thr surah named “Women”.

  • Umm of2

    October 12, 2016

    Saira 

    enjoy your pregnancy and try not to let your husbands ignorance about the sex of the baby get to you. Babies are blessings from Allah. Women have been honoured in Holy Quran. There’s an entire Sura pertaining to just that “women”. Your husband better recognise¬†

    May your baby bring you much joy. And when you look at her may you remember all the favours of Allah that we cannot deny. Ameen 

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2016

    Saira,

    I’m happy for you that you are pregnant and Insha Allah will have a girl. It’s wonderful news. I pray the child is a blessing for you.

    On another note, it’s not the first time that I’ve heard on this blog that a husband is pleased that one wife is having a child but not pleased that another one of his wives will have one as well. It truly baffles me to hear it. It makes me wonder if he says the same thing to each wife. Does he tell each wife that he doesn’t want the other one’s child. I can’t imagine that he would want the child of one of his wives and not want the child of the other. They are both his wives and I’d imagine he loves them both. It’s not as though he impregnated a “girlfriend” or a “mistress”. Does he tell one that he doesn’t want the other one’s child to keep the one happy and make her feel better or superior or does he really not want his own flesh and blood child? It’s sad to me.

    Think about how you’d feel knowing that you’re carrying your husband’s child and he says he doesn’t want it or you hear from someone else that he doesn’t. Sigh. I can’t imagine it happening to me.

    All to often women in polygamous marriages get involved in what I call “the baby war.” They try to see who could have the most babies and who could have the most boys. As if it really means anything. It’s all rivalry and for what? Having the most babies or boys won’t get someone into Paradise/Janna. The best out of anyone is the person who is most righteous. The most righteous is the most honorable in the sight of Allah, yet most people don’t care about that. They only care about how their husbands see them. They only care about pleasing their husbands, especially when competing for his love.

  • Saira

    October 12, 2016

    Marsh s

    and Ana 

    i will do what ever to keep my unborn I can’t please people and disobey Allah

    and Allah knows of my. Co is pregnant too or not either way I can’t demand to kill unborn it’s not up to me it’s Allah who is in charge of.

    my husband is so against that for her to have baby for many reasons but again he could have been more carefull about unprotevtive sex but I told him sometime people try for years and nothing happens simply Allahs plan is something else’s but if Allah wills it can only happend¬†

    another horrible thing am facing is that I should have baby boy not girl and go told to read Surah Maryam but I didn’t understand how reading Surah will change baby sex¬†

    i do know dua can change Qadar luck but again it’s up to Allah if he wills I will have boy or girl or non¬†

    I got scan done and it’s girl and hubby is more unhappy he was so cold towards my baby but not he is accepting it¬†

    me and my family are from very poor background in Pakistan 

    my father is not educated person but he was the first person is whole village who celebrate when he had my sister born 

    usually people celebrate when they have boy but he was more happy for girl 

    i am making loats of dua that I can have good day today and got so many things to do looking forward to have day and do my things like shopping grocery etc 

    finger toe cross lol

  • Marah S

    October 11, 2016

    Saira,

    Your husband and co-wife sound like they’re perfect for each other. Both of them have some major issues when it comes to honesty and obeying Allah. Somehow you got yourself in between these two horrible people just don’t let them drag you down. If they want to lie, sneak around and talk about aborting children then let them. Don’t let yourself¬†get involved with their mess and drama.

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2016

    Saira,

    It just so sad to hear that both wives are pregnant and there’s talk among them and the husband about aborting the children. It’s as though no one is considering what Allah says. It’s all about what each of them want.

  • Saira

    October 11, 2016

    Concerned 

    I agree with you but to be honest I don’t ask or expect from him things are not right so I don’t see why he should still be lieing to me¬†

    i changed my self and when we togather we togather I won’t let him talk about his other one or his family¬†

    tomorrow will be his day off for me and up to him if he tell her truth or not and I don’t speak to her¬†

    i have all my habbies password in phone etc but I don’t really want to go in to it¬†

    it happend but I didn’t hide from him¬†

    so he knows he can’t lie or hide from me¬†

    it’s up to him now how he deal with her¬†

    when me and my co were getting along I heard many thing and I found they both the same lie to cover up things 

    jasmine it is very say your co does that to you 

    I have same issue but most people don’t know me so I don’t care what they say behind my back¬†

    i levae every thing to Allahs hand and doing my best and if Allah wills I will stay in this marriage and make successful but again if Allah won’t want this for me I can’t change that¬†

    I left every thing on Allahs hand and put my full trust in him

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I say go with what your parents say and be patient. Your husband is still there with you and is not mistreating you based on what I know of what you’ve shared recently; although he’s being controlled to a degree by his other. He appears to be under a great deal of pressure because his family, the family of his other, and his other are pulling on him and trying to get him to divorce you.

    I wouldn’t let a co run me up out of my marriage. If someone’s got to go, it would be her. My husband would have to mistreat me for me to go. Let her go look for another husband. Why should you be alone and without a husband or have to go out on the search for a new one because she doesn’t want to share and wants you gone.

    It’s easy for your sister to tell you to leave. Is she looking at the big picture? You love your husband and have a child by him. What will leaving do for you? I could see if you didn’t love him or he is abusing you. If you don’t love him and want a new husband then leave; otherwise fight the good fight.

    It’s not going to be easy. You have to fight to keep your marriage. I wouldn’t suggest you confront her. Let her alone. Let her continue to upset and aggravate herself. Don’t add fuel to the fire by acknowledging what she’s doing. You may think she is coming out looking like the innocent one or you may think it about her, as well. Don’t think that way. We must know and believe that evil is only rewarded with evil. Allah does not reward evil with good.

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2016

    Concerned,

    It’s admirable that your husband won’t answer rather than lie. It the best thing to do. Just stay silent. It’s way better to not answer oppose to offering up a lie.

    “Lying toe rag” LOL – it’s the first time I’ve heard that one. It’s funny.

    I like that we can talk about how we used to go through our husbands’ phones and not try to be all self-righteous. We know it’s wrong to do. We all do wrong things. It’s important to recognize our wrong, intend not to do it again, seek Allah’s help in not doing it again and arrive at a point in which we don’t do it again ūüôā

  • Concerned

    October 11, 2016

    Saira

    I agree with everyone else, your husband sounds like a lying toe rag. When I used to look through my husbands phone and quizz him. I didnt find any lies. What he told me was the truth and what he told her was the truth. If I asked something and he knew the answer would either hurt me or put my co down he just wouldn’t answer. I think your husband is very mean to say theses things about his wife. I cant respect that, niether can I respect a woman who allows her husband to talk negatively about his wives. He is playing you both, I think. If he says stuff to her to keep her calm, how do you know he doesn’t do the same to you. If my husband lied to his other wife, id definitely question of what he was saying to me was the truth.¬†

  • Saira

    October 11, 2016

    Am not proud I read their msgs but the situation made me do to find out the cause as I was so in to making end this relation ship but I am still confuse by hubby behaviour for what he feeding other one vd lies to keep her calm

    he been telling me he love me and all I said to him I am not asking or clarification for love or hate 

    he should understand the situation it’s not one day drama it’s our life’s and kids invole¬†

    he should be clear with her and with me

    i have been quite and mind with my own bussiness and he should teach other one that am his wife too and we do have sex and 

    he can’t lie to her that he have mistress he is not happy either of us so she feels batter it might be lie today but he might get the idea of having mistress l8r on in life¬†

    I can’t stress much but up to him when he come to me if he lie to her to tell her truth it’s between him and her now¬†

    he was also worried I get mad if she is pregnant 

    I am up set but it’s in Allahs hand whom to have kids and not so why would I get up set which is written by Allah¬†

    and I can’t go and tell other one that I did not stop our husband not to have sex with her he is adult they both are but I am not reacting on any thing¬†

    hubby is well off he can afford kids there is no financial problem 

    but even all this won’t make me stop making my self independant as Ana said¬†

    nothing is permanent and in these type relation ever day is task 

     

  • Saira

    October 11, 2016

    Thank you all for being there for me

    i had horrible night last night 

    hubby was keep txting me and then l8r saying sorry and all 

    but I took no well had very low bp and didn’t know when he came and what he feed me he looked after me last night

    i made him clear he should give me my day off once a week I said to him I don’t ask him much but he should do this¬†

    he sat listen to me now will c what he will do in future but as jasmine said she give hard time to her husband so things working for her .

    it use to be a battle about food and I made clear for him one night he should eat vd me other night vd her 

    and he use to come and say she ask to feed kids and they won’t eat so I had to eat vd them¬†

    all those things I got it’s comes vd this marriage jealousy and all but I could not¬†

    understand what is he talking about from days about having mistress so I checked his fone and my head is still shocked and sore 

    I am not been taking to in laws and my co 

    so I don’t get to hear and c what is happening which is good lol

    my co and hubby been fighting from weeks and all that fight is about sex and me being pregnant 

    she been complaing he don’t touch her and I must have stopped him and both argue about same old shit that she not be putting effort and house is mess and kids not been going to school on time and their things not in order bla bla¬†

    and she been txting him saying she is pregnant to and he told him mum and sister about that and all not happy for her about this 

    she had problem with fertility and she have to have proper Course to get pregnant as she can’t get pregnant naturally¬†

    any easy it’s not my hadic she is pregnant or saying this so when I found out I get mad at him¬†

    one txt she is saying she is low and she is bleeding other txt she is pregnant but all this is been happening from months he been telling her to abort the baby as he can’t cope with two kids and she not been able to look after them and she is demanding him to get me abort baby¬†

    he promised her that he will make me go for operation and she will do same 

    i am 6 months pregnant that women being so nasty for demanding this for me 

    abortion is bad as it is and this late they think will make me do 

    I am quite clear in this to hubby and all that I will not do it in any cost 

    she is pregnant or not is not my problem 

    kids not going to school on time it’s her and his problem they both parents and old enough to accept responsibilities¬†

    i stop hubby as he use to get up when at mine to drop kids to school and wake her up by calling her in morning 

    since she been bad to me I stop that and now I think she is doing this delibrly 

    Mao to please her to be good for kids he been telling her he got someone to feed her jealousy something so she stop from me

    he been telling her all this to keep her calm 

    he said I just want peace and don’t want to hurt her as she won’t look after my kids right ¬†when she is in bad mood¬†

    I am very clear on this 

    I said he married me he should not think how to hide and lie from her to keep her calm 

    I said doing all this u giving her idea how to play vd your emotion 

    I am very clear vd him 

    once a week my day off he should be here vd me in any cost sometime if he can’t make it it’s fine but not like that¬†

    and she is mother she won’t do bad to kids¬†

    so far I have not seen any other girl number or msgs but I order phone bill to check 

    he is saying she been telling him she is pregnant but he think she is lieing 

    I think that too but either way I told him loud and clear keep all problems away and be fair if he can’t give me off day then in Sunday when he is actually off he just take kids out and half. Day I want with him and he can bring kids along no problem but fix this issue¬†

    I read so much in txt my mind still thinking how did I not came to know so much been happening 

    in laws not talking to my co as well strange 

  • Jasmina

    October 11, 2016

    My husband other wife is so evil towards me.  She wants nothing but bad not just for me but my child.  My sister is pushing me to leave the marriage but my parents say that my husband loves me and to be patient.  Do you think women eventually just accept the situation?

    i honestly feel I need to watch my back with her. ¬†She does some nasty things and manages to come out looking innocent. She tried convince my hubby to leave me and that hasn’t worked so now she is wanting to tire me out. I’m sick to my stomach on how someone can be so evil. ¬† It’s been years won’t she just accept it now!¬†

    She has a sense of self entitlement and is constantly bragging to me about everything that’s great about her the thing is I don’t care and my qualities and education is so much better but I won’t tell her as I know piety before Allah is what counts but it hurts that she seriously thinks I’ve come out from the bush when I’m a registered architect. ¬†She talks so badly about me to people that it’s become slander and it’s hurting my relationships with people.¬†

  • Jasmina

    October 10, 2016

    Saira

    Yes be nice and accept the day.  Start fresh.  

    Dont get upset, pregnancy doesn’t help.

     

  • Umm of2

    October 10, 2016

    Saira

    youre husband sounds really mean. He needs to start treating the both of you like wives with equal rights. You’re not a side piece or a piece of meat on standby for him to get a quick lay. He’s treating you like a mistress only available for booty calls. It seems to me he’s carrying some type of guilt. Why else would a “husband”, the king of his castle feel like he has to run out of his house before day breaks. He doesn’t seem mature enough to be married at all.

    Also saira, put your big girl panties on and stop ignoring your husband. You’re very upset with him yes but doing that is not going to solve anything. You have some tough decisions to make. He can’t even give you one day that’s absurd. I can’t understand for the life of me why you agreed to that to begin with. It seems like everyone around you takes advantage of you. Why do you let them?

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2016

    Saira,

    I know you don’t want to hear it from me or anyone else, but your husband does not seem to be a nice person. It doesn’t sound that he has any redeeming qualities. It’s sad that based on all I’ve read on this blog about polygamy and know of it, many men are in it just to satisfy desire. I’ve said it many times before; many of the men sound to be having an affair with the label marriage stamped on it for convenience. Most probably don’t offer any form of worship of Allah. They simple select polygamy as a part of Islam that they try to follow, when in essence it’s the same as what a non-Muslim gets involved in.

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2016

    Saira,

    I could see how he is getting aggravated and confused. One minute you say you want him to take a day off work and spend with you and the next you’re saying you don’t want the day. You have to begin some where. Either you want a day or not. It’s a start. You need to see if you could sit down with him and get someplace in figuring out a schedule that is fair and just for you, him and his other. I get the impression that you went along with him swinging by your home at night and not seeing you much any other time, but now you want different especially since you are pregnant. As I stated before, it’s not easy to switch thing up when you, he and the other got used to the way things are. It happens when women marry married men. Many say they settle for one thing and it’s less than what the other wife gets. Then when she gets emotionally invested and realizes that she sold herself short, she wants more and expect it to instantly happen.

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2016

    Hi MS,

    I didn’t remove the link because Reddit is not a blog in itself. Furthermore, many of the post are probably written by men and could shed some insight as to why they THINK they are in polygamous marriages and how to go about doing it.

  • Saira

    October 10, 2016

    Hubby is showing attitude 

    and keep talking about having some one else 

    I think he got someone or someone approach him I told him 

    if it makes him happy he should do but halal way by getting married 

    I think he is just in to having idea of someone without having responsibilities 

    I said to him I don’t care what he is doing but I would not let him touch me now¬†

    am 6 months pregnant and for entire 6 months I am getting stree from him 

    other then going in hospital I have not gone any where not even able to go out with him for a walk and he is saying am ungreatfull person

    he said he won’t come tonight and I cried and said u should come and he said no he wants to spend time alone¬†

    now I gave up on him completely 

    I want to move on in my life and he said clearly I should as he don’t want to live like that¬†

    he said it in anger but I dusted all good and bad and thinking to move back to Pakistan for good 

    can’t be just servant and his wife at night time to please him and in return if I ask tiny demand I get abuse¬†

    some leagl matter I have to do and I am on this 

    I rather have hard life alone then have double hard life with keeping in this 

  • MS

    October 10, 2016

    Hi everyone https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

     

    Ana, I understand that you don’t normally post links, but I found something on Reddit that I thought people here would find interesting.

     

    A 49 year old non-Muslim man wrote about what it was like to be polygamous for 20-ish years.

     

    It’s a really interesting insight into what men think and feel in these relationships.

     

    He also covered the advantages and struggles of polygamy from a mans perspective.

     

    The link is:http://bit.ly/2e8w9G8 The comments section was also interesting.

     

    Specifically, one guy said that¬†secretly dating a younger woman whilst married¬†actually “single-handedly saved [his] marriage”.

     

    The man who wrote the article said “the right amount of variety on the side can make a main [Long Term Relationship] MORE healthy”.

     

    I’ve never thought of it that way.¬†

     

    I’d be interested in your thoughts on the article¬†ladies.

     

    Do you feel that your relationship improved when your husband had another woman meeting some of his needs?

  • Saira

    October 10, 2016

    Jasmine sorry to bother u

    but wanted to ask your opinion 

    Wednesday hubby spouse to give me a full day off

    but right now I just don’t feel like it¬†

    other hand I think it’s always same issue should I try to find something to plan in trip for a day and night even tho I just want to be alone¬†

    I been looking from highlands trip he been sending random funny txt I didn not spoke but send him road trip detail 

    what do u think I should do make him take me or stay in mood 

    deep down I don’t want to but so confuse¬†

    what should I do?

  • Saira

    October 10, 2016

    jasmine thanks for advising me 

    he txt me this afternoon pretending he send me wrong msg and ment to send someone else regarding work 

    i didn’t bother to reply¬†

    I just can’t speak to him at all when he don’t know what he done is wrong and trying to show he don’t care and I should bow down on him¬†

    I just keep making dua but still can’t try to smile and imagine nothing happend

    just feel like go somewhere so far and close my eyes from all this 

  • Jasmina

    October 10, 2016

    Oh okay you are pregnant. Shoot! I don’t know what to then but hang in there. If I manage to find the way to figure it out I’ll share it with you, otherwise prepare yourself for many years of this and I suggest that you detach emotionally just as your cowife has done.¬†

    It seems he is immature and so maybe it is only a matter of time before he becomes a family man. Only Allah knows. I think you are doing good but not getting angry all the time etc. I’m the opposite any little thin and I give my husband a hard time, I can’t help it and it serves me no good. I challenge him too much.¬†

  • Saira

    October 9, 2016

    Jasmine 

    I forgot to mention I tried to work

    woth my hubby in his shop and I was feeling good but then while working I was working and not able to have any time 

    as hubby and his family says why would I need time or any day off when I work with him 

    and I was feeling hard and kind of quit down 

    my in laws and hubby approved very less jobs 

    they don’t like the idea of women working without need and only limited jobs and hours am aloud too¬†

    so I am trying to do from home 

    I worked as a carer in Hospiatl and home help but I got told it’s not HALAL job (lol)

    coz i. Be looking after males too 

    even in college I have to find only female ones

    in beauty I am not allowed to certain treatment as its not allowed in Islam 

    mother wise hubby was thinking to help me start bussiness 

    but hopefully I will be able to start from home and establish my self 

    to finger cross 

     

     

  • Saira

    October 9, 2016

    Meant to say independant

  • Saira

    October 9, 2016

    I am making my self I dependant either way if I focus on Allah and miracle happend and life will get batter but either way am doing what u said be smart and work on my self and make my self secure 

    he does not treat other one good either sometime but she is diffrent person she just make sure he is out but not with me as she is fine and letting him go out 

    and he expect same from me 

    where I don’t know she stop caring for him and made her life which is not nice to live but either way I think sometime she turn like that when she been ignore by him¬†

    where I am total opposite 

    and I have made clear to him I will make my self I dependant and might try to get my own property 

    I am taking baby step by surely I will be fine inshAllah 

    i am mean time doing good and showing him life he been missing so he might become family guy and value family and all not out side world 

    but today I broke up could be my emotion as am getting sleep less night in this time of pregnancy 

     

     

  • Saira

    October 9, 2016

    Jasmine 

    I never gave up I been doing what ever I been ask to do 

    I would never give up for getting me wee one for any one 

    I have got good skills and I can work own my own and support my self 

    finding work is never problem 

    I work as a beautishion and I am pregnant 

    i am getting things organise and start learning proper professional dress making so I can work from home too 

    I been doing what u said to work out my self a ¬†won’t end up on street¬†

    I don’t care when he show off his this side¬†

    doing every thing and can’t have descent day with him¬†

    I cudnt resist and txt him hope u loved your time and good night 

    and he send me picture he is getting his car washed 

    he thinks by showing me picture that he is out I will be ok as he think am jelous from other one 

    lol he has time to go out and spend time in car wash but don’t have guts to make up vd me¬†

    I am making my self independent from wee while now 

    Allah will surely show me right direction

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2016

    WOW, Jasmina, EXCELLENT advice to Saira!

  • Jasmina

    October 9, 2016

    It’s interesting how we think that if we say those right magic words they will change or do that right thing they will change. It doesn’t work that way. I have tried everything and he has improved over 10 years. I’m taking little improvements that probably come with age anyway.¬†

  • Jasmina

    October 9, 2016

    Saira

    i have a husband like yours sort off. They don’t change! The only reason I’m here is because I have a child. If I were you I would leave him. My hubby doesn’t have time for Friends and whatnot but getting weekend time is a nightmare. Some men just don’t understand it and will never get it.¬†

    I don’t understand why you have focused on pleasing this man and not getting your child back? I’m so sorry to say so but its odd. In two years you could have studied and started a job and set yourself up so you can get your little one back home. I know life isn’t simple but I have a child too and I couldn’t imagine being away from my baby.¬†

    Anyhow if you love this good for nothing man then I’d lay out the law where he abides by it or he can hit the curb. It’s as simple as that. ¬†If he helps you financially then go and study and live with him until you have a good job. Be smart, don’t leave yourself on the street. ¬†Tell him it would help you to cope with his absense if you studied something so he may let you.

  • Saira

    October 9, 2016

    JazakAllah 

    for being there for me 

    I will take advice from all of yous and I can’t see my self where am wrong but you ladies can tell where am wrong and how to correct¬†

     

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2016

    Saira,

    In sha Allah I’ll get back to you. I have to run out now. Plus I have to get back to watch the presidential election debates. Maybe someone else has some input for you here as well.

  • Saira

    October 9, 2016

    Dear Ana 

    he is in too sports car and all

    when I got to know him and was thinking to get marriage that time his life was every other day out with friends and going around in car meets 

    his family told me that he is not having good marriage life and not happy and that’s why he don’t spend time at home¬†

    and they said in start of our marriage he will see me what ever time he can every day and will give me one or two night until kids got the idea of him staying away one night and then they said slowly he will give me every other night once he tell the other one and the other family 

    but before even getting marriage he told his other one he will get marriage 

    things were like that for a while then once she got to know then every other night he was giving me 

    he do go out for car meets at night and I have made clear that if he take one of my night he should take on of her as well or give me mine after wards 

    he is been managing his meets but when it comes to give me one day off week off day where I can spend day the way I want it never never happend 

    may be one or two week he follow then coming next week he get something and he rather go for car meet then give me day off 

    I feel bad I don’t want to take kids day off but I want to feel like wife too where I know my husband will stay at home today and I will be able to c him in day light¬†

    it’s alway night to c him after he put kids up for bed and then come to spend night where mostly he is already tired and want to sleep¬†

    and I don’t complain about only thing I keep demanding if he can make time to go away for 3 weeks and make time for friends he should make time for me as well¬†

    i don’t know Anna if am asking for too much or being in bad mood¬†

    but i alway look forward every week and think I will go out vd hubby and do things and I just feel left alone every week in promice next week 

    he has not bother to reply since I said I won’t want to c him today¬†

    bcoz he like the idea when I say this and he does what he best to do 

    go out and please friends 

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2016

    Saira,

    If he only had time for the wife he married first and her kids and makes time for his friends, what made him marry you? He has no time for you. Men should marry more wives because they have a need for them and want to spend time with them. They should want to maintain and protect them. Why did he marry you? You know better than we do about it.

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2016

    Dear Saira,

    I’m glad you have a place here to express yourself, as well. ūüôā It’s so good that he stopped physically abusing you.

    Nothing is going to get resolved overnight. At least you understand that you have to start serving Allah the way that He tells us to. You will see that your life will get much better once you do. It doesn’t mean that we won’t have trials, setbacks or mishaps, but we’ll be able to pass the trials and deal with the adversities much better. You’ll have so much joy in your life once you make Allah most important in your life.

    I just don’t understand how you have only had one day a week with your husband. I’m confused by it. Why did you agree to that? How did it come to be?

  • Saira

    October 9, 2016

    Dear ana  

    It was never like that I alway ask from day one to have one day of week 

    he use to go a lot out vd his friends and use to have his time 

    and he never have time to his other family 

    and I was no able to demand but I always have to get answer from his other one that he don’t give us then how he give u¬†

    but then he start giving me one day a week and always she plot something either say she is not well and drop kids to in laws or kids demand something or he had to go to work coz his other partner won’t give him off¬†

    I even demand he should give me half day if he can’t have one full day¬†

    and it’s alway end up like this in abuse¬†

    i am so sorry in front of Allah for making my husband Lord in my life 

    he verbally abuse so much I have not accepted that from day one and things were bad in start it was physical abuse as well but I got that stop but his verbal abuse is alway there 

    I have txt him and said I won’t open door for him and not in mood to see him¬†

    he then said he won’t c me and I said its fine by me¬†

    I do very thing for him from head to toe and in return I got these names 

    I love him but I love my self respect more 

    I don’t care about any time I want to keep my self in distance as you said¬†

    am feeling ok now 

    I rather spend my time doing prayer then cry or bother to reply to his txt 

    am glad I have place here i can express my self 

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2016

    Saira,

    You can’t expect your husband to change. You have to change. He has shown you who he is. He talks to you with disrespect. You can’t change him. You could only work on changing yourself. He has let you know that he has no intention of changing, so why do you think he will? Allah won’t suddenly change your husband if your husband isn’t seeking to change himself.

    You need to work on getting yourself together with the help and guidance of Allah and leave the marriage. It doesn’t appear it will get any better if you don’t leave because he thinks he is doing nothing wrong. He thinks he can do whatever he wants and you will put up with it. You have shown him that you will put up with it. He calls you nasty, degrading names and sees you when he gets ready to. You only complain and accept it.

    You have to make your intent not to tolerate your husband’s bad treatment of you and be willing to leave the marriage. The way it stands now, you have been placing your husband before Allah, and you will reap the negative effect of it.

    You have to do things differently. Don’t wait for your husband to fix the problem. You are part of the problem when you accept the unacceptable.

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2016

    Saira,

    It sounds to me that you willingly gave up having any days with your husband so that you could be with him, otherwise he wouldn’t be with you, if you didn’t. Maybe you did it to make him happy so he wouldn’t feel or think that he was disappointing his other family. Perhaps he said he couldn’t be with you, if he had to hurt his other family.

    I’ve found that women who marry their husbands in the order of 2nd, 3rd or 4th sometimes give up their days or nights or see the husband less often in the beginning for the reasons that I stated above. Then they become tired of not seeing him and getting less than the other wife. They then begin to make demands for him to be more fair and just in his time or money or time and money.

    In a situation like it, a woman can demand more later, but it comes with consequences. The husband may possibly not give her what she wants because she agreed upon it. If she wants more, they have to renegotiate it. Suddenly, his other family has to go through changes because she didn’t demand what was her due in the very beginning.

