Polygamy 411 May 2015 Discussions

polygamy 411 May 2015 Discussions Welcome to our polygamy 411 May 2015 discussions. Polygamy 411 blog and support group is for all who have a positive interest in polygamy. We invite all to join us to talk about the topic. Feel free to talk about how it relates to your life. Let us know what you know of polygamy and others.

Our blog is not about how well anyone writes. It is not about punctuation, spelling, grammar, correct or incorrect English, or any of those things. Writing skills do not matter to us. We urge all to express yourself in a way that is easy for you.  We allow our writers to use symbols, as well. We limit distasteful, raw, or disrespectful language.

When reading our polygamy 411 May 2015 discussions, please be mindful that we are diverse

When reading our polygamy 411 May 2015 discussions, please be mindful that people from all over the globe are with us at polygamy 411. For many who are here, English is not their first language. For those whom English is their second language and they write here, it is amazing. It is awesome. We only need to know how difficult it was, and is to learn our own language to know what it takes for people to learn a foreign one. I’m fascinated by the writers here.

I admire anyone who can speak or read a foreign language. I have hope that I will speak fluent Spanish one day before I leave the planet. Allah knows best if I will. It seems there isn’t enough time in the day to do all that I’d like to do. I’m grateful for what Allah has blessed me to do. I am thankful for this blog.

I am so delighted to have you all join our polygamy 411 May 2015 discussions

I am so delighted for you all to join our polygamy 411 May 2015 discussions. Barring a few exceptions, we welcome all on the planet to our home here. Please share with us as much as you would like to share. Share what you are comfortable with. We’d like to know your thoughts on what you read here, as well.

Please note, we do not accept anyone who is anti-polygamy. We will not allow anyone here to ask people to hate polygamy. This is not a blog for those who reject polygamy as a good way of life.

Most people feel uneasy when they write on a blog for the first time. I remember the first time I wrote on one.  It felt strange. I felt as though people knew who I was. Today, many people know who I am. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. In fact, there is a kind of freedom in being known. Let loose. Don’t worry so much about what others think. Be you. There is only one you.

For those who have missed reading any of our Polygamy 411 April 2015 discussions or would like to refresh their memory, the link to the thread is: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-April-2015-discussions/

With all of it said, loosen up. Relax and let’s chat…

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138 Comments

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2015

    This thread is now May 2015 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the May 2015 discussions and welcome in June 2015 discussions.

    May 2015 is now closed. Please join us over at https://www.polygamy411.com/june-2015-discussions/

    May 2015 discussions

  • anabellah

    May 31, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to all our wonderful cyberspace blog friendly friends.

    Please note there is a new post up for a reminder to all of us. It’s https://www.polygamy411.com/wife-possesses-husband/

    Shortly, we’ll begin a new thread for June 2015 discussions. I take it everyone is well as it’s been a bit quiet here. I pray everyone is well, all is good and you’re at a good place in your lives. Love to you all!!! Big Hug smiley face

  • anabellah

    May 30, 2015

    @dk Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Hello my dear brother. I’m glad to hear you’re still going strong and all is good with you families. Alhumdulliah!!! Keep remembering Allah. Continue to be good to your wives. Treat them kindly, with equality and justice. Insha Allah, keep us posted on your progress. Keep the Faith….

  • anabellah

    May 30, 2015

    @Mari2,

    Thank you for updating us on your SIL’s situation with her son. I’m not at all surprised that her husband blames her for their son’s autism. Muslim men from many of those countries tend to blame the women for all that goes wrong in any matter.

    I always say, once the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) left this earth, many Muslims went back to behavior and thinking of pre-Islamic times. They put together books (Hadiths) to do it. Not many people rely on the Quran (the Words of Allah). They made up their own rules and said the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) supposedly said it. Whatever the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said to certain people that did not end up in the Quran, if in fact it was said, was only for those particular people whom he spoke with at the time. It was not for everyone – the Quran (the Words of Allah) is for everyone. If people actually read the Quran, they’d know it.

    As I said Mari2, I’m not surprised about the SIL’s ignorant husband.

  • dk

    May 28, 2015

    sister and brothers ofcours assalaam u alaikum

  • dk

    May 28, 2015

    Assalaam u alaikum to all sisters

    long time
    how are u all brothers and sisters
    iam alhamdullialah vary fine and wiht my hole family and the new family
    to and avery things r fine alhamdulillah
    wassalaam your brother

  • Mari2

    May 27, 2015

    Just a quick note on nephew. He received an ASD diagnosis. Not surprised. My poor SIL however was told by her husband that their son is autistic because of her. She doesn’t pray enough therefore all is her fault. And her husband is an educated man too. When m told me what her husband said, I cried. For her and the unfairness of the blame. The therapies her son needs in Pakistan will cost close to 1000 USD per month. Allah in his wisdom did place a woman who runs a school for special needs kids in my SILs path. And while M’s nephew may not be receiving the best of treatments, at least my SIL and her son are getting something. I will continue to pray for them.

  • anabellah

    May 25, 2015

    @Ariannah,

    Awww, thank you much!!! :-)

  • Ariannah

    May 25, 2015

    Happy anniversary, Ana!
    And many more to come.

  • anabellah

    May 23, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone Little Cutie Says Hello

    I’ve written a new post/thread. It is nothing we have not already discussed. It’s a topic that is important and it’s a reminder for all of us.

    It’s important to stay mindful of Allah at all times. It’s not an easy thing to do. It’s a personal jihad. It’s a battle with self. It’s why we all need all the reminders that we get. I’m definitely in need.

    It may seem repetitious, but I relish repetition, if it’s beneficial. It benefits me and I’m hopeful it will be beneficial to us all. The link to the post thread is:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wives-remember-co-wives/

  • anabellah

    May 21, 2015

    @Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    It’s very nice of you to standby your sister-in-law in this difficult time. She definitely needs all the support you could give her. She’s going to have to learn to be super strong and ignore the ignorance. There is a lot of it out there. Having an autistic child could very well be a huge test for her. How she perceives it and her faith or lack of faith in Allah will determine how she fares in it. I pray Allah blesses you for your kindness and helpfulness towards her. As long as you’re conscious of Allah while helping her and are not doing it for any other reason than to seek His good pleasure you’re good

  • Mari2

    May 20, 2015

    Salam to all,
    @Gail. .so happy to hear from you. My prayers continue your way. Be strong.

    SIL went to Shifa International Hospital today and saw a pediatrician who basically also believes her son to be autistic. But he wants further screening done, so my SIL remained in Islamabad with her foster mom and has a screening appointment tomorrow. Wonderfully enough, in Islamabad there are doctors educated in the west and there are autism centers that provide the therapies children need. However, if my nephew does receive an official autism diagnosis, my SIL will need to remain in Islamabad to receive therapy for her son. In M’s village 2 hours from Islamabad nothing is available. And my nephew is non verbal at the age of 2 so requires immediate and intensive intervention.
    Its very difficult as a parent to receive a diagnosis that your child may have a deficit. I personally know that. But I especially feel for my SIL because she also has to deal with cultural ignorance too. Already family is whispering about how her first son drowned when he was 18 months old, and now the second son has issues. Jinns, bad luck, and Allah’s punishment are the theories being discussed. It makes me want to cry for her.

  • anabellah

    May 20, 2015

    @Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for keeping us posted. It is wonderful news that you and your husband communicated about the issues concerning your marriage and it’s working out. It’s especially good that he intends not to interfere any longer with you and she communicating. It’s nice he has an idea what the housing arrangement will be like when you each of you visit the country the other lives in.

    You said you don’t want to use your co’s real name. It’s very good. Here we don’t want anyone to use anyone’s real name or any detailed information that helps those noisy people with ill intent to go fishing around for information to create mischief (reveal people’s identity). There are envious, haters out there who can do NO good, just evil.

    It’s beautiful that your co wants to help you out after the eye surgery. It could be one reason the surgery was delayed so she would be there for you after it. It sounds to have potential for you and her to be very good friends.

    You’re right; Allah always works everything out. The hurt you feel from the lies he told are soon to subside, Insha Allah. Allah tell us to forgive even when angry. No one is perfect.

  • shaima

    May 20, 2015

    Salam Alaykum, inshallah ur fine . Khadija wehre Do u search a flat in germany? We have one and. Search somebody for few months. But more private when u have interest; )

  • Khadija-S

    May 19, 2015

    Salam Alaikum,

    Just a quick update. They ended up postponing my surgery for six weeks. Got out of that for today. :)

    I do have some good news too. My husband finally talked. He said that the only reason he lied was so that it would be easier for me when he left me alone. That does not excuse his lying, but at least it gives some reason behind it. Now, we will both go to Germany together. He will rent me an apartment for when we are there, and my co wife (don’t want use her real name) will come to Canada to visit too.

    She actually wants to come during Ramadan and during my surgery to help me. Insha Allah, things are looking up. We will finally be able to meet in person. We are allowed to speak to each other again. There is still a lot of hurt, but I am feeling better. Insha Allah, everything works out.

    Gotta run for now. Hope everyone here is doing fine. I will try to catch up with reading some post later.

    Salam

  • javeria

    May 19, 2015

    @ coco

    lol, i guess thats true, its nasty of people to say things like that though, fact or not, why hurt somebody for nothing? what could you possibly get out of it? i didnt say anything because, as you said words get carried and twisted all the time and then i’ll be in more trouble than im in already lol. im okay, feeling alil bad for having to possibly hurt my sister in law, my mil and hubbys sisters are feeling like im being insensitive n what not, but i think its more insensitive to ignore someone and make them feel like nothing to protect someones ego. oh well, if im right, alhamdulillah, if not, i pray allah forgive me and grant me the wisdom to do better next time

  • coco

    May 19, 2015

    Mari2
    Wowwwwwwwww that’s shocking to hear and I don’t blame you for your disappointment. I don’t know much about this matter but I’m assuming since your husband’s nephew may be autistic, your husband may also carry the gene. I hope your co-wife realizes or your husband makes her realize that we are often tested by what we hate. What if he is a carrier did she ever consider her future offspring may be born this way too. It’s absolutely ridiculous and sad she finds the baby annoying smh! Maybe she’s just doing it for attention, young girls who tend to marry husbands older sometimes try to come off as a fragile damsel in distress for the husbands attention and affection I don’t know anyways bless you that you are there to guide and comfort the parents may Allah reward you. xo

  • coco

    May 19, 2015

    javeria
    I’m glad you invited her and yes you may be having a “oopsie I made a poopsie” moment for taking a decision in anger lol but when you were clearheaded you felt it was right to include her as well so it’s all good. And yes you must be feeling pretty disappointed upon hearing such things from your husband’s niece but if it’s Pakistani/Indian/Arabs you happen to be dealing with then just ignore such words unless you hear them from the source. People like to make bold statements based on opinions at times rather than actual facts. So even if you feel a rush of anger overcoming you just end the conversation you don’t want any of your words being misquoted ahead you’d be surprised how messy it could get. Hope you’re feeling peachy today though! ☺️ xo

  • anabellah

    May 19, 2015

    @Gail,

    I definitely am not surprised that educated doctors go to the mosque to listen to Imams who may or may not have a high school education. Nothing surprises me anymore. It doesn’t surprise me anymore that hardly any Muslims out there have read a Quran. They have no idea what’s in it. Now that is scary to me, but not surprising anymore.

  • Gail

    May 19, 2015

    Ana,
    I am sorry I had no idea u were worrying! Sorry for that!I been meaning to come on everyday but dang between working and dealing doc apts and kids and house and hubby and inlaws and the property.I was off work today otherwise i would be sleeping right now! lol

  • anabellah

    May 18, 2015

    Dear Gail,

    Woman, you don’t know how worried I was about you. I kept checking to see if you checked in and I was getting so scared. I was so upset not to hear from you. I am soooooo happy and thankful to Allah that you are okay and they got all the cancer. What EXCELLENT news. Don’t worry about the scar. It’s important they got it all and you have a good prognosis. Thank you for letting us know you are alright. One never knows how much someone means to another until something happens. Anyhow, I can relax now. I was telling the hubz and my wali how worried I was about you.

    I have to run for now. Be back ASAP. I wrote this quickly, so please excuse any errors

  • Gail

    May 18, 2015

    Mari2,
    I agree with Ana.Your cowife and the child thing may come from Pakistani people believing in evil spirits being in people is my sincere guess.Yeah it is crazy to us but when u r from a culture that has so much well i don’t know what to call it other than mumbo jumbo.
    U would not believe but my mother inlaw believes in spirits getting into people and alotttttttt of other stuff.Also keep in mind u have educated doctors in Pakistan going to mosque to listen to an Imam that may or may not even have a high school education.So in that regard what do u expect?Better u try to educate her or laugh it off is about all u can do i think.Your nice lady to help your sis inlaw though.

  • Mari2

    May 18, 2015

    @Ana
    yes M said “scared”. Funny face, grunting as verbal communication, “walks funny”. Two is “scared”. And maybe she is seeing this poor child as a chuckie doll. M had to reassure her that the poor boy “is not going to eat you”. That’s what he told her: he’s not going to eat you. Really? Basically 2 is annoyed by his nephew’s presence. The toddler is autistic, not a minion of shaitan. Two is supposed to be educated. Really?

  • Gail

    May 18, 2015

    Ana,
    Sorry I have not checked in lately.I have so much on my plate.I still have my stitches in but I got my pathology report back and they did get all the Cancer so I am very happy about that.I am so ready to get my stitches out in 2 more days.It is hard sleeping with stitches behind my right ear.The cancer was in such a crazy spot but the good thing is my hair will hide the scar so i am thankful for that.
    My concern right now is the Depo shot i took i am having horrible side effects from that crap.Do u know that insane shot has been banned in alot of countries yet USA the FDA seems to think it is ok to give the poison to us.I am so sick of how FDA works and how these doctors do not protect us when it comes to the drug industry.Sorry for the rant.
    Hubby and I r in the process to get septic on our property so we can start buying mobile homes to put on it.We already sold one and hubby is screaming to get the large septic in.lol
    There is talks of us going to Pakistan this winter but not sure if we will go yet or not.

  • anabellah

    May 18, 2015

    @Mari2,

    You may want to take a closer look at your husband’s other because she may be somewhat limited as well. There are co’s out there who have some serious issues that we tend to overlook and think they are simply partially brain dead. You may need to show some sensitivity towards your husband’s other. We tend to just see their faults and don’t sympathize with them I know it’s a difficult thing to do. I don’t know whether I’d be capable of doing it. Based on the field of experience you’re into, you may be way more able than I am.

  • anabellah

    May 18, 2015

    @Mari 2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Alhumdulliah that you are trying to help your sister-in-law. It’s probably a blessing for her that she has you with all your expertise.

    I assume M’s sister and the nephew live in the same house as M’s cousin/wife, so the cousin/wife is upclose and personal with them. I could see how looking at the child and listening to him may feel weird for the cousin/wife – but “scared”??? Are you sure M used the right descriptor? To be scared she’d need to think the 2 year old is capable of harming her. Maybe she has been watching too many scarey movies like “Chucky”

    Oh, well… This world is made up of all kinds…

  • Mari2

    May 18, 2015

    Salam to all,
    I seriously just need to vent right about now.

