Polygamy 411 January 2016 Discussions

polygamy 411 January 2016 discussionsWelcome to our polygamy 411 January 2016 discussions. The polygamy 411 blog and support group is for all who have a positive interest in polygamy. We invite you all to join us here to talk about the topic. Feel free to discuss how it relate to your lives.

Our blog is not about how well anyone writes. It is not about punctuation, spelling, grammar, correct or incorrect English, or any of those things. Writing skills do not matter to us here.  We urge all to express themselves in a way that is easy for them. We allow our writers to use symbols, as well.

When reading the polygamy 411 January 2016 discussions, please be mindful that we are global

When reading the polygamy 411 January 2016 discussions, please be mindful that people from all around the globe are with us here at polygamy 411. For many who are here, English is their second language. For the people for whom English is their second language and they write here, it is amazingly awesome. We only need to know how difficult it was, and is to learn our own language to know what it takes for people to learn a foreign one.

I’m fascinated by the readers and the writers here. I admire anyone who can speak or read a foreign language.  I have hope that I will speak fluent Spanish one day before I leave the planet. Allah knows best if I will. There doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day to do all I’d like to do. I’m grateful for this blog. I thank Allah for it.

I am so delighted to have you all join our polygamy 411 January 2016 discussions

With a few exceptions, we welcome all on the planet to our home. Please share with us as much as you would like to share. Share what you are comfortable in sharing. We’d like to know your thoughts on what you read here, as well.

Please note, we do not accept anyone who is against polygamy. We will not allow anyone here to ask people to hate it. This is not a blog for those who reject polygamy as a way of life for Muslims.

Most people feel uneasy when they write on a blog for the first time. I remember the first time I wrote on one. It felt strange. I felt as though people knew who I was. Today, many know who I am. It’s okay. In fact, there is a kind of freedom in being known. Let loose. Don’t worry so much about what others think of you. Be you. There is only one of you.

For those who have missed reading any of the December 2015 discussions or would like to refresh their memory, the link to the thread is:

https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-December-2015-discussions/

With all of it said, loosen up. Relax and let’s chat…

polygamy 411 January 2016 discussions

polygamy 411 January 2016 Discussions


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357 Comments

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2016

    This thread is now January 2016 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the January 2016 discussions and welcome in February 2016.

    Please join us at https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-February-2016-discussions/

    January 2016 discussions

  • Tawakkul

    January 31, 2016

    Jasmina
    You’re breaking my heart, I truly wish the best for you in this life and the hereafter. I can imagine that it’s hard to be in a situation where you’re not really happy but you can’t seemlet go of a situation because you keep hoping things will change and you hold on to the memories from when times were good. If you ever come to a time where you feel it’s time to make a decision you should make istikhara which is a powerful prayer in which you ask Allah to guide you to whatever is best for you and make you content with the outcome. The prophet s.a.w used to make istikhara and teach the Sahabah how to make it as well, you can read hadiths about it inshallah. But I hope things get better and you’re able to rebuild a beautiful relationship with your husband.

  • Tawakkul

    January 31, 2016

    My husband and I just got back from a weekend away Alhamdulillah, I was just wondering how things like this work In a polygamous marriage. If you want to go on a trip with your husband let’s say for a week does that mean once you get back you won’t see him for a week to 4 weeks if there are four of you, since he has to spend the same amount of time with your co-wives?

  • Aisha

    January 31, 2016

    Jasmina… Hope you’re well sis.. You’re a very strong woman MashaAllah… May Allah swt grant you the best of both worlds.. Remember Allah swt does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.. Hang in there sister.. X

  • Jasmina

    January 31, 2016

    Gail

    Him and I married and he married her 2nd and a while after he divorced and now we remarried. They are not cousins but I think that the time I was away made an effect.. we lost our bond and they built one, that’s why it’s important to not be too far away even if separated. Also she is from his same nationality and culture and she comes from a wealthy family as I do not. I remember my mother in law came to my home before we were married and looked at everything and quizzed my mum on all we owned, my mum was modest and said we do not own much. Shortly after my husband tells me he has to marry another girl and his parents don’t want me for his wife even though we were engaged for many years and I was a part of his family already. Biggest betrayal, just because we were poor to their standards. After we got married and he married the 2nd my mother in law met some more of my family who were more boastful and she had a huge shocked look and said t me why didn’t you ever tell me you had this and that and that your relatives owned this and that… That is when it clicked but whatever. My husband comes from a modest family and poor also, him and I are the same wealth wise but they look down on us. Money is not a huge drive in my family, some days you have some days you do not, it’s no big deal, we always had everything we needed and everything we earned went towards the household. Alhamdulillah.

  • Jasmina

    January 31, 2016

    Gail

    Yes money is an issue… We don’t even have a fridge. He just bought co a late model car as she is pregnant. So yeah I’m so angry. I don’t ask him for much and he bought most things on my credit card saying he will pay it off during interest free period but didn’t and now gets angry at me for having an interest bearing debt. I could go and get a job and forget about having more children and pay all the bills but for what? I get no attention, no affection, no time with him, nothing. So he will only love me when I am a stick figure and bringing in cash. I have ran out of ways of talking to him. I have tried focusing on Allah and that is helping me to feel nothing for him. I have no idea how to repair our marriage other than to just seek Allah for his mercy. As angry as I am I just think where do we fit in his life… No money for us, no time for us, why are we here. Maybe I aught to cut my losses and go even though I do not want to but it’s getting too much. Anyhow thanks for reading my rant.

  • Jasmina

    January 31, 2016

    Fatima that is a page from my book. Please keep in touch, I want to know what works for you. Inshallah something works out for you, I’m sure it will as u seem very determined. I know I want to shake the boat but do not have the courage to….yet

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2016

    I just want to remind you all that we will begin a new post/thread for the month of February. Insha Allah, it should be up just a bit after midnight. You all are welcome to revisit this January thread to continue to read it or to refresh your memory. I’ll put a link to it over there.

    Have a wonderful day or night, whichever one it is on your part of the world. It’s 12:00 noon where I am.

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2016

    fatima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    It’s good to hear from you, Sis. There is another fatima who writes here. There may be a third as well. I’m not sure. I get confused when I see the name. I think the former fatima now puts a squiggly by her name~ Once I read the posts, I can tell. I’m still not sure if there are three of you.

    fatima, it’s good you’re keeping yourself busy and it’s awesome that you are back in school for your Masters. Isn’t it such a good feeling to know you’re putting such wholesome, good, nourishing stuff in your body. I thik you would like doing pilates and yoga. You said you want to try them. Both of them should make you feel so good. I have DVDs for both. I have another workout that has some ballet, pilates and other stuff that isn’t a mat workout, so I get some cardio in there, as well. Although with the right yoga workout (and I don’t mean power yoga, which I think is some strenuous, sweaty mess), but Hatha-yoga.

    It sounds you do really good things for yourself and you’ve got your head on straight. If you are very unhappy in your marriage and it is sucking the life out of you, it may be time for you to make your intention to get up out of there, like you said. Keep making duah that Allah will guide you to what is best for you. You’ll be just fine with the help and permission of Allah.

    @jasmina,

    You seem to be in a similar situation as fatima. If and when it’s time for you both to make that move and exit the marriage, you’ll have no doubt. It will be easy for you. It will be Allah taking you out of it. You won’t have any doubt.

  • Gail

    January 31, 2016

    Mari2,

    U got that right about Noah’s ark! Plan ahead Plan way ahead!!! hahahah

  • Gail

    January 31, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Yeah u got that right I am not a huge fan of inlaws.They drive me 9 kinds of crazy lol

  • Gail

    January 31, 2016

    Tawakkul,

    It’s funny everyone says I am blunt in my post but I really don’t mean to be it just comes out that way.Happy u like it though.

  • Gail

    January 31, 2016

    Ana,

    I am in hopes the magnesium is fixing my twitching problem.I don’t feel weak and no twitching at all today and only one twitch yesterday so feeling hopeful.
    I will start on coconut oil as well and hemp seed.I found hemp seed at walmart for 15 dollars for a a large container.

  • Gail

    January 31, 2016

    Jasmina.

    I kinda keep hearing this resounding theme in your relationship that your husband has issues keeping two house holds.For some reason I get the feeling his first wife is up in his face about the money situation and I bet u she has screamed divorce a time or two.I don’t think your husband is mentally strong when it comes to her not sure why but it sure comes across that way to me in your post.I think u said u were married to him first if I am correct then u divorced and he married her then remarried u if i am correct.Logically speaking If this is correct I would think if u were his first wife he would lean more toward your side but thats not the case.I am curious does his other wife and him have some kind of connection like being cousins or knowing each other or some kind of close family connect?

  • Gail

    January 31, 2016

    Jasmina,

    It is more expensive to home school than sending them to public school.U have to buy everything.I think he is not thinking straight.I been home schooling for 8 yrs and believe me unless your heart is in it I wouldn’t dare try it.
    On the flip side I love Home Schooling my kids simply because I can keep an eye on them and I know they r not mixing up with bad kids to be frank.In m case I have 3 children and u only have the one so just for his mental health u might have to send him so he can have other kids to be with.
    Don’t stress out to much about your husband just focus on your son if and when u get enough then just divorce what else can u do.

  • Jasmina

    January 30, 2016

    Aisha

    Yes my husband does it. It got really bad so I figured it out and told him to leave his problems at the door as I wasn’t his punching bag. I am happy to talk or help figure a solution or just give him a massage but I wasn’t going to let him cause us problems because of the other. He stopped but I can still tell as he has a bad mood. Also my husband has been criticising me a lot lately and been plain nasty and I have a feeling it is because he goes to the other wife’s house in the evenings and he knows he is doing wrong so causes problems between us to maybe justify it in his mind.

    You know he is so unfair with our son and I that I just about had enough. I know I deserve better, my son deserves better. My son sees him once a month because he always comes home late and leaves early. My sons starts school this year and he doesn’t want to pay for it and asked me to home school. I’m over it soo bad and just waiting for some more sh&$ to happen so I can walk away easy. And hoping he might change but I’m not holding my breath.

  • fatimah

    January 30, 2016

    Salaam everyone
    Its been some time since I have spent some time on here. I read through posts but have not had the time to respond to anything. I know there is another Fatimah on here and she may have been on here way before me,Idk.
    I decided to go back to school and go for my Masters. I started the spring semester and I am super excited and busy.

    I started looking for houses and jobs in a different state. Recently I viewed a video on youtube regarding Muslim women in abusive marriages and how its wrong for us to stay in them. IT was such an excellent piece and really opened up my eyes to how much women are conditioned to suffer in situations that ALLAH swt speaks against. One point the sister made that was so profound to me was the example of Asiya r.a that people use to manipulate women into staying in their abusive marriages. she said that Pharoah was bent on killing the baby that she asked to let her keep. He was killing all the baby boys but let his wife keep Musa a.s. She said she was very influential, and only when she became Muslim did she suffer religious persecution. If she was abused, how did she have so much clout the Pharoah?? it was really eye opening. The sister talked about having tawwakal in Allah, total reliance. I walked away thinking that its really time for me to make some kind of moves. I can say Ok, I am going to make this and that move and know that inshaALLAH ALLAH will help me. I honestly dont know what else to do in my situation. I feel like I have exhausted waht I could and its time to shake stuff up a bit. If we always do what we always did, we will always get what we always got. If we do something different, the results will be different. I dont expect ti to be easy, but I have to start some where….Just the thought of getting the heck up outta here, out of this disrespectful ass situation brings me some kind of happiness. I promised inshaALLAH I will take one day at a time. Im not waiting for my husband per say to come home, but he is expected here and he has no regard to time when it comes to being home. However he comes home very early on the nights of his other wife. Consistently. Not oh tonight i had soemthing to do. Its almost every single night. I dont have to deal with this shi*. Im sorry, Ive had it. ITs not even about that. Its just the constant disregard and disrespect. Im not trash and its a build up PRIOR to Polygamy. Shes a damsel in distress and that never worked for me. But it works for her. Its been a year and they still seem to be in the clouds. My issues were prior and they still exist in my own personal. That side just makes it like a pin in my a$$.
    Anyway, we plan and ALLAH plans and HE is the best of planners but HE still tells us to plan. Whether it works out or not, giving it a shot is for me.

    Ana,I started drinking smoothies to detox and I love the flax seeds as well! I blend kale, blueberries, almond milk, ice and flax. I also have a green powder that I throw in every now and then especially if I have no greens. I am looking to really get healthy. This year I want to starve the distractions and feed the focus inshaALLAH. i am excited about having more energy and being clean on the inside. Gail, Ill look into that hemp. I want to do for myself this 2016 adn I dont mean it in a selfish way. I have rights and my body has rights over me. My children has rights over me. Trust, whatever plans I have for myself, benefit the people I love and the people I want to help. Im thinking of doing pilates or yoga to bring some physical activity into my life. Lessen the stress one day at a time.

    Aisha, I agree with Gail. Men cant turn themselves off. Sometimes they can and sometimes they cant. I can tell sometimes and its irky because it spills over into your time and she has no regards for me. she’ll text him through the night.

    Idk who said it but I read someones post way down and she said dont worry, everyone has their turn for justice desert I know I shouldnt but I definitely look forward to the time when ALLAH turns the tables. she had a nice year of sweetness at my expense. New baby on the way, no regard for me, never said any happy birhtdays or eid mubariks to my kids. Never got to know them, nothing. Its been about her and him like we dont exist. and how he tolerated that from her is beyond me and really made me lose respect. Like you dont care taht she has never tried to get to know the kids? How about even try to be apart of the family. Anyway, Ive said enough and my tid bit for the day. May ALLAH forgive me. Pardon me for everything that displeases HIM.

  • Jasmina

    January 30, 2016

    Thanks Ummof4 I appreciate that ayah.

    Gail lol looks like they get under your skin

  • Tawakkul

    January 30, 2016

    Yes gail that’s great advice!! Pretty much what I was trying to say too, lol I love how straight forward and blunt you are

  • Jasmina

    January 30, 2016

    Tawakkul thank you. I will make note of that. SubhanAllah there is nothing more powerful thank Quran and Sunnah. Inshallah it will soften my husbands heart. He holds grudges and should get over the past. I got over what his family did and what he did to me for the most part.

  • Jasmina

    January 30, 2016

    Thanks Ana

    Yes I guess I cannot do much about it. He brings it up when we disagree about something, usually something pertaining to our son. Or if I disagree with him, he always finds a way to bring them it even when it is irrelevant. He hates my mom as she spoke up against his family when they mistreated me, and she got sheikh involved which he Says humiliated him. My mom also took the blame for a lot of things I did so he wouldn’t divorce me and so now even when I tell him she had nothing to do with it he doesn’t believe me. It’s a long story but basically it’s things that happened many years ago and he has a grudge. My family hated him but as soon as we got remarried they embraced him back. Though he has only ever spoken to them cordially twice since we met and at most seven or so times, he isn’t interested in getting to know them or showing them any respect, I feel that he feels superior to them because most of them are not muslim. He says he hates the way they live, they are scum, he makes fun of my brothers says they are not men and my sister because she was divorced. No respect whatsoever. anytime I mention my family, he will start talking about how great his family is, and how great his upbringing was etc. I mentioned that I admire my mom and that she is my inspiration and he went on to say that I am a failure and will never succeed at anything etc and it took me a while to relate the two but it was because I praised my mum. I made him something and dared to say it was my mums recipe and he didn’t eat it. From his pov my family have humiliated and disrespected him and his family.

  • Tawakkul

    January 30, 2016

    Hello Aicha,,
    I want to encourage you to renew your intentions if you do decide to become Muslim, Dont do it just because you want to get married, make sure you’re doing it because you believe it’s the truth and you want to submit to Allah and accept Muhammad s.a.w as his messenger.

    Then in terms of marriage you should be wise in who you pick as your partner because the goal is to be with this person for the rest of your life, and also in Jannah. Make sure to consider the persons character and how sincere they are in their religion, and how much they fear Allah, these qualities are essential for a happy, healthy marriage whether it’s polygamous or not. If a man doesn’t have these qualities then he may not be a good choice because marriage is not just about this life it’s about the afterlife too.

    Also it is extremely important that you research and understand what your rights would be once you’re married to a Muslim man, and also what his rights would be from you, Allah has given us these rights to protect us and keep us content so I really stress that anyone who plans to marry a Muslim man learn these rights before getting married.

    And then last this is absolutely my opinion: If you choose to get married to the man who proposed to you then I believe it’s a good idea to encourage him to speak about it with his wife. She doesn’t have to give him permission but it would be better and safer for everyone if she is informed. I believe it’s better this way because it would be more merciful to her and her children and it’s better if he tells her honestly instead of her finding out herself one day, we should want for our sisters what we want for ourselves. And it’s also better for you, that way he will have to take full responsibility and have no excuse but to give you your full rights.
    Secret marriages are actually disliked in Islam, and some scholars even say it is forbidden. The prophet The Prophet s.a.w said: “Make the marriage well-known, open and announce it.” And in another hadith, Prophet s.a.w said, “the distinction between what is permissible and what is forbidden is the playing of the duff and the singing (at a wedding).”

    Last, if you choose to become Muslim and you want to get married, you should make isikhara, I encourage you to learn how to do this and make istikhara before making any big decision especially marriage, the purpose of this prayer is to ask Allah to guide you in making the right decision. it’s honestly so amazing and I’ve made istikhara for all of my marriage proposals, and I think Allah truly guided me to make the best decision of my life

    I hope this helps you with your situation.

  • Mari2

    January 30, 2016

    Best advice I ever got: it wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2016

    Aicha,

    LISTEN TO GAIL. She gave you EXCELLENT Advice. Take heed.

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2016

    Gail,

    I’m so happy that you and the kids had a blast. I was sure you would. I imagine it was somewhat like having hit the lottery on a much smaller scale. It’s so cool getting the pics taken with the check and all. It must have been loads of fun. The biggest thing I’ve ever won was when I was non-Muslim. I went to the “Budweiser Festival” at the Stadium in NJ and out of all the I don’t know how many thousands of people there I won tickets for two on the party train to Montreal. It was like a four night trip. It was overnight getting there on the train. We stayed two nights in an upscale hotel in Montreal and it was overnight coming home on the train. They had a DJ and drinks and everyone was dancing in the isle. We woke up to “bloody marries”. I took my sister with me (the one who has since passed away) :-( We got the royal treatment cuz I was the beauty queen. Sorry about tooting my own horn. LOL It’s was loads of fun. I love, love, love Montreal Canada. I’ve been back there a couple of times with the hubz. I’ve won a basket of cheers once when I was non-Muslim, as well. Another time I won a bridal doll when I went to one of those bridal shows. It was all when I was in my twenties. Since I’ve become Muslim, I haven’t won a thing.

    I’ve heard of Hemp, but I don’t know anything about it other than what you have now just told me. It’s interesting. So you and your son both are twitching now. It definitely must noT be Parkison. You must have been happy to see him twitching too LOL You two are just two twitching fools LOL I just had to say it. I’m in a crazy mood right about now. Don’t mind me.

  • Gail

    January 30, 2016

    Aicha,

    Welcome to the blog I am Gail. Listen if u love the guy and he loves u then talk to him and ask him straight if he is going to tell his wife and family about u or does he plan to keep u as a secret wife.Also ask him since u know polygamy is hard chances r his wife is not going to be accepting of u and u need to know upfront if she causes any problems he is going to stick with u and keep her under control.If he says he is not going to introduce u to his family as his wife then walk away also if he doesn’t give u a clear answer about keeping his 1st wife in check after your marriage then again do not marry him.U right up in the dowry a really good sum of money Enough to buy u a home and whatever else u may need in case he tries to divorce u in the future is my sincere advice.DO not and I repeat Esp…since he is Saudi make him agree to buy u am home in advance with just your name on the deed to the home or u get enough to buy a home in your marriage contract.
    Now listen as far as his wife u can not worry about her she is not going to be happy about u and that is that so don’t focus on her side u just focus on your side.Also u need to find out if after marriage he will want u and his 1st wife to live together or separate u have to find all this info out before u agree.
    Listen if he wants both u wives to live together it will be really hard so I would suggest to u before u agree to that u tell him u will try but again get it written in the marriage contract that if u can’t live with the first wife for any reason he will pay for your own home.
    I hope this helps to give u something to think about.
    If u both love each other then it is ok and it is cool being a second wife I was a second wife.There is no difference between being a second and a first really to be honest.Just don’t play into the first wife and her jealousies and anger and u will be fine.

  • Gail

    January 30, 2016

    Aisha,

    Don’t worry about it he will figure out soon enough even if u don’t tell him.
    Girl u better make sure he don’t hurt u or demand u have an abortion just be careful.If he has ever hit u or u think he might then better u tell him over the phone.I don’t know if he is abusive towards u or your cowife but u better figure out fast.I worry they might try to hurt u or poison u so please please be safe and careful for the sake of your baby.
    As far as your husband taking crap put on u that cowife does it is normal he is not a robot that he can turn his emotions off and on that part just comes with Polygamy sorry to say.

  • Gail

    January 30, 2016

    Ana,

    We had a blast at the party.They presented us with a large check to take pictures with.lol it was really fun and the kids enjoyed.THey had cake and gave us all kinds of gifts as well.Afterwards we took the kids out to eat Mexican it was a nice day.
    Listen since u r into nutrition have u read up on Hemp seeds?I read that u could actually live on nothing but Hemp seeds and never have a nutritional deficiency.I was like WOW and watched some video’s about Hemp and Marijuana.I was shocked to find out all the uses about Marijuana and how it became outlawed.There is a documentary on Youtube by this guy named Jack Herer and the name of the documentary is called”he Emperor wears no clothes”. It talks about how Marijuana and how it used to be the number one crop grown in America and even George Washington grew Hemp.They used it for everything including making paper and I believe they said the Declaration of Independence was written on Hemp paper.What happen was after slavery ended it was cheap to grow hemp anymore because they did not get the slave/free labor.They claim it was cheaper to just cut down trees instead of growing hemp so that is exactly what they did.Also u can make clothes out of hemp and it can be used in place of fossil fuels and not to mention medicine.Really a very interesting read and I learned all this because i heard a doc on youtube claim that Hemp seed was so great.It was big eye opener for me.I have never smoked marijuana in my life and was 100% against it now I am not so sure what I think but I am sure going to start taking hemp seed into my diet.lol
    I don’t really think I have Parkison’s Disease simply because my son is getting twitching as well and he is 14.I think maybe we got low magnesium or something.

  • Aisha

    January 30, 2016

    Ladies I have a question.. When your husband is annoyed at your co does ever somehow by accident take it out on you too? Has anyone experienced this? Also guys I still haven’t told him about me being pregnant.. The co is about to give birth any time soon and she’s acting absolutely crazy! I just can’t find the right moment..

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2016

    Aicha, hello and welcome :-)

    First, I want to say, don’t worry about your English. I understood all that you said. How you write is not important.It’s only important that we understand. Okay.

    Secondly, what you asked is very difficult to answer. Just as you don’t know what to do, it’s just as difficult for us to advise you.

    I think it’s good that the man who took your virginity has offered to marry you. I hope you and he prayed to Allah for the wrong you’ve done in being intimate without being married. Allah is a Forgiving and Merciful God. Don’t tell anyone else what you’ve done. Keep it to yourself. I don’t know what country you’re in, but some of those backward countries will stone you to death, if you tell them you had sex without being married. DON’T confess it to anyone. Don’t confide in anyone about it. Keep it between you, him and Allah. Ask Allah to forgive you and have mercy on you. Make it your intent not to have sex again until you are married.

    If you love him and he loves you, perhaps you should get married. It is evident that he loves you, as he asked you to marry him. Polygamy is difficult for most people, but it’s doable. The ladies on this blog have done it or are doing it. If you become Muslim, first and foremost read the Quran, study and learn Islam, it will make it easier for you to accept being in a polygamous marriage. You could be very happy in such a marriage, if you make worshiping and serving Allah priority in your life. Don’t make it about your husband.

    You said you are jealous. Well, it comes with the territory. In time, as you learn your religion and grow nearer to Allah, the jealousy will subside. It may resurface every now and again, but all you need to do is recognize it, remember Allah and lo you’ll see and be alright.

    About marrying your husband 2nd. It’s okay. There is nothing wrong with marrying a husband in the order of 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th. What makes one wife different than another is righteousness. The one who is most righteous is the better one. If a woman feels as though she is a mistress, it’s because of her thoughts. No one can control her thoughts other than her. She has to remember Allah so that she doesn’t think those negative things about herself, her marriage, polygamy, her husband or anyone else. A woman has to make herself feel good about herself. It’s not for a husband, a co-wife or anyone else to do it for her. You have to like yourself and your marriage and own it. Be proud. Hold your head up high. Be a wife who married second and be proud. Don’t allow yourself to feel less.

    One other thing. If anyone ever ask you what type of Muslim you are, if you become Muslim, only say, you are “Muslim”. It’s what Allah named us. It’s in the Holy Quran. The other names people attach to themselves or others give them is wrong. You aren’t supposed to be a certain type of kind of Muslim. Allah calls us “Muslim” in the Holy Quran. It is what you should be.

    I hope what I’ve said was helpful. Maybe someone else has words for you. If you have any more question or just want to chat, we’re here for you :-)

  • Aicha

    January 30, 2016

    Hello Ana and everyone

    I’m a not Muslim women and my mother language isn’t English so maybe my sentences isn’t correct English but I’d like to leave massage here.
    If my comment makes someone feel bad I’m very sorry.
    I had a relationship with Saudi men and he is married, l know he has a wife after we did sex. And he is a first person for me doing sex with men. Its meaning I was virgin still then.

    Ive interested in Islam and studying about Islam religious for 4yers. And I respect Islam also I feel confutable Islam life style and sense of values. I’m thinking when I all understand Quran I decided to become Muslim.

    So this happened (lost my virgin before marry) was made me feel sad and bad, specially I scared myself treat as misstres by him, but he proposed me be second wife of him.

    Now I’m considering a lot about be second or not, if I’m be second maybe no one being happy except the men. Me, my future kids, his wife and her kids have to share one men.
    But I wish to him take my responsibility of virgin. And l love him and he love me.
    But I live my country and he lives his country with wife. I have a jealousy when think he had more than wife.

    I research about polygamy marry and I found this blog, I read about polygamy page and understand that there are many options and they have unhappy life and changing life. They are not looks easy…..

    I can’t find conclusion,,,
    To be or not to be…….

    I really appreciate if you would advise for me.

    Thank you.

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2016

    Gail,

    You are one busy bee. Congratulations on winning $1,000.00. I used to win things a lot, but then it came to a halt :-( Anyhow, You a blast at the party. It’s so cool that you won.

    It’s nice that your kids have an idea what they intend to do regarding careers. Many kid, even when they get to college, don’t know. They have direction. You and your husband running a business helps as well. They see it and it could be a motivator. God willing all will pan out well for your family.

    I bought some coconut from Whole Foods that I’ve been taking a spoonful of whenever I remember. Insha Allah, I’ll go take a spoonful when I finish typing here. I put ground flaxseed on top my salad. I love it. It makes my salad taste soooo good. It’s Organic Ground Premium Flaxseed by Spectrum. It’s not expensive. I get the value pack at Whole Foods. I eat broccoli quite regularly. I love eating good nutritious foods and taking supplements.

    I hope all goes well with you at the doc office and you don’t have Parkison Disease. It could just be your nerves. Try not to think the worse. So, your big day is next week, huh. Well, if I don’t speak to you on that day, have a HAPPY BIRTHDAY :-)

  • Gail

    January 30, 2016

    Ana,

    Girl it is has been wild at my house.We are getting ready to start a new Ice Cream season.Hubby got it into his head to order Popsicle molds from China so we can make our own popsicles.He has hired a company in Pakistan to make all our wrappers and print all our ice cream cups.We have been having business meetings all week coming up with designs for each individual popsicle wrapper and cup.Every single time i think we r going to leave this business he just get more involved in it.I now believe he will not leave it and he will end up making his own ice cream company before all is said and done(although I have no idea who he will get to run it as my boys are already studying the FAA handbook to become pilots)My youngest has in his head he is going to own his own private Airline and is dead serious about it(not sure how that is going to pan out in the long run with so many aviation rules so lets see.)My daughter is going to go into the cooking industry but not sure exactly what.Either she will do a PHD in Holistic health focusing on healing the body through nutrition or she will open her own food business(were not certain just yet)we r playing around with ideas in her case.
    Also we had to file taxes as everyone does and Since we have started our new business “Rent to Own” Mobile homes we have totally given our tax guy a nervous breakdown and wants us to get to an attorney to get everything worded 100% correct.lol I had already planned on doing that this season anyway but he is driving me crazy.I have to go in today and chat with him more on the topic.
    I don’t know if anyone on the blog does their taxes through H&R block but they have this promotion going on this year to where the r picking a 1,000 people a day for 30 days to win a 1,000 dollars.Well we were one of the 1,000 dollar winners so we have to go to a party today for all the winners at our local office to be presented the 1,000 dollar check.My kids acted like we won a million dollars.My husband keeps telling them gus it is only a 1,000 dollars not a million hahaha.
    The kids for some reason our really excited about this for some strange reason.
    Hubby and I our getting such a kick out of watching the kids be so excited about this.They are like they r throwing a party for us and we have to go shopping.So off we go to the mall hubby and I just giggling and let them shop till they drop yesterday for clothes and shoes etc… I don’t know what has gotten into them lately.Then my birthday is next week and I wanted to buy a dishwasher from lowes but it seems kitchen cabinet is to small for it so I am scratching my head what to do about that as I really need a dishwasher.My youngest son and daughter OH MY they r driving me NUTS about my birthday!What steakhouse we r going to eat at to what gift they r getting me…lol They just sit and chat on it 24/7 and although i find it sweet and endearing they r driving me crazy lol
    Also I got an eye allergy so had to go to the doc for that not to mention for the last 2 months I have had some twitching going on in my right thumb and kinda ll over my body.I started taking Magnesium and it has got some better but I have to go to the doctor Monday to try to figure out whats going on there.Parkison Disease runs in my family on my dads side so bad.I have read that it is not Herditary but I don’t think I believe that totally because my Both my dads parents had it and now he has it as well and now I am starting have tiny twitches as well.I don’t shake but if I have it then it is coming.I sure hope I don’t get that crap to be honest I have seen my family members suffer with it but with having cancer twice now in the last year and having a very slow emptying stomach issue on top of that it seems the odds are not to much in my favor these days.I have changed my diet to adding in alot of seeds like flax seed and chia seeds and going to add coconut oil and Hemp seeds as well.Also I am eating boat loads of broccoli and other things as well to try to change my body naturally.I do feel pretty good overhaul and way more healthy so lets see.
    I guess that is it for now.Got to get the kids up and around so we can go to our 1,000 dollar party! hahahaaahh

  • Gail

    January 30, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I am not a big fan of my inlaws so I really can’t help u out about your husband badmouthing your family as I am guilty of that myself.LOL
    My inlaws drive me insane and I mean INSANEEEEEE!!
    It is so bad when hubby and I fight that my husband actually accused me of trying to run over my father inlaw which was so not true.I was just pi$$ed at my husband so i peeled out and it just so happen my father inlaw was walking towards the car.Now granted there have been times I would dearly love to run over that old man and back up the car and do it again but well of course I wouldn’t do it because I would go to jail.LOL butttt if i had one free “Get out of Jail free” Card I would consider it.lol They drive me Crazy!!!

