Polygamy 411 July 2016 Discussions

polygamy 411 July 2016 discussionsWelcome to our polygamy 411 July 2016 discussions. The polygamy 411 blog and support group is for all who have a positive interest in polygamy. We invite you all to join us here to talk about the topic. Feel free to discuss how it relate to your lives.

Our blog is not about how well anyone writes. It is not about punctuation, spelling, grammar, correct or incorrect English, or any of those things. Writing skills do not matter to us here. We urge all to express themselves in a way that is easy for them. We allow our writers to use symbols, as well.

When reading the polygamy 411 July 2016 discussions, please be mindful that we are global

When reading the polygamy 411 July 2016 discussions, please be mindful that people from all around the globe are with us here at polygamy 411. For many who are here, English is their second language. For the people for whom English is their second language and they write here, it is amazingly awesome. We only need to know how difficult it was, and is to learn our own language to know what it takes for people to learn a foreign one.

I’m fascinated by the readers and the writers here. I admire anyone who can speak or read a foreign language. I have hope that I will speak fluent Spanish one day before I leave the planet. Allah knows best if I will. There doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day to do all I’d like to do. I’m grateful for this blog. I thank Allah for it.

I am so delighted to have you all join our polygamy 411 July 2016 discussions

With a few exceptions, we welcome all on the planet to our home. We will not accept anyone who is against polygamy. We will not allow anyone to come here to ask people to hate polygamy. This is not a blog for those who reject polygamy as a way of life. For those whom we welcome, please share with us as much as you would like to share. Share what you are comfortable in sharing. We’d like to know your thoughts on what you read here, as well.

Most people feel uneasy when they write on a blog for the first time. I remember the first time I wrote on one. It felt strange. I felt as though people knew who I was. Today, many know who I am. It’s okay. In fact, there is a kind of freedom in being known. Let loose. Don’t worry so much about what others think of you. Be you. There is only one of you.

If you’ve missed reading any of the June 2016 discussions or would like to refresh your memory, the link to the thread is:

Polygamy 411 June 2016 Discussions

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polygamy 411 July 2016 discussions

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298 Comments

  • anabellah

    July 31, 2016

    This thread is now May 2016 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All,

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the July 2016 discussions and welcome in August 2016.

    Please join us at Polygamy 411 August 2016 Discussions

    July 2016 discussions

  • anabellah

    July 31, 2016

    Jasmina,

    You have a lot on the cap. Just because one business venture didn’t last means nothing. People try their hands at different business endeavors all the time. Some work and some doesn’t. Again, it’s a matter of perseverance. In the case of businesses, do one throw in the towel when a business doesn’t go as one plans or does one move on to the next, if the person has the financial resources etc to do so? It could be a test of perseverance and belief. Allah knows best. Everything goes according to Allah’s plan.

    About depression, I don’t know if you remember a sister who was here named Lynette. She had said this blog helped her more in a very short time than years of being in professional counseling. It’s Alhumdulliah. God is Great! It’s all about having the belief in Allah and the correct belief. One can only get it from the Quran and receiving understanding from Allah. Allah says He teaches.

    I believe going through a thing and being a complete mess when in a polygamous marriage that one initially didn’t want to be in is part of the purification of the soul. Being in a polygamous marriage could help one get on the Straight Path. It can change ones life for the better in this world’s life and one could find her life better than it’s ever been. She could find so much peace and joy in her life. You’re an example of it.

  • Jasmina

    July 31, 2016

    Karima

    i wasn’t always lol. It was very bad. It’s a process but it only happens when you want it and ask Allah for it. Allah has made me a positive person Alhamdulillah and grateful. How? By giving me challenges and opportunities to grow. If they were punishment then I suffered and thankfully it’s in this dunya and not akhira, if a trial then I learnt by failing and trying again and again until I got it and accepted Allahs Qadr but all in all I now feel it’s been Allah taking care of me so I get closer to Him. I read he gives us hardships when He loves us so we turn to him. I feel it. 

  • Jasmina

    July 31, 2016

    Thanks Karima and Ana

    yes i certainly know what life will be like without my husband as I have been there. It’s hard, people encourage you to divorce and they hang around for couple of weeks but then you are on your own, and it’s lonely, sad, and hard with a child. The only way would be if I really didn’t love him and was happier without him and we came to a mutual understanding to separate peacefully or if he was physically abusive or cheated or left Islam or did drugs. Even then only Allah knows what would truly happen, we really have no say, Allah plans out our life. 

    Ana even if it does get to that, definitely, I will leave a richer person. I am cured of depression, cured of bitterness and hate, I am grateful and more accepting, I have come closer to Allah. I am thankful of the challenges I have faced in my life and believe it or not I would not change a thing as without it I wouldn’t be grateful of what Allah has given me. That triumph indeed feels great, I’m a winner with or without my husband. Alhamdulillah. You remember I was a complete mess lol. 

    I did start a business as a back up plan 6 months ago and three consecutive months I’ve hit my targets however Im now facing my first challenge and it could be closing as I relied on one supplier who is closing. SubhanAllah anyhow Alhamdulillah I know I can use my skills to get ahead if I had to do it on my own.

  • anabellah

    July 31, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I second what Karima said. You know your marriage better than any of us. You went the divorce route from him before, and you found it didn’t work for you. You know what you’re up against, so fight the good fight. Keep turning to Allah for His help and guidance. Patiently persevere and pray.

    Your husband must be going through an awful lot in having so much opposition from his family, his other and his others mother. He’s going to have to learn to put his faith and trust in Allah. One thing I can say, he didn’t fold as a whole lot of husbands do in situations such as his.

    As I said before, I notice a positive difference in you. It was a long uphill battle, but you triumphed. Regardless of what becomes of your marriage, you have made great strides in what really matters most – your belief in Allah. Alhumdulliah. No one can take that from you.

    Don’t for a minute think that his other and those who oppose you and polygamy are getting away with anything. They don’t oppose you; they oppose Allah. Allah sees and knows all things.

  • Karima

    July 31, 2016

    Alhamdulellah sis Jasmina i admire you for Being streadfast n Positive no matterwhat the outcome will be

  • Jasmina

    July 31, 2016

    Or oh people from her country do such and such or remember when this happened hmm I wonder whose fault it was oh yeah Jasmina. Or I don’t know but it’s subtle. I don’t think they are direct.

    i will soon find out just where I stand in his heart and if he is willing to protect me. Shits gonna hit the fan soon and I will be standing back and watching what he does. It will be defining for us.

    umm2 yes that’s right, and it’s the reason we got divorced in the past. He remarried me despite his parents disapproval and it seems it’s been a never ending battle for him. Put it this way, they live 30 minutes away and he has not been to their home ever since we remarried. He always told me they liked me and that he is busy and what not but recently I found out that they hate me and disapproved of our marriage together, they didn’t come to our Walima and my husband told me they were sick. My husband doesn’t know that I know how much they dislike me and that I know how bad they talk of me and plot against me. 

    I’m sticking to my marriage because I still care for my husband and my life is still better than when we were divorced. Having said that we shall see what happens soon because there’s only so much a woman can take. He has sllllooooowly been stepping up to the plate and things were getting better. 

    The important thing is that I’m still happy and focusing on Allah 

    Thank u for your support all.

  • Jasmina

    July 31, 2016

    Ana that’s exactly what I thought after my post that I’m justifying it. 

    Anyhow about self esteem I have been in the pits before. I was suicidal. I had no self worth. With the help of Allah I see life differently now. I am a happy person despite the challenges. Alhamdulillah. I will never go back to that dark time again inshallah. I have the strength to know my worth and demand respect and if all fails no matter what I have not lowered my own thoughts of myself if that makes sense. 

    Like I said they are subtle, for example they might say something like ohh remember when she did xyz

  • Umm of2

    July 31, 2016

    Jasmina sis that’s so sad to know your husband does not stand up to his other wife and mother who continue to cause rift raft between you two. That’s what shaitan does he does everything he possibly can to cause such havoc between a married couple. Your husband needs to be a man and put his foot down. Is he pakistani? Because we have learnt here how the men there worship their mothers like mini gods. The mother tells her son who to marry when to marry and in your case when to divorce. If he is you probably don’t have a chance getting through to him. We are here for you either way. 

  • anabellah

    July 31, 2016

    Jasmina,

    You may be just trying to rationalize your husband’s behavior. He’s accountable for what he does although he may be influenced by his other, his mother and mother-in-law, if that’s the case. It’s still no excuse for the way treats you. He’s the one who listens to them and entertains what they say instead of putting them in their place. He apparently isn’t telling them that you are his wife and not to disrespect you and if they have nothing good to say about you, say nothing at all.

    You said that he probably repeats what they said. Even so, for him to repeat it, he must believe it. It’s no excuse for him to treat you the way he does and you need to acknowledge that. It’s my take on it, for what it’s worth.

  • Jasmina

    July 31, 2016

    My husband and I lost total respect for each other because of the past which I have talked about before and it took a year and a half to sort it out and get to a better place in our marriage. We experienced peace, love and let go of our bitterness towards each other for months. But since I’ve learnt of the others intentions and their mothers all putting pressure on him to leave me I can tell that he is starting to let it get to him and cracking.  They are poisoning his heart towards me, it’s very obvious as I felt some of the things he said were not his words but him repeating some of what he must be hearing.

    He thinks he is strong but he is so weak and easily manipulated by very conniving women.  The biggest problem is that they are so sly he doesn’t get what they are doing and because it affects me in terms of how he treats me and the amount of time he spends with me, I react. And I react so badly because I feel hurt and then i look like the bad guy and then I realise I fell in the trap. Like right now I know he is there on my time and I’m so tempted to storm by there or call him a hundred times but I know this is just what these women want. 

    Anyhow yes I am being patient for now for a very good reason which I so badly want to share but it’s just too revealing as I think she reads this blog or maybe I’m paranoid. 

    After this thing happens then I will know for sure what I need to do, or better yet, what he is going to do. 

  • anabellah

    July 30, 2016

    We need to be mindful of what Allah stated about what people say.  Allah lets us know in the Holy Quran that what slides off a person’s tongue lets one know what is in the person’s heart. He says what is in the person’s heart is far worse. If a person says something hurtful to another, what he really thinks and feels is far worse. We need to listen closely to what people say and not dismiss it or minimize it.

    A person could say he or she was only joking. Allah let us know in the Quran as well that what a person says as a joke is oftentime true.

    Allah lets us know so much so that we could use it to make a judgement call. Nothing is said as a pastime or as entertainment. It’s for our use in life to guide us.

    Jasmina needs not to make excuses for what her husband said. A person can say he or she is sorry. The person most likely is sorry about what he or she said because the person didn’t want known what was said. It goes back to the saying that what Allah wants revealed no one can conceal and what Allah wants concealed, no one can reveal.

  • Karima

    July 30, 2016

    Salam dear Sisters

    Jasmina I really hope it’s not cancer!!   Inshallah it’s not my dear Sis.

    i agree with sis Ana, it could be you are not ready yet to leave him or leave each other but if that’s what’s written for u once U reach ur limits n make ur intent then u could get out.

    i hope it was one bad moment that made him say nasty things to you :( I can only imagine how much it hearts….

    ur are in my duas . Try to focus on u more my dear pray make Dua ask for Allahs help guidance n a way out if thats what u want.

    i can also relate to Umm of 2 post when it comes to low self esteem…. But you are young my dear, your whole life is ahead of you if you want to divorce but are scared to do so.

    only you can make a decision by the will of Allah

  • anabellah

    July 30, 2016

    I see it that no one can do anything unless or until Allah decides. It’s why people find themselves in situations or stuck in a relationship that they feel or think they just can’t seem to get out of. They actually feel stuck. Only Allah knows why He has the person in it.

    Maybe, I don’t know, but maybe, Jasmina, Allah is preparing you to leave the marriage. Maybe He is getting ready to take you up out of it, which could be why he allowed you to hear such awful terrible things come from your husband’s mouth about you.

    Perhaps you didn’t make your intention before to leave and didn’t feel it in your heart because you still loved your husband and didn’t want to leave. You hadn’t made it your intention. You weren’t ready. Now, you’re feeling a lack of love for him and maybe nearing the time to leave. Maybe you’ll leave him or he will leave you.

    Allah has it planned out for you. He tells us to exercise patience in all that betides us. Why does He tell us it? Because He’s got a plan.

    No one can act until Allah says BE, and then it is. Jasmina, you’ll know when to act and what the action will be. Allah will show you. Don’t despair.

  • Umm of2

    July 30, 2016

    I pray it is not cancer sis jasmina and if so I hope it is benign 

  • Umm of2

    July 30, 2016

    There’s a time to be patient and there’s a time to run for the hills. Don’t confuse the two

  • Umm of2

    July 30, 2016

    Jasmina I’m sorry but your husband sounds to be a little bi*ch. what kind of man rips his own wife to shreds with his words. That’s usually a female thing. Words cut so deep and deciding to be emotionally detached from your husband is not a marriage it’s no way to live. You need to really consider becoming independent and learn to live without him and his insults and abusive behaviour. He is completely controlled by his other wife and his mother. He refuses after all this time to see what a manipulative conniving monster of a second wife he’s married to that continues to plot and plan against u.  Enough is enough. It seems to me you have really low value of yourself. What does he have to do or say for u to finally realise u need to pack your bags

  • Jasmina

    July 29, 2016

    Jazakallah khair sister Ana

     

     

  • anabellah

    July 29, 2016

    Jamina,

    Insha Allah, it’s not breast cancer. I will make duah for you. Stay optimistic that it is benign.

    I’m sorry to hear your husband has been acting like a jackass. It’s the last thing you need right now.

    Ladies, we all need to try to stress less. Stress could be a huge cause of health issues. We need to take care of us and do whatever we can to alleviate stress in our lives.

    Stay strong, Sis Jamina. We’re here for you https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif  {{{hugs}}}

  • Jasmina

    July 29, 2016

    The moment when you pretty sure your husband doesn’t and probably never really had loved you and you get hurt by it a little but generally you just couldn’t give a $h!@ anymore…. Soo much relief. I think I’m officially separated from him emotionally. Emotionally detached! It’s a good feeling. Yeah the love happy home dreams are done and dusted. 

    We had a huge fight the other night yeah he must have said the most hurtful things, but I didn’t respond so he kept on going and going. I am stunned he dislikes sooo much about me. But yeah whatever. Just venting!

    Alhamdulillah 

    alhamdulillah

    other than that I have a 2 inch lump on my chest wall and I’m very worried it’s breast cancer. I had an US and will be going in for biopsy this coming week inshallah. I was worried but not anymore inshallah it won’t be serious and it will be benign.

     

    sallams

     

     

  • Umm of2

    July 28, 2016

    Welcome umm zul 

    sister Ana said it all so nicely. May Allah bless her

  • anabellah

    July 28, 2016

    Umm Zui, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I’m curious. If you don’t mind me asking, did you meet your husband online?

  • Karima

    July 28, 2016

    Sis Ana

    your reply to Umm ZUm is very helpful to me too a great reminder . Much love to you sis thank you for everything 

  • Karima

    July 28, 2016

    Salam Ana

    husband is weak n a lier n yes he s doing what he does to fulfill his needs n desires he s taking the good from me n her we complete the puzzle for him.

     I know that islamically it’s his right but nothing should be kept a secret if they are married, n he is secretive n avoiding real conversations cause he s hiding stuff.  I don’t want to know details just a yes or no lol

    last Time I spied n checkd his phone, I’m not proud of that, I read her messages saying u are with your wife n family u are happy n I’m alone n again u are writing to me telling me what I need u don’t care ok then it’s over I don’t want anything t do with u. His reply was u know I care.

    he has portrayed her as a lost soul a woman in need. Who has no one for her just him n his kindness care support n all. Anyways maybe now she changed or maybe she said will n once she becomes Muslim prrhaps then he will say the truth . 

    in the past her behaver was cheap I never contacted her out of the blue. She started everything . Anyways enough her we know a woman desperately in love can do silly stuff.  I just once texted her If she’ll have a baby Girl her son in law would act like my husband and her behind her daughters back. How she would feel?

  • anabellah

    July 28, 2016

    Ummi Zul, Wa Alaikum As Salaam. Welcome!

    I’m happy you’ve found our blog and I’m hopeful that we will be helpful to you.

    First of all, I was stunned when you said your husband told you that you need to lower your gaze when you confronted him about the nude pics that he and the women were sending back and forth to each other. Allah clearly in the Holy Quran tells us not to tell others not to do something and we do it. It’s hypocritical. Your husband needs to lower his gaze. Allah tells us who we can see in the state of undress. Those women whose private parts he looks at our not his wives. They are not lawful for him. It’s the same with Muslims who look at porn. It’s an abomination.

    You said that you don’t want to be in a polygamous marriage with any unbelieving women. I think it’s safe to say that you wouldn’t want to be in a polygamous marriage with any woman. Being in a polygamous marriage even with a Muslim co-wife is difficult. It hurts and it’s painful, regardless of who the woman is. I’ve heard here on this blog from many who are Muslim women with Muslim co wives. Polygamy is not embraced by the average Muslim woman. If a woman finds herself in a polygamous marriage, it entails a process to acceptance. So, although you think you’d be okay with a Muslim co-wife, I beg to differ based on what I’ve come to know of how it usually goes. But, anyhow, cross that bridge when and if it happens.

    You asked what you should do. It’s not a question anyone here can answer. You’re going to have to turn to Allah for the answer. You’ve been married to him for two years. You’re expecting a child. I assume you love your husband. It’s easy for someone to tell you to pack your bags and leave him. Only you know if you want to do that, if you have the resources to do it and a place to go etc. So we can’t tell you what to do other than to turn to Allah for help, as He’s the One who decides. Maybe He wants you to remain in the marriage as a test for a while. Maybe things will change for the better or the worse. Only Allah knows.

    You know what your husband is doing is terribly wrong and I could only imagine how hurtful it is for you to know he indulge in such wrongdoing. A wife needs to look at her husband realistically. Islam is a religion of purity, chastity and virtue. Allah says He places abomination on unbelievers. I believe that it’s an abomination when people look at naked pics of people who are not their spouses, which includes watching porn is an abomination. It’s a curse. People tend to think that just because a person says he or she is a Muslim that it makes him or her so. They think that it elevates the person, but it isn’t necessarily so.

    Many Muslims are Muslims in name only and share all the characteristics of unbelievers. We always look at the men and their behavior. The wives need to look at themselves as well. Not whether she stoops to the low and become the lowest of the low by having sex with multiple men and such. It’s more of has she neglected her responsibilities and duties to Allah. Many find it easy to start living Islam properly when they are in a serious jam. SIGH We’re quick to say that one is probably going through a trial. No one wants to think much about punishment, but Allah says His punishment is severe. He gives people long respite and then comes His wrath when we don’t do as He says.

    We’re here for you, if you want to talk more. {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    July 28, 2016

    Karima,

    About the terrible things that your husband says to you about the other woman, I dislike when husbands badmouth their wives. No wife wants to be degraded and demeaned by the man whom she loves. It’s wrong for the husband to lie to one wife about the other wife to make the one feel better than the other. He pits wife against wife. It wasn’t the way of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and he is our example. Islam is a religion of brotherhood (and sisterhood). Polygamy should bring respect to the wives and lift them all up, not tear them down.

    Your husband has painted a very negative picture of the other woman, as needy, desperate and a crazed stalker. It’s wrong. You best believe he has probably said some not so nice things to her about you too. It’s all very sad and wrong of him and the many men like him that does it. Men in polygamous marriages are known to tell wives what the wives want to here. Some will tell the one wife that he loves her more than the other or he is only with the other because of some need she has. Many Muslim polygamous men are known to lie, based on what I’ve heard over the years on this blog. They usually are with the women because each of the women serve some need for them (the men) and satisfy their (the men) desires.

    I could imagine how your husband’s other feels about him keeping her as a secret and not acknowledging what role she plays in his life. If she knows the terrible things that he says about her (if you have told her) it wouldn’t make her feel good about herself. It definitely wouldn’t inspire any warm and fuzzy feeling in her for you.

    I totally get what you have said. I think you’re on the right track that if you’re going to stay with your husband, you should embrace the good that you can gather from remaining in the marriage. Stay grounded by being focused on Allah and don’t put your faith and trust in your husband. Try to protect your soul as best you can from all the wrong that your husband does and is involved in. You need to seek Allah’s help, guidance and protection, not only from all that is evil, but from your husband as well.

  • anabellah

    July 28, 2016

    Karima,

    I think you did very good in not giving in to the temptation to record a conversation between you and the other woman. Besides it hurting your soul by recording it without her knowledge of it, I don’t think you would gain anything from it. As you, yourself, stated, he will only deny anything that she says. Furthermore, there is no way for you to know if what she says is the truth.

  • anabellah

    July 28, 2016

    Karima,

    What you said makes sense. I understand your frustration with how your husband is conducting his relationship with you and the other woman whom we think is his wife. I agree with you that he should have “the balls to do it respectfully.” It’s so sad that many Muslim men, not only your husband, take advantage of the privilege to be polygamous. They live polygamy in such a disrespectful way. They disrespect Islam, themselves and the women who love them. They carry on the way that is not Islamic and not the way of a “Muslim”. Allah named us “Muslim”. There is no reason for them to hide wives or lie to them. The privilege to have more than one wife is to make us moral and decent. It should eliminate the need to behave as non-Muslims do. At times I only see no difference in the way many Muslim men conduct themselves and non-Muslim men do. There is suppose to be a distinct difference. Sadly in many there isn’t.

  • Ummi ZUL

    July 27, 2016

     Asalaam alaikum sisters i been married in my second marriage for always 2 years we are expecting our first child together i am 42 he is 34.From the time we got married until now my husband have stay on social media constanly numerous dating profiles not islamic, keep in contact with some of the women he use to date before he was muslim.they send him nude pictures back and forth.i questioned him about it and he said i need to lower my gaze , the quran says he can marry christians and others .he even said he was dawah with them but in everything i found with him dealing with them was no islam .just sex talk and talking to them about their dunya lifestyles and even told them some of my personal business because he knew them longer he claims.what should i do ?i dont want to be in a pologamy marriage with any unbeliving women.

  • Karima

    July 27, 2016

    Sometimes I thought meeting with her record our conversation n have proof of her side of the story. Then I realise husannd could lie refuse everything n say she’s desperate about him cause he s Hardley seeing her n avoiding her so it’s a trick to break us apart. 

    N heto give him time to get rid of her- basically what he s been saying so far. 

    Then i realise who am I to wanna control him n this situation? I can’t play God astagfirullah n spying n finding out stuff could be more harmful than leaving everything to the hands of Alllah believing he wrote the script n trust his wisdom( that’s sthng that Ana I think would say..)