    M’s sister has a young son whom I have suspect as being possibly autistic via our conversations regarding his speech and social development. I don’t suspect via some random idea. I have a BS in child development and a M. Ed in early childhood education. I’ve worked for what seems like centuries with special needs children in a professional capacity and I have a special needs child as well. Allah creates all kinds.

    M’s sis arrived back in Pakistan 3 days ago with her 2 year old. Non verbal, and prone to a myriad of behaviors indicative of a possible autism diagnosis. M asked me too look into finding help for SIL via my position in USA. Ok. I will try.

    During the same conversation M expressed to me that I must help because 2 year old child behaviors were “scaring” number 2. Seriously. Apparently 2 is afraid of a 2 year old because he “grunts” and his “face looks wrong”. I was soooooooo mad. Furious beyond belief. Then I became the anti wife. May Allah forgive me.
    I accuse M of being married to an 8 yr old. I suggested that 2 scratch doctor or educator off her bucket list and replace her career choices with something involving nail polish instead.
    That said, BiL and I researched and found some great options in Pakistani for my SIL and nephew. We spent hours online and found hospitals with adequately trained pediatricians. We are working together to get our young nephew a consultation. MASHALLAH for a caring uncle.
    But I am wholly disappointed with my husband and his desire to put his 2’s fears over what is best for his own nephew.

  • anabellah

    May 18, 2015

    @Khadija -S Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I will make duah for you that all goes well with your eye surgery. Don’t worry!!! Put your faith and trust in Allah that all will be alright. Pray Allah will make your surgery a success and give you a speedy recovery. Thank you for letting us know you will be away for a while due to it, so we don’t worry about you.

    I think you called it right about why your husband doesn’t want you to communicate with the other. He doesn’t want you both to find out what he’s telling each of you. This way he could say whatever he wants to each of you and not worry about it causing any problems. Sigh. Be patient as you stated. It’s the best thing to do – patience, perseverance and prayer. If he’s doing anything wrong, don’t worry; he won’t get away with it. Allah sees and knows all things.

    It’s sad when husbands take their wives away from everyone and everything they know so the wives become solely dependent on them. It’s a form of manipulation and control. SMH It’s just not the way to go.

  • Khadija-S

    May 18, 2015

    Salam Alaikum,

    @ana

    He came home, but he does not want to talk about it, right now. He acts like nothing really happened, and it isn’t a big deal. I guess I have to be patience a little longer. Insha Allah, he will discuss it with me,eventually.

    Canada can be awfully cold. You do get use to it. Now, when I go south, I can’t handle the heat. I guess it’s all what you are use too.

    @ummof4

    I am confused why he doesn’t want us to have contact too. I am beginning to believe it is because he doesn’t want us to find out that he is telling us different things.

    I do go out of the home, but only with my husband. He takes me shopping, etc. He has never wanted me to have friends. I only go to the mosque for Eid. I am able to speak with my friends on Facebook. At least, I have some contact with others. My Facebook friends are not muslim. They are people I went to school with, etc. I really don’t have any muslim friends.

    Tomorrow, I will be going in for surgery on my eyes. Insha Allah, all goes well. I may not be able to come online for a while. I am not sure how long it will take for me to be able to see again.

    Salam

  • ummof4

    May 17, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Khadijah-S, Welcome to the blog. It is often best for people not to make promises, particularly husbands in relation to marriage. When the promises can no longer be kept, people feel guilty, and wind up telling lies of omission so they won’t be seen as breaking promises.
    I am confused as to why your husband does not want you to talk to his other wife in Germany, especially since you two were friendly before. I also do not understand why he asks you to stay in the house and why you have no friends. Everyone deserves some fresh air once in a while and some friends aside from their spouse.
    Alhamdulillah you have found this blog. Stick around, you’ll at least have some friends in cyberspace; then you can work on getting out of the house and meeting some like-minded Muslim sisters in your area. There are thousands of Muslims in Canada.

    May Allah bless us all with His Forgiveness, Mercy and Love.

  • javeria

    May 17, 2015

    assalaamulaikum lovelies :)

    @ ana
    i missed you this weekend too. i hope i have it on straight and it stays on lol… this co situation is grating on my nerves. shes so hot n cold its making me dizzy. allah grant me patience inshaAllah. in the meantime, i have to start getting the baby’s room ready. lots and lots to do!

    @ coco i decided to invite her. my motive may be bad though. yesterday i was speaking to hubbys niece about the whole situation. she said its a tough one and she understands my position but its a dangerous thing to invite her because after all i myself was only accepted by hubbys family because my co accepted it. if she had shown resistance i probably wouldve been in the same situation as this woman and if hubby had pushed it he wouldve been out right along with me. i was so shocked at her comment! i had no idea the sentiment was that way and i didnt say anything to her about it but i was quite offended. she made it sound as though i should be grateful to my co for accepting me or i wouldve been an outcast. not only that, my husband should be grateful as well that she ‘saved’ him from being disowned. i dont blame it on my co, she’s never expressed any such sentiment or made either of us hear about it. i honestly cant say how much truth there is to her words, its very possible she is completely right, she has no reason to lie and she generally is quite straightforward. and if thats the way his family feels why should i bend over backward for them? so i invited the second. i will tell the first that ive invited both of them and if she chooses not to come, then so be it. and if the rest of the family have a problem wel then they can also get line. im so mad about the whole thing! maybe its bad that i decided while i was angry, but i always felt it was right to invite both, i just feelt bad for the first and for possibly outting the family in a spot. now i dont really care how they feel about it.

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2015

    @Dear Gail,

    Where are you my dear sister? I’ve been thinking of you and need to know that you are okay. Please check in and let us know you are alright. Flower 3

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2015

    @khadija, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I pray all goes well with your reunion with your husband this evening. Yep, I wouldn’t put much credence in what he says, if I were you. You know what Allah says – those who trust put your trust in Him.

    See what your husband’s intentions are and you put your faith and trust in Allah that He will give you what is best.

    Canada, is a wonderful place. I absolutely love, love love Montreal. I’ve been there several times. I asked my husband if we could move there. He said no. We were there once in the winter and almost froze our tushes off. It was brutally cold. Winter cold I thought I was going to turn into an icicle. I’ve never been that cold in my life.

  • Khadija-S

    May 16, 2015

    Salam Alaikum,

    @coco

    Thanks for the welcome.

    @Ana

    I am not understanding his mindset either. It will take a lot of talking, when he gets home. Believing what he says will be difficult. The trust has been broken.

    I moved to Canada from the United States when we were married. Canada is where my husband was living. We lived in one city for about eight years. He always talked of moving. Finally, we did. Now, we move all the time, it seems. In the last two years we have lived in three different cities. We are now living in the French area of Canada. It is so confusing. I don’t speak French. It makes it hard to make friends, when you don’t speak the language.

    I feel that he is going to approach me to move to Germany. I just know it is coming. I don’t want to move there. I don’t think there is any way we could live there legally. Immigration is not easy. When I came to Canada, it was five years before I could go back to the United States to visit. I had to wait for my permanent resident card, before I could leave the country or take a chance on not being let back in.

    My mind is just all over the place, right now. I am sure I will feel better once he is home again, and we can talk. Insha Allah, that will be early this evening.

    Hope everyone is doing good today.

    Salam

  • Mari2

    May 15, 2015

    @coco
    Thank you for your kind words. Loving a man from another place and culture has definitely been an experience but I would not trade it for anything. I am fortunate that M is pretty calm and being here for a good while has westernized him a bit. As for not living with co….that too is good. I was very tense about that and could only forsee problems. I prayed that Allah guide me as to what to do and HE took the issue off the table for now. A great burden lifted for me. But more of a financial burden for M as to maintaining 2 separate places. Inshallah he will work that out. There’s still plenty of time for us to figure the financial aspects.

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @javiera, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Sis,

    I did miss you. You’ve got your head on straight, so there is nothing I could add about what you said regarding the delay in the move. It’s all good. Keep the faith. You’ve got it going on

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @Khadija-S, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I don’t get how your husband’s mind is working. You really have a lot to talk with him about when he returns.

    How did you end up leaving everything and everyone you know? My husband wanted to uproot me and still does. He wants to take me away from everyone who I know and everything that I am familiar with. I’m like – no way Jose. I ain’t going. It ain’t happening. Divorce me first because I’m staying around the people I’m familiar with, the environment I’m comfortable in and my biological family and my non-biological/Islamic family. It’s my way or the highway (for him) on this one. I’m not about to budge. I’m not afraid of being alone. I understand your situation though, Khadija-S. You have health issues that require you have someone with you. I’m not underestimating it.

    Khadija-S, Allah may have placed you in this situation so you will turn completely and totally to Him. He is the only One we can count on to be there for us all the time. He is the only One we can depend on. He has promised us (believers) so much. A believer believes what Allah says. He says He will take care of us, provide for us and remember us when we remember Him. He promises to dispose of our affairs towards comfort and ease. I have found His promises to all be true.

    You don’t know what your circumstances will be tomorrow. Allah may have you meet some people who will become your new best friends. He could have your husband return from Germany and say he won’t be going back as he divorce the other wife. With his track record, it’s not far fetch. Ya feelin me?

    Don’t despair. Wait till he gets back and have a serious sit down with him. I don’t know whether you’ll be able to believe a word he says. Who knows Anyhow, you shall see…

  • Mari2

    May 15, 2015

    @Ana
    You are right about what matters now may very well not matter later. And since second won’t live with me, a relief indeed, some of what I have worried about in the past is moot now thankfully. I think I need to speak up on important matters and just learn to let the little stuff go. Unfortunately I have one of those detail minds that is hyper focused at times on the tiny things.

  • coco

    May 15, 2015

    Assalaamualeikum and a BIG hello to the lovely beings!

    Ana
    The shoot went great I very much enjoyed it but I was absolutely spent when I got back home! As for my mom liking him yes she did. He was quite nervous and upset he looked like he was sitting in the priniples office for cheating on an exam in high school. My mom also said he reminds her of Derek Zoolander which honestly I always also felt. He seemed like he aged in maturity years it was good to see. There are just a few obstacles that have been added to the mix regarding his family that I don’t wish to get into nothing that really fazes me as I think everything is ALWAYS for the better we just understand later on in life. But things seem to be right so far Alhumdullilah xo ☺️

    javeria
    I’m glad to know my shares don’t go unnoticed ☺️ if I were in your place I would definitely invite your sis-in-law’s co BUT if your at a good place with the in-laws. Keep in mind it may get ugly if you can handle it diplomatically then go ahead but do let your sis-in-law know beforehand so she has the choice to decide of whether or not she wants to attend the tea-party. Keep us posted! xo

    Mari2
    jazahkAllah for sharing your life experiences wherever you can, I really feel like I have a heads up as to what happens once polygamy is a part of the picture when dealing with tribal Pakhtuns not pretty and I’m so happy that I won’t have to be a part of them. I’m also very happy to hear you both won’t have to live under the same roof shukar Alhumdullilah that really had me worried especially with monster-in-law in the mix! lol xo

    Khadija-S
    Welcome to the blog! You’ve found the right place to attain clarity and solace! As soon as your husband comes clean I think everyone will be in a good place inshAllah. I hope you stick around you set a great example of perseverance in a polygamous lifestyle ☺️ xo

    Hope everyone has a great weekend lots of love ❤️ xo

  • Mari2

    May 15, 2015

    Javeria
    I would invite both but tell each that you have invited the other. Maybe one will attend or maybe none. Let the decision be theirs.

  • javeria

    May 15, 2015

    assalaamualaikum everyone :)

    sorry for the ate response, hectic past couple days!

    @ ana i completely agree, the copycat thing is far from flattering. it has happened before and probably will again. who knows anymore. so it seems my moving has been put on the back burner, the deal on the house we were looking at fell through… sigh im quite disappointed, but its Allah’s will, maybe He has something better in store for me. still sad about it though. maybe it is better its on hold until atleast after the baby is born… Allah hu aalam.

    @ Laylah you are ready to go! im 34 weeks. frankly tired of rolling around now lol just wanna get it done with. i do hope you are coping better, and just because you are pregnant and older than your co doesnt make you in any way inferior! you are what you feel darling, and if you feel as wonderful and beautiful as you are, your hubby will definitely see it too and will be drawn to you.

    @ coco thank you always for the inspiring shares, they always seem to come just as needed!

    so, side bar. i need advice on a small problem. im having a tea party thing and i feel like i need to invite my brother in laws second wife even though his first wife is still anti acceptance. some of the sisters here will remember i mentioned her situation a while back…. i just feel that i need to include her, it isnt fair or kind that she continue to be left out for the sake of the first’s feelings. am i wrong in this sentiment? the first is very unhappy at the moment, everytime i see her she is tense or upset or crying. on the other hand ive been told she is telling people her husband had an affair and accusing him of committing zina and putting his kids up against him, his marriage and the second wife and all sorts of horror stories. so i partly feel bad for her and partly feel like she needs to catch a wake up now, its enough…so advice.. how do i tell the first that im also inviting the second without hurting people and getting in the middle of her and my bro in laws drama? i suspect that the first will not attend if she knows ive invited the second, but i think it might end badly if i dont tell her and just let her find out when she arrives. ive considered not inviting the second but i think its cowardly of me to do that especially being a second myself and having people tell me i have only been accepted by my husbands family because my co wife allowed it. i know what it feels like for people to take sides and reject you in this situation and i feel this woman needs a friend, especially since she has no family or anyone to lean on, to speak of. Please help!

  • Khadija-S

    May 15, 2015

    Salam Alaikum all,

    Alhamdulilah, another day. I will just be so glad when this is not what I think about all the time. I hate being so emotional. One minute I am sad, the next feeling sorry for myself and then furious. The lies are what get to me

    I feel bad for myself, because of being left alone. It is not just being alone, I have a medical condition that makes it unsafe for me to be alone. We are living in a new city now, and know no one. When he leaves me, I am all alone. No support at all. No one to call if the car breaks down. Which it did, and I had to park it until he got home. That means no way to go for food. Alhamdulilah, I keep the kitchen well stocked.

    I especially feel bad for my co-wife. I know when they first got married, she was suppose to be coming to Canada in two months. That was about two years ago. She married a man that she thought she would be seeing every other day. Instead, she has seen him for eight weeks. Because, he has been hiding her from me for the last one and a half years, she can’t call him. There is no telling what he has told her, but I am sure that she hates me now. I am sure she thinks this is all my doing.

    It just makes me furious at him. Can I strangle him when he gets home? :)

    There is my rant for today. Thanks for listening.

  • Laylah

    May 15, 2015

    @ Farah really! That is awesome! We should meet for coffee and a chat sometime Insha Allah x

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @mari2,

    I had to go back and fix the last post. I was copying and pasting and forgot to paste part. Silly me.

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @mari2,

    Your post had me chuckling. It’s so funny. What you described sounds about right in the beginning stages of living polygamy he, he, he. So each of you including the ex-co take turns going whacko on M Red Neck Laughing It’s toooo funny. That’s what men get. Men do get delusional thinking all the wives and the husband will live together and live happily-ever-after. They are definitely living in their heads in fairly tale land. They need us to bring them down to reality – get a grip on life.

    I know you must have been relieved to learn the co has no intention of living in your home. Well, it’s a burden lifted. It certainly makes things easier for you. I think it’s the best thing that could have happened. The thought of the two of you living together with the MIL was a nightmare waiting to happen.

