Polygamy 411 August 2016 Discussions

polygamy 411 August 2016 discussions

Welcome to our polygamy 411 August 2016 discussions. The polygamy 411 blog and support group is for all who have a positive interest in polygamy. We invite all to join us here to talk about the subject. Feel free to discuss how it relates to you.

Our blog is not about how well anyone writes. It is not about punctuation, spelling, grammar, correct or incorrect English, or any of those things. Writing skills do not matter to us here. We urge all to express themselves in a way that is easy for them. We allow our writers to use symbols, as well.

When reading the polygamy 411 August 2016 discussions, please be mindful that we are global

Please remember that people from all around the globe are here with us. For many, English is their second language. It’s amazingly awesome that they write here. We only need to know how difficult it was and is to learn our own language to know what it takes for people to learn a foreign one.

I’m fascinated by the readers and the writers here. I admire anyone who can speak or read a foreign language. I’m grateful for all the wonderful people who come to this blog. I thank Allah for it and for them.

I am so delighted to have you all join our polygamy 411 August 2016 discussions

With a few exceptions, we welcome all on the planet to our home. We will not accept anyone who is against polygamy. We will not allow anyone to come here to ask people to hate it. This is not a blog for those who reject polygamy as a way of life. For those whom we welcome, please share with us as much as you would like to share. Share what you are comfortable in sharing. We’d like to know your thoughts on what you read here, as well.

Most people feel uneasy when they write on a blog for the first time. I remember the first time that I wrote on one. It felt strange. I felt as though people knew who I was. Today, many know who I am. It’s okay. In fact, there is a kind of freedom in being known. Let loose. Don’t worry so much about what others think of you. Be you. There is only one of you.

If you’ve missed reading any of the July 2016 discussions or would like to refresh your memory, the link to the thread is:

Polygamy 411 July 2016 Discussions

polygamy 411 August 2016 discussions


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422 Comments

  • anabellah

    September 30, 2016

    Kunle Ahmed, Welcome!

    We’d love to have you join our discussion group. It would be best for you to join us over on October discussions thread once it’s posted. It will be nice to get a new perspective on the topic of Islamic polygamy and expand our horizon. So, please just jump on in and let us know what your position and thoughts are. We’d love to talk with you. :-)

  • Kunle Ahmed

    September 30, 2016

    I love to be a member of this discusssion group. I am an advocate of Islamic polygamy over keeping concubines and enjoying adultery.

  • anabellah

    September 1, 2016

    This thread is now May 2016 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All,

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the August 2016 discussions and welcome in September 2016.

    Please join us at https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-September-2016-discussions/

    August 2016 discussions

  • anabellah

    August 31, 2016

    I made a correction to the last post. I had said marriages that are with a contract only and not legal are considered marriage by society. I meant to put they are NOT.

  • anabellah

    August 31, 2016

    shukarina,

    About whether you should marry him legally, it’s up to you and him. Some people prefer not to have a legal marriage license. Some prefer to have one. I prefer to have one (it’s my contract with my husband). Everyone is different and do what is best for them. I, personally, wouldn’t give up my legal marriage license for another woman. I’m generous, but not that generous.

    About polygamy being illegal, I can only speak of what I know in the US. As long as a person doesn’t have more than one formal, legally, registered marriage license he has nothing to worry about. The personal contract that he and the other wife/wives have is/are just that – personal contract between them for themselves that is not enforceable in a court of law. The other marriage(s) are not considered marriages by society.

    There is something called “Freedom of Religion” in the United States. It’s why there is no laws on the book that prevent polygamy although polygamy is not lawful. When have you ever heard of anyone being arrested in the US for a charge of polygamy. Now, civilly, it’s a different story. A wife could seek a divorce on grounds that her husband is polygamous because it’s considered adultery since the other marriage(s) isn’t recognized as such. With non-citizens of the US, it a whole different ballgame, as they could be deported for being polygamous. I just gave you that in a nutshell. I don’t know the laws in the UK. It would be in your best interest to research it.

    It very admirable of you to want your husband to have children, even if it means that he will need to become polygamous to do so. Based on what I know, if you don’t stand in his way seeking the good pleasure of Allah and being mindful of Allah, you may find that your husband loves you more than life itself (but hopefully not more than he loves Allah) for being SELFLESS. You may find your life improves and you receive barakats (blessings) from Allah. It’s a beautiful and pure reason for your husband to become polygamous in my book :-)

  • anabellah

    August 31, 2016

    shukarina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome! :-)

    You are in the right place to introduce yourself. Insha Allah, we’ll begin a new discussion thread on the blog for September after midnight Eastern time,and we’ll all talk over there then. I apologize for taking so long to reply to you. I haven’t been on the computer much and typing on the phone is tedious.

    It’s nice to hear you have found happiness in your life with a new husband. You said that your husband stated,”he doubts he would ever get same kind of connection with any other woman even if he would remarry but I’m sometimes thinking how could he be so sure.” At least you know that you can’t be sure and he didn’t say that he wouldn’t. He said that he doubts. So, it’s good you’re both being realistic. No one knows how they will feel about another, as Allah controls the heart.

    There is a good likelihood that your husband may love the other woman whom he marries in the future. It’s best that you try to come to terms with it because he should love her. She may very well want the same things that you want. Most women want a husband who will love her, be kind to her, take care of her financially and try to keep her safe etc.

    A problem that many women in polygamous marriages have is in thinking that another wife is just for sex or to produce babies. They think the husbands shouldn’t fall in love with or love and care for the other women. The woman who thinks that way should ask herself why the other woman should be any different than she is.

    He says he may never leave you, no matter what. He doesn’t know that for a fact because Allah decides; your husband doesn’t. Allah could remove the love that your husband has for you from his heart and he may not be able t stomach the sight of you. He then may leave you. I just gave you an extreme example, but it’s possible. No one can predict the future. They could make their intentions and that’s about the size of it.

    To be continued…

  • Karima

    August 31, 2016

    ummof2 I’m happy all is ok alhamdulellah

     

  • Karima

    August 31, 2016

    Great advice Jasmina and Mrcollies!!!

  • Umm of2

    August 31, 2016

    Thank you concerned. Period came today wheeew. I was thinking the worst as well. PCOS, fibroids, ovarian cysts  to name a few. They say whatever u do don’t go on google and that’s what I did and it scared me for a moment. 

  • Concerned

    August 31, 2016

    Ummof2

    Dont worry bout ur periods. I was regularly  (every 28 days on the dot) then one month I was 4 days late, thought I was preggaz but no. Then they started getting earlier, thought I had cervical cancer or something (yes, im extreme lol) checked out at dr everything was fine. Did loads of research and apparently as we get older our bodys dont like routine. So now aunt flow arrives when she bloody feels like it. Lifes full of surprises and my period decided to join in the party lol. I wouldn’t worry too much. 

  • anabellah

    August 31, 2016

    Aisha,

    Jasmina and Mrcollies gave you excellent advice! Take heed! It’s good stuff! We should always be growing and getting better. Take the bull by the horn and take the challenge.

  • Mrcollies

    August 31, 2016

    Jasmina ur comment was strong and deep, thanks on her behalf, if I was her I wud print out what u just said and take it with me everywhere I go, everytime she feels down sad emotional open it read over and over again even if it means she must read 100 times a day till she practice it, its very important for her to forget about the hubby for now, sort herself out it will take time but keep on pushing to a better future, you dont know what will happen tomorrow, sooner he will be knocking in ur door and I’m sure u dont want him to find u like this in a next two to three year, in a mess, because he will fell proud of himself, imagine if he was to bumb into u and the baby in a mall and u both looking good, glowing, it will break him to an extented that he wants to be make up for what he has done, but most importantly u will be in good shape, and happy, lastly dont post pone on getting ur act together, waiting for the pain to heal, force urself to heal now today get urself together now, do it now stand up for urself, dont be discouraged if u fail, try and try(like getting a job even if u dont have qualifications, u can start on the ground(from scrapping floors to local shops anything) a bit by bit that small salary will help u and the bby the time ur gona be spending there at “work” the new ppl ur going to meet its its just priceless, that my advice

     

  • Jasmina

    August 30, 2016

    Aisha

    i went through a pregnancy on my own, not only that but homeless sort off. I was lounge skipping going back and forth between friends and family, it was a bloody mess. 

    In hindsight, I wish I took care of myself better and prepared better. My baby was high risk due to the amount of stress I had, I wasn t eating or drinking water. Pregnancy increases our emotions so you need to try extra hard, find the strength from anywhere you can.

    Do what you can to not think of your husband at all. Being a single mother is not that bad, IF you have your shit together. Because having a baby on your own, being an emotional mess and a disaster makes single parenting hard. 

    Pray, read Quran as much as you can. 

    Prepare financially, I know your family are taking care of you but don’t let that stop you from preparing because once you are a mother everything will change.  Find work or something to do from home, save as much money as you can. With money you can choose to live on your own and buy yourself and baby anything u need without depending on anyone, it’s very gratifying. If work isn’t an option, study and finish something that could help you in the future should you need it, PLUS, you might meet a nice man at uni or college to marry after your divorce is finalised. lol you can’t not think about this seriously, there’s nothing wrong with remarrying, if it happens now, for now don’t dwell on it, u are way too young to stress over that. This will keep you busy and help get your mood up, always helps with pregnancy.

    work very hard on accepting your fate and what Allah has put in your life, it’s hard, but it will help you for later. If you can look at your situation like a distant memory and think I wouldn’t change anything about it and I thank Allah for giving me this in my life then you have accepted it. Thank Allah much and make dua he helps you to understand his wisdom.  

    If you can afford to get an independent midwife/ doula/nurse to help you along the pregnancy during labour and after baby comes, this is helpful and something I wish I had. An expert that will replace hubby. 

    So yeah to conclude prepare your living, your independence, your emotional well being, your finances. You know, do adult stuff lol. 

    Lastly, I’ve learnt something very important about men, the ONE thing that hurts them the most is seeing a woman they harmed come out on top. Yep. They are pretty happy to see you be depressed and a soorry mess because that makes them feel like they still have control, they think they can come back when they feel like it because you dwell on them and so they take their sweet time. But when they see a woman they hurt with confidence, successful and not needing or even thinking about them and seeing you ignore them and be polite if you must communicate but be short, they get it together as well and will start to show you respect and usually will want to come back quickly or apologise at least. All in all you feel like you have your dignity and honour and it’s a great feeling years later knowing you handled a situation like that like a boss and with much grace.

     

     

  • Umm of2

    August 30, 2016

    Ummof4 and karima sisters thank you so much for shedding light. I think that’s what it is just a mild change in cycles. Ummof4 I’m in my twenties. 

  • Karima

    August 30, 2016

    Ummof2 my sister try not to stress. Honestly is easier said Than done as i have nt done a pap test over a year now n sometimes im worried… Isnhallah its nothing

  • ummof4

    August 30, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Umm of 2, try not to be upset.  I don’t remember how old you are, but your body could just be going through a change in menstrual cycles.  In my teens my cycle was every 2 weeks; in my 20s it changed to every 3 weeks.  Once I started having children and in my 30s it was anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks.  I wouldn’t even check for pregnancy until I was a month late.  Then I went into menopause at 47.  So, sometimes our periods are irregular, even if they used to come like clockwork.  Just wait another week or two and see what happens.

    I pray that everyone has a successful day serving Allah properly.

  • Umm of2

    August 30, 2016

    Moipone I’m so worried something is wrong with me internally. I never missed a period unless I was pregnant or was late. Home pregnancy test and blood test were negative I want to go see my gynaecologist in the morning to check if I’m ok. I haven’t been stressed in awhile so it can’t be stress. 

  • Moipone

    August 30, 2016

    @Ummof2

    My periods were 15 days late this  month it was due to the stress, and even more stressed when they are late. They will eventually come dont worry too much because that is also delaying them. 

     

  • shukarina

    August 30, 2016

    Salam all. I’m not sure if I’m introducing myself in a right place here in the middle of discussion but here it comes…

    I’m a revert sister from UK ( not originally from here though ) who got married quite recently about a year ago. I’ve been previously married many years with my ex who was emotionally abusive towards me. I also have kids from that marriage (youngest 5, oldest 20). I’ve been through a lot in my life. The divorce from my ex after a long marriage was the hardest thing I’ve done but I felt I couldn’t cope anymore. 

    Alhamdulillah I found a new husband who is also my soul mate. In 1 day he can show me more love than my ex ever did through all those years. I never need to go sleep angry or upset  and I feel he really cares about my feelings & whatever problems we have we always solve them by talking in a respectful way. Our caracters are very similar and We both couldn’t imagine our lives without each other.

     Thing is my new husband is a bit younger than me and I’m in an age were it’s not so easy to get pregnant anymore. My husband has never been married before and has no children. We’ve been trying to conceive but until now no results. He would be happy even if he only got 1 child with me. Now he’s considering to have a second wife in order to have at least 1 child. I totally understand that it’s only natural for any person to feel the need to have children of their own and he says if he could choose he would rather have 1 child with me and not go through all headache having 2 wife’s. 

    I’m starting to get use to the idea that I might have to share him in the future. I feel that I would rather share a good, loving husband as he is than be one and only for an abusive narcissistic one I already have experience of. However I’m thinking and worried a bit about how I would cope emotionally wen it really happens. I’ve never thought I would be in a polygamous marriage but I know everything happens as God’s will and he knows what’s best for me. And after all this life is only temporary and whoever we feel attached to in this life, we ultimately have to separate from them anyway. 

    My hubby says he doubts he would ever get same kind of connection with any other woman even if he would remarry but I’m sometimes thinking how could he be so sure. What if he would get more feeling towards his second wife specially if having children with her? He swears he could never leave me no matter what. And what about the practical issues. Atm we are married only islamic ally.  Would it be better for me to require him to marry me legally first? Or should I be unselfish and give that position to the second wife as it could put her to more vulnerable situation if she had kids with him but no legal marriage.? What about the law that says polygamy is forbidden? If someone finds out and wants to harm us (e g my ex) what could happen? 

    No matter how much I would prefer being the one and only for him I acknowledge at the same time that it would feel heartbreaking to see my dear husband spending rest of his life without children of his own. 

    I just wanted to read any reflections you dear readers of this forum might have on my situation and my thoughts. Has anyone ever been in similar situation?  Would be grateful of any feedback back and I feel thankful for finding this blog.

  • Karima

    August 30, 2016

    Salam sisters

    Ana I got all emotional reading your advice to Aisha!!! What an excellent advise Mashallah

    Aisha I feel for you. My situation when I was pregnant wasn’t the same like yours , husband physically was there and was giving what he could- but still I felt alone and upset with him.  I had expectations from him. To treat me they way I imagined the way I needed him to feel really loved and supported.  He did what he could according to the feelings he has in his heart for me I guess.  Even now after two kids and so many problems due to his other n generally due to his character n personality but also due to my behaviour n all I m not sure he loves me. He is here alahmdulellah my rights are met alahmdulellah but still the connection of our souls is missing.  I took a step back lately n just observe him his behaviour his eyes his body language trying to understand if he loves me or just cares for me or he’s going through a phase. He’s is about to be 40 soon. I see he s tired and fed up of working but doesn’t complain.  He never complains about anything but then again doesn’t show emotions in general. That’s hard for me. I’m tired at times. I do feel lonely with him but I don’t say anything don’t show anything I try to be normal soft taking smiling n all. I used to think I’m faking I’m pretending n all. Now. I do what i do thinking of Allah n doing it for the sake of Allah asking him forgiveness and strength not to throw tantrums show gratitude and mind my business- teaching- literally care about house kids and H as best as I can.  Alahmdulellah I am stronger I have to be!!!

    This blog has helped me tremendously alahmdulellah . Ana I love you dearly and may Allah bless you and all sisters here.

    Aisha alahmdulellah you have family around you are so lucky mashallah.  Don’t fall in despair your baby will be your happiness you will see. Inshallah. H Wanted  abortion when I was pregnant with second child. Cause I threatened with divorce.  Alahmdulellah we worked it out somehow. And this child is his biggest purest love now. Mine too. Without saying I don’t love my first child . Allahu akbar

  • Mrcollies

    August 30, 2016

    Morning beautiful people, yoooooooooo, I miss u guys time, its been long, I had challanges with my laptop and was away from the office, guess what, during all the absence, I cudn’t stop thinking about all of u, #mylovingfamily

    Aisha, great to hear from you, you know what things might be worse ryt now, with ur husband not being around, anabellah is ryt, everything happens for a reason, you have been blessed a bby is a huge blessing, I also remember with my situation when things were bad between my wives, I was burning in pain, my body was sometime I wished I dont I just walk away just to another town and start my life afresh, I wud think of everything that is a solution just start afresh

    but one thing kept me going till today, things are much better now and thanks to time, faith, hope and prayer, my wives will get along, I know and I believe, it mit not be today but one day things will turn around, so for now just focus on what is positive, in life we cant have it all at the same time, but if we work on it it will come in a bit by bit, one thing positive you can focus on is the baby, only if u had an idea how much me and my second wife want a baby girl…….we have been trying for years and years now, but I know one day we will be blessed, it may not be today but we will have a baby, I will continue to pray and I wont giveup on it, so be strong my dear, ur pregnant u dont want to be too depressed that it put ur baby on risk, what I always do when things go wrong, I go to someone who knows my situation and talk about it laugh it off and find a way.

     

  • Umm of2

    August 30, 2016

    Actually two days late yesterday and now today I know two days late is not such a big deal but to someone who gets there period like clockwork it is. 

  • Umm of2

    August 30, 2016

    Salaams ladies I feel like I’m about to burst open. I missed my period and I’m freakinggggg out. I get my periods every thirty days like clockwork and I’m a day late I haven’t been a day late since being pregnant with my kids. I don’t know what to think, if I’m pregnant don’t know how to tell my husband. It will be unexpected probably for him men are naive sometimes like if you aren’t using a contraceptive it’s possible to fall pregnant and if you are it’s still possible.  But I know he will be happy and know it’s from Allah. I just took a blood test as they are the most sensitive so I’m now waiting for results. Sis Ana after reading your post about babies in a polygamous marriage I completely surrendered. I pray Allah makes me pleased with His Qadr, pregnant or not. Either way I pray for the strength to be content. I will keep you all posted 

  • anabellah

    August 29, 2016

    aisha,

    You said you feel so sad thinking about all that you have sacrificed for your husband during the year. It should be a wake up call for you. Allah says the believer says: my living, my dying, my prayers and my sacrifice are all for Allah the Lord of the worlds. Your sacrifice was for your husband. Your sacrifice was useless. It was done all in vain. It was all a waste. We only get rewarded for what we do in sacrifice to Allah. You know where you need work. If you did it for Allah, you wouldn’t be saying that you feel sad thinking of what you’ve done. You’d be glad because you didn’t do it for your husband. You did it for Allah and your reward comes from Allah.

    Don’t feel stupid or that you are naive. You aren’t. It’s okay. Learn from what you’ve done wrong and make the changes that you need to make with the help and permission of Allah. It’s a new beginning for you. Take it. :-)

  • anabellah

    August 29, 2016

    aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m happy you checked in with us. I’m sorry to hear you had a not so good day today. From what I know of pregnancy, it goes with the territory. It’s part of being pregnant. Insha Allah, you’ll have a better day tomorrow. Don’t allow yourself to stay down. You have to fight it. It sounds that you’re a bit depressed, which is understandable based on your condition and circumstances. Ideally a woman wants to be with her husband and the father of her unborn baby, so they could experience the joy of it together. You’re not alone though. There are many women who have had children without their husbands or (if not married) the father of the child. It’s normal to feel some kind of way about it. You said you feel that something is missing, well there is. Your husband isn’t with you. It’s a reality. It is what it is.

    You’re going to have to wrap your head around the fact that your husband doesn’t want you to have this child. You have to believe that it doesn’t matter. You wanted a child and Allah has granted it for you. You need to show your gratitude to Him for it and focus on Allah at all times and not on your husband. As long as you focus on your husband who doesn’t want your child, you will be unhappy, sad and down. Your husband doesn’t want you to have a child and wanted you to terminate the pregnancy. The man is not worthy of your thoughts.

    You may think you need your husband, but you don’t because Allah doesn’t have him with you, which indicates you don’t need him. You need Allah. Allah knows what is best for you.

  • aisha

    August 29, 2016

    Salaam guys.. hope you’re all well… today has been a very tough day for me.. I’m feeling extremely emotional… when I think about my situation and my ‘marriage’ my heart begins to ache… I feel so alone even though I’m surrounded by people.. my family are being so amazing why do I feel like something Is missing? I hate knowing my husband hates the fact that Im having a baby. I feel so sad knowing I will need him but he wont be here.. I feel so sad thinking of all I have sacrificed for him during this year. My heart is broken into a million pieces. I feel so stupid and naive. 

  • Arzoo

    August 28, 2016

    Ana, yes  i read your comment there :) life is going great and weather is really nice where i am. I read citrus’s comment but in a hurry. I will come back to write a reply.

  • Karima

    August 28, 2016

    Ana lately i started giving every day a small spoon of honey to the kids n already I see difference in their immune system… I think… Subhanallah 

  • anabellah

    August 27, 2016

    Arzoo, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I wrote in reply to your post and the Pakistani thread and I put the following there, which should be here. I get confused sometimes https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

    “Arzoo,

    It’s good to hear from you. You sound so happy and chipper :-) I hope all is going well for you with your studies, as well. “

  • anabellah

    August 27, 2016

    Umm of 2 and Karima,

    I can only imagine what the many benefits of honey are.They are more than we probably would ever know.  The mere fact that it’s mentioned in the Holy Quran as something that heals is enough for me to consume it. I’ve been using it in hot tea for years, plus I put it in a drink that I make with brewers yeast and Papaya juice made from Papaya concentrate. I use the raw unfiltered kind and organic if I can find it in the kind that I like.  There’s even cosmetic stuff one can do with honey. I ain’t got time for that – at least not today. I can be bit lazy LOL

  • Arzoo

    August 27, 2016

    Salam sisters! How are you all beautiful ladies doing 

    I was thinking of many of you especially some who hasn’t written for recently. Mari 2 and Gail, how have you been. I wonder what became of CoCo and Laila. They used to be regular on the blog i think a year ago. Both of them seemed smart, career oriented and successful women. If you are reading let us know that you are doing well.

     

  • Karima

    August 27, 2016

    Salam everyone

    hope you all have a lovely weekend!!!!

    Sis Ana thankx for the Honey info Very useful!!

  • Umm of2

    August 26, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum all

    sis ana thank you for the useful info. Indeed honey has many benefits, too many to count actually 

    mrcollies I hope things are improving with you and your wives. I hope the dust is settling. It’s nice having you here, good having a polygamous mans perspective in the mist. 

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum all you lovely people

    I know I’ve included some information that has nothing to do with polygamy, but since it’s been a little quiet, I thought I’d share some other information that may be of use to you https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

    Sugar pie honey bun, you know that I love…I’m feeling a little crazy todayhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif Excuse me.

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2016
    Honey is a nutritional powerhouse full of vital nutrients including calcium, iron, magnesium, phosphorus, potassium, sodium, zinc, copper, manganese, selenium and fluoride; that help repair and stimulate tissue growth and act as antioxidants to remove harmful free radicals that are in your body.
    Allah tells us in the Holy Quran that “honey” heals, so I thought I’d share what I just read online about “honey”. Honey is a remedy for many more things. The above is just some of the good things about it.
  • anabellah

    August 26, 2016

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2016

    I just saw on the news that the court in France overturned the ruling on burkinis being worn on the beaches.

    http://nypost.com/2016/08/26/france-overturns-burkini-ban-after-worldwide-outrage/

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2016

    I fixed the last post. I misspoke and had put landslide when I meant mudslides.

    Anyhow, you all know how to get out of quicksand, if you fall in ithttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2016

    In reading the Quran we know that many populations that rebelled against Allah’s Prophets and the Message were destroyed by what people today call “Natural Disasters” – such as: flood, hurricanes, tornado. We see it today with populations being destroyed by those very things, including fire, mudslides, earthquakes and volcano.  Not many people pay attention to the signs https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

    I haven’t heard anything about quicksand since I was a child. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2016

    Marah S,

    It just seems so WEIRD that people bother those who are minding their own business and don’t want to take their clothes off in public. You’re right about what is this world coming to. If we’re thinking and doing things different from the mainstream we must be doing something right. My hubz asked me what they do when the Nuns go onto the beach with their Habits on. In the pic in the newspaper article I saw people with regular clothes on at the beach. I suppose it’s just the Muslim attire that causes the people anxiety. They have Muslimphobia.

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2016

    Mrcollies,

    5 houses down may be good or the next town over or something like that unless you live in a rural area with houses miles apart. Having them in the same building in separate apartments could create a problem for you with people being up close and personal in your business, talking about what you’re doing etc.

  • Marah S

    August 25, 2016

    Mrcollies, 5 houses down seems reasonable to me, not too close but not too far.

  • Marah S

    August 25, 2016

    Anabellah, alhamdulillah Allah will be the final judge, it’s always so reassuring to remember Allah takes care of all affairs in the end.

  • Umm of2

    August 25, 2016

    Mrcollies

    you should change your expectations, your dream to have one big house with your whole family getting along. It’s just not possible and it will ruin you and your wives. All the drama living together endures is so not worth it. I think it’s a good idea to buy the apartment five houses down at this time until you can build them nice seperate homes. But you need to do it NOW. 

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2016

    Mrcollies,

    Most co-wives want to be as far away from each other as they possibly can get. I understand why. Nonetheless, I think it’s better that the husband has his wives all near each other, just not in the same home. I go with having them near because it was the way of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). He was able to see all his wives every day based on all that I’ve read about him and his wives.

    There are more good reasons for the wives and children to all be near one another than there are not to be:

    The husband is nearby in case of any emergency.

    He gets to see his children daily easily; although he is allowed to see his children whenever he wants to. Children are not on a schedule unlike the wives.

    Some women miss their husbands and want to see them daily.

    A husband’s days are his to do as he likes (God willing), so he could see all his wives during any day (not just her scheduled night), if his work schedule or whatever he does permits it.

    He won’t have to travel as far, which gives him more time to spend with his family.

    Wives who accept polygamy have to learn to overcome their differences.

    Mrcollies, I think you simply separating your wives and giving them their space and alone time with you will do wonders, even if the homes are right next to each other. You could put them in the same apartment complex with each having their own apartment. They don’t need to be miles, States, or countries apart. Years ago, from what I know, people had tents set up near each other. Each wife had her own tent.

    The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) didn’t have his wives set up in big estates. They had what I believe was considered apartments based on what I read in the Quran with regard to people visiting him at his homes.

    Where you place your wives is up to you, if you’re paying all the bills and maintaining them. Of course, you should consult with them about where they’d like to live, as you’d want your wives to be happy. You know the saying, “A happy wife makes a happy life” for you LOL

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2016

    To be fair, I posted below an article in which it is stated that it is unclear whether the woman was forced to remove some of her clothing or she did it on her own. The court is reviewing the legality of the ban.

    https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/aug/24/french-burkini-ban-row-escalates-clothing-incident-woman-police-nice-beach

  • Karima

    August 25, 2016

    I agree Ana!!!

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2016

    I see it that the authorities wanted to humiliate the woman and make her an example of the treatment women would get if they come onto the beach clothed that way. Why else wouldn’t they simply remove her beach and give her a citation?

    All affairs return to Allah for decision. Allah sees and Knows all things.

