Polygamy 411 October 2014 Discussions

Polygamy 411 October 2014 discussions

Welcome to our polygamy 411 October 2014 discussions. Polygamy 411 blog and support group is for all who have a positive interest in polygamy. We invite all to join us to talk about the topic. Feel free to talk about how it relates to your life. Let us know what you know of polygamy and others.

Our blog is not about how well anyone writes. It is not about punctuation, spelling, grammar, correct or incorrect English, or any of those things. Writing skills do not matter to us. We urge all to express yourself in a way that is easy for you.  We allow our writers to use symbols, as well. We limit distasteful, raw, or disrespectful language.

When reading our polygamy 411 October 2014 discussions, please be mindful that we are diverse

When reading our polygamy 411 October 2014 discussions, please be mindful that people from all over the globe are with us at polygamy 411. For many who are here, English is not their first language. For those whom English is their second language and they write here, it is amazing. It is awesome. We only need to know how difficult it was, and is to learn our own language to know what it takes for people to learn a foreign one. I’m fascinated by the writers here.

I admire anyone who can speak or read a foreign language. I have hope that I will speak fluent Spanish one day before I leave the planet. Allah knows best if I will. It seems there isn’t enough time in the day to do all that I’d like to do. I’m grateful for what Allah has blessed me to do. I am thankful for this blog.

I am so delighted to have you all join our polygamy 411 October 2014 discussions

I am so delighted for you all to join our polygamy 411 October 2014 discussions. Barring a few exceptions, we welcome all on the planet to our home here. Please share with us as much as you would like to share. Share what you are comfortable with. We’d like to know your thoughts on what you read here, as well.

Please note, we do not accept anyone who is anti-polygamy. We will not allow anyone here to ask people to hate polygamy. This is not a blog for those who reject polygamy as a good way of life.

Most people feel uneasy when they write on a blog for the first time. I remember the first time I wrote on one.  It felt strange. I felt as though people knew who I was. Today, many people know who I am. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. In fact, there is a kind of freedom in being known. Let loose. Don’t worry so much about what others think. Be you. There is only one you.

For those who have missed reading any of our Polygamy 411 September 2014 discussions or would like to refresh their memory, the link to the thread is: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-September-2014-discussions/

With all of it said, loosen up. Relax and let’s chat…

 polygamy 411 October 2014 discussions

polygamy 411 October 2014 discussions


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426 Comments

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone, :-)

    October 2014 discussions This post will end the October 2014 discussion forum. Please join us over on the November 2014 discussion forum.

    Just a friendly reminder that as of 12:00 midnight we’ll be on the November post/thread. An easy way to get to the Sept or Oct. thread is to go to the “general discussions” tab at the top of the page in the category listing and click it.

    @Laila,

    Your post had me laughing It’s true, initially it’s awkward having sex after losing one’s virginity, but then once one gets the swing of things and one is very young, one usually can never get too much sex. It was funny about your co too when she had her way with him. I think when women get older, most, NOT ALL don’t want to have sex every single day. Heck, sex is work. Some women work, have kids and the husband could be considered a kid, as he needs attention. I welcome a break and I don’t do 1/2 of what some women do. Let me tell you; menses isn’t a bad thing Silly Face

    @Gail,

    Your post was right on, lady I’m with you on all you said. You shed a different prospective on things.

    Yes, they were all into us before they married another. They did marry us. They didn’t divorce us either, so why make it a problem that we have when it isn’t one??? Excellent point you wrote, Gail.

    Women are more critical of themselves than men our of us. I read a book in which the author said a man doesn’t recognize women’s flaws most of the time unless we point them out.

    There are many men who love fleshy, healthy women. The more to love. LOL I’ve heard men say that. Some like skinny women. Some probably don’t care, skinny, fat or 1/2, as long as it’s a woman.

    Gail, you’re a prime example. Your co is 12 years younger than you, skinny and beautiful, yet he divorce her and married you. He still married to you and you’re not lacking for any love. It’s all good!

    I’ve heard the saying, God didn’t make any trash. Well, Allah in the Holy Quran says, He created everything in perfect proportion. There we have it…

  • Gail

    October 31, 2014

    Ana,
    Just checking in I read your and Laila post about Ina.I agree that Ina is at her lowest right now with her husband just getting married and her husband and the girl being so tacky with the cell phone pics.
    Here is what the first wife is not understanding in my view.Men do not look at hard as woman as we do ourselves.
    I know when I went through finding out my self worth went way down and I felt like a piece of crap to be blunt.Later on I started figuring out Hey what Heck I was good enough to catch that Fish/husband and he praised me back then and I am the still same exact person he married.Then I figured out it was not about the looks at all.
    I really think with men the bottom line is if some woman/any woman comes along and shows them an ounce of affection and they r around that woman long enough it becomes highly likely something will eventually happen.In nonmuslim men either they have affairs or divorce their wives but with Muslims they simply take a second wife.Think about it logically it can’t possibly be the wife looks or sexuality in my opinion in the majority of cases because he desired his wife and was intimate with her for year.I say this because if it was truth about the sex and the looks then how come some men take third and fourth wives?I honestly think it has to do with some woman showers the man with attention and yeah she is pleasing to his eye and he jumps on it.Other men want sex with more than woman and so they seek a second wife.My point is their are alot of reasons but the wife being old or fat I don’t buy it since she caught the fish on those exact same looks and body.
    I will say this My excowife she is 12 years younger than me and really beautiful and although I have been told I am very beautiful I am fat.It just so happens my husband does not like fat over skinny.Not that my husband left her for those reasons I am just saying be happy whatever u are.If u did not feel bad about yourself before polygamy then for G.D sake do not feel bad about yourself after polygamy.
    Allah/G.D made us all unique and I don’t want to look like my excowife and I don’t particularly want to be skinny.I am ok being me.I actually prefer it.I like the little kids saying that G.D don’t make trash!

  • Laila

    October 31, 2014

    Dear Ana. Lol!! So very true in regards about the vagina to another vagina. :) Actually this happened to me years ago when I lost my virginity to hubbs. I was so inexperienced when it came to making love and when I did get the hang of it, oh my God. I went mad. I was just waiting for him like a wolf at the door!! Then one day he just did not want it and being so young and all I questioned him. He cracked and said that just the night before as he was sleeping…. my co jumped on him and just screwed him!! By the way, my hubbs is old fashioned whereby if he’s sleeping, best is not to disturb him. He won’t yell or anything but he will not entertain too. Well he gave in to her and I saw how this was effecting him. This was when at some point my co was still having it with him. Now because she doesn’t…… I get the brunt of it. He comes home like a hungry wolf. Just the other day we had a talk about being civil in bed when he’s up. No grabbing. Well I do not plan to hurt anyone with my post but some men’s libido are strong. And I don’t think one woman alone can survive it. Yes I understand his needs but it can be thrice a week which to me I am okay with it, but sometimes I feel its too much. Times like this I ask…. why can’t my co also do some of her work in the sack?!!….

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    I don’t think the sex craze phase only effects new wives. I think Women who are already married think they’ve better amp up the power on the sex lives. They think maybe they were lacking in the area for the husbands to marry others. They seek to revitalize their sex life and they juice it up.

    A “new” wife, on the other hand hasn’t had sex with the man (I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt) and all is new and exciting. She knows she’s gotta give it all she’s got, so he would be mesmerized by her since she has a rival.

    So, now all the wives are in full swing, trying to rock his world. Consequently, the pressure is on him to perform. He may be getting more than he wants right about now or more than he can handle. What he thought was going to be pure bliss becomes pure Hell. He’s going from home to home, from vagina to vagina and he’s worn out… :-(

    Well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles. The wives get well need breaks He doesn’t get much of a break, unless he goes away on business or something.

    Now, it doesn’t always happen this way. There are some angry wives who married first out there who stop giving their husbands any. I don’t know what they think it solves

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2014

    Speaking of women thinking they’re immortal when young, when I was in my late teen there was a girl that did some modeling. We went to different high schools. I was in a show with her once. She was really into the modeling industry, where I was too shy and lacked self-confidence to really pursue it. Anyhow, she eventually ended up dating an infamous married man (mind you, none of us were Muslim) who was involved in the numbers racket (Gambling). He was driving the nice car, wearing the clothes, and flashing the money. She contacted the guy’s wife (I know this because my mom and the wife were the same age and knew each other) and told her that XXXX (the name of the husband) loved her (the model) and didn’t want her (the wife’s) old @$$. Of course, the wife was distraught. Well, eventually he divorced the wife and married the model. The model ended up having a nervous breakdown and then got addicted to Heroin and is all messed up. Last I heard he was still running around with other women. The moral of the story is that what goes around, comes around. People who do dirt get it back. We reap what we sow. What goes up must come down and whatever other saying is out there.

    In Ina’s case, the girl is having her little fun for now, but life for her will become nothing she ever anticipated. She’ll get a wake-up call. We all do.

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    I’m glad you imputed about Ina’s situation. It’s always good to hear the perspective of a younger wife, married second in order. It’s always good to get a variety of views to see if we’re all on the same page or whether we’ve missed something.

    I agree with you that Ina’s self-esteem is very low right now, which is understandable. Women whose husbands marry others begin to question themselves as to where and how they failed in the marriage. They feel as though they must have been lacking in some area. Others who know about it seem to have the same thoughts – that the wife was remiss in her duties in her marriage somehow. Her husband doesn’t help her feel better about herself, as he’s too busy in his new pursuits.

    I agree with you that the girl is probably simply testing the waters. Yes, she agreed to marry a man who is already married, but it’s not a woman’s dream. No woman dreams of sharing her husband regardless of what number she married in.

    This is all very, very new to Ina, as her husband is off marrying as we speak or already married. Ina’s going through the most difficult phase of living polygamy. She’s in the most painful stage right now.

  • Laila

    October 31, 2014

    I do not understand why new wives think that sex is the binding factor when it comea to their future husbands. Suddenly sex is the ultimate point in a marriage. Whatever happened to getting to know one another and knowing each others role? I am baffled.

  • Laila

    October 31, 2014

    Dear Ina. Luck would have it all my laptops aren’t functioning! So maybe I’m jinxed. So, I did read about the porno stuff and while he rest have given you their input, well as a second wife, this is my view on the whole fiasco. I really think that your co is testing the waters with you and the one getting the most benefit is your husband. Now, as much as we all love our husbands but when things like that come up, we just feel like boxing their faces in. First, because as a revert myself, I am sure to some degree, we expect some form of moral value from our spouse. We expect them to set the tone and the example of what’s right and wrong. The basics I would say. Lo and behold both are engaging in cybersex! Now, for me, it’s clear as day, that your co is getting a hold on him using sex. Why should you feel bad? Because you are older? …. come on Ina. Ive seen such beautiful and elegant ladies who are in the late forties and seriously, that’s what I want to be when I hit that age. Age is just a number. Your co too will age one day. Nobody is immortal. Boops do sag at some point ;) it’s all up to us to hit the gym, eat right and just feel good about ourselves. What you are going through now is a major low esteem due to her. I might be wrong but that’s what I read in between the lines. Do not ever ever sell yourself short. Why should you care if she decides to show herself on through the phone?! … If I were you I would say “nice body there dear, your parents know?!” ….. sorry its an evil thought but seriously Ina, do not care. Because by caring you hurt yourself and you hit rock bottom. If hubbs decides to play dirty by comparing then you compare him too! I do that all the time. I compare my hubbs to my neighbours hubbs who is so handy around the house. Yes, what I am doing is not right but seriously, sometimes advise does not work for some humans. It has to be something that bites. If I had a co like yours I would just ignore her and hubbs. Tell me, how long can this love phase go on? I was so in love at some point with hubbs back in the good old days, what he said was he gospel truth. Nowdays it’s so different. Yes I love my hubbs but I rule my side of the roost. I just do not allow him to feel that it’s always him calling the shots. I may come across as radical in my approach or thoughts but trust me on this one, she WANTS YOU TO KNOW ABOUT THE PORN. The little games new wives play. Its so tiresome. They want to marry a married man, but they want it all their way. They just want the first wife to feel stinky about herself….

