Polygamous Marriages Contain Ease

polygamous marriages contain easePolygamous marriages contain ease for the Muslim wife and the Muslim husband who actively live the religion Islam. Islam is a way of life. It’s not just something that a Muslim does on a Friday, such as go to Jumu’ah prayer. Neither is it only about fasting the Holy Month of Ramadan or eating Halal foods. Neither is it all about the clothes a person wears. All of it, of course, is part of living an Islamic way of life, but it is not all that Islam is.

All the parties to a polygamous marriage should look at themselves individually, as they aren’t necessarily all on the same page. They may not have the same level of belief in Allah. In fact, some may not believe in Allah at all. Many times a wife in the polygamous marriage isn’t Muslim. In this post, I will talk about the wife, but what I say can apply to the husband, as well.

Polygamous marriages contain ease for the wife who devotes her life to the worship of Allah. Allah created us to obey, serve and worship Him. To get the ease that comes from Allah, a wife must have belief along with righteous deeds. We need those two things to enter Paradise. Some of the righteous deeds I noted above.

So what is belief in Allah? It is to accept as true all that Allah says in the Holy Quran. A wife does not believe if she accepts only the parts of the Quran that she likes, and rejects other parts. Belief is not to take exception to any part of it.

Polygamous marriages contain ease for the wife who believes in Allah

So, what is belief in Allah? It’s to believe that not only did Allah place her in the marriage, He chose the man whom she married. He chose the other woman or women that her husband married, as well. The wife wasn’t part of the selection process. The believing wife lives life as though she makes decisions, but in her heart and mind she knows full well Allah does it all.

A wife with the correct belief in Allah doesn’t deceive herself as to why she’s in a polygamous marriage. For instance, she doesn’t says that she stays in it for the sake of Allah, but stays for other reasons.

Some of the reasons that a wife may stay in a polygamous marriage is because she fears being without a husband. She may fear raising the children without their father. Furthermore, she may fear not being able to support herself financially without him. Another fear is that she will never wed again. Fear is not good because Allah tells us to fear no one and nothing but Him. Yet, many wives are full of fear.

Polygamous marriages contain ease for the wife who does not make life about herself

She has ease only if Allah has allowed her to read the Holy Quran and lets her understand what she reads. Furthermore, Allah only guides those who seek His guidance. A wife must seek Allah’s guidance with a sincere desire and goal to serve Him.

Additionally, a wife must sincerely care about entering Paradise in the Hereafter. She mustn’t get wrapped up in living this life. For instance, she mustn’t make her life all about her marriage, husband, or children. If she’s living her life the same way non-Muslims are in that she is only concerned about this life, then she will find no ease in her life.

Polygamous marriages contain ease for the wife who believe in all that is in the Holy Quran

A wife must read the Quran to learn it and live it. She must accept all that is in the Quran even though she may not understand it. Belief is to accept something without needing proof. It is belief in the unknown.

We have limited understanding, as we are not Allah. A Muslim/Believer accepts what Allah says without questioning it. If a wife listens to those who do not know why Allah created us, and do not believe in what He says, she will go astray. She will not have ease in this life. Most importantly, she won’t enter Paradise.

If a wife thinks she could pick up the Quran, read it, and begin to pray so her husband will love her or love her more than the other wife, and get results, she is mistaken. The Quran is not for a person to pick up and turn to in the time of a crisis. It is for a Muslim to read and turn to daily, at all times for the rest of  her life. After all, life is about Allah.

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35 Comments

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2016

    Farah MK, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome :-)

    I’m happy you’ve found the blog and you are here. I am especially happy that you have found the blog to be helpful to you. Thank you for writing and sharing your nice thoughts about it.

    You are welcome to ask questions or share or vent or whatever is your pleasure, God willing, as I know you’re not anti-polygamy. You’re trying to find your way through it and are taking the journey thus far. By all means speak :-) Again, welcome.

  • Farah MK

    June 27, 2016

     @anabellah Asalam alaykum I cannot tell you how much comfort your words brought to me Jazak Allah Khair. Everytime things get tough for me I read your response and it makes me feel better. Thank you so much sister really :-) it feels like nobody not even my husband is aware of the challenges and the difficulties I face on a daily basis. So its nice to know that I’m doing something right and my efforts aren’t at a loss. You sound to have a lot of knowledge in this particular part of Islam will it be okay for me to speak to you more? 

    Thank you so much once again :-)

     

  • Fatima

    July 18, 2015

    Salamu Alaykum Ana , I was talking to my friend the one who was going for the divorce, she has kids she was telling me she had threatend to leave and take the kids but she had reasons, she didn’t say it for her husband to leave the other wife because it was clear her husband was stuck up her but lol! It isn’t just women who become stuck up thier husbands it can be other way which leads to that husband killing him and his first wifes relashionship to the point it’s very difficult to fix, her kids are her world they were her support and Comfert in the hardships she faced and kept her going so she told her husband she will take them because she doesn’t want the other women to raise them and her husband can’t, any mother who has love in her heart for her children could not let them go,
    My friend her husband is ina situation were he can not be fair as it is physically impossible due to work and distance of wifes and the other works with him etc. even though my friend is a perm wife and other a temp and she has rights higher, she has been let down a lot, hurt from past which I don’t mean long ago past I mean one that last scince marriage until few weeks ago etc, she doesn’t trust much and feels like she is just losing in this, her self esteem broken and her family broken its not the best atmosphere, her husband claims he wants to start with her but she knows he needs her because if she divorces him his second marriage won’t workout and it will cause problems with relatives but she has been unhappy, what’s she to do, she still has love for him but it’s dead or dying if that makes sense, I keep telling her just pray to Allah read quran something will pop up have hope have faith but she is clearly struggling I hope Allah will bless her and help her she needs it,

