October 2017 Discussions

Welcome to our October 2017 discussions. Simply jump right in and share your experiences or thoughts about polygamy in Islam. What’s on your mind?

October 2017 Discussions

October 2017 discussions

81 Comments

  • anabellah

    November 8, 2017

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    That’s weird. I just clicked on it and the “Join the Discussions” post popped up. I was doing some work on the blog today and maybe I unintentionally did something that caused it. Thank you for letting me know. Insha Allah, I’ll look into it now.

  • Serena

    November 8, 2017

    Asalaam alaikum

    Ana

    I can’t open the November page or post there. When I click on November 2017 a different page comes up.

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All,

    polygamy 411 October 2017 Discussions

    Once again we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the October 2017 discussions and welcome in a new month.

    Please join us at: November 2017 Discussions

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2017

    Shattered,

    I totally know what you are going through and how painful it is. Only Allah can help you through this. You need to turn to Him. You need to make sure that you’re doing all that you can to obey Him based on what says in the Holy Quran. It’s not about culture/the way Pakistanis have lived for many years. I doubt many there in Pakistan will be supportive of you about what you’re going through because they simply don’t know much about it. Furthermore, you’re between a rock and a hard place, knowing that Pakistani people aren’t very receptive to divorce, and there is a stigma attached to it; although divorce is acceptable in Islam.

    Polygamy could be a good thing for women to get them in touch with Allah. It could be a means to help them to get to Paradise. Being in a polygamous marriage is not easy in the beginning stage most of the time. No one said this life will be easy. It’s entails toil, struggles, tests and punishment. Once one gets her or himself right with Allah, He will pave her or his way towards comfort and ease in this life and it would be the best in the Hereafter.

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2017

    Shattered,

    You stated, “why would a 24 year old marry a 17 year elder person with kids and family not financially too strong.” Well, young women marry older men all the time. It’s nothing unusual. Why wouldn’t she want to marry him? There are many women in European and Asian countries who are looking to marry foreigner because where they live there is a shortage of men, or they just need someone to take care of them and help them, but can’t find anyone in their country to do it, or maybe, the same as your husband, they just want a foreigner and want to go to a different country.

    It sounds to me that your husband is simply attracted to foreign women and it boosts his ego to come out of his pocket to take care of one. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to stay married to you. Many men want to be with more than one women. It’s something they long for and desire.

    Perhaps your husband will marry her and find that they have too many differences or it wasn’t what he thought it would be. We as Muslims are not supposed to marry for lust, so if it’s what your husband is marrying for, he will suffer the consequences. He will have to account to Allah for all that he does.

    You said, “she have lot better options there.” How do you know what she’s got there? She could say that you’ve got some options to – such as divorce or accept it…

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2017

    shattered,

    You said, it would be better if your husband marries a Pakistani woman and not a foreigner. Well, you know; and I know from communicating with many people on this blog that the majority of Pakistani people do not approve of polygamy and don’t accept it. Furthermore, most women will come up with any excuse for why they think their husbands shouldn’t marry other women, making them polygamous.

    There is nothing in Islam that says a man has to marry a woman of his own nationality, race, culture or speak the same language. Those things are not requirements for marriage. We all are one brotherhood and none of those things make a marriage invalid. If your husband and the woman are okay with speaking to each other with a google translator, it’s their business. Although you and I may not want to be involved in something like it, we are not them.

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2017

    Dear Sister Shattered,

    Your post was not haphazard at all. I’m glad you found the site and have written to us. I could imagine what you’ve been going through. Insha Allah, we’ll try to help you as best we can.

    I totally understand how concerned you are about your husband speaking to a foreign “woman” ONLINE, not knowing whether she is who she says she is or not. Who knows? Even if he was to chat with her face to face online, it still is no guarantee that she is truthful about her intentions or about who she is.

    As much as you are worried that she (if it is a she and not just someone pretending to be a she), it’s not in your hands to do anything about it. You’ve let your husband know what you think about what he is doing. Apparently he is following his desire to marry a foreign woman, which obviously is very strong. He is pursuing his desire and it appears nothing can stop him. Only Allah can.

    You need to be mindful that if Allah has decreed that your husband get with another woman and or marry her, there is no one who can stop it from happening. Although your husband says he doesn’t want to hurt you and loves you etc. it seems he has a need to continue to do what he’s doing.

    It could be that your husband will get burned by the woman and maybe he won’t. Nonetheless, no one can prevent another person’s fate. If it’s meant for him to get taken for a ride by whomever it is that he is talking with, then it is what it is. Whatever he is doing, whether it is good or bad, he will account to Allah for it. Allah sees and knows all things.

  • shattered

    October 31, 2017

    continued
    I know NO one can hurt anyone without Allah’s will.but its hard to see your so near and loved one knowingly being the reason.and with each passing day its becoming more and more difficult for me to look at him ,feel him the way i use to .list of lady interest has become inversely proportional to my interest.its becoming my worst nightmare.

  • shattered

    October 31, 2017

    Dear sisters ,
    As Salam o Alikum
    I am wife of Abdullah Pakistani,who just got on a matrimonial site and got engaged to a russian lady ,it was mid of may ,although he decided he wont indulge himself into polygamy, as one happy wife is better than two sad wives.
    But since than I am in a constant mental torture.as he just cant let go the idea and is constantly active on matrimonial site.Although i asked him its best to marry a Pakistani women with islamic thoughts just to make it easier for yourself and me.but he is more intrested in getting an international wife,may she not understand the language and both of them need google translate to talk.i tried to make him realize that its just you think will be fine but such relations dont last for long ,he is fine with everything knowing what ever happens i am already there as a default page.
    but for me knowing he is looking ,sending money .as most of them are fake .they try to be as real as possible and then demand for money for passport and stuff.a ukranian to an extent even planned that she would want him to visit her daily,will be needing a car and a driver .and i dont understand why he always becomes so certain that this lady is telling truth .why cant he get the point why would a 24 year old marry a 17 year elder person with kids and family not financially too strong,not knowing the culture and language,and she have lot better options there.
    Although he is trying to be a better husband and father by spending less time on computer,by taking me out for tea by giving me more time ,which I always wanted form the day we got married.but all this becomes meaning less when he gets a new lady interest. sometimes he say such mean things that it kills me inside.
    its getting on my nerves now .i sometimes feel like i am just dragging the relation for our daughters.
    whenever he says “i love u” it hits me like a punch.i have lost the piece of mind.for me he was the one person other than my parents who could never hurt me.
    sorry for the haphazard post.
    May Allah keep us all blessed.Ameen

  • anabellah

    October 30, 2017

    I read an interesting article about Actor Jennifer Lopez and what she went through when she and Marc Anthony divorced. (By the way, I loved the movie “El Cantante” in which they both starred). What she describes in the article sounds very much like what many women experience who at first find themselves suddenly in a polygamous marriage that had been monogamous. It’s liken to a divorce for a wife whose marriage goes from being monogamous to polygamous. It’s like an end of one and a new beginning. It’s fascinating to make the comparison.

    https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum!

