Polygamous Marriages Lack Peace

polygamous marriages lack peace

Many polygamous marriages lack peace due to the wives lack of faith in Allah. There are so many unhappy women and men in polygamous marriages, and they don’t know why. In this article, I’ll take a look at women and why some of them have trouble in their marriages.

A common reason for the problems is that they don’t know their religion, Islam. It means to have the wrong belief in Islam, as well. If a woman believes that she is in control of all her affairs, she will never have peace in any marriage that she is in. It wouldn’t matter if it’s a polygamous or a monogamous one. Furthermore, if she believes men are in control of their affairs or all human beings are in control of their affairs, she most likely would blame others for her problems.

Many polygamous marriages lack peace because the spouses blame each other or others for what Allah has done

They believe that they and others have power along with Allah. It means they think that they make things happen, which includes that they choose their mates. On the contrary, Allah created our mates. He decreed who we will marry.

When a woman believes that she chose her mate and her mate chose to marry another woman, which makes him polygamous, she has given Allah partners. She  has said that she decides and her husband decides. They think they make decisions and share power with Allah. It’s an erroneous belief.

It is shirk (setting up partners with Allah or making something or someone his equal). Shirk is an unforgivable sin if the person doesn’t repent, and Allah doesn’t forgive the person before Allah seizes his or her soul. Those who Allah created are not His equal, nor are they His partners.

Many polygamous marriages lack peace when wives try to control their husbands

It includes when they try to control who their husbands marry, as well. A lot of times a woman is content with her husband, but as soon as he desires to marry another woman, she freaks out about it. She doesn’t like it and begin to rebel, causing problems in the marriage.

She fail to remember Allah. The wife doesn’t accept that Allah has allowed polygamy for men. Women don’t understand that Allah has placed a desire in many men for more than one wife. They don’t know that if the man marries another woman and becomes polygamous, it’s because Allah decreed it.

A woman does not know her problem is not with her husband or his potential other wife or the other wives. Her problem is with her Lord, who is Allah, who is God. It’s with her Creator. No one wants to hear someone say she lacks faith, but the truth is that she lacks it.

Many polygamous marriages lack peace when a wife is arrogant and haughty the same as Iblis (Satan) was

Usually, the wife who marries first thinks that she is superior to the wife who married her husband after she did. On the other hand, the wife who married the husband second thinks she is superior because the husband must have found something in her that the other wife lacked. Each wife tries to find reasons to make herself seem better than the other wife, and it’s wrong.

It’s common for a wife say to the husband’s other wife – he said he would divorce you, if I want him to. The fact is, “if” doesn’t matter. It’s the action that counts. Until or unless he leaves the other wife and makes it a reality, “If” is useless. It is not real.

Many polygamous marriages lack peace because the wives don’t deal with reality. What is real is that the wives are equal. Righteousness makes one wife better than the other. The person who is the most righteous is the most honorable one in the sight of Allah.

In conclusion, the wife should seek righteousness. She should make serving Allah most important to her, so that she could be the most honorable servant of Allah.  It’s a must, if she wants to enter Paradise.

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233 Comments

  • Gail

    December 6, 2015

    Sal,

    Welcome to the blog! I think the ladies gave u good solid advice.I would like to add are u ok if he takes up to 4 wives? Because that is a real possibility.Some women can deal a man having 2 wives but not 3 or 4.

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2015

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you very much for your wonderful post to sal. I know it took you a while to type it. It was very thoughtful and sweet of you to do. Much oblige! Insha Allah, it will benefit all of us.

  • ummof4

    December 6, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Sal, Welcome to this blog. Please continue reading and ask as many questions as you like. You have asked a lot of good questions.

    My first bit of advice would be that you and your father continue to know and investigate the prospective husband and let the prospective husband get to know and investigate you. Since you are considering the marriage and did not give a hearty “NO” to the proposal, it means you are interested in him as a husband. After getting to know more about him as a person and him getting to know more about you as a person, decide if you want to marry him or not.

    As Ana has stated, no one knows what they will do until they are actually in the situation. However, there are some qualities of Muslims who do well in polygynous marriages.
    The Wife: She understands that everything that happens is from Allah.
    She is not overly possessive of her husband, nor does she believe that she should control him.
    She realizes that her husband belongs to Allah, not to her. She also realizes that she belongs to Allah.
    She does not see her husband as perfect or worship him.
    She is a whole person without her husband and does not need him to complete her.
    She spends her whole life seeking the blessings of Allah, and views her husband as one of her many blessings.
    She studies Islam and lives this life in preparation for the next life.
    She understands that polygyny is not supposed about wives competing with each other, and truly lives her life that way.
    She understands that her husband will love his other wife, spend time with his other wife, have sex with his other wife, spend money on his other wife, have children with his other wife, the same as he does with her.
    She does not interfere with his other marriage.
    She never speaks badly about his other wife or try ot cause her any type of harm.

    The husband:
    He understands that he and his wives belong to Allah and will return to Allah.
    He studies Islam and lives it to the best of his ability.
    He understands that there will be times when each wive may feel jealous, or feel inferior or superior to the other wife and he does not ignore her feelings, but acknowledges them and helps her work through her issues.
    He treats all of his wives with love and respect.
    Even though he may love one wife more than the other, he does not show it in a way to make the other wife jealous.
    He fulfills his duties to all of his wives. This includes everything from financial to sexual according to Islaam.
    He works out a schedule of time with his wives and families that is reasonable for everyone involved.
    He does not neglect his children from any marriage.
    He understands that each wife is a different person, and he has to juggle the different personalities.
    He does not view his wives as his possessions or his harem, but as his life partners, striving for jannah together.

    So think about these things before you concern yourself with his other wife. Answering these questions and posing them to your potential husband will give both of you something to think about.

    Everyone have a blessed day striving to earn the mercy of Allah.

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2015

    Arzoo,

    Thank you sooo much for letting me know you like the post. It means a lot to me

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2015

    @Everyone, I went back and cleaned up the last post. I wrote it quickly and saw I had made some mistakes like not finishing a sentence etc. LOL

    sal,

    You said she’s wonderful and Egyptian (probably gorgeous), so why would he want another wife. What she is has nothing to do with it. He has a desire for another wife, which is sufficient in itself. He’s acting on his desire. There most likely is nothing wrong with her.

    Many men who want another wife usually tell the potential wife that the other wife equates to a piece of sh!t. It’s to make a potential wife feel special. He does it in an effort to persuade a woman to marry him (a married man). It’s to make her think that she has something the wife doesn’t. It’s to make his current wife seem lacking, giving him a reason for another. Fortunately, your potential husband hasn’t done such an awful thing.

    You won’t be replacing his wife or making up for something she lacks. He simply wants another wife. Allah allows it for men. It’s all one needs to know. It only hurts the women and the men when the men belittle and minimizes the importance of another wife. It does no one any good.

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2015

    Sal,

    With regard to how it would work. There is no set rules and regulations for it. Muslims/Believers are fair and just in all their affairs and dealings with people. A polygamous marriage is no exception.

    You, she and he would determine what would work best for you. You’d make your intend and try to live it. Some women alternate days. Some have a three day alternating schedule or four. Some see the husband twice a year for a couple month while the other wife is with him the remainder of the time. It depends on what you come up with.

    Here’s an easy way to answer the question you asked about whether she could contact him on your day, if she misses him. Most women who love their husband misses him. She may miss him all day. Imagine being married to the man who has another wife. Imagine she’s missing him to the point she’s calling him every night that it’s your night with him. She’s texting him, emailing him and calling him. How do you think you’d react? It happens. Women have complained about it here. You’d want her to respect your time with him the same as she would want her time respected. He has all day, everyday to call, text, email etc the other wife. Absence makes the heart grown founder. You could save up all your missing for when he gets with you.

    Emergencies are just that EMERGENCIES. It’s expected that love ones will drop all that they are doing and respond to a love one who is in an emergency situation. It goes without saying that he should respond to an emergency. Some wome are strong enough and have a support system in place that if it’s not a matter of life, limb or eyesight, she handles it. There was a woman here who said she can’t do anything without her husband. She needs him for everything. There are women who will try to make life difficult for her husband or the other wife or for both.

    About holidays, again you figure it out. Some work it where by whomever day the holiday falls on, it’s her day. Muslims only have two holidays – the two EID. If they’ve gotten used to celebrating other holidays and continue, they suffer if the holiday falls on the others day. The best way to deal with it is to try to accept Allah’s decision and not concern oneself with holidays. See it as just another day.

    There shouldn’t be an issue in determining whose bed he should go to because the wives should each have their own home. He’d go to the house/bed of the woman whose turn it is. All of you determine whether you go to the functions/affairs together or not.

    How do you deal with him coming from the other house after he’s just left the other wife? You have to find a way to come to terms with it. “Weird” or “awkward” are understated words.

    Your questions aren’t silly or absurd. You’re trying to make an educated decision.

  • Arzoo

    December 6, 2015

    Ana, This is your best comment i read on your website so far. Great advice!

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2015

    @Sal, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome. It’s nice to have you here with us 🙂

    I will try to help you as best I can and, Insha Allah, others here will, as well. You said, “I’d NEVER want to ever ever ever hurt another woman.” If you truly feel that way and it’s not just hot air coming from your mouth, then don’t marry him. She will be hurt regardless of what she, he, or anyone else says differently. You only have to imagine yourself in her shoes. Imagine being married to him with two children. How would you like hearing the words come from your husband’s mouth that he wants to marry another? How would like that suddenly you will only be with your husband half the time? How would you feel knowing he’s loving and taking care of someone else? How would you feel knowing he will most likely have children with her as well. It wouldn’t feel good, would it?

    He says his wife is okay with it (marrying you). She may be TRYING to be okay with it since he did let her know before her marriage to him that he may become polygamous. Even if she is okay with it, she doesn’t know how she will feel if it actually happens. Anyone could say she’d be okay with something when it’s not reality. No one knows how they’d be in a particular situation until the person is actually in it. She will go through a thing once she is in it and you will, as well. It won’t be easy.

    Now, if you really like this guy; you are Muslim and believe that Allah has allowed polygamy for men and you’d like to be his wife then there is nothing wrong with you marrying him. If you are as “terrified” as you said that she will hurt inside if the marriage take place, as you said you are, as I said, don’t marry him. She is human. Of course she will hurt. It doesn’t matter how “wonderful” she is.

  • sal

    December 6, 2015

    Salaam sisters

    I searched for a site like this to ask regarding your experience on polygamous marriage.

    Ive never been married before, have been career minded until about 2weeks ago was approached by a man who offered for me. He was very respectful and went straight away to meet dad. He was very upfront that he’s got a wife and 2 kids already. Imagine my shock!! TBH in this side of my world polygamy isnt that widely practiced. Actually its very rare i meet ppl whos in polygamous marriage and in my line of work i meet a lot of ppl. So i have no basis to refer to.

    Please help.

    Im now contemplating a polygamous marriage as a 2nd wife…….and it scares me so much for these reasons:

    1) I’d NEVER want to ever ever ever hurt another woman. He keeps saying that his first wife is “OK” about it. That they’ve discussed it right before he married her. And the way he talks about her she is a WONDERFUL woman. She sounds so kind hearted, loving,…a paragon! Just listening about her from him makes ME fall in love with her as a sister. And shes egyptian. Egyptian ladies are gorgeous. Everyone knows that 😛 so why else would he want another wife?
    And im terrified shes actually hurting inside if the marriage does take place.

    2) for the life of me i cant picture it. Whats going to happen after the marriage? Is it like 1 week with one wife, the next week with another? How about if u miss your husband? Can still contact via phone/msg etc? Or if theres a family emergencies and its the other wife’s time with him? U can’t intrude right? How do u act if u know he just came from the other wife’s place? Is it weird or awkward? How about holidays? Do u go together as a family? CAN u go together?i wont mind…..but Wouldnt it be an issue when its time to decide whos in which bedroom O_O

    Im really sorry if my questions seem silly or absurd :'( but these are genuine questions and i really need input from u ladies.

    Please help :'(

  • ummof4

    May 19, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum Ina,

    My husband always laid down the ground rules before he married anyone. One of those ground rules is that no wife disrespect or badmouth the other in word or deed. Also that he would not badmouth one wife to another.
    So I think what helped was setting the ground rules.
    Also, through my life experience and through this blog I have learned that there is a difference between marriages where there was no sexual contact before marriage and marriages in which there was sexual contact before marriage. The sexual contact could be through emails, phone conversations, texts, facebook, or actual physical contact. The physical contact could be hugging, kissing, fondling, holding hands, oral sex, fingering a vagina, touching or kissing a penis, or actual sexual intercourse. Once the sexual contact happens, the lust increases, and both the man and the woman feel that sexual connection that is difficult to control and even more difficult to stop. So even if the woman or the man does evil acts to their spouse or to the spouse’s other wife, the sexual relationship is more important than peace. Shaytan takes advantage of our lusts and we often fall victim to our desires. Face it, as humans, we love sex!

    So to answer your question, my husband did not have physical contact with his wives before marriage. There was always a mahram(male chaperone) present until they married. And I don’t believe they had cybersex either (and Allah knows best). Also, my husband is a no-nonsense sort of guy and always has been, so the rules apply to all his wives, me included.

    Hypothetically speaking, if my husband did not divorce the young wife who disrespected me and called me names, I would do several things. First, I would seek refuge from Shaytan from my own anger. Next, I would make du’ah for everyone concerned. I would have already blocked any correspondence from the other wife as soon as I received the nasty email. You only get to attempt to insult me once. The third thing that I would do is try to get my husband an appointment with a Muslim psychiatrist, because he would be acting as if he had mental problems.

    Everyone have a nice day, In shaa’Allah.

  • Ina

    May 19, 2015

    Waalaikumsalam Ummof4,

    Much respect to you and your husband in showing us how polygamy can work. Proving it’s not polygamy that is the problem but the people in them who creates the problems. I just don’t know how I can get over the pain and hurt of the past and knowing that hubby want to remain with someone who has done what co-wife has done to me for the past year. How would you feel or what would you do if your husband did not divorce the young wife who disrespected you?

  • anabellah

    May 18, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Good Day & Good Night Everyone,

    @ummof4,

    You’ve got a good life, Sis. Alhumdulliah! I pray you’re racking up mega barakats in the volunteer work. Thanks for sharing about your life as a wife in a polygamous marriage

  • ummof4

    May 18, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Majnoom, I have always spent a lot of time with my husband. I am a hands on, very involved mother, but my children have never been more important to me than my husband or my marriage. Although I am a very involved mother, I am not busy with my grandchildren. I have always volunteered full-time and continue to do so.

    My husband and I spend more time together because we have an empty nest now. We are really like we were 40 years ago before we had any children, in every aspect of our marriage.

    My husband being married to other wives has always been a minor struggle with me. Rearing 4 Muslim children in the US is a much more difficult struggle. Through the years I did get upset with him, it usually had nothing to do with his other wife, just him and me, or him and me and our children.

    I have always been friendly with my husband’s other wives, but we were never best friends or very close. I have made sure not to be in their marriage, and my husband does not discuss their problems with me. When he divorced his first other wife after 14 years of marriage, I still don’t know why they divorced.

    Once he did marry a wife who was much younger than both of us. When she started talking badly about me to him and started disrespecting me through emails, he divorced her. That’s one of his ground rules, don’t talk badly about the other wife or do anything to hurt her.

    Allahu Akbar!

  • majnoom

    May 17, 2015

    Ummah of 4 sister do you spend .any time hubby now your kids grown up or u to busy grand kids that you not bothered

  • majnoom

    May 16, 2015

    Firstly divorce issue not a lie mediators called several times by her family and her to divorce me for marrying her he never told me himself the whole community new bring mediators put pressure on as man secondly a women is not able to share herself with anyone else else so what she meant to do I get your points you you’re of nor in poligomous though so you can’t get what in feeling. Can you

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @majoom,

    How do you know she tells him all the time to divorce you? Did she tell you that she tells him it? I assume he tells you that she says it? Why tell you? It doesn’t make you like her any better. It doesn’t make you like him any better. It doesn’t make you like your life any better. No good comes from him telling you such a thing. The only thing I can think of is that he tells you it because he is considering doing what she suggested.

    If you continue to complain all the time about how bad your life has become, he very well may end up divorcing you. A man does not want to be with a wife who is constantly complaining about how bad her life is and make him feel the cause of it. If he begins to feel there is no way at all he could make you happy, he may just divorce you. Why stay and watch it and be a part of it? It doesn’t make him feel good about himself.

    You ask if you go astray, would he be at fault. No. It would be your own fault. You are accountable for yourself and what you do. If he wrongs you in anyway, he wrongs his own soul. He will be accountable for the wrong he has done to you. You, however, would be accountable for your own self it you go astray.

    You said you weren’t jealous before. Well, you had no reason to be. You weren’t in a polygamous marriage before. When a woman is in a polygamous marriage she experiences strong negative emotions that she may not have had before or they are magnified. The feelings are what is known as diseases in the heart. You could either wallow in those feeling, continue to be sick, and let the feelings consume you or work on subduing those negative feelings.

    If you spend your days wondering whether he will like her cooking more, or her sex more, or her knowledge more or anything more than you or what you have etc, you’re setting yourself up to be very worried and depressed. I don’t know if you have heard anything I’ve written. In a sense it seems it’s all going in one ear and out the other. What more can I say. You are different than she is. Don’t concern yourself about what she does and what she is like. She is not you and you are not her. You both are entirely different people. Who knows what he likes about her. He could like things about her that are different than you and like things about you that are different than her. It doesn’t matter. A husband should like things about his wives. People are all different.

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @majnoom,

    I don’t know why men marry other women and then complain to the other wives about them. They could do it for a number of reasons. A husband may know his wife is having a very difficult time accepting his other marriage and he wants to make her feel better about it. He may think she will feel better if he badmouths the other wife. He knows if he says to the one wife that he is happy and loves his other wife, the one wife would be very upset and want to fight and argue with him. He could tell the one wife what he thinks is best to avoid a confrontation. Do you ask him questions or he just starts yapping to you about her?

    On the other hand, he may be having some problems in his other marriage and he vents to the other wife about those problems. No marriage is problem free. People will have altercations in marriages. They will have difference that will cause problems. You had your share of problems and argument in your marriage, why wouldn’t she, especially since their marriage is fairly new and there are adjustments that they need to make?

    As I stated before, some men may have bitten off more than they can chew. They think they could handle two marriages with ease and that it would be blissful. When reality sets in, they realize things aren’t as they expected. Does it mean he should end the marriage and go back to his other wife? I don’t think so. The men have gone into the women. They made a commitment to each other. Marriage is not like dating. It not a case where you realize there isn’t much you like about the person or something you don’t want to deal with and you leave her to go off to the next one. Marriage is a serious commitment that two people make.

    There is a strong likelihood that the same way your husband comes to you and badmouth her, he badmouths you to her, as well. He could tell her things he doesn’t like about you. He could tell her that he only stays with you because of the children or say you wouldn’t be able to find anyone else, if he divorces you or say that you need his help and can’t be without him. It’s what many men do. They tell each wife what he thinks each wife wants to hear to make life easier for himself and to make the wife feel better about being in a polygamous marriage.

    If I were you, I’d tell him not to talk to me about his other marriage. Quash that. Tell him that you don’t want to hear it, unless you do.

  • majnoom

    May 15, 2015

    Sister he said the me that how do u know that I am happy I am very gullable and honest and think I f I do something Allah displeased with me sis I have had separation taweez done on us several times that have split us up so many times but I’m not able to understand if you truly love someone why marry a co then say I hate my life he is their because his mums family there she is also pestering him about property all the time I was never interests in wealth just him his companion ship I don’t want to be left alone in my old age sh e is always tells ng him to divorce me a feel my time and efforts will be waste in vain I don’t want my children to suffer he’s self employed he can do what he does here but havemother strong hold he keeps saying to know h stuck now their was never jealousy in me but its happening now because I feel like a baby sitter taken for granted I don’t want anything more just what is my right I don’t think he loves her his mother had a strong hold on him before he would never come down our end before marrying this girl its like he is escaping at work all day to keep away from her but he can’t admit it that he was wrong also women calls up her family every five minutes she don’t get her way my family disowned me for taking him back my mother supports me I’m struggling alone if a sister falls astray Annabelle for because her husband is not keeping a
    Chaste is itnot the husband at fault then . I guess if thewomen had such a strong hold she would not let him see me for that one day don’t u think I’m worried he will get used to her her cooking household skills better than mine back home style I am good everything else but not this I don’t know if he’s pretending to be with me because you would not support someone that financially then if you did not care also he said to me that I don’t want someone else taking advantage of you I just to figure did he stop me from marrying ag
    In because he could not bear to b
    Hurt or he did not want me to move on I cannot bear lies

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2015

    @majoom,

    I do understand what you are going through. I know you are in a lot of pain. I feel for you.

    I am not saying that the other woman is a good, nice person. I’m not saying any of it. Some women here on this blog have co-wives who are monstrosities. The aggravating, annoying person could drive the other wife crazy if the other wife lets her. Some co-wives are some devious, manipulative, wretched people. What can you do about it though? It is who they are and what they do for the time being. Insha Allah, one day they will change, if Allah wants good for them. They certainly can’t enter Jannah/Paradise with the dark hearts that they now have. There is nothing you can do to change your husband or his other wife.

    Just like women find themselves in polygamy and don’t want to be, men, too, find themselves in polygamy, and don’t want to be. Some find they bit off more than they can chew. The same as some women find they can’t leave the situation. The men are the same. They, too, feel they are stuck and can’t leave the situation. If Allah places a person in a situation, there is no getting out unless He decides and when. To understand it one must get with the Quran and learn life’s lessons that are in the Holy Quran. Allah tells us about life, what happens with people and why etc. Everything we need to know about life is in the Holy Quran.

    I get that your husband comes to you when he is worn out, tired and has no energy left. Some wives work the husband over that way so he has nothing left to give to the other wife. Is it right to do? Well, what can the wife who is deprived do about it? It could all be a test.

    Tests are not easy to pass. It’s difficult for some people to pray, persevere and be patient. Allah says seek His help with patience, perseverance and prayer and it is difficult except for those who are humbly submissive to Allah. Life is not easy. It wasn’t meant to be. We could have peace and contentment in it, but we have to do right by Allah FIRST.

    I suppose your husband is hitting the prayer rug hard these days because he’s got a lot on his plate. Polygamy is no picnic or walk in the park for the man or the woman. Many a husband probably wonders what the other wife is doing when he isn’t with her. It sounds to me in your case that the other wife have been planting some negative seeds in your husband’s head about what you are doing when he isn’t with you, which has caused him to suspect you of committing adultery. Don’t worry. People reap what they sow. She will pay for all the evil she does. Allah sees and knows all things. It will backfire on her. She will get her due.

    Don’t think I don’t get you. I hear you loudly and clearly and I understand. We could recognize what is occurring, but you have to ask yourself what you can do about it.

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2015

    majoom,

    I’m married to my husband for 13 years this Memorial Day Weekend (2015). I am not a 2nd, 3r or 4th wife. My husband and I have no children. Neither of us have any biological children. He and I never wanted to have any children.

    I used to talk about my marriage and life as though it was an open book for all to read for 5 and 1/2 years. I don’t do it any longer as some people felt the need to reveal my true identity in cyberspace. So I moderate more and render advice. It was time I spoke less about me and more about others anyhow. It was Allah’s decision, as is all things 🙂

  • majnoom

    May 14, 2015

    Sis you still not getting me he came back now why do you think if you closed the book to hurt me intentionally why after issuing a divorce would you come back to first he said if I was happy with her I would never come back to you she was the only divorcee in the area we get it you in favour pologomy we ain’t against it but I can’t even call it that its like child contact in a home we have relations but even up to that day she’s done with him so yes tired are you second or first with kids I never said bad word she is always trying to malign me saying latest addition is not his also he doubting again thinking I cheat on him when run around kids alday people dress up for husband he says no point we RR getting old he caused me so much hurt Anna that I pray that god gives him the same hurt ten fold for playing emotional games Allah created pologomy not like this and you know another you were saying that Allah set sent him such a horrible because he did not serve him well he has started praying regularly never used to do that before he works very long hours hates missing work

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2015

    @majnoom,

    More and more each day I begin to see more clearly what the problems are associated with the PEOPLE who are in polygamous marriages. Polygamy is not the problem. It’s the people.

    majnoom, say for instance your marriage was MONOGAMOUS. It was just you, your husband and the children. Say your husband were to meet this other woman who he clearly wants to be with. What would he do, if MONOGAMOUS? He would either divorce you and marry the other woman or keep you as a wife and have her as a mistress. It’s what normally happens in a MONOGAMOUS marriage when a husband wants to be with another woman.

