Polygamy 411 April 2015 Discussions

 

Polygamy 411 April 2015 DiscussionsWelcome to our polygamy 411 April 2015 discussions. Polygamy 411 blog and support group is for all who have a positive interest in polygamy. We invite all to join us to talk about the topic. Feel free to talk about how it relates to your life. Let us know what you know of polygamy and others.

Our blog is not about how well anyone writes. It is not about punctuation, spelling, grammar, correct or incorrect English, or any of those things. Writing skills do not matter to us. We urge all to express yourself in a way that is easy for you.  We allow our writers to use symbols, as well. We limit distasteful, raw, or disrespectful language.

When reading our polygamy 411 April 2015 discussions, please be mindful that we are diverse

When reading our polygamy 411 April 2015 discussions, please be mindful that people from all over the globe are with us at polygamy 411. For many who are here, English is not their first language. For those whom English is their second language and they write here, it is amazing. It is awesome. We only need to know how difficult it was, and is to learn our own language to know what it takes for people to learn a foreign one. I’m fascinated by the writers here.

I admire anyone who can speak or read a foreign language. I have hope that I will speak fluent Spanish one day before I leave the planet. Allah knows best if I will. It seems there isn’t enough time in the day to do all that I’d like to do. I’m grateful for what Allah has blessed me to do. I am thankful for this blog.

I am so delighted to have you all join our polygamy 411 April 2015 discussions

I am so delighted for you all to join our polygamy 411 April 2015 discussions. Barring a few exceptions, we welcome all on the planet to our home here. Please share with us as much as you would like to share. Share what you are comfortable with. We’d like to know your thoughts on what you read here, as well.

Please note, we do not accept anyone who is anti-polygamy. We will not allow anyone here to ask people to hate polygamy. This is not a blog for those who reject polygamy as a good way of life.

Most people feel uneasy when they write on a blog for the first time. I remember the first time I wrote on one.  It felt strange. I felt as though people knew who I was. Today, many people know who I am. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. In fact, there is a kind of freedom in being known. Let loose. Don’t worry so much about what others think. Be you. There is only one you.

For those who have missed reading any of our Polygamy 411 March 2015 discussions or would like to refresh their memory, the link to the thread is: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-March-2015-discussions/

With all of it said, loosen up. Relax and let’s chat…

polygamy 411 April 2015 discussions

polygamy 411 April 2015 discussions


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542 Comments

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone

    Okie dokie. We’ve come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions once Again. Let’s say goodbye to the April 2015 discussions and welcome in May 2015 discussions.

    April is closed now april 2015 discussions april 2015 discussions

    From this point forward, I kindly ask all to comment on the May 2015 discussions thread or any of the specialized threads/posts. The link to the May 2015 discussions thread is: https://www.polygamy411.com/may-2015-discussions/

  • anabellah

    April 30, 2015

    I was watching one of my favorite television shows, “Madam Secretary”. It was interesting because in the last episode a stoning was described. The stoning of women who had committed adultery was referred to. I find it relevant as I earlier posted a video on this site of a Muslim sister-in-faith who was stoned. A short excerpt from the show is below:

    Note: Stoning is not the punishment for fornication or adultery. Neither is death. Stoning and death in the case of someone who commits fornication or adultery are contrary to the punishment prescribed according to the Holy Quran. Nonetheless, some people don’t follow what is in the Holy Quran, but make up their own rules, laws, or adhere to cultural mores that are not in accordance with the dictates of the Holy Quran.

  • anabellah

    April 30, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Jumping Hello

    There is a new post/thread for you all to read, inspired by SC’s question about coping with polygamy when one has children. It is: https://www.polygamy411.com/wives-cope-dealing-polygamy/

    Insha Allah, we will begin a new discussion thread for May 2015 on May 1st. Stay tuned. I look forward to chatting with everyone there.

  • anabellah

    April 30, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I think there is no wife on the face of the planet who could imagine not being informed of her husband’s death, especially when they have children together. It is the ultimate devilish act that a wife could do to a co wife. I know it probably crossed many a wife’s mind to do it, but to actually carry something like it out, I believe is the cruelest, most ruthless thing a woman could do to another. I know the person who does it would probably never have any peace of mind till her dying day. Every time she thinks of her husband the thought of what she did probably agonizes her. She think she hurt the co, but hurt herself far worse. It’s probably why Edith was here hoping to get an ada boy; you did good. It was crazy of her to think she’d get any kind of understanding and sympathy from anyone here about what she did. Phone Shock If she wants some support, she’s gotta go find evil to get with that.

  • Ruqayyah

    April 29, 2015

    Oh I couldn’t imagine never being informed of my husbands death I don’t even want him to die even though I know it will happen one day I hope it is a day far far away and maybe even after me. I don’t think I could do that to a co wife, but you never know what some of these women put the other through day after day after day treating each other like rivals and enemies. It’d be so much easier to at least be civil enough to send a message..

  • Ruqayyah

    April 29, 2015

    @Ina, your co is seriously crazy. He may not divorce her but he may be better able to control her. Hopefully this is the end of their honeymoon stage and reality will set in. I am also like you in that I don’t need to be around him all the time, I do enjoy talking to him often but it’s probably because I currently stay at home with no children, hopefully both of those things will change soon as I plan on a child and plan to return to work when he/she is older :) … I can sort of understand her loneliness but I think she is taking things way too far, she needs to realise that he is a married man. Anyways it’s good he is taking a stand against her and it is soooooo good you are at a place not to worry about how much they are talking or not. I think I remember a sister on here once who printed off her husbands phone log and showed him how many more minutes he spoke to the other wife as opposed to her haha sounds crazy but sometimes we get petty like that due to jealousy.
    anyways my husbands last woman was crazy, needed to talk to him constantly even though she’d never met him… I could only imagine how crazy it would get once they married. It was like she just needed his attention at all times, once it was called off I’m pretty sure she was calling him on private number all day long. I’m still pretty upset about that situation, not sure if I should message her or not. I was friends with her so it would be nice to get it off my chest that I was really hurt and upset by the way she acted. I was seriously trying to make it work as I believed she deserved a good husband but she played games from day one :( I kind of want her to message me back saying it was all a huge misunderstanding and she didn’t mean to hurt me but, I can’t see how that is the case. I don’t have her number anymore though so I guess I’ll just see how things pan out.

  • Ariannah

    April 28, 2015

    Ina,

    I didn’t want to use the word “love”. It never crossed my mind and I don’t think that he loves her more.

  • Ina

    April 28, 2015

    Thanks Ana for speaking to Ariannah about her poor choice of words. I did find it provoking and wanted to write to answer her question about why hubby talks to co-wife more but there’s been too much drama over the past days. Hubby talks to co-wife more not because he is more attracted to her but because she demands it from him. Maybe Ariannah wanted to use the word love but thought it would be more hurtful.

    Cowife likes to talk, she is lonely as she lives alone and have no friends nearby. She is the type of person who wants/needs this kind of attention. I am completely different….which is a good thing from everybody’s point of view.

  • Ina

    April 28, 2015

    Assalamualaikum and hello to all the lovely ladies here,

    Sorry for the late reply to your questions about why we leave it up to my cowife to set the schedule. The answer is simply because neither hubby or I can be bothered with the complexity of it to make it fair according to her rules. So she does the initial draft and I review it, suggest changes or agree. Hubby is the type of person who will go along with anything as long as the number of days are equal. I think he doesn’t want to do the schedule partly because he doesn’t want to deal with the details and also because he will get accused of being biased no what he does.

    There has been a lot of drama going on over the past few days, which I will write about on the Evil acting co wives thread.

  • Laila

    April 27, 2015

    I think Ana in most polygamous marriages, all wives are mean to some point. The reasons could vary but at the end of the day, no wife, should be not informed of a husbands death. That is the ultimate in being mean. That to me is cold hearted and calculative. Put the Counsel aside and just do what is right. The co has two boys to raise which I am sure is no easy task. There will be bills to be paid. We all say we are God fearing but sometimes our actions show otherwise. I hope Edith realizes what a huge responsibility her co has, financially.

  • anabellah

    April 27, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I agree with your assessment of the situation that Edith wants to hear what she already thought up in her head. It seems to be indelibly printed in her brain. She is firm in her position that the former co committed Zina; the co’s marriage isn’t valid because the former co has no witnesses and the co’s children are “bastards”. It’s the only thing she will accept DESPITE the ayat (verses) from the Quran that lets us know that it is wrong to accuse a person of such an offense as Zina without witnesses to the actual act and if there are no witnesses, the person is a “liar” and that we should put the best construction of it in our minds that it didn’t happen. She doesn’t accept that there are married people who don’t have documented marriages and witnesses often time their names aren’t known; they are dead or relocated etc. Edith won’t accept that the odds are in favor of the former co that she was married for the fourteen years to Edith’s husband, lived with the husband who told Edith (his wife) that the other woman was his wife, as well, and the of the children she has, he fathered. Edith refuses to accept that in Islam there is no such thing as “bastard” children. Furthermore, the former co’s children had a father (Edith’s husband) who claimed the children as his.

    Edith is just so blinded by her desires that she can’t see. When someone places evidence from the Quran in front of a person and the person simply ignores it, the person has a serious problem. The person rejects faith and is deaf, dumb and blind. Nothing anyone says will penetrate. It’s easy to find some Imam or sheik or scholar who will say what a person wants to hear. They don’t advise based on the Holy Quran.

    I agree with you that there are many lessons we can all learn from Edith’s story. One is that a legal wife who is married to a polygamous man whose other wife/wives is not legal better think good, hard and twice before she considers pulling stunts such as what Edith did with her former co. What she did by not letting the co know her husband had died and buried him without the co and the co’s sons having a chance to have closure with the person on earth who was most close to them and I’m sure they loved, was a cold-hearted thing to do. It was cold-hearted to label her husband’s children “Bastards”. It was greedy and cold-hearted not to give her husband’s children their inheritance that is prescribed for them based on what Allah says in the Holy Quran. It was cold-hearted to accuse the co of a most serious offense, zina, with no witnesses.

    Edith could yap about how much the co lied about witnesses and how the witnesses who were lied on are bringing charges against the co, and about what the council, the Egyptian authorities and Imam said, and about how her daughters said they are getting their due based on the laws of the country she lives in and not on what Allah says in the Holy Quran, till the cows come home, I’ll never see her side. I can’t wrap my head around the language she’s talking. She’s wasting her time on me.

  • Laila

    April 27, 2015

    I think in many ways Ana, all Edith wanted to hear was what she had already thought up in her head. If she really wanted to do the right thing, she would have just told the Counsel that she did follow their lead initially but now just throwing accusations that one has committed zina for the last 14 years is so absurd. She does not want to share the money further and she is looking for some statement that will sort of help her feel better. But Ana, tnis should be a wake up call to all of us to get our affairs sorted and never place our fate into a co wife’s hand. Because not all co wives have the same intent and some could be waiting to teach the other a lesson.

  • anabellah

    April 26, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    There is a huge message that should be sent to those who read here who are married 2nd, 3rd, or 4th in number. They should be aware that a wife who is considered a legal wife, but is not God fearing may take it upon herself to jerk around the other wife, attempt to punish the other wife, and take advantage of the situation of being legal by the laws of the country.

    The legal wife who is NOT GOD FEARING will disregard what Allah says in the Holy Quran. She will base what she does on her opinions and the laws that suit her – the laws of the land or will try to find some Islamic council or authority to support her position despite that it’s contrary to what Allah says in the Holy Quran. It’s sad the woman who marries a married man is subject to the hands of someone who will not want for her sister-in-faith what she wants for herself. It’s why polygamy can best work when all the parties to the marriage are believers. It’s appears very few people rely on what is in the Holy Quran – what Allah says. They act on their wants, desires and lusts of the heart.

    Allah sees, hears, and knows all things. Whether a co is deserving of good or bad, Allah knows best. All I know is I want to keep my nose clean meaning do what is right by people because the monetary gain or any worldly gain isn’t worth me risking a chance at being able to enter Jannah/Paradise. There is nothing but much good that one can gain by listening and obeying Allah.

  • Laila

    April 26, 2015

    Okay guys, this is my take on Edith’s situation. Here where I reside, if a husband goes way before his wives, the second has to have a valid marriage license to get whatever that should be hers. Polygamy here is legal. But to get the valid and legal license one has to do so many gymnastics. It is simply a long and tedious road. But not impossible. Mine took ages to get. But it gives a peace of mind and security. In Edith’s case, what is also disturbing me is by right she is supposed to have some sort of letter of nikah. If not, even a marriage picture will do. Edith sounds to me like a person who is particular. But that does not mean it is a real bad thing, all she wants is paperwork. Another issue is Sweden does not recognize polygamy so the co has her future in Edith’s hands. Which to me is crazy. But there should be somewhat a basic paper indicating a nikah did take place. The fact that her witnesses are now filing complaints against the co does make me wonder as to what the co is all about. I do feel bad for thd co but after reading Edith’s situation I sort of also understand where Edith is coming from. Zina is a serious sin. I don’t think the co would have had a 14 year commitment in zina. I believe there would have been a nikah that took place but her co is not giving everyone the right impression. Where are the basic papers? Why keep changing witnesses? It does give alarm bells to others. We all have been told to judge and personally I feel that the co has been concocting some lies.

  • rabiabint

    April 26, 2015

    Asa all

    I’m so over it .. I was just venting…. I cared for that brief moment but over it. Like seriously…. in the end we’ll all have to answer for our sins and so forth.

    I’m just going to keep doing what I was doing…focusing on me.

    He n the other can milk the system dry….I don’t have to be a part of it….

    and there is a huge difference with benefit to help people in transition and those that decide to live off it….by scheming and choosing not to work.

    They do it in the US too. It just urks me knowing that my husband is like that. Makes me enjoy the distance between.

  • anabellah

    April 26, 2015

    @rabiabint, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    There really is nothing wrong with your husband taking care of his other wife’s child, regardless of what the biological father does or doesn’t do. Your husband could be racking up mega barakats (blessings) for caring for the child. Who care whether the biological father can take care of the child or not. Your husband is doing a good deed by caring for the child, regardless of any other facts. Why shouldn’t he take care of the child, if he wants to? Nothing according to Islam says there is anything wrong with it. You shouldn’t discourage him from doing something good for the child and the child’s mother.

    I really don’t know where these Muslim are coming from in talk about answering for other people sins. Each and everyone of us will account individually for our own sins and no one else sins. No one is accountable for anyone else sins. On the Day of Judgement, we’ll be given our books with everything in it that has occurred with us in our entire lifetime. The book is for us to see. Allah knows and there is no need for Him to ask us any questions. It’s said that our body parts will speak out against us on the Day of Judgement. We should concern ourselves about what is written every second in our books. I hear often people saying how will you answer Allah on the day of Judgement about this that and the other. Those who Allah isn’t going to let into Jannah/Paradise won’t even see Allah on the Day of Judgement.

  • anabellah

    April 26, 2015

    @javiera, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I’m 100% with you on those “so called councils”. They claim to be authorities on our religion and they are no more of an authority than anyone who reads the Quran that Allah has given wisdom and knowledge. All these scholars, sheiks, councils and Imam mislead Muslims, causing them to think they can’t learn their Islam by reading the Quran themselves, and asking Allah to teach them and guide them. If Allah has said He made the Quran easy to understand and remember a Muslim doesn’t have to be one of the people that I mentioned above or need them. They make Islam appear complicated when it is not. Muslims are supposed to learn their religion. They are suppose to rehearse the Quran. They are not supposed to rely on other people for knowledge of their religion. When they do, they open themselves to misguidance.

    I had only quickly read rabiabint’s post when I commented about the government issue. I need to go read it more closely.

  • anabellah

    April 26, 2015

    @javiera, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Your comment went into spam. I retrieved it and then after reading it realized why. Certain words trigger spam. The mention of the other blog administrator triggered spam. I removed the portion of the post to make it pass approval.

  • javeria

    April 26, 2015

    Slms everyone :)

    im alil delayed so I apologise in advance for my delayed responses.

    @ ana
    I totally agree with u on the teacher concept. still a pity tho,that u arent able to share anymore.I find the sharing to be cathartic for me, im sure it mustve been some level of therapeutic for u as well.

    @ edith
    We’ve all heard this story now and I must admit,something is fishy with your co.but at the same time,I dont believe she committed zina.to my understanding there doesn’t need to be a sheikh or anything present to say you are now married. All is required is 2 male witnesses or 1 male n 2 female, the bride and groom and the brides wali.The bride and groom must then agree to be married in the presence of these witnesses and with the permission of the wali and voila you’re married.its that simple.so while they may not have had a formal ceremony or whatever the case may be, he and she spent 14 years telling people they were married.where is her wali in all this? The way i see it,if the wali says he agreed to a married and u can find any two people who can confirm they heard these people say they are married,its valid.period.that is the purpose of announcing a nikah.so that nobody will see u in the street and wonder.and then if something happens to your witnesses, it is then public knowledge that u are married.so im sure,after 14 years there are people who can vouch this info,in which case, im sorry but the council u speak of is judging on falsehood. Regarding the inheritance, your daughters should view the law of Allah before Swedish or any other law,in which case, they know their father claimed these boys as his children which makes them perfectly legitimate, and therefore entitled to inheritance.even then,if there wasnt legitimacy to the claim, they should be getting what shariah gives them, which prob is different to so called Swedish law as part of that inheritance would go to a mahram who would be charged with their care. At the end of the day edith, we arent here to judge you, just as that council and you have no place judging your co.If you look past whatever hurt and anger and resentment you hold at your inner self you will know what is right for you to do and how to go from here.The answer is in ypur heart, Allah has put it there for you.

    @ gail

    These so called councils are often not up to their self claimed worth. I dont know what place in quran or sunnah they have that a council must exist at all times to judge.

    @ rabiabint I dont get your story about your co and her child….so what if your husband is supporting that child?He is getting rewarded for it InshaAllah.It doesnt matter where the father is, if your husband has to support his child its probable that the father isnt bothered….i dont mean to assume, or to offend you but im confused.

  • anabellah

    April 26, 2015

    Edith, anyhow, you have let us all know what took place according to you. I doubt you could make it any clearer. You have let us know your intention towards your husband’s former wife and her children as well. People here have voiced to you their thoughts and views on the matter. You are no longer in a polygamous marriage. There is no other reason for you or her to have any more dealings with each other. I think it best you move forward with your life, and put her from your mind, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    April 26, 2015

    Edith,

    What really blows my mind is that the council, Egyptian authorities and Imans didn’t use the Quran as their criterion to judge the matter. The proper thing would have been to quash the question of the marriage and side with the co as having been married to Edith’s husband. It would have been proper for them to instruct you and the daughters to give the inheritance to the other wife’s sons based on the inheritance distribution as Allah tells us in the Quran to do. Whether you did it or not, would be on you and the daughters. Instead, the whole ugly mess resulted.

  • anabellah

    April 26, 2015

    Edith, what is hard for me to understand is how you seem to not think you’re the cause of all the problems. I can’t believe either that those people are going after the woman for those lies. Don’t anyone believe in letting something go. Don’t you and those people have anything better to do with your time? I can’t understand why you and them are so wrapped up in aggravating the woman when her husband just died. She didn’t commit zina/adultery. She was married to your husband. She’s running about out there lying about witnesses because you with nonsense are forcing her hands. I don’t in any way see you as a victim. I see her as one.

  • anabellah

    April 26, 2015

    @Gail,

    Edith was supposed to give the children what Allah in the Holy Quran says children should inherit from their parents. What Allah says in the Quran about inheritance supersedes any law of a country or state.

    There are no “Bastards” in Islam. Allah in the Holy Quran refers to children simply as children, orphans or brothers-in-faith (sisters-in-faith). “Bastards” are what the scholars and councils came up with based on nothing in the Holy Quran.

  • anabellah

    April 26, 2015

    @Gail,

    EXACTLY, you summed it up in a nutshell. People just take people’s word for it that people are married when they say they are. No one makes a mountain out of a molehill about whether someone is married or not, especially in a case such as Edith’s when it’s obvious. There would be no need for any council to determine anything had Edith simply acknowledged the woman was her husband’s wife and the children were his, which she knows. She doesn’t need any piece of paper to prove it, nor witnesses.

    Islamic marriages don’t have to be legal in terms of registering the document with any agency. Some countries require legally registered marriages, but it’s not necessary for a marriage to be valid between a husband and a wife.

    Some Islamic marriages aren’t written. I haven’t read anything in the Quran that says they must be. As Ummof4 stated, commercial contracts must be in writing. I know any obligation to be carried out in the future should be in writing in case people forget what they agreed to. Anything carried out on the spot doesn’t have to be in writing. I’m sure many marriages amongst Muslims were performed without any documentation, and still are. Marriages are supposed to be simple and easy to do.

    You said you don’t understand what the marriage has to do with anything if they were living together as husband and wife and have children together. EXACTLY again. There was no need for Edith to question the validity of the marriage. None whatsoever. Edith would have done right and good in just accepting that they were married and let Allah deal with whether they were or weren’t, if she truly didn’t believe they were.

    Edith got the ball rolling and now all these other agency are involved complicating the matter. Edith blames the former co for beginning the mess when all the co did was try to lay claim to some of her late husband’s property, which she is entitled to, as if it makes her a bad person.

  • Gail

    April 26, 2015

    Hey let me ask u ladies what is so important about these councils that say if a person is married or not.I mean to say can two people not just say ok we r married and thats that or does it have to be legal?I also don’t understand what the marriage has to do with anything if they were living together as husband and wife and have children together.I mean to label a child as a bastard even if it is truth is a hard pill to swallow.To me a bastard child would be if u did not know who the father was like in the case of a whore.I know religiously it means for those not married but logically we know the children r the husbands.

  • Gail

    April 26, 2015

    Ana,
    Yeah I know what zina is but I could not figure out why she thought to take the money back now I understand.

    Edith,
    What is bothering u about all this.I agree with u it does sound fishy about the husband and cowife and for sure she seems like a mean spirited woman and u 2 obviously do not or ever will be best friends.It seems like everything between u is over now and I would just move on.If lets say she was not married then it;s there problem not yours u believe u did your part and that should be ok with u as far as I can see.I will be honest I think your daughters did right to claim their share by law but I think it is unfair that the boys got so little just because their mom happens to be an A$$.No what I mean? I know it’s complicated being muslims I imagine your cowife will live with her sons now the rest of her life and I can see where if u give the boys u would be giving her as well.Anyway… Doesn’t really matter what anyone thinks it is your life and u have to live it the way u see fit.I do feel bad for the children though can’t help it.

  • Edith

    April 26, 2015

    I will try one last time to make what happened clear, since Ana obviously understands things wrong.

    My husband died. My daughters anounced they would claim the inheritence that Swedish law gives them. When this woman heard, she went to the masjid to have them try to make me force my daugthers to allow her sons get twice as much as my daughters. My daughters said no. They would have what the law grants them. My daughters are adults and run their own lives. I said I would share my husbands inheritence with the woman and her sons according to sharia, after his debts were paid. This I did, even though this woman has spewedhatred over me and my family ever since she came to this country. She has publically accused my daughters of selling sex e.g – when they were 8-9 years old! The masjid wanted to have her nikah-papers so they could use their council to persuade my daughters to give up their bulk of the inheritence. The woman said the papers are in Egypt and likely lost by authorities. The masjid contacted Egypt and they said no papers were lost but they could not find this woman’s nikah. She then gave names of “witnesses”, people connected to her/my husband. They said no, they had not witnesses. She then named other witnesses, people from masjid. They said no, they had not witnesses. She than went back to saying the first four names had been correct but she now claimed they were lying in kahoots to keep her from getting what was hers. THIS is why they have filed charges against her – for slandering them! Just as I described in an earlier post. She has called them liars and said they are trying to fraud her, so they have filed that she is a slanderer. And two of them can prove they were not even i Egypt when she claims they witnessed her nikah. I wrote this before, is it so difficult to understand?

    And yes, now our Islamic Council are saying I should claim back what I already gave, so as not to encourage zina. But I won’t. So I would please ask you Ana to reconsider your description in your lates post. It is neither true nor fair.

  • ummof4

    April 26, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Just a note on receiving government benefits. It is true that a husband and other men in the family and community are responsible for taking care of the women in their family and community. However, sometimes people don’t make enough money to take care of all of their expenses, even though they try. These families may have to rely on the government to help them with their expenses; usually with food or health care.
    No way am I advocating that Muslims do not work for a living and live off the government. Anyone who knows me knows that I believe that a husband and other men in the family have to take care of the women so that none of them have to go to work to pay household expenses. What women earn can be used as sadaqah to give to her husband or others, or to buy extras that the husband cannot afford.
    At any time, any family may have a situation where the family cannot support itself completely financially. Alhamdulillah for the governments who do have a safety net for temporary assistance for such families. If there was an Islamic state established in the world, that’s what part of the zakat money would be used for; to help those in need.

    Everyone have a successful day obeying Allah as He should be obeyed.

  • anabellah

    April 26, 2015

    @Gail,

    Zina, according to Islam, is unlawful sexual intercourse. Edith alleged her former co wife committed Zina,what Edith and her crew refer to as adultery. Edith, the Islamic Council and the Egyptian authorities allegedly have accuse Edith’s former co-wife of having had unlawful sexual intercourse with her husband SIMPLY because the former co can’t produce documentation that she and the husband were married although they lived together as man and wife for 14 years. She bore him two sons. He claimed the wife and children as his when he was alive. He lived with them and care for them.

    Since the former co has no documentation of the marriage, Edith, the Islamic Council and the Egyptian authorities have labeled the man’s children as “bastards”, illegitimate children, and children out of wedlock – basically, worthless pieces of sh!t. Consequently, Edith wants to keep all of her husband’s wealth except the scraps she threw at the son, which the Islamic scholars said Edith should be greedy and take back because if the co is allowed to keep the scraps, it encourages zina, although, no one has any proof that the woman was not married to the man.

    The former co allegedly lied about witnesses to her marriage, apparently to save her life and prevent being stoned to death having no proof of the marriage. The witnesses said they did not witness her marriage. So, she lied. The people she said witnessed the marriage intend or have file charges against the former co for saying the people she said were witnesses witnessed a beautiful thing called marriage. They accused her falsely of slander although she accused no one of any wrong doing, nor implicated anyone in any wrong doing, nor wrong anyone’s reputation. They simply want to destroy the woman and her children for no other reason than she engaged in polygamy and the first, greedy wife and daughters couldn’t handle it, nor accepted polygamy. Thus they all set out on an witch hunt to destroy the former wife and her children, the wife of Edith’s husband and her children. :-(

  • Gail

    April 25, 2015

    Ana,
    What is this Zina thing Edith is talking about.She says she feels guilty to give her co money I don’t understand this.

  • Gail

    April 25, 2015

    Edith,
    Everything aside I really think u should just build a bridge and get over it and move on with your life.If u don’t feel u did any wrong then just move on and let that Zina crap go.U can think u just gave her from the goodness of your heart I guess if u want to call it that.I am not trying to be a Smart A$$ or anything so please don’t take that way.Your also right there are always more than one side to a story and I for sure she did u dirty when she did not give your hubby the msg about your mom.I think it is time to just let it go,I don’t know why u r upset about teh whole zina thing sounds weird to me but I am not Muslim so can’t really comment on that.

  • Laila

    April 25, 2015

    Dear Rabiabint and Ana. In my side of the world no benefits of such are given. If the man wants to remarry, he has to prove to the Syaria Courts that is he capable of doing so. In terms of financially, and time wise. He also has to obtain the permission whereby a signature by the first wife to allow for the second marriage to be registered. Some men avoid the Syaria courts because of the way things are handled and the unwanted red tape that they go off to the neighbouring countries, get married, come back, re-register, pay a fine and move on with life. There are many reasons, one is to avoid the first wife from getting to know about it. Then there’s also the crazy red tape. But no, here we do not have any form of benefits for men who practise polygamy. I personally think that it is a good move. Or else, many will take advantage. A man must be able to financially afford to hand multiple wives and families. That is my take.

  • Cowives club (anisa)

    April 25, 2015

    Asalamu alikum

    so much going on and so many new members Ma shaa Allah Tabark Allah ..it will take time to catch up …just letting you i’m still around and reading

  • anabellah

    April 25, 2015

    @rabiabint, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I can tell you that here in the States, some Muslims do it, as well. It’s not a foreign policy. Some Muslim women receive benefits from the government and have a husband. The husband has more than one wife. Some men have been seen going in the Halal meat stores in the area and use their wives “Family First” card (government card). I had a post/thread on the older version of the blog about Muslims using/milking the system.

    What’s bothersome to me is many Muslim’s badmouth the government, but still have no problem living off the government. Some say if they could only have one wife and get benefits for the one wife, they need to have government help.

    I don’t take a position one way or another about it because I don’t have to be a part of something like it. It’s something that doesn’t concern me as it doesn’t effect me to the extent that I must voice a view on it. I mind my own business on that one. Somethings need to be spoken on and some doesn’t. I’ll acknowledge it exists, but I don’t have a good handle on what’s right, wrong or indifferent about it.

  • rabiabint

    April 25, 2015

    Asa all

    Is it common for muslims in Europe to live off the system and not claim to be married?

    I’m just observing Edith situation…theory the co and her hubby were married but not public and I discovered my co is receiving benefits for herself n her child. Our husband pays the rent for the govt. Home which is in her name so she doesn’t work.

    Yes he blabbering it to me and I said…so she’s cheating the system and you’re right there with her….she has three husbands….you, the child’s father and the government. Wow!!!!

    He tried to sugar coat it and say something like she’s tired of working

    So I said where does it say in Quran to live off the system? Don pull the Khadija line because She was a working woman she didn’t scheme the system nor cheat it.

    You’re just as bad because you know…and if you don’t I’m informing you. And you are caring for another mans child…the father attends the same mosque. I was like wow…you’re getting played but whatever. Now she’s claiming to be on her cycle for over a month but hasn’t gone for a check up. He’s asking me if this is normal….I said ask her..she should know…. he said she doesn’t. I said she could be menopausal. idk I haven’t gotten there yet.

    all he keeps saying is i know… I know…

    I said well be prepared you will have to answer for her sin my sins n yours. In the after life…say many muslim today never think about the afterlife but rather think of the now.

    we hung up and I just shook my head…told my father and he burst out in laughter…than stop and said she’s a theft and he’s just the same as she for allowing it.

    I was like yup.

  • anabellah

    April 25, 2015

    @who cares, Welcome!

    I’m glad you care enough to voice your thoughts with us. I appreciate it much.

    Sister rabiabint suggested a DNA test/paternity test, the same as you. If Edith really has doubt the children her husband claimed is his and his wife claimed are his as well, she should seek a DNA test.

    The only concern I have is that the test won’t make a bit of difference. Edith, supposedly the Islamic Council and the Egyptian authorities have labeled and branded the wife a Zina committing adulterer who was never married to the man and consequently has “bastards”, “illegitimate”, “out of wedlock” Muslim children that are not entitled to any inheritance and (my words- probably not the air they breath – some kill “bastards” in some countries). Of course, I totally disagree with all of the above, as it is soooo contrary to our beautiful religion – way of life – Islam.

  • who cares

    April 25, 2015

    a person who denies another their inheretance will not even get a whiff of jennah.

    if the husband actually told her they were his kids, and he never denied paternity, she should get a paternity test and test those kids against her kids, (if she doesn’t believe they’re his kids) if they share a father it’ll be obvious. just ask for hair samples or cheek swabs to be sent to you.

  • Laila

    April 25, 2015

    Dear Edith. I understand where you are coming from. You might feel that comments made are a bit of a tough pill to swallow. But when we blog here, nobody is given special treatment. When we err, we are told off. You are keeping scores my friend. You are pissed off that your co has been blabbing everywhere in regards to you and your daughters and you just cannot take it. That to me is acceptable. But how can just easily accuse her of zina? Do you have any indication that they really would have been living in sin all those years? My co has done me so many wrongs that are so horrible. You said that she refused to pass the message about your mother dying. How about me then? Hubbs and I were arguing on the phone and he was at her home. She instead of minding her business egged him on and kept telling him in the background that I was a huge mistake. He dropped a talaq to me on the phone and I heard her being so happy. How do you think I would have felt? I did keep that as a score and told myself that one day I will bite when the time is right. Yes, hubbs apologized and we got back. But I have also learnt over time, for me, not my co, that keeping grudges and scores is just not healthy, and takes my peace away and make me an unhappy woman. My thought now is this, I carry out my role as a wife to him, run our home, and do my part. As long as she is not meddling, I am okay. In fact I am happy. You know this is not right. If not you will not be here venting. Do what is right, ignore her, and let your heart be clear of all this. Your husband is gone, and I am sure he would be not happy to see you both fighting. Do what is right to her Edith. It will take time to let go. I took years. But I am way happier. I leave my fate to Allah. It was not an easy path. But now it is coming to me naturally. Without any force. Hope to hear from you soon.

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2015

    @Ariannah,

    I’m sorry; I may have come off a bit abrupt towards you. I didn’t know your intent in asking me whether my husband was in a polygamous marriage. You could understand why I was suspect of the question, now knowing I’ve been exposed.

    I’m happy to know you used to read my posts and story a few years back. Yes, I use to talk about EVERYTHING that was happening in my life. I pretty much gave a day by day and details. LOL It’s funny that it was sooooo easy for me to do. Maybe I shared too much… I certainly wouldn’t share all those things today. Maybe it was a way to discipline my tongue. Yah think???

    Anyhow, I’m glad I didn’t chase you away and you’re still here with us {{{hugs}}}

  • Ariannah

    April 24, 2015

    Ana,
    I’m sorry, I didn’t know your name was exposed in cyber. I enjoyed reading your posts a few years ago and noticed you didn’t talk about your personal life anymore.

    As for Ina… I am not trying to make her feel bad and I probably chose some wrong choice of words. I do like Ina. I understand that her husband can talk to his second wife as you mentioned. I didn’t know how long her husband has been with his second wife. I know that what islam and allah says, is what we follow. Not of how we feel and our opinions.

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2015

    Furthermore, do you think if I was Edith’s co that I would tell someone that I had no witnesses to my marriage, and couldn’t prove that it took place, so that when I go back to Egypt they’d stone and kill me? If they don’t stone and kill me, some other punishment awaits me. Now that’s lunacy. I’d put my faith and trust in Allah, repent to Him, ask His forgiveness and call it a day.

    Rabiabint is correct; we’re supposed to want for our brothers and sisters what we want for ourselves. A believer wouldn’t want to see some one get jacked up like that (accused of zina).

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2015

    Another thing I don’t understand, if the co lied about the witnesses having witnessed her marriage, what are those people charging her with? What she did was lied and say they witnessed the marriage? It was a lie. She didn’t slander them and say they did anything wrong or witnessed something wrong. She didn’t say anything derogatory or bad about those people. So, what is the charge of slander about? The slanderers are the people who have said the co committed zina, and have no proof.

    You know, it’s why there are so many terrorist groups out there and people blowing people and themselves up. It’s because no one knows anything about the Quran and they rely on scholars, sheiks, Imam and whomever to tell them what is what with Islam. Thus you have ignorant people blowing themselves up thinking they will go to Jannah and get some horrines (maidens). It’s a pathetic situation.

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2015

    @rabiabint,

    Thinking about it; I wouldn’t recommend to Edith’s former co to take a DNA test. The test would prove nothing more than that Edith’s children and the co’s children are related to one another and the husband was the father of the children. The co would still be accused of having committed adultery/fornication (Zina) because no one will believe that she was married to the man. Edith and her crew would still view the Muslim children as “Bastards”, out of wedlock, illegitimate kids – a slander. So, it really resolves nothing much. Apparently the husband didn’t have any question about the legitimacy of his boys. He stayed with the woman and took care of her and their boys till he died.

    It could very well be as Marie stated, (but we won’t know) – that she was receiving monies from the government to care for the boys. If the co were to admit to such a thing, she’d be in hot trouble. As Marie stated, she’d probably have to pay the monies back. She’d have to pay it back and/or be charged with fraud. The co is damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t. I’ve been a victim of people trying to hem me in, trying to get me to say something or admit something to jam me up really bad. I go with being labeled a liar than to fall for their tricks. There are some wicked evil people out there.

    @Marie,

    I agree with you 100% that Edith (nor the daughters) ever accepted polygamy. You see the earthly Hell the former co is going through now at the hands of Edith and those daughters. I’d imagine the co wasn’t very kind and receptive to them. Who would be?

    I don’t for the life of me know why, after the death of a husband, a wife who couldn’t get along with her co-wife, would be bothered with a co wife other than to pay her off and be rid of her. Pay her off and go on her merry way. Is there that much love of money in a person to go through what Edith and that co are going through? It’s totally unbelievable to me. Do what’s right for your own soul. Allah rewards the believer for it.

  • Marie

    April 24, 2015

    Edith. Also it appears you never really accepted that your husband married again. I think this is why you would rather go with the accusation that she and your husband lived in sin. Really their is no reason for a man and woman to commit zina for 14 years when they can get married, also I doubt the other woman would not push for marriage to be equal to you as she appears to dislike you very much. Maybe this is your last chance to accept polygamy, accept your husband married again and had two children.

    When the wife of the prophet was accused of zina, she said if she was to say she did, and she swears by Allah she never, everybody would believe her. But if she swears her innocence and by Allah she is truthful no one believes her.

    Ask yourself, do you think the other woman is liar to the extent that if she said she committed 14 years of zina would you believe her?

  • Marie

    April 24, 2015

    Edith. I think I’m beginning to understand the situation. Here’s what I think happend. Your husband and the woman was married, they kelp their marriage secret from the government in Sweden and in Egypt hence why their is no written contract. In doing this the woman was able to claim any state benefits as a single mother. She (the woman) doesn’t want to give up the names of the witness’s because she may get them in trouble, she hopes that her family (in Egypt) would cover for her but they didn’t, so she chose some other random people. If she tells the truth she may end up having to pay back any money she has received from the government and may face prosecution. She thought to go back to Egypt but since they think she is an adulterer, she now can’t.

    Edith, Imo, it’s done. Your husband is dead, you don’t have to deal with her or the children any longer. What you have given (money) is gone, I wouldn’t try to take anything back.

    I think the actions you have taken so far have been based on emotions, and kind of getting back at her. I think we have all acted on our emotions and have done some very unislamic things. I would advise to always ask for forgiveness for the things we know we have done and the things we don’t know we have done.

    You seem to have had a real tough time in polygamy, but you are not in polygamy any longer this trial is over for you. My only negative is that I feel you could have reaped some good deeds by showing your co kindness in the aftermath of the husbands death, it would have been very righteous given that you say she has been nothing but mean to you.

    I see that when you co refused to pass on a message to your late husband (about your mothers condition) because it was her day, you did the same when your husband died on your day. I’m not condoning it, but as I said you seem to have acted on emotions and built up resentment, it’s Ok Allah is the most merciful, seek forgiveness for hurting a Muslim.

    Your co may have had a very nice comfortable life while married to your husband. This situation could be her test. Don’t wrong yourself any further. Let it go and move on.

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2015

    Edith,

    YOU are the problem. You started the whole dilemma by trying to make her prove what you already know.You know that woman was married to your husband and bore him 2 sons. You are the liar and sslanderer.You caused the entire ugly mess.

  • Rabiabint

    April 24, 2015

    WAS Edith

    Thank you for clearing that up.. if the people she claimed said they weren’t present to the Nikah than ya- the nikah never existed. The Council cannot claim what is or isn’t a great sin… Only Allah is control of that… Who are these people? Like how bold… Gurl do what you feel is in your heart…. Speak to the woman- have a DNA test done on the children… and take it from there…

    Give what you feel is right for the kids… and see it as a form of Zakat/ Sadiqa… Sometimes having people involved can make matters worse.

    Now if the DNA came back that your children and hers aren’t related by blood.. or if she hesistates in having the DNA test done… Then you have a SOLID answer… Egyptian court isn’t about Allah- All children have dna from both parents….

    If they are related- treat her children as your own. And provide for them… if anything put a trust up for them that when they turn 18 they can have it.

    If they need anything provide for them. If the co “wife” ever comes around to tell you the truth and come clean about the matter.. handle it then.. but don’t get put these question in the hands of a human but to Allah (SWT) if you feel to give for the sake of Allah than that’s all that matters..

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2015

    Rabiabint,

    Oh, okay, I gotcha about DNA and the kids.

    I’m with you. It’s all about money. Edith apparently is looking for someone to say something to help clear her conscience. She maybe receiving pressure from her daughters and family members to diss the former co.

  • Rabiabint

    April 24, 2015

    WAS…

    DNA can be done between the kids… to see if they are related…if anything… 14 years- he and she were married… To say they weren’t is a bit a much and if they were- Why stay with a person that was committing zina… for the money? LOL that’s sound harsh.. but I’m being honest… If he was doing all this bad stuff and so forth.. why did she stay for 14 years and never said anything until he passed away? Like REALLY? All if sound strange and iffy…

    Its all about the MONEY… that’s what I gather in the end… hearsay and Money

  • Edith

    April 24, 2015

    Rabiabint:

    Please – have you read what I say? This woman has named first four witnesses as her nikah witnesses, all people who were known to her. They have all denied they ere there and they all support each other that they were not witnesses. Then when the woman was faced with this she altered her story and named four others. This time four names from people who were not connected with the families but with the masjid. Maybe she thought they were witnesses to so many nikahs they would not remember properly but they all denied being witnesses. Then she went back to saying it was the first four again, and saying they were all in kahoots lying. This is why these four people have made charges against her for slander. And some of them have also proved they were not at all there the months when she claims a nikah.

    Yhe council now say it would be a great sin on me if I encourage zina by giving more money. And the sharia court in Egypt has decided she was not married since she has been proved a liar about her nikah and the children are base born. So I do not guess at things.

    She could not file for child support from me. There is no such thing in Sweden. She could get child support from the state, my guess is she already does.

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2015

    @Rabiabint, As Salamm Alaikum,

    The way Edith talks everybody in the world should walk around with their marriage papers on their persons at all times. So when a person meets someone and the someone says, for instance, Oh this is my husband, introducing him, then the person should ask the someone for proof, for a marriage license? It’s crazy!

    The woman that Edith is dealing with is no stranger. Her husband lived with this woman as husband and wife for 14 years. She and the other wife, according to Edith, had many confrontations with each other.

    No DNA test can be done now as the husband is dead and buried. Edith had a chance to concern herself with proving the legetimacy of the children when he was living.

    It’s a nightmare. For those people to accuse that woman of adultery is a sin.

  • Rabiabint

    April 24, 2015

    ASA
    @ana

    The more a read about the fitnah .. the more upset I get.. because EVERYTHING is based on HEARSAY… and NO FACTS… The other woman would have STONED… might end up in Jail base on hearsay.

    @ Edith
    What have the Muslim world come too.. and what Islamic Council is believing or basing things on hearsay? I thought witnesses had to be present… I would go to them at all… if that’s the case.

    I mean- take a DNA test between the children… if you really want the answer… Look for the witnesses that was present at the other woman nikah… To give a couple of thousand to the 700 thousand to 7 thousand you received is a slap in the face… I mean really if she was smart I would file child support… and any money back owed would come to her.. and you as the legal wife of your late husband would have to pay it up. esp if DNA prove that the your children and hers are related..

    Again I can see why you are being conscience about the situation- Your husand past and this mystery woman appears claiming to be your co wife…

    So investigate the matter… DNA testing, Lie detector, invest in finding out the truth… hearsay holds no weight.

    And If what she says is true than make up the difference.. if what she say is false… then you know and you can wash your hands of it all.

    Simple

  • Rabiabint

    April 24, 2015

    ASA Ladies…

    OK-WOW.. Edith story is heavy…

    All I know is that if the “Papers was so important” in accordance to Islamic marriages- the Prophet (SAW) would have said so.. it would have been written in Quran. If there were witnesses present than it was a legit marriage.. In truth, my marriage wouldn’t mean anything accordance to Egyptian law because I misplaced my nikah contract… or its with my husband..

    @Edith you don’t have any solid proof that 14 years of marriage to the other woman isn’t true. And it seem like all of it is hear say… Imam says this and so and so says that and blah blah on to the next.

    She’s not here to defend herself.

    You’re not the bad person… but trying to make the other co look like a bad person isn’t right either.. Especially since you are now finding out about her…. Whose to say your husband didn’t give her some story about you?

    I think its best that you two sit down together and solve the matter… have a middle person present.

    Whose to say she commited zina- there’s no PROOF nor Witnesses… and if the Egyptian council is going to go by hear say… then they are stuck in the dark ages…

    Say she made tawba.. that’s between she and Allah (SWT) if she and you late husband did go there… she’s not suppose to advertise “I made TAWBA world”

    Lets say she is your co wife… We are not true believer until we want for our brother what we want for ourselves.

    Her children aren’t iligitment if there were witnesses at the wedding… I mean I never heard of “Paper marriage” existing during the time of the Prophet (SAW.

    I misplaced my nikah contract ( or my husband has it) so if he and I went to Egypt- they wouldn’t acknowledge our marriage… would we have to keep our witnesses on speed dial?

    Yes it was totally wrong and cruel to not inform her of the death of your husband… She has children with him and if you don’t believe it – get a DNA test…

    Gurl Money make people do strange things… Kept it to yourself and trying play on you conscience that you are doing good… will eat at you….because you know it may not be the right thing…

    yOU CAN ALSO THINK OF IT AS A FORM OF CHARITY… We’re to give to those in need…SOOOOOOOOOO

    Give it up… In the end if she’s wrong Allah will reveal it… but you are doing more harm to yourself – an inside battle with the while thing.

    that’s my thought about it…

    We should want for our brother and sister in islam what we would want for ourselves… How you handled the situation was totally incorrect… but you have time to fix it.

    Make istakhara… until you get a right answer…

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2015

    @Edith,

    I’m beginning to repeat myself and you aren’t hearing a word I’m saying. I’m getting tired of going around in circles. I have based what I’ve said to you on what I know of the Quran. It’s not baseless opinions. If anyone here has something to say about the matter to Edith – PLEASE speak…

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2015

    @Edith,

    Are you serious? Are you really, really serious? You quote an ayah about avoiding negative assumptions. Did you read and understand the ayah? Why then are you assuming that the woman is not your husband’s wife? Why are you assuming that those children are not your husband’s children? And here you come referencing the ayah about backbiting. So, I guess you’ve been backbiting up a storm here on this blog, saying your co was not married to your husband and those children are illegitimate and accusing her of Zina with absolutely no proof. It’s something how people dismiss everything in the Quran other than to go grab an ayah every now and again in an attempt to support their position. I believe in the entire Quran, each and every ayah.

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2015

    @Edith,

    Bad treatment is not letting your husband’s other wife know that her husband died when he died. Bad treatment is letting her know that he was dead after you had him buried. Bad treatment is to continuing to yap and blab off at the mouth that the woman committed Zina (adultery) when you have been given the Ayat (verses) from the Quran that addresses Zina. When it comes to Zina we are instructed that it’s best for us to say the allegation is a lie and not support the allegation. You have been supporting the allegation in repeating what the council, Imam and Eygptian authorities have been saying that your husband’s other wife committed zina. You have been supporting what they say about the children as being illegitimate in calling those Muslim children “Bastards”. You are too thick in the skull to understand that children and no one is responsible and accountable for another person’s sins. Even if those children’s parents were not married, those children are legitimate children with a mother and a father who both claim them as theirs. Those Muslim children are legitimate children the same as yours are. You question whether your husband is the father of her children. I would you feel, if people questioned whether your husband is the father of your children. Based of what you have been saying, it’s okay for people with no evidence to say your children are illegitimate.

    Frankly, I don’t know what you gave her for those children. One minute you said you gave them a few thousand dollars out of the seven hundred thousand dollars that you kept – I don’t remember the exact number. Another time you said you were not going to give them what Allah says in the Holy Quran – which is supposed to be more than what your daughter should have received. Next, you said the council and those people said not to give your husband’s children anything, because they were illegitimate (despite the fact that your husband is the father of those children who your husband claimed as his). Next, you said you gave according to the Shariah law, whatever that is. So, frankly, I don’t know what you gave. You, your husband’s other former wife and Allah know.

    You’ve got a serious problem is you find no wrongdoing in your thoughts and actions that you hold onto.

  • Edith

    April 24, 2015

    What is the horrendous treatment?

    I gave her and her children their share according to sharia.

    I have never said a bad word about her in public.

    I informed her of my husband’s death within 24 hours.

    What is the horrendous treatment?

    “O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not ..backbite each other.

    It seems to me Ana there is much negative assumption going on here.

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2015

    @Edith,

    I’m sure your former co did some aweful, terrible things to you when your husband was alive. It’s not unusual that co-wives do all kinds of terrible things to the other wives. Usually it’s the co’s going at it with words, in text, emails and by phone. Some have tried to poison another, as in Gail’s situation; her co tried to poison her, according to Gail. I really don’t know what your co could have possibly done to you that warrant the horrendous treatment she has received at the hands of you since the death of the man who was your and her husband.

    I’m seeing first hand that no one seems to care about what Allah says. Accusing someone of Zina is a very serious offense. You should know that TODAY in the 21st century in countries with a large population of Muslims, woman are stone to death, which is contrary to what Allah swt says in the Holy Quran. Stoning and death is not the punishment for Zina/Adultery. If there were NOT four witnesses to the act of intercourse a woman should not be accused of Zina. Do people care what Allah say? A lot don’t.

    In your situation, it’s is wrong to accuse your former co of adultery just because she can’t prove she was married to your husband when you know good and darn well she more than not was. Not all marriages are documented. What happens when witnesses die or relocate and there is no documentation? Are the women automatically charged with Zina and stoned? It’s wrong and you support a serious wrong doing.

    If I were able today to speak with your former co, I would tell her to move on and forget about any money and house or anything from you. Allah will deal with the matter.

    No, you didn’t tell us all that your former co did. What could be worse than a wife not telling her husband’s other wife that her husband is dead, and then go and bury the husband without the co knowing just because you were concerned about your feelings and your families feelings on the day of the burial? That “woman” was your husband’s wife and her children were your husband’s children. Allah says put the best construction on something such as an allegation of Zina. It’s what Allah says, not a scholar, Imam or council. The best construction based on the evidence presented is that she was your husband’s wife and those children were your husband’s children. It doesn’t take a scholar or sheik or an Imam to figure it out based on what Allah tells us in the Holy Quran and He says He has made the Quran easy to understand and remember. So, if you want to go with what some scholar, Imam and council says oppose to listening to Allah, help yourself.

    Now, you’re concerned about what some strangers are saying to you and your daughter and the situation and what your co is writing on FaceBook. Okay…

  • ummof4

    April 24, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum Edith,

    I don’t think you are a bad person. Alhamdulillah, that you have not told us all of the bad things that your husband’s other wife said or did over the years. Since you did not do that, some people assumed that you were just angry at her because she was married to your husband, not because of anything she had done or said to or about you and your dayghters.

    You probably come here to vent, because it is a safe place. We can only make conclusions or offer our opinions or advice based on what we are told. I am not in a position to say that what the judges decided was incorrect; I just encourage you to give some money to the children that your husband acknowledged as his sons because it will be taking care of orphans.

    You’re okay with me.

  • Edith

    April 24, 2015

    Ok. I’m a bad person.

    But as I said earlier, this woman has been spreading horrible lies about me on twitter and facebook almost since day one I was told of her existance. It’s not like she was all good until husband died. No, she has been posting lies about my daughters being whores e.g. eversince they were like 9 or ten. She has written that I’m a witch. She has written that I tried to poison people. And this has been going on for more than 10 years. Not since my husband died. When my mother was dying, I left word with this woman because my husband has never learned to like a mobile phone. She stopped him from getting the message, and he was not there when my mother died to say goodbye and help. She said since it was her day she was right not to give message to him. I could tell you hundreds of examples.

    So don’t tell me I caused her malice. I did not send word of my husband’s until the day after. I should have done otherwise, but I couldn’t. If she had come I could not have been there nor any of my family.

    I did share with her. Have you forgotten? I shared with her according to shariah, but first all my husbands debts were paid, including his debt to me. I could not hinder my daughters from taking what was legally theirs. But then I shared. Now, the islamic council says I shouldn’t have. They say it fosters zina if inheritence in zina is allowed. So now I have anguish over that.

    I find it very difficult to understand how you all seem to twist and turn everything to say I did wrong. She is innocent, good, a poor victim. I don’t understand it. You call me a slanderer, a thief and a bad muslim. I think this is unfair. And you keep saying things that are untrue. “You are the one who turned her into a lunatic” – It saddens me Laila. I have seen you write about anger how people condemn you and come her and hold things against you without knowing you. It seems to me you are doing that to me. :(

  • Laila

    April 24, 2015

    Edith I think you are fighting with your own moral compass on this matter. You buried your husband without even informing her stating that you did not want to face anything unwanted and you wanted to grieve. Now you have stated that she is a liar because she has no papers to prove she was his wife. She bore him two sons Edith. What more do you need? I am sure your late husband also referred to her as his wife. So what more information is lacking. Why entertain strangers? Is your life based on information provided by them? If I allow strangers to tell me things on my husband I think I would also take a gun and shoot myself. It is either you share equally or you can go on defending yourself on the pretext that she has no papers. You can beat that tune till you enter your grave. So do not judge her so fast. I for one would not be sitting quietly if my co buried my husband without even informing me. Knowing me, I would resort to legal counsel and not Facebook. You started the mess, so don’t try and say your co is a lunatic. You are the one who made her into a raving lunatic. You robbed her or the last goodbye, and you are now robbing her of her inheritance. So leave the sugar coating defensive statements.

  • Gail

    April 24, 2015

    Ana,
    I 100% agree with u about the house and Edith! Hopefully Edith will come around and see it as well.

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2015

    Dear Gail,

    You know what I think about the property not being available for you. Something much better awaits you, Insha Allah. Just be patient and persevere.

    About Edith’s situation, the co should thank Allah much that she’s not in a country that follows Shariah Law. She’d be stoned and dead already based on hearsay. They’ve got the woman labeled an adulterer. She’s been robbed of her children’s inheritance and now Edith says the woman must be mentally ill because she’s angry and upset. Don’t forget, Edith had the husband buried in the ground before the co was made aware he had died. It’s a frigging nough to make a person crazy. UNBELIEVABLE!!!

  • Gail

    April 23, 2015

    Edith,
    She is not ill she is angry because of the situation and she is lashing out at u and your daughters.I am sorry but i feel u r in alot of ways to blame for what is going on here by treating her like your husbands mistress.Again the time to have said something was years ago and u did not now that u stand to gain financially u are trying to make excuses and it is so not kool Edith.Just either do the right thing and help her or tell her and her children to F@@K off.There is no way I can see u turning your back on them and ever feeling in your soul u did the right thing.
    It’s your life but i hope u do the just and fair thing for your own soul sake.
    Also u have your 2 daughters looking at u as a role model and u better believe they r going to watch u and see what u do and follow in your footsteps because the apples don’t fall far from the tree.
    Also I get your cowife is a complete Witch to u but Edith this is not about her or you in reality it’s about against all odds doing the right thing by heart.Hope this helps as I really feel u r mentally struggling and I know first hand how horrible that feels.
    Another piece of advice don’t think so much about your late husband and his life it will only upset you and you can’t change the past.I would say for your own mental health just let it go and move on with your life.

  • Gail

    April 23, 2015

    Ana,
    I was a day late on putting a bid in on that property but i am looking at more properties in that area.I will find something soon i am sure. I want to grab doublewides with land and fix them and sell for around 100,000 owner financed so lets see.
    As far as Edith I really am clueless as to why this is bothering her so bad as I find it very simple either give the fair share or don’t.I don’t see any logical sense in beating a dead horse on this matter.I see it like this and I mean no disrespect here but the time to scream was 14 yrs ago not now.You know the saying shut up and sit down I really think that is what she needs to do at this point because it makes her look bad in peoples eyes as well.I am sure people close to her would be thinking dang Edith why did u not speak up before it just looks bad and obviously there were living together as husband and wife.Seems NUTS to me but to each their own.I feel bad for the kids they deserve part of their dads estate just like his daughters from Edith do also.It serves no purpose to act like they r bastard children.They truly do not deserve that from Edith or their own blood sisters and if Edith is encouraging this even 1% it is just wrong.Now mind u I have stated before I would not give all and i would split 4 ways equal and if Edith can not do that at least pat for the boys college and let them stay in the home until after college.That seems fair and just.I feel Edith is struggling within herself on this matter and I do believe these r the moments in life that truly defines one true character.I say always always always if u r going to era the era on the side of love and compassion so u never go wrong.

  • rabiabint

    April 23, 2015

    No worried sis… Its all .

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2015

    @rabiabint, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I suppose your post read differently to me. I didn’t mean to offend you. Saying you didn’t want to speak ill of her didn’t come across to me that you didn’t know her and had nothing to share. No one expect you to make anything up. I apologize for the misunderstanding. In the past every now and again someone would come to the blog scolding us about speaking about co-wives, saying it was backbiting. I got to the point I just didn’t approve those posts and I put a notice up that if anyone thought it was backbiting, keep it themselves or take there opinion else where. How do they think people get advice, if they don’t share details of what’s happening in their lives? The whole purpose of blogging anonymously and with aliases is so that we could speak freely. We’re blogging globally. Any who. I didn’t mean to offend you.

  • rabiabint

    April 23, 2015

    Asa ladies

    @ana I wasn’t throwing shade to anyone her. I said what I said solely for me…. I can’t speak about some one I never met. The other ladies here have either met or spoken to their co wives and so forth.

    I have speculation about her but that’s based off of hear say. So no I wasn’t being arrogant. I was being honest in not slander or express my thoughts on someone I don’t know. and I wasn’t trying to make anyone feel bad or forth.

    I am offended that you would think I was being arrogant. No I don’t think I am better than any one else…. in here… maybe you read my post wrong. I said I wish I could share the info of my co nut I will keep it to myself…. aka…don’t want blab nonsense without any facts….how is that being arrogant?

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2015

    I think it’s a sad state of affairs the Muslim community is in today. It seems there aren’t very many people at all out there who fear Allah. It’s amazing that a Muslim man and a Muslim woman live together as man and wife and have children together. He had let his first wife know that he married another woman who is his wife and he lets his first wife know he has children by his other wife. The man then dies suddenly. The wife who married first then makes the second wife jump through hoops, turn somersaults, beg, borrow and plead, go through all kinds of changes to get inheritance for her children. It’s a crying shame. There has to be no fear of Allah for a Muslim woman who puts her Muslim sister and Muslim children through such a thing. I could see if the wife’s husband died and she all along was never aware her husband had married another woman. She thought her marriage was monogamous the entire time. Then a strange woman shows up at her door steps with children and say I’m your husband’s wife and these are his children, we want what is our due (Inheritance). I’d say, show me some proof. Something like it would make total sense that she’d require evidence of the marriage having taken place . It doesn’t make sense for a wife to know her husband has said he married again and he lives with the woman 14 years, producing two son by the woman and the first wife does nothing about it until he dies. She then takes the woman and her children through a Hell on earth. Now, that is sad.

