Polygamy 411 February 2017 Discussions

polygamy 411 February 2017 DiscussionWelcome to our polygamy 411 February 2017 discussions. The polygamy 411 blog and support group is for all who have a positive interest in polygamy. We invite all to join us here to talk about it. By all means feel free to discuss how it relates to you.

This blog is not about how well anyone writes. To clarify, it is not about punctuation, spelling, grammar, correct or incorrect English, or any of those things. That is to say, writing skills do not matter to us. Basically, we urge all to express themselves in a way that is easy for them. We allow our writers to use symbols, as well.

When reading the polygamy 411 February 2017 discussions, please be mindful that we are global

I ask you to remember that many from all around the globe are here with us. Notably, for many, English is their second language, and it is amazingly awesome that they write here.

For one thing, we should remember how difficult it was and it is to learn our own language. Then, we’d know what it takes for people to learn a foreign one.

I’m fascinated by the readers and the writers here. Especially, I admire anyone who can speak or read a foreign language. Not to mention, I’m grateful for all who come to this blog. I thank Allah for the blog and for you.

I am so delighted that you have joined our polygamy 411 February 2017 discussions

With a few exceptions, we welcome all on the planet to our home. We will not accept anyone who is against polygamy. With this in mind, we will not allow anyone to come here to ask people to hate it. This is not a blog for those who reject polygamy as a way of life.

For those whom we welcome, please share with us as much as you would like to share. Only share what makes you comfortable. We’d like to know your thoughts on what you read here, as well.

Most people feel uneasy when they write on a blog for the first time. I remember the first time that I wrote on one. It felt strange. I felt as though people could see me and knew who I was. Today, many know who I am, so, it’s okay. In fact, there is a kind of freedom in being known.

Without further to do, let loose. Don’t worry about what others think of you. You are unique. No one is you.

If you have missed reading any of the January 2017 discussions or would like to refresh your memory, the link to the thread is:

Polygamy 411 January 2017 Discussions

polygamy 411 February 2017 discussions

polygamy 411 February 2017 discussions

Books about Polygamy in Islam


Share article on

Don't Be Shy. Leave a Reply

* Denotes Required Field

https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif 
https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif 
 

179 Comments

  • anabellah

    March 1, 2017

    This thread is now closed polygamy 411 March 2017 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All,

    Once again we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the February 2017 discussions and welcome in March.

    Please join us at: Polygamy 411 March 2017 Discussions

  • anabellah

    February 28, 2017

    So many people are trying to take control of other people’s lives instead of getting themselves right.

  • anabellah

    February 28, 2017

    Sister Rosa,

    You are soooo right. Anyone who goes to the Quran to find info to try to prove her or himself as right or to dispute about it has already lost. They will gain No understanding or benefit from it. A person must read the Quran to learn it and live it.

  • Rosa

    February 28, 2017

    Confused and depressed. I advise you to study the Quran solely to gain understanding for yourself not to go back and forth with your husband and co to win an argument.

    I also think whatever is bothering you, you shouldnt take it to your husband to solve or change. Only Allah has the Power to do all things so talk to Allah cry to Him. He Hears us. Allah is in between our thoughts and us. Closer to us than our jugular vein.

  • anabellah

    February 28, 2017

    Confused and Depressed, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Did you see, MS, Serena, and my posts to you, several posts below?

  • Confused and Depressed

    February 28, 2017

    Salamalaikum Dear ladies
    Thank you Rosa. What you say makes a of sense. And thank you for your kind words.
    Me and my husband hardly talk at all nowadays. And with me being so emotional before I couldn’t get my point clearly across.
    I think he is doing many things wrong and also not being fair.
    I wonder if I should sit him down and explain calmly to him how I feel and where I feel he is not being fair and how his actions are not right. At least to me. I want to get my point of view across and have a healthy discussion.

    Lot of things have to be discussed which I am keeping in my heart. Not talking to him because I don’t want a fight and also he is never in a mood to want to talk or discuss anything with me..

    Do you all think it’s the right thing to do now or will it make the situation worse?

    Or should I just let him do whatever he wants and hope that he realizes his mistakes himself.

    Also, he and especially Her quote the Qur’an according to their convenience. According to their interpretation. I did a more in depth study and realize that they are not totally right.

    So a lot needs to be discussed and spoken for a more peaceful future.

    But I wonder if he will even see things my way or whether it’s even worth the stress.

    Should I just let things be and hope all settles down on it’s own and manage my own affairs instead of correcting what I think my husband is doing wrong while he seems to be so sure that he is right.

    So long story short.. should I talk to him in a calm manner and sort out issues or just shut up and let things settle down in it’s own..

  • Rosa

    February 27, 2017

    I have been in a polygamous marriage for a decade and things still annoy me but I have grown in the way I REACT. back then I just had to have the last word, I had to address every itty bitty thing turning something small into Mount Everest. Anything that came to mind I had to let my husband know. I didn’t think first act later I acted first and though later which was a recipe for disaster. It hindered my growth so as hard as it may be try your best not to do these things. It only hurts you. It’s like stabbing yourself in the foot and expecting someone else to feel the pain

  • Rosa

    February 27, 2017

    As salaamu alaikum

    Confused/depressed & nargis,
    Reading your posts gives me flashbacks of my earlier days of polygamy. I really feel for you ladies. I was a complete mess and couldn’t snap back. I’m sorry to break it to you ladies but it really takes years to get to a good place. It seems like at least once in everyone’s life there’s going to be an inevitable phase you have to go through that will either make u or break you. During that phase nothing makes sense, those who once understood you cannot relate at all, those who were our rock turn their backs. Your life will feel like it’s crumbling but in the end with the help of Allah everything falls into place better than ever before so persevere be patient and remember Allah. Take everyone out of the picture until it’s just you and Allah.

  • anabellah

    February 27, 2017

    Nargis,

    When you said you told your husband that you try, and you’re not leaving until you stop loving him, it reminded me of a song. I placed the video below:

  • anabellah

    February 27, 2017

    Nargis,

    Try not to sound so desperate and needy when dealing with your husband. Stop telling him you’re there till you stop loving him and you’re trying and blah, blah, blah. Saying that crap won’t make him love you more. It’s a turn off and will repulse him. Let him know that he’s got to do what he thinks he needs to do. Exude confidence and let him know that he’s not your lord. Let him see that your life doesn’t revolve around him.

    You’re not going to be there until you stop loving him. You’ll be there until Allah says otherwise. As long as you keep making your life about your husband, you will be one miserable, unhappy person.

  • anabellah

    February 27, 2017

    Nargis,

    About his family not liking his other wife, it’s not your problem. You can’t control his family and how they feel or think. If he doesn’t like his family’s attitude towards her, he needs to take that up with them. I see what you’re saying in that he blames you for everything.

    With regard to the children, someone here said that they are his children as well, therefore he is within his right to take them to spend time with her. I agree, especially as you already knew her before he married her. You don’t have to worry that she would abuse them in any way. Neither can she take your place as their mother.

    I suggest that when he takes the children to be with her, you think of it as she’s babysitting for you. Take the time to do something constructive. Utilize the time doing something useful. For instance, read the Quran; beautify yourself; clean the house; take a nap; go shopping; visit friends or relatives; exercise etc. Don’t waste the valuable time moping and crying, wallowing in self-pityhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif. Accept Allah’s decision that it’s where He has placed your children when they are with her.

  • anabellah

    February 27, 2017

    Nargis,

    I’m happy to hear you’re not as depressed as you were, and you cry less. It’s a good sign that you’re making progress.

    Don’t listen to your husband when he blames you for his other being upset and pestering him. Be yourself and do you. You don’t have to do anything to make his other woman happy. It’s not in your power to make her or him happy. It’s his wife, let him deal with her being a malcontent. It’s not your problem. If she’s not happy and feels like an outsider, it’s a personal problem of hers that she needs to address.

    Knowing, me, if I were you, I’d nip that crap in the bud and tell him not to come to me about how unhappy he and she are with the situation. She is his wife, not yours. She is his problem.

    The only reason you probably still tolerate that crap is you fear losing him or him divorcing you or something of that nature. Allah doesn’t like when we fear other than Him. We should fear only Allah. So, if it’s the case that you’re fearing your husband, you need to check that.

  • anabellah

    February 27, 2017

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good to hear from you again. Sadly, though, it seems that you’re still dealing with the same issue. I think your husband may just be too through with you at this point, as he may think that there’s nothing that he does that makes you happy. So why try? He’s just there with you going through the motions. If you want a change in the marriage, it will need to come from you (in getting right with your lord – Allah, not your husband).

    You can only work on changing yourself, not changing him. People can’t change other people. Therefore, you’re beating your head against a wall trying to get results in wanting him to change when it’s not going to happen – at least not now. Hence, you’re only hurting yourself and will continue to hurt and be in pain. You know the cliche. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting to get a different result.

    Until you understand and believe that Allah is in control of everything, you’ll be stuck in what you called, that “shitty marriage becau I have 2 young kids and I’m weak and embarrassed to make the move n divorce”. Maybe it’s a blessing, maybe it’s a curse, only Allah knows.

    Stop being all up your husband’s @$$; leave him alone and start working on yourself and maybe you’ll begin to see a change.

  • Nargis

    February 27, 2017

    My situation is pretty much the same. The crying jags and depression seem to be getting less or maybe i am just getting used to the situation. He is still pretty much the same.
    Same old blaming me for keeping her out of the family so she feels abandoned and that his family have not accepted her or are keeping her at a distance because of me.
    A lot of resentment emanating from him because I want to keep away from her and keep my children away from her. So he goes out of his way to make sure the kids spend time with her everyday for a an hour or so. Long hours during weekends.
    He basically blames me for pretty much the awkward situation we are in today. Also he asked me once if I I think I am doing a favour by staying with him and not leaving..and if Am then I am free to leave.. He blames me for not accepting her and the reason we are not one big happy family and tha I am so selfish to keep her away from our family when all she wanted was to make him happy and be a part of our family.
    He totally disregards how I feel. Gets irritated if I feel hurt with his attitude. Basically told me now that he is even coming home just for the kids..
    Making it very clear that he feels nothing for me at the moment.
    I don’t even know what to feel no how to react anymore. If I tell him that his attitude towards me hurts he says it’s my fault.
    Well if he continues this way with me I guess maybe I will stop feeling anything for him at all. Maybe he just wants me gone. Who knows.

    He wants things his way and her way and I can’t do that.. So I am the one who is creating all the issues. All the stress.
    Anyway..enough complaining..
    Told him the other day I am here till I am able to take it.. The day I fall out of love with him or the day I leave… It will not be because I didn’t try my best as he says but because he didn’t respect me and didn’t treat me right. Shut him right up. He seemed happy to hear that in a weird way. Anyway… I just feel numb now…

  • Karima

    February 27, 2017

    Salam

    Its been a tough couple of days for me too…..i try to stay busy and count my blessings but it kills me that we don’t communicate with H. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for H to come and ask what’s wrong? When obviously he sees I’m struggling here. This tells me he doesn’t care and I want to stop caring either. It’s so depressing having to stay in this shitty marriage becau I have 2 young kids and I’m weak and embarrassed to make the move n divorce

  • Serena

    February 26, 2017

    Salam

    MS may Allah reward you for your reply to confused and depressed. A reminder for us all. We should all focus on earning Allah’s love.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2017

    Confused and Depressed,

    Don’t bother to ask your husband why he didn’t take you on the trip? We should try to limit asking why, as only Allah truly knows the answer. However, know that if your husband is doing anything wrong, he will account for it, as we all will for the wrong that we do, individually.

    What has happened hurts badly; I know, but keep remembering Allah. Talk with Him. Let Him know that you know He knows what is best for you and that you want to accept His decisions even if it seems to go against you. This is a personal jihad. A battle with self. Some tests are extremely difficult to pass. The thing is to be with like minded people who remind you. We should remind one another and help one another to remember Allah and what He says, as it is sooooo easy to forget or fall asleep. Stay strong. Time keeps moving on… This too shall pass. Keep remembering Allah and not the situation. If you remember the situation, you will wallow in self-pity and it will eat away at you like acid, burn, sting and get really nasty. Keep the faith!

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2017

    Confused and Depressed, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I totally get how you are very upset that your husband took his other on a holiday on your birthday. I’d say, see it as a test. At the same time, don’t forget for a minute that Allah sees and knows all things.

    I don’t know whether your husband’s other knew it was your birthday and persuaded your husband to go on this trip or not during the time of your birthday. There are co-wives who derive pleasure from trying to upset the husband’s other wife and keep her off balance. Some wives plan holidays and events etc on the others special days, such as anniversaries and birthdays and they do it intentionally. They think they are getting away with something and being cunning. By far, they end up on the losing end. It just may happen that when their special days come around it end up being a disaster and the other wife had nothing to do with it.

    Allah says that those who plot evil, the evil will hem in the author there of. People receive rewards for evil – the reward is evil. It may seem that it’s long in coming, but it’s a coming…

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2017

    Confused and Depressed,

    To be rid of the pain, it will take as long as it takes you to digest what MS said – for you to get understanding and it to become part of your heart. It’s what Belief /Believer is about.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2017

    Confused and Depressed, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    MS said it all and layed it out precisely and nicely. She was spot on and absolutely correct. I could not have said it better.

  • MS

    February 26, 2017

    @confused and depressed

    I feel for you! I’m praying that your pain ends soon insha’allah.

    About the trip: Allah is in control over how much time your husband will spend with you and your co wife.

    Allah tells us in chapter 6, verse 102 “…He is in charge of everything.” Your husband is not in charge.

    You wonder why he went on that trip with her and not you, well here’s the real answer. It’s because Allah decided your husband would, and Allah always knows what’s best for us.

    Perhaps if you went on the trip it would have been bad for you in some way. I don’t know the reason, only Allah does. He is the Wise and All Knowing.

    In response to your question ‘how long will the pain last?’: it’s up to Allah.

    He says in chapter 6, verse 17 “If Allah touches you with affliction [=a cause of pain or harm], no one can remove it except Him…” Note: the explanation in brackets was added by me.

    Stop turning to your husband to remove the pain. He doesn’t have the power to do it.

    Your husband taking you on the trip would not remove the pain.

    Him showering you with affection would not remove the pain.

    Him divorcing his other wife would not remove the pain.

    There’s nothing your husband can do.

    Only Allah can remove it.

    Turn to Him constantly and beg for a way out of this painful situation.

    Increase in your knowledge of Islam. Allah tells us “Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest” (chapter 13, verse 28)

    Increase in your obedience to Allah.

    Reflect on what sins you’re committing and strive to cut them out.

    Make each day’s focus about earning Allah’s love, not your husband’s love.

    I wish you all the best. May Allah grant you ease https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • Confused and Depressed

    February 26, 2017

    Salamalaikum
    Ana, how long does the pain last?

    Sigh. Its been a tough day.

    My husband took an out of town trip with her on my birthday with no regard that I would like to spend the day with him.
    Apparently she needed a break so this was the only time he had free.

    Oh well. Still hurts though that he didnt think to take me instead.

    He says its a short 2 day trip so it didnt make sense to take me as the kids would have to tag along and they might miss one day of school.

    All practical reasons…but I want to ask him..in case it was her birthday would he take me on a trip with no regard to how she would feel if he spent the day with me on her bday?

    I know his answer so why bother asking and hurting myself more. Its pretty obvious that she is his first priority now..
    I guess..this pity party needs to end soon.
    Hence the question. How long does it hurt and at what point does the first wife get over feeling like Shit and just move on and start living her life without caring anymore..2 months? 6 months? A year? 2 years?

  • Rosa

    February 23, 2017

    Sis saira

    I hope you’re doing well and enjoying your bundle of joy. Babies are the best, motherhood is such a blessing. I’m also glad you are no longer in so much pain. Surely after pain comes ease.

    Allah is the Greatest

  • Rosa

    February 23, 2017

    Maryam
    Ohhhhh I thought your husband was already married to someone else. Well then as far as I know it’s nothing to tell your family then. You never know what the future holds. At this point, your husband getting married again is hypothetical. InshaAllah you can let your family know when the deal is sealed if Allah allows

  • Serena

    February 22, 2017

    Ana

    Your comment made me laugh! Sometimes when I need to have a cry I don’t get the chance so I wait until I find the “right moment/time/place” then cry.

    Confused and depressed

    Alhumdulillah you have a positive attitude and inshaAllah there will be less stress. Keep a reminder of what you posted so you can always read it to give yourself a boost when feeling low.

  • Maryam

    February 22, 2017

    Exactly Serena, I see it also this way.

    Thank you all for the good advice https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2017

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You must do some super duper, heavy duty, torrential crying, as in crying yourself a river in order to get a headache from it. Take it easy.

  • Serena

    February 22, 2017

    Salam

    Ana

    I realise it’s good to have a cry but afterwards it leaves me with a headache. I can’t remember exactly whhere but I read in some psychology material that if you let the tension build up and not release it then it gets released in the form of blood. It was explaining about people having nose bleeds to release the the tension so I get what you saying about how woman may release that blood. Also hijama/cupping where blood is let out can relieve tension.

    Maryam

    I agree tell them when you are ready. It’s not like you are lying because what are the chances that they are just randomly going to ask you “Has your husband got another wife”. If they ever do then tell them.

    I see it this way that once your huaband gets married inshaAllah and inshaAllah things will be ok between you and your husband. If your family don’t notice a change about you then once they do find out it won’t be such a shock. They will see that you are okay and realise polygamy is not a big deal.

    Alhumdulillah your husband has told you his intentions of getting another wife and thus allowing you to get used to the idea. Obviously once it happens who knows what you will actually feel. You may find it easy to deal with and with the help of Allah and you have a supporting husband hope Allah gives the strength to remain calm and at peace.

  • Maryam

    February 22, 2017

    My husband is not yet married again. He doesn’t have a date yet, he is taking it all slow and thinks about all people involved.