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2014

    @Mari2,

    When I said you don’t want it to happen, I didn’t mean the wedding. I meant you don’t want to implode. From the sound of everything, I do believe you are okay with what is about to take place. You think they’re putting too much emphasis on the wedding, dowry and all associated with it.

  • anabellah

    October 31, 2014

    @Mari2,

    I like Gail’s suggestions. I’m thinking you expect them to be logical thinkers like Americans when they apparently are not. Your husband probably doesn’t know what you’ve got in the house, as he relies on you for it. Your mother-in-law just got here and, my guess is, she probably doesn’t know what anyone’s talking about; although her son spoke to her in their language, and asked. Your guess is as good as mine.

    I think you are probably stressed with everyone getting ready for this wedding. You’ve just recently had major changes in your life taking on the role of a full-time wife, since your husband divorced the other. You’re going thorough a LOT. What you’re going through is huge and I think you’re minimizing it all. You’re about to implode. You don’t want it to happen. You need to get in touch with your real feelings. You said you’re counting down. I hear ya. You need him gone quickly for awhile so you could re-evaluate the situation and de-stress. Did you say he will wed in Feb. If so, you’ve got a good, long while to deal this. You may need a mini vacation before then. It’s just my thoughts on the situation. You need a chill pill or something. Chill Pill

  • Gail

    October 31, 2014

    Mari2,
    Girl I really don’t about all that.Honestly my husband and I deal everything that comes in the home.I buy groceries and during the week if I run out of small stuff hubby grabs it at the store.We don’t have any drama over groceries.Honestly my husband and inlaws r amazed at me that I keep the cabinets and freezer stocked full of food as well as I do.
    Now granted everyone’s home is set up different.I am scratching my head wondering how come u r stuck dealing the groceries alone and how come your mother inlaw is saying u don’t need any food.Yet u don’t even have salt in the cabinet.
    U have two options 1.Deal the entire groceries yourself with the help of a daughter if u have a daughter or your mother inlaw if she can write.My 11 yr old helps me by keeping a grocery list or next time they tell u they don’t need anything then say ok and stop buy and grab yourself a burger and let them go hungry a few times and they will get with the program.
    I really like my setup alot I buy weekly groceries and if we run out hubby brings the small stuff.Not sure if u like that idea but it works for me.
    I never had the problem u speak of.I hope this helps Sorry.

  • Mari2

    October 30, 2014

    Neeeeed to vent here…maybe Gail can help me out (please all help necessary dicerning PAK DOUBLE-SPEAK). This is so petty but is making me angry. “The grocery list”: re-named Pakistani drama ENTITLED: “What do you need from the grocery store?”

    Scene One: M at work and arrives home. Calls Mari to say “Hi”. Mari asks “Do you or your mom need me to go by the grocery store on the way home and get anything? M confers in pushto with mom and states “My mom says we don’t need anything.” Mari: Do you have naan? M: no. Do we have fruit? M: no. Do we have tomatoes? M: no. Mari: How much milk do we have? M: “lil bit”. Mari: So we need bread, milk, fruit, and veggies. Yes? M: I guess. He guesses. So I go the looong way home and buy. Guess what? Apparently, we are out of salt. And the world has ended due to my neglect. Yes indeed. AND apparently all paratha was finished on tuesday but I failed to go buy more of that which I didn’t know was gone. Sorry. Counting down the days….

  • anabellah

    October 30, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    I just want to let everyone know that I’ve written three new posts about shirk. The links are as follows:

    https://polygamy411.com/shirk-the-silent-enemy/

    https://polygamy411.com/men-encourage-women-to-commit-shirk/

    https://polygamy411.com/polygamy-and-the-hidden-truth-about-shirk/

    Please note we will begin a new discussion thread on Saturday for November Discussions.

    I again thank everyone for being here and participating. The writers help make the blog the success that it is today.

  • alison

    October 29, 2014

    Hey all…ina I would advice that you stop reading emails from the “boy”…it wont bring any good..enjoy your holiday and relax….the picturesare between them and would advice to stop checking hubbys phone it will only hurt you..am talking from experience
    yyou have to think of you and the kids especially in their honeymoon period..it will pass stay strong and IGNORE mails from him just delete

    love you all hugs lo

  • Aishah2014

    October 29, 2014

    Ina,praying for you.i dont think your husbands journey will be as he envisioned.speaking from experience.the age difference and clearly just chasing lust-watch it will catch up with him.he will probably end up feeling older as he chases that youth.be strong,keep ur chin up,protect ur assets,thats crazy he would compare you and verbalize it.i know you are not jealous of anything about her!!!inshallah keeo praying keep blogging

  • anabellah

    October 29, 2014

    @Ina,

    One more thing. I don’t know how your husband thinks that he seeing the girl in naked sex pics isn’t a sin when Allah specifically tells women who they can be in a state of undress in the presence of. An “intended” is not one of the enumerated people.

    Since I’ve mentioned the ayat (verse) in the Quran, some people use the ayah wrongly to say a woman can’t be in the company of a man who is not one of the enumerated people. The ayah pertains to a state of undress. Allah does not prohibited the communication between sisters and brothers-in-faith. How can we have a brotherhood, if Muslims can’t communicate with one another. Of course in countries where Muslims act in a barbaric way, a woman would be smart not to be in the presence – any type of presence – without sometime of escort or protection. We hear in Pakistan men rape women and if four people aren’t there eyeballing it, she’s not believed and she probably will get stoned or imprisoned.

  • anabellah

    October 29, 2014

    Ina,

    Let me share this story with you and you’ve probably heard it before. I know of a man who had some porn pics of his other wife on his phone. The first wife snooped through his phone and, lo and behold, she saw nasty porn pics of his second wife. First wife took the phone and forwarded the pics to the other wife to let her know she (first wife) had the pics in her possession. First wife then forwarded the pics to a female friend of the husband. The friend was probably in a state of shock, and contacted first wife’s husband (husband of the wives). The husband quickly got his butt in his vehicle, left work and drove 90 miles to get his phone with the pics on it from his first wife. He had mistakenly left the phone at home that morning. Before the husband took the phone, the wife had forwarded the pics to her own phone and continued to re-send them to the second wife throughout the day. The husband asked the first wife why she was torturing someone that way Needless to say, the husband deleted those nasty porn pics of the unscrupulous wife. From what I understand the husband keeps nothing personal on his phone anymore. He learned his lesson.

    I’m not saying you should do anything like what happened in the story. It’s wrong and I know the woman has repented and asked Allah’s forgiveness – I know. The husband learned a valuable lesson,so did nasty girl.

    Ina, I think more than anything, you are simply disgusted with the type of woman Allah has given your husband as a second wife. I totally understand how you feel. I can empathize with you. You wouldn’t be a Muslim/believer if you weren’t disgusted with all that’s been happening between them. You’re aggravated with all that you’re going through in the course of him taking another wife when you have been selfLESS enough not to oppose him in re-marrying, as best you can.

    Ina, it’s all part of the test you’re going through. You could see it as a test or it will possibly become a means of agony for you. Some people take years to learn what you’re receiving from those who know here, and had to go through it themselves with no one to speak of about it that had gone through it.

    Ina, take baby steps. You’re doing okay, considering

  • anabellah

    October 29, 2014

    @Ina,

    You said you don’t care whether your husband deletes the pics or not, but are questioning his repentance. I could see you being more upset about your husband having those sex pics of the other on his phone rather than you being upset about whether he’s repented or not. His repentance is really between your husband and Allah. You told him that he should repent and ask Allah to forgive him for having sex pics on his phone of a woman who is not his wife. It’s all you could do, and leave the rest alone.

    Even when he marries her, he shouldn’t have the pics on his phone for all the reasons we have given on the blog. The phone with the pics could end up in someone else hands. Spirited spelled it out for you when she mentioned the actors whose phones were hacked and the sex pics went viral. Spirited mentioned your husband will be able to look at her in the flesh often enough when they are married.

    If the girl was descent, (which we know she is not) she’d be ashamed that he has the pics on his phone and they may land in the hands of someone who shouldn’t have them. No self respecting Muslim woman would want those pics out there like that, knowing the consequences – that they may land in the hands of someone other than her husband’s. You’ve seen them and you are not her husband. Wasn’t it the supposed boy who sent them to you. Your husband should not have seen them as the girl is not his wife.

    I’d be mortified if someone saw my naked sex pics. Are you kiddin me? And I have nothing to be ashamed of facially or body wise.

    Nonetheless, you should stop concerning yourself with your husband’s repentance and the problem of the girl’s pics being on his phone. He has made it loud and clear to you that he intends to keep those pic for him to view when he marries the girl. SIGH You’ve got your hands full. You know what you need to do, if you’re going to remain in the marriage.

    About him comparing you to her, he’s ridiculous. You and she are not the same age, nor in the same ball park of being in the same age category. What the heck does he expect? Someone could have compared you at her age to an older woman who has had kids and they’d notice a difference. It’s life. It’s reality. What did he expect? It’s not rocket science. The girl is young and never had any kids. If she lives long enough, she will be your age one day and will probably have kids.

    Allah may make her go through a living Hell when she gets your age, for all the crap she’s dealing you, if she doesn’t repent and Allah doesn’t forgive her. He could even test her in later years with the same or something far worse than what you’re going through. People just don’t think. She is young and probably just doesn’t know, as no one has schooled her. It amazes me when women think they’ve got something over another woman because of age when the older women was young once and the young woman will become older, as well, one day, if she lives long enough. It’s life. It’s part of transforming through the age of time. I just have to laugh about how ignorant people can be

  • anabellah

    October 29, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    @Ina,

    I don’t think your husband listens much to anything you say about the girl and the situation because he is blind to the Truth. He doesn’t see that the relationship he has with the girl is purely about “lust”. The relationship has nothing to do with Islam. It has nothing to do with worshiping Allah. Allah says numerous times throughout the Quran how when we follow after lust we will go astray. Your husband right now is astray, and only Allah swt can put Him back on the Straight Path, if your husband repent, ask Allah for Forgiveness and for help and guidance. It’s what needs to happen. You could talk with him about it till you are blue in the face and pass out; it won’t matter. You’re wasting your precious time and you’re troubling yourself with the problem.

    He’s not going to remove those nasty pics from his phone because he doesn’t care about anything other than the enjoyment he gets from looking at them. You said she hasn’t repented, asked Allah for His forgiveness and all the things that we are supposed to do. Why should she? She apparently cares nothing about Islam the same as your husband. Neither one of them, based on what we know, fear Allah. Allah is furthest from their minds right now.