    Now, say for instance, your husband is married to you and Monogamous. He meets this other woman whom he clearly wants to be with. He could either divorce you and marry her or stay married to you and (instead of having a mistress) he weds her and give her the title of wife.

    The only difference between the monogamous marriage and the polygamous marriage is that in the monogamous situation the other woman is called “mistress” and in the polygamous situation, the other woman is called “wife”.

    Polygamy is not the issue. Your conditions could exist even if you were in a monogamous marriage.

    When people don’t like what is happening in their monogamous marriage, what do they do? They either live with it or get a divorce.

    If they don’t agree on the terms of the divorce or if one party won’t give the other a divorce, what do they do? They go to court and fight it out before a judge and the judge decides the matter – the judge decides to grant the divorce and what the alimony and child support would be.

    It’s the same with a polygamous marriage. People are making polygamy a monumental issue when it is not. Marriage is marriage. In a polygamous marriage the man has more than one marriage that he must concern himself with. He has more than one marriage he has to deal with. It’s the same as if he was monogamous with a mistress who has his kids. There is no difference. No one complains about the man who is monogamous and has a mistress, except in a country with a large population of Muslims who follow shariah law.

    majnoom, think of your marriage as monogamous and your husband has a mistress what would you do now? The only difference between him and it is that the other woman is called wife. Polygamy is not the problem.

  • majnoom

    May 14, 2015

    Pologomy is meant to protect wom n and children in my case I’ve to protect myself and children live alone with my children while he marrys a divorceee and produces new children he supports me financially and he says he does not give the other one anything I don’t believe him and whether he does or doesent its none of my business I just want my kids to spend time with their father he comes buys kids takeaway and toys waits back from school and it works exactly 24 hours he spend he commutes takes him hour and forty minutes to get here one way he told me not to have any more kids while the other one pregnant already youngest 6 months he told me he told me not to move back to his city as it won’t change anything with time because he said both be competing for him I think its because the ootherbone is so possessive he does not want her family Orher to harras himm

  • majnoom

    May 14, 2015

    Salam sisters thanks for the advice can I just plz clarify something that my hubby gave me a divorce and took it back two weeks before marrying the new wife only I did not know as he kept saying that I was still married to him but in the community I was divorced anyway my hubby texted me the morning after he had spent the night with his new wife that his old marriage could not match up to his new one he kept texting me hurt by everything he said that he missed his kids kept dragging me to courts for kids I said to judge he could see them whenever he liked but I asked him why do you keep saying were married any way I told my mumtime to move on he said to me that I could not as he had not freed me prior to all this the new women in question was messaged by my family not to tie the knot till I was free she sent a message to my family saying that she did not care that he was already married and she wasn’t waiting anyway he sent me paper on wed married on Sunday when I said I’m going to marry he said I could not as I was not free I would have to make my kids homeless live on the streets and give up my gold if I wanted freedom prior to marrying this girl even though he iniated divorce not me divorce was never mentioned yes we had problems but problems were caused by his family he neither

  • Gail

    May 4, 2015

    majnoom,
    I am sorry u r having such a horrible time in your polygamy situation.I think more than your cowife it is your husband fault as he is letting her call the shots and run everyones lives.I don’t know what country u live in and what ethnicity u r but normally wives can get divorces from husbands in most countries.If u can’t find a way to live in peace in this situation then I think u must get out.I notice u said why did the other woman marry your husband and treat u badly telling him to divorce u when her 1st husband cheated on her with a white woman.I would say her 1st marriage made her bitter and she really don’t care about u and her feelings and she sees all men as cheaters.I think that is why she keeps your husband on such a short leash.I really doubt she is going to change her attitude this late in the game to be frank.
    I see it like this if he has told u to remarry and move on if u like then i think u should consider doing just that.U r not getting any of your needs met and that is just not right.If u don’t feel u can or u don’t want to move on then take your focus off your husband and cowife and raise your kids and enjoy your life as a single mom basically.I know for me personally I would need much more out of a marriage than 1 day a week thats just NUTS!
    Please see your kids and don’t get caught up in the drama and keep making yourself mental.There are a million fish/men in the see and u deserve someone that cares about u.

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2015

    @Ina,

    I know you have already explained to us what has been happening between your husband and your co based on what you know. I understand. I answered Ruqayyah’s question, which doesn’t exactly address that he and she have been communicating and you do not know the exact status of their marriage and what their intentions are. I just don’t want you to think I didn’t hear and understand you. I did.

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2015

    People need to understand that the people in a polygamous marriages make polygamy what it is. The problem is with the people. Polygamy as an institution is good. Polygamy isn’t the problem; people are the problem.

    One difference between a man in a monogamous marriage who has a girlfriend/mistress and a man in a polygamous marriage who has a wife is the title. One gets called a girlfriend/mistress and another is called a wife.

    When the wife of a monogamous man deals with problems she has with the husband and his girlfriend/mistress, she doesn’t say monogamy is bad. Yet, people want to immediately say polygamy is bad when the wife has problems with her husband and his other “wife”.

    The problem is people dealing with people

    Polygamy is monogamy, but the man has more than one wife to deal with.

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2015

    @majnoom

    About the other wife, she certainly does not sound to be a very nice person. She doesn’t seem to care about justice. She doesn’t seem to care about a sister-in-faith. It sounds she doesn’t really care about anyone or anything but herself. What can we say?

    There are many people out there like her and worse. What you need to consider is that your husband went, got and married the not very nice woman. He loves her. He apparently tries to gives her what she wants and needs. She wants him to divorce you because she only cares about her wants, and needs – what she desires. It’s not unusual. Most people care mainly or only about themselves unless they are believers. Your husband wants this woman. He married her. He divorce you once at her request and then took you back.

    A woman could sit around and talk all day and night about how mean spirited, nasty, and skanky a co-wife is, but what does it resolve? If she is, she is… The husband for whatever reason likes it. He likes, nasty, skanky, mean and more. If he doesn’t, perhaps Allah cursed the person for not serving him and gave him the person.

    You need to turn to Allah to get some answers as to how to proceed. Are there any friends or family nearby who you could talk with and maybe help you make some plans to move on? If you want to talk some more, we’re here for you.

    Allah says seek his help with patience, perseverance and prayer.

    “Allah has indeed heard (and accepted) the statement of the woman who pleads with thee concerning her husband and carries her complaint (in prayer) to Allah: and Allah (always) hears the arguments between both sides among you: for Allah hears and sees (all things).” Quran: Surah 58, Ayah 1

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2015

    @majnoom,

    If you have read any of my posts, you’d know I try to help women who are in polygamous marriages and they don’t particularly want to be. For whatever reason, they are willing to remain in the marriage, despite the pain and frustration they feel. They just want to stop hurting. They want the pain to go away. The majority of the women love their husbands and they have no doubt their husbands love them. The major problem the wives find is within themselves with the negative emotions they feel such as jealousy, envy, hatred, selfishness, etc. Those are the people I try to reach. Many want to simply accept EVERYTHING in the Holy Quran. They don’t want to stand in the way of what Allah says men may do – become polygamous. Allah says we must accept EVERYTHING in the Holy Quran if we want to enter Jannah/Paradise. He says we must submit our whole selves to Him.

    In your situation, I’m not really feeling all of the above. If I understand correctly what you wrote, your husband said he will divorce you because he knows you are unhappy. He said he will try more to be equal, but he has not. He sees that you are hurting and are in so much pain and he is willing to give you a divorce. It says something. He cares enough for you to not want you to hurt any longer. He is willing to set you free. He has said you should marry someone else. He is also saying, without verbally saying it, he will continue to do what he is doing.

    You need to make your intent to leave the marriage or not. No one can make the decision for you. He has given you a way out. He must feel in his heart that he does not want things to be different than they are and he cannot make things better for you.

    We can’t change people. People can only make their intention to change and make effort. A person with belief will turn to Allah and ask Him to change him or her. No one can make a person be just. Your husband seems to feel and think he cannot be just even though he may wish he could. No one expects you to live with the injustice.

    Allah tells us all to be just to everyone, unless the person fights us for our faith. A man who has faith and fear Allah will be as just as he can. Even if he has no faith and doesn’t fear Allah, but the wife does, Allah will cause the man to be just to her. It all works out. In your situation, you want him to be a certain way and there is nothing wrong with what you want and expect. I just doesn’t appear that he can give you what you want and need and you are within your right to leave the marriage. If it’s Allah’s will it will happen.

    To be continued…

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2015

    @majnoom, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m glad Allah guided you here to this site. I will try to help you as best I can.

    First, I must say that for you to be thinking of suicide, you must be extremely depressed. I could certainly understand why. You must stop all thoughts of suicide because Allah tells us not to kill ourselves. You are guaranteed to enter the Hell Fire on the Day of Judgement if you kill yourself. There is no and, or, ifs about it.

    Those ignorant suicide bombers who think they are going to get several maidens in Jannah/Paradise are in for a rude awakening when they find themselves in the Hell Fire. It’s where they are going. So, you need to snap out of it.

    Pray to Allah to remove the thought from your mind. Get some counseling, if you think it may help you. Go online to seek some help (put in google “thoughts of suicide” for instance), if need be. Do whatever, but DON’T KILL YOURSELF. If you think your life is hell now, the real Hell is far worse…

    To be continued…

  • majnoom

    May 3, 2015

    Salam sisters I have been reading the blog very y I’m informative I am pologomous marriage first wife my husband married again and on the new wif e saying the issue me with a divorce for no reason I have three kids she had non at the time then after he 2 weeks he had taken the divorcte back BT is did in t know then anyway he married he then after so many month revealed we still husband wife otherwise use would have stopp d weed ng anyway he had not told her UE had takenme back so when she found out I was already pregnant she was still telling him to divorce me or El’se anyway she finally got preggers five months after me the problem now is their is no time for me at all he comes for one day sees the kids and that’s it I have no to time with him apart from Finance everything is on my head I feel alone in this relation its been two years and he keeps making lie after lie saying he will do equal time my kids need see their father but nothing he does not understand my pain he spends every night with her even be fore coming to me which leaves him with not wanting it with me she got pregnant again her child not six months yet and me younger than her nothing Allah said pologomy halal but if you get co like mine who is breathe nh the word divorce to my hubby every five minutes it makes me feel better and insecure my husband said loves me otherwise he would not be coming down but my needs not be n met their is a distanc e issue I said I move closer but he says d not to uproot kids and it would not change anything so technically I have no options he refused to divorce but fore now he saying you not happy you can marry someone else whethe mean it or not I compromis four lives for her she went through same time he ng past her ex was cheating on her with white girl she put up for eighteen years till I child grew up then day vorced her hubby why would you put me through this if you felt this befor e why would you hurt me she knew my hubby married so why go ahead I will Ben messaged her she did not care because my hubby and as Willing to divorce me for her she not prettier she’s older uneducated what am looking supposed to do he won’t address probs she’s done everything’s ng to make my life a misery Annabelle u said that first wives they have it better I have nothing are u a first or second I v prayed done everything no changed I’m hurting so badly its draft ving me to suicide what’s point having hubby u have do not everything you’re of he says he s am ays at work anyway my days night are alone I would never do this to another sister I have done a lot of pati ice but don’t know if he scared or oth r issue that’s giving me equal tim e he said to me how do you know I’m happy I gathered if you gave ng kids u got to be here say can’t leave her or me theirs no attraction but he’s marri d her so will have to start ck to it

  • anabellah

    February 11, 2015

    THIS POST/THREAD IS CLOSED FOR COMMENTS. Please do not leave anymore comments on this thread/post.

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    This “No Peace in Polygamous Marriages”, thread has over 200 comments now. I kindly ask everyone to please comment under the February 2015 thread or one of the other threads that relates to what you have to say.

    The thread for February is https://www.polygamy411.com/february-2015-discussions/

    Thank you very much!

  • Lynn

    February 11, 2015

    Assalammualaikum everyone 🙂

    Yes Ana – at that time I could only described it as that – the mother of all pains. It beats labour pain or anything worst you can imagine. Death was the best at that point of time. Only Allah knows how it feels.

    The husband can never understand. Polygamy is permissible and there is nothing illegal in the “eyes” of Allah – that’s all they can every say. Nothing more comforting! Take it or leave it *sigh*

    Obviously i took it and will take it even further insyaAllah

  • Gail

    February 10, 2015

    Sara,
    Thank u for opening up to us your situation makes alot more sense now that we r aware of the situation.I totally agree with Ana and the other ladies.U obviously know u don’t want her living with u in the future so separate dwellings.Listen if u know for a fact she was behind your husband divorcing u then there is a pretty good chance she is not going to divorce her husband now that u r back in the picture.Sounds to me she is not into Polygamy or u and just wants the man.
    Your right things r not adding up on her side at all and u better for your own mental health not mix up with him and her and all that mess.
    Don’t agree to any promises.It is better to tell your husband straight that he can have polygamy but do not ask u to give up your right to move on down the road providing u can’t handle this huge cluster F@#k he has created with little Miss Adultery.

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2015

    @Lynn, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I remember vividly the days that you revisted as though it was just yesterday. You said it was the “mother of all pains”. I will never forget it. What an accurate description you gave. You captured the experience in words.

    Once a woman goes through it while keeping her focus on Allah, she comes out stronger than an oak tree. Life takes on a whole new meaning. We can go through anything and come out on top, victorious. It’s beautiful! 🙂 The key is to focus on Allah and what He says and tells us to do and do it. It’s the only way to come out a winner – triumphant.

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2015

    @Sara,

    Some of what I’m about to say may be repetitious of what you, others and I have already said, so excuse me for it. I suggest you try as best you can not to get mixed up anymore than you are already in their convoluted mess – it makes no sense, this one wanting you to promise that and that one wanting the other to promise this and back and forth.

    To help make your life as simple as possible, you should tell him that when he and she are ACTUALLY READY to go forward with the marriage (she’s got her divorce and they’ve got the date for their marriage), let you know so you and he could talk about the schedule and finances. Till then you don’t want to know what they’re doing and what their problems are.

    Furthermore tell him that polygamy is permitted for men and he should make his intent about whether he’s going to do it or not, without bothering you with it. He has let you know what he wants to do and now the rest is on him. Don’t let him pressure you to figure out his and her problems. First wives don’t have to give permission and it’s wrong to ask a wife’s PERMISSION. Allah has given permission already.

    Who knows how long he and she are going to carry on with what they are involved in. It could be YEARS. She may have no intention of divorcing her husband and no intention of ending it with your husband. The two of them are playing with each other and themselves, and are getting you all up in the mix.

    You’d be foolish to promise him that you’d never leave him. How are you suppose to know what will happen tomorrow or how you will feel. Do you mean to tell me that you are supposed to promise him that you’d never leave him and if Allah removes the love from your heart for your husband, you can’t stand the sight of him and don’t want him to touch you, you must remain married to him to keep a promise? It’s a crazy thing to do and I don’t think you’re crazy.

  • Sara

    February 9, 2015

    Thanks Marie and Ana for your post 🙂
    Yes I wanted to be more open to get better advice…I feel trapped because she’s lurking around…and he’s allowing her to…I’m so annoyed that she’s married cuz I really don’t believe she’s separated but only God knows…how can u live in the same house as ur husband and b separated?
    I keep telling him I’m not giving guarantees…i will not b put in a trap and guarantee then she actually divorces and I’m not happy and I leave…then everyone blames me…I can give it a try and c how it goes…that’s all y pressure me…I don’t like this women because I don’t like the way she’s keeping both trying to b smart…until she gets a guarantee…I keep saying if this woman is really honest then she should at least divorce and give it a try…if she’s not happy then live alone….
    I’m trying not to judge but I judge what I see…I’m not happy my husband is continuing this and not outing an end to it….I keep telling him the only way I might guarantee I’ll stay is if u leave her if she doesn’t divorce…he doesn’t want to give me that assurance…
    So we keep going round and round….sometimes I feel like telling her husband or calling her up then I say I won’t lower myself to that extent…
    God knows what’s in my heart…he knows how I feel…I don’t believe he will let me down…because my intentions are good…he says his intentions are good too but I’m complicating everything….I really don’t think I am….who in Te world would sit in a marriage knowing her husband is having an affair and not do anything….just because he says he has good intentions…
    U c y I have anger….I don’t want to lose my family…I’m trying hard to keep it together….smile next to my kids….I pray everyday that God shows me the correct road to go…

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2015

    I agree with all that Marie said. She said it all. Her posts were excellent!

  • Marie

    February 9, 2015

    Sara, one more thing. You said your husband wants to be more religious. The first thing he needs to learn is Allah decides all things. He may end up with 1, 2 or 0 wives. No one knows but Allah. If he really wants to be more religious then he will understand why you can not give him a guarantee you won’t leave. It really sound like all three of you want to take control of the situation. In the end Allah will show you who is really in control. And whoever (out of the three of you) has the most faith and belief in Allah will be the happiest. If you want to intend your own happiness or that of your husband then I would intend my own happiness. Happiness comes from Allah and the most obedient one is the happiest one, in this life and the next.

  • Marie

    February 9, 2015

    Sara, I understand your frustrations and hatred toward the other woman, im no Stanger to having a woman lurking in the background using ones husband as a safety net in case all else fails.

    I will not be bashing your husband as he’s not the first to be in a situation like this and I doubt he will be the last. as ana said we ALL have faults, none of us are perfect. most of my advice remains the same. you said your husband and the other woman are waiting for guarantees that you or he wont leave the polygamous marriage. you said you don’t know what or how you will feel so therefore do not want to give a guarantee that you wont leave, ill put it out there that you do not want to give him the go ahead because you do not want polygamy and saying you wont leave means he will marry her. I felt the same, as our situations are quite similar. I came to the conclusion that I could not give ANY guarantees that I wont leave because I have no idea what tomorrow holds. tell your husband you have no intention of leaving (you said you’ll give it a try) but can not promise ANYTHING, and will not be saying yes or no to him marrying the other woman. That’s it, he need not bother you again with it. let him and the other woman make whatever guarantees Allah allows them to. NOW, is the time for you to put your trust in Allah that whatever happens will be good for now and the hereafter.

    Also I would not think about any plots plans and games the other woman is doing, she can bring no harm or good to you, Allah had already written the outcome for your situation, just trust Him, He will give you peace and contentment no matter the outcome. You are stressing yourself out unnecessarily. This is her and his problem not yours.

    lastly, you may hate this woman but you do not have to deal with her, your husband does. if I can think of anything else ill post later Insha’Allah

    @Shabanah, where are yooooooou, sis

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2015

    Sara,

    Thank you much for opening up and sharing more so we have a better understanding of what’s going on to give you the best advice we know how. We aren’t here to bash your husband as no one has an ideal, perfect husband. We all have flaws and faults, including our husbands. We may speak of one another husband’s imperfection in the course of giving advice because it’s unavoidable if we want to be truthful about the situation.

    I think if it were me, I’d dislike the woman whom your husband is involved with, as well. You don’t have to like her. I wrote recently that I’ve come to learn we should like the people Allah tells us to like and dislike the people Allah tells us to dislike. Of course he doesn’t specify the people by name, but he tells us in the Quran enough about people for us to make a judgement call as to who to deal with or not, and how.

    Some people are of the position that we shouldn’t judge others, but I could site at least probably ten ayat (verses) from the Holy Quran in which Allah tells us to Judge. What do people think the information in the Quran is for (a bedtime story?) It’s not about whether a person is smoking a cigarette or drinking a glass of wine either.

    People need to be mindful that Allah test peoples and he tests us with good and evil. A person could be tested with evil when doing something he or she shouldn’t, which is where repentance comes into play. We don’t know who goes home and repent and who doesn’t. A person will only stop doing something when Allah decides. The person should make his or her intent about matters. Allah tells us who to marry and who not to marry for instance. Those are the type of judgement calls we make – who to befriend and not.

    Anyhow, Insha Allah, I’ll be back to chat more. Perhaps others have input. I’ll check my phone for comments while out.

  • Sara

    February 9, 2015

    I’ll be more open about my situation so everyone can understand more and advice me better.
    This woman that my husband wants as a second wife is married but she claims she is separated from her husband. I didn’t want to mention this as I didn’t want any negative criticisms against my husband. It’s a situation where when we were having problems she contacted him at around the sane time and since they were together before and she showed she wasn’t happy in her marriage he decided to divorce me. As he saw I wasn’t happy with him.
    So there.
    But he couldn’t leave me for long and he realized I loved him and wanted him back. So when he came back he said the best thing would be to marry both as she was already in the picture. ( but I had no idea at that time).
    Now do u understand y I have anger towards her? Because it was her who got in touch with him and she was manipulatively trying to have him divorce me secretly and I had no idea. On top of it she’s keeping her husband in case it doesn’t work out.
    Now about the guarantee. He is insisting in the guarantee because she wants him to guarantee to her that he won’t leave her no matter what. That’s when she’ll divorce. If he doesn’t guarantee it she doesn’t want to. And he doesn’t want to guarantee it because he wants to have a guarantee from me I won’t leave. He’s scared to have her divorce and I leave him then he’s stuck with her and her son and he loses me and his kids.
    So there I said it. I have hatred towards her because I feel she’s not an honest person. Trying to keep both so she doesn’t stay alone at the end while slowly trying to play her game to have him leave me. Little does she know I know everything.
    I can’t give the guarantee as I don’t even know what will happen tomorrow. I’m willing to give it a try and c if it works for me. As u guys keep saying there is benefit to it like free time. I’m just tired of her and her little games.

  • Lynn

    February 9, 2015

    Assalammualaikum everyone 🙂

    4 years ago when I was reading Ana’s post I could not understand and what Ana was saying in the blog. I asked myself – how could she be so cool and accepting when I was in such a total mess. Almost wanted to end my life then plus i had ended up becoming a 3-days divorcee before I decided to reconcile.

    Everyone has to understand as much as we dislike polygamy, it has a major benefit – it makes us closer to Allah. The excruciating pain one has to experience at the beginning, sharing a husband when you used to have him all for yourself … his time and money … is just beyond words. But we will manage somehow. Allah knows best.

    @Ina i always love reading your post and I pray Allah makes it easier for you sister

  • Ruqayyah

    February 8, 2015

    @Sara, I don’t know your entire story because I float on and off this blog but I seriously suggest you don’t do what I did my husband tried and tried for 2 years to get me to accept and I fought and fought against him. I damaged my relationship with him and I want it back to that nice carefree way we were. Of course he has done his share of damage too but anyways… you can be happy with him not being there all the time. You can make friends, join groups, volunteer, study. You are your own self not an extension of him. You (and me) are very fortunate to have husbands who care about our happiness as well as their own. Change is a part of life.

  • Marie

    February 8, 2015

    Hey Sara,
    I know you don’t want things to change but it is part of life. Things change all the time, nothing stays the same. I keep hearing from you that one needs to be strong and full of iman to enter polygamy, that we need to not care about what people think or what they will say. Can you see that if you don’t already have these characteristics, you can have them through living polygamy (not just polygamy, any anything that challenges us) your husband should stop trying to convince you, he needs to make the intention on his own, he’s the only one responsible for it.
    My husband too wanted me to say I wouldn’t leave him, I simply said I have no idea what tomorrow holds, I may even be dead, so please do not trouble me with this, I have no intention of leaving only Allah knows what will happen.

    I’ll cut this short, hubz wants a chat

  • Sara

    February 7, 2015

    I don’t want to live in the same house as my Cowife. Impossible as I know I can’t handle it. Like I said he’s here every night we have breakfast together, lunch together, weekends together.every kids holiday together… I fear if he marries everything will change. He’ll b here half the time…that she will want to have kids so more responsibility. I fear change. I fear Hell change things wont b the same anymore. What will I do w my free time? As before I was w him waiting for him serving him. I don’t work. He thinks nothing will change. He’ll stay the same and he’ll make me happier.
    He’s trying his best to convince me. He hasn’t stopped trying and giving up for two years. He’s convinced that it’s the best for everyone. That his whole aim is to make two women that love him happy by sharing time with then and also making himself happy as he likes to b w two different women.