    Wives definitely can speak up about expectations and what they think fair and just is for everyone involved. Now whether it will turn out the way everyone wants it is a different story. As long as you stay grounded that it will ultimately be the way Allah decides, you’re in good shape. But, yes, you can voice your thoughts about the matter without a doubt. All of you are feeling your way around in this, so you have to have some give and take.

    Remember Allah tells us in the Holy Quran to conduct all our affairs with mutual consultation. Of course, since the men are to be the head of household, he gets the ultimate say. Women have a right to speak what’s on their minds and be heard. It why when the marital couple can’t resolve matters they could call in people from both sides to arbitrate the matter.

    It’s not in the Quran, but I read Aishah, one of the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) spoke up and defended herself when she was accused of hanky panky when she got left behind out there in the desert. Khadijah, the first wife of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) had her own business and money. She had wealth. She asked the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) to run her business for her.

    It wasn’t until after the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) death that people resorted back to pre-Islamic times. They began to treat women as possession and chattel again. They made women subservient to men and began to oppress them again. It a sad state of affairs for Muslims today.

    Anyhow, back to the question – yes, speak Sister, speak…

    After you get more comfortable in the polygamous marriage and with time what matters now won’t matter anymore and. We just begin to settle down and accept Allah’s decisions. We just go with it as we see what Allah says unfold. We begin to have comfort and ease. Things seem to fall into place and most of the time it seems in our favor. Even when it seems it’s not favorable to us, it’s all good. It’s beautiful…

  • Mari2

    May 14, 2015

    @ana,
    unfortunately for M all of his wives including the ex occasionally go whacko. Luckily for him we take turns…lol. M tries his best to show each of us patience. I will give second her due and say that she tries to deal as well as she can with the situation. There were tears naturally, threats to tell her father and destroy the reputation of his immediate family. He smoothed it over. I’m sure he used his charms, told her whatever it was she needed to hear. He’s good like that.
    She does refuse to speak with me. That is fine. She flat out refused to live in a co wife household when she comes here. Fine by me. Let’s me off the hook too. So all in all I’m fine. M is disappointed because he had envisioned some polygamy disney-esq happily ever after scenario with two wives skipping around and holding hands. Had he ever had the opportunity to live in an all girl dorm he might be more aware of how women in general tolerate one another. Yes men can love more than one woman, but to assume that the women they love will automatically love one another is sheer madness. It’s awesome when co wives work well. But it’s not necessarily a given, especially at the beginning.
    That said, M and I had a conversation last night that dealt with fairness in a polygamous marriage and a husbands differing expectations among his wives. Sure age and stage among multiple marriages can give a husband differing expectations for their wives, but is it just? Can or should a wife ask or speak up about inequality in expectations? I’m in a quandary about this. Advice?

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2015

    @mari2,

    I missed coming back to read your post. I just realized it.

    You don’t know how happy I am to hear the cat is out the bag and the second knows about you. What a relief it must be for you and your hubz. I could imagine the second is going through a thing. Who wouldn’t? At least she didn’t go completely whacko. She’s hanging in there.

    It’s all new to all three of you, as you stated. You have to feel your way around. Live it and learn it. The most important thing is that she is no longer in the dark, so no one should have any guilt feelings anymore. It’s a new day…

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & hello to all the wonderful people out there in cyberspace

    Please note: Besides this thread/post, there are two others that commentators are speaking on. It could get a bid complicated when trying to keep up. The threads are:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/no-peace-in-polygamous-marriages/

    https://www.polygamy411.com/evil-companion-satan/

    Please make sure you check “Recent Comments” on the right-hand side bar of the main page to make sure you don’t miss comments, as well.

    Thank you

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2015

    @Khadija-S,

    You said he’s difficult to deal with. I suppose it would answer why the other wives were in the wind so quickly Upset Smiley You must be a very, very very patient person. Patience is a virtue. He is probably blessed to have you. It could be a blessing that the other wife is not with him so regularly or she may be history too. So, it’s all good :-)

    It could be good you have some time away from him while he’s handling his father’s affairs and you have time to digest a bit all that has happened, before he returns. I don’t get a feeling that all that has happened to you is awful for you, if awful at all. You may recall the ayah in Quran in which Allah say we may dislike something that brings about a good deal of good for us. I kinda sense it may be that way for you. You were receptive to polygamy and you dealt with him while he had his other short lived marriages. You seem to have a good heart, Sis. I think you could do this thing. He just needs to know there is no reason for him to lie to you. Insha Allah, you and she eventually will be able to resume your friendship. Just continue to exercise patience…

  • Khadija-S

    May 14, 2015

    @anabellah Salam Alaikum,

    No, he never did say why they left so fast. I love him, but he is a hard man to live with. It takes a lot of patience.

    I don’t blame her at all. I really don’t know what he told her. I know before, when we were still allowed to talk to each other, he would always say, don’t tell her about this or that. It was hard to keep straight what I could and couldn’t talk about.

    As far as the questions about any of his plans, I haven’t been able to ask. I found out on Monday night, and then, Tuesday morning his father died, so he had to leave again for Algeria. He will be back on Saturday, Insha Allah. I am here alone, dealing with it, and when he gets back, I don’t want it to be the first thing I talk about. I have lost both of my parents, so I know how difficult it is. I just have to try to be patience, for now.

    I will say that this does affect our marriage. I just don’t know to what extent yet.

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2015

    @farah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    It’s good to hear from you! Thank you for checking in and for being a part of our blog family. It’s the people like you who come here chat, share, or just stop in and say a friendly, hey Little Cutie Says Hello that makes this blog what it is. Alhumdulliah for each and everyone of you.

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2015

    @Khadija-S Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome newbie :-) I’m glad you’ve found us, and have commented. I think you’ll find us a friendly bunch. Your post is not too personal or long. We don’t concern ourselves with lengths of posts here. You could write all day and night, if Allah wills it. We don’t mind.

    Can't believe my eyes by golly, did he stop to think why those women were hitting the road so quickly? Those were some very short lived marriages.

    Khadija-S, I understand your confusion. First, did he ever let you know why he thought all those wives left him one after another?

    I could only guess why your husband lied when the two of you are very open in communicating with each other and you were receptive to a polygamous marriage. I’m thinking; he eventually realized he’d travel to and from Germany to be with her and she wouldn’t be coming to Canada. He knew it would disturb you as you had asked him to only marry someone who lived in Canada, so you and he wouldn’t be apart so much.

    He may not have expected that you would find out he was traveling on to Germany from Algeria or yet, he may not have cared. I’m sure he thought there would be a chance you’d review his passport. He may not have wanted you to continue to talk with her as he feared she’d share with you all his plans to visit her and about the baby. He probably thought the less you know about his and her lives together, the less affected your and his marriage would be and the less he’d have to hear from you about what they do.

    About promising you that he wouldn’t marry a woman from another country other than Canada, I could only say, we shouldn’t promise anyone anything. It’s why we say Insha Allah, about what will happen in the future, because only Allah knows the future. Some people think that to say Insha Allah ensures something will happen. It doesn’t. The saying only means Allah knows best whether it will happen as it will only happen if Allah wills it and we don’t know what Allah has willed till it happens. Your husband is at fault for having made the promise. No one knows whether they can keep a promise or not. When someone makes a promise they must have sincere intent to keep it.

    I totally understand how you feel betrayed by him. I don’t think the other wife is very much to blame because she was following his wishes. She was following his lead. She did as he asked and he didn’t ask of her something that was wrong. I don’t see any wrongdoing on her part. It’s sad though that you and she were such good buddies and it fell to the wayside.

    Did you ask him how often he intends to visit her in Germany and how long he intends to stay there when he does visit? Did you ask him what his plans are for bringing her to Canada? Has your marriage changed for the better or worse since he’s been married to her and you found out? Only answer what you feel you’d like to answer or nothing at all. It’s all up to you. We’re here to help as best we can. We’re all ears. :-)

  • farah

    May 14, 2015

    @Layla Assalamualaikum. ..I’m also from cpt …it’s hard for us…but inshallah we will get through this…@Ana is right I’m putting my trust in Allah and thank you to everyone for your kind words…

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2015

    I wrote the following to manjoom on another thread, but I think it is important to have on this discussion thread as well, so I’ve copied it here:

    @majnoom,

    More and more each day I begin to see more clearly what the problems are associated with the PEOPLE who are in polygamous marriages. Polygamy is not the problem. It’s the people.

    majnoom, say for instance your marriage was MONOGAMOUS. It was just you, your husband and the children. Say your husband were to meet this other woman who he clearly wants to be with. What would he do, if MONOGAMOUS? He would either divorce you and marry the other woman or keep you as a wife and have her as a mistress. It’s what normally happens in a MONOGAMOUS marriage when a husband wants to be with another woman.

    Now, say for instance, your husband is married to you and Monogamous. He meets this other woman whom he clearly wants to be with. He could either divorce you and marry her or stay married to you and (instead of having a mistress) he weds her and give her the title of wife.

    The only difference between the monogamous marriage and the polygamous marriage is that in the monogamous situation the other woman is called “mistress” and in the polygamous situation, the other woman is called “wife”.

    Polygamy is not the issue. Your conditions could exist even if you were in a monogamous marriage.

    When people don’t like what is happening in their monogamous marriage, what do they do? They either live with it or get a divorce.

    If they don’t agree on the terms of the divorce or if one party won’t give the other a divorce, what do they do? They go to court and fight it out before a judge and the judge decides the matter – the judge decides to grant the divorce and what the alimony and child support would be.

    It’s the same with a polygamous marriage. People are making polygamy a monumental issue when it is not. Marriage is marriage. In a polygamous marriage the man has more than one marriage that he must concern himself with. He has more than one marriage he has to deal with. It’s the same as if he was monogamous with a mistress who has his kids. There is no difference. No one complains about the man who is monogamous and has a mistress, except in a country with a large population of Muslims who follow shariah law.

    majnoom, think of your marriage as monogamous and your husband has a mistress what would you do now? The only difference between him and it is that the other woman is called wife. Polygamy is not the problem.

  • Khadija-S

    May 14, 2015

    Salam Alaikum, I am so happy to have found this site. Insha Allah, I can find some support and comfort here. At least, I know that others are going through this too.

    I have been married almost eleven years. After five years of marriage and two miscarriages, my husband brought up the polygamy option, because he wants a child. After the shock and all, my only request was for him to please find someone in our country, Canada. I didn’t want to be left alone for long periods of time. He promised me this. He said that he would never marry anyone that I did not like.

    The search began. He found his first, second wife. They were married for six months, and she left.

    Then he found his second, second wife. She left after a month.

    Then he found his third, second wife. She left after a month too.

    Then he found his fourth, second wife. She lives in Germany, but he assured me that she would be coming to Canada. I really liked her. We were good friends. We never met in person, but we would talk online. Then, once they married, he quit talking with her. She was confused, I was confused. Then he took her off my Skype and said that they were getting divorced, and I am not allowed to talk with her anymore.

    Then he found his fifth, second wife. He didn’t tell me about her. I found out by accident. As far as I know, he has never been around her. She lives on the other side of the country. I really have idea how they got married or if they are still married.

    During this last year, he has gone to Algeria three times to visit his family. He parents have been sick. Each time he was gone around a month. Monday, he gave me his passport to put away after returning from his most recent trip to Algeria. When I went to pick up the passport it opened. There were stamps. I looked at them, and they were for Germany. He has been going to Algeria and then flying to Germany to see the fourth, second wife that he was suppose to be divorced from.

    I asked him about it. He didn’t deny it. He said that it is best if she has her life and I have mine. She is pregnant, and he will spend time here with me and then in Germany with her. I feel so betrayed. I never gave him problems about polygamy. I don’t understand the lies. I don’t understand why he promised me that he would stay in this country and he didn’t. I don’t understand any of it. I am not allowed to speak with her. I am so hurt.

    I hope this isn’t too long or too personal. I just have to talk to someone about this. I have no family. My husband, likes for me to stay home, so I have no friends. Anyway, thanks for listening.

  • anabellah

    May 13, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone out there in cyberspace

    @Mari2, Hey there. It’s good to hear from you.

    @Laylah,

    I see you wrote on another thread. Insha Allah, I will be back to read both you and Mari2. I need to take a little break. Laylah, I wrote a post to you earlier that was quite lengthy, so I decided to turn it into a thread/post, as it’s a really good topic.

    The link to the new thread/post for those who are interested is: https://www.polygamy411.com/evil-companion-satan/

  • Mari2

    May 13, 2015

    Salam to all,
    @Gail…my prayers are with you during this time. You are a strong person and I pray for a positive outcome for you.

    Life is good here. Some ups, some downs with adjustment to having a second. Adjustments for second as well once M finally came clean to her about me. I’m not entirely happy about how he went about things but what is done is done. Now we all must move forward. It’s been understandably hard for her. Sometimes she lashes out. Sometimes I do. When M becomes frustrated with us both I remind him that this is not just his test, it is a test for the 3 of us together.
    However, I am learning that I need to speak up in certain situations. For instance, last weekend his MIL sent him a text telling him to call number 2. We were about to sit down and eat one of the rare 2 meals we are able to share each week. I told him to call her. Soooo our meal was spent with him chit chatting with her. I was annoyed…at MYSELF. What I should have said to him was to call her after we ate. That was what I wanted after all. So there was a lesson learned. Speak up. Set simple boundaries. It’s okay to do so. M speaks to her every day. He would have put off the call by 25 minutes had I asked. I did not. So basically I was the cause of my own annoyance.
    I pray all are doing well. Enjoy this beautiful month.

  • Laylah

    May 13, 2015

    @ Ana …. The love a man has for one wife doesn’t take away from the love he has for another…

    In all honesty it is going to take some time for me to wrap my heart around that. At the moment? I just feel insecure and undermined. And ridiculously disadvanteged
    I am 8 months pregnant 15 years older…. Gosh! How now? I do get what you are saying absolutely. That is a tough one though. I am really going to mull over that one a little. Thank you so much I am feeling more equipped to cope. Alhamdulillah x

  • anabellah

    May 13, 2015

    @Laylah,

    You could still have romance in your marriage. There is no reason to let go of romance. Another woman in a husband’s life does not end the romance for the wife. You could still do all the romantic things or begin to do romantic things with your husband. The love a husband has for one wife doesn’t take away love for his other wife. Men could love more than one woman at a time. The fact that he loves one more doesn’t mean he doesn’t love the other.

    You could do whatever you’d like to make your marriage fun and exciting. It’s best to do it as I said in the earlier post, with Allah in mind to seek rewards from him. The husband gets pleased in the course of it, while you’re racking up barakat (blessings). You’re having fun, as well. Your children are in a happy,fun environment. If your husband doesn’t appear appreciative and kind, who cares? You didn’t do it for Him, so it doesn’t matter. He loses out. You don’t.

    You may find that your marriage becomes better than it has every been. It improves. A husband being polygamous sometimes improves the couple’s marriage. She begin to see him and their lives together from a different perspective and the marriage comes alive. The only thing I tell wives is don’t do anything with the husband she is not comfortable doing or anything that is haram (such as sodomy). There have been some wives who say the husband wants her to do the haram because apparently he hooked up with a new wife with whom he’s doing it and he brought the idea home to his other wife. I say to a wife, don’t do it. Don’t compete with anyone except for righteousness.

