Polygamy 411 April 2016 Discussions

Polygamy 411 April 2016 DiscussionsWelcome to our polygamy 411 April 2016 discussions. The polygamy 411 blog and support group is for all who have a positive interest in polygamy. We invite you all to join us here to talk about the topic. Feel free to discuss how it relate to your lives.

Our blog is not about how well anyone writes. It is not about punctuation, spelling, grammar, correct or incorrect English, or any of those things. Writing skills do not matter to us here. We urge all to express themselves in a way that is easy for them. We allow our writers to use symbols, as well.

When reading the polygamy 411 April 2016 discussions, please be mindful that we are global

When reading the polygamy 411 April 2016 discussions, please be mindful that people from all around the globe are with us here at polygamy 411. For many who are here, English is their second language. For the people for whom English is their second language and they write here, it is amazingly awesome. We only need to know how difficult it was, and is to learn our own language to know what it takes for people to learn a foreign one.

I’m fascinated by the readers and the writers here. I admire anyone who can speak or read a foreign language. I have hope that I will speak fluent Spanish one day before I leave the planet. Allah knows best if I will. There doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day to do all I’d like to do. I’m grateful for this blog. I thank Allah for it.

I am so delighted to have you all join our polygamy 411 April 2016 discussions

With a few exceptions, we welcome all on the planet to our home. We will not accept anyone who is against polygamy. We will not allow anyone to come here to ask people to hate polygamy. This is not a blog for those who reject polygamy as a way of life. For those whom we welcome, please share with us as much as you would like to share. Share what you are comfortable in sharing. We’d like to know your thoughts on what you read here, as well.

Most people feel uneasy when they write on a blog for the first time. I remember the first time I wrote on one. It felt strange. I felt as though people knew who I was. Today, many know who I am. It’s okay. In fact, there is a kind of freedom in being known. Let loose. Don’t worry so much about what others think of you. Be you. There is only one of you.

If you’ve missed reading any of the March 2016 discussions or would like to refresh your memory, the link to the thread is:

https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-March-2016-discussions/

polygamy 411 April 2016 discussions

polygamy 411 April 2016 discussions


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98 Comments

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2016

    This thread is now closed April 2016 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the April 2016 discussions and welcome in May 2016.

    Please join us at https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-May-2016-discussions/

    April 2016 discussions

  • Number4

    April 30, 2016

    Scorpio83….,

    Also is there childcare opportunities for you to send the children to? Headstart is everywhere,  and it’s free chi l dcare. You need time to be without the children too, atleast once a week. 

  • Number4

    April 30, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum 

    Scorpio83.., You could benefit from adult interactions.  Perhaps go to a few Masjidsm join their women groups, get involved with community out reach,  help them with helping the poor. Make yourself active in doing positive things and helping others,  

  • Number4

    April 30, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh 

    Jasmina why is it so easy for you to be the sacrificial lamb? Why are you focused so much on the other wife?  I agree with ana and Ummof4.

  • anabellah

    April 30, 2016

    Jasmina,

    You said it’s hard for someone like you. Jasmina, it’s hard for everyone who wants to serve Allah and get it right. It take struggle and time and it’s a steady progression. It’s our personal jihad.

    I can tell you want to do the right thing. It doesn’t happen overnight for anyone. I get so frustrated and aggravated at myself so much for not being where I want to be in my faith in Allah and my belief. You just don’t know. I get so angry at myself and I get so upset thinking I’ll never get there.

    It’s all good though. We have to keep trying. We can’t give up. We have to persevere and stay strong. We will never reach a place where we can say we have made it; we’ve gotten where we want to be. We’re there now until or unless Allah let’s us enter Jannah/Paradise. There always higher levels to aspire to while we’re on this planet.

    I think ummof4 is right; today you’re just feeling a little sad. You reached out, which is good. Only Allah is One. We all need one another. It’s all good. You’re going to be okay https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Jasmina

    April 30, 2016

    Ana you have given me lots to think about. It all makes sense and it’s very logical. I don’t want to be ungrateful to Allah above all else and I do want to be patient in the way you describe it, subhanAllah it sounds simple but it’s hard for someone like me.  

    I guess I will sleep on it and see how I feel and since I’m not devastated at this coming to an end I will focus on Allah as much as I can. 

    I really thought like he would be happier without me but you are right I don’t know and I’m no one t call it. It just makes it easier to come to terms with it all that way. But yeah who is to say they would be happy once I’m gone. 

    thank you for reminding me of Allah.

    ?

     

  • ummof4

    April 30, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Jasmina, you say that it would make your husband and his other wife happy if you left your marriage?  Who told you that?  Probably no one.  You sound as if you are feeling sad because you believe your husband favors his other wife over you.  How does he show his favoritism – in time, in money?  You have no business knowing about their love life and they have no business talking to you about it.  Does he buy her more gifts than you?  If so, how do you know?  If he is letting you know that he cares more about her than you, maybe the solution is not for you to leave.  The solution may be for him not to let you know his feelings and actions towards her.  If you are looking at the credit card bills or other purchases, he needs to keep them from you.  Get another credit card or have a bank account just for your family if he is keeping all the finances on one account.  I hope that she is not contacting you and telling you things to make you jealous or feel bad.  If you are getting the information from your child, remind your child not to tell you about what goes on in the other home.

    We often make ourselves feel bad, jealous, unworthy, etc, by knowing too much about our husband’s other marriage.  Once, years ago, I saw a letter that my husband’s other wife had written him(He was usually good at keeping things out of sight.  And yes, I did open a letter that was not addressed to me.)  What she said in her love letter was the same thing that I said to him in my love letters. At first, I felt jealous, but only for a couple of hours.  Then I realized, if she was writing the same thing that I felt, then it meant that my husband was as good to her as he as to me, and she loved him just as I did.  I never read another letter not addressed to me again, even junk mail. 

    Jasmina, think long and hard about leaving your marriage for the second time.  Is it them or is it you?

    Everyone, please remember to only praise and only rely completely upon our Lord, Allah.

     

  • anabellah

    April 30, 2016

    So, anyway, you’re thinking your husband and his other will be happy if you’re out of the picture. It’s something that you think. You can’t be sure. You don’t know what is going on with the two of them each internally and what their relationship is with Allah, and why exactly they are unhappy. You could leave and both of them still may not be happy, and you would have left for the wrong reason.

    Happiness is relative. People are generally happy when things are going their way. They are happy when someone gives them something that they like and the gift was a surprised or, as I said, things are simply going their way.

    You asked if you should be patient. Well, Allah throughout the Quran tells us to be patient. He said be patient with “beautiful contentment.” It doesn’t mean being patient while complaining and having attitude or while being upset. He says exercise patience in all that betides us. It means be patient regardless of what is going on with us. Allah tell us when to act and not to act. If it’s not a situation that a person must act on, then be patient. Patient just doesn’t mean waiting. It means not complaining, not being upset, not being displeased about what is happening. Allah says be patient. Why? Because Allah has a plan. His plan supersedes our plan. He is the Best of Planners. He knows and we do not know.

    As I said, you don’t know if your husband or his other will be happier with you gone or not and it’s not for you to try to call it. It’s not for you to try to figure out happiness for them. You don’t have the power to make them happy.

    When I wake up in the morning or if during the day I’m feeling down in the dumps and unhappy, the feeling doesn’t last long because within a minute, or sometimes maybe a bit longer It comes to me that I’m unhappy because I’m displeased with Allah’s decree. I don’t like what Allah has decided for me. I’m unhappy because of me and my thoughts. I’m unhappy because I’m all about “me” at the moment.

    Allah says His servants are ungrateful. We’ve got so much to thank Allah for. He gave us our faculties. He provides the air that we breath. He gives us all the food and drink that we consume daily. He has given us every thing and then a wife has the audacity to be ungrateful because her husband isn’t showing her love; he isn’t showing her enough love.

    I watched a video yesterday that upset me. It made me think how ungrateful I am anytime that I’m displeased with my condition, whatever my condition is, even if it’s not for just a minute. I’ve put the link below to the video:

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-36162474

  • anabellah

    April 30, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I don’t think it’s wrong to accept what you’ve concluded about you, your husband, his other and your lives. If you think your husband is unhappy with you and would be happier with ust his other and you not in his life, then maybe it would be good for you to leave the marriage (if Allah wills it) so that they can be happy. Especially if you are now feeling a good kind of peace about it in your heart.

    Althouh, you need to determine whether you’re just having a pity party with yourself right now and need your husband to console you. It sounds to me what it may be. You’re tell him all that you’ve told us and that you’re leaving. He starts pouring out his heart to you about how he doesn’t want you to leave and he needs you in his life, then you stay. Isn’t it how it usually works?

    You need to look at life not from a perspective of what you want and how you’d like things to be, but look at it from an Islamic perspective. Do you think all of the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives didn’t know that Aisha was his favorite wife when he was polygamous? How did they handle it. I have a feeling that they accepted that it was Allah’s decision that it was the way it was and dealt with it the best that they could. They didn’t all demand a divorce and tell him he was wrong and they didn’t like how things were. They did express disapproval at one point about how things were, but it had nothing to do with him having a favorite wife.

    You say no one is happy in the marriage. Why aren’t they? It’s because they aren’t getting their personal desires fulfilled. Your husband probably is trying to please his other who can’t be pleased as long as you’re in the picture, which is why the two of them aren’t happy. You’re not happy cuz he’s chasing his other down trying to make her happy. Only Allah can make us happy.

    I’ll be back. I have to run now.