    Here’s a new post/thread for all of us to contemplate. It’s “Should a Wife Trust Her Husband” .

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2017

    Here’s an interesting article that non-Muslims who come to this blog as well as Muslims who condemn polygamy should read:
    Divorce Following Multiple Affairs

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2017

    Hello Tunis, As Salaamu Alaikum

    You’re on the right track. Just make a list of what he has that you’re aware of: houses, properties, cars, bank accounts and things like that, so you’ll have it at your finger tips when it comes to negotiating. It is always good to have that information readily available to you.

    You asked how it would benefit you. You’ll need the info to negotiate with him and your and his attorneys if it comes to that. One must know what someone has to be able to distribute and divide it. Furthermore, we never know when Allah will seize our souls and a wife needs to know what her husband has, where it is etc as does the husband about his wife/wives. I have all my information laid out for my husband should I die before him. He won’t have to go figure everything out, search for accounts etc or possibly overlook something.

    The account that you said you don’t have access to, it’s okay. At least you know it exists. If you could get the account number and the name of the bank, it’s good enough. Put it on the list.

    You mentioned that he may withdraw the monies if he’s intending a divorce. You’re correct. At least if you have the name of the bank and the account number, an attorney could subpoena his bank records so as to determine if he did such a thing or not.

    Did you know there is a ducksinarow.com ? I thought you were being funny. I looked it up LOL It’s such a cute url.

    You’re doing good, Tunis. I don’t think you’re naive at all. Keep turning to Allah for his guidance and protection. You’ll be alright. Hang in there. Keep the faith and don’t despair.

  • Tunis

    October 18, 2017

    Hello again Ana
    What do you mean by documenting my husbands bank accounts? I understand assets that I know of, as in house properties or cars…or a bank account I have access to for basic expense coverage/spending….what he puts in to account.
    He has another account… but I dont have access to.
    But how does that benefit me..(.im very naive, im discovering..lol..but better late than never)…if he withdraws it out…if intendng a divorce?
    Working at Ducks in a Row.com.

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2017

    Tunis,

    Your husband, nor anyone else is at fault for your daughter taking on a female partner. Don’t blame anyone for that accept her. No one told her to go out and get a woman lover. That’s absurd. There something else going on there – abomination. I’m not touching that one, other than to say you shouldn’t put that on your husband. He’s not to blame.

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2017

    Tunis,

    No problema. We’re here for you, dear Sis.

    I can’t remember if we mentioned the following to you or not: You need to consider that if you give up your Marriage License the way your husband wants you to, so that he could give it to his other wife, and you take his word for it that he’ll do right by you with regard to property (real estate) etc, you very well may be left with nothing if he dies. You don’t know his other wife, and there is certainly no guarantee that she’ll give you and your daughters anything after he’s gone. She’ll be his legal wife who will be entitled to all that he leaves behind, and all you’ll have is a hope and a dream. Allah tells us how to handle what we intend in the future. He says put it in writing. Get witnesses. Your husband says to trust him. Don’t trust your husband, get it in writing and I’d suggest you get it done legally, so it’s legit to avoid any questions about it. Better be safe than sorry…

  • Tunis

    October 15, 2017

    Ana…i needed to laugh.and you sure made me laugh..when you said..”I don’t think you’re lookng at the picture as you can’t see the picture because you are in the picture.”
    Thanks sis !

  • Tunis

    October 15, 2017

    Thank you Ana. for your reply
    I think this is my problem..i just cant seem to find the right words to say ..on my own..as you have put them..for me to say tohim…i mean..thats how I want to say..i just couldnt form those words in my mind..to the point.
    Its like i want or need someone to write my words for me . It always sounds so perfect when it comes from someone.
    I mean..yes thats what im feeling …how you state i should speak and all….but I cant get the words formed in my mind.
    Maybe that part of my brain is not working to well.lol
    But that is what im seeking..help in my dialouge to him.
    Spot on!
    And thank you again for that wack in the head.
    Thank you Ana
    I needed this pep talk.

  • Tunis

    October 15, 2017

    Salam everyone
    Whats even more difficult is that my youngest daughter who left home.. so abruptly….is now in a relationship with a girl partner….and her(my daughter) sister(my oldest daughter) is now not speaking to her ..stopped all contact.
    I somehow find myself blaming my husband…??
    I sound like im in a pity party with myself….it just all hurts…
    I want closure..
    Oh wow…that sounds weird
    I gonna go to sleep..or try….each time I lay my head down..I think of something else.
    I m not sure what advice or support im seeking….but I know I must go to Allah also.
    Goodnight ya’ll

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2017

    Tunis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You shouldn’t defend polygamy to anyone as it’s not in need of defending. If someone asks you about polygamy showing a sincere concern to learn more about it, because it’s part of our way of life, then indulge them. To talk with your daughters about it and with anyone who you know already is opposed to it is a waste of time. It’s not our job to promote polygamy. It’s a reason this blog is for those who already have a positive interest in polygamy.

    I suggest you talk with your husband to find out clearly where you stand in his life. Let him know that you have no intentions of dissolving your marriage license. See where it goes from there. If he gets angry and says he’s divorcing you anyhow, then you have your answer. It’s not about him wanting polygamy. Polygamy is not the issue. It’s not as though your husband came to you and said he wants another wife or has another wife and wants you to accept it because he loves you and want you to remain his wife. All that you’ve stated indicates that he wants the other woman and wants you to give up what you’ve got so that she can have it and the two of them could ride off into the sunset and live happily-ever-after in their dreams. Trying to accept polygamy is not what causing your problem.

    Forget about polygamy and try to determine what your husband wants from you and whether you’re willing to give it. Who knows whether your husband misses you or not. Did he say forget about giving up the Marriage License, come home and let’s live as a family (husband and wife). Of course your husband has a need to be kind to you and keep you in his good graces so that he could finalize his plans. I don’t think you’re looking at the picture as you can’t see the picture because you are in the picture. It’s as though you haven’t heard a word we all said. You’re just knowing what you’re feeling and what you want. It’s all about your desires.

    Begin with telling him that you won’t give up your marriage license. You will live polygamy with him, but with a license. See what his answer is. It should tell you where you stand and what he wants. Most people are always kind and nice to those whom they want something from until they get it. Then they give you their @$$ to kiss…

  • Tunis

    October 15, 2017

    I have to remain strong..but I havent the words to face him…im hesitant in talking to him over the phone…I feel like Mose’s….I have this affliction when it comes to speaking with him.
    He texted me yestetday…he misses me.Can u believe this? What part does he miss…after all the other things he points out faulty in me…then topping it off with I dont care about you..then whats to miss…haha..my cookin and cleanin.!
    I miss you..he says..and that was all.
    Do I give him a chance? Cause Im angry Ana.. Is this Allah’s will showing me to be forgiving or forgetting?
    I want to remain calm and strong.
    But im struggling with forgivin and forgettin this time….like I have always in the past.
    I dont want to slip back into his pocket.
    I love this blog…its my personal journal.