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2016

    I think it was something like- there’s his truth and there’s her truth, but the real truth lies in between.

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Unfortunately here we only hear one side of the story. I think it was ummof4 who awhile back said to us, there is his story and then there is her story and the truth lies in between. How I said it wasn’t verbatim, but it went something like it. Sometimes a wife may bad mouth the husband’s other wife to the Husband and, in turn, he says something hurtful back to the wife. I’m not saying it is what happened in your case. We have to be mindful that Allah says, don’t tell someone to do that which you don’t do. If a wife is bad mouthing another or contributing to the problem, she needs to get herself right before she starts telling the other what he’s doing wrong.

  • ummof4

    January 30, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Jasmina, I agree with what has already been said concerning your husband talking bad about your relatives. Although it may be difficult for you, try to ignore his comments and tell him to fear Allah. It sounds as if it won’t do any good to talk to him, so maybe you should write to him. Write a note that includes the Ayat 12 in Surah Hujarat “O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion; indeed some suspicions are sins. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it. And fear Allah. Verily Allah is the One who forgives and accepts repentance, Most Merciful.”

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2016

    Gail,

    Where you be at? I miss you! :-)

  • Tawakkul

    January 30, 2016

    Assalamu alaikum Jasmania
    I think the best way to deal with this is to remind him to fear Allah because what he is doing is backbiting which is a major sin, and by saying that your son can no longer see his grandparents he is cutting the family ties, and this is something that is regarded as spreading mischief on the earth.

    Allah says “And those who break the Covenant of Allaah, after its ratification, and sever that which Allaah has commanded to be joined (i.e., they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to their relatives), and work mischief in the land, on them is the curse (i.e., they will be far away from Allaah’s Mercy); And for them is the unhappy (evil) home (i.e., Hell).” [al-Ra’d 13:26]

    And in a Hadith Abu Hurayrah reported: The Messenger of Allah s.a.w said:

    “Allah created the universe, and when He had finished, kinship (al-rahim) stood up and said, ‘This is the standing up of one who seeks Your protection from being cut off.’ Allah said, ‘Yes, would it please you if I were to take care of those who take care of you and cut off those who cut you off?’ It said, ‘Of course.’ Allah said, ‘Then your prayer is granted.’”

    Then the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “Recite, if you wish: ‘Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship? Such are they whom Allah has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight. Do they not then think deeply in the Quran, or are their hearts locked up (from understanding it)?’ [Muhammad 47:22-24].”

    Narrated by al-Bukhari, 5987; Muslim, 2554

    So you should remind him of this in the most polite way you can so that it doesn’t come across in an accusatory way and cause another argument. Inshallah Reminder softens the hearts and benefits the believers. I hope this helps with your situation

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2016

    Why does he hate them? Is it because they don’t like how he treats you or that he is polygamous? Do they like him? Regardless, he shouldn’t say your son can’t see his grandparents, just because he has a disagreement with you. I could see if they were feeding him pork sandwiches or something to that effect.

  • jasmina

    January 30, 2016

    thanks Ana. usually it is when i disagree with him about something. he will badmouth them and say my son cannot see them again. hmm i think its his narcism coming out. even if its an unrelated conversation he will bring it up. he hates them though.

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2016

    Selma,

    By the way, you did good in telling him to stop insinuating that you are better than his other. As you stated, he could be telling her that she is better than you. He shouldn’t say anything negative about either to the other. It’s a good thing that you nipped it right in the bud

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2016

    Jasmina,

    There is nothing you could do other than tell him that you don’t like when he badmouths and say terrible things about your family. He does it because he knows it gets to you. When people are angry and fighting with one another many times they want to hurt the other. A way to do it is to say bad things about the ones the other loves. In your case, it’s your family. I know it’s not easy to ignore him when he does it, but it’s what you will have to learn to do so that he may stop. It will make life easier for you, as well. You have to be the one to silence yourself, as he can’t argue but so long by himself. Let him go crazy and you stay as calm as possible. We can’t change other people. They are who they are. They will have to want to change themselves before a change can occur. You must remember that he is not getting away with anything. When people act out the way he does, they only ruin their own soul. Insha Allah, he will want to change and he will seek Allah’s help to do it.

    You contribute to it by arguing back with him. I’m sure he doesn’t walk into the house and start saying, your mother is a Swearing smiley face and your father is a ^%*^%. If he does, you need to leave him cuz he’s done lost his marbles. What gets the two of you to the place that he lashes out at you by attacking your family?

  • Jasmina

    January 29, 2016

    I have a quick question. How would you deal with your husband hating your family. Mine hates my family and speaks badly of them when we fight. It’s getting to me. It’s one thing that he criticizes me but another my family when he has never taken the time to get to know them.

    I hope you are all doing well inshallah

  • ummof4

    January 29, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Speaking of “we do messed up things too”, sometimes I put food on the stove to cook and forget about it. Alhamdulillah, my husband always checks behind me so I don’t burn down the house. It’s the little things that mean a lot.

  • Tasliyman

    January 29, 2016

    Thank you Ana

    And thank you for yet another eye-opener – “we do messed up things too”

    I’m so quick to notice all the things he does wrong I conveniently forget when I do inconsiderate things. I’ll try to keep that in mind as well.

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2016

    Tasilyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    What a beautiful post! I’m sooo happy for you about all the progress you’ve made and all your realisations. It’s remarkable. Alhumdulliah! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It’s all inspirational.

    We all have so much to be grateful to Allah for. He has given us everything from the air that we breathe. I thank Him for the water that feels so delightful when in the shower and that I don’t have to go down to a lake to bathe.

    You are so right. Our husbands aren’t perfect. They will say and do things that may hurt or upset us. We do messed up thing too. They may be a test for us. Did we pass it? How did we react? What did we do?

    About the women who try to make another feel badly because she’s a 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife, you’re right. We all will account to Allah for the wrong that we do. A woman who married first gets the same treatment. Many people, including some Muslims hate polygamy, so they treat any woman whose in that type of marriage badly. They have Allah to answer to for it.

    All we need to do to have a beautiful life filled with contentment, peace and ease is do all that Allah says in the Holy Quran. He promises it to those who do as He says. He is the ONE who tells us to focus all our attention on him and on nothing and no one else.

  • Tasliyman

    January 28, 2016

    Aslm

    These last five years of marriage has been like a rollercoaster ride for me. At times I’ve been very happy and at times I’ve been very sad and lonely.

    To think that the answer to all my problems is captured so accurately in one explanation by ummof4 on how to let the pain go away.

    Such a basic principle – focus on Allah. Not your husband, not your problems, not what your husband is doing with the other wife, not on who he love the most. JUST FOCUS ON ALLAH. Do what you need to do to gain the pleasure of Allah. That is basically it.

    I’ve been changing my life over the last month or so by shifting my focus and the results has been almost instant. I’m happier, more content and things are actually going my way. All obviously by the grace of Allah.

    I used to wonder why this had to happen to me, why do I have to be a second wife when so many others get to have their husbands to themselves. Now I am so grateful to Allah for sending me my husband with whom I now have a beautiful child and I realise there are so many other sisters who do not have husbands and long to have children and families of their own.

    I am lucky (blessed actually) also that my husband really is a good man. Just reading some of the posts on this blog made me realise that even more. There are many men out there who are horrible to their wives and just use and abuse women.

    I had another incident with my husband yesterday that in the past would’ve set me off in a whole depressing mode of being sad and feeling sorry for myself. But now, I can acknowledge the fact that my husband is only human. He will probably continue to do and say stuff that will hurt me but there’s no need for me to react the way I used to. Allah will keep on testing us, we need to have sabr (patience).

    Life is not without problems now, but I make a point of doing things differently. That way I’m sure to get different results.

    I use to feel that some ladies who are their husband’s only wife would act as if they are superior to ladies whose husbands are polygamous. To this I say:

    1. I may quite possibly have been wrong in my assumptions and let my own insecurities fill my head with nonsense;

    2.But if they actually do feel that way – I say that being a second, third or fourth wife doesn’t make you any less of a person in Allah’s eyes. What anyone else think of you do not matter. And if they are just out to make you feel bad because of your situation – they will have to answer to Allah so it really is non of your business, just let them be.
    (Just had to get that out of my system)

    I’m so happy that I found this blog, it was here that my eyes opened and I realised what I’ve been doing wrong.

  • ummof4

    January 27, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Tawakkul, as you stated, the overwhelming majority of Muslim men who are married only have one wife. It is also important to note that when people are happy or content in their marriages, they may not talk about their happiness or contentment much. On the other hand, when people are unhappy, miserable, or feel that they are being treated unjustly, they don’t hesitate to tell the world about it. When I think of the marriages that I know about that are or have been polygynous (and I know a lot of them over 40 years), at least 50% last 10 or more years. That’s about the same percentage as monogamous marriages. Personally, I haven’t seen much difference between the success rate of monogamous and polygynous marriages.

    I agree with the ladies on this blog that some Muslim men prey on the new revert Muslim women. I believe that it is important that each woman begins to study Islam by reading the Qur’an; then compare the behavior of the Muslims around her to how the Qur’an says that Muslims are supposed to behave. I have often had sisters in the new shahaadah class that I teach completely ignore the advice of myself and my other students and jump into a marriage. The ones who marry very quickly usually end up divorced in less than a year. Unfortunately, many women mistakenly believe that “marriage is half of faith” and rush to get married even before they know how to make salah. Men and women are encouraged to fast to reduce sexual desires, but very few people try fasting. Then they don’t have a proper walee, and fall under the spell of the men who want to marry them. Or they marry quickly because they want to have sex or a place to live if they don’t have their own home Sometimes I feel sorry for new shahaadah sisters and sometimes I don’t; particularly if they have been warned and completely ignore the warnings.

    Tawakkul, in answer to your concern about the pain associated with your husband being married to another woman going away, the answer is very simple, but is difficult for many to understand. Yes, the pain does go away once a woman acknowledges completely that she does not own her husband, her husband does not own her, and that she and her husband and his other wife belong to Allah. It has to be complete acknowledgement and understanding of the concept that we as humans have no control over others, and limited control over ourselves. Then, the husband is not the most important person in a woman’s life. The woman learns to love Allah more than herself, and to love herself more than she loves her husband. It is a process, but with complete faith and trust in Allah, it’s possible for any of us.

    Everyone, stay warm and happy. Be careful out there if you are in the part of the US recovering from the blizzard or flooding. And remember to make du’ah for ourselves and others.

  • Tawakkul

    January 27, 2016

    It’s good to know that that eventually it does become just a part of regular life, I guess at the end of the day, peace of mind and happiness comes from Allah

  • Tawakkul

    January 27, 2016

    Alhamdulillah in my opinion polygamy is just and in many ways it’s a favor to the women just as much as the men, and I know that if I were to think otherwise then I would be a disbeliever and I would be picking and choosing in the religion of Allah. There are a lot of horror stories when it comes to polygamy, but that’s because some of the people who practice it are unjust, immature, or uneducated about it. Allah is just and Islam is just but that doesn’t mean people are always going to be just. And that goes back to what ummof4 said about not all men being the same, some are good and others not so much, and the ones who are unfair will deal with the consequences on the day of judgement. So what scares me is not the polygamy itself, it’s just that I don’t want to get hurt, and end up like one of those stories. When I first wrote on this discussion thread I was extremely upset, but looking back it was probably whispers from the shaytan. Although I am really interested in learning more about polygamy so I can have a better understanding of it.

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2016

    The difference is ummof4 was receptive to polygamy from the onset. She was more open minded about the world. But, as far as the outcome, I think we’re on the same page about it.

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2016

    Tawakkul,

    What ummof4 will probably answer with regard to your question will speak for me, as well. I think ummof4 and I are pretty much on the same page. I’m limited as to what to say about my life on here. I’d imagine ummof4 would say it becomes like a regular, every day. There is no more pain, devastation, heartache etc. It becomes ones “normal”. It quite beautiful. Life becomes better than it ever was. I think it’s a process. If a woman focuses on her husband, she’ll stay in a rut. If she does what Allah says, and focus ONLY on Him, she’ll be just fine. Allah’s promises are true. You seem to know your Islam and you want to do the right thing; therefore, your would probably fare well with it barring bumps and bruises of going through the stages and taking the journey.

    It’s usually the ones who want their husbands to marry others, and want to try to accept polygamy from jump street that it doesn’t happen for. They end up not living polygamy. The ones who dislike polygamy and do everything to avoid it or think it won’t happen to them, it’s the one it happens to.

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2016

    Tawakkul,

    It’s good to hear your friend didn’t leave Islam entirely. I remember when I first reverted, it seemed just about everything began to go haywire for me. It was weird. But, I got through it with the help and permission of Allah. I think it was because I was constantly reading and studying Islam. I had a thirst for knowledge. Alhumdulliah. My family didn’t turn their backs on me. They didn’t approve of me accepting Islam, but they didn’t change towards me. I had to change towards them with regard to where I could go with them and what I could do. They let me know of their disapproval of my acceptance of Islam subtly, except for when my younger brother threw my Quran across the room. My step-dad gave me a talking to about how the Muslim guy was going to get me strung out on drugs and crazy talk. I freaked out on him. I remember the day. I feel badly about it. He’s dead now, anyhow. May Allah forgive me for what I”ve done wrong.

    I can’t remember. Did you say you’ve spoken with your stepdad about his unjust treatment of your mom or his just one of those types who just don’t listen?

  • Tawakkul

    January 27, 2016

    Ummof4,
    You’re absolutely right, every man is different, And my husband is very different from my stepdad and my friends husband, Ive been doing a lot of research and apparently only 30% of Muslim men are polygamous, that’s a minority, so I shouldn’t expect my husband to become polygamous especially when he tells me he’s not interested in it. But for my own sake I’m going to always keep in mind that it’s a possibility because he is allowed to marry up to four and I will not be one of those women who denies my husband his rights. I figure that way if he ever decides to marry another it won’t be an enormous shock.

    For those of you who are first wives or didn’t know you’re husband was already married, I have a question. People say that when you first find out it’s extremely devastating but after some time you get over it and it becomes just another part of regular life, is there any truth to that statement? I always imagined that it is impossible to completely get over it. Even though the pain and initial shock will become less intense overtime, it would still be something hard to deal with especially when you are faced with reminders that there is another woman.

  • Tawakkul

    January 27, 2016

    Walaikum assalam, Annabellah

    I’ve absolutely lost every ounce of respect for my stepdad, I think he’s just selfish, how dare he demand his rights from my mom and his second wife and even demand beyond his rights and then refuse to give them their rights.

    As for my friend, only Allah knows what is in the hearts of the people, but I truly believe that she was sincere, I don’t think she became Muslim because she wanted to get married. She was Muslim for a year before I met her but she was extremely misguided by some of her previous Muslim friends. When she started practicing properly and her mom began to notice changes that’s when she kicked her out. She spent a whole night in a 24 Hour laundromat before we found her because she refused to return to a home where she couldn’t practice her religion. She stayed with us nearly a year and we only saw good and sincerity from her. I think part of the reason she was desperate to get married was because she felt like she was being a burden on us, and she wanted to have a place where she could feel like she belonged and be comfortable. Unfortunately she forgot that Allah will always test those who say they believe and didn’t expect her marriage to be such a difficult trial and I think that’s what broke her down. She’s still Muslim alhamdulillah I think she’s just lost a lot of her strength when it comes to standing up to her non Muslim mom and staying steadfast upon what’s good. May Allah guide her as well. She also no longer feels welcomed in our community because her co-wife has consistently been slandering her since she left.

  • Tawakkul

    January 27, 2016

    Aisha,
    I hope everything goes well for you inshallah,

    It’s extremely disheartening that so many reverts are targeted, I thinks it’s because it’s a lot easier to fool them. I always encourage my revert friends to learn their deen before getting married, but they usually don’t listen. I also believe that a lot of the women who go into polygamy have good intentions but unfortunately a lot of men who practice polygamy don’t hold up their end of the bargain and they tend to rob these women of their rights and opress them. And on the other hand the ones that do have good intentions in the beginning later realize that they didn’t consider all the hardships, and responsibilities that could come out of this decision but it’s too late to turn back so they end up not being able to fulfill the rights of their wives. May Allah protect us all. Of course there are cases where everything works out great by the will of Allah and that’s always a beautiful thing to see, it’s unfortunate that the good cases are a minority.

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2016

    Tawakkal,

    About your revert friend, it’s sad that she didn’t listen to those who warned her not to marry that loser. We suffer the consequences of our actions. I’ve known of women who excepted Islam and when their marriage went bad, they left Islam. You said your friend reverted and wanted a husband desperately. It sounds your friend had made a husband her priority and didn’t make Allah it. She didn’t fall under Allah’s protection and hence got a bad husband. It’s evident that a husband was most important in her life by the fact that she’s basically left Islam when the marriage went bad. I’ve know of women who take the Shahadah only to marry a Muslim man. They will suffer the consequences for their actions. She can’t blame the man whom she married for leaving a bad taste in her mouth about Islam. She has to blame herself.

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2016

    Tawakkal, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I just finished reading your post. Thank you much for sharing with us what you’ve experienced in terms of polygamy being a part of life by way of your mom. I’m not surprised that your step-dad sneaked behind your mom’s back and married another woman. Based on what we’ve heard here on the blog, it’s not unusual for the men to engage in polygamy by sneaking around and doing it without the first wife knowing about it. It is a cowardly thing to do. If they can go marry another they need to be man enough to discuss it with his first wife before he does it. He doesn’t need her permission, nonetheless she needs to know about it, as it will impact her life.

    I’m not surprised the Imam told your mom that it was her fault that her husband married another, as she had neglected him. He told your mother an untruth. Many Imams and Scholar don’t rule and give advice that is based on the Quran. I don’t know where they get their information from, but it’s not from the Holy Quran. It’s why I encourage all Muslim women to read the Holy Quran to receive guidance and ask Allah to teach them. They should seek refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed before they read it. They should especially read it in the early morning hours around Fajr time. They should read it with sincerity to learn it to apply the lessons to their own lives and live what they learn. Allah gave us the Quran and He has said He made the Quran easy to understand and remember. One must be a believer to get the understand. No one needs an Imam or so called scholar to tell them what Allah says. Allah gave the Quran to us for us to learn and live by. He tells us to READ.

    I think jasmina said something very important to you about seeing another wife for your husband as a charity wife. She is right that no woman wants to be seen as a charity case or pitied. If one wants to look at it that way, all women are charity cases because all women could use some help with something. Most women would like a husband; it’s enough charity in itself. A woman who views another as a “charity” case usually does it to belittle and degrade the other woman. It’s usually done to hurt her. The one who calls the other or insinuate the other is such is arrogant.

    Insha Allah, things will get better for your mom. The other woman got what she asked for. She wanted your step-dad badly for so long. I suppose her prayers were answered.

  • ummof4

    January 26, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Tawakkul, thank you for sharing your story with us. Often when women become very anxious and paranoid about polygyny, it is because someone near and dear to them has had a terrible experience with polygyny. Such is the case with you.
    Remember, Tawakkul, you are not your mother and you are not your friend. Your husband is not your stepfather or your friend’s husband. He is your loving and caring husband. Please do not discuss polygyny with him unless he brings up the subject. You have too much sympathy for your mother and friend to discuss the topic in a decent fashion. Help them as much as you can, but try not to let their situations affect your marriage.

    On another note, your friend is still married until she delivers the child. This is to put protection on the pregnant woman and to avoid any questions of paternity. If she receives a khulah now or if her husband grants her a talaq, neither one is final until she delivers the child.

    I will make du’ah for all concerned, especially your mother and your friend.

    All of us, remember to thank Allah for all that He has given us on a daily basis.

  • Aisha

    January 26, 2016

    Gail.. I’m going to break the news to him tomorrow Insha’Allah.. If you guys never hear from me ever again you know it didn’t go well… Shaila make sure you check up on me.. Lol X

  • Aisha

    January 26, 2016

    Tawwakul wow subhanAllah that’s so sad.. Sadly from where I am this is common.. And reverts are always targets! It’s so sad that they use ‘islam’ as a cover up. May Allah swt protect us all.. You just never know who to trust! Most women go into polygamy thinking it will bring them closer to Allah and will strengthen their emaan one way or another.. It’s devastating when polygamy is abused!

  • Tawakkul

    January 26, 2016

    I also have a best friend who was a recent revert, before I got married we took her into our home when her mom kicked her out for becoming Muslim. She was the sweetest, most loving person. All she wanted was to be a good muslimah but she was desperate for a husband. There’s this one terrible brother in our community who has been divorced about 12 times, he has this obsession with polygamy even though he can’t afford it and will stop at nothing to get his 4 wives. Unfortunately it never works out for him because he’s extremely mean to his wives. He always goes for reverts who are a little overweight so he can manipulate them with his version of Islam and make them feel worthless and insecure because of their weight. He recently just found a wife that is able to put up with his abuse because she’s just as bad as he is and she convinced my best friend to marry her husband. We warned her and told her about his history but she was stuck on the idea that we just don’t know the full story. So she married him and he had her and her co wife living in the same tiny apartment (this apartment is smaller than average). She was basically the live in babysitter and maid and she had to sleep in the tiny room that looks like a broom closet. When it was her night he would come visit her then go back to the main room with his main wife. He and his first wife were cruel and verbally abusive to her. She finally snapped when she found out she was pregnant and he was trying to move a third wife into that tiny apartment. She started speaking up for herself which only created more issues and she ended up leaving them to move back with her mom, she even got a restraining order against both of them. Since then she’s really lost a lot of iman she used to wear niqab with me and we would go shopping for abayas and khimars together but she took all of that off and barely wears hijab. She doesn’t want to speak to any of us and avoids the masjid 100%. Now she has to be a single mom and live with her mom who hates Islam and is pushing her to leave. Her ex co-wife keeps telling everyone that he never gave her a divorce and she never got Khula so technically they’re still married. When I found out what happened to her I was so devastated, I loved her so much and It hurt to see her like this. And I think that’s what propelled my fear and anxiety. It only added to the drama with my mom and It just shocked me when I realized that this could be me in a few months or a a few years.

  • Nadia

    January 26, 2016

    Jasmina thats so cute ma sha allah :D if i might ask are you in a polygamy marriage?

  • Tawakkul

    January 26, 2016

    Ummof4,
    I’m sorry if this is a lot it’s sort of a long story. Polygamy isn’t something common in my family but it’s something that has recently been affecting my family. My biological father died when I was 11, he was the best husband to my mother and the most caring father, there’s nothing he loved more than his kids which was good and bad in a way because he neglected his deen, he refused to give charity or spend anytime on anything other than his job and his family. He worked extremely hard to provide for us more than we even needed we lived in a big house, had maids and chauffeurs, nice cars and everything we could even ask for. But then he got sick and lost all his money, we still lived decently but not nearly what we had before. I never really got to experience having a father figure in my life because he was sick the majority of my childhood and he died when I was young. My mom isn’t very affectionate so I lacked that my entire life. Which I think also explains my attachment to my husband. My mom remarried my step dad and the beginning was good, but then everything went sour, I would go into details but it would be too much.

    A few months ago my mom found out my stepdad married another woman behind her back. When she asked him about it he lied and twisted the truth until his sister finally stepped in and told him to stop being a coward. The other woman is living in another country and she just so happens to be the paternal cousin of one of his ex wives. Her and the ex wife grew up in the same house like sisters but she always had some kind of jealousy towards her cousin, and she always wanted her husband. She had previously tried to get him to marry her but my stepdads father refused and forbid his son from marrying her, as soon as my stepdads father passed away she came back with a vengeance. She told him that she saw him in dreams and she went to a souf sayer who told her that she was meant to marry him, so my stepdad fell for it (this is black magic btw). He says the only reason he wanted to marry her was because he wants another child. (he has 6 kids who all despise him with a burning passion because he was never in their lives) but if that’s truly the case then he’s really foolish because she’s already older and getting to the point where she might not have anymore kids, also he plans on leaving her in her own country and only going to see her once a year for a month, which to me is messed up and cruel. He’s broke and can’t keep a job longer than 6 months. He has her and her two children living in a rundown area in a tiny house that’s practically falling apart, he only pays 40 dollars a month for it yet sometimes he begs my mom for the money to pay for. His other wife is already complaining that he’s not taking care of her and that she feels like she’s getting the short end of the stick, she doesn’t even know what she got herself into. He actually just got back from visiting her for a month and my mom had to buy gifts for her because he was too broke and she had to take money out of her own pocket to pay her rent again, its just not fair.

    My mom wanted a divorce but she got advice from the imam that married her, he told my mom that this was all her fault because she neglected my stepdad. The majority of their marriage they were living separately because my stepdad wanted her to move herself and her 3 children into his little tiny house which already contained 7 people not including 3 of his kids that would come a couple years later. He also wanted my mom to work and help him pay bills even thought that’s not her responsibility. My mom had a good job and she didn’t want to leave her stable job to Struggle at another job, earn way less and struggle to take care of us, my stepdad barely takes care of his own kids.

    So because of this they stayed together, even though she secretly hates him deep down, and curses him every chance she gets. And my mom began making plans to move with him since me and my siblings are all older and independent now. She was in the middle of quitting her job but she recently found out that if she stays at her job 4 more years they’re going to give her a large amount of money compensation. This guy automatically started packing his bags and moved into my moms house which she’s been begging him to do for years now. Of course he wants some of the money, he even had the nerve to tell her not to spend any on us and that he has a dream to open some kind of shop and he wants to be business partners with her. The sad thing is he wasn’t always like this, he used to love my mom dearly and he used to love us a lot too. I remember playing with him and following him all around our house when he would come visit, he even used to kiss me on the lips (out of love not pedophilia) and I would ball my eyes out every time he would leave.

  • ummof4

    January 26, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Tawakkul, I agree with the other ladies. You should concentrate on yourself, your relationship with Allah, and your relationship with your husband. There is a reason that you are so paranoid about polygyny. Did one of your family or friends recently enter into polygyny? Do you have a family history of polygyny? Try to identify where this fear comes from and ask Allah to relieve you of this paronoia.

    You say you are young. You do not know what the future holds, and your feelings towards polygyny may change as you age. Stop thinking that you can control your husband, your life or your marriage – you can’t. Control belongs only to Allah.

    May Allah grant all of us His mercy and blessings. And to all of my blizzard sisters, enjoy the time that we are stuck in the house.

  • jasmina

    January 26, 2016

    Nadia I met my husband before I was Muslim, we were in highschool. It was an instant attraction and we fell in love instantly however we were friends best friends for ages before we fully expressed our feelings. We got engaged about 2 years later. Sigh. Best 10 years of my life. Everything else has just been sh*t so won’t even bother mentioning. lol sorry.

  • jasmina

    January 26, 2016

    thanks Asiya

  • Nadia

    January 26, 2016

    Salam aleikum sisters!
    I love this blog and i really want to thank you all for giving advices and helping other sisters.Im not from a English speaking country so excuse me for my bad English lol.
    I just want to hear from sisters who are in pologamy marriages how did you all guys meet your husband, how did you accept him having another wife and when you did get married how was the reaction of his wife. Im just curious to hear all of you stories. :D <3

  • fatima

    January 26, 2016

    Lol its asiya here just i have to use different name at the moment as my phone has died

  • fatima

    January 26, 2016

    Assalamu alaykum tawakkul, thankyou im glad it helped

    I just want to let yu know yu are very blessed and i know you may be scared at the moment to lose that connection with ur husband but yu must know yu most likely would lose that connection with him once you step into polygamy trust me! if not lose it alltogether the connection it would change and you will feel worse than what yu do now.

    Inshallah you and ur husband thrive in ur marriage and have a blissful life too.

    I agree if it wasnt for this blogsite and for Ana alot of us would be suffering and clueless on what to do and struggling. Its great to know that we are not alone and we are all here for eachother

    Its great we can all give our experiances and opionions out to on here

  • asiya

    January 26, 2016

    Jasmina I think ur name is very beautiful

  • Tawakkul

    January 26, 2016

    Jazaakallah khair, sisters for all the advice Asiya your posit made a lot of sense thank you so much. I think you’re all right the shaytan loves to break down family units. What I’m dealing with right now probably has a lot to do with his whispers. I think sometimes I forget to be content with what Allah has blessed me with already and I stress too much about things that may or may not come in the future, only Allah knows the unseen and he is the best to take care of all affairs. Alhamdulillah my husband and I have a good relationship, he’s become my absolute best friend in the time we’ve spent together and I guess I’m scared of losing that connection. But I should be grateful instead of complaining. I pray that Allah grants all of you whatever is best for you in this life and the hereafter and make any test you may be facing a means to get closer to him. Alhamdulillah I’m glad I came here to dish out my feelings before doing anything stupid, you all really helped clear my mind. Thank you for keeping this blog running I’m sure it’s a great comfort for a lot of sisters who are facing marital issues, everyone needs a safe place to express their frustrations every once in a while

  • jasmina

    January 26, 2016

    That’s ok… my post is gone but that’s ok i think it was a bit insensitive anyhow. But yeah Tawakul seriously it seems like you have a very good marriage masha’Allah and you are bored or something lol. Allahualem your test may come so enjoy every second of the great marriage you have, hold onto it tight, and maybe do other things to keep you busy. It makes no sense that you fear your husband marrying someone else out of love or because he is bored of you so you will go and find him a wife instead. What the. No sense at all. lol, get rid of those fears. Just like your husband learned to love you more over time he can learn to love another spouse over time too even if it was a charitable marriage. Secondly don’t I feel it’s degrading to say that a man married you because he pitied you and felt sorry and wanted to help you, that would hurt me so bad to have a husband like that. Some of the women on this blog have issues that can truly make you wonder if the husband loves us or not. Issues like abandonment, neglect, abuse, etc etc. regardless of polygamy. You don’t seem to mention anything going wrong in your marriage, so don’t wonder about something that isn’t real. Instead focus on thanking Allah for your blessings and Allah will ease your insecurities insha’Allah. I wish my husband told me he loved me, at least once. Dang.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    Excellent point!!!

  • asiya

    January 26, 2016

    That’s the truth and also he will try the hardest with those who have high faith and close to Allah

    Because with the others he has already got them hooked

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    I love the saying that goes something like – The greatest illusion that Satan created was to make us think that he doesn’t exist.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    You said a mouthful!!! It seems it’s what’s happening with Tawakkul.

