Polygamy 411 July 2015 Discussions

polygamy 411 July 2015 discussionsWelcome to our polygamy 411 July 2015 discussions. Polygamy 411 blog and support group is for all who have a positive interest in polygamy. We invite all to join us to talk about the topic. Feel free to talk about how it relates to your life. Let us know what you know of polygamy and others.

Our blog is not about how well anyone writes. It is not about punctuation, spelling, grammar, correct or incorrect English, or any of those things. Writing skills do not matter to us. We urge all to express yourself in a way that is easy for you.  We allow our writers to use symbols, as well. We limit distasteful, raw, or disrespectful language.

When reading our polygamy 411 July 2015 discussions, please be mindful that we are diverse

When reading our polygamy 411 July 2015 discussions, please be mindful that people from all over the globe are with us at polygamy 411. For many who are here, English is not their first language. For those whom English is their second language and they write here, it is amazing. It is awesome. We only need to know how difficult it was, and is to learn our own language to know what it takes for people to learn a foreign one. I’m fascinated by the writers here.

I admire anyone who can speak or read a foreign language. I have hope that I will speak fluent Spanish one day before I leave the planet. Allah knows best if I will. It seems there isn’t enough time in the day to do all that I’d like to do. I’m grateful for what Allah has blessed me to do. I am thankful for this blog.

I am so delighted to have you all join our polygamy 411 July 2015 discussions

I am so delighted for you all to join our polygamy 411 July 2015 discussions. Barring a few exceptions, we welcome all on the planet to our home here. Please share with us as much as you would like to share. Share what you are comfortable with. We’d like to know your thoughts on what you read here, as well.

Please note, we do not accept anyone who is anti-polygamy. We will not allow anyone here to ask people to hate polygamy. This is not a blog for those who reject polygamy as a good way of life.

Most people feel uneasy when they write on a blog for the first time. I remember the first time I wrote on one.  It felt strange. I felt as though people knew who I was. Today, many people know who I am. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. In fact, there is a kind of freedom in being known. Let loose. Don’t worry so much about what others think. Be you. There is only one you.

For those who have missed reading any of our Polygamy 411 June 2015 discussions or would like to refresh their memory, the link to the thread is: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-June-2015-discussions/

With all of it said, loosen up. Relax and let’s chat…

polygamy 411 2015 discussions

polygamy 411 July 2015 discussions


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151 Comments

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2015

    This thread is now June 2015 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the July 2015 discussions and welcome in August 2015.

    July 2015 is now closed. Please join us at https://www.polygamy411.com/August-2015-discussions/

    July 2015 discussions

  • anabellah

    July 31, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    Thank you much for sharing how you’re coming along on your journey. I’m happy you are happy with your life and see polygamy and your husband from a new, improved perspective. It’s a beautiful thing.

    I’m sure a lot of people question the happiness and joy some women say they’re experiencing while living in a polygamous marriage. They question it, as it ain’t happening to them. It sucks to be them. Not everyone will get there. The ladies who do need to count their blessings.

  • Ruqayyah

    July 30, 2015

    @Gail, hopefully your surgery goes well and I’m hoping you and your family get to a better place and your relationship is a happy one again soon..

  • anabellah

    July 30, 2015

    @Gail,

    Stay strong lady. Everything is going to be okay. Did you watch the short Flicker video below? I sooooo love, love, love it. I’m grateful I stumbled upon it. Watch it again, if you haven’t already. https://www.polygamy411.com/july-2015-discussions/#comment-8634 You have to roll with the punches. Don’t let your marriage get you down. Analyze your life and see what you can do to move forward and get to a good place. You can’t do it looking backwards.

    @Ruqayyah,

    I’ll be back, Insha Allah, as soon as I can to read you. It’s good to hear from you.

  • anabellah

    July 30, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All,

    I’ve been sooooo extremely busy. I’ve got a number of projects going on, and trying to make sure I don’t neglect the hubz at the same time.

    Just want you to know I’m still here with you all. I get notifications by way of my cell phone. If anyone has anything to chat about, chat on. Insha Allah, I’ll try to get a new post up as soon as I can other than the August thread that will begin Saturday.

    I’m hopeful everyone is doing well. I know there is only so much we can talk about regarding polygamy. We’ve been talking here for 6 and 1/2 years now. There is much material to read on this site.

    Allah u Akbar for the site, the commentators and all the readers. You all are awesome

  • Ruqayyah

    July 30, 2015

    So I have a confession to make, I have been reading this blog for a while now and at times I used to laugh at those in polygamy thinking they were just comforting themselves when they said it made their marriage stronger, that they and their husbands were closer than before etc etc. Well, now I’m laughing at myself, you were all right all along. My willingness to accept my husband as he is for what he contributes to me without my forcing him, valuing his support and love for me without trying to measure that against what he is withholding from other women or denying himself it has all gone towards strengthening our relationship. He has asked me a few times why I’m being so nice to him lately, its made me sad because I never really understood how my anger towards polygamy made him feel I hated him
    It is definitely true that Allah knows best, He has decreed for polygamy to be acceptable and I have FINALLY accepted that. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad when I think of him with someone else, but I can remind myself that these feelings are temporary and my husband is still the same amazing husband he has always been, he has his faults but he’s learning the same as me.
    Sometimes when I hear sisters complain about their marital troubles I am so grateful for my own marriage, and when I found out he had a wife I was glad he showed her kindness and she was happy with him because he really is a good guy. No marriage is perfect but polygamy is a small price to pay in order to have my best friend by my side looking out for me and reminding me of Allah day in day out
    I remember a sister told me polygamy has made her heart soar with happiness and now I finally get what she meant, it’s not the fact that you’re sharing him that makes you happy (as I am no longer sharing him at all) but its more the fact that you see him for who he is, flaws and all, and you learn to find a way to truly appreciate him in a healthy and proper manner. And you wish for his success which is not that he has a perfect marriage but that he reaches heaven safely and securely.

  • Gail

    July 30, 2015

    Mari2,
    Thank u for your post to me.I am doing ok.I have to have surgery in the next few weeks.Well I call it surgery it is uterine ablation for heavy menstrual bleeding.I am doing ok hanging in there.

  • anabellah

    July 28, 2015

    I love the speech that the US President Barack Obama gave to the people in Kenya. It was powerful and excellente. Some of the so called Islamic countries could stand to take heed – get with the program.

  • anabellah

    July 28, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I just finished reading some ayat from Quran and came across the one I mentioned to you about seeking Allah’s protection before reading the Quran. It’s as follows:

    “When thou does read the Qur’an seek Allah’s protection from Satan the Rejected One.” Surah 16, ayah 98

    “No authority has he over those who believe and put their trust in their Lord.” Surah 16, ayah 99

    “His authority is over those only, who take him as patron and join partners with Allah” Surah 16, ayah 100

  • anabellah

    July 27, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I hope you had a marvelous, fantastically fun time in New York city over the weekend with your family. I don’t know how you couldn’t have :-) It’s so much fun hanging out in the city. Once upon a time I thought I’d like to live there. The more I went the more I knew visiting is wonderful, but living there really isn’t me.

    I’m with you about western clothes. I’m American and I dress the part – modestly, of course. I’m not going to put on someone else get up, just because. I know who I am. I was born and raised in the good ole US of A all my life. I don’t have to put on someone else clothes to be a Muslim.

    There was a sister-in-faith here on the blog from Egypt who said to us that a Muslim looked like her. She was all in burqa, face and everything covered all in black. She’s an American who married an Egyptian, and moved to Egypt. I was in a state of shock that she was that small minded to think that a Muslim had to be in burqa, covered from head to toe. All one needs to do is go to Hajj to see people dress according to what the dress is in their native land. I was so impressed by the Indonesians at Hajj because they had the coolest outfits on and you best believe it wasn’t black. It was colorful and pretty. They couldn’t lose one another as they could easily be identified by their clothing. Then there were those from African countries who had their African dress on. People dress according to the culture they are from. Of course going to Hajj, no one goes in Jeans and American attire such as it. Although one girl married to an Indian guy went with our group and came dressed in jeans, hair uncovered etc. She packed those clothes for Hajj as well. LOL At the airport they had to get her covered and they got together to give her an appropriate dress to wear till we got to Medina and Mecca. Really all one needs to wear could be purchased there. If I were to go again, I’d just buy a suitcase and the hijab attire I need when I get there. The clothes are very lightweight and inexpensive. Those are just my two cents about the matter.

  • Mari2

    July 27, 2015

    @lee*
    I know that you must be having a most difficult time. Ana is right about pakistani men and their culture. Specifically those pakistani men who grew up in Pakistan rather than another country. With M I do my best to understand his culture but I will do my best not to live his culture here in the US. Sure I have the cousin marriage to contend with though polygamy is NOT well thought of in his country. I am more accepting of polygamy than his mom or other family members. It’s the other things I say no to…as a muslim I will dress modestly but I will not wear chador and cover my face in public. I will not sit around the house and wait until he feels like accompanying me somewhere I want or need to go. I do not need his permission to leave the home. I will not spend my days wearing shalwar rather than western clothing. Stuff like that which I would have to do in Pakistan and what he plans on requiring of 2 when she comes here.

  • Mari2

    July 27, 2015

    @Gail
    I am sorry to hear about the state of your marriage. You are a strong person and I think you are correct in wanting to focus on your health and well being now. If the relationship between you and your husband is having a negative effect upon you perhaps a time out is what is needed at this time. It could give you both a fresh perspective on things.
    You said he already has another? Wow. Will his parents be his and her responsibility now? Keep your head up and invest in yourself. I will pray for positive things to come your way.

  • anabellah

    July 27, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to All,

    I’m assuming everyone is well. Alhumdulliah. I’ve come across a video that I will share with you. I like the video, as I think it is very beautiful and has wonderful words of wisdom. Have a good day, all :-)

  • anabellah

    July 27, 2015

    @Lee*, You seem to be a very bright, intelligent, and amazingly strong woman. I have no doubt that you’ll move on and establish a more stable life with another man who will be willing to marry you and shout it to the world that you are his wife, someone who will love you and your son and have no need to hide and lie to you. No union is perfect. Everyone has their baggage. We have to do the best we can with what life presents us with. See it as a new beginning for you and try to make the best of it :-) I wish only the best for you…

  • Lee*

    July 26, 2015

    This will be a huge challenge for me. I will try my hardest not to compare future men to him, though that will be hard because the way he spoke to me was so great, he made me feel like a queen. I know after marriage he would be able to practice more control over me, but during our relationship I never felt controlled. He would tell me some things he didn’t like, but I only followed what I wanted out of respect.

    I have one child from a previous relationship. He has met him, although my son thought of him only as a friend and not my boyfriend. My son absolutely loves him, and looked up to him. Somehow, I have to separate that bond. This is why I was more willing to give up my hopes of more children. He had planned to help me raise my son and I would help him raise his 2 boys here, they were to be brothers since they are close in age.

    I know one day I will see the light. I’m trying to get over the lies I was told, for this is the only way to move on and forgive.

  • anabellah

    July 26, 2015

    Lee*,

    I know you are very sad now and it will take a while for you to get glad. You have sooooo much to be thankful to your Creator for right now. It has to be a blessing that you will be out of the relationship you’re now in. Based on what you’ve said, I see no benefit for you in being in staying in a relationship with him. I see no benefit of any foreigner being in a relationship with a Pakistani male. From what I’ve learned, they are STEEP in culture.

    Unless a foreign woman wants to be rules and controlled by a man, she best not get involved with a Pakistani man. Yes, he may be handsome, charming, suave and all that, but it’s not worth the headache and heartache to be with him. I can’t see a foreign MUSLIM woman getting involved with a Pakistani male, either, due to the cultural differences. Islam should bring people together, but from what I’ve learn of Pakistanis, their culture supersedes any Islam. They are about family and wealth.

    I’d suggest you NOT reminisce about all the good times you had with him, as it would only prevent you from moving on in life with someone else. Whoever you meet in the future, try very, very hard not to compare him with the man that you are in love with now. The future man may not have some of the qualities that you liked in the man you love now. You may however be in a position to live a much happier and better life with the future male.

    You sound to be quite young and it would be nice for you to have children, as you do want them. It’s a blessing to know you don’t have to forgo having children or be with a man who didn’t really want any and you did and had them by him. Try to not be jaded and move forward in a positive frame of mind.

    Count your blessings, Lee. There are some women who would love to get out of their marriages, but they feel stuck in it. They may feel stuck due to finances or age or children or they’re unattractive and think there is no one else out there for them etc. You don’t want to have to feel stuck in a marriage that is not good. Having the freedom to walk (walk away from a relationship) is a beautiful thing. Freedom is liberating… Keep it moving in a positive direction.

  • Lee*

    July 26, 2015

    He has decided to end our relationship for us. He said that its better to have a broken heart now than broken lives later. He said that our cultures are too different and I will never be able to adjust.

    I guess I have to accept this but I am so broken, I have lost the love of my life. Even though I see the truth in his words, I wish I would have known all of this before, before I was in love, before we made plans for our future, before I could only picture my life with him.

    This is better I suppose because I do want children, he did at the beginning of this relationship, but that changed at some point for some reason, he says he’s too old now. He is quite a bit older than I am. And I don’t want to live as a secret. His mother and siblings are here in the states so they would know, but I think when his dad found out it would be a huge fight. I don’t know… I guess I got myself in too deep.

    I appreciate your kind words and honest advice.

  • anabellah

    July 26, 2015

    @Lee*,

    Don’t go for being a “Secret Wife”. If he can’t handle being upfront with the wife and his family now, it could be a long, drawn out struggle for you to get him to ever do it.

    If you’re considering staying with the man, the least he could do is reveal his love for you to them and that you will be a part of his and their lives. He owes you that much.

    Imagine what it would be like constantly trying to convince him to let them know about you. It’s not something a wife should have to do. Meanwhile precious moments of your life is passing by. Next thing you’ll know is you’re stuck with him. Your youth has passed you by. Who wants that???

    Polygamy is a means to not have men behave as thought they are having affairs. What he is doing defeats the purpose of polygamy. If he can’t man up and openly have more than one wife (letting his other wife and the families know) then he shouldn’t be with you. period, exclamation point, end of story.

  • anabellah

    July 26, 2015

    WOW, Lee. He doesn’t want anymore children? Where does it leave you with him? My husband and I never wanted any children, which is one reason I think we are a good fit. Every now and again I check with him to make sure he’s still not feeling any children and he says DEFINITELY NOT. As long as I’m getting a menses, I know a possibility exists, which is why I still take Birth Control pills. :-)

    If you would like to have children, he apparently is not the man for you unless you intend to sacrifice and do without for love of him or intend to marry him and get pregnant whether he likes it or not. I dunno???

    If his US wife and he are going through a divorce through the courts, it means to me (as an outsider looking in) that he intends to wed his Pakistani wife legally, if he isn’t already married legally to her, and bring her to the States. He intends to give her the royal treatment as a wife. If Gail was here, I’m sure she’d confirm my suspicions.

    Pakistan people like to keep all their monies in the family. It’s one reason they marry cousins. I’ve never heard of so many cousin marriages in my natural born days. It’s peculiar to me. If someone had said I had to marry my 1st cousin Vomiting Girl Need I say more. The thought of it makes me want to vomit.

    All I can say is if you fall for what he is dishing out to you and go with it, you’re on way way up a creek without a paddle. It’s either sink or swim. Sigh Keep us posted…

  • Lee*

    July 26, 2015

    So far his family knows of his “mistress” because his soon to be US ex wife found out, but they do not know of me as a woman or our relationship. He says the time is not right to fight that fight. He has discussed the possibility of having a “white wife” with his mother, and supposedly that conversation went well. His soon to be ex and current wife know of each other. But so far, after a year and a half, I am still a secret.

    I have many more questions to ask him about of all this. I don’t know if he and his wife have a legal marriage in Pakistan, but I do know his US wife and he are going through the courts for the divorce, and he didn’t have a prenup. I do know I want our union to be legal.

    He is definitely a Pakistani man, his mom runs the show. He doesn’t want to do anything to dishonor her, and I love that fact, at least until it comes to me. I don’t want to be a secret, and have let that be known, which is why he asked her about the possibility, without specifics.

    Strong family ties are important to me as well. I think that is one of the most appealing aspects of this. That, and the fact that I know I would be loved and well cared for, at least while he’s with me…

    I’m don’t think I would be fulfilled, and I know that’s selfish. But I will always be the outsider. Which I was going to embrace before all of this, because I believed in our love. Now though, I am the outsider, and the only wife that hasn’t bared his children, he doesn’t want anymore.

  • anabellah

    July 26, 2015

    @Lee*,

    You would not be going against God’s plan, if you walk away. If you walk away it would be God’s plan. If you stay, it would be His plan, as well. I know it’s complicated. Many Muslims don’t understand, either. I agree with you that God brought you and him together for a reason. What that reason is, only God knows. I could understand how you wouldn’t want to continue to live with him as his mistress. I don’t know any woman any where who enjoys living that way. Women who are married to married men with contracts still feel as though they are mistresses.

    Pakistani culture is strange to us – Americans. It seems to be the norm that the men leave to go to foreign land to earn a living and the wives just wait back in Pakistan, content for the monies that come their way Money Pile The concept of love as we know it is not the same there. Your husband is caught up in cultural differences. He’s doing what he is supposed to from a Pakistani perspective; although he wants to live the love of his heart with you. As a man. I wouldn’t want to be him. He has to be so conflicted.