  • Edith

    April 23, 2015

    I do not know she had children by my husband. I know she has children. I do not know who she was with when my husband was with me. She could have been with any man.

    It seems to me I don’t know who I was married to. So many things are coming to light. I am swarmed by people who tell me things about her and about my husband I have had to start screening my phone because I do not want to know.

    I know my daughters started to ask questions to people. I have told them to stop because this is what gets people talking. I am trying to move on but right now I am in a swamp of things I have based my life on being lies. Who was the man I was married to? I don’t know. There are so many things I am starting to find odd looking at our life in retrospect. Now I wonder what more were lies? How big an idiot have I been?

    And that woman is vomiting all over me and my daughters on facebook. She writes that the council have been duped by me and that my daughters probably have offered them sex to rule against her. And that is about the best thing she wrties, the other things are to horrid to write here. I’m starting to think she is ill in the head.

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2015

    Furthermore, your husband claimed her as his wife and claimed those children as his children. The Pope and Bill Clinton didn’t.

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2015

    Well, you know she wasn’t living with the Pope or Bill Clinton, nor did she have any children by them. You know she was living with your husband for 14 years and has children by him. It’s a major difference.

  • Edith

    April 23, 2015

    Yes I have proof she is a liar. No I have no proof she wasn’t married to my husband. Nor have I any proof she wasn’t married to the pope or Bill Clinton.

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2015

    In the Quran children are referred to as children or orphans. Allah says call children by their fathers names. If we do not know their fathers names, call them our brothers in faith. He did not say call them bastards, illegitimate children, children out of wedlock, or anything of the sort. Children, each and every one of them, has a mother and a father. I don’t care what the council, Imam, Egyptian authorities, say. Allah did not say it. What they say is innovation. It is all made up.All Muslim children are to inherit exactly as Allah says despite their parent’s situation. Children are not accountable for what their parents do. It is simple.

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2015

    @Edith,

    you may have proof that she lied about witnesses to her marriage. It is not proof that the marriage never occurred. Perhaps there were reasons why she didn’t want people to start digging and searching for information in Egypt. I don’t blame her. Why complicate matters when you knew she was living with your husband for 14 years as husband and wife and bore children by him.

  • Edith

    April 23, 2015

    I think she would not have opened the can of worms if she had realized what they would do. I have now been told that when the council told her they had sent for the papers from Egypt she began to try to come up with reasons why they should cancel the request. I gathered from the imam that this is what first made them suspicious. I believe she thought they would simply buy her story and wrestle me into giving in. She had not reckoned that they would try to enforce her claim by getting the papers. As soon as they told her she began to tell them stories of how their papers most likely would have disappeared. This I have been told now by the imam and the council. I have no reason the doubt their word, all reason to doubt hers. I don’t see why you would take her words over the masjid council, the Egyptian authorities and several people that she falsely had said witnessed her nikah.

    The council sent me a letter saying that according to most scholars illegitimate children only inherite from their mother and they concluded that they had been wrong when they first approached me.

    So, I am not a liar, nor a slanderer nor a thief.

    I have always tried to do right by others and to obey the commands of Allah swt. I am feeling now like in a tornado of things I do not understand.

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2015

    @rabiabin, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    If you don’t want to talk about your co wife, fine and good. Don’t speak of her. But, you come across very arrogant in your post. No one here just sits around yapping and badmouthing their co-wife/ co-wives as a pastime. The wives here have serious issues that they discuss. They are trying to cope with a lifestyle that is foreign to them – Polygamy. If you don’t want to speak ill of your co wife, good for you. It does not make you above others here who are seeking assistance. it is okay to relate stories to seek assistance. If people didn’t talk and share their life experiences and issues, there would be no polygamy 411.

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2015

    @javeria, Wa Alaikum As Salamm,

    You are right; there are some people who have trouble learning on their own, and need others to help them. Allah doesn’t leave anyone out there alone who He intends to guide. I’ve heard the saying – when the student is ready, the teacher appears. I believe it. Allah says he places the believers together, as well. I don’t say everyone has to be self-taught. I simply don’t go with those who say a person MUST sit with this, that and the other person to learn Islam and MUST read it in Arabic to get the correct understanding.

    javiera, yes, it is the reason I don’t speak of my personal life any longer. For 5 1/2 years of the blog’s existence up until August 2014, my life was an open book for all to read. It can be that way no longer. I totally believe everything happens for a reason and when others exposed my true identity, it was time I focus on moderating and writing posts and answering questions. It’s not just mainly about me any longer. In all things there is a purpose.

    I can’t stress enough to everyone that I will not and I will not allow anyone else to reveal a persons true identity on this blog. I respect everyone’s privacy and will assure that others who blog here respect other people’s privacy as well. Everyone has my word on it. We all blog with integrity here.

    About Edith’s situation, I go with you that a person most likely wouldn’t open a can of worms unless the person had a legitimate claim. I see it that for some reason or another Edith’s co and the husband didn’t have formal documentation of the marriage. I will give the co the benefit of any doubt that she was married to the man. She may not have been entitled to much for herself, but their sons were entitle to what Allah says in the Quran with regard to inheritance, whether anyone liked what Allah says or not. I think the whole matter got ugly simply because Edith and her daughter’s anger and greed got the best of them. It’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

  • ummof4

    April 23, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Edith, Shukran for reminding us about the situation and how the imam got involved. However, now that it is clear, I don’t believe anyone here is upset with you about whether the nikah was valid or not. I pray that the nikah was valid, just without written documentation.

    In the time of Prophet Muhammad(SAWS) many contracts and agreements were written and many were oral. As the years have passed, it has become more necessary to leave a paper trail. Witnesses move from place to place and people’s memories are not what they used to be before a lot of written records were kept. However, we have to be careful about what is mandatory and what is not mandatory in Islaam. It is my personal opinion that there should be a written record of marriages with qualified witnesses, whether it is to the first, second, third or fourth wife. It just makes everything easier in the long run. I do not know that Allah has made it mandatory to have a writtten record of marriage, but He has made it mandatory to have a written record of certain types of business agreements. This is in the Qur’aan in Surah Al-Baqarah.

    Let’s all pray that Allah has mercy on us all and we obey Him in the way that He should be obeyed.

  • Rabiabint

    April 23, 2015

    ASA ladies

    I have to head off to work but inshallah I will catch up on the reading…
    Dh and I had a nice conversation today… We try to converse weekly and plan out his upcoming visit.

    We laughed and so forth.. HE said something like most of the sisters posted here He said “you always try and look for the positive things in everything…” I was like Ummm yeah I have my moments but why look at the grey? He asked me – but why do it look at the gray? I said because its’ easy… Looking on the bright side makes us think… We’re lazy creatures… he laughed and we gave salaams…

    Any who I’m off too work.. BOOO- I wish I caould share the info of my co but I don’t want to talk ill of her.. so I keep it to myself…. Love you all my sisters of Islam and daughters of UmmAisha (RA)

  • javeria

    April 23, 2015

    Slms all

    @ ana
    Good to know ur perspective.everyone has a way to learn,I guess as long as we make an effort InshaAllah we’ll all get somewhere.just wondering, because I know for some people it is hard to ‘self teach’.my sister being one of them.If she doesnt have someone to explain something to her,she struggles to grasp the concept,whatever it may be.I think some people just need the personal contact or something so I guess that would be where the scholars etc come in.some people can read and understand something on their own…we’re all different
    I noticed that u never discuss yourself and I wondered why.now I know.its a shame that someone disregarded your privacy that way.

    @ ina
    To be honest, I think your husband is maybe avoiding discussing the issue of the boy as well as the schedule organising to avoid confrontation. It sounds like hes sticking his head in the sand so he doesnt have to deal with the situation. Thats just my 2 cents.Id kick his butt into gear.its his job to deal with ur co and whatever shes doing n not doing and his duty to make sure things r fair n equal.u shudn be having to police him.

    @ edith

    Im seeing tht whatever happened with this woman happened from whatever she herself instigated. Though I cant understand how someone would open rhat can of worms if they knew they had no real claim….weird

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2015

    @Edith,

    You are correct. I am wtong. I did not remember correctly. You did say from the onset that an Imam on her behalf approached you in an effort to obtain inheritance for her children and herself. Please excuse me for my error.

  • Edith

    April 23, 2015

    Salaam

    ANa, with respect, there are many things that are wrong with what you calim about me. I tried to copy some of what you wrote to be able to answer but it doesn not seem to work. Anyway, you write that I found an imam to help me. That is not true. As I wrote, the imam came to me because that woman had gone to him to have him force me to let her and her sons inherite twice as much as my daughters. He came to me to try to coerce me into giving monies to that woman. It was the council at the masjid here that asked her for papers on nikah, so they could use them to help her get money from me. When she could not give them papers, they sent to Egypt for them. That is when all her lies started to unravel and the council investigated it properly with the help from authorities in Egypt. I had nothing to do with it.
    You say now she can not go to Egypt because I have slandered her. That is untrue. I have not slandered her. I have never spoken about her publically – except from here anonymous. No, the reason she can not go to Egypt is that the authorities there now know, because of the investigation I just described and because the “witnesses she claimed for her nikah (all people my husband knew so they were no strangers either to him or her and not people she would be uncertain about had they witnessed a nikah), that she has lived in zina and had children out of wedlock and tried to get monies in a fraud claim and so she would be facing criminal charges if she went to Egypt. It has nothing to do with me.
    So right now I feel that I am the one who has been slandered – here.

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2015

    Laila,

    I’m with you. I wouldn’t wish someone like Ina’s Co on my worse enemy. Her co is one serious piece of work. Insha Allah, she’ll grow up sooner than later. Until then, Ina’s got her work cut out for her. All wives in polygamous marriages go through crasiness, but Ina’s Co tops the cake. Ina has got to focus on Allah to stay sane and composed. Ina will prevail, if she stays focused.

  • Laila

    April 23, 2015

    Wow Ana. That was certainly very informative to me. I did not know really that some places of the world that no paperwork is needed.

  • Laila

    April 23, 2015

    Ana, I feel bad for Ina because she has young kids. At some point my co’s kids were young and they really needed a father. It is tough if the co here always wants her way. She also has to learn that polygamy means sharing, sharing in a fair manner. She may feel that her diagrams and all is very informative. But the thought that she felt she needed more days shows her selfishness. What you feel in your heart will reflect into your actions. I am not for being best of friends with my co, but some form of mutual respect must be there for one another. We cannot always have the idea that our needs outweigh others. Sometimes we give, and sometimes we take. It is also healthy because in the long run, nobody is fighting, everyone is running their own lives and the best part is life is peaceful. Fighting and arguing and going back and forth just robs you of the simple joys in life. I remember those days of always fighting. I was always sad, and I was so withdrawn. I always felt divorce was the best option. I just did not see any other way really. In short, I felt so ignored.

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I can’t remember if it was Gail or someone else who said in villages of some countries there is no formal documentation of some marriages. It doesn’t mean the marriages didn’t take place, nor does it make the marriages invalid. As Ina said, it makes no sense that the wife was from Egypt, a country that probably recognizes polygamy and she didn’t have a nikah. As long as there were the required witnesses present and he offered her a dowry, not much more was needed. As I said, I don’t know who the witnesses to my nikah were. The fact that Edith’s husband said she was his wife, they were together for 14 years and she bore him children, it would have been best for Edith to have taken it at face value and let Allah deal with the authenticity of the marriage. Whatever she would have given the wife and her children, I’m sure she would have been rewarded for it, if she did it seeking the good pleasure of Allah.

  • Laila

    April 23, 2015

    Dear Ana. Yes, I remember those days of just trying to regulate the days was such a nightmare. But we as wives did not create the schedule. We just talked to him, through him…. and we finally hit the jackpot. But I must say this, having a rigid no nonsense schedule has certainly helped a lot. We only do a bit of changes when it comes to celebrations etc. Initially my co was wanting to put in her input but you are right, when wives interfere in some manner, all hell can break loose. The fact of the matter is, the husband must do the ground work. He has to listen to both sides and then decide on a proper schedule that works. Because other than the wives time, it is also him running around. It is pointless to me if the husband also feels like a headless chicken running from one home to another. The schedule has to be fair to not only wives but also to the husband. He too is going to get burnt out in the long run. That is my take on the schedule issues based on my experiences. But one thing I have also learnt is, we as wives should not be so petty. We cannot ‘calculate’ right to the last hour of fairness in time. There can never be perfection really. I as much as I have my beef with my co. I do not get petty. I just do not see the point. Meaning. If that Saturday was for me. And her kids had something up. I am alright if he spends the morning sorting out the kids issues and then comes home to me in the afternoon. I would also be happy if he did not lie and said he went to work instead. Usually so far, he is pretty straight up when situations like these come up. Because things can happen and if I decide to call his office and he is not there?!… Hell can happen on my side.

  • Laila

    April 23, 2015

    Dear Ana. Here is my take on Edith’s case. I too am a second wife. I have paper documents to show I am a wife. I even remember the witnesses because two of them were my husbands personal friends. But I have some form of documents to show I am also a wife. I am just a bit perplexed because why does Edith’s co not have any documentation? Legal or not. Just something to show the nikah went on.

  • anabellah

    April 22, 2015

    Ariannah,

    Nothing says just because the husband talks to the other wife for a certain length of time that he must talk with each wife the same amount of time. It’s ludicrous to think such a thing. Husbands are not slaves to their wives. His time during the day is his own to talk to any of his wives for as long as he wants. There is no fair and just in who he speaks with and how long. Do you really think Allah puts that kind of burden on men. He’s got to email one and then email the other? I guess next a person would say if he kisses one on the cheek he’s got to kiss the other, as well. Even if he were to talk to one wife all morning, go home to her at night, and not speak with the other wife at all that day, it is okay. Everything doesn’t have to be tit-for-tat. In actuality the husband must not leave the wife hanging in that she doesn’t know whether she has a husband at all or she feels as though she doesn’t.

    You asked Ina whether her husband is “more attracted to the co or what?” What kind of question is that? How should she know. He hasn’t divorced Ina and he still shares time between his two wives. Ina never express that her husband shows her no love. You should consider that Ina is married to her husband for probably umpteen thousand years (of course an exaggeration). She has two sons whom he fathered. He and Ina have a history together. He just recently got with Ms. Hot Pants. She’s probably young enough to be his daughter. Of course he’s all up her @$$. What do you think? I don’t know if you really didn’t know or you wanted to make Ina feel bad. His other wife was having cybersex with him before their marriage, according to Ina. She saw the chats or whatever they were as confirmation of it. Just because the man chats on the phone the wife whom he just married, and doesn’t chat with his wife of 10 or 20 years, means what? He’s still getting to know the woman whom he just recently married. They are in their honeymoon phase.

  • anabellah

    April 22, 2015

    @Rahma, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Ummof4 gave you some very good suggestions on how to cope with your husband being away on his wedding day and night with another woman who has become his wife. I thought your question warrants a post, as most women in the situation such as yours go through what you’re going through. Here is a link to the post:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamous-wedding-night-blues/

  • anabellah

    April 22, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    It’s nice to hear you are at a good place in your marriage where you don’t feel a need to battle with your husband and his other over a schedule. I think most wives go through the tussling over the schedule in the early days of polygamous marriages.

    I don’t think it has much to do with wives wanting to spend time with their husband. It has more to do with rivalry. It has to do with the one wife not wanting the other to get anything more than what she has, not a minute more, definitely not an hour more. Forget about it when it comes to days more. The wives become competitive. It really has nothing to do with the husband. I think it’s part of the process women go through in coping in polygamous marriages. It’s part of the beginning stages of polygamy.

    I don’t think what Ina is going through with her co is unusual at all. Ina is handling it a bit better than the co because Ina has more going on in her life, with children, a home, etc. She sounds to be on her game with regard to her Islam, and is knowledgeable of our religion – way of life. Her co, on the other hand, has none of it. The co is driving HERSELF crazy.

    What helps woman to overcome dealing with trivialities with matters such as a schedule is knowing that Allah determines what we get, when we get it, and how much we get. It pertains to time with a husband, as well. A wife only gets the time with her husband that He (Allah) has decreed for her. When a woman realizes it, believes it and accepts it, she becomes content and at peace in her life with whatever way a schedule goes. She knows Allah is a Just God and He has a reason for all that He does.

    Now, I’m not saying that Ina should just sit back and let girlfriend jerk her around with the schedule. Ina could demand what is just and fair, which to me would be not to allow the co to make the schedule, knowing the co has some type of issues. Why should Ina let the co try to control her (Ina’s) life? It’s not that kind of party.

    I had mentioned before to Ina that she will have to take some type of measures to let girlfriend know she can’t keep trying to jerk her around as she does. The only way to get it through the think skull of the woman is through the husband. Gail, suggested some measures to Ina, as well. Ina is going to have to figure out what works for her. Ina could act or not act, either way is okay.

  • anabellah

    April 22, 2015

    @Gail,

    About Edith’s situation, I’m going to speak on what you’ve said. You stated Edith’s husband and his other were married in each others eyes, and it should be enough. I agree with you. Here is why:

    Over the 14 years, if Edith felt so strongly that her husband’s other marriage was not valid, she did not take any action about it while the husband was living. She accepted it. She did not feel strongly enough about it that she divorced him, as she felt defiled by him (This is when the women use their Ace card and say they stayed because of the kids – an easy excuse). Even if she questioned his and her marriage, she left the matter alone for 14 years.

    Now, that he is no longer living and there is a large sum of monies that should be divvied up between her, her children and his other wife’s children, she finds the need to question her husband’s other marriage. It seems to really boil down to money, and a way to punish the other woman and her children for her own hurt and pain she experienced over the years.

    The very sad part about it is that the other wife’s name and reputation has been ruined based on Edith’s speculations. Edith apparently couldn’t leave it alone.

    The husband is no longer here to protect and to help his other former wife. Edith and her helper Imam went to the Egyptian authorities whether to find out the validity of the other’s marriage Regardless, the woman now cannot go home to her family and friends in Egypt because Edith has slandered her and destroyed her reputation. Egypt may be one of those backward countries that stone women on allegation of adultery with no proof. It’s appears the woman is now stuck here, where ever here is for her and Edith, and must fend for herself. I pray the woman turns her attention completely to Allah for His help and guidance.

    For some people, it’s all about the “Benjamin” Money Pile the DOUGH ray ME

  • anabellah

    April 22, 2015

    Dear Gail,

    I’m eager to hear how you like the property when you return from seeing it today. I’d be sold just on the fact that it’s across the street from a huge lake. I love the water. I’m not a swimmer, nonetheless, I love being near it, on a ship in it, on a boat in it, just being on top of it or near it, but not swimming in it. I absolutely love the ocean, even just watching it. It could have something to do with my birth sign being “Cancer”. I’m all into water.

    You always have such good ideas about what property to buy and what to do to improve it. You’ve got vision, woman. Alhumdulliah. I doubt you’d have any problem selling it for a good profit once you’ve fixed it up. You apparently know a lot about trailers, which is key. Some people get involved in investment projects they know nothing about. It’s best to invest in something one is familiar with.

    Let’s see how it goes. It sounds promising. The way your brain works there are probably quite a few projects, to say the least, awaiting you, if it pleases Allah.

  • ummof4

    April 22, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Rahma, there is no one way to get through the first night of your husband being married to another wife, but here are a few thoughts and suggestions.

    First, each wife has to think of our husband as belonging to Allah and not to her. That means that he does not need our permission to marry another woman.

    Second, a man can love more than one woman at a time. As hard as this may be for many women to believe, it is true. Men can turn their emotions on and off and switch up from person to person in a way that most women cannot, and we just don’t understand how the men can do it, because most of us cannot.

    Third, talk to your husband and be sure that he understands your feeling insecure and jealous of his new marriage. Then let him know what will make you feel better. It may be kind words, it may be gifts that he can afford, it may be some alone time with just the two of you (no children), it may be special emails or texts.

    Then their wedding day arrives. It helped me to make sure that I had a full day of activities planned for me and the children. That way when the night came, I was too exhausted to do anything but go to sleep. If you don’t have children, plan a special day for yourself and some friends and make sure you are exhausted and can do nothing but sleep when the night comes.

    If you think of them having sex, change your thoughts to the best sex you and your husband have ever had and replay that scene (or scenes) over and over again in your head. Then imagine that they could not possibly be doing anything more fantastic than what the two of you have already done and plan to do again in the future, In shaa’Allah.

    Once when my husband married a second wife, I was out of the house with the children keeping busy. When I returned home there was a note written in soap on our bedroom mirror which said, “I STILL LOVE YOU!” I guess he stopped by our house before he and his new wife went wherever they were going after their marriage. That note stayed on the mirror for several weeks even though he came back home after 3 days. Your husband could arrange to have flowers or fruit delivered to you.

    It is important for you to communicate your feelings to your husband in a calm manner to let him know that you need to know that he still loves you even though he is marrying another wife.

    Hope this has been of some help for you and your husband.

    May Allah grant us all the best in this life and the best in the next life, which is the Jannah.

  • gail

    April 22, 2015

    Edith,
    I think u r just going way to deep into your cowife and hubby being married.Obviously there were married in their eyes and that should be enough for u.For goodness sakes they have children together.
    U should never feel soiled as u have done nothing wrong.

  • gail

    April 22, 2015

    Ina,
    U still having trouble with that crazy cowife of yours?I read your post and I am going to tell u straight woman u better not take any crap from her.Don’t let her jerk your chain like that.Also u tell hubby to fix it and there is not debating on this topic just plain fix it.If he starts whining around then pack his bags and tell him to just go stay with her and he is not to come back until he makes it right and furthermore if he wants to play hardball and actually go stay with the little witch u tell him straight any days he stays with until he decides to fix this mess he will have to make up to u.There are no free days available.There is nothing wrong with stating your intentions and not letting people walk all over u.Also this is other idea.If u want to teach the little witch a lesson tell her u will alternate making the schedule.One moth she does it and next u do it and anytime she tries to stick your @$$ u stick her twice as hard to teach the little heffer a lesson.lol When and if she dares says anything then u tell her knock the crap off straight because 2 can play at her stupid game.lol

  • Laila

    April 22, 2015

    Dear Ana. I do agree when one wife sort of helps with the schedule, it does create disruptions for another. I think it is the husband’s duty to clear that one out. Mine was so chaotic, and just crazy initially. The stunts of two days here and then at her place. I’m so glad we have our very own schedule and personally there are some weekends when he is with me he works on Saturdays till lunch hour. Sometimes during her days he is free or vice versa. So I do not get petty. I just do not for the life of me have the time to recalculate right to the last hour on how much time EXACTLY he spends at hers or our home. I just feel it is absurd. I find that a bit on the excessive side. We don’t call him at home at night. Unless it is an emergency but we call him at work during the day which I think is okay. He usually calls me when he is heading home to her. Just to catch up and chat. But even then our chat lasts about ten minutes. So, seriously Ana. Can we as wives really take our share right down to the exact number of hours and minutes? That blows my mind.

  • gail

    April 22, 2015

    Ana,
    I thought I would let u know we found another property for sale.It is a double wide trailer sitting on a small piece of property across the road from a huge lake in our area.We r going to go see it tomorrow.It needs alot of work but I seen the outside of it today and I am hopeful that we will get it.I believe I can remodel it and resell it for right around 100,000 owner financed.Lets see my luck lol

  • Rahma

    April 21, 2015

    Assalaam alaykum all,
    I really need advise on how to survive hubbies wedding night pls
    I just dont know how to handle it

  • anabellah

    April 21, 2015

    My identity was revealed in cyberspace and I don’t discuss my life openly as I did before. You’re correct; my husband and I are still married, 13 years in May, Memorial Day weekend.

  • anabellah

    April 21, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    Your friend needs to ask herself whether Allah is testing her or punishing her. Allah says He tests the Believers. Is she one? Allah in the Quran tells us what a believer is. Maybe she need to spend time with her face in the Quran instead of chasing down men and looking for love.

  • Ariannah

    April 21, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ina,
    I would give your husband the schedule and tell him it’s not fair and equal and tell him to check the schedule each month to make sure it’s equal and fair from now on, before he gives it to you. I would make sure you get your 17 days straight with him as she is. That’s only fair. I don’t understand why he has to talk to her for extra hours every day and not you. Is he more attracted to her or what? I agree with no calls during certain times when he is with each of you, except extreme emergencies. Is your husband knowledgeable about email and Internet?

    Anabellah, I was just wondering…are you still in a polygamous marriage? I know you are still married.

  • Laila

    April 21, 2015

    Ummof4. I always tell my friend that she has two daughters in which she needs to set an example with. Ive told her many times that she is never lonely as Allah s.w.t. has blessed her with daughters. She does not see it that way. In fact she believes that people who have wronged her, especially men, will have the karma to pay because she is a single mother trying to make ends meet. I do have days where I am just simply perplexed. Hubbs has told me many times that she is just bad news but I feel she is good hearted woman who always somehow gets suckered into many things.

  • Laila

    April 21, 2015

    Dear Ummof4. My friend is a Muslim lady and has two growing daughters. She always wants to date married men eventhough at times these men are actually just fooling around. She invests her time, focus and just life on these men. She been married and divorced 4 times. The recent guy just dumped her like a hot brick after 5 months of so called dating. She always cries and tells me that Allah s.w.t. is always testing her. I agree. We are all tested every other day. But at times, I feel she herself chooses the wrong type of guys. She always goes for men who are well financially. So this time round I really felt so bad that I ask hubbs about her. He told me, NO. He is not interested. He feels bad but says tha is not his problem. She asks for advice but never really listens. Always saying Allah s.w.t. is testing her. Hubbs joked the other day and said, yes, Allah s.w.t is judging us but she needs to also rethink on her actons and behaviour. Always lounging around with married men. He actually asked me why wasn’t she interested in single guys?

  • anabellah

    April 21, 2015

    @Ummof4,

    I was going to ask Ina the same thing you asked. Why is she letting the co prepare the schedule? To keep it neutral, their husband should prepare the schedule. Even if he needs help preparing it, he should sit down with a neutral person (not Ina or the co) who would be just and fair and put a schedule together.

    I think as long as Ina, the co and their husband try to accommodate one another and what is happening in each of their lives (work schedule, school, vacations, this, that and the other), there will be chaos. There is always going to be conflict. I think When the schedule becomes a major issue for the wives, it’s best to go with a rigid schedule, and not deviate from it, unless one of the co’s want to acquiesce to the others wants as a good deed or to make things easier.

    I just can’t see the husband allowing one wife to make the schedule for him an the other wife. It wouldn’t work for me. I’d be like Hell No

  • anabellah

    April 21, 2015

    @ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam :-)

    You made an EXCELLENT point to Edith. Wow, you said the woman may not have known who the witnesses were. Do you know that if someone were to ask me who my witnesses were at my wedding/Nikah, I wouldn’t be able to tell anyone? I wouldn’t be able to tell anyone who they were because I don’t know who they were.

    My hubz and I went to the Masjid on a Friday (13 years ago this May) at Maghrib time and the Imam performed the Nikah in the presence of a bunch of Arab speaking Muslim brothers and I guess their kids. At the end of the ceremony a little girl came up to me at the instruction of the Imam and said something in Arabic to me. I don’t know what she said. The entire ceremony was done in Arabic and I repeated what was said. I probably sounded like an idiot because I had no idea what I was saying or how to say it. There were many other people outside the door entering for salat. The next evening, my hubz and I had the traditional American formal wedding reception and celebration at a banquet hall. I wore a traditional American white wedding dress. We had a sit down dinner, DJ, MC, cake etc, and a two week honeymoon followed.

    I said all of the above to say, if someone asked me who witnessed the nikah, I don’t know who did. I have no clue. I know who the Imam was because I have a copy of the newspaper clipping. The Imam’s name and the masjid where the nikah was held was mentioned in the newspapers. We placed the notice of our wedding in both the local newspaper and the larger newspaper for state in the region we lived, so it was widely published and broadcast.

    Furthermore, from what I understand, some Muslims don’t have a written contract for their marriage and it’s not unusual. With it all said, maybe the woman in Edith’s situation, didn’t know the who the witnesses were and she didn’t have the nikah documented. Maybe she felt she needed to name witnesses and lied oppose to saying she didn’t know who they were, as she felt foolish not knowing. Who knows. Was it right to lie. She erred. May Allah forgive her. We all err.

  • anabellah

    April 21, 2015

    @Javeria, Wa Alaikum As Salaam :-)

    I’ve always only simply relied on the Holy Quran, Yusuf Ali’s translation since I’ve been Muslim. I have other translations. They virtually says the same exact thing other than a different word may be used that has the same meaning, and doesn’t change the translation at all.

    The only problem I’ve ever encountered with the Quran was when I was in Saudi Arabia. The Arabs handed out numerous books and booklets, including a Quran to every Hajji leaving Hajj. I rid myself of all of it, including the Quran, immediately, when I got home. The “Holy Quran” they gave me was like none other and the material seem to be that to indoctrinate one to their principles. I knew immediately something was wrong with what THEY CALLED the Holy Quran. If I remember correctly, it had all types of interpretations throughout it. I wasn’t messing around with any of it. I discarded it all.

    The way I see it is there are people who are MUSLIM of all different races, nationalities, ethnicity and colors on this planet that Allah created and made them of many languages (6,500 languages exists in the world today). Allah didn’t make everyone an Arab. Not only Arabs will be in Jannah/Paradise. When Allah says He made the Quran easy to understand and remember (for believers), and He protected it from corruption, I go with it, without question. It means I don’t need any other material to help me understand it, nor do I need a scholar, sheik, Imam or any one else, regardless of what they call themselves.

    I don’t mess around with footnotes that are in some Qurans, nor do I mess around with Hadiths because Allah says to accept all of His Prophets that He mentions in the Holy Quran. He speaks of all of them throughout the entire Quran. He says they are equal. One is no better than the other. He raised them all to Honor. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was the last of the Prophets that He sent and there will be no more. He revealed the Quran, which was the last book and it can’t be tampered with. The Quran is for all of mankind and for all times. I see it that some people want to make Islam about Arabs and discount everyone else, thus another reason for the Hadiths that exclude all of Allah’s other Prophets and man has put them together to suit their wants and desires.

    I read the Quran and Allah teaches me and I need nothing or no one else. I may have a situation in my life and I can pick up the Quran, read and it’s as though Allah speaks directly to me. He says contemplate His message, His signs (ayat). He says He teaches. I believe Him. I connect with people who has understanding of the Quran. There’s only one understanding that Allah gives the believers. It all has the same meaning to believers. They are all on the same page.

    It’s how I see it.

  • ummof4

    April 21, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ina, it’s fine to vent. Just stay strong and don’t let it get to you.

  • Ina

    April 21, 2015

    Waalaikumsalam Javeria,
    Sometimes I find it hard to believe this story of the boy myself. I wanted to wring hubby’s neck when he said the boy was just acting stupid when i asked him to explain why he got a friends request. I was careful not to imply that this new facebook profile was same person who’s been bugging me but simply that cowife is using his existence to make hubby jealous. Even this he cannot believe and said he saw the msgs the new boy sent cowife. He seems to think this means the boy must exist elsewhere cuz cowife got these msgs. Somehow he cant get that cowife could have sent msgs to herself…its not impossible. This is the point when i want to shake some sense into him. Argh!!!

  • ummof4

    April 21, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Edith, thank you for the update. I agree that accusing a woman or man of adultery is a big deal not to be taken lightly. I can understand if you do not want to help the woman, but Allah has told us to be kind to the orphans. If you give the children any money it can weigh heavy on your scale with Allah, In shaa’Allah (if Allah wills). Don’t think of it as inheritance, think of it as taking care of two orphans that your husband used to take care of.

    Edith, as far as the woman stealing your happiness and your husband, she didn’t. Your husband was a willing participant if it was marriage or adultery. He took care of the woman for 14 years. He genuinely cared about her as he genuinely cared about you. No one can take your happiness or joy. We each own our happiness. We can choose not to be happy, but that is a personal choice, not something that any other human being has control over. I urge you not to be bitter, as it takes up so much energy that could be used in a positive way. Do not think badly of your husband; maybe the proof of nikah was lost, ,maybe the woman forgot who the witnesses were.

    Ina, Alhamdulillah (all praises due to Allah) that you are demanding equal time from your husband. One question, you mentioned several times that the other wife sent you a schedule. Why is she in charge of sending you a schedule? Keep up the good work and keep you marriage strong. Be patient, Allah is with the patient. AND STOP READING ANYTHING THAT IS SENT BY THAT BOY! YOU CONTINUE TO TORTURE YOURSELF! IGNORE HER FOOLISHNESS AND DON’T EVEN MENTION IT TO YOUR HUSBAND!

    CoCo, thanks for thinking of me. Has anything changed with your marriage plans or are they still in the works?

    Laila, I have always believed that women or men who always seem to attract and have relationships with “scum” need to take a long, hard look at themselves to figure out why it keeps happening. The “scum” cannot be blamed for everything. Often we have to change our lives to allow them to improve. However, Allah is in total control of everything. You don’t need any more drama in your life. Be a friend and try to help her sort out her life and change herself for the better so she stops attracting and entering relationships with “scum”. As someone else asked, is your friend Muslim and is she marrying multiple times or having other relationships with men?

    Everybody have a wonderful night or day wherever you are on this planet we call earth. Take care of yourselves, your families, and encourage each other to serve Allah as He has ordered us to serve Him.

  • Ina

    April 21, 2015

    Sorry ladies for ranting on. Its venting time….
    During one of their phone conversation, she asked hubby if he was meeting his friend the next day and hubby told he no because we are taking kids to a theme park. She got upset, said he should not have told her what we do. Then she accused hubby of being unfair because he doesnt tell me about what they do on their days. I got to point out that i only get to talk to hubby for 15mins a day, sometimes not at all. I dont ask him about his day and he doesnt go out with of his way to tell me. She asked him a question about his day and he answered without thinking.

    About 30mins after their argument, she sends me an email telling me about what they have doing over the past few weeks. I just laughed when i got the email. So petty and childish.

  • Ina

    April 21, 2015

    Waalaikumsalam Rabiabint,
    When it comes to the schedule, I don’t think I am too quick to blame co-wife. Hubby only wants the days to be fair and is not too bothered about the details but co-wife will argue over the pattern of week days and weekends, if he has to work weekends with her, if he doesnt work on my weekends, etc. One recent example is when she sent me the schedule for May. I pointed out to hubby that he would have to leave at 8am on a Sunday for a work matter but it should not be an issue since he will need to leave me at 7am at the end of month for work too. But i told him he should point this out to cowife too. He did and i get a new schedule the next day.

    Another example, he left me at 10am on Monday instead of the usual 12noon. Reason for this is because she has a meeting at 10am on the day that he has to leave her so the time was adjusted to maximise her time with hubby. She cant leave him alone for 2hrs on her day…he might sneak off early (this is what she will think).

    Maybe you are not aware of my story with my co-wife but she is someone who performs cybersex with my husband and slept together on the same bed before they got married and she doesnt not think she has done anything wrong (she has said this to me on email). Of course hubby was to blame too but the difference is he has apologised and told me he has repented for his sins.

  • javeria

    April 21, 2015

    Asalaams everyone:)

    @ coco
    I hate confrontations too.Im terrible at them lol but alhamdulillah it went okay n theres peace at the moment!

    @ laila i read something along the lines of not truly knowing someone until you live with them,travel with them or have business dealings with them.cant remember for the life of me who the quote was from…but anyway it rings with truth…If she doesnt want to come its her loss I think, its an amazing journey for the sake of Allah and didnt the prophet say to the sahaabiyaat a woman’s jihad is hajj and umrah? It wpuld be good for the sake of bonding etc but if she isnt keen, then so be it.you can go reap the benefits without her InshaAllah.I know if my husband said lets go,I wudn care who with id be first in line lol. Anyway InshaAllah all goes well with the prep and your trip becomes a lovely reality :)

    @rabiabint its really good that you are taking the time to increase your knowledge of the deen. May Allah make it easy for you and open your heart and mind to absorb all this knowledge! I admire your patience and perspective in your situation. I love how u turn the hassles into motivation to make your own life better!

    @ ana
    I agree its important to read the quran in a language u understand, because reading it just in Arabic is kind of pointless if u dont know what u r reading.n those that memorise the quran without understanding what theyre memorising end up just parroting and the knowledge becomes redundant.y learn something u cant practice on?yeah its beautiful to hear in Arabic but its beauty is multiplied tenfold if u no whats happening.when you hear the makkah taraweeh and the emotions from the reciters,because they understand what they are reading and they feel that hope n that fear n that love for their creator through His holy book…amazing. I do have a question though, if u dont believe tafsir is valid, how do you rely on an English translation?from what I know of the Arabic language, its not always a straightforward translation, so to some extent it comes to the translators own opinion on what a specific word means etc…i know of an American brother who initially also only read in English and used very little tafsir to help him but then decided to go and learn Arabic simply because he wanted to cut out anybody but Allah cos he felt that for somebody to translate was never purely based on fact because at some point you have to make a judgement on a meaning based on where it is in a sentence or whatever it is. So since you seem to have a similar opinion regarding man made works,I was just wondering if you had a view on that? I myself do use the hadith volumes,tafsir, etc when I feel I can validate the source, for me it helps me to remember something if I can grasp all reasoning and the bigger picture behind it,and im attempting now to learn Arabic( its no cup of tea lol!) so i can better understand what im reading InshaAllah.Just curious as to your opinion

    @ ina

    Just gotta say, this whole boy story of yours is crazy!what grown woman has time for such games.its so exhausting to be thinking up how to bug someones life, when u could b using that time so much more productively. I feel for you, id be tempted to wring ‘the boy’s’ neck lol!

  • Rabiabint

    April 21, 2015

    AS
    @ INA

    Let it GO… its not HER it is HIM. I have read some of the post here and most of the women here is QUICK to blame the co wife and not the Husband…. Allah didn’t say in Quran- and Co wives have control of the marriage…He didn’t say What she says goes… He specifically addressed the men-to treat them equally. Time and money…. It is your husband DUTY… and complain to him, her the families won’t change anything…. HE has to make the change…Maybe complaining to him will do more harm than good… If your husband come to visit you and all you do is complain about the time.. Maybe he doesn’t want to hear it and would rather spend 7 days with the other wife because she’s not complaining…

    leave it in the hands of ALLAH… I know that seem harder to do than to say…but Allah see it… and your husband will have to answer for his actions on the day of judgment.. this world is a temporary.

    I am going through the same thing…. somewhat… and before I would be all hot and bothered but than I was like UMMMMMMMM YOU’RE JUST a MAN… YOU know what cha supposed to do… if you do it good… if you don’t- Allah will deal with you… in this life and in the next… so I’m not stressing over it anymore…

    Get upset over other matters… such as making your salah, sunnah pray, watr, nafl salah… struggle in memorizing the Quran… Let your husband see that NO I don’t need you… I have Allah… But I want you in my world.. you don’t make up my world.. and my world doesn’t revolve around you nor her…

    I’m just keeping it real… Have at ambition towards Allah and not his simple minded creation called MAN.

    I don’t mean to be blunt… and sorry if I come off as being rude… But all seem redundant… Worst is to get the family involved.. Because than you will look like the needy, whiny, low self-esteem, man-worshipping wife. While she will look like an angel…

    Gurl….focus on the hereafter and not the present… Allah is more powerful and stronger than your husband.

    Real quick so my hsubad informed me that he may not be able to spend as much time… and Yes I was so upset… I was like are you freaking kidding me… and than I paused… and thought… OMG Rabz you’re going backwards.. lets look at things more clear… you don’t get upset when ya make fajr late…it doesn’t bother you that you are limited in Quran… and you haven’t mastered all 5 pillars… So what get upset over this…

    I wrote my husband on my feelings and thoughts… and let it go.. I don’t call him… He calls me.. he will talk, talk talk and talk.

    And right now ladies… Him and his other wife is hitting hard times… and while I’m living comfortable- caring for my father, driving around, finding new spot in my neighborhood and spending time with my muslims friends…

    When he complain about life over there… All I say is “You wanted that life.. so don’t complain… what ever is holding you in that realm… you wanted it.. so don’t cry to me about Her, the project of a home you moved into… or anything… I’m GOOD… 3 brd home, new car, father’s health is improving, I am trying to get closer to Allah (SWT)… Life over here.. is peachy… Sorry to here your struggles..” Gray clouds aren’t welcomed here..

    Now he changed his tune about cutting the visit short…ROFL…. I’m like typical man…. don’t complain and they come running towards ya… complain and they run away…

  • Laila

    April 21, 2015

    Dear Ina, I totally understand when you say you hope that your marriage is stress and drama free. I endured drama for years. Therefore now that it is all quiet and nice, I am actually far more happier, energetic and really in some ways content. I am in short, looking forward to a good life and I am constantly planning stuff. Drama in many ways just zaps the life and energy out of you. Sometimes you do not even realize it till one day when you look hard at yourself in the mirror and you ask, “where did I ever go?”. I had literally lost myself and become just a total mess. You know, to some extent I do believe that when we are riddled with drama our earning capacity to some extent also dwindles. Because our minds are so taken up with our issues and we are constantly searching for a solution. I hope your hubbs listens to your needs. It makes a whole lot of difference. I pray over time, you never loose hope and that your patience makes you a wise woman. I am so confident that over time he will realize just what a gem you are for tolerating so much, with kids in tow. It is not easy when kids are involved because kids do need a fatherly figure around. I understand. Sometimes, we as wives also want a bit of TLC. I pray all goes well with you. On my part, pimples are just popping out and I am getting sick of my face!

  • Ina

    April 21, 2015

    Ana,
    It was my intent to stay on in the marriage as long as hubby wants to do the same. Like you said, it would be stupid to give up a man who loves me so someone like her can have him all to herself. A few months ago I was feeling down and wondered if it was worth staying in a marriage with so much drama happening all the time. Its hard to stay positive all the time when you get crap thrown at you constantly.

    Laila, I have been told that the PRINCESS won’t be able to cope without hubby for more than 2 weeks hence why she decided that I should only get 10 consecutive days. I don’t know if she has discussed the schedule with hubby before sending it to me.

    I told hubby I am not willing to compromise on the unequal vacay time. What can I do if hubby refuses to listen to reason? I will complain to all his family and her family if necessary. I hope it won’t come to that but I will not accept it quietly.

  • Laila

    April 21, 2015

    Dear Ana. No worries

  • anabellah

    April 20, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I’m sorry! I missed approving your last comment, as I was approving them from my phone. It was an oversight. I’m glad you kept a copy and re-posted it. Smart woman you are!!! I deleted the duplicate.

  • Laila

    April 20, 2015

    Dear Ina. It amazes me to what extent some wives will do just to create “DRAMA”. I bet she must be watching so many silly dramas and these ideas are getting to her head. The fact that she can take 17 days and leave you with 10 is amazing. I will never take such nonsense and I will certainly shove this to my hubbs. I will actually ask why the special treatment and why does the Queen here need extra days? Sometimes women do these stunts just to piss others off and to snow that she has more leverage. But, in short. I will never accept such an arrangement and knowing me, I will curtly say, please refer to our husband for a further feedback, thank you so much for your cooperation!

    *You give them an inch, and they want a yard.

  • Laila

    April 20, 2015

    Dear Edith. I’ve been reading your story and it is so sad and damning that your late husband did not even get a simple nikah carried out. At the same time, I feel bad for you co because he is now gone and she is left in a lurch. She cannot travel back to Egypt and she also has nothing where she is. I know you are feeling so betrayed. But do find it in your heart to forgive, forget and move on. I am surprised as to why she never did ask for a nikah done. That is the very basic, legal or not. The fact that you had or have a nikah proves in Allah s.w.t. eyes that you are husband and wife. I don’t know but it is so weird to me.

  • anabellah

    April 20, 2015

    @Ina,

    I’m telling you; I’m not surprised he won’t believe you when you tell him that she’s playing games with him and you. Men are weird like that. I don’t understand it, but it’s what they do. They fall for the okie doke. Don’t worry though; you already know Allah sees and knows all things.

    All the mischievous, devious, evil that she does will turn back on her. It’s just a matter of time. We all reap what we sow. She is one very unhappy person who is trying her best to keep you upset, and is probably hoping that you will get so fed up and tired that you will leave your husband.

    If I were you, I would make my intent to keep my husband till he or I died. I, in no way would walk away from my marriage, and hand my husband over to another woman. How stupid would I be to be without my good husband while another has him. If anyone is going to walk, it would be the other or she would just have to get used to the set up. It’s my two cents. Don’t fall for her snares.

  • anabellah

    April 20, 2015

    @Ina,

    That sucks, (excuse my French). She’s just trying to rattle your cage, and get you upset while he’s not with you. Even if he were with you, I’m sure it would upset you. It would drive me batty. I’d wig out on him. It’s unacceptable that she gets more time than you just “because” she will be in Malaysia or where ever unless you agree to it. If she gets seventeen days, you get seventeen days. Don’t let him jerk you around with it. At this point, he needs to know you’re not playing. If you let her get away with this, there is more to come just like it or worse. You’ve got to put your foot down. How? I don’t rightly know.

  • Ina

    April 20, 2015

    Another thing, the “boy” created a new facebook profile with the same name and liked her pictures of her and hubby together. A few days later, hubby gets a friends request from this boy’s new facebook profile. Here is what I think happened. She got angry when hubby would not take her call when we were at the park with our children. She created this new facebook profile to make hubby jealous, to get hubby to be more attentive to her needs. When hubby did not notice these likes from the boy, a friends request was sent to get his attention. Hubby of course did not believe my theory. When I asked why would this boy send him a friends request, he simply replied the boy was stupid. When I asked how the boy got my parents phone number he said the boy was clever.

  • Ina

    April 20, 2015

    I finally get the schedule for the next few months. Remember when I said that she wants 2 weeks for their holiday to Malaysia and I told hubby I would like the same amount of time too. So the schedule she sends me is 17 consecutive days for her and 10 days for me. I don’t know if she is just doing it to upset me. I am trying very hard not to let it get to me. I can’t take to hubby because he is with her and it’s late at night.

  • Ina

    April 20, 2015

    @ Laila,

    I can just imagine your co-wife exploding with rage if your husband took your best friend as a 3rd wife.

  • Ina

    April 20, 2015

    Edith,
    I find it hard to believe that they chose to not get married when the polygamy is legal in Egypt and then led life as a married couple for the last 14 years. It doesn’t make any sense…

    Ana is right, whatever is the truth, the children are not responsible for the sins of the parents. Maybe this is her punishment for being unkind to you and your daughters all these years.

    I don’t think it’s states explicitly in the Quran that illegimate children cannot/should not inherit from their father. I think there are different rulings from the scholars. As your wise uncle said, do whatever gives you a clear conscience and ask Allah for forgiveness if you have done wrong.

  • anabellah

    April 20, 2015

    @Edith, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I really feel for you. I truly believe, based on you being here and letting us know what has transpired that you want to do the right thing. I feel it in my heart. Try not to worry so much. Just for the protection of your own soul, let the matter go. Don’t tell anyone else that she was not married to your husband. Only Allah and she knows whether she was or wasn’t. It doesn’t matter any longer.

    You don’t know whether Allah has decreed for you to have another husband or not. I certainly understand you not wanting one right about now. I doubt I’d want another one either after being what you’ve been through. I say to myself, I don’t want another, if my husband were to pass away or he and I divorce. So, I get it. I definitely get it.

    Ask Allah to forgive you, if you’ve done anything wrong. Allah is an Oft-forgiving, Merciful God. Edith, everything is going to be okay. {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    April 20, 2015

    All children are born Muslim. Besides, those children had a Muslim mother and a Muslim father whether the mother and the father were Married or not. Even if the parents were not married, the children are not accountable for the parents sins.

  • Edith

    April 20, 2015

    I do feel bad for the children, but does not sura 68 tell us that the base-born are not equal with people of married parents? Maybe I misunderstand.

  • anabellah

    April 20, 2015

    @Edith,

    She didn’t accuse anyone of any wrong doing. She simply said certain people were witnesses. The people said they weren’t. So, now it’s a matter of who is lying. Does it matter at this point? To make things right, Insha Allah, you should do what the Imam said and take back what you gave her since she can’t prove to you the validity of her marriage.

    Those children, however, are not BASTARDS. If anything those Muslim children are orphans. It a horrible, awful thing you utter. I don’t care what some Shariah law says. It’s not what Allah says.

  • Edith

    April 20, 2015

    Thank you for explaining Ana.

    It is not possible to prove a negative. I could not prove, nor could anybody else, that Santa Claus does not exist. It is however possible to prove positives. She claimed different dates and places for nikah. All were proven lies by the authorities. She claimed several persons had been witnesses. All testified they had not been witnesses. They have filed formal complaints against her for false testifying. When affronted with signed testimonies from people who swore they had not been witnesses, she refused to take back her lies. This is what can be proven.

    Now, Allah swt will judge her. But when you say “give the boys THEIR inheritence” – they have none. According to shariah, bastards don’t inherit. And the imam says the court found they do not inherit. I will however not demand back what I already gave.

    I now have great fears about Jannah. I know we should all be grateful if we are blessed to be accepted in Jannah. But I don’t wish to be married again to my husband. I feel so betrayed and soiled by him. But I don’t want to marry again I think. The thought of starting a new marriage is not a good one.

  • anabellah

    April 20, 2015

    @Edith,

    Your husband is dead and gone now. It’s over for him. Neither you nor she will have him again in this life. She and you need to just move on with your lives apart from each other. You already said she will get nothing else from you. If you feel you need to take whatever it was back from her that you gave her, then do whatever Allah allows you to do. To slander her as an adulterer is wrong.

  • anabellah

    April 20, 2015

    @Edith,

    I was never one to say a person should just sit idle, do absolutely nothing, but blame everything on Allah. Allah tells us what to do; when to take action; when not to act; and how to act. Whatever happens, Allah ultimately decreed it. No one knows in advance what Allah decreed. There is still accountability.

    In answer to your question, if somebody broke into my house and stole my precious things, would I say the person did not steal from me because the person had no power. My answer is: I would need PROOF, first of all, that the person did it before I accused him. If I were to prove WITHOUT A DOUBT that the person stole my precious belongings,the person would be accountable for it. You have no proof the woman was or was not married to your husband. She said she was, so you need to prove she wasn’t, if it means that much to you.

    When Allah says there is no power and there is no might except in Him, it means He does EVERYTHING. He causes and makes things happen. No one else does. Whatever happened it happened because Allah ordained it to. Allah still holds people accountable. Why? Only He could tell you. He, however, doesn’t have answer to anyone.

    The Imam and whomever have to prove that woman was lying. She doesn’t have to say she’s lying when she clearly says she wasn’t lying. You want her to lie on herself? Even if she had lied about their marriage, it is between her and Allah. She only has to repent to Allah. Allah is the only ONE who could accept her repentance, whose forgiveness it matters, and can have mercy on her.

    The only thing you were responsible for is giving those boys their inheritance. Whether she and your husband were married or not takes nothing from those boys. You didn’t have to give her what your husband was expected to leave her upon his death. Some of us here only suggested that you do something good instead of tossing her out in the street, and not give her anytime to grieve and make other arrangements. Now, you all have slandered the woman, alleged she is an adulterer and you and no one else has any proof of it.

    Some things we need to just leave alone and let Allah deal with it. Put the best construction on it in your mind.

  • Edith

    April 20, 2015

    Ana

    The imam said he had held several interviews with her and she had altered her story from every time. And she had first said a date and when the authorities came back with facts that their nikah could not have been held where and when she said, she altered again and again. And they had sat with her and asked her for information and she had said “this and that perosn know we were married” and when these persons were asked they knew no such thing. So she lied over and over and the imam said the council at the masjid had found many many lies in what she said, and they had asked her to retract these lies and she would not. So the imam said to me she would not repent. And the people she had said could testify for her were very angry that she had lied about them and they had complained. And the authorities in Egypt had checked all her different stories, and all were lies.

    If somebody broke into your house Ana, and stole your most precious things. Would you say – no they did not steal from me for they have no power only Allah swt has power?

  • anabellah

    April 20, 2015

    @Edith,

    I’m baffled. Was she suppose to offer herself up for stoning, as indication that she repented for something you all accused her of with no proof?

  • anabellah

    April 20, 2015

    @Edith, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I need to mention another thing. Besides you and others claiming the woman wasn’t married to your husband, which you have no proof that she wasn’t. You have no proof that she was. Only Allah and the woman knows the truth of the matter – you said the Egyptian authorities now know the woman had committed zina (adultery), and not repented. How in the world do you or anyone else other than she knows whether she repented or not??? Repentance is between the person and Allah. She did not, nor does she have to repent in front of anyone or to anyone, but Allah. So, it’s a false accusation that was made.

    About her stealing years of marriage and your happiness from you, how did she do it when she has no power? Only Allah has power? Allah tells us that we can’t bring any good or harm to ourselves unless He decrees it. Your life could not have been any other way. People need to determine whether they believe what Allah says or believe what they want to believe.

  • anabellah

    April 20, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    You said your good friend got dumped again. She’s a single mom looking for love. She ends up with scums, and you asked your husband to marry her. Is she Muslim? Was she ever married? Were the “scums” her boyfriends or husbands.

    I’d suggest when and if the time comes again for you to suggest your husband marry someone, you make sure it’s someone who is Muslim who wants to serve and worship Allah, not just someone looking for love. Furthermore, he is not just your husband, your co is married to him, as well. Don’t you want to run it past her and get input from her about something that would seriously impact her life? A person who knows me approached my husband about marrying a person she knew. I thought the person had a lot of audacity to not consider the effect it would have on the exiting wife, me. It’s not just the husband who one must consider when trying to hook up (for marriage) a husband who is already married.

    There is already so much chaos between you and your co. Do you really want to introduce a new element into the mix just because the woman is heartbroken and looking for love?

  • anabellah

    April 20, 2015

    @rabiabint, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It certainly is so incredibly exciting to read the Quran and learn so much about people, life, ourselves and the world. I tell you, although I’ve been reading the Quran for almost 30 years now, every time I read it, it seems as though it’s the first time. I’ll read something and I’m like, wow, I don’t remember ever reading that before. When I first became Muslim, I read the footnotes. I don’t don’t read those anymore. I let Allah talk to me through Quran and teach me. Allah, in a number of different ayat in Quran, let us know that HE TEACHES.

    You caused me to smile when you mentioned all the handwriting you intend to do. I have several handwritten notebooks of ayat from the many years of reading and studying the Quran, so I relate to what you said. :-)

    We’ve had problems here on the blog from people coming here saying a person must learn Quran in Arabic. I nip it right in the bud. If people want to read the Quran and learn it in Arabic, good for them, but I won’t have them come here to this blog and discourage people from learning the Quran in ANY language the person knows. Someone who says a person must learn the Quran in Arabic, misleads people away from the path of Allah. Allah didn’t make everyone an Arab. He says in Quran that He made us all various colors and languages. Some people can’t learn their own language, let alone a foreign language.

    Once a Muslim brother-in-faith came to this blog, saying a Muslim has to sit with approx. five different types of people in order to learn the Quran. I’m being facetious, but I was wondering if he was on some type of narcotic. All the billion of Muslims in the world, have got to sit with five different scholars, sheiks or somebody or another to lean the Quran? Yah kiddin me? Well, Allah, in the Holy Quran, never said such thing. Allah, in a number of ayat in Quran says He has made the Quran (for Believers) easy to understand and remember.

    A person who said she was a teacher came here and said she had a student who learned the entire Quran in his language and she said to him that he had wasted his time because one is suppose to learn it in Arabic. I was furious. People could leave Islam that way. A person may say he knows he’s unable to learn Arabic and if any good only comes in reading the Quran in Arabic, why bother? – It’s a waste. It’s sad to know such a thing had happened at the hands of someone who called herself an educator. When I first became Muslim, people hit me with that learn Quran in Arabic stuff. I’m not an Arab and I have no intention of learning it to read the Quran in Arabic. I have no idea how to translate those symbols into the language I knows. I’d spend the rest of my short life trying to learn Arabic instead of learning the Quran.

    Upon becoming Muslim I learned Al Fatiha in Arabic and I learned four Surahs in Arabic to perform my salat (prayers in Arabic), which is universal. I don’t want anyone to get me wrong; if they want to learn and read Quran in Arabic, Alhumdulliah. I only ask people here not to discourage people from reading the Quran by telling them it MUST be done in Arabic. My thing is encourage people to read Quran in whatever language they know.

    There was a commentator who took Shahadah after being here on the blog. She and I spoke by phone. She said she was having a lot of trouble learning Al Fatiha in Arabic. I told her to learn it in English first and then, Insha Allah, she’ll be able to learn it in Arabic, but not to get discourage with it. Since then, however, the person left Islam.

  • Rabiabint

    April 20, 2015

    ASA LADIES!!!

    No update in my world…lol

    Ana- I started reading the Quran and I have notice that its not just a Book one collects and dust off for Ramadan…
    The ONE ONE Question I kept asking myself is How can someone claim to be muslim but only believe in part of it?

    I kid you not I was reading Surah Baqarah and That same question appeared in it… Gurl my hands started to shake reading the Tablet… I was like OMG.

    I don’t remember the ayat, sorry, I am trying to read through the Quran first and than memorize it.. in English…I am rubbing my hands together because I know that’s going to consist of some serious handwriting… LOL
    @ Edith I am glad that the truth was reveal..

    And I now now see why you don’t rely on hadtihs… I was watching a documentary and there’s so much debate on which is authentic… and knowing that the collections of Hadtihs came after some amount of years had made me iffy…. and that’s my next challenge cross referencing hadiths.

    I have my work cut out..

    but thank you for inspiring me to read the Quran… I told my father.. Islam is similar to a seed in the dirt.
    Being Muslim- seed has planted.. the sun and rain will help one flower grow
    But add some plant food and not only will the flower grow but Blossom long strong and blossom into this GORGEOUS Flower. The plant food for us Muslims is the QURAN… How Allah mentions believers- for the believers… and it is a guide for Muslims to become a believer (mumin). We can be muslim and never open the Quran… just keep to the 5 pillars… But to be amongst the BELIEVERS… The Companions the Mother of the believers the Prophets (SAW) there’s so much more…

    Laila- maybe you can bring her over for him to meet her but what if she’s not into the idea of becoming part of a poly-marriage?… May Allah reward you for inquiring… and than don’t saying anything to him and let your husband come “think” he came up with the idea… Its not about physical love… the Fact that you love for your sister what youi love for yourself… that is the path of a Mumin… and as a shaykh said (joking 0 A man is a fool if he doesn’t take an offer from his wife in marrying a sister.. LOL

    Its only a joke… Maybe your husband can be her Wali if he cannot or won’t marry her… that’s another alternative.

    Ishallah you get to go and make Ummrah.