  • asiya

    January 26, 2016

    Lol thanks sis,

    You know I was just thinking and it’s so true ,

    Food for thought, one of the biggest success the devil will try to gain is the destruction of a family unit

    For if the family unit is broken it is easily corrupted and can bring alot of problems into society

    And then a society becomes corrupted

    Wow what an achievement the shaytan try so hard for and what an affect it has

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    It’s okay, sis. We’ll understand it. I know about phone typing. It’s the pits lol

  • asiya

    January 26, 2016

    Oh dear I made so many spelling mistakes I hope you all understood it and didn’t get the wrong msg I’m using my phone amd it’s so hard! Lol

    Thankyou Ana that means alot I hope all is well with you and with everyone

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    I meant to say, anyway, if it was similar it’s okay. It’s all good.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    asiya, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I didn’t read yet what you wrote Everyone if it was similar it’s good. The way you worded it could may have given her and all of us a better understanding. Thank you for taking time to write it. It was very thoughtful of you. :-)

  • asiya

    January 26, 2016

    Lol sorry I just repeated pretty much what Ana and Gail wrote I’m a but slow stupid phone.

    I was 18 when I married I know the feeling ur so young and trust me yu have a long way to go and alot of learning and growing up to do you will get there inshallah take care of urself

  • asiya

    January 26, 2016

    Salamu alaykum Tawakkul, I understand were you ate coming from..

    When coming into polygamy you need to understand it is a very serious subject expecially if yu are thinking of finding one for ur husband, be careful because not all women are good and alot of women come with baggage, not all women are of good temperament and many have the same type of jelousy you feel.

    You must also remeber the consequences and affect it will have on ur husband men don’t get much fun in polygamy well not many that u know of because it is a huge responsibility you shpuld speak with ur husband make sure he is mature enough, mentally prepared and expecially financlly prepared, and mabey he might not even like the idea of it.

    You shouldn’t fear of ur husband getting bored of you expecially if ur being the best wife to him and if yu feel you are not you can become.
    Remeber that we are always changing and growing and developing and learning so ur husband cant get bored of yu. And the best thing to do is change and grow and become better people improve urslefs together as a husband and wife should.
    You should concentrate on ur relationship instead of worrying he may want a second because it may cause problems for yu and ur husband if you get into it. It may seem like a good option but it can turn out ugly. Expecially if the people in it are not ready and like I said mature enough in all aspects.

    If I was you I would put my focus on Allah and trusting him, these anxiety can be a form of the shaytan trying to get to you he knows every humans weakness and will do whatever it takes to pull yu down.
    If I was you I would focus on improving urself for Allah and to become a even better wife for ur husband, look after urself ur health, ur apperance ur insides etc etc, there are so many things yu can do to make ur relationship thrive.

    I know for a fact men Love respect.
    Men love when yu do something for them without them having to ask as of yu know what they need for example my husband was in bathroom and was a very hot day I thought he would be thirsty so instead of waiting for him to get out I went in and gave him a cool iced drink, he thanked me for it and after told me that what I did made him so happy and proud of me he felt so much love and respect like he was important and loved like I knew him well.
    Men love women who look after themselves and the family.

    Focus on building the family yu already have,

    But if yu are sure you want to get into polygamy communicate to ur husband first and be smart and wise with it DON’T THROW ur selves into something you will regret later!

    I have so much I could say and it’s hard to write it out so plz exuse me of its a bit all over the place lol and for spelling mistakes

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    My Crazy phone keeps approving and unapproving comments.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    Tawakkul,
    Alhumdulliah. Everything is going to be okay. You’re welcome here. Come chat with us whenever you get so inspired. We’re here for one another. Well, I’m going to try to get some sleep. It’s 4:00 a.m. where I am God Bless! :-)

  • Tawakkul

    January 26, 2016

    Anabellah
    Walaikum Assalam, I’m going to take your advice and relax, and just trust that Allah is the best of all planners, I think deep down I know I’m just being paranoid for no reason, sometimes w just need to hear it from someone else. We’re currently making plans to go study abroad and eventually make hijrah inshallah, I should focus on learning some Arabic and increasing my relationship with Allah instead of worrying about something that probably won’t ever happen unless I aggravate it. May Allah reward you sisters for everything and rectify whatever situation you’re currently in

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    Tawakkul,

    Your fears come from you listening to Satan’s whispers. Satan wants to keep us full of fear. He’s using polygamy to do a job on you. Allah says fear nothing but Him. You have to turn to Allah to remove your fears, as only He could do it. Living polygamy won’t do it. Allah will only remove your fears when you begin to put Your faith and trust in Him. Read the Quran and ask Allah to teach you what He expects of you. For instance , Satan threatens us with poverty. Allah promises us His bounties and all good things. We have to do our part to get it.

  • Tawakkul

    January 26, 2016

    Gail,
    Thank you for your comment, It’s not about getting a woman who is below me, or lesser than me. The only thing that makes a person better than another is piety, and I don’t think my husband would base his amount of respect based on something like virginity, unless the woman lost hers through zina or something, the prophet s.a.w married different women some had been previously married and others were virgins and he respected them all. We both agree for different reasons that if He were to become polygamous then adding a woman who already has children to our lives would be most beneficial. He feels that way because of the barakah of taking care of orphans and benefitting the ummah by taking care of our sisters in Islam who have to struggle and raise their kids by themselves, leave the safety of their homes to make ends meet, and not being able to watch over their own kids. As for me I think it would be best because I’ve always wanted a large family, and honestly it probably in part has to do with me feeling threatened too. I’ve never thought of mupyself as a controlling person but I guess maybe I am. But I agree that I need to relax and enjoy what I have right now. I’m still very young and it’s probably just my PMS speaking right now, I’m not crazy I promise you lol

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    The people who do the best in polygamy are the ones who all come together in a marriage to serve and worship Allah. It’s their goal. They don’t do it for personal gain; although rewards will come from it.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    Tawakkul, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I do think you are being foolish for thinking about suggesting it to your husband. If he does eventually agree with you to appease you, you may be putting your marriage at risk for no good reason.

    You need to work on what is bothering you and it has nothing to do with polygamy. Allah has blessed you with a husband who loves you and only wants you. Why are you trying to sabotage it? Enjoy your marriage as is.

  • Tawakkul

    January 26, 2016

    Anabellah
    I just want to let you know that I didn’t come on this forum to cause fitnah or to argue, I came to seek advice from sisters who have experience with polygamy and have better insight. I saw something I didn’t feel was correct, so it’s my religious obligation to correct you since reminder benefits the believers, forgive me if you felt like I attacked you, that wasn’t me intention at all.

    Okay so basically you’re opinion is that it’s none of my business, and I shouldn’t have a say. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a Muslim couple expanding their family under mutual agreement. I’ve seen this before and tbh that’s the only time I’ve witnessed a strong united polygamous family, I understand that ultimately the wife will be the husbands responsibility, but there is nothing wrong with the first wife being included in the decision. Plus I think if we ever decide to go down that road my husband would actually prefer if I am involved in the looking process so he doesn’t have to interact and talk to women without necessity.

    Like I said before I don’t think my husband would mind getting a second wife if he knew I was okay with it and it could be beneficial, that’s not really the issue here, especially if choosing to do so will bring all of us closer to Allah. My problem is, am I being foolish for even thinking about suggesting it, and if we do go through with it am I putting my marriage at risk for no reason.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    Taslyiman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Your guess is as good as mine. I can’t call it. I suppose every now and again we’ll have days like today. Thanks for popping in and for giving us a shout out, Sis. Insha Allah, it’ll get better here :-)

  • Tasliyman

    January 26, 2016

    Aslm

    @Ana

    You know I do the “silent-reader” thing. I’ll come here everyday find my bit of inspiration and off I go trying to better than the person I was yesterday.
    Usually it’s reminders about the importance and greatness of Allah in our lives. Or reminders to be patient and persevere. Also motivation to be strong and the best that we can be.

    But what is going on here today???? I’m so confused…..

    Anyway, may you all have a blessed day.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    Jasmina and Gail,

    Thank you both for your input to Tawakkul!

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    It sounds you’re thinking of going to get him a woman to be the house slave or maid or something. You have no idea. There is a chance he may come to love her and love her more than you. Then what will you do? Don’t be so sure of yourself. You may not just be getting someone to HELP you and your family unit.

  • Gail

    January 26, 2016

    Tawakkul,

    Simply NO r u crazy! Why on earth would u flirt with disaster.U can’t accept Polygamy and that is ok u don’t have to.Why do u want to invite trouble just because u r so insecure(that is just crazy).I understand your need to control things because I am the same way but believe me u don’t want to go walking down that road.U don’t truly accept polygamy believe me when i tell u that.If u have to call the shots(same like me) then Polygamy is not for u.Listen to what u r saying….If i go get a lower class woman(not a virgin) with kids that must husband will not secretly like as well and she is lower than me then I can deal it and help the poor soul grasp Islam because I want to help the underprivileged(really!!) U might just go get one and your husband falls madly in love with her and she is hottie in the bedroom (then what) will u still feel like sharing Islam with her or will u want to rip her eyes out? U better get your head out of the clouds and come back to reality before u get yourself into a hot mess that u can’t cry your way out off.
    Last thing if his family don’t accept Polygamy it is bad of u to push him towards it just because u r insecure grow up and grow a backbone and stop being so spineless is my advice before u end up in polygamy or worse yet divorced.Sorry to sound so harsh but that is the way I see it.Don’t play with fire unless u want to get burned!

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    You’re not your husband’s keeper. Leave well enough alone.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    Your husband said he doesn’t want another wife. It’s not about you getting one for him so you can overcome your fears and better the family unit. He said he doesn’t want one. He’s the one who has to have sex with her, talk with her, cloth, and feed her etc. If he wants another wife some day, let him go get one. It’s not about you. Polygamy is for the man. You don’t decide.

  • Tawakkul

    January 26, 2016

    Anabellah,
    You’re mad because I corrected you on something you posted on the Internet which was clearly wrong. The prophet s.a.w said that “the scholars are the inheritors of the prophets” so have some respect. There are some well known, highly respected, and highly knowledgable scholars of the sunnah who would refute what you said in that post. You slandered a whole host of women for choosing to do something that is not even haram, thats messed whether you realize it or not.

    Moving on, my husband says he doesn’t want a second wife and although I believe he’s truly not interested I don’t think he would mind. We’ve talked about this before and he says the only time he thinks about marrying another woman is when he hears of asomeone who is divorced or is a widow and is struggling with her children.

    As for the pharoh comment, are you serious!!!! I’m your sister in Islam and you can be angry at me for advising you but you went a bit too far sister may Allah forgive you. I would never force my husband to marry someone he wasnt interested in of course if I were to try and find my husband a wife then it would be a mutual agreement.

    As for my preference of which type of wife, my relationship with my husband is a partnership and if we are making decisions to expand our family then my husband would take into consideration what I’m comfortable with and what I believe is beneficial as well. At the end of the day who he Marries will directly impact my life too, maybe that’s not how it is in your relationship but every relationship is different. Of course at the end of the day he gets the last word but we both agree that marrying a woman in this type of situation is best for both of us. You don’t have to answer my question if you don’t want to. But for anyone else who’s reading this.

    So the advice I was seeking is, would this be a good way to help me overcome my fears and also expand our family in a beneficial way for both of us. Or could my anxiety be pushing me into ruining a good situation that I’m already in?

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    I don’t hear any Muslim scholars talking against all the Muslims who are blowing people up all over the globe. Where are their voices about it or are they down with it, meaning condone it? What good are they? If one reads the Quran, they’d know Allah says He teaches. He did not give us a Book (Quran) that an average person can’t understand. THINK!!!

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Greetings to All,

    I just read an interesting news article, not about polygamy, but about the lack of action by the many Muslims in the world to a problem carried out by Muslims globally. The last few paragraphs were heavy. It said in a few paragraphs what I’ve been TRYING to say here every now and again. The author said it way better than I could. The link is:
    http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-35399545
    The paragraphs are as follows:

    “The world needs more diplomacy to bring its disparate parts together, to heal longstanding wounds and forge a coalition of the truly willing to combat this scourge, this Black Death of our time.

    Above all it requires the Muslim world to wake up to the abominations it is allowing within its ranks and join together to fight the extremists.

    The West cannot do for the Muslim world what Muslims must do for themselves.

    Similarly it cannot provide endless numbers of troops, trainers and special forces when Muslim nations refuse to take the initiative and prefer instead to be preoccupied by internal conflicts – such as that between Shia and Sunni Muslims.”

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2016

    Tawakkul,

    I think you’ve got it figured out already. You seem to think you have power and control, and can make things happen. You think you could go get your husband a wife although he has told you explicitly that he doesn’t want another wife and his family wouldn’t allow it for him. So, go get him one. You have said what conditions you’d accept polygamy under. You think you decide huh? You sound a bit like Pharaoh. He said gives life and cause death. Can you do it as well? Can you make the sun rise in the West? Go get your husband another wife and get rid of your own fears. Why ask us disgusting, uneducated people what you should do? Only a fool would do that. You know what, I suggest you go ask the scholars what you should do. How about that?

    It’s my thoughts on your two posts that you wrote here. If anyone else has anything to say to you, they can be my guest.

  • Tawakkul

    January 25, 2016

    i am in dire need of advice, i got married very young (in my teens and my husband is 11 years older than me) i have very mixed feelings when it comes to polygamy, in some circumstances I would accept it with open arms and in other ways I don’t think I could. i 100% accept polygamy and I think it’s a fantastic thing IF all the people involved can treat each other in a respectful manor and avoid fitnah as much as possible. Also the man has to be able to treat them equally in every aspect, give all of them all of their rights and provide for them all and that being said the vast majority of men can not do this, but if he can than its a beautiful thing

    There are certain circumstances where I could embrace polygamy with open arms, for instance if my husband was marrying a widow who has children and truly needs help taking care of her children and needs someone to support her then I would accept her and I would gladly share my husband. Sometimes i think about finding a woman like this for my husband to marry so that I can avoid the second type of polygamy which scares me. The type that scares me is for my husband to marry a woman because he’s tired of me, bored of me, wants to replace me or doesn’t love me anymore.

    I do not think I could ever survive in the second type of polygamous marriage, I have an extremely jealous temperament and I am scared of abandonment. I tend to do and say things I don’t mean when I’m hurt or under pressure. I hate being put in a situation where I feel insecure and I know that I am prone to feeling self conscious so that would be a disaster for me. I often talk about polygamy with my husband he knows very well that I would not be okay living in such a relationship, I express these feelings oftenly with him, sometimes I get so scared that he may one day get bored with me and seek a second wife that I cry all night (I’m not exaggerating). In fact I’m starting to think that the idea is making me develop clinical anxiety. I get so scared and anxious that It keeps me up all night!! I make duaa that Allah doesn’t test me with such a trial because if I ever have to deal with that then i fear for my iman. Sometimes I wish I Hadn’t even gotten married and i wish I knew how I felt about this before I got married because I would never have gotten married.

    My husband says he doesn’t want a second wife and that I am the only woman he’ll ever love, and he’s never loved anyone as much as me (I honestly think he loves me more than I love him) he assures me all the time that the last thing he wants to do is hurt me and he’s not Interested in polygamy. He thinks it would be too much stress for him and he’s content with what Allah has blessed him with already. Also his family would probably hang him if he ever tried. His mom told him long before we got married that if he ever married more than one woman she would never forgive him.

    Anyways lately I’ve really been thinking about finding a second wife for my husband, a woman who Is widowed or divorced and has 2 or more children. I think it would be amazing to expand our family in that way and help out a sister in Islam who truly needs the help. It would also help me with my fear and anxiety because The best way for me to overcome my fears is to face them. Also I wouldn’t have to worry about him marrying someone because he’s tired of me or no longer in love with me. He’s not that rich so I know he can’t afford three. Two would be stretching his pockets already. I know this post was long but please give me some opinions, I really need to clear my head and find a way to get over this fear I have

  • Gail

    January 25, 2016

    Aisha,

    On a serious note watch out and don’t let him talk u into getting an abortion.That crazy wife of his and him might try to tell u to abort so be careful.

  • Gail

    January 25, 2016

    Aisha,

    I don’t know what to say to your news.Are u happy? I think it is great if u want the baby.Hurry and tell him I am dying to know how he responds to u since he didn’t want kids with u.LOL Seems he didn’t care enough to bother wearing protection.If u play u pay as the old saying goes.

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2016

    Shelly, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Sorry, Sis. I just fished your comment out of the spam queue. I don’t know why it went there.

  • Shelly

    January 25, 2016

    Hey Aisha ak
    It’s shay
    Please contact me we really need to talk!

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2016

    Good for you, Mari2

    I was reading an article that says shoveling snow is the equivalent of being on a tread mill. The arms actually burn more energy than the legs when shoveling. I was reading about a number of deaths that had occurred as a result of this blizzard. Some were way sad. A 78 year old woman went to a Burger King. She let someone who was working there know that she didn’t want to drive in the snow. I suppose she was scared. Anyhow they found the car there today under the snow. The cops found her dead. There was another incident in which a mother and daughter sat in their car while the husband was digging the car out. The snow had covered the exhaust. The exhaust fumes backed up into the car and mother and daughter died. Then some elderly couple went into their garage. The door slammed shut and they couldn’t get it open. They died in the car. I’m wondering if that was really a double suicide

  • Mari2

    January 25, 2016

    Salam my sisters! Digging out of the blizzard for 2 days. Who knew that digging snow could be as invigorating as going to the gym? I actually enjoyed it! Glad I work out on regular basis, but it was awesome. Up to my waist in snow at the beginning and I wanted to quit right there and then. But I kept moving forward and with each step I made visible progress. Then that tangible, visible progress reminded me of my journey through polygamy…and +poof+ the snow was cleared, I was energized, and read Surah 58 and 59, then took a nap. Good day.

  • jasmina

    January 25, 2016

    Sallam Aisha

    Congratulations. This is Allah’s will and so you must remain wise with every action you take. I have been through divorce whilst pregnant and I can share some of my experience if it helps. For now just take a step back and not make any decisions about leaving or staying or doing anything that could jeopardise your marriage or you leaving him either way. Just be neutral. You have to tell him, maybe tell him over the phone so you don’t have to be there if he gets into some kind of rage.

    Think carefully about what you truly want deep down, do you love him and want to stay with him? Do you think that you will be sane without him in your life whilst pregnant or do you think that depression could set it because you will feel cheated or you will miss him. Do not worry about the future once baby is born just yet, for now the important thing is getting through pregnancy in the happiest, healthiest way possible for the well being of the baby. Ask Allah to give you guidance.

  • Shelly

    January 25, 2016

    Hey Aisha ak
    Please contact me asap we really need to talk!!!!
    I am free now all night
    And tnrw around 1145-12 on my lunch break pls contact me
    Love you loads x

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2016

    Aisha,

    I agree with Nadia, you should tell him. Not only should, but must. According to Islam you can’t conceal what is in the womb from the father. You must tell him. You’ll need to give him time to process it all. He has that cry baby other wife to deal with, as well. You can’t abort the child, as it’s not permissible in Islam. You must tell him and let the chips fall where they may. If he believes in Allah, and you tell him that Allah decided it, he should go with it and have no more to say about how it happened. If he is Muslim in name only, you may get a long song and dance from him about how you planned it, disrespect him and disregarded what he wants and blah, blah, blah…

  • Nadia

    January 25, 2016

    I think you should tell him and see how he reacts if he wants you and the baby stay with him. But if he doesn’t like the fact that you are pregnant then leave him. I bet that you have all the support you need from your family.

  • Nadia

    January 25, 2016

    Aisha im just wondering are you a second wife? How did you guys meet? And why do you want to divorce? Now that you are pregnant do you want to stay with him or still leave him ?

  • Aisha

    January 25, 2016

    I haven’t told him yet. I really don’t know what to do subhanAllah. I was just about getting myself together and building up the courage to leave him.

  • Nadia

    January 25, 2016

    Congratulations Aisha !!!
    Thats wonderful news! Dont be sad because of you are not with the babys father but be happy instead of Allah giving you a baby. In sha allah kheyr ! <3

  • jasmina

    January 25, 2016

    all due respect that is the strangest post Tawakul. why! what! dont fix what aint broken

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2016

    Alhumdulliah. It’s wonderful news. You got all the help that you need, Sis. You be with child now :-) Praise be to Allah!!!

    If your husband is sad, Insha Allah, he’ll get glad eventually. Don’t sweat it. It was Allah’s decree. If he doesn’t like it, tell him that He doesn’t like Allah’s decree then. It was Allah’s decision that you have this baby.

  • Aisha

    January 25, 2016

    I just found out I’m pregnant.. HELP

  • Spirited

    January 24, 2016

    Salaam gang!

    I’m back home, but still jet-lagged :( Infact, its been a few days but I still haven’t unpacked, lol. It was straight to the new semester. Even this weekend was too busy for me to get any of my own work done! It’s nice to be back home all the same.

    @Nadia, hello! I just wanted to add that don’t fall for any pleading and attempts to make you think it would work out even with letting you continue your education if you still marry him or whatever else he spouts. It’s best to be firm like Ana wrote out and not listen to any BS.

    @Jasmina, It’s so sad to hear the difficulties you’re dealing with. The only thing I could suggest would be to indeed try something different than what you usually do (one new thing at a time, not all once lol). See how that pans out. If you had an idea of what kind of things your husband is more into, that would be a good starting point, but alas, most men don’t speak up about their fantasies to their wife. Also, lol I feel you about how things seem to be going south for one wife while it’s all sunshine for the husband and other wife. You should remember everyone gets their just desserts sooner or later. Plus, you don’t know if he’s just making it seem like it’s all good while there may be more problems that he’s hiding.

    Hmmm, not a whole lot more left to report on my end. Thanks for the Happy Birthday wishes by the way guys, and I hope you all had a great holiday and the year is off to a nice start. The blizzard in the NE was fun, in my opinion :D

  • Jasmina

    January 24, 2016

    Lol Ana

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2016

    Maybe you both have the same husband. Did you two ever meet your co-wives?
    Lol, just kidding

  • Aisha

    January 24, 2016

    Jasmina sometimes your husband sounds exactly like mine…

  • jasmina

    January 24, 2016

    hi Gail lol that is full on. i will take note.

  • Gail

    January 23, 2016

    Nadia,
    I second what Ana told u and if he is in another country then it is way easier than in person.

    Jasmina,

    Ok i will tell u but not sure u will be into it or not.It is pretty much a no brainer. Just fix his favorite dinner or get his favorite out to eat food u can pick up a movie he likes or skip it.Now i don’t know about your man but mine loves to be wild in the bedroom.I don’t know if u give massages or not but u should get some massage oils,lotions,etc… and give him a massage but don’t end it there and don’t let him fall asleep on u.Purchase some rope or handcuffs whichever u can do easy and tie him up or handcuff him and get him excited.I get the feeling this is not your nature(I might be wrong) but spice it up in the bedroom understand.
    Before u ever get to the bedroom though flirt with him during the meal etc… but treating sex like a fantasy game is fun esp for men so i would suggest u go that route.Oh buy yourself a sexy nightie and where that while u r giving him a massage with his hands and legs tied(don’t forget to tie his legs) U asked so thats my advice.Try that and see how that goes with little Mr. haaha
    In response to me being angry no not really he is your husband and u have to be the one deal him.I do feel like he is disrespecting u.I will be honest though sometimes a women it is better u push him away for awhile and don’t give him sex or any attention and when he is there serve hot dogs or some other crappy meal.I wouldn’t go out of my way for him until I was sure he changed his attitude towards me.U try being wild see if that helps to spice it up some.

  • jasmina

    January 22, 2016

    does anyone have tips on being a good house wife… lol… maybe i am missing something. i want to seduce my husband but i am not the flirting romantic type as i am not comfortable or ever needed to be before but what type of things do you do to be sensual? i just make sure house is clean and there is a meal and never say no to intimacy. should i light candles or something else that would make my husband want to be at home? lol this sounds so sad but im desperate. i have made dua but maybe i am doing something wrong.

  • jasmina

    January 22, 2016

    gail lol you seem angrier at my husband than i am. i am not ready to leave yet but i am on the way there if things dont change. i cannot force him but i can work on myself and Ana has given some great advice to do that. my exit plan is something i will work on. things are getting worse even though things in his life are getting better. i need to stay focused on Allah but my husband loves dragging me down and making it all about him. i was told i am a bad wife so i am just staying away from him. i read up some good wife guides and i tick the boxes so i am not too concerned but its hard to function right with so much. he said he didnt want me here so i told him not to come back… i planned somewhere to go amd he stopped me and said to stay. i do have a bad attitude and i disrespect him when he brings me down and i argue with him etc but its mainly because im sick of all tgis bs. i want to be graceful but it is hard when my needs are ignored.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2016

    Ooops, I just realized that I put my comments about intimacy under the wrong post. I’ll move them. I’ve got to get my head out the clouds LOL he,he,he

  • anabellah

    January 21, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Greetings to All,

    Just want to let you all know I got inspired and wrote another post/thread. It combines some of what we’ve already discussed and what I’ve written in other posts/threads. The link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/what-muslim-women-need-to-know-about-polygamy/

  • anabellah

    January 21, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Greetings to all,

    Since the Republican candidate for President of the US Donald Trump called for the ban on Muslims entering the US, a number of assaults on Muslim women have occurred. It’s based on what I’ve read and saw in the media. I haven’t heard of any outcry from any Muslim leaders in the US or men speaking out in the media in defense of Muslim women. Some Muslim women have taken action to protect themselves. I think it’s admirable. Here a link for those interested:

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-35366864

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2016

    Sis Nadia, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I suggest you tell him that you don’t want to marry him because you want to go to the university, and want to finish your education before you marry ANYONE. Tell him that you have placed marriage on hold for the time being. Tell him that you won’t be intended to him and you won’t wait for him, as you don’t know what Allah has decided for you in the future. Who knows. You may meet someone whom you like at the university – a single dude with no children Tell him that you wish the best for him and his family. Tell him it’s been nice and over and out…

  • Nadia

    January 20, 2016

    Thank you sisters <3
    My dad is wonderful he only wants the best for me. Allhamdullilah im grateful to have a such great father. I will always keep in touch here !!:)
    It's just one thing i need help with if you can help me i would appreciate it sisters. I dont know how to say good bye to him. He lives in a another country in Europe and sometime his Internet is gone but when i find him how can i say that i dont want a marriage with him and that he should focus on his family and try to be a great husband and father to them instead ? <3

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2016

    Gail,

    I thought, as you do, that her dad is way awesome. I was surprised that he was as supportive as he was. When he said he’d support her in what she wanted to do and gave the excellent reason, I was blown away. I think she’s going to be A okay. She is a very likable bright, young lady. It is a wonderful feeling knowing we’re making a difference.

  • Gail

    January 20, 2016

    Ana,

    I am really happy we could help Nadia.I hope she finishes her education and listens to her dad.He seems like a very wise man.She is lucky to have such an awesome dad.

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2016

    Nadia,

    You are a sweetheart and very smart. You have the right attitude and are doing the best thing anyone could do, which is turn all your attention to Allah, seeking his guidance and protection.

    I believe all is going to be good for you. Allah will give you a good husband in time. You are very young. Get your education, which is very important. You have your lifetime to be married.

    Insha Allah, let us know how you’re doing. If you have anymore questions, please ask. Stay and chat with us, if when you have time. :-)

  • Nadia

    January 20, 2016

    Thank you so much Gail im so greatful for your advice. May allah give you all happiness in life because you deserve it. All of you in this blog are just so wonderful. Im so glad i found this blog and all of you guys!!! <3 <3 <3 Big love to you all. The scarriest part is i prayed so much to Allah and made so much dua to guide me to the stright path and i also asked if this guy is the right person to me. I made dua that if he is not the right person, give me signs so i can understand. And now i see all the signs Allah just want me to be happy and he has so much better plans for me in sha allah. All praises to Allah. <3

  • Gail

    January 20, 2016

    Nadia,

    Knowone is against u I just want u to know that.I think u r sweet young girl that has a bright future ahead of her.Just listen to your dad for now because Education is key for your life and leave this entire situation alone for the next two years is my sincere advice your just 20 take your sweet time and don’t jump into a marriage that u r going to regret down the road.Give yourself the two years to finish college then see how u feel alot can change in two yrs.
    U may very well end up in a Polygamous marriage down the road but make sure u r educated first.Education is so important.

  • Nadia

    January 20, 2016

    Salam aleikum Everyone!
    After reading all of your advices to me it all makes sense now. Maybe i shouldn’t marry him. Anabellah after telling me that you all would get it if i wanted to marry this guy even though i know the hardship and difficulties we might go trow but still willing to make a try for it and accept pologamy regardless of what happens because Allah allows it, everything would be ok. But im such a sensitive person and i listen so much to what people i love say to me. Im definitely not against pologamy marriage and you all see i dont have a problem of being a second wife, i would accept him having wife and children but the fact of me not wanting to destroy a family is true i don’t want to ruin their family and maybe i shouldn’t marry him because of that reason. The risk that his wife might say that she wants a divorce is high so i dont want take that risk. If i knew what she was thinking about me and him and if she would accept her husband being pologymous and not ask for a divorce i would definitely marry him then.

    Thank you so much for your advices and i think i know what i have to do now and that is to move on with my life and focus on my religion and education in sha allah Allah has his plans for me.

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2016

    Nadia, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Your dad wants you to go to the university and finish before you get married. It doesn’t sound to me that going to the university and being married at the same time is NOT an option for you. With it said, I’d suggest you put off looking for a husband or being in a relationship until you finish at the university. Put your head in the books and focus on your education for now

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2016

    Nadia,

    I’m with Gail when it comes to what you said about not wanting him to leave his family and how it’s not acceptable. You wouldn’t stand for it. It sounds like hogwash to me when women come here and start singing that song. If the women felt that strongly about it, the way you come across about it, you would have told that man to get out your face and hit the road. All you would have needed to hear is that he has another wife. You must know the effect that it would have on his wife when she hears that he wants to become polygamous. Polygamy is not easy for any woman to digest in the 21st century. Most of the ladies here who are in a polygamous marriage are trying to accept it because they love their husbands, most have husbands who love them, and they believe in their religion (Islam) and want to live it.

    I could get with it, if you were saying that you want to marry the man and you know it would be difficult for all of you, but you’re willing to make a go of it. You want to do it because you know there is nothing wrong with polygamy that Allah has said is allowed.

    With you saying all the talk about how much you care for his wife and children not wanting them to be hurt and all sounds like you are trying to convince all that you are a good person with good intentions. It’s not necessary for you to do it unless you feel like you are doing something wrong.

    I think you should tell the man no to marriage. You have too many doubts and you’re depending on people to convince you that what you want to do is okay. It’s not okay if you need convincing from others. Your dad said you could marry the guy after you graduate from the university in 2018. Well, say goodbye to the guy and tell him that you may consider marrying him in 2018, if he and you still feel as you do, Insha Allah. What??? Do you intend to play around with this man for two years? I say, MOVE ON! Say goodbye to him. You’re 20 years old. As Gail says, there are more fish in the sea. Be patient and one for you will surface, Insha Allah.