    Ina, the best thing you could do is try to keep your mind off the two of them as best you can. It’s going to be tough for you, as you are just beginning on this journey and if you don’t turn to Allah and implore Him for help and receive His help, it’s going to be an earthly Hell for you. You can’t control him or her. You can’t control yourself for that matter. You need Allah and no one can stress it enough to you.

    Your husband and the girl are in their own world. They are lost. You have to try to hang on to Allah so you don’t get lost, as well. You’ve got three young boys and yourself to think of and care for.

    I’m not surprised at all that your husband badmouth you to the girl. It’s what many men do when they lust after women and want them. They do whatever it takes to get and keep getting what they want. The girl and your husband are wronging their own souls. They are the losers right about now.

    Will you ever see your husband the same as you used to? I doubt it and I think it’s a good thing. You need to turn away from him and towards Allah permanently. He should be an afterthought. I’m not saying be mean to your husband or disrespect him. There is no need for it. You simply have to see him as a servant of Allah doing what Allah has decreed for him (your husband) and get your priorities in order.

    Now, I’m off to the boudoir for some shut eye. It’s 8:00 a.m. here where I am. I’m late for my beauty rest LOL

    I didn’t proof the above, so please forgive any errors.

  • Ina

    October 29, 2014

    Ana, hubby said he’s stopped cybersex after repentance but he does not want to delete their sex pics.

    Hubby sent me text this morning to say he is going to stop comparing us even if it’s to comfort each of us. Duh? Told you this before. Told hubby if he is going to practice polygamy properly then he needs to be strong and not put up with any crap from either wife (thanks to the advice I’d gotten from this blog). He needs to do what he thinks is right and fair and not worry about what will make one more upset than the other. This is where he has gone wrong so far…like if he deletes the pics, the other will get upset. It doesn’t make any difference to me whether or not he deletes those pics – I am just questioning his repentance.

    Gail, hubby is Malaysian and they are not related in any way.

  • Ina

    October 29, 2014

    Dear Ummof4,
    I am glad you said what said because I was beginning to think it was just me who think they’ve been doing wrong. This is what I mean about (so called practising muslim) men being good at taking things to the boundary. Hubby said zina is defined as where is there is entry of the penis in the vagina so although he admits that he has been wrong, it’s not bad as it could be. Huh? It makes no difference to me but it’s a big difference in terms of the punishment one can receive under shariah law. Also, it was not a one time thing and they been doing it in my house, my bed, my shower just makes me sick to the stomach. She on the other hand does not regret what they have done, is not sorry and does not want to repent. Some of the pics my husband keeps on his phone are pornographic and I don’t believe that someone can truly repent and still keep those photos as memories. Surely if you repent, you’d want to forget about the thing that you’d repented for.

    LOL Ana, when husband and I was talking about his problem, I said if he has problems on their honeymoon, he can always run to the bathroom so they satisfy themselves like how they are used to.

    My husband has been badmouthing me to other to curb her jealousy (I am old, not loving, smaller breasts). He tells her that I am one who is jealous of her because she is new, fresh, beautiful, the best and I want hubby to love me the same way that he loves her. This is not true, I told hubby I am not jealous of her and he should not compare us or ask me to be like her. I told him a long time ago that he should not say bad things about the wives to each other but he wants to make things easy for himself in the short term and now it’s coming back to bite him in the backside.

    I do ask myself if I can forgive, forget and continue to love hubby after what he has done.

  • Gail

    October 29, 2014

    Ummof4,
    I agree with u 100%.I think I read years ago Monica L. Had married and moved to France I believe is what I read just to get away from the shame of the entire mess.
    he only screwed up thing on that whole mess is that Monica L.get called every name but a white woman and Bill Clinton gets nothing even he is a known womanizer.
    I think it is so special to wait until marriage and really make that commitment with your body and your life with your spouse.My kids r young but I have started this year to explain to them the importance of waiting until marriage.I think thats the key for parents to explain to the children while they r young and all the way up with the idea True love waits.

  • anabellah

    October 28, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    coco & Gail,

    Insha Allah, I definitely have to watch it (Norbit). I can’t believe I’ve never heard of it. I checked with Amazon and they have it. Insha Allah, I’ll order it, and watch it on a weekend with some popcorn and maybe with my hubs, if he hasn’t already seen it. It should be loads of fun. Thank you for letting me know about it.

    @Ina,

    I see what you meant in your previous post that your husband said he repented for what he’s done, but keeps on doing it. Although they intended to get married, they weren’t yet married while carrying on like they were, nor did they know whether Allah was going to actually let the marriage take place. We could intend all we want. We don’t actually know what will happen until it actually does.

    It should be interesting to see how it all pans out. He may be so used to having cam sex and whatever else, that it’s the only thing that will do it for him with her, as well. He may not be able to arise to the occasion for the real deal. Then what would he do? He’d have screwed himself royally.

  • anabellah

    October 28, 2014

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    True dat You are absolutely correct!

  • ummof4

    October 28, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    President Bill Clinton made much of the world believe that oral sex is not sex, and having oral sex is not adultery. Oral sex is still haram if the person is not your spouse! Sometimes people make no sense at all. So a male and female who engage in oral sex and do not engage in vagina/penis sex are still “virgins”. It’s all a bunch of decadent people trying to rationalize their sins.

    Sorry to sound so harsh, but I have heard this too often from couples that I have counseled. “We only had oral sex, not real sex.” The only difference between oral sex and vaginal sex is that it doesn’t result in pregnancy. Everything else, the feelings, the orgasms, the ejaculations are still there.

    Everyone, please reserve the use of your body for sexual purposes for your spouse only. Anything else is not correct.

  • Gail

    October 28, 2014

    Ana,
    I was going to also mention to u that your take on Ina’s situation could also very well be right.I do know one thing though she should not entertain whomever it is because she is giving them authority over her mind and there is no good that can come from it.Better leave that mess if u ask me and tell the person to buzz off.

  • Gail

    October 28, 2014

    Aisha,
    They way u were writing in your post I kinda figured it was a cousin marriage.It seems u understand polygamy 100% since u lived it growing up.
    I will say though since u r living in mix culture marriage where u husband will be married to his cousin u will have a unique experience that will be different than your childhood I would imagine unless your dad had a mix marriages and culture wives.lol
    I am curious how do u feel knowing that it is possible that they may have been already spoken for marriage before u were married to your husband?Would that bother u or not?Does it bother u that she is the families choice?Does it bother u if she talks bad about u behind your back and in Urdu or Punjabi to your face making fun on u and u would not know it?
    I am being Dead serious in asking u these question.I have a thousand of them but I just wanted to give u something to think about.Also u need to understand something.If your husband sends money back to Pakistan and is investing in properties like rental homes, businesses, personal family home,etc… will u get your fare share of the properties or does it all go to his pakistani wife and her children.I don’t know if u have thought of these things as of yet but I just wanted to give u some food for thought.
    Let me be the first to tell u since now I know it is a cousin marriage u r going to have to grow some tuff skin and DO NOT expect your husband to take up for u because remember he could not even stand up to say no to his family about marrying his own cousin.Do not expect that girl to accept u.She will be very nice to your face and cut your back that has been my personal experience in these matters.I am not saying u will have the same exact experience but lets face it woman in Pakistan do not like or accept Polygamy as a whole and they basically think the foreign wife is a sex toy or a whore for their husband while they do not consider cousin marriage as a form of incest.I have mentioned cousin marriages as incest and Spirit let me know it is not incest.lol But I think that is closer to being incest than me being a whore just being honest.LOL Thats my take on it.
    If cousins marry in USA they r called moon faced people and other states have made fun of Arkansas for being moon faced people/marrying their cousins so yeah their is a stigma attached with it.
    Now mind u as I am saying this I have nothing against cousin marriage to each their own unless like my cowife she tried to say I my husbands whore then of course I am going to stoop to her level and let her know she has no room to talk having a cousin marriage.
    I hope I didn’t offend anyone by this post I just felt like I should explain to Aisha how Pakistani wives justify to themselves about foreign wives.

  • Gail

    October 28, 2014

    Maidlover,
    Congrats on your up and coming marriage.Maybe u should consider sending your wife here to chat on the blog just an idea.
    I am really happy for your family and I hope it is going to work out beautifully for all of u.

  • Gail

    October 28, 2014

    Coco,
    One last thing u r sooooo right about my inlaws.They treat em as if I am the goose that has laid the golden egg for them.I have mentioned this many times on the blog and it drives me insane to be frank.I don’t want to be the goose that has laid the Golden Visa eggs but instead a member of the family.
    Sadly I do not feel as though I will ever be treated as a member of the family like everyone else which hurts my feelings alot.
    It feels very fake to me at times.I just want to be treated like everyone else.Don’t get me wrong my husband told my mother inlaw about my cancer scare and when she found out she started praying for me ASAP which i think is very sweet.I wish I could explain better but maybe u understand my feelings.

  • Gail

    October 28, 2014

    Ana,
    I second what coco said to u WATCH NORBIT it is one the funniest movies I have also seen.It is about this Black skinny guy and his fat wife OMG it is soooo funny!! I cried so hard on some spots my ribs hurt better yet u have to watch it with your husband!! Get some popcorn and junkfood and enjoy!
    Anyone else who has not seen the movie it is just a hoot watch it.

    Coco,
    I love the part where they r in the car and he tells her she has gained weight.hahahahaha My husband is skinny and I am fat so yeah I lovedddd lovedddd loveddddd that movie.lol

  • Ina

    October 28, 2014

    I have been forwarding all emails I received from the boy to my husband.

    Ana – apparently hubby and other have discovered many ways you can be sexual without breaking her virginity (e.g. oral, cybersex). This is why she thinks she can’t wait 3 days for sex because they were doing it regularly over the net when they are not together. So not surprising hubby was not able to get it up when he is with me.

    When I discussed the schedule with hubby I said he should not cybersex her when he is with me (out of respect more than anything else). He quickly text her to let her know this just so its clear between them.

  • coco

    October 28, 2014

    Ina
    Sister your on vacation! If it’s possible please disconnect yourself from social apps emails or anything that can lead to feeding that sadist in any way until the wedding takes place cuz after that GAME OVER. Just DON’T read or reply to him and lastly I can’t remember who suggested earlier for you to forward screenshots of whatever he sends you to your husband. Please do! May Allah give you sabar xo

  • coco

    October 28, 2014

    Ana
    Norbit is not a sitcom it’s a comedy film pleaseeeeeeee watch when your feeling blue I promise you won’t regret it! :) I’ve been trying to get started with scandal was suggested by a close friend but wanna get caught up with Grey’s anatomy, American horror story and homeland first! Will let you know once I’m started on scandal! :)

  • Ina

    October 28, 2014

    Well I decided to sleep on the problem at hand and not do anything rash. I agree that it’s best for me not to do anything and continue to ignore the boy.

    My main concern with my sister receiving the pics is the shame it will bring. Although, I haven’t done anything wrong, my sister will think it’s shameful for me to continue to be married to this man. It will cause tension between my husband and my family. It will cause my parents pain if they were to find out. They may put pressure on me to divorce him. I am already feeling fragile so added pressure is not going to help.

    Anyone the boy sent another msg saying he won’t send my sister the pics but he will call my parents instead. He said he got their number from my friend. The fact that he does give the name of my so call friend makes me think he is lying. My parents English is not very good so I doubt if they will be able to understand him so I am not so worried now.

  • Aishah2014

    October 28, 2014

    Maid lover i like that you ur wife and maid have all spoken.inshallah will work out.Ina i think your husband is definitely getting a taste of new wife erratic highschool behavior.yes forward the emails.