  • anabellah

    April 20, 2015

    Edith, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I appreciate the update. It was considerate of you. I have no comment about the allegation that your husband and the woman who said she was his wife and bore him children committed zina (adultery). I go with:

    “Why did not the believers – men and women – when ye heard of the affair,- put the best construction on it in their own minds and say, “This (charge) is an obvious lie”?” Quran: Surah 24, ayah 12

    “Why did they not bring four witnesses to prove it? When they have not brought the witnesses, such men, in the sight of Allah, (stand forth) themselves as liars!” Quran: Surah 24, ayah 13

    “Were it not for the grace and mercy of Allah on you, in this world and the Hereafter, a grievous penalty would have seized you in that ye rushed glibly into this affair.” Quran: Surah 24, ayah 14

    “Behold, ye received it on your tongues, and said out of your mouths things of which ye had no knowledge; and ye thought it to be a light matter, while it was most serious in the sight of Allah.” Quran: Surah 24, ayah 15

    “And why did ye not, when ye heard it, say? – “It is not right of us to speak of this: Glory to Allah! this is a most serious slander!” Quran: Surah 24, ayah 16

    “Allah doth admonish you, that ye may never repeat such (conduct), if ye are (true) Believers.” Quran: Surah 24, ayah 16

    It’s enough for me… I’d advised anyone in a situation such as it to let it go and let Allah deal with it, for the protection of her own soul.

  • Edith

    April 20, 2015

    Salaam

    Just came back to tell you what happened with us, because it has all turned out a bit unexpected. The imam from our local masjid came here to tell us that the woman who has been living with my husband has not been able to come up with a marriage contract. The authorities in Egypt say that the contracts for that year have not been lost, there simply is no contract concerning my husband and this woman. She had also had problems with naming the exact date of nikah. How many women have problems not remembering their wedding day? And there are no witnesses. Her family in Egypt are distant relatives only and say they know nothing says the imam. So now, the local masjid has come to the conclusion they were not married and have been living in zina. So they are helping me now to make sacrifice for my husband. But the imam said I could demand back what they were given from the inheritence of my husband. I will not claim that, I will have nothing more to do with that woman. But she has more trouble because she had planned to go back to Egypt but since the authorities there now know that she has been committing zina without repenting she could face a hard sentence there. So she can never go back to Egypt. And here there is nothing for her and I will never give her anything more. The woman and my husband has stolen years of marriage and happiness on a lie, and forced me to accept zina by masking it as polygamy. But now she is reaping what she sowed. I recommend all women to make sure that their husbands’ other marriages are real, and not only make belief. I hope we will be forgiven for our sins.

  • anabellah

    April 20, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I TOTALLY understand your position and respect it. I think I just got lost for a moment, and had my head in the clouds. I kind of understand where Gail goes sometimes lol.

    Your friend, I don’t know what to say about her, as I don’t know her. I think your hubz is right. He doesn’t need your friend and her baggage right about now. Allah doesn’t give us a burden more than we can bear. We put the additional burden on ourselves. She needs to try to figure out why her life is as it is. It is very thoughtful of you to try to help her, but – no bearer of burdens can bear the burdens of another – the saying is from Quran.

  • Laila

    April 19, 2015

    Dear Ana. I do not think I myself can travel with her. It is not easy. All those things said and done. There were stuff she did that if I elaborate her you guys will be shocked. So, if he feels guilty, then I would willingly give it up for her. I am now looking into the visa application process. That will take some time. But yes. I cannot travel with her.

    Okay. Last night my good friend got dumped again…. hearing her cry just broke my heart. She’s a single mother really looking for love. Somehow, she ends up with scums. This was not the first time. So, last night I asked hubbs to consider her for marriage. He was so shocked out of his brains. Literally. He said no. I told him love can be attained after marriage as you get to know her etc. He said he would never betray my love. I believe we can all adjust financially if he marries her. Im fine with it. But he just kept saying that he would not have time for me and our baby making plans and later as a family. He thought I was testing him. I wasn’t. But really Ana. I feel so bad fro my friend. Here we are, having good men in our lives. Yet looking at her, she seems to always attract clowns. I really feel men are so lacking in character at times. So hubbs said no yet again.

  • anabellah

    April 19, 2015

    Dear Gail,

    I agree wholeheartedly with you that it would be a “wonderful Olive branch” and a memory that both Laila and her co could share. Those two going to Umrah together would bring a bond between them like none other. They wouldn’t realize it until they got there, and experienced it. Being in an environment that they aren’t familiar with and with people around them from all over the globe, speaking different languages would definitely bind Laila and her co. There is no doubt.

    I remember when “Nura” was here on the blog. She was from Qatar. Her husband and her co were Egyptian. It’s a long story because she Nura is now divorced, and living back here in the States, last I heard. However, Nura is American. She went alone to Hajj or Umrah with her husband. She spoke of the difficulties she encountered being alone with no females she knew.

    It wasn’t as difficult for me because I went with a group of about 30 or more Pakistanis. We had a few mandatory classes before went. We we warned not to annoy the Arabs to, as we could find ourselves in jail. It was a very elite professional tour group. We had the very best accommodations and everything was very well organized. I still see how gong with a female one is friendly with or at least familiar with helps make the journey easier.

    @Dear Laila,

    Insha Allah, you or your husband will be able to speak with the co about going; although, she seemed to not be interested. Believe me, if it wasn’t required, I couldn’t see myself going. It’s a huge undertaking, but one that a Muslim must do, if she or he has the where with all and the means. Anyone who travels for pleasure, definitely had the where with all and the means. I thank Allah that my hubz just came home one day and said we’re going. He didn’t give me an option. I knew it was obligatory on me to go, so I put up no objection. I just said, okay. You got it. He arranged and paid for it all and I went. I would fare much better going today than yesterday. I’ve matured. I’ve grown a lot since then. I was so spoiled back then, and had no idea what I was walking into. I was overwhelmed.

    Laila, maybe your husband could stress to your co how important it is that she fulfill her obligation while the opportunity is before her. Even if she doesn’t go, Laila, you may want to hook up with a Hajj tour group in your area and arrange to go as a group. I think it would be best for you, if you could.

    The tour group my hubz and I went with took care of getting our visa’s, advised us what vaccinations we needed, made sure we had Last Will & Testaments prepared, arrange for the hotels, all our meals, tours, and everything. They let us know what we were going to do and when. It was well orchestrated. They arranged the sites that we toured, such as where the battles were fought etc. It something you should look into, Insha Allah.

    You don’t need to pack much because all the clothes you should wear are there to buy. One guy who went with us, took barely nothing. He purchased his suitcase there and everything he needed. He had been there before, so he knew what he was doing. Most of the clothes I took were too heavy and not really as appropriate in terms of weight as the clothes they had there. I purchased a lot of clothes when I got there that I still to this very day wear for salat (prayer). One other American female who went with us (she was married to an India guy) showed up at the airport when we were about to leave for Hajj, hair not covered, wearing regular American clothes (jeans etc). They had to scramble around and get clothes and scarf for her before the plane left. It’s not easy when you just don’t know. I knew a bit more than she knew though LOL

  • Gail

    April 19, 2015

    Laila,
    I also like Ana’s Idea of asking your cowife to come along.I think it is a wonderful olive branch and a memory u can both share.She would be crazy not to accept.lol

  • anabellah

    April 19, 2015

    coco, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I watch “A Most Violent Year”. I liked it ALOT. For some reason the main character reminded me of the actor Armande Assante. I used to love, love, love him. I thought he was soooo handsome and suave. I think Jessica Chastin is an excellent actor. She was IT in the movie, “Zero Dark Thirty” She plays the part of a strong, domineering woman. She’s Awesome. I have to keep a lookout for, “The Age of Adelaide”. Thank you for giving me the heads up on it. :-)

  • coco

    April 19, 2015

    Assalamualeikum and a quick Hello to all!

    Ana
    There is soooo much more you know about the Holy Quran and deen mashAllah that I wouldn’t worry about never hearing of Yasmin Mogahed hehehe If you haven’t already do watch “A most violent year” Jessica Chastin way too good and check out the trailer of “The Age of Adelaide” that’s going to be one good watch for sure! Enjoy your Sunday! xo ☺️

    javeria
    It’s great to hear your chat went well with your co! I hate confrontations especially ones that turn sour so Alhumdulilah for this was a positive one! xo ☺️

    Laila
    I’m sooooo happy for you mashAllah that is the ultimate place that one can’t put into words. Once you stand in Mecca you will be so pleased to put Paris on hold inshAllah xo ☺️

    ummof4
    How are you sister? You never fail to give great reminders! JazahkAllah xo ☺️

    Mari2
    How are things on your end love? Thinking of you… xo ☺️

    Marie
    You really seem to be the type of person who would give a genuine shot at forming a bond for the sake of family but sometimes it’s better to maintain a distance depending on who you may be dealing with and anyways just because you aren’t BFF with your co doesn’t mean you both loathe each other xo ☺️

    Hope all the other sisters are well much love to all ❤️

  • anabellah

    April 19, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    It all sounds very good. I pray Allah rewards you for initiating it with your hubz and you put the pilgrimage before a pleasure trip. It’s huge that you and he have made your intent. I pray Allah swt makes it all easy for you. I’m so excited for you. The way to go!!!

  • Laila

    April 19, 2015

    Dear Ana, Ummof4 and Javeria. He is now interested to look into the visa aspect and he too wants to enquire how much it will cost for us both to go. So he has given his word that if his finances are secure, he will surely take me because he said that it is a holy place and going into the Kingdom of Allah s.w.t is something he will work hard for. So now I am just giving him some time too because he also has to apply for leave and see whether he can go etc. But yes, Umrah is on the cards. In regards to my co I do not think Ana she will tag along. I have in the past talked to her about this and she has told me that I can go with hubbs. She never even hinted that she would want to tag along. But right now, it is the visa, finance and application of leave. I am working towards it. Insyaallah.

  • javeria

    April 19, 2015

    Assalaamualaikum everyone :)

    @ laila,
    Wonderful news on your impending umrah.InshaAllah it all goes through and goes well. If your co has an issue,take her with lol.It might just be good for your relationship InshaAllah.

    @ marie and ana
    I agree on both.Headlines are a twist to play on peoples emotions. When the whole germanwings thing happened, I saw some comments on an online story along the lines of people saying it must be a Muslim, only muslims do these things etc and it became a Muslim bashing session.then when it emerged that the pilot wasnt Muslim and was suicidal,not crazy mind you, all that hatred became sympathy. If that man had turned out to be a Muslim,suicidal or not he wouldve gotten no so called sympathy. Thats what the media does. Plays on peoples emotions to brew hatred for the Muslim.regardless of whether there are guilty muslims or not, I cant say that is okay. Also,while the media is obliged not report false information, there isnt anything regarding omission of news. So when u got the odd person going on a shooting spree in a school or something, its ignored or downplayed on the pretext that it doesnt get the kind of ratings that Muslims get?

    Again, like ana says they will only accept us when we are like them,so they can go jump in the lake lol

    On a lighter note, hope everyone had a superb weekend!I learnt to make a microwave cake today lol. Who wouldve thought it would actually come out really good!

  • anabellah

    April 19, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    Here’s an idea I’m just tossing out there for you. If your co hasn’t been to umrah or Hajj, she most likely will want to go now that you mentioned it and she most likely will say that since she married first she should go first even though it was your idea. So to quell any friction, you may want to suggest that you and she attend umrah with your husband. I think it’s good to have another female you know with you. I think it would have made hajj easier for me.

    Allah is so merciful. One could perform the umrah OR Hajj. Sometimes Hajj may prove to be too burdensome on some people. Some people start out with Umrah and then go another time for Hajj. Some Muslims say that a person must perform Hajj and the Umrah isn’t sufficient. They minimize Umrah. Allah says in the Holy Quran one can perform Umrah OR Hajj. The ayah (verse) in the Holy Quran is Surah 2, ayah 196

    “And complete the Hajj or Umrah in the service of Allah…” “IF any one wishes to continue the umrah on to the Hajj, he must make and offering…”

    Again, I think it’s wonderful you have considered the Hajj. I hear of many Muslims who travel a lot for pleasure or have wives in various countries whom they travel to see, but have never performed the Umrah or Hajj.

  • anabellah

    April 19, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    May easier you

  • ummof4

    April 19, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Laila, I will make du’ah that you and your husband make Umrah. During the last 10 days of Ramadan Umrah is just as crowded as Hajj. I pray that all of the sisters on this blog are blessed to make Hajj soon. It is a duty that we all must fulfill as Muslims if we possibly can. I have made Hajj 2 times, Alhamdulillah, a true blessing from Allah.

    Marie, may Allah grant you and your co-wife healthy babies who will grow up as servants of Allah.

    Everyone enjoy your day! Do something nice for others. We are doing our monthly feeding of the homeless today, In shaa’Allah. I believe it makes me feel better to feed them than they feel in getting fed and knowing that someone cares about them.

    May Allah grant us all the ability to obey Him without question.

  • Gail

    April 19, 2015

    Marie and lala,
    I totally get where u 2 ladies are coming from and thats perfectly fine I do however see it as one big happy family but it is also true from being on the blog it really is much more common for cowives not to communicate or limit chatting but I will say this it is easy for me to say don’t worry be happy because I am not living polygamy anymore so I totally get it.

    Lala,
    I hope u get your trip because it seems to important and special to u.

    Marie,
    U r a very sweet lady and I feel u r doing the best u can and it is working for u.I get if it is not broken why fix it.

  • anabellah

    April 18, 2015

    Javeria is correct. They are friends and protectors of one another. Yet, if the Muslims weren’t identifying themselves as Muslims and committing these heinous acts, there would be nothing for the media to report.

  • anabellah

    April 18, 2015

    @Marie,

    In order for the media to report someone has a mental illness, they must have documentation of it. It has to be confirmed. For instance, there must have been a history of mental illness documented. The police probably responded to situations involving the person before or the person had been institutionalized previously, for example. The media just won’t come out and allege someone is mentally ill without it being a known fact. The media is accountable and can be sued for false information that they report. Yes,the media do sensationalize because it’s a business and dramatic headlines sell. Thus the reason the headlines are so dramatic. What they report still must be factual.

  • Laila

    April 18, 2015

    Dear Ana. Yes, I suspect there might be some friction when it comes to Umra. Because all these while of being married to hubbs she has never initiated. So, I may never end up going. Because the new ruling is that, women below 45 cannot travel to Mecca on their own without their brother or husband. So yes. I told him about it this morning. So let’s see.

    Dear Gail. I agree with Marie. If it is not bothersome then why create stress? Seriously. Embracing polygamy to me is not to dance with your co in a field full of flowers and sing songs and be merry. Sometimes when two women do not communicate it does not mean they are enemies, but they just feel it is best to limit any form of conversation. I can never communicate with her. Not because we are married to the same man. But because, we just have very different view points about many things. So why start a friction all in the name of embracing polygamy? Many of my relatives on his side ignorantly assume that both of us fight like dogs. We did, in the past. Nowdays I think as we mature, with age and time, we both understand each other’s stance and limit our conversations. Yes, we both b**** to hubbs when we feel one has overstepped her border but we leave it at that. I feel it is better to vent to him then to friends who seem to care but take joy in your misery. Telling hubbs how I feel does not make me a lesser wife or the opthe wife that simply is difficult. But hey, I am a human. I need to vent and let it out of my system. I understand where you are coming from. But it does not always work the way you feel it is. I see it did not even work in your case.

  • Marie

    April 18, 2015

    Ana, javeria. I think I agree with both of you, yes the events are real but the media has a way of wording a headline. For example, in England a crazy man butchered another man in broad daylight. The murderer was Muslim (so he says) the headlines were. Muslims terrorist butchers man ect. Soon there after a christian man murders his room mate for practising witchcraft. The headlines were. Mentally ill man kills room mate. Why is it only Muslims are terrorists and everyone else is mentally ill. Maybe, just maybe some of these “Muslims” are crazy mentally ill humans. They always make a point to include the religion and skin colour if they are black or Muslim, but NEVER when it is a christian, jewellery, atheist, Buddhist white person.

  • Marie

    April 18, 2015

    Gail, I get what your saying. Like i said i don’t not communicate on purpose. We both have busy lives. She is extremely busy and Bearley has time for our husband. Even if I was to invite her out for a coffee it would take a weeks planning. We have talked in the past and been on days out with the kids. We have been in each others lives for 11 years without an argument. I say, if it isn’t broke why fix it. We’re getting on with life just fine. To be honest I don’t know if she has a problem with me or not, and I don’t really care if she does. It’s no skin of my nose.

  • anabellah

    April 18, 2015

    Hey there, Gail,

    Insha Allah, I”ll be back to read you, lady.

  • anabellah

    April 18, 2015

    @ javeria,

    I second your emotion. I don’t care whether they like me or not either. After all, Allah says they won’t accept us unless we follow their way. Wink I’m on my phone. :-)

  • Gail

    April 18, 2015

    Rabiabint,
    Thank u for your comments to me.U r exactly right and I tell u the truth I am the same like u ladies and never had anything in my life but normal sexual relations and the only time i ever had whet u call 3some or weird sex was with 2 muslims from Pakistan which in itself is mind blowing considering how rigid Pakistan is.Knowone is a saint and we all make mistakes in life or come up with some hair brain scheme thinking Hey this sounds good or Hey this way might work only to flop or blow up in your face.

    Ladies,
    I want u all to know I told u my story not to advocate that what I did was some great thing NO NEVER.I just wanted to pass along the lessons I learned and was not expecting as I went through it my ordeal because it was mentioned how can one wife really be ok with her husband sleeping with her cowife something to that affect and I just wanted everyone to know hey it’s D@mn hard no doubt but not impossible and if u can somehow truly want happiness for your cowife the same as for yourself and truly be fine with hubby and cowife sexually together knowing as a woman your cowife needs the same as u do then it just puts u at a whole other spiritual level was the point I was trying to make and it is possible because I went from a place of I wouldn’t P!$$ on my cowife had she been on fire to a place of missing her like crazy and worrying about her welfare and well being.
    Believe me when I say alot of u have cowives that are angels compared to mine and what she put me through over the years so I encourage u when your cowife is irritating the living crap put of u just take care of the problems head on.Communication and forgiveness is the key was the point I was trying to make.

    Marie,
    The point I was trying to make in your case is I think u and your cowife r doing yourselves a disservice to be walking around with a chip on your shoulder and not wanting to communicate with each other when u clearly have biological children between u.This is what I am talking about exactly I don’t believe u 2 woman can’t just bury the hatchet if u have Islam as your guide which I find to be awesome yet u still don’t want to be near each other even being sisters in faith and having the children and hubby between u both.You both r missing alot in life I feel by not being able to be a rock of support for each other.
    I know I am going to get bashed here but I don’t see it as truly accepting polygamy if u can’t love your cowife and be able to at least have a meal together.It truly is like your husband having 2 separate families.
    I think my hard stance on cowives getting along to be able to accept polygamy comes from the bible and the Golden Rule to love your neighbor as yourself and also the story of Abraham and Sarah and Haggar(I believe her maid was called).Sarah was all for Polygamy at first until Haggar became pregnant and became the same as her and then Sarah became angry and upset and forced Abraham to send Haggar away and before that Sarah was treating Haggar bad enough for Haggar to run away.Yes G.D sided with Sarah and told Abraham to listen to Sarah but it makes one wonder what happened to Sarah’s love for Haggar as she had Haggar birth the baby on her knees so she could be considered the mother of the child and yet after she has her own child she sends the child and mother away.Really the story touches me in a very profound way on a very emotional level.It is a blessing that G>D didn’t hold against either lady anything and both boys grew up to be fathers of great nations.
    Marie I am in no way saying u and your cowife r less than because u don’t hang out together and r not best friends and I doubt G.D would hold against u but I always wonder what would G.D think if a woman or women actually did the opposite and actually truly loved each other and worked together and totally 100% accepted each other.I always wonder how much pleasing that would be to G.D and how much reward G.D would bless that family.
    Never think I am putting u ladies down or think I am better than anyone I never mean it that way at all as we r all human.I am just thinking like wouldn’t it be amazing if not only we could accept something like Polygamy with not only an open heart but go above and beyond and how it would work to have so much positive energy being created and what would Allah/G.D think.To me that is off the charts amazing to think about and strive for.That is the ultimate in my book.

  • anabellah

    April 18, 2015

    Whether sensationaliize or not, the events are factual, not made up.

  • anabellah

    April 18, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    It’s such wonderful news that you may go to umrah with the hubz. Yaay. I pray Allah is well pleased with you for considering an Islamic duty over pleasure. There are so many blessings to be gained by you for going. As you stated, Paris will always be there. Perhaps Allah will make Paris a most enchanting, memorable trip for you in the future for having put it off to perform Umrah. Alhumdulliah Allah inspired you to go.

    I have a feeling you may encounter opposition, if your co has never been there yet :-(

  • javeria

    April 18, 2015

    @ana
    On your last comment,I disagree. The media has become an islam bashing frenzy.Yes there r muslims doing these things,but when it happens its blown up all over and forever.yet when it isnt a Muslim its just like this and this happened n its gone and forgotten.never rehashed or reanalised or whatever.The media is often sensationalised and propagandised.so while there are Muslim crazies out there, there are plenty non,just that the non muslims dont sell as much as the Muslim does. Regarding like between muslims and non, Allah tells us not to take them as allies and protectors because they are only protectors of each other.when a Muslim is harmed by a non it is covered or down played.when its the reverse the offender is condemned before even being tried.in the media a Muslim is guilty until proven guilty.period.so for me,I dont care if they like me or not.and that is my slightly harsh opinion

  • Laila

    April 18, 2015

    Hey guys. Something really weird happened. As you guys know we planned to head off to Paris next month. I have no clue why I suddenly suggested that we postpone and head off to Mecca for Umra. I just felt places like Paris etc can wait. Hubbs was open minded about it. He said he would pray on his Friday prayers and ask for an answer. Last night out of the blue I dreamt we both we in Mecca heading off for Umra. I am really….. surprised. Guys I did jot even think about it further. I thought maybe we will put off Umra for a bit.

  • anabellah

    April 17, 2015

    Oh, one last thing. I’m sorry, but I really don’t see anything wrong with non-Muslims not liking Muslims. In many countries on this planet Muslims are doing some very terrible, horrific, brutal things. I read it EVERY DAY. Every thing I read about that’s brutal, violent or barbaric is done by Muslim terrorist groups globally. If it wasn’t happening there would be nothing for the media to write about. It’s news and news worthy. They have to be able to confirm the source. They don’t make the stuff up. It’s real. I’m embarrassed myself by it all.

  • anabellah

    April 17, 2015

    @rabiabint,

    I’m sorry to hear about your speeding ticket. It was just a test. Alhumdulliah, right. I got a $50.00 parking ticket about a month ago. My wali and I went to the Islamic Book store to replace his warn out Quran. We were in there for no more than 8 minutes. We came out as the ticket guy was placing the ticket on the car. Yeap, I was a bit perturb for a bit, maybe a bit angered by it. Fist shake Yet, I went right home and paid it online. One day, Insha Allah, I’ll just be able to smile when something like it happens and say, Alhumdulliah. It would be a beautiful thing to be at that stage of belief and acceptance.

  • anabellah

    April 17, 2015

    @rabiabint,

    I know someone who says he is Muslim, and was eating pig right in front of me. Some Muslims drink alcohol. Allah said avoid drinking wine so you can prosper; shun it; there is some good in alcohol, but the bad in alcohol outweighs the good. It’s what he says in the Quran.

    On the other hand, Allah says, without a doubt, unequivocally, without question, no you should not; He says DON’T EAT IT when it comes to swine. Yep he was eating it and just got finished saying he is Muslim.

  • anabellah

    April 17, 2015

    @rabiabint, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Where you been, woman? I was wondering what happened to you.

    I get it that people are opinionated. It’s one thing. It’s another thing when someone comes on the blog and writes a post telling people not to listen to me because I don’t know what I’m talking about. Saying I’m wrong etc. etc. etc. and think I’m going to post it. That’s is what I can’t get with, especially when the person has no frame of reference. They just spit that stuff out there. How can someone tell the whole audience of polygamy 411 that the administrator who writes all the posts don’t have a clue and think I will post it? How could a person think I would entertain the thought of them remaining here? Allah says what rolls off people’s tongues, if it is bad what is in their hearts is far worse. I just don’t get and don’t want to try to get it. Am I missing something?

    Speaking about people bashing Islam, some people try to annoy Muslims intentionally. Have you ever been around people who start talking about how much they love them some pig and can’t get enough of eating it? My wali had to change barber shops when the barber tried to show out on my wali with his pig eating talk. I’ve been in the presence of people who have known I am Muslim and they talk about how much they love eating the pig. They intentionally wanted to annoy me. Allah says we love them and they love us not. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but they get off on hurting ours. It’s cray, cray zzzzzz.

    I think I understand your question. I think it’s a beautiful thing when all wives and the family could get together, go to Eid prayer together, have meals together, go to affairs/outing together etc. It’s just that Muslims in polygamy struggle with being in polygamous marriages. They can barely cope with being in it, let alone everyone being one big happy family. Everyone has to take baby steps. If they can grasp the concept of their husbands having more than one wife and embrace that alone, knowing Allah decreed it, they’ve made headway. They’ve done darn good. We’ve got to take a step at a time…

  • Rabiabint

    April 17, 2015

    As Salaamu Aliakum Ladies

    My eyes went cross reading the post :-)

    @ Javeria- I am happy to hear that it all worked out and she apologized.. Sometimes people don’t know they are doing something hurtful or wrong until someone tell them

    @Gail- I hope you don’t think I was attacking you… I was just putting myself in your ex co shoes… The threesome is whatever…its the past… Trust me, I am learning a lot from your post. I couldn’t grasp Muslims doing it but you’ve shown it that they would. LOL
    I am so naive…. Its like a muslim eating swine or having bacon in the fridge… LOL

    @Ana- Ok I know I’m late but I’m sorry to hear you and Bibi had a fall out. To be honest I can never tell if someone is angry or being opinionative when I read a post… I just arch a brow to it like “UMMM OKAY”

    @Laila- Kudos to standing up to your friends and making them change the subject. I really don’t get- Where is it posted that People can bash Islam… in front of a muslims? We or I don’t bash other faiths… it is what it is. Inshallah they will be sincerely think before the speak about Islam in front of you.

    it makes me think- All these muslms around the world… some have non-muslms friends and You’d think they (nonmuslims) would be like “Hmmm my friend is muslims and she or he doesn’t act as the media portrays… sooo yea.. I’m not going to believe that. Instead its the opposite. SMH

    in my realm its drama… like UGGGGGGGGGGGGG but I’ve decided to keep it to myself and let Allah deal with it… I’m just doing me… Found two new Mosque to visit.. and YES YES YES after the phone call with the what’s his name I drove to the mosque and just prayed until I was at ease… then ended up with a speeding ticket… LOL

    Ok I have Q.

    Is Polygamy in Islam supposed to have an invisible wall between the wives/ family?

    I think about the TLC Show Sisterwives and how they all come together because they see it as a one unit family… To me that’s so Islamic… but am I wrong? I even seend this ”
    one Unit poly-marriage amongst muslims- very rare I think but than that was when I was a child- I noticed it. IDK if its the same today.

    I pray all of you have a wonderful weekend.. I have to work tomorrow… BLAHHHHHH

  • anabellah

    April 17, 2015

    @javeria, As Salaamu Alaikum

    You mentioned that some Muslims says certain things about Islam is outdated, wasn’t meant for our times etc. I know for a fact some say such things. There have been Muslim who have come to this blog and said certain things in the Quran is no longer valid, it’s been abrogated, repealed etc. They tell me to look at a Tafsir. I still to this day don’t know what a Tafisir is or looks like, and don’t want to know. I’m like, how could these Muslims say such a thing when Allah says in the Quran that he has put everything in the Quran that we need, left out what is unnecessary and protects the Quran from corruption? SMH Without a doubt, not everyone will get it.

    I’m so happy to hear you cleared the air with your co. Whether she was sincere in her response to you or not, you let her know you don’t play that, so she should think twice before she gets funky with you in the future. Talk to the hand You did good!

  • Marie

    April 17, 2015

    One more thing. Hubz would never accept separation between the kids or allow either wife to bad mouth the other to the kids. They see polygamy as normal they don’t see that their is or has ever been any animosity between us. Me and my co do not have no contact on purpose, it’s just worked out that way, we haven’t had a reason to discuss anything as I said, we’re Muslims striving to be believers. We know our rights and obligations and try our best to fulfil them with help and permission from Allah.

  • Marie

    April 17, 2015

    Gail, lailas post just reminded me that you spoke of our children and me and my co should communicate for their sake. I don’t see that we have to talk for our children to be brought up as 1 family with the same values. Me and my co are both Muslim so we don’t need to talk about how to bring them up or what to teach them, our religion tells us how to bring up children. Hubz takes control of them being around each other. We treat all the kids the same, hubz usually deals with disaplin when they (the kids) are all together. The way the kids are with each other you would think we all live in the same house.
    All it takes is everyone to have the same goal and and a good husband.

  • anabellah

    April 17, 2015

    @Safiya, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I pray you’re having a blessed Friday, as well. Wow, I really feel for your acquaintance. It’s sad. The co felt she had the upper hand once she had a child by the husband. I guess she played her cards rights. I couldn’t imagine how I’d feel or what I’d do in a situation that turned out like it. A commentator Lynn was here. Her husband ended up marrying their maid. The maid wasted no time in letting Lynn know that the two of them were equals. Although what she said was true, I know it hurt Lynn. Lynn said she had taught the maid a lot and the maid was now using it to care for Lynn’s husband, as his wife. Things always change when the variables change. Mari2 need to do some serious contemplating about letting the MIL and the co into her home. I thinks she’s asking for trouble, if she does it.

    Safiyah, You are so correct that Allah lets us know when children could enter the parents rooms to protect everyone and their modesty. It lets us know the importance of privacy and modesty. He let’s us know who we could be in a state of undress in front of. Alhumdulliah, you brought it to our attention He tells us how to enter dwellings, to make our presence known and get permission before entering to guard everyone’s modesty and privacy. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    I love what you stated, which needs re-posting, which is as follows:

    “Polygamy is ordained by Allah, no one chooses it. I have never expected to find myself in it but have never abhorred it for to do is blasphemous. I think the trick is to be yourself from the onset and not pretend to like what u dont. Every moment is a learning process and it gets easier as you adjust to each others likes and dislikes. No one has the power to make you miserable unless you let them. I always try to find the tiniest silver lining on the cloudiest days when it seems I cant cope anymore and Allah always give me one. May Allah continue to make it easier for us.”

    I think it’s very important a person not pretend to like something she doesn’t like. The person goes into denial, if she pretends. She doesn’t work on the issue at hand. To pretend only perpetuate the problem. It’s not the way to go. It resolves nothing.

  • Laila

    April 17, 2015

    Dear Javeria. In the past I allowed all my non-Muslim friends and neighbours talk all they want about Islam. From why fast and later pig out to why the need to pray five times a day. I usually kept quiet or later I would explain. I don’t know why after reading stuff here on the blog, I have come to a conclusion that I am not about to take the s*** talk any longer. There are many instances where I as a Muslim can also say many insensitive things about other religions. Like why so many deities or gods? Is there really an afterlife whereby we need to appease our ancestors to be ‘lucky’ in this life? Why is money the central focus of some religions? So yes. If they as non’s cannot understand and find Islam as outdated, then that is their problem, not mine. I am not about to apologize and make “you” feel comfortable. I am proud of where I am and I am not budging.

  • Laila

    April 17, 2015

    Dear Gail. I agree that your co is no saint. But I just cannot stomach what was done between you three. All parties are on the wrong in soma manner. Nobody is totally innocent. I agree with your stance when you said that you had to do something when she was plotting against you. In the past, my co did such wonderful things to disrupt my marriage and just play games. Because of my age and inexperiences, I just took the bait all the time. But I will say this though. I appreciate that I live separately, and do not have to come into contact with her. I believe that when I have kids too, I will not start or encourage any mixing up with her kids. It will get complicated and ugly. I believe hubbs as much as he does not agree will sort of give in because he too at times has zero tolerance for any drama. I appreciate the fact that I have a separate home, cars and a separate life. We don’t like bump into each others face and that is the best. It works. In Marie’s case it is tougher because all kids mingle and have some form of interaction. They or Marie may have their reasons. Maybe it works for them. But I foresee problems if I start that. Sometimes my relatives on his side comment a lot of stuff. Like how sad it is that we as wives do not mingle and that we are two separate entities. I just don’t feel a thing. Upset initially but then I tell myself, these people are nuts. They are not in my situation, experiencing whatever I am going through. So save me the ‘sad’ talk. We are just two fierce and firm women. I totally like what Rabiabint said. There cannot be two lions I think in the same area. Sorry but memory is bad.

    Dear Spirited. I am where I am due to my patience, and also to some extent, intelligence. In the past due to my immaturity, many including hubbs took total advantage of me. I always fell for the bait and was also looked upon as a bad person. Nowdays, I don’t react immediately and I actually ask a lot of logical questions. I in fact, put her and him in a spot by not getting angry, and just use logic. Something which I’ve noticed works to my advantage. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t take advantage but then again, I don’t allow the same thing to happen to me. Like recently, I asked a favour from him to be around for a dinner but it fell on her time. He was so touchy about it. Then I told him, oh okay so my time can be used to handle your side, in terms of functions etc? He just kept quiet. I then told him, it is okay. I am not attending. In the future don’t use my time for any functions on her side. He felt so bad and apologized. I just said, sorry but I am least bothered about apologies. I just will be petty too in the future. Just like you. Sometimes, I have learnt, it is wise to be draw your line and show people you mean business. Spouse included. I’m not upset with my co. I’m a bit upset at how touchy he got. So yes. As a wife, I am kind and loving. But where it requires for me to show that I am not your doormat, I will also do it. Life is too short to be taken for granted all the time. After a while, it gets to you.

  • Gail

    April 17, 2015

    Safiya,
    Thank you and I try not to see it as an attack against me at all because I know Muslims have rules to follows given by the Quran and I totally do respect that.The number one reason I made that demand on hubby was never for control although it sure does appear that way but control was never the number one reason I demanded all in same room.I will tell u why I did it and that is because I could not believe my perfect husband who had been so devoted to me telling me he loved me more than anything etc… Could do such an outlandish offense against me.I swear I could not believe it or wrap my mind around it and I said to my self I had to see this to believe it.I swear the entire time in my mind the months leading up to us going to Pakistan I was daily saying to myself I just can’t believe this.I also told myself I am going to see this this disgusting thing with my own eyes and get pictures evidence against him to hang him when I file divorce.I actually told myself all this.So that is the real reason I had to see it with my own eyes.Even after I saw with my own eyes did I start to mellow a little and start feeling kinda sorry for her.I am telling u the truth there was a time there I wanted to physically harm him and her but normally it was mainly him I wanted to harm it took everything inside of me not to act upon it on 2 different occasions and I am not joking or sugar coating anything while i was in Pakistan.The only thing that stopped me was that I would loose my biological children and my baby would be forever stuck in Pakistan with his family and I knew I would play hell ever getting him back if I did get out of a Pakistani prison which I doubt I would have .Not to mention I would have been passed around like a piece of meat so that is all that stopped me.It is never a joke when u play with human emotions.
    Again my motive was to witness it I just felt like I had to see it to really believe it as sad as that sounds.
    I am a very bold and brave person I feel and will do things the average person might not consider doing but that has always been my character.Maybe I am flawed I don’t know but I would never do to someone what was done to me that much i know.

  • Safiya

    April 17, 2015

    Assallam Allaikum Sisters, Jummuat Mubarak to you all. I always look forward to reading your posts, its becoming a major highlight of my day, Masha Allah.

    @Ana. May Allah continue to bless and give you wisdom. This blog is very important to us Sisters and I think we should guard it jealously. I believe you are a tolerant and kindhearted person and so Bibi must have really gone overboard to make you take the action you did. All the same, please find it in your heart to forgive her especially if she is sorry for what she did. Allah has placed a huge responsibility on your shoulders, (not an easy one i must say), May He give you the wisdom and large heart to accomplish it and may He reward you with the best of Jannah, Amin.

    Was pleased that you read about my country, i must say we have been in the news alot lately. Alhamdullilah, the much dreaded general elections has come and gone without much violence. We have a very popular, kind and fearless President elect now; Gen. Muhammadu Buhari. The people of Nigeria demonstrated their resolve and desire for change by massively voting for the retired General. The historic election passed a strong message to the political class that power belongs to Allah and the people. Am sure they wont take the masses for granted any more! Now we look forward to a peaceful handing over (29th May, 2015) and rebuilding the Nigeria of our dreams.

    The issue of boko haram and the abduction of over 200 school girls from Chibok is also known world wide. The unfortunate incidence was 1 year on the 14th of April (three days ago). We are fervently praying for their safe return and I hope you join us in prayers too. May Allah cure and shield the Ummah from this evil called terrorism, it is not of us and will never be Insha Allah.

    @Mari2- An acquaintance of mine was married for over 25 yrs without issues and she was very much in love with her hubby. They both were well-to-do but my she was wealthier. They decided adoption was out of d question since it was obvious she couldnt have babies and decided to bring the hubby’s cousin in as a co wife. The girl was brought from the village, polished and pampered by the first to make babies. I must say at this point that i felt it was a calculated and well thought out move to the point of being cold! The girl had a child quite alright and became a tiger herself. She would no longer take back stage and demanded her rights and that of her kid. The house is like a war zone now with daggers always drawn. MIL and her cohorts provided the girl with steel amour to fight d first who ended up getting more than she bargained for! Agreeing to something at first makes it hard for u to complain when the problems start. I have discovered that men tend to tilt towards the mother of their kids when d chips are down especially if they are blood relative and has MIL’s backing. It is best for each wife to maintain and nurture her own domain.

    Polygamy is ordained by Allah, no one chooses it. I have never expected to find myself in it but have never abhorred it for to do is blasphemous. I think the trick is to be yourself from the onset and not pretend to like what u dont. Every moment is a learning process and it gets easier as you adjust to each others likes and dislikes. No one has the power to make you miserable unless you let them. I always try to find the tiniest silver lining on the cloudiest days when it seems I cant cope anymore and Allah always give me one. May Allah continue to make it easier for us.

    @Gail- Dont see all the talks of the threesome as an attack on you, i was shocked by it too but who am I to judge, especially since you are a non. This is because Islam forbids private acts between couples diplayed in public. That is why Allah forbids children at certain age are from entering the parents room at night, time of rest or siesta so as not to expose them to any indecent sight. He also forbids spouses speaking of their intimate moments with others. Intimacy should be a very private thing between a man and his wife. When this act now takes place in the presence of co wives, it breeds jealousy and resentment. Allah in His Supremacy wants to guard us against harm. Allah knows best.

    Its way past close of work, as much as I hate to leave you lovely Sisters, weekend beckons. I am planning on giving me some tlc this weekend away from hubby lol. Dont forget to love yourselves first and let Allah take control!

    Massalam.

  • anabellah

    April 17, 2015

    @coco, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Happy Friday to you too, Sis :-) Thank you much for sharing the piece by Yasmin Mogahed. It’s good stuff. I had never heard of her, (which dosen’t mean anything, as I haven’t heard of a lot of people LOL) until you began sharing her material with us.

    I love the little heart that you made. It is sooooo cute. Lotz of love back at you, coco.

  • javeria

    April 17, 2015

    Slms everyone :)
    I have to thank everyone for their advice.It helped.I did speak up about it and co apologised,she said it wasn’t done intentionally and she may have overreacted,her emotions arent always controlled etc etc….i dont know if it was sincere or not and im not sure whatever tangent shes on is now over but Allah knows best,im choosing to believe it is and hoping for the best. I prefer the peaceful no stress climate lol.

    @ gail
    I understand some of your thoughts…some muddle me.I dont think your co was guiltless, I think she tried to be manipulative and it blew up in her face.I also think she was influenced alot by others. One of the things I dnt get is your attitude toward her being younger than u.u said to mari2 something along the lines of her co being younger and basically a child…forgive me if ive gotten the wrong end of the stick, but surely whether a woman is 18 or 40,if shes old enough to marry and everything that it comes with then surely she is old enough to be considered an adult,and responsible for her actions?in which case it wouldnt be right to consider her a child regardless?the way I see it its like saying teen moms r kids so they cant be responsible for their actions and their lives.If they saw themselves as mature enough to make the decision to have sex n have a baby,then they should be held responsible,period. Also,I must agree with laila in that I think you were trying to be a little controlling,tho I guess I understand.If I felt like my life was spiralling out of whack I’d probably also try to find something that I could control.

    @ laila im glad you can stand for your beliefs.many muslims will be apologetic about their religion or sit quietly and let people bash Islam.like ana said,not everyone sees.I know of a few muslims who ive told to go jump because of their views on their own religion. For example many muslims feel they must explain Allah’s command regarding polygamy and then try to fit in with the kuffaar by saying things like its outdated or distorted or wasnt meant for our time etc etc.The book of Allah is for all time and finish.no such nonsense.so dont feel guilty.you are totally justified in telling these people the truth.whether they accept it or not is up to them.

    @coco

    Really nice piece.yasmin mogahed is a good writer.some of her poetry is amazing!

  • coco

    April 17, 2015

    Assalaamualeikum jumma mubarak & a big hello to all the lovelies! ☺️

    Ana I am sorry to hear about Bibi, I must say you have a pure heart even after harsh exchanges with others you never keep grudges in your heart but rather show tolerance. It saddens me when others threaten the blog as this is a place many depend on sometimes reading just one sentence can give another a sense of hope or I’ll be alright when you see many other woman around the world enduring the similar pain that comes along with a polygamous lifestyle. Sometimes all you need to know is that you’re not the only one facing such obstacles. You DON’T deserve that I’m not sure why people threaten the blog? They must fail to realise that they’d be hurting many others in a much deeper way as opposed to you. Sad! Anyway I came across this piece thought to share as we all have those moments of struggle and seeking solace with or without polygamy. Hope you enjoy the weekend!
    Lots of love sister ❤️ xo

    I have spent a lot of my life trying to reconcile between hardship and ease. On the one hand, we are told again and again that the straight path is not easy and requires struggle and sacrifice. But on the other hand, as humans we always desire ease. What I have come to realize is that the path will always have challenges, tests and trials. There will be hardships and there will be storms. But, if Allah wills, you can be given ease *within* the hardship. The one who finds refuge in Allah, remains dry—even during the most powerful storm. Outside, it may be raining, but inside the refuge of Allah, it’s dry. Outside, it may be storming, but inside yourself, there is calm. Even the flames of your life can be made ‘bardan wa salama’ (coolness and safety), as they were on Ibraheem (AS). So my focus was wrong. I was trying to create a jennah, a perfect, storm-free, fireless world, outside. But this doesn’t exist in dunya. I needed to shift the focus. Jennah—a calm, peaceful world—can exist inside. Your sanctuary is inside yourself. No one can take that sanctuary away from you. No storm can affect it. No rain can reach it. Work on building *that* jennah. Work on entering *that* jennah. And you will have jennah in this life, and the next.
    Yasmin Mogahed

  • anabellah

    April 17, 2015

    @Gail,

    I don’t think your ex-co is guiltless at all. I believe we all get exactly what we deserve. Good begets good and evil begets evil. She and your husband didn’t rely on God to provide for them in a good way, but apparently thought they had to resort to deceit snd manipulation. Sadly, for whatever reason, she didn’t make it a point to keep her children to raise them as Muslim.

  • Gail

    April 17, 2015

    Laila,
    I do agree with u that u should never let anyone put u down or your religious beliefs.U r on the right track in that area I believe.Nonmuslims do tend to be freaked out when it comes to muslims because of 911 and r just misguided from the media etc.. for sure always hold your own and never let others put u down or make u feel less than.

  • Gail

    April 17, 2015

    Laila,
    I am sorry I see it totally different.She tried to make a fool of me she sat by knowing they were plotting against me for immigration so I am sorry if I can’t feel sympathy for her on that topic.U talk about my moral behavior well where was hers when she was trying to screw me.Yes I was controlling at first and anyone in my situation unless they were NUTS would have also been very weary and lacking of trust in my situation when u find out something as insane as I did.I am sorry but I feel whatever punishment she got and is doing to herself is her own fault.U ladies think she is like little miss nicy nice well sadly she is not.She not only plotted again me a nonmuslim but she plotted against her own cousin my husbands sister when she asked for my husband sister to marry her brother.U don’t know the entire story Laila. All this came about because of her own selfishness NOT MINE.Everything she did was to try to put a nail in my coffin and I was trying to damage control.
    Her mother and brother flat mentally tortured my sister inlaw just to let u know so much in fact my sister had to get out of their home and divorce my cowife brother.MY cowife flat told me to take kids back to usa she was not keeping them and then after we got back to usa she calls telling me she wants kids well I told her tough crap I am not sending them back to pakistan on my dime after I told her a a few months before to keep them.Well come to find out my sister inlaw tells us that she overheard them plotting my cowife and her mother and brother to trade my kids for my sister inlaws kid.I asked my sister inlaw WHY!! She said because your kids r USA citizens and they will use the kids in future send to usa to make money and try to use kids to immigrate to USA my kid is worthless she is Pakistani.Long story short my excowife is a mess and not from my doing but from her own crazy parents doing.I have always tried to be as compassionate as I can with her to the point of even forgiving her whacky insane behavior.I never claimed to be perfect but I am not going to one second sit here and say oh it is my fault because I am to controlling when her and hubby and esp her and her parents plotted against me.

  • anabellah

    April 17, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    Just thank Allah much that He gave you eyes that can see (the truth), ears that can hear it,and a tongue that can speak it. There are Muslims who are deaf, dumb, and blind the same as non-Muslims. The signs (ayat) verses from Quran could be placed right in front of their faces and they still reject the truth. They want to do the opposite because it’s what they desire. Then they want to try to hurt you because of your beliefs the way some, including bibi did me. It’s very sad. Thank Allah he favored you and gave you light so you are not in darkness. I agree with your husband that sitting on the fence is not the way to live. The man has got something on the cap (brains).

  • Laila

    April 17, 2015

    Dear Ana and Marie. Initially I had such mixed feelings when it came to non-Muslims. I always sort of had some form of conflict. I wanted to always accomodate to their needs and what would make them feel comfortable. Now, I just feel otherwise. Why should I? I don’t have to be rude or mean but I surely do not have to go out of my way for them. Like just recently, I was having tea with my non-Muslim friends and someone tried to touch on terrorism and Islam and how Muslims are going astray. I actually told them, “guys, I am not going to tolerate such talk. Please change the subject.” After reading stories here on how Muslim men marry other raced women and just sort of let go of their Islamic teachings made me go through a light bulb moment. Hubbs always tells me, that a man or woman must choose a side and follow it through and not sit on the fence. May it be decisions in life, religion etc. Bite the bullet and move forward. Those are his lines. I’ve also read how some articles just find ways to thrash Islam and make it look like a religion based on sex purely and that the women are oppressed. Now, after reading so much on this blog, I feel, and totally agree with you both. Why break our backs for readers in cyber space? We have stated our way of life and we will not yield to anyone. Just like how some articles and people who chat in the net have their dogmatic views on Islam. I really also believe that when a Muslim man marries another raced woman he is putting his belief on the line. If the wife is open towards learning Islam and making it her way of life, their marriage is saved and will be easy. But if it is otherwise, then hell can be literally on earth. Because they will want to run the show based on their ideas and theories that are ‘accepted worldwide’. It has opened my eyes up. Now I know where to stand and this will be the last time I ever will be in conflict with myself. I will not allow myself to fall into the idea of making a non comfortable. It is either you respect my religion or we can part ways. Because if I can be sensitive to yours, why can’t you do the same? Thank you ladies for the good, thought provoking posts. It has really changed me and made me ‘see’. Thank you guys. [ big big hugs!! ]

  • Laila

    April 17, 2015

    Dear Ana and Gail. After reading all of the posts I have my opinion on the matter which by the way will not hinge on an Islamic point of view. This is because Gail, you do not believe in Islam and eventhough you may understand it but then again there is a possibility of you not accepting it. You did a huge mistake by having a threesome. Because as much as you might believe she would have been open to the idea, she would also felt pressured to sort of doing it with the both of you. The fact that your husband talked to her would have in her mind gave her the thought that she needs to dance to the tune or else, more s*** will fly. Yes I can understand the fact that you were angry that he and she lied to you in regards to the matter of their marriage. But as you always state that you dislike lies, why did you not just become the better person and not start this threesome activity? What did you hope to gain from it? Or did you crave for total control? Because without you your husband will not be able to be in the US and without your support she too will be affected in terms of her life. I looked at it as you trying to control matters right up to the bedroom activities. You said your in-laws lack any form of morality, what ever happened to yours for you to encourage a threesome? I don’t for a second believe she abandoned her children. She would have been pushed to the corner and would have reached her saturation point with the both of you. She is now having to be answerable to your MIL and on top of producing babies, she also has no say when it comes to any financial point? Even if I am your co, I would have lost it. You indirectly showed her that you are the so called head wife by not allowing her to have any form of control of money. You did not have to give up everything to her but you could have in some manner given her some. She is after all also part of his life and she is also his wife. Why do you concern yourself with their sexual activities and whether she got some or not? That is like taking on the role of a mother / teacher mode. I’m not coming down hard on you but I now understand why she just refused to dance to your tune. You expected a lot out of her. The fact she was begging to be let into the room probably was because she knew that that was the only way back in to be part of the circle of trust. It had I think nothing to do with the sexual activities. You by “showing” her that your husband is not so into her also broke her heart in some manner. No woman wants to know that their husband is not really aroused by her. It breaks you inside. She should have had time to communicate with him and you should not have “helped” by giving in pointers. Gail, all she ever wanted was a bit of control and to feel good about herself. Buying her a home was a really generous gesture on your part. That was very nice of you. But I feel she is really hurt deep down and she has decided in anger to just let you be the boss and raise her kids as well. You on the other hand either sink or swim in raising her kids. She too has rights. She was his wife after all, whether he loves her or not, he was responsible towards her. In my experiences of polygamy, the man has to be the leader. No wife has the right to have the upper hand onto another wife. Especially financially. It makes the other wife feel so helpless that to some extent she will dance to the tune of whatever is expected of her. In the past, my co-wife actually told hubbs not to spend money over me when we were away on a weekend trip. I overheard because she has a tendency to speak very loudly. Do you know how I felt? Broken hearted. Because in my mind, who is she to dictate that? And the best part was, we used my car to travel. My petrol if I wanted to be petty. So yes. This happened very early in my life and I stood firm and I told hubbs off really good. I am nobody’s stringed puppet. By marrying you, I am agreeing to a part-time husband. I have compromised for your children. Now, I don’t need her lording over how much money you are allowed to spend on me. If you wan’t to be a dog on a leach, you go ahead. But don’t drag me into your circus. He learnt from then on on how to be a leader. No I am not taking any orders from my co. I respect her but, just don’t cross the line with me.

  • Gail

    April 17, 2015

    Ana,
    The majority of these woman’s husbands r already married and in a polygamous relationship so unless they want divorce they have to work it out.I don’t see it being hypocritical at all like just using u and I for example u don’t want to deal with your cowife at all and your totally fine with that where I am not fine in my situation with that.I think it just boils down to to each their own.
    Laila is basically the same as u she doesn’t have kids and not mixing up with her cowife works for her which I think is fine because kids r not involved but then I seen Marie and her not mixing up with her cowife when they both have kids and I find her situation alot like mine in regards they have kids by hubby sooo i find her situation more intense because of the kids.I do and always will maintain that if woman r to practice polygamy then they should think of their children first and bend over backwards to make sure the children come first all the children not just hers and that means getting along with your cowife.
    As far as hubby comment it was uncalled for and no excuse for it.

  • anabellah

    April 16, 2015

    Rahma,

    You said you want to accept polygamy, but don’t know how. I’ve just written a new post on the subject. It basically encompasses what I’ve stated in prior posts, but possibly simplifies it more. Here is the link: https://www.polygamy411.com/women-accept-polygamy/ Insha Allah, it will be helpful.

  • anabellah

    April 16, 2015

    @Gail,

    I am very confused about your belief in polygamy. You say you accept polygamy and you say all the ladies here should accept their co-wives if they accept polygamy. On the other hand you said you wouldn’t want your husband to become polygamous with someone other than your ex-co because you don’t want another woman around your children. Yet, you’re encouraging women on this blog to bond with their co-wives and raise children together. Polygamy isn’t just for women who have children by the husband. It’s not what polygamy is about. Polygamy is about a man having more than one wife whether the wives have children by him or not.

    In my mind, to accept polygamy, a woman accepts that her husband is married to, loves, and has sex with another woman who is his wife the same as she is. He should be able to have sex with his other wife without anyone meddling in their business. As Ruqayyah pointed out, you and she would be equal as wives.

    I can’t see how you can encourage the women on this blog to bond with their co-wives and raise children, yet you wouldn’t do it with anyone other than your ex-co. It’s hypocritical. You’re telling women to do something you wouldn’t do.

    About your ex-co having bad breath, you may remember there was a male Pakistani commentator here on the blog who said the males in Pakistan are pampered and given all the toiletries while the women go without. It was a Pakistani male who told us it.

  • Gail

    April 16, 2015

    Ana,
    I heard that saying on Oprah years ago and I believe she said Maya Angelou told her that but not for positive anyhow I love that saying as it is sooo trueee!!

    Everyone keeps mentioning that she may not wanted me to watch her and hubby etc… but I need everyone to keep in mind it was all very new to me had we stayed together I would have lightened up I am certain.I am strict but not heartless.Even she told me that her and hubby had sex at the inlaws house thinking it would hurt me or cause a fight between hubby and I and I told her Oh THanks G.D I was worried u were not getting your rights now I don’t have to worry anymore thank YOU!! Needless to say she hung up on me and I asked hubby about it and he said no she is just trying to cause problems.I told him it was ok if he did and he said he knows but he did not.I dropped it after that one talk.

  • anabellah

    April 16, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    Let me just say she rubbed me the wrong way with her last couple comments that I did not post that were a personal attack on me and all I stand for on this blog. It’s not enough for a person to go off the deep end and then email me that she is sorry. I have blocked her emails. It one thing for someone to voice opinions and views. It’s another for the person to try to undermine me, sabotage the blog and all I stand for. I welcomed her back before when she lied here on the blog and then went crazy on me, but I won’t stand for her being here any more. I go with the saying someone shared with us here: When people show you who they are, believe them.

  • Ruqayyah

    April 16, 2015

    @Ana, what happened with Bibi?

    @Gail, you say most women do not accept polygamy. I actually think you do not accept polygamy. Accepting your husband has another wife means you accept that that other woman is equal to you and has just as much say and control over her relationship as you do. It DOES NOT mean that one wife gets to dictate such intricate matters about the other such as whether or not she is present in the others sex life. If you truly accepted polygamy you would have allowed your co wife to flourish in her own relationship and given her a choice in whether or not she wanted to be with the man she loved while you watched.

  • anabellah

    April 16, 2015

    FYI, “Bibi” aka “Shabanah” will not be back. I have no tolerance for her.

  • anabellah

    April 16, 2015

    Oh, Gail,

    I think, as well, your husband may fear that you, he and she would resume the sexual activities you all engaged in before together, which is another reason why he won’t consider re-marrying his ex. It could be why he says he believes he’s going to go to the Hell Fire – because of that activity, for hurting his ex-wife, for hurting you. He may be suffering internally about a lot of things.

  • anabellah

    April 16, 2015

    @Gail,

    You asked how your ex-co could so easily let her children go with you to the States, and allow you to raise her children Jewish. I’ve probably mentioned it before, but my take is she probably did it for a couple of reasons she thought valid.

    One, she knows her children would have more opportunities here in the States. She knew you would love and take good care of her children as though they were your own. She knew their dad would love and take care of them, as well. Any Islam she had took a back seat to the children having the best they can in this world.

    Two, she’s probably angry, upset and bitter that her husband doesn’t love her, and chose you over her. She may think she is punishing you, your husband and the children by abandoning them. I know it’s hurts you that she abandoned the children entirely, that she won’t communicate with them, that she won’t, that she won’t go along with how you want things to be. She’s accomplishing her goal of punishing you, in a sense. Maybe the children feel some way about it, as well, that their biological mother readily gave them away, and has no interest in communicating with them.

    I know you would like you, she, he and the children to be a family. I simply think your husband is honest in that he wants only you and no parts of polygamy with anyone at this stage of his life. Not all men are cut out to be polygamous. Some are very content being monogamous. He’s been there and done that being married to two women at one time. It’s not his cup of tea. I’d suggest you leave him alone about it. Put it to rest. Accept what is now about her.

    Insha Allah, when the children are grown and out on their own, making their own intentions, they’ll reunite with their mother, and bring her to the States. Perhaps it’s what the ex-co has in mind. Allah knows best.

  • Gail

    April 16, 2015

    Marie your reason u gave was kinda the reason i ended up accepting polygamy in a way.I knew the bible and so many patriarchs practiced polygamy so it gave me courage to try.

  • Gail

    April 16, 2015

    Javeria,
    I was very mental for a a few years and it was a horrible feeling all the love I had went to hate and loathing.I can honestly say I thought to physically hurt him in Pakistan and grab my birth child and leave back to usa.It was only because I kept faith that G.D was trying to show me something in all that mess that kept me hanging on by a thread.
    everyone thinks the truth is so hard but I say a lie is so much more damaging and harder than any truth.I will take the truth over a lie anyday.

  • Gail

    April 16, 2015

    Safiya,
    welcome to the group!Yeah I guess I am a pretty bold when it comes to speaking out.Happy to have u here with us.

  • Gail

    April 16, 2015

    Halma,
    Ana Answered your question perfectly.Yeah it hurt me to the core of my being when I figured out because I gave up so much to be with him and to pull him and his son out of Pakistan then I accepted his daughter after I found out about that and immigrated her to usa then I accepted my cowife.
    Here is the thing I would like to add…It is not a reflection on me of what my husband does against me anymore than it is a reflection on u what your husband does against you.I truly see it now as a gift this happened because I learned so much about myself and doing the right thing in the face of adversity.I know I am not muslim but I have very high moral compass to be honest.At first I stayed for the children but now I stay because I love him and i do feel i made the right choice at this time in my life.My children are happy and growing up stress and tension free and my husband is really trying hard to be a great.I actually feel G.D has blessed me to stay and not leave the marriage.Hope that helps to answer your question.
    I could have divorced G.D knows I sure thought to divorce but I didn’t and I know my husband is sorry about the entire mess 100% because his sister was cross married with his first wives brother and he had to take his sister second divorced(she had already been divorced once) Which is Hell for a brother to do but he had to make a choice and he choice his sisters divorce and to get rid of of his first wife and her family and keep me in the end.Keep in he took a huge risk doing that because right after he sent first wife back to the village and we come back to usa I flat told him that I was divorcing him and going to move to Michigan to marry my first love.He could have called her back and got back together with her but he did not.It took me 2 years to decide not to divorce him and let my 1st love finally go for good.

  • anabellah

    April 16, 2015

    @Safiya, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Sis, :-)

    So, you are Nigerian. How cool it is. Wow, there is a lot going on over there on your part of the planet. I read about it everyday. I pray Allah keeps you and your family safe and secure.

    I absolutely loved reading your post. You have such a soothing way of writing. You sound to be an absolutely beautiful person.