    Your husband can do one of two things, if it’s Allah’s will. He could try to be more fair as you asked; he could keep the schedule the same because you agreed to it and you could leave; or he could let you know that he can’t be fair and leave you.

    Why did you agree to NOT have equal time with your husband in the first place?

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2016

    Saira, As salaamu alaikum,

    I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so low today. You’re going to be alright. Every day is different. As you said, you should begin to feel better after a while. Don’t allow yourself to wallow in sadness.

    You’ve got the right attitude. You have to become more independent and not rely on your husband. The way you must do it is to turn to Allah and rely on Him. Only He can help you and us. Allah tells us to turn ALL our attention to Him.

    It seems you’ve been making your husband into your lord. You, yourself said you’ve been treating him as though he was a prince. What has it gotten you? He has turned on you. It’s what happens when we make a human being our world.

    It saddens me that he calls you such offensive names. No woman should be called a nasty, derogatory name, especially not be called a cow or a pig. I don’t know how he forms his mouth to utter words such as it to you.

    You need to demand that he not speak to you that way. You may have to make sacrifices and not be bothered with him for a while when he verbally assaults you that way. You don’t have to tolerate his abuse.

  • Saira

    October 9, 2016

    I got funny txt and all from him and then I reply to him he was in nice mood I said plz don’t bother to come and see this pig face and cow¬†

    and told him how I been keeping what ever time he was coming and what ever time he was giving me and in the all hard work and love I gave him where make sure he sleeps like baby give him Msage and wake him up for namaz make him relax and don’t ask if he go so early from home and come and give me 40 min a day¬†

    and I told him the way he said and called me pig 

    I don’t need any time and he should respect my feeling and not to c me tonight¬†

    he is like am ungreatfull *******ch and so on

    and he told me how he hate his other one and and soon he said I will find out him having mistress 

    I just said ok 

    he is txting me and saying all sorts of name and telling me he will do same he been doing from days and I can’t stop him¬†

    I said what I felt and what he said its wrong now he is saying things tomorrow inshAllah he will be saying sorry and bringing flowers and all 

    but I have no idea what made him so angry and why he is saying all this 

    he left here and was complaining sore head 

    plz any one tell me what should I do when he comes or what to say when he txt in anger 

    how to calm my self not to get in to low mode and keep cool 

     

  • Saira

    October 9, 2016

    He txt me and said he will work on time during week so when he take one week day off no one will complain and he can give me day off 

    I replied to him I said I never stop u from going to work or going on time so it’s your call from now on enoug is enoug you should work and fix your time and I want for sure one day off for sure in week and if he won’t give me I will take his others day off so he might relize¬†

    he then txt me said I alway complain and never happy and all 

    wow so much he said 

    I was like thanks you for saying this it’s a reply to me that I won’t get a day off¬†

    he said he couldn’t see his family and all and cudnt give them time¬†

    I was like who stop u 

    u always come and go and like 2 year old u don’t care and when have day off behave like selfish¬†

    he been good I thought he relize now and he is making changes and soon I demand something I got all sorts of name 

    so am back in square one 

    I don’t want him to come and c me not in mood and don’t want him to txt me l8r on and say sorry¬†

    my mind is all over 

    I feel bad for asking and demanding something 

    I just want to make my self strong and stop depending on him 

    don’t want to be like karima where she get stuck coz of kids and depend on him¬†

    I won’t ask him any thing good or bad will be ¬† Hypocrite and smile and show am happy¬†

    but just want to make my self strong 

    I am not working and he won’t let me but I will start baby step to make my self I dependant¬†

    where I don’t need to ask him to give me time¬†

    or any thing 

    sorry am just so low today 

    where I was looking after him like prince last night and he was saying things like I am his diamond 

    he gets angry and say things but he should respect and not to call names 

    it’s hurts he call me pig and cow¬†

    my way of saying must be wrong but just hurt this man was kissing my cheeks so much and tell me how madly he love me 

    you don’t call this to your love one¬†

    am sorry I am emotional and low I probably be fine in few hours time inshAllah

  • Saira

    October 9, 2016

    Am more hurt the way he said soon after getting up 

    after so many years still I was not expecting he would give me day off 

    but I am hurt and so angry on him don’t want to see him at all today¬†

    i have told him so many times this thing make me crazy when he sometime come in his day off and say soon I open door I got to be quick and need to run 

    I told him if you don’t say this it won’t give me that madness but the way he say it makes me hurt¬†

    he then had breakfast and stayed till 2ish afternoon but I am still hurt the way he said in morning 

    I txt him few and said I will want my day off from now on 

    he might get angry but today I feel like I done so hard work so many weeks and now I spoil all https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif

  • Saira

    October 9, 2016

    aslamu alakyukum 

    ana 

    i have checked other web sites too probably Amazon is the best to get order other book stores will cost more to order and will have to make few trips 

    inshAllah will get from amazon

    i am feeling very low today 

    I been reading dua and making astagfar 

    but I feel so low deep down 

    I been keeping my self busy and occupied 

    hubby been coming and going in theses days when ever he feels like I didn’t ask any thing¬†

    he was away for more then 3 weeks and soon he back he gave his few days to kids I said nicely I would want some time too 

    but he comes mostly spending day there and giving me dark night lol

    then I stopped asking 

    and it spouse to me one day of week for me but he count give me as he been away for long and cudnt give me day off as he got his own shop to run 

    I felt so bad today it is Sunday and he spend vd kids and co 

    he woke up 12 and said he need to run and have so many things to do 

    I was like thanks you for saying this 

    he came at night around 10ish and woke and first thing was I need to run 

    I was wow u didn’t have me any day and I am not saying spend whole day vd me but waking up saying like this made me mad¬†

    and then he said I will for sure try to come and give u sometime lol

    like alway he do after doing all enjoyment sitting vd me to have tea lol

    i been staying quite and not asking any thing 

    but I got soo hurt today he got up and said like this 

    as if I am just there for nights and don’t have any right for day off where I can for a change relax too with out knowing he will have to go to work¬†

    he txt me am out and kids vd me and other one with me too 

    and am sorry 

    I was like why telling me it’s weekend and in Sunday it’s always like that¬†

    you know it’s your day off

    and when it’s comes one week day she or any one had to ask for favour and I can’t have a decent day¬†

    now he is saying he will make sure I get that 

    and I told him enough is enough if he can’t give me this week day then I will make him to give me next Sunday in any coast¬†

    I might be sound bitchy 

    but I feel sick doing everything trying everything but he can’t explain to his family and co that I need one day too¬†

    am just feeling emotional right now and don’t want to say any thing to him and thought to write here¬†

     

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2016

    Saira,

    I found another store online in the UK that the book is available: “The Book Depository” – http://bit.ly/2cZvrcZ It’s being sold by many distributors. I’m not aware of all of them.

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2016

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, dear Sister,

    Thank you for stopping in and letting us know that you are okay. Take all the time you need to silently read. Just know that we are here for you, if and when you want to talk.

    Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed that you can’t pack and go. It’s simply not time for it to happen. It can only happen based on Allah’s time – when and if He decrees it to happen. He’s the one who has the control, not us. If it was time, it would be easy to leave and it would happen.

    You don’t know why Allah is keeping you there for the time being. He knows what is best for us. It could be that He wants you to turn completely to Him and grow nearer to Him for the good of your soul.¬† Just imagine if everyone could run up out of anything that happens to them that they don’t like. How could they be tested then? Things don’t always go the way we want them to. Allah knows and we do not know.

    Everything will be okay. Keep the faith and stay strong https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2016

    Saira,

    It’s awesome that your husband is so supportive of you and will buy the book for you. I could see how you are so proud of him ūüôā It’s nice that he has no objection to you reading and writing on the blog, as well.

    I’m happy you’re here ūüôā

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2016

    Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    The book is available online only. A person could walk into some stores and the sales representative will order the book for the person and have it shipped to him or her.

    The two places that it’s available in the UK is listed below. Click the links:

    Amazon.co.uk
    http://amzn.to/2dBrOf3

    Lulu.com
    http://bit.ly/2dmZPKD

    I don’t know how long it would take to receive the book once it’s ordered. It depends on the store that you’re ordering it from. Once the order is placed you should receive that information.

  • Karima

    October 8, 2016

    Salam I’m here Ana!!! Actually I’m embarassed ashamed I can’t just pack n go!!! I’m mad at myself for not handling things better when I first discovered of their affair!!! I m staying due to the kids n the financial stability we have ….he’s a great dad…. sorry to trouble u with This…I think I’m gonna stay a silent reader for a few days! Thanks for everything¬†

    salam

  • Saira

    October 8, 2016

    Aslamu Alaykum 

    ana I been to few book stores to get your book 

    but unfortunaltity I cudnt get in my area and the book keeper said its only available in Amazon I asked if he able to tell me if any other book store I can look for but he said he is sure this book is only available online .

    do you know how long it takes if I ask hubby to order from Amazon?

    i ask hubby to order this book for me and I told him about this blog 

    he knew I read stuff but he said he don’t have any problem me writing there at all¬†

    I feel so proud of him he is so changed MashaAllah 

    he said he is happy if I read all this and I showed him some topics and he said he that’s all good to hear¬†

    such a relief seriously 

    cant w8 to read this book 

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2016

    When I say “chilling” I mean it creeps me out.

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2016

    Invoking the wrath of Allah on oneself or having another invoke the wrath of Allah on him or herself is chilling to me.

    Sis Karima,

    Are you there. I’m just checking in to make sure you’re okay. I’m thinking of you. Insha Allah, check in with us to let us know you’re alright {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    I say that because those acts of worship that are extremely important to me. There are women who don’t offer salat and do any of those type of acts of worship, so they may not care that their husbands don’t do them.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    Mari2,

    I agree with you. What’s good as well is that there are options. A wife can make her intention to divorce. Divorce is an option. A wife could take the oath that Allah gives for spouses who have no evidence as well. A wife, not having the evidence, could do nothing and let Allah deal with it, too.

    I am one to let Allah deal with it, if it were me. If my husband was doing something that isn’t right, I’d be inclined to leave it in Allah’s hands and let Him deal with it. I’m accountable only for myself. If my husband stopped offering salat, eating halal and those things of worship that I know he should be doing, I’d be inclined to divorce him. Those are thing I can see and things that I know. I can say that because I’m in the position to do it leave. There are no kids and no financial problems holding me back from leaving. Of course, what will happen will depend on Allah. I can only say what I believe I’d be inclined to do based on what I know of my husband and me.

  • Mari2

    October 7, 2016

    The entire adultery thing can be summed up with Allah sees all.  Allah will deal with it in HIS way in HIS time   

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    “And for those who launch a charge against their spouses, and have (in support) no evidence but their own,- their solitary evidence (can be received) if they bear witness four times (with an oath) by Allah that they are solemnly telling the truth; ”

    Surah 24, ayah 6

    “And the fifth (oath) (should be) that they solemnly invoke the curse of Allah on themselves if they tell a lie.

    Surah 24, ayah 7

    “But it would avert the punishment from the wife, if she bears witness four times (with an oath) By Allah, that (her husband) is telling a lie;

    Surha 24, ayah 8

    “And the fifth (oath) should be that she solemnly invokes the wrath of Allah on herself if (her accuser) is telling the truth.

    Surah 24, ayah 9

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    There is actually ayat (verses) in the Quran that addresses what a husband and a wife should do when one accuses the other of adultery and have no witnesses. It boils down to them invoking the curse of Allah on themselves, if he or she is telling a lie that it didn’t happen when it did.¬† I wouldn’t want to find myself in that position. The last thing I’d want is the curse of Allah on me.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    Karima’s husband could be so far gone as to be Muslim in name only that he deserves to be with that woman.

    Karima best bet is to focus on herself and not get led astray by her husband.

    Karima, keep turning to Allah and don’t slacken. We all need all the help from Allah that we can get. You’re not accountable for your husband. You are only accountable for yourself.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    Mara S,

    I just read your post to Karima. See, we’re on the same page LOL

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    Mara S,

    You’re a beautiful person inside and out, toohttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif I’ve felt a connection to you for a while now. It’s seems we’re so much on the same page.

    There are so many beautiful people here on this blog. Karima is very special. She touches my heart. We all must have something special going on since Allah made us Muslimshttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

    Your story about how you struggled with culture and learning the Quran is so enlightening¬† and interesting. It’s like we’re all reverts. We’re all learning. It’s a beautiful thing. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    Mari 2,

    It’s so nice of your husband to say he’ll speak with the Imam on behalf of you and what you’re trying to accomplishhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    It’s up to Karima if she wants to go find a scholar and consult with him about what’s going on with her husband. To me, it seems she already knows what’s going on with him –¬† she suspect her husband may be involved in some illicit activity based on all the evidence that has presented itself. She doesn’t have to go as far as to accuse him of committing adultery. Some suspicion is sin, but not all of it is.¬† Furthermore,¬† she said her husband doesn’t pray etc.

    She said she can’t leave him now because she doesn’t have the wherewithal to do it. She’s dependent on him right now as she doesn’t work and is trying to raise her children. I think she realizes that she needs to turn all her attention to Allah, make her intent to leave the marriage and wait on Allah to remove her from the marriage or bring about a change in her husband, which would allow her to stay married to him.

     

  • Marah S

    October 7, 2016

    Karima,

    You should really try and make a lot of dua and ask Allah for guidance regarding your marriage. Obviously we have no solid proof that your husband has committed adultery. Of there is a lot of circumstantial evidence and confessions from the other women. But I don’t think that is enough islamically to rule him as an adulterer. I hope I’m not misunderstanding you but it seems you mentioned that he doesn’t pray. That to me is a huge issue because in the Quran allah mentions prayer as something that separates the disbelievers and wrongdoers from the believers. Your situation is so complex and complicated I’m getting sad just thinking about it. But Allah knows best and if you remain patient hopefully you’ll soon find a clear path.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    Sis Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Muslims were allowed to marry the Christians and the Jews who were living during the time of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) because they were considered the “The People of the Book.” They followed the Gospel and the Torah – the Books that were in their original form and hadn’t been tampered with. The Message that Prophet Moses (PBUH) and Prophet Jesus (PBUH) received was the same message that all the Prophets, including Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received. The only difference is that Allah left out of the Quran that which was no longer necessary and included what else was needed.

    Once the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received the revelation everyone on the planet is expected to accept it. Allah makes Muslims. A man can’t make a woman a Muslim.

    To say a man could marry any woman (Christian or Jew) is like saying only Muslim women need to follow the Quran. It contradicts everything that Allah says in the entire Quran.

    I’d prefer that you not quote scholars here. People could simply go research what the scholars say and watch videos of lecture without the need for links here to it.

  • Marah S

    October 7, 2016

    I also agree that Muslim men and women are not supposed to marry non-Muslims. There is an overwhelming amount of evidence for this. I don’t know how on earth some “scholars” still encourage Muslim men to marry non-Muslim women.

  • Mari2

    October 7, 2016

    Ana,

    We are all sisters here MASHALLAH.  And we should always encourage one another.  Its a beautiful thing!  But no response from the brothers/imams as to polygamy lessons.  M said he would bring up the idea to the imam. 

  • Marah S

    October 7, 2016

    Anabellah,

    You are such an inspiring and beautiful person, inside and out, it’s amazing how far you’ve come. I find myself constantly being inspired by people who have converted to Islam, more so than those who have been born into it like myself. I have met so many converts who take the religion whole heartedly and truly just want to worship Allah and accept Islam in its entirety. Karima is also one of those people who inspire me to be a better Muslim. I know for sure that for me being born into the religion made me take it for granted. It wasn’t until a tragedy happened in my life that I started searching for the truth. And I’ve had so many road blocks, overcoming culture mixed into the religion and learning what is actually in the Quran as opposed to what was passed down to me.

  • Saira

    October 7, 2016

    Sis Ana 

    i could be wrong and I did double checked 

    and it’s like almost impossible to marry a non Muslim¬†

    i am told that Muslim man can marry either Jew or Christine women 

    but those women should not be practicing it 

    and man should educate them 

    it’s like telling man to educate them about religion which they don’t follow them self and commit adultery with them¬†

    am talking about man who are sensare 

    i can not say if it’s right or wrong Allah knows best¬†

    but if man would worry to marry them am sure he won’t commit adultery

    other thing I came across is karima’s husband putting his marriage in danger by commuting adultery¬†

    if he admit and she is 100% sure they do commit adultery then she has to go to scholars and find out ruling in that for her husband 

    I am not sure if I am allowed to put links here from scholors but am just trying to help 

    she should speak to scholors once she is conform they do adultery 

    again sister Ana 

    i am not scholor I have told man allowed and seen in my family Christian females but Allahs knows best

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    Muslim women AND MEN are not permitted to marry non-Muslims under any condition or circumstances.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    I’m sorry, but I must interject here. Muslims whether man or woman are not permitted by Allah to marry a non-Muslim. I’m not saying this based on anyone’s ruling. I’m stating about what Allah says throughout the entire Quran. I would need to put practically the entire Quran on this blog to give all the ayats in which Allah lets us know that Muslims are to marry Muslim. It makes no sense whatsoever that Allah would tell Muslims that they could marry those who stand against everything that Islam represents. The scholars and such have ruled in favor of men so that men could be with any woman they want. We all need to read Quran and let Allah give us understanding. What sense does it make that Allah would allow Muslims to marry those who believe in the trinity, don’t believe in the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), don’t believe in polygamy, believe Jesus is God’s son and much, much more. NO! Muslims are not permitted by Allah to marry non-Muslims.

  • Saira

    October 7, 2016

    Sis umm of 2

    muslim man can marry non Muslim as kids take religion from their father 

    he can marry her it’s not so encourage to marry non Muslim but there is not ruling man can’t marry non Muslim¬†

    if she takes shahada and becom Muslim just to get marry that’s not right Muslim but Allah knows¬†

    I can recheck with my teacher again but I am sure marrying non Muslim is allowed for Muslim man 

    and it’s is up to him how he deal with it¬†

    Allah knows best 

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    What’s crazy is that Sis Karima has gone above and beyond trying to accommodate him and do the right thing according to our religion and accept polygamy, and he has the audacity to take advantage of her and request she give him permission for him to go and lay with another woman whom he refuses to talk to Karima about her status – whether she’s wife or mistress. SMH

  • Umm of2

    October 7, 2016

    Karima

    thats so strange of your husband. You’re giving him the go ahead, from your posts it seems he can afford another wife and family so why won’t he just marry her and make his life easier. Ohhhhh but she’s not Muslim. Then that’s a no. You shouldn’t even encourage him to marry her because Muslims cannot marry nonmuslims. And if she takes the shahada at this point it would probably be for all the wrong reasons. This is a complete mess.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    It’s very sad. My heart breaks for her https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

  • Saira

    October 7, 2016

    Sis karima 

    i would say you take some scholars advice on this 

    if he is commeting adultery without marrying her 

    what kind of man he is 

    he had guts to tell u about other women but not man enough to marry her

    make dua to Allah for him to get guidance 

    Ameen 

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    Good for you that you didn’t stay feeling down for very long. Continue to keep in mind that if Allah wants you to have a child, there is nothing that will stop it from happening. I’m assuming his other wife has children by him. What reason(s) does he give for not wanting you to have a child right now? Is it financial? Allah says he provides.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    Karima,

    I don’t blame you at all for telling him that you will file for a divorce if he is not married to her, and he goes there to spend the night to test it out. He’s getting out of hand now. He won’t give you a definitive answer as to whether he is married to her or not, yet he wants you to agree to him going to sleep there with her. That is ludicrous. Furthermore, from what I gather from you, it doesn’t appear that she took the Shahadah. She is straight up non-Muslim. What the heck is he doing?

    Karima, you can’t control him, but you can make your intentions about what you would like to do. Him being married to her is one thing, but to tolerate him possibly just sleeping around is another. No one here can tell you what to do. You need to do what you’re inspired to do that is right.

  • Karima

    October 7, 2016

    so dear Ummof 2 he is not innocent. Almost 7 years I suffered but alhamdulellah I’ll survive I don’t give s ***t he killed my love due to his lies n all. Yes it’s his right to marry up to 4, but like this? ¬†N u know what r told me…. when we met all those years ago we were sleeping together living together . I told him yes but we were 21 n not 40 now we should be mature we are parents n I’m a Muslim now. ¬†N again u don’t pray I said n all. U can’t just enjoy the privileges of polygamy we need to split the days equally. No he said u don’t tell me what to do I know. He’s driven by I don’t know what… lust? ¬†I’m nit crying for him or her I don’t care I cry about falling. For him n doing evrythijf for him wrongly¬†

  • Saira

    October 7, 2016

    Sis Ana 

    i agree with you people who born in Muslim families take religion very lightly and they don’t have thirst of knowledge¬†

    i been reading many translation for Surah Bakra 

    it’s about Jews and Muslim and Allah clearly said like he took all from Jews and gave to Muslim and if we don’t carry our religion and think we Muslim and we will go to heaven and forgiven people then Allah will surely replace the people who will carry the flag of religion¬†

    I can’t say what am thinking is right but I seen soo much around me that revert people are batter then we born Muslim and taking religion the way it should be and I am sure they all will represent Islam in near future¬†

    there is one scholar I am very much inspired with he was born Christin and when he revert he said he was going in mosque and every one use to tell him the way of reading namaz and all sort of things 

    he said many people were not able to answer his question and they were mixing tridition into religion then he start learning and MashaAllah today he is Imam of same mosque 

    He agree in every thing what was in Quran and even accused of being too religious that thing open my eyes 

    Alhamdulil today I see my self and I do still feel thirst for knowledge and I am able to do that to see sisters like you who embrace Islam and teached people like me many things 

    the day I relize real Allah and our right path since then Alahamdulih I done full hijab and carry abaya 

    and inshAllah am learning one day I will follow your door step and write book about all this 

    I am very pleased to be part of this wee family and all these sister and you 

    made huge huge change in my life 

    it’s been many many weeks my husband been admiring me so much and he been doing things own his own I would ask him in past and he ignore¬†

    All its coz of Allah 

    i remebr one day it was 4 am at night I got up and cried my heart out 

    it was all my co and in laws things were hurting me 

    that time I read your post and you were telling accept every thing comes from Allah and love Allah first then your husband 

    that blog touched my heart

    i cried and made loats of dua for u 

    And now  Alahamdulih I got peace in my life 

    many difficulties I have in life but still that peace is still there 

    I have not ask any thing to my husband and it’s been many weeks I did not complain or any thing and I do ask if I wanted something from him time wise but in batter way¬†

    but today Alhamdulih 

    i feel lukiest women in world 

    every night is like date night with my hubby 

    and all that to Allah and then this blog 

    JazakAllah all of yous https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Karima

    October 7, 2016

    Husband just asked

    me if tomorrow I don’t sleep here it’s ok? ??? Basically he wants to sleep to his other n try n see how it works but without marrying her!!! So I said no habibi u marry her u show. Me the certificate from the mosque n then I’ll buy u a wedding gift also. If u just sleep to her place from time to time but not as married I’ll file for a divorce¬†

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    Saira,

    I think many who were born into Muslim families don’t realize that revert Muslims were probably looking for something in their lives that was missing, or Christianity or other religions weren’t giving them. When they accepted Islam, many did it wanting to learn Islam and to live it. Granted, there were some who embraced Islam for other reasons, such as to get a husband or for protection in prison LOL, but I’m not speaking about them. I’m speaking of those who actually want to learn it because they believe in it.

    On the other hand, many born into Islam were simply born into Islam. Much was passed along to them. They didn’t have the thirst for knowledge about Islam because it wasn’t something new to them. It was just second nature. It was the same as me being a Christian before I accepted Islam. My parents said I was a Christian and sent me to church. I never really got into it deeply.

    I say it all to say there are major differences because of how we grew up and what we learned. There is an ayah that says our parents make us Christians, Jew, Magian, or Sabians. I think there are many born Muslims who have to learn Islam the same way that reverts do. It’s all good. ūüôā

    Oh, and by the way, I was one of those people too, who used to try to interpret the ayah to mean that polygamy isn’t good and that a man should only have one because he can’t be just. It’s probably quite common to misinterpret it that way because we want to not believe otherwise.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    Sis Saira,

    I tell everyone here that it’s all because of you and them that this blog is what it is and it’s a success. Everyone needs to remember that the blog couldn’t be what it is without you all writing about your experiences, talking with one another and with me. We wouldn’t get the same results, if the blog was for read only (only had posts to read) and we don’t communicate with one another.

    I’m happy Allah has given us this blog. Administrating it is something I enjoy doing. I love communicating with all of you here. I’m learning a lot about how to get along better with people who don’t share my views. I’ve had a difficult time doing that, but I’m sloooowly, but surely getting better. Alhumdulliah.

    I thank you for sharing what some of your experiences have been with those you encountered and were negative towards you because you are in a polygamous marriage and married in the order of second. What you experienced is quite common. Good for you that you rose above what they said and kept the faith. There is nothing wrong with having married your husband who was already married. Don’t let anyone try to make you feel bad about yourself. Allah gave you your husband. It’s something that those who find fault in you either don’t know or forget.

    Saira, thank you for being here and a part of our blog family ūüôā

  • Saira

    October 7, 2016

    Wow MashaAllah sis ana 

    you really made me relize my own self 

    when I use to read Quran and try to explain others that it was old time when people use to have many wifes

    ¬†and Allah says you can have 4 wife but same time Allah says you can’t not do justice with all of them etc

    i always look in to diffrent interprstion and try to avoid this topis

    i had many people in my family where they got second wife revert and I never understood 

    but after sometime I started to relize Allah made it law full and if our prophet followed it its permissible 

    I often spoke to my husband and I even told him there are few ladies in Pakistan divorce with kids I told him if he ever wanted to get marriage and support another sister I would not have problem with it 

    I know it’s easy to say until you face but¬†

    when I see other women struggling in our community being single with kids I understand meaning of it 

    but am very surprise when I see all revert sisters doing great it teach people like me many things 

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    Sadyah, As Salaam Alaikum https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Again, welcome. I know what you mean when you say it brings you to tears when you hear about polygamy. I remember when I first became Muslim 30 years ago and the person who introduced me to Islam told me that polygamy is a part of it. I didn’t like hearing that at all. I thought it was okay for others, but not for me. I had ill feelings inside about it. I didn’t like the way it made me feel to hear about it. It brought about physical changes within that I can’t describe now, but I remember feeling it. I tried to find ayat (verses) in the Quran that showed polygamy isn’t allowed and isn’t good. I looked for negative literature about it. I tried my best to avoid it.

    In reading the Quran it was clear to me that¬† one can’t enter Paradise/Jannah without accepting the entire Quran. Even if one doesn’t live in a polygamous marriage a Muslim/Believer must accept polygamy as good and valid.