    About my family they know I am moslima and they respect that and they love my husband as their brother. For my parents he was a son. They don’t have problems with moslims or islam, for them every body is equal.
    It’s not that I don’t want to tell them at all, but I think it is better to tell them when I’m ready to tell them. I will not lie about anything, I just will not mention it.
    I’m most of the times okay with this second marriage, but for sure I still have my difficult moments and if I tell them now they may think that I have a big problem with this, despite that I tell them I’m okay with this. I just don’t want them to worry about this and judge my husband for this, because he really does anything to keep me happy.
    Later when I’m at peace with it I can tell them.
    It’s not that my husband don’t care about what my family thinks about this, he leaves it up to me if I tell them. He always tells me you must do what feels best for you, he will and can accept the consequenses, he is a honest man.

    Yes about the crying, it cleanses your soul. I do cry lol, after this I feel better, it’s like a relieve. But while I feel good again for the person who sees me cry, this will be sad moment and this will stay with him long after I stopped crying.

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2017

    Maryam,

    I can’t recall if your husband is getting ready to marry the other woman or has married her. Nonetheless, he apparently cares very little, if anything at all about what people think about him marrying the other. Yet you’re going through earthly hell now about the other marriage AND, at the same time, are trying to cover for him and, I assume for yourself, as well. Let him face the music with your family. He’s the one who is doing it. It’s on him to deal with it. If your family don’t like him after finding out and wants nothing to do with him, OH WELL. You’ll have backlash, but you’ll need to deal with it as it happens.

    It amazes me that women will hide and lie or omit for their husbands who are doing something halal, legal in Islam, the whole while suffering with regard to her husband’s other marriage. I think Muslim women really need to look at what they do and believe. They need to determine if it’s in accordance with Islam – our religion. How can someone hide their religious beliefs when not threatened or in harms way just because they don’t want someone else (immediate family or close “friends”) to think badly about the person?

  • Rosa

    February 21, 2017

    Maryam. If I was you I’d tell the truth. I’d be truthful to myself. It’s way more difficult putting on a face and acting a certain way externally when you feel the total opposite internally. People will always have an opinion whether your husband is polygamous or not. It’s up to you though to take the good opinions into perspective and pay no attention to the negativity. Why walk on eggshells and pretend around your near and dear ones. Unless you’re at high risk if you do tell the truth then I advise you not to lie but omit for your own safety. It’s up to you. Just my two cents. The truth shall set u free. At the end of the day Allah is the revealed and concealer. None can reveal nor conceal if Allah himself does not allow it

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2017

    ummof4, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I just went to empty the spam queue and found your post to Tunis there. I think it got sent there because of some words that got flagged as spam LOL.

    @ Everyone,

    Insha Allah, if you think a post that you wrote went into spam and you want me to check, just ask. I’ll check. Occasionally, but rarely, the posts go there. Other times, they just get lost when submitted.

  • ummof4

    February 21, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum Tunis,
    Please stop asking those questions that you call”stupid”. As difficult as it may seem, try to just concentrate on having an enjoyable time with your husband in the way that you have in the past. Do you read and study Qur’aan together, watch tv or movies together, discuss politics, go out to eat and an evening stroll, just sit and cuddle?
    As we age, many men and women go through changes sexually. For women we may experience painful intercourse due to vaginal dryness or loss of libido. Men quite often suffer from loss of libido as well. Also many medications cause men not to be able to keep an erection. My suggestion is that since you have not seen each other in a while that you ease into having sex, maybe just by cuddling, kissing, engaging in foreplay, etc.
    Women often forget that most of the time it is the men who have to have most of the sexual energy. We as women have our part to play, but they have to be able to keep it going until both parties are satisfied.
    Don’t worry too much about the other wife. Just let the situation play itself out.

    Confused and Depressed, the statement that you said about your husband saying that you had ten years of him to yourself so now she gets ten years of him to herself is ridiculous. It is obvious that he doesn’t understand what polygyny is. It’s not 10 years here, 10 years there, 3 years here, 3 years there. If he wants to spend all of his time with one wife, then he needs to have one wife. May Allah help you to deal with it and show you the best solution and the best way to handle this test.

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2017

    Confused and Depressed, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,Sister,

    I’m so happy for you. It’s good to hear you sounding so chipper. Seize the moment, relish in it and enjoy. You’ve got a good attitude. Every day is different. No two days are the same. Make the best of it. In time all days will be good ones. Every day above ground is a good day https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2017

    About crying, I think there is good in crying. I don’t know what it’s all about, but letting it out must mean something. Some say people feel better after a good cry. In fact, I had read once that if a woman doesn’t cry tears, she cries in the form of blood flowing perfusely from her vagina.

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2017

    Maryam,

    I have my own thoughts about Muslims who have non-Muslim family whom they communicate with, and the wife keeps her husband’s other marriage from them. You said you don’t want your non-Muslim family to think bad about your husband. Well, if he’s Muslim and lives like one, they will think badly about him. I say it based on what Allah says about how non-Muslims feel (internally) about Muslims. He says they will not accept us until or unless we follow their ways. If your husband is actually a practicing Muslim, then based on what Allah says, your non-Muslim family don’t like him already. They may front and pretend to like him, but they don’t really unless, of course, he’s Muslim in name only.

    I could see if you have very little, next to no dealings with your non-Muslim family and you don’t tell them. However, if you’re going to go co-mingle with them, live with them and share with them, then let them know about your husband’s other marriage. Why hide it? You’re going to be up close and personal with them sharing everything else, loving them and caring about what they think. Think about what Allah says. Furthermore, are you ashamed of our religion – Islam? It sounds like one of those situations in which a person who is with the non-Muslims say – “I’m with you”, but when alone with the Muslims say, “I’m with you.” Which is it. Muslim, non-Muslim or a fence straddler?

    It’s just me and what I believe. As I’ve stated many times on this blog, when I first became Muslim, from day one, I let my immediate family know that I am Muslim and polygamy is a part of Islam and everything else that I was learning about Islam, I shared with them. Yes, some of them expressed a dislike for Islam and didn’t like that I became Muslim. My younger brother threw the Quran across the room. My middle sister who is deceased said, “I knew you were going to cover (my hair and dress modestly), but not this soon.” It disrupted my life with them, as I could not go places and do things that I used to do with them. They displayed dislike for my wali best friend and his wife, as well. Did it hurt me? Yes. Did it stop me from being truthful with them? No. Did it stop me from living Islam? No.

    I think if you’re going to be all up in your non-Muslim faces, speak the truth to them if you are a Muslim/believer. It’s simply my thoughts about it.

    ummof4 spoke here about her dealings with such a matter, as well. She let her non-Muslim family know about her husband being polygamous at the time that he was. One of ummof4’s sisters got funky with her and said her husband wasn’t welcomed in her home. ummof4 said, something to the effect that, if he’s not welcome in your home, then neither am I. ummof4 stood up for right. She stood up for our religion. She stood by her husband who was right. She didn’t stand by her husband just because he was her husband. She stood for “right”.

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2017

    Maryam, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Insha Allah, you’ll have a nice visit with your family. Ask Allah to make you strong. I don’t know of a duah you could say or anything to make you not cry other than to say, “to Allah we belong and to Him we will return.” It helps people stop crying when they are upset when someone dies, and we should say it when we’re injured, stump our toe on something, for instance. It will stop the pain. You could try reciting that over and over again when you feel you’re about to cry.

    As I stated in the newest post/thread, Allah granted laughter and tears. He controls whether you cry or not.

  • Maryam

    February 21, 2017

    To all who don’t feel (so) loved anymore,

    I understand what you are feeling I am afraid sometimes that this will happen to me too.
    But I just keep showing my love to him, but not in an obsessive way and I will not ask him everytime for a confirmation that he loves me. We are in this marriage for some years so our marriage is more mature now. We have a history together, a lot of memories and good times so obvious we have other things we talk about than he talks about with his new wife.
    Also his second marriage will become routine after time, in the beginning it is all new, so probably more exciting (also in bed) but this will also become normal.
    I cannot do more than to show my love to him, make myself the wife he wants to return to and our house a home to which he wants to return to, a safe haven for him.
    I ask Allah to make myself a blessing for my husband and to make my husband a blessing for me.
    What helps me is to love myself, I work out or do yoga and try to do some new things when he is not around, meeting friends, so I feel good about myself when he comes home and I think when it shows off that I feel good and happy this will make him feel good about me.
    And most of all trust Allah and everything will be fine.

  • Maryam

    February 21, 2017

    Assalamu alaikum,

    Ana I like what you wrote about the love for a husband. It’s true this love can be too overwelming, I also have this but try to think about Allah now first.
    But it feels selfish sometimes, you know.

    My husband is finishing his house now and in sha Allah I will travel to my country after tomorrow to visit my family and to finish some things there. He promised me to come homefirst when I come home before he got married again, in sha Allah.
    My husband is really a blessing to me for which I thank Allah every day.
    I decided to not to talk about the second marriage with my family. First reason is that I don’t want them to think bad about my husband. Most people for sure don’t understand this. And second, my sister, she loves me so very much I don’t want to make her sad or worry about me.
    I also don’t want people to pity me.
    In sha Allah I can keep up the appearances.
    I was wondering is there something I can tell to my self (a dua?) to keep me from crying or the urge of telling someone at the moment I feel too sad?

    And also when I feel it is difficult when something is happening which makes me remind me of my situation, which makes me cry in front of my husband, how can I stop myself. He knows it is difficult for me so I don’t have to show him this and make him feel more bad about all this.

    I can’t say this enough I am so happy Allah made me find your blog Ana.

    I pray for all my sister here that they will find peace in their hearts and peace of mind.

  • Confused and Depressed

    February 21, 2017

    Salamalaikum Sisters
    I have decided to just leave things as they are for now.
    Had a discussion with him yesterday. Got some things in perspective after the unsuccessful talk.
    If he does not want to talk to me or be spend time with me or be with me well nothing I can do about it. He has his issues to deal with at the moment I guess and if he only wants to share his life with the other..well that hurts but then again, I cannot force him to want to me with me and engage with me.

    He is not the be all and end all of all things. I have been so focused on him and our marriage that I have not been able to even focus on other things properly. I have children who need me. Who are getting affected with the atmosphere at home.
    I need to concentrate on them and God forbid tomorrow if things dont work out and he and the other manages to push me out…after my sacrifices ..well then my husband does not deserve me!

    If all his earlier words of not wanting to lose me and that he still loves me etc etc were not true and he makes it clear to me he doesnt want me around ..well… I am sure I am strong enough that I dont need to take that shit. I mean I wont give up on my marriage so easily. I will fight for it no doubt.
    I will have patience and wait till things settle down….
    But if there is no change in his behavior and he still treats me as an afterthought then Allah give me the strength to do what is best for me and my kids. Happy Mother then Happy Kids!
    InshaAllah I come through with grace and dignity in whatever I decide is best.

    This may be one of my strong days to talk like this, I might just turn into a blubbering mess tomorrow but Inshallah I will pray to Allah and get strength.
    I was so so so scared of losing him losing his love.. I need to stop that nonsense right now! I need to stand strong and show my daughters no matter what happens in life, to stand strong and do the best you can in any situation and esp not to fall apart for anything amd anybody, especially a MAN..
    I may come across as negative about pologamy but I am not for or against it. But I am in this situation today and I will not kill myself emotionally over it.. my health jas already gone downhill since the revelation.
    Allah will give me strength to get through this with grace strength and dignity.

    Lol. I hope I remember all this during my next emotional and depressing day!

    InshaAllah I remain strong like this daily.

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2017

    Sister Rosa, Thank you for the correction. I missed that one. I’m rushing through these posts as I have so much going on now sigh :-)

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2017

    I went back and changed a mistake I made in the last post. I said the wife whom he married second. I corrected it to the wife he had married first went and got her life.

  • Rosa

    February 19, 2017

    Sister ana meant turn towards His creation and He will turn His creation away from you.

    Sis ana I believe that was Freida who is divorcing her husband now that he’s sick and she’s back on her feet and has no use for him anymore and his first wife is traveling the world and spending time with her children

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2017

    I can’t remember the other sister’s name and I don’t have the time to go back and look. However, there was a sister here who said her husbands wife whom he married first had gotten her life. She was traveling the world, spending time with her children and enjoying life. The other wife wanted her to come back and shoulder some of the responsibility of caring for their husband.

    A wife would be surprise how things change once they don’t wrap their lives around their husbands and live and die for them. Men respect women who aren’t all clingy and needy.

    Turn to Allah and He’ll turn His creation to you. Turn towards His creation and He’ll turn His creation away from you. The person whom you chase flees from you.

    Don’t make your husband your Lord. There is only one God – ALLAH.

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2017

    Confused and Depressed, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I know it must be very difficult and painful for you to see that your husband has changed towards you. You asked him why it is. He said he’s stressed. Men in polygamous marriages go through changes as do women. People go through changes when a person whom they love dies or the person gets a divorce or loses his or her job or she can’t get pregnant or is a homeless refugee who is traveling on foot or one settling in another country or a person loses her breasts from cancer, or one who fears being blown up in a war torn country etc. etc. etc. Sh!t happens. Your husband is married to another woman and is not showing you the love that you want. Okay, I get it.

    Your husband is married to someone else along with you. Maybe he’s feeling her more than you right now. You said if it’s the case, why don’t he leave. Well, why don’t you leave? Neither one of you will leave unless Allah has determined it. You could make your intention to leave, if your needs aren’t being met and you want out. If you don’t like the way things are going, you could make your intention to leave the marriage. He doesn’t have to act the way you want him to. It would be nice if he was patient, compassionate and kind. Not every one is. Not everyone is going to go to Jannah/Paradise either. Some are going to the Hell Fire. Allah says that we act according to our own disposition. Everyone is different. You can’t make your husband be the way that you want him to be. The more that you try to make him be, the worse it’s going to be for you. I’m not saying he is right or he is wrong. He just “is”. I’ve learned a lot over the eight years that this blog has been in effect. I learned a lot from living life. It’s why I can talk to everyone as I do… Alhumdulliah!

    You’re failing to realize or believe that Allah chooses our mates for us. Just as He chose your husband to wed you, He chose him to wed his other wife. It’s not about her wealth, independence, youth or anything else. If you have picked up on the difference that your husband is making between you and her, perhaps she is the “favorite” right now. If he is inclined towards her, you are bound to see and notice the difference, no matter how much he may try to hide it from you. You said “it” has nothing to do with his feelings for her. It does. Remember Allah says that a man cannot love wives equally no matter how sincerely and ardently he wants to and tries.

    Insha Allah, read the posts that Serena and I wrote to Tunis and Nargis, as well. It appears you love your husband more than you love Allah. From what I learned about depression/anxiety from reading the Quran, it stems from a lack of knowledge and belief in Allah. Insha Allah, you’ll pull yourself together and let your husband see that your living, your dying, your prayers and your sacrifice are all for Allah the Lord of the Worlds and not for your him (your husband).

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2017

    Nargis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s nice to have you back with us :-) I think about our regular commentators and miss them when they’re gone for a while.

    Insha Allah, read the advice that we’ve given to Tunis, as it applies to your situation as well. You said, “My friend told me just ignore it,,. Let go and live your life your way.. If he is moody and doesn’t want to talk or be with you then let him go to her .. He will come back when he feels like it..” I think your friend gave you very, very good advice. It’s what you need to do.

    I can’t stress enough to you or to Tunis or anyone else how important it is to realize that nothing stays the same. Okay, you and your husband used to talk about a lot, his work his health etc. Now he doesn’t want to do that with you or for his reason(s) can’t. He doesn’t have to dance to your beat. He doesn’t have to continue to do things as he has done before he married the other. Granted, it would be nice if nothing changed between you and him other than he married another. Well, when he married another his, her and your lives changed. It’s no longer monogamy for you or him. You need to adjust to the changes and your new way of life.

    You ask if it’s fair that he keeps info about himself from you, such as his health. I don’t know why it wouldn’t be. It’s him and his life. We don’t own other people. We don’t get to dictate to them how they should be. Allah does that. We belong to Allah. He has dominion over all that is in the Heavens and the earth and all between.

    Life is not about us. Allah created us to worship and to serve him. He didn’t create this life for sport and play. It’s not about our wants and desires, nor our amusement. Many times wives get themselves jammed up and go further astray from Allah when the husbands become polygamous. It’s because the wife draws closer to her husband when she should be drawing away from him and closer to Allah. Only Allah can help us.

    Don’t turn to Allah to get your husband to act the way that you want him to act. Don’t turn to Allah to get Him to take the pain away. You’ve got to turn to Allah to sincerely worship Him and make life about Him for now and the rest of your life, and then he’ll make your life better. You need to get your priorities straight.

    Just like he shouldn’t tell you that you should be okay with polygamy by now, you shouldn’t tell him that he should still communicate with you in the way that he’s always done.

    Getting to a good place for a wife in a polygamous marriage could take years, especially for a wife who married first and must transition from a monogamous marriage to a polygamous one. How long exactly it would take – no one knows but Allah. He’ll make it easy and peaceful for you when HE decides in HIS time, not yours or your husband or anyone else.

  • Serena

    February 19, 2017

    Walaikum asalam

    Nargis and Confused and Depressed

    Hope your situations improve InshaAllah. Stay strong sisters for your own wellbeing. Sorry can’t offer much advice at the moment but remember after hardship there is ease. Also whoever fears Allah then Allah will make matters easy and a way out (of difficulty).

  • Serena

    February 19, 2017

    Salam

    Tunis

    Hope things are much better for you. It’s different now that you are actually face to face with your husband than being abroad. Of course you have questions but he doesn’t seem to want to answer them so try to leave it. InshaAllah when he is ready he will tell you what you need to know and when he opens up then maybe you can ask questions. Don’t ask questions that you know the answers to.

    You want to know what’s happening with his other wife and him but again leave it and InshaAllah you will find out. Maybe she has just gone to stay with family to give you and him space. Also ia her stuff still in thw the house like clothes etc. Sometimes just look around and observe and you may find answers without having to ask.