    Inshallah everything will come to light when Allah wills

  • Karima

    July 27, 2016

    I’m trying not to contact him unless he does n he’s texting every day n calling every second day aprox but of course is mainly because of the kids!!! We r going back in two weeks inshallah….

    i think next week he’s travelling dor 5 days with her as I found on the big computer that he was looking to make a booking… Lol… Let him go if she’s the secret or not so secret wife at least they are married- lying to me is a small sin- n only Allah knows what’s really happening n why- if she’s the lover worse for their soul- if he’s going with someone else even worse- I really start to prefer that they are married- lol!!!

    sorry if I’m giving u all a headache 

  • Karima

    July 27, 2016

    I try to say to myself as long as I have my freedom to do what I want , to raise the kids how I want, islamically( but of course I need him n he’s there for them) as along as he provides n we go on the weekends here n there as a family I should say alhamdulellah. N I should say it more.  I want t share things with him talks conversations feel that our soul n mind meet , but maybe I’m silly romantic n expect him t be my girlfriend lol

  • Karima

    July 27, 2016

    I should forgive I wanna forgive but my ego n pride is rebelling if you know what I mean….Ana said its not about me my desires n wants… Cause I want him t come n tell me yes I married her or I plan to! N to help me through it. He asked me for my help cause he is weak n he might continue being in contact with her from time t time. He portraid her as someone obsessed with him going after him non stop no matter if he blocked her from social media.  I think he is lying.he put the blame on her.  He said I never promised her anything. That’s even worse cause then maybe h just took advantage to her. When I was unavailable or busy with kids or not well or I don’t know what he wAs finding comfort in her??? I understand now about having many wives is a privilege but cmon have the balls to do it respectfully even if im against it. Originally I was now I am not. Truth is more important to me. Cause now I’ll go back n routine will start again n I won’t know is he smoking sisha after work or going to her? Satan will be whispering…. 

    Does it make sense?

  • Karima

    July 27, 2016

    Sis Tasliyman

    im not offended I always love ur posts mashallah

    sis Ana wrote many times I should let go leave the matter in Allah s hand cause it could be the time hasn’t come yet to know the truth. N she n Ummof2 said to consider them as married

    I cannot control H behaviour n keep asking for answers.  I don’t know what s happening I have suspicions I know they are in contact I know she loves him n wants him he admitted it. So yeah I think indirectly he gave me all signs to believe they are married though he denied it many times…

     

  • Tasliyman

    July 27, 2016

    Please Ana, I am in desperate need of daily reminders that we should always do things for the sake of Allah.

    Don’t apologise for the reminders https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Tasliyman

    July 27, 2016

    Karima

    From your posts it looks to me like you are struggling to forgive your husband for the pain that he has caused you through his actions.

    Perhaps if you look at this from a different perspective it might help you to let go of the hurt and pain.

    What you must keep in mind is that you husband is a human being (just like us wives) who was placed on earth for the same purpose as we are – to serve Allah. He is also faced with trials and tests from Allah. When he met the other woman he’s test could possibly be how he was going to deal with her. If/when he realised he had feelings for her he could have made her his wife the permissible way or keep in his life in way that is not permissible.

    How he treated you when this occurred could also have been another test. Did he treat you in a truthful and respectful way or did he resort to lies and deceit?

    As all of us will be held accountable for the way we conduct our affairs and treat other people in our lives, so too he will be held accountable.

    Your test could be how you handle this difficult time – are you going to turn to Allah for help and accept the guidance you receive from Him or continuously blame your husband for breaking your trust (when your trust should in the first place have been placed in Allah instead of your husband)?

    I just want to mention that I am not implying that what happened is not a big deal.  It’s obviously a matter with huge consequences on your life and emotional state.  But don’t forget that no problem is ever too big for Allah.

    I am talking to myself here even more than to you. I am guilty of placing my husband on a pedestal then being disappointed if he does not live up to my expectations.

    I understand your hurt and disappointment and I’ve been there too. I just feel that in order to heal and grow you need to find a way to let go of the pain.

    Please forgive me if my assumptions are wrong, this is what I’ve derived from your posts. I would not have taken the liberty to write this to anybody else as they might easily take offence. But I admire the fact that you are always open to advice and suggestions and you constantly show that you want to make a change in your life.

    I wish you all the best.

     

  • Karima

    July 27, 2016

    Sis Ana

    if only you knew how much comfort I find in your post n the other ladies advice too.  I don’t mind if someone may seem harsh or strict with me at times as I can feel they mean good n better to get upset n make some positive self criticism than having people saying nicely allthe wrong things.  We are human we sowmtimws have a bad day n all or feel overwhelmed n upset for so many reasons. Running this blog is huge for you. N u do it so well! I like you n love u just the way you are mashallah. Alhamdulellah I feel better. N yes better that post of mine disappeared it sounded too cry baby n I have flaws Too not only H. 

  • anabellah

    July 27, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    I don’t mean to beat you over the head with mentioning to do things with Allah in mind. I just say it as a reminder cuz I know we lose focus sometimes. My wali reminds me often for which I am grateful to Allah cuz I forget and get off track some times.

    Insha Allah, I’ll be able to get back to you about your other post. I’ve got a busy days ahead, but will try to respond as soon as possible.

    You’re not alone with having an impure heart. I do, too. But we’re working on ours; so we’re ahead of the game. Alhumdulliah!

  • anabellah

    July 27, 2016

    Karima,

    I’m so sorry to hear your post went missing. l know how upsetting it can be. It has happened to me enough to know what it’s like. I was brought to tears about it a number of times. Maybe it was meant for you not to say it. You could make a list for yourself of what you tolerate and comprise about and reflect to yourself about why you do it. Is it for Allah to be pleased with you or for your husband to love you more? etc

  • anabellah

    July 27, 2016

    Those emoticons have me cracking up laughing, too. They have me dying laughing at times. Who ever designs them has skills.

  • Karima

    July 27, 2016

    Sis Ana

    i wrote a long lost on sthng which I tolerate … N it disappeared.imso upset!!!! I’ll try ton write later about it

  • Karima

    July 27, 2016

    I have to admit my heart is impure … I mean I have negative feelings for H n that woman but I keep it to myself n inshallah it will get better

    i understand sis Ana I should do everything for Allah live my life for Allah that’s the only way that’s why I’m here to submit to him…it’s hard for me still but I would like to reach to that point inshalah

  • Karima

    July 27, 2016

    I need to share This n pls correct me if im wrong

    i know I should start again doing romantic unexpected stuff for H.  Though my ego hurts n stomach gets hard in a knot… Last years I tried sometimes n last year since she contacted me n had huge fights n discussions with H I tried to put more wood on the fire lol. 

    But…. Like this doesn’t H think ok no matter how hurt n upset she is due to my lies n dishonesty, no matter what I promised her but cannot keep it, she is still trying for me to like her love her n all…. How stupid she is…. She must really love me… Though I did dishonest things behind her back….though she’s begging me to answer the question whether or not I’m married to the other one or she’s the mistress or I will marry her or I’m messed up or I don’t know what…. Wow I hit the jackpot …. The perfect wife to stand by me no matter what…. So I can keep doing what I have n I’ll always have this stupid low self esteem wife running after me…. A woman that left her country family friends career job opportunities so she can make it wrong between us… Heck I never asked her to… It’s not my fault she did all those things – she did them by herself – she shouldn’t blame me….

    could it be that he is thinking all that for me??? Could it be he’s thinking where is her pride? Why she is not leaving me?

    or all these are silly questions coming from a lost soul who put all her love faith n trust to H- a man, n not to Allah the controller of everything?

    he said in the past in the heat of the moment that he sees I’m trying to be different for 3-4 days n then I’m going back to my usual behavior… Well excuse me for not seeing any changes on him either!!!

    anyways it could be that I’m wrong or missing the point or both:(

  • Karima

    July 27, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum

    Ana Mara S Jasmina Ummof 2 thank you for Your valuable advice. I need to re read everything many times … 

    May Allah bless you all and give u ease happiness n Jennah?

  • Umm of2

    July 27, 2016

    Those emojis are hilarious  LOL

  • anabellah

    July 26, 2016

    Karima,

    I’m with umm of 2 and Marah S. You’ve got to do stuff to move your marriage, ignite the flame and spice it up. As Marah S said, it may not be that easy if you’re not feeling your husband (feeling the love for him) right about now. In time with the right attitude and in turning your attention to Allah, you’ll begin to feel better. In the meantime, I hope you’re laying off those snacks Got My Mouth Full Eating take it easy.

  • Marah S

    July 26, 2016

    Karima,

    i think most marriages go through boring stages. I had the same problem a while ago, hubby and I had fallen into a routine and we barely even spoke anymore unless, It was about what we’re going to eat or if we need anything. The ladies here gave me some good advice, to just try and spice things up. Since then I feel like I’m married to a different man. We can sit and talk for hours, it almost feels like we’re back in that honeymoon phase. So maybe you can try some different things to spark up a bit of romance between you and your husband. Leaving him sweet messages or notes, greeting him at the door when he comes home from work, wearing pretty outfits, or his favorite perfume, making his favorite food. These are just some ideas. I imagine it might be hard for you since you’re not too happy with him right now, but a little goes a long way. 

  • Karima

    July 26, 2016

    ASsalamu aleykum and thank u all for your replies. I ám learning a lot from You Alhamdulellah ,,. I went back reading older posts n that helped a lot.  So Mány wonderful Ladies are here mashallah ,.  I have a lot to digest… Inshallah it will get better

  • anabellah

    July 26, 2016

    Karima,

    Lastly, you asked is the solution to improving a marriage “compromise” and “tolerance”. It depends on what you are compromising and being tolerant for. If the wife is compromising and being tolerant to improve her marriage, then it’s not the solution. If she’s compromising and being tolerant to grow nearer to Allah with hope that He will be well pleased with her and she will rack up good deeds to help her enter Jannah/Pardise then compromise and tolerance is good. Her marriage should naturally improve as a result. Everything should be done seeking the good pleasure of Allah, not for one’s own pleasure, nor someone else pleasure.

    Is there something in particular you think you are compromising and being tolerant of? I think being tolerant of a husband being polygamous should be done to accept Allah’s decision – not to make oneself or the husband happy. She will become happy, if she does everything to seek the good pleasure of Allah, to submit to His will and to accept all of His decisions.

    If a wife is being tolerant because she simply thinks it’s what a Muslima should do and it’s the only reason she’s doing it, it’s useless and won’t bear good fruit. One has to ask oneself what the truthful reason is for doing something.

  • Umm of2

    July 26, 2016

    Karima

    hubs and I talk about everything, who’s picking kids up from school, dinner that day, politics, house renovations, car servicing etc. Whatever is happening at the moment. If you feel your marriage is same o it’s up to you to reignite that flame sis. Be daring do something out of the box and keep your fingers crossed :) try new things with hubs, date night, create new memories you only live once

    always remember to thank Allah. He gives us so much on a daily basis. HE deserves our thanks and gratefulness every second of everyday. You are more fortunate than most

  • anabellah

    July 26, 2016

    MOST men aren’t going to talk about their feelings because it not what they do. it’s what women do. Women and men are not alike.

    It has been said that there are some men who are more in touch with their feminine side and talk more. When I was non-Muslim, I had a male friend whom I liked talking with. He used to talk about how he felt about things and what was happening in his marriage etc. Sometime, every now and again, I think about the platonic friendship that we had.  We talked about a whole realm of topics.

    It’s been said that men and women can be best friends when they aren’t married and boundaries are set, and if the spouses are understanding.  Many men and women who end up divorce become best friends once they are no longer in an intimate relationship.

    Women need to remember that there is a difference between women and men and the wife shouldn’t expect to have the relationship with him like one that which she has with a girlfriend.

     

  • Umm of2

    July 26, 2016

    Sis Ana I’m reading your post about what’s routine in a marriage like yeah yeah. You stole ALL the words out of my mouth Sis. Well written 

  • anabellah

    July 26, 2016

    Karima,

    You asked if there is a recipe for a good marriage and can a marriage be improved. I say, yes. The recipe is in the Holy Quran. The meaning of life is in the Holy Quran. How to have peace, contentment and tranquility in one’s life is in the Holy Quran. One has learn from the stories in the Holy Quran about Allah’s prophets and live the Quran. Each person has to do it for him or herself. There are no short cuts.

  • anabellah

    July 26, 2016

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I think everything becomes routine, if it’s done often enough. It includes marriage. Do men talk about more than just the routine. I think we all talk about what is routine. My husband is going for his Doctorate degree right now and he speaks to me about the course and his assignments. I expect it to be routine until he graduates. Anything can become monotonous after a while. In marriage, it’s on the spouses to bring excitement in the marriage.It amounts to doing something differently. Probably most spouses embrace routine to a degree. I like routine in my marriage and I think my husband does, as well. He doesn’t complaint that anything is monotonous and boring.

    About men being talkative. It probably depends on the man. In reading about relationships, in particular books written by Dr. Gray, I’ve learned that men don’t want to talk about their relationship. They just want to be in one and live it. I think when women are unhappy in a relationship, they want to talk about it. Men may become uneasy with it because they think something is wrong and they have to fix it or just don’t want to deal with it. When women say they want to talk about a relationship, it causes many men anxiety.

    I think women who are new to a polygamous marriage want to talk about it, about the co, about feelings etc. It’s quite normal because the wife is insecure at that point. It’s understandable; her husband is involved with another woman, which usually means he’s in love with another woman. So for a woman to feel compelled to talk about where she stands in her marriage and what is going on with him in another marriage is quite normal. All is new. It hasn’t become routine yet.

    I think most couples do talk about what they will eat, buy and do. What else is there to talk about. Depending on the level of education, couples will talk politic and what’s happening in the world. The upcoming presidential election is a topic that my husband and I discuss daily, especially since we just begun to watch the National Democratic Convention. But, yes we talk about what we’re going to have for dinner and what probably many couples talk about. It is what marriage is about in my opinion. I don’t talk with my husband about future plans because I’m not a planner other than where we’ll vacation when one is coming up for us. All that Aazoo spoke of is foreign to me because I tend to stay in the moment. I only plan for what is immediate. I’m not one to run off to the store and try stock up on food and water when a snow storm is forecast. It’s just me.

  • Jasmina

    July 26, 2016

    Hi Ana

     

    thank you, I do feel like a different person.

    having said that the struggle does continue but my way of looking at it and also my reaction to it is better Alhamdulillah.

    For example my husbands family and his wife are putting so much pressure on him that it seems they are prohibiting him from doing much with me. Like going out, but he won’t say so he has resorted to gaslighting me on past three outings so I won’t want to go out again. I know him well enough to know this is what he is doing 

  • Jasmina

    July 26, 2016

    Karima 

    yep that’s my marriage. I learnt to shift my focus on other things and just ignore my husband whom doesn’t know how to treat a good woman 

  • Karima

    July 26, 2016

    ASsalamu aleykum

    is there a recipe to a good marriage? Even if there are co wives or secret wives or lovers involved?  Can a marriage be improved ? Is the solution of compromise n tolerance the only way?  Are most men not talkative non Sharing thought feelings n future plans? Do most men just do small talk of every day routine n that’s it?   Do most couples just talk about what we will eat what kids need to buy n that’s it?  Or is it just my marriage like that?

  • anabellah

    July 25, 2016

    Salaamu Alaikum All :-)

    Jasmina

    Thanks for sharing your journey and progress with us. You’ve done so well with the help and permission of Allah. You sound like such a different person. We’ve all have come such a longs ways. Your post should inspire newbies to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. The struggle and battle is well worth it :-)

    Marah S,

    Thank you so much for sharing the beautiful ayah from the Quran :-) It’s helpful!!!

  • Karima

    July 25, 2016

    Salam sis Jasmina Your post touched me thanks for sharing,!!!

  • Marah S

    July 25, 2016

    Wow Laylah what an amazing change. Your post brought me to tears. You are such a beautiful person, congratulations on baby number six!! That is so exciting. 

    I came across these Ayat yesterday and I immediately thought of you ladies, and they go perfectly with what Jasmina and Laylah are saying. 

    Allah says “Seek help in patience and prayer; and truly it is hard, save for the humble-minded, Who know that they will have to meet their Lord, and that unto Him they are returning” {baqarah; 45&46}

     

     

  • Jasmina

    July 25, 2016

    So many newly polygamous people in the blog. I remember all those feelings like it was yesterday. I get anxiety when I think about it.  It has been many years since my husband married a second wife however it has only been under a year since I truly turned to Allah for healing. I was too deep in bitterness and depression I couldn’t change my life around.  It took me two weeks exactly of turning to Allah sincerely and wholeheartedly for Allah to cure my heart and mind of those diseases.  It feels amazing coming out of a dark tunnel, I have a new lease on life and my little marriage has improved a little also even though the other wife is up to her tricks.

    point is it does get easier and better dear sisters that are going through so much difficulty. However if you want to shorten the amount of time before you get there then turn to Allah and he will help you to see the best of your situation. Read Quran daily, don’t skip prayers, make lots of dua and be very very specific with Allah, look at those in worse situations in fact talk to them, and importantly stop worshipping your husbands and focus on Allah Everytime an issue starts or you start to get upset.  With this you learn the true essence of patience and accepting of Allahs Qadr and gratefulness towards Him.  InshaAllah we can all grow in our iman.

    and I need to do so much of this ATM due to the co wife upping her strategies to get rid of me. It’s never ending and that’s how this life is meant to be, no one can expect to live a perfect life without problems, just our problems are so trivial compared to so many others in the bigger scheme of things in my opinion. The pain is very real and just as bad as the pain others experience in very bad situations however reality is different and that’s what we need to focus on to lessen the pain.

  • anabellah

    July 25, 2016

    Tasilyman,

    Thank you, dear sister for sharing some of your trials with us. It’s one thing to struggle with disliking a co wife, and ill treatment. It’s another when others display cruelty simply because one is living a lifestyle that Allah has allowed for us and a way that is written for us, if we are in it.

    You’re a remarkable woman, Tasliyman.

  • anabellah

    July 25, 2016

    I can’t say it enough that in talking to all wives regardless of what order they married lets me know we are all the same with the same wants, needs and feelings. We all want to be treated with love, kindness and respect.

    I am truly fond of all the ladies here. All have touched my heart and made a huge difference in my life and I’m so grateful to Allah for allowing me to know you all. It is a pleasure.

    I pray Allah continues to shower His love and blessings on us as well as His Mercy and Forgiveness.

  • Umm of2

    July 25, 2016

    Laylah sis MashaAllah that’s so amazing of you. You seem like a kind hearted sweet person. It’s so amazing how Allah instantly changed your heart and you became more grateful on a whole other level after your visit with your co wife and baby. Also congratulations may you have a joyful pregnancy. And beautiful child inside and out. 

  • Karima

    July 25, 2016

    N all of You sisters here are lovely ladies who give their own battles day by day. I agree With Tasliyman that kindness is the key towards people. Not because we lét them fool us in case they are not correct but beavause We all will answer to Sllah for all our actions n intentions. 

  • Karima

    July 25, 2016

    I only heard of one man here that married a second n 3rd wife but with outmost respect. All ladies know each other and sit together also in the masjid sometimes. In between 3 rd wife which I really like her asked dor a divorce from him after a year n half she didn’t say much just that she felt he wasn’t giving her the attention she needed expected.  whT I’m trying t say is I have nothing against polygyny when is done correctly n I don’t hate any second wife. Polyguny is part of islam 

  • Tasliyman

    July 25, 2016

    Wow Laylah

    Your post brought tears to my eyes.

    One of the hardest parts of being a second wife was to deal with the stigma attached to it. Having people that know absolutely nothing about you treat you like dirt was difficult for me to accept. Even more difficult was witnessing how people that knows you also turned against you.

    Alhamdulillah, most of my relationships have been restored.

    On the other hand, I understand much better now why people have such negative perceptions of “second wives”. There’s some terrible stories on this blog on how second wives come into a marriage and then treat the first wives.

    I truly believe that a little bit of consideration towards the first wife will go a long way. In fact, it works both ways, if both wives show a little consideration to each other I am pretty sure that it will make things a bit easier.

    After all, Allah wants us to treat all mankind with kindness. Surely that includes a co-wife. 

  • Karima

    July 25, 2016

    Take care sis Laylah

    trust me there’s nothing to admire me about.! If I didn’t has this blog I would probably do even more wild humiliating stuff that I did in the past.  This blog made me see things are it is men as they are like it or not.  I am a first wife who never thought husband would do sthng like that behind my back causing me so much hurt pain n humiliation.  N obviously cause he knew how bad I would take it or due to being scared of my reaction what would society say etc is doing it behind my back. When I find out sthng he knew how to calm me down n I let myself to be deluded cause i couldn’t believe he could be having an affair with that one for so long and because i had my two kids n my pregnancies n deliveries where in danger- I blame husband for that! I know I should forgive him I want to but sometimes memories pop up n I feel so bad :( so nothing to admire me …. I hope Allah wants good for me n inshallah I’ll grow with time in better deen. At the moment I’m on the roller coaster n since I m not close with Muslims living polygamous I have no one to turn to, plus I would be embarassed thinking they would gossip about me husband n wouldn’t want that.  I doubt if they would say sthng better than what Quran says or what I read in this blog.  Of course many times I would like to have an actual shoulder to cry on. Then again it would be a minuit relief n then back to reality.  I must look within as Ana says that’s the hardest part. I must take care of myself stop binging n do stuff in moderation inshallah.  

    I admire u for your many kids and for being a fighter mashallah. May Allah give u a good pregnancy I wish u but the best

  • Laylah

    July 24, 2016

    Salaam x

    Shukraan , yes my sixth Alhamdulillah.  Karina the more I read, the more I admire you. Your situation and mine are a little similar, but you from the offset have this great purpose of turning toward Allah. May Allah reward you and make things easier for you Insha Allah. That is so beautiful. 

    Ana all you ladies helped me reach a point where I could go see her, with peace inside. I don’t know if that makes sense? What also helped is speaking to women who are second, third, fourth wives. As a first wife you think you would never have done this to another woman and women who do are monsters. But you can’t hold on to that when women in those positions treat you with humanity and compassion. It doesn’t seem so easy or so fair to make that flash judgement anymore. I’m actually signing out for some time now. I got some serious upheaval going on. Shukraan for all the advice x 

  • Karima

    July 24, 2016

    Inshallah Amin thank you Ana and all of you sisters who are thinking or me may Allah reward you

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    You’re killing two birds with one stone. Insha Allah, make it your intent to protect your heart from evil by continuing to focus your attention on Allah, and you can’t get hurt. It’s all good. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • Karima

    July 24, 2016

    i became distant to protect my heart as I’m an over sensitive person by nature!

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    Karima,

    Alhumdulliah that you are making good strides and effort in being a good Muslima. What is past is behind you now. Don’t go for the okie doke in him telling you that you are responsible for impeding his progress in getting her to become Muslim. I’ve heard rhetoric like it before. Don’t let him blame you. If Allah has chosen her to be Muslim, there is nothing that anyone could do to prevent it from happening. It’s the same, if Allah has not chosen her; there is nothing that could be said or done to make her one. Don’t let him lay that guilt trip on you. You know better than that.

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    Karima,

    I simply assumed she is Muslim, which is why I said have the best take on it – that they are married. I still suggest you just assume they are married. It takes nothing from you. It saves you from making a false accusation, if they are in fact married.  You’re not accountable for what’s going on with them.