  • Tunis

    October 15, 2017

    Salam
    Everyone around me and my children are against polgamy…they know of my particular situation surrounding it…but somehow make polygamy the nasty or crazy. I try to remain strong …defending it…but then it all sounds pointless because of the way my husband is and is doing it. Sometimes I wonder if Im defending it or him..to them. Lol.
    Or is he crazy or me.
    Or Im the idiot or him.
    Im feeling low right now.

  • Tunis

    October 15, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum sister Saira
    Inshallah Allah bless u with a healthy and safe delivery and baby.
    Hang in there sis. ..its like we are always faced with a new challenge..huh?
    I wish our solutions were crystal clear…..yes some of them are easier solved then others…..but we are all going thru something.
    May Allah help us all to see our answers cleary….and stand strong for what is fair and for our rights.
    Cause it sure seems to me that men just dont get THAT part !

    And Ana…I am angry!

  • anabellah

    October 14, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum All,

    Next time you are angry, ask yourself why. Are you angry because you’re not accepting Allah’s will? https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

  • anabellah

    October 14, 2017

    Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You’re doing well. Keep up the good work. I think it’s a good idea that you intend not to find out the sex of the baby before she or he is born. Let it be a surprise. That way you don’t have to deal with anyone’s emotions about the sex of your baby till then. It will save you a lot of time, trouble and mental anguish. Whichever the sex your baby will be, it is all good, as Allah decided it.

    Don’t try to deal with your husband’s emotions going up and down about you being pregnant. You just try to steady with your mind and heart focused on Allah, as you stated you intend to do. We’re here if you want to talk more, dear sister.

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2017

    MS, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Sister,

    Please note: I moved your post over to the new theme/article that I just wrote in response to your question. The link is: Finances and Polygamy . Perhaps we could begin a discussion about it over there, if anyone is interested in joining it or they could keep talking on the October 2017 thread about whatever concerns them, Insha Allah.

  • Saira

    October 13, 2017

    JazakAllah sister sareena and sister Ana for support and advise
    I had very hard time during last pregnancy mentally but how can I kill my child I did stand up and refuse and I told him I can raise my babies alone and I can’t be with him who is not letting me have what Allah gave me
    I cried and made dua to Allah a lot
    He then txt me that my babies won’t c their father and I will be alone in this
    And he don’t want all babies crying in his head
    And he will find someone else to marry and won’t have kids with her
    I replied and said he can do what ever he feels like
    I will have baby with or without him
    He then replied in morning and saying he is happy and will be with me in my pregnancy and celebrate our new arrival and he won’t find out sex of baby and will make dua to Allah fo boy but he is happy what ever Allah give us
    I was surprise to hear that
    But I said to him 9 months long time he be changing his mood but I can’t be up set and scared now
    Hope Allah changed his heart but I am not focusing if he is happy or not he is saying he is happy but I can’t focus on this if he is happy or not
    I rather keep my mind and heart what Allah want me to do and rely on Allah alone
    Keep me in prayers ameen

  • Serena

    October 13, 2017

    Walaikum asalam

    Saira

    Alhumdulillah Allah has blessed you with another pregnancy. I strongly agree with all that Ana has said to you. Your post bought tears to my eyes. I hope Allah makes this easy for you.

    Like Ana said do not abort the baby. You will be responsible for what you do. It’s your body and he can’t force you. Remember Allah is the best Provider and Helper and He will see you through this situation.

    There are so many people desperate for a baby. You are blessed with this gift from Allah so please do not destroy it. The baby is at no fault purely innocent. It is a planned baby because Allah planned for you to get pregnant.

    Sister hurtful words cut deep. You know your husband well. Maybe he might get used to the idea and his heart will soften. In any case look after yourself.

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2017

    Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    It’s okay. Insha Allah, you’re going to have another child. It’s all good! You’re married, right? Married couples have children. It’s not as though you and he need to discuss whether or not you should make your intent to have children or not. You’re beyond that stage. You are already pregnant.

    So, what does Allah say? He tells us not to kill our children. It includes abortions. We are not to abort children. So, what to do is made simple for you. You have the child. Listen to what Allah says and obey Him. Don’t choose your husband over Allah.

    Tell your husband that you intend to have the child with his support or without it. Remind Him of what our religion dictates. You’re the one who will be held accountable for what you do. You won’t be let off the hook by blaming your husband or anyone else. If you abort the baby, there is no blaming your husband for it. It’s on you. You have to be strong and stand up to him. There is no need to discuss with him anymore whether you should or shouldn’t have the baby. It’s no longer a question. Abortion is not an option. It should be should be clear to you now.

    Stand up for what is right. You’re no side piece, mistress, prostitute or hoe (whore). You are his wife. If he feels the need to leave you because you, his wife, is pregnant with his child, then let him go. He’s not worth being in your life anyhow, if he wants to walk out of your life simply because you are pregnant with his child.

    Regarding the previous abortion that you said he made you have, ask Allah to forgive you. Perhaps He has forgiven you already. When you repent, you’re remorseful and intend not to repeat the act again. Repeating the act shouldn’t be an option for you, as you would be intentionally defying Allah, if you do abort another child.

    I can’t stress enough that you shouldn’t listen to your husband. What Allah says supersedes what anyone else says. Believe Allah will take care of you and your children. You need to put your faith and trust in Allah. Allah is to His servants what they perceive Him to be. Think and believe good, positive things. Stay strong and pray Allah blesses you with a beautiful, healthy, righteous child. Alhumdulliah. Congratulations! 🙂

  • Saira

    October 12, 2017

    Salam all
    I am so confuse I don’t know what to do and who to ask for advice other then all of you sisters .
    I had baby this year on February and I just found out in home pregnancy test that am pregnant again
    My hubby had great difficulty letting me keep our baby and after finding out it was girl it was huge battle for me and one point I thought he won’t accept her
    But By Allahs mercy he is so much in love vd her soon she was born both fell in love with each other.
    We been having unprotectiove intimate relationship
    I have not encouraged him at all but he kept buying pregnancy test for me and every morning he made me check
    One minute he will say if I get pregnant it’s ok next minute he says no once baby is year old
    And she is almost 9 months old
    Now when I found out I was in shock and scared
    Day one he never belived me and keep making jokes and calling me lier next day he got test and I got busy later on I don’t test and took pic for him and send him in text
    Now he is saving I will have to get abort this baby in any cost
    How wording is so sick
    He said now please erase this unplanned
    He saying am greedy and been wanting to have more kids to trap me and all
    I said to him I am managing fine and never ask him for any support for baby sit or any thing and he is good financially and we were having baby soon or later do what’s the problem
    He sound so harsh
    He said I spoke so nasty to him and now he decided I can never have anymore babies
    I need advice what can I do
    I feel sick
    If he can not have emotion and saying erase or get rid and stuff why I would stay vd that man
    I have said to him
    He need to tell his father and mother and he need to tell them too that I will have abortion only if he divorce me
    Coz after abortion I can’t stay with killer of my baby
    In past he made me abort once
    I have many problems vd him but all could be ignored as I have bigger problem to focus on plz tell me what can I do
    My heart is crying for my unborn already now