  • anabellah

    May 13, 2015

    I think all wives would like to do whatever they can to ensure their husbands love them more than the other wives. I think that when a wife realizes that to make herself become the favorite wife is beyond her control and Allah decides who it will be; she relaxes and just enjoy the marriage.

    A wife should remember that in order for her to enter Paradise her good deeds must outweigh the bad deeds. A woman could do the same things she would normally do with regard to her husband, BUT instead of doing whatever it is to seek her husband’s pleasure, she should do it to seek Allah’s pleasure.

    She should say, for instance, I’m going to prepare this amazing meal for my husband to seek the good pleasure of Allah and get barakat (blessings) from Allah for it. If she makes the amazing meal for her husband to please him only, she gets no credit from Allah for it. If she makes the amazing meal while remembering Allah, she gets barkats from Allah for it. She is happy; perhaps her husband will be happy, as well. Most of all She has done a good deed and it goes to her credit. She gets so much more for being mindful of Allah.

    Think about it; a person who remembers Allah all the time; everything the person (believer) does is a good deed. Going to work, caring for the children, cooking dinner, getting the husband a glass of water, smiling, exercising, you name it, it’s a good need when mindful of Allah.

  • Laylah

    May 13, 2015

    Asalaam u alaikum
    @Ana light bulb you are right I am being goaded into being reactionary and that is the exact wrong thing to be. Thanks for that! And as much as I would like to control my husbands emotions in my favor I can’t. That is hard. I feel like I am pushing all my romantic ideals aside. I do want to give everything over to Allah. I know you are right. And thank you @Coco for that important reminder.
    Are all of you in polygamous unions saying that your relationship fulfills that part of your identity that is WOMAN? Or that with Allah’s Kudra that part of you stops shouting so loud?
    I was born in Zimbabwe and came to varsity in Cape Town. This is where I have settled and had my kids. I have had a wonderful life Alhamdulillah. In fact this is the only real way I would feel under strain. I guess that is why our Creator in his wisdom chose this test. I have experienced so many other things. This really takes the cake for me. So big up to all of you that handle this so well. You are so right @Coco women are incredible. My husband arrives from Saudi and I was at a loss how to receive him. I think you ladies have given me the freedom to just enjoy the fact that he is home. Jazakallah ❤

  • anabellah

    May 12, 2015

    @Laylah,

    Laylah, we can’t answer in one post all the questions you asked. I’ve addressed a lot of the questions on various posts on the blog. The main thing you must do to have peace of mind and contentment is to turn all your attention to Allah. We can’t say it enough here. Life is not about your husband. It is supposed to be about Allah.

    Many wives make a serious mistake in trying their utmost to please their husbands at all cost and compete with the other wife for his love and affection. It’s a no, no. It’s the worse thing a woman can do when her husband becomes polygamous. You would only go further away from Allah and your condition of mental agony will become worse. It will increase. Don’t try to compete with her for your husband’s love. No can do Girl Says NO NO

    What will be will be regardless of what you do. Allah puts the love in the heart. You can’t put it there. Allah determines who your husband will love the most and who get’s what. Don’t you make it about her or your husband; remember, it’s ALL about Allah.

    What you said to Gail was sooooo utterly beautiful and true. With all she is going through, she took the time to write to you to try to help you. It brings tears to my eyes. Gail is a rare gem. Love to you, Gail! Hug and slip Stay strong, my sister!!!

  • anabellah

    May 12, 2015

    @Laylah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    We are familiar with what you are going through when you say it “tortures your mind.” I think it’s a stage every woman goes through when in a polygamous marriage. The question is whether you remain in agony over it or Allah relieves you of the pain. It’s not about living with the pain. It’s about not having any pain any longer. It is ABSOLUTELY possible to no longer have the pain. You CAN be pain free. You have to ask Allah to take the pain away. He may not take it away today, tomorrow, next week or next year, but IF you do right by Him, He will relieve you of the pain. You mustn’t despair.

    You are doing the right thing by not fighting with your husband. Allah tells us that when we dispute our power departs. You can’t have a strong, healthy marriage when you battle with your spouse. It’s a losing battle. Your co probably wants you and him to argue so you’d be like her. She doesn’t want you to appear to him to be better than she is. He listens to her and she’s leading him astray. She’s not encouraging him to be a good, better person. It’s crazy that he tries to incite you to act out, especially when you are pregnant. Next time he act like a flaming A$$hole and try to engage you in an argument don’t go there with him. Don’t take the bate. Stay calm and let him rant and rave. Let him work himself up in a tizzy. I’d tell you to tell him to stop acting like a little biatch, but it may not be the type of encouragement you need LOL It may not get the reaction you need either. Ya feelin me?

  • anabellah

    May 12, 2015

    @Layla, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I am so impressed whenever people are here from other parts of the planet other than the U.S. You spoke of Cape Town and Zimbabwe. WOW, now I know someone from those areas too – You. I’m delighted to meet you. :-) Someone was here from Nigeria as well. I can’t keep up so well these days with who’s who. There were some teens here years ago from South Africa. We had to ban those under 18. SIGH, if you only knew. I never thought I’d meet so many people from all over the globe :-) I’m so thankful to Allah for the opportunity

    Speaking of Ramadan, I seem to always know when the new moon will be cited that day because that day this indescribable feeling comes over me. I say, wow Ramadan is in the air. I just feel and sense it. It’s incredible. When you spoke about your grandfather and that he stoke your cheek, it gave me the chills. I believe that you had an “out of body experience. This Muslim brother used to give me Tai Chi lessons and he once told me of an “out of body experience” that he had. (He died very young after having an epileptic seizure.) When he had told me of it, I was like, yeah, right, as I hadn’t heard of such a thing before. I’ve never had one, but, today, I don’t doubt those who say they have had one. What an experience. Thank you much for sharing it with us. I’m fascinated by it.

    So, you’re 36 weeks. Let me break out the calculator. I’m only familiar with months and I’m no wiz at math either. Wait a minute. Are you ready to deliver anytime now. Shocked WT* REALLY? Keep us posted…

  • anabellah

    May 12, 2015

    @coco, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You can’t share the piece, “What is your heart looking at?” enough. I loooove, love, love it. I need to read it each and every day. Alhumdulliah that you shared it again and please feel free to share it anytime you are so inspired. It is always welcome here. It’s the type of reminder I need and need much of. Kiss and Thank You

    I pray all goes well with the shoot tomorrow. What an EXCITING career you have. You go girl! I’m glad to hear all is coming along nicely with your family and your fiance, as well. Did your mom like him?

  • coco

    May 12, 2015

    Assalaamualeikum and Helloooooo my lovelies!!

    I’m a bit distracted at the time as I need to shoot a few emails that need to be addressed sooner rather than later and head to bed early as I’ve got to style and coordinate a shoot in the morning yet I know if I don’t post now I may procrastinate or not fall asleep at all thinking I should hehehe so here goes…

    Ana
    As usual reading your post puts a massive smile on my face. I’m soooo very happy to hear things are good for you Alhumdullilah may you always stay content and blessed my dear sister. And likewise it’s always great to stop by and hear from you lovely beings. Seeing so many new faces really puts a smile on my face may Allah bless you for this platform you’ve provided for others to attain solace and support. Ooo lastly good reminder I need to make up those fasts as well inshAllah will soon as well! Take care love ☺️

    javeria
    I’m glad to hear you got it done! I get your point of principle and yes inshAllah he will get better then he would be able to hold up to what he commits to. Yeah you can’t keep hitting your head on the wall you’re doing quite well by not hehehe mashAllah stay strong much love back at ya ☺️

    Laylah
    Welcome to the blog! I’m a bit late to it but as they say better late then never hehe I’m sure things seem really tough to bear right now but it can’t rain all the time… The sun is bound to come out! We as woman are stronger than we give ourselves credit for you know. In the words of the great poet Rumi “What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.” You will be fine inshAllah I will share a piece that I think I’m sharing for the umpteenth time but it’s something I always turn to in despair so I’m sorry for the ones reading this yet again but it’s for the newbies hehehe keep faith sister ☺️

    What is Your Heart Looking at? Often what makes us fall into despair is focusing on the wrong things. For example, if we’ve sinned, we focus on the sin, rather than the Most Merciful. If we’re broken, we focus on the break instead of Al Jabbar, the One who mends. If we are in pain, we focus on the pain itself, instead of on the One who removes all pain. If we are wounded, we focus on the wound instead of on the One who heals all wounds. If we’re scared, we focus on the fear, instead of the Protector. And if we’re facing a problem, we see the problem, but not the One who can solve it. We see the lion, but not the lion tamer. We see the imperfections of dunya, but not the perfection of Allah. We see the immediate, but not the Tomorrow, the tree, but not the fruit, the thorn, but not the rose. All our pain, all our despair, all our hopelessness, stems from looking at the creation, instead of the Creator. Ask yourself: what is your heart looking at?
    Yasmin Mogahed

    Gail
    What have your munchkins been up to? I just love your belief that there is some invisible thread that ties us all together forever. Beautiful! It makes separation of any kind just so much more bearable with that frame of mind. Things are good on my side Alhumdullilah thanks for asking. My mom’s health is getting better day by day she’s just begun to have sharp pain in her back for a few days, hopefully it’s nothing to worry about we should get it checked out soon. My father’s not talking to me for a few months now I still can’t figure out why but it’s all good I guess it’s better than bickering lol some people just can’t ever be figured out smh! My brother seems to be getting a bit more balanced and positive I pray that it stays that way. And about fiancé yes I still plan on marrying him inshAllah he actually met my mom quite recently a few days back which was a mission and a half. I’m quite content and feel blessed with how life is this moment while indefinitely holding faith… That feeling is just everything! ☺️

    Hope everyone else out there is doing well too. Lots and lots of love to you all! xo
    ❤️

  • anabellah

    May 12, 2015

    @Laylah,

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back to read you. I have to run out for a bit. :-)

  • Laylah

    May 12, 2015

    @Gail@Ana as a matter of interest I don’t know if this is every where but in Cape Town and Zimbabwe as well we most feel the presence of our loved ones in Ramadan. Very strongly. I only thought of it because Ramadan is coming. I remember as a little girl feeling some one stroke my cheek. I looked up at my grandfather. I literally jumped out of my body with fright! He had been dead several years. As I calmed down I went back into my body and fell asleep.

    @ Javeria how far along are you?

  • Laylah

    May 12, 2015

    Jazakallah @ Javeria I am going to try what you suggest I am in my 36th week of pregnancy and my eldest daughter’s birthday is tomorrow so I have a lot to be grateful for Alhamdulillah. You are absolutely right I need to stop focusing on my husband there is a bigger picture perhaps it’s all a matter of perspective? I am going to try to reign my nafs in and try.

  • anabellah

    May 12, 2015

    @javiera,

    Thank you much for the clarification. I’m sorry I misunderstood. You described something I;ve seen in a few movies in which women try to become the woman they admire or envy. One such movie is “Single White Female”. There is another called “Doppelganger”. The behavior is real. There were a number of people who I have known who have tried to be like me. They tried to be me. They try to dress like me, go places I go, buy what I buy, look like me. You name it; they tried it. I say they try to be me. I have been told it’s a form of flattery. I’ve been told Imitation is a form of flattery. I don’t like it one bit. It creeps me out. It seems to me a form of madness or insanity. I could see someone admiring an actress and try to dress like her or adopt the mannerism or wear her makeup and hair as she does. It’s a faze one goes through. What I’m speaking of, however, is not it. It is scary to me when someone tries to duplicate me, as I know it has to be scary that someone tries to duplicate you. I can’t get with the admiration, not one bit. I know I am an awesome person. I’d want to be me too, if I were someone else, but, you know what I’m saying. I know firsthand of a co-wife who has done it – tried to be the other wife. They are foolish, as it can’t be done. Someone who is secure in who they are wouldn’t try it or want to try it. They don’t understand life.

  • anabellah

    May 12, 2015

    Dear Gail,

    Wow, what happened with our dreams is soooo amazing. I used to be fascinated by dreams. Dreams, however, are so complicated. I become so frustrated trying to make sense of them and most of the time, I just can’t. The last of the recurring dreams I had of my sister was very easy for me to interpret. As I stated, the recurring dreams stopped after I interpreted the last one and I hardly think of my sister anymore. When I do think of her, it’s not in a distressing way.

    I believe dreams have meanings. I used to read a lot about dreams when I was younger. I read something that makes some sense. It was said that when we dream we should think about how the dream made us feel – how we felt in the dream – and what in our lives is occurring today that makes us feel the way we felt in the dream. Sigh. I have this movie called, “Slaves of Dreams” on VHS. It’s not available on any other format and it’s a very poor copy I have. It’s the story of Prophet Joseph (PBUH). I love the movie. In the movie, Joseph said to the wife of Potiphar, when she asked if dreams will come to pass, – He said, if the dream is from God and it foretells our fate, it must come to pass. Still, in the movie there were those who purported to be dream tellers but couldn’t interpret the dreams of Potiphar’s wife or the Pharaoah, only Joseph could. I love the movie, as there is soooo much wisdom in it. I always check to see if it has come out in an updated format.

    It’s amazing what happened with you and the dreams of your grandma. Insha Allah, you will be well and all will be good for you. I’m so glad we spoke to one another about our dreams. It’s awesome that we had the same type of occurrence. It will be interesting to see if your grandma reappears in your dreams. I tend to think as you do that you won’t miss her the way you had.

    I could see death as transitioning as you said. Death is not final. We will all die and will then all live again. It’s just a matter of where and how it will be…

  • javeria

    May 12, 2015

    @ ana

    I think you misunderstood. I said that hubs told me my co had an agenda for wanting us to live together all this time.I had no such. If I were to make that choice I wouldve opted for separation.I only agreed to her request because of her kids. But according to him she asked for this for reasons OTHER than her kids…Prior to the moving being decided, he said the reason he now asked that we separate was because she had done something to violate my privacy and to try and be in my business. Which is why I assume she was snooping around in some way. Its for that reason that I was reluctant to ask what, because if he has to now say to me she was going through my things or in my home, I woukd hold it against her. This is because she has been in my house and in my stuff before, looking to see what I have that she didnt or what hubs was giving me to ‘make sure’ she wasnt being cheated or whatever.I found out because everytime I bought something, before I had used or worn it, she had gotten the same thing within daaaays. I spoke to hubs about it and he dismissed it as coincidence.to prove to myself I wasnt crazy, I bought a pair of shoes and hid them in my closet.nobody knew they were there except me. A week later, she had an almost identical pair. It was like she was trying to be me. I then confronted hubs with this info and he sorted it out(he says) with her.It stopped and she apologised.I let it go. But if its happening again I wont be able to be ok about it.I will go nuts! Its because of that incident that I assume she did it again, found something she doesnt have again, or maybe shes seen something I received for the baby, I dont know what it couldve been, and that caused her to go off. It has been her habit to take it out on me when she n hubs dont get along or they have an issue.Thats how I know theres a problem, she stops talking to me.as if its my fault they fought or something.

    I hope you understand better now. You confused me so I had to go back and reread my posts to figure out what was going on lol.