    I was curious if a husband is in a situation were he works with one of his wife and sees her everyday before work, during work in breaks sometimes and after work so in her days and the wife #2 days but the wife #2 doesn’t see him on the days that are not hers at all is that fair , and is it fair if he spends a lot more time with one because nobody gets in the way like relatives or outside house jobs or kids, does a wife not have a right to be upset and or unhappy, is it something she is just forced to close her mouth and deal with it even though she deserves better and sees her friends around her have normal relationships with thier husbands and the children have normal fathers always thier for them. Salamu Alaykum

  • anabellah

    July 16, 2015

    @Farah MK, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I could imagine how hurtful it is that you must keep your marriage a secret because she has threatened to take his children away from him. I would think he’d not like her as a result of it. I get he probably loves her, but how could he like a person like that – to USE the children so she doesn’t have to share him? She doesn’t want to share with a sister-in-faith.

    Allah has allowed him to have another wife – you – yet she tells him that he can’t. How ugly and bold is that? I can’t imagine that she feels good about herself. She can’t be happy in the marriage. Allah doesn’t reward evil with good. Evil is rewarded with evil.

    She said you ruined her marriage and stole her husband. She ruined her own marriage with her disposition, terrible attitude and wrong beliefs. We all go through changes when our husbands marry other women, but eventually after assessing the situation, getting ourselves right with Allah, we move forward with the truth of the matter. Life becomes beautiful again, way more beautiful than it ever had been – I can only speak of what I know. You did nothing more than what Allah allowed you to do, so don’t take the weight for what has happened.

    If all the husbands cater to the wives they married first, who hate polygamy, and not marry other women, there would be no polygamy. Allah allows both monogamy and polygamy. It’s okay for women to marry men who are already married. If Allah allows polygamy for men, it means it is okay for women to marry men who are married. They have a right to marry the men, the same as the women who married first had a right to marry them.

    I know for a fact that it’s a devastating thing for a woman to have her husband marry another, but I truly believe it’s a process for her to go through and it will help purify her heart and bring her closer to Allah, if she has faith in Allah.

    You’re doing the right thing, Sis, by putting it all in Allah’s hands. Continue to pray, and PATIENTLY persevere. You sound to have a good heart, and are a kind, patient and understanding sister. You’re right not to play the silly, petty games with her. It’s not worth it. You would only ruin your own soul, if you do. Keep doing what you’re doing. You’re right. Allah does see all things. Let Him take care of it…

  • @Farah MK

    July 16, 2015

    @annabellah i completely agree with everything you said about a wife should have a main focus on trying to please her Lord not try win her husband back or make him want to be with her.. lool i so agree with that comment of if a wife is all up her husbands butt and business then how on earth do you expect to have focus on the greater picture

  • @Farah MK

    July 16, 2015

    @fatima i agree with you completely unless you have solid proof there is no reason for you to doubt the first wife. I just want to make sure you dont misunderstand me i dont blame his first i understand it must be very difficult for her as she never expected this, i still pray for her and her family that if i have hurt her for her to have forgiveness in her heart for me and that if i have felt hurt by her and her actions for me to be able to forgive her. However with me the first wife said to my face and my husbands face that if he doesn’t divorce me she will take away his children so we keep our marriage a secret which comes with another whole set of problems for me i dont push any of them issues onto her or my husband i speak to Allah because ONLY Allah can grant me relief not my husband and not her, but she doesn’t understand the issues and struggles i am having to deal with, your completely right @fatima about how you don’t know what struggles the other person is facing. However she has told me to my face that i ruined her marriage and that i “stole” her husband away from her and that she will never ever accept me how much more proof do i need lol. i do believe that what you @fatima said about how they shouldn’t assume the worse about each other should go for both sides first and second wife. to me revenge and things like that are petty theres no need for that stuff turn to Allah and indeed you will find contentment and patients which is what i do i dont feel like i need to play any silly childish games, i comfort myself with the the thought that Allah is watching and i do dua for patients and strength to deal with any problems in the best possible islamic way.

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2015

    @Fatima,

    I agree with you that it’s not easy to know what’s going on with a co. In Farah MK’s case maybe the co said to her that she thinks Farah MK is trying to keep their husband from her. Maybe the husband told Farah MK that it’s what the co thinks based on what the husband gets from the co.

    My thing is I think it’s best that once a wife knows that a co wants nothing to do with her, stay clear of her. Leave her alone. Let her be. What a person chases runs from him or her.

    If and when Allah sees fit for the wives to come together, he will brings them together. The wives may not be on the same level of belief. It may not be good for them to be up close and personal with each other.

    Some people we need to keep our distance from. Allah tells us who to befriend and who not to befriend. Just because she is a co doesn’t mean she needs to be a friend. Those are my thoughts about it.

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2015

    @Fatima,

    About your friend who ended up divorce, based on what you said about her, I can see why she had the problems she did and she CONTINUED to suffer. Probably every woman who has ever been in a polygamous marriage that she never wanted suffers. The difference is some are relieved of the suffering sooner than later and some are never relieved of it.

    If a woman continually suffer with no signs of relief, she’s got a problem with her Lord. I don’t know if her lord is her husband or Allah, but she’s definitely has got a problem with Allah. Allah says He relieves the believer’s suffering. With hardship comes ease. With hardship comes relief. He disposes of the believer’s affairs towards comfort and ease. Allah’s promises are true. Allah doesn’t lie. So, if she’s getting no relief, well, need I say more…

    If you re-read what you wrote about the friend, everything she did was to try to please her husband. We’re not on this earth to please a spouse. Allah placed us on this earth to serve Him. We should be about pleasing Allah.

