Polygamy 411 April 2017 Discussions

polygamy 411 April 2017 DiscussionsWelcome to our polygamy 411 April 2017 discussions. The polygamy 411 blog and support group is for all who have a positive interest in polygamy. We invite all to join us here to talk about it. By all means feel free to discuss how it relates to you.

This blog is not about how well anyone writes. To clarify, it is not about punctuation, spelling, grammar, correct or incorrect English, or any of those things. That is to say, writing skills do not matter to us. Basically, we urge all to express themselves in a way that is easy for them. We allow our writers to use symbols, as well.

When reading the polygamy 411 April 2017 discussions, please be mindful that we are global

I ask you to remember that many from all around the globe are here with us. Notably, for many, English is their second language, and it is amazingly awesome that they write here.

For one thing, we should remember how difficult it was and it is to learn our own language. Then, we’d know what it takes for people to learn a foreign one.

I’m fascinated by the readers and the writers here. Especially, I admire anyone who can speak or read a foreign language. Not to mention, I’m grateful for all who come to this blog. I thank Allah for the blog and for you.

I am so delighted that you have joined our polygamy 411 April 2017 discussions

With a few exceptions, we welcome all on the planet to our home. We will not accept anyone who is against polygamy. With this in mind, we will not allow anyone to come here to ask people to hate it. This is not a blog for those who reject polygamy as a way of life.

For those whom we welcome, please share with us as much as you would like to share. Only share what makes you comfortable. We’d like to know your thoughts on what you read here, as well.

Most people feel uneasy when they write on a blog for the first time. I remember the first time that I wrote on one. It felt strange. I felt as though people could see me and knew who I was. Today, many know who I am, so, it’s okay. In fact, there is a kind of freedom in being known.

Without further to do, let loose. Don’t worry about what others think of you. You are unique. No one is you.

If you have missed reading any of the March 2017 discussions or would like to refresh your memory, the link to the thread is:

Polygamy 411 March 2017 Discussions

polygamy 411 April 2017 discussions

polygamy 411 April 2017 discussions

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177 Comments

  • Rosa

    April 29, 2017

    Thanks sis ana I will check out the new website when I get a minute. How exciting

  • anabellah

    April 29, 2017

    FYI: The new website displays differently on a laptop/desktop than on a smartphone. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

  • anabellah

    April 29, 2017

    Just want to share with you all that I put together another website. It will be informative only and not open for comments. There won’t be much information on it. Most of my attention will be to this 411 site here. The link is:
    polygamy in Islam. com

  • anabellah

    April 28, 2017

    Heartbroken, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    The ladies here have given you excellent advice. I know for a fact that crying, pleading, begging and clinging to a husband will not make things better. It only makes things worse. You’ve got to pull yourself together and you need Allah’s help to do it.

    As Flower said, Allah tells us that a husband will not love his wives all the same. He will love one more than the other. A husband is not wrong for loving one more. Allah controls the heart. He put the love in the heart. He determines which wife the husband will love more.

    You’re going to have to learn to accept it or perhaps your marriage will end in a divorce, as Gail mentioned. She also indicated some things you could do to prepare in case he divorces you.

    If you start turning away from your husband, you may find that he begins to turn to you. He may then begin to look forward to seeing you and being with you.

    I know this is all new to you and it takes time to figure it all out. You absolutely need to turn to Allah, if you want your marriage to get better.

    As Rosa stated, Allah created us to worship Him. It’s why we’re on this planet. It’s not about a spouse. We need to learn to make life about Allah. Then we will find peace, contentment and ease in our lives. It won’t happen unless we do that.

  • anabellah

    April 28, 2017

    Amonie,

    I’m sorry, but as I was reading your post, I was shaking my head. What on earth possessed you to AGREE to your husband bringing his other wife into your home? If he couldn’t do the three nights at her house and couldn’t find somewhere else to take her, then that’s really tough. She needs to stay there alone and he come to your home and stay until he can figure something out to fix the problem.

    Furthermore, don’t AGREE to something like that and then not like it. What were you thinking? I can tell you that he loves her enough to ask you if he could bring her to your home, as he didn’t want to be without her. He made it obvious to you just how much he loves her by the way he behaved. He didn’t want to be without her, not even for a day.

    REALLY – how did you think he would behave towards her once he brought her into your home? A husband will love a wife more than the other and what better way for one to find out who that favorite is than to have the wives both or all together. It will surely show. Whether it in how they look at each other or he looks at her or their body language, what is says, what he does, or something. It will manifest itself. It will present itself. It will show. It’s a natural thing.

    Anyhow, by you bringing her into your home, you got a clear picture. Now, get her out of there and Insha Allah, don’t do it again.

    You can’t win your husband’s love by agreeing to everything that he wants and doing everything that he says. Do what Allah says. Learn what He says and do it. You’re focusing on created things and when that happens, you know what – Allah turns created things against you. WAKE UP! STAND UP! And Command respect.

    Put Allah first or else you’re going to have one heck of a miserable life…

  • Rosa

    April 28, 2017

    Heartbroken

    You have to stop chasing after your husband. The more you keep calling him, or texting and waiting for him to come to you, the more of a gap it’s going to create between you two. When you take all that energy you’re using to focus on your husband and what he’s doing and not doing and completely fixating on Allah making Allah your priority in life I guarantee it will bring you and your husband closer than ever before. We re in this world to worship Allah, Praise Allah, always remember Him, be grateful to Allah. Everything else is secondary. Once we weaken in our duties towards Allah then Allah puts us in situations that will bring us back to our senses.

  • Rosa

    April 28, 2017

    Flower I must applaud you in that post. You said everything and then some that I wanted to say to heartbroken. There were a few lessons for me in that post as well.

    Amonie I suggest you never to allow your husband and his other wife to spend nights in your home again. May Allah bless your intentions but I think it’s quite selfish on your husbands part to even see something like that through. No wife wants to hear the bed screeching in her home if she’s not doing the deed herself. It’s just wrong on so many levels. I cannot even begin to fathom

  • anabellah

    April 28, 2017

    Mari2,

    I agree with what you said about “mail order brides”. I suppose many men think those women are better than American women. Most of the brides that they get are from poor countries or countries that oppress women. Those women want a way out and a better life. So, they agree to marry any man who would give them what they want.

    I’ve seen TV shows in which the men and their mail ordered brides were interviewed. Just about all of the wives appeared depressed and unhappy. On the other hand, the men were happy and smiling. They were hugged up on the woman and she appeared as though she was suffocating. Those women basically settle for being sex slaves and maids to the men. Some of the women had interpreters, as they couldn’t even speak English. I definitely can see how a man would prefer and like such a woman and be in his selfish glory.

    Look at Donald Trump’s marriage. Melania is from Slovania and doesn’t speak English that well. She seems not to like him, and he appears to be abusive to her. She not even happy to be “The First Lady”. I’d have my butt up in the White House in a hot minute. She’s not too interested in being with him. She’s said to move into the White House in June. We’ll see…

  • Flower

    April 28, 2017

    Ana

    Thanks for your compliment (you said you liked my comments and should charge by the hour) it means a lot. May Allah increase you. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    Gail, so glad you’ve found time to comment again. As always, it a pleasure to read you.

    Serena
    You write some awesome comments.

  • Amonie

    April 28, 2017

    I posted on here about my situation not long ago and now here I am looking for advice again…My husband got re married and​ I am already upset about that, but I have Allah and have come to the understanding that this is going to happen either way. But now my issue is..I am still in process of trying to except all of this, I really am trying. I have reached out to help my co wife get back on track with her Dean and be there to help as much as I can, I am also taking baby steps. Well in the meantime something​ has happened were her and my husband can’t do there nights at her house temporaryly and he has asked me if they can do them at my house..I don’t like the idea but in the same time I don’t want to lose him by being difficult..So I said she could stay the night but give me respect.(I was also hoping that he I would figure something else out, because he new I was not really ok I was just doing it to keep peace).that didnt happen. She came for the first time. Well I don’t like it at all knowing they are in the other room and this is my house. The way he acts around me when she is there wasn’t really okay ether. He acted like I wasn’t even in the home..Are kids are here and he even asked me at the end of the night while we were all in the livingroom if I was going to bed..I was also attended when he said I was going to take her upstairs but I don’t think I will..So to me there was no respect at all..Now he is upset with me because when he asked me if I was going to bed, I went to bed and didn’t kiss him goodnight, he is mad because he new that I was unhappy about the situation..What do I do..I feel like things have just been worse between us and I’m tiered of always taking the blame like it’s my fault. He tells me I’m pushing him away when I don’t agree with the way he is handling things..I feel like all this is being pushed on me and I am not having anytime to get used to it.i feel like my kindness is being taken for weakness and all I want is to save my marriage..So do I just deal with it. Suck it all up. What do I do..

  • Flower

    April 28, 2017

    Heartbroken

    I too believe you’ve posted here before. Its ok, I get that you keep wanting a fresh look at the situation amd maybe if you omit a few details the answers/advice will be different. I get your in a lot of pain, and it seems your only spinning in circles going over the same problems and issues and never getting the answers you want. Its known as the “hamster wheel” going round and round and never achieving anything, the situation doesn’t change, your feelings dont change. If you jeep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always got.

    Ok, so your husband loves her very much right now, you cant change it. Hes running around after her and tending to all her needs. I know to admit this is very difficult and VERY painful. You’re going to have to go through that pain, face it head on, feel it, know it, go past it.

    You’re not the only women to realise shes needy and you wont be the last. We can be needy, but only to Allah,its the only time neediness becomes something good. Even in a monogamous marriage neediness is detrimental, its saying a person cannot live without the other, in fact we can not live without Allah, and we certainly cannot live happily without Allah.

    I cant stress enough that you need to completely remove the focus off your husband and his other wife. Dont try and do it all at once, in Islam we have a saying “shayan fa shayan” or “bit by bit” small steps, baby steps. While your on “the hamster wheel” going round and round, wake yourself up and jump off that thing, even if it’s just for a moment,tell yourself ‘nope, not doing it, it never changed anything last time and it won’t this time’ be kind to yourself in that way.

    I would suggest you dont contact your husband unless you actually want his help (like bringing something from the shop or one of the children have an accident). Dont do this out of spite, do it because when you dont get the reply or response you want, it upsets you, don’t upset yourself.

    I know what you really want it your husbands time, attention and a example of his love for you like a kiss or handholding when your upset that you had previously. It wasn’t good for you, it only made you dependent on him for emotional support and validation. If you had that back, you wouldn’t progress in life as an adult and life as a muslim. You would only become a woman who sits and complains about polygamy while your husband pats your head and says ‘I’m so sorry’ you’d still be in polygamy and slowly progressing back to a child state of mind. I’d hazard a guess that this is why your husband is not responding to your emotional state, hes see he would be treating you as a child and wants you to be a woman. He may treat his other wife in this fashion and that means he doesn’t mind ‘babying’ her, he wants her to remain in a childlike state. Who he can pacify with a few kind words and doesn’t have to put in that much intellectual effort.

    I dont mind what ‘username’ you have, or if you feel you gave a bad impression. I want you to progress through the stages and come out a strong, informed, self-assured WOMAN. Let us help you, inshaAllah. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Serena

    April 28, 2017

    Heartbroken

    You said your husband promised to love you both equally. A man will never be able to love equally read meaning of surah Nisa ayah 129. Believe the word of Allah over the promises your husband makes.

  • Serena

    April 28, 2017

    Walaikum asalam

    Heartbroken

    Welcome. Your situation sounded a bit like that of someone called confused and depressed and then she posted using other names. Anyway MashaAllah Gail gave you very good advice especially about your financial situation.

    I also agree that tell your family. What do you mean by when you are ready then you will tell them? Incase you fear your family won’t give appropriate advice then go to an Imam or a mutual friends of yours and your husband.

    You are responsible for your actions and to an extent the way your husband is treating you because he knows he can treat you like that and get away with it especially if you don’t get someone else involved.

    Sister please don’t suffer in silence remember Allah much and ask Him to help you.

  • Gail

    April 28, 2017

    Heartbroken,

    I read your post and felt your pain as I read it.Listen u said her parents were giving her a hard time over her marriage to your husband.I can only assume they know he has two wives and is practicing Polygamy and it would seem they are against Polygamy and want her to divorce him(I don’t think think logically speaking sense u have children with your husband they would want him to divorce you) so this may very well be her family issue is my thinking.Now your husband might be in a catch 22 to where he would divorce you to keep the other wife but if he did that he is still going to look bad in his inlaws eyes and they will say he left his first wife and kids for their daughter(It looks bad on him either way so If this is going on he is damned if he does and damned if he don’t so to speak).I don’t think they r putting pressure on him to divorce u or already would have by the way he is treating you.
    As far as your cowife keeping his money well this thing happens in Polygamy or at least it did in my situation as well but I was the money holder in our family.
    In my situation my cowife didn’t work and relied on my husband and his family for her every need.With me I owned a business with my husband and I told my husband after marriage we would not be giving any money to his parents.I would be keeping all money and that is what I did.Now when my cowife came to find out she demanded she keep the money to husband and I said”No Can Do Honey” my business my money.I told her myself she can have anything she wants just let me know and I will give her and she said”No Can Do Honey” after that hubby kicked her to the curb.
    Do u have your own money or our u completely financially relying on your husband for all your financial needs?If so u will need to figure out how much u need per month a lump sum and have that amount put into your account monthly(I would ask for a little more to start building a nest egg on the side as well).In the meantime u are going to have to bring yourself to tell your family whats going on because u need a support network that u can lean on and go to for advice not to mention if he up and decides to divorce u just to keep the other wife and her family satisfied on the off chance they are telling him to divorce you(although I don’t see older people doing that sense u have kids with your husband but u never know for certain). sense u have been married for 12 yrs I would say stop crying and start preparing yourself for the worse just in case he up and divorces you.Your kids need to be your number one focus now.
    Listen one other thing u can do to find out where his head is at is to come out and ask him straight whats going on because u don’t like being out of the loop and u want to help fix the situation sense he is obviously taking tension over his second wife.If u don’t get an answer from him then go to your cowife and flat out ask her whats going on and if she don’t pony up and tell u whats going on then u have your answer that she is against you(if u don’t already know).My point is u need to stop crying and figure out what the heck is going on and figure out what u are and are not willing to deal with going forward in your marriage.Try to work it out by talking to them and if they shut u out then take steps to secure u and your kids life.Don’t play second fiddle to anyone and don’t let people belittle you by u having to go through a chain to get your own money.Just have the entire amount placed into a checking account monthly.If your cowife does it or your husband who cares as long as it is deposited u don’t have to ask either one of them(problem solved).One last thing stop beating yourself up u don’t want your kids growing up weak minded by seeing u cry and be depressed(and kids do sense if something is wrong with mom)u don’t want them thinking crying and depression is normal.Cheer up girl I promise it’s not the end of the world.Hugssss….

  • Heartbroken

    April 28, 2017

    Salam and Hello to All.
    Silent reader here. I want to share. I want to share my story here.

    So my husband springs his secret marriage of almost 3 years to me last August.

    I was and am still heartbroken about it..but anyway.

    But I still loved him and we had a Mashallah small lovely family together and I didn’t want to break us up. He promised to love us equally and that our marriage would not change and he was really lovely in the beginning but last 4-5 months back he has really changed.

    Doesn’t spend any time with me at all. Comes home at 1am. Checks whatsapp and FB then turns away from me and goes to sleep and then runs off at 7am the next day.

    Where is he till 1am on my days? With her.
    She lives right next door to his business so he is pretty much at her house or she is at the office the whole day. His timings are really flexible so he doesn’t need to be in office the entire day.
    He used to come home on my days for lunch OR dinner but that has stopped too. Work he claims. Really?? 18 hours of continuous work? Does he think I am clueless about his work after 12 years of marriage..

    So he wants to spend all the time with her. Comes home and acts like it’s an obligation to be with me.. ignores my calls when I call him even tho it’s been almost 12-15 hours since I I have seen or spoken to him. I just wanna ask him how was his day or what’s up.. sometimes I just miss him. I just want a few min chat and catch up as I know when he gets home I won’t get a word from him or on her days I won’t get to see him at all. but he ignores my calls or doesnt reply to my msgs.. apparently I am disturbing his time with her..

    But when he is home with me and she calls he will dive for the phone no matter how tired or sleepy or what time it is
    It’s happened ample amount of times.

    So apparently she is going through some major issues with her parents concerning her marriage to him and she is under major depression and since it’s because of him that she is going through so called hell He needs to be there for her.