  • Nadia

    January 19, 2016

    They have been married in 6 years. His young i know but he seems mature but i could be wrong…. im young to im 20 years old and i dont want to make a mistake to choose the wrong guy and live unhappy. Maybe you re right he is immature and just wants multiple wives. I will ask but of course he would denied it.

  • Nadia

    January 19, 2016

    Thank you so much for your words Gail, that made me very happy…….maybe its true im just daydreaming maybe i should leave him. Because in this generation now its impossible to get in a polygamy marriage. Im the bad person in this situation, i can destroy a whole family.And even if we get married i would get all the blame and hate not him.
    And you asked if he told her about us He said he will tell her as soon as im ready to get married.
    But i dont think this man is the one written for me because everyone is against it and im doing something wrong. Maybe its just a test from Allah. I don’t want to feel like this i feel so unhappy. If i say no to this marriage and leave him maybe everything will be better and i would feel better in sha allah..

  • Gail

    January 19, 2016

    Nadia,

    One last thing and I will shut my pie hole.Look he is only 25 I mean really what does a 25 yr old know.He is still maturing at that age.I get the feeling from wheat little I know about him he is sneaky like most 25 yr old young men.It’s not like he is in his 30s or 40s and settled in his life.I mean how long has he been married to his current wife if he is 25 not so long obviously and yet he is already out looking to pick up another wife.Then I think ok well if he is doing this so young then what about once he marries Nadia and at some point u r going to get boring to him a few yrs down the line because his interest don’t seem to stay to long on one woman and he decides to marry a third and a forth because that boy comes across if i am right to take up to four wives.Your willing to share with one wife but what about say one or two more not to mention finances.U r young and healthy but it’s not always going to be that way Nadia then who is going to have your back?These r thing u need to think seriously about before u up and jump on a guy because u think he is so great to want marriage etc… My gut tells me with him being so young and mixing up with u and not being married so long seems he is not thinking straight himself.U should mention what I said to u to him and see what he says.I am curious to know his response u should be as well.

  • Gail

    January 19, 2016

    Nadia,

    I don’t think anyone misunderstood u at all.The skinny of it is that u r set on marrying this guy and u r so into defending him like u r already his wife.Look u have now brought up that if u and he married u would be his 3rd wife technically because he has been married twice and divorced once.Now u don’t know if he is telling u the truth about his 1st marriage and she left him and took the kid and etc…. u only have his version of the story.It could very well be possible that he was messing around with women(like he is doing now) and the first wife found out and left him straight up or it could be for any reason.Maybe he was guilty maybe her but my gut tells me if he is Muslim he was the problem not the wife since girls have a hard time to remarry with kids in the Islamic community.
    Look u just telling his story sounds crazy to me that u would want to involve yourself with him knowing that if it don’t work out u r going to end up having to eat alot of crow in the end.
    You talk alot about how great this guy is welllll have u met his wife?Does she know about u?or are r u both hiding from her? Whats going on towards his wife knowing the full story about u both?
    I will tell u straight why I am against u doing this and that is what u have said out of your own mouth.U said u would not let him leave his family.WELLLL that sounds all good and noble but u have zero control over his wife and what she will do once all this comes to light.Chances she is going to hate your wretched guts and may very well opt to leave his @$$ then what can u do? U going to leave him or are u going to get angry and say Oh well I was willing to accept polygamy and sharing him like u r doing her some favor?
    U yourself said u would not destroy his family but that is exactly the road u r heading down.What do u think Polygamy don’t destroy families? more times than not it does so wake up and smell the $hit dear!! All u can do is make the choice to either practice polygamy and let the chips fall where they may meaning get ready because it is a 50/50 chance his wife might leave him and take the kids and he will have 2 divorces under his belt or she may stay and be miserable and do her best to make your life miserable as well by demanding alot more of her husband.
    Also the last thing Your boyfriends story don’t make any logical sense to me because if his first wife left him and he feels so sad for loosing his child then he must be an idiot now that he has 2 more kids and willing to put them on the chopping block for your @$$ so to speak since he runs a real risk of his current wife taking the kids and divorcing him.So again I ask u does his current wife know about u and what our her feelings towards u straight up.If he and u have not confronted her then u need to get your head out of the clouds and back into reality.
    I am not against u marrying the guy as long as you are thinking logically but the way u r talking seems more like your head is in the clouds.
    If u want to marry the guy marry him but it comes across to me that he is not the brightest tool in the shed and if he marries u and his other marriage takes a hit and his wife leaves him guess who is going to get blamed?

  • Nadia

    January 19, 2016

    Salam Aleikum sisters!
    Sorry for the late answer!
    It feels like everyone is so against me going into a pologamy marriage. And it feels like you all have misunderstood me saying i love this man. When im saying that i love him i mean i love him as person, how he respects others, how he perform his salahs, how he fears Allah. Im not in love with him beacuse im not married to him yet. I’ve never done something with him that is not allowed in our religion and we both fear Allah. When i met him we talked directly about marriage, we both dont want to do something stupid. I respect his family so much that i said to him if you leave them i will never forgive you, beacause his family needs him. His a young father his children are still little so they need him in their life. I would never accept him to leave his family for someone, if he did that i would never live with that because i will feel like i have destroyed a family. Thats why i might think of being a second wife beacause i dont want him to leave them, i want him to always be there for his family. I want him to support them and see his children grow. He was married before and the first wife left him alone and took his first child. She then married another man and she doesn’t allow him to meet his daughter. I’ve seen how much that has affected him and he always cry when someone brings that subject up. He now has his 2 children and i want him to be a great father to them and i dont want him to lose them to. He is 25 years old and he has lost his daughter, his mother, his father, his sister. And as a 16 year old he waa the man of the house and took care of his younger siblings. That was short summary of his life

    I’ve been so sad these days beacause i told my nearest friends about my situation, they were so against it even though they are muslims as well. They said i would be a family destroyer, i will ruin my life, and that i will bring a big shame to my family if i choose him. I felt so low when they said that and ive been crying since then. I always wanted to get married but everytime i meet someone they dont want to get married, they dont want a future with me the only thing they want is a girlfriend. They dont fear Allah they dont understand that a women and a man cant be friends. And when i met this man now he was the first one in my life to bring the subject marriage with me. He is not a bad person i know that. So many muslim loves our religion more then anything and wants to follow the prophets sunnah, but when is comes to pologomy which is also sunnah everyone is against it. Me and this man are not doing anything wrong but it feels like we are beacause the society are making us look so dumb subhanallah. I’ve never meet a guy like this, he makes me to a better muslim to. I asked my father for the first time ( I’ve heard that he is so against pologamy from other people) if he could imagine himself getting multiple wives. His answers was yes i would if i could go back time but not now. I asked him again what he would do if his daugher(me) wanted to get married to a married man, i cant belive what he answered. He said ”Nadia our beloved prophet was married to many wives it is sunnah, if my daugher thinks that this man is good for her, and she accepts that he has another family and i see that he is a good man as well , how can i say no to something that is allowed in our religion? I was so shocked about his answer. The only reason he wont allow me to get married now is that he wants me to finish my university and i would graduate year 2018( 2 years left). I dont want to listen to other people beacuse i’ve learned now whatever i do in this life people will always talk anyway. I just want to so something i feel good about and as long as it is not something that is bad for me, bad for my religion and faith, for my life and the hereafter i dont care what people think of me. People will always judge no matter what.

  • Gail

    January 19, 2016

    Ana,

    I had another mishap in reading the blog tonight it’s 3 30 am here and I am assuming thats the reason.I logged on to the site and read” What is just in a Polyamorous marriage” again I was like Polyamory is a new topic…Wait Ana wrote a topic on POLYAMORY! What our Muslim women talking about Polyamory.Geee Wiz my brain is whacked out! I hope this doesn’t continue.

  • Gail

    January 19, 2016

    Nadia,

    I honestly think your parents know that his first wife more than likely is not going to accept u and he has children so he not going to be around full time to help raise the kids.In their mind u r going to be a single mother which the majority of raising the kids will be on u because he is floating back and forth.
    I would also imagine they would be ashamed if it got out u were in a polygamous marriage and u were a second wife.U know the stigma attached with it.It might be ok religiously but it is not ok culture wise.
    Also something u might not have thought about that I am pretty certain your parents have is the financial aspect of him having to half everything between all his wives.Lastly I am certain they r thinking if he can take a second wife then why not a third or fourth wife as well.Also I am sure they r thinking he is some kind of sex addicted fruit cake that is not loyal with his first wife so what can they expect from him with their daughter.
    My gut feeling is u will not win over your parents with regards to polygamy.Now in saying all this what exactly r your reasons in wanting to marry a married man when u could have your own man instead of having to share? Don’t use love as an excuse because it is a poor reason to marry a man because real love come after a marriage with yrs of living and getting to know someone not before marriage.
    Do u want a large family with lots of kids? Do u get along with his wife ? Will his wife accept Polygamy? Look u really need to be honest with yourself and the reason u want polygamy other than u r head over heals with this guy because believe as your parents know and everyone else love and hate walk a real thin line and what u love today u may hate tomorrow.I am not trying to discourage u from polygamy NO not a at all I am saying stop and think why u really want it and be honest with yourself.If u want a large family and u all can get along and work towards building a financially sound future then ok that is a good reason but not that your all goo goo eyes on this guy understand? Your mom and dad are going to need more from u much more than u love him understand???

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2016

    Furthermore, anyone who doesn’t make life about serving and worshiping Allah will have problems, not only in their marriage, but in life in general. This life is not about a husband being the focal point of a woman’s life. A person’s life shouldn’t be centered around her husband or her children or anyone else. It should be about Allah.

    The prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and his wives (the Mothers of the Believers) made life about serving and worshiping Allah. The only ones who will have a marriage that has love, peace and tranquility in it are the ones who do what Allah created for – to serve and worship Him. They know Allah created man into toil and struggle. We will have hardships, calamities, and misfortune. Allah will test the believers. How one fares in a marriage or in life depends on his or her belief or lack of.

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2016

    I’ve said it before and will say it again. I think as long as a woman thinks her polygamous marriage is going to play out the way that she wants it to – the way she imagines it will in her head, she will have problems. Woman in monogamous marriages live in a fantasy world in their heads, as well. There are many unhappy women in monogamous marriages as well. They are unhappy for the same reasons as those women in polygamous marriages – their expectations aren’t being fulfilled. They aren’t realizing their dreams.

    Women in polygamous marriage know there is more than one wife. They all want to be the favorite, most loved, and most wanted wife. All of them can’t be it.

    He can only be what he is. He can only be the way Allah created him. A wife can certainly talk with her husband and voice her concerns. What will happen next Allah knows best!

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2016

    Gail,

    You said a mouth full when you said a lot of the ladies are in love with the idea of being in love. A lot of it stems from the movies and TV that they watch, the romance novels that they read, and the songs that they listen to. Being in love is glamorized. Then they wonder what happens when their lives don’t turn out they way they imagined.

    It is amazing how in the West people get into the dating and mating. They think you must be in love in order to marry, but in the East and other parts of the world, it not about being in love. It’s about everything, but love. It’s like a business contract.

    I think the western way is contrary to Islam, simply because it involves dating, lust, desire and FORNICATION, inappropriate touching etc. Sex and intimacy of any form is reserved for married couples. I won’t get into the concubines and people whom one’s right hand possess, as I don’t know a whole lot about it. I’m not knowledgeable enough to speak on it

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2016

    I believe Allah decides our mates for us. If a man and woman do what they should according to the dictates of the Quran they have a making of a good marriage. Mari2 stated, “as per the guidance of Allah”.

    If we want to do thing our way, all willy-nilly and stuff, there will be major issues in a marriage. Allah tells us what type of woman and man we should marry and should not marry If we stay within the guidelines, all should be good. He tells us to keep ourselves pure. It’s doesn’t mean just physically. It’s mentally and spiritually as well.

    Nadia,

    The purity part is important for you because you’re in the mix with a married man trying to see if you should marry him or not. Think about his wife, as well. Put yourself in her shoes. Would you want your husband sharing love with another woman not his wife? It will be difficult enough if you marry him. I think it is easier for a wife that her husband goes ahead and marry oppose to playing around with someone else trying to make up their minds.

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2016

    Mari2,

    From what I gathered from being on this blog for years, and hearing about some Pakistani people, the Pakistani people don’t care what anyone has to go through to get them what they want. They just want, and want and want. Many of them are some very ungrateful people. Of course, not all of them. I had to say not all of them before someone out there got their panties in a twist and begin cursing me. Someone on the blog once said the Pakistani people that keep asking for more and more and more from those in the States think the men have a bottomless pit of wealth. The person said something like it. Sounds about right to me. SIGH

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2016

    Mari2,

    I think the three things that you mentioned – being a virgin, having a wali, and divorce are all part of Islam and part of Allah’s guidance.

    Being a virgin is super important. Islam is about modesty and chastity. A woman should be a virgin when she marries. Of course, if she is divorced or widowed, or accepted Islam as a revert (Allah forgave all her previous sins), it okay not to be a virgin. It’s important to note that a virgin isn’t any better than a divorced woman or a widowed one or a revert.

    A woman and man wouldn’t be marrying strangers if a wali is involved. The wali is supposed to act somewhat like a “match-maker”. He is suppose to find suitors for the woman. He is supposed to sit with the man and find out if the man has the qualifications to wed the woman. He is an objective individual who doesn’t have any love in his heart for the man whom he interviews – unlike a woman could have. He then sets up a meeting for the woman and potential suitor so she could get a feel as to what she thinks about the man. It’s only after he has been qualified that the meeting takes place.

    The man who interviews the potential husband knows to look beyond what she would see – how good looking he is or how charming he is. If he is a righteous man, he’d question the man to find out the level of his Faith. It’s not difficult to find out. Allah tells us to judge with what He has given us – the Quran.

    In Nadia’s case, her parents acting as a wali is useless. She has found the man and she loves the man. What does the wali need to interview him for. She has got her mind made up already. If her parents were to bring other men to her as possible suitors, she would reject them. She only has eyes for the man whom she selected. It’s what I mean when I say that the process has been tainted.

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2016

    Nadia,

    Did your parents tell you that they think you are too young and don’t need to settle for a polygamous marriage? Did they say they want better for you? Did they say they think there is a man out there with whom you could be monogamous with? Maybe they don’t want the stigma and shame that they may associate with polygamy.

    It’s going to amount to you having to make your intent on what you plan to do. He is a married man. You say that the two of you are in love. You will need to defy your parents and marry him or cut him a lose. It’s not as though you and he are simply brother and sister-in-faith and friends. You two have love in your hearts for each other. You are interfering in his marriage, by the two of you “lusting” – yes “lusting” after each other, pledging your love for each other. It’s not as though you both are single, trying to figure the situation out.

    I think you wanting your parents to give you and the man their blessings is just a waste of time. They’ve got their minds made up.

    I don’t know what you should do. Allah knows best.

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2016

    Nadia,

    Did you ask your parents why they are against polygamy? They as Muslims are not alone. It would be shocking to know just how many people say they are Muslims, but they reject polygamy. They know the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was polygamous and he received the revelation – the Holy Quran and they still reject polygamy.

    Allah in the Quran speaks of such people. He refers to it as them tearing the Quran in shred, meaning they accept the parts they like and reject the parts that they don’t like. He says those people are no better than the unbelievers. Believers accept the entire Quran, not parts of it.

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2016

    Nadia, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You asked, “if a man loves the women and she does not love him back and they get married, is there a chance that she will love him after they get married :)?”

    Please explain, if you can, based on the scenario above that you gave, how the man is in love with the woman before they married and she’s not in love with him, but they get married anyhow. You further asked, can she love him later. It’s difficult to answer the question. We’d need to know if they had been dating or had been dating AND had sex together already – those type of details matter. How did he come to love her otherwise?

    About could she love him later? Well, it depends. If she had been dating him or dating him and had sex with him and didn’t love him, most likely she wouldn’t marry him. Why should she marry him, knowing she doesn’t love him, but expect the love to grow. She should move on then. It’s the way it’s done in the West.

    Now, on the other hand, if the man and woman know no hanky-panky is supposed to go on before the marriage, and they have their wali or even if they don’t have their wali, they won’t be in love. They may know they like the looks of each other and they like each others conversation. They know they could see themselves living with each other, and trying to make a life together. Neither one of them will be in love, but love should grow once they are married and get to know each other.

    If I wasn’t clear enough, please let me know, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Nadia,

    Insha Allah, read Jasmina’s post. It will explain about the difference between lust/desire/infatuation and love that is real/love that grows.

    Jasmina,

    You nailed it!!! I could not have explained it better. I could not have explained it as well as you did. You did dat

    @Everyone,

    Check out Jasimina’s post, Insha Allah

    https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-january-2016-discussions/#comment-13445

  • Mari2

    January 17, 2016

    Meh Ana,
    love can seem like many things. But honestly true love is not about being strangers before marriage, but a connection prior that continues no matter what. It’s a thing that cannot be defined. It’s an Allah thing. A work of patience and sometimes tears. There is no perfect formula to determine the best possible marriage scenario. I don’t think being a virgin or having a wali, or being divorced, or being employed etc is the answer. I think we just have do what we do per the guidance of Allah.

  • jasmina

    January 17, 2016

    Nadia

    Once you know someone well enough to know their flaws too and you have lived with them and experienced trials together true love begins to develop. or hate.

    men do not show their true character 100% when looking for a wife. so you cannot love them based on what they put forward because its lust and disappointment will definitely come.

    people change also and act according to a situation. love is deeper than the variables in a person. deep down their heart is set a certain way and you love when that true inner self shows through words or action or hate it depending what kind of heart they have. you cannot judge this based on a few meetings. love before marriage is infatuation.

    its good that he is respectful towards you and your family. now look at the other important elements, what are his religious views and are u compatible, how many children, what are his views on kids, can he afford to provide for 2 families, how does he intend to schedule his days, will he take you out or he wanta u i.door all day, therw are ao many other logstical things i think are importantbut what is important to u 5 years from now… these things will also change but you want to get his views and u want a plan for marriage also. not just saying yes to someone because he is so nice to you and then just hope for the best. also your parents may not thibk you can handle polygamy as they know you better than u know yourself. they have their reasons. i would discuss with wali again but ultimately listen to them

  • Nadia

    January 17, 2016

    Salam aleikum anabellah
    After reading what you wrote i couldn’t agree with you more now. That’s so true, love marriages are often based on desire and lust and that’s why many people divorce after beacuse of the lust and desire they once had in the beginning is gone. But one question if a man loves the women and she does not love him back and they get married, is there a chance that she will love him after they get married :)?

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2016

    Nadia, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I think for those who marry someone whom she and he don’t love because they didn’t date and didn’t get to know each other before they married, the love is usually lasting because it’s not based on lust or desire. They have to dig deep to find out what it is that they like about each other. They know they have to work at it to make the marriage work. They have to find a common ground. They have to find out what they like about each other and don’t. They have to learn to tolerate each others differences. They may find they like how she takes care of the household, liked how he loves the children or how he takes care of the family. They may like that they could have intellectual conversations, for example. The two get to know it other on other levels. It’s not a matter of, “I’m not attracted to you anymore. The love is gone.” It wasn’t there to begin with. It came later. The marriage in which they didn’t know each other becomes strong as they have a solid foundation. Of course, nothing is absolute, so I’m not saying all those type of marriages are that way.

    A person who meets and there is love at first sight is usually dealing with lust and desire. It’s more animalistic. That desire often fades. The couple then wonder what they have left. They think something is wrong because the lust and desire is no longer there, after a while. It’s more difficult to delve deeper at that point. A marriage needs to be built on a good foundation. I can’t say those types of marriages won’t last forever. Some people marry their childhood sweethearts and remain married. We’ve known some of those men to become polygamous, as well. Muslims aren’t supposed to marry for lust. There is a reason.

  • Nadia

    January 17, 2016

    To Gail and ummof4 you are right. Thank you for your advices sisters. When it comes to suspiciousness with the other person they have the right to say what the they feel about the person i want to marry. Sometimes the walee sees things that we ourselves don’t see. But in my case my parents are only against the polygamy. And I’m very unsure if i should listen to them… Its not like I’m doing something haram. Islam allows polygamy and my parents are religious so i don’t understand why don’t won’t allow me to marry him. They should agree with all of Allahs laws. I do want to follow my family and friends advices, i want them to be there for me because i love them so much but they are so against polygamy.

    The only thing i can do right now is to make dua and ask Allah for guidance, only Allah knows the solution to this. <3

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and greetings all :-)

    ummof4, thank you much for the beautiful reminder that you ended your post with.

    To everyone:

    We talk often on the blog about love and that we should love no one more than Allah. We should make no one equal to Him. In my reading this morning, I read an ayah that applies to it. I will share it with you. It is as follows:

    “Yet there are men who take (for worship) others besides Allah, as equal (with Allah): They love them as they should love Allah, but those of Faith are overflowing in their love for Allah. If only the unrighteous could see, Behold, they would see the punishment: that to Allah belongs all power, and Allah will strongly enforce the Punishment” Quran: Surah 2, ayah 165

  • ummof4

    January 17, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,
    Nadia, many Muslim women who utilize their walee correctly are not in love when they get married. It’s not that they are not telling their waleee and keeping it a secret, they are not in love! Make sure that you and your walee are investigating your prospective husband. Marriage should be entered into with the intention for it to be permanent, not just a fling. Allah speaks of marriage in the Qur’aan often, so we know how serious it is. Allah says that spouses should be like garments (clothing) for each other. That is a beautiful and profound thought.

    People have different concepts of love, but I believe that most Muslims who say they are deeply in love before marriage are deeply in lust or infatuation. Many women feel flattered when a man pays them special attention and would marry them at the drop of a hat, ignoring all the red flags and warnings not to do so. Hence, the need for a walee.

    Nadia, may Allah guide you, your walee and the man you want to marry to the best decision. Make salatul Istikharah and ask Allah for guidance. You ask if you should follow your walee’s advice on whether to marry or not, or follow your heart. Do not follow your heart! Follow the advice of those who love you and care about you – your walee and the rest of your family and true friends. They also know you well. However, if your walee, family and friends are more concerned about culture than Islaam, be careful in taking their advice. Make sure you study Islaam and know what how to enter a marriage and how to live in a marriage – the rights and responsibilities according to Islaam. May Allah make it easy for you.

    Allahu Akbar! Subhana Allah! Laa ilaaha illa Allah! (Allah is most great! Glory to Allah! There is no object of worship except Allah!)

  • Gail

    January 17, 2016

    Nadia,

    I want to add one thing to what I said Make sure your Wali or elders if they r telling u not to marry make sure it is a real reason not a culture reason like they don’t accept Polygamy.If they don’t want u to marry for that reason alone then it is wrong because Islam allows it.Now if he has divorced in the past tied to polygamy like Aisha’s husband then yeah sure listen to them because Polygamy is not the main problem.In Aish’s case I got the idea that man changes wives like he changes underwear so that u would want to be careful of for certain.I personally would not marry marry a man that has been more than once divorced because he doesn’t have a good track record with women but there are women on the blog that have and their marriages r just fine so u will have to discern in some matters but it is risky so use your brain not your heart.If u feel something that is a great start but don’t let it mentally confuse u into not making the right choice for yourself.Hope this helps

  • Gail

    January 17, 2016

    Nadia,

    I am not muslim but I would like to try to answer your question logically if I may.I think A wali would have your best interest at heart so if they see something wrong or suspicious in the other person and speak up to u about it u should take head and listen.Young women so many times go into a marriage thinking they r in love when in fact they our in love with the the idea of being in love and maybe not so much with the man.For example the man could turn out to be a lazy good for nothing cheating backstabbing lying rat! In that case your love would go cold pretty quickly.One hopes it will not happen to them but alot of times unfortunately it does so logically speaking anyone that is your Wali or has your best interest at heart when they tell u Hey they smell a Rat or some serious issue about the potential and u should pass on it I would say listen or accept the outcome.If u don’t listen and u go ahead with the marriage u have no right to cry after because u were warned ahead of time and I would say u made your bed now u have to lie in it.You could get divorced but if u have kids then it becomes emotional.The bottom line it is your choice but better u listen to your elders they are wiser for a reason.

  • Nadia

    January 16, 2016

    Salam aleikum anabellah and ummof4!
    Hehe yeah you have mixed me with someone else :P
    When i say im in love i mean i love the persons character, how he is to me, how he respects me and my family, how he treats me, how he cares about me. One thing i dont understand that you have mentioned is why many muslim women who is getting married arent telling their walee that they are in love with their husband? Is it a bad thing to say or is it just out of respect?
    If i want to enter into a marriage and my walees are against it should i follow my heart or accept their decision for me not marrying the man i want.

    Anabellah you said ” when you marry someone whom you dont know its a more lasting love? Do you mean that the love between two persons who loves each other wont last forever? :)

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2016

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You asked the million dollar question about love and what it is. My wali has said the same thing to me when the subject of love comes up. He doesn’t know what it is. He says he doesn’t know what love means? He said he’s never felt anything that other people describe. I think it’s peculiar, but what can I say. There are some people who say they never was in love; therefore, don’t know what it is.

    I get to thinking when the ladies say they are in love and they aren’t married. I’m like – well how did it happen. I know a people get infatuated when very young and think that they are in love. It took a while for me to love my husband. When you marry someone whom you don’t know, one hopefully grows to love the person. It’s a more lasting love. One knows it’s the real thing. Anyhow, it’s just my two cents. I haven’t finished reading all the comments yet.

    A wali is useless once the couple falls in love. It defeats the purpose of the wali. The process is tainted.

  • ummof4

    January 16, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Shelly, welcome to the blog. May your marriage blossom and grow. Please resist the urge to compare your husband’s 2 marriages. Yes, he has a long history and a lot of memories with his first wife, but you can make many special memories with him as well. Enjoy your marriage.

    Nadia, sorry you’re feeling neglected. I have been thinking about your situation. I believe I made a comment a while ago about you and the present wife meeting and talking. (If I don’t have you mixed up with someone else.)

    Nadia, I have a question for you, but it is for anyone who is considering getting married. When you say that you are in love with a man, and he is in love with you, what does that mean? Does it mean that you love each other’s character and feel that you would make a good couple? Does it mean that you have been intimate, as many people are, and you are now in love with each other’s bodies, hugs, kisses, sweet words?

    I ask these questions because the Muslim sisters I know that utilize the walee before they engage in long conversations and private talks and meetings with a prospective husband, never say that they are in love with the man. This type of Muslim woman may admire a man’s character, may think he is good-looking, may respect the way he handles his finances, may feel that he is from a good family, may like the fact that he makes salah in the masjid, may think he is a snappy dresser, etc., but she does not say that they are in love.

    So, Nadia, please make sure that your walee is involved every step of the way. Do not try to enter into this marriage alone, just acting on your feelings. Remember, a walee who knows his responsibilities does not fall in love with the man, does not have stars in his eyes and cannot be sweet talked. It sounds as if your walee is your father. Trust him to have your best interests at heart. Hopefully you do not come from a family that arranges marriages to cousins and does not give the female a choice in marriage.

  • Nadia

    January 16, 2016

    Shelly can i ask a question how did u meet your husband and when he told you about him having a wife how was your reaction and how did you accept it :)?
    And how did the co wife accept you marrying her husband :* ?Im very curious to know beacause im in love with a man who has a wife and 2 children and maybe i will marry him in sha allah.

  • Shelly

    January 16, 2016

    Anabellah

    Jazak’Allah khayr that’s amazing advice mashaaAlllah xxxx

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2016

    Shelly,

    Just try to make a good marriage for you and him. Don’t dwell on the years that he has with his other or what they have or you’ll be dissatisfied. Try to establish a good marriage for yourself. Build good memories that will make the marriage strong. Memories of the good times will keep you in the marriage when you have tough times. I mean you and he will have differences and some trying times, but the good times will make you want to make the marriage work.

    Just don’t make your husband your lord. In all things remember Allah. When you do things for your husband remember Allah while doing them.Note that you’re doing the things to seek the good pleasure of Allah. Allah is the One who rewards you, not your husband. Your husband is only the vehicle to bring you the good. It comes from Allah through your husband. When you do things to seek Allah’s pleasure the husband gets pleased. Make everything about Allah and good will come to other (who are deserving) from you.

  • Shelly

    January 16, 2016

    Annabellah

    Thank you for your response it made me see sense and get over it! I was just something that was at the back of my mind every time I did something for him or when something went wrong! But your right I don’t want to pester him and create drama.. Better to let it go
    X

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2016

    Shelly,

    I think they may compare a little. I don’t think they compare the way the wives compare each other. The husbands may see differences and note them. I don’t think it effects how they feel about the wives. I think a righteous husband may notice the more righteous wife, which may make a difference. If he is righteous, he’ll be drawn to the one that is.

    Overall, I think the husband just wants to live in the relationship and enjoy it. He wants to be in a peaceful environment, which the wife should provide. He doesn’t want to be quizzed by his wives. The questions such as, do you love me more than her; is she prettier than me; are you more attracted to her than me; is she thinner than me; does she cook better and so forth and so on becomes annoying to them. They see the wife who does it as needy and a pest. It’s a turn off for them. They want a loving, strong, secure in herself, kind and thoughtful wife. They don’t want drama.

    Marriage is suppose to be about peace and tranquility. It’s why Allah made a mate for the men. I will say, try not to be the problem in the marriage. Be the solution. Most of all, be sincere and don’t pretend. It has to become a part of your heart.

  • Shelly

    January 16, 2016

    Anabellah
    Wa alaykum asalaam
    Thank you for the warm welcome
    The stories on here are so sad to think women go through so much.. I was thinking the other day when I was with my husband.. Do men compare wives.. My husbands married to his first wife for 15 years and to me for 6 weeks.. Do you think he compares me to her in his mind the way I cook for him or the way I do things for him or even during sex.. I did ask him but ofcourse he said no

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2016

    Shelly, As Salaamu Alaikum Welcome!

    It’s nice to meet you. Aisha has mentioned you here. She is so blessed to have you as a friend. Good friends are hard to come by. When you find one, Insha Allah, hold on to him or her for dear life. A true friend is hard to come by.

    I could see how her husband didn’t want her to communicate with you or anyone else. You and everyone whom she spoke with about her situation would tell her to high tail it up out of there, and not look back. It’s not easy for someone to leave the one whom she loves, regardless of how badly the person treats them. It looks as though Aisha is at a place now where she can do it.

    Thank you much for being here with us. Feel free to stay and chat. It’s nice having you here.