  • Karima

    July 24, 2016

    I wasn’t Muslim when I met him either but after a lot of research I saw the truth n became one on the day of our wedding came as a surprise to him! I think back then in a way I did it for him which I know was a mistake years later Alhamdulellah things changed.  He told me some months ago she was ready to become a Muslim n due to my negative behaviour is trying to push her away from him n losing like this hasanat!!!losing good deeds…

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    I didn’t know that she isn’t Muslim. WHOA. I’m way familiar with situations such as it, if you could read between the lines https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif In situations such as it, you have to make sure that you stay on top of your game and don’t get lead astray. It’s best that you are somewhat distant from your husband, as it could serve as a protection for you. Who knows if Allah has chosen the other to be Muslim one day. Just because your husband has her as a wife or whatever she is doesn’t guarantee that she will one day become Muslim, which you have already acknowledged knowing. As you stated in your post, you’ve got to focus on you. I hear all that you said and I relate to it.

  • Karima

    July 24, 2016

    Congratulations on your 6th child sis Laylah wow mashallah!!

  • Karima

    July 24, 2016

    Sis Ana

    that woman is not a Muslim, at least not yet. But maybe in between she became one haven’t heard of her since March.  Inshallah for her she will be one day, better for her salvation. I wish bad for no one I only wish to become stronger in my deen Allah to forgive my sins and weaknesses save me from Satan whispers and make it easier on me! Same for my husband and all of us 

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    Laylah,

    Congratulations! You are with child https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif Did you say 6. Wow, alhumdulliah!!! I pray Allah blesses you and Marah S with beautiful, righteous, awesome children. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    It does sound that you have grown so much and have come so far. I pray Allah is well pleased with us all. You’re a lovely person and your husband and co should feel blessed to have you as part of their family. When you said you took your children to see the co’s baby, it spoke volume about you. You’re amazingly beautiful https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    When it comes to whether Allah will forgive the men who began polygamous marriages, if they did anything wrong, I tend not to go there because I really don’t know. I know, the same as what ummof4 said, that Allah forgives again and again and again. He says He is a Oft Forgiving and Most Merciful God. He lets us know what He doesn’t forgive such is Shirk (giving Allah partners or making someone or something equal to Him). He doesn’t forgive someone who kills a Believer intentionally. He forgives all but the most heinous sins.

    I may concern myself about the sins I commit and whether Allah will forgive me, but to involve myself in trying to figure out if Allah will forgive SOMEONE ELSE, I won’t waste my time trying to figure it out.

    I know it’s bad when a man starts a relationship off on the wrong foot or marry someone who Allah tells us not to marry. It’s as far as I go in acknowledging the wrong. The rest is their business.

    I’d imagine that the people who got involved in questionable relationships didn’t magically both turn their lives around and got on the good foot with Allah, but I don’t know for sure.

    In Karima’s case, her husband can’t even come clean with her about what his relationship to the woman is. Do her husband and the other woman worship and serve Allah or care anything about Allah or only care about satisfying their lustful desires https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif Let them deal with it. I know she’s concerned as would any wife who loves her husband and wants him to go to Jannah/Paradise. We’ve got to learn to let go of trying to control the outcome for others. Allah tells us to pray for His Prophets, ask forgiveness for the believers and ask Allah to forgive ourselves. It’s what I do. Meddling in others’ business is mostly supposition.

  • Karima

    July 24, 2016

    ASsalamu aleykum

    so happy to see you are around sis Laylah. I’ve been Reading your older posters n can relate to many things. Alhamdulellah you are much better 

  • Laylah

    July 24, 2016

    On another completely random note, I think I fell pregnant no 6 the minute my husband got home which… I’m so surprised. Alhamdulillah x I mean I am much older now and I really thought that was unlikely. Alhamdulillah, I am amazed and grateful. And a little bit scared truth be told. I want to say that I have learnt so much from you. Ummof4 is so wise, ummof2 Tasliyman Jasmina Marah I feel like you helped me to try and see my co wife’s point of view. I am his first wife, he fosterd my assumption that I am the main story and she is the side drama . He is deluding me, to appease me. Life and relationships simply aren’t like that. You made me see that. I still get confused. He keeps saying that. I am trying to focus on the reality. I am trying above all to be decent. And respectful. You all helped with that. Ana I see everything that you wrote. It moved me to tears. Changing perceptions hurts. Physically, emotionally. I am trying. Really hard. 

  • Laylah

    July 24, 2016

    Salaam everyone x 

     I have been reading everything.And this has nothing to do with anything…

    As you all know my husband acquired my co wife, in an illicit fashion. One day when I was very distraught i shouted why am I going through this when you two are happy as hippos in mud! And he told me something very interesting. He said … If only you knew… We are both paying for how I acquired her. When I first heard she was pregnant I checked states to make sure it was mine… Something I have never had to do for any one of my children… I am haunted by the spectre of how this happened so that trust will be very hard won. And she keeps needing reassurance that our relationship is more than sex… And that insecurity may never leave her. And so many other nuances… Ladies we are none of us perfect..but when I went to visit my husband’s new baby as a gesture of goodwill? I found myself being grateful for my life and my marriage even with polygyny. Allah opened my eyes to the fact that I wouldn’t want what she has. I have in fact been so blessed. It frightens me, I knew intuitively there are repercussions for everything. Allah is the best judge. I never expected to see it so clearly. Zebib, I think in my long winded way I am trying say, if you realised how much you were hurting you own soul, you would be very afraid, you would rather die than return to the arms of that man. My experience, has made me say Astaghfirullah so fervently, I know that the weight of my husband’s actions keep him up doing the same. May Allah have mercy on us. Forgive us. Something else? When I cried and wept into the night beseeching my creator, he was open and hearing and answering even when I could not accept. I can see how blessed i am. In ways I took for granted before. I have told my husband, another woman on top of this one is something i would dread, this experience was traumatising, however I am willing rather to face that decision than Haram, I will rather deal with respect with a woman willing to deal respectfully with me, than running off with my husband in the dark of night. I laid down a challenge for him. I will to all Muslim men. If you proclaim yourselves polygamous? Have the balls to do it right! Before you say I should have the integrity to accept it. Integrity is a two way street. And Allah is God of women also. As for my husband, he says he is glad to suffer repercussions in the dunya for his bad decisions . He hopes for his Aakhirah to be spared. As do I . For all of us. Insha Allah x

     

  • Umm of2

    July 24, 2016

    I don’t think zebib is ready to sincerely follow any steps and suggestions we are writing here. She is still trying to justify her actions and point fingers. May Allah help her.

  • Umm of2

    July 24, 2016

    Zebib yes sex addict u say you are having relations with a man that’s not your husband and you cannot stop you’re infatuated with him so I take that as an addiction. You said relations which in that context in my book means sex. You didn’t say until now y’all have chemistry other than sex whatever y’all r doing reading minds being alone having candlelight dinners dosent make a difference ITS WRONG and you need to repent and stop picking and prodding every word we say and casting blame when all we are trying to do is help and be here for u

  • Umm of2

    July 24, 2016

    Karima sis pls don’t eat your way into having high blood pressure or diabetic insulin dependant lifestyle like that because in the end it’s only going to hurt you health wise physically and you don’t want to look in the mirror one day and not recognise yourself. Once you reach a certain age it’s very difficult to bounce back. Love yourself and try to focus on all the good times you and your husband shared together. We are here for u sis

     

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    Karima,

    Your post aren’t silly. I like chatting with you. Your post are sensible and covers questions that all newbies have regarding polygamy. It’s good for us all to go over with one another what’s pressing or troublesome in our lives. It’s all good. We should always be growing and moving forward in our lives. There is no time to become stagnant. :-) Some people move on because they’ve gotten to a good place. Most of us just like the sisterhood here, want to help one another and rack up some good deeds to help us enter Paradise. I like being here most of the time. :-)

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I agree; Zebib didn’t just wake up one day and find herself astray. I like the way you worded it. Ummo of 2 said similar. I was thinking how it happened. There was something that Zebib wasn’t doing that lead her to actually get with the man and have an illicit relationship with him. She POSSIBLY (I’m not saying definitely) wasn’t praying the five daily prayers, which help protect from evil, but she definitely wasn’t remembering Allah.

    @ ummof4,

    Welcome back dear sister. No need for me to ask if you had a wonderful vacation. Just getting away can do wonders, soaking up the sun, getting your vitamin D and chilling. It’s good to have you back. Happy 41st anniversary, Sis :-)

  • Karima

    July 24, 2016

    Salam dear Sisters not for a Minuit I thought u are saying it’s ok to have an affair n marry her… I come here when I’m not feeling well to share emotions thoughts n silly thoughts hoping your input advice will help me. So far it always did. I only receive good from this blog. I thank you all

  • ummof4

    July 24, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Karima, please don’t eat yourself into bad health.  And don’t think that your husband is with another woman because something was/is wrong with your or your marriage.  Your husband just wants to be with another woman.  I have lived in a polygynous marriage several times in my life, and nothing has ever been wrong in my marriage.  No, my husband did not commit adultery then marry his adultery partner, but still he married another woman.  

    Most men who marry more than one wife truly do love all of their wives.  As long as they are fulfilling their duties of a husband according to Islam, the decision to accept or reject polygyny is something that only the wives have to deal with.  When we are reared in a society that is unfamiliar with polygyny or rejects polygyny, but accepts adultery, that makes it more difficult for women to accept.

    As Muslims, we have to believe that Allah knows what is best for each of us, remember He created us and keeps us alive.  Allahu Akbar!

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    There I go, falling into the rut of calling it a “food addiction at the end of my last post. SMH

  • Karima

    July 24, 2016

    Marah S I liked your post it makes sense! Thank you for your input

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    Karima,

    You said the man needs to improve his family, so he wouldn’t need to marry another. To say that is to say he married another because something was lacking in his marriage that caused him to marry another. That is simply not true. A man needs no reason to marry another woman. It’s something that he wants to do and Allah has allowed it. If it happens, Allah wrote the script that way. You need to stop thinking something was wrong in a woman for her husband to have a need to marry another. It is simply not the truth.

    Furthermore, it makes no sense for you to compare overeating with committing one of the most heinous sins (adultery) that a person can commit. What you’re doing is what some call “emotional eating.” I doubt that you over eat to become a fat, obese, overeating slob so that your husband won’t like you and divorce you. If it’s really what you think you’re doing then you need to pack your kids up, leave your husband and go back to your parents home. Tell your husband you want a divorce. You want out. It makes no sense to abuse yourself. If you can say you’re consciously overeating to get him to leave you, you should make a conscious intention to leave the marriage.

    I don’t think anything is an “addiction”. Addiction is a name the non-believers gave the behavior. The behavior that is being called an “addiction” is simply an abomination or a punishment that Allah has placed on some. Committing adultery is something that Allah has caused some to do and it’s an abomination – it’s an unacceptable, disgusting, detestable act. I’m sure some women think about having an affair to get back at the husband, but it’s all it is is a thought for a hot minute. To actually take it there and do it, is HUGE. The person is astray. Read the ayah that I cited earlier on this thread in which Allah talks about a person taking their desire as their Lord and He has left them astray.

    I don’t know what food addiction is. We’re to do everything in moderation.

  • Tasliyman

    July 24, 2016

    Karima

    When a man has an affair with a woman, simply marrying her does not make the past affair halaal. The man and the woman involved will have to account to Allah for their actions. I mentioned this in my post to Zebib as well. 

    On this blog we dont elaborate much on how wrong his actions were and what he should or shouldnt have done quite simply because those men dont participate on this blog.  The wives of the men cannot control the men’s actions and there is no benefit in discussing what was done. 

    What we do focus on is what you can do to move forward in a positive and constructive way. The wives need to deal with the pain and in essence the test that they are faced with. You cannot change what has already happened but you can decide on how you are going to deal with it. 

    So please understand that we do not say it is ok for a man to have an affair as long as then marries the woman he is involved with. This is not the case. 

  • ummof4

    July 24, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    As I stated previously, Shaytan can take advantage of us easier if we are in pain.  His whispers make more sense.  

    Zebib, you stated that you appreciated my advice.  So please put steps 1 and 2 that I gave you into effect.  Start with step 1 and it will make step 2 a lot easier.  If you don’t want to even try step 1, then you need to ask yourself “Do I really want to repent from this sin?”  I don’t believe you can do anything to help yourself until and unless you can do step 1.

    Everyone, sometimes we know we are committing a sin, but feel that Allah will not forgive us,; we give up because we are in too deep and the sin is now a habit.  We need to remember that Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.  So we have to all try to get closer to Allah first; then once our minds and hearts are in the right place, we can begin to stop committing the sin.

    Zebib, it sounds as if you have not been a Muslim long.  Did you become Muslim to please your husband, or for the benefit of your own soul?  Some women become Muslim just to marry a particular man, without any thought about their relationship with Allah.  Then when the man does something haraam, the woman does something haraam as well.  Humans are not perfect, so we always have to depend on Allah, because only Allah is perfect.  Islam is a perfect way of life.  We just need to learn it, commit to it, and make it our way of life.  

  • Karima

    July 24, 2016

    Salam sis Ana

    i used the word blaspheme in relation to my thoughts questioning Allah and man, his creation. But you are right . Who am I to want to know everything? Still sometimes emotionally I’m overwhelmed….The way u explained it to me i understand it, sorry I keep saying silly stuff I only have this blog and Allah to share and definetely I need to work on my iman. Much love to you my dear Sis for your good advise !!!

  • Tasliyman

    July 24, 2016

    Zebib

    All I can add is that you need to find your connection with Allah.  Your situation will improve only WITH the help of Allah. Allah helps us when we are in difficulties. You can turn to Allah when you are doing wrong but genuinely want to stop. 

    Please dont wait to get over the addidction you feel you have before turning to Allah. You can overcome the addiction with the help of Allah. 

    I may be wrong but I get the feeling that you think you have to be good and pure before you can experience Allah’s mercy and blessings. It’s just not the case. If you really feel bad, ashamed and want to stop then Allah is the only help you need. You just need to ask. 

    This might sound silly but if you use just the one piece of advice that ummof4 gave and make the duah constantly – I seek refuge in Allah from Shaytaan, the cursed –  you are bound to experience some relieve. 

    I’ve been using it and it works great. 

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    About “blaspheme”, I don’t think anyone here has blasphemed Allah. It’s just something that someone who has never commented on the blog came saying. She said I accused Zebib of it. She just wanted to find fault in me and cause division in our blog home here. She meant no good. Plus she didn’t know what she was talking about. No one here has said anything derogatory, bad or profane about Allah. No one used His name in a way that reviles Him or insult Him. So, I don’t think there is any need for us to discuss “blaspheme” of Allah, which is way out in left field and no one has done here.

    To play it safe though, I would suggest you not ask why Allah created men as He did. We have just a tiny, itsy bit of knowledge. Allah is all knowing. We don’t need to know why Allah does what He does. Just accept that He did it. He created some men to have more than one wife. He created most men to desire more than one woman. He said they could have up to four at one time. It’s all one needs to know and accept it. What a Muslim/believing woman need to do is accept it. If a man is polygamous, it’s because Allah decided it for His reason. If the man did anything wrong with regard to it, he will account to Allah for it. He doesn’t have to account to the wife or anyone else for it. Who does a woman think she is that she feel deserving to know why Allah decided as He did?

  • Marah S

    July 24, 2016

    I think polygamy is still necessary in our time. Even though the ratio of men to women is about even right now, look at the society’s that make polygamy unacceptable. All the diseases going around, fatherless children, single mothers, prostitution etc.. Allah knows his creation, and it’s clear that most men naturally desire more than one woman. For some men the desire is stronger than others. Islam has the perfect system. Polygamy is an option for men but it also gives men more responsibility. All while protecting the women and preserving families. 

  • Marah S

    July 24, 2016

    Karima, the thing is I don’t think Allah allowed polygamy so that men can marry their mistresses. I think some men take advantage of polygamy when they find themselves in an affair. But men who do that are following their desires and picking and choosing in the religion. They commit adultery and then marry their mistress so that they don’t have to be held accountable. Who are they fooling? Unless they repent to Allah for the evil acts they committed to acquire this new woman then they will still be held accountable for their actions. Like Ana mentioned before, something that is built on evil will only beget evil.

  • Karima

    July 24, 2016

    Salam Ladies

    i was thinking what Ana said about Zenib paying back her husband with having sex with another man- taking revenge on the fact he cheated on her and then married the woman….

    and what ummof2 said if there was no polygyny men would cheat more..

    by asking why God created men like that am I commiting blaspheme?  Astagfirullah . Why we have to suffer so much when they cheat n then marry the women making halal their dirty little affair? Ok they fall in love.. Why they don’t come n divorce us so they can be with their new big love? Cause they love us too and don’t want to break up the family? If they didn’t want to break the family why to begin with went out cheating instead of improving the actual marriage by communicating there needs better and what they want??

    im paying back my husband not by cheating  on him but by overeating putting weight n a destroying my health thinking hell be disgusted by me n divorce me so I can get rid of him:(  I know what I’m doing is wrong is an addiction but I can’t stop it the moments I eat make me happy n fulfilled n stop thinking about my situation I’m facing . Food is giving me the comfort Zenib is getting from her affair.

    maybe it’s a silly comparison but that’s how difficult it is to stop an addiction – so simple as food addiction- n it’s not working for me. I can imagine how hard is for her to stop it:(

  • Jasmina

    July 24, 2016

    Zebib

    ana said you need to look within. I agree with her there. There are many things that lead a person down a wrong path, you don’t just wake up into it. There are things you need to sort out immediately. Firstly, there’s no way you truly love your husband, whatever love you have for him hasn’t stopped you from this that you are doing, so therefore don’t you think that you should leave him? I doubt a man could forgive this easily and when he finds out your life will just be turned further upside down. Secondly you probably have a weak iman, because you lack love and fear of Allah, one of those or both would stop you from such an act.  Do you pray 5 times a day? Do you read Quran? Do you have many Muslim friends? Again watch that lecture I mentioned earlier I think it may give you some answers inshallah . Allahualem 

  • Marah S

    July 24, 2016

    Zebib, in this case why don’t you break it off with the man untill he makes a decision about being Muslim. In the meantime work on your relationship with Allah and try to figure out if there’s anything in your marriage worth salvaging. Again I ask why you’re still married if this is what your marriage has come to? If he chooses to be Muslim then you can seek a divorce from your current husband and marry this new man with the intentions to both repent to Allah and come together in a halal situation. Since you say it’s not just about sex it’s about a deeper connection, and you can’t just go on having sex outside of marriage, then the solution would be to marry him instead but he has to be Muslim first. 

  • Zebib

    July 24, 2016

    Thank you Talisman.

    You are right in so much you say. You seem wise.

    Honestly, of course I know what I’m doing is wrong. Don’t you think drug-addicts know what they’re doing is wrong? Don’t you think they feel regret?

    And…a sex-addict…?? Where did that come from? Yes, I have had intimate relations with this man. But not every time we meet. What I need from him is the happiness of his smile, the sense of being wanted and needed, the moments of being quiet together reading each other’s minds. This is not about sex. I am sorry that’s how people’s minds work.

    Talisman, not he isn’t muslim. But he is interested in Islam. And the more he learns, the more he understands that what we are doing is wrong. We have both tried to break it off. But we are not strong enough to do that. And I am fighting with my inner self. I do so want to be able to turn to Allah with only purity in my heart. I want the shame and the pain and the fear to be gone. Thank you for trying to understand. Thank you for giving advice.

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    Another thing, Tasliyman, I think you called it right. What Zebib is doing has everything to do with what her husband is doing. She feels good when she’s having sex with the man who isn’t her husband because she feels she’s getting back at her husband for being polygamous. But at the end of the day, nothing has changed. Her husband is still with his other wife and Zebib is still alone, which is why she only feels good when having sex with the other man. So she hasn’t really accomplished anything other than ruining her own soul.

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    Yeah, she got indignant. Well, excuse me.

    Anyhow, I’m going back to sleep, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    yeah, and then she snaps at me cuz I don’t get it accusing me of being absurd. She said my comment was absurd, which means me, cuz my comment didn’t write itself.

    It’s like a serial killer coming here saying he can’t stop killing people and asking for help.

  • Tasliyman

    July 24, 2016

    Ummof2

    I like your post regarding Charles’ comment.

    I still fail to understand why people who has no interest or acceptance of polygamy still hang around and comment on a pro-polygamy blog.

    I just don’t get it.

  • Tasliyman

    July 24, 2016

    Zebib,

    Until you’ve firmly made the decision that YOU WANT TO stop seeing the other man, nothing that anybody do or say will make any difference to you.

    It has to come from you. It will be hard but it will be worth it too.

    You need to acknowledge the fact that what your husband did and what you are doing is two different things and both of you will be held accountable to Allah. Your husband is responsible for his actions and you are responsible for yours. All of us will be accountable for our own actions.

    Your husband has since married the women that he was involved with. You mentioned in your first post that “it’s all OK” now that the married her. We do not know what has happened between him and Allah since. He may have sincerely repented or he may not. We do not know whether it really is OK between him and Allah. At the end of the day, it remains a private matter between him and Allah.

    As the man that you are involved with is not Muslim, I take it marrying him is not an option? Which in my opinion, leaves you with one option only – to stop seeing him.

    It seems to me that you are blaming the pain that you experienced from your husband’s actions for the reason that you cannot stop seeing this man.   Forgive me for being harsh, but that does not justify you being in a sexual relationship with a man other than your husband. It is a major sin and just because you feel that something you cannot control led to the relationship will not make it any less punishable. If you need help to deal with the pain you need to turn to Allah, certainly not to a man that is haram (not permissible) for you.

    By no means am I saying that there is nothing wrong with what your husband did and that you are wrong to experience pain because of it. However, you cannot control your husband’s behaviour but you can control your own. You chose to follow the wrong path in an attempt to lessen the pain.   Justifying why you are doing the act is not going to make it less wrong. And that it a truth that you need to face.

    Bottom line is this: Allah allows a man to have up to four wives at one time. Allah allows a woman to have only one husband. Allah does not allow a man or a woman to be involved in extramarital affairs.

    Forgive me if it sounds like I am preaching to you, but there is just no way to sugarcoat this matter. You have chosen a wrong path to deal with your pain. It is not too late to repent and change your path. Allah is Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful.

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    Zebib by her own admission has a sex addiction and only Allah can cure that.

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    Sis Umm of2,

    Charles said no more. He doesn’t understand Islam. I’m with you on the transgender analogy that you gave. I don’t have time to sit around on the internet and interject my thoughts on subjects that don’t concern me or aren’t a part of my life.

    About having patience, people work my nerves sometimes and my patience wears thin. But this is what Allah has me doing for the time being. Having sane people like you to talk with here helps me :-)

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    I dunno. Needing to have sex with the other man mskes her feel better is peculiar, especially still being able to be with her husband AND be “Muslim”. Something aint right with that picture. I don’t think there is anything we can say that will help her. Only Allah can.

