Our February 2018 Discussions Are Special

Our February 2018 discussions are specialOur February 2018 discussions are special, as they mark the 9th year anniversary of polygamy 411. It’s remarkable, considering that the average life of a blog on the internet is 3 years, which we have far surpassed.

We have made major changes to the site over the years. At the onset of the blog, back in February 2009, the administrator (Ana) was merely feeling her way around. Not only was blogging new to her, but the topic of polygamy was as well.

At that time, the blog was open to all who wanted to join the discussions. Our motto was, “This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in,”  and people did just that. They all joined in. All kinds of people, Muslim, and non-Muslims, as well as men, jumped in to converse with one another.

The dialogue was mostly anti-polygamy, and people were not shy to debate it. In fact, the site had an air of a “First Wives Club”. Mostly it was wives who had married first who were contentious with wives who had married in the order of 2nd, 3rd or 4th.  It made for a lot of excitement, although it got a bit combative and heated at times.

Five years later, come September 2014, it was time for a change. The administrator’s identity became known on the internet (although filled with lies and made up info. about her). Nonetheless, the exposure was a good thing. Most importantly, she had learned much and had grown in understanding of the topic over the years. It was time to get rid of the material on the older blog that did not truly represent polygamy in Islam. Furthermore, she went on to write a book, “The Silent Tears of Polygamy”.

Our February 2018 discussions are special, as we’re still growing strong in our 9th year

Besides being a blog, the administrator made it a support group, as well. It was for those who had an interest in polygamy that was positive. We tailored it for those who wanted to learn it; even if Allah had not selected them to live it. Additionally, it was a healthier more wholesome environment. One that she prays will benefit the soul and not harm it. There was information on the older version of the blog that was questionable. Was it good for the soul? You know the saying: if in doubt, do without. Getting rid of it was a good thing.

Polygamy is not a popular topic. Not many people view the subject favorably. They don’t support it. There are more people who dislike polygamy or have an outright hatred for it than of those who embrace it. There are far more people who reject polygamy than of those who accept it. We must not lose sight of the fact that there are many who reject Faith.

With all of it said, it is with great pleasure that I say Happy Anniversary, as we recognize our 9th year in cyberspace. Our February 2018 discussions are special, indeed.

I thank Allah much for the wonderful writers here and for the silent readers, as well. I pray Allah gives us many more years of success. Let us all seek His Guidance, Protection, Mercy, and Help. Let us remember Him much and often!

Please note: This is our February 2018 discussions thread.

our February 2018 Discussions Are Special

Our February 2018 discussions are special

 

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28 Comments

  • Mari2

    February 12, 2018

    Saira,
    It doesn’t hurt me when he discusses getting co pregnant quickly. My baby making days are over. I have made peace with that biological fact. What annoys me is his callous approach to parenthood and the way he doesn’t seem very concerned with the physical toll on co. Pregnancy, birth, and the months following are physically draining on a woman’s body. Women aren’t baby making robots…one out then another in right away. I asked him what the ever loving hurry was. He just said if he could get her pregnant every year for the next 3 years “then I’ll be done with her.” Apparently 4 children is some goal that must be reached for whatever reason. Whatever. I just get annoyed by his acting like she’s got no say or feelings in the matter, or that her health isn’t important. IMO it’s a symptom of ugly patriarchy…machismo. No wonder she’s always mad at him.

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2018

    Hi there, Moipone

    Good to hear from you 🙂

    I watched the “War Room” with my husband quite some time ago. From what I could remember, it was a good movie. As you stated, there is something beneficial for all regardless of what religion one is.