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2016

    Here’s the video of the Muslim woman stripped of her rights in France on the beach:

  • Karima

    August 25, 2016

    Totally agree With u Marah S! Very sad indeed

  • Marah S

    August 25, 2016

    I’m just now catching on to what’s been happening in France and I’m soooooooooooo disappointed! it’s so sad. I was reading about the woman who’m police forced to take off her clothes and hijab on the beach while threatening to pepper spray her. I was shocked and in tears. What is going on in the world !??! no woman or man should be forced by the law to undress to a point that makes her uncomfortable. It’s just not fair. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif

  • Mrcollies

    August 25, 2016

    I love this group, I cant stop reading, sometimes I wish I can share this web with them I know they will learn a lot and might end up loving it but I cant. its my private secrete place where my second home, u guys are amazing and I love your comment, I will try hard to do what I’m advice to do, and I will consult before I do anything at home

    I will try talk to them tonit, but we not in good terms since yesterday(sleeping arrangement issue). aish you all know women(so difficult all the time)https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif but obvious they going to side with what your saying when it comes to distance

    yes there is other apartments around, I’l consider it, I have to think hard about it though, the current options was a building a house that will accommodate both better than what we have or buying the house next door, I have check already the one that is available for sale its 5 houses away from our house, please remember that I still have hope of building a “one family”, the different houses its a matter of the space and privacy to them

     

  • Marah S

    August 25, 2016

    Mr.collies definitely ask your wives, would they mind living next door to one another or would they rather live farther apart.

    I understand you want to be with both of them all of the time but it’s not realistic. Everybody has to make sacrifices in life and will face some time of discomfort due to the choices we make. You chose to be polygamous there are a lot of good things that can come from this decision but there also some things you may not like. For example not being able to be there all the time for your children because you have to alternate homes and spend equal time with each individual family. Some people may say this is the biggest disadvantage in polygamy, but in reality it’s not the end of the world. It may take your kids some time to understand and get used to you not coming home everyday, but they will adapt and it will become normal life for them. 

  • Umm of2

    August 25, 2016

    Mrcollies you should ask your wives would they feel comfortable living next door from each other. It might not make a difference. Is there an apartment down the street at least, around the corner or ten minutes away? I think the further they are away from each other the better for them for you for everyone. It will probably be just as hard living next door seeing when you go out with your other wife, when y’all return, if the bedroom light is turned off or on its A LOT. I’m sure they want their privacy. 

  • Karima

    August 25, 2016

    Salam sisters I miss you. I’m busy with life alahmdulellah . I’m working on doing some private teaching inshallah it will work out. Duas please!!! Much love to you all thank you for being here for me?

  • Karima

    August 25, 2016

    Mrcollies

    i don’t think it’s a good idea to leave close! As far as possible instead :)

  • Mrcollies

    August 25, 2016

    Yooooo,,,,, im reading all your comments each day I look forward to read what is in this web side, I grow every day, I wish I knew long ago about this block, yesterday I even went through archives, there is so much to learn. I feel blessed to have you guys, its not even a week but I feel blessed, I try to keep my live private to people I’m surrounded to but here really I feel at home, especially same comment and you all make sense and I really needed this

    yes the house is not big, its a small town house

    is it ok if I buy out my neighbor, the house next door instead of building a house, they look the same one roof (its gona cost me a lot though, everyone will have his own yard own place) everything will be separate

    my serious problem is that I really want to be there at all times, for both of them, at anytime especially for my kids taking them to school, mall, sport everything, I don’t want to miss a day or anything

    kindly advice on the buying a house next door if it will be convenient

  • Umm of2

    August 24, 2016

    Marah s I watched something similar. Sister wives. The husband was so nice and attentive. He sure did make the wife he was with that day feel like the one and only queen of his world. A lot of men need to learn to not bring energy from one household to the next. Leave that ish at the front door scratch that at the mailbox 

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2016

    Mara S,

    That makes sense.It’s the best and easiest way to do it, based on what I can see. Wives must All be believers for them to live separately but still as a family and love one another.

  • Marah S

    August 24, 2016

    I remember watching a segment on TV about a group of women all married to the same man, there were four of them, and they all got along as friends. They said the reason they were all able to become friends and overcome their jealousy was because, they each had their separate dwellings and while he was away of course they missed him but whenever it was their day to be with the husband, He would make them feel like the only woman in the world. No intrusion or even mention of any of the other wives. Their day with the husband belonged to them and only them.

  • Marah S

    August 24, 2016

    Mrcollies,

    welcome back. I think you’re doing a good job as well, trying to be kind and loving to the both of them. I agree with everyone else they need separate houses, polygamy is difficult enough when you don’t see your co-wife everyday. It’s just not fair to force your wives to live together. You’re a man with two separate marriages to two separate women. I know you want one big blended family but you have to be realistic not every dream will come true. I’m sure your wives had a dream to have a husband that loved them and only them, and to be the most beloved and special women to the man they love. but they gave up on their dreams and accepted polygamy even though it’s hard and painful for them. The least you can do is try to make them as happy and comfortable as you can, by giving them each their own homes, their own privacy where they can have you all to themselves without the other wife being around. They deserve to enjoy being married. Have their private moments with you, and not have to hide every time they want a hug or kiss. It will make life so much better for all of you. At the very least ask them if they prefer to live separately. You said they mentioned this before. If this is what they want then you should not deny them that comfort and privacy. 

    Also Do not show affection to one wife in front of the other. Its a recipe for disaster. It’s very painful for a woman to see such a thing, like ripping her heart out.

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2016

    Mrcollies, Hello,

    You do sound to be a very kind hearted, nice guy and very compassionate and loving to your wives. You sound to be a good person.

    I agree with the other ladies eho commented to you and said you need to get your wives separate dwellings. Them living together with you seems to be the biggest problem for all of you. It’s too much for a wife to see her husband show love and affection to his other wife. No wife needs that up close and personal in her face. It’s asking for trouble. No one wants to be stressed and tense all the time.

    Other than them needing their own home, space and time all alone eith you, you seem to be doing everything well – the best that you can. Once you’re able to be totally alone with just one wife at a time, you should see just how much more at peace you all will be, God willing

  • Umm of2

    August 24, 2016

    Mrcollies 

    start looking at your marriages as two separate marriages because that’s what they are. Stop boxing your wives up into this one big happy family bubble. You have two completely different wives and different relationships with each of them deserving seperate homes and lifestyles. They seem to be in an awful lot of pain. Pls get them out of there ASAP. For their own good and yours. Living like this is turning them into the type of ppl that if they took a look in the mirror they wouldn’t recognise themselves. It’s not fair to them 

  • Umm of2

    August 24, 2016

    Mrcollies. Hello. I strongly advise you to get seperate homes for your wives. I live with my husband and his first wife but our house seems much bigger than yours the way you explained not that it makes the pain any less but it’s more places to hide and not have to bump into each other if u don’t want to. It’s extremely difficult it takes years to get used to things. A lot of self control, perseverance. But if they want seperate homes which I’m sure they do that’s their God given right too. And all of your lives will be much easier. You should get each wife a one bedroom apartment for now until you can build proper more spacious homes for each of them. They will get used to you being gone a few days at a time. It will be tough transitioning but all will be okay I’m here to tell u. Not everyone can live like this mrcollies. You seem like a nice guy who loves his wives unconditionally. They need their own seperate homes at least 15-20 minutes away from each other. You will see a major difference in your life. 

  • Karima

    August 24, 2016

    mrcollies

    I think u shou live separately with your wives. Don’t force them to keep in touch if they don’t want to. 

  • Karima

    August 24, 2016

    Salam my sisters

    Aisha

    i know what you are going though. Both of my pregnancies were full of stress anxiety tears n sadness. I was hospitalized Mány times risking to lose my babies. Cause my focus wasnt Allah me n the kids but H n his other.  I dont want t say any bad things about her or H any more what they did t me belongs to the past we all have a share a responsibility to that and when judgement day comes Allah will deal With us accordingly.  Try to focus on Allah You And the Baby n never meet With Your H or his other alone…. The purest love the strongest bond a woman can have in This dunya With a man when it comes to selfless love is With a son if Allah wills. With her Young kids in generál i think.  The heart changes as i read here So many times…. What feels bad now wont feel the same tomorrow n vice versa. Alhamdulellah . Take care my sis

  • Mrcollies

    August 24, 2016

    things are picking up a bit by bit, it will be fine

    to Aisha, again just give it time let her cool down a bit, when she does, try and start keeping contact with her just assure her your not there to steal him away from her, I think in this sutuation sisters need to get along because I dont think it will be nice if there is conflict if he spend time with them lets say Monday and Tuesday then come to spend time with you and the baby Wednessday to Friday, the moment he gets back home then she will be angry at him same to you, I believe if both my wives love each other as much as they love me and I love them equally we can be the happiest of them all, last thing I need is to lay every time I go see my second wife come up with something, and when the truth comes out then I’m in trouble over and over again, think again and to all the sisters, please try love your other sisters, I think you will have peace from the inside.

     

    that my opinion

    I need advice on how to love them how to be close to my first wife while in presence of my second wife without her feeling sad or jealous. where do I start.

    like how can I kiss my one wife in a forehead while my second wife is around

  • Mrcollies

    August 24, 2016

    things will be fine, on monday I had a chat with my first wife and told her I won’t be sleeping in the cough/sofa anymore, coz we have a two bedroom they both sleeping there, I have a two garage which I have made it nice and turned it into my room, living area and a cinema, in case one need a break, or needed to spend a night with one of them then at least it is outside the house, other than that, I was sleeping in the sofa, but monday I decided to tell them that I was going to sleep in bed, so Monday I went to spend a night with my second wife(without being intimate), we talked all night, we both could hear that she couldn’t sleep, I went to calm her down and put her to bed, went back continued with the conversation in the morning I could feel my first wife was not feeling well, last night I went and spent a night with my first wife(also without being intimate)  this morning she didn’t want to give me a goodbye kiss/hug as she was not feeling well about me spending a night with her, 

     

  • Mrcollies

    August 24, 2016

    they now back at home, they both trying to get along, under one roof, suterday I went to fetch them while my first wife was busy unpacking her bags, my second wife was cooking dinner for everyone, sunday I found them sitting in my second’s wife bed talking, they talked for more than 3 hours, things are not that tense anymore, its still a long way to go, I’m hoping and working towards that they become very close sister, love each other, yes it will take me years but it will be fine one day, I pray and pray that things work out, monday when I got home my first wife cooked and dished up for us, my second wife didn’t eat said she had something on her way home, but I knew she didn’t eat, I didnt want to fuss about it, but as soon as we left the house in the morning I bought her breakfast and lunch, when I got home yesterday I found that my first wife didn’t cook coz it was my second’s wife’s turn to cook, I called her to find out is she was going to cook but said she was tired, so I had to cook, we all sat and watched TV

  • Mrcollies

    August 24, 2016

    they got into a fight, it was not nice

    my point is, my wife was very mad at some point, she did everything she could to stop both me and my second wife, but because I love them both, I couldnt stop, she even left me at some point for 3 months it was tough for me for everyone including my son not going to school(3 years old) away from me, when I called them to say hi when I hear my son’s voice I was crying every day and night, we all lost weight, it was tough for my family, but today I look back and when all that was happening, I couldnt do anything, my business fell to the ground, couldn’t do anything, but today things are better

  • Mrcollies

    August 24, 2016

    Morning Anabellah, karima, ummof4, Jesmina, Aisha and hope your well, also Marah S, Ummof2 and Arica  hope they doing well n will come back soon

    any way its been busy at work, all i cud do is to thing of the block and you guys, it feels like a family when I get time I read what is on the block, it really helps a lot

     

    to Aisha if im not mistaken I believe your expecting a baby, and the other wife is not taking it well, I’m not sure about how she influence him.

    my opinion to you is that – first – about the morning sickness, just try and laugh it off, don’t focus on the negative side of the sickness talk to ur baby tell him/her that she/he is putting a strain on you and must stop doing that, brush ur belly and love this wonderful stage you’re going through

     

    as for you husband, talk to him calm him down a little bit,,,,, a bit by bit, love him, tell him ur in this together, with his other wife on his neck right now, I’m sure he does need your support as his wife(family……remember it’s you and the baby now)

     

    as for the other wife

    please try a accept her from your heart, she will be fine one day it’s just that at this moment she a bit cross and emotional, she will grow into you being part of their family, she just need time trust me she will come around, whatever she says and do don’t take it personal just let it go she doesn’t mean it

    I remember when my first wife found out she was cross at me, she was angry, sometimes she wound beat me up, she would cry day and night, break things in the house, the best thing I could do was to take the pain and calm her down a bit by bit, she did all these things intending that I will stop my relationship with the other wife, all I could do was to love her even if she had a knife in her hand, all I could do was to tell her I love her and she must calm down, I tried to talk to her, she was frustrated,

    I remember one day I took them out for dinner to a public place so we can talk and find a way forward, when we got there, we spoke, they both told me how this setup should be, the separate houses issue came in, and how the visiting arrangements will be, I remember that day it was a Friday it was raining outside, it was about 30km to our house and 30 km to my other wife’s place so I decided that I was going to drop my first wife at home then go drop my other wife, it was dark outside already, my first wife refused to be dropped first and my other wife refused that she come with us, because she was going to see where she stays and she might attack her and her mother was there, so there could be drama when we get there, aish, I was caught in the middle, I got upset and decided to drive home with both of them, everyone was upset in the car, I got home I asked them to come in and one wanted to come but they came in the house eventually as my second wife was stepping in the house, my first wife smashed her with a clap on her face, 

     

  • anabellah

    August 23, 2016

    Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m so happy you’re well, barring your bout with some morning (all day) sickness. Better you than me LOL I have a fear of vomiting. I’m terrified of it. I haven’t vomited since I was about 18 years old. I had food poisoning.

    I’m not surprised your husband’s other is kicking up a huge fuss. It’s sad that there are some women in polygamous marriages who don’t want the husband’s other wife to have children. We’re suppose to want for our brother (sister-in-faith) what we want for ourselves. How selfish it is for her to want and have two children and want you to have none? How dare they want you to get rid of your child. It’s not even Islamic to do such a thing. How wrong it is for them to suggest something like it to you.

    Just thank Allah much that you are away from them and you and your baby are safe. I’m so excited for you, Aisha. Keep us posted :-)

  • ummof4

    August 23, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Aisha, eat some dry crackers before you get out of bed each day to help with the morning sickness(or all day sickness).  Make sure you eat properly and take your prenatal vitamins.  Please do not listen to your husband and his other wife about your pregnancy.  They are not in control of you and your body, Allah is.  

    Allahu Akbar!

  • Jasmina

    August 23, 2016

    Aisha

    how exciting. Stay positive. Enjoy the experience as much as you can and rest.

    idk why they’re call it morning sickness, it’s more like all day sickness lol.

    ignore those two jerks. They are two very ill people. 

    walaikum sallam

     

  • Aisha

    August 22, 2016

    Assalaam’alaikum guys… praying you’re all well inshaAllah…

    Jasmina morning sickness is a nightmare I seem to have it throughout the day… 

    He’s wife has found out that I’m pregnant and shes kicking up a HUGE fuss… he is dying for me to get rid of It… 

    I have my first scan soon inshaAllah I’m so excited! 

     

  • Karima

    August 22, 2016

    Salam Ana

    enjoy Your day rest n relax as much as possible?

    Yes u are right my problem is that husband has feelings for that woman…..

    éven if he had told me from the beginning it would húrt just the same…. But maybe I wouldn’t lose respect for him, as i ve lost some now,,:(

    im trying to remember Allah n work on myself n see now it goes

    alhamdullah i must go on n not fall in despair over this

  • Mrcollies

    August 22, 2016

    Hi everyone, sorry I couldn’t log in to read comments, weekend was a bit hectic, with what is going on at home, I’m looking forward reading and sharing what is going on in my life, there is nothing best than talking to someone who understand what your going through and will to assist instead judging, I have a bit to share

    thank you all for your inputs

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2016

    Karima, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Don’t sweat it that you became overwhelmed.  It happens. Insha Allah, you’ll continue to keep getting better. Again, you must consider that you are a newbie to a polygamous marriage. You’re feeling your way around and learning. It takes time. You’re on that roller coaster ride. Some days you’re up and some days you’re down. One day you’ll be constant on a Merry-Go-Round, Insha Allah. Just don’t become complacent because we don’t know how much time we’ve got left on this earth. Allah could seize our souls in a heartbeat. Keep making an effort to get better. Keep turning to Allah for his help, guidance, protection, forgiveness and mercy https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    About his phone, ask Allah to keep you out of it. Insha Allah, you’ll eventually be around it without any temptation to find out what’s in it. You’re doing good, sis. Keep up the good work.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum All,

    I hope you’re all having or have had a wonderful weekend. It’s nice and quiet where I am. It’s been a relaxing day with some rain and it’s peaceful. Alhumdilliah. It’s all good.  I feel fall in the air. It’s seems summer has zoomed by.

    Nothing new and exciting is happening with me. It’s the same ole same ole. I’m just trying to stay focused on Allah the same as I keep reminding everyone, which is definitely a reminder for me.

    I love all you sisters-in-faith Air Kiss and I’m so grateful to Allah that He has given us all a safe haven to come and commune with one another.

  • Karima

    August 21, 2016

    Crap marriages expression made me laugh!! Thanx Ana. Now I see how silly I was yesterday n got overwhelmed lost faith n became desperate.

    H told me promised me when we sat down some months ago . After December heave incident, that this time things will be different he promises n if that woman will harass me again well put a complain against her in the police. …. 

    N that I should trust him that he’ll handle her. I should stop snooping around his mobile though he said n lately he even stopped putting password n just living it around.  Just once I broke my promise n did checked it n I saw her messages all crying n desperate for him…. Accusing him h doesn’t care n he’s all happy with us.  His answer was I do care but I didn’t find the all honey loving juicy messages I was expecting to…

    i ll re read ur answers

    jasmina yes your post is great

    Ana I can’t thank you enough

    i have major work to do on myself

     

  • Jasmina

    August 20, 2016

    Thanks Ana

    its a reminder for me also. life is as good as me make it. Hardships are bound to come no matter what situation we are in. Make the most of it and you just never know Allah may turn life around and make it great. When we are grateful He gives us more. I know friends in monogamous marriages that have other challenges with their children or health or money, or look at the millions of Muslims suffering overseas at the moment. 

    You and others reminded me of all this when I was going through my jazz and it’s easy to read something and think well it’s difficult and the next day forget about it and start the depressive process again. It’s not until you make the conscious effort to follow through with this advice regardless of how you feel about it. At one point I had alarms set on my phone every hour and reminders everywhere lol. Until it becomes second nature to thank and remember Allah and to be happy. 

    Karima, inshallah you can get through this phase in your life quickly.

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2016

    oh, and by the way, I definitely can see how some people stay in crap marriages, but eventually things turn around and they come out smelling like roses. It’s awesome. :-)

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2016

    Jasmina, :-)

    What a beautiful post you wrote not only to Karima but to all of us! The message was for everyone. I took it to heart. Thank you :-)

  • Jasmina

    August 20, 2016

    Karima

    you are heartbroken. It’s difficult to discover your husband having another woman in his life. Even if he told you about her from the start and was honest about it, you would be hurting the same. The heart doesn’t reason.

    I don’t really understand why it has to be about leaving or staying.  Men do $hitty things, I’ve learnt to live with that.  You can’t think short term, think long term. I once read research that unhappy married couples that stay together eventually work it out and end up happier than those that divorce. Things change in life, it won’t stay the same forever. I’ve stuck with my husband even though he has done some terrible things, all love and trust was lost, but it’s looking better now. 

    You are in a situation where like Ana said, your husband is there, he cares about you, and provides and loves you otherwise he would be happy to let u go already. 

    If I were in your situation I would accept things and sit him down tell him that you want to trust him and you will believe him when he tells you that he doesn’t have any other woman in his life however if he decides to bring her back into his life you expects him to tell you and be honest and to work through the challenges of polygamy together as a couple. Then I would do everything possible to forget about it all by focusing on Allah and making your life about Allah and ask Allah to repair your heart and your marriage. Just put your trust in Allah 100% and forget about your husband. The times you two are together do your best to make them happy moments. 

    There is no way in the world I would let anyone ruin my marriage if I otherwise have a caring husband and my kids have a caring father. It doesn’t make sense. Work hard to repair the hurt you have and only Allah can fix that so turn to him.  Allah has given you some difficulty in your life, you can expect that as a Muslim, he tests us. Many years from now you will think why wasn’t I patient more etc. Trust that it is Allah who is putting this in your life, and show Him that you are patient and trust that only He will relieve you of this pain.

     

     

  • Karima

    August 20, 2016

    Yes Ana you are right! Thanks for caring

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2016

    Karima,

    Just imagine if you really had to live polygamy the way others do, for instance, if you had a good number of kids and your husband was off to his other and back to you every other day, two or three – whatever the schedule. Your husband is with you just about every day except for a couple of days a months. Your biggest gripe is that he has feelings for someone else besides you. Your biggest complaint is that he is involved with someone else along with you.

    Basically, you wish your marriage was still monogamous. You need to accept that it isn’t, so you could move on.

    There’s a lot you’re dealing with. It takes time. You’ll be alright in time. You just have to get focused on Allah. It will happen, Insha Allah, it time. Just keep working on you. Remember – You can’t remember Allah if you’re constantly remembering your husband and his other and having a pity party with yourself.

  • Karima

    August 20, 2016

    how interesting that I feel so bad today cause a distant friend wrote me that again she caught her husband texting a new woman another affair .  I think this is the reason behind today me feeling bad

  • Karima

    August 20, 2016

    Im not good in talking without crying Ana:( n feels humiliating.  Whatever I say comes out as accusation.  Whatever he’ll say I won’t believe him.  I don’t believe he loves me . 

    Yes I became negative n bitter.  I feel I’m vegetating that my life stopped. I gave up my career with a heavy heart it’s difficult with the kids at times n my marriage isn’t what it used t be… 

    So I’ll skip talking t him cause he’ll get all defensive n upset

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2016

    Karima,

    Just go ahead and talk to him about your thoughts and how you’re feeling, if it’s what you want to do.

    It’s nice to have a husband who doesn’t complain. I know because I have one who hardly ever complains and it’s a beautiful thing. Count it as a blessing.

    How do you know your husband pretends to care? He may genuinely care. You’re not in his head. Try not to be so negative. Try to have a nice, happy relationship with your husband. Don’t keep pressuring him and making demands or you may find yourself suddenly without him. If you want to be without him then I suppose you should keep doing what you’re doing. Just because Allah has placed love in your husband’s heart for you today doesn’t mean He’ll always keep it there.

    I understand that you feel your relationship changed after the woman entered your lives. Things change when the variables change. Nothing stays the same. You just have to remember and keep reminding yourself that Allah made the change and believe it. As long as you believe the woman and your husband did it, which is wrong thinking and not the case, you will be unhappy. I’m sure she never wanted the relationship that she is in either. As long as you make it about you, you will be unhappy. It’s the bottom line.

    You’re a newbie to this whole way of life and it will take you some time to adjust. Keep re-reading the comments here that everyone have made to you, so you’ll stay on track.

  • Karima

    August 20, 2016

    I just feel so alone i cant talk t him of anything personal i dont want to i feel he wont understand or hell pretend h cares. I feel With her h must be so happy n im in the way ….. So i should just keep him as an atm, the provider n all?  I feel after the kids n after that woman came in the picture our relationship changed to the worse:( at least for me. He never complains. I feel alone here:(

  • Karima

    August 20, 2016

    i love u all You are such comfort n help to me may Allah bless u

  • Karima

    August 20, 2016

    cant thank You enough for shaking me. Propably they are married…. Yes sátán is around…. Yes im weak n not turning t Allah…. I hate my husband now but thats not always the case…. I have flaws too….. This whole thing sucks

    sorry for Being such an old Cry Baby lol

  • Karima

    August 20, 2016

    i Hear You Ana loud n clour..

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2016

    Karima,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are having a bad day today with trying to control stuff – your husband and his reluctance to tell you point blank that he is married to the woman. Your days will continue to be this way unless you can let go of your need to know. Satan is the one that is on your back about it and hammering it in your head that you must know what the relationship between your husband and the woman is.

    You need to seek refuge in Allah from Satan. Plead and beg for Allah to relieve you of the obsession and need to know. If your husband isn’t married to the woman, Allah will deal with it. Sometimes it’s better not to know some things.

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2016

    Karima,

    Based on what you said, the only problem that I see you have is that your husband won’t tell you straight – I’m married to the woman or I’m not married to her.

    Just say for instance that he is not married to her. He doesn’t have to tell you that he’s not. He would be foolish to confess such a thing to you or anyone else. Adultery is a serious offense.

    There could be a very good reason that he is not telling you that he is married to the woman. He may be basing it on something that has happened in the past between you and him that you haven’t shared with us or you don’t know he’s holding onto, which is his reason for not saying that he is married to her.

    I really can’t get with your obsession on needing him to come out of his mouth and tell you directly what his relationship with her is. He’s coming home to you; he has sexual relations with you; he treats you nicely; he pays all the bills; he’s a good father to your children. Back up off him and leave him alone. Gee Wiz. What more could you ask for. He doesn’t have to tell you what you want him to. Be grateful for what Allah has given you because He very well can take it all away.

    About whether she’s getting her rights, I’d leave that alone as well because you don’t know what his and her arrangement is. Her rights would be based on what he and she agreed on, not what anyone else think the rights should be.  Rights are all relative to the people, the situation and their agreement.

  • Karima

    August 20, 2016

    Ummof 2 thats whatAna alsó have been saying. I cant control stuff i cant have the answers its not about me n my wants. But its sooo hard for me todaY:(

  • Karima

    August 20, 2016

    I left him twice before our marriage because of the religion issue.  I thought of leaving the house but I’m not sure if islamically it’s ok…. N what I would gain? Lies??? More lies n promises?  I asked him to meet with her all of us many times in the past. I said I would give it a try – polygyny- with a heavy heart- but I would. But he senses I won’t be able t handle i think. Family is number one for him h doesn’t want to break up the family but he broke me.  By lying n cheating . 

    You sisters said here giving ultimátum is not good Spyingn n snooping Around is not good i should make my intention of divorce if thats what i want n Leave it to Allah

    im scared to proceed With the divorce though thats what i want

  • Umm of2

    August 20, 2016

    Karima I was trying to edit my comment about hiring a PI it was said in the heat of the moment. Don’t go to that extreme sis. It will only hurt u in the end for not waiting for Allah to reveal what you have been wanting answers too. I really don’t know what you should do besides praying to Allah for guidance and strength to persevere and hopefully get the whole truth one day. And what better way to rely fully on Allah 

  • Karima

    August 20, 2016

    I told him in spring I’m waiting till September n if he won’t come clean with the truth I’ll file for a divorce.  I sense he is with her too. If married or not i dont know.  I texted him some weeks ago its not fair to either me or her This situation. Ana told me i cant force him admit anything there s people who are not capable of Being Straight. He is giving me all rights but not honesty . I am drifting apart from him. I’m faking that things are ok.  He acts as always happy n all

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2016

    Karima, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m standing firm on my belief that you should simply view your husband and that woman as being married. There is the story in the Quran about Aishah and the problem she had when people suspected her of a sinful act that should be your guide. It lets us know that we are supposed to put the best take on a situation and not sit about being suspicious and thinking badly about people. It only ruins our own souls and we will be accountable to Allah for it.

    It’s one thing to investigate when we’re considering marrying someone or trying to determine if we should befriend someone as in looking into ones character. I don’t think your case warrants any investigation. Don’t hire a private detective. Allah tells us clearly not to spy on one another. You know for a fact already that your husband is involved with that woman. The same as I commented to NAJWA5 use the story of Aishah that is in the Quran as your guide. Look at it in the best light. View your husband and the woman as married and leave it at that. You’re hurting your own soul by thinking that he is in a haram relationship when they may not be. You think that you have some right to know what exactly is happening with them. If it’s bothering you so much, you need to plan to leave the marriage, which you said you’re looking to do. It would be best for you so that you could keep your sanity.

    Again, I’d say leave your husband and that woman alone. Whatever the relationship between them is, it’s their business and if they are doing anything wrong then Allah will deal with them. Again, if Allah wanted you to know what their relationship is then He would reveal it to you.

  • Karima

    August 20, 2016

    she hasnt contact me since december , sometimes im hoping she will ágain cause then i would have the strength to end this

  • Karima

    August 20, 2016

    if it was just me ít would be easier but we have two kids … For me thats a reason holding me back…. Maybe the time hasnt come yet t end This i dont know. I cant decide….