  • Jasmina

    April 30, 2016

    Is it wrong to accept that your husband finds it too hard to love you and that perhaps his heart is elsewhere. To accept it and to let go base on this?  This is the way I am feeling at the moment. It’s just too hard to feel like a burden to my husband, in every possible way.  I’ve reached a point where I feel at peace letting go. I told him I’m leaving and my reasons behind it and I feel at peace about it.  In order to be in a marriage you need something to keep you there.  Constantly feeling like he loves the other and not me is too much for me to handle, it’s okay if it was just a feeling but to see his actions and to see him favouring her everyday.  the way I see it is how can I take him away from someone he loves so dearly, it’s such a hardship for him to do the most basic of things for me and our household. If it’s sooo hard and such a drag them really why why why do this to himself and to me. Like no one is happy, not the other, not me and not my husband. I do love him very much. I hate to see him suffering and all because of me. Is it wrong of me to feel and think this way? Am I being a complete idiot?  Should I perhaps exercise more patience with this situation? I don’t know but I’m feeling so different now to every other time I said I wanted out.  This time it just feels like the right thing to do, but hard and painful. 

  • anabellah

    April 28, 2016

    Scorpio83, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Please don’t feel embarrassed about anything. No one knows who you are, so you could talk about how you’re feeling and thinking here. Insha Allah, just don’t reveal any info. that would lead someone to be nosy and try to play detective, and go try to find out who you really are for malicious reasons. I’ll try my best to keep everyone’s identity concealed as best that I can.

    I’ll give you my thoughts about what you asked. I can’t remember off the top of my head how long you said your husband has been married to someone else. It sounds to me that you may be a newbie to polygamy and you are probably depressed, which is why you feel the emptiness, and all alone.

    If you aren’t depressed you would probably be busy at night when he’s not there doing something that you enjoy doing, for instance, reading books, magazines, novels, watching TV/movies on DVD or Netflix  or Amazon. You’d be on the computer learning or reading about something that interests you. Some people can sew and like it; it’s what they do. You’d be doing a workout (Yoga, Pilates, aerobics, ballet). You’d do whatever exercise that you prefer. You could learn a foreign language on line. Do some research online about whatever you’re interested in. Take an online course. There is Islamic studies that you could do. Insha Allah, you could read the Quran. There is a lot to do. I’m busy all the time till the point I barely have time to sit here at the computer and write on the blog. I do a lot of approving comments from my phone.

    I would suggest that you try to limit your dialogue with your family till they learn to keep the discussion off the topic of your marriage or until you feel strong enough to stir the conversation in another direction.

    If you find yourself just going to bed, being sad and thinking about your husband and his other and you can’t bring yourself to do anything else because you have neither the drive, motivation or energy. You are probably deeply depressed. I’m sure at least 95% of women become depressed in the beginning stages of polygamy, maybe some continue to be depressed for the duration of the marriage if they don’t work on themselves but wallow in it to the point it becomes their life. Being depressed in the beginning stages of polygamy seems to be the norm and part of the process one goes through on the journey in a polygamous marriage.

    You need to ask yourself whether you have absolutely nothing that interests you that you’d like to do or you just have no enthusiasm and can’t bring yourself to do much more than lay there and be lonely and unfulfilled. If you find that it is the later and you are depressed, you’ll going to have to be patient with Allah.

    You should be turning to Him already, pleading to Him and asking Him for His help and guidance. He hears us as soon as we call on Him. We have to ask Him to give us patience and perseverance and allow us to pray. Allah says seek His help with patience, perseverance and prayer. He says it is indeed difficult except for those who bring a lowly spirit (humble oneself to Him). Don’t humble yourself to your husband. Humble yourself to Allah.

    If we rely on anything other than Allah for help then we’re not humbling ourselves to Him. We have to get down on that prayer rug and poor our hearts out to our Lord and praise Him and plead to Him. Take your tissues to the prayer rug with you and be prepared to weep and sob.

    In His time, He relieves our pain and suffering. Do we think that we will enter Paradise without being tested? We won’t. This could be a test for you.

    We only get depressed and have anxiety when we have a misconception or the wrong belief in Allah. We have to truly believe that Allah is there for us and will come through for us. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

    There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re feeling no different than anyone else who found herself in a polygamous marriage that she didn’t bargain for. How you’re feeling now seems like it’ll be forever, but it doesn’t have to be. You’re going to be okay. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Scorpio83

    April 28, 2016

    asalamu alaikum,

    How do you overcome loneliness?

    i don’t mean that on an everyday basis… Alhamdullilah I have 2 lovely children… They keep me busy…. As much as I enjoy having my own space on days my husband is not with me … There are (nights) where I just feel empty and lonely….. Just the empty quietness to keep me company … 

    I do hope I’m not the only one that feels like this… (That would be embarrassing)…. 

    I don’t have many friends, so from a social point of view my life can get very lonely & dull very quickly…. 

    I don’t have family support… Which means my children are with me 247…. So don’t get the chance to go out on my own….. 

    Any thoughts ???!!!

     

  • Moipone

    April 28, 2016

    Hi Number 4 

    I like what you said not to make him the focus of my well being. I will do that. 

    Thank you 

  • Number4

    April 27, 2016

    As salaam Alaikum

    Yes ana…..I agree…it would be greta though if a husband was considerate and truly valued a wife’s views on polygamy. 

  • Number4

    April 27, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum

     

    Moipone, good that you will learn. Arming yourself with knowledge is best. I have to cherish myself and my own happiness, I cannot rely on any man. I work, I have my own money/ a career   and never want to be in an situation where I am stuck. I understand how a lie can break you and hurt you because you invested in your husband. Don’t make him the focus of your well being….I value my time alone, when my husband isn’t home,  at least know that he’s with another wife…I don’t worry. He puts Allah first….I learned after some hurt feelings that I had and seeing that my husband plans his life as what he sees best–I had to do the same… go out with friends to positive events, don’t make your entire world about him.

  • Moipone

    April 27, 2016

    Number 4 

    I will try to learn as much as I can about the Islam way. Wow you last of three you must have strength and control over your emotions I admire that. I am trying to get peace because when I found out I got so sick I nearly died and for what for his lies. I am on journey to get my inner peace and strength and live for my children and further my career.

    The blog has been helpful indeed. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    April 27, 2016

    Number4,

    I agree with you that it’s “extremely rare” that a man will come home, sit down and talk with his wife about his intention to marry another woman. I know a case personally in which it did actually happen that way. There have been others on the blog who said their husbands were talking with them about getting another wife. “Co-Wives Club” is one. The person whom I know up close and personal whose husband came to her about it didn’t like what he was telling her, but he told her; she voice her views and he went and did it.

    I think it’s “extremely rare” that men discuss it with their wives before doing it because most men are about self and satisfying their desires. When Allah tells us to conduct all of our affairs with “mutual consultation”, he was talking in the ayah specifically about “believers.” He says “believers”. We know there is a difference between someone who is a mere Muslim and one that is a believer. All one has to do to be called a Muslim is take the Shahadah. A believer believes everything in the Quran and tries to live it as best he or she can. I could see a believer sitting down with his wife and talking with her about taking another wife because he would be a kind, compassionate and sympathetic man with good qualities who considers other.

    I don’t want anyone to confuse “mutual consultation” (talking, discussing and getting input) with “permission.” They are two completely different things. I totally agree 100 percent that a man does not have to get his wives’ permission before marrying another woman. He doesn’t have to have her say “yes” or “no”.

  • Tasliyman

    April 26, 2016

    Aslm ladies

    @Scorpi83

    I just came across the saying: minds are changed through observation and not arguments.  This made me think of you. 

    Most of my family were against my marriage in the beginning with only a few of them supporting me.  Alhamdulillah, all my relationships has been restored over time and everyone now accepts and supports me.  The change took time but it came about by my family seeing that I was happy in my marriage and that everyone involved turned out just fine. 

    I think you should stop trying to convince them of anything.  Just focus on the fact that Allah has made it permissible for a man to have more than one wife and Allah has now decreed that your husband have two.  

    You cannot be responsible for other people’s lack of faith if they cannot accept Allah’s decision. That is entirely between them and their Creator. 

    If they see you carrying on with your life and being happy again they will in all probability change their behaviour towards you. It’s so easy to say “I will never allow it” but it’s not so easy when you are really in the situation. 

    In-sha Allah, make Allah make it easy for you. Remember to make your life about Allah and you will be just fine https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Number4

    April 26, 2016

    Yes Moipone I understand better now. He’s just you deeply and you can’t trust him.  Like ana counselors, trust in Allah.  Lying is not good. 

    But also Islam is not easy,  there are many challenges for us to be on the right path. Know that while we may desire husbands who come home and discuss taking on other wives,  that is extremely rare and I’ve not come across anything in the Quran or Hadiths that say men need permission from other wives…lol that would certainly end multiple marriages. 

    Be true to yourself,  put Allah first,  study, study, study….while you may not be Muslim , you should still understand the religion and learn as much as you are willing to learn. 

    I am Muslim, I’m the last wife of 3 others….I’m more knowledgeable now as a result of studying and the blog. I don’t put my husband first…and I enjoy my space on the days he’s not with me.

  • anabellah

    April 26, 2016

    Moipone,

    We’re all here trying to help others as well as ourselves. Feel free to stay with us and be a part of our blog family here. We know what you’re going through is painful and not easy, but you can get through it and it can become an easy lifestyle to live. You just have to make it up and over the hump. It won’t happen over night, but it can happen.

    Sharing a husband is rough. No woman likes the idea of her husband being with another woman intimately and affectionately, but in time, with the right belief and attitude, it won’t matter to you any more. It will become quite natural. You could begin to like the lifestyle very much. It’s doable.

  • Moipone

    April 26, 2016

    Anabellah 

    Thank you so much for the advise and you too amazing ladies I am so glad I found a safe haven to talk about this. 