    He says it’s been so many months since he told me so if I am still depressed about it then he cannot do anything about it and I can’t expect him to be there for me all the time. But he can be there for her in her time of need . He says she only has him and no one else..
    What does he mean by all the time?? I dont get to talk to him at all.. To spend time with him. And since he is so stressed himself and seeing her go through so much I cannot expect him to be thep same loving husband as before till things from their side get sorted out apparently.
    That I need to deal with this myself and cannot expect anything from him anymore.

    So all love and care and comfort can be shown to her. But nothing to me. I have kids and my parents and family with me but she has no one etc etc..
    My family don’t know yet and I will inform when I am strong enough and when it’s necessary. And the kids.. Really??

    I am so miserable ladies.. I feel I am back to the same place I was when I found out. I felt I was getting better. But at least he was there for me then.. But now he is actually so rude and makes it so clear he is with me out of some sense of duty and not love. I know I need to be strong myself but his behaviour is pushing me into a downward spiral. He says that I haven’t accepted his marriage to her otherwise I wouldn’t be depressed still and ask for time from him. But I am only asking for equal time… equal love and attention..

    I feel like such a loser for being so needy and useless and he in turns blames his behaviour on me saying me acting so insecure is driving him away.

    She even keeps his money with her and if I need anything I need to ask him and he asks her and then gives me money. how demeaning. All this he says shouldn’t make a difference to me he says.. But she handles all his bank accounts. In fact even all financial transactions are done by her. When I asked him why doesn he handle his accounts himself..he says she is my wife and she wants to do it. Dont ask me so many stupid questions etc
    So it was an insult and disrespect to her that I even asked this question and he made such a big deal about it and refused to speak to me for days..

    Pls help me ladies. Pls help me deal and get out of this depression. I will be taking a shower and suddenly weeping. I try and distract myself and go for movies alone or with my kids.. But I cry in the dark..
    I feel so low and shitty sometimes and his disgust of me and the way he rolls his eyes when he SOMETIMES see tears in my eyes. I must have broken down in front of him maybe thrice in the last 4 months or so as I try to be strong but seeing his reaction to me when I am upset make me more sad. He just sits away from me and ignores me or just walks off and goes to sleep.
    A small gesture like a hug or just hold my hand is too much apparently as he says he cannot keep PAMPERING me and I need to deal with my shit myself as he has his own stuff to deal with…I need to get strong ladies. How??

    Curse me for still loving him after all this..

    Any advice? Is my behaviour really the cause of all this?

  • Mari2

    April 26, 2017

    I have heard some men talk about how mail order brides were better than American women. But I honestly think that some of these men prefer mail order brides because they can manipulate the women and feel powerful in the relationship because they hold all the cards so to speak.

  • Rosa

    April 26, 2017

    I agree. It would be like talking to a brick wall

  • anabellah

    April 25, 2017

    yeah. I know! I’m sensing some ugly hostilities emanating from him. He must have gotten burned really bad by an American woman. Anyhow, there’s no talking to and reasoning with the likes of him.

  • Rosa

    April 25, 2017

    Well damn Lol

  • Mari2

    April 25, 2017

    @Ana,

    You are correct in what you state about Islam being important, not the culture. The Imam at our mosque is constantly saying this to our culturally diverse population. He constantly preaches that is but one Quran. Not a Pakistani Quran or an Egyptian Quran, or a Somali Quran. He gets annoyed when men say I am this nationality so I do A and B as a Muslim. Or when they say “In my country….”. At the last khutba the Imam spoke about mediating an Islamic divorce for a couple and the husband was demanding all sorts of ridiculous, unislamic payments from the wife. When the Imam told the husband that his requests were unislamic, the husband cursed at the Imam and went on the “In my country” rant. It really can be crazy with some.

    I’ve also noticed with M and his family that much of their “beliefs” are either contrived from hadiths or old wives tales. M told me once that a child could only be conceived at night in complete darkness. If the child was conceived during the day, Satan would attach himself to the baby. Really?

  • anabellah

    April 25, 2017

    This is too funny. Look at what I found in my “spam queue”:

    “I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women? American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least. This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.”

    The person has a blog and was trying to promote it here LOL. I trashed the post.

  • anabellah

    April 25, 2017

    Gail,

    What you and Mari2 said is sooooo similar. WOW. The Pakistani family dynamics are so weird to me. It’s funny that you see them as being strange and they see you as being strange LOL It’s about right. Usually, we all think that we are right. I can’t believe your children are the ages that they are. Furthermore, I can’t get past the thought of how fleeting this life is. It’s amazing that we’re into the ninth year of this blog.

    So you’ve got a little suzie homemaker on your hands and it would be so awesome if your son becomes a pilot. It’s the coolest thing. I think of the movie, “Catch Me If you Can” when I envision your son as a pilot. It nice how the older one is helping out too. Thank Allah much for your lovely family. Alhumdulliah. I thought your eldest son was living with you too now.

  • anabellah

    April 25, 2017

    Mari2,

    In all that I’ve read about our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), it was said that he married women of various tribes to bring all people to Islam. Islam is not about Nationalism, which is why it annoys me so much knowing that the Arab want to make Islam about Arabs and the Pakistanis want to make it about Pakistanis. It’s not at all about Islam for many Pakistani’s. We know it about culture for them. It’s all so unIslamic and wrong.
    Allah says that He made us of all races and languages so that we could know one another and not despise one another. He said if He wanted us all to be the same, He would have created us that way. Islam is a religion for all people. It suppose to unite us, not divide us. Not many people live Islam. They live his-slam and her-slam.

  • Gail

    April 25, 2017

    Ana,
    I myself laugh as I am writing describing my crazy family and their nonsense drama!I see them strange and they see me strange.My MIL got her USA citizenship and she just got her passport back a few days back.They are getting ready to go back in the middle of June.I am so excited for the summer so Hubby and I and the kids can go places and enjoy without hubby having to deal with his parents.Their not as much trouble as they use to be but we r so busy now with two businesses and keeping up our properties like mowing and small jobs there really doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day.Thanks Goodness my 15 yr old son is old enough to help out with lawn work and my soon to be 14 yr old daughter deals inside the home for us.My 12 yr old all he does is study government FAA regulations and Law stuff.I am really excited for him.I can’t believe in a few yrs he will actually be a pilot.I am going soon to see about getting him enrolled so he can take his time and enjoy learning to fly.Out of all my kids he is the only one that has life goals and dreams of his own.My daughter has dreams of being a baker and opening her own bakery but bless her heart she has no natural talent for baking.She bakes all the time and tries to get everyone to eat her creations but the only one enjoying is our dog Jack!I tell them to eat it so they won’t hurt her feelings but dang my toilet paper bill has gone wayyy up as everyone complains that her food gives them the crapsss!Seems she is getting enrolled in a baking class come this winter.

  • anabellah

    April 25, 2017

    Gail,

    You had me cracking up laughing the way you described what your co probably has as a husband now. You are too funny LOL. I missed your humorous posts while you were gone.

  • Gail

    April 25, 2017

    Rosa,
    It might seem now like I didn’t want to work with my excowife but that is soo not the case.At one time I was obsessed with fixing her back with us but she only wanted me out of the picture.Oh she was nice to my face but she was always busy stabbing me and my sister inlaws in the back anytime she got the chance.For me her being part of kicking my inlaws out of their home and running her mouth in the street was tipping point for me not to mention she tried her level best to steal my MIL gold collection.Her family our thieves but when she did all that I knew that she had no caring about her own children knowing that it would get back to us what she did and she would be cut off permanently from us and the kids.My husband and I didn’t really do anything she knew what the outcome would be when she took sides and started screaming in the streets like a blooming idiot.
    U know that old saying”You do it You get it!” Lets see what kind of husband she got.I figure it will be some divorce person or an old widow man with 5 kids she will have to serve the rest of her life.I figure everything will be made clear in time as my inlaws are Class A Snoopers!

  • Gail

    April 25, 2017

    Mari2,

    Everything u described about family feuds over marriages is exactly what has gone on with my family.I ended up becoming the thorn in my husbands extended families side.Believe me if his family could do away with me they would.Hubby wanted to go back this winter and I told him nope I have no interest to go back this season.I just don’t have the stomach to deal with all the gossip and nonsense.My inlaws chat every single day on the phone inquiring information about family members who they have a feud with.Believe me the Kardashian’s craziness is nothing compared to my fruitloop family.Even my husband thinks his parents have gone off the deep end.It would be one thing if they disowned each other and walked away NO WAY they just keep looking at what the other is doing waiting,lurking,spying to see what the other person is doing ughhhh…It’s insanity at it’s finest.
    Don’t worry about your cowife she is going to continue her insanity as well until she either has a kid and uses that over his head or she finds some other amusement.On one hand I get where she is coming from because it is embarrassing for Pakistani women to have a cowife and if they do it’s just expected they r to run them off.Other Pakistani women tease them and straight up ask how it works to share a husband and then they will say I will never share my husband.It’s vicious and I get it but it’s still retarded.They should accept it and not go back on their word once they know their husband is Polygamous or just divorce and be done with it.

  • Mari2

    April 24, 2017

    Gail,

    Once 2 gets pregnant and or delivers a son, yes things will get more complicated for M. She will not change her current behavior. Only her complaints will change categories. It will just be same old day, newest complaint. I think that some girls are just wired to be constant complainers. No matter what largess Allah may grant them.

  • Mari2

    April 24, 2017

    @Ana

    I will say that the Pakistani culture that thrives in the more tribal areas has the ability to cut off family members down to a science. Sadly when 80 percent of marriages in the KPK occur between cousins,what ends up is families pitted against families. I need a flow chart to keep up with which family members of M have “cut off relations” with other family members. Case in point: last year, M’s sister chose to end and engagement to her cousin. She had every right to do so prior to marriage. My goodness she was engaged to him at 13. At 16 she said no. M paid her way out of the engagement. The result was a hot mess. His sister had to go into hiding to avoid harassment from chachis. M’s family members took sides. The result..right next door lives M’s cousin Fawad and his family. M grew up with Fawad. They were best friends. Fawad’s parents are M’s aunt and uncle. When I visited Pakistan, Fawad and his family were always a funny and engaging bunch of people. But since M’s sister broke her engagement, they cut ties and refuse to speak or even offer salams to his family. THEY LIVE RIGHT NEXT DOOR! And my MIL has a brother who lives right here in this same town as us. He too has cut ties with M’s family and refuses to see his own sister who is but .5 miles down the road. His very own sister. That’s how they do it in Pakistan when marriages are so complicated by blood ties and perceived wealth and inheritance.
    I thought that I read somewhere that the prophet PBUH encouraged marrying outside ones tribe.

  • Rosa

    April 24, 2017

    Gail I always laugh when you say the phrase ” I told her to knock it off”. Your ex co and family seem so twisted. It’s hard to believe some muslims act the way they do. It’s so foreign to me and I can’t quite wrap my head around that drama

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2017

    Gail,

    Yeah, I get what you said. It’s a hot mess! SMH . It’s difficult enough dealing with family, let alone family marrying family and having to deal with that. It’s some weird stuff. Some families flee from their families, but when you’re married to family there’s no getting away from them. I have my own thoughts about how Pakistanis tend to marry their family to keep their wealth all in the family and such. It’s contrary to what we as Muslims should do. Muslim are meant to marry any Muslim of any nationality, face or ethnicity. The most righteous is the best to marry. Furthermore, wealth is not supposed to be circulated just among family or the wealthy. Oh, well. Seems many Pakistanis live in their own world.

    I get you about how the men don’t take care of or want to be bothered with other men’s children. That is huge. I certainly know as the ayah (verse) about marrying one if you can’t be just to the orphans, which is widely misunderstood is just about that. It’s not about justice to women/wives. It’s about being just to those orphan children. Allah gives understanding to whom He wills.

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2017

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, :-)

    It’s sooooo good to hear from you. As with just about all of the writers here who have opened up and shared with us, I think about you often and miss you. I’m happy to hear that you had a nice holiday away with your family. Change of scenery and alone time with the family away from all the hustle and bustle of the every day is can work wonders. Alhumdulliah.

    About the roller coaster ride that you’re still on, it sounds about right. You’re still in the infant stages of acceptance. Battling depression pretty much goes hand-in-hand with it, as well. Keep fighting the good fight. You’re doing good by not letting it all destroy you. It’s super good that you are optimistic and feeling strong in the midst of it all. Keep up the good work. Keep your focus on Allah and He’ll take you through it.

    I love what Rosa wrote to you. It was so beautiful and true. I put the link here for all to re-read: Rosa’s post to Karima

    I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

  • Gail

    April 24, 2017

    Ana,
    I forgot to mention my kids and religion.As my kids are getting older they are not really into religious theology but more into the science of G.D and creation through science.They know both Judaism and honor Shabbat and also Islam and do Eid holidays nothing has really changed in that regard.I should mention we are against Zionism.
    Oh I said I would disown my kids if they wanted to see excowife I personally wouldn’t disown them but I wouldn’t give them their inheritance is what I should have said but thats just me the rest of the family would disown them.I wouldn’t give them inheritance because I don’t want her to have one penny of my hard earned money.I wish I could sound nicer when it comes to her but I just can’t find my way to do so at this time after all the crap she has done.

  • Gail

    April 24, 2017

    Ana,
    I wish I could be friends with my excowife and try to let her be a part of my kids life but it’s just never going to be possible.I don’t know if I told u or not but in Pakistan everyone lives together esp the boys live with their parents in their family home.Well my excowife was part of having my inlaws kicked out of their home they built but was on my husbands Grandfathers name.She did this knowing her own kids had a claim to that property(Inheritance.As if that was not bad enough when the police were tossing my inlaws stuff on the street she ran to try to steal my MIL gold.It just so happen that my MIL thought fast and had my younger Brother inlaw run to other door and grab it before they could get to it and they did try to get to it
    It’s gone worse sense I last talk to u about her.Her brother and my sister inlaw were married and have the baby girl with a heart problem remember?Well they are now divorced but they r going to court over dowry money,gold,etc… and excowife brother stood in front of a judge telling her that she needs to send the child to a cheaper doctor because he can’t afford where my other Brother inlaw who is a heart surgeon works(he wants to take her to a charity hospital) which is never going to happen.Just to give u a glimps at how twisted these people are they let their own family member die because they refuse to pay for a kidney transplant and to make matters even more disgusting they would not get off their butts and take him to dialysis.The boy died last week at age 20 because knowone wanted to pay for his treatment.Even my Father inlaw and husband offered to pay a couple of yrs back but because of the family feud they were told to FFF… Off.So the boy died.
    Also my excowife brother stood up in court in front of a judge and said my sister inlaw is trying to kill her own child.My sister inlaw became distraught what he is saying and freaked out.She started screaming let him have the child if she dies I will go to prison all because of this B@st@rd family.Obviously after she calmed down and my husband told her if she can’t handle the child him and I will make a future for the child she is not to worry for the child’s future and the family is going to stand behind her the fear left her.
    Even this time when my excowife messaged it happened to be on her son that I adopted birthday and she didn’t even wish him a happy birthday(chances she forgot it by now sense she never sends him a card or nothing all these yrs).
    I don’t know I just have zero sympathy for her because she had the choice same like I did to suck it up and make the best out of it but she refused and bailed out and did alot of really disgusting things in the process.
    As far as the kids ever seeing her they could but if they wanted but they would loose my husband and I and their brothers and my husbands entire family which is tied into their inheritance and to be frank excowife new husband is never going to accept them or pay anything for them because in Pakistani culture men don’t support other men’s children.Also I would imagine it would mess up her marriage as well with her new husband because they don’t want another mans kids around(hard to explain that culture but that is just the way it is).Had it been a simple divorce then maybe it would have been ok for her to visit the kids.I was all for that but now it’s gone way to far to where even my own biological son can’t stand my excowife.It’s sick minded to me because excowife knowingly did all this nonsense knowing she would forever loose the kids.I told her so many times in the past to knock off but she never listened and still to this day she is not sorry for creating such a mess.

  • Rosa

    April 24, 2017

    Wow. That’s an awful lot to expect in the future on top of being in a polygamous marriage like that’s hard enough in itself without all that

  • Gail

    April 24, 2017

    Rosa,
    Once Mari2 cowife gets pregnant it’s going to get a million times worse because then she knows she has got a kid to hold over her husbands head to manipulate him.It will never get better because even as Mari2 has said even the girls own mother calls on Mari2 days that she is with her husband knowingly just to cause strife.What u think the girls mother is not involved in the scheme? Even Mari2 MIL is involved to a large degree they just hide it and try to act innocent like they r helping the poor girl to adjust(it’s all fake scheming).I don’t know how this is going to play out in the long run for Mari2 to be honest but this manipulation crap is here to stay as far as I can see.