  • Moipone

    February 12, 2018

    Good day ladies

    Dont know if any of you know the movie War Room it is a good movie for any married woman. Regardless of what religion you are and offers great advise because we as women we tend to fight the wrong way. Sister Jasmina its a painful to hear as a woman regardless the kind of marriage you are in. Hope things get better for you in what decision you make its not the end of the world. Sending you hugs

  • anabellah

    February 10, 2018

    Sister Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Your post to Jasmina made me cry. It touched my heart You are such a sweetheart.https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif I pray Allah takes good care of you and your children. Don’t worry about anything. Allah provides. You’re going to be okay. It’s always darkest before the dawn.

    Keep putting Allah first. Your husband is NOT in control. Remember that. Only Allah has power!

    You are so right; there are so many people who truly don’t believe that there is a Hereafter. All they care about is this world’s life. What a rude awakening awaits them.

  • Saira

    February 10, 2018

    Sister jasmine
    I be making dua for you I feel your pain many times when I suffer from injustice I think about u as many of things happend to you over the years I been reading and somehow I feel a lot of similar
    I too been wanting to leave this marriage but Allah has more plans for me
    But my marriage is not so great either but I am hanging in there for my kids
    I am pregnant and have very young baby I have to think and make my self very strong for sake of my kids
    But my husbnd gets so much pressure from his family about me
    Since we marriage he hide things from his co and from mum and sister to keep them calm yet in their mind he is with me 24/7
    Diffrance between your and mine situation is my husbnd does bad to me when he gets so much but soon he is calm he try to make up
    But looking at my situation first thing I want to do is let Them do what they want to do
    If his family ask him to leave me or don’t give me night etc I don’t care
    Allah is there for me and for my kids
    I had enohgf of this drama
    He don’t want to divorce me or leave kids in street
    So I changed my self now I think like second class citizen
    I am preparing my self already to be a single mom
    If he leaves me or I seek khula I have to stop looking at him so I choose to do that from now on
    He might change his habits of crying and behaving like baby in front of his mother and make her queen in my head to punish me
    Silence is key for every thing and that’s my tool
    I won’t think of any one else in my life if we get separated but for sister jasmine I would be happy to see her her move on and have batter life
    I won’t ask u once to rethink about khula as I know
    How this Pakistani culture rule over Islam and how they don’t like polygamy
    Sister jasmine they don’t think there is life after death and evry one has to answer what they do in this world
    I would say do your home work and prepair for your new start
    Make a lot of dua and don’t sit and cry
    In sha Allah he be the one who will cry
    we all are here for u sister huge 😘

  • anabellah

    February 10, 2018

    Jasmina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I think you’re doing the right thing, dear Sister. If you’re feeling inspired to seek a khulu, it may be time to make that move. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t take it personally. Based on all that you’ve said on this blog over the years, it’s evident that your husband is not cut out to have more than one wife. It’s because he’s involved in something that’s way over your and his heads. He dances to the beat of his other wife, her family and his family. That type of man needs one wife. He’s about culture, which he has placed above Islam. Polygamy is NOT the issue. He’s got a serious problem with our Creator.

    Jasmina, you don’t have an issue with polygamy. You don’t have a problem sharing a husband. You have an issue with the way that your husband is mistreating you. I don’t blame you for not wanting to be treated as less than what you are. How dare he tell you that he wants children with his other wife only and wants no more with you. I surmise that she and her family were pressuring him hard to leave you when he came home to you those several months. Yet, he went right back to the same ole situation with his other and those people telling him what to do, that isn’t right.

    It makes no sense that you need to settle for him to swing by to see you whenever he could sneak away from that other wife, or that you can’t be seen in public with him without him trying to sneak and hide, that everything is about his other wife. Why should you wait around for him to throw you a bone every now and again? When is enough, enough?

    Polygamy is good when women have husbands who love them and treat them fairly with kindness and justice. Polygamy is easy under the right conditions and circumstances. Those marriages that are dealing with strong cultural issues and ties, aren’t fighting for polygamy. It’s far worse. Battling with culture isn’t the right condition or circumstance. Learning to accept Allah’s decisions, learning to share is a whole different ballgame from trying to accept a way of life that is not Islam, meaning living culture/traditions/mores that conflict with Islam in every way.