    In time I hope to forgive my husband but I will never ever trust him again now I have to find a way to move past time,  Even when the thought of sharing my husband makes me sick to my stomach. 

    You wonderful ladies have been helpful I really appreciate it https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    April 26, 2016

    Moipone,

    About the other wife and his parents and whether they know about you and your husband’s reconciliation – who knows https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    You know you can’t trust what your husband says. I’m speaking to you from an Islamic perspective although you married into Islam – Allah says those who trust, put their trust in Him. The only One who you can definitely, unequivocally trust is Allah. Don’t worry about trusting your husband – don’t trust him. It’ll make things easier for you and you won’t get hurt by trusting him again.

    The only way for you to know if his parents and his other wife knows about you is to ask them. If you know her phone number or email or whatever, contact her and tell her. That way you’d know.

    Do you communicate with his parents. If so, call them and tell them. Then you could rest assure that they know and all is out in the open.

    If he tells you they know, it’s useless as you know he’s inclined to lie about it.

  • anabellah

    April 26, 2016

    Moipone,

    I’ve heard many times on this blog about men who kept from the wives whom they married first the fact that they married more women. The husbands feared that the first wives would divorce them. Is it right to hide the marriage because of fear? I don’t think so. Allah says fear no one but Him. Your husband feared you. He lied about it to you because he feared that you’d divorce him. Furthermore, lying isn’t good. Your husband has done some wrong. Can you forgive him for it? We all do wrong. The only way to stay married and it be successful is if you forgive him.

    About his parents forcing him to marry a woman from his country, I suggest you don’t believe that. I can’t see how anyone could be forced to marry another person. Did they hold a gun to his head? Many men use the excuse that they were forced into a marriage. I wouldn’t give much credence in what he says about it. It really doesn’t matter much. He is married to her now, which you need to deal with.

    Your situation is a bit different in that you and he were separated when he married the other. You wanted the separation. He married someone else in the meantime. He didn’t know if you and he would get back together or not. It sounds that he still loves you and want your marriage to work. He didn’t say, for instance, look I’ve married another woman now and I love her and want a divorce from you. Now that would speak volume and there would be just about no hope for you and him.

    You need to ask yourself if you want to go out there in the world in search of another husband or possibly live without a husband for the rest of your life – or are you willing to share. The other woman has a husband now – yours. Do you give him to her completely or hold onto him? Some people rather have nothing rather than share and they end up with nothing. Do you want to go on the hunt, which may prove fruitful or not, or do you want to share?

  • anabellah

    April 26, 2016

    Moipone, Hello and welcome,

    I’m glad you met some of the lovely ladies here, already. They have given you some very good advice.

    I just want to mention that although a man doesn’t have to get his wife’s permission to engage in polygamy, he should consult with her about it before he does it. Allah, in the Holy Quran, tells us to conduct all of our affairs with mutual consultation. It’s what a “believer” does. A man needs to consult with his wife before he takes another one because by him taking another wife it will affect the first or other wives. For instance, it will probably take time spent with her husband away from her. It may affect her financially in which she will get less money or won’t have the money that she expected to have for things that she thought she’d get in the future etc. The children will probably see their father less, possibly. There are a whole host of things to consider and the husband should discuss matters with his wife before he takes on another. It will certain affect her psychologically, emotionally and even physically. She should have input about what is going to affect her. She is not her husband’s slave. He shouldn’t be a tyrant and rule over her. He needs to let her know beforehand, so that she can try to prepare and make adjustments. Keeping it a secret opens the door to a lot of sins including suspicion and lying and deceit, gossip and more.

    The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) didn’t let his wives know before he took another wife, but things were different then. Polygamy was widely accepted in the days that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was on this earth. His wives knew there was a possibility that he would come home and bring another or more wives. Those men were on long journeys back then. If he was away for a month and met a woman that he wanted to wed, was he suppose to travel back home without her, talk to the wives about it, travel back and get her and travel back home with her? That makes no sense. The whole thing could possible take a year to happen that way. They didn’t have phones and computers back then. Now a day there is no reason for a man not to text, call, skype or email his wife that he is going to marry another.

    Even if he marries another wife without letting the other know first, he needs to tell the truth about it and not lie and hide it. Being deceptive, lying and hiding wives is all wrong. Nothing good comes from something that is bad.

    Mutual consultation is very important in Islam. It prevents tyranny and oppression. Oppression is worse than slaughter.

  • Moipone

    April 26, 2016

    Hi Number 4 

    I am not Muslim by birth but by marriage I figured out that we were so different and I felt like I had no voice in the marriage. So we fought a lot like a lot and he would lose his temper but the final straw was when he lost it in front of our daughter. I grew up in an abusive home and I promised myself to not raise my children in the same environment. He was very controlling  I felt like I was suffocating. 

    He asked me to try and work things out and I said OK because time had passed and thought we have grown up. The problem is he did not disclose that piece of information to me when we got back together. He kept it a secret and said if he had told me I would have never taken him back which is true. 

    I am angry at the lies, my trust for him is broken. I doubt everything he says. 

    Jasmina what do I do if she does not know? I feel like everything needs to be in the open no secrets. 

    He behavior has not changed since he married again he is a damn good father but a lying husband. 

  • anabellah

    April 26, 2016

    Scorpio23,

    It’s common for others to say that a woman shouldn’t have allowed her husband to take another wife. Some say it wouldn’t have happened to them; they wouldn’t have allowed it. Those people lack understanding of Islam. They don’t believe that Allah chooses our mates. They think they have control and Allah is just sitting up in heaven watching everything go on. They think Allah has no control and is powerless. They believe in themselves. They think they have control and the power. They don’t know their religion – Islam. Or maybe Islam isn’t their religion apparently.

    I know how difficult it is to be in conflict with “family.” You just have to learn to not listen to them. They will unintentionally or intentionally try to turn you from the path of Allah. You have to protect your soul. Turn to Allah for his help.

  • anabellah

    April 26, 2016

    Number4,

    That was beautiful – what you said to Scorpio83 was ALL TRUTH. You summed it up nicely. Either a person believes or doesn’t. There’s no in between, no believing a little bit of this and a little bit of that, or rejecting this part and rejecting that part. We have to believe in the entire Book (The Holy Quran). Some people take the words “Believe” and “Reject” lightly. If someone doesn’t accept something that is in the Quran, the person rejects faith and is a rejecter of faith. No one likes to be labeled an unbeliever or rejecter of faith, but if the shoe fits the person has to wear it.

  • Number4

    April 26, 2016

    Oops, Scorpio 23 I’m sorry for missing your name.

  • Number4

    April 26, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum 

    Scorpio83.

    There is no picking and choosingredients what part of the religion we accept. It’s all or nothing. You either believe or not. Your family should be prayed for, may Allah make your journey easier. Read  and arm yourself with Islam. Allah chose men to grant them with additional wives, and he knows best… tell your family less,  guard your marriage. Pray for them to gain understanding. 

  • Number4

    April 26, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum  

    Moipone I think that you are fearful of polygamy.  You seem to be very stressed over the other wide. Why are you worried? Do you think that he will leave you or mistreat you? It’s possible that his family could want this,  but still he isn’t forced to do it. There is no compulsion in Islam. 

    Insha Allah,  the other woman isn’t being used as a maid or worse for hisale family.

    Read the Quran, study the religion because this will bring you understanding and patience. 

    Out of curiosity, without overstepping if I may ask what separated you and your husband? And what we’re the things that returned you both together?

  • Jasmina

    April 26, 2016

    Moipone

    thats tough. Been there. Maybe just take a step back and look at the situation for what it is, it hasn’t bothered u living how you are living for so many years, so why should it now.

    no divorce isn’t allowed is he is a good husband, well it is but seriously it’s not reason enough, to break up your family because he has another wife. The lie around it, that is bad. But now you know, you wanted to know, so you need to deal with this fact. What difference will it make if she knows or not? One way is to encourage him to allow you to talk to her, if he blatantly refuses then she doesn’t know. But if he is willing then she may know.

  • Jasmina

    April 26, 2016

    Scorpio23

    i just tell people that my husband is polygamous, I’m married to just one man… It’s his dilemma not yours, just act cool, even tough inside you wish to have someone to confide in. Don’t worry they will accept it inshallah.

  • ummof4

    April 26, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Moipone, the truth is that a Muslim man does not need his wife’s permission to marry another wife and he does not have to tell her that he has married another wife.  That is the letter of Islam.  However, Islam has a letter and a spirit to it.  Marriage is an event to be made public, and your husband’s other marriage is probably public in Bangladesh, but not in South Africa.  The spirit of Islam and common sense also suggest that a husband should tell each of his wives about the other.  He may be very ill and his wife not know about it.  He may die and his wife not know about it.  When he dies if he has children from more than one wife, the wife he is with will not know about the others and not be able to give them their rightful inheritance.  The spirit of Islam and common sense also suggest that there is trust in a marriage.  Even though a husband does not commit a sin by marrying another wife, he will lose the trust of his first wife by keeping it a secret.

    I am glad that you found out sooner rather than later.  Whether you believe that you need to get a divorce is your decision alone to make.  Before you decide to do that, please evaluate your marriage and your relationship with your husband.  Are you happy, do you feel loved, is he providing for you and your daughter, has he treated you any differently since he married a second wife?  Even though you may feel betrayed, you have to decide if it is something that you can live with, especially since you have been living with it for 4 years without knowledge.

    Seek the advice of knowledgeable Muslims who love and fear Allah and will give you good advice.  Talk to your husband and let him know how you feel.  You have a history together and you have to decide if you want to continue to be husband and wife.

    And yes, his other wife should know about you for the reasons that I stated above.