    Does he intent to tell his wife about you? If he won’t tell her and his family about you, it says a lot about where you stand as well. If Gail was here with us, she would tell you that his family and his wife would put pressure of him to leave you. Is he married legally to her in Pakistan? If he is and you live in the United States, he wouldn’t be able to marry you legally. I don’t know if you’d be willing to settle for a contractual marriage that is not enforceable in the courts. You may have his heart, but he’s being controlled by his parents and blood ties there in Pakistan. You may know the saying, “Blood is thicker than water.”

  • Lee*

    July 26, 2015

    My heart goes out to his wife in Pakistan, I don’t fully know what her living situation is since I just learned of her, but she has raised 2 children alone with minimal visits from her husband, but exceptional financial support. Especially since he is in a different country living with another wife and their 2 children. I don’t know how someone could be that strong.

    I called our relationship a fairy tale when in reality it isn’t. We have had many trials already and I was always proud of how we came out stronger as a couple. Even this makes me feel shame though. I am this man’s mistress, and I never thought I would be that low. He has always assures me that we were brought together for a reason, that he’s never been loved so much. Though this does not make our actions OK. We will both have to answer for them.

    I fear that I will always think of myself as the mistress even if we wed, because he already has a wife. I know Allah allows this relationship structure and so I should be accepting as well, its just hard to wrap my mind around.

    I could not lay with him after he had laid with her. I feel a resentment towards him already. I want to hate him so badly, but something isn’t allowing me to.

    So I have eliminated your option of continuing to be his mistress. And feel like the remaining choice would be much more clear if I were Muslim, so my understanding would be higher. But I am not to the point of converting.

    I suppose with all of my reservations my choice is clear, I should walk away and pray that I will not be punished for going against His plan.

  • anabellah

    July 25, 2015

    @Lee*

    I totally understand all that you have said. I think it was good of him to let you know that he would honor his duty to his wife and have sexual relations with her as he is supposed to do as a husband. She is his wife and she is entitled to it. It appears she has already sacrificed much by not seeing him as often as a husband and a wife usually does.

    I think you are doing good in that you won’t just accept Islam so you could be with him, with no intentions of living Islam and no real belief in what the religion is about.

    You need to consider that every marriage changes once the marriage moves from dating or intended to marriage. It’s a whole different animal. The romance and fairy-tale setting moves to the real thing. There are problems in all marriages and being in a polygamous one has problems compounded.

    I think it so romantic and beautiful in the beginning to get the couples to move to the next step, which is marriage. So, with it said you best believe that you will have issues with him when he leaves you to go be with her, knowing he intends to have sexual relations with her. Even if he take you to Pakistan and you remain in a hotel while he goes to visit her. You know you will feel something when he returns to you after having laid with her. You’re about to embark on an earthly Hell, if you remain with this man.

    I don’t know if you’ve been reading any of “Gail’s” posts here. She is no longer in a polygamous marriage with her husband, but the culture and his previous marriage to his cousin in Pakistan has taken a huge toll on her. It is now just she and her husband. Here is a link to one of her posts from a few days or so ago:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/july-2015-discussions/#comment-8570

    You better think long and hard about what you’re about to possibly get yourself into. There is not that much love in the world to endure what you may have in store for yourself. Whatever love you have for this man now is sure to turn to something near hate unless you’ve got something stronger than love to bond you together such a you both being Muslim/Believers who are together to worship and serve Allah and have hope and prayers to enter jannah/Paradise. At least you would need it for you. You would have to have the belief to maintain your sanity.

    The only people I know who are holding on and making it through with peace, tranquility and contentment are Muslim/believers who has made life about Allah or are trying to…

  • Lee*

    July 25, 2015

    Thank you for the reply. I do love this man very much and no, I am not Muslim. This lifestyle is all new to me since I have met him. I have been researching his culture and religion, in attempt to understand and accept his culture. He is very strong in his faith, aside from having a mistress (me). Therefore we have boundaries, things that are not allowed before marriage, ie fornication. I have always respected his self control.

    I am just not sure I can get over the lies and deceit. He said its no big deal, and I have told him that I understand that it isn’t in his culture, but it is to me. I don’t think I’m a strong enough woman to be able to share my husband.

    He says I would have him 90% of the time, and he loves me more, I mean more than any of the wives he’s had. Although, when he travels to Pakistan to see her he would either not take me along or would leave me in a hotel while he is with her.

    I have explained to him that I would be accepting of a polygamous marriage as long as he only provided financial support for his Pakistani wife and children, meaning no physical relations. He said he will not do that to her.

    I am so confused. I thought I was living a real life fairy tale, I had finally found my Prince Charming, but now I am devastated.

    I won’t convert for convenience, he is not pressuring me to convert at all. I have been learning it and exploring if it is right for me.

    So I am stuck choosing between the love of my life who has treated me with such love, but has this double life and lied to my face, and a life without him, possibly a lifetime alone, but with my beliefs intact.

  • anabellah

    July 25, 2015

    @Lee* Welcome.

    It is unfortunate that we had to meet under such circumstances. You sound to be a very nice person. I know your heart is breaking, and I feel for you.

    You have to let this thing play out for you. Regardless of what anyone suggests to you, you are going to do what you’re inspired to do – eventually. You and no one else know what it is right now.

    You know the options. A. Stay in the relationship with him (unmarried) and tolerate that he has another wife, and does with her what married people do or B. marry him and live in a polygamous marriage or C. leave him and start a new life without him.

    I say leave him and start a new life without him. He has come clean with you and said, yes, he has a wife already, has children with her, plans to remain married to her, and will sleep with her (have sex). At least he is honest at this point; although you would have liked that he gave you the truth sooner than later.

    I assume you are not Muslim, so I can see no benefit in you living a polygamous lifestyle with him unless you are concerned about fornicating, don’t want to do it and will consider becoming Muslim. Otherwise, you should consider ending the relationship. Perhaps you’ve been fornicating with him all along and will continue to fornicate with or without him . I don’t know and there is no need for you to tell us about it here on this blog.

    If you have no intention of accepting Islam and marrying him, then you either continue to see him as his mistress in an affair because you love him or you walk away. I don’t encourage anyone to fornicate, so I say, marry him and live a polygamous marriage or walk away.

    You have to see what works best for you – what you’re inspired to do. There is no compulsion in religion. You’re not Muslim. You have to find a solution.

    What have you been thinking of doing?

  • Lee*

    July 25, 2015

    I really need some advice/help. I have been involved with a Pakistani man for about a year and a half. This man means the world to me, he’s my rock. He was married to a Pakistani woman when we first met, but the relationship was not good. They are now going through a divorce. Overtime we have grown closer and much more serious. He professes his love for me and wants to get married, he tells me all the time. I have questioned him about polygamy and whether he had anymore wives or if he would take another even if we were married, his answer was always no. Yesterday he confessed that he does have another wife and 2 more children in Pakistan. He goes there every few years to visit and admits to having sex with her. Problem is, is that I have told him from the beginning that I want strict monogamy (I’m not bashing polygamy, its not not how I envisioned my life). This is all new to me and I feel crushed and betrayed. He told me if we marry he will continue to go see her and will sleep with her. This hurts me so deeply. I don’t know what to do. I have invested so much into this relationship, and I feel as if my world is crumbling. Where do I go from here?

  • anabellah

    July 23, 2015

    @Zahrah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m sorry to hear you are so sad. I know how heartbreaking it must be for you to want to conceive a child by your husband, but can’t right now. He gets married to another and has a child by her right away. That hurts.

    I think you should look at it as a test from Allah. Don’t think that it’s all over for you. It doesn’t have to be. There is still a chance Allah swt will give you a child. One thing for sure is that if you doubt He will, He very well may not. Allah is to His servants what they perceive Him to be. Allah wants us to believe in Him that He has all the power to do any and all things. You have to stay optimistic and believe that you are capable of bearing a child and Allah will give you one, if He has written it for you.

    You should remember the stories in the Quran about the wives who thought they were barren. It was Prophet Abraham’s wife and Zakariyah’s wives. They were very old. They thought they couldn’t have children, but Allah blessed them with children in their old age. It could happen to you and you don’t have to be old.

    A few weeks ago, I was in a convenience store that I frequent. A Muslim on the register was telling me that his mom thought she couldn’t have any children and then low and behold when she was 57 years old, not thinking of having a child, his mom had him. I share this with you to let you know it’s not over till it’s over.

    It is a good opportunity for you to work on you. You don’t want to be jealous or envious of your husband’s other wife. It would only continue to make you sad. Try to think good things about her, your husband and the child. Work on getting closer to Allah, so you will be happier. Allah may want you to see where you need work on you. When your husband sees you trying to serve Allah and that you don’t want to hold any animosity, it could cause your husband to love you more. When we love Allah more than anything else, He turns His creation towards us. He could make your husband love you more, but you’ve got to love Allah first and foremost.

    Use this time, while you don’t have any children, to have more fun with your husband. Plan some outings. Go to the movies. Go to dinner. Spend some alone time and cuddled up with your husband. Enjoy him. Take this time to build wonderful memories with him. Relax and chill out. I believe it that people who try very hard to have children and are stressed out about it, find it difficult to conceive. You’ve got to loosen up and free your mind of what you desire other than to be a good servant of Allah.

  • Zahrah

    July 23, 2015

    As salaamu alaykum,

    For past few weeks I have been trying to shake this sadness that I have been feeling. I love my husband dearly I consider him to my best friend. My husband and I have been trying to have children for over a year with no success. I did have one miscarriage early on but I haven’t been pregnant since. My husband very recently took a second wife (a new Muslim) that is 10 years younger than I and she’s pregnant already. I have been making dua every time I feel this sadness coming on. I just feel crushed emotionally. Is there any advice that I can get from my Muslim sisters?

  • anabellah

    July 23, 2015

    The other day I published an article from the BBC about the oldest Koran that was found in Birmingham. I had only given the link to the article. I have since updated the post and added content. The link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/world-oldest-Quran-found/

  • anabellah

    July 22, 2015

    @Gail,

    If you’re swimming a couple hours a day, you should begin to see some weight loss results sooner than later. It takes time to see results. You have to be consistent. It took time for the weight to pile on. It will take time for it to melt off, as well. Keep at it. Stay active, God willing.

    I agree with you that a person’s psychological state effects a person’s health. I have no doubt about it. It’s why you’ve got to find a way to begin to live without concerning yourself with the way your husband is, your in-laws and the Pakistani culture. You can’t change any of it.

    You have to deal with what you can make a difference in, which is only yourself and the life of your children. Ultimately all that will happen will be decided by Allah. You believe differently, so you’ve got to do you. Dealing with those people will only drive you insane, if you don’t get a handle on the situation.

    I suggest you leave the thoughts of your former boyfriend in the past. You need to let it go. It was the past. We cannot relive the past. It’s over, so you need to move forward.

    If you try to rekindle what you had with him, it is certain not to work. What you had with him yesterday (years ago) was for that time and that time only. You’ve got to keep it moving a head.

    Reminiscing about what was and thinking about what could be with him, won’t help your mental state. It will bring no good. It makes no sense to hold onto the past with regrets. You can’t turn back the hands of time…

  • anabellah

    July 22, 2015

    @Gail,

    I think your husband is EXTREMELY unhappy with himself more than with life. He knows you are not happy, therefore, it alone makes him not happy.

    He should feel badly about how he has treated his cousin/ex-wife. I don’t know whether he does or not. It is so wrong of him to keep her from speaking with the children.

    He should feel badly about himself not having a life other than what his parents have dictated for him. What is there for him to feel good about? You know it can’t all be about you as you said he’s indifferent to the children, as well.

    It’s weird that he says he is Muslim and has no care about possibly going to the Hell Fire. In fact, he says he is going there. What does he have to live for?

    I could imagine how upsetting it must be to have him there, and not be attentive to you. You’d be better off alone than having someone in your midst that treats you as he does.

    I suggest that you try leaving his bed. Go stay in your daughter’s room or some other room for a while. It may move him to try to communicate with you. It should hurt his ego for you to go sleep else where. It’s worth a try…

  • anabellah

    July 22, 2015

    @Gail,

    I hear you about wanting 100% of your husband’s income, but I don’t see how it would happen. Even if you and your husband divorced, no Judge would give you 100% and give him zilch, zero, nada, nothing. Regardless of how wrong a Judge finds a man is, he still leaves the man with something to live on, even if it’s a miniscule amount. The court system is about justice.

    I understand how you wouldn’t share your wealth with a co and you believe you should have everything. You are not Muslim. Many Muslims feel as you do, as well. A Muslim/Believer tries to obey Allah and live Islam. Therefore the Believer would spend her wealth as Allah instructs a Muslim to do. Many Muslims call themselves believers, but they are not. They think just because they don’t fornicate, smoke a cigarette or drink a glass of wine and believe in the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) it’s all Islam is about. How mistaken they are.

    Allah tells a Muslim how to spend his/her wealth. It’s for other people other than a husband, wife and kids. Others have a right to the wealth. Wealth should always be circulating. Satan causes Muslims to fear poverty. Allah promises the believer prosperity. If a person is fearful of not having enough, the person lacks belief. The person lacks faith in Allah. When the person lacks faith in Allah, oh well – the person shouldn’t expect much good. A Believer is one who believes ALL that Allah says in the Holy Quran. Allah protects, guide, help and loves the Believer and much more.

    Of course, I wouldn’t expect you to believe it Gail. If you did, you’d be Muslim. I’m not one to try to convince anyone to believe as I do. I just put the information out there and who ever gets it, gets it.

  • Gail

    July 22, 2015

    Ana,
    I read what u wrote and I know this is not religiously correct but believe me if any woman wanted my husband she is welcome to him as long as I get 100% of his income for my kids.I don’t know how woman in polygamous marriages deal splitting the money I admit I see it like the money is the kids and I am not giving up one penny for him to go hang/marry with another woman on my and the kids dime.
    I am fine with the fact like in my situation where 2 wives have kids together and money is all in one spot but I would never be ok with splitting the money into 2 separate houses.If a person was rich enough that would be fine but most people r not and money is a huge issue and the kids future.I am not for splitting the finances.Now in saying that my excowife complained that she was tired of living without money all the time and she wanted all the money in her hands needless to say when she started talking that nonsense she got talk to the hand from me.

  • Gail

    July 22, 2015

    Ana,
    I am really trying hard not to fall into a depression.My marriage is over is all I know.I will stay married but only for the sake of children.He wants divorce and I also want but I will not let him financially run away.I honestly can say I can’t stand him and his culture.He has belittled me and ripped me apart because I stood up and said I will not marry the kids with his brothers kids and he blasted me and I mean talked to me like I was less than a dog.He also flat told me he don’t care about me or what I want.His ugliness just came shining though and I se it he treats everone else so nice and wonderful but me and the kids he treats like crap.He ignores the kids and me and has for yrs and I see now how his lack of attention towards me has lead to my health issues.Did he cause me to get cancer I would have to say yes from his lack of attention towards me when I was deathly ill in Pakistan fighting a double lung infection coughing up blood and having a intestinal infection as well and him not be attentive to me that time and letting me lay on the bed and suffer for 3 months with both infections and me dragging my @$$ out of bed up the stairs not being able to barely breath coughing up blood(yes coughing up blood just to get sunlight in hopes it might help me get well but instead my immune system was so down instead of the sun helping me I got skin cancer.I am just so over it and I am done trying with him.We bought a really nice 3 bedroom 2 bath mobile home and I and the kids will be moving back to the property and living in that.I am in hopes he will go to Pakistan this winter or I will bunk with my daughter i have zero intentions of being near him anymore.I don’t even feel bitter I just feel as though i am done for now dealing with him.I am focusing on my health because I know now that i have to stay healthy for my little son.I know if I die before he is grown his father will marry him off in his family to a his brother daughter and I nor my son want this crap.This is the reality of Pakistani men and their gross family structure and how American culture does not jive with all this nonsense.I am swimming several times a week 2 hours a swim and working on my truck as much as i can(alot of rain these days) My cancer doctor has told me to get uterine ablation done to stop my bleeding but i bought natural progesterone and although it is helping I still have slight peachy spotting so considering my marriage is not really a marriage that I can depend on I have decided I will get the uterine ablation surgery and just be done with it in hopes I will stop bleeding and be able to concentrate on loosing weight and hanging out with my kids.I have also been thinking seriously to go back to school for dermatology.I want to get into skin care and laser therapy totally in love with that.I will still invest in real estate as well.I will say though I feel honestly like I did wrong to let my first love go.He has moved on now with another lady and I don’t want to disturb him.He did reach out to me a month ago but I think she saw him add me on his friends list and he has not come back online since .I have his phone number but I think it is best to just leave it alone for now and just focus on me and keep him as a friend.I don’t think the girl is right for him as I am noticing she is very clingy and obviously if he is contacting me he is having second thoughts but I have enough sense to know timing is everything and right now is not the right time.

  • anabellah

    July 22, 2015

    I hear you, Ruqayyah. Who wants someone no one else wants? When someone else wants a woman’s husband, the woman sees just how valuable her husband is
    LOL Face then the wife gives the newcomer a run for her money. The dynamics to a polygamous marriage are incredible.

