Polygamy 411 May 2016 Discussions

polygamy 411 May 2016 discussionsWelcome to our polygamy 411 May 2016 discussions. The polygamy 411 blog and support group is for all who have a positive interest in polygamy. We invite you all to join us here to talk about the topic. Feel free to discuss how it relate to your lives.

Our blog is not about how well anyone writes. It is not about punctuation, spelling, grammar, correct or incorrect English, or any of those things. Writing skills do not matter to us here. We urge all to express themselves in a way that is easy for them. We allow our writers to use symbols, as well.

When reading the polygamy 411 May 2016 discussions, please be mindful that we are global

When reading the polygamy 411 May 2016 discussions, please be mindful that people from all around the globe are with us here at polygamy 411. For many who are here, English is their second language. For the people for whom English is their second language and they write here, it is amazingly awesome. We only need to know how difficult it was, and is to learn our own language to know what it takes for people to learn a foreign one.

I’m fascinated by the readers and the writers here. I admire anyone who can speak or read a foreign language. I have hope that I will speak fluent Spanish one day before I leave the planet. Allah knows best if I will. There doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day to do all I’d like to do. I’m grateful for this blog. I thank Allah for it.

I am so delighted to have you all join our polygamy 411 May 2016 discussions

With a few exceptions, we welcome all on the planet to our home. We will not accept anyone who is against polygamy. We will not allow anyone to come here to ask people to hate polygamy. This is not a blog for those who reject polygamy as a way of life. For those whom we welcome, please share with us as much as you would like to share. Share what you are comfortable in sharing. We’d like to know your thoughts on what you read here, as well.

Most people feel uneasy when they write on a blog for the first time. I remember the first time I wrote on one. It felt strange. I felt as though people knew who I was. Today, many know who I am. It’s okay. In fact, there is a kind of freedom in being known. Let loose. Don’t worry so much about what others think of you. Be you. There is only one of you.

If you’ve missed reading any of the March 2016 discussions or would like to refresh your memory, the link to the thread is:

https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-April-2016-discussions/

polygamy 411 May 2016 discussions

polygamy 411 May 2016 discussions


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268 Comments

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2016

    This thread is now May 2016 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the May 2016 discussions and welcome in June 2016.

    Please join us at https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-june-2016-discussions/

    May 2016 discussions

  • Gail

    May 31, 2016

    Gina,

     U r correct Pakistani women are not very pious at all when they think they r getting the short end of the stick.

      The reason your husband doesn’t want to bring u forward is because he more than likely will be killed by his inlaws(worst case) best case is family tensions like u would not believe.Here is the thing though he knew all this before he ever got involved with u and still he decided to trap u.My husband did the same thing but with a different twist.He trapped me but didn’t deny me.My husband ended up having to make a choice to divorce his first wife because she would not accept polygamy and she was Pakistani.Even she did not care she lost her 2 children.Pakistani women can be down right ruthless when they want to be.

     

  • anabellah

    May 31, 2016

    Gail,

    I’m going to put my reply to you over on the June thread/post, since it’s almost midnight.

  • Gail

    May 31, 2016

    Ana,

    I am very happy these day.I have alot of stress from so many people living in the house but I have added on and made it into a 5 bedroom with 2 living rooms and I plan to build 4 more rooms come next season. I have decided to build a one story underground and 2 stories on top of the ground.I am also thinking to build some tree house style rooms.for guest and somehow try to link it all up together with small bridges.Sounds crazy I know but I got this idea in my head and I am thinking to just go all the way with it.

    We have also built a 4,000 sqft home in Pakistan.My husbands grandfather caused alot of problems but long story short my inlaws were so distraught that I stepped up and told my husband to tell them we would help them build another home so that is what we did and it is looking really nice and it is a 3 story home.I am on anxiety medication and it has helped me leaps and bounds to not worry about my inlaws.The best thing about the medication it calmed my mind to where I decided to let my husband deal his family and I will not give input.I emotionally disconnected and it has been the best thing.Even when my husband gets upset or goes silent I tell him straight ok I am going to unplug from u so u don’t bring my vibes down when u feel better let me know and I will plug back in.lol it works beautifully for me.I am really excited for u about your book and I think your hubby is right u should get out there and promote it and get the word out.It’s going to help alot of women.I am jealous that u know how to do write and get a book published I have so much I would love to say as well but I am uneducated on the book writing process.I am really proud of you!!

     

     

  • Mari2

    May 31, 2016

    Ana,

    Congratulations on your book!  I cannot wait to read it.  Thanks be to Allah for all the good He has chosen for you!

  • anabellah

    May 31, 2016

    I thought it’s best to open the “Robin is Ana Polygamy” post/thread being that a new thread/post will begin for June 2016 soon and May will close today. I copied the comments related to the book over to the newest thread/post.

  • anabellah

    May 31, 2016

    baseema,

    You made me laugh when you said I’m going to be even more famous LOL  It should be interesting. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

    I’m not going to think about book signings or anything like that. A person contacted me from a news station in Chicago and wanted to interview me about polygamy. I told him about the book, which made him even more so interested. I see myself drawing a blank and being unable to answer or think straight. I think I’ll sound stupid or something. I don’t know if I could handle all of that. Sigh. I turned the guy down. My husband says I should do it. The guy said he could blank out my feature and stuff – however I’d want to do it.

  • anabellah

    May 31, 2016

    Number4,

    I think you’re the only one who suspected that the surprise was a book https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    It’s such wonderful news about your son. So he took the Shahadah. Alhumdulliah. You must be so full of joy about it. It should form a closer bond between the two of you. It’s nice to have family who are Muslim. It’s one thing I miss. I have no biological family who are Muslim.

    Thank you for sharing the good news with us. I’m so happy for you and your son.

  • anabellah

    May 31, 2016

    Gail,

    Congratulations on being a grandma. It must be so much fun having a baby in the house. Olivia is such a beautiful name. She must be absolutely beautiful. It sounds that you have been super busy with all the family fare that is going on. You sound to be very happy in your writings. I’m assuming all is going well with you, your husband and the in-laws. So, your son will be driving. That should give you some gray hairs LOL

    I’m glad you’re going to try to check in more regularly. I think you’ve been here on the blog longer than anyone. I think of you often and look for you to comment. Your expertise about Pakistani culture is needed too. There are some other lovely ladies here who are educating us as well. All the information seems to be consistent.

  • anabellah

    May 31, 2016

    @Taslyiman,

    I couldn’t believe that someone would do such a devious, malicious thing either. It takes an evil person to publish the true identity of a person who doesn’t want their true identity known. They wouldn’t want it done to them. A person who sit around seeking out the info. and putting the pieces together to harm another has to have a sickness and a lackluster life. The only way they can bring meaning to their lives is by being all up in someone else’ and creating mischief. It’s sad.

  • anabellah

    May 31, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & hello to you all,

    I thank you all for the wonderful feedback and encouragement. I must say, I’m a bit excited about it and glad the writing part is over. I thought I’d blow a fuse when writing and editing it. We’ll see how things go.My work is just beginning.

    It will be available in all the formats. I just have to figure out how to get a PDF copy or kindle ebook to the writers her for free. Insha Allah I’ll let you all know when to expect it.

    @umm of2,

    No need to order it. Insha Allah, I’ll get it to you. I’ll just email the regulars here on how to get it for free or supply a link. I’m still learning, so please bear with me.

  • Number4

    May 31, 2016

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifAna  thanks for the shout out for Rahmadan. ..,yes I’m gearing up….even my son will join in, he’s just taken Shahada yesterday.  Although born Muslim he took some wrong choices,  I told him that he needs to recommit to Allah and he has. 

  • baseema

    May 31, 2016

    oh Ana i just read the post!! Kindle!! yay!!!! thank you so much, can’t wait!!! :)

  • baseema

    May 31, 2016

    Gail!!! Congratulations Grammy!!!! That is the best thing in the world, to be a grandmother!!! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • baseema

    May 31, 2016

    Ana!!! You’re going to be even more famous!! Congratulations and I can’t wait to read your book!! I hope there will be a kindle version of it?? When you said you were working on a surprise, you really surprised us!! i had no idea lol! that is SO cool! do you plan on autographing them? I would love to read the “Polygamy papers” with all the true stories from the blog (names changed of course!) i sometimes visited the old blog too! Are you going to put it on Amazon? Can’t wait!!! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • Number4

    May 31, 2016

    I kinda figured you were writing a book based on this blog. ..

    Awesome! 

  • Umm of2

    May 31, 2016

    Sis Ana congratulations what an accomplishment, an admirable milestone. I cannot wait to order my copy. There’s no better place to be than between the pages of a good book :) 

  • Scorpio83

    May 31, 2016

    Congratulations Ana, 

    joining this blog was for me a Godsend… 

    All these individual stories have put my life in perspective …. Helps keep me strong and positive….

    all you sisters are truly an inspiration…. 

    In sha  Allah I know you will get an amazing response to your book…..

    great work … I pray this blog continues flourishing……

     

  • GINA

    May 31, 2016

    CONGRATS ANA

    you truly an inspiration to me.I will definitely read your book. I can imagine how many women u going to help as u already have done. With the book u going open most fathers, brother and uncles eyes to what women go thru as well. I will continue to share this blog with south African women who are going through the same thing to share and be educated.

    We need to push forward to educate most women as we need to protect the growing daughter’s of tomorrow.i truly believe we are dealing with a group of men that gave there souls to the devil cause no GOD fearing men would do what those in my case Pakistani men do.

    ANA

    I am a secret wife.I want his family to know not because of revenge but clearly that his parents know as well that they have another daughter in law.co -wife to know I exist.im not a mistress. I am a legal wife to my husband in a country where I was born.

    When I married my husband I did not know he was married. When I found out I was to involved  emotionally.I as a non Muslim at the time accepted the situation.My husband forbids me to contact his family as he says they will never accept me as a 2nd wife to him. YET they grew up in an Islamic state but refuse to accept polygamy.

    So I asked my husband your wife in Pakistan would rather have u sleep with women but not get married. His answer was YES.

    HELLOOO I know ANA u said these women grew up in this type of society so they have no say.i have heard my husband Pakistani wife scream at him.i personally think not all the women in Pakistan are as pious as we think. I have seen a lot of the Pakistani women in south Africa with there husbands they take no bullshit(sorry for my language)

    I have learned my lesson I am still married as I explained mission “get out” is in action already.

    My mission educate educate educate and make women of all ages aware of those narcissistic  Pakistanis.yes I am pointing the at finger at them as I am married to one so I know how they are.

    I know plenty of women who are sitting with children from these men and they don’t give a damn abt the kids.

    I hope in the case of those innocent children ALLAH deal with those man harshly.

    I sound hatefully.Forgive me but u mess with the women and Allah will deal with u but when u mess with the kids ALLAH will punish u  hundred times over.

     

  • Jasmina

    May 31, 2016

    Congratulations on the book Ana how amazing. I did read your original blog and it was so intriguing so I can’t wait to read the book!

  • Gail

    May 31, 2016

    Farah,

     I read your post and my heart goes out to you.I don’t know if it will help u any to know but I am an American white woman married to a Pakistani man from Rawalpindi.My husbands 1st wife was his cousin and they had two children together.My story is long and complicated but I do want to start out saying No man is worth u killing yourself over.

      Tell me something how is your cowife?Does she speak with u? Want a relationship with u? How long has your husband and your cowife been married? 

      I know it is sooo hard on you mentally because Pakistani people tend to blame the first wife like she was not doing her wife duties good enough and lost her man basically.(it’s crazy nonsense).I am also curious do u live with your inlaws? I am here for u if u should want to talk about your life.I have lived in Pakistan off and on for the last 13 years and am raising my own excowife 2 children plus my own child with my husband.

      One last thing Your husband didn’t give u your joy in this life Allah/G.D has so don’t let your husband steal your joy.As women and men also but esp with women we tend to feed off our husbands emotions be it positive or negative towards us.As hard as it is for u try to see the bigger long term picture.The best advice I can give u is to not stress out and stay calm and focused as hard as that may be and know that u are not alone.So many women are struggling with polygamy issues and believe me when I say it is NOT the end of the world.

       Write back let me know more about u and your situation it really helps write out your feelings.Hugs…

     

     

     

     

  • Tasliyman

    May 31, 2016

    Wow Ana

    Congratulations!!!

    I wasn’t here with the previous blog.  I cant believe that some people would be so devious to sit and figure out your true identity and then publish it.  Crazy is one of the less rude words that comes to mind.  I suppose if your own life is so boring you will go look for some excitement in other people’s lives.

    Anyway, Allah always knows best.  Best of luck for the exciting times ahead.

     

     

     

  • Gail

    May 31, 2016

    Ana,

     I have missed u to more than u know I will get here more often.I watched that movie the birds when I was a teenager scared me! lol Happy Belated Anniversary!

  • Gail

    May 31, 2016

    Mari2,

     I read your post and laughed so hard about u and your drama!

     That was so funny about his cousin and paying 10,000 for the marriage and not getting a good deal! lol 

     I have also learned a valuable lesson and that is let the Pakistani Drama stay with the hubby and his family.I have made a choice with the help of anxiety medication to just not go there and boy it has made a all the difference for me.Also I now flat tell my husband when he starts his craziness that I am unplugging from him until he chills out.Totally has worked wonders for me.This last episode I unplugged from him (emotionally and mentally) for a month.He is ok now but man he is so freaking emotional at times and I just don’t have any desire to plug into his craziness.Happy u didn’t pay him any mind.It’s strange though because my husband would never tell me not to take something back or not to buy something.He is perfect in that area.I just wish he wasn’t so emotional when it comes to other things.Don’t get me wrong though he is a bossy Butt though! lol

     

     

  • anabellah

    May 31, 2016

    Gail,

    I missed you so very much. I knew you’ve been very busy. As I mentioned before, just get here when you can. It reminds me of a song by somebody or another. “Just Get Here When You Can.” It’s a beautiful song. I’ve been mentioning you on the blog.

    Insha Allah, June 20th will be a wonderful day for you and me to celebrate. My hubz and celebrated our 14th anniversary on May 24th. we didn’t go away this year cuz I’ve been so buzy with the book.We plan to vacation in December, probably go some place tropical.

    I better run for now and finish watching the Alfred Hitchcock movie, “The Birds.”

  • Gail

    May 31, 2016

    Ana,

     Oh yeah June 20th is my wedding anniversary! Nice release date on the book!!!

     

     

  • Gail

    May 31, 2016

    Ana,

      Congrats on your book I think that is so awesome that u did that what an amazing thing! I am sorry I have not been on so much but man on man my life has been so crazy the last few months.I am working like crazy and have a dozen projects going but the biggest surprise is I became a grandmother.My oldest son who is 21 is now a dad.They have moved back home with the baby and I have been a busy granny.My youngest teases me and says “So mom how do u like being a granny”I am like REALLY! Baby Olivia is 4 months and she is just the most precious thing so I guess I am getting use to it.lol My middle son is studying for his driving test and hopefully he will be ready to to take the test this week.I can’t believe he is going to be on the roads driving! I am going to try to do better about checking in.I miss u guys and think of u often.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    May 31, 2016

    Arzoo,

    Thank you much!!! Although my identity will be known as a writer, I still won’t talk about my personal life much on the blog. I do need to protect my family and myself. The last thing I need is people who know my family and me coming here and learning that I had sex last night with my husband or other such details of our lives. I’m not that brazen  I’m not that bold and stupid to put my business out there like that whilst I’m known. I did when I was blogging anonymously. Being known is a whole different ballgame.  It’s one of the reasons that I took info off the former version of the blog. The book is written as a fiction, although based on a real story.  I didn’t write it as my story or a memoir.

    I’m sorry I had to delete the name of the sister’s blog. Advertising for other blogs isn’t allowed.  I’m sure others will find her easily if they care to look.

    Anyhow, thanks again. Insha Allah, I’ll get you a free copy as soon as the book is out and I figure out the best way to do get it to those who have supported the blog by writing. I still have so much to do. I’m super busy with it day and night. Sigh. Insha Allah, I’m going to take a bit a of a break for a little while.

  • Arzoo

    May 30, 2016

    wow! congratulations Ana! its so exciting that you decided to make your story public. I follow another blog the blog owner revealed her identity long time ago. I was worried about her but she got great response. I love checking her updates and really appreciate her for her honesty and sharing her life with so many people. It makes a huge difference when people can see and know you are real person with a real experience on the issue. They develop a whole different level of respect for you. Congrats again for your book!

  • anabellah

    May 30, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & hello to all you wonderful people out there in cyberspace

    I wrote a new post/theme that I just published  https://www.polygamy411.com/robin-ana-polygamy/  . I did not open it for comments because I will write a follow-up post/thread to it soon, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    May 30, 2016

    Mari2,

    Good for you that you stood your groundhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif It’s what the wives must do to let the husbands know that they can’t walk all over them when they (the wives) are in the right.

    You are correct. It was your money and what you wanted to buy with it. Allah entrusted the money to you. You didn’t squander it. Why must you deprive yourself of nice things?

    Why should you scrimp and save so that he’d have more money for his other wife and his family when those people apparently aren’t even trying to serve Allah?  “Don’t throw pearls at swine.” I finally got the true understanding of what that saying means.

    I like the part in which you said to yourself that his other isn’t really beautiful and he needs to take her back LOL

  • anabellah

    May 30, 2016

    Jasmina,

    It’s a problem that I see with the men engaging in polygamy today. Although polygamy is lawful, many of the men still treat it as something that’s a secret and wrong. Of course one must exercise caution in living polygamy, but when it comes to the wives, their families and the husband’s family knowing about it, there shouldn’t be all the secrecy surrounding it, along with the lies.

    You are your husband’s lawful wife. What sense does it make for him to duck and hide when out with you? It sounds that the other wife wants to be seen as the only wife. She’s not facing reality. He is a polygamist.

    It’s all living a lie. These men are quick to engage in polygamy, but won’t man-up. They are cowards. Most of them are Muslims married to Muslim women and they live polygamy as a lie.

  • Mari2

    May 30, 2016

    I think the entire revelation of NMP was not so much an epiphany but a slow realization that I was putting my time, energy, emotions and focus in situations where I really wasn’t needed.  Culture and family belong to M. not me.  His family dramas etc. never begged for my attention.   And the more I tried to “help” M, the more we argued.  For whatever reason,  Allah brought M and me together.   Not M, his mom, his sisters, number 2, et al.  Just M and me.  And I slowly backed off involvement with his family,  we argued less.  Now that NMP is fully employed into action, we’re getting along fabulously.   And while I get the inkling that he would like my help sometimes,  I stand back and let M figure things out.  I think he realizes that he cannot guilt me into taking on the burdens his culture set forth for him.  But sometimes he can still be an annoyance as to how I spend my money. 

    This weekend I chose to splurge on some new patio cushions for my outdoor furniture whose current cushions are so very sad and worn.  I spent more than I should have, but my son and I had a good time picking out cushions that made us feel like summer was here.  While I know the price increases for seasonal items while in season,  I waited 2 years to indulge.  It was a pleasure purchase for sure, but I had saved up my money.   

    I told M that I made the purchase.   He kept nagging me about “how much” though it’s my own money.   I gave him a ballpark figure and he got all mad, telling me to return the cushions.   Um..my money.   My choice. 

    The very next day he came over and walked out on the deck, looked at the cushions and said:  All the money you spent.  It’s not even beautiful.   Take it back to the store.

    And here is the lesson on NMP:  NMP said:  it’s mine.   I like it.  The colors remind me of summer.  If you’re offended by the colors,  you need not sit.  Come in.  I’ll make you chai.

    I was briefly hurt by M’s assholiness, and Shaitan and his sister PissedoffMama had me really close to saying:  you spent 10 thousand dollars to marry your cousin.  She’s not even beautiful!  Take her back to the store! 

    Mashallah the angels sat on my tongue, and whispered NMP!

     

  • anabellah

    May 30, 2016

    Farah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I understand how you feel. I really know what you are going through. Please don’t think that I don’t understand or know. It’s good that you are in touch with your feelings and know it’s wrong. It’s a step in the right direction. Recognizing, acknowledging and admitting is huge.

    I wonder how she’d like it if the tables were turned. It’s what many wives don’t look at. I’d love to see her response if you were out buying her what you wanted her to have. I’d suggest that in the future you ask your husband to give you money so that you could go buy yourself and your children what you like and want.

    I don’t blame you for taking a break and letting him work. You’re not his work horse.

  • Jasmina

    May 30, 2016

    That was powerful Ana. Very meaningful. Yeah I need to take an strong look in the mirror. It just hit me that it’s been a number of years now with the same BS and little progress. This past week he finally made an effort and so I want to see if he continues with it or it was a once off. I really can’t take anymore of this. I know him and have always known him to be a narcissist and in the past 2 years I stopped reacting to his emotional/verbal abuse as much as I can and it has reduced down, this is the first time in many months since he gets angry as now he just goes for a walk and controls himself where as before it was every two days I think I used to post about it.  He is very insecure and he hides behind this tough persona.  It’s so tough. I picked him up from work and He took me out for dinner for the first time and went masjid and sightseeing and it was amazing but it was in town which is completely not his scene and far from home, yet he was so relaxed. I loved it as I enjoy eating out and the city lights. However we went home and he had to pull over near our home and I could tell he tried not to be seen with me. I didn’t say anything but I realised what is going on and it worries me. I’m no secret BTW so it’s odd as at first things were fine but now it’s come to this which explains why he hardly ever takes me out anymore and why he acts so strange. I know he wants me to continue picking him up from work and hanging out near there, I think this is the solution he has come up with. 

    You are right im not his dad and I should stop demanding he reports to me lol. I’m very paranoid and rightfully so but I m trying to chill. It’s so complex and such a disaster.  I need to look at these major issues and get them sorted soon but if there’s no sorting I need to move on. I feel like I will age quickly if things continue to be so bad.

  • Farah

    May 30, 2016

    Salaams All

    Thank you for your advise.

    I just feel very sad that his second wife went to the markets and she get to choose my Eid outfit for me and the kids.

    I feel hurt and I know it’s jealousy but it’s wrong.

    He never shows me anything what he buys for her.

    I think I will want to give us a break and let him work and I start backing off.