    Ana has given you plenty of advice. Tunis hope things start getting better. Spend time with your daughter talk to her and help her tidy up. She probably feeling isolated and could do with some company from you her mum.

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2017

    If things pop up here that seems a bit weird, it’s because I’m trying to figure out what’s working and what’s not on the blog. Now, I can’t seem to get my special smiley emoticons to appearhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2017

    Tunis,

    What I get from him saying you ask stupid questions is that he doesn’t want to discuss it, which he let you know upon your arrival. You pointing out the obvious only agitates him. He warned you in advance, and you disregarded what he said. If his clothes were all folded up and stored nice and neatly and you hadn’t known him to do that in the many years of your marriage, then who did you think did it? Duh!!! He simply didn’t compose him self but reacted. Are you friggin stupid??? – not his exact words. Make your observations and keep them to yourself or tell your girlfriends or us, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2017

    Tunis,

    The sex thing could be the result of anything. My understanding from all I’ve read about sex and relationships over the years is that when men are stressed performance problems can manifest. You don’t have to put that on yourself, meaning you don’t need to blame yourself unless you know you’ve got a problem. You would know it better than he would. It’s you and your body and mind.

    Putting pressure on him to have sex is not going to help resolve the problem, but will make it worse. You need to understand that Allah determines when people will have sex the same as He determines everything else. As Tasliyman shared with us, the test is how we react to a situation, more so than the actual test itself. Many Muslims don’t understand it. They’ll say a man has to fulfill his wives in every imaginable way. Those who say it lack understanding of what Allah says and He says more than we can imagine in the Quran.

    If you want to go to the doctor, go. You don’t need his permission. Go and explain your situation and see what the medical professionals say about it. It’s one thing if they say you need an expensive surgical procedure and you don’t have the money for it. Take one step at a time. Go for a consultation and examination and take it from there.

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2017

    Tunis, As Slaamu Alaikum,

    Try not to take his impatience and not being understanding towards you personally. You know how people are when they are going through something and are distracted and preoccupied with it. Their behavior is different. Insha Allah, it’s only temporary, and he’ll snap out of it.

    He’s going to do things differently because he’s been living with another person. It’s natural that you’d pick up on those differences. I understand how it’s disturbing to you. Insha Allah, you’ll get used to it in time.

    You’re going to find that you are jealous and it’s the time to recognize the emotion, access it and then quash it. Jealousy doesn’t go away completely, once and for all, but you can subdue it. You can make it submissive to you, so that it won’t rear it’s head so often after a while.

    I wouldn’t be so quick to say what the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) did and felt, if it’s not mentioned in the Quran. You don’t know whether he hid stuff or was angry. He was a human, not an angel. Angels are flawless as their job is to obey Allah and praise Him. Your husband and no one’s husband and no wife and no one is perfect and do everything according to the BOOK.

  • Confused and Depressed

    February 19, 2017

    Salamaliakum
    Ana, the issue is not him loving her as a wife or him sending loving msgs to her.
    The issue is he has stopped saying he loves me He has stopped calling me the loving names he used to call me..
    I get very short and aloof answers when I msg. If he is loving to her fine. But does he need to be rude to me.
    I have told him many time that he has changed towards me. He says its cause he is stressed. Fair enough. But if stressed then why only show temper and bad mood to me. But still remain loving and caring to her.
    He actualy told me you have had me for ten years its her turn to get all of me. Well in that case isnt it better he leaves me?
    Because if I lose half my time with him it means that she gains only half his time.
    And if he loves her cause she is his wife..does he not love me too? I am his wife too!!
    Why the different treatment to me?
    Have I done something wrong to get this type of aloofness. He is impatient with me. Apparently she has sacrificed a lot to be with him. Choosing to marry a married man was her decision as she fell in love with him. She fought and separated with her friends and family to be with him apparently. She is 20 years younger to him. But that was her choice. Her decision. It does not mean that I deserve less love or compassion than her.But me staying back is also a sacrifice for me as this situation is killing me. But I chose to stay with him because I still love him. But he does not cafe about that. I think he is staying with me out of responsibility now.
    His behavior has changed from the last two months. From a loving man to a disinterested husband.
    I dont know how he can change his behavior towards me just cause she is out in the open now.
    That means all his words his still loving me etc in the beginning were just to mollify me. But now that I am still here he doesnt much care anymore. Or maybe she wants me out. Who knows? But the fact that he is so easily pushing me away and forgeting me hurts like crazy.
    It has nothing to do with his feeling for her. I wish he would show me the same love and concern and passion. I am his wife too. Do I need to ask for time?
    Do I need to beg for love and concern?
    Am I not equal to the second wife?

    I know this sounds like loser talk but that is how I feel at the moment. That he is casting me aside.
    That he doesnt want me but staying just out of responsability. That makes me feel even more low.
    I want to move on from this situation and get stronger…but with him treating me like an afterthought is holding me back. I wish I didnt love him so much. I wish I could just walk away and not care so much and say WHATEVER.. but Unfortunately I care too much…I care when he is stressed I care when he low and depressed. I just care about. I guess The fact that he doesnt love me( as I think) or that he doesnt love me as much as or like before is killing me and I wonder if its worth holding onto a marriage where I am not equal or wanted.
    He needs to come out truthfully and tell me to my face honestly if he wants me to leave him. I guess he feels too responsable or obligated to leave me directly himself. Sigh. What nonsense I must be spouting. I dont even know what I have typed… just sooooo lost and depressed.

  • Nargis

    February 19, 2017

    Salam Ladies
    I haven’t posted in a few weeks. Have been too down to post. Tried living my life as normal. But I don’t think I am doing well at all. O my marriage seems to be getting worse. He seems to keep going further and further away from me. He doesn’t share anything about his life or work with me. If I ask him what is the POA For the day she says WORK. before he used to elaborate on what his plan for the day was as he runs his own business but now he tells me not to ask too many questions. I know he tells her each and every move to his other cause the other day I heard him elaborating in detail to her in the phone for the two that he came home to rest…like I had lunch , took a shower no prayed then went for a haircut etc.. If I had to ask what he was up to when he was with her, the shit would hit the roof and he would tell me not to ask so many stupid questions..
    What hurts me the me more is that he shares every little detail of his life with her.. Even minute ones but he doesn’t tell me anything anymore.. The other day he popped into the loo for a few min and some new msgs showed on his phone screen.. How is your stomach is it still hurting? I was hurt caus whenever I ask him daily if he is OK he says FINE..but he doesn’t tell me when he is not well.. Does he not consider me his wife anymore.. They share so much I feel so left out that he does not even feel I am part of his life anymore.
    It depresses me when I see our marriage going worse and he is becoming distant to me but he does not seem to care. When I was ill he asked me only once if I was fine and then didn’t bother about me after that cursor question.. But when she wasn’t well he was constantly on the phone with her.. These things hurt me..
    I feel he. Doesn’t want me anymore and is probably just staying with me out of obligation or for the kids. I know I won’t be happy with a marriage like that..
    How do I get stronger. I pray to Allah daily to pls give me strength and grace and patience but I feel I am failing in that department and remain the same insecure needy woman who needs her husband.
    My friend told me just ignore it,,. Let go and live your life your way.. If he is moody and doesn’t want to talk or be with you then let him go to her .. He will come back when he feels like it.. But how do I do that.. I miss him when he is not around and Love him too much but I am not able to let go and ignore the way he treats me.. I keep quiet and suffer the indifference inside.
    I have stopped questioning him on anything accept his Heath and food eaten in time… I walk on eggshells around him scared to ask any wrong questions and try not to stress him more but it’s like he has become me even more distant and I don’t even know what is happening with his life.
    Allah give me strength to get through this time in my life. Sometimes I wish I could hate him or wish he was a horrible man so I could either hate him or not give a damn about him.
    Sorry sisters, just depressed. It’s been a tough six months.. I wonder how much longer will I feel like this.. He said that I should be over this by now..it’s half a year now.. How long can I be low like this.. Is that a valid question? Should I be over this depression by now? I think I am more depressed about the way he is with me right now than the actual betrayal and marriage itself..
    He seems stressed about something happenin with the co I think but obviously I can’t and won’t ask till he tells me himself.. But is it fair the way he is pushing me away from me .. Keeping the co s details away from me is one thing..but keeping his issues his health and his work details from me shows me that he either thinks I don’t care or the fact that he doesn’t care.

  • Tunis

    February 19, 2017

    I texted this b4 reading ur post Ana…

  • Tunis

    February 19, 2017

    I m up here for fajr….
    I have told myself..just dont say anything stupid or ask him questions…like he said….wanting to be strong and not let anything get to me or be noisy…i wanted this so so bad….but it seem like a test from my husband like lets see how she gonna react to things….is she the strong one..the smarter one…he thinking i am so mashallah strong and over all this…that i am good girl….but i still get jealous i guess it is still there to raise its ugly head…..but it feels now he is not being patient or understanding that it may be hard for me to see certain things….that i m so strong and above all this…i wanted to be..really i did….cause it really is nothing i think…..he say..it is none of my business he marries .i didnt say it was….its like i dont know what to ask or speak of…i m trying to make light of things i see…yes i m curious….but at same time i wonder did he learn new habits because of her….and its good to learn good things…..like now he is eating..olive oil and honey…tells me now every morning he eats like this and wants this for breakfast….so i say..oh you doing something new…this is good….cause he never do this b4 with me…I guess i see he have new ways…most likely because of her…..am i feeling jealous? or like i was not thoughtful enough to care for him like she is….like he said….why i cant just go figure out things without bringing it to his attention…that perhaps what i see is of course from her without questioning…since i should know him from b4 he did not do these things i see…like why do i have to rub it in my own face. But i m not seeing it like this…but more like….we have always talked freely on polygamy..and the benefits….how wives maybe could be friends..etc help each othet..whatever….i was open to this….be he seemed suddenly different. She knows about me he said…..but i know nothing of her..and cant ask..sorry…i really am confused..Allah made this halal…and prophet never kept things hidden or reacted angry if a woman show a little jealous or ackwardness

    But i think now…i didnt start noticing things. until after our first night and he was not able to make love to me….i felt so insecure all over again….and he kept saying i must be tired…jet lag…etc….but it clealy wasnt me….like i just dont make him excited anymore……then he say…sex is not everything….but then say sex is no good between us…cause i must have this problem….so i have a right to want to know if its really a problem i have..i mean come on ..this is serious…..or im suppose to except because of my age. I will have this…well he is old too….but nothing could be happening to him….i even said once time back…let me go to doctor…to see and maybe fix me…i want happy and good sex too..why not….but he say..no no..maybe they make worse….like has money to build..but not to help me make things good for me…he can seek pleasure…maybe….but not want to help me too…? Sorry ladies..for taking up all this space.. I dont see what Allah wants me to do… i keep screwing up…like my husband say.. i do feel like stupid woman now in how i think. I dont have brain.

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2017

    Sister Tunis, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I’m sorry to hear that things aren’t going as smoothly as we thought they would. I suppose you never dreamed you’d get there and he’d tell you that things aren’t going well with his other marriage. I imagine he’s going through a thing about it. It’s not as though he would be all happy-go-lucky, if the marriage is on the rocks. You don’t know the circumstances either. You don’t know who decided to end it, her or him or both. I know it’s not easy for you not knowing.

    I understand how you are inquisitive about her and him and their marriage. It’s easy to say not to talk about it. In the beginning stages of being in a polygamous marriage, it’s not easy to not talk about the other and the whole situation. It’s a part of your life, yet you feel as though you’re walking on egg shells.

    Try not to take what’s happening personally. Wives don’t understand that the husbands go through a lot of turmoil when in a polygamous marriage, as well. It’s an adjustment for all concerned.

    I know you expected your stay to be entirely different. Our expectations get us. With what happened, just as you didn’t see it coming, I didn’t for the life of me think that you would be writing to tell us that he and she aren’t together right now.

    The beginning stages of polygamy are super difficult. One day you think you’ve got a good handle on it and the next it seems the polar opposite.

    Tunis, try to hang in there. Don’t throw in the towel. Try not to ask questions and just enjoy the time doing things that will keep the two of you busy and your minds off the marriage per se. Go to the movies; do dinner; visit your daughter or whatever you do…

    Keep us posted, Insha Allah. {{{hugs}}}

  • Tunis

    February 18, 2017

    So he tells me to stop talking..but it bothered me why he cant be clear ..like say ..oh she was using that kinda of butter..he ssy i m a stupid women…he thought i would b smart and figure things out..ok.so i ssy stipid question…i guess i m a stupid woman..he say i m evil….i m hurting so bad….why all this is happening…he now regrets sending for me….ssy i thought i was over all this..and the better woman i guess..now he sees she is much better than me he told me

  • Tunis

    February 18, 2017

    I m sitting in the dark texting this….i couldnt take it anymore..told him…then we should divorce…divorce me and you will be happy with her..u can bring her here and b alone with her…thats whst she probably wants… i left the room…
    He also telks me if i dont stop and gonna screw it up for myself….and i just couldnt wrap it around my head…he just didnt want to talk ….like it makes him so uncomfortable for me to think of him as being married to anothet woman…or hes hurting and sad she is gone…whatever it is..i keeping screwing up bigtime…and i think its over…..i m so so confused….i m so sad……and my daughter who made scandal..looks so sad….and depressed..i m worried about her…her house a mess..we cannot talk the same as b4…she seems do alone and sad…..and her father does not seem to care.

  • Tunis

    February 18, 2017

    So fist day in…i screw up with stupid question. Ok we go on in day ok ..move on..he is nice..2nd night in bed….we try..but he dont kiss me..didnt feel so relaxed again..?? This time i had to use sheets they had..because ones i brought didnt fit.? I still ignore it. Next morning…3rd day in….i ask you have pain in sex with me..cause he told me…b4 he ever marry 2nd wife…saying i have problem…and he feel pain…so i ask another stupid question….did he have pain with her…cause i want to know is it me or him..this problem…first he wouldnt say…i say tell me the truth..did it hurt u with her or not….he say i cant remember..WHAT? u cant remember? Than he say no i did not. I just wanted to really know if its me or he has a problem going on for him in his health. He got mad at question..saying didnt i say i dont want to talk about her! Ok..i hurt but try to be strong….and tell myself stop asking things..just let it go….and then ever since i got here he keeps saying…have fun..i brought u here to see ur kids and friends..etc..have fun…dont think about nothing…but i dont feel good and cant put my finger on it….i was thinking he really wanted to spend time with me..but it sort.felt not like that..iwould then be saying things like..csuse i was happy and excited to b alone with him after 27 years..first time again with no kids..i share this with him..he seem bothered by me being lovey dovey…say why i am all like this….i just dont get it….begin to think he only want me here to bring money and take care of him..csuse he have problem with other..and she left..i m only guessing here from what he told me…so again he say stop thinking or acting like this. Ok

    THEN..just tonight i noticed margine in fridge…and asked him are you using margine now….he say no..i dont eat it…so i say..but u have it in the fridge….i think maybe he didnt know..so i ask the 3rd stupid question….he say..we made a cake…ok then..it was from other wife…then i think..ok how old is it…so i ask how long has it been there….i then heard myself..and realized i probably wanted to know when she left this house…..why..was i jealous all over again..wanting to know is it over….but why i say..cause he could marry another..so what…it just his aloofness with me.and not being or feeling excitrd to see me….am i expecting too much…cant we try to b like honeymoon..make it gun..but he make me feel…what we r like kids again..like i have to be old because im in my 50’s..

  • Tunis

    February 18, 2017

    I am not doing well at all. Thought I had I a lid on things…. only 2 days with him…and Im screwing up. He pick me up at airport…in car…he tells me after a bit..he has problem with the woman he married and doesnt want to talk about it. So…dont know really why he had to say that…i didnt ask anything. But i know in my mind i was wondering what that really meant…but tried to ignore the thoughts….was he still married…and why he really sent for me…told me he wanted me here with him. when asking if i wanted to come over….I thought it was romantic..ormaybe with everything that happened in the course of his marriage…my kids not speaking with me..the other leaving home..mt brother just died….i felt so bad…i tried to b so patient….not show jealousy…so he say..u have been so patient…and Allah rewards. and say he wants me here with him….you can only imagine what i could be going thru or thinking..but i tried to shut my mind ..and hope not to react to anything i saw in house. Or might feel…but first night in….he tried to make love to me…but could not..just didnt work for him….says Im tired…or hes tired….i wasnt tired….i hadnt seem for 4 months….i felt like he tried but has no attraction to me anymore….next day i tried to be positive…he was in ok mood to….then while settling in i observe my husbands clothes folded in closest. at first i thought wow he is folding his clothes nicely..cause of new closet he got…so i go saw to he did you fold clothes like that…i dont know why i had to say that…or just wanted to be told she did that….i swear she is like this phantom woman..so he says no…like he was kinda annoyed by question…I just left them for you for…maybe u learn something…u dont do that he says..i said i hang your shirts in america..?? It hurt what and how he said it. He said i should have been smart and figured it out.

    to b continued

  • anabellah

    February 18, 2017

    Tasliyman,

    The reminder your shared is very helpful to me. Thank you much for sharing it https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • Tasliyman

    February 18, 2017

    Aslm,

    I came across something that I thought I would share. It’s a reminder that I surely needed.https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif. ‘Maybe it can help someone else as well.

    “Think about it. Maybe life isn’t all about what happens to you, but maybe it’s about how you react to what happens to you, how you display patience and what you do about it? Maybe that’s what life is about…”

    Have a good day everyone.

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2017

    Confused and Depressed,

    To add to what I’ve said, you need to know that you really don’t know how he treats the other and what their relationship is like. Just because you read some of his messages in which he expressed affection and love for her doesn’t mean that everything is all rosy and beautiful ALL the time. She and he most likely have arguments, quarrels, disagreements or fights the same as you do.

    You can’t expect that he won’t love his other wife. If he loves you, why wouldn’t he love her? Why wouldn’t he express his feelings for her.