  • Jasmina

    August 20, 2016

    Oh and I second Ummof2 that we women know, it’s an instinct we have Alhamdulillah.  Definitely trust your instinct, but be careful with how you act based on that alone.

  • Jasmina

    August 20, 2016

    Karima 

    okay so you found out the truth already. If they are married or not isn’t the issue here, I sense you have made that the issue so it continues to drag on without you taking action and because you don’t want to lose him. Maybe you are waiting for him to tell you that he is not married to her and is not seeing this girl because he loves you and only you and you want him to prove that he loves you.

    believe me you can live through that for years and nothing will change except you two will grow apart further and you will get bitter or depressed allahualem.

    Your husband has broken your trust, you are justified in your mistrust, it doesn’t mean that it’s not a marriage anymore. It happens. But what now?

    i don’t know your situation and no one can say what steps you aught to take but you need to take some steps. I want to make something clear, whatever you do, do it with honesty, integrity and justice because you will be judged on how you act. So sorry to Ummof2 but that’s terrible advice, do not hire a private investigator or go sneaking around, I know we all women do it to some degree but I won’t advice you to do it because it’s haram. It’s also not right to be suspicious of another, therefore it’s very important that you resolve this and move on, with you not regretting your actions. 

    clearly  you do not want to leave your husband, if you did you would have done so already.

    To me a man that is capable of cheating may not be praying or practising Islam fully in which case it would be sinful for you to stay with him, so that is a bigger issue for you then knowing if he is married to someone else or not.

    he may not be cheating on you, he may be married to this woman and so then the problem is he is not giving her her marital rights and that is a huge sin for him and she may be suffering. They will never know how great or bad a marriage they have until they leave together, after living together things may not work out for them so then what was the point in waiting years.  Haram though is that is the case. 

    So back to my point, you know he has someone else, so in that case you need to act, better late than never. Maybe he twisted things to leave doubt in your mind so u really need to be firm.  

    I know exactly what I would do now that I have been through what I have been through but I’d rather that we help you work through it so you take the rights steps forward. Waiting, wailing and hoping doesn’t work for me anymore, not with this sort of thing. 

  • Karima

    August 20, 2016

    Ummof2 so far my instinct has always been right:( whenever I was snooping around always I was finding text messages emails etc. so he presented her being in love with him n going after him but he trying to handle the situation n with time get rid of her….how naive he thinks I am? Or stupid?

    seriously now is it Haram to hire a detective?

  • Karima

    August 20, 2016

    Jasmina

    done all that some months ago n saw their messages it was clear they have Sthng going on Still.  If they are married i dont know.  I could híre a detektív i know.   Or just Wait one year when   My Child will go t kindergarden get a job And divorce.  The thing is there is no trust n without out what kind of marriage is This? 

  • Umm of2

    August 20, 2016

    He’s probably too smart to leave selfincriminating  messages and emails so easily reachable. If she really can’t stand not being in the know then karima should just hire a PI (private investigator) so she can get the truth once and for all so she could move on with or without him. If she finds something it’s only because Allah allowed it. But karima be careful because as they say when you go looking for something you’re going to find it. Trust your instincts. Us women almost always have that feeling when something just isint right. 

  • Jasmina

    August 20, 2016

    Karima 

    yes lies and secrets are the worst. But it can’t be that hard to find the truth, he can’t be that good. 

    I think the only way to know is by leaving for whole reason he acts too sus and u feel u need to trust him to stay. Though u have already left or threatened to leave so probably won’t have any effect.

    or check his phone in front of him or bill in front of him or his emails. Put him on the spot and make him prove that he isn’t talking to anyone else. 

  • anabellah

    August 19, 2016

    Night Time

  • Karima

    August 19, 2016

    It’s bedtime here have a goodnight my sisters in faith much love t u all

  • anabellah

    August 19, 2016

    ALHUMDULLIAH!

  • anabellah

    August 19, 2016

    I love you too, Sis Karima, and God bless you, as well. Everything is going to be okay. Don’t worry about anything. Don’t worry; be happy :-)

  • Karima

    August 19, 2016

    I love you sis Ana you are an inspiration to me and I take your advice as a mothers advice( I don’t know you age sorry i be mistaken you for much older I am 41 years old) God bless you

  • anabellah

    August 19, 2016

    Karima,

    One more thing. You said you regret not having left the man who is now your husband years ago. Insha Allah, don’t think that way or say that anymore – unless of course, you think you have power.

    Allah says He is the only One who has power. He is the all Powerful. You had no power to not be involved in the relationship with the man who is now your husband. It was scripted for you. You are where you are today because Allah decided it.

    You either believe it or you don’t. If you don’t, you will continue to have regrets and be unhappy with the way that your life is.

    You either believe that you have power and make things happen or you believe that Allah controls all affairs. He disposes of our affairs. He controls all in the Heavens and the earth and all between.

    You need to determine what it is that you believe. It will determine how your life plays out. Allah says He will not change our condition until we change what is in our hearts. What do you believe?  Don’t answer it to us, but answer it to yourself. Reflect and contemplate it.

  • anabellah

    August 19, 2016

    Karima,

    In hating that you are not strong enough, it may be a good thing. When we are complacent and content with the way that we are, we have problems.So, I misspoke when I said that ALL of your list of hates aren’t good.

    It’s good that you want to be a better servant to Allah.

    Hating that others may view you in a negative way is something you need to work on. What holds a lot a Muslim women back from getting closer to Allah is their fear of what others may think of them and say about them. We have to get away from caring about that. We need to care only about what Allah thinks of us. Those who don’t follow our way of life will not agree with us and will not see us in a favorable light – no matter what. Allah has let us know that. We must BELIEVE it. A Believer believes what Allah says. Allah tells us what is in peoples hearts so we can act accordingly based on what He says. He says those who don’t follow our way will not be happy with us unless or until we follow their way. We have to disregard what they say and see them as the insignificant people that they are. Allah says don’t listen to them. We need to obey Allah. When we care about what those who don’t follow our way (Islam) think and say about us, we are not obeying Allah.

    You say you care about what we think about you – maybe thinking that you are a cry baby. Those of us here who follow Islam as you do, won’t view you as a cry baby. We’ve been where you are and some are still where you are. We understand what you are going through, so we definitely won’t view you in a negative light. We’re in this boat together. You’re at the right place with like minded people. We’re trying to support one another in our quest to grow closer to Allah. :-)

  • anabellah

    August 19, 2016

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I understand that you were simply venting. I felt a need to respond to what you said.

    You need to keep wanting to do the right thing, wanting to trust in Allah and believe that He controls all things and, Insha Allah, you’ll get there eventually.

    Has your husband lied? If I understand correctly, your husband hasn’t told you what his relationship with the other woman is.

    Take a look at what you said: You hate lies. You hate being stuck. You hate not being strong enough. You hate feeling that we may think that you are a cry baby. You hate not being able to make up your mind and end the relationship. You hate not ending the relationship years ago. It amounts to hating what Allah has decided.

    All of your hates amount to hating what Allah has decreed – that your husband not tell you what his relationship with the other woman is and that you are still in the marriage because it’s where Allah wants you at this time, which is why you can’t seem to leave when you want to. It’s what you need to wrap your head around. It’s not about you and what you want. Life is not about you. It’s what you must learn.

  • anabellah

    August 19, 2016

    Mrcollies, Hello and welcome

    I agree with all the other wonderful commentators here who said you need to separate your wives and not have them live together. You said you’re not Muslim. What does your religion, if you follow one, instruct you about polygamy? There was another commentator here and her husband and his other wife were living polygamy that wasn’t based on any religion. They pretty much made up a way to live as they went along. It’s difficult when you don’t have structure. What are you basing your way of living on?

  • Arica

    August 19, 2016

    If you are building separate houses you might as well do separate kitchens. This is probably the 2nd worst room to expect them to share!

  • ummof4

    August 19, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Mrcollies, welcome to the blog.  It is refreshing to hear from a man.  You say you are not Muslim, but some advice is for anyone.  Since your wives have already shown you that they cannot live together peacefully, you should believe them.  Please get separate houses as soon as you can.  Or if they really fight a lot, then maybe one of them can live somewhere else and you visit her until you finish the large house you say you are building so they can have their own private space.

    It’s interesting how men and women think differently.  You are hoping that your wives will get along like best girlfriends who just happen to love and be married to the same man.  That’s a fantasy, women have to have their own private relationships with their husbands.

    A couple of questions?  Do you live in a country where polygyny is normal for many marriages?  Some countries, like Tanzania have legal polygyny.  Do you know any men who are in are have been in polygynous marriages?  Maybe they could give you some helpful advice.  

  • Marah S

    August 19, 2016

    Mrcollies, the only solution that I see is that they need to be in separate homes. If things have become physical then it is absolutely not a healthy environment, not for you, your wives or for the children. I understand that it’s not convenient for you but you have to make sacrifices. You say you love the both of them so you need to do what’s best for them and get them separate homes where they can be happier and more comfortable. They’re going to be jealous no matter what, the best you can do is to keep them far enough from one another that they don’t get in arguments, fights and have the opportunity to destroy each others property. You need to be strong, and put these women before yourself. You may have a dream of one big happy family but I don’t think your wives share that dream. So it’s up to you to give up on your dream and do what is best for everyone. I think the most fair way to go about it, is to allow the first wife to stay in her home that she’s already been in for years. And move the second one out to a different place. Then alternate days equally between them. You mentioned having intentions to buy a land and build two separate homes, so this arrangement won’t be forever. You just have to give up a little of your own comfort for a little while to make your family more comfortable. If you keep on forcing them to live in such an uncomfortable way you may end up losing one or both of them. Love only goes so far, one of them may wake up one day and decide love is not enough to keep on living this way.

  • Karima

    August 19, 2016

    Hi MrCollies

    separate houses is a must at my opinion!

    i trust the sisters will assist u as soon as possible

  • Mrcollies

    August 19, 2016

    Plz any word of advice will assist a lot especially from a woman’s perceptive on how to deal with this

  • Mrcollies

    August 19, 2016

    I love them so much they both know that, I know how much they love me, but at the moment how do I start showing them without them hurting,

  • Mrcollies

    August 19, 2016

    I’m staying with both of them and their families they dont know as yet, my first wife’s parents know but they dont know we all staying together as we have not yet declared to them, I rushed my actions, I didnt do things ryt, and now its hunting down

  • Mrcollies

    August 19, 2016

    as for how I need to react I dont know as when we started staying together, I tried to be soft ask politely that we build our family but it got out of hand as my first wife got abusive to me, she was very angry, now she seem much better, two weeks ago we all had a meeting I spoke to them but they didnt say anything to each other, things are a bit calm but I’m not sure how long it will last, I need to try and show them love and affection caring and caddling but I dont know how to do that coz the other party will end up hurting when its not her turn, I dont know how much time I need to give them, obviosly at this moment they totally not trusting each other, what makes things worse is that each one when they leave the house they lock their rooms, aish it will be hard to rebuild trust, I’m not sure if they will even eat each other’s meal anytime soon things were better before my first wife started fighting now that she is coming home I have no idea what is going to happen

  • Mrcollies

    August 19, 2016

    for now I just need a way to make them get along, my first wife she left to and went back to her parents because it was a bit too much for her seeing me with the other woman, she got hurt, and angry, she was fighting she was telling her she wont accept her and when we were at work she destroyed my second’s wife room and clothes then left, it was in May I managed to calm her down and gave her space we worked things out, tomorrow she is coming back  with my son I’m hoping they not gonna fight again, its staining, my second wife got angry for wat she did, I’m hoping she will forgive her when she comes back home

  • Karima

    August 19, 2016

    It Pretty much shows im Being punished for the past… Either way i never felt closer t Allah. I dont want t give my back t Allah n keep facing H.  May God guide me

    thamx for listening

  • Mrcollies

    August 19, 2016

    Thanks Jasmina for replying especially positively

    I’m not Muslim, I adore the culture a lot, Yes my decisions and actions are hunting me ryt nw, as it was not my intentions to do this but I really got attached to this two souls and they became in love with me, choosing was not an option, I couldn’t break their heart, as for one home, I’m trying to let them get used to each other, form one family instead of two, as I want to be there for everyone for my kids all the time driving them to school be there for my wives. I tried to be in different houses but when I’m on the other side my mind is on the other side and for them also if im visiting the other side there is always that conflict, I’m busy with purchasing a big land where I can build a two set up house with a common kitchen and living area but its going to take about a year or two. that way each family will have a space of their own

  • Karima

    August 19, 2016

    Salam Sisters

    i do want t know the truth cause living in doubt n suspicions n lies is exruciating. The pain n anxiety sometimes is too much. 

    Yes it could be he knows i will react negatively thats why he s híding stuff.

    but i could learn to accept it. If not there s always possibility of divorce no?

    i Hate lies i Hate feeling stuck:(

    i Hate im not strong enough to end This ..: maybe i will at one point maybe i wont

    i Hate feeling u might be thinking what a Cry Baby i am, how weak of not Making up my mind n end This.   Basically i Hate myself of not Ending This years ago when i left him twice…. Before we gót married . It took us 11 years to persuade our families t agree t the marriage:(

  • Jasmina

    August 19, 2016

    Mrcollies

    welcome

    are you Muslim? 

    First of all the past will probably always creep in so that’s something u have to be patient with.  Your wives will hurt from your mistakes for a long time, you best be gentle with them about it. Seriously they didn’t ask to be in that situation so why be harsh.

    second of all what were you thinking living all together under one roof? If you want peace then have separate dwellings. It’s as simple as that.

     

  • Mrcollies

    August 19, 2016

    Very interesting group I just found out about it today, I’m at work cant wait to get home and go through all the advices and what you guys were sharing, I’m  31 male from south africa and have two wives, they currently not getting along and need help, it would be nice to get an advice from a woman side as how I need to reach to the whole set up, situation, 

    please assist, I will share my story in details, all I’m asking is that I have a happy home with my wives, kindly advice what is a book’s name,  want to read and learn, I didn’t do things right, it all started with me cheating on the mother of my child who we were togther for 7 years we have a 3 years son,

    year after I met the mother of my son I met this other lad, we ev been together ever since we almost 6 years now as an african we pay lobola so I have paid lobola on both of them they so in love with me, I love them so much they mean the world to me, this year we started living together but things didnt go well, they were trying to get along, we stayed tother for 3 months and the mother of my child bursted and left, she took our son and went back home I managed to fix things with her tomoroow she is coming back and I have not idea how to reach again to be firm or soft or hard, Its new they both still hurting, not used to this new set

  • Mrcollies

    August 19, 2016

    Hi I need help

  • Jasmina

    August 18, 2016

    Arzoo

    after being clinically depressed for over 5 years, trying everything such as therapy, psychology, psychiatrists, medication, and other alternative therapies I can speak for it.  I used to be consumed thinking about the past and my pain. The days were gloomy, I never smiled, many time I was suicidal authoobilah.

    I thought I was doing everything islamically but I wasn’t and it wasn’t until I did a few things correctly that I was PERMANENTLY cured of depression within TWO WEEKS. 

    1) gave in and turned to Allah fully one day when I felt the worst despair and asked and begged for his help and guidance sobbing for hours.

    2) corrected my prayers. No missed prayers. No late prayers. 

    3) read Quran in arabic and translation and tried to memorize it too. The memorization was great because of the amount of focus and dedication you need.

    4) genuinely believed that only Allah could help.

    before I knew it, I started accepting my fate, my problems, my hardships. Then my anxiety started going away. Soon I started appreciating what I had. I stopped living in the past and my problems, in fact it is pretty much forgotten now, just a distant memory.  I could breathe and appreciate the sunshine. I stopped focusing on my husband so much and felt a lack of care for what he did and didn’t do, not like before.

    i feel Allah guided me and helped me. Depression truly is a disease of the heart, a mental illness that only Allah can cure for good. I know many people who have depression and are riddled with it for life and manage with temporary fixed like meds or therapy.

    Allahuakbar. My doctor does not believe me.

    with my mind and heart healed I’m able to make better decisions in my life which always helps.

    my life isn’t perfect and I have my sad and dad days but none of it is like depression. That is a whole different beast.

     I love my life now alhamdulillah even with all the flaws.

    alhamdulillah  

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    Marah S,

    Well Said! I agree with you wholeheartedly. Very nicely said! :-) It’s so true.

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    Umm of2,

    Thanks so very much for the Ayah. Alhumdulliah! :-)

  • Marah S

    August 18, 2016

    One thing I’ve learned in my short life is that when someone relies on people and the creation to resolve their problems, give them comfort, and overall happiness. They will always find themselves in some kind of depression one way or another. That’s why you see so many people walking around on drugs, addicted to alcohol, committing suicide, dishing out thousands of dollars to see a psychiatrist. That’s because the only one that can actually end a persons sorrow is Allah. A woman doesn’t need people to liberate her from her trials and sorrows. She needs to submit to Allah. Having friends to talk with about your problems is okay. She may even talk for hours and temporarily feel better, but once those friends are out that door the woman is still left alone with her problems. The only one worth complaining to, crying to, and talking to for hours and hours is Allah because in the end Allah is the only one that can end the sadness and make the person happy.

  • Umm of2

    August 18, 2016

    “Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest” Quran 3:28

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    Here is a link to a very good article about the Quran, stress and depression:

    http://www.miraclesofthequran.com/scientific_56.html

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016
  • Umm of2

    August 18, 2016

    Arzoo how do you know what she is thinking in her head 24/7, how do you know she is in fact remembering Allah all day and in everything she does unless you are her and she is you. If a person is in fact remembering Allah that much and following the Quran as Allah commanded us to do it is no way she is still in a deep depression and can’t snap out of it. What you are saying dosent go hand in hand. 

  • Umm of2

    August 18, 2016

    Ana I was thinking the same thing regarding karima situation. She might not want the truth anymore once she gets it. It might be not just be a marriage to her but a whole side family. Allah knows best 

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    Arzoo,

    You said the lady whom you know always remembers Allah. Just how would you know? You’re not with her 24/7. Just because she acts a certain way in your presence or zikr in front of you doesn’t mean it’s what she does all day. You sound like the commentator “Huda” who was here who said the same thing about a lady who was in polygamous marriage for 17 or more years and was depressed and suffering all that time. She said the woman remembered Allah all the time and was pious and righteous.

    Well, something isn’t right then because Allah says that He disposes of the believers affairs towards comfort and ease. He says He heals. He gives believers peace and tranquility. He relieves suffering. Allah’s promises are true. Allah lets us know in the Quran that anxiety and disease is due to a person’s wrong estimation and belief in Him. It’s due to having a diseased heart. So, it makes me question whether the person has the whole story when they say a person is righteous and pious and never sees any relief in her life. Allah doesn’t lie. Regardless of how long it takes, there is some relief for those who serve Allah properly. Women here on this blog can attest to it. Things gradually gets better, if they’re doing the right thing, striving in the cause of Allah and undergoing a personal jihad (battle with self).

    There is more to being righteous and pious that zikring Allah’s name and praying all the time. We have to know what Allah says in the entire Quran, BELIEVE IT and LIVE IT. A child could imitate a person praying and walk around talking like a parrot. What does that mean?

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    Arzoo,

    Who do you think should come together to defend Muslimahs who are feeling isolated when their husbands have become polygamous? I don’t think you’re talking about the very people who are doing the isolating, Are you? They won’t defend something that they are against. I don’t think you’re talking about the women in polygamous marriages who are personally struggling with it, who have no relationship with their co-wives and are barely holding on. Are you?

    The best that a woman who is in a polygamous marriage can do is turn to Allah, turn to the Quran and do as Allah says. Allah is the one who heals. Allah is the one who gives comfort and ease. Only He can do it. The best that a woman can do is what Allah says. 1st, 2nd 3rd and 4th wives are going to have to learn to not be ashamed of what Allah has written for them. They are going to have to learn to ignore ignorance the way Allah tells us to. They are going to have to learn to walk about with their heads held high and be proud to be a Muslimah in a polygamous marriage. It’s not easy to do and it will take time, but it’s doable when the Muslimah stays conscious of Allah and knows what He says and expects of us.

  • Arzoo

    August 18, 2016

    Ana, You are right we should think positive and be thankful for what we have. There are much worse things and more difficult situations than polygyny. I see Muslims coming together and defending their religious rights e.g. Muslimahs to wear hijab then why not also work together and not isolate these Muslimahs whose husbands have chosen to become polygamous. This lady i talk about is a very pious lady. She is always praying. Even when she is doing some housework. She is always remembering Allah. She just doesn’t talk much to people around her and doesn’t go to masjid for the reasons i mentioned. People dont have control over depression. Its not easy to just come out of depression. Different people get affected differently by any kind of trauma. Just like some veterans can have severe PTSD when they return from war while others manage to do ok mentally. She is always praying but she hardly ever laughs or talks :(

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    It’s crazy https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gifThere’s an article that tells one how to lie effectively

    https://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/how-to-lie.html

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    Karima,

    Although you tell your husband that you only want to know the truth- is he married to the woman or not-he may not believe that you will leave it at that. He may not believe that you will accept it; although you say you will. It could be why he continues to lie. He may fear that it will open a can of worms that he’s not willing to deal with if you know the truth. He feels safer in you not knowing.

    I think people are quick to say, just tell me; I won’t have a problem with the truth. They say it only to get the truth, but when they’ve gotten it, all hell breaks loose https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

     

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    Here’s a quick link to a good article about expectations and lying.

    https://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/when-lovers-lie/partners-expectations.html

     

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    I didn’t want to rely solely on what I’ve encountered about infidelity in the US, so I took the time to do a quick search for information about it. I found an interesting article about it:

    https://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html

    Here’s an except:

    It is estimated that roughly 30% to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage (see Buss & Shackelford for review of this research). And these numbers are probably on the conservative side, if you consider that close to half of all marriages end in divorce (people are more likely to stray as relationships fall apart; also see, who is likely to cheat).

    Research consistently shows that 2% to 3% of all children are the product of infidelity (see Anderson). And most of these children are unknowingly raised by men who are not their biological fathers. DNA testing is finally making it easy for people to check the paternity of their children (see paternity issues).

    Infidelity is becoming more common among people under 30. Many

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    Oh, I forgot to mention that one of the Fatima ~ who used to be in a polygamous marriage was targeted as well. Anyhow, Ive put it behind me. I only spoke on it in response to Arzoo’s post. She mentioned the problem she had in trying to copy and paste part of a comment to speak of on here.

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    Umm of2,

    Others comments along with mine were copied, particularly Laila who used to be here and Muhammad’s. My eyes have been opened a lot when it comes to people especially in light of the electorial process now is in effect in the US. There are some very lying and treacherous people out there on this planet.

  • Umm of2

    August 18, 2016

    Karima. You seem so sweet. Hopefully your husband will put it all out there sooner rather than later. I think I remember you saying u shook him down and told him just tell u the truth even if he married her you will learn to accept it and he refused. May Allah change his heart and allow him to come clean with you. I think you deserve it you have been by his side for 18 years. 

  • Umm of2

    August 18, 2016

    Sis Ana were they copying our comments?? That makes absolute no sense. They need to speak for themselves. That’s very scary but thank you for  activating the copy protection for us :)

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    Moipone,

    I now remember Karima telling us that she used to feel sick when it came to having sexusl relstions with her husband after she found out about his other. We women are so much alike. There is a sisterhood. :-)

  • Karima

    August 18, 2016

    Salam sis Ana

    you are so right mashallah thanx for the reminder thanx for your time n effort n thanx to all for thinking of me as I think of you too every day?May Allah make it easy on us n forgive my shortcomings

  • Moipone

    August 18, 2016

    Hi @Karima 

    Wow thank you for your input I am glad to hear you got over the feeling sick gives me hope that I can survive. 

    @Ana I welcome advise from any religion at the end of the day we are all human, I born Christian but I do not call myself one as I lost faith a long time ago. I will closely monitor my health and take it from there. 

    Thank you ladies 

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    We have a lot to be thankful to Allah for. Many of us have husbands who provide for us the way that Allah says they should. Ultimately it’s Allah takes care of us. We have so many blessings from Allah that we take for granted. Just to be safe in our homes and not have to travel to find safety the way those refugees are doing is a true blessing. Many people in Baton Rouge, Louisiana (US) are homeless due to the flooding and 12 or more have died in the recent days that past. People are losing their homes due to flooding, mudslides etc. There is so much war going on and people don’t know from one minute to the next whether they’ll be alive or dead. We all have so many blessings from Allah that we can’t begin to enumerate. I’d take polygamy any day over what many people are subjected to. I’d take polygamy as a test over being diagnosed with some chronic, debilitating illness or loss of eyesight, hearing or a limb. Allah says many don’t thank Him for giving us our faculties. Many don’t thank Him for the rain that He sends down from the sky. We have a lot to think about and a lot to be thankful to Allah for. Yet, women wallow in sadness and are distressed because a husband is allowed more than one wife. What is he having more than one wife in the realm of things? We need to look at the larger picture. It’s hard to see the picture when we are in the picture. Furthermore, we can’t see Allah when our backs are to him and our faces are towards our husband. Women give their husbands too much time in their heads. When we’re remembering our husbands, we aren’t remembering Allah.

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    Arzoo described how some people think and feel about women who live in polygamous marriages. The people whom she described think negatively, act badly towards those in polygamous marriages, and they impose their ignorance on others.

    Women in polygamous marriages must determine whether they’ll follow a way that Allah has made permissible for us to live or will listen to and follow those who oppose what Allah has allowed. They go against Allah and follow their wants, likes and desires.

    Satan has advocates. He has agents (those people whom Arzoo described very well could be Satan’s agent). They deter people from the path of Allah. We either obey Allah or follow Satan and his agents.

    Do we fail or pass the tests that Allah gives us? The tests are for the person who takes it. Allah already knows whether we pass or fail. He created us. He wrote the script.

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    Arzoo,

    I had to put the copy protection on the blog because the administrator of another blog and her people used to copy and paste material from this blog onto her blog for discussion there. I know nothing is 100% fool proof and they could get the material if they’re desperate enough, but at least I don’t make it easy for them any more or if easy still, I’ve taken some precaution. I know it’s an inconvenience for the ladies here unfortunately.

    Arzoo, I understand what you’ve said about it would be easier for women in polygamous marriages if society accepted polygamy and the women had a support group in their community. It however isn’t the case and nothing is ideal in relation to humans on this planet. When we look at situations that existed back in the days of the Prophets, there weren’t many believers. Look at Prophet Lut (Lot) (PBUHH) and his family. They were the only ones who believed and they fled the town before Allah brought down His punishment on those left behind. In Prophet Noah’s (PBUH) time there weren’t many who believed. The Prophets are our examples.

    It would be nice if there were more believers among Muslims and there was a support group in the community, but there isn’t and it’s okay. Allah says He’ll put the believers together. Furthermore, it could be a test for the woman who finds herself in a polygamous marriage without much support or it could be a punishment. Only Allah knows.

    You are correct that there are a lot of people who believe as you stated and place a lot of stigma on women in polygamous marriages. They blame women whether the women are married 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th. The women need to learn to rise above that and not listen to those who don’t listen to Allah. He tells us not to listen to them. We can’t wallow in what is, feel sorry for ourselves and hate our way of life that Allah has prescribed for those in it. We have to learn to listen to Allah. The people turning their noses up at women who follow what Allah says aren’t worth the believers time and trouble in trying to get them to accept our way or to accept us for that matter. Women who follow Allah has to realize there are people who follow the suggestions and footsteps of Satan. The people who look down on us or our way of life, is to be ignored. Allah swt will deal with them in His way and in His time.

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    Karima,

    I’m the king of broken records LOL It’s okay. Talk as much as you want, and talk about the same thing as much as you want, Insha Allah. Talk about the same thing every day. I don’t care. I can only remember once losing it on someone because of what the person kept saying. I’ve since apologized to her and she and I are okay with one another – I think. Well, I can speak for myself. I have no problem with her :-)

    I don’t mean to discourage anyone from talking. I simply need to say what I believe as well. It helps me too. Talk on, Sis.