  • Umm of2

    July 24, 2016

    Zebib my apologies if we misjudged a few of your statements threw me for a loop it can be difficult getting a good read on ppl just by reading we can’t see your facial expressions or hear the tone of your voice if sincere or not

    i wonder though how is your relationship with your husband does the guilt not  eat you alive whenever he comes around or tries to touch you. You don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable. I think you need sometime alone in seclusion to beg forgiveness and guidance observe fast to get your priorities in order and to sustain your sexual addiction 

  • Umm of2

    July 24, 2016

    I think if there was no longer a people practising polygamy there would be a whole lot more infidelity going on. There’s so many men out there cheating because they’re locked in this one woman a man box. Polygamy is necessary in my opinion there’s not enough educated career driven islamically practising men out there. No one wants to marry a dead beat who has nothing going for him or who’s still living with their mom. Sometimes you can’t help who you fall in love with whether a man is married or not. Mates are ordained in Janna. The Holy Prophet practised polygamy not only to be mocked during his times but for all times

    polygamy is not for everyone. Every man on earth are not capable of loving and caring and starting a family with more than one woman and that’s ok. Whoever the polygamous lifestyle is for will be in it come hell or high water. Whoever is in it needs it for whatever reason. A lot is not necessary during today’s times for instance a man becoming a full on woman or vice versa and the list goes on but am I going to go to a pro transgender site telling them their lifestyle is not necessary during today’s times or ever. Does Charles want us to reconsider and all get divorced. I’m a bit confused  

    sis Ana I admire your patience level because I know it takes a lot to deal with the negative energy people who come here or story tellers that come to disturb the peace because they are so miserable in their own lives. May Allah bless you. 

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    You shouldn’t blame it on your husband, the other man, or anyone or anything else. You have to look within.

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    You need to analyze what has been going on in your life wih YOU that warrants you being in an adultrous relationship. Allah is a Just God. You’re in it for a reason. You need to sincerely in your heart want to stop seeing the man in order to stop. Allah says He will not change the condition of a person until the person changes what is in his or her heart. As long as you desire the man and want to continue to see him although you know it is wrong, you will have a problem. You can’t expect Allah to snap you out of it , if you find pleasure in it and want to stay on it.

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    Zebib, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    If you are in so much pain and distraught and feel you can’t stop having sex with the other man, then tell your husband that you need a divorce. Tell him that you need it because you have fsllen in love with another man. Then make your intention to marry the other man. If the other man doesn’twant to marry you, then isn’t it an obvious reason besides that what you’re doing is wrong to leave him?

  • Zebib

    July 24, 2016

    Salaam

    First, I’d like to thank the sisters who answered me with kind advice, especially Umm4 gave advice that feels extremely humbling and valuable.

    I am sorry for not responding right away. My husband has been with me and I haven’t had time to sit by the computer because our days have been full.

    I don’t know where the strange accusations came from. Why did I ask forgiveness to begin with? Because I knew I would be writing things that are offensive to any muslim. What was a non muslim doing studying Arabic? He works for a major sports’ brand with lots of offices in Arab countries. Why was I writing that I was seeing him, not that I had been seeing him but given up? Well, because this is exactly why I need help in the first place!! And how did you arrive at the absurd conclusion that I’m saying this is my right since my husband has married another??? I have read my post over and over and that absurd statement baffles me!! I wrote nothing of the sort! I wrote the opposite!! That I am so ashamed and so afraid. That I am sick with it. That is what I wrote.

    I feel just like a heroin addict. I know what I’m doing is wrong, I know it could cost me everything, in this life and the hereafter. But I can’t stop! because it takes away all the pain, all the fear and all the sadness while it lasts. ANd that is irresistable to me because the pain and the sadness have been so MASSIVE. But now I’m clawing at the walls, trying to find something to hold on to. ANd when I pray, it feels like Allah has turned his mercy from me. I am so alone.

    This is why I wrote. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. I won’t intrude again.

  • anabellah

    July 23, 2016

    Re: comment by “Charles”

    A person who calls himself “Charles” posted a comment on the “contact us” form. He stated the following:

    “looking at situations of our time,i think polygamous marriage is not necessary.”

    To him and others who think like him, I invite them to click on the link at the top of the page and read the article, “Polygamy Relative Islam.”

    Sometimes people make comments on the “contact us” form that I think they intended for the blog. Sometimes I have time to comment to them by way of email and/or I tell them they posted to the wrong place and instruct them to write on the blog.

    I haven’t had a lot of time lately to post to people individually. I would love to be able to talk one on one with people as well, but time just doesn’t allow it. Furthermore, I think it’s much more beneficial for us to talk openly on this open forum to one another.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

  • anabellah

    July 23, 2016

    Then, as I said previously, shortly after we responded to Zebib, I received a post from someone saying I accused Zebib of “blaspheme.” I didn’t post her comment because it ruffles my feathers when someone sits back and critiques what was said on the blog and then ponce on the person for her or his response.

    Come here and contribute by saying something helpful to the people who are seeking the help. Don’t sit back on the sideline and come in with your opinion and views  about what the commentator  said. Those type of silent readers who come forward irk me. The person means no good, but want to personally attack. Who knows, the person could have been “Zebib” or someone connected to her or maybe not. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif Allah know best.

    I use my discretion about the posts that I allow in and it’s a right I give myself as a moderator/commentator.

  • anabellah

    July 23, 2016

    Marah S,

    I don’t think what you related to us about your friend was crazy, weird or full of drama. I found it to be realistic. I’m happy to hear that she is back in the folds of Islam. Alhumdulliah. It’s wonderful news. Thank you for letting us know it. :-)

  • anabellah

    July 23, 2016

    I imagine there are a lot of weird things on the internet and weird people. It amazes me that there are a lot of people who take what anyone and everyone says as “gospel”, meaning “the truth”. People need to learn how to think for themselves and question what was said, who said it and what the person’s motive for saying it was.

    I agree with you all that since Zebib didn’t respond to the comments that we made to her, her post may have been fake. There were a few people who have come to this blog, commented and did not reply to the responses to them. Most people who are authentic and seeking advice will write back if merely to just acknowledge that they read what was written to them, even if it was only to say, thank you.

    I think Umm of2 called it right in saying, in essence, how could someone present themselves as being God fearing, ashamed, takes Arabic classes and wants to teach someone Islam and at the same time say she has a lover with whom she is committing adultery; she is addicted to him and can’t stop the illicit activity. It doesn’t add up. Allah guides those who seek His guidance. He help, protects and guides the believers.

    It would make sense if she had come here and said, for instance, I WAS involved in an adulterous relationship. I’m so ashamed. I pray Allah forgives me. I’m trying to figure my life out. Maybe you ladies could help me.

    “zebib” presented herself as someone who wants to portray herself as Muslim and is saying at the same time that she wants the same rights that men have who have more than one wife have. It’s as though she wants us to say why we believe what she is doing is unacceptable and, at the same time, is painting us as people who are bias and not for equal rights of all whether male or female. Those who speak of equal rights for males and females in regard to polygamy are not Muslim/Believers whose religion is Islam and live Islam. They could never understand our way of life and it’s useless to engage them in dialogue about it. Again, one would be speaking to the deaf, dumb and the blind if he or she entertains dialog with them about it.

  • Marah S

    July 23, 2016

    The possibility of zebib’s post being fake crossed my mind as well, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt since I know some people’s lives really are just crazy and full of drama, like my friend I told you all about a while ago, she just recently re-accepted Islam alhamdulillah.

    But since Zebib didn’t write back I think either she really did make up a story to get a reaction out of the people here, or maybe she wanted people to hold her hand and tell her she’s not doing anything wrong. I don’t know, there are a lot of weird things on the internet.

  • Karima

    July 23, 2016

    Salam Ladies

    since Zenib is not writing anything I start thinking the possibility her post to be fake:(

    seriously who has time for this???

  • Umm of2

    July 23, 2016

    I’m sure you have years of experience of the cyber crazies coming to this blog. Let’s see if zebib will come back and clarify some things. I wonder why she hasn’t come back already if she was truthful her post sounded distraught like she would be waiting impatiently for responses. 

  • anabellah

    July 22, 2016

    Sis Umm of 2,

    I’m sorry; but to me, the post sounded fake.

  • Umm of2

    July 22, 2016

    Sis Ana I too was thinking if committing zina was causing her so much discomfort and shame how could she keep it up time and time again. The Arabic thing took me for a loop too how could having a genuine interest in Islam, in  Allah lead someone to committing adultery.

    Like one of the ladies here suggested she needs to seek forgiveness from Allah alone and eventually pick one although I don’t like the latter would last as their foundation was built on lust desires and lower self. 

  • Umm of2

    July 22, 2016

    Tasliyman MashaAllah. You’re my inspiration for today :) 

  • Karima

    July 22, 2016

    Salam 

    couldnt agree more with you Tasliyman isnhallah you are well my Sister:)

  • Tasliyman

    July 22, 2016

    Aslm ladies

    If Zebib’s post is true I hope that she finds a way out very soon In-sha Allah.

    If it is just someone trying to stir up controversy I have to thank them for it. Every thing always happen for a reason hey. The last sentence of ummof4’s post to Zebib was a beautiful and powerful reminder that I really needed right now.  

    What a great way to prevent negative thoughts from settling in your mind – by saying that duah throughout the day… 

    So thank you for sharing either way. Something good came from it. 

  • anabellah

    July 22, 2016

    ummo of2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    When I first read Zebib’s post, it sounded suspect to me and I went back and forth with myself about the validity of it. I then gave it the benefit of the doubt and said to myself that what she said may be true. Later in the day I reread it and again it didn’t sit well with me.

    First, I couldn’t understand why she was asking our forgiveness when she hadn’t done anything wrong to us to ask our forgiveness for. She needs to ask Allah to forgive her. She said she was asking us to forgive her for sharing her story with us. Well, it’s what the blog is for – us to share our experiences with one another. So that didn’t make sense.

    She said her husband had a “dirty affair”, but on the same hand said she is having one.  She couldn’t have thought it was that dirty if she’s doing it still.

    She said she love her husband and is grateful to him because he introduced her to Islam and she says she loves the man whom she is having an affair with, as well. Well, which one does she love?

    Then she  says she took an Arabic class and there is a non-Muslim westerner there taking Arabic classes too, but he’s not Muslim. Furthermore, she she wants to help him with Islam because he express an interest in it?  What’s he doing there taking an Arabic class unless he works for the FBI or Central Intelligence Agency and wants to learn to advance his career? Arabic is not a common language to speak unless one is living or working in a Muslim country or is a revert to Islam.

    Most importantly, if she really had it in her heart that she was afraid and ashamed and wanted to stop committing adultery, she’d be able to do it. She may come to the blog after she stopped and want to talk about it and get help in accepting polygamy.  It’s not the case.

    She’s wasn’t here talking about wanting to accept polygamy. She was here talking about her adulterous relationship and wanting to stop it but can’t. How would we help her stop having sex with a man who isn’t her husband? We’re not miracle workers.

    What really raised my eyebrow was when some dunce came to the blog and accused me of accusing Zebib of committing blaspheme when I said Zebib made her desire her lord. SMH Don’t ask me what the heck she was talking about cuz I have no idea.

    Hey, I could be wrong. It won’t be the first time. I simply have some ill feelings about the post. It sounds that someone came here wanting to start a debate and discussion about why we won’t accept that a woman does what a man does or something to that effect. I dunno https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Umm of2

    July 21, 2016

    sis Ana as Salaamu Alaikum

    referring to your last post woah. It would really be a shame if someone took time out of their apparently non productive day to spread evil astugfirAllah. I hadn’t thought of the possibility. Thanks for the heads up 

  • anabellah

    July 21, 2016

    Everyone:

    Please remember that people can be anyone on the internet.

    The person who said she is having an adulterous relationship because her husband had one and she fell in love with another man other than her husband may not be real. It could be someone who wants to dehumanize Islam and degrade our way of life by bringing the story here.

    Islam is beautiful and endearing. We have to start loving it and then we’ll start living it.

  • anabellah

    July 21, 2016

    I’m not saying that anyone has missed prayer, as no one has come forth and said it recently. I cited the ayah as it pertains to “desires” and “lust”. I’m making the clarification now before some unknown/wanna debate me person comes to the blog to dispute it and challenge it. There is always someone out there just waiting to pounce on something that I say.

  • anabellah

    July 21, 2016

    Allah said there were Prophets and some of their descendants who did as Allah said, but later generations did not follow them. An Ayah that support it and speaks of lust and desire is as follows:

    “But there came after them successors who neglected prayer and pursued desires; so they are going to meet evil -” Surah 19, Ayah 59 (Sahih International)

    another version:

    “But after them there followed a posterity who missed prayers and followed after lusts soon, then, will they face Destruction,-” Surah 19, Ayah 59 (Yusuf Ali)

  • anabellah

    July 21, 2016

    I speak a lot on this blog about desires and that some people take their desires as their lord. I speak of it often because Allah speaks often of it in the Holy Quran. He says there are some people who take their desires as their God. If a person does what he or she wants to do and it is in conflict with what Allah tells us to do, it means the person has made her or his desire their lord. They have placed what they want above what Allah tells us and instruct us to do. It’s as plain and simple as that.

    Some desires are good such as the desire to serve Allah; the desire to be patient; the desire to offer the salat prayers; the desire to fast; the desire to persevere in difficult times and hardship; the desire to repent and to ask Allah for forgiveness; the desire to remember Allah; the desire to read the Quran and live it; the desire to give in charity; the desire to enter Paradise/Janah; the desire to worship and serve Allah the way He instructs us to. Those are all praiseworthy and good desires.

    An example of a blameworthy desire is the desire to have sex with a man or woman who is not one’s spouse or to have the desire and to act on it. Another example is the desire to marry a person who Allah tells us not to marry – for instance a Muslim marries a non-Muslim.

    A person who does something that Allah tells us not to do, has followed his or her own desire.

    One ayah in the Holy Quran that speaks to what I said above is as follows:

    “Then seest thou such a one as takes as his god his own vain desire? Allah has, knowing (him as such), left him astray, and sealed his hearing and his heart (and understanding), and put a cover on his sight. Who, then, will guide him after Allah (has withdrawn Guidance)? Will ye not then receive admonition?” Quran: Surah 45; Ayah 23

  • anabellah

    July 21, 2016

    Zebib, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    The relationship that you have with the man is built on evil and evil will only beget evil. The relationship will crumble. No good will come from it. You’re worshiping your own desires right about now, which are your God. You have turned your back on Allah in pursuit of your own desires. Right now you’ve got to find a way to get back into the good graces of Allah.

  • Karima

    July 21, 2016

    Amin?

  • anabellah

    July 21, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    I pray Allah is well please with all of us. We all aim to do good. I pray All we do here count as good deeds. :-)

  • Karima

    July 21, 2016

    Salam sisters

    great advice u gave I hope our sister Zebib will return n use wisely ur precious advise!!!

  • anabellah

    July 21, 2016

    Zebib, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome sister. I’m glad you found our site and I’m hopeful the ladies here have been helpful to you. They have given you some very good advice.

    No one will beat up on you here about what has happen. You’ve mentioned that you know you are sinning by being in a haram relationship with the man, and you said that you are ashamed and fearful. It’s evident that you want to stop committing the act by the mere fact that you are here.

    It goes without saying that you need to end the relationship with him immediately. I suggest you follow all the recommendations given by the ladies here. Whenever you get the desire or urge to go be with the man, you should seek refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed as Ummof4 mentioned. You need to call on Allah and implore His help to allow you to stop engaging in the sinful act.

    You, yourself said that your husband engaged in “dirty affair” with the woman before he married her. You have now embarked on the same thing. As ummof4 said, it’s not uncommon to hear of women who are hurt and devastated by their husbands becoming polygamous to the point that they want to hurt their husbands and are so angry to the point that they do the same thing that he does. I have heard it referred to as “Payback sex.” It hurts the woman who does it more than it hurts anyone else. You know an act such as it can land you in the Hell Fire. It’s an evil that leads to more evils.

    As others have said here and you know, it is not okay for a woman to have more than one man despite what anyone may say. We know what Allah says. What Allah says is all that matters. There is no room for debate about it.

    I don’t know if this new man whom you’re with is married or if not married, is interested in marrying you. You should find that out. Furthermore, you need to know if the man is Muslim or only spoke of becoming Muslim to lure you into a haram relationship.

    If you reconcile with your husband, I would suggest you not tell him about the adulterous relationship that you have had with the other man.If your husband were to find out, he would never forget it. He may forgive you, but not forget it. Keep it to yourself. In fact, don’t tell anyone else about it. Keep it between you and our God, Allah.

    We’re here to continue to talk with you and help you as best we can.

  • Jasmina

    July 21, 2016

    Zebib

    watch “Ahmed the repenter”

    its a very heartfelt lecture about a man that committed zina in our generation

  • Umm of2

    July 21, 2016

    Welcome zebib sis, ummof4 gave you great advise. It’s absolutely without a doubt the devil himself whispering sweet nothings in your ear and you are falling for it unfortunately. It’s so easy to fall into his traps when you are in so much pain and weak and feeling unloved there’s always a devil in the form of a loving man that comes around right in time too that’s how u know it’s the devil he comes on que. it takes a LOT of fear of Allah and a deep conscious that you know will remind you of your mistake every second of everyday for the rest of your life, to not fall into shaitans traps. I’m so sorry this happened to you. May Allah forgive you and guide you back to Him. I think you should start of with the steps the wise and lovely ummof4 spelled out for you sis and you will be ok InshaAllah 

  • Marah S

    July 21, 2016

    Sister zebib, I’m sorry about your situation. You’re doing the same thing your husband did. Your marriage isn’t going well so you found a new love interest that makes you happy again. Unfortunately you’re a woman and he is a man. He was able to marry his mistress and create a halal situation for himself while keeping the both of you. Unfortunately women don’t have this option. I see it either one of two ways. If the man you are having an affair with is Muslim then you could leave your current husband and marry him Instead. This way you can be with him and no longer be sinning. But if for whatever reason you can not marry the man whom you’re having an affair with then you should break it off and try to remain faithful to your husband. Why have you chosen to remain married to your husband, do you have children? Is it for financial security? Is it because there is still love there? Do you feel that the relationship with your husband is worth saving at this point?

  • ummof4

    July 21, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Welcome Zebib,  you are right, Shaytan is whispering to you and you are following his suggestions.  You are doing the same thing that you said your husband did, committing adultery, which is a major sin.  (This is what I understand that you meant by saying you have relations with this man).  It is easy to fall into sin when one is in pain.  When a Muslim woman feels that her husband has done her wrong, she often becomes week in her belief and does major sins.  One may begin to uncover feeling it makes her more attractive to the world; another may stop making salah because she feels it is not helping; another may seek the company of a man besides her husband, because this man makes her feel needed, loved and sexy.

    Now what?  Alhamdulillah you admit that your relationship with this man is  wrong.  You say that you feel like you are addicted to him, like a drug.  So how does one battle drug addiction?  It’s a process, and most people cannot quit  “cold turkey”.

    My advice is first, to sincerely ask Allah for forgiveness.  Do this all day and all night, as much as you can.  Make all of the 5 mandatory salah and then do more.  Give more in charity.  Read Qur’aan at least once a day in Arabic (since you said you were in Arabic class) and then read the English translation.  Fast to decrease your sexual desire.  Remember Allah forgives again and again, and is the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.  It seems that Allah has hidden your sin from the public and your family, so now is the ideal time to try to stop.

    Second, dowhatever you can not to communicate with this man in any way.  Avoid any places that you can possibly see him. Remember, he will probably continue to want to communicate with you.  Change your phone number, your email and all other social media info and only give it to people who will not give the info to him.  I am not saying this will be easy, but it is necessary.

    Work on these 2 steps first, they are the most important.  It will take time, but if you are serious, I have faith that you can defeat Shaytan and his tricks.  Allah has given Shaytan permission to trick us into sin, and he often succeeds.  We have to fight him every day.

    We are here for you sister, when you feel weak or strong.  Feel free to ask for assistance and we will help you any way we can, In shaa’Allah.

    We all say  A oodhu billallahe minashshaytan near rajeem (I seek refuge in Allah from Shaytan, the cursed) at the beginning of every salah, let’s say it all day and all night long, sisters!

  • Karima

    July 21, 2016

    slm Ana yes inshallah sabr reading the Quran dikhr Dua praising Allah is the key to feel better n even when im not well say more Alhamdulellah. It is a test . Means to either get purified or lose my way due to Satan whispers . Inshallah Allah wants good for me. I want to be forgiven n submit to him.

    indhallah when. We return I’ll start Quran lessons- never done that!!! 

  • Karima

    July 21, 2016

    Salam umm of 2 your advice touched me. Much love to you sis

  • Karima

    July 21, 2016

    Ualwykum assalam sis zebib

    i can relate with you to half of your post so much :(( till when u wrote about your affair with this man…. I will leave it to the rest wise n experiences sisters to advice you. I will just say I know how it feels to sins out your husband is cheating n then he marries her… At least he told u the truth!!! In my situation I’m guessing he’s married to her definetely in touch with her… Only God knows. I’m sick n tired of him N all men in general thats why I wouldn’t cheat on him. I would think another man would just play nice n all till he make me go to bed with him n would only offer 1-2 hour of romantic love- sex- get Way… Sin!!!!   It is a serious sin in Islam adultery zina. Please try to stop it … Is this other guy Muslim??? What to tell u my dear? Divorce n marry him??? Do u have kids? May Allah guide you n forgive u… I know the pain of being cheated …. But better that he married her. I know he made what was haram halal but Allah will judge him n all of us. please please stop the affair is fixing nothing just making things worse. An eye for an eye is not the solution. I make Dua for you 

     

  • Zebib

    July 21, 2016

    ASA

    Sisters I beg your forgiveness before I write and please forgive me for sharing with you but I am so sick I don’t know what to do.

    My husband married a second wife almost two years ago. It was NOT in consultation with me. He met her at work and they had a dirty affair. I found out and cornered him about it. He swore he wouldn’t see her again but soon enough I found out they were doing it off because I found their messages. I was so angry and screamed and cried and finally he told me he was going to marry her.

    I couldn’t believe it. I’m a revert and I can tell you polygamy was not on my screen.. I thought No way is he allowed to do this. No way can he be allowed to cheat and then simply marry her and it’s all ok!! But I found out he could. And it just broke me. I suppose I could have left but I didn’t want to do that. He was the one who opened my eyes to Islam and I love him and am grateful to him. It was hell for a year, I asked for divorce many times but he always calmed me down. I even threw things at him! I’m ashamed. But I tried to submit to the lifestyle, I did. I prayed a lot. Sometimes it helped. But I’m weak. I am still so angry and hurt.

    I started taking Arabic classes to occupy myself. I needed to do something for me. And there I met a man. He’s a Westerner like me. I didn’t think much of it a t first, he was kind and fun. We talked about Islam, he wanted to learn. I felt like I wanted to teach him it made me feel needed. And we fell in love.

    Please forgive me Sisters. I am now having a relation with this man. ANd I fear I will be lost to Shaitan. I pray for help, but when my husband leaves and I feel so hurt and lonely it’s like a drug to be with this man I’m infatuated with. It takes all the pain away. But when he leaves I feel so afraid and shameful and I beg ALlah to forgive me but I know I can not be forgiven because I will sin again next time hubz leaves. I am lost in this sin. And that makes me so AFRAID and full of SHAME.

    Please please Sisters, help me. I do not want to live like this. What should I do? (If I could just have ended my relationship I would have!! I just can’t seem to do that!)

  • Umm of2

    July 21, 2016

    Karima I forgot to mention. No need to keep thanking us and apologising for venting. I’m sure it’s therapeutic for us helping you as it is for you reading our advise. Stay strong you are doing so well. 