    It’s important that wives who married first don’t lose sight of all the time that they spent with their husbands before they married others. In your case, (Confused and Depressed), your husband was monogamous with you for 10 years. Some wives who married first tend to think that the other wives who come after them aren’t supposed to have the same type of relationship that they had with their husbands.

    It’s all a matter of getting used to the fact that the woman whom her husband is with is a “wife”. He is married to her. They will behave and live like married couples. It’s a huge adjustment for a wife who has had her husband all to herself for years.

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2017

    Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Alhumdulliah, you’ve got your little bundle of joy. I’m so happy for you https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2017

    Confused and Depressed,

    You need to back up off your husband and give him his space. Let him know that you need time to adjust and it won’t be his time. It’s difficult for me to advise some women because we all come from different countries and different cultures. Where I may be able to get in my husband’s face about something without repercussions, another may be at risk.

    Are you able to go away and visit relatives or take a vacation or time away from your husband to get away from him for a while? I suggest you not plead and beg him to do anything, nor become subservient to him, thinking that it would help your marriage. It would only drive him further away from you. I don’t suggest you try to befriend his other wife either, to appease your husband. If you don’t want to be bothered with her, then don’t.

    You have to take a good look at your marriage and see if it’s worth what you’re going through with regard to your health and mental well-being, especially if you have no one to intervene for you. If you separate from him for a while and let him go live with her solely, it may be the best thing that could happen for your marriage. Right now, it appears to me that his honeymoon period is continuing because she is still fighting for him and he leave her to be with you and is without her for a time.

    When polygamous men settle into polygamy and the wives aren’t fighting over them anymore, they usually see the marriage as just what it is “marriage”. Things normalizes for all the parties to the marriage. All marriages have there ups and downs. The closer one gets to Allah in worship of Him and obedience to Him the more beautiful and easy life becomes.

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2017

    Confused and Depressed, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Serena had mentioned something very important in her post to you about you having someone from your family or your wali or someone from a masjid speak with your husband about what you’re going through. It is an avenue of recourse available to you from the Quran. You could have persons from your family and his meet to come to a resolution of your and your husband’s differences. Are you able to do that?

    Your husband is being very unreasonable in thinking that you should simply snap out of what you’re going through. It sometimes takes women, especially wives who married their husbands first and especially have been married a decade, years to come to terms with their husbands having become polygamous. As I stated to another commentator whose situation is very much like your, as Serena pointed out, you have to deal with your husbands betrayal as well. He married behind your back and kept his other wife a secret from you for two years. You said you’ve only known for two months.

    It sometimes take women years before they can get to a happy place in accepting polygamy. Even if a woman was prepped by her husband for it, there isn’t enough prepping in the world to help her deal with it once she’s living it without her going through depression and other emotional upheaval.

    Your husband is not compassionate nor patient with you. You don’t have to dance to his beat. You’re only going to out of the depression and sad state that you are in when Allah sees fit, not when your husband wants you to. You really need to get on your prayer rug and turn to Allah. Regardless of how depressed and upset you are, you’ve got to turn to Allah now more than ever. Perhaps Allah has placed you in this situation to bring you nearer to him.

  • Rosa

    February 16, 2017

    Congratulations Saira. May Allah make her into the coolness of your eyes.

    Tunis
    Safe travels. Enjoy every moment. When shaitan gets to whispering seek refuge. Let it go in one ear out the next. Don’t overthink things just take the moments a minute at a time.

  • Serena

    February 16, 2017

    Salam

    Saira

    Congratulations so happy for you mashaAllah. InshaAllah little baby will be a huge blessing and comfort and coolness of her parents eyes. Good alhumdulillah with all positive attitude you got from hubby and his family. Hope you recover soon.

  • Tunis

    February 16, 2017

    Thank you Ana… you made it very clear for me…now I understand it….and my thinking which now I see is incorrect…thank you …finally I got an answer….and this my sense and logical.
    May Allah continue to bless you with insight…https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    Im in the airport now !https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • Saira

    February 16, 2017

    Aslamu Alaykum every body
    JazakAllah for the lovely wishes and prayer for me
    Well Allah blessed me with most beautiful baby girl
    My mother in law and husband and sister in law ended up in hospital and made them do my c section in emergency
    They said its far too long waiting time for me and I will die if they don’t do any thing
    4 weeks just on paracitamol and no good sleep I was swelling so much
    They done scan and baby was in diffrent position and was stuck that’s why dispite having full labour I was not dialatong
    My mother in law cried for me made so much dua for me all nights she stayed on prayer mat for my and baby safety
    Alhamdulilh whole family greeted me and my wee one so well
    Wright now am sitting one boob hanging out and other one sweating
    Having wounderfull time wee one make sure I don’t relax and sleep and so there for she scream as loud as she can lol
    My eyes like panda eyes now lol
    Hubby is so happy with the baby girl he went and done so much shopping for baby
    I got so diffrent feelings now all positive and nice
    May Allah keep it like that Ameen

  • Confused and Depressed

    February 15, 2017

    Salamalaikum
    Thank you dear sisters for your advice.
    But I am also so so depressed at the moment. I can literally feel him slipping away from me. It’s like he is with me physically but mentally he is there with her. In just a few weeks he has changed. I think he expected me to accept immediately and now that I have not been able to come far in acceptance he is losing patience. I miscalculated. It’s about two months since he told me. He feels I should be at the acceptance stage now and not be so depressed about it anymore. He is definitely stressed. I can also see it in his face and attitude. But why only show frustration to me. I made a huge mistake of reading his msgs last week which I have never ever done before. Such loving words to her. Of comfort. Of missing her. Basically pure love coming through. Whereas he is short with me. Lost with me. Rude even sometimes. Why is he like only with me?
    Have I done something wrong?
    He says I do not respect her as his wife. That I still think of her as an outsider. Maybe that is true to an extent as I have not been able to meet her beyond once after the revelation and it was a very very awkward meet at that. And I don’t want to meet her again as well.

    I really can’t stand to see him miserable. But I am unable to give more than what I have but it makes me miserable to see him wanting to be with her so desperately whereas he can barely have a decent conversation with me anymore without losing interest.
    I tried to understand he wants to spend more time as maybe it’s the so called honeymoon stage but it’s been more than two years since their marriage so how the sudden honeymoon stage?
    I know I sound like a jealous insecure wife but then I feel if he treated me the way he treats her which is with with love and respect then I probably won’t be feeling this way. He calls me jealous insecure immature etc.

    I tell him I am staying because I love him . He tells me that my behaviour so far is not of love but because of need and that I don’t want to be alone whereas she has accepted him whole heartedly that is that he is a married man with kids. She has no problem accepting his wife and kids. If I I really loved him I should have no issues accepting him with another wife now. My inability to accept the situation as in my depression about it and my feeling low means that even after 2 months I am still at the same stage that I was when I found out.

    He is right in a way. I need to accept it wholeheartedly or move on instead of killing myself in my heart everyday. But how do I accept. We have never ever thought or even talked about polygamy in our 10 years together. He was never for it. I can’t get over the fact that he loves someone else. I am racked with insecurity and jealousy everyday. I am jealous of the fact that she spends so much time with him. She gets all the quality time with him. She is getting the best of him and i am unable to handle the situation.
    I am miserable everyday.

    I apologise for sounding so down but it’s a really really bad day for me today. Last night he and I had a fight and I am again miserable.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2017

    Serena, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    My thoughts about Confused and Depressed’s situation is that the other probably agreed with the husband that they’d keep the marriage a secret because they knew that Confused and Depressed wouldn’t go for it. The other probably began to put pressure on the husband to come clean with his wife because she wanted to be known and wanted more nights with him. She got emotionally invested.

    I tend to think as you do that the other may have thought Confused and Depressed would object to the polygamous marriage and demand a divorce. He’s probably getting pressure from both his wives to spend more nights with them.

    It’s a tricky situation, as the husband may end up divorcing Confused and Depressed to be with his other since, according to Confused and Depressed, he’s acting all funky with her, not wanting her to call him during the day as it disturbs his other and things of that nature. Getting home at midnight on Confused and Depressed nights and leaving at Fajr (morning prayer), doesn’t give him any quality time with him. As you noted, he has children. one would think he’d want to spend time with.

  • Serena

    February 15, 2017

    Confused and Depressed

    Wa laikum asalam

    Ana and Rosa have already given you advice but I would say your situation sounds a bit like Nargis situation. I don’t know if you have read her posts and the replies she got. InshaAllah the advice given to her will be useful for you.

    It’s sad but true some women will agree to anything to get married to a man whether he already has a wife or not. It’s like the man will say all sorts of stuff (and a load of lies) just so he can get to marry a certain woman. What you must remember Allah willed their marriage so it happened. Nothing can change that now unless Allah wants.

    I don’t understand why know that you know about them that she has started asking for her rights. Maybe she thought once you find out you will walk away from the marriage and she will have husband all to herself? Maybe she expected a different reaction from you?

    If you have already spoken to your husband and he is not listening then get am imam or your wali involved or someone who your husband listens to. How else can you get through to your husband? He has children with you and he should be spending time with his children aswell.

    Be assertive and set boundries and rules. You may think it’s all her fault because she is going against her agreement but your husband needs to step up and be fair. How was he dividing time the two years that he kept the marriage a secret?

    I don’t want to repeat what Ana and Rosa said but sister please see this as a test/trial. Allah is seeing all that they are doing and I advice you to get closer to Allah. Raise your hands in dua. Pray for your husband aswell.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2017

    One may ask why the many Imams, Scholars and Sheiks don’t know what I’ve stated below about the ayah (marry 2,3 or 4 or only one) that is always in question. It’s because some simple accept what they are taught or told and some rely on university studies etc. Furthermore, they may learn to be seen by man and praised for being so called “learned men”.

    They don’t receive their knowledge and understanding from the Holy Quran. Allah says He teaches and He give understanding.

    Allah lets us know not to follow the common run of people, as they will lead us astray.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2017

    FYI, I copied some of the posts to the “Allah Allows Men to Marry Four Wives” as they are super relevant to that post/theme.

    It should be noted that a dowry for women doesn’t have to be a lot, expensive or huge. I read (not in the Quran) that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) supposedly told a man who wanted to marry a woman and had nothing to give her that he should give her a “date stone” as a dowry.

    One should note as well, that it’s okay for the wife to give the dowry back to her husband once he’s given it to her and he could go and enjoy it.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2017

    People need to stop looking at the single ayah – marry 2, 3 or 4, and if they can’t be just, then just 1 – and look at what all of the ayat (verses) before and after that one ayah (verse) talks about.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2017

    We already spoke about men being able to marry any woman who is not married whether she is simply single and never had been married or virgins or divorced or widowed or older. Men can marry them.

    2nd, 3rd or 4th wives do not have to be widowed, divorce or older. Women who are widowed, divorced or older are okay for men to marry as 1st wives. First wives are no different than 2nd, 3rd or 4th wives. They are all wives. Only the righteousness of them makes the difference.

    One ayah that lets us know it is:

    “Marry those among you who are single or the virtuous ones among your slaves male or female: if they are in poverty Allah will give them means out of His grace: for Allah encompasseth all and He knoweth all things.” Quran: surah 24, ayah 32

    The Quran is for all man and all times. I’ve mentioned before that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) who is our example married women of all the groups I mentioned above. He didn’t marry for lust. He married to cement relations and bring others to Islam.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2017

    Tunis,

    If you read Surah 4, Al Nisa, in the first several ayat (verses), you’ll see that Allah speaks about the first man and woman whom he created and scattered their seeds to create more women and men. Furthermore, he talks about women; ophans; children; parents; and the poor. He talks in those ayat about property and how one should disperse property to those people.

    You say some people believe the ayah about marrying 4 or 1 speaks to men and their marriage to orphan girls. It doesn’t.

    Orphans are children, boys or girls. Allah doesn’t say Orphan girls. When he speaks of men marrying women, He specifically says WOMEN. It’s clear that he means orphan as in children and not women that men should marry. It is clear in the one particular ayah as follows:

    “Make trial of orphans until they reach the age of marriage; if then ye find sound judgement in them, release their property to them: but consume it not wastefully, nor in haste against their growing up. If the guardian is well-off, let him claim no remuneration, but if he is poor, let him have for himself what is just and reasonable when ye release their property to them, take witnesses in their presence: But all-sufficient is Allah in taking account”
    Quran: Surah 4, ayah 6

    The ayah lets us know that the orphans are children (they have guardians), as it talks about them reaching the age of marriage to receive their property. It’s not about reaching the age of marriage so that the men could marry them. When they are old enough to marry they are WOMEN. It talks about people as their guardians, not as their husbands. It’s about doing justice to them. They are special. They get special treatment.

    It’s about the orphans’ property and doing justice to them.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2017

    Tunis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I don’t think you’re trying to cause any problem. It’s okay. Although, I can’t answer your question “Why would Allah say” something. I don’t know His reasons for doing or saying something.

    I’ll give an example of what is said in the ayah based on what we’ve heard on the blog from some commentators. For instance, say a woman has a five year old child. She meets a Pakistani man who is interested in her for marriage. She learns that he has a wife and children back home in Pakistan. He wants to marry the other woman who has the five year old. The Pakistani male knows that it goes against his culture and belief to marry a non-virgin. The mere fact that the other woman has the child reminds him that she is not pure. It’s evidenced by the child. He knows he doesn’t want to be bothered with the woman’s kid. He simply has a desire for the woman. The man should not marry the woman because he already knows his culture, belief and feelings about another man’s child. He knows he will favor his own children from his virgin wife over the other woman’s child. He send all his money to them and share his love with them. He may share his love with the other woman, but doubtfully with her child. It’s a judgement call that the Pakistani man has to make. It would be best that he not marry the other woman to avoid doing an injustice to her child.

    Another example: There are men who will immediately tell a person who is trying to make a match for him that he does not want a woman with children. Children are a deal breaker for him. He knows right from the onset that he doesn’t want to be bothered with another man’s child/children. He’s a wise man to be able to make that realization and not put himself in the position to harm someone else children.

    Of course there are some men who love children and wouldn’t mind taking care of and loving another man’s children. He loves the woman and her children as well as his own children, if he has any. If he buys one thing for his child, he buys the woman’s child something too. When he hugs his own child, he hugs the woman’s other child too. When he say I love you to the one child, he tells the woman’s other child that he love him or her too. It’s the type of man who would marry women who already have children. He knows he would be able to be JUST to his own children and her children by another man, as well.

    Men can’t deal justly as between women no matter how much they want to or the effort that they make trying. With children, it is different. Men can and must be JUST with the orphan/children.

    To be continued…

    There

  • Tunis

    February 15, 2017

    Asalamu alykum Ana,

    I had just got done typing a whole page..haha…and lost it..anyway..guess I will get right to the point..and try to make it shorter..
    Why would Allah say man can marry other women of his choice..2,3,and 4..if he fears he will deal unjustly to the orphans.?
    Where as you stated the opposite.

    Are you stating the ayah is only speaking to a man who chooses a wife with kids….and that he should think twice before marrying another wife..if he will be unable to care for first wife’s kids properly and with kindness…

    Or is it my thinking..which you did not address..that it’s warning man from marrying among the ORPHAN GIRLS if he fears being unjust and unfair with them..mahr/inheritance.etc…THEN he should marry someone else..and up to 4 if he can….and if he knows he cant handle that many ..then one is best.?? I was told the arabic word regarding orphan..in that verse..particularly means ‘orphan girl’ not orphans in general.

    I am not trying to make a problem..not my intention..this verse has never been clear to many muslims..and they interpret it as man is bad if he does not marry a widow or divorced woman with kids as his 2,3 and 4th choice…or just to help orphans in general before thinking about taking on another wife.
    I never understood it that way.
    Many women get stuck on this and get angry with their husband ..like it is gonna make them feel any better if he choose a woman with kids?? versus one without? My thinking anyway.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2017

    I revised the post theme to make it read better:

    Allah Allows Men Four Wives in Polygamy

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2017

    Rosa,

    Here we go again with like minds. I just read your second post to Confused and Depressed.https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2017

    Confused and depressed,

    Again, I must say, things change when the variables change. You stated your husband said he still loves you and said nothing would change in your marriage. Yet, you said that he is different towards you. He comes home stressed. He’s in a bad mood all the time, and he doesn’t want to talk to you. You think it’s because of the drama that she creates and because of her crying. He has changed since you know about him and her.

    You want more time with him than mid-nights to Fajr. She wants more nights with him. Of course he wouldn’t be the same content person that he was before you found out about them. Now he has a couple of wives who are not happy. They both want more than he can give. The wives have conflicting wants and desires. He sounds to be torn as to what to do as he’s being pulled in two opposing directions. Who knows what she is telling him. Did she tell him to tell you about her because she didn’t want to live as a secret anymore? I assume he was staying away from home before, but you didn’t know he was with her. Now that you know who he is with, you want him home with you.

    You stated he told you that he loves her. If he’s grumpy when he gets home to you, maybe it’s because she didn’t want him to leave and she gave him a hard time, or he wanted to stay with her, but felt compelled to come home to you. OR, he became grumpy when he got home and got attacked by you for being late. It could be any of those things or something else.

    So, what should you do? You’ve got to turn to Allah for the answer. Your husband is his own person. You can’t control what he does. You can make your intention about what you will do. If you love your husband and want to stay in the marriage, you have to exercise patience, pray and put your faith and trust in Allah that He knows what is best for you.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2017

    Confused and Depressed, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome to our cyberspace home. Alhumdulliah you found us. Insha Allah, we’ll try to help you as best we can. I’ll give you my thoughts on what you’ve shared.

    You stated that when you learned that your husband married the other woman, your husband said he still loves you and nothing will change in your marriage. I’ve said on this blog from time to time, and I’ll say it again, when the variables change, everything changes. When thing change, it can’t be the same anymore. It becomes a different animal.

    You said your husband’s other agreed on the terms of the marriage. She agreed to less nights, and now she wants more. Based on what I know of polygamy, a wife could certainly agree on one thing and then change her mind and say she wants more. Just like you could say you want more. It doesn’t mean a wife receives it. The bottom line is that we all only get what Allah has allotted for us.