    I agree, husbands shouldnt be the centre of our lives, because when they screw up, and they often do, it is us that falls apart first. Im like you in that I dont wanna know!if I cant see it it cant hurt me. I have no idea when im moving, it could be next week or next month or in 2 months. Hopefully before the baby comes! I will most def be here, I couldnt forget the blog and the sisters that keep me sane
    Lol honestly I dont think she wpuld be very helpful in the state she is currently in.but Allah knows, maybe she will be, I can always hope lol.

    @ gail

    Thank you for your kind words as always.I am trying very hard to keep positive and not return the special treatment she is giving.I feel its not worth it for me to do what she is doing and make myself unhappy.so I hope and pray the situation works too. I hope your health improves soon and your surgery was successful. My mom had cervical cancer and it was a frightening time for her and everyone around her.I pray for strength for you and your family at this time :)

    @ laylah
    Just hang in there sister, like gail and ana said, focus on why you are accepting this, shut her out and carry on. Once you’ve focused on yourself and your family and your life, you’ll find your state of mind greatly improved

  • Laylah

    May 12, 2015

    Salaam
    Thank you Gail and Ana
    It’s a hard concept. Tune her out. I am really going to try. I think part of the problem is I have known my husband since he was three. He confides in me about everything. And now that this is in the open..
    I mean everything! It tortures my mind a little. And yet I understand the need for that outlet so I make the right sounds and inside I am cringing. I have tried to talk to him about matters of decorum. Please don’t tell me about your sexlife, don’t denigrate her in front of me. It’s wrong. Although she encourages him to complain about me. At the same time I am trying to encourage him in a situation where I feel like I am drowning. It’s a little schizophrenic. I decided not to fight with him about her. She told him that means I don’t care and she convinced him! He decided to have a screaming match with me! Because I wasn’t causing enough trouble? What is the right thing? How do you ladies not feel insecure about the other woman. How do you just exist in your relationship? And close your mind to the other one? How do you stop it affecting how you are with him both socially and intimately? And when do you stop wishing it would all just go away?
    Lastly I feel really petty with my small time problems. I read your post Gail. You are awesome. You are upbeat and positive about your cancer diagnosis and you found time to give me advice. Allah reward you and grant you good health. Insha Allah x
    I think what I would like? Is to reach a plateau of peace on this lay it to rest somehow. Insha Allah x Thank you again. I have expressed such unworthy sentiments I appreciate the lack of judgment x

  • Gail

    May 12, 2015

    Ana,
    Since u mentioned seeing your sister smiling in a dream.This is so strange u would say such a thing because I can totally validate what u just said.Do u know how I found out I had cancer? I had the lesion for at least 3 years as much as I can remember.The strange thing is I thought it was a mole and did not think much of it but I did say to myself I should ask the doc about it so I can get it removed.Yrs went by I kept forgetting to ask.Granny died 2 yrs ago and I guess for around the last 6 months I kept getting these images of her in my mind seeing her face but the strange thing was every time I saw her in my mind I would see her neck and her moles.My Grandmother had alot of moles on her neck.I should mention it was not like her neck was covered in moles or anything but she did have several.
    Anyway I would see a pic of her face and she was just straight face no expression but mentally everytime it came in my mind to focus on her moles.It started happening so much that it finally got my attention to remember to ask the doc about the lesion which lead to my Cancer diagnoses.Last night before I signed on to check in with u guys I was taking a shower granny again appeared in my mind but this time she was smiling.I instantly knew last night that my grandmother is truly out there watching over me and her love and watching over me came through so loud and clear.
    What r the chances u would tell me u were having same photo like images of your sister and u feel like she was sending u a message as well.
    I can’t explain it totally but it is the most amazing feeling to know that G.Ds grace is always there.I don’t think I am going to miss my grandmother in the same way I did before because I now feel her near me and she is happy and free.I wish I could explain things like this because the bible states not to summon the dead and I didn’t but yet wow there she was and just as real and more beautiful like in her youth.G.d is so amazing and truly I believe there is some invisible thread that ties us all together forever.
    Death is just a word transitioning is a much more clear word than death as far as I am seeing these days.

  • anabellah

    May 12, 2015

    @laylah, Welcome

    I’m so glad Gail welcomed you and gave you advice. I couldn’t for the life of me think of what to say. You seemed to have summed up everything nicely and know what time it is (know what exactly is happening in your life with your husband and the co). I agree with all that Gail suggested to you. I can’t add anything more to what she said. As I said, I didn’t know what to say to you. Gail is on point with her advice. There is another commentator here, “Ina”, who has been dealing with an immature, idiot acting co-wife. Yeah, don’t go there with stooping to her level. Let her play games with her self and drive herself mad, if need be. Don’t make it your problem. Get on with your life with your husband and your children and block that nuisance (co-wife) out. She is not worth your time and trouble. As Gail said, make her a non-issue.

  • anabellah

    May 12, 2015

    Dear Gail,

    I’m so glad you stopped in. I have been thinking of you and hoping you’re hanging in there tough. Nothing new and exciting is happening with me and the hubz. There is nothing to write in about. He’s working a lot and travels a lot for work. We still vacation and are back to our twice a year. Although we’ve done a lot of traveling, there are a number of places I always wanted to go. Now, I’ve changed my mind after reading in the News about so much terrible stuff that is occurring every where I considered going. It’s a scary world out there today. I’m not enthusiastic any longer. I was thinking about taking my mom back to Aruba. We had been there together once and I was there with the hubz twice. This morning I was reading in the news that Aruba is infested with boaz snakes. They are paying people $10.00 for each snake they bring in alive and they’ve arranged a snake hunt. My mom is TERRIFIED of snakes. Well, so much for that idea.

    Gail, a strange thing happened regarding my sister who past. I was having a lot of recurring dreams about her and I’d think of her a lot. I’d go over and over in my mind how she left this planet without confiding in anyone about the severity of her illness and leaving this world alone; although my older sister and her husband were at her bedside when she past. My sister’s husband wasn’t able to say goodbye. He had no idea what was happening to her. Then one night, a couple months ago or so I had a dream about her. She appeared looking as she did in a pic I have of her when she was younger. She was smiling and sooooo happy. She looked so beautiful and she was just staring at me with the biggest brightest smile on her face. After that I haven’t thought much about her at all, and have no more dreams of her. I get the feeling it was to let me know I had done right by her when she was alive. I was always there for her, even when she was going through the toughest of times. It was like a final goodbye that left me at peace.

    My sister’s husband isn’t do all that well. He moved to another State to be with his son and daughter-in-law, (they’re my sister’s age) he was about 30 years older than my sister. He wants to come back here to the State we’re in to live. My mom who is his age doesn’t want to be responsible for him. I don’t really blame her.

    Dear Gail, you’ve got a lot going on. It’s important that you stay strong and positive. You’re a fighter. Don’t let yourself get sad or depressed. Be determined to kick whatever comes your way. You kick that ole cancer in the derriere.

    Life is so unpredictable. I try not to fall asleep about life. Our lives could change in a twinkling of an eye. It’s why I don’t think anyone should get wrapped up in another human being. Our lives could change and we then realize what is really important.

    I was thinking of mari2 today, as well. She said she stopped stressing out about her husband and her co after she learned her Aunt has cancer that reoccurred after 24 years. I hope I didn’t get the story mixed up because there are so many people here that remembering who is who and their stories sometimes becomes challenging.

    Anyhow, I know you’re quite busy with your health issues, but do try to stop in and chat with us when you can. It could be therapeutic for you as well.

    Oh, I think I realize why ummof4 didn’t get your email. My mom uses the same email provider as ummof4 (I don’t want to mention the name – not that it really matters). Anyhow, my mom wasn’t getting my email either. It was NOT going into spam or anything. It just never got there to her. I had her change last week to Gmail. It could be what happened with ummof4 not receiving your mail, as well.

  • Gail

    May 12, 2015

    laylah,
    Hi I am Gail and I read your post.Look i have to be honest with u.Your cowife is very immature and acting like a child/brat more than likely u will run away and she will get the man.
    I would suggest to u to tune her out from here on out.Don’t ask about her don’t think about her she is not your concern.Turn your feelings off understand.
    This is going to be the best way for u to deal with her teenage behavior.Don’t go down on her level u r so much better than that not to mention older so u really have no need to lash out at her for being an idiot when it is pretty clear she has alot of growing up to do.I would just make her a nonissue in your life.
    Do not let yourself get upset over some silly girl who may or may not even be in your life in the future.
    I agree I think your husband has lost his mind but that is his problem not yours and now that he has made his bed he has to lie in it but guess what u don’t so again tune her out and tune out their marriage only focus on what really matters u and your kids.

  • Gail

    May 12, 2015

    Ana and everyone,
    I am sorry I have not stopped in more lately but with my cancer diagnoses I have been keeping to myself just focusing on my kids and hubby and work.I was told last Monday I had cancer and was in Surgery and had the Carcinoma removed on Wed.My energy level has been going down for awhile now but hopefully if everything works out and they got all the cancer my health will start improving.
    I am sorry but I have not been able to keep up with everyone’s post but I really hope all of u r doing great.
    Javeria I read some of your post.I would say just hang in there as best u can.U know us woman we are strange birds.Your cowife is going through something and it very well more than likely has to do with u being pregnant.Congrats on your pregnancy!! I think it is not easy on any woman to know her cowife is pregnant.I know it was hard on my excowife it’s life just try not to take personal.Even though she is shutting u out try not to do the same thing with her if u can.I hope everything works out for u.

    Ummof4,
    I am curious how your book is going? U have such a nice spirit about u.I really believe your book is going to be helpful for so many.

    Coco,
    I am curious what is going on in your life these days.Are u still planning to marry your fiance?

    Ana,
    I hope all is going well for u and your hubby as well! I don’t know why but I think about your sister often these days.When I think of her life story I find her so brave beyond words.Even though I didn’t know your sister I admire her through u in so many ways with how she dealt with her cancer.I also think about her husband and how is getting along these days and hoping he is adjusting to life without your sister.All I want is to live to see my kids grown and married.I know we don’t always get what we wish for but that is my personal wish.I have to now figure out what I am going to do about my uterine bleeding.The OBGYN doc put me on the depo shot.I love not having a period it has been heaven but my breast cancer doc told me to not take anymore shots.In case any of u woman don’t know taking birthcontrol pills ups your chances of getting cancer go figure.So even though i don’t have breast cancer he wants me off all hormones.He has told me to do uterine ablation but I read about that and it seems very painful and a uterine biopsy is part of it to get one from what I saw on youtube.I have had enough biopsies to last me the rest of my life to be frank besides I know unless I am dying I can’t deal a uterine biopsy.I don’t know just ready to get through with my menstrual cycles for good.

  • Laylah

    May 12, 2015

    Salaams x Every one.

    I must say, reading your posts intimidates me because I am not in the same space you all are in. My husband is wonderful and kind and selfish and clueless. He embarked on a relationship with an 18 year old who was working in his shop. She played with my kids. I was kind to her. I objected strenuously to the relationship when I found out most especially because some illicit stuff occurred and now they are married. There were alot of lies. Mainly to me. I am 34 but have lived a very sheltered life and can be very naive as a result. So I am quite an open book. She on the other hand, I started off defending because of her youth and tried to befriend. She kept screwing me over and lying and she can be quite manipulative. I am ashamed to admit I get very upset and send her angry messages! She reciprocates of course. And then tells my husband what a victim she is. When I don’t even mention the whole episode. I end up looking like a villain. I feel like I am in a giant chess game. And I am being outmaneuvered all the time, simply because for all of my life every thing has been so straight forward. If I didn’t have four kids and one very soon on the way I would have given up already. I am still contemplating doing that. I always told my husband I would try in a polygamous situation because he has always been a proponent of polygamy. Am I a fool to have hoped for something more congenial? I feel bitter for what has transpired. I feel they both broke my trust. And although we should trust in Allah where finances are concerned he was not really coping caring for my family. Now with the added responsibility of her it’s like he is killing himself. And I feel bad about that too. I don’t want to reach out to her when I do she hurts me with her insensitivity. He has had her in secret so she has pretty much had mistress status. Now the secret is out she wants her rights. I understand that. I am just dreading it. After a decade of monogamy I know that this is going to kill me. Especially with every thing I am feeling. So I am in a totally different space like I said. I have no idea how to begin to cope. I just want to run screaming in the other direction. And she is hoping I will.

  • anabellah

    May 11, 2015

    @javeria,

    I suggest you ask her or your husband what she is upset with you about. It’s the only way it seems you will find out since neither of them are volunteering the information. I said she may think you have an agenda only because you said she may think you had an agenda. In order for you to think she may think you had an agenda, there must be something on your end that would lead her to think you have an agenda unless you have a guilty conscience. If she didn’t come out her face and say you have an agenda and your husband didn’t say something to make it seem she thought you had an agenda, where did you get the idea of an agenda from?

    You said you hope she hadn’t gone through your things and found something that upset her. Well, what do you have there that would upset her had she found it?

    I’m a bit confused by a thing you said. You stated, “Im Just afraid that if I know I wont be able to let it go or hold it against her indefinitely, you know?” No, I don’t know. How will you finding out what she is upset about make you hold it against her indefinitely? She’s the one who is upset and has the problem with you, so why would what she is upset about upset you? SMH I’m just trying to make sense of it all based on what you say. It takes time for it to sink in for me sometimes.

  • anabellah

    May 11, 2015

    @javiera,

    I truly pray it works for you. Even if the move doesn’t come to fruition sooner than later, at least you have something nice to look forward to. If it doesn’t happen immediately; there is a good reason for it, but stay optimistic and hopeful. With regard to the grass being greener on the other side, I think in this case it would be greener for you.

    There are some wives who want to be all up in the other wives’ business. She wants to know all the others comings and goings and whats happening with her and the husband at all times. They have an obsession with needing to know. They want to know exactly what the other is getting, when, how much, why etc. I’m not that type of person.

    I believe what one doesn’t know can’t hurt her. It is when one finds out or learns of something that it hurts. I’d rather not know. Out of sight out of mind is my motto. Being away from your co should protect your ears, ears and tongue. Work on training the thought waves of your mind to stay focus on Allah. Do what you need to do in your daily life, but always stay focused on Allah.

    Take the focus off the husband, as well. I think we women put too much emphasis on the husband. We could still be kind and just to them and fulfill our duties to them without making life about them. A husband is not all that.

    I’m very excited for you in that you’re excited about the future move. I really think it will be one of the best things to ever happen for you and your marriage. I hope when you have your baby, you will still have time to pop in for a minute or so to chat with us. Maybe it’s a good thing you won’t be moving immediately, as you may need the help of your co as this will be your first child. Everything happens for a reason. Who knows. For instance, once you have your baby and she is helpful you two may bond. Allah knows best. I suppose it’s wishful thinking… Hey, what the heck You soon shall know.

  • javeria

    May 11, 2015

    @ ana

    Lol I guess u have a point, what I meant was i dont want to make it worse.at this point I can still let it go and forget about it. Im Just afraid that if I know I wont be able to let it go or hold it against her indefinitely, you know? But I suppose I do need to know,for the sake of self preservation if nothing else.

