Pakistani Culture and Polygamy

Pakistani Culture and PolygamyThe former US First Lady Michelle Obama sent me a form generated email the other day that caused me to think about Pakistani culture and polygamy. It wished Malala Yousafzai a happy birthday. Maybe you remember Malala was the young Pakistani girl who the Taliban shot in the head in Pakistan some years ago. They shot her because she was an advocate for girls to get an education.

It makes me think of how naive foreign (non-Pakistani) women are to think that they could live happily ever after with Pakistani men. The woman thinks the man’s culture, his upbringing, and his way of life won’t impact her life in a huge way and not for the best. It is silly for her to think that way.

Those who reared us, as well as our environment shapes us. Therefore, what makes two people who come from vastly different cultures think that they could live together without conflict? It’s not as though they have Islam in common to bridge the gap. I have learned so much about Pakistani culture and polygamy from being on this blog.

A foreign woman should Investigate Pakistani culture and polygamy before she gets in too deep

She should look into what the man’s way of life was before she became involved with him. For instance, what is his family background? Look into his family traditions and mores. All of it tells a lot about what she will deal with, if she marries him.

She should expect problem if she grew up believing in love marriages when he grew up believing that arranged marriages are the norm. What does she think when she reads that Pakistani girls are not encouraged to go to school to get an education? It’s the Pakistani men who made those rules.Does she know the Pakistani husband expects his wife to care for his parents? Pretty much, she’s their servant. Not to mention that it’s a “third world country”.

Pakistani culture and polygamy do not go together

One would think that Pakistanis believe in polygamy. They don’t. Nonetheless, they don’t mind using the concept of polygamy. They become polygamous to get what they want. It’s to get themselves and their families out of Pakistan. Many resort to the use of foreign women to get it done. It is common for the man to marry a foreign woman, although he is already married to a Pakistani woman who is back in Pakistan, or he intends to.

Sadly, the man latches to the foreign woman, and she hasn’t done her homework (learned about him). He views her as less than his virgin Pakistani bride back home. Furthermore, cousin marriages are quite common. As the saying goes-blood is thicker than water. The men’s Pakistani families come first. Foreign women should not ignore the differences between them and the Pakistani men whom they love or want to love.

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Pakistani Culture and Polygamy

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14 Comments

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2017

    Mari2,

    Thank you for sharing your knowledge about arranged marriages in Pakistan. It’s very interesting. I don’t think there is anything wrong with arranged marriages, other than I think it’s wrong for Muslims to say that they can only marry Muslims of their own nationality or tribe or a cousin or someone who their parents say they MUST marry.

    It’s our religion – ISLAM that is supposed to bind us. We are all one brotherhood regardless of Nationality, race, or color etc.

    As far as wealth is concerned, we are supposed to keep it circulating. We aren’t supposed to just keep it amongst those in our families as in keep it all in the family. I would hate to be of those of the “Royal Family” (Saudi Arabia) on the day of Judgment… Those jokers have taken the wealth of the Muslim community and have done all that Allah tells us not to. The whole sorry lot of them have.

  • Mari2

    July 15, 2017

    Most of the cousin marriages and arranged marriages in Pakistan exist in the more rural, patriarchal KPK. Things remain more tribal in the KPK. It’s not to say that cousin marriages don’t exist elsewhere in Pakistan but the majority of them are in KPK.

    I do often wonder if the years of British colonialism didn’t alter the mindset of the people of Pakistan with regards to polygamy. In British culture, marrying a cousin and or arranged marriages were the norm in the 18th and 19th centuries. Polygamy? No. Mistresses? Of course.

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2017

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2017

    Gail,

    I read negative things about Malala, after she got to the West, as well. I couldn’t believe it. It’s bizarre. Someone shoots this young girl in the head for no other reason than that she wanted to go to school for an education and wants it for all girls, and she’s the one who gets ridiculed for it. That is loco https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani,

    I think you, Gail and I are on the same page, barring a nuance in wording. Instead of saying Pakistanis don’t believe in polygamy, perhaps to say they don’t “accept” polygamy would be more accurate. If most don’t engage in it, then I think it’s safe to say that they don’t accept it.

    Gail mentioned that from what she has seen, Pakistani women “hate” the thought of polygamy. Actually, I’ll go as far as to say that the majority of women, whether Muslim or not, or regardless of their nationality dislike the thought of polygamy, let alone being in a polygamous marriage.

    As you stated, many of the Pakistani men probably believe in polygamy and want to practice it. I agree with you, based on the makeup of men. I think it falls in line with many men wanting to be with more than one woman. I don’t think they relish the thought of maintaining them all though. It could be one reason why polygamy isn’t legal in the US. Men prefer to be able to have relationships with any and all women without being responsible for them. It’s like – why buy the cow when the milk is free. In the US, fornication and adultery are okay. There are no laws against those acts. The only time adultery is problematic is when a spouse CATCHES/FINDS OUT ABOUT the other one committing it. Punishment comes into play only when the spouse is penalized for committing the act. The punishment comes in the form of a divorce in terms of division of assets and paying alimony etc.

    Yeah, I get that Pakistani men may like the idea of polygamy, but they refrain from engaging in it because the Pakistani women, who a lot of them are relatives, are against it. They don’t care that Allah allows polygamy. How the people feel about it matters more to them than what Allah says about it.