  • Sara

    February 7, 2015

    He keeps telling be that God created man and woman different. That a man is able to love two women and b w two women but a women can’t. She can only love one. I keep saying we’ll look at my parents or so and so they are monogamous and fine. And that it’s only u like that.
    He says no that they’re going against their nature. That it’s very hard for a man to be monogamous for 50-60 years. That look around u the cheating the divorces. That polygamy is a clean way of life.

  • Sara

    February 7, 2015

    Ina,
    I liked ur post. When I was saying that society plays an important role because I’m not locked up in the house all day I didn’t mean that polygamous women were loners and don’t have a choice. I’m sorry if it came out that way. I was talking about myself. That if it happens id b too embarrassed to deal w society and their questions so id keep little contact w people. That’s what I meant. I know It seems that all I care about is society but with polygamy u should have the strength to face everyone and confidence. Not be affected by onyones opinion…I know ur right I should think more about the path to heaven than people.
    I guess maybe where ur living plays an important role on how people will act. I dunno.
    Ur right I’m forcing him to stay in a situation by not giving him full permission. But it’s not like I’m refusing 100%. All I’m telling him is if u go ahead and marry her I won’t guarantee that I will stay. I will try it but I don’t know how I will feel. That’s all. And he’s not wanting to do it because he wants me to tell him I will stay and try, at least for a year. He says that if I leave there’s no point for him to marry her because his whole idea is to b w two women. That it’s healthier for everyone. For him, to avoid cheating and get religious, for me to have a man that is happy and always missing me and for her to Have the chance to b w the man that she loved for so long.
    Society is not talking behind my back because their relationship is not open. There is no house they meet if they meet they go for car rides and she doesn’t live in the same city as me. It’s an hour away. Their relationship is mostly phone contact and sometimes they stay weeks without seeing eachother.
    I dunno how to explain but two years ago when I found out it was shocking. I was so miserable. But now I’m ok. As in I don’t feel threatened by her that he would leave me for her. All I thought about when I found out was he loves her and he’s w me just for the kids. That it’s a matter of time before he leaves. But I realized as time passed that he loves me and he would never replace a woman he loves for another woman he loves. That it doesn’t make sense. I’m not in a state of acceptance because I still cringe when he talks about what he wants or her. I get a stab of jealousy if he receives a message and I think it’s from her. I don’t feel completly calm and acceptance in my heart. There’s a little part of me that still gets angry or scared when he talks about polygamy.
    Every situation is different but he wants a polygamy where both wives are consented and fully understand why he’s doing polygamy. He wants both wives to b happy and by his side. He doesn’t want to force it and create drama. He will not do it unless he’s sure it will work and were both in. He’s also being as patient as possible to give me time to understand. He feels that if he doesn’t marry her and is not polygamous he can’t stay monogamous for too long. That he will start cheating again and since he doesn’t feel good about cheating he might end up leaving me. He thinks the first 7 years we were married and he was monogamous he didn’t feel happy as he didn’t feel he was in his natural self but when he started contact with her he found the balance he was looking for and he was at his happiest. Then he found that in our religion he doesn’t have to choose between two woman he loves but he can have both. That’s when he started talking about the polygamy idea two years ago.

  • Ina

    February 7, 2015

    Sara,
    Whilst it’s true that the pain will be the same whether your husband marries this woman or another, a decent co-wife will be a blessing whereas a difficult co-wife will be a curse. Remember your post to Traysi on 26 Jan where you said a manipulative cowife can make your life hell. No matter how little contact you have with a cowife, they can affect your life and marriage.

    You right of course that it’s all in God’s hands and if it’s meant to be then it will happen. However, I urge to be more concerned about you path to Jannah than what other people in your family/community are saying. They are not the ones who have the ability to keep you away from the hellfire.

  • Ina

    February 7, 2015

    Sara,
    I don’t get anger from your post but your comment “society plays an important role because I’m not locked up in the house all day…” can be offensive to some people. You seem to imply that women who accept polygamy are those who are loners and/or don’t have a choice. You do seem to have some ancient stereotypes of what a practising/believing muslim women are like. I think you will find the reality to be very different. From all my years of reading about the women on this blog who are living polygamy , I am continuously in awe of their strength, belief and faith. Mind you, these things don’t happen overnight. Often it is the test and the pain of polygamy itself that makes them who they are today. Rarely are they in a constant position of contentment either. There are ups and downs in polygamous marriages just like monogamous marriages.

    In one post you say it is “a fact that my husband will not marry if I don’t let him”. Then in your last post, you say you will not force your husband to do it or not to do it. But have you not forced him in a situation by not giving him your permission and the fact that he will not do it without your permission? The 3 of you have been in limbo for 2 years. When you first came to the blog, you say this situation is a stressful (can’t remember your exact words) yet now you say you have reached a state of calm but not acceptance. I don’t know what sort of relationship your husband is having with this other woman but by maintaining contact, it is not healthy if there is little/no chance of them marrying. Are they just waiting for you to give permission?

    If this has been going on for 2 years, are you sure people in your community are not talking about it behind your back already?

  • Sara

    February 7, 2015

    Ana I have no anger towards anyone..everyone chooses their way of all…as u can c in my posts all I did is answer all of Ina’s questions..that’s all..I’m explaining myself to her…Ina did u feel I have anger when I replied to your posts? I’m just explaining myself to u…
    Gail I just meant that it doesn’t matter who the Cowife is it’s all the same to me…
    Gail I am trying to accept polygamy but I wouldn’t want it if I have a choice…but the situation is there..I will not force my husband to do it or not to do it…if he does it I will try if he doesn’t I will be happy…that’s all…very simple and straightforward I think.
    I don’t think any woman will happily accept polygamy to begin with when it’s thrown at her…very normal I think….but there are situations that happen in the life that u have to face….
    If this woman decides not to be his Cowife yes I will be happy…I will hope he never goes for another…and honestly I don’t think he will cuz she was from his past and all he wanted was her because he feels guilty he left her…then I will live my life in peace..
    I am leaving it in the hands of God…he knows how I feel, he knows the situation and he will choose what’s best…of it does so happen it means he wants it to happen…

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2015

    Sara comes across as angry, not angry at a potential wife or her husband or maybe so. It appears she’s taking her anger out here on the blog at those who are here, who have done nothing to her, as if someone is trying to force her into polygamy. If she doesn’t like polygamy or the concept, she should leave her husband and get to steppin or tell him order him not to do it. It’s some ugly hostilities coming off of her. No one here is forcing her into polygamy. She’ angry with the wrong people.

  • Gail

    February 6, 2015

    Sara,
    I read your post and I am kinda perplexed to be honest.Are u accepting Polygamy or not?I get that your trying but their is this underline feeling I am getting that u really don’t want to accept it at all.Also I am not understanding why u r saying u like another woman but u really don’t care who he picks because a woman is a woman meaning in my mind it seems u r really not accepting Polygamy.
    Sara everyone is different yes it is true u might get a real heffer for a cowife but then again u might get a really decent cowife.I would say don’t be so fast to throw the baby out with the bathwater if u know what I mean.
    Ok fine your hubby wants Polygamy but that doesnt me u have to divide your time or money or resources.All it means is if u choose it to be is that u r getting another family member.If somehow u can see the glass as half full instead of half empty then I really believe it will give u a fighting chance to actually make a real go of Polygamy.
    U do actually have alot of say in how u want your Polygamous set up.U don’t have to live separate u can live together if u wanted u could raise kids together u could have another hand to help u with the kids and the house and the laundry and the groceries if u wanted.If u don’t want that is also fine.I would say u have more say in how u want things than your cowife does at this point since your husband is not married yet.Think what u would want and sit with your husband and future cowife and see if they will agree to your terms.Maybe they will agree to all or none or somewhere in the middle but everything starts with an open honest dialog understand.Don’t imagine what things will be or live in your own imagination be present and active in your polygamous marriage is the point i am trying to make.You are not a victim .This is your life and YES u do have a say in how all this is going to run.If they don’t want u to have a say then don’t accept polygamy.Thats my advice.I hope this helps.

  • Mari2

    February 6, 2015

    @Gail,
    M. does have some humor…he told me he would buy me a chateau in Pakistan. LOL. Honestly, if he did, the place would be much bigger than where we live in the USA, but I would have to forgo such luxuries as petrol, heat, water, electricity, freedom of movement, and personal safety. No thanks. I’ll simply live vicariously through someone else.

    @Sara,
    I would have preferred another cousin wife for M. and I did tell him the one I thought would suit him best and he did agree with me. However, it was neither my choice nor his. The choice is that of his mother. And she has chosen, so he will marry HER choice, not his own.

  • Sara

    February 6, 2015

    And Ina for me whether it’s this co wife or another it’s all the same…to b honest I wouldn’t want this one…if prefer another but it’s not my place to say what I want or don’t…but it’s all the same…i will not have any relation w her so who cares who he marries…
    It’s a women isn’t it…it’s the same for me. The feelings I feel will still be there whoever it is

  • Sara

    February 6, 2015

    I don’t want to think about it….to be honest…I’ve suffered enough cried enough went through my ups and downs these past two years I’m finally in a state of calm…but not acceptance.
    I know for a fact that my husband will not marry if I don’t let him…I know the religion allows it and he doesn’t need my consent…but he won’t do it…because he won’t b able to leave me…I’m not being proud…but it’s a fact…
    I’m in this blog because in trying to c if I can accept such a marriage…hear other people in it…

  • Sara

    February 6, 2015

    Hello Ina…nice to here that you are not alone and many women are going through what I’m going through…
    What u said in the post if he’s in contact with her what difference will it make if he married her…it will make a difference because everyone will know and my pride will hurt. I still don’t know how I will react to that to be honest…I know I shouldn’t care but I really do…my family, my friends, society it plays an important role because I’m not locked up in the house all day…I live with the community…and whether I like it or not opinions will matter to a certain extent…
    Again, what difference will it make if he marries her? He is home every single evening…he’s in bed with me…I get to cuddle him all night and we get to play with our kids every evening…if he gets married things will definitely change…it’s time divided…and when u love someone so much u want him with u…it’s normal…
    So ya it’s a big change..and up till now I dunno how I will react…I might try but no guarantees…
    It’s very tough…it’s a big big test…I still c it as my happiness or his…one will have to sacrifice…I know for a fact when he’s w both he’s very happy…another man…but when he fights with her or loses hope I will accept he’s very sad…I feel sad to c him sad…so for be it’s sad…either I c him happy and I’m not or he’s not happy and I am…it’s unconditional love as they say…to accept something that will make ur partner very happy…
    I live one day at a time…well c what happens…I’m getting close to God…and I will wait and c what my destiny will be.

  • Gail

    February 5, 2015

    Mari2,
    Hahha good luck chicky getting that Chateau! LOL

    I know it sucks and sadly their is no way around this unless u flat out divorce him to be honest.I wish I could say it’s going to get better but unfortunately as u and I both know it’s not esp.. The $hit is going to hit the fan sooner or later when cowife comes to know she is is not wife number one but instead wife number 2 and to to make matters even more disturbing and scary is that when your cowife’s family come to know your MIL was part of the web of lies Holy Cow is all I can say.Your MIL is going to demand to your hubby for the sake of the family honor he must divorce u or take the wrath from the family and shunning.I don’t know how this is going to play out but what I do know it is not going to be pretty so u beter get ready for a rough ride is my thinking.

  • Gail

    February 5, 2015

    Ummof4 and Ana,
    I sent u am email a few days back on the link Ana gave me.I just checked my email again but I don’t see anything from Ana so I don’t know.lol

  • Ina

    February 5, 2015

    Waalaikumsalam Lynn,
    I am not malaysian but hubby and cowife are. Hubby told me he has repented for his sins however cowife will not. Somehow she does not think she has done anything wrong or have any regrets. Hubby do not dare ask me to accept her as a friend. She is his wife and that is as far as i will see her for now. I have no desire to have any contact or communication with her. If she is not repentant then how/why should I forgive her?

  • Mari2

    February 4, 2015

    But lucky me for the sardonic humor Allah has disposed upon me. And I am serious about that. My humor and sarcasm walk me thru much. I take things seriously, yet must also poke fun at myself and my situation as well as needed. It is a relief at times to see myself in a humorous role. M doesn’t quite grasp my humor. No problem. But one cannot always be sooooo put out by cultural stuff. I was on a social site where I follow a chateau. Yes, a chateau ( building/history), not a person. I follow a building. Love, love the history and reconstructive process on the building. People are less interesting really.

    So now when M informs me that I should save my money because he wont be earning for a month (marriage and all that), and I will need to take the forefront in bill paying (his marriage and all that), I simply point out to him that I don’t have a chateau. “What? She gets gold, and a feast for days, lots of clothes, and great respect for doing nothing, and I have no chateau, have to pay the bills, and I cook you food every day?”

    M: I thought you wanted a couch.
    Me: No. Now I want a chateau.

  • Mari2

    February 4, 2015

    @Gail,
    Yeah I know it’s a cultural thing. I read an interesting article regarding the sociological rural reasons for marriage in Pakistan. There really is no choice for M or cousin girl. Regardless of age, the decisions for marriage are not individual choices, but the choices of the family. Unfortunately for his family in Pakistan, their understanding of the nuances of culture, outside marriage, and western legalities escape their reason. What they think they will receive vs the actual returns are far and apart.

    While M’s mom will keep our marriage secret, she thinks that my salary will be a boon to her, cousin girl, and family. It will not simply because she failed to understand that my money does not transfer to either M or his family. Because then again, M has nottoldt her the truth either.

  • Lynn

    February 4, 2015

    Assalammualaikum 🙂

    I am still here with nothing much to say but still waiting for posts from other sisters. Sometimes we use this blog as a venting place so No news is Good news. Not necessarily we are very happy but good enough to keep it going

    @Ina – don't let those kinda visuals run through youe head and affect your relationship with hubby. How it started doesn't matter most importantly they have repented and wanna do it right now. It's definitely painful for you I know.

    Are you a Malaysian? You don't need to answer if it's too much to reveal. I understand.

    Take your time to accept your co wife and don't do it just to please hubby but only Allah.

  • anabellah

    February 4, 2015

    Where does everybody be at?

    Did all fine peace in their polygamous marriages?

  • Ina

    February 4, 2015

    Waalaikumsalam Lynn,
    I am glad you are back on the blog. Your story made me cry when i was reading it years ago. Yours and other stories here changed my mind on polygamy. I started to believe that polygamy can work if we focus on Allah instead of each other. We have to forgive our husbands for their weaknesses just as they have to patient with our faults.

    Hubby may only be married for 3 months but he has been in the relationship for >1yr. I went through the crazy screaming and crying phase months before hubby got married. At that time someone was emailing me info about the sexual nature of their relationship in an attempt to destroy my marriage. This I think was my lowest point. By the time they were married, I was drained emotionally. I’d been through the worst of revelations so them getting married was just a step in a better direction especially for hubby.

  • anabellah

    February 3, 2015

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam & Hello Everyone,

    @Ummof4 and Gail,

    I just sent Gail your email address again, so she could check and make sure she sent it the correct place.

  • ummof4

    February 3, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Gail, I never received your email. Are you sure you sent it to the right email address? Check with Ana again.

  • Gail

    February 3, 2015

    Mari2,
    Listen it is totally cultural thing they do.It’s not just your hubby bit everyone there holds huge weddings.Since your husband is in USA people will expect a nice wedding.I guess u can say it is what it is.When I found out the truth about what my husband lying to me I got pissed beyond belief to know he has a nice wedding with his first wife and I got some simple crap wedding to be frank.I have sense let it go simply because it was not worth dwelling on.
    My only real concern is that your cowife and her family are going to cause major problems in the future when they find out about u.I can just about say with 100% that your cowife and her family and your MIL are going to pressure him to get rid of u.It is cruel and nasty behavior and this is why I don’t like cousin marriages because it is going to put your husband in a position to fight his family and other wife.It is the most insane thing I have ever seen and the nastiest thing I have ever witnessed in the Pakistani culture.I am certain your husband knows this already and hopefully is preparing himself.
    I will say this I don’t understand for the life of me why he don’t just tell the them the truth instead of being scared and trying to hide it knowing the truth will come out.For some reason Pakistani men think after they marry the woman she and her family have no choice but to accept it because the daughter is no longer a virgin.I hate that logic and thinking as I feel it is very nasty to destroy a womans life like that knowing the culture.I am not saying only your husband is doing this alotttt of men r doing this thing.
    I think u r going to be fine as long as u keep focusing on u and leave him to deal his crazy family drama.

  • anabellah

    February 2, 2015

    @Lynn, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    This blog is your own. It belong to our blog family here and you are family. I love that everyone is imputing, and sharing when and where they can. It’s all good, my sister. More power to the people 🙂

  • Lynn

    February 2, 2015

    Assalammualaikum Ina

    @Ina – I have been in this situation for about 4 years and its usually harder and more painful during the early months. But you seem to take it well alhamdulillah.

    Continue posting and sharing your experience coping with polygamy with us. It will help everyone here including the silent readers. As for me I have a tendency to stay away from this blog when I see lots of negativity and “war” going on here ^-^

    Sorry Ana for treating this blog like my own hehe I can only share my experiences not that good in giving advice.

    I’d like to share this Islamic quote:
    People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only when there is light from within.”

    All you need is a strong faith (imaan) in Allah and everything will be okay.

  • Mari2

    February 2, 2015

    Unfortunately, I do have animosity toward M’s impending wedding. I try and pray hard. I look toward Quran. But still in my heart, my mind, and my dreams there is a little, dark spot. Like a drop of ink that moves about upon it’s own accord, this way and that, like tiny filings of metal under the magnet of a child, randomly pulled this way and that at his whim and entertainment.

    My animosity, my anger, my anxiety, and my tears have naught to do with the new wife to be. There is no competition between her and me. She is just her. I am just me. She knows nothing of me, I know little of her. My issue is with the mothers, fathers, and husbands (my own included), the greed, the culture, and the grasping “mommies” who would turn their sons out for their own benefit. No amount of gold, clothing or mehndi parties will provide M’s cousin girl with anything but a default of her educational abilities, servitude to family members, and a life time of isolation replete with occasional dramas on TV, much gossip, and eating her way into obesity as EVERY single, married woman in his family has done.

  • anabellah

    February 2, 2015

    @Mari2,

    Please know I never once thought you jealous of the cousin/soon to be wife. I know you weren’t directing your post to me only, but to all of us. I just need you to know, I never thought it of you, not once. My wedding was a nice formal, evening wedding with all the bells and whistles (I wore the white wedding gown, had the cake and all), but let me tell you, it was not a huge all out event. We asked guests not to give money or gifts as we wanted to make it easy on the guests. Many of them gave us nice greeting cards. The photographer wanted more than the entire wedding would have cost so we put instant disposable camera’s on each table. His niece video taped some of the reception. One guest took professional pics and made copies for my hubz and me. She dropped them off to my younger sister to give to me (the sister who refused to attend the wedding as I wouldn’t let her sabotage it – sabotaging is my younger sister’s expertise). Needless to say, I never got the pics. I know my sister kept them. When my one sister past away, they put a pic of her in the whatever you call the thing they pass out at funerals. It was a pic from my wedding that I hadn’t seen. My younger sister must have seen the look of surprise on my face. She then said, Oh, that pic is from your wedding. I have some of your pics. Well, hello, did it cross her mind to make copies for me? I should ask her for them. Maybe I will, Insha Allah. It’s not that we didn’t have the money for a professional photographer. We thought to pay more for a photographer than we paid for the wedding was a complete waste of money. We try not to waste money. Allah say don’t be a spendthrift and don’t be niggardly, either, but find a median.

  • Mari2

    February 2, 2015

    @Lynn,
    Thanks for your response. And thank you too Gail for your experiences with Pakistani culture that I can learn from. You never cease to be helpful.

    @Lynn,
    My husband did tell me that he was grateful for what I was able to provide as to his mother’s comfort when she was here. That was very sweet of him to say, and I am happy that he was aware of my contribution, in addition to his own. M has many good qualities. Patience definitely, though courage to buck the cultural status quo is not within him as of yet. And honestly, it may never be within him. If my own immigrant family is testimony to the process of casting off of religio/cultural requirements, then I do in fact realize that it may well take many generations.

    I would never ask M to cancel his family affiliations (though they vex him), and while I would wonder aloud to him as to why our simple Islamic wedding was good enough in the eyes of Allah, but marrying a cousin requires a hall, gold, furniture, massive quantities of food, and clothing for numerous family members in order to be deemed “Islamic”/culturally acceptable. It’s sad really. And no I’m not being jealous. I was married once in full fanfare and a pricey dress, and all I can say is that I learned my lesson as to the ridiculou

  • Ina

    February 2, 2015

    Assalamualaikum Marie,

    I am doing ok, considering it’s only been 3months since hubby remarried. I was a little down over the past month but I am trying to pull myself up now. I was feeling down because I was not doing much aside from procrastinating. Also, there was some talk about children on the blog which made me realised how important the mother’s role in raising boys to be god-fearing men. Since my husband was the more religious one, I’d always felt he would be the one to teach our sons about Islam, make them pray, etc. But I am the strict parent and he is the “fun” parent and it concerns me when he doesn’t ask them to pray as much as he could or make them pray when they don’t want to. I am feeling the pressure of the responsibility of raising my sons to be good muslims.

  • Ina

    February 2, 2015

    Assalamualaikum Sara,

    I am Ina and I have been following your story with interest as there are many similarities to mine. Here is a brief version of my story. About 4.5 yrs ago, my husband told me while I was 6 mths pregnant with our 3rd child that he met someone he wants to marry. I didn’t want to talk or think about it during a critical stage of pregnancy (my 2nd child was 6 weeks premature and this pregnancy was likely to go the same way). I said the same thing you did, why did he marry me if he wanted polygamy? Why do this to me after 8yrs of marriage and 3 kids? His answer is simply that he didn’t know he was going to feel this way.

    A year passed but he kept in contact with this other woman (she knows he is already married with kids). I was in limbo and unhappy. He still wanted to marry her and her parents had given their permission. I went crazy but I could see how unhappy my husband was too. I was distraught. Out of desperation, I told my husband that I would give him permission to take another wife but he needed to give me 3yrs to prepare for it. He agreed but the woman’s parents did not want their daughter to wait and they wanted her to get married within year (there was already another suitor in line).

    Although, I asked my husband to wait 3 yrs, he started looking for another woman almost straightaway. He found someone after 1.5 yrs of our agreement. Over the next 1.5 yrs, their relationship became more and more physical all because my husband wanted to keep his promise to wait 3yrs. He married my co-wife 3 months ago.

    As many have already told you, your reaction, the way feel is completing normal and many of us here have been through what you have gone through. When I found this blog 3-4 yrs ago, I realised that there is light at the end of tunnel. The ladies here helped me see the possibility of being happy in a polygamous marriage. They helped me understand this is my test from Allah. If I could choose the test of polygamy or being tested with the health of my children, I would choose the former. My SIL is being tested by the latter and she is handling it admirably. She says she would not be able to handle the test of polygamy. Remember:
    “Allah does not burden a soul with more than it can bear.” [Qur’an 2: 286]

    So please don’t underestimate yourself on what you can and cannot handle. Often we do not know until we are putting in that situation.

    Now, you mentioned several times that you are not afraid of being alone so you will leave him if you cannot take it. At the same time you say you don’t think you will be able to handle it because you are possessive by nature and also you are not that religious. You are worried about how others would see you if your husband remarries. This is your pride hurting….I know I felt the same way. You found this blog which tells me that you are starting to think about the possibility of accepting your husband having another wife. If your husband is still having some sort of relationship with this other woman…what difference will make if he marries her?

    One last point (sorry for the long post), you said you know this other woman. If she is a good sister in faith then don’t make your husband choose like I did because you could end up with a co-wife who is not so good. You can read a bit more about my co-wife in the post/thread “Co-wives who act crazy”.

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2015

    @Gail,

    Hi Gail. I really like the analogy you gave showing how far Marie has come. It is definitely doable. I can vouch for it. The pain and heartache is well worth going through the experience – to come out stronger, wiser, happier and a better person in every way. I totally remember when you told your story, how tears were steaming down my face when you described when you first learned the truth. Wow, it’s amazing how far you’ve come and now you are helping so many other people too.

    I can tell in your writings that you are happier than I’ve ever known you to be on this blog. It’s amazing. It how someone can sense how someone else is doing from their writings. It’s as though the actual soul can tough one another. I’m probably not explaining it very well, but I think you know what I mean. I like the way you have a way of explaining things to make one understand. It’s a gift you have.