    If we serve Allah properly, a spouse will be pleased in the course of it. The woman who serves Allah, Allah will let her do good to everyone who deserves good. Allah would have her doing good deeds. Even if her husband is a flaming @$$hole, she’ll be happy. Allah will see to it that his believing servant is happy.

    If a woman isn’t going to try serve Allah properly and she is in a polygamous marriage or any marriage, for that fact, she will be unhappy. She may as well get divorced, although she could only divorce if Allah wrote it for her.

    Allah says He turns those thing against people that they love more than Him. If a wife is all up her husband’s butt, Butt kisser trying to get him to love her and be the way she wants him to be, that husband will turn against that wife. If the wife is trying all she can to serve Allah, Allah will turn that husband towards the wife. If he is not a worthy husband, then Allah may replace him with a husband who is better or he may keep them together and she’ll be happy despite him.

    Adversity will bring a believer closer to Allah, not away from Him. Allah loves the believers. If a person can’t bring herself to worship Allah because of her adversity, Allah doesn’t want any good for her. She’s not seeking His guidance. Allah only guides those who seek His guidance.

    Allah lets us know that He will agonize those who don’t serve Him. He will give them respite, but agony and suffering will be at their door in this life and it will be Hell in the Hereafter. It applies to some Muslims as well. There is a distinct difference between a Muslim/Believer and a Muslim. A Believer believes what Allah says in the Holy Quran.

    Many of the scholars and Imams have mislead women by telling them a lie, telling them they will get to Paradise by serving their husbands. Nothing is further from the truth. They will get to Paradise by serving Allah.

    Allah says:
    “And he said: “For you, ye have taken (for worship) idols besides Allah, out of mutual love and regard between yourselves in this life; but on the Day of Judgment ye shall disown each other and curse each other: and your abode will be the Fire, and ye shall have none to help.” Quran: Surah 29, ayah 25

  • Fatima

    July 15, 2015

    I should also note that one problems all wives will face with each other is assuming what is going on with the other wifes side as and example for @ Farah mk you said ur first wife resents you and trys to keep you husband away from you, before you have that in your head be a 100% the first wife is trying to do that make sure yu have proof because you may start resenting her when she may be innocent, I find it funny how wifes indirectly have a war with each other or like take revenge on each other, but then again you never know what’s on the other side what that person is dealing with and u don’t know what’s inside there hearts there intentions.. Life is a struggle

  • Fatima

    July 15, 2015

    I agree with farah mk, but unfortunately every polygamous situation is different and these people who live in it have different lives with each individual situation it’s quite interesting, you will never ever find the same situation you can only go off with what is closest to ur match, I had a friend were it was the opposite for her she had done so much for her husband and so much meaning she had gone through so much pain because of her husband and there marriage was a fail but she still had stroven hard to make it work and be there for him and be a great wife to the best of her ability at that time with everyhing going on around her and when her husband decided to follow his lust and or so called heart to get another wife she still tryed and kept on hurting trying to be good to the second wife trying to make work things for her giving her advice to make her be a good wife a good muslim but it adventully gt to much and she stoped talking to the second. Wife it caused her to much pain and she deteriated and is going for a divorce, every situation is different, everyone has a different capacity to tolerate things. we all have different pasts, Allah is the greatest witness to all things and he knows bests for each, all we can do is give support and advice to one another but in the end it is us ourselves that have to experience and learn from it all and do what’s best for our life’s in this world and hereafter, no one can force you to stay in sormthing that makes u unhappy and makes r religion unstable and no one can force you not to stay I hope we all have easy and prosperous life’s in this world and hereafter.

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2015

    @farah MK, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m very happy you have joined us. I am especially appreciative of your comment. I’m sure it will be very helpful for all of us. I always like hearing from women who married their husbands in the order of second. The order only matters in reference to some of the experiences. A woman who married first may have different issues than those who married later; although all wives have more in common than differences.

    I have learned a lot from wives who married, 2nd, 3rd and 4th. I’ve said it often on this blog. Most I’ve found to be very nice, kind, and understanding ladies. A few have come here that I’ve found abrasive, controlling and not likeable at all. I’m sure the same can be said by others about wives who have married first, and have come here.

    I agree with all you have said. Nothing you said came across to me as offensive. I’m glad you came forward and shared what you have learned from first hand experience.

    I want to thank you, as well for putting a MK after your name. There are a couple other farahs here and another who was here. It begins to get tough trying to remember who is who. So, you helping out that way is way good :-)

    If you have anything else you’d like to share or talk about, please speak. I thank Allah much for your input. I will remember you and all the sisters here in my duah, as well. Much love to you, sister!