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2017

    Tunis,

    I’m so glad you are back, my dear sister!⚘

  • Tunis

    October 9, 2017

    …sis Serena.
    Just want to say thank you also….for your words were so insightful and spot on for me.
    I am so glad I came back to this blog…mashallah !
    I hope I will continue to be strong and persevere with Allah’s permission.. to do what I need to do..inshallah.
    I am enjoying my time with my mom and siblings.
    I do not text or call my husband…only reply if he texts. Though it has been days now since he has. He had asked me to call him..saying it would be nice to hear from me sometimes. But I cannot bring myself to do this..at this time…and I dont feel any urgency….I am hurt. And he has not said any words of remorse.
    Not even sure if he did if it would change anything.
    I havent really asked Allah yet..regarding him.

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2017

    Flower,

    I, too loooooved, loved the way you told the story. Excellente! It should be a model for all.

    @ummof4,

    I agree with you that if Rabia’s husband doesn’t tell the children about her husband’s other marriage within a weeks time, then she should go ahead and do it.

    @Rabia,

    Tell your husband if he wanted no one to know about his other marriage, if he’s ashamed or whatever his reason for not wanting anyone to know, then he should have considered it and not married the woman. If he doesn’t want anyone to know then he should divorce her. Marriage is nothing to be ashamed of and polygamy is marriage.

    It baffles me when these men marry other women and want to keep it on the down low, want to hide it as though it’s a dirty little secret. It’s pathetic to do it that way. Polygamy is a means to prevent men from living like the non-Muslims. Them hiding it the way they do lower the woman’s status to that of a mistress/an affair. It cheapens the very thing that should be elevated. How sad!

  • Rabia

    October 9, 2017

    Shukran Soooo much everyone really helped… I’m slowly trying to move on. I really want to tell at least but he is t one who doesn’t want any1 to know, but I think I’ll do it by myself soon coz really hate lying especially to t eldest. Love the way flower did it and will follow that lead in Sha Allah. Pls keep me in your Duas. Shukran again ladies

  • ummof4

    October 9, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Rabia, the answer that Flower gave to you is excellent for the younger children. However, any child past the age of 8 or 9 can understand that their father has more than one wife. I said understand, not like. As Ana stated, it is important that we do not lie to our children under any circumstances. Children often know more than we think, as you mentioned that your 13 year old daughter was suspicious.
    I agree that you and your husband should tell the children as a team; however, if he does not want to, I would give him a week, and then tell them by myself if he refuses. They may accept it better than you, so don’t hide it from them. You can use what Flower wrote, just make it more mature for the older ones. Remind them that he is still their father and he is still your husband.

    On another note: If a husband commits adultery (and it is a fact, not a suspicion) and the wife decides she wants a divorce, that’s perfectly fine. No woman should be forced to stay married to a man that she not longer trusts, respects or cares for. It’s also perfectly fine if the wife wants to stay married to him.

    Rabia, take it to Allah and decide what is best for you and your deen (Islam).

    P.S. Children of divorce can turn out okay as long as the parents are not constantly fighting, blaming or competing. Children of a home where the parents are constantly fighting often do not turn out okay. It’s not so much whether the parents are married or not, it matters how they treat each other, and how they live Islam.

    May Allah make it easy for all of us to serve and obey Him.

  • Flower

    October 9, 2017

    I’ve made “Flower’s” post into an article/thread. It is an EXCELLENT post and I’m sure it will help many. I pray Allah is well pleased with her and that she receives many barakats (blessings) for it. I love her post!Here’s the link to the article/thread.

  • Rabia

    October 9, 2017

    Shukran…

  • Marah S

    October 9, 2017

    Rabia,

    Your last post really broke my heart. I see where your coming from and why you’re feeling so down and having a hard time. I don’t think it makes you a bad person to be upset that your husband had an affair for four years, especially if you didn’t know all this time. I don’t think it makes you a bad person for being upset that now that they suddenly get married you’re supposed to pretend like all the lying and cheating was okay.

    It wasn’t okay for them to lie and cheat, and suddenly getting married doesn’t erease their wrongdoing. The only thing that will erease their sin is sincere repentance to Allah. But, you have to accept that repentance is between Allah and the individual, there’s no way for you to know if they sincerely repented to Allah, and if Allah has accepted their repentance or not.

    The best thing for you, is to not dwell on their relationship and their sins. You have to let it go for your own sanity and put your trust in Allah. You have to believe strongly and whole heartedly that Allah is the most fair and on the day of judgement everyone will get what they deserve including the two of them. You holding a grudge will only hurt your own soul. There’s nothing you can do at this point except move forward with your life and trust that one day everyone will face their own good and bad deeds and that absolutely includes the both of them.

    Accepting polygamy isn’t about your husband or your co-wife, it’s about accepting what Allah has made lawful. It’s not about accommodating your husband it’s about saving your own soul. It doesn’t mean you have to be overjoyed by their marriage. It’s reasonable for you to feel sad and weak for a while. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it truly is a personal jihad. But, don’t let the shaytan win, keep on fighting the good fight until you come out the other end. If you truly let go of this worldly life and focus on Allah, and all the joy, peace, and tranquility that is to come in the hereafter you can, and will find happiness again. It’s a beautiful thing when one accomplishes that and is able to find a bigger purpose than just being a wife, a mother, or whatever career they’ve been chasing. You’re more than that, your self worth reaches far beyond your husband and who he is sleeping with. When Allah is your priority all of these things become insignificant because one can find peace and liberation in knowing they are not in charge and the power is with Allah and Allah is the most fair and most merciful.

    Would it make you a bad person If you can’t find contentment? That really depends. Why can’t you find contentment is it because you hate polygamy and you hate what Allah has decreed? or is it because of something else? I know at this point you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but I’m sure the many sisters who have gone through what you’re going through can tell you, if you really focus on what really matters, you’ll get through it.

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2017

    Rabia,

    You said your husband and his now wife have been in an emotional relationship for four years now. It’s best to think that it’s a good thing that they wed, so their relationship is a Halal one. If they’ve done anything wrong over the last four years, perhaps they have repented and asked Allah’s forgiveness for it. Perhaps Allah has forgiven them for it. It’s best to see it that way as you have no evidence to the contrary.

    It’s peculiar how some women are okay with their husband having a relationship on the side and it only becomes a major deal where they lose all control and can’t deal with it when the man marries the woman. They’d rather they be in a haram relationship than a halal one.

    You’ll need to see things differently and try to see things the way that Allah wants us to. You said you don’t want to tell your children the truth because you can’t let your kids deal, if you’re not ready to deal. I dunno. It sounds to me that you want to do things your way. As long as you proceed that way, your way, you’re going to have major problems. It’s a given….