    Think about it. As I stated, when things change, everything changes. You now know about your husband’s other marriage, so she no longer has to hide and lie. She’s out in the open now with you, and she wants what she sees as “equal”. She doesn’t want less nights than you get.

    Granted, your husband said he was giving you more nights than her because you and he have small children at home. Having children is not a reason to give a wife who has no children less nights than the one who has children. Just and fair between wives is not about how many children a wife has. For instance, it doesn’t mean that a wife who has five children get more nights than a wife with two children either. Children have nothing to do with wives in polygamous marriages. A husband can see his children anytime he wants to day or night (if it pleases Allah).

    Now, if you, she and he agreed to you getting more nights because of the kids then, it should be all good for all of you.

    To be continued…

  • Rosa

    February 14, 2017

    Confused and depressed
    I forgot to mention try to focus on your marriage not his marriage with his other wife. Your husband probably has an attitude all the time perhaps because his other wife is bugging him about equal nights then he comes home to you nagging him about her demands and wanting to “talk about it”. He just can’t get a breather.

  • Rosa

    February 14, 2017

    Confused and depressed

    Wa alaikum Salaam. Maybe your husband didn’t know how to discuss his wanting another wife with you without making you think he loves you any less. Men can love more than one woman. Like how that saying goes a mother loves all her children no matter how many times divided. Now is the time to self analyse. Perhaps you needed improvement in strengthening your faith and Allah interrupted your pattern of loving your husband too much. Not saying that’s the reason just giving an example. Allah puts us in situations to the point we have no where else to turn but to Him alone. The only love we should really care about is the love you have for Allah and for Allah to love you and raise your station and shower His blessings mercy and forgiveness upon you.
    About your co wife wanting equal days now when before she didn’t mind settling for less. It happens. At the beginning sometimes you think you will be okay with certain decisions but as you grow closer to your husband you tend to want him around a little bit more. It’s a natural attachment.
    The best thing you can do now is focus on Allah more. Don’t nag your husband about time and previous commitments of spending time when and where because that will only turn him away from you. Let him do him and you do you. As mentioned time n time again “when you turn towards Allah, Allah turns His creation towards you.
    Take up new hobbies, do activities and outings with your kids. Always Always remember Allah and thank Him for His many blessings He has bestowed upon you whether you asked Him for them or not.

  • Confused and Depressed

    February 14, 2017

    Salamalaikum to all,
    New to this blog and commenting for the first time.
    So my husband shocked me and revealed that he had fallen in love with another woman and married her almost two years back.
    He claims that he still loves me and that he does not want anything in our marriage to change.
    The terms of marriage were as follows and agreed on by her before the Nikah.
    As we have 2 young children he will spend more nights with us. She gets 2 or max 3 nights a week. She is rich herself so does not need him to support her finacially.
    He revealed his marriage to me around a month back.
    I actually know her personally and we were actually friends. Apparently they married before I got friendly to her. But all this was kept hidden from me.
    Anyways to cut a story short.
    She had agreed to all the terms that were laid out by him. That he will never leave me. He loves me etc and she said she was fine with it. She said she is very independent and does not need a man around all the time and that she is fine with whatever little time he has.

    Now the issue is…ever since he told me she has changed her tune and demanding that she is not getting her rights. She wants equal time with him.
    And she is making him feel very very guilty about it and since he spends 4 nights with me he spends all day with her everyday. They work in the same company and spend almost 8-9 hours a day everyday. And then he comes home only at midnight on my days..

    Apparently this is cause she is not getting equal time with him.
    I feel that since they are together all day and since work gets over by 7pm and they are together for a good 4-5 hours afterwards after that having dinner out everyday and then he still spends time with her till midnight at her house it is still fair.
    Now the issue is when I ask him to come home earlier on my days he says she is feeling very bad about it and that he needs to be fair and since he comes home to me for more days than her I should not complain.
    I feel that since she agreed to the terms he put out why is she creating drama everyday and stressing him out as he comes home all stressed with her cribbing and crying.
    Wjy isnhe feeling so guitly?
    Its not even like he abandoned her.
    Am I wrong to feel this way?

    I stayed because I still love him and I want to try and see if I can accept pologamy before I take the extreme step of divorce.
    But he is changing right before my eyes.
    He is not the same loving man anymore.
    He said nothing will change in our marriage. Well everything has changed incl his attitude.
    He is stressed. He is in a bad mood most of the time. He doesnt want to talk. But he has all the time in the world to listen to her problems.

    He keeps saying he wants to be fair.. well is he being fair to me.
    He reaches home at midnight. We say our Fajr prayers together then he goes to the gym and then to her house and they go to work together. I see him only at night….
    I feel so depressed I cant even eat.
    What do I do.. how do I handle this?
    He tells me not to call as he is with her and that she doesnt call when he is with me.. but he is with me only for a few hours at night. I mean its not like she is doing me a massive favour by not calling him when he is sleeping!
    How do I get past thism pls advise me and help me..
    As if his second marriage is not depressing me enough his and her behavior is making me almost ill..

  • anabellah

    February 14, 2017

    The post/thread about orphans is quite long. Insha Allah, when I get home later this evening, I’ll try to streamline it. I have to run out now.

  • anabellah

    February 14, 2017

    Many tend to use the ayah that says a man can never be just and fair as between women to mean that they should only marry one. The ayah doesn’t mean that. It means that a man will not love his wives equally. He won’t love his wives the same. It’s okay. It’s okay, because Allah puts the love in the heart. We can’t control it. The ayah was revealed after the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) became upset as realized that he loved his wife Aisha more than he loved the others. The ayah was revealed to let the Prophet Muhammad know that he had no control over that, and it was okay to love one more than the other. It is believed that he loved Aisha more because she was the most learned and closest to Allah.

  • anabellah

    February 14, 2017

    Tunis, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Every now and again someone brings the subject up about “marry one”. It’s usually a person who is anti-polygamy and looking for a reason to reject it. They don’t understand the ayah. It’s okay, as Allah gives understanding to whom He wills.

    In the Holy Quran, He says He gives understanding. Anti-polygamy people use that “marry one” and the Fatima and Ali story when they are grasping at straws trying to find a reason to reject polygamy.

    Keep in mind that Allah is speaking about orphans in particular in the ayat (verses) where the “marry one” is.

    I wrote a number of replies and post/themes that explains the meaning of the ayat referring to the orphans. One is Allah Allows Men Four Wives in Polygamy

    The Pakistani men who don’t like and don’t want to raise other men’s children are prime examples of the meaning of the ayah. Furthermore, Allah says:

    “Marry those among you who are single or the virtuous ones among your slaves male or female: if they are in poverty Allah will give them means out of His grace: for Allah encompasseth all and He knoweth all things.” Quran: surah 24, ayah 32

  • Tunis

    February 14, 2017

    Hello Sadyah

    And thank you for your thoughts.
    Inshallah I will not allow the dream or message disrupt my attitude or reunion with my husband.
    May Allah send down His blessings on all of us.

    I am getting excited https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif !!!!!!

  • Tunis

    February 14, 2017

    Hello everyone,

    Since Jasmine raised her concern as to the reasons that/why a man should be taking more than one wife..I would like to hear someone clarify on the meaning of..’And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two, three or four…”.
    MY take:
    I have often been told that this means a man must choose helping orphans first(like what..thru donations/charity or bring them into the first marriage to be raised) or must marry widow or divorced women with children…for the purpose of helping orphans? But Quran verse states…”if man fears he will not be just to orphan girls.”…. to me means.. NOT being just in giving them their Mahr or abuse/misuse their inheritance… if this being the case..and man feared that…then don’t marry from among the orphan girls ..but marry other women of your choice…and if man still feared he could not be just and fair ,than only one. That is the only condition I have understood. So this idea that man MUST marry 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wife only if she is widow/divorced WITH kids…where did that come from..number one ? #2..or just widow?divorced..or #3.. only if 1st wife sick or barren? Where did this idea come from? The Prophet’s(pbuh) marriages were diverse..if I am correct. Even his FIRST wife was widowed or divorced.
    My own husband once told me this years ago..if I got sick or barren..that he may take another wife. They seem to feel safe using this reason…(and if wife is neither one ?..)so then what ..they must choose from among widow or divorced? where is this written?? So to me it makes sense..Allah is telling man…be just and fair to the orphan girl you may want to marry…be warned..or marry from other women of your choice…OF YOUR CHOICE..is pretty clear.

    The Jewish faith has or had this ruling in their allowing another wife..ONLY if she was sick or barren. They changed/ prohibited polygamy which was allowed for them too.
    Perhaps this is where this thinking came from.
    Even my own daughter swore that her father must take a second wife who needs help. Sure..yeah..it would be nice and a blessing perhaps for that man..but not a condition.
    Anyway, I would like to know what that first part of this verse may mean…no one really clarifies this..?

    Well, everyone have an awesome day or night wherever you are. And be attached to Allah.

  • Tunis

    February 14, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum Saira

    ..Inshallah. by the time you are reading this I hope and pray you will be holding your precious baby in your arms.
    Inshallah everything will be fine…and always the thankful and grateful for what Allah bestows upon us…It’s good to hear from you sister.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2017

    I know this isn’t related to polygamy, but I got a good laugh from it…

  • Sadyah

    February 13, 2017

    Assalam o alaikum

    Sister Tunis,

    When I was pregnant,I and my husband saw a dream of our child.he was totally scary in appearance.we saw the dreams with a difference of few days .I saw this first but I didn’t discuss this to him and then he saw later.I was quite worried about that but my mother said to be calm, say aozubillah and forget the dreams.Alhamdulillah Allah has blessed me with a beautiful daughter.Nothing happened like the dreams Alhamdulillah.so,please don’t allow the thoughts of your dream plus your daughter’s message in your mind to ruin your wonderful attitude in your situation masha Allah.May Allah bless all of us ameen.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2017

    Jasmine,

    I don’t know. It may make you feel better for a moment if we were to sit here and bash your husband and his intended; for instance, say that they are low down dirty dogs who are caught up in lust and all kinds of stuff like that. It’s not what we do here. What good would it do any how. I just don’t know what you want from us other than to get what you’re going through and speak the truth as we know it. We’re not just going to tell you what you want to hear. You said you want to be with those who have gone through it. Well, this is the place for you to be then.

    What do you want to know? We’ve already spoken with you about the fallacy that a man must marry a certain type of woman as a second wife. So, what else do you want to discuss?

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2017

    Jasmine,

    You say you ask God, why? Maybe you should ask yourself why not? Think about it. He allows polygamy for men. Your husband intends to marry another. It would put you in a polygamous marriage. Why not you?

  • Serena

    February 13, 2017

    Salam

    Saira

    Good to hear from you. Keep doing zikr much. Each contraction is bringing you closer to delivery inshaAllah. Try to stay moving around if you can it helps rather than just lying down.

    Jasmine

    I understand what Rosa was trying to say and you have taken it out of context. Ana went on to clarify but you still don’t get it.

    Simply there is nothing wrong with looking at disbelievers so you appreciate what you as a Muslim has. Sometimes you have to look at the bad to appreciate the good. How else would you know there is good in something if you don’t know the effects of bad.

    Polygamy is for Muslims for a reason. Allah protects all the wives in polygamy as with monogomy. In islam man should not just get another wife and forget the existing wife. He still has to be a husband to her. He has to do what’s right if he fears Allah. On the otherhand non believer’s do not have that fear of Allah so they do what they like.

    It’s okay Jasmine it’s early stages and you are finding it difficult. Stick with the blog inshaAllah you will get through this.

  • Rosa

    February 13, 2017

    Jasmine you need to stop hanging onto one sentence I said that u blew way out of context. I never said learn something from unbelievers you came up with that all on your own. Address your real issues and stop hiding behind what u think I said.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2017

    Jasmine,

    I hear you. I’m sure everyone else hears you as well. It’s why we’re answering you. I understand what you’re going through.

    Tell us what else you expect us to say other than the truth. Do you want us to say you’re right? You won’t get that here, as this is a pro-polygamy blog.

  • Jasmine

    February 13, 2017

    Yes Ana, I have asked some of these questions as they are genuinely the questions I sometimes ask myself since I have been faced with the painful revelation that my hubby is taking another wife. I put these questions here as I thought this is a safe place to discuss going through polygamy. I didn’t for one second think I will be branded as an ‘unbelieving woman’. I am in so much pain, wanting so many answers, feeling broken and I thought most of the people here would have gone through this as well. I thought everyone would have gone through these questions in their minds before accepting and learning to live with polygamy. Not everyone of you accepted everything without questioning anything then why say such a thing about me for going through the same?
    Again I thought this is a safe place for me to put forward the questions I wake everyday with, Why why Why.. sometimes Why God us? Sometimes just Why. But Im sorry I voiced it here..

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2017

    We need to keep checking ourselves and compare ourselves to unbelievers to, in fact, make sure we aren’t like them and make our intent not to fall asleep and become like them.

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2017

    Jasmine, Hello,

    I’m sorry, but I think you are still missing the point that we were trying to make. I don’t think I can make it any clearer than I have.

    The only reason I asked you, Why do you act and think like an unbelieving woman, was to, again, make a point. You said you don’t want to look at unbeliever’s lives and compare yours to them because we should be different than them, yet you think like them based on the questions that you asked in your posts. Granted, it’s a good thing that you want to learn and live Islam the way I think that most of us here do. But at the same time, your questioning is in line with what the non-Muslims think about polygamy. Why do they have to share? It’s not right. Why can’t he just stay monogamous. There’s the anti-polygamy rhetoric about why he can’t go get himself an undesirable (widowed, old or divorced person who (you think) can’t get a decent man, but must be a charity case. I know these are not your exact words, but it’s what I understand from your posts.

    You don’t want to be compared to an unbeliever, but your words echoes what one of them would say. It a resounding – I don’t like polygamy and I don’t know why I should like such a marriage. I don’t know why I should accept that my husband wants to be polygamous.

  • Jasmine

    February 12, 2017

    Hi Ana

    Sorry I respectfully disagree. I still dont see why I have to see a disbeliever’s lifestyle to see the goodness in my religion. Why should I see them and learn to accept polygamy? If I accept it should be because of Allah not because of what disbelievers are doing. I dont want to compare my life with life of unbeliever because whatever I chose to do will be because of Allah and Allah alone.

    You asked ‘Why do you act and think like an unbelieving woman?’ Please dont say you know how I act without actually knowing me. I act like a muslim woman, I pray with all my heart, I believe with all my heart and here I am instead of walking out on my hubby in this situation (if I was a ‘unbelieving’ woman), I am here pouring my heart out, asking questions I cant ask anyone I know in real life and trying to understand and learn it because of Allah. To brand me as ‘thinking and acting as unbelieving woman’ is character assassination :( :(

  • Rosa

    February 12, 2017

    As salaamu alaikum all

    Saira
    May Allah give you the strength the endure the difficulties that come with bringing new life into this world. InshaAllah it will be all over in the end. Focus on the prize which is that beautiful bundle of joy that’s on its way. Remember Allah always.

    Tunis
    You’re doing so so great. I like how you don’t react immediately. You seem to always consult and cool down and you don’t hasten to make a decision and it is working wonders. I pray you have a great time on vacay with your husband. I’m with the other ladies go get your man sis. Make the most of every second. Always putting Allah first and thanking Him for everything even the many blessings you didn’t even ask for.

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2017

    Sis Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I will make duah for you dear sister. Stay strong and keep remembering Allah. He hears your cries and He can relieve your pain. I understand you can’t get here to write to us or read. Your health and strength and that of you baby is what’s most important now. {{{hugs}}}

  • Saira

    February 12, 2017

    Aslamu alakykum
    Please sisters make dua for me
    I been in pre labour for about a month not and in active labour for nearly 3 days am so much in pain and not able to get much pain relief as my labour not progressing
    Plz make dua for me I am not be able to write much or read any of comments
    I am in tears vd pain make dua for me plz Ameen

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2017

    I thought there was something wrong :-( with the smileys because when I click on one of them, the script for it shows up in the comment box. I did some checking and learned that it’s how it’s supposed to be now. Once the submit comment is clicked, the smiley image will appear without the script for ithttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif. So, we seem to be back in business with the smileys. Away with the sick looking ones LOL

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2017

    I completed the last post . It got sent prematurely from my phone the last time.

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2017

    Sis Tunis,

    Good for you, for being assertive. You should be able to ask your husband anything that concerns or effects you. In Quran, Allah tells us to conduct our affairs with mutual consultation. Being nosey is different. Your husband should respect you more when you ask legitimate questions. It shows you’re not a push over or doormat.

    Now that you know you won’t be staying in the same house with the other, you can pack your bags, be super excited and get ready to party hearty with your husband. As Ummof4 said -Go get your man https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2017

    Sis Tunis,

    All is okay. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif the posts are getting through. It’s just that we’re all on different time zones and I don’t get to sleep usually until sometime after Fajr until about noon. So during that time, posts usually don’t get approved.

  • Tunis

    February 12, 2017

    Checking 123

  • Tunis

    February 12, 2017

    For some reason my posts are not going thru….or very delayed ?

  • Tunis

    February 12, 2017

    Yeah..that would have been a crazy move to tell hubby of dream and text….dont know what I was thinking…??? Thank you Rosa and Ana.
    Im a very passive person for some things and others not…im funny that way….but working on being more assertive. Yes and thank you Ana…your question got me thinking..yeah why is it I cant ask.? So I did ask where I would stay when I arrived. Hubby said…’will be just me and you’.

    Can’t thank all you wonderful sisters enough for your advice and encouragement and insight.

    I will stay tuned even during my trip there..inshallah…and be able to post..’all is well’.
    Until then..may Allah send upon you all peace at heart and mind. Be attached to Allah !

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2017

    Tunis,

    Why can’t you ask your husband where you’ll stay when you arrive there?

  • anabellah

    February 11, 2017

    Rosa,

    I was just getting ready to advise Tunis not to tell her husband about her dream, but I’m relaxing now and don’t feel like typing on my phone.