    We’re here if you want to talk more, Jasmina.

  • anabellah

    February 10, 2018

    Sister Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I haven’t forgotten about you, Sis. I still intend to write the article about “a diseased heart.” I thought about it yesterday. I made notes when we first discussed it, and now I can’t find those. I’ve been dealing with some technical issues on the blog. I thought I had gotten everything straightened out, but yesterday an important certificate expired, so I had to pay and renew it. I didn’t realize that it had happened and affected the blog until I retired for the evening SMH. So, I had to get up and go take care of it. Now all is fixed. I just need to find those notes, or I’ll have to get inspired again and start from scratch LOL It’s all good! 🙂

    I’m happy you’re hanging in there and are turning all your attention to Allah, the way He tells us to. You should be just fine.

  • Jasmina

    February 10, 2018

    Saira
    I have cried too much and now feel like I’m worth a lot more than this. It’s bad when someone treats you like a 2nd class citizen. It’s humiliating to say the least. I’ve opted to leave, I really need everyone’s support here. I’m happy but the baby thing is too much now, it’s a deal breaker for me.

  • Jasmina

    February 9, 2018

    Anyhow I’m seeking khulu as he won’t give me a divorce.

  • Jasmina

    February 9, 2018

    Thanks Ana I’ll watch the movie.

    Yes well I think it’s heading down that path. My husband admitted that he just didn’t want more children with me. It’s not that he doesn’t want more, it’s just not with me. Well as you can imagine I feel pretty aweful right now.

    I’ll be back he’s home

  • Saira

    February 9, 2018

    Sister jasmine
    Think you and your husband trying for baby and it’s not happening And you been told you have to do certain excercise five times a day
    You will do even 10 times to have baby ???
    Imagine if doctor tells u you will do it even u don’t see result but when Allahs tells you in Quran u don’t get it and you ask your husband for baby and get dispointed ?
    Try this excercise 5 times a day with tears in your eyes
    I will guarantee you your life will change once you found how to cry in front of your creator
    If he had power our life then what else to think for
    We can die any moment only he knows when will our time comes
    Some time our eman gets weak and sometime hight
    Ask Allah be your friend
    And one other thing if you can do try to find good lecture how to control our emotion
    I been listening and reading a lot about that
    Learn how to love your own self find your self and realise you worth more then this
    And toue husbnd respect him look after him but don’t let him hurt your feelings

    Sister meri2
    You are a brave women
    Imagine your husbnd talking to you about making your co impregnate how insensitive
    Does he not realise you his wife too and what will go tru your mind
    If my husbnd share or say any thing to me about co
    I won’t be happy
    Why don’t these man understand women have feelings
    You guys must be very close friends but bravo u let him talk to u about his other one so openly
    You are brave