  • @farah MK

    July 15, 2015

    Asalamalaykum I just read your post and felt that I should try and help you sister with your jealousy and hatred towards your husbands second wife. Please don’t be upset by anything I say but I am my husbands second wife and I can only speak for myself but where you generalise a day all second wives try to create distances between first wife and husband I do not believe that is true. Speaking as a second wife myself a second wife feels a lot more because she has to deal with the thoughts of where her husbands loyalty lies seeing as she is the first wife and was in his life first. I think that often first wives misunderstand the position and nature of the other wives, I have experienced this myself. My husbands first wife resents me she try’s whatever she can to keep me away from him which I understand as she was not prepared for what happened. But for the sake of his first family not feeling uprooted and for the husband to try and keep both happy the second wife tends to overlook many many things, she’s a human too she feels emotions of jealousy and loneliness but try’s her hardest not to put it across in their relationship she works alongside her husband to ensure that the first wife doesn’t feel abandoned or like he’s neglecting his duty or children even though the second wife ends up neglecting herself and not realising that this is what has happened. I sympathise with you a lot and inshallah May Allah grant you contentment and free you from all Malice and jealous thoughts but my advise would be to acknowledge that he has a second wife but there’s no need for you to dwell on what happens between them it might seem like everything’s perfect for them on the outside but on the inside there may be many unresolved feelings and conflict. I also advise you that if you feel your husband is neglecting your rights as a wife that you communicate and talk to him and try to ale him understand from your point of view but be very careful not to put blame on him or the fact that he has married again because that will only push you further apart. Remember that the past is the past he has married again there is not much you can do apart from pray to Allah (S.W.T) to strengthen your heart and focus and to grant you patients to forgive your husband and his second wife and move on from that and focus on your own family. Also remember sister that life is short enjoy the good moments you have shared together and make plans taking his second wife and family into consideration and try to create many more happy memories. I know indeed it is very hard but Allah has granted us women the strength of character to be able to face any hardship, pray to Allah often and Inshallah sister I will remember you in my Duas if you feel bad about anything I have said. I apologise from the bottom of my heart.

  • anabellah

    July 13, 2015

    Allah lets us know in the Holy Quran that the male is not like the female. He said,

    “When she was delivered, she said: “O my Lord! Behold! I am delivered of a female child!”- and Allah knew best what she brought forth- “And no wise is the male Like the female. I have named her Mary, and I commend her and her offspring to Thy protection from the Evil One, the Rejected.” Quran: Surah 3, ayah 36

    Allah says about females,

    “Is then one brought up among trinkets, and unable to give a clear account in a dispute (to be associated with Allah)?” Quran: Surah 43, ayah 18

    Allah said it about people who were attributing things (gods/idols) to Him that were female, and taking males for themselves.

    Allah clearly lets us know in the Holy Quran that the male and female are not alike. He tells us that He has given males a degree more than females.

    He said men may be polygamous, which means Allah gave men the way and means to do it without hardship. Men place the burden and hardship on themselves when they set out to satisfy their selfish desires, and are not aware of Allah. They only care about what they want, when they want it, and how they want it. They don’t know their religion – Islam. They don’t care about their religion – Islam.

  • anabellah

    July 13, 2015

    @Fatima,

    I watched the video. He made me laugh a few times BUT, overall, I thought he was crass and his vocabulary offended my sensibilities. I knew what he was trying to say. I think he didn’t present it well, nor did he present himself well.

    For anyone who would like to know about males and females and how they differ when in relationships (marriage), I’d suggest they read, “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” by John Gray, PHD along with some of his other books. He presented the information with intelligence and tack. I’ve included a list of some of his books up above in Polygamy 411 favorite picks of books.

  • Fatima

    July 12, 2015

    You are so right, before I use to think that men are like us women I didn’t realise how differently they thought and took things In General I didnt realise but I was fairly young so fair enough lol scince being married I have learnt a lot about that lol! But in a good way imagine if men acted like us hahah disaster, i like parts of the western society but some parts are bad, wen being brought up were ever you are from you become custom to that its something normal so when us women come from a background were we haven’t even heard the word polygamy it’s a huge deal but when you look at it positively it does make sense but we are selfish lol that reminds me of another video I watched you will like it I did it’s very short it’s a guy saying his opinion on how men can love more than two women but it’s us women who are the selfish ones I admit at the start I was very selfish in the heart I never wanted to accept anyof it but I tryed to stay positive and keep it in my heart as much as I could I think when you grow older and have better understanding of things and also you meet with your husband at the same level emotionally etc and you are both fufilling each other’s rights and being the best to each other you become better with the idea of it and it starts to make sense and you see the benefits
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TUy6BB6_nZ4

  • anabellah

    July 12, 2015

    @Fatima,

    Insha Allah, I’ll watch it and will share my thoughts about it with you. It should be interesting. I totally believe men and women love differently. After all, we are different. Most women are inherently monogamous and most men are inherently polygamous. Some women want privileges of men in that arena and degrade themselves.

  • Fatima

    July 12, 2015

    You know what I realised a lot of the time marriages have bad communication, Which leads to failure big time, I was watching this YouTube video and I had to share this it’s about how men and women love differently it’s not something I would usually watch but I’m thankful I did because the message that was sent across deffinantly helped me to become closer to my husband, I would try write out what he says in but I cant I don’t hve time right now, but it’s really good
    I showed my husband and he laughed he said he agrees how it’s true And we both agreed to try out the advice he gave to become closer
    Anna I hope you don’t mind me putting the YouTube link here i really wanted to show you this

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RSrikoGin7E
    i foind it really interesting xxxoo if you watched let me know what you think

  • anabellah

    July 12, 2015

    @farah,

    I was going to be mute, but must ask how your husband could have taken the phone from you? It’s something a parent or guardian does to a child. You are a grown woman. It baffles me that he’d take such measures with his wife. He needs to differentiate between how a man should treat his children and wives. There is a difference. The phone was your property, given to you by Allah, in your possession. What right did he have to take it from you? You were okay with it? You said you were wrong? Why do you think you were wrong?