  • Rosa

    February 11, 2017

    Tunis do not tell your husband about the dream because it could have been shaitan way of Rowling you up right before you go see your husband. Shaitan loves to see rift raft between spouses. Telling him could be the nail in the coffin. It can sour it all. Your daughter coincidentally texting you in the nick of time can be just that, a coincidence.

    Also seek refuge from shaitan from the evil of man and jinn. Nothing can harm you unless Allah Wills it. Nothing.

  • Tunis

    February 11, 2017

    Oh I guess it went thru.nothing lost…i have to keep tapping in my name and email each time b4 submitting.

  • Tunis

    February 11, 2017

    Oh woa is me! I lost everything I typed. I will try again later.

  • Tunis

    February 11, 2017

    Firstly…congratulations Aisha! Inshallah your little girl grows healthy and stronger everyday.

    Thankyou sisters for replying to my situation. Yes..I know it is not haram for sisterwives to share a home…being it agreed upon of course. My husband has told me absolutely nothing of wife…or where she is staying…only from photos daughter sent me in the beginning. doesnt mean she is still there. But I would not want to stay under the circumstances anyway..if she is. My husband knows how I feel….and he for one does not like surprises….so it would shock me if he did that.
    I feel myself my daughter is on the wrong way of thinking….but it saddens me knowing Im coming and grandkids are getting excited…that she would put a damper like this on things..again..why now?
    I feel I keep getting tested and tempted…
    And that is exactly what I want going into this..as Serena has said..with a clean heart and good intentions
    ..I dont want to be suspicious…just want to do the right and good thing…eveything with Bismillah.
    The money is not from a bank account….its just homesavings..haha..I just thought it strange he wanted to come home so quick stating he was running out of money….how will he afford taking care of her then?..maybe she has job ? But he is building upstairs a new property..but ran out of funds for that?…so decide to cut honeymoon phase short?? and come here….but then decide..no..other wife come here and she bring more money to help do more building..etc..
    I dont know ..perhaps this is his way of doing things…he really doesnt like alot of questions either…well..I guess either way I m gonna go and come what may..find out. I want to not think of the negativity and I believe my daughter wants me to be this way towards her father.
    She had a bad marriage and seems now to blame that on sihr. Which growing up there in that country with my kids .I heard of this..but.I never really worried my mind on this sihr..cause I always ask Allah for safety and keep harm away from us. But whatever will be..will be the will of Allah….hope He graces me with graciousness and peace. ..and safety.

    I am wondering..should I share with my husband the dream I had…and his daughter’s text that came right after waking from this dream? Then maybe he reveals something….or just wait and see….cause honestly I feel awkward having to ask husband where I will be staying? It’s like I shouldnt have to ask….but giving the events that took place (dream n text)to clear the air..is more my way. Is that silly…??

    But I want to thank all you sisters for your insight which is comforting me a bit more. Jazakallah

  • anabellah

    February 11, 2017

    Sis Tunis,

    Yeap, witchcraft/secret arts/voodoo and all are real. We have to seek refuge in Allah from it. Sis Ummof4 and Serena gave you good suggestions. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    February 11, 2017

    Tunis, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’d be leery about eating the food that your husband’s other wife prepares for you, as well. You don’t know that woman. You have no idea how she feels about you or what she thinks of you. One needs to be around a person and converse with her to know who the person is.

    Again, I don’t know what country you intend to go to and and there is no need for you to say. I wouldn’t know the customs there anyhow. You’d know whether she would serve you as in bring you your plate or you all sit and serve yourselves from food placed in front of you. There little chance of her poisoning you or doing anything evil if you’re all eating from the same serving platters.

    Be mindful that Allah tells us whose homes we should eat in. We can eat in the home of a sincere friend. You don’t know that woman and she is not a sincere friend, at least not yet.

    I eat the food that my wali’s wife cooks because I know for a fact that she is a sincere friend of mine for over 30 years. I’m cautious when I go out to eat in public places. For instance, if it’s a public place, I cover my hair but not in a way that it would make me identifiable as a Muslim. I don’t want anyone spitting in my food or doing anything nasty to it. If food is being serve to the general public, I won’t be singled out to have my food tampered with. We must remember that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was poisoned by an unbeliever.

    Allah tells us in whose homes we can eat. We can eat in the homes of our (Muslim) family members. When we eat other places than where Allah tells us, we open ourselves to not having Allah’s protection. Below is an ayah from the Quran that we should familiarize ourselves with.

    “it is no fault in the blind nor in one born lame nor in one afflicted with illness nor in yourselves that ye should eat in your own houses or those of your fathers or your mothers or your brothers or your sisters or your father’s brothers or your father’s sisters or your mother’s brothers or your mother’s sisters or in houses of which the keys are in your possession or in the house of a sincere friend of yours: there is no blame on you whether ye eat in company or separately. But if ye enter houses salute each other a greeting or blessing and purity as from Allah. Thus does Allah make clear the Signs to you: that ye may understand.” Quran: surah 24, ayah 61

  • anabellah

    February 11, 2017

    Jasmine,

    I keep thinking about your post to Rosa and how you said she was giving erroneous information. She didn’t give you bad information. I, too, think you misunderstood her.

    If I understood Rosa correctly, she wasn’t telling you to compare your life to the life of an unbeliever. She was simply telling you that men are known to desire more than one woman. Being that it’s the case, men will seek out ways to fulfill that desire.

    The best way for men to do it is the halal (lawful) way. Allah has given men polygamy as a form of marriage to lawfully fulfill the desire they have for more women. Unbelievers fulfill the desire for more women by “cheating”, fornicating, having mistresses, committing adultery or visiting prostitutes.

    I saw it that Rosa was making a point; would you rather your husband act like the unbeliever and fulfill his desire the way they do, or would you prefer him do it the lawful (halal) way? Do you, yourself, want to act and think like an unbelieving woman who puts her own (not Allah’s) restrictions on her husband and force him to be with her only?

    You said you don’t want to hear about what unbelievers do. Well, then, why do you act and think like an unbelieving woman?

    I couldn’t let what you said to Rosa go by without commenting on it, as I knew exactly what Rosa was saying. You may not have thought it a relevant reply to your post; nonetheless, it was valid information.

    It’s a fact that men desire women. Below is an ayah that everyone may want to contemplate:

    “Fair in the eyes of men is the love of things they covet: women and sons; heaped-up hoards of gold and silver; horses branded (for blood and excellence); and (wealth of) cattle and well-tilled land. Such are the possessions of this world’s life; but in nearness to Allah is the best of the goals (to return to).”

    Surah 3, ayah 14

  • Serena

    February 11, 2017

    Sister Aisha

    May Allah bless you with His gift to you amd make her the coolness of your eyes.

  • Serena

    February 11, 2017

    Reenee

    Allah has given us solutions to problems. No one forces anyone to stay in a unhappy marriage whether in monogamy or polygamy. The husband and wife/wives have choices.

    No person whether husband friend child is worth loosing your iman for. No person is worth disobeying Allah for. If husband has done something that has upset his wife she needs to turn to Allah. It’s human nature to get hurt but don’t let that ruin your relationship with Allah. If anything strengthen that relationship with Allah.

    Jasmine

    You have been given advice already but I would just like to add a few points.

    You say your husband is marrying for lust and does not love her yet. Just something to think about people who chase their lusts and desires have less control over their soul. Some say yes their was lust but didn’t do anything haram got married and satisfied lust. What happens once pleasure from lust is gone? If you are so surw it’s for lust do dua for your husband that Allah protect him from harmful stuff etc.

    Sister jasmine you are sad about the fact he is getting married again. Allah will heal your pain if you turn to Him. See it as a test and say alhumdulillah. Maybe you will be tested by polygamy and to you it seems really bad but look at other muslims around you. Just look at what is happening to them around the world. Some have no home no food. Some have lost their beloved ones. Some are blessed with children but the children have become a test for them. Some people are really ill. Allah chooses how to test people. Again sister say alhumdulillah. Ask Allah to make you have patience and to make you handle what comes your way.

    Don’t stress too much about what or why he is marrying her. He will be held accountable for whatever he does like we all will. If he is doing anything wrong what chances are there of blessings in what he does. Sister jasmine rely upon Allah you never know Allah may have something much better planned for you.

  • anabellah

    February 11, 2017

    Tunis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    The question that you asked is not an easy one for me to answer. I have mixed thoughts and feelings about it. I don’t think I’m far off from the way your daughter is thinking.

    I don’t believe there is a problem with you accepting a gift from your husband’s other. In fact, I remember having read in Islamic material (not Quran) that we should accept gifts.

    Staying in the same dwelling as your husband’s other is a different story. I just don’t think it’s something I’d do because I wouldn’t feel comfortable. It’s just me. As for a co-wife whom I don’t know and have never met, I wouldn’t want to stay in her home. It goes back to my belief that all wives should have their own home. Of course, you’re only visiting, you’re not going there to live, but it still opens the door for jealousy and envy to creep in. Which one of you will he sleep with? Are you going to have sex with him in her home? How would that effect you knowing he’s laid up in the next room with her whether he’s doing her or not? How do you think it would make her feel, if he’s in there sleeping with you? It think it would be an awkward situation.

    I know different countries have different customs. In the country that you are going, maybe it’s offensive to stay in a hotel instead of the person’s home. I don’t know. You know better than me. As I said, I personally can’t see myself sleeping over in a co’s home with my husband there. I’d go to a hotel. It’s how I am.

    Before you go there, I suggest you ask your husband before you leave to go there where he plans for you to stay when you arrive so you’d have no surprises. Be able to tell him what you’d like to do, when he asks you what you prefer.

    What I got from him asking you to bring the money was that he didn’t want to raise your suspicion. If he had taken the money out of the account himself and you learned about it, it would open the door for Satan to enter in. You may begin to wonder what he’s doing with the money and if he’s giving it to her etc. He may want to avoid that. Furthermore, he may want to avoid the fees associated with wiring money.

    To be continued…

  • anabellah

    February 11, 2017

    Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Alhumdulliah!!! Yeah! a beautiful baby girl. I am soooo happy for you my dear sister. It’s wonderful news. Thank you much for stopping in to let us know. I’ll make dua for my little baby sister. Stop in again when you can.

  • Serena

    February 11, 2017

    Salam

    Tunis

    It was good to hear your husband calling you over. Your attitude to the whole situation was as someone with a strong mind would handle.

    It’s not haram for you three to stay in one house. Your husband can’t force either of you to stay together but if you two accept then it’s ok.

    Your daughter sounds like she is not giving up easily on causing problems whenever she gets the chance. As a mother do dua for her.

    I was wondering why your husband wants you to bring his money over as you could transfer money over to him. Perhaps all is good and he thought well you are coming so might aswell bring the money along.

    Sister Tunis as long as your heart is clean and have the right intentions you should be ok inshaAllah. If other wife gives you a gift accept it. Maybe take a gift for her too.

    As far as the food and sihr goes then sister there is nothing wrong with being cautious to protect your self. You don’t really want to have suspicion about the other wife but nothing wrong with taking protective measures. If you are worried about sihr perhaps cook meals yourself or of other wife cooks assist her. Always say bismillah before eating and do your duas etc for protection against sihr. You can do/get ruqya while there and when you return.

    Whatever happens is what Allah has already decided. Sister go and enjoy yourself inshaAllah don’t worry about being old. You are as old as you think. She to will get old and husband is not exactly a young man himself.

    Tunis hope I didn’t offend you with anything.

  • Aisha

    February 11, 2017

    Assalaam alaikum lovely ladies hope you’re all well inshaAllah… wanted to update you guys….

    I’ve had a beautiful baby girl two weeks ago,two months early Allahumaa baarik… who is still in hospital…. please remember us In your duas xxx

  • ummof4

    February 11, 2017

    As salaamu alaikum and hello to all.Tunis based on what you have told us about your daughter this sounds like a new way for her to get you to dislike your husbands new wife. People in every country practice sihr and try to put curses on others. Allah has given us Surah Falaq and Surah Naas to say to protect us from evil jinns and evil humans. Just recite the surahs for protection. If you do not feel comfortable with the three of you in the same house then take enough money for you to stay somewhere else. Please do not stay with your daughter. You do not need her negativity. Be safe in your travels.

  • Tunis

    February 11, 2017

    I meant to say..’the strange thing is’

  • Tunis

    February 11, 2017

    The change thing is..I woke up this morning around 8 am from a dream of a possible scenario with a other wife.? with hubby in it..anyway..I was searching google on the validity of dreams..whence comes the ones from shaytan and so forth…when at same time daughter texted her feelings to me..stating having bad dreams and so forth.

    So just concerned how much of this..if any.. I should heed as warning and be careful..

    to be honest..it has been something that has been tormenting my mind ever since hubby sent me ticket..
    am I over thinking things and getting nervous for nothing ?

    anyway..there you have it..not sure what to make of this…my dream and her text?

    Polygamy is allowed by Allah..so I should not be afraid..right?

  • Tunis

    February 11, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum Ana,

    Where does this thinking come from, other than hate for Polygamy or is there a real fear of bad intentions I should worry myself with.

    Let me explain..
    ,..my daughter has just texted me ..stating to be wiry of this wife2..that it is haram to stay the 3 of us in one house…not to eat her food or accept anything from her…that a woman like her has the guts to do anything.

    I dont know anything yet of wife2..never met her…I am sure my daughter has not either..she is the one who made the scandal for my husband.
    I am planning on leaving soon..hubby sending for me to come where he is…at first hubby was planning on returning to the states…..said he was running out of money..that sounded change to me for he just got married..then changed his mind and sending for me to come where he is…saying he wants me there with him…then after confirming ticket..he tells me to bring more money(his money) with me. But we are to return together back to the states.
    I honestly dont know what to expect when I get there..but my daughter is acting change again..now I know the people of this country practice sihr..(but wife2 is not from there..just neighboring country..haha)I never much gave it any thought(sihr)..but I have a friend whose husband does ruqiyah..so she is big believer on this kind of thing.

    I want to be gracious if hubby should surprise me with meeting her without warning me..which does not seem like him..but now I am a little concerned…(now I am wondering if he will put us in same house and should I stay there?…could he be beguiled…??
    I really want to go there in a positive way
    gracious and confidant….cause I am already struggling with a possible age difference…and fear he will see me as older..? these are my fears…because like I said earlier..he was to return cause running out of funds…so now sending for me WITH money..?

    Should one worry about receiving food or gifts from a said other wife..?? knowing the mindset of people or country ?
    I know it sounds foolish and stupid of me…perhaps this is a kind of shirk I am falling into..please advise..I am leaving this soon..and want this to be a good reunion.

    Just wondering the take on this.

  • anabellah

    February 10, 2017

    It makes no sense when I hear a wife say that she has to get out of a polygamous marriage because she can’t worship Allah in it. she says that it will cause her to sin and do haram. Do they even think about what they’ve said and what it means? Basically they’re saying that Allah created something that is harmful and not good and He permits it. It’s sad that a woman would blame Allah for her inability to worship Him. She needs to put the blame where it belong – on self.

    Granted, if something is going on in the marriage that amounts to abuse of a wife or something of that nature, it’s should be addressed and remedied. But, if a husband takes another wife and the first wife can’t cope and deal with it for no other reason than she doesn’t like it, the problem is within herself.

    It’s so easy to blame others for their shortcomings. Women always want to blame the husbands for not wanting to remain monogamous and if they don’t blame the men, they blame the other wives.

    Women need to speak up about the biases and acknowledge the Truth. It’s the only way we’ll have a semblance of unity among us.

  • Rosa

    February 10, 2017

    Reenee

    Not worshipping Allah because of the test you are facing at the time only hurts you. It doesn’t take anything away from Allah whether you worship Him or not but it takes everything away from you.

    We have to realise Allah is controlling the pieces in our lives. We don’t get to choose the less stressful path if it’s not the Qadr of Allah. Allah gives us peace if He so Wills so all your demands, rules and regulations mean nada. The final decision rests with Allah alone. Every second we are being tested. Our lives is one big test from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to bed at night. A test is never too far from a believer so instead of quitting the test before it has even started work on ways to tackle it head on by accepting and eventually conquering
    May Allah suffice

  • anabellah

    February 10, 2017

    Reenee,

    There is no such thing that a woman could like polygamy in and of itself, but not like living it herself. If she doesn’t like living in a polygamous marriage, she doesn’t like polygamy at all.

    You mean to tell me that you think it’s okay to say, Oh, I don’t like polygamy for me, but I think it’s okay or good for someone else? We’re suppose to want for our brothers and sisters-in-faith what we want for ourselves. If she doesn’t want polygamy for herself, apparently because of her strong dislike and distaste for it – then why on earth would she say that it’s okay for someone else?

    A person should accept and like polygamy EVEN if she never, ever lives it. To dislike polygamy IS a reflection of a person’s faith. It is! People need to stop relying on their opinion and desires and start looking at what Allah says in the Holy Quran.

    Allah says that we are to accept ALL of the Quran and not parts of it. He said do not tear the Quran in shreds. It means don’t select the part that you like and dismiss the part that you don’t like. He says that a person who does that is no better than an UNBELIEVER. So, YES. If a person rejects polygamy, the person is an UNBELIEVER.

  • anabellah

    February 10, 2017

    Reenee,

    You lost me when you said a first wife should demand that her husband spends a honeymoon with her after he spends the honeymoon with his additional wife. Well, didn’t the wife who married first already have her own honeymoon when she first married the man?

    Even if she never had a honeymoon with him, she most likely was in a monogamous relationship with him for quite some time before he became polygamous. She and he probably spent much quality time together just the two of them. So, it really is not the case that the wife who married first is losing out. She already has had much more than the new comer. The wife who comes after her starts out sharing a husband and never had time to him alone – just the two of them. Therefore, the wife who married first hasn’t lost a thing. She and the newcomer are on equal terms. The wife who married first should be grateful to Allah for the time that HE GAVE the first wife with her husband.