    I think the only one unhappy about me moving is her! She seems quite peeved about it, even though it was her actions that brought about the change.Hubs is quite excited at the prospect and so am I. Its like now if we want to go out or do something its not like for anyone else to see and keep tally for example.and I dnt have to see or know.when hes not with me thats all thata in my mind, I dnt have to think about oh theyre out, or he bought her this or whatever.my peace of mind is gonna get such a boost! I would think she would feel the same, but like I said, the whole together thing was her request so i dont understand.when I say we live together i mean that we have our own kitchen, bathroom, living space etc.its kind of like adjoining suites in a hotel. everything separate just with a door in between. So its together but not reeeeally. I wasnt so phased by it before, but now that I have the prospect of being on my own in my mind, I think I will be very disappointed and unhappy if it falls through and we stay as we are And i think hubby will share my sentiment.I dont know if thats selfish of me, but now, I just dnt wna be in this circumstance anymore, regardless of kids and feelings and blah. Maybe im looking at it as the grass being greener on the other side, but thats just how I see it. freeeeeedom! Just gta pray it works and keep fingers n toes crossed!

  • javeria

    May 11, 2015

    Assalaamualaikum to all the lovelies :)

    @ coco
    Hi hun :) lol funny enough, I went n did exactly that today. Its not so much a case of I cant do it myself, I usually do.its more that when I was doing it on my own it was he who insisted I let him do things.He was the one who wanted me to rely on him and he was the one who promised to do this.so it was more a case of the principle behind it, you know? But I just decided to go and do my own thing once more because at this point I cant rely on him.once he is healthy again InshaAllah that will change, but in the meantime I cant keep hitting my head against a wall.right? What a nice quote.It definitely came at the perfect time alhamdulillah.I will save it InshaAllah :) much love!

  • anabellah

    May 11, 2015

    @javiera, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, :-)

    You say you don’t want to know what’s going on with her as you don’t want to harbor ill feelings towards her. Well, I think it’s a little too late for it now. Based on all you’ve said you aren’t feeling all warm and fuzzy towards her. You said something is going on that is causing your hubz to react differently towards you and you have to communicate with your co via her daughter. You think people shouldn’t hurt others maliciously. So, with it said, it makes sense that you are not feeling the love for her right now.

    I just think it’s the best thing you could do is move apart from her. I totally do not think wives should live together. There are so many obstacles. A woman want her own home. She wants her own kitchen. She wants her own decor, furnishings etc. Someone always tend to dominate when wives have to share. It’s the only way to keep peace to a degree. One is usually more laid back or else Heated Argument A woman wants to lay up, cuddle up with her husband, and spend quality time with him without someone else ears perking up and eyes on them. It’s just not a cool set up.

    I think many Muslim husbands want to put their wives together only to make life easier for them (the husbands) – to cut back on expenses and not have to travel back and forth between houses. They consider what’s convenient for them. The wives usually don’t even like each other, but only tolerate each other, from what I understand. The husbands don’t consider the mental health of the wives. The wives mental health is extremely important and outweighs the other benefits. It would be a cold day in hell before I were to ever live with a co. There would have to be extenuating circumstances such as I’d be homeless if I didn’t do it. There would have to be something so compelling to make me live with another woman and share a husband – like me or her having to sleep on the side of a street in a box and eat out the trash.

  • anabellah

    May 11, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to Everyone this fine Monday, What's Up Animated Text

    @Sis coco,

    Heeeey there, you. I missed you too, sis, very much. I think of you often. I’m like yeah, I’m sure coco is running about taking care of business as usual, getting things done. I wouldn’t think you’d be caught up with reading the blog posts. I can barely keep up, myself, at times. With your busy schedule, it’s nice when you can simply stop in and say, hey. Give us a shout out.

    Thank you much for keeping me and everyone in your duahs. I will continue to do the same for you and everyone here as well. It’s always good to hear happy you and things are still good for you. All is good here on my end. Nothing new worth mentioning. Same ole, same ole, just a different day, uneventful. Everyday above ground is a good day. The hubs is good, happy, and very busy with work. coco, dear, thanks for gracing us with your presence. It’s always good to hear from you and I hope to hear from you again when you get a moment to breath…

    Yes, Ramadan is almost upon us once again. I’ve got to get those days made up before it arrives, Insha Allah.

    @Gail,

    Are you out there? Please stop in and let us know you are okay. My thoughts are with you and I’m hopeful all will be just fine with you. {{{hugs}}} lots of {{{hugs}}}

  • coco

    May 11, 2015

    Assalaamualeikum and a BIG hello to all the lovely sisters!!!

    Ana
    How have you been Anaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I miss you so sister!!! I keep thinking to email you but have failed to for a while clearly lol I haven’t gotten a chance to read much at all lately but am hoping everyone is fine. Please do keep me in your duas sister. I try to pop in whenever I get a chance but do know that I think of you and the blog everyday. Stay happy and blessed always inshAllah. Ramadan is almost here… So excited!!! Much love to you always ☺️❤️ xo

    Gail
    I’m soooo glad to hear you and your health is going well. Stay blessed with your cuties.☺️ xo

    Ummof4
    Hope you are well sister. May Allah keep you content with life and your guidance for us to learn from inshAllah ☺️ xo

    Laila
    Hey there beautiful! Hope you’ve been faring well and you’re prepping for your journey to Makkah soon inshAllah ☺️ xo

    javeria
    Hey love! I just read the last few posts to know a bit of what’s been going on recently with the blog and I’m sorry things aren’t too good for you lately. There’s not much that I could add as sister Ana has put it out quite impeccably. The only thing I would like to put emphasis on is please do remember to put attention on your health and love yourself first. If your husband hasn’t found the time to take you to get your prenatal vitamins then grab a cab and go yourself. I’m not sure where it is you live but if you can’t drive and don’t have a personal car then Uber is a really good option I’ve used it myself in the states when I would be traveling out of city without my car. It’s been quite a buzz lately in America, many parts of Europe and I’m sure many other countries as well it’s cheaper simpler and much safer as well just download the app. It’s essential for you to go do stuff on your own for your own sake and the health of your baby to come inshAllah. I’m leaving you with a quote I came across this morning, saved it and here I read your post and feel that it came to me at the perfect time. Alhumdullilah! This time too shall pass sister… Much love to you ☺️ xo

    “Alhumdulilah for the tears we cry in the darkness and solitude of the night. When we feel so hopeless and lost. For in that quiet moment of heartache and confusion, whilst the rest of the creation are in a deep slumber of unawareness. You know your eyes are tearing and heart is reaching out to the One who never sleeps. The One who is ever present listening to you and your call. You know He is all you have and all that can help. Even though our limited minds cannot determine how and when, continue your call. For the One who responds will not let you leave empty handed. In due time His plan for you will set things right.” Ameen Innallaha ma’as saabireen!
    Unknown

    Lots of love and prayers to all the sisters here and please to remember me in yours!!! ❤️

  • javeria

    May 11, 2015

    Assalams

    @ ana
    I didnt have an agenda for living together.I was quite happy to be separate.It was she who requested us to be together.I only agreed for the sake of her kids. I still dont know what transpired and im not entirely sure I want to know.I dont want to harbour ill feelings toward her and I dont know if that knowledge will create those feelings or not.I guess in a way im sticking my head in the sand, I just dont want to deal with it right now, I feel like my plate is full enough.but you are right, I do need to address the situation at some point.otherwise moving will be like putting a band aid over a stab wound…

    About her emotions regarding my pregnancy, I do completely expect her to have a tough time about it and if she goes a bit off because of it I understand. But acting out is one thing and hurting the people around you is another.I think that how you treat people is important regardless of the bind you are in, it says alot about you as a person.and just because you are in pain doesnt make it okay to be malicious toward someone else. I understand its hard, and if it were the other way around id also be upset, but there is a limit.

    Im not the kind of person who wants what another has by nature.In fact if I know someone else has something, that thing kind of loses some of its appeal for me,I try my best not to compete with her.I can honestly say im not envious of her or that I want anything she has.Im not sure she can say the same toward me though, and I think that is part of the reason for this fight.

    I agree that most of us know exactly what we did when we did it.and with my co that is what bothers me.she knows she messed up she knows she did something.yet she hides behind whatever story she can find and tries to make me look the villain, which is kinda hard to do when I have no idea whats going on. I just dont get her logic.

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2015

    We as Muslim are to remind one another. Some people think the reminder is to tell someone they shouldn’t do this or they shouldn’t do that in terms of fornicating, committing adultery, snooping in phones, checking emails, etc. The people already know those things are wrong. They didn’t need us to point it out to them. The individuals may be struggling with those things as a personal jihad.

    The type of reminders Muslims need is to be patient, don’t despair, don’t give up, persevere, pray for Allah’s help and guidance, seek Allah’s help, humble oneself to Allah (not to a husband or a co), seek Allah’s forgiveness and mercy, forgive even when angry, know that Allah is with us; He sees and knows all things. It’s what people forget and need reminding of. They don’t need reminding of what they already know. If we’ve done wrong, most of us know it, unless we’re mentally challenged or totally unaware and uneducated. We know it without needing someone to tell us. It’s why when people come here and say they committed adultery or are involved in a relationship without being married I tend not to comment on it. I don’t care. Those people know what they are doing. They don’t need me to point it out and give them a scolding. It’s not what they came here for.

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2015

    @javiera,

    You need to be mindful that your co is probably having a difficult time dealing with the fact that she will no longer be the only wife who has children by your and her husband. She has been the only one with his children for a long time and it gave her a psychological advantage over you. Now the playing field is leveled until you and she begin to compete for who will have the most children by him. It’s what I call, “the baby war”. Allah speaks of rivalry that we engage in with regard to children, wealth, property etc. People get so caught up in the game that they lose sight of why Allah created us and what our goal should be. He created us to worship him with a goal of entering Jannah/Paradise. No one is happy when competing for worldly possessions.

    Your co may make it seem she is sore about something other than what the real issue is. She may have no one to talk to about her feelings about you being pregnant. She doesn’t want to come across as a jealous, angry, envious person. The ladies here come here and say, for instance, look, my co is pregnant and I’m totally upset by it and not handling it well at all. We could relate to it. It doesn’t reflect badly on her. We’re not here to point a finger and say bad Muslimah. We as Muslims know what is right and what is wrong, without the reminder of what is right and what is wrong. We’re here to help one another cope and get better.

    I could understand what your co may be feeling although I’m not in the situation. I know how I’d probably feel if it was a part of my life, if I had kids and a co that became pregnant, I’d probably have to process the information and activate some coping skills. Dealing with emotions effectively helps us with the purification of the soul.

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2015

    @Javiera, As Salaamu Alaikum :-)

    I’m very happy you’re feeling better. I think it helps just to talk about what’s bothering us with someone who could understand. I have my wali who I don’t know if he understands entirely, but he’s there to listen when I speak.

    Based on what you said, it sounds you think your co may have found some information that shows you had an agenda for you all living together. Sometimes what we find despite the way we found it gives us insight into matters regarding us. The information may hurt us, but the revelation was meant to be and for a reason (s). It not to say we will not account for the way we found the information. If your co snooped, Insha Allah, she has repented and asked Allah to forgive her. It’s between her and Allah. Insha Allah, you will feel more at ease when you move and know your property is secure from invasion.

    It makes no sense that your co just walks about not speaking with you and your husband doesn’t let you know up front what transpired so you could address the matter. No one is communicating. It’s nice you and her daughter have a nice relationship. It must be difficult for her daughter to be caught in the middle of the predicament.

    You could move, but it still doesn’t answer the question about what happened, and how it could be resolved. Did you ask him and her what is going on? Communication is key to making a marriage work. It seems all three of you may be bottling up your emotions and it will recoil. Those are just some of my thoughts about it, based on my understanding of what you’ve stated. :-)

  • javeria

    May 10, 2015

    @ ana

    Ive been just reading whats been going on with everyone,promising myself I wouldnt post if I was gonna complain.you know the whole speak good or remain silent….but I just couldnt deal anymore! rabiabint has been quiet,I was thinking of her and ummof4 the other day as well.I hope they are well.

    Lol yep,very stressful very busy.mainly because my co went from being normal to a being a total lunatic in a new York minute! Now she wont speak to me unless I speak to her.If she needs to let me know something or wants something, her daughter tells me. I dont mind cos her daughter n I get along well, shes very sweet.I would like to know why shes cut off tho.nobody just goes silent cos they feel like it…on the other hand maybe its better she stays away…who even knows anymore?? Yes im with child lol as u so cutely put it.I also like that phrase! My first InshaAllah. Normally id be unhappy about the separation because of his kids, who are the reason I agreed to live together in the first place.but I am thanking Allah, because I dont want my child to have to deal with all this rollercoaster rubbish and have to witness the crazy. Plus he hasnt told me what he meant by her being in my business and wanting to live together cos of an agenda And im afraid to ask because if she has been in my stuff or spying on me and its admitted to me I dont know how I’ll react. But it worries me,especially when I read about co wives like ina’s for example.I guess I can only hope shes not nuts,and if she is its now contained until im gone atleast.

    I just cant be that person ana, and im not one to count cents.which is why ive decided to just let it go,if she wants to do this good for her, if it is more important to her than fixing the obvious issues they have, its her life.its more important to me that hubby amd I have a good relationship and that I have a solid marriage over the solid bamk account(though that would be great too lol).I also need to learn to shut out all these people that are like jabbering in my ear about not letting her get away with disadvantaging me or my child cos the more she takes from him the less he has for me or whatever. Im leaving it to Allah, He will sort it out, if not in this world, then in the next InshaAllah.

    I think this move will be good for him as well, he will be able to focus on what is important and no more stress and drama.hes not having so much a financial crisis, more like an existential crisis lol. I think with this illness he hasnt been able to manage his business as he would like, and with all going on with co, I think hes gotten a little depressed about life.hes the kind of man whos proud in that feels like its his job to handle all these things and not to need his wives to help him out.and recently he’s needed a lot of help so i think its been a bit hard on him.so instead of talking about it hes bottling it up and recoiling.

    I totally agree with u. Crying to Allah is the ultimate therapy.I was so scrambled yesterday I thought I was gonna have a meltdown lol.I just prayed and prayed until I felt calm again.I dont know if you’ve seen the cartoon frozen, but I feel like my mind is just like ‘let it go’ lol. Now if only I could build ice castles too….Lol told you ive lost my marbles. Thank you so much for the ear though.I feel so much better, I felt so alone, like there was nobody I could talk to who could understand. Then I remembered that I do, in this blog. It really is an amaanah, alhamdulillah.

    @ gail I do hope your surgery was successful and you are returned to full health. Stay strong lady!

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2015

    @javiera, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    WOW! So much is going on over where you are. I got stressed just reading your post. Don’t give a second thought to the lengths of your posts. It doesn’t matter if you write for hours lol

    I didn’t know you are pregnant and due soon. It’s you, Marie and White Muslim from Europe who are with child now. I like using that phrase – with child. I think it’s so cute. You need to concentrate on you and your baby’s health right about now. Forget all the drama. Tell your husband you need those vitamins and he needs to sacrifice whatever he needs to do to get them for you. The fact that you are vitamin deficient and so totally stressed by by all the drama and your hormones are so out of whack that you don’t know whether you’re coming or going. Thank Allah much that He’s going to take you away from being up close and personal with the co. I’m sure you’ll feel so much better when you’re not having to notice her existence every day.