    So, I know exactly what you’re feeling and going through. The more I read the Quran and read about the Hell Fire, the more I know that I don’t want to be in it for not a second.

    Insha Allah, you’ll get to a good place eventually in which you won’t feel anything negative when the thought of polygamy crosses your mind or someone speaks of it https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Saira

    October 7, 2016

    Sis ana 

    i use to go a lot in our local mosque and I never hide from any one that I am a second wife 

    I got a lot of negitive comments but all from Pakistani females 

    I must say I got very good advice and encorgement from African black Muslim and Somalian women’s¬†

    my co does attend same mosque too

    and I have Intrduce her indirectly too and in past did offer her to but she attend diffrent groups 

    and I went vd her once and I got very very negitive welcome there 

    and even the alima teacher didn’t like me and was making me feel uncomfortable¬†

    and l8r one after some weeks I got to know from co that her teacher said 

    I done wrong by marrying and become second wife 

    I was so hurt with all this and since then I kept distance from my own community women’s¬†

    but I wish I find some who can exchange their experience and help each other in improving our life’s¬†

    but to be honest I am very much happy to have this groups now to share my good and bad experience and get advice

    all goes to you 

    sister 

    may Allah give u reward for this 

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    Sister Saira,

    I think it’s a good idea if you could get a group going at the mosque that you attend, so there could be open discussions about polygamy. Only when women start educating themselves about it will there be less negativity associated with it. Education is key.

    You and Mari2 probably will meet with resistance from many Muslim females, because they are against polygamy. They don’t like polygamy and fear that it may become a part of their lives. They want women to reject it the same as they do. They fear that the more women and men hear about polygamy, the more incline they may be towards it. Therefore, they want to keep it hush, hush. Many Muslim females shun women who embrace polygamy. Especially if the women aren’t married. They fear those women will marry their husbands.

    I don’t think it’s going to be an easy task for anyone, but it could be very rewarding. Polygamy 411 hasn’t always had an easy go with trying to educated people about polygamy so that they accept it as a part of our Religion-Islam. One expect non-Muslims not to embrace it, but it’s disappointing when Muslims don’t.

    Nonetheless, one shouldn’t be discouraged, but still know the obstacles that one may face.

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

  • Saira

    October 7, 2016

    JazakAllah ana 

    i will defo look in few book store if not I will ask hubby tomorrow to order for me 

     

    inshAllah 

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    Saira, it’s http://www.amazon.co.uk

    Direct link to “The Silent Tears of Polygamy” for UK purchase http://amzn.to/2dZNqAZ

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    Sadyah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Welcome to the blog , my dear sister. Thank you for the lovely post and for joining us. Don’t concern yourself about your English. It’s not what we’re about here. We understand you just fine.

    I’m still trying to sleep and I”m typing on my phone with one finger which is driving me crazy, so Insha Allah, I’ll be back a bit later to chat. I’m so happy you’re here.

    I’m not sure if any of the distributors make the book available in Pakistan. You may need someone in the US, UK or another to send it to you.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2016

    Sister Saira,

    The book is available in the UK online through Amazon. It’s available through many of the bookstore such as Barnes & Noble, Kobo and Lulu. You could check with those online as well ūüôā Thank for your interest and inquiry.

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back a bit later to chat.

  • Saira

    October 7, 2016

    Sister Ana 

    i am very much interested about your book 

    where can I get it in U.K.?

     

  • Saira

    October 7, 2016

    Thank you all for advise 

    I still don’t know where to tell my hub your not¬†

    but I only post comments and have fake name not sure how will he take.

    i won’t feel good until I tell him¬†

    and I know it may won’t go well¬†

    not that am commenting here he will say what if someone find out its me 

    but he knows I read all theses stuff here 

    I will start taking baby step and tell him 

    he might won’t take well but I am thinking to ask few of my mosque college to make a grope for women in polygamy and educate them¬†

    sister sadyah

    am from Pakistan too good to see sister from Pakistan too

  • Sadyah

    October 7, 2016

    Please ignore my mistakes as I am not good in English 

  • Sadyah

    October 7, 2016

    Jannah*

     

  • Sadyah

    October 7, 2016

    I want to read your book and I live in Pakistan.is this available in our country?

    Sister Ana ,I am very curious to read your personal story.i searched it everywhere but I didn’t get it.Its like you didn’t accept polygamy and then you were in and then you accepted it and now make others to accept it.wonderful.may Allah shower his blessings on you ameen.I am so happy that how my reverted and other sisters fight against shaitan Alhamdulillah¬†

    I am not asking to share your story but I should say that you must be so strong and I wish we all could meet in Hannah ameen

  • Sadyah

    October 7, 2016

    Assalam o alaikum my dear sisters,

    ¬†It’s really a very nice place to understand polygamy positively.Although I am a Muslim by birth but everytime the word ‘polygamy’ produces tears in my eyes.o obviously I accept it from my heart and soul as it’s my Lords permission But my emotions made me sad.

    But now ,I am reading all the comments and realizing that there are so many lovely sisters who are going through it and accepting it just because it’s Allah’s command. subhanAllah

    May Allah give you all peace and send you in jannat ul firdous and make fire haram on you all. Ameen

    INNALLAH MA’AS SABIRIN

     

     

  • Umm of2

    October 7, 2016

    Our husbands owe their lives to Ana lol she has made their lives so much better by keeping us in check and reminding us of our Allah constantly and our purpose on this earth. 

  • Umm of2

    October 7, 2016

    Tasliyman 

    Lol I can certainly reminisce with you about Ana’s book. I couldn’t put it down and when I did it was only for a few seconds unless I was going to bed. Even then I would go to sleep and wake up thinking of it. When I first received it I was already reading another book so my intentions was to just read the contents and put it down but I couldn’t stop from there. ¬†I tuned everyone out. I vaguely remember my husband asking me what I was reading multiple times. Whether I responded or not is unknown lol

  • Tasliyman

    October 7, 2016

    Saira, I am so happy that you are doing well. 

    I remember how vulnerable I was when I just came across this blog I was afraid you’d be scared off by the criticism you got so early on. The fact that you took the criticism and did something positive with it is great.¬†

    Well done to you. Keep on taking baby steps and you’ll see big improvements soon Insha Allah.¬†

    I dont think it would be wrong if you dont tell your husband that you post on this blog. It’s anonymous so nobody knows who you really are. If he is the kind of person that you can tell it would be great though. I often discuss topics with my husband that we discuss here. It has helped improve our marriage in a major way. He knows I post here, I’ve even let him read some of the posts that I felt could benefit him. He’s happy that I found this blog as he clearly sees the changes in my behaviour. The only time he was not happy was when I was reading Ana’s book. I couldnt put it down until it was done. He didn’t know what to do because I would be crying but still refuse to stop reading. It was a very awkward time for him.¬†https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

    I made a mess of things this morning though. We had the baby talk AGAIN and I got upset AGAIN because he feels we should wait a bit longer. I’ve realised though that if it is Allah’s plan for me to have another child it will happen. It’s not actually up to my husband. So yes, I’m so happy that I found this blog because it helps to keep me focussed when I get sidetracked. In the past it wouldve taken me days to get over the disappointment, now it took me a few minutes. ¬†

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    Umm of 2,

    I thank you again, my dear sister. I’m so happy I was able to take sincere, unsolicited testimonies to post. Thanks for your support!https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif Alhumdulliah!

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    Mari2,

    You could do it and I think you’ll be fantastic at it. Women who aren’t in a polygamous marriage will probably be way interested in learning more about it. Insha Allah, let us know how it goes.

    I think it’s wonderful that you’re going to take the challenge. Who knows. You may start a chain reaction and group sessions will spring up in many mosque. You’ll be the champion of polygamous marriage awarenesshttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif I could see you being a spokes person for polygamy https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • Mari2

    October 6, 2016

    Ana,

    I will try to initiate said meeting at my mosque. ¬†Here goes….

  • Umm of2

    October 6, 2016

    WA alaikum salaam sis ana 

    aw I see my testimony up there https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

     mashaAllah your book is  very very admirable indeed

  • Jasmina

    October 6, 2016

    I tried to tell my husband once about the blog and i didn’t go down so well so I just decided not to. ¬† This is my only way to discuss my issues with someone otherwise it would get very lonely.

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I put a few of the testimonies from the blog about my book on the website for my book, if you want to take a look http://www.thesilenttearsofpolygamy.com

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    Mari2,

    It would absolutely be nice if there were group sessions at the mosques for women in polygamous marriages to get together for the purposes that you cited. In order for it to happen, I think we women would have to make it happen. I think you would be exceptional at beginning such a group because you’re familiar with all the issues. We can’t wait for the men to put such a group into effect. Men pretty much know nothing about polygamy other than to tell women it’s allowed and we must accept it. Other than that they’ll probably have nothing more to say about it. Oh, yes, I forgot one. They’ll talk about the social ill that polygamy will cure.

    It’s women who have made great strides for women. I think you have an excellent idea though ūüôā

  • Mari2

    October 6, 2016

    Ana,

    My last post to Saira has me wondering why mosques do not offer group sessions for women in polygamous marriages.  I know that I cannot be the only woman attending my mosque that is in such a marriage.  Wouldnt it be nice if women such as I had the opportunity to meet monthly and pray, read Quran, discuss our challenges and find ways to meet those challenges in an Islamic manner?  Wouldnt it be nice for a woman who feels any cultural/familial/societal shame as a polygamous wife to meet others and discover there is no shame Islamically to existing in what Allah has chosen?

  • Mari2

    October 6, 2016

    Saira,

    I agree with Ana that only you can make that call.  My husband, also Pakistani, knows that I write here and read here.  He doesnt know my screen name but I am sure he could figure it out if he wanted to.  At first he was against the notion but I explained to him that sometimes I need to vent, or gain perspective, or learn from other sisters who are in polygamous marriages.  And once he realized that the blog was anonymous and I wasnt sharing anything here that I did not already share in some form with him, he was okay with me posting here.  In fact he much prefers that I share my frustrations with a group of anonymous sisters than his own sisters or other family members.

    Also, some situations here and many lessons I have learned here have opened up conversations between him and I regarding polygamy, Islam and culture. ¬†So M has come to regard this site as positive place for me rather than a threat to his manly manhood ūüôā

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s nice to hear you’re well and all is working out nicely for you.

    As to whether you should let your husband know that you write on this blog, only you can make that call. Only you can determine whether you should let him know or not. You know your husband better than we do. You know if he’ll take your computer privileges away; if he’ll tell you not to write here anymore; if he’ll tell you not to visit the blog anymore; if he’ll read what you’ve written and get angry or if he simply won’t care etc. Do you want him to know what you’ve written? If he knows, you may limit what you write and share, preventing you from getting the advice that you need. You’ve got to do what’s best for you and your marriage.

    My husband has always known that I have this blog and write here. He’s not concerned about it anymore because he knows that I will exercise caution about what I write being that cyberspace now knows my real, true identity. I don’t write about personal stuff anymore as people know my husband and me. Therefore, I don’t air my dirty laundry LOL

  • Saira

    October 6, 2016

    Other thing I wanted to ask all of you 

    that do yous all told or ask your husband /partner permission or tell them you writing in blog and expression your day to day things etc 

    mot just I alway tell my husband and he actually quite possessive and would ask me like day today thing like what I am doing etc and discuss with him and he does same except co matters which I don’t want discuss any more he discuss all day things vd me¬†

    but I been feeling should I tell him about this blog or not 

    he will want to read what I wrote but it’s fine vd me but deep down¬†

    I feel like I am not harming any one 

    by commenting here 

    is that okay if I don’t tell him about this blog and me commenting here ?

  • Saira

    October 6, 2016

    Aslamu Alaykum 

    thanks you all ladies for pointing out for my good and bad mistakes toward my situation 

    I been busy and not so well and never be able to use Internet 

    I have not be able to read and see what’s been happening¬†

    JazakAllah for congralating me for my pregnancy keep me in your Duas.

    i did took all of your advice on board and working on it 

    i been working on my self and not thinking about any thing and just making dua all the time and hubby told me my co and in laws been not good with each other and it’s been weeks he is telling me and I didn’t said why and what happend and all¬†

    my sister in laws connected me few times 

    she is very private person and very much religious I spoke to her many time but she offer to come to her house but I haven’t done so far¬†

    hubby ask me many times and I said we both will go one day 

    but deep down I don’t feel like¬†

    I don’t want to hear any thing what’s been happening¬†

    but I feel like I am not trying to tell hubby why I not going there .

    he been trying to discuss matters with me about all family and co 

    but I always try to ignore and change topic but this morning I had appointment and hubby called me he said he will come and have breakfast. With me 

    I was like it’s not my turn for breakfast¬†

    but he said I said so 

    I was like it’s your house come any time¬†

    Then after breakfast he just said co is doing this doing that 

    I just said to him tell her to Remeber Allah and be happy 

    I told him I seen worse time when no one and even her showed me back and I was left alone in eid 

    now I got over with every thing 

    I can’t be same with any one¬†

    I am there for any one 

    many time she ask him for something like pain killer or meat and veg etc and I did send and received 

    I don’t ask hubby if he be able to give me a day off and speand day with me¬†

    or take me any where or come early for food 

    what ever he been doing I actually said ok 

    and now he MashaAllah relize and doing things right 

    I was thinking when I found co is feeling down and not happy my inside made me ask him to call all over for food 

    and kids will come and will have a day out togather may be 

    then I read all of your comments and felt yes you all right 

    they grown up and I should deal with my own self and not invole my self 

    this is the first time I stood behind and close my mouth and just kept to my self 

    instead of that when hubby ask me if I want to go for date night etc I actually forget all that and making more ebadah and just focusing on my self and Allahs path

    its pitty I see him sad but rather then ask him and discuss all that I been trying to about other general stuff to change his mind 

    all theses things my night her night my time her time all this out of my system now 

    I never felt my self so calm like I do now 

    Hope Allah make easy for all of us 

  • Karima

    October 6, 2016

    I love u all so much u are my oasis!!!! Alahmdulellah I’ll turn to Sllah more!!!?

  • Jasmina

    October 6, 2016

    Karima

    enjoy your kids and your life. Drama like this sucked me dry through my 20s. I don’t even remember where the time went or what I achieved. Make the most of each and everyday working on your own soul and raising your kids. One day the problems seem so bad and another they are gone and you wonder why u even stressed. Not worth it! ¬†

    Make lots of dua for Allah to guide you and you place your full trust in Him and pour your heart out to Allah to guide your every move and navigate you through this tough time so you make the right choices. InshaAllah He will give your what is best.

  • Jasmina

    October 6, 2016

    May Allah forgive me also

  • Karima

    October 6, 2016

    Love u Ana!!! Yes at the moment that’s the wise thing cause already last week when she texted me n all we had big discussions not fighting!! He got the message. ¬†I’m gonna wait a bit n see if he’ll declare sthng ….¬†

  • Karima

    October 6, 2016

    I thought about confronting him with her together! If she won’t come that would show what????

  • Concerned

    October 6, 2016

    Ana

    Ameen. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • Umm of2

    October 6, 2016

    Karima 

    don’t touch the situation with a 9 foot pole. You¬†don’t seem like the type to do a drive by and go to his job. It seems very out of character for you. Don’t let this situation break you or make you look in the mirror one day and not able to recognise the sweet kind hearted karima¬†

  • Umm of2

    October 6, 2016

    Sis Ana

    I agree we shouldn’t assume anything when it comes to karima husband. He can be cleaner than a babies bottom. It’s best to give him the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise ūüôā

    karima

    you shouldn’t put all the blame on yourself. That’s too much to bare. You keep saying you feel bad for the woman she’s probably being lied to and used. Well that’s what she gets for getting herself involved with a married Muslim man. Let her figure her own life out and you yours. Think for a minute your husband is innocent because he very much can be. You could be wasting valuable time accusing him of something he probably did not do. Just leave it let Allah deal with it. Allah is the best settler of affairs. It’s not in your power to bring justice to the situation. Only Allah can. For now, live your life to the fullest. Focus on your kids and teaching. They both bring you so much joy I can tell from reading your posts¬†

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    I pray Allah forgives me and everyone who have said anything wrong on the blog.

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    What a nightmare…

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    It’s really kind of jacked up because the woman isn’t Muslim, so she really shouldn’t encourage him to marry her. On the other hand,if he has been intimate with her, the adulterer is for the adulterer. We need to be careful acusing him of adultery cuz we don’t have four witnesses. He may be smart in not confessing that sin to anyone if he’s committed it. She could take the Shahadah to become Muslim, but it wouldn’t be to serve Allah. It would be to get married-lust.

    I’m kind of thinking for her to stay out of it cuz it’s a convoluted mess.

  • Concerned

    October 6, 2016

    karima

    Im sure there will be massive implications if you do confront him together. Its either that or you just leave it all alone as ana and others have suggested. It depends how far you wiling to go and what your wiling to risk to find out the truth. The truth may not even benefit you. 

     

  • Concerned

    October 6, 2016

    Karima

    It seems you’ve really had enough and can’t feel at ease without knowing one way or another. Is there a way you can meet the other woman and together confront your husband?. If your both there, in front of him he can hardly lie or worm his way out of telling the truth. He may be extremely angry that you went that far, but who could blame you after the games hes playing with you and her. Im not sure how you’d go about it but I cant think of another way to finally get the truth about whats happening. Its just an idea.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    Try not to think about it Think about Allah and not your husband. Allah can benefit you. Your husband can’t.

    All anyone can do is guess what your husband is doing and we’re probably getting ourselves in trouble by doing it. May Allah forgive us.

    Sometimes it’s better not to know certain things. The less we know the better sometimes. Knowing sometimes requires action. Play it safe and stay out their business for now.

    Don’t fight with him. Just let him be. Fighting with him will only aggravate you both and make matters worse. It won’t resolve anything.

    You don’t want to get yourself all worked up and sick, causing yourself health issues. Try to take it easy, sis.

  • Karima

    October 6, 2016

    Sis Ana!!! Alahmdulellah it’s not always easy not to pick up a fight go to his work n confront him to finally spill it in my face what’s happening! ¬† Indirectly he let me understood this woman is always around…. but not as his wife… at least not yet…. sigh….. I’m sure she ll contact me again I have this feeling… I’ll let u know…. maybe H is two faced hyproxrite person I don’t know what t think anymore… he’s not unfair to me directly but to the other woman n to his soul sigh!! But I told him last week God is forgiving but till when to repeat the same sins? ¬†If he really wronged her one way or another he will pay it ll all come back to him sigh!!! ¬†But as I told u I think he s jerking around with her,sorry for my language, but then again I could be wrong!!!! ¬†Honestly I feel trapped!!! I’m not strong enough to leave H…. cause he is a lying double crosser adulterer sigh

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    Concerned,

    You’re correct though. The ayah I had cite pertained to those who willing went to the other sides. The one you cited deals with, as it states, captives and slaves. If they were married, it doesn’t matter. They become lawful to the capturers.

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    Allah says exercise patience in all that betides us. It’s apparent it’s not time for you to leave him now cuz you can’t. Allah sees and knows all things. He knows your intentions. Don’t stress yourself out about it. Leave it in Allah’s hands.

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    Concerned,

    Thanks for sharing the ayah with me. I’m just going to leave that matter alone until Allah gives me clear understanding of it since it doesn’t affect me or anyone I know right now.

  • Karima

    October 6, 2016

    She’s not a Muslim. Husband never said he cheated h always denied it very firmly!! I don’t believe him. I’m tired of this but at the moment I can’t leave due t the small kids

  • Concerned

    October 6, 2016

    Ana

    If you dont mind. I like to cite  part of an ayah that pertains specifically married female captives of war (because that is the subject matter) 

    “Also (forbidden) are women already married (except) those (captives and slaves) whom your right hand possesses. Surah 4 ayah 24

    The ayah you mentioned relates to women who willing left the non muslim husband to embrace Islam. Not women who were captured at war. The ayah before the one you mentioned  makes it clear muslim men and women are not lawful for non muslim men and women. The marriage contract is invalid. 

    Im just getting up and (as usal) you’ll be catching some shut eye. Hope to speak with you later in shaa Allah.¬†https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    I know I’ve asked you this before, but I keep forgetting – is she Muslim?

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    But, you’re right, Jasmina. Maybe she’s a liar. Who knows. It doesn‚Äôt seem right. He hasn’t denied having been involved with her.

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    as in “believer”. Maybe he already left Islam. Nonetheless, she could only make her intention snd wait on Allah‚Äôs decision, is how I see it. We could suggest she leaves, whichever means nothing, if it’s not time-Allah ‘s time

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    Is there any such thing as a believing adulterer?

  • Jasmina

    October 6, 2016

    Has he admitted to cheating though? Maybe ask him if he told her to abort the child for you Karima and the kids. That’s an admission. Yeah I couldn’t deal¬†with a cheater, just for the mere fact that he doesn’t fear Allah. I do wonder Islamically what your position is though, I know if he leaves Islam or doesn’t practice the woman must leave the marriage but I don’t know about cheating. Patience is best perhaps. Tough.¬†

  • Karima

    October 6, 2016

    Sis Ana yes you are right thanks for the advice!!!! I will tell him again sometime soon isnhallah that he needs to do the right thing!!! I told him last week he’s destroying his soul with Zina either with her or with others. I can be calmer now I told him cause I don’t love him like before n can see things more clearly. ¬†If nothing changes I’m sure she ll contact me again as she has always done in the last 2 years but I’m sure Allah will reveal stuff when the time is right n isnhallah make it easier for me to divorce if that’s whats written for me! ¬†Or isnhallah make Him change amin. ¬†

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    Karima,

    It’s good you advised him that he should marry her or end it with her. I don’t know why he asks you a dumb @$$ question. How should you know why she calls or text you? You’re not her. Does he think she jumps out her skin and you jump in? dah You can only do as you said – guess. Anyhow, it’s not what she’s doing. It’s what he, your husband, the man whom you are married to is doing. She said she tries to end it with him, but he goes sniffing behind her every 30 days or so. He really needs to get himself together.

    The way I see it is you should be patient. Keep turning to Allah. Your husband will either do the right thing or maybe Allah will remove the love completely from your heart for him snd remove you from the marriage. Don’t blame yourself for any of it. Stay strong. Maybe tell him once more that if he doesn’t straighten up and fly right, you’re out of there.

  • Karima

    October 6, 2016

    he made me usnerstand he ll handle it…. I told him I expect u to come n tel him I’m going to marry her or i married her or that it’s over!!!! ¬†Till when I’m supposed to sit n wait to see that happen?¬†

  • Karima

    October 6, 2016

    Ahhhh Ana!!!! It’s difficult indeed. ¬†Last week i told him either he marries her or end it with her cause Zina is a serious sin!!!! ¬†He said ok ok. ¬†N he said but why she keeps texting u n all? ¬†I told him either she s desperate n in a lot of pain n hopes I’ll leave u so she can have u or because u are lying to her n tries to hurt u by upsetting me n all??? ¬†Just guessing here…I can’t keep asking him every day about that can I? ¬†He told me

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2016

    Karima,

    AsSalaamu Alaikum, Sis Karima,

    I find your situation to be bizarre. It’s unlike any other. Anyway you look at it, it seems your husband is doing wrong, if his other is being truthful with you. If she admitted to having an abortion they obviously had sex. The abortion in and of itself is wrong. If they aren’t married, he’s committing adultery, which you know is a heinous sin. If they are married, he’s made her a side dish secret and is not treating her fairly. You hsve let him know that you won’t stand in the way if them marrying and won’t leave him. What more does he need to msn up and make it right?

    This is way more than you accepting polygamy. You don’t even know if it is polygamy. It could be mere adultery. You are really going to need to turn to Allah for help and guidance as you may need to eventually divorce him. Accepting polygamy is one thing. Accepting an adulterer is another.

  • Karima

    October 6, 2016

    She told me she tried so many times to break it off cause she s fed up of his lies n promises . ¬†He usually leaves her alone for about a month she says but then he contacts her n all. ¬†She loves him she told me but she has to accept they can’t be together n all. So I told her last week when she texted me out of the blue again fro now on I’m not against her or them if they want to get married they don’t need my permission I’m not threatening with divorce H like I used to. I neeed to see the reality n accept it. ¬†I told them both that. I have two young kids I can’t support them at the moment still love H so I’m staying. We are fine I got used to their thing somehow as long as she doesn’t contact me n rub it in my face. H never talks of her!!! N again she said how we come first we are everything to Him n that’s why he sent her for abortion around 2 years ago!!! She told me about that in December too. U think I’m happy for her sufferings? I am not.she is lost n only has H as her solution to her low self esteem n little confidence. She doesn’t know why she exists. The thing is no matter how much better H is than the men I know or heard of he is still lying to her n in regards to her n all. ¬†Inshallah either he’s married n still scared of my reaction n still lies or he s using her. ¬†Let them solve it what more I can do ?

  • Jasmina

    October 5, 2016

    Karima

    Yes it sounds more like he is playing with her and lying to her. He is completely to blame. Men need to own up to their stupidity. But everyone is human and deserves chances. Whoever she is I hope she comes to her senses and realises this and finds someone that will be willing to give her a decent relationship. How sad. Don’t let her nonsense het to you, if your husband is good to you then you are better off them so many other women already so Alhamdulillah.

  • Karima

    October 5, 2016

    sorry I sound as if I m blaming her again for all that Happened. We are all to be blamed!!!! I have responsibility too!!! Allah knows best!!!

    the diary thing is not working for me

  • Karima

    October 5, 2016

    he doesn’t hate me perhaps he’s missing excitement that’s what he does what he does who knows? But I’m not 20 years anymore, I have two young kids no family around trying t accept my carreer is finished n do some teaching instead n also trying t digest n accept he could be married or will be to that woman who did what she did to me!!! But I feel sorry for her too cause God knows how she feels about Him what lies he told her etc. someone said some time ago maybe she doesn’t have the wife qualities needed to become his other wife, who knows? Maybe with time she will become suited . Maybe he wants to keep her in The side . ¬†Bottom line she exists but I’ll survive inshallah¬†

  • Karima

    October 5, 2016

    Jasmina

    alhamdulellah he treats me well he always has!!!! ¬†We have the issues married couples usually have from time to time… as I said before if that woman never contacted me to upset me n hurt me n rub photo of them in my face my love for H would keep going strong…. but what’s done is done, ¬† I guess she was/ is in pain:( I hope we can move on slowly slowly n things will get better for all of us. ¬†H said if he was to be re married he would tell me, I should know of his intention he said. So far he said nothing so there you have it. If there’s sthng to happen it will I guess…he could be lying n playing tricks not so much against me but against. To the other woman, who knows? I leave it in God s hands¬†

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2016

    “And if any of your wives deserts you to the Unbelievers, and ye have an accession (by the coming over of a woman from the other side), then pay to those whose wives have deserted the equivalent of what they had spent (on their dower). And fear Allah, in Whom ye believe.” Surah 60, ayah 11

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2016

    Concerned, I’m certain there is an ayah in the Quran that addresses that a husband of a woman who came from the other side should be paid the dowry that he had spent on her. I just don’t have it at my finger tips. Insha Allah, I’ll get it for you.