    Wives who married first are not of an elite group. Wives who married first are not better than the wives who come after them and the wives who married first are not more entitled. Perhaps, wives who married in the order of 2nd, 3rd and 4th have attitudes because of the disposition and attitude that wives who married first have towards them.

    If the wife who married first is a believer, she will see it as sharing. She will see it as being in a marriage that Allah has decreed. Allah chooses our mates for us. ALLAH DECIDES who will be in a polygamous marriage or a monogamous marriage or no marriage at all.

  • anabellah

    February 10, 2017

    Reenee,

    You said that some wives may not be able to do acts of worship because they can’t handle their husbands being polygamous. Do you believe that Allah tests/tries us and He rewards and punishes us?

    It’s not for a wife to do acts of worship when it is EASY for her. The test or trial is when things are DIFFICULT/HARD for her. It wouldn’t be a test or a trial if it was easy. A person FAILS when she or he tries to walk out and not take the test that Allah gives him or her or doesn’t take it.

    Do you watch the news? Do you see what is happening globally to Muslims? Do you think that all those people say, oh, I’m going through a lot now. I can’t offer my salat etc because it’s too tough for me. I’m sure some do and I’m sure that some don’t. However, there are those who won’t let ANYTHING get in the way of their worship of Allah. So, you are saying that polygamy, which is something that Allah allows, is something that would prevent a woman from worshiping Allah? Did she ever worship him to begin with? Is her hatred for polygamy so much that she will retaliate and not worship Allah as He prescribes?

    If something is happening haram in a marriage, such as the husband want to do a threesome with her and the other wife or something, again, haram, then she may need to leave the marriage so she won’t do something sinful. Being in a polygamous marriage in and of itself is NOT haram.

    So, if I were you, I wouldn’t tell wives to use the lame, senseless, sorry excuse for not accepting polygamy and to leave the marriage. It’s about whether she can handle a test/trial from Allah, if it’s not a punishment. It may sound good to you and those who dislike polygamy USE the excuse that it interferes with the worship of Allah, but Allah know the real deal.

    The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and his men went to battle. They were tried/tested to the point that they cried to Allah and said when will come the help of Allah. Allah said His help is always near. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and his men continued to offered the salat while at battle. They didn’t slacken in their worship of Allah when they were TESTED/TRIED.

    Please don’t try to make excuses because of the hate in your heart for something that Allah has made permissible.

  • anabellah

    February 10, 2017

    Reenee,

    Although you addressed your post to Jasmine, I’ll share some of my thoughts about what you said to her. I hope you don’t mind.

    Others besides you have come to the blog and stated that both monogamy and polygamy are forms of marriage that are acceptable in Islam. I have not come across many people on this blog who would dispute that fact. There may have been a few males who have come to the blog and said that they wanted to live the “Sunnah” and engage in polygamy to show others how it’s done. I pay little attention to them, as I know that the ProphetS are our examples. So, the men who come here talking that talk about wanting to be an example fail to realize that they are no one’s example. Again, we know that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was both monogamous and polygamous in certain periods of his life.

    When a man expresses his interest in polygamy or becomes polygamous, he has gone beyond the stage of wanting to remain monogamous. He is inspired to become polygamous. It’s not that he doesn’t know that he can remain monogamous. He knows full well that he can. His interest is in polygamy now.

    Allah allows men to become polygamous. He didn’t say they can, if the wife agrees to it. It is a privilege that Allah has given MEN. The women don’t get to decide if he can or not.

    Allah doesn’t have partners. No one is Allah’s equal or a partner to Him. A wife doesn’t get to override what Allah says. The husband doesn’t need his wife’s permission to become polygamous. He should consult with her about it and let her know his intention, which is about the size of it. Of course, wives can input about things that will affect their live. Furthermore, they have divorce at their disposal. No one says that a woman cannot divorce. It’s not for a woman to say that she thinks a man should remain monogamous when he wants to become polygamous simply because she doesn’t like what Allah has allowed – polygamy.

  • Reenee

    February 10, 2017

    Jasmine,
    Many women confuse about what they are thinking or feeling, leading say or typing that may not what they mean. They may be dislike live IN polygamy, not dislike polygamy. Polygamy is permissible, same with other type of marriage: monogamy. Both are permissible (mubah), both could be sunah-makruh-wajib-haram according to situation. People accuse women who prefer monogamy by saying lack of imaan, don’t people realize that monogamy is also mentioned in qur’an (…and marry only one…)?. Prophet practised both type of marriage in different time frame. Practise polygamy does not make doer better than monogamy, more pious quality that make people better than the others. Men and women have their own preference as personal choice, either monogamy or polygamy. People are different, and when situation different there is lifestyle that more appropriate to be implemented. Which lifestyle that create more mashalat for people involved OR which lifestyle that prevent less mudharat for people involved – it is the best to be chosen, wise, considerate and thoughtfull decision.
    When woman is not happy knowing her husband want to marry second wife, she could do divorce khulu and returning mahr she received when she married her husband. That’s allowed in Islaam, no one can be forced to be in marriage that they do not want to be. Wives can not prevent their husband to marry second, but they can prevent themselves to enter lifestyle (polygamy marriage) that they do not want to be, or withdraw themselve if they are already in it without their will. Husbands have talaq right, wives have khulu right.
    Some women feel could not let themselves be touched by their husband sexually during-after marry second, they could be vomitt, sick and other physical and or psychologyical (temporary) illness. This action could lead them fall into SIN because wives do not give their husband’s right (sex). Some women have high sex drive, need sexual relationship/intimacy in daily basis or every other day, and it is their husband obligatory to fulfill their wives desire. Are these wives must be blamed because of their preference and needs? Of course not.
    People, including women, need to live in peace and condusive environment in order to do ibadah, praying, reading quran in a better way. Can you imagine how wives could concentrate to serve Allah by serve their family, their husband if they are in craziness, crying, depress and laying on bed all the day. No motivation to perform their duties, only do blame all situation, their husband, (future) wives 2, themselves.
    Access yourself, your capacity, capability, willingness from financially, emotionally, mental, physically carefully. No one can decide for you, with guidance from Allah by offering istikharah praying, In shaa Allah you choose the best for you and your children (if you have). Chose decision that give more mashlahat or less mudharat. Let husbands know your preference and decision in calm way but firm. All decision and action come with consequence.
    If you decide to go to Imaam for khulu’, let them know the reason is NOT to reject polygamy, but because you fear fall in SIN and you need to have husband with same vision/preference on marriage, that will increase your chance to enter jannah and not slip to hell. Of course there is no guarantee that monogamy doer is granted jannah, not at all.

    If your decision is stay in marriage, take full benefit of wife financially, emotionally, physically. Demand respect from husband and other wives, demand your husband to give you love, affection, quality of sex (as you get less quantity of sex), set and agreed life arrangement, time allocation, and keep firm on your ground. Focus on your own business, marriage, life and children. If currently you do support your husband finacially, suggest to stop and let your husband know that you demand him to support you fully. Split your bank account, to avoid mis-use your money to support other marriage. Maximize your own money as safety nett if new lifestyle does not work. Let husband know that reduce money and lowering lifetyle standard is not acceptable. Demand your husband to exercise wise behaviour and considerate action and well manner, such as no call/text during your night unless emergency, no talk about other household or other wives, not pressure you to be friend with other wives. Keep in mind, once husbands marry others, you may lose your best friend to whom you can share everything, good and bad. As this custom may backfire to you in any circumstance. Same situation to husbands, let them know that they may have you as wife but lose you as best friend. Husband may not be able to share their feeling freely as they use to do. Husbands must swallow themselves their bad days, especially hard time with other household.
    Husbands spend time for honey moon, and demand them to spend same quantity of days with you they spend for honey moon. No more no less. And the following days start apply time allocation as agreed.
    Husbands can make more money to distribute to multi household, love can be ‘copy and paste’ means love more women without decreasing love to first wives, how about time. Time remains the same 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. Means once husbands marry other without firs wives will, time for first wive is reduced. Demand husbands to increase quality of spending time during together, do not tolerate husbands come home with frown face, grumble, low quality talking. Let them know on this expectation nicely but firm. First wives could expect husbands complain on this expectation, give husbands hardtime and hardship. Let them know that polygamy lifestyle is their decision and choice. They are the ones who should responsible and shoulder most of the consequence. First wives already give up half of time, half of husband, half of quantity intimacy and sex – for something that they do not decide to. Husbands and wives 2 enter polygamy with wide open eyes on situation and expected outcome of this. While first wives are trapped with blinded eyes, they have options but all may not give better benefit than they got before. What first wives could do is cut the loss by take full benefit of wives’s right, and use ‘free time’ for more ibadah, doing ‘me time’ enjoy yourself, spend and bonding more time with children, friends, parents, new hobbies.
    It is easier to say that done, but by exercise above suggestion strictly – will help first wives get use to new lifestyle. First wives could review and adjust all this practice along the way after some time with it.

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2017

    Women want relief from the pain that they think stems from being in a polygamous marriage. The pain that they’ll have if they enter the Hellfire will be more than a trillion times worse. Is it not better to experience the pain in this world’s life rather than the pain that she’ll have if she enters the Hellfire?

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2017

    Jasmine,

    What you wrote inspired me to write a new post/thread: Some Women Do Not Want to Accept Polygamy

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2017

    Jasmine,

    You said that you went to an Imam of the masjid (mosque) and he said that you have no grounds for a divorce. I’m assuming the reason that he said it is because you only cited polygamy as the reason for wanting the divorce. If that is so, you want a divorce because you don’t like what Allah has allowed (polygamy). You don’t like what Allah has decreed (that your husband married another woman – if it happens). You have a problem with Allah. It’s probably why the Imam said that you can’t divorce your husband.

    It’s important that you know that you may divorce your husband. Allah says there is no compulsion in Islam. It means that no one can force anyone to accept Islam. No one can force anyone to live Islam. Islam should not be forced upon anyone. So, if you want a divorce, you are entitled to one. You can pursue it. You don’t have to live in a marriage that you do not want to be a part of. But, remember Allah decides all things.

    So, it’s important that you know why people say that you have no grounds for a divorce. Not liking what Allah has allowed is not a valid reason for a divorce. Nevertheless, Allah allows divorce for those who don’t want to be in a marriage.

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2017

    Jasmine,

    You said there are so many men in the world who are happy with one wife. This is true. It’s just that your husband is not one of them. It is what it is. Facing reality is one of the most difficult parts of accepting polygamy.

    You said, “if my husband married a woman who was divorced or widowed or poor even if she was the most beautiful woman in the world I really think I would have respect for my husband for marrying even though ill be sad. As he will be giving life to these women who might not otherwise get a good companion.”

    Why do you think those women might not get a good companion? There is nothing wrong with widowed, divorced or older women.

    There you go still making excuses. You’re talking about what you think you would accept if the conditions were different – if he was going to marry a different woman. The reality is that the situation is as it is. Your husband has made his intention to marry the woman whom he is intended to. It’s not another woman. It’s the woman who your husband wants to marry. It’s not about who you want him to marry. As someone else here said, you are not the one who will marry the woman.

    If he marries the woman, it’s because Allah willed it for him and for her. Allah matched them. He put them together. It’s not about you.

    I will tell you that even if she was widowed or divorced or older or ugly or beautiful or Muslim or non-Muslim or whatever else that I didn’t mention, you’d have a problem with it. It’s because you dislike polygamy and don’t want your husband to engage in it.

    A single woman who has never been married is just as much in need of a husband as a widowed one or a divorced one or an ugly one or a beautiful one. It doesn’t matter just as long as she is a single (Muslim) woman. Most women want a husband. A woman doesn’t have to wait for or seek out a man who doesn’t have a wife already. Allah never said that a woman has to do that. You shouldn’t make up your own rules.

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2017

    Jamine,

    I know that you are hurting a lot. Believe it or not, most of the women here on this blog have been through what you are going through and/ or are still going through it.

    You said that you want us to understand and I pretty much think that most of us do. It’s why we’re here trying to help one another and want to help you as best we can.

    You said that you think that your husband intends to marry the other woman because he lusts for her. How do you know this?

    Is she a non-Muslim who he was messing around with before and now wants to marry her? Is she a non-Muslim who he has been phone sexting with? Is she a non-Muslim? Is she a prostitute or a female escort or a stripper?

    If you don’t know her to be any of those things or the like, what makes you think that he is lusting for her, which is why he wants to marry her? Did your husband lust for you before he married you?

    Sex is a part of marriage. Your husband may very well be looking forward to having sex with his intended. It’s what males and females who intend to marry and are making plans for tend to do.

    Even if he is marrying for lust, which you don’t know that – he will account to Allah for it. He doesn’t have to account to you for it because you are not your husband lord. You are not his keeper.

    You simply are trying to find an excuse for him not to marry her. You want to go to him with a reason or reasons that he should rethink his position on the matter. That is what is happening with you.

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    I just want to let you all know that the polygamy 411 website is super duper secure now. If you’re on a PC, you will see a green lock in the browser indicating that it is an https site now secured with a certificate. it’s as secure as if the site was taking visitor’s personal information such as credit cards numbers, bank account info., addresses etc. The site is encrypted.

    You will see a seal at the bottom of the site from Sitelock, letting you know that the site is scanned regularly for malware etc.

    Now, I still need to check into getting decent emoticons (smilies) here.

    Alhumdulliah!

  • Jasmine

    February 9, 2017

    Rosa, Im not putting words in your mouth.. your exact words were ‘Open your eyes and look around at all these disbelievers…’ you were giving example of disbelievers and so I said its irrelevant to me as they are not the same as us. You also ask ‘ how could he not love her and at the same time be marrying for lust ‘.. again Im sorry you dont know that there are many men who marry purely for lust. It is possible to lust for someone without loving them. And my whole point was that I am afraid my husband is doing just that and I am having hard time digesting that. Please try to be understanding of people’s pain instead of putting that person down by being harsh with them and on top of it giving wrong advise.

    Ummof4 thanks for your comforting words. Yes its good to know theres a support system like this blog where we can pour our heart out and meet people who have been through the same turmoil. Yes its possible that the understanding I have about polygamy stems from my culture/society and some wrong clerics spreading wrong message out there. I am trying to imagine how life is going to be after he gets married and to be very honest I have this big lump in my throat, my heart beats faster and I get what you call panic attacks….

    I cant force him to not marry, I dont think Im the type to be happy with him after doing that. He can do what he wants its ok but do I have to be subjected to this ? Can a woman leave a husband if she doesnt want to be in Polygamy? I dont want to make haram what has been made halal. If all parties are willingly entering polygamy its fine but in this case, he wants to do this and I dont. He will be happier with wives who are all good and understanding of this but clearly Im not, I have grown up with different thoughts….
    Im sorry im saying yet again but if my husband married a woman who was divorced or widowed or poor even if she was the most beautiful woman in the world I really think I would have respect for my husband for marrying even though ill be sad. As he will be giving life to these women who might not otherwise get a good companion. As some of you assumed I want a ‘ugly alien from outer space’ so she can be below me… thats not true. Please someone understand where I am coming from. Its not about the looks here. I can only speak from myself, Hand on heart, its not about how this girl looks, its about the fact that he is marrying because he can have more than one whereas there are so many men in the world who are happy with one wife…

  • ummof4

    February 9, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Jasmine, the circumstances may be different with your husband marrying a second wife, but it’s still the same. He is planning to marry her. The reasons don’t matter in the long run, but they matter to you a lot. You cannot prevent the marriage, so my advice to you is you do whatever you can to get used to the idea. What you were taught as far as reasons for a second wife was incorrect, based on culture or personal feelings – as Muslims we have to begin to think and feel based on Islaam. I know it’s easier said than done.

    Yes, you and your husband have a history that can never be duplicated. So now, concentrate on your present and your future together, In shaa’Allah. Be more concerned about your marriage and less concerned about his impending marriage. Try not to alienate your husband by being negative. You don’t have to be happy about him marrying another wife, but don’t let it consume you so much that you begin to dislike or hate your husband. You also do not have to be involved in his marriage process – he is getting anther wife, not you.You will have good days and bad days for a while, but Alhamdulillah you have us as a support system because we have “been there, done that”. You are not alone.

    Everyone have a successful day submitting your will to the will of Allah.

  • Rosa

    February 9, 2017

    Jasmine and you missed my point. I wasn’t telling you to look around at disbelievers to learn from them I was giving an example that all men Muslim or not desire other women. Please don’t put words in my mouth. A man is not going to marry someone he doesn’t love or is not attracted to. If you think you would feel better if she was a hideous alien from planet mars recently divorced you have another thing coming. Polygamy takes you to a different level of pain in the beginning stages but it all comes together with the help of Allah and in the end you thank Allah for the ups and downs because those tests make you a better person and you grow nearer to Allah. I see you are trying to derive any ounce of negativity from your husbands future wife she’s young well so was Hazrat Aisha, and how could he not love her but at the same time be marrying for lust you’re not making any sense. He’s probably not going to admit he loves her or is in fact attracted to her to make you feel better. Obviously he does. It’s not like someone is holding a gun to his head to marry her. It’s not like he’s the last man on earth to have a shot at marrying her. InshaAllah I pray you learn to accept polygamy and that a man can marry any four women he so chooses be they unmarried virgins, widows, divorcees because they are all permissible

  • Jasmine

    February 9, 2017

    Thanks everyone for your reply.

    Rosa, I think you have missed the point I was making. Yes all wives are equal, in my case – she is not a wife yet! You said ‘Open your eyes and look at disbelievers around you’.. I dont want to compare with disbelievers, they dont follow Quran or Allah, theres no reason for me look at them and learn any lesson.

    For everyone else asking why cant the reason he is marrying the second one be the same as the reason he married me..,,, He and I are childhood friends, fell in love and got married. In her case he barely knows her, hes not in love with her ( he said that himself). This makes me feel like he is marrying for lust. Younger, prettier woman and its allowed so why not, without realising what a big strain this is going to cause on our marriage. Growing up I was also taught polygamy in Islam is noble because it gives life to widow, divorcee or poor woman who otherwise wouldn’t have a companion. So maybe that is why this is hard for me to digest because I feel he is marrying purely for lust. The feminist in me feels a bit disturbed by this. I understand men are polygamous by nature but I feel this gives them a license to act on though urges. When in reality so many men are monogamous in spite of having other urges. Yes ofcourse there are men who cheat on their wives with mistresses etc but there are also men who are polygamous and still cheat on their wives with girlfriends..so this is not a cure for men who are sinful by nature. They will cheat eitherway.