  • Umm of2

    July 21, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum everyone. Karimah I also told you before that from looking in your situation isint as bad as it could be. Whatever your husband has going on seperate his side chick or side wife if anything at all that’s between him and his Lord. Shaitan is working through that woman to destroy your marriage. Don’t let it tear you all apart. I think your husband is a rare breed for sure. Try to look at the good and him and throw the bad in the trash. You have to just let all that hurt go karima before he gets tired of it. Y’all have something special and have been together for decades. You don’t want to grow old alone or start over with someone else who may or may not love you like your husband does or may or may not accept your children. I wish you nothing but the best. 

  • anabellah

    July 20, 2016

    Karima,

    Me being an outsider looking in think your marriage is okay. There doesn’t appear to be anything glaring that makes me think you need to up and leave your marriage. It’s just my thought. You’ve got to live it. I say be patient and persevere. Allah says it is indeed hard except for those who humble themself to Him.

  • anabellah

    July 20, 2016

    Dear Karima,

    It’s okay. Speak your thoughts and how you feel as often as you need. No one hears something and gets it once and for all times. That’s a rarity. We have to keep reading Quran over and over again from start to finish repeatedly. It’s just how it is.

    I sound like a broken record, but it helps me to repeat things. I need to hear it too. I have to put it into practice as well because I’m accountable for all that I say. Allah says in Quran don’t say what you don’t do. Don’t tell others to do it.

    I’m surprised some here don’t tell me to sut the @^$= up lol.

    It’s all good. Much love to you, Sister.

  • Karima

    July 20, 2016

    Dear Sisters 

    Ana Arzoo Jasmina Ummof2 Ummof4 Tasliyman ?I hope i didn’t leave anyone out

    thank you. I’m sorry if I m nagging n seem repeating the same things n complaints. I appreciate ur input. I’ll reflect even more and do nothing say nothing that would make things worse for my marriage

    i think I’ll go back to older posts once again n do some reading

    much love to all of you

  • Aarzoo

    July 20, 2016

    Karima, there definitely is a reason for your husbands behavior. It can be one or multiple like he feeling guilty of haram relationship and just dont want to discuss it and have no idea how to handle this situation so just going on with status quo. He might know some serious flaws in other womans personality or such that makes him not want to marry her. He is afraid of responsibility of two marriages and families. He is afraid of what will people or family/relatives think of him. He might have tried to end his relationship with other maybe thats why she was so desperate and tried to contact you and cause trouble. It can be many things. Unless you are fully prepared to leave the marriage it is best you let it go and avoud giving ultimatums of any kind. It is very difficult situation :(  hang in there

  • anabellah

    July 20, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I like the way you explained it. It’s much easier to understand. Our expectations and desires are what causes us our greatest problem.

    people say they believe in Allah, but they only seem to believe He’s only valuable when they need to get out of a jam or they want something. He’s much more than that.

  • Jasmina

    July 20, 2016

    Agree there Ana… We have NO control whatsoever despite what we may think. Argh if I did I would be living it up, retired, travelling, loving life, carefree, without a scar to my heart. There’s only so much we can attribute to ‘mistake’, after a while you realise it’s all Allahs Qadr so why fight against it, go with it. 

  • Karima

    July 20, 2016

    Yes Ana you wrote that many times n can’t thank you enough for keep reminding me!!!  I should let go n leave it in Allah hands! 

  • anabellah

    July 20, 2016

    We can’t always have things the way that we want it. It’s not about us. It’s about Allah. Allah has a plan.

  • anabellah

    July 20, 2016

    Karima,

    Eventually maybe you’ll come to accept that some people just can’t tell the truth. They are unable too. Allah controls that too. It seems to us such a simple thing for a person to do. But. It’s not always that easy. You may ask how hard is it for your husband to open his mouth and say he’s married to that woman, which he’s allowed. He just can’t do it. Allah doesn’t want it revealed to you yet. It’s all part of accepting Allah’s decision. You’re agonizing over it because you’re not accepting Allah’s decision. Once you grasp that concept- that Allah is in control of all things. you’re on your way to being home free. Life is beautiful. Alhumdulliah!

  • anabellah

    July 20, 2016

    Karima,

    It’s a good sign when you hate yourself sometimes. It means you sincerely want to be better. It’s in your heart. It’s a good thing. Insha Allah, Allah will change our hearts and purify them. Insha Allah, He has made us for the Garden of Paradise. He says we can’t enter Paradise with impure hearts.

  • Karima

    July 20, 2016

    I know I should have added I turn to Allah too:( yes I should do that more I know…. Alhamdulellah it could be worse?

  • Karima

    July 20, 2016

    Alhamdulellah sisters I don’t want to be u grateful. I’m thinking of women who lost everything of their loneliness poverty healthy issues n all to get courage n stop being miserable!!!!  I just hate myself sometimes. Then i say Alhamdulellah Allah is trying to teach me many things here…/: I m trying to fight the base feelings of Jealousy n hatred n not think about him/them.  After all divorce is always an option..//hmmm:(((.  

  • Karima

    July 20, 2016

    ill follow ur advice though n won’t contact him unless he will.

  • Karima

    July 20, 2016

    Aarzoo 

    the thing is i don’t miss him …./ I prefer being slapped with the truth than being kissed with a lie.:: august 10 we return n again I dread the moment of starting again pretending I’m sooooo happy to See him n go back to the routine:( for him if he’s unhappy it’s easy to go to that woman or anyone else but what about me?  I’m free to do whatever I want he is not at all a controlling freak the thing is since I left my job I don’t even have the sthng to turn to to forget my unhappiness n confusion . So I turn to food:((( sigh. Kids are not enough for me sorry…

    thank you all for thinking of me n trying to help love u all

  • anabellah

    July 20, 2016

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam, It’s really good, Karima. I think Arzoo gave a good suggestion to not reach out much to your husband while you’re away to give him a chance to really miss you. I’m happy to hear you and the kids are enjoying your time away It’s so good. Alhumdulliah!

  • Karima

    July 20, 2016

    Salam ladies im doing ok Alhamdulellah kids are really enjoying their time , we go here n there n I help mom with housechores:) 

  • anabellah

    July 20, 2016

    Yes, you’re right, Arzoo. I forgot about that. I’ve lost weight when going through a thing.

  • Arzoo

    July 20, 2016

    Ana, yes thats exactly true about me too. Some people tend to eat when they are stressed but others lose interest even in things they otherwise enjoy. I hope Karima is having good time and doing things that make her happy.

  • Arzoo

    July 20, 2016

    Sheikha,

    Good to know you are doing all that you can to protect yourself in future. Its not that all Saudi men are bad and will turn out to be abusive but its always possible in future that you all reach a point where you aren’t happy in marriage but he doesn’t want to lose you. In such cases if the man has law on his side he will most likely use it. Glad that your job offers you protection if its needed future. If i was in your place i would worry about losing the job that is so crucial for my and my future children’s freedom.  Actually I would be scared to even travel to SA :) You are a brave woman for going to a county like SA and now marrying a Saudi. May Allah give you even more strength to overcome any challenges that thing marriage might hold considering its cross cultural and polygamous. My very best wishes to you!

  • anabellah

    July 19, 2016

    Sheikha,

    Thanks for correcting me. It’s nice you are Muslim. Alhumdulliah! You’re a very intelligence bright woman and it’s good to know you acknowledge that people sometimes change when things go sour in their lives. He says what he’ll do now while all things are honky dory. People can become like night and day when situations change for the worse for them. We know how relationship are when there’s disagreement and animosity that hasn’t escalated to the level of divorce. Insha Allah, you’ll be alright.

  • Sheikha

    July 19, 2016

    Omg Arzoo and Ana, I swear that was the first movie I watched when I met him and was thinking about getting married!!!!!

    I take your point about being careful. And definitely we discussed custody issues up front, and he assures me that I will be allowed to take the kids back to my home country if, God forbid, anything goes wrong. He’s a very abnormal arab in his thinking about this and he is equally eyes-wide-open about the fact that I would want to return abroad to my family if we split. And luckily my job allows me to have exit procedures without husband and my kids will have my nationality, so I am a bit more protected that way.  With that said, it’s always good to be cautious on this though, because people do show a different side sometimes when situations turn badly. 

    Also, Ana, I wanted to confirm that I am Muslim, not just thinking of becoming, as you mentioned that in a prior post. 

  • anabellah

    July 19, 2016

    I’d have no problem eating something that I really love. No one needs to tell me that. I need to be told the opposite – to lay off eating something that I really love LOL

  • anabellah

    July 19, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I wonder if in Saudia Arabia they honor contracts that aren’t in accordance with Sharia Law. They may not pay attention to what’s written in a contract if it’s not in favor of the man. I really don’t know. I only know how it works in the US. I only know Sheikha needs to dot all her i s and cross all her t s when it comes to marrying someone from a country such as it. I’m surprised the Shariah court didn’t order that she get a lashing for complaining about her husband.

    Aarzoo, I’m so happy we all have one another. We all could use one another brains LOL

    Speaking of brains, there is an ayah (verse) in the Quran that I absolutely love. It goes something like – He hurled the truth at falsehood and it knocked out it’s brains.

  • Jasmina

    July 19, 2016

    Karima

    its great you are happy, being happy is a process and a conscious and deliberate thing so write down everything that lead to you being happy today and next time you feel sad try to go back to doing what made you happy. Inshallah you can rewire your brain into being happy for all situations. I’m getting there slowly but Alhamdulillah I don’t get too upset over the little stuff anymore. It’s always hard at first, inshallah you will be okay.

  • Jasmina

    July 19, 2016

    Congratulations skeikha 

    I think that you have a lot of life experience and are very wise, to know to take the precautionary measures moving forward, so I wouldn’t be too concerned so long as you take the measures. I’m guessing they take marital contracts very serious in a court of law so just put everything you want in there as its your right and inshaAllah it will protect you should things go sour.  I.e. In relation to children, divorce, welfare, etc. state all the things you would disagree with that would make you eligible for divorce should he break the agreement, I.e. Won’t provide, mistreats you, hits you, it can be small or big just put it in

    have a wali who will take care of that and read it carefully before signing the contract. I know it’s not very ‘lovely’ to think of marriage as a contract but it’s something Allah has given women to protect us, it’s a stinker that marital contracts in western countries can not be enforced but if you are in a Muslim country with some shariah courts then great.  I read a story of a woman in Saudi who complained her husband beat her so the court ordered to lash him… It’s such a bad scenario but it just showed that they take shariah somewhat serious in women’s cases.

  • Aarzoo

    July 19, 2016

    Karima, Enjoy your time away with your kids. Leave your husband alone for some time. Now that you have already shared your thoughts through text. Leave him alone. If you keep asking he is never going to tell. Just ignore him for some time focus on other things. May be pamper your self a little. Get a mani pedi a facial. Buy a new dress and eat something you really love. Give him a chance to miss you. If he does great if he doesnt you lose nothing. At least no bitter words will be said that both of you will regret later. How long is your visit 

  • Aarzoo

    July 19, 2016

    Thanks Ana dear! Thats why you need some crazies like me here who can think of the worst case scenario ?

    As soon as i read that point i was like what are you talking anout sis Sheikha. This is not how it works in SA. 

    Sis Sheikha, i know you are in love at the moment but please do think about these scenarios. It think more than worrying about how you will do in polygamous marriage you should think about how you will do in marriage with a Saudi IN Saudi Arabia. 

  • anabellah

    July 19, 2016

    Aarzoo,

    Get out of town. LOL I’m sorry; I know it’s really not funny. It never crossed my mind that she won’t have the freedom that she thought once she marries this guy and to think about him taking their children. That crap happens. I’ll never forget that movie, “Not Without My Daughter.”  Good looking out, Aarzoo https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • Aarzoo

    July 19, 2016

    Sheikha, I am glad that you were able to make a decision to go ahead with your marriage plans. I didnt read your full post but no. 6 raised a flag. If you are in Saudi Arabia. Its one thing to be a westerner doing a high profile job than a westerner married to a Saudi man. Your job, PhD and nothing else will matter when it comes to your husbands rights on you e.g. you will need his permission to leave the country. I am sure you two are in love and hope your love stays strong but we all know when honeymoon period ends even in monogamy there are many struggles that can affect relationship. I dont know how you think you will be free to leave if you want because by Saudi law you wont be free to leave. Also if childrens are invilved you will never get your children. That is common knowledge and many women are stuck there because their husband wont give permission to leave country. 

  • Karima

    July 19, 2016

    Allah bless you sis Ana and this blog family ?

  • Sheikha

    July 19, 2016

    Dear Umm of2, with respect, I think you’ve misinterpreted some of what I’ve said.

     I came to the site looking for information about what it feels like to be in a poly marriage, what types of feelings women in these relationships have, what are the challenges, etc.  I came searching for this because I had THOUGHT I was prepared for my situation, but was surprised and concerned at my jealous reaction to the pregnancy news.  I came looking to see if what I felt was “normal” or was I just not cut out for this arrangement.  What I found somewhat confirmed my fears – it can be a very hard life; jealousy is frequent and takes a lot of effort to stamp down; there are conflicts between wives; there’s significant pain, etc.  Reading the posts here actually gave me less hope and made me feel more nervous and it was only talking some of these things through with a trusted friend that I started to calm down.  What I tried to say today was that although the pain seems to persist, judging from the stories here, I can see that this is a site where women come to vent, which would be why there is more “negative” than “positive” on here.  I wasn’t suggesting that everyone in a poly marriage is living a life of despair.

    Regarding the feelings of jealousy, I think we’ll need to agree to disagree.  I was commenting that it wasn’t wrong for me to feel this because it’s a natural emotion that people feel.  It was also the first time I was ever faced with a situation of this type, and it was one that was so far removed from my culture, that I had no “tools” to deal with it.  It surprised me and caught me off guard.  Again, I am not saying that jealousy is a good emotion to have or that I’m entitled to feel it in this circumstance – I’m saying that my reaction was a normal and natural human emotion to experience.  There are plenty of ladies on here who describe being jealous frequently and that you LEARN to deal with it.  You can’t start to deal with it until you experience it, recognize it, decide whether it’s acceptable or not, and if it isn’t, you learn how to manage it.  I was initially terrified that it was a sign from Allah to run screaming from the arrangement, but I see it is not.  

    Regarding getting into first wife’s marriage, respectfully, I think you need to re-read what I wrote.  I did not say that it was my business how many kids they have  or don’t have.  He and she both agreed that they didn’t want more kids from each other.  He shared this with me as part of our courtship, as it related to the plans for whether he and I would have kids, what the living arrangements would be, etc.  So, when she discovered she was pregnant, all three of us were very surprised.  I was not judging them for having another baby or getting in their business – they can do that as they please – but it was surprising for all of us because it went against the discussions we all had around circumstances and arrangements related to me joining the family. 

    You’ve said below that it seems I think myself better than her.  But please do read my post again.  You call her “just a housewife uneducated from the village”.  Your statement made a judgment- she is “just” something.   I did not say that or even imply it.  I said that she’s from a village, she was not uneducated, she’s a great muslim, she’s an incredible mother, woman, homemaker, etc. These are also facts and characteristics.  I didn’t say it’s negative she’s from a village and I didn’t say that her being uneducated made her any less than me.  I pointed out I am on the opposite end of the spectrum: I am educated, I work in a big job, I’m not as devout a muslim as she is at all.  No where did I say that was better – I said we were different.  You missed the point that the context of me pointing out these facts/characteristics was to highlight that he chose two very different women.  And that I see that by doing this, it removes some of the competition we might ordinarily face.  He picked us because we each fulfill a different need that he has in his life.  Am I going to be an awful new mother and need her expertise and advice many times?  Definitely!  Can she use my help when she’s studying for exams for school?  Definitely!  She cooks like a chef, keeping husband full and satisfied; he uses me to bounce work ideas off of.  I was trying to say that I feel that issues of competition might not be as prominent in my own situation, as some of the ladies here have faced, because she and I fulfill different needs for him.  And NEITHER of us is better than the other!

    Lastly, I want to mention that maybe my arrangement is very unique and that is why I know so much about the inner workings of their lives.  I am not sure what country you’re in, but maybe that is influencing how you’re reading into some of what I’m saying.  We live in a conservative country where you are married off to your first cousin.  He was open that in his own relationship, and as can be typical in a cousin marriage, the type of love that develops can be different than in a love marriage.  It’s a familial love rather than a passionate love.   I am aware of what type of love is in their marriage because these were things we discussed during the courtship.  Again, this is from my western perspective, before I even entertained the idea of becoming a second (because it’s so foreign to my culture), because I wanted to know why he was looking for a second,  what the circumstances of his marriage were, what their relationship was, how it came about, etc. This helped me to make sure his intentions were correct – that he wasn’t just a bored man looking for halal fun on the side, and his responses also told me what type of family I was getting into, how she might react to a co-wife, etc.   I’m sorry to say, but if he was a westerner, living in a love marriage, I probably wouldn’t have entered into an agreement because it would have felt too much like I was “coming in to steal another woman’s man”.  He was open and honest with me about things, without being invasive of her privacy or saying anything even remotely negative about her and I appreciated that.  If he had been marrying a second from his own culture, no way would he have talked about things like this, it would be a much different courtship, but he knew that this was what I needed in order to feel okay to move ahead.  Please do know that she and I spend a lot of time together and we see each other as sisters.  He wants to create one family united, and not have a delineation between “first family” and “second family”.  She is open to this and so am I.

    At the end of the day, my post was meant to be positive.  It was meant to show that I reflected a lot on what all of you ladies shared, and I came to the conclusion that my own situation might be very unique from that of others on this site, and that I shouldn’t be worried, and can feel comfortable going ahead with the marriage as planned.  I’m sorry if you saw negatively into anything that I wrote, but again, I don’t know where you’re from, and so how I mean for it to come across, and how it gets interpreted, might not be matching.  

    Have a wonderful day.  

  • anabellah

    July 19, 2016

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaamu,

    How nice it is to hear you’re having a good day https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif I’m so happy for you! Thank you for sharing the good news. We have to learn to take the good with the bad. You’re doing so good, my dear sister. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    July 19, 2016

    Dear Sheihka,

    No need to apologize for the lengthy post. It’s okay. We don’t care how long a post is. Write till your heart is content, God willing. :-)

    I appreciate that you continued to share with us your thoughts and feelings. Often times people come for advice, receive it and we never hear from them again. Thank you for your consideration.

    As Karima said, it does sound you’ve gotten everything figured out. I congratulate you on your upcoming marriage, as well, and want the best for you.

    You should take heed to what umm of2 stated about jealousy. Jealousy does rear it’s ugly head from time to time, but we all should be mindful that it is not okay to be jealous. There is nothing good about jealousy. Some people minimize how serious jealousy is to a fault.

    I was thinking along the lines of what umm of2 mentioned with regard to your statement that you’re your husband’s to be love interest and he married the other because it was an arranged cousin marriage to an uneducated village girl. You have the PHD. I find that many wives tend to rationalize how they are better than the other wives because of certain qualities, possessions or capabilities etc that they have above and beyond what the other wives have, including age and beauty, for instance. Some pride themselves on being good sex objects and think they’ve got it going on because of it – as weird as that may sound Weird I think it’s quite common for wives to make comparison and try to rationalize that they are the better person. On the other hand, it could be hurtful. Allah says the best person is the one who is most righteous. The most righteous person is more honorable in the sight of Allah. So, it’s important that a Muslim stays mindful of that fact and tries to strive to be the most righteous person to reap all the benefits that Allah has promised the believer to receive in this world and the next. I know you are new to Islam and it’s important to know this if you’re considering becoming Muslim. The fact that he intends to marry a non-Muslim who hasn’t converted is interesting in and of itself. I won’t go there.

    We don’t know why Allah places love in the hearts of a man and a woman. I think it’s important not to dismiss the love that the husband has for his other wife. It may be greater or may be a lesser love for one compared to the other. Allah places the love in the heart. Women could spend all day and all night trying to manipulate the love that the husband has, but it’s a waste of time. Allah has His reasons for what He does and how He does it. We’re not privy to His knowledge. I would just caution you to not minimize the love that your husband has for his other wife. At the same time, don’t make it a competition. Try to enjoy what you have with him and try not to compete with her. Although you’ll be married to the same man, your lives will be separate. You have a lot to digest. It takes time to get it all and adjust. I seem to think it’s a process.

    You’re welcome here as part of our blog family. We’re here for you whenever you want to talk. :-)

  • Karima

    July 19, 2016

    Salam all today Alhamdulellah is a good day n just wanted to share it with you:) thank you for your support ?

  • Karima

    July 19, 2016

    Sheikha it seems u have it all

    figured out mashallah!!! There’s nothing more for me to say than congratulations on your upcoming marriage and may Allah shower you with His blessings 

  • Umm of2

    July 19, 2016

    Sheihka, actually it seems the ladies who have been in a polygamous marriage for over five years have blossomed a lot and have learned to overcome what all the beginning stages consisted of. Of course negativity rears its little head every now and again but we are stronger from the past and know how to tackle it so no all that pain years later does not still persist. I know it seems sometimes like everyone has a mountain of problems and a cup of happiness but I’m sure it’s probably vice versa the ladies may not want to come gloat about their marriage when it’s people here who are truly falling apart. It would be inconsiderate. 

    Everyone experiences jealousy we are not saying that you are a sinner for having jealous feelings we are saying it is not right. You keep saying it’s not wrong to be jealous. Yes it is and we must ask Allah to forgive us and purify our hearts from hatred and jealousy. 

    You also keep saying you are not trying to be in the first wife and husbands intimate business but at the same time speaking on how many children they have and wasn’t supposed to have more how this one was unexpected and they should have used precautions and then say what happens in their marriage stays in their marriage well clearly not. 

    maybe because something may be natural in your mind or because everyone has experienced it for example jealousy does not make it right. 

    You say YOUR heart dosent use logic but your mind does your God given common sense brain does 

    you are saying one thing and at the same time saying something else like how u said you don’t see yourself better than the other wife but pointed out she’s just a house wife uneducated from a village and you have this that and the third. It seems like you have pieces of your fiancées brain encrypted in your own. How do you know exactly how when where why he fell in love and married his first wife and why he intends on marrying you unless he told u. Just curious. 

  • Sheikha

    July 19, 2016

    Dear Sisters, my apologies for this long post.  

    I appreciate all of the open and helpful advice you shared.  In reading through your comments, a lot of new perspectives opened in my mind and I began to evaluate the reality of my situation and whether the “negatives” that were imploring me to cancel the wedding were really that serious.  

    First, let me say I have read through a lot of your own stories, by going back through old threads, and my heart breaks to hear some of the stories and the emotions involved.   It seems that many of you are first wives, and whether your marriages were arranged or love marriages, some seemed not to expect that a second (or third or fourth) would materialize.   For that reason, I can see why a lot of the comments on this site, though clearly accepting of Islamic polygamy, reflect a lot of hurt and pain, and it seems years later this persists.  I don’t know where most of you ladies are from – but I know that your cultural backgrounds will play into your experiences in a huge way.  Some of you with western perspectives, like my own, probably felt the “infidelity” that I did when my jealous thoughts began, whereas someone from a culture where polygamy is more common, might not have felt this so strongly.  I also know that many of you turn to this site as an outlet to vent, and that is when one might be more inclined to share negative or cautionary perspectives, than positive ones.