  • Ruqayyah

    July 22, 2015

    I agree with you Ana, that distance helps and sometimes having another wife truly helps the man realise how good he has it.
    My husbands other wife was apparently not very homely, she didn’t like being a wife 24/7 and had her own life without him. Whereas I am very much the kind to enjoy cooking and cleaning each day for no other reason then I enjoy it.. I have my own life but my marriage and home are a priority for me. Both of us are good women (or so I believe) but having her made my husband appreciate what I do for him moreso. His other wife helped him realise that both by her actions and her words. I do not believe a woman like that is a bad wife though, she was stronger than me in putting him first, I have always been very selfish in that way. I am trying to get that sometimes he can’t put me first but I always get a bit nasty to begin with whereas she always took things in her stride, if she asked and he couldn’t do it she would be upset but would not fight with him. If I ask I don’t even want to hear he can’t do it, I just get mad. May Allah make me better in that regard :)

    My point was I truly get how polygamy can make a marriage stronger, both spouses can see each other in a new light and learn to really appreciate one another. Sometimes you take a lot of things for granted until someone else is appreciating them lol

  • anabellah

    July 22, 2015

    @Kate, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Well, so much for sleep for me. It didn’t happen yet and it after 3:00 a.m. where I am. I may as well stay up for Fajr prayer and Quran reading now in about 1/2 hour. Anyhow, while I’m wide awake, I will share some of my thoughts with you. I’m thankful to Allah that Ruqayyah came forward and spoke with you. It is good for people to hear from people other than me all the time. Sometime I wonder why people don’t come forward and speak. Then I say, it’s alhumdulliah. No one can do anything other than what Allah has decreed for them to do. He has some of us here speaking.

    I’ve come to realize that when a husband marries another, making his marriage polygamous, the first wife immediately blames herself. Those closest to her blame her, as well. In every marriage, the spouses have issues, even not having issues is having issues because if they had no issues, they hadn’t been really living in the marriage, but just going through motions.

    Any way you look at it, the wife begins to take a close look at herself and her marriage after her husband takes on another wife. She looks at herself and her life through what seems to be a microscope. She begins to see all that she thinks was wrong with herself and her marriage and she blames it for causing her husband to get another wife. It is detrimental bcuz the wife begins to demean herself and think she is a worthless, loser. It all wrong for her to think that way. Shatan has her thinking it. She listens to Satan.

    Now, all is not lost when she take a close look at herself and her marriage bcuz she probably needed the other marriage to take place so that she could see where she needed work on herself, so she could become a better servant to Allah. Something such as polygamy will turn some Muslims closer to Him – the women who Allah wants to be believers. When she turns to Allah for help and guidance and worship Him properly, He begins to purify her soul and so many good things begin to happen for her.

    What you have to do is know and believe that whatever was happening between you and your husband had nothing to do with him getting another wife. It had everything to do with Allah planning it and He carried it out. He brought it to fruition. He decided everything for us.

    A sister-in-faith (I can’t remember her name) wrote a book that I only read the excerpt from. I didn’t buy the book because she approached her story and all about polygamy from a negative perspective. I don’t even remember the name of the book. She spoke about all the good qualities that she had and how her marriage was so blissful, which is why she couldn’t understand why he needed another wife. I liked reading that part bcuz it just let me know that nothing has to be wrong with the woman for her husband to want another wife. Many times, the husband doesn’t know that Allah decreed it, so he starts finding reasons to give for why he had to do it. The easiest way to do it is to blame the first wife.

    I say all of it to let you know that your husband marrying another woman was NOT your fault. The sooner you stop blaming yourself and accept the truth, the sooner you will begin to be your happy-go-Kate self again. It’s possible for you to find yourself happier than you have ever been in life. Your marriage will be the best it’s ever been. It’s a new beginning for you and you need to approach it that way. You said your husband is beginning to work with you on your marriage. It’s most likely because he may see you in a totally new light. As Ruqayyah said, he got to distance himself from you, and was able to miss you. He got a chance to see you from a different perspective and to appreciate you.

    The best advice I could give you is to try to get your life right with Allah. Don’t do what many do and begin to cater to your husband, bend over backwards, go thought hoops for him, and kiss his rear end, or he will flee from you. Try to be the best servant to Allah and make life about Allah. Allah turns His creation towards the person who turns to Him. He turns his creation away from the person who chases created things. It all works in the opposite…

  • anabellah

    July 22, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone :-)

    Below is an article that I think some of you may find very interesting. I did.

    https://www.polygamy411.com/world-oldest-koran-found/

    and a new post:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/five-polygamy-related-problems/

  • Ruqayyah

    July 22, 2015

    Wa alaikumsalam Kate Im glad it helped you somewhat, most here are so supportive although you’ll find sometimes the truth hurts it comes back later on and helps you grow :-)
    keep on coming back as you need inshaAllah.
    Each woman is different for me it helped to know about her and each time he says something nice about her I like her more BUT it may be because I’m not dealing with her asnsheas she left, he said she was similar to me in that she wanted to know about me and my life with him. She wanted to meet me also even though it didn’t happen we both felt the need to know about the other in order to deal better. And once he started telling me how nice she was I feel I really would have liked her, but Allah knows best
    Other wives dont want to even hear their co wives names they’d rather live out of sight out of mind and just keep on moving pretending their husbamdhusband is at work every other day.
    What is your situation like? Have you met your co wife? Do you have any kids? Does she? If you dont want ti answer anything its fine but sometimes it helps to talk it all out

  • anabellah

    July 22, 2015

    @Kate,

    I didn’t forget about you. I like what Sis Ruqayyah said to you. I suggest you read it over a number of times cuz it should help you a lot. She knows her stuff. Ruqayyah, the same as all here have been through a lot and are getting better and better by the day with the help and permission of Allah. You’re at an all time low right now, but things could turn around for you and you’ll do a 360.

    I have more to say to you. Insha Allah, I will get back with you later in the day. I need to get some shut eye, Insha Allah.Sleepy GoodNight

  • anabellah

    July 22, 2015

    Oh, Gail,

    Your post is sooooo sad. You have to pull yourself up out of the negativity and sadness. Try not to think about your husband and how life is right now with him. You’ve got to get yourself to a better place. Could you take a holiday, with or without the children – whatever works best for you. I’d suggest the beach, but the way things are going now a day – with the sharks, you may want to stay away from the beach.

    Gail, what is so sad is no one had been warning or notifying people how mixing up with someone of another culture could be such hard work. I mean, marriage is difficult enough to deal with let alone adding cultural differences to it.

    You said what is happening is effecting your health. You have to take care of you. Don’t dwell on your marriage and the negative aspects of it. Just think about staying healthy. When you take your mind off him and your marriage, God willing, you’ll begin to feel better. Get some fresh air. Take some walks with the children or go biking or something. Don’t wallow in sadness. Don’t let yourself stay depressed. You’ve got to stay strong….

  • Gail

    July 22, 2015

    Mari2,

    I am right there with u girl.I totally understand where u r coming from.My husband and all we do is fight anymore.My health has taken a huge hit simply because I am so insanely miserable most of the time in this relationship.I get where u say u don’t make your husband your main focus anymore because I am going through the same exact thing.I was 32 when we married and I am now 44 and I still can’t get past the family and culture etc… more and more I just want peace in my life and believe me when i say it is like beating a dead horse to get my husband to change.I honestly live like a single woman and I so much miss the having a man next to me every night chatting and just being nice with me in general.I honestly am to the point i feel sorry for myself because I have given it my entire all but I got nothing but crap in return.I am screwing up every single thing in my life I also feel.I can’t even freaking loose weight and keep it off.I feel like a complete looser because of this crazy marriage.I honestly feel like in my case I made the wrong choice to keep the marriage when I had my first love begging me to marry him when I have a man here that couldn’t give two $hits about me.

  • Kate

    July 21, 2015

    @ ruqayyah Thankyou so so much I was almost in tears after reading that it has been a huge battle for me, I have only known her for 5 months, and me and my husband have only been trying at the start of mid June the whole time I was to unstable until now I feel like I don’t want to be miserable anynore and I want to take action, i wasn’t going to write to anyone or ask for help about this but I believe Allah wanted me to and it was perfect Thankyou, Its like a emotional roller coaster and I asked the forbidden stuff too lol, i got to the point t kind of became a habit I would constantly put my self down and believe I wasn’t anything special I was a negative head lol , i feel like now I’m building a new life but it scares me a bit but inshaAllah I will make it through and I will Deffinantly try out what you said , I’m so desperate I needed a change of view to everything, I’m sorry to hear about that happening to you I could imagine how hard it would be because I know when I first found out I wanted to know everything I wanted to know what was it that was so much more special of her than me but I think it’s better when we don’t know because for a fact one thing leads to another if you get to know the other wife in a negative mind frame the Shaytan traps you and you start to make it Into a unhealthy habit and almost obssessive one, us women are so funny imagine if men did what we do how upside down the world would be lol, I hope everything works out for you too Thankyou ruqayyah Salamu alaykum

  • Ruqayyah

    July 21, 2015

    Sorry Kate I don’t know where I got the name Karen from

  • Ruqayyah

    July 21, 2015

    Wa alaikumsalam Karen. You don’t say how long you have known of his other wife or how long it has been since he and you agreed to work on your marriage? I know for me the 1st month I found out he had a secret wife I compared like CRAZY. “Does she cook better than me? She’s skinnier than me, is she nicer to be with?” Etc etc. It was HARD. Especially as she left soon after I never got to meet her and each of us I think needed to size each other up lol. But anyways after a while it gets better. My husband has been of help a bit he laughs and lets me know she had the same insecurities, he told me how he cares for me etc. It is obvious despite your trials in marriage he still cares as he is still coming back to you, some marriages need a break and when the spouses reunite they are happier than ever, if they allow themselves to be. Don’t look at it as he chose her over you, perhaps he needed that break in order to see how special you are to him and how much he loves you. My husband “put me 1st” but I have no delusions that that means I’m a better wife, his other wife had her strong points and flaws the same as me. All you need to do is find your strength and work it for the sake of your own confidence. Without comparison.
    When I asked my husband who was better in bed (bad bad bad I know but I was highly emotional) he got mad and said he refuses to entertain either of us asking that… but he did tell me that its different each wife is different and 1 cannot replace the other. That means my sister no one can replace you. In 6 years the 2 of you have surely grown and experienced much together. I’m not sure if your his 1st ever wife but establishing his household with you no one can replace that. Look around you the life you have built and know and believe there is something he finds happiness in there with you. His happiness with her does not in any way detract from his happiness with you.

  • Kate

    July 21, 2015

    Salamu Alaykum, i need help, my marriage hasn’t been the best because people around us didn’t like us getting married and made it harder, I put my heart on my sleeve and was hurt so much and lost a lot of confidence and lost the person I once was very optimistic happy laughing alot and I use to be confident and happy with who I was but I lost all that once I got married its been 6 years now I have been in this and my husband 3 years ago had a found a woman and had a secret marriage with her because ours was failing and this women apparently had no one so he put it on himself to help her and he finds her attractive too, I respect our religion and polygany I understand it and my husbands right to hve more than one wife, my husband and me have agreed to work on our marriage inshAllah I just have a problem I already have low self esteem but I’m slowly getting my self back I but I just keep having problems with comparing my self to his other wife I dnt see much good in myself and I keep thinking and feeling like she is better than me because my husband for a period of time chose her over me, how can I beat this problem and turn it into a positive thing that will help me to change and become a better person can any one advise me ? Please Thankyou

  • anabellah

    July 21, 2015

    I know there are some Muslims who don’t listen to Music. If you are one you could ignore this post.

    I love the lyrics to the video I’ve posted below. I think they say a lot of what some of the ladies here can relate to.

  • anabellah

    July 20, 2015

    I came across a writing that I like by Ibn al-Qayyim (a teacher who studied Quran) that someone had shared with me on the older version of the 411. I like it because it brings home the point I’ve been trying to stress here that life is not supposed to be about a spouse or children or anything other than Allah. I’ve typed it below to share with you:

    Ibn al-Qayyim [rahimahullah] said,

    When a person spends his entire day with no other concern but Allaah alone, Allaah [Subhaanahu wa ta’ala] will take care of all his needs and take care of all that is worrying him. He will empty his heart so that it will be filled only with love for Him, free his tongue so that it will speak only in remembrance of him [dihikr], and cause all his faculties to work only in obedience to Him.

    But when a person spends his entire day with no other concern but this world, Allaah will make him bear its distress, anxiety and pain. He will leave him to sort himself out, and cause his heart to be distracted from the love of Allah towards the love of some created being. He will cause his tongue to speak only in remembering people instead of remembering Allaah. He will cause him to use his talents and energy in obeying and serving the people. This person will strive hard, laboring like some work-animal to serve something other than Allaah.

    Everyone who turns away from being a true slave of Allaah by obeying and loving Him, will be burdened with servitude to some created being. Allah says in the Quran [interpretation of the meaning]:

    And whosoever turns away [blinds himself] from the remembrance of the Most Beneficent We appoint for him a shaytaan to be his Qareen [intimate companion]. (Sura al-Zukhruf, Ayah 36)

    It was narrated that Anas [radi Allaahu anhu] said: Whoever is mainly concerned about the Hereafter, Allaah will make him feel independent of others and will make him focused and content, and his worldly affairs will fall into place. But whoever is mainly concerned with this world, Allaah will make him feel in constant need of others and will make him distracted and unfocused, and he will get nothing of this world except what is decreed for him. (narrated by al-Timidhi, Hadith No. 2389 and classed as Saheeh by Shaykh Muhammad Naasiruddin al-Albanni [rahimahullah]) (Source: al-Fawaa’id, page 159

  • anabellah

    July 20, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I pray you and your family will have a wonderful, nice, long weekend holiday in NYC, shopping and eating. Insha Allah, have enough fun for me too :-)

  • Mari2

    July 19, 2015

    @Ana
    you are right and I leave co to her co thing. Right now I have more exciting things to tend to. Next week my daughter, son and I are headed to NYC for a long weekend. I am happy to have this time with them and see some of my cousins who live in the city. Inshallah we will have a fabulous time shopping and eating.

    Thank you again for this site. It truly is a blessing!

  • anabellah

    July 19, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I’m like you. I wear what I want to wear. As long as it’s neat and clean and cover my private parts properly, I don’t care what anyone thinks or says.

    Mari 2, even if it feels to you that M is pushing you off the path, what’s important is that, as you said, it’s really a test from Allah. Are you going to persevere and prevail or succumb? Allah knows. The test is for you. You seem to be passing it. Alhumdulliah! Allah tells us that He tests us by way of others. As long as you are aware of it, you’re in good shape. As long as we’ve got our act together with Allah, He protects us from others when we need it.

    About your co, I’d leave the girl alone. No where does Allah say women married to the same man has to be friends. He tells us who to befriend. If she doesn’t fall into the category of whom Allah tells us to befriend, leave her be. Don’t be bothered with her. If her path crosses your, give her the salaams and be kind, courteous, just and fair to her. It’s all you owe her, nothing more and nothing less.

    The sin is on her that she doesn’t return the salaams. Allah in an ayah (verse) in the Quran and a sign, tells us that when we are given a greeting, return it with one that is equal or better. You’re doing your part. You’re not responsible or accountable for what she does. Just thank Allah much that He’s allowing you to obey Him. She knows she is supposed to return the salaams. She doesn’t want to. She doesn’t have to. There is no compulsion in Islam.

    “Those who reject Our signs, We shall gradually visit with punishment, in ways they perceive not;” Quran: Surah 7, Ayah 182
    Allah says it.

  • Mari2

    July 19, 2015

    On Eid I chose to wear a simple outfit that M purchased for me. M gave both 2 and I the same amount of money which was fair. I had purchased a beautiful shalwar with my money but when Eid came the suit seemed garish. Allah doesn’t care about the suit. My prayers are worth no less if I am not wearing an expensive outfit. So I chose the simple outfit and was happy to do so. When I went to mosque there were some dressed fancy and some simply attired as I. M was not with me as he was working and was late for salat along with his mother. Later when he saw me he asked me what I wore. I said “the same as I am wearing now.” M was all taken a back and said “why would you wear THAT?” Ummmm…because there is nothing wrong with it. Because I appreciated the simplicity. Because Allah doesn’t care. Because it made me happy to be less adorned. Nary a kind word.

  • Mari2

    July 19, 2015

    Thanks Ana. But it isn’t so easy. I try to be a good muslim but sometimes I feel like it is M himself who pushes me off the path. I know that it is really a test from Allah. With regard to polygamy and attempting to be a good co, I feel like M doesn’t care about how I try. He won’t encourage co to even return a salam I give her. I am confident he lies to us both about his intentions toward the other. I see his lies like an open book. She sadly enough does not. Allah has opened my eyes. I continue to turn my heart toward HIM. HE brings me peace.

  • anabellah

    July 19, 2015

    @Mari2,

    WOW, you’ve really got it together. I’m impressed. This post is short as I’m out picking up dinner. I’m very happy for you! I think you are doing right by letting him know his mother should go live with him and the co when the co comes to the United States. The co should know, since she is the chosen one of the mother in law, that it is her duty and responsibility to serve his mother. After all, they are all about culture, not Islam. You can’t impose Islam on someone else. I always say, you’ve got your head on straight, Mar2.

  • Mari2

    July 19, 2015

    @coco and Gail and Ana,

    I hear what all of you are saying. And while I am complaining of their culture I have to admit that I am looking at this from the point of my own culture. At least I try to look at their perspective, but my perceptions are ingrained by my own upbringing.

    I have some insight as to the slightly twisted relationship between pathan moms and their sons. In the villages in KPK, marriages are arranged. Men and women marry for their family, their khel, not because they know one another or are even compatible. Marriage is for family, not individuals. Sometimes a couple grows to love one another. Many times it doesn’t happen. Girls are a burden. Boys a blessing. M’s mom’s marriage was one of much unhappiness. So all the love and affection and loyalty she may have given a kinder husband she gave to her sons. Her sons became her world, her ticket to a better life. So to her I am a usurper of her son’s affection. I am his choice. Not hers. She can’t/won’t punish him. I am the one in her eyes who deserves punishment. His cousin wife she can control thru him. I she cannot control. I’m the outlier.