  • Karima

    August 18, 2016

    Moipone Salam, I feel for you there were times I too wanted to vomit but it got better now. Changing our perspective helps a lot. That’s what Ana Ummof2 Ummof4 n others adviced me here.  Concentrating on our deen on God helps the most.

  • Karima

    August 18, 2016

    Ana sorry if I sound like a broken record… You already adviced me many times on the matter I thank you for that. I just had the need t talk here….

  • Karima

    August 18, 2016

    Ummof2

    at this point that we reached ourselves with so much pain n stress for so many years i actually would prefer he came forward with the marriage n divided time equally between us. If I’d feel worse I d divorce . I like spending time alone I have my own interests I’m busy with kids house n dreams for me n the future.  Sometimes I’m disgusted by him for playing with us sometimes I feel sorry for him n his weakness.  It could be he cares for both or less for me or more for her , who really knows?  I don’t want t waste more time about figuring out his character- obviously I failed knowing him the past 18 years:(  n I failed to know myself but I’m willing to keep trying.I don’t know what’s written for me n us.  It could be that he is coward , thus wronging his soul , me and that woman.

    alahmdulellah for this blog it’s liberating to write these things down

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    Moipone, Hello

    I’m sorry to hear that you get physically ill when you try to have sexual relations with your husband. Trying to get past feeling ill feelings and having negative thoughts about one’s husband having sex with another woman isn’t easy. It’s doable, but most of the time it entails a lot of work on one’s self.

    The husband indirectly has placed you in a bind in that he imposed a way of life on you that not only didn’t you ask for, but probably isn’t part of your religion. I don’t know what religion you are, but I recall you said that you aren’t Muslim. There is no compulsion in religion, meaning no one should impose their way of life on another. He married you and lived one way and now he’s in a polygamous marriage and you got dragged along.

    If your health continues to suffer, you may need to consider leaving the marriage. What I advised as much as possible is from an Islamic perspective. Islam works for all who follows it. I’ll try to help as best I can.

  • Karima

    August 18, 2016

    Salam Ladies

    thanks Ana for your input !!

    Ummof2 currently only two nights a month H goes away for work, that’s what he says.  I don’t believe it’s work.  I feel there s sthng else going on. It used to eat me alive for years. Now much less Alhamdulellah . It could change of course if n when that woman would get pregnant. I m trying not t remember the pain of the past n not to live in my head n not to agonize over the future. Inshallah I’ll take one day at a time. My intention is not to fall in depression over a man- appreciate life appreciate what Allah gave me n seek for his forgiveness for my weak faith. Inshallah it will get better

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    More accurately- severe, agonizing punishment in this world. They don’t have to wait for the Hereafter. It’s serious.

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    When Allah says He gives those who don’t believe in Him, which means believe what He says and do what He says will have a severe penalty in this world and far worse in the Hereafter, what do we think that means? There are many people who call themselves Muslims BUT they don’t believe what Allah says. They question Allah and don’t do as He says.

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    Allah promises good things for the believers. It doesn’t meanwe won’t have trials and hardships, but we will prevail when we are patient. persevere and pray. We have to obey Allah and worship Him to get it.

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2016

    The thing of it is – Allah say tells us not to concern ourselves with the reproaches of others. Those who don’t try to obey Allah and believe won’t accept polygamy and will find fault in it. It’s why believers will try to be with believers – like minded people because non-believers reject Allah and find fault in His PERFECT plan. Forget about those people who don’t accept our way.

    Arzoo that woman who you know that went into depression and never came out was a straight up rejecter of faith. Allah is a JUST GOD!

  • anabellah

    August 17, 2016

    In the US LGBT is acceptable and everything goes. Yes. many people in thr US commit adultery and the men have mistresses.

  • anabellah

    August 17, 2016

    Excuse my errors. I’m on my phone. Way busy now.

  • anabellah

    August 17, 2016

    Arzoo,

    I’ve been living in the US all my life and I know of firsthand cheating and mistresse everywhere in the work place, college, people I know, people I know of, people people tell me about and more. It’s Everywhere and it’s way common. Furthermore, all that one sees of it in movies and TV shows is based on reality. It’s real. Adultery and fornication is rampant. It’s the norm. The motto is- just don’t get caught. Did you just recently move to the US?

  • Arzoo

    August 17, 2016

    Karima, i dont know which culture/country you are from but having mistresses and cheating is not at all common where i come from and havent seen any social acceptance for it in US either. I have lived in multiple states, cities in US. The only place i saw cheating going on was in college campuses among very small percentage of students. Those who believe their sole purpose in college is to sleep with as many people as they can. Those students often came from conservative families and didnt have as much freedom before moving away from parents. 

    In Pakistan, India, Bangladesh etc if a man is having affair or marries second time it is considered a reason for shame for his wife. She feels insulted and people gossip about woman that maybe she didnt meet her wifely duties. She is too simple, doesn’t make effort to look good or if woman is modern career oriented then people blame her for giving priority to career and not her husband. Basically no matter what the woman is like people will talk and blame her only which is very unfair. In these cultures second wives if good looking, young etc then they are considered promiscuous, gold diggers or their parents are greedy who trade their daughter in exchange for large dowries. Other second wives are either past their marriageable age for some reason, widows or not good looking. Basically polygyny is never seen as a normal marriage. This is very wrong and unfair to first wives. They are the ones who suffer most. People in community mostly gossip and dont make much effort to support the woman. Its very hard life for the first wife. I think the only people who might care for her are her parents and children when they grow up :(

  • Arzoo

    August 17, 2016

    What is unfair to women is polygyny being a taboo and not socially accepted or talked about. Thats what is unfair. That is the reason it leads to so much loneliness and isolation. If people considered it normal then women wont feel as much pain. I see mormon wives living together, helping each other in kitchen, taking care of each others kids and in our community women can’t even tolerate being in the same room as the co wife. I think its all because of social acceptance. In mormon polygamous communities thats the norm and people see a lot of families living like that. I am not saying their practice is right. I am just saying social acceptance of polygyny can make it a lot easier for women. Even if its illegal, at least Muslims should come together to make it acceptable and easy on polygynous women. Many still argue and say it was only meant for war times. Only a few accept it as something permissible in all circumstances considering men’s natural tendencies.

     

  • Umm of2

    August 17, 2016

    Karima sometimes ignorance is bliss. What if he is in fact married to that woman. You said he’s with you six days a week. If you knew he might start spending way more time away from you and with her. You have to start counting your blessings sis and try not to let this eat you alive. I know it’s better said than done. But keep making dua to Allah to change your heart if it’s impure or change it until it’s at peace with His Decree :)

    Ladies we have to be very careful questioning and doubting the way Allah set things in place. Allah is perfect. Islam is perfect. We are not. We must blindly follow and accept the commands of Allah. He knows what’s best for us we know not. 

  • Karima

    August 17, 2016

    sorry I meant I remember once being present at:)

  • Karima

    August 17, 2016

    Arzoo I once remembering bring present at s women conversation at work where a lady told the other one when has a male friend married to a beautiful gorgeous body great mom wife n all who has a mistress … She wasn’t getting why he was doing what he was n kept telling him it’s wrong but the guy kept  doing it … I didn’t feel any bad talk on her side they were trying t figure out why this was happening but had no answers….

  • Concerned

    August 17, 2016

    This “not fair” business really grinds my gears. Think about it, what do we do with things we own? We do whatever we want with them. U know why, because there’re ours. Thats what it means to own something, the authority to do what we want with it. People can say its unfair or we shouldn’t have done that but really its their opinion and guess what, thier opinion dont count. On a much grander scale we are owned, we are Allahs creation, He created us, sustains us, causes us to die and will bring us back. We are all Allahs. And He can do whatever He wills with us. He could throw us all in the fire if He willed and it wouldn’t be unfair. Like it wouldn’t be unfair to set ur house on fire, because u own it. U may not like it but dam skipperdy its the truth. 

    And in the words of forest gump “thats all I have to say about that” 

  • Karima

    August 17, 2016

    Arzoo from where i come from GOd is the one to whom women turn to for comfort for all their problems either men cheating financial health problems etc. it’s a culture where they have the one wife but men who are well off financially or less go to prostitutes or women friends etc on n off.’ Like it or not most men have the need needs for that.! Wives prefer that or got used to that somehow or go around n get boyfriends or divorce or turn to God!

     I chose to turn t God n worry about the salvation of my soul n not t waste my life for a man or society or cultural expectations

    I feel better now , Alhamdulellah for this platform 

  • Karima

    August 17, 2016

    i ve Come t the point to say mashallah for the men who engage in polygyny n the women who go with it-!do it openly with outmost respect for each other n their families n do not go around sneaking!!! Alhamdulellah for them

  • Karima

    August 17, 2016

    Alhamdulellah Allah did give a way out of course he did..: alhamdulellah for divorce…: im just not ready for it n dont know if i will be any time soon…. But who knows?!!!!   

    Thanks for listening n commenting sis Ana n Arzoo

    the biggest comfort n hope i have is that indeed if i wasnt facing what i am H would continue Being a mini God for me n i would never turn t Sllah the way i do now n i wouldnt develop n change t the better, is hope ás a person.! Alhamdulellah . The good is more Than the bad- ok h might not love me like before or h might be not satisfied With me- im not With him that happy either-!but no one is perfekt- we want each other Still n we are here n we r trying i guess one way or another. We have no fights no tension alhamdulellah / the good is more alsó for the kids well see what is written for us…

  • anabellah

    August 17, 2016

    Is it unfair that you go to college and someone else who wants to go can’t. Is that unfair? Men can have more than one wife. women can’t have more than one husband. Is that unfair? It’s what Allah decided. Nothing about
    what Allah decides is unfair. Satan is telling you it’s unfair. Do you know better than Allah? Do you think that you should not go to college because someone else can’t? Is that fair?

  • Arzoo

    August 17, 2016

    Ana, i was trying to copy something Karima wrote to quote it in my comment but it didnt work

    Karima, That is the thing that i find most upsetting and unfair about polygyny that men can go on and share a part of their life, their feelings and fulfill physical needs with another person while women struggle with the pain and reality of it alone. Thankfully sis Ana has created this platform where you all can come and share your thoughts. Otherwise where else you would go and who you would talk to about this stuff. Thats what my friend always says is the reason her mom went in depression and never came out of it. No support network and no one who would understand her pain. In real life women dont talk to other women about polygyny because they somehow feel its their fault or something is lacking in them thats why the husband went to other woman. Thats what i understand from only a couple of cases i know in reality. Other people especially women in community are not supportive at all they rather gossip and make the woman feel even worse. My friends aunts and extended family did more harm than provide any help or support to her mother  :(

  • Karima

    August 17, 2016

    Ummof2

    thank You for thinking of me And giving me advice . May God reward You for Your good intentions together With all the sisters here

    its an everyday battle sometimes i can Brush off the negative thoughts n feelings in minutes other times i go to sleep at night crying

    i Wish men could come forward by sharing their stories n help us understand how they are thinking why they are acting they way they do why they can’t feel our pain..:

    im fighting against my low emotions of jealousy … I Hate my self for Being stuck

    here…. What t do With love when there is no trust? …. Sniff….,The disappointment n depression that knocks my door from time to time how t  make it go away?  I understand I should say Alhamdulellah … It hurts I can’t talk to H about my emotions n feelings… I think it’s a dead end so many times I tried in the past most of times I didn’t feel any better.  Th disappointment n realization that we don’t get each other hurts…. The feeling I have for some reason he is not open n honest with me about many stuff hurts… Maybe it’s my fault maybe h feels I don’t understand him etc. Its mutual this feeling.  The difference is he can go to that woman or anyone else but  what about me??? Try n find comfort in my kids? In a hobby? In a job  ( after a year i could look for one ) i understand Allah is whom i should turn to n ask for forgiveness n to make it easy on me..

    thank you for listening . Much love to you

     

  • anabellah

    August 17, 2016

    Moipone,

    Hey there, Sis. I’m so happy to hear from you. As soon as I can I will write. I’m on the road right now. Try not to worry. Everything is going to be ok. I’m glad to hear that you stopped the immigration process. It’s not unusual to be hasty in making decisions. But it will all work out. I think you made a good decision in stopping the immigration situation. I’ll talk with you soon, God willing.

  • Moipone

    August 17, 2016

    @Umm of2 

    No worries, yes that is me. my mother told me not to be bitter about things so I let go of the immigration issue. I was just thinking about praying this morning it used to give me peace, I will start praying again. I am taking Ana’s advise taking it one step at a time and stop wanting all the answers at the same time. 

     

  • Umm of2

    August 17, 2016

    Ohhhhh sis moipone. Are you the sister who’s husband went to another country and you told the authorities about his paperwork or something? My apologies if I’ve mistaken you for someone else. 

    I hope you get into the swing of things. Sometimes it takes years to come to terms but praying to Allah for guidance and perseverance can and will speed up the process. All the best to u. 

  • Umm of2

    August 17, 2016

    Sis karima

    you are doing so well. You totally changed your perspective on the matter. Good for you sis. Just keep your main focus on Allah and only worry about the marriage between you and your husband. Try to look at the good that came out of the situation. Your much more focused on Allah, learning more about Islam and making your salaats regularly. Imagine if you and your husband never encountered any test with that woman. You may not be where you are today. Thank Allah much 

  • Moipone

    August 17, 2016

    Hi ladies 

    Its been a while, I have been busy and I have come to like having my own space while Mr was gone. 

    He came back end of July and it has been awkward, I don’t know how to feel around him and she he tries to get intimate with me I get physically sick like I vomit ladies it has happened a few times. 

    I have asked him to give me time and space he is impatient. My daughter is happy to have her dad home. Hope you ladies have been well and fabulous…https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

  • Umm of2

    August 17, 2016

    Sis Ana i kneeeeeew you were going to write a post the moment I read marah s comment. I was like that statement is gold, Ana is going to elaborate on it. Thanks I think it’s very important. It irritates me though how people can assume you would say such a thing and you never ever said anything close. People have way too much time on their hands. May Allah bless you for your steadfastness and patience with this blog because I know it takes and awful LOT. I would have been packed up shop lol

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2016

    I was in the midst of writing a response to one of Marah S’s posts when I thought it best to write a post/thread based on what she said. I’m sure there are people who read the blog who erroneously think that I want women to believe they are better for being in polygamous marriages than women who aren’t. I wrote the post/thread to make a clarification for those readers out there in cyberspace.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

    https://www.polygamy411.com/piety-and-polygamy/

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2016

    Oh, I see. It’s just weird to me that anyone would get a rise, thrill or orgasm upon hearing of polygamy, but I suppose there are people out there who do LOL

  • Umm of2

    August 16, 2016

    Sis Ana I meant some women get a rise upon hearing of polygamy not that they aspire to be in it but all the drama and ins and out that are attached to it thrills them. I guess because they are not in it. 

  • baseema

    August 16, 2016

    Bronze Muslimah, Ana gave you some great advice! Personally when i think about the guys i know who have been married and divorced 3 or more times, they are really awful but portray themselves as the victim. Have you talked to any of the ex wives? or can anyone talk to at least one of them or their family for you? this sounds really fishy and your comment about having him rather have ten wives than fornicate-what about these women who are just used for his selfish needs and thrown aside?? i dont think it’s great to have gone through ten wives. if a guy can’t control himself that bad?? https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif and 3 divorces by 26 sounds really extreme. i’d steer clear of this guy. you see here by reading everyone’s comments how no one wants to get divorced, they have to be almost pried off their husbands! for him to have 3 divorces at such a young age, something is wrong….please listen to Ana! you are young and have your whole life ahead of you! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2016

    Bronze Muslimah,

    I kind of think you shouldn’t meet with him. If you think now that he may not be a good fit, the last thing you want to do is sit with him, maybe be attracted to him in some way and he in you and you feel inclined to go forward with him in marriage. I think you should be patient and give yourself more time. Don’t be so hasty. Allah says in Quran that man is given to hasty deeds. We tend to act hastily. It’s one of my problems. I do things in haste. I need work on that.

    A man once divorce isn’t bad. When they start going up in numbers of divorces, one needs to raise an eyebrow and wonder. Since you’re still in school and are considering graduate school, why not give yourself some more time? Make duah about it. Have your step-dad and other Muslims put some feelers out there for you for a good God Fearing, God Loving husband.

    I think you could do better than that five times married, divorce guy. You owe yourself more than that. He seems to be an easy come, easy go type of thinking guy. Do you really want that? I don’t think so. I can tell in your writing that you’re a very bright, intelligent young woman. Don’t sell yourself short. Insha Allah, put off the meeting with him for a while. You’ll still have time, if you decide later that you still want to marry him. If he runs off and marry someone else in the interim, it wasn’t for you and thank Allah much :-)

  • Bronze Muslimah

    August 16, 2016

    Thanks so much anabellah, I needed to read those words! Because now it makes me reconsider a lot 

  • Bronze Muslimah

    August 16, 2016

    Anabellah, 

    Naam!!!!! You pointed out some great things and things I needed to wonder about ?????? Wow thank you. Because for sure nobody wants to think in the first argument you get in is he gonna divorce me ? I’m def look for long term my next marriage. I don’t wanna keep on marrying and divorcing I def have some thinking to do! So, the polygyny brother is planning to meet face to face this weekend for a sit down, do you think I should call it out( because now I have some concerns) or should I wait til I see him and get more insight and questions out of him? Idk what I should do lol

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2016

    Bronze Muslimah,

    You should be concerned when it comes to marrying a man who has been married and divorced multiple times because you may go into the marriage feeling insecure with such a man. You know he divorced the other women probably easily. Will he divorce you that easily as well? Would you have to walk about as though you’re walking on egg shells so not to piss him off and cause him to walk (leave you)? Who wants to be in an unstable marriage such as that? Marriage should give one a sense of security.

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2016

    Bronze Muslimah, see, you see for yourself that men being married and divorced so many times speaks volume. You are annoyed by them. Marriage shouldn’t resemble what non-Muslims dating relationships/live-in relationships look like. Divorce is okay. It’s permissible and there is nothing wrong with it, but marriage is supposed to be for keeps. It’s only when all avenues have been exhausted and the parties have given it their all in all that they should walk away from the marriage. Intent is important when it comes to marriage. Does he intend to stay marriage from the onset? Some men seem to think – oh, I’ll marry this one and if it doesn’t work out, I’ll just move onto the next. They don’t take marriage seriously. They don’t try to work through problems. I wouldn’t be surprised if the first time the woman says she wants a divorce, he just goes with it and moves on. Women will threaten divorce or ask for one. Admirable men will not instantly grant a wife a divorce. He’ll try to work with her. Maybe she was on her menses when she asked for the divorce or was just in a slump or something. A woman needs and wants to know that her husband loves her and doesn’t want to lose her.

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2016

    I meant to say that I agree with Karima when she said that the man having been married so many times speaks towards his character. Was he not tolerant, patient, understanding, sympathetic, caring, concerned etc? Your wali should ask what the reason were for his divorceS, if you’re still interested in the man. It doesn’t mean your wali will get honest answers or all the truth. Did he expect his wives to be subservient, submissive wives, for instance?

  • Bronze Muslimah

    August 16, 2016

    Marah S,

    :

    Shukran for reminding me of Asiyah and may Allah reward you for your supplication to me. AMEEN thank you I will take heed to what you are saying. I’m definitely not in a huge rush to settle on anyone yet I am going to take my time but still not prolong marriage as well. For the other brother who I am sitting with he’s 26, he has been married 3 times already. He is good and what I’m looking for but my only thing I’m not so intrigued about is how he’s been married 3 times before.  I’m not looking for someone who hasn’t been married before because I want someone with the experience but it seems like these days most of these brothers been married more than 3 times already (annoyed face) idk I’m still gonna keep my options open though and be patient lol  

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2016

    Bronze Muslimah,

    You’re getting very good advice from everyone here.

    About the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives that you aspire to be like, there are two women who Allah mentions in the Holy Quran that He says were righteous and honorable. As Marah S mentioned, they were Mary the mother of Prophet Jesus (PBUH) and Pharoah’s wife. We know Mary wasn’t in a polygamous marriage. As Marah S said, we don’t know whether Pharoah’s wife was; I only ASSUME (not factual) that she was. If anything we should aspire to be like them. Most importantly, Allah says all of His Prophets are our examples.

    It’s nice that you are open to polygamy and have a healthy optimistic outlook about it. You’re way ahead of the game than many are :-)

  • Bronze Muslimah

    August 16, 2016

    Arzoo,

    thanks for your kind words. Alhamdulilah

    for me, I don’t plan on having children right away. Maybe not for another 4-5 years Allah knows best. But the brother that’s married has children already. It’s not Wajib for me to take care of them but in many polygyny marriages there will be children involved. I come from a large family. My mother had 10 children so being around children is nothing new for me and there is a lot of support and help from my family when I have children I just don’t want any of my own just yet lol and for your last question no, I don’t plan on living with him and his current wife. He believes each wife should have their own living quarters and he would be able to provide that for me. Idk I’m still just thinking about a lot and taking heed to what you sisters are saying 

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2016

    Bronze Muslimah,

    Thank you for elaborating to give us a better understanding of what is happening with you. I in no way was implying that you should be involved with any man, fall in love with him and then marry him. It goes without saying that it is not the Islamic way. There were women here who married “Muslim” men after being involved romantically with them. I didn’t think you were one of them, as you gave no indication that you were. I simply couldn’t understand why you would consider a man married five times and divorced when you hadn’t been in a situation such as the kind we spoke of that started out in a haram way. It’s not the type of marriage most young women seek out unless they were already in love with the man; there were financial issues involved in which she needed someone to take care of her or she was divorced, which is taboo in many Muslim countries etc.

    It’s good to hear that you are looking at other men as a potential husband other than the one who was married five times. You said you’d rather the man be married ten times than commit fornication/adultery; it’s not really the point I was trying to make. Men who go through women as though they were dating are no better than non-Muslims who date. Stamping the word marriage on a dating relationship doesn’t absolve a person of the wrong doing. Those men leave behind women who have children and sometimes find it more difficult to marry again.

  • Marah S

    August 16, 2016

    Bronze muslimah,

    I actually remember reading that the best women islamically speaking were, Fatima, Khadijah, Maryam, and Asiya. 3 out of 4 were known not to be in polygamous marriages. As for Asiya it is unknown whether or not pharoh had other wives while she was married to him. I’m not saying this to take anything away from the wives of the prophet, they were absolutely amazing. But even they struggled in their marriage. Allah warned them in the Quran, that if they did not get their behavior together they may end up divorced and Allah would replace them with women who were better than them. This is to say polygamy is not a fairytale, it can be tough. It’s good to know that you’re keeping your options opened. And that you’re going to school/planning on working. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Inshallah you find a great husband whether he’s polygamous or monogamous. 

    I would personally be careful with a man who has been married and divorced this many times. Sure it’s better than fornicating but it doesn’t speak well about his character. Definitely raises some red flags for me. I think you should keep on looking. Don’t rush and don’t settle for less. Since you’re so young I would advise that if anything about a man is doubtful or seems off, such as being divorced many times. Then just let him go. This is the rest of your life we’re talking about. Don’t take this decision lightly.

     

  • Arzoo

    August 16, 2016

    Bronze Muslimah,

    Thanks for your last message. You live in US, go to college and work! thats awesome! Looks like you know what your are doing and i understand you needing your space and wanting a traditional marriage. Maybe you dont want to be in monogamy so that you have enough time for yourself, your college and work. Do you plan to have children anytime soon well sometime they can come even when we are not planning :) How do you plan t care for children in a polygynous marriage. Do you have family support. Is your mother or a sibling planning to live with you and help or do you have means to employ someone for childcare  while you go to work OR are you planning to live together with first wife and hoping that she will care for your children?

  • ummof4

    August 16, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Bronze Muslimah, I am glad to hear that your walee knows you well.  I am also glad to hear that you are exploring other options for marriage.  Thank you for answering my questions.  May Allah bless you and your walee to find a husband for you who has taqwa of Allah (Allah consciousness – fear of Allah, love of Allah and hope for Allah’s mercy and blessings).  It doesn’t matter if he is monogamous or polygynous.  However, since you are planning on continuing your education in your field of choice, please try to marry a man who will support you in that effort, whether you have children or not.

    May Allah bless all of us with taqwa of Allah and bless us with husbands with taqwa of Allah.

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum Everyone :-)

    Sis Concerned,

    I would really appreciate it, if you would continue to input here. I value your advice, as I do everyone else. You are new here, and I like the way you jumped in and just contributed. Alhumdulliah!  :-) Your input is very helpful, and I thank you for being here. We need you to continue to speak up. You’ve made very good points.

    Umm of2,

    I suppose there are women out there who view polygamous marriages as you described. I can’t get with that thought pattern. It’s just me. I was the type of person who the thought of polygamy gave me anxiety when I thought of it for myself.  So, someone who has an optimistic view of polygamy without being in it, and is trying to get in it, is strange to me. It could be what is happening with Bronze Muslimah as you suggested. Maybe there are women out there who see polygamy through rose colored glasses and glamorize it.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Bronze Muslimah

    August 16, 2016

    Arzoo,

    I have a few reasons why I am interested in it. Im not considering it just yet though. As we all know, the best of the believing women were wives of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and were in polygyny marriages. For that reason alone makes me intrigued about it because I want to strive to be like them. But also, to be frank I’m a different type of girl. I like what must people hate and Im interested in stuff people are afraid to try. Also, Im not a clingy spouse I feel like I need my space ( lol) and there are other reasons too. But for your questions, yes I am in my senior year of university and I intend to go to graduate school after this if Allah wills it and yes I am also currently working as well. I am living in MD at the moment. Do you think there is no good in polygyny marriages? Let me know your thoughts. This is why I came to this site to know the raw about everything. Thanks for your time in advance.

  • Karima

    August 16, 2016

    Sis Bronze

    the new u Shared seems to be alarming. He sounds t be a man who uses n throws women easily away or that the two wives get rid of any new comer… My God I would never ever think women could work together   For such a cause….!!!!:(((

    pls listen to Ana and all the sisters ask urself the questions they put for u reflect have ur wali advice u n ur family . Don’t rush with this matter . He doesn’t seem to be all that pious to me if I’m wrong pls forgive me

  • Bronze Muslimah

    August 16, 2016

    Anabellah,

    Thank you for your message. To clarify, no, the brother only has one wife at this moment. I said first wife meaning his first ever wife he got married to which was many years ago. I would be the second wife because he is already married  if I decide to pursue this marriage. And on your point about the many marriages, yes this is a concern of mine as well but to be honest I rather HE married 10 times if need be than to fornicate or commit adultery. Marriage safe guards one self and guards chastity. Your other point, yes he is an older brother, older than me and I frankly do no want any brothers my age because they are immature, not established and not on my same level. Your next point, I would like to clarify I do not live in a Muslim Country I live in the united states and so does he and I do not consider myself unattractive or undesirable. Im aware I can have any man I want, but thats not my mentality. Im not solely attracted to looks. Im more so attracted to how a man can stimulate my mind, has good character, stand up and be a man, own up to responsibilities, work a decent job, provide for his family all while fearing Allah. Your other point about being in love with him first to know if I am attracted to him is not how I intend to go about marriage. Firstly: The relationship that develops between a man and a non-mahram woman, which people call “love” is a combination of haraam things that transgress shar’i and moral limits. No wise person will doubt that this relationship is haraam, because it involves a man being alone with a non-mahram woman, looking at her, touching her, kissing, and speaking words filled with love and admiration, which provokes desire.  This relationship may lead to things that are more serious than that, as is happening nowadays.

    Secondly: 

    Studies have shown that most of the marriages that are based on prior love between a man and woman fail, whereas most marriages that are not based on haraam relationships, which people call “traditional marriages”, succeed.

    I think that if a marriage is based upon an illicit premarital relationship, it will most likely be unstable and will not be successful.  And a sister on here just pointed out how emotion and love blinds one from seeing faults and problems.  

    Moreover, I am actually sitting with a different brother as well, he is unmarried and a bit younger than the brother who is in a polygyny marriage. I just want to weigh out my options. Im not settling on anyone yet I  just wanted to come on this blog to get some insight on polygyny and see if this is something I really want to get into.

