Polygamy 411 December 2016 Discussions

Polygamy 411 December 2016 DiscussionsWelcome to our polygamy 411 December 2016 discussions. The polygamy 411 blog and support group is for all who have a positive interest in polygamy. We invite all to join us here to talk about the subject. By all means feel free to discuss how it relates to you.

Our blog is not about how well anyone writes. To clarify, it is not about punctuation, spelling, grammar, correct or incorrect English, or any of those things. This is to say writing skills do not matter to us here. Basically, we urge all to express themselves in a way that is easy for them. Additionally, we allow our writers to use symbols, as well.

When reading the polygamy 411 December 2016 discussions, please be mindful that we are global

Please remember that people from all around the globe are here with us. Notably, for many, English is their second language and it’s amazingly awesome that they write here. For one thing, we only need to know how difficult it was and is to learn our own language to know what it takes for people to learn a foreign one.

I’m fascinated by the readers and the writers here. Particularly, I admire anyone who can speak or read a foreign language. Furthermore, I’m grateful for all the wonderful people who come to this blog. I thank Allah for it and for them.

I am so delighted to have you all join our polygamy 411 December 2016 discussions

With a few exceptions, we welcome all on the planet to our home. However, we will not accept anyone who is against polygamy. With this in mind, we will not allow anyone to come here to ask people to hate it. This is not a blog for those who reject polygamy as a way of life. For those whom we welcome, please share with us as much as you would like to share. Also, only share what you are comfortable in sharing. We’d like to know your thoughts on what you read here, as well.

Most people feel uneasy when they write on a blog for the first time. I remember the first time that I wrote on one. It felt strange. I felt as though people knew who I was. Today, many know who I am, so, it’s okay. In fact, there is a kind of freedom in being known. Without further to do, let loose. Don’t worry so much about what others think of you. Be you. There is only one you.

If you’ve missed reading any of the November 2016 discussions or would like to refresh your memory, the link to the thread is:

Polygamy 411 November 2016 Discussions

polygamy 411 December 2016 discussions

polygamy 411 December 2016 discussions

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754 Comments

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2017

    This thread is now closed December 2016 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All,

    Once again we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the December 2016 discussions and welcome in January 2017.

    Please join us at: Polygamy 411 January 2017 Discussions

    December 2016
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    Umm of2

    January 1, 2017

    This thread is CLOSED lol. 

    Happy New Years. I’m here waiting for the new discussion to open up ?

  • Saira

    December 31, 2016

    JazakAllah sisters 

    in sha Allah I will try and inshaAllah it will help me 

  • anabellah

    December 31, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    Happy New Year to you, too! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

    Happy New Year, All!

  • Karima

    December 31, 2016

    Sis Saira

    dates are great for pregnancy!!!

    Happy New Year to all of you my Sisters

  • anabellah

    December 31, 2016

    Sis Saira,

    I made an error. Google Raspberry tea, not Rosemary. I always get those two mixed up. Silly me. I will go in and change it in the last post to Raspberry. Sorry about that. Organic Raspberry is the best.

  • anabellah

    December 31, 2016

    Sis Saira,

    Insha Allah, go online and google and read about Raspberry tea, as well. There is a lot that the tea is supposed to do to help with pregnancy/labor. The dates that Serena mentioned are probably especially good.

  • Saira

    December 31, 2016

    JazakAllah sister sarena 

    in sha Allah I will try that and I know holidays period are like that but sometime you get lucky to have nice understanding doctor 

    I always go with my husband but he leve for something and alwsys in that time I get to face all this 

    i am skinny built female and tummy put huge pressure on my entire body 

    and my scar is is ripping point 

    but I was told each pain is good for me it shed all the sins from muslim when they face any tiny pain 

    that’s thing makes me think so positive Alhamdulilh 

     

  • Maryam

    December 31, 2016

    Indeed Serena, I did write my feelings and pro’s and cons down right after he told me about this, I asked him to give me some time to sort out my mind before I give my opinion on this.Writing things down helps me to clear my head, I don’t have to remember all the tings, and it puts everyting in perspective.

    Reading them over again I also ‘delete’ thoughts which are not important or relevant anymore. 

    At the end I end up with a few things which are really important to me and those things I keep in mind and re-read them if necessary.

    Everything goes well as long as I don’t think about him having a life with her, with somebody else because he wants childern. Going with her to his family and friends, she will live in his city. All the things you do and have in a marriage, she taking care about him when he is sick in the time he is with her, etc etc.

    Doing this while loving me I just cannot understand, but this is because I could never do this to him. So this I must let go, and sometimes I can and sometimes I can’t.

    I also feel a little bit that at the time I’m okay with this, when I stop caring about this, I stopped caring about him or about us and for me this doesn’t feel good. I don’t like to stay in a marriage with somebody I don’t care about, or at least not enough anymore.

    Just some thoughts https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

     

    I will look up that book first Ana LOL

     

  • anabellah

    December 31, 2016

    Maryam,

    I think Sis Serena called it right about what you’re going through right now. You’ll be okay and back to “normal” soon, Insha Allah ?

  • anabellah

    December 31, 2016

    Maryam, I know. Reading and hearing stuff like that wakes me up quickly and make me think of all the blessing I have. It makes me grateful.

    Yep, Dr. Gray wrote a number of books. Another one was entitled, I think it was “Mars and Venus in the bedroom” LOL

  • anabellah

    December 31, 2016

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You too, Sis Serena, hope you have a wonderful 2017? I love the start of a New Year. I’ m always hopeful each year will be better than the last ?

  • Serena

    December 31, 2016

    Salam

    Saira

    Apologies about anything in past I may have said that hurt you.

    Alhumdulillah you still manage to pray. Remember Allah will make it easy for you just remember him much and bear patiently.

    I heard eating dates helps with energy especially during last few weeks of pregnancy. You could soak them in milk and drink it few hours later.  Adding ground almonds and pistachios to milk for energy. Green vegetables are good for the iron levels and red meat. 

    Saira try taking someone with you to the hospital who can also speak English fluently. Although I haven’t experienced it I have seen some professionals showing a racist behaviour to people who can’t speak English well. Don’t stress about it and always take names of the staff that you see in case you have to make a complaint. 

    Its the holiday period these few days so Saira it might be difficult to get female staff as soon as possible. Don’t put your and baby health and at risk. If you feel uncomfortable with male medical staff tell your husband to stay with you or someone else. 

    Maryam

    You probably going through the roller coaster of feelings.  Keep remembering it’s a trial and insha’Allah you will get through it. Its sensible to weigh out the advantages and disadvantages of staying because it helps to make decisions. Perhaps write the reasons down and every time you feel down look at the reasons you wrote. 

    Hope everyone has a wonderful 2017. 

     

     

     

     

     

  • Maryam

    December 31, 2016

    That is incredible.

    Makes you think again about how blessed we are and must appreciate the life given to us.

  • Maryam

    December 31, 2016

    and about us https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

  • Maryam

    December 31, 2016

    I didn’t know he wrote 5, I will see if I can find the e-books https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif Want to know more about men lol.

     

  • anabellah

    December 31, 2016

    Some of the things that women go through is incredible:

    Teenager dies after being sent to shed because she was menstruating

  • anabellah

    December 31, 2016

    Hi Maryam,

    I have about five of Dr Gray’s books that I bought and read when they first got published. They are so good and very helpful in helping to understand self and the opposite sex.

    It’s Fajr time now, so Insha Allah, I’ll be back to chat later ?

  • Karima

    December 31, 2016

    Saira welcome back Sis and may Allah take care of you and your baby

  • Maryam

    December 31, 2016

    Hi you all,

     

    Still here so now and then, still ups and downs https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif and sometimes really I have no idea how to handle this all and IF I can handle at all. Sometimes I feel it’s best just to leave him will be the best, what do I have to lose, only the love of my life but I will recover from that. No kids, which makes it easier to leave him. But then I think okay, then I miss him forever :-( and I feel in “this life” I am closer to Allah. When I go back to my country or I choose to live here alone I am more tempted to live my “former” life so this also keeps me from going. I will hang in lol.

    I’m sorry but so much written in those days I wasn’t here so I can’t read all and I’m afraid  I’m also not so much of an adviser, but do know that I really feel for you all and hope that everyting turns out well for you all.

    I did see things about the difference about men and women. A very interesting read is the book Men are from Mars, women are from Venus from John Gray. I just finished it and do understand men better now https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif haha. No really, you know men are different, but reading this book gives you a little bit a view inside his head https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

     

    Dear sisters I wish you all good health and happiness for the new year, that we all may stay firm in our belief and close to Allah https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

     

  • Saira

    December 31, 2016

    JazakAllah sister Ana 

    I know what u mean but I got so hurt as theses people know me and seeing female doctor sitting there and still made me w8 that long hurt me 

    some doctors are very racists especially I don’t have good accent to speak English 

    as you said I just make dua that Allah give me what I can handle 

    But part of me is happy sister Ana that you forgive me and spoke to me 

    we not met each other but still there was something missing and seen your email in right moment when I was broke down in pain And your email lighten my shoulder and pain 

    may Allah give you goodnes here and after Ameen 

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2016

    I change “test” to “trial” in the last post.

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2016

    Saira,

    There you are, my dear sister https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gifWa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m so happy you’ve come back. I’ve missed you. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through so much. Stay strong. Just imagine what Mary, the mother of Prophet Jesus (PBUH) went through, giving birth all alone out there in the desert. What a tremendous trial it was for her. This could very well be a huge trial for you.

    I’ll make duah for you that you’ll be okay. If I were you and couldn’t get a female doctor, I go with the doctor who was available. Allah wrote the script. You’re not there trying to turn on a doctor sexually or get turned on. You’re not there trying to satisfy some lust. A doctor is a professional.  It doesn’t have to be an emergency for me. I’m going to the best doctor and I don’t care if it’s a male or a female. Allah doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear. We put the additional burden on ourselves.

    I put the article on the blog about the people in Saudi that let those Muslim girls burn up in a building and wouldn’t let them escape because their hair wasn’t covered. That some crazy, messed up, whacked stuff and pure ignorance. Islam is a sensible religion.

    My primary physician doctor is a male. There are ooo gooo gobs of female doctors out there. I don’t care. He ‘s a male and I don’t care what anyone think about it. If it’s a sin, may Allah forgive me. He says He forgives all but the most heinous sins.  My good deeds have to outweigh my bad and Insha Allah they will.

    Take good care of yourself, sis Saira. I’ll make duah for you and your baby.

  • Saira

    December 30, 2016

    Aslamu alaykum 

    sister Ana and all of you

    wish you all very happy advance new year 

    I got lovely email from sister ana 

    JazakAllah khair sister

    its all done and dusted I forgot all and never was able to write as I been not well at all

    and  proud to say you guys were hard on me but did teach me how to be thank full 

    Alhamdulilah Instead of looking and comparing my self for worldly things I turn to Allah I am doing some Islamic essential corse and busy in exams

    my health took horrible turn and been in pain from weeks where I even had to read namaz while lying down am in tears in pain 24/7

    from one week I am having huge contraction my body and mind is so tired 

    as they said it’s not active labour it can take hours days or weeks 

    and been given paracitamol 

    make dua for me and my unborn wellbeing

    and  quick  labour for me 

    my hemogloben getting low day by day and just on other night I was at hospital and I requested female doctor to examine me down below and I refuse male  doctor and yet having no patient at all I made to w8 8 hours for female doctor and she was so racists vd me. I was in tears 

    make dua sisters that they gave me female doctors especially when something is booked before hands as I am not talking about emergency situation 

    i had some medical issues and not being diagnose in past and again am facing same issue and begging them to keep an eye so my unborn don’t get deadly infections 

    Forgive me all sisters 

    my cousins and inlaws and co and all beside me every one worried for me and giving me much much help which I never dreamed Alhamdilih 

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2016

    She had emailed me quite some time ago, but I just got caught up in doing so many things that I was just able to email her back now.

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2016

    Mari2,

    There is no post in which Saira said she was leaving the blog and why. She emailed me a very nice message and said why she thought it best to leave. I think as Jasmina had pointed out, we were coming down a bit hard on her and we apparently made her feel attacked. She is pregnant and it would be a good outlet for her to be here especially now to support her. She was concerned about maybe not being understood as well. English is not her first language. I’m hopeful she’ll come back.

  • Mari2

    December 30, 2016

    I apparently missed why sra saira left the blog and the why.  Can you link?

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All :-)

    Just want to let you know that I emailed Sister Saira and asked her to come back to the blog. I miss her being here. She was very helpful to us. If she returns, it’s best that we don’t discuss her son, as it is a sensitive topic. Let’s try to be as helpful, positive and supportive of her that we can be. Insha Allah, she’ll return.

    Thank you all, much!

  • Mari2

    December 30, 2016

    Ummof4,

    I like how you explained that in some cultures men and women often live seperately and there is no division of labor between couples as to household tasks and childrearing as is here in much of the west.

  • Mari2

    December 30, 2016

    Concerned,

    I chuckled at your wise conclusion that a husband indeed keeps a woman busy. I am actually a bit excited that 2 will arrive soon, along with MIL and release me from some of my cooking and laundry duties.  Though M and I dont see each other much during the week, I am the one who cooks for him and launders for him through out the week.  M’s been working a crazy schedule of double shifts, and his sister who lives with him is often too busy attending her 3 young children to have time to cook for him or clean his clothes.  Understandable.

    So it is not unusual that I hurry home after work and cook and deliver meals to him at his place of employment.  I dont mind usually, but some evenings this may mean that I don’t finish my day until 9 PM or so. Its tiring.   I try to cook meals in advance and have them in the fridge for him to take, but sometimes it doesnt work out that way, so I have to deliver.  Plus, I am not just feeding him but also his single, male coworkers as well, so I need to plan big batches.

    Needless to say, I was a bit giddy that with the arrival of 2, Monday thru Friday menu execution will now be her responsibility :)  And I can focus my cooking time to be on the weekend which is when I have the leisure to shop and make more complex recipes which I enjoy.

    M said, and I really hope he was joking, “Cant you just keep cooking for me and I can stop by every night and pick up the food?”

    I was all like:  ummm…no.  Her day, she cooks for you and co workers, my day, I do.  I am not running a take out joint.

    And sleeping like a starfish…priceless!

  • Karima

    December 30, 2016

    Tasliyman detto my husband description lol

  • Tasliyman

    December 30, 2016

    Karima, some men actually dont know how to deal with an emotional,upset or negative woman. So it could be that he reacts negatively because he’s just not equipped to deal with the situation. 

    It could also be that he feels like a failure because no matter how hard he tries to make you happy it doesn’t seem to work.  Men are weird – That’s my motto https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2016

    Concerned, Wow, you described that so perfectly :-) The beauty of living in a polygamous marriage. It truly is like having the best of both world. Enjoy your alone time Giving Thumbs Up Winking

  • Concerned

    December 29, 2016

    Also, the way we perceive the things our husband do plays a huge role. Once he came back with some chocolate, a heart shaped sweet/candy and a few other things. I was so happy with him. They were all my fav things. I sat and thought he put in an effort to choose theses things for me on his way home. A few days later ai went into the same shop and all the items he brought were right there on the counter (next to the till). Whereas I thought he’d walked around the shop and carefully selected my fav items, he’d actully just grabbed the things by the till and thought ‘that’ll do’ lol. Maa shaa Allaah, he must have had a good intention, cuz he got alot of benefit from that lol. Happy wife, happy life (atleast sometimes) 

  • Tasliyman

    December 29, 2016

    Karima, 

    Thank you for your kind words but I see myself as just a woman trying to do the best I can. 

    I still face challenges on a daily basis but with the tips I’ve picked up here I am much better equipped to deal with it.  Not only issues pertaining to my marriage but in all aspects of life.

    I am glad that you are able to identify the positive things in your husband and marriage. Remember to turn to Allah for guidance in everything – when things are good and when it gets tough. 

  • Concerned

    December 29, 2016

    Tasliman,Ana

    I cant remember If I watched something or read it as it was so long ago, but it was similar to what you watched. Mens expression of love though action,like taking out the rubbish, doing errands, running a bath etc. My husband was like this (did bits and bobs, but not vocal)  till he became polygamous,then he ‘upgraded’ and brought me gifts. He would make sure I was out and leave little presents around the house (like, jewlery, shoes, chocolates). Sometimes there would be handwritten notes. Now, hes more vocal and affectionate  (hugs, kisses, nice words) its funny how they can change the way they express themselves. 

    Karima

    Dont take it personal that ur husband doesn’t like you being emotional and angry, no man iv ever known has enjoyed the company of an angry, emotional woman. 

     

    Iv been so busy with the husband for his nights here, you really dont realise how much time a man takes up till he marries again. Im getting ready to sleep like starfish. Iv got my favourite pjs on, a high quality cheesecake and a good movie to watch (‘fences’ with Denzel Washington). Oh the joys of being married and still being able to act single,lol. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2016

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam :-)

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everybody out there in cyberspace

    Insha Allah, you’re gearing up for a very happy new year!

    2016 was awesome for me and Insha Allah, 2017 will be just as good or better. I’m hoping you’ll all have a blessed 2017
    New Year confetti

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2016

    Karima,

    It’s so nice how you looked at your relationship with your husband and realize that he’s got some very good qualities and you don’t want to part with him, besides that you both love each other deeply. You’re right, Sis – who are we to play God. Good thing you’re going to straighten up and fly right LOL Who knows when and if Allah will take a person from our lives and we don’t realize how much we loved the person and want the person until it’s too late when he’s gone.

    It’s awesome that you’re going to try to make the best of the two weeks that you and he have left. Insha Allah, make a really, nice, fun vacation out of it. Men like when they feel they’re making their wives happy. :-)

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    I love your post about expressing love, and expectations. I see how what was said on the program that you watched had merit. Before I became Muslim and in the early days of, I used to read a lot of books about relationships. I recall reading that men express their feelings through sex. I thought that was interesting. Some men aren’t verbal about how they feel. They don’t express emotions the way women do. Although, some do.

    It’s funny how people use the word love differently. There was a co-worker who when she spoke with her husband on the phone, would always say, “I love you” or “I love you, too” before she hung up. I said to another co-worker, about them, isn’t that so special and sweet. She said, no. It’s a habit when it’s said routinely like that. It made sense. When I speak with my older sister on the phone, for instance, she always says, “I love you” before we hang up. I got into a habit of saying it to her, now, following her lead.LOL

  • ummof4

    December 29, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Welcome Anjum.  You sound as if you have a good head on your shoulders and are striving to be an obedient servant to Allah.  That’s the most important thing to do in life – obey Allah.  Your husband had already prepared you for polygyny, so it wasn’t a shock to you.  He will probably spend more time with you than with his other wife, due to his business.  May Allah bless you, your husband, and his new wife with peace in this new phase of life.  

    As far as husbands not spending little time with their families, some people come from cultures where men and women are separate most of the time.  Husbands and wives never or rarely go out together.  Women socialize with women and men socialize with men.  Women in these cultures do not look at marriage, love and companionship the same way that women in the US or other countries do.  For these women, the fact that the husband is only around for 2 weeks every 3 or 4 months is not a problem; they still have their family and friends, and usually are near their fathers, brothers and uncles, who can provide protection.  

    As Ana says, to each his own.  As long as there is no abuse and the wives are not “left hanging”, it’s okay.

    Everyone have a nice day and a blessed Jum’uah tomorrow,          In shaa’Allah.

  • Karima

    December 29, 2016

    tasliyman you are a very bright woman Mashallah 

  • Karima

    December 29, 2016

    I’m starting to realize Husband is really a very good man good hearted well mannered and attractive with a good job alhamdulellah ( ok I knew that but I can understand him having women throwing themselves at him- not muslims of course- so his other most propably loves him deeply n cant live without him- been there n know the pain sigh-  

    he has never said anything out of the blue to hurt me he never opened a discussion on the matter he behaves normally as if there would be only me in his life- apart the 2 nights away became 4- says it’s work but I think is with the other one

    i think this is his way to handle it he avoids confrontation with me he hates it if I’d get crazy n cry n get upset n all

    if that’s not the case n I’m wrong I leave it to Allah who am I to play God??? I have so many flaws I need to work on:(

    we still have 2 weeks left so now I’ll really try to make the best out of it inshallah 

    i cant thank you enough Ana and all of you jazak Allah kheir

     

     

  • Tasliyman

    December 29, 2016

    Ana, 

    I am the type of person who wants to hear “I love you” while my husband is the type of person who very seldom will say it on his own.

    It used to bug me until saw a tv programme once where they discussed the different ways that people love. They said that people tend to love someone in the way they want to be loved yet fail to realise that there’s different ways of expressing love. 

    Some people express it with words (I love you), some do it physical touch and hugs etc, some do it by spending quality time together while some do it with actions thorough their day-to-day interaction with each other. 

    Expectations play a big role here. A wife (myself included) expects her husband to express his love in a certain way but he might be the type that express it differently.  Once I became aware of this I didnt need to hear him say it so often because I could identify it in his actions and all the little things he does everyday. Now that I dont bug him about it anymore he actually says it more often.   

    We’ve had the discussion before of expectations and how it can affect your behaviour and life. This is just another example why you shouldnt have unrealistic expectations. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

  • Karima

    December 29, 2016

    Sorry Jane meant to be is lol

  • Karima

    December 29, 2016

    Ana this amicable agreement ain’t gonna work lol sigh lol cause we are attracted to each other n there are feelings still there are from my side too though I try to deny. It so basically i lie to myself

    He can’t b such a great actor and pretend during sex that he wants me and all, right???

    i think I am having trouble accepting he loves both of us as I have my own insecurities and complexes that I carry since childhood

    i read Tasliyman post and Jane excellent jazak Allah kheir to both of u

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2016

    Karima,

    You asked, “how to stay married having the amicable agreement on mind when he wants to have sex???”

    If it’s something you’re interested in doing (having an amicable agreement), you must first figure out what you want. For instance, you could ask him to agree that you and he will stay married and he continue to support you and the children, and he could satisfy his sexual desires with his other wife and exclude you. It’s an example that comes to mind. You could let him know that when and if you want to resume sexual relations with him, you’ll let him know.He may say that he wants to be able to go to her anytime and not need your permission. It’s a give and take situation. He benefits and you benefit.

    With an agreement such as it, you don’t have to give him any sex, which you said you don’t want with him. At the same time you will have the security in that he will continue to take care of you and your family. I’m just giving you an idea of how someone may work that out. Are you willing to go for something like that? It may work in instances where wives have children and don’t want to divorce.

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2016

    Karima,

    It’s funny when people ask another if the person loves her or him. What is the person to say? The person who asks wants to be loved. If the person who answers is brutally honest and says no, it hurts the person who wants to be loved. Why ask? Actions speaks louder than words. A person usually can tell whether another loves him/her or not. Even if the person can’t tell, I think it’s a sign of insecurity to have to resort to asking.

    It’s easy for many people to lie or to tell another what they think the other wants to hear. I’m not one who wants to hear a lie. I can figure things out without having to ask when it comes to stuff like that. It usually turns a person off when he or she is asked a question like that. It makes the person who asks seem needy. No one wants to be around a needy person.

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2016

    Karima,

    I suggest you read Tasliyman’s post that’s on another thread. Here’s the link Tasliyman’s post It’s a very good post and it should help you.

    Blaming others is detrimental to oneself. Blame hinders a person from taking responsibility for self and it harms the person who harbors the ill feelings. It does nothing to the person who is blamed.

    Until you let go of blaming your husband for how you feel and how your life has turned out, you will continue to suffer. You will continue to be in pain and your life will continue to be in turmoil. There is no and, or and ifs about it. It will be your life.

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    As long as you remain with him, you’ll just have to go through it and try to get to a good place. For some who stay, it takes years. Those who stay in it for years because they love their husbands and they know that their husbands love them, have joy and happiness along with the trials and pain. They weather the storm together. They take the bumps and the bruises along the way. I can say for a fact that once one makes it through it, she can have so much joy, peace and contentment in it. She wouldn’t want it any other way.

  • Karima

    December 28, 2016

    the memories u talk about… my memories with him have to do with two pregnancies in danger cause I had suspicions he was cheating- second delivery was even more difficult even the doctor told him she can’t let 

    the baby to be delivered cause she thinks u love someone else u are cheating on her n all. By that time I found by accident their mails to each other n photos n all.

    they tried to defend themselves and deny it say it was a misunderstanding . Well

    the last year since she s been contacting me often I know there is more than that propably a secret marriage 

    alahmdulellah he is not the mini God and I realize there is wisdom behind all

    this and this journey is still going on

  • Karima

    December 28, 2016

    I have the feeling husband lied and deceited me in order not to hurt me and/or to avoid seeing me reacting like crazy and making his life difficult as I did many times – but not without reason- she was contacting me and hurting me….

    i don’t know if he loves me a lot or little or stays for the kids. Even if I ask him his answer will be sthng like:of course I do… what a silly question 

    how to forgive him? My ego is wounded and I think I am a selfish person with an impure heart.. I have made some progress but still have a long way to go…

    i avoid going near him physicllay I keep a safe distance .  I avoid being in the photos we take cause my smile will

    be fake. He is nice acts politely smiley and all he is trying

    sorry if I sound negative Ana but that’s how I feel 

    how to stay married having the amicable agreement on mind when he wants to have sex???

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2016

    I think most wives in polygamous marriages get an opportunity to know what it’s like for crazy to come out Crazy Sign been there and done that LOL

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2016

    Anjum,

    Yep, you sure do have enough firsthand, hands on experience with polygamy and in dealing with a nut jobhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif to know that being in a polygamous marriage isn’t easy LOL It’s an unforgettable experience.

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2016

    Oh, Karima, it sounds so wonderful https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif Alhumdulliah! Insha Allah, make your intent to make the best of it. Make some memories that you can hold onto when the going gets tough back at home. Enjoy just the two of you with him not going off to be with the other. In fact, just put her with him out of your mind completely. Make this your special timehttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif You want him to go back home holding onto the memories, as well. It should bring you closer together. It’s bonding time :-)

  • Anjum

    December 28, 2016

    @Ana

    I agree that your post was very nice.

    I’m very aware that the relation with co can change, as I said we are still early on. I just take one step at a time and see which way it goes.  I just wrote an email to her as hubby asked me to send her a receipe. I didn’t wrote to much else, only that I hope she is ok. I’m sure he is trying to get us into contact with eachother although I think he is not to sure if he wants us to be friends or not lol.

    Everything what happened with my ex co affected all of us a lot and I believe that we all learned some lessons from it now we just need to remember them 

     

  • Karima

    December 28, 2016

    I meant husband enjoys this time with the kids and his family in general :)

  • Karima

    December 28, 2016

    Alhamdulellah we are having a good time every day we go somewhere me husband and kids and we have his brothers n sisters visiting us often and then the weekend we have a traditional family gatherings alahmdulellah I’m doing better and try to enjoy my kids and husband too.  He takes us out for lunch and shops for us and all alhamdulellah so no complain alahmdulellah 

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2016

    Alhumdulliah, Sis Karima, are you having fun yet with you in-laws :-)

  • Karima

    December 28, 2016

    Ana what a great post you wrote to  Anjuum and to all of us!!! Jazak Allah kheir

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2016

    Anjum,

    I’m with you that your husband’s first wife whom left the marriage won’t have a nice outcome if she doesn’t do something to get her heart right. As you stated, it sounds that she has a heart full of poison and hate.

    I truly think that polygamy is a very good thing for women because it brings out that poison and hate from the heart. It brings it to the surface so that all can see it. Most importantly, the woman sees herself. Then she can do what is necessary to remove that negativity from her heart. It doesn’t happen over night, but in due time, it can.

    Those women who make no effort, but leave the marriage due to dislike of polygamy many times just move on, as though they are trying to run from their problems, but, in essence, have taken their problems with them.

    Some Muslim don’t realize that we can’t cherry pick the parts of our religion (Islam) that we like. Islam is a complete way of life. Allah says those who don’t accept the entire Quran are no better than an unbeliever. He says enter Islam wholeheartedly. He says give Him full-time worship. He doesn’t like for us to give him part-time worship.

    If they don’t get their hearts purified, they are doomed. Allah says we cannot enter Paradise with a diseased heart. Alhumdulliah, that she is gone and you have a co-wife whom, Insha Allah, will be better.

    About communicating with your co, you said, it seems awkward. It’s understandable. Just expect that she may change from being cordial once she gets more invested emotionally with your/her husband. It’s been known that a co-wife can tend to turn on the other wife once she begins to love him more and want him all to herself. I’m not saying it will happen, but it can. I suggest you be kind, but not put yourself out there as in over-extend yourself to her until you get a better idea of what she’s about. Sometimes being forward pushes the other away and you achieve the opposite of what you set out to accomplish.

  • Anjum

    December 28, 2016

    Thanks for all your welcomes https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

    Personally I wouldn’t want to be seperated from my husband for such a long  time as we are really close and I don’t think that you can have such a close relation on a long distant relation. At the moment the next visit is planned end of february or March for around 2 weeks. As we have a business here it is not possible for hubby to divide his time fairly and stay half of the time in her country and she is well aware of that and she agreed to that.

    She will also come here to see hubby but as she is full time working that is depending on when she gets time off from work.

    Alhamdulillah they can travel easily without visa restrictions wich makes it easier.

    @Ana

    Hubbies first wife was really something. She actually threatened my now co to kill herself if she should go forward with the nikkah https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif. She used to practice a pick and mix islam where she refused all the parts which she didn’t like and she was really sneaky.

    I’m actually glad she left because I don’t think it would be very nice if she would have stayed. 

    After he married me she put him an ultimatum to leave me and she called his whole family and also his family friends in his country to make sure they all know what a bad person he is and how evil I am. She created a lot of damage and never even tried to get on with me or polygamy itself even though when she married him she agreed to it but I think she thought hubby just talks and doesn’t mean it really

    In the end I do feel sorry for her because she got a poisoned heart full of hate and she won’t be happy if she stays that way.

    Now I’m basically in her position but it would never even cross my mind to treat my co that way and I think my co sees it likewise as she went through first wifes drama too

    @Tunis

    Hubby told me a lot about my co (nothing to private thoug) and I do feel a bit awkward to have contact with her at the moment just mainly because I don’t know her and its a bit strange to talk about our husband. Just don’t really know what to do with her right now but inshallah we will overcome that awkwardness and adjust to each other and can stay on friendly terms (doesn’t mean we have to become best friends). At the moment its going all fine but obviously its all still early days 

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2016

    tunis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    So, you’re a bit used to him being gone for long stretches at a time. I suppose it’s all about what people agree to. If the parties are okay with it,I suppose, who is anyone else to have a problem with it?

  • tunis

    December 27, 2016

    Welcome Anjum…..my husband to just married one month ago too…..I try to just stay focused on my relationship between me and him.  Although I have n contact and very little knowledge with/of  the other sister ….yet ? Sometimes I beginning to think this is better. ???

    Welcome again sis..and yeah everything here on this blog is real interesting  and helpful…https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • tunis

    December 27, 2016

    Asalamu akaikum  Ana

    Well from what I have learned ..the max amount of time a man can stay away from his wife is  6 months. Longer if the wife should agree. So if he needs/wants to be equal in time with wives in different countries…the months would be divided…..as with myself….my husband,  inshallah, will be spending 5 1/2 months with me and 5 1/2 months with co…and one month he works in another place.  But for me it may be easy to deal with polygamy this way..becoz  for almost 23 out of 29 yrs of marriage my husband would be gone 4 months and 8 months with me….But now that he is married  inshallah  he will do a 5 1/2 month division.  Although  since he is building another house atop property he owns in other country he is at right  now.  ….I am expecting he may stay longer up to 7 months..for he needs to return to US to run his business. I dont think I would object to this..or do I even have a say in this???   If He did not start any building of a property…to me he would really have no need to stay there beyond 6 months..even if he is newly married. Because at this moment I dont know when he will return….since he left me in Oct…when I ask when might return.  he says I dont know yet..lol.   I will be patient and a little understanding.   Because 6 months is really the tops for me. And there is hadith on this.

    What about those women whose husband are away in military..or for work reasons….this is life for some couples.  It was me and my 4 kids alone in a foreign country for 4 months a year.  I managed.  Made friends who helped me…etc….hubby would email 2x a month back then or call…..then skype came along..it was once a week…then now the iphones…about every 2 -4 days he calls.  So according to hadith …..back then women went without their husbands for long periods of time….even in our modern times….nothing changed…except being able to chat and see each other..almost like being there..yeah?

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2016

    I can’t promise that we’ll be friends forever Sad Eyes because I won’t live that long
    but, Sad to Happy Insha Allah, we’ll meet up in jannah

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2016

    Anjum, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m glad you’ve come out to chat with us. Thank you much for sharing your story. WOW, it seems that you all went through quite a bit with the first wife. She left after just three days? Interesting…

    It is very difficult to begin to share a husband after having been monogamous and especially for ten years that you said you and he were. It’s a huge adjustment. It’s really nice that you and your co are cordial.

    You said she lives in another country. What will the schedule be like? I always thought long distant marriages were weird. It seem so unIslamic to me. If a husband is to dwell with his wife in peace and tranquility and he is the protector and maintainer of her, how can he do that from so far away? To me, it seems to go against the grain. The purpose of marriage is for a husband and a wife to be together. Nothing in the Quran support such a marriage. It’s just my views about it. No offense to you.

    Please feel free to jump in and chat with us. I’m so happy you are here :-)

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2016

    Sis Umm of2,

    Thank you for checking it out and letting me know about it. Insha Allah, I have to go take a look. The quality of the one that I recorded from TV years ago is okay. I had it professionally copied from a VHS onto a DVD. I just prefer a better professional DVD copy of it. I keep checking Amazon every so often to see if they’ve got it yet.

    It appears it won’t air on TV anymore either based on a review of it that I found. It’s said to be an “Orphan Movie”. I’ve never heard of an “orphan movie” before. I have to google it. Orphans get treated badly :-( The review is below:

    “I saw “Slave of Dreams” when it was aired on Showtime a few years ago and was quite impressed with not only Sherilyn Fenn’s performance, but with the rest of the primary cast also.

    I thought the movie was extremely well done, given that it seemed to fall in the “Ancient Egypt” type of historical category. I feel that for that reason, this movie was not viewed by many when it aired. That is quite unfortunate in that the production offered a great deal more than the title and period setting might have indicated.”

    For this reason, I consider it an “orphaned” movie that most likely will not be shown again, and a movie that is so dismissed that one cannot even purchase it through any of the various movie vendors.

    Such a shame, but this sometimes occurs with excellent productions that seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Should it by some strange circumstance be shown again, I certainly recommend it!

  • Umm of2

    December 27, 2016

    Sis Ana on YouTube go to nabi  yusef with English subtitles. Very great quality. It tells the story of Prophet Joseph beautifully and in superb quality 

  • Jasmina

    December 27, 2016

    Yes karima Allah knows best

  • Jasmina

    December 27, 2016

    That sounds like a good movie to watch

  • Anjum

    December 27, 2016

    Asalam alaykum everyone, I’m really glad I found this blog and I’m reading here from quiet a while silently and now decided to participate. 

    My husband married my co wife last month and I think now I’m trying to get to terms with it. When I married him 10 years ago I did it actually as second wife but after only 3 days into our marriage wife nr 1 decided to pack up and leave him bcos she couldn’t cope although not after doing all sorts of nasty things and trying to make our life really hard ( which she also did afterwards for some time). 

    I always knew that my husband sooner or later is going to marry again. He never made a secret out of it but he made it also very clear that it is not bcos something is wrong with me. He always wanted to have 2 wifes.

    Along the years there came 2 or 3 ladies along which he considered and he always took my opinion also and I wasn’t happy with any of them but now the one he married seemed to be pretty ok. She (my now cowife) actually met him about 5 years before I did but his nasty wife nr 1 put her off with all sorts of mean behaviour so she backed off and decided not to marry him. They came into contact again about 2 years ago and they went ahead now. She came one time to meet him last year with her friends and now few weeks ago my husband went to meet her family (she lives in a different country then we do so its not so easy to meet). A few weeks later he met her again and they went on with the nikkah.

    After he came back he told me (I know he did it even though he didnt told me before that he goes there to do nikkah but his behaviour gave him away anyways) He told me when he came back ( I didn’t told him I know) and I didn’t take it in any wrong way.

    After that co called me once through his phone and spoke to me. She seemed very sween and lovely person although she was very appologetic and she insistend that she don’t want to take anything away from me. I honestly found it quiet awkward to talk to her. She also invited me to come to her country with our husband together.

    We did send eachother some gifts but through him. I don’t really want to rush into too much contact with her straight away as I feel its strange.

    The hardest thing I find so far is to give up on some part of my husbands life as we are really close and did always everything together and he shared everything with me and now there will be some part of his life without me.

    I hope I can take more part in ongoing discussions as the topics here are really interesting and do affect me a lot in my personal life.

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2016

    Dreams are mystical to me. I love watching the movie, “Slave of Dreams” about Prophet Joseph (PBUH). It was a good truthful portayal of the story as related in the Quran. I recorded it years ago when it was on TV. I can’t find it on DVD. it only in another language and of bad quality on YouTube. Allah gifted Prophet Joseph (PBUH) with the ability to interpret dreams.

  • Karima

    December 27, 2016

    Alhamdulellah Allah knows best

  • Jasmina

    December 27, 2016

    Most dreams have no meaning though, they are just from our own mind, nightmares are not from Allah. Some are from shaytan. 

  • Jasmina

    December 27, 2016

    The only and best dream interpretation I’ve come across is that of ibn Sirin. Myislamicdream website now have his interpretations but ignore all the others as some are very wrong

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2016

    Years ago when I wasn’t Muslim, I used to hear that dreams mean the opposite. For instance, if you dream someone died, it means there is going to be a birth.

    Allah knows best.

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2016

    I dunno. It’s probably best just to leave it alone. It’s what I’m going to do. I used to try to find info on the internet about interpretation of dreams, but it proved useless :-(

  • Karima

    December 27, 2016

    I have heard there are people who interprete dreams but I guess it’s haram no? Same like going to a fortune teller?

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2016

    I’ve been having nightly dreams that people whom I care deeply for dies. I’ve had dreams about the already dead ones, too. I can’t make out what it could possibly means. I know dreams have meaning, but what good is it, if we cant interprete them? It’s a mystery.

  • Karima

    December 27, 2016

    The other day I dreamed that my Husband died Astagfirullah!!!! I don’t know how to interprete the dream i guess the subconscious plays games :(?

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2016

    I just woke up from a nightmare ? I was dreaming that I was still working as a detective and I was awoken by a call ; I got called in to go on an investigation? I thanked God, it was only a dream. Insha Allah, Now, I’m going to try to go back to sleep?

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    It sure was a wonderful, inspiring video, just perfect for us. Alhumdulliah that we received it as a reminder. The lecturer said what we needed to hear.

    Thanks for still being here and for your thoughts about the video.?

  • Tasliyman

    December 26, 2016

    Thanks for sharing the video clip Ana. 

    I love the message. People often struggle to handle differences of opinion and this is a good reminder that we should not let that divide us. 

     

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Concerned,
    Chat with you tomorrow, Insha Allah. Have a good night :-)

  • Concerned

    December 26, 2016

    Ana

    Sorry must have misread. Its 2am here. And the husband back for my first night so im talking to him and you. Im multitasking lol. 

    Im gonna read jasmina post and hit the hay. Chat tomorrow in shaa Allaah 

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Jasmina,

    She sounds to be a real conniving, scheming trouble maker. He must be so confused in dealing with the two of you. He’s got to be completely stressed out.

    I’m getting ready to go watch “Obama’s Legacy” on TV. I bought the “Rolling Stone” magazine that devoted the issue to him. The magazine was like $13.00. When did they get that expensive? geez

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Even when a husband and a wife aren’t getting along and have their differences, there are provisions spoken of in the Quran that allow the couple to remain married and not divorce, but come to an amicable, friendly agreement. There is some benefit for the parties in order for them to do that. I have never said, implied, suggested that a man can’t love his wife or a man shouldn’t receive any benefit from his wife. Where is that coming from?

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Concerned,

    Where on earth did you get that I said anywhere on the blog that it’s wrong for a man to marry a woman for a benefit. What makes you think that I think that it’s a bad thing. There is benefit in marriage. Men marry women for all kinds of benefits. You lost me.

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Sis Concerned,

    When I spoke about how some men come to the blog and spout off about how they want to show others how polygamy is done, I wasn’t referring to your husband. I didn’t get that from any of your posts. I was just lumping that together with those who say they entered polygamy for religious reasons.

    You made me laugh with the “Aww man” LOL. a belly laugh…

  • Concerned

    December 26, 2016

    Ana

    Aww man. Its not a game ana. Years ago I asked him why he never comes to me when he wants, when hes so excited to get back to me. I had thought something else, but he said quite shyly, why he didn’t. He doesn’t think he need to show everyone ‘how its done’ he trys to do everything with the reward in mind. Its like he doesn’t eat food to excess, wear fancy clothing and indulge in luxury. Hes allowed but hes easy going and simple in worldly matters. 

    He knew of me before he was muslim. He said it was love at first sight. I know its corney and whatever but its the truth. The funny thing is he is the most unromantic man I know, but I seem to bring it out of him. Whats so wrong with a man loving his wife? Whats wrong with a man marring a woman for HER benefit?. I dont understand why you think its a bad thing. 

  • Jasmina

    December 26, 2016

    Ana

    thats a very good question. At first after our separation she was very nice to me and I thought all was great but hubby was always comi home late and I believed him that he was working and what not. Over time she did little things that completely make me doubt her intentions. Until she stepped the line by making decisions about my home that in turn caused me problems with my husband so at the at point without hesitation I questioned her about it and that when she became very nasty and told me she was going to ensure my husband would leave me.  She tried to control my household but I didn’t let it happen and even though it caused many fights with my husband she finally got the picture and backed away.

    i was already having many fights with my husband but it wasn’t until after a few events that I realised she had her hand in it. For example my husband at one point started critising our child very badly and it was words he just doesn’t use and it hurt me as a mother. Anyhow one day she would go on about my baby and talking in exactly the same way as he did and that’s when I realised she was poisoning him against his own child and me. I told my husband immediately that I figured out that he didn’t believe this things and that it was her brainwashing but him and he needs to be aware and stop it. He changed completely towards our baby since then. 

    EVERYTIME I confronted her or my husband about the thingna that she did in a sly way, I would get the blame, or I would be accused of saying thingna I didn’t say. My husband would get furious that he started to get violent. So I started recording my conversations with her and from then on he changed towards me as he realised I wasn’t lying.

    i also stopped bringing her up or confronting her or him about her. It has stopped many fights.

    when she came to my house I said nothing to my husband, I let him deal with it. however we fought about it when he got back home the next day.  

    We had a confrontation about a month ago with the co and guess what I got the blame and my husband was furious u til I explained my side of the story and he calmed down. She is very calm and she says things that boil my blood and I realised Shen tries to get me to react and explode so I can look like the nasty wife. 

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Concerned,

    It’s okay. What’s important is that you realize you need work. We all do. You are not alone. Eventually, Insha Allah, you’ll get to the point where you won’t need to feel that you are the “favorite” wife and that you are more special than she is. You’ll not care. It won’t matter to you. It makes no difference in the realm of things. I can’t recall anywhere in the Quran where it’s said that the “favorite” wife will have a special place in Jannah or anything like that. You’ve just got some insecurities that you need to deal with. Your husband probably knows it, as well, and he feeds your ego, perhaps.

    Did you ask him if he has sex with her on days that it’s your night or he just volunteered that information? Really, it’s none of your business, so I was just wondering how the discussion came about. You see where I’m going? What’s your need to know that info? …There’s no need to answer here, just think about it.

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    And,  you said he doesn’t want to do it for worldly reasons. SMH Look, he’s allowed to have sex with his wives. What kind of game do you and your husband play with each other?https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Concerned,

    Thank you much for elaborating. I understand where you’re coming from. However, I don’t get how your husband said he had religious reasons for marrying his other wife such as to provide and protect her. It’s what all Muslim men are expected to do when they marry any woman, including the FIRST one – be the vehicle to provide, protect and support her etc. The first, second, third or fourth are for the same reason unless it was strictly for lust (just to have sex) and to satisfy that desire. Some men rub me the wrong way when they act as though they were doing something super special when they were only doing what they were supposed to do when they marry a woman, the first one, as well.

    It’s the same when Muslim men come to the blog talkin about – I only married more than one because I wanna practice the sunnah and show people how it’s done. SAVE THE BULL CRAP. No one needs you to show anyone how it’s done. Our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) did that. Just go marry the woman and do what you need to do and save us the bull crap. You married her for the same reasons men marry women. Now, if it was for citizenship/Green card or solely for lust, then it’s a different story. Just marry her and shut up about it…

    I’m sure all the women on this blog have husbands with some very good qualities and that any woman would like to marry unless he’s a derelict. strung out on drugs or alcoholic or criminal or something like that.

  • Concerned

    December 26, 2016

    Ana, 

    Thats funny. But in all honesty, I dont think men are that bothered or picky about who or what they stick it in. They dont discriminate. Every holes a goal is what they say. 

     I tend to think that if a woman says her husband doesn’t like the other wife,it only means she is the favoured wife, but he likes the other one(s) also. 

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I don’t know about anyone else, but you didn’t offend me. It’s what the blog is about – sharing stories, views and giving opinions. It’s all good :-) I’m glad you’re here and sharing.

  • Serena

    December 26, 2016

    Salam

    I understand that Allah has written the script for everyone. When a woman offers herself to a married man and he marries her when initially he never had the intention to get married again then he must have seen something in her thats why he goes ahead and marries her. 

    I think it does matter when he tells his existing wife/wives about getting another wife. He doesn’t need their permission but at least tell them. We can’t for sure say the reaction would be the same if he told them in advance or not. 

    Even if the other wife/wives are bad you can still get along with the help of Allah. If there is communication between wives then you try get along especially if they are sisters in faith. Not sure if the wives love each other though. Its different if there is no communication between wives and they choose not to accept the other exists and act like they are the only wife. Its like husband and wife in monogamy who don’t want to divorce but just get along with it. Someone mentioned in the Pakistani thread how he still married to his wife despite their differences. 

    Hope I haven’t offended anyone with my opinion. 

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    I was telling my wali about how women say the husband doesn’t like his other wife. He said, yeah, that’s what the man says, but he was jumping up and down on her – but, yeah, he doesn’t like her lol. The one wife is sitting home wondering where he’s at, why he is late etc. He comes home talkin about, you know I don’t like her, all the while he’s wiping the sweat from his brow. He likes jumping up and down on her though Chuckling Gesture

  • Concerned

    December 26, 2016

    Ana

    Yeah, im sorry I gave that impression  (that my husband doesn’t like his other wife) and that she was a ‘charity case’ its just I know my husband to a certain extent and hes not one to follow any old desire and go with it. Hes told me had had religious reasons (to provide and protect a woman who wanted/needed his support. Ill tell you all a little secret. Even though my husband is allowed to approach any of his wives (for intimacy) on any given day, he doesn’t, he said its because it feels like its only for his personal gain in a worldly matter and never set out on a polygamous journey for personal gain, in a worldly matter. 

    I know its completely ok for a woman to propose to a man. I understand her reasons for doing so, hes a wonderful man. She saw, what I saw and wanted a piece of that pie lol. I dont look down on her for doing it, I metion it because its a fact about my polygamous situation. 

    I absolutely dont feel like I hate polygamy, I couldn’t hate something that, 1 is permissable and 2 iv gained so much good from. Now, SOME second wives,yes, I have an issue with. I know its wrong, im working on changing it. Its as if iv already marked SOME of them as a bad person, and it up to them to prove me wrong. Its an arrogance problem, no one has to prove anything to me, I say to myself “who do you think you are”. I remind myself daily, I think im making progress albeit slowly. I can only ask Allah to forgive my shortcomings and monitor my words and actions as to not harm others. 

    One thing I have come to terms with is the same feelings that makes a second marry a married man (thinking of themselves) is the same reason why I found it so difficult to share (I was thinking of myself) turns out were not so different after all. 