  • Jasmina

    October 5, 2016

    Karima

    dont be so hard on yourself, I’m sure your husband loves you and this hard time will pass inshallah. ¬†I went through long periods where I thought my husband hated me. It wasn’t the case but men just react differently to a situation and it’s usually by distancing themselves.

    i have done the self challenges on myself before where I just give him space and it has worked but then I forget and get back to my old self. The first time I tried this it took him about 3 months to come around and ease up on me. Now it takes a week. ¬†Things are improving. I’m by no means saying it’s our fault as women but men just don’t know how to deal with their emotions I guess and when they feel disrespected it’s what they do, they show us no love whatsoever.¬†

    Have you tried journaling? That helps me sometimes, even if it’s just sending all the nasty things you have to say to your husband ¬†via a text message to yourself.¬†

    Try to read at least an hour of Quran a day if you don’t already and remember Allah when you feel sad.

    Stay strong. 

  • Jasmina

    October 5, 2016

    I thought captives were freed once they embraced Islam in which those wouldn’t apply to a Muslim woman.¬†

    Okay I’m out!¬†

     

  • Concerned

    October 5, 2016

    I see what you mean, although iv never heard of it. But it seems unlikely and dangerous that a man would approach his enemy with a pocket full of cash for his wife thats just been captured. That is of they can find him (so they bring the woman along to identify the right man) or he could be dead. I cant see it being plausible in a state of war. Whats the proof for this? 

    I love to learn and talk about Islam, I could go on all night. I probably won’t, but you know what I mean.¬†https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2016

    As we can see, a wife; one who the right hand possesses; and a slave all need to be defined. It’s interesting, but it goes beyond the scope of the blog. It was good conversation. I suppose we could get back to polygamy if you all want to. If anyone runs across anything definitive about it in the Quran, feel free to share it with us.

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2016

    When the woman comes over from the other side and becomes Muslim, the man has to pay the woman’s husband on the other side what the husband has paid her for the dowry.

  • Concerned

    October 5, 2016

    My main point was if a man has a female slave (what his right hand possesses) he is allowed to have sex with her. How she becomes ‘what his right hand possesses’ is another subject. Wives are not the only females valid for a man. A person cannot pick a free person, male or female and make them a slave.¬†

    Ana

    Im very sure that if the man or woman embraces Islam and their spouse doesn’t the marriage contract is invalidated. I dont think any muslim believes men can go round collecting women for sex. Its a small part of marriage and even smaller part of ‘what your right hand possesses’¬†

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2016

    Some people probably mistakenly believe that men could simply go collect women for sex. It goes against what we as Muslim know that one shouldn’t marry out of lust. There is more to marriage than sex.

  • Karima

    October 5, 2016

    Thanks Concerned and thanks Ana!!! Alahmdulellah 

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2016

    Concerned,

    Thank you for expounding on the subject. I agree that we shouldn’t dismiss that “a person whom the right hand possess” exists the same as we shouldn’t dismiss polygamy. The difference is we all know people who are actually living polygamy even if we ourselves aren’t. We probably know no one who is married and dealing with a person whom his right hand possess or a woman who is that possession.

    Based on polygamy as we know it, I don’t see the need for men to not straight up marry women. I don’t see a need for a man to associate any woman with being a possession that’s not worthy of marriage.

    There is a situation in the Quran in which Allah speaks of women coming over from the other side during a war. If the woman accepts Islam she is no longer lawful to her non-Muslim husband. She is still married to the non-Muslim husband though; therefore she can’t marry any of the Muslim men on the side that she has now joined. She would be considered one of the person’s whom the right hand possess to the person whom care she is now under. It wouldn’t make sense that the Muslims would go to the enemy and get a divorce decree so the Muslims could marry the revert to Islam.

    I could see it happening today if a woman is married and she can’t find her husband. She becomes Muslim and wants to marry. The husband can’t be found and she becomes a person who the man possesses. Divorce is required before a married person can marry another. What if the non-Muslim husband won’t give the new revert a divorce. She could still have a life similar to marriage with a Muslim man and would be considered a person whom his right hand possess.

    Barring those type of situations, it would be dangerous for a man to think he could have a woman whom he isn’t married to, mistaking an affair/adultery/mistress for something that is allowed. If it resembles adultery then how could a man claim a “concubine” as being a legitimate option. It’s not a valid option.

  • Concerned

    October 5, 2016

    Also because I was specifically refrering to the female slave because a man cannot have sex with a male slave (Ewww) and a woman connot have sex with her male or female slave. Concubine seemed to fit. Maybe I was wrong to use that word. 

  • Concerned

    October 5, 2016

    Ana

    I say “concubine”¬†because it means a female who lives with a man but has a lower status than his wife. A slave has a lower status than the wife and some of the conditions are to house them similar to you (usally they’d stayed in the same house or close by) feed them food simialr to yours and clothe them similar to what you wear. But because she is a slave, she still has a lower status. I couldn’t remember the Arabic term for slave, but they usally dont translate it as some of the harsh words that are associated with cruelty or degrading terms. So “what your right hand possesses” is not a ‘free’ person (for whatever reason) that you have a responsibility for.¬†

    I think if a man had a wife and a slave. The woman would more than likely react and feel similar to when he married another woman. The only things the slave wouldn’t get is A, a right to the mans time and B the status of wife. I put the two together in my post to jasmina, because those along with a few other issues people either like/agree with them or they dont like/agree with them and pretend like it isn’t part of Islam or isn’t valid for these times.¬†

    When I said polygamy is like having a concubine/slave/what ones right hand possesses. I mean both are part of islam, both are permissible (when the conditions are met), both are in Quran. 

    We definitely shouldn’t dismiss it (I Think) because the world hasn’t ended yet and there may be a ‘just’ war between muslims and non muslims. It may happen in our life time and I think its better to be prepared with knowledge than it is to not be. I like to have a little bit of knowledge about everything in Islam.¬†

    If I didn’t quite answer the question let me know.¬†https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif

     

     

  • Karima

    October 5, 2016

    I want to believe there are good honest Muslim men out there who either in monogamous or polygamous marriages have. Happy life with their wives treating them with kindness of course n providing them but also have the special love bond …: I thought I had it with H… I’m also trying to do what Jasmina is doing not complaining not commenting n all… It’s not working I think cause i keep it all in and I eat to feel good n happy… Sweets for happiness … I want to believe not all men change women like shirts!!! Anyway I care for my daughter now to have a better H inshallah to have a real honest communication love n care, care to see the wife happy, not by doing her favors but taking into consideration her need to!!! Maybe I’m a dreamer? Sigh

  • Karima

    October 5, 2016

    Anabella thank you for insisting on a clarification. Honestly I’m still confused but I thought no one wanted to touch the subject concubine so I gave it a rest… So a concubine is not one of what the right hand possesses- female slave captured in war?????¬†

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2016

    Concerned,

    The question was more so directed to you since Jasmina has let us know where she was coming from. You went on to say the topic of “concubines” is just like the topic of polygamy and we shouldn’t dismiss it.

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2016

    “Slaves” and people “who the right hand possess” are mentioned in the Quran, but where are the “concubines.” I just want to know because apparently I’ve missed something and I want to be informed. I know “concubine” is a biblical expression.

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2016

    If one is saying there are Muslim men in polygamous marriages who have mistresses, how does it relate to polygamy.

    There are men of all nationalities and faiths who commit adultery, have affairs, have mistresses, so what does it have to specifically do with polygamy?

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2016

    I’m sorry, but I must say I can’t recall reading anything about any “concubines” in the Quran. Please let me know where they are mentioned in the Quran. Allah does speak of those “whom the right hand possess.” Who says they are the same as a “concubine”?

  • Jasmina

    October 5, 2016

    Thanks Karima and Ummof2

  • Umm of2

    October 5, 2016

    I’m about to cry. Just lost a post

    Jasmina

    i was saying Lol I think men are that simple, life is that simple we just tend to complicate it all. as the saying goes happy wife happy life. I think often times men feed off their wives energy so if we’re complaining and whining they’ll get angry and think nothing they do is appreciated ¬†sis Ana may Allah bless you perpetually for this platform. It’s the only support I have most of the time.

    karima

    i am seeing such a huge difference in you through your posts. You’re doing way good. Here for u sis.¬†

     

    Ummof4 

    i love the way you swoop in and out dropping pearls of wisdom. Allah bless you. 

  • Karima

    October 5, 2016

    I liked your recent post, apart from ur health issue I hope it’s not cancer!!!

  • Karima

    October 5, 2016

    Jasmina

    i admire you mashallah n wish u nothing but the best!!!! 

     

  • Umm of2

    October 5, 2016

    Jasmina

    I will make dua for you. I cannot imagine the waiting period, waiting to know if it’s in fact cancer or not, benign or what have you. InshaAllah it’s all good.¬†

  • Jasmina

    October 5, 2016

    Concerned

    No worries sister it’s all good. So long as silent readers do not get the wrong impression Alhamdulillah. Either way, we keep each other in check with is always a good thing

  • Jasmina

    October 5, 2016

    Yes Ana 

    i cannot believe all this time has passed. I’m exhausted. We certainly have come a looong way, I’ve certainly matured and smartened up a little. ¬†The blog is a great service to so many women struggling with polygamy, may Allah reward you. Many time women struggling with this or even abuse at home they go to the Internet many times before going to get any help from somewhere else, and I think the blog gives women confidence to get that help if they need it or just to vent which is always something we women need to do from time to time. Importantly we can create friends with other women married to polygamous husbands and it’s always easier to relate to. Alhamdulillah¬†

    thank you for your well wishes! We shall see, I’ve been putting it off so I can ignore the result but now that they’ve found another one and I’m not doing so great I want to get to the bottom of it.¬†

  • Concerned

    October 5, 2016

    Jamina

    This is the last ill speak of it. I only mentioned concubines because you said muslim men dont sleep with women who arent their wives. You made it sound like having a concubine is something that only non muslims do. This is wrong. Its in the Quarn, just like polygamy is. Their are details to polygamy just like their is for concubines. We cant say we dont want parts of it, because thats saying a person doesn’t want parts of Quran.

    ¬†No, a man cant just walk along the steet, grab a woman and say, hey, your my concubine now. Who would even think that anyway? Shying away from this issue is exactly what some women have done with polygamy. They say it doesn’t apply to me, so I dont want to discuss it, till they find themselves in polygamy.

    Learning (a little) about this issue actully helped me with my polygamous situation because I was one of the women who used the story of fatima (the prohets daughter) to not accept polygamy. That was untill I found out that Ali (her husband) had many concubines and had children by them. So I didnt have a leg to stand on, my issue was my husband was going to be intimate with someone else, and this was not the issue for fatima. You see when we learn, read and accept ALL of the Quran life becomes easier for us. Furthermore the ayah relating to polygamy was revealed AFTER a war, this leads people to believe polygamy is ONLY for wars times, which is incorrect. Its for whenever the conditions are met. Same as having a concubine. 

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2016

    I’m sitting here, watching for the first time the show”Born This Way” about the down syndrome people. It is sooooo cute LOL

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2016

    Thank you, Jasmina. Didn’t we all come a long way since the earlier version of the blog? Alhumdulliah! ūüôā

    I pray it all come back benign, sis. Keep the faith and stay strong my dear sister. You’re going to be just fine {hugs}

  • Jasmina

    October 5, 2016

    Gail

    hiiii yes still holding on. Things are improving, taking 2 steps forward and one backward but much better than last year where it was two forward and 10 backwards. ?

    Life is much better Alhamdulillah. ¬†Recently I’ve challenged myself to go a whole month without complaining, whinging, demanding, getting smart, or talking back to my husband or going crazy on him lol. I didn’t think it was a problem but I’m like oh what the heck I’m over fighting not worth it, I need to relax. ¬†So a couple of days and I’ve almost bitten my tongue off and I have a list of complaints lol… But a few extra days and he is back to being so graceful and nice and now I’m wondering if men are really that simple lol. I need to pick my fights wisely.

     

  • Jasmina

    October 5, 2016

    Ana

    im still reading the book. It was during my hardest time that I read your first blog and so when I read it it brings back so many feelings I cry so much and so I enjoy reading it during those times I am at my lowest as it really picks me up. InshaAllah I’ll finish it soon. Love it so far!!

  • Jasmina

    October 5, 2016

    Ummof4

    thats great news. I’m very happy oh are cancer free. Gives me much hope, I’m waiting to get a biopsy on a mass they found and as I’m waiting for biopsy they found another during an ultrasound for something unrelated. InshaAllahnits benign. Khair inshaAllah.¬†

     

     

  • Karima

    October 5, 2016

    Ummof4

    alhamdulellah u are well!!!

  • Umm of2

    October 5, 2016

    InshaAllah he won’t. I can’t stand him with a passion

    oh you’re welcome. You have no idea I feel like I’m stuck in the book I can’t get out of it. I fell in love with the characters lol. I want to read it again. I feel like I didn’t get closure even though I did it’s strange haha. Hats off to you sis¬†

    ummof4

    Allah is so Kind your cancer hasn’t reared its ugly head again. My family joined one of the first walks this month as my aunt was recently diagnosed with breast cancer early this year. She got a double mastectomy. Alhamdullilaah they caught it very very early on. She just randomly got ¬†a mammogram and whoop there it was¬†

    surely it was a test for her and us. 

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2016

    Umm of 2, Sis, thanks again for the feedback on the book. I greatly appreciate it. It’s very helpful to me ūüôā

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2016

    Sis Umm of2, you just don’t know how much I can’t wait for this election to be over. Lol I don’t know what I will do if that man becomes president. It will be the end of civilization in the United States. Oh my goodnesd. I’ve got the news on TV all day and night, watching and waiting and hoping he says something else thst’s crazy. The man is a lunatic. I just dunno what the world has come to SMH

  • Umm of2

    October 5, 2016

    I, too think it’s quite amazing to have written a book. So many will benefit from it centuries and centuries down the line I have no doubt about it. It was an absolute page turner, extremely well written. Every detail was so clear and comprehensible. I love it.¬†

  • Umm of2

    October 5, 2016

    LOL sis Ana you had me laughing so much when you mentioned trusting trump with the nuc codes ???that guy is a joke I don’t know how ppl take him seriously.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2016

    Jasmina, thank you for helping me understand. Insha Allah, I’ll be back to chat more later ūüôā

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2016

    Gail,

    I don’t know if anyone will be around to read the book, if Trump becomes President of the US, and we have a nuclear war. Yah know what I’m saying?https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif Do you really trust that man having the nuclear code?https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • Gail

    October 5, 2016

    Jasmina,

     Hey how r are u still hanging in there? I hope things have gotten better for u and your little boy.

  • Gail

    October 5, 2016

    Ana,

    ¬†I am so jealous u get to go on so many vacationsssss.I still haven’t got that far to actually travel but hopefully in the future hubby and I will be able to to hit some countries.We are trying to plan a trip back to Pakistan oct of next year so the kids can go back and enjoy some time with their cousins.My sister inlaw and her husband are in doing alot of traveling they r in Mecca right now.That cool alex is working on his PHD sounds like he is a smart cookie you must be really proud of him.I think u did awesome with writing your book I really think it will help alot of people.I love the fact that a persons story can go down in a book and be there for all the world to see even after your long gone.Some young woman or man could pick your book up 100 yrs from now and touch them in a profound way.Maybe I am being weird but it’s such a cool thought to me.

  • Jasmina

    October 4, 2016

    I initially said that many non-Muslim men take protitutes and concubines and have affairs. That was how I brought it up and then another person added saying that it’s Muslim men can have 4 wives 10s concubines and there’s nothing wrong with that and from there the discussion continued about this… I don’t want to because I brought up the topic in a different context and I don’t want to have the discussion about the Muslim men that have concubines because I know nothing off it as putting a statement that men can do this without explanation is not something I want to be a part of. I hope that explains how I brought it up.

  • Jasmina

    October 4, 2016

    First time I read Quran cover to cover I was 14. I understood zilch even though it was in English translation. It helped to watch lectures and read books about different topics authored many early scholars and some of today. Now that I’m older and I have a better understanding of the language and vocabulary and some knowledge on the history I understand can read Quran and understand and put some things into context. Even then though it does help to read about when Ayat was revealed and why, it helps to put things into context. Somethings I need further clarification, others are plain and simple. Like the Ayat about men taking on more wives, I never thought this related to orphans and it’s an Ayat I’d always quote left right and centre without true understanding, u til now that I’ve looked further into it. That’s just me personally. Alhamdulillah.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    Again, I don’t know in what context the topic of “concubines” was brought up. I must have just saw the word and skipped over it in the initial post.

    You lost me. How could you say you brought up the concubine topic but want no association with the discussion. Why did you bring it up then https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Jasmina

    October 4, 2016

    Lazy*

  • Jasmina

    October 4, 2016

    I brought up the concubine topic but I don’t want to be associated with the discussion as I have zero knowledge on the topic. A stupid man looking for answers reading this would just be like oh okay I can take women on the side. For those men reading such count me out, that’s all, you can read from the more educated people on blog Or scholars (no shame for those that have dedicated their lives in Islamic knowledge passing it on, not like we have a hierarchy in Islam) or if you’re not lady then go find the answers yourself. Nothing wrong with that.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    I could appreciate you saying that no one here on this blog could answer the question with knowledge oppose to making it seem that only a scholar knows-that the scholars could debate it and figure it out. To elude to something such as it is so misleading for most Muslims on the planet. It encourages them to rely on someone such as a scholar to tell them the meaning of what is in the Holy Quran and rule on it. It misleads Muslims in that it causes them to think they don’t need to read the Quran for themselves because they aren’t scholars and can’t understand the Quran. They think they aren’t intelligent enough to read it and learn it, which is sooooo untrue. As I said before, Allah says that He is the One who guides. Allah says that He will only guide those who seek His guidance. He says He teaches. A Muslim is capable of turning to Allah, reading the Quran and getting understanding from it. Allah didn’t give us a book that a Muslim who strives to serve and worship Him can’t understand.

    Having people rely on a so called scholar is a major problem that exists and it could be a tool of Satan to keep Muslims from the Truth. Look at how many people rely on scholars and end up oppressing women and children. Where do you think Isl/Isis teachings are coming from???

    I’ll never forget a person who came to the older version of the polygamy 411 blog and cited about five different types of people a person needs to sit down with to read and understand the Quran. The person said we need all five of them, not 1, 2, 3, or 4, but all 5. Do you know how crazy that sounds? A person named “Donald” who was a non-Muslim was on this blog then and even he said it made no sense. He said what is the guy saying – that only the elite can understand the Quran? The Quran is for ALL man (mankind) and all times.

  • Jasmina

    October 4, 2016

    No one here could answer the question with knowledge. 

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    What good news! Alhumdulliah that you have been and are cancer free ūüôā

  • ummof4

    October 4, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    A completely different topic-October is breast cancer month.¬† I was diagnosed with it 5 years ago this week.¬† Alhamdulillah, I’ve been cancer-free since my radiation treatments.¬† Just a reminder for you ladies to do monthly breast checks and get regular mammograms or other screenings after 40, or earlier if advised by bonafide health professionals.¬† Support research and care by donating or participating in the walks that are happening all over the US this month.

     

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    Why is everyone on the planet all jacked up if the scholars could guide? They’re doing a poor job.

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    Islam is simple. It’s not complicated. Allah says He has made the Quran easy to understand and remember. People are the ones who make it complicated and make it seem as though only a scholar or an Iman or some person like that has the knowledge. Allah guides whom He decides to guide. Allah in the Quran in one Surah alone repeatedly says He has made the Quran easy to understand and remember. He decides whom He guides. Righteousness is the only title that is recognizes in the Quran. Allah never mentioned anything about any scholars in the Quran. a scholar can’t give anyone anything. Only Allah can guide

  • Jasmina

    October 4, 2016

    Reading articles online*

  • Jasmina

    October 4, 2016

    It’s something that has been way too over simplified In this discussion and could be misunderstood. ¬†There are very strict rulings on this and Allah has limited and eradicated Slavery hundreds of years ago which makes it very rare these days. It’s a discussion for scholars. ¬†We can only speculate unless you have studied it in depth. Reading islands doesn’t count lol. Im still learning about polygamy let alone slavery and right hand possess. ¬† Irrelevant discussion to me.

    my original comment about affairs and concubines was in relation to men this day and age and “all free people”… Duh!! ¬†It is not okay

    I said non-Muslims have affairs, some have concubines etc. other day I watched a program of a man in Philippine who had I think 50 concubines and a wife. 

    Muslim men thinking it’s okay to have extra marital relationships should tread carefully and fear Allah.¬†

    Concerned you said a Muslim man can have 4 wives and 10s of concubines. Sister the other women here are freaking out, plus the way you said it reads as though any Muslim man can do this. It is not correct so be careful with this it could mislead someone. Men out there, no you cannot go searching for women on the side okay. Unless you are engaged in a defensive war and being attacked by non-Muslims and then tick all the other hundreds of boxes okay. 

    Seriously I’m sorry if I sparked this conversation and so is like to end it please.¬†

     

     

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    I just briefly spoke about it with my wali. He said that during the time of War when people snatched up a woman they couldn’t marry the woman because they didn’t know if she was already married and/or divorced. Divorce is very important. A man cannot marry a woman who’s already married.Therefore she would be considered one who the persons right hand possess. I’m driving now so I’ll check in later InshaAllah

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    Karima, I totally understand you, sis. I think I totally missed the first post about concubines or maybe I saw the word and just didn’t read it. No you don’t you don’t have to worry about it. I don’t think anyone really cares about concubines. We do of course care about the women who are being enslaved by ISIS but concubine on any other level is pretty much a moot conversation to me.

  • Karima

    October 4, 2016

    Yes my dear Sis I understand!!! And I feel you are soft hearted like me too…. And yes no point debating about that matter, that wasn’t my intention at all. It just got me by surprise the original comment about the concubines. I was thinking it’s not enough I worry about that woman n her real intentions, husband and his lies, husband and his other affairs ( if it’s true what that woman said) now I have to worry about 10 s of concubines too?? I don’t know if i made myself understood??!!!!

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    I hear you, Karima, I feel for people who are being oppressed. I don’t mind talking about them as one could see, I post from time to time videos of some of the oppression. I can’t however get with debating or conversing about the pros and cons, ins and outs or whys etc about ” people who is one right hand possessed” or concubines. It’s the same with polygamy. I don’t want us on the blog to uselessly debate about polygamy and whether it should exist etc

  • Karima

    October 4, 2016

    I’m not worried about that I’m sure she is not a concubine she is either the secret wife or about to be a wife. Isnhallah. Better than to commit Zina. ¬†I think islam question n answer website is a trustworthy one. Ana pls delete my comment if im not supposed to mention a website. ¬†Personally I feel for all women being mistreated either Muslim or not¬†

  • Karima

    October 4, 2016

    Allah knows best indeed

  • Concerned

    October 4, 2016

    Marah s

    Thanks for the additional details. Yes, Maria and safia did become wives. No I dont bother to comments on any wars as I dont have the knowledge to speak on it. 

    Ana

    “As long as they dont capture me or anyone I no im not concerned” love it.

    Karima

    If worried your husbands other might be a concubine its highly unlikely. Men are better off marrying women they want to be responsible for and  have sex with. I second what marah s said to you. 

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    Allah gives understanding to whom He wills and when He wills.

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    Me, my husband and no one we know or have known possesses any slaves, so, as I stated, I’m not going to concern myself about it. My understanding is ISL/ISIS has them and as long as they don’t capture me or anyone I know, I’ m not concerned about it. Some Muslims like to sit around and engage in debate and vain talk about about certain subjects that are best left alone.

  • Marah S

    October 4, 2016

    Concerned, 

    You are correct about the slaves/concubines “what your right hand possesses”. I don’t know anything about wars and which wars are legitimate and which wars aren’t. I have heard also different opinions about the wars right now, but I don’t bother myself with that because it doesn’t apply to me. When asked about it I just say Allah knows best. But I do know that it is allowed in Islam for men to have as many slaves as he wishes to aquire and he is allowed to sleep with all of them even if there were 10 of them. You are correct about the wife of the prophet Maria originally being a slave as well as his wife Safia was originally slave. But once they accepted Islam and married him they were no longer slaves, they were free Muslim women and legitimate wives and equal to the other wives. A lot of the companions had slaves but that is because there were more legitimate wars at that time. I don’t think concubines/slavery is something any of us needs to worry about, all of us are already Muslim women and no one is going to enslave us.

    karima,

    please be careful when reading online about slavery in Islam, there is a lot of misinformation and hate when it comes to this subject. It is in the Quran so we do have to accept it, but becareful who you take information from.

  • Karima

    October 4, 2016

    Yes , in the right circumstances, that i understand. Thanks for clarifying Concerned

  • Concerned

    October 4, 2016

    There are a lot of details about POW/slaves/concubines ¬†(I cant remember the Arabic term) They come under the title of ‘what your right hand possesses’. They can be acquired through war but there are other ways. A person can ‘give’ themselves, but like I said theres a lot of details. Theres also a lot of details about what is a ‘just’ war so I cant comment on weather that is happening now. Some say yes, some say no. Yes, a man can have sex with what his right hand possesses. Iv never heard of a limit to the amout of slaves one can keep, and the option to have sex with them seems open to however many a man has.¬†

    Umar had children ( 2 I think) from ‘what his right hand possesses’ so did a few other compainions. Maria the mother of Ibrahim ¬†(The prohets son) was a slave. So if anyone finds sex with ‘what your right hand possesses’ disgraceful, then they have a problem with whats written in Quran.¬†

    I thought this was common knowledge amoungst the muslims. Not the details, but one should definitely know its allowed in the right circumstances. 

  • Karima

    October 4, 2016

    Sorry but i have a daughter i make dua to Allah for her n all good muslim daugthers out there to be married With a good correct muslim. I care less about H , i love him of course but not as before, n im Being careful n vigilant.  He is a calm polite smiling lovable person. Quite a catch i am sure;) lol. Any way its for my daughter i worry n all women out there who are mistreated or will be astagfirullah!!!!  Why men can be soooo bad mean n more to Poor women? Sigh!!!!

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    I assumed it was something along those lines. To have concubines without going to war? That’s preposterous. The subject of concubines is outside my level of expertise ūüôā

  • Karima

    October 4, 2016

    So i read from trustworthy saudi i think website That concubines- Slaves, prisoners of war can only be taken when muslim are engaged With war against the kafr.  Nothing of that is happening now is it? Is there officially a war taken place against the unbelievers?   If what i posted is wrong pls correct me! 