    I’m the type of person you are. I can’t jerk some one around, and make demands just because I want to see them squirm and upset. I care too much about people to try to put them in a predicament and make life anymore difficult for them then it already is. I’m about trying to make life better for people. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve had my days in the past when I’ve done my dirt to people, but those days are over, dead and gone. I know people can change, if the person wants to and Allah wills it. I don’t believe just because a person is one way today they will always be that way. But, yeah, don’t stoop to her level. She’s not happy being a pain in the derriere. No one is. It’s a miserable person who tries to make other people’s lives miserable. Don’t be that person.

    Your husband has got himself two wives and children and one on the way. He’s ill. He’s having financial difficulties. He’s got to suck it up. Just like we women have to get our lives right with Allah swt and do what He commands of us in order to have a decent life on this planet, the husbands have to do so, as well. Allah makes promise to us of a good life on this planet and a better one in Jannah/Paradise. We’ve all have got to do our part.

    I suggest you just lay low. Avoid discussing anything with him until he takes his meds and is calm. You need to communicate with him about how you feel and what you think when he’s in a calm state. It’s the only way he’ll know you.

    Remember Allah provides. Take your complaints to Allah for He hears the complaints of the wife who cries to Him about her husband and He considers both sides. Don’t worry about finances, as it shows a lack of faith in Allah. Everything will work out. People tend to think that if they worry, things will get better for some reason. Things will be the way they are meant to be whether a person worries or not, so why stress yourself out with worry? Everything is going to be okay. Just try to relax, kick back and chill. Everything will be just fine. We are here whenever you feel like chatting…

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2015

    @javeria, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’ve been thinking of you. I missed you. Rabiabint has been on my mind as well. javeria, I will return, as soon as I can to read you, Insha Allah.

  • javeria

    May 9, 2015

    Assalaamualaikum everyone

    Feeling really down the past couple days.was hoping it would pass, but its just sitting on my chest. I just feel totally fed up up.I have midterms coming up n I havent bothered to study,feel like I cnt be bothered about anything much… Hubby and co had some blowout of a fight a few days ago.since then they havent been speaking.hes been spending his allocated time there but its really tense.I have a feeling it has something to do with money and something to do with her prying into my life. As a result,it seems likely that I’ll be moving house.I dont mind, especially if it turns out she is in my business.I do mind though, that whatever issues they have are spilling into my life.when he comes here hes moody and argumentative and snappy.Nothing I do is right.Ive been patient since hes been ill and hes been moody because of that and because hes contagious, nobody is allowed to touch him,hes itchy all the time and therefore double grouchy so its getting to him and I know men are beyond grumpy when theyre sick in general. But honestly, I cant handle it anymore.its to the point where I wait for him to take his meds because they mellow him out and that is prob the only time I like being around him.its like the only time I see the man I love and married.The rest of the time hes a test to be around,hes hurtful and impatient and quite simply, a total biatch. its very frustrating.not to mention that my co’s latest issue is that he owes her money for her kids expenses. She sent him a list, on my time of what she thinks shes owed.I saw it,all well and good, but she is claiming back monies that I know she already got from him and monies for things I paid half of!it makes me so mad because here I am trying to help him save money, helping him where I can and shes screwing both of us! I havent said anything because im so angry and also because I know theyre having beef, and even tho she probably deserves it, I dont want to make it worse.It hurts me that she thinks nothing of it, when I know this man has bought nothing for our baby,everything I have prepared ive received as a gift or ive bought.If this carries on I’ll have to borrow to provide all the things my baby will need.He has contributed literally, zero.but he can give her lumpsums for crap shes already been reimbursed for.but if I ask him for a separate allowance to get the babys stuff sorted,(im due in like a month) then I must wait,or nag, or do it myself.but she throws one tantrum because he finally agreed to sort out the furniture for the babys room,and everything goes to hell.I feel like I should also go psycho and start demanding and screwballing him every chance I get, but its not in me to do that to him.I dnt have the heart to take advantage.
    Ive said nothing because I feel bad for him because hes been so sick for over a month n I no I cant be logical and I know it wont be pretty because everytime I think of it I wanna break things! In a way im almost glad Im moving,then I can be away from all this bullcrap.I cant take it anymore,its depressing me,im like falling apart.I cry all the time, Ive been trying to hide it from him and ive prob been damn good at it cos he hasnt noticed that im not okay.I havent taken my preg vits for ages because hes supposed to be taking me to get them and everytime its a story.so now im so calcium deficient my tongue goes numb atleast once a day.Im double tired and quadruple sore, and I know its cos my body is deprived of the nutrients I get from those vits because when I was taking them i was fine.why should I have to be a nag to get what I need?why should she be able to make my life this damn hard? Everytime I look at her face at the moment I wanna punch her.

    Sorry for the long very aggro post….i Just dunno how to deal anymore and Im tired of crying alone.I needed to get it all out.feel free to call me a crazy lady lol, I probably have become one

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    @Ummu ‘Ain,

    What a beautiful post you wrote to farah. You’re doing so good. I’m so happy for you. Thank you much!!! for the ayah and the reminder. I appreciate it very much…

  • Ummu 'Ain

    May 7, 2015

    Yes…sis farah dear. I echo sis ana’s comment. It’s actually a prolonged battle with our nafs and syaitan…

    It has been nearly 2 years for me in this polygamous marriage…after 16 years of a blissful monogamous one. And I still struggle…whenever my low poly moment comes.

    So my focus now is to rise again as soon as I possibly can when the down moments visit…by aiming for the ultimate…and as sis ana puts it…”keep the eye on the prize”…which is Mardhatillah (Allah’s pleasure) and of course…Jannah…

    With that consistent thought, in syaa Allah, all matters of dunya will seem insignificant. You just have to have faith my dear. And that faith is instilled when we are in constant contact with Allah ‘Azza wa Jall and also not dependent of anyone or anything else in this world.

    “…and whoever hopes to meet his Lord, let him do righteous work and not associate with anyone in the worship of his Lord…” (Al Kahf, 18 : 110)

    By reminding you this…i am actually indeed reminding myself and further motivating myself to strive even harder…

    Really dear…you are not alone.

    Much love

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2015

    @Farah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    No need to thank us for listening. It’s part of what we’re here for and what we do – we listen. So, it’s only been five months that you are in this set up. Well, I certainly understand the tough time you are having. Sometimes it takes years to get to a good place where the pain is not so intense. It takes a lot of work on the wives part. They have to work on themselves. All the negative emotions surface and it’s not pretty.

    Allah in the Holy Quran speaks about slaying ourselves. It doesn’t mean kill ourselves. It mean kill our low desires. Kill the negativity and base emotions that are in us. It’s the diseases of the heart. It’s what you feel that hurts so badly. Maybe Allah has placed some women in polygamous marriages to give them the opportunity to get their souls purified. No one can enter Jannah/Paradise with an impure heart.

    You speak of all that your husband is probably doing with the other wife. You don’t know what they do when they are together; therefore, it’s Satan having you imagine things. Satan has you thinking of the two of them together in an intimate way. Only you could battle with him to rid yourself of those thoughts. Allah tells us to do it by seeking refuge in Him from Satan the accursed. Only Allah can rid you of those thoughts and remove the pain. Remember the Quran is a cure.

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2015

    @wives lover formerly maid lover,

    Thank you for stopping in and updating us on how your life is going with your family. So, you remember well the “I’ve got it Maid” post/thread from the older version of the 411. It was a cool post/thread. I especially remembered the pic associated with it. I have the older version of the blog in a folder. I’m just way to busy to mess around with the files now to retrieve that particular post. Perhaps one day, I’ll do something with those files, Insha Allah.

    You’re right that some cultures and religions don’t allow polygamy. People who really believe in their religion – Islam – don’t let anything stand in the way of them living a polygamous life. For a husband and a wife’s marriage to be valid, no papers have to be registered. No legal documents are required. The marriage is between the husband and the wife and they have their contract between them. It’s easy and valid. The marital couple have not violated any law of a country. Problems arise by those Muslims who don’t like that Allah permits polygamy and they want to find anything they can to say what ALLAH PERMITS is no good or not allow. I get chills thinking of it. They say people must obey the laws of the land that disallow polygamy; although no law can supersede the laws of Allah who is God. They rely on some version of what supposedly happened between Ali and Fatima, when those people clearly are not our examples. No one knows the truth about what happened between Fatima, Ali and the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in terms of Ali wanting to engage in polygamy. Ali and Fatima are not mentioned in the Quran. People rely on some story of a lopsided, paralyze, leaning over person on the Day of Judgement for which there is no basis for it. Allah tells us in the Holy Quran how people will look, act and think on the Day of Judgement and he speaks nothing of any paralyzed, lopsided people. They say Allah says only one wife if a man can’t be just to his wives when the ayah pertains to doing justice to the orphans. People come up with anything they can think of to go against Allah and what he permits for men – polygamy.

    Anyhow, you’ve engaged in polygamy, which is a way of life Allah allows and you’ve done nothing wrong in terms of it. Don’t let anyone rain on your parade my brother.

  • Farah

    May 6, 2015

    @ Ummu ‘Ain and Anna Assalamualaikum

    Thank you so much for your words of inspiration.I cried all night last night thinking what went wrong that i deserved this , then read namaaz and fealt better.It is very hard thinking your husband sleeping with another woman.My husband was very rude before , abusive but now alhamdulilah all gone.I just feel i was with him from beginning and we have a family and now he has another wife how unfair.She enjoying all the benefits as no kids and no resposibilities,just travelling shoppimg and being with him alone.Am i really being selfish?
    I just feel so low and I pray to Allah to help me out of this pain.
    I only found out 5 months ago and its been the only thing on my mind.
    Jazkallah for listening.

  • wives lover formerly maid lover

    May 6, 2015

    Asalamualaikum Everyone

    now i feel was a good decision to take a second wife. She took good care of family children. I feel women are powerful to decide how many children they want. How they convince thier husbands in this. I have a nice life. Second wife is greatful for her marriage with me. She feels good and nice to be with the family. I am a women’s man I like control of my wives over me. I love that I told second wife to control me in some situations I love my wifes. marriage to second wife was need of the hour I am glad she came at the right time. Feeling wonderful now i gonna help her poor family with a house and job for my father in law I feel men can have more wives It will refresh thier life. Some cultures and religions doesnt allow Polygamy I m a fan of your page I miss the “I ve got it maid’ post came in this webpage.

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2015

    @Ummu ‘Ain, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, sis

    I’m happy to hear you are feeling much better, after having a low moment. We all have those days every now and again. I’m so glad the posts the ladies have written were helpful in lifting your spirits.

    Thank you sis Ummu ‘Ain for speaking up that you relate to farah’s situation. There are quite a number of ladies who are in the same position. We all have a lot in common here. I think this blog is a blessings that Allah has given us. Alhumdulliah for it! :-)

    It was very kind and sweet of you to text your co to wish her well. It’s not always and easy thing to do. Alhumdulliah.

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2015

    Excuse me. I think I got carried away there.Embarrassed Sometimes I get beside myself. Oh my.

  • alison

    May 6, 2015

    hehehe yeah i agree men are smooth talkers and really dumb..anyway Gail our prayers with you my love. May God make it easy for you

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2015

    They could be an ugly turd.

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2015

    @Gail,

    I totally get what you said. I agree it was in bad taste for the husband to have said it.I agree the one wife will probably get a big head from reading the statement, and think she’s the cat’s meow. The statement to the one wife doesn’t foster unity, peace and good will between the wives. A husband is a real butt hole who does such a thing and I think many a polygamous man does it. Thing is, if women don’t go snooping about, they most likely wouldn’t know what was said. If the women find out, it’s good as well. The wife who finds out wasprobably meant to get a wakeup call. Don’t fall asleep on him. He’s a Smooth talker. She shouldn’t think she’s anymore special than the other wife. It would remind me to put my faith, trust and focus where it needs to be and it’s not on a husband. You know what I’m sayin? Men could be a real total piece of sh!t.

  • Gail

    May 6, 2015

    Alison,
    I am certain u r right but I don’t understand why he don’t just send her flowers or candy and tell her she was awesome.I mean direct his attention on her.Honestly when I see husband do this it makes me just Roll my eyes like whatever Dude.lol
    Maybe I am to knit picky not sure but it would not sit easy with me and would feel like he is loving the one he is with.

  • Gail

    May 6, 2015

    Ana and Alison,

    The point I was trying to make was that I really think men r Gosh I hate to say this but Stupid/simple at times.The reason I say this is because they say things to one wife like oh I have not felt like that everrr or has been forever etc.. Do I believe the husband is clueless.He might be the first time but if a wife hears or picks up on his words I betcha he knows after that.
    I honestly think it is in very bad taste and not very religious of a man to say things in any context that can be interpreted that one wife is better than the next or has better qualities if u know what I mean.
    Woman r very jealous by nature and why should the woman have to always be the ones to take one for the team if u know what I mean.lol
    I wonder how a husband would feel if the shoe was on the foot.Men and woman r equally jealous and I honestly feel it is in very bad taste for a husband to not think before he speaks or text etc…. I believe if they r going to practice Polygamy then they should be held to a higher standard.Just my thoughts.
    On another note not related to Polygamy I had a biopsy done last week and I got the results back 2 days ago.I have Basal Cell Carcinoma/Skin Cancer behind my right ear.I am going in tomorrow at 3 pm to have surgery.Wish me luck!

  • alison

    May 6, 2015

    Hey Gail been ages missed you a lot in all fairness I think her ego was shattered how does your hubby stay with your co three months so he needs to mend it I know men write what we want to hear most of the times….he needs to boost her ego may be for his sanity as he spends there now. We split one night each
    thanks all for your comments it was a sure boost I needed. I love this blog

  • Ummu 'Ain

    May 5, 2015

    Adding to my previous comment. I meant to mention…when I read the comments here, it makes me feel better to know that I’m not alone in this world and in this situation. Allah swt blesses me with all my sisters here and we are in the same boat…sailing towards the same destination. Baarakallahu feekum!!!

  • anabellah

    May 5, 2015

    @Gail,
    He may have said it to boost the co’s egos – a way to make sure he keeps getting some good loving from her. Maybe she had been withholding from him for a long time.

  • Ummu 'Ain

    May 5, 2015

    Assalaamu’alaikum ww, my dearest sisters…

    Seems like syaitaan is really in his game this week with us…I was also feeling crappy and having poly blues.

    @Farah: I relate to you well these few days. Hubs is away for the week to attend to his business and my co. I think you have not read my story…where our marriage is quite similar…exactly like what Sis Ana mentioned. I have 4 kids too and hubs runs his business in another country where my co lives. Our schedule is 3 weeks with me and a week with her.

    Usually I don’t feel this crappy when he is away…but this time, hubs is launching his new business expansion…and my co is going to grace the ceremony with him this very day. And actually I was the one planning the ceremony with him when he was with me these past weeks.

    Huhu…this is where I guess syaitan takes the opportunity to step up in his game. So…feeling increasingly crappy since last night,I decided to vent here this morning, hoping to get some motivation from my sisters here…after I make du’a during solah Dhuha for Allah to make it easier on me. Then I read all the new comments. Alhamdulillah…now I feel so much better. And I actually texted my co to wish her the best and make du’a for her and hubs for today’s ceremony. And masyaa’Allah…tabaarakallah…with His grace, I immediately feel so much better…like this battle with syaitan is won…this time round…

    @Alison: Hey dear…been there, done that…and learnt the hard way. Now I go to the extent of covering my EYES whenever there is so much as a beep from hubs’ phone…huhuhu…the phobia of it all. Sisters Laila, Ana and Ummuof4 have mentioned the statement of the day: the hurt is unbearable AND it really is NOT worth it.