     

     

  • Moipone

    May 30, 2016

    Hi Gina 

    I agree with Anabellah on cutting the money supply be strict when it comes to money and don’t let him threaten you in anyway or play mind games for you to give him. Say No with a straight face

  • anabellah

    May 30, 2016

    I think the best thing to do besides letting them know you are his wife is to cut him off (financially). Stop letting him play big daddy on your dime. Hit him where it hurts – his pockets.

  • anabellah

    May 30, 2016

    what do you intend to accomplish by telling them it? I could see you letting them know you are his wife. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. You don’t have to hide your marriage.

    To tell them that you’ve been helping him support them may only serve to cause them to laugh at you, view you ss a fool and think to themselves- keep on making that money
    for us all baby. They don’t care where the money come from. They just want it.

  • Gina

    May 30, 2016

     

    I Can anyone advice me

    HHusbands kids are over 21.have been advised to write an email to his family explaining  have been married to this man n how I support ed him n them . mentioning gifts that was taken to them .explaining im not taking his money im actually m aking the money. 

  • anabellah

    May 30, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Yes, you’re correct. Every marriage has issues. It’s part of marriage, as you said. All couples have their differences. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was no exception. He had some problems with his wives, which are referenced in the Holy Quran. Differences will exist because two people, male and female who are different and separate entities come together and try to live life as one. Everyone has their own desires. When two people are trying to get their desires fulfilled there is conflict sometimes.

    Having differences and being abused are two different animals. Problems exists such as you think your husband lies about where he’s going and with whom he’s with. He very well may be lying, but you’re not his keeper. You’re not his dad. Don’t ask him where he’s going and what he’ll be doing or is doing and you won’t get lied too hopefully. Some people volunteer lies without having been asked anything. It’s the one I don’t understand for the life of me. You don’t trust him, which you shouldn’t. Allah tells us that those who trust should put their trust in Him. Allah is the only one who can be trusted. You’re jealous sometimes; it’s an issue. You want children and he doesn’t; it’s a major issue.

    For him to call you names such as a “donkey” is abuse. For him not to have sex with you because he wants to make sure you don’t get pregnant is abuse. For him to come home angry and take it out, not only on you but on your innocent child who didn’t do a darn thing to his dad, is abuse. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. Islam doesn’t require that anyone stay in an abusive marriage. Not only that, I don’t think anyone has to stay in a marriage that he or she doesn’t want to be in.

    It makes no sense that your husband doesn’t want you to read the Quran to your son because he says you don’t read it right. He should be happy you read the Quran and read it to your son. It probably goes deeper than it. He doesn’t want you to read the Quran period because the more you read it the more you should see how wrong your husband is. He may fear it will make you strong enough to leave him. He may very well fear the good outcome for you that you may derive from reading the Quran. He probably wants you to be in darkness. The Quran brings one out of the darkness and into the light.

    I think people misread me. A wife may be in a marriage that has minor issues, but nothing monumental that she feels a need to divorce her husband. Then her husband becomes polygamous and she doesn’t like it because she wants her husband all to herself and doesn’t want to share. She love her husband and has no doubt that he loves her. She wants a divorce because she doesn’t want to live polygamy. Surely she could get a divorce, if it pleases Allah.

    On the other hand, there is a woman with the same set of circumstances. She knows she has no valid reason to leave her husband other than she doesn’t like polygamy. She may be on the straight path and cares about serving Allah and entering Jannah. She knows Allah permits polygamy for men. She knows that if her husband expresses a desire to live a polygamous life, it’s a privilege that he has. Allah gave it to him and she doesn’t want to interfere. Allah says don’t make unlawful what He has made lawful. If the husband becomes polygamous, she knows Allah decreed it. She wants to accept polygamy because it’s a part of Islam and she wants to accept the entire Book – the Holy Quran. She wants to accept Allah’s decree. So, this particular woman stays in the marriage, works through her issues, probably gets her heart purified of based emotions and she finds joy, peace and contentment in life eventually. She was tried and tested. She prevailed. She exercised patience persevered and prayed. Allah rewards her for the good that she has done.

    I think you probably fall into the second category of wanting to do the right thing in reference to our Islam. The thing is you have a husband who doesn’t seem to care about worshiping and serving Allah. He cares about serving his desires. He cares about worshiping his other wife and her family. He cares about what he wants. All the rest doesn’t matter. This seems to be his Paradise on this planet. He seem to care very little about you too. Anytime a husband tells his wife more than once that she can get to stepping, leave if she wants to, she needs to take notice and not take what he said lightly.

    It seems to me that, and I said it before, he wouldn’t mind if you leave so that he can live in peace with his other woman and her family. He’s not strong enough to do it, or I should say can’t do it and he wants you to. He’s very unhappy, the same as you are. If he was content with his life, he’d come home to you and would be loving and kind. He’d want to be with you and would show you love. Allah gave us mates so that we will live together in peace and tranquility. A husband and a wife are supposed to be each others garments. The parties have to be on the same page to have it or problems will always arise.

    A man and a woman can come to a amicable agreement between them and stay married to avoid a divorce. The key is there is a friendly agreement. It’s not about living together in a hellish marriage.

    What are you trying to do – exercise patience and be tolerant in hope that one day your husband may change and in the meantime you let him abuse you? Islam doesn’t ask you to do that.

    No one can tell you what to do with your life. Analyze your life. Ask Allah to guide you…

  • anabellah

    May 29, 2016

    Gina, As salaamu Alaikum

    What many of those men are doing to women is terrible. It’s so sad. I’m sorry to hear about how your husband treated you with reference to the business. He will definitely account to Allah for all the wrong that he’s done. Be grateful that Allah showed you the light and you don’t work to take care of him and his family anymore. Mari2 is beginning to see it, as well. About your co being the favorite wife, it probably has all to do with his wife having been chosen for him by his family and I assume he’s married to a blood relative. It’s all about nationalism. Definitely Islam isn’t a part of the way they live.

  • Gina

    May 29, 2016

    Farah

    Please rremember one thing .u are beautiful n intelligent women  and dont ever forget that.Dont kill yourself over someone that dont care about you. U need to build yourslf up spiritually and financially. I know its not easy when u love someone. 

    U need to surround yourself with loving family n friends who will be your support system.if u need to talk abt it talk if u need to cry abt it cry but do it with ppl that care and love u.

    Your husband will do that type of things with his pakistani wife a he needs to show his family, friends and his pakistani society how successful he is .They will spend there last dime to proof they so successful yt they not

    Farah please look after yourself

  • anabellah

    May 29, 2016

    farah,

    We’ve spoken with you about you getting your finances in order. Insha Allah, you will do that, if you haven’t done it already. You may need to sit down with a financial adviser or attorney who specializes in business contracts/contract laws and figure out what the best way to proceed with you and your husband’s business is, now that your husband has another wife.

    I don’t think you are wrong in not wanting to work to support your husband and his other wife. I believe that if all the parties are believers with singleness of purpose (wanting to serve Allah and make life about Allah) then sharing and spending on one another is good. Living as a family (but not under the same roof with a co) is good.  If it’s not like that, then it’s a different story. A wife should make her intent to safeguard her assets.

    You have to be proactive and not let your husband dictate to you how things will be with the business and you. Maybe you and your husband will need to hire someone else to help run the business, so you can take some time to travel and enjoy life with your husband, as well.

    What do you see as somethings you can do to make it more fair and just. You need to come up with some ideas and input too other than just complaining about things. If you’re not part of the solution then you’re part of the problem.

    With regard to your husband telling you that he and his woman will shop for you and your kids, it makes no sense that he’d tell you that. I’m not questioning that he did. I totally believe you. He’s just foolish to tell you.

    I’m assuming he thinks you’ll see his other as a good person for doing it. Men, or I should say many men, are naive. He may not be able to see that his other wife is probably rubbing the sh!t in your face. I wouldn’t want any co picking out diddley friggin squat for me unless she and I were friends.

    I don’t know if there would be much of a difference if he told you before hand that he would be bringing stuff home for you and the kids or he just showed up with the stuff. It would probably have the same effect.

    When I say I wouldn’t want anything from a co, I’m not being conscious of Allah. I lost focus for the moment https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif It’s so easy to do. I do it. It only takes a minute to lose focus. It’s a battle (a personal Jihad) to stay focus. It warring with oneself.

    The thing to remember is that everything comes from Allah. Be grateful for the things He gives you regardless of how they come to you or who brings them unless it was derived from some illegal, ill gotten means or sought.

    Allah says when we are grateful, He will give us more. When we are ungrateful, we get his punishment.

     

  • Gina

    May 29, 2016

    Salaam

    Farah

    I can understand what u going thru . Please I hope when u working n looking afte his business u are putting money away for yourself.Please dont think I’m being devious.i too invested n actually put everything into our business .After 8 years  my husband kicked me out of the business n told me to find a job.I too found out I funded a house , cars, education n holidays for his wife n kids. And guess what?

    I would not have mind even after he lied to me almost abt everything but my husband do not treat both wives equally n that had made me kick into survival mode.he loves her more so what it hurt me for years trying to prove im a better wife .Its not going to change and unfortunately they will only learn n answer for there wrong doings when they meet there maker

    Ana

    Its to my own opnion that most pakistani men are not true muslims.They drink and gamble. I never seen my husband or his friends read the Quran.iv been handed a Quran by a drunk pakistani man who was trying to educate me on Islam.SO SAD.

    Its not the religion again its there culture. 

  • anabellah

    May 29, 2016

    farah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    What you described about not being able to eat or sleep and you think about your husband enjoying sex, spending money and having fun with the other wife is something that many of the wives go through and have spoken of here on this blog. So you’re not unusual in any sense of the word.

    Truth is what exists. You don’t know for a fact that anything that is playing out in your head is real. You can’t know unless you’re there witnessing it or you’re a part of it. I’ve mentioned previously on the blog that it’s Satan’s whispers that one entertains. As long as you listen to the voice in your head, you will be miserable. The voice is there to make you miserable. Satan has a job to do. He does it by whispering. He has no other power than to whisper.

    Truth is what exists. You don’t know what your husband and his other wife are doing and how happy they are, if you’re not with them and are a part of it. What exists is real. Anything else is an illusion. They could be arguing each and everyday and not have sex frequently – who knows?

    Is there anything wrong with the two of them enjoying sex, shopping, having fun, if it is happening? UNLESS, for instance, they’re participating in group sex, orgies, threesomes, shopping as in shoplifting or having drunken parties and drugging it up, I suppose they’re okay.

    I understand you are jealous. Jealousy is probably the number one emotion that destroys a wife along with envy.

    The only way to get oneself right and alleviate the pain associated with jealousy is to really and truly understand and believe that Allah controls everything. Everything that any of us have, Allah has given it to us.

    When your co goes to those countries with the husband, goes shopping or whatever she does, Allah wrote the script. Allah decreed it. We have to learn to accept what Allah decrees and not have a problem with it. The only way to do it is to see Allah as the Doer of all things and not see the husband as the doer. Whatever the husband does that is wrong, he will account to Allah for it. When your face is towards your husband your back is to Allah. You can’t see Allah when your back is to Him.

    The problem is everyone is interested in satisfying their own desires. They want what they want, how they want it and when they want it. I keep saying everyone has made themselves into mini gods.

    I don’t know why Allah has written what he has written for everyone. Only Allah knows why. Some people seem to have it all good, but remember Allah gives some people respite. He may then put the smack down on them and they not know what hit them. Whatever someone is going through – maybe it’s a blessing and maybe it’s a curse, only Allah knows.

    The only way you will stop suffering as you are is if you make life about Allah. Okay, you may be praying now, but were you praying five times a day before your life changed drastically and you found yourself living in utter chaos? Don’t answer that question on the blog. Answer to yourself.

    It’s easy for someone to turn to Allah when the person’s life is in shambles and their whole world is falling a part. We have to all serve Allah the way that He tells us to each and every day that we are on this planet.

    Allah tests the believers. Tests aren’t easy. If they were easy they wouldn’t be tests. You’re going to have to ride the waves. There is no easy way out.

    Ending your life will take you to the Hell Fire. If you think you’ve got problems now, end your life and see how devastating problems can be with no end in sight.

  • anabellah

    May 29, 2016

    Moipone,

    Hi there. Thank you for writing to farah. I’m happy you’re still here with us. :-) I like your post. Some men are real jerks. Ditto that one!

  • Moipone

    May 29, 2016

    Hello ladies 

    I am really angry very very angry that these men are getting away with hurting women, there is so much pain and hurt. Is it really fair to us. 

    Farah you are right to fell every bit of anger yes Allah/God has a plan but sometimes does it have to pour before we see the rainbow. 

    I have decided to stay single I will not let another human being make me feel less human than them because of their selfishness. 

    Marriage is not bad, Men we marry are bad really bad. I made a bad choice marrying the man I married and the thought of finding a second husband scares the hell out of me. I choose to remain single and raise my daughter. 

    Men are really jerks oh let me say some men. 

  • Jasmina

    May 29, 2016

    Ana do you think my marriage is that bad. I keep telling myself that every couple has issues and that it’s a part of marriage. Sometimes I wonder if it’s truly too much. I feel so tired of going the extra mile and getting nowhere but tears. Things were great this week by they ended so badly and I only wonder how long it will take to get back to how we were at the start of the week. He told me I nag too much and it annoys him so I have stopped verbalising my needs and it seems to help, this week. But today I couldn’t help myself as I got upset that maybe he had lied to me.

  • Jasmina

    May 29, 2016

    Gina

    its smart of you to want to get out. Every woman deserves to be treated with kindness and respect even if there is no love. I already have a child with my husband. The thing is he wanted more kids with me and then one day said that he was going to be honest and told me he didn’t want anymore children with me for many different sad excuses and if I wanted out he would understand and that I could take our son and get remarried. I of course didn’t leave, I mean come on who does that but recently he found out that whilst we were divorced I was engaged to someone else and now says that if I leave him I could never take our son and that I’m a bad person for not being loyal to him whilst we were divorced. Anyhow I talked to this other brother only few times and agreed to marry but it didn’t work out Alhamdulillah but my husband is jealous. Ok I guess my point is I don’t get men, they are so confusing and I feel they don’t know what they want. Just heartless. When we married he was planning another 2-3 kids and he wanted to try immediately but I wanted to wait a year and when a year came that’s when he dropped the bombshell on me. It breaks my heart because my son is so lonely and my desire to have more children is very strong more so now that I’m getting older. Hes sabotaged my life. Alhamdulillah

  • Jasmina

    May 29, 2016

    Yes Ana I know you are right, it’s just so hard to cope with.  InshaAllah I can be patient.  My husband in a dispute randomly blurted he didn’t want to loose his kids, I don’t know but yes I think he has been threatened.  I did tell him to get protection but he won’t. I questioned him about going to the other place all day and he came home angry at me and our son and called me a donkey and stupid and didn’t let me recite Quran to my son because he said it’s embarrassing because I can’t do it right. A real boor.  He is angry because he took me out finally and also spent most of the day and night here yesterday and now how dare I question him and assume he is going to the other wife when he told me he was going with a friend. I feel bad about it and know I should have trusted him but how could I if the other messages and called me like crazy demanding to know where he is whilst he is rushing out the door saying he is late. I can only assume he is going there on my day and I told him. I should just kept my mouth shut. A great weekend is completely ruined like always. Im so unhappy. Alhamdulillah. I have been dealing with it well but when he puts me down it gets the better of me.

  • farah

    May 29, 2016

    Salaam All

     

    I’m having a big breakdown please someone guide me

     

    My husband is gone to lahore with his second wife for Eid shopping and I’m dying here back home.

    He says they will do shopping for me and the kids.How can a man be so insensitive and shop for his 1st wife while the second wife is fine with it.

    I’m having feelings of why does he want her to choose why is she so the big lucky wife.

    I stay back to work and run his business while these 2 enjoy holidays and that to 5 star deluxe.

    My husband travels every month to new countries and she goes with him.Im feeling very hurt I don’t know why I can’t control my jealousy. 

     

    I’m really trying but I’m so irritated I’m just thinking of how to end my life.

    I mentally and emotionally can’t handle anything anymore.

    They are killing me.All I think about is them enjoying sex and all the money and having fun.

    Then why keep me just for work?

    I pray and cry all night …I can’t eat ..I can’t sleep.

    Someone please tell me if I’m wrong to feel this way.

    This pakistani woman has finished my happy home and this man.

    Please help me

     

  • anabellah

    May 29, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Insha Allah, you’ll rethink your position about trying to make a go of it with your husband. It’s bad enough that he is refusing to have anymore children with you when he just recently had a second with his other. It is getting worse that he is withholding sex from you. Instead of things getting better no matter how slow the progression is, it seems you’re moving backwards, just as you had said in another post. I think you said it seems you take one step forward and a couple steps back or something to that affect.

    Keep turning to Allah for help and guidance. You’ve got to want to get up out of that relationship before you see a change in your life for the better. It’s what I think. Your heart is standing in the way…

  • anabellah

    May 29, 2016

    Gina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Wow, your situation does sound a lot like Jasmina’s. I didn’t know you’re married to a Pakistani guy. It’s so sad what many of them are doing. It’s really giving the men in that country a bad name. Although everyone is not a like, people do judge. It’s so sad because there is no reason for it. Even if the men wanted to leave Pakistan for a better life and marries a foreigner to help do it, there is no reason they can’t make their intent to live polygamy and love all their wives and children and be a beautiful family. Polygamy is lawful. There is no excuse for what they do. Nonetheless, we’re right back to square one – they don’t live Islam. They live a life of culture that they created for themselves. It’s what rules them. Sooooo sad.

    I like the way you’re thinking about making your intend and mission to get yourself stronger so you could leave him. You shouldn’t allow yourself to be subject to his abuse any longer. Continue to keep the faith and know that Allah knows, sees and hears all things. Your husband isn’t getting away with anything. Allah will deal with him for the wrong he’s doing and has done. I doubt he sees any wrong in his action. Satan has made his evil deeds fair seeming to him. You’re going to be alright, sis https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Gina

    May 29, 2016

    Salaam Jasmina

    I too am going thru the same thing with my husband. In my situation my husband after few months of marriage knew I was on the pill n then one  month  I skipped the pill due to work pressure n stress n then thought I was pregnant. When I told my husband i was not ready for his reaction.He told me we not ready n gave me a 100 excuses as to why i should have an abortion.i told him i could not to such a thing.Anyway  i was not pregnant.After a year i did fall prgnant i didnt know and only found out when I was rushed to hosptalwth severe cramps.did take home test that was negative. I had a miscarriage while he was enjoying Eid in Pakistan. 

    When he got bk he said it was Allah’s will not for me to have a baby as im an infidel. 

    I really founa the truth was because he had kids already I was not allowed to have my own with him.his family forbid it.i was told never to fall pregnant.my husband took my rights as a womn away.i hate him for that n I leave him in Allah’s hands.

    That is why my mision is to make my self stronger n more financially independent n leave.

    Its very difficult but I will not allow my self to be abused anymore in that way.

    Jasmine my dear its not going to change n if u fall pregnant he will hate u for that n u will never forgive youself.i also suggest u speak to other women thats been thru this

    Its your right as a women n if someone takes that away from u thats a sin

  • anabellah

    May 28, 2016

    Number4,

    As Salaamu Alaikum, Insha Allah, you’re well.

    I suppose we’re all gearing up for a Happy and Prosperous Ramadan, Insha Allah. I’m excited about it, especially about getting up so early Very sleepy smiley and eating so late. Imagine the mega barakats (blessings) to be had. Allah says in the Holy Quran that we would fast if we only knew. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • anabellah

    May 28, 2016

    Jasmina,

    What you described isn’t uncommon based on my knowledge of what happens when some wives want so desperately to have children, but can’t. The husbands sometimes shut down. I’ve heard of it happening in real life and seen it in movies on television. Fiction is based on real life. I’m not talkin Sci-Fi https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif

    The husband gets turned off because the wife want to have a child so much to the point that it takes the pleasure out of the sex act for him. He knows when the wife just want to have coitus so she can conceive. Do you have the ovulating chart on the night stand?

    He doesn’t find joy in the act anymore. He begins to feel or think that he is a sex object doing a chore or duty.  I don’t think he’s so fearful of you getting pregnant to the point that he doesn’t want to have sex with you.

    I could be wrong. The only other thing would be that he is so fearful of his other wife and her family and has promised her no more children for you and she threatened to leave him or something if you find yourself with child. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    So, what do you do now? You said you think you married the wrong guy. Well go get the right one then…

    I believe Allah decide our mates for us and He puts us with a person for His reasons. I believe a person can’t get up out of a relationship or anything else for that matter unless Allah decrees it. It’s why there are so many unhappy people in relationships that they remain in and they don’t know why.

    It’s my 2 cents on the situation. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

  • Number4

    May 28, 2016

    Mari 2 you are not wrong,  stick to your decision.  M knows you are self reliant this is why he wants to burden you,  none of it I s your problem you are correct.

    Next when all else fails he’ll turn to burden your daughter. 

  • anabellah

    May 28, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and hello all you wonderful people in cyberspace :-)

    Good news! I’m almost finish with the surprise project that I mentioned to you all that I’ve been diligently working on since the beginning of the year. I should be able to share it with everyone next week.

    I love you blog family :-)

    Jasmina,

    I’ll try to comment a bit later when I get home and not on this cell phone typing.

  • Jasmina

    May 28, 2016

    Thanks everyone.  

    Im feeling so numb as my desire to have a child is so strong but my husband is set on no more that he doesn’t even sleep with me anymore. I told him I wouldn’t accidentally do it but I don’t think he trusts me. He has made everything in my life so damn hard. I love him but sometimes I wish I never married him and rather married someone else. I hate love, it makes you do stupid things, like marry the wrong person!! 

    Ok just needed to share and get it out of my system and it’s causing me a lot of grief. Alhamdulillah 

  • anabellah

    May 27, 2016

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Jummah Mubarak to you too, dear sister https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    Gina,

    I, too, like Mari2’s saying “NMP” . I love it :-)

  • anabellah

    May 27, 2016

    Gina,

    I totally get what you’re saying and I agree. I know firsthand how difficult it is to educate people about the difference between culture and Islam. I was one of the ignorant ones for A VERY LONG TIME. I learned the difference here on this blog. One commentator, Jenny used to talk about it a lot and Gail did as well. They kept saying, Ana we’re not talking about Islam. We’re talking culture. It just didn’t sink into my head.  Jenny said most of the Pakistani’s don’t read Quran, they don’t even own a Quran. Eventually, I finally got it and it became crystal clear.