    I could understand your husband is jealous of your ex and is insecure thinking you may leave him and return to the ex. You know how men are when it comes to other men. They can be very insecure, especially if your husband is controlling the way you said he is. I figured if your children are teenagers, they’d not want much to do with him and vice versa, especially being their father is still an active part of their lives.

    It’s beautiful to learn that some of your relatives accepted Islam. I love the story of the one who had the recurring dreams and then accepted Islam. I had no one try to convince me to accept Islam either. Allah simply placed me in the presence of some Muslims for a while and Allah had me inquire about the religion – Islam. It’s how it came about. None of them ever approached me about it. I remember wanting to cover (my hair) for the longest. Allah put Muslims all around me everywhere I went, in the malls, stores etc. and they were covered. It happened for weeks. I was in awe by them all and wanted desperately to cover. The thought of covering was difficult for me because of the line of work I was in (Law Enforcement – Detective). Nontheless, I began to cover after seeing all those sisters. Then suddenly, all the Muslims I had seen covered I saw no more. It was incredible. It was definitely a sign for me. It was amazing…

    I’d love to read the story you have for Mari2. I so believe that all wives should have their own dwellings when in polygamous marriages. I think the Muslim men who house the wives all together are very self-serving. They are very selfish men.

  • anabellah

    April 16, 2015

    Halma, it’s okay. Thank you much for not flying off the deep end for me butting in with my 2 cents.

  • Halma

    April 16, 2015

    The Q wasn’t meant to sound satanic at all. Apologies to Gail if it did.

  • anabellah

    April 16, 2015

    I’m sorry, Halma, but the question to Gail sounded Satanic.

  • anabellah

    April 16, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to Everyone,

    @Halma,

    I’ll butt in, with all due respect. Gail has been with us at polygamy 411 for Yeeeears now. She has repeatedly let us know that she was very devastated and upset that (she believes) her husband married her for immigration. Does it really matter if he did marry her for immigration, when he clearly, unequivocally, without a doubt loves her now? He has shown her in every way imaginable that he loves her. She doesn’t question it. It’s clear he doesn’t love his ex-wife. Why have her question it now, by having her reflect again on how it should bother her or whatever the reason you asked? Of course it bothered her, and may still slightly bother her. Who wouldn’t it bother?

    I think Gail is at a good place now in that she has forgiven her husband for his errors. Maybe Allah has forgiven him, as well. Only Allah knows. I think it’s good that Gail has forgiven her husband, and has put in effort to make a go of their marriage.

    Is marrying for immigration wrong? Deceit is wrong. Conning someone is wrong. Lying and cheating someone is wrong. If a man or woman lets the prospective partner know that he or she wants to marry the person for immigration, is it wrong? People marry for various reasons, for the beauty of the person, for the wealth of the person, for the lineage of the person, for the education and intellect of the person, or for the faith of the person etc. Some get to know the person and marry for love. People marry for many reasons. The best reason for a Muslim/believer to marry is for a person’s faith and belief in Allah.

  • Safiya

    April 16, 2015

    Assallam Alaikum Sisters. Wow…my eyes are red from reading all your wonderful posts. I have gained so so much from you all, THANK YOU.
    @Ana. I am from Nigeria by the way( surprised) and not from Pakistan like u tot. Realized that we do have some cultural similarities. It is very common to find cousins marrying over here and culture also plays a lot of role in marriages. Luckily my MIL likes me a lot, she even shows me more welcome into the family and reminds my hubby often that i am an ammanah (trust)given to him. Hubby likes my kids from the beginning but lately, he cannot be bothered about them so i keep their issues from him which also does not go down well with him cos he like to be in total control. ( mind they are both teenagers and have always lived with me but have a good relationship with their biological father which i encouraged). Sometimes i feel he is jealous of my ex and no matter how i reassure him, he feels there is a window of going back to him since we have kids together and i don’t have with him yet. So, i always have to let him know if I need to call my ex or he calls me on issues relating to the kids.

    I love and admire your story and life into Islam dear Sister, very inspiring. I also have relatives who are non-muslims, Masha Allah, some have taken the Shahadah and are happy for it. I believe Allah showed them the path. One of them told me that he kept dreaming of himself doing Salat and when it became persistent, he decided to learn more about Islam coupled with the fact that he admired our way of life and calmness. Masha Allah.

    @Spirited. I admire your courage and perseverance. You have to take drastic decision about your life with him. I know you love him from your write-up but I feel he should work hard to have a family with you. Also, continue to pray that Allah strengthen his faith against the manipulations of the non-muslim co. I pray Allah makes it easy for you.

    @Rabiabint. Never sell yourself short cos you are a second, be it 1st,2nd 3rd or 4th, all wives have equal rights. Mutual respect and consideration is what you owe each other as Allah will reward you for keeping the peace.

    @Mari2. I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of pains. Please reconsider your decision cos MIL, co and Hubby are definitely taking you for granted. One finds it hard to cope living in different cities, continents or even planet with co lol and you want to do it under one roof with MIL thrown in? Islam does not encourage co wives under one roof cos they have a heart and blood flows through their veins so consideration should be given to their emotional well-being. Pleaseeee, you need your sanity and happiness above all! Will tell you a personal story on this issue some other day Insha Allah.

    @Gail. You remind me of a friend I had in high School; very upfront and bold! Being a Muslim is wonderful and only through the mercy of Allah SWT. It was wrong for your Hubby and his wife to use you so, its un Islamic and I dont want that to change your perspective about Islam and Muslims. Please also try and encourage your co’s kids to learn about Islam, who knows, it might be a blessing to you!

    @Ina. I find the “boy” situation annoyingly hilarious cos am sure its the co playing pranks and faking innocence! However, play it cool with hubby and use it to your advantage. Some co wives can be dubious and manipulative and if you are not smart, you will be blamed for everyone of their evil mechanization. May Allah save us from such.

    @Javeria. I am second and five yrs older than the first but I give her the respect she deserves cos i believe in reciprocity. I dont give her any reason to disrespect me at all. it helps that we live in different cities I guess. I dont think age is a reason to look down on your co and so find your co’s attitude unfair. I think you should respectfully and calmly tell her how you want her to address issues when they come up.

    Thank you for welcoming me into your fold, love you all. Massalam

  • Halma

    April 16, 2015

    Gail does it not bother you at all that your hub initially married you for immigration?

    Well put Marie..It needs no justifying.. Allah permitted it.. Simple as..
    No disrespect to others opinions but I think other excuses such as when one wife is preg or on mens.. he can go to the other.. What if both are preg or on their periods ? Can a man really not hold off for a week/day ?

  • Marie

    April 16, 2015

    Iv been thinking about what Gail said about accepting polygamy. I thought I share why I accept polygamy. I accept it because Allah decreed it for me, because He said it is allowed which to me means there is good in it for a Muslim striving to be a believer. I would never accept polygamy under any other circumstances. I don’t need to see my husband have sex with another woman to accept it, I don’t need to be the favourite to accept it. I don’t need help during my menses to satisfy my husband. I don’t need help with my children from my husbands other wife. There’s is nothing I need from another human being and nothing they could offer me. I don’t love anything in this world enough to go through the pain that I did. Allah, reciving His mercy and rewards and avoiding His wrath and punishment is the only reason to do anything.

  • javeria

    April 16, 2015

    @ gail
    Your story is something else!I have nothing to really say,just that I guess in a way I understand what happened, but I would never be able to handle it or to go that way,even if it was acceptable islamically.I’d be mental no matter what it showed me! I went into my marriage expecting my co and I to be friends.I met her before I got married,and we became friends in a true sense.It was only after I got married that she went a little off.I think she stuck her head in the sand about alot of things and it all hit her at once n she went to pieces.Ive gone between trying to help her deal and to be her friend regardless to not getting involved at all.now we just get along,we can have a convo and be polite when we are together.as a person I genuinely do like her.its just she goes alil nuts in the co wife department every once in a while.so every so often it gets ugly,we have a blowout and eventually its fine.like this whole nonsense of hers now I think is rooted in something else,so while I will deal with it, I have a feeling tge conflict isnt over yet. You know like when u heading toward a collision n u can see it but there’s nothing you can do?

    @rabiabint I dont want to take it to hubby unless I have to,he sometimes tends to get aggro n shout alot n solve little lol.so I figured I should try n resolve it without him first….ugh i hate drama,so I guess its partly my fault for our issues cos I tend to let things go instead of nipping it in the bud,to keep peace and avoid unnecessary arguments.I only say something when its already built up n driving me crazy

  • Gail

    April 16, 2015

    Rabiabint,
    I agree not all that glitters is gold as they say esp when we r talking about USA and using someone to step on to get what u want.Believe me when I tell my husband and his entire family r off their rockers and I can’t see any difference between then and say an atheist to be frank.Sometimes I think even Atheist have more morals.

  • Gail

    April 16, 2015

    Ina,
    Listen I didn’t elaborate on us all sleeping together but when hubby kicked her out of the room and stop sleeping with her she begged me to get her back in the room.Her and I were more than fine with the sleeping in the same room with hubby make no mistake about that.I was talking to her and working trying to work through her insecurities and I believe had hubby not out right cornered her about her lie after he promised me he would let it go for the sake of the marriage.Arghh everytime I think about that I want to punch him.Also he has told me in the past he planned to get rid of her.I don’t really believe this as his sister was married to excowife brother but who knows.He claims his sister was being forced to come to him and tell him to divorce me.His sister and I r best friends so he figured out real quick excowife family was mentally disturbing his sister but he never filled me in at that time and went head and slept with excowife so I think he was full of Sh!t to be frank!

  • Gail

    April 16, 2015

    Rabiabint and Ina,
    Actually here is the problem.My cowife never voiced her opinion about anything until she started crying to me about not having any money thinking my mother inlaw was controlling all the money because in Pakistani culture in Pakistan and esp before i came in the picture mother inlaw was getting the loot/money but when I came in the picture i told hubby I would not be handing anything over to MIL and he agreed and so he start giving money in my hand.When cowife started crying saying she was tired of living without money(which was not the case at all but she knew hubby was making money here in USA and she wanted her hands on money well thats when all $hit his the fan u can say.I not knowing it was going to be a source of conflict showed her I had all the money on cam and told her don’t worry about money because all the money was in my hand and if she needed anything she was only to tell me.Well little did I know she got pissed off over that and told her mom and her mom come running saying all money and properties needs to go in her daughters name well obviously I said NO WAY! The money was coming from my business and from my property not to mention I am 12 years older than her so I told her flat NO.I am holding the money and thats that.
    In Pakistan almost everything goes right back to money.I offered to buy her the best home in the best area and I mean the very best Area of all Pakistan just keep the kids and let me work one season and I will come back and build the home she told me NO because she was angry.Then she asked me straight if hubby loved her and I told her straight from everything he has confided in me that No he does not love her then I asked her straight if she thought hubby loved me and she said honestly she don’t know but from his actions that she had seen over the years and when they had fight he told her she can leave but he is never leaving me she said yes she thought so.Obviously she start crying and I sat beside her and told her don’t be upset give hubby sometime because the entire situation was mental and everyone needed time to adjust.I also told her if hubby never come around to loving her like she wanted then who cares because the kids and I love her and she is right where she should be.Now in the past on the blog some of the ladies said i was cruel to tell her the truth but I have never seen it that way because she already knew the truth and had I lied she would have thought me a liar and it is very important to me that knowone see me as a liar so I spoke the truth.In the end she told me I was the only one she could trust and she made mistake not to trust me.
    I want u girls to know I am not so Shallow to think Islam is the problem or anything like that or that my husband and excwife are shining examples of Islam.
    Everyone is different and In my case I was raised Christian and always just felt Judaism is the right religion for me.It really had nothing to do with Islam or any religion when it came to our marriage.I believe in G.D and I did what I felt was right.
    I want to be clear my cowife was pissed off when she said she did not like Christians or Jews and my husband jumped on her and said why u against them?Do u know any she said no?THen why u like all the others and say u hate something u know nothing about.HE said I know alot of Jews and Christians in USA and they are good people etc.. he was trying to explain to her that one has to decide for themselves and not listen to Imams.Even it was strange because she later told me her grandmother use to read the bible.I have never been one to really care about religious doctrine to be honest and have always seen it in the context of history more than anything.A guideline for morals and as a way to live basically.
    I don’t know about a husband loving one wife over the other since we r all human and from my experience it might be true i don’t know but what I do know if everyone is being honest and sincere it evens out.
    I also want u ladies to know my excowife was not looking out for her Deen or her Islamic faith just to let u know she only got Angry when she saw I had the money and when I flat told her I had no way to get her to USA unless I divorced hubby and I was not willing to do that.She figured out then that hubby had taken the kids and was fully prepared and going to leave her in pakistan and furthermore he flat told her she had to wait until he retired to be with her.She demanded he divorce me so he could remarry her legally and bring her to USA understand?When I came back to the states I thought about it and told hubby to tell her I will divorce him so we can bring her and hubby himself said NO and we fought on that topic I said I could see her point on this and he said no she is acting up and his sister has become in problem just wait and see if she calls back etc… well she never called back and when she did she was screaming at him what about her and he got angry and said for her to ask her mother she was not his problem and her mother knew best for her.That was the last time they ever spoke and that was 3 yrs ago.It was really never about me as much as it was about them and hubby not going through to bring her to USA.Hubby swears he never told her not even once he would divorce me but instead told her when i found out the truth I would never stay.Either way I have never took up for husband or supported him in his insanity and yes i thought a many times to divorce him.Even I found my first love and he asked me many a times over the past 3 yrs divorce my husband and move to Michigan and marry him.I wanted to so bad but in the end I could not and let him go.I also had another marriage proposal with an Egyptian man who lives in France and has scuba diving businesses all over the world and I thought on his proposal as well but again in the end I feel like need to stay in this marriage.
    I also will say this my husband has some good qualities to obviously like being a hard worker and providing for us and when I am ill which over the last yr has been alot he has stood by my side through my cancer scare and my abnormal menstrual bleeding which causes us to not be able to have sex so much when this occurs.Even I get upset because I am such a sexual person and I can’t give him sex but he is awesome and tells me it is ok don’t stress out.Even I tell him sometimes he needs other wife I am falling apart and he tells me no thanks he is good.I should mention my husband hates polygamy and is sooo against it as much as a man can be against it he is.HE claims Polygamy can’t work that the woman never accept Polygamy but I see it different as most men are not good leaders.He is also right to from what I have seen most woman do not accept polygamy because after all it is a hard pill to swallow I suppose.

  • Rabiabint

    April 16, 2015

    WAS Ina

    That was well said… Mashallah…

    A threesome goes against Islam- and to see a husband hug up on his Kufar wife esp after sex just shows that He’s in love with all that is glittered of this world and would rather be with a Kufar over a Muslim….

    Not for nothing but that kinda makes me like UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
    and they were at that time bad examples of Muslims…

    I do pray his Ex wife return to Allah (SWT0 and made some serious Tawba…
    Gail you may thing it was all good.. but for some muslims committing such act will play on their mind and yes make them go mental… because it goes far beyond- a Shag… its like

    Allah seen this the Angels record this and is they were to die in that act… they’ll have ot answer for it and possibly got to hell.. if anything the lowest part of hell fire…because they knew better… So yes I can see why your ex co left the marriage.. what Muslim wants to on the freight train to hell…

    I would bounce real quick… esp let my husband tell me about a threesome… I would drop kick him in the face (figure of speech) and only a kufar and those whose “false” in the faith will engage in that…

    Those who are weak- wouldn’t do it… or if they do… the GUILT will eat at them…

    Furthermore- Maybe Allah had to show your ex co that her husband isn’t the best for her and was willing to sin just to keep his kufar wife….and she had a choice… either go with the flow- which meant more threesomes or get out and let him swirl in the mess..

    There’s one thing to fantasies about such action but to do it…and be okay with… will play on any Muslims ( trying to be a good Muslim) mind.

    And IDK how they contribute to Polygamy in accordance to Islam… its doesn’t…

    But you know- Polygamy comes in so many different forms… and from Gail’s view is has nothing to do with religion… While for others it does…

  • Ina

    April 16, 2015

    Gail,
    You said by all of you sleeping together, it saved your marriage because you realised your husband is truly in love with you and not interested in excowife at all. After sex, he would turn and cuddle you. Ok, so you would feel sorry for excowife but did you ever consider how she felt and asked whether or not the 3 of you should stop sleeping together. I am not surprised she went mental. Every time she wanted sex with her husband, she was reminded afterwards how much her husband loves you. It must hurt like hell. I don’t understand why after 1 or 2 times, you did not stop having threesomes. We know from the Quran that a husband may/will love one wife more than the other. Wives may know who their husband love more but for the ones who are loved less, they don’t want it to be shoved in their face all time especially after sex.

    You should not relate the behaviours of your husband and excowife to Islam at all. No-one on this blog would say your husband and co-wife are good examples of muslims because they are not. It’s people like them that give Islam a bad reputation to non-muslims.

    Acceptance of polygamy in Islam does not mean having threesomes. It may be what it means for you to be truly accepting of polygamy but you are not muslim. I agree that lots of muslim women do not accept polygamy but there are plenty that do or try to and it’s ok that they feel pain when they think of there husband having sex with their co-wives. I don’t agree that it means they do not accept polygamy. For me, its acceptance if they are keeping the peace within the family and focusing on what she needs to do rather than on what her co-wife and husband may be doing.

  • Rabiabint

    April 16, 2015

    Alaik Gail

    OK Imma be a little Raw

    If I had to go through what your ex-co and all to be with my husband… the GUILT in that alone will eat me up and I would be out… I would wake up and see this marriage with my husband ISN’T worth me loosing my faith… America ain’t want its cracked up to be and I can see my husband had decided to continue the con nor plan on changing His ways so I’m out.

    OK and so say she was upfront… She was using you (along with your husband) to come to the US- they both conned you…

    It wasn’t only her and just because your husband decided to stay with you doesn’t mean JACK when it comes to their faith…

    They were Muslims before they conned you and one decided to Not go along with the marriage that is clearly against Islam.

    Those that pretend to be Holier IN ANY FAITH are the ones with the most Secret and the most croaked…

    So don’t blame or question Islam on the actions a person make themselves… Shaytan/ Devil whispered in his and her ears…. and Bam the con came into play..

    The threesome- shaytan whispered again and the two let their guard down put Islam on the shelf- Your husband fore fill a fantasy n got a green card/ citizenship…Out of the deal…

    She decided to get out and maybe get her deen in order… Good for her…

    Your husband- He’s action is no where close to Islam… and like I said he’s just Muslim by name… Nothing in ALL that he did- be the Con, the threesome and staying married to you… is better or greater than your ex-co wife deciding against being a co-wife to a nonmuslim.

    Just saying….

  • Gail

    April 16, 2015

    Rabiabint,
    If what u say is correct that muslim woman understand it but don’t want to be part of it then What the Crap!Ok fine they understand it and don’t would rather take divorce.As far as my cowife yeah thats fine she did not want to accept well don’t u think she should have said Hell no upfront instead of seeing USA and trying to use me to get herself and hubby and their kids to USA since when is that Islamic or religious?Or do u think it is ok to con a nonmuslims for personal gain?Some muslims do so thats why I am askinf u?because that s the way u r coming across in your post so be clear and if she was so holier than thou then why let me adopt her son and take her daughter if she was so against nonmuslims knowing i would raise them Jewish?Are u following me here?Don’t get me wrong I have forgiven both of them because it was their sin not mineunderstand?

  • Gail

    April 16, 2015

    Laila,
    Sorry about that.

  • Laila

    April 15, 2015

    Gail – your post has blown my mind!

  • Gail

    April 15, 2015

    Hey I also want to say that I think very few cowives go into Polygamy thinking they r going to be best buddies.I think woman wish that to be the case but more times than not because woman see each other as rivals for their husbands affections instead of seeing each other as the same as husband basically this is where things get screwy.U ladies have to admit how many times have u felt like like a jealous silly teenager when complaining to hubby about your cowife although u would swear she is the silly teenager.Until we rise above that mentality and believe me when i say this u may rise above the pettiness faster than your cowife and it sure doesn’t mater about your age or cowife age.U am 20s she may be 50s and she may not can rise above it and be stuck in her pettiness but that in know way means u have to buy into all that nonsense and u can be outspoken with her and tell her Hey woman what are u doing what it your problem we r on the same team here HELLO!! And if u yourself are being petty then I urdge u to take a good hard look at yourself and try to pinpoint your exact problem and be honest and got to hubby and cowife and tell them u r having an issue in a certain area and get the problem solved.Life is just to short to be walking around all the time with the attitude “Talk to the Hand” U american ladies know what I am talking about.lol

  • Rabiabint

    April 15, 2015

    ASA-

    WOW Gail…. OMG…. That’s all I am saying … like WOW!!! Your husband….. OMG and your ex co….. Damn….

    its just unislamic…. all around… and yeah your husband made a choice…. and he will have to answer for that on the day of Judgment for everything.. .. Unless they made tawba…

    They both Conned you…. than to keep the con up- had a threesome….

    everything is based on Intentions- and your husband intentions in marrying you wasn’t pure and neither was his “Muslim” wife.
    and the cherry on top was the threesome…

    @Javeria: Put your foot down and if she acts up again.. take it up to your husband… what Muslim woman just open her door uncovered? that’s her fault.

    I ripped into my husband today… and I don’t feel bad… because I was in the right.

  • anabellah

    April 15, 2015

    Gail,

    I’m sure it’s okay. I have to come back to read it a bit later. I don’t want to rush through it. Thank you for taking the time to write it. I’m sure it gives everyone a better understanding of the relationship that you had with your co. Much oblige! :-)

  • Gail

    April 15, 2015

    Ana,
    I just seen your post after I sent my post check it and see if it is ok.I tried to be very subtle without going into details.

  • Gail

    April 15, 2015

    Javeria,
    What your cowife is doing to u is wrong and u need to talk to her about it ASAP and tell ask her straight if she likes u or not.U have to be straightforward with her because she is obviously taking her anger out on u.Don’t hate her for it u r younger and she thinks she knows best etc.. I am 12 years older than my excowife.
    Listen Ana is correct in she asked me not to comment about my polygamous sex life and out of respect for Ana I have never come right out and spoken about it but I really would like to speak about it and explain to u girls why I felt the need to do what i did.
    The short version is my husband lied to me when we married he told me he was divorced which he ran and divorced his paksitani wife of 3 yrs in a pakistani court.He did not however give her and islamic divorce and I at the time he had one son which was 10 months from her and i had 1 son 8 yrs old from my first husband.I go to paksitan marry him and get pregnant 10 months into our marriage and birth a son.I helped him to immigrate to usa and yes he used me for immigration although i was unaware at the time.around 4 yrs into our marriage his exwife i am thinking comes to my husbands sisters marriage and she says she has had a baby.Well I am sitting there thinking it is a small baby but when she comes back it is a little girl age 3 and she starts telling how the child looks like my husband and her child which sent off alarm bells because I worked womans health.I figured out fast something was not right and start quizzing my husband he denied it I became angry and went to pakistan and confronted her she denied at first but i cornered her and told her straight to tell me or suffer the outcome.She finally told me the child was my husbands but left out the part where she was still islamically his wife and how they were both using me.
    OK so i am thinking she is a single mom living in a village I decide to immigrate the child to usa and raise her thinking i am helping my husbands exwife out so she can remarry and move on with her life.Kids go to dad in paki at age 7 normally soo i thought i was doing the right thing.
    OK well we come back to usa and i file immigration for the child and i start figuring out something is still not right so i ask him if there is something between them still he denied it because well by this time i figure out he is a snake sooo it keeps eating at me and finally I said screw it and told him I want a divorce I am tired of his lying games I will take my son and just go.He said no and finally broke down and told me he was keeping her islamically as his wife all those years.Well i broke down went into a deep depression on the verge of a nervous breakdown and cried for 3 days straight.I finally told him look I have always liked her personally and I might be willing to do this under certain circumstances.My husband said name it anything and I will do it.I said first have u had sex with her while we were married he said NO NEVER she tried but i told her not until u knew the truth.He said thats not a problem she don’t like sex anyway so I will tell her No sex she is fine.Right when he said that something inside of me said no do not agree to that it is not right.I said no if i agree to it u will have to have sex with her BUTTT I know I can’t agree for u both to go off alone and have sex together because of the betrayal.Soooooo here is the deal we all have sex in the same room so I will not be double minded if u two r plotting against me or using me.He cried and said really i don’t have to do it and I said no it has to be this way.He said ok he would ask her.He did ask her and she agreed and said she would try but she was scared.I admitted I was scared also but it was either my way or I had to divorce.Hubby really didn’t want the divorce so he agreed.We had 3 months to mentally prepare ourselves for that time.
    Now the first night we went to Pakistan my husband actually told me to go het her I was the one to go get her and she said no she was scared it was ok I said NO just come on it is ok because I was older.We did not do anything but sleep we were exhausted from the flight.I slept on one side and she slept on other side with hubs in the middle and we just both slept.That night helped us to relax.
    ok so next night we were laying there and keep in mind we had r own home and kids were sleeping across the street at the inlaws home.She was just laying there and hubs asked me if i was sure.I knew in that moment if I had said no he would not have continued with her and I also knew in that moment if I said yes I was saying yes to Polygamy I took a deep breath and said yes I am sure.When I said I yes I was sure only then did he proceed.I always let her go first with him to be nice with her.
    I want to make it clear we were both his wives and we had birthed 3 of his children between us and living joint family I didn’t and still do not see any wrong in the choice we made just to be clear. Now in saying this when I saw them having sex all my jealousy went away because I seen something I was not expecting and that was that he was not sexually into her.I got shocked because here i was thinking he was dying to be with her but that was not the truth at all it was her who was dying to be with him and G>D bless her I understand why she waited for sex for 8 years.I start noticing after sex he would turn away from her and cuddle with me instead of her and u think logically I would be laughing inside that he is more into me but NOOOO I start feeling sorry for her because she saw for the first time that her husband was truly in love with me and I saw for the first time my husband although it started out as immigration over the years he fell in love with me.I seen and she seen I had the upper hand.She became mental and told her parents and they demanded he divorce me but instead he divorced her.I want to say when I seen how inexperienced she was in sex I talked with her told her what hubby likes and honestly we lightened up and started enjoying nightime.I swear we busted a gut laughing and goofing off more than sex and just when we were getting use to each other hubby went and ruined everything and asked her about a secret she told me about his sister and cowife said I lied.I obviously told her it is ok don’t worry just tell truth and she freaked out and said no i am a liar.Well anyone who knows me knows I don’t lie so hubby became more than angry.That night when she came to bed I asked her why she lied and it was ok she did not have to lie.I was trying to help her but she insisted I was the liar and hubby told me he was going to punch her in the mouth I said NOOO don’t u dare and he told her to get up and get out of the room and go sleep with kids.She was so sad and upset and I was furious with hubby for not taking the higher road and trying to talk to her with compassion instead of being angry.She came across to me like a deer caught in the headlights.Hubs was beyond angry and I went to her after hubs slept and I told her I can’t take this I am going to go back to USA and divorce him and she said NOO this is not right get me back into the room.I told her it was not me that kicked her out but she somehow thought I was playing mind games with her I assumed.I told her straight I will try and I did try but hubby refused to take her back and have sex with her after that and flat told me he was getting rid of her after his sisters marriage I was angry and told him it is not good.
    OK so that is my short version.I learned a huge life lesson about loving your cowife even if she is angry or bitter.I made a choice not to be angry or bitter although when i was going through this I was not the best person.My exhusband was dying back in the states and I was under tremendous pressure at that time in my life.Do I think we sinned NO i don’t because I learned something about human nature that I would have never learned otherwise I truly from my heart and soul wanted for my cowife what I wanted for myself and it forever changed me.She did what I asked of her and I will be forever grateful to her because she said yes to having sex in the same room she saved my marriage even though she ended up divorced.It was not in her plan to do that but G.D knows and I know if she is ever willing I am going to help her like she helped me without even knowing it.
    I could have adopted her daughter here in USA but I decided not to because I wanted to keep a way for her to immigrate here in the future open.I thought so many times to cut her way when I was angry but now I know I did the right thing not to keep that way open.
    I want everyone to know my cowife and I r not lesbians or bisexuals or anything like that our attention was always focused on hubby and laughing r A$$es off of course.
    We were not perfect cowives in fact right the opposite most of the time so I don’t want u ladies to think we were best buddies or anything it is a love kick your A$$ kinda I am sorry for kicking your A$$ me tooo kinda relationship which I miss like crazyyy!!!
    So thats what I mean about truly being Kool with your cowife and hubby being together.U only feel crazy because u don’t know whats going down and if u did know chances are 99.9% u would be like me and my excowife and giggle it up!
    I also want to say my cowife and I r the 2 most private people u would ever meet.We r not wild child people at allllll and it was not about sex it was about trust and loyalty and trying to be the 3 amigos and raise r children in a joint family unit.I have said this from the start as Ana can testify I would take her back in a new york minute if hubby would.I have even demanded hubby try to take her back and he said no even if i left him he would not take her back I still have hopes in future G.D will intervene and fix our family problem.

  • Rabiabint

    April 15, 2015

    ASA All

    I have a lot to respond too because theres a lot to read.

    @ Gail- Saying a lot of muslim women don’t understand polygamy… That’s bull Crap…. and I’m being totally honest.. Muslims women understand it… but some don’t want to be apart of it… they believe in it but they feel they can’t handle it… that’s their OWN personal issue with it… I’m just correcting you… There is a difference from understanding it and being apart of it…

    Those that do accept it are on the journey to becoming a Mumin.

    Your exco wife… I agree with her… A men wanted me to be a co-wife to his Christian wife and was like HECK NO… Because she wasn’t accordance to the people of the book… Knowing how weak he was in his faith to marry a non-muslim I already knew the children wouldn’t be raise in Islam but whatever the mother is … and it would cause friction if we had kids.. So NO NO and No again…

  • anabellah

    April 15, 2015

    Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m sooo sad; I didn’t get a chance to email you before you left. I will keep you in my prayers, my dear sister. Insha Allah, have a wonderful time. I will miss you. I can’t wait to hear all the details when you return. Stay safe. Much love!!!

  • Spirited

    April 15, 2015

    Salaam all

    I haven’t had a chance to read up, and I’m at the airport right now. Thought I should bye to the blog ladies while the doing was good. Please keep me in your prayers. :)

    I may get a chance to check in while I’m in pakistan, but if not, I will see you guys when I get back, Insha’Allah. Much love.

  • anabellah

    April 15, 2015

    @Gail,

    Please try not to go into any intricate details about the matter. For instance, no graphics or anything of that nature. Thank you!

  • javeria

    April 15, 2015

    @ ana
    Regarding gail,okaaaaay…she is a tough cookie!I wouldnt be able to do that,im uncomfortable just discussing anything sex related if co is around,its just awkward for me.lol not sure I want to know anymore,just what you’ve shared is making my head spin!

    About co, I also felt like I should say something but I didnt want to overreact.my mind works a little weirdly sometimes in that sometimes things that affect me dont affect others,and things im expected to react to dont phase me.but its good to know im not imagining the issue. Im not always exactly tactful and im hoping she isnt doing it consciously,so I dont want to be rude unless I have tO,you know?

  • anabellah

    April 15, 2015

    javeria,

    About your co humiliating you in the presence of others, you need to put a stop to it. Just because she is older than you gives her no right to disrespect you. She does it because she knows she can get away with it. You don’t confront her about it, which gives her the green light that she can do it, that it’s okay.

    Insha Allah, if she attempts to do it again, stop her dead in her tracks. Tell her if she has something to say to you, say it in private. Tell her straight, don’t talk to me that way. Who do you think you are? Who died and left you boss. You don’t chastise me in front of any one and furthermore, don’t chastise you at all. You are not my mother.

    I don’t know what words you would use. It’s the words that come to mind that I see myself using. Don’t cower down to her. She is not your lord. Start standing up for yourself and she will respect you. Get in her face and she’ll back down. What make you think you must endure such treatment? Bull friggen crap. People do some uncool things to others because they feel they can get away with it. Enough is enough. Bring her down to size.

  • Rahma

    April 15, 2015

    May Allah reward you for shedding some light on the matter and for taking care of your sisters in Islam and others :-)

  • anabellah

    April 15, 2015

    javeria, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It doesn’t matter how long posts are here, so don’t concern yourself about it. Either people read it or they don’t. I tend to read everyone’s post regardless of how lengthy; although sometimes I may miss some, if I become overly busy or overwhelmed with comments to read.

    Javiera, I feel a need to speak up about what you said to Gail. “You stated, “@ gail
    I found your comment about accepting the sex life of your husband and your co to be part of accepting polygamy strange. I know of no woman who is fine with that aspect.in fact in many poly marriages it is one of the bigger sources of animosity and jealousy between wives….i dont know how u do it.id love to know,it would make my life way easy!”

    Gail has not shared all that happened in her life when her marriage was polygamous and it’s NOT Gail’s fault at all. It’s mine. Gail has always been upfront and forthcoming when it comes to her life. She is very outspoken and she is one tough cookie (strong lady), which is a quality I admire in her. Gail used to share with us how she, her husband, and the co conducted their sexual affairs and I asked her not to speak of it again on the blog. I didn’t think it was good for Muslims sisters to hear. In a sense I limited her from speaking the whole truth about her relationship with the co and husband. People don’t quite understand Gail’s position and I think I have NOT been fair to Gail in restricting her from speaking about it.

    Gail had revealed that the only way she allowed her co to have sexual relations with their husband was if she (Gail) was present for it. She stated it is what allowed her to overcome her jealousy about it, and to accept her co. Gail is welcome to elaborate, if she so desire, in all fairness to her.

  • javeria

    April 15, 2015

    @ rahma
    Personally regarding that specific aspect,I was the second so i knew hubs was doing it when I married him n it makes me crazy anyway lol.It does sting a little less over time,but I dont think I will ever be totally ok about it lol.thats just my experience.some people eventually stop caring,it still gets to me,but I guess only when I know for sure its happening at that moment.like if I overhear something….but the general idea of it is bearable now….most of the time lol

  • javeria

    April 15, 2015

    Assalaamualaikum ladies!

    Sorry I kinda disappeared.hectic couple days.I think thats how my posts always end up being essays lol.I just skimmed through the stuff I missed.a few things caught my eye

    @ bibi
    in response to your question,my co and I dont live in the same house per say.we have adjoining houses.but they are small,so that there is maybe less than 10 metres between our bedrooms.and the door between the houses is def not sound proof.so essentially,it may as well be one house.

    @ gail
    I found your comment about accepting the sex life of your husband and your co to be part of accepting polygamy strange. I know of no woman who is fine with that aspect.in fact in many poly marriages it is one of the bigger sources of animosity and jealousy between wives….i dont know how u do it.id love to know,it would make my life way easy!

    I also have a need for some advice. I was going to just open my big mouth and then I thought maybe im overreacting.pregnant lady emotions or whatever..so i figured an objective opinion was needed.so here goes: the age diff between co and I is something like 12 years.so she sometimes has the tendency to try to exert authority on me as she would her kids or her nieces. Recently shes taken to berating me in front of others for a reason unknown to me.all I know is its irritating me.a couple days ago a friend of hubs came to see him and rang the bell on my end.I had someone over so I just told him to go through,knock on the adjoining door and let co know he was there.I didnt think she would answer the door uncovered,but she did.so anyway,instead of speaking to me about it she waited until we were in company and proceeded to lecture me about not letting her no.It annoyed me,im not one to share my issues with everyone but I let it go,maybe I shouldve gone n warned her or whatever.today,she did it again.she was out and her sons teacher called to request a change of shoes,something had happened n his were messed or something.so I sent the shoes,I cudnt get hold of her and I didnt want the kid to be waiting forever.I totally forgot about it and so forgot to tell her what had happened.so she came n asked me n I apologised for forgetting to tell her n I thought it was done.then the next day in company again, she launched a lecture about how im trying to keep info about her kids from her and I have to let her know etc.I was really confused as I thought the matter had been dealt with the day before. But i feel like I need to say something.Im not a child n I dnt like being lectured like one,especially in front of anyone else.but I also dont know what to say without making it a big thing.I dont know if my irritation with her is justified or me being emotional….somebody help!please!

  • Rahma

    April 15, 2015

    O yes Marie thats exactly how I feel. And Gail I think deep down I do agree with you.
    Its not that I dont want to except it, i just dont know HOW.
    Still awaiting hubby’s wedding night with co and to be honest its like a sword hanging above my head.
    How in the world do I get through that night?How in a million years will I be able to behave “normal” when hubby’s with me?
    Even now I look at him with a mix of sadness, anger and disbelief..how could he possibly share his intimacy with someone else?
    I really would like to be more relaxed About it but just dont seem to be able to. How did you ladies cope?do things get easier?

  • Marie

    April 15, 2015

    Gail, thanks for your words, as far as I can remember you have been the most upfront about sex and polygamy. For me personally I don’t get how anyone can share intimacy with more than one person. Male or female, it’s something I don’t get. I accept people do it, and accept that in some circumstances such as polygany it’s allowed. But it’s something I can’t get my head around. Sex is very personal to me. But I understand that for some, especially men it’s a means to an end, it quite animalistic. In Bibi case, she a much stronger woman than I, I don’t want to know or hear anyone having sex let alone my husband. I guess me and Bibi are just more private.

  • anabellah

    April 15, 2015

    @Gail,

    I know you don’t understand what has been said here about who Allah says Muslims should and shouldn’t befriend. You are not Muslim, so I don’t expect you to understand. If you understood, you would most likely be Muslim/Believer. You would believe in a Hell Fire and a whole lot more.

  • Gail

    April 15, 2015

    Marie and Bibi,
    I want to say something very clear about your husbands having sexual relations with both of u wives and don’t take me wrong here but I am saying this so u will stop and think.If u truly believe Allah put u in your polygamous marriage then Do u not think u r doing wrong to not accept your husband having sexual relations with your cowife.I will tell u why u feel hurt and don’t want to know when they r having sexual relations is because u truly have not accepted polygamy in the way it needs to be accepted and it is very obvious to me and the reason is this because u and you cowife do not have a loving relationship because if u HAD your love for her and your husband u would all 3 feel as one unit not him and her and u and him all this separation understand.Obviously if u yourself do not have a relationship with your cowife then it will hurt u to think of them doing sex and not make u happy.Now here is a question for everyone should it make u happy for your husband to have sex with your cowife? I believe without a doubt the answer should be yes and I tell u why.Polygamy is not about the man but about the family and lets face it as woman we are down a week out of every month because of aunt flows visits.SOOO having your cowife there to help u out and vice versa on those days are a great help then u have pregnancy and I am going to be blunt here I hated sex during pregnancy(wanted to vomit when hubs came near me)When my cowife was pregnant I was there for hubs to help her out way back in the day.I can honestly tell u I have told my husband when he was with me to go get cowife and use her for sexual relations because I was on my menstrual.If u can’t in your heart do that and mean it then u know u really are struggling with polygamy.I would say that is a pretty darn good grading system to go by.
    I would never personally accept a polygamy marriage where my cowife has something against me or she herself did not wish the same for me as herself.
    My cowife did not wish the same for me as herself but that does not mean I still do not worry about her and wish her the best.Again these just my views on Polygamy and kinda what I figured out as I was going through it over the years.
    Polygamy is beautiful if done correctly and is a blessing but it is just as equally a curse if u don’t do it correctly in my opinion.

  • Gail

    April 15, 2015

    Ana,
    Let me clear about Gays I don’t have a problems with Gay people at all and I am sorry if u ever thought I did.I should have made myself more clear that time.I had a problem with that Gay man coming on here acting like it was ok and normal like he had some kind of marriage or something with his boyfriend/Partner or whatever that was and them bringing children into that relationship was clearly not normal from what he himself was explaining to us.It was his personality more than his sexual orientation and the way he talked down to me and others when we were trying to give him advice that he clearly didn’t want.Bottom line I could not figure out what he was doing here.
    Two of the bestfriends I ever had were lesbians.Both woman knew from day one where I stood on gays in a religious way but I never stopped being friends with them just because of their sexual orientation.I want to further say neither of the woman ever lead me astray from my religious beliefs if anything seeing them made me stronger because I knew very clearly it was a lifestyle I would never want to live.
    Do i think Gay people should raise kids No not really BUTTT do I think they r worse parents than heterosexual people or molest there kids NOOO of course not in fact they may very well be better parents to their children BUTT I still would say it is not good on average to bring a child into a homosexual home into such an open environment and that was what I was taking issue with the man that came on this blog when his gay lover clearlyyy was bisexual and he could not deal it.
    If u woman believe what u r doing is correct then by all means keep going but I can’t logically see walking away from people just because they don’t believe the same exact way as u do.It is like saying to your friend oh u don’t like pink well I like Pink and since u don’t like pink I can’t hang with u.lol sounds stupid right?Thats how it is coming across to me when u guys talk about Allah/G.D like G.D is that way.Thats just crazy when Allah created the heavens and the earth and everything in it.Then to think that he somehow made all this and he thinks some of it is bad and a believer has to give up this life that Allah himself put u in just to test u(for what purpose)and then to find fault with everyone including other muslim sisters/cowives for not believing the same EXACT way as u seems to me to be a little over the top is all I am saying.U ladies seem to be under some notion that nonbelievers do not understand where u r coming from and I can’t speak for others but I can speak for myself I do see where u r coming from and I think all u ladies are really sweet and sincere in your thinking and devotion but does that make u right in your thought process?I am so confused at this point what u ladies really do as far as good deeds with others and don’t get me wrong here I am just as guilty as most of u when i say I have kept to myself and not mixed up with other people because I wanted to concentrate on myself and my own convictions and beliefs but strangely after being with the blog and really seeing how most of the ladies are really struggling to have any peace or relationship with a cowife that is muslim has really made me stop and think what good is believing in Allah/G.D if u can’t even do something as simple as believe and grow your Polygamous marriage with your own cowife who is muslim the same as u or not.As wives and mothers is it not r duty to live a decent pious life and be an example/light to others?All I am saying is What good is Islam or any religion if u don’t practice what u preach is all I am saying and practicing what u preach starts at home with your cowife husband and children.I will never believe it is ok or the right thing for cowives to shun each other or just give a nice sweet kiss my A$$ smile/salaam when u see each other.U ladies don’t think I get it Oh I get it very well.For the last 12 yrs I have been surrounded with nothing but Muslims and their I’m your wrong attitudes it blows my mind.My excowife would not accept polygamy because she wanted hubby and to come to usa and her kids all to herself it was me the nonmuslim who said ok I am willing to try polygamy.She flat told hubby in front of me that she hated jews and christians saying they r not the same as her and him meaning muslims.Well I kept my comments to myself and told her it was ok to feel however she wanted but inside I knew she was nuts because if she was so great and really believed the crap that was coming out of her mouth then why dare let a nonmuslim raise her kids?I will tell u why because she did like her Muslim husband told her and did not use her own voice to stop him from taking her kids and kicking her to the curb thats why.It was only me the nonmuslim who told her to stand up and find her voice and tell him exactly how she felt.It was me the nonmuslim that told her to keep her kids and she said NO I take them she was going back to her village.It is me the nonmuslim that still worries to this day about her and if she is ok and prays for her.All I am saying is everyone is human and there is good and bad in us all.
    Mari i think it was said that only a muslim woman understands about polygamy and a nonmuslim don’t well i say that is BULL CRAP because Muslim woman as a whole DON”T accept Polygamy in any shape or form either.They pick and choose from Quran what they want to accept and not accept and Polygamy has never been on the accept list for most muslim woman.The ones that do let it slide and just keep silent is not because they accept it but it is more based on culture and being a virgin when u marry and divorce is the worse possible thing that could happen etc…They don’t accept it they live with it which is totally different than accepting it.
    I am sorry if I stepped on any toes or egos in this post thats not my intentions at all but I felt compelled to say what I thought when it comes to picking and choosing things we want to believe in or walk on like not really wanting to befriend another muslim sister cowife simply because u don’t want fitna or whatever the last time i checked life is nothing but one huge learning to get along with others and if u can’t even get along with your own muslim cowife because u don’t want to be bothered well HELLOOOO then u might think maybe someday Allah or G.D might not want to be bothered with you.Just a thought.
    Rabiabint listen girl at some point in the future may G.D not do your friend of 20 yrs maybe the only person that will help u out of a problem or be there for u.That was all I was trying to say in the other post without saying it.
    Again I did not write this post to be nasty I just wanted to clear the air that I do understand the Quran but I don’t understand in being cruel or blowing other people off and saying it is for my Deen when knowone can make u do anything u don’t want to do.

  • Rabiabint

    April 15, 2015

    Asa Ana

    I’m not imposing anything.. on anyone… I’m just “Boring” compared to how I was in the past.

  • Marie

    April 15, 2015

    I think it’s important to define the word ‘friend’ obviously I define it Islamically. My friends are someone who I can confined in, talk honestly to, take advice from. I can’t do any of the above with a non Muslim. Take polygamy for example. If I had a non Muslim friend and they saw me hurt and upset because my husband married another they would tell me to up an leave him. A Muslim friend would advice me based on their knowledge of quran. I only ever found my self disagreeing with my old non Muslim friends, it was always a mini debate.

    Furthermore some need to understand that I love and need Allah more than anything in my life, it’s only because of Allah why I even have a life. So when someone slanders or rejects what Allah say and has ordered I don’t like it. For a non Muslim if someone was to slander their child or mother they would not sit with that person, they wouldn’t be their ‘friend’
    In reference to gails comment, about Rabiabint 20year friendship. Her friend did ‘do’ something, she rejected Allah. It’s that simple. Non Muslims don’t accept islam, so in essence they call us liers and separate us (the friend they had) from being Muslim.

    Some say non Muslims have morals,they actually make these up as they go along and it changes over time. it also important to note that nothing is good or bad in and of itself. Allah has made marriage good and bad depending on who you marry. Murder good and bad depending on circumstances ect. The point is exactly what Ana has said, we follow orders from Allah and believe what he says, weather you see the wisdom in it or not. That’s why some Muslims are called BELIEVERS.

  • anabellah

    April 15, 2015

    @rabiabint, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I would imagine your marriage could come into jeopardy, if you IMPOSE your beliefs on your husband. He may end up not wanting to be around you, if you pressure him about Islam and practicing it. You don’t own him. You are not his boss. He doesn’t have to practice Islam the way you want him to. He doesn’t have to practice it at all. Allah tells us that there is no compulsion in Islam. No one is suppose to force anyone to live Islam.

    It would be best that you do your thing with regard to worship and let him do his. Why does your husband have to go to the masjid to offer Fajr (morning) prayer? Allah doesn’t say a person HAS TO offer his salat (prayers) in the Masjid. Now, if it is something else you follow that says it, I understand. Men can offer the salat at home with his family and lead them in prayer, just as well as offer it in the masjid. Who is leading the family in prayer when the husband is off at the masjid offering prayer? Congregational prayer is more than one person offering prayer. You should be happy and content, if your husband gets up for Fajr prayer in your home. It’s what matters, not that he goes to the masjid for it. Again, Allah places no burden on us more than we have the strength to bear, we place the additional burden on ourselves.

    We don’t have to give up everything in this world in order to serve Allah. We could still live in this world and enjoy the good things. We shouldn’t just live for what’s in this world. We don’t have to give up everything. Allah tells us to get our portion of this world. He says the good in this world is for everyone, but it is especially for the believers and the good is exclusively for the believers in the Hereafter.

    “But seek, with the (wealth) which Allah has bestowed on thee, the Home of the Hereafter, nor forget thy portion in this world: but do thou good, as Allah has been good to thee, and seek not (occasions for) mischief in the land: for Allah loves not those who do mischief.” Quran: Surah 28, ayah 77

    “Say: Who hath forbidden the beautiful (gifts) of Allah, which He hath produced for His servants, and the things, clean and pure, (which He hath provided) for sustenance? Say: They are, in the life of this world, for those who believe, (and) purely for them on the Day of Judgment. Thus do We explain the signs in detail for those who understand.” Quran: Surah 7, ayah 32

    We don’t have to renounce the world and walk about looking and acting like monks.

    About watching TV, listening to music, and such things, those are individual, personal things that people either indulge in or don’t. We don’t discuss those things here on this blog because they are controversial and in no way relate to the topic of polygamy.

  • anabellah

    April 15, 2015

    @Gail,

    The only thing I can tell you is, I don’t make this stuff up. Did you read the ayat (verses) from the Quran that I cited below here on this thread? It’s Allah talking, not me. Those were the words of Allah. He is the ONE who tells a Muslim who is a Believer not to befriend unbelievers. So, you don’t have a problem with me. You have one with Him.

    About Gays, do you remember there was a gay commentator on this blog here who called himself “Someone”? You didn’t like him because he was gay and you and he had a confrontation about it. Now, you are siding with coco about gays? It was on the December discussion thread around December 5th. I was the person who defended him being here on the blog when some wanted him banned.

  • Gail

    April 15, 2015

    rabiabint,
    I don’t know where all your fear is coming from but girl u need to check yourself.U were not meant to live a life of fear

  • Gail

    April 15, 2015

    Ana,
    I told Rabiabint to think on her 20 yr friendship for a reason.I am sure there were times in that 20 yrs her friend was there for her on a personal level.I doubt her friend is such a horrible person if Rabiabint kept her for 20yrs.There is something to be said for loyalty to someone who has been there for u personally for 20yrs.If Rabiabint wants to toss that friendship then it is her business not mine but I find it very strange to just turn on a true friend like that.Thats not Allah leading someone to do such a thing because if it was Allah then I think somewhere before 20yrs a person would have figured out the friend was not good and ended it way before 20 yrs.To wait 20 yrs then do such a thing shows something strange in a person UNLESS that person has done something to warrant a severing of ties in my opinion which Rabiabint really never claims her friend changed and started acting different.
    I don’t see things the same as u as in cutting yourself off from everyone who doesn’t exactly agree with your religious views.Again sounds strange/not normal to me and to say u r doing it for the sake of Allah thats just crap as far as I am concerned because knowone is more special than anyone else.Some maybe more enlightened but sure not more special as G.D made us all.
    Also where is the love and kindness towards humanity.This is the very reason I don’t have interest in Islam is because people try to close themselves off from the world that G.D himself made u a part of.
    I don’t see anything wrong with coco having Gay friends because she is not Gay and I doubt she believes being gay is right but again why throw the baby out with the bathwater.Gay people r some of the nicest people yeah maybe misinformed or whatever there Gayness is not catching like some disease.The same with Rabiabint friend lifestyle or behavior will not rub off on Rabiabint.When a person is strong in their faith then nothing will make them change they will always stand steadfast in their beliefs in my opinion.If they r not strong enough to remain steadfast in their beliefs then they need more life lessons.
    I also am going to say this as I have never said this before but I am going to say it now It is not right if u have a Muslim cowife and u can’t befriend her.It is wrong and there is no two ways about it.It is ok to feel raw emotions and it is ok to struggle with your feelings of jealousy but it is NOT OK to not want to embrace your own religious cowife.U can’t have it both ways toss out the old friends and toss out your own religious cowife and possibly think your head is screwed on right.If she doesn’t embrace u that is a different story entire but for u not to embrace her and I am talking about any muslim woman and her cowife not pointing fingers at anyone just saying what I feel to be a right and wrong.
    I don’t understand what good it is to separate yourself from others thinking they will bring u down because just maybe u can bring them up instead.

  • rabiabint

    April 14, 2015

    Asa sisters

    I have a fear that me turning more to my faith my husband will leave me. I know that sound crazy. But I know muslims today aren’t like those of our past.

    If it’s Allah’s will…so be it. It just make me sad…. having this on me….

    I mention going to make fajr and Isha in the mosque as this is what the Prophet (saw) and companions did. He said Ohhhhh I’m not on that level…

    I was like the mosque is 10 min. Walk…lol but whatever.
    He said I remember you encouraging me to do that.
    Gosh it made me think ” I encouraged him to get a second wife..he hopped on that but making Fajr in the mosques…he can’t do that… Muslims today.

    anywho…he was shock to learn I hardly listen to music as in never…only thing that play on TV are Islimic lectures Quran or stories of the Prophets (saw)

    and how I live a very simple life. He was like oh yeah?

    I shared my feelings with him…

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2015

    sweet dreams Valentine balloons

  • coco

    April 14, 2015

    Thanks to you too… ❤️ xo

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2015

    Later. Insha Allah, have a good night!

  • coco

    April 14, 2015

    Ana
    I’m absolutely chilled out it’s you who seems jumpy and I can’t understand why lol no I don’t think you’re God it’s sarcasm I’m sure you would know or I guess not.It’s true Allah is the all knowing not you Ana so I would trust Allah knows as opposed to you nightie night

  • coco

    April 14, 2015

    Ana
    My initial post that started out with that sentence was about showing kindness to Muslims and non-Muslims am I not allowed to elaborate a topic? I found some things appalling and not kind while reading posts. I don’t see what the big deal is I didn’t point a finger at anyone it was just some thoughts… Nothing more nothing less. Anyways done with fair on my side need to get some sleep. Take care

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2015

    Take a chill pill…

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2015

    @coco,

    If you read the Holy Quran, you would know Allah tells us what is in people’s hearts. What is in their hearts manifest itself. It surfaces for people to see. What doesn’t surface, Allah, who is God, let us know what is there. He does so because we are supposed to investigate and make judgement calls. Maybe you think I’m god. I know who is God – Allah. When people say only Allah knows what is in a person’s heart let’s others know what is in the person’s heart who says it. The person doesn’t know what Allah says in the Holy Quran. It manifest itself for all to see.

  • coco

    April 14, 2015

    Ana
    Lol okay if you remember or rather checked I never said to befriend the gays but rather not bash them there’s a difference and you would also remember my so called favourite colourful gay friends are “Muslim” gays from Pakistan my business partner being closest not non-Muslims and a non-Muslim was getting attacked at the time of the bashing where I spoke up. Again judgements of what I know and what I don’t know I guess you may think you’re God now. Only Allah knows what’s in all our hearts and what we believe in. Period!
    Assalaamualeikum

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2015

    @coco,

    I thought you understood the discussion was about befriending and not befriending Muslims, after all, you began by saying:

    “The conversation is rather enthralling at the moment there’s all this talk going on about being friends with Muslims as opposed to non-Muslims so just wanted to add a few thoughts my comments aren’t directed towards anyone just shedding light from my perspective…”

    Knowing the conversation is about friendship, why did you switch it up and try to make it about being “kind” and “just” to people?

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2015

    @coco,

    You’re making absolutely no sense. Since the onset of this blog I have always said what Allah says – we are to be kind and just to EVERYONE unless they fight us for our faith. I have repeated that Allah says to be just is next to piety. Allah tells us to be Just. No one has told anyone here to not be just and kind to Everyone whether Muslim or not. Allah tells us who to befriend – the ayat are all cited here. You caught a case of the a$$ because you got called out. It’s what your problem is right about now. You caught a case of the @$$ before to when people were talking about befriending gays because you said some of your favorite best friends were colorful people – gays. Don’t come twisting things around because you got caught out there and the truth hurts.

    Apparently you don’t know that Muslims believe in the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and the Holy Quran that was revealed to him. They believe in a Heaven and a Hell Fire, which you just skipped over, which makes the difference between your non-Muslim friends and the Muslims you know.

    You dismissed all the ayat cited here about who Allah tells us to befriend and not to befriend and you know why? BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT TO YOUR LIKING. They go against what YOU DESIRE… If the shoe fits, wear it.

  • Bibi

    April 14, 2015

    I was thinking the same about Marie’s husband. I know he’s over the moon excited to be having two wives pregnant. Being a typical man telling Marie what he thinks she wants to hear. Marie i know what you mean about the thought of your husband having sex with his other wife. it’s awful. At least you don’t know when every single time. Imagine knowing when your co is getting it on and your co knowing when you do. It’s a crazy life but we are all exactly where ALLAH placed us. Nothing to do but persevere and remain patient and focus all your attention on ALLAH. He will never hurt you or disappoint you.

  • coco

    April 14, 2015

    Ana

    I think you’re reading wayyyyyyyyy too much into my words lol No I never claimed I know more than Allah, nor do I think I’m equal to Allah, or believe I makes things happen, I don’t think I have power. I don’t equate myself with Allah or think I’m a mini god have I claimed it in any of my words? Nauzubillah. This is the type of judgement I’m talking about you know Ana you’re answerable for all this ludicrous statements you make to someone without knowledge eh? Yes Allah says to judge I never denied it but if any of us actually self judge ourselves FIRST many wouldn’t be in a position to judge others then. I know I’m not perfect are you sister? I’ve clearly said my closest friends are Muslims yes I deal with non-Muslims when it comes business they hardly fall into the category of acquaintances. I was generalising how there isn’t much of a difference these days with Muslims and non-Muslims living in the west. A dishonourable Muslim is one that is unhealthy or toxic for me to be around, who can have a negative influence on me, we are also told to keep company of ones with good character. Muslims read the Quran but all don’t interpret identically. The Quran instructs Muslims to treat non-Muslims courteously with kindness and generosity given they are not hostile towards Muslims. God says:

    “God does not forbid you from those who do not fight you because of religion and do not expel you from your homes – from dealing kindly and justly with them. Indeed, God loves those who act justly. God only forbids you from those who fight you because of religion and expel you from your homes and aid in your expulsion – (forbids) that you make allies of them. And whoever makes allies of them, then it is those who are the wrongdoers.” (Al-Mumtahanah 60:8-9)

    Receiving good treatment is the right of a non-Muslim (human) under Islam not just a matter of courtesy in my opinion, maybe not in your version of Islam but surely in mine. A non-Muslim has never fought me because of my religion, expelled me from my home or aided in my expulsion we all mostly live or are from America a non-Muslim country I’ve come across many clearly but never faced these issues. Alhumdulilah! Islam is not so hateful and rigid or there wouldn’t be so many converts till date but again I might be reading something other than the Quran as apparently I have never read it… Smh

    Peace be on you Ana it was great stopping by again

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2015

    @Marie,

    You said something profound when you stated, “Do I love them? My answer is ‘love’ doesn’t mean to me what used to mean.” I feel the same as you, but couldn’t articulate it. It’s not that I hate my non-Muslim biological family. I don’t hate them. There is love in my heart for them, but it’s a type of love I can’t describe. It’s definitely not a typical love or the love I felt for them before. It changed. It’s an indescribable love. If it was an ordinary love, I’d doubt I’d be Muslim. I would be with them.

    Marie, my biological family are very sociable people. They drink alcohol, engage in vain talk and some gamble. I don’t take exception to what they do. I don’t care what they do. I simply can’t go to their houses and sit there with them while they do it. I can’t say I haven’t been there on occasion when they were socializing, drinking and chatting away about useless nothing, talking about people and reminiscing about the past. I have been there now and again for a hot minute after an affair we had attended, for instance, but it’s very, very rare. I’ve always felt guilty and way uncomfortable.

    It’s amazing that something happened that prevents me from going to my evil younger sister’s house where my family usually congregate and I thank Allah for it. Some think that when we say we have to disassociate ourselves from our unbelieving Muslim relatives it means disowning them and never speak to them again. I don’t see it that we. We can still be cordial, polite, kind and just towards them and acknowledge they are biological family, we must however put it all in perspective. I can’t afford to be chummy with them because I will become like them. I have seen myself lean a bit that way in the past and I know I can’t mix up with them that way. You probably know what I mean, Marie.