  • anabellah

    July 12, 2015

    @farah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I understand you are in a lot of pain and hurt as a result of your husband marrying again. Every wife who didn’t seek the lifestyle out with her husband, feels it when her husband marries another. It’s an awful, terrible feeling that no one could begin to realize unless having gone through it. I truly think it is a process that the wife has to go through. It is a means of purification for those who believe Allah tests some of us, so we could see where we need some serious work on ourselves. The feelings that we have such as jealousy and envy etc are not good in any sense of the word. Some wives say Aishah, one of the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was jealous, as if to say jealousy is okay. It is not okay. So, some of us work on dealing with those emotions to the point that eventually the emotions don’t rule us. We are able to subdue them and eventually bring them under control.

    You said in one breath the following: “I have no interest in her and what she is and what she actually wants from the marriage….” On the other hand you speak about all that she is receiving from the marriage that is upsetting to you.

    You stated, “I don’t let him buy me anything or I won’t accept it unless he buys for her my nature is that way and I’m very caring…” I suggest you not concern yourself with making sure he buys her something when he buys you something. She’s getting hers. She’s not lacking in that department. Polygamy isn’t a case that a husband has to give his other wife each and every time he gives the other. Allah determines what we get and when we get it. It may seem the husband is making the decision, but he is not. Allah rewards people based on how He sees fit in his Judgement. Allah determines who gets what and when for whatever reason he decides it. I suggest you just gracefully accept what you receive from Allah by way of your husband, and not concern yourself with him giving to her when he gives to you. How do you know he doesn’t give to her already when he gives to you without you knowing?

    I think when you reach a point in knowing that Allah decides everything, you won’t care what she gets. You won’t care about the vacations, their free time together or anything. It’s really envy and to recognize it as that is the first step in trying to overcome the feeling. Envy is not being happy with what Allah has given someone else. It’s having a problem with Allah gives others.

    Some women join an existing family and they think they are royalty. They don’t care a thing about the other wife and family. Those are wives who are all about themselves and satisfying their wants, wishes and desires. There is nothing anyone could do about it. Those wives need to work on themselves. It’s really their problem.

    If she is texting him and communicating with him during your time and you’re uncomfortable with it, you need to speak up and let him know, unless you’re trying to work on accepting Allah’s decree that He wrote the script that way. Otherwise, you’re simply holding it in, not liking it and it’ll eat away at you and eventually you may explode. It’ll all come pouring out in an ugly way. There is nothing wrong with us speaking to our husbands about what we are feeling. He can’t chat with her during your time, unless he engage her in dialogue. He allows her to text him, by accepting her texts or calls. If you’re uncomfortable with it, you need to let him know, perhaps he’ll change it.

    Insha Allah, have a nice evening and we’ll chat again… :-)

  • farah

    July 12, 2015

    Assalamualaikum @ummof4 I am very grateful alhamdulila I have everything ..I don’t know if you are a second third or first wife but you know nothing about me my lifestyle or my dedication towards Allah and my believe. …I have a right to feel jealous as I was not told he will marry again for a first wife it’s the hardest because when we find out it hits us hard especially when you not brought up with regards to polygamous marriages….inshallah in time I hope my wound heals…I often just want to free myself from this marriage because I feel I was given the rare end

    @Anna thank you for your advise as well….he took the fone away not because I text the second wife because I have increased chatting with friends to avoid being lonely …hence I was wrong …I don’t do childish things like sms the Co as I have no interest in her and what she is and what she actually wants from the marriage….from where I come you won’t understand what I mean by I’m working for them..alhamdulila Allah gave us barat and we are thankful and we are giving zakaat and all alhamdulila ….my point is the second wife comes from a poor family and received all branded items from my husband goes on 6th star holidays haven’t worked a single day for our business but enjoys the comfort….I work everyday even when he is away on trips with his second wife they travel 3 to 4 times a year and he travel every month. ..I travel once a year and always with my kids…they have free time alone just them …I don’t think I’m asking for much. ..ever since I found it it’s been hard…nobody will understand ….I had plans with retirement with my husband alone now I constantly think about her as well….I don’t let him buy me anything or I won’t accept it unless he buys for her my nature is that way and I’m very caring…but it’s hard…the jealousy the understanding the focusing on why he married…

    I will never speak to my Co neither will I ever want to meet her …I have no respect for woman who encourages a husband to lie and keep secrets and she is still doing it up until today….he text her toll late at night I keep quiet because Allah is there watching…when he is away I hardly message him as it’s his time with her even though why should I accept it …I mean I can just leave but I decided to try after reading all positive things from this group…it’s not easy…..so please don’t think I’m ungrateful I’m the most grateful person
    ..my husband was never my property …and he is not his second wife property then why does she act like that…these second wife’s like to take control and force the husbands to distance from the first wife hence the first wife sacrifices alot more than anyone else…thanks for listening…big night ahead plz remember me in or duas

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2015

    @Mari2,

    It sounds about right. Some wives lose their minds whenever the other wife and husband take a holiday/vacation. I’ve known one that ended up in the hospital and they were going to have to force feed her if she didn’t begin to eat and drink. Every time the husband and the other would get ready to go on vacation, she’d take the husband through all kinds of changes, and try to upset him before he’d leave.She’d argue and fight with him. She text the other wife nasty texts, as well. You could imagine the torment, agony and stress she took herself through. SMH

    You could imagine what M’s other went through while you, he and your MIL were away. It could be part of the reason her mother went off on M and his mother, as well. It’s some crazy stuff. It’s unbelievable. You handled his planning for months to marry another, and him going away for the marriage without you going bananas. Thank Allah much that he allowed you to maintain your composure, and not enter a state of temporary insanity LOL

    What a mess you’re in though. It would be nice if you had some type of leverage. It always nice to have the upper hand. There’s an ayah in the Quran that references one of Allah’s prophets having the upper hand in a situation. I believe in keeping the upper hand.