    As I already said, I love my co is a muslim (her correct belief), I love that she prays, fasts, and trys to do good deeds. Were just not compatible in personality. I was way harsh and out of order when I said I dont know who would want to marry her. I was wrong, she is a believing woman, who strives for jannah. I guess that means just about every muslim man would want to marry her. Im sure she has her faults too, but whats most important is shes a muslim. 

    I was going to ask jasmina that same questions. 

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    We can stand up for what is right. It’s one thing to ignore a situation and not let it get to us. It’s okay if we’re sincerely alright with the situation, knowing that Allah will take care of it. It’s another to retreat out of fear or some other reason and let the matter eat away at us and do damage.

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Do you ever confront your co-wife about the problems that you’re having with her or do you simply pretend that everything is okay with you and her and vent to your husband about the problems? What did you do when she came to your house to get him? Anything https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Concerned,

    We do agree on that (your last post) :-)

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Concerned,

    I’m not trying to fight with you, believe me, but I’ve just got to say: it sounds so awful when I hear a wife say that the other offered herself to the man and depict that he saw her as a charity case and went ahead with it reluctantly. He didn’t really want her, but did her a favor, so to speak.

    It’s perfectly okay for a woman to propose to a man and he marry her. I don’t think it’s okay to portray her in a negative light for her having done so. Why can’t Muslims paint it as a joyful, good thing on both the man’s side and the woman’s? If she was that undesirable and he didn’t want her, he shouldn’t have married her. It doesn’t make him seem to be a good person.

    I know you’ve indicated that your husband doesn’t like your co and no one would want her etc. It’s just not nice. Are you feeling me???

    Seems you’ve got some really deep rooted hatred for polygamy and wives who married second. It’s what I get from reading some of your posts. You need to check that…

    It freaks me out to hear women say how much they love their co-wives or they get along and are polite with each other (you too, Jasmina) and at the same time sing another tune about how bad the other is. It’s peculiar. Deep Thinking

  • Concerned

    December 26, 2016

    Ana

    We may disagree on that part but one thing we do agree on is, whatever happends in everyone’s situation is exactly what Allah willed to happen and we all need to accept that. No,if, buts or maybes.

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    I’m so happy for this blog too, Alhumdulliah. I’m so happy to know you, my sister https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif I love meeting so many wonderful people from all over the globe. It’s so incredibly Awesome

  • Concerned

    December 26, 2016

    Ana.

    Im glad you did write the post to tunis after mine. I had thought that tunis knew of her husbands intent but just didnt know exactly what day/time. I wasnt specifically talking about tunis husband. I do think it matters if a husband lets his wife/wives know. I was meant, if the husband thought the wife wouldn’t mind then hes crazy AND if he thought it was a good idea to not tell her. Not that he was scared of her reaction or didn’t want to upset her but because he thought that was the best way to go about it, then again he is crazy. He MUST know, that keeping something so big as another marriage a secret is  BAD, BAD BAD idea. And is only going to fuel her anger. 

    Just from a personal view point, my husband let me know a week or so after he received her proposal. I was angry that he didnt tell me immediately. His reply was that he hadnt made any intention. He didnt want to bring it to my attention if he wasnt considering it anyway. Sooo, I said ok, I can understand that. BUT, if he had gone as far as to get married, then tell me. I would have hit the roof. I could never allow him to make a decision for the family again. Id have to be my own husband lol. He definitely wouldn’t have got the same result. 

    I get it that people make mistakes and act all kinds of crazy but when a persons bad decisions effect the ones whom he is supposed to look out for, for the foreseeable future he/she really needs to think things through properly. Marriage is no light matter, its supposed to bring muslims together. And going about it in secret doesn’t nothing but separate. 

  • Jasmina

    December 26, 2016

    Serena

    thank you sister, I am determined to not give up. At least this year I need to hang around as I have committed to a number of thing one of which is very exciting and once we get there with my husband I will eagerly share.

     

  • Jasmina

    December 26, 2016

    Husband didn’t tell the the second he was as already married and he didn’t tell me when he got married. I found out o. My own and my caused many problems because the trust was broken. Particularly when I had agreed to polygamy still he didn’t tell me and hid so many things from me at the start.

    men! 

  • Jasmina

    December 26, 2016

    Concerned

    lol that’s the funniest thing I have read. ? 

    Some people just have no clue whatsoever. yes she thinks she is the 1st and is trying desperately to get rid of me as my child is 2 years older than her first. It’s hard to hide the fact. 

    thing is her and I are very cordial with each other, anyone would think we get along. She is always polite, a few times she has gone ape on me but we sorted it out and moved on. 

    I won’t explain in detail but I know for a fact she has read my private messages to my husband. I cringe thinking about it. 

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Concerned,

    Maybe we’re having a misunderstanding of the meaning of the question: Does it matter when the husband tells his wife that he will or has married another one?

    I was with Umm of2 because I got from her post that regardless of when, where, how and why he decided to tell her that way (after or before he does it) wouldn’t matter because it would get the same result. The wife would go bat sh!t crazy, lose her mind and freak the hell out. It’s inevitable unless he and the first wife had agreed upon it before hand.

    Now, if you’re saying that he didn’t tell her because he simply didn’t think she’d mind and would, for instance, with a smile on her face say, oh, honey, you married another woman; bring her here, so I can meet her; I’m so happy for you; you’re a good man ..

    Well that’s just unrealistic. Now, in that case, I would agree with you that he is stupid, idiotic and mentally deranged.

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Concerned,

    The reason that I felt compelled to write that post to tunis was because I didn’t want her to begin to think negatively again. What I got from your post to tunis is that it matters when a husband tells a wife that he will marry a second AND if he doesn’t tell her before he does it and thinks that it was a good idea not to, then he’s an idiot, stupid and possibly mentally deranged. But, the icing on the cake was that you don’t think you’d want to be married to a person whose integrity and intelligence you’d have to question.

    Well, it just sounded arrogant to me that you’d think you’ve never done anything that was idiotic or stupid or people didn’t think you were mentally derange. All of us have felt and done stupid and idiotic things. To think that a husband is mentally deranged because he didn’t tell his wife about his second marriage before he did it, was over the top.

    Sister tunis and others are struggling with the question of whether they should stay with their husbands or not. Your post would set them back. Furthermore, it wasn’t an accurate depiction of why they do it that way. It’s not becaue they are stupid, idiotic or mentally deranged. You failed to mention that probably most do it from a place of fear or they simply don’t want to deal with the repercussions. I’m not talking about the ones who lie to get citizenship/immigration for that is a whole different ballgame.

    Here’s a link to your post stupid, idiotic, mentally deranged husbands

  • Karima

    December 26, 2016

    I’m so happy for this blog alhamdulellah I’m learning from you Ladies so much

    jazak Allah kheir Ana for your efforts your time energy and kindness Mashallah 

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Concerned,

    Cut it out. I love you, my sister https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifWhat you had said before in that post that I deleted, I forgot about as soon as I deleted it. You’re my sister. We all disagree with one another at times and hurt one another, usually unintentionally in our words. At the end of the day, we all pull ourselves together and get right with one another. You’re alright with me.

    LOL, the video that I just posted came at a good time. It was on my Facebook page for this blog. {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Here’s a video that I think is pretty good. I like that it addresses the problem that I’ve heard about and encountered at one time or another. There are Muslims who won’t say the Muslim greeting, “As Salaamu Alaikum/Wa Alaikum As Salaam because they don’t like the way the other looks (is dressed etc). The video made me laugh too. I like that he stress that we are one brotherhood. All Muslims are sister and brothers-in-faith. Anyone who calls himself a Muslim, I won’t say that person is a Kaffur.

  • Concerned

    December 26, 2016

    Ana

    I was not saying to tunis to not forgive her husband. Firstly because he has nothing to be forgiven for. He didnt sin by not telling tunis about the day he planned to get married. He doesn’t have to tell her. It just wasn’t a wise decision. 

    I hear you on the forgiveness issue. And I dont think anyone in their right mind would think they dont have to be forgiving or compare their forgiveness to The forgiver-Allah. We humans are weak, we can only do something if Allah allows us to do. Its not that easy to just forgive a person who has hurt you. It takes an effort. I struggled to forgive a certain person, I battled with it for a long time. I cried about it, it hurt that I wanted to let it go, and sometimes I thought I had, then the ill feelings would return. I asked a knowledgeable person how do we know when we have forgiven someone. The answer I recived follows. 

    “When you have taken the decision to do so, it is something in the heart. Forgiving does not mean that we forget or that ill feelings will not simmer any more. But we want to drop the grudge and perform a good deed because forgiveness is a good action that brings great rewards in the hereafter. Forgiveness is not a one off, there are many reason to forgive or be forgiven. A forgiving heart is happier than one that won’t let go.  You know you have forgiven when you feel free again, when  the shackles of resentment or vengeance drop” It takes however long Allah will to be free from the shackles of resentment.  Ana, I know your not very happy with me at the moment. Im sorry for the hurtful comment (the one you didn’t post) I hope you can forgive me for that. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif Im feeling very sorry for my words and actions towards others recently, on this blog and in my personal life. AlHamdulilah. 

  • Serena

    December 26, 2016

    Salam 

    Concerned I read something like that on an Islamic website.  It wasn’t just the polygamy section but even the views on marriage were strange. How the wife should treat her husband etc and no evidence to support the religious stuff. No wonder some of these asian men think they are the best of Allah’s blessing to woman.

    Jasmina

    You must be shocked at what you found out but at the same time perhaps relieved in a way. Its not nice now that you wont be able to message him what you want incase she sees it. Jasmina look after your health sis you have a young child to look after as well. Sorry can’t be of much help but remember Allah doesn’t burden a soul with more than it can bear. 

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    I hope you’re relaxing and enjoying your time away. Just try to ease your mind of all the thoughts that you usually have when you’re back home. Insha Allah, go home refreshed and ready to take on the world.

    The post that I wrote to tunis could benefit us all. Not only wives, but people in general have a tendency to hold onto the wrong that people have done and don’t want them to forget it. I mean, really, if Allah forgives, what make us think that we are better than Allah and don’t have to do it?

    I say often that we need to stop pointing our fingers at others and point them back at ourselves. We all have done terrible things in our lives. We should remember that when we begin to look at others and the wrong that they’ve done. What’s the saying? – “to err is human”.

    The mere fact that Allah, throughout the Quran, tells us that we should forgive and over look the faults of others should be enough for us to do it. Especially when He specifically says to forgive others even when we are angry.

    I put the link to the brief comment that I wrote to tunis here in case anyone missed it Forgive even when angry

  • Karima

    December 26, 2016

    sis Ana your last post to Tunis had me thinking…

    jazak Allah kheir

  • Karima

    December 26, 2016

    Slm sis Jasmina your situation is very difficult I have much respect for your strength mashallah 

    sorry for not being able to write anything that would help

    i leave it to the more knowledgeable sisters 

  • Concerned

    December 26, 2016

    Jasmina

    When my husband first became polygamous I read many books on the matter. In one particular ‘islamic marriage’ book it had a section on polygamy. The sub title was ‘ pattern for the new wife’ I’ll quote some of the ‘patterns’ (note:the author said ‘pattern’ not rule, no evidence for these ‘patterns’ a wife should keep) 

    1, she should deal with the first wife in a way one deals with elders

    2, she should serve the relatives of the first wife

    3, she should seek the advice of the first wife in important matters

    4, if she goes to her parents home, she should seek correspondence with the first wife. 

    Please, dont fall on the floor lol, like I nearly did. This is honestly what some people believe. The book was written by an Indian “scholar”. It may be why your co wife dislikes you so much, her and her family must think your supposed to be “serving” them and treating them like you would your own parents/grandparents.  Maybe this is what they are telling your husband, that your a ‘bad’ wife, and dont do your duties. I know your not exactly an additional wife but your co seems to think you are, which explains why she THINKS she is superior. I have read in other books about this ‘head wife’ malarkey. Its passed down hogwash, to make additional wives less than. So women who dont accept polygamy, can live it aslong as they are seen as superior and being ‘served’ 

     

    It must be very unsettling to know a co could have access to personal conversations, thoughts and feelings that you have with your husband. Its very nasty of her to use this against you (if it is true that shes read these things and used them against you) . I know exactly what your co is doing and its evil, theres no other word for it. She wont stop untill she sees the evil in her actions/intentions though learning the religion. If/When she does realise her evil deeds she’ll have another reason to cry. 

     

  • Jasmina

    December 26, 2016

    Ana

    Thanks for that, her post was inspiring, when I was separated from my husband I was a complete mess, it’s very hard keeping it together and she is doing it so well. Alhamdulillah 

    With my situation it’s so full of culture and my husband has had to relearn a lot about polygamy and let go of many cultural aspects to try to make things work. He tries to learn however at a very slow pace. And just when things are going super smoothly the other wife whips up a new plan to mess it up, she has been getting so darn good at it that I have wondered how on earth so I did some snooping and discovered the most horrid of things.

    My husbands phone and laptop has got some sort of tracking device that companies use to monitor their staff, anyhow its installed, with the help of my sister who is a tech expert I was able to find this out. I almost fainted. All my messages and photos that I send my husband and probably even our phone conversations she has access to it.  It explains so much. I don’t want to tell my husband because he will know I snooped and secondly he will probably blame me or not believe me.  Anyhow my heart sunk so much because I’m so dramatic with my messages and phone conversations and emails and everything. I feel so vulnerable to think that my deep thoughts someone other than my husband has read it. Messages where I’ve told my husband everything that bothers me and my pains. I feel so exposed.  There has been occasions where My husband and I have wondered if she checks his phone because she has made comments about things that only him and I discuss, like his feelings towards me about my weight. I even screamed at him at one point as I thought he told her what he thinks of my weight. I forgot it and didn’t pay furher attention as I thought no way since he is so careful with his phone and with passwords and all.

  • anabellah

    December 25, 2016

    Jasmina, As Salaamu Alaikum, Sister https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    Over time, especially most recently, I’ve gotten a better understanding of your situation, especially when you stated that your husband is from India. It began to come together for me back when you said the family of your husband’s other is on his back wanting him to divorce you. You said he’s getting hit from them and her. You stated sometime earlier that she was their pick.

    The struggle appears to be a cultural one like that of what we speak about all the time with regard to foreign women who marry Pakistani men. It very difficult to fight with culture and tradition, especially when they place it above Islam.

    It seems that you’re hanging on by a thread. Insha Allah, read Fatima’s post that she just wrote.Fatima’s comment Maybe you could take a page out of her story. It may be inspirational for you…

  • anabellah

    December 25, 2016

    Sister tunis, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You’re doing really good and are making a lot of progress. Don’t go backwards with thinking about how your husband broke the news to you and the children about his other marriage. Put that behind you and keep it moving (forward). Dwelling on how, when, where and why he did it the way that he did will NOT change anything. It would only keep you stuck or take you backwards.

    Your husband did it the way that it was done and there is no going back. It is what is. Don’t waste your valuable time, mind and energy on something that doesn’t matter anymore. You moved past that.

    Men who hide the marriage initially had their reason(s). Many suspect that the wife would act exactly the way that they end up acting (crazy). Some want to avoid the inevitable. Therefore, they kept the marriage a secret out of fear. Some feared their wives would divorce them if they new. Regardless, it happened. Whether it was right or wrong, let Allah deal with that.

    Bottom line is that Allah in the Holy Quran tells us to forgive others. He says EVEN when we are angry forgive. We all err. We all sin. Sometimes wives can think they are so high and mighty and sinless and want to hold on to what someone else has done, instead of letting go.

    Keep up the good work, tunis and forgive. Don’t look back. :-)

  • Concerned

    December 25, 2016

    Tunis

    I would agree with you. Making a husband be romantic etc would ruin his kind gestures. I couldn’t help but think id ‘forced’ him to be kind to me. I rather he do it by his own choice.

    On another subject, I dont agree that wheather a husband tells his wife before or after a second marriage it would be the same. If my husband told me after he had already got married, aside from dealing with the emotions of going from monogamy to polygamy, I would also have to deal with a idiot husband. Who, for some idiot reason not only didnt tell me, but also thought that not telling me was a good idea.  I would hope someone talked him into hiding it, because really thats some 1st class, 5 star stupidity. Id have to wonder if my husband is mentality deranged,to think that hiding a second marriage was a cleaver thing to do. Id wonder if he’d ever tried to eat soup with a fork. I dont think id want to be married to a person who integrity and intelligence id have to question. 

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum All,

    Here is the post/thread that I thought important to put out there in cyberspace, My Co-Wife Disturbs My Peace

    Okay, now I’m going to go chill. My husband said that if I chill anymore, I’d be dead Crying with laughter

  • Karima

    December 24, 2016

    Slm jazak Allah kheir sis Tunis your post just described my husband….

    i could either continue trying to change myself or accept his behavior and my attitude:(

    not easy but I have to keep trying to improve myself  that i understand 

    sis Ana jazak Allah kheir

  • Amina

    December 24, 2016

    I have to save some of these post as reminders and inspiration. 

  • Amina

    December 24, 2016

    Sister Tunis I love what you just posted.

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2016

    Sister tunis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, :-)

    I love your post. You made absolute sense. You need no help in getting your pointS across. Thank you much, Sis! I agree with all that you said. Furthermore, Allah gave the husbands their personalities and dispositions. They act according to his will and plan. Sometimes they change, as we all do. Nothing stays the same. Just because things are one way today, doesn’t mean they will be the same way tomorrow. We can’t despair. Allah has a plan. It’s why we need to persevere and not lose heart.

  • Umm of2

    December 24, 2016

    I admire your strength jasmina InshaAllah things will get better for you. May Allah give you the strength to endure 

  • tunis

    December 24, 2016

    Asalamu Alaikum Sis Karima

    Ana’s post to you is  so true on so many levels she pointed out. And the last one on being negative …..I think affects all these levels.  I think we are our own worst enemy..us wives..sometimes..if not ..most the time.  You said you’d be different if things were different….well..are you waiting for him to make the first move.?  We need to take check and be honest with ourselves…like Ana said..our expectations? I mean we have the choice to be miserable and self pity or be the first to make that move….facing the awkwardness at first …for one example with example me…..I was dealing with feeling unloved by hubby because he did not show or give love the same way I wanted later on in our marriage …with kids and problems…things changed.  OK so  I would mope around..looking sad..even discuss with him how I would like us/him to be.  I was sensing something changed..right? So when I began to insist as he put it..wrapping him up..putting a pressure on him..expectation ! to act as I wanted…he flat out said .I cant give that to you…the way u want..this is how I am or become..take it or leave it..basically….now I felt rejection…in light of the change that was coming…as I posted in my earlier posts of me….SO.. I decided if he wasn’t gonna do it..things like..saying good morning..kissing me first..hugging…smiling..etc…FIRST..like I was EXPECTING him to do to prove his love for me….( well I guess some men are not like that or they change..or  for some reasons they don’t want to tell us or its out of their control.) ….that I would DO IT…cause I wanted to kiss, hug, smile, good morning him..and guess what..he actually seemed to like it and it made the mood better between us..but I did it with the mind set of not expecting it back..just showing him how I cared about him…and it made me feel good..giving love unconditionally ..and guess what also…he began ever so slowing and far apart to return that….because he told me ..he will do it when he feels like it..not to be made to feel like he has too..that’s his philosophy. So I guess my point is being and showing negativity has an impact on hubby and wife….so whatever is in our minds of jealousy, feeling  inadequate, unloved..whatever it may be tormenting us….try to make that change first…as was said b4…Allah will help change a condition if we make an effort to change it first…I mean..sometimes our husband are unaware or somewhere else with all their responsibilities….or that’s the way they are..so we choose to accept them or make a positive attempt in being happier . So with each new event that seems to be popping up in my life…yeah..I fell down and freaking….but got up ..because I can choose to stay down and dirty..or look how to be the better muslim  in this situation.  Hope I am making some sense here. Other sisters may can help me out in my thinking.  But just saying.  I love all you sisters too. May Allah make it easier and us  stronger.

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2016

    Karima,

    You have to ask Allah to change it for you. He’ll change it when you do the right thing. You’ve got to offer your five daily prayers. It’s part of remembering Him. You have to stop yourself from thinking about your husband and other things and replace those thoughts with thoughts of Allah. All things should remind you of Allah, for example: the night; the day; the sun; the moon; your kids; the water that you cook with and shower in etc. You should be thanking him for giving you all your faculties, such as hearing, seeing, breathing, touch, understanding. Thank Him for not putting you in a hospital bed hooked up to a breathing machine or a feeding tube. Everything you see should remind you of Him.

    You don’t have to wait to salat prayer to thank Him. Thank Him anytime and any where. Just talk to Him. Get your mind off your husband because it does you no good. You get barakat (blessings) for thinking about Allah. Make sure you read some Quran even if it’s just one ayah a day to begin with. You don’t have to sit down and read an entire Surah in one sitting. Allah says in the Quran, read as much of the Quran as is easy for you. Some people say you should read the entire Quran during The Holy Month of Ramadan. Well, if a person does, good for him or her, but it’s not what Allah says we need to do. Allah doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear. We put the additional burden on ourselves.

    Putting Allah first in your life is what will bring you so much joy, happiness and contentment. It’s been said that if we remember Allah while doing something, we find contentment in it.

  • Karima

    December 24, 2016

    i try to b grateful say alahmdulellah and mean it I think I mean it ….. well only God really knows:( but at times I do really mean it

    i come from a negative family i have always been th good girl the serious girl and excellent student the talented n all

    i tried n try to hide my pessimism about this materialistic world where all seems to. Be in vain at the end of the day

    pls advice me how can I get rid of this negativity???

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2016

    Sis Karima, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I read the post in which you said that you and your husband only have mundane conversations about the kids and day to day things. It seems about right. It’s what I’ve always heard from many women in monogamous marriages too. What do you want to talk about – politics, worldly affairs, the meaning of life in a meaningless society https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    It sounds like you want it to be the way that it was when you and he first fell in love. That type of love is to get people together. Infatuations and falling in love changes to loving one another, which is a more mature type of love.

    I know of monogamous married couples who divorced because they had nothing in common anymore once the children got grown and left the nest. The children were their world. They had nothing to talk about after the kids got their own lives and left.

    You’ve got a whole lot of expectations. Are they realistic? I could see you being concerned about whether your husband is engaged in an illicit relationship. But, if you found out for certain that he is, who knows if you’d be any closer to figuring out how to proceed. You need to learn how to take it easy. Your husband is with you practically every day and you’ve got just about all the nights with him. He the vehicle to provide for you and the children.

    Granted, he says you are a negative person. To him, you probably are. To me, you sound to be, as well. You said you’d be different if things were different. Well, yeah, everyone would probably be happy, optimistic and positive if things are going their way. It’s usually how it works for most people. You definitely need to start showing some gratitude to your lord (Allah) for all the good that He has given you.

  • Karima

    December 24, 2016

    dear Sis Ana no worries about the new post thread I am patient lol alhamdulellah 

    jazak Allah kheir

  • Karima

    December 24, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum

    my sisters jazak Allah kheir for pouring your hearts out i have lots of respect and love for you. Each one fights their own battle alahmdulellah there is a reason and for myself too to reflect and perhaps evolve to a better person inshallah

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2016

    Sadyah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It was a very nice post that you wrote. You outlined a few (which are a lot) of the things men go through that women don’t, There are a sh!t load more. I wouldn’t want to be a man.

    Thanks for putting forth some of the beauty of polygamy. It’s good to hear it as we so often hear about and talk about the opposite. Again, nice, helpful post.? Alhumdulliah!

  • Sadyah

    December 24, 2016

    Sisters,

    I usually write my comment to find where my thoughts are wrong because I know I will get some good points here to correct myself.

  • Sadyah

    December 24, 2016

    Assalam o alaikum,

    Sister karima,

    I had the same question that you asked about impurities of heart but my heart once told me 

    No! there are so many things in which men have to work hard but Allah doesnt oblige that on women.like a man has to go to masjid for five prayers.he doesn’t say no wether it’s cold or hot outside,a man has to go to the battlefield if it’s necessary (farz) at that time,a man has to provide shelter,food and clothes to his family even if he has a very bad relationship with his line manager but he has to sacrifice for his family to tolerate sometimes a pathetic insulting environment of job( if he doesn’t have a same level job opportunity that’s not unusual),he has to be just and kind with his wives even Satan whispers against one of them.

    These are few of the things that we don’t have to worry about.we won’t be asked on the day of judgment but man will.

    Secondly, polygamy is really superb if I do accept by heart because if I am not happy with my husband as if he is not good with me then I don’t need to be with him just because there is no unmarried man outside who would accept me,a divorced woman.I would find so many proposals for me who want me to be their second, third or fourth wife.but at least they would be just with me.Or iff my second marriage won’t work  even then I would have plenty of chances to find a loving husband because of polygamy .So as long as I know, polygamy is an advantage for both man and woman plus difficult for both if it doesn’t work 

  • Amina

    December 24, 2016

    Thank you Sister Ana and all who share their stories . I benefit from all of the advice that’s given for me and the other sisters. It seems we can all learn something from each other’s stories. 

    @Ummof2 you mentioned to Jasmine.

    That her husband isn’t the last man on earth. Something I fear is not finding a good spouse after divorce . Maybe I’ll realize my husband wasn’t as bad as I think. Sometimes I do think a good husband is hard to find. Their are alot of men that are abusive not financially responsible etc. I guess some parts of me rather stay in a unhappy marriage than to take the chance of being lonely. I have to put my trust in Allaah.

  • Jasmina

    December 24, 2016

    Ana

    thank you for those Ayah.  Yes I need to develop my coping mechanisms more. For the most part I’m doing well, but this weeks incident just caught me off guard and it affected me so so much and when that happens and I fight with my husband because of it I feel I get back to square one. All that effort to build my iman and to get to a good positive place just is lost in a day. 

    I wouldn’t leave the marriage in the hopes of finding another man. I’d try to find happiness with myself and forgive myself for all my mistakes. If someone else comes long then ok I guess. Spirited gives me hope, but I have a child so that would make it harder to find another husband. My way of thinking now is more centered around “is this marriage the best it could be and the best for me” rather than “is there a better man for me out there”. I haven’t got a conclusive answer yet. I’m sure there are better men, I just happened to have given my loyalty and commitment to this man (big mistake lol) and I feel I need to give it my all before throwing the towel because there’s no turning back for us after another divorce.

    I met a lady today and oh my does she have an amazing husband. I was shocked at how nice of a man he is mashaAllah. I was so dumb founded by how he interacted with her and the kids. And she told the the story of how he fell in love with her when she was 11 and waited until she was 15 to propose to her father yet he said no as she was so young but he insisted many times until he let him talk to her and then got engaged and later married her when she was 18 and they have been married over 10 years now and he is still crazy in love with her and only her. SubhanAllah. Allahumabarik lahum. 

  • Jasmina

    December 24, 2016

    Concerned

    she pretty much has him by the neck.  There’s so many things which I have found out from things he has thought out loud or from things that his sister has told me or that have become obvious. A major one is the kids, he is afraid of losing the kids. His parents is another one, they threatened to disown him if he leaves her or she leaves him for that matter. When she came here the other day she threatened him that she may as well will pack his things so he can leave, it’s her last option (I.e. If he doesn’t do what she wants). Her family are rich and very well known in India and he is scared of getting a bad reputation amongst the ‘elite’. 

    I don’t know if that’s blackmail but it would be such a shitty position to be in specially for a man like him whom doesn’t like to be told what to do.  Somehow though I think she displays a very good nature to him for the most part as they seem to be happy together but then again who knows, I’m sure he loves her despite all of this.

     

  • Jasmina

    December 24, 2016

    Ummof2

    regarding me not having a home previously, I was in a bad mental state with depression and was just happy to have made it through that period alive alhamdulillah. It physically affected me. There was no way I could hold a job back then.  I have a job now, I don’t know if I mentioned it before, but it’s going great and I’m saving for a rainy day. 

    I’m trying to take it day by day and be the best person I can. E each day. I do t want to look back and think oh no I regret acting in such a way.  Yeah this week the co really got under my skin which as Ana said it’s my husband to blame fully. 

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2016

    @Sister Karima, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I still have the post/thread to publish that I had mentioned to you. I just need to proof it later and then get it out there. Thank you for being patient, my dear sister https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum All :-)

    I’m shutting down the computer now and will retire to the boudoir for some shut eye Yawning. Insha Allah, we’ll chat soon.

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2016

    Amina, As salaamu Alaikum :-)

    Dear sister, stay strong. You sound to be in good spirits despite what has happened. You must believe that Allah will take care of you and your child, and all will be okay. Just keep turning to Him and serve and worship Him the way that He tells us to.

    I know you said that you sometimes get worried about yourself and your son. The ayah that I cited to Jasmina should give you solace. It’s:

    “But if they disagree (and must part), Allah will provide abundance for all from His all-reaching bounty: for Allah is He that careth for all and is Wise.” Surah 4, ayah 4, ayah 130

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2016

    Jasmina, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I think with your marriage you just have to take the bitter with the sweet whenever it gets sweet. Only Allah knows whether your marriage will get better. You apparently want to stay married to him and don’t want to venture out there with the prospect of obtaining another husband.

    Your co doesn’t sound to be a very nice person. Nonetheless, you realize that your husband is most at fault for letting her control him and in effect she controls you and your marriage as well. I say she controls you because what she does in terms of your/her husband is effecting you. All of it is causing you health issues.

    If you’re not going to leave the marriage, then you need to accept the way that it is right now. As much as you want it to be different, it’s not going to change unless/until Allah changes it. Your husband will need to change what is in his heart before Allah will change his condition. Allah clearly lets us know in the Holy Quran that He will not change the condition of a person until the person changes what is in his heart.

    Your husband is committing shirk (to set up partners with Allah or to make someone or something equal to Allah) by letting his wife lord over him. Shirk is an unforgivable sin. Your husband has taken your co as his lord. You can do nothing about it.

    You need to get yourself to a good place because, as you know, your health is suffering as a result of what is happening in your life.

    I was reading an ayah in the Quran this morning that you could apply to your situation. It’s Surah 4, ayah 128:

    “If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband’s part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best; even though men’s souls are swayed by greed. But if ye do good and practise self-restraint, Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do”

    You could work something out with your husband that is friendly that will allow you and him to remain married; although you have your differences. Things probably won’t be the way you want them to be, but it will allow you to stay married to your husband, if it’s what you’d like.

    As you know, your husband, at the present time, dances to your co-wife’s beat. He apparently cares for you to a degree in that he hasn’t divorced you. He doesn’t leave you “hanging” as though you feel you have no husband either. He may not be there when you want him, but he is there enough for you to know that you have a husband and feel it to a degree.

    Another ayah that applies is Surah 4, ayah 129:

    “Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire: But turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air). If ye come to a friendly understanding, and practise self-restraint, Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.”

    Again, you and he could come to a friendly understanding.

    And then there is Surah 4, ayah 130:

    “But if they disagree (and must part), Allah will provide abundance for all from His all-reaching bounty: for Allah is He that careth for all and is Wise.”

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2016

    Sister tunis, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I agree with you that the story of Prophet Noah (PBUH) and his son seems to apply to your situation. You should be so happy that Allah has given you understanding. He says commemorate the stories of His Prophet (mentioned in the Quran). He says they are our examples. He didn’t just give us the Quran to read as a tale or to read just to past the time. There are lessons in those stories and we are to apply them to our lives. It seems you’ve done that and did a good job :-) I pray Allah is well pleased with you.

  • Concerned

    December 24, 2016

    Jasmina

    Does your co have something on your husband? It just seems strange that he would say he cannot live without you, doesn’t want to divorce you but treats you the way he does.  It sounds like your co is blackmailing him (emotionally or otherwise). 

  • Jasmina

    December 24, 2016

    Ummof2

    i don’t understand it myself sometimes. I guess it was good once and also when the other wife isn’t causing problems or she goes to her parents then my husband relaxes and is the man I met. 

    Battery dying brb

  • Umm of2

    December 24, 2016

    Jasmina I don’t understand why you stay. Y’all don’t want the same things in life, y’all aren’t intimate, he doesn’t seem attracted to you although you seem like such a beauty in your writings, he’s not supportive of you, is not there for you through this difficult time with your health, runs in the opposite direction from you every chance he gets and sounds to be emotionally abusive, self centered, and draining. He’s not the last man on earth. There’s good ones out there who will treat you the way you deserve. I don’t understand either how you mentioned before the last time u divorced you were homeless and going from house to house. It’s not like you’re uneducated with no degree. You said you’re an architect you should be able to find a very good paying job and maintain yourself and child. But at the end of the day you can only move on with your life into a healthy happy productive marriage with someone who loves admires appreciates and wants the same things as you wants to be intimate  with you 

    ….if Allah so wills. I can see if you were fighting for a healthy relationship but that right there…no one deserves it. Prayers for you sis

  • Jasmina

    December 23, 2016

    Karima

    thank you. 

    My health isn’t great and I think it’s because of so many years of constant stress. I’ve come a long way in the past year and the better I get at the te worst my husband gets. I feel like the only way for him to do right is if I’m on his back constantly and it’s so energy sucking and it kills his confidence too and it’s a big mess so I stopped being on his back about every little thing but it doesn’t help my case with his wench of a 2nd wife who cares about only herself. 

    I don’t want to give up on my marriage. She promised me she would break up my marriage and that’s what she has been doing and he makes progress. She is very good at it, she did it before and is doing all she can to do it again. When hubby and I overcome one drama she already has another strategy lining up to shoot at us. I don’t know if my husband sees what she is doing but I doubt it.  She plays it very smart plus she has his family on her side and they influence him so much. He refuses to divorce as we wouldn’t be able to remarry and that fires her up even more. I’ve been fighting for my marriage but it’s just so hard. I try be patient. She just won’t give up and accept polygamy.

  • Jasmina

    December 23, 2016

    Mari2

    that made me laugh. That’s good don’t let him step all over u. You know what you are doing so good for you. 

  • Karima

    December 23, 2016

    sis JAsmina I am very sorry to read your last post. Especially about the medical isuue . May biopsy results be negative inshallah .  About the tone up thing: weight is a sensitive issue for women especially in today s world. You do the best u can but not on the. Expense of your health !!!  

  • Mari2

    December 23, 2016

    Shhh.  I just found out that 2 is coming next month.  Was M going to be honest with me?  Nope.  But i figured it out.  So i told him today that I will happily accept his second wife, but I changed the locks in my home so he cant bring her here and act like my home belongs to him while i am at work.  I am really aware.  And he is stupid.  

  • Jasmina

    December 23, 2016

    Ana

    Yes that’s exactly what is going on.

    I makes it very difficult for me to show my husband respect because here he acts tough and demands so much respect yet he is a coward. 

    I react to this in a very bad way by calling him names and yelling at him and he gets so angry at me for not being understanding and because I don’t just accept what he does. I cry and yell at him and he tells me I complain and whinge and he hates that and doesn’t want to be near me. How can I not complain. With what she has done lately I have not had ONE single weekend with my husband for the past 7 weeks or so. 

    She has played her cards right and is coming out smelling like roses whilst I look like the complaining angry wife who is so needy. 

    i need my husband so much at the moment but he isn’t here for me. They have found 8 more lumps in my body and we r getting biopsies one by one. He takes it lightly and shows little concern. Exercising causes me to bleed and get a lot of pain and he insists that I exercise to tone up nevertheless. 

    Since he got back from visiting his uncle some few weeks back he is constantly thinking ill of me, it’s like they’ve poisoned his heart against me. I’ll give u an example, I made noodles for him by his request and well I don’t normally make noodles and so I boiled it on pot for two minutes like it said and added corn and gave it to him. We were fighting at the time. Next day he asks me i gave him noodles like that out of spite and vengeance.  I was like what on earth? He said the noodles were not cooked properly, they must have been hard or something and he accused me of doing it on purpose. I’d never play with his food like that no matter how angry I am, that hurt me. Anyhow it’s constant things like that. He is always saying I must have bad intentions or he asks me what my agenda is. I tell him I want to live my life peacefully and have. A happy household so we can have energy to go and tackle the problems the world throws at us as a team and go achieve things together for our Janna and do things for others. He just drags me down emotionally. 

    This is so hard. My husband is a good man who is not being very good to me at the moment. 

  • anabellah

    December 23, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum All,

    There were two posts of tunis that I missed approving before. They are now approved. Sorry, tunis!

  • tunis

    December 23, 2016

    Sis Ana

    Subhannallah…Allah is the turner and controller of our hearts….with all that I have told you of my husband and kids…I believe I was seeking if the side I was inclined to is the right side or not.  ..and  based on what the Quran says…and again being reminded..alhamdulilah……my heart is on the side of my husband and this is the right side….that this is Allah’s will….my heart may have  faltered…it just needed to be reinforced..

  • tunis

    December 23, 2016

    Sister Ana….Thank you for responding so quickly… I didn’t enter my marriage thinking it was only going to be  a monogamous marriage…if it happened it happened..that was my mind set….in the beginning b4 we married this was something I had accepted.. I am not against or angry at husband or Allah.  It was to the opposite in my family..as I always talked of hubby taking 2nd wife..I never hide that or was ashamed or against it to my kids.  I guess I had expected hubby to be more upfront with it. 

    Yes that is my desire ..to have my family back…but as you said..and may Allah reward you..for reminding me that this is the will of Allah..this is what He has written for us….AND  pointing out to me that my reaction does show that I was not happy with the turn of events..therefore showing my ungratefulness to Allah…this is where my problem is.  Alhamdulilah Jazakallah for helping me see this sister.

    May Allah help us all in our efforts continuing the good desires and serving Him.

  • Karima

    December 23, 2016

    Sis Ana

    trurh hurts indeed and what u wrote to Sis Tunis does húrt me cause it has to do with me too and how i feel. Either way Jazak Allah khei cause U speak the truth and I love u for that and for this blog and for who you are such a brave honest woman Mashallah .In my case whats hard is that that woman keeps contacting me isnt a muslim could be only a mistress but obviously there is love and lust between them.  If the pill of Islam for us women to swollow Is polygamy as I read somewhere here, I’m not sure, then what’s the pill men have to swollow?  If we have a problem cause our hearts are impure and dirty what about men and their impure hearts and base feelings? Or is it just us to be blamed?

  • anabellah

    December 23, 2016

    Not to cut ties with Muslim relatives.

  • anabellah

    December 23, 2016

    Tunis,

    I can understand that you are upset that your 18 year old left the home and your other children don’t speak to you. You either leave your husband so you could get your relationship back with your children or you keep your husband and let your children walk. You’re Muslim and they say they are as well. Allah tells us Muslims not to cut ties with Muslim relatives. So, your children are in the wrong. Again, Allah says don’t make unlawful what He has made lawful. He has made polygamy lawful for men. If they say they are angry because of the way their dad went about it – tough. Too bad. The world don’t revolve around them.

  • anabellah

    December 23, 2016

    Sis tunis,

    You basically said that someone should school men on the effect that polygamy or hiding a polygamous marriage has on a woman. I don’t see how it would be helpful to let him know that. He can’t do anything with reference to what she feels in her heart or thinks in her mind. The husband didn’t put the pain in the woman’s heart. Allah did. Allah controls the heart.

    Again, if the woman is hurting and in pain, it’s due to her not accepting what Allah has willed. He willed that her husband become polygamous. Most Muslim don’t know what being Muslim means. It means to surrender and submit our will to Allah. When we do that we have no will of our own. Allah says that we should not will except as He wills. A Believer is one who submits her or his whole self to Allah in Islam.

    The pain a woman feels is due to her desires not being met. She wants things her way and since they aren’t, she suffers. She has to account to Allah for how she feels.

    To give a lecture or classes to men to tell them what a woman feels is useless because he can’t control how she feels. He shouldn’t have to forgo being in a polygamous marriage because his wife’s heart is dark and dirty.

    Of course, he should be kind to his wife and patient, fair in his dealings with her, and maintain and protect her but other than that????

    She doesn’t accept polygamy, so how is that her fault? She’s the one who has rejected what Allah has allowed for men. Allah says, don’t make unlawful that which He has made lawful.

  • anabellah

    December 23, 2016

    Sis tunis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I think it was umm of2 who said that it wouldn’t matter how or when the husband told his wife and the children about the other marriage. I agree with her 100 percent. The husband would most likely get the same reaction and response from the wife regardless of how he tells her and the children. It’s not at all about how he tells her. She wouldn’t like it no matter how he broke it to her. Most wives don’t like it, don’t want it in their lives and aren’t accepting of it. If the wives don’t like it, the children won’t like it either, because they see the effect that it has on their mother. No child wants to see her or his mother sad, crying, and in pain.

    You say the husbands hide it and don’t tell the wives about it in the right way. Well, it goes back to what I say all the time here on this blog. Life is not about our desires being fulfilled. Life is about serving Allah. Good desires to have are for example: the desire to be patient; to not commit sin; to offer the 5 daily salat and on time; to remember Allah constantly etc. Those are good desires. Allah says that if we follow our desires, they will lead us astray. Any other desires that aren’t in tune with what Allah decides for us are harmful.

    Your desire is to have your family back to the way it was. You want a monogamous marriage, All that has changed. It changed because Allah changed it. He wrote the script. It’s the way He designed it. You are unhappy with what Allah has decided; therefore, you are unhappy with Allah. You’ve made yourself a little mini God. You want things to be the way that you want them to be, not the way that Allah has made them. There is where the problem is.

  • tunis

    December 23, 2016

    Thank you  Ana and to all the sisters that may respond to me..didn’t mean to sound so pushy…forgive me!

  • tunis

    December 23, 2016

    You know Ana….my situation kind of reminds me of the story of Noah and his son…..where Noah tries to get son to come on board but son says…nah..that ain’t happening..I’ll be fine on my own and with my choices….but I don’t think his son slam dunked Noah cold ! and tried to sink the boat by getting others to join him…well that’s sure how it feels with me….am I taking all this too personal? I sure do feel better getting it off my chest.  But still would like my questions answered..if possible.

     

  • anabellah

    December 23, 2016

    Jasmina,

    You got a good up close and personal look at what is happening with your husband. His other was kind of brazen. It’s unbelievable that she would come to your house and tell her and your husband to come out of there and go do errands that he needs to do. Although it’s unbelievable, I believe it,

    I wouldn’t have the gumption to do such a thing. Sadly, he’s at her beckon call. You see who wear the pants in the family.

    Your husband is the one you should look at in that he is your husband connected to you. She is connected to your husband, not to you. She won’t listen to you.

    He is letting his other call the shots by obeying her. Instead of him telling her, for instance, look I’m with Jasmina now, I’ll have to do those other things some other time, he went along with what she did and said. He condoned it, which encourages her to to continue the behavior. Until he gets himself together, while you remain with him, you shouldn’t expect anything different.

  • tunis

    December 23, 2016

    Asalamu Alaikum

    I am hurting big time here again….my last daughter living with me..18yrs old…has decided to move out of house….the other two girls haven’t spoken to me either.(both have kids)…to me all this would not have transpired the way it did if only  their father  had told them he was married now..even to me. 

      I say this because…I would like to know where this idea came from that a man has a right NOT to tell those close to him.   Is he afraid of their reactions?  Look what has happened in my family?  WHY is this happening?   Maybe this blog or Ana..you can write a thread on the consequences of MEN  not being truthful about themselves getting married.  I am trying so hard to stay positive….purification you speak of…in how WE women deal with ourselves and others in a polygamous relationship.?   What about the MEN….I know I am ramble on with my pain….but if polygamy is gonna work..MEN should be educated in it  too.. what to expect if they do X, Y, or Z in going about getting married.  I don’t know if I m getting my thought out here correctly..or what I m trying to ask.!  I am trying so hard to make sense of this in my life right now..that the way he did it is justified.

      Where is this information coming from that a man feels he does not have to tell ANYONE…?   what are the sources?   is there anything authentic..proof?  or is this some scholars interpretations?  I just don’t know what to think anymore…because of my husband’s way he went about it…has  caused this break down of our  family….he sees he did nothing wrong….sometimes I beg to differ.  I know a sister here on the blog said..cant remember who..that what difference would it make if he told or didn’t tell…when he marries.?..why…because of the state he may thinks his wife/family will react?  Maybe my husband may a bad choice…which is probably what you all will tell me..in how he handle getting married…..and that all this is a test for ALL of us..is that what it is?   I want to be accepting and understanding of polygamy cause Allah did not HIDE this fact to all readers of Quran…why should a man?           I just wish that this insight were told to men..that scholars would talk about it….the ramifications of NOT telling those close to them.   It seems to me, a man is more worried about the  ramifications IF he tells….Deal with it up front.face it….not the after effects…which many women experience.  Maybe my story is not that common..because I mostly hear about wives/co wives relations… or how husbands deals with them in regards time or money etc…..but what about the  affects  of not telling and being honest with the kids ..even if they are older? they are still his kids.  just seems like so much a woman must face in the light of polygamy….Subhannallah..but now  that I think..as I m typing this.. that I guess the same thing could happen in a divorce between monogamous couples.  maybe I answered my own question.

    But this will not change what has been done to my family….but Allah Knows….it is just much harder now. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

     

     

     

  • Jasmina

    December 23, 2016

    Karima

    i understand you, it’s not easy what u are going through. It’s not right that your husband does what he is doing. It’s painful when husband don’t do it right. It’s easy when they are doing it correctly because at least the only demons you have to deal with are your own and you can figure out ways to control yourself but when the husband or co is in the wrong you lose that control and it becomes very hard to manage. I know my situation is different to your however my husband isn’t doing polygamy correctly and it’s very painful.

  • Karima

    December 23, 2016

    Sis Ana and All

    i do appreciate taking the time  effort and care to write to me jazak Allah kheir!!!

    one after other people ” fail” me and i most of all ” fail” and disappoint myself for my attitude behaviour Poór decisions sign

    i really need to turn more to Allah and bég and Cry and ask for guidance on this:(

    sgain in sorry if im Being a Cry baby

     

  • Jasmina

    December 23, 2016

    Ana

    no problem sister. 

  • Jasmina

    December 23, 2016

    I hate my husbands other wife! I’ve tried so hard to be nice and understanding and let things go. But she is a selfish wench! I can’t stand her anymore. My husband actually came home early today so he could spend time with me after a long time. she always drives past as I’ve spotted her and this time she saw my husbands car here and so she came and knocked on the door and told him he needed to go do a whole bunch of things and she had no choice as he wouldn’t answer the phone.

    He was so angry with her but he picked up and left anyway and didn’t come back home and now him and I have problems.  He told me to forgive him and that he can’t live without me and expects me to be nice about this because he had no choice. 

    I’m so hurt right now. 

  • anabellah

    December 23, 2016

    Jasmina, AsSalaamu, I have to wait until I get on a computer to write to you because it will probably be a little lengthy.

  • anabellah

    December 23, 2016

    Umm of2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I was wondering what happened to you and where you went. I’m so happy that you had a wonderful vacation. It’s such good news. I’m glad you’re back with us. I missed you too. Yep, there was a lot going on on the blog while you were away. It’ll take some time to catch up. Don’t try to read everything. It’ll probably give you a headache LOL?

  • anabellah

    December 23, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    What you described about your husband and how you feel about him now reminds me of my high-school sweetheart. I was so in love with him. It was like the sun rose around him and the moon set around him. Then one day I found a little, tiny black book with all these girls names in it and it was as though all the love instantly left my heart. I wanted so badly to get it back, but I just couldn’t. Of course I wasn’t Muslim back then, so I didn’t know that Allah places the love in the heart. He places feelings in the heart. Only he can heal the heart as well.

    It seems you’re going to have to persevere, have patience and pray for Allah to give you guidance as to how you should proceed. You can’t do anything unless He wills it. You’re going to have to try to get through it with His help.

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back to talk with everyone afternoon. There’s just so much to do…

  • Umm of2

    December 23, 2016

    As salaamu alaikum all. I’ve missed the blog so much. I went on vacation and was unable to access this site from that country. 

    So much has transpired here it’s going to take awhile to catch up. But I skimmed through a few comments. Saira try not to make a mountain out of a mole hill. If it boils down to you occupying your co’s old home I say grab the bull by its horns and make the best of it. Turn the house into yours. Put their bed in storage and take your own bed and belongings. There’s millions homeless sleeping outside this very moment in the cold snow, hail and rain praying for the blessings you’re taking for granted. 