    Yes he is be pressed by his mom, MIL and co to be rid of me. And you know what? I can neither fight this nor care to fight this. I already told him that if he chooses culture and the whims of women over what Allah has allowed for him then that is his choice. M, his mom and the other women involved can answer on their judgement day. Allah accepts our marriage and that is all that I care about. Our marriage is Islamically right. Neither he nor I have committed any wrong in our union.

    whatever occurs in the future is the will of Allah. I accept that. I have though told M again and again that I will hold to my right of a separate home when co comes here. His mom will go to live with him and co. No negotiation. He can divorce me or he can leave me in my own home. Either way he gets his mom. As co is his mom’s choice she must live with them.

    In another post Ana suggested that perhaps Allah has another for me. Or perhaps he has no one for me. But I am at peace with whatever choice Allah has decided for me. I can already feel myself stepping away mentally from M. I love him yes but his place in my everyday life seems less important to me.

  • anabellah

    July 19, 2015

    @Khadija-S, Eid Mubarak to you too!

    It’s such good news to know you and your co are hitting it off very nicely. Thank you much for checking in with us to let us know how things are going. Your husband must love you so much in that you were selfLESS, and did not stand in the way of him having another wife. You probably don’t know the extent of the love your husband has for you. I know Allah places the love in the heart. Perhaps He placed a tremendous amount of it there in turn for the goodness that is already in you.

    I understand how you feel uncomfortable with her being touchy, feel-ly with him in your presence. I don’t know what it’s all about. It’s nice she loves him, though. I was giving thought to something for a while now that is worth mentioning to you. You said you’ve had eleven years with your husband. Think about it – you had eleven years of monogamy with him. She is just beginning her life with him, but beginning by sharing with you – NEVER any monogamy with him or maybe never with anyone, if not married before. You had a wonderful gift for eleven years. Keep those memories and know you are blessed to have them. Hold on to them. You don’t need to compete with your co. You have a husband. You’ve always had him in marriage. Competition is not necessary. Don’t burden yourself with a competition.

    Continue to be a good servant to Allah and He is sure to continue to bless you with a good life :-) Oh, by the way, I got a chuckle out the breakfast attire thing that happen LOL I look forward to more good news. Don’t sweat the small stuff…

  • Khadija-S

    July 19, 2015

    Salam Alaikum,

    Eid Mubarak. My co-wife is here. So far, it is going fine. We haven’t been alone yet. I feel like Allah has made it easy for me, Alhamdulilah. My biggest complaint would be that she touches him all the time right in front of me. I will see what it is like, once we are alone. In front of him, she is great!

    I really feel like with the right person, I could live in polygamy just fine. I know it is something that Allah permits. It is not something bad. Actually, I encouraged my husband to find someone. I have been unable to have any children, and I know that children are very important to him. Insha Allah, this one will be the right person. I can tell that she is crazy about him.

    This morning she got up early and made us all breakfast. We are all three sitting at the breakfast table. Hubby is in his prayer robe. I have on my nightgown with my hair pulled back. She is all dressed with makeup, jewelery, etc. I pointed to her and said “newly married” and pointed to myself and said 11 years. It was funny.

    Hope you all have a great day. I will let ya’ll know if she decides to tell me the secret.

  • anabellah

    July 19, 2015

    @Zee, Hi there Welcome. It’s good to have you here.

    You made me chuckle about the “hoodrat” mentality. LOL What’s even funnier is that you used the word “shacking up”. I haven’t heard those words used in ages. When I was younger, I used to hear my mother and her friends talking about who was “shacking up” with whom LOL.

    I’m writing to you as I read. Oh, my goodness. Say what??? He married her within four days Shocked Get outta here…

    When you said he married a “rough” sister, but doesn’t want her to be rough, I remember a saying of a non-Muslim guy I used to be friends with for years when I was non-Muslim. He said men get women and try to mold the women into what they think they want the women to be, only to realize they fell for what the woman already was. It’s an interesting concept.

    It sounds like she’s the type of woman your husband likes. You said before he had married “rough” women with hoodrat kids before he married you. He seems to like the damsel in distress type, rough around the edges woman. She’s the type that turns him on. Some men like nasty skanks. All types turn men on. To her and him, he was and is her hero.

    I know it must be way difficult for you to sit back and watch him killing himself, trying to make a living for the three of you and himself. There isn’t much you could do to relieve his burden other than be of support to him and try not to add any more stress on him than he’s already got. Arguing with him and showing you are dissatisfied with him will only push him nearer to her.

    You sound to be a very easy going, accepting person as you didn’t put up much of a fuss about him marrying her and you’ve been going along with it. The only thing I could suggest is you patiently persevere and pray. If it’s God’s will, you’ll get the answer. Maybe eventually she’ll tire and move on. I doubt it would solve your problem, as, most likely, they’ll be some other stray he’ll be willing to take in. Maybe this is your life with him

    Are you Muslim? What are you thinking in terms of doing?

  • Zee

    July 19, 2015

    I’ll try to make this as short as possible. I have been happily married going on two years now; I consider my husband my best friend and I love him dearly. Before me he had the repetition for picking women to marry that he just ends up divorcing months after. He tends to pick rough sisters that have one or multiple children and with a hoodrat mentality.

    Those whom have known my husband for years told me that he wouldn’t have looked in my direction if it wasn’t for his friend who (who is tired of seeing him go down that route) helped pick his next wife. He suggested a 34 small town country nerd sister with no children who wouldn’t mind being in the house. That sister was me and we have been such a good match with no drama.

    About two months ago 23 year old sister and her four year old son moved here from a big city. While here she was shacking up with a brother who she was supposed to marry. Well, things went south fast he got fed up with her and called a cab to come get her and take her to a shelter, the cab driver was my husband. He doesn’t take her to the shelter instead he convinces the local mosque to put her in a hotel for a few days. The mosque was reluctant at first to do so cause the brother she was shacking up with has been known to cause drama in the community.

    I’m assuming she sees my husband as her hero and wants to marry him. He married her in a matter of less than 4 days. The night before they married she got angry and loud with the imam of the mosque (that helped her out). So much so she had to be taken outside. His friend, me, and I’m sure others told my husband it would be a bad idea to marry her. His friend told him over and over again to stick with what is working for you. And if you get another wife get one similar to the one you already have.

    He’s been married to her for a few weeks now. They are already arguing he’s already complaining about her speech and masculinity. The first conversation I had with her she already asked if I would like to watch her kid sometime. It’s like he married a rough sister but doesn’t want her to be rough. I did what my husband didn’t do I investigated her, and saw she has multiple tattoos from before and after she converted to Islam. He has her living in a kind of run down looking extended stay hotel until he gets her a place that cast $250 a week. This is financially straining him on a cab driver salary. When he is here on my nights I see the stress on his face.

    All I the fun I had with my husband is gone. He just comes in to sleep and go right back out to cab to afford this. When he has us all go out together (which is uncomfortable) it’s those three that look like the family. I look like I am just tagging along. But I guess she won right she got her a husband, a place to stay, and a daddy for her kid. I’m just an emotion mess right now.

  • Gail

    July 19, 2015

    Ana,
    Sleeping with the enemy has nothing on being married to a Pakistani man.If a wife does not do as her husband wishes she is going to be in serious crap.She might get by with it a few times but believe me he is going to mentally manipulate her and when and if that ceases to work any longer he will threaten to leave her,ignore her,have an affair u name it.He is fine to mess with her world but if she dares even to think to stand up for herself he is going to do everything in his power to rip her A$$.They have two faces one hand they r the nicest most sincere and sexy beautiful wonderful people u would ever want to meet but after the smoke clears u see your Angel has turned into a devil.
    The hardest part for me personally has been dealing the inlaws more than husbands bull crap.He insist on them living with us.It has come to the point the inlaws are disturbing the kids and this is a huge problem for me.I am to the point I am not going to allow them to live in my home anymore because 1 this was suppose to never be for so long and them take live with us the rest of their lives and 2 I don’t like anyone disturbing my home life and they are.Because of my actions my husband is not happy and acts stressed out 24/7.I can’t help that because I told him clear I am not taking care of those old people anymore.I told him straight if he wants to do it be my guest but don’t look at me or the kids we r going to live r lives stress free and he can sit and deal his parents.

  • Fatima

    July 18, 2015

    @ Mari 2 mother in law problems please dont get me started its AMAZING what power they hold! I know that when I am a mother in law my sons wife will be grateful to Allah wish everybody’s problems in life turn to ease !

  • Fatima

    July 18, 2015

    Eid Mubarak I am a little bit late lol! I wish you all the best year and I hope you all got huge blessing and rewards this ramadan, I have to admit how fast it has gone!! Too fast ya ramadan come back lol so peaceful ! ❤️❤️☺️

  • coco

    July 18, 2015

    Ana
    JazahkAllah!
    Love you…

  • coco

    July 18, 2015

    Assalaamualeikum and a HUGE Hello to my loves! ☺️
    EID MUBARAK my sisters! Sorry it’s a quick post running late and gotta get ready going for a Eid lunch. Ana how was your eid?
    Much love to you all and will be back later xo
    ❤️

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2015

    Dear Sis coco,

    What a WONDERFUL post you wrote to Mari2!!! Eid Mubarak to you, Sis…♡

  • coco

    July 18, 2015

    Mari2
    It’s pleasing to read you enjoyed Ramadan to the fullest. Reading your posts just angers me honestly. It’s quite commendable how well you’re handling yourself mashAllah. You’ve navigated through your pain and disappointment exceptionally well finding solace within yourself and your faith in the process. That’s what keeps you grounded, strong and beautiful. I find the way you seem to be handling yourself is so very inspiring I hope you see that too. Your mother-in-law is a piece of work many people may think oh she’s not educated she doesn’t know any better but comeeeeeee onnnnnnnn do they not know about common etiquette or adaab in Islam? I think she’s playing games CLEARLY!! She probably has family pressure to get rid of you especially from co and her momma these people don’t seem to fear Allah. She will try her best to make you mess up or throw a fit to say “look look how she treats me look how she this that and what not” I just wonder that had you done the same thing set the table for two cook for two would he take a bite of his Iftar without her?! I’m not trying to infuriate you but I’m just saying I’m sure he noticed but maybe thought asking where your setting is or what’s there for you to eat she would have went into a oh look how your disrespecting me for your white wife where is your culture and respect or some bull$hit like that. These pathan nut heads are like horses wearing blinkers when it comes to their mothers which prevents them from really “seeing” through their intentions and actions. These Pathan people in particular are known in the Mid East for their hospitality that even if a stranger goes to their home they feed them till their belly aches. She’s being downright rude and showing you who she is as Ana says! HOW is he so oblivious but again maybe he is aware but is unable to set her straight out of respect who bloody knows? Maybe he has that thinking that he won’t enter paradise if his mother isn’t pleased with him. How could you NOT flip out?!! I’m very sensitive when it comes to food and especially if no one bothers to offer me to join me in MY house knowing I’m fasting. I would go 50 shades of crazy that’s not cool so you handled yourself impeccably in my opinion. I find it empowering that you were happy and at peace being in your own company but I also pity M that he couldn’t be a part of that and fear for him that there will come a point that nothing will faze you and he will be unable to break through the shell you are surrounding yourself in. You are continuing to endure and M probably has no idea what you’re facing from within he needs to know! This is also a great opportunity to show him how it CAN’T ever work living under one roof once your co is here cuz today he’s sitting with his mother oblivious of you not being there or eating well once she’s there it will be them three eating and poor pathan won’t be able to realize or be able to speak up that you aren’t there on the table eating with. She and M don’t realize they aren’t in Kansas anymore as they are too busy bringing Kansas home. She wants to aggregate you to a point that you give in and walk out so Mari2 if you love this man then don’t give her what she wants. Try to keep your calm when you’re talking it out with him cuz at the end of the day men in his culture should not be scolded or told what they’re doing wrong by their wife blahhhhhh so try to keep a tone where he actually listens to what you’re saying. Yes it’s difficult but it’s extremely important he absorbs your thoughts and trust me he will… Much love to you and I will be back later to write more. xo

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2015

    Gail,

    By the way, I just reread your two posts to Mari2. They are very scary and chilling. It really is like “sleeping with the enemy” being married to those men.

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2015

    @Gail,

    All that you say and describe just seem so unreal and bizarre. It’s seems like something a person could make into a comedy. It’s Just so wacked and difficult for me to accept that these people could behave towards others and treat them the way they do. I don’t even know what to say as words of comfort to you, Mari2 or anyone else in the position you two are in. I’m on my phone so please excuse any typo errors.

  • Gail

    July 18, 2015

    Mari2,

    I wanted to mention also if u find yourself getting depressed to much through this mess but not wanting to divorce u might consider living alone and letting him come visit u so u can have inner peace.I don’t know if u r at that point yet but believe me sooner or later u will be.It is really hard to live and be around people day in and day out u can not trust and who u feel simply doesn’t have your best interest at heart as I feel u now know this about your MIL.I know for me it eats at me but i have distanced myself so much.I have a life now without my husband or my inlaws.I do not cater to them anymore nor do I bother with them at all to be frank.As with my husband what can i say we r very different and we have different life agendas.I am not stuck on him like I use to be because I forced myself to get a life.So I would suggest to u to try to do the same thing so life will not feel so complicated or hard for u going forward.I wish I had better words to comfort u through this mess but gosh I myself struggle and I think it is better to just keep it real.
    I know for me I keep hoping it will get better but the culture is so ingrained in them that when u go to try to talk logic with them it is like talking to a horses A$$ to be frank.

  • Gail

    July 18, 2015

    Mari2,

    I read your post about your MIL and Ana is correct it use to happen to me all the time and man it really pissed me off to the core of my being.I am the one cooking and slaving away for my husband to come in and serve his parents before me Oh man that really got me mentally.I finally said something about he started serving me right after that.
    I wish I could say she was just being a typical MIL but nope she was sending u a clear msg that she don’t give a crap about u unfortunately.I wish I could say it si going to get better but as u might remember I told u when he married his cousin it is only going to get worse from here on out.I don’t even have words to even try to comfort u through this obvious $hitfest to be honest.I have lived it for so many yrs and when I read your post my heart just feels sick feeling your exact feelings and what u r going through.
    Your husband is baiting u I feel because of his mother.If u have no intentions to leave him or divorce him u better sit down and buckle up because it is going to be a long crappy emotional roller coaster for u.I will not be shocked if at some point in the future he tries to leave u only to come whining back to u.He may start acting immature and acting possessive and if u don’t do what he says he will try to control u through his actions.
    I would suggest to u to make sure u separate yourself mentally from him so when crap hits the fan u r mentally prepared because believe me it is coming sooner or later and u don’t want to be a basketcase if u know what I mean.

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2015

    @Mari2,

    It just dawned on me. I think I recall that Gail was telling us a story about her husband serving his parents and the children and she’d get served last when barely nothing was left. Perhaps it’s a cultural thing. Lol I’m on my phone, so I can’t put my laughing snaggletooth smiley emoticon here.

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I think you’re right that it was “coco” who made the statement about girls from the village. I used to hear people say it about girls who had lived in the country (rural areas of the US) and moved to the city – for example, from Mississippi to New York City. They’d say, “You could take the girl out of the country (rural area), but you can’t take the country out of the girl.

    I think you’ve got a point there, Lol. M and his mom need to understand they are not in Kansas anymore

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I totally understand why you don’t want to disclose the details :-)

    About the people who set out to harm me, and exposed me, based on what people have emailed me and said, those people are still out there trying to harm my family and me. They are about as dumb as dirt. Just because they are obsessed with me and my husband, don’t have a life, and are ignorant of how things work in the real world (not in their tiny little minds), they think the whole world cares about me and my husband Laughing Hard The more they try to harm him and me, the better my hubz and my life gets. They may end up helping him and I get more wealthier than we already are due to those haters being brain dead. I just have to laugh at how they obsessed they are about my husband and me. They’re making him and me into celebrities. Anyhow, I totally understand where you are coming from.

    You’re doing the right thing by getting your focus right. Only Allah can give us peace and contentment in this life. No one can bring any good or harm to us unless Allah wills it. Allah has everything and if we serve and worship Him properly, He will give us all the good in this world – the best in this world and the best in the Hereafter.

    Don’t focus on your husband and his quest for another wife, nor who he may be speaking to about marriage. It will only upset you. As you know now, once a woman’s emotions kick in to full gear, it messes her up. She can’t think straight. She can’t function properly. Once a woman gets all into her feelings, it’s all over, until she brings the feelings under control.

  • Mari2

    July 17, 2015

    @Ana
    coco once said that “you can take a woman out of the village but you can’t take the village out of the woman.” That is sooooooo true. M’s mom approaches me as if I am a DIL in her village. She has certain expectations of me that I do not live up to in her eyes. Yes I am always kind and civil thus far however I don’t cow tow to her. I’ve no patience for backbiting. I go wherever I want when I desire to.

    In Pakistan I would be living in her home. But right now she is living in mine. And here we have a “village” mantra called “Not in my house!” One does not disrespect the homeowner in their own home. She and M need to understand that they are not in Kansas anymore.

  • Ruqayyah

    July 17, 2015

    @Ana thanks for understanding. Especially after some people wanted to harm u and expose u I am afraid to get into too much detail and theirs is a unique situation. I don’t want any harm to come to either of them because of me.

    I dont understand why he is so eager to look again but I don’t quite care much anymore. So far he has just discussed future plans and has not aksed about anyone in particular. Maybe its a distraction from missing his ex wife I dont know.