  • Saira

    February 9, 2018

    Aslamu alakykum to all
    Sister jasmine I understand your pain for wanting to have more kids and your husband not allowing you and other hand you hear co is pregnant.
    If you know from my post you will relize how hard I am going tru and in top of that am pregnant again
    I wanted kids but I was never knew untill I have my daughter last year that my husband didn’t wish me to ever have kids
    Whole pregnancy was night mare for me
    Where my in laws get involve when he goes to them crying and complaining and they will make him stay away from me and he is so obedient he will do that and once his anger calm down he lied to them they he don’t see me but he took me for holidays lol
    After I had my daughter I stayed with in laws for 3 months and Allah knows how I pass this time
    Sister Ana and other sisters often give me advice to help me
    My husband loves me but he has weak tummy and and when he get angry he says so much and your private talk and evry thing goes to mother in law and she don’t like to calm things
    I can not stay quite and mostly I walk out and then I ended up going and making up to get back to normal as my husband ask me to
    This sick circle is so sick I don’t wish any child to witness so unfairness in parents and grand parents
    My daughter is a miracle baby
    The amount of stress I was given and the way my health was she could not make it during pregnancy but Allah planned for me to have her and am so happy
    It’s Allah who put so so strong love in between my daughter and my husband that every one talks about that
    She is nearly one and I have given her bath may be once as her father love to do that for her and he is same person who was unhappy for her to be born
    It’s Allah who puts love and hate in our heart .
    I was still feeding my daughter and I fell pregnant again my husband was so unhappy he said he don’t want this baby or either am own my own and I have told him Allah plan this baby and I will have with or without him
    Alhamdulilah he then calm down and happy for it
    But things don’t stop here
    My in laws won’t be happy to hear that but my husband give them chance to make my life hell
    Normal husband wife argument he once went to his mama and told and his mother call me every thing and counted every bite of food I ever took with his son money and told me I should be great full
    I was shocked how she goes and try to build up more fight between us then it was before
    Then my husband for few days call me horrible names hurt my mentally so bad that no women should deserve that
    And then my mother in law threat me she will make me homeless and take my daughter and tell to social services and make them put me in prison and take my new born once is born to her
    I was so stressed that all this voided me nearly brain damage and I had to look after my self and I discharged my self from hospital and with my daughter I came home
    Alhamdulilah I am over now no body calls me and gtr angry on me
    As sister mari2 said to me I can not change Their heart condition it’s Allah who will do that
    My husband been nice again but this time I changed my self Alhamdulilah
    I took sister Ana advice which she always says turn to Allah and ask Allah alone
    When my husband calls I speak and when he txt I reply
    I took out one thing from my life that to expect any thing from any one yet Allah alone
    My husband says to me few times a day he loved me a lot
    But I reply and say nice things in reply and make Allah witness I say for sake of Allah
    I belive it’s Allah made his feeling to say that
    And I don’t want to hurt him and say I lost trust on him completely and I have no feelings for him
    I say him nice reply with love and things are good
    I realise if I complain to him what’s point ?
    I want to know about his feeling that’s why am complaining to him which mean am showing him I am hurt and this will give him chance to think and when I don’t complain it mean I want to keep things nice and simple
    I relize it’s Allah who will change my situation and I ask him alone
    I make dua and staying in this marriage or not it’s in Allahs hand
    Sister jasmine you don’t want to stand and ask him for baby beg to Allah and ask
    If it’s best for u it will happend
    I got pregnant without having my periods return which is impossible but Allah wanted me to have another baby and that’s why
    May be you won’t handle his family reaction after you fell pregnant and have baby that’s why Allah is not making that happend yet
    But if you have secure family around u then make your self strong
    You been asking for pregnancy before I fell pregnant with my daughter
    But knowing my all situation you might want to rethink about baby
    Am bless with baby but am walking on egg shells and now am completely num so much so that I use read my husband txt over txt when he says how he love me and I feel like It’s only word and to be honest it’s only a word
    Real love u will fine in your prayers
    My husband fights with me and forget our love but even I miss my prayer I go to prayer mat and cry in front of Allah only when I get hurt
    And there is no signal time Allah left me alone and yet I forget about my creator for his creation
    Who is most stupid and blind here me or my husband
    You chase creation creator will make creation distant or against you and you chase creator then creation will love you
    Been learning and trying to make my habits change and I learn one things it’s only my will power will make my respect my own self
    Love Allah alone

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2018

    Jasmina,

    If you are waiting to no longer be in love with your husband before you move on, it may not happen-meaning you may not move on. Sometimes a person could be in-love with someone, but they know it’s not going to work out or can’t work out, and the person moves on to get into a relationship with another person. It happens when a person dies, as well; the surviving spouse or partner still loves the deceased person, but knows that they must move on. Eventually, the person develops fond feelings of love for the new person whom they get involved with. They go on to realize that their life with the new person may be more fulfilling or better in a different kind of way.