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2017

    Rabia,

    There is no need for you to beat up on yourself, thinking that you’re a bad person. It’s Satan whispering to you that you weren’t good enough; you are a bad person etc. Don’t listen to him, as you’ll fall into despair. Being in a polygamous marriage is certainly new to you, so you’re going to need to make many adjustments, which will not happen over night.

    You’re going to need to work on changing your attitude and how you think. It’s going to be a battle for you – a personal jihad is how I see it. There is a wealth of information on this blog that should help you and we are here to listen and give advice when we can, Insha Allah.

  • Rabia

    October 9, 2017

    Shukran so much Mari… I’m struggling with it a lot still since they have been in a emotional relationship for years now and only decided to take t step now. I feel betrayed, insignificant and very weak of Faith. His now ready to seek Allah’s happiness, after 4 years and now with my reaction to it, I’m the 1 Allah is dissapointed in. I can’t let my kids deal, if I’m not ready to deal. His not ready to tell them either. What if I can’t find contentment, I am a really bad person??? Astaghfirullah

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2017

    Mari2,

    EXCELLENT POST you wrote to Rabia! https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif Good advice. Good insight. Well Said. A must read for all of us!!!

  • Rabia

    October 8, 2017

    Shukran Anabellah, your thoughts are appreciated

  • Mari2

    October 8, 2017

    Ana and Rabia,

    I agree with all Ana has said. It is important to tell your children the truth and let them know that their father’s second marriage is halal in Islam. To keep his marriage a secret from the kids is to make the second marriage seem wrong when it is not.

    It probably would be best for both parents to be together when telling the children and present a unified front so that the children see their parents STILL a married couple, and see their parents as both being truthful and honest.

    Expect lashing out from the older ones. Don’t take it personally. But expect it: I hate you. You ruined my/our lives. Ewww gross. You don’t love us/mom. Depending upon how much Islamic understanding the children have, plus whatever country you may reside in will possibly determine your childrens’ responses.

    Realize that a 13 year old will be compelled to feel like she must take a side. And this is a huge burden for a young girl. So let her know that there is no mom side or dad side for her to be burdened by. There is only the side of ALLAH. And Rabia, as a woman who has been up and down emotionally when my husband took a second wife, I understand. But it’s very important for you to focus on Allah and bring yourself to Him when you feel low. Sometimes you feel like you are sleep walking when trying to maintain normalcy around others soon after your husband takes a second. Fortunately the Quran and prayer are excellent guides.

    May Allah guide both you and your husband.

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2017

    Rabia,

    About telling your daughters that their dad married another woman, I’d say tell them the truth, especially your 13 year-old who is old enough to understand. We Muslims need to start telling our children about Islam from the onset at the very beginning, the same as we teach them anything else. When a child learns that his mother and father are “married” and knows what it means then they are old enough to know that men may have more than one wife and may have up to four of them. Let them know that we all are not the same and some people believe men should only have one wife and some think men may marry men and women may marry women. Let them know what we as Muslims should believe. Let them know that a man may have more than one wife and it’s okay. We have a responsibility to teach our children the truth.

    What does it say to a child when the parent lies to her or him, yet has instructed them from time to time not to lie or have punished them for lying? It’s hypocritical. The child learns to lie and be hypocritical, as well.

    The husband has done something that Allah permits, so why lie about something that is Halal?

    Rabia, either you tell them the truth or let their father who has taken on another wife tell them. Either way, it’s best that one of you tell them. Tell them in a way that will not have them dislike their father for something that Allah has not only allowed him to do, but has decreed it. Those are my thoughts about it.

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2017

    Rabia, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling weak and sad, but I’m not surprised. It’s what most wives feel when their husbands marry other women. I can tell you with certainty that in time you will feel better, if you have the correct belief.

    I’m not quite sure what you mean when you when you said your husband marriage was done by him “secretly”. You said, “It’s my first day as a first wife”. It leads me to believe that he let you know before he married her unless you’re just finding out today that he married her today, making it your first day of being in a polygamous marriage.

    I’ve come to learn that it doesn’t matter how, when or where a husband tells his wife that he will or has married another, most wives won’t receive it well. They are going to go through some tough times and changes in trying to acclimate to it.

  • Rabia

    October 8, 2017

    Aslm
    It’s my first day as a first wife, and I know that Allah should be and is my focus but I’m feeling weak and sad. Mostly because it was done secretly and not even my four beautiful daughter know about it. They asked about t absence of their father and I end up lying, telling them that his at work. Is this t right way to deal with this. My eldest daughter is 13, and very suspicious. Please advise me about how to tell my babies, I’m afraid I’ll say t wrong thing.
    Shukran.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2017

    Gail,

    Here is a link to the post in which a commentator wrote to you while you were away from the blog

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2017

    Gail, Hey There, 🙂

    When I woke up this afternoon LOL I laid in bed reading stuff on my phone and I read your post, as well. I felt as though I was reading a short novel about some fascinating people. I was enjoying the read. When you spoke about the ice cream truck, I imagined you and your family waving to those people, forgetting that you weren’t in the ice cream truck any longer. It made me laugh.

    Something about your ice cream business seems special to me. Could it be because I loooove ice cream? LOL I suppose it reminds me of when I was a kid, too, and the “Mr. Softee” Ice cream truck would come down the street that I lived on. A one armed man manned the truck all by himself. The “Good Humor” truck used to come by as well, but I preferred “Mr. Softee”. One day the truck struck a kid running to get ice cream and that was the end of that.

    I’m so happy that all is going so well in your life and the lives of your family members. Your businesses are booming, and so many good things are happening for all of you. God is Great! We all have so much to be thankful to Him for.

    About your ex-co, it is what it is – right? We don’t write script. We just live it. It’s best that you and your family moved on without her. If you should meet up down the road one of these days and your paths meet again, so be it. Until then, just keep it moving. Don’t worry. Be happy!