    Sorry for this lengthy message I just needed to clarify a few points.

  • Umm of2

    August 16, 2016

    Concerned sis you made me laugh out loud in ur last post 

  • Umm of2

    August 16, 2016

    Sis Ana you asked some valid questions. I think some people get a rise upon hearing the word polygamy. They think joint family, just husband, one big happy family, a lot of kids running around one father different mothers. Everything is not black n white

  • Arzoo

    August 16, 2016

    Bronze Muslimah, You already got very good advice from everyone. Like Ana asked please help us understand why you 20 year old divorced once are considering a 5 time married man? Please tell your step dada to also look for other brothers. maybe someone who is divorced himself and would not have any problems considering you for marriage. Also dont rush into anything you are only 20 year old. Do you go to college or work? If not maybe start college. If its too expensive for you then get enrolled in a short course or a training class of your interest. If you do not plan to work outside home in future then you can take classes that will help you as a homemaker e.g. cooking or gardening. The participants here are from many different countries and cultures. It will also help us to know which part of the world you are from. We can give you advice accordingly. 

  • Concerned

    August 16, 2016

    Ana 

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif on your last post. As well that theres a misconception that a woman who shares a husband is more pious than one who doesn’t/doesn’t want to. 

    Bronze muslimah.

    He either like to drop them like hot potatoes or he and his wife work as duo not a trio. Or he has 2 wives who work as a team to get rid of the newcomer. Sounds to me that either way ur f@@ked. Ill leave it to others here. They got this. Listen to them

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2016

    I erred below. It was suppose to be undesirable. Sigh

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2016

    Bronze Muslimah,

    If you haven’t been seeing or dating the guy the way some women do and then they fall in love, what is your attraction to this married man other than – he is supposed to be God fearing and God loving? If he is all of that, why has he had so many marriages over a short period of time – unless he’s a much older gentleman who has been married off and on over many years?

    Are you interested in him because you are divorced, live in a Muslim country in which divorce is taboo and you think you won’t be able to find another husband? Or, do you think you are unattractive and desirable and need to take what you can get? I ask because, if you haven’t been involved with the man already and you haven’t fallen in love with him, then what is drawing you to a polygamous marriage with a man with two wives and children? Is it that your step-dad needs you gone and the potential mate has the means to take care of you and take you off his (your step-dad’s) hands?

    I don’t get how a young lady like you wouldn’t seek out an unmarried man for marriage when there is a plethora of them out there. I’m wondering because I didn’t get married till I was much older. I turned down many men who asked me for marriage. Being older, I still married a single man who wasn’t married and stayed unmarried to anyone but me for a number of years. Why do you feel a need to marry a married man as young as you are and you’re not already in love with him? The man you’re looking to marry isn’t the only God fearing, God loving man out there (if he is one). https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Umm of2

    August 16, 2016

    I was about to ask the same as sis ana. He has a lot of divorces under his belt that would definitely raise a red flag for me. 

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2016

    Bronze Muslimah,

    I get an eerie feeling knowing he’s been married three times beside the two that he’s in now, if I understand correctly then you will be the third wife. If he marries you, you’ll be the sixth marriage that he’s had. Every now and again we hear on this blog of men who go in and out of marriages as thought they were dating, doing the dating game. When things get tough and rough, they easily dissolve the marriage and move onto the next. It’s been known to happen in an Islamic community that I’m somewhat familiar with in the area in which I live. The men don’t invest much time and energy into the marriages because the marriages are so easy to get in and out of.

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2016

    Bronze Muslimah,

    I’m a bit confused. Does he currently have two wives and you will be the third? You said he’s married to the current wife for 8 years and his first wife for 6. Please forgive me for not understanding.

  • Bronze Muslimah

    August 16, 2016

    Karima, 

    naam this is great advice on here BarakAllahu feekum https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • Bronze Muslimah

    August 16, 2016

    umm of 4, and jasmina 

    thanks for your welcome and responses! for your questions umm of 4, he has been married 5 times total including his current wife. 8 years with her and 6 with his first wife. I’m not sure the length of the other  3 but it’s a good question to ask. But his stability with his current and first wives stood out to me.  My Wakil is my stepdad so he knows me pretty well. The brother I’m sitting with is a student and gives dawah so my step dad thought he’d be a good fit based on his commitment to Allah. I haven’t yet met him in person yet but this weekend we are planning to meet for the first time so Jasmina for your concerns about me being in love with him, I am not because I haven’t even seen him yet lol and we only been sitting for about 2 weeks. Thanks for looking out and telling me your feedback! Much appreciated. When I see him InshaAllah I plan to ask the necessary main questions. Any recommendations? 

  • Karima

    August 16, 2016

    Salam

    ummof2 thanx for asking me n Kids where on holidays t see my parents for a month. We came a few days ago. We arrived having kids getting sick one after the other so the weekend was about them then the week start so back t work routine for H n me in the House With the kids.  He is giving me all my rights n i try to be nice to him attentive n supportive.  He has some issues at work with. The employees doesnt say Much . Yesterday he met an old friend n his family by accident in the street n out of the blue the wife collapsed fainted n basically had a stroke died few hours later. Called me crying about that came at midnight With blood spots on him. We are under shock especially he is…. Sis im not asking about that woman n hes not Saying anything so either are secretly married n if n when Allah wishes ill know of it or they are cimitting zina on n off…. Im Very tired n exhausted i try not t think about it n Leave it in my Head cause i dont have answers

  • Jasmina

    August 16, 2016

    Aisha,

    thinking of you! I hope your not feeling too sick with the pregnancy. I had morning sickness for majority of my pregnancy and later I found out that I also had anxiety which made it heaps worse. 

  • Jasmina

    August 16, 2016

    Bronze

    if I may answer your questions as well…

    1) if I had a choice and could go back I would NOT put myself into polygamy at all. I’m a first wife however if I knew I’d married someone else who didn’t have plans of polygamy. Having said that it is Allah who decides the outcomes and our fate and after many years of struggling to understand my hardships I now see that it has been for the best and I would not exchange my journey. I made stupid decisions and I have learnt to live with them now and I’m grateful to Allah for what I have. It’s complicated lol, but I guess the simple answer is if I had a choice I would regret it but I didn’t have a choice so there’s nothing to regret. If that makes sense. Also my only regret which I did choose was to let go of certain rights at the time to make it easier for my husband, that I regret because I never got my rights back until now many years later. Guard your rights.

    2) NO WAY I would not recommend polygamy for a young sister like you…. Only because I have been there in my early 20s and it’s hard if the man turns out to be weak. The thing was that I was madly in love with my husband and it was hard for me to walk away. So if you can try not to fall in love and enter knowing what boundaries you will set before calling it quits then all good. The problem lies when you fall in love with a man and you get blinded. 

    If there truly are no available single guys then yes but if there are single guys as an option then why enter into something so difficult. Do istikhara. 

     

  • ummof4

    August 16, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Welcome, Bronze Muslimah.  In answer to your question about age, I don’t think it matters – young or old, polygyny is a test for all involved.  You say that the man you are planning to marry has been married in polygyny before, but not now.  A good piece of information for your walee to find out is how many times the man has been married and for how long each time.  How long has he been in his present marriage? Did he divorce his wives or did they divorce him?  You don’t need to get into details, just the basic information.  Is your walee your father, a close relative, or someone appointed?  How well does the walee know you?  It makes a difference when helping to decide to marry or not.

    Everyone have a good day striving to do what Allah has commanded us to do in the way that He has commanded us to do and to avoid what He has commanded us to avoid.

  • Bronze Muslimah

    August 16, 2016

    Marah S, 

    Shukran for your message! I appreciate the feedback greatly. I liked a few points you pointed out about making sure I’m not deprived of my rights and don’t underestimate my own jealously. That’s good advice Alhamdulilah. And Naam, I intend to meet her soon and I will take what you said into consideration for sure. May I ask are you currently involved in polygyny? Do you have any regrets? And do you suggest polygyny for a young sister like me? BarakAllahu feekum  

  • Bronze Muslimah

    August 16, 2016

    Concerned, 

    shukran for your message. I will take heed to what you’re saying. I appreciate this. And AMEEN 

  • Tasliyman

    August 16, 2016

    Concerned 

    I use to wonder if my husband had a split personality.  I noticed that he was different with the first wife than he was with me. There were times I wondered who the real him actually is.  

    He’s not good with one and bad with the other – just different. 

    I suppose its not completely abnormal then. 

     

     

     

  • Umm of2

    August 16, 2016

    Karima sis how are things if you don’t mind my asking. I hope everything goes uphill from here on out. 

  • Concerned

    August 16, 2016

    Bronze muslimah

    So far so good. You’ve had a relationship before and they’ve experienced polygamy before so they’ve got their feet wet. Im a 1st wife so didnt ask any questions relating to polygamy. Because she been there done that I dont think the meeting needs to be any more than just to introduce yourself. I hate when the women bark orders and rules at each other, the man NEEDS to be the final decision maker. You both should give him your advice and let him conclude. 

    I dont think asking what kind of husband he is, is a good question. Only cuz two (or more) women can be married to the same man but have completely different relationships. He may be one way with her and another with you. Some people can bring out a different side to you. U wanna look for honesty, the ability to make decisions, and take advice a love for the deen. 

    I dont have anything else to add. It just gonna take getting used to. I wish you the best. 

  • Umm of2

    August 15, 2016

    Bronze muslimah

    If the wife agrees to meet with you then that’s fine. Just don’t have any expectations. Yes I’m in a polygamous marriage and the worst mistake I made coming into it was having expectations. I thought we would be good friends and live happily ever after. We threw each other birthday parties, gifted each other, I was on a high thinking my expectations were being fulfilled but Allah reminded me HE was in charge. We are not enemies but not besties either. Cordial. We can sit in the same room and not gauge each other’s eyes out, we can laugh together and share experiences. So Alhumdullilaah it took A LOT to get to this place. Like concerned said if you don’t go in with STRONG I MEAN STRONGGGG faith/Imaan you’re toast because from the second you say I do shaitan makes it his mission to whisper sweet nothings in your ear. Unless of course you seek refuge from shaitan and stay in constant remembrance of Allah He will guide you all the way :) just be prepared sis. Don’t go in thinking he will be 100 percent just or he will love y’all equally because it’s not going to happen. He will love you more or less than his other wife. Just be grateful either way. The tables are always revolving. Please don’t compete for his love and affection it will just place distance between you two and it takes away the time and energy you are supposed to be focusing on Allah. Allah is where we come and to Him we will all return to. Love Allah. Thank Allah. Praise Allah. Allah is the Greatest 

  • Karima

    August 15, 2016

    Dear Bronze muslimah

    the sisters gave Very good advice pls read the whole blog n reflect on it. May Allah guide u and give u a righteous husband

  • Bronze Muslimah

    August 15, 2016

    Concerned,

    Thanks for your message and feedback. First thing you said was “don’t do it” lol thank you for you honesty but I’m interested in polygyny for several different things. This won’t be my first marriage, I was married before but I am no longer married MashaAllah. As I said, I’m looking for a husband who is commited to Allah and strives every day and someone who will treat me right because of his fear for Allah. Now if this brother happens to be in a polygyny marriage then Alhamdulilah but if I can find someone that isn’t then Alhamdulilah. My first preference isn’t I want to be in a polygyny marriage I just want a husband who will give me my rights and help me get to Jannah InshaAllah. To my knowledge, this will not be his first time in a polygyny marriage so he has had the experience already but I have not. He mentioned that his wife is very easy going and below the radar but that doesn’t mean that she will be welcoming with open arms. So yes, I have to keep that in mind and not expect for her to take everything in and be 100% fine with everything. It’s a lot to take into consideration I’m sure of that. Are you currently in a polygyny marriage? What were some things you asked your husband before marrying him and what did you want to know about the co? Thanks in advance 

  • Bronze Muslimah

    August 15, 2016

    Jasmina, 

    thanks for your kind words. Naam, I totally agree with what you said. I am definitely seeking a brother who is commited to Allah and someone who will treat me right because of his fear of Allah. For sure I will continue to read up on this blog and get more insight InshaAllah 

  • Marah S

    August 15, 2016

    Bronze Muslimah,

    The most important thing which I forgot to mention is don’t underestimate your own jealousy. Even if you think you won’t be jealous now, things will be completely different once you’re in polygamy. The shaytan will start whispering to you and trying to cause problems. You should focus the majority of your time and love on Allah. Don’t make your life about your marriage or your husband. Make your life about Allah, give all your love to Allah, put all your trust in Allah. Your husband is nothing but a human being and he is bound to disappoint you. You are likely to face hardship in your marriage whether it’s monogamous or polygamous. The best way to stay strong and not to go crazy is to read the Quran and worship Allah with sincerity. 

  • Marah S

    August 15, 2016

    Bronze Muslimah, Welcome! I see things a little differently than some other women. I think it’s great that you aren’t afraid of polygamy, if this is what you want then don’t be scared to go for it. There are women who prefer polygamy for different reasons. But keep in mind that polygamy in Islam is no better than monogamy. So It won’t necessarily be more rewarding. A woman in a polygamous marriage is not better, more righteous, or closer to Allah than a woman in a monogamous marriage by default. Polygamy and monogamy are both allowed in Islam one is not better than the other. 

    Some things to keep in mind is that polygamy can be difficult, even for women who go into it with the best of intentions. It may be even harder for your co-wife. This situation may be devastating for her and she may not react well. You should be understanding of her feelings. It could take months or even years for her to find happiness again, and during that time she may not be very nice to you. It may be very difficult on your husband as well and he may fall short a lot, especially if his first family don’t react well to the change.

    The best advice I can think of is for you to learn about your rights as a wife and make sure you’re getting all of them from the very beginning. Do not allow your husband to deny you any of your rights. Being a second wife doesn’t mean you’re entitled to less. Allah gives us these guidelines to protect us, the biggest disservice you can do for yourself is to give up what Allah has given you.

    Its good to hear that you plan to eventually meet or talk with your co-wife. I think it’s important to make sure your co-wife knows her husband is getting married and also make sure his family knows about you as well. Have a wedding with both sides of the family involved. This is the best way to make sure you won’t be a secret wife, and avoid huge issues in the future.

    When it comes time to talking to his wife, go easy on her, you can ask anything but don’t be too pushy. If you do marry this man, give her lots of space, don’t try to force a friendship, give her the opportunity to choose for herself what type of relationship she wishes to have with you. Don’t be too pushy with the children either. It may take time for your husband and his wife to decide that you can meet them and have a relationship with them.

    These are just a few things I can think of off the top of my head. All of these are things I’ve learned from reading and keeping up with this blog. You should go back and read some previous discussions and articles.

  • Bronze Muslimah

    August 15, 2016

    Umm of2, 

    thanks for your message! I understand what you are saying totally. So do suggest that I don’t speak with his current wife while we are sitting with eachother or not at all? We are not intendeded as of yet, I’m still considering my options but I was thinking of speaking with her because they have been married for 8 years and she would probably know him best. Just wanted to ask her things like what type of husband is he what type of father is he and so on. And perhaps if we were to get married then I’d like to develop a friendship with her and become cordial. We(me and the brother) live in 2 different states ( 2 hours away from eachother) so I wouldn’t probably see much of her anyway but I’d still like to know her. May I ask, are you currently in a polygyny marriage or have been before? What do you think is the best thing about and what is the worse? 

    Barakallhu feekum 

  • Concerned

    August 15, 2016

    Bronze muslimah.

    I hope you get a good co (like mine) first wives can really be a nasty piece of work (so can 2, 3 and 4). If she cant handle it ur gonna get the blunt end of the stick and ALLL her angerand hate will be directed at you. Yoy have to have patience with her. One day she could be lovely, smiling etc. The next she she will want to set fire to you. We can do some crazy ass stuff. I wouldn’t want u to be on the receiving end of her pain. The first few years (4 or 5) she will more than likely  be mentally, emotionly unstable. 

  • Concerned

    August 15, 2016

    Bronze muslimah

    My advice is dont do it. Yes, you are young and imo far too young to enter such a messy, difficult situation. There is beauty in polygamy but theres also a lot more ugly. Theres loads of people out there frontin, they dont tell you how they REALLY feel, cuz it ent socialy acceptable as muslims. No, we dont wont to admit that were on the verge of a mental breakdown. Iv done it, so I know. It can get better but its a looooooong road paved with deoression and misery. If you do go ahead I hope you make it to the end with your sanity and deen. I doubt you’ve had any experience in a relationship before and I think anyone so young would be crazie to have polygamy as their first relationship. You are literally throwing urself in at the deep end and if you dont have strong iman and I mean STRONG ur gonna drowned. Having a husband and co that r strong in deen helps but if your not its gonna be a decision you WILL regret. Theres a lot to polygamy NO ONE sees and definitely dont feel. You may think you only need to share time etc, but noooooo. It dont work like that. Save yourself the stress. 

    Think about things like pregnancy, im sure u wont children. 1,2,3 days after giving birth he gonna leave to his other wife. Leavin u a first time mom to care for the child. Im a first wife so I had all the support etc when I gave birth. I couldn’t imagine being left in a hospital bed bleeding while he went off to my co. And you being so young just worries me. You sound so nice and enthusiastic. If u no any1 who os polygamous  (a woman) give her a little prod and ask for the truth about how she feels. Dont let them push it aside with a “you have your bad days but………” what she means is days you can just about breath through the pain. Read anas book and monogamy to polygamy. Thats the norm, it can be a lot worse. 

    Thats my opinion. 

  • Jasmina

    August 15, 2016

    I think Bronze Muslimah just seek a husband that practices Islam and will treat you right and provide and be good to your children and your family. There’s no need to see out a polygamous man over a single man or vice versa. That’s not what defines a great marriage by any means, seek a husband not just a married man or not just a single man. To think that by entering into polygyny you are automatically entering into a marriage that will be more rewarding and meaningful or successful is just flawed. 

  • Umm of2

    August 15, 2016

    In reading here you would realise it’s not necessary to try and get all honkey dorey with the co and get all up close and personal. You intending to marry her husband, splitting her time with him in half, him starting a whole other family with you is in itself a gigantic pill to swallow. It takes getting used to. Your future co may not want the proof in the flesh right before her asking questions. That’s just my opinion. It takes time. Wish u the best sis. Please read the entire blog. It’s for your own good. 

  • Umm of2

    August 15, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum all

    Bronze muslimah welcome sis. The best advise I can give you is to read this blog from top to bottom and back again. There’s so much valuable information from the sisters here who have been through it, going through it, or overcame the pain you experience at first. It’s a roller coaster but it’s worth the ride. I have no doubt your questions will be answered if you read everything here. You are already starting off on the right foot by having your wali present throughout this journey. The best to you and may this work out for you IF it’s best for you. Only ALLAH knows. 

  • Bronze Muslimah

    August 14, 2016

    Anabellah, 

    shukran for your kind words! I have been married once before and I do not have any children. However he has several and I was wondering if you or anyone else has/had a personal experience of something similar. Also, should there be any questions/concerns I should ask him while we’re still in the beginning stages? 

  • anabellah

    August 14, 2016

    Bronze Muslimah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome! It’s nice that you are here. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    First, I want to say it’s good to hear that you are going about marrying the right way in having a wali as part of the process the way it should be done.

    About what to ask the other wife if you have a sit down with her, it’s entirely up to you. What do you want to know? It’s what you should as her.

    It’s important that you know that although she may be going along with you marrying the man whom she is married to, she will have some problems in coping. It’s just natural and normal. You will, as well.

    Anything new brings with it new problems and challenges. She’s not going to know how she’s going to feel or handle it because it hasn’t happened yet. The same goes for you.

    It’s nice that you have a positive, optimistic outlook about it. You both will have to get adjusted to being in a polygamous marriage. It would be the same even if you was going to be in a monogamous marriage. Marriage takes some getting acclimated to. Marriage is part of a journey in life, the same as a person going from being single to married or married to divorce. It’s a transition.

    Maybe others here will share their views, as well. If you have any more questions, Insha Allah, don’t hesitate to ask. Again, welcome to our blog family :-)

  • Bronze Muslimah

    August 14, 2016

    As salaamu alaykum everyone! 

    This is my first post but I’m happy to be here.

    Literally googled “polygyny in Islam blogs” and this wonderful site came up. I’m so glad I found it. I am a 20 year old sister who is interested in polygyny. I know I’m young lol but I’ve seen the beauty in those relationships and I’m willing to take it on and I love what Allah loves and hates what Allah hates. So, I am currently sitting( having sit downs) with a brother who is already married and has children and is seeking another wife. I am very impressed with him and his commitment to Allah. He is a student who graduated from the university of Madinah Alhamdulilah. I have not met his wife as of yet( me and the brother have only had a few sitdowns over the phone with my wali present) but I really want to. My questions are when I do get the chance to meet her, what are some questions/concerns I should speak with her about ? And if anyone has any advice or the likes of that please feel free to share! I want to know it all about polygyny the good and bad. I want to know what I’ll be signing up for if Allah decrees me and the brother get married. BarakAllahu feekum https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

  • Karima

    August 14, 2016

    Sis Aisha congratulations on your pregnancy! I can only imagine how stressful n happy period of your life it must be…-Alhamdulellah you have your family for you that’s amazing mashallah.  Never meet him or her during ur pregnancy alone not to risk they ll beat the baby out of you:( I cannot imagine how people can be so cruel they must be psychopaths:(

  • Concerned

    August 14, 2016

    Jasmina

    Id disagree, its known that some evil people single out one child and treat them cruel. Aisha husband and his wife have proved they are capable of cruelty. There is a chance they could mistreat the baby and as a mother I wouldn’t take that chance. 

  • Jasmina

    August 13, 2016

    You said he had babies with other women, how he interacts with them is probably the best indicator of how he will involve himself with you and the baby. 

  • anabellah

    August 13, 2016

    Those two lunny tunes (your husband and his other) may try to beat the baby out of you. Don’t go near those psychopaths.

  • anabellah

    August 13, 2016

    I agree; don’t let that woman anywhere near your child!

  • Concerned

    August 13, 2016

    Aisha

    Dont even consdier adoption or anything like it, no way jose. You’ve wanted a baby for ages. Being a single parent can be hard, but not as hard as living with two crazies. You got through that, you can get through parenthood. You’ve shown patience, so its probably prepared you for a baby lol. I think you’ll be wonderful mother from what iv read of you. 

    I would document his messages and previous behaviour. You cant take away his right but if he is a danger to you and the baby he would have to be supervised and I dont mean his crazy wife. I cant believe she sat and watched you be abused. Dont matter how much you dislike someone only an evil person would allow abuse in front of their eyes. Dont allow her around the baby, I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her. 

    Congratulations on the pregnancy. In shaa Allah, he/she will be the dryness of your eyes. May Allah make he/she a rightous muslim. Dont forget to rest……and buy cute clothes lol

    P.s invest in a few pairs of leggings and jogging bottoms, they’re a dream in late pregnancy  (and probably the only thing that will fit you lol) 

  • Aisha

    August 13, 2016

    I don’t think I would ever consider giving my baby up for adoption.. I’m already so attached to it lol

    i keep telling myself I don’t need him I can do this on my own inshaAllah… i have an amazing family Alhamdulillah they are so supportive and I put my complete trust in Allah. 

  • Aisha

    August 13, 2016

    JazakAllahu Khyran sister for all the amazing support and advice! I’m from the UK and Alhamdulillah I am entitled to many rights.. I haven’t even thought that far right now im just trying to focus on my health (the sickness is a nightmare). I’m SoOOOo tempted to telling my co wife that I’m pregnant and then forwarding his messages on, thinking she is a mother of two surely she will feel some sort of guilt but then I remember everything she had put me through along with her husband she will most likely encourage the abortion… 

     

  • ummof4

    August 13, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Aisha, congratulations on your pregnancy.  Try to live it with as little stress as possible.  As far as your husband, I agree that you should seek legal assistance to divorce him if that is what you want to do.  In regards to the child, according to Islam, you cannot strip him of his parental rights and he cannot strip you of your parental rights.  Please do not consider giving your child up for adoption, that’s your baby that you have been wanting for a long time.  I believe you will make the best home possible for your child and no one can love or take care of your child better than you can.

     

     

  • ummof4

    August 13, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Secretary, I am glad that you are making salatul istikharah.  However, the answer does not come in a dream (as some people say), it comes in the ease or difficulty of you carrying out the decision.  You say that your prospective husband wants to have a baby with you after he returns from back home.  It sounds as if now he realizes that you are waking up to your possible reality and he wants to make sure he keeps you and what you have to offer him.  What happened to you and he agreeing that you would not have any children due to your age?  You’ve gotten older, not younger in the past few months and will continue to get older.

     

  • Tasliyman

    August 13, 2016

    Secretary,

    I dont mean to pry but is he still planning on marrying the second wife if you agree to have a child with him when he returns?

     I’m assuming he meant get married and then have a baby. 

  • Umm of2

    August 13, 2016

    Baseema you made me laugh out loud when you said how about adoption Lol. It’s her child, like ana said I think you meant primary custody. 

  • Tasliyman

    August 13, 2016

    Baseema I’m a bit confused.

    Do you mean she should give the baby up for adoption as in let two other people raise the child? Or she should adopt the child so that the father has no say over the child? 

  • anabellah

    August 13, 2016

    To adopt a baby is to obtain somebody’s else’s baby legally. I think what some of you mean is that she should get primary custody of the child. I don’t know laws in other countries. If she is in the United States, once the baby is born she could apply for primary custody of the child. The father would still be allowed to see his child. They’ll have joint custody. Anyway you look at it the child is still his as well. If she lives in an Islamic country and it’s believed that the father can take the child, then I would say that she should seek an attorney to safeguard her right to keep her child. I’m not one to believe that a man has a right to automatically take a woman’s child based on any type of law.

  • baseema

    August 13, 2016

    omg aisha! i just read your post! you better do something to protect your baby from that man! you’re worried about protecting his rights as a father??? are you serious??? if that man hurts you, he will surely hurt his child! get an order of protection and cut all ties. go see a lawyer and cut his parental ties or seek an adoption. the lawyer can send him  a letter asking for money or an end to parental ties. if you don’t do something and the baby ends up being abused by  his father, it’s on your hands as well! this innocent life growing within you needs protection. do it NOW! please see a lawyer asap!! how could you make a baby with this man?? bring an innocent life into this mess, aww. please fix it now!

  • baseema

    August 13, 2016

    Aisha, how about adoption? then you are not tied to him and the baby has 2 parents who want him/her? it would be a very unselfish act for your baby. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifIf you are not able to do that, ask him to sign away his parental rights. Do you really want your baby at their house half the time? Get a lawyer either way.

  • Jasmina

    August 13, 2016

    Ditto —> Ana’s last comment. Marriage license baby!

  • Karima

    August 13, 2016

    He is so desperate!!! I agree Ana!!!  Where s the wedding ring? First let him marry you islamically and legally immediately n then you can try for a baby… U said ill have a pre nupt agreement if I’m not mistaken… Let’s see if he won’t change his mind

    pls sis no matter how much in love u are with him Now protect yourself don’t let him trick you!! May Allah protect u

  • anabellah

    August 12, 2016

    Tell him you want to get married right away and be legal wife with a license. Lets see how that works for him…

  • anabellah

    August 12, 2016

    Sounds like he wants to trap you, so he won’t risk losing you. He wants to secure his position with you. I thought he said he didn’t want you to risk having a baby and it’s what cousin wife will be for.

  • Umm of2

    August 12, 2016

    Secretary, your intendant is killing me with his desperate ways. He needs to put a ring on it first. You should read the Quran in your native language sis there’s so much to learn, so much more you deserve, rights for women. Allah speaks on every aspect of life before creation up until this world is no longer. What is the rush with this guy. 

  • Secretary

    August 12, 2016

    Tasilyman,

    Thank you.  I’m sincere.   I wish everyone happiness and well being.   I love Allah and believe in him.  I just need help learning Islamic law.   I’m trying to understand and am compassionate.