  • Nadia

    January 16, 2016

    Salamu Aleikum sisters!
    It feels like everyone is ignoring me :( i really love this blog and i love how u all support each other i hope i can be that person too 2 support every each of you. I just want to say Aisha you are such a strong person, your decision for leaving your husband gooot me like wooooooow what a strong woman for doing that. There is not alot of people who does that, and i just want to say i will make dua for you to be happy without this man and that in sha allah you will find a better husband. I want to make dua for all of you for being supportive and may allah grant you all Jannah. <3 <3 <3

  • Shell

    January 16, 2016

    Aww thank you guys for the welcomes.. This blog is great I often read the posts and find them a real eye opener
    I recently got married into polygamy as a second wife.. Alhamdulilah I am happy and my husband treats me like a queen Masha’Allah
    I pray Allah keeps us happy and blesses our marriage
    And Allah gives all the women suffering sabr to deal with their situations… Ameen xx

  • Gail

    January 16, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I should have mentioned when my husband told me I was gaining alot of weight it was not because he was being cruel to me.I have PCOS/Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome which makes me gain very easy and is very hard to get it off.I have told him to tell me if he noticed my body changing.SO that is why he spoke up and mentioned it.

  • Gail

    January 16, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I am going to be honest I don’t like your husband not one bit.I feel he is mentally abusive to u.It doesn’t matter if u 100 pounds or 600 pounds he is your husband and how dare him say such an evil thing to u.As crappy as my husband is I can honestly say he never disturbs me about my weight.Only one time in our marriage he told me very nicely that I was really putting on weight.It got my attention and he was right and I lost 50 pounds and I really was over weight.
    Listen u r not overweight at all If i was a size 12 I would be sooooo happy!!!
    I think u really need an exit plan because everything u r saying on the blog is he is trying to mentally disturb u and I think he is going to make u D@mn crazy.He don’t love u to be telling u all that nonsense.He has flat told u no more kids and now u r to fat at a size 12.He has lost his mind.He better be glad I am not his wife I would have punched him in the mouth had he told me that and I mean right in the kisser!! lol I will stick with what I told u from the start I smell a RAT when it comes to your husband and if u r truly unhappy which i would imagine with a husband/Rat like that I would be too just walk away if u feel he not for your best interest.
    I always believe in staying for the children if there something holding the two people together but if one spouse is openly putting down the other spouse to their face like he did u then NO because it has stepped over into mental abuse which will eat at your self worth and then the relationship just becomes toxic which i think is what is going on in your marriage.Again if i were u knowing what u have told us on the blog I feel u better get an exit plan because he is telling u straight he is not interested in u because u r not a size 5 GEEEESHHH! Something is not mentally right with your husband.Please be careful because I get the feeling he is a cheater type person and I don’t want u catching some nasty disease from him.His talking style comes across as he is a cheater person and since he don’t want children with u I say u better make that nasty @$$ were a condom.
    If it were me after he insulted u the way he did with no children and now calling u fat I would tell him next time he tried sex with u tell him to kiss off.
    Also tell him straight up in his face there are alot of men that think a women with a little meat on their bones is HOT and beats a bone anyday! lol Don’t take his crap Jasmina U don’t deserve it so DON”T dare take it! hugsssss……

  • Gail

    January 16, 2016

    Aisha,

    I am so thankful u left that good for nothing RAT! I was so hoping u would.U are a beautiful soul and u are doing the right thing.I really believe u will find a good man.U don’t have children so your way is made so much easier.I will say this in the future when u go to look for a man again if u see he has a problem with u being divorced and I would quiz him if it is a problem for him(make certain) because I have no idea what culture u live and as u know alot of Muslim men are crazy(for lack of a better word).Bottom line what I am trying to say is Don’t ever settle again or let any man treat u like u r less than.IF he has a problem with u being divorced walk away if he has any other problem with u walk away until a decent person comes along that is decent and kind.
    I know u r very young but u broke out of prison that had a life sentence DON”T GO BACK to that hell hole.U r free now go to school,get a job,Educate yourself,work hard and make your best life.Hugs… I am so proud of u!!

  • Gail

    January 16, 2016

    Shelly,

    Welcome to the blog!It is very nice to know that Aisha has her best friend in her corner.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2016

    Aisha,

    No wonder you’ve been going through an earthly Hell, girrl. It answers everything. A Pakistani male – REALLY!!! No wonder. Okay, now you really know you need to make your intent to stay gone from him -gone like the wind. Okay, well now you know what the problem was. Insha Allah, don’t do it again. You know the saying, insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting to get a different result.

  • Aisha

    January 16, 2016

    The guess was he is PAKISTANI lol as Ana said in her last post to stay away from Pakistani men.. Made me giggle

  • Aisha

    January 16, 2016

    Shelly.. My babe I miss you so much.. I can’t wait to see you Insha’Allah.. You’ve always been there for me and I love you so much.. Things are pretty much the same from when we last spoke. Not being able to speak to you really hurts me and I pray you’re in the best of health and emaan!

    Jasmina you’re right I once posted something about my friend.. My husband doesn’t allow me to speak to her (no suprises) and this is her!

    Welcome to the blog shelly! X

  • mastani

    January 16, 2016

    Thanks ladies for the advice. Just been reading all the comments. Whew..quite a lot going on.
    Aisha you did the right thing. Better days await you. For now just concentrate on what makes you happy. But please also make sure this is what you want. We live by the choices we make.

  • Jasmina

    January 16, 2016

    Ummof4

    Thank you for your encouragement…. I have no motivation to work out as I feel fine but you are soo right. Health s a huge motivator, I will keep that in mind.

  • Jasmina

    January 16, 2016

    Awwwwww… shelly must be the best friend Aisha spoke of.

  • Shelly

    January 16, 2016

    Asalaam alaykum my beautiful sister Aisha
    I hope ur ok as can be..
    I hate not being able to speak to you I feel as though my arm has been chopped off! Something is missing from me and that’s u my sis my best friend! It kills me to know your still going through a lot of hardship and heartbreak and I can’t even speak to you
    But Allah is all knowing and is the only One to get you through this time.. This time won’t last forever you will be ok one day insha’Allah…with or without this man
    You need to be strong and have a lot of sabr which u have been already
    You won’t get depression we are all here for u no matter what most importantly you have Allah swt
    I’m waiting for you to return home so you can just have your Normal life back and be happy
    You are in my duas my babe I’m here for you always day or night
    I love you so much my darling xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • ummof4

    January 16, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Jasmina, I hope that you begin to workout for your own health. Exercising is good for the mind, body and soul. Try a few different programs and stick with the one that you enjoy the most. Different strokes for different folks. Walking is a good place to start. Some people have the discipline to work out at home, and some have to leave and go to a gym. I am one of the latter, and have to go to the gym. My motivation has always been my health, not my husband, even though he always works out. I don’t know your age, but remember, the older you get, your metabolism changes, and the more difficult it is to lose weight. I didn’t start gaining weight until I was in my forties.

    Aisha, I agree with the ladies about you leaving the man to whom you are married. I won’t call him a husband because of what the term means in Islaam. Unfortunately, not enough women and men study what marriage is supposed to be about in Islaam before they get married. It goes beyond what your family traditions are. Some family traditions may be Islaamic, and some may not. Marriage in Islaam is also not a TV movie of the week or a romance novel.
    Aisha, as far as your guess what, did he come begging you to return, are you pregnant or is there another man interested in you? I’m just curious.

    Everyone enjoy the life that Allah has given you and use it to serve Him, and Him alone.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Greetings to you All

    I will share with those interested a couple ayat (verses) from the Quran for you to reflect on and that should help you.

    “Then do ye remember Me; I will remember you. Be grateful to Me, and reject not Faith.” Surah 2, Ayah 152

    “O ye who believe! seek help with patient Perseverance and Prayer: for Allah is with those who patiently persevere.” Surah 2, Ayah 153

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2016

    Aisha,

    Did he come pleading on bended knees, crying please baby, pleeeeezzz take me back?

  • Aisha

    January 16, 2016

    Than you so much baseema and jasmina! You ladies are amazing! XXxX

  • Aisha

    January 16, 2016

    Ana… Guess what???

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2016

    jasmina, I’m glad you’re feeling better. Don’t take what he said personally. Men don’t think before they speak sometimes. Heck, I’ve said things before I thought plenty of times. I can’t talk about someone else when it comes to it. Your hubz probably got a kick out of you you telling him that he needs to shape up as well LOL That was a good one. You gave him a taste of his own medicine. Good for you It’s good when we can laugh about it.

  • jasmina

    January 16, 2016

    Thinking of you Aisha… is there anyway you can take a small trip try to keep yourself busy.

  • jasmina

    January 16, 2016

    Haha Ana yeah some men are so twisted sometimes. Crazy they would put such a thing on a prenup. So shallow.

    Well feeling way better now and he is being extra nice and giving me things hehe. I got to laugh… its so odd. I told him he had to shape up as well.

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    Everyone, please note that I made a post/thread from the reply I gave asiya on the “Investigate a co-wife in a polygamous marriage” thread. The link is:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/what-is-just-in-a-polygamous-marriage/

    asiya, thank you for the very good question

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to All You Wonderful People

    Please note: It may get a bit confusing here in reading all the posts, as we’ve got a few threads going at one time. Besides this one that I’m on, there are the following:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/investigate-a-co-wife-in-a-polygamous-marriage/

    https://www.polygamy411.com/her-co-wife-is-pregnant-in-polygamy/

    Please make sure you check the main page of the blog, on the right sidebar for “recent comments” Insha Allah, no one will miss any posts.

    Thank you!

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    Sis baseema,

    You gave Aisha some really good advice. How could we help but to love her. I think she’s going to be okay.

  • baseema

    January 15, 2016

    I love you Aisha!!! What an example you are for all women!!! So brave, and so intelligent. You are doing the right thing. I so admire you!! You are an inspiration for other women in similar situations, hopefully they will have the strength to do the same. <3

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    Aisha,

    I’m with jasmina. Make your intent not to answer his calls. Let him go find another victim to torture. It’s no longer going to be you, Insha Allah. Those days for you, Insha Allah, are over.

    Oh, before I forget. Don’t go getting yourself a Pakistani man. Don’t jump out of the frying pan into the fire LOL

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    Jasmina,

    You are so funny. You had me laughing when you said, “I didn’t think it was this bad” LOL I was crackin up

    It’s okay. Weight is an issue for many a woman. I fluctuate in weight lose and gain. Up and down like a yo yo. I know when I’m where I definitely don’t need to be because I feel very uncomfortable and talk about it ALLLLL the time. I make myself tired talking about it LOL.

    There are some men who are obsessed and want their women very thin. Some men put way too put pressure on their women to be that way. Some men put in the pre-nupt that she is not to gain but so much weight. I think it’s crazy. Women tend to gain weight when they get married. Their lifestyle changes. Most will certainly gain it when they have had children.

    Losing weight isn’t always easy. Make your intent, and ask Allah to make it happen for you.

  • Jasmina

    January 15, 2016

    Ana

    I this is first time in my life I have gained weight and I do not kno how to diet but I was making progress through exercise until I got onto contraception and since then I tried everything from eating salads to jut vege smoothies and gyming but it keeps going up lol. I will get off it and see if it helps.

  • Jasmina

    January 15, 2016

    Aisha

    Great t news. You will get through this. You are a wiser stronger person through this experience inshaAllah. That alone is a blessing.

    Stay in touch.

    I would suggest you switch your phone off or change your phone number. Or let your mum monitor your phone and ask her to delete his messages. It’s best to ignore him, so empowering though when you do.

  • Jasmina

    January 15, 2016

    Thanks… Lol Fatima you made me laugh. Yes I will keep my head up.

    Ana I don’t do enough for sure, I will as you say to see if it’s truly it. At least he revealed the reason behind his indifference. He has always been put off by chubby girls. I didn’t think it was this bad lol. My brothers hate skinny girls, they like them big haha even though they are skinny themselves so I never had many issues putting on weight till now. I’ve been like this since I remarried so it must have been a shock to him since last time I was skinny with no child, he didn’t even see me big when I was pregnant as I was interstate.

    Will hit the workouts tonight.

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    Aisha,

    I’m so glad you see that the man is not for you. If he loved you, leaving him would affect him and you would know it. There would be no hiding it. You don’t feel his love because it’s not there. I’m basing what I’m saying on what you have told us.

    You’re a good person, and have so much good going for you. Be glad he’s not chasing you down, as it would only make your leaving more difficult for you to leave. You could do way better than being with him. You were a good wife. Don’t think anything differently

    Of course it’s going to hurt you for a while. But, remember, whatever doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. Most marital breakups hurt even when both parties wanted it. You’re breaking a bond. Your bond needs to be broken with him. He is only pulling you down. He’ll drag you into the gutter. I wouldn’t want to see my worst enemy go through what you’ve been through.

    Don’t sit around imagining how beautiful life is going to be for them. Not that you want them to not be happy, they can’t be. It’s apparent neither of them have been serving and worshiping Allah based on what you have stated. Until they do it, they will not find happiness. He appears to thrive on having another wife there. Maybe she does as well in a sick, perverted way. As I stated before, there is something dark and devious going on up in there with those two. It seem perverted to me, but only you would know. Don’t answer. Keep it to yourself LOL

    Stay gone away from there PLEEEEEZZZZ. Don’t ever go back. Don’t let Satan tell you that they are happy campers. Satan will try to get you to go back and be in misery by telling you the marriage could work. As far as I can see, it can’t. Don’t you dare listen to Satan.

    Remember Allah. I can’t say it enough. Only He can help you get through this. Try to heal and get yourself right for your new husband. Give yourself a facial. Pamper yourself. Throw in that exercise tape. Learn your Islam. Stay busy. Keep your thoughts on Allah. When you do marry again, don’t become a slave to your husband. Get your life. Don’t make your husband your life. Despite what many Muslims say, a husband could take you away from Allah. Life is not about a husband. It’s about Allah.

  • Aisha

    January 15, 2016

    Ana.. He really isn’t the type to chase me.. His blaming me for everything.. I’ve been nothing but a disobedient wife lol subhanAllah. He says it doesn’t bother him that I’ve left. Of course I am hurting right now but I know this feeling won’t last. Many of you got it right he was my first love I went into this marriage blindly.. He is part of the reason my last marriage failed anyway that’s a complete different story. For now I need to focus on me. I can just picture him and his wife together right now. She must be so happy.

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    Aisha,

    Insha Allah, make your intent not to go back to your husband whether he comes pleading to you or what. He and she may really want you back with them there to be the nurse, babysitter, nanny, housekeeper etc since she has a toddler (I think you said it was) and a soon to be newborn. Don’t fall asleep and think that he really wants you there for himself because he’s dying of love for you. Don’t fall for the okie doke. You’ve got to be strong. Turn all your attention to Allah. Remember Allah, don’t remember your husband.

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    Fatimah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I confused you with the other Fatimah here on the blog. I didn’t realize you weren’t the other one until you mentioned that your husband said x,y an z to you last night. I’m like wait a minute. Did she go back to him? Nooooo way. The other Fatimah got a divorce. Then it dawned on me that I had gotten you two mixed up. I think our other Fatimah now puts a squiqqly ~ next to her username.

    Fatimah, I’m with you that some men will try to break a woman/break her spirit and take away her confidence. I think they do it due to their own insecurities. As you and Gail have stated, women need to stand up for themselves. They shouldn’t allow a man to belittle and demean them. They have to demand respect. Muslim men try to control women by making them think they have to be submissive to them to be considered a good Muslimah. It’s all taught to them to oppress and control them. Islam gave women rights and elevated their status. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) wife Khadijah was a business woman. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) worked for her. His other wives were very involved in the community teaching, volunteering etc.

    If a woman thinks she is nothing, her husband will see her as nothing. Of course there are some good men out there who will recognize that a woman doesn’t think highly of herself, and will try to pick her up and take care of her. I’ve personally known some men like it. They are a gem and very rare.

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    Aisha, good for you, Sis You’re doing the right thing. You get up out of there and don’t look back. Pack up all your stuff and get ta steppin. You deserve far better than him. He’s giving you nothing. You could have a happier more fulfilled life once you put him out of it.

    We’re here for you. You’ve got support. You’ve got a good family that you’re going to as well. You’re going to be just fine. Ask Allah to give you a good, righteous, kind and just husband. Worship Him as He tells us to. His promises are true. All good things await you. You go girl!!!!

  • Aisha

    January 15, 2016

    I have decided to leave him. I am going to my mums house tonight.

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Your husband is a bit cold in saying that you doing your hair and makeup means nothing to him. He’s not the only man who thinks like it. There are men who don’t care what a woman looks like as long as she’s a woman. All he cares about is getting his groove on with her. It sound as though you have the type of man who is into the body and doesn’t care about the face. He doesn’t have to look at the face. He could put a paper bag over it, as the saying goes. Some men don’t care about the brain either. The saying back in my mom’s day was that men would do anything that had on a skirt.

    Well, he did let you know that he wants your body to be tight. Nothing is wrong with it. You’re home, not working – right? Some women need to go to the gym to get motivated and workout. I’m the opposite. I like working out in my home. If you don’t have the money to go to a fitness center, either get some workout DVDs or do a workout on TV. There are plenty. You could do a workout on your PC as well. Do a YouTube workout. You’ve got options. You just need to get off your derriere and do it. Of course, it’s easier said than done. It’s easier for me to be lazy and do other things rather than workout. Satan whispers to me to go do this, that or another thing in which I don’t have to exert so much energy. It feels good working out once I get into it. I ask Allah to let me work out.

    Get your weight a bit better and see if it’s really what was distancing him from you or it was only an excuse.

  • Fatimah

    January 15, 2016

    Jasmina
    Seems like your husband knows u look good and wants to keep u down by making u feel bad about urself. Many years my husband did that to me and still tries but I’ve learned to bull doze him back. What works for one may not work for others. But my husband used to tease me about other women until I let him know what what man don’t like another man loves and he can keep it up if he likes. When i saw how angry he got i knew i hit a weak spot. U say u look good? Then act like it. Dress up look pretty and walk around like errybody wants u. Lol. U and others may disagree a d it may seem unislamic but im sorry what these men do is unislamic. Don’t ever ask him for anything regarding what u needbc men like him take it as a weakness and like u NEEDZ HIM and will attempt to control u with it. As long as u think lowly of urself he wil continue. My husband tried calling me chubby lastnight. I laughed (i used to cry) and said love it or leave it. He aint goin no where cuz as much as i am not as small as id like to be, i know he thinks im all that but suffers from an old slavery mentality to keep women down. . He didnt appreciate me when i was small and had me obsessed w myweight to the point of bulimia. Nevvvvvverr again inshaALLAH. Im still the same Fatimah then as I am now. I always tell him one mans trash is another mans treasure a d he shuts right up. My mom told him years ago and he never forgot it. Just leave my daughter bc there are men lined up to marry her. That affected him. Anyway i feel like we have to play the same games even tho we may not want to but oh well. Ill be damned if i let a man do that to me again. I always say I’m much too cute for all this. Lol.

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    Gail,

    I remembered hearing the fish saying on the blog before, but couldn’t remember who said it. It’s a good one that you brought on board. It applies ideally to Pakistani men.

    It freaks me out when I hear how nonchalant some of the men get when they’ve been found out. They simply dismiss the woman and move on to look for their next big catch of the day.

    Women want so much to be loved and treated special that they fall for the sweet talk. It’s a woman’s dream come true when she meets such a man. I think all women who have been out there on the dating scene have fallen for the sweet talk at some time or another. It makes some women melt lol

  • Jasmina

    January 15, 2016

    Hi Gail thanks, yes just when I thought I was I asked my husband to make this his home more and I want him to feel comfortable here. So he tells me Lets talk about your weight and that he told me to lose weight ages ago and I have no dedication like his other wife who has more kids than me yet can be dedicated to workout without needing a gym. I chucked a tantrum as I felt so low. I told him I wanted my husband to desire me and check me out and he said… Checkout what here’s nothing to check out. Yeah I’m hurt. Very hurt. I’m a size 12 atm and 15 kilos over my normal weight but I still look good. He said me doing my hair or makeup doesn’t change anything and means nothing to him.

  • Gail

    January 15, 2016

    Jasmina,

    How r u doing? U still hanging in there?

  • Gail

    January 15, 2016

    Ana,

    Yeah I totally agree with u.I feel really bad for women that they don’t know how to stand up for themselves and live is so much fear.I don’t know i don’t wan to say it is hopeless but it does make me want to head for the hills screaming for sure!

  • anabellah

    January 14, 2016

    Gail,

    It’s what you said – a huge cluster F~(k . A person’s upbringing is definitely important. It even goes far deeper for Muslim women. They are being jerked around big time by MEN – the very men who are supposed to maintain and protect them. The women (non-Muslim women, as well) are being lied to by men. Men are telling Muslim women that they need to obey their husband, regardless of what, if they want to go to Jannah/Paradise. The women are so busy being slaves/sex slaves/maids to the men and they don’t know enough that they are supposed to worship Allah. They think they have to go through the husband to get to Paradise. The women have been told, for instance, that if they are at the oven baking and their husband want to do them (have sex with them), they are to stop all that they are doing, bend over and get busy. Muslim women are getting screwed literally and figuratively, excuse my French. They are told that if their husbands go to bed angry with them the angels will curse them (the wives).

    Most Muslim women don’t read the Quran and have no idea what is in it. They simply go with whatever someone tells them that Islam is about. I’ve come across ignorant people on the internet who label me something and others ignorant people go along with it just because a bunch of ignorant people have said it is what I am. So all the ignorant people listen to all the other ignorant people and spread slander. It’s pathetic.

    Then you have the cultural situation such as that in Pakistan with the Pakistanis all marrying each other to each other in the family – marrying cousins because they are greedy, and want to keep all the wealth in the family. Muslims should marry any other Muslim regardless of race, color, nationality, or language. We’re all one brotherhood. Allah says he created us of different races and languages to know one another, not to dislike one another.

    What is really sad is that many Muslims blindly follows the teachings coming out of Saudi Arabia. People think the Saudis know Islam just because the Kabah is there and the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was there. I don’t know if the average Muslim know anything about the Saudis, the wealth of the people that they hoard and the treatment of people – no value for human life. I just read an article about them:

    http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-35298690

    We’re living in chaotic, crazy times. Oh well, I’m going to go see what the Republicans are talking about – the Republican debate on TV.

  • Gail

    January 14, 2016

    Baseema,

    Very well said what u told Aisha! I pray she will do some inner soul searching and leave that mentally insane man and his emotional wife.

  • Gail

    January 14, 2016

    Ana,

    I am seeing more and more that the ball has been dropped.I think it is soooo important for mothers to raise their sons and daughters with self respect and make darn sure the kids know growing up that they r never to let anyone compromise there self worth or talk down to them ever.I have told my kids time and time again all 4 of them DO NOT mix up with someone that is not going in the same direction you are going period the end!Before u marry u discuss everything how many kids u both want,careers,lifestyle u both want to live,where u want to live,How important having friends outside of marriage is,religions,etc… The list goes on and on.Marriage is a contract and yes people change but I am a firm believer in two people going in the same direction.If my husband ever went against me with the kids and believe me he has spoken about marrying the kids to hi brothers kids but I shot him straight down and even told called him one day a few months ago and flat told him straight don’t come back no need to wait until feb.I am done I had enough and hung up.It was not 20 minutes later he calls me back saying he is really sorry and he is going to change.My kids were sitting there and I said u know what the kids r here u tell them because we r sick of hearing your excuses u said u r leaving so now we all telling u just to leave u have free pass now so go!
    We all let him have it really hard that day(u have no idea) my youngest flat told him to take a fling leap and he was not going to buy their love and that none of them were going against mom ever.Man my husband got a huge wake up call.
    I have always told my husband if the kids agreed in the future then I would not stop them but I don’t really like the idea because of birth defects and family feuds etc.. My husband flat told me he has no say/authority in this family and I flat told him YES he is correct he gets a vote but he is doesn’t get the final authority or say when it comes to the kids and who they marry period the end.I don’t know I just changed I am not putting up with any nonsense anymore.I will be fair but I am not letting him or his parents disturb me anymore.His parents can stay on the property but they r not living in my home.They may come and take meals with us and I am fine with that I feel this is fair but I don’t want them in my home.I just feel so strongly to be fair but not to let people walk on u.

  • Gail

    January 14, 2016

    Aisha,

    U want to talk to him to hear him say he will change and things will get better and u can have kids etc… but babe someday u r going to have to accept the reality u r in and either live with it or walk away.
    OK I am going to break it down for u real quick U say u “LOVE HIM” what exactly do u love about him? Is the way he has told u that he don’t want kids with u but keeps having kids with his 1st wife or could it be the way he keeps u all to himself and never wants/lets u go to visit your family? Or is it the way he loves u by looking into your text on your phone?Or could it be the way he keeps u on edge of him finding out u might be talking behind his back to us or your family about him?Girl now that is love I wish I had that kinda of man I am so Jealous of you!!
    OK so now u get the point loud and clear RIGHT??? Girl u don’t love him so stop getting it twisted.U see he used other women in the past he talks to u like u r a dog.Look there is something in your background that makes u think u deserve this $hit and u need to figure out what it is and fix this problem.Your husband and cowife are not your worst enemies at all it is YOU u r your own worst enemy understand? Until u are going to realize u r just as good as the next person and u deserve respect and demand it then people r always going to kick u like a dog.U must figure out why u think so little of yourself to let another person take advantage of u like that because until u figure that out and where all this low self image comes from u will just pick another screwed up guy because u tend to gravitate towards those type of men.U are very young u don’t need to be talking to your husband u need to be doing some inner reflection at this point if u ask me.
    Your a really nice young girl and I want to see your best please weather u stay or not with your husband stop letting him talk down to u like u r a D.G.Don’t u dare let him take your phone and if he sees something he don’t like on it tell him to go jump off a cliff! If he dares try to beat u or harm u in any way u leave him for good but girl for G.D sake grow a backbone already!!!

  • anabellah

    January 14, 2016

    Aisha, I’ll say it again, you need NOT give that man anymore of your time. He’s not worthy to kiss the ground you walk on.

    polygamy411

  • baseema

    January 14, 2016

    Aisha, it’s okay to admit you made a mistake, we all do it, but now is the time to make it all better. Please don’t stay there. It’s not love. Don’t waste any more of your life with this man. I can tell you that I know men like that, and they are great manipulators. They just say what they think you want to hear. He asks why are you wasting your life because he wants you to pledge allegiance to him and feel sorry for him. He’s using mind control on you. They always play on your feelings and get you at your most vulnerable areas.

    If this was your daughter (say you had one) or your mother, what would you be telling her? Don’t waste your energy talking to him, just leave. Because if you threaten to leave and say you’re “serious,” well he’s not going to believe you. Men like that only believe actions and not words. Don’t stick around for him to manipulate you. Just walk out the door. Go back to the people who care about you. Don’t look back.

    Please don’t bring a baby into this mess. Children have a tough time as it is, even with two loving parents. It’s not fair to the child. If he treats you like this now, wait till you have a baby. He will do whatever he wants to you and to the baby. Then you will be really trapped. And what about the child. Please don’t hurt your own child. Pick a good man to have a baby with, one who will love that child and be a father. Can you imagine if you had a child with him, the hurt that child is going to go through with a father like this??? Children are hurt for a lifetime by men like this. Is this what you want your future child to learn about the world? Please please don’t do it. Walk away.

    There is no shame in walking away from a bad situation. Be strong, be brave. Hold your head up and show the world how beautiful and strong you are. This is your life.

  • anabellah

    January 14, 2016

    Nadia, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You asked if you should marry the man whom you love or listen to your parents, who would probably tell you not to marry him, and you move on. I think no one could answer it but you. Anyone else would just be taking a wild, useless guess.

    No one knows what she’d do in a situation such as yours until in the situation. We could guess and you’re only going to go do what you’re inspired to do anyhow. It’s really wasting our time to guess about what we’d do

    We can’t tell you what you should do, as we are not feeling what you feel in your heart for the man whom you love and what you feel for your parents.

    What a person would do in the situation that you are in depends on many variables. Is the married man married to his cousin in a marriage arranged by his parents and they don’t believe in polygamy and won’t accept you? Maybe you should keep it moving then and let him stick with his culture.

    Are you an American, for instance, and a free thinker who is independent and don’t let your parents, nor anyone else lord over you?

    Are you an ugly, fat, dumb, dumpling who no one else too much wants and you have to take while the taking is good or

    Are you a beautiful, brainy, intelligent, cosmopolitan girl who have a selection, and don’t have to settle?

    Are you a God fearing person who believes Allah allows polygamy and you don’t care what anyone says, you love the man and he loves you, therefore, you’re going to do what Allah allows and not feel badly about it? Allah permits polygamy for men so there will be women to marry them as 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives, which is absolutely okay and the other wife/wives permission isn’t needed, nor anyone else permission.

    I believe Allah has already written what a person will do before he or she is born. There are some people who think they decide and make things happen unless they’re in a car accident, get cancer or something to that effect.

    How one handles a situation depends on his or her beliefs. So it makes no sense to speculate. You’re going to do what you’re inspired to do regardless, so I won’t spin my wheels and waste valuable time on fantasizing about it Ya know what I’m saying???

  • anabellah

    January 14, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All,

    Insha Allah, please make sure you haven’t missed any comments. Somehow things have changed on the blog and newer comments fall beneath older comments and not on top. I’ll see if I could rectify the situation, Insha Allah.

  • Nadia

    January 14, 2016

    Salam aleikum Sisters!
    Im 20 years old and im in love with a married man. He is 25 years old and has 3 children. He wants to get married to me as well and he is not bad guy. He respects and loves me a lot. I tried to forget about him many times but i cant, my feelings for him gets even more stronger when i do that. He said that whenever im ready he would go to my parents and marry me. Even though we both know that they might not accept beacuse of me being young and marrying a guy who is already married. So i was just wondering would you my sisters marry him if you were in my situation or should you listen to your parents and move on??

  • anabellah

    January 14, 2016

    Well, Aisha, Insha, Allah, you need to go home before you begin to look like a 40 year old who is 20. There is nothing good in the marriage for you. He knows it as well. It’s as though he’s waiting for you to leave, so he doesn’t have to throw you out. He’d rather you make it easy on him. There is not that much love in the world to cause someone to endure the abuse that you’re subjected to. I doubt talking to him is going to cut it. He is who he is. There is no changing him. Maybe you’ve been living secretly on the dark side. Something is just not quite right with the setup you three have.

  • Halma

    January 14, 2016

    If you don’t mind me asking Aisha.. How did you meet and why did you marry your husband?

  • jasmina

    January 14, 2016

    Sallam alaikum Aisha and everyone…

    I’ve been flat out busy lately and will reply to everyone’s advice ASAP. Just Aisha reading your story makes me cry. Your husband is a narcissist and the worst part is that he knows just how bad he is treating you as he acknowledged it. He is taking advantage of you, my goodness he really aught to fear Allah but his day will come. NO LOVE IN THE WORLD is worth it. After 15 years of ‘loving’ my husband I realise that for about 11 years I was obsessed, infatuated, it wasn’t love.. 4 were hate and less than 1 has been love… lol.