  • Serena

    April 24, 2017

    Salam

    I have to disagree with Rosa here because I don’t think Mari2 co will settle when she gets pregnant. If anything the drama will probably increase. She already plays up on Mari2 days so imagine if she is pregnant or has a child. She will probably use it to try and have that extra edge.

    I agree with Gail that she won’t find peace with polygamy because of her culture and as Ana quite rightly said the cowife needs to learn her Islam. Once she starts accepting what Islam is all about the tests trials polygamy etc inshaAllah she can start moving forward.

  • Rosa

    April 24, 2017

    Karima
    So nice of you to pop back in. Glad you’re doing the best you can with the cards you’re dealt. Remember Allah always and try to be content with your life as Allah decreed it all the good and the bad. Allah puts us in troubled waters to test our strength. A test is never too far from a believer. There’s always a test peeping from every corner. Embrace them with a smile and patience.

  • Rosa

    April 24, 2017

    Once Mari2 co gets pregnant I’m sure the drama will settle. That’s how pakistani’s function. It’s like the marriage is not concluded until she gets knocked up which is expected to happen right away, the first night lol

    Gail I share ana’s sentiments. It’s best to forgive and move on in a positive way. Yall keeping the kids away from their biological mom could backfire on yall once they turn 18. They may resent the both of you despite all the good you may have done for them bringing them up since they were so young. It’s a given just like with adopted kids they eventually want to meet their biological parents. It’s a natural thing. I know yall don’t want to lose them forever or have them eventually resent yall so be on the safe side and make right of the situation. I read your whole story and I too think your hubby did yall both wrong. And as u say now referring to mari2 co how pakistanis do not accept polygamy it’s all about culture. Think with that same mind frame when thinking of ur ex co. It’s like dejavu

  • Karima

    April 24, 2017

    Salam and hello to All!

    I have been a silent reader. I missed you Ana. I’m happy you are well and are about to go on a vacation soon. We also went for 4 days abroad as a family recently and had a very nice time. I try to move on as best as I can , the roller coaster is coming n going lol but I’m still here I haven’t left my husband and I don’t think I have the strength to do that ……one thing is I have become stronger that I feel and with the help of God I will survive and be the best mom and wife I can be under the circumstances. I’m battling with depression some days but I’m not letting it to destroy me…I still work part time and look after husband kids and house as best as I can. Just stopped to say Hi and to say thank you once again for everything !!!

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2017

    Gail,

    I definitely know how hard you worked at trying to have your ex-co and you all become a family. Let me say, it’s just so difficult for me to comment to you about it because your husband doesn’t live Islam, yet he says he is Muslim. It all comes back to Pakistan and how they live culture over Islam despite saying they are Muslim. Then with the way you both are raising the children as Jews? or (I shrug my shoulders) I don’t know. You said before that you are exposing them to all religions (way of life), if I’m not mistaken.

    I can say that in Islam, Muslims are not to cut ties with their (“Muslim”) family. It’s what Allah says. So, if your ex-co is “Muslim” and her children are “Muslim”, they shouldn’t cut ties with one another. Even, if the children aren’t “Muslim”, they shouldn’t cut ties with their biological mother unless she tries to get them to do something that is not Islamic.

    It’s heartless of your husband to deny those children communication with their mother. Even though their mother acted out and didn’t want anything to do with them in the past, she may have asked Allah to forgive her for all the wrong that she has done. Maybe He has forgiven her. He is an Oft-Forgiving and Merciful God. Your ex-co may be trying to do the right thing.

    Furthermore, say for instance, if when her daughter/your step-daughter does turn 18, and she wants to (sponsor) bring her to the States, it’s not sinful or a wrong thing to do. We simply speak a lot about in in the negative because many people use and manipulate other hurting them to get here.

    Gail, I just don’t understand your husband’s way of thinking. He’s very hardhearted. You say you don’t know how she could have been so cold heart towards you, your hubby and the kids. Gail, think about it. Everything she ever wanted and dreamed of was take from her. Your husband did you and her wrong. She was just as hurt as you were. Granted, she and he schemed to do away with you so that she and he could live their dreams and, yes, it was wrong. It backfired on her. She sure has paid for it. There was a whole lot of wrong that was done. It’ time to forgive and keep it moving forward.

    I know you have no control over your husband. I just thought I’d share with you my thoughts about it.

  • Gail

    April 24, 2017

    Maryam,

    I understand where u r coming from to feel sorry for my excowife as u don’t know the entire story.I tried my level best to make the Polygamy marriage work but it was a loosing battle because my excowife was always stabbing me in the back.She never accepted my son with my husband which happen to be her own children baby brother and she let it be known she hated my son on many occasions.I told her so many times to knock off but she never did.She did so many hateful things to other family members and just for a lack of a better word wicked.At this point I would be doing a sin to let her near the children in my view.I have legally adopted her son when he was 4 he is 15 now and don’t have any bond with her.My daughter might like to have something to do with her but it is never going to be possible because of the family situation.My husband refuses to let her near the children and I honestly can’t say that I blame him after all the crap she has done.U would be shocked if I told u everything but I don’t want to rehash the past as it is to awful.
    My excowife is married now and maybe she will have more kids and get the life she always wanted but I more think she is going to end up being a servant to some man and his kids if he has any.She is the type of person that acts nice on your face but stabs u in the back.I hate that type of personality.

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2017

    Gail,

    I’m sorry to hear about your sister-in-law having MS. When I hear stories like it, it only makes me more grateful to God for my life and His gifts, bounties, mercy etc. Although, it is very easy to fall asleep and start wanting more and more and want it faster and faster. It’s easy to hear about others and want to change our ways, but as soon as the other and what they are going through are out of sight and out of mind, it’s back to us chasing desires again. Sigh.

  • Gail

    April 23, 2017

    Mari2,

    Listen I don’t think your cowife will ever find peace because of cultural pressures.I am curious to see how your situation turns out but don’t expect that girl to ever find peace with Polygamy because Pakistani women as a whole don’t accept Polygamy as a marriage option.They don’t like to share or play nice.

  • Gail

    April 23, 2017

    Mari2,

    Happy to see u r still with the blog.I seen your cowife is not happy these days.So she finally made it to USA and is living with hubby and his mom I assume? I wouldn’t worry about her because from what I seen the majority of Pakistani women don’t accept Polygamy and sense u r not member of their family she will try her all efforts to force him to divorce u.I can tell u this much if your husband ever does divorce u it won’t be because your cowife has told him to do it.The real force would come from his or her family but Pakistani men on average don’t listen to their wives from my observation.
    Her problem is that she don’t want Polygamy in her life because family people see her as less because she can’t get rid of you.I am assuming she is trying to get rid of you.lol

  • Gail

    April 23, 2017

    Ana,
    Yes my marriage anniversary is right behind u.It will be 14 yrs for hubby and I.Thats really nice of u to say about being featured in a Magazine.As far as excowife I legally adopted her son here in USA when he was 4 so she can’t ever use him to immigrate but her daughter that I am raising technically she could if I don’t step up and legally adopt her before she turns 18.I really don’t have any intentions to legally adopt my daughter just for that purpose because excowife has been cut off and the kids know they can’t ever see her again.If they tried my husband has told me as hard as it would be for him he would be forced to disown any child that tried to seek her out in the future.Bottom line it has went to far now our daughter is the only one that could possibly help her but she has been warned never to do it and she understands ties r cut.To answer your question yes it could happen but I doubt it will because she would loose her entire dads side of the family and her own brothers and as sad as it is to say this she knows excowife could have kept her but she didn’t and she has not even tried in the past 5 yrs to contact.
    On a different note I have a sister inlaw that has been diagnosed with MS and she has brought up Polygamy that she don’t think she can do that but it is looking like she is not going to be able to have children.I want to tell her my own story with Polygamy but I don’t know how much she knows about my marriage.This is my husbands younger brothers wife I am speaking about.I want to tell her to think about Polygamy with an open mind but I just don’t know how much my brother inlaw has told her.
    Ana u above all people know I wish my Polygamy marriage would have worked out but excowife she was the exact opposite trying everything in her power to get my husband to divorce me.So perplexing to me how she could have been so cold hearted towards her own family(me hubby and the kids).

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2017

    Mari2,

    I totally get how you have had your fill of 2’s drama. It’s just that what she’s doing isn’t uncommon from what most women do who find themselves in a polygamous marriage that they didn’t want. They act out and it doesn’t matter what age they are or how long they’ve been married. It doesn’t matter their educational level or whether they were a born Muslim or revert etc.

    In order for a woman to accept polygamy without all the drama, she has got to know her Islam. She has to learn it. She has to go through trial/test/punishment. It’s a lot that she has to learn and know. It depends on a woman’s disposition as well. Some women adapt to polygamy way easier than others.

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2017

    Mari2,
    M, his family and the part of her family who knew about the situation (that he had another wife-you) intentionally kept it from her to seal the deal. It’s sad they THOUGHT that they had to trap her into the marriage.

    About her having a “choice” in the matter, based on how Pakistani culture is, it didn’t really make a difference because they do arranged marriages. Many of the sons and daughters really don’t have that thing called “choice”.

    If they wanted her to marry him despite him being married to you, how was she to say, no? What mom says goes. Instead of her having the opportunity to do the kicking and screaming before the marriage, she did it after it. She’s doing it now.

    M was the meal ticket for her to come to the US and eventually, Insha Allah, bring the whole tribe. So they intended that marriage to happen come hell or high water.

    Nonetheless, she said yes to marrying him. As you said, she didn’t say yes to polygamy. So, much for “mutual consultation” that “the Believers” do. Allah says the Believers conduct their affairs with “mutual consultation.” Women should know who they are marrying and what they are getting themselves into.

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2017

    I just reread and added more to what I wrote about Joe and Linda because it didn’t make sense LOL. I apologize.

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2017

    Number 4, As Salaamu Alaikum

    It’s nice that you are back. :-)

    If I may, let me expound on what Ummof4 said, which is correct. The third divorce (many know it as the third Talaq – Talaq means divorce) basically finalizes the second divorce. The third one is just a formality. It’ important to note that there was no third marriage.

    It kind of goes like this, for example:

    Joe marries Linda. He then divorces her (her 1st divorce). Linda goes through her period of idaat. Joe takes Linda back again a second time. The marriage doesn’t work out. He wants out of the marriage again. He divorces Linda a second time (It’s the 2nd divorce). They resume the marriage before the end of the Idaat.. Now, Joe wants out of the marriage again, meaning he wants to end the marriage a second time once and for all. He has to say he divorce her, which would be the third time saying it. It’s necessary for him to end the second marriage once and for all, so he has to say for a third time that he divorce her.

    Now, since they’ve been divorced twice, Joe cannot remarry Linda until she marries another man and that man divorces her or dies.

    The same as ummof4, I hope I haven’t confused anyone more. It’s not the easier thing to explain although in our heads we know how it works.

    Anyhow, I’ve put the ayats (verses) from the Quran, below:

    “A divorce is only permissible twice: after that the parties should either hold together on equitable terms or separate with kindness. It is not lawful for you (men) to take back any of your gifts (from your wives) except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah. If ye (judges) do indeed fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah there is no blame on either of them if she give something for her freedom. These are the limits ordained by Allah; so do not transgress them. If any do transgress the limits ordained by Allah such persons wrong (themselves as well as others).” Surah 2, Ayah 229

    “So if a husband divorces his wife (irrevocably) he cannot after that remarry her until after she has married another husband and he has divorced her. In that case there is no blame on either of them if they reunite provided they feel that they can keep the limits ordained by Allah. Such are the limits ordained by Allah which He makes plain to those who understand.” Surah 2, Ayah 230

    It’s so confusing for us because we live in societies that do things differently, especially in the United States. We get married and then separate and finally divorce. In Islam, it’s marriage, divorce and then separation. If the couple resume their marriage before the idaat period is over, they don’t have to go through the whole nikah/walimah thing again.

  • Number4

    April 23, 2017

    Thanks for clarifying ummof4

  • ummof4

    April 23, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    On the subject of divorce,a woman can remarry her ex-husband as long as 3 divorces have not been pronounced. If a woman has been divorced 3 times and has waited 3 iddah periods, then she cannot remarry her ex-husband without her having married another husband and divorced him or he has died, which would make her a widow.
    Hope this sentence is not too confusing.

  • Mari2

    April 23, 2017

    @Gail,

    Awesome to hear from you! Miss you around here.

  • Mari2

    April 23, 2017

    @Ana,
    I was against M not telling 2 about me prior to the marriage. Not because I was against the marriage (though I had some reservations about her being young and sheltered) but because I felt that keeping me a secret until after the fact removed her choice to decide for sure that she was willing to be in a polygamous marriage.

    And yes it is up to M to figure out how to make his marriages work. But my goodness I get exhausted by her drama. And I don’t know about her drama because he tells me inasmuch that I know about it because the drama seems to occur only during my 2 days with him. Like clockwork each Saturday and Sunday, 2 has a dramatic meltdown and M’s phone blows up with calls and messages from 2, his mom and his MIL. I have no idea why she can’t have a meltdown on say…a Wednesday. When it’s her time. Yeah she’s young, but I am beginning to believe she’s a manipulative nutjob. Where she finds such energy for the hyperbole is beyond me.

    It’s gotten so bad, even MIL is fed up.
    Last night at midnight MIL summoned M home to “deal with” 2 because she had an all day tantrum session so dramatic that the landlord came down to ask WTH was going on. The reason behind the tantrum? He left too early to come to my home that morning (7AM?). All day. Crying. Screaming. Threatening to return to Pakistan. ALL.DAY.
    So, on my time he returns home,and again: divorce, divorce, divorce her! M said no. His mom said no. M told her that divorce is not on the table. There was a session of his mom, her mom via phone and him. Her mom told 2 that if she chooses to return to Pakistan and leave M, 2 will never be welcome in her former home there. This is harsh, but how the culture operates there. Her mom told her to buck up and stop making drama. MIL told her to buck up and stop making drama. So M is hopeful that 2 will “calm down” and just “accept things as they are”. Only time will tell. INSHALLAH she will find peace.

  • Number4

    April 23, 2017

    @Amonie,

    I’m just curious, your husband married his other wife again but she hasn’t married another after the divorce? That’s not the way it goes. As I understood the marriage protocol, she would have to marry another im order to remarry the former husband….Sorry if I missed any details but I didn’t see this point and that’s the deen.

  • anabellah

    April 22, 2017

    Maryam,

    I don’t know if you remember Gail’s story completely or not. It was on the older version of the blog. She had given a great amount of detail about it there.

    Frankly, I don’t feel at all sorry for her ex-co. The ex-co was the woman who married the husband first. She had a child already and one on the way when Gail found out that he was still married to her. The ex-co had plotted and planned behind Gail’s back that he would use her for immigration purposes and then dump her. It didn’t turn out the way that they expected.

    I could see Gail’s point in not wanting to hear anything from the ex-co about wanting her kids back. For the longest she wouldn’t even speak with the kids, call to talk with them or try to find out anything about them.

    Now that the kids are near ready to be adults, the ex-co probably sees a way for the kids to facilitate immigration to the States for her. Apparently, she’s still manipulating. A leopard doesn’t change its spots.

  • anabellah

    April 22, 2017

    Gail, hey there,

    I’m so happy to hear from you https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif I think about you a lot. It was very nice of you to check in with us and let us know that you and your family are well. Especially, I’m happy to hear that you are cancer free. It’s good to hear that your husband made out well with his medical issues as well.

    All is good with me. It couldn’t be better. The hubz and I are well and are doing really good. There’s nothing to complain about. Everything is status quo with no new developments. It’s just the regular. We’re preparing for our upcoming vacation for our 15 years wedding anniversary that, Insha Allah, we will take in a couple weeks. I remember that your anniversary is coming up in June.

    It’s good to hear that your real estate ventures are working for you. You certainly have the business mind. You need to be featured in a business magazine for your achievements as a woman. Alhumdulliah!

    Gail, do you think your ex-co is counting on the children to migrate her to the States when they become 18 years old?