    All you could really do is pray to Allah to give you guidance and direction. If M divorces you, believe that Allah may have someone much better for you than M. Allah has a plan. We just don’t know what it is. Don’t fret. Don’t despair. Stay strong. Everything will work itself out with the help and permission of Allah. {{{hugs}}}

  • Mari2

    July 10, 2015

    @Ana
    well the past few days and vexing would be the best way to describe everything. Remind me never again to tell M that I am filled with joy to have him in my life. All that does is seem to create a mean speaking person within him. Number 2 blew up his phone because M, my MIL and I went on an overnight trip to the mountains. No cell service for 24 hours. When we got back into service range his phone blew up with messages from 2. Then her mom called M and his mom to complain about some slight or another. His mom did blow up on 2’s mom (wish I spoke pashto). Nonetheless, at the end of the tirade of conversations I heard my name repeatedly mentioned. So knowing what I know regarding culture, I flat out asked M if he was being asked/demanded to be rid of me. He said yes, 2 is demanding that he divorce me ASAP. As is her mom. I asked him what he told 2. You know what he said? “We’ll see.” If my head could have spun 360, it would have popped right off my body. “We’ll see?” Seriously? I did however manage to calm myself and simply say, “wow. Only 5 months into a marriage and her tongue is long and her demands are great. I can only imagine where you will be in 4 years.”

  • Fatima

    July 8, 2015

    3 times I’ve written out a comment but my phone died and now it’s on 10% hahah why now lol ,
    Happy bday for this month Anna, I’m a cancer too yayy water buddy’s lol, my bday was last month,
    I was just reading what you wrote to farah and I wish I had that advice before but I’m so thankful to hear this now as its so true and I can relate to it alot forsure! what does it hurt to try it out no body loses and I know after lots of wasted months of misery and not changing myself first before God gives me anything that I regret that time and i will never get those months back ! It’s not worth the waste @ farah honestly take in what Anna says and try it out especially if r husband is fulfilling ur rights and is good to you, see what happens try it for a few a weeks and see what happens if nothing changes give it another go or go back to ur old ways and Mabey its best yu move on in the end ur not alive on This earth forever and this earth isn’t our goal in life u will never ever find happiness unless you find it in Allah,

    @ Anna Thankyou so much for everything lol even reading the replays to comments is like reading more blog posts it’s so good here I’m loving it ! Nxt to the heater thinking of yu all xxxxooo

  • anabellah

    July 7, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum!

    @Mari2,

    I get the “fulfilling” and “vexing” part. Before you know it, you’ll be like – this (polygamy) is a piece of cake. You and many of the ladies here are newbies. As alison, said it’s a process.

    I was so happy to hear you say you had an “overwhelming joy” yesterday about M being in your life and you thanked Allah for him and the test. M must have felt so much happiness hearing your words. What a wonderful thing to have happen to you during Ramadan. It made me super happy hearing about it.

    Gail and I had said not long ago that we were happy with the experiences we’ve had in our lives, and wouldn’t want it any other way. We’d do it again, the way we feel now, if we had the option.

    You’ll probably be tested with challenges on a regular dealing with the culture, but it’s all good. Wives definitely have to take baby steps when in polygamous marriages, trying to adjust. You’re doing good, my friend. In fact, I LOVE your post! This is a wonderful Ramadan.

    @alison,

    Ramadan Mubarak to you too, Sis! We are all normal and it is “a process” in deed. Thank you for reminding us of it. I don’t have any doubt there are stages we go through in it that are common to the average Muslim woman who experiences it and remains in it. I think it is purifying for some. The peculiar thing about it is once one gets to the full acceptance stage, there is no more pain and heartache and there is utter peace and contentment in it. Life is still life in general in feeling better some days than others about life in general, but, with feeling good overall, living on this planet, no one could ask for more.

    @Muhajirah,

    You said a mouth full when you stated: “To remember thats ALLAHs desicion in anything what happen to us in life, make the heart quiet and peaceful. Allahu akbar!” Allah’s promises are true.

    I am so happy we all have one another here. Satan is an avowed enemy. As long as we remind one another, join together in the teaching of truth, patience and constancy, we’ll all be A-0kay, Insha Allah. Thank you, Sis.

  • anabellah

    July 7, 2015

    @Farah,

    To add to what ummof4 said about sex, men are all different when it comes to sex. Some men like women who are assertive and show them that they want them. Some men get turned off when women approach them for sex. They want to be the one to pursue and conquer. Only you know what type of man you married.

    As ummof4 said, if you were having sex about 3 times every 20 days or so before he married another, he has NOT done anything different. Why are you expecting more from him? It could be you want it more now because you know she’s getting it too. It happens that way for some. It’s not at all unusual. It is quite usual, a matter of fact. Sex may not have matter to a woman before, but as soon as he gets with another she wants it all the time. The poor man gets worn out. He can’t catch a break, but finds he needs to take one. He never expected the first to become more active. Now, he’s got more than he could handle. He probably wants to run from some sex Giggling

    I agree with ummof4 that if you are showing your husband that you are unhappy, he may not desire sex with you. If he’s bending over backwards, trying to show you his love and you are angry, bitter and nasty, then why would he want to get with that? It’s a turn off. He’s already giving you more days than her and I don’t know what else he’s giving you more than her, if anything. When a man feels that nothing he does makes his wife happy, guess what? He stops trying. He goes and gets with the one he knows he’s making happy. When he’s making his wife happy, he’s happy.