  • Secretary

    August 12, 2016

    Salaam alaikum sisters,

    Reflecting on everything that has been said here and it finally hit me.  I understood being Muslim meant surrendering to Allah (worshipping only one God), Muhammad (peace be upon him ) is his messanger (a prophet), praying five times a day,  giving zakat, fasting  (Ramadan ) and going to Mekka if you can.  I’m a Muslim!  Lol.

    No one every mentioned Islamic rights! 

    I have so much to learn about Islam.

    I apologize for my ignorance and hope I didn’t offend any women.  

    I may be ignorant enough to give up rights that I didn’t know I was entitled to but the SECOND WIFE, not likely!!!

    Now I understand why you sisters were trying to protect me.

    I’m praying the decision making prayer  (two nights already).  No dreams yet but my future husband asked me if I would have a child with him when he returns from back home.  

  • Arzoo

    August 12, 2016

    I meant “if it comes to your word against his..”

  • Arzoo

    August 12, 2016

    Aisha, Congratulations! and i am so sorry you had to go through all that abuse that too in front of the cowife. I am not sure what country you are in. Are you going to a western court or islamic council for any future disputes. Either way protect yourself now. Report your abuse to the imam, islamic council or court whatever your preffered venue is to seek justice. Report that he is telling you to abort so that later he cannot come claim the child using his rights as a father. That way he will be held accountable for abuse and for not wanting this child. If you let too much time pas it will become difficult to prove the abuse. Save his texts etc. and make a diary with details of events that happened. What he said to you, when he physically abused you and circumstances in detail so that if it comes to your work against his your word is the one that has details and shows that you are the one telling truth. I know at this time you want to avoid stress so dont be stressed but be strong for your child and for her/his future. Allah helps those who help themselves. May Allah protect you from any future abuse or stress and bless you with a healthy baby and peaceful life!

  • Jasmina

    August 12, 2016

    P.s. Aisha congratulations on the baby. It is a true gift from Allah. 

  • Jasmina

    August 12, 2016

    Walaikum assalam Aisha

    so GREAT to hear from you, we certainly do think of you often here on the blog. 

    Man what a roller coaster ride you have been through. I’m sure that as time progresses your number one focus other than Allah will be on how you will make your child’s life as best as possible. That love we develop for the baby as he or she grows inside you is amazing and it completely shifts your focus. You get so aggressively protective of it haha 

    Sister I have some tips for you on being a single mum and surviving pregnancy without a man which if u like I can share with you.  For now welcome back on the blog… Have missed you very much.

    one day at a time. 

  • Umm of2

    August 12, 2016

    Aisha

    as Salaamu Alaikum sis. Your husband and cowife sound rachet. But Alhumdullilaah Allah saved you from them and you are now safe and sound. Allah be praised. May you have a wonderful pregnancy and a beautiful healthy baby InshaAllah 

  • Tasliyman

    August 12, 2016

    Aslm 

    Aisha I’m so sorry to hear about your ordeal but so happy that you are safe now. I think about you often. You seem so sweet. 

    Congratulations on the pregnancy. I’m sure your family will be there for you. May Allah grant you and your baby a wonderful life In-sha Allah. Ameen. 

    I’m not going to say anything about your husband and co. My mom always told me if you dont have anything good to say, say nothing at all……. 

  • anabellah

    August 12, 2016

    Don’t let him control your mind with his sweet talking lines. Let him sweat.

  • anabellah

    August 12, 2016

    Aisha, you’ve got to keep your focus on Allah. If your face (focus) is on your husband, your back is to Allah. Don’t care that your husband favors the co’s baby. Get it out of your head and don’t entertain those thoughts.

    I’m sure your husband’s head is messed up cuz it seems that he has lost control of you. Insha Allah, don’t go back there. Look out for you and your baby.

  • anabellah

    August 12, 2016

    oops, I’m on my phone. Don’t worry about raising your child without your husband. Be grateful to Allah for all that He has given you. Dont listen to the whispers of Satan. Stay focused on Allah and be one of His most righteous servants. Be more honorable than your husband and his other, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    August 12, 2016

    I’m excited for you, Aisha. It’s wonderful news. Don’t listen to anything those two have to say. View your baby as a beautiful blessing from Allah. Do the right thing and focus on raising the baby to be God loving and God fearing. Read Quran out loud in a slow rhythmic tone. Be happy and don’t allow yourself to get depressed. Remember the story of Mary, the mother of Prophet Jesus (PBUH). She’s named in the Quran along with the wife of Pharoah as being two of the most honorable women. Don

  • Aisha

    August 12, 2016

    Yes Ana you’re right Alhamdulillah I wanted a baby and now I can focus on this child without being emotionally and physically drained. I’m just worried that now I will be tied down to him for life as we will be having a child together regardless of him accepting or not. It’s just so hurtful to know the co just had a baby and he adores the baby and he wants me to abort our child SubhanAllah and the worst thing is he is cursing me telling me I’m attached to an egg as the baby is not formed yet he is completely missing the point. I just have to stay positive and pray I have a healthy stress free pregnancy insha’Allah.. I’m so excited Ana inshaAllah I’m going to be a mummy!!!!’ https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2016

    Oh, Aisha, Jasmina is still with us. Maybe she’ll pop in soon. She’s doing really well. We noticed a huge difference in her. She’s getting out and working a business too. She still having some issues with her co trying to get rid of her, but she’s holding her own and is staying strong. Alhumdulliah

    As for our dear friend Gail, she doesn’t get here much anymore. Last she was here, she was doing very well. She was getting along much better with her husband and her in-laws. She was in good health and seemed very happy in her life now. I think she has moved on as she hasn’t been in a polygamous marriage for years now. I think about her often. Insha Allah, she’ll stop in again soon, if only to say What's Up Animated Text

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2016

    Oh, Aisha, I’m so sorry to hear things were a bit crazy for you.  The important thing is that you are now safe and with your family who loves you. Plus, you wanted to have another child and now you are pregnant. Whipeeee. Yay.

    It’s okay that your husband isn’t with you now. I’m sure your parents will give you the support that you need and the love for you and your child. There is still hope that your husband will change and you two will get back together. If not, there is always another husband.

    Allah is the Doer of what He wills. We can’t doubt and we have to stay optimistic. Most of all, we must believe. Believing is what makes a Believer. It’s all good. Aisha. Don’t despair. Don’t abort your child either. You wanted a child and now you have one by your husband and you didn’t need his permission. You showed him.  He doesn’t get to say when and how and ??? Yay https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif You go girl!

  • Aisha

    August 11, 2016

    I haven’t had a chance to catch up with the latest on here but I see so many new names MashaAllah!!! 

     

    Sister jasmina sister Gail and the rest of the gang are you guys still around? 

     

     

  • Aisha

    August 11, 2016

    Oh Ana, where to start… SubhanAllah I’ve been on a complete rollercosster these past few months. 

    Like the crazy girl I am I went back to him things just happened to go from bad to worse. He took my phone from me and I wasn’t allowed accesse to the Internet or a phone. I was only allowed to use the landline to call my parents with him present. The co had a baby girl so I was obviously too busy running around her and the kids.. Me and him started arguing constantly and of course he became physical… I tried to escape many times through windows, the front and back door but him and his wife had locked everything and she would just watch whilst he would hit me.. He would tell me how he wants me dead etc so I had taken an overdose and was very close to death but Alhamdulillah Allah swt saved me.. (May Allah forgive me) Anyway being the idiot that I am I stayed and put up with it all… quite a few days ago I managed to come to my parents house and for the first time in the year that we’ve been married I had the courage to tell him I will no longer put up with him. After some days I found out I was pregnant so I contacted him to tell him as a father I didn’t want to take away his rights.. He’s response was crazy he was calling me a trecherous woman and how I had planned this to trap him he was calling me a shaitan and telling me I must abort the baby… So here I am at my parents house looking forward to my journey as a single parent in sha Allah.. XX

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2016

    Aisha, Hey, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m so happy you stopped in https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

    I think about you often and we speak of you here every now and again. It has been quite some time since we’ve heard from you last. All is good with me.  I hope you’re well and all is going nicely in your life. I pray you’re in the best of health and emam as well.

    Did you and your hubz get back together or are you still apart? Inquiring minds want to know LOL but, please don’t feel compelled to answer. No pressure. If you rather not say, it’s okay. I’m just glad you pop in, Sis. Insha Allah, don’t stay away so long…

  • Aisha

    August 11, 2016

    Assalaam Alaykum sisters… It’s been a while since I have been on, how are you all? I’ve often thought about you guys… I pray you’re all in the best of health and emaan X

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    I don’t doubt that Secretary has good intentions. It’s just that based on what I’ve read here on this blog over the last several years, it doesn’t quite go the way Secretary has planned when it comes to marriage to foreign men who have cousin wives. There are exception to the rule such as in Gail case, but Gail was the legal wife and her husband didn’t love the cousin wife, nor did he like polygamy, so he divorced cousin wife.

    What I’ve seen is that the mothers rules. The husbands obey their mothers. The mother tells him who to marry and who to divorce. The husband usually listens.

    It sounds that in Secretaries case the hand picked cousin is the one coming out with the bigger end of the stick. She’ll be the legal, favorite hand picked wife. The husband’s mother is already making the big plans for the cousin to have a huge wedding, according to Secretary. The only thing I got from Secretary is that she will be everyone’s bank. She’ll be the walking ATM machine. I wouldn’t doubt that the man is acting as though he’s head over heels in love with Secretary and can’t live without her. What foreign man who believes that Paradise lies at the feet of his mother, who marries a cousin and want a better life for ALL his family in his native land wouldn’t? He won’t treat Secretary badly NOW because you don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

    I don’t see it much different than all that Mari2 has shared with us here on the blog. It started out the same with her. It ended up with Mari2’s husband moving with his mother out of Mari2’s house. The cousin wife was given a huge wedding and all kinds of gifts. She is the legal wife. They are trying to get cousin wife here to the US. The husband and his mother are prepping for it. Meanwhile the husband is still trying to get more money out of Mari2. He was constantly sending money back home to his family and trying to get cousin wife all that she was demanding.

    I still don’t think that it’s right for anyone to try to map out someone else life, regardless of the planner’s rational about it.

    At the end of the day, it’s is what it is. Allah says in Quran that man plots and plan, but He is the best of Planners. He says He is the Master Planner. He has a Plan. He further says that we will come willingly or unwillingly, but we will come (obey Him). Whatever happens with Secretary and her potential husband and co-wife will be Allah’s decision. They’ll simply be carrying it out. Maybe Allah has scripted for Secretary to be in a marriage with that man. No amount of warning her not to go that route will amount to aught, if Allah has decided that that man will be her husband. It will be her fate. No one can change what Allah decides. In the meantime, we wait and see….

  • Tasliyman

    August 11, 2016

    Ana,

    I believe that Secretary means well with her “planning” and that she is basing her expectations of how the second wife will act and react to what her husband has told her about the women of their country. She mentioned in a previous post that he said – the virgin woman back home “obey thy husband” in order to please Allah, and the second wife will comply.

    I get the feeling that Secretary honestly feels that she will be helping the second wife by teaching her and giving her a better life. If the husband finds a woman who is happy to take on the role of surrogate/baby-maker and live-in nanny/housekeeper I think the arrangement could work quite well.

    However, if the second wife will not be happy to “comply” with their rules and actually wants a real marriage with love, affection and intimacy (not just for making babies) I think things could get messy.

    Having said that, I can see that Secretary is already way too attached to her prospective husband to just let him go and she in all probability will proceed with the marriage regardless of what anyone tells her.

    There’s in any case no way you can be fully prepared for what awaits you in a polygamous marriage (or any marriage I suppose), you only truly realise what it is about once you are in it.

    As an outsider looking in on the situation (based on Secretary’s comments) I cant help but wonder how honest her prospective husband is with her and it looks like this will be the main factor in her happily ever after.  But obviously, this is her life and it’s her decision.  Ultimately, we all have to live with the consequences of our own choices, be it good or not so good.

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2016

    Ummof4 As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Among the many important things that you said to Secretary, one that was succinct, stood out to me, and couldn’t have been said any better was: “Please stop planning another person’s life.” That was heavy. You said it with regard to her planning her co-wife to be (whomever she maybe) life.

    Trying to plan one’s own life is a task, and we all find out sooner or later that many times what we plan doesn’t come to fruition. Secretary doesn’t know the person who may become her prospective husband’s wife. She doesn’t know the person’s personality, likes and dislikes, education level, intellect, abilities, limitations, culture, upbringing, economic status – NOTHING. She’s projecting her own expectations onto someone who she doesn’t even know. Furthermore, she wasn’t given permission by the person to do it. She wasn’t asked to do it. Who gives her the liberty to do that?

    It’s difficult enough for one to learn, understand, and believe that Allah controls all things. He disposes of all affairs, and He ALONE has power, but when one goes beyond thinking that she has it in regard to herself and tries to plot and plan someone else life for the person- that is huge. Some may say that it equates to being a “control freak.”

  • anabellah

    August 10, 2016

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Alhumdulliah that you, the children and the grands had a nice time. It sounds like it was loads of fun. I was thinking about hopping on some rides until I was seeing all those tragedies recently on the news. It scared me straight.

  • ummof4

    August 10, 2016

    As-salaaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Secretary, you have a good spirit and outlook on life.  May Allah bless you with a successful life as a Muslimah striving to be a true believer.  Keep reading the Qur’aan and learning our beautiful, complete way of life.  Remember to thank Allah daily, praise Allah daily and ask Him for the good of this world and the good of the next.

    On another note, I survived another amusement park trip with my 5 grandchildren(the 2 infants did not attend this year).  It’s become a family tradition that we all go -me, my children and my grandchildren once a year and spend the entire day in the park.  I don’t get on rides, but I enjoy seeing them have fun.

     

  • Secretary

    August 10, 2016

    Thanks again sisters.   I needed education and I can now make an informed decision.   

    May Allah continue to make life easy for you ALL. 

  • Secretary

    August 10, 2016

    Marah s,

    We are all hypothetically speaking.  No one knows what may or may not happen.   

    If things are not going well in our household together,  we can/will talk about separate dwellings.  Everyone needs/deserves to be happy.   That’s our goal. 

  • Secretary

    August 10, 2016

    Ummof4,

    THANK YOU!  I appreciate your time and advice.

    1.  I don’t have a walee, but I know/trust a Muslim woman who I will ask.  Thank you.  

    2.  I’m hoping that futurely, he will financially take care of me/us.  He is very determined to succeed.   He is motivated not lazy. We have talked about this.   He has every intention to financially contribute.   

    3.  You are absolutely right.   I have trouble comprehending this new way of life for me.  Two wives!  Remember I am a new revert, just learning.  I definitely believe in the Qur’an.  I get my information there, but the understanding is not always clear.  I read it over and over again.  It has been a slow transition of changes in my life.   

    4. I don’t feel I’m on the rebound.   This gentleman is GREAT.   I am in love.   I appreciate all that he does for me.  We communicate nicely.   As long as what he says is the truth,  we should do well together (and I believe him).  I certainly don’t want to be divorced twice.   

    5.  His cousin doesn’t need protection from me.  I’m saying if she wants my help, I will be there for her too. If she doesn’t want me involved,  I will respect her privacy. I will NOT intrude where I’m not welcomed.   I have lived here my whole life and can visit others while they have their private time.  Thank you for opening my eyes and helping me realize and not to be too disappointed with my expectations.

     

  • Secretary

    August 10, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Thank you! 

  • Jasmina

    August 10, 2016

    I love what Ummof4 wrote. Great advice to follow. 

    Secretary it seems you are opening up to what we are all saying which is a great start. Going into a situation with your guard up is better than being naive and getting hit hard. Ana explained it so well in a previous post also. 

    No matter what you do, do stay in touch, if things go badly don’t be shy to come back, we don’t judge. If they work out do let us know, it’s nice to hear success stories also. InshaAllah Allah will protect you all and bless you with a happy life and akhira

  • ummof4

    August 10, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Secretary, I hope you make salatul istikharah before you marry and ask your prospective husband to make it as well.  The answer to the du’ah is in how easy or difficult it is to achieve what you want. 

    Since you are a new Muslim, I want to mention a few teachings of Islam with regard to marriage.

    1.  A Muslim woman needs a walee – a guardian who looks out for her interests, acts as a chaperone(or approves a chaperone), and helps her to negotiate her marriage.  I never heard you mention having one.  If a woman has Muslim family, it is her father, uncle, brother, etc.  If a woman does not have Muslim family, the community leader is her guardian or appoints one for her.

    2.  I repeat, Allah says that men are the protectors and maintainers of women; to marry a man and take care of him completely financially is going against what Allah has decreed.  Many men who let their wives take care of them get no respect from their wives.  “You pay the cost to be the boss.” 

    3.  Each couple’s marriage is their business only.  You will not be marrying another wife, the husband will be marrying another wife.  Please stop planning another person’s life. 

    4.  Each wife has a right to her own residence with her husband.  Talk about being jealous, wait until you hear your husband and his other wife having sex as you walk by or watching them play with each other or make sexual advances to each other. 

    Secretary, I believe that you are on a “rebound marriage.”  You mentioned that your last marriage was abusive. You feel that if you  agree to polygyny and take care of your new husband, he will appreciate you,  then you will not be abused again.  If you set the rules and make the arrangements for the new marriage, you will be in control.  You can control your husband and his other wife because you will have the money.  You will be in control of the household with some assistance from your husband. 

    Secretary, I believe no one can talk you out of marrying this man.  May Allah help you and your fiance and protect the cousin from you and your fiancé.

    Allahu Akbar! We are only mere humans.

     

  • anabellah

    August 9, 2016

    Umm of2,

    Please don’t get me wrong. You are right. I’m sure you were thinking “Muslim” with reference to the statement that you made. I too say there is no way that man who says he loves Secretary can love her if he is seeking to marry his virgin cousin as you so correctly stated was hand picked by his mother. It’s all culture (their way of life). It’s why I asked her what she thought he wanted with her being older and divorced. I don’t know if she’s living in the States, but she’d be better off marrying a Westerner who doesn’t see age as much and won’t care that she is divorced with children. The man she is so head over heels in love/lust with clearly has an agenda for Secretary and it’s not good. What does he want with this woman with boys that age? If she reads the Pakistani thread although she says he’s not Pakistani, she would know that she is the poster child for a victim of those men who prey on vulnerable women.But, maybe it’s not for her to wake up and smell the coffee. It makes no sense that he would go after the complete opposite of what his culture call for and the complete opposite of the other woman whom he intends to marry.

  • Umm of2

    August 9, 2016

    You’re so right sis ana. That’s so very accurate 

  • anabellah

    August 9, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum All,  :-)

    I wrote a new post/thread. It’s primarily for the readers out there. We’re always getting new readers

    https://www.polygamy411.com/stay-in-polygamy/

  • anabellah

    August 9, 2016

    No one has to “make American Great Again.” America is Great!

  • anabellah

    August 9, 2016

    It’s sad that the people in the West appear to be doing some things way better than the Muslims, even in taking in refugees etc.  They don’t say a woman has to be virgin to be married. They don’t say they won’t marry a woman because she’s divorced. They don’t say they won’t marry a widow. They don’t throw her out to pasture when she no longer in her twenties.

    Muslims are in a sad state of affairs. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

  • anabellah

    August 9, 2016

    Umm of2,

    I beg to differ with you when you said that a 36 year old man who pursues an almost 50 year old woman with kids is not common. It is common in the West. Maybe you haven’t heard of women being referred to as “Cougars” who are older and with younger men. It was common in the days of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) as well. Remember, his wife whom he loved dearly was 15 years older than him.

    Now, I agree if you say it’s not common in Muslim countries and with men who say that they are Muslim today. Many who say that they are Muslim today have turned their backs on Islam. They turned their backs on Islam after the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) left this earth. They went back to the time of Jahilliyah (the days of ignorance). When the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was no longer with us, so called Muslim men went back to wanting young virgins. They don’t want divorced or older women. It goes against what Islam is about. The prophet Muhammad (PBUH) married single, divorced, widowed, older and virgins women.

    There are many older women in the West who have children and are divorce who are marrying all the time, including younger men, and aren’t having a difficult time doing it. They are what’s called “blended families” in the West. They are couples who come together with their children from previous relationships and they all live together and are married. It’s not a big deal in the West.

    It only becomes a major problem in so called Muslim countries with Muslim men, mostly.

    It’s why I think Muslims today are cursed, which is why they are going through so much hell on this earth. It’s because they make up their own rules and live the way they want to live devoid of knowledge (the Quran). The ayah (verse) from the Quran that speaks of men following lust and desire after the days of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is an ideal ayah that address the sad situation that exists today.

  • Umm of2

    August 9, 2016

    Secretary your head is in the clouds sis. At this point it dosent matter what anyone says or tries warning you about. The ball is in your court. Your potential husband is telling you what you want to hear. He’s been handpicked to marry his cousin since birth probably it’s nothing you can do or say to change that. Nowadays a 36 year old man pursuing an almost 50 year old woman with kids is not common. I hope his intentions are pure and he proves us all wrong

  • Marah S

    August 9, 2016

    Secretary, 

    i can tell you have your heart set on this marriage, and there’s nothing anyone can say that will stop you. I’m honestly so scared for you and it seems like everyone else is concerned as well. If this many people had told me they didn’t think my marriage was a good idea I would’ve run the other way.

    If you have to marry this man, then please at least make sure you take seriously the advice jasmina gave you.

    If you can convince him to wait a few years, then marry a woman from the country which you reside in now, who already has citizenship then that would be even better, remember you’re going into this giving up the majority of your Islamic rights as well as all your legal rights as a wife. He’s chosen to marry his second wife legally, meaning she will be the one with all the legal rights. You’ve left nothing for yourself to fall back on or to protect yourself and your children if anything should go wrong. 

    I also encourage you to let the second wife live in a separate home. If he can afford an apartment for the both of them, then let him do that. The apartment can even be close to your home. This is better for you and especially for your kids. I can’t imagine it will be fun for them living with your husband, his wife, and their kids. Don’t put them in a an unnecessary situation that will make them unhappy.

    I wish for you the best secretary, I really really hope in a few years you’re still happy with your husband and not in a bad situation. And most importantly I hope your children don’t resent you for putting them in this situation. 

  • Secretary

    August 9, 2016

    Ana,

    I appreciate your honesty.  I understand.  If I marry him and accept two wives, my life will be very complicated.  Thank you for the heads up.   

    It sounds like all of you sisters struggle with co-wives and no one is happy.   If it is Allah’s will, it shall be.  

    I will continue to pray for Allah to guide me. 

     

  • Secretary

    August 9, 2016

    Concerned,

    He has citizenship.  He doesn’t need me to get a second wife, they can rent an apartment and he can earn/save his money to buy a small house without my financial help.  I don’t believe he’s using me.   I think I will help him and later he will help me. 

    Now with the information I learned from this group in just a few days,  I have a good idea of how to protect my finances.   Make the dowry extremely high.  (1/3 the cost of my home ).  It’s like a prenuptial agreement? He may never find a woman to accept our terms. I won’t agree for him to marry his cousin.   May Allah protect me/us!

  • Concerned

    August 9, 2016

    Secretary.

    It looks like your not listening to the warnings. Your hight hopes for how you THINK polygamy will be will eventually be a heavy burden. You remind me of myself. Although our situations are completely different  (I never even considered living with the co) my hopes were high, and boy did it annoy and hurt everytime my high hopes were dashed. I envisioned loads of things, the things we would do, the schedule, eids, children. I had it all planned. It was NOTHING like what I hoped. Because thats what it was HOPE not REALITY. We are all striving to obey Allah, we compromise, me and co dont argue or try to make life difficult for one another. But its DIFFICULT. and since your husband says the things he does and living together  I expect your situation to be a LOT worse. even though I was understanding of his decision and he chose a good woman he was honest and straight forward, we had discussed it to the moon and back.  it felt like id been smacked in the face with a brick, my heart was ablaze, the pain was something id never felt. And it just went on and on and on. I struggled every single minute of every single day for a loooooooong time. Sometimes id have to sleep with a towel because tissue was not enough to dry the tears at night (no one wants to sleep on wet pillow lol) Alhamdulilah, by the will and mercy of Allah iv made it to better days (and nights) its not easy and not fun. 

    I tell you all this because I think had I not expected so much I could have saved myself a lot of stress (and a few tantrums) if I had seen their marriage as just that, THEIRS and ‘our’ decision as HIS decision I wouldn’t have been so angry when things didn’t go according to my plan. I should have known or rather remembered that I cannot and do not create outcomes, Allah does. And we should be happy with whatever the outcome is. 

     

    I really dont think you should go looking for trouble, you have no idea what the future holds So dont call things destiny, untill its happend because we dont know what our destiny was untill its past, untill its happened. I know your expecting the other woman to arrive in 5 years. Did you ever consider that she could be there sooner. Like in 1 year, or even 6 months. Its possible. How would you feel then? How would you deal with that? 

     

  • Karima

    August 9, 2016

    Ana dear Alhamdulellah I’m trying to enjoy last days of our holidays…. We go back home soon but I’m reflecting on your advice n the sisters advice… At the moment inshallah I don’t want to throw any tantrums all for nothing. I no nothing for sure when n if H will come forward with the truth in my face we see then… Alhamdulellah for this blog Alhamdulellah for kolo

  • anabellah

    August 9, 2016

    Hey there, Karima

    You sound to be doing just fine. Keep up the good work, my dear sister :-)

  • Karima

    August 9, 2016

    Ana great advice u gave n all of the sisters!!! I hope it will be understood n followed inshallah

  • anabellah

    August 9, 2016

    Talking to you is like beating a dead horse. I’ve said my piece. You could carry on with the discussion with the rest of the ladies here.

  • Secretary

    August 9, 2016

    Marah s,

    I agree with him not marrying the cousin.   I will make sure he understands my wishes.   He said I can decide.   He wanted me to choose the second wife; but I’m unable to go to his home country because of myresponsibilities at work 

  • anabellah

    August 9, 2016

    Secretary,

    You may think you could get him to marry a second wife other than his cousin, if you want. If his family has made plans for him to marry cousin girl, there is nothing you could do to stop it. It’s not just a matter of him wanting another wife – any woman as a wife. His family has plans for the man and the cousin and it seems he will follow through with it. It may seem he will wait for another wife. He may wait for five years and it won’t be for another wife, but for the cousin. It seems you are underestimating the culture and the influence of his family.

    You may think that you could get by on a hope and a dream. Good luck.

  • Secretary

    August 9, 2016

    Umm of2,

    No we are NOT married yet.  I have been trying to educate myself before I marry even though my future husband  (in the next couple of days /weeks ), thinks that I am definitely marrying him and accepting of a second wife.  

  • anabellah

    August 9, 2016

    Secretary,

    There are ways that things should be done in Islam. Wives are to have their separate dwellings. There should be a walima (wedding feast) to let all know the couple are married. Allah says that the man is the maintainer and protector of women. He should take care of his wives. There is nothing wrong with her contributing. With you, it’s similar to a role reversal. You intend to take care of him. Some people think they know better than Allah and want to do things their way. Then when they suffer in their predicament, they wonder why and don’t know how to get out of it. You seem blinded by desires and really aren’t digesting anything that has been said here.

    What you envision for you, your children, the other wife to be and your potential husband may be far from what she and he ultimately intend. She wants to get to this country by any means necessary, and would agree to just about anything to get here and be with her husband, even if it means pretending to like you.

    To each his own. You could lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink…

  • Secretary

    August 9, 2016

    Jasimina, my boys won’t be exposed to too much.   If the second wife doesn’t come for five years.   I can’t worry about what terrible things might happen,  I need to remain hopeful, positive and happy.   

  • Secretary

    August 9, 2016

    Karima,

    Thank you.  I will give you an update in November!   See if he finds a second wife.   I love him and I want to fulfill my destiny.   Small steps, first plan is to marry him.   