    Sis ana I truly admire you for keeping this blog above water assisting so many in dying need. It saddens me to see many of the ladies here time and time again not showing thanks and gratitude and thinking you spend all day and night reading and approving comments not realising you have a life of your own, a husband to love and pay attention to, a home to maintain, your own test and trials cut out for you and I imagine much more. 

    May Allah bless you immensely for this good deed. May you never waiver

    salaama 

  • Karima

    December 23, 2016

    I feel disgusted by the suspicion he and his friends have these what’s up groups and just talk and post about women in a very derogatory way, the way men do when they feel they won’t get caught and that’s its their fun to act like this.  This makes me wanna vommit but do correct me if I’m wrong n i shouldnt be feeling like This. Am i really such a bad person full of these base feelings??? 

    i tried to make Dua for him but I think my approach wasn’t pure and honest. God knows that I just want husband just for me and to make me happy .act like my best friend provide and make me feel loved and wanted and cherished.!well that aint happening, lol

    i am tired having to be around him in his mums House. I Used to be so happy around him all in love and now i see us With our true colors and its not that Pretty . I have bad feelings for him and im not such a person and i fight against my jealousy and negatívity sometimes its working sometimes it aint 

     

  • Karima

    December 23, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum!!!

    Amina I feel for u!!! May Allah make it easy on you and provide for your well being. Do you have help ? Family, friends?

    Arzoo our marriage happened in his country but we are registered in the European country we live in as husband and wife.  It shows from our documents we live together for many years and we have kids. We have a flat in both our names and in this country even if u are not married after 5 years of living together in case of divorce is half half he has to pay child support etc. I’ll see what the attorney will say.  I d be ok if he left the house even if we didn’t divorce legally just not to have to be around him. I think… the lies the avoiding to answer directly is what upsets me.  The constant bipping of his phone. He tries to manipulate me emotionally by saying the few times he opened his mouth that I’m a negative person n no one wants to be around me and he is the only one who will never dump me!!!!  This had me thinking . If I feel loved and happy I’m not negative. If I was that then my  2 n half months Moms n kids classes wouldn’t have such a success and kids wouldn’t be all around me. How to act all smiley n happy around him when I feel hurt when I feel resentment towards him?

    I want to have a good relationship so he can visit the kids whenever he wants if every day then every day.  Then I’m thinking either way I only see him in the morning when we wake up so what will change if we don’t live together any more? I won’t have to hang around with him in the weekend n won’t have to wash iron and cook for him… sex we didn’t have last 3 weeks. I hope he won’t initiate it cause I don’t plan to .

    The lack of communication the lack of compassion and true care about my feelings on his part is what is killing slowly slowly the left overs of the love I once had for him.  He is kind he is polite he tries to engage into conversation about every day things. But I don’t talk to him unless it has to do with the kids n some small talk to survive the 3 weeks holidays left with his family:(

  • Jasmina

    December 23, 2016

    Amina

    thats bad news. What lead to the divorce? Or did he simply just rocked up and divorced you? 

    Stay strong. I’ve been divorced but my husband came crawling back. I sometimes regret not loving on with someone else because he has improved but we still have many of the previous problems.

    anyhow you have time in your iddah to resolve it. I think you need to be sincere and ask yourself what you truly want. Children will be okay so long as you react in a mature way and in a way that will not hurt them ie not use them against him etc.

  • Amina

    December 22, 2016

    My husband divored me, we’re not married legally in my state. I guess that’s good, I won’t have to pay for an attorney etc. I don’t know how to feel. One minute I feel confident the next I feel horrible because we have children. Has anyone been divorced ? With children. I worry for them more than myself.

  • anabellah

    December 22, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum, Karima and Jasmina,

    I want to write to both of you. I started writing to Karima and decided to write a post/theme instead. Again, I didn’t want the reply to get lost among the 14,000 comments on the blog as I think the post would benefit and reach others in cyberspace, as well

  • anabellah

    December 22, 2016

    AWWW, Arzoo, it’s so sweet of you. Thanks for your kind words. I know we didn’t see eye to eye in the beginning. I’ve learned a lot from you, as well. I had mentioned before that I admire you. I love your steadfastness, resolve and tenacity. I want to have thick skin the same as you and not let people get to me, nor give up so easily. I’ve gotten a whole lot better and I thank Allah much.

    I didn’t think about the danger that I may have encountered by trying to help someone over the internet to that extent. I don’t intend to do it again. You’re right that I need to do that through some type of agency to be safe. It wasn’t me alone, as I said. It was my another sister, the attorney (who I’m sure you know who she was. She was on the blog regularly) and my wali. I don’t regret having done it at all. I was very, very hurt that she turned on us that way. I suppose she thought the only way to get back with her husband was to blame us for what she did (leaving the country and him). Although I was hurt, I don’t have any other hard feelings about her. I’d welcome her back on the blog and everything would be okay, if she ever wanted to come back :-)

  • Arzoo

    December 22, 2016

    Ana, Thanks for sharing this with us. I have more respect for you. I admit in past there was a time i didnt think very well of you because of difference in views. my views have changed overtime as i have mentioned earlier too both about the blog and about you. 

  • Arzoo

    December 22, 2016

    Wow sister Ana! You really tried your best to help that lady. Dont regret it. What yiu tried to do says a lot about you. That you tried to do a good deed and you have a good heart. A woman whonis initially stupid enough to go to an ustable unsafe country wont sudenly become wiser person. You knee her through internet only. Its hard to tell if someone is in a situation because they are too afraid or helpless to get out or are they plain stupid and responsible for their own misery. Thats why its important that any such work is done through agencies organizations that specialize in this type of work and not spend your own time and resources. 

  • Arzoo

    December 22, 2016

    Karima, dont blame yourself sister. No one is perfect. Marriage is about accepting each other with all the flaws. Your husband is responsible for his own actions. I can suggest one way to test if you are really ready for divorce. When tou think of divorce do you think you would be able to just send him a notice and never never look back or do you atill have hope that your decision to divorce will shock him and make him realize he needs to change some things and work on the marriage. If you still have some hope for the later then i think you are not ready for divorce. Are you legally married tor just islamic nikkah. Do you live in a western country. With you not working it will make a huge difference. I hope you are in a Western country an your marriage is legal there.

  • Karima

    December 22, 2016

    I guess I wasn’t all that good wife for him and not a real partner I have my share of responsibility in this.  I also feel tricked lied to and taken advantage of my good heart love n all.  And I said it before he was a mini God for me though I didn’t make him feel like that . I felt al this overwhelming love for him but he didn’t feel it his needs were different.  Talking with him being open form my side to discuss all issues didn’t work he is different he is a closed person not talkative about feelings and personal issues. The pinky colors of love didn’t let me see clearly and I had the wrong impression he would change I would change him. 

    From this blog I learned it’s not about me and my needs and wants this dinya is not perfect. I have a lot of work to do on myself and on my deen. Just sometimes I feel I did all the work and this man just doesn’t appreciate respect and doesn’t really love me  with the good n the bad. I’m not good enough for him. And I am tired so I give up. I can’t solve this i am tired.  Maybe eventually he will realize it’s not working . Though for him is comfortable this situation. It’s me who is unhappy in this marriage and have second thoughts because i am not strong enough to decide and move on

  • Karima

    December 22, 2016

    Salam to All

    sis Ana and the rest whom I might have stressed I apologise. I am not in danger whatsoever Ahamdulellah. Before i travelled I spoke to the 3 closest people I know who know husband and like him n all. Everyone advised to take it easy and not to act at the heat of the moment .  I mean I live in this 7 years now:( sometimes I can handle it sometimes not that well.  From my side I feel I have a kind husband great with kids who provides but we are not compatible any more.  If that woman wouldn’t keep contacting me hurting me n all things wouldn’t reach to the point. To lose respect and love for him.  I

    hope I’m not bothering u with my confusion and not being able to decide.  This experience made me understand the wisdom behind polygamy when done correctly unfortunately that’s not happening for us as I’m not sure if it’s polygamy or adultery astagfirullah 

  • Moipone

    December 22, 2016

    Good Morning Karima

    Wish you find a solution very soon and the best thing is find a lawyer  first  and talk to them and explain your situation and get legal professional advise before telling your hubby you want a divorce. I hope you find peace with this soon 

  • Karima

    December 22, 2016

    Salam my sis Ana I am very sorry to hear such terrible thing happened and i totally  understand,. Jazak Allah kheir for taking the time and effort to talk With Your wali and for always Being here for me 

  • anabellah

    December 21, 2016

    Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, :-)

    It’s was very sweet of you to speak on a lighter note to bring some sunshine here. It’s fascinating that many people glamorize polygamy and think it’s a wonderful thing that men get to engage in. Many people don’t know that it is a lot of hard work for those men and they have a lot to deal with when it comes to women, their desires and emotions. There was one post that a sister wrote that summed it all up nicely. If I can find it, I will re-post it. There were a few good posts about it that painted a really good picture of what polygamy is like for most Muslim men.

    Tasliman, thank Allah much that you just take everything in stride and go with it. It means you’re experiencing growth. Good for you!

  • anabellah

    December 21, 2016

    Concerned,

    I suppose you expected it, but I don’t agree with your comment about the wars and Muslims suffering, but we can agree to disagree.

    I find that many Muslims blame non-Muslims for their problems instead of putting the blame where it belongs – on themselves. It’s an internal problem that they aren’t recognizing, can’t see and aren’t dealing with.No non-Muslims is telling Muslims to kill one another. Muslims are slaughtering Muslims in those “Muslim countries”. Muslims are suffering and being slaughtered for the wrong they’ve done and what they’ve earned. Non-Muslim are retaliating for the Muslims who have slaughtered their people. They are defending themselves. I didn’t understand your comment about the masses or any of it. It seemed like bits and pieces of thing thrown together. BUT, it’s okay.

  • anabellah

    December 21, 2016

    I should have known better from having investigated domestic violence cases for year in the profession that I was in. I let my emotions get in the way in dealing with the situation that I spoke of in the post. Since it was a sister-in-faith, I let it become personal and thought I should act. As I said, it was a valuable lesson. We live it and we learn it.

  • Concerned

    December 21, 2016

    Ana

    I remember speaking with a knowledgeable sister who said the worse question to be asked is weather or not a person should divorce. Im now thinking its because people tend to reconcile or the situation goes from bad to worse and the adviser gets the blame. The only time one should advise leaving is in domestic abuse. I now completely agree with you and your wali. 

  • anabellah

    December 21, 2016

    Karima, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I spoke with my wali as you asked about the situation. He and I agreed that it is best that we not advise you on the situation because we’ve had a bad experience in the past as a result of doing something like that. There was an American woman who was living in Egypt that was here on the blog for a good long time. She needed our help. She was living alone in Egypt and her husband was off and working in another country. He had taken one of his other wives with him to live with him there. He had left the American wife all alone and she didn’t speak the language. She was having a very difficult time and asked for our assistance, which we gave her.

    My wali; another sister-in-faith who had just reverted and was on the blog and lives in the states; an attorney who was a regular on the blog; and I went out of our way to help her. We paid for her flight to the US. The attorney that I mentioned was on the phone with authorities from the UK where she was detained while en route to the US. When she arrived in the US, we gave her housing, money, clothes etc.
    She then began communicating with her husband again. She decided to go back to her husband who had returned to Egypt. It was after her adaat period, so she had to have a nikah all over again.

    To make a long story short, she slandered on the internet all of us who had gone out of our way to help her. She said we had given her bad advice. I suppose it made it easier for her husband to take her back, if she blamed her leaving on us advising her. She didn’t let everyone know that she begged and pleaded for our help because she said her husband had abandoned her in a foreign country and that she was going crazy, losing her mind and needed our help.

    Based on what we experienced, my wali and I don’t want to take a chance of going down that road again with telling someone to leave the home or not and things of that nature. When it comes to domestic situations, a woman has a tendency to reconcile with her husband and then make those who helped her to leave a bad situation out to be the bad people. I learned a valuable lesson from it.

    I would not suggest that you lock him out though. Ask someone at the Masjid if you could leave your home with the children. You’ll probably need to give your husband back the dowry, if he had given you one. It’s the most that I can tell you on a personal level.

  • Tasliyman

    December 21, 2016

    Aslm ladies

    Things have been a bit hectic here so I thought I would share a story on a lighter note. 

    I feel a bit sorry for my husband but highly amused at the same time. 

    Usually on change-over days during the holidays he would come home exhausted from all the errands he had to run the morning. Then he just wants to rest. It used to bother me when I had all kinds of plans for us and all he wanted to do was go sleep.

    Now it honestly doesn’t bother me anymore. I have more than enough to keep me busy with while he’s recovering. 

    BUT now our daughter is big enough to decide that she will have none of that. She’s basically dragged him outside to go and play.  So it seems there will be no rest for the poor soul.   It looks like a zombie and a toddler playing in the garden. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif

  • anabellah

    December 21, 2016

    Dear Sister Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It saddens me that you are feeling so down. I would say that as you have gone away with him with the children that you try to make the best of the visit. Spend as much of it as possible not alone with him, but with his family there, if you really don’t feel up to trying to make it work between you and him.

    When you return home, go consult with the attorney to discuss your options and how you should proceed if you are firm on getting a divorce. In the US there is a way the person could get served with legal paper and have the person removed from the home. I don’t know how it works in the country in which you live. The attorney could tell you the various options.

    Then you may want to go to a masjid, sit down and talk with someone there about your situation. Get that advice. Then you will be armed with information to help you make an informed decision.

    There is no easy way to break the news to your husband about it. There’s nothing you could say that will make him respond in an accepting way.

    Being that you expect a negative response from him and you are fearful, I suggest you have someone with you when you break the news to him. Don’t inform him while you and he are alone.

  • Karima

    December 21, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum

    so we travelled and are now in his mothers house. we shall be here for another 3 weeks. Ana i dont know if i can ask such a thing… may i please ask You to ask Your wali how i can talk to my husband about us getting a divorce? How can i say it in order not to fire an explosion n all,? I feel such a failure trying to communicate with him I don’t want to make things worse. When we return first thing to do is to see an attorney. I am afraid of husband s reaction indeed. Changing the locks would be too drastic no? Me packing up and leaving the House Still would be drastic no,? I dont want dráma n im scared thats what will happen .

    Ana trust is gone I only have bitterness and resentment for him and my mental and emotional well being is on stake at times when I feel overwhelmed .

    i want to keep a Good relationship because of the kids but i dont want to be around him any longer,.

    i know I should forgive him n let go but it ain’t happening and I feel guilty and bad for that.

    Jazak Allah kheir

  • Concerned

    December 21, 2016

    Ana

    I see your point, my view is that the war is between muslims and non muslims. I say this because Assad and his armies are shia, they hold a kufr belief and deny ayat of Quran. The russian, uk and usa armies are also (mostly) non muslims. Israelis  (jews) are also non muslims. They are all fighting the muslims and they always will because Allah says in Quran “never will they be pleased with you till you follow their way” and “if you were to follow the majority, you would be lead astray” unfortunately the muslims have a bunch of crazy, extreme people (isis) representing them. This group and their extreme beliefs have been around for 100s of years. They just have way more follwers now because people dont learn the religion, they just make it up themselves. They get sucked in because their hearts are full of hate and violence, they think Islam gives them the right to murder innocent people. 

    When it comes to “good” in this life. It is to remember Allah and do good deeds. If Allah wills this for a person they had good in this life and will have good in the hereafter. Muslims and non muslims have periods of peace and happiness. Non muslims have riches, nice homes, food, healthy children and are born in privileged countrys. This is not the good that gets one into jannah, its not the good in this life and the hereafter, rememberance of Allah is the greatest thing in life, non muslims dont have this, and that is the good that a muslim gets. 

    Thats my take. 

  • anabellah

    December 20, 2016

    The reason I say it is because Allah in the Quran promises so much good in this world for believers. He says we are one brotherhood. Yet all Muslims are divided. I just wanted to express how I came to my conclusion.

  • anabellah

    December 20, 2016

    Jasmina,

    What you intend for the week sounds like a plan. Go for it. Don’t give up on a holiday. Allah is a doer of what He wills.

    I, too, think about all the wars that are going on and Muslims suffering and fighting one another. I think about why it is and I’ve concluded that it’s because most Muslims have turned their backs on Allah. They have disobeyed Him.

  • Jasmina

    December 20, 2016

    Ana

    thats very nice. By now I start to look forward to taking a break and too feel optimistic about the new year ahead. I have a good feeling about everything to come alhamdulillah. 

    2016 was messy but I achieved a lot of personal growth. 

    I can’t help but think of the people of Syria, Burma, Palestine, Iraq, it would have been a horrible year for them. 

    I’d love a holiday, haven’t had one in over 8 years.  I think I’ll shut all technology down for a week and enjoy my time with my baby. 

     

  • Serena

    December 20, 2016

    Salam

    Sis Ana and Concerned

    Jazakallah for the welcome and Concerned for explaining what a vulnerable adult is when it comes to Social Services. 

    Saira

    You are not going to like what I write but your posts have a lot of contradiction. The sister’s take time to advise you but you get offended and defensive and even accused mari2 of all sorts. 

    In your October 1st post you said both your first and second marriage ended because the husbands had haram relationship with other women while married to you. Now you are telling a different story.  Your post is still there anyone can read it and see for themselves you change your story.

    Also Saira again sorry if you find it harsh but you blame Ana for bringing up intimacy but in your October and November 8 posts from what you wrote clearly shows you have issues with your co having intimacy with her husband. You yourself said your husband lied to you about many things and if you knew about it then you wouldn’t have married him. You said even if they are intimate even once a month. You posted that stuff the post is still there in November 8.

    You even said its been 10 years since you stopped talking to your cousins in UK because of gossip etc and now you say your cousin is looking after your son.Ok.

    Now I am not going to point out all the contradictions in your posts but I don’t think you are always telling the truth and you have been caught out and you don’t like it.

    Please I hope you understand sisters on here are only trying tp help each other and taking there time to do so.

     

  • anabellah

    December 20, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I find each year keeps getting better. I love the end of the year and the beginning of a new one. I’m always optimistic about starting a new.

    I stopped making formal year end resolutions for the new years, years ago. Although resolutions are nothing more than intents. Rather now I intend to be a better servant to Allah daily, which, in turn, makes me a better human being.

    I love beginning a new year. It’s like a fresh start.It makes me happy. :-)

  • Jasmina

    December 20, 2016

    2017 is almost here. What are everyone’s plans for the new year?

  • Jasmina

    December 20, 2016

    Saira

    after my comment Ana was nice enough to apologise to you and encouraged every one to  take it easy on you and made it clear nothing was said with an intention to attack or critisise you instead were only offering you advice and I guess expressing thoughts and opinions based on what you wrote. However your response was hurtful. Anyhow I hope we can treat each other like as if we were real sisters…. well like sisters I’m faith and humanity as I do tend to have heated arguments with my real sister at times lol

  • Concerned

    December 20, 2016

    Serena

    Welcome. I liked your post too. I did want to mention some of the things you did but I couldn’t word correctly to not come of harsh. 

    Ana

    A ‘vulnerable person’ is a person over the age of 18 who for mental problems, ilness, age or disability reasons is in need of community services as to not be taken advantage of. They cant protect themselves from harm and exploitation. They are provided with homes (sheltered housing) money, and a social worker. They have access to other benefits/services too. 

  • Arzoo

    December 20, 2016

    Saira, I am so sorry to hear about your past marriages and cant imagine how you handled all that.

    I understand better now that you were getting ready to move when plans changed suddenly. I still believe that you lost focus under emotional stress. If you would have stayed on point about needing a comfortable safe place for pregnancy then you had a better chance convincing your hubby to think of better options. Anyways i widh you very best. 

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum, As I mentioned earlier, I’ve made a post/theme/article out of a comment that I had previously posted. I thought it important enough to get out there in cyberspace.

    Husbands Who Promise Not to Have Sex

    okay, I’m going to go relax a bit, Insha Allah…

    Reclining Couch

  • Saira

    December 19, 2016

    Sister sarena 

    there are medical reason and I been doing lengthy courses to qualified and keeping house I am paying vd pocket money it’s not I have so much pocket money I can waste 

    I am not even thinking about money or any thing

    somtime authorities do strange things too

    its their requirement and giving up house I would be loosing all the courses I done for my son 

    it’s the house where I done health and sctery checks and all 

    there are many illness many people not aware of 

    my cousin is looking after my wee boy until I do all and get qualification and until my boy becom healthy 

    he is fine Alahamdulih but safety been taken 

    and my mother in law would help me heal while I can walk as I develop blood cloths any time I bleed and any infection I get I develop sepsis amd septicaemia 

    sarena I was married befrore when I was very young even didn’t get visa that time due to my age 

    I got divorce before even I was 18 and never even had any idea of husband and wife relationship boy has white women and left me before we even got full marrige Cermany 

    i study in college got some education for married again and within year 

    child father went back and his family put pressure on him and he never able to come back and he decided it was best for me if I remarry and send me divorce 

    now am marrige again 

    It was very harsh things you said but Allah knows best 

    JazakAllah to all

     

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2016

    Sister Saira,

    It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I’m not going to comment now on your post because I haven’t read it all yet. I only skimmed it. I want to know what I’m talking about by reading it, before I comment on it. Right now, I’m working on a post/thread/article.

    Please note that although the article is about what we’ve talked about regarding intimacy and promises, it’s not about you. It’s just a topic that needs to be out there in cyberspace because it’s something that occurs in polygamous marriages. You are not mentioned in it. No one is.

  • Saira

    December 19, 2016

    Sister Ana 

    i am extremely sorry I should had not said like that and if I write in future I should try to write in a way msgs get to point and no one get confuse 

    I am sorry for hurting you I agree you doing it good will but I did not said why didn’t post my commoner this and this time 

    and I agree and even thougt many times what’s the out come for you getting us advice and then hear from us like that 

    I gain so much knowledge here but same time I did got misunderstood many times 

    i do know how hard you run this blog and what goes behind all this and doing all you don’t get much appriciate by us 

    I am sorry I was the one alwsy appriciate you most in my Duas and will always do but I ruined my all good deeds here 

    one other thing I was so sad today and confuse  I was looking for two post I posted here and I couldn’t find 

    i guess some time when I wrote and hit submit somehow it got undo vd speed and never got posted or posted empty 

    the post was mainly about hubby is getting me house before delivery and i was sharing how will I do plan and stuff and another post I posted about my co got notice but it was two post in diffrent time of month but in same December post

    i was thinking every one busy that why no one congrats me for house 

    and I posted another post when hubby got house and told me he bought for co and I only came to know after some time that it’s same house for me but Instead of me moving he decided to move co for time being  and it mean I will still live in same house and deliver 

    so you can imagine one person done packing and was all organised and suddenly told no it’s not happening 

    it not only hurt but pain full to know when my most needy time of birth and before birth I would had easy life with batter place vd less walking etc I would still be living in hard situation and in top of that having other option I was put in state that I have to share same house for life when simply I could go there move there straight away and co can move temporarily in one of his other property or even if emergency she could move in gusset room and we all could live Togater to time being 

    sister Arzoo again you taking my emotion wrong way 

    there is not moving things happening any way even if I agree to live in house where co lived till next year 

    I do know safety of my and child is important and this is not the case here at all 

    and my mother in law will keep me for week or so after birth

    ans also I mention before my husband brother wife due same time and we be Togater in same house and my mother in law has very small room and will share that 

    if I hadn’t lost that post it won’t be this whole issue here 

    I am extremely sorry again sister and 

    hope you won’t keep any thing in heart and forgive me 

    spirited mention about some sort of fetish 

    i had to google that word and my hubby has something like that I don’t want to share here but some strange physcial things he likes and some things he hate the point he vomit 

    he can not face any smell etc and any fat or hair many other things 

    having initimate is big task and I make sure I shower before he comes use certain things ofcousre all halal nothing forbidden we do but it’s so important to him 

    I cook and have to close all doors etc for smell and shower many time after cooking 

    any one sweat he faint vd the smell 

    I don’t want to in deep details but there are things not in his control and as being ocd I can understand why he can’t do many things 

    and Arzoo said he might get some sort of panic and sometime it’s more then panic 

    I have no idea what and why he does that and what so gross he thinks it is 

    I don’t think I ever mention but when he was young he was arrange to marry his cousin he run from it and he tells me it’s his cousin voice made him panic and he couldn’t marry her 

    since Arzoo pointed that he might get in panic mood I started to see many other things made him panic and when he gets hurt he say things to make me hate him 

    when I told him I rather move his any of other property then where will will keep co for a short time and said its not nice feeling for me in that bed room 

    but I was not saying in wrong way I said reality 

    but he said so bad how he like to do and all 

    and knowing him so well I know many things he describe he hate to do 

    he has some sort of obsession where if he sees something he don’t know how to love and hate 

    now been two days he stick vd me so much 

    I need to understand him and make dua to Allah to heal his obsession and all the things he has fetish type 

    again sister Ana and all sisters am sorry 

     

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2016

    Serena,

    If you don’t mind me asking, “What is a vulnerable adult”? Is it like someone who may possibly end up homeless, if she doesn’t have the designated housing always available?

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2016

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam! Welcome to the blog :-)

    I didn’t see anything at all wrong with the post that you wrote to Saira. In fact, I found that it was very informative.

    I thought about commenting to Saira about her mother-in-law wanting her to go there to recover after she has the baby. I thought it may be because her mother-in-law questions whether Saira would be able to care for the child, if Social Services took her other child from her. There is a reason that she doesn’t have the child back. I know she may not like me “mentioning” it or stating what came to my mind, but I’ve done it any how.

    You may be the person who she mentioned appeared here on the scene and commented when you hadn’t before. How else would we have people here commenting if they didn’t come out of the shadows and speak up. I’m happy you came forward from being a silent reader and let your voice be heard.

  • Serena

    December 19, 2016

    Salam

    I was not attacking Saira or being personal.  Was just advising her as she has social services to deal with that’s why I mentioned housing issues and her son. I know she said her son was taken away for medical reasons. Social services must have reason to believe the boy would not be safe with its mother thats why they took him. I am not saying social services are correct in their belief or not because I do not know what happened but it is obvious they felt Saira was not suitable to look after him.

    With housing social services must be telling her she needs to keep the government property because she is probably classed as a vulnerable adult otherwise there ia no way she can have an empty property while councils struggle to house people and she has another place provided to her by her husband. 

    I dod not call her husband a junkie she implied that herself. This is her third marriage she needs to see where she might be going wrong instead of blaming her husbands. 

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2016

    I finally got the last post below right. Some of you may need to refresh your page.

    @Saira,

    There isn’t anything in spam. The only legitimate comments that go into spam are ones that have links in them or were blocked. Sometimes there’s a fluke and a valid post may may end up in there. But, there is nothing from you or anyone else in there.

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2016

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam, tunis,

    Thank you for giving an accurate assessment of the purpose for this blog

    Some people are mistaken and think this blog is just for them to vent and get people to tell them what they want to hear. It’s not what this blog is about.

    Anything that a person says on this blog, a person should be able to make a comment about it, whether the reply is good, bad or indifferent. It amazes me when a person says something like, I put that information out there and you used it against me; you brought it up again. Well, what was the purpose of telling us about it in the first place, if you don’t want us to talk about it or mention it? It makes no sense that a person would get upset because someone spoke about what they said.

    I could understand not wanting to be called a “sinner”, Biatch or other derogatory names and stuff like that because it amounts to abusing people. But to reply to what someone says and give feedback whether negative or positive is expected. To do all the things that you said in the post is what this blog is about. Why else would a person write here?

    What? Should they write and tell people not to comment? What’s the use of writing then? The person should just go make a diary. It’s crazy…

    But, yes, your post pretty much sums it up and you did it nicely. Thank you! :-)

  • tunis

    December 19, 2016

    Asalamu alaikum Ana…

    If anyone needs a ‘congratulations’ ..it is you Ana.  I have often wondered how you do it…mashallah.  yes..that is exactly how I see it too…..free counseling…wow……we all put our situations out there….surely we expected to be aynalized..scrutinized…..sympathized…even get some constructive critisism …….to see if our feelings..thinkings..doings..or dealings with regards to each of our problems is correct or not…why else are we here.?  Free counseling is right..!  ..So I for one, like this forum and hope Ana doesn’t change her mind. 

  • Arzoo

    December 19, 2016

    Spirited, 

    I totally agree. Thats what i told Saira that looks like her husband panics when she mentions him and co being intimate. Maybe he thinks he wont get all the sex from second wife if she strted obsessing over this stuff. 

    Oh i did not know she is expecting a baby girl. Knowing mentality of majority of pakistanis i see why suddenly Saira is getting all this abuse. Afterall the second marriage to bring a Pakistani wife was all about bringing a caregiver for in laws and giving them a male child.

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2016

    Don’t miss Arzoo’s post under mine.

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2016

    Sister Spirited,  there you are https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gifWa Alaikum As Salaam

    It’s sooooo good to hear from you. Dear Sister, I know you are extremely busy, which is why I haven’t bothered you with any emails lately. You’re in my thoughts. Don’t concern yourself with emailing me. Insha Allah, we’ll touch base with each other in emails when it pleases and if it pleases Allah. I’m just happy to hear you’re well and all is going good for you.

    Oh, Sis, before I end this post, I need to mention that you forgot to let Saira know that you are a Pakistani lady as well. I don’t want her to come here and say, oh, there she goes; another woman ganging up on a Pakistani.

    And about the fettish thing that you mentioned, I’m glad you did. I was going to bring it up too. There are some men who have been known to bring their mistresses to there wives home while the wives are gone and the he has sex in the marital bed. I never knew why that happens. I can only assume that the men get turned on by sleeping in the bed with the wife and reliving the experience with the mistress, or something like that.

    Take good care of you, Sis Spirited. Have a Happy New Year! if I don’t hear from you before then. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Arzoo

    December 19, 2016

    Saira, 

    I request that you calm down for the sake of your baby. Afterall its the advice here that helped you. Everyone agrees on one thing that making dua and being patient will give you peace of mind. You did the right thing by taking everything in stride and refusing to furter escalate the fight with husband. That helped him come to you and behave nicely again. So be thankful for that sister. 

    We all hbe our lives so dont have enought time to understand details of all properties your husband has and al the plans and change in plans that happened regarding properties. I still think you are blinded by jealousy and not prioritizing and communicating well. The main point you should have emphasized all along was your needs because of pregnancy and your concern for your own and babies well being. Thats should be your main focus and you have every right to keep asking tactfully for better hliving situation. You taking tgree flights of stairs to me is the most important issue. What happens if an emergency comes up during pregnancy. You can fight your orher battles later on. If you had stayed on this point which is very valid then your husband and in-laws would have supported your need for better house. You made a wrong chiice when tou made the whole fight about not living in the bedroom where co lived. That may be very important for you but its more of an emotional argument than a practical one. This argument changed the whole topic. It also showed that your ealousy and emotions are more important to you than making sure you and baby are safe during and after pregnancy. You said you are willing to live in this area with druggies and bad environment all your life than living where co once lived. So you dont care if yiur child grows up in this bad environment as long as your egoown ego is intact. Sister please think practically and then you will see our point. You will see that you are blinded by jealousy and did not make a good practical argument to secure a better and safe  living space for you and baby.

  • Spirited

    December 19, 2016

    Salaam guys,

    First thing, it’s a bit further down and I guess I’m a bit lazy but I’m pretty sure Saira wrote that her husband was the one who got an attitude afree her saying she wouldn’t want to use his & other wife’s used bed.  He was the one who jumped to clarify that they do not have sex and was mad that she would assume they would (normal enough thing to assume).  To me, it sounds like HE is the one with the problem, not Saira.  He might have some weird fetish in that he doesn’t want her to believe he is intimate with his other wife and gets triggered if she does.  In any case, his overall behavior seems to be in line with egotistical self-important paki males, so I can’t say I was all that surprised reading what Saira gave us of her husband.  You guys also forget the insults he flings at her because the coming baby is a girl and not a boy (another typical Pakistani male attitude).  In any case, she has diffused the situation in her home for now and can get back to focusing on the arrival of her child.  

    Things are going well for me and I hope they continue, Insha’Allah.  Ana, I’ve been meaning to email you but been busy with school and then final exams!  

    Sadly, I don’t usually have much of value to add but I’m still around https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    see you guys again, much love to everyone and in case I don’t get to say anything before then, I hope the new year starts well for everyone! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2016

    Saira,

    I’m not even finished reading your one post and I am freaking the hell out to the point that I don’t even know where to begin. Who do you think you are to tell me that I should read comments properly before approving them and then shed light? You fail to realize that I have a life other than this blog. I have a husband and a home. I have chores that need to be done. I have a family besides my husband (an Islamic family and biological family). I have other businesses to run. I have appointments that I have to attend, as well, and there is much more. I don’t just sit here at the computer day and night reading and writing to people on this blog. Much of the time I’m out on the road taking care of business. I read and approve posts while I’m out from people on the 411 while I’m in my car, sometimes while driving or stopped at a traffic light, which is illegal. I could get a traffic violation for doing so.

    It takes time to read all of these comments. The revised, new version of the blog has over 14,000 comments since August 2014 (2 yrs and 4 months). The older version of the blog that was in existence since February 2009, I removed and replaced with the new. And then there are articles that I have to write, which number over 150 on this new blog. I have to come up with a topic, write it and proof it and it’s not easy. It’s like writing a column for a newspaper or something. The life of a blog is only 3 years because of the work that has to go into it, the maintenance and management that it entails.

    This blog is not one of those blogs that are a free blog spot or free word press blog that someone throws up in five minutes. I have to pay for the names of the blog, yearly (I own the polygamy911.com name as well), not the polygamy911wordpress blog that is a freebee that is out there. If you put in http://www.polygamy 911.com, this 411 blog will pop up. I have to pay for hosting of this blog as well, which is almost $200.00 a year.

    Unlike a freebee blog, I got a blank blog and everything, images, wording, color of text, size of text, columns etc. I had to put there. I have to pay for a theme for the blog as well, which is the layout of it. I pay yearly for that as well. If something goes wrong with this blog, I’ve got to sit on the phone for sometimes an hour and deal with technicians about it. When they can’t fix the problem because they say it’s not their problem, I have to pay a coder to trouble shoot the problem and fix it. I had to pay to have a coder put the comment box at the top of the page when all other blog has it at the bottom. I didn’t want everyone to have to scroll all the way down to the bottom of the page because we have so many comments.

    What I do here is like a friggin full-time job, but you know what? I don’t get paid in money for what I do. I get solace out of thinking that maybe Allah is rewarding me with some bakats (blessings) for managing this blog, but now after writing this post to you, I’ve probably blown some of them. I’m not like you with the luxury to sit on my phone or at the computer and type out a problem that I’m having and get a whole bunch of replies back. I have to answer all the questions day and night.

    I have my phone near my bed and if I hear the notification sound, and it wakes me, guess what? I raise up out of my sleep and approve the posts. Sometimes, if I’m very sleep I just wait till Fajr time. I can’t just approve a post upon seeing a familiar named person wrote it. I have to see if there are any links in it or Arabic text that I need to remove, so I have to skim it to approve it. The phone gives me notification all day and night. Do you know why? Because we’re all on different time zones. Sometimes when I’m trying to sleep or trying to enjoy a movie on TV or have sex with my husband the friggin phone is going off that someone here has written. You don’t think sometimes I get tired of all of this. I’ve considered making this a blog that you all write and talk to each other and I just moderated comments and write articles, but Allah hasn’t allowed me to do that yet.

    Actually you all are getting counseling for free. It would make more sense for me to go to domestic abuse shelter or counseling center and counsel there and get PAID in US dollars or set up a counseling business on the internet that generates income, instead of writing to people like you that come across in your post as some entitled ingrate. HuH

    It all that I have to say about the matter right now. PLEASE ALL, don’t write me telling me how much you love the blog and appreciate it and thanking me. BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!

  • Jasmina

    December 19, 2016

    Amina

    hang in there, it’s insensitive of your husband but also try not to think into it too much. Perhaps talk to him about how it’s affecting u. Men think they have a high libido and then get into polygamy and can’t keep up in that department. Argh it’s a pain. Try to think he’s away on business perhaps, I know it’s not the best thing to do as it’s better to accept but if it helps in the short term. I don’t know what to say other than it helps if you can fix the other aspects in your marriage, then intimacy just gets better. How do you treat your husband? Do u two fight or argue much?

  • Maryam

    December 19, 2016

    I

  • Sadyah

    December 19, 2016

    Assalam o alaikum ,

    Sister Amina,

      No body can help you in that situation except Allah.Sister the only thing that work is to pray and  cry a lot in front of Allah.Telling the whole situation to Him without hesitation is the only way to find peace.of course for sometime but then you have Him to tell your story again word by word with a lot of tears.of course He knows but sister , I found too much peace in it in many situations. I use to tell my worries to Allah in a way that we tell someone else(with all what happened,all my feelings,all backbiting of others who hurt me) and in the end, I say that I do forgive the one just because you like to forgive and I want reward from you.

    Sister, make sure that your husband knows your intensions because sometimes they don’t guess correctly.

     

  • Sadyah

    December 19, 2016

    Assalam o alaikum 

    Sister saira,

    Thanks to take my advice seriously.this will insha Allah help you in the future as well.may Allah give you health soon and give you a beautiful healthy baby.we love you too Sister.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

    Now , take a copy and pen and start making a list of baby stuff and enjoy.

     

  • Saira

    December 19, 2016

    Sister Ana 

    just want to say one thing 

    you all can not be wrong and I can not be all wrong or right too 

    but many time in this week I posted things and no one said congratulation or good luck or any thing and seems like my post been lost or didn’t made it 

    as I type from phone and share so it could be that too where many misunderstanding begin vd housing and all

    but I just want to say just check in spam and see u might find few of my old post 

    jazakAllah

  • Saira

    December 19, 2016

    Sister sarena 

    thanks you for understanding me so much 

    and sorry the house I got from government is not just house I got and they pay every thing on that house

    i worked my ass off and paid so much txt which normal person don’t pay

    i worked so much for years and paid txt but I am not like many people here calming benefit 

    before u just judge me on this you should have asked me why I have that house 

    I am paying for that house from my pocket money 

    I don’t claim any benefit yet I can 

    my social worker does know I have this house and I am living g one day on one day off with my husband but she knows we partner 

    and smoking weed on average is not a crime here it does not come in second class drug here

    many gp prescribe this in some areas 

    it’s not my husband is junkie the way you describe or some sort of benefit frud people here 

    my council does know about my house and me and my husband clearly has told authorities how I get finacilly supported by my partner 

    and keeping that house is my must need as it required me and it’s not up to me return to council it is my social worker who want me must have that house 

    And sister sarena 

    my other baby is perfectly fine now Alhamdulih 

    it was not something financially or any sort of envirment 

    Some medical issue my son had which led them to interfere 

    it was all written but u have to be care full by saying something sensitive to some one 

    like sister sadiyah she alwsy kept nice Ana soft words towards my situation 

    it’s all in good page now Alhamdulih but again my health is not doing fine again and they keeping eye on to support me 

    some of allowances I have to take even if my husband can provide me it’s rules here 

    if my father takes second wife in this age I would not be happy at all 

    it’s not he took wife it’s as a daughter I know how hard life we had and still 

    then why on earth add another women in life when can not provid for one ?

    man can take up to 4 wife’s only if he can provide them

    i know its from Allah but it’s not farz for him 

    but if my husband wants to take third one I would not go against that as he will happily or sad provide for all 

    but it’s ok I take every one advice and will work out

    Sister concern and rest 

    i will work at my self and my nafs but I felt so hurt by reading this so personal housing and my son situation and made me relize why did I share here wish I have button and I can erase all 

    I am taking silent mode now I am not copying well in health wise and 

    hope fully I will back when recover 

    in advance to all happy new year 

     

  • Concerned

    December 19, 2016

    Amina

    Its not something thats happend to me  so I cant write from experience. But I think that most problems in polygamy required large amounts of patience. Call me crazy, but im thinking if you husband is out being happy and all you could take the opportunity when hes in a happy mood to reconnect with him. Sometimes I like to remind my husband of a time when we had fun. It might be a trip away or a special time you’d both remember. Or sometimes if we weren’t getting on, id just sit with him, without trying to start a discussion and let him know I just wanted to sit with him. 

  • Concerned

    December 19, 2016

    Ana

    Thats fine, I dont remember exactly what was said anyhow lol. I hope Allah forgives you for what you felt was a wrong thing to say. 

  • Concerned

    December 19, 2016

    Saira 

    Im sorry you feel like you cant comment on here anymore. I know how it feels to ‘feel’ attacked on this blog. Ana (and everyone else lol) pointed out (brutally) that I side with first wives and have an issue with second wives. It was partly true, I do/did have an issue. I had never had my opinion challenged and in my head I could understand but I had let it enter my heart, it was fact. I felt second wive deserve the pain and heart ache. Im trying to change this now. The ladies could see something I couldn’t. 

    In your case I think it is obvious that you have huge issues with sexual jealously. And that was/is the problem with the house. In answer to your question, how would I feel if my husband said he ‘fucked’ my co every way possible. I would feel like their was no need to disclose the secrets of their bedroom, I would tell him that I dont think my co would appreciate sharing that information. In the back of my mind id be thinking ‘I hope you got some rest after that cuz I want some loving’ 

    Iv been where you are. Do you know I couldn’t handle my husband leaving (on change over day) without having sex. When I got my menses, I was even more crazy cuz I couldn’t get it on and I thought it would be more likely he’d have sex with her. If I suspected He’d been getting it on, id flip, cry, be moody etc. Do you know what my husband said to me “its allowed, you need to get over it” obviously this made me more crazy but I needed to be told this, he couldn’t and wouldn’t tell me if he did or not to make me feel better. I couldn’t live my life knowing that if I had an incline that they’d been intimate Id go nuts, and my peace would be disturbed. Just as you do. Its shows though. You need to deal with it. I know it makes you feel happy when your husband bad mouths your co and says he doesn’t want to have sex with her. It normal but its NOT right. If my husband said for example “Oh I cant wait to get home, iv missed you so much” that translated as “I hate being with this woman, id much rather be with you, I haven’t had sex with her and I cant wait to get u in the bedroom” as ana said we women can delude ourselves. He said nothing of the sort. You see, when we see behaviour that we have experienced and tell tale signs we call them out because we know the behaviour and incorrect thinking is destructive and painful and ALWAYS ends badly. We only say cuz we’ve been there. Its not a personal attack. 

  • Moipone

    December 19, 2016

    Hi Saira 

    I will give my two cents on your situation,  I would also rather stay in a one room house than move into a house where my hubby had sex with his other wife. Language is not a problem because pain is all the same whether English is your first language or you are Chinese.  Pain is Pain, Keep yourself healthy for your little one. As for your husband its good that you don’t trust him blindly, focus on having your baby and stress less. Please don’t drink too much cold water all the time even ice its not good for the baby. We are here to help each other and we all see things differently but at the end of the day we are here for each other. Some of us have learned to have thicker skin and some we are still learning to toughen up.

    All the best☺ 

  • Serena

    December 19, 2016

    Salam

    I have been following this blog for a long time and would like to give my say on Saira’s situation. 

    Sister you need to take care of yourself for your own wellbeing and your unborn baby.

    The sisters here have given you good advice.

    I think you have an issue with polygamy. In a previous post after Tunis posted about her daughter’s not accepting their dad’s second marriage you said you wouldn’t be happy if your dad married again at his age because of all the years your mum has been with him and now its her time to enjoy holidays etc. Why wouldn’t you be happy if Allah has allowed it that is for your dad too. Also as a second wife you are being a hypocrite what about all the years your husband and co had together?

    You have said your husband treats  you like a princess alhumdulillah. But he abuses you emotionally and he seems to know what buttons to press to keep you happy. Please do dua to Allah to help you with that.

    You have a home from the government yet he still provided you with a flat. There are people on waiting list for homes and you have an empty government property that could be given to someone who needs it. Also if you have government home you must be getting financial assistance from the government aswell like income support or job seekers and housing benefit otherwise who pays rent for that government property. ( you dont have to answer but I know how these things work in the UK).

    Do you really believe your husband that he is not intimate with his other wife? When you have your baby and depending on type of birth you wont be able to have physical relationship at least your husband has his other wife.

    You need to think seriously as you have social services on your case because your last baby was taken by them. Now your husband smokes allsorts just hope social services don’t find out as you will be putting your baby at risk around him.

    Sister please forgive me if I sound harsh but you can’t always sugar coat situations and just need to hear the truth even if it may sound harsh and bitter.

    Sister Ana wow mashallah love your blog and how you address issues.

  • saira

    December 19, 2016

    Sister Ana and all am sorry if I becom rude 

    Mira my harmons as well and and the thougt of might get horrible life threatening infection during labour 

    if I sneeze I bleed so bad from nose and in 24 hour many time I faint and not able to wear cloths as I sweat so much and feel so hot 

    I keep eating ice and drinking very cold water 

    now I don’t think I could even able to go to any one house as how i feel and not wanting to dress up ?

    Also my silly phone is bad 

    I try to type something and it gets type some things else 

    also I do not able to explain any thing property at all 

    my writing and spelling is so bad 

    also I am sorry my husband got few properties and I did not explain at all properly so evey one was cofuse 

    sister Jasmine took so long time to got my point 

    also one thing I do want to sHare 

    i do not blindly trust my husband when ever he say or confess how madly he love me and all and would die to think about any women 

    I just leave that part to Allah 

    he could be over possess vd me or love me madly where he hurt me or he I don’t know 

    any way I need to go now 

    love u all 

  • saira

    December 19, 2016

    Dear sister Jasmine 

    jazakAllah for speaking up for me I think no one really understood me properly and all sudden attack me with nasty comments specially sister Mari 2

    i personally felt she is portrating me vd her co in order to take her anger on co she took on me 

    this blog spouse to help women and give them best support and advice and I personally thin ana 

    you do this blog you should read any comment properly before approving it and then shed light 

    it’s not after sometime when some one correct t you you say ohh I am sorry I miss the post or didn’t read 

    you were the one actully started to point out the issue of intimacy 

    MashaAllah it’s good to see all women here are so good and no one has any jelousy that is just a simply crap if you all think that 

    if no one had any they won’t be here at all

    i am seriously fed up at one point I was thinking am I getting any support here or just being bullied for being second and Pakistani wife?

    if any one you had any concern to help and advice someone here then soon you see any post you should comment on that post but if you w8 and see that persons comment more them once and in the end some of you show up to comment and haras without reading the whole situation you guys are so bad in giving advice 

    why on earth sister Ana you start attacking and advising me for Intimate thing when I have explained where the whole issue started 

    I am not dumb lonely tune what ever it is 

    if I just belive what my husband tells me 24/7 and blindly belive that then why on earth I refuse to move in MY property where he wants to move co for short period of time 

    if I made sure my husband do not intimate vd co then I would not even had any problem moving in in my property after co moves out 

    I am freaking out and telling you all LAST time 

    I said I would not move there bcoz it is not nice feeling to sleep in same bedroom after co move out 

    and Ofcourse if they sleeping in same room they not brother and sisters if my husband like to intimate vd her or not it’s not the point I was trying to tell him I simply said I won’t move as it won’t make me comfortable at all 

    if you read clearly Ana which I beeeeen telling you plz read I am jelous of course all women are in this situation 

    if any one you do not have problem to use same bedroom your husband and co used for sometime then it’s your choice 

    I am an adult and I  choose to tell him my feelings that I can not do that simple it that 

    and sorry sister and but where did you get that idea I stop him for having intimate vd her by refusing to move in there when she leaves ????

    mari 2 if I am complaing then am sure if you read my post you will see why I am complaing 

    did I said in any post I made my husband or force him to rehouse me in batter place then co and made his life hell by wanting more then co ?

    sister do not just take anger out sisters here base on nationality and number 

    I have explain for the first time when I been told to get house from my husband 

    if I was ungrestful of complaining like you said your co does then why on earth I lived in this state for two years ?

    ofcousre something came up and my hopes were hight and then if it was not house if it was like car or cloths or any thing I would not say no I don’t want to use my co second use stuff 

    I choose to refuse house which was for me and co will move for short period 

    while my husband having money and other house as well and it did not seems right to me 

    sister Tunis gave me advice to get new bed sheet or new bed it just cudnt understand being so mature she didn’t get it was not about bed or bed sheets

    it was more then that but some people won’t understand unless they in that situation 

    I was given few weeks back co jacket and tops as she is big and I no longer fit in my cloths 

    I have not felt bad 

    I took stuff from my sister in law and mother in law too 

    just it’s no point buying stuff which I won’t be wearing after few weeks time 

    even bed sheets I took many from co as I will need dirty bed sheets for last weeks in case my water broke and I need to dump bed sheets 

    she will use my worn stuff or not if is her choice and if she refuse I won’t mind as some people don’t like it 

    where I won’t like the idea co and hubby used same bed room not even bed for short period of time when he could simply avoid this whole issue 

    and the point my husband having Intimte vd her or not it’s not my problem 

    but this blog is here to share things which things many husband share vd their wife and to get advice we share here I do I don’t know about rest 

    and sister Tunis before marrige meeting vd my sister in law and all relative it was not to discuss if they Intimte or not it was to see if I was entering in right thing or not 

    it was my right to do 

    and yes I was shocked after marrige for many things he hide from me 

    and if I knew some of them I would not enter in this polygamy 

    if my husband was honest with every thing why on earth I would come here and discuss things 

    my husband my co and mother in law discuss many issues which I would not want to discuss with any one other then my husband 

    some one said my husband should not go and speak to my mother in law about not intimating vd co 

    it wrong as it was not my husband it’s my co she done that 

    she is white lady and for her discussing things openly vd me or in law is not issue 

    in past my co contected me that hubby won’t intimate vd her 

    I didn’t like the way and rudely she contacted me but coz she did I got invole in this and and then speak to my husband and co and he then told me why he refuse and why he won’t 

    I was told she was might be pregnant so she can’t be if they don’t intimate 

    I do Intimte a lot and it’s not that I do it so co can’t have 

    I been told so much from co about my husband past and how he is and I do it so he won’t look around 

    when I mean around it’s not co it’s Around 

    the whole reason I got up set it was house issue which is solved Alhamdulih 

    and hubby got up set as he didn’t like I said I don’t want to move on that place where he and co made love and in that response he send me nasty msgs telling me so deep details how he intimated and all 

    he delibery rub on my face and I share vd you ladies I won’t let him touch me and I he said he will divorce me I I refuse to move in that property where he and co will live 

    it was his anger not that he is poor and he had no choice to avoid that 

    Mari 2, Tunis  and all who think I was over jelous 

    how would you feel when your husband tells you how he fucked other women all details which u can’t even watch in port video 

    will you still say ohh I been jelous ?

    ohh I forgot I accepted polygamy I should accept to hear this from my husband and let him touch me 

    and let him make me live in same bedroom 

    my mother in law got invole and she said sorry to me and that I am right if feeling sad 

    she asked me what if I have to stay in same place for year or so will I be. Ok until he gets me a batter place

    i said to her absolutely I would not have issue even to live her all my life but I would be unhappy if delibery he made me live where I won’t feel emotionally good 

    so Mari 2 this complaining wife like your co will live in one bedroom property and refuse to go in year time to 3 bedroom property 

    beveouse I choose to sleep peacefully in small space then being zoombie in big house 

    I was sooo distress last night ha vd all comments and Nearly had faint 

    thank you all for support 

    sister Jasmine may Allah give you reward only coz of you I decide to comment her 

    I won’t be commenting any more 

    no hard feelings 

  • Amina

    December 19, 2016

    As salamualaykum Sisters.