  • ummof4

    October 28, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ina, I said a long time ago when you first mentioned “the boy”, that he didn’t exist. He is either your husband’s fiancee or one of her relatives aor friends. I also agree that your husband only knows about him through his fiancee. LET HIM SEND THE PICTURES TO YOUR SISTER! YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG1 IF YOUR SISTER SEES THE PICTURES, YOUR HUSBAND WILL HAVE LOST HIS GOOD REPUTATION WITH HER, NOT YOU! ARE YOU AFRAID THAT YOUR SISTER WILL DO SOMETHING TO YOUR HUSBAND?
    I agree with Ana, ignore and do not read anything else that is sent to you and immediately forward all correspondence from this person to your husband.
    Husbands do not always make the best choices when they choose new wives. Some choose women of extremely bad character. However, it is not our burden to carry or share, bercause we are not married to these women with bad character.
    Ina, keep obeying Allah and asking Him for strength.

    Maid lover, the news is good news. As others have said, treat your present wife very kindly and be patient with her. She sounds like a woman that I would like to have as a friend.

    Allahu Akbar!

  • anabellah

    October 28, 2014

    maidlover,

    Another thing, I’m with you that you marry the maid regardless of what the relatives all think. This is a matter between you, your wife and the maid. It’s okay to let them know what you three intend, but as far as letting them influence your intentions – I say not. It’s what I think.

  • anabellah

    October 28, 2014

    maidlover,

    I am so happy for you. Alhumdulliah! What good news.

    I must say, it sounds like you have a wonderful wife. She’s seems so understanding and considerate. Let this bring you closer to her in love (but don’t love anyone more than Allah). I was advised by someone who words I value very much that a man usually will love his first wife more when she doesn’t stand in his way of marrying another. He loves her more for her selfLESSness. She put aside her self and feelings so he could have what he wants that is halal. It really is beautiful.

    I’d suggest you make sure you are attentive to your wife. She will need your patience with her now more than ever. You need to understand that she will go through a lot of heartache and pain, which is unavoidable. Try not to show your love and excitement for the maid in front of your wife. Try to be considerate of both women. You, she and the maid need to try to focus on Allah. I’m assuming you are Muslim. Allah will see you though this, and make it easier on all three of you and the children, if you come together as a family. Offer your salats together etc.

    maidlover, I am very excited for you. Thank you sharing the good news with us. Insha Allah, we’re here for you, if you’d like to talk at anytime.

    Allah is Great!!!

  • maidlover

    October 28, 2014

    Ana Good news my wife has agreed for my marriage with the maid we had a discussion with me my wife for two days and third day with the maid .maid agreed to the discussions .yesterday while me and my maid was at kitchen my wife came and told us that she doent have a problem in our marriage.maid told her that she will look after the family well in her absence like looking after the kids and household chores she also informed we will let you know the marrige date and invited her for our marriage. maid Is very happy but I was in a mixed mind I went to my wife and asked her whether she took the decision from her heart She was sad initially my choice was good as she liked the maid she is very good with the household work and also with the children especially my younger son she used to tell stories to him .he likes her . Will maary the maid next month my wife will discuss this issue with relatives this month will try for a consensus with them whether they agree or not I m gonna marry the maid

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2014

    @Ina,

    If you’re out there. Don’t worry about that girl and your husband. She is so not worth your time and the trouble. Don’t waste your valuable time on this earth on the two of them. I know it’s easy to say, but believe me; they are not worth it.

    You have to focus your attention on Allah swt and get yourself right with Him. I guarantee you, once you do, a polygamous marriage is a piece of cake. Your life will become better than normal again. You will find peace and contentment in your life like you’ve never known it before. Life is beautiful! You’ll get there

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2014

    Gail,

    About Ina, the boy and the girl, I don’t get the impression the girl is that clever. If I remember correctly, Ina said the writing style is totally different than the girl’s and it sounds like a boy’s writing it. I pretty much could tell the difference between a man and a woman writing on the blog; although the Arabic names sometimes throw me off.

    This is a wild guess on my part. I’m going to say this because I, nor anyone else here on this blog knows the girl, so before people say I’m backbiting her – I DON’T KNOW HER!!! and neither does anyone else here other than Ina.

    I’d venture to say the girl is a tramp. She’s a promiscuous, little ho and her father knows it. It’s why he’s marrying her off to an older, married man who has a family. She’s spoiled goods. The father probably has a conscience, and feels badly about what he knows Ina has to be going through due to the little trollop (his daughter). I think it is why the father made Ina’s husband agree he would not divorce Ina in order for the marriage to take place.

    The girl may have this male friend who has been infatuated with her, and does her bidding. He could be a dork or nerd who is smitten with her. I doubt he was ever a boyfriend in the sense of them having dated. He may very well be acting on her behalf. The girl wants Ina gone or maybe she just want to jerk Ina around. I’m sure she doesn’t want Ina’s kids. I’m sure if Ina’s husband divorces Ina, which I doubt he would do, cuz as you stated, he would have done so by now. But, I’m sure, if he divorced Ina he’d let Ina have the children. I doubt at this point it would be an issue. He’d be the one who would have to care for the children. Ms. Thang wouldn’t.

    Gail, it’s my take on it… LOL

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2014

    @Gail,

    I couldn’t see myself giving up my Marriage License so my husband could marry another and bring her to the U.S. It’s a woulda, coulda, shoulda, as I can’t see it ever being something I’d need to consider. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t be so inclined to do so. It’s just me. I’ve heard of women doing giving up their Marriage Certificate for a another woman to come to the U.S. and it’s way generous. I’m a generous person, but not that generous. The only way I intend to give up my marriage license is for my husband to divorce me, and never see me again in life. There is no coming back to me. It ain’t happening

  • Gail

    October 27, 2014

    Ana,
    I agree with u.I was way shyyyy before I had sex the first time.Honestly this girl acts more like prostitute than a virgin.I would have died to even talk about sex.
    Lets see how all this works out for Ina.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2014

    I don’t know how the living arrangement would be. I don’t think pops will be sleeping over in the dorms Laughing Happy Cat

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2014

    Oh, Gail, I think the girl is going or will be going to college in Ina’s hometown, which is how they can have a three day or less schedule.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2014

    Gail,

    I thought the girl and Ina live in different countries, as well. She did say she discussed a three day schedule with her husband. He went back and discussed it with the girl. She said she couldn’t wait three days to have sex. It baffled me because what does a virgin know about sex and wanting it. A virgin doesn’t know what sex is until she has it. Furthermore, how is she 25 years old still a virgin in Malaysia? She’s kind of old to be a virgin.

    It all doesn’t add up to me. I think the girl or Ina’s husband are lying. Anyhow, for them to do a three day alternating schedule or less, they must not live that far from each other. It’s a good question.

    Something is not adding up though, for sure. I remember being a virgin and virgins aren’t all gun ho about the first time from what I know, unless I wasn’t the norm. It’s way weird. The girl sounds like a wild one…

  • Gail

    October 27, 2014

    Ana,
    U would see alot more cutting to the chase with men using foreign woman for immigration esp… here in USA if the woman flat told their husband look if u remarry another woman while u r still married to me she will not be immigrating under USA law.She would then know very quickly if her husband was on the up and up.Either he would tell her ok he will travel back and forth or he will get his greencard or citizenship and divorce her.Either way I see it as a win win for the 1st wife.
    I will tell u American wives as far as I am aware if your husband marries u and then takes another wife without divorcing u he can not bring his second wife to USA.He would have to show your divorce certificate and your divorce date would have to be before he married his second wife.Immigration ask about all spouses and they have to be listed with dates of divorce.They do investigate it.
    You are under no obligation to inform your husband of this.If a husband ask u for legal divorce before he marries a second wife then u better think he knows the law and wants to immigrate his second wife to USA.
    I am not saying for u not to divorce him and bring the second wife to USA but understand this if u do decide to take that route u better protect yourself financially and get your home in your name and anything u can just in case him and second wife try to pull a fast one on u later on down the road.Best advice is simply don’t do it unless u want a divorce then by all means make him sign everything over and let him have his divorce and u walk away whistling Dixie! lol

  • Gail

    October 27, 2014

    Ana,
    I was going to ask to how is Ina’s situation suppose to work after this girl and her hubby marry.I am assuming they live in different countries.I was curious if u knew of their arrangements.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2014

    Sis Gail,

    If I’m not mistaken, I think Ina mentioned on the older blog here that her husband is Malaysian and so is the girl. The girl is not a cousin, from what I can remember. I think Ina said she’s Indonesian or was it Chinese? Ina, correct me, if I’m wrong. There have been so many people here from all over the planet that I can’t keep track any longer. I just love, love, love knowing people from different parts of the planet.

    Ina, if you get bored talking with the kids, we’re here to chat with you, Insha Allah.

    By the way,

    Laila & Maureen,

    Are you two still out there? If so, Holla

  • Gail

    October 27, 2014

    Ana,
    here is my thinking.I don’t think Ina’s husband is in on this,I think this is all the girl.Things don’t add up like Ina’s husband knows that this boy is talking with his wife and trying to mess up with his fiance.Logically speaking how could a man meet another man or know of another man and not confront this man.
    I know that sounds like he is in on it with the girl but my thinking is this.Ina;s husband is here with her and he has never met this so called boy and the girl has made up some whack a doodle story about some boy that is crazy in love with her and she tells Ina’s husband this whole made up story about this boy to where Ina’s husband now believes the girl really has this boy who is crazy about her.Now that serves a great purpose for the girl wouldn’t it because now she has made Ina’s husband Jealous and focused on her only(hint his attention is totally off Ina and thinking about her.Ina’s husband is jealous on this boy that does not even exist and has lost focused on Ina his wife who loves him and their children.
    I am pretty sure the girl is pulling all the strings and knows she is in control.She is very cleaver.
    Ina wonders why her husband is not paying her attention well no wonder why because her husbands brain 100% on little Miss Thang.
    Now the girls dad might have told Ina’s husband not to divorce Ina and that is all well and good but what did Daddy say about if Ina divorced HIM.
    Bottom line the girl is playing both Ina and her husband.She wants Ina to divorce her husband so her husband doesn’t look bad in her dads eyes and the girl gets Ina’s hubby all to herself.The girl is doing this for a reason.Could be plain out Jealousy or it could be for immigration I have no idea.Ina’s husband does not want a divorce from Ina or he would have done it already.Also it makes perfect logical sense that this girl is messing with Ina’s husbands brain and emotions by being sexual with him on the cam and sending him nudies of herself or what every pics she is posting him.
    I am curious to see what u think.Maybe I missed something but I read the post u pasted and unless I am missing something I think the girl is playing mind games and Ina’s is going to have to keep on her toes.

  • Gail

    October 27, 2014

    Ana,
    Do u know what nationality Ina’s husband and the girl is? Also is this a cousin marriage?I get lost in everyone’s stories and it’s hard for me to keep everyone straight and whos husband is what nationality.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2014

    Gail,

    I was thinking the same thing – that you and I was on the same page with this one LOL. It’s too funny!!!

    I’m really confused though, as I think Ina has spoken with her husband about this character (the devil boy). He is aware of the matter. If this boy doesn’t exist, do you think he and the girl are trying to drive Ina crazy, playing head games with her? Are they messing with her? It’s some serious sh!t that’s happening. Excuse my French. Sigh I’m concerned for Ina. I don’t know why her husband isn’t stepping up to the plate to protect Ina. Men can be real A Holes.