    So where am I going with this?  Well, as I said above, I reflected on my own situation, and here is what I’ve concluded:  

    1.  I need to be careful of my jealousy, however, my feelings of jealousy at the unexpected baby (and I say unexpected because first wife and husband had agreed not to have anymore) were not wrong.  I needed to acknowledge them and move past them, but they weren’t wrong.  I’m not saying it was any of my business whether they wanted to have more kids or not – what happens in their marriage is their business.   However, they were natural feelings to have.  It’s natural for any woman in love to feel pain in her heart, at the thought of her “love” being with another woman.  The heart doesn’t use logic to say, “But, it’s his wife!  They’re allowed to do that!”.  The heart reacts and it’s all about how you use your brain or faith to deal with the emotions, move past them, and learn to control them better next time.

    2.  I had mentioned “praying away the pain” in a post, and I know, Ana, that you weren’t sure how to interpret that.  What I meant to say is that many of you referred to turning closer to Allah, focusing on loving Allah more than your husband to avoid falling into shirk, and praying intensely when Shaitan whispered jealousy and other negativity in your ear, and that this was an outlet to move past the pain.  For me, I’m a new muslim and while I do pray five times a day, I haven’t yet established a deep enough connection with Allah that I turn to prayer when I need comfort.  Perhaps that will come in time.  But in the meantime, I was concerned that many of you felt this was one of the only ways to truly distract and heal yourself from the pain, and I knew that for me, that perhaps wasn’t going to be a natural outlet for me to follow.  I do apologize if “praying away the pain” caused any offence.

    3.  I’m a westerner.  I fell deeply in love with this man.  My cultural perspective means that my instinctive reaction to “sharing him” is confusing for me at the outset.  I am naturally trying to project all my western values and perspectives on our impending union and slowly but surely I’m moving past this.  But, it takes time.  And it takes bumps in the road – for example, a random pregnancy to throw you for a loop – toforce you to analyze what values and perspectives you’re using, and where you might need a course correction, if you’re thinking incorrectly.  Are there areas that I need to work on a lot more?  Oh yes indeed!  Am I proud of the fact that I’ve come this far?  Most definitely.  Luckily, I have found a man who is from adifferent culture than my own – BUT – he is 100% understanding and respectful of my perspectives.  He allows me to say what I am feeling, we analyze why I think I am feeling it, and he is never dismissive of these feelings or tells me that I’m wrong for feeling why I do.  He knows that I am basically moving from one dimension to another, and need time to adjust as I encounter each new aspect and learn to deal with it.

    4. One of you rightfully pointed out that even if I find a man who is free for me, what’s to say that *I* won’t become first wife later on, if he takes a second?  I know I need to marry a muslim, and I know that I want to marry an Arab, so the chances are high it could happen.  I’m 34 and living in a closed society in the middle east, so if I were to seek out a union now, it would likely be arranged.  And let’s be realistic ladies, what are the chances of finding, in Arab society, a 35-50 year old man who is unmarried (or divorced but without a metric shit-ton of baggage), doesn’t have anything heinously wrong with him, and isn’t gay?  So, in all likelihood, I would find myself in an arranged married with someone perhaps not ideal, and with no guarantee that he wouldn’t make me a first wife later, or even worse, find myself in a LOVE marriage and then he takes a second.  

    Compare that to my current situation:  I fell in love with a man who ticks every single box (except the “I’m single” one) for what I was looking for; he’s desperately in love with me and treats me like a queen; and he’s been honest and open with his wife and me at all stages.  I’m blessed that my co-wife is an amazing woman who accepted me into her family with open arms and has encouraged all her children to love me fiercely.  I’m sorry to use this term, but it comes down to the “devil you know vs. the devil you don’t”.  Most of the factors in the situation have been revealed to me so I can go into this with open eyes and I would be silly to run away, just because I felt some jealousy, into the unknown and a potentially much worse situation.  Putting all that aside, the divine Qadr of finding someone who I believe is my soulmate is reason enough to go ahead with this, even if I was going to one of 1000 co-wives!

    5.  I need to mention this – and hope that it won’t be misinterpreted: I don’t see myself as being any better than first wife (I believe someone commented on that below, that perhaps I saw myself as better than her).  I don’t see myself as coming in to replace her.  I also do fully agree that what happens in her marriage is hers, and what happens in mine is mine.  However, although it’s not my business, it’s easier for me to accept my whole situation knowing that I was chosen by him to be his wife.  I need this from a traditional western perspective – it makes me feel wanted, chosen, special.  It is a love marriage from the start.  

    Also, he loves his first wife and will always give her full rights and respect, plus love, sex, companionship, kids, etc. – but I take some solace that it’s the love of two cousins brought into an arranged marriage.  She’s from a village and has no education, but she is an amazing mother, homemaker, very devout, etc.   I’m from the west, with a PhD, a high powered job, and I’m a new muslim ready to grow my faith.  For him, it’s love for her as a mother of his children, as a good wife, as a good woman, as a cousin and valued family member, but not necessarily a burning romantic love.  He loves her for what she does and all the strengths she has.  He loves me for the strengths I have which are polar opposites from hers.  Again, this is not to say that my union with him is better because it’s a “love marriage”, but it alleviates for me some of the jealousy that comes naturally.  Somehow, I see that each marriage and each woman fulfills something for him in a different way.  He has chosen two very different wives because each of us offers something special and ticks the boxes that he needs.  I feel like that makes each union very unique and in my mind, it takes away that “competition” that might otherwise be felt.  Again, no union is better – he “chose me” to fulfill something that he felt his heart needed or wanted, and not to replace something that she already offers or to suggest that she wasn’t offering something she should have been.  Sometimes you want beef and sometimes you want chicken, right?

    6.  Anything can be undone. I’m blessed to be an independent westerner with the ability to leave if I want to.  If I decide this isn’t for me, my circumstances are such that I can leave.  He has been open from the start that I never, ever need to feel like if I enter into this, that I’ll be trapped, and he will always help me to do what is best for me.  That applies to him as well, if it turns out that our union is damaging his first marriage or children’s lives in any way, then everyone needs to re-evaluate what’s going on.

    Thank you again, dear sisters, for taking time to reply to me, for giving me honest feedback, for helping me to see other perspectives, and ultimately, for making me realize that YES, I should go ahead and marry this man who is a great love for me, handsome, intelligent and educated, honest, loving, sweet, kind, a good father, a great muslim, and who just happens to come along as a package deal with a sweet first wife and kids who will be a valued part of my life!

  • Karima

    July 19, 2016

     thanks Ana we ll see how it goes…:

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2016

    Awwww, Karima, he is so cute. You have an adorable husband. He’s right though. I read a book by Dr. Gray. I have several of his books and he said that once men are married they sometimes gets so busy with trying to make a living to take care of their families to the point that the wives think the husbands don’t love them or care about them as much as before. He said that men love when their wives call them at work to say something nice and kind and don’t call to complain about something or to talk about other stressful things. When you mentioned what your husband said, I immediately remembered what I had read in the book.

    Insha Allah, you’ll become comfortable with the situation and you’ll fall inline with everything. It takes time, sometimes years. You’ll be okay. It doesn’t happen overnight and I can’t stress that to you enough. It’s a personal jihad that you are going through. It’s all good. Try as best you can to be optimistic. Don’t let Satan do a job on you.

  • Karima

    July 18, 2016

    Ana

    you know what was hIs answer? Quote: you are in holidays with your children among your family…. And me here working for everybody trying to make a living, till now I didn’t have lunch. And your are telling me till now I am still your husband and dead line and the rest of your thoughts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Instate of saying something nice and give courage to your husband???? Try to enjoy your time there, and be nice with me when I am calling please.

    he has been saying this very often last few months ” be nice with me”. 

    I really don’t know what I’m missing:(

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2016

    Karima,

    I think it’s good you text him that. Insha Allah, he’ll come clean when you return and will tell you the truth. Good for you!

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    Don’t for a minute blame yourself for your husband being with that woman. I used to go on a guilt trip too, blaming myself.

    A woman can be the best that anyone could expect to her husband and he’ll still go out there and get someone else. It’s in men nature to desire women.

    The husbands and wives look for reasons for why it happens, which holds us back from accepting the truth about how Allah created His creation to be. It’s all accordingly to Allah’s will and plan. Allah said He created us in perfect proportion. It’s all good. :-)

  • Karima

    July 18, 2016

    sis Ana please don’t say I’m a better person than you… Not at all I have a lot of faults n sins … N have responsibility why husband turned somewhere else too… He felt neglected n that I cared about my career n self …. N that he finds me an arrogant person sometimes .   :( so I’m no better than you or any one else. Inshallah Allah will give me time to follow Islam totally from every aspect amin

  • Karima

    July 18, 2016

    So I’m far more perfect or handling it better than you or any other woman here … If sthng this blog helped me a lot to control my self stop accusing husband and constantly asking. Him what’s happening.  I texted him and nicely told him to respect me enough to tell me the truth after we return no matter what n that I’ll give it a try n live knowing that woman is his wife- n if it’s not working then I would divorce. Not because I’m against polygyny but because too much happened for many years n I should be able to live with myself. Maybe it’s Written for us to separate only Allah knows….:( 

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2016

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Karima,

    I think it’s some type of unwritten code in that co-wives go through a stage of trying to piss each other off and agitate each other. Lol Sometimes some are agressors and others just react or they go at eac other. I suppose there are some who are cool, calm and collected and never instigate or react. They must be a rare breed

  • Karima

    July 18, 2016

    Salam Ladies

    in the past I did some stupid stuff but that was like 2 years ago!!!!  Then I gave it a rest n believed husband finished his affair. It’s that woman who contacted me the last one year 3 times n made me get wild again!!! Last 3 months I calmed down n suffer from inside but throw no tantrums :(

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2016

    Karima,

    You’re not being naive or childish. You’re just going through an awful lot right about now. No one knows the severity except those who have been through it. Even Muslim women who haven’t but knows it’s a possibility go through a thing just thinking about it.

    You are doing way good – much better than you think. I know about the inclination to act out. I know it far better than you. I won’t elaborate, but you know what I’m talking about. You’re a better person than I am.  Good for you in that you control yourself. You should be proud of you.

    You don’t have to go home and pretend everything is alright with your husband. You could let him know how you’re feeling and what you’re going through. Let him know you’re working on you and he needs to be understanding and patient with you. It’s difficult enough that you are trying to hold it together for your son. You don’t have to be iron woman when it comes to your husband.  I’m not encouraging you to go crazy and snap on him. You, however, can talk with him and communicate with him about your thoughts and feelings.  Talk to him about what you need from him.

    You’re doing so good in analyzing your life and taking a good look at yourself, your relationship with your husband, with Allah and the world we’re living in. You’re getting a good take on your life and I truly believe it’s going to take you to great places. You’re learning patience, tolerance and a whole lot more.

    I pray Allah is well pleased with you. We’re here for you, Sis. Don’t despair. You’re on track…https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Umm of2

    July 18, 2016

    Yes ummof4 enjoy every second. Forty one years is amazing and I thought the nine years under my belt was something lol. MashaAllah may Allah make your marriage even stronger and lovelier as the years go by. 

    Karima you are doing so great. I think I would have probably done something regrettably stupid to make myself feel better for a few minutes  then regret it later during the beginning stages. I was so undeveloped when I think back during those times. you are doing good. Keep it pushing. We are here for you. Much much love. 

  • Karima

    July 18, 2016

    Ummof4 have a wonderful vacation?

  • Karima

    July 18, 2016

    Dear sis Ana

    honestly I’m forcing myself not to let more base feelings to come out at the surface. I always had to be the perfect little parents people husband pleaser and all for what??? Family have no clue how I really feel at the moment nor does so called friends. Alhamdulellah for you and this blog!!! I feel for all of u so much yet I’m consumed with my pain- emptyness bitterness sense of failure in marriage-love and work- having to leave my art :( but I keep saying to myself I left my job mainly for Allah I could nt keep doing it since I’m a different person now I feel I’m changing!!! It’s just stressful not knowing yet what I will do as to finding a good work that will fill me and pay good as well.. As far as husband I want to text him really n swear at him for his behaviour but then again im controlling myself. I don’t want to act like -a bitch cause I’m not that type of person!!! Pls excuse my language n pls allow me to vent here inshallah with time Allah will heal me or make for me a way out. I wish things could be fixed by magic but I should stop being naive n childish. If only I knew nothing if only that woman would never contact me… Ignorance is bliss a sis wrote here , don’t remember who it was! Yes ignorance is a bliss sometimes

    i don’t want to go back home behaving nicely politely faking it. U know my worry is kids will have a wrong role model of a happy marriage. I do not cry in front of them and I never say bad things about husband but if I won’t manage get over this n heal I’m worried they will realize there’s sthng wrong. The moments when I don’t feel good cause a bad thought of husband. Or that woman or of both of them pops in I get frustrated and sometimes tensed n talk angrily to my son or disconnect from the reality…

    i think my love for husband was very wrong unhealthy possessive n this is happening to me now either to shake me , give me a lesson n bring me closer to Allah and pay attention to the kids more n what guidelines I give them for this life or as sis Ana said , to make me see what. Husband really is and not what I want him to be or think he is….

    eirher way is a very long painful procedure!!! And patience sabr is the other thing which I think in learning now… I honestly don’t know how things will turn out but it’s comforting to know you Sisters care n are here for me?

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2016

    Karima,

    I agree with what was said about the love that you feel or lack of love that you feel for your husband. Love changes. Just because you’re not feeling the love right now for your husband doesn’t mean that it’s gone. Sometimes it feels as though we fall in and out of love or don’t love the husband as much. Sometime we could feel we love the husband more. It’s not constant or consistent.

    The good thing about being in a polygamous marriage is the wife gets to re-evaluate her marriage and her feelings. Who wants to put their all and all into someone when the someone is loving someone else? It makes one take a step back and say, for instance, wait a minute; what am I doing?

    Most of all it should cause us to think about our love of Allah. If we think about our husbands more than we think about and remember Allah, then there is a problem. Something is seriously wrong and we better get it right before it’s too late. It’s good to not love the husband as much or that much. It’s a good sign. Allah says in the Holy Quran that He did not put two hearts in one body. Our hearts are supposed to be for Allah. If our hearts are full of love for our husbands where is the room for love of Allah? Our hearts should be overflowing in love of Allah.

    Polygamy can help us grow nearer to Allah, if it’s our goal. No one says we can’t love our husbands. Everything should be in moderation. If our living, our dying, our prayers and our sacrifice are suppose to be all for Allah then we need to have a heart full of love for Allah and there won’t be room for much else.

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2016

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you, Sis and I thank you all for holding down the fort. This is our cyberspace home :-)

    Congratulations, Ummof4. 41 years is amazing. I’m so happy for you. Have a fabulous time on your vacation. I have one coming up in September, Insha Allah, and I can’t wait. I need to get away. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif Enjoy yourself, Sis. I’ll miss you.

  • ummof4

    July 17, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, welcome back.  We tried to hold it down for you as best as we could.

    Sheikah, again, I hope that you have made Salatul Istikharah, (the salah and du’ah we make when making a decision and asking Allah to make it easy for us if it will be good for us and our deen, and asking Allah to keep it away from us if it will be bad for us and our deen).  Know that we all want the best for you, but are asking that you are true to yourself.

    According to what you have written, in my humble opinion you may want to work on your issues of jealousy and wanting to know too much information about others’ private lives before you marry a married man.  I would advise you to wait until after the birth of their baby to see how you feel at that point.  If you still feel extremely jealous and want to insist that they have no more children, then marrying into polygyny is probably not for you.  But remember, if you marry a single man, he still may marry another wife at some point, whether you put it in a contract or not.

    As others have stated, babies are from Allah, not from humans.  I was told by my doctors that I would never be able to have a child – I have given birth to 4 children and had 3 miscarriages.  I have known sisters who have had children that used condoms, pills, tubal ligation, rhythm, IUDs and any other method people try to use to control birth.

    May Allah help us all to be the best of His creation.

    On another note, I’ll be incommunicado for a while.  We’re going on our annual anniversary vacation to the lovely Caribbean.  41 years and still solid as a rock, Alhamdulillah!

  • Karima

    July 17, 2016

    We missed You a lot! Ualeykum assalam. Ahamdulellah the sisters gave good advice mashallah 

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2016

    Hey Karima https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif As Salaamu Alaikum!

    As Salaamu Alaikum All! I missed you all dearly. It’ll take me a while to catch up, but Insha Allah, I will . I love you all https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Karima

    July 17, 2016

    Beautiful answer sis Ana?

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2016

    Sheikha,

    All the ladies here have given you very, very good advice. I know it is a lot to digest, but you should re-read what they’ve all said because it’s good stuff.

    I understand how you are torn as to what to do. My motto is: When in doubt, do without. Of course it is not that easy for you as you are moved by desire and love, which are the things that will most likely drive you to marry the man.

    You really need to consider your expectations of the marriage and the part that you will play. You said you was okay with marrying him as being the one married second until you learned of her pregnancy. You said you were angry at him and at her for not taking precautions. It leads me to believe that you thought your relationship with him was going to supersede hers with him. It seems you thought life was going to be about you and him and she somewhat would take the backseat. Although you rationalized in your head one thing, when you got the wake up call to reality, it didn’t sit well with you. You must be honest with yourself.

    What difference does it make if she has five more babies by her husband, less or more? Why do you think they have to map their lives out, let you know of their plans, and stick to it? Their intimate life and how many children they want to have is really none of your concern.

    This “sisterhood” that you speak of wanting to have may be all in your head because believe me, unless you, she and the husband are believers, putting Allah first and striving in his cause, it’s not going to happen.

    I see it that you are in love with this man and want to marry him. The love is the driving force for you to not walk away. Regardless of what anyone says here, you very well may go through with the marriage because you seem to be moved by desire, and the marriage is plan for just 6 weeks away.

    Someone said you spoke of marrying in a polygamous marriage to get rewards. Rewards comes from wanting to obey Allah and doing as He says. It comes from doing thing to seek His good pleasure.

    The mere fact that one enters a polygamous marriage is no guarantee of any rewards. A person can have the same rewards in a monogamous marriage. Rewards comes from doing good deeds, from being patient, from persevering, from praying, from being grateful, from fasting, from giving in charity, for spending in the cause of Allah. Our living and our dying and our prayers and our sacrifice should all be for Allah.

    As I stated before, Allah has determined what you’re going to do. You just don’t know what it is yet, but you soon will know.

    I caution you to go into the marriage, knowing that you aren’t replacing his other wife and you are no better than she is. It’s not going to be about you. You both are married to the man. You still each will have a private life with him.

    The beauty of striving in the cause of Allah is that you all come together for singleness of purpose. I know no polygamous marriage like it. Everyone seems to be striving to get their needs met.

  • Umm of2

    July 17, 2016

    Sheihka a lot of times contraceptives are not 100 percent dependable but what happens in their bedroom stays in there. Who are you to dictate what they could’ve should’ve done that’s a very personal matter. I would be irate if my husband discussed that with my co wife or a future one. At the end of the day babies are planned by Allah. If it’s meant for you to have one no pill or cond** in the world is going to stop it lol

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2016

    Sheikha,

    I just scrolled down and read saw your post in which you said you are Muslim. As Salaamu Alaikum!

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2016

    Sheikha,

    You stated many of the ladies turn to their faith to take away the pain of jealousy, competitive feelings and “pray away the pain.” I keep thinking about what you said. I’m wondering if you are Muslim. I’m a little unsure as to how to take what you said. It sounded weird to me.

    Polygamy could be a means to turn a wife completely towards Allah so that she can serve and worship Him, which is why we are on this earth – to serve and worship ALlah. In the course of a wife wanting to do that and to purify her heart of base emotions and to accept Allah’s decisions, she turns all her attention to Allah the way He instructs us to. It’s way more than a woman being in a polygamous marriage in which she experiences pain and wants it relieved so she turns to Allah. If she simply turns to Allah to relieve her pain and that’s it, the pain may not be relieved. Allah is not there just to get our needs met. Life is all about Allah. It’s not about a broken heart wife in pain needing relief, it goes much deeper. The reason I ask if you are Muslim is because not everyone is going to understand it. There are people on the outsider looking in talking about saying for instance, those poor ladies or fools, how awful, how sad; they’re trying to hold on and are turning to God. Those saying those things don’t have a clue.

    If you think you could just marry your husband and simply pray away whatever pain you’re feeling and competitive and jealous feelings, you should think again because there is way more to it than that.

  • Jasmina

    July 17, 2016

    Sheikha

    no if I had a choice I wouldn’t choose polygamy, however it is Allah that decides our fate and you cannot run away from that. I accept my fate Alhamdulillah and am grateful for all I have, though deep down I really don’t know anyone who would prefer polygamy. I have a friend that wanted it so badly she married 7 times into polygamy but it never worked so she decided monogamy was for her and it worked out. It’s not because of polygamy, but it just wasn’t her fate. 

    If I were you I would decline this marriage or put things on hold or take a break so you can see what else is out there and then just see what happens. If it’s meant to be it will happen and if it’s not then it will dissolve itself easily.  Only Allah can help u, do istikhara. 

    Having a husband is about finding someone that will bring peace in your life whilst the world is chaotic. Love fantasies are just that and in marriage other things are more important.  Is the man kind, a good provider, worships Allah wholeheartedly, these things are important, and frankly there are so many men with these qualities. The idea that we find one man and that’s the only one who can fulfill our hearts desires is false, in marriage u fall in love for other reasons. Drama in our home and outside the home is a hard life, trust me. Best to pick someone you may not fully be attracted to but will give you an easy life. And if polygamy is meant for u, it will come to you even if you marry a single guy. Pick wisely! But yes if you can’t handle a co wife’s pregnancy now, then it’s very likely you will have a hard time in polygamy. You seem very jealous and that always works against you in polygamy. 

  • Marah S

    July 17, 2016

    And like ummof2 said, please don’t meddle too much in their marriage. Whatever the other wife tells you by her own choice then That’s fine but don’t go looking for answers from your husband about whatever is going on between them or in their home. Their marriage is one situation and your impending marriage is a completely different situation.  I think it makes things easier if you don’t know anything about what’s going on between them. If I had a co-wife I think I’d rather not even see what she looks like, or know what she’s up to. What he gives her that he doesn’t give me etc. I feel it just opens the door to un-needed pain. Sometimes ignorance is bliss

  • Marah S

    July 17, 2016

    Sheikha as for your question is the reward for marrying as a second wife greater than being in a non-polygamous relationship. My belief is that it’s not. Polygamy is no better than monogamy in Islam they are equal. Both come with their sets of challenges and benefits. Both marriages are simply allowed neither of them is better than the other. You’re free to make a choice based on what you think is best for you. If you’re looking for an opinion, if I was in your shoes would I choose to go through with it? Probably not, I’m happy with the situation I’m in now, being my husbands first wife and leaving the choice up to him. But if I was in your shoes I don’t think I would be able to take such a big risk. However you are a completely different person than I am and if every woman was like me then there would be no polygamy. Only you can make a decision for yourself.

  • Karima

    July 17, 2016

    I agree sis Ummof 2

  • Umm of2

    July 17, 2016

    Sheihka welcome sis. Pain comes in all walks of life whether in a monogamous marriage a polygamous one, a disabled handicap child, being diagnosed with cancer. You may think you’re in control and can choose which path of pain you imagine you can endure but you can’t  sis. 