    I have a question. Right now my husband and I aren’t being intimate. He just married I’m sure he’s being intimate with his other wife.

    How do I cope with this? It’s very hard for me to know he’s off being happy with someone else and we’re not barely speaking to each other. I’m not mad that he’s with her, I’m just upset that my relationship isn’t going well.

     

    Most days I’m good, but this morning I’m really feeling like Crap!

  • Jasmina

    December 19, 2016

    Aw Ana we are friends so all good. May Allah give everyone on this blog much success in this life and the next.

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2016

    Dear Sister Saira,

    Please forgive us if we were way harsh ⚘

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2016

    It’s okay, Jasmina. I’m glad you spoke up about it. You’re absolutely correct that we all can be a bit brutal at times and tend to pounce on someone and start pounding on a person. It was good you spoke up and was very kind of you to defend her. She is going through an awful lot, especially to be pregnant. Thank you for bringing it to our attention and for not shutting down because I took a bite at you ?

  • Jasmina

    December 19, 2016

    I guess only Saira is entitled to decide if some of the things we said were offensive to her.  I have an over-sensitive EQ hence my reaction and would have felt hurt by some things if I were her but perhaps she has thick skin and took things in a lighter way. Either way generally discussions here get deep and can be brutally honest and I do love that but just this time because I saw her going down a dark hole and shutting down emotionally and with her end of trimester I felt really bad for her. I can’t speak for her about how it made her feel tho as I don’t know that. I just hope she is coping okay and is relaxing for the sake of the baby.

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2016

    Another thing to be mindful of is that some people attribute their success or pay check or a college degree to their abilities or their capabilities etc when they should attribute it to Allah. Allah gives the person that degree or that paycheck or the money that they have. I’ve often heard people talking about how they pull themselves up by their bootstraps and how they made a success of themselves etc. Those people are thinking in a way that’s not beneficial to their own Souls. Everything we have is because of Allah. Allah gives us everything that we have. We shouldn’t want to be praised for things that we haven’t done. Allah does it all.

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2016

    I want to share an ayah from the Quran that coincides with what we have veen talking about on the blog, specifically about how Allah gives us what He decides that He wants us to have and we shouldn’t want or long for what others have.

    “And in no wise covet those things in which Allah hath bestowed His gifts more freely on some of you than on others: to men is allotted what they earn, and to women what they earn: but ask Allah of His bounty. For Allah hath full knowledge of all things” Surah 4, ayah 32

    What one earns is based on their good deeds. Furthermore, a person’s good deeds must outweigh his or her bad deeds for the person to enter Paradise.

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2016

    Dear Moipone,

    I’m so happy to hear from you?. I was trying to wait until I got on the computer where I can use the happy face emoticon. But since I’ve been writing already, I’m just going continue to do the best I can on this phone.

    It’s good to know that you’re coming along fairly good with your situation. The ups and downs are common so don’t think that there’s anything unusual with that. It’s is a good thing you’re keeping yourself busy. I know you must be happy to have a break from your studies.

    Again, it’s it’s so good that you stopped in to give us holler.

    Have a happy holiday! Happy New!?

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I didn’t see any of the posts going in that direction as being an attack on Saria based on the number that she married her husband in or that she is Pakistani. It was the first time that Mari2 commented to Saria about her situation. It appeared to me that she was just making a clarification the way that we all were trying to have Saira do. Mari2’s post sounded to me that she was just trying to get understanding.

    Just because mari2 didn’t understand the first time out doesn’t mean it was a personal attack. None of us understood the first time out. In Mari2′ post, I didn’t see any reference to a second wife having been made. The fact that Mari 2 stated she is married to a Pakistani and her co is Pakistani as well was important to be noted.

    I would be the first one to come and say that we have to stop this assault on wives based on number. I didn’t see that happening. I could understand you saying, maybe we need to lighten up on our comments to Saira . That is certainly understandable, but a personal attack on her based on a number or a nationality, I didn’t see it happening.

  • Jasmina

    December 19, 2016

    That’s fine but I’m no placing judgements on her and I’m comprehending where she’s coming from where as some of the other recaps of her situation have been way off yet still judgement is passed instead of clarifying first what she means. the comments about how she married second and hence she should accept things she doesn’t want to is so wrong. 

    > fact she is second wife is IRRELEVANT

    > fact she is Pakistani is irrelevant 

    > fact she is jealous of her husband being intimate is irrelevant to her major pain she initially raised. That a whole other issue but not doesn’t feel right to pounce on that when she’s dealing with so much.

    i don’t think sometimes there are solutions we can give, just some simple understanding, a shoulder to lean on, without the judgements, she’s late in her pregnancy and copping it bad from her husband already, hello. How does it help to say things like well she is second or “Honestly Saira you remind me much of my co. So many complaints before the paycheck, or contributions of yourself”.

    Now that she clarified and I understand where she’s coming from I’m not going to add insult to injury and so I stand by my defence of her now even if my long ass post was initially in the bandwagon everyone is on, im stepping out.

     

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2016

    Wow, Jasmina

    You should go read your long @$$ previous post to Saira before you start telling everyone else to cut her some slack. Everyone is just giving her their take on the situation the same as you did. Hello…

  • tunis

    December 19, 2016

    Saira..meant to say..’BE’ clear about your needs ..

  • Jasmina

    December 19, 2016

    Mari2

    No that’s not what saira said. She isn’t moving into the co’s old home that she lived in for years.

    the issue is saira and her husband have made plans for a new house for saira due to the new baby on the way and the insecurity of her existing home. She’s made plans etc. now her husband told saira she won’t be moving for months or years because the new home is now going to the co wife. He rubbed in her face about the new house and also how it’s a poorly home, being that it was meant for saira it all upset her. I would be fuming if I had a rich ass husband who treated me like that. There is no reason why the husband cannot find another alternative solution for the co wife as she has 2 month notice to move or alternatively let saira go to one of his other properties so she can be safe and comfortable particularly since one of the tenants is leaving one of his properties. 

    The sex issue yeah I agree with everyone there, it’s clear there’s some jealousy issues around this which saira still needs to deal with but I won’t say much as every wife goes through that to some degree and to critise her like as if we are all saints here who never got jealous yeah yeah whatever. 

    Im defending her because she’s been so badly misunderstood and I think it’s due to fact she cannot explain clearly due to language barrier so cut her some slack, dang.

  • tunis

    December 19, 2016

    Dear Saira….I agree to, that I feel you have an issue concerning the ‘intimate’ relations of co and hubby.  Go back to ur first post on October 1st..when first introducing yourself on blog….you stated: “BUT I DIDN’T KNEW MUCH HOW IS THEIR RELATIONSHIP LIKE IF THEY INTIMATE OR NOT.”    Sister, this shows from b4 you agreed to marry him..this was of some kind of importance to you..???  Also a sentence b4 that one…you were inquire FROM hubby’s sister as to all about Co..?? Inquiring minds want to know?  So I think to help you see to move on ..which I really think you are stuck at…is to reflect upon what a lot of the sisters are seeing…..regarding sex with wives…  And ur ego wanting to b reassured it is not happening.  You tell us u r not thinking like that…but ur remarks  from Oct ..to me.. have expressed something else.  Now perhaps it is all in the way we all write the English..  where we get misunderstanding..I hate texting myself.   And this is why I thought u were having a problem excepting to move in property after Co move out..because of this sex issue.  And also..sorry to be such a boogar…on Dec 15 post..is where u stated hubby HAD one property…his mum told him to simply move co there..that this place was not very posh..but he felt not secure moving them there..so looked for another….but no where in that post did u infer that this property was for U or he was looking one for YOU  …(sorry if I did not read that anywhere in early post) …so this is where I bcame confused…

    .but what  I see where you got REALLY HURT..(and I ‘CAN UNDERSTAND’.)…is the FACTt that if he has these available properties that anyone of you  could have moved into..  AND u said u were willing to…that WHY he don’t move you..??    Why he POSTPONE you moving into another place..NOW… being your condition and all…NOT making you ALSO feel like a PRIORITY….?  I think maybe this is what is REALLY hurting u down deep..more than  the intimate going on’s. I would feel the same in your place sister……but he is being a jerk for some reason…and that is his problem…so be patient sister…or but clear about your needs in a good manner..are men cant read our minds…well mine sure cant.  And you thinking of the sex part makes it worse.  Dont go there…pray to Allah to guide your hubby to do the right thing..that is the best thing to do right now….stay calm..breath.. and ask Allah to give you a easy and safe delivery and a healthy baby!  You are my sister and want the best for you.!  and help u move on to a better state of mind.  Inshallah I have been..forgive me if I have not.

     

  • Moipone

    December 19, 2016

    Hi Ladies 

    How is everyone been I was busy with my exams now my work closed for the holidays. I have time on my hand. 

    Hope everyonis is well and healthy and has found the secret to a happy polygamous marriage????. 

    I am still having my ups and downs. Somedays are worse than others , I keep myself busy by focusing on my daughter and her needs. 

    Even thinking of volunteering somewhere to keep myself busy and out of my mind. 

    Happy holidays

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2016

    Marah S, thanks for the laugh. The way you worded that cracked me up. I had to re-read it. I forgot the other one supposedly thought she was pregnant.

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2016

    If she thought she was pregnant without having had sex, she’d have to be some type of looney tune. I mean, I know some husbands are known to tell a woman whom he’d like to marry second that the first one is a fruit loop, as in off her rocker, as in crazy as a bat, but is it for real? Something just doesn’t meet the eye as in something is a wry. I dunno. Wives in polygamous marriages have been known to delude themselves.

  • Marah S

    December 18, 2016

    Saira,

    I remember you saying in the past that you were shocked when you found out your husband was still having sex with his first wife. It makes no sense to me. One minute he’s says having sex with her the next minute he’s not. She even thought she was pregnant recently, why on earth would she think she was pregnant if she never has sex. Honestly it sounds like your husband is not being honest with you, or you’re not being honest with yourself. Either way what happens in  their bedroom should be between the two of them. It’s weird that your husband feels like the only way to get on your good side is by telling you he’s not sleeping with his own wife. Obviously you’ve shown him some kind of behavior that makes him feel like he needs to tell you that to make you happy.

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2016

    Sis Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You said that I had written the nice post before. I still mean everything that I said in that post. I said I could understand how you wouldn’t want to move into a home that your husband moved your co out of because it was not good enough for her. If it wasn’t good enough for her, I would say, it’s not good enough for me. It opens the door for you to feel inferior to her and for her to feel superior to you. The only way those feelings wouldn’t come into play is if the women were friends with each other or they both were believers. I said, on the other hand, it would be an upgrade for you and you should probably do as Shayah said, view it as a possible test.

    Although, I wrote the post, it doesn’t mean that I think it’s okay that your husband finds a need to comfort you in the thought that he doesn’t desire or want to have sex with his other wife. Although most women have a problem with their husbands having sex with the other wives, they don’t go to the extreme of having to be told by the husband that it’s not happening. You get upset and angry at the thought that he does have intimacy with his other wife because it appears you feel betrayed by him. In order for you to feel that way, it leads me to believe that you and he had a meeting of the minds about it -meaning you both agreed in so many words or not so many words that he wouldn’t have sex with her. You appear to want to make sure that it doesn’t happen in that you try to give it to him every day. You want to be enough for him because you mentioned that you having sex with him should make him loyal and not seek it any where else. Well, of course he should only seek it with his wives, but you said he’s known to be out there.

    I’m not the only one that interpret it from your posts. You had written something about it in a previous post and Sis ummof4 spoke up about it and said that it’s wrong for a woman to expect that her husband won’t have sex with his other wife.

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2016

    Sis Saira,

    I hope you’re feeling better.

    I also want to say that you may have misunderstood me somewhere in a post or posts of mine. I can’t say that “every” man’s nature is to have more than one woman or that he dreams of it. I know that it’s the nature of many men. I don’t know what they dream of.

    I know of men who are monogamous, and I’ve never heard anything about them having cheated or had a desire to have more than the one woman that they were with. For instance, my older sister’s husband is one man who seems to be content with one woman (my sister). She has never questioned that he was stepping out on her or wanted to, and they’ve been married over 30 years. He’s always been a laid back, homebody type person as long as they’ve been married.

    I’m sure there are many more men like him out there. Since I’m not a man and don’t sit around conversing with them in locker room talk and stuff like that I wouldn’t know.

    In an ayah in Quran, Allah mentions women along with horses and well tilled land etc as some of the things that men covet (desire or long for).

    I just know that a good number of men are known to want to have more than one woman whether married or not. I haven’t taken any surveys or anything like it to be able to give a percentage etc.

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2016

    I fixed the link .

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2016

    Sis Saira,

    Sis Concerned is correct in what she stated Concerned Post to Saira

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2016

    Concerned,

    Just want to let you know that I removed a statement (a short sentence) that was not nice that I made to Mena some time ago. It needed to be removed. I don’t want to mention specifics because there is no need to rehash it like that. I pray Allah forgives me for having said it.

  • Mari2

    December 18, 2016

    Saira,

    As a woman married to a Pakistani man, and as a wife, I am just going to tell you how I interpret your current housing situation as best that I can per your posts:

    You are the second wife.  You have a co who is aware of you.  Co lived in house A for x amount of years.  She did so because house A was the home your/ her husband provided for her.

    Your husband then purchased a nicer (I think from your posts) home for you.  Or so he claimed.  Either way, your co got wind (notice) that your/her husband bought a house for you that was better than hers.  So, your co as a first wife probably had a tete a tete meeting with her/your husband, which may or may not have involved her family in Pakistan or his.  But an agreement was reached…she pulled rank in a way and advocated for herself, and won the argument.

    Your husband offered you a fair home.  The one his first wife lived in. And in good fashion Pak style.  Its not the one you wanted, but it is the one that was well enough for her for years.   And, I am sorry, but you cannot live in a home where your/her husband were intimate?  If it is free, not a former meth lab or site of a mass murder, just be thankful.  

    Honestly Saira you remind me much of my co. So many complaints before the paycheck, or contributions of yourself

     

     

  • Amina

    December 18, 2016

    Sister Saira, I pray Allaah makes things easy for you. I think it’s extremely inappropriate for your husband to discuss his Intimate relationship with his other wife. And she shouldn’t do it either. Whatever takes place of intimacy between a husband and his wife is Private. Your husband is telling his Mom and you about private matters. I hope he stops,  as well as your Co.

     

  • Concerned

    December 18, 2016

    Saira

    Sis, I think what Ana was saying is, when your husband mentions that he had had sex with his wife you throw a tantrum and have even ask for divorce in the past. You tell him not to touch you. I dont think ana was saying you tell or demand your husband verbally not to have sex with your co but you do in your behaviour and response to the the subject. Its why he keeps telling you he doesn’t, it puts you in a good mood, you’re happy with him when he says that to you. 

  • saira

    December 18, 2016

    Sister Ana 

    mid tou re read my post I clearly said to hubby when he said he is loyal to me then I said what does me a loyal 

    I was trying to say he is loyal unless he go out of marrige and have sex with any other women I did not said to him he is unloyal to me or he not allowed to touch co 

    thay whole point you took so wrong and now sister Concern is saying wow it’s power full post 

    he is the one was telling me he does. Not intimate and if he had to he won’t touch her in that way 

    sister Ana why on earth I would discuss vd him all this and tell him how to do and how not to do when simply I was up set and trying to tell him it will hurt me in future if I got to love in same property and sleep in same bed room

    i did not pressurise him to sleep in diffrent room or not to intimate at all

    but if he choose not to its between him and co and Allah

    i would never encourage him or discourage him to have sex vd co 

    they both adult and should work out in this own it’s own 

    even when co contact me in past and complain he won’t intimate vd her she should not had asked me or tell me 

    if for some reason my husband refuse to have Intimte vd me I would never ever tell co or any one specially when I know the truth why my husband won’t do it 

    that was the another reason why I blocked co from my contact list 

    again Ana I choose to Intimte as much I want vd hubby for my own self but it’s not I force my husband or where he can’t go there and won’t have stemna to do it again

    am sure when co and hubby was young and didn’t had kids they had same relationship 

    just because I am second wife I won’t sit and think no it’s not my night I won’t have it 

    after having kids life change I won’t have envirment to do or even desire 

    so if you think by me doing every night put hubby off from co then you wrong 

    when I was not in picture there were other women in his life and he was having it out side 

    I am not saying it’s nice thing but it’s not my problem and I wound like to keep blind fold in that issue from co side 

    what if I becom like her and he refuse to have vd me then I know it will hurt me but I won’t blame any one for that 

    he is 36 year old adult and know what is right and what is wrong 

    I woudnt take blame for his action 

    if it was the case I stop him and he is so obedient then why on earth I let him even sleep vd co??

    you know your self Ana 

    and you mention few times that it’s in every man nature to be polygamis or dream for it 

    any way am not feeling well hope so Ana I see nice comment from you where u got my point and didn’t took it wrong way 

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2016

    Sis Saira,

    I apologize if I read your post wrong. I’ve got a lot going on so I’ve been trying to read and reply quickly to everyone’s posts, so I’m sure to get things twisted. I haven’t read your reply completely yet. I read a piece or two of a post, skim it and approve it.

    Sis concerned,

    I think the post is important enough to make a post/theme of it so that it doesn’t get lost among the over 11,000 comments on the blog. I’m going to remove the comment once I make the post/theme of it. Right now, I’m multitasking  and going crazy with doing a number of things at oncehttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • saira

    December 18, 2016

    Sister jasmine 

    I feel like come and hug you 

    I was so confuse and was thinking I am in wrong where every one telling me be patient and greatful I was so confuse and sad same time may be that why I cool down and said to hubby and patch up lol

    sister Arzo 

    i got what you said about I hate you 

    but should my husband not start to feel what is reality I know it’s not nice for him to face when I txt him and said I won’t move in that house where he and co lived and made love as it will eat me up 

    when I said this he should have understood what I am saying not get panic 

    they married happy or sad still there must be intimate relationship even if it’s once a while 

    Allah knows why he got so hurt vd truth

    but I am hurt you and sister and thinks I won’t let hubby intimate vd co and I haven’t accepted polygamy 

    plz I ask every one read sister jasmine post 

    she took so mucb time and she clearly understood what and why I was up set this might clear yous mind 

    in sha Allan

  • Concerned

    December 18, 2016

    Ana

    WOW, that was a very powerful comment. 

  • saira

    December 18, 2016

    Sister Ana 

    sorry you taking me completely wrong 

    I never encourage my husband not to have sex with co 

    i don’t not talk about this at all vd him 

    only thing came up with property and I told him I would not want to live in same room where they intimated 

    I never said he won’t intimate vd her 

    that’s completely between them how they do and they don’t do 

    yes I and hubby intimate a lot but it has nothing to do vd co as she can do as much she want it’s her choice 

    co went and complain to mother in law that he don’t intimate vd her and don’t touch her and she told me as well long ago and she txt me and said he won’t Intimiate vd her coz of me 

    if I was the reason he was and he is still giving each of us equal nights and it’s up to her how she make him do to him 

    what hubby told mother in law and me that he does not want to do and reason I can’t tell you it’s not nice thing to discus

    and I was up set and my mother in law told me it’s not new thing as hubby done that in past too he was not going near to co for same reason which she didn’t address 

    I don’t want to say any thing about her but for me I had previous c section and I was loosing w8 and my skin becom saggy and hubby made me go on strict diet and send me in gym 

    if you read jasmine post she got me clearly why I was up set and the whole intimate thing in that discussion but it was not that I was discouraging hubby to not have sexual vd co 

    plz do read what sister jasmine posted coz she got my whole point why I was up set 

    sister ana I don’t know why u got impression I encourage hubby not to have sex vd co 

    it is not the case 

    we in polygamy and know husband is having more then one relationship 

    in this relationship we can discuss what to do and what not to do for example am pregnant and he need to be care full specially in my condition I can’t have infection so he has to use protection vd one of us and I did told him that too 

    i been realistic when told him why I won’t move in that property 

    it not that I said to him he can move in property but not to sleep vd co 

    plz read carefully don’t take me wrong

     

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2016

    Sister Saira, As  Salaamu Alaikum,

    I just completed reading the whole  post that you wrote earlier. I find it weird that in order for you and your husband to be okay with each other, he has to tell you that he and his other wife aren’t intimate with each other.

    Note: I removed the rest of the post and made a post/theme/article of it: Husbands Who Promise Not to Have Sex

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2016

    Sis Saira,

    Things happen to us that should bring us closer to Allah. Polygamy is certainly one thing that can happen to a woman that would do it. Polygamy can either make a person (a woman) or break a person (a woman).

    I see polygamy as a wonderful purifier. It lets a woman know her strengths and her weaknesses. It may make a woman drop to her knees and implore Allah for His help, forgiveness and mercy. All in all, it’s a beautiful thing.

    I didn’t hear of the Pakistani musician, what he went through and his death. It’s quite interesting. I’m not surprised about what he went through.

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2016

    Sister Maryam, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It was very nice of you to share with us how you’re managing with your ups and down. You seem to have a good handle on things. I love when you stated from the Quran that “when you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allah”. It’s all that we can do. The outcome is Allah’s. Alhumdulliah.

    It’s important to ask Allah to help us to overcome our faults as you stated. It’s what I do, as well. It seems the more of them that I overcome, the more of them I begin to see ha, ha, You know me; I love the saying that “when Allah wants good for His servants, He exposes their faults to them.”

    I want to comment on one thing in particular that you said, you stated that a wife should know if there is money enough or not for what she wants. There are women who don’t know how much money their husbands make or have saved. A man’s money is his and a woman’s money is hers, so there is no need for them to reveal to each other how much they have. If they want to do that, it’s okay and if they don’t it’s okay. Some women manage the finances in the home and some men manage it. I used to manage our household expenses, but now my husband does all of that. However, he manages his money and I manage my money.

    Your husband must be happy with you that you don’t over spend his money. There are many wives out their that are spendthrifts LOL. I spend reasonably. In some of the urban areas Muslim women have been known to have a few black outfits and a pair of sneakers that they probably wear for years and their husbands don’t have to spend much money on them. They may think they are pious for living that way. It’s not my way, but to each his own. Whatever floats their boats.

    I think your husband was wise to tell you not to talk to people about your situation because they wouldn’t understand. He’s speaking Islamically whether he knows it or not. Allah tells us not to take those outside our ranks into our intimacy. It’s because they will lead us astray or turn us away from faith. Those who don’t understand our religion (and many Muslims don’t understand our religion) will try to discourage us from doing what is right. They impose their ignorance on us. We should be with like minded people. Your husband may not want anyone to discourage you from living in a polygamous marriage. Regardless of the reason, he’s correct if he thinks that some will try to dissuade you from it. Acceptance of polygamy isn’t easy, so why make it more difficult for yourself.

    I’m with you about telling close family and friends about your life and not hiding it. When I first became Muslim, I let my family and close friends know all about Islam and polygamy, although, I never tried to impose it on them or try to get them to accept Islam. I know Allah chooses who will be Muslim and he doesn’t need my help to bring anyone to Islam. If it’s His will to have someone accept Islam, the person will get it and there is no one who could stop it. Those who Islam is meant for will seek it out or however it comes about. Allah says He only guide those who seek guidance.

    Good talking with you, Sis Maryam. I pray Allah is well pleased with you.

  • tunis

    December 18, 2016

    Ameen !

  • Arzoo

    December 18, 2016

    Saira, i am so happyfor you! you did the right thing. Your husband was in conflict mode when you didnt participate in that anymore and told him you will accept whatever he decides that gave him a chance to relax and think clearly. Looks like he goes into panic mode when he thinks you imagining him and co being intimate. Mayne he thinks you wont like him much if you keep thinking of thise things. Thats why he tried to say hurtful things to you. Looks like you mentioning him an co being intimate is equal to saying i hate you (not actually but to him i think). So if i were you i will avoid any talk about his initimacy with co. Take are of yourself and the baby! Focus on Allah and all will be well

  • Jasmina

    December 18, 2016

    Saira

    i reread your posts too.  I am so heartbroken by what has happened to you. I feel your pain. I have been in a situation where I’m not a priority. 

    I understand all you were trying to portray now. For the sake of it here’s my take too: you and hubby made plans to move to new home and you prepared for this. Nesting and planning for new baby in the new home, the beauty of this in itself for a mother who lost her first child and is now preparing for her baby girl, it is obvious why it hurts that these plans regardless of the reason why, got changed. 

    Husband has been carrying on about his concern for you and newborn. Then other wife needs to find a home as she received notice to leave, so husband now says you have to wait as he will take other wife there. When they find a home later then you can move into your home when he has the time and money to find an alternative solution for her that won’t ruin your plans. You had already told him you were ok about it and you would let her move in your home and you can move to his other property as the tenants are leaving, which is very nice of you to do. But no, he wants u to wait and move into a home that was originally intended for u but after the co has lived there and this may take months or years.

    that isn’t even where problem arose your anger and jealousy, it was when he rubbed in your face talking about the new home he bought and how he would take other wife there and how happy his kids would be about it and everything he is going to do for the house and things he needs to buy for her, whilst saying that house is not good enough for his other wife and so will be hunting for new home in a better neighbourhood and dissing the house. He is dissing the house and neighborhood that saira was moving to saying it’s not good enough for other wife. That’s bloody painful considering he felt it was fine for saira which shows what he thinks of her. All the whilst he couldn’t give a shit about saira living in a junkie filled neighborhood in a dingy apartment. I’m heartbroken and I’m not even saira.

    he has shown her no priority or concern 

    he has dismissed his earlier concerns about you and new borns  safety which is y you call him hypocrite. 

    He hurt you end of story. You have been so blooming nice but he was a real jerk about it and put you down so badly, initially unintentionally but later intentionally. 

    This has nothing to do with you sharing or being a second wife. 2nd does mean you will never be priority or that you can only have the others scraps or that you must be humiliated. Yes what he has done is humiliating whether he did it intentionally or not. He is a thick head! 

    I think that you see now where he stands and where you currently stand in his life. Don’t feel bad about it because Allah has shown you this so that you wisen up. Smarten up. It does you no good to let it make you bitter, to change your personality, to keep things inside and to never speak up, you are not a slave. If you let this change you, then you will do yourself and your baby a wrong.  Turn to Allah, for Allah to open your eyes means you are doing something right so keep doing it and so more of it. But use this info you have now so that you can improve your situation inshallah. 

    I think you need to think what it is you want about the big things in life and the tiny things too and not change, compromise yes but do not flip flop. Be assertive with your husband. Do not argue. Do not demand. Be strategic. I think you can win his heart and respect but you need to earn it and you have to demand it in a non-demanding way if that makes sense. If I were you I would tell him in the nicest way that house was meant for you and you already made so many plans and since you are about to give birth it is in your best interest to move there but if the co wants to stay there in the guest room until she finds another home then she is welcome to stay in your home or else she can move to one of your other properties or rent out another place as they still have two months before she has to leave the current home.  U have flipped flopped about it now but I guess you can redeem yourself by saying to your husband to give you a day or to to take in everything that he has said as you want to make a mature decision about it all. Whatever you dicide just stick to it and be assertive even if you decide to stay in current home then do that but don’t cry later. You have to be true and honest with yourself about what u want and they tell your husband that.

     

  • saira

    December 18, 2016

    WA alakykum Salam 

    sister maryam 

    may Allah give u peace and happiness 

    I know life teach us so much sometime we think we can’t do this thing and never be able to bear that sort of pain but we humen are very strong when things comes to apart we do face it and try our best to over come 

    many things in life I thougt I would not able to bear but in time I did 

    at this point my whole focus is on Allah alone 

    I don’t know if someof you know 

    there was pop singer in Pakistan he somehow becom so religious and left music industry and was alwsy in news 

    he was going countries to countries preaching Islam 

    he was giving some talk and he said one story of Hazrat Aisha r.a and people become against him that he insulted our mother na aouzbillah 

    many people try to kill him and that poor man even beg for forgiveness and kept saying to people it was slip of tonge and he didn’t mean it 

    but stupid people made his life hell 

    but he did not speak a word against any one and forgive all of them 

    he was coming from one Islamic trip last week and plan got crash he was marted in that crash

    half of Pakistan went on his funeral and one of scholar had dream that prophet pbuh was giving him flowers and greeting him and prophet have him msg to tell people I have came to receive and welcome this man

    this mans life inspired me so much 

    I am feeling bad actully I got upset for material thing and this man left all luxury and devoted his life to Islam 

    man keep making dua that Allah keep my eman like this the way I feel today Ameen 

  • saira

    December 18, 2016

    Thanks you sister Ana for making dua for me 

    that’s all I need the most

    yoi are right I should not focus on any thing other then Allah 

    but we all humen we make mistakes

    i just forgot to remembering death that we do not know when our time will come and am fool thinking and planning about any thing yet we don’t know when our time comes 

     

  • Maryam

    December 18, 2016

    Assalamu alaikum

     

    I want to let you know that I’m fine.Going through ups and downs but the most of the time they are ups ;-)From myself I’m a strong woman, gone through a difficult time before in my ‘former life’ so now, with putting my trust in Allah, I will get through this phase for sure. My biggest problem is, for me, to close my mouth on time haha. Really I ask Allah many time to help me with this and I am learning. I don’t want to hurt my husband with my words and tears, he understands, he also understand that I can talk a lot ;-)   I never shout, fight or use bad words.I also strongly believe in when I’m not happy in a situation I must change this situation or live with it and making the best of this situation. I’ve done this all my life. And I am lucky that I don’t have to stay with my husband because I need (financial)support from him, I can find work and live my life,  I stay with him because I love him, he also knows this. But I will not go this road, I want to stay with him and try to make this work. But knowing I can choose this some how helps me.

    ….. Then when you have taken a decision put your trust in Allah….and that is what I do.His sisters and friends not mean to hurt me, it’s normal for them to think like this. They also think good about me, they think I’m so sweet that I can love his kids from another wife. We are not living close to each other, she will live in his city, about 7 hours from here, and (to now) we will not meet each other. He will keep his marriages separate from each other. I also like it this way.I have no hard feeling about her, until she do bad to my husband haha. No really sometimes I’m thinking about buying her a weddingpresent.About the kids, I love kids, so for sure I will love his kids. I crochet a lot, so maybe I can make them something nice, also as a kind gesture to her.I don’t know if I can see them without having her here, but maybe he can rent a flat in the city beside his city in case he has to stay a long time there, we already discussed this flatrenting, so maybe I can meet his kids then, if they have kids, this is, as I know, not so naturally, so I don’t think much about this. This is for later, for sure I will think different about this all, because it is all settled in in our lives.

    For myself it is good yes, to come closer to Allah, but also to ask more for myself, in the good way I mean. I read quickly about allowences, but I think in a healthy marriage you not have to ask for an allowence. We are adult women, we should know very well if we can ask for money, clothes or anything, (I mean we should know if there is money for this or not). And my husband knows from me that I not overspend on clothes or anything. I have to stop now, my husband is to his city to do some work on the house there so I will go for a walk and a coffee with a dear friend. To now I didn’t talk about this with anybody, I will also not talk about this with her, I like to talk about other things to get my head cleared.Also something, my husband told me not to discuss this with people who wouldn’t understand, I think because he is afraid that they will talk me out of this, afraid of loosing me (I hope haha).I told him I will tell my closest family, when I visit them, because I don’t want to lie to them about why he is to his city again. And they care so much about me that as long as I’m happy they will be okay with this. I am really blessed to have such a family and many good friends who really care about me and ofcourse so blessed with my husband.Thank you all for so much support, I hope my positive attitude can help others too.

    Jazak Allahu Khair

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2016

    Sister Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you dear sister for explaining more. Thank you for bearing with me until I actually got understanding.

    I have a feeling you are going to be okay. You have the right attitude. Don’t allow yourself to be upset . It’s important for your health and that of your little one who will be here soon.

    Only Allah knows what will happen in the future. We all plot and plan, but Allah is the best of planners. He is the Master Planner.

    You’re a very smart woman. Keep your focus on Allah and keep remembering Him for He remember those who remember Him. He tells us that we don’t know what He has in store for us for tomorrow.

    Allah may have something very good for you planned that may not even be delivered to you through your husband. Don’t limit yourself to thinking that the good will only come through him.

    Have to run now, but, Insha Allah, I will be back later to talk with you more. Don’t worry, be happy. hugs. It’s Fajr time for me now. I will make dua for you and your baby. :-)

  • saira

    December 18, 2016

    Sister ana

     sorry I am keep reading and trying to explain in best way 

    co did have emergency situation and have to move but it’s not like it was one day notice 

    since hubby wanted to get propert for them but he can not find in 2 months notice so he will rehome them for short time like 6 months or year intill he finds suitable for them 

    but with me he had got permanent property for me where I would be living for good 

    he should have rehome co in one of his other property for that time being until they get desire one and let me move in to mine one 

    both new property and the one tenant live are ready so it was not like she was in road and with no choice she got to live in my one 

    it becom like ok there is all thing done clean and ready lets go do party 

    it must be test from Allah 

    one of main thing was I was about to give birt in new home and have fresh start in that place but any way Allah didn’t choose that for me and he is the best planner 

    like sadiyah said its test for me and I should just be patient 

    now even hubby asked me to use every thing that co will use and leave for me until she get new one I will do that with the mind that Allah wants best for me in this 

    all emotions feelings pain dream all I lock in my heart 

    even if they leave stinky distbin for me to live I will be happy and thank full to Allah and will try to make that dustbin in to palace and just focus on Allah alone 

    but one thing surprise me hubby did see me smiling and he thinks life is back to normal but he cudnt see my pain in my smile 

     

  • saira

    December 18, 2016

    Aslamu alakykum 

    sister Ana thank god some one really understood my issue 

    house was picked up for me and all sudden co got notice and in emergency situation hubby have to move co as they didn’t had choice BUT hubby has another property and he gave notice to tenants and co was to move in that one till they get property in future suitable for them.

    but all sudden hubby said co to move in the house the one was bought and picked up for me 

    I then thougt I will be ok to move the property he has given notice to tenant as I did not had any problem with area is less modern and all 

    but the reason I got up set is not only I am told to still live where I am after delivery and needy time still in same place but my place co will use and I will move out once they get new one which could be year or 6 months time 

    where he could accommodate co in other property for temporary time too 

    imagine you been told u will have certain things and u plan and organised and then been told it’s been given to someone and once they have new one you can have it back

    i waiter years to have decent property and it was surprise for me what I was getting 

    i love decorating and all 

    but imagine my home where I wanted to built up my dreams someone will come and live and give me back when they get bored 

    I took every one advice on board and said to hubby day before am ok what ever he decide for me and he said he won’t live vd me any more and I said to him as I said am ok with any thing any decion and since then I was quite 

    I was sitting at home last night and hubby show up after nearly 3 days 

    he asked how I was I said Salam and that I am ok

    he then went out had his smoke and came and sat with me 

    I Remeber what sadiya said even if you right just say sorry to your husband 

    i said sorry to him and he hugged me and said he is sorry for putting me so stress giving me hard time 

    I then explain him again that I am not jelous you giving property to co I am just not happy u want me to live there after she live there until they get new home 

    I told him it’s not only bed room it’s whole a lot of things 

    and I said to him before co got notice he was so worried for me and new born and all sudden I am to live in same state 

    and I told him if me and my unborn is not so improtan and u can move in any place then why not move me in his other property where I can do my own things with my own choice 

    he agree and said he is sorry for not thinking like this and becom so arrogant 

    he said he understand what am saying but he got so up set when I said to him in txt that I don’t want to move in property where co and he lived for short time and made love in same bedroom where I got to live after her,

    he said he got so up set as why I even thought him and co even making love 

    he said I should not said that that thing made him crazy and he just wanted to hurt me as he is so loyal to me and bla bla 

    I said to him what is loyal mean he is loyal unless he go out side and cheat

    i told him I was not saying that he and co will move in that house and he will sing song for her 24/7 

    i said I was trying to tell you the reality 

    and he was keep saying you know I think of you 24/7 and would die if something happens to me and he love me and all

    he was saying all Romeo Juliet thing

    i still don’t think he got what I was saying 

    he was assuring me he and co do not intimate and if he had to he won’t touch her in a way and all

    i got fed up with his talk but I was keep smiling just so I don’t make him angry 

    I then said to him I am happy when ever where ever he move me 

    he then said he will move me but will be in nicer home where co never lived before 

    I then said I am okay with any arrangements today tomorrow 6 months time or year 

    I did not show him any rude behaviour 

    i behave normal but deep down all this issue changed my whole personality 

    how can same person start treating me like princess where few days back didn’t even bother to c if I am dead or alive 

    inside my heart I feel like I wish I could live with my father and no man can treat me like that 

    I don’t know what would I do if I didn’t had this blog to share my feelings 

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2016

    okay, Saira,

    I just re-read posts and I need a clearer understanding. Sorry. Did your husband already have a house picked out and ready for you OR did he say he would get you a house, but co got notice that she has to move, which is an emergency, so they went house hunting, found the house, but it’s not ready, so she has to move in another one temporarily?

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2016

    I agree that there is nothing wrong with having thrifty, used, vintage stuff at all.

    Furthermore, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a co’s stuff if the wives are friends and the co give it to the other who willingly and wanting it accepts it.

    It’s a whole different ball game to get a co’s hand me down stuff when they don’t even get along and there’s a competition/rivalry/wanting to be favorite wife thing going on. No can do…

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2016

    Okay, I think I got the posts to Saira right now. I had made one super long post. I then broke them down into smaller ones.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2016

    Sister Saira,

    It’s not so cut and dry, though. It’s a bit more complex because he still would be upgrading you by moving you from where you are now to the place that your co leaves.

    It could then be questioned whether you are ungrateful to Allah because, after all, it appears He would be giving you something better ( although she had occupied the place before you).

    Sometimes we have to put our pride aside and think of the bigger picture. Remember, if you make it about yourself, you’ll be unhappy and have problems. Make it about Allah and submitting to His will.

    I find that if I’m not particularly pleased about something, if I put my selfishness aside and just go with it, Allah gives me what I want or something better.

    The place to live situation could very well be a test for you, as Sadyah stated.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2016

    Sister Sara,

    You’re now left with whether you should:

    Go behind her into that place
    Stay where you are
    Go into government housing or
    He gets you another place that co hasn’t lived in.

    I think he should make his intent to get you another place.

    The real problem comes in that he moved her or will move her into property that he had gotten for you and wants you to go to the place that she has left

    You need to explain it to him like that. Let him know that it’s more than just her having lived there. It’s more than there are memories in the place.

    I initially thought that it was a jealousy, thing because I didn’t get that she had to move. I thought he decided to more her to make her and the children lives better because it was a not so nice place.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2016

    continuation from last post:

    Sister Saira,

    I understand a bit better why you are upset about it. Your husband should, if it pleases Allah, get you a place for you that she hasn’t lived in. I suppose he wants you to move there because it will be already furnished and no lease would need to be broken or anything like that.

    I kinda know how you feel because knowing me, I’d be freaking out as well. Why would I want what is known as someone’s sloppy seconds? Someone put it like this: It’s like going to the bathroom, not flushing the toilet and telling someone else to go and use it that way. If I was your co, I could see how I’d feel superior to you in that you got my left overs and I moved to someplace that’s better. I get it.

    So, you’ve told your husband how you feel and he has basically said, like it or lump it, meaning you have no choice in the matter. You go there or ????

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2016

    Okay, Sister Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I finished reading and re-read some of your posts, and I think I have a good understanding now of your situation.

    The whole matter got in motion by your co getting a notice that she has to move from the residence that she is now in. It’s necessary that she moves. It’s not a matter of her wanting to move and your husband agreed to accommodate her wishes for a nicer and better place. She had no choice in the matter, but has to leave.

    So, he will moved her into a temporary place, but will later move her into a place that was supposed to be for you. Then he wants you to move into the place that she was in temporarily. So, you think it’s unfair that he’s moving her into a place that you were supposed to get. And on top of it, you have to go live in the place that she moved from.

    I understand you being upset about it, if, in fact, he had promised that particular place to you. If it’s the case, then I think the proper thing to do would be to move you in the place that he had promised to you and just find another place for the co. If he doesn’t do that, then it is what Allah willed and if your husband has done anything wrong in it, then he will account to Allah for it.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2016

    About a wife asking her husband for money, I don’t see anything wrong with it. All he needs to do is say, no, if he doesn’t have it to give or doesn’t want to give it to her for whatever reason.

    I don’t think a woman should demand money from her husband or pressure him to give her all the material things in life that she may desire. If she’s pressuring him and stressing him out, obviously, she’s going above and beyond what she is entitled to receive from him.

    We know that in the Quran it’s mentioned that she should be treated kindly and housed, clothed and fed in a manner according to his means and as he lives. It pertains to “marriage” in general. It doesn’t matter whether the marriage is polygamous or monogamous.

    Those entering into a marriage should negotiate what she will receive and how much she will contribute, if anything. It would help her determine whether to marry him or not, as well.

    About all these “rights” that a lot of women speak of, I think those are rights to the basics: to be treated kindly and housed, clothed and fed in a manner according to his means and as he lives.

    Again, being fair and just is something we all are instructed to do in life, it doesn’t just apply to how men should treat women in polygamous marriages. BUT, orphans are special and it’s EMPHASIZED that orphans MUST be treated fairly and justly.

    It’s my take on the matter.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2016

    Sister Tunis,

    You asked about the husbands giving wives “allowances”. I think it’s all done on a case by case basis. It depends on the husband and the wife, what they agree to or what the husband can afford. It’s no different than in a monogamous marriage.

    Some husbands give their wives credit cards to go spend any way that they want to, but can’t go over the credit limit. Some wives get no money from their husbands because they have their own and don’t need him to give her spending money. If he’s polygamous, some husbands give the wives an equal amount of money to pay all the bills with or he may pay all the bills and give them extra money to spend.

    It all depends on the situation. Of course, if the wife doesn’t work and has no money of her own, she will depend on her husband to give her money. How else would she have any? Since it’s his money (in trusted in him by Allah), he determines how much he gives her. Maybe some women get government assistance because they’re claiming to be unmarried since there is no legal documentation of a a marriage (I don’t necessarily agree with it, but it is what it is. If they are doing anything wrong, they will account to Allah for it). There are a lot of variables involved.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2016

    Sister Saira,

    Again, the ladies have given you excellent advice. I really think you need to do as Concerned said and deal with the base emotions (jealousy, envy, bitterness)etc because it’s really what’s causing you the pain and is holding you back from moving forward to a good place in your life. I don’t understand why your husband is treating you as he does, but I’ve heard of it happening before when women are pregnant. Many domestic violence situations occur when the wife is pregnant and the man becomes abusive. It’s bizarre.

    About having sex, you said your co was complaining to her mother-in-law and you about him not having sex with her. Well, you just said you and he were having sex every day. It could have a lot to do with it. It’s not uncommon for one wife to have sex daily and the husband is too tired, worn out and lack energy to have any with the other wife. Sometimes the one wife makes sure she gets plenty, intentionally, so that the other one won’t. It’s a game that some women play. I’m not saying that you do it. I’m just saying that if it is as you said that he was getting it from you daily, then, well, I guess the other wasn’t getting any. It could be why he’s bragging and boasting about doing it to the other now, because she seems a little new to him and rekindled the fire, so to speak, and moving or getting ready to move into a new home helps with that.

    All that we’ve said is even more reason for the wives to mind their own business and try to stay out of the other wife and the husband’s business. There will be times when one wife may get more sex than the other. Some wives may be perfectly okay with it. Women sex drive is strong at some times and lessens at another. It’s not a competition. The husbands get worn out and tired too. Sometimes they had enough sex and just want to chill from it. Wives can’t take that type of thing personally.

  • saira

    December 17, 2016

    Sister Ana 

    my husband been telling me how he like to intimate and all and he can get any women in bed and all

    he hurt me delibery when I told him it’s not nice feeling for me to move where he and co intimates 

    then he start saying how he did vd her 

    his one of tenant gave him notice as they want to move out so he can not say he want to keep tenant in other property 

    sister conncern I didn’t ask him something so wrong and he want to move me next year then why all argument now 

    he killed my whole personally in few days 

    I do have some relitives but again my husband won’t approve me living vd them after delivery 

    he send me voice msg saying how he like women’s body and how my body turn in pregnancy 

    InshAllah I will get over vd my harmons and get batter soon 

    thank you all ladies 

    I have not verbally abuse him or any thing been silent and turn to Allah 

     

  • saira

    December 17, 2016

    Sister Tunis 

    thank you for reading my post and taking time understand situation 

    from all of his property he is landlord he can rehome me or co in any property in any time 

    rehoming was issue for him as he wanted to give me home where I do not have to walk stairs in last months of pregnancy and after birth

    he then changed his mind once he got new property and said he will move co as they needed to move he could move them in and me in any property any time 

    now he decided he will move me after year or 6 months in recently bought property as he do not want to stay in most recent property for good and they will move only for time being 

    I am still walking 3 stories and will walk until baby is almost year or 6 or 8 months 

    I did not make fuss at all 

    but my whole issue was he could have rehome me any of property where why he wants to put me in next year after co stays there 

    he showes two sides 

    one he was worried for me and new baby and wanted to home me and now all sudden he will do next year but with no choice 

    any way I gave up and agree with what ever they choose and decided and let every thing in Allahs hand 

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2016

    Sadyah, As Salaamu Alikum,

    I agree that the word “divorce” gets loosely thrown about by women in polygamous marriages. Many women are petty and they say they want a divorce just because they aren’t getting what they want, are on their menses or pregnant or are having “hormonal” issues etc. Those are women who basically make a mountain out of a mole hill. Once they calm down and get a grip, they are back to loving their husbands again and all is honky dory.