  • Umm of2

    October 4, 2016

    Men can have sex with 10’s of concubines and it’s not disgraceful (perplexed face) concerned sis that was so left field.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    LOL

  • Karima

    October 4, 2016

    The emotions are for u Ana!! 

  • Karima

    October 4, 2016

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    Sis Karima, I”m well, Alhumdulliah! It’s how I roll, too – one day at a time ūüôā

  • Karima

    October 4, 2016

    Sis Gail its good to Hear You are doing well!!!

  • Karima

    October 4, 2016

    Salam!!! If someone knows Sthng about the concubines With proof pls comment! Did i miss reading about it in the Quran??? 

    i hope You are well dear sis Ana!!! Im talking one day at a time Alhamdulellah 

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Karima

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    I don’t know anything about it. Don’t really care to know.

  • Karima

    October 4, 2016

    Salam is it true about the Concubine s that Concerned mentioned? I never heard of that …

  • Jasmina

    October 4, 2016

    Hi Gail

    miss you. Great to hear you are doing well. 

  • Jasmina

    October 4, 2016

    Concerned 

    well that’s good you changed your mind Alhamdulillah. ¬†The way I see it is to judge based on my own feelings and needs unless there is evidence otherwise. I love my husband and want the best for my family and I don’t mind splitting his time so he can care for his other family. His other wife is trying to break us up but she is also suffering from what I see and I was there once so I can overlook as I have enough confidence in my relationship with my husband now. We are a rock. ¬†It’s not until he starts to give her more and falls on her traps that I begin to question her character and such. ¬†In my books everyone is good until they prove me otherwise… Then again it’s probably the reason I’ve gone through so much in my life but it’s how I am and I’m not going to become a bitter evil person because of it, otherwise I would just be no better than the people that have caused me much Pain.

  • Concerned

    October 4, 2016

    Jasmina

    I do want to change my mind, thats why im here. I know it was wrong to keep saying all and every. I did change it to everyone iv known/heard of etc. Keep in mind theres nothing wrong with men having sex with their concubines, its part of Islam. A man can have 4 wives and 10s of concubines and have sex with them all. They just dont have a right to his time, as wives do But they do have a right to food, clothing and shelter and to be treated with kindness. Its not a disgraceful act.

    Im not self rightous, I just have a strong opinion based on my own experiences. 

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    Jasmina,

    It’s kind of sad the co is taking herself through so much torment all because she doesn’t want to share SMH. Just try to have the best relationship you can with your husband as stress free as possible. Exercise patience and keep turning to Allah. He’s got this. You’re doing really good. You’re going to be okay ūüôā

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    Gail,

    I’m so happy all is going well for you and your family. It’s great to hear you are still cancer free Alhumdulliah. I don’t know much about glacoma. I’m certainly glad it’s treatable. I figured you’ve been way busy with the real estate and ice cream businesses. I”m happy to here it’s successful and you’re prospering. Good for you. I assumed you kind of moved on from the blog since you’re not in polygamy anymore and you’re at a very good place in your life. I certainly understand it. You sound so happy and I’m happy for you.

    As for me, there’s nothing too much new and exciting happening in my life. Everything is pretty much status quo. The hubz and I just came back from a very nice tropical vacation, which you know me -I like those. He’s extremely busy working on his Ph.D and I’m a bit lazy lately and haven’t done much in promoting my book, but it’s selling and I thank Allah much for it. Other than it, there’s not much to report. I’m well and the blog is still up and running, will be 8 years in February. Again as always, it’s so good to hear from you, Gail. Stop in whenever you get some free time and say, hey {hugs}

  • Jasmina

    October 4, 2016

    Yes we women need to stop taking personal. For me it feels good that even though my inlaws and the cowife do not want me, my husband is still here and holding it together as best he can even though he faulters many times. Where as the co is constantly threatening him along with the inlaws so he stays with her and gives her more. At some point it’s going to hit in that either he is being forced to be with her and it won’t feel good for her until they leave him alone and he starts to show he loves her of his own accord without being bossed around all the time. It’s such a complex issue but at the end of the day, no man or woman would stay if they detested their spouse.

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    Gail,

    Hey you! There you are. I missed you. Fatima was just here asking about you. I’m going to go back and read you now. I”m on this crazy phone typing with one finger lol I’m so happy to hear from you.

  • Gail

    October 4, 2016

    Ana,

    ¬†How r u getting along? I just wanted to check in and see how u are doing it has been awhile.I have had one busy season and it is almost come to an end and I am looking forward to a needed rest.My real estate venture has really taken off and I bought two more properties with one being in a very upscale area very close to my own property to where I live and the other is in a small town very close to the Elk river which I also love.We built a pretty big house 4,000 sqft home in Pakistan this season as well.Hubby also built an add on to our home here in MO so my 3 bedroom has been made into a 6 bedroom which is way cool.I have been cancer free all yr now and been able to eat without stomach pain but have gained weight which is so not cool and trying to slow down on eating but I love to eat so this is not an easy task for me.The bad side of this season is that hubby was recently diagnosed with glaucoma and my three children are suspected to also have it which is really rare in children.I have an appointment to have all 3 kids tested next wed.The doctors seem to think its genetic because all three children have the exact same problem and their veins in their eyes all look the exact same and all three have an eye pressure of 19 which is on the high side for kids from what i am told.hubbies was a 24 eye pressure and he for sure has glaucoma.It is treatable so that is good but I sure hope and pray they don’t have it.well thats pretty much all that is going on in my life.Have not had any contact with excowife seems she has completely gone her own way which is fine at this point.I don’t worry about it anymore hubby and I are really happy and focusing on our kids futures.Let me know how u r doing.I think of u often but been so busy plus I have moved on from Polygamy at this point in my life and don’t feel I have much of anything to add to the group anymore.I still love the idea of Polygamy and hope everyone that is in it can find peace.I am so at peace and content in my own life and it feels so nice.

     

     

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2016

    Many women have a difficult time believing a man can easily love more than one woman – maybe more than four, as well, but he’s limit to four. Once a woman grasp that fact, it’s liberating for her. She may look back in unbelief that she cared so much about who he loved, as it no longer matters

  • Jasmina

    October 4, 2016

    Exactly a man would not be with a woman if he disliked her. It took me a long time to accept thaT. I constantly thought my husband didn’t like me so I gave him such a hard time Uni tension ally as I was so insecure. Thinking back ang other man would have divorced me but he didn’t because he loves me. He just loves the other wife too and is trying to balance this all out, it wouldn’t be easy.¬†

  • Marah S

    October 3, 2016

    Lol ummof2 I love the way you said that. Seriously in a lot of cases divorce is a lot easier and healthier than to stay in a unhappy marriage with a person you can’t stand. Especially in a situation like a woman being a bad house keeper. I don’t see how polygamy is a solution to that. The man still has to go to that filthy house every day and live in the same mess. I don’t think any woman should believe for one second that their husband married them because his wife was a bad housekeeper, that is just a load lies. A man who says such a thing may be lying to himself as well.

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Yep, I agree, Umm of2.

    I doubt most men stay married to women whom they can’t stand – have a strong dislike for.

  • Umm of2

    October 3, 2016

    Ana I think wives who are being lied to about the other wife and how incompetent she is, it in a way gives the wife being lied to that oomf, an extra boost of confidence. It’s quite silly actually but it happens more times than not. If one is secure with oneself it shouldn’t affect them not one bit whether the wife got it going on or not but if you’re insecure and your husband is constantly dissing his other wife to you then know he senses your insecurity and is pacifying it with lies which works for short term until you get to thinking why are they still married then. Sometimes we have to rip that aggravating band aid off lol. It’s because he’s in love with her and they are still getting it on like newlyweds. And that’s their right. Acceptance is freedom. We need to focus on Allah most of All. Always put Him first. Then on our individual marriages and work to keep that spark lit.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Granted, some of those things that the husband alleges may be true, but those things are not what caused him to go get another wife. Those may be some of her flaws and faults, but does it mean he doesn’t love her?

    I know of a woman who was a nasty housekeeper and her husband divorced her without having another wife, nor one in mind ( a prospect). She had kids by him.

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    I simply think that wives delude themselves when they say things about a co-wife such as: She’s a bad housekeeper; she can’t cook; he’s staying with her because of the kids, but doesn’t love her; she doesn’t give him sex; he pities her and so forth and so on. If it didn’t come from her mouth, if she didn’t say it, who knows if it’s true or not? A husband will lie about another wife to make the other feel good about herself and inspires her to love him more. Many husbands lie. Some think it’s okay to lie. Some just naturally lie, as they are habitual liars. If a wife leans towards believing that her husband has another wife whom he loves, she is playing it safe and probably isn’t deluding herself.

  • Jasmina

    October 3, 2016

    Lost my message**

  • Jasmina

    October 3, 2016

    I Lindt my message but the gist of it was that I was very offended by Concerned and Spanish and I’m not even a second wife!!! I’m a first wife. ¬†

    There are different circumstances In which people marry and for different reasons in both monogamous and polygamist marriages. ¬†I would say most women want a loving husband and live a happy life and if hey are in love or excited about getting married I don’t think they would sit there and cry or contemplate the other wives and there is no sin in that, it is halal for a woman to marry a polygamous man, she doesn’t need to be apologetic to anyone if her Lord is pleased. What on earth. Some people are are so self righteous they really need to get off their high horse.¬†

    Take for example my situation, my husband married both me and his second wife without us knowing of each other and we didn’t know when the marriages took place. So who is the evil sinister wife here? None. So you blanket logic is immediately faulty. ¬†There are many circumstances also. Yes i imagine there are cases where a second wife will want to devilishly get rid of the first and in this case it’s an evil act and She is accountable to Allah for her misdeeds.

    But to say that all women marrying as a second are like this is flawed and also it is the logic of the Kufar. ¬†You are analysing our polygamy with the logic of the non Muslims who engage in affairs and cheating. The other woman is seen as a home wrecker and should be ashamed of herself for doing such and such to this mans family. That is not the case for us! Allah has placed us in an hourable place above this. Their men sleep around with prostitutes, one night stands, affairs, concubines, and it’s not just 4 in many cases the cheat on their loved ones throughout their entire marriages with multiple women. Even amongst celebrities, it’s a disease all over the west. I will dare say married men taking on multiple women is probably more common than Muslim men taking on polygamy. What becomes of these women? They are single mothers, shamed, society at large is harmed. Our pious men do not disgrace women like this, even if divorce happens at least it was all done in a manner that honours a woman. Allah gave us this honour and you are trying to compare us to the dirty women that sleep around, I don’t think so sister!¬†

    Many Men will always be beasts that will take on many women, Alhamdulillah not all men act on their desires. But generally it’s a fact that a percentage of men need multiple partners regardless of religion, or race etc. and they can love all of their women too. but Allah has the only and best solution to this, polygamy. It places limits, strict rules, boundaries for them and for this reason many Muslim men do not engage in polygamy even if they desire to. Marriage is sacred and something determined by Allah. Allah brings people together in marriage. Peoples desires lead them to commit zina in the west and amongst Muslims where as marriage that is from Allah.¬†

  • Tasliyman

    October 3, 2016

    Saira, I believe you can get the help you are looking for from this blog, if you are open to it 

    I think you fell into the trap of trying to prove that you are not a bad person just because you are a second wife. Whether you are good or bad is between you and Allah. Besides some people will believe whatever they want to regardless of what you say. ¬†It’s not always like that here, unfortunately today was one of the few days that it happens. ¬†Dont let it stop you from geting the good that the blog has to offer.¬†

    Once you learn how to accept the good advice that can help you and ignore the parts that are not applicable to you, you’ll see what an excellent source of help, advice and reminders ¬†the blog can be.¬†

    My bit of advice to you would be to focus less on your co-wife and her marriage. You cannot control her behaviour no matter what you do. Rather focus on yourself and how you can improve your life.

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Saira,

    I second what Marah S said to you when she stated, ” But you have to let go of this idea that she is not a good wife, and your husband doesn‚Äôt love her. It would be better for you if you came to accept that she is a good wife, and your husband does love her, and he married you because he just wanted another wife, not because something is wrong with her. These are things that I believe all wives should learn to accept if they want to have a healthy happy life. It serves us no good to look for faults in our co-wives.”

    I think it would help you much if you change the way you see your co-wife. Congratulations on your pregnancy, Saira. Alhudulliah! ūüôā

  • Marah S

    October 3, 2016

    Saira,

    maybe im coming off more harsh through the typing then I’m trying to be. You said when you first came on this blog that you wanted help from all of us to become a better person, get closer to Allah and get over your jealousy and you said that you didn’t want to hear things to make you feel better because real friends point out your mistakes and you want to confront yourself. Well I’m trying to be a real friend to you and advise you as your sister in Islam.

    The things I mentioned are what I’ve noticed since you started writing on the blog. I’m not saying that these things make you a bad person, it’s just that In my opinion these are things that may be holding you back and you should try to work on them, if you want to progress and move forward with your polygamous life. I understand that you are upset about your co-wife being manipulative and harming you and trying to plot against you. You have every right to be upset about these things. Like I said the only thing that she owes you is respect, so if she is not respecting you than you have every right to be upset about that. But you have to let go of this idea that she is not a good wife, and your husband doesn’t love her. It would be better for you if you came to accept that she is a good wife, and your husband does love her, and he married you because he just wanted another wife, not because something is wrong with her. These are things that I believe all wives should learn to accept ¬†if they want to have a healthy happy life. It serves us no good to look for faults in our co-wives. I was actually going to tell you congratulations on your pregnancy. I’m pregnant too as well as two other sister who sometimes write¬†on this blog, so that’s cool that we’re all pregnant together¬†https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Saira

    October 3, 2016

    Marah S 

    i know what I said its not easy to digest but I told my side when was asked about marring a married man and I said it was not lust and it was my hubbies need 

    Spanish said I should not marry a married man and he should have send my co to cooking classes and things etc 

    and I have been trying to say things happend and why I got hurt and all 

    before I got married I heard all that and I use to think it can’t be true¬†

    but I had to seen all that 

    it’ was like watching program where they show ppl when they stop caring for them selfs and need help to clean it¬†

    I am not sure u seen those program 

    I am feeling really bad that I done all that good deeds for sake of Allah not even to impress my hubby where most of things I haven’t told him I done¬†

    I take it as I been working with ppl helping around and I took personal life like profession

    i am feeling bad I should had not sayed here first point 

    I got hurt from co and came here and express my self 

    and specially hearing all second wife things and all man marrying second wife after Lust 

    it all got my head burn and I somehow spill all out 

    when I was saying all this being lazy and all 

    it doesn’t tell how criminal minded she was¬†

    many of us here heard co been so bad it was normal with jealousy 

    but saying things how she was and still is not place to tell any one but it’s a bitter truth¬†

    I have never came across and met any one like that 

    not cos she is my co but can’t understand any one be like that¬†

  • Saira

    October 3, 2016

    Concerned 

    all this things started weeks before eid 

    where hubby been in mood with both of us and I was at my in laws and he came had huge fight and left and l8r one my co called me and she started on me that he is in mood in her night and she started 

    hubby came back mean while me and hubby had many heated txt msgs 

    and adding fuel to this my co told him that she foned me and we both had argument 

    he later one came and had huge fight and said horrible things to me 

    I got up set because hubby was saying all this in front of his parents 

    I was hurt before as co told me few things I was up set and to be honest I was just getting low and. Never told hubby what things was eating me up 

    he asked if I wanted to live in this marriage I have to stay quite 

    I said to him in front of his parent but I don’t want to stay in this marriage any more¬†

    and pregnant and he said he won’t own this baby then I said fine¬†

    he got so abusive and he left and never took me home 

    their parents got so against me and telling me I should just stay vd them for some time to cool things off 

    it was not big thing he was arguing 

    but I got hurt they he done all that in front of all 

    I then left in morning to go to my place and had some appointment to attend 

    we both went quite and then after some time got ok 

    and then all things came out about real co thing 

    and even he told me when I was coming to me she told him it’s bad idea to c me¬†

    and seems like since then I came to my seances 

    I been so low getting jelous and wanting to go away and never really thought of my self 

    since then I have not heard from them 

    I wish them eid and got told I am not welcome 

    which is fine with me actually am happy Atlest they told me truth not like calling me in and then behaving strange vd me 

    all these things don’t hurt me but the most hurt full part is seeing my co reaction¬†

    and her true colour 

    I am not saying I am all good one 

    but being Muslim I have alway seen eid is the day when u even wish your enemy 

    I done that part in my life 

    and left All in Allahs hands and came her to express my feelings 

    but I feel like I should not express my feeling s 

    i been attaked few times here so wasting my time typing and clearing my self here not I wanted 

    I should have used this time in batter way mentoring Quran or listing some good talks other then being attacked 

    any way am sorry to any one u whom I offended 

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Maymah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I finally finished reading all the comments and now have have nothing special to say to you. I think I got overwhelmed with all the posts LOL

    I understand what you’re going through but, as I think it was concerned who said it, you’ve got a quite a bit of experience under your belt. You seem to know what you’re facing and how best to deal with it. I’ve got a feeling that you’re going to be just fine.

    I don’t know if I would view your co as being immature though. It’s a bit patronizing. Just see her as your equal unless something proves otherwise.

  • Marah S

    October 3, 2016

    Saira,

    Im not attacking you, you said from the beginning that you wanted to hear the truth and receive honest advice. Well that’s exactly what I’m doing. Sometimes the truth hurts. You were saying these things before concerned even mentioned anything about second wives. “I did this for her” “I taught her that” “she didn’t know how to do this and that” you even said your husband is “teaching her like a two year old”. You talk about your co-wife like she’s this terrible woman with no skills and everyone has to help her, it sounds like you think you’re better than her and your husband married you because something is wrong with her. That’s just the vibe I’m getting from what you’ve said so far on this blog. This type of thinking is only going to hurt you and prevent you from growing and thriving in your marriage. You should think of her as your equal, you should tell yourself that she is just as good a wife as you are. Maybe you’re good at cooking and cleaning there may be other things that she’s good at that you are not good at. And you definitely should stop telling yourself that you saved her marriage and if it weren’t for you they wouldn’t have patched things up, you are not Allah to know what would’ve happened if you weren’t around. They’ve managed to patch things up without you in the past, what makes you think they couldn’t do it again? That type of thinking is similar to women who think they “gave their husband permission to remarry” it’s not a good way to think. I don’t know what your intentions were when you were doing all these things for her. Your intention should have been to seek the reward of Allah and if your intentions were for the reward of Allah there is no reason for you to be using all the kind things you did for her against her and try to shame her and portray her as a useless wife. You shouldn’t be looking for her gratitude because you should know your reward is with Allah.¬†

     

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Spanish, As Salaamu Alaikum ūüôā

    Wow, I could only imagine how stressful your job is. Working with children who have special needs must be rewarding and extremely tough at the same time. As long as you’re staying conscious of Allah while performing the work, remembering Him, you’ll gain many barakats (blessings from it). I get soooo upset when I watch the news about all that is happening in Aleppo, Syria and all the children who are being killed and pulled from the rubble, the adults, as well. It’s heartbreaking and brings me to tears. I need to stop watching it as it is so heartbreaking.

    About wearing hijab, try to take baby steps. Go online and look at different ways you can wear your khimar (scarf) and find a look that works for you, a look that complements you and you feel good about. Ask Allah for guidance about it and Insha Allah, he’ll make it easy for you.

    I understand that you are having a difficult time with accepting polygamy. It was the only thing that I didn’t accept and had to go through a lot to reach acceptance. It was well worth it. At least you recognize where you need work, which is a good start. Acknowledging when we have a problem is the beginning of getting it resolved.

    We got off to a rocky start with, but it’s all good now. It’s nice having you here. Insha Allah, we’ll all work together and keep getting better and stronger. ūüôā

  • Saira

    October 3, 2016

    Concerned 

    yes I did said they had perfect marriage life togather and I was the out sider 

    i been fooled by my co soo many times 

    but my fault was I let her done the damage to me simply because I stop believing in my self 

    we become good friends and I believed what ever she use to tell me and say to me 

    one minute she says she and hubby don’t have any affection next minute she tells me how hubby and her intimate¬†

    I let her torture my self 

    I still let it happend until I fell pregnant she took me in her house we stayed togather she looked after me and after 4 days fight started that hubby just care for me and not for her 

    I lost my trust on hubby and I alway take what she says true 

    She showed me she raised as Christian girl and had horrible teenage and when move out from parents home and how her father was abusing and she didn’t know things about cooking food etc coz she was not raised like that¬†

    hubby is Pakistani and am Pakistani too 

    So all things did make sense to me 

    I felt hurt and stupid same time 

    what I been thinking about her and hubby and what came out 

    I loved and felt so little and jelous about the fact what ever was her fault or not she wanted to learn things to please hubby who got another women and slowly things start eating me up 

    its not being long I starting to find out things how I been fooled and Alahmdulilah I didn’t went ahead with separation¬†

    mine time I woke and got few txt msgs from her 

    she telling me didn’t wanted to hurt u but hubby told her to copy and paste their conversation and send me

    in txt she was telling hubby how she love him and hubby said in reply I love u too 

    and hubby said hope u don’t tell me and she somehow got impression hubby is telling her to tell me¬†

    she been playing innocent Person where I been stupid 

    I do feel jelous inside but it’s natural¬†

    but am more hurt inside from things has happend to me 

    lol I remebr I cooked food once and send over and joked I send poison for u and I got told after few weeks I plan to kill her 

    even if you second or first or any number u would not want to tell intimate things to one another to hurt each other 

    I been there listen and heard all that 

    am still recovering specially when I see books and bakery stuff to make vd kids I bought for kids to teach 

    I get hurt but it’s my and her both lost¬†

    i simply had to learn my limits and I forgot all and it hurt me now 

  • Saira

    October 3, 2016

    Dear Marsh S 

    ouucchhh

    i would have been very nice if you could have ask me any question before attacking me 

    I don’t know where I offended you I was simply telling about my co coz I been attack yesterday as being second wife and being evil bad second who is after destroying happy family and I was trying to shed lights how bad I am lol

    am second wife so I had no contact with first one at all 

    I got to know things from hubby family and friends and met co indirectly at that time 

    and she and me never interact for long time until she got coform that hubby did marry me 

    I never seen my hubby with other women but she was the one told me hubby alway had flings out side and she was never alone in marriage as a wife she was alone but hubby alway had relationship with other women’s¬†

    i had ask hubby in front of her and he agree he wanted to get marriage and alway dated girls in order to have second wife and it never work out but he finally married me 

    thays why she said she was never worried about me as she seen many and was not worried 

    any way I never went to other one house in first place 

    me and hubby back from holiday can’t remebr exact date lol

    and I did mention in one of my comment when she started all this 

    she had huge fight vd me and then after some time came back again and I didn’t open door and she said she want to talk as a sister and things started from there¬†

    she told me she was not raised Muslim and being revert she don’t know any thing about our culture and ask me she will be happy if we becom sisters and she teached me things hubby wanted her to do¬†

    then after some time I start spending time in her house and stayed there mostly and we all had good and bad time staying togather 

    your comment is very offensive but I agree on one thing I should have not done all that 

    my intention. Was not bad 

    i am very reserve person I would not go to any one house like that 

    she convince hubby that I must come and we all have good time 

    i would not go to her house and do all this with out her wish 

    Ofcourse I was there with hubby and co mutual agreement 

    and when I said I was the only window to patch up things yes I mean it when I said 

    many time in past things happend and she just get in mood and fight and call me and swear and react bad 

    I know it was all jealousy but it didn’t have her right to insult me or hubby¬†

    hubby left her many times and came to stay vd me and wanting to move out and go away to other country 

    he blocked her and wound not answer to her calls and hubby a family won’t say any thing to him that time¬†

    and my hubby is very aggressive and when it come to that point he won’t listen to any one¬†

    and wanting to move away vd me 

    I was the one txting her and trying to calm her down when no own would talk to her 

    I was there in all hard good and bad times for her 

    hubby wanted us to live in one house again but I close that window 

    coz it simply won’t work right now and after few years may be when we both learn to respect each other and be truth full¬†

    I been there heard and seen things so I know what hubby said to her about us and what he told us 

    one things I would appreciate about my hubby is he won’t lie or hide to make any of us feel batter

    it was my co when first she found out about me she would wanted to know every thing so we had no secret or lies in our relationship 

    and there was no way she could hide any thing either coz when I got to ask she was in position to tell me the whole thing

    i am not saying I was saviour in her marriage 

    I was simply making point when I got blame being second wife bla bla bla 

    yes many things she teached me as well 

    if hubby was bad and treating her bad she would have leave and won’t ask me to be friends and to teach her things which hubby wanted her to learn¬†

    I am sure she in not clue less 

    I work as home help assistance in care 

    and I seen many people who have this type of issue 

    where they not able to look after their surrounding simply because they don’t want to and it’s called being lazy¬†

    I gave up on many things and got hurt from co reaction and decided to stay in my own and if again hear things to patch up I will do that for sure but this time I won’t work my ass off to please ungreatfull people¬†

    Again Marsh s 

    it would be nice before u Jump in conclusion and tell me to grow up plz do ask if you think I don’t or said any thing wrong¬†

    I did not went to offer marriage counsling to my co or try to teach her things 

    i was asked regularly to teach her things from cooking to cleaning and all sorts of things few hours every week 

    and it was my co request and I even started language classes for kids to tech them their fathers language and I felt bad for stopping that it was coz I don’t want to hang in middle one minute I am there to teach things and be a sister and next minute I am evil¬†

    I simply came here to work out for my marriage and cope with all this hurt full things I been tru

    nit here to get told to grow up and change my thinking

    pls do ask me again if you still think I need to grow up or change things 

     

     

     

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Saira

    I thought you said you was jealous that your co has a “perfect” marriage etc. But your saying how you taught her to be a wife. Im confused. Are you sure you didnt just think you was “teaching” her to be a wife, when really she was getting you to do all her chores. You’ve made her sound very needy and stupid (to want for a better word) I cant get my head around any woman going for what you’ve said. It all sounds very strange indeed.¬†

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Marah s

    I agree with your comment to saira. You put it nicer and better than I could. 

    Siara

    Both me and my co can cook (shes slightly better) ¬†but we still send food to each other and help as much as we can. Granted, ill ask if theres poison in it, she’ll say yes, but only a little, im trying to kill you slowly lol. Point is, its nice for women to help each other without one feeling like there a life line. If my co wants to come and tidy the house, massage my head and sew me an outfit she can go right ahead, although id maybe feel like she was a slave rather than my husbands wife who married him to benefit HIM and HER.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Concerned, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    It’s okay. A lot of conversation was generated here, which is good. We could all learn from one another. It’s said we should be able to agree to disagree.