  • Gail

    October 7, 2017

    Ana,
    All is well with me just crazy busy these days.It’s funny every day I think I will get time to check in but it never happens.I have 6 properties now and working on purchasing at least two more in the next few days.Hubby and I have been sinking every dime into our Real Estate Business even to the point we have become embarrassed of our 2007 car we are driving(We were in a wreck last winter and the trunk got dented in a little and the clear coat is peeling off the hood.)It’s a real beauty lol.I been telling hubby we have to get a new vehicle before long.It’s funny We have 3 ice cream vans and car and not a one looks normal.The Ice Cream season is over for me finally but still the kids and I when we are out forget we r in the Ice Cream van and we think everyone is looking at us and we still wave at everyone which is so embarrassing.We are forever laughing at ourselves that people must think we are NUTS and wondering why we are waving at them!lol
    My Youngest Son Adam is still studying hard on passing his Private Pilot exams.He has made a 100 on every exam so far.For being only 12 I am really so proud of him.He is really growing up he will 13 in Jan. but he looks like he is so much older.He is the tallest out of all my children including his 22 year old brother.My oldest son and my middle son are both studying to pass there Class A CDL and my eldest will take his test before long.He is also expecting another baby in May or June so I will be a grandmother of two before long.My daughter just had her 14th Birthday a couple of months back and she is doing wonderful as well.She takes care of the home and cooking while I am running looking for leads on properties or mobile homes.I haven’t talked anymore to my excowife not sense feb. I pray for her but I decided I can’t deal with her at this time in my life sense she refuses to give up her victim mentality.I hope that doesn’t make me sound shallow but I we have moved on as a family and are enjoying our lives as one big happy family.My inlaws went back to Pakistan back in July or August and My Father inlaw has been screaming at us to bring him back sense he left.lol I tease him and tell him I understand that he can’t live without me and he says “Yes why not I miss you” Hubby and I just bust out laughing because he is so miserable being away from us.My MIL she on the other hand got her beautiful three story Mansion built and she could careless to come back she is all about going to the Holy Shrines in Iran,Iraq,Syria etc..We can’t compete with that but come the start of Ice Cream season I have no doubt that little old woman will be back here ready to sell Ice Cream.lol

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2017

    I just approved one of Serena’s posts to Tunis that I accidentally overlooked below.

  • Serena

    October 6, 2017

    Ana thanks.

    Your site (with Allah’s permission) has helped me so much. You keep drumming into us to put Allah first and it’s clicked. About relying on Allah and trusting Allah’s words fully. How we shouldn’t take others as our mini lords. It all makes sense.

    Alhumdulillah I am able to move on knowing you know what? People can plot and plan all they like behind my back as Allah is the best of planners and Allah’s plan will take place.

  • Serena

    October 6, 2017

    Azam

    Sorry to hear you are not at peace in your marriage. Sister do what’s right for you. Are you in contact with the person who performed your nikah? Can you get help from your wali?

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2017

    Aww, Serena, your post to Tunis was so sweet. It was soothing. There was a calm about it. How nice!

  • Serena

    October 6, 2017

    Tunis

    Maybe feeling numb will help you think straight without having that soft spot for your husband. That way you will do whats right for you instead of putting him first.

    You asked about keeping it casual and platonic. For now don’t show him you are craving his love and attention. If you want that from him ask Allah to put them feelings in your husbands heart for you. Reply him if texts calls but don’t act needy of his love.

    Allah can change people’s heart and I hope for you my sister Allah makes your marriage work and you get the peace, love and mercy that you deserve.

  • Serena

    October 6, 2017

    Salam

    Tunis

    It’s good to hear from you and that you are still with us. Ana has given you much advice may Allah reward her that.

    Tunis from your posts I feel you still have hope it will work out well for you and your husband together and because you have been with him for a long time you hope he will take that into account and keep your relationship going.

    It’s good that your eyes have opened and you are seeing the reality. I understand you want to trust your husband but he doesn’t give you reason to trust him. He keeps reminding you about your divorce agreement.

    Tunis it’s also good to hear you are not fooled by his words. His stories keep changing. If things were not good between him and the new wife why is he still intent on getting her papers? Maybe he says things aren’t good because he thinks you want to hear such things? Even if things are not good between them I doubt it is anything serious otherwise it would be easier for him to divorce her rather than get her papers and spoil your marriage.

    Your husband has probably worked you out very well. He knows what to say and what strings to pull. He knows how much you want him to love you care for you etc so when there is need he shows you that side of him to please you. Otherwise why is he name calling? He is emotionally abusing you.

    It’s good you are doing your homework regarding your rights and the divorce. You need to look out for yourself. He sounds like a control freak who you say gets nasty when you confront him. He wants you to do what he says. He is thinking about himself and his new wife.

    Allah’s time is perfect and everything is happening according to His plan. Keep asking Allah for help and guidance. Allah knows everyone’s intention and rest be assured Allah’s is the best Judge. Remain calm and strong sis.

    I agree with Rosa you seem like a good hearted and lovable person. With situations like yours the saying don’t loose a diamond while chasing glitter comes to mind (for your husband)!

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2017

    Ooops, I had to go back and fix that last post. I put some of what I was saying to Tunis in the area where I was speaking to Rosa. It’s fixed now.

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2017

    Tunis,

    May Allah bless you immensely as well. 🙂

    I just want to mention, as I have stated before, it’s probably best that you let him serve you with the divorce papers first, since you’re not sure you want a divorce. Who knows? He may not follow through with it. Allah knows best.

    Furthermore, it looks better, too, when the husband begins the divorce proceedings, when the wife has done nothing wrong. After which, you come out swinging LOL. You’re not gonna take it lying down.

    In the mean time, you’re getting your “ducks in a row” as Sis Rosa suggested. Document his assets, bank accounts, insurance and medical policies etc. Know what he’s got, so you could relay it to the attorney who will represent you, if it comes to that.

    You were smart to let him know where you were going when you went to visit family. Give him no excuse for not serving you with divorce papers properly, if he intends to do it. He won’t be able to say that you abandoned him or he had no idea where you went, using that as excuses.

    In the meantime, don’t worry and upset yourself. Your mental, physical health and well being in most important. Just ride the waves and try to take it easy.

    Remember Allah, as He remembers those who remember Him.

    I hope you stay in touch, Sis Tunis. We’re here for you.

    Sis Rosa,

    Thanks for helping me out with advice to Sis Tunis. I appreciate it! 🙂 It was nice you thought of her and summoned her from the dead LOL

  • Tunis

    October 6, 2017

    Sis Ana,

    Thank you for your help and remindings ! And with this info I will do as Sis Rosa says…get my ducks in a row.
    May Allah bless all of you immensly..who have shared with me.
    I hope other ladies in similar situations benefit from this info.
    Stand for what is right.
    Demand respect.

    I will stay in touch.

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2017

    Sis Tunis,

    I forgot to mention that keeping in accordance with Islam, Allah tells us to put in writing anything we agree to carryout in the future. If it’s a business contract the parties to it MUST put it in writing. If it’s something carried out immediately on the spot, it does not need to be in writing.

    So, to take your husband’s WORD with regard to what he intend to do for you is out of the question. It’s especially so, given the conditions and circumstances that confronts you. He want to take from you to give to her to make sure she is legal and get all the benefits of that legal document (Marriage License) that will be afforded to her by the law. She’s smart. He wants you just to wait and see what he does and hope and pray that he does the right thing.

    You’ll need to tell the attorney whom you hire what all his assets are in the country in which you live and in his native land. You may want to agree that he keeps the real estate in his native land and you get what is in the country where you live. Get property in your name. Of course, I don’t know the laws of the country in which you live; they vary from State to State in the US, as well. The attorney would tell you what you are entitled to and will negotiate it with his attorney.