    I’ve seen it happen all to often. For instance, people who are high school sweethearts and their relationship had to come to an end; although they still loved one another. I know of women who moved on and have fond memories and still have feelings of love perhaps when they reminisce, but know having started a new life with someone else was the best thing that could have happened to her or him. If you get a chance, watch the movie, “A Splendor in the Grass.” It’s a beautiful story.

    Your husband may be hanging in there with you by a string. He could know of your vulnerabilities and feels responsible for you, which is why he remains with you. Regardless, I doubt if you were to move on that it would resolve any of his issues. As long as a person puts culture/traditions/mores etc before Allah, no good will come to that person. They are committing shirk. They have puts something else (culture/traditions/mores plus wives, children, parents) before Allah. They will have a humiliating punishment in this world’s life and far worse in the Hereafter…Thank Allah much that you are better than that and you know the TRUTH.

  • Mari2

    February 6, 2018

    Jasmina,
    I can’t remember if you and your husband have children together. But I agree with what others have said, if you are really unhappy and desire more children then make it your intention to leave and carry on INSHALLAH in a new marriage.
    I also think that Ana has a point about the culture thing. I don’t understand the Pakistani idea that a woman should get pregnant ASAP after marriage, give birth, then hurry to get pregnant again. What is the ever loving rush? Why can’t she just enjoy the baby she already has for a time?
    M and 2 had an adorable baby girl early last month. The delivery was difficult for 2. Episiotomy, tearing and she’s still dealing with the physical after effects and persistent infections a MONTH later. This weekend he mentioned to me that he wondered when her regular period would return so he could get her pregnant again. I was like: Are you MAD? Can the poor girl not have some time to recover? What’s the hurry I asked. “I’m getting older” he said. Like men in their 30s are old. The real reason I am sure is because they are both under pressure to have a boy. Oy.

  • Jasmina

    February 6, 2018

    Zurina

    Yes all the time but I don’t let it get to me or sit there and entertain the thought further. I only get upset if my husband makes a comparison.

    Frankly I like to think that I’m my husbands only wife at least when he’s home I only focus on our household and life together. Before when he spent more time there then i would sit and cry and make comparisons.

    The man plays a role in this, ultimately we are the only ones who can control our emotions inshaAllah.

  • Zurina Alvarez

    February 6, 2018

    I have a question: do you COMPARE yourself to your husband’s other wife/wives? Have you thought that, “she’s prettier than me.” or “she’s a better cook.”

    I’m just curious.

  • Jasmina

    February 5, 2018

    Ana

    Yes you are correct.

    Honestly it’s heartbreaking as I’m almost 35.

    I want out of the marriage so I can find someone else to raise a family with however I still love my husband and it’s hard to leave. There’s no guarantee I’ll even find someone else or worst I do and I still love my husband it just wouldn’t be fair. This feels so awful as I’ve always followed my heart but now that my clock is ticking I’m thinking with my head and it tells me I need to leave. I guess it gets easier once I’m gone.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2018

    Jasmina,

    Won’t this be the 2nd child that she will be having since he said he wants no more with you? I could understand you being upset with your husband about it. The problem is that you’re expecting more from your husband than he is willing to give. Again, it comes back to his other wife being the one that his family chose for him and his and her family are supportive of that marriage. They aren’t supportive of yours, neither is your husband. It seems he is just hanging in there with you because of the history you two have.

    It’s on you whether you want to make your intention to continue to live this way or make your intention with sincerity of heart to get up out of the marriage. I don’t see it getting any better. It sounds to me that your husband is a Pakistani, living culture and tradition. It’s not about polygamy. You can’t get blood from a rock. Your husband has shown you who he is. You accept it or make your intention to move on in life without him. All we could do is make our intention, turn to Allah for His help and guidance and patiently persevere for His decision.

  • Jasmina

    February 5, 2018

    Thanks MS, Ana and Mari2

    Well it makes it particularly hard when the co wife is pregnant AGAIN!