    I agree with you that everyone goes through drama. There is no escaping it. I agree with you too that a positive outcome comes from trusting in God. Allah says those who trust, put their trust in Him and fear no one, but Him. Life is beautiful.

  • Gail

    February 1, 2015

    Marie,
    U have come a very long ways girl.Isn’t funny how Polygamy is like a food u don’t like.U see that food and u say OH heck no I am not going to eat that and u can’t make me.Then u taste it and still u r like a kid making faces that it is not good but over time as u keep eating the same food it starts to grown on u and after awhile u start to tolerate the certain food then a little while longer u actually start to like it.Then u look bad and remember at first u hated that food and now u love it lol
    I really wish my cowife would not had been so demanding like she was.I just don’t understand what her brain is thinking she is so much mental pain and I feel it to this day but I can’t help her.The dark black hole I climbed out of she fell into and it is very sad to me.

  • Gail

    February 1, 2015

    Ana,
    Thank u yes I got Umoff4 email and messaged her.Thank u for the nice msg u wrote me .I love the blog and love everything u have done to make it as great as u have.The blog is such a lifesaver for so many woman and the truth is before I found the blog I was severely depressed and disgusted with marriage and blaming myself on how i could have picked such a dushe bag for a husband but because of u and the blog I start to figure out I was not the only one suffering and it really snapped me back into reality and made me feel like hey all is not lost yes it will be hard but nothing worth having ever comes easy.Against all odds I stuck it out with the blog and worked through my issues and by some miracle even stayed married.
    I had not shared this yet and was kinda keeping it to myself but I think I should share it.
    Up until I moved out of my mobile home and we moved into this beautiful brand new home I didn’t really see how I had let the mobile home go.I mean logically speaking it was an old mobile home and everything was falling apart in it and I was blaming on my husband BUTTT I also see I did not take it upon myself to do anything about it.It was a mess when we moved out and it was a huge eye opener and a reminder to me how being depressed can affect every part of your life.By nature I am a very clean person but I had given up in r mobile home and just spot cleaned.
    I was so upset with myself after we showed the home to a few people that I flat told hubby we r not going to sell this home the way it looks now I am going to fix some things.He was like no just leave it and I said NO way I am going to fix it and I did.I went and cleaned and polished the entire mobile home and I remodeled the bathroom because it was falling apart it cost me 3 days labor and 100 bucks and it looked amazing as far as mobile home bathrooms go.I did a great spit shine on it and the rest of the house.We ended up selling the mobile home to a young couple that r very sweet and we just couldn’t be happier.
    Also something that touched my heart is the little girl is 18 and she just happens to be from a little country town in Oklahoma very very close to where I am originally from.Well she opened up to me as soon as she found out we were from the same area which is 3 hours from the city we r in now.She told me her dad was a drunk and her parents just got divorced and she was in an abusive relationship before she met this really nice boy she is with now.My heart just melted for her and I was so happy I put the extra work into the mobile home after chatting with her.They r so excited about the mobile home and it really just touched me in such a sincere way to see her coming out of a bad situation into a really nice happy place.I see now that everyone goes through dramas and crap in their lives but it really boils down to trusting in G.D and knowing things can change so fast.Really I am happier than I have ever been.I am in a good place now mentally and physically.

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2015

    @Sara,

    I get with all that Marie said. I’m familiar with all that she said, other than the children aspects. My husband and I have no children.

    It’s not a matter of anyone convincing another that polygamy is good or bad. It’s not what it’s about. It’s very difficult at times to discuss polygamy on this blog because there are people here with different beliefs, and some with no belief in a mainstream religion. There are different ranks in Islam, as well (I’m not referring to sect, which we aren’t supposed to be apart of), but ranks.

    There are people who think their husbands decided to be polygamous whether it started off an an affair (adultery) and ended in marriage or not. There are some people who think they choose to remain in marriages or leave. There are people here who believe as Marie, that Allah allows polygamy as a way of life for men; Allah decides who are mates are; He places some people in polygamy; and we all are to accept all of the Holy Quran. Polygamy is part of our belief. I tend to speak to the people who believe as I do which is the later. I believe in the decree of Allah. So, those who don’t believe as I do won’t hear me or won’t accept what I say because we don’t believe the same. I’m not here to try to convince, persuade, or make anyone believe as I do.

    You stated you wouldn’t want to enter into something unless you are like me. It mean you believe you make decisions, not Allah. In essence you have said you decide what you enter into and what you don’t enter into. Therefore, you wouldn’t be one of the persons who anything I say would reach. Our discussions would always be adversarial.

    It’s really all about a Muslim wanting to be a believer, which can only be done by learning what is in the Holy Quran and living it. Learning and living it depends on the person’s intent and they have to turn to Allah for Him to teach and guide him or her. It’s about believing that Allah tests us as He says He does; it’s about believing that He heals, removes pain, punishes, gives us comfort and ease, gives us peace etc. It’s all about belief. It would take rewriting the entire Quran here for anyone to get a clear understanding.

    A person is going to go through pain, unhappiness, complaining and tough times. I did. Most Muslim women find themselves in polygamous marriages that they never wanted to be a part of. The outcome depends on where the woman falls in the categories I mentioned in the beginning of this post. A woman who finds herself in polygamy doesn’t accept her fate overnight. It’s the same as when Allah says belief doesn’t immediately enter a new shahadah’s (person who takes the oath to be Muslim) overnight. How could a person have faith when they were so far away from faith just yesterday?

    Women can tolerate polygamy and live unhappily in it or women can truly try to embrace polygamy and love it because it’s part of Islam based on the Holy Quran. Allah helps the Believer. The believer is victorious.

    No woman accepts polygamy from the beginning unless she was looking for an alternative lifestyle. Most Muslim women aren’t looking for it. Some women such as ummof4 was exposed to a different way of life before she reverted to Islam and she was learned in some cultures in which polygamy was a way of life. For her, accepting polygamy was more easy than for some others.

  • Marie

    February 1, 2015

    Hiya Sara,

    Imo I don’t think you have to accept polygany from the beginning, but as ummof4 said, at the least we can try to be positive and accept. I didn’t accept my life may be polyganous from the beginning, in fact I tried to not make it part of my life. BUT, my true intention was to accept the entire quran, which includes polygamy. I thought I could accept it without actually being in it. Iv come to realise that living polygamy is more than just ‘sharing’ a husband. There are so many blessings, and I truly think that one has to be in the situation before seeing all the good that it brings.
    I mentioned before that I thought my life would just be pain and misery. But it’s not, I very much like my life. I like when my hubz is here and I like it when he’s not. I get me time, I get to spend extra time with my kids, cook things that hubz doesn’t like and not make another meal for him. Then when he comes home the kids want all daddy’s attention and I can relax, read and pray without the little ones asking for stuff. Im beginning to not want things to change, the same way I felt when hubz was about to get married.
    I WAS a complainer full of unhappiness and now I’m content and full of happiness. It’s amazing alhamdulilah.

    Gail, yeah I don’t think about my co being older than me now, it was the beginning stages when you get all the crazy thoughts. my husband told me straight that I’m more than enough woman for him. in fact unless something crops up, I don’t think about my co at all. I’m enjoying my life right now, I’m happy, content and thankful for all that I have. Things I didn’t even know I wanted.

    Um wondering how ina is getting on. I miss her.

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2015

    Dear Gail, Howdy,

    I just forwarded you ummof4’s email address. Please check and make sure you received it. Thank you. 🙂

  • Sara

    February 1, 2015

    When ur not convinced about polygamy u will be miserable all ur life…because u didn’t accept it…by praying to God ur hoping something will change…nothing will change till u change ur heart…
    Sitting in a marriage and hoping the pain will go away doesn’t work that way…u might as well leave…but most women unfortunately don’t gave what it takes to leave…
    Ana I love reading ur posts because u sound very happy and strong in ur marriage…I wouldn’t want to enter into anything unless I’m like u…I wouldn’t want to be a big complainer full of unhappiness…
    Polygamy is not something u get used to…u either accept it or u don’t from the beginning…u actually have to fully understand the concept…

  • ummof4

    February 1, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Gail, please don’t bust any more cysts on your breasts. Go to the doctors’s ASAP and get checked out. If you don’t mind, Ana can give you my email and you can email me personally and I can share more with you. But don’t get paranoid.

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2015

    Dear Gail,

    I am sooooo happy you got the good news about the property You must be ecstatic. You have to thank God much for all He’s given you.

    See, it looks as though you going to Real Estate school was setting you up to where you are now. I’ve always heard it’s best to stick with what you know best and you know trailer homes and about trailer property. It’s your expertise, so capitalize on it. It looks like you’re about to be large. Things are getting ready to POP.

  • Gail

    January 31, 2015

    Ummof4,
    How is all going with u these days?
    I have a question for u related to my breast.
    I don’t know what is going on with my breast but I am having breast pain and I am seriously wondering why.I can’t imagine the markers they put in really being a problem since they r so tiny but on the flip side I can’t figure out why I am having breast pain like every couple of days and it is bad enough I have to take a ibuprofen which I have to be pretty darn uncomfortable to take a pill.I am noticing the pain is coming up under my breast like in the muscle not in the fatty tissue also if that makes since.Oh one thing I am noticing I am getting cyst on my boobs more in the last few months.I use to get these cyst but I am noticing I am getting more and nasty.I bathe daily so I know it is from not being clean.I decided tonight to start cleaning with witch hazel every night before bed.I am just at a loss of what is going on with my boobs and I honestly thought to run for breast reduction but I don’t think that would solve the problem because the part of my breast that hurts is the muscle.I am really curious if u ever experience any pain in your breast.I mean to say I do my very best to keep my breast clean by bathing daily.Sometimes even twice a day.I am wondering if the cyst are causing my pain somehow.They cyst r fluid filled and they look like pimples and when I pop them they have puss run out then I put antibiotic on them and after few days it goes away.I normally have one on each breast at the same time.I get them healed then again i get on another spot on my breast.

  • Gail

    January 31, 2015

    Marie,
    How r u doing? I have been so busy I can’t even believe and it seems their will be no end in sight for awhile but I am happier than I have ever been and all is going well for me.How is everything going now with your husband going back and forth and the kids.I am curious how is your cowife acting towards u now?I think I remember u saying awhile back that she is not crazy about your kids going to her house or something of that nature I am curious if that improved or is all that still going on.
    Marie I’m not sure if u feel bad or not about your cowife being 10 yrs older than u or not but don’t feel like u r behind her in some ways.When u have kids second thats just the way it is and it is life and honestly u can’t change it so don’t dwell on it is my thinking.I don’t think her being more mature than u lead your husband to marry her I think it was simply because they had the kids and history together and they have this bond and he sees something in her on a personal level which is fine as the way I see it.He also finds something in u and has this bond with u also.Gosh I just no longer see Polygamy as fair and I no longer see Polygamy as being jealous over the man.I think Polygamy is not fair to be honest simply because u have have 3 or more people working on individual agendas.I see Polygamy like either u accept it or u don’t and neither way is wrong BUT if in order to have a successful Polygamous marriage then u have to focus on u and not on the other wife simply because the other wife has her own agenda with very well may not include your ideas which sucks but again if we get angry everytime cowife acted up and vice versa it will end up being a battle of wills and then it just becomes a serious mess.
    U know I think u should do something different and unique in your marriage different from your cowife that is fun and exciting to make your family life different from hers so u feel like she is not 10 years ahead of u and already been there and done that all the time.Has your cowife been skydiving?If not take hubby and go skydiving or camping.My point is do things together they have not done to be a little different.Life is not about competing but instead about being different and embracing that difference and making new memories that he has not done with her.It’s just an idea.If by chance both u woman get along it would be awesome if u guys could take at least one family vacation a year just to work on your family relationship but I know alot of woman don’t have interest in mixing up with their cowife.Bottom line don’t let your younger age and younger children than your cowife bother u or your husband saying he has been there and done that when he was your age.He doesn’t mean anything by it and him being a man I doubt he even gets that him saying that might disturb u or be a reminder to u Salt in the wound so to speak that him and cowife have history.I say Shake it off! I love Taylor Swift song Shake it Off!! lol

  • Gail

    January 31, 2015

    Ana,
    We met the soil scientist out on our property today and got the perk test for the septic to go in.We r so excited because after talking with her and her husband she told hubby and I we can put a total of 5 mobile homes on our property with having to go through the Planning Commission which is a huge deal for us because when we talked to the County health dept.we were told to only expect a max of 3 mobiles allowed on the property so 5 approved mobiles is sooo exciting.We are giving ourselves a deadline of April to have 2 more septic tanks put in and 4 more mobile homes.
    Ana u know I have been interested in Real Estate for awhile but in all honesty I went through Real Estate School right before I married my husband 11 yrs ago so this idea is a very long time coming for me to be honest.I had always thought I would end up doing with homes but strangely I am all up in buying these mobile homes and fixing them up a little and renting to own them out.Off to a great start so far lets see how far hubby and I can go with this idea.I already have plans to buy more land and keep sticking 5 trailers at a time.If all goes well the sky is the limit.
    I am happy to hear Trayci is sticking around.Hopefully she is going to be ok.
    I totally get where u were coming from in Shabanah’s case.I am happy Shabanah cleared us on whats really going on with her.

    Shabanah,
    Don’t worry about what u said and don’t feel bad about venting on here about your cowife/cowives when u need to ok.I know for myself I can’t tell u how many times over the years I vented on the blog and felt such relief after blogging and instead of letting my excowife have it and verbally bash her to her face I was calm because I had already blogged it out of my system.
    If u r happy in your marriage then Hey girl that is nothing to feel bad about at all.I wish I could have gotten along with my cowife and sister inlaw but it was not meant to be in my case.

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2015

    traysi,

    Hello. It’s good to hear you’re moving forward, and are putting things in perspective for yourself. Keep up the good work.

  • traysi

    January 31, 2015

    My reading of The Quran is for me, not to “win” my husband back. I am in no way using Allah to keep my husband. I am seekibg refuge in Allah for a situation that i allowed to take my breath away. I was raised as a Christian and converted to Islam at 26, my upbringing was not of polygamy. My husband lied for years, and i had no proof because she too lied, until she became pregnant and told me. It is a long exhaustive story, but over years my husband became emotionally and verbally abusive. I said “sect” because while i believe i am a Muslim period, i have heard others divide us and The Holy Quran speaks of sects. I will continue reading a part a day, because it fills me with joy. My husband has a responsibility to her and i am going to accept it and not allow it to hurt me. I would rather him marry her than commit adultery. We are taught in my Mosque that Allah hates divorce and can heal all manner of evil, patience is key, so i am not seeking divorce. I beleive my commitment to Allah will be rewarded and this too shall pass. I thought i had to like her, to embrace her, but she does not want that. Its been 2 months since my husband has been the monster he can become and it is because i am solely relying on Allah. I do not need him, i need Allah. I enjoy your posts because it helps me to let go of feeling like i wasnt enough for him. Allah ordains it and thats it. I can say this, because of all the pain i have discovered what i an here for and how much i do love women in the proper way, because i was willing to be her friend, she has another agenda..but Allah got all of this!

  • ummof4

    January 31, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Shabanah, all is forgiven. Alhamdulillah you were guided to tell the truth. As Marie has said, you don’t have to be in pain and misery to be on this blog; you just have to be positive about polygyny or at the very least trying to be positive. So now we can talk to the real Shabanah.

    Everyone have a good day or night doing what Allah has told us to do.

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2015

    Shabanah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Are you kiddin me? OF COURSE I forgive you. It’s easy. It’s okay, Shabanah, cutie pie. Don’t worry about anything. We all do things and say things that we are sorry for. It’s part of life. The important thing is that we recognize our wrong, feel remorseful, and ask Allah to forgive us. He says a believer is one who repents to Him. It means we all, each and everyone of us, including believers, will have something to repent about. We all commit and will continue to commit sin. Allah forgives all but the most heinous sins. He says He forgive again, and again, and again. He loves when we turn to Him in repentance, ask His forgiveness and for His Mercy. Alhumdulliah.

    I ask you to forgive me for the crazy face smily emoticon I put on the post to represent you. I removed it. I’m sorry for not being more patient and for not having more tolerance. I pray Allah makes me a better moderator. I need more patience and tolerance.

    Most importantly, I am glad you are still here with us. I love you my sister-in-faith. What would we do here without your bubbly, cheerful posts

    As Marie said, it’s a fresh start. We all deserve a fresh start. Welcome to the blog, shabanah. {{Big hug}}}

    Oh, by the way, about the you being “young”. We all look for something to validate ourselves. You were not here when I used to refer to a co-wife, who I knew up close and personal, as being ugly. I was wrong to say it. It something I should have kept to myself. Furthermore, a person can’t help and has no control over how Allah created him or her. We all just have to keep helping one another. We have to ask Allah to help us overcome our insecurities.

    @Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You sure have a way of adding humor to the situation. You are so funny. I needed a good laugh. Thank you, Sis.

  • Marie

    January 31, 2015

    Shabanah, all I can say is WTF. I’m gob smacked. No wonder we couldn’t help you. Remember you don’t need to be in pain and lost to be here. Ok let’s start a fresh. Welcome to the blog shabanah. Is that even your real name? Lol (that was a joke)

  • Shabanah

    January 31, 2015

    Salaams ladies,

    Ana I apologise for my behaviour. I guess I was at a breaking point which is inexcusable.
    I also apologise if anyone was offended by me referring to myself as young. It wasn’t meant in a negative way. Also sorry ladies but the things I said about my husband and second co are not true. I had some issues in the past with her and it felt good for a minute to have everyone bashing her and taking my side. But I felt awful at the same time going downstairs chatting with her with this lieing guilt in my heart. That’s why you should always be truthful because one lie leads to the next until it all explodes and suddenly all the tables turned towards me. I’m not from a poor family. I can sleep with hubby anytime. When I first had my baby I didn’t stay with him at night often because babies wake up throughout the night and I didn’t want to disturb hubby so I let my other cos divide nights and I took days when he takes his nap after Asr. I don’t clean with the maid. The only thing genuine is is m husband is a respectable descendant of our holy prophet Pbuh I have two cos married seven years and we all live in the same house. My first co and I are African American and sec co was born in Trinidad but her father is I think Spanish so she is mixed. I hope you all can forgive me for the false info I gave and wasted your time and energy giving me real advise for false issues.

  • Marie

    January 31, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum All.

    Ana, I thought you hold back on some of the comments I make lol. It’s nice to know you don’t. I say exactly what I’m thinking, although I leave out the ‘do’s and don’ts’ as per the blog rules.
    I like the way ummof4 comments, I think we all have our own personalitys and ways of giving advice. It’s what makes it a good place to get advice. We don’t always like other people’s views on our situation, we can take it or leave it.

    It takes a different kind of woman to stick around. You need to put your big pants on lol.

    Id agree with Ana and Lynn that age makes no difference. Whoever our husbands marry, when they first marry we try to figure out what she has that we don’t. In my situation my co is close to 10 years older than me. In the beginning it made me feel like I wasn’t ‘woman’ enough, like he needed someone older and more mature. Nothing gets me angrier than hearing ‘yeah I felt like that at your age’ or your concerns being taken for immature behaviour. But no matter how much older I get, she will always have 10 years more ‘experience’ in life. Her kids will all be grown and hubz and her will move on to a new chapter, where as I will be living the chapter he’s just gone through with her. So she’ll always be 10 steps ahead in life.

    Gail, I missed you, glad your doing well, I really enjoyed reading your story’s about Pakistan.

    Shabanah, don’t get upset and angry with us, we can only give advice based on what we’re told, as Ana said. Sometimes we’re way off, but it’s for the individual to take or leave what we say. There’s a lot of strong opinionated women here and we’ve not always going to agree. It’s okay, we’re all on this journey called life.

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2015

    @Gail,

    It’s funny. Traysi was here, yesterday (Friday). It was nice she stopped in to let us know she is okay. Here’s a link to her comment:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/no-peace-in-polygamous-marriages/#comment-5043

    Gail, about Shabanah, I think it was a lack of communication. The information people give here is important, as no one is a mind reader. People can only give advice based on the information we receive.

    When Shabanah came here she let us know immediately that she is African American (Black)/Asian. She said nothing of what her co’s were. After she had been here for quite some time, you asked her if her cos were Pakistani. She said no and left it at that. She then said she helps the maid. I thought it unusual that an owner would help the maid. I consider her an owner as she is a wife. Then the topic of prejudice/racisism comes up and she agreed that many Pakistanis are prejudice and all the advertisements and billboards or whatever have fair skin people on them. I know this is true because you have always let us know that Pakistani love white people. Then she says her husband only gives her sex once or twice every six months. Then just the other day she says her husband hides her when other than family comes to the house. Well, it screamed prejudice, racism to me. Then when I give her my take on what the problem probably is, she tells us that the first co- wife is African. Then when I said well the first wife gave up her rights and doesn’t like the husband and he’s sleeps all the time with the second wife, I assume the second wife must be white. Then she comes and says the second wife is Trinidadian. Well, I would have thought it would be easy from jump street to say she and the other two wives are Black.

    Now, she’s got her a$$ on her shoulders, going off on me like 50 kinds of crazy, and sent me comments I can’t even post. Well, hello, we can only go on the information she gives.

    It probably boils down to he married her (out of a poor family) to help them out and he may feel ashamed to sleep with someone so young and to let others know he married someone so young.

    So, I said it. Bombard me with nasty posts, Shabanah

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2015

    Dear Gail,

    It’s so good to have you back. I missed you. You sound so happy. 🙂 I don’t find it hard at all to believe that you sold the trailer for $24,000. after having only paid $2,000.00 for it. It’s sounds you’re going to make a lot of money, Insha Allah, with the sell of trailer homes. I hope all goes well with you getting another septic placed on the land. You seem to know what you’re doing. You’ve got a really good real estate venture going there. Is could turn out to be huge for you in time. I know you’ve sacrificed quite a while. I have seen how sacrifice has paid off in my life, as well. Good things come to those who wait.

  • Gail

    January 31, 2015

    Ana,
    thank u for the compliment about liking the way i write and putting things into perspective.I looked to see if trayci came back but I didn’t see anymore post.Hopefully she will come back.Honestly I am a simple person by heart so I just say what I think and feel when it comes to blogging.

    I don’t know if I mentioned it or not but it seems My excowife is up to no good these days she is saying she is still married to hubby which is bad because knowone is going to marry her because she herself and her mom r putting doubts in people minds about her.They r always plotting and planning.I don’t know I think she has gone mental at this point.

  • Gail

    January 31, 2015

    I hope all u ladies Umoff4,Laila,Coco,Mari,Lynn,and anyone else I missed are doing well and hanging in there and doing well.

  • Gail

    January 31, 2015

    Ana,
    Hows everything going with u.I wrote Shabanah a post about my experience with Prejudice in Pakistan from what I personally had happen to me sorry the post was so long.
    I sold my trailer today and I am so HAPPPPY! You would not believe I bought that crap trailer for 2,000 dollars 9 yrs ago and I sold it today on owner finance for 24,000 dollars(just the trailer not the land) I am going tomorrow because this guy is giving away a 3 bedroom 2 bath for free as long as we move it.As long as it is not falling apart I am going to take it and put it on my property and owner finance it out as well.I also have a soil scientist coming tomorrow afternoon on the property to do a soil test for another septic system.I am keeping my fingers crossed we can put one more septic system in so I put 2 more trailers on the property.
    My next project is to buy lots and buy decent mobile homes and foundation them in and owner finance them.The going rate in my area for these types of properties is 100,000 each.I am noticing young people and single moms r jumping on my deals like crazy because I set it up with no deposit and 400 per month rent to own.
    U know I have been wanting to do this for awhile now and although I am doing with mobile homes instead of homes I am so excited to be actually doing this and I feel great about it.
    Thats pretty much what is going on with me these days.

    Mari2,
    So hubby will be leaving for Pakistan in Feb.My advice is when he leaves for marriage stay close to the blog and write out your feelings it helps so much to vent.Don’t feel bad about having bad or off days we r all human and we all have those crazy days.Polygamy is not easy and it is the hardest individual work I think u may ever do to be honest so don’t u dare beat yourself up over how u r feeling.Look at it this way it could have been much worse because u could have killed him hahahah he is still alive and walking talking breathing so no real harm done! lol

  • Lynn

    January 30, 2015

    Yup true Ana glad you brought this up. I used to post and complained about how financially unstabled my hubby was & could not believe he even thought of having another family.