    The problem was I am a revert. I converted not to get a husband or for any other reason than I was searching for the Truth. I knew there was more to life than I was living and I knew life had a purpose and a meaning. I set out to find it. Allah placed me in the position to receive it. Islam is my life. I thought all Muslims had the thirst for knowledge of Islam and the enthusiasm to live Islam the same as I did.  Little did I know most don’t.

    Little did I know that there are people who say they are Muslim just like there are people who say they are Christian and Jew, but they don’t live their religion. There may be a thing or two that they follow every once and a while and that’s it. It’s very, very sad.

    So, if it was way hard for me, an educated Muslim to understand the difference, I’m sure any other person who is not Muslim would have a difficult time with it, understandably so.

    I really think a major problem with it – besides that very few people read and understand the Quran – is that after the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) left this planet, Muslims went back to living like they did in the time of Jahiliyah (times of ignorance) – pre-Islamic times, before the Holy Quran was reveal when women were treated as chattel.

    When the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was living, the Muslims followed him. Well, when the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) left the earth, he left the Holy Quran as a Mercy, a Guide and a Warning for us. It was the message that he received, taught and lived and it is the message that we are suppose to learn and live. But, no one reads the Quran to learn and to live it.

    On top of that, most Muslims dismiss all the other Prophets that Allah speaks of in the Holy Quran (once again, one reason is because they don’t read the Quran or read it and Allah hasn’t given them understanding because they try to find something crooked in it). Allah tells us in the Holy Quran that all of His Prophets are our examples and He, Allah who is God, says in the Holy Quran, not to differentiate between any of His Prophets. He says, commemorate the stories of His Prophets.

    I think the Arabs had a  lot to do with getting the people to dismiss the Quran and all the other Prophets mentioned in it because they wanted Islam to be only about an Arab Prophet and nothing and no one else. They don’t want anyone to follow the Quran so they invented books for men to follow that serve their desires. They dismiss that Allah has given us the Book that He wanted us to have and to follow and that has the message in it that all the Prophets received. The unadulterated Book that He revealed and He Himself protected and no one can tamper with it.

    In going back to Jahiliyah, disobeying Allah and not listening to what he says in the Holy Quran, the masses of Muslims today appear to be cursed the same as any other person on the earth who doesn’t obey Allah.

    Allah promises so much good for the Believer in this world and in the Hereafter. So, why are the Muslims being slaughtered, killing one another, starving and blowing themselves up etc? Are Muslim watching the world news to see what is happening with Muslims? One only need to look at the state of affairs of Muslims today to see why Muslims’ plight is as it is.

    Muslim men are abusing, using and mistreating women and it’s very bad. They are the ones who are supposed to be protecting and maintaining the women, but they are doing the total opposite.

    People are hating on Muslims and it’s understandable. They see the major problems of the world today are perpetrated by Muslims. Muslims are labeled terrorist due to their backward, ignorant, ill beliefs. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

  • Gina

    May 27, 2016

    Hi

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.giflol NMP love it to bits

    hubby just told me he wants to go pakistani for Eid n needs money could i possible lend from my family will give bk .i told him i did ask(white lie i didnt).my  family  loving told me it “NMP”.Thanks for the advicehttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • ummof4

    May 27, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Jum’uah Mubarak!(Blessed Jum’uah).

    Mari 2, I love your NMP.  Keep up the good work.  Your husband wants to live in the US and bring all his relatives and it’s NYP (Not Your Problem).  We know what you have done over the years only to be used by him and his relatives.  May Allah help you all.  Stay strong with NMP.

    Jasmina, hang in there sister, and concentrate on your relationship with Allah as others have said. You can adopt                 Mari 2’s philosophy of NMP.

     

  • Gina

    May 27, 2016

    hi

    As we continue being educated on this blog.We must remember to the majority of the western world they don’t look at it as the pakistani culture they look down on Islam.They feel these man grew up in an Islamic state. 

    PPlease im not saying its Islam it the culture I understand that nw after being educated on the subject. Its a long road ahead for ppl to understand that . Between the terrorists n the way they treat women its difficult for ppl from all over the wrld to understand the difference. 

    I try to educate ppl on the difference but unfortunately ppl still come bk to say they keep the women quiet so they run around n do what they want.

  • anabellah

    May 26, 2016

    Mari2,

    I hear you. Why should you make their problems yours. Allah tells us to investigate. He tells us who to let into our intimacy. You know the Pakistani culture. He married his cousin, listens to his mother as though she is God and does all the things that we’ve been learning on the blog about how they roll. You knowing that you are a secret second wife and how your husband and his family live life, you’d be foolish to put yourself out like that and help them financially, giving your all and all. I wouldn’t do it. Allah tells us who charity is for and who to spend on. He tells us what to do to that will get us barakats (blessings). He didn’t tell us to be someone’s fool. Just because someone says they are Muslim means nothing to me. It goes deeper than that. I’m going to be with liked minded people and help like minded people – those who have made Allah their priority. Other than that, the other people are on their own.

    I don’t think for a moment that you are uncaring and not helpful. You have no Islamic obligation to do anything for those people but be kind and just if you must deal with them. Polygamy should be about all coming together as family to serve Allah. If it doesn’t exist, there is no singleness of purpose then I say – everyone is on their own. It’s how I see it. If a husband wants to lay down with a wife who is a greedy, lying hater, leave that alone. The Believing wife should focus on her relationship with Allah and welcome in the comfort and ease that we are promised. Life is beautiful when we do. I’ve never loved life more in my entire life. Life is good for the Believer.

    Wives need to stop sweating over devious, envious hateful, lying co-wives. Leave them be for Allah to deal with them…

  • Mari2

    May 26, 2016

    I have just reached the point I call NMP.  Not my problem.   This is in regards to all the family drama with M and number 2, and his mom, and his siblings coming here.  Is number 2 feeling unloved?  NMP.  Is mommy unhappy living in a basement?   NMP.  Is M’s sis and 3 kids arriving here on an F2 visa while the dad/husband is living the single life in NYC and M has to care for them instead of the husband?  NMP.  Does M have an aunt and uncle in the same town as me who have a big house but refuse to offer hospitality to his sister and her 3 kids?  NMP.  Does M try to guilt me into helping him offset his family obligations?   I tell him NMP.

    I have to remind him that as a secret wife and one who is not of his culture,  I have no obligation to help him provide for his sister and her kids.  I am very fortunate that I do not have to rely on him for monetary support as I pay for all I have.  I will help as I can but I have worked hard to provide myself with a nice place to live post divorce and I finally achieved a peaceful home to come into at the end of a hectic day.  And I am looking forward to a peaceful Ramadan during my summer vacation.   I already tried the multi family living arrangements and it was a fail.  M has numerous relatives living in this town so I cannot understand why he wants to put the burden of support and housing onto me.

    And before anyone says that I am mean or uncaring,  I will let you know that I have been working since 14.  Worked my way through college and started living on my own as soon as I graduated.   My daughter had her first and only child at 19.  Though my ex and I have helped her here and there, we have pushed our daughter to step up to what she chose and be financially responsible.   And she has.  She works 2 jobs, has her own place, works to make ends meet. She owns her own car, pays her own bills etc.  If I don’t molly coddle my own daughter,  how or why would I do so with those not even related to me?

  • anabellah

    May 26, 2016

    Jasmina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam.

    Thank you for popping in, Sis. I second what Umm of 2 said to you. Don’t let your co run you up out of your marriage. Know that she is an unhappy camper. She is not at a good place in her life right now. She is a malcontent. She doesn’t like her lot and apparently isn’t putting her focus where it needs to be so that she could move forward in her life to get the peace that Umm of2 spoke of.

    Be thankful that you are not her right about now. Keep working on you.  It’s your  personal Jihad. If you focus on her and the evil she’s doing, you’ll get sucked right on into it and will join her. Don’t let yourself get drawn into her little web. Rise above it and keep your eyes on the Prize – good in this world and good in the Hereafter.  It’s all good :-)

  • anabellah

    May 26, 2016

    Sis Umm of2,  :-)

    Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I intend to keep the blog going for a long time to come. I agree with you that this blog is needed and helps us all. I thank you and all the ladies for writing in and sharing valuable, useful information. Everyone can take something from all the stories, words of advice and wisdom here. It’s a beautiful thing.

    I’m so happy to hear that you have found the peace in your life that Allah speaks of. He says that He disposes of the Believers’ affairs towards comfort and ease. He gives us Peace. It what it means when we say Islam is a religion of peace. It’s not always the worldly peace that we see so little of in the world. It’s peace within.

    Allah has promised so much to the Believer not only in the Hereafter, but in this worlds’ life, as well – the here and the now. We can have so much joy and be so content here if we only remember Allah and do what He tells us to do. We have to not associate anything or anyone with Him. He stands alone. He is ONE.

    He tells us to commemorate the stories of the ProphetS in the Holy Quran, the Book that was revealed to our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). Islam is so beautiful

    Thanks for your positive uplifting words, Sis https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • Umm of2

    May 26, 2016

    Sis jasmina as Salaamu Alaikum. 

    Glad to hear you are progressing slowly and taking it a day at a time and not entertaining the bull. I think you should continue as you are and let the other wife hang herself with the rope she’s casting because that’s what will happen as long as she continues to not accept what Allah made acceptable. 

    It’s  such a blessing reading here and seeing the vast progression we sisters are all making in a positive way by being reminded of Allah and remembering He should be our main focus always. Sis Ana I can’t say this enough but may Allah bless you and may HE give you the strength and enthusiasm to continue on with this blog. So many of us are in dying need of it. Because Allah has guided be to this blog I am at peace, my heart is at peace. All we can do is take life one day at a time. Marriage is a working progress be it monogamy or polygamy 

  • Moipone

    May 26, 2016

    Hi @Tasliyman

    Thank you for your kind words things will get better and I will get over this . 

    @Anabellah I know my daughter misses her father but she will never go to Bangladesh over my dead body maybe when she is over 18 years old and makes her decision. Right I am not going to risk her well being. As for the complaint I won’t cancel I must miss him and still love him because its the early days hope time heals my wounds. 

    They talk on Skype and when she is old enough I will explain everything to her. 

    Thanks ladies for being her 

  • Jasmina

    May 26, 2016

    Assalam alaykom just popping in. Such sad stories. Some men are dogs. I’m here surviving,.. Same old but slowly and I mean very slowly things progress each day. We take a step forward and two steps back lately but it is what it is. The other wife has tightened her leash on my husband and she regrets polygamy and i she is desperate for me to leave or him leave me. Sigh. Anyhow all good otherwise so long as she doesn’t go crazy on me or my son it’s all good.

  • anabellah

    May 25, 2016

    Moipone, Hi there

    I too wish there was something I could say to help you feel better. I know how much you must love him and miss him. Perhaps there is a way that you two can reconcile and you’ll be able to accept a polygamous marriage one day. This way you could be with the husband whom you love and your daughter could be with her dad whom she loves.

    I don’t know how immigration works in the country in which you are in. If there are hearings regarding the matter, you may be able to withdraw your complaint.  I know you were acting out of anger. All is not lost.

    I would say you could allow your daughter visitation with him in Bangladesh, but that comes with problems as well. You don’t know what type of woman he is married to there and how she and her family would treat your daughter. Most importantly, you don’t know if he would keep your daughter there with him and you won’t be able to see her again. You’ll be dealing with international laws. What are the laws in Bangladesh about custody of children? It’s risky to let her go there without knowing what the laws are etc.

    In time you will know whether to put him and your relationship behind you and move forward with possibly a new husband or try to make a go of it with your current husband, God willing.

    Everything is so new for you and I know you’re overwhelmed. It will all workout. I totally get how you must feel. I know your daughter misses her dad much too. I’m sure he misses her, as well. He probably is just as confused as you are. Only God knows why he’s written the script as He has.

  • anabellah

    May 25, 2016

    I did get out of the video that monogamy is fairly NEW. Polygamy was always the norm. Monogamy is an innovation.

  • anabellah

    May 25, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to All

    Someone shared this with me. I am sharing it with you. I don’t know if I necessarily agree with what’s in the video. I haven’t given it much attention.

    http://www.msn.com/en-us/video/tunedin/why-humans-became-monogamous/vi-BBtcMU9?ocid=spartanntp

  • Tasliyman

    May 25, 2016

    Hi Moipone

    I wish I had the words to make things easier for you.  

    It’s one thing for a grown up to decide to cut contact with the other but it’s a total different story when a little girl wants to speak to her daddy. 

    I hope things get better soon, just hang in there. 

  • Moipone

    May 24, 2016

    Hi Ladies 

    Its a week since his been gone and I miss him like hell even I think I made peace of the future. Cutting communication is not easy as my daughter wants to talk to her papa everyday and she is counting days when he is coming back. 

    I have buried myself with work even enrolled for a new course but night time is the hardest when it gets quite everything comes rushing back all the emotions I cry myself to sleep. 

    I am trying to be strong but it is so hard.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

  • anabellah

    May 24, 2016

    Marah S, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    It’s good to hear she intends to join us when she gets home and settled. She’ll probably need a support system.

    I pray Allah continues to bestow His bounties, blessings and mercy upon us all :-)

  • Marah S

    May 23, 2016

    ASA everyone, I agree with you all, I feel so ashamed about some of the things I complain about after I come across stories like this, It makes me realize how ungrateful I am to Allah when I complain about small stuff. And it’s scary because I know I don’t deserve any of the good things that Allah has given me and I have not earned protection from all of the terrible things Allah has protected me from, yet here I am still being ungrateful.

    Anabellah you are amazing and inspiring , All the people that write here are so inspiring, you’re right there a re a lot of nice people here, it makes me appreciate Islam so much when I think of sisters like you and the ones who write here. I told her about this website, and she said that it sounds nice and she would love to check it out once she’s out the hospital and settled back home

  • Umm of2

    May 23, 2016

    Yes sisters so true. I don’t know what I would do if Allah had tested me with that type of a rachet husband. So much to be thankful for. Definitely an eye opener. So sorry for the sister though that’s A LOT. It’s heart shattering reading it let alone being someone’s reality. May Allah allow us to be grateful and never stop thanking him. We are all blessed in different ways. 

  • anabellah

    May 23, 2016

    We all should look at our lives differently after hearing that horrific real life story. It’s a wakeup call. We’ve got a lot to be grateful for. I’m ashamed about the silly, little stupid stuff that I get myself worked up about. There are people out there with real serious problems.

  • Moipone

    May 23, 2016

    Hello Ladies 

    This is really horrible but There is no bad religion but bad people quote by Morgan Freeman. I am here crying that my husband ruined my life while she is going through hell. That man is really cruel I really hope she gets through it. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifHe will get his Karma 

  • Umm of2

    May 23, 2016

    Asa sis marah S, that is so extremely disgusting what your friends husband had his wives involved in. AstugfirAllah 

    i live in one home with my husband and first wife. We split nights with our husband and that’s that. We have never engaged in unlawful sex acts or threesomes or anything other. All praise to Allah my husband is a good  God fearing man. we read from the Quran everyday and discuss it amongst ourselves. So I’m here to say it can work in a halal fashion. I wish people would rely solely upon the Holy Quran. 

    Sisters, please investigate your intended spouses before marriage to avoid so much heartache and feeling like you didn’t know this and that about the man until it is too late. 

    MarahS I’m not a doctor but i wonder if it’s possible they contracted HIV from amongst themselves after performing these haraam sex acts fluids being exchanged from one person to the next uhg I want to vomit just thinking of that yuck. 

     

    Sis Ana thank you much for spreading your knowledge of the Holy Quran here. Maybe it would encourage some to “Read in the name of Thy Lord” and stop depending on made made books created to suit their needs and desires. 

    Everyone please keep all the poor suffering oppressed and destitute Muslims around the world in your duas during this blessed time. Allah is the GREATEST

  • anabellah

    May 22, 2016

    Marah S, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I think it’s nice that you are trying to help her. She must feel very alone, scared at at the lowest that she’s ever felt in life. It’s nice that you are there for her. You could be right that she was just mislead and need someone with direction to help her, if she is sincere. I’d imagine you’d receive mega barakat (blessings) for helping her with no thought of anything from her in return. {{{hugs to you}}}.

    There are so many nice, wonderful people here. You are one of them https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    May 22, 2016

    It creeps me out! There was a movie about a nasty buzzard like him who was out there giving women AIDS. I can’t remember the name of it. I wonder about the men who have their wives living together.

  • Number 4

    May 22, 2016

    Marah S

    I figured he had them in orgys.  He most likely have them HIV.  He’s probably  had  women outside of all his past abd current marriages . Omg…Allah knows best. There has to be special place in the hell fire reserved for him….this is just heart breaking.

  • anabellah

    May 22, 2016

    Marah S,

    I don’t say much about Hadiths anymore cuz there are people who associate the Hadiths with the Holy Quran – the word of God. They say they go hand in hand like a hand in glove; although hadiths are written by men. They ignore the Quran and go with Hadith because Hadiths supports how they want to live. They don’t want people to know what is in the Holy Quran, the unadulterated book that is protected by Allah. So, I don’t get into it anymore. They can believe what they want to believe. I’m about me getting into Jannah by living the Holy Quran. The Muslim world is Jacked up because no one listens to Allah. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was the walking Quran who the Quran was revealed to. Man made up other stuff.

  • anabellah

    May 22, 2016

    Marah S

    You certainly could let her know that she could come to this blog to talk. No one knows her here. She can certainly ask questions and join the discussion. She doesn’t need to tell us what country she lives in if it would make her feel more comfortable. She she only tell us what she is comfortable sharing. We don’t go trying to play detective here and we don’t try to figure out who someone is. We don’t reveal anyone’s true identity and I do all I can’t not to allow anyone else to do it. It’s not how we roll.

    About her learning with tafsirs, I’ve never seen a tafsir in my life and don’t want to see one. I don’t read footnotes of the Quran either. Allah speaks to the believer through the Quran. Allah teaches the believer. If a person seeks refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed before reading the Quran and read the Quran the way Allah tells us to in the Quran, especially read it during the early morning hours and Fajr time, reading it to learn it and to live it, Allah guide those who seek his guidance. He doesn’t guide those who don’t see His guidance. Allah gave us a Book that we can read and understand on our own without needing help from others. Of course, he puts learned people in our path, as well. We should help one another and remind one another. Only Allah is one. I have picked up the Quran to finish reading where I left off, (as I read the Quran from front to back over and over again) only to find that at times what I’m living is being addressed in the ayat (verses) that I’m reading. It’s as though Allah speaks to me in the Quran. I’ve read the Quran for over 30 years now and it seems that I read ayat that I never read before, although I did read them. The Quran is like an ocean filled with knowledge.

    “And if all the trees on earth were pens and the ocean (were ink), with seven oceans behind it to add to its (supply), yet would not the words of Allah be exhausted (in the writing): for Allah is Exalted in Power, full of Wisdom.” Surah 31, ayah 27

    As long as she doesn’t ask us stuff like who created God and why God does something, there shouldn’t be a problem. I don’t try to convince anyone to accept Allah because if they come on board with an attitude of unbelief and the attitude that you’ve got to convince me, I don’t become a part of that. I don’t need to be involved with anyone who is satanic and causes me to question my belief and tries to lead me astray. I need to be with those who remind me of Allah and not distract me or causes me to doubt. Believers need to be with believers. It’s why I like being here with the people on this blog. We’re helping one another. I love the people who are here. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Marah S

    May 22, 2016

    She wants to start reading the Quran again but she doesn’t trust the tafsir and resources that she was using before because they were all given to her by her ex-husband / ex-co-wives. I don’t think i have all the answers to her questions. I wanted to ask if it’s okay if I point her to this website for her to ask some questions when it comes to marriage and polygamy since I really trust you Anabellah. She’s not a rude or spiteful person and she doesn’t curse or talk foul. She doesn’t slander Muslims or Allah, has some very valid questions that I think some of your articles can answer.

  • Marah S

    May 22, 2016

    I don’t think that’s what it was for her, I think it’s more than the abuse, I think it’s that it was beat into her that the Islam she was living was the correct Islam, and when she would question it, the person would bring verses and Hadith to support his actions. For a new Muslim who doesn’t understand that there are different translations of the Quran, and people can easily twist the meanings and fabricate Hadith, and tafsir is just someone else’s understanding, it can be confusing. look at groups like Isis they have “proof” justifying nearly every evil action they do and they are able to convince masses of people that they’re version of Islam is the correct version. She said something that made sense to me. She said she didn’t become Muslim to worship a human being just because he’s a man and her husband. She left Christianity because she didn’t want to worship multiple gods and here she was being forced to read Hadith That tells her to obey a man and everything that he said whether it seems right or wrong. To her this was too similar to worship and she couldn’t do it. I sent her the article you wrote about obeying your husband ONLY if he obeys Allah and if he commands you with good. She said that makes sense and that sounds like the Islam she wanted to practice. I told her that if the Quran tells you something and someone brings a Hadith that contradicts it she’s supposed to stick to the Quran, she mentioned that they had an incident like that once where she said she didn’t believe a certain Hadith was 100% authentic and she was taken to the masjid and lectured about people who don’t fully except Hadith and how they are kuffar and if she rejects a Hadith then she is no longer Muslim. And of course they made her read tons of ayat and Hadith to support their ideas. There are millions of Muslims who believe this stuff and live their lives accordingly. I don’t blame her for believing it too and not wanting to get with it because I wouldn’t want to practice that either. She’s not the type of ex-Muslim who slanders Muslims every chance she gets, and she actually listens and read the things I send to her, she mentioned that sometimes she feels guilty for giving up on Islam but she’s confused and she doesn’t know what the truth is, who to listen to, who to take from, what to believe, and what not to believe. i told her that is she seriously wants to learn the truth then I can try and help her the best I can but she needs to be sincere with her intentions.

  • anabellah

    May 22, 2016

    I the earlier post I meant to say the Jews and Mormons don’t leave their religion just because they had serious problems in their marriages. I’m sure some do because their religion was only about the marriage and they never had belief.