    May Allah guide you and your husband to the best decision regarding your marriage.  It is a decision you should make together just as you decided to get married together.

    Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!  Allahu Akbar

    P.S.  We are here for you for advice or just a place to vent.

  • Moipone

    April 26, 2016

    Hello ladies 

    I am in a bit of a dilemma I am South African and married a Muslim from Bangladesh we have a daughter. I recently found out that 2012 he got married in his home country and he didn’t tell me.I have never been to his home. I saw a photo and I had to push the truth out of him. He told me that his parents forced him to marry that side. A part of me wants a divorce another I am worried about my daughter. I an torn and an emotional basket right now. 

    When he got married we were separated not divorced am I wrong to be angry. How do I trust him after this? Does the 2nd wife known about me and that we are back together. I have so many questions. 

    How do I get confirmation that his parents and the 2nd wife known that we are together now? 

     

    Help me ladies please 

  • Scorpio83

    April 26, 2016

     It definitely is a good feeling to be able to adjust and at least come to terms with the situation unfortunately what really lets me down and what gets me down is trying to block out my family who constantly like to remind me what a mistake I’ve made allowing my husband to have a second wife.

     My family are Muslim and unfortunately again it comes to the point of pick and choose what we want to except within Islam.

     I’ve tried to explain to them from Islamic point of view,  I have tried to keep away from them,  now I just pray that I love give me the strength to keep away from those that cannot support me,  because it is difficult when is your own family that want you to do wrong.

  • ummof4

    April 25, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Scorpio83, good to hear from you and that you are truly accepting your husband marrying a second wife.  When a wife truly accepts polygyny, it is as if a weight is lifted from her shoulders – a weight that she gave herself.

    As far as other people in your family or out of your family, as Ana said, ignore them as much as you can.  Your conversations do not have to be about polygyny – talk about the weather, the price of sugar, how the children are memorizing Qur’aan, the latest exercise craze, a good recipe for lasagna.  Don’t let every conversation be about your marriage – it’s your marriage, not theirs.  Be very careful who you take into your confidence about your marriage – never a polygyny hater.

    Everyone have a good day and worship Allah in the proper way that He has commanded us.

  • anabellah

    April 25, 2016

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Sis Scorpio83,

    I’m happy to hear that the blog has helped you in your transitioning period. It’s what we are here for.

    I’m sorry to here that your family has cast you out due to what your husband has done. One expects family and friends to be there for her or him when times are “bad” and one is having problems. It’s not always that way though, which you are seeing.
    I call on what Allah says, which is our friends and family are no more than the Messengers and the fellowship of the believers. The Messengers aren’t here on this earth now and one is hard press to find a believer now a days. We have to hold on to the rope of Allah because only He will never leave us. We have to turn to Him for help and to be there for us.

    You have to learn to do one of the most difficult thing and I’ve only begun to do it and I’m getting it down pack though – ignore ignorance. If you allow yourself to get upset about what everyone is saying about you and your husband and your life, you will always be upset because there will always be someone talking against you, trying to upset you or trying to hurt you. It’s what they do. It’s what they were created by Allah to do. They think they are right because Satan has made their wrong seem right to them. They think that they are really, truly right while they set out to upset and hurt others intentionally. Ignore it. Instead of being there for you to help uplift your spirits and help you because they love you and you are family or friends, they do the opposite. You expect too much from them. If you have a good heart, you expect that they do too. It’s not so.

    I’m sure every woman who is on this blog or reading who are or were in a polygamous marriage has encountered what you described. It’s to be expected. Many Muslims don’t accept polygamy. I don’t know if your family is Muslim or not, but either way, it’s not unusual that they aren’t accepting you being in a polygamous marriage. It’s not their way. It’s yours. If they agreed with your way, they’d be in a polygamous marriage or would be trying to help you to cope with it. Again, you’re expecting the impossible from them.

    It’s best not to talk with them about your marriage. Don’t tell them what is going on with you, your husband and his other, unless you want to hear someone badmouth it all. They have no real concern about your business other than to be nosy busy bodies. Allah says don’t take those outside your rank into your intimacy. When you talk to them about your marriage, they will talk to you negatively about it because they don’t like the way you’re living. Their input will affect you negatively. It will cause you to doubt your marriage and your life. Allah says when a person doubts, He place doubt on top of doubt and you go astray.

    Think about it. You are just now barely accepting your new lifestyle. You didn’t like it initially. So, how could you expect your family and friends to like it now or ever?

  • Scorpio83

    April 25, 2016

    asalamualikum sisters,

    it’s been awhile since I last wrote on this blog,

    my husband has now gone back to Pakistan to finalise his 2nd wedding,  but no one fortunately my own family want me to justify his actions restaurant is really I have nothing to say.

     I have been outcasted by my family because of what he has done.

     This blog has helped me through this whole transition and I can now say that I am learning to adjust and except his second marriage.

    what really gets me is why I have to go around justifying his actions because people can’t keep their comments to themselves.

    it just makes me mad…

    I don’t know if anybody else has encountered such a situation

     

     

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2016

    Number4,

    Yep, I learned a lot from all the wonderful people on this blog over the years. It’s why it easy to write about it. I’ve learned so much about life in general (especially about people) just from having this blog. I got a huge understanding of culture vs. Islam on here. I had the the two twisted in the earlier years. Gail and Jenny help me to differentiate between the two. My knowledge has expanded tremendously. I’m so grateful for this forum and all of us who are a part of it. It’s awesome. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • Number4

    April 14, 2016

    Well done ana, I read the link….you’ve nailed men who engage in polygamy unjustly.

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and hello to you all,

    I published a new posts that basically rehashes a lot of what we’ve gone over regularly. Insha Allah, some of the men out there in cyberspace will read it and give some thought to it, and it will help them do better https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

    https://www.polygamy411.com/men-unjustly-engage-in-polygamy/

  • Jasmina

    April 13, 2016

    Ummof4

    Thank you so much for sharing that. I love the journaling idea, I will use that. 

    Its so lovely when you write, always so pleasant and positive and real. 

  • Marah S

    April 12, 2016

    Siri, I think you really have your heart set on him, like some of the other ladies said, you should get a wali, because sometimes we are blinded by our emotions. I think if you ask any woman she would tell you it sounds like a bad idea. He says his wife is open to polygamy but she refuses to talk to you?? That doesn’t sound right to me. Ive been catching up on the blog and it seems like a common thing amongst women who marry as a second, third or fourth wife and fall into a bad marriage is that they convince themselves that they are doing such a good noble deed by accepting to marry into polygamy that even though a lot of things are off with the man they go through with it anyways, and then they end up regretting it because all the things that they were brushing off came back to bite them in the behind. Please be careful because once you’re married if things go wrong it’s going to be extremely hard to walk away and you may end up unhappy for a very long time. 

  • anabellah

    April 12, 2016

    How many more signs does a person need? She keeps getting her face slapped with them. I’m beginning to think the signs have slapped her silly. The guy himself probably is wondering why she’s still hanging around. I dunno. Now I’m confused. ..

  • Number4

    April 12, 2016

    AsalaamAlaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh. ..

     

    Siti, you say you want our in put but you are stuck. Stuck isn’t a good place to be. All the sisters have given you good advice and all are saying  run. For some reason you turn around and defend his dishonesty. Lying is never good . If you love yourself,  find a Wali who has your best interest at  heart.  There are “available men” who are in polygamy ( that sounded strange, lol ) but seek the right path.  

    Prayer alone isn’t all we can do. We can be PROACTIVE in our own lives and seek knowledge and information. 

    Be careful, sexual ly also, he should take tests for your safety and well being.  Keep Allah (swt) first,  yourself second…,everyone else after.

     

  • Jasmina

    April 12, 2016

    I just want to add that marriage is hard work and for a man to think he can marry two straight away is kidding himself. He needs to be established in his first marriage and make that work and learn before marrying again. He sounds young and hopeful. Men do not realise the responsibility of marriage let alone polygamy.

    the courting process is to investigate a person and run away at any sign of untrustworthyness.  I love would have taken  his marriage or even his passport problems as a sign of my istikhara and walked away.  If Allah wants good for you and you did istikhara nothing will go wrong, it will smoothly. But Allah has given you two so many obstacles, this marriage, his passport, etc… Why are you ignoring it. 

  • baseema

    April 12, 2016

    siti, he sounds very fishy! you can do better! his telling you “follow your heart and ask Allah for everything” sounds kind of manipulative. he knows you are looking for a kind man that will not push, so he is feeding you exactly what you want to hear. this story just doesn’t even make sense, to be honest. just my opinion, but be careful….

  • anabellah

    April 12, 2016

    Stiti,

    You need a Wali to look for a husband for you and investigate him. You can’t do it yourself and expect a good outcome. You could get emotionally involved to a piece of crap early on and it’s all over when you don’t have a wali. He can see the real person. The woman gets blinded by illusion and what she wants him to be. With a Wali it’s not personal like that.

  • anabellah

    April 12, 2016

    Stiti,

    I truly believe as Gail said, you are trying to make sense out of nonsense. Everyone on this blog who have imputed are on the same page about that man. You’re just settling for less and setting yourself up to be taken advantaged of and abused. You don’t think very highly of yourself. Why do you want him so badly? If he love or care about so much why did he marry someone else before you?

  • Siti

    April 12, 2016

    Thank you ladies for all the inputs. I take them all down inshaallah. 

    Anna and jasmina, he’s the same age with me. And he’s already in denmark since he was little. He got there with his family.

    I’m certain he’s not married before. I’ve been talked with his parents and sister. They’re all Bosnian and the issues about the passport he doesn’t get yet (that made him didn’t have any chance to get to see me) because he’s about to making the danish passport. Because he already fulfill all the criteria to get the Danish citizenship.