    On the other hand, there are people with serious issues that warrant a divorce. I think Saira could be one of them. Her husband is mean, and abusive to her. He says says degrading things to her. He flaunts in Saira’s face what he and his other wife are doing with each other, intentionally to hurt her (unless she’s asking him and he just replying). He knows she is pregnant and it’s a high risk pregnancy. Nonetheless, he doesn’t care.

    He is not the type of man that I would encourage any woman to stay married to. No woman has to accept a husband who says mean, vile, humiliating, degrading, derogatory things to her. Pregnant women have been known to leave that type of marriage. No woman should be encourage to stay in a marriage to be treated inhumanely. Our religion says a man is to be kind to his wives and treat them on a equal footing with him. Her husband isn’t doing that.

    About the child coming up in a broken home. What is that? I mean I know what you’re saying. As ummof4 said before, a child growing up in a home in which the parents are fighting, upset and angry with each other all the time is probably far worse than the parents divorcing and the children go to visit their parents in a healthy and wholesome environment. It happens all the time, especially in the 21st century. We have “blended” families now. It all depends on what country a person is from, as well. We need to get away from the notion of an “ideal” family. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was an orphan. He didn’t come from an “ideal” family and he is our example.

  • Concerned

    December 17, 2016

    Saira

    Its perfectly acceptable to house a wife where another wife used to live. Its not humiliating. Iv never read in Quran that a wife cannot live in a home previously occupied by another wife. Saira, seriously, you share the same man, you share his body. Their memory’s are all up in his head. Walls, beds, mattresses etc do not ‘hold’ memories. You allow him (your husband) all up in your bed, and all up in you, but have an issue with bricks and mortar. Its irrational, but I understand pregnancy can make one irrational. 

    How often a man is intimate with his wife is no ones buisiness but theirs. Dont matter if its every minute or once a year. Most women are not fond of it, and its ok to admit that. 

    Saira, we do understand you and your reasons for being upset. We cant wave a magic wand amd make everything ok, we can only give opinions and remind you to turn to Allah to help you though difficult times. Your husband doesnt seem to be changing him mind or attitude. So you need to look at your options and make the intention whats best for you and baby. Whatever you intend to do, im sure we will all help amd support you (as long as its halal) we are here for you. 

    When women come here in pain from the feelings of being in a polygamous marriage they say they feel humiliated, hurt, disrespected. We understand the feelings but we dont dwell on them, we advise how to feel better. Its what we would do in this situation. A man is to provide shelter for his wife. Thats about as far as the rule goes, nothing is said that a man cannot house a wife in the same house the other wife lived in because it will humiliate her. Its her ego, jealously and envy that she feels humiliated. Untill you deal with the base emotions you will feel this way. Your time has come to get rid of your nafs and become a better person. We’ll help you though it, in shaa Allah. 

  • ummof4

    December 17, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Saira, I am now completely confused about your living situation, so I can’t comment on it.  However, it is still important that you try to continue to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy delivery for your sake and the sake of your child.  Try not to argue too much right now.  You do not need any more verbal or emotional abuse from your husband at this point in your life.  Try to remain as calm as you can.  Do you have relatives nearby that you could maybe stay with for a little while after the birth of your baby that could help take care of you?

    You sisters are correct, a husband does not have to give a wife an allowance unless it was in the marriage contract.  My husband and I were married before we were Muslim, but decided to become Muslim at the same time, Alhamdulilah.  We never had a marriage contract.  Believe me, my allowance was just pocket change, enough to buy some candy or a good lunch or dinner out once in a while.

    Enjoy the rest of your day everyone.  Allahu Akbar!

  • saira

    December 17, 2016

    All the sisters 

    I took every one advice on board

    hubby seems unreasonable but I stop thinking any thing and decided to tell him what ever he thinks best am agree with that 

    even moving in co used place when ever he wants which will be next year 

    I said to him so he need to calm down now 

    but If he bring up any other issue I will agree and stay quite for my health sake

    i just left every thing in Allahs hand 

    if he is doing wrong he will surely pay for it on day of judgment 

    he wants to come in for his smoke or any thing it’s his life he can do it 

    already I agree to go to any one house after delivery so he can’t say I refuse this I refuse that 

    it’s mentally hard for me but I agree with any condition 

    wish I can becom little daddy’s girl and run from this horrible world

    thank you all for being here for me 

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2016

    Sis tunis,

    I thought as you did that he wanted to hold onto those other two rental properties that have tenants in them, which makes sense. Why evict paying tenants to put his wives in there when he has other good properties that they can live in?

    I, too, think that Saira is portraying herself to her husband as a “superwoman” who is willing to do without to help her husband, thinking that he would love her more for it.

    Not, all women think it’s the worse thing on the face of the earth to live in a home that her husband and his other wife had lived in. I think it depends on where the person came from as in from rags to riches or an impoverished state. A person such as that would welcome the home, regardless of who had previously lives there.

    As you said, it appears your husband’s other isn’t having a problem living in the home that you, your husband and the children had lived in. It’s not the worse thing that could ever have happened to a woman.

  • tunis

    December 17, 2016

    Saira

    I am sure u r feeling like u are going insane…I know that feeling too..,..but we must stop and try to see things clearly..  because things are not always as we see them…..and u thinking  no one understands..especially hubby..he is hurtful in his use of words to u.

    But now I would like to outline my understanding of what I see thru ur writings..if u bare with me.

    Property in South .A. and West.A.

    East.A you live in FLAT

    New Property in NORTH

    OK..hubby MUST move co n family to a property bcoz of  ‘ notice to vacate’  

    Moves (or will) them to NORTH

    You agreed

    Strategy perhaps? :

    He is unable to evict Renters in S.A. and W.A.   fast enough for you to move in  in time.  OR

    Faster to buy another property for Co n family..THEN he will move you  into North home.   Instead of having to move you to a S.A. or W.A. property to just having to move you again to NORTH.?   Where as moving you directly from FLAT to NORTH is better.

    Perhaps..he needs to keep S.A and W.A as rentals.

    this my take on this

    You r also giving mixed messages to ur hubby..it seems to me from how u talk to him..based on what u posted….u r not  being really truthful then about what u need…u say u shut ur mouth, still support them..and say ur OK and can manage after birth in same area.  Basically u r telling him u r strong and what u are able to manage…if that is not true…u should have told him ur fears and worries sister.  Not show him ur superwoman all the time.

     

     

  • saira

    December 17, 2016

    Arzoo 

    accepting polygamy mean I have to accept to sleep in same bed co and hubby used ?

    if it’s the case he is poor and I have no choice it’s fine but does it mean I have to do ?

    where it says in Islam to house your wife’s forcefully in the house his other wife lived ?

    if he does not have any other house I would still understand but he has house then why make me live there ?

    even I agreeing and said will c when time comes and he just refuse to let go and want to make deal that I move there once they move out?

    does polygamy allow this type of

    humiliation ?

    He and co hardly intimate co and I use to share birth control pills and she complain to mother in law he does not intimate with her 

    she is very open about this and in past many times txt me and abuse me for him not having intimate vd her

    where I use to do every day with hubby 

    but either he does or does not it’s not issue at all 

    having ego is not bad thing 

    if I am taking house from co then you can say I am bad and doing wrong 

    I let her have house which was bought in intention for me 

    I happily said she can live as am not paying for it 

    does it gives man a authority to humiliate wife’s feeling ?

  • saira

    December 17, 2016

    Sister Ana 

    i get what you saying about envoy and jelousy 

    I do know it’s the case as well 

    but house where I am right now it was never my idea to move out or never my demand to get me in diffrent house at all 

    it was all hubby concern that I need batter place 

    2months ago all sudden co got notice to move out and they needed house to move so house hunt becom problem and hubby got house for co 

    i am not sad and jelous thst co is getting house at all

    rhey not in street at all its hubby wish to get batter property for co as if he wanted he could let co live in any of older properties he got

    bit he choose to buy new one which is not issue for me at all 

    and after delivery I been told I will have to live vd mother in law I have no choice about that either but I can not live here for months and months 

    problem is my husband he wanted to make me move on batter property and now telling me to live he get more batter propert and will move me where he and co will move now 

    my point is if he wants me to move today , tomorrow, 6 months time or when ever then move me in property where he and co didn’t live 

    I have no problem with small property big and flat or any thing 

    I am only saying why he is keen to make me love where he and co lived 

    now our marrige is that point it becom his ego to make me live in the house where co and he lived and he wants I use same bedroom as they used 

    I just think he is on drugs where he can’t see what is wrong vd his thick head 

    two days he only want to come in for his joint and I said he is not welcome for joint but his house welcome any time as a normal person 

    I been making dua and prying to Allah and crying for his mercy 

    seems like dream very sensible thing my husband is not getting in his mind 

    its been 3 days he didn’t bother to show up 

    even this matter I just discuss once and when he told me I got no choice I said will c when time comes still he is making issue when I am agreeing for every thing like I said will c when time comes he should just forget time being and be normal but he brings non sense and say he don’t want show up again 

    I complete tired and sick now 

    just making dua and saying to Allah to help me get out of this marrige 

     

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2016

    Arzoo, I have been thinking of you, but couldn’t for the life of me remember your username

  • Arzoo

    December 17, 2016

    Saira, just wuickly read your comments. You as a second wife chose to marry a married man but loos like you did not accept polygyny. You share the same man and dont want to move in a house used by co. I dont want to talk indecdntly here but think about it dear. Looks like Ana hit the nail on head when she pointed out that you also initially thought he is not having sex with her anymore. Looks like you never acepted polygamy and your issue seems more like ego issue. 

  • Sadyah

    December 17, 2016

    Assalam o alaikum

    sister saira,

    I have two things to say,

    1. Don’t make the word ‘ divorce’ so common between you and your husband.You are not alone who is attached with your husband now,here will be a little angel as well insha Allah.You should think about her before taking decision as you are her mother not him.w whether you need a husband or not,she needs his father.she would cope up with the feelings that why are you his partner officially but she won’t cope up with feelings that she would belong to a broken family.

     

    2.Always forgive your husband quickly whenever he says sorry .don’t let him show you his worse face .don’t challenge him by not accepting his apologies even it’s hard to forgive.

    Sister, the test is for you,you know all the circumstances.you know how to clear this with good marks.no one can understand your emotions including me. I think you should ask your husband to give you time till the child birth and then you will take decision what you want.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2016

    Sis Saira,

    It really appears to be envy and jealousy that you’re feeling and need to deal with right now. You’re envious of the things that your co wife is getting and jealous of the way your husband is treating her right now. Envy is about a person being unhappy about what another person has or is getting. Envy can destroy a person. It can eat away at you. I read that Envy is as fire is to Wood. It’s not a healthy thing to feel.

    You need to recognize what is happening with you and be honest with yourself. At one time you were very content in the home that you live in . Now you’re depicting it as the worst possible place that anyone on the face of the Earth could live in.

    When did the home begin being problematic for you ? Was it when you found out that she’s getting a new home?

    I understand that walking up 2 flights of stairs while being pregnant is a problem, but remember your husband offered to have you go stay with his mother and family after the baby is born. Maybe you should go stay there right now so that you don’t have to go up those stairs. You have to make compromises. Everything can’t be the way that you want it to be all the time

    You need to turn to a Allah for help and guidance

  • saira

    December 17, 2016

    Sister Ana 

    i agree with you he think I am pregnant and I can’t go any where and I just have to rely on him 

    two weeks back he came and rubbing his head and telling me co kicked him out of house and called him idiot when he was hunting house for her

    i told him I don’t belive him that she said all and he not said a word to him I did not took his side or her side 

    then I told him your post where u mention men do say bad thing about one wife to other in order to get attention and please them 

    he was not happy what I was telling him 

    I told him it’s not fair he play with out emotions to get attention 

    he then said he is worried for house and all

    i told him people live in refugee camp and they don’t have even water to drink he then calm down 

    I told him he can sort co and kids get them move and relax from my side 

    as I am happy where I am and in future when Allah wills he has ability he can get me house too 

    he was so happy and said he is proud of me 

    I did not just said all to make him happy I said it vd my heart 

    but soon he got new property he changed in to diffrent person completely 

    I felt so bad where he was writing about money and all and I came and he hide the papers 

    that thing hurt me the most 

    he hide the actual price of house which I can see from Internet It was first time ever since we marrige I confronted him openly about his unfairness only when he was talking so bad 

    he said in past he will make will and co and I can not have any thing in our name and he got half property in her name and I said not now but in future I will want some thing on my name too 

    all of his behaviour changed from there

    and he never seen me after that

    he said he was not fair vd co 

    and I said to him God knows which way u talking I get less money I get no fix allowance I live in small house 

    and we share equal nights then where is unfairness 

    I said all this not to make him give me all what co have but to show him reality 

    it shows he has ability to provide but he does not want to give me 

    he is playing with my emotion delibery 

    he becom so stingy towards me 

  • Concerned

    December 17, 2016

    Saira

    Ok, so hes working on a ‘need’ basis. Your co will be out on the streets if he dont move her to the house he intended to buy for you. But your main issue is having to live in a house that you husband and co made love in. Im confused over how many property’s he has and which ones are available. 

    You can be angry and upset about it all day long but thats what he offering. There’s not much you can do, except divorce and get a government house and benefits to support you and the baby. 

    Anas post is absolutely correct. Your husband is verbally and emotionally abusive to you. He also is a drug user which explains his angry outbursts and short temper. The house you live in is really not the problem here, your husband is. Your co seems to know this and makes sure she takes from him financially rather than emotionally. You, on the other hand took from him emotionally and forfeited the financial aspects. It should be a red flag for any woman if a man is talking smack about one of his wives. Its only a matter of time before he turns on you. As ana, quite rightly said, you need to focus on weather you want to remain married to this type of man rather than what house hes going to put you in. 

    Im so sorry your going though this. You need to turn to Allah and ask for Him to guide you to the best path for you amd your baby. 

    When I said you was acting ungrateful it was because you would turn down a nice home JUST because your co lived there. Saira, some people have no home at all. 

  • saira

    December 17, 2016

    Sister concern and sister Tunis 

    i did not explain properly and seems every body is confuse ?

    I will try to write in best way to explain if I can 

    I am using false name of area to explain if I can 

    my husband has one property in South And one in West And one In East where I live now

    and recenlty he bought one propert in North 

    co and hubby was living in rented property in batter area and all the other properties were on rent and I was living in one bed property in east happily 

    hubby been told from family to move me in batter property or put me in any of his other properties where I have batter place to live in 

    he was searing for properties so near delivery time I will move there so I don’t have to walk 3 storeys vd Young baby

    8 weeks ago co receive letter from landlord that they need to move out 

    and hubby was already thinking of buying property for me

    me and other family members have him idea to move co in property in SOUTH or WEST and move me as well in SOUTH or WEST

    it did seems sensible to me as well and I said I have no problem co can choose any one I would not mind to move again in flat in ground floor where she can take one of property with garden etc as one property is flag and one home 

    I have not put any pressure on him at all for moving out or not 

    he then said he wants to look for property again and I supported him 

    we done so much paper work and he got one more propert in NORTH 

    is that make sense ?

    he said this property is batter as its not attached and had more space and he wants to move co in this one and I agree with it and supported him they start preparing and every one helping them to move in NORTH

    now all sudden he is telling me he and co decided they will not move me in SOUTH or WEST and I should stay where I am until they find more batter property for them self and they will move me in NORTH

    and my point is to him why he so keen to move me in north where if he worry for new born and for me which he isn’t as in years or 6 months time it won’t be new born 

    why can’t he move me south or west why I have to live when co will live and move out from north?

    i find this supper humiliating

    sisyer Tunis it’s not just bed I gave you example for bed 

    what if your husband had choice to put your co in any of his other propert but he delberly wants to put your co in property where u and him lived ?

    what if tomorrow co didn’t like other property too and hubby will move me out and put me where he wants and put co in 

    I agree to live in ground floor I agree to live in one bedroom 

    i agree to live in second hand furniture 

    problem is not I am greatful or ungrestful problem is they both playing vd my emotions 

    I even shut my mouth and still support them and said am ok and I can manage after birth in same area 

    it’s not within day it turn nasty area it was same area I been living two years 

    whole point was to move me out for my and baby Heath being but suddenly it’s not priority and I am still in same block 

    but I got told to live where they order 

    accommodation is not huge issue in this country at all but why I am forced to do something which isn’t mentally possible for me 

    hope sister concern you got what am trying to say but plz do advice me 

    i want to know 

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2016

    I just approved a couple of comments under mine. Please don’t miss them. I publish mine and then the other two appeared below.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2016

    Sister Saira, AsSalaamu

    All of the sisters here have given you very good advice and made very good points about your situation. I think there’s more going on here with you than meets the eyes, as well.

    All along, you were telling us that you were the favorite wife and that your husband complained about the other a lot. Supposedly he complained that she was fat, where as you are thin and she is a nasty housekeeper whereas you are clean. Furthermore, you thought he wasn’t having sex with her.

    Now, you’re finding out that he is treating her as the favorite wife, which is rubbing you the wrong way. You comparing yourself to your co wife is not a good thing. It can bring no happiness to you .

    You are finding that not only has he provided a better home for her than the good one that she already had, but he is abusive on top of all that. He’s hurting you by telling you that he’s intimate with her and all the things that he’s doing for her.

    You certainly can’t be feeling like the favorite wife now with all of this going on, and he is rubbing it in your face.

    It’s very sad that it is happening. Especially as I said before, he’s doing it while you are in a delicate state. You are pregnant. Of all times he is totally being abusive. He’s wrong to do it. He knows that you are not going anywhere because you are pregnant. At least he thinks that way.

    You are seeing with your own eyes, up-close-and-personal, what type of man you are married to. Allah tells us in the Holy Quran that what rolls off a person’s tongue, what is in his heart is far worse.

    Your husband has said some terrible, terrible things to you, very hurtful things to you. You are his wife and he’s treating very badly.

    You need to see him for what he is, what he thinks and how he feels about you. You have to determine if you want to intend to stay married to a person like that or move on in your life. I know you said he has helped you a lot and you’ve had a very difficult life, but it’s no reason for you to tolerate that type of treatment from someone who says he is your husband, someone who is supposed to love, protect and take care of you.

  • tunis

    December 17, 2016

    Sister Concerned….thank you too sister for your critical and insightful and often humorous commentary on us sisters here.  I really enjoy and benefit from this blog.  I have not even been a month into living polygamous..but have become well prepared ahead of time from discovering this blog 1 1/2 years  ago. May Allah continue to inspire Ana  to inspire others .

    To you beautiful ladies May Allah keep you all awesomely inspiring !!

  • saira

    December 17, 2016

    Sister concert 

     1:: my husband is not moving me in new house he bought for me right now when actully I would need in this time 

    2: he and co had to shift and the house he actully bought vd intention to move me in as my condition not good and area becom more bad 

    3: but during house hunt he got notice for co to move out so actully the property he was offering me in past he bought and now co will move in and I will still live in this bad area where he was worried for my safety and worried how will I cope going up and down vd Young baby 

    I am still in same area and property been bought but as he needed to move co and kids he preface them to move there in property he bought for me when actully I would need help 

    he has other property as well same time 

    I am not being ungreatfull here 

    i am hurt and disgust with his behaviour 

    I am more then willing to move any of his property as yet co didn’t move out from rented home 

    he got one old and one new property one in slightly rough area and one new one which he bought for me in bit calm area 

    I have no problem moving in any of that but my husband insist I will move in new periphery after co live there may be 6 months or year 

    sister concern I am not being ungrestful here 

    lived in bad area for almost 2 year and still will live vd Young baby for the time being he get more good propert for co

    dont you think it’s humiliating or u still think am ungrestful 

    if he is being caring toward me would it not nice for him to move me out even in bit rough area but in ground floor right now when I needed 

    he is telling me be patient and let’s co live there and he will move me out when co and him find more batter property 

    where is in all this my and baby wellbeing ?

    i am not saying to him to move me at all and if he wants to move me why not move me in any property I would go and live blindly but why I have to go and live in place after he and co lived ?

    and when me and baby healed?

    I still don’t know why no one get what am saying 

    sister concern plz re read my post and plz tell me where I am wrong coz am going insane 

    and don’t know what I do and where am wrong 

  • tunis

    December 17, 2016

    Dear Saira….no one is denying what you are going thru….we are all trying to understand…and help you. 

    But yes there is somethings still not clear..to me anyway.?  so now I think I understand that hubby was planning on purchasing another home…which u thought was for u to move in?  then he decided to put co in there temp…later to move her elsewhere?  then later he will put you in there?  So  there is  NO OTHER property he owned…that mum wanted him to put co in…but he declined..but suggested u move there?  sorry if I have misunderstood what u tried to explain…I want to help ..inshallah…but things sound conflicting to me..not sure anyone else reads the same..

    So if as I understand now..as stated at top of my post….u r refusing to move into that home because of a BED…..just get a new bed or mattress…..I am not trying to be a cold hearted B*#ch here….and I am really concerned u r panicking..u remind me of my daughter.    Our husbands r the ones to provide a home for his wife…unless she contributes financially to it..then she may have a say..is how I see it anyway……so if my husband decides he wants me to move here ….based on ur feelings of the idea..after consulting with hubby….his would still be the final say here as where he wants to put his wife.  I think u are stressing urself out unnecessarily….I mean..if dwelling on idea of this wife in that house b4 you..bothers you…how can anyone go to hotels and sleep in THOSE beds..hhmm yuk.hmm..it is gross..yes when u think about it..they dont steam beds each time..just change the sheets.  But u can change the room and complete bed set if possible.  I think u r hung up on this thought.  Look at me…house I was in for 17 yrs..last child born and raised in that house..many memories..but hubby decides to put 2nd wife in one of HIS houses….IDK if she is like u…maybe she wont stay either..I have not heard anything one way or the other….but what about me..when I return to that house…he showed me pics of some furniture pieces he bought..they will use them..even bed set…I would either change bedset or mattress..maybe pic another room..IDK..hubby is building on top as I said..maybe he offers me choice up or down..or maybe he say she go up to new one ..I stay down to remodeled one….IDK if she contribute to this new property…I m not noisy to ask….if hubby provides me with something that would b better than my current situation ..I would take it….you dont know down the road if he puts u in even something better.  U r hung up on this sex thing..is how I see it…ladies am I bad for thinking like this….I am jealous too..and not bcoz I am older..oh I dont feel or desire the same as a young thing…..DO YOU KNOW ME ??   My point is …ur husband is trying to work it out the best he can…dont think he wants divorce..might b a scare tactic…to wake u up…oh yeah..men can be insensitive…they just dont know how to say it right…so we wives r guilty of lousy behavior too……I am rambling on here…but u are panicking….no need to.. just take that other home….IF it is really BETTER than where u are at….if u are aiming at being or showing him how pious u are..well this may be ur chance.   Forgive me sisters..if I have said anything out of place…or in correct in my thinking…Im typing fast my thoughts.  But I m really worried about Saira’s state of mind and health.  Stop dwelling on all this..let hubby take the lead..cause u r making urself sick..Please..ur r gonna be alright Saira…somethings just arent that important.

  • Concerned

    December 17, 2016

    Saira

    If moving into the home your co once lived in is the main issue then ur gonna have to get over it or stay where you are. You would rather live in a crap area in a crap flat and walk 3 flights of stairs with a baby than have a home after your co. I dont mean to be funny but you married a married man. She had him, his money and his children before you. You had all of these things after her and had no problem doing so. But now you want to kick up a fuss because hes providing you with a 3 bed house, front and back garden and im sure he will pay to have it redecorated and refunished for you. It sounds awfully ungrateful and slightly hypocritical. And if you look at it,your moaning that you dint get the same as her but here he is offering you EXACT same thing as her and you dont want it. If you feel that strongly about it then you need to sort your own housing out. Thats what hes offering, take it or leave it. Hes not obligated to give you anything more. Sorry, sister, but your gonna have to change your mind set on this one or suffer the consequences. 

     

  • Amina

    December 17, 2016

    Marah Sister, 

    I do believe taking the husbands s last name is from Western Culture. In Islaam you keep the name of your Father. My children have their Fathers last name. 

    Sis Sarah, I pray Allaah grants you ease ameen. I understand how you feel, and would be very hurt by what your husband is doing. 

    I think the main point is that we want you to be in a good state especially during pregnancy. And if your husband is behaving in a manner that you dislike. It’s best for you to either be Patient or Divorce. If their’s no other solution in getting what you need from him. Getting Divorced right now would seem very difficult being that your about to give birth.

    It would be extremely difficult for me to stay where my Co and husband slept. I wish their was a way for him to understand how that feels. But it seems he’s made a decision for you. So try to be Patient upon this Trail. It’s way easier said then done,  but what are your other options? Allaah said seek help with Patience and Prayer. And Allah said in Surah Inshirah Verily with hardship their is Ease,  Verily with hardship their is Ease. 

  • Marah S

    December 17, 2016

    Saira,

    I understand what you’re saying, you’re upset about several things at once. The main things that I caught on to.

    1) You don’t want to move into your co-wife’s old house

    2) You feel insulted that he thinks that area is not good enough for your co-wife but it’s good enough for you

    3) You live in a bad area where you have to walk up several flights of stairs to get to your flat.

    4) Your co-wife has a car and you have to take public transportation. 

    5) He buys new things for your co-wife like new dishes but he doesn’t pay attention to what you need in the house

    6) he speaks to you in a very rude and abusive way.

    I think the advice everyone gave you is appropriate, a lot of the things you mentioned are comparisons between what you have and what your co-wife has.

    Not wanting to move into your co-wifes old house is understandable. But maybe you can compromise. How about if he buys new furniture and renovates the place a little to make it fresh for you. Would you still not want that? If your area is really that bad it may be a better temporary solution until he can get you a new home as well.

  • saira

    December 17, 2016

    Sister marsh S

    i don’t thing any one understand 

    my whole point where every one says I should focus on what I got and not think what co got 

    I have open up in front of my husband in calm way 4 days ago that I do not want to move out and live where co will stay for time being and after I move there 

    I told him I can not simply never be eble to live there and sleep in same bed where they Slpet 

     am refusing to go to 3 bedroom property and just want to stay where I am and. I told him he can rent that house and get palace for his co I don’t care I simply can not move there after she leaves 

    in my eyes that house is here when she will move so why play vd my emotions 

    mots not today I see all this diffrent in my living standard and co it’s from Begening and its obvious to other family too 

    the area I am now its so dodgy and bad I been bullied many times and all my neighbours are pure junkie and drug users 

    and I been living almost 2 years now without asking him to get me house or any thing

    how will you feel if your husband get you new bed and say let me and co use this for sometime and then we will give you 

    I am second but do I have to use things when compared use first and return and I use after wards

    if my husband does not had money or other property I would adjust but why he has to let co use and then provide me same one 

    i am concern about my wellbeing and if he wants to move me then my point is move me now and let co move temperary in other if his property and l8r on shift from there to queens palace I won’t care but 

    he is not giving me option saying either I agree to move after he and co live there time being or get divorce 

    am weeks away from giving birt and been given ultimate 

    i choose divorce 

     

  • Marah S

    December 17, 2016

    Question for everyone,

    I always thought that the wife should not take her husbands last name because the Quran says offspring should always be attributed to their own father. I always thought women taking their husbands name was a western cultural thing. Is this a misconception?

    Like concerned mentioned I kept my fathers last name once married and our children have their fathers last name.  

  • Marah S

    December 17, 2016

    Saira,

    im so sorry you’re going through all of this right now. I can only imagine how hard it is for you right now. I think you should stop thinking so much about what your co-wife has and you don’t have. You say you don’t care but it’s clear that you really do, and it’s causing you jealousy and making you fight with your husband.

    You have to remember everything is from Allah. Your husband is only doing what Allah wrote for him to do. If your husband doesn’t move you into a posh area the same as his other wife than that is because Allah has not written that for you. You should try to be grateful for what you have right now. Instead of turning to anger against your husband just be honest with him about what you want and then make dua that Allah provide you with more and provide you with a better home. Allah is the one who provides, your husband is only playing his part, he can only do what Allah has allowed him to do. 

     

  • Marah S

    December 17, 2016

    Tunis and Concerned,

    I dont get allowance either, I also don’t work currently. If I need anything I ask for it, I’ve never had my husband tell me no when I asked for something so it’s not an issue. I worked for a time and really enjoyed being able to give sadaqa with my own money. But I don’t think it’s necessary to ask for allowance, different things work for different couples.

     

     

  • saira

    December 17, 2016

    Sister concern 

    Ofcourse I am jelous as well and same time Hert

    kids not toddlers and woudnt do that much mess you describe they almost 10 and 8

    the reason I mention him getting new dinner set for co is to show how he knows tiny details of house what’s it’s need not that he is getting and am jelous 

    as you said he thinks it’s his house and for me it’s mine and that’s the problem 

    all he says co don’t care about any thing and he is the one has to worry from toilet roll to food on dinner table 

    he just thinks I am all organised and never need to get any thing and when something is missing he said why didn’t I told him 

    when he knows I am house bond and don’t go out alone 

    I was all day out for Hospiatl and then he pick me and took me with him and we came home around late 8 in eveing and he made fun that I am not cooking 

    theses kind of things am pissed off he would understand co is busy and cudnt cook but he thinks I don’t have excuse 

    from head to toe I been doing every thing and did not moan in his face at all 

    I just rather write here and then speak to wall 

    How could I tell him I am in pain and he need to help me when he was vd me and doctor told him I should rest ?

    doni still need to tell him I didn’t cook bcoz I am not well ?

    i don’t know about any other women but for me it’s is no no to live where he will put co for temporary time and then move out and let me move in that house 

    for me it’s just torture 

    i been making dua and so worried in this hard time seen him how he hypocrite 

    I rather get divorce as he said then do something which is not in my control

    he txt me last night he won’t come and we should think about figure what we need to do I said ok fine and he told me to move out from his house completely and go back to my apartment which is given by government 

    I said let me stay till birth as I am not up to shifting and he said make sure I use this house as a blessing as he is not asking me for rent 

    there is something else in his mind it’s not the issue I am discussing here 

    only he knows even sensible person will think ok fine we will talk about moving and all when time comes let this women have rest in this pregnancy but instead he txt late eveing from past three days and say he will only come for smoke and leave 

    I told him this is not bAr you would come have your weed and go and he is not welcome like that 

    he then said this is reason why he wants me go back in my house and leave him completely so he can come in apartment and have his fun 

    you say be calm with him how can you be when after every eveing I only get txt from whole day and get told he won’t come and it will only be quick visit for his smoke 

    at this point I just want him not to stress me out even if he won’t come but he does that 

    and in the end he says am behaving as if I am having boy ?

     

  • tunis

    December 17, 2016

    Sister Amina…thank you..ah yes…so true…it could be stipulated within the marriage contract…..an allowance ….according to the husband’s means..I suppose….and anything else they may agree upon. 

    Subhannallah Amina…things happen for a reason ….ur husband remarrying at this time…may jump start the awareness in him that he needs to move you to a better place….bcoz it was brought to his attention how u feel..being upset and all…. Allahs way of showing him what u need too….And what u said about Allah…is true !

  • Concerned

    December 17, 2016

    Saira

    Your husband new co need a dinner ser because the kids broke every single plate, cup and bowel. They (kids) are also najas machines lol. You will even catch their vomit to save soft furnishings (you dont want to scrub vomit out of ones carpet or sofa). Life as a mother is soooo much fun NOT. They are very cute and funny though, its not ALL bad.

  • Concerned

    December 17, 2016

    Saira

    Also, I wouldn’t put so much emphasis on your co home and children. Kids basically destroy everything from the moment they are conceived a womans health, sleep and body is all out of whack before their even born. They ruin furnishings, electrical items ypurs and their clothes and just about everything they put thier tiny hands on. When my son was 2 years old he grabbed a potato masher off the kitchen side  and ran, he hit the tv with it. £600 worth of damage in 10 seconds. Even just banging cutlery on tje dinner table results in indentations. I refused to buy nice things untill they were older. Now, a child stays clean for about an hour after you’ve got them dressed, give them food or take them to the park or do arts and crafts and your child looks like you never even tried. If you dont CONSTANTLY clean up after them ones home looks like a bomb has hit it. This is especially so if you have more than one child. Its a struggle. 

  • Concerned

    December 17, 2016

    Sister tunis

    Dont worry sis, I dont get an ‘allowance’ either. If I want something I ask. But I also work, so I have my own money aswell. I heard it was not good to constantly ask from ones husband when you a woman dont need anything and the basic needs are being provided. I dont look (anymore) at what my husband provided for my co, its between them. Im good and thats all that matters. 

    Saira.

    Sis, you are showing high levels of jealously and envy towards your co and husband. I can certainly understand that you would be upset but it sounds to me that you dont tell your husband want you need from him. You either want him to guess (men are NOT good at guessing) or you moan about what he hasnt done and then say you dont want it anyway. A wife has to be direct in speech, you have to say you are sick and need him to stay with you for comfort or to bring food/water etc. I think your giving him to option to improve and just moan about previous situations. If he has a short temper its best you let the past go and let him know what he can do NOW, without exploding on him. 

    Me and my co are both Islamically legal wives. None of us is married, by the law of the land that we live. We are completely equal. Its the way it should be. None of us put anything in our marriage contracts because what Allah allowed in every marriage is good enough for us. Our children have thier fathers last name and we both have our fathers last name. Even if we (my husband and I) marry under uk law, I wouldn’t change my last name. 

    Im thinking your husband sees your cos home as HIS home and your home as your home. Most polygamous men only see themselves as having one home and they provide a home for the other wife. Although he spends half hos nights their, it still HER home and he only stays their as the schedule dictates. Think if it were you, would you say you ‘live’ in two houses or would you say you live one place and stay at another sometimes. You could talk to him about it, but from what iv known most polygamous men see it this way. 

  • saira

    December 16, 2016

    Sister Tunis 

    his sister and mother did offer but there won’t be any mental or physcial rest for me

    his sister got 4 kids and his house is big but has many stairs to go to toilet and in this stage of pregnancy am sure you know how badly and how often you. Need rest room 

    his mother offer also and yet problem is she got small room and will be sharing her bed and her bed is attached to wall and I will have to sleep on right side and my whole rite side got hurt plus many people in that house and again going to rest room is issue and his mother hurt her back too

    he does know all this and he agree it’s not comfortable but he like to keep blind fold in his eyes

    hubby bought new property last week 

    the reason he was on rented property was as he loved the area and was too expensive to buy so he rented house in that area 

    his landlord gave him notice and that’s why he had to make arrangement for co and kids 

    he was planning to move one of his other properties but then he began to search for batter one so he bought new property and will move vd co in months time in sha Allah

    before he got notice from land lord for co rented house he was looking for property for my self and Allah choose something else

    now that he got this property nothing wrong vd area or any thing 

    it’s just it’s not very posh from out side like you see very fairy tail surrounding vd park and nice tree around and posh houses 

    it’s 3 bed room and has front and back garden too 

    he was moving co in one of his other periphery which he put in rent but he said co said once she move there she will not move out after year or 6 months when hubby manage to get nicer property

    she did gave him pressure and hint that he need to get nicer house or else she won’t move from bad area once she start living 

    so actully hubby got property thinking i will live there for good but let co move there for time being until they found new one 

    it won’t be good for me as j travel in public transport and had to walk a lot for busses 

    so hubby is keeping me in flat until I deliver baby 

    he said property is good but he would like to have posh area for his cars and kids play out side freely so I have to thank what ever he gave me 

    such a hypocrate man he is 

    I just start hating him so much 

    he is thinking he won’t show up and I would die 

    he is so much in to his cars and all and only worried for cars 

    I just make dua that Allah take me away from this marrige 

    I can not describe how badly I started to hate him 

    don’t know what is going on in his mind 

    he txt me and ask some stupid thing

    and I Remeber when me and co use to be ok I told her once I had sooshi on my birthday and it was my chines friend and she got for me I hated sushi but I ate and told her I loved it and she order more raw fish and I had to eat and I was so sick and she told him that in past I went out with my boy friend and had sushi in my birthday 

    I been crying to Allah and I compiled to Allah that this is not true what she told him and made him apart from me but in the end if he hear things and blame on me what type of man he is 

    Allah will surely see all this and he is the one who will give me justic 

     

  • tunis

    December 16, 2016

    Saira

    I am alittle confused about the housing situation..from ur writings, if I recall correctly..u said ur hubby is moving co and kids from a rental to a new property he will buy or has bought…and also  that his mother suggested he move them to his property he OWNS somewhere else…correct so far ? .but hubby feels it is not secure or safe for her and kids(or CARS) to live there.  Did he use these words..not secure and safe?

    But then goes on to offer you to move into that house he owns. 

    Has co and kids previously lived in that house?  Because u r making it sound like they lived in there and that is the reason you choose not to live in there.  OR is it the fact that if its not good enough for them ..then why you go live there.? perhaps he sees you as a stronger woman in some way..and maybe the other is giving him hell..maybe this is her test….her new place may not be a blessing for her..but this place that your hubby is offering you could be  ..because it sounds better than what u have now..IDK..?

    Did he not also offer you and want you to stay at his sisters or mothers to help you…go and let them take care of you.   If u r really in need of help then u need to be at his mothers or sisters.  My daughter in country where my hubby is…has been complaining how she so tired with 2 kids alone…back n forth to work..walking  buses taxis back n forth..pic up kids from daycare late..go home cook..tired   falling sick  passing out..many many times..diagnosed with thyroid problems or stress(u should have your thyroid checked too)doctor say…prescribe medicene..but she dont follow thru on her health..we have been after her…but she only complain…when we offer solutions she say….no u dont understand…sometimes we r our own worst enemies….r we trying to make certain people feel sorry for us….??

  • saira

    December 16, 2016

    Sister Amina 

    thanks you for kind words

    i know what u mean women can put any condition in her marrige contract and it’s up to husband to accept condition or ask to have option in condition 

    for example if women says he can not take another wife without his permission then it’s haram to take another wife without his consents 

    but I have heard many sister done that but their husband are clever they did notify wife and took another wife as some of scholors told them contract does not says wife had to agree to it 

    but if wife put condition he can not take wife then if he wants to take he will have to divorce first one to take another 

    I was so keen to take this condition and ask my husband not to have another wife after me but then I thougt it does not seems right 

    and my husband agree to provide me with every thing after marrige but he does not want me to work yet he alwsys wants co to work 

    Pakistani man like to control their wife so much they think wife is their property and it’s wife’s duty to agree with every thing 

    yet they fear if women becom independant they will have less control on women 

     

  • saira

    December 16, 2016

    Sister Tunis 

    if it’s by law all 4 wife’s becom legal it would be good but not all man treat their wife with fairness of they do legal or not leagl won’t matter at all,

    only problem is in these countries is kids surname and when kids go to school 

    it takes great courage and work to teach and make kids understand 

    yet one side you teaching kids about marrige and all and Other side you tell them to say to teacher that mum and dad are partners 

    if one of wife is not cooperative then kids growing togather is fear full as kids may see jealousy and take on each other and complain in school 

    my co was talking bad in front of kids and they said things in school and hubby is more carefull in front of kids now and I see them less now 

    having legally rights would make huge difference on kids defiantly and other thing I been searching is to change my surname to hubby surname and adopt same. Surname for kids in future so it would make sense to kids where they won’t get confuse with names in school 

    and other option I am looking at it is 

    to put kids in Islamic school where teacher would know the situation and kids study freely 

    many people who are claiming benefits they hide polygamy completely in order to get more allowance which I think it’s very wrong 

    I never look at bigger picture but since am thinking about birth certificate my mind is all over 

    in box where I need to tick married or unmarried I will tick unmarried 

    am so sad and thinking why did I got marrige where when my kids grow up and ask to see birth certificate they will see their mother is bad women who is not married and had kids 

    Allah knows kids will understand when they grow up or not 

    this is why I will change my surname badly 

    i heard there are many many people living openly in U.K. I need to work out and find something 

     

  • Amina

    December 16, 2016

    Also some women put different things in their marriage contract. I was told that a sister put in her contract that her husband couldn’t remarry until they made Hajj together. And the marriage contract is not to be broken. So maybe some men are under contract to do certain things. If you make a contract you have to full fill the obligation. Allah knows best. Sister Saira I hope you can take it easy,  especially being pregnant. I wouldn’t want you to stress yourself or the baby . 

    I was mad at my husband when he remarried because our living conditions aren’t great. And we need to move. But Everyone will have what Allaah has written for them. When I think about that it eases my heart, and mind. Allaah is Just, and He only knows why we go through certain trails. You never know Allah’s wisdom behind something.

  • saira

    December 16, 2016

    Wa alakykum Salam sister Tunis 

    what a lovely post of yours 

    in sha Allah i will work out for my self and be more thank full to Allah

    sisger Tunis your husband did not had much money and yet he was bringing second hand good in home 

    I am that kind of person too alwsys look for bargain what ever I got from him I saved and been making things inside house one by one 

    where I could simply take his card and spend all once 

    you are a kind person but it won’t be with every women 

    I woudnt want to move to house where he lived with co 

    only if that was the last option we had and he run out of money and options 

    but in my situation it is not nice for me 

    if he wants nice for me why not put me in house he will get in next year and leave co where he will move her this year 

    in his mind he is getting propert for me and he will let co live there for time being and once he get other property then move me in this property he will get now 

    it was my night yesterday and I was angry he said he will come have his smoke and leve and he knew my answer I will say no and he got that he never came 

    he done same today asked me he will come for smoke and go I said to him 

    you only teasing me and u don’t want to  come and be argue and he didn’t came as it might be best if he becom mental when he comes 

    it is very hard he does not see heavily pregnant wife and does all that 

    he is stress I think but more since I refuse his offer and he might have to think something else now 

    he threaten me that he will divorce me as am ungrestful and I said to him he is welcome to. Do that 

    I would not regret if in tiny problem he will divorce me 

    what kind of man would do that 

    just because I refuse something he is telling me he will divorce me 

    not bother how is my health 

    I have apojntmet on 22december sister jasmine 

    then I will discuss with the doctor 

    but any thing is serious with me now as my body does not cope with any infection 

    I had infection last week and it clear up my bp been very low and they think it’s kind of pre pre eclampsia where it need to monitor when it goes all sudden high

    baby measure small at the moment but hubby seems less worried about all this 

    and Hospiatl are not so good either

    each tome I see new midwife and most of them in holidays 

    I was unconcious and yet my bp was okay 

    to get second opinion it will take more then 4 weeks and I would be missing my appointments by then 

    hubby is more worried to divorce me then to take me in diffrent hospital 

    I am just thinking some one must be teaching him what to do and all 

    is seems like he is making excuse and showing diffrent attitude 

    my family is not here and doctors warn my husband not to leave me alone as I been unconcious many time and my health need to be monitor and it’s been third night and two whole days am alone 

    not able to cook and stand and walk and hubby is no where near 

    it’s Allah showing me all this 

    he must have plans for me as well 

    life is short no one knows what’s coming next 

    whats  the point if I ended up in hospital and he will cry then for not being there for me 

    Allah will show him what he is doing to me 

    all is in his mind is cars and bigger house 

    today not be my day and tomorrow might be mine 

    feels like he is hanging me when Allah won’t allows this in polygamy 

    even if I bad mouth very bad person but he or any one would think twice as I am on bed rest and hurt my spine and my condition is not so healthy 

    would any man leave someone alone for that long 

    yesterday 5 am I was so hot and sweaty and fell I could only reach to get water 

    didn’t had energy to cook so I had fruits 

    today Alhamdulih am ok I mange to eat something 

     

  • Amina

    December 16, 2016

    Sister Tunis,

    I think some Sisters put an allowance in their marriage contract. I know of a sister who requested a certain amount of money for Clothing, and Spending on Restaurant outings etc. 

     

  • tunis

    December 16, 2016

    Dear Saira

    Sisters Ana, Jasmine and Ummof4  have all given you such wonderful and critical insight .for your situation..mashallah..they all think, speak and write so well…it is so cool.   Their words have benefited me also.  I worry about you and your baby’s  health, sister….so stay focused on that. 

     

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2016

    Oooops, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, tunis :-) Insha Allah, I’ll be back.

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2016

    My bad, Tunis, I thought I had approved your first post. It’s approved now. Sometimes I approve a post and then, not meaning to, hit the approve button again, which causes it to go back to pending.

  • tunis

    December 16, 2016

    To Everyone

    I got a question that just came to me….if polygamy was legal by mans’ law ..  each wife being legal with full society rights..would she feel better ..happy  towards  or about any future wives…?  Feeling accepted by society..would it make a difference in a woman’s feeling? It was normal in times of Prophets past…accepted…and in time of our Prophet of Islam..muslim women were treated better. It was legal..they all felt legal …of course bcoz it was God’s law….but today ..if laws changed..would any woman who is now married polygamously (is this a word)..would she feel better about herself..yes or no.?  I hope you all arent laughing at me..I get these crazy ideas sometimes!!

  • tunis

    December 16, 2016

    Like one of the sisters said…what I accepted or never complained about..may have set the stage for how my husband provided for me…but in my mind ..I saw my husband did not have alot of money..simple guy..I accepted that when I married him…who knew years later he would be self employed..alhamdililah.  But still I was thrifty…to impress him.yes…perhaps that too…I just didnt spend or demand of his money…..stupid yeah..? but he always provided the basics as that is what he would always say he had too do…lol…and I never really asked for more.   My daughters now think I am stupid…baba should of given you allowance or build a house for u or open a business for you….one daughter is married into a family where her father in law does this…to his wife..etc…so perhaps my daughters husband does the same with her..Alhamdulilah..I am very happy for her..and she should be greatful for what Allah has given her that was better than her childhood that she complains about…Dont know where I went wrong with my girls..Allah forgive me. 

    I just think we should not be counting or looking at what other wife has…am I right here..sisters..thinking like this ?  Seems to me it is bringing about alot of hard ache….what the husband does for each wife..he is accountable..b4 Allah..if he is not fair.  We as wives should just try to get what we can in a nicely manner from ours husbands.if it happens it happens…but without pointing out what he does or did for other..this is my thinking. And of course all our basic  needs must be met…  But these husbands should be told,,from beginning by wife..she does not want to hear about life and problems of his other  family…unless the wives are good with each other…then it would be what u want for urself u want for ur sister…..but I know that is difficult..coz alot of sister do not think like this. 

  • tunis

    December 16, 2016

    Asalamu aliakum

    I dont mean to be rude or unfeeling here..or making light of Saira’s situation.  Have I been missing out all these years..on this allowance? I have heard of this from the country I lived in..it seemed like it was almost expected from a husband..part of the marriage contract?  I never asked for that..was I naivee?..nobody told me..I just assumed that whatever I needed ..if my husband could afford it..I might get..he is the household  provider after all..since I did not WORK out side the home..i WORKED ‘inside’ the home…so I guess if something was needed he ‘d get it..inshallah.  I too never asked or demanded..he just got it..like he knew what to get…and whatever he bought I never complained…whether it was used or something he picks out brand new..yes most of the time he ask what I think or I like..sometimes THAT didnt work..hahaha….that is perhaps how he saw me..as easy to please  and helping him save a dollar..cause I am like that ..I guess  .I too love my second hand , thrifty,, freeps, souks, shopping till I drop! I am hooked….my girls say..see u got baba used to that..cant even buy anything new..most  things are used in my house.