    Gail, I don’t know whether you read the following post from Ina that tells a bit about her situation. I understood a bit better after I read the post. The link is: https://polygamy411.com/october-14-discussions/comment-page-1/#comment-575

  • Gail

    October 27, 2014

    Ana,
    It seems u and I are on the same wave length when it comes to someone threatening us.
    Ana It sure seems to me from the little i have listened to Ina talk about this boy that is not a boy but the girl.I thought for a second maybe she had a brother that was doing it but no brother would ever talk about dirty pics of his sister so that rules out the brother theory.I don’t know I got a gut feeling this must be the girl and if it is G.D help Ina.

  • Gail

    October 27, 2014

    Ina,
    Listen girl that is no dang boy if the person is demanding u to divorce your husband.I haven’t been following very close on all the computer boy drama but if the person is demanding u to divorce your husband then it is from that dang girl.What u need to do now is be brave and tell her to Kiss your @SS and call her bluff.She is hiding behind this ID is my guess and not coming out in the open to your face and telling she is not going to accept polygamy.It seems the girl intends to be vicious and I am telling u straight DO NOT let your kids around her.I am starting to think that girl is a snake.I wish i had paid more attention to what u had said before about what all she was emailing u.
    Ina be brave now and tell THE BOY/future cowife straight to go to hell and u r not divorcing your husband now or EVER.
    Ina my thinking is she is toying with u at your expense and right now u r letting her.U must call her bluff or u r setting yourself up for her to walk all over u or worse in the future.She is not going to be a team player.She has two faces one where she is all smiles and acts as if she is a team player and then she has her other side where she is trying to be the boss and control everything.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2014

    Ina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m glad you got some time to check in with us. I’ve been on vacation plenty of times, had my laptop with me and blogged with all the good folks here. Being on vacation affords one an opportunity to blog more readily than when one is tied down with loads of things to do at home. Sometimes I need to get away from it though, being the admin of the blog. It’s like a full-time job to do it right.

    I’m sorry to hear your little fella got traumatized from going under water. Bless his little heart. Things like it happen. We never know how we’ll react to something, and the effect it will have. He may come around, and give it a try again in due time.

    Ina, that “devil boy” is one serious “whack a doodle”, as Gail would put it. I think you’re dealing with a serious nut job.

    I’d suggest you do one of two things: Either ignore him completely or be truthful with him. Don’t let him blackmail you. I hate when someone threatens to do something to me. To it I say, go the freak on and do it. Get it over with. Flipping the bird Ina, don’t let anyone control your life that way. It’s bull crap.

    Ina, I know you don’t want those pics sent to your sister, but if they get sent, you’ll be just fine in dealing with the situation. It would mean it was time for her to know and whomever else she tells. What Allah wants revealed, no one can conceal. The same with those people who leaked my identity. Allah decided it. It was time and I must go with what Allah decides. He’ll deal with the people who wronged me. The same thing with “devil boy”. Allah will deal with the psycho. The boy is only digging his own grave. What a miserable lot he is – a poor excuse for a human being. :-(

    The persons who will be most humiliated by the pics being sent would be your husband and the girl. They took the pics and the pics ended up in the “devil boy’s” hands. It’s not your problem. It’s not you thinking of leaking the pics. It’s “devil boy”, your husband and the girl’s problem. If anything, send a copy of the email or text, whichever it was, to your husband. Let him deal it. He’s the one who needs to be aggravated with it not you. Every time the little devil send you something, right away send it to your husband. I don’t care if it’s on his wedding day. Do it.

    Ina, if the boy has you doing things that he asks, he most likely will continue to have you doing things. People who do things like it usually don’t stop. They get a thrill out of the control factor. If you don’t ignore him, then tell him straight – you ain’t divorcing your husband and he could do whatever he’d like with the pics. He could take those pics and shove them up his @$$ for all you care. They aren’t pic of you. He could go straight to HELL!!! Don’t acquiesce to his demands. Don’t accommodate him.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to Everyone,

    coco,

    Hey there! I was thinking about you. I figured you was probably swamped with work. I least you got some time to watch something that made you laugh. not familiar with “Norbit”. I had never heard of it till you mentioned it. I don’t really like sitcoms. I have a weird sense of humor. I could be cracking up laughing when no one else is. I’m more so into movies or some series like “Scandal”, “Criminal Minds” and the “Good Wife.” coco, I pulled out the DVD of “My Cousin Vinny” last week and watched it. I laughed me @$$ off. It is one of the most funniest movies I have ever seen. I hadn’t seen it in quite a while. Was it Gail who said she watch it recently. I know someone here had mentioned watching it. It’s always good to hear from you whenever you could stop in :-)

  • Ina

    October 27, 2014

    Assalamualaikum everyone,
    I can’t stay from this blog for long. I am having a nice time with the kids. The weather is lovely and they love swimming in the pool. They don’t know how to swim but they’ve managed to do a few strokes in just 2 days so they are very pleased with themselves. I am proud of them too. The youngest had a minor incident on day 1 where he went under the water so now refuses to go near the water.

    The devil boy is getting desperate…he sent me 5 emails today. I can ignore all 5 emails but the 6th I’d just received, he threatened to send the pics to my sister. I don’t know how he got hold of my sister’s name unless my hubby mentioned to his wife to be in an email. My facebook is private so only friends can see my info. I don’t know what to do? Should I respond? He wants me to divorce my husband so should I lie to him and say that I will divorce husband because all that’s he shown to me? Would he stop doing what he’s doing?

    I really don’t know what is going on in this boy’s head…it’s seriously twisted. I don’t understand why he doesn’t send the pictures to her side of the family if he wants to try stop their marriage.

  • coco

    October 27, 2014

    Assalaamualeikum and a ENORMOUS hello to my lil polygamous familia!
    Hope everyone is doing fine :) I’m trying to catch up with reading your new posts Ana as I’ve been tied up with work. Btw I watched Norbit today laughed hysterically thinking about you! Knew you’d appreciate the humour ;) lol

    Ina
    I hope you are enjoying your vacaying with the kids but just wanted to make sure you give INA some undivided time as well learn to give yourself importance, value and love. Just like you’ve been giving your husband and kids for years, this trip is not only about enjoying with your kids but also about reviving YOU! I wish you all the contentment upon returning from this trip!
    Much love to you sister xo

  • Gail

    October 25, 2014

    Ina,
    I hope u have a great vacation.

  • anabellah

    October 25, 2014

    Ina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    I’ll make duah that you and your children have a wonderful, joyful, fun filled time on your holiday. Remember to seek refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed anytime a thought of your husband and her cross your mind. Do it until the thoughts go away. Don’t let your mind go there. Don’t entertain the thought for a not even one minute, Insha Allah. Enjoy the kids and your special time away with them. Have a blast!!! {{{hugs}}} I pray Allah keep you and the kids safe

  • Ina

    October 25, 2014

    Assalamualaikum Everyone,

    I will be leaving for the airport in a few hours and if I’m lucky I will be able to spend those few hours sleeping. We have early morning flight so need to get kids up before 3am. I just wanted to say thank you to those who have commented on my situation. Inshaallah, I will be able to check in from time to time next week. Enjoy your weekend and forthcoming week.

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2014

    Spirited,

    You’re correct. There was more than one actress. I can’t remember who the other one was. I think it was a married woman who had sex videos of she and her husband that got circulated.

  • Spirited

    October 24, 2014

    Salaam!

    @Ana, hmm I thought it was more than one actress? Well, I didn’t read into it, just whatever bits I skimmed through the headlines here and there, and a bit of a discussion between some family members in our little family group chat on Facebook. I’m not really into “celebrity life gossip” or whatever, but that example came to mind because its a very recent real world possible consequence of having such stuff on a device.

    Seriously though, a practicing Muslim shouldn’t even have such things to look at — in my opinion. I feel keeping nude/intimate pics of a spouse is a violation of privacy whether you keep it on your phone or keep a printout, or save it on your computer — all these things can be hacked/seen by a 3rd party. Also, I just feel that its in poor taste anyway, lol. You have your memory of your spouse and the brain is great at imagination if you need it. If you REALLY need an image of the spouse’s naked body, go home, get each other undressed and look all you like, from any angle and in different lighting. You can even touch! Amaaaaazing This kind of goes back to how Muslims are indulging in porn these days (which is a definite no-no). Bad habits are easy to pick up.

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    @Spirited,

    The actress whose phone got hacked was Jennifer Lawrence. She had won an Academy Award in 2011 for Best Actress in the movie, “Silver Lining.” I read the story of her phone being hacked. There was a nice saying I liked in the article and I put the saying in my phone. It’s, “Dont let shame own and define you.” Her sex photos on the phone were leaked, and went viral. The FBI got involved in the investigation.

    Muslims are foolish to have any porn or naked pics on their phone.

    Ina, I agree with Spirited. As long as they aren’t pics of you, don’t worry your head about it. Let them fall into whomever hands they may. It’s not your problem.

  • Spirited

    October 23, 2014

    Salaam guys,

    @Ina, I can totally understand what you mean. It doesn’t make sense, and I don’t think its all about compartmentalization, its just being stupid. He doesn’t know what is going to happen to his phone. What if he loses it one day? What if someone breaks into it and puts all those images online? If he has a phone that auto-syncs with online services, those pictures might already BE online and can be hacked and distributed. Do you remember reading recently about some female actresses who had nude pics of themselves on their own phones, and those were posted online? Their phones had been hacked, it wasn’t that they had accidentally sent the images to anyone, they were hacked. How does your husband know that won’t happen to him? If he wants to be stupid with those kinds of pictures, then let him enjoy his stupidity. As long as he doesn’t have naked or intimate pictures of you, you shouldn’t worry about it :)

    @Ana, you may be right. The way my husband behaves, it really does seem like he feels like he needs to cleanse himself. I really think he should work on his relationship with Allah to feel better about himself, but like most egocentric men, he thinks he knows what he’s doing.

  • maidlover

    October 23, 2014

    Thanks Gail your valuable comments will be considered seriously as i dont want to break my relationship with my wife Ana it Ok if you dont find Ive got it maid no hard feelings if i dont support your blog then what is my identity As it is for maid lovers like me. I like to be loved by women. That is why i want to marry my maid gf will post my wifes reply with 4 days. looking to start a new life with the maid She is also happy we both wait for my wife’s reply

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2014

    Gail,

    There is absolutely no need to thank any of us here for anything. Alhumdulliah!

    We are all one nice blog family. I can’t imagine this blog without you. You give good advice and you are soooooo funny. You’re a nice, personable person. No need to mention any thank you. We’re simply happy you received good results

    Now I can have some ice cream to celebrate your good news Happy Ice Cream Good thing I don’t own an ice cream truck; I could see myself being 300lbs if I did. I loooooove me some ice cream. I used to be addicted to it.

    Supper Happy Face

  • Gail

    October 22, 2014

    Ina,
    U r right about the sexual content on tv.I will not let my kids watch sexual movies or horror movies.I guess honestly I don’t let them watch much tv.Even the Disney channel the kids have boyfriends and girlfriends. .I have flat told my kids no sex before marriage.I am very verbal about it.I do not shy away from the topic at all with them and they know if they step out of line on that topic in the future they better not come back home.
    Seriously I doubt I would disown them but I want my kids sexually pure when they marry.I feel like sex before marriage is nothing but a heartache that does not need to be in most cases.
    I know I might come across as a hard but in some areas I feel a parent must be hard in order to get the point across.