    You could be your own worse enemy, but you’re blaming him. You will continue to blame him as long as you believe in all the free will you think everyone has. Why don’t you take your free will and run up out of there if you’re unhappy and stop blaming it on some “Self Fulfilling Prophecy”? You don’t leave because you can’t. You can’t leave until Allah wills it.

    If you believe he went out and got himself a wife and Allah didn’t have His hand in it, then you’re going to be unhappy indefinitely unless he gets rid of her or you leave.

  • anabellah

    July 7, 2015

    @Farah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Please know that you are not alone in what you’ve been feeling, and have been going through. A woman is going to feel jealous when she’s in a polygamous marriage that she never asked for, and doesn’t want. It an emotion that every wife has and needs to work on. The best way to work on it is by not wanting to feel it any longer, and in turning to Allah to ask him to remove the feeling. It’s not to say he will remove the feeling forever. I doubt it ever goes away FOREVER. It may surface again from time to time, but you’ll know how to recognize it and subdue it. It’s somewhat like swatting Satan out the way. It will reach a point that your bouts of jealousy will far and few in between.

    I want to ask why your husband kept your phone. Something tells me that you may have been texting or calling her. No? You don’t have to answer it. I was just curious. Have you heard the saying, “Curiosity killed the cat?” LOL It’s weird, my husband was flipping through the channels last night and I saw that “Curious George” is on the air LOL

    Farah, I’m with ummof4 that you need to be GRATEFUL that your husband spends 20 days with you while your co only gets 10. I know it’s very difficult for a woman to show her gratitude when she is in a polygamous marriage and hurting. It seems NOTHING her husband does makes her feel better.It seems there is nothing he can do that will make her feel better. He can’t fill the void. I may sound like a broken record, but you really MUST remember Allah when you’re feeling ungrateful, envious, jealous, selfish or any base emotion. Allah tells us that verily his Servants are ungrateful. He tells us that when we are grateful, He gives us more.

    You said you’re sure your husband is more attentive to his other wife. You have no way of knowing it. It’s probably just Satan messing with your head. People say Satan is tied up during Ramadan. I’ve read NOTHING in the Quran to support such a saying. Allah never said it and it’s not implied anywhere in the Quran, so I’m not going with it. Allah says He will let Satan do his job (try to lead people astray) till the end of time. It’s what I’m going with – what is factual.

    Anyhow, you need to think and be grateful that you have a husband who has even given you more time than the other – ten more days than her. There are women out there who would love to be married, but Allah hasn’t given them husbands yet. Allah may never give some of them husbands. They’re online at marriage sites and everywhere searching for husbands. Thank Allah MUCH you’re not one of them. It’s being grateful.

  • anabellah

    July 7, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello There Everybody,

    I’m so happy so many of you are making your presence known here. It’s good hearing from each and every one of you. :-) I have more to say but little time to say it in. For the moment. I’ll be back to speak with everyone, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    July 7, 2015

    Dear Farah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I have a lot to say but little time to say it in, but I wanted to write to you before I go out.

    I really think the problem you’re facing has to do with how you are approaching your marriage and life. Until Allah allows you to make a change in the area I’m about to discuss with you, you will continue to be in an awful, tremendous amount of pain.

    You said you work very hard “working for them”, knowing all your efforts will be shared with another wife. I can say, you, right now, are receiving NO barakat (blessings) for what you are doing. You are not being rewarded from Allah, your husband, your co or anyone else.

    Allah lets us know that the good that people THINK they are doing is useless and wasteful. It’s all done in vain. They get no blessings for it.

    Everything we do should be to seek the good pleasure of Allah. It’s the only way we receive any blessings or rewards for what we do. If we do it to help a husband or to win the love of a husband or for the children and we are NOT mindfully, thinking of Allah by doing it, and wanting Him to be pleased with us, it’s useless deeds. The person is wasting time and energy.

    You don’t feel fulfilled and happy because you’re doing what you do seeking something in return for what you do. You want to see the return from other people for what you do. You’re seeking the return from your husband or the co or someone else. No one can make you happy, but Allah. Allah says in the Holy Quran that no one can bring any good or harm to his or herself without His permission. He has to will it into existence.

    You’re making your life about your husband. You want to be a good wife for your husband. You don’t want to be a good wife to seek the good pleasure of Allah. Life is not about trying to please a spouse. It’s about trying to please Allah. We should want Allah to be please with us and the heck with the husband. If you do good to seek the good pleasure of Allah, the husband will reap the results if Allah has found the husband worthy. Only Allah can help us and do any good for us. Until you begin to focus on Allah, you will be unhappy. I have more to say. I will be back, Insha Allah, later.

  • ummof4

    July 7, 2015

    As-Salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Farah, please be grateful that your husband spends more days with you than with his other wife. My experience has been that if you don’t stress the sex part of your marriage that it will happen naturally. Make sure that you are not showing him your unhappiness to the point that it makes him not want to have sex with you. Attitude can mean a lot.
    Did you and your husband have sex more often than 3 times in 20 days before he married another wife? If so, then he hasn’t changed his habits. How old is your husband? Sometimes older men over 45 lose some of their sex drive and don’t have sexual intercourse as often as they used to. (Ladies, I said some men, not all men.) When you think about it, having sex is more physically challenging for the man than for the woman. He has to have a strong heart, strong arms, strong legs, and other strong body parts.

    Please do not try to keep score as far as how many times your husband has sex with you and how many times he has sex with his other wife. If he is telling you how many times he has sex with her, please ask him to stop; that is private information between a husband and wife.