  • Marie

    April 14, 2015

    I expect non Muslim to be offended by what believing Muslim say. Why wouldn’t they, no one wants to hear that you wouldn’t be their friend, take advice from them or live them. But it’s not one sided, I also take offence when people mock allah, islam, the prophets. I don’t like it and don’t want to sit with them and vice versa. But I don’t have to be political correct. I dont change my opinion and beliefs on what the masses follow.

    Something that bugs me is, if I say to a non Muslim, if you die in a state of disbelief you go to hell. They screw up their face and call me evil, their upset about it. Why? They don’t believe what I believe so it shouldn’t bother them. If a christian tells me if I don’t believe that jesus is the saviour I go to hell, will I be offended, NO, why? Because I don’t believe what they are saying is the truth. And if non Muslims believe that they no the truth then they shouldn’t be offended either.

  • Marie

    April 14, 2015

    About non Muslim family. Two members of my family are Muslim. Most of my family drink alcohol, gamble, engage in vain talk ect. I never attend family gatherings because alcohol is always involved and I won’t allow them to mock my religion, they see it as light hearted fun and I shouldn’t be so serious. Well I take my way of life seriously. If I do spend time with them it’s usually for a meal at a restaurant, which I organise to be halal food an to fit around prayer times. I don’t allow my children to stay over at my sisters home because although she would be kind to my children and take care of them I won’t allow them to be influenced by her. If my family visit me at my home, there are rules they have to abide by.
    Over the years they understand that I am no longer ‘like’ them. We are poles apart in lifestyle.i don’t ask them for advice but they often ask me. My father asks me if it’s OK to buy my children certain gifts, what sweets their allowed ect.. (He has a special sweet tin filled with halal sweets) at their celebration times like Christmas, easter ect they will give the kids gifts early and have now stopped phoning me to say happy Christmas, they know they won’t get a greeting from me at those times, and I won’t be coming to Christmas dinner. They didn’t like it at first and felt sorry for me as if I was missing out. I found if I’m just honest with them and under no circumstances compromise they leave me to live my life and I leave them to live theirs. Do I love them? My answer is ‘love’ doesn’t mean to me what used to mean.

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2015

    @rabiabint, As Salaamu Alaikum

    You are absolutely correct; the first generation of Muslims left their non-Muslim friends and their non-Muslim biological families because they followed the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), and what was revealed to him – the Holy Quran. They didn’t keep their families because the families were biological. It makes no sense for a Muslim to believe he or she could befriend their relatives just because the people are biological, yet rejects the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and the message he left us – the Holy Quran.

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2015

    @coco, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Well, you graced us with your presence finally. Alhumdulliah! It’s nice to read you after your long absence.

    coco, in reading your post, I don’t know where to begin to respond. You said don’t judge others, judge oneself. Well, Allah says judge, which includes others, not just ourselves. I just can’t get with a person who contradicts Allah. Do you know better than Allah?

    I find “Muslims” who have many non-Muslim friends who aren’t ashamed to admit it find reasons to keep those friends, and want to see no difference in them when Allah says there is a difference. As I will say again, as I’ve often said, it not about drinking and smoking and eating, it’s far more than it. It’s about believing what Allah says. Believing what Allah says goes FAR beyond those of things. It’s about believing Allah when He tells Muslims not to befriend non-Muslims because those very people don’t worship Him. They don’t believe in His Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). They don’t believe in any of the things that Allah tells us to believe in such as the Hereafter that consists of Heaven and of the Hell Fire. The people who don’t believe in what Allah tells us to believe in reject Allah. They reject faith. You like people who reject faith – who reject Allah? You think they are okay?

    I really don’t care how the information on this blog comes across to non-Muslims. I’m not here to cater to non-Muslim. I’m not here to fear non-Muslims. I’m not here to get non-Muslims to like me or the blog. If they like me and the blog, something is wrong with me, as Allah says they will never be satisfied with me unless I follow their way.

    I’m not here to make non-Muslims feel good about what they read here. It’s not what this blog is about. This blog is NOT about trying to get anyone to accept Islam. I know and believe what Allah says and that is to leave people be. He decides who will be Muslim and who won’t. He didn’t tell us to put on a show for non-Muslims in an effort to get them to accept Islam. It’s already been determined who will be Muslim and who won’t.

    As long as a “Muslim” believe she or he has all these “choices” the Muslim will never be a Believer because said person thinks he or she is equal to Allah. He or she thinks and believes he or she makes things happen. He or she believes he or she has power. I’ll use “she” to make it easier. She equates herself with Allah and, in essence, in her mind, she is a mini god.

    Allah says those who befriend non-Muslims are not Muslims, which explains why some who call themselves Muslims go against Muslim in defense of non-Muslims. They see no difference because in actuality, there is no difference. They are equally unbelievers exactly as Allah says. I believe what Allah says.

    Coco, what is a dishonorable Muslim? Muslims are human beings not ANGELS that are perfect and carry out their duties as prescribed by Allah without deviation, which Angels do. Muslims sin. The difference is that Muslims, unlike non-Muslims, believe the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was a Prophet, was the last Prophet who Allah sent and he received the last revelation – the Holy Quran. So you’d rather befriend a non-Muslim who believes none of that, who rejects the basics? Where is any honor for a non-Muslim in that? Allah says all honor is with Him, His Messengers and the community of the Believers. He didn’t say any honor is with a non-Muslims. You apparently have not read the Quran in which Allah specifically describes the Muslims, Believers and the non-Muslims. You say they are moral???? Allah says they are not. I’ll stop here.

  • Marie

    April 14, 2015

    Assalaamu alaykum all

    Ana, I had already guessed that other was either pregnant or someone died. Hubz was walking round with a face like a slapped ar$e. When he returned for my first night I came an said, just tell me what’s going on. So yeah he said “she’s pregnant” I did feel a way, but not about her having a child, it was to do with the reminder that they have sex, yes I know it’s obvious but I try to block that out. I’m sure most of the ladies here do. It doesn’t hurt anymore that they get it on but the thought makes me want to vomit.

    Your right Ana, why wouldn’t a man be happy that both his wives are pregnant. And under normal polygamy circumstances it would be clear that he (husband) is trying to play it down, however I know the reason he’s not happy and it has nothing to do with upsetting me. My husband is not scared of me or my reactions, he knows his rights and knows he’s done nothing wrong. After the initial sick feeling I got, I was fine. It’s not like they don’t already have children. Furthermore a lot a women see pregnancy as this special bonding between man and wife. I see it as 9 months of vomiting, getting fat and eating strange things. And to top it all off with lying in a pool of blood and amniotic fluid. It’s really not a good look lol. And after that the husband is all but forgotten about while the mother doted over her newborn. Babies in my polygamy marriage is a regular.

  • Rabiabint

    April 14, 2015

    Asa Coco

    thank you for the warm welcome… When speaking about Muslims good and bad and non muslim the Prophet (SAW) said it is better for a Muslims to befriend a bad muslim than a non-muslim.
    Mashallah… All what we talk about has already been spoken in the time of the Prophet (SAW) and after him.

    I look at the life of the Prophet and the Sahabahs.. If they were able to live their family and friends behind for Allah (SWT)- To put 20 years on a shelf is nothing.

    20 years I’ve known her and I will say once or twice she asked about the Quran but never cared to learn it. But if there was something unislamic I wanted to do…. she was there…

    Also we have to learn what is or isn’t a muslim- a Muslim by name or by culture but doesn’t practice isn’t a muslim. They are fooling only themselves.

    I used to say a non-Muslim is better than muslim in some ways but after reading the saying of the Prophet (SAW) and the Quran how can I go against it.

    @Gail

    I can see where you are coming from but again I have to make the choices- 20 years of friendship – BFF or Changing to better my deen? Allah rules over all….

  • coco

    April 14, 2015

    Assalaamualeikum & a massive HELLO to all the lovely sisters!
    Oh wow it seems like for-EVERRRRRRR since I last posted so here goes it’s gonna be a long one! A quick welcome to Rahma and javeria and anyone else I may have missed! ☺️

    Anaaaaaaaaaaaa
    How are you love? I keep reading you whenever I get the chance I can never get enough of your unintentional humour lol and shukran for your deep insight and sharing quotes from the Quran may Allah always keep you blessed! Ana my dad had bought a few ice cream franchises many years back and I KID YOU NOT I ate ice cream absolutely everyday!! Imagine you have the keys available to go anytime you want and everything is free so mix all the flavors all the toppings and however much you want I was a hot mess no joke! I would freeze these mini ice cream cakes with birthday cake mix flavored ice cream mixed in with chocolate chip cookie dough, mini chocolate chips, (and yes the size does make a difference) crushed waffles, chocolate crunchies and a big dollop of chocolate fudge. Thankfully my dad sold the store a few years later cuz if he hadn’t I’d still be eating ice cream today everyday and end up looking like the white marshmallowish ghost in ghostbusters! lol anyways miss you sister and pray you are in a state of peace xo

    Bibiiiiiiiiiiiii
    How are you and your little munchkins doing my precious? I always love reading your posts your style of writing and wording is just like a dear friend of mine I lost contact with after she got married which happens a lot but she was vivacious like yourself. Ohmagaaaaaaa have you started seeing the reunion of RHOBH its crayyyyy crayyyyyy loving it last part of reunion should be uploaded by tomorrow morning hehehe FYI Krispie Kreme is opening up in Pakistan soon… slurppppp! kekeke xo

    Laila
    Hey there love! I didn’t get a chance to reply back to your post a while back but it was endearing to read and meant a lot. You asked me how things are on my end well things are quite steady Alhumdulillah Just probably growing a few grey hair from the business front inshAllah the obstacles will melt away soon. Hope things are good on your side you seem to be dwelling in a good place mashAllah stay there… xo

    Gail
    It’s always a delight to read your candid posts I know I’ve said it many times before but just had to again. Good luck with your appointment and love to your lil naughty pumpkins hehehe xo

    Mari2
    Oh gosh there is so much I want to say to you when I read your posts between the days but I’ve been quite the procrastinator lately so here I am lost for words now lol I sorta understand your point of view in your situation on co having to get a job and contribute when she comes here, since you are pulling more than your shared weight in the finances NOW your husband wasn’t in the position to take on another wife, it’s not fair to you but since he has and you’ve been quite open hearted and understanding towards him he’s slowly pushing the limits with you I don’t think you’re putting this condition to compete with, level or put down your co it’s really not about you and her it’s more about you and your husband’s stance along with responsibility in this set up… I don’t think it was ever discussed with you prior to getting married to her that you all would live together under one roof that’s a lot to ask for. I was under the impression she would live there and get an education. If he’s changing things or rather his mother is continuing to call the shots for co to come to the states fine but it’s more than you bargained for. If you have to contribute most of the expenses than should he be bringing in a co wife he can’t really afford it now can he? Fine if he has a right to enter into a polygamous marriage he is also responsible to provide for both wives equally and provide SEPARATE households for both wives no? If it was just co coming then it would be manageable and possibly successful under one roof but with the mother-in-law mixed in that’s a huge recipe for disaster babe! You aren’t a selfish person you are helping your husband with the finances you are fine with him and I think sharing in sending expenses to Pakistan but HE is responsible for HER not YOU whatever you chose to chip in with is sadqa/charity on the family not your responsibility. Everyone has a limit and you seem to be at the tip of yours right now. There’s so much he can ask from you at this point… I have you in my prayers stay strong and patient xo

    Rabiabint
    I’m not sure if I’ve welcomed you can’t remember but incase not then a late welcome to you now! hehehe It’s nice to see a fresh perspective here I find you to be a very compelling kind individual I wish you the best in regards to your situation may Allah ease the situation for you all inshAllah xo

    Ina
    Wowwwww your crazy co didn’t bury the whole lover boy drama yet. Gosh I wanna know how she gets the time to juggle this bulls@it in her life!!? I think she needs a job pronto her craziness is OUT *snap* OF *snap* CONTROL “snap” lol may Allah keep you patient sister! xo

    The conversation is rather enthralling at the moment there’s all this talk going on about being friends with Muslims as opposed to non-Muslims so just wanted to add a few thoughts my comments aren’t directed towards anyone just shedding light from my perspective… I don’t see how our dressing or keeping a Islamic demeanour at I distance can influence non Muslims to being enticed by Islam as a religion doesn’t interaction and having stimulating conversations count for something? Only once a person gets on a personal level can one really get a positive vibe of us Muslims. When it comes to co-wives I don’t think we should assess them but rather the Muslim husbands who married the non-Muslims in the first place. It says way more about the character of the Muslim as opposed to the non-Muslim because a Muslim is forbidden from having sex out of wedlock not non-Muslims, these days it’s completely normal and acceptable amongst the non-Muslims to sleep with someone before marriage even in the first date or to have a child out of wedlock, don’t many marry after having children these days? My father was 17 when he left Pakistan to study in London now he made lifetime friends from Pakistan who were studying with him, these friendships still stand strong today but even though they were “Muslim” they drank, smoked up and slept around in the mid 70’s wow yeah! Now from like of a group of 20 friends 2 men married Muslim girls from back home the rest just married a poor clueless white girl for papers or cuz she became preggers. They all moved together upon graduating to America this group just followed each other around lol Now my dad and another uncle were the only ones to marry their cousin. My mom’s immigration completed and she came to America a few months later now keep in mind she had NO relatives or any Muslims she knew except for the other friend who married a Pakistani as well but here’s the kicker that the fellow Pakistani Muslim fit right in with the drinking and wearing bikinis it was her choice she has to answer to Allah not us. But my mother was highly against drinking she was the only one who prayed, fasted and read Quran out of all the woman in the family friends available there was a British woman and she was a Christian she wouldn’t drink, she dressed modestly, she was a sophisticated white woman and my mom and her were closer than blood compared to the others. Gail actually reminds me a lot of her personality wise she was witty, kind, compassionate and a natural problem solver. She helped my mother deal with my father’s alcoholism and mental abuse. Yes being Muslim is important it makes us who we are but so is surrounding yourself with like minded kind healthy people. She had converted when she got married but her husband including my father and all the other men didn’t fast, pray or read Quran. Pakistan is ruled by culture as opposed to religion. My mother taught her how to pray she would fast with my mother on weekend sleepovers read some Quran in English, she would take the kids to Sunday school along with us for taleem learn prayers and learning to read the Quran but there’s so much she can do in developing her faith and her children if her husband doesn’t give a damn the husband really didn’t want all that he became a Muslim “white” man. I would choose this auntie over 100 “Muslims” you come across “these days” she had the adaab and heart of what I consider a Muslim. I don’t know if it’s like that in Gail’s case I hope she can shed some light in that retrospect but had her husband been a practicing Muslim and followed the ways of a proper Muslim she might have been inclined to dwell in Islam as well. But how can she adapt a religion that her own husband doesn’t bother with or respect. I’d rather be friends with a good human being than a pathetic excuse for a Muslim. Before anyone bites me my closest friends are striving Muslims lol we are told to judge in the Quran yes but aren’t we also told to be humble to self assess, self-analyse and self-evaluate ourselves as Muslims as human beings? I’m sorry I think to be a Muslim one has to be a kind respectful being and honestly I don’t come across much of those types of Muslims anymore. Praying, fasting, and charity is something we do for ourselves not for anyone while displaying an example as Muslims is a duty of everyone and I don’t think that passing by at a distance one can draw in the beauty of Islam. A great example would be my maternal uncle who lives in Scotland, he recently underwent heart bypass surgery he had a complicated case so was in the hospital for a good few weeks. When his wife would bring him halal food from home he’d say bring enough for the other patients at my ward so she’d bring this huge caldron sized pot of various soups and yummy dishes such as chicken tikka, rice pilaf or good old club sandwiches lol everyday she would go nuts in the kitchen and he said we need to show these people who Muslims really are, any visitors who would bring fruit or chocolate baskets he would order his wife or children to distribute to the other patients, people in the waiting room and nursing staff as well… One time a kid saw him when he was routine walking in the hall and said mommy look look Santa Claus lmao *he’s really fair skinned, has a pot belly and has a silver white long beard* the kindness and love just beams off of him. When he was discharged everyone came to say goodbye while he made new friends with many people nurses and doctors would come home to check on him free house calls does that even happen *free* they couldn’t leave the house without eating a meal or hi-tea with the excuse of just stay for a cup of tea. The point here is that he didn’t have to preach Islam, recite the Quran, or show superiority to get people to warm up to him or get to a proximity of wanting to know more he just showed kindness as simple as that. FYI many he met there showed up at the mosque he voluntarily teaches Quran out of curiosity some even took shahadah. The “holier-than-thou” attitude won’t get anyone interested in knowing more it’s actually obnoxious. I like to think personally work on oneself, self critique ourselves and leave the judgement of others to Allah as self judgement is more imperative. From a non-Muslims point of view I find many things said a bit offensive a non-Muslim reading out there in cyber space might never feel compelled to reach out for help or advice as they don’t seem righteous or Muslim enough. We didn’t do anything to earn being a Muslim Allah had mercy on us. If I had to choose between a dishonourable Muslim or a non-Muslim with good moral I’d pick the latter. About prayer especially at the mosque it used to be very difficult to hold my prayer without laughing over the most ridiculous stupid things somehow everything was funny in pin drop silence during joint prayer especially my row of friends would start laughing in a line during taraweeh when someone’s long shirt or dress got stuck in the middle of their butt that was just the funniest thing when your in your teens in prayer lol I used to turn tomato red trying to suppress my laughter! smh

    Regarding women perceptions on the topic of polygany there’s this online short story called “His Other Wife” that’s continued weekly I’ve read that and waiting for following chapters to be updated it’s a great story from a Muslims perspective I’m posting the webpage if I’m not supposed to then Ana please let me know and I’ll take it out of my post. A paragraph from the short story caught my attention… “I just find it interesting that it’s only polygamy that brings out our desire for human perfection,” Reem said. “But why not advocate for childless marriages since you’ll never be the perfect parent? Why not advocate for the lowest possible salary since you might overspend? Why not live in a small, furniture-less house and never buy brand names since they’re beyond your needs? We know we’re going to be asked about all of this on the Day of Judgment, but it doesn’t make us run the other way. “All I’m saying is, be honest with yourself. If men need to leave polygamy alone because they can’t be completely just, then we need to leave alone having children and nice things since we can’t be completely just either.”

    Anyways much love to all the sisters here a big sorry for this never ending post especially to the ones reading from their phones hehehehe May Allah have mercy on us, bless us and alleviate all the pain and obstacles in our hearts and life inshAllah ❤️

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2015

    or not only do they rely on other material other than Quran, but they follow their desires and/or lust. People want to do what they want without restrictions. They try to find information to support their position, regardless of where it comes from. They don’t necessarily seek out the truth (based on the Holy Quran – the only Truth).

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2015

    There aren’t only non-Muslims who lead Muslims from the path of Allah. There are Muslims who don’t know what Allah says in the Quran who lead people astray, as well. When I first became Muslim and had learned I must put a distance between my non-Muslim family and me, along comes this Muslim brother who I became intended to for a hot minute (he’s been living and is living now in Saudi Arabia for years) telling me that I don’t have to distance myself from my non-Muslim family. It was music to my ears. I learned some other unsavory things about him to. I was on my way from the truth to heading to his version of truth, which was untruth. It’s so important for Muslims to read the Quran and learn Islam. They mustn’t rely on scholars, sheiks, or Imams to tell them what Islam is. I try to come from Islam (Quran) as much as I can when relating information on this blog and I encourage others to read it for themselves. As I’ve stated I’ve haven’t come across any interpretation problems with Quan, only people mixing other material with it that presents the problem. Allah made the Quran easy to understand and remember for Believers.

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to All the wonderful Ladies and Gents out there :-)

    This will be a quick post, as I must run out and do some things. I just wanted to point out some things I’ve observed from yesterday’s posts. They are just my observations and I’m not pointing it out to say “bad” person or anything like it. I think we all can learn a lot from each others experiences that we share.

    For instance, I’ve seen the like of what happened in the case involving Laila. Someone pointed out to Laila’s husband that she had gained some weight. Laila said her co is of another nationality that tend to be thinner. Laila’s husband was quite content with Laila, and probably didn’t notice much or cared about her weight until some busy body came along wanting Laila’s husband to see something off about Laila. The person wanted to turn the husband off about Laila, and have him see something negative in her. It’s one reason we have to be careful with who we communicate with and be on guard in dealing with some people. The person who approached laila’s husband with the information was acting on behalf of Satan to cause a problem in Laila and her husband’s marriage. The person didn’t want Laila’s husband to see the good in her.

    We spoke about rivalry when it comes to children and wealth. We spoke about how Marie’s co became pregnant after Marie became pregnant when the co said when she married the husband, she wanted no more children. We need to look at it from another angle as well. Should Marie believe her husband that he is not happy about the co’s pregnancy, and is upset with it? We know many men tell women what they think they want to hear. Could it be that her husband knew Marie would feel some kind of way (not good) about hearing of the co’s pregnancy, and he wanted to offset it, thus acted not to be happy about it? Anyhow, why shouldn’t the husband be happy that his other wife is pregnant the same as he is happy about Marie being pregnant? He has had long term relationship with both women and have children already with both of them. Why wouldn’t a man be happy both his wives are pregnant? I don’t know…

    In the case with rabiabint, we had just been talking about how we must limit our dealings with non-Muslims and NOT BEFRIEND them, as Allah instructs us not to. Believer don’t want to defy Allah. Some women say they don’t care. They’re going to continue to love those who reject Allah, in hope that those who reject faith today will one day accept faith in the future. Well, rabiabint did what Allah says. She took measures to disassociate herself from a 20 year friendship with a non-Muslim. Here comes Gail, acting as an agent of Satan (probably not knowingly) who tells rabiabint to keep her (precious) friendship with the non-Muslim person, and not throw it away. It’s valuable and something she should keep. I had to laugh when I read it. What happened here is a prime example of why the two can’t mix. Gail, by her words was speaking to rabiabint in a way that could lead her from the path of Allah. She was telling her to not listen to Allah and keep her friendship with the non-Muslim friend. Had rabiabint not been a strong person who is adamant about serving Allah, she could have reconsidered the friendship with the non-Muslim, based on what Gail said.

    It’s all very heavy. I wrote this quickly, as I must run.

  • Spirited

    April 14, 2015

    Salaam ladies!

    I hope you’re all well and the week is going nicely for all the blog sisters.

    @Ana, that must have been quite difficult to distance yourself like you did. You ladies are very strong . Also, I thought your dream of ice cream without consequences is so cute! I hope to share some in Heaven one time, Insha’Allah, with all the sisters.

    @Marie, your update made me chuckle a bit. That’s the only way men listen sometimes. Mine included lol. You’re keeping a good attitude about it all :D

    @Gail, good luck with the doc appointment, here’s hoping it’s nothing serious. I made an appointment for when I get back from my trip, there wasn’t anything available with my specialist before, unfortunately. I’ll let you know what he says about PCOS being progressive or not. Thanks for sharing your experiences

    Hmm. Oh my husband’s 2nd wife is Turkish. From the pictures he showed me, we’re pretty much the same complexion except I have freckles. Skin color is similar. I think it’s like Laila said about the child worries, with a bit of “western non-Muslims are superior” mentality. If it was just skin-based, that wouldn’t make much sense because there’s plenty of white-skinned non-western Muslim people right there — Pathans, the people from Afghanistan, Kashmiris and so on, but Pakistanis don’t fall over themselves to please them. Well, that’s what I’ve seen in any case.

    And oh my goodness, ouch. 2wisdom teeth pulled is bad enough but bone removed from your jaw? Wow, Im at a loss for words. I hope you don’t have to deal with too much pain.

    @Rahma, I think you’ve got good answers already. I agree that it’s not necessary to have a friendship — or to force one. If being cordial is all that can be managed, then that’s the way it is :)

    @Laila, you know, I’ve noticed that you’ve really matured in your viewpoints and your patience. You’re not letting the other wife get under your skin and just shrugging off anything thats not important. I hope I’ve grown as much as you, but I think I’m not quite there yet. I’m trying to stay out of the blame game that my parents keep wanting to go back to, and I’m not being clingy and whiny with the husband. I think that’s for the best. What you said is exactly what I’ve been assuming. Yesterday he was even saying that our bed is the only place he gets some actual rest (I’m thinking that may have to do with the massages I love giving him but still, lol). He mentioned that there’s no end to the nagging he gets there & the child doesn’t let him sleep either. I began to think he might be putting off having a child because he doesn’t want to lose all the attention & peace he gets with me. It was just a thought I had last night, but I didn’t say anything to him about it.

    I would loooove to just go ahead and trick him into getting me pregnant like his 2nd wife did, but the PCOS makes it so I have to take certain medication at certain times in the cycle, then have sex during a specific time period for the best chances. He’d be suspicious right away, lol. Plus, the other issue is his libido has gone way down. I’ve even thought I should get some Viagra and slip it into his food . Joking, joking, that could be dangerous. I said that to him a while ago and he was laughing with me at first, then suddenly he went “you…wouldn’t really do that, right?” Lol, I had to assure him I wouldn’t, and he said yeah he knows I’m not like that. Well, I’ll see how it goes with having a family, I’ve got a trip and wedding ahead of me to think about for now.

    Oh and he’s worried about her finding out with whatever she’s doing to get info on us. She might have hired a private investigator, or paid one of those online snooping/information websites, I don’t know. But that’s what he’s worried about, he learned the hard way some time ago that it’s no good to share what happens in our home with her & I’ve told him I don’t care to know about her because of her rudeness when I extended a hand in friendship a year and half ago. Oh well!

    @Bibi, totally! I’ve told him before that it’s not a big deal if he can’t be around all the time. There’s family all around me, we wouldn’t have any issues, plus it’s a home where namaaz (prayer) is done all 5 times in Jamaat, Quran is read, recitations, grandparents on hand for babysitting & playing, uncles and aunts all around too, etc. He just needs to get a hold of himself. Please pray for us in your daily duas :)

    Alrighty, I need to head out, talk to you later everyone ~

  • Bibi

    April 14, 2015

    Ana I like reading of your transitioning into Islam. What a beautiful journey to look back and see where you were and how far you’ve come. May Allah continue to favor you. You are truly blessed.

    Spirited, I think your husband is being quite selfish. He knows what you’ve been wanting and he continues to make lame excuses. In the world today it’s nearly impossible to spend time with your children 24/7 especially as a working parent. That’s no excuse. If he dosent want to be absent from his children’s lives how about rearranging his schedule to see them daily for a few hours and divide his nights between his wives. Where there’s a will theres a way. In the meantime your childbearing years are not waiting for him to swallow the reality pill. I truly hope ALLAH blesses you with beautiful healthy guided courageous children and keep them safe from the evils of this world. Get the ball rolling sister.

  • Laila

    April 14, 2015

    Asalamualaikum Rahma. I will give my two cents worth of perspective on your question. When we initially got married, I remember telling hubbs that I would want to talk to my co. My intention was to create a two way open communication. I was not looking into being best friends because I knew my position and I understood her anger, hurt and frustrations. But really all I ever wanted was like an open channel of communication. Initially, she was open to the idea, for about two weeks. Then, she just changed so abruptly. I suspect her family would have told her off. After that, our communication was so bad that whenever it did take place, fights would start and hubbs would be dragged into the mess. I now after many years have decided to just cut off all communications. She has told me that she would never call me. But she has. Because sometimes hubbs forgets to tell her that he is off overseas or taken up in a meeting. So she assumes he is lounging at our home.

    I feel that by not communicating at all, it is easier. She has even told me that she does not approve of her children mixing with mine [ when we have them ]. This came as a shock to hubbs because he feels that it is stupidity in it’s highest form. But now I too feel the same. No contact is better. In my case, I feel even as my co has accepted me and his marriage. She will find ways to be sarcastic, and throw daft statements to me. Example, my so called weight. By the way I am no way overweight. But because she is of another race, she feels in her mind that anyone who has a bit of flesh is “fat”. Hubbs was at some point sucked into this way of thought. Till one day he called my sister, “fat”. All hell broke loose. I actually called him stupid, ignorant, and uneducated. Where I come from commenting on ones weight is not a huge deal. But I has a sister in law from Australia who actually corrected me and said that this was rude. From then on, I changed my ways. So, he got it bad and learnt his lesson. Irony is, his son is quite “fat”. Karma does exist I guess.

    Well, sorry for my super long story. But yes. I avoid communication. I am of a different race. And there are certain things I am very very sensitive towards. So no communication is the best solution towards everyone’s sanity,happiness and joy in life.

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2015

    @Laila,

    It will take time. I understand how you are not comfortable with it right now. It’s understandable. It’s not what we were used to before we reverted/converted to Islam. It’s entirely new. It’s shocking too, at first. Of course I understand. I still communicate with my non-Muslim family now and again for a special event(s) maybe once or twice a year. As I stated, my mom took me to lunch the other a week or so ago. I used to be sooooo close to my mom. She’s closer to my younger sister because they have more in common now. I talk with her now and again on the phone. My older sister calls me now and again. I rarely hear from or see my two brothers. It was a huge adjustment, but I had to do what I had to do. It will take time, Laila. Just like covering took time for me. I was a Muslim five years before I began to cover. It’s all a transition. We still can be kind and just with them. It’s just easy to get sucked back into their ways if we mix up with them. Sometimes it’s not easy for a person to recognize when he or she is astray.

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2015

    @Rahma, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m with Rabiabint on this one. Don’t sweat it. You don’t have to be your co-wife’s friend just because she’s married to your husband. If it would give you more peace of mind and in your heart to not associate with her closely, then make it your intent not to. Just make certain you are kind and just to her. Be cordial and respectful. Don’t try to cause problems in your husband and her marriage. Don’t try to cause problems for your husband about her. Don’t be the cause of stress for him due to her. If you have good intentions and do good deeds by being kind, just and cordial when you must make contact with her, you should be good to go. Keep a clear, clean conscience. Insha Allah, you’ll be just fine. :-)

  • sanabellah

    April 14, 2015

    @Bibi, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Nice post. At least you’re surrounded by many Muslims, so you don’t have the major problems those of us with no or barely any Muslim friends or family have. Your situation is milder. I second what you said about Allah guiding us to the right path and that He continues to bless us with many more years to serve Him. It’s my main objective more than ever at this time. This sojourn will be over for all of us before we know it.

    I pray Allah lets me into Paradise/Jannah. I am never too sure I’m going there. I’ll never be sure. I suppose it’s good, so I don’t fall asleep on doing what I’m supposed to and I step up my game. I want to get to Jannah to eat all the ice cream I want all day and night. Some people say they want to get to see all of Allah’s Prophets. I want that to, but since we’ll be able to have anything we want, I want ice Cream and lots of it LOL Happy Ice Cream

    @Gail,

    I don’t know how you restrain yourself being around all that ice cream that you sell. I’d be 300 1bs with full access to all of that. sigh I use to eat a pint a day when I was younger and working out regularly with yoga and non-impact aerobics. Those were the days. Good thing I stopped though, as I’d imagine I’d have cholesterol problem although not overweight. I stopped eating pints when I stopped exercising as much and I began to gain weight.

  • Laila

    April 14, 2015

    Hey Ana. Thank you for understanding the situation that I am in. Part of me understands and accepts the rule of Allah s.w.t. and part of me says, this is family. But it will take time I guess.

    Dear Spirited. I am not offended my dear. We are all here to discuss and just throw out our thoughts. Sometimes I do get upset but no, I was not offended. I think it has got nothing to do with the British mentality etc. Ive got desi relatives. What I think is this, he feels deep down that his other wife can create major problems. Therefore he is just going to dance to her tune. The fact that she has a child gives her a major hold on him. I think when a child is in the picture, the dynamics change. As much as he hates her, there is a child to not take lightly. If I were you, I would go for making one and not bother about her. That is your right as a wife. In fact, he has no obligation to tell her. Just as mine has no obligation to tell my co about our baby making plans.

  • Bibi

    April 13, 2015

    Ana thank you for your post. I understand your perspective a little more. As for me I too was born and raised in the United states. Everyone I know and am surrounded by is muslim. I do not have not one single non muslim friend. A few family members have lost their way unfortunately. I pray ALLAH guides them back on the right path. They are family I won’t throw them out with the trash in just speaking in general timer a I’m not saying anyone here insinuated or implied for me to do so. I don’t know if ALLAH willed for them to never come back to the deen. It’s no way of knowing so I’ll never stop praying for them or severing ties. It’s not a sin so imma do it.

    Gail, that sounds very very painful. Eat lots of ice cream and rest. Take good care

    May Allah guide us all on the righteous path and bless us with many years to worship and serve Him alone (not that HE needs us to but for our own good for the hereafter) Ameen

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2015

    @rabiabint,

    About the post that you place on a different thread, I moved it where it belongs. It’s okay. If something like it should happen again in the future, just let me know, Insha Allah, and I’ll move it so you don’t have to write it again.

  • rabiabint

    April 13, 2015

    Asa Rama

    gurl it ain’t mandatory. If neither of you are handing an olive branch to each other.

    Don’t sweat it. Maybe it’s a good thing. That way no one will gossip about the husband or ask about certain things.

    Yes….rhe more I think about befriending my co… I started to think hmm maybe it’s best to not. I wouldn’t want to gossip about him or what not.

    Or get to comfortable that certain questions will arise.

    So ya….maybe it’s best to not befriend her but have respect

  • Rahma

    April 13, 2015

    Assalaam alaykum and hi all,

    What are your thoughts on cowives not communicating with eachother without obvious reasons?
    Let me make myself clear. Me and co are in contact but to be honest from the start it just doesnt feel ok.
    Not really sure why.
    I sometimes think I would be better off without staying in contact, giving myself some peace of mind.
    Islamically I dont see it as an obligation for cowives to keep in contact, although there need to be some basic sort of mutual respect and I dont have any problems with that.
    We didnt argue or anything, it just feels like shes hubbies business and not mine, so why bother?

  • rabiabint

    April 13, 2015

    As salaamualaikum

    Allahu Akbar.

    What I am going through is what muslims who has friend not Muslims has to deal with. And many many people will not understand it.

    In 20 years of our friendship…she’s a god person…she didn’t aid in me being a better Muslim but aid in my sins.

    For 20 years I played the middle fiddle with my deen
    .. I held on to this world and she’s the hardest for me to let go… I tried in the past but held back because I didn’t want that part to gp… I felt once I let her go….I will be at a lost but who do I choose to increase my deen…my friend of 20 years whose not Muslims or Quran and what Allah commands his servants. Those wanting to be Mumin?

    I told my dad it is sad…and a huge sacrifice… unless she converts..
    We won’t be as close as before..ore like an my attachment to my Co workers. .

    Is Allah worth it? Is losing my kufar friend for Islam worth it?
    Am I ready to throw away 20 years of a friendship for Allah?

    this is the reality when a muslim wants to get closer to Allah… giving up this world….and all its glitter for HIM

    Those are the questions that comes to mind.

    So it’s not about throwing the baby and the bath water out….it’s about doing what is right to better myself and prepare myself for the afterlife.

    If I say no 20 YEARS of friend is better than pleasing Allah… it is better that what Allah mention in Quran
    .. I would be committing shirk.

    I seek refuse in Allah for ever having such thoughts.

  • rabiabint

    April 13, 2015

    Asa
    @gail

    I responded on another post..
    Lol

    In short for muslim transferring to become believers there’s no room for attachment to this world and those who are part of it.

    Trust me it’s the hardest thing I’d ever had to do…because I knew 20 years ago that if I were to really practice islam she n I couldn’t be friends.

    And this is probably one of the many things a non Muslims will never understand and some Muslim wouldn’t either.
    To give up a friendship or family for the Sake of Allah ( SWT ).

    Is Allah worth it? Why can’t Muslim have both non muslims and Allah close to them?

    20 years vs. Following Allahs command the Sunnah.

    Again if a person isn’t Muslim or muslim but have reached that level…then he or she would get it.

    It’s like wearing the niqab… my choice to wear it is to humble myself…it’s not for show….but to follow the Command of Allah
    To dress different from the unbelievers and not show our adornments to anyone other than mehram men. I love make up and putting on my face to look cute..but to humble myself and keep from being vain…niqab I will go.

    no one said the road to becoming a believer is easy….it’s quite hard.

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2015

    @rabiabint, :-)

    I totally understand it and you. I was born and raised in the United States all my life. I am American. I am the only Muslim in my ENTIRE family. I’m a convert for just about 30 years now. I’m beginning to lose count. There is no other Muslim in my family, but little ole me. I’m not in a country with a large population of Muslims, as you know. The only Muslims I know is my wali, his wife and their children. They are now my family. My husband is Muslim. That is it. So, no one knows better than me what you’re dealing with, my friend. I hear you loudly and clearly…

  • Gail

    April 13, 2015

    Oh i forgot to mention i had 2 wisdom teeth pulled today and I am laying here in the bed just chilling until my pain meds wear off.The dentist had to remove some bone from my lower jaw so I am seriously hoping I will not be out of my mind in pain after the meds wear off.

  • Gail

    April 13, 2015

    Ana,
    Pest person is just about right and may be more accurate! hahahahah

  • Gail

    April 13, 2015

    Spirited,
    I know exactly what u r saying about Pakistani’s and the white skin thing.Correct me if I am wrong but I was thinking your cowife is not American and I assume she is not from UK or any other European country.I just assumed she was same skin color as u.
    I think in your hubs case it doesn’t have as much to do with skin color as it has about the baby.When u become a parent that baby becomes the most important thing to u and if he feels threatened like she will take the baby then for sure thats where him feeling mentally trapped comes into play and she knows this and is toying with him.If he just calls her bluff she will more than likely knock off esp if he is the one paying the bills.If he is the one paying the bills she is acting this way out of being possessive and controlling her little money maker understand?

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2015

    @Gail,

    Was that a Freudian Slip? In your post to Bibi, you said you were the “pest” person” Rolling on the Floor Laughing I know you meant the “best” person.

  • Gail

    April 13, 2015

    Spirited,
    Happy u got your cervix problem fixed mine is for sure coming from the uterus.I have an apt on the 21 so lets see what they say.I will say this I don’t know if PCOS is progressive or not but for sure it is an ongoing battle u more than likly will have to deal with.I had to ovarian surgeries on both my overs in my 20s and had the right one eventually removed at 28.I always had my period like clockwork so u can’t really go by that I think.My periods started screwing up around 35 to 40 in that age range plus i have the weight gain.

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2015

    @Marie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I was thinking of you. You must have felt some kind of way when you got the word she is pregnant, especially since she had said she didn’t want anymore children. I don’t know what to think. Better you than me I know me saying that is no conciliation. I don’t know what to say, other than your hubz must be fit to be tied. I will say, as well, try not to focus on her. Just enjoy your pregnancy and marriage. Don’t sweat it about her. I did find a couple ayat I had mentioned:

    “Know ye (all), that the life of this world is but play and amusement, pomp and mutual boasting and multiplying, (in rivalry) among yourselves, riches and children. Here is a similitude: How rain and the growth which it brings forth, delight (the hearts of) the tillers; soon it withers; thou wilt see it grow yellow; then it becomes dry and crumbles away. But in the Hereafter is a Penalty severe (for the devotees of wrong). And Forgiveness from Allah and (His) Good Pleasure (for the devotees of Allah). And what is the life of this world, but goods and chattels of deception?” Quran: Surah 57, ayah 20

    “The mutual rivalry for piling up (the good things of this world) diverts you (from the more serious things),” Quran: Surah 102, ayah 1

    “Until ye visit the graves.” Quran: Surah 102, ayah 2

    “But nay, ye soon shall know (the reality).” 102, ayah 3

  • Gail

    April 13, 2015

    Rabiabint,
    I don’t know what to say about your post as I get this feeling u married a muslim man that your friend is not into because he well is obviously different.I might have misread into things and u can tell me if I am wrong.I don’t know if it is good for u to give up a 20 yr friendship though that sounds really sad to me.She obviously has been there for u through thick and thin along the years.Yes she is not muslim and may never understand your interest in Islam but I am not so sure u should just throw the baby out with the bathwater.I do understand though if she is the party type and u no longer feel compelled to smoke or drink or do those types of things.I guess I am saying she must have some really nice things u love about her since u were friends for 20 yrs.Really sad I hope u reconsider.

  • Gail

    April 13, 2015

    Bibi,
    Thank u I try my best to be the pest person I can and yes I am G.D fearing.I just don’t like getting caught up in religious stuff u can say.I am happy being me.

  • Gail

    April 13, 2015

    Ana,
    Yes I totally see where u r coming from and in my thinking u r totally correct.I will say on the halal meats I also believe halal is the correct choice.To pray before cutting is the right and correct way as much as I have figured out.

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2015

    @rabiabint, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Good for you Although it’s tough getting to the point of giving up friendship with people we aren’t supposed to be friends with, isn’t it a good feeling to do it? It’s so liberating. Up until the time it happens, it’s constant stress and worry; at least it was for me. I knew what I was doing and that it wasn’t right. I knew what I needed to do. When we want to do the right thing to seek the good pleasure of Allah, then eventually it happens. Alhumdulliah. Don’t feel that you’ve wasted any time in anything that has happened in your life. Everything happened when and how it was supposed to. It’s all good :-)

  • rabiabint

    April 13, 2015

    Asa

    let’s go of friend for Islam…. update .y non muslim friend of 20 years know I am trying to better myself and I’ve distant myself from anything that will cause fitnah.

    so she text me today to say after 20 years (of friendship )you now tying to be a better in your faith. And that means not to he my friend.

    I told her I have to focus on me….and make my faith priority. She said well than just do you than. And mentioning how he asked to read the Quran and about prayer to be supportive…. (which never hapened)…

    so I’m sure she’s mad at me for not running up her tail…or checking into….what? Her bf status? Her job?

    Things that don’t matter to me…what I used to find entertaining now I see was a waste
    … I wasted 20 years living for the world…. I’m older and don’t want to die knowing I didn’t try my best to be Muslim

    Cherry on top
    She doesn’t care for my husband

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2015

    @Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for citing that ayah!!! I wrote part of it, but the rest was missing from my notes. It was easy for me to cite all the ayat because I have them written down in a book from when I first became Muslim. Spirited, I got some good laughs, as well, listening to the stories about offering salat.

    Dear Laila,

    When I first became Muslim I had a very, very difficult time digesting that I could no longer have the relationship that I had with my family, friends and co-workers. I had bonded with many of the people and loved some. I immediately began to change those relationship. Some of the change with some came gradually and some were abrupt. It still hurt my heart and saddened me. One co-worker I used to go out with on weekends for lunch at a restaurant. I had to end the friendship with her. There was another co-workers who used to ask me to go to lunch and hang out with her. She was the type of person that would have made a good friend. She was politically connected and we had a lot in common. I had to say no to a number of people who wanted to establish a friendship and I had to end friendships.

    I wrote the ayat (verses) from the Quran down when I first became Muslim so I could easily refer back to them regularly, which I did. Eventually, I reached a point where it does not bother me anymore to not be friends with people whom Allah tells me not to befriend.

    I say it all to let you know that I understand the dilemma you face. It’s not easy. It’s down right tough. At least you realize where you are and where you need to be. Ask Allah to guide you to what is right. Everything will be okay. Don’t stress. {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2015

    @Gail,

    I love what you wrote about trying to change people. I’m with you on that one. You stated:

    “u can’t change anyone but yourself G.D knows I have tried over the years and it has never happened.Either a person has desire to do good or they don’t.It is like education either a child has a willingness to learn or they don’t.Anytime the person can change if and when they get the desire to do so but until that time they decide they need to change it is like beating a dead horse(a waste of time and energy)It is better to concentrate on u and making u the best person u can be and let other see what u have achieved and then hopefully they will want to also achieve what u have might be a better more clear way of viewing things in my opinion.”

    About trying to change someone, I’ve been there and done that when I first became Muslim, and didn’t know any better. I was so excited about Islam and wanted to share it with my family and every one. In doing so, once, one of my brothers threw the Quran across the room. My one sister asked why I thought my halal meat was better than hers when I said I’d bring the meat to the cook out. She said she knew I’d cover my hair eventually, but didn’t know it would happen so soon. Once I stop bothering them about Islam and let them be, we get along cordially and respectfully. Of course I’m not close to them, as I take my religion seriously, and try my best to obey Allah.

    There’s an ayah in Quran that Allah says – we should say, to you your way and to me mine. I won’t worship what you worship, nor will you worship what I worship. To you your way and to me mine. It lets me know to leave people alone about their beliefs. Allah doesn’t give a person a burden more than they have the strength to bear, we put the additional burden on ourselves. Allah tells us that He decides who will be Muslim and who won’t, which indicates to me that I don’t need to concern myself with it. If I don’t chase somebody down to become Muslim and Allah wants the person to be Muslim, my lack of action won’t prevent the person from becoming Muslim. No one can stop Allah’s show.

    Allah clearly says:

    “Thou wouldst only, perchance, fret thyself to death, following after them, in grief, if they believe not in this Message.” Quran: Surah 18, ayah 6.

  • Bibi

    April 13, 2015

    Marie thank you. You cleared it up nicely. I have a hard time getting my point across sometimes and sadly I’m apparently confusing people by invisibly pointing fingers. I never said ALLAH needs us to do anything. Allah needs nothing from us. He tells us to pray five times a day for example. Does He need our praises No it’s for our own good so I say anyone who wants to give dawah and preach islam kudos especially your family. Don’t give up on them and you don’t have to be in their face preaching to me that’s not dawah its your actions and your way of life. ALLAH tells us to do so many things FOR OUR OWN GOOD. Not that He needs it. I have No problem with anything in Holy Quean it’s very clear to me. Peoples own interpretations and understanding of the Holy Quran is contradicting to me.
    Marie I’m glad you’re accepting your co’s pregnancy in a positive way. You’re preg too right?
    Gail I absolutely love your post. You’re so straightforward and honest. May Allah G.D bless your heart. And I want you to know I have no harsh feelings towards you for your way of life for not being Muslim. You seem like a wonderful G.D fearing individual.

  • Spirited

    April 13, 2015

    Salaam all, it’s another Monday.

    @Ummof4, always love to hear from you it’s quite sad to hear that in your experience, the children have been non-Muslim in those cases. Makes no sense to me why people think they can go against Allah and get anything out of it.

    @Laila, don’t take it too personally when we speak of non-Muslims. I know it’s a matter close to your heart since your family aren’t Muslim, but facts are facts. I haven’t seen anyone being condemning of you or your family and I’m sure you know everyone is considerate & at least cordial to non-Muslims because they’re still human. Even if they still hate us, no believing Muslim would hurt another human unless to save a life. . To be friendly with non-Muslims is one thing, it’s another matter to take them into the most intimate relationship there is. When people start putting their own feelings and thoughts into the religion, it leads to corruption like with the Torah, Bible and whatever other books there may have been before. I feel like Muslims are trying to do that now with Islam too, like the sheiks/scholars who are saying its a-ok to marry non-Muslim men. Many Muslims are already at the same state as Hindus — they don’t even know what their own religious books say and just go off what their pundits tell them. I’ve seen so many scholars who plead with their Hindu brothers & sisters to please read the original texts and they would see that they shouldn’t be worshipping many gods. Their books also specify ONE God, yet everyone sees Hinduism as a polytheistic religion because of how far they’ve strayed from their own teachings. I fear for Muslims because it looks like the ummah is headed for trouble.

    Laila, no worries, I don’t take offense about criticism of his actions. It’s not like my husband has never lied before. I’m still taking much of what he says with a grain of salt. I can be fairly confident about his claims about his 2nd wife though. I have inadvertently seen some of her threatening messages — like once when we were sitting together, he had his arms around me, got a message on the phone, checked it right infront of me. I read it too (hard not to). I think one time when I heard him on the phone, and at least one time that I remember vividly when he begged her repeatedly to let him talk & see the kid on skype but she wasnt done threatening him and finally wanted him to kiss her a$$, shall we say, before she would “allow” it. I’m sure these are the actions of a loving wife and mother (being sarcastic). The messages and demands have been kind of like “you better not be with your wife right now” “the wall behind you looks like her home” “don’t dare have a child with her, I found out your social security number, I’ll find out if you have any children and you’ll never see your baby again” “divorce her or you’ll never find your baby” — those are some of the ones I know myself. As I see it, she’s only after a visa and controlling him like he’s beneath her. If she really loved him, she wouldn’t treat him like she does. I’ve told my husband before, flat-out said to him one day — I don’t want you to be unhappy, if you have to leave me, then do it now. He said he doesn’t want to, he would lose a piece of his heart. Was he sincere? I don’t know, but it’s not like I’m holding him at gunpoint. I’ve asked if he wants us to stay together, told him my feelings, & I guess he has to figure out how to make it work on his end. A big reason I get so mad is how my husband is afraid of his non-Muslim so-called-wife as if she’s his lord. That really infuriates me because it’s like he’s still stuck in that Pakistan-India region’s mentality of the non-Muslim person as being their superior from when that area was under British rule. Muslims are not anyone’s slaves (aside from God of course) and we are not inferior to non-believers. We already have to be seen as constantly apologizing for the actions of extremists & psychos and made to feel like we have to be ashamed of our religion, why bow to these people more? To me, it’s beyond disgusting. That’s just how I feel about it.

    @Ana, I just considered it now, you aren’t from a background of arranged marriages so that’s probably why that movie was more interesting lol. . Nice that you enjoyed it.

    The Quran reference you missed the notation on is 2:120 (Surat 2, “Al-Baqara”, verse 120). “And never will the Jews or Christians approve of you until you follow their religion and ways. Say, ‘the guidance of Allah is the only true guidance’ if you were to follow their desires after what has come to you of knowledge, you would have no protector or helper in front of Allah”

    Thanks also for compiling all those references! I was thinking about it myself, that I knew its specifically in the Quran about the dangers of taking enemies of God into intimacy but I didn’t have any reference handy.

    I was laughing so much at everyone’s experiences with the fast prayer readers! My brother sometimes leads prayers and my mom is always out of breath after they’re done lol. And the ones about the long surahs oh man, rofl. During Ramadan, everyone I know likes to go to this one mosque who has a “Fast Forward” imam who blazes through the surahs. They’re usually done & back home hours before other places, it just cracks me up. They said last year, they had even more people attending that particular mosque because of this imam. My dad actually goes all the way to that city instead of going 5 minutes away! It’s funny but they should be more serious (still funny though lol).

    Thank you for sharing the Speed Salat stories guys!

    @Rabiabint, that was a nice clear way of stating your thoughts on the non-Muslim spouse issue. There really are more problems than it’s worth :( too bad the Muslim men (and now Muslim women too) don’t realize until it’s too late.

    @Gail oh I was down about PCOS before, I talked to Ana about it when I was depressed, but I’m back to my regular optimistic self, more or less. The specialist already put me on metformin, he said I’m not pre-diabetic but it helps anyway because there are signs of insulin resistance so better to be pro-active. I’m not overweight, comfortably within BMI for my height. I was not given birth control pills because 1. Want to have kid, 2. Don’t have a problem with a monthly period happening. Like I said, I don’t have too many of the symptoms. Maybe it’s still early? I didn’t ask if this is a progressive type of thing. I should ask him and find out a few other things. He was saying I have time to have a baby and not to worry, but I want to get some details on that now. I’ll get an appointment right after I finish here

    About the bleeding after intercourse, it’s been solved for me. It may not be the same for you but after a few visits and tests, my gynecologist & I got a treatment that worked. Ok this next part isn’t for the kids . She saw that I had abrasions on my uterus from him hitting it during sex. I have a retroverted (back tilt) uterus which means it’s in a position to be hit more than if it was straight up or anteroverted (forward tilt) — all are normal variations by the way. So she put a chemical on the abrasion to kind of “burn” the area that was being hit so it wouldn’t bleed anymore. The first chemical didn’t work, the second one did. If that didn’t work either, the next step was an electrical cauterization, but we didn’t need to do that. It’s called chemical cauterization, the first chemical was silver nitrate, but I don’t remember the name of the second one (it was orange colored). That was months ago and no problems with unexpected/unwanted bleeding since. Before we got to the cause of the bleeding, she was thinking uterine polyps, but there weren’t any & obviously we found the problem. She still did a few blood tests to be sure of other stuff. Here’s hoping your doc appointment goes well and it’s not anything serious.

    @Mari2, so wait, now after the marriage that the mother-in-law agreed to — and even pushed for if I remember correctly — they are treating her like dirt? What is wrong with people today? I wish I could help out with some advice for either you or her, but I don’t have any experience to draw from. My own in-laws treat me very well whenever I am there. maybe it’s particular quirks of some families I can totally understand the girl’s mentality though. It’s the way parents teach them from over there. They’re always told of the wonders of married life and the freedom they will FINALLY have, told to get an education enough to be a good wife and mother and so that’s what they expect and are looking forward to. And of course, the money thing makes me laugh. I guess short of making a video or them seeing for themselves how hard you guys have to work for what you have, they’re never going to believe that you guys aren’t living it up like they imagine. Still, there is something to be said about even the poorest people in the U.S. Having it better than even some middle class folk there. . Maybe if she comes to the U.S., she might change her viewpoint and even want to be independent? Just a thought.

    Interestingly, one of my sisters-in-law stopped her education after high school just recently (2 or 3 years ago I think?) she says she has no head for school and isn’t interested in higher education, plus there’s no need. I guess if she’s staying in Pakistan, that might be ok. I was still thinking to push her to become a local teacher or maybe ladies Quran teaching in the village or something to not have to be completely reliant in Muslim men — these same ones who are less and less truthful and possessing fewer morals as the years go on.

    Well, talk to you guys later, have a few appointments to set up and pick up a few more things to pack. Love you all

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2015

    Hey,I can’t keep up with the comments lol. Where is my crazy face smiley? It’s not available on my phone. You all are rockin and rollin

  • Laila

    April 13, 2015

    Hey guys. Reading everyones perspectives is really interesting and educational. But I think in my case Ive got to re-think on my actions with my non-Muslim pals. Maybe it is best I do not allow them to think I am in their group. So I plan to put a stop to a few things soon. But Marie, I loved your idea on the importance of sincerity. It is so true. Long or short what matters most is our intent and sincerity. In my case I cannot just ignore my family and cut off all ties. They are part of me as I am part of them. They do give me hell at times but at the same time they are my support system. So I cannot just walk away or limit my interaction with them. By doing that, I am in conflict with myself a d my priorities, whereby family is important.

  • Marie

    April 13, 2015

    Oh the reason why hubz says next time he will listen is because. I told him that before they married she wil be on her best behaviour and say things like “I just want a husband” and she won’t make many demands. Then after you marry her the I wants, and that’s not fair will come. I told him she will want everything I have and more. But still she fails to realise that my husband doesn’t control what she gets. Furthermore what she really wants is the type of relationship me and hubz have. I knew from before that she never satisfied and nothing will be good enough. Well, what can I say except “I told you so”

  • rabiabint

    April 13, 2015

    Asa ladies

    The only Prophet the cane for the world was the Seal (saw).

    When the Messenger (saw) started reaching out to the Meccan it was at the base of all Abrahamic faith. The kabah….he then reached to the christens then jews…any one who went astray from Abraham (as) his message was received. We also have to remember back in those time people was into religion…. be it monotheism or polytheism…pagan. so there wasn’t anyone who were atheist.

    And when people started reverting back to their old ways Allah sent them a reminder. Prophet Muhammad ( s.a.w y was the seal….and with that the Quran came and it’s been preservation for over 1500+ years.

    Gail… Mashallah

    You gave a pure insight on your husband…he is Muslim by name…. a sign of a Munafiq….so it makes sense on why your views is on Islam is that and doubt about the Prophet (saw) because you husband isn’t practicing.

    Yes my blood family was acting up

  • Marie

    April 13, 2015

    Yeah Ana, it’s funny to me. If you remember I said she ‘other’ didn’t have time for a husband (due to her circumstances) but, I got married so obviously she had to. I asked hubz just before they got married if she wanted more kids, at that time she said no, buuut obviously when I got pregnant she seemed to want another child lol. Oh, it’s funny because, turns out she don’t have time for hubz and now she wants to add a child. Good luck to her.

    P.s hubz is NOT happy about it. I said well that’s what happens when you have sex. But apparently she said she can’t have any more kids. I can’t make sense of what their doing or saying to each other. Imo that marriage was a farce from the beginning. I can only laugh, when hubz says, “next time I’m listening to you”

    I suppose someone could try an live it up till the ‘think’ there going to die, but Allah could cause them to have a sudden death. Also is waiting till your ready to croak to take shahadah sincere, one would have to be telling the truth when they testify. Not just as a safety net.

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2015

    Allah says in Quran He does not accept the repentance of someone who knows he or she is dying. We know everyone will die. I mean, in the instance of someone who has a medical condition that he knows will take him out or a person is actually dying and has months or a year or so to live.

    If it were the case that Allah would forgive a non-believer on his death bed, a person could take the chance that he or she will know when he or she will die and take Shahadah then. It’s convenient to live it up and then at the final hour repent. Allah is a Just God. I remember when my step-dad was on his death bed, and was down to hours to live, a Muslim relative on his side of the family was trying to get him to take Shahadah before he died. I just kept my mouth shut; although I knew the deal.

    About “judging”, the purpose really is to determine how to treat certain people or who to take into your intimacy or befriend or marry. I think the conversation here about praying wasn’t to make a judgment call on someone based on his or her salat. It was just a non-serious conversation about our observations about the peculiarity of some situations – not to judge the persons character. A person could be seen day and night in the masjid praying, but it really means not much. The person could be there for show, and doesn’t offer any prayers when not in the masjid. Some people don’t offer salat except during Ramadan. They tell people it; which is how I know. Some people don’t fast. Who cares, other than to make an observation, unless one is considering befriending the person, becoming a business partner of the person, considering marrying the person or something to that effect. The main thing to realize is that judging in Islam is permissible and is expected. When, how and whom one judge is individual and depends on the circumstance. I know of people who have said they seen so and so smoking a cigarette or so, and so is a Muslim and uses drugs. It’s not the type of judging referred to. Allah tests people in various ways. People struggle with vices and such. It doesn’t determine the character of the Muslim, who knows whether the person will go home that day, repent and ask Allah to forgive him or her and the person never does it again or continue to struggle with situation?

    @Marie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m not surprised your co is pregnant now. Do you know the ayah about rivalry in wealth and children; it will occur to we come to the grave. I don’t know it verbatim off the top of my head. It’s like a baby war goes on between co LOL

  • Gail

    April 13, 2015

    Everyone,
    I want to clarify I don’t think Pakistani woman r bad people.I think Pakistani woman r very lovely and really warm hearted generous ladies.I am talking about inner family relationships and how it kinda works in a Pakistani family polygamy unit from what I have personally witnessed.I have lived the last 12 years in a Pakistani Joint family system if this helps to clarify.