  • Gail

    October 22, 2014

    Again I would like to thank everyone for thinking about me during my Biopsies and keeping me in your thoughts.I will never be able to truly express what it meant to me.
    I do want u girls to know a biopsy is not so horrible and there really is little to no pain involved if u ever have to have one even I had a biopsies on both breast at the same time.It was a needle biopsy I should add.
    I think Marie2 but have had something else since her boobs flet like they were run over by trucks I know they have different kinds.Needle biopsy is the way to go write it down.lol

  • Gail

    October 22, 2014

    Maid Lover,
    Congrats on telling your wife.I know that must have been very hard but u did the right thing.Just love your wife through this/her difficult time believe me it will pay back in dividends later on down the road.No compassion and love will go unnoticed.
    I will say this though not to burst your bubble but I think logically speaking your wife might feel it as insult added to injury because it is the Maid understand?Her own family will may very well give her 9 kinds of hell since it is a maid and may try to blame her in some way and obviously she is going to want to Kick your A$$$$$$$$ if u know what I mean.lol
    You know CRAP flows down hill right?
    I think u and your wife better come up with a strategy to handle the crap flow/family and inlaws before hand so your wife does not feel overwhelmed so much.

  • Ina

    October 22, 2014

    I was half watching a UK music award show whilst reading this blog (I like to multi-task ). The music industry now is so sexualise that I worry about my kids watching it. There was singer Jessie J performing her song “Bang Bang” wearing nothing except black bra and hotpants! Thankfully, this was on late at night so kids already asleep. She did a similar performance a few days ago on another show and this time it was shown earlier in evening so she wore a see-through mesh dress over her bra and pants (like it was more acceptable to younger viewers). We enjoy listening to music but the visual aspect of it concerns me and then there are the lyrics. So I think we have to be careful with the sort of music that our kids listen to or watch these days. Now I do sound like an old prude.

    Even adverts are nearly always about sex. Kids love to watch adverts too because it’s catchy and made to hold your attention. Hubby likes to make a big fuss about it and tell kids to look away whenever there are half naked women on TV. But we can’t away from it…semi-nakedness is everywhere.

  • Ina

    October 22, 2014

    @ Gail, so happy you got the all clear.

    @ Marie, it could be that your co-wife wanted your hubby to chase her/playing games because she wants to know how much he loves her. She must be feeling insecure about his feelings for her too.

    @ Didi, I think many people get the impression that the boy does not exist and made up by wife-to-be to hurt me. However, there are a few things which make me think he does exist but he is definitely not who he says he is. He knows a lot of details about all of us because he hacked into her email account.

    I asked hubby about the intimate pics he’s got of them on his phone and whether or not he feels he should delete them. My reasoning, he said he’s repented for those sins so why keep these reminders? He said he doesn’t look at them now but once they are married then he look at them without feeling guilty. I don’t understand this logic. Maybe it’s the compartmentalisation ability that men have which allows him to separate the pictures from how they came about. Maybe I am just being prudish. Also, if he deletes them then wife-to-be will complain.

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2014

    Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m not a man or husband, lol, but I’ll put in my 2 cents. Maybe he engages in some unIslamic activity with his other wife. He sees you as pure and clean and he doesn’t want to defile you. He may feel guilty, and not worthy of you. It’s speculation, but makes sense. He’s depressed, as well. He’s going through something. Even, if it’s not sexual, he’s going through a thing psychologically

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2014

    maid lover,

    It’s good to hear from you again. As much as I’d like to retrieve the post for you, I wasn’t able to recover, “I’ve Got It Maid.”

    You have good news, though. As long as your wife is willing to even consider that you marry the maid and the maid live in your home is huge. She didn’t outright reject it. Regardless, you will still marry the maid whether the maid lives in the home with your existing family or has a separate dwelling. You still have a rough road ahead of you, but it’s doable.

    I think there are a lot of pluses for you in marrying the maid. The children already know the maid and they like her. The maid is familiar with your family, as well. It would be nice if she could continue to assist with the care of the family, as she has been doing. Let’s see what your wife ultimately says about it. Please try to be way kind, patient and understanding towards your wife.

    maid lover, I’m very happy you are supportive of this blog.The way to go, man It means much to me for you to say it. I’m not at all surprised that people out there criticize this blog. Many people don’t like the idea of polygamy. Many people don’t like the TRUTH. They can’t handle the TRUTH. Many people criticized and ridiculed All of Allah’s Prophets for no other reason than they brought the TRUTH. So, I can only ask, why should I expect anything different? It’s par for the course. If the masses reject me, it means I’m doing something right. It’s all good. Alhumdulliah.

    maid lover, you made my day with such good news about the criticism this blog is receiving. You’re at the right place with the right people. You know what time it is (Marie, I want to say, Hammer time” LOL). maid lover, you’ve got it going on.

    To anyone who doesn’t like what we represent on this blog, I would say:

  • maid lover

    October 22, 2014

    Ana Sorry for the late reply My maid doesnt like the idea of divorcing my wife I wont do that.She wont allow it. She need polygamy becoming my second wife.i have talked with my wife about the maid and the relationship i had with her before marriage. She reacted I told her she could co exist with our family taking care of me our kids and the house. No need give her salary as she will be one with the family. maid and me could plan kids. My maid gf is not possesive so she can co exist with us. My wife will give me a reply after two days if it is positive will marry her if not i will marry her and will stay in a different house. I cannot leave my maid gf. Idea of marrying the maid is not for sex. I like to be loved so that i will get her love as well as from my wife. My children like the maid she likes them too. Did you find I ve got it maid in your blog I heard there is lot of criticism about this blog I want to affirm my support for the blog I hope to marry the maid soon

  • Spirited

    October 21, 2014

    Salaam all,

    Something I just remembered. I mentioned that my husband has been kind of depressed lately (but still arrogant) and he’s also been a few levels of idiot recently which I don’t feel like going into here. He said something yesterday, and I was wondering if you guys’ husbands have felt like this — he said he feels dirty and not worthy of being with me.
    I mean, I don’t know, that just seemed weird to me for him to say that all of a sudden.

  • Spirited

    October 21, 2014

    Hey all,

    @Gail, just wanted to say congrats for a good result! This may have been good for you in a way, because maybe you’ll be more alert for the future, and you may be keeping support of breast cancer research in mind, and that would help other women :)

  • Aishah2014

    October 21, 2014

    Gail happy for your news.yeahhhh

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2014

    Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I wrote this post and lost it, so it’s a quick rewrite. You had me laughing about the bun. I’ve never heard that one before about the camel’s hump.LOL
    When I first became Muslim, I used to read all kinds of elementary books about the dos and don’ts of Islam. I think the one book was entitled, “The Do’s and Don’ts of Islam”. It was a brown and white paperback book, if I recall correctly. Most of the information is not very important in the realm of things. It’s actually stuff that should be passed on or we pick up. Some of it is useful and makes sense. It definitely is not stuff that will prevent us from getting to Jannah/Paradise. We receive the information we need. It gets to us by someone telling us or we read about it.

    Take shaving for instance, I shave with whatever I feel like at the time whether it’s a throw away razor or an electric razor. I could care less what people views are about it. Shaving is shaving to me.

    Years ago I received a couple of emails from a couple different people who said I shouldn’t have music or pics on the blog. I said, Talk to the hand if you don’t like pics, don’t look at them, but I won’t remove them because you don’t think they’re acceptable in Islam.

    It’s unbelievable a person said you were an adulterer for wearing perfume. People have got nerve. They do exactly what they want to do, but want to call someone else out on something. It’s amazing, but it happens.

    Okay, I’m out…

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2014

    Yes, Marie, about your husband’s other, I do think you are over-reacting and you just need time to get over it. It’s okay though. We all do it. I know I have over-reacted many a times. The important thing is to recognize it and then we get better. Eventually we don’t make @$$es out ourselves as much and often LOL

    Your husband definitely doesn’t seem to have married a horrible person in other. I think you’re actually blessed to have her. She may turn out to be a friend of your eventually. Don’t rush it though and don’t discount it. Let it happen naturally. Allah says he could make those of us who are enemies today into friends tomorrow. It’s all good.

    I thought the dancing banana was cute for Gail’s celebration. I’m so happy for her. I was thinking of her all day, before she let us know the good news :-)

    Oh, well, I need some sleep. Catch you later…

  • Marie

    October 21, 2014

    Oh my gosh Ana, you used the dancing banana, my kids looooove it. ‘peanut butter jelly time’ (what they sing when they see it)

  • Marie

    October 21, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All.

    Jazakallah for all your reply. Writing it out certainly helped. I do feel clearer. Yep, guess I’m just going through the phases, as long as I’m going through them and not staying in them, Insha’allah I’ll be fine.
    @coco, they way you write is just beautiful, you certainly know how to make us feel better. My husband says pretty much what you said, I have a hard time believing, that he thinks I’m that great.
    @Ana, I’m glad you don’t think ‘other’ is that bad. I was thinking my husband married a horrible person. But you’ve been reading and experiencing, ‘bad co’s’ for a while. I’m probably over re acting, and holding on to the past to much. I gotta just let go.
    @gail, soooo happy for you, Alhamdulilah ( the praise is gods). Yes, it is turning me into a nut job. I think I can start getting over it now, now that iv spoke about it. It’s been eating me up.

    Hubz is back with me tonight, I’m excited . Insha’allah we will have three days where I don’t say anything about who he loves more.

    @ina, everything you said is right on point, I did have doubts, when I found out they still planned to get married, I had thought I’d ‘won’. Because this fight for My husbands heart has been going on so long, it’s kinda hard stop it. You know, my husband says the same thing, about how do you measure love. But apparently I “bleed” him for answers (yes he said that I “bleed” him).

    Most of you actually said the exact same things as my husband. Allah can change things in a milli second, so I feel the need to keep asking.

  • Didi

    October 21, 2014

    @ina I meant to say that your future co-wife made him up. That’s why I said I don’t think there’s any such person. Hope you didn’t misunderstand that. Hehe.

  • Didi

    October 21, 2014

    @ina what you said about not needing to be nice just to compete for the man is so true! Why should we women fight and compete for the man who hurt our feelings in the first place? Like Ana said, the husband will love who Allah wants him to love. If we are nice to him, then we should make it about Allah, not him.
    Yes, I agree about my husband being immature. He has high IQ but very low EQ. My mother said the same thing you said, about him not being able to swallow the truth hence the violence and irrational comebacks.
    Hope you dont mind if I wrote my two cents worth abt this boy who’s harassing you. I doubt there’s any such person. How is it possible he is sooo into her and knows all these personal stuff about her, yet she has no idea he exists and acts all excited about her handsome ‘secret admirer’. Sounds bull$**t to me. Sorry.

    @marie hang in there girl! It looks like you’re already doing the right thing, focusing on what’s most important. Allah. That needs to be my focus too. InsyaAllah.

    @gail yaayyy Alhamdulillah. That is great news, Alhamdulillah. I’m so happy for you. I also second everything you said about Ummof4 being wise and all. I feel the same. Hehe.