  • Secretary

    August 9, 2016

    Ana, my teenage boys have their own space.   But we plan to give them the full recreation room in the basement.  Yes there will be conflict with my husband but he is such a happy man, I am hoping they will enjoy each other’s company.   Currently,  they play basketball and go fishing together. 

  • anabellah

    August 9, 2016

    Secretary,

    If your boys are 14 and 16 you’ve got even more problems. Your boys are probably feeling their oats and think they are the men of the house. They may start feeling froggy and you’d have to worry that they may jump. I’ve known of cases in which the woman’s boys have beaten their mom’s husband. They challenge the mom’s husband. Secretary, if your boys have been the only young men in the house for three years, problems may arise when your husband moves in. First, they won’t want to listen to what your husband has to say. They would probably tell him quickly, “You’re not my father.” With the new man in the house with your two sons, there is bound to be tension and friction. It’s not looking good.

  • Jasmina

    August 9, 2016

    Ohh you have young kids. Yeah I wouldn’t put them through that at all. 

    Only Allah knows but I think we are all on the money that this guy wants to scam you. However you will only see it if you prove it for yourself.  The way to do this is to discuss with him what I told you, and maybe add a few more conditions in there, like how he needs to provide for you and your kids 100% and you are happy to wait until he can afford to get married. And find a wali and make him discuss matters with the wali… If he doesn’t like that then it’s a sure sign he has bad intentions. Maybe the other ladies have some ideas. 

    You owe it to your children to double check and then double check again that this man is right for you.  We are Muslim and we are smart and have guidelines to follow that protect us. 

  • anabellah

    August 9, 2016

    Hi Halma,

    Thank you again for being here and for commenting. :-)

    I think all women should be a bit concerned about the intent of a potential mate. An investigation of him needs to be conducted. What are his beliefs? What is his earning potential? What will he bring to the table? Do you need a pre-nup? If you’re Muslim, it’s where the Wali comes in. He should be the one who conduct the investigation on the woman’s behalf. He should check out the man’s qualifications before the woman has communicated with him. This way, if the wali finds him not suitable, she hasn’t formed any attachment to the suitor. The process is tainted when the woman, and man have been communicating and there is an attraction and emotions are felt. At this point a woman most likely wouldn’t listen to a wali, if he were to say the man is not good for her.

    So, now you, Halma, must make the judgement call, which you can’t be objective about since you’ve already fallen in love with the man. I’d say you need to worry if he is not a citizen of your country. Of course, I’d say you need to worry if he is Pakistani. There is enough evidence to know that many Pakistanis engage in cousin marriages arranged by their families; they don’t accept polygamy; their family comes first; their priority is to take care of family first. Everyone else is an outsider and for use in whatever way will benefit them and their families. They are about Nationalism. Culture supersedes Islam, if there is any Islam at all. They mix the two.

    Halma, I don’t think it should be alarming that he expresses great fondness for the West. Most people who aren’t of the West do. I don’t see a problem with a person wanting a better life. I do see a problem when the person USES another to get it and has no real concern and care for the person from whom they are trying to get their needs met. They would just as easily discard the person once they’ve gotten their needs and wants met. They toss the woman out like trash.

    If my husband and I were to divorce and I were to marry again, I would again stick with my own kind. There are enough problems in marriages without adding cultural ones on top of it.

  • Karima

    August 9, 2016

    Salam

    dear Secretary pls listen to the sisters!!! I have the feeling there’s sthng fishy about your future husband!!!  If you proceed with the marriage pls come back n prove us wrong!!! I really hope we all will be wrong!!!  May Allah protect you

  • Umm of2

    August 9, 2016

    Secretary your husband? Did y’all get married already?

  • Secretary

    August 9, 2016

    Baseema, 

    My boys are 14 & 16 years.  My ex-husband has them three weekends a month.  They live with me.  My husband plans to move in with us in October.   The second wife will likely not come live with us for five years.   My husband will hopefully be financially stable by that time.   

    You have me thinking! 

  • Halma

    August 9, 2016

    Hi Anna

    I follow but rarely comment

    I am in a situation at the moment.. I hope you ladies can help. It’s not directly polygamy related but I have gotten close to a man of a different nationality. We get on like a house on fire, have similar views and just a natural click . Now seeking to make it halal by embarking onto the next stage.

    However he also expresses great fondness of the West ( can’t reveal my exact country) and how amazing he thinks it is compared to his own.

    Should I be worried?

  • anabellah

    August 8, 2016

    Secretary,

    You’ve receive excellent advice from all here. I really hope you take heed. I really think you’re living in your head about how you want things to be and envision it. I could imagine what your intended and his family are thinking and planning as well. You said his parents are planning a huge wedding for him and the cousin. You said your husband isn’t Pakistani. Is he Indian or Bangladeshi? As I stated before, it all sounds cultural to me. I don’t remember who said it because quite a few have commented today and, but he’s maybe thanking Allah much for giving him you. Some cultures require the bride to be a virgin. I’m assuming the cousin is one. They require the women to be young, as well. Ask yourself, where you fit in.

    We’ve heard from ladies here who were in the type of marriage that you are trying to get in. All was well for years, but then the men ended up divorcing the American/European women. Towards the end they don’t front anymore. They don’t pretend. They let their true colors show and it’s not pretty.

    I thought your children were grown. If not, Baseema is 100% correct about what you’ll be taking them through. I could see the writing on the wall. You need to be wise. It’s not love that you’re dealing with. You’re dealing with a man who is interested in having a better life for him and his family. You will never be considered his family. Some men are master manipulator. Don’t fall for the okie doke. You said you’re beginning to get cold feet. GOOD! Don’t let him play you this way. You think your last marriage was bad. You jumped out of the frying pan. Don’t jump into the fire. Be wise…

  • anabellah

    August 8, 2016

    Concerned, Welcome!

    It’s nice to have you here and thank you much for commenting. It’s good to hear from newbies who want to help others.

    Halma,

    Long time, no hear from. I checked back and see that you pop in every once and a blue moon. Your posts are sporadic lol all over the place – Some back in Feb 2015.  It’s weird, but it’s nice to have you pop in whenever you can. Thanks so much for all your help here. It’s greatly appreciated.

    @Everyone, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Thank you so much for being here and for all the good that you do. I pray Allah is well pleased with us all. God Bless! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Umm of2

    August 8, 2016

    I think those who have been commentating and following the blog for some time now can smell a Pakistani snake when we read about one. They are slithering their way around the west scoping out the independent naive lonely women who can afford the lives they want to live. 

  • Umm of2

    August 8, 2016

    Secretary why dosent he marry the cousin first? Because he needs your money your house. Sis he is using you and we all know it. Please don’t put yourself through this. I live with my co wife and husband and it took A WHOLE LOT of self control, coping with jealousy it’s not easy. She mistreated my children in the past, I saw and heard things that still haunt me today. I reacted in ways I regret. If you pray to Allah he will help you through it. If I’d do it again I would have chosen a seperate dwelling. I made intentions to discuss with my husband about seperate dwellings but til this day I haven’t been able to fulfill those intentions. I’m at the point of acceptance. Accepting the Qadr of Allah. If HE didn’t decree for me to be here in this situation, then I wouldnt be here. I strongly advise you NOT to do it. Speaking from 9 years of experience 

  • Umm of2

    August 8, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum all

    secretary there are so many red flags popping up its not even funny. Do you really think you’ll be happy when you are out making a living while they’re back at your place making babies. You seem like such a compassionate soul. Don’t let your loving personality blind you. Don’t settle to be a sugar momma. Listen to the ladies here they have given you very important sound advice from real life experience. Marriage is hard enough without throwing polygamy in the mix a month or two later. It’s a fairytale thinking y’all are going to live happily ever after, be best friends, learn from one another. Fairy tales are not real and not meant for this life. Think with your head not with your heart sis

  • Concerned

    August 8, 2016

    Secretary 

    Im telling you straight, this man is up to no good. Im sure he tells you how loyal you are, how understanding you are, that every woman should be just like you. Did he make you promise you wouldn’t leave him, cuz it would beeak his heart if you ever left. Please, dont believe him. Pretty much everything you’ve described about him are major red flags. 

    Secretary, seriously when polygamy really hits home those hours lying in bed at night, alone are the hardest. I could not even imagine laying there under the same roof as my husband and my co wife. NO WAY.

    If you feel the need to have this much ‘control’ now its going to get very ugly down the road . Stop refrering to THEIR marriage as YOUR marriage. You are in for a world of stress and pain if you dont let this go. Stop saying we and our. Its him and he. 

     

     

     

  • Marah S

    August 8, 2016

    Im with arzoo

    secretary, if this is the life that you really want, then you’d be better off finding a different woman other than the cousin. That way you know this woman came into this arrangement willingly, she wasn’t forced to live this way. The decision would be 100% hers. With the cousin, you never really know what you’re getting. She may be very unhappy about the circumstances of this marriage, even if she hates the idea there’s a big possibility her family is pressuring her into this marriage. She may be coming into your home already hating you and with an agenda. There’s is also a large possibility that she does not want to live her life and raise her children in the same way that you imagine it will be. 

    If you can convince your husband to find a different woman who has similar ideas to the way of life that you want, it could literally cut your risks and problems in half. You’ll be safe from unnecessary family interference, you’ll have a better understanding of whether or not this guy and his family are just using you for your money. You can be more confident in the character of this new woman, and her intentions. I just don’t see it happening with the cousin.

  • Halma

    August 8, 2016

    Secretary can I please ask what nationality your man is from? Sorry but there seems to be something not right.  

  • Aarzoo

    August 8, 2016

    One main obstacle i see is the cousinmarriage thing. I can tell you its not going to work. A situation hou described can work if all parties are willing to try and make it work. The cousin girl doesnt have a say even if she say it is her wish it isnt. It was what she was told will happen since her childhood that she will marry one of the cousins. Sure she will be excited she is marrying the one living in foreign land? you very well know why the women from other countries love moving to west because of the freedom. Your husband on the other side wants her to do exactly what women in those cultures are forced to do. That makes cousin girl and his expectations completely in clash. On top of that she will have to share her husband which believe me these women dont accept at all. She may not oppose it openly but you will be regularly fighting to save your marriage. The man will enjoy two women competing for him or if the drama is too much and he by them have an income to support secnd wife he will separate the households one with his family and second wife and second with you and him visiting on your days. That too will be a struggle because they will use kids and all other excuses to keep him there most of the time. They wont even be using exuses they might tell him straight you are independent now not need that womans money why are you still with her. Others already explained this but i wanted to share too so that you understand this is how cousin marriage is going to be. 

    If you really donot want to let go of this man and try this big polygamous happy family living in one house thing. Find a second wife who is on same page and who wants same and not doin things out of cultural obligation or in greed of moving to a western country.

  • Aarzoo

    August 8, 2016

    Secetary, i think i kind of understand how the situation will benefit you and why you are willing to accept this strange polygamy situation. You think having this man you are in love become your life partner will be biggest plus and much better than your current situation/having no man. Looks like you mainly and to some extent this man are taking the responsibility of working outside home and secnd wife taking up responsibility of a housekeeper which is great for you as a working woman. Your husband will get the kids he wants and a woman to take care of them and the house. I see it less of an Islamic lifestyle for the reason Ummof4 mentioned very well but its more of a practical arrangement especially from hour husbands point of view thats what the slave reference means, a woman who will stay home to serve him, bear and care for children and do the housework. If you all as consentng adults want to do this then who are others to stop you. Now make sure to have a meeting with future wife. You are letting her in your house and marriage so you have right to know if she is on the same page. All the best!

  • Secretary

    August 8, 2016

    Marah s, 

    Absolutely.  I understand that they need their space.

    How do you ladies cope?  

    Realization is setting in.  Everything you’ve said is so clear.   

    I’m getting “cold feet”.  I thought he’d find an understanding woman like me.  But perhaps not.  Then what? 

    Did you ladies agree to a second wife or did your husband just TELL YOU this was his plan? 

     

     

     

     

     

  • baseema

    August 8, 2016

    Secretary, i’m going to sound really harsh but it’s only because i care about you and your children. why don’t you wait until your kids are grown up and gone from the house before you decide to marry this man? then you will only be putting yourself in jeopardy and not your children. to be honest, he doesn’t sound like too much of a prize and he seems to be scamming you. You on the other hand, sound honest and sweet. He wants the second wife as his slave? He’s going to divorce her if she doesn’t produce kids? He’s either a callous creep or he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Either way, it’s not good. Ever wonder what he is telling his family and the cousin, about you? I’m sorry, but it really sounds as if he is using you. Of course his family will Skype with you, because they think you’re rich and you will better their family! They will be so nice to your face. But I can bet they are not so nice behind your back. You say you’re older than him? Do you really think his family wants him to marry someone older?? With kids no less? You can bet they are only going along with this plan because it’s the only way he can marry the cousin. And they think they will become rich from your husband, via YOU. You don’t say what nationality he is, but if they want him to marry a cousin, plan on your husband sending lots of money their way too!! Why would you marry  him and put yourself and your kids in this situation?? He’s going to marry someone in another month or 2? or maybe you can convince him to wait but i bet he will either not agree or do it secretly. if they want him to marry a cousin, you can bet that pleasing his family is going to come before you. What about your kids?? Do they really deserve this? No man is going to treat your kids fairly, and especially not one who is already lying or deceptive and/or cold hearted. you say he is a good Muslim. He reads the Quran, prays, etc. Yes, and i can bet what he is praying for is giving thanks for being able to catch you to better his life and that of his family. you’re going to have a quiet wedding next week maybe?? I feel really sorry for your kids. You are bringing them into a big mess. They’re going to be shuffled aside for the new babies who come along. No man is going to treat your kids like his own. It’s very rare. And as he says he is using his cousin for babies, that should stop you right in your tracks!! And she will be his slave and he will divorce her if she doesn’t produce. This guy is TRASH. If some guy said that to me, he would be history in SECONDS.You better be really careful and think hard before you do this. I’m not the only one here with a bad foreboding about this situation. He has no house, no money? He really hit the jackpot with you. This guy is straight up using you. And you owe it to your kids to give them a good life. Your life, to do as you want, will come when they are out of the house. At least wait until then. Don’t screw your kids over. They’ve already been screwed over enough in their life. If he really loves you as he says he does, he will marry someone else and wait for you. After all, he can have four wives. This man has already shown his true colors and how little he will care about a future wife. How much do you think he is going to care about your kids, who are the product of another man?!? Sure he is nice to them now, while he wants something. If you want to marry him go ahead, but please don’t take innocent children into that mess with you! I didn’t see if you mentioned where the kid’s father is, but what will you do when he finds out you are living with this guy and his cousin and making babies? you can bet he is going to try to take his kids from you. Are you prepared to possibly lose your kids? and if not that way, how resentful are your kids going to be for ruining their childhood? your kids already lost one of their parents because they live only with  you. now you’re going to take their only live in parent and you’re going to spend all your attention on a new husband, co wife, and babies?!? i’m sure you’re kids will just be so overjoyed to be pushed aside for the new family!! does the father of your kids have a new family too?? https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif you owe it to your kids to stay single and raise them without all this drama!!! then do whatever you like once they are gone!oh, and you said “he’s not contributing yet” so does that mean he is already living there with you?? i sure hope not! please, tell him your plans changed and you want to wait till your children are grown. you say you need to think of yourself, no, you need to think of your innocent children!!! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif

  • Secretary

    August 8, 2016

    Concerned, 

    I am so happy with him.  He feels like my protector.  I trust him.  He has been honest with everything.  I believe that financially he will look after me when I’m no longer working/in need.  So I don’t worry about sharing what Allah has given me.   

    About privacy with the second wife, if she’s not comfortable with me around, we can figure that out later but for now, she will be informed that this is our plan.   I plan to help raise their children under our roof.

    I need to consider everything that has been said by these experienced/knowledgable sisters.  

     

  • Marah S

    August 8, 2016

    Secretary,

    Ah okay I understand, you think if you all live in one house then nothing can happen behind your back, that way you will be aware of everything and this in turn will lead to less jealousy.

    honestly I suspect it will be the complete opposite. Maybe some of the ladies living with their co-wives can chime in and explain just how difficult it can be. Maybe you have enough self control not to go crazy knowing every detail of what your husband is doing with his other wife, but I think we can all agree you’re much much different than most women. There is no guarantee that the woman he marries will feel the same. She may find it very hard to live that way. 

    Also, you have to remember, their marriage will be their marriage and their business only. If they wish to have secrets amongst each other than they are entitled to that, if they wish to share private moments than they are entitled to that as well. This woman will be married to him, not you. Maybe she wants to be able to snuggle up close to her husband and watch a movie with him in private. Maybe she wants to be able to wear cute clothes and sexy lingerie around the house. Maybe she wants to be able to enjoy having as much sex as possible on her days with him, without feeling ashamed that her co-wife will catch on to what’s going on. Even things like fights. I would go crazy if I had a co-wife living with me and she witnessed every single time my husband and I had a fight. You have to give them space.

     

  • Secretary

    August 8, 2016

    Jasmina, 

    I will ask him to wait for the second wife.   I do deserve his attention too.  I don’t like being greedy or selfish.   Always trying to please others and forgetting about myself.   Thanks. 

  • Concerned

    August 8, 2016

    I know what you want to do secretary. You want to be involved in EVERY aspect of their marriage. YOU CANT its their marriage not yours. Hes involving you now, but later they are going to want to be ALONE. 

  • Concerned

    August 8, 2016

    Secretary 

     

    Please, please, please dont marry this man. Please listen to the women here. I can see nothing but drama and heartbreak. He IS using you to provide a life for him and his other wife to be. Shared bank account, for WHAT!!!!!! Is the huge house going to be in his name too. You best mind he dont take everything you’ve got and do a runna. Wake up and smell the bull$@!#

  • Secretary

    August 8, 2016

    Ummof4, 

    I will look up salatul istikharah. Thanks.  

     

  • Secretary

    August 8, 2016

    Marah s,

    If we have separate dwellings, I am afraid I will be extremely jealous.  Once the second wife gets to know my husband; eventually, my hopes are that we can all watch a movie together, play cards together, go for walks together, play with the children together, one big happy family.  

    I will never intentionally make the second wife jealous.   I’m not that devious.

  • Secretary

    August 8, 2016

    Marah s,

    Yes I will talk to him about waiting for a second wife.  He has started a new business and becoming prosperous.   I think he’s expecting to put his money aside to support her.

     I am a career oriented woman and able to support myself.  He said when we buy the huge house, we will have a shared bank account and we both will contribute towards the household. 

    For now he plans on living with me and my children and asked me how much I expect him to contribute.   I don’t know, buy the groceries!  I am content.   I don’t need.  I am very easily satisfied.

  • Secretary

    August 8, 2016

    Ana,

    Regarding the wedding celebration, I am very practical.  I know he has no money and cannot afford to pay.  I paid for my first wedding and I am certainly not going to pay for another wedding reception.   Our intentions are to buy a huge house so there will be plenty of room.  That means a mortgage/debt.  I don’t even have enough to buy a huge house.   He’s not contributing yet. 

     

  • Secretary

    August 8, 2016

    Ana,

    You are right too about him waiting for a wife.  He feels he’s getting old, 36; but really if he marries a young virgin no rush.  He says it could take five years to have her come live with us.  I really don’t know how long it takes  to sponsor someone.   That’s why I agreed now.  

    His parents want to prepare a big wedding for them and because of my dedication to work I decided not to attend. 

  • Jasmina

    August 8, 2016

    You are a welcome. I’ve been through it, good intentions are good and great but they mean nothing if not followed by correct actions. Look it could be the case that he has good intentions but he is inexperienced in life and immature and so will find himself in a difficult situation. He cannot say that he can make it work because he hasn’t even been married before, what does he know of marriage, nothing. Don’t let him marry again so soon, it’s a big mistake, he will make his life so hard and yours.  Tell me that in order for things to work out well then it needs to be done strategically and with patience, rushing it all will create chaos.

    I second Ummof4, salatul istikhara, it’s very important.

    Thanks Ana. 

     

     

  • ummof4

    August 8, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Secretary, I pray that Allah makes it easy for you , but I have doubts.  I don’t recommend that any woman enters marriage financially supporting her husband, that’s not what Allah says for us to do.  The husband should support his wife and family financially, that’s his responsibility.  Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) said that if a man cannot afford to get married, then he should fast.  I don’t understand how a man who cannot afford to support one wife, wants to marry a woman, then a couple of months later want to marry another wife.  I caution you against supporting your new husband and his new wife.  When Allah tells us to do something, we should follow it.

    I know you are a new Muslim, and I hope that you are studying Islam.  One thing that you should do is make Salatul Istikharah.  It is a salah that we make when we have made a decision in life.  Please make it soon.  The salah should be described in any decent salah book.  If you can’t find it, let me know, and I’ll describe it for you.

    Everyone have a good day striving to obey Allah.

     

  • Secretary

    August 7, 2016

    Jasmina, I love your advice.   That’s what I needed to hear.   There could be a beautiful life for all of us.  Inshallah!!!

  • Marah S

    August 7, 2016

    Secretary,

    I wish for you the best, I don’t mean to be negative. But I just want you to have realistic expectations of what is to come. Living with a co-wife is extremely difficult and risky. you mentioned that you will also be the one supporting the both of them https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif  the  things we do for love!!!!

    In islam it is recommended that co-wives have separate dwellings. However you can forfeit the right to your own dwelling if you want, but like jasmina mentioned, Allah gives us these rights and guidelines for a reason, he knows his creation better than we know ourselves.

    I personally don’t recommend that you go into this supporting both him and his wife, it is the mans responsibility to support his wives, if he can’t afford a second wife he would be better of waiting until he can afford one before getting married. What is the rush anyways? 

    Your future husband truly hit the jackpot with you, a woman who is not only open to polygamy but is also willing to financially support him, his new wife, and his children as well as give up nearly all her god given rights. I can see that you truly are a good person, and that you have good intentions. My honest opinion is that it sounds fishy from the outside looking in, but I hope your husband proves us all wrong, that he isn’t taking advantage of you and all that kindness that you have in your heart.

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2016

    You may be tempted to forgo a wedding and celebration thinking that you’re older and have been there and done that – don’t give that up. It is part of our religion to have a wedding and walima. No one says go out and spend hundreds of thousands of dollar on an extravagant, elaborate affair, but do something special and memorable for the two of you and to show society that you are husband and wife. He should give you the dowry, but you could give it back to him, if you want as stated in the Quran.

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2016

    Secretary,

    Jasmina’s suggestion that you have a wedding and celebration with your family and his family there is very important. His willingness to do it will validate his intentions as being good. If he says no, it’s an indication that he wants you for other than letting the world know that he loves you and you are his wife. Don’t give up your right to those two important things. Your relatives may not attend if it’s being held in a Masjid as non-Muslims shouldn’t really be in there. It doesn’t prevent you from having a celebration or both the celebration and the wedding else where. I had my wedding in the Masjid and my non-Muslim family weren’t invited, but I had a formal, big wedding the following evening in a banquet hall and I wore my white wedding gown and had all the traditional trimming and hoopla with my husband’s and my non-Muslim family present. Start the marriage off as being a legitimate wife, the same as he will undoubtedly make her.

    Jasmina, good looking outhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2016

    Secretary,

    I agree with Jasmina. She gave you great recommendations. I like that she pointed out there being a possible problem with him marrying so soon after he marries you, especially since he can’t afford two wives. It’s as though he wants to marry the other and will bring her to live off you so the two of them will have a nice comfy life. It’s a no, no. Again, I may come across very pessimistic, but I’m only calling it the way I see it as an outsider looking in based on what you’ve state.

    If you two are so madly in love, what’s his need to rush off into another marriage within a month? He’s young; his other wife will be young. It’s not as though her biological clock is ticking. What’s his rush to get with her and impregnate her? It raises a red flag.

  • Jasmina

    August 7, 2016

    Forgive me bad spelling and grammar. I’m in a phone, I hope it still makes sense!

  • Jasmina

    August 7, 2016

    Secretary

    its a difficult one. At first I felt like perhaps he is not giving your the position you deserve and sees you less than. I thought maybe he would keep you a secret and later mistreat you. However you say you met the family etc. so that leads me to think that he truly has good intentions. Because you are older and have life experience, what is one less experience right? So long as you keep your Islam intact should things go pear shaped.

    now what I strongly suggest is that you protect yourself as of now by setting very clear boundaries and these are the boundaries I would set:

    1) do not accept a run off the mill marriage. Have a proper nikkah at his home or at a local masjid with his family there and your family. Dress nice and have nice food and sweets.  Then ensure you have a Walima, again you don’t have to do fancy but the point is to have all your friends and family there from both sides. The Walima should be a must in your position. Let him spend on you.

    2) arrange a honeymoon if possible even small. 

    3) have a majar… Dowry. Don’t go cheap. With these men money talks. When they see you are easy and cheap then guess what, leaving the marriage is easy too.bhavr a hefty clause in your contract should you divorce, he needs to pay such and such. 

    4) do not give up maintenance. In Islam the man provides, if indeed you want to live islamically then that is a basic in an Islamic household. You can contribute of course and Allah will reward you but the responsibility must fall on him, because you are getting older, what if you get sick or decide to retire… Then what???? So ensure you make it clear that he is responsible for all finances and you will chip in. 

    5) tell him to look for another wife at least after 2 years. Even one year. But a few months absolutely NO!!! Marriage any marriage is hard. The first couple of years are the most difficult, you must have a good foundation, and it’s just not going to happen very easily with polygamy so soon… Trust me been there done that.

    6) tell him not to marry the cousin… For the only reason that he told you that you could choose… Take it. Let him prove to you that is is true to his work. Trust me if he can’t keep that then your life will be riddled with lies and his fake promises Allah know best but I speak from experience.

    7) polygamy isn’t your issue at the moment, it’s this mans values, there’s something lacking there. But if you can go through the above and he agrees and fulfills them then you truly have found yourself a great man inshallah. I suggest you get your wali to discuss the issues above so he doesn’t try to convince you otherwise. If he loves you and is sincere in his heart and has GOOD INTENTIONS then he will not disagree because it’s just basics for us Muslims, don’t let him take any of your rights just because you are new to Islam. People see reverts are idiots to be stepped on so be firm and make it clear you know your position as a Muslim lady and you will not accept anything less. Islam has very defined rights for women in order to protect women and society as a whole, it’s when we give these rights uproar problems exist in marriage and in society. Men will always try to lower heir obligations m, any man, so it’s up to us women to be strong, we believe and obey Allah, we are protected by shariah if Allah, we are amongst the women with the best rights in the world, don’t settle for less. Alhamdulillah for Islam. Put your trust in Allah and Allah will take care of you, trust me.

  • Secretary

    August 7, 2016

    I have told him that I would consider having children with him and my doctor says do it now.  

    I’m healthy but I know the risks of down syndrome and spina bifida and many other health risks with age. I don’t feel it’s fair to him.  High risk pregnancies have so many precautions now a days, it is possible for older women to conceive. 

    Of course my husband agreed with me that it’s best if he finds a YOUNG second wife.   Lol

  • Secretary

    August 7, 2016

    Tasliyman, 

    Thanks too for your input.   It is his culture.  He keeps saying the virgin woman back home “obey thy husband” in order to please Allah, and the second wife will comply.  My hopes are to educate her with her rights. Share the duties.  Include her in our fun.  She and their children will have a good life.   

  • Secretary

    August 7, 2016

    He’s younger and not established yet.   But he certainly is working hard. 

    Smooching off me?  I will sign a prenuptial agreement.  He recommended it.  

    When he’s making more money than me,  I know he will take care of me.  I trust him.  He’s very religious and fears Allah.  

     

     

  • Secretary

    August 7, 2016

    Marah s, 

    Thanks for your input too.  I know he will love the second wife too, maybe even more than me.  (He’s only fooling himself). I’m a mother and I remember the connection when I was pregnant.   It’s amazing.  Even though my  ex-husband was verbally/emotionally abusive I loved being pregnant/being a mother.  I will hopefully share their joy.  I know I will be happy for them if the second wife allows me.  

    His cousin should NOT agree to marry him if she doesn’t accept me.   That’s supposed to be the condition upon marriage.   I have agreed to these terms. Harmony!