    Point is, I believe it takes a LOT to TRULY love someone else, it doesn’t happen overnight. What is it about your husband that makes you feel so ‘in love’, is it the way he talks and influences you, his looks, his religiousness? Rhetoric question. Now does it align with what we as Muslimah’s should value in a husband? The thing with narcissists is that they CONTROL and demean and make you look and feel so worthless and like such a bad human being. That is his personality, you can’t change that. But you can set up boundaries and change the way in which you respond.

    I hate to say it but what Fatima said is so true, you need to use their tactics. It’s manipulative but they do learn to respect you, be firm and come out looking like a rose. Don’t anger him, make him feel bad for his errors and ‘punish’ him for it and stand your ground with what you want. These personality types have a weakness, they sometimes are very sensitive emotionally so trigger their weakness. His wife has figured it out, hence why she fake cries, and has him wrapped around her pinky to the point he has probably left very good women and his children, but hey she had to do what she had to do with a man like that.

    NOW you seem so undecided about what to do, I have been there, probably hoping tomorrow will be the day, or basting in those little moments of love that he gives yet ignoring all else. We all here know he is not a man worth fighting for, but you don’t see it so test him. Find out for yourself if he is worth the beautiful diamond that you are. Heck if that marriage is going to end then at least come out fighting. YOU tell him what kind of a husband you want, and make it clear what your boundaries are, what you will and will not tolerate from here on end. He has married a YOUNG, beautiful girl who could have married anyone and gone placed like he said but you are here with him hence you have proved to him he has a prize of a wife and he needs to prove himself to you now. You want to see friends or family, let him know you are seeing your friends and you are happy to involve him in the plans and get his approval BUT no will not be taken lightly. BELIEVE me he trusts you sooo much, he ‘knows’ you won’t leave him as you said…. little does he know that you are a smart woman, not a brainless doll. Whatever you want from your life, he needs to come on board. If not then make him feel bad, punish him, give him silent treatment. You know him best, you will find a good balance on how to talk to him. They are like kids, you need to use the SUper Nanny tactics with them to ‘train’ them lol but with adult ways dealing with problem behaviour. IF he truly loves you and wants you and doesn’t want to lose you he will come around and be more flexible. He may get worse before getting better so keep that in mind. But yes if he doesn’t care or budge when you mean business then he isn’t worse it. Look I know Ana once advised me against giving timeframes but I really feel you need to give a timeframe otherwise you will be in that situation for a long time. A month, 2? A week? you know. I would say a day because I want you out of that bad situation so bad but I it’s hard. You gave him your all, he is your first love, your virginity maybe…. these things are important but they mean nothing after other experiences in life bigger than this. There are no children, no financial reasons or other reasons for you to stay in there, he just has you under his spell. Put your trust in Allah and ask Allah for guidance, ask Allah to let you see the reality of your situation and to change your husband’s heart or show you an easy way out. Allah will help you if you are sincere AND you put Allah before your husband. Yes we are to be good to our husbands, but Allah still comes first, obedience is to Allah.

    Second what the other sisters have said Ana, Gail, Fatima. You know 5 years ago when I was going through my ‘thing’ everyone on the blog adviced me to divorce, this was when I still had no baby… I didn’t take the advice. I paid for it. lol. My whole 20s have been so tough alhamdulillah. You are in my boat now and I don’t envy you, but our beloved Prophet SAW told us to always take the easier path so don’t burden yourself by taking the harder road, it won’t prove your love to your husband, it won’t make you a better Muslim, sacrificing just hurts you.

  • Aisha

    January 14, 2016

    Gail honestly I have done EVERYTHING to make this marriage work.. You know when you love someone and then the love begins to turn into hate? Well that’s where this is heading.. My parents are soooo supportive Alhamdulilah my mum has said whenever you feel you cannot take anymore I’m always here for you.. She also knows how much I would do to make it work so she’s just waiting for me to say I’ve given up. to be honest all my siblings are just waiting for me to return home they all can see from my face that I am unhappy.

  • Aisha

    January 14, 2016

    Wa alaykum assalaam.. Sister fatimah thank you so much for putting your point across I am not offended at all.. In fact I love it when all you sisters advice me! This morning my husband actually said to me.. What are you even doing here you’re destroying your life you could’ve made so much with your life but instead your stuck here. Does this mean he wants me to walk out? I don’t understand what he wants from me. Tonight is my night and I’m planning on telling him exactly how I’m feeling and that I’m not afraid of leaving him. Part of me feels he thinks I will never leave hence why he behaves this way with me.. But by Allah I am slowly starting to give up. I don’t think I will be able to put up with this for much longer.. I’m starting to give up as I feel it’s pointless my marriage isn’t getting anywhere.. I can’t stay and be a maid to him all my life. Why shall I look after his other wife and her children with him?!?!?! Anyways ladies if you never hear from me again it means he has found out I’ve been on here and will most likely confiscate my phone. Lol he sounds more like my dad than my husband. Hope you all have a lovely day Insha’Allah X

  • Gail

    January 14, 2016

    Aisha,

    The majority if not all of us are way older than u on the blog sweety and we would never misguide u.I also really think in your case it is a hopeless mess.U r young and your husband may very well be your first love by the way u r talking but listen girl it is not love when it is one sided.In your case it is clearly one sided.U r so young and I am sure your family can help u find a decent man.U r not a failure Aisha if u leave him.
    Please don’t have a baby with this man! U deserve a husband that will cherish u.I think u have given this marriage your all.I really think this marriage was a huge mistake on your part but we live and learn and move on in life.In saying that I really think u should go him talk to your mom and get her advice.U don’t have to stay in marriage that is sucking the life out of u.

  • Gail

    January 14, 2016

    Mastani,

    Welcome to the blog! I read your post and I agree with Ana.Have u thought about maybe going back to school part time? If u don’t like that idea then what about babysitting so that u don’t feel so alone.I am pretty certain u would not have any trouble finding a child or two to watch and keep u busy if u didn’t want to be alone.It could also be that maybe it is time u think to have a baby and get busy in your life if u have plans to have a child.I don’t know I am just throwing things out there.If u really hate it so much then could be an option for all of u to move into one home together and live together so that way u both get to see hubby daily.That could be an option if everyone was agree since u all get along.There are just so many ideas to fix this problem.
    I will say this I don’t think it is wise to divorce your husband if he is has been good to u.If u did remarry u could get a cheater and the risk is pretty high.Monogamy seems all glitz and glam but it’s not everyone has problems.I would say in your case be patient and think and come up with a situation that is going to make u happy.

  • Gail

    January 14, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    Thanks for clearing that up with me I don’t know why i kinda was thinking u were married with a Pakistani man.Also thanks to educate me about the language of South Africa.I honestly know very little about that part of the world.I think that is really cool u and your are from the same place.I think that is so much easier than marrying outside your country and culture.

  • Nadia

    January 14, 2016

    Salam aleikum Aisha!
    I read what u wrote and what devastated me the most is that you are so afraid of him more than Allah. I know why u re afraid its just beacuse like the other sisters said you are afraid to be alone and lose him. But sometimes we have to let go of people who hurts us because that will be for the best. As far as i can see your husband is not respecting you well enough. As a sister i would say to you if you really want to be happy, you have to leave what is hurting you the most and in this case its your husband. He doesnt want to have a baby with you, he is not being a beloved husband, he is not respecting you what is there to keep? Im not being mean sister im just saying the truth. <3

  • Aisha

    January 14, 2016

    Ana you’re right.. I haven’t mentioned the baby issue again. I cannot force him to have a child with me. It makes me realise I’m probably only here for his pleasure.. Maybe his bored of his wife now that she’s on her second child and he wanted a change and he probably doesn’t want a child with me bcus his intentions are probably not to keep me for long anyway.. It’s such a big mess

  • Fatimah

    January 14, 2016

    Aisha
    As salaamu Alaikum
    As stinging as what Ana has said, I’m sorry but I just cannot disagree. I mean on so many levels she is right. Not only are oppressed your abused!! Allah swt has given us ways out and like Ana said you have made ur husabnd ur Lord in some way form or fashion. A very wise friend of mine used to tell me all the time, when u fear anything other than Allah swt, HE gives that which u fear control over u. Control can be on so many levels. Allah speaks about having fear only in HIM. I read Ana’s post and I know she referenced herself as coming down like an Axe sometimes but I can trully see she wants whats best. Sugar coating #$/& only inhibits us from moving forward. We can’t just always hear what we want. I am sure u are such a beautiful person and it angered me reading what ur husband doesto yiu!! Makes me want to knock on his door and have a word w him….ppl will only do what we allow them to. For the sake of Allah swt, you have to see yourself better than this. I bet u are full of life and talent, omg get the heck outta there!!! Go home to the people who love a d care about you! We can only do but so much on here Aisha,be the biggest support and try to guide u with Allah’s permission to do whats right and best for YOU. But Aisha has to make that decision. Allah said HE helps those who helps themselves. HE will help u and i cant express more agreeance with the person whosaid Alla said HE is to us as wesee HIM. See HIM as your helper, guide, saviour and He WILL BE. Dont just trust in HIM, you gotta have CONFIDENCE in HIM. Take one step and HE promises 10. You see? He doesnt even require us to meet HIM halfway….i promise to make dua for you. That Allah swt sends you relief soon. Believe it or not many years ago i was just like you but my situation wasnt as extreme. My husband treated me like yours thats why i feel perfectly fine saying what i have bc i too worshipped my husband. I focused so much on how he abused me emotionallythat it became my dhikr, worship. A good wisef friend used to say slap me in the face stuff just like Ana and thst was the only way id come to my senses. Had she been like oh fatimah woe is us, my GOD idk WHAT id be like at this point. I had to change my view of Allah first. Then the view of myself changed. Shukra Alhamdilillah I am free!!! I literally had to get up in his face and tell hi im not scared of you! Dont talk to me like im garbage. Im sorry I had to not cook dinner a few times or sleep on the couch, flip the silent treatment on him and THAT is when Allah swt changed things. I perservered thru his changes of my new attitude and he did not like it at all but i knew if i broke, i lost. I learned that i was much stringer than him and once i realized that i could beat him at his own sick oppressive games, that was the beginning of the end. He tore my selfestem down and confidence but Allah gave it back but it was bc I did something about it. As abusive and wrong the man is, at some point the continued behavior becomes somewhat our fault.because we allow it. My husband began to respect me and even chase me but that was some years ago and he was afraid of losing me. Now that he has someone else, he could care less. But thats ok cuz karma is sharpening her nails and will be with him shortly
    I pray that i did not injure ur feelings. Allah knows i would never do so purposely. WE just can’t have any expectations wants or desires from anyone. Only Allah swt is worthy of worship. Allah will not share any partners. There is no promise in man, only Allah! Until you discover that, you will be very unhappy. ….

  • anabellah

    January 13, 2016

    Aisha,

    You really want to have a child by that man??? He says he doesn’t want a child by you. He has told you it. How do you think he will treat the child, if you were to have one by him??? He probably realizes he wouldn’t be able to love a child that the other wife wasn’t the mother of. He is being truthful with you. You would be foolish to try to convince him to bring a child into the world that he clearly wouldn’t want.

    I don’t mean to hurt you. You really need to face the fact though.

  • anabellah

    January 13, 2016

    Aisha,

    I don’t think you fear your husband at all. I think you may fear not being able to get another husband or being alone or starting over – something like it. You don’t fear your husband. You leave him and go home to your family when you get good and ready.

    I think your husband doesn’t want another wife. He only wants someone he can own and control. He only wants to love the woman he actually views as his wife. He may have treated the other wife whom he divorced the same way. He has no respect for you. It could be because you tolerate his treatment of you. You don’t stand up for what is right. It wouldn’t matter anyhow, as he sees you as dispensable.

    You listen to him. He is so wrong on so many levels and you listen to him. You don’t have to listen and obey anyone who neglects the remembrance of Allah. It’s what Allah tells us not to. It includes a husband. He oppresses you. Allah says don’t be cowed when an oppressive wrong is done to you. He says defend yourself. You have to take the time to learn what Allah says.

    You have made your husband your Lord and it’s one of the worse sins a person can commit. You have to pull yourself up out of this toxic, unhealthy marriage with the help and permission of Allah. No woman 18 or 80 wants to live the way you do. You have to make the move.

  • Aisha

    January 13, 2016

    Thanks Ana… You’re right to a certain extent I am scared of my husband and I know it’s wrong.. He has such a strong personality it’s hard to describe his character.. He is also very intelligent with his words and actions. For example I asked him if could do something and he said no but he allowed the co wife and when I confronted him I ended up apologising to him even tho I had done nothing wrong he decided to boycott me. I know this is a weakness I have within myself I allow him to do this to me. I know it’s wrong yet I cannot stop it. I make myself angry. Sigh

  • Aisha

    January 13, 2016

    I have no life. I don’t go out, I have no friends, I hardly see my family. He doesn’t allow me to use any kind of social networking sites. He has access to my phone, texts and emails. I’m not allowed to work or drive even though I cover from head to toe including my hands and my face (which I choose to do myself) my point is there is no trust at all. I try my hardest to be a good wife to him but I’ve never ever heard him say thanks. Maybe Allah is punishing me for my sins through him. Allah knows best. Why do I find it so hard to walk away?! How do I detach myself from him?!

  • anabellah

    January 13, 2016

    Aisha,

    If you fear you will be in a state of depression or think you will be by the time you’re 23, you will be. It’s what you expect and it what you should get. If you think Allah wants that for you, it all you’re worth, He may very well give it to you. Allah says He is to His servants what they perceive Him to be. If you think Allah doesn’t love you and want you all depressed and everything else that is negative, get ready for it to come. It’s on it’s way…

  • anabellah

    January 13, 2016

    Aisha,

    Sister Tasliyman did give you very good advise. You realize that you are not in control. Allah is. It’s the only reason you are still there. You have to do so soul searching and find out what is in your heart that maybe keeping you there. There is fear, for certain. What are you fearful of? We should only fear Allah. We all have fears that we have to overcome. The fears that we have are from Satan’s whispers. Fears are keeping you in the marriage that is not good for you. You have to turn all your attention to Allah. Know what He expects of us and make your intention to do it. Only Allah can make you stronger. Eventually, Insha Allah, He will remove the love from your heart for your husband and take you up out of the marriage. You have to want to be out of it before it can happen. You’re not there yet. There is still a chance He could change your husband and his other. They would have to want it. Don’t concern yourself with them. Work on you.

  • Aisha

    January 13, 2016

    Sister Tasliyman thank you so much for the Advise I really appreciate it..

  • Aisha

    January 13, 2016

    Hey Gail… Honestly I ask myself the exact same thing… Now that she’s about to give birth any day it’s become so much harder.. I’ve read other messages saying how he cannot wait to be father again.. I have no idea why I’m still here. I’m slowly giving up.. I’ve come to the stage where I dislike being intimate with him. There’s no hugs no kisses cuddles or anything just sex. When we was on holiday I asked him again about having children with me and I told him how i would want to have kids when I’m at least 25/26 as I feel I’m a little young and I would find it hard to cope with a child as well as my crazy co. I feel like I’m going to be diagnosed with depression by the time I reach 23. The only reason why I haven’t walked away yet is bcus I do love him and I don’t want to leave him, regret it and end up going back. I want to make sure once I go I will never look back. I know moving out is not an option for me I have can either stay here or get divorced. Ana you’re right my family are all so supportive Alhamdulilah..

  • Nadia

    January 13, 2016

    Salam aleikum again sister!
    @anabellah im very confused and i have like millions of thoughts in my head. Some days i feel strongly for Polygamy marriage and some days i feel like i shouldn’t been putting myself into this. I know that i love this man and i really want him to be my husband but the situation of him having another famaily is killing me. I respect his family and i really dont want him to leave them for me. What my family would say if i marry him would kill me inside to. All my friends are against it. Wallahi if my family accepeted it and if his wife accepted to i would marry him right now. But they will never accept and that is what makes me sad. They are making me unsure about this marriage. I really need help my sisters i dont feel good :'( <3

  • anabellah

    January 13, 2016

    Mastani,

    Welcome! I’m on my cell, so this will be short and quick. You said you love your husband more than anything. More than you love Allah? It could be the problem. You’ll always have problems, if you love ANYTHING more than you love Allah.

    Small things will always bother a person if she or he doesn’t see or can’t see that everything that happens occur by the permission of Allah. We have to accept everything that happens. You’re in a polygamous marriage because it’s what Allah decided for you. You didn’t chose it. If you accept it as real and fact you will be content and at peace in your marriage. If you remember Allah, on the two days that he is with his other, you will find peace and contentment in your life. Study the Quran, read an Islamic book, zikr. Engross yourself in remembering Allah. Rent a movie. Stop focusing on your husband and her or anything else. Your focus should be on Allah, who is God, your Creator.

    The grass always looks greener on the other side. You envision in your mind that you would be happy being the only wife of your husband in a monogamous marriage. It is not real. Is a fantasy that plays out in your mind. The fantasy is created by Satan. Stop going there. Accept what you have. Embrace what you have. Find beauty and contentment in what you have. Be thankful to Allah for it.
    We are here for you if you want to talk some more. Sorry you were having such a difficult time writing on the blog. It’s nice to have you here with us.

  • ummof4

    January 13, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Welcome to the blog, Mastani. You are blessed to have a caring husband and a cooperative co-wife (using the term for lack of a better term, ladies). It is quite normal to feel lonely when your husband is gone to his other home. In addition to your volunteer work, do you have a hobby? Do you exercise? Do you study Qur’aan? All of them are good activities that help your mind, body and soul.

    Feel free to comment, vent, or ask for advice whenever you want. We are a sisterhood here that can never have too many members.

    By the way, I’m the senior citizen of the group, but I’m young at heart – a 35 year old trapped in a 63 year old body, as my children’s friends say.

    Everyone remember to thank and praise Allah today for all that He has given us.

  • mastani

    January 13, 2016

    Hello…..

    My first attempt at writing on a blog. Yikes…
    A friend whom is a secret second wife had suggested I visit this blog a year ago.

    It’s not easy being a second wife. I am a second wife for the last 3 years now. Every day is a new challenge. I love my husband more than anything. He treats me well and is good to me. Alhamdulillah.

    The first wife and I are also decent to each other. Actually she is very good to me. I don’t know how she does it.

    Been feeling restless recently. …just not sure I want to be a second wife. Small things have started bothering me. When I see people in non-pologamy marriages. Wish I was his only wife.

    I have no kids so feel lonely when he spends the 2 nights there. I try to fill my time with voluntary work…but still an emptiness.

    Hope some advice on the blog will assist me.

  • anabellah

    January 13, 2016

    Nadia, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    It’s good to know you feel comfortable here and can write your thoughts and feelings :-)

    About being concerned that she may ask for a divorce when he tells her that he intends to marry you, there is a strong possibility that she will. Probably 90% or more women ask their husbands for a divorce when they bring polygamy to their attention. It’s nothing unusual. The wives may agree to accept polygamy, but still ask a number of times for a divorce. It’s the first thing most wives do. Usually the wives are caught off guard when the husbands hit them with polygamy as a strong possibility that it will happen. It’s like the first go to for them, like a knee jerk reaction. You should expect it.

    If you don’t want it to happen and will go on a guilt trip if you do, maybe you shouldn’t do it. Muslim women need to understand that Allah says in the Holy Quran not to make unlawful something that he has made lawful. If you don’t feel strongly about polygamy as an institution of marriage that Allah allows for Muslim men (which means women will marry the men as 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives), then you need to work on your belief about it before you could move forward in it. I believe polygamy is a process for the women today in the 21st century. For some, it could be good for the purification of the soul that could help lead to Jannah/Paradise. For others, it could be a means of punishment. Everything is from Allah.

    If you want the world – society and all your family- to accept polygamy, it’s not going to happen. Most of the world is anti-polygamy. You’re going to have to be strong, stand up and own it or walk away. When it is said polygamy isn’t easy, it’s only not easy if a person is focused on people and not on Allah. Polygamy could be a test for some Muslims. Tests aren’t easy and aren’t supposed to be.

    You said it feels like a “forbidden love”. I could see how it may feel that way. I think it’s because people have cheapened polygamy in their minds. Many people are against it to the point that it seems wrong. It won’t be an easy road for you to travel. Are you willing to fight for the marriage or not? It’s on you.

  • Nadia

    January 13, 2016

    Salam aleikum sisters! Im so glad i found this blog i feel i can write everything i feel and have in my heart. Thank u so much for your responds and advices. Anabellah you are right only Allah knows my future and what will happen in my life. But now im just trying to be a good muslim that’s the most important thing in my life and i will try my best to achieve that. If he becomes my husband or not allah knows. But i all know is that i love him and i wont listen to shaitans whipers as u said lol. My focus will only be on Allah. But one thing that really makes me sad and bothers me is that what if the wife says that she wants a divorce when he tells her about the truth. I really dont want that to happend cuz i will feel like its my fault and a broke a whole family :'( i really dont want to be that person. And another thing is it feels like the society is very against polygamy marriages and my family is against that to. They will be so against of our marriage. This really feels like its a forbidden love even though it’s not in islam. <3

  • Tasliyman

    January 13, 2016

    @Gail

    No I am not married to a Pakastani man. My husband and I both live where we were born and grew up so we are locals.

    Nothing as exciting (or complicated) as moving to different countries and learning new cultures.

    Just for interest sake- Afrikaans is not a typically African (black) language although it is one of south africa’s official languages.

  • Gail

    January 12, 2016

    Nadia,

    It sounds like u r on the right track.I would warn u though to find out from him how the other wife feels about polygamy and if she is going to be able to accept it.I know from my experience if they r Pakistani the women don’t really culturally accept Polygamy so u will need to know their culture and think to meet your future cowife and really get to know her and see if this is something she is willing to deal esp since they have three children together.He needs to prepare her because so many men just jump of the polygamy cliff and the wives are blindsided.
    I will say this it seems from what u said your man is not a liar type person and he was upfront with u so u r off to a really Awesome Start and I would for sure consider his proposal seriously.I am very happy for u!

  • Gail

    January 12, 2016

    Aisha,

    I am also curious why u decided to go back knowing he don’t want kids with u esp.. after u have seen text of his saying he loves her because she is the mother of his kids.What I mean to say what future do u see for yourself staying with him.Also u must know in everything u r saying it comes across that he is emotionally scared of his 1st wife.I think that is because she might have threatened to leave him and she has the kids.
    The way Ana laid it out in her post to u makes me really wonder why u are still there when clearly your husband is offering u nothing.
    I will be honest He clearly doesn’t love u the way a wife needs to be loved.I don’t know why u r putting up with being disgraced.I hope u really look inside yourself and figure out your self worth because u don’t deserve to be treated like that.U deserve to have at least one child and u deserve to have a beautiful happy life.U don’t deserve his unfair nasty humiliating treatment.Hugs…

  • Gail

    January 12, 2016

    Thank u ladies for the kind words!

    Tasliyman,

    CLever is good! lol Don’t mind if I spell your name wrong for some reason your name is hard for me to type correctly.Tesliyman u mentioned Clever being an African word is that correct and if so I am curious if u r African as in a Black skin lady?The reason I am curious is because u r married with a Pakistani man and u have kids with him.I am really curious how he treats u because I a several years ago I hand picked a mix black and white muslim woman to marry my brother inlaw she was from USA and when I took her to marry him u would not believe all the negative reactions I got from my inlaws.My younger brother inlaw flat came up to me during my older brother inlaws wedding and told me straight he don’t want a black woman and to find him a white woman.I got SHOCKED what the HELL he just said to me and as soon as he said it my sister inlaws all jumped around me quizzing me about her.Needless to say all of them were dang prejudice.I never dreamed up until that point Pakistani people were prejudice.It never once ever crossed my mind that it would be a problem.Needless to say he sent her back to USA right after marriage and he didn’t want her back but I threw a HUGE Fit and told them they better take her back and then I told her on the side don’t leave Pakistan again unless she leaves with her husband because they will not take her back.She said ok but the ding dong did not listen to me and left yet again and they refused to take her back.She ended up filing for divorce and that was 3 years ago.I quizzed them on this and they said they didn’t like her finally I dropped it but still it bugs me.
    I would love to know if there is a black woman married to a Pakistani man and he treats her good.So this is why I ask.I am very curious.
    If u feel it will be a problem to tell me it is ok as I know we r all under a secret identity here on the blog.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2016

    Nadia, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I am soooo happy for you because you are so happy. He sounds to be a good man who wants to do the right thing. You should get married sooner than later, Insha Allah, so you two won’t do anything stupid as you called it. I’m happy he not an old man too LOL

    Expect that his other wife will go through a thing (psychologically, emotionally, and physically) when she learns that he will marry you. Don’t take it personally. Don’t blame yourself. It’s something all wives whose husbands marry others must go through. I think for many, it’s their personal jihad (battle). Try to be patient and understanding with her. Insha Allah, show some compassion.

    I pray all goes well when he tells her and it doesn’t change anything for you and him. Take it a moment at a time. Don’t live in your mind. Don’t anticipate the future. The future is never what we perceive it to be. Stay focused on Allah and stay in the moment. Satan whispers to you what the future will be. You have your intentions, but don’t know how it will be, although your intentions may be good. If you live in your mind, you could be in for a let down. Allah has to tell you what will be and how it will be.

    You must remember Allah. Don’t get caught up in remembering the man you love and daydreaming about how the future (tomorrow) will be. Allah says remembrance of HIM is the greatest thing in life without doubt.

    I’ll make duah for you that your life with your husband will be all that is good and you look forward to. All your sisters are here to talk whenever you’d like to chat. Give us a Hola

  • Nadia

    January 12, 2016

    Salam aleikum @anabellah!
    Thank you so much for your respond. Thank you for your advice i really need it <3
    We both live in Europe and with flight its just 1 h and 30 min travel.In the country he lives in all my relatives lives there, and i visit them like every holiday. About our future together he said its up to me how i want to live and he would accept what ever i say. Now im in university and i will finish my education probably in 2 years. He wants me to finish my education and while im studying he will visit me here and sometimes when i go to my relatives i would see him there. We want to get married as soon as possible maybe in the summer beacuse we dont want to do something stupid. He told me whenever im ready to get married to him he will tell his wife, he wont keep me as a secret wife, i wouldnt accept that. He is very open about me and has told many of his relatives and they have acceptet me as while. I know i will be happy with this mane evn though he has a wife. I dont want to ruin his family thats why i may be accepting to be his second wife. His children are very young at the moment so they wont understand what is happening.
    Financially i think he can take of two families because he has his own bussiness. Wallahi I never though i would love a married man it was never in my mind. But now subhanallah look. Never say never…..

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2016

    Nadia, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You should feel very good about yourself that you stopped seeing the other man, and moved on with your life Alhumdulliah. Look at what happened when you tried to live right according to the dictates of Islam. Your life got better. It’s good to hear that you feel good now Good for you!

    About the new man whom you met and may marry, you’re going to have to weigh the good and the bad yourself, and make your intention to marry him or not. First you will need to get some answers from him. Has he let his wife know that he may marry again? He does NOT need her permission, but he should let her know. She deserves to know because if he marries you, it will affect her life and the lives of her children. Allah tells us to conduct our affair with mutual consultation. You need to let him know that you will not be a secret wife. It doesn’t sound that he want you as a secret based on what you’ve shared here. You want everything out in the open with him, his wife and children, if the children are old enough to understand.

    Secondly, you said he lives in another country. Will you move there? If not, how often will you and he see each other. You need to determine where you may live, and how much he will contribute to your maintenance.

    Will you be able to communicate with him freely by text, Face Time, email or however, without interference from his other family, if you live in another country? If you move to the country in which he lives, what would the schedule be? Those are some of the things that you should consider.

    About having the approval of others, it’s your life. Everyone has got an opinion. People will disagree with what you want to do. If you listen to them all, you will be very unhappy. Most will probably oppose what you want to do. You’ve got to do what is best for you and not try to get everyone to accept what you do. They won’t.

    As long as what you do is not against what is halal in Islam, you should not worry. Trying to get the acceptance of others only make people very unhappy. You must do what will make you happy. People do what they want and get all up in other people’s business making life difficult for them. You have to learn to ignore ignorance. It will come with some hard knocks and aggravation, but you can get to a good place. Use your noggan (brain) :-)

    We’re here if you have anything else to discuss or want to talk more. No question is a dumb one. You’re only 20 so you could learn a lot from us here. Many of us are older than 20 LOL

  • Nadia

    January 12, 2016

    Salam aleikum Sisters!
    My name is Nadia and im 20 years old. My life has been up and down. And i would like you to help me sisters :(. For a year ago i met a man in my work who is 33 years old. I started to like him and he took my number and we talked every day. He said he liked me but never loved. After 2 months he told me he has a girlfriend (NOT WIFE) in our home country. I was so sad when i heard it and i wanted to live him but every single times he called me i answered cuz i falled in love him with him. After 6 months taling he told me, he doesnt want to get married, and he juste wants to be with me like this. I couldnt bear it anymore so i went with my mother to a country for Holiday. I started to think by my self is it worth being with him, i want to be a good muslim, i want to pray, i want to wear Hijab i want to live by Allah’s rule, i dont want have a boyfriend i want a husband. So i started to be a better Muslim, i started to wear my hijab, i started praying and allhamdulliah i feel so good. But something happend when i was in this country, a 25 year old man started to like me. He is a good muslim ma sha allah he fears Allah, he prays, he fasts etc. But one thing is that he is married and has 3 children. He told me this in the first day and he didnt hide it from me. He also told me that he wants to marry me and whats a future with me. He doesn’t want me to be his mistress and he wants to live by Allah’s rules. I love him so much beacause i never met a man like him. He cares about me, he respects me and he dont want to something bad to me so he wants to marry me. I dont want him to leave his family, i can never do that to him or them. Im also worried if i say yes to the marriage that my parents would not accept it :( and everyone in my life would think im stupid for marrying a guy who is already married. I need help my sisters what should i do?? :(

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2016

    @Aisha,

    Tasliyman gave you very good advice. It could be that your husband thinks you are okay with everything since you don’t go off (act crazy) on him and throw temper tantrums the way she does. On the other hand, I think you’ve said that you’ve spoken with him about how you feel. Nothing has changed.

    Something seems very off to me about the entire situation. I’ve let you know it in previous posts. You’ve got a husband who has married women (you now and one before you whom he divorced) and brings them to live in the home with him and his wife. He does it knowing his wife (the first one) doesn’t accept the newcomer (wife). You said he’s divorced a woman before and then he married you. He brought you into the same mess. The first wife continues to act the same, crying and carrying on all the time. He knew very well that she would continue to do it when he married you. Something seems very perverse to me about the whole thing. Then she walks about and around you naked or partially naked. He tells you that you will live there and like it or he’d divorce you. He is willing to set you free.