    Stay in touch with us, God willing {{{hugs}}}

  • Maryam

    April 22, 2017

    Gail,
    Inshallah u will get great rewards for raising other woman’s children. But please don’t prevent children from communication with their mother. I think that would be very big sin. If they don’t want that is another topic. But they should be given that option. Just because she left them with their father, doesn’t mean she doesn’t love them deeply. Probably she knew she can’t provide them decent life.Only God knows what she went through all this years.

  • Maryam

    April 22, 2017

    Mari2,

    If u don’t mind, did ur H first wive left due to polygamy? Did they have any children together. My heart goes out for women who tried but couldn’t cope with it & had to finish beautiful family unit due to other woman. I also feel very sorry for Gail’s s ex cowive.

  • Gail

    April 22, 2017

    Ana,
    Hey Lady it has been a good long while sense I checked in with you.How r u doing these days? I am not even joking when I say I have been super busy these last several months.Hubby and I are doing perfect as far as r marriage is concerned which has made life go so much more smoothly.
    My Real Estate Investment business is doing amazingly great as well.Hubby and I have been running like crazy the last couple of days to get a deal closed on a 2001 mobile home which we had been looking for this length of mobile home to go on one of our lots for over 6 months.The down side the home is 3 1/2 hours from our lot but everything worked out with the seller and the moving company so we were able to seal the deal today which I am very happy to get done.I have been trying to locate a Real estate equity company in New York so that I can buy another property a few miles from my own property but after looking through public records I have no luck finding a number so I guess I will end up mailing them a letter in hopes I can grab that property as well.I am noticing it’s been easier for me to grab land than mobile homes which has been a huge shocker to me(alot of mobiles are really messed up inside and I am looking nicer mobiles and great prices)
    Nothing much has changed with my kids except they r getting older.My 15 year old passed his drivers test not to long ago and passed it the first time so I was really happy with him(he is my child that never studies and has given me so much grief over the yrs when it came to school)He is going to start helping us in our Real Estate Business full time next year so I am really excited to see him wheeling and dealing lol.
    My excowife tried to contact me as well a few weeks back and that didn’t go well at all.She proceeded to let me know that I stole her life although not sure how she figured that sense she was in the know all along about me and I was not but I knew it was her anger talking because she asked me to giver her back the kids and I told her she could take a flying leap of the nearest cliff.It really angered me that she would dare say that to me after I have raised the kids.The conversation went something like u have raised the kids now I want the kids back.After we had r words she decided to let me know she was engaged to be married although the rumors are she is already married I just told her straight don’t disturb me in the future.It goes deeper but thats the skinny of it basically.
    Oh yeah hubby was in the hospital last month he had to have his gallbladder removed which turned out to be a scary event.We were not going to remove it but the docs would not let him leave without us talking to the surgeon well come to find out his gallbladder was dangerously infected and they flat told us if he left the hospital he would die because his liver enzymes and white cell count were through the roof.So we did the surgery and come to find out his liver had necrosis/Gangrene and to make matters even worse he was allergic to latex and his entire stomach blistered and bubbled up with pockets of fluid which was so gross.He is fine now but it was upsetting at the time.
    I recently went for my cancer checkup and I am still Cancer free and my stomach is not hurting me anymore as well.When it acts up I just pop black cumin seeds for awhile.I need to take them everyday to be truthful I really like them to be honest.Lets see my MIL got her Citizenship and just got her passport so she is really happy now that she is a USA citizen.I guess thats pretty much whats been going on with me.Hope all is going well with u.

  • anabellah

    April 21, 2017

    Mari2,

    I’d say it’s on M to try to make things right between him and his wives. It depends on his faith as to how he’ll deal with her. As her husband, he should seek to guide her Islamically, if he’s capable (again depending on his faith). It depends on her faith as to how receptive she’ll be to anything that he says.

    It’s asking a lot for her to be grateful to Allah for removing her from Pakistan and giving her better living conditions etc. It’s asking a lot of her, M, her family and his – as they’re all steep in culture and apparently only concerned about fulfilling their desires. Those who are ruled by desires and culture etc (everything other than Allah) will have a hard road to travel. Until they get their hearts right with Allah, it’s all downhill with periods of respite for them. It’s not looking good based on what you’ve shared with us.

    The best thing you could do is to continue to learn our religion and try your best to not let them take you down with them. We know Allah tells us that those without faith will lead us astray. Stay strong and try to remove yourself from the drama as best you can. You’ll need to not fall asleep on M either. It doesn’t matter that he’s your husband. Allah let us know that spouses and children can be our enemies. It doesn’t mean they’ll set out to harm us intentionally. They’re our enemies because they don’t serve Allah and they lead us astray. We begin to do things to satisfy them and please them etc to our own detriment. It’s subtle. It’s what shirk is about. It’s the silent enemy.

  • anabellah

    April 21, 2017

    Mari2,

    Thank you much for elaborating. I have a clearer picture now. The way I see it is that what is done is done. She needs to find a way to accept that you and she are married to M. It doesn’t matter who is first or second. You’re both his wives.

    I understand how she could be upset with M for not telling her about you. I don’t know his reason for not telling her. How did it make you feel knowing he didn’t tell her about you, yet she and her family were aware of Rabia?

    I could see how she was probably happy to know that Rabia jumped ship. She thought she’d be the only wife. Then to find out that although Rabia was now gone, he had another (you) whom he didn’t tell her about was probably a huge blow.

    No one can make her forgive and move forward. Each of us are accountable for ourselves.

  • Mari2

    April 21, 2017

    @Ana,
    So in a way I can cut her some slack because she wasn’t aware of my existence prior to marriage. However upon her agreed upon engagement to M she was very well aware that she was being taken on an additional wife. As were her parents. And I realize that she is young, but that didn’t seem to matter one bit to M, his mom,her parents, or herself when she made her original decision. Problem ownership. All these people, including her made a decision. My opinion was excluded. Therefore I don’t see why I should cut her any slack or anyone else for that matter. Boo hoo, her husband didn’t tell her he had yet another wife. But when said husband doesn’t qualify to lift her out of Pakistan financially? Take the papers from the other wife and then show up and complain.

  • Mari2

    April 21, 2017

    @Ana
    I appreciate you explanation and I do get where you are coming from. My annoyance toward 2 and family stems back further than their marriage. Here goes the back story…as you know, M was married to another before me. I was the second. It was during this time that M was married to Rabia and me that he became engaged to 2. While she and her family knew not a whit about my marriage to him they were fully aware that he already had a wife. They, and 2 agreed at that time to proceed with the engagement and 2 and her family were aware from the very start 4 years ago that 2 would be a 2. Then, shortly prior to the marriage, Rabia jumped ship and filed for divorce. Literally he married 2 before the ink dried on the divorce decree. So, because M failed to tell 2 about me (though her parents were aware), 2 is upset at being a 2 even though she entered an engagement knowing she’d be a 2. From the very beginning both 2 and family agreed for her to be a 2. Just not with me. I kept telling M to be honest before the wedding . But he didn’t. So yes,2 didn’t know about me. Her family did. Just like they knew about Rabia.

  • Sarata

    April 17, 2017

    @Faith
    That all sounds so positive Mashallah and you seem to have your priorities in order too. Your husband is a lucky man, let’s hope he realizes so and puts in better effort from now on In’shaa Allāh.
    As Anna said, alhamdulillah for your family and friends too – that’s often a whole other hurdle so to hear they are supporting you to act in accordance with our deen is amazing. May Allah bless them too ameen x

  • anabellah

    April 17, 2017

    Faith,

    Thanks for sharing. It’s a huge help for us all :-)

  • anabellah

    April 17, 2017

    Faith, good for you. You have a good attitude and how nice it is that you have family and friends who encourage you and advise you according to our faith. Alhumdulliah! :-)

  • Faith

    April 17, 2017

    @sarata
    Amin to your prayers. I am not part of their secretive plans anymore . I don’t know what they are trying to hide if they have Done the right thing. I have informed my parents and my siblings and they have all adviced me to accept Allah’s will and seek Allah’s pleasure and I have told some close friends too. I also adviced him to go to a mosque for proper counseling on polygamy cos it seems he is living in denial or he wants to practice polygamy the traditional way not the Islamic way.
    This blog helped me in some ways to be level headed, l have been a silent reader for some months now. That’s why I am sharing my story, to help others too. Also, I have come to realize that at the end, it’s just me, my akhira and my deeds. So why would I let one man mess it up for me

  • Faith

    April 17, 2017

    Thanks Ana for the counsel, what I meant by ‘how a woman could do that to another woman’. Is not that she shouldn’t want to have someone to love her. He actually introduced her to me as a widow (he said after having his baby, she married and her husband died) and I was getting to know her and thinking he may marry her eventually. She was actually playing along too. So every time I met with her, she was acting. Honestly, I am really scared of the both of them now. Especially my hubby, I find it so hard to trust him again, maybe with time.
    Deep down, I know he really wanted to marry her, even if he pretends he didn’t.
    When I found out they were married, he still insisted I kept it a secret and tell no one and I asked him if it would be fair to her especially with her days. The next thing I know, he is renting an apartment for her near my home which he was not planning to tell me. When I asked him about the apartment he said was I not the one that said he should spend days at her place . he even insisted I shouldn’t tell anyone from our home town even my parents and just last week he took her there. He actually told me she also didn’t want the marriage, she didn’t have a choice
    Ana, u are right, everything he is doing he wants to, even if he says otherwise. That’s why I’m trying very hard not to involve myself in their affairs for my peace of mind.

  • Sarata

    April 17, 2017

    @Faith
    I agree with everything Anna wrote, accept it might not be purely selfish reasons he wants you to be friends – I imagine it could be to do with the children? I give him the benefit of the doubt purely based on my own experience being the main reason that my co and I live in the same compound (although we have always been friends so that wasn’t really a big issue despite a few shaytaan related wobbles I had in the early weeks before and after the wedding).

    And he sounds like he’s being a little manipulative if he’s trying to get you to initiate plans he’s already made so it looks like it’s all on you. (And kudos to you for seeing right through it – they’re not as clever as they think they are lol!)
    Let him know that you’ve accepted it now and are ready to move forward, but hat if he really wants to help you with that he needs to be straight up with you about how he sees things going forward so you can all attempt to get on the same page In’shaa Allāh

    It’s nice to hear you’re not dismissing the possibility of some kind of relationship with her – but you’re right in that it’s down to Allāh’s plan not your husband’s.

    You seem so level headed considering what you’re going through right now, I pray Allāh rewards you and eases your trials In’shaa Allāh ameen x
    https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    April 16, 2017

    Faith,

    Furthermore, I think you’re doing the right thing by not letting him push her onto you. If you and she become friends, it will be when and if Allah decrees it to happen. Usually, the husbands want the wives to be friends with one another to make it easier for them (the husbands). It’s a selfish reason.

  • anabellah

    April 16, 2017

    Faith,

    I picked up on one thing that you said, which jutted out at me. You said, ” I guess she suffered a lot bcos of the pregnancy, and he had to do right by her when she came back.” You may want to change the words “had to” to “wanted to.” He didn’t have to marry her. I’m sure he married her because he wanted to. No one held a gun to his head to do it. A man can provide for a woman and help her without being married to her. If he wants to be intimate with her, as well, then it’s best to marry her.

    One other thing you said is that you don’t know how a woman could do that to another woman. What do you mean? You don’t know how she could get married to the man whom she loves and Allah selected for her? He allows polygamy for men, which means there will be women to marry them despite that they have other wives. It’s what we Muslims women need to wrap our head around. Just like you wanted to marry your husband, love him and have children with him. Why shouldn’t she?

  • anabellah

    April 16, 2017

    Faith,

    The whispers of Satan is the biggest problem when it comes to polygamy. Getting Satan out of one’s head is a must. Once a person entertains Satan’s whispers, it’s all over until she gets him under control. The way one controls Satan is by seeking refuge in Allah from him. Remembering Allah is paramount.

    I think you’re doing the right thing by letting your husband call the shots. He knows that he should be “just” in sharing his time with his other wife. I’m sure she has spoken with him about it, as well. He married her, now he needs to do what is right. So often men have more than one wife and expect the wives to make the marriages work. I don’t blame you for letting him figure it out. It’s one thing for him to ask you what he should do. It’s another to expect you to do his bidding. Nonetheless, a wife certainly could help her husband. It sounds to me that he wants you and her to be friends and figure out a schedule etc.

    I agree with you that it will get better for you once they come out of the fantasy stage, stop acting like a dating couple and get down to business with it being a marriage. Marriage take dating to another level. It moves one out of the honeymoon stage quicker.

  • Faith

    April 16, 2017

    Something I noticed again is, he already has his plans, but he tries to get me to initiate it so that if anything comes up he will say after all I suggested it. So I hardly discuss anything really important with him again. I know he wants to start going over to her place to pass the night but he is playing his tricks as usual. Well, he has to come out and tell me that himself and I will patiently wait for whatever he decides. I really want him to share the days so I can deal with it and move on. Also so that they can live the reality of marriage not the boyfriend girlfriend fantasy,where I get to do all the cooking, taking care of the kids,do his laundry, deal with in laws.

  • Faith

    April 16, 2017

    @ sarata. Thanks a lot for ur kind words. They weren’t married then, her Guardian refused him marry her cos they are of different nationality. I guess she suffered a lot bcos of the pregnancy, and he had to do right by her when she came back. I really believe the marriage is recent maybe 2 years cos he just started dropping comments about polygamy around this period. The whispering of shaytan is really horrible, I just pray Almighty Allah makes it easy for me.

  • Sarata

    April 16, 2017

    @Faith
    Asalaamu alaikum
    I’m sorry to hear that you came to polygamy via the lies and deceit route that is so common and painful. May I ask where you, hubby and other wife are all from?
    It sounds like he was married to her already way back when they had the child?

    For what it’s worth, and I certainly don’t condone the lies and sneaking, it sounds like he was possibly trying to break it to you the easiest way he could think of. He doesn’t want you to be separate / secrets – whereas many men keep it that way until they get busted (one way or another.)

    I can understand him thinking that as you are both two smart and likeable women, all he’d need to do was get you to be friends first to soften the blow.
    What men don’t get however, being so different to us, is that even with the best intentions and done the best way – our emotions and extreme feelings can’t be erased so easily.

    Alhamdulillah though I’m happy to read that you have accepted the qadr of Allāh and are trying to work through the painful early stages.
    Maybe explain to him that although him trying to please you now is all well and good, you need a little breathing space to get your head around it all.
    Spend some time connecting with Allāh swt and focus on your self. Getting past your naffs and the whispering of shaytaan at this stage takes strength and sabr – and Allāh is the only one that can aid you in that regard so make plenty of dua.

    Sorry for the huge post lol – I will keep you in my dua and pray Allāh keeps you strong ameen x

  • Faith

    April 16, 2017

    Hubby is trying to get me involved in their plans now, but I am not interested, I think it would be better for my peace of mind if I minded my business. He said he wants us to be very good friends with his wife , like seriously! I told him to backoff after all I was never part of the plan from the beginning. What ever relationship I’ll have with her will not be forced on me by anybody. It takes a lot to deal with this feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, betrayal, anger as it is. I know he loves me, all the lies were just to keep me from being hurt. He is trying to do everything to please me, but the pain is still there.

  • Faith

    April 16, 2017

    I posted about a week ago about being new to polygamy and how this blog has helped me. So here is my story, hubby recently confided In me about having a relationship with L which resulted to a child before we both got married. My marriage is 9 years now. They couldn’t get married because they are from different country and she had to go back to her country. She came back 4 years ago and they became friends again. I was not aware of their relationship. So recently he told me she’s a friend that needed help and I was really trying to accommodate and be nice to her ( she really seems like a nice person). But something told me that there was something fishy going on. I confronted him and he confirmed that she is his wife. I was devastated, they both were playing tricks on me and they took me for a fool. I found this out a month ago. He was trying to get her so close to me so that when I found out about their marriage I would have already been committed to her. I even stumbled upon the apartment he got for her very close to where I stay. Alhamdulilah, Allah has been wonderful, though it is still painful, I have accepted Allah’s plan. Though they are both trying to be nice,, u know, I took it so calmly I guess their conscience is pricking them. I don’t believe anything hubby tells me again bcos he told me so many lies I can’t begin to type here. And for my cowife, I keep wondering how a woman can do that to another woman. Allah knows best.

  • Amonie

    April 15, 2017

    AsSalamualaikum sister’s thank you for your help… I’m going to try out everyone’s advise..https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • anabellah

    April 15, 2017

    Amonie,

    Wait and see if it happens again. Try to stay focused on the here and now. No need to TRY to go into the unforeseen future.