    If someone was chosen by Allah for Islam, that person wouldn’t leave it unless the person goes astray because of the acts that her or his hands wrought.

  • anabellah

    May 22, 2016

    Ucanbhappy, Hello, Welcome!

    Thank you for being here and for sharing your knowledge with us :-)

  • anabellah

    May 22, 2016

    I could see a Muslim woman who was in a bad marriage that she left saying she’d never marry again because the majority of the Muslim men practice some self-serving version of Islam, but she’ll keep her Islam and live her life out being celibate and single. I could get with that. Nothing will take her from her belief in Allah who is God and living the way He tells us to. She wasn’t into Islam and worshiping Allah because she wanted a husband. It wasn’t about her getting her desires fulfilled. It was about Allah. That makes sense. Allah very well may one day give that believing woman a believing husband that she never expected. On the other hand, I can’t get with a woman who say she left Islam and Allah because she thinks she got a raw deal with a husband. Where does Allah come into the picture? He apparently was never in the picture that she has.

  • Ucanbhappy

    May 22, 2016

    Hello. 

    In the case of the women who contracted hiv. I think it’s a rare case. Much like other std and sti if everyone is checked beforehand it can solve the problem. However, even if all parties involved were Virgins at the time of marriage the women will inevitably suffer from reoccurring yeast infections. As this is something that naturally lives in the body it cannot be got rid of forever. The vagina is a very delicate area and introducing another women’s bacteria to it, is a recipe for infection. Even if the man washes throughly traces of the other wife will still remain, and he will ‘inject’ that bacteria into the other wives. 

    I think every women in a polygamous marriage (if they are really honest with themselves) has regular bouts of thrush. Probably as often as menses. 

    The nurse whom number4 spoke of is correct. One should use condoms to prevent sharing of vaginal bacteria.

  • anabellah

    May 22, 2016

    Marah S,

    I can’t get with the explanation that she left Islam because she had a jacked up abusive husband who was a monster. It’s a reason to leave the husband, not to leave Islam. It’s a sorry excuse that she’s come up with. Women everyday have abusive, messed up husbands such as Jews, Muslims and Mormon who live their religion. They may leave the husbands, but they don’t leave Islam. It’s a cop out that she’s using.

    She can’t blame him for her inability or unwillingness or whatever it was to learn about her religion. People are getting bad information all the time about Islam. It’s their responsibility to seek out truth. It’s incumbent on us to learn our religion. She got a bad husband and there is no excuse in the world for her to blame Islam for it. I get all that you said that happened to her. She should be glad she’s out of it and keep turning to Allah, but of course she won’t because she’s blaming everyone else for her problems instead of blaming herself.

    If she was chosen for Islam there would be nothing to turn her away from Allah, except Allah, when she turns her back on Him. She made her world about her husband and it’s the bottom line, Now she wants to blame Islam. If she ever had an once of belief in Islam, she’d still be Muslim calling on Allah to help her cope with this disease that she now has and help her live her life in peace. She’d be pleading and begging and calling on Allah. It’s people like her that goes around slandering Islam and blaming their problems on Islam and Allah.

    Allah is a Just God. She got what she deserves. We get exactly what we deserve from Allah. She need to stop pointing the finger at everything and everyone else and start pointing the finger back at herself. You could go ahead and try to talk to her in an effort to get her to except Allah. Good luck with it.

  • anabellah

    May 22, 2016

    Marah S, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    What you said about him having her perform sex acts with his other wives is just a confirmation to me that freaky, sinful acts SOMETIMES get carried out in polygamous marriages in which all the wives and the husband live together. That type of living arrangement opens the door for so many evils. Some wives may like to listen to the husband having sex with the other wife. Some may like to watch. They may all have sex together. Some may be a voyeurs and all kinds of things. The husband may get turned on knowing the other wife(s) are listening. He may get turned on thinking he’s got a little harem up in there. It’s all totally wrong.

  • Marah S

    May 22, 2016

    It was so bad, that one time she got a toothache and her husband refused to take her to the dentist because he claimed that this was Allah punishing her for talking back to him, and being a disobedient wife. She had to sneak out the house to go to the dentist and when his first wife found out (she’s the boss of all the other wives) she told him and she got beat, for disobeying him and leaving the house without permission. 

  • Marah S

    May 22, 2016

    ASA sisters,

    thanks for all the advice, I understand what pushed her to leave Islam, she was living a nightmare, she married that man thinking he was righteous, and had knowledge. She assumed that his love polygamy showed that he loved the sunnah. He turned out to be a monster and He gave her a lot of misinformation. He would force her to perform sexual acts with his other wives in the house and when she told him she didn’t believe it was permissible he would somehow find a verse or Hadith that supported that. He would beat her senseless if she didn’t do something right, like if she made a mistake in salat, didn’t memorize her surah’s perfectly, if her eyebrows showed while she was wearing niqab, and he would Recite verses of the Quran to support his beating her. He wouldn’t allow her to talk to her family members and cut off her connection from her mom, brothers and sisters and said it was haram for her to talk to them. He treated his wives like sexual objects and would ask her to do things that she wasn’t comfortable with and when she refused he would beat her and tell her The hoor al ayn would curse her all night, and she was going to burn in hell. After he divorced her he came to her a month later and said that he was taking her back, when she refused to be his wife again he told her that he has the right to take her back three times and if she refuses then she’s going to hell, and the imams at the masjid would call her saying she has to go back, she’s a disobedient wife, she going to go to hell if she doesn’t go back. He fed her a completely different version of Islam then what she had understood from the Quran before becoming Muslim, and It scared her because he would always find a way to justify all his abuse with a Quran verse or with a Hadith, and he would have people to back him up and tell her that her understanding was wrong and she needed to be an obedient wife. I think if I continue to be kind to her and explain to her that what her ex-husband did was in no way Islamic, she may become Muslim again if Allah wills, she didn’t leave Islam because she was angry she left Islam because she was scared. Even now his wives keep saying they’re going to kidnap her baby because she has no Islamic right to her own child and the baby belongs to her husband not her. I can’t believe there are muslims who behave like this.

  • anabellah

    May 22, 2016

    It appears he may not only approach polygamy as a dating game, but may be a “sex addict.”

    I’d like to know how the one who left the marriage knows he’s still tying to get more wives.

  • anabellah

    May 22, 2016

    It’s sad especially because she’s only in her 20s and she has to think about what she’s got every single day of the rest of her life, which she’s reminded of when she takes her meds each day. I can only imagine what she’ll go through trying to get another husband. She got screwed.

  • Number4

    May 22, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh 

    Marah I’m just so shocked and horrified by your friend’s ordeal.  

    Unfortunately this situation effefts so many people.  Even n before  HIV  and AIDS, men in multiple relationships infected women all the time.  Now isn’t even the time to point the finger,  this is a horrible event that  has taken place. 

    I do believe Marah S that you may be correct,  that perhaps polygamy wasn’t being practiced correctly which means  Islam wasn’t being practiced.  Allah knows best. 

    In my case, just sharing, my husband and I have used condoms.  Not always but sometimes. My cousin who is a nurse( not Muslim )  thinks that protection in polygamy should be used at all times for safety.  It remains a choice of those who marry.

    I’m so sorry for your friend’s situation.  She can’t stop praying. I pray that she gets medical support.  HIV doesn’t always become full blown AIDS. I pray this disease doesn’t grow in her,  having the virus is scary enough. 

     

     

     

  • UmmWaladalKhilafah

    May 21, 2016

    Asalaamu alaykum warahmahtullaahi wabarakatuh.  I’m from the , just got involved in polygamy and keep up with all of your posts haha! Alhamdulillaah Allaah makes it easy, and Allaah guides.

     

  • Tasliyman

    May 21, 2016

    @Marah S

    I dont think there’s anything you can say to her to change her perception of Muslims and Islam. Actions speak louder than words. Her experience with the Muslims she has been in contact with has been very unlike what Islam represents. 

    All that you can do is to show her a different side to Islam through your interactions with her.  

    I agree with Ana on the fact that polygamy is not the issue here, belief in Alah is. Once again we dont know her and we dont know whats in her heart. If she only embraced Islam to be married, I hope that se truly finds Allah through this trials she’s experiencing. If she truly embraced Islam in the first place she now has to find her way back to Allah. No problem is too big for Allah.

    I can understand that she hates polygamy because of her personal experience with it. But I think the type of man she chose to marry is to blame. Not polygamy.  Even if the same type of person was married to one woman at a time, but a lot of different women over a period of time,the same thing could happen.  It still bug me that it is implied that this problem is unique to people in a polygamous marriage only when it is clearly not. 

  • anabellah

    May 20, 2016

    Umm of2 As Salaamu Alaikum

    Sis, I agree with you. I think if Islam was in the sister’s heart, she wouldn’t have been able to leave Islam that easily. It’s all too common that when a woman accepts Islam so that she can get a husband or to compete with a Muslim wife, when the marriage doesn’t work, she leaves Islam.  If the husband’s gone, what is there for her to stay in Islam for? She never wanted Islam, she only wanted him. When he leaves, she right behind him, leaving Islam. She probably then spends the rest of her miserable life bashing Islam and Muslims. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif

    It coincides with the ayah in the Quran in which Allah tells us not to marry a believing man to an unbelieving woman until she believes and not to marry a believing woman to an unbelieving man until he believes.

    In the case of that brother who gave his other wives HIV and the wife who gave it to him unless he was whoring around out there with someone who was not his wife, he doesn’t sound to be a believer. He just gets with anybody. It’s what it sounds like to me.  It’s mighty grotesque.

    It can’t be a blessing for the person that  Marah S’s knows. It has to be a curse. She’s cursed for not serving Allah.  Allah doesn’t bless the unbeliever.

  • Umm of2

    May 20, 2016

    Marah S, 

    The story you have related is terrifying, sis ana said it all. Your friend seems to have excepted Islam on the basis of pleasing her husband at the time. I think if it was in her heart she would not have abandoned Islam so easily. Allah guides and misguides those who HE pleases. I’m in utter shock still. Giving birth in the hospital, co wives gone wild threatening her, HIV whew! 

    Oum zakaraya

    welcome sister! Don’t be nervous sis. Just be yourself and don’t have any expectations. Just think positive thoughts

     

  • anabellah

    May 20, 2016

    For anyone who may be interested I received the following to share with you:

    Hello! My name is Allison, I work at a television production company in Seattle, WA! I’m reaching out because I am developing a docu-series right now, which is opening up opportunities for polygamists to share their stories, and I thought your website would be a great platform to get the word out! I’m looking for around three families to talk to – this is a day in the life type of series, we want to give anyone who wants it the opportunity to be heard and to contribute their voices. This is a chance to show a different, contemporary side of this community! Please send along my info to anyone who you think would be interested in speaking with me confidentially. Thank you, and hope to hear back soon!  allison@psgfilms.com

  • anabellah

    May 20, 2016

    Oum Zakarya,

    Maybe someone who has met a co would come forward and speak about it. I suggest you just try to be as calm as possible, if you do meet her. Try not to worry so much about meeting her. You have no reason to be embarrassed when you meet her. I think to be somewhat nervous and apprehensive about meeting her would be normal. At least you both have a language in common that you could speak with each other. I suggest you just be yourself. Let her know the feelings you’re having about meeting her and then maybe you both could loosen up and relax about meeting each other. I don’t really know how it is to meet a co-wife. Maybe someone who has experienced it will speak on it.

  • anabellah

    May 20, 2016

    Oum Zakarya Wa Alaikum as Salaam! Welcome, Sis

    Excuse my French. It’s not as eloquent as yours. I ask everyone here to excuse my French. It’s a joke. My French consist of &*@)*& and the like. Please don’t concern yourself about your English. We’ll be able to understand you. It’s okay. Just jump in and join us. I’m happy you are here, Sister.

  • anabellah

    May 20, 2016

    Actually, I had read in some Islamic material once that if anyone blames Allah, the person is correct because Allah causes all things. We simply get what our hands have wrought. Nonetheless, all that happens, Allah decreed it. We are still accountable for our deeds. Of course, your friend isn’t saying the same thing. She is simply ANGRY at Allah.

  • anabellah

    May 20, 2016

    Marah S,

    The story that you’re relating is disturbing and horrifying. It’s someone’s worse nightmare. Thank you for sharing it, as it should be an eyeopener and warning for everyone. No one knows what is in store for any of us for tomorrow. Allah could make someone a believer today and an unbeliever tomorrow. No one can be certain of anything but that Allah is God.

    Marah S, I don’t think there is anything that you can tell that person that would help her understand that because Muslims have done terrible things to her that she shouldn’t blame Allah. If she had faith in Allah, she wouldn’t blame anyone for anything. Allah controls all that is in the Heavens and the earth. You can’t say anything to get her that would make her understand or blieve. Allah determines who receive understanding and who believes. Apparently at this time, it’s not for her to believe. She has left Islam and doesn’t believe in Allah. You read the ayah that I posted here at the beginning of this thread (I think it’s here or the other thread) in which Allah says if he wanted everyone to believe they would believe. He didn’t create everyone that way. Allah determines who gets it and who doesn’t. She rejects faith and there is nothing you can do about it.

    To answer whether it’s possibly that they all have the disease now because they lived polygamy wrong. What is the correct way to live polygamy? What is the correct way to live monogamy? The question is what is the correct way to serve Allah. It’s possible that Allah is punishing them all because they haven’t been serving Allah the way that He tells us to. It’ has more to do with whether we obey Allah than with polygamy or anything else. Many people in polygamy serve their own desires. Allah says those who are moved by desire have a diseased heart. He says that when we follow desire we go astray.

    What has happened to the people involved could be a blessing or a curse, only Allah knows. I know Allah’s punishment is severe.

    I don’t know why they’re trying to take that woman’s baby from her. If she lives in the States, she could apply for a Restraining Order against all of them. If she lives in another country, I don’t know what she can do.

  • oum zakarya

    May 20, 2016

    salam alikoum sisters

    I ‘m glad to see a postive interest blog about polygamy.

    excuz me for my bad English, I am French and it’s hard to find such a blog in French.

    I have a question. how was it was when you meet your CW for the first time?

    wasn’t it be strange? what did you tell eachother?

    my husband married another woman, I didn’t meet her yet but I feel afraid. I imagine I will feel so embarrassed. besides, we don’t speak the same language, but we can communicate in English?

    thank you for your replies.

    fi amatillah

    your sister

     

  • Marah S

    May 20, 2016

    I certainly don’t want to get in her drama I live a peacefl life lol! But I would like to help her understand that becoming Muslim did make all these things happen to her

  • Marah S

    May 20, 2016

    Yes it is possible that she brought in the disease but I don’t think so, she’s really young, I know you don’t know her but I believe her story. She was divorced along with another sister that the brother had married a couple months after her, because they both wanted separate housing, she didn’t want her child to be raised in an unhealthy environment, and wanted her own apartment. They were all living together in one house. A lot of the people that attacked her are not even apart of the family they are outsiders from the masjid, friends of the first wife. He currently has two wives who are the ones who tracked her down, the second wife now married him after he had divorced her and the other one. I guess I can say this, be careful who you marry sisters, this brother is still looking for women to marry knowing that he has a disease. I just want advice on how I can help her understand that just because Muslims did all these horrible things and are still doing things to her, and threatening to kidnap her baby, that doesn’t mean Allah is to blame. Also is it possible that because they were practicing polygamy wrong that Allah punished all of them because they all have the disease now.

  • anabellah

    May 20, 2016

    The same as others have said here, I don’t think someone in a polygamous marriage is more prone to contracting STD and AIDS than anyone else out there, whether the person is monogamous and cheating, Gay, single or polygamous. There is not a large percentage of people who are polygamous on the planet.

    Sh!t happens. Even if everyone gets tested, there is no guarantee that someone in the marriage won’t step out of the marriage later, get with someone else and contract it.

    Of course it’s best that all parties to the marriage are God fearing and won’t be likely to commit adultery. The way men are marrying anybody now-a-day and they don’t care if the person believes or not, there’s a strong possibility for all kinds of ills to exist in the marriages.

    There are just no guarantees when dealing with other people other than celibacy, which someone else here said.

    Marah S, the person whom you know asked how could God allow….. It’s typical of non-believers to question God. I suggest you not be bothered with her. She’s left Islam and doesn’t believe in Allah. It’s what Allah has decided for her. Leave her be, and don’t get involved any further in her drama.

  • anabellah

    May 20, 2016

    Marah S,

    We can’t really know what happened based on the little info that you gave us about the situation. As you stated, there is so much more to it than you could write here.

    I’m going out there on the limb with my thoughts on it. I don’t know her from Eve and she doesn’t know me, so I feel safe to speak on the situation. I don’t think anyone else on this blog knows her either. I get the feeling that the person whom you know is the one who may very well have given the husband the HIV. She left the marriage when she was pregnant. She then got attacked by all the other wives and they still went after her while she was in the hospital giving birth. They seem to all believe she brought the HIV into that family and they feel STRONGLY about it.

    What makes me suspect is that she accepted polygamy so easily to get a husband and she so easily left Islam after the marriage didn’t work out while pregnant and now she’s out there questioning God and badmouthing Islam. It’s typical of what women do when they accept Islam to get a husband or to level the playing field when he becomes polygamous by marrying a Muslim woman and the marriage doesn’t work out. They leave the marriage or the husband divorces them and those women then end up badmouthing Islam. It’s terrible and it’s real. There are women like it out there in cyberspace badmouthing Islam, Muslims and polygamy each and everyday and won’t let up. My gut tells me that this person whom you know was the bad apple.

  • Marah S

    May 20, 2016

    This is some good advice, I’ll tell her some of this and see what she says. There’s a lot more to her story that I didn’t inckude because I figured you all didn’t need to hear all of the extra drama. But the people weren’t simply backbiting they were harassing her. They called her kafir to her face, she got physically assaulted while pregnant. She got banned from coming to the masjid. People would call her and curse her saying she would burn in the fire for eternity. She eventually moved away and decided she doesn’t believe in God at all. She gave birth yesterday and some of her husbands wives found out which hospital and room number she’s in, they’ve been calling her all day and threatening to come after her, she had to get security in her room.

     

    I suppose if you’re marrying someone who’s been married before you should get tested. None of my friends have ever tested their husbands or been tested themselves, I guess because they were all virgins. There is a risk even in monogamy but I figure it would be much easier keeping track of 2 people than it would be to keep track of 5

     

  • Umm of2

    May 20, 2016

    Aoa 

    Sis Layla stay out of it. I know from experience, my husband once consulted his first wife about something between him and I and she gave her two cents. It took me awhile to forgive her even though she was asked, as a woman she should know better. I could never do that to her. When my husband tries I turn the other way. Now he knows I’m not going to entertain him when he does that. It’s not my business. 

  • Tasliyman

    May 20, 2016

    Aslm

    @Marah S

    My answer to your question – How do you ladies in polygamy keep yourself safe from STD’s – is simply this:  The same as ladies in monogamous marriages.

    I think your questions are as relevant to people in monogamous marriages as it is to people in polygamous marriages.

    If a partner in a monogamous marriage cheats you are as at risk as you would be in a polygamous marriage.

    If you marry a man that is divorced or was sexually involved with someone else you face the same risk as a second, third or fourth wife entering into a marriage.

    On the other hand, if a HIV free man marries a HIV free woman and thereafter takes a second wife who is also HIV free, their chances of contracting the virus are no more than any other person (as HIV is not only transmitted sexually).     Just as it would be in the case of a man with one wife and both of them are HIV free.

    HIV is a real threat in today’s times and is a reality that should not be ignored.  However, it is not more applicable to ladies in polygamous marriages.

    As far as the question of how God can allow such a thing.  We need to look at what it is that is actually allowed by Allah and what it is that actually happened in your friend’s situation.  We do not know the facts surrounding the husband’s many wives  and I am no expert, but I sincerely doubt that polygamy has been made lawful so a man can have a whole lot of wives at any time and move on from them as is they were merely dating. 

    Ana always mention that we need to investigate.  I think this is very relevant here.  You need to investigate who it is that you are getting married to.  When marrying a man that has been married many times before thorough investigation would be needed indeed.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • ummof4

    May 20, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Marah S, when my husband has married another wife, he and she had medical tests, not just for STDs, but for other conditions as well.  I read the results.  If a new wife of his asked that I be tested also, I would not have a problem with it. 

    The bottom line is when we have sex with anyone, we take a chance.  We have to do as much investigation as we can, then ask Allah to protect us.  Many STDs have no symptoms; also condoms can break or be defective.  There is no 100% protection against STDs except abstinence. 

    As far as Allah allowing something that can cause people to get diseases, many things give diseases.  Smoking, eating too much of certain foods, working at particular jobs, etc.  Your friend may have left Islam and blamed it on people backbiting her, but her issues were deeper than that.  Her iman (Faith) was at a low level, and the backbiting just decreased it more.  It sounds as if she needs to seriously study Islam.  Maybe you can help her with her understanding.  Reading the Qur’aan is a start; especially reading about how Allah tests the faith of the Muslims and how Shaytan will do anything to make us doubt Islam.

    Jumuah Mubarak to everyone!

     

  • Marah S

    May 20, 2016

    Also this sparked some one questions of my own. 

    How do you ladies in polygamy keep yourselves safe from std’s. Because if the husband is married to 2+ women how can you be sure all of the other wives are healthy and what if one of them has a fling cheats on the husband and ends up with an std, how can the others be sure this won’t happen and keep themselves safe. I assume you can’t always wear a condom (suppose you want to have children). Or does everyone get tested regularly?

  • Marah S

    May 20, 2016

    Hello ladies,

    I recently reconnected with an old high school friend who gave birth yesterday, she got in touch with me because she knows that I am Muslim. She told me she had become Muslim. She had ended up getting married to a Muslim man who is very into polygamy. Since it was a part of Islam she accepted it and married as his second wife. She was married for nearly a year and then ended up getting divorced after finding out she was pregnant. A few months ago him and his first wife call her and say that they have HIV and she gave it to them. And they went around telling everyone that she gave them HIV u till she left Islam. She got tested and sure enough she has it too, her baby ended up not having it though. She says she knows for a fact that she didn’t have HIV before going into the marriage and that she got tested before getting married to him. She says he doesn’t fornicate or sleep around outside of marriage but he does practice polygamy heavily and has been married many many times before usually polygamously. She says in reality who knows which wife passed on the disease and how many of his ex wives now have it too. She asked me for advice and said to me “how could God allow a practice that makes it so easy for diseases like this to spread to innocent people and you can’t know who it came from” I didn’t know what to tell her I told her I would ask people who are more knowledgeable and get back to her so I thought I’d bring the matter to you ladies since you’d know more.