    What ever house, apartment my husband put me in I never complained.  I accepted the condition of that house in other country..and it was sorely…but I never complained..made best and due with it…became very resourceful.  But he slowing bought things..piece by piece.   yes we lived simply.. and for reasons I mentioned b4 in previous posts. So now that he has taken 2nd wife…it never occured to me whether she will like living there.  Is that weird of me..like ewww ?  How could he do that.. or how could she do that.. or how could I accept that.!!  I think we women make things silly.  or am I wrong in my feeling..like I am not jealous enough or something.?  My husband is now building on top of house over there. For who is it…do I ask.?.do I have right to say to hubby..make house for me.?.I never did that.  What ever Allah provides..Like Ummof4 mentioned..that new wife may have to wait to get what first wife got…but if husband is financially able after 28 years to put second wife in nice home right away..is that wrong?  providing 1st wife is in a comfy home…or the fact that it is a brand spanking new home…who should get it ..me or her..?..or is that up to the husband?  maybe rental property… What Allah provides for each wife thru the husband…will be His will .. isnt that how we are to understand it and accept?  Is my thinking not correct?  Sometimes I feel like I dont know my rights …like what us wives are supposed to be guaranteed in the course of a marriage.  Saira..I think ur husband cares for you  very much…he wants good for U..but he may be feeling pressure from you and other wife..perhaps…along with other deadlines and his wants and  arrival of new baby.  Relax now for your health and health of ur baby..this is most important..LIFE is TO SHORT of all this other stuff..look at all the good things u have and have gotten..I stressed this b4…vacations,,new clothes..going out to eat..etc…but alot of u sisters get that…some of us dont..do I ask Allah not me..perhaps He knows what I need..and maybe it is coming..I cannot see my future..I only ask Allah to give me the good of this life and the Hereafter. 

  • Jasmina

    December 16, 2016

    Also I think most men are blind lol when it comes t needs  N the home. They don’t want to see or just don’t notice. 

    You need to find a way of discussing your needs that doesn’t make you feel like your are begging because I see you have pride about asking him, and secondly so that he responds kindly and not hold back and argue. 

  • Jasmina

    December 16, 2016

    Saira

    i don’t know what you should do about your husbands behaviour. Like Ana said it’s abusive. I think you should turn to Allah as you are doing. And not talk back to your husband or anger him more when he gets like that, just to not escalate things because I’m worried that he would get physical. If that works then do that but if he continues then maybe you need to speak to a professional or his family I don’t know to be honest. You said it’s not not recent so he may be under stress. Which is no excuse. 

    Just take care of yourself and baby. Also why won’t you deliver early if that is what doctor thinks is best for baby. I suggest you visit another doctor and get a second opinion and if they suggest the same thing then do it because your baby’s health is priority and also pre-eclampsia is a very serious condition along with sepsis. Both are deadly so I don’t understand why you are not corporations with doctor. They are there to save lives. Allah decides the outcome. But I’m sure they want what’s best. Get another opinion if u don’t trust your doctor.

    Stop worrying about your husband taking U to cos house as you said it’s a year away. When the time comes then discuss it then. Why stress about it now? Your husband may change his mind anyway. 

     

  • saira

    December 16, 2016

    Sister Ana 

    i got your point and my mother said same to me 

    but is my husband innocent or blind 

    does he don’t see what he should do and what he should not do 

    other day he was saying once he moved co he will buy proper dinner set and it was so weird for me as a man he should not be worrying what is missing in kitchen and what he buy for co 

    thats is why I get total confuse one house he knows what he should buy and one house don’t see majour things 

    I took my mum and sister Ana and your advice very clearly 

    and in Sh Allah I will take all this matter in my hands now and even if I work and earn I will still ask for my rights and the money he should support me 

    your post make sense to me so much 

    enough I done and seen what will I get 

    I should take slow step and start asking for my rights 

    he thinks when I ask and he argue and my reaction will be same and i would shut up and not ask any demand 

    but hope fully not any more now 

    I am thinking to go to mosque and ask sheik what I should be asking I don’t want to go beyond limits and ignore what and what I should not ask and to get clear advice what is appropriate way of in this situation 

    jazakAllah sister Ana and other sister 

  • saira

    December 16, 2016

    Sister umm of4

    i agree with you and I have not sign any condition before marrige and it was not the case he will give me less or more to co

    i start saving own my own to start making things for home as he does only for his cars

    he spend crazy money on cars which is not fair but he earn and his cars 

    I would still not move where co will move in months time and after year or so he would want me to move 

    I just can’t do this at all

    he can rent that home and or what ever but I can not move there it’s just not me 

    my co gets more then double pocket money by him and he is saying he will take incharge now for money as she waste so much but it’s nothing to do with me 

    I save what ever I have and he gives and when ever we go somewhere I have all good cloths and I yet buy for hubby too from my own savings where co can’t do and kids alwsys in bad clothing 

    I keep things clean and up to date so inside house any one can say I get more but actully it’s the way I keep 

    my only problem is I can not live in house where she lived even for a week

    he is finacilly stable and his family or any one would understand why I am saying this 

    I saved money and from thst I bought electronics goods and he was shocked how I mange 

    I can not imagine to sleep in same bedroom even after re decorating I rather divorse him then sleep in that room and torture my self

    he is quite now but if it comes to point and he wants me to move I would move out completely 

    the area I live in is worse then any thing so government house woudnt be bad choice 

    he got car for £70k do and it’s one of car and has 3 more 

    and just wheels of his one car are more then 10k 

    umm of 4 do you still think it’s fair vd my feelings ? To make me move where he and co  will live for short period until they get more good house 

    any women would dream of that house it nice vd big garden and etc but I rather live in cave where my feelings won’t hurt then live there 

    I am taking silent mode but after baby if he insists I will call a quit 

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2016

    Sister saira,

    It seems that you are clearly missing the point. Your husband is supposed to maintain and protect. You keep saying that you go without and make huge sacrifices, so not to burden anyone. Why are you doing that when you have a right to be taken care of by your husband?. Do you think that you aren’t worth anything? He’s not going to just give to you, if you’re telling him that you don’t need it and you don’t want it. You can’t just expect him to say, oh I’m going to give it to you anyhow. Some men would. Some men don’t. Some men do only what they have to. You are doing yourself a disservice by going without thinking that you are doing something favorable but are actually hurting yourself. I don’t get it. You talk about what you don’t want and don’t need from him, but at the same time complain about him not giving you stuff.

  • saira

    December 16, 2016

    Sister umm of4

    mt husband owns 3 property in total and he is buying 4th one which he will move with co 

    two of properties are on rent and he will move in 4th property

    if my husband struggle even a little I would walk vd him side by side and won’t ever demand any thing 

    am 9 months of my pregnancy and yet I have to walk 3 stories to reach my flat but I have not asked or demand any thing this is why I am more hurt

    he had some legal issues and I was head to toe helping him 

    he just showed this behaviour recently 

    I just felt as he thougt to get some property mean while and l8r on move me there and hunt more posh for co actully for safety of his cars 

    I did not demand ever for more money or more expense or any thing 

    that might never happens what happens tomorrow Allah knows 

    he might not get me any house at all or he end up in road Allah knows 

    but I felt more he should understand what women go tru in pregnancy and in this time he should have been more cooperative then playing nut case here.

    this time when husband and wife plans what will they do how will go to hospital especially when I am having a lot medical issue 

    but he is busy and thinking I will kiss his ass 

    he been saying he will get someone to give me Msage but again so far it’s only a talk 

    he rather look for new parts for his sports car

    timw will tell when he won’t feel well then he will relize what he put me in 

    I lost plot I should get my focus on Allah alone and just listen from one ear what he says and take out from other 

    for his unborn safety I am putting my life at risk and not letting doctors to deliver her early but he care less then any thing

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2016

    Sis Saira,

    One thing I will say for certain, it’s very wrong of your husband to abuse you emotionally and psychologically at any time, but especially while you are pregnant. There have been men who are known to do that type of thing and go as far as to physically assault their wives while the wives are pregnant. It’s a sign of weakness and it’s a terrible thing to do to someone at any time but especially when the person is in a vulnerable state such as pregnancy.

  • saira

    December 16, 2016

    Sister jasmine 

    what do you suggest what I should do with my hubby’s behaviour 

    when he gets angry he says soo many bad names and delibery accuse for bad things and make me feel as if he leave me or didn’t marry me I would have been in mess and without his help I am nothing 

    he kept in those thougts and I begin to see my self ugly person and I use to do more and more to please him 

    and then when I found this blog I started working on my self and my Deen and things a lot diffrent 

    the way he react and shout screem and calls names even the issue is smallest he would. Not understand 

    he does that may be for few hours and then all sudden he becom all religious and send Islam quotes and start apologises and all 

    he does have very serious issue with his short temper 

    i want to seek professional help for him but I don’t know where to look for 

    is any thing you can suggest ?

    his entire fear is after his anger I might leave him and that he is the best person in world and he do not do wrong 

    I really want to seek help and see if it can be solve 

    I would not want to have children grow up in this envirment 

    just few weeks back he had to sell some of his car parts he is crazy about sports and he got very insne cars vd huge hourse power 

    he was with me in Hospiatl and his wifie was not working he got so pissed off and start talking so bad with the nurse that they taking long I let him go and came my own 

    the whole anger was he was selling his sports car one part the one he only bought last year 

    each time he goes in Hospiatl he sits and see other ladies and calls them names in our language 

    he says to every walking person look he has bad hair etc etc 

    i can’t keep up with this I don’t want to have this attitude all life 

    my midwife was so nice I was there for few hours then it’s not their fault we don’t pay for any thing and get free health check and yet he moans why they talking long and in the end his special sentence that they are rasist and Donald trump followers 

    I don’t like calling names and judging people base on their cloths their language and appearance 

     

    we both have so diffrent personalities I love him a lot but his few habits I don’t like it 

    he thinks he can insult any one and show power but I disagree with him 

    I can’t encorge him any longer when he is wrong 

    I feel like I slap in his bum and tell him to behave but it’s dream 

     

  • saira

    December 16, 2016

    JazakAllah sister jasmine Alhamdulih I am feeling much batter after reading your post and after talking to my mother .

    the situation is I have social issue and hubbt showed them that he is living with me and moved from co to social worker that is the whole reason why he need to move all paper work to where I live but he has not done so far

    i am having very difficult pregnancy now 

    I fell unconscious and ended up in hospital and doctor fear I may develop sepsis and as I insist I want natural birth they can not induce me early for c section which would have been on 1st January but as I want to deliver naturally due to fear to tearing my scar they won’t c me until 12 of February 

    I stood up but I should have mange things in calm way I done it in past and this time as well I try to explain to hubby in calm way but he flip and argue and I hated it I just got pissed and ignore his calls 

    you are right about every thing u said 

    I decided to certain time I will be quite and after that I will make my own rules in home like how much to spend and when and what to get and I decided to write down and tell hubby to give me certain amount in certain day of Mounth as I want to save for rainy days 

    I. Told him so many times in past that he should give me pocket money in fix dates and he always do for few days and forgot 

    I am not saying he won’t spend on me but he has in his mind I can ask any time and he will give 

    my co lives in 4bedroom house too at the moment which is rented and they will move in 3 bedroom property both are nice 

    and I like to organised things and do in certain way and my apartment is much nicer in side and co house is way worse in side as the way she kept it

    he is the one actully worry about this property being too small and wanted to get me out I just got annoyed and angry that why he thougt it would be no problem for me to move in house where co lived and made mess all over and I should move there after she leaves and clean up her mess and re organised home 

    I use to love my husband uncondinilly but I begin to relize I love him too much and spend less time to love Allah 

    now I do less in my heart and I rather read Quran and make dua then please him when he is wrong 

    his whole family said same thing that after weeks he will cry that co made mess in home and he spend so much in home 

    his sister said to me he will regret and I told her it’s good he knows what’s coming and he need to learn 

    he been txting me to make me jelous and saying things about him and co 

    and I cried any women will cry to hear these things but I said to him am happy he is happy 

    since then he didn’t txt 

    I beg to Allah and cried as I am already in pain and he is delibery making me sad 

    by doing all this he is damaging what he built in all that time 

    I feel much calm and batter by talking to mum and reading your comment 

    hope I don’t go in to labour in this state.

    i am hardly mobile I hurt my back and lower back and baby in engage and having pre pre eclampsia nose bleed swelling and all is so pain full,

    and already I lost my Mucas plug 

    I wish I could go for boxing session ?

  • ummof4

    December 16, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Saira, you have mentioned several issues.  I will take them one at a time.

    1.  As Ana already said,  you (and many other) women agree to marry a man with little financial support, then later want whatever the first wife has.  This is not fair to anyone – the husband, who is keeping his end of the marriage contract; the first wife, who should not have her standard of living lowered because her husband decided to marry another wife; and the new wife, who has agreed to live on very little, when she knows she needs more.  When the husband cannot do more financially, the new wife wants to blame the husband and the first wife – it’s not their fault.

    I think I posted this before; if so, here it is again.  The last time my husband married a second wife he told her in the beginning what he could afford – a decent place to live in a safe neighborhood, food, clothing, an allowance and medical care.  She was fine with it.  After a few months she said she wanted everything that I had.  So my husband told her okay.  She could get a new house in 28 years because that’s how long we were married before we bought a house; she could use her money to buy a used car, because that’s what I did;  she could have her allowance reduced, because her allowance was more than mine; and she could start buying used clothing instead of new (I am a vintage/gently used/ hand-me-down or hand-me-up junkie.  About the only thing I buy new is shoes.)  After that she stopped asking for the same things that I had.

    I am saying all this to say that when a couple has been married for a while, they acquire possessions over the years.  A new wife may have to be patient to acquire the same possessions. 

    2.  You have been offered to live in the house he lived in with his other wife, and you refuse, because of their memories.  This brings to mind the situation with Tunis and her husband.  Her husband’s new wife moved into the home that Tunis and her family lived in years ago, and according to Tunis’s daughter, she is making it her home now, because she is the wife who lives there.

    I believe if the house is paid for, is in good condition, and is in a better area than where you are now living, that you should at least consider moving into it.  Talk with your husband about making it your space – redecorating, buying new furniture.  You can make memories just as they made memories.  

    You probably don’t want to live in government housing – it’s usually not the best nor is it in the best neighborhood.  You don’t want to be on your own, that’s not why you got married.

    3.  Pregnancy hormones are CRAZY! It sounds as if you are going through it big time.  Relax as much as you can and try not to be stressed.

    Sending love your way with hugs and kisses.

    Everyone have a blessed day and remember to thank Allah for whatever you have.

  • Jasmina

    December 16, 2016

    Look saira 

    you and your husband are both hurting each other and you are both too immature to stop it. He clearly loves you and wants to make u happy but is confused as to how particularly when he thinks u are easy to please. He also seems sensitive and doesn’t know the boundaries of talking to a woman, it’s just terrible what he says but I imagine it’s his personality and you have challenged him with your attitude and attacks at him so he’s stepped up to the challenge and responds by insulting and hurting you. If you haven’t invited that behaviour then he has serious issues. Well he has issues for saying that as we should all contain ourselves but clearly he can’t. Some men who feel hurt emotionally, got to emotionally hurt you back twice as hard.  Try to calm things down and just remember u have a baby on the way and remind him of this. 

  • Jasmina

    December 16, 2016

    Saira

    take a deep breath. I know how you feel. You been so understanding but suddenly he pushed his limits and now you feel resentful not just about this but everything else. That’s why I have learnt that if I give love I also have to receive otherwise I stop giving it, that’s only with my husband because he tends to take and take and never give, it’s how it’s working for me otherwise he would have sucked me dry of all my blood and energy. You have to manage love and relationships until you get to a level of understanding and after that when you are on the same page,love unconditionally. It’s unfortunate but you set yourself up in that situation by giving and giving and getting no return and giving more, when deep down you probably hoped that by giving he would naturally want to appreciate you and love you more and give you more. It’s an ugly cycle. 

    You are all over the place also and I think that’s your hormones and it does u no good so I suggest trying to take some time out and unless you can make a change with your housing before baby comes why stress out now.  Tell husband let’s forget about this until xx date and then we can discuss our housing arrangement and look at better options for our family if we feel this is not adequate anymore with new baby. It will give him time to analyse the situation once baby comes, let’s him feel in control, and lets him bond with baby and trust me once baby comes he will want to invest in your family just as much as he does the other family so give it a few months inshaAllah. 

    Also it’s important for your own sanity that you take on the mindset of making decisions for your household based on what is best for you, your marriage, children and household just as if you were monogamous. Remove the co from the equation. She should play no role whatsoever in the decisions that happen in your home. Why are u letting her in your bed? Get rid of her from there! You make up your mind up of what is best for you and your family and if itbao happens that it’s more than what she has then tough and it may also be the case that it’s less than what she has, well who cares because it’s what’s best for you. Redeem that power back, put yourself up on your own pedastool, take care of you.  Like my co lives in a 4 bedroom home that is pretty flashy and I live in bad street in an ugly apartment outside but inside it is the most beautiful apartment I’ve ever seen and when I am home I feel bliss. I love my home and tho hubby has offered I look for a house, I choose not to as I love it here and it’s easy to clean and I hate moving.  When the time comes I’m sick of it here or we have more children then I will look at what’s best for me then. I think that’s equality. I’d hate to live in a large home and have to clean it up when my household is small with one child and only because she has that.  Change your perspective and your mindset and I’ll inshallah feel better. 

    You decided your home is no longer appropriate, okay it’s no problem as life changes and circumstances change and we as people change as well, your husband has to deal with that just as you have to deal with fact that the situation in his other household will change and improve. So what steps do you need to take to improve your living. Like I said just tell hubby you feel one bedroom is not best for your growing family and tell him it’s too late to move now but can you analyse for few months sit and discuss options in xx date. And take it from there. If you think you need to have this discussion in a week or few months that’s up to you, point is be mature about it. Influence your husband to get what you want, don’t have a tantrum about it. Be strategic. 

    Anyhow lastly stop doing $hi@ for your husbands other household. What is up with that, woman. Stop it. Don’t clean her house. Don’t look for a house for her. Just don’t. If you two actually get along then fine but that’s not the case so let her manage her home and you manage yours. Trust me your husband won’t think ur some kind of saint for it and love u more, he’ll just use you if he’s like mine and not consider your feelings like what happened when he said u can move in that home after. Tell him no I will not move into a home she lived in for the mere fact that it will arouse jealousy and hurt your feelings and also because it’s degrading that you should settle for that without considering what your needs are at the time. Make it clear that in your household decisions are based on what is best for it, you don’t need more or less than what is best for you and you will be voicing what you feel is best as you spend most of your time there and will raise your kids there. No need to argue, just be clear and assertive.

    i hope u feel better. When are u due?

  • saira

    December 16, 2016

    I relize that no matter how bad I feel it won’t do any good to me unless Allah wills it

    i have never felt like that when he snap and calls me names and say am unfaithful and bitch etc that’s his typical reaction when he is wrong he does to me all the time 

    but after hearing his non sense I broke silence when he txt and say am unfaithful I relied and ask him when he found me unfaithful he then called me names and I relied back what ever ugliest thing he said I replied back and he said he don’t want to hurt me I said same that I don’t want to hurt you either 

    he didn’t show much aggressive behaviour this time he says something I quikly stop him by calling him back 

    he then said ohh my co is so good she stays silent and never does that 

    I laughf and said yes when she called you idiot and get you out of house you came crying to me lol

    he stopped after that 

    and then he told me he and co intimated and he told me what and how they did 

    and he said when he was doing it whole time he imagine me and did it

    i am already not feeling well but he always found a way to torture me 

    he relize he done bad and now he can’t touch me ever now 

    he been saying things to calm me down but the nasty thing he said about intimate thing gave me panic attack 

    He is since trying diffrent way to calm me down but I can not imagine talking to him at all 

    am just making dua and Asking Allah that why people in polygamy do this to heart each other 

     

     

  • saira

    December 16, 2016

    .i think sister Ana 

    i started to see things more clearly now 

    I been fool not thinking at all in whole this time and never demand any thing which is my own fault 

    I should have think about my self to what if he divorce me and I have to go back to my own place what and how will I survive when I won’t have job time being when am in iddah period

    i made his life so easy by not claiming any things as he does all for me and I never thougt I should keep something for me 

    my cousin told me long ago I should think and have some security to my self I know it’s Allah who does but what when something comes up I won’t be able to tracks in other city alone as I won’t have money 

    he txt me last night and told me once if I go back and live alone then I will regret and relize how many things he was doing for me 

    I got so up set with this msgs 

    I told him what will happend then I might have to take bus to go to grocery shopping and have to walk more and might buy cheaper grocery 

    he then said thank you 

    he takes me in restaurant and gets food from out side and when he goes away he buys me cloths and for him it’s so much

    yet all this is nothing he start counting how much he been doing for me etc and getting me shopping etc 

     I just look at all and think how small he thinks 

    he thinks I came from dessert and he showed me life 

    I regret quitting my job so badly 

    I think if person like me is independant and suddenly have to live and rely on husband income and hear something like that it’s difficult to cope then

    i Remeber my father send me money and I worked hard to pay him back 

    I just want to earn my own and not take his money 

    I just hate all this in him when he behave so childish 

     

  • saira

    December 16, 2016

    Wa alakykum Salam 

    sister ana 

    my husband has not moved me in diffrent propert yet his other co been given notice and he got to move them in diffrent place 

    before they got notice he kept telling me he feel bad for me and will get me new property I did not said yes or no I just said if Allah wills

    he is the constantly claiming he feel for me and he will provide me with more goods in future yet I never complained

    our marrige was so quick so I never agree or demand any thing but he agree to support me after marrige fully

    i still have house on government benefit and I would not want to get rid of that as my husband is not reliable he says things and change his behaviour 

    I been searching house vd him for co and kids 

    and been helping him a lot in paper work

    i does help him as much as I can but it could be my harmons as well yet he is the one keep saying I will get you nice property soon as he feels for me bla bla 

    I just explode when he didn’t see my clue when he keep saying one day he might be able to go back to the posh area vd kids and move me in this house which he bought for co 

    i told him I rather live in rented or government house then your co left over house he said why I told him it’s not nice I don’t want it

    he got it and never said again 

    the thing hurt me most I am heavily pregnant and I skip my appointments for his house hunting things and soon he got house for co he began to hide things like how much ok mortgage he took for co and him 

    he kept saying he love me more and Allah will tell me on day of judgment he is not fair vd co and does more for me

    i cudnt understand that this man sees any thing or not

    i said to him he decided he won’t get any thing on any of wife’s names then if he got in her name something he will have to do in my name also in future 

    it was never in any agreement which wife will have more or less

    Alhamdulilh he has ability and finance to keep us both on same level 

    I did my own research and he can share things on my name too so it’s not excuse for him 

    I simply wants something for my kids safety too 

    and the reason I am changing name it will be not co fusing on kids when they grow up and they won’t feel alien in this situation 

    I done my paper work and it won’t hurt at all to do all this

    yes Ofcourse there is a jelousy as well but Ana if someone keep telling u non stop they love you unconditionally and do so much then one day you do explode and tell on face reality 

    he is the one alwsy go to family and front of every one tells how much he loves me and every one say to me that he treat me like princess 

    yet princess lives in cave lol

    he has not moved me in my co house as he just bought now and he is talking about future plan that once he get more money he will go in more posh area and leve in this house which they bought now 

    I felt like at this stage I should not stay quite and give him this idea that it’s ok for me to accept the property where co lived and left that property and now move to other one 

    I know it’s Allah who will do all but what if I stay quite it won’t help eigther

    i didnt care any less if he got hurt but he is stupid or behaving stupid as he calls me and thinking am going insne for no reason I explain him he didn’t get so he is just playing innocent here:

    he said he won’t try to move me any where in future and won’t expect any thing from me and I said fine 

    for me living in small and bad house is batter then live the house he and co lived 

    where I can’t go to my bedroom thinking they must made love here there.

    i am living in one bedroom house and yet people don’t even have roof over their head so I am not dreaming day and night for the best house 

    one time comes if it’s small after kids I am entitle to get house on my name without his help 

    he woudnt want to do that as his ego will hurt as people ask him about my house and co 

    he might do in fear of people but he need to know it’s Allah he should fear not people

    deep down I would really want to have house from government help so he won’t claim 24:7 that he provide me things not my father

    which he does that to co and me for every single things he does he like to mention 

    am slowly and steadily working on my working from home 

    in sha Allah in future in 6 months time I will start from home 

    I am organised person so spending less and be organised it’s not problem for me 

    he is over the moon now a days but soon reality will hit him and he will come down sooner or later

    i said no to help co is the reason coz she does not appriciate neither him 

    and when she gets in mood she flip so I rather refuse which he didn’t expect from me 

    in start I don’t not co well now I know her I woudnt go in that track 

    in laws are good vd me again and I see. Co few times and she been sending food to mine and I send to but that’s it nothing else 

    I still didn’t unblock her and still keep my distance and don’t share every day things to them 

    I felt like I had to speak up and if I don’t in future with kids it will be hard to I set boundaries  and it’s Allah who will show me and him the proper way 

    my hubby got good income and it’s not like he and his family was rich from start they have in Pakistan but not here 

    but it’s like when one child gets loats of candies he gets over happy and don’t want to share and if he share he like to tell people 

    and I am opposite I rather give me only candy to others and still try to be silent 

    hubby can’t force me to move me and actully he woudnt as he could put his other property on rent And get batter money then move me 

    but one thing is sure he knows how fair he is vd me so Atlest I won’t hear this love and all bull shit from him and he will be carefully when he makes that statement in front of family as I will say what and where I am and the other one 

    I don’t know what is wrong vd me I have been so calm and this things made me so up set 

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2016

    Sis Saira,

    You said that you are not jealous of his other wife. Yet you want all that she has; although you initially settled for less. If he has the wherewithal, then he should accommodate you. You said he has the money. Why do you think he should spend any of it on you when you keep telling him that you are not materialistic; you don’t need anything and you don’t want anything? It’s what he hears from you. Why do you think he shouldn’t listen to you? Furthermore, I think you want your husbands last name because of the jealousy factor. Of course, if you live in a country that does not support polygamy, if you go with your husband to a medical facility or such he wouldn’t be able to claim you as a wife when he has a legal one. Only one person can be claimed as a spouse or partner. When a woman marries a married man, those are some of the sacrifices that she makes. She can’t have all that a legal wife has. She knew he had a legal wife to begin with, which would exclude her from having them. Yet, she agreed.

    Maybe you thought that because he said negative things about his other wife, you should portrayed yourself as the opposite. Maybe you think that he should have some loyalty to you more so than to her because you present better than she does.

    About owning property and things jointly with your husband, I’d suggest you better check out the laws in the country in which you live. In the United States, in the State that I live, a husband and wife’s property is considered “marital property”. It means that what he and she own belongs to the both of them. If he has property in his name with the other woman, the legal wife would be able to claim that property as hers as well. If it works the same in the country in which you live, and you have property in his and your name, his legal wife could come and claim part of your property in a divorce or in the event of his death.

    It’s a difficult situation because you did go to the other wife’s home to help her clean and do housework. So I suppose your husband thought you’d be willing to go to her new place and help with it, as well. As we know, things change. You were willing to do it before, but now that you are emotionally invested in him, you no longer want to do it. I don’t blame you. I get it. I wouldn’t want to do it either. BUT, you set the stage. You began the marriage that way. Nonetheless, I still think you should NOT do it.

    It is very difficult to start a polygamous marriage off a certain way and then want to change the rules later. Although, everything changes and nothing remains the same. The husband and you had an agreement. Changing things changes the other wife’s life as well.

    You say you don’t want material things. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like nice things. You were willing to go without before, so as to maybe appear to be a good person who didn’t need much to make you happy. You, in a sense, sold yourself short.

    It’s always good to have a Muslim male wali, guardian or relative who could negotiate from jump street for the woman and intervene when she and her husband have marital disputes, disagreements and problems.

    It very well could be your hormones/pregnancy that is causing you to be overly sensitive about what has transpired. Satan is all over you, as well.

    I definitely feel you and what you’re going through. I don’t know what the solution is other than that you move to the home that the other lived in; move to the government housing; or wait and see if Allah gives you something else that’s better than what you have now.

    Be upfront and consistent with him. Don’t flip flop saying you want nothing today, but tomorrow you want something. Then you’re back to wanting nothing. Your husband appears to be getting upset because you aren’t happy with what you agreed to (which seems to me that you do a lot of pretending with him), so he doesn’t know how you truly feel until you explode and implode. So, he react by basically saying, the hell with you then.

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2016

    Sister saira, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I know you are very upset, and I would probably be so, as well, under the conditions and circumstances that you described. I wouldn’t want to be treated as second best either.

    Let me explain what I think has happened based on what you’ve stated:

    I think the problem began when you agreed to marry him. The agreement included that you live where you are living now. You agreed to it, knowing where his other family lived. I don’t think you could expect that she would lower her standard of living to accommodate you. She should be able to continue to live the lifestyle that she was accustomed to. It seems that you were okay with the living arrangement when you agreed to marry him. In the stage leading up to marriage, many women accepts whatever it takes to marry the man.

    We’ve discussed here on the blog how some women agree to something in order to marry the man and then once they’re married and get into the mix, they don’t want to accept it any longer. They want more. They want at least the same that the other wife has. However, initially the newcomer says to the man, for instance, you don’t have to do this, that and the other for me. I require very little. I can take care of myself. It’s until reality sets in. She realizes that she want more and she becomes dissatisfied. There is where the problem begins.

    You said you didn’t make material demands on him and didn’t expect much from him. I believe you. It could be one of the reasons that he decided to marry you. What is the husband supposed to do when he has based his decision on what the newcomer agreed to accept, but then she wants more? He has financial limitations as well. His other wife has to keep on living.

    I think you said he recently moved the wife and children to a place where the kids could attend a better school and play outside. It could be him rationalizing the move or it could be the truth. I don’t know what it is. Anyhow, he is willing to upgrade you as well. I could understand you not wanting to go live in his and her former home and take what she left behind. I think my understanding is that the home is owned by your husband’s family, and he can’t get you a different home because of finances. It is why you intend to get the government home on your own, if I understand correctly.

    Don’t tell him that you can move on your own and take care of yourself, if you don’t mean it. Do you want him to help you or not? You’ve got to be upfront and honest with him and stop putting on a show, pretending and saying things that you don’t mean. How is he to know what you are about when you’re all over the place?

    When your husband says he will get you a better place and more material things in the future, it may be his intentions or it could just be simply talk. Anyhow you look at it, he doesn’t know the future. Only Allah knows it.

  • saira

    December 15, 2016

    Thank you sister concern 

    i know it’s my pain and harmons but hubby hurt me more then ever 

    I know it’s in Allahs hands what is in my luck in material things etc

    but I just hurt so much the way he put up with it 

    he appriciate in times of difficulty that I am side by side him 

    but saying this property is not good for co but he is ok to put me in that thougt just hurt me 

    he said coz kids had to go to school etc and play out side 

    it’s not bad property where he moved them still I am alone and will be going in our house alone in Islamic clothing tracking in public transport he should not had think this way at all for me 

    I have not ever asked him about getting me diffrent property he is the one bring up all this

    now he know I am hurt and he said I actully don’t deserve any thing at all and he will never get me may thing 

    I said to him I am ok vd that and will support my self 

    I don’t care he said in anger or what but that attitude the way he said stinks 

    amd I hate he keep saying sorry in the end and been saying 24/7 he feel for me in this property either he shut up and not said any thing and if he did the should have not said that bla bla property is ok for me but not for his other one 

    Allah knows my intention I never even ask for any thing and alwsy try to save that’s why I got more hurt 

    I wish I divorce him and earn my own and live coz all this stinks me now 

    I made dua to Allah if it’s not good for me to be in this marrige then make me leave 

    I know what am saying but I am very sensible and my ego is hurting 

    this man thinks of me second best and Allah didn’t said in polygamy to think one other wife second best 

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2016

    Sis Saira,

    I’m out on the road, but will try to answer you ASAP.

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2016

    Sis Saira,

    What you explained, I believe as well. But, any how, to each her own. It is what it is.

  • Concerned

    December 15, 2016

    Amina

    Yes, I do know that hadith. The one that loves only for yhe sake of Allah is one of the muslims who will receive shade on the day of judgement. Thanks for the reminder sis. 

  • Concerned

    December 15, 2016

    Saira

    Awww sis, your really going through the pregnancy emotions. I think you just want him to prove he cares and he would be there when you need him. It seems everything can piss a pregnant woman off. I know it doesn’t seem trivial to you and your really upset with him but we all should remember we only get what Allah wills for us. 

    I think your husband knows how to put a smile on your face (most of the time) and he may have fallen into a routine of just saying nice things without follwing it up with action. Your going to have to be patient with yourself and ever changing feelings. Late pregnancy is tough on the mind aswell as the body. I absolutely dont think you should help your co clean and organise. You need to focus on you and the baby. Preparing to bring her home and getting ready for labour. You should really have a pamper day and let him pay for it. For now Put your feet up sis and try to relax. Try not to focus on what he is and isn’t doing and give yourself some time. 

    From my experience when a woman feels like she wants to be home, her body is getting ready for labour. Its the ‘nesting’ instinct kicking in. 

    Chin up, Allah is all knowing all hearing. 

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2016

    Sorry I removed the Arabic text. I had a successful Twitter account in the past that was shutdown because people were writing in Arabic I don’t know what was said but I got shut down so I don’t go that route with allowing people to post in a language other than English on the blog.

  • saira

    December 15, 2016

    Few days back I fell inconclusive and hurt my self very badly and ended up in hospital 

    he was not letting me come to my house where I live actully his house where I live 

    he was keep insisting I should go and live with his sister or mother so they can look after me

    i said no I want to stay in my own place 

    he woke up next morning and run to mortgage office and worker never turn up and He went to work it was my day off but he stayed whole afternoon in garage and in mortgage office 

    not worrying how I am all alone not able to walk but so worried for other thing 

    he then came at eveing and said I should had stayed at his mothers what if I need to go to doctor 

    I have not said any thing 

    I am just staying quite and crying to Allah 

    he asked me to come to his mother house today I said ok

    he is trying to talk to me and I just talk to him normal but he knows I don’t feel the same any more 

    I was the one alwsys smile hug and be normal to show him 

    but I don’t that too but still I have sting in my heart 

    where we use to txt all day and do video calls and all but now I am on mute mod and don’t think I will come out of this zone now 

    thinking of being around him making me uncomfortable  now 

    Inbetween typing this he called me on video call I spoke to him normally but he start telling me he came to work morning time etc and how I am and all I said am good and he then asked what will wear in eveing it was less then 5 minutes call he was talking and I simply answer 

    I don’t think he would ever understand he hurt me so much 

    where I was his best pal sharing and caring not in to any material and yet he made me feel rubbish 

    just because he had great bond vd me and I am the saving one save his things for rainy day does not mean he can take advantage of my feeling and think I can fit in any of co’s left over 

    he forgot my birthday my anniversery and no gift so far 

    my eyes shut now from all that caring thougts and all 

    he now even get me Lamborghini I won’t feel ever happy now 

    I don’t want feel that way coz he is good husband he gets what ever I asked for and provide me vd roof over my head and feed me and cloth me but the way he been saying things that what hurts me 

    last year his parents were asking him to find batter property for me 

    and if I even felt even a tiny percent the way he made me feel I would have made him get me propert long ago 

    in the end it’s not the material makes you happy and bring peace in your life it’s what u put in your life to have that 

    all his words made me apart from him so much 

    I just can’t get my head around when I bow down I cry to Allah and tell him I am hurt not jelous because of luxury but I am humen I am hurt 

    I don’t know it’s my pregnancy harmons false labour pain or the way I am feeling 

    it’s been longest 4 or 5 days I have not had intimidate vd hubby and feel like never do it again 

    hugging touching kissing or staying in contact when not togather its all gone from my side 

    I just feel like I been fool

    i know I will be okay and after few days he will forget every thing and back to normal 

    but the feeling will stay vd me forever now 

    he told me he will want me to help co to create idea of keeping and organising kitchen 

    I was ok vd thst then I said to him she can move her ass and work her self 

    I rather sit at home and prepair for labour 

    he said he will hire a lady for her and for me 

    I said to him I am ok do hire for her but I don’t need to know 

    and told him don’t moan in front of me that she calls you name etc and keeps house dirty 

    I said its you and her problem I don’t need to know 

    I told him and shows him post where man says bad things about co to other wife to please her and I said to him 

    stop playing this trick vd me 

    I am his wife too now and and he should not scared that I might leave him I said if Allahs wills that no matter what u do it will and if Allah don’t want this then then even if I am unhappy 24:7

    i will be in this marrige for ever 

    and he is ohh I love and all and I hated each time he says and bring him self close to me 

    he does love me and show affection but I am allergic vd him right now and in mute mood 

    I will dress up today but not to please him or any thing just to look normal when I got to in laws 

    hope he won’t try to touch me 

     

  • Amina

    December 15, 2016

    I don’t know if everyone here accepts Hadeeth,  but it comes from hadeeth. There is more than one buy I’ll post this one.

    :

    Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said:There are three qualities in which are found the sweetness of faith: that one loves Allah and His Messenger are more than anything else, that one loves a person only for the sake of Allah, and that one hates to return to unbelief just as he hates to be thrown in the Hellfire.

    Source: Sahih Bukhari 16, Grade: 

    I also read a hadeeth where the Prophet agreed with this saying. ” For the Sake of Allaah ” But I don’t think you have to always mention it. 

  • saira

    December 15, 2016

    Salam 

    ladies I need advice especially sister Ana sister concern jasmine and umm of 4

    as someof you know me batter.

    i am very down to earth and humble person and never ever look at material things to have happiness but something recently is bothering me and I been making dua to Allah but something hubby showed me and I burst on him and am keeping distance from him like staying quite and he had on me and then he is calm and quite too but I am still hurt 

    asking you all ladies so you all can tell me if I am wrong or the way I am feeling I should change I don’t understand been making dua but still this issue is making me sad.

    first of all I am not legal wife and when ever we go hospital or appointment etc my hubby quickly say I am his partner and we not married this way of saying hurts me more then ever now 

    I am thinking to change my surname to his surname I have done research and there seems to me no problem with that but has any one done that in blog?

    other thing hubby been saying he will change some of his post in mine address too especially the bank card of his which I use so my co won’t sneak and check what I been doing his gp and some of his stuff in my address too 

    he has not done it yet so far 

    as I am expecting and he showed in Hospiatl we live in that house and it’s not right if his post does not come here 

    he always says he will do it with out me asking him but he alwsy has other priorities 

    the house co lives was rented in post area now they been given notice and had to move 

    Hubby had one other property and his mom told him simply to move there the area he has house it’s not very posh as it had long high flats there too and he feel unsecure about moving co and kids there 

    but house is very nice, but he been searching like crazy day and night property to buy or to rent in posh area 

    I get that he want to feel secure where he moves his family

    but I got so hurt he didn’t even thougt for a second how would I feel when he simply say he will move me in future in that house I got so hurt 

    I am living on one bed room flat in proper junk area yet I didn’t complain but he is the one thinking to get me house in future and when it comes to co he wants the best area for them and the area he don’t want for co he quickly say he will move me there 

    yet I use local transport where co has expensive car but it’s not safe for her to live there but it’s ok for me to live there .

    i was hurt but never showed him how hurt I get when he says like that 

    he said the property is nice and big and garden is nice bla bla and he will built garage but in future if he able to move back to the posh area where he is living vd co he will move back there and let me have this property I then said to him no thanks I rather get house from government( which I will do) and move in your wife’s house where you share things and left over for me and move in more posh area 

    any way he found 3 properties and choose one he landed money from Friends and family and yet he could avoid sharing mortgage vd co he done that 

    I felt so hurt I told him out loud that in future I would want something share to in his and my name joint 

    I never question him ever on things 

    co has so much from in laws from jewelry to every thing and I am yet living in small rough area where have to walk 3 story to go to my flat in this condition but still I get all this from him 

    he was telling imagine the women I don’t love I am doing so much how much will I do for you and then he stayed quite and said am sorry I feel bad and in your time I will do for you too 

    he has money he could have done something for me even get me more jewelry to make me feel batter but I always gave him impression am happy what ever I got 

    he do say he will get and and do this and that 

    I was not thinking this way at all but since he was hinting house and said without thinking where he will think to move me changed my whole personality 

    thinking he will get me something making me torture my self 

    I told him how I am feeling and hurt and he was angry he said he does and will do for me in future but words been said and hurt me badly 

    I decided when things calm down as j been planning to work from home I will defo do that and will get house from government 

    his hypocrate love made me more what would I say I can’t find the right word to express my feeling but now I don’t want to think or expect any thing from him I want to make my own house he will hurt or not I don’t care any more 

    he is the one who diffrenciate between my self and co 

    plz tell me if I am thinking more negitive 

    I just hate the feeling of using his money or any thing now 

     

  • saira

    December 15, 2016

    Aslamu alaykum 

    I do agree with you sister Ana 

    i may have said sometime too that I do this for sake of Allah’s love 

    but I hear this so much in my in laws and from co as well we do this for sake of Allah 

    i think you right about this if we do something for pleasur of Allah then why we should say out loud to so and so that we doing is for sake of Allah 

    that statement should be within our self not to mention any one 

    it is great reminder for me too to fix my saying too 

    I said in this blog that I serve my husband like cooking etc but to have pleasure of Allah and I do it for sake of Allah 

    i must have said to explain but the whole concept of saying should not be said at all 

    as Allah knows our intention and he sees and reward us and to be telling others this is we letting others know too 

    prophet pbuh said if we do good deed with right hand then make sure our left hand won’t knows about this as it might takes pleasure of Allah away from our good deeds 

    for example when I am not in good mood at all vd my hubby I just not showing him or telling him out loud that time just because I feel it’s Allah who will put in his heart and Allah knows this person heart me and I am not hurting it back as Allah won’t like my action so for me staying quite is not the love I have for my hubby staying quite is for sake of Allah but I don’t say it but I think it’s all to do vd intention 

  • Concerned

    December 15, 2016

    I do say I love my co for the sake of Allah because that is the only reason (and most important) I love her. We have completely different personalities andI doubt we’d have anything in common other than the religion. I guess it’s my way of saying, I don’t particularly like you but I love your obedience to Allah, I love your a Muslim, and I want good for you, I will not try to harm you etc. In Shaa Allah I’ll be rewarded for my efforts with people I otherwise would never talk to. 

  • Tunis

    December 15, 2016

    Thank you Ana…bless ur heart..u just did clarify it for me…..seems u answer my question b4 i get it posted.     ok off to bed now….or  maybe ill watch a movie…lol

    Asalama alaikum

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2016

    Sis Tunis,

    Insha Allah, sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite. Lol

    NO. She does NOT have bed bug. It’s just a saying LOL

  • Tunis

    December 15, 2016

    If anyone wants me to clarify on that remark…i will try 2moro…..i m sleepy now…  or  if someone else can maybe help me explain myself…lol….did not mean to offend anyone..sorry again…..cause it didnt sound right to me.  

    Good night ladies

    Have an awesomely happy day or night !! inshallah

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2016

    It was your personal experience.

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2016

    Tunis, I didn’t get that you were dissing the wives who married in the order of other than 1st. You were simply sharing what you’ve experienced with your husband. What you shared about it, others have as well. It doesn’t take anything from other wives. You didn’t say, or imply, for instance, that any wife who married first is the favorite or anything like that.

  • Tunis

    December 15, 2016

    Ladies..i m not implying that a husband who takes 2 or 3 or 4th wife..who has kids ..he does not love her  only doing charity case..no no no..did nt mean like that.   please i apologize. 

  • Tunis

    December 15, 2016

    I dont think my comment really addressed ur question Ana.  But i agree  …one should not need to say i m doing such and such … for the sake of Allah…cause it seems to implys one is not really doing it from love or kindness from themselves   but to please Allah.   As in the case of my husband saying those words to me ..at first hurt…like he didnt really love me…only doing a good deed..and perhaps so..as in marrying a widow or divorced woman with kids….he would gain the reward of Allah providing protection and maintaining  us women.  That may have been his intentions…but part of me feels he should have kept those words to himself….or is maybe my thinking not correct.  ??  bcoz u have all these quotes out there..saying…i love you..and for the sake of Allah…like it is the highest best form of love.    Did that help???

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    Alhumdulliah that you’ve been married 29 years. It’s awesome. Sister Ummof4 has been married over 30 years, as well. I’ll be at 15 next year in May. It seems like a long time, but compared to you two, it’s not. My older sister is into 30 plus years of marriage. I can’t even keep up any more. I think you’re a wise woman to remain married to your husband. Smart move. Thank Allah much. :-)

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    It’s all part of the journey for those who stay in it and go for the ride…

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    Sis Tunis,

    I know how you felt when you lost the post. I’ve been there and done that many of times to the point I’ve cried LOL I think it has happened to just about everyone who posts here. So, welcome to the club LOL I suggest to people that they copy and paste the comment in word in case it happens, but who really has time for that. I don’t do it LOL OH, My…

    You said, “.i have no regretts….in fact what has lacked in our marriage….seems 2 b getting better since my husband has taken another wife…..between me and him….”

    It’s the beauty of polygamy. Wives who married their husband’s first, usually find that their love for their husband and his for her increases. Their bond strengthens. She realizes just how much he means to her and vice versa. It’s incredible how it happens. The love deepens and takes them to another level. He realizes how much he has hurt her and it usually hurts him. She then doesn’t want to hurt him either because it hurts her. It’s beautiful…

  • Tunis

    December 14, 2016

    Cant believe i just lost all that i wrote..regarding ‘for sake of  Allah’…..well maybe i m suppose to summarize……well me for example…..i believe my husband and me married each other ‘for the sake of Allah’…..meaning….to protect ourselves from fornicating…coming together in a halal union. Because this is the way of Allah.    yes yes…we initially were attracted to each other….so we married 2 months later after meeting….haha….ya’ll can close ur mouths now….but that was our main reason…and Allah knows best…..still 2gether after 29 yrs.   So it is not like we were goo goo ga ga .no..in lust with each other….or in love as some say one must be . .  well i fell in love…..and him in me….that could be the blessing or reward ..IDK…..but for whatever reason my husband has expressed those words to me…stating he married me for the sake of Allah….it could imply many things…or what his intentions were  and again Allah knows best what i needed at that time in my life and his….i have no regretts….in fact what has lacked in our marriage….seems 2 b getting better   since my husband has taken another wife…..between me and him….my kids another story.   We have gone thru alot together and choose to stay together….trying to get thru all the trials with rememberance of Allah and for His Promise….inshallah.   

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    Oh, okay. I still don’t know why someone has to verbalize that they are doing something “for the sake of Allah” when we should do things seeking Allah’s good pleasure. We want Allah to be pleased with us for the things that we do when in remembrance of Him. We do things good for the good of our own souls. So, why do some people need to verbalize why they are doing something? Allah knows why people do the things that they do. I’m not going to hold the door for someone so it doesn’t slam in the person’s face and say, “I’m holding this door for you for the sake of Allah.” I’m cooking this dinner for you , for the sake of Allah. I’m not sitting around talking about, I’ve got this blog up for everyone for the sake of Allah. So, why are people saying they love someone for the sake of Allah? We should do thing for the benefit of our souls and it doesn’t need a formal announcement.

    It still doesn’t make sense to me, but, it’s okay. To each his own. Thanks for the input.

  • Amina

    December 14, 2016

    Sister Ana, 

    Loving someone for Allah is when you do an action for someone with the intentions of pleasing Allaah first, seeking His reward and pleasure. The best example I can give you is when you do something for a person ,but they don’t say thank you or they show signs of ungrateful Ness. Normally that would make a person  angry, but when you do it for Allah s sake , you’re not to upset because you know you did the action seeking the reward from Allaah first, and not the person. Like when we’re upset with our husbands,  we try to continue being nice and kind, not for them, but because Allaah loves those who are patient and we will be rewarded for the good we do. Their are some Sisters I don’t like. However I still greet them and are cordial because they are my sisters in Islam.  And I will be rewarded for being kind to my sister.

  • Tunis

    December 14, 2016

    To me…’…for the sake of Allah’…means..to instill that true purpose to worship Allah..like reminding ourselves and others …are we truly trying to live our lives for His sake.  But shouldnt most all things be done for His sake.   ?? easrier said then done.huh…..but thats what we should be striving for….remembering Him in all our actions..intentions..etc…that would be what..for the sake of Allah…means to me.