    As Sarata said, polygamy isn’t easy for any woman whether born into a Muslim family or a revert. It takes a lot to get used to as does any marriage. Add another family (wife and children) tied to your marriage is like having siblings, in-laws and friends meddling in your business. It simply makes for added drama.

    @Flower, you’ve got it going on. You’re posting like a professional counselor. You need to open up an office and charge by the hour… You’re good! https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • anabellah

    April 15, 2017

    Hayati,

    What Flower and Sarata said to you was excellent. Flower laid it all out for you nicely and simplistically. As they said to you, no good will come to you from being a secret. There’s nothing that I can think to add, and I can’t say it better than they did. If you have any questions, just ask or share more, if you’d like.

  • Amonie

    April 15, 2017

    What to do when there is verbal or causing trouble tired me? Because this did happen the first time. Just would like to be prepared if it happens again

  • Amonie

    April 15, 2017

    Flower thank you so much for your help..It has helped a lot…I am glad I asked for help

  • Sarata

    April 15, 2017

    @Amonie
    Welcome and congratulations on coming to Islam alhamdulillah
    Polygamy is not easy for many born Muslims, let alone reverts like us for whom it is a completely alien concept at first!
    Go ahead and share your story and concerns – there are many on this blog who are willing to offer advice and support alhamdulillah.

  • Sarata

    April 15, 2017

    @Hayati my post should have said “you shouldn’t be a rumour” not “runout”. I already corrected it once but my spellchecker is stubborn apparently 🙄

  • Sarata

    April 15, 2017

    @Hayati
    Wa alaikum salaam wa ramatullahi wa barakatuh
    From what you wrote it seems that he hasn’t confirmed to his first wife that he has married a second is that right?
    You shouldn’t be a runout – you are his wife and shouldn’t be kept a secret.
    Maybe this is the issue you should address with him first – it will be difficult for him to give you your rights regarding time if he’s also trying to hide your marriage…
    Congratulations on your pregnancy – I imagine the hormones aren’t helping matters much!
    Stay strong x

  • Flower

    April 15, 2017

    Amonie
    Welcome to 411. Good to have you here. I’m going to get straight to the point. Polygamy rule number one, the other woman and her business is non of your business. Doesn’t matter why he married her or if you trust her or not. Shes not your wife and not your problem. You didn’t mention that she was verbally or physically attacking you or causeing trouble so there’s no problem there. Staying out of the other marriage does wonders. It seems your just going through the motions of adjusting to polygamy. Its ok, its normal. Your life will change because the situation has changed, embrace it. Whether the change is for the better or worst depends on where you put your priorities. If you on focus on the other marriage and what’s going on there your life will be one big stress. If you focus on Allah your life will move towards ease and acceptance of the new marriage. It won’t happen over night, but it’s small steps in the right direction. I wouldn’t concentrate on how you’ve been a good wife and stood by him though thick and thin, your still married so polygamy is now part of the ‘thick and thin’ just because he has another wife, doesn’t mean you throw the baby out with the bath water. Its normal to fear the new change as you don’t know where it will lead, you must trust and rely on Allah, the more you do this, the less scared you will feel.

  • Flower

    April 15, 2017

    Hayati wa alaykumu salaam

    Welcome to 411. Its nice to have you here. Similar to what Ana said it’s a bit hard to not judge since we as humans do it all the time Intentionally or unintentionally. Since you want advice we’re going to have to judge the situation. Because your Christian I won’t be too hard on the fact you agreed to be a secret wife, in Islam we dont agree with any wife being a secret. first because there shouldn’t be anything to hide and second because you end up in a very difficult, hurtful situation that’s hard to get out of. You have 3 options and all of them will take patience. You will either have to wait untill your husband comes clean to his other wife, this usally doesn’t happen since its easier for him to keep you a secret and even if he does you will still have a very angry, very upset woman to deal with, time might not be divided equally because he will have to deal with the situation with the other. You could tell the other wife yourself, this WILL NOT go well, so I wouldn’t suggest it, but it is an option. You could go ahead and ask for divorce but since your in saudi and have a child you will face a whole new set of problems that you might not be familiar with or agree with. I’m not sure if the rules of saudi have changed but men have all the rights when it comes to his children, he could legally take sole responsibility/custody and there’s not much you can do about it. So, in short you could loose your child. Since you married for support you might not be able to even provide for the child, I assume you wouldn’t be working because you’d be with the baby. In short, your in a right pickle and if your situation follows the same patten as all the other situations Iv heard of its going to get a lot tougher before it gets easier.

    Polygamy can take long time to get used to, and just because the other wife knows about you doesn’t mean you wont still experience jealously and envy. It comes hand in hand with sharing anything that we love. Accepting that you share a husband and he love his other wife/wives helps a great deal. Acceptance is paramount else you will have negative feelings for the duration of your marriage. This is something we can talk you through and support you with. Knowing the difference between injustice and not getting what you want is also another thing we have to learn. Maybe someone else will be along to give their input. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Amonie

    April 14, 2017

    Ok so I got married to my husband a year ago and a month after he married another woman, I guess to help keep her stay on her dean. Witch I was not very understanding at the time and was just becoming Muslim. Now I no that I am supposed to me there for my fellow sister in all, but there was something about her I didn’t trust. Well a month of them being married passed and she wanted him to leave me but he wouldn’t, so she was pregnant and left him. Time passed he finally gave her a devorce and she was no were to be found. I have been here with him threw thick and thin. Now she came back around with not so good things going on and the child is with children services.she has been homeless and fell off her Dean. Now he feels he needed to marry her again. For the sake of her Dean and the child. Now I have made Dua for her and him. At the same time I don’t feel it was right to jump into things marrying her right away.considering before. He did it, he married her. And I am very hurt.this is someone that wanted me away from the picture before..I no that I have to call on Allah when I am thinking bad things, but this is very hard. I feel like my life is going to change from what I have built with my husband and I am very sceard. I don’t feel right about this at all.

  • Amonie

    April 14, 2017

    I am only a year in converting to Muslim and I have a problem dealing with this poligomy. I need advise..i would like to explain my situation if anyone is willing to help.

  • Hayati

    April 14, 2017

    Asalam Malaikum waramatulahi wa’barakatuh!

    Hello everyone, honestly I just found this site coz I was searching about the topic second wife in Islam ..I really don’t know where to start coz I feel shy to write down my experiences about being a second wife in Islam..btw,I am a Christian woman married to a Saudi man. Honestly,being a second wife is not so easy for me😔 I know for a fact that when I accepted him as my husband he has already a wife and children..he is a good man and also a good provider..well to tell you the truth at first I just married him because I want someone who can support and protect me here coz I am an expat here in saudia..he told me that same thing also..without knowing that one day I will woke up that I am already falling in love with him..as time went on I started to get jealous specially the time that he’s spending with me ..you know when you start to love someone the material things faded because you already have this love for him..one time I told him that it’s better for him to divorce me coz I couldn’t take it anymore😪 That I want to see him happy because even he doesn’t tell me having two wives it’s not so easy for a man..he still assures me that I chose this situation because I know I can manage it..well maybe financially he can but how about the time??the first wife has a small hint only that he has a 2nd wife already but until now he didn’t confirmed it..only he’s mom and sisters knows about me..soon we’re gonna have our own baby..I am almost 30 weeks(Alhamdulilah !)and I don’t know how he can manage that as soon as our little bundle will arrive..I don’t want to stressed myself at the moment,I don’t demand a lot of thing for him I just told him that I only want he’s time for me which is difficult😔 I wait until I give birth coz I’m really planning to let him go if this things will continue..I need your advice sister..please don’t judge me..thanks for reading my letter😊

  • anabellah

    April 14, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All,

    Some of you may have experienced some problems today in logging onto this site. We were experiencing some technical problems that the technicians have resolved. As you can see, we are back up and running. Thank you for your patience and understanding https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • Sarata

    April 14, 2017

    @Maryam

    Asalaamu alaikum I just wanted to say hi. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif
    I’ve just whizzed through this thread to try to get a gist of your story (I used to post here a few years ago when I became polygamous but I’m like a newbie again lol)
    I too am a revert of 9 years alhamdulillah and I’m from the UK.
    Where are you from? Do you live in a Egypt then?

    You seem to be handling your situation well alhamdulillah. The feelings you describe are all completely normal – and to get to share them on here is a blessing.
    My situation was a little different since it was my best friend that became my husbands second wife. And although theoretically I was in favor of it, I still had to battle with my emotions and shaytaan playing with my mind at times.

    Like you, my husband and co share the same culture and which can often make you feel somehow jealous – but allāhu Alam.

    Keep your head up sister – those “urgh he’s lay with another woman” feeling do subside eventually.
    Xx

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2017

    Mari2,

    I’m sorry if I’ve offended you. I don’t mean to come off as having animosity to you. I think it’s my tone and style of speaking. Furthermore, I really need to refrain from commenting and just let people vent, which is very difficult for me as I’m so used to expressing my thoughts. Sometimes people get hurt by it, which I don’t mean to do (most of the time).

    You said your co’s unhappiness should be directed at her husband and not you. I’ve written a post/theme in the past about how wives direct their anger and discontent at the co-wife and not at the husband where it should be. It’s because the wife has love in her heart for the husband. She sleeps with him. She doesn’t have that with a co, which is one reason.

    I express my thoughts about you regarding the co because it seems that although you know she is only 19 or so, it seems you fail to take that into account. The co being 19 is even more reason to understand why she is the way that she is because she was raise in Pakistan as well. It’s not like when I was 19 out in the world dating, and I thought that I was grown. She has lived a life that I would considered sheltered and she’s only been around females all her life. She has no worldly experience or knowledge. She hasn’t an education. I can understand how she is the way that she is. Heck, I mean grown women have been known to act out in polygamous marriages. It’s why I mentioned that you need to cut her some slack. She’s a young girl whose dreams were shattered. She wants no part of a polygamous marriage. I’m sure she wants to live her life with her husband in the States the way that others do – in monogamy.

    I need to back off and know that many times people simply vent here and aren’t looking for answers all the time or advice, especially when the advice is accusatory or involve criticism. People have criticized me and disagreed with me, which hurts, but I take the time to contemplate what they’ve said or revisited it later only to find that it has helped me. Of course, it depends on who is doing the criticizing and and advising. I don’t pay attention to hater raters.

  • anabellah

    April 10, 2017

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s nice you stopped in although you’re super busy. I know what you mean by being busy. I’ve been super busy too, which is why I haven’t been writing or talking here much. I imagine a lot is going on with most of us. It’s always good to hear from you. Thanks for stopping in :-)

  • Mari2

    April 10, 2017

    @Ana,

    Why did I vouch for his second? Go figure..a moment of weakness? Perhaps. Is 2 aware of this? Yes. She was sent the documents and had to submit them at the time of her interview. Was she happy about that? No. But her unhappiness is upon me. Not the husband whom her unhappiness should fall upon.

    Ana..I am not quite sure where your animosity lies towards me. I was obviously up front with 2 re the documents. She knew and accepted yet complained when it was a done deal . At no time have I desired or threatened to send her back.I have past that point where I think he belongs solely to me. All of her foolish behavior is thus. We don’t even live in the same home. So she cannot complain of my treatment of her.

  • ummof4

    April 10, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    I’ve been extremely busy lately. I still am extremely busy. I pray that everyone is doing well.

    Maryam, did I misunderstand what you said? Did you say your husband married his niece? Please clarify this for me.

    By the way, my son-in-law was born when his mother was 54. My last pregnancy was at age 45, although I did have a miscarriage. As long as there is still a menses (and occasionally after) there is a possibility of a pregnancy.

    May Allah grant all of us peace.

  • anabellah

    April 8, 2017

    Maryam,

    I don’t think any age is too old for a woman to have a child. I just thought that if a man specifically stated that he wanted another wife particularly to bear him a child, he’d intend on marrying a younger one to do so as younger women tend to be more fertile.

  • Maryam

    April 8, 2017

    Well Ana it certainly feels that way now. He doesn’t call me at all, but I still will wait what he has to say to this before jumping into conclusions.

    Here they don’t think that it is difficult to have children at that age, it’s from Allah.
    And deep inside I believe she will have children.

    I said something about her age though I remember now, not because children. And he told me like ‘how I, an old man, go married to a young woman.

    I would like to write more but I will not because I will not go that way in thinking about my husband.
    I will wait and see how it goes.

  • anabellah

    April 8, 2017

    I’m sorry. It just seems to me that Mari2 is saying, for instance, I brought you (the co) here (with my signature) and I say when and I say where and I say how. If Mari2’s husband wanted to no longer have anything to do with Mari2, she secured her position in his life with a signature. She could threaten to get the co sent back. The control is obvious. She said her husband wanted to go to Jumah so she (Mari2) figured out and orchestrated for it to happen. Before the co got to the US, mari 2 was saying the co was 2 young to bear a child and needed to focus on getting an education. I’m sorry, but Mari2 needs to back off. No one died and left her boss. She needs to figure out her own life with her husband and leave the co and the husband alone. Those are my thoughts about it.

  • Rosa

    April 7, 2017

    It’s like mari2 owns her co. I would not want to be dependant on another wife. I’d feel like a child. Mari2 you should have let your husband and 2 figure that out. She was probably better off staying in Pakistan amongst family and friends and had visits from her husband but you had to step in and play God. Credit is no joke I would not have signed off to be kept aware of when another wife conceived when she’s due, her appointments prenatal Care costs, whether she delivered naturally or by c section. That’s just really personal stuff. That’s crossing the line and quite INVASIVE. It makes me wonder if her co was yet again not informed of this backhand deal between her husband and mari2. If she did she probably would’ve opted to wait in her homeland and persevere through the separation

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2017

    Mari2,

    My question to you is this, if you don’t mind answering. The way you have explained it, your co is one royal pain in the rear end. She was demanding for material things when she was in Pakistan. She and his mother wanted him to divorce you and it’s nothing new. They wanted it before she arrived in the States. He move his mom out of your home due to difference between you and he went with her etc. etc. Why on earth did you vouch for his other wife to come here to the States, if he couldn’t get her here on his own? Nothing about her and the set up is about Islam other than he and she are “Muslim”. That part, I don’t get. Were you looking for some type of leverage?

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2017

    Mari2,

    Okay. I get it. Thank you for explaining. I just don’t know what the issue is then. Your husband doesn’t want to pay for the insurance, although he frets about finances. So, I assume he simply wants to wing it.

    You signed the “Affidavit of Support” knowing full well what you were signing. So, it’s all settled. You’re responsible for her medical bills etc if your co and her husband can’t pay. He’ll need to reimburse you when and if he can. Until then you have to bear the responsibility because it’s what you signed up for. You said you don’t care whether she gets pregnant or not. Okay. I don’t get what the issue is then. Maybe you need to stop going into the future and let things play itself out.

    If she gets pregnant which is a natural occurrence, then see where it goes. Why fret yourself about it? It’s not as though something got sprung on you suddenly without your knowledge. You sign up for it…

  • Mari2

    April 7, 2017

    @All,

    Please let me clarify if I may. First of all I know that M constantly frets about finances. Constantly. So it would seem prudent to take insurance on 2 so that if anything arises be it pregnancy or whatever, he has some coverage. He doesn’t want to pay for insurance for her because it “costs too much”. My point is that not having insurance is more costly than having something in place.

    And I don’t care about their sex life. That’s her mom’s department. And if they want to have a kid right away great. But having insurance is my business because MY SIGNATURE IS THE ONE ON HER AFFIDAVIT OF SUPPORT. In other words, M may be her husband but I am also legally responsible for her financial support for the next 5 years.

    I didn’t want to co sign the damn thing but M didn’t make enough for him to bring her here on his salary alone as he is also responsible for his mother as well. So she could only get here if I, or someone else co signed. Well no “some one else” came forward, so me it was. So say she has a baby with no insurance and he can’t pay? I am next in line to foot the bill. So I don’t feel remiss in strongly suggesting he pay for some insurance. And I think I have every right to have some say in him providing her with insurance. And M clearly hasn’t done his homework either. He said “if she gets pregnant she can get medicaid.” No she cannot. Nor can she get SNAP either. A US born child can qualify, but not 2. Emergency Medicaid may cover the delivery but not any of the prenatal care prior to that. But the affidavit of support succinctly states that those who sign will be solely,financially responsible and at no time will the person being supported be allowed to access to SNAP or Medicaid.