    My focus is not him or them or even our future I just want to focus on me and my life my connection to Allah and how it effects my day to day life including my marriage. I can’t focus on his reasons or how he is with others although I believe from her words he treated her well, she even told me if he marries again to make sure he treats the new wife as nice as he treated his 2nd wife. As I was not aware of the marriage I only have their words to go by. Its strange how I can be thinking logically now, I see how my emotions really do make a mess of a situation lol

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2015

    @Mari2,

    Just a reminder. Before you read the Quran, make duah, seeking refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed. Seek Allah’s protection, so Satan won’t try to mess with you while you’re reading it. It’s just a precaution. I think there is actually an ayah in the Quran that tells us to do it, if I’m not mistaken. I just don’t know the ayah offhand.

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I’m like you. I need time to reflect upon what I read. When we take the time to read the Quran to learn it and to live it AND we contemplate what we read, Allah gives us understanding. He teaches us. It’s truly amazing. I could read the Quran for the rest of my life and I’d always learn something new. I’m always learning something new. It’s like reading it for the very first time. I too find joy in reading it.

    I usually read the Quran right before or immediately after I offer Fajr prayer. Then I go to sleep and get the best sleep of the night, or should I say the day. I usually don’t go to sleep till after Fajr prayer and sleep till about noon LOL. Yeap I’ve got a weird schedule going. I know LOL.

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2015

    @Mari2,

    You’re a very good, warm heart, strong lady. I admire you. I enjoy reading your story. Your strength and perseverance amazes me. Keep on doing what you’re doing and hold onto the rope of Allah. He will see you through all of the drama and craziness.

    I find so much joy and peace in solitude. I feel closer to Allah when I’m alone, just remembering Him, reading Quran, studying my Islamic notes. I find joy in just reading in general and watching a movie at night whether it’s from the “RedBox” or on Netflix.

    Life is truly beautiful despite the obstacles or petty ridiculousness that occurs every now and again LOL

  • Mari2

    July 17, 2015

    @Ana
    Happy to know reading the entire quran in 30 days is not a mandatory requirement. I will get through it eventually. I enjoy reading it, but I need time to reflect upon what I read.

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2015

    @Mari2,

    Oh, my goodness. At first I almost died laughing when I read how your MIL excluded you from dinner, but then I got very sad. What in the world is wrong with people. How could she have done such a thing? It’s incredible.

    I’d like to know what she meant when she said you cook like an Arab. I cook as though I’m cooking for an army and it’s just my husbz and I. I just can’t gauge it. I used to cook for me and my siblings for a time when I was a teenager, so I think it stems from it. Still, your MIL is a serious piece of work.

    It is really nice M came and got you for Maghrib prayer. It’s nice you two pray together :-)

    I places another post to you while you were writing your last one, so please don’t overlook it.

  • Mari2

    July 17, 2015

    My craziness cont.

    M went to work and I prayed and read quran. I even did 5 salat after isha and prayed for forgiveness. This morning I awoke for fajar and felt good! I originally purchased a nice luxe shalwar to wear to eid prayer. I put that aside and wore a simple black skirt, sweater and hijab. That decision made me feel good too. I went to mosque unadorned and humble and felt such joy in being there. I went alone without M or his mom. After eid prayer I found the most beautifully simple abaya being sold by a vendor outside the mosque. I bought it for a great price. I came home home with such joy and read the quran some more. M and his mom went to his chachis home where another chachi embroiled all in the latest family drama (no, no one has a terminal illness thankfully). I on the other hand treated myself to lunch alone. Then I came home where M tried to make me feel bad about my dispute with his mom by telling me that his chachi’s 3 sons each asked her to leave their homes because their wives demanded it. And how terrible the wives must be. Really? 3 different sons and wives and homes but same outcome for chachi? Sounds like chachi is the common denominator. I told M that. Then he told me his pakistani friend in Florida is also fed up with his wife. My response “then he should leave if it is so bad.”
    Then M told me that his sister took her son to the mosque for eid and the mullah declared that the autistic child was “possessed by demons” and once an exorcism was paid for the child will be perfectly fine in 40 days. At this point I burst into tears and told M I can no longer tolerate another instance of such an ugly culture.
    Then m told me his younger sister wants to break her engagement to her fiancee because his sisters have bad character because they do not return salams given by his other sister. All I could say at this point was 2 doesn’t return my salams so therefore by his family’s caliber of character requirements 2 sucks too in the “character” department.
    Eid was good don’t get me wrong, the majority of the day I was filled with much happiness MASHALLAH. Alone.

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2015

    @Mari2,

    Years ago, I used to try to read the entire Quran during the Holy Month of Ramadan because it was what I was told I was supposed to do. Maybe once or twice I completed it. It was a huge burden. Some Qurans are sectioned into 30 parts. I always found myself looking ahead to see how many pages I had left to read. It was as though I was rushing to get through it. I’d get so frustrated when I fell behind.

    I later learned to read the entire Quran within the 30 days was not what I was supposed to do. The ENTIRE Quran was not revealed in the month of Ramadan. The Quran was revealed to our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) over a 23 year period. The Quran is not something that we can read and understand in a month. I don’t know who came up with the notion that we are supposed to complete the reading of the Quran during the Holy month of Ramadan.

    I just finished reading in some Islamic material that I sorted through recently that the companions of the Prophet (PBUH) used to take their time and study one ayah at a time for days or so before trying to move on to another.

    Allah never told us that we should read the entire Quran in thirty days. He tells us to read as much of the Quran as is easy for us. Allah doesn’t want to burden His believing servants. Allah tells us:

    “Thy Lord doth know that thou standest forth (to prayer) nigh two-thirds of the night, or half the night, or a third of the night, and so doth a party of those with thee. But Allah doth appoint night and day in due measure He knoweth that ye are unable to keep count thereof. So He hath turned to you (in mercy): read ye, therefore, of the Qur’an as much as may be easy for you. He knoweth that there may be (some) among you in ill-health; others travelling through the land, seeking of Allah’s bounty; yet others fighting in Allah’s Cause, read ye, therefore, as much of the Qur’an as may be easy (for you); and establish regular Prayer and give regular Charity; and loan to Allah a Beautiful Loan. And whatever good ye send forth for your souls ye shall find it in Allah’s Presence,- yea, better and greater, in Reward and seek ye the Grace of Allah: for Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”

    Quran: Surah 73, Ayah 20

  • Mari2

    July 17, 2015

    The final days of Ramadan were a flat out trying of my patience not with regard to Islam, but culture and living with MIL. Apparently I pissed her off somehow. She and I took turns cooking iftar meal. If I was hankering for some American food I would also be sure to cook a pakistani dish too. Plus a dessert. The last week MIL made snide comments about the volume of food I cooked. Said I was cooking like an Arab. What does that mean anyway? The final two days of Ramadan my MIL cooked ONLY for M and herself. She set the table only for them. Two plates of food, two glasses of drink etc. Last night after ironing their shalwar I came upstairs to discover the two of them enjoying an iftar meal. I did make the cake. No place set for me and no food for me either. I made myself a sandwich. M came to me after and said it was time time for maghrib. And sadly enough I flipped out and told him I had to clean the kitchen his mother left dirty despite the fact I was given nothing to eat. M was all like “you didn’t eat?” My response: did you see a plate for me? Did you see food for me? Did you see me eating food? All I see is dirty dishes in the sink!

  • Mari2

    July 17, 2015

    I very much enjoyed Ramadan. As far as fasting, prayer, and reading the Quran. I have learned much by reading the quran for understanding. I am reading the English translation. I wasn’t able to complete the entire quran. I got to page 1002. 712 to go! It’s been slow going because I read the verses then the explanation of the verses plus introductions to each surah. But I need to read it that way because I want to understand that which I read. My goal is to finish by the next Eid Inshallah.

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2015

    I’ve come across a short, nice video with a concise message for a farewell to Ramadan, which I have shared below.

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2015

    I like that we could shoot our thoughts and ideas back and forth between us all without anyone taking offense most of the times. It’s nice to be able to do it.

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    Thank you very much for expounding on it. I know there is only so much detail you could give as one needs to avoid unscrupulous people showing up trying to maliciously reveal a person’s identity. I take your word for it that it was for sound reasons they departed. I’m glad you’re okay and are not stuck in a toxic situation. You are correct, as well, that all husbands are idiots from time to time, as are we wives.

  • Ruqayyah

    July 17, 2015

    yes my husband has some problems but it was not the cause of the divorce. Trust me if I’d tell u the reason you’d understand. Neither of them wanted a divorce and he regrets it every single day. She was not a whore nor was anything wrong with her. Anyways I get without me giving you the most important details you wont understand. I thought similar things when he didnt tell me the entire truth but when I knew why she left I understood.
    I have the ability to leave, my family would take me back in a heart beat and ontop of that the government would give me so much money until I finish my degree etc but I don’t want to. I am not in a toxic relationship he’s just an idiot sometimes as most of our husbands are he may come across as arrogant or narcissistic but its because I don’t come here on the good days only the bad.

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2015

    @Gail,

    About Ruqayyah’s husband, I think something is seriously wrong with his thinking and chasing down women looking for another wife. When he married and almost immediately divorced, it let me know something isn’t right with him, especially after Ruqayyah said the now ex-wife changed all her contact info and is in the wind Upset Smiley It seems she used whatever reason she could to get up out of that marriage. Whatever reason she gave to leave the marriage was a good sounding excuse that she had to use, as I’m sure the problem didn’t magically appear.

    I’m sure Ruqayyah love her husband, doesn’t want to divorce, and doesn’t want to give him an ultimatum, as she said. YET, I the same as you, think she feeds into his warp sense of thinking. She’s tossed all options of recourse out the window and has, in a sense, said she will wallow in the nonsense and hope for a miracle – it sounds to me.

    Some of these men who chase down women looking for wives, and can’t seem to get it together have got some serious issues that need to be addressed. Just like the other sister who was here whose husband married and divorce four women, saying they all had the Jinn (evil spirit and whatnot), it sounds to me, he’s got the Jinn and the women were probably just women, behaving as women do.

    The women support these men in all they do and they don’t get the men don’t get the help they need. It’s my two cents about it, as an outsider looking in. Sometimes people can’t see the picture, because they are in the picture. Ya feelin me…

  • Gail

    July 17, 2015

    Ana,
    I liked your post about people talking about another persons deen like they know the heart of that particular man.I have learned over the years that u can’t know what is in another persons heart.

  • Gail

    July 17, 2015

    Ruqayahh,
    I read your post so your husband and second wife divorced.I have to say after reading your post and then Ana’s post I agree with Ana that your husband seems to have some character flaws.It is very obvious he is not seeking polygamy for the right reasons.I don’t care if his second wife was a whore to be frank he should have investigated all that before he married her to be frank.He come across as very narcissistic if u ask me.I also think in some ways u r feeding into this behavior which u know is wrong but u feel trapped.If u r in doubt on what I am saying watch him and the next time he remarries see if he does the same crap with the next woman.He might not divorce her right away but he will devalue her character etc… Or he may very well divorce her it is hard to say but honestly seems to me he is Narcissistic from everything u have wrote about him.I am not sure why u feel u have to deal him acting like this towards u unless u r financially trapped otherwise I am at a loss as to why u deal it to be honest.
    I am all for polygamy if done correctly but what he is doing seems toxic to everyone around him and he comes across in your post as very arrogant.I am sorry u r going through this.No wife should have to sit and listen to what u r having to listen to.

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2015

    Eid Mubarak, Everyone!!!

    polygamy 411

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2015

    Something has been on my mind that I’ll share here. There is an expression that makes me cringe when I actually hear someone say it. I’m sure most of you have heard it.

    It annoys the heck out of me when I hear someone say, “He’s on his deen.” He is a good brother because he is on his deen.” What does it mean??? Is it something they teach reverts to say? It sounds cliche.

    I know it is supposed to mean the person is practicing our religion – Islam. Aren’t we all supposed to be “living” our religion – Islam? Islam is a way of life that we should live each and every day, all day, in everything we do. Whether another person does it or not is not something another person can easily know or needs to know. The person only needs to know if another is living Islam if he wants to make a judgement call as to whether to have a friendly or marital relationship with the person, for instance.

    How would someone else know that another is “on his deen” unless he is up close and personal with the person. Is it because he is always at the masjid praying. Does that in another person’s mind constitute that someone is on his deen?

    Allah tells us in the Quran that some people pray or seek knowledge etc to be seen and praised by man (as in mankind). The person could pray all the time in the masjid and pray no place else. He may not pray at home. He may not have a home to pray in. The person may do nothing else but pray in the masjid. He possibly doesn’t fast, give in charity. He may fornicate, lie and who knows what else. We’ve all have got our faults and issues to deal with that could be tests.

    I know a real life story of a brother-in-faith who was always in the masjid and offered all his salat (five daily prayers) there. People were known to talk about the brother being “on his deen.” People told this sister-in-faith to marry him because he was “on his deen”. He was a good brother. She married him. Come to find out the brother was homeless, which is why he was always in the masjid. He allegedly gave her a sexually transmitted disease. He fought with her in the street and took her baby from her. He left with the baby. Left her running down the street, crying, wailing, and pleading for him to come back and give her their baby. They ended up divorced.

    He was the man everyone was praising and saying he was “on his deen.” My point is everyone who is a Muslim should be(as others put it) on his or her deen, daily, every minute of the day, trying to serve Allah. No one can say who is or isn’t on their deen just based on the person being in the masjid, praying. It sounds crazy to me. It drives me crazy to hear it.

    I thought I’d share that with you all, just for G.P. (general purposes) Insha Allah, no one will come here and irritate me with the saying intentionally LOL unless you want to make me

  • anabellah

    July 14, 2015

    I’ve written a new post that simply reiterates what I’ve been speaking a lot about lately. There are so many sisters-in-faith who are in the painful stage of living a polygamous life. I want them to know they can find relief. Things do get MUCH better. The pain can go COMPLETELY away and she CAN be happy again, happier than she has ever been in life. She only must do the right thing with reference to our Creator.

    It’s all good! May Allah continue to bless and reward us all

    Love to you all

    Link to the new post: https://www.polygamy411.com/ease-polygamous-pain/

  • anabellah

    July 14, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to Everyone,

    So we’re drawing to the end of another Holy Month of Ramadan (Ramadan 2015). I’m going to miss it undoubtedly. It’s been an absolutely wonderful month.

    I’m grateful we’re still all here together at the 411. It’s been a blessing in and of itself. I pray everyone will have a blessed Eid celebration and I pray we have all reaped many blessing this Ramadan and will gain many more.

  • anabellah

    July 12, 2015

    As I stated, I’ve been trying to get some things organized this Ramadan, as everything has been so easy. Alhumdulliah!” In doing so, I came across an article that I had saved from September 22, 1989, written by Mildred E-Amin in the column “Muslim Family Life”. I thought it a very good article that I’d like to share with everyone:

    “Allah Chooses the best mate”

    “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” Quran: Surah 30, ayah 21

    Family Life question: What is the best guidance for the selection of a proper mate?

    Dear Marriage Hopeful:

    Marriage is a commitment in the fullest sense of the word that two people make not only to themselves but foremost to The Almighty. Within the bonds of this commitment Allah has ordained that we find, as the above verse states, the peace and tranquility necessary for mutual fulfillment and self-realization.

    “And Allah puts love and mercy between the hearts of mates” that the marriage may be a source of comfort and hope. Marriage is vital to the sanctity of human life. The Quran (LI:49) says, “And of everything We have created pairs:that you may receive instruction.”

    Human nature has shown us that we attract who we are, therefore we must ask Allah to prepare us to receive the best mate. This is the mate that Allah has chosen for us. “Allah has created for mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them” (from the opening verse). This is what Allah has promised us in a mate. The Almighty has already prepared for our needs even before we were aware of the need. When considering marriage the first question is are you prepared for this blessing? We turn to Allah to strengthen our bond with Him that we are able to bond with our chosen mate; the best mate; the mate Allah has ordained.

    “O Allah grant us Thy Mercy” should be our prayer. For we want Allah to send us a mate in accord with His Will and Plan. We go to Allah not asking for what we want but asking for what He hath chosen for us in a mate and all things. As Moses said when he realized his needy condition, “O my Lord!Truly am I in desperate need of any good that Thous dost send me”, Holy Quran XXV111:25. All good is from Allah and all evil comes from our own hands, guides the Qur’an.

    Therefore the goal for successful choices in life is to allow Allah to choose for us. When two people are brought together in this manner, they are truly mated. The Holy Bible say, “Seek ye the Kingdom of God and all things will be given unto you.”

    There are signs for those who believe, guides the Quran. We are Rewarded for studying the signs and suffer from not heeding the signs. In the selection of a mate we are to study the signs so that Allah may guide us to the best decision. Study what attract us to a person and what attracts that person to us; being honest with ourselves about what Allah shows one about the coming together of the prospective mates. And pray that our hearts and wills may summit to that which is real and not an illusion. From the Quran we are also guided to understand that our illusions will leave us in the lurch. Only that which Allah ordains will stand.

    When entering a new day, anything new, the Quran gives us this prayer.

    “Say: O my Lord! Let my entry be by the Gate of Truth and Honour, and likewise my exit by the Gate of Truth and Honour. And grant me from Thy Presence an authority to aid (me).” and say”Truth has (now) arrived, and Falsehood perished. For Falsehood is (by its nature) bound to perish.” Holy Quran XVll: 80 & 81

  • Ruqayyah

    July 11, 2015

    @Ana, yes I thought thats what they were doing also when he told me he was divorcing her I was livid (moreso than when I found out he married her)… I told him I didn’t care what was wrong he had to make it work and find a way to keep her as his wife and try a few different things to make it work etc. I have since found out more information as to why they divorced and I am more understanding but not exactly willing to share the details as it is quite specific to her and if anyone reading it knew her they would know who it is about. I believe if circumstances were different they would not have parted ways and Allah knows best.