  • anabellah

    May 20, 2016

    Gail,

    Maybe I’m falling asleep again, thinking baseema’s Pakistani friend is the exception to the rule. I tend to do that easily. You gave me a wake up call. I think you and your husband are a rare exception. I think it has a lot to do with his parents living in the States with you as well.

  • Gail

    May 20, 2016

    Baseema,

     I read your post about your Pakistani guy and I wanted to chime in.In your situation the problem is not age or even Polygamy but him having to remarry a Pakistani women.Obviously Pakistani women are like western women and don’t accept polygamy (some do most don’t)so his Pakistani wife and her family would insist he get rid of u down the road when he was a USA citizen.U would think being a muslim nation they would accept Polygamy but the don’t.I really think my case is rare in the fact that my husband picked me the foreign wife over his Pakistani Cousin.Be careful if u are thinking to travel down that road.

     

  • anabellah

    May 19, 2016

    @Number 4,

    You’ve got a point there. He could be trying to spare Laylah any hurt by down playing his emotions about the baby. It’s so easy for a wife to misread the husband. She may project onto the husband how she wants it to be. Allah knows best what it is, as you said.

  • Number 4

    May 19, 2016

    @ Layla leave it be. Not your issue…he may be excited but it’s not his first child, so the fanfare may be less….or he could be sparing your feelings and not want to show excitement around you.

    Allah knows best.

  • anabellah

    May 19, 2016

    @Laylah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m with ummof4 and baseema, that you should stay out of it. In fact, I think all wives should keep their opinion to themselves about the co and the husband unless he comes out of his face and asks her specifically for her view or opinion on the matter. Only then speak on it. I wouldn’t interject based on what he simply utters in passing. I second what ummof4 and bassema said.

    As already stated, when the husband has children already, he’s been through a wife giving birth before, so it’s no biggy. Plus as stated, some husbands aren’t all into the giving birth thing and see it as a woman’s thing. We know there are some women who force the childbirth thing on the husband. We heard it from Jenny who was here and shared with us that she made her husband be present when she gave birth and made him change nappies etc. I never new diapers were called nappies until I heard it here on this blog.

    Wives need to be careful when they try to interpret statements made by the husband. The interpretation may be wrong. A wife could interpret that the husband doesn’t want the other wife’s to have his child, as he shows no enthusiasm about the other wife being pregnant or about to give birth. Who knows what the husband is thinking and going through. Maybe he’s concerned about finances, as well. Maybe he knows that when the wife who had no children gives birth, it’s no longer about him. He and the child have to share her time and affection. Caring for a child is very time consuming and takes away from the affection and attention that he had been getting all to himself. Her love, affection and attention is no longer reserved for him.

    When the variables change, everything changes. Marriage change when children are added to the mix. Regardless of what, it’s understandable that he may be excited, apprehensive, and anxious and more…

  • baseema

    May 19, 2016

    Laylah, i would keep out of it…it may be just that the mystery is gone, he already knows what happens from being with you. ;)

  • baseema

    May 19, 2016

    thank you Ana! hmm i thought i left a comment yesterday saying you sound nice too, but i guess it didn’t take? but here it is again! thanks ana! you’re pretty nice yourself! <3

     

  • ummof4

    May 19, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Laylah, if the comment was made in passing, then just pay no attention to it.  That situation is between your husband and his wife.  It’s possible that she has another support system for her birth that does not include her husband(who is also your husband).  All women do not want their husbands present at birth; they would rather have all women around them who understand them better.  My oldest daughter wanted her husband present at the birth of their child, but unfortunately he was nonchalant about the whole process.  She relied on me and her sister for support.  My youngest daughter had to have a cesarean birth and only wanted me in the room, not her husband.  I have lots of friends who assist women with birth; the husbands are out of it completely.  As a matter of fact, it is relatively recent in the United States that husbands are present at birth.  This only came about in the 1970’s – now women get angry at their husbands if they do not want to be involved; but quite frankly, watching their wives give birth is traumatic for some men.  Let each couple decide for themselves.  And sisters, do not force your husband to participate in the birthing process if he has no interest.  Find someone who really cares and will be a help, not a hindrance.

    Have a great day today and a blessed Jum’uah tomorrow,

    In shaa’Allah

  • Laylah

    May 19, 2016

    Salaam everyone x

    My husband made a passing comment about his other wife. About her going into hospital to give birth. He is very much less involved with her and her upcoming birthing, then he was with me. Infact, it’s a kind of nonchalance that would offend me, were it me. But it isn’t me… Should I speak up on her behalf? Or if that is satisfactory for her it’s none of my business? It was only a passing comment anyway? Is this normal? 

  • anabellah

    May 17, 2016

    baseema,

    That sounds so nice. I’m sure you would help take good care of him and whatever family he’ll one day have here, which would be your family too, Insha Allah. You sound to be a very nice person too. :-)

  • baseema

    May 17, 2016

    Ana, I’m a couple years older than his mother! lol I would have no problem with the other wives thing.  But I doubt immigration would ever let that go through (age difference). It’s so hard to come to the USA now, and I’m not willing to go to Pakistan. I’m scared to death of that. But I do want the best for him. I pray that he finds a good person. I wish he could come here and marry someone so he would be safer and I could be the nanny and watch over the little babies. lol I’d be the surrogate granny!  https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    May 17, 2016

    Baseema,

    Why not marry him with and stipulation that you won’t stand in his way of having more wives than just you? It’s okay for wives to be older than their husbands.

  • anabellah

    May 17, 2016

    Number 4,

    Nice! True it is. :-)

  • Laylah

    May 17, 2016

    @ Number 4

    That is so true x 

  • Number4

    May 16, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum all,

    I’m just reading the posts I’ve missed.  We are all valuable women. Believe that Allah is love and happiness, we need to want to be happy we don’t need to suffer in marriages or in any form or fashion we need to keep our eyes on the prize and Allah  is the prize Allah  is the Everlasting reward, ameen.

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2016

    @Laylah,

    Insha Allah, I’ll get back to you soon. I’m out on the road.

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2016

    I’ll take him LOL He sounds like a great catch! :-)

  • baseema

    May 16, 2016

    Ana, he is about 5foot 8 or 9 inches, so not short at all but not super tall. He is the smartest person I know, handsome, and very kind, and most of all has a really good heart. I hope he finds someone just as good as he is. It scares me that he lives in Pakistan because there has been bombings at the Mosque next to his house. And always earthquakes….Spirited, he is a Pakistani citizen. He told me he doesn’t believe in divorce, he believes in working things out. He said when he marries, he will be married for life. His father died when he was young, so he was raised by his mother and grandparents and extended family. That is probably the reason he is so kind.His mother is a school Principal. He has a Bachelor’s degree and works for himself.  I’ve spent so many hours over the years talking to him, and he has had nothing to gain but friendship. (And his English has improved greatly lol!) When I am depressed, he cheers me up. He is the most caring person I know. He is very spiritual and religious, and does his prayers. Sometimes he reads the Quran over the phone to me. We also play games together online and he makes me laugh a lot. He has given me so many hours of happiness, that I wish I could find someone nice for him. He won’t look himself and he doesn’t interact with girls. (Ethics! lol)But I know he would if I found someone nice for him!

    If he doesn’t get to the UK, then his family will start searching for a wife. If someone needs a really good husband, this guy is THE one! Seriously lol. He has lived with his mother and sisters and he is unlike any guy I have ever met! I only want the best for him. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Moipone

    May 16, 2016

    Hello 

    @Anabellah that is so true, sorry is just not enough sometimes. Think with him being away I will start to heal without seeing his face. 

    @Sprited once a liar always a liar that is true. Once trust is broken you can never recover it and you should probably marry a citizen in order for you to properly move on and be happy. 

    @Layla thank you for your kind words I really needed that, this is for my daughter and I will never want her to go through what I am going through over my dead body. 

    I love you ladies https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Laylah

    May 16, 2016

    Salaam x

    It’s been so interesting reading all your posts, only I’m feeling like a stalker, so ….

    @ Spirited

    You are so courageous. Insha Allah, your life partner is out there. And don’t worry about searching, he will find you x Insha Allah x

    @Moipone

    You did something difficult, and very brave. Men tend to forget, that when we become mother’s we are empowered by an incredible instinct Allah gives us in which we put our kids first. Hubby is off center stage, forever. With good reason… Your daughter needs to live by the ideals you teach. And you have shown her that women can be strong and stand up for what is right. It is an important lesson. I hope everything works out x

  • Spirited

    May 15, 2016

    Salaam all,

    @Scorpio83, welcome!  I’m sure everyone is glad that you’ve written in.  Sharing can be very liberating and help ease the pain.  I wish I could give you some practical advice on what to do at the current point in your situation, but everyone handles things their own way.  What helps more (I think) is your personal relationship with God.  If you’re close with Him, you find the strength to move past the feelings you’re having.  It also helps if you still care for, love, or respect your husband.  If you don’t, then you will have to face the hard questions of “why am I still staying with him & should I end the marriage?”  It’s very heavy stuff and ultimately comes down to you, what you can handle, and how much faith you have in God and His master plan.  That’s what I think anyways https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    @Moipone, I hear that!  You definitely lose respect and love starts to fade after you’ve dealt with a liar.  As far as my own experience went, “once a liar, always a liar.”  Even after swearing to work on our marriage and no more lies, he was STILL lying and had no intentions of working on us while he was busily setting up his real home in another state.  I’m not saying that’s the same with you, but it looks like you’re already over him and have decided to move on.  Whatever you decide to do, you have to be at peace with it.  You told immigration authorities so that he won’t be able to return, but what if he does pay off officials,have you decided if you will welcome him back?  Or maybe you’ll cross that bridge when (or if) you come to it?  Whatever the case, I hope you keep in touch with us, I truly believe that writing in here and sharing one’s feelings is therapeutic and helpful https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

    @Baseema, girl lol, thanks for looking out for me!  That’s so sweet!  I would hug you if I could. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif But, I will have to pass because it doesn’t sound like he is a citizen.  Even if you can vouch for him, I would constantly be suspicious and it would always be at the back of my mind that “he’s only using me.”  I would drive myself crazy for the 5+ years it would take to find out what he does after he has the citizenship or permanent residence.  Plus, at this point, you couldn’t pay me to deal with USCIS again (immigration department) no way.  Best of luck to him in his endeavors.

    @Ana, thanks for clarifying those things lol.  I don’t think it’s too unreasonable!  Still, I definitely got a laugh out of the requirements as you listed them, lol.  Hey, all I can I say is, I didn’t have a single “requirement” the first time, but this time I want to have some input for sure. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif  I hope you guys continue to keep me in your prayers https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    ok, back to harassing my cousins https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif, see you guys later, lol.

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2016

    I’ve talked often about “accepting Allah’s decree.” So what does this acceptance mean, many of you may ask.

    I’ve had some free moments in which I pulled myself away from the computer and the project that I’ve been working on. I read a little to help relax me. I’ve been reading a book (non-Islamic book) that has an excellent example of what acceptance is. I’ll share an except of it with you:

    “Whatever you cannot enjoy doing, you can at least accept that this is what you have to do. Acceptance means: For now, this is what this situation, this moment requires me to do, and so I do it willingly…For example, you probably won’t be able to enjoy changing the flat tire on your car at night in the middle of nowhere and in pouring rain, let alone be enthusiastic about it, but you can bring acceptance to it. Performing an action in the state of acceptance means you are at peace while you do it… On the surface, acceptance looks like a passive state, but in reality it is active and creative…” The author is Eckhart Tolle.

    If you view polygamy as something that you must do and just get busy doing it willfully, then you will eventually have peace in it.

    Allah tells us that we will submit to His will willingly or unwilling. We will come willingly or unwillingly, but we will submit to Allah’s decree. If we go UNwillingly, we suffer and have problems and agony, because we don’t accept Allah’s decisions.

    This is Allah’s world. It’s His creation and his creatures that He created. This world is not about us. It’s about HIM.

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2016

    baseema,

    You know that Spirited doesn’t like short men either and he has to have a brain that functions. :-)

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2016

    Scorpio83, Hi

    Yes, you are still a newbie to polygamy.  What you’re experiencing is way normal. It’s going to take time for you to get to a good place. You can get to what was your normal again; I assure you. It won’t happen overnight and it will require effort on your part. The effort isn’t in dealing with your husband, but with trying to accept Allah’s decision. It means believing that you’re in this polygamous marriage because Allah placed you in it. You have to stop blaming your husband because as long as you do, you will suffer in the marriage. If you’re going to keep blaming him, you need to make your intent to leave the marriage. You can’t leave until or unless Allah decrees it for you.

    He’s home with you now. Make the best of it. Don’t behave in a way that makes him wish that he never came home and wants to leave to get back to his other. Polygamy is part of our religion – Islam.

    If you want to talk more, we’re here for you. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re going to be okay. This whole thing is a process. It’s not easy.

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2016

    Baseema, hey there,

    Did you tell him all about Spirited and asked him if he’d be interested? It would probably be a start. She’s let us know that she’s open to marrying a Pakistani who is not ugly or her dad’s age.

  • baseema

    May 15, 2016

    Spirited, I wish I could fix you up with my friend in Pakistan. He truly is a good person, and he does his prayers. He is not yet married, as he has resisted efforts from his family to marry him. He is waiting on a visa to the UK, to go to work and he does not want to marry someone and leave them in Pakistan. I wish there was some way to fix you up with him. I have known him for five years and I trust him completely. I don’t remember where you are from, but this guy is truly a good one. Wayyy too young for me though! I’m like his god mother (lol) and he always asks me for advice. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2016

    Insha Allah, you’ve all made up the fast days that you missed from last year due to having your menses. I completed mine Alhumdulliah. You still have some time left, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2016

    Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Sis, the information was interesting that you shared about the 72 year old who gave birth to a healthy baby at that age. Prophet Abraham’ (PBUH) wife was probably older than that when she gave birth. My intention is to keep taking birth control until I no longer have a menses. I don’t care if I have to stay on birth control till I’m 100 years old LOL. Thanks for sharing https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & hello to all my cyberspace buddies, Classic Grinning

    I’m making progress with the project that I’ve been involved with. I’m eager to finish it, so I can share with you what I’ve been doing for months. I’m learning a lot in the course of working on it, expanding my knowledge about the industry. Insha Allah, I’ll be able to get back to spending more time on the blog and taking care of my domestic duties that had to take a back seat while I’ve pressed forward with a knew venture.

    Today, I freed myself from it and wrote a post/theme.

    https://www.polygamy411.com/should-she-obey-her-polygamous-husband/

    I love you all

    Insha Allah, you’re all getting ready for a fabulous Ramadan. Remember Allah says that all would fast if they only new (the blessings to be derived from it).

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2016

    Moipone,  Hihttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    I’m very sad for you, but not sorry for you because I know you can rise above this. I have an idea of how you’re feeling. I think it’s understandable that you are confused now. Of course you still love your husband. I know you probably wish that you didn’t.

    Wouldn’t it be nice is we could say we won’t love someone anymore and it happens just like that – the love is gone?  You were married to him a long time; you have a daughter with him and you three have history together.

    I wouldn’t doubt that he loves you and is sorry for what has happened, but sometimes, sorry just isn’t enough.

    You are certainly not the only one who something like this has happened to. It has happened to many others that have been here on the blog. What happens is men who claim to be Muslim marry non-Muslim women. They are taught from people who don’t know their religion that Muslim men can marry non-Muslim women or “People of the Book.” They are ignorant to the Quran and what it says. They have no clue who the “People of the Book were. The “People of the Book” lived BEFORE AND DURING the Prophet’s(PBUH) stay on this earth. “The People of the Book” were already following the same message that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) brought – Allah’s original books  – the Torah and the Gospel. No non-Muslim in the 21st century follow the original Books of Allah. All people are expected to follow Islam after the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received the revelation. Anyhow, I don’t expect you to understand all of that because the average Muslim doesn’t.

    Nonetheless, what happens in situations such as the one that you are in is that so called Muslim men marry non-Muslim women. They live as non-Muslims do, and all seems to be hunky dory, okay. Then many decide later to go get themselves a Muslim woman to marry. Many do it to satisfy culture requirements, such as what it appears your husband is doing. Others just want someone of their own nationality or maybe some realize they are off the straight path and want to get on it. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    Meanwhile, the non-Muslim woman’s life gets turned upside down. She is introduced to polygamy and it’s forced on her. She never signed up for it. It’s not part of her way of life or beliefs. He has forced a way on her that she didn’t agree to.

    The husband doesn’t care because all along he was simply thinking about himself and what he wanted. He was all along trying to satisfy his selfish desires. It was all about him.

    It seems to be what you got caught up in. He simply wasn’t honest and upfront with you about anything. He was just getting off doing what brought him momentary satisfaction and pleasure.

    I don’t doubt that he’ll be able to buy himself back into the country (South Africa) or maybe he’ll just resolve himself to the fact that he’ll make a new life for himself back in Bangladesh.

    As you stated, time will tell. It ain’t over till it’s over.

    Try to be strong and know that this too shall pass. You have to try to “navigate a course through safety and sanity the best way that you know how.”

    We’re here to chat whenever you feel up to it. My heart hurts for you. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

  • Scorpio83

    May 15, 2016

    Hi….

    im still new to polygamy… My husband has got back after a month with spending time with his other wife…….

    Now my emotions are running wild…..I feel numb one minute and the next just really upset…. 

    He kept in contact with the our kids while he was away…. But now that he s back I don’t know how I feel about the whole situation …. I know Im problably not making any sense …. But I just had to  get my thoughts out here …….. 

     

     

  • Moipone

    May 15, 2016

    Hi

    I totally understand @Spirited 

    @Anabellah no I am still here, He just left for 3 months I am feeling sick, numb n powerless. How I can I love him after all the lies and pain he caused me.I contacted immigration and told them everything a part of me says I have done the right thing another says I have acted selfishly without thinking how this will affect my daughter. The immigration officer said they will block him from ever entering South Africa. But with corruption in my country almost everyone has a price only time will tell. 

    He keeps insisting that he loves me and he is sorry for everything the lies the part of me that loves him believes he is telling the truth and the hurt part of him say he can go to hell its not the end of the world. Marriages end and sometimes its for the better. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

     

     

  • Spirited

    May 14, 2016

    @ummof4, hiiiii!  I haven’t spoken to you in a while!  I hope all is well with you, Insha’Allah.  I just saw your comment.

    personally, I am open to other ethnicities as well, as long as we can get along (and he must be a citizen or on his way to citizenship on his own).  I actually have been focusing on men who have been married (divorced or widowed), and I do check out men who have children.  I even put it out there that I’m open to an age difference of 10 years (beyond that much gets a little weird).  I still haven’t found the right combination who is still mentally around the same level.

    Plenty of them claim to be God respecting and attentive to prayers and reading, but even those pull out the ridiculous sex requests and propositions to meet up at hotels and etc. etc. once they see that I’m really interested.  Some string me along, get a free meal out of it, then never return messages or calls again.  And then there are the ones who hide their pics but talk highly of themselves and they may seem ok as far as what they say, but then I can’t be expected to live with someone who is not physically agreeable to me.  (My mother has said some of these types have been downright hideous lol!).

    Im not really demanding much.  I don’t mind if the guy has his children living with him, I don’t require a 6-figure salary, or a ripped, muscle bound hunk.  Just a normal, down to earth, respectable guy.  I’ve seen lots of profiles that write exactly that about themselves but they either lie, ignore me, or have requirements of a virgin wife (or age, or something else) that I don’t measure up to.  It’s a bit depressing at times, especially when my dad acts like he’s giving up and tries to convince me to consider non-citizens because “there are great guys ready to marry you right away” (but they obviously want the American immigration) and I “shouldn’t judge them all based on one bad egg” (but it’s my life that’s been completely screwed and I don’t want to risk it because it’s devastating).

    I’m sure the one guy is out there.  Like my mom says “only need one, where is he hiding?”  Lol.  Insha’Allah, I will find him sooner or later (hopefully sooner!)

  • Spirited

    May 14, 2016

    Salaam everyone,

    @Ana, oh don’t worry about that, I told him the same day that I am not going to help.  Wanting to help was just instinct, lol.  Snuck around with one woman?  I bet there were more.  You don’t put yourself on hookup sites to engage in adultery with just one woman.  Anyway, these days, he is doing QUITE well for himself, after all the help and doors I & my family members got him through.  Honestly, that is infuriating, while I have to essentially start all over from less than zero (wasting years of my life, divorce label, older, etc).  My doctors even think PCOS could have come about because of the stressful marriage.  No way to know for sure because they’re not certain about the exact causes but other suspicions don’t fit.  Plus, I didn’t have polycystic ovaries in the start of the marriage…https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    I have to admit, sometimes I come across something about my ex accidentally and it just seems unfair that everything is going so well for him.  Oh well, I’m probably at my lowest point so I can’t possibly go any lower.  I’m due for going up, I would think! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif  Plus, yes I know, even if another person’s life seems perfect, you never know what it is actually like, or what is in store ahead.

    @Moipone, thanks for your support https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif!  It’s really hard, but I’m chugging along.  I wouldn’t be concerned about a time limit for re-marriage, except for the fertility disorder.  My specialist said he would be worried if I got to 40 yrs old without seriously trying to get pregnant.  This is only 5 yrs away & I certainly can’t try without a spouse, lol.  Still, I’m being optimistic!   Some people said maybe it’s not for me to have children.  It is a good point, so I try not to focus on this aspect much.  If it’s meant to be, it will.  If not, that’s ok too.  At least, I do still want to have a companion in my life who truly cares for me & I for him (children or no children).

    Interestingly, there was a news story a few days ago (May 12th) about a 72 yr old woman, married 40+ years and the couple was childless — gave birth to a healthy baby boy.  Sure, she had medical intervention, but even with that, it must have been God’s plan to let the pregnancy go to term, the baby being normal and healthy & the woman being healthy as well. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif  For Allah, it’s no big deal.  I thought it was a pretty cool event & wish them luck as I’m sure there are going to be some big challenges ahead for them.