    I know it’s a lot to digest a co wife falling pregnant although it’s natural but you’re not even a wife yet and you are already reacting the way you are. Do you really think the man you are interested in  will discuss his sex life with you. That’s very personal and between him and his wife. You should not have even went there that’s crossing a major line and she has been nothing but kind to you. Do you really think as a husband and wife, married, he confessed his love for her to you are just laying in bed every night not having any sexual desires for one another and not acting on those natural rightful desires. You got another thing coming sis if u do. I suggest you focus on yourself and him if y’all do get married. Comparing and being too far in his marriage with his other wife will kill you emotionally and mentally. 

  • Karima

    July 17, 2016

    Sheikha

    if I were in your situation I would walk away now!!!!  But I am not you. You pray istikhara and make your intent whether stay or not to accept the proposal and u see. All the best

  • anabellah

    July 16, 2016

    Shekiha,

    I only schemed the posts to approve them today and will be back to read thoroughly. I read your last paragraph though. You are correct. Why stay and endure when you’re not yet in it? Make your intention to walk away and move on. A polygamous marriage isn’t for everyone. Maybe it’s not for you. If you walk, it’s Allah’s decision. If you stay and go through with it, it’s Allah’s decision. You simply don’t know yet what Allah has decided. Make your intention to go get a single guy and start over with him. There’s nothing wrong with that. Go for it.

  • Sheikha

    July 16, 2016

    Thank you for your sweet replies, dear Sisters.  I feel like my post was misinterpreted somewhat but I will try to clarify.  Really, I understand that polygamous marriage is a challenge and many of you have spoken about how you turn deeper to your faith to, for example, deal with feelings of jealousy, of being preoccupied with the co-wife and their marriage, or feeling competitive.  I understand and respect, particularly from Ana’s posts, that Allah offers us trials and some see their polygamous marriages as a trial.   Many of the stories on this site talk about how to deal with poly marriage that has not been “actively chosen” by someone – wives, for example, who are informed by their husbands and yes, have the choice to leave if they don’t like it, but these ladies are not actively seeking to enter into this arrangement.  In these cases, you either accept it and make the best of it, turning to prayer or other comforts, but you’re dealing with it.  In contrast, I have to make the decision now whether to enter into it willingly.   And this is my question:  is the reward that comes from this type of relationship – bigger family, sisterhood, etc. – does it outweigh the negatives?  Sisters, if you could choose to enter into this type of marriage or not, would you do it all over again?  

    For those who commented on my feelings about the pregnancy, please do let me clarify that I fully knew a pregnancy could happen. I am not mistaken about what type of arrangement I’m facing.  Thank god, he is a good man and has never lied:  he has been open that he continues to love her and will continue to give her full rights as a wife, and that includes relations.   At any rate, they’ve agreed that she will have her tubes tied after this because the maximum number of children that both she and he want from each other has been reached.  That gives me some comfort that I won’t see “the proof” of relations in front of me again.  I only gave the example about the pregnancy because it opened for me feelings of jealousy that I hadn’t anticipated, and my reaction to the situation scared me – it made me want to know if this was Allah telling me that maybe I’m not destined for this and to turn away from this path.   Or, was this a normal reaction and I just need time to work through it?   

    Also, he didn’t break the privacy of their bond.  It was only in the course of me asking questions such as “how did you get her pregnant now, when it was not intended to bring more kids”, that the topic of relations came up, and he told me that it was very haram for him to discuss this, but as I was an interested stakeholder, I could know that relations were not frequent between them so this pregnancy was unexpected by all, but that this was not to be discussed.  He didn’t suggest they wouldn’t do it, and I never had any ideas or expectations that they wouldn’t continue to be intimate.  The concern came up that another baby came now, when ALL parties (including her) did not intend for it to happen now or at all.   How he has handled the situation, and has a vision for she and I to be true sisters, has shown me his character and he has acted flawlessly in how he’s brought us together so far.  I am blessed that she is welcoming and sweet, but she comes from a culture where she was expected to have a co-wife and comes from this type of family herself, whereas I’m coming to this cold, from a western perspective that favours monogamy.  Sisters, I never thought I would accept something like this, but I unexpected fell in love with him and I am thinking to accept it from him, because of his character and vision for a joint family.

    Ladies – I guess I need to say this in the most respectful way possible.  Many of you turn to your faith to take away the pain of jealousy, feeling competitive, etc. – why would I subject myself to a situation where I need to “pray away the pain”, when I can choose another path?  Is it better to feel short-term hurt if I break away from him and our love now, rather than endure the “Mother of All Pain”?

  • ummof4

    July 16, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Karima, you are on the roller coaster ride of polygyny.  However, if you focus on getting closer to Allah, one day the ride will be like floating down a lazy river on a raft.  Stay with us and vent when you need to.

    Sheikha, I believe it is good that you are being faced with the pregnancy before you are married.  It is showing you that only Allah is in control of our lives.  The only way to ensure that no pregnancy occurs is to not have sex with your spouse.  And the man you are planning to marry has sex with his wife, it doesn’t matter how often.  If you marry him, he will have sex with her and with you, regularly and often.  Only you can decide if you can deal with the jealousy that will probably rear its ugly head.  You are now dealing with yourself in a real way, not in a romantic fairy-tale way. 

    I assume you have made Salatul Istikhara about your upcoming marriage.  If not, please do so; your answer will come with the ease or difficulty involved in your getting married.  It sounds as if you have gone about your relationship the correct way and that the present wife is accepting of her husband marrying you, Alhamdulillah.  If you decide to go forward with the marriage, please know that your feelings of jealousy may escalate as the pregnancy progresses.  Also his wife may go a little crazy due to pregnancy hormones.  I was pregnant four times years ago when my husband had 2 wives and it was the only time that I was a crazy woman and asked for a divorce.

    Sheikha, remember, this life is a test and we will all feel pain.  Marrying a man as a first wife does not assure that you will be his only wife, n0 matter what he says.  You, the man you want to marry and his wife seem to get along well, Alhamdulillah.  If you can control your desires and understand that a husband can love more than one wife at a time, you may do well marrying into polygyny.   The decision is yours and yours alone.  We’re here for you.

     

  • Arzoo

    July 16, 2016

    Sheikha,

    You are so fortunate that the first wife is welcoming and friendly toward you. Its so rare! The only red flag i see is your future husband possibly being dishonest and trying to make you believe that he doesn’t have an intimate relationship with first wife. Now ask your self honestly was it something you said or did that lead him to lie to you. Did you show in any way that if he is already in an intimate relationship with first wife then you wouldn’t be interested in marriage. OR was it the other way around that his lies mislead you to think of his first marriage as not being intimate to begin with and that is why this news is so upsetting to you. Basically what i am saying is be honest with your self and think about the above. If its clearly you reading too much into what he might have said casually about his relationship with first wife then its mainly your jealousy and a wrong approach to polygamous marriage. You shouldn’t go into this thinking that he is marrying you because he isn’t very intimate with first wife. I think you then you need to read all of sister Ana’s posts here to have a better understanding of Islamic polygamy.

    Now one very obvious thing is that he didnt respect the privacy of his relationship with other wife. In addition to that if after honestly thinking through you are certain that he painted a untruthful picture of his relationship while pursuing you then i wouldn’t recommend trusting him for rest of your life. Polygamous marriage itself is a big struggle at least initial phase (like sis Ana says that phase can be short or last forever it varies with person to person).  He talked poorly of his first marriage and didnt respect privacy of their marriage. It also means that he might also lie to her about his relationship with you. Only Allah knows what he has told her about you two maybe that has something to do with first wife taking it so well. But lies come out sooner or later leading a big mess. With all this said, its only you who know all the details and context how things were said and done. Be honest to your self and seek Allah’s guidance. Like Karima suggested pray Istikhara. We wish you very best.

  • Karima

    July 16, 2016

    Ummof2 thank you for your valuable input may Allah bless you . yes I’m struggling reclaiming my heart back from the attachment of my husband and my work-art and redirecting to Allah…

  • Karima

    July 16, 2016

    One more thing… There is no guarantee with. A Muslim husband u will be his one and only.maybe with another husband you would be the first wife but on the long run he could marry someone else too, 3 or 4 !!!

  • Karima

    July 16, 2016

    Salam

    welcome Sheikha

    sis Mara S gave some good advice there! What I like about your situation is the repsect u showed to the first wife both you and the husband as u did things openly n properly mashallah. Also how lucky u are that she embraced you!!! Wow!!! About the rest …. Yes it will be difficult you really need to think hard if u can handle this whole thing emotionally.  Some may say better hurt once and be done with it than to hurt through a lifetime. We never know what will happen. People may change sometimes to

    the better sometimes to the worse.   I always thought my love for husband would never die no matter what but now I am devastated n shocked how much less I love n care about him, naturally he was dishonest n secretive for so long, even now:( that’s my jihad. My test or punishment only Allah knows….

    only u can make the decision. Pray istikhara. I wish for u the best inshallah

  • Marah S

    July 16, 2016

    Hello sheikha welcome, My advice to you is to be honest with yourself. Marrying as a second wife doesn’t mean the relationship between him and his wife will end. They will still be intimate, they will still love each other, they still share children and a family together, that’s what is to be expected. It’s not fair for you to expect him to no longer have a normal, loving intimate relationship with his first wife. Also just because he has agreed not to have any more children with her doesn’t mean that’s what Allah has decided. Just as you have witnessed, if Allah chooses for them to have more children then no one can stop it. It would be better for you to assume that there will always be a possibility for them to have more children. Just as much as their is a possibility for you to have children with him. The good thing is in your situation you are not married yet. You should really think about things and be honest with yourself in terms of whether or not you want this. Whether or not you’re ready to live polygamy and everything that comes with it. 

  • Sheikha

    July 16, 2016

    Salam Alaiykum, Sisters.  I am so happy to have found this site and see all of the thoughtful responses people share.  I am struggling with my own situation and don’t have anyone to talk to, so I am hoping to have some responses from posting here.  

    I am a western muslim convert living in the middle east.  I’m mid-30s, unmarried, with no kids.  I have agreed to marry an Arab man and we’ve had a respectful and very islamically-appropriate “courtship”.  He is devout, intelligent, handsome, kind, etc. – basically everything I am looking for in a husband.  The catch: of course, he’s already married.  He revealed our engagement to his first family early on and they have all welcomed me with open arms.  His first wife, a cousin, has been so open and loving with me and I honestly am so shocked sometimes by how she has done this.  

    Now here is where I am struggling:  just 7 weeks before we are to be married, first wife fell pregnant.  They already have five kids and it was agreed by all (and discussed a lot with me as well) that there would be no more, except those which I would bring.  The pregnancy was unplanned but what’s done is done and there is no changing it.  I cried for 48 hours straight after hearing the news and slipped into a deep depression.  I felt jealousy and sadness at the proof that he was intimate with her, as he was open that their relations are not very frequent.  I felt like he was unfaithful to me by sleeping with another women, even though it is her total right and she is the wife – not me (yet)!  I felt anger at both him and her for not taking precautions for another baby and especially right before the life-changing event for all of us, of us being married. It’s now only one week since I learned about her pregnancy and while I am starting to get over the feelings of jealousy about them being intimate, I am not ready to look into her eyes and have avoided being around her.  Allah forgive me, I have even had many thoughts about her having a miscarriage and I have such shame that I did this.  

    It’s now 6 weeks before our wedding and the situation above opened a lot of fear and doubt with me about whether I am able to handle being a second wife.  I thought I was okay with it, with sharing a man, with having 50% of time, etc., but my reaction to the news above shocked me.  I go back and forth between looking to this as a test that I should embrace, or, seeing this as a sign from Allah that this is NOT the life for me and that I should not go ahead with the marriage.  I know islamically, and from reading on here, that the feelings of jealousy, being almost obsessed with thinking about co-wife, and feeling frustrated at not having a “full husband” are completely normal.  What I want to know is, is it worth it?  Is the love I feel for him, and the sisterhood I can have with her, is it worth the tears, anxiety, stress, and sleepless nights that I know I will face?  Or should I seek another situation where I can find a man that is free for me and without such a complicated situation?

    I am genuinely torn every day, every hour by these thoughts of what to do.   My heart is telling me to marry him because we have fallen deeply in love over the better part of a year now, but my mind is telling me that I shouldn’t accept to enter into a marriage that I know will bring me pain that I have to struggle with.  I wonder why I am subjecting myself to the situation when I am in a good position – still relatively young, highly educated, financially independent – and can find a free husband who will take me as his one and only.

  • Karima

    July 16, 2016

    Thank you all for your valuable advice may Allah bless you? Inshallah I’ll put myself together soon

  • Umm of2

    July 15, 2016

    Sis Ana I understand life could get chaotic. We miss you and miss your input. Take it easy. 

  • Umm of2

    July 15, 2016

    Karima sis you are still in the transition of refocusing all that love and adoration you had for your husband and redirecting it towards Allah. It’s a very difficult thing to do. Don’t worry once your love for Allah is where it’s supposed to be all else will fall into place. Hopefully that bitterness towards your husband will vanish and if it dosent perhaps Allah wants you to see your husband for who he really is. Stop trying to figure out what Allah has in store for you. Just take one day at a time. Other than your husband not being straightforward and honest he seems like a keeper. He hasn’t stopped loving you like many men do. They just go after the next best thing someone new and adventurous and leave their old life in the past but he seems like he still loves you. Maybe right now you’re not ready to receive it. And he should understand that and be patient. It’s a test for you both. You can stop apologising im sure during the beginning stages we all said and felt things we shouldn’t have its an emotional roller coaster.  You’re not crazy. I have no doubt once ALL your love is locked away in a safe sanctuary for Allah only, every other avenue in your life will start to improve you will see a big difference. Your marriage will be better than ever before InshaAllah. When we don’t remember Allah as often as we should or we don’t love Him as much as we should or show our gratitude towards Him or praise Him as much as we should He puts us in situations where we have no choice but to turn to Him. He makes the people you want to vent to unable to understand your situation so they can’t help you. He wants you to turn all your attention and tears towards Him and make you realise at the end of the day only He has that Power. You can do this. 

  • Mari2

    July 15, 2016

    Karima,

    Relax.  Pray.  Read Quran. Pray. Sleep.  Filling your mind with what ifs and his attraction to her is just Satan whispering to you. Today is not the day for you to try to figure out your emotions.   Today is the day to turn to Allah. 

  • Marah S

    July 15, 2016

    I’ve never been a romantic or affectionate person. When i first got married I used to get uncomfortable if my husband hugs me for too long, or kisses me too passionately. It’s something I had to get used to. I’m just like my mom she’s not into romance and affection either. When I was growing up I hardly ever got hugs from her or kisses on the cheek/forehead or even heard I love you. I knew she loved me but it was unspoken. I’ve had to learn how to be affectionate, force myself to get up and give hubby a hug, or tell him how much he means to me lol, it was a real struggle. So I guess that makes me different from most other women. My husband is way more romantic then I am and sometimes I feel like he loves me more than I love him, it makes me feel bad. 

  • Marah S

    July 15, 2016

    Karima I don’t think you have to apologize for the way you feel, these are your emotions and you are entitled to feel pain. It’s not supposed to be easy, polygamy is difficult especially in the beginning I don’t think anyone here will look down upon you for getting emotional. You’ve been dealing with this for a couple years now, and obviously you’re still struggling and that’s okay. It takes time to adapt to difficult situations. Maybe one day the love will return between you and hubby, or maybe it won’t return at all, only Allah knows. The most important thing to do when you feel sad is to turn to Allah, he is the only one who can actually change your situation.

  • Karima

    July 15, 2016

    Salam sis Ana

    i hope you are well. Thanks for allowing me to write my thoughts 

  • Karima

    July 15, 2016

    obviously if I was enough for him none of this would have happened :( how to stop feeling sorry of myself?  How to figure out what to do? I’ve become an emotional eater meaning I binge and all:(((. I feel unhappy and miserable and I don’t like myself 

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum All,

    I got so much going on now. I’m trying to get here. I miss you all (hugs)

  • Karima

    July 15, 2016

    I wish I never met him:( https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

    im sorry I sound immature n silly. Really I have no one to turn to just this blog and Allah

  • Karima

    July 15, 2016

    Many times i read here if I want a way out i should make an intention

    and leave the matter to Allah. Maybe it’s written for me and maybe it’s not.  If my free will was that strong why i can’t move? Why I can’t figure it out? I’m here venting and giving u a headache? I hope not:)

    its very hard….honestly I just wish he kept providing for us but left the house. I wish he would realise things cannot be fixed.  No better I would wake up and I wouldn’t have these troubles i wish i could turn back time and the Minuit I sensed her danger to make a scene n kick her out of his life at the very beginning before emotions would develop n all…

     

  • Karima

    July 15, 2016

    i just don’t get how I can have an intimate strong bond with him when he might be having sthng similar or more with that woman.  

    The way things happened hurts. U don’t think before I become Muslim I didn’t like another guy? But when I saw he has a girlfriend he was not a candidate any. More. I could never take anyone from a woman and break them apart. Maybe my ideas are fairytale like ?

  • Karima

    July 15, 2016

    forgive me if I sound like an unbeliever and I’m offending anyone:( 

    its just so hard and honestly I feel trapped and I wish I didn’t have the kids so I could break free.  But then who knows if I would have the slightest chance to enter jenah- n with such doubts I may end up in hell:(((

    im sure some of u may think how stupid I am for trying to figure out Allah s plan and go against him:( that’s not what my intention is. 

    The thought of husband loving that woman and being with me out of obligation because of our long history and because of the kids is disturbing.. He might really love me n he might not. Do I know anything of him? Apart from routine eve day stuff questions n kids issues we don’t talk I m not interested in asking as there might be plans with her too that affects our future. Nothing is sure

  • Karima

    July 15, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum

    dear sis Tasliyman

    your post brought tears to my eyes…. Sometimes I wonder why we have to suffer that much and do men have the slightest clue what we are going through?? I wish we could hear a male voice on the matter. Or they take it for granted is it that natural for them they can have many wives – n if womanizers, whether Muslim or not- they can just have fun and break women s heart? I mean its very hard for us women no? Why it has to hurt that much? We do we have to do all the work? Why they worth more than us???

  • Tasliyman

    July 15, 2016

    Aslm Karima  

    You are still “in the middle of the storm” so to speak. I don’t think it’s unusual that you feel disconnected from your husband but I think that will change again.

    You’ll soon realise that your love for Allah and your love for your husband is actually two totally different things. You don’t need to love your husband less to love Allah more. But we need to make sure that we don’t love our husband’s the way we should actually love Allah.

    I’m just speaking from my own experience here; some people may disagree with me.

    I used to be a hopeless romantic and my expectations of love have always been based on fairytales, love songs and what I’ve seen in movies. Needless to say, it didn’t quite happen that way. My husband is not the traditional romantic type at all. He has his moments but it’s nothing like candle lit dinners or love declarations under the stars. Not even close.  

    Being in a polygamous marriage, the difference in my expectations and reality was obviously going to cause problems for myself. It forced me to look at my expectations and accept that it is not realistic.  

    Through this process (of actually trying to accept that my husband loves another woman) I actually got to the stage where I realised that the type of love I had for my husband and wanted him to have for me was not actually an Islamic type of love. We shouldn’t be thinking of each other every moment of the day. We shouldn’t actually feel like we cannot live without the other person and that we would die if they ever left us. Where does Allah feature in our lives if this is the type of love we have for another human being?

    Once I started working on my relationship with Allah everything else started to fall in to place. I don’t even know how it happened but somehow I’ve come to accept that my husband loves and care for another woman. I’m ok with that because I believe that it is Allah’s will. I tell myself that if I have a problem with that I should take it up with Allah, not my husband or the other wife. That usually gets me to accept it and move on quickly because there’s no way that I am going to argue with Allah https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif.

    My husband noticed that I was different during the time that I distanced myself from him. If anything it made him reach out to me more instead of pushing him away. Alhamdulillah we have found our connection again and our marriage is actually stronger than it was before. I still love him. A lot. But not in a way that it is all that I am about.

    I am a stronger person now than I was, because no matter what happens I know I will be just fine as I have Allah as my Protector.

    Sorry for the long post. I get carried away sometimes.

    Well that was my journey. I realise that yours will be different especially because your husband is not being open and honest with you. This is making it harder for you to accept whatever the situation is and to move on. But I just wanted to let you know that I think you are going to OK. The things you are going through is hard but with Allah on your side, you will be just fine.

    Even though things look bad, there’s always a chance that it will end good. Situations are temporary and can change in an instant, if Allah wills.

  • Karima

    July 14, 2016

    this is the first time in my life I feel disconnected and not in love with Husband . I am at my parents in another Country with the kids and it’s all about them having fun enjoining their cousins company and all…. The glass has been broken too many times and I’m really not in the mood of more super. Glue!!!  I leave it to Allah. I will not force myself to feel anything I should allow I think this bitterness emptyness to finish its circle and inshallah move on. Naturally I m in touch with husband and I’m polite n all but I am sure he has realised by now I am a different person who cannot treat him like before/ mini God treatment- and wall for nothing … Anyway Alhamdulellah I’m over him big and I can start worshipping and serving Allah in a better way

  • Karima

    July 14, 2016

    Salam 

    Ladies, inshallah you are all doing well and Allah may give us all strength and guidance in our lives amin!!!

    tasliyman I used to feel very sorry for myself too. Humiliated too. Now I realised that most men are like these, no matter what gorgeous smart woman they may have after some years or at any time they may get attracted to someone else, especially when the woman becomes a mother. Do they all marry more than one? Do they commit adultery? Of course not but some are. In the west is so easy now to commit adultery:( just for fun, expecting nothing in return:( where is this world heading to? Could it be the fun we get from buying shoes n bags they get it from flirting etc? I’m not a big shopping fun by the way… These are not ways of a true believer but people when are in a weak point then the Satan is partying I guess…

  • Tasliyman

    July 13, 2016

    Ummof2, I also find it amazing how I can relate to so many things others mention here. 

    I remember when I just came across I used to feel so sorry for myself as I was convinced that I am the only person who has to deal with these kind of issues.  Turned out to be the furthest thing from the truth.

     

  • Umm of2

    July 13, 2016

    Even about maybe a year ago we got into a disagreement and I blurted that out I didn’t even know I was going to say it until I said it. Which means the wound I thought was patched and healed was actually still very raw. Then the person she was telling a bunch of lies to was a family friend on my side for as long as I could remember. Since my toddler years and she was like uhm hmm basically agreeing my mom and father still hosts her and her family very often. I never mentioned a word to her nor my mom or family not that it would have made a difference. Allah never permitted me to and I’m thankful for it. Everything came around in FULL CIRCLE Alhamdullilaah. 