  • Amina

    December 14, 2016

    13. They worked for him as he desired, (making) arches, images, basons as large as reservoirs, and (cooking) cauldrons fixed (in their places): “Work ye, sons of David, with thanks! but few of My servants are grateful!” Surah 34:13

    243. Didst thou not Turn by vision to those who abandoned their homes, though they were thousands (In number), for fear of death? Allah said to them: “Die”: Then He restored them to life. For Allah is full of bounty to mankind, but Most of them are ungrateful. Surah 2:243

    There are many more ayat where Allaah says Most of mankind are in loss, and don’t know. 

     

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    tunis,

    I’d like to hear some positive stories, too; please don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t turn someone away just because they have a nice, positive, happy story.

    I would like the person, however, to let us know how she got there. We know that most women have not grown up in a polygamous societies and have problem adapting to a polygamous life or they grew up in Muslim countries that aren’t accepting of polygamy.  So, how did the happy go lucky person become accepting of it? I mean what did they go through to get them to a place of acceptance. For example, it’s laid out in my book (that is based on a true story).  That is the type of sharing that is beneficial.

    It’s easy for someone to come here and say me and my co-wife gets along really well and we love each other. We’re just as happy as a lark. We love each other for Allah sake.

    Okay?  Let’s hear what you went through, what tests/trials or hardships, or things that you think were punishment etc did you, your husband and the co experience. Because we all get tested and punished.

    For instance, you tunis, came here and shared your story in detail. It’s what I think people who come hear should do to whatever extent they are comfortable in doing so. But, just to say, for instance, me, my co-wife and our hubby love each other and we got it going on in polygamy – what is that? What does it mean? Give us something of substance.

    That’s what support groups are about, based on my knowledge of them.

  • tunis

    December 14, 2016

    BUT…as sister Amina pointed out…..just read UR comment..now…..haha!   .that’s kinda how I WAS  thinking how stories could be shared here….I mean…hopefully that would be the intention upon sharing ones good way of doing things ,as suggestions….thru their examples…well it was a good thought anyway….I still would be interested in hearing some.  And yeah…there has to be away of telling without falling into bragging.    Well..I guess..Ana u’d have to determine that ..

  • tunis

    December 14, 2016

    I m just getting back to the blog…..and I do agree with you Ana….yeah it would sound about like braggin and bloating…..had that afterthought. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif Of course and most assured.. this blog is helpful just the way it is. It is a Godsend!

  • Concerned

    December 14, 2016

    How sad is it that some people lie so much that they cannot tell the difference between fact and fiction. They actully have no idea that they are liars. subhanallah

    AlHamdulilah for Islam, for the guidance, for allowing us to see and hear. 

  • Concerned

    December 14, 2016

    Ana

    From what I understand loving someone for the sake of Allah means you love them because they are a believer/muslim. Allah accepts the muslims and we love what Allah accepts.

    When one says “sake” it doesn’t mean that Allah needs anything from us. Its a literal translation but its easier to understand if one says “I love you for the reward from Allah” 

     

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    or is it not really “love” at all…

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    or is it for the husband’s sake…

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    Amina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Insha Allah, if you come across the ayah, please share it with us, and I’ll do the same. I know it’s in there. Thank you!

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    Now, on a more serious note – I’m not trying to be confrontational or anything like that, but could someone please tell me what it means when someone says that they love some one for the sake of Allah.?

    Some Muslims have said that on this blog, and I, for the life of me, can’t quite understand what it means. If I love someone, I just simply love someone. I love someone because Allah has put that feeling in my heart. When I say it, I feel it. I don’t feel the need to say that it’s for Allah’s sake. I don’t have any control over it, so I can only say I love someone because the feeling is there. I don’t know why Allah placed it there. I know Allah doesn’t need me to love some one as in doing Him a favor, because He doesn’t need anything from me. So, what exactly does it mean when someone say, “I love you for the sake of Allah? Is it for Allah’s sake or the other person’s sake or for their own sake?” Confused face

    I’m asking because I’m confused. I don’t want to start saying something just because a lot of people say it. I need to know the reason for saying that I love someone and have to put “for the sake of Allah” on it.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    Yeah, I got a good laugh too Laughing Hard

  • Amina

    December 14, 2016

    I’m interested in hearing good stories. There has to be a way to tell them without bragging. I know two co wives, that have a great relationship,  when I met them I thought they where bestfriends. I later found out they are co wives. They have a beautiful relationship,  it wasn’t always good, and they still have disagreements or bouts of Jealousy. But the truly love each other for the sake of Allaah. I hope I could attain what they have. Which is putting Allaah first above their desires. 

  • Amina

    December 14, 2016

    I agree Anna, Allaah says Most people are ungrateful and most people are not on the straight path. I will find the ayat. But thanks stupid myslims. You gave me a good laugh and only increased my Faith even more. 

  • saira

    December 14, 2016

    Stupid Muslim 

    so sorry to hear your sad story of you being feeling like doormats 

    my harmons all over now a days but your comment cheer me up lolz

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    stupid myslims’ comment was a good one. It how the masses think. If a Muslim does not think like the majority of the people, the masses, it’s a good sign that he or she is on the right path. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gifAlhumdulliah.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    @stupid myslims,

    Thanks for your comment :-)

  • stupid myslims

    December 14, 2016

    This is true. Your husbands had to go elsewhere because you are lacking. You are all doormats. You are not very intelligent. They got bored. Most men do not need to look elsewhere. Most men do not need to cheat. You are lying to yourselves by claiming that all men are sexually incontinent deceivers. Most men are not like this. The ones you married are, and you enable their bad behaviour. Comfort yourselves with your lies. You have shown your husbands that there is no consequence for their actions. When you get old and ugly they will divorce you. Under Islamic law you will be left with nothing and will have to spend your old age begging for support from your own children, who will resent you for allowing their father to act in this abusive manner, or to you extended family. Good work!

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    If I’m not mistaken, it was umm of2 who said that people probably don’t come to the blog with positive, good stories about their lives in polygamy because they don’t want to be seen as gloating or bragging and boasting when there are so many people here who are in pain. It somewhat makes sense because the blog basically attracts people who are trying to adjust in a polygamous marriage or are trying to accept it. The people who are in good healthy positive polygamous marriages have no need for the blog or are trying to help others by sharing experiences and solutions, or they just read. There was one commentator who was here a couple years ago who used to just brag and boast every day about her life for over a year or more. It’s not the type of person who is helpful.

    Maybe it could be compared to a support group for drug addicts and a normally healthy person who is not a drug addict comes to the group and start talking about how wonderful his or her life is because they’re not addicted to drugs. How helpful is that?

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    tunis, Wa Alaikum As Salam!

    I agree with you, Sis. The labeling by others is a huge problem and women with polygamous husbands are hard on themselves, as well.

  • tunis

    December 14, 2016

    So Fatima 25..continue being a good loving wife for the sake of Allah…..and inshallah your marriage will continue to be blessed.   Subhannallah…I was just thinking other day…it would be nice to hear and have others share their good happy relations within a polygamous marriage with cowives and husband.   We should also focus on the positive.   People only hear the negative..and say .see it’ll never work.   But just like in a monogamous marriage….all must  make effort . Hope I m making sense.

  • tunis

    December 14, 2016

    Asalamu alaikumhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    My thoughts on this…..is the problem stems from, of course, women not being accepting to polygamy as another path of marriage.   So they must label a woman like this…..and it does hurt.   However,..if a husband  cheats..goes to brothel…has mistress….they(those women)…may turn a blind eye…take him back….etc….and/or label him…bad man..etc..hmm?    But a wife who is accepting of polygamy….she is often told this….and in general..a woman says this about herself…oh i give him everything..why he need another.!   I too was told this..when i mentioned this topic to a sister.  

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    Before I became Muslim and got understanding, I used to wonder why so many men “cheated” on some of the most beautiful actresses and models. I now have my answer.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    Amina, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Ditto that!

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    Fatima 25,

    Did the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) marry more women because the other(s) weren’t good enough? Ask those who pose the question to you next time. The Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH) is our example.

  • Amina

    December 14, 2016

    Wa alaykum salaam Sister Fatima,

    That statement isn’t true! You been be an Excellent wife full fill all of your husbands wants and needs, but he would still remarry if he had the desire. This is how Allaah created them. And before Islam men married more than 4 women Allaah changed the number to only 4. I’m a convert to Islaam and even before being Muslim I knew alot of men love being with different women. Look at the most beautiful women the Kuffar love ex Halle Berry. She was cheated on by her ex husband and they’re so many more examples. Just know that this is how Allaah created some men. And their’s is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2016

    Fatima 25, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    welcome to the 411 :-) Thank you much for posting as 25, so we can differentiate between the few Fatimas who are here.

    I’m typing on my phone so this will be brief and to the point. Being a “good wife” or “bad wife” has nothing to do with a husband taking on additional wives. Allah decided that the husbands will do it for His (Allah’s) reason. So, those who think something was wrong with you that your husband needed another wife have lack of knowledge and/or understanding of Islam.

    You thinking that you being a “good wife” helped your husband get another wife is an erroneous belief.It was all as a result of what Allah did and had nothing to do with you. So, you could tell them that the next time people ask.

    Instead of focusing on trying to be a “good wife” to one of Allah’s servants (your husband) try focusing on being the best servant of Allah.

  • Fatima 25

    December 14, 2016

    Assalam alaikum sister,

    I’m a happy wife, I love my husband and cowife dearly. But one comment I face often is “If you were a better wife then your husband wouldn’t have needed to marry again.” Which hurts a lot and is unfair as I am a good wife, my being a good wife was what enabled my husband to marry again alhamdullilah. Ioljjhj

  • tunis

    December 10, 2016

    Dito that !https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2016

    tunis,

    I just read your post. I love it.  It’s so good when we voice our thoughts and we say basically the same thing, but in different ways. It’s so helpful. I love the way you worded it to Karima. I’m so happy Allah gave us all one another https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2016

    Sister Karima,

    It may be a good think that you love your husband less. Polygamy has a way of doing that for a lot of wives. It helps a wife to put love for her husband in it’s proper perspective.

    We are supposed to love Allah more than anything or any body else. A wife should have a moderate love for her husband. If a wife is all head over heels in love with her husband and is thinking about him all the time, where is there room in her heart for Allah?

    We should be constantly remembering Allah. If something else is on our minds other than Allah, it means we aren’t remembering Him. Remember, He says that remembrance of Him is the greatest thing in life without doubt. He says it.

  • Karima

    December 10, 2016

    Sis Tunis I liked ur post thank you! The thing is I hardly love him anymore because of the 7 years of lying n not being honest!  But I will try….

  • tunis

    December 10, 2016

    Wow I just read your new post Ana….’What being a grateful wife means’…thats it! ..https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif..thats what i was feeling  and wanted to say…when i was posting to Karima…..wow..beautiful….and it brings about peace…because its all about Allah.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • tunis

    December 10, 2016

    Dear Karima…i wrote something yesterday..but lost the whole thing..haha..see wasnt meant to be.   Basically just chill…..  You married a muslim man…knowing he could practice polygamy….or u came yo know once hubbys routine began to change.  My point is…u even accept polygamy or u dont…..how ur husbsnd is going about it….he will be accountable b4 Allah…..if he is doing it correctly or adultery….still he AlONE will go to Allah with that.    You are benefitting from him.Right?    .finacially…materialistically… u have ur freedom to do some things…right? ..so enjoy the benefits that come from bring married to him.  He does not abuse u no? Physically..emotionally..? Like Ana says…what he or other do….which seems like they are tormenting you….will be their sin or test.   And this is test for u too. Maybe Allah is trying to show us something about ourselves..especially when things arent crystal clear. That we have focused more on this love and happiness and value to come from Hubby….like almost give give me. instead of going to Allah to give us…to be patient and that HE will make things just.   Because we r married to muslim men…and if u r muslim or not…but have learned polygamy is allowed for them…..then how husband handle it will be witnessed…..yes u do the best u can to get your basic rights..like i mentioned earlier….but the love…..we must ask Allah to keep that love alive between our husbandds and ourselves…..and be and show appreciation for all the good things ur husband does and HAS done.   Start telling him…not like 24/7…but start telling him…just remember what u loved him for in beginning of  ur marriage..or came to love him for . Be thankful and appreciative…show him ..tell him..but do to show Allah ur r thankful what HE gave you thru this man.   SO CHILL SISTER.  I know the feeling.   Enjoy the benefits…  alot of u ladies get to to alot more than i have gotten in my married life…..Allah forgive me….not complaining or envious…..but look what u have or get to do…ur polygamous husband…..and if yeah….they really are unfair….ask Allahs help in that matter to bring about truth and justice….and to provide for you.   He knows when we truly are suffering and when to fix it..I beleive anyhow….so if u r in doubt u pray and ask….but be nice to husband.. try something new again..be sweet to him not for him..just cause you LIKE YOU. YOUR AWESOME!

  • Karima

    December 10, 2016

    I saw them in his gym bag as it wasnt properly closed! I asked him why he took them n he said he found them B accident while he was looking fel Sthng and he had the feeling i was hiding them(true) so he said better take them to his work / office n if I need them he will return them

  • Karima

    December 10, 2016

    This happened some weeks ago not now!!!

  • Karima

    December 10, 2016

    we are not fighting there is truce.  I’m not sure what I feel any more , too much have happened. I need to prepare myself for the unexpected!

    I have the feeling they are married….

    Allah knows and sees everything and he will judge us all

    i can Wish This and that but who knows whats written 

    i try to keep in mind that sometimes we dislike Sthng which is good for us and like

    sthng which is not doing us any good….

     

     

  • Karima

    December 10, 2016

    Slam yes sisAna he took the documents!!!!

    i shall reflect on ur advice

    sis Saira thank you and God bless u. GOd bless all of u

     I have some serious reading to do and reflect and ask for Allah s forgiveness and guidance

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    I’m really curious. Did I understand correctly that your husband left the house with your marriage documents?

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2016

    Sister Karima,

    I agree with what Sis Saira has said to you. You can continue to talk about the situation until the cow jumps over the moon. Right now you’re going round and round in circles about it. Just see them as married and let Allah deal with them. Your husband and the woman are are bent on keeping you in the dark about the status of their relationship. There isn’t much more that you can do. It boils down to accept it or leave. To continue to fight with him won’t resolve the matter. As I said before, a person could only take so much. Keep badgering him and he may get fed up and divorce you. Sometimes there is no turning back. He may divorce you and not be open to reconciliation. If you love him and want to stay in the marriage you need to find a way to acceptance otherwise prepare yourself, as best you can, for a divorce.

  • Saira

    December 10, 2016

    Sister karima

    it must be horrible when the other women send you picture where u got to see your husband with other women barley naked

    i am sure that thing caused you great distress and it making you crazy when ever those images come to your imagination 

    my mother in law told me once that even thinking your husband having sexual relationship with other wife’s is like a poison to your eman (faith)

    the thougt of all this eat you up 

    if your husband handle that things about the other women with you very careful but he handle that very immature way

    all wife’s in polygamy love to hear from our spouse that we are favourite and special 

    truth hurts sometime but human can digest that batter then lie

    i have strong feeling your husband and the other women are married and keeping you in dark just so you don’t create any problem for them 

    how can you believe that women when she contacted you and said all this 

    many women revert just to get married with the man they love 

    do not wish to be divorce as you never know when Allah hear you 

    just accept all this and think they two marrige and close that thougt all togather and try to work out your self, your eman and your eating disorder 

    by doing all this you harming your health 

    if he even start making conversation about that women stop him and ignore him 

    do not discuss her with your husband 

    let Allah deal with them if they are not married or marrige 

    am saying even they are marrige as its not right way to keep you in dark 

     

    let show other women how happy you are 

    and do not give up on your husband 

    think about other women like us in polygamy we have to share husband on daily basis and you get more days with your husband and now going on holidays 

    just think as you are favourite wife and just be happy 

    if all this bother you so much even after doing all this 

    then no point living unhappy marrige life 

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2016

    Sister Karima,

    I suggest that you don’t wish, hope or pray that your husband divorces you. You know the saying, “Be careful what you ask for, as you may just get it.” I doubt that if your husband came home and divorce you, you would just say, Alhumdulliah, and let him go on his merry way. I’m sure you’d have a sh1t fit and go ape crazy.

    If you would be okay with him divorcing you, you wouldn’t be sitting there now in the marriage. You would high tail it out of there not caring about the effect it would have on the children, finances or anything else. Where there is a will there is a way. So, I suggest you stop talking that way.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2016

    Sister Karima,

    Your situation is a prime example of the importance of publicizing marriages. A marriage should be publicized. I definitely see the reason for it. Whether a couple are married should be transparent. It’s to avoid all the type of speculation that surrounds situations such as yours. It stops people from speculating about whether a couple are in a marriage or an adulterous situation. It’s so sad that your husband and that woman are acting in this way leading you to wonder what your husband is doing with the woman. Are they married or not?

    You’re just going to have to accept that you don’t know what it is. If and when Allah wants you to know, you will know. No one could prevent it.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2016

    Sister Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Although you didn’t marry in the country in which you now live, your marriage should still be a legally recognized marriage. The marriage didn’t have to take in the country that you now live. A couple should register the marriage in the country in which they live even if they didn’t marry there. Even if a couple don’t register the marriage in any particular country doesn’t make them not married. They are still married. Registering the marriage pretty much guarantee the many benefits the are given to married couples.

    Okay, so your marriage isn’t registered in the country in which you now live. Are you saying that your husband may have married the woman in a civil ceremony in the country in which you now live and she is recognized as the legal wife?
    If that were to happen in the US, your husband would be in violation of the “bigamy” law and he could be prosecuted for it. There is definitely a law in the US against that type of thing (having two officially registered Marriage License/Certificates); although there is no law on the books about polygamy for which a person could be prosecuted.

    Who knows what is going on with your husband and the other woman. It could be that they are married, but not telling you because they may fear that you will go to the authorities about it. He may fear that you would report that he and you are legally married, but he married another woman legally as well. It could make his 2nd marriage null and void. He knows that you are a ticking time bomb and could go off if you found out that he married her in a civil ceremony legally.

    Did you say that he left your house with your marriage documents? It’s a good way to keep your hands off the evidence.

  • Karima

    December 10, 2016

    rhanx for this blog without u Ana i

    would become crazy

  • Karima

    December 10, 2016

    sorry i sound confusing.  I’m jus wondering are we considered married under European law since the wedding didn’t take place here n we only translated the documents at the official government office??!!!

    i definetely need to speak to a lawyer but even so this whole thing if its a plan of his side this I never saw it coming.

    though the other day he took the marriage papers with him at hiswork, office.

    i realised they were not

    where I had them n his answer was if I need them ask

    him n he’ll bring them

    mind u he is the sweetest most likeable Arab I know.

    but I guess circumstances change us

    and yes I don’t think it’s me who he loves but. It’s ok .

    I. Need to act wisely sisters if there’s a change he d threaten me to take the kids I shouldn’t risk it by saying or showing im on to sthng like leaving him

    i wish he divorced me that would be the easiest way out

    i don’t wish to have drama when it comes t kids 

  • Karima

    December 10, 2016

    Slm so I just realized the wedding civil n religious took place in s gulf country not saudi:) at that time he didn’t have a passport he had residency for that country.  He got a nationality and a passport in the European country we live in.  I have another European nationality.  We did registered the marriage here but it didn’t take place that means we are not even married under eu laws!!! Go figure.  If I want to reach that far then I d say. He married her in the masjid and he could also have married her here with a civil marriage???

    the second wife is not the issue here it used to be but not any more.  She is

    not a Muslim and they both played me. Of

    couarse any time they could say she reverted.  I’m not gonna get wild to Destroy my mental

    health.   We will all

    get. What we deserve on the day of judgement 

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2016

    Since we’re talking about “being grateful” (I think Marah S brought it up) I thought it important that I write a reminder post/thread for us and cyberspace beings about it. Here the link:

    What Being a Grateful Wife Means

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2016

    Sister Karima,

    About your hubz, leave the problem with him and his other there with them. Those two must account for whatever they have got going on.

    When you get into the mix, you become accountable, as well. What’s the saying, “See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil”? Those two are getting enough rope to hang themselves. You reached out. You did your part. Now, just leave it alone as best you can.

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2016

    Sister Karima,

    About you teaching, it’s impressive. It is so cool. I can write, but to be up close and personal, as in a teaching setting, no way Jose. You’ve got it going on. :-)

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2016

    Sister Karima,

    I am happy you’re feeling good today. You sound better. Insha Allah, make your intention to go and enjoy yourself. It’s good to get away. It’s not as though you’ll only be with him. You’ll be with his family and your children. Try to block out the situation with him and just enjoy yourself. Psych yourself up for it. Don’t entertain negative thoughts.

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    my teaching alahmdulellah is going good! I feel Allah is behind this. I left a career in the stage as a performer And now I teach for kids and toddlers.  there are signs that this will work out. I say alahmdulellah and try not to vegetate on this marriage but either don’t care or leave it. Inshallah when It’s the time I will

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    Go figure lol. Alahmdulellah I am good today 

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    husband always denied he cheated in the past n last year always said he doesn’t understand why she is contacting me….

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    I am going for the kids . My young one hasn’t seen her grandma yet. also out of

    repsect for them .  We are not fighting or anything we are cortious to each other.  N he left for work or

    to go to her. He’ll come tomorrow afternoon. I never text or call n he doesn’t either. I’m actually happy he left.   I prayed that I can handle this n not to become sick over it and I submit to what is writtten for me. I don’t want to lose my self over this as Ana you pointed out  Inshallah when I can support myself I’ll leave this unhealthy situation 

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2016

    Karima,

    By your husband not denying what the woman said, in essence it’s as though he admitted to it. People who are lied on usually speak up and say the other person is lying, especially about something as important as “adultery”.

    He must think you are a fool and would believe that he took a woman who is not his wife on his travel so he could simply have a companion with him, despite that you saw a picture of them two together, her in her bra and him bare chested. Yes, he is trying to play you for a fool, if he expects you to believe that.

    I say, if you’re going to go on the trip with him, then make up your mind, make your intention that you WILL enjoy the trip and not just go for show. Why go, if you don’t want to and you and your husband are having so many problems? Are you going in an effort to make him happy? It certainly doesn’t sound that you want to go and be with him and his family or do you? Maybe you simply shouldn’t go.

  • Concerned

    December 9, 2016

    Karima

    Sorry I misunderstood you, sis

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    Sis Marah S

    you might be right. Though i Tell him Thank You and i appreciate etc at times, the fact This woman évery 2-3 months calls upsets me. I mean she said they are together not married n all. He didnt say either Yes to it or no. In fact a year ago after she texted me so much evidencia n a photo he bad to say Es he took her With him on his travel but nothing happened. AnYway there so much n im Sure u are tired of me.  I made my intention inshallah but Allah knows best. We have truce now as we are traveling n inmake effort to be nice n not show unhappy face

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2016

    Amina,

    I can relate when you said that sometimes what you suspected wasn’t what you thought and was in fact innocent. I always feel like such a fool when that happens to me. I repent and vow not to do it again. Although every now and again it still happens. At least it doesn’t happen as often as it used to, which was regularly. I agree that it’s better to be patient and not let Satan get the best of us.

  • Marah S

    December 9, 2016

    karima,

    One of the biggest issues I see is that you are not grateful for what your husband does for you. Yes you are taking care of the kids all day and have your side teaching job and all, but he is also working hard paying all the bills, feeding you and the kids, clothing you and the kids, trying to keep everyone content. He’s probably tired too. You should try to appreciate the things your husband does for you, all the work and effort he puts into taking care of you. Not every man takes care of his family. If you keep on focusing on all the bad things you see in him of course your marriage will never get better. When was the last time you expressed to him genuinely that you appreciate everything he does and all the sacrifices he makes to take care of you? Men want to feel appreciated and needed just like we want to feel appreciated. 

    If you really feel like the issues are too big, you don’t see any good in him, or there’s no way to repair your marriage, than you should make an intention to leave soon. There’s no point on staying in a miserable marriage with a person you don’t love. It’s not healthy for you or him and especially the kids. There is no Islamic reason for anyone to stay in a miserable unhappy marriage, that can not be repaired.

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    Sis Concerned

    u misunderstood ! We didn’t visit his country for the last 3 years and  we are going all of us as a family next week for a month.

    he never said anything to let him Live the western lifestyle n later on he will practice islam. he is praying on and off like me, fasting etc.

     

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    I will reply later to the other sisters

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    Dian Ana I agree jazak Allah kheir may Allah bless you and reward you

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2016

    Dear Sister Karima

    FYI, I put the text conversation in the trash. No need to keep it. It’s a new day?

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2016

    Alhumdulliah. Things will get better. Get some rest. Insha Allah, chat with you later {{{hugs}}} ?

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    My sis Ana thanks for the wise advice yes I mustn’t allow this to

    happen- to lose myself because of him/her.

    im going to pray now- I don’t always do it but it’s always there on my mind I should it and I need it more than ever

    thank you for reading my situation n ur time n effort to say sthng beneficial to move on

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2016

    Oh, I see. I like how you put it without revealing too much :-)

    I don’t know if he married her or not. She said, not. Furthermore, she said she’s not Muslim. I wouldn’t trust what either of them says. You must’nt continue to get caught up in what those two are doing or you’ll lose yourself.

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    we live in Europe . Originally we come

    from somewhere in

    the Mediterranean both of us but different countries and official religions

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    I see what you mean Ana…. so far I was trying to live next to him, ” accepting ” it but with little success

    so do u think he married her and doesn’t tell me straight up because I might get wild???

    or she s in the side?

    she exists we know that she told me on the phone.

    i ll go to the lawyer when we are back

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2016

    I wouldn’t suggest that you go and hug him and apologize if you don’t really mean it. It’s important to be
    sincere about it. When you ask what is it showing him, I don’t quite understand. What did he do?

    He’s got issues that he has to deal with. He has problems. I don’t know how he’s going to resolve the situation that he’s in. Either you stand by him and try to accept the situation or you leave the marriage. You said you can’t leave because of finances and the children. So what is there left for you to do?

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    U think I don’t want to go now to bed hug him n apologise for driving him crazy??? Done that many times before…. but sthng stops me- if i go n do

    this what am I showing to him????  That he can keep being who he is, doing what he does, -and that I’m Ok with it .., or not??? That he can keep getting advantage of me….

    correct me if I’m missing sthng pls

    it seems I really don’t know my husband but I don’t even know myself

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2016

    I didn’t know that you’re not from the US. I suppose it is very difficult to be away from one’s family. I don’t really know what that’s like because my family has always been here nearby. I know that life is complex now trying to raise children a family and take care of her husband working and all is so much and many people are under a great deal of stress.

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    I need to work a lot on myself. The long face is because I’m weak and don’t succeed in achieving my goals it’s not only about him- n not acting as I want him to act n say what I need to hear 

    it’s tough being away from family n my country but then again as Muslim my life there would be more difficult- 

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    I’m not a good wife then for him…. it’s not enough I task care of the house n kids I don’t know how to handle him

    hwk

    to act care free all joyful happy innocent wife.

    ok after 19 years and so many problems how can I???  Honestly I gave up. I tried what I could I did n he chooses to look elsewhere what he s missing from

    here. N I guess he’s keeeping it a secret cause I’ll get wild

    n doesn’t want to lose us? But he is

    not happy with me I guess.  I am not happy either

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    I have a general tired n unhappy face in the house at times but if he comes late when I’m exhausted from all day what does he expect? Every day at the end of it I am

    exhausted with the 2 kids

    being in the city half or more of the day – teaching, running errands, bringing son from kindergarten shopping etc, then xoem

    to do

    the housework cook clean etc. he s not coming not even at 8.30 where i

    can still act somehow joyful. By 10 i am dead everything is hurting I feel like crying many times.  Next day the same. Weekend – Sunday actually we go here n there , Saturday he returns from

    his travel ” work” late afternoon.  

    Soemtiems we go out alone for dinner when I arrange babyszitter.  We do small talk usually but sometimes it seems nice.

    i don’t dare anymore open and discuss anything when I don’t feel well cause my negative serious over thinking interested in Islam and after life will appear n he can’t answer. Sometimes I have enough like what happened on Monday and the volcano erupted 

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    Sisters what he said is true I am indeed At times a negative person that’s what I bring from home that’s what my nature is.  I fight against my self and then negative thoughts every day I can’t seem to see and be happy at times with the blessings in my life.   Though I told him at times I forgive u for what happened- there were times under the 7 years he asked for forgiveness for what he did , being in contact with that woman n all, cried n ask for my help not to contact her or have her contact him.  

    Becasuen I feel played n tricked at times my ego rebells n hate n anger takes over . He must be feeling it n seeing it though at times I try to handle it but sometimes unsuccessful lly.

    you say God will remove his love for Him, the same thing happening here. The love i felt is not there cause there’s no trust n we don’t get each other.

    he asked many times to be kind with him sometimes it’s working but sometimes not when the thoughts come that what a great lier he is n he can get away with it, not answering not explaining not communicating.

    then I can’t be nice or I act nice but obviously he feels

    its  fake. 

    I think I cant forgive n forget n that wil destroy me first of all and what is left from this marriage.  That’s why I’m thinking about divorce now

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2016

    We all do, Sis Karima. You’re not alone. Insha Allah, We’ll all get it together, hopefully before it’s too late. It’s been said that if Allah wants good for us He exposes our faults to us so that we can see them and make an effort to change with His help and permission. Is all good.

  • Karima

    December 9, 2016

    Slm obviously i don’t realize how my behaviour n attitide towards him makes things worse …..I admit what I said about Islam was heavy don’t mean it n tried it to use it against him.  I hope God will forgive me.  I don’t scream or shout or act wildly but I think I talk in a sharp tone to him when I’m on my bad days….I have a lot of work t do on myself I see….

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2016

    The man said stop treating him like he’s an animal. That is heavy!

    Sister Karima, ask Allah to forgive you and help you do better. Allah is a Merciful and Oft-Forgiving God. You’ve got a chance for a fresh start.

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2016

    Allah wants people to worship Him because they wants to not because the person is forced to. Forced worship is useless.

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2016

    Sister Karima,

    I must say that if you and your husband carry on like that without him being polygamous, it would undoubtedly be catastrophic for the three of yous, if he marries another women now. You and he are in a monagamous marriage, although it’s questionable, yet you badger him about getting home later than usual. There are a lot of issues that a couple must overcome in polygamous marriages. I think you are right when you said that you are not cut out for a polygamous marriage.

    You answered your own question about why he won’t tell you what he’s doing out there in the street. He won’t tell you whether he is married to that woman or they are just having an illicit affair. He is not an idiot. Based on the texts, it shows that you fly off the deep end. He would be foolish to sit down and try to talk to you and tell you what he is doing with that woman.

    Dear sister, I hate to say it, but you have an anger management problem. You need to get that addressed and under control. If you don’t pull yourself together, you just might find yourself one day without a husband. A person can only take so much. And if Allah removes the love that your husband has in his heart for you, then you may find yourself all alone. If Allah gives you another husband, he may not be as patient as the one that you have now. And you might find yourself in an abusive situation if he decides to try to discipline you physically in a way that you wouldn’t like.

    Furthermore, you need to keep in mind that no one should be forced to live Islam. Allah says in the Holy Quran there is no compulsion in Islam. Your husband doesn’t have to pray and he doesn’t have to remember or do anything associated with Islam. He’s not living in Saudi Arabia or under isil control. Allah decides who will be Muslim, a Believer or a non-muslim. People learn from example. Let him see you offering your prayers, eating halal food, reading the Quran, trying to control your temper and have a pleasant attitude. It’s what people see and want to emulate.

  • Saira

    December 8, 2016

    Sister karima 

    am sure you know this but one of most favourite thing shaytan (devil) love to do is to cause fight between husband and wife 

    no one respect each other in fight no matter how madly if husband and wife love each other but in fight they like to hurt each other so do not think bad sister 

    just make dua to Allah and try to drink cold water when ever things heated up 

    every one gets good and bad moment 

    try to make your self busy is playing your trip rather then spelling 

    hope things work out for u 

  • Saira

    December 8, 2016

    Sister karima 

    I re read your post few times 

    I would say you both are wrong in your way 

    i don’t know what you guys been talking during fight but one thing does concerns me like sister Ana mention you about Islam 

    i get it your husband not obedient Muslim and it’s frustrating for you 

    if you concerns about that its good thing and if you want him then to Allah then you must focus on your self and turn to Allah 

    huwband and wife do fight but Islam should not be discuss in fight 

    my husband and I am born Muslim and my husband use to skip fajar (morning) prayers and I use to get him up no matter how angry he gets 

    I then start forcing me to go for prayer in mosque and all he does when he is not tired but I start over pressurising him 

    and he flip and then I was told from his mother and one religious scholar that wife is allowed to ask her husband in certain way about religion duties but she should not cross limit as this will make husband frustrated and irritate and best way to teach husband is if I do things which will effect on both of us 

    now Alhamdulih my husband gets up for fajar and even encourage co as well not to skip prayer .

    i am sorry sister karima 

    but I found your faith is not so strong 

    like sister Ana said we becom mini God 

    another day when I spouse to have day off vd my husband I was irritate and sister concerned and sister Anna and another sister advice me I should not do that 

    but I went in my direction and txt my husband in morning to ask when he is coming 

    I put pressure on him indirectly 

    he came and he was in bad mood which proved me that I was wrong 

    he was in bad mood but I kept quite and tried my best to keep my harmonns down lol

    i don’t blame him if he comes home late 

    you should see your self he don’t like all this 

    what if he won’t come at all you won’t have him to fight 

    give him space and work to your Deen 

    am sorry sister if I hurt you 

    but in your msgs a lot to learn for me too 

    I seen my self there too 

    and it’s good idea to share vd us as we all learn from our mistakes 

  • Concerned

    December 8, 2016

    Karima

    I hope you dont take offence to what I say. But I will give my honest opinion. The first thing I noticed was you said sorry and then attacked him over and over. If we are going to be sorry we need to just leave it at that and not take the opportunity to start a new argument. You argued in the morning and then you tx him to start a new argument. 

    If you want him to come home, you have to give him reason to. Who wants to come home to an argument? or even a discussion about something you dont like to talk about. 

    He said hes enjoying this moment till he goes back home in 3 years. This is a common statment amoung some muslims. They will pray when their older, make hajj when their older etc. The dont know if they’re even going to live that long. He has an intention to do as he pleases (whatever Allah wills for him) then when he goes back home he will live bybthe rules of Islam. On the plus side, he does have an intention to act right. He wants you to be patient with him and be happy till he goes home and acts right. Should you? Thats a question you have to answer. He said hes not going to stop his actions and he wont let you “destroy” his moments of living like a non muslim. Theres the answers you were looking for. hes right, hes already told you what he intenteds to do. (Meaning, he told the truth when he said he already told you) An alarming part of the message was he said you wont like the consequences if you carry on. I took it to mean he might divorce you. If he plans to go back home he knows it will be easy to find a new wife. Im thinking thats why he hasn’t married the other woman. He wants a muslims woman, from his background and he wants you to put up with him till hes finished do what he pleases. If you dont, he’ll find a new wife back home. 

    Im not sure I could put up with someone who takes his religion so flippantly. The question is, can you? 

    Are you angry because he disobeys Allah or are you angry because he doesn’t act the way you want him to? When you answer theses questions,you’ll have you answer on weather to divorce or not. My opinion is a woman doesn’t divorce because she doesn’t get her own way, if everything is Islamically correct. If theres no Islam in her marriage that is one reason to divorce. 

    You dont have to prove to your husband that you have friends. Telling a man you dont need him kills the protective feelings he has for you. Even if a woman feels like that, she should make her husband feel wanted and needed to a certain degree. 

    It’s not just that you nag him about the other woman, you nag him about his friends, job etc. You are both taking digs at each others lifestyle……but your both muslim, your lifestyles SHOULD be the same. 

    I suggest you back up off him and decided weather you can sit back and  accept the lifestyle he clearly has not intention of stopping for another 3 years.

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2016

    Allah says in the Holy Quran that a husband is to feed, clothe, shelter, be kind and just to his wives and we’re all supposed to be kind and just with everybody unless the person fight us for our faith. All else is what a wife thinks or want him to do.

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2016

    Everybody wants to be a little mini god. He doesn’t come home when I want him to. He doesn’t answer my questions when I ask him. It’s not about us.

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2016

    If you keep it up, you are going to drive him away from you or drive him to hurt you. He told you to back up off him.

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    I don’t know. Maybe I’m missing something. Another thing I got from the texts is that you nag him a lot. You don’t own him. People do not own other people. He does not have to do what you say and what you want. If he comes home late at night he can do that. Where does it say anywhere in Islam that a husband has to come home to his wife when she wants him to?

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    A major problem that I got from the texts is that you said to him not to make you leave your religion Islam because of his behavior towards you. If you were serious about Islam, and you believed the teachings of the religion, nothing would make you you leave Islam. Non belief in Islam makes people leave it, if they ever had it. If you are in Islam only because he is Muslim then of course, if you and he split up and go your separate ways you will leave Islam as well. It seems the only reason you are part of Islam is because he is. That is what became apparent to me. You shouldn’t use Islam in order to get your way.

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back.

  • Karima

    December 8, 2016

    Sis Amina

    i can totally relate thank you

  • Amina

    December 8, 2016

    Sis Karima, 

    I think I read previously,  that you’re going on vacation to see his family, and he said it in the messages.  I know it’s way easier said then done, but if you are going on vacation with him. Try to enjoy it the best you can. Let him enjoy the time with his family. And you can try to enjoy the time away also for yourself. Maybe Allaah will open up a way to find out why he’s been coming home late.

    When I assumed things about my husband, and was patient with my emotions. Allaah would expose what the truth was. And some of the time the issue was innocent and in some cases my suspicions were right, but I learned that it’s better to be patient. And not let the Shaytaan get the best of you. Especially if the end result is the same, arguing and fighting. Going through the same cycle with no real solution. 

  • Karima

    December 8, 2016

    Sis Amina

    God bless You all u said is true….

  • Amina

    December 8, 2016

    Sis Karima, 

    I pray things get better for you.

    I don’t know your whole background,  so I can’t much help. I do notice your husband said somethings my husband has mentioned about me. My husband always says I don’t know how to Handle him, and he’s easy, and I should say things in a better manner. SubhnAllaah. I guess maybe as a wife we should bring matters to our husbands in a more gentle way because they take it as nagging or being ungrateful. I do remember when I was more sweet and kind to my husband i  got better results out of him. 

    But it’s hard being gentle when you feel you’re not receiving the love or respect you want. Some men think if they give you your rights regarding food, clothing,  shelter then that’s good enough,  you shouldn’t complain. Allaah knows best. Sorry if  I’m speaking with much knowledge on your situation. 

  • Karima

    December 8, 2016

    Sis Ana enjoy Your evening xxx

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2016

    Sister Karima, I’m out now and will be out till later this evening. I’m hoping some others here could help you out right now. I’ll have my phone with me so I can approve the posts.

  • Karima

    December 8, 2016

    N we dont scream every morning by the way in front of the kids! He mistyped that. Sometimes but Very rarely Like Very couple of months n only if i start nagging him

  • Karima

    December 8, 2016

    but i guess i dont realise that i have an annoying áttitude dont know how to talk to him n handle him as he says….

  • Karima

    December 8, 2016

    mind u i didnt mention the other woman or ACCused him of cheating n lying

  • Umm of2

    December 7, 2016

    As salaamu alaikum all. 

    Jasmina and sis Ana I wanted to weigh in on some posts a week or two ago from you guys about when reading Holy Quran and understanding it, how it begins to synchronise with what’s happening in the world around you it’s miraculous and happens to me quite often. Allah is so Kind , the Clement 

    May we all continue to worship Allah the way we’re supposed to and remember Him throughout our daily tests and trials. Never lose focus of Allah. He is the All knowing, the Most Gracious https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2016

    Sis Amina,

    We all need to do better. I know I do.  May Allah bless, guide, help and protect us all https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Amina

    December 7, 2016

    This is true. I haven’t always been a good muslimah or wife. So maybe this is from my own hands. I can’t really blame anyone I just have to do better…

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2016

    I meant to say there isn’t much you can do about his insensitivity. I will change it.

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2016

    Amina,

    If he’s insensitive then there’s not much you could do about it. I could see how you would be frustrated with the things that he does. There isn’t much that you can do about him and his insensitivity.

    A person can’t be sensitive or try to be more sensitive when it’s not in his heart. Sensitivity and compassion are not something that a person learns. Allah places sensitivity and compassion in some people’s heart and not in others. Allah places compassion and sensitivity into the hearts of the believers.

    Perhaps Allah will have you leave the marriage and maybe give you a husband who is sensitive and compassionate. Just make sure you’re doing the right thing to deserve it, as Allah is a Just God. We get every good that we earn and suffer every evil or bad that we earn.

  • Amina

    December 7, 2016

    The main issue is him being insensitive,  and not being there for me the times I needed him the most. One example is when our Son was in the hospital he didn’t come visit.  Not Once!

    When I had two of our children he didn’t come to the hospital or pick us up. My Sister had to do it. I was a victim of a hate crime, and he didn’t support emotionally by asking me how I felt if I was ok. He seemed unbothered. 

    Now, I will say I’ve hurt him also I’m not 100% innocent. I wish I were, but I think his lack of love and emotional support led me to lose love/respect for him, but for some reason we’ve stayed together. And each year things get worst!!!

     

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2016

    Sister Amina,

    If you don’t mind me asking, what seems to be some of the issues. Did you two just grow apart, fall out of love or something? What does he say the problem(s) is?

  • Amina

    December 7, 2016

    Thanks Sister Ana,

    My emotions are all over the place right now.

    One moment I’m angry, hurt ,and sad the next I feel strongly enough to deal with being in an unhealthy relationship. I rationalize all the time. My situation isn’t where he’s physically or verbally abusive. I’m able to stay home with my children.  I try to look at the blessings, but it hurts me that we don’t have a good/loving relationship.

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2016

    Amina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m happy you’re still here with us https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif but sorry to hear that you are unhappy in your marriage https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif What you said about leaving is similar to what Karima said.

    I pray Allah grants you ease, too.

    We’re all so used to rationalizing about everything. We speculate about why things are the way that they are. We all do it. I want to get to the point where I don’t do that any longer. Unless something is absolutely clear to me, I don’t want to guess. It’s a goal of mine.

    There are ayat (verses) in the Quran in which Allah says the meanings won’t be clear to us. Only Allah and those whom He gives understanding will know the meaning of some of the ayat in the Quran. He says about those ayat in which the meaning is unclear to us, leave them alone and go with the ones that are clear.  So when we don’t understand, then it may be that we’re suppose to leave it alone until Allah gives us understanding.

    It’s sought of like when the other sister was here (I can’t remember her name) and she wanted to talk about concubines and those “whom the right hand possess”. It’s an example of what to leave alone. She wasn’t going to have any concubines. If her husband had any or wanted some, it’s his problem to figure out. We start speculating and guessing for what? It only hurts our soul.

    Okay, back to what you were discussing. You stated, someone said that when you’re fed up, you’ll leave the marriage and nothing would matter. Although she may not know it, it’s code for when Allah decides it’s time for you to leave the marriage, it will be easy for you to go and you will have no doubt. Insha Allah, you’ll get to steppin and be happy as a lark, feeling free as a bird.

    Wives spend so much time making excuses and rationalizing, but they may one day realize that Allah is in control of ALL things.  In essence, He calls the shots. He pulls the strings.

    A sister name “Lynn” (with the baby face gravatar) used to be here and her husband said to her that we are like puppets on a string and Allah is pulling those strings making those puppets move. We are like actors in a movie and Allah is the Director. It was soooo heavy. I’ll never forget the analogies.

    So, yeah, Amina, when it’s time for you to make that move, you’ll know it. Till then relieve yourself of that mental burden that you’re placing on yourself. It’ll all work out. Try to take it easy https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

     

  • Amina

    December 7, 2016

    Salaam Sisters, 

    I’ve been catching up on some of the posts.

    I pray Allaah grants everyone ease, who’s facing difficultyin their lives ameen.

    I’m Very unhappy in my marriage and it’s not because of polygamy. We’ve had problems for years. We also have children together, and I have made that statement I’m only staying for the children,  and so has he.  Some days I believe this statement,  and other days I feel it’s a cop out because I don’t have a good income, and my husband may fight me for the children.  Someone once told me when I’m fed up I’ll leave, nothing will matter. 

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    You don’t owe us or anyone a reason for why you stay or will leave your marriage. Just be true to yourself. You’ve got to make your intention to do what you think is best for you. We all (me included) sit where ever we are and pass judgement on your and everybody’s lives, but it means nothing. Only Allah knows what is the best for each and everyone of us.

    Make your intentions and do what you need to do. Again, you can’t leave your marriage until or unless Allah wills it, anyhow. We always talk as though we know the reasons for our actions. We’re just guessing most of the time.

    You say you would leave immediately if you were financially stable. Allah knows best. Your best bet is just to say you’re still in it because it’s where Allah wants you to be right now. It couldn’t be any other way right now because it is what it is. It doesn’t mean that you vegetate or give up or do nothing. Keep doing what you do. Do your part. Try to be the best that you can be and go with the flow. It will all unfold. You could do it stress and worry free. Worrying doesn’t do anything but make one sick and old quickly.

  • Karima

    December 7, 2016

    Slam and thanks Ummof4

    if was financially stable I would leave immediately but I am not. Started working on it past 2 months n though I’m stressed n worried I have to keep working on it and not to give up. 

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2016

    YEP, I remember that one too – “my eyes are watering.” Lol That takes me way back, reminiscing. The things that we forget…

  • Concerned

    December 7, 2016

    Glad I could make you smile, AlHamdulilah. 

    My husband is too funny. He says “oh, my eyes are watering” im like “bab,they’re called tears” he says “yeah, water”. 

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2016

    That “I have something in my eye” made me chuckle. It reminded me of when I was a kid. I’d say, ” I have something in my eye” when I was crying and I didn’t want anyone to know it. LOL

    It was sad about the dying child. I just can’t imagine.

  • Concerned

    December 7, 2016

    To tell her mother. Missed an entire word out. 

  • Concerned

    December 7, 2016

    Oh I know, it should only take to watch the news or something similar. The other day I was trying to read a paragraph to my husband about an 11 year old girl who died, the dr couldn’t bring himself to tell her. He worked on her for over an hour. I was in tears before I reached the end, my husband had something in his eye (he cried too) 

  • Concerned

    December 7, 2016

    And thats the sad truth https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2016

    Each and every one of us on this blog probably have everything that we need. We may not have everything that we want. But we have way more than a whole lot of other people out there. I think about the men, women and children in Mosul, Iraq who are fearful that they will be killed any minute now. We truly should be grateful to Allah, as you reminded us in your previous post. ?

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2016

    But, instead, we want things when we want it and how we want it, as though we’re entitled. It’s all about personal desires and wanting to get them fulfilled, sometimes by any means necessary ?

  • Concerned

    December 7, 2016

    As you mention it Ana. The prophets are the best of all people and went through some REAL tough times. If anything we should expect tougher tests and trials. 

     

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2016

    The prophets of Allah are our examples. They are examples for all of us. Our lives are not going to be the exact same as theirs. The point is to learn their stories and learn the lessons from them. Then we should tailor the message to our lives.

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2016

    Many women are known to hide behind kids as an excuse for not leaving a bad marriage. Many men and women divorce who have children, as you said Ummof4.

    The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was an orphan, which speaks volume. People speak about dysfunctional families. They think a person’s life is supposed to be about the husband, wife and children as one big happy monogamous family. The mere fact that the prophet Muhammad was an orphan tells us that there is no “Norm”. Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2016

    Ummof4, wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    What a beautiful post you wrote that’s soooo very true and important. It didn’t come to my mind. I’m so glad you broached the topic from that perspective.

    Many of the women who think they stay married and miserable for the kids don’t realize what a disservice they are doing to themselves and the kids.

    Allah knows what He’s doing. He says divorce is permissible. He’s Kind, Loving, Merciful and much more.