    Ana it is just plain excuses. I have been talking about leaving for a very long time lol and it’s mainly because of how unhappy I feel at times. Polygamy just doesn’t get easier with my husband, he sorts out one problem but then there’s another, he just doesn’t get it.

  • Mari2

    February 5, 2018

    Jasmina,
    I understand the frustration of wanting to vacation with your husband but cannot. I wanted to vacation at the beach this summer but M had business and personal issues to deal with. I get that. He too promises vacations but there’s always something impeding, always some reason. So I went on vacation without him. My daughter found a really good mid week bargain at the beach, so she and I along with my granddaughter went and had a nice time. And when M made comments like “must be nice to go to the beach” I simply replied “MASHALLAH it is.” So if you desire a vacation, just take your kids and go.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2018

    Jasmina,

    I can’t add much to what MS said. She is soooo right. She said it all. You’re only going to get what Allah has allotted for you. You getting angry at your husband because he can’t deliver what you want is useless.

    I will say that I think your husband is just making up excuses for why he thinks he doesn’t want you to have more children. He’s blaming the whole thing on you, saying you were suicidal at one time and you had considered leaving him, which is why he wants no more children with you. Those are some bullcrap excuses, if you ask me. Who knows what his real reason(S) are.

    You be the smart one, and know that if Allah has decreed that you’ll have another child, it’ll happen. It’s not dependent on your husband and what he thinks about it. He has no power. None of us do.

    Jasmina, you’ve been battling with whether you should leave your husband or not since you’ve been on the blog LOL. Just leave it be and let things happen naturally. If and when it’s time for you and your husband to part ways, it’ll happen. It won’t be of your doing. Allah is in control.

    If you have to have so much thought about whether you should leave or not, it means it’s not time. So, stop wasting time with thoughts about it. Just live your marriage and make the best of it. We waste so much time trying to figure things out. Allah has already determined what’s what and how it will be…

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2018

    Jasmina, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I am so happy that MS replied to you. I had been meaning to get back to you and write more here to everyone. I’ve been troubleshooting a problem I was having in the backoffice of the blog and got fixated with it. Alhumdulliah, the problem is resolved. When I find a problem on the blog, I can’t rest till I fix it.

  • MS

    February 5, 2018

    @Jasmina

    Allah is the Provider. He alone determines when and if we have children and vacations.

    If Allah wills for you to have these things, it doesn’t matter what your husband thinks or feels, you’ll get it. And if it’s not decreed, no amount of trying to convince your husband will change the situation.

    I know it’s tough but keep making dua that Allah gives you the extra children and vacations, do good deeds to draw closer to Him and just leave it in His Hands. He knows what is best for you https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

    I hope that didn’t come across as too blunt. Wishing you all the best sis https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

  • Jasmina

    February 5, 2018

    Ana

    Help, my husband still doesn’t want more children with me and won’t take me on any vacations which he promised he would. I’m wanting to leave him, do you think it’s wrong of me as he’s being a good husband now except for these things. He says that because I was suicidal before and because I’ve threatened to leave he doesn’t want kids now. I’m at my whits end!

  • Mari2

    February 4, 2018

    MASHALLAH! This site is an absolute blessing.

  • Tasliyman

    February 3, 2018

    Happy anniversaryhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif
    May the blog continue to be a source of support to many others as it has been to me. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    February 2, 2018

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All,

    You may have noticed some weird stuff going on with the blog. We’ve been experiencing technical issues along with me trying to put together the new thread, making corrections to links etc. You may experience more interruptions, as the technician continues to work on this site. Insha Allah, bear with me while we get it together. Thank you!

  • anabellah

    February 2, 2018

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace. Welcome to the new discussion thread for February 2018. We thank you all for being here. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussions. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the January 2018 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is: January 2018 Discussions

    polygamy 411 January 2018 Discussions