    As per the following verse in Quran :

    To whoever should believe in Allah and the Last day. And whoever fears Allah – He will make for him a way out. And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent. (At-Talaq 2-3)

  • Gail

    January 30, 2015

    Shabanah,
    I am doing well I am so busy these days so it’s really hard to get to the computer.
    I was reading about your situation the best I could about your u and your cowives all being black.I get where u r coming from in the fact that your husband is obviously not prejudice or he would not have married all black woman.I think where Ana is coming from here because G.D knows I and some others have mentioned on the blog over the years that for some reason we have noticed Pakistani people being prejudice like crazy.Do they marry Black woman of course they do and please don’t take this wrong because I do not mean it wrong in any for or fashion and I am so against this myself as we are all G.D children and deserve equal respect but in my own family situation I married my husband and I am as white as u can get(If I was any whiter I would be an Albino like seriously lol) When I married my husband my Inlaws were amazed by my white milky skin and soft hair although they were perplexed by my freckles and thought I had a disease until I bust out laughing and explain to them white people have freckles(go figure) lol
    ok skip ahead 5 years and my brother inlaw ask me to find him an American woman so I did and she was mixed black and white but u could tell she had black features .When I went with her to Pakistan to marry I got the SHOCK of my life when everyone was coming up to me asking me where in the world I found her and what is she because she is not white.I got taken aback like WTF people HOW FREAKING RUDE!!
    My youngest brother inlaw actually came to me and said Gail I want a white woman for marry like u don’t fix me with black woman.At that point I was sick and upset inside thinking i screwed up because my husbands family is prejudice.
    ok now they r married and my brother inlaw starts pulling me aside to talk to me about immigration and to tell me everything his wife is telling him.Again I start thinking something is just not right here so I contact my husband who is in USA working and inform him of how his family is acting and he tells me just do what his brother is asking of me and he will be there in 2 months.
    I was upset but let it go because I had brought the girl so I wanted to make the best of it.Ok sooo he over the next month he keep pulling me aside talking acting really weird locking doors and when she would come around and catch him talking to me she started looking at me and him like we had something going on between us and I flat told him he had to knock off she is getting upset but he refused to listen to me and one night I woke up to find my brother inlaw in my room well I freaked out and from that night on I locked my doors to my room.I figured out from that night something was not right.So i call hubby and tell him i want to come back home to USA i can’t stay there in that mess and he gets angry with me telling me to stay and I said no fix my ticket or I will go to embassy and take my kids and tell them straight i am being held against my will.He says fine and tells his brother to fix mine and kids tickets.Welll long story short his brother begs me to stay and I said no and fight start between us and he said he can’t live without me please stay.I got freak out what he is talking and then his wife walks in seeing him begging me to stay and hearing him cry to me and all up on me.When she walked in I said I can’t I want to go home.He got angry and my father inlaw came in and he ask what was wrong and i said i am going home and he said NO u stay here I said nope I am going.Wellll my father inlaw start throwing and breaking stuff he got pissed.My new sister inlaw she tries to side with my inlaws I tell her to stay out of it and go to her room well she jumps up and tries to start a physical fight with me and OMG before I could do anything my brother inlaw pushed her hard away from me and she flew back into a mirror and he turned to me and told me straight just tell him and he will divorce her right there on the spot.I screamed No and my new sister inlaw was listening to all this in shock.
    From that day on she hated me and thought her husband/my brother inlaw had some illicit affair going on.She never got over it and always saw me as her enemy even I helped her so many times over the years.
    To this day I never understood why my brother inlaw acted so strange with me.I told my husband but he made excuses for his brother.Needless to say those two are divorced and that marriage didn’t work out.
    One more very strange thing I noticed is that it was some holiday and all the street woman came to our home and my MIL would not leave me alone until I came and let the guest see me.I was so shy I just hated it.My black sister inlaw(so u know who i am talking about) she was serving the ladies and doing a really nice job I was so impressed with her but as soon as I walked in the room all the woman stopped eating and start asking me questions.I didn’t mind but they ask me about USA and all about it and that my husband was very lucky man etc.. My sister inlaw was sitting there and they were ignoring her and I turned to my sister inlaw and told the girls she is also from USA and they look at her and look at me and start laughing and said nooo she is Pakistani.My sister inlaw and i start laughing but then the ladies started saying things like she doesn’t look like u and she looks like pakistani and jsut ignored her and jumped on me asking to touch my skin and hair.I was shocked but was nice with them.I turn to my sister inlaw and whispered lets get out of hear.So we get up and start walking out and my mother inlaw stops us and tells my sister inlaw to serve the guest and has me sit in a chair and eat with the ladies.Again shocked and horrified at what was happening with my sister inlaw and myself I just went with it but when my sister inlaw figured out something was not right she start cussing like crazy.She start screaming to me that she heard one of the sister inlaws(my youngest sis inlaw tell her friend that she was my friend and visiting from USA)She did not tell that oldest brother got marry to her.
    So that was my nightmare in my own crazy family with racism.I don’t think in your case since all 3 of u ladies r black that it is a problem in your family and for the life of me I don’t know why it was a problem in my family as bad as it was but it was a huge issue.
    U mentioned your second cowife is from Trinidad.With my limited Knowledge I am assuming she is also black and if that is the case and all of u r black then I doubt race is an issue in your family.
    I also know that Pakistani men do marry with Black Woman but for some strange reason they have this insane fixation on white woman.I think it Bay Watch and Pamela Anderson has something to do with their insane fixation hahahah!
    Please don’t take personal u r so Awesome and we r all here to learn and share our experiences.
    I think in your situation your second co might have a very strong personality.I don’t know much about Trinidad Woman but that would be my guess.U would know better though.
    If u feel like he is hiding u and I don’t know that u do feel that it could be that u r young and attractive and in his mind he is keeping u safe I really don’t know Pakistani men are strange.
    I think in your situation your biggest issue is the age difference to be honest.I think it is going to be something u will always have to struggle with because of him being older than u and u know Pakistani men they only see their way!lol

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2015

    @Lynn, 🙂

    I LOVE that ayah. Thanks a million for sharing it with us. ALHUMDULLIAH!!!!

    {{{HUGS TO YOU}}}}

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2015

    @Lynn,

    I remember when your husband said you would see that things would get better financially since the marriage became polygamous. I think there are lots of blessing to be had once one tries to surrender to Allah’s will, accept His decree, and try to be selfLESS. It’s all good!

  • Lynn

    January 30, 2015

    Yea Mari2 it helps a lot when you are financially independent for me at least. Hubby is just envious of me hehe but he believes all I have now are blessings from Allah. I’m thankful for everything.

    Life gets better as long you put Allah first. The pain will come and go but Allah is always there for us so just ask that He makes this trial easier for us.

  • Mari2

    January 30, 2015

    @Lynn,
    I too am financially stable MASHALLAH. And that is a HUGE help for both me and M. I will miss M. very much while he is gone. But yes I shall pamper myself as well. Spa, massages, gym work outs etc. I thank Allah each day that I arise with life and choice. MASHALLAH, HE is good to me even when I am less than perfect with myself. I am always thankful. For HIM and the ability to share with others as well.

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2015

    @Lynn, As Salaamu Alaikum

    You’ve got a nice system going there. Wives could have really nice lives once they get more acclimated to polygamy by becoming more knowledgeable about our religion (Islam) and growing nearer to Allah. Wives become less dependent on husbands and learn there is a whole other world out there to explore. It’s quite nice. Good for you.

    I was thinking about the age thing and I think it’s so very sad that it is something that drawer women apart unnecessarily. It’s understandable society in general focus on youth, but when it has Muslim men marrying children (child brides) and a younger wife thinking she’s a prize just because she is younger, it does damage to Muslims.

    Muslims are quick to go with a saying (not in Quran) that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) told men to marry young virgins so they could play with them, or something to that effect. Again, there they go, making the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) sound like a hypocrite. It’s way sad. Knowing Islam and not Hislam (his as in mankind’s Islam) is a blessing. Men have come up with a means to resort back to pre-Islamic times disguised as Islam. It’s a means for men to satisfy their lust.

  • Lynn

    January 30, 2015

    @mari2 – I used to cry a lot during my early polygamous life. Now I spend the lonely days doing what I love doing & hubby doesn’t even have to know as long I am doing the right thing. Decorating the bedroom is a must. Pampering myself with spa & then catchung up with friends over nice coffee is another thing I’d love doing when he’s away. Unlike many of you I’m luckier as I have a fixed schedule (16 : 4) and I work Monday to Friday 9am to 6pm so I don’t feel that much when he’s there during the weekdays. And I’m financially stable. I thank Allah for everything. Alhamdulillah. Allah knows I cannot take any worst than that 🙂

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2015

    @Mari2,

    Don’t beat up on yourself about lashing out at M. I’m sure he totally understands. He must hurt soooooo much knowing you hurt. He has to know you are going through a huge transition in your life and marriage, so is he.

    I admire you for your strength and fortitude. You’ve fought for your rights and spoke the truth about culture vs. Islam. You’re a one tough cookie. M is very fortunate to have a wife like you. He’s not foolish enough to risk losing you.

    Good for you that you will keep yourself busy decorating and making nice changes to your home. I know you will miss him, but the way time has been passing by, he’ll be back before you know it. You’ll probably begin liking the time with him away and just begin to get comfortable when he re-appears LOL. It’s how it works sometimes. Absence makes the heart grow founder. Insha Allah, all will be good. 🙂

  • Lynn

    January 30, 2015

    Assalammualaikum 🙂

    @ummof4 – it’s really okay my dear sister & sorry if I was being harsh. I’m sure you have lots of experiences that you can share with us. You are a strong woman I want to learn from you 🙂

    @ana my co wife Ms P is 12 years younger than me. Sometimes I’m kinda worried I’m losing the youthness but with Allah’s help and the desire to always look professionally good iage has never been an issue.

  • Mari2

    January 30, 2015

    @Ana, Shabana and others,
    Thanks for your support. This is an awesome site and I am so very glad to have others with whom I can vent to. I’ve been saving my own money lately for when M leaves in late February, I know I will need something to occupy my time and mind in addition to prayer and the Quran. The downstairs rooms of our house are currently unfurnished and un-decorated. I am currently saving my money in which to decorate the rooms. This will utilize my time well I hope. I am actually excited by the money I have been able to save and the possibilities to decorate as I see fit. I will absolutely miss M when he leaves, but the decorating in his absence possibilities/ideas leave me rather excited too.

    I will admit that I was a woefully, horrible wife to M the other night. He called just to say hello while he was on night shift and I was very mean to him. May Allah forgive me for my pettiness. While M’s culture and mother may have been the subject of my withering tirade, I lambasted him instead.

    I reacted poorly. I have much to learn. And much to ask forgiveness for. However… I am relieved in many ways that I finally spoke my mind as well.

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2015

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you very much for replying. I appreciate it and I understand you more and more the more you talk with us. You may be surprised, but I figured you had been withholding comments on what some commentators write here. Maybe others have been withholding, as well. If you believe that by doing so, you won’t be harming your soul, I’d like to hear more of what you think. Many times I feel and think I’m the only one speaking my thoughts, and being the heavy. I, too, have to learn to accept your style the same as those out there reading and writing have to understand mine. Alhumdulliah you didn’t take offense. Much love back at you, my friend

  • ummof4

    January 30, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, thank you for your kind words concerning me. Yes you’re right, at times I don’t feel as if I’m part of the group like some of the other sisters. When some group members are talking about being pregnant, having little ones running around, and having to miss salah due to menses, that is all ancient history to me. I’m dealing with grandchildren now; my children are all married with children of their own. But I do remember feeling like my husband loved my co-wife more; having to deal with the children by myself on nights that he was not there; spending the eed without him; knowing that he was on vacation with his other wife while the children and I were home. The advice that I give is just that, advice; you can take it or leave it.

  • ummof4

    January 30, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Lynn, please accept my apology for offending you and misunderstanding what you wrote.

    To everyone, I do not intentionally offend another Muslim. However, I have to call it as I see it. Many times when I comment on situations, I have already been there and done that. I try to share with others my experiences and how I managed to get to the point that I am now in my life. You would be amazed at how many times I do not comment on what people have written because my advice may be taken the wrong way. And for the record, I am a teacher by profession, so I can sound like I am lecturing or reprimanding

    I still feel young and sexy after 60+ years of living and my husband agrees.

    I love you all for the sake of Allah.

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2015

    @Traysi, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    We’re here for you. It sounds you know what to do. Things can only get better for you as long as you seek refuge in Allah and seek His guidance. Insha Allah, keep up the good work.

  • Traysi

    January 30, 2015

    As Salaam Alakium
    Thank you all for your love and support. I will continue seeking refuge in Allah and allowing HIM to guide me. I am grateful for your words of wisdom

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to all our dear friends out there in cyberspace,

    A MESSAGE:

    I think it’s important that I elaborate on the statement that I made in response to the “young, sexy and pretty” comments a couple of those here have made. I’m sure most of you here are aware that 95% of the people on this blog are in their 40’s and older. They too were young and many of them were probably sexy and pretty, as well. Many probably still are sexy and pretty. Everyone goes through a stage of being “young” in their lives. It’s nothing special that only a few experience. It’s a natural progression in life. No one remains frozen in that stage for their entire life.

    There is no need for anyone to give another the impression that she is more desirable because she is young, when quite a few of those women on this blog probably have co-wives in their 20’s. Why make those ladies here feel badly when they are trying to heal, the same as you are? Young is not better. As I’ve stated previously here, the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) who is one of our examples, wife when he was monogamous was 15 years older than he. From what I’ve read of his life, he loved her deeply and they were married 25 years. When he were polygamous only one of his wives was virgin and very young.

    I’ve written this to ask everyone to keep things in perspective and be considerate of others. A wife who is younger than her co-wife is not a better, more desirable person simply because she is young. Allah says the most honorable person in His sight is the one who is the most righteous. It is not based on age.

    Some people may take offense to my style. I am not here to tell people what they want to hear and, I’m not a therapist, just here to listen. I try to give valuable input and some people may not like it. I can’t please everyone.

  • Lynn

    January 30, 2015

    @marie you got me right at least I know that I don’t get uptight for a wrong reason.

    I was referring to the post by maidlover – I cannot imagine having to live in the same house as my co wife even if I could make use of her domestic service with no cost. I’m thankful I didnt have to witness anything hurtful.. Allah kept everything from me until the day they got married. Not seen Ms. P in person for 5-6 years. Saw her latest photo on whatsapp when she last texted me about the eid incident – she put on lil weight still pretty, but of coz I’m prettier and cuter LOL

    Hubby on the way home I’m so looking forward.

  • Lynn

    January 30, 2015

    Thanks Ana. I cannot imagine having Ms.P I the same ho

  • Marie

    January 30, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum All and good morning.

    Lynn, I didn’t see where you said you couldn’t go eid prayer without your hubz. Sometimes things don’t come across on the blog the way we intended. I thought you were saying, you carried on as normal but you and your children would have preferred your hubz being there. Also you thought the co and your hubz slighted you, but turns out they didn’t. I didn’t see anything wrong in what you stated.
    I love eid prayer, thousands of Muslims all praying together after a 30 day fast, gives good vibes. Me, hubz and co all go to the same place for eid prayer. I was a bit stressed beforehand because I don’t drive and if hubz wasn’t with me in that night I didn’t know how I would be getting there. Maybe my co would have liked/asked for my hubz to only take them. Turns out eid fell on my day, so it was all good in the end alhamdulilah. It was a wonderful day, everyone was happy except co, but that’s nothing new.

    I can see Anas point that if shabanah had said all three of them are of a similar skin tone, we could rule out racism, but at the same time, shabanah said the unfairness that we thought was taking place was not down to colour.
    It’s why I brought up age and beauty. Shabanah husband has a good reputation from what we hear. He may want to protect that by not having people think he marrys young beautiful women for sex. Not that it should matter what other people think Imo, but some people care about those things. I didn’t know if shabanah husband was one of those people, which is why I asked.

    Shabanah, I was under the impression that you didn’t get any nights (in his room) and very little sex. My bad, I may have missed something.

    Musa, sorry I thought you had problems with all of your wives, she just needs to process all of her emotions and get right with Allah. I understand your sentiments that your just trying to help as many women as Allah allows you. Unfortunately your first wife doesn’t see it that way. You do sound like a caring brother.

    You know the majority of Muslims don’t claim to be part of a sect, it’s usually others that label them that way. For example some label a Muslim on the madhab that they are familiar with. And the sunni, Shia split as it’s known in the media. Is not a divide between the Muslims, as the majority of sunni Muslims don’t regard Shia as Muslims and vice versa. It’s based on belief, if one doesn’t have the belief that makes one Muslim then there not a Muslim. It’s a divide between Muslims and non Muslims. It’s how people see it.

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2015

    Lynn,

    The brother who was here called himself “maidlover.” Here’s a link to his first post and others are on the same thread: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-october-2014-discussions/#comment-110

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2015

    @Lynn, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I agree with you. You stated, “It doesnt matter the skin colour or origin of the co-wives – dark, fair, ugly, pretty, fat, skinny coz it doesnt make it any easier.”

    You are absolutely correct. Polygamy – sharing a husband – is difficult. It’s difficult going from monogamy to polygamy and it’s difficult for a woman to not have monogamy and go directly into polygamy. It’s even more difficult when cultural crap is thrown in on top of it or when a wife is kept like a dirty little secret or a mistress or not given her right because one wife is selfish and has a tight leash on the husband etc.

    We come here and we talk about the problems that exist with it and we try find a solutions to help make it easier. Mari2, for instance, has identified the problem with her husband. It’s cultural. Her husband believes he has to obey his mother, and go home to Pakistan to marry the cousin. It’s quite the norm in Pakistan. Does she condone it and make excuses for her husband. NO! She faces the facts and sees things as they are. She sees the reality of what is going on with the person whom she is married to. She recognizes a wrong.

    Shabanah on the other hand, comes her telling us that her husband, an older man marries her when she was 15 or 16 years old and, over time, in their several years of marriage, has only fulfilled her right to intimacy sporadically, but sleeps with the favorite wife nightly, and hides Shabanah when guests come. When people try to help her figure out what the problem is and whether there is a solution, she tells us that he is not the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), which of course everyone knows he is not. She made sure to tell us how important he supposedly is as he supposedly descended from the Prophet Muhammad (PBHU) and is held in honor by people. It doesn’t excuse her husband from right conduct. Then she says she is young, sexy and pretty. Well, heck, so what? Every woman one time or another was young. Big whip. I was young, sexy and pretty. I may not be as young as I was, but I’m still sexy and pretty; so what? One day she sooner than later, she, too won’t be young. She may not be sexy and pretty anymore later or she may. Allah knows best. It doesn’t make her or anyone else boasting about their youth and beauty any better than another wife who is here trying to cope with a polygamous lifestyle. Everyone if they live long enough will move away from young. How is it helping Shabanah with her marriage? Her husband isn’t banging down her door trying to get with her? So, what is the problem. We try to help her figure it out and then she begins to feed us bits and pieces of the puzzle that she kept from us for whatever reason. Heck, we’re just trying to help her out. It’s what we do here.

    It’s 4:05 a.m. where I am. Insha Allah, I’m going back to bed now. Insha Allah, chat with you and everyone later.

    As you said Lynn, polygamy is not easy whether one is “dark, fair, ugly, pretty, fat, skinny coz it doesnt make it any easier.” We’re only tying to help one another out here.

  • Lynn

    January 30, 2015

    @Shabanah – Ms. P (my co) is from Indonesia and she is living in Batam Island (part of Indonesia) an hour by ferry from Singapore where I lived 🙂

    It doesnt matter the skin colour or origin of the co-wives – dark, fair, ugly, pretty, fat, skinny coz it doesnt make it any easier.

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    Musa, Wa Alaikum As Salaamu,

    Lovely post you wrote. It was very touching. Thank you for your kind words. Sorry I gave you 4 wives and not the 3 you have LOL

    Musa, I overlook your wife’s shortcomings. come on, we have all got them. Some have seen some of mine here on the blog when as Marie said I went “10 kinds of crazy” Lol. Now, I only go about 2 kinds 🙂 No one on the planet is perfect. We live it (life) and learn it as we go along.

    Just continue to be patient, kind and just with all your wives and, Insha Allah, things will get easier for you and them. Give your first wife some breathing room and space. She needs some time. She’ll come to accept polygamy in Allah’s time. Things don’t always happen as quickly as we’d like them to. You seem to me to be a good person who only wants to do good. I don’t question your reason for being in a polygamous marriage. We know you’re in it, which means, it’s what Allah wants for you. I pray Allah is well pleased with you and all your intent and efforts.

    Brother, I intend to keep the blog open; although at times I’m like, I dunno (I’m chuckling). I agree with you that we need one another. We need to support one another. Only Allah is One. Polygamy and monogamy, are both good. Our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) lived them both. If any of us are in polygamous marriages, it’s because Allah our God has placed us in it, for whatever reason. Allah knows best. I’ll make duah for you and your family and I ask you remember me in your duahs, as well. I look forward to chatting with you again soon, Insha Allah. Peace, my brother.

  • Musa

    January 29, 2015

    Asa Sister Ana and sisters shokron for the advice for the record I have 3 wives only and I understand what you covered Sister Ana please sister over look my wife short comings I pray she understand how much you put into this and you are doing a great good don’t stop we need you and I need you to continue to inform the Ummah about how we need each other as Muslims in marriage. I love polygamy because I love Muslims and Islam. Allah’s word is my life. Believe me I think very deep before I make moves. My wife is the only one in the family that doesn’t like it, but what should I do but Try to be patient. I try to be kind and just to everyone but all I can do is be fair I pray Allah be pleased with my endeavor to my wives I’m the the type of brother who don’t agree with sisters being the Dunya with no husband, for a safeguard in this Dunya it’s what I beelieve we must do as muslim men to love and protect our beatiful women and a lot don’t care and hate it but it is a war on our Ummah and our women is the target thru many ways, t v, radio, internet it’s true so you don’t have to agree with me but this is why I chose to participate with polygamy and put up with some bad attitudes sometimes but it’s life at the end if the day I Love my wife and wives regardless I can see the bugger picture even when they can’t or any muslim who isn’t in agreement with Allah’s decree about Polygamy. We need each other and must love one another holding on the rope of Allah toghter and not dividing. Make duah for me and my family. Asa

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    I think we just have to be careful with some of what we say. For instance, it may rub some the wrong way if someone was to come onto the blog and say, make sure you make it to back slashing on Ali’s (Prophet Muhammad’s son-in-law’s) birthday. Not everyone does the same thing. Although Allah says don’t break our religion up into sects, most Muslims on the planet do it.

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    @Lynn,

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam, I basically was saying ummof4 made a good point. I hadn’t looked at it from the perspective that she mentioned. After I re-read what she wrote, I realized what she was saying and I think she’s correct that – yes – when in a polygamous marriage a wife is going to have to do things without the husband when he’s unable to do what he INTENDS.There will be times that wives get let down. A husband could promise all he wants, but the outcome is going to be what Allah brings to fruition.

    You may not be there yet in doing it and it’s okay. I never said I thought you were wrong or should have done things differently. I don’t believe in shouldah, couldah, wouldha, because things could not have been other than what they were – what it turned out to be. Everything happened that day as Allah decreed it. We can always learn lessons from what happens.

    Perhaps Ummof4’s style can rub some people the wrong way. I sometimes have issues with her writings in that I feel there are a lot of dos and don’ts that I can’t really get with. I know she means well. She just comes across to me as stopping into lecture or reprimand and it doesn’t feel she’s apart of the group like really connecting. I probably didn’t explain it as well as I’d like.

    I don’t attend Eid pray and never have in the 29 years that I’ve been Muslim. I don’t intend to attend it in the future. Allah knows best whether I will or not. I don’t believe I have to attend Eid prayer, as Allah never said in the Holy Quran that anyone has to. I know Sunni Muslims follow what they call the Sunnah (Hadiths). I’m not a Sunni Muslim. I’m simply a Muslim who follows the Holy Quran, which was the way of life of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) because Allah revealed the Quran to him and he lived it. With it said, we all have different styles. I think it’s best we speak up about it, as you did Lynn. This way maybe we could come to a friendly understanding and find a way to not rub one another the wrong way, Insha Allah.