    Welp anywho, talk to you guys later!  https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

     

  • ummof4

    May 14, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Spirited, as Ana said, PLEASE do not help your ex at all.  As far as finding a husband, are you only looking for Pakistani or Indian husbands?  If so, may I suggest that you look for a Muslim man who loves and fears Allah first and foremost.  Someone who is compatible with you and does not have a hang up about marrying a divorced woman.  It may be a man who also has been divorced and maybe has a child or children already and doesn’t mind marrying a woman who may have trouble conceiving.

    Okay, here I go, out on a limb.  Spirited, if you marry a man who is already married and has children, it’s possible he won’t be so concerned or upset if his wife (you) are unable to conceive.  And if you get the icing on the cake, you may have the chance to be the good stepmother.

    May we all worship Allah as He commanded us to.

     

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2016

    The character also said, “Life is a series a colossal mistakes.”

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2016

    @Moipone,

    Hey there, https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    I’m so happy you’re still with us. I though you had flew the coop upon realizing that polygamy was the least of your problems. I’m glad you didn’t and are still here. Is there any update that you feel comfortable talking about?

    I like the post that you wrote to Spirited. You’re right; we learn from our mistakes. I don’t know exactly though, if anything is really a mistake. I think it’s just what was written for us. We each have our own personal journey. Sh!t happens and we just have to find our way out of the smelly mess.

    In one movie that I love, “Like Sunday, Like Rain,” one of the characters said, “I’m just trying to navigate a course through safety and sanity the best way that I know how.” https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2016

    @Spirited,  As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Sis Spirited, as I was saying, I suggest you not spend any time worrying about how your ex is going to fare and what his problems are. He has shown you who he is. He, being Pakistani, knows the Pakistani culture. He knows that divorce is frown upon and how difficult it is for women who are out of their 20s to get husbands etc. He knows of your medical condition. Beside that, he was married to you for several years; he knows you. Did he consider any of it when he divorced you? He sneaked around behind your back with a woman, married her, put you at your parents house, impregnated his other twice, while telling you not to have children and you still have some compassion for  him. It’s because you’re a good person. You’re a kind, sweetheart of a person and it’s your nature to help as you said.

    I didn’t have to give you a recap of your life because it happened to you. Nonetheless, you’re out there in search of a husband, cuz your ex didn’t have the compassion, concern and understanding to consider staying married to you and be a good person to you. He was all about self.

    Okay, he moved on. Let him keep getting up. Don’t give him the time of  day. Instead of him and his lawyer trying to get help from you, your husband needs to be trying to figure out how to help you, if anything. You would be foolish to try to do anything in an effort to lighten his burden. Maybe what he is going through is part of his punishment for dogging you out.

    Allah is a Just God. I just sit back and let people do their dirt because I know Allah knows and sees all things. His punishment is severe. People who do dirt don’t wrong us. They wrong their own souls. As I said I just sit back and watch.

    Whatever your ex-husband is going through is what his hands called for.

    Insha Allah, He’ll send you a good husband soon. I like the post that Moipone wrote you.

    Hang tough https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

     

  • Moipone

    May 14, 2016

    Hello Ladies 

    Hahahah Spirited love the filter I am so glad you got out and lucky you didn’t have children with him. I am sure you will find someone and never mind the timeline of one year. When its time you will find your perfect match. I wish I had the citizen filter but I was so young and naive but it’s life we learn from our mistakes https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2016

    Sis Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You are too funny. You had me cracking up laughing over here. Your post had me shaking my head about those so called “Muslim Men” out there.

    Insha Allah, I’ll write more later in the day (It’s after midnight now). I’ve been crazy busy, just got done shutting down the computer and now am on this crazy phone. I’m so happy to hear from you.

    I know you feel compassion towards your ex because you’ve got a heart of gold, but DON’T YOU DARE HELP that loser!!! I’ll get back with you asap

  • Spirited

    May 13, 2016

    Salaam to all,

    How is everyone?  Hopefully doing well!  Summer break is upon me so I have a good amount of free time.  I’m planning on doing some prep for September, hanging out with friends and family and giving more time to looking for a spouse.  

    Nothing to update on the husband search.  Keeping the “must be a citizen” filter, I seem to be attracting mostly…shall we say “subprime” men, and obvious liars about age, family (kids or no kids), education level and even height.  The horrifying butchering of English I’ve come across from some of these guys is truly something else.  And c’mon, if you’re plainly visually shorter than me when I’m wearing flat shoes, you are NOT taller than or equal to my height, no matter how much you claim otherwise.  The most surprising thing I’ve come across is the lack of shame or decency in propositioning “test driving” for sexual compatibility, talking about sexual desires and “requirements” that a particular guy wants in the bedroom, asking me for phone sex, asking why I don’t want porn because it will be educational to easily clarify what they want, etc. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif  Unfortunately, I feel that the lack of better selection of men all comes back to the “divorced” label.  I’m sure being further damaged goods because of PCOS doesn’t help.  So much for my uncle’s assurances that I’ll be re-married to a great guy in a matter of months since I have no children, lol!  Well, it’s going to be 1 year in June, nothing to do but keep looking.  

    @Ana & Gail.  Guess what, the ex said his lawyer wanted to know if I would help if they ran into problems.  I said no, he had planned to fight the case on the fact of his kids being born here, so his lawyer can continue to try that course and I wished him luck.  I honestly do wish him the best result, as Allah knows what is best, but I don’t want to be involved.  It’s pathetic of me that I feel bad for not helping (that’s just my nature to help) but I’ve developed a bit of a hardened heart now so whatever.  

    Well, that’s all for now, see you ladies later https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    May 12, 2016

    Marah S, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I usually continue to read the Quran where I last left off. I just read an ayah that relates to what we were speaking of regarding all of Allah’s Prophets. I want to share it with you. It is as follows:

    “All that We relate to thee of the stories of the messengers-with it We make firm thy heart: in them there cometh to thee the Truth, as well as an exhortation and a message of remembrance to those who believe”
    Quran: Surah 11, ayah 120

  • anabellah

    May 11, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone

    When we look at polygamy and the problems that exist in it stemming from the people who engage in it, we should keep in mind that there are people with far worse problems. Women and children are suffering terrible in “Muslim Countries” and apparently no one is able to help. Why? It’s a rhetorical question. I’m not looking for anyone to answer.

    Here’s a video that I watched. You’d have to wait a moment for it to load: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-36263811

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2016

    Marah S, Alhumdulliah

    No, you most certainly aren’t the only Muslim that sees something wrong with what’s happening out there. If the Muslims read the Quran they’d know it’s wrong. If they read the Quran, they’d know that Allah clearly, plainly and simply tells us not to differentiate between any of his Prophets. He says don’t do it. The whole entire Quran is about all of Allah’s Prophets that the majority of Muslims ignore. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was the seal of the Prophets and received the final revelation – the Holy Quran – that had the same message as His previous Books – The Torah, the Gospel and others. The majority of Muslims disregard what Allah who is God says.

    I agree completely agree with all that you said. Allah also says in the Quran that if we follow the common run of people, they will lead us astray from the path of allah, and He says there will only be a few from our day (today) who will be foremost in faith and foremost in the Hereafter (in Jannah/Paradise). Insha Allah, let’s strive to be one of them, I think we’ve got a good start. Insha Allah, He will increase our knowledge and He will not turn our hearts from Al Islam after He has guided us. Knowledge is a beautiful thing! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Marah S

    May 10, 2016

    Al hamdulillah, anabellah I feel so much better now, it just seemed so wrong to me that people make statements like this, I was worried that something was wrong with me or my understanding but what you said absolutely makes sense. I know a lot of Muslims believe as if prophet Muhammad is the main prophet and all the other prophets of Allah are less important, this has always seemed wrong to me I don’t think one prophet should be considered more important than the others. This is a scary path that the Muslims have taken. The more I think about it the more I realize that it truly is the same thing the Jews did and the Christians did. Another thing that bothers me is that most Muslims don’t even know The names and stories of even half  the prophets mentioned in the Quran but they know the names and stories of tons of sahaba, just because they were friends of the prophet, don’t get me wrong the Sahaba are wonderful but shouldn’t our first priority be the people Allah has mentioned as examples for us in the Quran. Anyways I’m just rambling now I’m just so happy that im not the only Muslim that see’s something wrong with these things

  • ummof4

    May 10, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Muslima, please do not comment at all on your husband wanting to divorce his other wife.  If you do comment, just say to him to make sure that he has made salatul istikharah about his decision and that it is something that is best for him and his soul.

    When my husband divorced his other wife, I still don’t know to this day the reason that they divorced.  That was 18 years ago, and I still don’t need to know the reason.  She is my Muslim sister and he is my Muslim brother and we still all live in the same city and frequent the same masjids and Islamic events.

    Allahu Akbar !

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2016

    All of Allah’s Prophets and His believing servants had/have distinguishing qualities and characteristics. Allah says the Quran can raise us to honor. Allah’s Mercy is the Quran.Allah says in the absence of His Mercy we’d all be in Hell.

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2016

    Marah S,

    Now, you see what I’ve been talking about, woman. You don’t know how happy I am that you spoke up about it. One of the highlights of the story in the Quran about Prophet Yusuf is the beauty that he possessed, just as you said it. He had such beauty that someone said he must be an angel. I love the story of Yusuf. All the stories in the Holy Quran are absolutely beautiful, but the story of Yusuf is one of my wali and my favorites. Just the other day we were talking about how beautiful Yusuf was supposed to be based on what’s in the Quran.

    It goes to show, people don’t read the Quran. They dismiss or minimize everything about any of Allah’s prophets accept for the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). It’s beyond my understanding. It is beyond my comprehension.

    Some have made Islam about the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) the same as the Christians have made Christianity about Jesus (who they believe was the son of God, but we know he was a Prophet) and the Jews have made Judaism about Moses (who we know was a prophet). There is no difference between the other religions and what many Muslims have done today. If they read the Quran AND Allah give them understanding, they would know that they are wrong. Islam is about all of Allah’s Prophets. Allah speaks about ALL of His Prophets throughout the ENTIRE Quran.

    Then Muslims wonder why the condition of Muslims is the way that it is around the globe. Muslims are SUFFERING badly. They are suffering more than non-believers. Why? Because they changed Allah religion Islam and made it into something else. They made it into what they they want it to be. Muslims are feuding with Muslims. Muslims are blowing up Muslims. Other countries are blowing up Muslims to keep Muslims from blowing up Muslims and non-Muslims. It’s a huge mess.

    Muslims have turned their backs on Allah. Allah curses the unbelievers. If anyone doesn’t follow what Allah says, He says they are no better than an unbeliever.

    Marah S, thank Allah much that he has given you eyes that can see and ears that can hear and you’re not of the deaf, dumb and the blind. You live amongst the dead, but you are not of the dead. :-)

  • Marah S

    May 9, 2016

    Hello sisters, this is a bit off topic but I am confused about this and I thought maybe one of you may know something about this topic. The other day I was listening to a lecture on YouTube and the person giving the lecture was talking about the story of prophet Yusuf and while talking about the topic of the beauty of prophet Yusuf he made a comment saying that if Allah gave Yusuf half of all the beauty that existed then he have prophet Muhammad all of it. This really confused me because I always understood that prophets Yusuf’s beauty was a unique quality that Allah gave him and it is one of the outstanding qualities that made his story significant. I don’t mean to say that prophet Muhammad wasn’t beautiful I’m sure he was, but As far as I know Allah made it clear in the Quran that prophet Yusuf was uniquely beautiful and I never read in the Quran that Allah made it clear that the prophet Muhammad’s beauty was even more superior. I spent all day looking for the source of this statement and I see that a lot of people make this statement but I can’t find a verse or even a Hadith that says this. It seems like people are simply trying to put prophet Muhammad above prophet Yusuf even in something as simple as beauty, but I don’t understand why they need to do that, are other prophets not allowed to have unique qualities that prophet Muhammad may not posses even something as simple as beauty. I was scared to ask someone I know personally about this because they might think I’m going crazy so Please don’t judge me or scold me sisters if I am sounding ignorant just explain it to me.

  • Umm of2

    May 9, 2016

    Muslima, 

    i second sis Ana. Do not go near it. Stay far far away from that. Because it can and will backfire. 

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2016

    Muslima,

    Nope, I wouldn’t advise him not to divorce her. Even if he were to ask your advice about it, I’d stay out of it, if I were you. You’ll be accountable for the advice that you give him about it. You’re not obligated to give advice.

    Let him account for the intention that he makes. He knows why he wants to divorce her. He’s been married to her. He knows stuff about her and their marriage that you don’t know. In his mind, apparently there is enough reason for him to divorce her. She’ll still have the idaat period to reconcile their differences.

    If he divorces her without any input from you, he will have no one else to blame for it.

    I say, play it safe. Don’t get involved. Those are my 2 cents about it.

  • Muslima

    May 9, 2016

    Hello to all,

    In a situation where your husband was going to divorce your Co wife, would you advise him not to? Even if he is not asking for your opinion.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif

  • Moipone

    May 8, 2016

    Hi Anabellah 

    I met him at my uncles house, I know his brothers and uncles who are here in South Africa, I have spoken to his parents on the phone several times. 

    You are right I don’t know this man I am married too and If and when I decide to enter Muslim I want it to be for the right reasons, Not the wrong ones. 

    Yes I have a serious problem than polygamy indeed. 

    Thank you ladies for your input

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    Marah S, :-)

    We’ll said!!!

  • Marah S

    May 7, 2016

    Idk what some people are thinking, if you bully someone into entering Islam it won’t be in their hearts, only Allah can guide people that is not our job, talking about Islam in a positive way and showing people what Islam is truly about through our actions is the best we can do. When I think about Muslims like Isl and other similar groups I feel so bad for them. They are literally death, dumb, blind, and practice open hypocrisy. They use Islam for political revenge, they make up their minds first, commit evil actions then search for any verse or Hadith that they can twist to support their actions when they can’t find a verse or Hadith then they try to find a saying from some “sheikh” as if their sheikh is partners with Allah, I feel especially sorry for all those teenage girls that ran away to Syria to find a strong brave husband who will fight for their freedom and the freedom of the Muslim people only to realize they made a huge mistake and their love story will not come true

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    I was reading Quran this a.m. and read the ayah that apparently Is/ISL never read, but of course, those who are a part of it probably never, ever read the Quran to begin with or they didn’t understand it. It was:

    “If it had been thy Lord’s will, they would all have believed,- all who are on earth! wilt thou then compel mankind, against their will, to believe!” Quran: Surah 10, ayah 99

    “No soul can believe, except by the will of Allah, and He will place doubt (or obscurity) on those who will not understand.” Quran: Surah 10, ayah 100

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I still try to give advice tailored towards Muslims when it’s sensible since the Quran is for all humanity and all times. I just don’t try to convert anyone cuz I know how I felt when people tried to convert me to be a Jehova Witnesses or Mormon. If someone shows an interest or asks me about Islam, I definitely try to help. Allah guides those who seek guidance.

  • ummof4

    May 7, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, thank you for pointing out that Moipone is not Muslim; I must have missed that in her earlier posts.  However, the last advice I gave still stands; it doesn’t matter if she is Muslim or not. 

    LADIES, REMEMBER, MOST MEN FROM COUNTRIES THAT ARE PREDOMINATELY MUSLIM (I MEAN MOST, THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS) MARRY WOMEN FROM THEIR HOME COUNTRY OR THE HOME COUNTRY OF THEIR PARENTS.  IT DOES NOT MATTER IF THEY WERE BORN OR REARED IN THE US OR UK. EVEN IF THEY DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE FROM THE HOME COUNTRY, THEY MARRY SOMEONE FROM THE SAME ETHNIC BACKGROUND.  THEY MARRY THE WOMEN THAT THEIR FAMILIES TELL THEM TO MARRY OR ARRANGE FOR THEM TO MARRY.  THIS IS ESPECIALLY TRUE FOR MUSLIMS FROM BANGLADESH, INDIA AND PAKISTAN!

     

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    I just fixed my post. I’m on this phone again.

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    I think you’re right, number4. Getting out amongst adults and mingling could help get her mind off her situation. She’d have to restrain herself from talking about it to them though LOL Some people talk about their problems to anyone who will listen when they’ve in a pickle. My ex brother-in-law used to talk to everybody and anybody, I mean complete strangers about his marital problems when he was going through a thing with my sister before their divorce. He was unbelievable SMH

  • Number4

    May 7, 2016

    Ahhh gotcha ana. …I see regarding Moipoine.  Ok so she can seek out women groups m not  necessarily religious and get out and mingle.  

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    I’m not saying that if she expresses an interest in becoming Muslim that I’d discourage her. She hasn’t yet express that desire here. It’s important that a person who takes the Shahadah knows that she or he is making a serious covenant with Allah, which shouldn’t be taken lightly, as Allah’s punishment is severe.

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    Number4,

    I think what you suggested would be nice if Moipone has a desire and inclination to be Muslim to serve and worship Allah. It sounds to me that she married into Islam only. There are non-Muslim women are married to Muslim men and the women suddenly express an interest in becoming Muslim when their husbands marry Muslim women and become polygamous. They want to level the playing field, which is why they become Muslim. They become Muslim for the wrong reason.

    There were women that did that and they were here with us talking on this blog. They left Islam when the marriage didn’t work and ended up badmouthing Islam. A person can accept Islam for a reason that has nothing to do with serving Allah, and when that reason no longer exists, Islam no longer exists for them.

  • Number4

    May 7, 2016

    I thought some  advice for  you Moipone was relevant. ..

    It would be great if she joined sister groups at local masjids. Start  interactions with other adults and attend events that promote positivity and do community outreach within a masjid.  There are many things that you can do to continue to grow. Put yourself first.  

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    Hey there Marah S,

    How ya doing, lurker LOL Thank you for popping in and chiming in. I like when silent readers make their presence known. Please do so more often, Insha Allah.

    I appreciate you enlightening me about Bangladeshi people. I didn’t know it’s what they are called, either so you’re giving me an education. Much oblige. :-)

  • Marah S

    May 7, 2016

    Hey ladies it’s been a while, I’ve been lurking and reading, I just wanted to chime in and say that I know a lot of Bangladeshi people as well as Pakistani and they have many similarities in their culture including the way they marry, as do most south Asian subcultures

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    Moipone,

    I’ve placed an except below about what I found online regarding Bangladesh marriages:

    “Marriages in Bangladesh are predominantly arranged, with relatively fewer choice (also referred to as “love”) marriages. Most men marry before the age of 35, while the majority of women marry before the age of 25. While the past has shown that the average age for women getting married in rural areas is significantly lower (16 years of age) than that of those getting married in urban areas, even this age has recently increased significantly (to 20 years of age). The increase in the average age of women getting married reflects an increasing preference among men (and the families that are arranging marriages for them) for potential spouses with greater educational qualifications. These trends seem to be indicative of a preference for women who will be able to fulfill more traditional roles while simultaneously maintaining a job and contributing to the earned income of the family.”

    The link to the article is: http://dhaka.usembassy.gov/forced_marriage_definitions.html

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    Moipone,

    It had crossed my mind that your husband may have married you for immigration status, and his recent marriage was arranged. I didn’t feel comfortable in mentioning it to you as I know absolutely nothing about Bangladesh, the people and the customs.

    I google info just now to see if arranged marriage are prevalent there, which they are. I’d venture to say that he knew before he married you that there was a strong possibility he’d become polygamous, and he kept that information from you. I think the men who marry foreign women for citizenship/immigration knowing that their culture require them to marry in their native land are wrong when they don’t inform the foreign wife.

    How did you meet him? If I remember correctly, you said you have never been to Bangladesh, so I’m assuming you haven’t met his parents and family either.

    I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is for you not knowing what your husband’s true intentions were. I think it’s a terrible thing to do to someone. Ten years is a long time to be married to someone and then suspect that you’ve been bamboozled for a decade.  In arrange marriage set ups, family usually takes preference. Usually the man’s resources will go to providing for his family there. They become priority.

    If what you suspect is true, polygamy isn’t your problem. You need to know who this man whom you’re married is. Where do you go from here is the question?

  • Moipone

    May 7, 2016

    So true Anabellah think will hang in there for another week, yes not being Muslim makes it even harder. I might be paranoid or something but after reading your post https://www.polygamy411.com/the-danger-of-pakistani-men/

    Even though he is not Pakistani he is still not South African. I fear that he might have been using me to get paper to stay here think that is another factor making this harder for me. 

    I have told him that I think that he knew all along that he will get married to the woman his parents chose for him, he was just using me to get citizenship.  and he has denied it and he could be telling the truth or lying so this makes my situation more complexhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif

    I have known this man for 10 years could all that be all a lie?

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    Moipone,

    I don’t expect your family to understand. It’s one of the difficult parts. We all want to turn to our families in times of need and get their support. The support they generally give is not good because they don’t understand about Islam and polygamy. The wives themselves are trying to learn it and live it. An outsider won’t be able to do understand.

    If you need time away from your husband to get yourself right, then you should let him know and he should understand. I really don’t know what to tell you because you said that he will be gone for three months. Do you think you could hang in there with him until he leave or you need to be away from him now. You need to do what is best for you and your child right now.

    You’re in a difficult situation in that you are not Muslim and you’re tossed in a lifestyle that doesn’t represent your belief and is forced to live it. There are some Muslim men who marry non-Muslims, don’t require them to convert or practice Islam, but expect them to live a polygamous life. They can expect to have major conflict and all sorts of problems.

    We’re here for you to talk. Sometimes I get things twisted when I read the comments. So bare with me please. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    Moipone,

    I know what you’re feeling and I think most of the women on the blog do as well. One lady who was on the blog called being in a polygamous marriage “the mother of all pain” for women. It’s hurts badly. It’s a terrible, excruciating pain that can’t even be described. For some it takes years to be alright in a polygamous marriage and feel like oneself again. I totally understand what you’re going through.

    I don’t expect for a minute that you will read what’s on this blog from anyone and get it instantly and be okay with polygamy. It just doesn’t happen that way, as far as what I know. Women go on what we call a roller coaster ride in being okay with their condition (living a polygamous marriage) one day and the next day be a complete mess. They are up and down in emotions regularly. They become deeply depressed in the beginning. I think getting through polygamy is a process. At times it make one question her sanity.