    Thank you for the reminder of the meaning of life You wrote it so beautifully  The Holy Quran is indeed a miracle  every time I read it it’s like it’s my first time so much knowledge  Allah speaks on each and every thing no one could be left with any questions or confusion after reading the Quran, unless his heart and mind were sealed for whatever reason while reading it I suppose that individual will have a mountain of questions  

     

  • Umm of2

    July 13, 2016

    Sis Ana it really was a low blow. Until this day I don’t know what I did that was so called unfit to do as a mom. My child is always clean fed and loved and paid attention to. What more could I have done. I think I did pretty darn good. I could have said plenty of things about her parenting but that’s not my character to taint someone else’s. I could have blamed the whole start of this on her by thinking well she should not have said it and I would not have found out about it. No I always blamed myself saying I should not have snooped. But like you said Allah is the revealer and it was meant for me to find out if it wasn’t I wouldn’t have. I was utterly shocked because she smiled in my face I really wasn’t expecting it. I haaaad to snoop because I felt it was too good to be true the smiling the acceptance at first. Motherhood is a really sensitive touchy subject for me. I went irritate she knew which buttons to push and pushed them haaaard. I hate when co wives do that though take their anger out on the kids. I’ve experienced it and heard stories of it. What do innocent children have to do with anything. It’s just not right. 

  • anabellah

    July 12, 2016

    It all boils down to knowing the meaning of life, which people search a lifetime trying to find out what it is.

    The meaning of life is in the Holy Quran. It’s why it’s a waste of time to talk with people who don’t read the Quran and have understanding of it; they won’t be on the same page. They lack knowledge. They are the ones who ask the questions such as: Why don’t you leave your husband? Why do you tolerate it? You could have a better life? You don’t have to make bad choices. There is a better life for you (yeah, in Paradise/Jannah) and the questions go on. Those people don’t know what Allah says about tests, punishment, patience, being grateful, perseverance, prayer, worship or anything. Then those very people impose their ignorance on the people who are trying to serve and worship Allah when Allah tells us not to listen to them. He says don’t take heed to them. He says don’t obey those who neglect the remembrance of Him. Only Muslim/believers try to stay conscious of Allah at all times and remember Him.

  • anabellah

    July 12, 2016

    Umm of 2 Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It is sad when a co-wife attacks another wife’s innocent child. It’s a low blow. What’s sad as well is that she, your co-wife said something that makes absolutely no sense. How could a young wife be unfit as a mother just because she is young and never had a baby before. It’s the same as if she said all first time mothers are unfit. Any woman who hasn’t had a child before embarks upon and new experience, and she has to learn it. It doesn’t make her unfit. What your co said is senseless and for her to say something so ridiculous, she was grasping at straws to find something to attack you about. You would have to attribute what she said to “pure Jealousy” as you said.

    Bottom line is you found out what she said, and it too was meant to be. For what reason Allah wanted you to know what she said, only Allah knows. A person can forgive, but it doesn’t mean the person forgets.

  • Umm of2

    July 12, 2016

    It’s so unbelievable how I can relate to so much on this blog without even professing it to begin with. In one hand it’s nice having people who you can relate with who have been there done that but on the other hand I know what how painful the stages of polygamy can be and it makes me sad that others endured that pain as well. But i know it’s a test. Those before us were tested what makes us think we won’t be tested. We are not in this world to live in bliss with no worries every second of every day. Let’s not confuse the after life with this life 

  • Umm of2

    July 12, 2016

    Salaams ladies

    i wanted to speak on the snooping as well as i am too guilty of this in the past. As they say when you look for something you’re going to find it. And as a result even til today the false things my cowife said about me and my six month old baby at the time me being a young unfit mother it cut deeeeeeeep and it’s always in the back of my mind even though it happened years ago but our relationship will never go further because I know what she is capable of. How can someone have anything negative to say about a little innocent baby. I know now it was pure jealousy. I just keep thinking if I never came across that info I probably would not have went through so much bull crap with her. I pray Allah helps me to completely forgive because I know in the end it’s weighing me down. I pray Allah never lets me go back to my old habits. It was so difficult to stop but never stop asking Allah to help you stop. He hears your supplications and will deliver. 

  • Karima

    July 12, 2016

    Salam sis Ana and Tasliyman you are both right!  I should trust Allah and believe the truth will shine when the time has come with what’s written for me. And indeed with spying more harm than good is happening. I shouldn’t try to play smart …

  • anabellah

    July 12, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    I like what you said in terms of what Allah wants revealed, no one can conceal and what Allah wants concealed, no one can reveal. You stated, “It weird that something so small can seem so significant?” You said it nice and sweet. It is a unique feeling and it does feel like I have “special connection with Allah” when he gives me a revelation.

    About the habit of spying and snooping, in time, Insha Allah, it will stop. What’s important is to make your intention. Don’t give up regardless of how many times you falter. You must persevere in your intent and efforts. I know how frustrating it can be to find oneself doing something over and over again that one knows is wrong and wants to stop. I’ve been there struggling with the snooping and spying and I know it a situation that is conquerable. It took me many of times doing the same thing over and over again and eventually with the help and permission of Allah I was able to stop. Every now and again I get tempted again to pick up my husband’s cell phone. I’ve gone as far as to pick it up once or twice; I remember Allah and then I put it down. but I thank Allah much I’ve been able to refrain from taking it further. :-)

  • Tasliyman

    July 12, 2016

    Ana,

    It really is an awesome feeling. I felt so special like I have a special connection with Allah. Is it weird that something so small can seem so significant? 

    Karima, I thought of you when it happened. Maybe you should let go if trying to find out the truth from your husband and trust that it will be revealed to you when the time is right?

    I still have the bad habit of spying and snooping. I have made my intention to stop doing it. Bad habits are hard to break though but I am determined to let it go In-sha Allah. 

     

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2016

    karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s what I’m trying to do too. It’s amazing to watch it all unfold. Some people think it means one does nothing but vegetate – do nothing. It’s impossible to vegetate unless one is in a coma. They don’t understand. We do what needs to be done, but don’t go above and beyond. Everything has a natural progression. We don’t have to go trying to figure things out all the time. There is no need to snoop. I’ve been there and done that. I learned the hard way. Nothing good came from snooping and spying. I may have found out a thing or two, but the damage done was far worse than any knowledge that I gained. I ruined my own soul. I hurt myself and other people. It was a lesson learned.

  • Karima

    July 11, 2016

    Salam

    once sthng big revealed to me by itself without snooping around either… Naturally I had doubts n questions but wasn’t sure of the matter… Then  when least expected bang!!!! Allahu akbar.  I’m trying to put my trust in Allah and just lay back and watch divine power unfold itself if that’s what’s written for me on the specific matter.

    masalam Sisters

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2016

    Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Isn’t it amazing when something like it happens? It’ phenomenal. There is no feeling like it in the world when Allah reveals something to us that we weren’t even looking for, or maybe was wondering and left it at that. Then he reveals it to us. I take it as a sign of Allah’s Magnificent. I love when it happens.

  • Tasliyman

    July 11, 2016

    Aslm

    Ana, you always say that Allah will reveal what He wants us to know when He wants us to know it. Today I experienced just that. 

    After deciding not to go snoop around for details on a certain matter, the information just presented itself to me in a way I never imagined.

  • anabellah

    July 9, 2016

    I wrote a post/theme primarily for lurkers/”sympathizers” out there in cyberspace who pop in to write from time to time:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-fault-finders/

  • anabellah

    July 9, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    I hope you all had a wonderful and enjoyable festive completion of Ramadan celebration. I pray Allah is well pleased with us all.

    It was a long and arduous one this time of the year, yet we survived it and I pray we derived many blessings as a result of it.

    Love to you all! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

     

     

  • anabellah

    July 9, 2016

    Jasmina, Eid Mubarak to you, too, dear Sis https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Jasmina

    July 9, 2016

    Eid Mubarak. Love you all!!!

  • Marah S

    July 6, 2016

    Eid Mubarak everyone I hope you all had a lovely eid, I love you all so much. May Allah accept from you all the sincere efforts that you made towards becoming closer to Allah <3

  • Arzoo

    July 6, 2016

    Thanks Ana for allowing all different voices on this blog. Its hard to moderate a discussion because everyone comes with their own life experiences, beliefs and circumstances. You do an amazing job to keep this blog focus pro-Islamic polygyny as well as allow difference voices as much as possible. its a difficult job and i admire you for all the time you put in managing the blog and providing a platform for those who dont have any other place to vent, share their personal struggles with polygyny. 

  • anabellah

    July 6, 2016

    polygamy 411

  • anabellah

    July 6, 2016

    Umm of2 and Arzoo, Eid Mubarak ladies and to all the lovely ladies, as Arzoo said, the beautiful commentators, and silent readers too. I have so much love in my heart for all the beautiful people who have helped form Polygamy 411. You all are truly amazing

    Arzoo, I admire your strength and staying power. You are a diehard, which I like about you. You inspire me to be a tougher person and more tolerant and understanding. I appreciate it. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Arzoo

    July 6, 2016

    Eid Mubarak !! Ana and all beautiful commentators and silent readers :)

  • Umm of2

    July 5, 2016

    Eid Mubarak sisters 

    May Allah accept all of our worship. Supplications ,and efforts during this Holy month of Ramadan. May Allah give us steadfastness on the path of righteousness, elevate our iman cleanse our sins and bestow His blessings and mercy upon us in this world and the next. AMEEN. 

  • anabellah

    July 5, 2016

    Wishing you all a very Happy and blessed Eid!

    polygamy 411

  • Karima

    July 5, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum

    Eid Mubarak to all of you!!!

  • anabellah

    July 4, 2016

    I’ve been doing some crazy spelling LOL

  • anabellah

    July 4, 2016

    Marah S,

    I did the exact same thing that you did. When I accepted Islam, I called myself a “Sunni Muslim.” I blindly followed what everyone else was following. My wali did too. Then he, his wife and eye really started focusing on the Holy Quran and we learned that all we had learned were untruths. Much of it contradicted the Quran. It contradicted what Allah says. People think one has to follow the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and it’s separate from the Quran. They just can’t see that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received the revelation and he lived the Quran. He left us his Sunnah -way of life – which is the Quran. Aisha supposedly said that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was the walking Quran.

    In reading the Quran, one would know that Allah says the Quran is complete and replete. As you stated, Allah says the Quran is complete and perfect. Nothing needs to go with it, especially not man-made books. The Quran leaves out nothing big or small. It has all that we need in it. It’s the only Book that Allah Himself has protected.

    When I began to follow the Quran only, my whole life changed. Allah says He will dispose of the believers affairs towards comfort and ease. It’s a beautiful feeling and life is beautiful. I still have challenges and test, but they are surmountable. They are easy to pass because I learn to focus all my attention on Allah and don’t set up partners with him or make anything else equal to him and the Quran (other books etc I don’t put with the Quran). For anyone to call themselves a particular type of Muslim is defying Allah. I’m simply a Muslim, which is what Allah named me.

    I agree with you – no wonder Muslims are killing each other like animals. You’re so correct.

    Unfortunately some people don’t learn. They hold onto what they were taught and won’t let go, even when the Truth is brought before their very eyes. They just can’t see it.

    I love being with like minded people. {{{hugs}}}

  • Marah S

    July 4, 2016

    i agree Ana there really aren’t that many Muslims anymore and that is because they have abandoned the quran and chosen to follow other books instead. It makes me sad to think how grateful I am to live in a non-Muslim country because living in Muslim countries is unsafe these days. I used to blindly follow what the rest of the Muslims were doing. Until I actually started using my brain and decided to follow only the Quran and trust what Allah says. The Quran is all we need it is complete and perfect. I used to call myself a Sunni and I was taught as a young child that there are two types of Muslims: Sunni and  Shia. But Allah has warned us about separating into sects, no wonder they’re killing each other like animals

  • anabellah

    July 4, 2016

    This one just happened in Medina, Saudi Arabia, not far from the Prophet’s (PBUH) Mosque:

    http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-36706761

  • anabellah

    July 4, 2016

    Whole families were killed in Iraq during the bombing, during the Holy Month of Ramadan

    http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-36701882

  • anabellah

    July 4, 2016

    Marah S ,

    Yeah, I hear you loud and clear. It’s a sad state of affairs for Muslims today on this planet. Muslims are killing Muslims daily. Muslims are having to flee from Muslims in so called Muslim countries, having to flee to non-Muslim countries for refuge, seeking help from non-Muslims. The whole world is blowing up. Here it is Ramadan and in Iraq there was a bombing that killed close to 200 people and injure close to 200 people. Most of the injured were children. The families were shopping for the Eid to celebrate the completion and end of Ramadan.

    I don’t care what anyone says, I know the Muslims have turned their backs on Allah. He says don’t break our religion up into sects. He said don’t take anyone or anything as partners with Him. He says accept the entire Quran and all His Messengers. Muslims have disobeyed Allah, now look at them now. It’s not Rocket Science. Allah tells us everything that we need to know in the Quran, but no one listens to Allah. They do their own thing devoid of knowledge from Allah. Allah promises so much good to the believers in this world life (this planet) and much more in the Hereafter. Well, I suppose there aren’t a whole lot of believers out there today. Allah’s promises are true. We reap what we sow. There is no unity out there amongst Muslims because they all think whatever sect they belong to is the right one, when there should be none. SMH… It’s quite simple, but many Muslims are just as blind as the non-Muslim – deaf, dumb and blind… very sad :-(

  • Marah S

    July 4, 2016

    It’s so sad to see Ramadan come to an end, it always goes so fast! I hope all of you have lovely plans for eid. And keep in your prayers those who have been victims of violence and lost family members this Ramadan. I don’t know if it’s just me but it seems like the state of the Muslims is getting worse and worse. Ramadan used to be a peaceful and sacred month for the Muslims but it this year has certainly opened my eyes to how bad it really is out there. People are losing their minds, and have no boundaries anymore.

  • Marah S

    July 4, 2016

    Number 4, yes I agree young people don’t usually think too far into their actions. I always find it amusing to see what people my age are up to. I find that I’m so different from them. I grew up fast. I, for. The u.s too lol, my parents were immigrants though.

    ummof2. Yes they are peculiar especially since they are all new Muslims and both of the wives were teen moms and brought children into their marriage. It seems like the odds are stacked against them but I’m rooting for them it seems like they truly want to make it work, and accept polygamy. And seriously I’ve never seen a man so happy. All he talks about are his two wives. He’s so excited for eid so that he can take pictures of him and his women and their four kids and show off a little bit to his Muslim friends lol, I just hope they grow out of some of these habits.

    I don’t post much on social media either, But it can be nice to stay in contact with friends and family. When I was in college I would get really sucked up Into senseless things on social media but when I started focusing more on Allah I outgrew a lot of it.

  • Umm of2

    July 3, 2016

    Lol that roller coaster is sick I might vomit riding that but I want to ride it hahaha. I love roller coasters been riding on them since I was tall enough too. I have ridden the biggest and fastest in the entire. It was so fast in fact it only lasted eight seconds, unbelievable 

    Marah S wow that’s an interesting situation. They’re all so young and inexperienced, fresh out of highschool wow. I think all that extraness will ware off soon enough it’s only been a week. Social media I just don’t find any need for it except for keeping in touch with family from time to time if they are not reachable by phone or for business. But posting my every thought every move and reading what everyone else is thinking and where they’re going it just takes away valuable time I could be using to do something productive. I hope they’re just being newlyweds and will soon redirect their love and attention towards ALLAH instead before they’re forced to :) To each their own just my thoughts about it. 

  • Number 4

    July 3, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum….

    Marah S… young people rarely know the consequences of their actions until it’s too late.

    Social media isn’t good for any relationship.  In order to protect what you have,  it’s best not to write about it or boast about it.  Polygamy is normal in a Muslim country but in the U.S.A where I’m from, it’s not understood by most people so  posting about your relationship could be harmful even a monogamous one. This friendly  “competition between wives” could get ugly very fast. 

  • Marah S

    July 3, 2016

    YAY!! New discussion thread  https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Ive been thinking, I wonder how the age of social media affects polygamy. I mean I imagine it’s kind of hard for a husband who wants to keep whatever is happening in his separate homes private. It seems like everything goes straight to social media these days. Theres one family in particular that I know. They’re extremely young the husband is 21 the first wife is 23 and the second wife is 18 she just married him a week ago. Mashallah they are a beautiful family and they really try to keep it together. The wives act like the best of friends and have nicknames for each other. But I always notice these little social media competitions between them. When the husband posts a picture of one he has to post a picture of the other. And then the wives each proceed to write extremely long elaborate love letters under the pictures. And when one wife posts a picture of what’s going on in her day of corse here goes the other one she has to post a picture too and then again with the extreme love notes. Lol!!!!! I think it’s kind of cute and innocent and a little immature but I suppose that’s expected since they are all very young. But man it’s only been a week, won’t it ever get old? I can’t imagine for wives that don’t get along all too well it must be a serious challenge.

  • Karima

    July 3, 2016

    Oh my God!!! I would faint for Sure lol

    thank You sis Ana inshallah things will work out Amin ya Raab!!!

     

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2016

    I think I’d have a heart attack on that ride LOL

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2016

    Karima,

    It should be interesting to see how things are once you and the children return from visiting your parents. It’s an excellent thing you’re doing by taking a vacay away from all the craziness. You could use the break. It will give him a chance to miss you too. Maybe there is some validity to the saying that “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”  Try not to think much about what’s going on back at home with him and the other. Thinking or worry about it won’t do you any good. So, Insha Allah, enjoy your time with your parents and cherish the time that you get to spend with them. We never know how much time we have left on this planet to spend with them.

    You’re doing really good in focusing all your attention on Allah. He’s the Only One who can really help us. Things can get better. Allah’s promises are true. He promises so many good things to the believer in this world and in the Hereafter. We just have to do our best to be that believer https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2016

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    The roller coaster ride is crazy. One day eventually that ride will be over and everything will be steady. Then you’ll be on the Ferris Wheel LOL or the the Merry Go Round.
    Just be glad you’re not on the “Total Mayhem” ride LOL

  • Karima

    July 3, 2016

    And im With You everyday by the way Mány Times throughout the day and night when I’m on the roller coaster lol

  • Karima

    July 3, 2016

    Salam 

    sis Ana honestly I didn’t have much to say that’s why I didn’t write anything…. I’m trying to change my attitude see things differently take one day at a time and leave everything to Allah. Inshallah He will make it easy on me whatever awaits for me in the future. I tried to respect the month of Ramadan n the fact we fast so I didn’t open any discussion. With husband and don’t plan to after eid either as I will travel with the kids for a month to my parents. We shall see if sthng will change when I’m back… Honestly I don’t know what I feel anymore. It’s lots of feelings in one, frustration dissapointment loneliness bitterness etc. Oh well we ll see what the future holds alhamdulellah for the good And the bad, ás With hardship comes ease! 

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2016

    Ooops,  Umm of 2, you wrote about it to me on the post that you addressed to Karima. I’m forever making mistakes Sigh LOL

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2016

    Umm of2,  As Salaamu Alaikum, Sis,

    I’m glad to hear your mom will be able to order the book for you and ship it to you. It’s very nice of her  :-)

    What I wrote to Laylah relates to what you said about we go through basically the same thing – true thathttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2016

    Karima,

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam, dear sister. I hadn’t heard from you in a short while and I was getting concerned. Then I remembered you was affected by the video of little Ahmad, so I thought you got scared straight and turned over a new leaf https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif. I’m glad you’re still with us.

    Sis, I’m glad the blog is helpful to you. It’s helpful to many because there are ladies like you here who talk and share. Thank you for being one to share. It’s the gift of giving… https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2016

    Alison https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gifmy dear Sister,

    Ramadan was wonderful. It’s sad that it’s coming to an end. I definitely feel Allah’s protection when it’s here and I sense the aura in the air that it’s a blessed month. I pray you have a nice Eid. Hugs and kisses back to you took, my dear friend https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2016

    Laylah,

    It’s funny to hear you say that you identified with everything in the book. It just confirms what I thought. I think all wives will be able to relate to what the characters in the book went through LOL On the older version of the blog, there were so many people who said that it seemed I wrote their story. It’s amazing we wives have so much in common. It’s why I think polygamy is a process that wives must go through to get to acceptance.

    You are an amazing woman. It’s wonderful that you took your children to see the co’s new baby. You are a gem. I don’t think there are many wives who would have been able to carry that one out. I’m impressed. Good for you. Alhumdulliah. I pray Allah is well pleased with you. You Rock! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    I don’t know a lot about your background in terms of whether you were born in a Muslim family or a revert Muslim. What I have come to find is that most revert Muslims embraced Islam because they believe in the message. They want to learn it and live it. Unfortunately, many reverts, not knowing any better, learn the wrong thing and hold onto it because it’s what the masses are doing and believe. They don’t look at the Muslim’s state of affairs globally to know that something is wrong with what the masses are doing -sectarianism etc.

    I got a little off track. I’m trying to say that some, not all, revert Muslims are trying to get away from living the way non-Muslims do. Born Muslims on the other hand are trying to leave what they know of Islam whether it’s the correct belief or not and they tend to embrace the non-Muslim way of thinking and living. I noticed it. My Egyptian friend is one who had told me that he wants to live the “American Way.” He wanted to go out and party, date, etc.

    It’s amazing when a Muslim who was born in a “Muslim family” starts sounding exactly like a non-Muslim. Sadly, they can’t see it. To try to talk with them is the same as trying to talk to a non-Muslim. They can’t hear anything that is said about the Truth. If you think about it, there have been people here who say they are Muslim, but seem not to hear much of anything said about Islam. They simply hold onto the secular. They keep returning the dialogue to it.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif It’s my observation.

  • Umm of2

    July 3, 2016

    Sis karima I’m so glad we were able to help you out a little bit by taking our experiences and weaving it into advise for you to cooperate better with the situation you were put in. Good for you sis:)

    ana sis I can’t wait to read your book. My mom is ordering it from Amazon and will mail it to me. I can’t wait to add a review. I’m sure I’m going to reminisce an awful lot with your book. We go through basically the same exact things just with different ppl. 

  • Karima

    July 3, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum Ana and Ladies

    cant thank you enough for creating this blog. You cannot imagine the tremendous help I received and im receiving from it. Thank you. Jazak Allah kheir and Eid Mubarak

  • Alison

    July 3, 2016

    Hey asalam aleikum hope Ramadan was great want to wish all a lovely eid in shaa Allah

    Kisses and hugs. Anna hows you hope alls well

  • Laylah

    July 3, 2016

    Salaam everyone x

    Ana thank you so much. I read your book and identified with everything! In fact at the beginning of the book I was so cross with my husband! He couldn’t understand it… I told him, well you are the Alec representative in this house and I’m really so fed up with you! He was like… Whaa? Lol x 

    I feel hopeful now. Since I got to the end. My co gave birth. I was able to take my kids to see the baby. What a beautiful baby Masha Allah. And I am able to encourage them to be excited about their new brother. I don’t know if she and I will ever be cordial. But I’m letting it go. We don’t need to be. I think for the sake of the kids we can try and cease hostilities. Insha Allah x 

    I fluctuate alot so I don’t know if I will always be in this good place. Alhamdulillah, it’s this group that helped me reach this mindset in the first place. JazakaAllah all x

  • Tasliyman

    July 3, 2016

    Arzoo 

    Thank you for replying. 

    Firstly I want to say that I agree with you that everyone will be held responsible for their own actions. This was never in dispute. A rapist can say – its not his fault , he was only acting according to a script that was already written – but it wont get him free from punishment. Not in a court of law and certainly not on the day of Judgement. 

    I’ve said before that you do what you feel must be done – this actions will then be good or bad and you will be held accountable.

     

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for July 2016. We thank you all for being here with us. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussion. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the June 2016 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-June-2016-discussions/