  • Lynn

    January 29, 2015

    Assalammualaikum 🙂

    I just cant do it Ana. Not yet for now. I know Allah would be very pleased with me if I was more accepting. But seriously I havent come to a stage of full acceptance whereby I would just allow hubby happily celebrated first day Eid with her when he promised to spend the day with us. You see – most of the decisions on the schedule and maintenance etc were made by hubby. He always feel he knows what hes doing. Stick to the schedule and promises – thats all I was asking for. If he thought we were being unreasonable he would not have felt so bad and Ms. P would not be given the cold/silent treatment.

    And my dear Ummof4 – fyi we do not need hubby around to solat or fast. Its our responsibility as a Muslim. Your statement is beyond my understanding and definitely not needed.

  • Shabanah

    January 29, 2015

    Plus the second co said she wasn’t known when she first married the hubs years ago she’s also much younger then him so nothing more to be said on the topic.

  • Shabanah

    January 29, 2015

    The majority of my husbands kids are darker then myself his siblings. Still think he’s racist or ashamed of my lineage. Why would he marry me if so. If he wanted a personal slave there are billions of them roaming the streets as we speak

  • Shabanah

    January 29, 2015

    @ana as salaamu alaikum. I mentioned earlier my husband is not the Prophet Muhammad Pbuh only because you kept comparing him to our prophet Pbuh. Secondly I didn’t mention descriptions of my other co’s because I’m here about me. The only thing we know of Lynn’s co is that she’s from Singapore. Does it make a difference if my cos are black white puertorican Malaysian or American. For the millionth time my husband is not prejudice. I mentioned weeks ago sometimes I speak on topics that happened years ago it’s not necessarily happening now. My husband slowly introduced me to his non immediate family. They all know me now. Y’all can think whatever but I know the Pakistani culture. It has nothing to do with being black. It’s the age difference as coco mentioned she’s here she understands. The majority of Pakistan is dark skin not fair in complextion like me. If u all insist to know my first co married hubs when he was married. So we all married into polygamy.

    An update as to what’s happening right now in my life:
    I know all of my husbands family and they know me. And I sleep in his bedroom every three days. And I NEVER said he makes me clean his bedroom to meditate that out of your minds. I say one little thing and everyone feeds off of it and beats it way out of proportion. I’ll reply to you later Marie inshaAllah my head is now spinning

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    Ummof4 made a very good point about Lynn and the situation she encountered during the Eid Holiday. Imagine had Lynn carried on with her children the way they normally had done in the past, but this time only without her husband. Perhaps Allah would have been well pleased with her that she accepted the condition and situation as it was, and just went with it. We have to improvise at times, as things will not always go the way we plan them, but will go the way Allah plans it.

    We live it and we learn it. We’re all living and learning it. The more I think about all that we discuss here and contemplate it, it helps me, and helps make me a better person. It’s one of the reasons I love this blog. The more I’m here on this blog talking to all the like minded people I love, the more I remember Allah and I pray grow in faith. I love you guys XXOO {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    A wife may ask, how can I change what is in my heart when I don’t have control?

    We need to know that although we don’t make things happen and control things, we carry out our lives as though we do make things happen and we control things. The whole while we should know we don’t make things happen and control thing. It’s all an illusion.

    It’s not fatalism in that we just live and let things happen. Only Allah knows what He has written for us. So as we don’t know what He has written for us, we just go about life with intentions and do what comes naturally. All along we are carrying out Allah’s Will.

    A believer will try to do all that Allah instructs us in the Holy Quran, but understands that all that Allah has written is being carried out by us. The decisions and choices we make are what Allah has written for us to choose and decide. It’s quite heavy and deep, but really not complicated.

    Take a look at one of the battles Quran: Surah 8, ayah 17 Allah says:

    “It is not ye who slew them; it was Allah: when thou threwest (a handful of dust), it was not thy act, but Allah’s: in order that He might test the Believers by a gracious trial from Himself: for Allah is He Who heareth and knoweth (all things).”

    Allah is all Powerful and more and the Doer of what He Wills. It takes time and a lot of contemplation to get it. We have to stop being so full of ourselves and humble ourselves to Allah.

    A person changes what is in her heart by wanting to obey Allah and worship Him. She wants to accept all that is in the Holy Quran. She wants not to will accept as Allah wills. She wants to submit her will to Allah so that she no longer has a will.

    A woman who hates polygamy, doesn’t want the lifestyle, is angry and bitter towards her husband, treats him badly because she thinks he wronged her by taking another wife, can sit and pray till the cows come home and think a miracle will happen that she will no longer be in pain and will be happy, but it won’t happen. She’s got the wrong attitude. Her heart is rusty, dark and dirty. She’s got to get her heart right and change her attitude. She rejects Allah and His decisions. It’s not her husband and polygamy that she rejects. It’s serious.

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    @Shabanah,

    You said your husband had several wives that he divorced. Is the 1st African wife and second Trinidadian wife wives now or once upon a time?
    It’s strange that you have been on the blog all this time and we’re just suddenly bit by bit hearing all your co-wives are black. I’m just saying.

    How do people expect to get good advice when they aren’t forthcoming?

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    Marie,

    You said a mouth full. You are absolutely correct. Allah will not change our condition until we change what is in our hearts. We just can’t sit and wait and pray for a change and think it’s all it takes.

  • Marie

    January 29, 2015

    If shabanah is hidden from certain outsiders then they don’t know shabanah is young and beautiful. Shabanah knows when her hubz and second co are getting down due to the door being shut/locked so the other wives would know and I think shabanah said some other family members live with her, her hubz and the other wives.

    I don’t know why a man wouldn’t act on his lawful outlet. And unless I missed something shabanah doesn’t know either.

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    this crazy phone wont correct.a man can marry a woman for any reason. And how would an outsider know what is happening in his home and in his bedroom?

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    why wouldn’t a man act on his lawful outlet when he has a young beautiful and sexy wife?

  • Marie

    January 29, 2015

    Shabanah, do you think your hubz ‘hides’ you and sleeps in the same bed as your second co more often, so that other people (other wives, family ect) don’t think he married you for sexual reason, because your young, pretty and sexy. Maybe even so you don’t feel like he married you for your youth and beauty. Do you think he’s pre empting.

    Just a thought.

  • Marie

    January 29, 2015

    I was thinking about what musa wife said about waiting patiently on our Lord. Muslims say it often enough. Are Muslims waiting patiently for the situation to change to what they want or waiting to see the blessings from the situation they are in.

    What I’m trying to say is. Do Muslims put restrictions on what they will accept as ‘good’ and until things go the way they planned, they are still waiting patiently because they can’t see the good in what they have been given.

    Don’t know if I got that across properly.

    Ana, passive aggressive. Sounds plausible. I guess we can only guess what the people who are not here are thinking. From what musa said, it seems he is just putting up with it, even though it’s what he wanted. Maybe there all just putting up, waiting for one another to change instead of changing themselves. Allah won’t change the situation till they change what’s in themselves.

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    Maybe the wife Musa married first is similar to the wife Shabanah’s husband married first. Shabanah’s husband has three wives. I think Musa has four. Some wives who married first feel put upon by polygamy as they never wanted it to begin with and they refuse to accept it; although they remain in the marriages. They feel remaining in the marriage is a form of acceptance, but it may be that they believe they have no way out. It’s what is known as passive/aggressive, perhaps.

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone

    I’m writing this in a hurry as I’ve got to run out and take care of some matters. I just want to mention that it’s an excuse we hear often from wives – that their husband is not the Prophet. Well, hello, somebody has got some serious mental issues if she thinks her husband is the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) because we in Islam certainly don’t believe in reincarnation.

    Our husbands don’t have to be the prophets, any of them, as Allah speaks of many of them in the Holy Quran, not just the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). Allah tells us all about all of them and that each and everyone of them are our examples. They are not just fairytales or something to be read to past-time. We are to learn from those stories and try to live our lives according to them. So, for anyone to use the excuse that our husbands aren’t the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) it’s a cop out.

    I never wanted my husband to be the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). I only want him to serve and worship Allah the way He instructs us to, according to the Holy Quran, so he has an opportunity to enter Jannah/Paradise. I want his and my home to continue to be one in which we have peace and we continue to live together in peace and tranquility. I never throw in his face to be like the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). I emphasize that we should live the Quran to the best of our ability. The Quran is more than just the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). Islam is more than just about marriage.

    @Marie,

    You may be correct that Musa’s wife is not listening to anything he throws at her. Some people who reject polygamy don’t want to hear anything that is pro-polygamy.

  • Marie

    January 29, 2015

    Musa, iv been thinking about what you said. I understand you want your wife to find peace. You said you try to explain to your wives what we speak of here. Yes, it’s true that for many of us we have found peace in our lives, but it wasn’t always that way. For many of us our old beliefs, wants and desires never went down without a fight. It took some of us years to get where we are today, there’s no overnight fix as others here gave said. We recommend a book here which is at the bottom of the page. She has realised that you cannot help her and the help will Insha’allah come from Allah. At the moment she blames you. Imo, I think she’s scared to admit that Allah decrees all. not being happy in a situation and knowing Allah willed this for you, means your faith takes a beating because your far from where you want and need to be. Insha’allah, He will bring your wife to submission. Submission to Allah is a great blessing that we all need.

    Don’t forget musa, that their are lessons for all in life. Maybe you have something to learn and it’s not just your wives. If all four of them have a problem it brings me to think their is a problem with you. Really? Are all these women crazy or are you doing something wrong.

    Ana says it often enough. Polygany is a blessing for some and a curse for others.

  • Shabanah

    January 29, 2015

    Lynn you are too funny. You are ready for your man. Get what’s yours hunni.

  • ummof4

    January 29, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Lynn, I am glad that your husband was telling the truth about coming late for the eid. However, it is important that any man’s wives and children put Allah first. Attending the eid salah is important for all Muslims, young and old alike. Going to the eid salah without your husband may have made you a little sad, but it would be teaching your children that all acts of worship are important and don’t depend on their father’s presence. I am sure that you still make salah and fast if your husband is not at home with you. Just a reminder, that’s all.

    To all the blog members, our acts of worship are individual and do not depend on our husbands or religious leaders. Each individual has to make salah, pay zakah, do the sawm of Ramadan, go on hajj(if we meet the conditions for these acts of worship). We have to make sure that we learn Islam and practice it for our own souls.

    Everyone have a good day striving to serve Allah in the way He has ordered us to.

    P.S. Yes, Shabanah, you are in big trouble for telling so much about the movie. Don’t do it again. Coco, you’re in the clear! Whew!

  • Marie

    January 29, 2015

    @Ana, I forgot to mention I do know the song “make this a night to remember” I’m an old soul really. I love etta James, Carol Thompson ect. Although etta James is a bit depressing, I warn you all don’t listen to some of those songs the day after your husband marries again lol.

    “Hammer time” you’ve got me dancing round my kitchen again, like you did with “what’s love got to do with it” lol sleep well Insha’allah.

  • Marie

    January 29, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum All,

    Fell asleep real quick last night so didn’t blog and didn’t even watch a movie. I planned to watch “Still alice” but my bed was calling me lol. Hubz looked sad again to leave. We’ve decided not to mention how I don’t want him to go and he doesn’t want to, I don’t think it’s fair on co and besides I don’t want to get any happiness out of being preferred. I do want to reach out to her and share some of what we speak about on the blog, but she will only think I’m trying to hurt her or act better than her. She’s real defensive. I can only make dua that she will find peace Insha’allah.

    @Ana, I don’t think musa wife disregarded your article because you are a ‘made woman’ or because you didn’t quote quran. I think she disregards everything that comes out of musa mouth. I doubt this is the first time musa has shoved an article, story ect in her face. It looks to me that she has told musa on many occasions that she is turning to Allah and has no need for his ‘help’. I think they do a back and forth throwing ayat and hadith at each other without actually listening. It appears to be a common problem in both monogamous and polyganous marriages. The wife wants a husband like the prophet, and the husband wants a wife /wives like the prophets wives. I don’t know when people will realise we (any of us) are not the prophet or his wives.

    @musa, here is what I’m hearing from your wife ” leave me alone and stop selling me YOUR dream” it may sound harsh but I think your wife thinks your a fool. It appears she thinks you wasn’t handling two wives and went out and got yourself two more. Not only that, now you want them all in the same house, when your not dealing very well with them separately. I don’t think she thinks she’s above the other wives because you and she have another marriage contract, she brought that up because you keep bombarding her with the same ayat about fairness and she is showing you how it is not fair, In her opinion. My advice is to stop trying to turn your wife into what you want her to be, it’s hurting her and it’s making her angry. Your turning your marriage into a war. I don’t think your wife rejects polygamy, I think she rejects how you are dealing it. Just give her some space and let her move at her own pace, don’t force it musa. I’m sure you heard the hadith about what happens to a rib when you force it straight, IT BREAKS. Don’t break your wife. Allah is the healer.

  • Lynn

    January 29, 2015

    I am so anxious to know which brother in faith you are referring to? How he ended up falling in love with the maid. Oh i forgot .. Allah place love and mercy between our hearts. It just happened – that’s what hubby used to say 🙂

    It will another lonely night again tonite and like you Ana i am “excused” from prayers. Sometimes I just feel lucky to be in this “red light” situation when he’s there 😛 hahahah I will be all clean and ready for him when he comes back to me this weekend.

    Sleep tight my dear Ana. Talk to you soon.

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    That baby face (avatar), cracks me up every time I see it. Okay. It’s after 3:00 a.m., I’m going to pop a movie in the player and, Insha Allah, go to sleep on it.

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    @Shabanah,

    It’s all good!

    @Lynn, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    This blog isn’t for only lost, painful souls LOL. This blog is for those who have got it going on. We know what time it is (No, Marie, not Hammer time LOL – I had to throw that one in)

    I really think those who stay with this blog have got something special. I think they either know the Truth or are on their way to knowing it. It takes a special person to be here – someone who has got something on the cap – a person with a good head on his or her shoulder. It could get a little tense here at times, but it’s okay. We know how to mellow out when need be.

    You made me laugh out loud when you said, you’re quite sure your hubby doesn’t want people to know he married the maid. I guess it would cause for some embarrassment.

    There was a brother-in-faith here who was going to marry his maid. He made his intent and let his wife know. He may have done it by now. Allah knows best. He wanted me to see if I could find the post I had written about men who married the maid. I don’t have a copy.

  • Lynn

    January 29, 2015

    Hmmm I didnt know this blog is only for lost and painful souls 🙁

    Many subsquent wives out there are secret wives or they started off secret before the truth unfold. Even Ms. P is a secret wife. She has a husband when he’s there and she doesnt have much connection with my hubby’s big family. Maybe they didnt want to hurt me and kids. And I am quite sure my hubby doesnt want people to know he married our maid. Coz whenever he’s not in Singapore he prefers to tell relatives/friends that he is on business trip. Why ? Only Allah knows.

  • Shabanah

    January 29, 2015

    You’re not wrong you just have a different opinion and that’s okay. Good night

  • Shabanah

    January 29, 2015

    The comments are all over but okay. Allah knows what’s truely in someone’s heart we can only assume. That just might be the case but it may not. I’d like to put the best construction on the situation.

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    Good I’m wrong then. I am glad you’re happy. Anyhow, it’s 2:30 a.m. where I am. I’m going to call it a morning and chill out; although I’m wide awake. Insha Allah, I’ll chat with you later. I’m unable to offer salat so I’ll approve comments whenever I awake, not necessarily Fajr time. As Salaamu Alaikum 🙂

  • Shabanah

    January 29, 2015

    There is no one in the universe like our prophet Pbuh he was perfect y husband is not. I’m not offended by your difference of opinion. I have the biggest grin on my face because you are way off base

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    @Shabanah,

    I was just letting you know how I see it based on the facts you revealed to us. You had said he wasn’t giving you your rights; you were helping the maid and cleaning up after the second wife and your husband (their marital bed); he sleeps with her practically every night; now were hearing he hides you. It makes me say something is wrong with this picture, but you know the saying, when you are in the picture, you can’t see the picture.

    Anyhow, forget about it and let’s move on. This is going no place good, really fast.

  • Shabanah

    January 29, 2015

    And second co is Trinidadian

  • Shabanah

    January 29, 2015

    That still does not make someone racist. I never not once read in any of your posts in the secret wife discussion of a husband being racist because they are a secret wife. If anything the reciever guest and non immediate family members are racist not the caller which is my husband who married me to start with

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    I’m sure there must be others reading here. If I’m out to lunch and way off base, just tell me so, and I’ll back up.

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    Shabanah,

    I’m assuming the second wife who is the favorite wife and sleeps with him just about every night is not Black. You said the woman he married first is Black. You said as well that she is wife in name only and has given away all her rights. Why does she dislike him so??? I’m not trying to anger you or upset you. I just want you to put on your thinking cap. You give this man accolades and praise and he’s next to royalty, so you’ve said in not so many words – I’m just saying – it doesn’t add up.

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    Shabanah,

    What doesn’t add up is that you say your husband is a respectable Sheik, yet he hides his wife. He doesn’t try to do what right with regard to just and fairness (with regard to all of mankind), not just wives, but were talking here now about you as his wife and you are all in the same house. I’m not trying to be adversarial with you Shabanah. Wives are not to be hidden. What should he care what those people think, if he’s doing right? Did the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) hide his young, virgin wife, Aishah?

  • Shabanah

    January 29, 2015

    Believe what you want but I just don’t agree. My first co is black too. One hundred percent African. You saw my picture she’s a total different complextion and despite all her problems with the hubs he shows her off to his family and guest and they are receptive. Why would my hubs put a ring on it if he was ashamed. It doesn’t add up

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    @Shabanah,

    I’m not saying Musa’s wives are not welcome here. Even if they blog anonymously, they’d know who one another is from the stories. I just don’t think his wife who married first would want to be here based on what she wrote to Musa. I’m sure Musa has informed her that he’s been here and he’s shared info with her that he’s received from here. She has rejected it.

    Some women think they are accepting polygamy by simply staying in the marriage and not divorcing. They may hate polygamy and suffer in pain, but think they are doing something worthy and good. It is NOT acceptance. It is TOLERANCE. I began this blog because I didn’t just want to tolerate polygamy. I want to accept polygamy with enthusiasm. I want to accept with enthusiasm everything that is in the Holy Quran. I want to love it and have it become a part of my soul. It’s when Allah love us and disposes of all our affairs towards comfort and ease. Allah doesn’t just love a person because the person is Muslim. Allah loves those who obey and worship him with the fullest conviction, and give Him full time worship, not part-time worship. We have to earn Allah’s love.

  • Shabanah

    January 29, 2015

    Gail where are you love? I pray all is well with you and your family.

  • Shabanah

    January 29, 2015

    @ana just throwing it out there. If someone has already accepted polygamy and is on the best of terms then why be here. You come here when you are lost and in pain. But it’s okay.
    On another note I’m reading all the comments about getting along with the co. Maybe it’s different when each co has their own dwellings as opposed to living under the same roof. My hubs always makes us go places together etc when she’s the last person I want to see everyday but I was made to think that’s not the Islamic way. It’s like I’m married to her against my will. Not literally I hope y’all don’t get it twisted but literally my first child my second co came with me to my first ultrasound I was so embarrassed and felt invaded and my second baby she came to one of my appointments but she stayed in the car. I’m so private so I reAlly felt violated. I try to get along with her now to avoid arguments with the hubs but I hate her and it’s fake. I’m sure she knows it. But reading these comments teaches me I don’t have to like her nor is it incumbent upon me to fake it. Hate is hate. No grey area

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2015

    @Shabanah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Your husband hides you because you are Black. It doesn’t matter that you are Black/Asian. It equates to Black. Watch the movie, “Belle”.

    Racial discrimination has been a problem, and existed during the time of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). Read the history of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH).

    Furthermore, an acquaintance sent me the following:

    “Once I was conversing with Bilal. Our conversation gave way to a dispute. Angry with him, the following insult burst from my mouth: ‘You cannot comprehend this, O son of a black woman!’

    As Islam expressly forbade all kinds of racial, tribal and colour discrimination, Bilal was both upset and greatly angered.

    A while later a man came and told me that the Messenger of God, upon him be peace and blessings, summoned me. I went to him immediately. He said to me:

    ‘I have been informed that you addressed Bilal as the son of a black woman.’

    I was deeply ashamed and could say nothing. God’s Messenger continued his reprimand: ‘This means you still retain the standards and judgements of the pre-Islamic days of ignorance. Islam has eradicated all those false standards or measures judging people by blood, fame, colour or wealth. It has established that the best and most honourable of men is he who is the most pious and upright in conduct. Is it right to defame a believer just because he is black?”

    Here’s a link to the above: http://www.thewaytotruth.org/stories/colorandrace.html

    Your husband is not being forthright with you.

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2015

    Lynn, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I share your sentiments completely. When I first was learning about polygamy, I wasn’t quite sure whether the wives needed to be friends. I used to think that to accept polygamy meant to accept a husband’s other wife. I now know with certainty that it is not the case. I know who Allah tells us to befriend and who not to befriend. He says nothing about accepting a woman just because one’s husband is married to her.

    I understand that to return greetings, to be kind, just and cordial is a must regardless of who the person is with the exceptions that I mentioned in a previous post (at war, someone fight us for our faith). Allah clearly tells us not to let those into our intimacy who are outside our ranks. There is so much written in the Quran about friends/friendship. Allah tells us who to make our friends and who not to make our friends. Many co-wives or of different ranks (if Muslim – there is a difference between a Muslim and a Muslim/believer) and some husbands are married to non-Muslims.

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2015

    @Shabanah,

    Okay, if you think so. We all are entitled to our thoughts. I just don’t think she’s ready. When those are ready who truly want to accept polygamy in their hearts because it’s a way of life that Allah has made available for Believers, they tend to be directed here and want to be here.

  • Lynn

    January 28, 2015

    Assalammualaikum 🙂

    On the earlier years, hubby tried very hard to make us BFF but it didnt work. He even asked her to text me once a while asking about well-being etc and wishing me during eid etc etc – it sounded so fake and i didnt take it positive. As long we dont fight and start sending nasty messages to hurt one another its good enough for him. It has been 4 years, we have never met or spoken on the phone. She did not have the guts to do it and as for me I am worried I would just burst into tears. I used to care for her. I’d rather she just leave me & kids alone. We live a separate life.

  • Shabanah

    January 28, 2015

    @ana they would use anonymous names with that I didn’t think they’d know who is who. Many men have four wives.

  • Shabanah

    January 28, 2015

    Mari2 you are a spectacular woman and I admire you for that. Pakistanis have a lot of cultural bull crap beliefs. I’m kinda a secret wife in a way. Sometimes when we have guest my hubby advises me not to meet them because they don’t believe in a man being so much older than his wife. They barely accepted the second but if they see he is married to a young sexy woman like myself the wives wouldn’t allow their husbands to come over being afraid their husbands would be in search for the same well something similar because let’s face it I’m one of a kind lol. But I don’t mind they are older anyway I would have nothing to talk with them about anyway but I know his immediate family members and they’re nice to me and very receptive. It’s the culture not them.
    Anyway mari2 I wish you the best of luck with your entire situation. Everyone just can’t seem to be able to follow our Holy Prophet Pbuh and honour and respect women and be proud enough to shout it to the world that mari2 is my FIRST WIFE.

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2015

    @Sis Shabanah,

    I think it may not be a good idea for them to come here, if brother Musa is going to continue to seek advice here. His first wife has already said I am a “made woman”, what ever that is, and she says she makes choices and she decides and believes everyone makes choices and they decide (mini gods), so she won’t hear a word I say and I won’t waste my breath on someone who Allah clearly has not made to see. As Sis Marie, REMINDED ME, no one can give anyone else understanding. When someone is so opposed to polygamy they seek validation in how they feel. I used to be one of those people, years ago. She’ not ready. Musa has four wives. The last thing we need here are four women who are co-wives to one another. Are you temporarily insane???

  • Shabanah

    January 28, 2015

    Brother musa I advise you to have more patience with your wives. I don’t get the feeling your first wife is an anti polygamist. It was probably thrust upon her and she’s feeling all types of emotions and just doesn’t know how or where to direct her anger and pain. It seems like you are trying to bring them all together which is not mandatory for them. Like Ana said try treating your marriages with each wife like its a monogamous one. Leave your ego and say so about the other wife at the door. It takes quite a toll on a wife with a polygamous husband. Control your anger at all times be extra patient with your wives and show immeasurable love as they go through this transition. Love conquers all.
    What do you all think if musa refers all his wives to this blog? They just need some guidance that’s all and to hear from other people who went through it and is going through it and who will be going through it. It can be our way of giving back. Our way of showing thanks to Allah for this wonderful support system He put in place.