    My best understanding of my husband is that he is young.I did discuss that with him, when I ask him to tell me he keeps secrets when I ask him to leave me alone he wont shut up. I don’t intend to divorce him or leave him or even threaten to, I’m usually quite happy in my marriage but I definitely need this issue to be left alone for a bit at least UNTIL there is a new wife or someone he is serious about marrying. I hate these ‘what if this’ or ‘what if that’ scenarios. We discuss and discuss and discuss and he ends up doing what he wants anyways despite all the discussion we had.
    May Allah guide him.

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I really don’t get your husband whatsoever and I doubt I ever will. He has an obsession with becoming polygamous. As an outsider looking in, based on what you’ve shared with us, it doesn’t appear either he or the other woman put a lot of effort in the marriage. Did it last more than a couple months? There were issues they should have ironed out before they married, which help them to decide to marry. After the marriage, they have to get to know each other and work on making the marriage work. Marriage is work. No one gets married and live happily-ever-after.

    I doubt he even knows what he’s looking for in a wife. What does he want? You say it’s not lust, then what is it? It’s not to marry someone to come together for the purpose of worshiping and serving Allah, to bring people together as a family. It’s all about him. Does he realize how serious? Does he or she realize the seriousness of what transpired? Marriage isn’t about sampling people out in Islam.

    He is very insensitive to you. You asked him not to discuss other women with you, but he proceeds to do it, as though he doesn’t care. It’s as though he intentionally does it or simply doesn’t have any self control. I don’t know what you intend to do. There is only so much a person can take. You have to see what your breaking point is. He’s just a wild card. I know it probably hurts you to here me say it about your husband. We could say anything we want about our husbands and another person could say the same thing about them and we’re ready to rip their heads off. Anyhow, it’s what I think about it, for what it’s worth.

  • Ruqayyah

    July 11, 2015

    So I’m really struggling with the whole secret thing, that and the fact that he keeps ‘slipping’ and ‘accidentally’ telling me things I don’t want to hear. Just a normal conversation and he’ll say ‘oh but she liked it this way’ blah blah blah. It’s hard at the moment, we’re both tired and grumpy from fasting and each time we talk its very hard to stay civil. Today is a bit better. I’m trying to focus on how it must have been hard for him that the time he did it behind my back and then was scared to tell me because he knew I’d be mad as we’d always discussed it and both agreed in the open is better. I’m trying to forgive him but at times the pain is hard and I get nasty towards him especially as each time we talk it reverts back to her, or his future plans for a new 2nd wife.
    Ugh, I am really trying to just see things from their perspective and try not to focus on the hurt he put me through, or her through. Allah IS the best of planners, I’m sure there was a lesson in this for both of us, but it’s taking so long for these emotions to get out of my system.

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum,

    @Mari2,

    I’m not at all surprised at what you said happened with the sisters at the mosque. The few times I’ve been to mosques in the area I live it was such a cold, impersonal experience. I really don’t know what the problem was. I don’t exactly care either. I don’t go to any of them anymore. The best thing I could have heard when I first became Muslim is that women don’t have to attend the Masjid. It was music to my ears. Then when I read the story of Moses in the Quran and Allah said for Moses and his people to build dwellings and make their dwellings their places of worship, it was truly all I needed to hear, especially when Allah says there are some masjid we shouldn’t step foot in. No one has to convince me. Some people say, “I’m there” well, I say, I’m away from there. Congregational prayer can be done anywhere that is clean. All one needs is more than one person to pray together. It’s not about a building. Too many people make it all about a building. The building and paying for it becomes more important than the cause/mission.

    I’m sorry to hear you had such an awful experience. How sad you were doing something good and they crapped all over it. sigh. It’s okay. Your reward comes from Allah, not from them.

    @Laila,

    Hey, there, lady. I missed you. I was beginning to wonder when you’d get back here with us. I’m glad you’ve got your laptop. I pray you enjoy it. So you’re back to being your busy bee self. Good for you.

    I’m excited because I’ve been working on the non-profit I’m launching for Muslim sister and new shahadah. It’s something I’m enjoying. I’m really getting into it. I think it will be huge. I’m sooooo happy about. I’ll keep everyone posted. I look forward to hearing from you, when you get a moment to breath. :-)

  • Laila

    July 11, 2015

    Hello and salam to all. I finally got myself a laptop and I am very pleased. It is certainly a pleasure to type on the laptop as compared to typing on the phone. Well I have been busy as usual, with my part time lecturing and also my upcoming semester. I hope everyone is going good.

  • Mari2

    July 10, 2015

    Salam sisters,
    once I was happy to go to the mosque 20 days ago. But now I stay away. I read a book once about women’s inhumanity towards other women and it really is so true. The last time I went to mosque for Friday iftar I brought 100 cupcakes as a donation that I was happy to contribute and bake and ice. I walked in with the desserts and was made fun of for my “American” contribution. All of the cakes were eaten but though I didn’t require accolades, it would have been nice not to hear insults from other women regarding my attempt to contribute.

  • anabellah

    July 10, 2015

    @Amy,

    What the person said on TED talk about the people who say they are fighting the infidel are the infidel themselves – such as ISL/ISIS – is dead on point. Some people, many illiterates, just blindly follow others. They can’t read or comprehend. Many literate people don’t read it either, and blindly follow others who aren’t in the know.

    The uneducated, illiterates think that because the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and the first generation of Muslims spread Islam the way they did, it’s what Muslims today are supposed to do. They are clueless that it was what those people were supposed to do when the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), was living and not for those living after he left the earth.

    Allah in the Quran clearly lets us know that we are to leave people alone. We are to let people believe any kind of way and which ever way they want to. Unless they are messing with us directly, actively trying to prevent us from serving Allah and they are the aggressor, we are to leave them alone. If they provoke and attack us first, and then want to make peace, we must make peace with them. If they show their true colors again and try to jack us up we could declare all out war on them and slaughter the crap out of them. Those people must be the aggressor and declare war on us FIRST.

    Those Muslims out there who are the “Islamic Police” telling people who they can be with, what to wear and what to do and enforcing it are dead wrong. They need to go mind their own business. Who died and left them boss? It aggravates me to no end. Allah tells us to leave others alone and let Him deal with them. It’s why I’ve made my intent to stay away from those countries with a large population of Muslims who want to take over other people’s lives.

    I feel badly for the new Shahadahs. I am so concerned about the reverts/converts. I’m now working diligently on my non-Profit organization that will be geared towards helping new Shahadahs. So many are fed incorrect information. I, myself, learned wrong information when I first became Muslim, and began to read all kinds of books. I didn’t read the Quran as much as I read other Islamic books. My wali was more knowledgeable than me, but he was learning right along with me. We then began to learn together with the help and permission of Allah.

    I don’t fault non-Muslims for not wanting to know the truth about Islam. Why should they want to know? They aren’t Muslims. Do you think I want to know the truth about Christianity, Buddhism, Latter-Day Saints and others? I don’t.

    People of other faiths were here on the blog, and shared with us about their religion. I thought it was interesting and I liked hearing about it. It doesn’t mean I’m going to go online and research it and begin consuming my time talking about it, debating about it or trying to understand it. It’s not my religion, so I don’t need to know it or anything about it.

    Many Muslims are roaming about this planet committing evil and mischief in the land. They are giving Islam and Muslims a bad reputation. I can see how a Muslim wouldn’t want to hear that not all Muslims are like it. I could understand why they would view any Muslim as bad and not want to be bothered with any of them. It’s all in the media. If the self-proclaimed Muslims weren’t out there doing it and confessing to the acts, there would be nothing for the media to report about. Media is about money. It’s a business. They don’t have to defend what’s going on. They must only present facts or they are legally liable.

  • anabellah

    July 10, 2015

    @ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I love you too, my dear Sister. Thank you so much for the khutbah. It was beautiful. I appreciate it much! Glitter kiss

  • anabellah

    July 10, 2015

    @Amy,

    I CAN relate to a lot of what you said. There was a time I found myself easily able to pick up any book about Islam and read it, yet it was such an effort for me to pick up the Quran up and read it, especially for any length of time. I couldn’t understand it. It was my desire to read it. In time, however, it became easier for me.

    Now I find it difficult for me to read other Islamic books other than the Quran. I have since come to learn that Allah controls EVERYTHING. He controls if a person reads the Quran or not. He controls if a person offer the salat (5 daily prayers) or not. In the Quran He states He places a bar on a person restricting his movement so the person can’t offer the salat, if He decreed the person won’t. It’s why we have to thank Allah much for allowing us to read the Quran and to offer the salat. We have to thank Him for EVERYTHING. We have to ask Allah to allow us to read the Quran and to offer the salat. No one does it of any free will. We have to ask Him to keep us on the Mustaqueen (straight path), as He can make some people believers today and unbelievers tomorrow and vice versa.

    It is why it works my nerves when I hear Muslims talking like non-Muslims, thinking they’ve got all this free will. If Allah allowed them to read the Quran and was to give them understanding, they would know that they don’t have any free will. He lets us know in the Holy Quran that He does not leave people uncontrolled out there running about doing whatever they want. It would mean people have power along with Allah when He tells us clearly only He has power. There is no Power and there is no Might except in Him. They don’t get it. They think because it doesn’t make sense to them, it’s not so, even though Allah has only given us a limited amount, less than a pea size amount of knowledge and intellect.

    It’s funny because I have thrown Islamic books out, the same as you have. Some of those books were just so misleading, and had erroneous information. I read some Islamic books, and get so frustrated. The author could be so on point. I really begin getting into the book and then I read something that is incorrect, based on what Allah says in the Quran. I get terribly disappointed. I shouldn’t because nothing is perfect except the Holy Quran.

  • ummof4

    July 10, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum ans hello to all,

    May we all be gaining the benefits of the last 10 days of Ramadan.

    One thing that I would like to mention. Many Muslims are Muslims in name only. Their families are Muslim or they took a shahaadah to become Muslim. A Muslim is one who submits his/her will to the will of Allah. Islaam is submission, a Muslim is one who submits. To submit is to acknowledge that Allah is our Lord and Creator and He alone is in charge of everything that has happened, is happening now and will happen in the future.
    As Ana often says, every Muslim is not a believer. Often women, especially new Muslims, assume that all Muslim men and women are believers in the word of Allah. This is not true. A believer is known by his/her obedience to Allah in public and in private. There are many characteristics of the believers that are in the Qur’aan.

    As the month of Ramadan draws to a close, let’s all strive to be true believers and obey Allah properly. Let us pray that those near and dear to us also become true believers and obey Allah properly.

    All of us have bad habits, and none of us are perfect, but a true believer who is trying his/her best to obey Allah does not have certain habits. A true believer does not regularly lie, cheat, steal, deceive, or abuse another physically or emotionally. (I emphasize regularly, because anyone can have an occasional relapse.)

    May Allah answer all of our du’ahs during Ramadan, and accept our fasts and good deeds. I love you all.

  • Amy

    July 10, 2015

    I myself am guilty of not reading the Quran enough myself. I read many books wih Quran in it and explanations and advice based on Quran. But I need to read it myself more. I do try to buy reputable books. I do have some books that I question their logic and don’t read them anymore. I have destroyed some books when I find they are at fault and doing more harm than good to Islam although they claim to be following deen.

    Today we watched a TED talk where the lady was talking about all the different religious fundamentalists like Christian, Jewish, and Muslims. How they claim to know they are right in regards to religion and harm others based on their beliefs. She made the comment that those types of people are the infidels rather than the other people they claim are infidels. She said the fact that they harm overs based on their religion is so wrong. That they believe so strongly in their ways that they don’t elt anyone question beliefs. That they follow their leaders so wholeheartedly that they treat them almost as God. Then they are Harmon others claiming to be religious. When if they were really following religion and reading Quran they wouldn’t do the things they are doing. How the Quran says killing one person is as if you killed
    the entire world of people. ( just requoting not word for word)
    Stuff like that. Boy that really sums up some of the groups out there like ISIS and such.

    It is such a shame that people are using. Islam to harm people and make a bad image of Islam. They surely will be punished in the afterlife. People want to believe badly about Islam. People are so naive. They don’t even want to know the truth about the religion. How Islam gives so many rights to women and has done so long long before any modern society ever has. If all Muslims followed true Islam. They wousl show such a different picture to the world. Instead the media just loves to find the bad examples and broadcast then wide and far.

  • anabellah

    July 9, 2015

    About the suffering Muslim are experiencing as a result of war, Allah says He will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in their hearts/souls. They have to surrender to Allah. They have to submit their will to Allah, which means they have no will of their own.

    It baffles me that I don’t hear anywhere any scholars or “Islamic Leaders” coming together or separately trying to bring Muslims together. They are all caught up in sectarianism. Muslims encourage Muslims to put up mosques (majids). Muslims are blowing up people in mosques today. I was reading even during this Ramadan a Masjid got blown up. It’s not the first time it’s happened during Ramadan.

    The masjids (if the people get the buildings built and don’t keep the money), only separate people. Allah says in the Holy Quran that many of the mosques people should NOT go into. He says a mosque built on piety is the Khabah built by Prophet Abraham (PBUH).

    “And there are those who put up a mosque by way of mischief and infidelity – to disunite the Believers – and in preparation for one who warred against Allah and His Messenger aforetime. They will indeed swear that their intention is nothing but good; But Allah doth declare that they are certainly liars.” Quran: Surah 9, ayah 107

    “Never stand thou forth therein. There is a mosque whose foundation was laid from the first day on piety; it is more worthy of the standing forth (for prayer) therein. In it are men who love to be purified; and Allah loveth those who make themselves pure.” Quran: Surah 9, ayah 108

    Allah tells us all how we could be victorious and triumph. He tells us how we could have hope for a commerce that will never fail. He tells us it all in the Holy Quran, but hardly anyone reads it. They resort to relying on other books, but won’t read Quran. Allah says the Quran is replete (is completely full and stuffed) with knowledge of Allah. He says He left NOTHING out to the Quran that we need. Yet, people don’t believe Allah.

    I haven’t heard of anyone marrying after Ramadan this year. In the past I had received emails this time of the year (Ramadan) from distressed sisters who said their husbands would take other wives after Ramadan.

  • anabellah

    July 9, 2015

    @Amy, As Salaam Alaikum,

    It has been a busy Ramadan. The hours are so strange. It makes it a very interesting one. It’s been wonderful. Alhumdulliah.

    I doubt they’ll be much change in the global situation. Too many Muslims identify with sects, which Allah tells us Muslim not to do. Ask any Muslim what kind of Muslim they are 9 out of 10 times they’ll say Shia/Shite, Sunni or whatever. They defy Allah. The Muslim’s condition is the way it is because the masses of Muslims disobey Allah. They don’t read Quran to know how we are to live and believe. Everyone is getting their just due. Allah is a Just God. It’s how I see it.

  • Amy

    July 9, 2015

    Hope everyone is doing good. Enjoying the end of Ramadan. Hopefully you are finding peace and quiet time to pray more in these last days of Ramadan. It can get so busy. I have to just cut off many things at this of Ramadan to try and get some extra prayers in. Things like social media and TV tend to make the cut. Alhumdillalah I am able to do that. Some people it is such an addiction they have a hard time to give it up for a time. Inshallah allah will accept all our dua and prayers this Ramadan. I wish we could see the end of so many Muslims suffering in these war situations all over the world soon.

  • anabellah

    July 8, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone this glorious day

    I was going through some things, trying to get organized and I came across some material that I had from when I first became Muslim. I read some of it. Let me share what I read from the book: “The Way to the Quran” by Khurram Murad

    “A New World Awaits You”

    “Momentous Journey

    You are about to undertake a momentous journey – a journey that will take you through the endless joys and riches of the words that your Creator and Lord has sent to you and all mankind. As you come to the Quran, you will come to a new world – a world of untold treasures of knowledge and wisdom to guide you on the pathway of life, of thought and action; of deep insight to capture your imagination; of radiant light to illumine the deeper reaches of your soul; of profound emotions and glowing warmth to melt your heart and bring tears running down your cheeks. It is the Quran, and only the Quran, which can lead you on and on to success and glory in this world and the Hereafter.”

    “Only Way to Success and Salvation”

    (About the Quran)

    It is the only weapon to help your frail existence as you struggle against the forces of evil and temptation in this world. It is the only light, as you grope in the darkness, with which to find your way to success and salvation. It is your only sanctuary as you are tossed around in the stormy sea of life. It has been brought down by one who is powerful and trustworthy in the heavens – the angel Jibra’il. Its first abode was that pure and sublime heart, the like of which man has never seen – the heart of the Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him). More than anything, it is the only “way” to come nearer and closer to your Creator. It tells you of Him; of His attributes; of how He rules over the cosmos and history; of how He relates Himself to you and how you should relate to Him, to yourself, to your fellow men and to every other existence.”

    @Everyone,

    What the author said, I’ve been trying to convey to everyone for a long time now. He said it wonderfully.

  • anabellah

    July 8, 2015

    Awww, thank you, Sis Ummu ‘Ain!!! It’s so sweet of you. I pray the same for you, as well. Much love! :-)

  • anabellah

    July 8, 2015

    Ummu ‘Ain, Wa Alaikum, As Salaam to you too

    I’m glad you stopped in, and glad you are having a blessed Ramadan, as well. It’s good to hear from you. I know how busy one can be. I look forward to you stopping in again when you get another free moment. Much love to you too, dear sis! ♡

  • Ummu 'Ain

    July 8, 2015

    oooh, Sis Ana…

    This may be advanced…or belated…but HAPPY BIRTHDAY darling!!! May you be continually showered with the barakah and rahmah of Allah ‘Azza wa Jall….