    I don’t have any baby jealousy regarding if she conceives. He wants kids and that’s fine. I had mine. It was great being a mom, but my kids are adults now and I am at a different point in my life. One where becoming pregnant would not be a favorable option.

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2017

    Tasliyman,

    I think it’s a “no-no” too. Other than involving a physician(s), it should be between a husband and a wife about their plans or desire to have children. It’s a very personal thing. It especially seems out of bounds for a co-wife to get in the business the other wife about when or if she should have children.

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2017

    Maryam,

    Try to not think that your husband married another because you couldn’t conceive. Women who can conceive and have children, some having many children, have husbands who married more wives. You not being able to conceive may simply be a smoke screen that your husband and his family put up.

    It could very well be that your husband used the fact that you can’t now conceive as an easy excuse to marry another which he desired to do regardless of what your and his circumstances were. He didn’t go out and marry a very young woman in hopes of her becoming pregnant with his child. He married a woman of his own nationality, one who is a niece and she’s 43. It would lead me to believe that it was more than you not being able to conceive that made him incline towards having another wife.

    Don’t forget that Allah wrote the script. He determined that your husband would lean that way and take the action that he took. It’s best that you stay focused on that and not on what your husband said his reasons for marrying another was.

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2017

    Maryam, As Salaamu Alaikum

    It does sound that you are going through what most women who become a part of a polygamous marriage goes through. It doesn’t sound that there is anything unusual about what you’re experiencing in terms of your thoughts, even your bodily reaction of nervousness and trembling. Of course, it’s not an absolute. Some people experience a lot more of some of the effects than others. Probably most of it is in the mind as in Satan’s whispers. It’s a biggy. Once you can subdue his whispers and learn not to entertain them, you’re on your way to having peace and tranquility in your life.

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2017

    Serena,

    You’re right. I absolutely know that men will say things to a wife to keep her happy or tell her what she wants to hear, so she won’t be upset. I’ve heard it on this blog from a few women who were pregnant by their husbands at the same time that their co-wives were pregnant. The wives said the husbands didn’t want the other wives children or didn’t want the other wives to get pregnant from the start. I’m like, really? Did they REALLY think the men didn’t want the children with the other wives whom they MARRIED – I don’t mean had on the side – I mean married. The wives should have known that it was a straight up fabrication in hope of making the other wives feel better. It goes back to people wanting to believe what they want to believe, as well.

    I’m with you that there is no way that a medical facility would turn away a woman who shows up there in labor ready to delivered or with some other medical emergency. They may leave with a bill along with the baby, but they will get treated. There is such thing as “charity care” at some of the hospitals.

    Thanks for reminding us about the Mother of Prophet Jesus – how she gave birth :-)

  • Tasliyman

    April 7, 2017

    I know I wouldnt want my husband discussing whether or not we should have another child with his other wife. So I wont have those type of discussions with him about their life.

    He has adult daughters who are married now and having children of their own. I found out once that there was a discussion amongst them about someone else who was pregnant. The one daughter thought it was me and said something like “what is wrong with them”.

    I was actually offended when my husband told me about it. I dont think the daughters realise that I do long to have another child. Although they are about 12 years younger than me I am by no means too old to have another baby.

    I dont think a husband should discuss his baby-making plans with the other wife. I wouldnt want to feel that I need the other wife’s blessing/permission to fall pregnant. It’s a no-no to me.

  • Maryam

    April 7, 2017

    Sorry one more thing :-)
    I do have difficult times, sure you all know this, but maybe for the silent readers. Like now and the past days my hands keep trembling because I’m so nervous. And it is very difficult to face people.

    Today a daughter of friends like to come, and I told her okay, she is nice company, 11 years old, and I take her with me to the market and supermarket otherwise I won’t go and I must eat if I like or not, must make myself feel good about myself.

  • Maryam

    April 7, 2017

    About this children.
    Me not having children myself, Mari2 should feel very blessed when she already has children and should not interfere in her husband wanting to have kids with his second wife, how painful this might be.
    Believe me I know what you feel.
    My husband’s second wife is 43, my first thought was why a woman of 43 years old when he really wants to have children? But I swallowed my words. If Allah wants to give her children then this will happen. I can go sad from this, what will happen, I’m afraid for the moment he will tell me she is pregnant, but it will not change anything.
    And also here in Egypt it is a HUGE deal to have children.
    But it also sometimes makes me angry with my husband, why he puts me through all this, why just not divorce me so the pain will not be so terrible and making me feel sick sometimes so I can move on.
    But it is all from Allah, He puts me through this, so again: trust, trust that this is the best for me.
    I also love my husband and don’t wsnt to miss him.

  • Serena

    April 7, 2017

    Ana as you are probably aware from this blog sometimes men will say things to one wife to keep her happy. How does mari2 know how honest her husband is being with her. Maybe he also wants to have a child with the new wife. He might enjoy his private life with his newly wedded wife but then says things to mari2 so she doesn’t feel anyway about it.

    Also if he discusses private stuff with her whats to say that he doesn’t discuss her with his new wife. There are somw things best left private between the husband and wife. If the husband discusses such things about one wife to another she should make it clear that it’s none of her business.

    Wow I find that hard to believe that if a woman turned up in labour about to deliver at a hospital where mari2 husband is that they would refuse to see her.

    I read in the quran how the mother of Prophet Eesa gave birth. There were no gyno no doctors nothing but Allah helped her. I don’t think mari2 husband would not get care for his wife if she fell pregnant especially with the sort of “pressure” that he gets from her family.

  • Serena

    April 7, 2017

    Salam

    Maryam

    From following this blog and from people I know of in polygamy what you are feeling are normal thoughts that woman get when their husband marries another. Just don’t go in deep thinking mode with those thoughts.

    I hope you and your husband are able to have children one day but I wonder what your husband would do if he finds his new wife can’t have children. Thats actually something that comes to mind when men marry another because one wife could not have kids.

    Obviously you are missing your husband and that feeling also makes you have such thoughts. He must think about you too. Maybe he doesn’t ring sometimes because he knows that you are hurt by gim getting married again and he kind of shuts off them feelings by having less contact with you.

    Sister the mothers of the believers were much better than us yet they were in polygamy. Allah has planned all this so keep up what you are doing with trusting in Allah.

  • Maryam

    April 7, 2017

    I think it has also much to do with having confidence in oneself.
    A good thing to work on and to think about.
    I read a quote which they tell it is said by the Prophet Muhammad (PBuH)

    ‘Richness is not having many possessions, but richness is being content with oneself’

    I think this is very beautiful and we should remember this, or at least I should ;-)
    Not that possessions are important to me but for sure being more content with myself.

  • Maryam

    April 7, 2017

    Thank you Rosa.
    Yes really you all are so helpful. God bless you all.
    Hh I wish their marriage was dusty LOL

    You know it’s good to know that you are not alone in this, that many women are in a polygamous marriage and that many women are being fine.
    For me this also makes it more acceptable and makes me feel like okay why am I that special that something like this would not happen to me.
    A big issue for me is that it is not normal in the way I was brought up.
    When men are not happy with their wives they often go cheat on them and in most cases the marriage ends with all the misery which come with this.
    So this sticks in my head: he got married again so he is not happy with me, i couldn’t give him what he needed or wanted, not meaning kids, but meaning not being beautiful any more, being too skinny, ALL over my body ;-)
    I know it’s not a spontaneous marriage from him when meeting his niece again after many years and I must believe him when he tells me it is because we don’t have children to now, but this is so difficult sometimes.
    Especially when he is not calling, again he didn’t call me also after telling him that it is so good for me to hear his voice, even just for 1 second, then it goes again: see he doesn’t miss you at all. He have this sweet woman now, one from his family, knows all from the Egyptian life, sweet talk in his language, language no problem at all they can talk as they like while most of our talk must be in English, his family happy etc etc etc
    This is what is making me crazy. And that is bad, because it is a kind of jealousy which is not good at all!
    In sha Allah I can do this, I put my trust in Allah so I then I must trust Him, and I do.

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2017

    If Mari2’s co wants to have a baby and Allah grants her one then that is all that matters. Allah will take care of the co and the child. Mari2 needs to leave her husband alone about how he will pay for the medical cost and for the child. Mari2 is using her limited knowledge in addressing the issue. Allah says He will provide. He says He provides from ways we can’t imagine and don’t know. If anything, it is what Mari2 should be telling her husband about the matter.

    The whole thing of co possibly being able to have a child by their husband and Mari2 doesn’t have one has to be a factor that is driving her perspective on the subject. Mari2 recently was pregnant but lost the baby. I’m sorry about that.

    I must say, how would Mari2 have reacted if the co was telling their husband that Mari2 was too old to have a child, shouldn’t have one and that she has grown children that should suffice. I’m sure Mari2 wouldn’t like it and would have told or wanted to tell the co to mind her own friggin business.

    I’m sure Mari2 has some underlying fears about what bearing her co having a child would have on her (Mari2’s) relationship with her husband. I’m sure she not having a child by him causes her concern as well. Fear can be debilitating. All those things could be what’s more important than the husband not having enough money to pay for a child right now. People try to rationalize their thoughts when they don’t want to face the reality of it.

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2017

    I tend to think that it’s a character trait for some people to want to mind other people’s business to the point of being overly involved and obsessed with it. I saw it with Gail when she was with us. We know that she tried to take over her co’s life. I don’t feel I’m saying anything wrong about Gail because she spoke in length for years here with us on this blog about it. I miss her and hope that she is well.

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2017

    Rosa,

    I could imagine how it made you feel when you learned your husband had spoken with your co about you and he trying to have a baby. That is personal stuff. If a woman tells her co, it’s one thing. To learn that the husband is carting one of his wife’s business to another is a whole different story.

    I know how Pakistani women are firsthand from having gone to Hajj with a large group of them. I went with a group of Pakistani via a Pakistani travel agency that specialized in Hajj & Ummrah travel and accommodations. They were all over me about do I have children and why not and why I don’t want any. They made a big deal, I mean a HUGE deal about it. They all had children or were trying to have them. One couple had not been married long and the wife was very upset because her husband said he didn’t want to have any children. I can’t remember if he didn’t want any immediately or in the near future as well. I know that everyone in the group knew that couple’s business because they were all talking about it, and I could tell there was tension between the couple. So, for Pakistani, having children goes hand in hand with getting married. It’s something that is expected of them.

  • Rosa

    April 6, 2017

    Perhaps mari2 is an older sibling and is quite used to controlling situations. Her and her husband once again discussing the other wife’s personal business it raises bright red flags for me as I found out my husband had discussed my second child with co. He told her we were trying. I don’t need another wife in my business like that. I’m a very private person. Husbands I guess get the idea at least once in polygamy that we are one big family which we are and nothing goes unsaid which is not right n quite disrespectful. We are different people with different likes n dislikes and should be treated as such. Maybe mari2 is trying to show her husband the idea of him pro creating with another woman doesn’t bother her hence her making arrangements or giving her two cents into their sex life.
    Yes ana I agree it’s like right after marriage, a few months in the family is looking like what’s up and speculating lol. A baby I think will be good for mari2 co. She will instantly mature and may even become closer to her husband.

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2017

    Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m going to be frank with you, and I hope you don’t take offense. I don’t mean to hurt you with my words. At the same time, I won’t bite my tongue.

    About your husband’s other and her getting pregnant, you stated that your husband said various family members are pressuring him about it. I really don’t see anything wrong with she and her family wanting her to become pregnant and quickly. It’s nothing unusual. There is nothing wrong with it. Especially in certain cultures, it’s a given that a woman will get married and have a family quickly. Of course, in the US it’s entirely different. Women tend to make their intention about when to try to have children. Some want to have them immediately. Some want to have them later, and some don’t want any at all. Although we know that Allah decides when, how, how many and what gender etc, women and men make their intentions. It’s especially quite normal for Pakistani women to get married and try to have children immediately. Again, that’s their business and there is nothing wrong with it.

    I think you fail to really understand and see how you try to control your husband and his other. You have no business trying to figure out what is going on with him and his other. WHEN, how and how many etc children that they have is none of your business. It’s not for you to determine how they will pay for the medical bills associated with her obstetric and gynecology care. If they can’t pay for it, it’s their business unless you want to give them some money to help them out. Even if you give them money, it wouldn’t give you the right to try to control their lives. She is old enough to have sex with her husband and to give birth. She is a grown woman who has a husband. It’s between she and her husband to determine what they do in their lives.

    Even if your husband comes to you wanting to talk to you about his other and her body etc., it’s none of your business. You should TELL HIM such. You wouldn’t want him going to her, telling her about your personal business, so why shouldn’t she receive the same respect and privacy that you would want? I’m saying that you say you aren’t trying to control them, but you are. You’re trying to control everything. Leave them alone….

    I would like others to come forward with their views on the subject and any subject. I don’t have the final word here, nor is my word superior to anyone else.

  • Mari2

    April 6, 2017

    Salam,
    I did ask M “what’s the rush?” And he said the rush was due to family pressure. He and 2 were both being pressured by various family members to create a baby. In the meantime M has no medical insurance for either himself or 2. He’s self employed but has not purchased any form of insurance. I keep telling him that he needs insurance before his wife gets pregnant. I tell him how high the cost of uncomplicated child birth can be here. It’s not like Pakistan where there is no prenatal care then some midwife shows up to your home to deliver. Here in the states if you show up at the hospital with a wife in labor and no insurance or prenatal care on record, you will not be met with any ob gyn’s who want to tackle the delivery.

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2017

    ooops, I meant to say, they’d want her to become pregnant quickly.

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2017

    It wouldn’t surprise me to hear the mother had been eavesdropping at her daughter’s door Lol

    The mother may have asked the daughter if she thinks she’s pregnant yet. They don’t want her to get pregnant quickly.

    The whole family affair (wife/cousin/Niece/mother-in-law/aunt thing freaks me out.

  • Rosa

    April 6, 2017

    I think Mari2’s situation is an example of what has been repeated on this blog quite a bit, how the first marriage flourishes when a second comes along. If there’s any ulterior motive behind the thoughtfulness given, Allah knows. I wonder if the mother in law is listening at 2’s door now. Their culture is boo coo CRAZY. What mom would want to hear their own child having sexual relations with his wife

  • Rosa

    April 6, 2017

    Maryam you are doing so great. Keep pushing through. You are sooo lucky to have come across this blog so early on. I wish I had because I had no clue what to do in the beginning. I had to learn a lot the hard way. I had very tough life lessons to learn. But I find comfort in the fact that I know Allah guided me here when it was best for me. If I came any earlier I might not have been stable enough to register the advise given let alone act on it. So count your blessings. InshaAllah with patience and perseverance the dust will settle and things will start to feel normal. Not trying to say your husbands second marriage is dusty Lol. I’m speaking metaphorically 😂

  • Maryam

    April 6, 2017

    Thank you Ana.

    And also Tasliyman, sorry forget to thank you.

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2017

    Maryam, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You’re doing so well. Keep up the good work, Sis. Try not to let yourself get down. It’s important that you try to fight it.

    Yep, it’s best we don’t ask questions when we know the truth would hurt us. I’m good at not asking those types of questions. It’s when the saying – what you don’t know can’t hurt you – comes in handy. We sometimes think we can handle the truth, but most of the time people can’t.

    I find this blog to be a blessing for us all – like minded people, wanting to serve Allah. It’s. beautiful :-)

  • Maryam

    April 6, 2017

    Salam Serena

    Thank you.
    We did make an agreement about phonecalls.
    I told him that it was maybe better that he calls me because there will be a lot of people visiting them the first days and the days after that he will take her to visit people. Next week a daughter of his sister gets married that’s also a busy time because his sister is a widow so he will take care of many things. It’s how things go in his village.
    But when I told him this he told me you can call me anytime! that is no problem and I also will call you.

    Oh well, these are the first weeks of them being together, it’s all new for him and for sure he wants to do good to her, that’s okay, he is a good man.
    I will see how it goes when the normal life starts.

    I’m very happy I can vent here and be with you all lovely women https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif
    And yes I listen to Quran. There is an excellent channel on tv Quran Hidaya, it’s written in Arabic and English and with many different reciters.