    I get where you’re coming from 100%.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif

  • Moipone

    May 7, 2016

    Hi ladies 

    I understand Anabellah was just feeling that is being unfair towards me and my daughter and it gets me down so much that my mother offered me to come back home and my whole family is offering to help me raise my daughter, I am thinking at least that way I won’t sleep with one eye open and on the other hand I don’t want my husband to feel like I am punishing him.

    I need to be a happy person to be a good mother to our daughter and this house and being around him is depressing me and sometimes after work I don’t feel like going home at all. 

    My family is supportive but I can’t talk like I am talking to you because when I do they tell me to divorce him they have already hired a lawayer. I pretend to be fine around them and its getting to me 

     

     

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    Moipone,

    Please excuse me, I see you didn’t say he wants you to support him in taking  care of his other wife. You said he wants your support in the household.

    Usually when one wife works, she is in a sense helping her husband support the other wife/wives in my opinion.

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    I meant wives work work feel slighted sometimes, not wives who don’t work. I will change that.

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    There will be some wives who work and some wives who won’t in polygamous marriages. I think it’s what Taslyiman addressed. It’s okay that some work and some don’t  work because it’s what Allah decided for whatever reason.

    I understand that wives who work sometimes feel slighted and that they’ve got the “short end of the stick”. They have to come to terms with it. God Willing, they can stop working too, if they feel that strongly about it and let the husband provide for all the wives and household. If she’s not able to stop working because she needs the money then it’s what she’s got to do. It’s what Allah decided for the time being. Who knows what is in store for her tomorrow.

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    Moipone,

    About you feeling like a single mom, I’m sure it’s a feeling that most of the wives have when they find themselves in polygamous marriages. Most of the wives have children and they pretty much raise the children without the father when the fathers are with their other wives. Unless the wives all live together, which is not the Islamic way, the wives will not be with their husbands the way they were when the husbands were monogamous because he’s no longer monogamous. He’s polygamous. Wives must make the adjustment. It why it’s important to understand about Allah’s decree and accepting it and test/trial etc. that  that is a part of Islam.

    There are single mothers out there, as well, that have nothing to do with polygamy. They just were never married and have children, or are divorced and have children, or widowed with children and they do what they’ve got to do to make it work.

    Polygamy isn’t easy. There are sacrifices that must be made, if it’s to work.

     

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    Hello Moipone,

     

    Sorry about the misunderstanding. I think the majority of us were responding to the part of your post in which you said:

    I have told my husband that now that our daughter has started school I was thinking of being a housewife so that I can make time for her and help her with school.

    He is not happy with that because now I also help financially with the salary I get in the house, i have no problem with that but circumstances have changed.

    He wants me to work and help him with support while the new wife sits at home all day and gives full attention to their son and he sends her money every month which I understand.

    I feel like he is not treating us the same and fairly . my daughter needs my attention now.Am I wrong to be angry and frustrated by this?”

    https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-may-2016-discussions/#comment-16889

    In the comment you state your concern about your husband not being happy with you being a house wife because you help financially with the salary and he wants you to work and help him support the new wife.

  • Moipone

    May 7, 2016

    Hello ladies

    Spirited yes that’s what I said exactly, school is different there days they have assessment test every friday that why I suggested to him to work few hours for her sake as she is struggling. 

    The money I earn he does not touch goes into my private bank account but I contribute towards rent, food and I buy most of our daughter’s clothes because everything I ask him for money let’s say she needs new school shoes he asks what did I do with my money. That is why I was saying I feel like a married single mother. 

    This is not about the other wife, all I need from him is fulfill his duties in our house and provide and if I want to help out with my money its should be by choice not Force. I meant no harm to the other wife at all. 

  • Spirited

    May 6, 2016

    Salaam,

    Guys, I think moipone was saying she wants to be able to focus on helping her child with education & was looking for suggestions on how she could manage that yet since she is the main bread winner for her family, it would cause problems. I’m pretty sure she didn’t speak directly to where her money or her husband’s money was going. Her last post put it well — that she feels like a single mother although she’s married & has a living husband.

    Or at least that’s what I got out of it. Basically, her husband has to step up, or she has to keep working, but fewer hours. It’s no joke for kids in school these days. “Common core” testing frequency (and the inane things tested) has added IMMENSE stress to children, parents and teachers as well. (And some say the only benefit is $$$ for the tests makers & prep book publishers). https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

    Anyhow, I just wanted to point that out, seemed like the advice for her was going in a different direction that wasn’t directly helpful to her. (Or maybe I’m just really sleepy). ‘Night all :)

  • Number4

    May 6, 2016

    I meant Nation of  Islam….excuse the weird typo…

  • Number4

    May 6, 2016

    Naeem,

    If your following the Quran and Hadiths how can polygamy be a sin? Islam isn’t suppose to be different from country to country,  it’s one book,  one final messenger  (pbuh). Many issues with the religion stem from men who put their own spin on it which is haram. Many Arab men are misogynistic and have created crazy ideas of women and their bodies. Or feel it’s ok to abuse a woman, marry minors…etc… In the U.S. African American men created the Batioj Of Islam, the men take 5 wives! How is that accepted?  It is acceptable  because people don’t study, they follow men. Becareful of who you follow,  read the Quran and hadiths.

     

     

  • Number4

    May 6, 2016

    We often focus on polygamy in Islam,  but even yhe the Bible speaks of it….here is a recent news article on a Christian Minister who took a 2nd wife:

    • Thom Miller stated further into the article,  how is it that people accept gay marriage which God forbids and denounce polygamy which God sanctioned? I thought this would be interesting to post in this site. 

    A 60-year-old pastor has married his 19-year-old girlfriend with the full support of his 44-year-old wife – and now his teen bride is pregnant.

    Thom Miller, a former mafia enforcer who found god in prison, is now building a new house in their hometown of Mansfield, Ohio, with one wing for each wife.

    Belinda, 44, and Reba, 19, claim to both be perfectly happy with a life of polygamy, but Reverend Miller stresses that he is the only person in their relationship allowed to have more than one partner.

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2016

    Someone sent a comment/post that went directly into spam. I see why it happened. It’s an advertisement for a book. We don’t do free advertising here, so I didn’t approve it. Only certain links and referral are approved. All links are subject to approval.

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2016

    In the older version of this blog, a commentator did a nice write up about the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). She stated that one reason the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) wasn’t polygamous when married to Khadijah may have been because the wealth that he had was hers. It wouldn’t have been correct of him to go get himself more wives and use her wealth to care for them. It was the gist of what she said. How valid it is – I dunno. It makes sense though.

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I know what you mean when you said having history with your husband boosts your self-esteem. It’s sorta like a wife having a marriage license; it does a little something for her. Those type of things probably shouldn’t matter, but being honest with oneself, it does.

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2016

    Moipone,

    Ummof4 said, “As far as the other wife not working and you “working for the other wife”, the only way that that is occurring is that you are giving your husband the money you earn  to do with as he pleases.”

    It sounds to me that it may be the case with you, Moipone. The money that your husband has been sending to his other wife monthly could be the money that he normally had available to him to do what he wants with. Is the problem that what he wants to do with it now has to do with providing for another woman? It’s something to think about.

    It’s an interesting topic.

     

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2016

    In my last post, I meant to say “spare” funds, not “space” funds. You all probably was wondering what “space” funds are. We aren’t exactly astronauts LOL I’ve been making crazy mistakes lately https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif I suppose it’s because I’m writing in haste.

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2016

    I think everyone gave excellent input about Moipone’s question regarding finances. I agree with everyone who commented on it.

    It don’t think there is a simple blanket answer to cover it. As Moipone basically stated, things change when the variables change.

    A wife may have given up some of her right to be provided for by the husband. She may not insist on 100%. She may be willing to work with him because she’s generous, with a kind heart. She’s giving. The husband may then take what’s he see as space funds or a gift and go get another wife. Is it wrong https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    If it’s a gift, we know we can do what we want with a gift, if Allah wills it.  We know also that a wife who gave up her right to being cared for by her husband 100% has a right to ask for 100% care. Just because she forewent her right in the past doesn’t mean she lost it forever. A husband should consider it when he planning to add wives to his life.

    I don’t think there is any easy answer. Everyone must look at her individual situation and see what best works for her, as you’ve all said.

    A wife has to look at her reason for not wanting to help out any longer and be honest with herself. Is she doing what she doing to punish the husband and other wife? It may be wrong, as Jasmina stated.  I think Moipone’s husband may be unhappy with what she stated she wants to do – stop working – and take care of their daughter full-time because he thinks she only doing it to add stress to his life for having another wife.

    Who the co-wife is and what she is and is doing are variables, as well. If one has a jacked up co-wife who’s causes problems all the time, demands money and doesn’t work as a unit, but the other wife has been accommodating has given up right to full maintenance, she may be within her right to ask for full maintenance. She knows the husband has it to give because he’s giving it to the other wife. We need to make a judgement call when it comes to people based on what Allah says in the Quran.

    If the husband has a righteous good wife and the one who gave up her rights is righteous then she won’t mind helping her sister-in-faith by forgoing some of her rights and contributing. She may stand to gain barakats (blessings). In the previous scenario she may stand not to gain any. Allah lets us know who charity is for.

    It can get complicated. I agree with Spirited that by women being more independent, it paves the way for a man who are not suitable to be in a polygamous marriage to get in one.

    As Tasliyman said, each of us will only get what Allah has allotted for each one of us. We won’t get nothing less and nothing more. What’s for us will never pass us. What passes us was never for us. We plot and we plan, but Allah is the best of planners. He is the Master Planner.

  • Moipone

    May 6, 2016

    Hi Ladies 

    Thank for you support and advice its better than trying to figure everything out in my mind https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • ummof4

    May 6, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Moipone, you already had one solution to your problem.  You stated that you don’t like being at home all the time because it would drive you crazy; I’m like that too.  So you said you would consider a part-time job- it could be while your daughter is in school.  

    You are correct; as life situations change, it is necessary to change the dynamics of a marriage or any relationship.  Try to find a time when you and your husband can calmly discuss the change that your daughter going to school will bring.  Can you make adjustments in your budget?  And as you said, can he find a way to bring in more money to make up for the money that you will not be earning?  

    As far as the other wife not working and you “working for the other wife”, the only way that that is occurring is that you are giving your husband the money you earn  to do with as he pleases.  For example, if your income is used to buy food and pay utilities, then you just pay the food and utilities.  You said that your income “helps” your husband and the household, so it sounds as if you and he understand that the primary financial responsibility of the household belongs to him.

    I will make du’ah that you and your husband arrive at a solution that works for everyone.  As umm of 4 I understand the importance of mothers being there for their children with homework and school activities.  

    Everyone have a blessed Jum’uah wherever you are in the world.

  • Moipone

    May 6, 2016

    Hi Spirited 

    No I don’t want to depend on him at all, unfortunately my job requires a lot of hours, I will have to go job hunting to get a job with less hours. 

    I seriously feel like a married single mother. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

  • Tasliyman

    May 6, 2016

    @Moipone

    I had to smile when I read your post. For someone who loves being independent then suddenly wants to quit her job was a bit confusing for me. 

    Forgive me if I’m wrong but I think the true issue here is that you dont want to support the other wife.  Dont feel bad about that. It’s perfectly normal and you do not have to do it. 

    Rather look at ways to handle finances differently instead of quitting your job though. 

    I think money will almost always be a problem when one wife works and the other dont. 

    Just remember though that whatever we have or even dont have, comes from Allah. Not ourselves or our husbands. The other wife will get what Allah destined for her whether it is through you, your husband or wherever else. You will get whatever is destined for you by Allah. Keeping that in mind kind of keeps me grounded when it comes to arrangements with finances. 

    Dont worry about asking too many questions. Here are many ladies who will help or even just give a supportive word when needed. 

    It’s the great thing about being part of this blog. 

     

  • Jasmina

    May 6, 2016

    It’s tough decision Moipone

    at first I worked and earned and payed for everything and after a separation I came back and I don’t pay for nothing… Well I do groceries and basically all my money goes on expenses BUT I made it very clear I wasn’t going to work my back off this time no way. This is only because my money was used previously and I can’t forgive it but in your case as long as he isn’t using your money to buy her stuff then fine. Set boundaries, as long as he pays for rent, food and your necessities and splurges here and there then you are left to worry about your other expenses. It is hard living on one income, my poor husband works very hard and subhanAllah despite my stubbornness he hasn’t given up and works as much as he can. He is a bit stingy but he is loosening up, when he freely spends on me and stops expend ting me to take over financially then I’ll probably contribute more. 

    I do hope to make money from my business I started so I can buy my own things, that he won’t buy me like clothes. He won’t buy me much but Alhamdulillah he slowly is starting to do more and more and I appreciate the things he does no matter how small. I think that’s what it’s about for me, knowing that he cares and will do things for me even if it’s small. If I payed for everything and on top dealt with all the problems we have I would feel very undervalued, it’s sad as I had a great career but at the same time I’m enjoying my business even if it’s not profitable yet… I hope you can make a rational decision that is based on the needs of your household, and family and not based on a desire to punish your husband and hurt his other wife. But yeah men need to know they got to provide. Oh and if you stop pitching in yes don’t become dependant on him still do something where you can save should things get rough one day.

  • Spirited

    May 6, 2016

    salaam all,

    @Moipone, I second Ana’s question to you — do you want to be financially dependent on your husband?  He doesn’t seem willing at all to take the full responsibility based on his answer.  It is, unfortunately, women being more independent that lets otherwise non-suitable men feel like they can easily run two or more households, ignoring that it’s not the wife’s job to provide for the family, it’s his!  When situations like yours come up, where the emotional, mental well-being and need for parental & motherly support for children comes in, the wife may find herself in a position where she can’t leave her job because the husband “needs” that income to support his polygamous life.

    I was wondering, could you maybe get your hours reduced at your job, so instead of full-time, you work part-time?  That might help with your tiredness and still let you have a source of income for yourself.  I wish I could be more help or have more useful suggestions!  https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2016

    I thought it would drive you crazy LOL I’m a bit lazy, nonetheless, I stayed busy doing constructive thing and I’m productive :-)

  • Moipone

    May 6, 2016

    Hi Anabellah

    That’s what my mother said I am working for the other wife, I don’t want to be dependent on him, I want my salary to be my own he needs to take care everything regarding us all by himself from now on because its not longer just the three of us and also maybe get a half day job not long hours because I cannot be a housewife it will drive me crazy..

     

     

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2016

    Moipone,

    I want to caution you to think it through thoroughly before you quit York job. Will you have your own income despite not working or do you have money saved of your own? Don’t feel you need to answer here. Just answer to yourself. If not, do you really want to become dependant on your husband for every thing? It wouldn’t be copacetic to me. Although I don’t work, I’m grateful God gave me my own.

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2016

    Ummof4, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    What are your thoughts on moipone’s question?

    Anyone have though about it?

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2016

    Hey, Jasmina :-)

    I’m glad you’re back, Sis. I like what you just posted – very helpful info.

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2016

    Hey there, moipone,

    This will be a short post from me cuz I’m on my phone and about ready to take my 6:00 a.m nap for 6 hrs.

    We won’t get tired of you. I like chatting with you.

    I think you’re within your rights to tell your husband that you want to be a stay at home mom now that your husband has taken on another wife. In a sense you are helping him to take care of his other wife. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a wife working to help her polygamous husband, if there is Unity and the wives and husband are working together as a family and has singleness of purpose. There would probably be a lot of blessings to reap from God in doing so.

  • Moipone

    May 6, 2016

    Hello ladies 

    Gosh I have so many questions I hope you dont get tired of me. 

    I work full time 8 to 4 by choice but my daughter just started school by the time I get home I am exhausted I have to help her with homework, cook and then get ready for tomorrow. 

    I have told my husband that now that our daughter has started school I was thinking of being a housewife so that I can make time for her and help her with school. 

    He is not happy with that because now I also help financially with the salary I get in the house, i have no problem with that but circumstances have changed.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

    He wants me to work and help him with support while the new wife sits at home all day and gives full attention to their son and he sends her money every month which I understand.

    I feel like he is not treating us the same and fairly . my daughter needs my attention now.Am I wrong to be angry and frustrated by this?  https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif

  • Jasmina

    May 6, 2016

    I love this blog also because I can express myself freely with women that are experiencing polygamy and there are no judgements. This isn’t something I can do with my friends and family. Sometimes you just want to vent, be heard, or get advise that isn’t going to be biased or you are not going to worry that you revealed too much to someone and then rumours start and only adds to the drama of my life. 

  • Jasmina

    May 6, 2016

    Tasliyman 

    i used to be so proud of myself because I thought I had a such a good heart and I never faultered or did anything wrong… Until I was tested with polygamy… I went through stages of thinking ill of others, or saying Sergio things to my husband. It was very bad but now I have more self control as I realise how much I am hurting myself each time I sin against someone. Tests make us prove our righteousness. Just because things get tough shouldn’t mean we put our morals and Islamic obligations down. It’s part of life to sin and get things wrong I guess as no one is perfect and if anyone I meet pretends to be angelic it’s complete bs, but then repening to Allah and staying away from wrong is what defines our true character. 

     

  • Jasmina

    May 6, 2016

    Layla

    i think that it is possible however very rare. we can never fully know what a woman is going through and when you yourself are dealing with so much it really is hard to put yourself in the other wife’s shoes. At the end of the day our anger should be directed towards the husband, but not the woman, you are right she would understand the emotional element of sharing a man, a man can never understand how much that hurts a woman.

    Unless a woman purposely marries a man just to hurt the woman but I doubt it, I think most women marry as a 2nd, 3rd or 4th to genuinely have a husband and family and live a happy married life.  Personally I couldn’t imagine Marrying a married man that I don’t even know, that would make me very insecure. One of the things that keeps me going when things get tough is the history my husband and I have, knowing that helps my self esteem… Lol just awful. Okay well I guess this convo is more suitable in the new post!

     

  • Jasmina

    May 6, 2016

    I’m here Ana

    it’s been a very busy week for me, finally kicking back for the week. There’s always so much to do. I have started spring cleaning the house and reorganising my storage areas like pantry, linen close and wardrobes. It’s keeping me busy and I enjoy it. 

  • Tasliyman

    May 6, 2016

    @Moipone

    It’s a pleasure. You’ll see from this blog that the things we go through is not as unique as we perceive them to be.  

    I was very surprised when I just came across this blog to see how many people are dealing with the same challenges I was. 

    I used to feel sorry for myself thinking I’m the only person going through this kind of difficulty. It helps to know we’re not alone.   Taking the advice of people who already went through the challenges and making the changes in your own life will do you the world of good.  

     

     

     

  • Moipone

    May 6, 2016

    Hello 

    @Tasliyman 

    Thank you for sharing you experience about the very thing i am struggling with it really makes such a huge difference. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    May 5, 2016

    Tasliyman, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Nice post!

    Don’t feel badly about exposing your bad behavior. You only let all of us know that we’re not alone. We all have done things that we feel badly about after we’ve contemplated it. On the older version of the blog, I wrote about many of the things that I did that were wrong. I don’t do those things anymore. I’m working on other things that I do wrong now. The important thing is to recognize the wrong that we do, regret, feel sorry about doing them and make an effort not to do them again. We have to repent, and seek Allah’s forgiveness and mercy. We may do something umpteen times before we get it right. Allah says He forgives again and again. He knows what were doing, are going to do and what we struggle with. He knows everything.

    We have to know and remember that a BELIEVER is one who repents. We all will sin. People can walk around pretending to be Holy and front for others. They only fool themselves. No one is free of sin. No one gets it all right. It’s annoys me to no end when people say oh, she’s a bad Muslim cuz I saw her doing such and such. How do they know the person didn’t go home and ask Allah’s forgiveness and mercy and doesn’t do the thing any longer? People are quick to label and they end up slandering a person today for something the person did in the past that they don’t do any longer. They need to take a good close look at themselves and all the sins they’ve done and not worry about anyone else.

    I’m hopeful all that we share here will help others avoid some of the mistakes that we’ve made. I like when you said, “hopefully it’ll help someone to avoid the same pattern and get out of the destructive pattern quicker than I did.”

    Thanks for sharing, Sis :-)

  • Tasliyman

    May 5, 2016

    @Moipone

    I used to avoid my husband when he was not home by not answering messages or switching my phone off.  In our case both families live close together so he never goes away for long though.  I used to fool myself into thinking that I needed my space or I’m too upset to speak to him or whatever. But the truth was that I actually just wanted to cause him stress and make him worry about me. 

     

    My true motives became apparent to me the times when I got upset because he wasnt even looking  for me and had no reason to be worried. 

    Alhamdulillah I have managed to stop that petty behaviour for most parts at least :-).   I’m ashamed now of what I did and I realise how unfair it is. I wouldnt want him to spend time with me while being worried about whether something happend to his other wife and that is exactly what I caused. 

    Wow, I’ve only realised just how wrong that was by writing about it now. 

    The other thing is that it might sound like a good idea but for most part you’ll be hurting yourself even more by trying to break all contact. Once children enters the equation this approach becomes even less feasible.  My daughter insists on phoning her father whenever she feels like talking to him. Whether I feel like talking to him or not becomes irrelevant. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

    I’m actually hesitant to post this because it kind of exposes my bad behaviour. But hopefully it’ll help someone to avoid the same pattern and get out of the destructive pattern quicker than I did. 

     

  • anabellah

    May 5, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All in Cyberspace

    Jaminah,

    Where you be at grrl https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif I miss you!

    Gail,

    I know you’re busy. I just want to say, hey.

  • anabellah

    May 5, 2016

    @Moipone,

    Thank you much for reaching out to Naeem https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    @Naeem, Abdul Kader, Welcome & Thanks for Commenting

    Yeah, it’s amazing how many Muslims are against polygamy. It’s because they let their desires get in the way. Most are all about self and don’t want to share anything. It’s about what they can get.

    If they read the Quran and Allah gives them understanding of it, they’d know that polygamy is a perfectly acceptable way of life. We’re told to follow the ways of Allah’s Prophets (PBUH).