    Don’t assume that he gives his other wife more attention than he gives you. Keep being the wife you are supposed to be and make sure your marriage is peaceful and successful.

    Find your own happiness, don’t look to your husband to give it to you. It’s not his responsibility.

    I pray that everyone receives the maximum benefits of the last ten nights of Ramadan, In shaa’Allah.

  • Farah

    July 7, 2015

    Salaam All

    Wonderful post thank you Anna.
    I sometimes wish polygamy was easier in the world than the words
    I believe and trust Allah alot but at times my jealousy is really bad
    I haven’t been able to reply for a while as my husband kept my phone.
    It is really hard being a woman,working for them,seeing to the house and knowing all your efforts will be shared with another wife.
    My husband stays with me 20 days and sleeps with me 3 times and spends 10 days with the other one and i am sure he is giving more attaention there.
    I feel really down,i have spoken to him many times,he just says he gets tired here,that side he is more relaxed,no kids ,no work,so alot of rest time with his other wife.

    I consider myself a good wife,i respect and follow all his orders,i take care of our business,our house,our kids.Who takes care of me ?
    If a husband dont sexually give his wife then why be married when we are married for halal.

    Im sorry for my tone of anger just i feel very sad
    I am a strong believer but i feel i should just leave everything
    How much more should I remain unhappy.:(

  • Muhajirah

    July 7, 2015

    As salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barrakatuh,

    DschasakAllahu chairan Ana for your instructive reminder. I also was thinking about this wise thinking after the post from Amy (in july discussion) which way she think now, if her husband will get marry.
    May Allah her reward too!

    To think like that, can help a lot to make pain easier and not to be angry about the husband and his desicion, to marry an other wife again.
    To remember thats ALLAHs desicion in anything what happen to us in life, make the heart quiet and peaceful. Allahu akbar!

    We just have to rember each other, because shaitan want that we forget Allah and get in pain and be confused …

    Salam and peace to all my lovely sisters here

  • Alison

    July 7, 2015

    Ramadan Mubarak lovely ladies may we benefit from it ….thanks for the lovely reminder and putting us in check love that about you. Your posts uplifts and makes us realize we normal and its a process and not magic lol
    love you all and please let’s all increase ibada these last days

  • Mari2

    July 7, 2015

    Thank you for this post and reminder of how polygamy can be a gift. In my experience polygamy is a situation that can be both fulfilling and/or vexing. I am learning that polygamy is vexing when I bring myself, my wants, my earthly human emotional needs into the marriage. Likewise when I am in tune with the will of Allah, and accepting, polygamy then is more fulfilling and I am at peace. I will admit that I do vacillate. I let too many non islamic, cultural things knock me off my path to acceptance. Polygamy is a test but I am not afraid to admit my weaknesses and strive to learn from them. Polygamy to me is like walking down a straight path and suddenly encountering a fork in the road. I need to reflect and pray when the forks appear rather than choose a path based upon emotions. I’m learning. Baby steps.
    This Ramadan I really feel more connected to Allah and my marriage than years before. I am praying, fasting and really focusing on the quran. Today I felt the most overwhelming joy at having M in my life. I told M that I was so very happy that Allah put him in my life. It has been a test. But I thank Allah daily for this test.

  • anabellah

    July 6, 2015

    @Fatima,

    Wow, you all are in winter. LOL It so amazing how different is it on different parts of the planet. Keep yourself warm. We’re trying to stay cool where I be at LOL. I haven’t very much noticed the heat at all yet. Ramadan been really good, calm and peaceful for me. Alhumdulliah. Everything seems so nice and easy. I’m very grateful to Allah for it all. I’m trying to get as much as I can done in the home while it’s like this. It definitely feel like a special time, indeed.

    I’m glad to hear you like the post. I like writing them because I’m reminding myself and studying as I write. It’s really good for me. Insha Allah, some more topics will come to mind that really hit home with polygamy. It’s all good! Thanks you much though for letting me know the posts are helpful.

    Thank you for the information you shared with us, which is excellente. It’s funny you spoke of water when I’ve been thinking a lot about it. I love the water. It could be because of my birth sign as well – Cancer. My birthday is this month. It’s a water sign. I thank Allah soooo much for the rain/water when I get out the shower. I imagine what it would be like if I were to have to go to a lake or bath washing from a sink or something. I’m so glad I live in this era. We don’t know how good we have it. All you said about the water, drops and the ocean is as you said, “mind blowing.” Allah says that man is ungrateful. They don’t thank him for the rain or for giving them their faculties. I try to remember to thank Allah each salat for them as I don’t want to be of those who take it all for granted.

    I wrote the above quickly, so please forgive any errors. Thanks for the reminder of the “Night of Decree” and all the well wishing. Same to you, my dear Sister.

  • Fatima

    July 6, 2015

    Very well said
    I notice I have peace when I let it go and leave it up to Allah, it’s funny how you make the exact topic I need on ur posts at the right time, Thankyou and hope ur Ramadan is going good, we are in winter here in Aus so it’s cold but lucky us short days yayy lol, I think when we understand to true meaning of this life, and realise how it is only a drop in the ocean compared to the rest of our hereafter then we prioritise our life the correct way and make a investment for our hereafter, just like how bussiness men and celebrity’s plan make investments to achieve tgier success in this world but end up losing the hereafter we have to make our investment for the afterlife, when we pick up a cup of water look at it and think how many drops are in this cup then think if I can count how many drops and one drop counts as this test,this life then inagine the ocean, mind blowing…. Night of decree coming up lady’s goodluck on all ur prayers and duas and goodluck for the upcoming year to be determined xxxooooo Salams