    I spoke to our imam and he said I should be thankful that my husband informed me as many husband do it without wife’s knowledge. I told him I felt this was unfair and I want out as I dont think I can live with my husband knowing he wanted a second wife not for noble causes and that I have to share him. Imam said I cannot divorce for this reason, I can only divorce if he is unfair. I dont know what to do..I am depressed and feeling betrayed . I feel like why cant my hubby resist his urge for another woman like I have resisted in the past with other men….

    I am drowning in sorrow everyday :( :( : (

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2017

    Nothing cures social ills. This is planet earth, not Jannah/Paradise.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2017

    Xallma, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Men are good for saying polygamy is to cure social ills and is an act of charity. They say it in an effort to get the wives who married first to accept polygamy.

    Women repeat it and say others are charity wives to shame women into not accepting polygamy or to make them feel badly for having married in the order of 2nd, 3rd or 4th.

  • Xallma

    February 8, 2017

    Walaikum As salaam Rosa,

    That is the impression I have been given as and when questioning it, most say that it is in order to help society, in particular widows and divorcees. I was just looking for what sisters take on it is. And it makes sense Alhamdulillah. Jazakallah Khairum Ummof4, Ana and Rosa for clarification – Ameen to your dua Ummof4.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2017

    Sister Rosa,

    I guess we’re doing something right. We’re supposed to be with like-minded people.

    Anyhow, many women are of the erroneous belief that a man has to marry an undesirable, ugly dog for a 2nd, third or fourth wife. Any woman who isn’t married qualifies to be a wife. The main requirement is whether the person is righteous or not. It’s important that he doesn’t marry for lust. If he does then he will account to Allah for it.

  • Rosa

    February 8, 2017

    Sister Ana and ummof4 lol I just read your posts and we had similar opinions. Great minds

  • Rosa

    February 8, 2017

    As salaamu alaikum

    Xallma and Jasmine pardon me if I’m wrong but I’m getting from both your posts that a man can marry the first wife for whatever reason love looks pious strength courage but when it comes to any additional wife it has to be some sad guilt trip situation where the man has to rescue her from being a widow or divorcee or a single mom doing the d*mn thing. All wives are equal the only thing that differentiates them is piety, righteousness. You two need to accept your husbands can fall for adittional wives for the same reasons he married you. Polygamy is for all times not just back in the day during the time of the Holy Prophet PBUH. Open your eyes look around at all these disbelievers with wives and mistresses and side chics all because they don’t have Islam in their lives to educate them about the only way to live the perfect way. Men were created with an urge to desire multiple wives, up to four. Ben Muslim men with their secret wives. I think polygamy is just as important and prominent today as it was during the times of the Holy Last Messenger PBUH

  • ummof4

    February 8, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Xallma, thank you for your kind words. It is quite common and natural for women who have heard of bad experiences in polygynous marriages to be wary of them. You shave stated that the polygynous marriages in your family were less than pleasant.
    As with many areas in life, we hear more about negative issues with polygyny than positive ones. People with bad marriages, bad jobs, etc. will complain more than people with good marriages, good jobs will compliment their spouses and co-workers and employers.
    I will continue to make du’ah that Allah will grant you what you ask for – the ability to accept all of Islaam and to understand that Allah promises us success in this life and the next if we are obedient to Him.

    Jasmine, welcome. As Ana stated, men marry second, third or fourth wives often for the same reason that they married their first wife. Even though you cannot wrap your head around it yet, many men are capable of loving more than one wife at the same time. Women and men are different in their emotional makeup. If a husband marries a second wife, it does not mean he stops loving or caring about his first wife. And as women say “want for your sister what you want for yourself”, why should we not want our sisters to have a wonderful husband like ours? Don’t all women deserve a successful marriage, or is it first come-first served?
    We need to stop thinking that men can only marry widows, divorcees, elderly, barren or disabled women as second, third or fourth wives. All Muslim women are eligible for marriage as long as they are single.

    Everyone continue to strive to love Allah more than we love humans.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2017

    Insha Allah, we’ll be able to get our smilies back. The ones that we’ve got now look sick LOL

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2017

    Jasmine, Hello. Again. We welcome you!

    It’s not wrong that your husband is going to marry someone who doesn’t fall in the categories that you mentioned. Many women are of the impression that men must marry a woman who is divorced, widowed, barren, elderly or whom may seem undesirable. It’s not the case. Most women fail to pay attention to the fact that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) married a young virgin (his best companion’s daughter – Aishah) and some of his other wives were not as young as Aishah, but were young.

    Why should it be any different with another woman than it was with you? The same reason that your husband married you could be the same reason that he marries another and more.

    Most women want a husband. They want a good man to be the father of their children, to help them out financially and in other ways with the strength that Allah has given them. Women want a companion, love, affection and sex. I’m sure you wanted all those things, as well.

    For some reason women who marry their husband first think that they are in an elite group and all others who come after her are aliens or foreign. We all are women with the same wants and desires. It’s not them and us. There is no difference.

    I wrote this quickly as I must run. I may be able to get back here later this evening, Insha Allah.

  • Xallma

    February 8, 2017

    Assalamu Alaikum Ummof4,

    I respond to your message on the January discussion.
    Thank you for the kindness, it has actually bought me back to learn, maybe I felt attacked but that is my ego. But I am here to learn and to accept this element of Islam.

    Having looked back I can see that it does come across as against polygamy, and having introspect I can see that although I do not wish to have this, I do. But I want to accept it as a whole part of Islam and I don’t even know if I have a right to feel opposition against it, it is a permissibility from Allah the Almighty. Quite a turmoil within. Can I ever learn to love the concept of Polygamy, I hope so In Shaa Allah.

    There have been several instances where I have come across polygamy, which often made me question how is this even possible, sharing very much the views of Jasmine in her comment below. If the revelation came in the context of the battle of Uhud and to alleviate the problems of society, that situation does not seem to be apparent today, so why are brothers practicing this? is it not supposed to be protecting women who have been divorced or widowed? so how come they marry more than one for personal reasons, or sexual reasons even…this may be a flaw in my understanding, so not questioning religion rather my understanding.

    Isn’t is when Allah swt mentions within the ayah of permissibility, polygamy as exception rather than general rule? And telling us that if you cannot be just, to marry one, guiding us away from polygamy because there really is no way that they can be all treated equally and justly. So in the situation, I am always thinking, I don’t understand how polygamy is justified by a man – hypothetically.

    My grandfather was polygamous, although He no longer is alive – May Allah swt grant him Jannah, my grandmother had 6 children and the co-wife had one daughter. My father and Uncles all look after their sister. But this set-up had worked for my grandfather as one wife remained in Bangladesh and my grandmother migrated to Britain. But my own grandmother had great hostility towards her co-wife, so I grew up witnessing this. A lot of downgrading and seeing her as a lesser kind. My Grandfathers Cousin had 3 wives, and not everything was smooth sailing.I have also seen my friends parents engage in this structure. It worked for them for a while, but I was always told that it is not what it all seems, so I guess another negative association in my mind, I also hear of it being said casually in conversation and see the hurt it can cause a woman and I feel it too, is that the ego? I really can’t tell if it is a good feeling to have or not islamically, or is it showing that I need to reign my emotions at the thought of sharing my husband.

    Within discussion that I was considering to be a second wife, my mother and brother, and a number of my relative debunked the notion saying no woman wants to share their husband, no woman goes through it sane, the struggle and hurt is unbearable, being in the Uk I would not get my rights, what would happen in the event of his death, his family would hate me and call me all sorts, my children from the marriage would be seen differently, he will go onto marry another, or even leave me if I couldn’t deal with it, that husbands like that are doing it to use me, and ultimately that they would chose for the husband to leave rather than accept polygamy. They also pointed out my nature of being quite possessive and jealous and that it would create a whole lot of issues, that it is not something I would survive. Now me being me thought I accept this as part of Islam but my family are looking out for me so as they related the hadith of the Prophet saw telling Ali r.a to divorce Fatima r.a before he remarries ….but now I can see that despite me saying i am pro polygamy, I have be processed out of ever accepting it. So I apologise in hindsight for it coming across as that previously.

    BUT only Allah swt knows whether or not I will ever come to face this situation, I cannot out rule it, so I do want to get to a standing where I can have firm belief in the permissibility and acceptance of it. The beauty I see in it is that the women within polygamy carried out correctly are such devoted women to loving Allah swt and go through probably the greatest trial of sharing their husband, yet I get to see here that they go through it with a lot of hardship with full faith in Allah swt. I am in awe of how does one actually do that, I see myself succumbing to grief and depression in that situation, with it affecting my sanity and ultimately questioning fate whether or not I chose it for myself, i.e my husband marries, or I marry as second wife. Does anyone ever get into it and question it to the point of a sense of mistake and want out if they chose it?

    My greatest worry is that would I want to do it to a sister in Islam, if I would never want it done to myself? maybe thats a matter of perception, I really don’t know. Am I being selfish if I do take the offer to be a second wife, or if I stop my husband taking another wife, will I be sinning, will I be harming others, would that be sinning, i.e not doing something to hurt your brother or sister in Islam. A very complex amount of thoughts related to the matter.

    A lot to work and unravelling through as you can see. But I do not like that tightening feeling in the chest as I think about these issues, in astonishment that I have such feelings against what Allah swt has ordained does make me feel like I am not a true believer. Why am I not able to wrap my head around it, I’ve read about it and often understand it in historical context but in application today, I find myself rambling against myself as a lack of faith. I have to take islam as a whole, and be prepared to deal with anything that arises within the fold of Islam and what is permissible. I pray Allah swt gives me the hikmah and understanding to fully accept everything stated within Quran and Islam and give me hidayaa to follow the Islam in every aspect of my life.

    Ameen

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2017

    We have two newbies to the blog – Trevia and Jasmine. We welcome you https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif Please know I’m not ignoring you and, infact, I’d like to chat with you. It’s just that I’m swamped right now and can’t reach you. Insha Allah, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can, probably later in the day, if not sooner. Alhumdulliah, you found the sight. Stay tuned as others may input, as well, in my absence.

  • Jasmine

    February 7, 2017

    Hi All

    I’m commenting for the first time although I have been reading the blog for a long time as it looks like ill be in polygamy soon.
    My husband and I have been happily married for 6 years. However a couple of years ago he brought up the second wife subject. I was extremely shocked and saddened at the same time. We didnt speak about it after that so we moved on.
    Recently my husband has said he is getting married again. I know accepting/ dealing with polygamy is sad as it is for the wives but what saddens me is that I feel he is not doing the right thing or in the right way. Let me explain, he is marrying someone who is not a divorcee or widow, she doesnt have dependant children and is not poor. He is not in love with her yet ( he told me that himself as he has only met her twice and spoken to her thrice) Isnt this wrong in Islam? I am not ill, we have 2 kids together why is it ok for him to marry someone else? Many of our Prophet’s marriages was out of necessity wasnt it ?
    I am very confused and upset over this issue. I feel like my entire life is changing. I genuinely believe I would feel a little better about this whole situation if he was marrying a girl who needs the help…..
    I dont know how to deal with this confusion :(

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum, Okay Ladies,

    I made some adjustments to the site, so Insha Allah, everything displays nicely now. Please don’t hesitate to let me know if something is still not right.

    I see that the comments are at the bottom of the page on the mobile device. If I change it, the image of the woman won’t appear, and I think the image is important for people to recognize immediately that they are at polygamy 411.

    Sis Jasmina, I took the smiley emoticons down because the script/text shows up. The smilies may not be compatible with the new comment box that we now have. Insha Allah, I’ll continue to work on it, but we may have to do without them :-(

    Thank you all again for your patience and understanding. I appreciate it https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • Rosa

    February 7, 2017

    Tunis

    The mobile version of the blog I’ve realised does not work anymore. You have to scroll to the bottom of the page and press view full website and you will see everything is updated there. Also I’m so so happy for you, the place you reached in your polygamous marriage so timely your submission to the Qadr of Allah is admirable. May things continue going up hill for you sis

  • Jasmina

    February 7, 2017

    That’s okay lol I guess I’m not blocked haha
    You have to refresh Tunis. Open page and refresh to view comments.

  • tunis

    February 7, 2017

    Jazakallah Ana..and sweet dreams !

    LOL !…now I don’t see any smiley characters…sigh!

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2017

    Tunis, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Your previous post about you going on a holiday didn’t disappear LOL When I was trying to fix the site, I lost the entire blog. Alhumdulliah that the hosting company had a backup. The backup only was available only to the date of Feb. 1, 2017, which is why your post and Crystal’s and maybe some others are no longer there. They got wiped out.

    Sigh, Okay, it’s time for me to go back to bed. I’m super late getting there. See you after noon US, Eastern time.

    Everything appears to be okay with the blog now. If anyone is still having a problem, please make sure you’ve cleared your history on your device, cleared your cookies and cache and it should be working.

    Thank you Anon, for the notification https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2017

    tunis, As salaamu Alaikum

    Heres a link to the February Post/Theme https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-february-2017-discussions/

    You should be able to find it on the home page. It’s the second Post/Thread on the page. If you’re still having problems, you may need to clear your cache/cookies and refresh the page. If you’re on your PC, you may still be reaching the site location when the blog was having problems.

    I’m sorry for the inconvenience, Tunis. I have to run now. I’ll get back ASAP, Insha Allah.

  • tunis

    February 7, 2017

    Hello Ana

    Im having a problem finding new updated Feb. Postings….and here my comments dont seem to go thru…..my 2nd attempt….help????

  • tunis

    February 7, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum Ana

    I cant seem to find the new February posts…I am aware there was a problem….my last post never got posted….on loving a husband less thread…it was pending…but then went thru..and then  disappeared…..but still I cant seem to find the new updated Feb. postings on my phone…???   Where did ya’ll go???   Help!

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2017

    Rosa,

    You were a tremendous help. Thanks for notifying me of the problem.

    The problem wasn’t what the technician initially said it may be. They couldn’t figure out what the problem was. Allah eventually gave me understanding of the problem.

    The malfunction apparently was with the comment field (comment box) on the blog. There was no malware found on the blog and it hadn’t been tampered with. The site wasn’t compromised. The comment field was faulty and there was another similar issue with a feature on the site.

    The other day, I said that I wouldn’t invest in a SSL for the site. An SSL is basically for those who sell stuff on a site and take credit card numbers. However, to assure everyone’s safety and to have you all feel comfortable blogging here, I made the investment.

    The SSL should be in effect within the next couple of days. You’ll see the icon that is found on commerce websites.I’m waiting for the technicians to install it.

    So, along with the “Site Lock” (malware protection – see the seal at the bottom of the site), and the SSL, everyone can rest assure that the blog is safe for all to be here.

    Jasmina,

    I’m happy you were able to get your comment through. I’m glad everything is fixed too. I thank you, too Jasmina. I think you were the first one who noticed a problem when you thought you were blocked. LOL I think we’re back in business

  • Jasmina

    February 6, 2017

    Okay I just had to refresh to see the comments

    Im glad it’s fixed

    Salam

  • Jasmina

    February 6, 2017

    Trying again

  • Rosa

    February 6, 2017

    Salaam

    So glad the site is back up. Allah is Kind

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2017

    Okay, here’s a post/thread that I had begun to work on before the blog went Crazy Sign

    Adjusting to Marriage and Polygamy is Difficult

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello all you wonderful people out there in cyberspace, Salam

    We’re back up and running Clicking Your Heels. I’m crazy happy

    First, let me thank the kind and thoughtful writers who contacted me to alert me of the problems with the site here – particularly “Rosa”, “Nargis” and “Anon”. I appreciate it much. Many times I’m not aware that there is a problem with the site until a commentator here contacts me about it. Thank you much!

    You will notice that most of the posts from February thus far are no longer there. We lost them when the maintenance was taking place. I actually lost the entire blog at one point. I thank Allah for there being a backup of the site from the hosting company on their server.

    It appears the main problem with the site may have been with the comment box. As you will see, we’re back to the basic one. It’s all good

    I kindly ask you all to let me know if you see an issue with the blog, such as the “Contact Us form doesn’t work or something of that nature. The best way to do that is by way of the “Contact Us” form. Again, thank you all for your support and being a part of making this blog what it is, a success.

    polygamy 411

    I’m so appreciative and grateful to Allah for permitting the site to be back up and functional.

  • Jasmina

    February 1, 2017

    Nargis

    it sounds to me like your husband sees u as his wing man, his right hand person, so he expects u to understand and go along with what he is doing. The problem with that is that u are his wife and he is hurting your feelings, most likely unintentionally. You need to put your foot down and make it clear what you will and won’t accept and make it clear that you have rights which you have not given up and also expectations of him. At the end of the day it’s his problem he chose to marry again and so he needs to manage two wives, two households. It’s not good enough that he just focuses on one and expects u to step down. 

    After you firmly buy calmly make it very clear as crystal to him. Don’t nag about it and don’t chase him at all about it. Do not show him attention or affection but show him much respect until he comes around. If he doesn’t then after a month sit him down again and explain what you said last time and that you have seen no improvement after a month. See how that goes, if you don’t get any result the. Come back so we can discuss what next. 

    I have found that this works with my husband and a year ago he and I were so distant my option was to leave or accept a loveless marriage. I chose to accept and soon just gave up hope in being happy so I distanced myself but now he just can’t get emough of me and he is so affectionate allahmabarik. I’m so grateful alhamdulillah. It’s all from Allah.

    be strong, it’s not all dead and lost.

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for February 2017. We thank you all for being here. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussions. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the January 2017 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is:Polygamy 411 January 2017 Discussions