    I wàs always suspect of the women who say that they stay in a bad marriage or one that they are unhappy in for the kids. I always saw it as an excuse for not acting. They blame it on the kids to justify staying in the marriage when in truth they don’t have it within themselves to leave or are fearful to leave etc

  • ummof4

    December 7, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Fatima, I agree with Ana.  You should not say or do anything about your husband’s other wife disrespecting or abusing him.  That’s their issue, not yours.  Please stay out of it.  If your husband attempts to complain to you, tell him you don’t want to get into their marriage and change the subject to your marriage with him.  

    On another note, often the sisters on this blog make statements that if they get a divorce, their children will be messed up forever, so they need to stay married and miserable.  To the contrary, children who grow up in homes where their parents do not like each other and are miserable, know that their parents are miserable.  Even if they do not argue or fight in front of the children, the children can still know that their parents do not want to be in the marriage.  These children often grow up thinking is not supposed to be a pleasant experience, just something to be tolerated.  

    On the other hand, when two people decide that they do not need to stay married and divorce on good terms, the children are usually well-adjusted,  Even if they have to go from house to house, they know that they are loved in both homes and that their parents do not hate each other and work as a team regarding their joint children.   These children grow up thinking that marriage and divorce are both permissible in Islam and understand the ayats concerning the beauty of marriage and how to divorce in a correct manner.  Even if their parents remarry, they do not hate their stepparents if their parents chose a new spouse who is striving to please Allah.

    May we all worship Allah in the proper manner, whether single, married, divorced, or widowed.  May Allah guide us to do the right thing for our own souls and for the souls of our spouses, ex-spouses, and children.

  • Concerned

    December 7, 2016

    Saira

    Aww, Its normal to get stuck in late pregnancy. I had my husband say “come on fat ass” he said it jokingly and he does appreciate some junk in the trunk, but I was NOT laughing, in fact I cried, to make matters worse one of my children asked why I was upset, The other said ‘cuz dad said come on fat butt’ (they’re not allowed to say ass) he hugged me and said “its ok mom, your not that fat, just a little bit” the male sex has no idea how to speak to pregnant women. I can laugh now cuz I know it was just hormones. Your gonna be fine, hang in there, it will all be over soon. 

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2016

    Sis Saira,

    What you said reminded me of my older sister when she was pregnant. She had a similar experience. She called me while so upset. She said she was trying to be romantic with hrr husband and he said “come here, my whale.” She didn’t think it was funny, but he was laughing. It hurt her feelings. He was just playing with her. I was laughing when she told me about it. Men will be men. They don’t know any better lol

  • Saira

    December 7, 2016

    Sister Ana 

    i don’t mind you laugh other day I read prayer and I try to sit back and I ended up stuck there and hubby came and said whale is stuck ?

    My sister send me some nice Asian cloths and I loved it but when I saw size I called her fight vd her that she made so big and what she think I am fat 

    and two weeks after I tried those cloths and I only fit those she send

    other day I got stuck in car seat where I cudnt bend to get up 

    can’t w8 to loose weight and get back normal 

     

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    I’m not laughing about what you’re experiencing emotionally, but about your transformation. The way you said it is somehow funny to me.

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Sister Saira,

    You gave me a big laugh. To go from the tiny person that you were to a sixteen must be traumatic for you LOL I imagine you are going through a psychological and emotional thing. I’m sorry, but it’s humorous to me. Do you have any hemorrhoids hanging out LOL. Please don’t answer. It’s too much information lol

  • Umm of2

    December 6, 2016

    Saira yep you can blame the pregnancy hormones. 

    Cut your hubby some slack it seems he’s being pulled in all directions wives,kids, picking them from school, schedules, days off. Give him some time to himself before he explodes. Try not to cause an issue where their isn’t one. You’re doing great.

    My step son ( co’s son) is crazy about cars like that too lol

     

    Allah is Great :)

  • Saira

    December 6, 2016

    JazakAllah sister Ana 

    i am so messed up sometime sitting crying and being moody yet I don’t know the reason 

    sometime I feel like I want him vd me and sometime I feel opposite 

    just hate being stuck in big tummy 

    went last week and got size 16 dress and that one is too small around waist 

    I am still skinny but getting huge around waist is so sick 

    nothing is so cool about being pregnant 

    i can’t sleep on my stomach and I feel like zoombie 

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Sister Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s probably just your pregnancy hormones messing with you. Women are known to go a little bit batty when they’re pregnant. I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about.

    About your husband and his car shows, I suggest you let him be about it. It’s nice that he has something that he is passionate about besides his family. Men need activity outside their wives, children and work to help them relax. Polygamous husbands have a lot on their plate. They need an outlet to help them decompress and relax.

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Fatima,

    I’m assuming you’re a new “Fatima” here. There were a few here, so I get confused sometimes about which Fatima is which. If you are new, welcome :-)

    About what to do if your co-wife is openly disrespecting and emotionally hurting your husband, I’d say leave her alone. She’s not directly physically hurting you. If your husband is hurt, why can’t he defend himself? Allah in the Holy Quran tells men what to do when they have problems with their wives. Your husband should take those measures to remedy the situation. He a big boy and should be able to handle himself. If he’s being emotionally hurt, he should do something about it. You don’t need to.

  • Saira

    December 6, 2016

    Sister concerned 

    MashaAllah reading your comments all full of wisdom and show strong personality 

    hubby got so much going on but I hated it 

    he invole so much his time to his car show and alway worry he need to wash and clean his car after a run 

    its his passion but now a days am hatting it so much 

    he is moving out and need to find or buy house for other family and non stop busy looking for houses and so many appointments every other day 

    I just hate every thing now a days 

    don’t know if it’s my pregnancy pain or what 

    I see he is trying to make up vd everything and vd every one still I just hate it 

    in top of that he will take me to visit his mum and saying he will drop me for wee while and I just hate it if he left me and spend all day running around doing his appointment and pick and drop 

    I hardly get day off and same day our night and he seems too busy 

    will c what tomorrow will bring 

    keep making dua that Allah give me sabar and make me calm 

    i wish I can sometime feel like sis karima and look forward to every Friday lol

     

     

     

  • Saira

    December 6, 2016

    Salam every one 

    I don’t know why I been feeling low past few days 

    I been going vd hubby to his work place sometime for my appointment and ended up spending all eveing in his shop and come back home tired 

    haven’t been able to cook from many days so in my night we eat from out side 

    I got up set other night hubby should have eat vd me and he came and said he ate as kids were eating so he had vd them I was so in mood I started crying 

    he then l8r said he will do it next time 

    he has some car show to go to and he said he will leave early as possible and he was off next day as it was co off day 

    he txt me he been doing his car all day which he does and then he had to go drop his car some where and I needed to go for grocery he drop me and pick me up in eveing and he left 

    he said co was unhappy as he been busy all day 

    well I said to him it’s not my fault he left from mine so early 

    now tomorrow my day off is coming and he is already saying he got one appinmet and l8r he need to take me in hospital and saying he wants to go pick up kids from school too 

    today he was away for his car thing and I cover his shift all day and he took me out for meal 

    and was telling me his plan 

    I got feeling I will cause fight tomorrow 

    I let him drop kids to school every morning and just one day off I want to spend for my self and he telling me his plan making me crazy 

    is it just me being u greatful or my pregnancy harmonns making me feel that way 

    I just don’t want to spoil tomorrow which I can’t see he will make good 

    I already txt him that I will take Keyes out from door but if he came afternoon time I don’t know how I will keep my cool 

    plz advice me I am feeling so bad 

  • Tunis

    December 6, 2016

    Concerned.. Wow!  I too love that analogy  you gave Karima..and  thanks for taking the time sharing your UPliftng words to me…..and all the while dying sick with that flu.??? whoa..girl…your name suits you well… but we be concerning about you now, girl…Inshallah you get well soon. Gotta love that smiley face…..lol !  Hope u feelin better soon.

  • Fatima

    December 6, 2016

    Any advice on what to do if your cowife is opening disrespecting and emotionally hurting your husband? Allah hu alim. 

  • Karima

    December 6, 2016

    Concerned thanks for the analogy thing I appreciate it. jasmina I thank u too. I appreciate all of u

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Sister Karima,

    I can believe it. After being on this blog for 8 years come February, I can believe anything. What’s the saying, “I need to laugh to keep from crying” Red Neck Laughing

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Concerned,

    All except the having the flu part sounds heavenly. I can get with no cooking, rest and peace.Toothless Chuckle

  • Karima

    December 6, 2016

    the last think u said that you won’t think of me negatively no matter what the outcome

    will be. Means a lot to me thank you!!!!

  • Karima

    December 6, 2016

    Ana Dear Thanks:) only in january ill

    visit the attorney once we are back

    i mentioned that she contacted me 2 months ago the day I launched my teaching class n she must saw the announcements on fb. Anyway she contacted me again 1 month ago but totally forgot about that.  We were in the car parked in tha gas station n I was alone in the car with the kids. I noticed I received a missed called n when n when I called back it was disconnected! Then I see in h s car screen the same number giving him a missed called. I realized it was her n confronted him. He said from where she found my number again? I told him it’s public on fb due to my classes n I had to change number twice because of her n I’m sick n tired of it. At the beginning he said it’s not her but then he admitted it! ! Can u believe it? How many lies??? We were about to visit another city 3 hours away. N he turned things around n just said great , great what  great time we will have again like this. As if it’s my fault!!! Can u believe it! I just said I plan to have a great time with my kids so don’t worry I want have a long face or open the subject again. Can u believe it???

  • Concerned

    December 6, 2016

    Ana

    Thank you. Iv had some time to sit and contemplate. Since im dying of the flu lol,  my husband took all the kids to cos so I dont have to cook and get some rest and peace.

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Concerned,

    You be spitting knowledge. You go girl! :-)

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Karima,

    If you do consult with an attorney, when you come home leave something out in the open at your home, from the attorney or his or her office, for your husband to see. For instance, if the attorney drafts a letter to you outlining what you discussed or his or her fees, leave the letter laying around someplace for your husband to see. Don’t make it obvious that you want him to see it. If you only have the attorney’s business card, leave it. You want your husband to see it so he knows you are serious about maybe leaving the marriage. It’ll give him something to think about. Speaking with an attorney should make you feel better, even if you don’t go for a divorce. It always feels good to know we don’t need to feel stuck.

    I don’t want you to think we are pressuring you to leave your husband or will think negatively of you if you don’t. It’s a personal decision for you that ultimately Allah makes. Don’t make haste. Get your inspiration from Allah as to what the best course of action is. Most importantly, keep turning to and remembering Allah, so He will guide and help you.

  • Concerned

    December 6, 2016

    Ana

    Absolutely, https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Concerned,

    I like the analogy that you gave Karima. It’ works with our Islamic philosophy that if one mixes truth with falsehood, it is all falsehood. Furthermore, if the heart is impure, no light can come into it.

  • Karima

    December 6, 2016

    Ana Dear she is not muslim and she s more THan 60 years old but she loves H .sometimes they do business together but loves me More she sAys….who knows? Either way she gave me good advice i believe so n keeps calling to make Sure im well n thats sweet of her alhamdulellah 

  • Concerned

    December 6, 2016

    Karima

    I heard a good analogy once. Imagine a glass jar, the jar is full to the brim with dirty water, you need to fill the jar with clean water. How can you do this? If you tip only a little water out, when you put clean water in, it will mix with the dirty and your back at square one. You need to tip all the dirty water out, clean the jar and fill it with only clean water. 

    So imagine the jar is your heart and over the years it has been filled with wants, desires, expectations and the love of worldly things. You need to empty the heart of all the bad and fill it to the brim with good. So dont feel sad that because your husband and the other woman ’emptied’ your heart of love for him and expectations. They did you a favour, now you can fill your heart with all the good things, in shaa Allaah. 

     

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    I like very much what the lady said to you. She summed it up in a nutshell. It boils down to put up or shut up, as the saying go. You don’t want to remain in a state that is harming your health and well-being.

  • Concerned

    December 6, 2016

    Tunis

    Im thinking this is your time to shine to completely devote time, thoughts and energy on the religion. Being a wife and mother is tough, someone always needs your help, advice etc. Your husband has a new wife and some, if not all your children are grown are grown. I understand you dont want yout family to split but if you chase two rabbit’s one of them gets away. You need to let your children and husband know that your intention is to live out your days concentrating on Allah and Allah only. Tell them your not going to divorce and you hope they (your children) will support you as you have supported them over the years. 

    Yes, life is indeed a struggle. There is an ideal that non muslims strive for. That is to prepare for old age financially so they can sit on a beach, feet up and drink in hand. Its rubbish, a muslim prepares for death,so if/when a muslim reaches jannah they can sit looking at the beauty of Allahs creation,feet up, drink in hand. We must struggle and strive all the way to the grave. So keep stiving, keep going. 

    Saira

    I bet it felt real good to not have to go through your husbands phone. Its a big achievement for a woman in polygamy, AlHamdulilah. I remember tying soooo hard,that if I had a moment where the opportunity to look though his phone was there and I resisted. Id go take his phone to him, if he was asleep id put it under his pillow (so I couldn’t give into temptations) . I wasn’t sure how long id be able to stay away so I took precautions lol. alhamdulilah, now I dont even think about where his phone is or whats in it. Its what i saying that things that used to bother me or I used to care about disappeared. It what happends when one is focused on the ultimate goal of jannah. 

  • Karima

    December 6, 2016

    Slm

    i actually cannot wait for Friday night to come so he can leave n I can do my stuff, cleaning at night or whatever n next Day morning go to teach With my kids all of us:) then go to the masjid With the kids if possible. N then he comes n the happy family thing continues.  Sometimes it is really happy time others im faking it.  !but i harDly Cry anymore at Friday nights as it is what it is n i love him Very little.  he húrt me she húrt me and killed my love

    had to confide to an older lady so she can help me get an áttorney once we are back

    she said either u accept it swollow it but stop crying n complaing n getting depressed n sick over it or u divorce n become independent. It will be hard she said but i have to decide what i want….

     

  • Tunis

    December 6, 2016

    Just struggling..but life has its trials and tribulations..Allah says. Its a new challenge and another chance.  Yes?

  • Tunis

    December 6, 2016

    I wanna thank all you sisters here..for your insightful ..honest ..heartfelt..and even truthful straightforward frank advice.  I wanna get to that place….and be confident in my conviction.  And thats what scares me…

    I guess I have been asking things because I  want to do the right thing before Allah  as we all do here…I pray and read..and ask Allah for strength and patience. I dont really want to divorce…  I just want my family not to tear apart…..but things happen for a reason. Yes?  I m not ungreatful….at least I hope I m not b4 Allah….thats what I m afraid of.  My children do not see what I see….and i think thats the battle i keep fighting…to make them see.  I will stand alone B4 Allah….my kids will not be standing next to me.

    Thanks and God bless all you ladies.!

    I love you all and big hugs to all who have supported and advised me.

    Sounds like im going away….no way…haha….aint going now..love this blog.

  • Saira

    December 6, 2016

    Aslamu Alaykum all 

    sisters karima 

    wow 7 years long time and you been on rock and not knowing about your husband on off affair 

    I don’t think you hate polygamy as you already been sharing your husband 

    if he was practicing Muslim thinks would have been diffrent with you 

    that is another thing that your husband thinks you won’t accept polygamy of you find out they married and he tells you little about his affair 

    he is already hurting you 

    traveling every weekend and you think he is vd her when go for travel 

    May Allah give you strength sister 

    from your post I can see you love your husband 

    I can’t imagine when your husband goes away what you must be feeling 

    if you know like your husband away to see his other wife for a day and will give you your day as well 

    am sure you will have some peace in mind 

    if something bother me so much about my husband I can not sleep at all and feel like zoombie and in the end I asked him to give me his phone so I check or most of time he hand me his phone over or make calls in front of me to give me clarification 

    in past if something really bothers me I usto check his phone and tell him in morning

    but some how Allah changed my heart and I don’t have to do that 

    I simply ask him up front now and 

    there was one his old friend kept chatting vd him my mind was all over and I can’t imagine how u much be feeling 

    be  brave sister look after your self and try to over come with eating disorder and join gym  and make your self healthy 

    turn to Allah 

  • Jasmina

    December 6, 2016

    Karima

    you are actually handling it very well. I’ve gone psycho crazy on my husband at times that he thought I lost it lol. Sometimes I wondered it I had gone mad too. Lol polygamy does that to you. Some people think that just because you accept that we will all react in a righteous way however for me it’s taken time for me to act righteous on some elements of polygamy because for many others I’m still working hard to improve. It makes it a hundre times worse when the men don’t do it properly, that hurts the most and it’s what you are experiencing. Regardless of polygamy the fact is that your husband shares his life with another woman and married or not the pain is the same to a certain extent. For me married is easier to handle because we must contain ourselves. But not married I couldn’t handle it, I’d be knocking on her door and ripping her hair out and slashing her a few making sure she stays right away from my husband. who on earth thinks she could have my husband just like that like an easy tramp no way and I’d be giving him hell on earth he’d probably leave me anyway lol. Please don’t do this tho, I’m just saying u are doing very well compared to others such as me.

     

  • Jasmina

    December 6, 2016

    Haha yes a bit of humor to lighten things up! 

  • Karima

    December 6, 2016

    Sis Ana

    we married in his country but we registered the marriage in Europe so I’m the official wife alahmdulellah for that

     

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Alhumdulliah, Karima ?

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    I love you, too, Sis Karima ?

  • Karima

    December 6, 2016

    i prayed n feel a bit better Alhamdulellah 

    n read some Quran too

    i feel like a sinner full of doubts on the polygamy issue but I pray God will not keep me deaf dumb n blind

    i undrstand is the Hearafter that matters

  • Karima

    December 6, 2016

    Sis Ana I love you sooooo much and all of you on this blog

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    Seven years is an awfully long time to deal with your husband’s behavior, demanding answers from him, and getting none.

    You’ll know when and if it’s time to get out of Dodge. When it’s meant to be, it will happen. In the mean time, make your intentions and get your ducks in a row. Get yourself strong.

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Karima,

    I don’t think you hurt anyone here. Furthermore, what you’re dealing with is not polygamy anyhow. The woman that your husband is involved with is not Muslim, nor are they married. It’s a different animal.

  • Umm of2

    December 6, 2016

    Concerned I love your post. I’m going to copy and paste it InshaAllah into my notes. MashaAllah definitely something to ponder on. We think we are going to grow old but it’s not certain we can die any given time. Are our affairs in order, are our hearts pure etc. 

    Jasmina I was laughing so much reading your post about mena concerned split personality it really did seem like two different ppl lol. Mena just wasn’t sitting well with any of us https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gifBut it’s all good now. I enjoy concerned’s company 

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Dear Sis Karima,

    I know you’re going through a lot, and it is not easy for you right now. As I stated, don’t stress out, and take one day at a time.

    It’s not a sin to see an attorney. I don’t know what country you live in or whether your marriage is legal as in a marriage license. If you have a marriage license, then you will of course need an attorney to deal with the laws associated with a divorce. If you have an Islamic marriage only, you should probably go to the Masjid and speak with someone there about it.

    I wouldn’t suggest that you simply pack and leave without informing your husband. You need to mutually consult with him about the situation. I would only tell someone to leave without telling her husband, if her life was in danger, if she were fleeing from a domestic violence situation, for example.

    Insha Allah, you will be okay on your vacation, Karima, because there’ll be other people there to distract from you having to pay attention to your husband.

    Don’t worry about how you sound to us.We understand that you are going through a lot. It’s all overwhelming for you; I’m sure. But you will be okay in time. Keep turning to Allah for His help and guidance.

  • Karima

    December 6, 2016

    i meant I don’t check mobile

  • Karima

    December 6, 2016

    Ana I’m sorry if my attitude towards H is not  correct.  So it’s his right to marry but he promised he wouldn’t do it on our wedding day. Of course it was wrong we are not God to know what future brings.

    even now if he came and said the truth in my face i would try n make it work.

    But what we have now it’s not working. The unofficial thing that he comes every night at 10 n he could be with friends or her and the fact every Friday night till Saturday afternoon is away traveling or with her is unclear. Im going after mobile I don’t check but it hurts

    weare not a team. When it comes to kids yes but we are not what I would like as to be

    n it sad sometimes less sometimes devastated

  • Concerned

    December 6, 2016

    Ana 

    Its fine https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Karima

    December 6, 2016

    Sis Ana

    i appreciate what You wrote. For 7 years im trying . Yes at the beginning i was living in denial. But its been almost 2!years she started conctacting me. the Last 1 year more often.  H is a good person but i dont understand him anymore. It could be hes here only for the kids as i am too. But This cant go on cause im Being played.

    im sorry if i húrt anyone of u im sorry if it seems i can accept polygamy but deep down i cant-!sorry This woman behaviour towards me upsets n hurts me

    is it a sín to go a see the lawyer? Can I pack n go without informing H? After we return from his family. Have no clue how I’ll survive 1 month there

    is there a chance that the kids after. A possible divorce will  be well or for sure they ll be f****d up????

    i know I sound chaotic that’s how my soul is at the moment . May God forgive me

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Concerned,

    You’re doing really good, sister. I apologize for having banned and for not having exercised more patience.⚘

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Dear Sister Karima,

    I think it’s an excellent idea that you go and consult an attorney about your options. You have real estate, child support and alimony etc that needs to be addressed. Talking to an attorney is good, if only to find out where you stand. Take one day at a time and don’t stress yourself out. You’re doing really good.

  • Concerned

    December 6, 2016

    Jasmina

    Yes, mena and concerned are both me. mena got banned and the name would go into spam. so I changed it, to get a comment though after Ana unbanned me.

    Lol, I dont have a split personalitie. Im not perfect and still have some work to do on my heart. you all get to see my strengths and weaknesses. I dont portray myself to be a rightous super muslim when im not. I am trying though. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    I think concerned, the stronger personality and kinder one, took over Mena lol

    Concerned,

    I pray you feel better soon :-)

  • Karima

    December 6, 2016

    Jasmina

    im not in denial. I know they are together.  She said it on the phone. She refused they are married cause maybe he told her that. Or its an affair. I know i have to make a decision. This marriage is dragging me down at the moment. January we come back n i decided to go n see a lawyer n see what are my options

  • Jasmina

    December 6, 2016

    I’m sorry but is Mena and Concerned the same person? I hope u don’t mind me saying so but if so they/she have a split personality. Mena is mean and Concerned is so nice and full of wisdom. Lol. Sorry in advance.

  • Jasmina

    December 6, 2016

    Karima

    i read your post about the pic. It’s become obvious to me you seem to be in denial of what your husband is doing. As in it’s there in your face but you don’t want it to be true. You know that if you accept the truth of the situation you would leave him by moral standards but it’s easier to just believe it’s doubtful so you don’t have to make the decision to leave. And I think your husband realises this and plays on it, hence why he tells you very little and only admits some aspects. 

    I feel for you. It hurts. Divorce is sooo hard. But so is a marriage that drags us down. If you see hope then don’t give up, but at some point act so you live a happy marriage which you deserve. Your husband is a player and he know how to manipulate u and the other woman.  

    Work on you. As in your confidence, self esteem, your moral compass, find yourself and what you are about. do what you can to boost your imam, watch lectures, read Quran, go to the masjid, pray tahajjud. Come up with a plan of action and follow through with it. 

  • Concerned

    December 6, 2016

    Everyone 

    As ummof2 said we need to be gretful for all the things we take for granted. like health, I currently have the flu, and its BAD, so bad. It crossed my mind that I may never get better, I could stay sick till death. We need to take advantage of our good health before its taken away from us. Imagine if a person never read Quran, and then lost their sight, or never prostrated and one day found themselves unable to. Good health and having ones senses in good working order is such a blessing. Its just a reminder to use ones blessings in obiedience to Allah and use them while you still have them. 

    A few days ago my husbands teacher said. If you knew you was going to die tomorrow, what would you do? you would stay in constant remembrance of Allah, perform all the good deeds you could etc, you would stop thinking about what you have and dont have in this life and put all your efforts into the hereafter. He said, well we need to do that today and everyday because today could be your last day, dont spend it in disobedience and worrying about what we dont have. we have Islam and thats all that matters. 

    “So which of the favours of your lord would you deny” 

     

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Alhumdulliah, Sis Karima ? I admire you too. You’re a beautiful person.

  • Karima

    December 6, 2016

    I admire your faith Ana and of Ummof2 s! 

    I will try inshallah today to concentrate on God and read some Quran

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    You can change and I believe you will because you seem to have a sincere desire to. Just don’t give up. Don’t despair. Allah wants us to persevere. You can do this. Ask Him to help you with your eating disorder, as well. He can bring it under control. He alone has the power to make it happen. I mentioned before, the first step to healing is recognizing that we have a problem. When Allah wants good for us He lets us see our faults so we can correct them.

    Everything is going to be okay, Sis Karima. Stay stong. We’re here to help one another. It’s all good, my friend ⚘

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    sis Ana i regret for Being weak in life in generál ,.  For Being. Confused and not Being  able to take a decision and stick With it.  ,what I want is not happening I feel a failure and turn to God and u sisters to uplift me but yes i have a problem. We practice islam on and off so Yes not properly but we improved in comparison to the the past, 

    most of what u Wrote is true though,:( 

    I m paying for it but I want to change and to improve

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    Tunis,

    Don’t worry . You may go back and forth with it, being fine one moment and a total wreck the next. It takes time to be on an even Keel. We call it being on a roller coaster ride with your emotions. One day you’re up and the next you could be down. Just don’t despair and don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ll be okay. :-)

  • Tunis

    December 5, 2016

    It is true..it feels like the shaytan is on my back 24/7….but as you said..it really boils down to the self..my nafs….battling the SELF…..like some ego trip…

    We lose sight of the self and our purpose..yes!        

    And quoting Umm of2:    “Worship Allah the way we are supposed to. Stay in remembrance of Allah SWT and everything in life will fall into place.”

     

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    Tunis,

    It really boils down to you and your children wanting to punish him. Probably your children want to punish their dad, more so. The end result would probably be that you and they end up punishing yourselves. The bitterness and hatefulness will just eat away at you and you’ll find no happiness. You may be the one who years later say you should have stayed with him. There is no going back to the way things were…

  • Tunis

    December 5, 2016

    Alhamdulilah…thank you once again Ana and Umm of 2….by the permission of Allah..to help me see to get my priorities in order.

    I fear Allah 

    And thank HIM much.

  • Tunis

    December 5, 2016

    Wow..i posted my comment b4 i read ur last post to  me Ana…..and my heart stopped beating.   

    I m trying to please them….OMG….AND yes i know he is accountable for his actions…subhanallah..this is what i have repeated telling them…that it is not my responsiblity on how he handles….so i should be content….because he has not done anything haram…..when u put that word out there like that to me…..i panicked…

    Thank you Ana

  • Umm of2

    December 5, 2016

    Tunis

    You are just picking and prodding at this point. Your husband not telling you and his kids who, what, when and where is not that big of a deal. It didn’t physically harm anyone.  It wouldn’t lessen the pain if he did. If he did you would be finding fault in something else. Use this time he’s away with his other family to grow nearer to Allah swt. Do things you couldn’t do before like travel or go shopping or out to eat with friends. Do whatever’s good for your soul if it’s halal and enjoy life. Thank Allah much for all the blessings we take for granted i.e the freedom to seek an education without getting shot in the head (Malala) the freedom to drive, the ability to see, breathe, a roof on your head and food on the table. We have to get our priorities in order. Worship Allah the way we are supposed to. Stay in remembrance of Allah SWT and everything in life will fall into place. 

  • Tunis

    December 5, 2016

    I think ladies..after reading my own post….i dont think i am in a position to leave him……i know Umm of2 said ..if i m correct….i dont have it in my heart to leave him or if so i would have been a goner….many times i tell myself go….but get afraid…for how survive   or will i miss him? i have a ‘I love I hate him’ feeling.  

    I guess i m asking if i should call him out on this issue…like it will let my children see i recognize their feeling….even though i will not leave….if Allah wills  it or not. But doing do could prompt a divorce….IDK…like i should not be afraid.  Coz part of me feels he does see what he did to us really.  

    Do I  or Dont I? ask for answer?

     

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    Tunis,

    Based on all that you’ve said, I suggest you have your husband divorce you. You and your children are angry with your husband and it probably making him angry and upset, which may be upsetting his other family, as well.

    You and your children can’t put the past behind you and leave it in the past where it belongs, so that you all could move forward. Since, it’s the case, instead of everyone being miserable, do as your children want. You want to please them.

    Insha Allah, have your husband divorce you and go live with one of your daughters. It will give your husband a chance to be monogamous with his new family and spend quality time with them, Insha Allah. If you later find that you want your husband back because you love him and miss him, perhaps he will take you back. If not, Alhumdulliah – it wasn’t meant to be. You suffer the consequences.

    If he divorces you, you have the idaat period to sort things out and get back together or stay divorced. It sounds to be the most logical thing for you to do.

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    Sister Tunis, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    If I understand you correctly, you’ve basically asked how much, what and when a husband is expected to tell a wife and children about certain things. Allah tells us in the Holy Quran that we should conduct our affairs with mutual consultation.

    We are not one. Only Allah is One. We should take counsel from one another. We should talk about matters with people before taking a form of action, if it will affect another. A person shouldn’t be a tyrant and rule over another with a heavy hand or be overbearing.

    A husband (a believing husband) should have the last word. I say “believing” husband because Allah also tells us not to listen to those who neglect the remembrance of Him. It’s getting into a whole different area with regard to this – only a believer would know another one. So, she or he must know the teachings of the Quran.

    Anyhow, men have been known not to tell their wives that they have married again (more wives). The one wife finds out later from someone else or he tells her later. Most of the men do it that way because they are fearful of their wives reaction. Usually the reaction is exactly as the husbands expected and wanted to avoid. Usually, the husbands compound the problem in not being direct and forthcoming with the wives and children.

    If it happens, I’d tell the wife and children that there is no do over or taking it back. It’s over and done with. It’s water under the bridge. Allah decided it that way for His reasons. Nonetheless, if the husband has done something wrong by NOT consulting with the wives, then he will account for it. There may be repercussions from it in this life. As Umm of2 said, it probably wouldn’t make a difference when a man told his wife, whether it was before the marriage or later. She would react the same way. She will only use the excuse that he didn’t tell her so that she could have more ammunition against him for something that she would dislike regardless of how it happened. It’s another thing that she can hold onto so that she can remain angry.

    I’d suggest the wife remind her husband to consult with her in the future, so that she could have input or at least know what’s going on that will affect her life. Other than it, she has to find a way to get over it. She could turn to Allah, knowing He decided how it happened or she could blame her husband and be upset and angry…

  • Tunis

    December 5, 2016

    Because it doesnt feel good or sit rightnwith me that she knows of me and has kids..wll this is what he tells me…i just want things to be clear…same thing i hear…like Karima..i think?   …just enjoy have fun ! ..doing what…we never go on vacations….he dont like if i have friends that i must drive to…or drive to shopping and college…..maybe park sometimes…he very strict…..alwsy talk of do stuff for fun..dont happen…especailly after kids came….oh i sound very bad and not a contented wife.  i fear Allah becsuse of this sometimes..perhaps why i go along with hubby side.   kids look down on me….they love me ..but very sad.

  • Tunis

    December 5, 2016

    Maybe this is why my girls are as they are….and i am too blind to see it…..or i stay in marriage and get what i can….i have 2 children with me still….hubby thinks i am fine in head.    But i have always been timmid to really stand up to whst is just within my family. Maybe Allah is telling me something.

  • Tunis

    December 5, 2016

    Sisters .I need to know if i have a seroius issue here.

    Firstly…my husband did not bother to tell his daughter in the country were he is..and her..that he left to travel (far)..gone a week…upon returning..visits her and saying where he went.  That was it.   So then she brings him food…wants to check on her father..if he is ok.etc…but to  her surprise..as u know..discovers he’s married..or..presence of a woman.    my daughter has keys to house on top of that.    Even when i ask to know when he marries…he had attitude.  I feel it only correct he tells his family….we all knew his intention.

    He has a right or duty to make it know…..and if so who is suppose to know.   Because he did not tell has caused this reaction in his daughters.  cutting ties .and now son..r hurt and very pissed.  And me too….(playing meley mouse.).worried his feeling and just keeping my mouth shut?   Although i told him….but not with hurtness or anger…because truthfully ladies…i fear he will divorce me….it is not the first time with this man either..he has said…well if ur not happy? D

    I have not really called him out on this one…and i think this may be one reason of malcontent.  i dont know what is correct here know…..because on top of all this…my huband told his daughter there…divorced w/2 kids…she can stay  in the house …when he gets a wife . . Supposedly the first lady he talked  to one yr ago was willing to marry him and with adult daughter in house.   But daughter was having nothing to do with that.   They argue..she say if lady come in house..she go…he say go then..and gives for months to find place.  before i find out..she already rented. but i dont slap his hand…i get convinced or listen to his reason why….because she cant b trusted or dirty.or or…i speak my mind ..try to make him feel compassion…in one hand he seems to want to help his daughter….alone in this country…but has grudges. 

    So now with attempting 2nd lady to marry…he tells daughter..u can live with us but pay rent.  So they see him as about money or stingy with money..as Saira said…bcoz of childhood too.  i am beginning to see or face a reality with my husband.   i just dont know whether i should call him out on it know…if he is within his rights..to not tell of his marriage and charge rent to kids…..when he is providing for a new wife   and has a divorced daughter w/kids. seeking help and comfort from baba.    on top of THAT…she has a prospect for marriage…but the father seems discouraging her..saying cant trust..etc etc…..but he goes ahead a marries a woman so fast….and tells not his wife or family.  Children feel he uses me…takes advantage of my obliging and supporting personality for his benefit….after praying istahara i feel not content..which prompt me to call daughtes fiancee….i am very confused and sad and uneasy.  i dont know what answer i am looking for..ladies

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    Karima, As Salaamu Alaikum

    In reading your last few posts and reading Concern’s, as well, something came to me. It seems to sum up what’s happening with you and your husband in my opinion. I liked Concern’s post when she said your husband may not want to only be with you and the other woman. He may be into women in general. It makes sense, too, that it’s not about you or the other woman.

    You said you told your husband that he should marry the woman and you will try to accept it, but if you can’t, you will divorce him. What is that? It’s not assurance. What does it say about your intentions? I know only Allah knows what we will do. Only He knows the future. What you said was virtually nothing new to him. I’m sure he thinks you may leave him if he marries the woman and you said, yeah, if I can’t handle it, I’ll divorce you. You basically confirmed what he may already be thinking.

    I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but want to be honest with you. I think the problem is with you and your husband’s Imam (faith in Allah or lack of if). If your husband is NOT worshiping Allah properly, why would he feel a need to marry that woman? He could live as non-Muslims live and simply have a relationship on the side the way many of them do. He in essence is one who rejects faith. If he’s not practicing Islam, why should he marry her, share his time fairly, pay her bills, cloth her and feed her etc as a duty? Why should he sign up for that, if he doesn’t believe and doesn’t worship Allah? Calling oneself a Muslim is not enough.

    You appear to have the same problem. It’s apparent that you have no sincere interest in accepting polygamy for the fact that it’s a part of our religion, and we should accept what’s in the entire Quran. You are thinking about accepting polygamy to keep your husband and have a better relationship with him. I say it because you said you will try to accept polygamy, but if you can’t handle it, you’re going to get to steppin. You’ll walk (leave the relationship.)

    It’s not about Allah for you. It’s about your husband. Another thing that makes me say that is your earlier post in which you said you regret getting mixed up with a Muslim man as they may become polygamous. A person who is happy with Islam and believe in the religion wouldn’t say she is sorry she got mixed up with a Muslim man. She would be glad she’s got a Muslim man even if she’s having problems with him. You’re still talking the Adam and Eve thing and that Adam wasn’t given four wives. It’s what non-Muslims speak of when it comes to polygamy. You basically asked how you’re going to explain to your daughter this way of life that you don’t agree with.

    I know that you, yourself said that your Imam is weak and you need to get it stronger. We all need to have stronger Imams. I think, however, you are really not into Islam in your heart, but are into your husband only. You may be turning to Allah in hope that your marriage will get better and you’ll feel better as well. It just may be that you’re not turning to Allah for the right reason. A person shouldn’t turn to Allah solely to get their desires fulfilled.

    It’s not about serving Allah and Allah alone for you. It may be that you accepted Islam to marry your husband. All of the above is probably why there is no relief and you and your husband’s lives are chaotic.

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    Sis Concerned yes i tried all that. N he finds me beautiful n all n never makes comments about my weight to hurt me n!all. N our sex life is getting better n better. But This is the surface i think. :( amyways i cant see from Being exhausted.thank u for taking the time to write to me

    i love u all my sisters God bless u Ana for This blog my rainbow in my rainy days sniff

  • Concerned

    December 5, 2016

    Karima

    If it is just that other woman then you could ignore my last post to you. It seems so strange that he hasn’t married her. 

    Have you tried showing him attention (for the reward). like sending him a little mushy/fun/sexy tx while hes at work. If he thinks that you showing some love might help him stay away, get your groove on, girl. lol. You might have to fake confidence in yourself before it shines though but he obviously thinks your wonderful, you just have to believe it. Because you are, karima. From your comments you can tell your such a beautiful person, maybe he wants a reminder. Even if you’ve put weight on since the baby most men dont care too much about what shape/size their wife is because they love her. Men like women to enjoy their company. 

    Ill make dua for you, shaytan is a relentless, evil cretin. He good at his games and we have to try our upmost to ignore him. Put a motivational reminder on (Islamic one) theirs plenty on you tube. 

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    As I like to be honest and sound a fool perhaps I can relate If what he has is an addiction.  I always hAd a food addiction since I was very young . Not feeling loved from my parents I escaped into sweets to feel good to find happiness peace n content. N through the years I was trying to fight it sometimes I managed it n lost weight but since the birth of my second child I have extra 20 kilos on me who will increase cause I over eat due to this situation but also cause I’m addicted to it.  Not throwing up or anything just I eat till I’m about to explode :(

    but if what he has is an addiction can it be compared to mine???

    one thing for sure today my Iman is very low n shaytan is all happy while I’m miserable n feeling hopeless

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    He also asked for my help last spring to stop contact with her . How would that be possible I don’t know. He asked for attention for care for sweetness kindness and love. I must admit since he’s coming late n leaves me to think he s with her n also when he supposently travels it could

    show I’m faking my sweetness and kindness. But I had enough all

    these years.  He wants me to fight for him? Well I want him to fight for me!! I think we gave up on each other routine kids n all. 

    And when I try to make sincere conversation I find a wall

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    Concerned he once said i am not Casanova indont have time for This. He actually said it many times when i was confronting him.  That he doesn’t run after women that he is the good guy he didn’t  go after her she just came to work for him. He said I was busy with my work pregnancy n all!  He also once said but you are the first one the important one the official and my family is number one- including me , not just the kids. That whithout me there s no family.

    inthink she s not leaving him in peace hoping I ll be fed up of this and hand him over to her.  She told me she wants a normal life n kids.  But she also said I am the one he loves he always comes to me n she’s left behind to suffer ….

    We don’t communicate concerned it has always been like this but I was madly in love I overlooked the signs that he cannot be trusted that he’ll be faithfull.alahmdulellah he’s kind n provides. 

    I don’t know after 7 years of tortune who else would say go ahead n marry each other just announce it pls and let’s see how it will work out. I won’t create problems I hope she’ll behave n stop contacting me. That was 2 months ago

    i also said I can’t promise I won’t ask for divorce if I can’t handle it 

     

  • Concerned

    December 5, 2016

    I mean he might feel Allah wont forgive him because of the repeated sinning. So no point in stopping

    Im not likening an abusive marriage to converting to a religion, just that its a complete lifestyle change. 

    Also, shaytan has beautified his sins, working on his weakness which is women. 

  • Concerned

    December 5, 2016

    Karima

    Iv thought a lot about your situation and I think it goes deeper than just you,your husband and the woman who contacts you. The question remains why he doesn’t just marry the woman. It can’t be because he thinks it will hurt you because I think you’ve made it quite clear, as it stands, its already hurting you. I dont think its because the other woman is non muslim,she clearly has a lot of feelings for him and if he asked her to be muslim, she would, just so she could have an open relationship with him. Some women will do just about anything to have a man. weather they stay in abusive relationship or convert to a religion. 

    Your husband has admitted he is weak not only for this particular woman but “temptations” in regards to women in genral. He asked you to just be happy as he is providing for you etc. He seems to have given up trying to resist the temptations of women, if he were to marry the other woman he would probably still be weak when it comes to others. He may think there is no point in sharing his time, money etc between the two of you because he would only want more, even if he had 4 wives, he’d probably still have more. He knows hes doing wrong, he knows its a sin but he cant help himself. Much like a woman in the beginning of polygamy who cannot control her emotions and just lets loose, even though she knows its wrong. 

    I dont think hes staying with you for the children, I think he knows your too good for him, because he feels so bad about what hes doing and cant find the strength to stop,hes lost hope he will ever be able to confine himself to 1, 2, 3 or 4. I think thats why hes not open with you about his and the other womans relationship, because it doesn’t end with her. She maybe the long term ‘side chick’ but there might be others. Shes the go to, sure bet. 

    Hes basically saying, just be happy because your the only one I care about, your the only one I provide for, your the only will who will have my children, your the only wife. And the rest are just to fufil and ever going desire. Women to him are like drugs to an addict, alcohol to an alcoholic. No matter how much they try, something (shaytan) keeps pulling them back. 

    Maybe if you could appoach the situation like he has an addiction rather than just an affair you might get somewhere. He may have forgot that the strength to stay away from sin comes from Allah, He may feel so bad (from repeated sinning)  that he doesn’t think hes worthy of mercy and forgiveness  (another trick from shaytan) he may have just given trying to do the right thing. 

    I hope I haven’t hurt you further,I really want you and your husband to have a happy as possible relationship. I hope you can forgive me. 

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    Hugs my sister may God bless you for truly caring…. cry

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    That’s what I’ve been doing so far no? Put my head down, swallowed it n apart from having crisis each time she contacted me I was trying to pretend we are good he is faithful n all…. but deep down I had n have my doubts.

    n kept eating n eating to soothen the pain to push the emotions away to feel full n fulfilled. N find comfort in food. Big sigh for that 

    I settled down for the financial stability n the crazy love I once had for him? Some only is left but still there is

    my logic says to file a divorce but then I get stressed can I really do this?   

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    Anyhow, yes, just take a break from talking about it and try to relax. Try to stay mindful of Allah. Things should get better, Insha Allah {{{hugs}}}⚘

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    Well, maybe you will be happy to get away with him with the family around. Allah knows best.

    I used to think that he wasn’t telling you that he was married to her because he was afraid that you would divorce him. I don’t think that any longer because he knows that you are aware of her and have communicated with her.

    He has told you just to accept it , relax and don’t worry. Do you think that eventually you may be able to do that?

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    yes my sister enough of talking about it!  I don’t want my panic attacks to appear again. Thanks my sister for being here and all of U who answered n making Dua.  I silently do the same for the ones who are being troubled 

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    i think I got all wild cause next week we are traveling having seen his family for 3 years and I have to pretend how happy we are ;(

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    Karima, you are going to have to find a way to calm yourself and your mind. Or else you will drive yourself crazy with this.

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    Exactly Ana!!!  I don’t know why he kept denying he was cheating. He never admitted it.  Maybe cause h married her secretly? Then why he s not saying that either. Cause he a scared I might divorce him?

    yes he s having a very good job n slowly slowly getting better n better so I’m sure women are finding him attractive not only because of his looks n good manners but also due to his statusz

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    She’s no crazy stalker.

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    No one has to accuse him of committing adultery to say that he is in an inappropriate relationship with the woman, which apparently he is.

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    Ohhhhhh , my goodness, oooookay sigh. If that pic isn’t indicative of what is happening, then I don’t know what else is other than a porn flick to go with it :-(

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    if shes a crazy Stalker would she cry to him for sending her for abortion? in a text message? A year ago it was

    n he admitted he took

    her with him in the other city but didn’t stayed in the same hotel…. one year ago

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    I see it this way, men are going to be men. Some are polygamous and some are non-muslims who have affairs, mistresses, cheat on their wives etc. It’s what they do. Of course there are some men who are monogamous, but the vast majority of them, especially those who are powerful, with good jobs have more than one woman. Many women over look what their husbands do and just reap the benefits and perks that comes from being in the marriage.

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    n regarding if he really is involved With her or not a year ago she sent me a photo of them together sitting side by side. She had her arm around him he was naked from the waist n up and she was wearing a bra

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    my sis Ana! !!! I know i should take a decision with the help of God.  either swollow  it n never attack him never Bring up the subject Till he might announce Sthng or just keep cheating,  or file for a divorce after we come back in january.  Very difficult

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    .yes i am Being tormented by This and Hate myself for turning the Blind eye when this started 7 years ago.  Due to many things which now doesnt seem good enough of excuse.  I was weak n scared n ashamed n took me years to Tell someone n ask for help

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    Do you think you can do that? Just relax and not worry about anything- and just let him be?

    It’s going to come down to either you accept that he is what he is and is doing what he’s doing or you make your intention to get out of the marriage.

    Life never looks like what we expected to look like.

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    sisters i feel im Being played. I feel like a fool.  I feel if i accept This mess im losing my pride. Why he cant just say i married her or i  plan to?

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    pretend that all is fine!!! ???And not to react like This!!!???? Meaning not to get upset for whats happening 

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    he Used to Tell me enjoy life take care of the kids myself and us and dont worry about anything else just relax.

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    Slam Yes he does This for extra money. Is not necessary he decided to do This 

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    I just reread your post. I see where you said that he didn’t say he was going to her but was going out of town for 4 days for work. Does his work required that he goes out of town?

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    I’ve come to realize that there are quite a number of Muslim men who fornicate and commit adultery and think nothing of it because they want to live the way men in the West live. Not all who say they are Muslim actually practice. I know what I just said isn’t new to anyone here. I just thew it out there.

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    It’s not even a matter of Karima trying to accept polygamy. He apparently doesn’t want polygamy. It’s her trying to accept whatever it is???

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    It’s okay. I agree with you that it is a very sticky situation. And I got posts twisted. I actually thought the woman said she and karima’s husband are married. I didn’t know that she came out her face and said that she is not married to him. In the previous posts, I think the woman said that he and she were involved.

  • Umm of2

    December 5, 2016

    Ok I may have missed a few posts. 

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    She can’t leave the marriage unless or until Allah wills it. Nonetheless, she can make her intention.

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    Not all suspicion is a sin. Some suspicion is a sin. We are to investigate. She nor we have said he has committed adultery – just that what he is doing seems suspect. The woman is alleging that saying that she is not married to Karima’s husband and is alleging that she and he are involved in a relationship in which he is not denying. I have to go back and look at Karima’s previous post, but I think she said he asked her if he could go be with the woman 4 days instead of 2, or something like that. Furthermore, she is being tormented by the situation and doesn’t believe her husband loves her, but is only there for the kids. So what reason does she have to make her intention to stay in a marriage that apparently is driving her mad?

  • Umm of2

    December 5, 2016

    It’s a sticky subject when it comes to karimah because her husband hasn’t admitted to being married to the other woman nor being intimate with her. The woman said they are not married but are on and off and I think I recall an aborted pregnancy sometime ago she can be a crazy stalker. If Karimah gave her permission and admitted to trying to accept polygamy why on earth wouldn’t her husband do it if that was the situation. There hasn’t been any solid proof only assumptions. Assumption is a sin so we must tread carefully when speaking on her husband he can very well be as clean as a whistle. Allah has not revealed any unfaithfulness if any. If karima can’t focus on what she has with her husband then she should prepare to leave if Allah wills. If her husband is having any “extra curricular” activities that’s his problem. He will have to answer. But we should give the benefit of doubt to be safe. 

    As salaamu alaikum 

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    have a rest sis Ana Thank u my sisters

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    his behavour all these years killed my love n respect for him. She alsó said he doesnt deserve me lol

  • Karima

    December 5, 2016

    Sis Jasmina done that already!!  Said all that 2 months ago. That he should marry her cause hes sinning having her on the side n she is in pain too. Ok ok he said i know all that. The change is the 2 nights away became 4 since then so maybe he married her but he is a coward to let me know?

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2016

    sis, Insha Allah, I’m going to get some shut eye now and will get back to you. I definitely get that you are tired of it all. I’d imagine that I’d be tired too, if I were you.