  • Gail

    April 13, 2015

    Mari2,
    Just hang in there but I u have to know I am not for your MIL living with u and your cowife in the same home.I see your mother inlaw as a real threat to your marriage and the cousin wife as being very young and immature and when she has children she may be very selfish although if u all agree u r all the parents and works together it can be very beautiful but lets face it this is not a utopia type situation and chances r her being younger she will need hubby more and for him to dote on her(sex hormone thing as u understand so u would have to be willing to understand that and love her through this time in her life) knowone speaks of this and it is such an important thing to be happy and good with your cowife through childbearing years.I believe it is part of being a loving and faithful cowife and it is not as hard as alot of woman think.
    Also u must know that Pakistani woman in general do not believe in SHARING it is not in their nature to do so because they want all of the income from their husband.It is not really the girls fault it is her mothers fault and society in general will tell her to get rid of the other woman normally.
    Maybe some of the Pakistani girls can explain better but that is the problem I was faced with in my Poly marriage.
    I say tell hubby to ditch the MIL or tell him if his mother dare make problems she has to go and there is no exceptions to that rule.
    I will say this your husband is trying to snowball u and u must know that just between us girls.He knows well Pakistani culture and putting wives together with a MIL in the middle leads to nothing but disaster.He is living Utopia and he better snap out of it before his mother and cousin wife slap him upside the head.Aslo if u allow this what your stuff because u may find that mommy dearest or cousin girls takes them and puts them up to take back to pakistan later they do this crap and it drives me MADDD.lol

  • Marie

    April 13, 2015

    Assalaamu alaykum all.

    The conversations here are interesting. I’m just adding my 2 cents.
    Prophet nuh gave dawah to his son for hundreds of years before Allah revealed to him that he will never believe, my opinion is, in regards to family members is once Allah has revealed to YOU that a particular family member will never believe, do not give up on them. The prophets didn’t give up on a people till Allah told them to, Allah accepts repentance till one is on the death bed.
    Having said that, we are not to “preach” to anyone who we fear will slander Allah, the prophets and religion. If a person is openly listening and interested we should tell the the truth.

    One should always respect the womb that bore us whether Muslim or not. That does not mean to follow their way (our mothers) but we should be kind to them.

    Yes, we should judge people based on what we know of quran. One thing we can’t judge is sincerity, someone’s 3min prayer maybe more sincere than someone who prays all night. Fast or slow it’s about sincerity.

    According to my knowledge laughing out loud breaks ones prayer.

    In other news. ‘other’ is pregnant. No surprise there. And to answer why I dislike my co. A lot of reasons, which are all to do with my previous experience of her (before they married) I can’t say I hate her because I don’t care enough to hate her.

  • Gail

    April 13, 2015

    Bibi,
    I don’t mind at all to answer any questions u may have as I also believe it sheds light on inter religious marriages.To answer your question if my husband is a practicing Muslim the Answer is NO he doesn’t pray like normal Muslims do 5 times a day on a prayer rug and he doesn’t fast during Ramadan.He was born Syed Shia Muslim and that is what he claims to be but the way he acts u would think he was atheist to be frank and I would venture to say I act more muslim than he does and I am not even MUSLIM if that tells u anything.lol
    I read everyones post but I don’t know I just feel so strongly in my mind that all these religions is nothing more than a way to control the masses and that is why the governments allow religion and that is why I believe in USA religious places r tax exempt.I am just throwing this out there in the wind but normally when the government has tax exempt usually means it is controlled by the government somewhere along the way like example… food stamps tax exempt… medicaid…medicare.. just a few again this is just my thinking but societies are built on religion doctrine so logically speaking makes sense to me.I have always said I am happy just being me and trying to live a clean simple noncomplicated life as best I can.I’m not perfect but knowone is and if I have compared myself to muslims(because that is what I am around) I would say I am better off just being me.
    Bibi sadly u can’t change anyone but yourself G.D knows I have tried over the years and it has never happened.Either a person has desire to do good or they don’t.It is like education either a child has a willingness to learn or they don’t.Anytime the person can change if and when they get the desire to do so but until that time they decide they need to change it is like beating a dead horse(a waste of time and energy)It is better to concentrate on u and making u the best person u can be and let other see what u have achieved and then hopefully they will want to also achieve what u have might be a better more clear way of viewing things in my opinion.
    Do u know my entire Muslim family there is one thing they know about me that I am known for and that is that I never Lie.I always tell the truth know matter how hard it may be.My husband on the other hand is what I call a snake and what I mean by that is he slithers around changing things to look like one way when they really r not that a nice way of saying he lies,cheats,steals to get what he wants and he does this even with his own parents.I have tried like crazy for yrs to change his personality but he thinks I am simple and basically an idiot and says I am to straight forward so my way is not his way and his way is not my way.I find his way insane.Also he all the time says he is going to hell yet he refuses to change his ways.I don’t believe in hell so it is no skin off my nose however I believe he is going to have to go through alot more work before he figured out the truth.I see it like school basically he is in the kindergarten and I am in high school when it comes to moral ethical behavior based on religious beliefs.Hope that helps in explaining.I also don’t really think people get credit for trying to overcome things like lying cheating stealing.I see it more as once u conquer something u move on to the next lesson.I can’t imagine anyone even coming close in one lifetime as there are just too many lessons to learn and achieve in my thinking.In this lifetime I have learned patience and sharing and suffering.

  • Bibi

    April 13, 2015

    I meant rabiabint apologies typing fast

  • Bibi

    April 13, 2015

    One last question on the subject. Do you believe that all the Prophets only guided people who were already believers but misguided because that’s what I understood from one of your recent posts when u stated

    The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) and the messengers duty was to either bring those who have lost their way, to bring them Back to Allah

    If so,

    I think that’s where our beliefs differ because I believe they proprogated Islam to all. Non muslims idol worshippers murderers not just misguided muslims.

    If that’s not what you meant my apologies.

  • Bibi

    April 13, 2015

    Ana you stated

    WHERE did you hear anyone here say, imply, infer or insinuate that Allah has a job or duty?

    Sorry I didn’t realise I named anyone in particular

  • Bibi

    April 13, 2015

    Alhumdullilaah. No where did I say you are anyone else commentating on the subject said this or that. I was speaking in general. And I in no way am comparing myself to any Prophet. I was simply making it clear that they were examples and we as muslims try our best to follow their footsteps and implement what they taught.

    Allah is the Greatest.

  • Rabiabint

    April 13, 2015

    Asa Sisters,

    All this talk makes me wonder if the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) or his Companions (RA) was here… would we even be seen as Muslims? Debating over non-muslim family…

    IF the companions family rejected Islam after they mention it… they pulled away. The various ayats Ana mentions came down at times when the Prophet was giving dawah to those who rejected it… including his family…

    Mashallah the most beautiful thing about the “Birth” of Islam is that Abu Bakr- His best friend and his Wife Khadijah (RA)BOTH accepted Islam…when the Prophet (SAW) received the message…

    Sadly today we as Muslim feel the need to befriend and stay close to those who rejected Islam. To Marry them… like what the heck happened to us Muslims?

    And we debate what Allah says in Quran… We debate on the actions of the Propeht (SAW)? Because we don’t want to accept the truth? We don’t want to accept the fact that Allah tells us to stay away from the non-muslims and that includes family… Don’t make them your friend…

    This is what Allah commands us to do…It was the Prophet (SAW) and his companions did…

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2015

    @rabiabint, ASA

    Thank you! You said it right when you said we give the message, for instance, in our actions, personality etc. They see calmness, humbleness, kindness or something special in us that make them approach us and inquire about Islam. It has happened to me on a number of occasions. I have heard of other Muslim who were approached by non-Muslims about Islam.

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2015

    Bibi,

    WHERE did you hear anyone here say, imply, infer or insinuate that Allah has a job or duty?

  • Rabiabint

    April 13, 2015

    Wa Alaikum Salaam,

    @Bibi
    The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) and the messengers duty was to either bring those who have lost their way, to bring them Back to Allah… The Angel Gabriel came to them specifically and told them this is YOUR DUTY…

    Giving Dawah only is received when the person is looking for the answer… and that includes the family. Give Dawah to those whom Allah has mad blind and deaf about Islam won’t change until Allah open their eyes and ear to receive the message or not.

    The Prophet (SAW) didn’t have a son…And the Prophet (SAW) used to preach in general.. His family consisted of his uncle who reject it… He didn’t speak to his uncle about it – instead he spread the word of Allah to those who will listen… And even on his uncles death bed…. his uncle reject it…

    And in out actions those close to use if wanted to be Muslim would have been. 1.5 Billion Muslims around the world… and people still reject it… So Yes Allah brings whom he chooses to be Muslims. We give the message in our actions, personality esp.

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2015

    Bibi,

    Who said the Prophets were supposed to sit ideally and not project Islam? Who said that? Are you comparing yourself to a Prophet? The Prophets (all of them) Allah sent as Messengers to spread Allah’s Word. They were on a mission. It was their job. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was sent to propagate Islam. When they left this earth they left Books (the word of Allah) for those living. Prophet Moses (PBUH) left the Torah. Prophet Jesus (PBUH) left the Gospel. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) left the Quran. The Quran is the only book that no one can tamper with as Allah has protected it from corruption. It is the Book everyone is to follow.

    Allah says those who He has not favored with Islam are “deaf”, “dumb” and “blind.” Those non-Muslim you want to go preach to don’t hear you. Huh, there are some Muslims who can’t hear. Allah says admonition is for the Believers.

    If you want to go try to convert people to Islam. Go ahead and do it. No one is stopping you. Be my guest.

  • Bibi

    April 13, 2015

    So answer me this. Why has ALLAH sent Prophets to idol non muslim idol worshippers if they were supposed to sit ideally and not project Islam and teach people of Islam and our way. I never said ALLAH needs help doing anything. Allah dosent have jobs or duties towards anyone. and as you stated Prophet Nuh AS tried guiding his son. Was that wrong. If Prophet Nuh AS tried to guide his son on the right path why shouldn’t we try that with near and dear ones.

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2015

    Allah says:

    “Thou wilt not find any people who believe in Allah and the Last Day, loving those who resist Allah and His Messenger, even though they were their sons, or brothers, or their kindred…They are the Party of Allah. Truly it is the Party of Allah that will achieve Felicity.” Quran: Surah 58, ayah 22

    “O ye who believe! Take not the Jews and the Christians for your friends and protectors; They are but friends and protectors to each other. And he amongst you that turn to them (for friendship ) is of them. Verily Allah guideth not a people unjust.” Quran: Surah 5, ayah 51

    “O ye who believe! Turn not (for friendship) to people on whom is the wrath of Allah. Of the Hereafter they are already in despair, just as the unbelievers are in despair about those (buried) in graves.” Quran: Surah 60, ayah 13

    “O ye who believe! Take not my enemies and yours as friends (or protectors) – offering them (your) love, even though they have rejected the Truth that has come to you and (have on the contrary) driven out the Messenger and yourselves (from your homes), simply because ye believe in Allah your Lord! If ye have come out to strive in My way and to seek My good pleasure, (Take them not as friends) holding secret converse of love (and friendship with them: for I know full well all that ye conceal and all that ye reveal. And any of you that does this has strayed from the Straight Path.” Quran: Surah 60, ayah 1

    “Thou seest many of them turning in friendship to the unbelievers.” Quran: Surah 5, ayah 80

    “And thou hadst not expected that the Book would be sent to thee except as a Mercy from thy Lord: Therefor lend not thou support in any way to thos who reject (Allah’s Message).” Quran: Surah 28, ayah 86

    “Allah will not abandon those who strive with might and main, and take none for friends and protectors except Allah, His Messenger, and the (Community of Believers” Quran: Surah 9, ayah 16

    “Follow (O men!) the revelation given unto you from your Lord, and follow not, as friends or protectors other than Him. Little is it ye remember of admonition.” Quran: Surah 7, ayah 3

    “And Abraham prayed for his father’s forgiveness only because of a promise he had made to him. But when it became clear to him that he was an enemy to Allah, he disassociated himself from him:” Quran: Surah 9, ayah 114

    “And turn away those who join false gods with Allah” Quran: Surah 15, ayah 94

    “O ye who believe! Take not for protectors your fathers and your brothers if they love infidelity above Faith: If any of you do so they do wrong.” Quran: Surah 9, ayah 23

    “Say: If it be that your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your mates, or your kindred; the wealth that ye have gained; the commerce in which ye fear a decline; or the dwellings in which ye delight – are dearer to you than Allah, or His Messenger,or the striving in His cause – then wait until Allah brings about His decision: And Allah guides not the rebellious” Quran: Surah 9, ayah 24

    “Your (real) friends are (no less than) Allah, His Messenger, and the (Fellowship of) Believers – those who establish regular payer and regular charity , and they bow down humbly (in worship)” Quran: Surah 5, ayah 55

    “And to those who turn (for friendship) to Allah, His Messenger, and the (Fellowship of) Believers – it is the Fellowship of Allah that must certainly triumph” Quran: Surah 5 ayah 56

    “O ye who believe! Take not for friends unbelievers rather than believers: do ye wish to offer Allah an open proof against yourselves? Quran: Surah 4, ayah 144

    “O ye who believe! Take not into your intimacy those outside your rank: They will not fail to corrupt you. They only desire your ruin: Rank hatred has already appeared from their mouths: What their hearts conceal is far worse. We have made plain to you the Signs if ye have wisdom.” Quran: Surah 3, ayah 118

    “The Believers, men and women are protectors, one of another: They enjoin what is just, and forbid what is evil: They observe regular prayers, practice regular charity, and obey Allah and His Messenger. On them will Allah pour His Mercy: for Allah is Exalted in power, wise.” Quran: Surah 9, ayah 71

    “Therefore shun those who turn away from Our Message and desire nothing but the life of this world.” Quran: Surah 53, ayah 29

    “Never will the Jews or the Christians be satisfied with thee unless thou follow their form of religion. Say: The guidance of Allah – that is the” ooops, I missed writing it all in my notes. Sorry

    “Let not the Believers take for friends or helpers unbelievers rather than Believers: If any do that, in nothing will there be help from Allah: except by way of precaution, that ye may guard yourselves from them but Allah cautions you (to remember) Himself; for the final goal is to Allah.” Quran: Surah 3, ayah 28

    “And believe no one unless he follows your religion. Say: True guidance is the guidance of Allah …” Quran: Surah3, ayah 73

    “O ye who Believe! Take not for friends un-believers rather than Believers, do ye wish to offer Allah an open proof against yourselves?” Quran: Surah 4, ayah 144

    Note: There is an ayah in Quran in which it’s stated that Prophet Noah (PBUH) pleaded to Allah on account of his son who partook himself to a mountain and wouldn’t enter the ark. Prophet Noah (PBUH) said, he (his son) is his family. Allah said he is not of his family. His (Noah’s PBUH) family are those who believe.

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2015

    Allah brings people out of darkness into light. We don’t do it and He doesn’t need our help.

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2015

    @Bibi, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    When Allah says don’t sever ties with your family members it means Muslim family members. He is not referring to non-Muslim family members who reject Him and are an enemy to Him. Allah does not contradict himself. Throughout the Quran He tells us not to befriend those who reject Him. It is senseless to think Allah tells one to befriend his own enemies and Allah’s enemies just because the person is a biological relative.

    Allah doesn’t need anyone to bring anyone to Islam. Furthermore, it is not within a person’s capability to do so. Allah says He doesn’t need us, we need Him. He decides who will be Muslim and when. He clearly tells us that He decides. When He decides it, HE places the person in the position to receive it. It’s a waste of time and it’s trouble to run people down in an effort to get them to accept Islam. Do you want people coming up to you sweating you about becoming a Jahovah’s Witness or Mormon? Do you want them in your face? Well, what makes you think people want you in their faces trying to get them to accept Islam?

  • Laila

    April 13, 2015

    Ana, you made me think real hard when you said some non-Muslims view Muslims are nons. It was a deep statement for me. Im in the midst of just rethinking what I would have said and done or am I projecting the image of a non-Muslim. Good statement Ana. It does provoke some deep thought.

  • Gail

    April 13, 2015

    Anabellah,
    I personally don’t know if I reject Prophet Muhammad or not to be honest.I believe he lived and all that but not 100% convinced he was a prophet of G.D.Do I feel it matters no not really because the way I see it is that if my soul depended on such information then I believe G.D would have made things perfectly clear on alot of subjects that we humans think is soul threatening.
    Honestly as u know I don’t believe in Hell so for me it is just a non issue if he was a prophet or not.It’s strange because the older I gut I thought I would get more religious but I’m not.I do however feel like I am becoming a better more compassionate person.I have learned anyone can call themselves anything but unless a person does more good than harm well that is the key as much as I can see.

  • Bibi

    April 13, 2015

    Salaams all. Just rushed through the recent comments. Will be back to finish InshaAllah. About befriending non muslims. I think there’s a line when it comes to non muslim family members. Allah Swt also says do not sever ties with your family. And just because people haven’t excepted Islam dosent mean you shouldn’t try bringing them out of the darkness of disbelief into the light of Islam. We are not aware of the will of Allah. We don’t know if ALLAH willed for them to never except Islam. In the meantime it dosent hurt to try.

    @gail hello there. Thank you for shedding light from your perspective. This is why it is strongly restricted for muslim men not to wed those who do not share his faith. Is your husband only muslim by name or because he was born Muslim. Does he practise. You don’t have to answer those questions if you aren’t comfortable doing so. I just can’t see how if he is a practising Muslim how he can’t instill those acts into his children or make an effort to. But like you said those kids are where they are supposed to be. Well they are where ALLAH placed them rather.

  • Gail

    April 13, 2015

    Rabiabint,
    I read your post and u left me wondering all these nonmuslim family members u speak of seem to be not only nonmuslim but ungodly in general is the way I perceived your post which again really has nothing to do with religion as much as being a decent human being in my opinion.Sorry that happened to u and that your family is doesn’t really want to remember your mother as a religious muslim woman I think that would be very hard and sad for u since they r in essence denying who your mother was and her belief system.
    I will say I think inter religious marriages r very hard and knowing what I know now I would never agree to another one unless the man was Jewish or a Jew but that is neither here nor there since I don’t really plan on remarrying.
    It’s been a hard road but i have learned alot.

  • anabellah

    April 12, 2015

    @Mari2,

    Everyone is not alike, as you know. What you did doesn’t mean everyone can do it. You yourself know cousin/wife comes from a culture in which many women don’t work. She believes her husband should support her and she not work. He knows the deal, so he needs to figure it out. I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t flip no burger or clean some toilet either other than my own. It’s just me. At least it’s not my intent to do it.

  • anabellah

    April 12, 2015

    All I can say is that based on what Allah says in the Holy Quran true friendship amongst Muslims and non-Muslims can’t exist, if the person is a believer. A believer would not accept someone who rejects Allah and his Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). We’re supposed to accept all of Allah’s Prophets and many do accept them all, EXCEPT for the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). I don’t make this stuff up. Respecting one another and being cordial is possible. Friendship is not. There are Muslims who non-Muslims DON’T view as Muslims, thus they all get along. Ummm I wonder why they aren’t viewed as Muslims??? Could it be because they follow the non-Muslim way?

  • Gail

    April 12, 2015

    ummoff4,
    Yes to be honest u said it exactly right! The way I feel about covering is if a person feels convicted to cover themselves then by all means cover yourself.If a person feels they should wear dresses then again by all means wear a dress.I do cover my head when I am in Pakistan but that is for protection and to blend in and not for religious reasons. I am not against covering at all but it is just not for me personally.I don’t see the need in covering if a woman is honest and sincere and has a respectful personality in my personal opinion.
    As for Judaism I do tend to lean towards it more than other religions simply because I was raised christian but could not get into all the pagan stuff so Judaism is more logical to me personally.
    I have always said that if my Cowife had issues which she did but she did not stand up for herself from start whats my mistake?She knew from day one i was not a muslim yet she sent her kids with me and my husband also knew so I have no guilt feelings because I did nothing wrong.I honestly feel like the kids r where they r suppose to be.Everyone is different and thats ok I feel.I feel morals and doing the right thing is far more greater than saying hey I am Jew,Christian,muslim,hindu,etc… in my thinking.

  • Rabiabint

    April 12, 2015

    ASA Ladies…

    Ok lets bring this back… We’re getting off topic. Yes Muslim men wedding Kufar women is wrong… They do it out of lust and not out of Faith… Allah tells us clear whom we should and shouldn’t marry… and Spirited and Gail are examples of what happens…

    Laila- I have non Muslim family member and I treat them with respect… and we go out and have fun… but they all know my Muslim sisters come first. Mashallah I have closer Muslim friends.

    I didn’t know how close my muslim sisters were until my mother past away. my non-Muslims family Isolated my sister (muslim) my father (muslim) and me when it came to my mother life insurance…. her stuff and so forth.. They wanted to throw out all thing of her that was Islamic… They didn’t want anything to do with us. And it wasn’t until my mother long time Muslim friend opened her door to my family and I.

    She said Your mother was a good friend of mine and it is my duty to be an Aunty to you…

    My family moved closer to her and our Islamic family got stronger.. All of my muslim friends clinged to my sister and I as we mourned my mothers death… My non-muslim family member distant themselves from us because they wanted to remember my mother before she converted to Islam. Now present day, my non-muslims family member know I respect them but I will never see them closer to me than my brother and sisters in Islam.

    I currently take care of my father alone for 3 years and not ONCE did any of my non-Muslims family came out to see him. Instead that want me to bring them in their realm. My father ahs a long time muslim friend who will come over almost every Sunday just to set and talk to him… The men from the mosque would drop by just to give Salaams. We live about 45 min- hour out from the city… and they come out to visit him.

    The straw the broke the camel back was when they tried to go back and forth about my marriage and being in a Poly-marriage. my non muslims family was up in a roar…tell me its fake- they don’t approve of it… and so on and so forth…

    So I keep my relationship with my family and friends whose not Muslim very superficial- I dont’ get in to depth about religion, family gossip nor money.

    I care about them but I don’t have a deep love for them… as I do for my Muslim sisters.

  • Mari2

    April 12, 2015

    And about loooong salat. Been there. While in NYC, M and I went to a masjid for salat. One night we were there for Isha. I entered the curtained off womens section during azan. 30 minutes later, alone in a curtained section, I became convinced I missed the pray. No other women. I was by myself. So I did Isha. Then the imam began Isha. So I did it again. Omg he was soooooo slow. Isha finally finished an HOUR later.

  • Mari2

    April 12, 2015

    Laila,
    Though I have converted and my parents remain Catholic they have embraced and accepted my decision to be muslim. When M and I visit, my parents make sure to cook meals that are halal. And they are not put out by it. I have muslim friends, and Catholic, and Jewish, and Hindi family members. I have many friends that adhere to a variety of faiths as does M. The cool thing is that we all can be friends, we even have fantastic religious discussions where we discover commonalities. Politics however is too contentious for discussion.

  • Gail

    April 12, 2015

    Mari2,
    Yeah it is very strange culture and yeah your husbands second wife will be treated like crap in the family.Daughter inlaws get treated like crap I don’t know why because they r the ones that do everything but that is just the way it is and your husband second wife will work her a$$ off while her SIL’s are enjoying.Pakistani woman have crappy lives living with their inlaws and most hate their MIL which from what i seen first hand I can’t blame them because they r treated like a slave basically in my opinion.

  • Gail

    April 12, 2015

    Spirited,
    I hate to here u have PCOS and yes I have it.I am very happy to here u r taking it like a trooper and not letting it get u down.Listen I have the same exact bleeding problem and honestly it totally sucks.My sex life is terrible these days for the exact reason.I have a doc appointment on the 1 and i am just unsure at this point what they r going to do with me since I can no longer take Birthcontrol pills because of my breast tumors.I been bleeding for a month straight and I am just ready to stop already.Listen they will more that likely put u on birth control pills and u will need to see if u r Insulin resistant and maybe get on metaformin.I did refuse Metaformin but may reconsider later on.As far as having children I would say if u want kids u better do sooner than later because PCOS doesn’t get any better as u get older as far as I know.Mine is getting worse as I age unfortunately so please try for your baby if u want one.
    As far as your husband if u r really ok with him then stay with him and work it out but fight for your rights.I kinda thought u were not happy so that is why i told u don’t hang around if u r unhappy because obviously the second wife has the upper hand with the baby and all if push came to shove I would assume but somehow she feels u have the upper hand since she is meddling in your business.I don’t know for the life of me why u two can’t be friends if she has that much interest in you.
    Listen unless she comes around I figure once u do have a baby and she comes to know she is going to have a crazy fit.I don’t know how this will play out in the end to be honest because she is not wanting to share hubby sadly.

  • Laila

    April 12, 2015

    Dear Ana. I have family that are Kafurs and as much grief they give me they are at the end of the day, family. I am just speaking my mind out without being a hypocrite. I believe my way of dakwah is to set a good example as a Muslim. Yes, I have read what that is written on other sites and all. Even the media paints a very terrible picture of Islam. But,I do not want to put people into boxes. I want to believe that everyone out there has some good in them. Even those nasty ones who are rejected by society. In Spiriteds case, it is not that I am not sympathising with her but her co is a mother. Ive seen for myself how women change when they become mothers. Their priorities change Ana. How sure are we that the co is really blackmailing Spiriteds husband? Spirited, no offence please. I mean what I am saying is that men generally sometimes say things to sort of appease their wives or to create a story. I love hubbs and I am sure you can detect that Ana. But I do not take his story fully when it comes to my co. In fact, I just keep quiet nowdays because based on experiences, I know the truth will prevail. One way or the other.

    I have some really good friends who are Kafurs. I do talk to them about Islam and our way of life. One or two of them are such good friends that I treat them like family. Do I not trust them? Or should I be vary? I have experienced some major setbacks too so nowdays, I do not trust anybody. I do not get too attached to anybody. But sometimes I do feel a sense of friendship with my Kafur friends. So I guess I got a bit touchy here.

  • Laila

    April 12, 2015

    Ladies, I am in no way siding anyone here. I want to speak my mind out. I am sure you will appreciate it. As much as in the past I came to all of you for support, guidance and a bit of sisterly love. My only stumbling block now is on the Kafur matter. I am feeling conflicted because Ive got family and friemds who are Kafurs. So how am I supposed to deal with this? I started with zero knowledge in Islam to now being an experienced lady. For that, I thank you all. Especially Ana and Ummof4. I strive to be the best I can be. But looking at all aspects, Kafur co-wives may have their hang ups. Yeah. But in Spiriteds case, the co has changed in her ways because she has a child now. So she feels that her bond is stronger and she has more leverage over Spirited. I know because I myself have experienced that situation. Mine however is a Muslim co. So, nowdays I try to just look at conflicts without dragging in the religious part. That is how I navigate myself and assess the situation. Well, my post was not meant to spite anyone. Just as some of you guys would say, Im just sayin ☺

  • anabellah

    April 12, 2015

    @rabiabint, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You had me cracking up laughing Giggling It’s very trying when someone leads the salat and recite a very long surah or does the salat in what seems to me like slow motion. One has to learn to have a lot of tolerance. I remember when my hubz and I were at Hajj and we went to Mount Arafat. While there we were in a tent (we went to hajj with a Pakistani group). Well, this sister prayed out loud for everyone and it was in Urdu. It was the loooooongest prayer EVER. She was praying and crying at the same time and other sisters were crying. I had no clue what was being said. It took everything in my power, EVEEERYthing to refrain from getting up and walking out of there. I was too through.

    Sometimes I find myself offering salat and I’ll remember something in the course of it that makes me chuckle. I think it’s awful. I’m sure it happens to just about everyone. LOL

  • rabiabint

    April 12, 2015

    Asa ladies..

    Long day at work but Alhumdulilah I am home. Lost my voice the last quarter of the shift… got in my car and put on my nasheed and my voice came back. Mashallah I was sing along blasting it as if it had base…lol

    I too am in no way promoting hating the Kufar. At the sametime we as muslim are to hate only what Allah hates but treat everyone with respect.

    The non muslims raising their children as they would like more power to them because in the end it is up to the husband to be an example and teach their children about his faith. If he’s not acting up on ot…knowing the day of judgement he will have to answer for the and both is wives.

    And if he’s fine with it…so be it.

    moving on.

    I didn’t know Spirited husband had a child with the co and told her to wait. That’s gut wrenching. I’m so sorry to hear that. My heart sincerely goes out to you.

    Speedy salats…. they do Crack me up I’ll still be on Al-fatiha and a sister would be in rooku by the time I say Ameen.

    I remember tell my husband ” thought I don’t want you to speed through… no long surah for fajr.” He’d laugh and say ok.

    we’d have the prepare talk. Lol.

    I remember it was tawariha prayer and the imam was reciting a long surah. This sista put her hands up and walked out. I was a little girl and I cracked up… that’s worse..try not to laugh in salat.

    my Aunty”s son would recite A had (sp) and before he start she said reciting another surah when we pray. And as soon as we say Ameen he start Kjul Allahu Ahad. She burst out not this surah again. Totally mess up salat u had to walk off because she was like don’t you know any other surah. I had tears I’m my eyes from laughing so much.

    oh Allah forgive me.

  • Mari2

    April 12, 2015

    @Gail,
    Life as a pakistani wife isn’t always great either as you know. Related or not, a new wife has to deal with crap when she moves into the home of her inlaws, even when they are her relatives. M’s wife calls him crying often. Mil and sil go to weddings and refuse to bring S. S may be a relative of those being married but mil and sil refuse to allow her to go. Sil will wear S’ s clothing though. One day S was left alone in home with a chore list while everyone else went to a wedding. When they came back, S asked to use the phone to call M. My little sil, same age as S berated her and demanded to know why she should be able to use the phone. After much tears, mil relented, and S called crying because she couldn’t understand why those who were so kind to her up to the wedding were now being so mean. I had the same question and asked M to give his lil sis what for. But M said lil sis was just because she is now above his wife and no longer equal to her as a cousin. What?

  • Mari2

    April 12, 2015

    @Gail…always grateful to you for your insight. @javeria…I so totally get what u say that regarding close quarter intimacy. Trust me, I do consider (not relish) this fact. I would very much prefer separate living arrangements. But M can be quite pushy charming about how co wives together would be easier on him. Living in my area is mega pricey rent wise. I understand that. I will say that I vacillate wildly between wanting to help him, mil, and number 2, and wishing they’d all fall in a sinkhole and leave alone.

  • anabellah

    April 12, 2015

    @ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s why I like Gail being here and most of the time I liked when Jenny was here, as well. Both Jenny and Gail are non-Muslims married to Muslim men. They both have told it like it is. They were straight forward. They said they raise their children Jewish (Jenny is Jewish and Gail inclines towards Judaism). Neither have intention to raise their children Muslim. Their husbands follow their way. It’s real.

    @Everyone,

    I want to be clear, I don’t encourage hate of non-Muslims. Allah tells us to be kind and Just to everyone. He also tells us, as rabiabint pointed out, as well, who to befriend and who not to befriend. It’s for our own good. When we do things Allah tells us not to, we do not fall under His protection.

    I can’t see how Spirited could be looked upon as being unreasonable – that anyone should see her husband’s non-Muslim wife side over Spirited’s. She is our sister-in-faith and all I’ve ever heard from her is that she wants to serve and worship Allah. All of us here are learning. Spirited is married to a Muslim man who is married to a non-Muslim Christian woman. He was involved with the woman without Spirited’s knowledge and then married her. He has a child with the Christian woman all the while telling Spirited to wait to have a child. In no way is a Believer to choose a non-believe over a believer. If her husband is favoring the other woman over Spirited, he’s got a serious situation going on. Regardless, he’s in some hot water.

    It can’t be easy at all for Spirited. Some think she should act. I used to think she should, but don’t think that way any longer. I know she can do nothing unless Allah wills it. Her inaction is because Allah willed it right now. Therefore, she should be patient, persevere and pray. Allah swt tells us to exercise patient in all that betides us. Only Allah knows what He’s doing.

  • Mari2

    April 12, 2015

    And yes M and I talked about him pulling back on hours and going to school. I’m still waiting for him to take the initiative on this. Nothing but talk from him 3 weeks later. Suggestions by me to take placement tests at local community college, or look into trade schools has come to naught. In the meantime I’m still footing all expenses here in the USA while he deals with the monetary demands (that never cease) from Pakistan.
    So, I offered. I’m willing. But if he does not take up the offer then it’s gone. But he did decrease his hours though.

  • Mari2

    April 12, 2015

    @Ana,
    No I am not offended by what u say. You say what you mean. No problem. I just want to explain to you that far as employment. ..why can’t she clean toilets? I did. M currently does. I worked at McDonald’s, I cleaned manure from calf sheds, I stacked hay bales in 100 plus heat, I worked numerous jobs during my undergraduate years, and while in grad school I worked full time and had an infant to care for too. I did what I had to do. I’ve been working fulltime since I was 14.

    As for sister wife, when M suggests courses for her to take in Pakistan once she graduates, she complains that all he cares about is money and making her get a job in America. Apparently she is of the opinion she will need no job here because M makes more money than he admits. This is not true. He cannot convince her as to the costs of living here. She cannot understand. She no longer wants an education in Pakistan. She wants to come live here and not be expected to work. She’s rather demanding of this. Hence my if she doesn’t get a job….requirement.

  • anabellah

    April 12, 2015

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I really liked the movie, “Arranged”. I thought it was a good production, very touching and cute. I got some chuckles as well and it had sad parts too. I thought the girls who played the Muslim and the Jew were very pretty and likeable. I could see myself watching the movie again.

    Spirited, I so agree with you that not many people believe in following rules, especially when it comes to Islamic rules – our way of life. Allah tells us that many people follow the lusts of their hearts. If they aren’t living Islam, they are following their desires. Allah says, who is more astray than one who follows lust. Allah clearly says a Believer should not marry an unbeliever until she or he believes even if the unbeliever is alluring or enticing. My words aren’t verbatim.

    Spirited, you made me laugh about the people who offer salat at lightning speed. I’ve been to a mosque, and have seen people do it. Others have mentioned to me that they’ve seen it, as well. I’m like, how in the world do they do it. It’s virtually impossible. There are times when I feel badly because I feel a need to offer salat quickly so I could go do something. Even in my quickest moment, it takes me a long time. I’m amazed by those who offer salat fast forward LOL.

    I believe Satan goes after Muslim rather than non-Muslims. Muslims are not on the straight path; therefore, there is no need for Satan to waste his time trying to get them off of it. They are already there. Satan’s objective is to lead those astray who are ON the mustaqueen (straight path). Non-Muslims are Satan’s agents. Satan has a job to do as do non-Muslims.

    “He said: “Because thou hast thrown me out of the way, lo! I will lie in wait for them on thy straight way:” Quran: Surah 7, ayah 16

    “Then will I assault them from before them and behind them, from their right and their left: Nor wilt thou find, in most of them, gratitude (for thy mercies).” Quran: Surah 7, ayah 17

    ”(Allah) said: “Get out from this, disgraced and expelled. If any of them follow thee,- Hell will I fill with you all.” Quran: Surah 7, ayah 18

    Spirited, you said sometimes you feel your husband is going through the motion and not really focused when it come to reading Quran or praying. You must realize that when he is in the other home, there is no Islam there – none. No one is there reminding him to offer his salat (prayers). No one is getting him up for Fajr (morning) prayer. He sees no Islam when there. She has a entirely different life than we do. When he comes to your home, he has to remember what to do and he may not want to do it, yet feel he must because of you. There may come a time he won’t want to come to your home, as he may not want to be bothered with Islam. It’s why you should let him be, and not say anything to him. Let him see you in worship and that’s it. He has already said her family is his family. He feels more of a closeness to her family. He’s all the way live…

  • ummof4

    April 12, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Ina, it’s good to hear from you. Alhamdulillah, you are sticking to your guns about communicating with your husband during the day and at any time if there is an emergency. So the “boy” is back again. Not a surprise, since we who have been around for a while know who the “boy” is. I also believe that your husband knows, but it is better for him to ignore the facts. Ina, how are you and your sons doing?

    As far as Muslim men marrying non-Muslim women, if the wives become Muslim, Alhamdulillah. If not, watch out. I have been Muslim for forty years and I do not know of any situation where the Muslim husband and non-Muslim wife reared Muslim daughters. I do know of a few instances where the sons were Muslim.

    Gail said it well; she will not rear her children as Muslims, she will not make them go to the masjid, she will not make her daughters cover. Gail is living by her beliefs and apparently it is okay with her Muslim husband. Please forgive me if I have said anything that you did not say Gail.

    May Allah guide us and help us all to serve Him in the proper way.

  • rabiabint

    April 12, 2015

    Asa

    As Ana stated..is what Allah commands us as muslims to do and stay away from. In numerous surah Allah mentions the unbelievers at the sametime once they become muslims we are to treat them closer to us that our kufar siblings.

    We as muslim need to stop feeling some kind of pity for non muslims. They have no pity for us. Mock our Prophets (saw) mock our book and even say Islamic attire.. a ruling from Allah oppressed woman…. how can I feel for them and say I can’t judge them because I don’t know what in their heart. They tell us all the time.

    we have perfect examples in the group of co wives dealing with muslim husband that chooses to wed out slide the faith…. and the fitnah that goes with it.

    Can we stop feeling some apathy for nonmuslims…and support our muslim that is dealing with the drama.

  • anabellah

    April 12, 2015

    @Laila,

    I too was a kaffir (non-Muslim) at one time and I am totally grateful to Allah for favoring me with Islam and not leaving me in disbelief. I beg to differ with you on a number of things you mentioned. You said don’t be quick to judge a non-Muslim. Why not? Allah tells us to judge. He says judge with what He has given us – the Quran. I could cite here at least eight ayat (verses) from the Quran in which Allah tells us to judge. So, Allah says judge and you say don’t?

    You are correct. We don’t know when and if Allah will open the heart of a non-Muslim. Until Allah makes the person a Muslim, I will view the person the way Allah tells me to.

    You said what they may be thinking in their hearts may be totally unknown to us. It is NOT true. Allah tells us in the Quran all about them. He tells us what is in their hearts and it’s not good. He tells us so we know what to expect from them ,so that we will beware of them. You’ve been to other blogs, Laila. You of all people should know what is in their hearts. They hate Muslims and Islam. Allah says they will never be satisfied with us unless we follow their way. Allah lets us know what is in their hearts. It kills me when people use that excuse that a person doesn’t know what is in another person’s heart. What is in the heart comes out for everyone to see who has eyes that can see. What we don’t see, Allah, out of His Mercy, tells us what is there. He tells us for a reason. He says what is in their hearts is far worse than what comes out of their mouths.

    And about the Muslim who robs people, no where did anyone say a Muslim is beyond human, and doesn’t sin. There are Muslims who fornicate, commit adultery, use drugs, rob, steal, kill etc. Muslims aren’t without sin. They do the same acts non-Muslim do. It could be a test or a punishment for them. It could be a test, so they will repent, ask His forgiveness and Mercy and draw nearer to Him. Prophet Moses (PBUH) killed a man. He repented and Allah forgave him. Being Muslim doesn’t mean a person doesn’t commit sins.

    I really don’t know how you think that Spirited’s husband having married someone who Allah tells us not to marry has nothing to do with Islam. Have you been reading here that Allah says don’t marry them? Allah says they will lead the Muslim astray. What part of that has nothing to do with Islam?

    Laila, Islam is different than any other way of life. The Quran is supposed to be our criteria. It’s like our constitution. There is no room for people’s views and opinions or whatever flys into their minds. When making judgement calls and viewing life a Muslim/believer should ask him or herself What does Allah say? What is in the Quran? It’s what Muslims should learn and live by.

  • Selma

    April 12, 2015

    Al Salam Alaikm @bibi ma sha Allah you seem very kind in your behavior to your cos I wish all the cos were like you it’s very rare that you find women like this very peaceful and considerit of there cos feelings jazak Allah khair sister bibi and May Allah bless you with his mercy

  • rabiabint

    April 12, 2015

    Asa all

    I know of sister whose husband took ahahahaha for her family but still Buddhist.
    At the sametime I read her story… interfaith marriages is the in thing.

    I learn many many people claim to be Muslim but in truth they are not. They are call munafiq. They are muslim by birth…but would side with the khufar… or some say I’m muslim but don’t practice. Usually they are the ones that out on the front of prayers celebrate Islamic holidays but will drink hit the club and worry more about their outside appearance … they will deviating from islam or add something into it…so they can say it’s ok.

    Muslims striving to be Mumin are to stay clear from them because they’ll lead them down the same path as they are going.

    I never new the name of such muslim… I would see them as being weak in deen… but no…no there’s a difference.
    Do we go around pointing out munafiq people? No

    We have to make sure we’re not one of them or associate with them.

    when I learn the term I was like wow…and they are worse than the kufar.

    I pray none of us are amongst them.

  • Laila

    April 12, 2015

    Ive been reading all about this Muslim being married to a non-Muslim and all this different points of views. Yes, once upon a time I was a “Kafur”. I converted because I was personally touched and given signs-twice, in my dreams. I felt in my heart it was my calling and I went and converted. After which Allah arranged my marriage and the rest is history. Initially I did have issues in regards to modesty, head scarves etc. But over time, with my willingness and hubbs guidance and commitment to educate me now and then, I understand Islam way better. I am not a pious Muslim but I believe my prayers, good deeds and positive attitude will benefit me. I guess what I am trying to say is this. Do not be quick to judge a non-Muslim. What they may be thinking in their hearts is totally unknown to us. Be positive. Look at the problem from the co’s perspective as well and don’t allow a sense of entitlement to bog our minds. Be humble. You never know how and when Allah will open up the hearts of the non-Muslim to find Him, and learn about Islam. Ive seen how some respected Muslims just fumble and are not even true believers. They in the name of being Muslim rob others of their money, etc. So as much as my post may come as uncalled for to some, I sincerely hope we just stop judging others. Life is a choice.

    In Spiriteds case, her husband has already made the choice. The choice to be with the other wife. I do not think it has anything to do with Islam. I just think he adores his daughter and feels that his family life is complete. He is staying on with Spirited due to his own sense of duty and obligation. If not why deny Spirited of her rights? He just had what he needs with the other wife. Spirited, I am not being mean. I just hope you realize that Gail is right. Your child bearing years will not last forever. Better act fast if you want to start a family.

    I just feel that some comments made are a bit too extreme to me, hence my silence. Sorry, but this is how I feel in my heart. Lets not carried away with fast judgements.

  • rabiabint

    April 12, 2015

    Asa sisters of the Islam and alaik to non muslims.

    So here we have both sides of he spectrum. Husband’s married to muslim and a kufar. It is interesting to see the views.

    I won’t lie I was offended when one of the Wan call Islamic attire oppressive. But to each his and her own. The husband are to be the an of their home and his family are to learn from Jim but if he’s wishy washy in his faith how can he be a mentor or guide to jis family.

    I remember this so called Muslim brother wanted me to be his second wive. His first wife wasn’t muslim and Christian by name

    I reeled him out. You want me to be second to a non muslim? A Kufar…. not going to happen. Of course 3 yeara later they divorced… because she was making partner and didn’t want him to take her momeu. Even though he told her in islam he can’t. She lied on him and everything…really dirty
    He disobeyed his mother to marry her.
    I was like wow…we only disobey our parent if they tell us to not follow Islam. You choose a non muslim over your mother and now you ask me to go along with you n your madness. Not happening. If you can’t respect your mother’s wishes how can you respect mine.

    Yes muslim men that marry non muslim are astray. Inshallah they will wake up and see… Fearing Allah is better than the cookie of an unbelieving woman.

    Allahu Allim
    ….

  • Spirited

    April 12, 2015

    Salaam all,

    @Ana it’s good you like my long posts lol. I’ve actually seen that “arranged” movie some time ago! But I don’t remember it leaving much of an impression on me. :( I think I considered it just “ok” in the end. How did it seem to you after you finished it all?

    Oh definitely, some men marry again for lustful reasons and don’t give any thought to the woman’s faith. Shoot, plenty marry non-Muslims as a first wife now-a-days. There’s even been recent cases of Muslim women “marrying” non-muslim men by finding a sheik or imam who is “forward-thinking” or “modern-minded.” I think the most recent one I read about was some mosque in South Africa that is doing this for the Muslim women there under the rationale that Islam is a religion of fairness and equality, so if men can marry non-Muslims, so can women. Not many people care about following the rules. It’s more about bending or “re-interpreting” or “modernizing” Islam to suit their desires. Instead of changing themselves to suit Allah, let’s just do what the other religions did and change the rules. Plenty of Muslim-in-name-only out there now. I wouldn’t be surprised if somewhere they come up with making haram food ok to eat. Come to think of it, don’t arabs already do that? Or was that Turkish people? They say oh don’t worry, just say Allah’s name over the food before you eat and it will be Halal. Right, you go ahead and do that. Morons.

    Also I remembered a few things I didn’t address lol

    @Rabiabint, thank you for your input, I didn’t think your post was harsh at all. Someone I respect recently mentioned how she thinks shaytan is going after Muslims more because the rest are already firmly in his grasp so he doesn’t need to spend any effort on them. its sad that Muslims are giving in to the evil so easily. That was an interesting viewpoint to me. I think we have to keep ourselves safe from shaytan, trust in Allah, & be on top of doing the best we can to follow the rules to not be led astray.

    I think you have a point as to my husband having this internal battle. Only Allah knows for sure. He’s been better about prayers & learning from Quran, but sometimes I think it’s like he’s not really focusing or just going through the motions. That’s not just him though, lots of Muslims are like that these days. Like, have you seen the ones who do the namaaz (prayer) at lightning speed? I’m like, dude there is NO way you were able to recite Surah Al-Fatiha THAT fast! Did you mumble your way through or skip half of it? sheesh. Sometimes I’m literally just starting that part of the Namaaz & the person I’m next to is in sujood already lol. Take your time, you’re speaking directly to Allah & should be respectful at least. It’s almost like “nope, things to do, places to be” lol . Sometimes I just have to laugh because I have times when I too feel like I have to finish quick & get back to what I was doing, but never have finished prayer quite that fast. Anyways, thank you for your input :)

    @Gail, I just realized I forgot to address a point you spoke of. When my husband said he doesn’t want to be an absent father, he meant for any future children. He kicks himself for already not being around enough for the one he has now and hates how his 2nd wife manipulates the kid’s sleep schedule so she’s asleep when he’s available to play with her. I asked him to drop the job he picked up over there so he could spend all the time he has with her but he said he’d rather work than deal with his 2nd wife all day, even if that means missing time playing with the kid. He said he still gets time with his kid, but he doesn’t want the same kind of hectic-ness for ours. I’m not sure what kind of solution he’s thinking to aim for. I told him this is just the way it is in polygamy unless everyone lives together or near each other and it’s the man’s job to make the logistics of it work. So if we are going to stay separately in different states like now, then he will just have to be a “part-time dad,” nothing can be done about that (as far as I can see).

    I think another big thing on his mind is how my family is still hounding him to “choose one or the other.” That’s practically the only thing they ever say to him. They say him keeping 2 wives is an insult to their honor or something like that (I don’t really understand this). He constantly says this isn’t a choice he can make because he cant lose either wife for different reasons. I told him that as far as I’m concerned, im not asking him to make a choice, just to not let his 2nd wife affect OUR marriage. This is what he’s trying to work on, so he says. Anywho, thought I should write about what I forgot to cover

    Do I make sense? Maybe a little unrealistic? I’m taking it one step at a time, not thinking too far in the future because I could be dead tomorrow. That’s the way the ball bounces . Talk to you ladies later :D

  • Bibi

    April 12, 2015

    Oh Selma I forgot to answer your question. First co has four older kids and second has two

  • Bibi

    April 12, 2015

    Javeria do you live with your co wife?

  • Bibi

    April 12, 2015

    Selma as salaamu alaikum. I held in a lot out of respect for them. How could someone feel comfortable speaking of baby plans as a result of baby making with a husband that is also a husband to two other women. It’s uncomfortable and I’m a very shy person as it is. I’m closer to my first co so she was more accepting she told people about it saying she hoped I had a boy and she could tell I was having a boy due to the roundness of my Prego belly at the time. I put myself in their shoes more often then a little bit I could probably not handle that. I think we’re all strong in our own way.

  • javeria

    April 12, 2015

    @mari2

    Living in a situation where you can hear each other,let alone see, is difficult and can be very hurtful to you.It can also make you alil crazy! I think there have been plenty of nights when ive put the tv up ridiculously loud because I was paranoid about what id hear lol. You think it wouldnt be that bad, but when u actually are sure of an instance of ur husband banging another woman, it sticks with you. There are pros to living together and like bibi said,it gets easier. But u have to be sure, that it wont cause more harm than good, you and everyone involved are compatible for such an arrangement and that you yourself can handle it. Regarding your co, just because she is young doesnt mean she is iincapable. Help her instead of pressuring her.It may cost you a little now,but in the long run you’ll both be better off. I feel for you both, but I agree with ana in that your co needs to be told and needs to be able to include her input on these decisions that also affect her life. Thats just my 2 cents.hope it helps!

  • javeria

    April 12, 2015

    Assalaamualaikum everyone

    Sorry for the delayed response. Things are a little hectic, dont know whether im coming or going atm lol. Still trying to catch up on everyones comments. I figured I should respond in stages, toooooo much to put in 1 post!

    @rabiabint I dont know the belief concept behind Mormon polygamy. But it is sad that they ‘do it better’ for lack of better words lol.I think the issue with muslims in polygamy is that it is muslims who often are behind the demonising of the practice.I know in this country, its like theres something wrong with you if you do it.people talk about you like you have 2 heads or something. When I got married many peoples first reaction was “why would you settle?” and why would you put yourself through that. As if I was doing something awful. Even in my husbands family.there are 4 cases of poly just in his immediate family. The first wives have accepted it.yet when someone gets married they are first to say dont do it! His nephew got married and they all warned him they wouldn’t be happy if he did it to his wife.like it would be better if he went n slept around on the sly! I dont understand that mentality. Like its ok in certain cases n not in others?I think then you havent truly accepted or you’ve done it for the wrong reasons If a person can be saying that. And then people hear that and say see polygamy is bad even the people in it dont want it. Ive never heard of a Mormon saying they hate it or they dont want it or whatever.but muslims feel like they can pick what of the deen they want to like.such nonsense.

    @ bibi and ana
    Im totally unashamed of the order I married in alhamdulillah.I did nothing wrong.but when u tell people they automatically form a n opinion or ask u ridiculous questions or sometimes even go on the attack.I have no time for that so I am selective about who I speak about it with.I still get people who I havent seen for a while come up to me and be prying and quizzing.its too tiresome lol n it gets very hard to not respond badly.

    @ ana
    Regarding the women who dislike their co’s because they never liked polygamy….its common practice here. People see you at a function and theyre like ooh thats the SECOND. Then they come up to u and smile n then go to your co and sympathise.makes me nuts! My own sister in law was doing it just yesterday. We had a dinner at my mother in laws and she was saying how she has nothing to do with ‘that woman’ and blah blah, making the woman sound like an evil toad. So i just said, you arent obliged to be her friend.bit u r obliged to respect her if for no other reason than her being a fellow Muslim.n u wudnt be sitting and speaking like this of any of us so how is she different? It was a little brutal I know,but it just annoyed me! Thats another reason I love this blog.I come here from all the hating to see its not always fire n stone like these women make it seem lol.gives me strength, but its also making me less tolerant of the stupidity lol.

  • anabellah

    April 12, 2015

    @Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s so nice having you stay around for a while. I’ve missed reading your posts. I finished watching the movie on Netflix about the Christian who was engaged to marry a Muslim. I think the title was, “May in the Summer.” I wouldn’t recommend it. It was a useless movie. I saw another one though about two girls – one Muslim and the other Jewish who were dealing with arranged marriages. I’m almost finished watching it and I like it a lot. The name is “Arranged”. It gives good insight into arranged marriages.

    Spirited, you said, your take is “the muslim men should be able to see clearly that these mixed religion marriages are causing more problems, and serious problems that even affect matters of faith, compared to a same-religion marriage.”

    I’m going to look at it from an Islamic perspective. Men who disobey Allah and marry women who Allah clearly lets us know they shouldn’t marry CAN’T SEE beyond their own desires. They can’t see because they are ruled by desire. They are some of the “deaf”, “dumb” and “blind” that Allah speaks of in the Holy Quran. They only see their own desires. They don’t fear Allah and they don’t care about Allah. If they feared Allah and cared about what Allah says they would not have done it. It’s plain and simple. They think what they do is okay. They see nothing wrong with it. Allah says Satan makes their acts seem fair-seeming.

    The Muslim men who marry non-Muslim women are already astray. They had no faith when they married the women. No, they can’t see. Of course people who love those men who do such a thing are not thinking about what Allah says either, but are ruled by emotions. They think there are exceptions to the rule. No, not my husband, they say. Yes, your husband, way. We can’t go about making excuses for these men. We can’t blame the non-Muslim women they went and got. The woman didn’t put a gun to their heads and forced them to marry them. The women aren’t believers so why expect them to think and behave like one? Women have to stop thinking emotionally and start knowing what Allah says and EXCEPTING it as TRUTH and real. The only way a Muslim woman who is married to such a man will fall under Allah’s protection from the man is if she realizes what she is dealing with and not deny it. She can’t fall asleep. It’s important to believe what Allah tells us. It is what “belief” is about.

  • Spirited

    April 11, 2015

    Salaam,

    Hey all, how is everyone’s weekend going? Today, I ended up watching a few Air Disaster documentaries with my dad, lol. It was only later that it occurred to me “why am I watching this with a flight coming up?” hoo boy

    The discussion about muslim men marrying non-muslims is interesting. My take is, the muslim men should be able to see clearly that these mixed religion marriages are causing more problems, and serious problems that even affect matters of faith, compared to a same-religion marriage. I mean, even if someone wants to argue about the “people of the book” meaning or whatever, the many experiences should be enough of a wake-up call, I would think. Well, I’m not a man, so what do I know about how they think, lol. Though that reminds me, if anyone knows someone who has undergone sex-reassignment hormone therapy, its fascinating what they say. Women who take testosterone say their feelings were “stronger” (question: “stronger how?” answer: “stronger like…like angry, and more impatience too, for me anyway.”), they feel more aggressive, more “take-charge,” they get annoyed by sitting around talking the way they used to, and the increased libido makes them want to plow practically every woman they see. One woman who was doing the hormone therapy remarked that she (or he, I guess) wished every woman could do this to get a glimpse into the male mind and how powerful the feelings are. Also, there’s an interesting documentary about Chaz Bono and his experiences on Netflix right now covering that, if anyone is interested. I think he had/is having similar experiences.

    @Ina, sorry to hear about “the boy” persona STILL existing, lol. I’m kind of surprised that is still going on. I would say to block that email, but there’s always morbid curiosity. That, and I think you might be getting some good insight into the woman and even some useful info from these messages, so…I dunno. lol. I agree with Ana on the rest for sure. You haven’t done anything outlandish from what I can see, so why worry? Again, how effective things are depend on the husband. You can only do so much on your end.

    @Gail, hey you! Glad to see you’re still popping in from time to time.
    I get what you’re saying and I’ve spoken about this with many people offline during the time I’ve been busy away from here. The thing is, 2 of the 3 big problems I had before with his attitude and behavior are resolved. His attitude is good, and the money issue is going well. He’s even paying for my trip plus spending money (and you know wedding/party things are not cheap in Pakistan). The only thing left is having a child, which he hasn’t said “no way” but instead its a “please let me sort things out with her.” Will this sorting things out ever happen? I don’t know. If it doesn’t, you know what, maybe I’m not meant to have my own child and I can always adopt. There’s lots of children who need a loving home. Gail, I recently found out I have PCOS, and I think you have it as well, right? I went to get some tests done for unexplained bleeding after intercourse which was getting really annoying. I mean to the point that we’d be intimate one day then I’m bleeding for a week, and then like my period would start and that’s more days of not-open-for-business, ugh reeeeeaaallly annoying lol. The gyn noticed there was something odd about my ovaries and said I could see a local fertility specialist who is really great. The specialist said I don’t have too many of the classic symptoms of PCOS and even the blood tests were only borderline, but the multiple follicles could be seen clearly on ultrasound. He says with the typical meds (metformin, clomid), it shouldn’t be a problem because tests show that the eggs I have are healthy, body responds well to baseline medicine tests, etc. Endometriosis was also checked for and ruled out. (we did get the bleeding post-intercourse problem solved by the way).

    When I found out about the PCOS, I felt really really low, and my parents said it was because I took so long to get married and so I brought this on myself but my husband never blamed me once. He never said “oh it’s your fault we haven’t had a baby” or anything like that, and, you might know, is very common for Pakistani men to start hating or blaming the wife. I admit that for a bit before he revealed his affair, I had been mean to him, saying that he might be sterile because some of his male family are, and he would just laugh obviously because he had already got a kid on the way. But, to his credit, he never threw that back at me when we now found out it was me with the problem. I do appreciate that because I was pretty arrogant when I thought the shoe was on the other foot. It may not seem like my husband is worth it because when I speak about him here, I’m only discussing the problems, but he makes me laugh, he’s sweet & romantic, he really understands who I am (even more than my parents), appreciates me and boosts me up. He’s gotten himself into a mess and he’s trying to sort it out as best as his ego will let him. Another thing is that my sciatica worries him about me becoming pregnant. About the sciatica, I get intense pain from the lower back down my right leg and I can’t move — literally paralyzed and in pain. This started in my teens and no one I’ve seen so far knows why. My spine looks normal, nothing wrong with the vertebrae or discs. . It only happens if I’m in a straight position too long without bending at the hip (like standing up too long without sitting, or sleeping straight). If it starts, I know if I sit down, I’m not going to be able to get up again until awhile after the pain goes away. That used to be a major pain when I was doing hospital rotations for my vascular degree. I would just avoid sitting the entire day because I had to be on the move constantly either going to patient rooms or doing procedures on walk-ins and then when it was time to go home, I’d end up paralyzed in the car for 30 mins — 1 hour before I could control my leg to drive. In any case, he worries about me but I tell him not to worry and let’s just give it a shot. Only God knows what will happen, no sense worrying without even trying, right? So I’m of the mind, “let’s see if he can sort out whatever issues with his non-muslim wife” Some days I worry, some days I don’t. Its strange.

    Gail, thank you also for your insight into if I would like a career or not. Its true I enjoy the “home-y” things very much, the support role and such. But you know what, the world isn’t like it used to be. Women HAVE to have a career these days, not to be greedy, but for their own safety. If I hadn’t listened to my parents to leave for arranged marriage preparations when I graduated, I WOULD have had a job in something I enjoyed (at one of the hospitals that I rotated at). I was one of the top 3 students in our class and the hospital scouted me even before I graduated. But I had to go to Pakistan, so I had to reject the job. When I got back, the economy had tanked. No jobs, my state was in a hiring freeze. By the time jobs came back in my field, I was stuck in the “you don’t have recent experience. can’t get experience because can’t get hired” cycle. So, I thought lets try something ambitious (med school). Well, no luck yet with that, but I’m not giving up. No harm, no foul. I’ve thought about re-doing the degree, but that is again, a lot of money and time to possibly end up in the same position of no jobs (my state has the most graduates in the profession in the tri-state area and its extremely hard to find anything here even now). People say to move out west to the middle of nowhere to find jobs in that field but I’m not ready for that, lol.