  • Ruqayyah

    January 28, 2015

    @Musa, I encourage you to think carefully about what your wife is saying. Are you fair? Do you treat her with kindness? Do you have anger issues? Have you treated her with more love in order to help her accept?
    It’s so easy to point the finger at others when faced with a problem, try to see if there is any truth to anything she is saying. If she see’s you are trying to make her happy then she may find it easier to accept. Whereas if she see’s that yo are doing what pleases you with little concern to how she feels unless she acts the way you want then she will fight tooth and nail. Well at least thats how my husband did it for me, he showed me kindness after kindness, he has tried numerous times to ease my hurt and takes seriously what I say. It’s difficult but really, sometimes you men do act like a grown child lol, take a breath, and try again. Try to study with your wife and make dua for her rather than pointing out what she is doing wrong the more she studies perhaps the revelations will come from her own self rather than feeling forced into yet another thing she doesn’t want by you. For some women its easier to grow when your husband leaves you be and lets you focus on fixing things yourself, of course always being there to support and reassure you. I don’t know it’s very difficult as we don’t know the entire situation

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2015

    @Mari2,

    My dear sister, I am with you 100%. I’m with you all the way. I think you are totally right in your thinking and how you intend to handle matters. I’m so tired of cultural bullcrap that people associate with Islam. Sometimes I ask myself what the heck I’m doing on this blog (all I read and hear). But, something keeps me going here, and I can only attribute it to Allah swt.

    Mari2, I’m rooting for you. We’re here for you, Sis, if you just want to vent, let off steam or whatever you want to call it. Those people have got some nerves, meaning they’ve got a lot of balls – I just had to say it while shaking my head…

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2015

    @Musa, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Brother, correct me if I’m wrong. Based on what your wife wrote, it sounds to me that you may be putting pressure on your wives to get along with one another. She mentioned that you want them to all live under one roof together. I, as a woman and a wife, wouldn’t touch that with a ten foot pole. Some wives all live together. It’s okay. It’s not for me. Maybe they can do it and if they’re doing it, it’s because Allah decreed it for them for whatever reason.

    Your wives don’t have to get along with one another; they don’t have to like one another and they certainly shouldn’t be forced to live together. If wives are all believers -believe in EVERYTHING in the Holy Quran and try to live it, they would bond with one another and like one another. The wives who aren’t believers, but are all Muslims should be cordial, kind and just to one another. It’s all. So, if you’re trying to get them to like one another, I’d suggest you stop. Let their friendship happen naturally, if it’s going to happen at all. Allah can make friends out of enemies. Who know what Allah has determined for tomorrow.

    Your wife says all the right things – that she’s going to turn to Allah and Allah will take care of her. This is true IF she worships and serve Allah as He instructs us and she BELIEVES and try to live all that is in the Holy Quran. Base on her believing she is equal to God and has power and makes decisions, she has got a wrong belief. So she’s got some serious issues. As long as people have the wrong belief or no belief they will have difficult times. Your wife believes in herself.

    I’d suggest to you that you try to live your life individually with each wife, not collectively. Try to live each marriage as though each one of your marriages is a monogamous marriage. Don’t try to bring the wives together, and don’t talk to the one wife about the other.

    If the problems you are having has to do with a wife treating you badly because you are polygamous, you could do a number of things all spoken of in the Holy Quran. You could do as Allah says in Surah 4, ayah 34; or take a four month oath of abstention – Surah 2, 226; or divorce; or the wife could give up her rights. Those are things you could do with the help and permission of Allah. You need to seek Allah’s guidance.

    If your wife is giving you her butt to kiss, STOP kissing it. No one likes a butt kisser. If you chase something, it will run from you. If you run from it, it would chase you. Put her on ignore and keep it moving.

  • Mari2

    January 28, 2015

    Bro. Musa,

    Wow And some very good points by your wife who wrote the letter to you. Especially with regard to dealing with the issues of other wives. Apparently she didn’t ask for other wives. Polygamy is very much put upon men. How can men then turn around and expect a wife to do the “raising” of another she didn’t ask for? The burden of wives does land clearly on the yokes of men. It is a test for you and for her. However, be careful not to send what should be your duty onto your wife/wives.

    M. (my husband) will return to Pakistan soon to marry his cousin/wife/girl. I already did my duty to support and care for his mother while she was here for many months. My MIL knows of our marriage, but despite her threats to M. to expose his marriage to me to his uncle, she has kept silent and gone ahead with the charade that cousin girl will be the only wife of M. That is her prerogative. And M will gallivant into Pakistan next month and pretend I do not exist. Fine. But when it all boils down to whether or not I am required to open my home to MIL (again) or unbeknownst to her, “second wife”, when they plop back into the USA, my answer is NO. They are not welcome here. And I really don’t care how my husband will play the excuses or threats, but you know what? He, my husband is NOT my LORD, and I owe everything to Allah and nothing to M. or his mother. Polygamy does NOT equal mental/sexual/cultural slavery. And NO woman has to agree or adhere to it. I am fine with honest polygamy. But that honesty must exist on both sides of the marriage. And I would be a better polygamous wife if the person I was married too just had the courage to admit I was his wife.

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2015

    @Brother Musa, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Maybe you could explain to me what you see the problems in your marriage are. From what I read that the wife you married first wrote, she does not like polygamy. She’s in a polygamous marriage and she tolerating it, but she hates it. You will not be able to change her mind about polygamy, regardless of what you say. She has her mind made up. Unless she sincerely seeks Allah’s help and wants to accept the Truth, she will continue to be miserable.

    From what I gathered, you married her first and she is the legal wife. She thinks by being the legal wife she is above the other wives because she has more privileges. For instance, she is recognized by society as your wife; she checks the box that says “married” and put your information on forms and documents that you are her husband; she receives any benefits – medical, if you die before she does; she’ll get death benefits, pension, social security, insurance; she’ll be the executor of the estate; she’ll plan the funeral etc; she’ll be entitled to 1/2 your property should you divorce and may alimony etc. Those are all material things. Allah gave her those things.

    Because she has those material things, does it make her better than the other wives? Material things DO NOT determine righteousness. Allah gives both unbelieves and believers material things and it’s not based on soley how righteous or unrighteous they are. Some unbelievers are millionares and billionaire. They are unbelievers. They are not righteous.

    A person is not a better person simply because she or he has more THINGS. Is a person who has a Rolls Royce better than a person who has a Hyundai? Allah says the person who is the most righteous is the most honorable. Righteousness makes the difference between people. How Allah views people is what matters.

    So, polygamy isn’t recognized in a country. So what!!! What Allah recognizes and how He view things is what matters. Is someone going to put man and man made laws above Allah?

    Your wife doesn’t like what I say and dismiss it because I’m not a shiek, Imam or scholar with documentation; it’s okay. She doesn’t believe in Allah’s decree and that Allah only has power. It’s okay. Allah didn’t make everyone believers. Allah says not everyone will believe. Allah says there will only be a few from our times who will be foremost in faith and foremost in the hereafter. All anyone has to do is read the Quran and if Allah gives them understanding of the Quran they will know that I speak from the knowledge that Allah has given me and I speak from what is written in the Holy Quran, which is the word of Allah revealed to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). If she thinks I’m a “made woman” whatever that is. It’s okay. I really don’t care.

    I have one more thing to address with regard to your post. Insha Allah, I’ll be back.

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2015

    @Musa, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m having some difficulty with what you wrote simply because I disagree with some of what you said. Being just and fair and kind to a wife is not a condition that Allah has placed on a man before he may marry more than one woman.

    Allah in the Holy Quran tells us to be just and kind to EVERYBODY on the face of the earth unless we are at war with the person or unless they fight us for our faith. It means a man is to be kind and just to his one wife, two wives, three wives or four wives. It doesn’t matter how many. A man will not know how he will be in a marriage until he is in it. He will not know before hand how he will treat any of his wives. He can only make his intention.

    The ayah (verse) you refer to, which says marry only one if you can not be just – Allah is speaking to men about the ORPHANS (children). Orphans are very special and Allah has special instruction about them for us. There are numerous ayat (verses) in the Quran about orphans. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was an orphan.

    Again, the ayah you speak of is about the orphans and doing justice to them. A man knows whether he likes kids. He knows whether he will want to be bothered with another man’s children. He knows whether he wants to marry a woman who already has children that aren’t his or whether he doesn’t want to marry such a woman. Allah, in that ayah, is letting men know that if they marry women who have children (ORPHANS) – children that aren’t theirs, those men better treat those children the same as their own flesh and blood children, or there will be serious consequences. If he can’t do it, which he knows full well in advance whether he can or not, he best marry only one woman who will have no other children than his own. A child can’t divorce a step-parent. A woman can divorce a man. The ayah you refer to is about the treatment of orphans – children.

    People make far too big of a deal about a polygamous marriage. A polygamous marriage is the same as a monogamous marriage and it has the exact same rules. The only difference is the man has more than one wife.

    Being just and kind is across the board for all human beings. There is no special rules for having more than one wife. ALlah tells us in the Quran how a man should treat a wife. The man should treat all his wives the same way Allah tells him to treat any wife.

    With regard to the paralyzed person, it’s not in the Quran. Who cares whether a person will be lopsided on the Day of Judgement – big whip.

    Allah describes the conditions that people will be in and what they will look like on the Day of Judgement. A paralyzed person is not part of the description. If someone want to be scared straight, read the Quran and what Allah says about the Day of Judgment. If what is in the Quran doesn’t make someone straighten up and fly right, nothing will – definitely not by threatening a person with looking like a mere handicapped person that one may sees in his daily passing.

    Getting into Jannah is about serving and worshiping Allah. It’s not about a husband and a wife and marriage. People get it twisted. A person will have more to concern himself or herself with on the Day of Judgement than with his or her body being lopsided.

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back.

  • Musa

    January 28, 2015

    Asa sister Ana this is Musa I shared this with wife number and here is what she sent me back. A
    I am so glad you sent this article out to now see what brothers go thru. I’m so up to here with her. It’s driving me crazy. This is were my anger comes from cause I try to have extra special care and attention to keep her calm but I don’t think I’m going to continue with this nonsense. I m really hurting and very much in a stand still I thought she would be ok with polygamy but she is not my mistake.

    ALLAH (SWT) IS THE BEST OF KNOWERS!
    The Qur’an says to marry up to four women, UNLESS you fear you can’t treat them equally, if that’s the case just stick to one. (cause the penalty for treating your wives unjustly is harsh – i.e. being raised up on judgement day with half your body paralyzed)

    That article was totally incorrect,it was written by a made women it was not backed up by any
    Quran ayats, and for the record
    My faith is greater than you know, ALLAH (SWT) knows my heart
    and thats all that matters. He has comforted me before thru much worse he will guide me!!!
    mentally, physically and, emotional as well as financially AND give me stability …..

    Having more than one wife is a privilege not an obligation. Everyone has CHOICES and you have made yours… I know your dream is living in a large house with all your wives but to me that is not stability that would be a night mare because you have anger issues that you won’t face. As far as the article saying we are all equal, that is total BULLSSHIT because none of your wives are legally responsible so we will never be equal unless you & I are legally divorced. This is not a Polygamous country so it will never be fair, I have to be held accountable and your wives get gain benefits with no work put in,everything you do affects & effects me directly or indirectly. NOT FAIR!!! STOP TRYING TO HURT ME WITH THIS, ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME HATE YOU? YOU TREAT ME SO HARSH AND SOMETIMEY SINCE YOU MARRIED THESE WOMEN, MY PROBLEM IS WITH YOU NOT THEM I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN DEALING WITH THIS & WAITING PATIENTLY ON MY LORD.

  • Shabanah

    January 28, 2015

    Coco
    I also meant to save it when you posted it before “what is your heart looking at” but forgot so I had to search online for it. I shared it with all my whatsapp contacts. Everyone loves it. Awe inspiring.
    I’m excited to be celebrating another birthday of my son. My children’s birthdays are the highlights of my year I go all out.

  • coco

    January 28, 2015

    Brother Musa
    It’s great to see you stop by again with your necessary input! I’m definitely waiting for you to continue on with your thoughts… ☺️

  • coco

    January 28, 2015

    Shabanah
    That’s awesome your son’s birthday is coming up soon it must be way fun planning for kids birthdays especially the cake and goodies ☺️ He must be sooooo excited too! Bless him!

  • coco

    January 28, 2015

    Shabanah & Ana
    I know there were sooooooo many tear jerking moments… I LOVED the ending it was filmed in such a touching and raw way beautifully. Ana I SWEAR when I was reading Shabanah’s post I was thinking the exact same thing Oooooo she’s in trouble nowwwwwwwww! lmao I even had doubts after posting my thoughts on the film thinking that I may have sorta given away the ending yet thankfully ummof4 didn’t take notice phewwwwww! lol ☺️

  • coco

    January 28, 2015

    Ana
    I agree it can’t be shared enough it really has a way of pulling one outta the dark! Virtual hugs right back at ya! lol ☺️
    ❤️ xo

  • Shabanah

    January 28, 2015

    Lol oopsies. I have to watch the ending again. I got a bit confused

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2015

    Yeah,there were a number of touching moments, especially the first episode while running. I cried too, but I can’t remember, which part. I hope I’m not getting Alzheimer he,he, he. Insha Allah, I’m going to watch it again when I finish Margin Call

    Ummof4 is going to get you 4 telling what happened in the movie. Ooooou you in trouble now…

  • Shabanah

    January 27, 2015

    Wa alaikum salaam. I’m doing good. My son is turning six soon so I’m busy with preparations and planning. I watched still Alice yesterday. It made me look at life in a different light yet again. Allah can change your entire life in an instance. I cried especially when her daughter got tested and it came back positive. Also when she was looking for the washroom. Then again when I thought she was going to take those pills. You all recommend excellent films 🙂 y’all got it going on lol.

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2015

    @Musa, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I was looking for you to return, but I know how it is when you get disrupted and lose the momentum. Brother, the best advice I could give you right now is don’t give up. Don’t despair. Just do your part and the best that you can do in your effort to do what is right. We can’t please everyone, especially when you’re dealing with more than one wife. We can’t even please ourselves.

    The wives all have their different levels of belief or no belief in Allah and the Truth. You can’t make anyone understand, only Allah can. Don’t get discouraged. Focus less on the wives and stay mindful of Allah. Remember, when you turn to Allah, the Creator, and away from His creation (the wives), Allah will turn His creation (wives) towards you. When you turn to Allah’s creation (your wives), and away from Allah, the Creator, Allah will turn His creation (your wives) away from you. Try to please Allah and Allah will give you the peace you so much want and need. It’s all good. Keep the Faith and stay strong, my brother.

    @Shabanah,

    How are you doing cutie?

    I’m going to go chill out. I’ve been trying to finish a movie, “Margin Call”. It’s a much older movie. I’ve been watching quite a few movies about the financial crisis. I like movies like “Wall St.” and “Wolves of Wall St”

    Over and out…

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2015

    Yep, Lynn, I hear you. You are so right; everything happens for a reason. I know I was sure going in the direction that Ms. P purposely did not make the ferry booking to keep him there longer. No one could have told me differently. It was truly a blessing Allah had her contact you. I learned a good lesson from your story. Alhumdulliah. Even if she had deliberately booked the fairly to mess up his plans, look at the torment she went through. We can’t do evil and think we won’t account for it. I’ve lived it and learned from it. I planned things that weren’t nice in my life and I derived no good from it.

    We plot and we plan, but Allah is the best of planners. He is the Master Planner. I don’t make promises to anyone and don’t want anyone to promise anything to me. Only Allah knows what He has planned for us. We don’t know the future. Why set ourselves up for failure, knowing we are not in control of what will happen in the future. It’s my philosophy for me.

    We have to unlearned what we learned that was false. All these years we’ve made plans thinking we make things happen and believing promises are to be kept when people don’t control the future. It’s an adjustment. Look at all the years we’ve been learning what is incorrect. We can’t erase it overnight.

  • Lynn

    January 27, 2015

    Yes i agree with you. We have to educate the children since they kinda affected in our polygamous journey. But at that moment we just allow our emotions conquer us and we could not think properly. All we thought was – Ms. P purposely did not make the ferry booking so as to keep him there longer.

    I know that my 2 gals aged 22 and 20 tis year tried to accept & adjust to the changes including the schedule 😛 A promise meant to be kept but hubby broke it. Everything happens for a reason.

  • Shabanah

    January 27, 2015

    Lynn I thank you as for sharing your experience with us. I now see Ms P in a different light.

    Brother musa jazakAllah for chiming in. It’s always nice hearing from a male perspective. Marie enjoy every moment with your hubs until next time. Get it girl lol.
    I agree with you Marie about how great you will in all aspects of life once you put Allah first and remember him always. And except His decree. I’m so at peace. When you’re suffering and in so much pain you can’t see the light but it’s there ladies and you will reach the other side as long as you persevere remain steadfast and remember Allah is with you wherever you may be. He hears you. And most importantly He loves you.

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2015

    We have to remember that children, as well, need to learn that things do not always go the way we want them to and we don’t always get what we want. Imagine what the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) experienced as a child as an orphan. Think about our own lives. It something parents need to begin to teach their children when they are old enough to understand.

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2015

    @Lynn, Wa Alaikum As Salaam 🙂

    It was very nice of you to share with us what had happened. It was a blessing that Allah had Ms.P reach out to you for help, which let you know your husband was truthful. I’m sure you doubted the story for a while. While I was reading your story, until you let us know the outcome, I was thinking he accommodated her by staying with her longer. We sometimes just don’t know what is happening unless Allah clearly lets us see. Satan can really mess with our heads. Things won’t always go the way we as in mankind plans. I’d love to get to the place where I accept WHATEVER happens and act when I should (Allah lets us know when we should take action). It takes constantly remembering Allah to get to that place. Thank you so, much again for sharing your experience with us. It was way helpful {{{hugs}}}

  • Lynn

    January 27, 2015

    Refer to sis Ruqayyah’s post, I would like to share my real experiences:

    Just last year, hubby was scheduled to be with Ms. P the last few days before eid and be back exactly on the eid fitr morning. However he did not managed to catch his ferry back home. The 4 kids and I were all ready in our festive clothes waiting for his return and started our visiting but he did not turned up. We texted him a million times but he did not picked up the phone and refused to answer our text messages. We finally gave up and everyone started to change into our day clothes. My gals cried coz they could not believe their dad could ever did that to them. My youngest boy did not give up till many hours later and left voice messages. Where are you baba? Where are you? It was so sad as they had never celebrated 1st day of eid without their dad. He came finally at about 6pm. He acted nothing happened but i insisted on a explanation. Finally he told me that Ms. P did not make advance booking for his return ferry to Singapore. He could not get seat. Of coz we did not believe him. We thought it was merely excuses and he should be more responsible to make the booking himself. He knew the kids were so disappointed and hurt. He broke down but he said nothing could be done to make situation better and we should just forgive him.

    A few days later I got a text from Ms. P. She told me everything. How they fought at the ferry terminal. How angry my hubby was ? How my hubby refused to even pick up his calls or reply to his text messages ? It went on for about more than a week and she actually asked me for advice. I asked her to apologize and keep on apologizing hoping that would weaken him and made him less angry. It was successful. They talked again a fews days before he was scheduled to go there. What I am trying to say is – if the hubbies are loving and responsible fathers – kids are very important to them. Not even us the wives.

    Ms. P has agreed that from then onwards he will spend the eid fitr morning with us in Singapore. Hubby can go for prayers with my boys and we can celebrate it as a family. InsyaAllah.

  • Lynn

    January 27, 2015

    Waalaikumsalam Ana & a very good morning!

  • Musa

    January 27, 2015

    Asa sister Ana I would like to say you are so in tune with our polygamous marriage work. This article has hit home for me and others. I have a very hard time trying to explain this to the sisters in my marriage or who I would consider to be wives. But sometimes I want to give up and just be single even on a monogamous marriage you have these women who want ever see it the way it is. Men are not the same as women and they don’t see everything the same. My point is Allah has given us assignments as Men muslim Men. We are not Christian Hindu catholic men. We are Muslim. I have to pick up my wife I will continue shortly .

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2015

    A woman needs to ask herself, if a husband has more than one wife and wives all have wants and desires, how does the woman think the husband can satisfy all the wives wants and desire when the wants and desires may conflict with each other?

    A couple of ayat (verses) from the Holy Quran for us to contemplate are as follows:

    “No misfortune can happen on earth or in your souls but is recorded in a decree before We bring it into existence: That is truly easy for Allah:” Surah 57, ayah 22

    “In order that ye may not despair over matters that pass you by, nor exult over favours bestowed upon you. For Allah loveth not any vainglorious boaster,-”
    Surah 57, Ayah 23

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2015

    Maire,

    Enjoy your time with your hubz. Make it a night to remember 🙂 You were probably too young to remember the song by Shalamar – “Get ready tonight
    Gonna make this a night to remember” What you said made me think of it.

    Insha Allah, we’ll see you here tomorrow. Adios Amigo

  • Marie

    January 27, 2015

    Ana, your post on this thread and the “unhappy women” thread. All I can say is alhamdulilah, allah u Akbar. And a big

    Insha’allah I’ll be back tomorrow, it’s the last night with hubz and I’m going to make to most of it. I too think my marriage is better now than before. Putting Allah first is definitely the way to go.

    Adios

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2015

    @Lynn, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m with you that the trial of polygamy is nothing like the trials or punishments (whichever they are) that other sisters are going through. All one has to do is read the news every day to see what is happening with so many of our sisters-in-faith – the oppression, the wars causing many to be displaced, the ones who are kidnapped and forced into marriage etc.

    I’m so much happier in my life as I’ve made an assertive effort to go with the flow and let Allah alone to do His thing and I find things actually turn out in my favor more and more and more. When we turn to Allah, He turns His creation to us. When we turn to His creation, He turns His creation away from us.

    Muslims really have to focus on belief and not a marriage or a husband – it’s all about belief in Allah. We need to know what He says to believe it. It’s the only thing that will bring us peace.

    I love my husband today more than I have since I’ve met him. I don’t think at all about leaving him or divorcing him. My intention is to be married to him for the rest of our lives and I believe his intent is the same. I’ve never been happier in the marriage than I am at this time in my life.

    I don’t make life about me any longer; I don’t make life about my husband; it’s about Allah and doing what He wants and expects of me.

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    Sis Ruqayyah wrote a very good post on the “unhappy” thread that falls right in line with what this main post thread is all about, so I’ve placed a link to her comment here: https://www.polygamy411.com/unhappy-women-living-polygamous-marriages/#comment-4917

  • Lynn

    January 27, 2015

    Divorce ? I am so scared Allah will be so mad at me and gave me even worst trial when hubby is doing all he could to make it work for everyone. When I am mad I will tell myself it wont be long and I will leave him when the kids are more independent. But i think it will be a fairy tale – till death do us part! 😛 When you think again tis trial is nothing compared to those faced by our less privileged sisters in faith, for me at least.

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2015

    @Lynn,

    Your co-wife, Ms.P is correct. You may one day feel and think she is not a bad person. She feels and thinks the same as you have feelings and thoughts. She is a sisters-in-faith. You have a right to a husband (we know bcuz Allah gave you one). So does she.

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2015

    @Gail,

    I love the way you have a way of wording things so differently than most, yet putting it all in perspective. It makes me take notice every time you write.

  • Lynn

    January 27, 2015

    haha! my hubby used to say the polygamy test was actually meant for him when I thought it was for me. We finally concluded it was for the both of us.

    Polygamy has becoming a trend in Malaysia and till now I am still wondering how can someone agree to be 2nd, 3rd & 4th? Don’t they foresee the problems? My co-wife, Ms. P blamed it on FATE plus her love towards my husband. Otherwise she rather not be in this situation. Its crazy – somehow I believe what she told me.

  • Gail

    January 27, 2015

    Trayci,

    Welcome to the group!
    I read your post and my heart goes out to u.I hope u will enjoy the group as much as the rest of us do.It has been such a great help to me personally over the years.
    When I read your post I just got this feeling like u r in bondage because of your believe that u can’t divorce.Now mind u I am not saying u should or shouldn’t divorce but I agree with Ana that divorce is permissible if you feel u must.Granted we all hate divorce because when we get married we see it as a forever deal but if your husband is not married to this other woman and doing all this nonsense then u really have to wonder what u r being faithful to understand?Just food for thought.Again welcome to the group Happy to have u with us.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    @Lynn,

    I believe you typed the long message and lost most of it. Welcome to the club 🙂 It happens to the best of us.