    I’m just concerned about us being pitted against one another and divided (first wives against seconds and second wives against firsts). I would like to avoid a lot of negativity and would like the blog to foster unity. I want us to do good deeds here and not bad.

    Anyhow, it gave you an opportunity to vent and express yourself, which I’m sure was therapeutic for you and it probably has helped others, as well. Thank you. It’s all good https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Saira

    October 3, 2016

    Concerned 

    MashaAllah am glad to hear all that and fianlly some good happy bonding 

    this is what I want in our life 

    may Allah keep it like that in your life 

     

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Saira

    That was all years ago. To be truthful the whole polygamy situation was tourtue EVERYTHING and I mean ever minute of everyday was touture. I didnt need to do anything, the fact she was sitting happy as larry with my husband was enough. Only that wasnt the case, she wasnt happy AT ALL. I didnt know that till I started looking at their txs. She was sad that he was missing me, she couldn’t get the most out of her marriage while her husband is mentally preoccupied with me. When I did find out, I would intentionally ‘act’ happy so he would be happy so she could be happy. It was crazy. She’d tx that she couldn’t do it if hes preoccupied with me, always saying how he always so happy yo be going home (to me).¬†

    I had decided that if I couldn’t pull through it was better they continued their marriage and I leave but he was having non of it. We’re all good now, I dont trouble her and she dont trouble me. We all have a sense of humour, so when I joke about her its not all that serious. Like I said I pulled through and so did she. We’re in a good place now. We all better muslims for it.¬†

  • Maymah

    October 3, 2016

    thank you Saira, thank you concerned. 

    I don’t know if any of you have the prayer book Hisnul Muslim, it has prayers for all situations and every emotion. It’s available on the app store and the play store for free.¬†

    There are several prayers in it that have made me stronger and more able to cope. 

    Look out for the prayer against oppressors.

  • Marah S

    October 3, 2016

    Saira,

    I don’t understand why you feel like it’s your job to raise your co-wife and teach her how to be a wife. She’s been married to your husband for a long time and they may have their issues but obviously she’s doing something right. It’s also not your job to get involved and try to save her marriage every time she and her husband argue. You said sometimes you were “the only window to make them patch up” what makes you think that? They’ve been married for a long time and have had fights and arguments long before you came into the picture and somehow managed to stay married all these years so chances are whether you got involved or not they would’ve patched things up on their own. You speak about your co-wife as if she’s this terrible¬†woman who’s marriage was falling apart and you came and saved her marriage. The truth is Your co-wife didn’t need your help and she didn’t ask for your help. You volunteered. Do you really think she has no idea how to make her husband happy without your help? Of course everyone can improve in life and become better at things, that doesn’t mean she’s clueless, do you really think there’s nothing she can teach you? I’m not trying to attack you or put you down but you need to get back to reality. Obviously your husband has been telling you things to make you feel like you’re somehow better than she is and he married you because something was wrong with her. You need to get that idea out of your head. You don’t know what he’s telling her about you. Your co-wife doesn’t owe you anything except respect. I understand you being upset about her being manipulative and trying to harm you. But please stop talking like she’s such a terrible wife and you’re the one who saved her marriage and taught her how to make her husband happy. Because it’s not true and that type of thinking will not help you or her move forward and grow.

  • Saira

    October 3, 2016

    Concerned 

    hope u don’t mind me asking English is my first language ¬†so I get ¬† All of comments and have to read many times¬†

    but if I am not wrong you said you were waiting to see if  your co and husband fall in love  completely 

    wow ¬†why u were looking for signs and wanting to know it’s like torturing your self¬†

    I alway hide my feelings from co and even I use to hide stuff when she use to come to mine so she don’t feel bad¬†

    and I said same to hubby never. Tell her and show her how we love each other and do things. Just to give each other less pain 

    of they both don’t get along and didn’t had affection ¬†with each other it was not in her control or in hu bus control¬†

    I remebr she told me when first got to know me 

    she said they got marriage and never. Actually felt if she and him were in love  she cried she said they never had affection 

    but I never ever till now showed her how we both do things togather and. Love each other 

    I am pretty surprise you let your self totgure u so bad ¬† I hope u don’t feel and think same my sisteer just be your self don’t don’t let your self like that again¬†

  • Saira

    October 3, 2016

    Maymah

    i would say if your hubby has not married that other lady yet and you already worried 

    it means you scare deep down he won’t treat you good¬†

    I would say don’t just make your self worrying sick¬†

    this is not nice thing if he threaten you he would marry other women as he was not happy with some of things u do 

    he was in polygamy and if you been his from second wife to only wife and after so long he decide to take another one 

    I would say take it as a privilaige that u had him all alone for long time 

    make a lot of astagfar and ask Allah to make it easy for you 

    Allah is the one who changes condition of our hearts 

    its seems that you. Are a nice person and already wishing her to be nice not asking how to stop my hubby for getting marriage again 

    this shows you will be fine and will work out your marriage again inshAllah  

    dont worry about age too much some people are 40 and they have not maturity level and yet some people are very yound still they would have more maturity then adults 

    try to be her good friend and show her things like sister and talk to hubby more about this am sure he will respect you more and make it work for all of you 

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Maymah

    Im sorry if my comment made you feel a way. If your experiencing what I did then I have a round about idea of your fears. As you enter polyagmy (going from monogamy to polygamy) everything can feel like a big issue, the smallest thing seems like a mountain. I may differ from some 1st but I never felt insecure, but from what Iv read its common for women to feel that. ¬†I remember thinking if he (my husband) makes her as happy as he makes me she’ll be the happiest woman alive and ill be sad because I dont want to share. That feeling caused jealously. I had major issues with sharing germs, its not so bad now, a little still remains. If I boil wash his clothes and he takes a shower I can deal it.¬†

    I was waiting for them to fall completely head over heels in love, I was waiting and watching for signs, I quized him as to how he felt about her. Everyday I was sure something had changed…I asked so many questions he must of thought I was a police officer lol. I didnt want her to love him like I did, I didnt want them to share those special moments that we did. Two things helped with those issues. 1, He already loved her before he married her because shes an obedient muslim. So I stopped worring about that. I was no longer waiting for them to fall in love, the love was already there anymore than love for the reward from Allah is wasted and wrong anyway. ¬†2, They could share the same special moments because when we married there was only me to think about. When they married there was me and her to think about, so I figured its not going to be the same.¬†

    Lots of women say (me included) their marriage got better because the husband appreciates his wife more, hes missed her and makes the time together count. It can be exciting waiting for them to come home. I hope you’ll be able to share how you feel. I feel so bad that you dont want share your fears. I hope you can forgive me.¬†

     Ana

    Sorry for upsetting the flow of the blog. Ill keep it shut about the things I mentioned. Its the first time im talking about it so I guess it all just come at once. Thank for letting me say my piece. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Maymah

    October 3, 2016

    Dear Concerned, I felt guilty over the pain I knew I must be causing her, in my part of the world men are matter of fact about polygamy, some even tell the first wife she has a choice of leaving or staying and often times many women stay because they they can’t return home to their parents and can’t survive on their own.

    So I tried to make it as painless as I could, we shared the same house but on her days I would always stay in my room and try to be as unobtrusive as possible, I minded my business and privately planned to move out as soon as I was financially able to.

    I ended up with the kids because as I mentioned in my part of the world men hold all the aces, the law doesn’t help women get childcare or alimony and the worst a woman can do is start off life with kids, they are always better off with their father who usually is financially secure and able to give them physical trappings of comfort, however a few who come from upper class homes leave with their kids.

    I’ll be glad to answer any questions. I raised the issue of age because I perceive it will hamper my relationship with my future co, as I said I feel she’s too young to be mature in it and realise that it’s not a competition.¬†

    To be honest I’m scared to say my fears because of the comment I got earlier “shoe on the other foot”.

    I want to close by saying I pray she has the heart I had when I got into polygamy, I married for the sake of Allah, hoping to get peace and raise my kids with a man I love. I did not wish his wife any Ill nor did I ever plot or plan evil for her.

  • Saira

    October 3, 2016

    Polygamy is halat and Allah made it halal for men Allah knows batter what is in men’s heart he may love of of his wife but he desire to keep all its just man nature¬†

    that’s is reason why women are told to do naqab /hijab and hide their beauty even from their brother in laws¬†

    only to show their beauty to their husband and they can mix up with their brothers gayer and grand father and father of their husband 

    we can’t go against Allahs nature¬†

    even 80 year old man no matter he is Muslim or not Muslim he would have desire for women 

    and Islam is beautiful religion it teached man to marry up to 4 if he keep equality in them and in prophets time virgin girl use to get 7 days and non virgin and women with kids 3 to 4 days 

    and all wife of prophets knows that our prophets pbuh love Aisha most and their marriage was done in heaven and it’s for us people when they got marriage in world and it was a lot of wisdom behind their age¬†

    first things was she was the first female Alimah to learn all from prophet pbuh and she was the one who teached all women and many scholars Islam 

    they all had jealousy as well 

    I was reading something other day and it was sofizam and it was written about husband 

    can u not love the idea of husband works all day long to earn money to provide their wife and kids 

    he work hard and do his best to please his wife and kids and yet he wants pure love in return 

    it’s like Allah love us like 70 mothers and in return he wants us to worship him and love him alone¬†

    yet husbands are same 

    if I was in place of my co I would be very happy when my husband finally found someone and he had what he was looking for 

    its not easy for women but every man and women is different 

    my husband work hard to provide us with every thing and he says he would feel heaven when he opens door and see his wife me or her happy smiling and making food for him and give him warm welcome 

    it took time for me to understand all this 

    and yet all these negitive comments actually made me work more hard on my self and I kind of felt what if someone second wife things are true and I made promice to my self I will be more down to earth 

    but still we are human and we get to face ups and down in our eman 

    and my whole point was joining this group to work on my self on my jealousy and make batter life for me and all people associate with me and with my husband 

    the way things been said about second wife I have not had any cat fight like that vd my co 

    she done many times and tried 

  • Tasliyman

    October 3, 2016

    Thanks for bringing sanity back to the craziness Ana.

    And for reminding me of the more important matters that I should be focussed on instead of engaging in idle talk. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Saira

    October 3, 2016

    Dear concerned 

    lol you talking about me and yet don’t know any thing about me and judging me and other second wife in base of that¬†

    my husband would do any thing if I asked him 

    at the time of marriage I could have ask him to sign and agree he won’t marry any one after that and if someone you know in sharia law if women take promice from husband not to remarried then it’s haram for him to take another wife but my dear so concerned¬†

    I asked my husband to do get marriage if he wants to but do it in halal way and I would want to be part of that marriage 

    I use to go and solve my other ones fights and try to be there for her 

    many times he blocked her number and went away from her and I was the only window to make them patch up and yet it was nothing to do vd me their fight was nothing to do with me their it was their own fight and her being lazy lol

    i stood up for my self after nearly 2nad half years when I relize she won’t change and in her heart she just want me to go away from him¬†

    I would have done that too in one point 

    and many time I promice to my self and next minute she do something silly and I just get stuck 

    in this whole time when she took no well I would go and Msage her head etc cook clean and try to give her relax time 

    and even give up on my nights just to show her 

    I am not bad person not a wife would teach her co what to do to please her husband 

    I have done that 

    from hair dye to her make up and ironing hubby cloths in her house so she could show hubby she changes and done all that for him 

    for what I done that ?

    to steal her husband which is mine too 

    explaining things to her is like talking to stone 

    I gave up after 2 and half years and my hubby still try to teach her things like 2 year old 

    and if someone say he love her 

    I would laugh 

    all the time when I should concentrate in my marriage I been trying to show her good thing and help her 

    but what she done try to convince hubby to divorce me 

    that was the moment I gave up on her 

    I block her and working in my marriage rather then fixing her head 

    if hubby liked any dress I would try to make it for my self and show her what thing he would like on her 

    all those things she even admit she would never done and she would have loved me if I was not her co 

    just simple recipe I got 

    it women choose to marry a married man or single no one is perfect 

    and no one force no body to stay in marriage 

    if some first or any number wife choose to stay in polygamy then stay and work on the to self and their life and try not no back bite and plot things for other sister 

    if you like something for your self do like same for your sister 

    if my husband choose to marry again I would either will face her or either stay quite and ignore her 

    I hate two face people and women who just watch despret housewives and act like one 

    if Allah wills I will be my husband wife till I die and if Allah wills he might leave me or I might 

    it’s all in Allahs hands who get marriage when and with whom¬†

    if we work in our taqwa we less likely to be in this debate 

    am sorry if I hurt any one but getting hard to digest many things said here

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    See, this is what I’m talking about. I don’t want this blog to be about first 1st wives being evil/bad or second wives being evil / bad. All people who do not serve Allah the way that He tells us to are bad/evil people no matter what order they married their husbands in.. Marriage comes with difficulties and certain circumstances that are similar. Let’s talk about our similarities more so than our differences. Blaming one another solves nothing. It does not take us forward. We become stagnant. It’s not about the number. It’s about the individual person. Allah in the Quran tells us what people will do. We have to read the Quran to know what Allah tells us about people and what they do

  • Tasliyman

    October 3, 2016

    Ummof2, Concerned has a very specific type of person in mind when she refers to second wives. 

    I wouldnt allow her posts to upset you, as you said Рit doesnt apply to you.   We dont know why people do the things they do hey. 

    The world is full of differ people, they might have similarities but its just not possible to group them together like that.

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Before I ventured online and heard what some 2nds say I didnt think one way or another. To say I was shocked about what I read is a understatement. On this blog, I distinctly remember a 2nd saying ” Iv been f’ ing her husband for years” I could not believe a muslim woman would think like that. Since then iv been on a quest to find a nice, compassionate, caring 2nd. They all seem very lovely in the beginning, then the classic lines come out and im back at square one.¬†

  • Tasliyman

    October 3, 2016

    We can go on and on about this without actually achieving anything and I dont like wasting my time. 

    I truly hope you find what you need to move on, although I’m pretty sure you’re just trying to prove that all second wives are bad. I cannot see what you will gain from it but it is your life, not mine.

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Ummof2

    Im hopeful not all 2nds are bad. Im waiting for her. Ill say it again. When I say all I mean all the ones iv met, talked to or read. 

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Tasliman 

    Iv already been pulled up by ummof4 about that. When iv said “all” I mean all the 2nds that iv had the opportunity to meet, talk to or read. Theres always the classic lines. Like “I have to deal with a 1st wife”¬†

  • Tasliyman

    October 3, 2016

    Concerned, I hope you find what you are looking for In-sha Allah.

    I’ll just assume that I have been misunderstanding you all this time.¬†

  • Umm of2

    October 3, 2016

    Tasliyman 

    my sentiments EXACTLY 

  • Umm of2

    October 3, 2016

    Concerned this whole time you’ve been saying all second wives are jealous, they come into polygamy with bad intentions, intentions and hopes the husband would divorce the first wife, and so on and so forth. Now you say you don’t have a problem with second wives or women who marry in the order of 2,3,4 but just with people in general who are shady evil and bad natured??

    When you say ALL second wives my walls immediately go up not that your harsh words apply to me personally but because I am a second wife and it feels like you are directing whatever onto me and I feel like I have to speak up for them https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gifYou’ve been advised time and time again to stop throwing an entire race of second wives in one boat because we are all not bad. No one here is pointing fingers at all first wives or any wife married 1 2 3 4 for that matter we are all trying to learn from one another and understand each other’s struggles and progress on our journey.¬†

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Saira had me for a minute till she said. Ahe getting used to her husband having sex with his WIFE. If the first dont like it she can leave and last but not least shes a bad bad bad wife. Shes so bad infact that her husband remains married to her. She convinces herself its because a goo man wouldn’t leave her to be alone and raise kids. Forgetting that he loves her, wants her and keeps her aa a wife wven though she apparently does nothing for him. Maybe he stays with her for he good heart, her obiedience to Allah, for her kindness and love.¬†

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Tasliman

    What are you talking about. We are told repeatedly to ponder on what Allah created, that includes humans and the way the act. A person cannot care and then do something uncaring at the same time. Maybe the person care after but at the time they only thoughy of themselves. What im doing is trying to understand polygamy from a 2nd wifes prospective. Iv yet to be proved wrong in my opinion. Dont get me wrong I love all muslims who are in obiedience to Allah. But I stuggle to understand how a person can claim to care and have compassion then act in a way opposite to care and compassion. Do you know what I mean, im here to learn. Talking to my own co wife is like talking to a brick wall, I get nothing from her, no emotion, nothing. I want to support and back the cases of 2nd wives other than to say they had a right to marry the man. Im finding that very hard with the 2nd wives iv encountered. Maymah has got me all excited. I think she could change my mind. 

  • Tasliyman

    October 3, 2016

    Concerned, who is the shady, evil, bad natured people that you have a problem with?

    From your previous posts it seemed like you were referring to all second wives. ¬†Apologies if I’m wrong but please be so kind to point out who you are actually referring to.¬†

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Tasliman

    I dont have a problem with any women who marrys in any order with any type of muslim man. I do however have a problem with shady, evil, bad natured people. 

  • Tasliyman

    October 3, 2016

    Concerned, I understand that you have your reasons why you feel the way you do about second wives. I don’t agree with what you are doing, but I understand that there must be a reason for it.¬†

    However, some of the things you say are quite dangerous. ¬†“Allah created them with that nature to not care about a 1st wife”…. ¬†

    Oh my, to pretend that you know how Allah created people you dont even know is pushing the limits. 

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Tasliman 

    I didnt hear anyone looking for faults in polygamy. Just asking questions that might give understanding. Just because there no faults in polygamy itself, there are faults in the people who are involved in polygamy. 

    Marah s

    Do you think it could be that ur aunt is feeling like ‘he chose meeeee’ a bit like an ego boost because hes already married.¬†

    Maymah

    You said you felt like an intruder and guilty. Was this because your husband was having a hard time with her or because you felt bad about her pain? I like your honesty  (that you didnt cry when she left) why did you raise the kids? Did she want to leave them or was they taken? Sorry if im too nosey. You dont have to answer https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    I wouldn’t bother watching the new wife. Its a waste of time. I dont know if you did this but iv found (from the 2nds iv encountered) they’re very sweet and nice while calling a 1st inadequate, and not taking care of her husband etc. Iv found theres a lot of nasty under the oh so rightous behaviour. It just takes a bit of digging to find out whats good.¬†

    The way she deals with you before the marriage says alot about whats to come. 

  • Marah S

    October 3, 2016

    Wow there really is a lot going on here! 

    Concerned,

    I get what you’re saying but at the same time I don’t think it applies to everyone. I know of plenty second wives who got married with good intentions, some even wanting to have a friendship and bond with the first wife. Of course there are others who come in hoping that the husband doesn’t love his first wife anymore and may eventually leave her. Just like Saira said it was a shock to her when she realized her husband was still intimate with his first wife. However that’s not the case for everyone.

     

    spanish,

    I can tell you’re hurt and confused and maybe still in the learning process when it comes to Islam. It’s okay we’re all works in progress. You have to stop looking for faults in the things Allah has made permissible. Islam is for all times and all people in every culture. I understand that polygamy can be a hard pill to swallow for a lot of women but that’s a problem within themselves that they need to work out. If you believe the Quran in from Allah then you should believe in all of it without picking and choosing.¬†

     

    Maymah,

    Please stay I would love to hear more from you, I think it could be a good experience for you stepping into a different role. You’ve been the second wife, you’ve been the only wife, and now you’re going to be the first wife. You have a lot of perspective that can help you get through the difficult times and may benefit some of the women hear o this blog.

  • Tasliyman

    October 3, 2016

    Aslm

    Most people come to this blog looking for help, support and advice. I dont recall anyone ever asking first wives to come out and share things they are not proud of, why would you ask second wives to share things they are not proud of or are not comfortable sharing? If they did things in the past that they have since repented for, it is between them and Allah, not the world. 

    If your problem lies with ALL women who marry a man that is already married, I would suggest you do some thinking on what you actually have a problem with…..¬†

     

  • Saira

    October 3, 2016

    Spanish 

    it doesn’t seems right if being Muslim your husband won’t like you wearing hijab¬†

    my hubby don’t like me wearing naqab and I try my best to do that¬†

    when am with him I try to cover my face with same hijab as much as I can 

    and now slowly he letting me wear when am alone in market and when he sees many male around he feels good if I do so 

    you should sit down with your husband and teach him it’s part of religion¬†

    there are many online free courses you can do at home even little as 2 hour a week to learn about Islam 

     

  • Maymah

    October 3, 2016

    Thank you all. In my own case I married a man I loved despite the fact that he was married. I felt guilty every single day and felt like an intruder in their family.

    When I married I didn’t know theyhadd any problems prior and up to 2 talaq had been issued. I’m sure the stress and pain of polygamy exercebated the last and final talaq.¬†

    Out of guilt I devoted myself to raising her kids and doing right by them as much as possible. I’m not here to be defensive or defend my life choices.¬†

    Of course I didn’t shed any tears after she left and we went on to have an amazing 14 years after their divorce.

    Perhaps I deluded myself thinking I’m all that in his life and having had a bad marriage prior he would want to stick with me alone till we are old.

    But fate and destiny have other plans. So I am here hoping to get support in yet another transition in my life, from polygamy to monogamy back to polygamy. 

    I would like to extend a welcome to her and a desire to be at least sisters in Islam but because she is so young I can’t be sure if she’s mature enough for that.

    I remember when I was 20/21 years, the arrogance of youth, you just think you’re all that.¬†

    So for now my strategy is to watch and see what sort of girl she is, if she’s mature for her age hopefully something positive can come from this.¬†

     

  • Marah S

    October 3, 2016

    Ana and ummof2. Yes you are right she is in for a rude awakening, from the way she met him to the way she’s acting now I can tell she’s living in the clouds. The strangest thing about this is how different he is from what she generally looks for in a man. She’s very smart and successful and owns a lot of property here in America. She always wanted a man who was of similar class to her, a doctor, lawyer, successful entrepreneur Or something along these lines. This man is a cab driver. Not to mention she has always hated polygamy and was very adamant about the man she married agreeing in the marriage contract to never marry a second wife, now all of a sudden she wants to marry a married man. Hopefully she snaps out of it, and changes her intentions.

  • Spanish

    October 3, 2016

    Hello ladies, 

    I m really sorry that my post offended and seemed inappropriate to some of u and somebody’ feelings were hurt. I apologise for deep of my heart. Thanks to those who answered. I reread my post and realised it sounded harsh. I wrote it on emotions. Last few weeks were hard for everyone in family, everybody looks like blast out any second. My husband asks me to give as much of my time as possible to SIL, sometimes after dinner we walk to her place. But it s getting harder for me as I take others pain too close to my heart just like it my pain. Also my job is EXTREMELY hard mentally. I work as therapist’ s assistant in setting for teenagers and young people with mental problems like autism,Down syndrome and some even much harder psych problems. Just imagine last week one boy sat in corner and screamed in horrible voice for the whole hour until medication knocked him off. We r surrounded the whole day with this. Another painful thing is communication with their parents. I see HUGE pain in parents eyes everyday & then I realised one day their pain didn t decrease over the years they just learned to live with that. I really want to leave this job but unfortunately my husband was laid off recently so quitting is not option for near future.¬†

    Yes Ana, u r right I didn’t accept the whole Koran yet as there are issues such as polygamy and some other things which I try to understand. I also struggling with hijab issues, my husband doesn’t like hijab and I m really confused. I wish I had more time to attend ladies classes at masjid, hopefully once my husband gets job I can work less hours in the week & have more time to work on my Deen.

    Anyway , got to long. Sorry once again.

     

  • Tasliyman

    October 3, 2016

    Wow, So much happening here. 

    Here’s my view.¬†

    1. Polygamy is allowed because Allah has made it permissible. 
    2. Polygamy is practiced in today’s times because Allah chooses the people who are in it, to be in it.¬†
    3. If you are constantly going to look for faults within polygamy itself, you are in fact looking for a mistake that Allah made.

    Allah dont make mistakes. 

     

     

  • Saira

    October 3, 2016

    I think many ppl commenting here and thinks first wife is the one who suffer when their husband takes second wife 

    and if she was bad or marriage was not working out he could have divorce first one 

    it’s not always the case¬†

    real man would try to be equal to wife’s and won’t let his wife spend rest of life alone raising his kids alone¬†

    and in some cases first wife is living happy marriage life and husband just wants to have more then one wife 

    in all cases I would say wife’s should either accept husband other wife or simply say to husband she don’t want to have any contact with the other one¬†

    if she plan and plot and try to hurt each other it won’t do any good in both world not here not after¬†

    it was the husband who wanted second or 3rd or4th wife’s should not be put in war to blame each other¬†

    I wasn’t told by hubby his and his my co do still have on off relationship and I must say after marriage when I found out I was ready to walk out¬†

    I took my time and accepted the fact he sleeps with her too 

    first wife can’t say 100% she was the first simply he marriage her there are cases man had many secret affairs same time¬†

    when hubby told all his family about me most of people was against that

    and belove or not hubby told me many of man in his family have secret regular haram affair 

    if man stood up and decide to have halal relationship it’s bad that women is bad she came to destroy first one life but if she is just a mistress like in Europe culture it’s normal lol

    man is the responsible if he decide to marry more then one wife I think he should do justic with all of them not give me priority by numbers and looks 

    same with wife’s they should forget about numbers and try to have the time they get with their husband¬†

    when some one phone me and tell me my co sad. This to me and that to me 

    I simply listene and don’t response¬†

    now a days ppl like to gossip and back bite this is the main problem 

    Yes it is good if first or any number of wife be honest and try to solve problem here and see life will make change if we found the root of problem beating number will not do any good to any of us 

    i think I should change my name from Saira to number 2lol

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Correction: I should say that all women have an agenda and work out of self-interest when they aren’t focused on Allah.

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Ummo4

    Thank for the advice. Iv taken note. And intend to act on it. 

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Thank you! You’re correct about not lumping people together and talking in absolutes. All wives who married 2nd aren’t a certain way neither are wives who married first. All women have an agenda and work in self interest.

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Maymah

    I think your situation could be extremely beneficial for you and polygamous women everywhere. From being a 2nd to now experiencing what a 1st goes through could be enlightening for everyone one this blog. Id love to hear more from you and help if I can. You have something special as youve married in order of 2nd before. You know how it feels and the problems you faced. Your one step ahead of a regular 1st. Again, please stay, I think we ALL could learn alot from your experience. 