    Marah S, yeah, he’s not kind of man who made up lovey dovey story to just make me to stay. But for me, despite making this as negativity, I see this as the quality he has. Actually before he got married, he was kinda made up the whole world to be mine. But I didn’t found this behavior after he got married. He really set his words up and being “not that kinda man I want to marry” because he keep his sweets word and being more occupied.

    But I think you’re right, befire get married,  he walk around to get to see how many woman he can get, while talking with me. But he never hide anything abiut these girls, Mostly, I think. (Still there’s millions chance that he keep something from me. He talk to me openly about everything). And he didn’t hide his intention to do polygamy from the first time we met. 

    He said he had talked to this woman he married now about me. But she refuse to talk with me because it might be wierd for her. But he said that she’s open to polygamy as he asked her this thing too, for her. 

    But I’m wondering about Gail said, am I really making sense out of nonsense? Because my story sounds like “out of reach” and outrageous. 

    But.. you know one thing, guys. I really don’t have any place to go. As the obstacles come up, I was just turn to Allah and make duas that He’ll show me the way. And no matter where I go, it turns like, I think i should take this path. And it makes me peace inside.

    Im not desperate or what, really. I’m having few proposals while talking with him, and if I made istikhara, I just have feeling that I still have to be right here.

    But still I need to aksing you to make me sure that I’m not blind enough to not seeing big things in front of me. 

    I come to this blog to see what kinda obstacles will I faced after marriage. 

    And I make sure he’s a good man with knowledge, inshaallah. 

     

     

     

     

  • Marah S

    April 12, 2016

    Siti, I just want to chime in I’m not an expert on polygamy I’m here learning just like you, but I do want to say, even if he’s not lying, it sounds like he’s put you at the way bottom of his list and he has no problem giving you the run around. Maybe since you’ve given him the impression that you will marry him no matter what, he’s walking all over you and just stringing you along. Do you think you could be happy in a relationship where you come last all the time, keep in mind this is before you’re even married, once you’re married it will probably get worse especially with all the other issues and pressures that come from marriage. Do you know if the other women he wants to marry are open to polygamy, because if his wife doesn’t know or the other women are not open to it and don’t know what he’s up to, it could be a disaster. If that is the case then I can guess that you would be really walked all over because you’ve given the impression that you’re down for anything, if problems come up I don’t think he will be fair to you, you will always come last.

  • Marah S

    April 12, 2016

    Baseema & number 4,

    We were both virgins so both of us are inexperienced, And honestly I don’t really know what gets me going either. We did research and tried different things but, when he’s in the moment He loses patience. I never thought of using toys or anything I’m not sure if its allowed or not, maybe it depends on what type of toy. 

  • Jasmina

    April 12, 2016

    Siti

    one word:  run

    i married a man like this and TRUST me allahualem these issues are only the beginning. 

    Firstly you want a man that will cherish you and make you feel special and like the only one even if he has more wives.  He is a complete mess.  Huge red flags.  

    If you take marriage serious and your happiness and future serious then do not take that guy serious at all, he is a complete joke and treating you so bad already. 

    Why bother yourself with someone that has not bothered themselves with you. Seriously. I don’t want to sound mean but you sound desperate for marriage or maybe u fell in love with a man not yet allowed for you. 

    U are 25, you are in your prime years. I know is Asia 27 is about the deadline, well that’s all a load of cultural rubbish. I’m 30 and 25 is soo young, if you marry the wrong guy you will be old at 26 but marry the right guy even at 30 and you will feel young forever. 

  • anabellah

    April 12, 2016

    Gail,

    It does sound that he had a wife and children all along and instead of coming clean from the onset he made up stories the closers it came time to marry siti. I wonder what is the truth about his supposed passport. If he is so all over the place about these different women he wanting to marry and has now married someone before siti, it screams he’s intent on lying his way in and out of stuff.

  • Gail

    April 12, 2016

    Siti,

     Your young and u are trying to make sense out of nonsense.U need to read about Danish life and how asian women struggle there.He comes across as a liar in your post but somehow u are not seeing it because I am assuming your age.U think he is not lying to u yet he married some woman u knew nothing about that is not honesty that is lying.Sounds to me he made up some fake women with kids(close story to the women he actually is married to),

    What is the age of this man? Did he marry this women to get Danish citizenship? Why do u think he really wants to marry you when he now has a wife and kids? Are u certain his his wife’s kids are not really his kids and he has not been married this entire time?

  • anabellah

    April 12, 2016

    Siti,

    He still sounds like a liar to me. He omits information, changes the story, flip flops all over the place. He’s here and there and every where. How can you keep what he says straight? You probably feel okay with the craziness because most likely nothing will come of it. For your own sake, Insha Allah, nothing will come of it and you’ll move on. I still say he is a loser and you should forget about him and move on. Some people use Islam to get in your comfort zone, but they are hypocrites. Who knows how many women he’s playing around with on the internet. You could probably do much better with someone else than with him.

  • Siti

    April 12, 2016

    Anna, he’s Bosnian, but he lives in Denmark. 

    Actually, I can say he’s not lying to me. I mean, the first time we met he’s still single. I can say that’s accurate inshaallah.

    He’s just got married with this woman on February. The time before that, we’ve communicate easily. But I felt he’s a bit changed for few months (which this time I was wondering as well, why he didn’t call me or text me regularly as usual). After he told me about the woman, i was just realized “that’s why,”. He said he being more occupied because of having her already. And told me that he didn’t want to burden me by didn’t telling me this news earlier.

    Actually, before this, we’ve talk about another woman, who having 4 kids, and got beaten by her ex. I was really sorry for her and I told him to marry her before me. That’s why I didn’t get so surprised when he told me that he already got married. What made me little sad is, instead marry the woman we’ve talked, he marry another woman. Well, she’s still “a woman who need to get protected by” also, but still, she’s not the same woman we’ve talked. And he said he didn’t marry the woman with 4 kids was because she has many issues he afraid he can not carry.

    Its so complicated, lol. And I still have no idea how can everything happened to me and I’m really fine by those things.

  • anabellah

    April 11, 2016

    Siti, Wa Alaikum As Salaam. Welcome dear Sister!

    It’s nice to have you here. I’m sorry to hear of all the confusion in your life with your Danish friend. I assume he’s Danish from Denmark.

    Why, oh why is he being so difficult when there is no reason to be? It’s your question too, huh?

    Is it because he finds that lying is easy for him? I think the man is hell-bent on lying to get you to accept that he is already married, and you will still marry him. It seems to me that he is married already and didn’t know how to tell you without turning you off and causing you to flee from him.

    Any how that you look at it, I think it’s not a good way to start a marriage. You shouldn’t begin with someone who has a lying problem and you know of it right from the onset. It’s only going to get worse. There is no question about that!

    Furthermore, it doesn’t sound that he is convinced that it’s something he wants to do – marry you. He sounds to be somewhat confused, as you are too.

    I’d say be safe rather than sorry. There must be other men out there whom you could have a marriage built on the right foundation and you won’t have to question everything so much. There has to be another person who you will fit better with and not have the obstacles that exist with this man.

    You have to be very careful with whom you mix up with online. A person can be anything he or she wants to be. Not everyone is a honest and a good person.

    I’d say walk away from him and get a new beginning with someone else. Those are my thoughts on the matter. Maybe others will respond, as well. We’re here, if you want to talk some more.

  • Siti

    April 11, 2016

    Assalamualaikum anna and ladies.I’m glad to found this blog and I think here I can asking for some advise from you guys.

    I’m 25, and never married before. I’ve met a guy online and he’s from Denmark. (I’m in asia). We’ve been talking for 7 months. And I know he’s kind of pious man and strong characters inshaallah.

    Thing is, I’ve no idea about what is on his mind. Let me describe you more about this. 

    From the beginning we’ve talked about polygamy. It was very hard for me since for me it’s kinda taboo. Then I’ve learn about it and truly seeking for guidance from Allah. I make duas and such. And I become open my mind and I said “okay, I can accept and I’ll support it you do so”. And we continue our way as we want to get straight forward to marriage. It was the first obstacle. And we continue our way as we want to get straight forward to marriage.

    About a month after, he spoke about the time. “When is the time you can allow me to get marry another woman?” I was just like, I’ve no idea. Probably ten years, probably 5 years, probably one year, who knows. And He asked “how about a month?” I was just like “are you making fun of me or what?” He said he’s serious. And tell me about a girl, that he met before me. First time she left him, because she can’t accept polygamy. And after she left, she coming back to tell him she’s okay. That time I was very shocked and feeling so fed up. How can he do that. But I didn’t allow my anger and nafs lead me, I come back to make duas and istikhara. And It was gave me peace. And I think it will be fine. So we continue our way.

    We sat about the time he’ll get here. And there was another thing that he can’t get to to see me on January as he planned before, due to the passport thing. So we have to wait till the passport done, it will be on this april inshaallah. 

    But few weeks before, he told me that he has got married a widowed with three children. Subhanallah. I don’t know I have right to get fed up to him, but I was just feeling betrayed and so sad for that. But then, I come up into my sajdah and pray, make duas, and ask Allah how the way I can pass this. To be known, he’s never push me to stay and never saying sweet things to me that make me believe that I have to stay. He always said to me to follow my heart and ask Allah for everything. And this behavior is the thing that make me believe in him. And I ended up like, “okay.”

    Ladies, I don’t mean to you to judge him or something. But I need to know, based on my “short overview”, how’s the guy in your eyes?

    I need to make sure that “I’m not blind enough to see him that I still accept him after all the obstacles he made for me.” Is this guy trustworthy? How can he consecutively letting me trough those obstacles? Is this guy trustworthy? 