  • Mari2

    April 5, 2017

    @Ana,

    I gave the Friday off to M as he had lamented to me how he hated to miss Jummah. He also complained that there wasn’t enough time in the day to take his mom to the store,etc. I have no idea if 2 gave a hoot about going to Jummah. I know his mother likes to go but can only attend if he does. My intentions were not to help co. My intent was to help M by giving him time to spend at mosque and with his family outside of work. If that benefited co Great. But I wasn’t thinking of her desires. She and I are not friends. We do not communicate. I was thinking of him. And not to make myself look invaluable. I did it because I wanted him to have some respite. He works hard and has helped me many times in the past. What kind of wife would I be if I had this time off and took it for myself alone when I know that his one simple desire was to attend Jummah?

    So by going to the store and working my intentions were misplaced? I was trying to be in charge? What if I didn’t go? What if I left him there and went to Jummah on my own? Did my own thing after even though I knew his desire to attend? What would be my intentions then? Seems like a bit of a conundrum.

  • Serena

    April 5, 2017

    Salam

    Maryam

    Dear sister inshaAllah you will get through this stage. I agree with Tasliyman that don’t suppress your emotions. Have a good cry if you need to.

    Maybe you should have made an agreement about phone calls. Like him calling you once or twice a day. That way he would call you when he is able to talk to you. It’s better than you calling and him not answering because the mind can start thinking negative reasons why no answer.

    Don’t think your not important. Good thing is you realise it’s your mind playing tricks. Listen to some quran or Islamic talks while working or even when you are free. Write down how you feel. One day you will look at it and probably not believe you felt that way.

    It’s all new to you. You’ve had your husband with you every day and now he’s gone so obviously you going to find adjusting to the new situation a bit hard. Ask Allah for help passing your time and with anything that is bothering you.

  • Maryam

    April 5, 2017

    Tasliyman,

    I know. Also if I like I cannot stop my tears, but it gives me a headache.
    It is that I want to do it, but my feelings are not ready yet, these are collasping (free translated from my language ;-) )

    And how stupid I can be. He finally called me after a few hours, so we talked a bit and what did I ask him: are you happy?
    Alhamdulillah he told me.
    I want him to be happy of course, but secretly with me https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif
    No just kidding (that with me) I want him to be happy, really, it is what makes me happy.
    But never ask questions like that when you go through a difficult time ;-)

    1 1/2 week finished, yeah, only 2 1/2 to go in sha Allah.

    Btw I started writing about my it. It is said that it clears your mind, to put your thoughts on paper. To now it feels good, especially when you read it back and it gives me something to do.

  • anabellah

    April 5, 2017

    Tasliyman,

    I questioned it in Mari2’s situation because in the past she spoke about how she has very little time with her husband, yet she gives her Friday off to the co to spend with him. I could see it, if she and the co had a nice relationship with each other, but they clearly don’t. Giving up her day to the co in hopes that it would change the co’s heart towards her would be a huge stretch. You can’t erase two decades of conditioning of Pakistani culture. It’s not as though she’s dealing with someone who is focused on Islam . Allah tells us to investigate and Judge with what He has given us to judge with (the Quran).

  • Tasliyman

    April 5, 2017

    Maryam, I dont think you have to feel bad about having a bad day.

    I am certainly no expert but I dont think your aim should be to constantly suppress your emotions.

    Rather feel it and deal with it. I think the trick is not to dwell on it and stay stuck in the same cycle for months or years. Obviously the best way to deal with any hardship is to turn to Allah.

    May Allah make things easier for you In-sha Allah.

  • Tasliyman

    April 5, 2017

    Ana, I know what you mean by we have to be honest with ourselves about what we do and why we do it.

    That is something that was hard to do but eventually I had to admit that I did do certain things to “look good or irreplaceable”.

    Being part of this blog has brought about this awareness so now I always check my motives when doing something. Unfortunately, I am sometimes still guilty for wanting to look good. Then I will rather cancel the idea. Sometimes I find myself wanting to do something because I honestly think it will help my husband’s other. Most times I cancel that idea too because I dont think I’ve developed that far yet lol.

    So, it may not be relevant to Mari2 but it certainly is a good reminder to me.

    About working together – I am more aware of what it must be like for the other wife because of this blog. I truly believe that just a little consideration for the next person really goes a long way. In my case I dont have to deal with the cousin-wife, pakistani-culture dynamics, which I am sure makes it easier.

  • Maryam

    April 5, 2017

    Bad bad day, painting my kitchen but in the breaks I take. Just needed some positive cheer from you my friends here.
    3 days no phonecalls, last one was Sunday, a very short one after …
    O my, writing this now I see what I thought or felt.
    I was going to write a very short one after 1 week but is was also after 3 days, but it felt like ages https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif

    But okay anyway I sent him a missed call because I need to ask him something. I think okay a missed call so if possible he can go to a quiet place and return my call. Not that I expect him to jump up and call me, but I think he can understand when I call him it is not for nothing.
    Also no big deal, not that important, but pfffff it feels like I’m not that important after all.
    It’s just my mind playing trickes with me. I know, patient patient patient and trust in Allah.
    I must control my mouth if he calls me, not that I am such a bitch hh, but I like him to believe that I’m ok.

    Feeling already better when writing here, but still need some cheer, no heavy talk, I know what I must do, really but sometimes o what a mess a person can be https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif feels sometimes like a nervous breakdown.

  • Sadyah

    April 5, 2017

    Mari2

    Your last post clears a complete picture.May Allah give you reward on your sacrifices of schedule and may Allah give reward to your husband on taking care of his ex-wife .because very few kind hearted people take care of their ex-spouses without any charm.

  • anabellah

    April 4, 2017

    Mari2,

    Sorry for my misunderstanding. Thank you much for your clarification. :-)

  • Mari2

    April 4, 2017

    Ummm…Ana I still only see him on the weekend. I wake Saturday morning, drive to the business and work with him until around 8pm. Then I go home. He leaves around 11pm and gets home around midnight. Then we eat,chat and sleep. Then on Sunday I wake him. He goes in and I follow a couple of hours later. We work. I leave at 8pm and go home to bed. He gets home at midnight and falls asleep. Then we both wake on Monday and I go to my job and he goes to get 2. That’s the extent of time we spend together.
    I had one Friday off since he started his business and I spent it in the store without him there. That’s it. Monday thru Thursday he gets off at 6pm and has the remainder of the evening with his family. He only works the double shift Friday thru Sunday.

    As for waking him,I do so when asked by him. Last Saturday he said he’d set his alarm. Well guess what? He ended up being late and I ended up having to call and wake him after all. He’s always late unless he’s pushed to get up on time. He doesn’t wake easily.

  • anabellah

    April 4, 2017

    Regarding Mari2, it looks as though it’s going to be a continuous uphill battle for her in dealing with those people, based on all that I’ve learned on this blog about their ways. It’s a whole family affair going on with the husband/cousin, and now the co’s brother is involved too. Sigh

    Mari2 is hanging in there and being strong. No one can take that from her.

    One thing I found interesting is that before the co got here to the US, Mari2 had said that she was seeing her husband only on the weekend because of her work schedule conflicting with his. She said she had very little time with him and relished the weekends so they could be together. Now that the co is here, Mari2 seems to have found an awful lot of extra time to be at with him and at his place of business. She has time now to help him with everything including getting him out of bed in the mornings when he’s with his other wife. I’m just saying….

    There could be a “control” thing going on. I mean, Mari2 tells him that she’ll mind the business and let him take his other wife and his mother to spend a day out – go to Jummah, shopping etc or whatever else. Sounds like an orchestration to me. It’s why I say we all need to be honest with ourselves about what we do and why we do it. It sounds to me that Mari2 is trying to make it clear to the other folks that she’s not only here to stay, but she is the head **** in charge. I’m just saying….

  • Serena

    April 4, 2017

    Salam

    Mari2

    Reason I said about controlling their relationship was because of the schedule planning and because you said you offered to work on Friday so that he could go for jumah prayer with 2 and his mum.

    Mari2 in posts about your co I have mentioned she is not all that innocent. I am all too familiar with the way some of these Pakistani woman carry on especially the ones who come here on spouse visa.

    Sister I said in a previous post that these people think that the husband will divorce the first wife. Your co and family are putting a lot of pressure on your husband but alhumdulillah you still seem calm. If they have that goal to get your husband to leave you then they will try all sorts. InshaAllah they won’t harm you but their plans may backfire.

  • Maryam

    April 4, 2017

    @Mari2
    I just read your last posts.
    Wow you have to put up with many.
    Respect for you how you handle it.
    I hope your co will change for the better one day.

  • Maryam

    April 4, 2017

    @Flower and Serena
    Sorry about the hurting me and family was for Serena.

    @Serena
    No ofcourse they have feelings. I will write later in sha Allah to try to explain what I meant.

  • Maryam

    April 4, 2017

    @Flower
    Thank you. Alhamdulillah I am most of the times positive. I accepted the situation as it is, I cannot change my husband wanting to marry another woman. It is from Allah so I must put my trust in Allah.
    You didn’t hurt me, it is difficult but I know she is his wife now and my husband is a good man, he fears Allah, so he will also treat her like his wife.
    It is also that she lives in his city, with his family, she is family and everybody is happy with this, and that makes it hard for me, I’m no part anymore of this life. His sisters told him if he would make me unhappy he would not have sisters anymore, I don’t know if this is true or just nice talk from him to make me feel better.
    I don’t have family here and didn’t want to visit them now because my changing moods, that will do nobody good. They will not understand it now because they think I will be very unhappy. After time, when I’m adjusted to this it’s no problem they know because they see it is okay for me.

    Thank you for your explanation. About the last two or one rakah I also read this on a website which I believe is trustworthy, but somehow I just read it this weekend, I visited the website many times but did never see it. So I thought huh??? how I didn’t see this??

    I guess this situation makes you unsure about yourself. I cannot quite get rid of the feeling that I did something terrible bad to must go through this so I guess you also think you will find those things. In my heart I know it is all from Allah and that he will not burden a soul more than he can bear, but the mind……

  • Sadyah

    April 3, 2017

    Mari2

    Huhh! You are dealing with a lot.may Allah help and protect you from negativity of people ameen.

    I am still on my point that you are doing a good job Masha Allah. Hats off to you. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Mari2

    April 3, 2017

    @All

    I think this is a situation that can arise when marriage is arranged and neither person speaks to the other freely before the marriage, then they go from barely knowing each other to being a couple and trying to figure things out. Then they have familial interference/pressure, a disparity in age and experience, a lack of commonality in thought, and 2 completely different mindsets as to future plans.

  • Mari2

    April 3, 2017

    @Serena
    Also, the older brother of 2 has been particularly nasty to me via social media, before I blocked him. Called me all kinds of terrible names. Told me I was an old hag, a cunt and more wonderful adjectives. And a bit back, M sent some money to the wife he is divorced from. She was in a pinch financially and has many health issues and she and M do still communicate regularly. I have zero problem with that, but 2 found out and her bro also sent vile texts to the ex wife as well. Both she and I complained to M and he said “Just leave it. Block him.” But this is an example of how her/his family operates.

  • Mari2

    April 3, 2017

    @Ana,
    When he left 2 to go back the store, he left her to return to the business. Not to me. I left when he returned and went home alone where I remained alone until it was officially my time with him. I didn’t linger there with him. I had things to do so I told him “See you in the morning” and went home. I know that he returned alone because he desired some alone time. He doesn’t get that with her. She is literally with him every waking moment on her days with him.

    @Serena
    Why do you think I desire to control their relationship? I certainly think that I give them plenty of space. I don’t question him as to what they do or anything like that. I don’t phone him except when something important arises. We text here and there, less so than she does on her 2 days away from him, and I ask him no questions about what they do together. And M has been really good about not complaining about her to me, but some things are obvious without him having to say a word.

    And I try to defend her actions when I can. But when she was in Pakistan she often sent him argumentative texts for years complaining. She constantly wanted to know where he was. She would flip out if he didn’t respond to a text or call within minutes. And that behavior has continued here. Likewise her mother is also deeply involved sending M texts to complain about how he is treating 2. Her mother actually called M on Sunday to tell him that he wasn’t having enough sex with her daughter. Ewww…who does that? He was furious. I hardly think I am the one trying to control the relationship. I am not calling his family members to complain about him. I am not telling his relations what a poor husband he is. My mom is certainly NOT butting into our sex life.

    The store has a security camera system that allows the manager (which is M) to go back to certain dates/times and look at the film. 2 told M to show her how to do that because she wanted to be able to observe our interactions during the weekend. That’s creepy. Why would she want to do that? She may be young, newish relationship, was lied to by her family etc, but none of that has to do with me.

  • Flower

    April 3, 2017

    Maryam

    I just realised you said you learned at al azhar. I have some friends and relatives over there and they said it’s a trustworthy place toearn from. So you should be fine sis. Its probably just shaytaan messing with you. I’m guessing you’ve been upping the amount of ibadah you do and the devil’s dont like it, they’re trying to make you stop. Dont listen, continue to pray as you have been.

  • Flower

    April 3, 2017

    Maryam

    I hope you dont mind Ana if I try to help maryam as it’s not polygamy related.

    Iv learned that there are more than two tashahood, but both are acceptable/allowed. Also with saying the basmala (bismiallah hir rahmanir rahim) you can say it or not. It’s to do with two different schools/scholars. Our prophet was seen to pray in different ways HOWEVER there is a minimum to make a prayer valid.this is how I pray

    I make the intention to pray for the reward from Allah ONLY.
    I raise my hands to my ears lobes while saying Allahu akbar to open my prayer (its called the rafiadain)

    I recite a dua (optional)and then seek refuge.

    I recite the basmallah and fatihah And another ayah.

    I go into ruku and remain still for the duration of saying subhanallah (I do this in between each action)

    I stand back up.

    Go into sujood (prostration) twice

    Stand and recite fatihah and another (short)ayah

    Ruku, stand, two prostrations and sit for 1st tashahudd.

    Same for next two rakah but I only recite fatihah in those.

    Sit for last tashahudd and dua and close the prayer (saying assalamu alaykum while facing right and then left)

    That’s how I was taught and what I know to be true. Some are taught and pray other ways but it’s still a valid pray. It can be confusing (because of different schools) but if you’ve been taught to pray by a trustworthy person then continue to pray that way.

  • Serena

    April 3, 2017

    Maryam

    Woman have feelings whether born muslima or not so I don’t think that really matters. What does matter is that as a muslim when we get evil whisperings we need to seek refuge with Allah. Born muslim or not people will always have views and opinions about polygamy. It’s about how much Islamic understanding and guidance we have to accept it.

    Maryam hope Allah makes it easy for you while your husband is away. InshaAllah the time will soon pass and he will be back. In thw the meantime could you not stay with family? When you wake up and get them feelings about him spending the night with another woman remember to you she maybe just another woman but to him it’s his wife just like you are. Sorry I don’t mean to hurt you in anyway so sister when you get them thoughts raise your hands to Allah and ask Him to help you.

  • Flower

    April 3, 2017

    Hey everyone. Hope all you lovely ladies are doing well.

    Sarata
    Sorry for late reply. I’m so happy your son recovered well and you family is coming along nicely. I have two small children so I know all about the tantrums lol, patience is key with these little humans.

    @all in mari2 polygamous marriage I dont think any woman can afford to constantly consider the other wife, especially in the beginning stages. You have to stay on the ball lest you get caught slipping and end up an emotional wreck. Mari2 was strictly against the lying to the other wife but no one took notice and continued with the lies. Mari2 you are doing so well and I think any woman in your position (having been informed and given time to digest it and have input in regards to the schedule etc) would have done the same. We think of how to make things better or easier for ourselves. I came up with the schedule of 3 nights each even though my co wanted one night each. Husband put the ball in my court and I played it to help ME. The co behaviour is quite normal (acting out) I think. It’s probably more shocking because 2nd wives dont usally act up to that extent, but bearing in mind it would be similar if a 1st wife discovered a secret marriage and if the 2nd wife 2as to give account of the 1st behaviour I dare say it would be the same. I wouldn’t go as far as to say shes a control freak or narcissist, It’s more childish and being in the late teens is practically still a child. It doesnt help that her elders, since they too are pakistani are known for childish behaviour and not taking responsibility (always someone else’s fault, cutting ties, silent treatment ect)

    Maryam

    Like how Ana said, you didn’t know and now you do. Thats good. You may have watched a video where they have included sunnah acts (like washing the ears in wudu) if your still unsure if the ibadah that your doing is correct you could visit a masjid and ask for some advice. You’re doing really well sis, you have such a positive attitude. Keep it up. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    Husband is back within the next week. I’m getting very nervous and the anxiety is getting to me. He will spend the first nights with me as scheduled then he’ll be off to co, and this is where the anxiety kicks in.