    You have to understand. You are not a victim. You have left your husband before and went to stay with your mom who welcomed you. You said you may go there again for a while when the other wife gives birth. You have someplace to go. You have no children. Yet you went back to him. You went back to him knowing that nothing would change, and nothing has changed. Those two people whom you live with don’t appear to want a change.

    What do you think? Just because you want children and you want your husband to act like he loves you whether he does or not that Allah will make it happen? Do you really think Allah will changed those two just because you pray and ask him to. Those two people would need to want the change that you want for them, IN THE LEAST BIT. Maybe they don’t want a change. They are the ones who would have to seek it from Allah. If anything, maybe she wants him all to herself, but goes through hell on earth because she knows he wants another wife there. She sacrifice herself for him, not for Allah. He may love her because she sacrifices her own happiness for him. It’s why he is so into her. None of it has anything to do with them trying to serve Allah. I don’t know what you’re trying to do. It seems like all three of you are trying to satisfy your earthly desires.

    Allah says He will not change the condition of a person until the person changes what is in his or her heart. You go there and live with him, knowing you should have your own home. You left him, but went back to him, knowing he wants no children with you. You went back there knowing the conditions that existed and will continue to exist (Allah knows best). The only change it seems that you want is for him to love you the way you want him to, and to have children with him. Although you may want your own home, you settle for living there with him and her. It’s not the type of change that Allah speaks of.

    You are not in a good situation that will allow you to worship and serve Allah properly. You’re going to have to want sincerely to get up out of there and stay gone. You have to want it in your heart and mind. Until it happens you could expect to stay there and SUFFER. You are no victim. Those people aren’t doing anything to you, other than what you are allowing them to do by accepting a situation that is bad, when you have a way out. It’s not as though you have a few kids, don’t work, have no money and would be homeless, if you left him. Those two people whom you live with are doing their thing and don’t care whether you like it or not. Their thing is – you could leave. They appear to care nothing about you. You can’t keep doing the same thing and think that you will get a different result.

  • Tasliyman

    January 12, 2016

    @ Aisha

    I really feel for you. I can only imagine how hard it must be.

    The only thing I can say (this I learnt from Ana, it really works) is to trust in Allah and try not to obsess over your co-wife and husband so much. Being in the situation where your co-wife is about to give birth will certainly make you more sensitive and emotional than usual. Make an effort to place your focus on obeying Allah instead.

    And hey, never say never. Who knows what Allah has planned for the future.

    In the end, your husband is just human and is prone to make mistakes (Ana again). It could also be that he thinks you are ok with seeing him interact with your co-wife and it doesn’t upset you as much as it upsets her seeing him interact with you.

    Perhaps you should let him know that just because you don’t throw a tantrum whenever they interact with each other doesn’t mean it don’t hurt you when he pretends you don’t exist when she’s around. Let him know you are not made of stone even though you try to be accommodative and accepting most of the time.

    What is he like when she’s not around? Don’t answer if I’m being too forward :-)

    You are in my thoughts, hope things get better soon.

  • Aisha

    January 12, 2016

    Wow what you ladies said is soo true!!!! There is no way my husband will allow me to move out he says he would rather divorce me.. My husband also does really weird things like if me and him are alone and he hears her walking past he will quickly move away from me but when he is with her there has been times when he has called me into the room and she is giving him a foot massage.. Also my co wife is about to have a baby any day so I’m just making excuses and telling myself he is being extra nice to her for that… But I’m scared he will fall into being unjust and I don’t want that for him. I really wish I can move out… It never used to bother me before but now that they are getting ready for the baby to arrive I’m starting to feel really jealous especially because he said he doesn’t want to have children with me.. I will never have that bond with him I’ll never know what it feels like to be a mother.. I’ve read messages to her saying ‘of course I love you you’re the mother of my children’ so does that mean he will love me less?

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2016

    She is. I second your emotion :-)

  • Tasliyman

    January 12, 2016

    @Gail

    In the Afrikaans language ‘slim’ means ‘clever’. I’m not (English) slim myself so lets use the Afrikaans meaning instead .

    Hope you have a good night’s rest. My work day has just begun.

    I’m so happy that what I wrote is similar to Gail (she’s just so awesome )

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2016

    Gail,

    I laughed at what you thought it was. I’m going to call it a night too in a bit. It’s 2:15 am where I am. The hubz is snoring. I’m watching a Netflix movie. I can’t remember the name. It’s something cruelty with George Cooney and Zeta Jones. Good night ladies :-)

  • Gail

    January 12, 2016

    Tasilyman,

    One more funny thing and then I will shut my pie hole! U wrote Slm ladies which I read Slim Ladies in my crazy mind hahahha I was like why she calling us slim ladies.I got puzzled then my stupid self figured out it was short for salam hahahhah
    I got a good laugh because I am far from slim! hahah Oh my enough for tonight!!

    Goodnight Slim Ladies!!!! hahahahah

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2016

    Gail,

    I hear ya. I’m familiar with the feline. I ain’t got time for it.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2016

    Gail and Taslyiman,

    I totally agree with you both. With it said, Aisha’s co wield the power (She is the woman as in the man). She is the favorite wife. What she says goes.

  • Gail

    January 12, 2016

    I think woman r like cats in Polygamy esp…when they r are all together with husband.U ever seen a cat with the arched back just standing there ready to pounce. That is how I describe Polygamy tension.lol

  • Gail

    January 12, 2016

    Tasilyman,

    I read your post after I wrote to Aisha.U said exactly the same thing I said lol
    How funny!!! BUT totally true!!!

  • Gail

    January 12, 2016

    Aisha,

    What I meant to say about Ana having a point is that living separate u don’t have to have the underlining tension of being in the same home with your cowife.I think that underlining tension must be in every polygamous home where all the wives live together in my opinion.Even if they r the best of friends when u put all wives and husband in the same room there is just this weird unspoken strange tension.

  • Gail

    January 12, 2016

    Aisha,

    I totally understand where u r coming from and I know it is driving u crazy as well.Let me ask u and be honest …. Does your cowife have a more Dominant personality than u? I ask this because in my own Polygamy experience I was the way more Dominate wife meaning I am very verbal to the point I will knock my husbands head off if I don’t like the way he has it tilted.I know I should not say that but unfortunately G.D did not birth me with patience and remembering back I remember my husband wouldn’t look at my cowife either when all three of us were together just hanging out.Now if we were laughing and cutting up he would act totally normal but if were just sitting there he would just order her to do something or she would just sit there until she got fed up and just left.Looking back I could see now she was stressed out but she did not dare speak up to either of us.I tried to get her to speak up but she just wouldn’t.
    I normally disagree with Ana when it comes to living joint family BUTTT she does have a point when u live in the same home even if things r normal there is still this underlining tension in the air.I don’t know what to call it but I know u know what I am talking about and the husbands pick on that underlining tension and not making eye contact is one way for them to just ignore the elephant in the room.
    Now here is the thing to get rid of that elephant in the rooms comes with getting alot of yrs under your belt.I don’t know with both of u ladies being Muslim u will ever really be able to get rid of that tension because your lives r set up in a way that kinda always feeds off of jealousy not that I am saying Islam is set up wrong I am not saying that at all because G.D knows my way didn’t work out so great with us all living together either.
    I think if this is a real issue for u just talk to him and ask him why he don’t make eye contact or acknowledge u when the three of u r together because I think that is really what u r trying to say here if I am correct.Again I will say it has to do with keeping the peace and not rocking the first wives boat and keeping the tensions down.
    let me ask u this if he did make eye contact with u Do u think first wife would be jealous or pick a fight with him? U live with her what would her sincere reaction be if he did make eye contact with u.
    U know and I know that living in the same home as your cowife the most tiny things can set off a huge jealousy fit.Also if he did make eye contact with u would u feel like u were getting one up on your cowife? I am not saying u r a bad person(u r not) but when we live joint family we can see very very easily who we r inside and if we enjoy to put the knife in the cowife and twist it.So make sure u r not feeling jealous or making a mountain out of a mole hill simply out of jealousy and anger understand?

  • Tasliyman

    January 12, 2016

    @Aisha,

    I don’t really know your background but here’s my thoughts.

    The reason for his behaviour could possibly be because of the other’s wife reaction when he interacts with you. If she gets all upset with him when he is nice to you, he could be trying to avoid that by avoiding any loving contact with you when you are all together.

    Early on in my marriage my husband used to do some pretty hurtful things to me without realising how it made me feel. I realised afterwards it was because his other wife use to throw tantrums every time I was mentioned in their house. Algamdulillah those times have passed.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2016

    Tasilyman,

    That is awesome!!! We women have to give the husbands the space to feel the love. You go, girl. You rock :-)

  • Tasliyman

    January 12, 2016

    Slm ladies

    @Aisha,

    How does he react to the other wife? Is he not maybe “awkard” around her as well when you are all together or is it just with you?

    @Ana
    It’s so weird but since I’ve let go of my over-romantic expectations, my husband is the one that is being more romantic. Yesterday he told me he loves me a couple of times just out of the blue. He never used to do that.

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2016

    He probably doesn’t realize it. He doesn’t realize it because it’s natural. He’s only being his natural self.

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2016

    Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’ll jump in and give you my thoughts on what you’ve asked. Insha Allah, others will, as well.

    I don’t think you’re reading too much into it. If all the wives live together, they will know who the favorite wife is. It’s inevitable. A man will love one more than the other. He will have a favorite wife. Nothing anywhere says that he can’t show it. It’s his natural being. It is who he is and what he feels. What he feels will manifest itself. It will show through.

    People could say all that they want that a man shouldn’t let it be known who his favorite is. It’s ludicrous to think such a thing. He is in his skin, being his natural self. It’s how a husband and wife should be. What??? Should he look at this one 20 seconds and look at the other 20 seconds, hold the one wife’s hand and go hold the others. Kiss the one on the cheek and go kiss the other one? It’s crazy. He’s going to be who he is. It’s a sacrifice the wives make when they live together. They get to see stuff they shouldn’t see. They get to know stuff that they shouldn’t know.

    Allah doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear. We put the additional burden on ourselves. Wives aren’t supposed to live together. They should each have their own dwellings and privacy with her husband. When you live together, as you shouldn’t, you suffer the consequences. You get to know and hear when the husband is having sex with his other wife. You get to see which one he loves more. You have no privacy that a husband and a wife should have. It is what it is.

    You say it hurts. I’d imagine it would. Why wouldn’t it?

  • Aisha

    January 11, 2016

    Asalaam’alailum hoping everyone is in the best of health Insha’Allah… I just wanted some feedback from you ladies.. Ok well things have been smooth so far Alhamdulilah.. But there is one thing that is really playing on my mind I don’t know if it’s just me making an issue out of things I’m hoping you guys will tell me.. So whenever the 3 of us are together I feel like my husband isn’t even speaking to me.. He makes no eye contact with me whatsoever and it really puts me into a mood I feel like why am I even here?! I don’t think he does it on purpose but it really hurts me I’m pretty sure the co has noticed too. Anyway I mentioned it to him once but like I said I don’t think he realises. Am I reading too much into this?

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    You’re not alone in being a “hopeless romantic”. I think most women who live in developed, modern day countries are. Many women the world over wonder what happened to them. They are very unhappy. Their dreams didn’t come true. Their dreams didn’t come true because they were never based on reality. When we realize what is real, we are no longer disappointed. We begin to see life and live life the way it really is. We then become content in life and our lives are beautiful. We’re happy knowing we have knowledge of the world that many people don’t. Many are still trying to figure out the meaning of life. They feel their way around in darkness.

    Tasliyman, thanks for being here and for sharing :-)

  • Tasliyman

    January 11, 2016

    Ana, I really love the way you put things into perspective. In this instance it’s your view on the only way a polygamous marriage can work.

    I’ve always been a ‘hopeless romantic’. I’ve realised now how unislamic my expectations and ideas about love and marriage has actually been.

    This is a valuable lesson for any woman, whether you are the only wife or not.

    Thank you for the constant reminders.

  • Gail

    January 11, 2016

    Number4,

    Welcome to the blog I am Gail.I am really happy u r here I have always been curious about wives who are third and forth wives.I wonder what makes them pick a man that has so many other wives knowing he has very limited time to spend with so many wives and families.
    U mentioned about the 1st wife not wanting to meet any of the other wives.Why do u think that is?Do u think she just never accepted Polygamy and out of site out of mind?Do the other wives all feel the same as the first wife?I know for me personally I could never handle polygamy if I could not meet the other wives and let the children live as siblings because at the point it seems to be more about the man and his needs more than the wives and childrens needs although some families might be cool with not ever meeting but to me I will be honest i find it very strange.Whats your thoughts on it? Glad u r here!!

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2016

    number4

    I don’t think living polygamy is difficult in the United States as long as you keep all who is not related and connected to you out of your business. I’ve never known anyone to be harassed or bothered by the authorities for being polygamous – unless the person is a Mormon marrying a child or abuses the wives and children. If a person live polygamy as part of their religion and is not violating any laws on the book, the person is protected by “Freedom of Religion”. No one really cares about a polygamist unless the person is a foreigner (not a US citizen) trying to get citizenship or is a bigamist (has two legally registered Marriage License/Marriage Certificate). A United States citizen is fine living polygamy unless they break a law (statute) that is on the books (criminal code). There is no law against polygamy in the United States. Polygamy simply isn’t recognized as a valid marriage. If a man in the United States has a legal marriage license and another one of his wives has a personal contract with him for marriage, the other one can’t go to the courts to get it enforced because polygamy isn’t legal in the States. She’s crap out of luck. Still, no one is going to go to jail for it or have a criminal charge against the person.

    Note: foreigner do stand to be deported or denied citizenship/immigration status as they are not citizens of the United States and are not afforded all the rights and priviledges of citizens.

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2016

    Number4, Welcome! Thank you for being here and for commenting.

    I will give you my thoughts based on what you’ve shared with us about your situation. I like that you noted there is a difference between equality and fairness. I think each wife and her lifestyle must be considered when a husbands deals with each of his wives. I can’t get with the spend a dollar here and spend a dollar there. Get her a refrigerator and take the other a refrigerator too. The other wife then has two refrigerators. Then the one with one refrigerator says she should have two refrigerators because the other has two

    I don’t know if your husband has been divorced at all or has just married the four ladies whom he has now. I believe the only way a polygamous marriage is going to work harmoniously is if all involved have singleness of purpose. They all must be Muslims/BELIEVERS. They must want to serve and worship Allah with their eyes on Jannah/Paradise. From all I’ve seen and heard of polygamous marriages of today, it doesn’t exist. Men have more than one wife because he can. Each wife is trying to satisfy her desires and so is the husband. It has nothing to do with Allah. It just appears to. It’s illusionary.

    The only reason I could think of that your husband’s wife whom he married first doesn’t want to meet you is because she never accepted polygamy; although she’s been married to her husband for over 20 years. A woman doesn’t wake up one morning and find herself liking polygamy. It’s something that she has to work at. She has to want to like it and make an effort to like it. She doesn’t do it by befriending her husband’s other wives. She doesn’t do it by trying to please her husband by making an effort to like his other wives. She does it by knowing her religion – Islam.

    A wife learns to like polygamy by reading the Holy Quran to know what Allah says and what He expects of us. If the wife whom he married first isn’t doing it, she will continue to be just the way that she is. She won’t change. I doubt she is a happy camper. Allah will not change the condition of a person until or unless the person changes what is in his or her heart.

    Maybe the wife he married first sees her husband as one who just likes to collect wives as though they are trophies. Who knows? What reason did he give you for wanting so many wives? He can’t have married them to follow the way of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). If he did, you’d all get along to seek the good pleasure of Allah. I’m not saying you’d be best friends, but you’d wouldn’t be strangers married to the same man.

    I’d suggest you get on with your life with your husband, and leave those other wives to themselves. It seems you are disenchanted. You thought you were going to be part of a family that wanted to live Islam with Allah is mind. If the other wives don’t want to be bothered with you, don’t go kissing their butts, trying to make friends with them. Tell them to kiss your butt (just kidding). Keep it moving. They may not be the type of women you need to be bothered with. Allah tells us who to take into our intimacy. Just because they are married to the same man as you doesn’t mean they are worthy of your friendship.

    I hope what I’ve said has been of some help. Feel free to chat more. I like having you here.

  • Number4

    January 10, 2016

    I’m in a polygamous marriage. I’m the fourth wife, although in Islam there isn’t numbers attached to a wife, we are all supposed to be treated fairly. No where is it stated that wives can be treated equally. I knew that my husband had other wives, he told me at our first meeting. We are all Americans and insha Allah we are on the right path. I’m nearly one year married now, I have not met the other wives, the oldest wife refuses to meet anyone although she has been married to this man over twenty years. Polygamy in the U. S. under Islam isn’t easy, and if men had to do it they wouldn’t. I don’t call the other wives my Co Wives because we’ve never met and most likely will never meet. That’s not my choice.

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and hello to all you wonderful people out there in cyberspace

    I’m hopeful your new year is off to a good start, as mine is. Alhumdulliah!!!

    polygamy 411

    Keep holding on…

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2016

    Gail,

    To know your little son will be 10 years old on the tenth reminds me of how quickly our lives are passing us by. I remember him turning nine. It seems it was just weeks ago.

    God willing, he will have a wonderful day on the anniversary of his birth. Sounds like you’ve got a fun filled day planned. Enjoy!!!

  • ummof4

    January 7, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and welcome to all,

    Aqilah, I agree with the other ladies. If is is important to you to meet with the first wife, then ask for a meeting. It has been my experience that if a wife truly accepts polygyny and is willing to live a polygynous lifestyle, she is curious about the new prospective wife and wants to meet her. However, as I stated a while ago, there should be ground rules set for the meeting before it happens.
    1. The women should decide if they want to meet with or without the husband/prospective husband. If the two women want to meet without him, they should do so.
    2. No name calling or talking rude to each other.
    3. Ask intelligent, mature questions without getting too personal.
    4. Share whatever information you are comfortable sharing.
    5. Meet at a neutral place in public to avaoid craziness. Do not meet at anyone’s home or at the masjid.
    6. If the situation gets too tense or ugly for anyone, then stop the meeting.
    7. Everyone should be completely honest with no hidden agendas.

    This always worked for me and I have known it to work for others.

    May Allah help us all to be His righteous

  • Gail

    January 7, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I wanted to chime in and tell u don’t give it one moments thought about if u r the first or second wife.It is something that doesn’t even matter 1%.I will tell u why I think the way I do.When the truth came out I was like WTF am I the 1st wife or the 2nd wife.I got angry thinking I was the second wife(man i got pi$$ed)just thinking about it because I married into monogamy not polygamy and I had lived with my husband 8 yrs full time.Yes when we were in pakistan my excowife did live with us when we were there for 3 to 4 months out of the year BUT they never had sexual relations in all those years and he treated her like his cousin which she was.To make a long story short when the truth came out this was the deal he had legally divorced her before he married me.I was the one with the legal marriage license understand so technically I was the first wife now.lol but he did not ever give her talaq so technically she was the 1st wife still(or was she) hahaha Finally I was like u know what who cares what number I am because I am always going to be number ONE in my own book!!! and I don’t mean as a wife but as human being and that comes before any other status.So please if u r concerned about which number u r think no more of it because u are always going to be Number ONE as long as u r a good human! hugs…

  • Gail

    January 7, 2016

    Aqilah,

    Hi I am Gail Welcome to the blog! I agree with Jasmina and Ana totally.If u r sincere and want everything out in the open then just tell him straight to set a date for u to meet his wife.Do everything on the up and up.Now in saying that u have to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.What I mean by this if lets say she is not going to go along and give her blessing towards her husband practicing Polygamy are u going to be prepared to walk away from his proposal or will u go through with the marriage anyway? U have to know and understand that if his wife is not going to get on board with Polygamy and u r prepared to go ahead with the marriage u better warn your husband ahead of time that it is about to get real crazy up in here and is he ready for all the turmoil that is fixing to come down which could actually lead to his wife divorcing him.U have to lay everything out on the line and let him know that if u marry him u don’t want him acting up and getting all stressed out and treating u badly after marriage because u told him everything upfront.
    Also u need to be prepared that his wife might very well be in shock at first and she might agree to Polygamy out of fear and be nice at first then change later towards u and u and he needs to be prepared for that as well.Bottom line anything could happen and u all need a game plan as to how u r going to deal with this emotional issues should his wife have a meltdown.U can look at the women on the blog and let them be your guide in figuring out a game plan for your marriage is my advice(for example)… Ana has nothing to do with her cowife and it works great for Ana(but she doesn’t have kids so keep that in mind) Then u have me… My husband is Pakistani and I am American and my excowife is Pakistani as well.I have lived separate and together with my excowife for 8 yrs.I am raising her 2 children with my son in USA.She said she was accepted Polygamy but she didn’t she just lied to keep hubby from kicking her out.After 8 yrs she finally told him divorce her or me make a choice and he let her go.I was distraught for yrs over that mess and don’t wish anyone go through what I went through.
    Then u have Umof4 she has always lived separate from her cowives which have lived in other countries and to my knowledge she has always made it a point to befriend her cowives.There are just so many examples of what to do right and hat to do wrong my advice is don’t rush sit and think and take your time and make certain your man knows exactly what he is getting into and if he can handle it and also make certain his wife knows and her thoughts on the topic are.Hope this helps.

  • Gail

    January 7, 2016

    Ana,

    Just checking in not alot going on silently reading and trying to keep up.
    I am not much into world Politics but it sure seems Saudia Arabia better knock off before they get into a mess with Iran.Seems we are going to end up in WWIII the way things are progressing along.
    My youngest Son birthday is on the 10th so I have been getting things ready for his big day.Birthdays at my house are off the hook amazing! I don’t celebrate Christmas but I love gifts and going over the top so Birthdays are that time for me to lavish my kids.My son has picked Chinese for his at home dinner(I always cook the Birthday child what they wish for their birthday)it has become our family tradition.I also let the child pick their favorite out to eat place to go for their Birthday Dinner and a special place they would like to go.This Year my son has picked Logans Steakhouse so he can have Steak and Lobster then after he wants to go skating and then back home for Cake and Icecream and open gifts.He ordered an airplane cake(No real surprise there) as he is studying for his Pilot License.lol He is only 11 and confident about his future in Aviation.On the flip side though he can’t manage to keep poop of the toilet and sink when he wipes his Butt! I will be forever amazed at how people can be so intelligent on one hand but on the other be as a simple as a stick! LOL G.D bless my baby Son he is the light of my life.As a mom all your kids are special but there is something about the baby in the family knowing the baby is the last one.Even I don’t want more children but something about him growing up makes me happy and Sad all at the same time.
    So thats what is going on with me this week! Hope all is going well with u and the other ladies on the blog I will try my best to check in.
    P.S. I forgot to mention which this is really funny I took him to Toys R Us and told him go pick out anything he wanted for his Birthday.Well he comes back and says he wants this submarine which everyone responded what r u going to do with that big old toy!!His older brother said u can’t do anything with it because it is to big to put in water(the sucker is huge)Obviously I figured out he wanted to pretend play with it and I told the other kids and they said whats that? I looked at them like our u for real?? I ended up having to explain to my older 2 kids what pretend play was and after I explained they died laughing and thought I was crazy off my rocker! I started thinking about it and I can’t recall my older kids ever pretend playing.They have either had TV or the internet.The only thing close to recalling that my middle son pretend played was him thinking he was Spiderman and climbing my hallway walls with one leg on one wall and the other leg on the other wall.Looking back now the same son is still into cartoon Characters that are strong and fight and he has asked for at home gym for his coming up birthday lol.
    Oh for any of u that have small kids Toys R Us who is reading this they have this really cool red flying remote control dragon for 40 bucks at Toys R us that I also bought my son for his birthday which I can’t wait to check it out and see it fly myself.Toys R Us has some cool stuff out I thought.

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2016

    Jasmina, thank you for welcoming Aqilah

    @Aqilah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam & Welcome!

    It would be good if you could do as Jasmina suggested – speak to his wife. I’m sure Gail who is missing in action here for a while would say the same thing. My gut feeling is his wife wouldn’t want to talk with you, as she probably is not on board with polygamy, if she knows about you at all. You should be direct and ask him if she knows about you, unless he’s told you that she does and you don’t believe him.

    I totally understand you want his wife to know and you want to be certain of it. If she doesn’t know, you could bet your last dollar that you may end up getting the short end of the stick, when he starts hiding you, starts taking your nights from you, and treating you like a booty call.

    Don’t be shy with him. SPEAK UP and get sine answers. Take care of that matter before you marry him, because afterwards when you’re more emotionally invested it will be difficult to get out of the dilemma. Don’t fear him. What’s the saying? Speak now or forever hold your peace.

  • cici

    January 6, 2016

    ummuof, jasmina,

    Tq very much for the advices. really appreciate it. {hugss}

  • Jasmina

    January 6, 2016

    Aquilah

    Walaikum sallam wa rahmatullah wa barakatu
    Have you asked him if you can speak to his wife or perhaps meet her? I would make that a prerequisite to at least speak to her and ensure you are both on the same page. Secondly will there be a walima? If there is a walima and you have your witnesses and your wali then that is enough so that it’s not secret. As additional security though I would definitely speak to his wife and also his family beforehand.

  • Jasmina

    January 6, 2016

    Cici, if you have done istikhara and still things are on a standstill don’t push it and don’t wait for it to happen, perhaps Allah is trying to guide you towards a different path. Sometimes Allah gives us a way out of what may be a difficult situation but we do not listen to the clues and take the more difficult path, and down the road ask why Allah put us through this and that. I know I have been there, subhanAllah looking back so many times it was as if Allah really was showing me a better way but I was too caught up on a man to follow the guidance of Allah and his His advice via our Quran and of course Sunnah. You know like Ana said if it’s something good for you Allah will make it easy inshaAllah. I wonder if perhaps this will be a difficult path for you and so Allah is giving u other opportunities and maybe if you let this go for the sake of Allah he will give you something better or even give you this man but make it easy for you because u chose Allah first.

    Believe me marriage shouldn’t be that hard… WHats the big deal either a man wants to marry u or doesn’t. He is too caught up on his first wife, probably will always be the case and since he sees you being pretty much desperate and with low standards he won care much if you lose out like you are now… Everyday you wait is more days you are losing out. Now it’s this, what next? Will he make u pay ur on home, make u give up your days, etc etc etc… TRUST me doesn’t look good. A strong confident woman that a man respects will not be going through this, the man will get his sh** together to not lose her. Yeah I sooo wish I could have been that woman I speak off haha but I can’t change my past but perhaps share the little I have learnt about life.

  • Aqilah

    January 6, 2016

    As-salaam alaykum wa-rahmatullahi wa-barakathu

    I have been asked for my hand in marraige by a Muslim man. He is already married and he has taken necessary step o show his seriousness, for instance . Contacting wali (wakeel) ect. However my fear is he has not told his first wife about me and I refuse to be a secret. I’m sure it is hard enough dealing with being a 2nd wife . I want to have more children and don’t want them to be a secret. I know Allah knows best but I’m finding this very difficult. Sisters help me please?

  • ummof4

    January 5, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Cici, I agree with Ana. You are not sure; the man is not sure. The only one who is sure is his wife. She is sure that she will wait to tell her husband and you that you have her permission to marry. The man is just using it as an excuse. If he truly wanted to marry you, he would have done so by now. If you do marry him, be prepared to be second fiddle to his first wife. It is obvious who runs the marriage – her. She will probably run your marriage as well, with his permission.

    Please walk away now while there is still time.

    Everyone remember to thank Allah for His gifts to us.

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2016

    Cici,

    Of course, you are most certainly welcome to post here any time, if it pleases Allah. Whether you are in a polygamous marriage or not, you are welcome. We’re happy to have you here with us. {{{hugs}}}

  • Cici

    January 5, 2016

    On other note, i feel you on being in doubt. I hv those doubt feeling towards couple of single men that i was matchmade with.it is frm gut feeling right, not something that u make up as excuse to walk way. And likewise I looked for any red flag while with this man,but i still yet to find any of it.

  • Cici

    January 5, 2016

    Ana,

    I thank you for your suggestion and really appreciate it. I seen this man has all qualities that ive been looking for. A man with good religious practice and fully responsible for his family.I can assure you that im now not on cloud nine but i no doubt feel safe about marrying him. We hv agreed to stay out of touch while he is At home with family, and this is why i run out of positive vibe.. They went to mecca to perform umrah recently and Hopefully they will be light out of it.

    Well i hope i still can post anything here for advice , tho.
    *hugs*

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2016

    cici,

    To add to what I said, “If it don’t fit, don’t force it.” Before I married my husband, while Muslim,(I had offers for marriage while non-Muslim, as well) two Muslim men that I contemplated marrying, I walked away from. I had doubt. There was no certainty. It didn’t feel right. I gotta steppin (walked away). I went with who I felt good about marrying, and was doubt free.

    The man doesn’t appear to be the one for you. Walk away.

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2016

    ~Fatima~ Wa Alaikum As Salaam and Happy New Year to you too

    What’s doing? LOL I’m in a silly mood this morning. Any prospects in sight for a new beau? As I said, go back out there, jump on that horse and ride like the wind. Make sure you pick a good one (with the help and permission of Allah). It’s Fajr time here, so I must run. Enjoy your day, sis.

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2016

    cic, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good you are still with us and you’ve been reading along. Nice! Thank you for updating us on what’s been happening with you.

    Sister, my thoughts are that you’ve got your answer already. Walk away. Doubt is the answer. I go with the saying, “When in doubt, do without.” Your situation shouldn’t be that difficult. What is meant to be is usually quite easy. If you are for him and he is for you, you’d know it and you’d go with it. It wouldn’t be contingent on other variables. You wouldn’t be sitting back waiting for someone else to decide what you should do. You’d just do it. It’s what I’ve seen has happened with most people who are in polygamous marriages.

    You’re putting a burden on yourself, on your potential husband and an undue burden on his wife. Why should she be made to figure this marriage thing out for you and him. It’s difficult for a wife to tell her husband to go ahead and marry another woman. Now she’s made to feel badly if she says no and badly if she says yes. She hurt either way and mentally tormented and angst. If you want to marry the man, marry him, if not, walk away and let him and his wife resume their marriage, Insha Allah, in peace. It’s how I think about it. Insha Allah, it’s helpful.