    As I don’t have another place to ask. I don’t even ask him why and how do you do this to me? I only ask Allah for his guidance, and here I am. I just put my trust in Allah, and it gives me the strength to trust him.

    Please, I really need your view for this.

     

  • Number4

    April 11, 2016

    I agree with Baseema. Marah S…men always think they know our bodies but they don’t. They mostly think of pleasing themselves in sex and not us. Some men have learned how to please us by listening to us. He has to be open to listening to your desires, but you have to know what you enjoy and he honest with yourself.  Sex is part of communication and I don’t believe that women need to suffer through sexual intimacy with their spouses. Sometimes our ideas of sex come from what others think,  our parents etc.  Sex is enjoyable and can be awesome.

  • baseema

    April 11, 2016

    marah s, your husband needs some education if he doesn’t know how to get you excited! alternatively, you could try reading some romance books, using some toys (is that allowed?) and spending a minimum of a half hour just touching each other with clothes on, before anything comes off! not to be crude, but is he a wham bam thank you mam type of guy? women need time to get aroused, try just being close for a few hours without any touching in those certain places…see how that works for you, good luck! :)

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2016

    Gail,

    It’s so cool that you got to experience the wives living together and have real life knowledge of it. You brought something very important to our attention, and it is that one wife always is in charge. One wife will usually rule over the other when they live in the same household. I agree with you that it would be the older wife or the more educated wife who would be the authoritative one.

    There is always one wife in charge in Mormon polygamous families, as well. The wife married the longest is in charge or the older wife. One wife always dominates. Maybe it’s the one with the stronger personality, as well. I wouldn’t do well in a set up like it. I can’t have another person in charge of me that way. I’d snap, crackle and pop.

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2016

    Marah S,

    There are so many envious, hateful and jealous people out there and it certainly doesn’t exclude family. So, when you mentioned about your aunts reacting to you as they did, it was no shockeroo to me. I have a younger sister and she’s one hateful, evil, envious person. She and I don’t speak to each other to this day. It seemed her mission in life was to hurt others. Some people are so devilish. The only time they have any joy is when they’re hurting others.

    The other information that you shared is not too much information. I’ve read a lot over the years about sex and men and female differences etc. It’s very common for couples to be opposite in their desire for sex. I know of some women who want sex more than their husbands and some men who want sex more than their wives. Maybe there is a balance for a reason. Everything happens for a reason.

    There could be so many reasons why you don’t have a strong sex drive and it probably could take a life time to figure it out. Maybe you just weren’t wired that way. There are hormonal reasons, psychological and physical reasons. Who knows what it ishttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    You are correct that there is more to marriage than sex. As long as your husband is feeling satisfied with you and you are happy being married to him, don’t sweat it. Continue to enjoy your marriage and don’t worry so much about the sexual aspect. Just do the do when you must and think of it as a good deed that you are doing to get the barakats (blessings) for it. Who knows one day Allah may have you enjoy it and you’ll be rocking and rolling in it LOL Don’t forget to ask Allah to allow you to have joy in its. Say a little prayer before hand.

    I thought it was very sweat, kind and considerate of your husband to be willing to divorce you so that you could marry someone else who perhaps could fulfill you better sexually. It’s a sure sign of love. When someone loves another deeply, sometimes they’re willing to let the other person go so the other person will be happy. It’s so touching. You’re one smart woman not to let your husband go. There is a lot of crap men out there and you don’t need to go out there mixing up with them, trying to sort through them – no indeed.

    You have let your husband know that if he has an interest in another wife, you wouldn’t stand in the way, nor leave him. You are a very sweat, kind and considerate person, as well. You too sound to make a nice couple.

    I’m so glad to hear that you didn’t get that female circumcision done. If you really wanted to have zero sex drive and pain with it, then go for female circumcision. I know you’re no fool. Thank Allah much that it was never done to you https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • Marah S

    April 10, 2016

    ummof4, LOL I can’t stop laughing :D!!!!. You’re right I need to increase my sex drive, unfortunately I just don’t enjoy it, when I was getting married I was excited to finally experience this amazing act that everyone seems to be so crazy about, unfortunately I didn’t find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. That’s on of the only problems my husband and I ever had, when he realized that I wasn’t enjoying sex like he does, it obviously hurt his ego, and he even asked me if I wanted to divorce so I could marry someone that fulfilled my needs, because he feared that In time I wouldn’t be able to stay modest, the answer was no of course. But he’s gotten over that he’s not able to satisfy me and I’ve gotten over it too. In the beginning I thought there was something wrong with me, and I even consodered for a second that it was because I didn’t get circumsized, but now I know I was being ridiculous. I hoped that it would get better over time, But months went by, and it never got any better, I used to get sad after sex because I never enjoyed it, but I’ve learned to accept it, and along with that my sex drive went away, I don’t even think about it anymore, I only do it now because he enjoys it, it’s become just another duty I have as a wife, almost like housework. I’ve just accepted that there is more to marriage then sex, and My husband has so many qualities that outweigh this one issue. this is what Allah has decreed for me, and I just have to deal with it. I hope this isn’t too much information for you ladies.

     

  • baseema

    April 10, 2016

    Jasmina,  I was wondering that, but didn’t want to mention it. LOL

  • ummof4

    April 10, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum ans hello to all,

    Jasmina, in answer to your question, no I don’t believe my husband ever did me wrong.  Throughout our marriage we put Allah first, then our individual selves, then each other. We are both very level-headed people who are passionate about what we do, but we don’t have emotional highs and lows.  Neither of us argue, we discuss.  Part of my being that way probably has something to do with me being a math person – we tend to think in a logical, deductive-reasoning sort of way about everything, including marriage.  However, at times when I did feel sad or lonely when my husband was with his other wife, I would write letters to him to tell him how I was feeling.  These letters were never read by him, it just made me feel better to get my thoughts out.  I didn’t have the blessing of many other sisters in polygyny at the time, so I had to self-soothe.

    MarahS, be adventurous and increase that sex drive, and stop worrying about your hair getting wet in a ghusl!LOL!

    Everyone be safe, and enjoy the day that Allah has given us.

     

     

  • Gail

    April 10, 2016

    Ana,

     I agree with u about it being difficult for wives to live in the same home.It’s not easy and for sure the older wife will rule in the majority of the cases simply because she is older and would not take orders from the younger cowife.Then u can have other issues like one wife being educated the other not.So many host of issues come up that I will be the first to admit wives living in one home is seriously hard.Women in general have a hard time dealing with sharing a husband much less it being up in your face 24/7.

       I personally love everyone living under the same roof but after having done it off and on for 8 yrs we had alot of fights in those times and so many times either she would leave and go to the village leaving me with all the kids to care for or someone in the family would tell me to send her back to the village.It was always something.It’s not an easy life and few I think I have real success sadly to make it work.

  • Marah S

    April 10, 2016

    Number 4, I think there are some misunderstandings, I’m not trying to find my husband a wife lol, I don’t think that’s up to me, at this time I am content with how Allah has made my life and marriage, if Allah wills one day then Maybe my husband will marry again but that’s between him and Allah first, it’s not my choice. But I am open to polygamy is Allah ever decrees it as one of my tests.

    The way I think of it, polygamy may be a test, and it can be more difficult for some and easier for others. But Allah would not make halal something that we can’t handle, so if people are practicing it the right way, and worshipping Allah the right way, then eventually one day they should be able to find contentment again.

     

     

  • Marah S

    April 10, 2016

    anabellah, I know what you mean, my husband has a much higher sex drive than me, and sometimes when he starts initiating all I can think about is how I’m not looking forward to having to wash my hair haha! And there really are slim pickings, A lot of women are stuck with crappy husbands, and some women divorce a decent husband only to find themselves with a complete monster. There was so much drama when I was getting married because some of my aunts who basically raised me were so jealous of me since they themselves were not able to find husbands yet. Two of of my maternal aunts who I used to love very much cornered me and said some very nasty things. And the same ones refused to talk to my sister or interact with her baby who’m they never seen before just because they’re jealous we got married and had kids before them.

     

  • Number4

    April 9, 2016

    Oops meant open to polygamy. …and different for some,

  • Number4

    April 9, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum sisters, 

    Mara S,

    It’s good that you are ooen to polygamy,  but it’s different for done. For one I’d never live in the same home as my husband’s other 3 wives.  You said it would make house work easier, that caught my eye.  Also it’s interesting toi that you want to seek out a possible wife for your husband,  that’s pretty liberal of you. Polygamy isn’t always easy but it isn’t always hard either. 

  • anabellah

    April 9, 2016

    Asiyah 12, As Salaamu Alaikum and welcome!

    ummof4 gave you excellent advice. What you’re thinking and feeling is way normal. Don’t let Satan set up shop in your head. He’s the one who is whispering all those negative thoughts to you that are making you insecure and have you feeling down, depressed and sad. You’re watching movies in your head and it’s not real. Stay focused on what you know is real. Stay down to earth. Switch channels and remember Allah. Don’t let Satan become your new best friend. You’ll have to learn to mind your own business, meaning your marriage and stay out of their, as best you can. You won’t know what exactly is happening with him and his other. You shouldn’t want to know and don’t need to know. The less you know the better.

    You’ll be alright, if you keep your head on straight and try to get right in worshiping and serving Allah. Make Him your focus and priority, not your husband. Your husband isn’t your Lord. Allah is.

    You’re going to have to go to war with yourself and with Satan. It won’t be easy to win the fight at first. You’re going to have to take some hits. It’s your personal jihad (battle). We’re here, if you want to chat.

  • Jasmina

    April 9, 2016

    Ummof4

    You seem so positive and down to earth and sensible.  Have you always been so calm and collected through the times your husband became polygamous.  Did he ever do you wrong? 