    Stay beautiful…

    much LOVE

  • Ummu 'Ain

    July 8, 2015

    Assalaamu’alaikum Sis Ana and all of my sisters…

    Just have to grab this moment to drop by…if not I won’t have the chance at all. Alhamdulillah…to know everyone’s doing well in Ramadhan. I am having a blessed one too, insyaa’Allah…although a busy one.

    Missing all of you loads!! Alhamdulillah I get to catch up on all the comments and posts…

    Till the next time…

    Much Love

  • Ruqayyah

    July 7, 2015

    @Ummof4 I would definitely be open to being her friend but she can’t handle it right now. She has since changed her number and asked me not to contact her which I am trying to respect, I get it must be hard on her right now. I do make dua for her but other than that I am trying to just pray that the next sister he marries is as good a fit as I felt the last 1 was, we’ll just wait and see.

    I told my husband I accept what he does how he does as I see why he kept it a secret for a time so I no longer have any demands etc. I asked him to choose someone who fits in well with our family (but its not a demand just letting him know I’d prefer us all get along rather than separate but we shall see). I just don’t want to hear about it but I guess he is excited he won’t shut up about our future with his wife who will supposedly be my best friend. Hey it sounds nice but I’m sick of hearing about it lol, I just want to go about my life until he does it again then we’ll deal with reality when it happens.

  • anabellah

    July 6, 2015

    I think I got the last post right now. The more I tried to fix it the worse I made it. Sigh
    So is life…

  • anabellah

    July 6, 2015

    @ummof4, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Thank you much, dear for reminding us about the upcoming last ten days of Ramadan

    You and Fatima (she was over on the new post) were thinking alike with the reminders.

    I don’t know if your birthday past or not yet, but have a good one! Mine is next week, if I’m still alive.

  • ummof4

    July 6, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Khadijah-S, thanks for stopping by. It sounds as if you are doing well, Alhamdulillah. The surprise sounds like it is either a baby or a pregnancy. What else would surprise you? And then again, maybe she’s buying you a new car! LOL

    Ruqayyah, just because your husband is divorcing his wife, doesn’t necessarily mean that you and her cannot be friends. If she is the kind of Muslim sister that you bond with, then be friends. She does not have to be out of your life because she is going to be out of his. I am friends with former co-wives; our friendships have nothing to do with my husband, we like each other as Muslim sisters.

    The last 10 days of Ramadan will be beginning soon, remember to try to get the maximum benefits of these blessed days, In shaa’Allah.

  • anabellah

    July 6, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone

    I’m hopeful everyone is having a wonderful Holy Month of Ramadan.

    I just want to alert you that I wrote a new post that, Insha Allah, you will find useful or helpful. Alhumdulliah!

    The link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamous-marriages-contain-ease/

  • anabellah

    July 5, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I don’t know why some women feel a need to have the other wife accept her. She bends over backward and do somersaults and whatever in an effort to get the other wife to accept her. I am familiar with the behavior. It’s the wrong thing to do. I truly believe what one chases runs from her. Once the one ends the chase, the other one begins it. It’s a case of playing cat and mouse for some.

    I think as you said, Ruqayyah, if it can’t work between the wives, they should go their separate ways – have no contact at all – unless they must do so for when children are involved. If it doesn’t fit, don’t force it. If they become friend, it’s a beautiful thing.

    Furthermore, I agree with you that it makes no sense to make the husbands lives harder. Allah says the husbands and the wives are raiment for each other. We are to live together in tranquility. A wife shouldn’t want to hurt her husband for doing what Allah allows. Many women are loved and treated kind and just by their husbands, yet the wives are a menace because of hatred for what Allah allows and blaming the husbands and the other wives for living a lifestyle that is our way in Islam. Whether it’s monogamy or polygamy, it’s all good. The only difference is the number of wives.

  • anabellah

    July 5, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I understand what you’ve said and I agree with you. There are some wives who marry married men, and are very arrogant. It’s as though they say, “I’m here. I’ve married him and if you don’t like it – tough.” They have an attitude of entitlement. I don’t know if it’s a coping mechanism or they are just plain, outright nasty in attitude. Some are outright abrasive. I wonder if their arrogance and aggression is because they think they are better than the other wife or she thinks she is replacing the other. I really don’t know. There is also the wife who marries the married man who is dismissive of the other wife entirely.

    I think it all makes for a bad situation all the way around. I certainly understand how you felt a connection to the last sister who your husband married. She was kind and respectful based on what you’ve said to us. She treated you as she’d probably would have wanted to be treated if she was in your shoes. She sounds to have been a very decent and sincere person with a kind heart. I could imagine how you were saddened that his and her marriage didn’t work.

    On the other hand, there are women who married first that have the same attitude as what I described above about the women who married men already married. It is all very ugly.

    For some, regardless of what order they married in, it’s a learning experience. The woman come to see the wrong in herself and she sets out to change it. For a Muslim, she may turn to Allah for the help. She knows what she has done is wrong. She repents and seek Allah’s Forgiveness and Mercy. She mends her way and move forward to a better place in her life. Allah says in the Holy Quran that He test some of us by ways of others.

  • Ruqayyah

    July 5, 2015

    I think I finally figured it out what I liked about my husbands other wife. When we 1st spoke she apologized to me, while I didn’t expect an apology or feel she wronged me in any way I liked that she was humble about it not arrogant about marrying my (our) husband. He said she knew it hurt me and that’s why she gave him space to tell me etc. I really respect her for that even though I know she doesn’t have to it made me really like her, moreso because I know that she did it out of her love for me as her sister in islam and for no other reason. How can you not care about someone like that? I spent so many years fearing him remarrying (especially in secret as was done) yet when it happened it wasn’t half as bad as I thought. He will be looking again I’m sure and I’ll be staying out of the search until he has decided hopefully. I have no desire to get mixed up in the search again.

    I’ve dealt with a few 2nd wives before who cry for years that the 1st wife does not accept them even though “they didn’t do anything haraam” it makes me wonder if they think the reward for good deeds lies with their co wives…do they not realise the reward is with Allah despite humans disliking what you’ve done? Marrying a married man is not a sin so we know we are okay in the eyes of Allah (for this action) but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt his wife or wives. Eventually the new wife will come to be hurt by sharing him also but when she has approached the 1st wife with arrogance what makes her think the wife will be compassionate towards her when she is struggling? I know each situation is different and sometimes the 1st is difficult and sometimes the 2nd is difficult but the wife who understands polygamy will realise that being humble about being married instead of demanding her to act this or that way because you are now married to him will go a long way NOT in making the wife act a certain way but in seeking the pleasure of Allah. Why make our husbands lives harder? If we don’t like her we can be separate if we by chance happen to find a friend in her then we can be friends.

  • anabellah

    July 5, 2015

    @khadija-S Wa Alaikum As Salaam & Ramadan Mubarak!

    It’s so good to hear from you. Your post was perfectly fine. Don’t concern yourself with such here.

    The first thing I thought about when you said your co changed is 1) familiarity breeds contempt. 2) she’ emotionally invested now in her husband.

    I don’t get how she believes that you finding out about her and his marriage has changed everything for her and ruined her dreams and plans. What kind of game is she playing? Was she having fun living a secret? Did she have plans that he’d divorce you on other grounds (as you didn’t know about her) and he’d then live with her in monogamy, as though you never existed? I really don’t know. It’s like a guessing game. In my mind, life and marriage is too serious for games such as it.

    I can’t imagine that whatever the surprise is for you when she gets here is going to be good. It sounds frightening to me. What? Were they married longer than you think and she’s bringing a baby with her. Those type of surprises I wouldn’t want or need.

    The more I hear about these modern day polygamous marriages, the more I think the co wives should stay distant from one another. Anyhow, please keep us posted. I pray all goes very well for you with your eyes and the surgery. You appear to be a very strong, good heart person. {{{hugs}}}

  • Khadija-S

    July 5, 2015

    Salam all,

    Just some updating. I have been so busy. My co-wife will be coming to visit. She will arrive on July 17 and stay for two weeks, Insha Allah.

    I wish that I could be optimistic about her visit. I am trying to be. Things have changed, since the first time I knew her. Before, we seem to have gotten alone very well. Now, I am not so sure. I feel that she acts different. She was very upset that I found out that they are married again. She keeps telling me that everything has changed and I ruined their dreams and plans. The, she keeps telling me that they have a secret, but she can’t tell me what it is, but she might tell me when she gets here. She wants to see my reaction in my eyes and in my face when she tells me. Can’t wait for that one.

    I am trying to not talk with her as much, and when I do, I try to steer the conversations to more pleasant topics. Insha Allah, things will be better when we meet in person. I am starting to think that this is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

    Please forgive if my words don’t make sense. The six week postponement of my operation has stretched into who knows when. My eyes are getting much worse, so it is hard for me to see what I am typing and the errors.

    Hope everyone is having a good Ramadan.

  • anabellah

    July 4, 2015

    Amy,

    I was going through some papers and I came across something that I’ve saved from a commentator who was on the older version of the blog. I think it is inline with what we’ve been discussing in the last few posts between you and I. The person’s name is “Sage”. He stated:

    “Ana,

    The problem for both, husband and wives, is free time. Too much free time in the head, not in daily activities. A person can be at work and would spend time thinking about problems at home. If your heart and soul are poured into something, you won’t find yourself thinking and pondering about the husband and what he’s doing. The problem is, most of us give our minds a lot of free space to wonder.

    The vastness of our minds, the freedom of thought and imagination we are given don’t exist to simply obsess and think about one another, they’re there to grasp what we can of aspects of the infinite attributes of the Divine. That’s why our minds can go and wonder to such heights, for contemplation and reflection of the Divine, not for contemplation and reflection of one another. When we use it on one another, we just end up with heart ache, head aches, and stomach aches. A person can be praying, but because he or she spent the entire day thinking about someone else, that person is their only thought in their prayer. Too much free time up in our heads.

    As for us men, we’re too busy thinking about women most of the time. The busier we are with more important matters, (the more we realize that these non-worldly spiritual matters are pressing), the less time we’d sit around thinking about women that we have, don’t have, or want to have.

    Yes, it’s in man’s nature to want to “spread his seed” but it’s also in man’s nature to reach spiritual heights. So if all a man is thinking about is spreading his seed and isn’t doing some major spiritual progress, then he’s just taking polygamy and his wife for a ride.

    Polygamy is permissible, but it’s for men not for aging boys. If a man decides to go down the polygamous route, then he better make sure he’s a spiritual powerhouse before he travels that path. Otherwise, it’s just a joke his testosterone is playing everyone else.

    Men need to be a lot more cautious with polygamy. It’s permissible with conditions, without those conditions it’s not permissible and the man is living in sin.”

    Written by “Sage”

  • anabellah

    July 4, 2015

    @Amy,

    I think you’ve got it going on. You know what time it is (colloquialism). Now, it’s about remembering it all and putting it into practice, which is a lifelong task.

    When you pay attention to your thoughts, you will begin to realize what brings on the pain you feel in your heart. You will realize that when your thoughts are on your husband and another wife for him, you will feel pain. It’s because you in essence blame him for what you’re going through. You doubt his love for you and you think he’s acting of his own accord. As long as you see your husband as you do, you cannot see Allah. When you remember Allah sincerely you have peace in your heart and mind.

  • Amy

    July 4, 2015

    I think the part of that site talking about Sins and hardship was a little different. If I undestood it correctly. It said that we get tests and hardships in life. Some of them could be because of sins we have done in the past as punishments. But others can be just tests from allah to help us achieve better place in heaven. That allah wants us to come closer to him. That there are blessings in hardships for us that sometimes we can’t see. I don’t believe it was written that it is because of the sins we have done in the past that we get hardships and tests. But only that sometimes that can be the reason. But we don’t know for certain why any test comes to us. But that we should try to remember also that any hardships we have are also wiping away some of our sins. And it is better to pay for any sins we may have on earth rather than have them against us at the afterlife. That we can choose to look at some of the tests or hardships we face as punishment for our sins as see that in a good light because we should want to repent and have our sins away.

    Does that make sense to you? I believe I understood it correctly. Hopefully I am not mistaken.

  • Amy

    July 4, 2015

    When we had a very hard time with my older son for few years. I did much better then praying and asking Allah to help
    Me do the right thing by deen. To not just want soemthing from my heart to want what was best for the whole family and right in deen. When it came to second wife issue at first I wasn’t in that mind set. After reading bunch of stuff I realized I have to get out of the mindset of why me. What have I not done. What is not good enough etc. And pay attention to it is all written before we are born even. That everything happens because allah wants it to. I have usually been very good with this type of thinking all of my life with the good and bad things that have happened to me in life. This one is harder. And I have to remember I will get more blessings for it because of that. I have to believe that allah will help me thru it. I know I can’t do it alone. I do believe allah answers my prayers when I am sincere and ask for the right things for the right reasons. If I ask for help to handle what ever he choses for our lives. I believe he will help me. I have to have faith.

    I was saying inshallah it won’t happen. But I have stopped saying that now. Instead I am just asking for help to handle whatever comes. Help to have patience. Help to lessen any pain. Help to turn towards deen more. To learn more to help me along the way.

  • Amy

    July 4, 2015

    Thanks for the comments. I do want and have wanted to for some time to go to hajj. I don’t want to go with kids. For sure not the first time. If I was able to go again maybe for an umrah with the kids. But hajj is too big and busy for kids. Bless the people who do it with kids. I would never want to. In the past I figured I would go wih one of my sons. Not my husband. But I ahve come to the conclusion that is could be a good thing for husband and wife go together. I read where prophet advised people to go with their wife to hajj. So there must be some good in it for married couple to do it together also.

    The conditions my husband ask about is more stuff between us. Not with anything to do wih another wife or her conditions etc. Some people we know whom have had their husband marry a second. They have given their gold to sell early int heir marriage to help business or something. So they want their gold back first. Some have had promises made and they want them fulfilled. Someone I know wanted new house car due other etc. She got them. So did the new wife. But they didn’t do her any good. Those kind of things don’t matter to me. Material things aren’t anything I want. But we haven’t taken any trips for fun really. But that is not so important either. But hajj is something different. That has few levels of interest to me. I think it can be good inf ew ways.

    I have already come to the decision that what ever happens it is allah. If he marries or not. It is Allahs will only. Not theirs. I do understand that. I have already decided not to pray for it not to happen. Right now my prayer is to help me accept whatever Allahs will is. To help me do the right thing. To take away the pain and help me deal with any pain. The help me deal with my nafs. To help me out allah first. Remember why I am here on earth. To keep the afterlife In my head. It is not easy to think like this. But I am going to keep trying very hard to think this way. I will keep trying to remind myself allah tests everyone. That this may be a test for me to get to heaven.

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2015

    @Muhajirah,

    I’m so happy you found the blog, as well. It’s wonderful having you here. It’s a bit quiet probably due to Ramadan. Sometimes we get really slow here and then other times it’s so busy, it’s difficult to keep up :-)

    I look forward to chatting with you more, my dear sister. No pressure. Whatever is easy for you, Insha Allah.

  • Muhajirah

    July 3, 2015

    DschasakAllahu chairan Ana,

    for your kind words, positiv words, and helping me to think in the right way.
    It helps me in understanding.
    From time to time we need good reminder in our life.

    The same as you told – reading Quran and understand with my heart – i
    did in the past. And i felt so full with love …

    Until i married and my husband teached me a different way of islam.
    He said i am folling my mind, but i have to follow the olama which have
    More knowledge of understanding the religion than me.

    This art of strikt thinking with mind and not following by heart, chanched me.
    In some things in a good way, in other things in a sad way.
    But more deep about it in an other post in sha Allah – where i will start
    At the beginning …

    Once again, i am so happy to found this blog.
    Alhamdulillah that Allah guide me here, to all of you wonderful sisters.

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2015

    @Muhajirah,

    Furthermore, don’t talk to anyone about those things you’ve done in the past. No one needs to know. It’s between you and your Lord. We don’t have to confess our sins to anyone. We don’t deal with confessions in Islam about our sins. Unless you’ve accused someone of something you’ve done. It’s not quite what we’re talking about LOL

    You’re good. It’s okay. No need to worry…

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2015

    @Muhajirah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I think you beat up on yourself waaaay too much :-( So, you’ve done some terrible, awful things in life, so what? So has everyone. You’re not special LOL Some just hide their stuff, and maybe not very many people know what they’ve done. You’re not unique in having done wrong. Regardless, you don’t do the stuff anymore. Right? I’m not saying you don’t sin anymore because we all do. What I mean is you don’t do the things you consider horrific that you did yesterday (whenever it was). You don’t do them anymore.

    Well, we know you repented, as you have remorse and regretful feelings. Right? Did you ask Allah to forgive you, and to have Mercy on you, as well? I’m assuming you did. Well, then, most likely Allah forgave you. Why wouldn’t He? He is an Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful God. You MUST believe it. It is what belief is all about. Take it easy. Stop thinking about those things you did a hundred years ago. Leave the past where it belongs – in the past, and stay in the moment, TODAY.

    Try to deal with today. Ask Allah to forgive you for all the sins you’ve ever done in the past, do in the present, and will do in the future. We must ALWAYS ask Allah to forgive us. We must ask Allah to forgive us of the sins that we don’t even know we are committing. Allah knows those who are sincere in asking for His forgiveness, and want to do the right thing from those who don’t care whether they sin or not or are all lackadaisical about it.

    Allah tells us in the Holy Quran who the Believer is and what we must do to become one. Concentrate on it, and not about the wrong you’ve done in the past. Satan wants you to continue to think about yesterday and what was done in the past. He wants you to hate yourself and to despair. Leave the past there. Don’t even go into the future. It’s Satanic as well. Deal with today.