    Thank you for clarifying what I am already thinking about my husband’s kid and non-muslim wife. I don’t know what he thinks he can do, but that’s his issue I guess. You guys already know, our arrangement is separate wives — I don’t care to know anything of what goes on there, though she’s sure not stopping sticking her nose in my business. Whatever, “haters gonna hate”

    Ana, Gail and everyone else. Once again, thank you as always for your concern and looking out for me. Sometimes, the warning signs are there but you take the path anyway. You might find out the path was a dead end after all. Or, you might find out the warning signs were a false alarm and the path was passable, even if it took a little extra work. Not sure where I’m headed, but even if things end between my husband and I, its not the end of the world and I’ll always have the great friends I’ve made here I know I always say it, but “let’s see what happens.” I should make that my catch-phrase. OH and please don’t assume I have a poor opinion of myself right now because of the PCOS. I’m optimistic about that. More worried about the school/job thing to be honest, lol. Oh and the upcoming flight…stupid airplane disaster documentaries…darn you Netflix! lol

    Anywho, I’ll talk to you guys again. Sorry for the extra-wordiness and probably too much information, lol. ‘night everyone~ do keep me in your prayers and that I have a safe flight =O

  • Bibi

    April 11, 2015

    Ina why don’t you email the boy who appears to be your co and tell her you are well aware of who she is and she needs to Fear Allah and let her know you are changing your email address. She’s putting her jealousy on front street by showing you how miserable your mere existence is consuming her. She needs to take all that negative energy and distinguish it. And focus on ALLAH and gaining His Pleasure. You shouldn’t say anything to your husband it would just cause problems between you two. It will backfire. Just let your immature co destroy herself.

  • Ina

    April 11, 2015

    Ana, you maybe right that hubby suspects that cowife could be the boy but does not want to admit it. So he is only looking for details that may prove this boy is someone else. He mentioned he saw an email the boy sent to cowife on her phone as if to say this boy must exist elsewhere. I gave him an example of how I could set up an email account and sent emails to my other email account that I access on my phone. I did not go as far as saying as the boy could be cowife. I just pointed out how I could make up an admirer to send me emails.

  • Ina

    April 11, 2015

    LOL I have missed the word not so many times! I remember writing a paper when i used to work in a bank and the conclusion was to say the numbers did not prove…. But I missed out the word not. The paper was distributed before I spotted the mistake. Luckily, the explanation did make it clear and implied the word not should be there.

  • anabellah

    April 11, 2015

    Ina, I totally understood what you meant. In fact, although the “NOT” wasn’t there, I thought it was. My eyes deceived me LOL

  • anabellah

    April 11, 2015

    Yep, Ina, it’s crapamola. I don’t blame you. If you need your husband, call him. Darn tootin. The heck with her not liking it. He is your husband. Too bad he can’t get her in check. It’s not your problem. As you stated, you don’t call him to aggravate him or to disturb him during their private time. The day time is his to do whatever Allah allows him to do. As long as he caters to her and babys her, the longer he will have to deal with the nonsense. You’re his wife. You don’t have to sneak around to communicate with your husband because his other woman doesn’t like it. He is a polygamous husband and you are his wife the same as she. She needs to get it through her thick skull that her marriage is not monogamous.

  • Ina

    April 11, 2015

    I missed out the word ‘not’ in my last post. I am NOT going to get someone else to call hubby when I need to talk to him about work.

  • anabellah

    April 11, 2015

    @Ina,

    You’ve got the right approach. Don’t dare try to get your husband to see that it’s your co who is acting as “the boy”. Your hubby will deny it till the end of time unless he actually catches her red handed in the act. The reason he’ll deny it is: 1) He doesn’t want to believe her capable of such acts 2) He know that if it’s her and he knows it, he will have to do something about it.

    He doesn’t want the aggravation of having to take action about the matter. So no matter how you try to bang it into his head that it’s her, it won’t penetrate.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if he already suspects it’s her and he just doesn’t want to deal with it one way or another. It makes no sense that a man would know another man is in love with his one wife and is harassing his other wife, but won’t do anything about it. It leads me to believe your husband simply doesn’t want to face reality about it.

    My gut feeling tells me it’s definitely her (but there is no proof) and it really doesn’t matter. Your co doesn’t have the courage to come at you directly; therefore, she has created this imaginary person – “the boy” to do it. What it should show you is that she is terribly agonized by you being married to the man who she is married to. She doesn’t realize that each time “the boy” contacts you, she reveals to you how tormented she is in her polygamous marriage and she can find no peace. She is only harming herself, but doesn’t realize it. Poor thang…

    About she not being ok when you are ok, I remember when I first became Muslim I read (I think it was a Hadith or another Islamic book – but NOT Quran)
    “When one co-wife is happy, the other co-wife is sad.” When it happens, the wives probably have conflicting desires. When the husband satisfies one wife’s desires, the other wife desires aren’t being fulfilled. It causes an imbalance.

    If all the wives were “believers”, they would accept whatever the circumstances were. All praise is due to Allah under all conditions and circumstances. All the wives would be content with Allah decisions whatever Allah decided.

  • Ina

    April 11, 2015

    Last week I had to call hubby about work whilst he was with co-wife. I sent him 2 text msgs first but did not get a reply so had to call. I spoke to him for less than a minute. He then text me saying next time I should get someone else to call him instead. I told that was ridiculous and I am going to do that. BTW, I called him in the afternoon and not at night time and I gave him an hour to respond to my text msg before calling.

    A few days ago, she called hubby whilst we were at the park with our kids. Hubby wouldn’t answer her call but instead ask our eldest to answer it in case it was an emergency. No emergency, she was just upset because she didn’t get to talk to hubby for the usual 2 hours when he is with me. Hubby usually calls her when he is doing the kid’s school runs but it’s the school holidays now. She knows this but still wants him to call her. So it’s ok for them to talk for hours when it’s my days but it’s not ok for me to call for a minute to talk about work!

  • Ina

    April 11, 2015

    @ Ana, it’s funny how when I am ok, co-wife is not. I can usual tell because the ‘boy’ starts to email me again. Out of the blue he sends me an email telling me about a cybersex tape and threatens to tell my parents. He then gives me my parents home phone number as if to prove that he could do it if he wanted to. Am I surprised that he knew my parents phone number? No, not really. A week prior to this email, co-wife called my house number when she could not get through on hubby’s phone. Hubby said he never gave her the number so she must gotten it from his phone. He said she used to spend quite a long time going through his phone to check up on him.

    I asked hubby how he thought the boy got my parents number? He replied that the boy is clever and somehow got it from the internet or asked a PI or even got it from the Jinns. I asked him why this boy is still harassing me and trying to break our marriage. He replied that his boy hates polygamy and hates hubby so is trying to destroy his marriages by hurting me (and wooing co-wife). I thought about telling hubby about my theories of the boy but I don’t think it’s going to get us anywhere except for a big argument.

  • anabellah

    April 11, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & hello to all the wonderful ladies and gents here

    @Bibi,

    You have a wonderful weekend too, my friend :-)

    @alison,

    It’s soooo good to hear from you. You’ve got the right attitude. Leave him be about the situation with the other. He probably appreciates the way you’re handling the matter. The last thing he wants now is for you to nag him with a lot of questions about what’s going on. He’s under stress enough probably with just trying to sort things out. In the mean time, enjoy your monogamous marriage

  • alison

    April 11, 2015

    Hey Asalam aleikum beautiful ladies…hope all’s well. Been so busy but pay the blog a visit am living a kinda monogamy life for the last 3months don’t know know why hubby moved out of co but it is not my business and I don’t ask however he goes visiting during daytime
    love you all take care and to the newbies welcome even though it is belated

  • anabellah

    April 11, 2015

    @Dear Gail,

    Thank you for putting it out there to Spirited and to the rest of us about the way it is. You are a non-Muslim woman married to a Muslim man. You said no way no how will you raise to be Muslim your children, nor your husband’s children that you have adopted and are currently raising, as well. It is totally logical and makes absolute sense. It is what Muslim are informed of in the Holy Quran.

    In Spirited’s case, I don’t foresee her husband leaving the non-Muslim wife or living fairly and justly with Spirited. His EXCUSE for remaining with the woman is the child. The child is not going anywhere in the foreseeable future, unless Allah seizes the child’s soul.

    I think things would be able to work for Spirited and her husband if he was fair and just with her with regard to his time, finances, and acted as a husband, even though he has another wife. I doubt her husband will see any time, now or later, as the right time for Spirited to have a child.

    Spirited needs to pray for guidance from Allah as to what to do in this matter, as it’s not looking good for her at all.

  • anabellah

    April 11, 2015

    @rabiabint,

    I only know that when the Muslim man marries the non-Muslim the marriage will not be successful and the Muslim will, without a doubt, and with no exception, go astray. The Muslim no longer falls under the protection of Allah. Allah has warned us that it would happen. There is no question about it that the unbeliever will lead the believer astray.

    In the case in which the Muslim is married to a non-Muslim and to a Muslim woman, as well, the Muslim woman has to stay on her Ps and qs at all times. She has to turn her attention away from her husband. It can be done. Pharoah’s wife did it. She was a believer married to Pharoah. She is mentioned in the Holy Quran. Allah says:

    “And Allah sets forth, as an example to those who believe the wife of Pharaoh: Behold she said: “O my Lord! Build for me, in nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden, and save me from Pharaoh and his doings, and save me from those that do wrong”; Quran: Surah 66, ayah 11

    No harm can come to a believer from one who strays, if she stays on the straight path. Allah says:

    “O ye who believe! Guard your own souls: If ye follow (right) guidance, no hurt can come to you from those who stray. the goal of you all is to Allah: it is He that will show you the truth of all that ye do.” Quran: Surah 5, Ayah 105

    The Muslim wife has to distance herself from her husband who is married to the non-Muslim. She has to turn her attention away from him.

    Allah says: “Turnest thou not thy attention to those who turn (in friendship) to such as have the Wrath of Allah upon them? They are neither of you nor of them, and they swear to falsehood knowingly.” Quran: 58:14

  • Gail

    April 11, 2015

    Spirited,
    I think to be honest your husband has said alot to u without u maybe not realizing it he said he don’t want to be an absent father but that is exactly what he is with his own child.I think u now realize u r always going to put on the back burner and an afterthought because his heart is with his child and that just the truth in it and he has made that very clear by not wanting to have children with u and keeps putting u off when u r in your 30s.I don’t think u really want a career at all also.I think u have always desired to be a loving devoted wife and mother and that is your true calling but instead u got your husband.I get that u love him but he really doesn’t fit YOUR life picture.It really doesn’t matter that he is your husband when he has another wife and CHILD and u have nothing nor does he have any desire to make u a mother understand.Also that woman has no intentions of ever accepting u.Bottom line your husband made his choice the day he got her pregnant and married her.I agree with your husband u r in this self hate mold and u r lashing out at him and being aggressive because u know you are not living the life u desire.
    I can’t tell u what to do but I will be honest in your case it seems to me u r wasting your time on a man that is not physically or emotionally available to u and that is unacceptable.I hope u don’t wait to much longer to cut him loose yourself before you waste your childbearing years.I know and understand your fear but unless he is going to be a husband to u and give u children and full fill your desires and not just his own I would let him go and move on with the life I desire.Your husband will never be the man u want because he is mixed up with a nonmuslim woman and has nonmuslim children.I doubt his wife will let their daughter raise the child as a muslim I know my children our not being raised as muslims nor would I allow my daughter to be covered up etc.I am raising them with high morals and self respect but also as normal American kids and that means my daughter does where bathing suites and shorts and enjoys her life.I don’t see any truth in your husband acting nonmuslim with his nonmuslim wife then coming and acting muslim with u as far as Allah is concerned because he is straddling the fence and that serves no purpose so not sure what role u think u r playing in his life religiously or hoping to achieve when he has a child that will not be raised Muslim.I would not even be shocked if his nonmuslim wife blackmails him and tells him to get rid of u and he can raise the child muslim.She would never have the child be muslim know matter how much your husband says the child will be raised muslim because nonmuslim woman DO NOT want their daughters wearing scarfs or burqas.To a non muslim woman they would see it as degrading for their daughter.I went through this with my own cowife because she wanted the kids to go to mosque and for my daughter to wear her head covered etc.. obviously I was like NO… not going to happen as I was brought up in a feminist environment so everything in me screams NOOO anything but that.I am not against any woman that wants to do it but I don’t want it forced on my daughter.When she is an adult and she would like to choose Islam and follow it and keep her head covered then it will be her choice to make although knowing my daughters mentality I really would be shocked if she went in that direction to be honest.I wish u the best as I was in your situation myself accept I vice versa as I was the nonislamic wife.lol

  • Selma

    April 11, 2015

    @bibi Alaikum Al Salam I wanted to ask you about what you said about pregnancy why do you have to keep your happiness down turned when u r pregnant I know you said out of respect but do they not have children of there own I mean your cos?

  • rabiabint

    April 11, 2015

    Asa Ladies
    @ Ana

    You are right we cannot say they aren’t married but if Allah mention in detail whom a muslim man is to marry.. as it Will be recognized in HIS EYES and he goes against it… is he not than committing sin? And you are right… the Jews n Christian of this time aren’t those mentioned in Quran.

    Allahu Allim. I pray the Sister husband wake up and realize what he has and what he could lose.

  • anabellah

    April 11, 2015

    Hello Gail,

    Fatima was here and she asked about you. I let her know of all the exciting things that have been happening in your life and that you are still with us.

    I’m glad you replied to Mari2’s situation. There is another commentator who stopped in (Safiya) who sounds to me that she’s married to a Pakistani man based on what she shared with us. I tried to link to her post, but I can’t seem to do it anymore.

  • Gail

    April 11, 2015

    Mari2,
    I read your post and since u r much older than your cowife as she is a child on one hand I can see it working but on the other hand maybe not.It will all depend if she grows attached to u or not and Gosh I am just not so sure and then u throw your meddling MIL in the mix that wants her son to get rid of u makes me think it will be a disaster because MIL is going to order her to make your life HELL to get rid of u is my sincere thinking and your husband knows this without a doubt.I don’t know what crap he is trying to pull but I think there is a snake loose here Be very Careful u don’t get bit!

  • anabellah

    April 11, 2015

    So, the bottom line is, it doesn’t matter whether the non-Muslim “Christian” or “Jew” who lives today is chaste or not, she or he is not a person a Muslim is authorized to marry.

    I wouldn’t say the Muslim is committing adultery in being married to the woman. They are married. He is just married to someone Allah tells us not to marry. The person has disobeyed Allah. The person is on his way to destruction. When the man or woman is married to a non-Muslim, the man or woman basically is playing both sides. He is a hypocrite. When he is with the one wife, he says, I’m with you. When he is with his other wife, he says, I’m with you. He straddles the fence and plays both side. My understanding is the hypocrite will be in the deepest part of the Fire.

  • anabellah

    April 11, 2015

    @rabiabint, As Salaamu Alaikum

    You are correct that a Muslim who marries someone Allah tells us not to marry has a serious problem. The person will lead the Muslim astray from the path of Allah. The one thing I need to mention is that a Muslim who lives after the prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received the revelation is only permitted to marry a Muslim. Once Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was given the revelation, everyone is expected to accept Islam/the Quran. Otherwise, there would have been no purpose for him to have received the revelation. The Quran is for all men (mankind) and all times.

    The “Christians” and the “Jews” of today are not “People of the Book”. They did not receive and do not follow the original “Torah” or “Gospel”. What they follow totally goes against the teachings of Islam. What reason would there be for a man to marry such a person other than to fulfill his desires?

    I’ve already written a post about the topic: https://www.polygamy411.com/muslim-men-marry-christian-or-jewess/

    In reading the Quran and not only the ayat (verses) you cited, but various ayat, one will get to know who the people of the Book” are. They aren’t: “Jews” and “Christian” who live today.

    You mentioned it in your post as well when you said, “those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time

    When the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was living there were people who were following the Torah and the Scripture. The Torah and the Scripture at that time had the same message in it that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received. Prophet Moses (PBUH) and Prophet Jesus (PBUH) had received the same message that Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received. It’s why Allah tells us to believe in ALL of His Prophets and ALL of His Books that are mentioned in the Holy Quran. It was one and the same message.

  • Bibi

    April 11, 2015

    As salaamu alaikum all. InshaAllah you all will have a blessed weekend. Love to all my lovely sisters

  • rabiabint

    April 11, 2015

    As Salaamu Aliakum Sisters,

    I am going to be a little Raw.

    1. Muslim men can only marry a woman of the book that is practicing and is Chaste.
    “Made lawful to you this day are At‑Tayyibaat [all kinds of Halaal (lawful) foods, which Allaah has made lawful (meat of slaughtered eatable animals, milk products, fats, vegetables and fruits)]. The food (slaughtered cattle, eatable animals) of the people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians) is lawful to you and yours is lawful to them. (Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time when you have given their due Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage), desiring chastity (i.e. taking them in legal wedlock) not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking them as girlfriends”

    [al-Maa’idah 5:4]

    @Spirited
    Whom your husband wed isn’t in accordance to Quran or the Sunnah… Therefore he is still committing adultery. She wasn’t chaste when they got married and she’s not amongst people of the book. Based on her actions- She’s a Khufar and she’d doing what she’s meant to do- cause destruction and pull Muslims away from their deen. Do you and focus on your faith…and inshallah your husband can see clearly… She’s no good. Anyone that can turn a Muslim away from his or family and his/ her faith is up to no good… Also it show the level of faith that person has. Shaytan look for those weak in faith and will confuse them…stress them out whisper things to make them go even more distant.

    Maybe the reason your husband doesn’t want to divorce you, because you’re his nur and attachment to Islam. he knows that if you two divorce he will get swallowed up by the world of desire. He’s non-muslim wife is a product of his desire and you are of his faith… He has a real battle within himself. Just have patience- keep doing what you are doing… Don’t question your marriage anymore… focus on Allah (SWT) enjoy the festival at his family home and inshallah your husband will see that you and his family are true gift from Allah and inshallah will aid him to Jennah as this other woman will only aid him to the hell-fire.

    OK OK OK I know I went a little deep… and some may get upset but I’m not going to lie or play on words… What I posted is from Quran… to many muslim men marry Khufar women who aren’t stated above because they follow their desire and only read the first sentence. My teacher went further and said the only time a Muslim men are to wed a Khufar woman that is of the Book is if there are NO MUSLIMAH around at all. And in today’s time there are plenty of single muslim women whom they are to wed. those that goes against the Quran are following their Nafs… they need to FEAR Allah.

    I love you all for the sake of Islam…

    As Salaamu Alaikum

  • Bibi

    April 11, 2015

    Ana as salaamu alaikum. What you stated above is true. May ALLAH bless you

  • anabellah

    April 11, 2015

    You said you believe what was written will come to pass. Well then you’d believe that if a man sits on his derriere with his feet up on the table, Allah wrote that he’d do it, and wouldn’t question it.

    I don’t believe many polygamous men sit on their butts and not try to provide for their families. They do what they can. I never read any where that Allah said polygamy is only for wealthy men.

    The men should get their wives and know Allah will give him the means to care for his family. Allah says He Provides in ways that we know not. He says we don’t know what He has in store for us on the morrow. We either believe what He says or we don’t.

  • anabellah

    April 11, 2015

    @Bibi,

    That response is common, yet I doubt anyone sits around with feet up on a table, waiting for something to drop from the sky unless he or she is a mentally deranged person or a lazy bum.

    To believe that Allah provides is a difficult concept to explain . Allah says he Provides. He says it through out the entire Quran. I believe Him. I know what He means. I can’t give anyone else understanding.

    Most people rely on themselves and believe in themselves. It’s where they go wrong. Everything Allah says has a meaning to help and guide us in life. There is not much more I can say about it.

    To have peace and contentment in this life one must believe what Allah says. Furthermore, Allah says we get what we strive for, meaning this world or Jannah, not a job, spouse, house, children or whatever.

  • Bibi

    April 10, 2015

    Ana your post with the funny emoticon of someone getting the boot is too funny.

    I understand what you said about ALLAH being the provider. What is written for us will not pass us by. Still husbands should try. They shouldn’t just sit back with their feet on the coffee table waiting for provisions from above. They’ll come in one form or another

  • Bibi

    April 10, 2015

    Ina made very good points. Mari2 your Husband being intimate with his other wife under the same roof as you is enough to drive any woman crazy. Been there done that and still going through it. It’s my test from ALLAH and I know I’m growing positively from it. Alhumdullilaah. I was so excited when I became pregnant both times. I cldnt even openly show my excitement because I knew my co wives must’ve been hurting already no need to broadcast my excitement. I couldn’t have a baby shower I felt so embarrassed I couldn’t speak if my pregnancies openly I had to be mindful of their presence I would feel so embarrassed when guest asked any questions like when I was due or the gender of my babies. Every time I went shopping before the baby came I would have to leave my things in the car and sneak them to my room in the middle of the night so no one would see. It was quite ridiculous but that’s what happens in this lifestyle. I’m glad I’ve found this blog where I can talk about things openly
    Ana I keep reading your posts over and over and can’t stop laughing. You have a way with words lol

    Spirited, continue to persevere through the craziness you’re doing good.

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2015

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Insha Allah, I’ll be heading for Netflix, as well. I still have a few things to do first, which includes Isha prayer. The other night, I began watching a movie about Muslims on Netflix. I didn’t finish it and now I forget what the name was. If I remember, I’ll mention it. It was about a Christian woman in Amman Jordan getting ready to wed a Muslim there. I’m bad when it comes to Netflix. I’ll begin a movie; stop it and begin another. Some other day, I go back to the one I didn’t finish. I have a short attention span LOL.

    Yep, your hubz is a piece of work. Just go with the flow. Patiently persevere and pray.

    Sis Spirited, thank you for not hating me for being outspoken about Pakistani people. I know they are not all as they’ve been depicted on this blog. There is no absolute. There’s all types of people in all nationalities. I know it for a fact. You’re a prime example of not what we’ve spoken of. You’re a beautiful person and I see how everyone would like you very much and why. I agree with your husband that you undervalue yourself. You’re super, duper!!!

  • Spirited

    April 10, 2015

    Salaam, ladies

    @Mari2, ugh that sounds like a major pain. Weren’t they originally going to just stay in Pakistan? I might have missed the change in plans. Unfortunately I don’t have anything in the way of ideas or advice at this time.

    Also, I just wanted to point out, someone was talking about mari2’s husband sending some money to Pakistan and using the same amount here for rent (I think that was it) anyways, keep in mind that $1 = just about 100rupees, so that $600 is getting much more mileage in Pakistan than here. Unless the family is shopping/living in a ritzy part of town (they inflate prices up in those places just to push the exclusiveness).

    @Rabiabint, thank you much for your concern, do keep me in your prayers
    Of course the non-Muslim wants to be the ONLY wife, so she’s doing her best to make that happen.

    @Ana, it’s good to hear from you! Lol oh I know you’re quite the busy bee. It’s not a problem that you didn’t get the time to send me a message don’t worry. Hmmm of course it’s hard not to be sad about no luck with the school thing. A big issue is most places seem to have a problem with my undergraduate education being “too old” as they say. They want me to basically re-do the first year or 2 of baby classes. Even my old professors thought this was ridiculous because more advanced classes build on first year classes and the schools could see that even up to just last year, my advanced classes coursework is up to snuff. The admissions people just say “it’s part of our procedures, sorry, good luck”.. I’m not sure if I should waste all that money to redo those classes (I wouldn’t be eligible for aid because I already have 2 degrees — both useless because of the economy taking a dive and now hitting the “no recent experience & no way to get experience” cycle). Some family members who are teachers have suggested to get a teacher’s certification because I have much of the requirements for that already, so with a teaching job, I could then finance any further attempts at the med school, if I wanted, or stick with it because it’s a perfectly good profession itself. So for now I’m doing some volunteering to keep “patient interaction” requirements updated and I have an appointment with counsellors to look into if teaching certificate would be a good fit for me. Let’s hope I find what I’m meant for sooner than later

    Lol oh there’s a third option that could change things with my husband–if he & I were to go our separate ways. I’m not delusional. It’s definitely an option & if he wants to go that way, I’m not going to stop him. He’s the one who begged for us to stay together in the first place. I wouldn’t really count on her becoming Muslim, if anything, she might convert him away from Islam. Another thing that recently made me angry was how he said he doesn’t care about his own family (his parents & siblings) but DOES care about the non-muslim’s parents and sister. I wanted to take a shoe and smack him with it, I was really THAT angry. Then, he’s been doing this thing where one day he will say one thing, then a day or two later, he will say the exact opposite. His father thinks he’s under too much mental stress and doesn’t understand what to do so he’s being like this. I suggested he should see a Muslim psychologist & my husband gave me the egotistical “what do I look like to you? Everyone [family in pakistan] asks me for advice, I don’t need a psychologist, I’m the one who has the answers.” Yeah I can definitely see that (being sarcastic here). I even suggested maybe getting in touch with the husbands of the ladies here who might be able to give some advice, but he rejected that idea too. He would rather blunder around instead of getting real-experienced advice.

    Oh I blame both him AND that woman he has a kid with. She’s no innocent angel. She knew she was having an affair with a married man, she knew what she was doing every step of the way & how to get control of him (get pregnant, use the kid for blackmail, etc). She even hired someone to get information on him & me, and stalking us, and so on. For my husband’s end, obviously sneaking around, adultery, his lies, etc. it was funny, he was trying to talk about his adultery as if we had been married for “so long” before he decided to screw up our lives. I calmly corrected him that it was only 2 years into us actually living together that he started this mess in secret (4 years total of marriage with 2 of those years me going back & forth to Pakistan while his immigration papers were being processed). What a moron. I don’t know, lately I’ve been really getting aggressive with him but he still keeps saying he wants us to stay together. Twice just this last week, I asked him what he wants for us & if he wants us to divorce, do it now because I don’t want to attend the upcoming wedding in his family if I’m not going to be part of the family anymore; let’s just end it if you can’t figure out how to handle your little kaffir. But still he refuses to divorce and at the same time still refuses to start a family with me. “Not yet, let me figure things out. I don’t want to be an absent father.” is the answer, but I’m not getting any younger :/

    Well, like you said, Allah has it all in his hands. If I’m meant for children, I will get them & if we are meant to stay together, we will, Insha’Allah. My upcoming trip is to attend a brother-in-law’s wedding, so I’m not sure how relaxing that will be — meeting people, decorating the home, hectic clothes shopping, caring for the family members that come to stay at the home for the wedding days and so on. The in-laws sound very excited for me to come & I’m sure a nephew there is waiting anxiously — he’s been asking me to come since November. :). He took to me almost right away when I met him on my last trip. That reminds me of something my husband said this week. I was telling him of how the most recent guests we had staying here got along great with me and he said “of course, everyone likes you, it’s just you that don’t like yourself” & a hug. He’s probably right, I can’t say that I ever gave it any serious thought. Hmmm, If not for his ego, my husband can be quite sweet & we do get along swimmingly.

    @Bibi, I had to chuckle a bit because we called our paternal grandmother “bibi”. She lived to be 104, in great shape, walking on her own and everything.
    Your post also made me think it would be fun to meet up with anyone living over in Pakistan, but I probably wouldn’t have time. I think I’ve only given myself about a week extra time (after the wedding event) and that might be the only chance to visit with my family. Nuts to that. Would have been neat though :D

    @Ina, hey you! How have you been? I would imagine that living together in polygamy would be difficult for most women unless they grew up in that lifestyle or were otherwise accustomed to it. Can’t imagine it myself, but I mostly keep to myself anyways so who knows lol.

    As to the quick talk we were having here about why Mormons seem to have a better reputation that Islamic polygamy, my two cents is that because the guys engaging in it aren’t lying or scheming and everyone involved is aware. In my opinion, this makes a huuuuuuuge difference & it’s probably a major part of why there are so many problems in Islamic polygamy — the men practicing it are not suited to it at all and give it a bad image. That’s the same story with the rest of our religion too — idiots ruining it for everyone,

    Alrighty, talk to you guys soon! Time to hit the hay, or at least watch some Netflix before hitting the hay :D

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2015

    One thing I want to mention about Mari2 who is considering whether to live together with her co or not – Allah does not give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear. We put the additional burden on ourselves…

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2015

    @Ina, As Salaamu Alaikum :-)

    Hi there. Good to read you. I had a feeling you’ve just been lurking in the background, and would surface sooner than later. Here you are. Alhumdulliah. I pray all is going well for you and yours. It’s always nice when you stop in and let us know you’re still with us.

    @Bibi,

    I pray Allah forgives us all for the eavesdropping and snooping that I’m sure we’ve all done in some form or another. You are absolutely correct that what we don’t know can’t hurt us. Bibi, I could imagine you’ve grown in so many ways by living this lifestyle, especially living with two other co s. It’s a wonderful feeling to see the progress we make in our lives. Allah is Great! You’re doing good, gurl. Keep up the good work.

  • Bibi

    April 10, 2015

    Yeah ana it’s hard. I went crazy I was the crazy co wife. At a point I just had to know to I eavesdropped a few times may Allah forgive me. Now I know what you don’t know can’t hurt you. And now I try to focus on my marriage with my husband and not his marriage with his other wives. But I’m here to tell you it’s very very difficult. Almost 8 years and it still hurts but not as much.

  • Ina

    April 10, 2015

    @ Mari2,
    Sounds like a very bad idea to me. Finances aside, are you sure you can handle the emotional aspects? How would you feel when she gets pregnant? When they have a baby? When the 3 of them are talking in urdu and laughing together? All this happening in your house? Do you want to feel like a stranger in your own home?

    I would rather forgo the financial contribution from M so he can afford to get a place for cousin wife to live rather than have her live in my home.

    Polygamy is hard enough to deal with when wives are in separate dwellings. I don’t think i could handle it given the choice. Sometimes we had no choice but have to learn to accept the situation.

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2015

    @Javeria, As Salaamu Alaikum, :-)

    You shouldn’t feel badly about the order you married in. Be proud. You could pave the way for others. You have nothing to be ashamed of. No wife should feel less than another co wife, regardless of how others treat her. Keep her head high.

    Of course a wife who never wanted polygamy and found herself in it will most likely dislike the woman who her husband married. It doesn’t mean she will look down on all wives who married men already married. Although there are some who do, which is baffling to me. Women who are unhappy with their situation are incline to want others to rally around her and tell her the other wife is not a good person. It’s not right and she knows it not right. It may make the one wife feel better for the moment, but it doesn’t last.

    I think the blog is good because it allows all of us to come together and feel the love for one another regardless of what number we women married our husbands in. Even if she can’t get it right with her own co-wife, she could begin to get it right with one another. Who knows? Maybe one day with the help and permission of Allah, she’ll have a breakthrough with her own co.

    I’ve come a long ways in accepting all wives as equal in terms of wife status. Other factors, however, must be considered when judging one’s own co-wife. A Muslim must judge using the Quran as a criterion – should she or should she not befriend the co? Investigate and make a judgement call. If the husband married someone Allah tells us not to marry, then it’s an easy call to make, for instance.

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2015

    We forgot to mention there is a strong possibility that the cousin wife may get treated as Mari2’s child. She is young enough to be her child.

    My thought is cousin/wife could earn her keep by keeping house and cooking until she gets acclimated to her new environment, oppose to immediately being thrown out into the workforce. It’s just a thought

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2015

    @rabiabint,

    No problem. I hear you. You know the saying, when you’re the one paying – It’s my way or the highway. The other person is always subjected to getting kicked out Ass Kicking Who wants to live like that? It cost to be the boss, as ummof4 once quoted. Mari2 is paying and she’ll have the upper hand.

  • rabiabint

    April 10, 2015

    @ana

    Thanks for clearing that up.

    Idk…sharing a man… fine but my space….
    I’m head Chick in my domain….two tigers can’t rule on Mountain….

    Lol

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I hope you don’t get offended by me answering some of the questions for rabiabint based on my knowledge since she and I are here now and I don’t know when you will pop in. I know you have a busy schedule with work.

    @rabiabint,

    Mari2 at one time had married her husband as a second wife. The husband and the first wife were married legally and mutually agreed to divorce. (My gut feelings tell me that the first wife knew this would happen and the husband would marry the cousin). So once he divorced the first wife legally and officially, it paved the way for him to marry the cousin in Pakistan legally. Thus there is only one legal marriage and no crime has been committed. He never married Mari2 legally. Mari2 said she didn’t want a legal marriage.

    I’m skeptical about the set up because we know that when one person is the head honcho, the main bread winner and head of household, how it goes. The person who pays always believes he or she is BOSS and call the shots. When things get rough between the parties, boss can say, like it or leave it (get out). It’s definitely one reason all wives should have their separate dwelling, so she could be queen of her castle.

    The husband’s intent, based on my knowledge, was always to bring the cousin/wife here. The MIL was living here in Mari2’s home before the marriage to the cousin took place. She help put the nikah and all the arrangements together. The MIL also did some underhanded things with regard to Mari2, and wanting him to divorce her, based on what I remember Mari2 posted.

    I wouldn’t want to be in the same home with my husband banging his other wife. It would destroy me. Bibi, no offense, I know you live with your co s; you are one heck of a STRONG woman of steel sigh. My heart goes out to you. I could see myself now, with my ear up against the door trying to hear conversation between my husband or co or listening out all the time for some moans and groan. I’d be done freaked out on someone or ended up on the psych ward.

  • rabiabint

    April 10, 2015

    Asa

    I really wish Mari2 explain this better….because I am so confused. She beta start learning urdu….lol

    Pakistani husband mil and Co wife. All under one roof. Will they all have their own room?

    Mainly his second wife? How will she be treated?

    I pray she know her rights in Islam…there shouldn’t be head wife syndrome.

    Hence why a husband should provide a home for each.

    What if he wants to be intimate with second wife? I personally think two cos unless it’s a mansion or two homes on one property will be trouble.

    Another q is if this is even legal…. I mean both marriages. Did he get married here in the US and then got legally married to his…cousin… back home?

    And now he’s bringing his family to America to live in his American home?

    OK did I miss the mark or did I just go left wing on this?

    the list of demands…what if the co wife doesn’t agree to any of it?
    It is a puzzling mess…and

    I am so confused

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2015

    Yes, Allah says in the Holy Quran that man is the maintainer and protector of women. Again, he says women, not only wives. Is the maintaining monetary, spiritual, emotional well being ??? We know Allah has given many women more monetarily than men. Just because the man is the maintainer and protector – BECAUSE Allah has given men a degree more than women – strength? Intellect? – Allah says a woman can’t give a clear account when it comes to some things and they play with trinkets – does it mean a woman she hoard her money and not use it for other than herself? It gets heavy. Why focus so much on who is suppose to do what? Do what we are supposed to do with what we have, and work together. Most men step up to the plate and help in some way or another unless they are oppressors. We know there are a lot of them in the world today.

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2015

    Bibi, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Ooops, I got that one @$$ backwards.Rolling laughterI hadn’t remembered you ever saying you worked in a dress shop. LOL. I’m cracking up laughing now. Sorry about my mix up.

    I feel badly for both Mari2 and the co, the same as you do. Exactly as you said, everyone is saying this woman (the co) got married, and is considered grown now, but no one is telling her the truth. No one has let the woman know she has a co-wife. As you said, everyone continues to make plans for the woman without any input from her about her own life. Everyone needs to make up their mind whether the co is a grown capable adult or not. If she is one, tell her that her husband has another wife besides her. Ask her what she thinks, how she feels and what she’d like to do. They can’t have it both ways saying she is old enough and not old enough. Which one is it?

    I don’t know why Mari2 was concerned about her co living in Pakistan and needing an education. It was really none of her concern about what the girl does while she is in Pakistan. Yes, what the girl does while living in Mari2’s home is a different story. It leads me to think of the “Head Wife” scenario that Gail and Jenny used to speak of here quite often. Mari2 is American; with the Pakistan girl and mother-in-law living in her house and Mari2 is the main bread winner, it could make for a tyrannical situation. It won’t be pretty.

    As Gail so often stated, I think Mari2’s husband knew from jump street that he would marry the cousin and bring her to the United States. It’s one reason he and the first wife (legal wife) divorced so that the husband could marry the Pakistani girl legally and bring her here. Mari2 has stated time and again she never wanted the legal status. The husband is only carrying out his intentions.

    It is said a man should be able to afford two wives before he has two. We all know it doesn’t work that way. Some people are firm in the belief that Allah will provide, if they believe nothing else. I believe Allah will provide because He says He will. He provides for Muslims and Non-Muslims. Some people want to rely on the man being the “maintainer” and “protector” of women (women not wives). What does it mean? Allah numerous times in the Quran says He provide. I have seen it in my life. Allah’s promises are true.

  • Bibi

    April 10, 2015

    Ana you are one hilarious sister. I like how you say it like it is. Your post had me sighing out loud literally. I was saying in America there are several shops full of pakistani’s unfamiliar with the English language. I did not mean I have a job here at a clothing store because I dont. I think mari2 was concerned about her co’s education when she thought she’d be living abroad and wouldn’t see her husband very often so she’d have a lot of time on her hands to study but moving in with mari2 is a whole different ball game. I’m not saying her co should drop education altogether I’m saying she’ll have to do both perhaps take a class at a time. Still confused because we don’t know if the co speaks English. I feel sad for mari2 and the co though. Why isint the husband providing and y take on another if u can’t even provide for yourself and first wife.
    The co still dosent know about mari2 this isint right and they’re just planning her life out without her having a clue.

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2015

    @rabiabint, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I see Mari2’s situation about the co living with her the same as you do, but you were able to express it and articulate it way better than me. Now that the co maybe coming to live with Mari2 and the husband, it seems she wants to make life difficult for the co and if not the co then for the husband. She, previously kept talking about the co being young and needing to get educated. She spoke in terms of the co not needing to get pregnant and was too young for pregnancy as the co needed an education. Now, the heck with education, the uneducated cousin wife needs a job, if she comes here.

    About finances Mari2 stated, “I asked him what he must send to Pakistan each month. He said 600. I then said all he needed to give me was 600 to offset one third of the rent and I would have enough to pay the remainder of bills and put money into an emergency fund.” What? The $600.00 that the husband sends to Pakistan for his mother and the co, isn’t enough for the mother and the co – to put food in their mouths and help towards Mari2’s rent, if they move her?

    I’m thinking about the girl, as well. Bibi said she (Bibi) went to Pakistan and got a job in a dress shop. Well, the situations are not quite the same. In Pakistan they love “American” as Gail stated. I’m sure not all Pakistanis love Americans, but many are fascinated with them. From what we’ve been told here, many of them kiss American’s buttocks Smiley kissing ass. So, I’d imagine it was easy for her to get a job in Pakistan.

    Bibi, however is mixing apples with oranges. The girl is coming to the U.S. of A., probably not speaking much English, coming to a country in which Muslims aren’t readily accepted, and actually hated. She has no skills. Not only it, she’s coming from a culture in that the women aren’t expected to work. So, suddenly Mari2 sounds to have said the heck with the girls education and cultural differences etc. she wants the girl thrown out as a sheep amongst the wolves.

    Everything I’ve heard from Mari2 is against the girl. I see the girl as the victim and based on all Mari2 has said she sees the girl as a bad person. Many women see the co as a bad person. It’s not unusual. The difference is this girl doesn’t know anything about Mari2.

    I don’t know why Mari2 would let the mother-in-law back in her home after all the backbiting and wanting to get rid of Marie 2 that the MIL did. If the husband has good sense, he’d leave the mother-in-law and the cousin/wife in Pakistan until he could get on his own two feet without Mari2’s help, and then bring his family here, so he’s not beholden to mari2. I see the three of them living together in Mari2’s home as becoming a monumental problem.

  • rabiabint

    April 10, 2015

    Asa Ladies

    @ana saw a documentary and it painted this bad imagine on polygamy in islam.

    Funny you mention as Mormons the women enter the faith knowing this will happen

    I learned at a young age that in Islam it can happen. I remember talking to my cousin whose Muslim and said Gurl didn’t you know as a child bring raised in this faith that your husband may or may not take on another wife.

    she said No.

    I was shocked…. like really…this idea of being the only one played into ya religious beliefs?

    I feel for me and maybe no one else… Allah’s word is Gold. I have no right to dislike…ignore it…rebuke it.
    When it comes to Prophet Muhammad (saw) same thing thing…. I can’t say I don’t like it… I hate it…I rebuke it that part of Islam I don’t get.

    When it comes to polygamy
    .. amongst muslim it shock me as to how many are anti polygamy marriage. Both men and women.

    I couldn’t call myself a Muslim if I was anti anything Allah has mentioned is halal. I couldn’t call myself a muslim…I would feel as if I am lying to myself n the world if I call myself a Muslim but was against a practice or act the Prophet Muhammad ( saw ) did.
    Polygamy being one of them.
    I remember my cousin saying it’s not for everyone.

    I get that…so I asked her have you been in one?

    she said No… I can’t
    I said than how do you know if you could or couldn’t if you never been in one….you’re going by jealousy… she don’t even have a man and the thought of your pretend husband with another wife has her tripping

    I wanted to tell her polygamy in islam was created for women like you. Single mother of two.. husband left her in mid pregnancy of their second child.

    Both children under the age of two. But she’s get all hot and bothered…

    I had to just shake my head.

    but you’re right… Islam in mass media has gotten a bad rep. Thank to munafiq, unbelievers, people leaving the faith,culturing and nationalism….people mix their culture up into Islam.

    Bibi

    idk if he told her or not. I no longer dwell on it much. I just ask how she doing and so forth. When it comes to her.

    Mari2

    correct me if I’m wrong but co wives do not have to live together and a husband cannot force them…he has to provide a home for each of them.

    Is he legally married to both of you? Or just you?

    If you are stable and was fine with how the income was split while co wife was over…where ever. why would you want your husband to stress out provide equal amount to the both of you? You was fine when she was at a distant.

    I’m confused. If you don’t want miles living with you. That’s your right…he can’t force her on you.

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2015

    Having the mother-in-law there, should help prevent a “head wife” (Mari2 ) type situation. The girl is a blood relative. Blood is thicker than water in that culture and Mari2’s husband definitely does as his mom orders. I wouldn’t want that set up – all living together.

    Bibi,

    I don’t think the cousin wife has been told about Mar2 yet. I think he and Mari2 have been kicking the idea around about them all living together as he intends to bring the wife and his mother to the States.

    I was just a bit confused because the previous postS Mari2 was talking about sending the husband to school and help him take care of his families. She said it, not me. She kept stressing in numerous post the need for the cousin to get educated. Now, it sounds she’s saying the heck with education, the girls has got to get a job. Job is good, but what was all the yap about the girl needing a education about??? Now education is insignificant.

    I’m not sure the cousin hss been

  • Bibi

    April 10, 2015

    Hold up wait a minute. Mari2 so your husband told his second wife about you??? Aaaw shucks secrets are being revealed lol

    But yea like ana said does she even speak the language. I can see if she had her own dwelling she could focus on school and only school while m supports her financially but living in your home while she gets to lay back and study while you work your butt off supporting both m and her it’s not right. I say she’s going to have to learn to multi task. Go to school and work. Even if she dosent speak the language there’s a job for everyone and it doesn’t include cleaning toilets. I shopped at several Pakistani shops before I understood urdu and they didn’t speak English you just have to know how to calculate.
    Mari2 co is 17 yes but now a grown married woman and should be treated as such

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2015

    @Mari2, Assalamu Alaikum

    Where do you expect her to work – Burger King or cleaning toilets? Does she speak English? I thought you were concerned with her getting an education. Now it sounds you’re more interested in her contributing to the household expenses – a 17 yr. old girl in a foreign land – America with limited education and no work history. I’m confused…

  • Bibi

    April 10, 2015

    Mari2 oh my gosh. It’s sooooooo difficult living with a co wife or in my case co wives. Can’t she move next door at least. It’s so difficult in the beginning but you get used to it throughout the years. I don’t want you to experience the beginning stages I wouldn’t want to hear of anyone experiencing the pain it brings. You have a good heart for even considering it. I just pray your house is big enough for you to be able to breathe.

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2015

    Spirited is not dealing with a jealousy/favorite wife issue. She’s dealing with a husband who married a non-Muslim who has become his lord and rules him. The other wife does not accept polygamy and the husband is not exactly truthful with the other wife about Spirited. He says he’s fearful of losing his kid by the non-Muslim wife, if he doesn’t acquiesce to her and do her bidding. The other wife has got him by the balls, so to speak. It’s really the husband’s problem for hooking up with such a person. He will pay for it, if not sooner, definitely later when his respite is over, if he doesn’t repent and Allah forgives him before His wrath descends on him.

  • Mari2

    April 10, 2015

    Wassalam all…
    M is pushing to get me to agree to living in a co wife household. NVM co wife won’t even be 18 for 7 more months or so. He has no clue as to precise date or he pretends not to. Whatever. However, MIL will be living with us as well, and she is the aunt of co wife. That there, plus the Pakistani blood relation Islamiculture makes me wary. Very wary. So I gave M a list of my requirements to allow co and mom in law to live here. One requirement of mine was that for every month co is unemployed, M would be responsible for all rent and bills. I will help out in bills one third once she gains employment. However, if he’s going to provide for her financially and she isn’t working, then I expect him to provide financially the same for me. I’m not going to provide the majority of her living expenses in my own home. Or he can provide her and MIL with their own place at his expense. I might be able to make a co wife situation work, but with MIL in the mix too? I see possible problems.

  • anabellah

    April 9, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    I’ve fallen a bit behind again. So what else is new, right. It’s not easy for us all to stay on top of all the comments. We just have to do the best we can. Insha Allah, I’ll try to respond to those of you I’ve missed today. Love to you all!!! Much salaam…

  • Bibi

    April 9, 2015

    Rabiabint I think I missed a few of your comments. did your husband tell his other wife about you? I do hope you two will be friendly in the future. But if not its all good. You can still be respectful to each other InshaAllah.

    Hey there spirited. So we’ll be on the same side of the planet for a minute :) enjoy your stay.

  • Bibi

    April 9, 2015

    Javeria and rabiabint I think the show yall are referring to is sisterwives. It’s very sad how everything Muslims do just can’t seem to be right. But people from a different religion can do the exact same thing (polygamy) and let they’re applaused for it. I do admire how they get along with one another. I think a lot of it has to do with the husband. He has to be the rock. He has to be fair and consistent. Believe it or not I know of seniors who have been living in a polygamist lifestyle for ages. One man I know has four wives and they are all cordial and he’s so loving to all of them. The men have to be more kind and sympathetic and at the same time not tolerate certain things between his wives.

    Javeria don’t feel ashamed in which order you married your husband. You think second is bad well I’m a third lol.

  • anabellah

    April 9, 2015

    Oooops, I forgot to mention in the United States, the Muslim guy that was found guilty TODAY – “the Boston Marathon Bomber” who blew off 208 people’s limbs and killed three people who were minding their own business at the Marathon. My niece lives in Boston. She’s a student there. I thank Allah she wasn’t one of the victims.

    Oh, and then someone said we should talk about the good and beauty of Islam. Oh, oh, oh, Okay…

  • anabellah

    April 9, 2015

    rabiabint, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I haven’t seen Muslim polygamous marriages being dragged through the mud. Where is that happening at publicly other than maybe on blogs?

    The difference between Mormon marriages is most of those marriages are entered into voluntarily by the husband and the wives. They know it’s their lifestyle that they want to live, as it paves the way for them to enter Paradise, according to their beliefs. They seek out sister-wives. They want the marriage and want to get along with one another. They have a brotherhood/sisterhood.

    The only time one hears of negativity associated with Mormons plural marriages is when they violate laws such as under-aged marriages, domestic violence violations, assaults or criminal restraint (people being restrained against their will) etc.

    What’s happening in the world gives Islam a bad reputation. Islam gets a bad reputation because there is a LOT of bad going on in the world that involves people who call themselves Muslim. Read world news each and every day and you will know about the Houthis; ISL; Talaban; Al-Qada; Boko Haram; Al Shabab; Sunnis; Shites; killing up MUSLIMS and non-Muslims, abducting women and children, raping women and girls, killing innocent people – all taking place in countries with a large population of Muslims. No one is making this stuff up. It is real. It’s happening each and every day.

    Why should you expect anyone to look upon Islam favorably. Then you have the shieks, scholars, Imam, and whomever else with these titles who are doing what about it? NOTHING!!!! All these sects exist and Allah says don’t do it! Don’t divide the religion Islam into sects. So the Muslims get exactly what they deserve. Allah is a JUST GOD.

    Let’s look at matters realistically.

  • anabellah

    April 9, 2015

    @Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Dear little sister, I’ve been meaning to email you for the longest since our last chat. Things have been soooo hectic for me, as I know it has been with you, as well.

    Ummof4 asked about you here the other day. My intent was to email you that day. I’ve got so much going on that I don’t know whether I’m coming or going

    Try hard not to worry about not being accepted into the schools. You know Allah knows what is best for us. He may very well have something much better in store for you. We sometimes want things without knowing it wouldn’t be good for us. It’s all about wanting what Allah wants, which we don’t always know until something happens or doesn’t happen.

    I’m not surprised that much hasn’t changed with your husband and his other. Nothing will change unless he gets rid of her or vice versa or she becomes Muslim/Believer. When in situations such as it, the believing wife must focus her attention on staying right with our Lord (Allah), so she, the believing wife, doesn’t get taken down with the husband and his other wife. Allah says no harm can come to us from those who stray, if we do what we’re supposed to with regard to worshiping Allah.

    The other wife (non-Muslim) shouldn’t be blamed. The husband went and married her. He went and got her and married her. He did what Allah tells the believers not to do. He must not have been a believer. You’re not alone in dealing with that type of situation, as you know.

    I pray you have a very safe holiday. You must be soooooo excited. I’m excited for you. It’s nice you’ll get to stay three weeks. It will give you a chance to get there, relax, and settle in before hopping back on the plane and returning here. Insha Allah, enjoy your stay. I’ll be thinking of you.

    I’m so glad you got a chance to stop in, and give us a shout out. Insha Allah, I’ll catch up with you before you leave for your trip.

  • rabiabint

    April 9, 2015

    Asa all

    @javeria

    I used to watch that pm show too. The first and second wife aren’t that close but they respect each other. I would think Muslims Sisterwives would be a better example. Like I know it’s not all roses as tv portrays it….

    Funny though.
    .Christian Mormon has a show on polygamy and it’s top of the list while Muslim polygamy is dragged through the mud.

    Clear sign this world isn’t meant for the believers.

  • anabellah

    April 9, 2015

    @Safiya, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for sharing more about your life with us. When you said your husband is related to his other wife/your co, it leads me to believe it may be a cousin/Pakistani marriage. If it is, you may want to be cautious of your mother-in-law and her intentions, as well. Gail, who I view as our Pakistani expert, would be better able to explain to you why than I would. One of our other dear commentators here, “Mari2” recently had an ordeal with her Pakistani mother-in-law. Oh, another thing that raise a red flag is that you mentioned he mixes tradition with Islam – NOT that only Pakistani people do it, but it appears there is a lot of cultural aspects that supersedes Islam when it comes to Pakistanis. I may have jumped the gun by assuming your husband is Pakistani, so excuse me if he is not.

    I will chime in with the others and attempt to answer your questions. You asked what your relationship with your co should be. Just because your husband is married to another woman does not mean you need to befriend her. Allah in the Holy Quran tells us to investigate. I suggest you find out what type of person she is. The best way to do it is to converse with her to learn her views and beliefs. What is important to her? One could learn a good deal of information about the person just by what the person says. If you know your husband married a non-Muslim or a woman who just took Shahadah right before the marriage, it tells something about the person (the husband and the woman), as well. You have to learn what Allah in the Quran says about people, and let it be your guide to determine whether you should befriend the co or not. Regardless of who the person is, it does not interfere with how we should treat them in terms of being fair, just and kind. We are to be fair, just and kind to everyone, unless the person fights us for our faith.

    About what your husband’s relationship should be with your children from your previous marriage, it is relative. It all depends. Are your children toddlers or teenagers? It’s makes a big difference. If your husband has his own biological children, he should treat your children the same way he treats his own. He should treat your children as though they were his. The ayah in the Holy Quran that says, if a man can’t be fair and just to the orphans than he should marry only one woman, applies to your situation. If your husband has biological children, he should have considered before he married you whether he could treat your children the same as his own. He would know whether he could treat them the same before he married you. If he felt he couldn’t, and just doesn’t want to be bothered with another man’s children, he should not have married you. He will be in serious trouble with Allah, if he mistreats your children.

    About how much control your husband could have over your children, you must determine it by what type of man he is. If he is a tyrant and wants to brutalize your children and torment them, would you let him simply because he’s your husband? I should hope not. You have to make judgement calls when it comes to how he deals with your children. If you have teenaged children, he may not want to bother much with them anyhow, as they probably won’t want to be bothered with him. Teenaged children can be very rebellious. Some will tell their step-dad in a hot minute that he is not their father. You’ve got to play it by ear and see what he is like with your children and vice versa. It’s a learn as you go…

    You asked if you must tell your husband all of your secrets and family affairs. You don’t have to tell him diddly, friggen, squat. There is no such thing as “confession” in Islam. He is not your priest and this is not Catholicism. Some things you’ve done may have been sinful. It’s between you and Allah. You may have repented and asked Allah to forgive you. Allah may have forgiven you. Your husband doesn’t need to know. It’s none of your husband’s business. If you had an abortion, it’s none of your husband’s business. If your abortion caused you not to be able to have children and your husband wants children, you should let him know you, based on your knowledge, that you can’t conceive. If you’ve got a criminal record that is online for cyberspace to see, you may want to tell him so he doesn’t find out online or from some other person. If you are manic-depressive or have some type of medical condition you may want to share the information with your husband. It depends on you as to what you tell him and what you do not tell him. He has no blanket right to know everything that has occurred in your life.

    I hope the above was helpful. :-)

  • anabellah

    April 9, 2015

    I just can’t get with the attitude that just because something isn’t happening to me or is not happening in the country I live in, I shouldn’t care. Is that what Muslims are supposed to do? What happened to we are a “brotherhood”? Shouldn’t we care about our brothers and sisters-in-faith whether we could do something hands on or not?

    Allah says, “And why should ye not fight in the cause of Allah and of those who, being weak, are ill-treated (and oppressed)?- Men, women, and children, whose cry is: “Our Lord! Rescue us from this town, whose people are oppressors; and raise for us from thee one who will protect; and raise for us from thee one who will help!” Quran: Surah 4, ayah 75

    It tells me that I should care about other people, especially my brothers and sisters-in-faith. We as Muslims shouldn’t oppress anyone who isn’t Muslim either. I think it’s a selfish attitude to say, for instance, oh, well, it’s not happening to me, so who gives a flying whatever, or see yah, wouldn’t wanna be yah…

    We have to look at why things are the way they are in the Muslim world, as well. It’s not speculation about why it is. Allah tells us in the Holy Quran.

  • javeria

    April 9, 2015

    Assalaamualaikum everyone :)

    @ spirited

    Sister,I cant imagine what you are going through.I would be crazy. I understand your fears…It has happened many a time. I pray Allah give you strength and help in your situation and open your husbands way to strengthening his imaan… I guess jealousy and competition may contribute…but i have that,but I try not to let it affect hiw I treat my co because I cant hold her responsible for my feelings.I guess it is easier for some people to compartmentalise and differentiate between natural feelings and animosity for reasons like your circumstances.I think its okay to be jealous and to want to be the ‘favourite’.but it isnt okay to hate the co based on those feelings,because unless the husband explicitly says who his supposed favourite is, you can speculate forever n then you’re hating each other over a theory. And if there is favouring one over the other you should be aggro at the husband,not the co.its his job to keep himself in check. Thats just my opinioN.

    @ rabiabint I am a little apprehensive about telling people im a second wife sometimes, the reception is a little unpredictable and not always nice. I was even worried about commenting here lol! Im so glad you have these positve feelings regarding meeting your co.I hope she is as receptive of you as you are of her. Id love to be buddies with my co, but at the same time I guess its hard to really achieve. I wonder how these Christian Mormons we see on tv get it right….The relationship between these wives is something else. I would love to have that kind of closeness. Maybe im crazy but I feel like id be happy that way.but alhamdulillah, I’m also grateful for the connection i do have. I dont do well in tense unhappy situations, if my co hated me or vice versa or something I think I would be very unhappy and find it alot harder to cope!

  • rabiabint

    April 9, 2015

    As salaamualaikum ya ukti!!!

    I haven’t forgotten about you all. I’ve been reading and so forth.

    Javeria- Mashallah I didn’t know you are a second wife. I am glad to read your insight n I know why you are so concerned for your sister’s Cowife.

    Spirited- I am sorry to hear the action of your Co wife. Inshallah your husband will see her actions and behavior as clear as you do

    Safiya- when my mother was a co wife. She had 5 children from a previous marriage and my father took then in as his own. Mashallah in his old age they don’t see my dad is a step father but as their own father. When he was I’ll they came to his aid.

    I am learning through this group that having a relationship with a co wife isn’t mandatory but there should be a level of respect between each other.

    Ana – gurl do you. I appreciate the views of other…and sometimes the truth isn’t wrapped in a pretty bow. At the sametime I have learn everyone is entitled to their views and opinions. .. and what is clearly written will always be in Quran, the life of Al-Nabi and the Sahabah (ra). So thank you for keeping it real.

    my own update; I am more excited to meet my Co wife as my husband share her character and personality with me. I was doing an u just to assume the negative. She seem to be very kind and open. Inshallah I pray we end up being friends.

    She does corky thing like me…which is cool.
    I shared with him my sister’s feeling and he said he too was a little annoyed but it..because she’s muslim acting in such away. Then he said what Ana you somewhat had said Well she doesn’t live with there. So nothing to worry about.

    Now I’m off to buy cat food

    As Salaamualaikum

  • Spirited

    April 9, 2015

    Salaam everyone,

    A hearty late welcome to the newbies

    Everytime I think “ok now I’m free to get back to the blog!” Something else comes up lol. The last few months, we have had different families living with us for spring breaks or various vacations/visits. It was a lot of fun and now things are quiet again, which is kind of sad :(. However, I’m heading out to Pakistan for about 3 weeks soon, so I won’t be around -again- yikes

    A quick update on my end — no luck with the last round of applications to schools. — husband still afraid of his non-Muslim so-called wife, often complains about her but unwilling to leave her due to kid (yup, basically he STILL doesn’t make any sense). — money situation is better. — starting a family still up in the air due to irrational fear of non-Muslim & her threats.

    @Javeria, for me, personally, I hate the excuse of a human my husband married because she is an evil person — she has decieved, continues to lie (even to her own family), blackmails, threatens, snoops into things that are none of her business, & is negatively affecting aspects of my marriage — as well as being non-Muslim. I also fear for my husband’s already weak imaan, that he might be led astray by her one day, which is not all that surprising, considering we are warned about these kinds of people in Quran –those who aren’t satisfied until they’ve pulled you down with them. We’ve actually even seen one or two examples at this blog in the past of men turned away from Islam by a non-Muslim “wife”
    So that’s my own reason for hating my husband’s 2nd wife. Co-wives who are the same religion, I imagine the dislike would come from jealousy and one or the other scheming for “favorite” status & causing problems. Still, I think if all involved are Muslim, it would definitely work out better in the long run than with a husband who messes around with women he shouldn’t be

    Well, I’ll check in again later. I have about a week before my trip :D. Talk to you guys soon. Definitely have a lot of catching up to do….