  • Jasmina

    April 9, 2016

    I think my husband has a 3rd wheel

  • ummof4

    April 9, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Asiyah 12, the feelings that you are having are quite normal.  Is your husband already married to the second wife or is he planning to do it?  A present wife often feels that her husband will love his new wife more than he loves her.  She often feels like if she was enough woman and making him happy, he would not need another wife.  We have to remember that Allah decides what our life will be, and we have very limited control. 

    When my husband was polygynous for the first time over 30 years ago, I had the same feelings you had for several years.  I imagined my husband and his other wife having endless fun and endless sex since they had no small children to take care of.  When I decided that I would concentrate on Allah more and less on my husband and his other wife, my mind changed.  I realized that the only marriage that I had to be concerned with was my own.  I would be involved with and taking care of my children whether my husband had 1, 2, 3, or 4 wives. 

    So try to relax a bit about the polygyny, seek advice from us when you feel the need, come here and vent when you feel the need.  We’re here for you through thick and thin.  We are a sisterhood.

    Love you for the sake of Allah.

  • Asiyah12

    April 9, 2016

     I feel like basically I’ll be washed up and hell enjoy and be more happy with the cowife he’s intending to marry I have 3 kids to raise and a home to maintain and the intendi has no kids drives going to school ect. I feel like hell end up forgetting about me and be more with her and I’ll just be who he used to be once happy with

  • anabellah

    April 8, 2016

    Haqqiya, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s so nice to hear that you are fine and are preparing to marry. It must be exciting for you. Not being sure about the future is normal. No one can be sure about the future. So, it’s all good. Not having a husband with one full-time gives a wife room to get busy with her life, doing things on her own and that fulfills her. It’s along the lines of what the other ladies have mentioned here from time to time about it. There are perks to being in a polygamous marriage.

    It sound you have your head on straight. Continue to stay calm and not worry.

    About being a “good wife”, I don’t exactly know what that means. I know there are definitions out there of what a “good wife” is. I stay clear of reading material like it. From what I can recall, Allah does NOT command us to be good wives. He commands us to be good servants to Him – to worship, serve and obey Him. We should obey a husband who OBEYS ALLAH. Because a husband who obeys Allah is going to encourage his wife to OBEY ALLAH and not make it about him. Allah also tells us not to obey those who neglect the remembrance of Him. It includes a husband. One needs to know their Islam to be able to differentiate.

    If you want to have problems in your marriage and in your life in general, set out to be a “good wife” to your husband. It will only lead you astray. Set out instead to be the best servant of Allah and then you’ll be the best that you should be to everyone whom you come in contact with based on the will of Allah. Many women get it twisted when it comes to marriage and a husband. I think men have used Islamic material to try to control women and keep women enslaved and subservient to them. It’s all for benefit of the men. It harms women and could lead women to the Fire.

    I’m happy you stopped back in and pray the best for you. Love to you, my sister-in-faith.

  • Haqqiya

    April 8, 2016

    Assalamualaikum Anna, happy to get back here.

    First of all, I wanted to thank to you for your kind words on previous discussion. It means a lot alhamdulillah. Now I’m totally fine and I think I’m ready to get to being number 3. Lol.

    I’m still not sure about the future will be, but for now I’m just focusing myself to fulfill my mind the whole things about marriage. Which now I read some books and trying to be such a good wife as Allah command us.

    He’s now still busy with his two, because they have been married only for 3 months. There’s a lot things to do about them. 

    I don’t speak to him regularly, like before he tell me about “already having two” and I’m enjoying myself to do my own things alhamdulillah. For now it’s the time for me to waiting him to get to marry me inshaallah.

    And honestly, I’m pretty surprised with myself being so calm and no worries about everything I’ve passed. And I totally realize that the time when the nikah done is just the beginning. The real journey will might come up after. 

    Please remember me on your duas, Anna. And everyone here. That Allah will ease everything for us inshaallah.

    I’m so happy to having place to talk about this things, because I don’t speak about it aloud in my home, lol. 

    Barakallahu fiikum, I love you all. 

     

     

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2016

    Marah S, As Salaamu Alaikum

    It’s not Islamically correct for the husband to house all the wives together. Each wife should have her own dwelling that she can call her own and is her own. Of course there are men who have all their wives living together for whatever reason, be it financial or he’s a perve (as in pervert) wanting to exercise some type of sexual fantasy or actually live it etc. There are some women who want to live with their co-wives as well, namely control freaks (Gail, please don’t take offense). They want to know all that’s going on. The one wife can’t hug or goo goo eye her husband without the other wife eyeballing her. It’s crazy, if you ask me. How can a husband and wife be all intimate and involved with each other when there is a third wheel always lurking around?

    I kind of got you what you meant when you said having a co would lighten your load/burden. Even when my husband is away for work, I enjoy the time not having to look my best all the time. I don’t make the bed most of the time. I just climb in and out of it. There is less laundry to do while he’s gone. There is a whole host of good things. Don’t forget the sex part. Although one gets a break when on her menses, she gets an extra break when there is another or more wives sharing in the duty. I once said to a sister-in-faith before I got married that I can’t wait to get married so I could have sex all the time. She looked at me like I was crazy and said, “It’s not like that, sometimes you just don’t want to.”

    You made an interesting point when you said there aren’t many good brothers at the masjid. I don’t know about the masjid, but I think there aren’t very many good ones anywhere. There are a lot of them out there, but many wouldn’t be worth my time and trouble. When I was non-Muslim, I dated a guy whom I wasn’t very interested in as a husband. He proposed to me and I declined. I found his conversations to be intellectually stimulating and he was really cool as a friend. I asked him why he hadn’t found anyone else that he’d be interested in for marriage with all the women who are out there. He was dating a few others while dating me. He said, yes, there are a lot of women out there, but they aren’t the women for him. It made sense. He had said that he’d accept Islam so that he and I could marry. I don’t believe in that. I believe a person should only accept Islam because they believe in the religion itself. Women really need to think twice before they consider throwing their husbands away. There are some slim picking out there. There is no guarantee that Allah will give the woman another husband either, especially if she had a half way decent one to begin with. There are many people, women and men searching for love. I wouldn’t want to be one of them.

  • Marah S

    April 7, 2016

    hello ladies, 

    Thanks for all the advice. I think ive never been a very romantic person, and I don’t get very jealous either. But of course only Allah knows how polygamy would actually affect me, I could be miserable or I could be happy. I understand that imagining polygamy and living it, is two completely different stories. I’m not trying to find my husband a wife lol, I don’t think it’s my job. I only thought about mentioning to him about that one sister because, I know how much she’s struggling right now and there are no good young brothers in our masjid. Turns out she was not written for him anyways so I left it alone, I never got around to even mentioning it to him. Of course at the end of the day it’s up to him and what Allah decides. I certainly would not push my husband into polygamy, it has to be his own decision not mine. As of now I am only wanting to learn more about polygamy because it is a part of Islam that I unfortunately don’t know a lot about.

    Also about the housework lol. What I meant was he would be away half the week so I wouldn’t have to go all out scrubbing everything clean everyday like I do now lol!! 

    I don’t know if this is accurate but I always thought it wasn’t permissible to house more than one wife in the same house?

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2016

    I’m so happy with all the good advice that everyone is giving to one another here https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gifIt’s awesome. I love reading it. The words you all have been writing is like poetry in motion. I’m moved by it. You all are spitting knowledge. Alhumdulliah. I pray that Allah is pleased with us all.

  • ummof4

    April 7, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Marah S, Alhamdulillah that you are so open to polygyny.  But as others have advised you, only your husband can decide when or if the time is right for him.  I also have always been open to polygyny, even before I became Muslim.

    You made me smile when you said your housework would be easier.  From that I assume you believe that if your husband marries another wife you would all live together as one big happy family.  That rarely happens, but it is possible to be in a  polygynous marriage where all parties are worshipping Allah in the proper way.  It has happened in my marriage of 41 years several times.   

    May Allah bless us all to serve Him as He has commanded us.

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    The blog has some technical issues that we’re working on resolving. In the interim the comment box is at the bottom of the page temporarily. Insha Allah, it’ll be resolved soon. Thank your for your patience.

  • Number4

    April 6, 2016

    A salaam Alaikum

    Ladies romance in your marriages is up to you and your husbands. Polygamy is a challenge but what you as an individual share within your union can be fun, sexy and intimate.

    I  believe that the focus can’t be solely on the husband,  keep  Allah first. That was also my test, to stop focusing on my husband, not concern myself with the other wives, they are not me, they don’t define me nor I them.

    Our reality is that we get caught up in fantasy,  fairy-tale lives.  Snow  White, Cinderella nor any princess that we’ve read about have had to SHARE their intimate partner, nope. Their prince belonged to them alone.

    Polygamy….is not bigger than you…it’s a part of your relationship with your husband.  I am not in polygamy,  my husband is….he married mulitple times, I havd 1 husband.

    Make your marriage about you…not a fairytale…write your own ending.  And keep Allah (swt) in mind..happily ever after…..

    The End

  • Mari2

    April 6, 2016

    Jasmina,

    My husband in the past has been the lying liar that lies. And I have told him that to his face as I am not a liar, especially with regards to our marriage.  I also pointed out to him the point Number 4 made that frequent liars will be written as liars in the eyes of Allah.  M’s lies are not written in my book. I do not have to answer to them. He does. I do think he got it eventually.  He lies no more to me now.

     

    Marah,

    Polygamy can be good.  It’s good you’re open to it. But why rush the will of Allah and try to find your husband a second when it might not be his time? And as Ana said, polygamy is not easy. It’s an up and down test of faith, strength of marriage,  and ability to communicate.   There is nothing romantic about it.  Its really hard. One can enter polygamy with the best of intentions but still be blindsided by the emotional strain. And I don’t thinl any person can be fully prepared. 