    Alhamdulillah…now I feel so much better…and will continue with my day with a smile.

    Much love dearies!!

  • Gail

    May 5, 2015

    Alison,
    You know what I totally see your point.It was in very bad taste of your husband to say he had not felt like that in ages because when he said that u know his other wife instantly thought he loves her more or she is somehow better etc.. He implied it in as much in his post I feel.So although u r at fault he is at a bigger fault to put u down in the way that he did even though he may not have realized he even did it but I am sure his other wife did!

  • anabellah

    May 5, 2015

    @farah,

    Just so you know, there were other ladies here on this blog who their husbands left them with children care for and the household and business to run. The husbands were out of the country with their other wives. You are definitely not alone in that category.

    Remember Allah tests us in many ways. It could very well be a test for you that you are left holding down the fort. Maybe it’s a blessing; maybe it’s a curse; only Allah knows. The way you react to it could very well determine whether it’s a test or a punishment for you.

    If you sit around wallowing in self pity and not pick yourself up and do what you need to do, I were surmise it will be a punishment for you. If you look at it as possibly a test from Allah that you intend to pass and do what you’ve got to do to get things done – take the bull by the horn and run with it, then you should be in good shape. So, what do you intend to do?

  • anabellah

    May 5, 2015

    @farah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Insha Allah, you’ll feel better tomorrow. Remember everyday is different with different circumstances and we feel differently everyday, as well. Insha Allah, you’ll feel better later today or tomorrow.

    It’s good you feel badly about having sent the nasty sms. Ask Allah to forgive you and have mercy on you for having done it. It’ll be okay. Ask him to make you stronger to resist the temptation to reach out to her negatively again. farah, remember, Sis, when you contact her in such a way, it could very well make her feel good that she’s affecting you and your marriage negatively – that she’s getting you to react. You don’t want to give her that satisfaction. The reason I say she may feel that way is because it gives you an indication what she’s like in that she doesn’t mind disrupting your time with your husband continually.

    Insha Allah, when he returns home, you should speak with him, and ask him to kindly limit the time he speaks with her in your presence. For instance, ask him to speak with her when he is out of the home. I don’t get how some men can’t get it – that it affects the other wife in a negative way when he yaps all day and night with the other wife in the presence of the other. There are plenty of time for him to speak with his other wife when he’s driving to or from work, while at work, while at a store, while the wife is out doing things alone or with the kids or when she’s sleeping etc. It’s not complicated.

    As you know, no one can get in your head and erase your thoughts or stop them. If you don’t turn to Allah and remember Him and seek His help then, as He states in the Holy Quran, He has given you an evil companion. The evil companion is Satan. Satan is all up in your head. Satan has set up shop in your head and you let him live there and eat away at your mind, whispering things to you to keep you upset. You need to deal with it. There is no magical formula that we could give you to help you cope, other than for me to tell you to read Quran and try to live it. If you find it difficult to pick the Quran up and read it, keep trying and ask Allah to let you do it. We can’t do anything unless Allah wills it, unless it pleases Allah, unless He allows us to do it. We can’t do anything on our own. It’s the best I can tell you. Seek Allah’s help. Get yourself right with Allah. We’re here for you, whenever you want to talk. It’s okay…

  • ummof4

    May 5, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Alison, as others have said, we all have made the MAJOR MISTAKE OF INVADING THE PRIVACY OF OUR HUSBAND AND HIS OTHER WIFE. I made that same mistake years ago before cell phones, pcs or internet. Back then in the dark ages before answering machines, people wrote more letters. I snooped at a letter his wife had written ti him, not a letter that he had written to her, and I was physically and emotionally out of it for a couple of weeks. The letter was in his suitcase and I read it. I even mentioned the contents of the letter to my husband. He told me that he would bear no responsibility for my jealousy and hurt feelings because I should have never opened up a letter addressed to him. He was 100% correct and I have never made that mistake again. It’s tempting, but not worth the unnecessary jealousy and self-doubt that comes with it. I’m glad you came to us with it instead of mentioning it to your husband.
    However, I do believe that it is important to lay down ground rules of communication. A simple rule that we follow in our marriage is no communication of any type from 8:00 PM to 5:00 AM (We are early risers) between the husband and the wife that he is not with. The only exception is an extreme emergency. This keeps down the jealousy and comparing on both ends.
    Everyone have a good day/night praising Allah.

  • alison

    May 5, 2015

    Farah I wrote a long post and it disappeared…please don’t compare you hurt only you
    Wil send Duas for Allah to Grant you ease in shaa Allah
    much love scared of loosing this post too

  • alison

    May 5, 2015

    Thanks Anna feeling much better sometimes we stuck in our heads and beat ourselves that is why am forever thankful for this blog…it by far my best support system
    love you all

  • anabellah

    May 5, 2015

    There r new posts below mine

  • anabellah

    May 5, 2015

    @alison,

    I am so sorry you are upset. I think Laila gave you EXCELLENT advice. I can’t think of much more to add other than to speak a little on what Laila said. Laila is correct they each and everyone of us have been there and done that with snooping and putting our eyes and nose where they shouldn’t have been. I like that it has happened to me in that it caused me to stop. Reading something I didn’t want to read or seeing what I didn’t want to see made me realize I hurt myself more than anything. It was a huge wake up call. Sometimes we need these type of things to happen to help us grow and become better people. I was grateful for the experience.

    Your husband was away from his other for a good, long time. He was feeling some things that he hadn’t had with her in a while. As Laila said, it doesn’t take anything away from you and your love making sessions with your husband. Maybe he has told you face to face how wonderful his encounters with you were. Maybe he hadn’t told her face to face but told her by way of text. It’s no biggy. As Laila said sex is only one part of a marriage. Anyone who makes it the most important part and the all in all is very limited and shallow.

    Don’t beat up on yourself or your husband. Marriage is marriage for all of us and sex is a part of it. What you read takes nothing from you. It’s not a reflection of you. It wasn’t about you. Don’t stress yourself out about it. It’s okay. Stay out of his phone. Okay, sis. It’s all good…

    I have to run now. I wrote this quickly, so please excuse any errors.

    Love to everyone!

  • farah

    May 5, 2015

    Assalamualaikum All feeling really down and depressed today….husband left to other wife staying in another country …while I run the business and 4 kids and home…I feel I’m being cheated on in life. …she don’t spare him a moment when he is with me…always on chat from mrng to evening I never disturb them…I had enough today and write her a nasty sms but after doing that I felt bad ….I don’t mean to be rude but some ppl don’t have feelings how they affect the next person.I am trying really hard to accept this marriage and ne positive but it’s like jealousy and everything is getting to me…I keep comparing everything ….it’s driving me nuts….

  • alison

    May 5, 2015

    Thanks laila….I knew I was better off bringing my fight here…would not dare mention to him as it would break his trust and wouldn’t want that
    hugs love

  • Laila

    May 5, 2015

    Dear Alison. We all have checked our husbands phone so do not feel bad We have sneaked around and done some major snooping. You were curious as to what was happening on the other side of the fence and you invaded their privacy by reading information that was not beneficial for you. They are probably working hard on their relationship and you now feel threatened. Sex is not the major part of a relationship as many would think it to be. I think what matters is the connection, chemistry and communication a couple would have. You are probably a bit angry now thinking why would he text her such stuff when he was with you. Try to keep this to yourself. Telling him about those messages will make you look like a stalker. Then the “trust” issues will come into play. Tell yourself to literally stop yourself when it comes to reaching out to his phone.
    Because you should feel confident enough in your relationship with him to not bother about what he texts her. Feel good that you do not need to snoop and read up about their love life. What you have going is great, and why kill your romance by reading such messages to her? By doing this, you save yourself from jealousy and you have your own way and beat in your relationship. That is my take on it.

  • alison

    May 5, 2015

    hey ladies am stuck in a rut :((((( need big time help as satan has been whispering and DRIVING ME MAAAD. As i had mentioned earlier for the last 3 months hubby was with me alone even though we stay in the same town. He just went to visit during the day. Now for the last week we back to splitting days and the jealousy is back with a huge bang. even though i try to control sometime i loose it and end up fighting with hubby which isn’t worth it. am trying to adjust though

    now yesterday did something i know i should not have and always don’t but stupidly checked his phone (Even though has a password, i must be a hacker lol) the rest of messages to her were mundane goodnight, hi etc now the last three which he sent while he was with me were you make me happy and last night was great and have not felt that in ages…..which drove me utmost crazy and cant even concentrate especially the part of have not felt that in ages..our sex life has been amazing and off the hook and one of the things i knew i had going on and now this :((( please help me out

    learnt the lesson i shouldnt have gone through his messages

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2015

    Abdullah, Wa Alaikum As Salaamu,

    How poetic. What you wrote was very beautiful!

    If it’s Allah’s will, you will have all you dream of. Pray to Allah for the good in this world and the good in the Hereafter and to save you from His wrath and His Hell Fire. He is the Only One who could give you it.

    The best to you in your pursuits, my brother

  • Abdullah

    May 3, 2015

    Assalamualykom…

    All my sisters in deen, i need your help…

    I have a dream

    That one day i will marry my second wife
    Who have blond hair like the sun
    Blue eyes like the sky
    Rich like black card
    And have faith like Khadija

    I know is somewhere out there..
    Im still holding on

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2015

    When I said “his age”, I meant your 18 year old will probably have lots of fun with a little 2 year old brother-in-faith. There is so much for the little brother to learn and your 18 year old son, Insha Allah, can teach him a lot. He will probably form a beautiful bond with the little guy, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2015

    Cowives club (anisa)

    It’s all so awesome. I’d imagine your 18 year old would have much fun with a little brother-in-faith his age. please keep us informed of what’s taking place. I enjoy reading about it so much. I pray everything works out for each and everyone of yous. There are probably so many barakats for you and your entire family to gain by coming together, as long as you keep your focus on Allah. It’s incredibly wonderful. Alhumdullah!

  • Cowives club (anisa)

    May 2, 2015

    subah Allah ana .. thats so true it is best to jump in ..i do believe once she knows about the others and see what i’m like (a very easy going person ) it will change her thinking … the place she is from i have visited before and it is beautiful their but very hot and with me being covered head to foot including face and hands it would take alot but out side of the summer it would be good

    she also has a 2 year old boy so my son whose 18 will love that as he has always wished for a brother

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2015

    @cowivesclub (anisa) Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It was very sweet of your potential co-wife to offer not to stay with your husband for the first year of their marriage so you could adjust. It certainly does appear she wants good for you.

    Personally, I think it’s best to just jump in there and get it going. I think it makes the adjustment period less stressful. I always find anticipating something and preparing for it more burdensome than the actual event in terms of anything that’s happening in my life.

    I’d imagine since you’ve been there and done that with your husband already with him being polygamous and her parents having been polygamous, it’s a good fit. Just think; you could go there and visit her. How cool that would be. Happy Day Dreaming I’d be there already LOL.

    I’m excited for you Happy smiley

  • Cowives club (anisa)

    May 2, 2015

    wa alikum asalam Jazak Allah khair Ana

    we it does seem good and i do believe that he is making arrangement to meet her family to ask for her hand … i have so many question going on in my head but then thought ok … it isnt for me to think like that … he is the one going to marry her and he needs to deal with how things will work … i just hope me and her can have a good friendship and be sister the way we hope for

    i have come along way form before as i would have been asking and asking him questions bout everything and most of them he wouldnt have been able to answer because he wouldnt know yet

    she does want good from me from what he says because she said that may be they would live apart for th first year as she is from the sahara he asked why. she said because me his wife (anisa) is a woman and has feelings and would need time to get use to everything … subhan Allah this is good but she doesnt know a of yet that he has been married before so the issue of getting use to it isnt a problem …

    but in shaa ALlah i eagerly await to see what happens

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2015

    @Ummu ‘Ain & alison, As Salaamu Alaikum

    It is always good to hear you are still with us reading along. I’m so happy when you both stop in and say, hey Little Cutie Says Hello. I’m so glad Allah allows you to still be here with us. Alhumdulliah.

    @Co-wives club (anisa), As Salaamu Alaikum

    Wow, so your hubz is going to do this thing again, Insha Allah. I pray it all goes well for you and him. I think things very well may be looking good for you and your hubz with the sister who was raised in a home with polygamous parents. It sounds promising. I will make duah for you and your family that He gives you a good, God Fearing, God Loving co-wife. It’s good news you’ve brought us. Please keep us posted, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & hello to all the wonderful people here.

    @Ummu ‘Ain, Laila, and alison, thank you so very much for all the lovely, bright and cheery well wishes for my hubz and my anniversary this month. I feel the love and I love you all. Thanks to everyone out there in advance who wishes he and I well, but didn’t express it here or haven’t yet, but have thought of him and I. Allah is Great is the best thing I can say.

    I thank Allah so very much for all you wonderful, bright and beautiful blog family members here. You all are the best

  • Cowives club (anisa)

    May 1, 2015

    Ma Shaa Allah Tabarak Allah Ana … may allah continue to bless your marriage

    things are changing for us here .,.. hubby is talking to 2 sisters one in france and the other here bot are Algerian …. i havent spoken to them yet but from what he says they sound really nice i do think that maybe he is leaning more towards the sister here …as she comes from a polygamous family her father had 2 wives … i’m really looking forward to getting to know here as i have only ever dealt with women that have been married or are married and to have someone who grew up in it can be so much different ..maybe she can teach us a thing or two

    anyway keep us in your duas that what ever Allah place their will be a benefit to us

  • alison

    May 1, 2015

    Hey did not know it was your anniversary..May Allah bless your marriage and grant you sakina in shaa Allah
    hugs

  • Laila

    May 1, 2015

    Dear Ana. Happy Anniversary!!!! May Allah s.w.t. bless you and your husband’s marriage with good health, wealth and joy. Much love from me and my better half ♡ Have a great day!

  • Ummu 'Ain

    May 1, 2015

    Assalamu’alaikum ww, my dearest Sis Ana and all my lovely sisters…

    Masyaa’Allah…sis ana has already opened up May discussions while here I am trying to catch up with the april ones and getting nowhere…huhuhu.

    I really am sorry if I’m somehow developing the habit of emerging only at the beginning of the month!! It’s just that time seems to fly by so fast…and by the time i drop by here again…the discussions have left me so far behind…

    Anyway…sis ana, HAPPY 13TH ANNIVERSARY, dearie. May your marriage be continually blessed all the way to Jannah…aameen!! To many more years of marriage bliss!!!

    Ok sisters…I’m going back to april at the moment. Really dislike to be out of touch.

    Much love

  • alison

    May 1, 2015

    Asalam aleikum beautiful ladies just dropped in to say hello
    take care love all

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and welcome everybody to our May 2015 Discussions forum.

    May is a beautiful month becuz it’s the month I married in. Memorial Day weekend is my anniversary. Hip, hip, horray for 13 years of marriage. Don’t mind me. I’m just elated.

    The link to the April 2015 discussion thread is: https://www.polygamy411.com/april-2015-discussions/

    May 2015 discussions