  • Safiya

    April 9, 2015

    Assalam allaikum Sisters. Thank you so much for the warm welcome. May Allah bless you all and reward you with Aljannah. I am a second after being a first with my ex. I also dont speak same language with my new husband ( but we have a common one we all speak)who is in-fact related to my co wife. So most times,i feel the odd one out. MashaAllah, I have a very sweet mother-inlaw who makes me feel very welcome and part of the family (more than my husband and his wife i must say). The fact is,my husband is very traditional and most of the time he mixes tradition with Islam. Please i need advise and Islamic perspective on the following issues:
    1. the extent of my relationship with his wife.
    2. His control or relationship with my kids(from previous marriage)
    3. Am i obliged to tell him all my secrets, especially my family affairs
    To answer your question Ana, he visits every two weeks and stays for the weekend(mostly friday-sunday). Also i communicate with my co-wife and is cordial to her (at least every two weeks or as the occassion warants). May Allah SWT continue to make it easy for us and increase our faith. Massalam

  • javeria

    April 9, 2015

    @ ana

    I suppose its because Im a second that I think of her. Also because I was received with a little more consideration than shes been that I feel for her. I mean I felt left out initially also,and atleast they spoke to me. I know what its like for people to look at you and think less of you or badly of you because you are a second wife,or to wonder if you are loopy for having ‘chosen’ this life for yourself. I dont really know how to navigate between them,its a little tricky.I just feel that everyone is busy worrying about the first,someone should consider the second atleast. Insha Allah Allah guide me to do what is best for both sides.

  • anabellah

    April 8, 2015

    @javeria,

    It is very kind of you to be considerate and understanding of the sister who married second. Many times we get so wrapped up in the feelings of the wife who married first that we overlook, minimize, or just don’t care about the feelings of the other sister. As much as you could be there for the second sister, I’m sure it would be helpful and I pray Allah blesses you immensely for your efforts.

  • javeria

    April 8, 2015

    @ana I totally understand.I agree with on the state of some men today.its sad n very discouraging on many women who are interested in Islam.The idea of ending with a man like that is scary. When people ask why ive chosen this life,one of the responses ive given is cos I would rather have my husband who is fair and caring and good to me,half the time,than end up with a man who will harm me,be it physically,emotionally or even religiously….so i understand where u are coming from. Please forgive me if ive offended u as well. May Allah help us and guide us in treating each other with the best of our love and respect.

    Regarding my sister in law….i do think she needs support and I have no doubt it is hard for her. I give her that, but at the same tine I feel like the new wife also needs support.when she accepted Islam her family totally disowned her.so she is now alone when her husband isnt with her and that must be so hard for her. Not to mention that her husbands family only interact with her when the first isnt around or on the sly.also,shes now demonised by the first. It isnt her fault The husband didnt tell the first of the marriage until it was done. If the first wants nothing to do with her thats up to them.but its not fair to keep her from having a relationship with the family. That’s just what I think.If this were done to me I dontknow that I would be able to cope.

    I think she accepted Islam for herself,she has said she was interested in islam before she got married.InshaAllah that is the case

  • anabellah

    April 8, 2015

    @javeria,

    About your sister-in-law, try to take it easy on her. She’s going through a serious thing right about now. All wives have a very difficult time when the husbands become polygamous. Some get through it easier than others. Some can’t handle it at all and remain in the marriage in a miserable state or leave the marriage. Many don’t have the support that this blog provides. She’s probably hurting very badly inside, which is very sad.

    As for the new wife and being new to Islam, if she’s meant to be Muslim and strong in faith, NOTHING will prevent it from happening. On the other hand, if she accepted Islam so she could marry the man, then it’s a whole other ballgame. Only Allah knows how it will turn out. We have to accept Islam for the right reason – to serve and worship Allah and no other reason. Then all will be okay. To accept Islam for any other reason than it, the person won’t be okay. For those striving to be believers or are believers, Allah put believers in their path, so they’re not alone. Allah has got this.

  • anabellah

    April 8, 2015

    @javeria, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’d like to apologize to you. I feel I was a bit harsh in my posts to you and not very tolerant. There is so much injustice that is occurring in the Islamic community at the hands of men who say they are Muslim. The very men who are supposed to protect and maintain women are oppressing them, and causing them much harm. It’s very sad. These men are doing it using Islam as their reason to, but I know the Quran does not authorize such treatment. I’m very passionate in my belief, but it doesn’t give me a right to have a harsh heart towards my brothers and sisters-in-faith when communicating to them. I extend to you my sincerest apology

  • anabellah

    April 8, 2015

    awww, Selma, your post made me teary eyed. It was so nice of you. You have no idea how happy I am that Allah swt has given US all this blog. It’s been a lifesaver polygamy 411 You could not believe how much I’ve grown over the years since we’ve all been together here. My life is better than it ever has been – all praise to Allah.

  • Selma

    April 8, 2015

    @safiya Alaikum al Salam wa rahmutullah welcome to the blog Allah has guided you to.you are in the right place sister real life experiences are right here not to mention the great advice that is given here also from all the sisters and brothers I’ve grew so much mentally and emotionally from reading on this blog for the past three years I couldn’t even get this kind of help from my family I couldn’t talk about any thing or ask it was really confusing and scary for me but thanks to Allah I started googling and there it was this blog and it was my medicine it brang me to real terms of the situation I was in.i ask Allah to shower his mercy and goodness upon Anna who made this blog possible for sisters in need of clarification and advice.

  • anabellah

    April 8, 2015

    @Safiya, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m always happy when sisters and brothers-in-faith find this blog and join us. Alhumdulliah! This blog is quite unique in that most people who are here live polygamous marriages, had lived polygamous marriages or anticipate living it soon. We are not into philosophizing about Islam or viewing it in theory. We are a pro-polygamy blog. We deal mainly with what is real.

    I understand the adjustment period you referred to. Anytime anyone begins a new lifestyle or has a major change in her life it’s an adjustment. So, try not to be too alarmed by it. Before you know it, Insha Allah, you’ll begin to settle in.

    So I take it, you married him second. When he comes to visit you every two weeks, how long does he stay with you? Do you and your co communicate and, if so, how is it working for you?

    Feel free to jump in and chat with the group or ask questions. I’ll try to help as best I can. You will find all the family members here quite nice and helpful. Welcome to our group :-)

  • Safiya

    April 8, 2015

    Assallam alaikum Sisters. I am so happy and exited to stumble on this blog Masha Allah. It is just what i need to strengthen my faith and resolve to make my marriage work Insha Allah. I just remarried (over a year now) after over ten years of being a single mother. Its a great adjustment but Alhamdullilah so far. My co wife and I live in separate cities and my husband visits me every two weeks. I work and so does my husband, my co wife lives with him at the city he works but she is a full-time house wife. This arrangement helps reduce tensions but at the same time I find its taking me longer to integrate into his life and i sometimes miss the normal daily family routine i was used to. I know this forum will Insha Allah help me( and some other friends i will recommend) to be happy in polygamy and put Allah first. Thank you for this opportunity, i look forward to being in the group. Massallam

  • javeria

    April 8, 2015

    @ rabiabint I know its wrong.ive been trying to interact with her co in spite of her objection because thats what I feel is right. The rest of the family however are still walking on eggshells with her. they only met the 2nd once the first had gone on vacation!by then the poor woman had been married for months already and had never met her husbands family.I cant imagine how hard that must have been.

    Ive tried to tell her that she cant hold this woman responsible for her husbands actions. Havent really gotten through.

    I dont know why women dislike their co’s.I like mine,most of the time.sometimes not so much but that isnt because of who she is,rather because of an argument or action that occured between us to cause an issue. some women dislike the co maybe because of the manner in which she came to be the co?or because of the way the co behaves or treats her? I know in my sister in laws case, its a combination of how the marriage took place and a need to blame someone other than her husband.its difficult to blame someone for your unhappiness and continue to live with them i guess.

  • anabellah

    April 8, 2015

    @Selma, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m well. Alhumdulliah. Thank you much for asking :-)

    Three years is a very long time to be in limbo wondering whether your husband will marry another or not. I could imagine it feels similar to already being in a polygamous marriage. The thoughts that women have while in it are probably the thoughts you have now; although the circumstances aren’t the exact same. You still imagine what it would be like being married to a man who is intimate with another woman etc.

    You seem to be doing really good, and have your head on straight. All you could do is what you said you’ve been doing. Good for you, sister.

    You have to truly believe that Allah knows what is best for you. Continue to ask him to give you peace in your soul and contentment. Persevere, continue to pray and do all acts of worship and you should be just fine. Whenever your mind wanders to what you think will be and your imagination (which is probably Satan’s whispers) begins to get the best of you, do as Allah in the Holy Quran says, bring Allah to mind and lo, you will see a right. It’s all good. You’re doing good with the help and permission of Allah.

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    Okay, everyone, I’m falling behind in the reading, and have some catching up to do, which I can’t do right now.

    Bibi,

    About commentaries of the Quran, it’s not a problem we’ve encountered here at polygamy 411. First of all, I read the Quran for myself and understanding as I know Allah teaches the believers. I don’t rely on commentaries and footnotes. Maybe you’ve encountered it else where that people disputed the meaning of the Quran. I very rarely encounter it.

    The problem we’ve encountered here on this blog is people who don’t know what’s in the Quran because they’ve probably have never read it, which I feel safe in saying because of the stuff that comes out their mouths. What they say lets me know they never read it and read it or didn’t know what they were reading.

    People have come here spouting off at the mouth about something saying it is in the Holy Quran when I know for a fact it is not. I know for a fact it came from a Hadith. As I stated before, when I first became Muslim and didn’t know any better, I followed Hadiths, so I know what is the word of Allah and what is he said, she said stuff.

    It’s amazing a person can speak from the Quran and only get he said,she said stuff back, which immediately lets me know the person never read the Holy Quran. I could go on the internet and get babble and lectures, which to me is a waste of my precious time. As I said, no one here has debated about what Allah says in the Holy Quran other than the ones who can’t get the ayah right about men marrying 2, 3 or 4 wives. It’s the most debate that has taken place, which really wasn’t a debate. It was people not having an understanding of the ayah because their desires wanted them to believe it meant something different – hoping it support anti-polygamy views.

    Nonetheless, many Muslims have never read the Quran, which is very problematic when it comes to trying to have an intelligent discussion about Islam with people who claim to be Muslim.

  • Selma

    April 7, 2015

    @bibi my apologies if I offended you but really what I said was from pure love for all my sisters including me so please just take it as advice and not a judgment only Allah knows what’s truly in our hearts and our intentions

  • Selma

    April 7, 2015

    @anna Al Salam Alaikum how are you in sha Allah fine I’m doing ok it’s been really tough for me the past 3 years but I’m trying my best to cope and try to make the best out of what Allah has given me.and I’m not in a polygamous marriage yet I don’t know when is it gonna happen or if it’s gonna happen to be honest I don’t see a difference it’s as if I’m in a waiting game we’ll not a fun game it’s as if I’m just waiting for the trigger to be pulled with the gun that is against my head .horrible feeling but there’s nothing I can do as this is in the hands of Allah all I can do is make duua for peace In my soul and to ask Allah to choose what he knows is good for me al hamdallah

  • rabiabint

    April 7, 2015

    ASA All

    @Javeria

    You’re sister need to stop…. and look at the bigger picture. Allah may have sent her a co-wife so she can teach her about Islam… How many men and woman convert to Islam and doesn’t have someone to teach them or have their back as a new Muslim?

    Lots….

    Maybe you can speak to your sister… It’s not the wife’s fault her husband remarried.

    Which brings me to this question- Why do some women dislike their co-wife? why be angry at her? The husband is who she married. Should the wives be mad at him?

    That’s confusing…

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    @rabiabint,

    Thank you much and thank you and Selma for smoothly transitioning away from the volatile discussion. Alhumdulliah!

    No problem, Bibi.

  • Bibi

    April 7, 2015

    Selma what are u talking about your just popping in saying nonsense no one is bragging. Now I can’t say I love Tahujjud time. It’s not like I’m saying oh I finish Quran every month I read this much a day I give this much in zakaat I simply said I love Tahujjud is that is that a sin too my gosh some ppl are too judgemental. I can’t speak about Islamic books I read people have book clubs and suggest good reads not that they are bragging. You don’t know me if u do you’d know I’m not that type but people sit behind their computers throwing all their negativity out on others for no reason. I really have to edit my comments five times and swift through my words before posting instead of speaking openly and from my heart

    @ana apologies for speaking about an app it’s your blog your rules. I wasn’t saying adultery has nothing to do with poly I was saying Muslims have their own beliefs and I didn’t want to disrespect anyone’s beliefs by stating mines. No one is ALLAH no one knows what is 100% true and what happened before or after the time of our Holy Prophet PBUH it’s all speculation. The truth is in the holy Quran but even a lot of people have their own crooked understanding of what the Quran says called commentaries. I’m not sure what you were trying to do by writing ALLAH is forgiving compassionate merciful kind the same ways I described our Holy Prophet SAWS so I’m not going to assume.

  • rabiabint

    April 7, 2015

    As salaamu Alaikum

    As Ana requested I won’t share downloads and apps…

    I just use those to occupy my time….My family knows now not to ask me anything and I’ve limited myself on what and who I share my news or feeling with.

    The whole Niqab thing… yeah… its a wait and see kinda thing. I spoke to my husband about it…

    And that’s another thing… I have to remind myself not to look or depend to much on others views… instead go to the source. In this case my husband.. I wanted his take on me not showing my face….
    In end we agreed… we will focus on that when the time comes..inshallah

    Right now its all about purchasing tickets and getting the house in order.

    My father and Him spoke the other day and it was so pleasing to learn that my dad remembered him.

    My father suffers with dementia and it has gotten worse over the years. But he remembered his son- in law… and of course asked him when is he coming back… LOL

    When those two are together.. and talk about Islam and stuff I have to leave the room..
    LOL

    FYI- I don’t know if he has told the second wife… and I’m not pushing on it anymore..

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    Javeria,

    I cited the ayat from Quran at the very beginning of the discussions.https://www.polygamy411.com/april-2015-discussions/#comment-6466 (you have to scroll beneath to reach the related comment). Furthermore, information is in the Holy Quran about the Battle of Badr etc. and what’s not in there isn’t needed.

    Read the Quran and then come back and talk to me when you know what’s in it, Insha Allah.

  • Selma

    April 7, 2015

    @salam ladies this is a big no no stop showing off about your worship real sincerity of your love or closeness to Allah doesn’t need to be bragged about and is not supposed to be bragged about .and bragging discredits your good deeds so beware .jazakum Allah khair

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    @Selma,
    I hear you, sister. Allah who I’ve read about in the Holy Quran is far more Merciful than what people said he ordained as a punishment. Besides the beheadings, it’s the worse barbaric act I’ve heard of in the 21st century. Whether it’s happening in the country I live in or not, I won’t turn a blind eye to it. Know that isn’t much I can do about it, but I won’t have a nonchalant attitude about it.

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    Again, I kindly ask everyone to refrain from discussing downloads and apps here. Thank you!

  • Selma

    April 7, 2015

    @anna oh my I couldn’t look or listen omg omg I couldn’t see or hear the last part as soon as the stoning started I felt dizzy and I was about to faint Allah is way merciful than that

  • javeria

    April 7, 2015

    I agree with rabiabint. Im done arguing about this.ive said my piece and insha Allah whatever is right is from Allah and whatevr iswrong is from me and shaytaan may Allah forgive me.

    Its 2:30 am here lol I should be asleep but I seem to have developed insomnia.
    @rabiabint what app did u download?the android playstore has so many and alot of them have weird gimmicks and arent all that productive.so if u find a good one please share!

    Out of curiousity are there any sisters who went from living with their co’s to being totally apart? Id love to know how they found the difference. My sister in law isin a poly marriage,she and her co dont get along at all.they pretend the other doesnt exist.which is sad since her co is a new Muslim and doesnt interact with us much cos my sil kicks up a fuss.I worry it will affect the 2nd wifes practice of Islam and things.any suggestions?its becoming a tense situation between the 2 of them and none of us know how to help

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    With it said, lets stay focused on polygamy and what relates to it – NOT APPS OR DOWNLOADS. You could nip that one in the bud.

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    The reason the subject of adultery was being discussed here was because Ummof4 replied to a commentator about how serious an offense adultery is, which no one disputes and no one didn’t know. She gave an indication and impression that a woman who is a believer in Islam would not stand by her husband who had committed adultery, but would divorce him. I believe it important that I let those people here and those reading know that Allah is a Most Forgiving, Most Merciful God who is Oft-fogiving (forgives again, and again, and again) and Allah, if He pleases will forgive a person who committed adultery for having committed it. A woman doesn’t have to hate her husband, nor leave him because he committed adultery. The man or woman can repent (sincerely feel remorseful for what he or she has done, and vow to intend not to repeat the act again), ask Allah to forgive him or her and Allah, if He pleases, could very well do it. It’s a sin that Allah will forgive a person for.

    Everyone commits sins and will continue to commit them till the day they die. It’s Irks me when self-righteous people come here pointing fingers at others for a sin they committed when a person who reads the Holy Quran knows that Allah forgives sins. They need to point the finger back at themselves. The women who come here and say their husbands married the women who they had been seeing, knows good and darn well divorce is an option. She knows good and darn well that adultery is a serious, major offense. She didn’t need anyone to remind her. Those women pretty much come here looking for help in how to cope with the pain and agony they experience from being in a polygamous relationship. The adultery isn’t what’s important to her. As far as a woman losing trust in her husband for having committed adultery, she should not have trusted him anyhow. Allah says those who trust put their trust in HIM (ALLAH).

    I simply pointed out that adultery is not a sin punishable by stoning. It is not the most serious sin a person can commit. It is a forgivable sin and that people shouldn’t get it twisted. If a person reads Quran they’d know what a kind, just, compassionate, forgiving, merciful God, Allah is.

    The subject HAS relevance to polygamy. I’m not trying to make anyone see how I see or hear how I hear. Allah determines who gets what. I’m simply saying on my watch I won’t tolerate someone coming here spreading untruth and not speak up about it.

  • Bibi

    April 7, 2015

    I agree rabiabint you have such a wonderful demeanour. Let’s see. I read the Holy Quran with translation teach it. I read various durood Salaams and stories of the Prophets Caliphs and Sheihk Abdul Qadir Jilani of Babgdad etc. Tahujjud is my favourite time of the day. I feel the closest to my ALLAH during that time. I am very familiar with the Arabic language. What is the name of the app you downloaded

  • javeria

    April 7, 2015

    Please don’t presume to know what I do or dont know,in the same way that I dont make it a personal attack.If u mean that I dont know if it occured because I wasnt there then by that line of thought we shouldnt believe the battle of badr occured,or the treaty of hudaybiyah,or the farewell hajj.cos we werent there right?If you question the authenticity of what I’ve said please feel free to research it.Im totally confident in its truth.If it cant be an argument based on academics instead of personal emotion then its maybe better to end this topic now while there is still respect. Regarding the verse on flogging,it is specific to the fornicator n doesnt include the adulterer. See verse 2 of surah an nur. Secondly there are numerous clear ahadeeth differentiating between adultery and fornication as well as a basic English definition showing a clear difference.so please show me where in quran it says that flogging is for the adulterer.If you can tell me that I will accept that you have a point. Thirdly, if you dont know,you cannot call it nonsense.its like saying someone is an idiot because they dont speak the same language as you. Fourth, aisha ra ranked among the best scholars during the prophets time had more knowledge than you and I combined.she was among those tasked with recording revelation as well as the hadith of her husband and and his interpretation of revelation in accordance with the reason it was revealed at the time.she spent her life studying deen. If nothing else, her “she saids” are relevant.I dont understand the reason for your comment about the veil between the quran and the disbeliever?who is the disbeliever who doesnt understand the quran? Lastly, as abhorrent as the idea of stoning someone is,so is the idea of flogging,killing,crucifixion,dismemberment,taking of slaves. These are all lawful within the right circumstances as proved on the quran. Allah says, “And there is (a saving of) life for you in Al-Qisaas (the Law of Equality in punishment), O men of understanding, that you may become Al-Muttaqoon (the pious)”al-Baqarah 2:17. So there is a reason for everything whether we dislike that thing or not.

  • rabiabint

    April 7, 2015

    Wa Alaikum Salaam

    Can we all agree to disagree… many scholars have done this…

    Another thing some of us live on a country were Stoning doesn’t even exist so why discuss an act that would be illegal and an act of murder in the country we live in?

    I’m just saying….don’t bite my head off… I don’t plan on going to some rural part of an arab country and tell them “they are wrong for doing such and such..” Cause I don’t wanna die.. So if I can’t do it there.. I don’t see the point in getting into a debate about it here.. I shared my view and what I was taught… and I ask Allah (SWT) if I said something incorrect to forgive me.

    Allah (SWT) knows my intentions…. and that’s all that matters to me.

    Some of you may not like it and and THAT’S FINE… I came here to meet other sisters in poly-marriages..
    Not debate over matters that would be against the law in my homeland.
    Lets move on to a new topic:

    I just downloaded a Islam Quiz app… So far I’m getting 79-90% scores…

    I don’t know a lot of Arabic terminology but its fun learning new things… the app also have various stories of the Sahabahs….

    And I downloaded the Biography of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW), Quran and some nasheeds..

    What are some of things do you do to keep your iman in check?

  • Bibi

    April 7, 2015

    Salaams all
    Just to make myself clear, I never stated I believed in the stoning. I said I never read that anywhere before. This is a sight about polygamy not about trying to get people to believe what you believe that’s why I didn’t go more in depth with javeria. Our Holy Prophet PBUH was so loving kind compassionate forgiving and merciful. Mankind today compile books wording them the way THEY see fit AstugfirALLAH.
    So I couldn’t dare view the video. How awful.

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    What you’ve written, I have no idea whether it occurred or not, neither do you. I know the Quran is the word of Allah and Allah says it is the only Book that He protected from corruption. He says He places a veil between the Quran and the person who reads it, who is not a believer. I suppose it is one of the reasons a person doesn’t comprehend any ayat (verses) from the Quran that is place before him or her. It’s why they have a need to rely on other books put together by man. I have no time to deal with what this one, that one and the other one said that she said he said, they said and blah, blah, blah. It’s all over the internet. You deal with it and try to figure it out. I simply intend to put the TRUTH from the Quran out there when people come here talking nonsense.

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    I haven’t finished reading your post, but will, Insha Allah, once I write this response. The Quran was revealed to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in stages over a period of 23 years. Did he order the stoning before he received the revelation about flogging???

  • javeria

    April 7, 2015

    I cant agree with that, why would the prophet have ordered stoning prior to revelation if it were not commanded to him?in fact he commanded nothing that wasnt from Allah. You yourself said his life was the quran and anything else is something else. He implemented stoning during his lifetime. Also, why would there be statements from the sahaba,even the first 4 caliphs,the leaders of the muslims reaffirming the validity of as well as instances of them carrying out stoning if it wasnt lawful?in fact in Islamic history it is known that the corruption and falsification of laws came about only after these caliphs and that is the only reason there were orders to compile hadith narrations.before that the knowledge of the sahaba and the righteous predecessors was sufficient to not require this. And they carried out stoning. The hadith that I mentioned was of a man confessing his sin. If you said desperation and needing of advice before he committed zina like in the case of the man who asked for advice on controlling his desires to protect his chastity when he could not marry and was told to fast, I could understand.but after? Thats like asking how to keep a glass from falling after its already shattered. what about muhammad pbuh’s last sermon which contained specific mention of stoning? this was post revelation, so will you say that the whole narration is false? I have even heard mention of a verse in the quran regarding stoning that was abrogated in recitation but not in law but I dont have the knowledge of that or any knowledge regarding its authenticity to discuss it. Yes we are instructed to expose the truth when we know it. On the flip side we are also instructed to speak only of that which we know because it is easy to turn an interpretation into a bidah practice. So the statements of umar ra are false? He commited Shirk by saying that the prophet carried out stoning and so shall we(the sahaba at the time)? You are claiming them deviant as well as generations of scholars mentioned in Islamic history that had better access to sources of knowledge than you or I.they were all wrong,deviated,even committers of kufr? That is your implication. Also there is a difference in reading something and drawing your own conclusion blindly and reading and researching what you have read,discussing with other people of learning,which is the way of learning taught by the prophet to his followers and was implemented by many knowledgeable people, including the wives of the prophet (pbuh) the best of women. Im sorry, but if its good enough for those guaranteed jannah, it is definitely good enough for me. I dont pull my argument out of a crazy lady hat.I guess one of the perks of being a co wife is having time to learn the deen. I only speak of that which I have learnt researched and know for is authentic and valid.

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was NOT an idiot, so people should not make him sound like one. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was the walking Quran. He was a man of Honor. He was the Best of Mankind.

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    Perhaps stoning was carried out before the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received the revelation that flogging is NOW the punishment for man and woman and four witnesses to the sexual penetration of the female is needed. Allah knows best. We do know, however, that stoning is not the punishment Allah prescribes in the Holy Quran and in 2015.

    The Sunnah (the way of life) of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was the Holy Quran, which Allah revealed to him and he lived it. Anything else is who knows what???

    The point of the blog isn’t to debate shariah; you are correct, but Allah instructs us not to conceal the TRUTH when we know it. So, I won’t sit back and let someone talk crazy here.

    You mean to tell me that a person went to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) for help and advice in desperation and the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) only turned his head this way, that way and the other, and never answered the man? They then took him off to be stoned. What sense does that make? In the Quran Allah gives us answers. We don’t have to sit around and try to figure things out.

  • javeria

    April 7, 2015

    Gosh I just realised what essays I type! Sorry! Lol this discussion made me think of something a female speaker I heard a few weeks ago said. One of the greatest problems muslims have, is that we are judged not by the beauty of our perfect faith but by the faults and wrongdoings of other muslims.if only people would see Islam through Islam,instead of through its imperfect followers, the world would see how wonderful this way of life is.
    Its like the isis thing.many non muslims say Islam is barbaric, muslims are this that and whatever, this religion has no place in modern time etc based on the behaviour of individuals,deviants, wrong doers. And its often the wrong behaviour that gets splashed everywhere and blown up, instead of the multitudes of good that occur everywhere everyday.

  • javeria

    April 7, 2015

    Thats so my point, the conditions that have to be met to actually carry out a stoning are so difficult to achieve, especially in todays time that it should be virtually impossible.even in the case of confession, the prophet would turn away, try to avoid this punishment. In the case I mentioned the man stoned would not stop until his confession was acknowledged.people that carry out stoning today have 9 times out of 10 twisted the ruling or carried it out under false judgement.as for this concept of only stoning the woman,it is utter nonsense and probably also a distortion of Islamic law to protect the foolish man. Also as horrific as stoning is,it is meant as a deterrent more than anything else,as with flogging.100 lashes is no joke.The son of umar ra died when he was lashed if im not mistaken.its not meant to just shed the blood of a Muslim, as it is lawful to kill the apostate,the spy,the murderer(if the deceased’s family wishes It.) also as marie said,the hudd can only be carried out afyer judgement in an Islamic court in a Muslim state.so on that alone, these punishments shouldnt be happening. Nevertheless, stoning is lawful and is not just a made up thing post Muhammed. It was carried out during his time on his orders and as Allah says in al imran: Say, [O Muhammad], “If you should love Allah , then follow me, [so] Allah will love you and forgive you your sins. And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.” verse 31. So by following the hadith you are following the sunnah and hence following the quran because to follow the sunnah is a command from Allah. Also,there is a big difference between blind following and checking the authenticity of what you are reading before you accept it.

    Im jumping off my soapbox now lol. The point of this blog isn’t to debate shariah no?

    @ bibi you live in one house with both your co’s?I dnt know if I would be able to handle that…i like being able to shut the door n be in my own space,being able to not have to be privy to my co’s arguments,conversations etc. I mean there are times if my house is very quiet even with the door closed I can hear the other side. I remember once I heard the shower running at 2am and it killed me,I cudnt handle it,because I knew there was only one reason to shower at that hour.if I was in the same house that would be unavoidable no?
    As for the whole kids thing….i dont know how I would feel.Im expecting my first now,my co has 3,I know it must be really hard for her,I try not to like,put it in her face. But alhamdulillah, she is very supportive now with advice and help.I appreciate it so much cos she could be difficult about it or make it miserable, I dont know that I could be so nice if it were reversed. We all have the same natural feelings,just some feel it more than others or about different things.I know with me,there are certain things that dont bother me as much as they do her and vice versa…i guess the whole living together thing is a tricky thing to navigate.It was hard at first, I even wanted to move at one point.but the benefit outweighed the losses,we stuck it out and it is getting easier alhamdulillah.we still have those fights,about a month ago we had a shouting match about a flat tyre of all things,n it got crazy about a stupid thing.but we were fine a few days later.in the same way I fight with my sister ironically lol

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    Allah is the Great Forgiver. He is the Most Forgiving and Most Merciful. He says He Forgives again and again and again. He says He is Oft-Forgiving.

    Besides killing a Believer intentionally, the most heinous of sins is shirk (making something or someone equal to Allah or giving Him a partner).

    Allah in the Holy Quran stated the following:

    “Allah forgiveth not that partners should be set up with Him; but He forgiveth anything else, to whom He pleaseth; to set up partners with Allah is to devise a sin Most heinous indeed.” Quran: Surah 4, ayah 48

    Allah throughout the ENTIRE Quran speaks about the Onesness of Him and that there is nothing equal to Him. Yet people rely on books other than Allah’s Books that He mentions in the Holy Quran

    Allah says:
    “And there are among them illiterates, who know not the Book, but (see therein their own) desires, and they do nothing but conjecture.” Quran: Surah 2, ayah 78

    “Then woe to those who write the Book with their own hands, and then say:”This is from Allah,” to traffic with it for miserable price!- Woe to them for what their hands do write, and for the gain they make thereby.” Quran: Surah 2, ayah 79

  • Laila

    April 7, 2015

    Dear Ana, I just watched the video. Must say, it was disturbing, backward, mean and inhumane to me. My heart goes out to the woman in that video.

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    Not only that, men rape women and men stone the woman because a man raped her. I don’t hear anyone complaining about it, let alone do anything about it. What are those people who call themselves sheiks, Imans, scholars etc (men who are praised for doing nothing) and such doing about the injustices that are inflicted upon women?

  • Marie

    April 7, 2015

    Assalaamu alaykum all.

    I’ll throw my 2cents in on stoning.
    Whether one believes that stoning or lashes is the punishment for adultery and fornication is for them to answer for when their time comes.
    Ana wrote earlier that 4 witness’s are needed. And that these crimes are not supposed to be public knowledge.

    Further to that, the 4 witness’s MUST have seen the ‘act’. That does not mean two people kissing or even lying under the same sheet, they have to have saw penetration. Also the 4 witness’s must not have even one blemish against their name.
    Now I cannot imagine such a circumstance where BOTH people would be found guilty for the punishment to be carried out. Also a hadd punishment can only be enforced by a caliph, which as far as I know, their is no one qualified to hold that position.

    It’s extremely sad that ignorant people across the world carry out these punishments and think that they are correct in doing so. I hope that the women and men who have been subjected to such injustice and oppression are forgiven for their sins and those who carried the punishment out are given their recompense in full.

  • rabiabint

    April 7, 2015

    Wa Alaikum Salaam,

    You know the whole stoning thing is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO out of text… amongst muslim today… Esp the cultured muslim that living in the boondock of no where… and haven’t studied Islam.. or changed Islam to be some male driven faith…

    To catch a person in the act- They betta be porn star…. LOL that’s the only way… “You have to see the act as the khol stick going into the khol jar”

    The hadith that mentions the man confessing to the Prophet (SAW)- again … if wasn’t to say Oh a person confess so you stone him..

    When the man confessed the Prophet (SAW) was telling me to keep it to himself… and didn’t want to hear it… As a form of protection the servant.. but by the third or fourth time.. . he heard it … the order was sent.

    Hence why in the Quran it state Allah forgive all sins except shirk.

    Now lets bring it back to the clip… Stoning and a pre Islamic behavior… a punishment the jews used to do… and muslims in the rural area are quick to throw stones at woman but never the men… Unislamic.

    Everytimes that’s a stoning clip its the women that gets stoned… a woman can commit zina or adultery… get pregnant and still get stoned while the men roam free… SMH

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    I replaced the video with a better copy as the other was defective.

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    Those who support stoning, watch the video below and watch it well. Don’t turn your heads. Why can’t you watch what you are in favor of? Why can’t you watch what you support and condone?

    So, it is what you want for your sister-in-faith (women). You want that which is inhumane and goes against what Allah who is God tells us in the Holy Quran. How barbaric, backwards and clueless “Muslims” are who accept such a thing. Now, I totally understand who Allah refers to when He said some people are “Deaf, Dumb, and Blind”. They cover TRUTH with falsehood and belie (contradict, slander) His signs (ayat). People who support stoning are terrorist. They are the same as ISL who follow the Hadiths and threw the Quran behind their backs. How pathetically sad…

  • Bibi

    April 7, 2015

    Salaams to all. @javeria welcome. I enjoyed reading your pout I must say I’m not familiar with that hadith. I read many but this is my first time hearing this particular. It’s intresting. Goes to show you how heinous of a sin adultery is. May Allah save us from such torment and falling astray to such.

    It’s nice being able to get along with your co or in my case co’s. Like you said we have our off days but majority of the time we can respect one another to gain the pleasure and blessings of Almighty Allah. It does make things harder living closeby in my case I’m in the same big house sometimes I feel suffocated. What can I do besides accept the decree of ALLAH.
    This blog is a saviour for many. In the future I hope to read more in depth of what exactly in us as women have in our hearts as first second and so forth that we struggle with in the beginning especially, some women it’s the time that’s gets them. Some is money others is the excruciating feeling of when your husband is intimate with another wife and have kids by them. I’ve been married for almost 8 years and now have two kids. I often think of how I will react if my husbands other wives have more kids. They haven’t since I’ve married but I know it’s a possibility. If we understood these natural feelings maybe we could tackle them better in a positive way.

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    @javeria, Wa Alaikum As Salaam :-)

    Welcome to the 411. It is nice that you are here. I am especially happy to hear the blog has been helpful to you. We have many silent readers. It’s always good to have people step forward, and make their presence known. It is wonderful that you’ve shared how you and your co-wife communicate – the good, bad and the ugly. I could certainly see how cos could have a harmonious relationship when they are on the same page. I like that you shared with us a realistic view of how your communications are. It makes total sense.

    As for the stoning mentioned in the Hadiths, I don’t doubt for a moment that people got together after the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) death and put together books with information that suit the way they want people to live oppose to following the Holy Quran (the word of Allah) that Allah gave us by way of His Prophet Muhammad (PBUH).

    What people must decide for themselves is whether they will go with the word of Allah that He, Himself, protected from corruption and He says He included in it everything we need or they want to go with what men put together 100s of years or so after the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) death.

    Allah clearly in the Holy Quran says flogging is the punishment for a man or woman who commits fornication or adultery. The person could avoid the punishment if he or she repents prior to the punishment being imposed. Allah says He forgives all sins except shirk and the intentional killing of a believer and yet out of His mercy He forgives those two as well, if a person repent and seek His forgiveness before death.

    A person commits shirk when they make anything such as a Hadith equal with the word of Allah who is God or put it before what Allah says. I totally understand why the Muslim world is in the condition it is in. Many Muslims commit shirk – one of the most serious sins a person can commit when they make books compiled by man equal with the Holy Quran (word of Allah).

  • javeria

    April 7, 2015

    Assalaamualaikum
    I love this blog! It keeps me sane and focused in those moments when I wonder if I was nuts when I decided to live this way. It also reminds me that im not alone, and many others have done it and are fine and gives me motivation to keep going!

    Just as a point of interest,nooot for the sake of argument.
    The concept of stoning is not mentioned in the quran but is mentioned in various saheeh hadeeth. One such example: Sayyiduna Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) narrates: “A man from amongst the people came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) while he (the Messenger of Allah) was sitting in the Masjid, and addressed him, saying: “O Messenger of Allah! I have committed illegal sexual intercourse.” The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) turned his face away from him. The man came to that side to which the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) had turned his face, and said: “O Messenger of Allah! I have committed illegal intercourse.” The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) turned his face to the other side, and the man came to that side. When he confessed four times, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) called him and said: “Are you insane?” He said: “No, O Messenger of Allah!” The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “Are you married?” He said: “Yes, O Messenger of Allah!” The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said (to the people): “Take him away and stone him to death.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, no: 6439)
    It is a valid punishment for the person who is married and has either confessed or like ana has said, 4 witnesses have testifed,amongst other conditions.it is very difficult to rule in favour of stoning because of the conditions set down by quran and hadith and unfortunately many stonings carried out today have been ruled incorrectly. However it is a legal punishment for adultery in the case of a married person,man or woman according to the sunnah of Muhammed (pbuh). Allah says “Say, [O Muhammad], “If you should love Allah , then follow me, [so] Allah will love you and forgive you your sins. And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.”” (3:31)
    Sorry for the long story,thats just my 2 cents lol.

    @ rabiabint I so admire your wish to befriend your co wife! My Co and I tried very much to be friends and we might have succeeded had we not chose to live so close together. We live next door to each other with an adjoining door between the houses btw. I think that sometimes contibutes to a lot of crazy lol. But essentially we do get along, we can hold a convo,we attend functions together, we can laugh together (sometimes at our husband lol) and we can sometimes support each other if the one is down or upset.Dont get me wrong,we do have our blow outs, in the few years ive been married we’ve had some heavy screaming matches and our fair share of murderous thoughts lol! But mostly we co exist in peace. I think that outside of sharing a husband we cud be really good friends, its mostly our jealousy that creates a barrier. At the moment my husband is in hospital, and we go there together,sit together,organise his things n whatever else without any conflict or ill feeLings. So dont lose total hope,it is possible to get along atleast some of the time like ana says,if you are both willing to try for the sake of Allah,if nothing else.

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2015

    Ok, it’s quiet here, so I can go out on a limb and have a little fun.

    An Egyptian friend once told me something I will never forget. He said, “You have to love life for life to love you. I believe it is true.

    The following video is NOT for those who don’t listen to music. The video has nothing to do with polygamy. It’s just for fun.

    Good night, everyone. Insha Allah, I’ll chat with you all later… tweet, tweet

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful friends out there in cyber space!

    On a lighter note,JollyI’m hopeful everyone is having a fantastic Monday. Every day above ground is a good day! Love to you all…

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2015

    Adultery is a sin that Allah will forgive, if the person repents and asks Allah to forgive him or her.

    Allah doesn’t forgive a person who commits shirk or intentionally kills a believer, unless the person repents and asks Allah to forgive him or her before he or she dies.

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2015

    Speaking of adultery, yes adultery is a serious offense.The problem is people have made up their own laws about adultery and the punishment for it. They don’t follow the dictates of the Holy Quran. As with many things, they’ve resorted back to pre-Islamic times – before the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was given the revelation – the Holy Quran.

    Over the years, a few Muslim women have come to this blog and said a person is suppose to be stoned if she commits adultery. It’s an untruth. The penalty for adultery is flogging.

    Allah says:

    “The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication,- flog each of them with a hundred stripes: Let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day: and let a party of the Believers witness their punishment.” Quran: Surah 24, Ayah 2

    Furthermore, four witnesses are needed to the adulterous act. It leads me to believe that UNLESS the parties were having sex out in the open, in public, leave the matter alone and let Allah deal with the matter on His own, as there will not be four witnesses.

    In the Holy Quran, Allah says:

    “Why did they not bring four witnesses to prove it? When they have not brought the witnesses, such men, in the sight of Allah, (stand forth) themselves as liars!” Quran: Surah 24, ayah 13

    To take it a step further, when a husband or a wife accuses the other of unfaithfulness and there are no witnesses, there is an oath they are supposed to take between the two of them:

    Allah in the Holy Quran says:

    “And for those who launch a charge against their spouses, and have (in support) no evidence but their own,- their solitary evidence (can be received) if they bear witness four times (with an oath) by Allah that they are solemnly telling the truth;” Quran: Surah 24, ayah 6

    “And the fifth (oath) (should be) that they solemnly invoke the curse of Allah on themselves if they tell a lie.” Quran: Surah 24, ayah 7

    “But it would avert the punishment from the wife, if she bears witness four times (with an oath) By Allah, that (her husband) is telling a lie;” Quran: Surah 24, ayah 8

    “And the fifth (oath) should be that she solemnly invokes the wrath of Allah on herself if (her accuser) is telling the truth.”
    Quran: Surah 24, ayah 9

    An appalling thing to me that men still stone women in 2015, which is contrary to Islam. It’s contrary to what Allah says in the Holy Quran. Furthermore, anytime I’ve seen a stoning on Youtube, only the woman is stoned. What? They excused the man who had sex with her?

    I watched a stoning on youtube a few days ago. The man said stoning is the punishment for a woman who commits adultery but Allah left it out the Quran. Allah tells us that He has left NOTHING out of the Quran that we need. Everything we need is in the Holy Quran. Anyone who says differently calls Allah a liar.

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2015

    @Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’ve been intending to contact “Spirited”. She definitely has been on my mind. She and I last chatted via email right before I went on vacay. She’s been extremely busy, but she is well and all is okay with her. She hasn’t had time to come to the blog. Insha Allah, I’ll check on her later today, and will let her know you enquired about her.

  • ummof4

    April 6, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Nabila, I am assuming that you, your husband and his new wife are all Muslim. If so, and if your husband and his new wife had sexual relations before marriage, then they are guilty of adultery. Adultery is a major sin in Islam and most other major religions of the world. There is no reason for it, especially if the man can marry another wife.
    Only you can make the decision to remain married to your husband or to divorce. Some women who have adulterous husbands stay with them for years. Some feel that the fact that their husband marries his adultery partner makes everything okay.
    On the other hand, there are some wives who cannot stay married to an adulterous husband. The trust that has been broken and the law of Islam that has been broken is too serious for them. These wives choose to divorce their husbands and move on with their lives.
    You know which category you are in. Ask Allah for guidance and continue to rely on Him and Him alone to give you relief.

    May Allah forgive us all for our sins and make us obedient slaves to Him.

    Spirited, where are you? Ana, have you heard from her?

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2015

    About the suicide thing, which Mari2 mentioned as well, it’s something no one could understand except the person who has those thoughts. I’m not talking about the ones that play act for attention. If a person could understand suicidal thoughts and what a person is going through who considers suicide, she or he probably would try committing it him or herself. No one could begin to understand what those people experience, the severe despair. My husband’s best friend had a wife and child. He seemed very happy in his life. He committed suicide. He shot himself in the head.

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2015

    @rabiabint,

    I totally get where you are coming from and that you are familiar with polygamous lives. I understand you wanting to be friends with a co-wife. I’m simply saying we know most likely it’s not what she wants. So, do you sit around dwelling on how you want things to be or look at what you are dealing with realistically? We don’t always get what we want. It may take years for her to come around to accept polygamy and then, too, she may never accept it. If she ever learns of you, she will need time to process what has happened to her and get her life right with her husband. The last thing she’ll probably want to do is deal with you.

    One thing I’ve learned is we all don’t view conditions and circumstances the same way. You may try your best to befriend her and she may run from you. She may not want to be bother with you. She may want to pretend you don’t exist. You then end up fretting yourself to death chasing after something that wasn’t meant to be. Take a page out of others stories. Just because you want something to be a certain way means nothing. Allah may not have written the script that way. We shall not will except as Allah wills. The best way to proceed in my mind would be to leave everything with regard to you and her to Allah. However Allah wills it; go with it.

  • rabiabint

    April 6, 2015

    Ana

    I said I might be very naïve in thinking will be friends… And all these crazy thoughts has been implanted in my mind from what I read… to my other Muslims friends reaction and so forth. Don’t apologize for being blunt… its your opinion.

    To be blunt: I am over thinking things. All those questions you posted I’ve already asked myself and mentioned it to him… And maybe I am putting the cart before the horse…

    And maybe I’m being silly… and maybe my views on polygamy is totally off…

    But again.. My parents were polygamous… My mom was his second wife. And a few of his friends have two wives.

    This maybe my first Poly-marriae but in all honestly I grew up around polygamous marriages… I grew up with children who had two mothers.

    I’ve also am aware of a Poly-marriage gone wrong…
    I remember a wife sharing how shocked she was by her co-wife snubbing her… She said My husband ( who was my mother’s friends son) is young and so I was fine with him having a second wife. I even hosted the walima. But now my co-wife doesn’t want anything to do with me. But I got over it. ” LOL

    I’ve seen older sisters talking to the wives… about their differences.
    IDK maybe its a common thing in my community… An Imam’s wife for a long time wanted him to have another wife.

    I’ve seen the ugly side of a poly marriage where a woman wanted to end her life. and she wasn’t being melodramatic- She was on the balcony… If it wasn’t for her daughters… Allahu Alim.

    When she calmed down- she said it wasn’t the polygamy part that pushed her… but knowing that she’s the bread winner of the house ( he wasn’t) and he was having an affair with the woman before getting married… Constant lying to her… about his where about. All he had to do was tell her….

    And this could be why I feel the way I do for my co-wife… I don’t want that…

    I remember two women debating and a brother said “So and So wives are fighting”

    I don’t want that…

    On the flip side a sister share her good days with her co-wife. The children visit each other… They sit together during EID.

    I member a friend of mine came home and shared a Shaykh has two wives… they cook together…

    I want this…

    I watched an episode of muslim co-wives in Malaysia and how they all get along… . each wife has a different chores…the sharing in the caring of the kids…

    I want this.

    His

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2015

    Don’t you think he told her that you wanted the separation and he divorced you? Don’t you think once she finds out you and he are back together she’d have animosity towards you for you seemingly wanting him back just because she is now with him? The whole thing of him refusing to let you go, I can’t get with. Divorce is not difficult to get in Islam. He granted you your wish for divorce the first time, and didn’t force you to remain married to him. I’m simply looking at the picture objectively. When you are in the picture you can’t see the picture.

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2015

    @rabiabint, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I can’t recall anyone who has come to this blog who got along with her co-wife other than superficially and pretend. One or two did for a hot minute and that was it. Co-wives usually want to meet to size each other up. It the main reason for the meeting. To think your husband’s other wife will want anything to do with you other that it, is wishful thinking at best. He’s afraid to tell her about you. Now, that is huge. Why is he affraid? Because he has a very good idea that there is no way on Allah’s green earth that she will accept polygamy. He is afraid she will leave him. The last thing she will want to do is get chummy with you. So, why would you want to meet her? What nationality is she? What religion is she? If she’s not a believer, trying and wanting to serve Allah and embrace polygamy because Allah permits it and has made your husband polygamous, she won’t want any parts of you. The little you know thus far is that she is not that person. If she was, your husband would have told her of you long ago.

    She will be jealous because all women are jealous, and must learn to subjugate it, if they have knowledge and understanding. To think she may have no jealousy, and will welcome you with open arms is a dream. If I were you, I’d forget about meeting her and focus on getting my marriage in order. Who cares whether she thinks you’re pretty or not pretty, you are young and she is old or you are fat and she is skinny. It’s all superficial bullcrap that doesn’t matter.

    If you want a sister, go to the masjid and befriend the sisters there. You’d have a better chance of finding one there than in your husband’s other wife. If you think for a second your husband’s other may spit in your face or call you a “B” then you need not be thinking about wanting to meet her. I think you put the cart before the horse. Wait till he tells her, if he ever will. Find out her reaction and whether she even remains married to him. THEN, see if she wants anything at all to do with you. Perhaps you will one day talk to her on the phone or somehow or another and then maybe one day meet her face to face, after all of that takes place. Right now you’re living in your head. It’s nothing, but a dream. It’s not real… You need to snap out of it and get real. Excuse me for being blunt.

  • rabiabint

    April 5, 2015

    Was

    I know as I get deeper into my faith I will have to let A Lot of people go but I never thought it would my sister. Allah yest us in so many ways.

    I don’t care to show my face to my Co because she seem like the jealous type. She might think I’m pretty or not…
    and worse she might spit in my face…call me a B****

    Ok that last part maybe far fetched but it still runs through my mind. What if she takes her anger out on me.

    And if she does go there…what do I do?
    I’m not about to cat fight a woman…

    what if she treats me like her little pet but be all smile and nice when He’s around?

  • anabellah

    April 5, 2015

    @rabiabint, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I know you must be disappointed in your one Muslim sister. However, what can you do? There are many Muslims out there who are Muslim in name only. It’s why we have to investigate and judge with what Allah has given us to judge with – the Quran. When we realize a person who claims to be Muslim doesn’t have the dialogue that suits a Muslim and actions to go along with it, then we know to keep it cordial and not invest a lot of time in the person, unless we are like the person

    I know or have known of Muslims whom one would never know he or she was a Muslim, if they hadn’t said so. I know of some Muslim who have on the clothing that definitely identify them as Muslim, but when they open their mouths for dialogue, I think they need to take those clothes off. During Ramadan, one sister I know (one who says she is Muslim, but nothing else indicates it) said, during Ramadan, she doesn’t fast because SHE’S GOTTA EAT! lol It was funny. My one sister (deceased sister) was working with a Muslim sister who was eating during the month of Ramadan. She asked her, “aren’t you supposed to be fasting?” She replied to my sister the exact same thing – she’s got to eat.

  • anabellah

    April 5, 2015

    @Fatima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    There you are :-) I knew you were way busy with all your stores, making that money. Alhumdulliah!!! It’s soooo good to hear from you. All is copacetic with me and mine. No new developments. I don’t especially expect any, but who knows what Allah has in store for us.

    I’m so happy to hear all is good with you and your family. The girls are probably looking forward to school being out for the summer. I suppose it’s “spring break” time for most high school kids right about now or sooner or later.

    Wow, your brother-in-law loves living in the States. His wife probably won’t know what to do with him once he returns home LOL

    Yes, we have some wonderful new blog family members here with us. Our dear Gail is still with us. She has had some wonderful new developments in her life, which have kept her very busy. She and her family just moved to a neighboring State. They sold their trailer, and are renting a house until they decide where to make their intention to buy. They are adjusting well to city life. In fact, I think she said they love it. She’s been biking (not motorcycles LOL), and has lost a good amount of weight. She still has the ice cream truck business. Her older son came to live with them. Her husband and son were taking courses to be licensed in, if I’m not mistaken, HVAC Systems. She stops in whenever she gets a chance. It’s always good to hear from her. She was with us for many years now.

    Allah knows best whether you’ll catch up reading here. You may want to begin where ever it is easy for you. If you have any questions, Insha Allah, jump in and ask. Don’t be shy.

    Again, Fatima, it’s good having you back with us all…

  • Mari2

    April 5, 2015

    @Ana
    I don’t perceive M’s other wife to be the bad guy. Like you I also see her as a victim to some extent, and his dishonesty to her does irk me. I get the situation she’s in and I understand the difficulties she faces.

    I’m actually glad that she has shown a bit of backbone and is not as naive as M assumed her to be. Nor is she as compliant as he assumed her to be either. That is good too. She didn’t want to become pregnant immediately and give up her education. She was relieved and said so. Kudos to her. She felt rushed into a marriage and said so. She has every right to feel that way.

    I understand how difficult it must be to marry, only have 2 weeks with her husband then he’s gone. A month was hard enough for me and she’s looking at a year at least until he returns. It sucks. I get it. She’s now living away from her family and friends. If she wants to use a cell phone she has to ask permission from MIL. No satellite TV at M’s home. Not much to do. Fortunately, her parents are a 20 minute drive down the road so she’s not that far from them.

    As far as the suicide thing, M said it’s a typical drama among couples there and one that is bolstered by many of the TV movies girls watch. I just find it silly. No relationship is worth killing oneself over.

  • Ruqayyah

    April 5, 2015

    @Rabiabint, i got the impression you dont want her to see your face as you think she will be jealous of your looks? If you are wanting the close relationship you want i suggest you stop thinking that way. Take off your niqab and let her see who she is sharing her husband with. Dont think you’re better than her because you have been blessed with good looks, Allah has given us youth and beauty he can take it away in a second if He wills. If your beauty is the cause of her being jealous it is still no reason for u to hide your face, for me a co hiding her face would make me uncomfortable. All my friends who wear niqab take it off when things are private; they have nothing to hide from me and vice versa

  • rabiabint

    April 5, 2015

    Cont: I almost forgot to share- He’s planning on visiting me this summer… and has to purchase the tickets like Now.. So that’s another reason I feel he need to tell her…

  • ~Fatima~

    April 5, 2015

    SalamAlaikum Ana..
    How are you and everyone? Im sorry I have been busy these past few months.
    Im trying to catch up on here and I see new names…
    Ive been working 6 and a half days a week. Not much time to myself tbese days..
    Brother in law STILL here but not in my house.. Its been almost a year.. He got another 6 month extension stay but that ends this month.. dont see him leaving anytime soon.. So not sure whats up with that… My daughters are fine.. doing great in school…
    So how have you been? Anything new?.Is Gail still here ? I just wanted to say hi. Im still alive.. haha
    Let me catch up reading here…

  • rabiabint

    April 5, 2015

    Was

    I wanted her to know because she has a right to know. I don’t think it’s fair at all. I know of her but she doesn’t know of me…

    Maybe I’m being nieve…but somewhere in the back of my head I’m thinking she and I will be good friends and the more he prolongs it the less chance of this happening..and I’m going to look as the bad guy….

    When in truth I’m not…I’m locked in just as she…. I asked to leave n he said No.
    Been there and done that with iman n shaykhs…elders in the community…

    So I’m trying to make the best of it….and I will feel much better once he tell her… so we can move on as a family. I want us to interact with each other as sister. Again maybe I’m being silly.

    whose to say it will be a bad thing? Maube it will be a good turn out…where my husband would kick himself for not telling her sooner.

    he could be put in the dog house while we get to know each other. Lol

    And it was my husband and my agreement after the smoke cleared that first things first he tells her. He tells her and I’ll stop bickering and asking him Why he wants us to stay married.

    I think it’s more hurtful not knowing than knowing.

    like I mentioned before she has seen picture of me. He shown her pictures of me.

    lifting the niqab….
    Idk….like if we met it would he in a public setting… I highly doubt it would be in her home.

    @ana

    I have only one sister whose muslim and three others whose not. And my muslim sister n one of my other sisters don’t acknowledge my marriage or our reconciliation. But let it be negative they’ll jump on that.

    Both asked when he come is he bringing his wife?

    I said No.

    “Why not?” They said n that’s when I said let it go.

    Because I knew they were prying a little too much….and family butting in was the cause of our separation.

    I wanted to get wicked and say why do you care? Why would he? … why do you want to know? Is he coming to see you? No… Is he your husband? no…do you think we’re going to share a bed? shut up and stop judging..worry about the muslim man that used you for storage space… no man has come foward and asked for you hand in marriage but one and instead of following sunnah you want a boyfriend type of relationship and the approval of our non muslim siblings… now he’s married with a family and all you can do is stock him online
    or better yes dwell on how a so called Muslim man can come to your house…drunk leave beer bottles in your kitchen late at night. And after a kiss and you never heard from him again. AND you my kufuar sister concern yourself with you drunken husband in another country. You cant even stand being in the same country with him… so please stop trying to play God. Yes it’s a poly marriage… get over it. Or continue to gossip amongst yourself about it…whatever makes you happy.

    Like I swear it’s the shaytan in them that was trying to get at me.

    I didn’t want to stoop to their level of arrogance.

  • Bibi

    April 4, 2015

    Totally agree with you but in this situation the co will be affected more than anyone and she didn’t even ask for it. I know the pain she will feel. The early polygamy side effects I call it. Just hate to see anyone experiencing it. Hugs to her. The outcome is going to be real ugly

  • anabellah

    April 4, 2015

    Yes I did. I put them on blast. If I had it to do again, Insha Allah, I’d do it again in a heart beat put them on blast

  • anabellah

    April 4, 2015

    @Bibi, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    XOXOXO to you too. I’ve been getting a little more used to our lovely ladies and the gents dropping out of sight for a while. Although I don’t mention everyone by name and ask if they are still out there, I think of everyone when they are not here. I am very happy when you all come back, for sure. I understand everyone has a life outside the blog and are very busy with work, husbands and children or men with their wives.

    On the other topic, I know everyone is different. I will say, though, when I was mixed up in a situation in which a person wanted to keep a secret that was wrong – guess what – I went and blabbed it. I didn’t care about the consequences. Yes, I did – blab it. It would have been better for me to keep my mouth shut. I knew before I blabbed it that when the truth came to light what was revealed would reflect badly on me; although the secret had nothing to do with me. It had to do with two other people. I blabbed it anyhow, as I knew the secret was wrong. Not everyone is the same. I could do it, but I supposed some can’t. As you stated, the truth can only be revealed when Allah reveals it.

    I know without a doubt that it’s wrong for a wife not to know her husband has another wife. She’s living a lie and doesn’t know it.

    Such a situation is the same lifestyle that non-Muslims live with cheating husbands and mistresses. It’s so unIslamic and very sad, indeed.

  • Bibi

    April 4, 2015

    As salaamu alaikum All.

    @rabiabint your marriage was not a secret yes but it’s a secret from your husbands other wife because she never knew of your nikka or walima. I feel very very sad for her actually. The opportunity for her to go through the processing stage of entering into polygamy has been stolen from her. She’s been thrust into the mix of dishonesty without any knowledge. Now she’ll have to process all the craziness while being married and that process will leave an ugly scar on her marriage. I don’t understand why you want her to know of you so bad. Do you want her to be hurt? Do you want them to encounter problems. Let her enjoy her life until ALLAH decides for your husband to spill the beans.
    Also Im very curious as to why when the time comes or if it comes why wouldn’t you let your co see your face. I understood niqab was to protect yourself from the gaze of un related men. A form of modesty but women? This is a first

    I pray everyone is well. I know I’ve been MIA.
    Everyone feel comfortable in your skin young or senior. Both are beautiful. It’s our good deeds that brings true beauty

    Ana xoxoxo

  • anabellah

    April 4, 2015

    My entire family is non-Muslim. They never bother me about my religion and I never bother them about theirs. When I first became Muslim, and didn’t know any better, I tried to get them to understand my new religion – Islam. I wanted desperately for them to know about Islam and be as excited about it as I was. I didn’t know Allah determines who will be Muslim and who won’t. Man doesn’t do it. I received a lot of resistance and hostilities from them. I got what I was supposed to get. It hurt me terribly. After I learned and knew better, the relationship between them and I got better. We all mind our own business. I don’t spend much time with them other than on very, very special occasions that pop up or a vacations with sisters and mom, which took place a couple years ago. It didn’t go very well either; although we have some good memories. Nonetheless, I’m there for them in emergencies and they are always there for me.

  • anabellah

    April 4, 2015

    rabiabint, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,