  • ummof4

    October 3, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum ans hello to all,

    I haven’t commented in a couple of days, but I’ve been reading.¬† I have several comments to make to several different people that may be of some help to them.¬† Maybe by tomorrow, In shaa’Allah.¬†

    A word of caution, it is misguided to believe that you can speak for a whole group of people.¬† Concerned, I advise you to stop speaking in absolutes, “all”, “every”, “I know that’s how they all feel,”, etc.¬† You don’t know how everyone feels; only Allah knows.¬† It’s safer to say, “everyone that I know of” or “everyone that I have met.”

    Talk to you all soon, In shaa’Allah.

    Try to have a successful day obeying Allah as we should.

     

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Umm of 2,

    I wasn’t going to dignifiy Spanish’s post with an answer to all that she put forward because I recognized it for what it was worth. It’s the type of posts that one finds on haters/anti-polygamy blogs. One wouldn’t expect to hear that type of talk from someone who sincerely wants to live Islam and accept polygamy as a part of our religion. I only elaborated to make a statement to Concerned.

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Maymah

    Its definitely a place for you. You dont know how much I learn and enjoy hearing from additional wives. We need to talk openly and honesly without getting all butt hurt when were asked uncomfortable questions. I think its important to know where each other is coming from. Please stay. We 1st, 2nd, 3rds 4ths NEED to communicate to break the silence of what we think, know and do. We dont have to be on opposite sides of the world. Lets learn from one another. 

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Ana

    I think spanish came to the incorrect conclusion that polygamy is outdated because some 2nds paint themselves as these super compassionate, loving women who dont mind sharing and would never want to hurt someone. Which leads people to believe that 1st are soooo corrupt and the times are not rightand things were different back then and, and, and. When in reality its exactly the same. Women want waht they want and they’re allowed to disregard the first wife and marry the man. Allah created them with that nature to not care about a 1st wife. Why cant they just own that, its permissible for them to do what they did. They dont need to pretend to care when their not required to.¬†

    I wont tip toe round a 2nd wife lest she become “offended” by her own character. Similarly I wont tip toe round a possessive 1st. If a woman has a problem with sharing those feelings exsisted way before the 2nds arrival. The possessive, jealous nature was already there. Same with 2nds, she was already uncompassionate, and uncaring but she (probably) didnt know till it came time to show their true colours.¬†

    I dont like to liken the wives of the prophet to women of today. Mainly because non of the women of today have even an ounce of there taqwa. If I had the opportunity to marry a prophet, I do so, without care for anyone. Women of today like to compare themselves to the wives of prohet without truley understanding that they are not marring a prophet, they are marrying a regular joe. They are nothing like those rightous women. 

    Also I dont think spanish was bashing 2nd wives. It comes across like that because some 2nds get so offended when asked certain questions. 

    Its fine if we cant have this honest conversation, I know its a touchy subject. If we can try to ask and answer questions honestly without getting ones back up, I think this could be a place for all polygamous women. Not just one or the other. 

    (Sorry this is getting long) but Ana, dont we say that polygamy is allowed so therefore therw WILL be men who marru more than one and women who will marry married men. How can a woman with care and compassion marry a married man, she has to not care in order to go through with the marriage. If they all care about the first, when the 1st shows her disproval and shes aware that the 1st is going through an earthly hell. She’d ¬†cancel the wedding or divorce due to her compassionate nature. But she doesn’t, shes has her OWN interests at heart. And thats fine, its allowed. Id just like to see them own that.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Maymah,

    I haven’t forgotten about you. I was waiting till I can get to my computer to write you, as I anticipate it will be lengthy and typing on my phone at length is tedious and a lot of work for me. Insha Allah, I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.

    Saira, I will reply as soon as I can get on the computer Right now my bed is calling me for some shut eye lol

  • Umm of2

    October 3, 2016

    I refused to answer Spanish because her questions were just ridiculous and vague. How is asking someone did they marry for lust okay to someone that did not. this is not the moment of truth lol. And how is that progressing anyone’s journey if a stranger admitted to her accusations. It would just put a damper on the blog. And holding us all back from our destination and removing our focus from Allah. That’s terrible if women actually do go into polygamy with the intentions of getting rid of the first wife and family. That’s just pure evil. That’s not my case Spanish and anyone else out there wondering and if it was I would have no problem coming forward. Sis Ana if you think it’s important for us all to explain ourselves and answer Spanish invasive questions then I would gladly. I trust your judgement

    and then on top of everything else about the age difference was just bogus. When it was clearly practiced by our Holy Prophet PBUH. Age is just a number guys. Love is love. Love conquers all

  • Maymah

    October 3, 2016

    Yes indeed, now the shoe is on the other foot it’s a nasty surprise isn’t it. Well Allah knows best about our intentions. Perhaps this isn’t the place for me, a second wife, turned first wife

  • Saira

    October 3, 2016

    Aslamu Alaykum 

    many thanks to all sisters specially Ana 

    i can see many changes in my marriage and in me already and all goes to you all great ladies for supporting me and giving me sisterly advice

    May Allah make it easy for All

    and sis Ana so true what u said I should believe in my self your advise done magic 

    wish I could give u hughttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

    sister Alison so sorry about your loss but Allah plan something else for you and it was not right time for you to have baby 

    I feel for you as am pregnant and I made dua for you that Allah give you sabar and give u good new soon Ameen 

    it was my night turn and I was busy making food etc for hubby and never touched Internet lol

    dear Spanish 

    i am sorry about your sister in law 

    but really don’t understand why their kids can’t be same or won’t practice Islam¬†

    and my in laws are not horrible they just stop talking to me 

    I spoke to hubby about this last night and he said it’s not they don’t see all this¬†

    they may be giving us privacy and in the end I married him not the family or co lol

    polygamy is not horrible thing I had 3 grandmothers and I have not left Islam or hated my grandfather for this 

    if second marriage is for lust then what is first marriage for do they live like sister and Brother after getting marriage 

    sex is part of marriage not whole part in marriage 

    and you giving me advice my husband should send co for cookery classes etc 

    how do you know my husband never done or tried any thing 

    man are Allowed to have up to 4 wife’s and if first second third or number 4 is feeling left out she can choose to leave¬†

    marriage is not a slavery for men and for women 

    my husband was living with me and my co thought we not marriage and just in relationship she didn’t care any thing¬†

    but for me I rather want my husband to marry other women and have halal relationship then haram 

    i already gave my husband permission that if he ever wanted to get marriage again he will do it I won’t stop him¬†

    I am very straight forward person 

    that is why I am hurt facing mix reaction from co and in laws 

    neither you like someone or you don’t like¬†

    I hate when ppl say good things in your face and behind your back say things to hurt you 

    when I met all of my hubby a friends and rest of family most of ppl expected me to be fat and ugly looking and so do my co 

    people thinks second or third or 4th wife are despret and ugly looking and destroy families 

    men in non believers and different culture go out and impregnant young girls and women at that time their wife sitting at home doing what?

    its in mans nature to want to have more then one femal in his life 

    and Islam made is pure and halal for men to have more then one wife so every wife should know that Their husband going to sleep with same women not random women and bring sti at home 

    and what about kids what do they do I believe Spanish if they not Muslim will they still stop praying lol

    i have never showed to my co how my husband love me or never try to hurt her 

    my in laws adore her so much she is not Pakistani their son is not happy with her but they are their to support her as she don’t have support from her own family¬†

    from cooking class to cleaning every thing my mother in law teached her 

    husband are not slaves if it was opposite like my co was different and my husband was doing what she does am sure she would choose to leave 

    marriage is work shop if one person only work it never works out and it need to hire more workers 

    even if my co was doing every thing right still my husband was allowed to marry 

    not every one practise polygamy and if some people do nothing wrong with it

    its not first wife has to have husband for all life 

    if you follow Islam I don’t think it’s hard to believe¬†

    Allah can see if my co or any one plan and plot against me he is the one will deal with all of them 

    I don’t have to worry but as humen being it hurts and to express my feeling I have lovely ladies here to guide me but am sure you read all comments no one gossip and told me any bad advice like you think.

    i am proud of my decision that I am a second wife and people like you when crtisided I take it very positive way 

    May Allah guide you 

    Ameen 

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    I think there is a way that a person can express how they feel and think about their co having married the same man without it coming across as a blanket attack on women who marry men who are already married.

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Concerned,

    Thanks for educating me about vlogs.

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Furthermore, I don’t see how you don’t see Spanish’s post as anti-polygamy when she tried to paint our beloved Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH) in a negative light and portray it as a marriage based on old men marrying children at the sign of their first menses when it is a cultural thing largely practiced by wealthy Arab in Saudi Arabia and the like. My understanding is that although the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) marrired Aisha at the age of 9 (his best companion Abu Bakr wanted his own daughter to marry the Prophet), he didn’t live with her till she was 16. Spanish bad-mouth polygamy as out dated becaude she doesn’t accept the whole Quran. Did you just disregard that part of her post and only look at the part in which she bashes 2nd wives? Second wives don’t destroy anyone’s marriage. Marriages are arranged by Allah.

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Ana 

    I understand. But 1st can feel alienated when this conversation is looked over. The last post you didnt approve didnt mention another blog. A vlog is short for video blog. Its term used when a person makes videos rather than a written blog. 

     

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Concerned,

    It took a long time for wives who married in the order of 2nd, 3rd and 4th to open up and comment here. If I think that comments are alienating to them and foster hostility I will curtail the comments or not post them. We’re supposed to be trying to work together here, not ganging up on one another.

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Concerned,

    I didn’t approve your last post because it mentions another person’s blog and I don’t allow advertising for other people’s blogs.

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    First should and sometimes are honest when they say they dont care about an additional wife. They dont care of she is single and lonely for the rest of her life. They would rather see her in the gutter that with her husband. Its of bad character but its more times than not the truth. 

     

  • Concerned

    October 3, 2016

    Spanish

    I dont think your anti polygamy. I think you asked the same questions to 2nd wives that most people ask. I think we ask because it sounds to be true. Maybe ummof2 and tasliman are the exception but I really cant imagine a woman entering polygamy without either the intention or hope that the man will divorce his current wife or that she is in some way better. Of course they get the shock of their life when the truth comes to light, its when they start experiencing problems as saira is now. I know it doesn’t go down well but I dont believe that 2nds even consider the first family. Should they consider her? I dont think its required by islamic law but it certainly shows the character of a person. Id prefer an additional wife to be honest and say, no I didnt consider the first family, and I dont have to, I couldnt care less about you or your marriage, I want what I want and im allowed to marry this man. Firsts are very honest and vocal about additional wives and how they feel about them.¬†

    As we can see in the case of maymah. When the shoe is on the other foot, they cant take it. She said, how can a person do that to someone they love, but she was involved in doing the same to her husbands first wife. 

    Ana

    I dont think that just because a person asks those questions to 2nd that they are anti polygamy. Im not anti polygamy, but I would like 2nds to be honest and not just say ‘ I dont have to explain myself to you’ is it because if they say how they truley felt they may see something they dont want to? First wives have to face up to their possessive and jealous nature. They get draged up and down for their flawed character, but when we do the same to 2nds all of a sudden a person is anti polygamy. Maybe they are anti ‘bitch’. Most firsts say they would never do that to another woman (Allah knows best if they would or not) so they cannot understand that behaviour in another person. When we dont understand something we ask, thats what I think spanish is doing. She/me doesn’t understand how someone can have complete disregard for another woman knowing if they was given the choice to be an only wife they would.¬†

    Please dont shut down these type of conversation as I think it could help a lot of women, which I know is the purpose of this blog. It may ne uncomfortable for some but sometimes we need to be uncomfortable to transform into better people/muslims. 

  • Umm of2

    October 3, 2016

    Spanish i re read your post. It’s quite offensive towards second wives. I can care less but to the silent readers here or to not so silent readers on this blog who may be hanging on by a thread you took some nasty blows in your post. You can’t project what happened to you or someone else you know on every wife that didn’t marry first. You seem very volatile, you need to chill sis and focus on acceptance. Acceptance of the Quran in its entirety.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Spanish, as Umm of2 stated, this is a pro-polygamy blog. You seem to be anti-polygamy. No one is going to debate polygamy with you, nor try to defend it. I won’t tolerate you attacking women who married in the order of 2nd, 3rd or 4th either. Wives are all equal. I thought you came here in an effort to help your SIL accept her polygamous marriage.

  • Umm of2

    October 3, 2016

    Spanish welcome

    i really don’t feel the need to explain my position as a second wife on a pro polygamy blog. Not everyone is like marsh s aunt. Some of us do go into it with nothing but pure intentions. Sorry if you cannot see that. Like sis Ana mentioned time and time again we cannot pick and choose which parts of the Holy Quran to practise. Either except it in its entirety or don’t. That simple. The ways of the Holy Prophet PBUH was meant for all times as stated below.

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Plus, old men marrying young girls happens in monogamous marriages and polygamous marriages. It’s not exclusive to polygamous marriages.

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Spanish,

    I think Muslims should view a polygamous marriage as simply marriage. The only difference is the man has more than one marriage.

    The Quran is for ALL of mankind and for ALL times. It was revealed to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) who was the seal of the Prophets and it’s a confirmation of prior Books ( The Torah; The Gospel and others). Allah says we are to accept ALL of the Quran or we are no better than the unbeliever. Either a person believes or doesn’t.

  • Spanish

    October 3, 2016

    Also want to add, I guess another reason polygamy doesn’t work these days because our hearts are more corrupted today then before at the beginning of Islam. Just below MaraS wrote about her aunt who is planning to destroy first family. I think many women enter marriage these days with that plan in mind to break first wife house.¬†

  • Spanish

    October 3, 2016

    Ana, thanks for answering I see you and some sisters here very knowledgeable that s why I would never mind ur opinion, even reread ur answer to me 3 times lol. ¬†Ana, I know it is man’ s right Allah gave in Koran. But just like some scholars around the world I believe He Discourages polygamy because He knows humans can’t be just. ¬†I know Koran and sunnah valid for all times. But Ana please tell me ( I really want to know ur opinion here as I maybe confused) don’t u think the moral standards do change with time. For example in Prophet time it was normal to marry girls after their first period . Often these girls were married to me much older . Even Prophet we know married Aisha mother of believers when she was around 9 and he was ¬†I m not sure but around 50 maybe ( please correct me sisters if I m wrong). Many of us here have daughter s. I have daughter 11 and half & she got her first period recently. Can we imagine these days to marry our daughters at this age and to 50 years old men.These days it sound ugly and immmoral standard but centuries ago it was normal and usual. I know u ladies can say girls in West these days do start their sexual life that early but I think that is exception and doesn’t happen in good caring families either muslim or any other familty.

    I guess polygamy is still important in some places where it is not safe to be alone like some muslim countries or Africa, where women can’t work and provide for themselves or war zones like Sirya or Iraq. There woman need man to survive and feed kids. But I don’t think it is apply to muslim living in West. I can see here men just marry for lust which is not sunnah as our prophet didn t marry for lust. Please ladies who are second wives no offences but I guess many of u know that man married for u for that reason.

     

    Saira, 

    Your situation and cultural background very similar to case in my family. That’s why ur story touched me. I think you like many others second wives here, do feel guilty about destroyying other family. That’s why u trying justify why he married u. If he can afford second household, why he couldn’t afford to go with his wife good private family counselling or sent her to cooking classes, or hire occasional help to clean house. If u were sure he married u not for lust then why would u try to justify here by exaggerating bad qualities of his wife. If she was really that bad he would divorce her long ago but he didn t.

    Ladies who are second ( and who was aware about first wives and kids) please tell me honestly don t u feel guilt? ¬†It is thousand years wisdom ” don’t touch the nest”.

    I can see now after exploring different blogs, thar polygamy in western muslim community doesn’t work and all these blogs and desperate sisters either first or second wives live in misery until one of the wives will loose it and leave the marriage. I see even on this blig.Please don’t mind , it is just my opinion. Allah knows best.

     

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Marah S,

    You’ve got enough knowledge of polygamy now to see the writing on the wall. I think if your aunt marries the man, as Umm of2 said, your aunt is in for a rude awakening. Your aunt very well may not marry him. I could see her divorcing him, if she marries him and surprisingly realizes that he loves his wife.

    When you say the way he’s acting is as though he doesn’t love his wife, don’t most men who are intended or getting ready to take on another wife act the same way?¬† Non-Muslim men who have affairs act the same way. But, we know most of the time they do love their wives.

    I don’t think your aunt is acting unusual. Most people act in their own best interest. Based on what you’ve said, your aunt sounds like she is an attractive woman and probably intelligent, if she’s been sought after by numerous men for marriage and not for just a casual lay.

    She probably does think that the man will leave his wife for her once they are married. It’s what many women who marry married men probably think. Before I learned what I now know about polygamy, if I was going to marry a married man, I’d probably think the same – that he’d leave his wife for me. Why not? Of course, I was way arrogant and haughty back then and not as strong in faith as I am now.

    Most women don’t know what we here on this blog know about polygamy. They don’t know that the husbands more times than not love their wives and have no intention of leaving them. A man who doesn’t love his wife and finds another woman usually¬† divorces his wife, so he could be solely with the other woman.

    About the man’s wife being “ugly”, wives or intendeds always size up the other women and try to find fault in them. I think it a natural thing to do. It’s a competitive thing.¬† If your aunt is plotting and planning the divorce of her intended, she’s thinking about the attributes that she has that the other wife lacks. She’s thinking about what would make him leave the wife. There is something about the “ugly” woman that he’s attracted to, if he’s married to her.

    I don’t think your aunt is acting contrary to what how women in general act, based on the stories I’ve read on this blog, more so the older version of the blog.

    I was a bit taken back when you said that she went to Hajj to pray for a husband and she flirted and courted him while there. I learned a lot when I was at Hajj. People go there for many things. Some go there and steal and commit crimes. The host of the group that my hubz and I went to Hajj with let us know that we’d see all types of things. We had to attend classes before we went, so we were somewhat prepared. I don’t think anyone could be totally prepared. I know I wasn’t.

    If your aunt does marry the guy, Insha Allah, she’ll have a shoulder to cry on (yours) or she’ll just up and leave the marriage. She sounds to have it that way. Allah knows best.

  • Maymah

    October 3, 2016

    I have been following this blog for over 3 or 4 years when I had my first polygamy “scare”. Hahaha, Hubby told me he was getting married because of a few things I was doing wrong- now a brief background of us. we are cousins of Northern Nigerian origin. this is both our second marriage even though he married me as a second wife. things didn’t work out well with his first wife so she left and I raised her 3 kids. unfortunately we lost 2 of them to sickle cell anemia, but the surviving daughter is now at university and I couldn’t be more proud. So anyway the first time hubby ” threatened” with polygamy I was devastated! I felt it was the most horrible thing to do to someone you love, to claim to want to marry again because of one or two things over which a good talk would certainly send the message home. we happen to be very good friends and communicate very well, so you can imagine how disappointed in him I was. Anyway I filed that away but lived with that hanging over my head- like make a wrong step and I replace you (so manipulative). This year around June we had another issue and basically didn’t have sex for 2 months, he was waiting for me to apologise and same with i- but I was determined to make a point. usually I would find a way to make peace but somehow ,I don’t want to blame shaitan, but I felt his arrogance was getting out of hand. anyway after we made up he said to me that during that time he made up his mind to marry again “even if he was going to die”. A few weeks later he says to me he’s met someone and he’s going to propose, this happened in september, in October they paid the mahr and are basically working round setting a wedding date. I am 39 years old, hubby is 49 years old, this girl is tops 21 years. (seeing this in writing scare me more!) Alhamdulillah I have a good job, im educated and I have 4 kids ages 14-2. we have been married 15 years of mostly a good marriage. his relatives have all called and encouraged me to have sabr and take it as qadr . I can’t help my fears 1. I doubt his ability to be just between a 40 year old me and a 20-something young thing 2. I’m so scared of the unknown really. But mostly I mourn our good life and how basically I think he’s ruined a good thing ?????.¬†I’ve read a lot of literature on polygamy and I know it’s all his problem, mine is to conquer my nafs from jealously and envy and maintain my duty as a wife and mother.¬†Well I’m back here for good now, I am looking for support (I have a huge support base but of course we could always do with more!!!!) It’s great to talk with others living the same life and experiencing the same situation. The differences in culture exist but basically I’d say they’re all the same. Northern Nigeria got its penal code from Pakistan, so when my Pakistani sisters speak of issues or women married to Pakistani men I see a lot of similarities with our own men.¬†Anyway I’m back for good as I said. Time for fajr prayer. Later!!!!

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2016

    Musakaleem, Wa Alaikum As Salaamhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Thanks for thinking of us and stopping in. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • Musakaleem

    October 2, 2016

    Asa everyone …. passingby.

  • Umm of2

    October 2, 2016

    Marsh S

    so sorry you’re going through this. People do tend to show their true selves, true colours in times like these. I know from being apart of this blog for as long as you have you know enough to know for sure your aunt is in for a very rude awakening if she continues down this path in this manner. She sounds like she’s in way deep. Sometimes the ones we love are blinded by lust or desperatness or whatever and no matter what advice she’s given ¬†she’s deaf to it. She may have to go through this to realise what time it is. Your aunt should know the difference between Allah answering her dua or the shayateen. She prayed to Allah for a husband. Fine. Allah is all pure. When Allah answers dua it’s in the purest halal way. Going to hajj a place where all your love attention and devotion should be on Allah but instead you’re flirting with a married man and courting him is not pure. It’s impure and impurity, filthyness and the like is from shaytaan.¬†

    May Allsh purify our intentions and our hearts and allow us to exercise patience when we pray for things and trust that Allah Hears all and will answer us when it’s best for us. Ameen¬†

  • Marah S

    October 2, 2016

    So my family is experiencing a polygamy crisis right now. My aunt is wanting to marry a man as his second wife. I would 100% support her and be happy for her If it wasn’t for the fact that she is being so evil. She’s been wanting to get married for almost 10 years now. She’s always been a picky person and has turned down 15 men over the past years because she didn’t think they were good enough for her. I guess she decided now that she’s ready to settle down and take whatever she can get. She met this man at hajj, he went without his wife so they spent the whole hajj flirting and courting one another. She says her entire reason for going to hajj was to pray for a husband so when she found this man there’s no way she was letting him go. There are many aspects of this potential marriage that already sound like a really bad idea, this man claims he loves his wife but the way he’s acting shows the complete opposite. But the part that’s really making me upset is how my aunt is acting towards the mans wife and kids. They don’t know about her yet, and she keeps talking about how his wife is so ugly compared to her, and how she’s so sure that he will end up leaving his wife for her. She’s already planning ways to separate them and make him leave his family. I know that not all second wives come into marriages wanting to break up a man and his first wife. And I really did not expect this from my own aunt. I just don’t get how she can be so cruel and heartless. This man has three kids the oldest is 10 and his youngest ¬†is 2, how can she wish for him to abandon his small children for her. She acts like she’s so religious and so kind and sweet but she’s showing a completely different face. I don’t even want to talk to her anymore. everytime she starts talking like this I just want to hang up on her but I don’t want to be rude.

  • anabellah

    October 2, 2016

    Spanish, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome!

    It’s so nice that some more of the silent readers are coming forward and letting their voices be heard ūüôā It’s so good to have you here with us. You said you will continue, so I look forward to hearing more from you.

    I’m sorry to hear your SIL is going through so much. Many of us here know what she is going through. My heart goes out to her. Insha Allah, you’ll be able to help her move forward and get to a good place by reading the material on this blog and communicating with us.

    It saddens me to hear that the the teenagers have stopped praying and how the girl thinks and feels because of what has happened. It makes me ask what they have believed as Muslims all these years. Islam should be about believing in Allah and worshiping Him. I don’t know how anyone who truly believes could turn away from Allah when things don’t go their way. It’s not about us. It’s about Allah. Difficult times is when we should dig in deep, grow nearer to Allah and hold on with all our might because we need His help and guidance so much. Polygamy is a part of our way of life as Muslims. The teenagers never learned that and apparently never learned that we should accept the entire Quran. Sadly, some people just say they are Muslim and go through the motions of praying and saying, for instance, As “Salaamu Alaikum”, “Alhumdulliah”, “Suhkran” etc. There is so much more to Islam than it. There is a Book (Quran) full of knowledge, a guidance and a warning to mankind. It simply baffles me when I hear that a person has turned away from Allah when the going gets tough and they don’t like the turn of events. We’ve heard on this blog of some people who have left Islam because of some misfortune that has happened to them.

    I understand that we could lose consciousness of Allah while going through a thing and we may become neglectful not intentionally, but it’s a different thing to INTENTIONALLY get angry with Allah and stop praying etc.

    I hope you don’t mind me speaking my mind about it.

    Thank you for sharing. I look forward to hear more from you ūüôā

  • Spanish

    October 2, 2016

    Salam Ana and all sisters,I am silent reader of this blog for last one month. First of all, I m not directly involved in polygamy ( however Allah testing me through by other challenge). Sorry for mistakes, English not my first language. Polygamy affected my sister in law. I love her even more probably than my mother and real sister, she taught me Islam ( I’m converted muslim) and my best friend for the last 13 years. ¬†Her husband took second wife few years ago. Reason I decided to write today is that Saira story very familiar to what happened in our extended family. I m from Europe origin, my husband and his family pakistani but we all reside in Canada. All this affected the whole family greatly, me too as I m very attached emotionally with my SIL. Her kids who are teenagers now will be never the same. They stopped praying, girl swear she will never trust any man and marry. The last couple years living hell for everyone including new wife. Recently last few months it is escalated again ( I guess that is what u call roller coaster). We all live near by to each other so it is very hard not to be involved. SIl is very exhausted by now as it is going on for 3 years already. Second wives call it inadequacy and craziness of first wives. Will continue soon.¬†

     

  • anabellah

    October 2, 2016

    Saira,

    You need to believe for yourself that your co is EQUAL to you as a wife to your husband. If you think she is better than you, no one can make you think differently. The only thing that makes a difference is righteousness. Allah says the most honorable person is the most righteous person. Be the most righteous. Be the best servant to Allah. It is what differentiate one wife from the co-wife and nothing else does.

    I know it hurts when people try to harm us whether it be a co-wife wanting and wishing for a husband to divorce another or trying to alienate people from her or just outright hating on her due to jealousy and envy. It’s going to happen. We have to learn to disregard it, not let it affect us. Allah sees and knows all things. Let Him deal with them. If they aren’t oppressing us or physically harming us, we don’t necessarily need to act. It’s where patience comes in. It could be a test for us. Allah says exercise patience in all that betides us. Allah has a plan. We worry ourselves needlessly most of the time.

    We have our jobs cut out for us. It’s hard work on ourselves, but it’s doable and we can come out winners. All we need to do is what Allah says and we will be triumphant and victorious. It’s what He promises to the believers. We need to believe what Allah says. It’s what belief is all about Alhumdulliah.