    Everything a believer does is a good deed when he or she stays focused on Allah. Our hardships we suffer in the cause of Allah are good deeds. It’s all good. Repenting and asking Allah for forgiveness is a good deed. To suffer injury or fatigue or hunger or any hardship for a believer is a good deed. Be optimistic and positive. Believe. We have to have the right belief.

    On the Day of Judgement some people will receive their Books of Deeds in their left hand. They will go to the Fire. Those who receive their books in the right hand will enter Jannah/Paradise. Their book won’t be opened. They will have a lenient reckoning. Their faces will be bright and beaming. It’s all in the Quran what that day will be like for those who will go to the Fire and those who will go to Jannah/Paradise. People won’t be asked by Allah about their sins on the Day of Judgement. Those who will enter the Fire won’t even see Allah on the Day of Judgement. He won’t even look at them. A person knows where he or she will go when they die as the angels violently rip the soul from the bodies at the time of death of those who will go to the Fire. The angels gently seizes the souls of those who will go to Jannah/Paradise. It’s all mentioned in the Holy Quran. I don’t make this stuff up.

    It’s amazing that the scholars and all go all around the world trying to explain things and confuse people when Allah says all we need to know simply in the Holy Quran.

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2015

    @Muhajirah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam & Ramadan Mubarak to you, too!

    Welcome. I’m delighted to have you here with us. It’s always so nice when newbies join us. It’s okay that you are a quiet reader. I’m glad though that you came forward, and made your presence known. How lovely… Whenever you get inspired, feel free to write your long story. No story is too long for us to read. Fire away…

    Muhajirah, I didn’t read what Amy posted from the other website other than just to skim it briefly to approve it. Before you try to make sense of what the scholar or whomever wrote that Amy posted, I’d suggest you simply ask Allah to allow you to read the Quran, and to give you understanding of what you read. There are no contradictions in the Quran. Don’t use the footnotes either. Just read and Allah will teach you and give you the understanding you need, if you approach the Quran with sincerity, wanting to learn it and live it and no other reason. Once you do it, he will put you in the presence of those who know, so you could rehearse it together and remind one another.

    About what you ask with regard to hardship, Allah in the Holy Quran tells us who He punishes and who He tests. He tests the Believers. He punishes the Unbelievers. If a believer persists in sins the believer gets punished as well. Believers get tested and punished depending on the right and the wrong that we do.

    If the scholar or whomever from the other website made a blanket statement that a person has a difficult time because of his or her sin the scholar is wrong. The Prophets all had a difficult time. They all had hardship. They are our examples. Each and every one of them lived the word of Allah. Their hardship didn’t come because they sinned. Everyone who has a hardship doesn’t have it because they sinned. The Prophets were tested. Believers get tested as well. Believers have hardships, not because they sinned. They were tested.

    We all sin. Each and every one of us if we are an unbeliever or a believer. Allah is a Forgiving God. He forgives us for sins and He punishes us for our sins. We have to ask ourselves whether we reject faith or accept it. It determines whether we get punished or tested. Allah says for the believers He forgives all but the most heinous of sins. If a believer persists in sins, Allah will punish him. Allah is strict in punishment. He forgives some of our sins and He punishes us for some of our sins. He decides.

    We need to start at the beginning and concern ourselves with just entering Jannah/Paradise. Let’s concern ourselves with just trying to get there first, and not worry so much about what level we will be in. The more we worship Allah and obey Him will determine what rank we’ll be in in Jannah/Paradise. Let’s concern ourselves with not being thrown in the Hell Fire, and not be so sure we will enter Jannah/Paradise to the point we begin to think about what level we will be on. huh

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2015

    @Amy,

    You said your husband asked you for any conditions you’d like to impose before he marries another woman. I suggest you not make any CONDITIONS. It’s giving you authority that you don’t have. Allah says men may be polygamous and it’s good enough. It’s not for you to add any conditions.

    He should strive to obey Allah. Allah says be kind and just. To be just is next to piety. He says live with the wives on a footing of kindness and equity. Ask him to seek Patience from Allah.

    I think your husband is being considerate of you and kind in that he is speaking with you about his intention to marry another. When he speaks of conditions he may be asking your input as to what you think the schedule should be. What time you’d expect him to leave and return – shift change. How you’ll work out vacations and things of that nature. How you’d handle private time – limited text, emails etc during your and her time other than emergencies etc. Ask him to take the lead and be head of household. Ask him to step to the wife who tries to create problems in the union or abuse the other wife. You very well could ask him to take you to Hajj before he marries another. He could make his intention. Allah will ultimately decide.

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2015

    Amy,

    I know what you mean when you say it is very difficult to stay mindful that this life is about reaching Jannah/Paradise. We have a lot to think of and remember. We’ve been taught so much wrong and now we are trying to learn what is right. It’s not easy. Allah tells us to seek His help with patient perseverance and prayer. He goes on to say it is hard accept for those who bring a lowly spirit. It means we have to humble ourselves to Allah. We have to surrender and submit to His will. As long as we’re making life about ourselves; marriage; a husband; what we want and don’t want, we will have problems. Life is not about trying to get our wants, wishes and desires fulfilled here on this earth – It’s not for the Believers. It is for the unbelievers.

    You said you try to quash the thoughts that pop into your head by remembering Allah (Zikring), but it feel as though you are trying to avoid the issue. It is okay to avoid the issue. Allah says to remember Him. He didn’t say remember the the nonsense that Satan whispers to you.

    Remembering Allah involves more than just repeating His name. It’s knowing and remembering His attributes. It where the 99 names of Allah comes in. Zikring is about knowing and remembering Allah is All-Knowing, All-Wise, the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful, Oft-Forgiving, the Sustainer, and the 92 other attributes. It’s knowing this is His Dominion. He has the right to rule people. Only He has Power. Nothing can happen unless He wills it. There is only so much I can write here.

    You need to know that if Allah gives your husband another wife, it wasn’t your husband or the other wife’s decision. Allah decided. There is no Power or Might accept in Allah. It’s what He says.

    It’s all going to take a lot of time and hard work on ourselves. It’s going to take hitting the prayer rug and pleading, begging and imploring Allah for His help, as He is the Only One who can help us.

    “Nay, seek (Allah’s) help with patient perseverance and prayer: It is indeed hard, except to those who bring a lowly spirit,-” Quran: Surah 2, ayah 45

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2015

    Amy,

    There are some here who have performed Hajj. My husband and I did in Dec.2004/Jan.2005. Ummof4 did, twice, if I’m not mistaken. A brother did as well. I think it was “Maid Lover”. He went with his wife before taking a second wife. There was a sister here who performed Ummah. I can’t remember who it was. She hasn’t been here in a while. (It’s okay to perform Ummrah or Ummah and Hajj). There are so many people here who come and go and I can’t keep track of who is who any longer.

    I think it very good that you are considering going to Hajj. Insha Allah, you will go whether your husband intends to take another wife or not, as it is a duty on those who could afford it and are capable of the journey. There is a lot of good that come from performing Hajj we just don’t know what it is. Allah answers some of our prayers. I remember requesting a certain thing for another person and it came to fruition. I’d like to think it was because of my duahs.

    Amy, I think you have a very good attitude and you sound like many of us who want to do the right thing. You’re doing good. Whatever you do, don’t despair. One suggestion I’d make is instead of asking Allah not give your husband another wife, pray that Allah allows you to accept His decision whatever it is, if he grants your husband another wife or not. It would be more in line with accepting Allah’s decisions, and submitting to His will. If we submit to His will we have no will of our own.

    Sometimes we ask Allah for things that are bad for us and we don’t want what is good for us. Only He knows what is good or bad for us. As you stated, your husband marrying another could be a test for you that may help you to enter Jannah/Paradise. To ask that Allah not give your husband another wife wouldn’t be accepting what Allah decides. It’s expressing your preference and saying you don’t want to accept polygamy.

  • Muhajirah

    July 3, 2015

    As salam alaikum wa rahmatuAllah wa barrakatuh

    @ Amy

    Alhamdulillah i got the chance to go hadj with my husband, 9 years ago.
    SubhanAllah 9 years ago, how time goes …

    It was one of the best time in my life, and in my marriage!
    Do it if you can. In sha Allah it bring you closer to Allah,
    And also your relationship with your husband can be more deep again.

    If you have the chance, go! So many people wish it, and they don’t have
    The possibility.
    There is no way to think – if you can, GO!
    But one advice, without kids. Hadj is so hard.
    Not just mentally, also physically – you need all the power for yourself.

    May Allah give you whats the best for you, and make your situation easier.

    Wa alaikum salam

  • Muhajirah

    July 3, 2015

    As salamu alaikum wa rahmatuAllah wa barrakatuh dear sisters,

    Ramadan mubarak to all of you!
    I am reading interesting all your posts, and try to learn from your experiances. Still now i am a “quiet reader …” – but if time comes maybe i will be feel secure to write you my (long) story

    One thing make me thinking …
    If i understood right, Amy posted from a website if somebody have a difficult times in life it comes from sins.
    On the other side it says, that if somebody have hard times in life, Allah ta ala will test him and give the slave a higher stage in Djannah in sha Allah.
    Can somebody explain me? It hears for me like a contradiction.

    its interested me, bcause my life is hard since i was a child. Alhamdulillah, there was also sunny days for sure, but many times i feel so tired from life …
    I wish a had a chance to delete all my life book (especially in mind), and start on 0 again.

    I am so afraid about last day, its not i have no good deeds in my book,
    But like everybody there are also bad deeds! Some i am very shamefull about it, and wish never talk about them again.
    But last day our books will be open, our body will talk, and Allahu alem if
    Allah ta ala had accept our estirfar or good deeds …

    May Allah ta ala bless you all with the best in Dunja and Akhira.
    May Allah except our Dua and good deeds and give us the power we need to go on. Amin

    Salam alaikum

  • Amy

    July 3, 2015

    Ana,
    I like your comment on how allah shows people who he loves and wants to change their faults so they can work on them.
    I feel this fits me right now also.

    I am seeing some things I need to work on and am trying to change for the better. I am asking allah to help me do this. I have gotten frustrated with situations and kind of given up. Now I am telling myself. This is not right. I have to keep working at it.

    I am trying really hard to not only accept but think and believe in just accepting what ever happens as Allah’s decree and will and not try to let myself even question it or worry about it. I tend to be able to do this more easily with things like money matters and physical things. The emotional issues are so much harder. It is hard to keep the nafs quiet inside me. The why, how come, I don’t understand thoughts keep trying to pop up in my head. I am trying hard to not let them. To remember dikr when they do. This certainly can be hard. Sometimes it feels like avoiding the issues. It can feel like you are trying to escape and be outside yourself. But I know this is what satan wants from me. To worry. To think of all the things that can hurt me. I have to keep trying to remember allah and not let myself have thoughts and questions that I can’t understand it will hurt me.

    I have been able to go to taraweeh prayer almost every night this Ramadan. Alhumdillalah for that. That is definetly helping.

    Has anyone ever went to hajj with their husband? I am considering this right now. My husband has asked me for any conditions in regards to him getting married a second wife. And this one keeps coming up in my mind. My husband has went before and was with a very knowledgable group who stayed some time before and after the hajj to teach them many more things there. Part of me really feels that if he gets second wife this will be a very big test to me and my deen. And so he can help me try to get myself in little bit better situation wih my deen also by helping me go to hajj. Helping me to understand it while there. He is not good with patience. I feel it is fair for him to have to put his patience to the test also and help me with the hajj. I don’t have the money set aside for it. But I am sure that won’t be any issue for him. I know he would give he money with out a thought to go. So that shouldn’t be any issue.

    I also wonder if going to hajj will help a husband and wife develop a different layer to their relationship. I don’t have any ideas that if he were to go to hajj with me he will suddenly change his mind in thoughts of a second wife. That would be great but I don’t believe that.

    All the stuff I read about how allah gives people more tests and trials so that they will get to better place in the afterlife. It makes me think. It is hard. What if I pray and wish that he won’t get a second wife. And I convince him not to. But if it is what allah put in my path to help me get to a better level in heaven. The afterlife is suppose to be our goal in life. That can definitely be hard to keep in mind in situations where pain is very real and hard to handle in situations in this life.

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2015

    @Mari2, As Salaamu Alaikum

    It’s good to hear you are enjoying this Ramadan. It’s been an amazingly, WONDERFUL Ramadan thus far for me too. It may be the best ever for me yet. Everything is soooo easy, breezy. I’m enjoying every minute of it. Some days I find myself napping before break fast time – low energy. The hours are strange, but it’s fun.

    When you say you do okay and sometimes you screw up. I can relate to it. I’m doing some serious work on me. I realize I’m a habitual complainer which is waaay bad. I see myself complaining about just about EVERYTHING I see, everywhere. I got a glimpse of someone else complaining on a few different occasions and saw how ugly it was. It gave me a wake up call. So, I’ve been working on myself, imploring Allah’s help, as it’s the only way I’ll be able to get better.

    I am a firm believer in something I read in an Islamic book – when Allah wants good for a person, He exposes the person’s faults to him. It is so we could correct it. Those he doesn’t want good for, he lets them think what they are doing is okay. They don’t see what’s wrong with themselves and they don’t change. Next thing they know, it’s Judgement Day and they’ll be in the Fire. I don’t want it to be me. There’s an ayah in the Quran about how Satan makes a person’s wrongful, evil acts fair seeming – people do wrong, but don’t see it as such. They think what they do is okay.

    Insha Allah, enjoy the rest of your Ramadan and keep working on you. I’m going to keep working on me. I’ll be working on me till the day we die, Insha Allah.

    Over and out!

  • Mari2

    July 2, 2015

    I hope all my sisters are enjoying Ramadan. This has actually been a most blessed year for me despite the tests I have been through. I am ever thankful for Allah in my life and thank HIM for the strength HE provides. Allah has provided me with a decently good man and some tests of my own. Sometimes I do okay and sometimes I screw up. But each test makes me stronger as a person and for that I am grateful.

  • Mari2

    July 2, 2015

    @coco
    I figured long tongue wasn’t a compliment. But in all fairness to her my tongue can be long too. I just don’t accuse him of ruining my life. Nor do I demand money. My long tongue usually is in regards to issues of fairness or exasperation with his indecisiveness. She plays games. I just voice my opinion.
    You are right about the game playing by the women there. Last month thread I mentioned 2 contacted M to complain I said things to her bro. I was pretty annoyed when M told me what I supposedly said. The man is daft to believe I could complain about her behavior when I am not privy to that information. And I told him that. How can I know this? The only people who know are his sisters. Anything I do know would come from them. I told him that 2 really is so far removed from me that I don’t care if she cleans or not, wants to go home to better food etc. I did tell him that if he felt it necessary to return to Pakistan to deal with things, I would be okay with that. However,when he goes he must take his mom too. If I have him AND her so must 2. Justice.

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2015

    @ummo f4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Good to hear from you, Sis. Long time, no read you. I second what you said in welcoming all to stop in and chat about whatever suits their fancy. I’m on my phone, so this is a short reply.

    Thank you much, ummof4!

  • ummof4

    July 2, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    I pray that all of us who are observing Ramadan have our fasts and good deeds accepted by Allah and receive the promised rewards for them. I’ve been spending a lot of time in self-reflection and making du’ah this month, so there’s not much to say. But I’m still here and will jump in if I feel I can be of help to someone.The last 10 days of Ramadan are approaching fast, so let’s get ready for a lot of night salah and du’ah.

    Coco, glad you’re hanging around again. Calling Spirited, check in please, we miss you. And for all the other sisters, it’s okay to check in once in a while just to give salaams. I always assume that silence is good news; when a sister is silent she is okay in her marriage. But we can share good news and successes as well on this blog. It doesn’t have to be all gloom and doom.

  • coco

    July 1, 2015

    Ana
    Nothing but ❤️’s for you sister!! ☺️

  • coco

    July 1, 2015

    Mari2
    Oh gosh the gaggle of woman sound like a very scary and aggressive bunch!!! lol I am thankful I wouldn’t have to deal with all that and you sure must be too hehehe You’re spot on about “if” you had a daughter with him he would definitely go 50 shades of crazy as soon as she hit puberty and yes engage her to a cousin back home to “strengthen” family ties smh!!! It’s nice to know you and your husband are in a good place mashAllah I reckon your mother-in-law is back with you guys yeah? Well it’s good you are civil and quite kind to her it won’t go wasted you will surely be rewarded for respecting her and showing her regard, it’s something she will grow to treasure once she starts dealing with her “niece” on an every day to day basis. It takes iron to cut iron!!! lol That’s one thing I’ve learned about people in Pakistan is that they reallyyyyyy know how to play a huge mindf*** on people!!! There’s literally no winning with them and it’s wayyyyyyyy worse in villages the woman feed off of such games cuz they have nothing else better to do. So keeping yourself blocked and away is the route to take. Ohh about the “long tongue” hahahahahaha it is a common saying usually said by husbands to women who talk to much smack or cross boundaries of respect so yes not a good thing and he ain’t liking it much so I’m sure he will know how to set her straight cuz Pathan men don’t take lip from woman. NO WAY!!! hehehe ☺️ take care sister xo

  • anabellah

    July 1, 2015

    @coco, Wa Alaikum As Salaam & a big hearty hello to you too, my friend

    Hear!, hear! to all you said about this beautiful month of July. Ditto it. Good to see and read you my dear. :-)

  • coco

    July 1, 2015

    Assalaamualeikum and HELLO to all my lovely beings!!! ☺️
    Here’s to July… Hoping this month brings less tears and more joy for us all inshAllah
    Lots of love!!! xo
    ❤️

  • anabellah

    July 1, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our lovely blog family in cyberspace

    Welcome to a new discussion thread. We thank you all for joining us in another month of a mixture of serious talks, fun and laughter Toothless Chuckle We cry together and laugh together…