    I suppose polygamy could get complicated when Pakistanis only marry cousins. It would be a convuluted family tree.

    The Pakistani men primarily engage in polygamy to take advantage of women who aren’t Pakistani in an effort to get their sexual and monetary needs met, for instance. They don’t want to go against their Pakistani women/relatives, but don’t mind deceiving and conning foreign women.

  • Gail

    July 15, 2017

    Ana,
    Malala is adorable and I hope to see her run for President of Pakistan some day!I have heard alot of negative things over the years concerning Malala like she is being used as a Puppet from the west to make it seem like girls have a hard time getting educated which back in my MIL time truly was the case.My own MIL when she was little only went to school one day because her own brothers threw her books down on the ground and told her girls don’t go to school and instead of their mom beating the boys @$$ my MIL was denied an education which is disgusting because she has a very bright mind.Fast forward to today most girls are very well educated in Pakistan to my knowledge.To me Malala is a symbol of out with the old and in with the new!

  • Gail

    July 15, 2017

    Abdullah_ Pakistani,

    I agree with u most Pakistani men would jump on the Polygamy bandwagon but because the Majority of men marry cousins in Pakistan from what I have seen it creates family division.Pakistani women from what I have seen in my own family hate the thought of Polygamy.I also noticed that my own Pakistani Ex Cowife did everything in her power to force my husband to divorce me and bring her to USA.Her and her family even stooped as low as to marry my husbands sister age 27 who was divorced with her then 17 yr old brother thinking they could force my husbands hand to divorce me in order to save his sister from a second divorce.My husband and inlaws refused to be forced into divorcing me so my husbands sister moved back home and got a divorce from my excowife’s brother.
    I know every family is different but I got a very strong impression that Pakistani women in general strongly dislike Polygamy.

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you much for imputing, my brother-in-Islam. I appreciate it 🙂

    You stated, “For had he the resources or attributes to come to your country he most likely would never have professed his undying love for you in the first place.”

    I agree with you. Definitely, I believe that foreign women need to take responsibility for what happens to them and shouldn’t blame it all on having been bamboozled by any man. It could be that many foreign women think that they are superior to Paksitani women and others because they are “foreign”. They may think that because they are sexually experienced that it is an attribute. They may think it makes them more desirable and worthy of royal treatment and the like. It may make them desirable, but not worthy of the royal treatment. They then soon realize that they were just being used for a means to an end (citizenship or just a sexual exploit) as those men value purity and virginity, which the foreign wife doesn’t have. One really needs to learn to value oneself. It’s a beginning….

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2017

    I, too, wish Malala a

    Pakistani Culture and Polygamy

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    July 15, 2017

    I only disagree with the writer on one minor point that is “Pakistanis do not believe in polygamy”
    They do believe in polygamy and many like me want to practice it but even with all the resources i.e money, time etc we are unable to do so since our first wives are cousins or close relatives and have very strong aversion to polygamy ..
    A majority of my friends are men with resources and are blessed with just, honest and upright personalities who yearn for a second spouse but the complications that will arise from a second marriage keeps them away from polygamy …

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    July 15, 2017

    I agree with the writer that for a foreign lady particularly from the West it is a huge risk to marry anyone from Pakistan.
    Not that there aren’t any of men who are honest and not polygamous and not under any cultural or family pressure to take up a second wife in Pakistan.
    It is that more often than not plenty of men from Pakistan under financial duress or lack of opportunities here in Pakistan seek a back door access to the West through marriage. They lie and make stories up to get residential status in the west and some have children and families back home in Pakistan!
    I hope the awareness grows and the women themselves try their best not to fall for such men.
    Number one rule should be that if the person can not come to your country and marry you for any reason you should not go to his country to marry him and import him to your country.
    For had he the resources or attributes to come to your country he most likely would never have professed his undying love for you in the first place.

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    July 15, 2017

    AOA,
    I wish my brave sister Malala Yousafzai, a very warm birthday.
    May Allah SWA shower HIS blessings on her and her family..AMEEN

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2017

    Pakistani Culture and Polygamy

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2017

    Obama Foundation

    Hello there —

    Twenty years ago today, in a part of Pakistan where women and girls are so often silenced, a girl was born who would one day use her voice to change the world.

    Her name is Malala Yousafzai, and she is one of my heroes.

    Despite threats from Taliban terrorists who banned girls in her community from attending school, Malala’s father, a teacher, believed that his daughter should get an education. And Malala bravely spoke out about the dangers she faced, writing a blog about her fears that the Taliban would attack her school.

    The Taliban sought to retaliate, and in October of 2012, as Malala and her friends were traveling home from school, a gunman stormed their school bus and shot her in the head.

    Thankfully, Malala survived, and she refused to be silenced. In the years since, she has traveled the globe, fighting for girls’ education, and she won a Nobel Peace Prize for her extraordinary efforts. She did all of this before even finishing high school — in fact, she graduated just last week!

    There are young people like Malala in every corner of the globe who are determined to get an education worthy of their promise. In the new chapter of our lives, Barack and I are committed to doing whatever we can to support these young leaders.

    I hope you’ll join me in wishing Malala a happy birthday and in working to ensure that every girl has the chance to fulfill her boundless potential.

    — Michelle