    I certainly don’t want her (or his mother) to ask me to leave once he’s financially stable enough to support them alone without my help.  That would crush my heart. We will see what happens.  (Hopefully the second wife appreciates me.)

    I plan to work hard on controlling my jealousy.   I will be taking plenty of walks and spend time with my own children during THEIR time.  

     

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2016

    I’m sorry, but the more you say, the worse it gets.

    If anyone out there reading thinks or feel differently, please speak up. I hope I’m not inviting some undesirables who haven’t spoken before https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2016

    He and his new wife coming to mooch off you doesn’t sound good eitherhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2016

    Secretary,

    I know mostly all that I’ve said sounds negative, but I can’t find anything positive about your situation, other than that you have accepted Islam. You’re in love or in lust as well. Is it a good thing or not https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif Allah knows best.

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2016

    You could tell him that you prefer that he not marry his cousin and suggest that he go find someone else. Don’t be surprised if he tells you that his mother is making him marry his cousin and he can’t disobey her and blah, blah, blah. He’s only going to marry the person whom Allah has ordained anyhow, so you telling him not to marry his cousin wouldn’t matter. You telling him not to take another wife at all is a different story.

    If you recently left an abusive marriage and “never really dated” you may be vulnerable and have fallen for the first person who has shown you love. I’m not “Dr. Phil”, Dr. Feel Good or anyone like it, but it’s some stuff I’ve learned over the years that wasn’t Islam, so take it with a grain a salt. He could be “rebound.” That’s not from Islam either. Some of the stuff could have some merit to it. When I was out there dating when non-Muslim, I had a rebound relationship. I thought he was my soulmate. I didn’t marry him, so apparently he wasn’t lol.

  • Secretary

    August 7, 2016

    Ana, thank you for your honesty.  I can’t worry about what MIGHT happen.   I sure hope my fairy tale life comes true.   Allah always gives me good.  And my husband too has always received good.   

    If I marry him and things go wrong, well your group tried to warn me!   Lol

    For some strange reason I am so attracted to him.   I believe it’s because he loves Allah and I admire that so much.  I feel protected. 

    Thanks again! 

  • Secretary

    August 7, 2016

    He has citizenship and needs to learn our culture too.  I am a new revert and he is very patient with my baby step transitions.  

  • Secretary

    August 7, 2016

    My husband says I can tell him not to marry his cousin and he will listen to me.  He will look for another woman.  Do I have that right? 

  • Secretary

    August 7, 2016

    His family know about me and if he finds a woman/his cousin?, that woman will know about me of course.   They will both live with me in my house, which will be ours. I’m willing to share what Allah has given me.   

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2016

    Secretary,

    You’re welcome. Please note that I was honest with you, as you said it’s what you wanted from us. Of course, no one knows the real deal with you and him because it hasn’t happened yet. We could only tell you what some of the warning signs are based on what we’ve learned here on this blog. We can show you the door, but you have to walk through it.

    I could sit here and write how wonderful polygamy is and you will marry the man of your dreams and live happily-ever-after with him, his other wife and all the children. It doesn’t always work out that way. Furthermore, it doesn’t sound that your problem will solely be about polygamy, but will overwhelmingly be about culture.

    Insha Allah, all will go well with you and him. I wish the best for you. :-)

  • Secretary

    August 7, 2016

    I thank all of you for your input.  Wow!  I am so innocent and nieve.  I never really dated and recently left my emotionally abusive ex-husband a few years ago.   Now I meet my knight in shining armor and …  

    I’m reading your comments and hope that my husband is just trying to make me feel secure when he talks negatively, but I really don’t need that. I know he loves me.   I’m very happy.   I was expecting positive support from this group.   

    My man is so kind towards me.   He includes me in all decisions.   I Skype his family weekly.   His parents love me too.  I met his dad.  Everyone seems so thoughtful.   

    Please pray for us.  I can’t continue with this group.  I feel I’m talking bad about my husband and not being loyal. 

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2016

    Secretary,
    You need to consider that your intended is not talking about one day wanting another wife because he wants to have children. He’s specifically talking about a cousin who he knows and it’s not a futuristic situation. It’s an immediate future deal.

    Does she know about you? Just as he is telling you that he only wants her for reproduction, he could very well be telling her that he only wants you for something in particular as well. He could be telling her that he wants to hold onto you because you are beneficial to him, her and their family in some kind of way. He has shown you what type of person that he is in that he is willing to use people. If he’s willing to use the cousin, what makes you think he isn’t using you? Is it because of LOVE? In some cultures love isn’t the same as Americans/Europeans love. Family and money is more important in some cultures. You have a lot to consider, as you stated.

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2016

    Secretary,

    Jasmina is one of the ladies here who is married to a man whose mother, his other wife and his mother-in-law all want her gone. Her husband is being pressure by them and it has an effect on Jasmina and his marriage. The other wife is the hand picked one. Jasmina struggles to hold onto her marriage. She is doing a very good job, despite the obstacles. Alhumdulliah!

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2016

    I suggest to Secretary that she walks away from love, before love breaks her heart


    David Ruffin ~ " Walk Away From Love " ~ 1975… by StrictlyMuzik

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    I was a bit taken back, too, when I read what Secretary’s intended said about his future wife. You’re correct; it was Aeysha who was here and shared how her husband treated her unfairly and unjust. She lived with her husband and his other wife.

    I think when it happens, most of the time the one wife who is treated better goes along with the bad treatment of the other wife by the husband. It probably makes her feel superior to the badly treated wife and it may be her way of punishing the other wife for being married to the same man. I think it’s a huge negative reflection of the wife who sits by and watch or partake in the bad treatment of the other wife. It lets one know what is in her soul. She has a dark heart.

    On the contrary, it appears that Secretary is different in that she says she doesn’t like her intended’s attitude and won’t tolerate it. The thing is, as you said, Secretary can’t make her husband treat the other wife with respect and dignity if he has no desire to do so. It’s where people go wrong in thinking they can control another. IF he’s truthful about his intention to treat the other as just someone who bears him children, the likelihood of her changing his mind maybe slim.

    The mere fact that she is with a man who has such bad intentions, is serious. Is it the type of man whom she can respect and love? In the long run, she may find that she can’t.

    I question her intended’s motives and intent. If his mother wants him to marry the cousin, it doesn’t sound any different than all the other cases that we hear about with regard to Pakistani men, although, he’s not Pakistani. Secretary’s husband will most likely obey his mother and marry the cousin whom he probably knows very well, and the marriage was arranged. Would the sister of his mother actually allow him to mistreat her daughter? Would the mother allow her son to mistreat her niece? Would he really be incline to mistreat his cousin? If he abhors her, he’d most likely wouldn’t marry her. I hate when husbands speak of the other wife as some type of undesirable.

    It sounds to me that Secretary’s intended was involved with Secretary and wants to continue the relationship. On the other hand, he intends to carry through with living tradition and culture. He may be a bullsh1t artist, pretending to be the man of any woman’s dream; her knight in shining armor; Prince Charming. Sadly, I think she’s getting played. We’ve read about cases such as it here way too often.

  • Tasliyman

    August 7, 2016

    Ana, you say you would like to hear more from 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives when an additional wife is referred to as a slave.  I think I’m in too much shock to even reply to that. 

    How can any woman be expected to be happy and accepting and live peacefully under those conditions with the husband AND the wife that he actually treats like a wife??? I suppose I didnt comment because I don’t know what to say. 

    Defending the position of the wife seems senseless to me in this scenario.  It’s more a case of acknowledging the fact that the woman the husband choose to bring into this family will actually be a human not an emotionless robot. 

    If the husband is just saying these things to get Secretary to agree to him having a second wife it could cause unexpected  difficulties for her along the way.  It’s one thing to agree to share a husband with someone he says he dont love and only need for a specific reason (eg. having children, or he cant leave her because of their children, or she wont cope on her own etc). It’s a total different story when you are faced with the reality that he actually do love her and care for her and that he desires the other wife too. 

    I wouldnt want to be in a position where my husband dont love me but he openly loves the other wife. I suppose it reminds me of one of the commentators that use to be here. I think her name is Aeysha. 

    With all Secretary’s good intentions, she cant make her husband treat the other with respect and dignity if he has no desire to do so. 

  • Marah S

    August 7, 2016

    Secretary, 

    with this new information you should adjust your expectation. If he’s marrying his cousin, then she most likely won’t like you and won’t want to be your friend. His family will probably choose her over you, which will make him incline more towards her. He says all these terrible things now but once she comes I don’t think he’s going to be able to treat her as second best. She may get the upper hand, he may give her more attention, more time, and more provision. Also Once she has those children she may start trying to give you the boot, using the children as leverage, and his family may very well support her and try to get him to leave you. 

    These things don’t have to happen there are always exceptions but these are some things that commonly happen when a polygamous man is marries his cousin.

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2016

    Marah S, well said! Hear ye, hear ye. Secretary, you need to take heed to what has been said here. Your bow maybe conning you. You’re thinking with your heart.

  • Marah S

    August 7, 2016

    Secretary,

    Alhamdulillah you cleared that up, it seems that you have a sensible understanding of what is to come, your husband on the other hand scares me, I feel bad for the woman who he traps into this mess.

    Just because a woman is a second wife doesn’t make her second best. He’s saying all these crazy things now but he doesn’t know what Allah has in store for him, he could marry her and then fall madly in love. He should be ashamed to be referring to a woman who will play one of the most significant roles in his life as a slave and downplaying her Importance. Not only is she going to be his wife but she will be the mother of his children, she will bare the human beings that will carry on his name.

    He says if she doesn’t become pregnant he will divorce her? this is cruel, selfish and just a terrible thing to do. And what will be her time limit, 2 years? 5 years? This woman that he’s marrying is a human being. She doesn’t deserve to be treated as a slave and a baby making machine. Not to mention it’s extremely difficult for women in certain cultures to find husbands after they’ve already been married and divorced. He would have ruined this Womans life.

    I think some of the women on this blog should be thankful for their husbands, maybe they fall short sometimes but at least they try to love you and treat you equal. You could’ve ended up with a man like secretary’s husband who has no respect, compassion, no mercy, and no intention to even treat you the right way.

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2016

    I don’t want to bust your bubble. It’s just not sounding right.

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2016

    whoops, there it is. So his mothet wants him to marry his 1st cousin. It sounds a lot like others situation on the blog. Again, you should read the Pakistani thread. When family marry family, the not related by blood are the outsides trying to get in. She will most likely be his priority because she is the mother’s pick, plus he will be taking care of her financially. It sounds to me that you’re being set up for a fall. He wants to remarry in a month or two? Does he intend to make you a legal wife?

  • Secretary

    August 7, 2016

    I pray and make duas everyday.  Allah has truly blessed me.   I’m so grateful for all I have.   I know Allah loves me and has chosen this destiny for me.  

    May all sisters accept Allah’s will and be happy.   This life is short.   Enjoy.   Smile.  Paradise awaits us believers who deserve it! 

  • Secretary

    August 7, 2016

    The second wife should expect to be treated equally YES.  I will make sure of that.  

  • Secretary

    August 7, 2016

    I hope I will not feel threatened by her being younger.  She will feel superior because they will have children together and he will financially support her.  I don’t need assistance. I’m secure.   

    If she respects me she can teach me more about Islam/culture (again she should feel superior about this) and I can share my experience and knowledge about motherhood/career opportunities.  (Previously,  I have been a wife for 21 years)

    I just hope she isn’t too young and immature.  Competition isn’t necessary. Doesn’t make sense.  We are planning to live in one house and we will share. We have to be happy.

    When we communicate, we understand 

  • Secretary

    August 7, 2016

    I don’t want to be better than any other woman/wife.   It upsets me when he talks insulting about the second wife.   I discourage those words.   I want her to feel welcomed and loved, part of our family.  

    He is going to look for the second wife September /October.  His mother is encouraging him to marry his first cousin on his mother ‘s side.   I’m uncomfortable with that because of genetic complications but he reassures me it’s halal.   I have to trust Allah knows best.  I will support them even if they have challenged children.  

    He says he will divorce her if they don’t have children.   

    So much to think about, trying not to overthink.

     

  • anabellah

    August 6, 2016

  • anabellah

    August 6, 2016

    Secretary,

    You said you want to know our thoughts without us holding back. If he marries a younger woman to bear children for him, you best believe that if she doesn’t like you, she is sure to make you feel and think of yourself as an old hag who has no children by him. It won’t necessarily be the truth, but it’s one way wives get back at one another. She will be the newcomer and she will make you feel that you are old and she is new. Just because she is younger she’ll THINK it gives her an advantage. A woman who knows the truth about Islam will LEARN to not let those type of things get to her. She’ll recognize it for what it is and will LEARN to dismiss it. Nonetheless, those are some of the things you should consider.

    Expectations cause unhappiness. You need to avoid living in your head. It’s not reality until it’s actually happens. What you, she and he expect may all be entirely different things. It would be good if you all are striving for singleness of purpose – to serve, worship and obey Allah.

  • anabellah

    August 6, 2016

    Secretary,

    When you said your future husband thinks the other wife would be more like a “slave”, I understand it’s the impression that he has given you. I don’t think he is a whole lot different than many of the men who are polygamous. Many have the tendency to tell a wife what he thinks she wants to hear or needs to hear to stay in the relationship and be content. A husband minimizes the importance of the other wife. He makes the one wife thinks the other is insignificant. I think it’s wrong on a number of levels. It takes away the equality of the wives. The only thing that should make a wife better than another is “righteousness”. The person who is the most righteous is the most honorable according to Allah. When a husband speaks down about another wife or diminishes her value, it causes the other to feel a sense of superiority. It causes the one to feel less important and valued. He gives the wives reason to compete for his love and to dislike each other.

    What’s wrong with a man saying he’d like to have another wife because he has that desire and he thinks he has the capability to love more than one wife and take care of her? It’s the respectable way to approach it.

    The way your husband has set it up, he has you thinking you will be better than the other wife and she only serves a purpose of giving him heirs. He has no idea how he will feel about another woman whom he hasn’t even met yet. He may meet a woman and fall madly in love with her. Then what? You’ll feel betrayed because all along you were thinking she was supposed to be a sex slave baby making machine whom he wouldn’t love.

    The other wife probably would expect to be treated as a wife who is loved by her husband and treated kindly and justly by him the same as you. Should she expect anything less than you do?

  • Secretary

    August 6, 2016

    The second wife being a  “slave ” is NOT my words.  My future husband said that.   I want harmony/happiness for all.  I know we all deserve respect. 

    I will give them their privacy/space.  But the second wife needs to know what our expectations are before she accepts/chooses to marry him.  

    No secrets.  

    I want peace for everyone.   If it’s good for us, Allah will bless us.  

  • Secretary

    August 6, 2016

    I hope my expectations don’t disappoint me too much.   That’s why I’m reading your posts and joined this group.   I need to know the truth.   

     

    Love some of the ideas!!!

  • anabellah

    August 6, 2016

    It is when comments are made such as the one we read about the additional wife being viewed as a “slave” that I’d like to hear more from wives who married their husbands in the order of 2nd, 3rd and 4th. They need to speak up and defend their position – unless, of course, they agreed with what was said.

    It’s not for the wife who married first to have to defend all wives all the time. It should be a joint effort among us all. All to often the other wives sit back silently and object to what was said, but don’t let their voices be heard regarding their thoughts and feelings.

  • anabellah

    August 6, 2016

    Marah S,

    Very, very nice post! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif You touched on some very important points.  It kind of rubbed me the wrong way when I heard the word “slave” associated with the potential future wifehttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

  • Marah S

    August 6, 2016

    Secretary,

    you are such a lovely person, I’m so happy to hear that you have recently accepted Islam and yet you are already so open to accept the entire religion. You have already achieved something that most Muslims fail to do in their entire life https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

    Some of the things you said may have been miscommunicatied. You said your husband thinks he’s getting a slave? and that you want a new bestfriend. I just want to remind you that this woman that he will be marrying is her own person and she should not be expected to serve everyone and fulfill everyone’s desires. You should remind your husband that she is not a slave or a servant for him she is only a slave and servant to Allah. She deserves to be treated with love and respect and as a legitimate wife. Also don’t put to much pressure on her to become your bestfriend. Some women are open to being friends with their co-wife and others prefer to stay away and live separate lives. So give her space and give her a chance to choose for herself what type of relationship she wants to have with you. 

    Other than that I think you will make an awesome wife and co-wife. At times I think about how nice it may be to have a co-wife, we could be friends and get together, we could teach our kids together and our kids can play together. We can spend eid as one big family. But then I have to snap out of it and remember that this is not a realistic expectation and that not every woman wants to have a close friendship with their co-wife and in some cases it’s better that way. 

  • Secretary

    August 6, 2016

    I am certain that he only wants the second wife to bear his children.   I’m going to have to convince him to respect her and treat her equally.   He thinks he’s getting a slave.  I want a new best friend (second wife for his children).  She will know about me and our intentions.   

     

  • Secretary

    August 6, 2016

    Honesty is important in any relationship 

  • Secretary

    August 6, 2016

    I think it’s wonderful that men can marry up to four wives.   No cheating!   If a man has a “sex addiction “, let him enjoy in a halal way.  Allah wants peace and wants good for us.  

  • Secretary

    August 6, 2016

    We are happy together but he wants his own children and I’m older.   When we first met he made this clear.   He was honest from the start.   My main attraction to him is that he loves Allah.  Obviously I do too.  We both practice sincerely.   I hope to marry him in a few weeks  (maybe next week ).  No exact date.   Whenever the Imam says.  No big ceremony, just witnesses.  

     

  • anabellah

    August 6, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum All :-)

    Interestingly, I watched a documentary this morning on MSNBC that was on for a several hours. I watched it until I got sleepy. The show was, “Sex Slave”. It was about prostitutes and the men who engaged in sex with them. It showed the prostitutes, the men, and the police who investigated the cases and arrest the men and women, as well as a former prostitute councilor. There were many similarities that I noticed between that situation and polygamy. Please let me make myself clear. In no way am I equating any wife with a prostitute. The documentary showed that most of the men who got caught were married or in committed relationships. They were very concerned about their wives or significant others finding out that they got caught soliciting sex from a prostitute. They said they loved their wives or the women they were engaged to and were happy with them. They feared losing their wives. Some ended up divorced and some stayed married. It was revealed that the men usually ended up blaming the wives or the one whom they were committed to for them engaging in the illicit activity. They basically said they weren’t getting the attention at home that they needed because the wives were busy with the children or careers etc. Nonetheless, they placed the blame on other than themselves.

    In some cities, the men were ordered to attend an eight hour course and had to pay a hefty fine, after which the offense would be wiped from their record. They were treated as men with a sex addiction. There I heard “sex addiction” again. I see it more of a person being controlled by his lower naf. The question is whether he would do the same if he was allowed four wives. Allah knows best. We know that the men in the documentary were living in a society that allows a man only one wife. As I stated, it was quite interesting.

  • anabellah

    August 5, 2016

    Secretary,

    It’s wonderful to hear you’ve reverted, my sister-in-faith. When your life change, Insha Allah, we’re here for you. If you have any questions now, we’ll try to answer as best we can.

    I’m so happy for you that he is a citizen. How soon do you intend to marry?

  • Secretary

    August 5, 2016

    Yes he has citizenship. No he isn’t Pakistani.  I am somewhat financially stable and he is working on his financial security.  We are wanting the second wife to live with us.  We are hoping together with three incomes we do well.  

    I love him and he is very honest.  

     

    I’m a new revert and still learning about Islam.   Reading the Qur’an, watching videos and talking to a few sisters I have met.  But I know I will need support when my life changes.   

  • ummof4

    August 5, 2016

    As-Salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Secretary, thanks for the clarification.  It is probable that if your husband has 2 wives that there will be jealousy.  I don’t believe there’s any way to avoid it, it just has to be controlled.  Allah gives all of us emotions because we are humans.  Our test is to control our emotions and not let our emotions control us.

    Please take to heart the several points of consideration that Ana mentioned about immigration and nationality – they are of utmost importance.

    May Allah make it easy for you to be married soon if it is what is best for you and your deen.

    Everybody, Jum’uah Mubarak!  Remember to make lots of du’ah today and every day.

  • anabellah

    August 4, 2016

    Secretary,

    I moved your one post over here. You had put it on the “Polygamy and the Pain” thread. You did one of my numbers. I’m good for posting on the wrong thread LOL. No problema :-)

  • anabellah

    August 4, 2016

    Jasmina,

    You said something very important. You said, “And continuing with my focus on Allah, I feel like it requires a constant commitment because it’s easy to falter when things start to go well or bad.” It does require a constant commitment. No one should ever get complacent and think that they are there and their work is done. It is easy to falter or backslide. One needs to constantly remember Allah and not slacken. There is an ayah in the Quran in which Allah lets us know that when the ease comes we should still strive hard and not think we can take it easy. I don’t know the words verbatim, but I think everyone knows what I’m trying to say. Thank, Jasmina.

  • anabellah

    August 4, 2016

    Secretary, Hello

    Thank you much for clarifying your post. I appreciate it. I kind of thought it was what you meant, but I didn’t want to assume.

    I’m glad you are happy with your intended, and I hope all goes well for you and him. I’m hoping that he is a citizen and you don’t have to worry about him wanting you primarily for immigration purposes. Furthermore, I hope he’s not Pakistani. I only say that as I’m assuming you’ve read the posts/threads on this blog about their culture and how they view love and marriage. I’m sure there are some exceptions to the rule. I wouldn’t want to take a chance to see if I’m the exception.

    I suggest that you have a good heart to heart with your intended about what position you and the potential wife would hold in his life. I’m hoping that he intends to take another wife to love her, take care of her and value her more than for just a baby making machine. I suggest that you let him know that he should vet the potential wife in an effort to ascertain whether she wants to join a family or replace you. I’d recommend that a man let the potential wife know that he’s seeking peace and tranquility in his life and the lives of his wives, which could only be obtained if the parties to the union are all on the same page. Inevitably women who marry the same man are inclined to compete with each other and vie for their husband’s attention. Each must make a effort not to do that.

    Being in a polygamous marriage is hard work. It entails a lot of work on oneself. No one knows how the marriage will be until one is in it. A man and a woman coming together in matrimony is difficult enough without adding another variable (another wife).

    It’s nice chatting with you. We’re here if you’d like to chat more.

  • Secretary

    August 4, 2016

    Yes I will marry the man first and then he intends to look for a second wife to have his children.  

  • Secretary

    August 3, 2016

    Hi ana

     

    I will try to clarify my life.   I had been previously married and have two children from that marriage.   Now I have met a young man with no children who wants to marry me and I have agreed but our condition is that he is able to have a second young wife to bear his children.  

    I’m reading your blogs to make sure this is what I/we want for our future.   I don’t want jealousy to interfere.  I love my future husband and I’m so happy.   I need to understand what life may be like and the challenges that could arise.   

  • ummof4

    August 3, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Secretary, welcome to the blog.  I am a little confused like Ana.  Are you saying that you will marry the man first, then he will marry another wife to have children; or are you saying that he is already married and is marrying you to have more children?

    Thanks Ana, I also love to read and spend time in bookstores and libraries.  Still until today when we have family gatherings my siblings always catch me reading something and say, “There she goes again, always reading.”  I have two children and three grandchildren who are avid readers, so I will use the Amazon for a gift book for one of them, In shaa’Allah.

    Allahu Akbar ! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!

  • Jasmina

    August 3, 2016

    Ameen thank you Karima. I’m dealing more so with the aftermath now. I’m working on my confidence and self esteem, and personal development in general inshallah. And the occasional issue which I try not to take to heart. And continuing with my focus on Allah, I feel like it requires a constant commitment because it’s easy to falter when things start to go well or bad. 

    I still have all the same problems, but with my new attitude inshallah they can get ironed out one way or another.

    1 day at a time.

     

  • Karima

    August 2, 2016

    Salam

    mashallah Jasmina

    what a remarkable change in you, may Allah keep giving u strength n guidance,!  Trying t establish ur own Business is greathttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • Jasmina

    August 2, 2016

    Ana

    thank you. I’m going to try to keep going with the business see if I can get through this hiccup.

    Tasliyman 

    yes keep moving forward. Even if every hour you need to reflect, dust yourself off and start over, it’s okay, forgive yourself and move forward, don’t look back.  Life is an uphill battle and I have a feeling this is how it’s meant to be so why look back. I had such a great childhood so when things went wrong as an adult I felt so cheated and I could not believe so much wrong happened to me.  Life is great Alhamdulillah. Its how I perceive it now. Anyone else may look at my life and wonder if I’m on drugs to say that lol, but who cares, I’m content, with the occasional drama, it’s all good.

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2016

    I had some free time, so I wrote a new post/thread:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-and-the-pain/

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2016

    I had the e-book done over format wise, as well, to make it better.

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2016

    While speaking about the book, FYI: for those who received the ebook as a gift and claimed it early on, there were some minor corrections that have since been made including minor changes about the author. It’s nothing significant to warrant you receiving an updated copy.

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2016

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Hi there, Sis. You made me smile to know you just popped in to say hello. :-)

    Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I was looking for an emoticon type thing that I love, which represents what you said. Insha Allah, I will find it and post it. :-)

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2016

    Secretary,

    It’s so nice to hear that you love the group here. We love having you here with us.

    Could you elaborate more on what’s happening with you. I may have misread you, but it sounds that you’re saying your husband married you as a second wife because he wants more children and wants you to have them. On the other hand, you said that you are 47 and have children already. I’d think he’d want a younger woman for that. Did I err in what I read?

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2016

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m so happy to hear that you had a wonderful anniversary vacation. Alhumdulliah! Insha Allah, get ready for your next one because it’s right around the corner the way that time is flying. :-)

    About the book, you could use the gift as a gift certificate at Amazon as well to buy whatever you’d like. It doesn’t have to be the book. Maybe you could give the gift certificate to one of your children, if they buy stuff online. When it comes to reading books, I like having a copy in my hands to read. I don’t read books on readers or online. It’s just me. I love books. Just being in Barnes & Nobles gives me such a pleasurable feeling. I love being in book stores.

    It’s good to have you back, my dear sister. I missed you.

  • Secretary

    August 1, 2016

    I am a 47-year-old new revert Muslim  woman who has decided to marry a Muslim gentleman who wants a second wife to have children with as I have two children and I’m aging.  I love this group.   It has given me the strength to trust Allah and accept His will. 

  • ummof4

    August 1, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Alhamdulillah, we had another wonderful and relaxing anniversary vacation.  Dunn’s River Falls in Ocho Rios in Jamaica is an awesome sight; I just sit in it for hours.  Allah’s creation cannot be explained by mankind, so we must enjoy its beauty and take care to preserve as much of it as we can.

    Ana, I don’t have Amazon or a kindle, so I have not been able to get the book.  I guess I’ll just have to buy it.

    Everyone take care and love Allah more than you love yourself.

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2016

    Alison, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    You held onto your spot as first to comment on the new thread, Yeah! :-)

    I’m so happy to hear you liked the book. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif It’s so amazing how just about all of us can identify with so much that a woman goes through in polygamous marriages. The only way to know it is when we all come together and discuss it.

    It’s always good to hear from you, Sis.

    Much love to you, too!

  • Karima

    August 1, 2016

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifAssalamu aleykum Ladies

    just stepped in to say Hi

  • Tasliyman

    August 1, 2016

    Aslm ladies. 

    Jasmina, you sound like a new person. Well done. 

    You’ve certainly come a long way and it gives me hope knowing that it can be done. I wish you all the best. 

    I’ve taken 1000 steps backwards over the last few days with things spiralling out of control very quickly but reading your posts gives me hope again.  I just need to dust myself off and try again. 

  • Alison

    August 1, 2016

    Asalam aleikum all . hope all are well

    Anna just finished the book and may Allah reward you it was a great one and thanks for making us not look abnormal as i can identify with all your feelings and experience

    Much love sis

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for August 2016. We thank you all for being here with us. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussion. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the July 2016 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-July-2016-discussions/