    What wives don’t consider is that just as polygamy may be a blessing or a curse for the wives polygamy is a blessing or a curse for the husbands, as well. The wives focus on themselves and the children. The husbands may have to focus on 2,3, or 4 wives and all their children. It’s a lot. A wife who truly believes and accepts that Allah willed it all, can’t say he only willed it for her and her husband OPTED for it. It was willed for the husbands, as well. The husbands are going through tough times, as well. It’s not for a wife to say, good; it’s what he gets. A wife can be happy he’s catching hell or considerate that He’s going through a thing whether or test or a punishment that Allah decreed for him the same as she is.

    If a husband gets overwhelmed, of course he is going to get to the point where he just doesn’t care any longer. If a wife wants to take a hike and get to steppin, it’s less weight on his shoulders. He’d probably would be glad for one of the wives to leave. He’d relish the break. She just made his job easier.

    A wife has to ask herself what type of pressure she is placing on her husband for him to tell her that he is not forcing her to remain in the marriage. If we accept that when something happens Allah decreed it, we accept it and embrace it with ENTHUSIASM. Saying we accept it, while hating it, and not wanting it, is not acceptance. Acceptance comes with liking it deeply within one’s heart. It’s not mere tolerance.

    Take Traysi, for instance, if she’s reading the Quran, and trying to grow near to Allah, so He will restore her marriage to a healthy and happy state, and take away her pain, she can forget about it. If Allah were to do as she asks, she would go back to being the same ole Traysi that she was before, and may stop reading the Quran and remembering Allah all together. What Traysi has to do has to be done not to win back her husband back, and make her life easier. It has to be done because she truly believes in, loves and want to worship Allah with all her heart, soul and mind. Her living, dying, prayers and sacrifice has to be all for Him. We don’t just worship Allah temporarily to get what we want. Allah is no joke. Islam is no game.

  • Lynn

    January 26, 2015

    I cannot believe it Ana. I typed a long message and only a line was successfully posted 🙁

    Anyway I agree with Sara that Hubbies play a super important role in a polygamous marriage. Not only he has to be a religiously good Muslim and leader he needs to be politically smart handling the wives nonsense. I called it nonsense coz sometimes I know I am asking far too much. They are not here in this dunya to please the wives but Allah.

    I hate it when hubby said this … “No one is forcing you into this polygamous marriage. If you think you cannot cope you are free to leave.” He knows I cannot not leave him yet as my children needs a father and I am a selfless mom.

    There wont be any peace until you FULLY accept Allah’s decree. Only you can make yourself happy. Think positive and count Allah’s blessings.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    Hey there Lynn, Wa Alaikum As Salaam! Top of the morning to you. It’s night time where I am, 8:10 p.m. I think I’m going to chill out for the evening, Insha Allah. I’ll have my phone with me to read and approve comments. I so much love the avatar you’re using. It’s is sooooo adorable LOL

  • Lynn

    January 26, 2015

    Assalammualaikum good morning everyone

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    @coco puff,

    Thank you very much for sharing with us again, “What is Your Heart Looking at?” I forgot to make a copy of it last time you posted it. I just made a copy of it now, and forwarded it to my wali, as well. It is excellente. What a beautiful reminder. You can’t post it enough. We have a tendency to focus on everything, but our Creator. Allah doesn’t like when we give Him part-time worship. {{{hugs to you}}}

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    @Traysi,

    Shabanah summed it up very nicely about reading the Quran. I’m all over the place with these comments today. I just re-read Shabanah’s comment and she is absolutely correct about reading the Quran. She so beautifully stated, “You can read Holy Quran word from word page by page until you are blue in the face but you must sulk in Allahs words. Grasp the knowledge with your heart only then will your heart find ease.”

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I totally agree 100% with what you said. There is no overnight, quick fix whatsoever when imploring Allah’s help. It takes a lot of pleading, begging, weeping, sobbing, crying out loud and you name it. It could take years before we find ourselves at a really good place. We then are never completely there and it’s all done. It’s a continual struggle and battle with oneself till Allah seizes our souls. How long did Ayub (Job) suffer? One cassette tape of the story of Job said he suffered and endured for 18 years. Could you imagine?

    Don’t talk to me about arrogance, Mari2. I’m no stranger to the blameworthy characteristic. Allah can cut us down to size, quickly. I mean make us real small. He has done it to me. I still find myself getting high on my horse, though. I’m just grateful like Marie stated, that Allah lets us see our faults. I’ve read that when Allah wants good for us, He exposes our faults to us. I’m so happy to see my faults, which I have quite a few and more that I’m working on with the help and permission of Allah.

    Mari2, thank you for sharing Emily Dickenson with us. I like the verse. It’s so beautiful and DEEP…

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    @Sara,

    I hear you when you say you’re out of there if your husband shows that he loves his other wife/wives and children more than you. Allah knows best whether you’re going or not. We do know that Allah controls the heart. He puts love in the heart. Man as in mankind doesn’t put it there. A man does not have to love his wives all the same. Allah lets us know it in the Holy Quran. It very well may be that a wife will notice her husband shows more love and affection to another wife than to her. It was well known the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) loved his one wife Aishah more than the others. He didn’t hide it and didn’t have to. So you may find your husband will love his other wife and children more than you and yours. You said you’d get to steppin. Well, I guess it may be your intent. Allah knows best what you will do.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    Traysi,

    I think this is my last comment to you in a whole line of comments. Please make sure you have not missed any. I’m trying to break them down to make it easier for you.

    You say you read the Holy Quran over and over again every 30 days. I’d suggest you slow it down and take your time. There is no need to be in a hurry. Even if you only read a little each day, preferably at Fajr time, it’s very good. Allah says read as much of the Quran as is easy for you.

    “Thy Lord doth know that thou standest forth (to prayer) nigh two-thirds of the night, or half the night, or a third of the night, and so doth a party of those with thee. But Allah doth appoint night and day in due measure He knoweth that ye are unable to keep count thereof. So He hath turned to you (in mercy): read ye, therefore, of the Qur’an as much as may be easy for you. He knoweth that there may be (some) among you in ill-health; others travelling through the land, seeking of Allah’s bounty; yet others fighting in Allah’s Cause, read ye, therefore, as much of the Qur’an as may be easy (for you); and establish regular Prayer and give regular Charity; and loan to Allah a Beautiful Loan. And whatever good ye send forth for your souls ye shall find it in Allah’s Presence,- yea, better and greater, in Reward and seek ye the Grace of Allah: for Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” Quran: Surah 73, Ayah 20

    You want to digest what read and have it penetrate your soul. You want to contemplate the Ayat (verses). You want to think about what the message in what you read is for you. You eventually are going to have to apply the lessons you learn to your own life.

    You should seek refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed before you read the Quran. You should ask Allah to teach you and to give you understanding of what you read. Allah teaches and He guides those of us who turns to Him for guidance. Allah tells us how to read the Quran. He says:

    “Or a little more; and recite the Qur’an in slow, measured rhythmic tones.” Quran: Surah 73, Ayah 4

    “Soon shall We send down to thee a weighty Message.” Quran: Surah 73, Ayah 5

    “Truly the rising by night is most potent for governing (the soul), and most suitable for (framing) the Word (of Prayer and Praise).” Quran: Surah 73, Ayah 6

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    Traysi,

    I’m still not sure whether your have said they are married or not. I re-read your post in which you said, you call it polygamy because he goes back and forth, but he spends all nights with you. Did he have a marriage ceremony?

    Anyhow, for some reason you feel you must befriend the other woman. Why? Just because he’s your husband’s other wife? You don’t have to be her friend just because your husband is with her. You’re not obligated to like her. The only obligation you have to her is to be kind and just. We are to be kind and just to everybody, unless they fight us for our faith, unless we are at war with them. If she gives you a greeting, you are to return the greeting with the same greeting or one better.

    Nothing no where says co-wives must be friends. It goes without saying believers would be friends. You know for a fact she is no believer. Believers have belief in common. We are to love what Allah loves and hate what Allah hates. He hates disbelief, wickedness, and rebellion. We have to learn what Allah likes and dislikes. It’s what we should base our likes and dislikes of a person on. We’re all guilty of disliking someone just because… or liking someone whom we shouldn’t like. Allah in the Holy Quran tells us about people so we could make a judgement call. He tells us to judge with what He has given us – the Holy Quran. Allah several times or more tells us to JUDGE.

    You don’t have to like her, but try to dislike her for the right reasons. It’s what I’m trying to work on in myself, as well.

  • Sara

    January 26, 2015

    I also would like to add that women will find no peace in a polygamous marriage if the men don’t treat the women equally…that is very important…if the man favors the other better or favors other children than hers then she will never find peace…then how do u expect her to live?? I for own won’t stand it and sit and say God wanted this for me because it’s clear that God said men have to be just…id just leave and that means God wanted that for me and I might find happiness with another man that way…God knows what the future holds…
    I have heard of so many polyfamous marriage where the husband takes second wife secretly and have kids from her and when the first wive finds out she asks for a divorce…then the husband actually leaves the second to stay with the first…It’s pretty hypocritical as he went along and did it but when he gets faced he leaves the other wive and stays with the first.im not sure whether it’s because he married her for lust or he fears losing his kids…
    Traysi if the husband married her it is better than him commuting adultry as the other women said. I think u have a problem with that than actually him commiting adultry…u don’t want her to be the other wive with rights like u…in this situation u can’t do nething as she’s already there…she exists and her kids exist too…either u allow him and pray for patience or u leave..and u already said that u don’t want a divorce..but I’m wandering u knew about her for years how come u didn’t face him then…give him am ultimatum?
    Husbands tend to tell their wives I would divorce for you…or stories like that..I think they just say it so the wive feels better…I know for a fact when I looked through my husbands phone’s messages to the other women he’d say things like ‘oh I went on holiday for the kids’ or please don’t leave I would do anything for u and can’t continue when in fact he is sitting next to me and he’s perfectly fine joking or when on holiday he is so happy with me…they tend to say things so they don’t hurt the wives…I don’t think a husband would leave the other wive if the first wive threatens to divorce…he will just continue seeing her but in secret…he continuously lies to her so he doesn’t hurt her feelings…
    Polygamy is so so complicated…because u know urself but u don’t know the co wive and her manipulating ways…she can make ur life hell…it’s up to the husband to b a strong leader and be fair and not allow crap…

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    Traysi,

    When you speak of sects, you said the sect you belong to don’t accept polygamy. I strongly suggest you not say you belong to any sect from this day forward. Of course I’m not telling you what to do. I am only suggesting. You are “Muslim”. It is what Allah named us, “Muslim”. Allah tells us not to divide our religion into sects. Allah says we are one brotherhood. If you identify with any sect you are disobeying Allah. If anyone asks me what type of Muslim I am. I answer; I am Muslim. That is it. I’m not Sunni, Salaafi, Shia/Shia, Boko Haram, Sufi, or whatever else is out there. I am plain and simply “Muslim”. Ask me again, I’ll tell you the same 🙂

    As far as Allah hating divorce, it is a fallacy. It’s not true. Nowhere in the Holy Quran does Allah say or hint that He dislikes divorce. Allah permits divorce. Allah tells us how the procedure of divorce works. There is a surah in the Quran called divorce – Quran: 65. Surah At Talaq (Divorce).

    When the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) were giving him trouble. Allah swt said He would replace those wives with some better, some formerly married and some virgin. One of the wives the Prophet Muhammad was married to was divorced. She had been married to the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) adopted son, Zayd. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) granted Zayd the divorce.

    Allah doesn’t want his servants to live in a miserable marriage. I think men came up with the sayings about divorced being the most hated by Allah of all permissible things to oppress women. It is an untruth. They want women stuck in a marriage by putting them through a guilt trip, making them think that Allah would be displeased with them if they divorced. It’s terrible. Allah say oppression is worse than slaughter. It’s why women need to learn their religion – Islam – based on what is in the Holy Quran and not rely on others to tell them anything.

    If you are not happy in your marriage as your husband has been mean to you and abusive, you are within your right to seek a divorce. The only time I suggest someone try to hang in there with a marriage is when they are happily married all except they don’t like what Allah has permitted – polygamy. We should not dislike what Allah has made permissible.

    You have grounds to seek a divorce if you think it is best for you, based on your husband’s treatment of you. You need to pray to Allah and ask Him for his help and guidance. Before actually seeking divorce there are other options you have that are mentioned in the Holy Quran, as well, such as taking an “oath of abstention” whereby you and your husband separate for four months and then determine whether you’ll divorce or not. You could do mediation as well, in which you and he take a member from each family to sit down and mediate the matter to see if you could come to an amicable agreement.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    @Traysi, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I am delighted you are here with us. Know that you are amongst friends here. You’ve already met some of the lovely ladies. Alhumdulliah! We all try to reach out and help one another as best we can. Everyone has their own style, so please try not to take offense to anything said, if someone appears to be way harsh. We can work each other’s nerves at times but, overall, we mean well.

    You seem to have a very complicated situation going on there. Any way you look at it, there is a problem in that the woman he is “married” to is non-Muslim. You could read this post to get an idea of how problematic it is: https://www.polygamy411.com/muslims-sleep-with-the-enemy/

    If your husband and she are married, it is way better than him committing adultery. For his own sake, I hope he has asked Allah to forgive him for having committed such a heinous act. Allah is an oft forgiving, Most Merciful God.

  • Mari2

    January 26, 2015

    @Ana,

    I agree on many points you have spoken upon. However, the mere turning to Allah must occur repeatedly. Allah offers no one day/prayer fix for issues that may arise in a polygamous marriage. Women must consistently turn to HIM, over and over again as the need arises. Yes arrogance is a big issue in polygamy ( I have suffered this). And even when women feel righted, something can happen to rock the boat. It’s really a never ending cycle of acceptance/problem/reaction/prayer/peace/acceptance/new problem…etc. It’s very Emily Dickenson:

    I many times thought peace had come,
    When peace was far away.
    Like wrecked men deem
    They sight the land at the centre of the sea.
    And struggle slacker
    Yet, to prove
    As helplessly as I,
    How many the fictitious shores
    Before the harbor lie.

  • Traysi

    January 26, 2015

    Ummof4 yes ma’am you are correct she is not my issue. And hating her is not right, I believe that my pain was misguided to her because as a woman I thought women should protect one another and I would not lay with someone’s husband because I would not want to put that on anyone. I feel like she got to commit adultery and then be blessed with children and a husband, while I suffer, but I know I am wrong for feeling it. Thank you for making dua for me. . I am here to get the help I need. He is kind sometimes, but this trial has damaged me, rather I have allowed it. I have focused wrong for so long, now I will focus on Allah only. Again you all are invaluable to me.

  • Traysi

    January 26, 2015

    We had been married for 10 years when he hired a woman and began an affair, she knew he was married, lied to me saying she was a Christian woman who would never lay with a married man. As time when on, I knew it was not in my head. My husband went from loyal and loving to mean and verbally abusive. The children are only 7 months apart because they were both born pre mature. After that he decided to make her his second wife, but to this day he lies to me…he goes back and forth..so for my own souls sake, I have decided to say it is polygamy. At first the children were apart of my life and I cared for them and treated them as if they were my own, until she decided she didn’t want them calling me mommie and they loved me, so she picked a huge argument with me and then pretended to be a damsel and he separated the children from me. He never stays out all night, he just told his mother of them 2 years ago and they are 8 now. I like what you said, put him on time out and focus in Allah. That is what I will do. Allah hates divorce and I cannot do anything to make Allah hate me. So I am doing my best. The story is so long, but in short, the monster in him only comes out if I bring them up, so I don’t, but I feel silly living like this. Thank you all for support. I find myself waiting for Allah to punish them mad free me, but if know Allah does what HE wants.

  • coco

    January 26, 2015

    ummof4
    I always find myself taking back mini lessons from you after reading your posts, I regard you with the utmost respect! May Allah keep you blessed wise one! inshAllah ☺️ xo

  • coco

    January 26, 2015

    Traysi
    Welcome sister! The ladies said it impeccably stick around we are all here with you to go through the healing process. I’m going to leave you with something I’ve shared before, I hold this piece very close to my heart when I’m feeling in the dark. Hang in there… xo

    What is Your Heart Looking at?
    Often what makes us fall into despair is focusing on the wrong things. For example, if we’ve sinned, we focus on the sin, rather than the Most Merciful. If we’re broken, we focus on the break instead of Al Jabbar, the One who mends. If we are in pain, we focus on the pain itself, instead of on the One who removes all pain. If we are wounded, we focus on the wound instead of on the One who heals all wounds. If we’re scared, we focus on the fear, instead of the Protector. And if we’re facing a problem, we see the problem, but not the One who can solve it. We see the lion, but not the lion tamer. We see the imperfections of dunya, but not the perfection of Allah. We see the immediate, but not the Tomorrow, the tree, but not the fruit, the thorn, but not the rose. All our pain, all our despair, all our hopelessness, stems from looking at the creation, instead of the Creator.
    Ask yourself: what is your heart looking at?

    Yasmin Mogahed

  • ummof4

    January 26, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Welcome Traysi, you had to deal with adultery for a long time and you stayed with your husband knowing that he was committing a serious sin. Now he is married to his adultery partner. Your writing sounds as if you are more upset that they are married than you were with them committing adultery. Marriage is not a sin.
    You state that you hate your husband’s new wife, but not that you hate him. Why just her?

    Traysi, you say that you will not divorce your husband even though he does not treat you nicely. That is your decision to make. Just try to stop blaming your husband’s other wife for your pain. Only Allah knows if your marriage can be healed or not. I will make du’ah that Allah shows you the guidance you need.

    Ladies, often women hate their husband’s new wives or their husband’s adultery partners, while expressing undying love and commitment to their husbands who are committing a very serious sin. That has never made any logical sense to me. But then again, some people act from emotions, not logic. Islaam teaches us to keep our emotions in check and to think through situations and try to come up with the best solution based on Islaam.

    May Allah guide us all to and keep us on The Seeratul Mustaqeem.

  • Marie

    January 26, 2015

    I think at times I fall into to arrogance. It’s crazy because I never thought I had an ounce of arrogance in me, but it appears so. I thank Allah much for showing me my faults so I can intend to fix them. Some don’t like to hear or see there bad bits, but I think we have to to make progress.

    I also think I concerns my self with matters that are non if my business. Why should I care if my co thinks EVERYTHING is unfair, that some how, I plan when planes take off, or which day the clock’s go back or what day eid falls on. I need to just mind my own business.

  • Shabanah

    January 26, 2015

    Ana lol. I absolutely love love love the way you speak. “The goodies” right on Lol

    Traysi welcome. Please stay with us I’m confident you will find the solace your heart is crying for right here at the 411.
    You can read Holy Quran word from word page by page until you are blue in the face but you must sulk in Allahs words. Grasp the knowledge with your heart only then will your heart find ease. I can only imagine the pain you are in. So you’ve been married to your hubs for awhile. I misunderstood you I think. How long has he been married to his baby mama? That’s what she is in my eyes. Committing formication with a married man. I have zero respect or sympathy for low life’s like her. you need to mentally put your husband on time out and turn all your focus on Allah for He is the only one capable of relieving you from the pain you’re in.

  • Traysi

    January 26, 2015

    As Salaam Alakium

    Thank you for this post. As I grow in this walk of polygamy, your candid posts are helping me. My husband of 20 year now, 10 years ago began committing adultery and after giving her two children decided it was from Allah and that he should marry her. The sect if Islam we submit to doesn’t not allow polygamy, however The Holy Quran does and I have no place to stand against Allah. She is not Muslim, he is not honest. I am in so much pain. I am seeking refuge in Allah. I read The Holy Quran in its entirety every month and I make as many prayers as I can. I want nothing more than to heal my soul. We have four children and I do not want a divorce. I hate her and I am praying because that means I hate Allah, since HE decrees everything. This makes me cry and I am often depressed. It feels like adultery because it is so secretive and he never speaks of them. In the beginning I was involved and they said it was “over” but I found out later it wasn’t and they stopped allowing me to see the girls. He yells at me often and is distant. I am afraid to leave because it would be saying I do not believe Allah can heal marriage or that I cannot accept what is in th Holy Quran. My husband says it doesn’t matter what our sect says, Allah says yes he can have more than one wife. He said she is who his right hand posses. And that while it started out wrong, Allah is blessing them because they are begin parents and doing right by the children.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    @Shabanah,

    I look forward to you commenting more when you get back in. Insha Allah, I’m going back to bed for a while. We’re supposed to have a major snow storm with blizzard conditions where I am. Insha Allah, I may get up earlier than usual and run out to the store, if the snow hasn’t begun to get bad by then.Allah knows best.

    @Everyone,

    I’ve been thinking about the men who have said to their wives that they’d divorce the other wives, if they want them to. It’s amazing that a husband will tell his wife that he’s going to marry someone else. He doesn’t really care what she thinks or what she is going through. He’s determined to do it at all costs and does it. Sometime thereafter, he tells her that he would divorce the other, if she wants him too. It makes absolutely no sense to me – not that it has to. We hear of this happening quite often. He goes and gets the goodies and then has the audacity to say, at that point, that he’d leave her. It’s amazing he didn’t consider the first wife’s pleas before he went ahead and did it, but now he comes talking about he’ll oblige her as though it’s a simple thing to do. Now, how would it make the wife he just married feel and look should he do such a cold and callous thing? Usually the husbands don’t do it anyhow. I think it could just be talk. It’s probably the same thing they tell the wives they married in the order of second, that they’d leave the first.

    I say all of it, to say it does no good for a husband to tell one wife that she can decide whether he stays in the marriage with the other or ends his marriage to the other. It causes a wife to think she is better than the other wife who he is so willing to throw away. It brings no peace and harmony for anyone. It’s really a sad state of affairs 🙁

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    @Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Shabanah,

    You’re such a cuties. Looks like our Lynn has beat you to the punch on commenting. It’s funny cuz I can see the times the comment came through and there was only 3 minutes between yours and Lynn’s. I thank you both and co-wives club for sharing your thoughts on the new topic.

    @Lynn,

    You sound so strong and seem to be at a very good place. I am so happy for you. Alhumdulliah. I totally believe there is so much good in polygamy when the wives view it from a positive perspective, knowing Allah knows what is best for us. Of course there are going to be tough times and we’ll see the ugly side of us or the dark side, should I say, but it’s all about purification of our souls, growing nearer to Allah in his attributes, and having a chance to enter Jannah/Paradise. He says we can’t enter Paradise unless we have a sound heart.

    @co-wives club,

    I appreciate much you inputting. I like hearing your thoughts, especially about Allah’s decree and our acceptance of it. There are not many who see it that Allah is in control. Many people out there think they make things happen. Allah lets us know there won’t be many who see the Truth. Unbelievers believe they are in control and we’re not suppose to believe as unbelievers do.

  • cowives club

    January 26, 2015

    Asalam wa alikum wa rahmatulahi

    This is so true ..we should look to Allah in all matter of our faith and believe that he and only he is in control of out affairs …sometimes we do think that the decisions we make are that out making when in fact Allah has already decreed it for us …we need to be very careful not to fall into shirk with it comes to polygyny

    jazak Allah khair ana for a lovely post

    women are defiantly the making of their own problems and once we come to know this and turn to Allah for guidance it will only be then we will find true happiness and content in out marriages

  • Shabanah

    January 26, 2015

    As salaamu alaikum and thank you Ana. I like being the first to comment on your posts. An honour indeed. What you say is the truth. I will comment more later inshaAllah. I have to pick my son from school.

    Tata!

  • Lynn

    January 26, 2015

    Oh dear I’d rather not go back to the early days where I felt at the lowest having Ms. P repeatedly telling me how great she was till my hubby had fallen for her 🙁 Then hubby told me “you will get what you give” coz she was just rebutting since I called her names etc etc. He also reminded me I will get more hurt if I refused to stop. With Allah’s help and advice from hubby situation has now changed. I have stopped sending her nasty texts – none at all for a few years.

    I fully believe in Allah’s decree. I know my hubby loves me and family. She came into our life for a reason. She made me a better Muslimah coz I no longer rely on my hubby for happiness.