  • ~Fatima~

    January 5, 2016

    AssalamAlaikum
    Happy New Year

  • cici

    January 5, 2016

    assalamualaikum ana and sisters,

    i hv written my story here before this, if u still can recalled that I am in the midst of deciding whether to marry or not this married man. his wife knew about this, and we met. the last post i wrote was that i was ready to accept him and being the second wife. since then, ive been the silent reader. there were many things happened in between, and the last i talked with the wife, she was on good speaking term with me. she said to me to perform salah and dua so that she can accept me. she asked me on our planning to get married i.e when and where etc. she said to give her some time to think, before she can decide whether or not she can come to agreement on our intention.

    pls dun get me wrong Ana, yes, we can proceed even if she disagree. but due to his kids, family, cultural issues, i insist to the man that we will only proceed with the marriage if only the wife accept our plan upfront. likewise, the man said that now he only depends to Allah decree and wife’s agreemnt for us to proceed.

    she was quiet until now. i hv been positive on any outcomes, and my gut feeling feels that I can be patient to wait her respond, be it go or no go.

    ive been telling myself to think positive to whatever Allah swt decrees to me , be it married or not. but there are times, i question myself, despite my positivity, can i actually shoulder the burden of sharing husband? especially with limited time that I hv with him, and other roller coaster drama when being in poligamy. I question myself on how strong i can be when Im married? they say there are huge difference when u step in married life as compared to single life, let alone poligamy.

    i keep pray for Allah swt to show me way, to give me signs, and most of the times I feel good and safe about this whole poligamy thing. i dunno whether my judgement is clouded by my positivity or my curent situation as free, single career woman.

    i dunno whether im thinking into things too much, i’m just-clueless and scared sometimes. i dunno how prepared i am to pursue life in poligamy.

    i need some wisdoms, thank you sister.

  • anabellah

    January 4, 2016

    asiya, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you very much for expounding on it. I thought it probably had something to do with Shia belief, as I know Allah in the Holy Quran said the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is the seal of the prophets, the last one and there would be no more. He says in the Quran that the only one that will return to earth is Prophet Jesus (PBUH). Anyhow, thanks again :-)

  • asiya

    January 4, 2016

    I forgot to write it is said he is the living and walking proof of Allah

  • asiya

    January 4, 2016

    As salamu alaykum Ana,
    I try my best in short form if that happens lol:)

    When i converted to islam I had a big problem because I had two choose either Sunni islam or shia and then the many sections of those groups I read in the quran about how god told us not to section and instead of choosing one I decided to learn both
    I found the major difference between them was that Sunni islam left out a huge and important part I would think which was the prophets family his children and grandchildren who are his blood and learnt from him his traits and genes
    My family is important to me so it made sense if I was going to learn and love our prophet I would need to learn about them to not just his companions and his wives
    I don’t call my self Sunni or shia I call myself a true believer a muslim

    I know Sunni and shia both have the hadith of the event ghadir khumm were the prophet said

    The Messenger of Allah [s] declared:

     “It seems the time approached when I shall be called away (by Allah) and I shall answer that call. I am leaving for you two precious things and if you adhere to them both,  you will never go astray after me. They are the Book of Allah and my Progeny, that is my Ahlul Bayt. The two shall never separate from each other until they come to me by the Pool (of Paradise).” 

    I suggest yu search the progeny of the prophet the ahlulbayt and yu will see the line of his progeny feom his daughter fatima Az zahra and her husband Imam Ali A.s down to the last imam Mahdi A.s

    In short ghadir khumm was when the religion of islam was complete and right before our prophets departure he warned them about splitting and everyone as in also Sunni hadith gave allegiance to Imam Ali A.s to be his next successor which makes sense as the prophet looked after him and brought him up when he was little and married his daughter so he would be more fit for the position if yu search the history of Imam Ali a.s you see what a great mam he was
    When our prophet died people straight away fought for the caliphate even though they knew it was ment for imam Ali a.s they made the excuse he was to young etc and took the caliphate it was about the power they wanted

    So the currupt men disliked the imams a.s and kept making there life hard because they were preaching true islam of what they were taught by our prophet a.s and put them in prisons and killed them poisoned them

    If you search about imam Muhammad al mahdi a.s (the name mahdi means guided one ) you would learn more easily than what I can explain

    He is the last imam the last grandchild of our prophet a.s and is hiding, the caliphate at that time knew about the 12th imam and the threat he was to them and the currupt rulers of the future he will fight the rulers of Curruption and bring peace once again and bring the true islam with the help of Allah and the true Muslims many people will be guided and join him his father imam Hasan al askari a.s was put into prison for majority of his life so they could avoid the birth of him but Allah let his wife nargis a.s fall pregnant but her pregnancy was unseen she didn’t lool pregnant and she gave birth they had to take him away and hide him and when his father passes away and it was time for him to take on the responsibility he came out for the first time and straight after he had to hide because the wanted to kill him and Allah has helped keep him alive and hidden from people it is said some have seen him even we may see him in our lifetime before he comes out but nobody realises it’s him most of the time it is not until after they realise and Allah can do all things prophet nuh a.s (noah) lived for 980 years and Allah has kept prophet isa alive and safe from his people and raised him to heaven

    Before the day of judgment comes and when imam Mahdi a.s has reppeared prophet isa a.s will also come down and help him

    There so much I could write and there have been signs said before his reapperance that i have seen come true in my lifetime like what’s happining with Syria and the chaos involved with that etc but this is the best for now and the basics I can explain I suggest everybody research both sides of islam and the personality learn from their lives

    In the end only Allah controls all things and the future is in his hands inshallah we are all safe and make our lives useful before day of judgement

    I hope this was useful I tried lol I’m not very good at writing like this

  • jasmina

    January 4, 2016

    Ana

    thats makes me feel so much better. no it doesnt matter the order but it does something to your self esteem. i guess i feel beat down down so much because of all the problems that i without even thinking just as u say think so little of myself. you just boosted my self esteem!

    i love that… i have reclaimed my position.

  • anabellah

    January 4, 2016

    asiya, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I don’t know anything about the Prophet Muhammad’s grandson. Would you elaborate on it please.

  • Tasliyman

    January 4, 2016

    Oh yes Jasmina, the dreaded second wife status.

    I no longer worry about the fact that I married my husband second. It’s neither here nor there. At the time he married his first wife I was still in school and not even old enough to get married. Our paths crossed many years later when I was not only old enough but also ready. Allah’s divine plan so why would I want to argue with that?

    What I do still have problems with is how other people react to me being a second wife. As Ana mentioned already not all Muslims accept polygamy (especially ladies). In our society some ladies are openly hostile to ladies who are second wives. (Third and fourth wives are not really common in our society – at least not that I know of). There’s definitely a stigma attached to being a second wife in our society.

    You have ladies in monogamous marriages that will treat you like they expecting you to make a move on their husband at any time. Or ladies that will treat you with disdain and disrespect as they believe you have done something disgusting. You are seen as the evil person who has caused the poor, innocent first wife a lifetime of pain. Not everyone thankfully. Although the ones who do this hurt you enough to make you feel darn right miserable.

    I have a really hard time when people who heard my husband got married again sees me with him, then they stare at me like I’m some monkey in a zoo and whisper to each other. It upsets me so much.

    I know I should not let it bother me. I don’t really know what they think of me and I’m probably expecting the worst again. At the end of the day Allah is my Judge – not people. But it still hurts.

  • anabellah

    January 4, 2016

    Despite what some may think, Allah won’t ask anyone anything on the Day of Judgement. We will each be given our individual books that leave out nothing big or small . Then we will go to our respective place, either Jannah (Paradise) or the Hell Fire. Allah won’t stoop low to look at an unbeliever on the Day of Judgement, let alone ask the person any questions.

    What need is there for Allah to ask anyone anything on the Day of Judgement when it’s the day we each are given our individual books and He already knows everything as He created us. He wrote the script.

  • anabellah

    January 4, 2016

    If my husband were to remarry his now ex-wife whom he married and divorced before he met me, I’d consider her to be his first wife. Do you think your co considers herself married first? She may say yes, but I think she thinks, no.

  • anabellah

    January 4, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Not that it should matter about the order you married in, but why do you consider yourself a “second wife “? You were married to him first (not just dating). He married another. He then REMARRIED you. I’d think you simply reclaimed your position. Well, anyhow, it’s how I see it. If you think little of yourself, you will be little.

  • Jasmina

    January 4, 2016

    Tasliyman
    You totally get me.
    I hadnt considered that him taking things away from co’s house would hurt her. I guess that makes sense. It sucks completely that I have this second wife status when I was in his life first lol hmm I need to rub that off its not I important as he does love me, somehow I feel that because we have been soo close for so long in the past that he expects me to always be the understanding one, very annoying. I will try be patient I guess InshaAllah.

  • Jasmina

    January 4, 2016

    Mari2
    You sound very strong and like you know just what you want and how to ask for it. I’m complete opposite, I think I know what I want but when I get I i realise I wanted something else, I’m indecisive and unassertive lol. Phew no wonder I’m in this mess lol.

    I need to focus more on n Allah, that’s why I love this blog. When I think you have this down pat I falter but the reminders here help me pick myself up again alhamdulillah.

  • Jasmina

    January 4, 2016

    Ana
    Thanks Ana, you make me feel hopeful. Alhamdulillah. Writing all this makes me realise he progress we make and that my husband is trying his best. He is probably going through a very hard time. I don’t think you convince people to stay in bad marriages, actually I used to think you would encourage people to leave their marriages but now that I have been reading and engaging with the blog for sometime I see that you are not biased either way…. And why would you be, you don’t know any of us. You say is how it is based n your experience and wisdom. I value that the most about the blog. Friends and family are biased and fogged out when it comes to giving good advice, though they have good intentions.

  • asiya

    January 4, 2016

    Jasmina I was in a similar situation to you I have two little ones I know the feeling
    Don’t give up hope or despair
    You should keep trying to reach ur msg to ur husband of what you want and need it may be that ur husband needs to compromise a few things for you and ur son and work with you to fix this issue

  • asiya

    January 4, 2016

    @ jasmina I feel yu girl, it’s very hard to adapt I’m only just settling in and it feels good

    me and my hubby have start communicating and instead of fighting and having a mentality of assuming how everything is when in reality can be something different
    I let out all my problems and he let’s out his and we work together and understand each other,
    I found comprising and making deals really helped like if he does something more for co unintentionally he makes it up to me in a way that we both agree on not just what he thinks will make it up

    We as wives have to look put for our husbands it’s our duty expecially in polygamy we have to speak up if we feel our rights are not being given or if he is being unfair cause our husband will get asked by Allah
    It’s one thing a wife letting her husband know and warning him and if he listens and does the right thing or doesn’t and makes lofe difficult for himself and hereafter
    Than for us not to say anything at all and be weak and then Allah asking us on day of judgement why didn’t yu help ur husband to be fair and give yu ur rights

    My husband has clothes at both me and cos it’s better for yu although me and my Co both buy our husbands clothes and he buys for himself whenever he pleases

    Yu know I read a saying that yu made me remeber

    If you can do withoit something , leaving it. Only take what you need instead.

    It’s simple but affective I have to use this more often sometimes we start thinking we need so many things because today with our society and materialism you can really get caught up with it

    Hope it all works out for you

  • Jasmina

    January 4, 2016

    Ummof4
    Thank you for sharing what your husband would do. I hope my husband does more of that, I would ease up an already difficult situation.

    He says he is late for work, but eventually changed his story to say he is late as he stays as the masjid after work. Meaning he stays there at least 3 hours after work 7 days a week . After a while he told me going there is his time and his way to have his own space. If it’s not that it’s his friends, there’s always something. Weekends, holidays, there’s always something that makes him come home late at exactly the same time. I don’t know really, but I tend to not believe much of what he says only because he has lied to me in the past, mind you I am slowly discovering that a lot of things he says are true.

    Yes he promised me that things would change after remarrying, that he would be home early, he would be a family man, take us out, spend time with me and our son etc. I asked him about these things many times before marriage because I didn’t want to enter into a situation the same as before.

    My husband is not a hands on gather at all. With him coming home late and leaving early my son sees him maybe once a week for minutes. About once a month he might take my son to the masjid.

    To remind you of my story, we have been married about 2 years now, we were divorced for roughly over 2 years and we were married for 1.5 years first time including iddah. He has been married to the other for 5 years. Having said that we were promised for each other or engaged for 7 years prior to our first marriage and dated 2 years though that was before he was religious and I was not yet Muslim.

  • anabellah

    January 4, 2016

    Jasmina,

    It’s good your husband is being understanding, has been apologizing, and is trying to make things right with you. Alhumdulliah! I think you and he will be alright. He’s learning the same as you. We women seem to think men are mind readers or should just know. Sometimes they aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed. It’s why we are their help mates.

  • anabellah

    January 4, 2016

    It’s sad when non-Muslim countries such as the US has to come out and tell Muslim countries they must stop all this sectarianism.

    asiya, you’re right! We can’t save the world. We can try to save ourselves :-)

  • Jasmina

    January 4, 2016

    Ana
    Thank you, yes I am probably being petty about his belongings considering we have bigger problems. I think I will suggest what you said, for him to bring things over/swap as he needs them so he doesn’t have to keep going to my co’s all the time.

    Good reminders so thanks. I guess it’s everything put together, not just him not having many belongings here in our home. I talked to him today about how I felt and he was surprised and said he had no idea he made me feel this way and was going to try harder. That was somewhat of a breakthrough. For him to understand finally what I’m saying and accept it… Not just that but he apologised. He never apologises, so this is a huge thing. He has apologised about 3 times in past three weeks. That’s 3 times in 15 years! So I have to say our communication is improving compared to what it was a year ago. As you say it’s a phase and there will probably be more phases to come as I adjust to polygamy, I’m just Very glad I have you wise ladies to help me through it and remind me of the bigger picture alhamdulillah.

    If I had to think of a deeper issue I would say it’s probably resentment. It I will buy him some clothes anyway, I hadn’t thought of that.

    You are right it’s up to me to put myself in the position I want to be in and really the position I have and that’s of his wife. I am his wife regardless. And the mother of his first born child. Though as you say I do have expectations and so I will try to be more content with what I have right now.

  • asiya

    January 4, 2016

    Salamu alaykum
    Even though our world is coming corrupt and also our resources and people who teach islam and we can’t trust many
    We must remeber that soon our beloved prophets grandson will come out and guide us inshallah we are Alive to meet him what better source of knowledge is there today than the grandson of the prophet compared to these people who have made islam in to seperate sections.
    There is only one islam and we can only try our best and rely completely on quran and Allah and the reappearance of Imam Mahdi A.s and hopefully one day we will all become one ummah one islam and be living peacefully with each other working together for our next life

    I am sadden by how many sections of islam there is and how they fight each other like animals
    Ur right Ana, soon saudi will go down and every corrupt ruler, nation and people

    Who knows what will happen in future but we must work on our self’s and become better people we can’t change the world’s but we can change ourselves ?

  • anabellah

    January 3, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    As you stated, we live it and we learn it. We all do. Life is one big learning experience. Not everyone gets it though. Thank Allah for giving us understanding. What a wonderful blessing. Allah u Akbar!

  • anabellah

    January 3, 2016

    Gail,

    It’s culture and people such as scholars and sheiks say it’s Islam. It’s not! It’s bull friggin crap.

  • Tasliyman

    January 3, 2016

    @Jasmina

    When I just got married my husband had very few items at my home. It was obviously a very hard time for his wife (to whom he was married for many many years) as well as his children and I think that taking his belongings from there was just adding to their hurt.

    So he would slowly bring some things over to our home and where we could we would buy new things to keep at our home.

    I remember that there were times that I felt like he came to have a “holiday” at my place and then he went “home” – because he had so few things at our home.

    I sympathise with you as I can imagine that it would be hurtful feeling like he doesn’t really live with you.

    It’s a pity I didn’t know about this blog at that time because yes, I had many expectations that were not met. So I had many disappointments and spent a lot time being hurt and depressed. But Alhamdulillah,we live and learn.

    @Ana,

    Your insights on the favourite wife aspect has helped me a lot. I’m still not the point I would like to be as far as accepting it is concerned but Alhamdulillah I have made so much progress in accepting that my husband actually has another wife that he loves and care for.

  • anabellah

    January 3, 2016

    Gail,

    I think Saudi Arabia is going to go Down. They are in for a royal fall off that throne. Their time is up. Allah will protect the Khaba, though.

  • Mari2

    January 3, 2016

    Ana,
    It’s all learned helplessness. Few women speak up. So very sad. Is it pathan? Is it patriarchy? Is it lack of good education and lack of female role models? Idk. But coming from a family of very strong women, I cannot fathom.

  • Gail

    January 3, 2016

    Ana,

    Oh Oh I was listening to prophesy the other day talking about Iran nuking Saudia Arabia I didn’t think to much of it but it made clear which did stand out in my mind that if they nuke Saudia Arabia then Saudi is going to burn burn burn not to mention Mecca will be destroyed.I will have to watch what is going on.I have felt like for awhile we r living in the end times but every generation has felt that way.

    Mari2,

    Oh my I took your post to heart today I just had a chat with my husband about his sisters daughter and it seems she is going to loose her only child.In Pakistani the father unless he don’t want the children or he can’t afford them gets the kids.It seems the family is not going to put up much of a fight to keep that kid and when i started quizzing on it he said look his sister might want to remarry and she can’t sit with that kid until she is 18.Now in my brain I know this but to hear it spoken outloud really disturbed me and I said yeah that is right she has to sit with the child until she is 18 she is that kids mother she made that choice the day she became pregnant but he don’t see it that way at all he thinks the dad gets the kid and thats it mom moves on.Is this Islamic or culture because I am just well I don’t know lost for words at how a child is the property of the father and not the mother.
    I have always given my excowife the option to contact me regarding the kids but she choice not to deal with it.

  • anabellah

    January 3, 2016

    Wow, Mari2, say what. You said, ” But people in Pakistan. .they don’t require such tenacity from mothers or girls. That makes me mad. The whole learned helplessness crap in that society just chafes me.”

    Don’t hold back. Tell us what you really think I hear ya.

  • anabellah

    January 3, 2016

    @Mari2,

    Yep, it’s crazy as all outdoors LOL Insha Allah, I’m going to listen to the song “The World is on Fire”. I may have heard it before, but just didn’t know who sung it.

    I’m seriously messed up though by all the craziness. To think the Middle East was about to make some progress in Syria and Iraq and now this:

    The Iranian Shia Sheik was vocal and spoke out about the “Royal Family” in Saudi, saying it was unIslamic. Saudi beheads the sheik. All hell breaks loose with the Shia around the world. The Shites riot on the Saudi Embassy in Tehran. The Saudis tell the Iranian diplomats to get the hell out of Dodge (Saudi Arabia) before Maghrib (really 48 hours). What’s next?

  • Mari2

    January 3, 2016

    @Ana,
    Crazy stuff going down in the Middle East and right here in the US where some white militia took over a federal building. To quote a lyric from Sarah McLoughlin “the world is on fire…”. Fabulous song btw. An oldie but fits these times.

    Jasmina,
    Ana has a good point about expectations. It’s a point I have become familiar with during my struggles within polygamy. If you harbor expectations from a man you shall surely be disappointed. Allah will not disappoint though. You can be a good wife and focus your expectations upon Allah. I understand that at times one can feel like a booty call. Even women in monogamous marriages can feel like this too. Male insensitivity toward women is not owned by the style of marriage or the amount of children they have. It’s just a fact of their mentality, religion not withstanding. The most important thing that I have learned in my marriage with M is that I have the ability and wherewithal to walk away when I feel uncomfortable with his demands that I do this that or another thing to help his family. Don’t get me wrong, he and I do help one another and our family members, but I am the one most likely to draw the line. And I draw that line for my adult children too as my parents drew the line for me and my siblings. I am enormously thankful that my daughter has worked herself to the bone to provide a good place for her own daughter. But people in Pakistan. .they don’t require such tenacity from mothers or girls. That makes me mad. The whole learned helplessness crap in that society just chafes me.

  • anabellah

    January 3, 2016

    Ooooops, Sorry, I meant Iran and Saudi Arabia.

  • ummof4

    January 3, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Jasmina,in answer to your question about where the husband kept his clothes, my husband always had belongings at both houses. Even when he was married to a sister in another country and spent less time with her than with me, he made it a point to leave clothing and belongings at both homes. I don’t know what your husband’s schedule is with his wives, but you say he always comes home late. Is it because he works late or because he is at his other home? Do you know why he comes late?

    I can understand you feeling like a mistress or hooker if your husband comes home late, goes to bed and leaves early in the morning. But try to put the best construction on it.

    From what I remember, you and your husband were married, divorced, and remarried. So you already knew him and how he acted. Did you expect him to act differently when you remarried? Did he promise you that things would change? I suggest that you talk to him and let him know how you feel. There is no logical reason that I can think of as to why he has nothing at your home but a pair of old pajamas and a pair of shoes.

    As far as your son goes, is your husband a hands on father or does he leave most of the child rearing to you? Is it part of his culture to spend a lot of time with his wife and children or does he spend most of his time at work or with his friends or at the masjid?

    If you care to share your story again briefly, hw long were you married the first time, how long were you divorced and how long have you been remarried? How long has he been married to his other wife?

    Everyone have a good week remembering to thank Alah for all that He has given you. It’s a long list.

  • anabellah

    January 3, 2016

    Looks like Iran and Iraq are getting ready to throw down. It about to get hot up in there. Check the news.

  • anabellah

    January 3, 2016

    Jasmina,

    You said you don’t feel good as a Muslimah because your husband comes home late at night; he doesn’t take you out; he doesn’t take the children to the park; he has told you that he doesn’t want anymore children. It’s all EXPECTATIONS.

    There was another person here on this blog a while back who expressed the same type of feelings. There isn’t much that can be said that will make a wife feel better when she is experiencing such things as you’ve mentioned. We could sit here and say what an awful, terrible, unjust, uncaring, unfeeling husband you have and bash him all day and night. What good would it do?

    You know your husband. You and he had problems before and you two divorced. You again remarried him. You said you looked for another husband before you remarried this one. You said your husband’s mother picked his other wife, whom they love. She gets preferential treatment from him and from his family.

    We know husbands will have a favorite wife. No one can change how a husband lives and what he does, especially how he feels in his heart. He is accountable for himself. A wife can only express her discontent and continue to live with him in matrimony in hope that he will change OR she could divorce.

    I say quite often that she could divorce to MAKE IT CLEAR that I don’t tell anyone that they must stay in a marriage in which they are unhappy. Some people out there with little understanding, somewhat clueless, have erroneously said I tell people to stay in marriages in which they are unhappy. Not everyone will get it.

    There is such a thing as a “Favorite Wife”. If a wife is the favorite, there will be conduct that reflects it, whether one or another of the wives like it or not.

    Expectations can make a wife very unhappy and miserable, if a wife focuses on who the husband favorite wife is. A Muslim/believer would only care that she is a favorite servant of Allah swt. It take time to get there in that thinking. As we’ve stated on this blog a number of times, there are stages that women in polygamous marriages go through. It’s a process. It takes time to get to a good place in a polygamous marriage. Insha Allah, it won’t take too much time, as time is fleeting and the end is coming…

  • anabellah

    January 3, 2016

    Jasmina,

    My thoughts are you don’t feel good in the marriage because your marriage doesn’t resemble a monogamous one. You feel similar to a prostitute as he seems to be a visitor at your home. Who can change how you feel? Can he?

    You could consult with him about it. Talk to him about it. Let him know how you feel and why based on what you’ve told us (his clothes aren’t in your home and nothing is there that leaves you to feel it is his home). Maybe he will find a way to have a good amount of clothes at both places or maybe he won’t. When it comes down to it, it is on you to know that you are a WIFE regardless of where his clothes and equipment etc are. It’s really on you to believe in your heart that you are a wife.

    Your husband can’t control how you feel and think. You have to work on yourself and it’s on him to work on himself. You could certainly speak with him about anything that concerns you, if it pleases Allah.

    If you have money, buy him some clothes and things and put them in the home, so they’d be there, if it would make you feel better. It, however, would probably just add to the problem, cuz then you may get angry and upset when he wears the stuff to his other wife’s home. You bought the stuff so you may think you have a say as to where he wears them. Sigh. His belongings are his belongings.

    The clothes and the equipment aren’t the real problem. It goes way deeper. You need to dig deep to find out what it is.

  • anabellah

    January 3, 2016

    Jasmina,

    There are certain changes wives go through when their husbands become polygamous. It’s all a process. It’s important that a wife realizes what is going on with her, and deals with it. A wife deals with it based on her knowledge. If she is Muslim/believer, the knowledge that she uses to figure what’s going on with her is knowledge from the Holy Quran.

    It’s good you REALIZE that you have issues with how you feel in the marriage. Having a clear idea of what is going on with you is a good start. You said you feel cheap, as though you’re a “jump off” or I’ll use your word, “hooker”. Is it simply because he has nothing at your home such as clothing or, you said, equipment?

    It all boils down to desires. I have spoken often on the blog about desires. We have expectations based on our desires. Desires lead people astray from the path of Allah. Desires make people unhappy. Desires are only good when they are desires such as, the desire to be patient; to be the best servant of Allah; to persevere; desire to love Allah; the desire to be kind and just etc. Those are good, praiseworthy desires.

  • anabellah

    January 3, 2016

    Jasmina,

    There probably are a number of variables that determines how the husband manages his personal belongings, such as his clothing when he is polygamous. If the husband is financially stable or should I say, “wealthy”, he could have clothes and all he needs of his personal belongings at both homes. He doesn’t have to worry about having a pair of underwear or a shirt etc here or there. He has them at all his wives homes. Maybe he takes what he needs to the home that he needs them in. For instance, if he’s going to take his one while out to dinner and his favorite suit is at the others, next time he’s at the others, he takes the suit with him when he leaves so he could have it for the dinner. Bottom line is, they are his belongings, so he should do with them what he likes. A wife normally wouldn’t have any control over what belongs to her husband.

  • Jasmina

    January 3, 2016

    Out of curiosity how do your husbands deal with his things, clothing etc. does he have two of everything and keep stock of all he needs in both homes, or does he keep all his things in the one home. It’s something that’s bothering me at the moment but I don’t know if I am overreacting. My husband has the oldest possible pjs at my home and an extra pair of shoes, that’s it. It bothers me and I ask him when he is moving in and he said that’s all the clothes he has… He never wears nice clothes at home but when coming from the other he has nicest clothes I’ve ever seen. He doesn’t have any of his equipment here. He always has to go there to get things he needs. It’s just another thing that adds to me feeling so cheap… My home feels like a b&b… I feel like a hooker… I feel cheap… And it’s all an ugly feeling. Not t just because of th clothes issue but everything else, the coming home late, never going out with me not even taking our son to park, the no more children policy, and soo much more. I don’t feel good as a married Muslimah.

  • asiya

    January 2, 2016

    I love the advice talyisman gave!!

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2016

    Okie Dokie all,

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to all you wonderful people

    We have our first new post/thread for 2016. It is:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/her-co-wife-is-pregnant/

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2016

    Gail,
    It’s good to hear that you, the Hubz and the kids had a wonderful time today. It was a nice way to spend the 1st day of the New Year. I’m getting ready to indulge myself with a chocolate brownie with nuts and Ice cream on the side. I said I’d have cake for Spirited birthday. I think the brownie is close enough LOL. Wishing you and yours a beautiful and productive New Year, as well. :-)

  • Gail

    January 1, 2016

    Just thought I would check in my husband took the children and I out today for New Years Lunch and shopping the kids had a blast and we went to Walmart after and bought the children a Chocolate cake and Icecream to Celebrate the New Year.It was a really nice Day!Hope everyone had a nice New Years! Wishing everyone a beautiful productive year ahead!

  • jasmina

    January 1, 2016

    Aisha…

    dont feel ashamed for returning home. it is what we do when we love our home. i sincerely hope inshallah that your husband becomes the man you deserve and it sounds like he has reflected on himself already.

    i agree with Ana… why should you give up any of your nights… maybe if you lived apart but you live under one roof… hello. i had a baby without my husband as we were separated at the time and raised him on my own for years. i will tell you she will be fine. those moments bonding with baby are special and she doesnt need husband around for that. it is only hard when baby wakes up frequebtly because you lose sleep but he could do night shift on her nights to give her a break if its an unsettled baby. i will tell you… the minute you give up your rights then it becomes an expectation of you and it is hard to break away from it.

  • jasmina

    January 1, 2016

    i will take that advice for myself. thanks Tasliyman very wise. it makes a huge difference o. quality of life by just thinking more positively.

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2016

    Aisha,

    Why do you say you will probably have to give up time when your co gives birth? You both live in the same house. If she needs something, you both are there to help her out. Why does he have to take your nights and sleep with her? He could leave your room and go to her, if she has a problem. He could then come back to you. Your time may get disrupted from time to time, but for him to have to leave your bed, and stay in hers all night??? Maybe I’m missing something…

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2016

    Aisha,

    I agree with Tasliyman that you shouldn’t expect the worse. If you expect the worse, you will probably get the worse. What does Allah say? We should always ask ourselves what Allah says in the Holy Quran that relates to what we are going through.

    Allah lets us know that He is to His servants what they perceive Him to be. If you think Allah doesn’t care anything about you, don’t want you to have any good and will give you the worse, then you deserve the worse. Why should He give you better? Allah wants the best for His BELIEVING servants. Where does Allah come into the picture when you expect the worse?

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2016

    Aisha, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Alhumdulliah that you and your hubz are back together and you are trying to make things work. It sounds that your co is trying to do right, but is having a very difficult time with everything on top of nearing time to give birth. Alhumdulliah that she is remorseful about how she was to you. May Allah forgive her.

    Aisha, my two cents is that if you are going to remain in the marriage you should stay, and try to make things work. It’s one thing to go home to mum, if you leave your husband with the intention of ending it. It’s another to leave anytime there is a problem or you’re not feeling good in your home. You apparently have decided to continue to be married and live with your husband and co in the same dwelling. With that being so, you need to try to help make it work. Leaving doesn’t do it. Stay there and suck it up.

    I would think that when she has the baby is when you, living in the same home, would help her out.I’m sure she is going to need it. You both are sisters in Faith. There must be a reason you’re all there in the same house, living together. I don’t think it was meant for you two to act as though you live apart. What purpose does it serve?

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2016

    Happy Birthday, SPIRITED!

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2016

    polygamy 411

  • Tasliyman

    January 1, 2016

    Aslm ladies

    @Aisha

    In reply to your post in the December discussion I just want to sincerely ask you so very very nicely not to “prepare for the worst”.

    That is something I’ve always done and it is just so unnecessary. I used to end up being sad and depressed as if the worst aleady happen. Most of the time it didn’t and I wasted precious time and energy being unhappy. If the worst actually happened I was even more depressed because I “knew” things would go wrong. It’s just not worth it.

    Hopefully you’re not as crazy as I am

    Rather expect the best. If things do go wrong you deal with it then and there instead of carrying the sadness and negativity around with you for far longer than is necessary.

    This is more of a reminder to myself as well. I don’t really feel comfortable giving advice to anyone as I have so much to learn myself but I do hope I can help in a small way.

    Alhamdulillah, you’ve found your way back to your husband (through the will of Allah of course). I hope thinhs work out for you.
    New year – new beginnings

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2016

    Yeah, Alison,

    You’re still number one! :-) Happy New Year!!!

    Happy New Year, ya all!!!

  • Alison

    December 31, 2015

    Asalam aleikum beautiful ladies another new year alhamdulilah hope all’s well
    Anna am the first ;) lol