    How could anyone frown upon polygamy when our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) lived it and he’s one of our examples. Allah says his prophets are our examples and follow their way.

    Sure, some men are not adept at it’s practice. It’s no reason to shun polygamy or outlaw it.

    Allah says don’t make unlawful what He has made lawful. If a man engages in polygamy for the wrong reason and is bad at it, then he will suffer the consequences. Allah sees and knows all things.

    Muslims who oppose polygamy oppose Allah. One doesn’t have to live it, but it’s wrong to dislike it or reject it. If one finds oneself in it, it’s because Allah put the person in it for His reason(s).

  • anabellah

    May 5, 2016

    I followed South Africa’s President Jacob Zuma in the news for a while. He’s a very colorful and fascinating person. I saved something that he said:

    Jacob Zuma, the President of South Africa, said something very profound when he married his most recent wife Bongi MaNgema. Specifically to his new bride, he stated:“Don’t close the door that you’ve found open. Those who came before you didn’t close the door on you and no one closed the door on them. So I expect you to do the same, he said.”He added that though he did not expect someone to knock at the door, when there is a knock, the door must not be closed”. He further stated, “I would like to especially thank my wives for warmly welcoming MaNgema. A family is built on cooperation,” he said.”

  • Moipone

    May 5, 2016

    Hi Naeem

    Its not that is not common it happens in black communities a lot like our President has about 4 wives and two ex wives.

    It just not practiced a lot  and yes its a considered a sin and disrespectful too, my family thinks that too with my current situation. 

     

  • Naeem Abdul Kader

    May 5, 2016

    Asalaamualaikum WRWB

    I am so shocked that there are so many sister that are ‘ok’ with the concept of polygamy. I am from South Africa and over here polygamy is not common, maybe even considered a ‘sin’.

    May Allah grant us the ability to follow his deen in totality, for in it, is our only salvation.

    Wasalaam 

  • Moipone

    May 3, 2016

    Hi 

    Wow Anabellah when you put it like that I didn’t mean to be malicious at all that was not my intention. Thank you for making me as that. 

    @Spirited thank you he will get over it https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2016

    Laylah’s post inspired me to write a post/thread https://www.polygamy411.com/is-a-wife-is-1st-2nd-3rd-or-4th-wife-better/

    Thank you, Laylahhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2016

    Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m so happy to hear from you https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif Insha Allah, you’ll be able to stop in and chat more if you’ll have some down time. It’s wonderful!

  • Spirited

    May 2, 2016

    Salaam girls,

    I hope you all are well!  I’m glad to see familiar peeps and new people too (welcome to new people)!

    yay for another month’s comments.

    @Moipone, I don’t think you’re wrong to want to protect yourself.  What you’re worried about does happen & did to me.  With a comdom, you should still get the same enjoyment (maybe more).  If anything, your husband might complain about it, but tough luck I guess!

    I should be able to be around more often than not for awhile :). See you guys later!

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2016

    Laylah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It was a very thought provoking post that you wrote. Especially the end in which you said, “Your commonality, is actually with your co-wives. At some point, preferably when you are in a good space, your goal should be to reach out and say, there is no one who understands better what you are going through then I do. Because there isn’t.”

    Unfortunately, many co-wives aren’t receptive to connecting even if it’s for their own good. They are adamant about not wanting to be bothered with the other wife. Acknowledging the other wife is somewhat like surrendering and they don’t want to relinquish hope that a polygamous marriage will soon end.

    If one investigates and learns the co-wife is not someone to associate with to begin with even if the co is receptive, it’s not a good thing. We have to be careful who we let into our intimacy, as Allah says don’t let those outside your rank into your intimacy. It’s a judgement call. Many of the wives and husbands are all about this worldly life and have no concern about the Hereafter, which is why there are so many problems in these marriages.

    It’s interesting that your husband says his other wife is an “idiot” which is why he married her. He must be attracted to that character flaw in her, which enticed him to married an “idiot” as he puts it LOL What a way to talk about his wife to his other wife. Do you wonder what he says to her about you? What type of term of endearment does he uses to describe you to her? Men SMH

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2016

    Alison,

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam :-) So happy to hear from you. Insha Allah, you’ll be well again soon. It’s always nice to hear from you, even if it’s just to say, “hey.” I know everyone has busy lives and don’t have time all the time to read the blog and comment. It’s okay. Get here when you can. It’s all good. It is what it is and can’t be anymore than it. No pressure :-) Love to you, my dear sister-in-faith.

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2016

    Moipone,

    It’s got to be very difficult on any wife who has a husband who goes away for months at a time to be with his other wife, even though his family is there as well. If it was just about family, it wouldn’t matter, but add wife to the equation and it makes a huge difference. There were ladies here on this blog who had husbands who used to do go away to be with their other wives months at a time. It has to be incredibly hard for the wife who is without her husband to get through. Then, on the other hand, some wives get used to it and it doesn’t faze them. They have to get psyched for their husband to return after the wives have gotten used to a routine. You said you are very independent, which you sound to be. It’s especially true with many Pakistani women whose husband are in the States. It’s the norm for many of them not to see their husbands for a year or more at a time. I suppose it has a lot to do with culture and what women are willing to accept.

    Do you really think it’s a good idea to change your phone number, so he can’t reach you? I’m assuming no one in his family would be able to reach you either. I don’t want to be morbid, but think about what ummof4 said; there is a chance that he could die while not with you. He could have a massive heart attack, for instance, and die and you can’t be reached. There was a lady here who called herself “Edith”. Her husband died when he was with her and she didn’t let the other wife know until he was 6 feet under. If your husband is Muslim, his family would probably bury him the next day. When would you find out?

    You really need to think seriously about whether you want to remain in the marriage or not. It sounds that you are looking for ways to make him suffer and to punish him. If you want the marriage to work, you are going about it in the wrong way. What you are doing won’t bring the two of you closer together. Do you want him to worry about you and what you’re doing in your country so he won’t enjoy himself in his country with his family and his other wife? We have to ask ourselves why we do the things that we do and be honest with ourselves. We have to remember that nothing good comes from something bad. My mom always tells me, if you dig a grave for someone else, you better dig two because the other will be for you. When we do something maliciously or with bad intent, it usually backfires on us. It usually turns on us. We end up on the losing end.

  • Moipone

    May 2, 2016

    Hi Anabellah 

    You have valid points about what I am going through I could agonizing about his soon to departure, I have asked God for a sign and I am sure he will give me.  

    Me not wanting to talk to him I think it will spare me the pain I didn’t tell him to his face not to call me it was something I will do on my own even got a new number I planned to use as soon as he got on the plane. Figured I need me time to think,without him pressurizing me. I really feel strongly about I will miss him yes but I believe I can survive it. 

    Disease is everywhere true that. 

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2016

    Moipone,

    About you hoping that your husband won’t come home and wishing that he would be gone right now, be careful about what you ask for. You just may get it and not be happy with it. It’s what I’ve got to say about that.

    I don’t know when he’s leaving the country, but let’s say, for instance, he intends to leave on June 1st. Say he comes to you tonight and says that he’s leaving at the end of this week. I wonder if you’d be happy to hear it or you would give him a hard time. Would you accuse him of not being able to wait to get to her, which is why he’s leaving so soon? I know it’s all speculation and guessing. You say you don’t want him to call you while he’s gone. I wonder how you’d react if he honors your wishes and not call you the whole three months. Would you feel abandoned and alone?

    You’re just going through a lot right now and it’s no more than what most women in polygamous marriages go through in the beginning. I’d suggest you stop trying to figure everything out in advance and stop trying to control things.

    See how things goes once he’s gone. Take it a day at a time. You could tell him not to call you and you may find you miss him terribly and need to talk to him desperately. Then what? You’ve cut off your nose to spite your face. Play it by ear and let it happen naturally.

    You’re not alone in how you’re feelings. I’ve been where you are being upset with my husband and I’ve told him not to call me. When I’ve done it in the past, I missed him and I wanted him to call.  I was unhappy, not all the time, but when I thought of him, I was. I was accustomed to hearing from him on a regular. He may have been hurt by not calling me, but I was too.

    Be mindful that he is your husband when you tell him not to call you. He has a right to call you if he feels like it, without you having to give him permission. You’re his wife. Husband and wife have meaning and rights. (I don’t like using the word “rights” because too many people get carried away with what a “right” is and make up their own rights LOL) I could understand you asking him not to call when she is around him and can listen to his conversation with you.  As ummof4 says, there should be some guidelines so that neither wife is being put upon wrongly.

    About the condom thing, it’s common for a wife to be fearful  that she’ll catch something from the other woman having sex with the husband. It’s not a irrational fear at all. There have been wives who were here who said they caught STD (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) from their husbands. A woman can catch it from a non-polygamous man, just as a single woman can catch it from a boyfriend. A man who is in a monogamous marriage, can cheat and his wife catches it because her husband had a girlfriend/mistress/prostitute. There are chances we all take in life.

    How enjoyable would it be for you to have sex with your husband wearing a condom? You’re supposed to feel safe with your husband and not need one of those. I would not say a woman is wrong or right to ask her husband to wear a condom if he gets with another woman in polygamy. She has to determine what is right and wrong about it. It’s a personal thing that she must decide (as in make one’s intention. Only God decides all things).

  • Gail

    May 2, 2016

    Jasmina,

     I read your post and I would like to also add if u are truly fine with polygamy then don’t feed into her nonsense.U just have to accept she is struggling with polygamy and everything that goes with it and may never accept it.

  • Moipone

    May 2, 2016

    Hi Anabella 

    Its okay that removed my site realized later that it might reveal my identity. 

    Ummof4 I am content with that now and I dont cry anymore and I find myself praying that he does not come and hoping he does not come back I even wished he could be gone right now. (Is that wrong?) I was raised to be independent and not rely on a man for anything. 

    Thank you for you advise pregnant wow I did not think about that. I guess there is nothing I can do about that its his life.

    But I have told you that when he gets back from then on we will have to use condom I will not take risk with my life, there is a lot of sickness of there and he seemed not well with that. Was I wrong to ask him to use condom? After all it is my health at the end of the day. 

  • ummof4

    May 2, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum Moipone,

    You sound like you’re in a good place.  When your husband leaves to go to Bangladesh, I advise you not to try to communicate with him daily.  Sometimes international communications can get messed up.  My advice is for you to be more practical – maybe every two or three days.  Set up a time that is convenient for both of you and he will know that is the communication time.  His other wife should also know.  Keep the communications short, she has not seen him in a while and wants her time just as you want yours. 

    If this is his first time away from you with his other wife, make sure you stay busy or your mind will start imagining all sorts of things, most of which will probably not be true.  Do not try to make your husband feel guilty for being away from you.  Handle your business at home as usual. 

    Also keep in mind that if he stays for three months, it is possible that when he leaves his other wife, she will be pregnant.  Be ready for that.

    Love you all for the sake of Allah and because you are all so beautiful.  I pray that Allah allows us to meet in the Jannah.

     

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2016

    Moipone, Hi there,

    Please note I removed your website info. that you included in previous posts/comments because it may be too revealing. If I should have left it there, please let me know and I’ll leave it there in your future posts, if you include it again. I wasn’t quite sure what to do.

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back as soon as possible to chat with you and everyone. I wasn’t able to read your post yet.

  • Alison

    May 2, 2016

    Hey asalam aleikum sorry missed the first one ? have a bad cold just in bed alhamdulila… Missing you all hope all is well 

    Anna i have missed you will try and follow up on the blog and keep in touch often in shaa Allah

  • Laylah

    May 2, 2016

    Salaam everyone x

    It is actually really interesting to read about women who are second , third etc wives. Two of my aunts are second wives. What ever you are going through, you sympathize and identify with the human condition. I always thought that the shared difficulty of polygamy would pull women together not polarise them into pulling as far apart as possible. I am sorry that you went through that Jasmina. There are days I feel that way about my husband’s second wife. She has made my life so hard in comparison to what it was before…I wish that she would leave! I do. It’s natural. But you get over that and you carry on. I was actually open to , I don’t know if this is feasible, being a family. Our children after all share a father. I have come to realize. You can’t create commonality.  Wouldn’t it be interesting if men were wise enough to choose compatible women? Even then, as modern women are we open to seeing the good and bad within each other to be accepting enough for friendship. On my side, no. But I know that I would have been, if I had been treated with respect and patience. In the end, I guess, there needs to be a mutual constraint, for any kind of amicability. I am not there. She is light years away from there. But Insha Allah, that should be a goal right? Or is that not possible, Jasmina? Number 4? Are previous women  too disgruntled? I am very…  Sometimes. I just need space to deal, then I try again. Is it wrong, to expect some understanding of that? The way I see it, we are not sixth century women, we have been imbibing Cinderella stories from infancy, making polygamy the least romantic thing to happen, if you were an only wife . I’m not saying that she must not exercise restraint. I’m just saying that chaffing against something difficult, especially if you are dealing with it alone is human. There are insecurities involved and a whole host of emotional trauma. I actually agree that if a woman is being truly catty cut her off. But I also think, that one should be continually aware of that person’s condition. It tempers your own. This girl who torments me so? Didn’t have a proper wedding. Her behavior meant that she couldn’t. My husband spends as little time at home as he can even though he is only with her, because he thinks she is an idiot. And, she isn’t very bright, that part is true, but should your partner think that of you? I feel too hurt to involve myself with her. But I feel bad for her. As a young woman, she will never know that marriage should be more. Ladies look at your men in a new light. Yes you love them. But they looked at some one they loved weeping her eyes out and married you anyway. That is not a tribute to you. They would do that to you tomorrow. They are able to dissociate in a way that we can’t. To get what they want. Your commonality, is actually with your co-wives. At some point, preferably when you are in a good space, your goal should be to reach out and say, there is no one who understands better what you are going through then I do. Because there isn’t.

  • Moipone

    May 2, 2016

    Hello 

    Its May already wow time flies. My husband is leaving for Bangladesh for 3 months in a week to be with the other wife and his family. I am taking deep breaths not to lose it and give him a a piece of my mind. 

    He wants us to communicate everyday and wants me to call him everyday. A part of me wants to cut communication until he comes back so that I don’t agonize of what is happening there. 

    Please advise ladies is me not wanting to talk to him while he is there selfish? 

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2016

    @Alison,

    :-( I made a booboo. I thought of you as soon as I realized that I forgot to put the May thread up. I know you would have intended to welcome in May if the thread was up on time. Hugs

    I think our lovely Ummof4’s was 1st this month. I’m on my phone now so I can’t confirm it. :-)

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2016

    Lol, I’m so behind with posts/themes etc here. I’m hopeful to be back to what was normal soon. Just been soooo busy… I miss chatting daily with everyone. Alhumdulliah :-)

  • Jasmina

    May 1, 2016

    I didn’t even realise it was may ?

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2016

    Number 4,

    It’s too funny. All day I knew it was May, but it didn’t occur to me to change the thread and usually I’m on top of it days before LOL

  • Number4

    May 1, 2016

    ana I didn’t even realize the post was still April….

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2016

    Hey There Everyone,

    I totally forgot to put a post/thread up for May. I’m going to do it now, Insha Allah. I’ll move the threads from today over there, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I’m so happy to hear you’ve got it ironed out and feel much better about everything. Just remember that everyday is different. We don’t know how we’ll feel from one day till the next. We don’t know until the day is here and we must make the best of it. Some days are easier than other. We know as long as we turn our full attention to Allah that He’ll take us through it and we’ll be okay.

    Love to you, too, my dear sister-in-faith https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif It’s all good!

  • Jasmina

    May 1, 2016

    I love you ladies!! 

    I sorted all out with my husband.  .  I’m so ready to continue and not let the other one play with my head.  In a way it was good this happened as I felt so hurt that I got a little more detached from him so I hope it makes it easier to exercise patience. Thank you so much for your support. 

  • Number4

    May 1, 2016

    Jasmina I’m glad you took our advice. Wusahhhh. 

  • Jasmina

    May 1, 2016

    Yes Ana

    i will try to do just that. Polygamy is so easy but people make it sooo hard. I sincerely hope she deals with her issues and is at peace soon inshallah because This is just too crazy to live with.  She is real good though, had me believing I was the problem haha thank you so much ladies for making me realise I’m not.

    yes hubby said he trusted me not to read his personal stuff So now he probably will change his email but I’m not fussed he will get over it, we have way bigger issues. Though out of spite he went through my phone and deleted a lot of my stuff so fair enough lol.  I promised him I wouldn’t go through his stuff again though. I do regret invading his privacy. But yes it was hard to see he deleted all our stuff. He had emails from me which he sent to that account from his old work email accounts just to keep them, so it must have been hard for him to delete it all. I cannot imagine how much sway she has, just when I think that it’s over there is more that he does. I need to keep in mind all you said.

     

  • Jasmina

    May 1, 2016

    Moipone

    thanks for your encouragement

  • Jasmina

    May 1, 2016

    Number4

    haha sacrificial lamb… No way. I do not and I certainly do not deserve to lose everything again. I did my time and I simply cannot suffer more, it’s hard my marriage but it’s nothing like it was on my own. It’s easy to get overwhelmed and just quit.

    Yes after a few more incident it’s become blatantly clear she is playing me. And has more people in on it too like her family whom my husband is constantly doing chores for and now his family also. So yes I guess that’s how she’d know if he is not here.    It’s just not subtle anymore, it’s too much, she deseparately wanting me to leave. It’s crazy to think I have to live this way but as Ana reminded me, it’s not going to be this way forever inshallah. 

    Okay ive done it and deleted her from all my social media and phone. And will ensure we don’t bring her up.

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to all out there in cyberspace

    @moipone,

    It’s nice to see you’ve joined the discussion. It brought a big smile across my face to see that you had commented.

    @Jasmina,

    I don’t think you revealed too much at all. It’s commonplace to hear that one co-wife is acting out against the other to upset the other and cause conflict between the other and the husband. So, you could be anyone; there’s no proof enough to identify you. I like the advice of all the other ladies who commented to you about your situation. You should take their advice: try not to look at anything emails, go thru phone, stuff like it, cuz it would only upset you and make things worse for you. If you manage his emails, you may need to come up with a different system. It’s weird that he knows you manage his email, but he has personal to and from her there. Maybe he should create a personal email to keep personal and business separate. You could suggest it to him. I totally understand how upsetting it is that he kept her emails and deleted yours. She seem to have a lot of sway over him and has it over you as well, anytime you react. Make sure you make it clear to him that you don’t want to discuss her or hear about her, unless, of course you do and then you’d only be tormenting yourself.

    Insha Allah, she’s working on herself and will get to the point that she realizes she is hurting herself and destroying her soul by trying to cause problems for you and your husband. Usually stuff like that backfires on the person who causes the mischief. Allah certainly doesn’t reward evil with good. You should see it that she is terribly unhappy. It’s her problem. She has to work on self to get better. Just because she’s all jacked up today doesn’t mean she will always be. Still, it’s her problem.

    At least you have something that she probably doesn’t have – a support group that can help point you in the right direction. She may have the support of her family and friends who may be giving her ill advice.

  • Number4

    May 1, 2016

    Jasmina 

    Wow..,your sharing your experience explains a lot more. The other wife is playing you and you are helping.  Stop answering her calls..stop communication with herm you’re not married to her.

    Perhaps there are times when he isn’t there but she knows he’s not with you and she uses this to hurt you too, so she pretrnds he is there, 

    Try to avoid the self fulling idea that he isn’t happy with you. You seem to almost feed off of your own discontent.  Do other things on your days alone, stay active in socialize with others. 

    Wanting to leave and staying are opposite actions, infact one isn’t an action..it’s just wanting to leave. 

    I think eventually any one will want to leave if they are being accused of something repeatedly.  Make a goal,  try NOT TO MENTION HER AT ALL.  ASK HIM NOT TO MENTION HER EITHER. (In a nice voice, not angrily.) 

    I don’t ask about the other 3 in my case, nothing unless someone is sick and he tells me, I say Sorry to hear that and I pray genuinely for her well being.  I don’t ask about anything,  it’s not my concern at all. I focus on how I’m doing,  how much fun I have with friends and my own family.  I also enjoy my solo time. I generally don’t get lonely,  I like myself. ( I actually used to get irritated when he mentioned another,  but I’m passed it now).

    There are times when my husband mentions some negativity between he and another,  I don’t respond,  because it’s his problem and whose ever else’s. ..not mine. I’ve learned to just not involve myself, I use to get hurt feelings. ..NOT ANY MORE, one year in and I have better insight.  My husband obviously values each of us, so I value me too and work on me. My knowledge of the religion,  my own health, my career. 

    We discuss politics, the presidency, world events.  We read the Quran together and discuss it. I value him and no one else matters. I’m sure your husband can’t have peace in the other house, she sounds dramatic,  so stop creating more problems for yourself…imagine having two households with drama..,not good. Delete and block that chicks number today! 

  • Jasmina

    May 1, 2016

    Ummof4

    Thank you so much for your practical advice.  I hope it won’t be too revealing for me to go into details but anyhow, It’s because in general I feel it because he goes to the other ones house more than mine. I know because she tells me everytime he is there and when he is at mine she will call me a hundred times and him until he picks up and leaves.

    Sometimes he switches his phone off.  I have been living this and dealing with it, however last week my husband got back from a business trip in Ohio and didn’t tell me, he went straight to the other wife’s house and of course she made me know about it. I didnt see him until the following day . Furthermore as I manage his business emails, I also noticed that he had deleted all my emails and photos from when we met up until today and kept all of his other wife’s emails.  He would always brag about how he kept all my emails because he loved me. So what does this mean now? That is my thought. Those two things went completely straight to my already broken heart and shattered it. I feel that he does not miss me, want me or love me. I do know deep down that she is doing all that she can to break us up and to think that it’s her causing this I get strength to keep going and not give up, but when I felt like he was the one that didnt want to be here I thought well then what’s the point in staying.

     

  • Moipone

    May 1, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum 

    Jasmina I know exactly how you feel being at peace with the thought of letting go. Don’t make quick decisions when you are mad and furious. And stop playing the my husband loves her more than you tape in your mind its very dangerous and you will be trapped and unhappy. Its a daily struggle you are not alone…https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Pray about it and keep busy. 

     

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for May 2016. We thank you all for being here with us. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussion. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the April 2016 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-April-2016-discussions/