  • alison

    October 21, 2014

    Hey salam girl ganghope all is well was scheming through for gail message….mashallah am dooooooo haapppy for you and excited for your alhamdulila….

    the rest am sorry cant chat or comment individually but feel the rest have provided good advice and all..am also at a stage where sometimes I feel like I need to compete etc. .like I saw a photo of them on hubby’s phone and I was like you love her more blah blah and hubby is not a phto person but loves takijg the kids each time to be honest I hate taking photos etc but he was like she i childish and each time wants him to click photos of them he is like am more calm and mature but the jealousy in me clicks am lke maybe he thinks she is cute etc

    i Always want to be the favourite the special which is futile since he does love me and his actions prove it but we women sometimes i dont know what we want looool

    i Got to run am in th office. ..love you all

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2014

    Gail,

    Marriage being 1/2 a person’s deen is not indicated anywhere in the Quran, nor is it alluded to. It’s as though people are saying one must be married to enter paradise – that it’s a prerequisite. It is just is not so. What happens when Allah seizes one’s soul before before a person marries? 1/2 the person’s deen wasn’t satisfied, so what becomes of the person? There ares many examples to make the statement questionable. I already named a couple other example in a previous post. I go with what is real and unquestionable and it’s what’s in the Quran.

    I agree with you that men probably find different qualities in all their wives that they like. I believe man is polygamous by nature, as well.

    Insha Allah, I’ll write a post on favoritism.

  • Gail

    October 20, 2014

    Mari2 and coco,
    Thank u girls so much!!!

  • coco

    October 20, 2014

    Gail
    Awwww Gail I’m so ecstatic for you and your family mashAllah! What a sigh of relief eh? Mazel tov! ;) xo

  • coco

    October 20, 2014

    ummof4
    Just wanted to quickly point out how fascinating it is that your writing a book on polygamy! I wish you the best of luck and look very much forward to reading it one day inshAllah :) xo

  • Mari2

    October 20, 2014

    Gail…Mashallah for your cancer clear diagnosis!!!!!! I so very much understand the relief the results can bring!

  • Gail

    October 20, 2014

    Ana,
    I know I am soooo happy!!!I already started looking homes in Ohio.lol

  • anabellah

    October 20, 2014

    Woohoo Dancing Banana Gail!

    Allah u Akbar! Gail, thank Allah much!!!

  • Gail

    October 20, 2014

    Ummof4,
    Thank u for being so understanding towards me when I was in mental crisis.
    I am so thankful and happy it was not cancer.Words can not express.I know we all must go one day and I am prepared but I want to be around to raise my kids it my only thought and motivation right now.
    Ummof on a personal not I have never said this before.You and I don’t interact alot on the blog but I really do respect u more than u know.I know u have lived polygamy a very long time and I know u r a very wise woman.I just feel it very strongly about u.I think u r amazing and u have so much knowledge to share.I am very happy u r writing a book about Polygamy and how to do it up right.

  • Gail

    October 20, 2014

    Marie,
    I want to say something about this favorite business in Polygamy.I had this out with my own cowife many times to the point i wanted to bust her right in the chops to blunt.lol
    I flat told her why on earth do u care if husband loves me more than u because I and the kids love u.Hubby will come around in time but more important we r a family and I offered her to lean on me and trust on me that I would stick beside her through good and bad.
    I thought that was the right thing to do.I still think it is the right thing to do but if u girls are going to get caught up in who husband loves the most that is just going to make u a NUT JOB for no real reason.Let it be more love the one u r with type deal if u must since u two girls do not associate is my advice.I swear for the life of me I don’t know what this weird power struggle is u 2 girls are having but u both need to knock it off.There will never be any good come from it.It is just wasted energy.
    I wish u 2 would patch things up and see each other as a team instead of all this tension.
    What u both r going through is normal for woman but I am telling u from my experience it is not worth for.

  • Ina

    October 20, 2014

    @ Ana,

    Soon to be co-wife will be 25 next month. When hubby first approach her parents for her hand in marriage, her father agreed but on the condition that hubby doesn’t divorce me. It seems the boy saw this info in an email so he seems to think that the condition will be enforced if I ask my husband for divorce before the marriage takes place. Either that or the boy thinks the girl will be better off in monogamy so trying to get of me to make her happy.

    I mentioned to hubby 3 yrs ago that if we were to get divorce then the kids will stay with him because I don’t think I will be able to cope. He warns soon to be co-wife not to ever wish or ask that he divorces me otherwise she suddenly have to be mother to 3 active boys. Hubby said she was scared by that thought. Now I tell hubby that I don’t want to give up the boys and he ask me not say this to his fiancee (in case she gets ideas).

    Hubby doesn’t want divorce probably for many different reasons. Because of the argument over weekends, I told him he will probably end up spending more time with kids if we did divorce.

    I do get upset when I first see the msgs from this boy but I get over it quickly too. It doesn’t affect me as much as it used to, probably because its the same thing over and over again. Listening and reading Quran has helped me think about what’s more important in this life. I still have a loooong road ahead but I make duah that Allah makes it easy for me.

  • Gail

    October 20, 2014

    Everyone,
    The doctor just called me and I DON”T HAVE BREAST CANCER!!!!!!! I am so happy and excited u can’t imagine.Again we were driving in the car and my children started cheering in the background loudly.hahah
    My husband just said I told u so.lol
    Now our plans to move to Ohio can continue.I am so thankful for all u ladies here on the blog words can not express how much u all mean to me and how u kept my spirits high even when I was so mentally exhausted.
    I love u guys so muchhhh!!!

  • Ina

    October 20, 2014

    @Didi,
    I also tried the act of pretending he doesn’t exist. This is coping mechanism I have when hubby is away for long periods of time like when he is away for work, doing paperwork to be legally married in his country, his engagement and now his wedding. I find it easier to get on with my life instead of wallowing in depression which is no good for me, my children or my business.

    When he is around then it’s difficult to do and like you I am pleasant but try not to have any expectations. I know how you feel when you hear fans saying how good they look together. The same thing happens to me too when I see her posting things on facebook or when the boy tells me how my husband doesn’t want me and lies to me.

    It’s good to hear that you are being proactive and keeping busy. This will take your focus away from your husband.

    I think the reason your husband gets violent when you try to talk to him about his treatment of you is because he knows what he is doing is wrong but doesn’t want to hear/admit it. He sounds quite immature to me. A friend of mine said men don’t often mature until they are in their 40s (she was referring to my husband). Have you ever asked your husband why he doesn’t divorce you?

  • Spirited

    October 20, 2014

    Salaam guys :D

    @Marie, thank you for taking the time and writing out your feelings. I bet writing everything out helped you prioritize a few things, even if you didn’t realize it at the time. But basically, I think you’ve already figured out the issues you have, and Ana & Ummof4 have provided great advice/analysis. Overall, to me, it just looks like a case of wanting your husband’s attention like you said. Maybe a sense of keeping the upper hand, superiority. I can see my husband’s 2nd wife doing the same as yours. She seems to be continuing to do anything and everything she can to lead him around like an animal on a chain, making herself superior etc. Unlike your husband, mine looks like he’s readily made her his god, which is just pathetic

    Anywho, I think you’ve got your head on straight, and it looks to me like you know what the problems are and how to tackle them, no problem! I don’t really have much else to add about what you asked :)

    @Didi, oh I didn’t ask you to reveal where you live, no need to do that. I just said that if you live in an area that has a society like Pakistan or India, then it makes more sense why the people talking would be causing you more concern. Its really insane and prevalent over in those parts of the world. Thank you also for sharing what the first wife in that show you watched behaved like. The reaction that woman’s husband had is usually what you would expect from a man who has even an ounce of morality in him, unfortunately, morality seems to be on a decline these days. Especially if the man is infatuated with a 2nd wife, even the 1st wife’s care and attention would be ignored until he’s tired of the “new” of the 2nd wife. Just hang in there and feel your way through, your husband’s 2nd marriage is still new in the grand scheme of things, so it may take a bit more time for him to get a grip. I know its hard feeling neglected and ignored (or just used) but Insha’Allah, it wont’ last for too long.

    I’m kind of going through that right now with my own husband. But, I also noticed that my husband seems depressed himself. Oh well, I guess he’ll just have to deal with it himself since he’s the kind of person (like yours) who thinks he’s always right and everyone else is an idiot. He doesn’t even listen to his father much, just letting things go in one ear and out the other and you can plainly see the arrogance how he deals with people — oh wait, let me clarify — you can see arrogance when he’s interacting with other Muslims, but when he’s interacting with kaffirs/non-Muslims, he’s a subservient slave. Sometimes I wonder when he’s going to break out with “yes master” lol. Its just pathetic, but I noticed this seems to be a trait of Pakistani men also. Too many years under British rule I guess.

    Guys, have you come across this article?

    http://www.thestar.com/news/world/2014/10/13/indias_prostitute_brides_girls_raped_as_temporary_wives.html

    I was so saddened reading it, its an extreme example of the lack of morality, and men abusing religious rights for the their own gain. I wonder, where are the men who just simply NEED a second/third/fourth wife there? Why not save these poor children from a life of prostitution? Why do they only feel a desperate need for a second or third/fourth wife only when she’s a western woman? (as the majority of them do, it seems). Selfishness and egotism, that’s all it is, these days. So sad.

  • Ina

    October 20, 2014

    @ Marie,
    I think you stated the problem you have with your co-wife which is that you are scared losing the favourite wife status to someone who you know your husband cares a great deal about. Although you know it shouldn’t matter who is the favourite, deep down it matters a lot to you and it’s understandable that you feel this way. You have spent years wrestling your husband’s heart away from his first love and when he chose to marry you instead of her, that must have meant you have succeeded and became the one whom your hubby loved more. Doubts must have crept in about who he really loves more when you found out they intend to marry anyway. It seems to me that a part of your husband’s heart has always been with your co-wife, someone whom he never want to give up on. But Marie, your husband loves you too and part of his heart is with you also.

    In some marriages, it’s clear to see which wife a husband may love more but I don’t think that’s the case in all polygamous marriages. Sometimes, the husband may not know who he loves more. Is love that easily measured? Men usually don’t think about the scale. They just know they love their wives and as long as they are fair then they don’t even stop to think about this question of who they love more. They only think about it when forced to and then they can’t even answer it honestly for fear or hurting one wife over the other.

    My husband’s wife-to-be has already asked him that question “who do you love more?”
    When I heard this, I thought, she’s got some nerve asking that question. Hubby said he didn’t know how to answer and when he didn’t reply she said “why don’t you say the same” so hubby told her he loves us the same. I don’t feel the need to ask hubby this question because I don’t think he can answer it honestly to the person who is asking the question. What is important is how a husband treats his wife?

    I think you should talk to your hubby about some of things she does which annoys/upsets you like talking to your husband outside your house for a long time. Ask him if those conversations are really that important that it can’t wait until he is with her on her nights.

    By the way, I think men get an ego boost when wives compete for their love/attention. My hubby said to me why don’t I be nicer to him to compete with the other like other polygamous wives? I don’t see why I should compete. Will competing make any difference to who he loves more? I hate the thought of the man getting all the attention whilst the women are fighting and hurting over a MAN! There are more important things in life to focus on.