  • Number4

    April 5, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum, 

    You’re most welcome Jasmina.

  • anabellah

    April 5, 2016

    Marah S, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thanks you for moving over here to the general discussion. I was thinking of suggesting that you do it. I started out joking around with my husband about taking another wife. I’d tell anyone and everyone not to do it. It’s no joking matter. The joke may be on her. I’m speaking from experience LOL I can laugh about it now, but I know it’s no laughing matter when it happens and you didn’t see it coming.

    Marah S, you may be amongst the group of women who wouldn’t really mind too much trying polygamy and is receptive to it, but the husbands have no interest in it. It’s strange how it works. Many of the women who wants no part of it and try to avoid it at all cost end up in it or the woman who thought it would never happen to her is the woman who it happens to.

    Marah S, polygamy may not be your test. It’s good that you want to learn more about it as it is part of our religion – way of life. You seem to be such a nice, kind, sweetheart of a person. It just comes across in your writings. It was very nice of you to approach another sister-in-faith with an eye on maybe having her marry your husband. I pray Allah is well pleased with you for your thoughtfulness and intent.

    It is very sad to hear of Muslim women who say they hate or dislike polygamy. It tells so much about the woman who says it or feel and think it. How could they hate something that our Beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) lived till the day that he left this earth. He is our example. He was given the revelation (the Holy Quran) that is a warning and a guide for mankind. Those people who hate polygamy reject faith. They don’t realize what they are saying and what it means. Some say it’s an option for men and they don’t have to do it. Well, let the man make his intent and deal with it. Allah gave the permission to the man. The woman who says it’s an option is one to the haters and rejecter, which is why she says it. She tries to control his so call “option.”

    I can tell you that imagining polygamy and actually living it are worlds a part. It’s the same as a woman who marries a man 2nd, 3rd or 4th. She may think that she can handle it and enters it with that perception, but once in it, she realizes that it is far from what she imagine. She doesn’t know what hit her. It’s a huge ordeal for her. It’s just as difficult as it is for the woman who married 1st and got hit with it unexpectedly and unwillingly.

    I wrote this quickly, so please forgive any errors. I’ve been making a lot of those lately LOL I’ll be back as soon as I can, Insha Allah.

  • Marah S

    April 5, 2016

     ASA, I wanted to move to the general discussion since this isn’t really related to the Pakistani marriage topic:

    Alhamdulillah my marriage is going great, I’m really happy with my husband. He says he’s content with being married to just me, so we don’t talk about it too much, when we do we’re usually just joking bout it. I Wanted to learn more about polygamy because sister I know from the masjid who I really admire, really needed a husband, but there are no good, responsible young men in our masjid. I always thought she was such a good Muslim and wanted to ask my husband to marry her, I brought the subject of polygamy up to her and she told me she hates polygamy, it didn’t make sense to me because if a Muslim hates polygamy that means they hate the words of Allah, and what the Quran has allowed. I listened to different lessons about it but, I wanted to learn from a woman’s point of view because I think men experience it way different. I think if a woman came to me saying she wants to marry my husband I would welcome her, because I remember how frustrating and hard it was when I wanted to get married but couldn’t find any good men, if Allah has chosen to open up a door for another women through my husband then I can’t be selfish and do everything to keep that door shut for her. Of course allah is the one who determines whether I’d be happy in polygamy or not, but I think it wouldn’t be too bad, it would make housework a lot easier lol!

  • Jasmina

    April 4, 2016

    Thanks you so much Number4 for the references and Ana for your kind words. Indeed he may be working on it. Since I met him he has lied but it was never anything that affected me directly so I ignored it. But yes it’s definitely a problem. I think his mother played a huge role as she once adviced me to lie to men because telling them the truth only gets women into trouble… Lol.  My mom always told me to tell my husband the truth even if it hurts. His mom always covered up his issues so he wouldn’t get in trouble by his father. I will talk to him and see how it goes. Inshallah

  • anabellah

    April 3, 2016

    @Everyone,

    I don’t think that some of the features available in the comment section work because the theme that the blog is on apparently overrides it.

    Number4,

    I hear you. I’m the same as you. I have a thirst for knowledge, especially about out way of life – Islam. I get so excited about it.

  • Number4

    April 3, 2016

     Salaams  ana, 

    Glad to support…,

    I’m reading a lot on Islamic Studies…,,I’m very excited. Learning more helps me focus on my growth and Deen. 

     

  • anabellah

    April 3, 2016

    Number4,

    Thank you much for sharing all of the references and material. It was very generous of you and helpful.

    Jasmina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    As you can gather from reading the material that Number4 shared, your husband’s lying has more to do with his character than anything else. It’s what some people do. It could be a vice of his that he wants to overcome and maybe he is trying to. Allah knows best. Who knows whether he’s struggling with it and is trying to stop or he just think it’s a normal thing that he does. Maybe he’s asking Allah to help him overcome it. It’s the only way that it will happen for him.

    It may help, if you haven’t done so already, to sit him down and ask him to please not lie to you. Tell him it’s better that he tells you the truth and it hurts you oppose to you finding out later that he’s lied about it. I doubt that just talking to him about it will change him, but it’s a start. Share with him what Number4 shared with you. Tell him to turn to Allah to help him overcome the bad habit. Insha Allah, he’ll turn to Allah, repent, ask Allah to forgive him and in time, he’ll stop lying.

    We’ve all got some faults and flaws that we should be turning to Allah for help in ridding ourselves us. It’s all part of purification of the soul. Your husband has to recognized that he lies and it’s a problem and then he’ll be able to turn to Allah for help with it, Insha Allah.

    Number4, thank you again!

  • Number4

    April 3, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum, 

    Jasmina lying is not ok. It clearly hurts you, it’s not healthy spirituality,  mentally or emotionally. 

    They descend on every lying, sinful person.”

    (Aayah No’s 221 & 222, Surah Ash-Shua’ra, Chapter No. 26, Holy Qur’an). 

    The liars it is, on whom the devil descends, along with other sinners. A dreadful disclosure for us!Actually it is not a disclosure as it is clearly mentioned in the Holy Qur’an, but since we seldom try to read and seek guidance from Qur’an, it is as good as a disclosure for us. What a pity! Nevertheless, the fact is that lying is one of the worst traits a human can possess. 

    There are even more soul-searching facts, mentioned in Qur’an, about liars. Here is a question:  

    Why do people lie?

    Let us try to find out the answer in Qur’an. Refer to following:

     “It is only those who believe not in the Ayaat of Allah, who fabricate falsehood, and it is they who are liars.”

     (Aayah No. 105, Surah Al-Nahl, Chapter No. 16, Holy Qur’an). 

    The verse mentioned above should be understood in two different contexts: it is not only applicable to disbelievers who invent falsehood in the religion and belie the word of Allah, but it applies equally to any types of lies (howsoever small or big). Truly, disbelievers are the biggest sinners, the biggest liars. Regarding the lies spoken by believers,

    It was narrated that Abdullah said: Rasool-Allah (PBUH) said, “Beware of lying, for lying leads to wickedness and wickedness leads to Fire (of Hell). A man may lie and strive hard in lying until he is recorded with Allah as a ‘Liar’. You should be truthful, for truthfulness leads to righteousness and righteousness leads to Paradise. A Man may speak truth and strive hard in speaking truth until he is recorded with Allah as a truthful person.”

    (Hadith No. 4989, Book of Etiquette, Sunan Abu Dawud, Vol. 5). 

    How much lies do all of us speak? We can’t keep a count for sure. Every now and then our lips utter a lie; a ring on door and we ask our son to say that Papa is not at home, phone call and we say to our daughter to say Mom is busy in kitchen and shall call you later (so as not to disturb our relaxation time), excusing from offices by giving false sickness certificate; these are few of the examples of those lies we speak and do in our daily lives. There might be so many others to mention; howsoever small or big, the fact is that a lie is a lie and one who is associated with them is a liar. 

  • Jasmina

    April 3, 2016

    Salam all

    i want to know is it normal for a husband to lie regularly? Why do they do it and how should it be dealt with? My husband is a liar and he gets very hurt if you insinuate that he has ever lied before.  Thing is he lies compulsively and he is very good at it too. I’m talking like 3-5 times a day, about stories, where he has been, false promises. 

    The worst is of course about his after work whereabouts. He says he works overtime everyday and I checked his time sheets and found out he does not. I know he goes to the other ones house but he just will not admit it even when I caught him. I’m just like be honest and we can figure it out together. But he believes his own lies I think, I think he has a problem.

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    April 1, 2016

    Alison, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Love you, too, Alison and miss you, my dear sister! So, the co has a beautiful baby gal. You are beautiful to speak so beautifully of them. I want to be like you.

    You sound to be so happy. Keep up the good work. You’ve got an awesome setup. You’re the only one I know who swing both ways lol – live monogamous sometimes and your marriage is polygamous others. You’ve got it going on. :-)

  • Alison

    April 1, 2016

    Asalam aleikum here i am ….. Was waiting eagerly lol am good all is well co got a baby gal beautiful mashallah so lovely.. Three months now on monogamy mode guess the polygamy mode will kick in soon. Am taking it easy and alhamdulila less bothered… Love you anna and missing you

  • anabellah

    April 1, 2016

    Alison, hey there :-)

    Where you be at? LOL

    Insha Allah, I’ll chat with you soon. I’m going to try to get some shuteye. I hope you’re well. Catch you later.

  • anabellah

    April 1, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for April 2016. We thank you all for being here with us. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussion. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the March 2016 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-March-2016-discussions/