    When a man and woman divorce, the parties need to settle thing based on what is reasonable – it’s what’s said in the Quran. Some thinks it’s maintenance for a year. They are mistaken. The maintenance for a year is what the husband should leave his widow. Anyhow, make sure you get it in writing and I’d suggest you get it done through the courts based on what is happening with your husband and his character.

    For those out there without a Marriage License, they need to have things documented as well, although in some countries those documents are NOT recognized and enforceable in a Court of Law. At least you’ll have the conditions memorialized in case one of you forget. It’s a reminder. We’re suppose to make our intention to carryout what we say we’ll do. Allah sees and knows all things. We’re accountable to Him for all that we do.

  • Rosa

    October 6, 2017

    Tunis sis

    I second all that Ana has stated. Get your ducks in a row. Trust Allah alone no other. We are here for you sis. You’re going to get through this may Allah give you the strength and ability to do so. You seem like a very lovable kind hearted soul. Stay in touch.

    Jumma Mubarak All

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2017

    Azam,

    Sister Marah S wrote a post that may be helpful as well.

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2017

    Azam,

    I remembered that Sister Ummof4 wrote a post about Khula. Here’s the link

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2017

    Or, “Godfather of soul” may be more accurate.

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2017

    Sis Tunis,

    You’re going to be okay. Stand for what is right. Demand respect. Don’t let him play you. He’ll respect you in the long run. What did the King of Soul James Brown say? ” I’d rather die on my feet than living on my knee😉

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2017

    Azam,

    The best advice I could give for a wife who wants an Islamic divorce and the husband won’t grant it to her is go to a masjid (mosque) and seek help from those there. Don’t give up until you get it done, especially since your husband threatened to assault you. You are not his property. If they can’t help you, seek a Restraining Order/Court Order to keep him away from you till you could get the Islamic divorce done.

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2017

    Gail,

    There you are! I’ve been thinking of you and hoping you’re okay. I missed you. Someone else wrote to you, but I can’t remember who. Insha Allah, I’ll try to locate the post. Right now, I’m about to get some sleep. Good hearing from you. I was concerned.

  • Gail

    October 6, 2017

    Ana,
    Just checking in with u it’s been awhile.This is the first time in months I have been able to relax if u want to call it that.Hubby and I are slowly transitioning from the Ice Cream Business to full time Real Estate.It’s been an amazing journey that we both are loving so much.I hope all is going well for you.I think of u and the other ladies on here often and wonder whats going on in your lives.

  • Tunis

    October 6, 2017

    Dear Rosa,
    Your words of encouragement helped me to get back here and post….release is most accurate ! And the insight most needed.

    Dear Ana, thank you too for your words…you are right on SO many levels.

    No I had said, I never met his other or spoke with her.
    I DO agree with you 100%..now..smile! Took me a darn tootin while…
    But thats what gets me too..why he didnt just take gift and say he gave it..etc..other than, this is Allah s way of showing me his true colors of his heart thru his tongue…which im finally hearing.

    AND SMELLING the coffee !!

    Yes that is what I m planning to do..if its a divorce he wants.. than Im going after what is rightfully mine. Inshallah

    Jazakallah Ana…and Rosa and all others from past posts with all your little seeds of wisdom that got planted and FINALLY sprouted…haha..with the permission and timely manner from Allah..and Allah knows best….

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2017

    Tunis,

    You said you don’t mind us being up front with you. My thoughts are that he’s only hanging in there with you and trying to play half way nice so that he could get what he wants from you – a legal divorce with no LEGAL responsibility to you and no loss of money and property on his part. Once he gets what he wants, he knows he won’t have to put up with what he may see as you aggravating him anymore. He may just be biding his time. The writing on the wall doesn’t look good.

    Allah knows best.

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2017

    Tunis,

    It’s been a while. I’m trying to remember some of your story that I’m not sure of. I think you said that you had spoken to his other and have met her. If he’s saying he can’t give her the gift that you bought her because she and he aren’t getting along and in the same breath is saying that he wants to make her legal, then it sounds something is up his sleeves. It could be as you stated – you are a secret. He may have told her that he has divorced you already. If it’s the case, it would make sense that he wouldn’t deliver the gift to her. If he was smart, he’d just take the gift, say he gave it to her and then trash it or give it to someone else (not to his daughter, though).

    You know what the famous poet Maya Angelou said: When someone shows you who they are believe them. Your husband is showing you, but you simply don’t want to believe him. He blurted out that he doesn’t care about you. Of course you believe he didn’t mean it. It was easy for it to roll off his tongue though. Allah tells us that what is in a person’s heart is far worse than what rolls off their tongue.

    Your best bet is to get an attorney and get your due because it appears your husband is going to do a number on you and it’s not going to be pretty. The man wants to take your Marriage License from you to give to another woman to make her legal. You’d be crazy to go along with it. He’s letting you know that she is more important than you and you are dispensable. It would benefit him to have you amicably get the Marriage License dissolve and have you trust in him that he will take good care of you rather than go through the courts and get your due legally.

    Allah tells us that those who trust put their trust in Him. He didn’t tell us to trust a spouse. You darn sure shouldn’t trust your husband who is willing to unload you that easily so that he could cater to another woman and treat her like royalty while he treats you like crap. Come on Tunis, wake up, smell the coffee. Don’t fall for the okie doke.

    He wants to divorce you anyhow. At least get something from it. Don’t rely on his WORD. It makes no sense to do so. If he wants to stay married to you Islamically, then stay married that way, but if you part ways legally then get the legal recourse that the Marriage License affords you. What are you afraid of? – that he’ll leave you. Well, it sounds that he’s trying to do that already. If he cares about you, he’ll stay married to you Islamically despite you not having a Legal Marriage License. Going along with what he says and wants won’t guarantee that you and he will be okay again with each other the way that you want.

  • Azam

    October 6, 2017

    In plural marriage I have studied that if the Husband is not equal a wife has grounds for a divorce. We have only been married 6 months, but in my case nothing is equal. I live in a duplex that I pay for, I have to financially support myself and a 16 year old daughter. He and I never stay nights together. He goes home to his first wife and their child every night. We live in the U.S. and no we are not “legally married ” but I do treat our marriage on real basis. Allah sees us a married couple. However, our agreement was 2 nights a week until his brother in law comes in December and takes her back to Pakistan. In the past 6 months he has never stayed nights with me. His wife constantly stalks me on social media, she has asked me many questions about our relationship right now and I told her “I mean to disrespect to you, but whatever questions you want answered, you will have to get your answer from him, he is your husband. ” I love my husband, but as a recent convert, he is never here to help me learn to become a better Muslim, let alone a better Muslim wife. Ok he isn’t able to be equal with money, but more importantly for me he isn’t equal in his time. I tried a few times politely to discuss it with him but the issue is never resolved, then I have gotten into arguments him about it with no resolution either. For Eid last month I really wanted to go together with him, but I told him I would work at his store so he could take his first wife and their child…. it would have been my first Eid, I was so excited…. so now I hope that someone could tell me how does a woman in the states get an Islamic divorce if we never registered our marriage, it’s strictly a religious marriage that I value deeply. After much prayer, in my case things will not change in my marriage and I have asked him for a divorce, but he said no and if I ask him again he will slap me in my mouth. I hope that for others in the group who remember my story can please understand that we have reached a point that I will be hurt, mentally I am gone I pray now for Allah to have mercy on me.