  • anabellah

    October 2, 2016

    Dear Alison,

    I, too, am so very sorry to hear about your loss. Alhumdulliah, you’ve got a great support system.

    I love your attitude. As you said, Allah knows what is best for us. He has it all planned out. Stay strong and keep the faith. It just wasn’t time for you to have a child right now. Tomorrow is another day. Everything is going to be okay.

    I love you, too, my dear sister-in-faith.

  • Alison

    October 2, 2016

    Dear karima

    Thank you for your kind words alhamdulilah i have a great support system around me. Allah knows best and He will reward me with better. Thanks dear

  • Karima

    October 2, 2016

    sis Alison I’m so sorry t hear about ur miscarriage:( I also had one before my first child was conceived n burned n for me it was extremely painful( cause that was the time Husband s Co entered his life) sigh. Anyway I wish for u to feel better soon inshallah I hope you have support n kindness around you!!! If not Allahuakbar if you are close to him He will give you the strength to get over it and move on isnhallah soon

  • Karima

    October 2, 2016

    Salam

    happy October month everyone:)

    Saira the sisters gave u excellent advice Mashallah!!! Inshallah things will improve n ull feel better soon

  • Alison

    October 2, 2016

    Hey beautiful ladies Asalam aleikum… Anna i forgot it’s a new month so many things going on had a miscarriage but alhamdulilah am much better

    Love you

  • anabellah

    October 2, 2016

    Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum ūüôā

    I’m with all the other ladies hear who think you are a very sweet and kind person. I can understand you wanting to have a nice, friendly, warm relationship with your co and you want you all to be as a family. I totally understand it. I know where you’re coming from.

    It’s good you’re willing to listen and maybe learn a thing or two from many of us who know quite a bit about polygamy from a hands on perspective. When your co shows you that she doesn’t want to be bothered with you, back up off her and let her alone. Don’t, don’t, don’t chase her. She will only keep running from you and you will end up feeling and looking like a fool. My favorite motto is, “What you run from chases you and what you chase runs from you.” We should only be chasing Allah. When we turn towards something other than Allah, Allah turns that thing away from us.

    I agree with everyone here who said you have to make your own happiness. Right now your co and the in-laws apparently care nothing about you. It’s okay. Things are NOT going to be the way that we want them to be all the time. We need to remember that things are the way Allah has made them. We need to wrap our heads around that fact. Everything is the way that Allah has willed it and we shall not will except as Allah wills. We need to accept Allah’s decisions.

    Maybe one day the co and the in-laws will come around and treat you well and if not so be it. Work on getting yourself closer to Allah. Block out the co and the in-laws. You’re doing good in asking him not to discuss those people with you. Let him know that you are working on yourself and he can help, by not bringing his other and his problems with the other to you.

    Stop kissing his butt. Stop sucking up to him and maybe he’ll begin to respect you more. Don’t treat him like he’s royalty because he’s not. Devote your love and attention to Allah the Magnificent and more. You may find that your husband begins to treat you better and love you more because of it.

  • Jasmina

    October 2, 2016

    Saira

    i read this now and though I’d share with you with regards to your in laws and co:

    “You should be patient when you are subjected to the criticism and condemnation of deviant and corrupt people. ¬†The struggle between good and evil, between right and falsehood and between righteous people and evil ones will go on until the day of resurrection.”

  • Concerned

    October 2, 2016

    Saira

    Welcome. You do seem so sweet and caring. I could be wrong here but it sounds like your missing the familu atmosphere, Pakistanis usally have 10s of people around them 24 7. Maybe you feel lonely and want to have a relationship with your co wife, in laws etc to lessen the lonliness. Polygamy can get lonely for most of us. Try to make friends at the masjid or at womens groups, have a life outside of the polygamous situation.

     You said you are feeling left out. This is common in polygamy but also necessary. You have ur marriage and she has hers, mixing the two is a recipe for jealously and bad feelings. Women need to come to terms with being left out and leaving others out to have a healthy marriage. As you have experienced leaving others out of your marriage has been of benefit. So dont feel bad when ur left out of her marriage. 

    Its normal for your co to be ok with you one minute and hate you the next. She learning how to deal polygamy. I wouldn’t leave her in ‘control’ of your relationship as shes very volatile. Its best you keep your distance like you have already been doing by blocking her number.¬†

    No ones marriage is perfect, everybody has problems. So dont think that your co has a happy go lucky life and your struggling. Life is a struggle. She may have problems that you dont and you may have problems that she dont. Nevertheless problems are problems, we all have them. 

    ¬†Im sure you feel better having written it all out on here. Dont worry about writing “books” we could probably all write a book on our polygamy story, and we’d still have more to say lol.¬†

     

  • Umm of2

    October 2, 2016

    Saira

    ps- don’t depend on anyone but Allah for your happiness and peace of mind. You will NEVER be disappointed

  • Umm of2

    October 2, 2016

    Saira welcome. 

    All in all you seem really sweet and compassionate. One thing you can do now to change your thinking and get some peace in your heart is stop trying to please everyone because you will always be disappointed. Stop trying to take care of everyone all the time and take time to take care of your mental health. Let things go and let it all fall into place naturally. If it’s meant for you and your co to be friends or cordial then stop forcing it. It will happen at its own time. For now, focus on your marriage with your husband. Stop trying to fix his marriage with his other wife that’s not your job and it’s a lot to take on. If she’s being evil and caniving by using the children as pawns then trust and believe Allah hears and sees all and will bring justice to the situation. Nothing goes unnoticed by Allah. About your in laws, I’ve read here on the blog Pakistani in laws they either love you or hate you sadly. Don’t let them or anyone for that matter control your sadness your happiness, your emotions, nothing about you. If they don’t want to involve you in their celebrations then have a family of your own or you can meet people outside of your family make friends and celebrate with them.¬†

  • Jasmina

    October 2, 2016

    Saira 

    that is pretty much my situation and I’m still trying to figure it out. Except I was a first wife, makes no difference. Stay strong¬†

  • Saira

    October 2, 2016

    Ana ,Waalaykum Aslam 

    many thanks for warm welcome and lovely advice .

    i been very low in my hard situation and I been getting and having negative thoughts about my self and my situation where one point I beloved Allah does not love me and he love to see me all alone and in pain 

    I was just thinking I does not belong with my husband and he and his other wife are perfect and I am just an outsider I believe the way I been made to feel I was not all my thoughts but glad I been reading all ladies and decided to ask Allah for my all pain 

    many days I cudnt sleep or eat and been thinking to stand up for my self .

    few weeks before eid hubby had fight with me and he blow up in his family house and said he want to leave me and I said same I want To leave him too 

    and his family made him stay away from me and give me divorce and I went to stay in my own house where I use to live before hubby I marriage with hubby.

    i stayed almost 10 days without seeing hubby and he only txt and fight and tells me he wants to make up but his family wants him to divorce me

    after many days he decide to give chance to our marriage and we both sat down and 

    had a chat and we both relize our mistakes 

    I only want from him to not invole any one in our fight and stay calm with me 

    He told me his family wanted him to divorce me and he was told to stay away from me for some time 

    I had hard time all that time where I didn’t know if he will divorce me or not¬†

    he then relize involving any one in fight not a good idea 

    since then no one talk to me and refuse me to celebrate eid with them and I celebrated my eid on namaz mat with Allah 

    the things hurts me most is every one knows my hubby is emotional and he have high temper and when ever he had fight vd his other one and when ever I get to know from her I always try to comfort her and gave her support and try hard to path things up 

    and I was shocked to learn each time when ever hubby argue vd me she try to show she is good vd me but mean time try to convince hubby he is right and I don’t deserve him and am u greatful bitch to him¬†

    but after each fight hubby come more closer to me Alhamdulilh 

    after all this family huge pressure he is giving me my time and every thing like he does to his other one 

    and I must say many times I am in low mood and he cheer me up but sometime he is in mood without my fault and I feel bad 

    but Alahmdulil he relize now his co didn’t accept me deep down and she shows in his face she is good with me but deep down and behind my back she try to plot things and his family takes things in her side always and don’t give me chance like they gave her.

    hubby and I are having best time of our marriage now and he thinks it’s all because he and I don’t tell our day to day things to family and co wife.

    i must say I been struggling vd this behaviour from co where in my hard time she tryied hard to make hubby divorce me it is still shock to me and I still cry over their behaviour with me 

    all family and co and very in to religion and I feel hard to believe how can they hurt  me so much all togather 

    but now I changed my self if I feel hurt and jelous I make dua and try hard and Ask Allah to take those feeling away and make dua for my self and co 

    mari2 

    my co is not my husband cousin neither I am 

    she is revert and hubby is Pakistani hubby grow up in both countries from early age as family lived but they been going in back home for on off time .

    i agree when you said hubby should not give altimate to his first one for second marriage or divorce 

    he had temper issue and trust issue but his temper is not for days he alway make up vd both of us and treat us good 

    when hubby was telling her either her will get other wife or divorce her it was not treat at all 

    there were many time when family members sat down and try to solve matters between them and agree on things and have told loud and clear to co that this thing will happen. If things don’t get batter¬†

    he even got written paper where he ask for things and gave time to other one 

    and it was not like 6 moths or hear it was more then that 

    both made agreement and I seen all that before I got marriage as I wanted to know all before I get marriage 

    hubby done all to keep up all promice and she didn’t and he got me¬†

    she even told me that she regrets that she never took her marriage in serious way and now she has to share him 

    but also she was pleased he didn’t quit the marriage and then after some time she started seeing difference in her marriage in positive way¬†

    she accepted hubby was spending good time with her and kids 

    and she came to my house and. Seen how I was keeping things 

    and I teacher her things to as she said she didn’t raised in this culture so she don’t know all¬†

    she Seen me and hubby and use to feel low but I made her feel good and she started to feel good things in this marriage where sometime I cook food and send their and some time she does and all sort of things 

    where she had time to her self and I get to do things own my own too 

     but then she started to act different every other day 

    she say things to me accidentally about her and hubby which hurt me and I told hubby 

    hubby went away few times alone to have his time 

    as he get so frustrated she and I started to demand so much 

    hubby told me she try to copy me and alway ask for things like we do 

    I don’t drive so if he takes me for shopping she would ask same where she got car and she can go¬†

    I don’t get one day to spend vd hubby where she gets coz of kids¬†

    but she still complains 

    to keep kids and her happy hubby been doing so much to keep her mood happy and that things was eating me up 

    hubby try to give me one day a week where we can spend day together and it was not alway easy to do 

    she alway try to bring kids in between to spoil my day and hubby won’t say no to her¬†

    I slowly gave up on idea where I will get amount of time and care like her 

    I stop comparing my self from all that 

    I don’t have any contact with her I block her and I just try to read Holy books and prayers to focus my self on Allah¬†

    I deep down want to have a proper day or week where I know hubby will come home this time where ever his night was and we got day to look ahead and we can plan things or have a lazy day at him without worrying but it’s a wish I make to Allah from now on.

    i try to ask hubby not to talk about her when around me and don’t tell me what is she doing now a days and how she behave bad when he goes other house from my house .

    i made promice to my self I will work out this marriage for sake of Allah 

    not will not let any lie or plotting against me destroy my inner peace and happiness 

    but deep down I will be happy if my co ever come to talk to me or have a gut to say she is sorry and she been bahaving bad to me 

    and she should now understand I am his wife too now and no matter what happens I will be his wife and all this evil act won’t bring any goodness to us.

    i wish she can be my friend and sister and understand and make things easy for our husband 

    where he have to run two houses to please all of us 

    I am on a quote mode and leaving every thing in Allahs hands now and as you all said I should focus on Allah and I should not thinks my co and husband problem as my problem and let them deal their problem on their own 

    but same time I would want all of your to guide me where I am wrong and what I should do and don’t¬†

    sorry agin I wrote bookhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2016

    saira,   As Salaamu Alaikum, Welcome!https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    It’s nice to hear that you’ve been with us for some time and have now come forward to talk with us. Please don’t worry about your spelling, grammar, English or any of those things. It’s not what’s important. We understand what you’re saying and if a time comes when we don’t, Insha Allah, we’ll ask.

    I’m happy you’ve met Mari2. What she said is super important. It’s what you need to know to get you closer to Allah.

    You need to know that Allah created us to serve and worship Him. It’s why we’re on this earth. If we don’t obey Him, then we will suffer in this world and the Hereafter. It’s not to say that we won’t have periods of relief. We will.¬† The only way to know what Allah expects of us is to read the Quran and ask Allah to give us understanding and guidance.

    Thank you for sharing your story, so we know more about your situation to advise you better.

    Jealousy and envy seems to be the two problems that wives in polygamous marriages struggle with the most. It would be nice if there was an easy remedy or solution to the problem, but there isn’t. There is no pill that one can take to make it magically go away.

    Only Allah can remove those negative emotions from our hearts. We need to do what He says. We need to do our part in order for Allah to give us all the good that He promises the Believer.

    If you try to serve Allah simply so your life will get better, you need to rethink that.¬† We shouldn’t serve Allah to get our desires fulfill. We need to serve Allah because we want to be believers and we believe what He says. We should serve Allah because we’re supposed to obey Him.

    What I got from your post is that you are having problems with your co-wife and the in-laws and you want things to be different between you and them. You want things to be good with you and them.

    First, they are their own individual persons, separate from you. You can’t control what they do. It took me a long time to realize that I can’t make people be what I want them to be. I can’t make them do what I want them to do.

    You need to leave the co-wife alone unless you accept that she is going through a thing to and she very well may be nice one day and mean another. She may be struggling with being in a polygamous marriage. She may want to hurt you or show you that her and your husband loves her.

    You think he wanted another wife because she didn’t keep the house clean etc. It’s what she may think. You may think it and the husband may as well. Bottom line is Allah determined that he would marry you and it had nothing to do with what a dirty, nasty housekeeper she was or how much sex she gave him or didn’t give him.

    About the in-laws, the same thing. They are who they are. They feel about you as they do and there is nothing you can do about it. Let them be.

    You have to try to make Allah your priority. He is what matters. Only He can change your life. All the worldly things you speak of are all what is causing you torment and pain.

    If you have any questions, feel free to ask. If you want to share more, please do. We don’t care how long post are. It doesn’t matter. Again,¬† it’s nice to have you here https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

     

  • Mari2

    October 1, 2016

    Saira,

    Lets break down your issues into simple parts….

    You are a second wife and that is permissable.  Whether your husband kept it secret or not is his problem, not yours.

    Your husbands problems with wife 1 are also his and her problems.  Not yours.  Of course her family and his are taking her side.  Shes his cousin.  Be glad you dont have to live with them.

    I am the first wife of my husband and he married a second wife (his cousin) years later with my knowledge but never told anyone except his mom that he already had a wife. ¬†When his cousin found out that she was a second wife, she had a fit. ¬†She is still currently living in Pakistan. ¬†Sometimes M likes to remind me that “everyone tells me to divorce you”. ¬†Not sure who “eveyone” is, but am sure Allah is not one of them. ¬†

    However, ¬†your husband sounds a bit emotionally manipulative. As is mine from time to time when he forgets that I am not a destitute female beholden upon him for my livelihood. ¬†For your husband to tell his first wife that if she doesnt change then he will get another? ¬†That isnt Islam. ¬†Thats emotional blackmail, and abusive. And quite Pakistani IMO. ¬†Ah the threat of divorce, or the threat to marry another…its the modis operandi for many of the men. ¬†Especially the village boys who were raised as gods by their mothers. ¬† I think that her animosity toward you may be borne out of her husband telling her that he married you because she wasnt “good enough” in some way. ¬†Fortunately you have your own accomodations. ¬†

    You need to read the Quran with understanding of the words.  So many are taught to read or recite in Arabic which is only good when one can understand and comprehend Arabic.  M can regurgitate the Quran in Arabic, but has no comprehension of the words.  All the answers you seek are in the Quran.  But you must read for understanding and be willing to set aside the cultural norms you were raised with.  

     

  • Jasmina

    October 1, 2016

    Blog is working for me now, thank you!

  • saira

    October 1, 2016
    1. Sorry ment to write Mari 2 
    2. sorry for wrong spelling in my post too as I English is not my first language 
    3. and am new to post my story so don’t know rules and regulationhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif
  • saira

    October 1, 2016

    Dear ana 

    thanks you for replying to my comment 

    I face many difficulties in life since I came from Pakistan and got divorce my life was never easy .

    i got marride in Pakistan with my cousin and came to live abroad with their family 

    me and my husband were in teen age when we got marriage 

    but soon I came to abroad after few years he was in relationship with non Muslim and he left his parents and I was divorce 

    after many years I got marriage again and had a baby boy 4 years ago 

    I met this person thru friends and I wanted to settle down and have family 

    life got hard and he started to have haram relation with white girls and then I fell pregnant and had a baby boy 4 years ago 

    he and I separated as he was not wanting to settle down and leve haram relationships

    and I ended up divorce again 

    my son was born with many illness which result in a lot stress and I was alone and become homeless that time 

    I was in anti desperation mediation as well that time and my son took not well and in Hospiatl they found he had internal bleed and social services took my son away from me when he was only 5 month old 

    since then I am fighting to get his custody 

    I met my husband when I was dealing with all this tension 

    I knew him before but never got to know him much and I use to like him but I knew he was marriage so I didn’t thought any thing¬†

    I was going tru very hard time when I contend him and we bagain to meet up and then he offer me to be his second wife.

    he told him all his story why he wanted 

    and we starting to like each other and I did ask peopl who knew him and his family too 

    mad I didn’t wanted to distory any one peaceful life¬†

    but every one told me he is in real need of partner 

    his other wife is revert and has two kids with her I didn’t knew how his relation was with her I ask his sister and found out all the things he was saying it was true and he was never after lust or just to have a another wife.

    But i didn’t knew much how is their relationship like if they intimate or not .

    i don’t istkhara and it came good and we got marriage after very short time¬†

    life was very good 

    in beginning my husband is great man but he has problem with doubt and alway look at things and has trust issue 

    I am dealing with jealousy and as well as his trust issue 

    he use to check my phone every thing 

    he says because I am young and good looking and he had this trust issue and he feel bad when shaytan make him do that .

    i am not a mature person I get so fed up with things and I just think in my mind I should stay alone but then I look at him after any heated argument how madly he loves me .

    our marriage was secret in start but my husband didn’t hide like ppl do¬†

    he told his friend when ever any one sees us togather and he love to tell any one .

    he made many attempts to fix his marriage with his first wife 

    he has a. Good nature and he would do any thing to please all ppl around him specially me.

    he been telling his wife from many years if she won’t change he will get another wife¬†

    I don’t want to back bite but just to tell little about her so u know what things he wanted from wife¬†

    his first request was to me that he would give me any thing but he would love to see house well clean his cloths washed and press on time and to have fresh home made food every other day when he back from work and he all sorts of things wife should do at home for her husband.

    his main issue was discpline in house and have a healthy life style 

    I did witness many things in his other house which not any man would tolerate 

    and he gives any thing we ask him from bread and milk to holidays and luxury 

    I love him so much I never love any one in my life the way I feel for him and he does same .

    after few months his first wife seen his fone and she found out he is already marriage now vd me 

    she argue and fight with him but after getting marriage to me he was speanding few hours every day and some night vd me and he told me when ever she ask where u going and he tells her to meet my other wife .

    she just ignore that but when she found out she made huge fuss and went to his parents to tell them and no one actually said any thing bad to him as every one knew how she was neglecting him and kids and stuffing her self and putting weight on 

    after fight and all she started to accept when he shared nights 

    me and hubby went away for few days and when we back she was on my door screaming on me ( she and kids went for holidays before me and hubby took me for 3 days after them)

    that was the day she took my number from his phone and then her drama start 

    it’s been over a year she becom very good sister then again in few days time she becom evil and do things bad to me¬†

    I could not understand her personally till now 

    we becom friends and next minute enemy .

    i am straight person I would rather want to have one relationship either good or bad.

    i use to be very normal Person but when ever I sit vd her she say something which eat me up inside and then when I ask hubby he tells me different story 

    she try to break me many times 

    she has full support from in law as 

    they alway take her side 

    I only been in few wide in I laws but this year I was left alone .

    hubby and I had fight and all turn against me and I am alone vd no family support 

    where she goes and tell lies and make me bad person in their eyes 

    it’s been few months now I don’t speak to any in laws they cut contact with me:

    i feel Jelous and hurt I been trying very hard and I got blame and ignore 

    now it’s been two months me and hubby are fine no fight nothing at all Alhamdulilh¬†

    i feel hurt from in laws and from her .

    when ever she use to say things to me about hubby I alway try to say opposite and try to hide how good hubby is with me as I didn’t want to hurt her feeling¬†

    where she lies and tells things which aren’t true to break me.

    when she become good with me I use to go to her house help her clean cook and do things to help her and even hide my phone incase hubby txt me and she sees and get hurt where she try hard to show me if he calls her and txt her to show me how he love her 

    I am hurt and jealous 

    hubby gives me one night and give her one night and he try to spend few hour in each house every day 

    only things eating me up that this women use to have blind eyes when hubby use to go out with other women when he was trying to get marriage 

    but soon he is marriage and she knows am his wife she plot things 

    when ever she get in mood she use to txt me me fight and I cant not stop that no one stop her 

    even once she called me and said she will come in my house to fix me just because hubby fight with her for keeping house dirty 

    and she blame me for that and she use to go to in laws and say I been bad to her 

    my in laws were good but her lies and hubby short temper I lost them as well 

    few months ago my co fight vd hubby and went away for few days I that time keep calling and texting her and I even offer her to take me as well so she can have relax mind 

    when she came back I try to be nice and kept calm hubby so they don’t fight and she told every one that I enjoyed fight¬†

    I am struggling to get my child back and all these politics eating me up 

    I ended up blocking her number now 

    I stop taking any of silly fight from hubby and try to focus on Allah i would die to keep every one happy and do every thing to keep peace but I get all this 

    I am struggling to find out who is real my co wife when she nice or when she twist things and lie to me to break my trust in hubby 

    hubby no longer want me to hear any thing from his family or from her as he thinks it’s alway a gossip to hurt me¬†

    but I am not in peace all alone and feeling low and that’s why I wanted help from all of yous¬†

    I am so sorry I wrote book as I was despret to share my feeling and many many things I want to share day to day life to get advice and to keep my mood good for hubby to have peace full life https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • Mari2

    October 1, 2016

    Saira,

    Welcome to this blog.  You mentioned that you are one of two wives.  And you mentioned struggling with jealousy.  Jealousy is a normal feeling, but one which can be over come by pulling closer to Allah.  Pray.  Read Quran.  Let the words of Allah wash over you.  Cry to Allah and pray for him to bring peace to your heart and strengthen your resolve when shaitan whispers.

    As a woman married to a man from Pakistan, I have come to know that while polygamy is a given option in Islam, many from the Pakistani culture look down upon it.  Are you a secret second wife?  Or do you live with your husband and his first wife?  What are the details of your situation?  What is bringing you stress or leading you to feelings of jealousy?

    All of us here have experience with polygamy, but our experiences and backgrounds differ.  So any details that you feel comfortable sharing can help other sisters here to advise you. 

    May the peace of Allah be with you always.

  • saira

    October 1, 2016

    Dear Ana 

    Alla dear Ladies I am a silent reader to this blog and been making courage to writ my heart but always feel shy to do so.

    i am second wife of my husband and want to work out my marriage and fight the horrible jealousy and bitterness associated with this relationship 

    my all family lives in different country and I came in this country many years back from Pakistan I got divorce and long story short

    i just want help all of your ladies to give me advice to tolerate things and make me batter person and help me to connect well with Allah and help me to make my eman strong and get this jealousy out of my system 

    i fear for my eman more then any thing 

    as I have no one to guide me and I get whispers from shaytan all the time 

    I just want to be batter person and be close to Allah and have positive nature 

    and I would be happy when I do discuss my situation I would want to get good advice 

    I don’t want to hear things to make me feel batter but real friend is who point out your mistakes and try to tell you in best way¬†

    i think when I can confront my own self trou you ladies it will be huge achievement for me to be a batter person. And batter Muslim 

    i don’t want jealousy eat my eman up like its been doing¬†

    looking forward to hear all of you 

    wasalam

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2016

    It was a touching moment after a baby was rescued from the rubble in Aleppo, Syria. What is happening there is so sad…
    Is polygamy a doable test, if it is a test?

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2016

    Concerned,

    It’s one reason I wrote the book-because what was on the older blog was so well received. It left a lasting impression on many. After I closed, wiped out the older blog and started a new, I mentioned in a post that I intended to write a novel based on the story that was on the older blog. Alhumdulliah Allah brought it to fruition, for which I’m grateful ūüôā

    It’s amazing how all the attacks on me by some in cyberspace sparked a chain reaction and hence the blog and I are where we’re at today, at a good place. We never know what Allah has planned. ūüôā

  • Concerned

    October 1, 2016

    Ana

    I haven’t read ur book but if its anything like the old blog, I know why ummof2 cried and laughed. Some parts of the old blog have stayed in my mind for the past 5 years.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2016

    Sis Umm of2,

    I’m happy to hear you enjoyed it. Thanks for giving me the feedback. I think the novel will benefit a lot of people, Insha Allah in many ways. Just writing it, although an emotional experience was therapeutic and rewarding for me. Thanks again, my friend:-)

  • Umm of2

    October 1, 2016

    Sis Ana I just finished the book. It was a real page turner. My eyes were glued. It was like a good movie that I didn’t want to end. I have a whole new level of respect for you and all first wives in polygamy. Thanks so much. It really truly moved me. At times I cried, I laughed. Job well done sis. A wonderous polygamous succes story. You game out winner.¬†

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2016

    Ditto that, Sis ummof4!

  • Umm of2

    October 1, 2016

    I love the quote as well ūüôā

    A new month of discussions alhamdullilaah 

    everyone enjoy your weekend and remember Allah subahana wa taala because surely in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. 

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2016

    Tasliyman, I love it too. I thought it was appropriate for all of us. Insha Allah, I’m going to try to put it in effect ūüôā

  • Tasliyman

    October 1, 2016

    Be brave and do hard¬†things…….. I love that Ana. I will make that my motto for this month In-sha Allah¬†https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2016

    umm of 2, I made it to midnight https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif Now, I’m going to go chill. Insha Allah, I’ll chat with you soon.

    alison,  hello, my friend. Where rrrrr you?

    Hello everybody https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif,  I look forward to chatting with everyone soon, Insha Allah. Have a good day or night whatever it is in your part of the world.

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for October 2016. We thank you all for being here. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussion. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the September 2016 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is: Polygamy 411 September 2016 Discussions