  • Serena

    April 3, 2017

    Salam

    After reading the posts below I do feel sorry for mari2 co but only to a certain extent. Ana has it right about Pakistani and not accepting polygamy. Most tend to think there was something wrong with the existing wife that’s why the man got another wife. They also think somewhere along the way he will divorce the first wife.

    Even though mari2 co is young and new to marriage etc I am sure she is not all that naive nor is her situation unique. I understand she has a lot to deal with as well as polygamy. It is the husband who should try to help her adjust to her new situation but the new wife should stop playing silly childish games in an attempt to stop his contact and communication with mari2.

    I think it’s about appreciating what Allah has given and not wanting more and more. It’s about knowing your place as a husband or wife. Mari2 husband needs to stop telling mari2 the problems he has with the other and she needs to stop listening to him complain about her. Would he come to mari2 and tell her that he had a wonderful night with his new wife and that he really enjoyed his time with her?

    Mari2 are you trying to control their relationship and time spent together? You and your husband decided how to divide his time between wives. Isn’t that a bit unfair that the new wife was left out of the decision making? You seem to know his schedule etc. Does she know when to expect her husband home from work when he leaves for work?

    Allah knows our intentions and they need to be pure not with a twist to hurt the co wife.

  • Maryam

    April 3, 2017

    Thank you Ana.

    Feel free not to post this, because it is off-topic.

    It is totally clouded in my head right now.

    Maybe also not a good thing to do to watch these videos, you don’t know they are good or not.
    But I see two different types of shahada in the prayers.
    One is ‘…….. wa ashadoo ana Muhammadar rasuoolullah’
    and one ‘ ……. wa ashadoo ana Muammadan abduhu wa rasuluu’
    This morning I also did asked the person who uploaded the video about this.

    And sometimes after the first rakat they say ‘Bismillah irrahman irrahim’ before reciting and sometimes they don’t.

    I learned most of Amman Siddiqi, his videos are very clear.

    I always watch Friday prayer on tv, I will watch closely next Friday, I cannot believe I did it wrong. I live in Egypt, I mean this must be right not? because it is from Al-Azhar?
    It’s making me afraid, like I prayed all this time for nothing.

    My head https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif
    I will go paint my kitchen today and the next days, something I wanted to do a long long time. Good to get this of my to-do list for these weeks https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

  • anabellah

    April 3, 2017

    Maryam,

    You didn’t know. Now you do, so do it right and ask Allah to forgive you for having done it wrong in the past. Allah is an Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful God.

  • Maryam

    April 3, 2017

    I’m afraid I have a problem and I don’t know who to turn to now my husband is not here.

    Yesterday I searched on youtube to learn dua, and then I also saw videos about doing prayer and wudu and ghusl.
    So opening some of these videos I see I did some things wrong, how bad is this?
    Not intentionally, I didn’t know and my husband also didn’t tell me something so I always assumed I was doing it good.

    Too much time to think I guess https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • Maryam

    April 3, 2017

    About the 2nd wife.
    I also don’t have hard feelings towards her. I can’t blame her for wanting love and a family life. Sisters of my husband asked her, and then asked my husband. She is their niece.
    I mean she didn’t seduce him or did want to take my husband away from me.
    But to now I cannot call her co.
    My husband asked me not to mix his lives to make it not more difficult for me. I agree, but to some point. He is part of my life it is strange to know nothing about it. So I told him if I ask you something it’s okay to tell me, I will not ask for details and never about the bedroom, my imagination is lively enough unfortunately haha.

    To now that is the most difficult part for me. When I wake up early and not finding him beside me and knowing he just sleeps beside another woman. I feel sick to my stomach.
    But okay it is almost like you have an appointment with the dentist and you tell yourself ‘terrible but it has to be done, only a few hours and it is behind me’ In this case its is only a few weeks https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    I was wondering about the women here on the blog. Did they convert to Islam or are they born muslim.
    Not that it would be easy for a moslima to be in a polygamous marriage, I don’t mean that. Just wondering if their is a difference in experiencing a polygamous marriage.
    Like for me’ I’m about 9 years moslima now and I have to let go of many ‘old’ ideas, things that were normal for me.

  • anabellah

    April 2, 2017

    The bottom line is, the other is a young teenaged girl with no life experience who is new to marriage and on top of it was thrust into a polygamous marriage unknowingly. Darn tooten, she’s acting out. Who wouldn’t? what?

    Regarding the incident, she spent a nice day out with her husband and maybe when they got home she wanted to relax with him and get her freak on. I’d imagine she was peed off that he left her to be with his other wife.

    Rosa, I think you may be right that she has no role model or anyone to talk to who knows what she’s going through.

  • Rosa

    April 2, 2017

    I can definitely relate to mari2 co when it comes to not being able to get enough of your husband as I was a teenager and virgin when I married. It’s like once u get some u want more lol. Since her co was separated from her husband soon after the marriage and has only been in the US a month I consider her a newlywed and in honeymoon stage. Her hormones are probably all over the place. Let the girl be

  • Rosa

    April 2, 2017

    Yeah ana I’m trying to figure out where mari2 co fits in. Everything is foreign to her. I wonder if she can even speak fluent English not just broken up English she’s probably not being understood and don’t know how to express herself in an upright manner. She’s still a girl. Is there anyone to show her the ropes. I mean her husband should start her off with a small job at the office printing paperwork or something make her feel needed and valuable to him not just some irritating nag waiting for him to come to her. I’m sure the girl is completely embarrassed of her behaviour and then to have mari2 and her husband discussing her like some out of control freak excuse my French. Anyone in her shoes would be appalled. Then on top of all this it seems mari2 is always right on time to save the day bringing breakfast in bed or calling and waking him when he coincidentally overslept. Putting myself in the co’s shoes I would feel terrible and unloved. Those five days mari2 decided to give her is not five days at all. It’s a few hours after midnight after her husband is beat. Then like sadya said mari2 has the weekends when he’s well rested and has time to go out during the day. Mari2 not trying to offend but you sound like a very intelligent clever woman and has every single thing thought out with not much regard for your co. If you think you are doing her a favour then why don’t u take the weeknights

  • anabellah

    April 2, 2017

    Sadyah, after giving more thought to your and Rosa’s posts about Mari2 husband’s other, I kind of get a better idea of what she must be feeling. I forgot that she wasn’t advised that her husband was already married until after she married him. She is his cousin, so many of her family members kept her in the dark about his marital status.

    I certainly can see how she is having a difficult time adjusting as polygamy is no joke. She came from a country in which polygamy is not accepted (Pakistani people don’t accept polygamy) and she is now in a foreign country in which it’s not accepted. She probably does feel that her husband has ruined her life, as she didn’t get to experience marriage the way that her peers did.

    As I stated previously, Mari2 has an advantage over the other based on her age, having been in a polygamous marriage before with her husband before he divorce the other wife and having access to this blog. Her co is only in her late teens, if I’m not mistaken. She probably has an ideal view of what marriage is. Let’s not forget she was a virgin to begin with too. She probably does want to be with her husband all the time. I get it.

    It good for us all to remind one another how difficult living this lifestyle is. It takes transitioning from one lifestyle to another. I see it as a process.

  • anabellah

    April 2, 2017

    Sadyah,

    By the way, I’m still laughing about your post regarding the late thread for April https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif

    Sadyah, the commentators on this blog from the earlier days (posts that aren’t here any longer from before August 2014, taught me soooo much. We need to here from wives who married in the order of 2nd, 3rd and 4th, so that we can get an understanding of what they go through, have gone through or are going through. I can’t say it enough about how important that they fight the good fight too and let their voices be heard. We can’t expect others to fight our battles for us, and we certainly can’t expect a man to do it.

    As a wife who married first, it was nice of you to speak up for wives who married in the order of 2nd, 3rd and 4th. I thank Umm of2 and Tasyliman as well. I believe we can include Sis Rosa, as well.

  • anabellah

    April 2, 2017

    Faith, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    I’m happy you’ve joined our discussion. It’s nice to hear that you’ve been with us for some time now.

    Insha Allah, we’ll try to help you as best we can. You’re among friends. We understand and know how difficult it is to adapt to a polygamous lifestyle. You are definitely not alone.

    As you’ve noted, it’s doable and there are mega rewards to be had in living it if we do all that we do seeking the good pleasure of Allah. You’re bound to come out a happier, wiser Muslima with so much joy and contentment in your life. Stay strong and keep the Faith.

    I look forward to reading your story.

  • anabellah

    April 2, 2017

    Serena, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Thank you much for welcoming Faith to our group https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    April 2, 2017

    Sadyah,

    Oh, my goodness. I can’t believe I totally forgot about the thread for April until you mentioned it. I can’t believe it. I’m so busy doing my taxes for the businesses that preparing a blog post for April totally slipped my mind. Thank you sooooo much for reminding me. LOL I’ll get on that right now, Insha Allah.

  • Sadyah

    April 2, 2017

    By the way,where is another thread of aprilhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Sadyah

    April 2, 2017

    And yeah the forth point,

    4. The time, sister mari2’s cowife gets, is not just for her and her husband…his family is there to share the time as well.

    Although these points are not enough to accept such crazy things like hiding cheque book but a husband should be patient, understanding,loving ,caring.May be he is.who knows

  • Sadyah

    April 2, 2017

    Before this group,I always thought about the pain of first wives but now,I am so happy that I am able to think about second ,third,forth wives emotions too.JazakAllah Ana,ummof2 ,tasliyman

  • Sadyah

    April 2, 2017

    I wish husbands should give respect to their wives by not telling other wives about their life issues that what happened in their bedrooms or in their other homes.of course this is very difficult but some husbands do this like ummof4( she doesn’t know the reason of her husband that why he divorced his first ex-wife ). In fact I myself don’t know that why my husband divorced his ex-wife( 3 years before my marriage took place).he gives respect to his previous personal life and me too

  • Sadyah

    April 2, 2017

    Assalam o alaikum,

    If I am right then I feel very sorry for sister mari2’s cowife (although sister Mari2 is doing a great
    Job. hats off for her).what her cowife gets yet…

    1. everyone lied to her that her husband was single, including her husband and this is probably the point that she says he has ruined her life(in fact they all did bad by not giving her right to accept or reject the proposal).

    2. She gets nothing but a too tired sleepy husband at midnight till the morning for five working days and no weekend for her as of course sister mari2 needs her time too.

    3. She doesn’t have a support group like this Masha Allah but a company of people who probably tell her that don’t worry her husband will leave mari2(as mari2’s husband told her once that everyone asked him to leave mari2)

  • Rosa

    April 2, 2017

    Mari2. May Allah guide your cowife on the right path and save her from the whispers of shaitan. She seems like she doesn’t know her place. Although she’s been married for awhile she never got a chance to go through that honeymoon phase since she was separated from her husband so soon after the marriage. I think most women go through that clingy and not having enough of their husband at first and viceversa the husband not getting enough of his new wife but it seems kinda one sided there. So she’s been in the US a month? New country. Probably has no social life or friends. If I was her I’d feel like an outsider. Both your husband and then you work together day in and day out, have history probably finishing each other’s sentences lol. Perhaps that loneliness is driving her insane. But nothing gives her a reason to put her paws on anyone. It seems you had the upper hand. You was able to make a decision whether you were willing to be in a polygamous marriage or not. You knew of her the entire time. But she didn’t know about you. Was lied to the entire time until after she said I do. In what world is that right.

  • Serena

    April 2, 2017

    Walaikum asalam Faith

    Welcome

    Post your story when you feel ready. Alhumdulillah the blog has been helpful. I too was a silwnt reader and the blog has and is stil helping me. I can relate to most of the stuff that the sisters post on here. Sometimes I maybe going through something and another sister posts something similar so tbe the advice given benefits me too.

    Faith it may seem like a dark period now but inshaAllah you will get through it and see the light.

  • Serena

    April 2, 2017

    Salam

    Mari2

    You sound too kind and calm about your situation so don’t think you caused the problem between your husband and his other. His other is just being silly. She should appreciate the time she spends with him. Like Ana said she is going to chase him away.

    Some of these Pakistani woman think they have done the man a huge favour by marrying him. They are control freaks. They can’t differentiate between the tv dramas and real life. They think they are the real living version of the tv drama.

    Hope Allah sets her straight for her own sake. She might just get a rude awakening. Mari2 I like reading your posts and how you deal with situations. may Allah keep you strong and protect you always.

  • Faith

    April 2, 2017

    Salam. I’ve been a silent reader for some months now and I am very grateful to Allah I stumbled on this blog. U ar all doing a great job cos all ur counseling and advices have really been helping me through this dark period of my life. I have hope that all is going to be well cos I can see women that came out strongerfrom a situation similar to what I am going through. I am new to polygamy and I hope to post my story soon.

  • anabellah

    April 1, 2017

    Mari2,

    Wow, that was really crazy stuff that went on. She had a lot of audacity to hit him. I don’t know how some women feel comfortable hitting a man. I never hit one in my life, nor thought about it. My husband said if I ever feel froggy and jump, I better be prepared to get it back. He said it in response to me telling him stories based on what I encountered in my work when I was out in the work force. He didn’t need to tell me that. My mother didn’t raise a fool. I know better. LOL

    Anyhow, just leave her and him be with their situation. You did good in letting him tell you what happened without you inquiring. Most men don’t like to be questioned. She’s only digging a hole for herself. Patience only goes but so far. She may find herself back in Pakistan, if she doesn’t straighten up and fly right. Men don’t like nagging, pestering women. She’ll only chase him away from her with that behavior.

  • Mari2

    April 1, 2017

    Ana,
    Thank you but I fear that in doing so yesterday I caused problems between M and 2. After Jummah and the day out, M returned 2 and his mom at home and returned to the store alone. I asked him where 2 was and he told me he told her to stay at home,though she wanted to come with him. I get that he needed a break as she insists on being with him ALL day and ALL night. That’s a lot of together time. I mean, I love M but not 24/7 togetherness. I left the store around 6 and came home.

    He left the store at 11PM after chatting with the night shift workers. He got home to her close to midnight. She was angry that he had not answered her constant phone calls (he needed a break) and she accused him of being with me and kept pulling his hair and slapping him and told him “I am not going to let you sleep tonight.” He wasn’t with me,and he was bone tired and she kept slapping him and crying that he ruined her life. My goodness the girl has a flair for the melodrama. M,who is the most patient man in the world told me that after she wouldn’t stop pulling his hair and beard and slapping him, that he grabbed her by the pony tail and pulled her out of their room and left her with his mom and went to bed. I was stunned that he lost his cool like that not to mention stunned by her behavior too.

    This has all of course led to cross world family drama…his mom, 2s aunt was immediately on the phone with her bro to complain about 2. Then in the meantime 2s mom was blowing up M’s phone telling him he ruined her daughter’s life and threatening to sever family relations. Ah…the twisted world of intermarriage in Pakistan. Then 2 topped off the whole bizarre situation by claiming she was only “kidding” when she repeatedly smacked him, and pulled his hair and cried hysterically about how he destroyed her life.

    I was unfortunately in an abusive relationship once and her behavior just keeps raising flags with me. The clinginess, the need to know where he is at all times, the constant intrusion into his conversations with others, the dramatic proclamations designed to make her look like a victim, the guilt trips, the controlling behavior like removing his SIM card and cutting of his ability to converse with others. Now we have actual physical abuse follow by I was only “kidding” as her explaination.

    And this morning M overslept and was late because she made sure to turn off the alarm clock and not bother to wake him though she was awake. Luckily, though at 430 my neighbors dog decided to go crazy and since I was awake I decided to show up early and surprise M with a hot breakfast and let the night shift go a bit early. Then M didn’t come at his regular time so I called and managed to wake him. When he finally arrived he seemed really off and I thought he was angry at me for some reason . He was there for 2 hours before he finally told me what happened.

  • anabellah

    April 1, 2017

    Mari2,

    It was very nice of you to volunteer to work so that he, his mom and his other/cousin could go to Jummah prayer and have a day out. I pray Allah is well pleased with you for your sacrifice. :-)

    About your co-worker, you know enough to seek refuge with Allah from her whispers. What does she know about our way of life? Just don’t let what she said play out in your mind. Just keep it moving… Stay focused.

  • anabellah

    April 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace polygamy 411 April 2017 discussions

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for April 2017. We thank you all for being here. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussions. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the March 2017 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is:Polygamy 411 March 2017 Discussions

    polygamy 411 April 2017 Discussions