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2017

    Sister Tunis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I agree with what Sis Rosa said in her post to you. When we’re in the picture, we can’t see the picture. It’s easier for those looking at it to see it vividly and clearly. I believe that oftentimes the truth hurts. Furthermore, I believe that most people believe what they want to believe.

    In your case, I see it that you love your husband and want to believe what he says and/or overlook what he says, as well. You’re not ready to totally let him go.

  • Tunis

    October 6, 2017

    Everyone..was I wrong for wanting to find out if im a secret to her?

  • Tunis

    October 6, 2017

    I dont know whether he is full of it OR stuck in it(sh#t).
    I just didnt trust her yet..wanted to trust him though…thought he would trust me. ..after all our years together and what we went thru…and have many blessings…why he like this…then act like he like me. Only gets nasty when I confront him ..cause I question his way..?

  • Tunis

    October 6, 2017

    Sorry everyone..i have alot of off letters on several words..hope u all understand.me..and meant to say near the end…he has NOT contacted me since his last text to me days ago.
    I dont know if i should text and keep it casual and platonic.

    What to do?

  • Tunis

    October 6, 2017

    Salam everyone,

    It finally clicked for me that Im not giving up what Allah has decreed for me(my marriage certificate) and what im entitled to, that easy..for ‘trust me’ promises…without being replaced with something equal with a legal document from my husbabd.
    And if he doesnt agree..then he can divorce me.clear out.
    Remember ladies? when I asked should I give a gift to his other wife? I asked myself what were my intentions here..even asked Allah…should I or not give it.
    Honestly, I wanted to be nice..open the door..if there was any interest..but also was beginning to have thoughts if she even knew of me the way he told me.
    I was planning to go on trip..he was returning from work after being away a month. We had 2 days together. Mind you all..I was still gonna give him his divorce his way..no contesting.
    In those last 2 days b4 I left, on the first day he talked about how he would get my residence card and apply for citizenship from his home country,(he is there now,as i text) when he would send for me to return there AND in the same sentence, get her papers.
    So the next day I felt sure AND happy to present him with the gift to give his other wife. He looked at me strange..took it from my hand..asked what is it..I said u can looked. He said nothing after that..Nothing!
    I proceeded to act normal and nice and keep happy…after all it was meant gor her..not him
    The following morning I was to leave…at breakfast he say he cant give it to her..but decided he will give it to our daughter.huh? I say its not for her!
    I get up to remain calm…then return to ask calmly..why cant you give to co wife? He say we r having problems. Huh? From getting her papers to they r having problems.
    I leave on plane..not feeling well at all..very ackward weird saying goodbye to him. My mind was occupied the whole trip..I swear.
    Upon getting to my moms state..i texted my arrival to him. I text also what he said regarding gift did not set right with me..something has changed…I dont know how to feel or think of him anymore…because the stories kerp changing ad to why he must marry her legal.
    Last reason being…ex husband will take her child away if he finds out she is not married legal. In her country woman gets custody UNTIL she remarries…then ex husband can choose to get child back. Also..polygamy is allowed as long ad she gets an OK legal signature from a first wife…then Imams can marry them….but she’d have to stay in her country.
    But my husband has mentioned about getting into his country..of course she must be kegal there. Anyway..
    I confronted him…after he later calls back niw saying he will give gift to her..but he us not happy with her..?? but will give it if I want. Then goes on to remind me of our agreement ..meaning divorce but trust him.
    I told him he is asking me to give up something that Allah has decreed for me…and his reponse was .’What Allah has decreed for you..? Whatever that meant.
    B4 that he called names..because I guess i reminded him of what he had said of how his stories keep changing. Then he says he should never tell me anything anymore.
    I said to him..i thought u cared about me…cause he would say he does and tell his son…mixed messages..huh?

    Then he blurted out in phone..I dont care about you.
    I hung up. 14 days went by..i dont text..he dont either. I know he is waiting for me to respond first..as i usually do.guilty and ..blaming myself..but I dont.
    I only sent an email to him as to document my whete abouts as he knows..in case he should try to divorce ne over there…it has been known to happen.
    Anyway..he responds THEN..just saying to call him b4 he leaves to his country…and have a good time with ur mom and sends a picture of roses…
    He tried calling several times. But i missed all calls..i was outt. He texted a few days after he got abroad..asking how i am..i respond fine thank you.
    I feel numbness..he had contacted me since then ..i feel like i miss him..but then remember all the hurtful and insensitive things he has said.
    I must remain strong. I have contacted lawyer regarding my rights on house. I am getting stronger and praying for more insight.
    I dont know what he would have to do now…if he still wants me in his life.

    Ladies I know this is long..i wish i could put thibgs into fewr words..oh well..but it helps me to document these events.

    .

  • Rosa

    October 5, 2017

    Tunis sis

    I’m so glad to hear from you. I know some of the advice given here can feel like a punch in the stomach especially when you are already at your weakest but the trick is to persevere and try to take it in because people outside of the picture can see things from a different perspective and it’s valuable for your growth to have more sets of eyes in the situation. When you are in the picture one tends to be blinded by what’s happening. We are a sisterhood here and only want what’s best for one another. Let it all out as much as you feel comfortable sharing. Release it all. You will feel a weight lifted. The ladies here have been through what you’re going through or are going through what you are experiencing and it’s a great feeling having someone to understand and relate. Stay strong sis. You will get through this. Remember Allah always. Talk to Allah beg Him for strength to endure the tests and trials He has allotted for u. much love sis

  • Tunis

    October 5, 2017

    Salam Everyone,

    I have never stopped reading here..but somehow stumbled across a post of Ana’s called ‘How to feel better in polygamy’….where sister Rosa had asked about me..this affected me greatly and encouraged me to write in ..and share where I am at.
    It is late here where I am…and must try to sleep.
    But I will be back to update what has transpired with me so far.
    I look forward to your support and/or even harsh words. Smile !

    Allah is great! He answers our calls in His time!…for He is the best of planners for us and our needs. And Im waiting…hopefully patiently.

  • Tunis

    October 5, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum to all,

    It has been a very long time since I felt like posting…in fact I was not even going to anymore. I felt hurt by some words said about my husband. I have been thru alot again mentally and emotionally..but I have finally come to the realization and see what ya’ll have been trying to tell me…along with other friends and family.

    A simple act which I believe was from Allah…to give me the strength I needed to stand up for my rights.

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace polygamy 411 October 2017 discussions

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for October 2017. We thank you all for being here. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussions. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the September 2017 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is:September 2017 Discussions

    polygamy 411 October 2017 Discussions

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