  • coco

    October 20, 2014

    Marie
    There’s so much I want to say to you but I have an early start tomorrow morning, so I will settle with a quick post to you before heading to bed! I’m sure it took a huge toll on you to revisit those bad memories to give us light on your situation, I thank you for that. In the Muslim world it is believed a woman spreads fitnah I would pull a huge face each time I’d hear that and would think well wowwwww that is such a sexist thing to say but after reading your post I won’t say I disagree at all. lol I honestly don’t blame you for not wanting to meet her NOW, you tried to reach out in the past she declined and the reason you chose to decline is not ‘tit for tat’ but rather why bother when she hasn’t displayed any sense of respect or kindness towards you only negativity and immense disrespect. I reckon sometimes your better off staying away from what only brings you tears, negativity or stress. She is just trying to spread fitnah between you and your husband so given if I were in your place I would politely decline as well and maintain a safe distance as I don’t feel she’s being receptive to make a understanding with you for the sake of a united family but rather as a game of spite and malice between you three. I believe ones sense of peace is very much necessary to function as a virtuous human being, wife, mother and so on. It’s commendable how your trying to sideline all the negativity, pain, anger and diverting yourself towards Allah where guaranteed solace is sought! subhanAllah your headed absolutely in the right direction! About being your husband’s favourite I don’t think you need to worry about your co being the favourite again as I think he’s already reached a conclusion comparing you both she may have very much been his first love, first to give birth to his children and first girlfriend yet 9 years later your the favourite one. What’s inside you he couldn’t find in all the past years with her, he loves the foundation of you not only from exterior but it’s what’s inside you that she is lacking and can’t fake it for him so I think she’s lost this battle to you already. Continue keeping your faith strong sister and trying to keep your heart purified, remember good NEVER goes wasted :) xo

  • anabellah

    October 20, 2014

    Marie,

    Based on all that you’ve said, I don’t think your husband’s other is really that bad. She may not be bad at all. I think you and she are simply going through what all women go through when they find themselves in a polygamous marriage. She doesn’t want to be a part of it any more than you do. She’s trying to find her own way of coping. Neither of you wanted the other in your now husband’s life even before all three of you became Muslim – when it was just dating relationships. This polygamous marriage is something Allah decided for all three of you. Now all three of you need to make the best of it.

    I’m sure she’s having a difficult go of it the same as you are having. It’s a bit easier for you, as you probably have more knowledge of Polygamy and Islam than she does. You have us, as well.

  • anabellah

    October 20, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone

    @Marie,

    Your husband’s other said you and he are deviants, yet she said she married him to complete 1/2 her deen. It’s funny LOL Face It is said (not in the Quran), “marriage complete 1/2 one’s deen”. Sayings are out there and people repeat them habitually, yet most people have no clue what they actually mean. With the 1/2 the deen saying, many people just go with the saying, and go get married. They may have married someone Allah says not to marry. The person may not offer any salats or only occasionally, may not fast, may not read Quran, may not eat halal or do anything associated with the worship of Allah other than say he or she is Muslim – but according to the saying the person has completed half his or her deen, just by marrying Well, I guess a non-Muslim completed half his or her deen just by marrying, as well.

    There is nothing in the Holy Quran to substantiate such a saying and Allah says He left nothing out of the Quran that is important for us. The whole thing with the saying is way weird.

  • Marie

    October 20, 2014

    Thanks for your replys Ana and ummof4. You know Ana, I had the feeling that it was purely because we both want our husbands heart. I didn’t want it to be just that, I wanted it to something else. I’m really working on that (not caring who the favourite is). I think if she had married someone else, she would see it that I had won. So she married him as well, now because her intentions were bad, she’s now paying the price.

    That was the main reason I wanted a meeting in the first place. To make it clear that I didn’t want to compete with her, I wanted us to all focus on Allah. For us to do it as a family. Now I feel I’m left on my own with my mission ( getting closer to Allah) which is fine, but I would have preferred for us to work together. she is going to continue in this race for for my husbands heart, then I’m going to sit down, then she will just be running the race on her own, problem is when I see/think she’s winning, I stand back up and start running. I just need to stay seated and watch her run off into the distance. Meanwhile my husband will be sitting on the sidelines watching us both. Probably thinking what are these crazy women doing, lol

    Ummof4, I have no idea what the agenda of a meeting would be now. I suppose if they ever propose a meeting in the future, I’ll agree. But for now I can’t think of one reason to meet and discuss anything with her. I’m going to get on with increasing my faith and growing nearer to Allah (although I may have a moan on the blog from time to time lol)

    If anyone else has anything to add, please do.

  • Marie

    October 20, 2014

    There are a few other things that make me question what she all about. While she was saying that didn’t want to marry my husband her excuses was. 1 they don’t go to the same masjid. 2. It’s not the easy option for her, she would be better off being the only wife. 2 hubz and I are not on the right path (our islam isn’t right). She called us deviants, innovators ect. In other words we (me and hubz) don’t call ourselves salafi.

    Later she said that if she married hubz it would make things a lot easier for her. That she wanted to complete half her deen. She only wants a husband. She not marrying for love.

    I don’t know why one would want to ‘complete half there deen’ with someone they consider a deviant. If she only wanted a husband, then why is she still not happy, she has one now. If its not about love why does it matter that he loves me more.

  • anabellah

    October 20, 2014

    Marie,

    It’s funny; I shut the computer off, was lying in bed, and still thinking about all you said when it dawned on me what the matter is. Your situation seems NOT at all very complicated.

    You and she are rivals. You’re competitors. In your eyes, she was the favorite once. Now you’re the favorite. You fear she may become the favorite again. Hence the problem.

    You need to get to the point where you don’t give diddly,friggin squat who your husband’s favorite is. You want it not to matter to you one tiny, little bit. Let her be the favorite and you not care or you be the favorite and you still don’t care. It’s all good.

    You want to be the favorite of Allah. Being Allah’s favorite is what matters. Being a favorite to Allah is what is important. Allah can bring benefit to you. All good comes from Him. You want Allah to love you. When you make it all about Allah everything else becomes superficial. One day you’ll wake up and think how foolish you were to care about how much your husband is more into you than he is into the other. What difference does it make really?You may find that once you make it all about Allah, Allah will turn your husband towards you and you will become the favorite without a doubt. You’ll probably think – oh, it’s nice – but, who cares

  • ummof4

    October 20, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum Marie,

    I suggest that you have a meeting with the three of you in a public place. Have a lunch together or go sit in the park, etc. Do not have the meeting at either one of your homes. Decide on the agenda for the meeting before it occurs and set up ground rules. No attacking, no cussing, no hitting, only discuss the agreed upon agenda. If one person does not follow the ground rules, the meeting is over. The reason that I say to have the meeting is so you will take the higher ground. You will be showing them that it doesn’t matter if she didn’t want to meet with you before, it’s okay to meet now. Your husband sounds like a reasonable, intelligent, Allah-fearing man. If she is trying to play games, he will notice it at the meeting when you are all together.

    I appreciate that you have given more background to your story and understand more why you feel the ay you do. Your husband married you first, but you always knew that he would most likely marry her as well, because he still had feelings for her and she is the mother of his children. Don’t be so concerned about who will have the heart of your husband, just share what he is willing to give.

    Everyone have a successful day trying to please Allah.

    P.S. Gail, I know what it’s like not to be able to think straight while awaiting results. I was not offended by you not responding to me about breast cancer. I was just biding my time and not making any more comments until you received your diagnosis. The offer still stands if you want to email me, Ana has my permission to give you my email address.

  • anabellah

    October 20, 2014

    @Marie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you much for taking the time to explain in detail what has been transpiring between the three of you. You explained it so well and I understand completely all that you stated. I can imagine what you’ve have been feeling and what you are going through. I think it’s a huge step you took in sitting down and typing it all out so it’s clear in your mind. I can’t see any fault in you based on all you stated.

    You said you’re working on being a better Muslim. I hear that. I’m with you. I’m working on me too. You said you’re not where you need or want to be. I’m in the same boat as you. I was just thinking the same thing about me. We can do this thing. We just have to make Allah our priority in life. We’ll be okay.

    If I could think of anything else to add, I will. I think you said it all, as far as I can see. Sigh Insha Allah, I’ll chat with you later. I’m going back to bed for a while. I should be back before noon. Thanks again for your insight. I totally get it. Stay strong!!! {{{hugs}}}

  • Marie

    October 20, 2014

    Ana, wa alaykum as salaam

    Im glad you asked the questions you did, I too am confused. I want to work out what the problem is so I can deal with it. ill try and state how I feel and then the facts of the situation

    you asked how is she responsible for the pain and hurt I feel. I probably didn’t make it clear, but I was referring to the hurt before they married.
    I was fine with the communication between them when it was about the children (their children) but, on the occasions when it was not about the kids, it did upset me. I would become angry when she would pick the kids up from our house and spend 1 hour talking to him outside. but when hubz would go to her house she would take the kids in an slam the door shut, call him names and say go back to your “happy family” or go back to your bi@ch. I feel that she only had long conversations with him at my home to annoy me and to disrupt the peace in our home in an effort to make us as miserable as her. (I never said anything to hubz or acted angry before they married) another point is, once my husband asked what he needed to do (within reason) to make it work between them, her reply was to murder me and son (we only had one child at the time) she also questioned weather the miscarriage I had was my husbands baby. so in short, I have never liked her, even before they married. I feel she is a game player, malicious, self righteous and spiteful. those feeling are nothing to do with the marriage as I felt that way long before they married.

    now about the marriage. if you remember me and hubz had made the intention to marry. I will point out that my husband has always said he would like to be with and take care of both of us (before any of us was Muslim)so him wanting to be with her was not a surprise. he was basically just waiting for her. so hubz went to tell her that we was going to marry, she said something like I want to get married as well. there is no doubt in my mind that hubz actually went to see if she would marry him as well. as you already know I said, no way,no chance, its me or her. so we (me and hubz) spent 3 days apart for him to decide. he decided to marry me and not her, I was under the impression that, that was it. we can move on. but I find out after 2 days of being married that they had an agreement to get married at a later date. I felt tricked and still do. So this is where the pain and hurt started, its was torture not knowing what would happen, after a lot of research and joining this blog, I knew I had to accept polygany for me. I told hubz to go ahead and marry her, ill deal with it. so I was ready, hubz was ready, but she wanted to play some more games and go back and forth, because she likes hubz to chase her, like he had been doing for years. when hubz gave up on the chasing, that is when she started with the txs. before she insisted that hubz talk to her father (wali) about marrying her, when he didn’t she decided to take it upon herself to have private intimate conversations with him. that hurt and upset me. they could have just got married.

    yes, in the beginning I suggested a meeting, she declined. I told hubz that I will be open to any meetings/phone conversation before the marriage. but after she declined I washed my hands with them and let them get on with it.
    after being wit this blog I felt I knew more about polygany than they did. I had heard other peoples problems and had the intention to prevent those problems for us. this is how I feel about that, she still thought that she could sway and control our husband, that she only had to throw a tantrum and he will do whatever she says. this is where the favoritism comes in. she WAS always hubz favorite, she was his first love, first to give birth to his children, first girlfriend ect. I had heard over many years how much she meant to him, how much better she was than me ect..she had always known that, which is why she continued to play games and make him chase her. but his heart has changed, this is one of the reason why I spoke of being the favorite wife often, in 9 years I had never been better than her in my husbands eyes. that hurt also. I feel I am holding on to that even though I know islamically it shouldn’t matter. I scared that his heart will change again, which is why I desperately want it to mean nothing to me. as she now knows that he (our husband) prefer me to her the only way she can gain control of our husband is to gain control of me, to befriend me, so I can twist his arm in giving her what she wants. this is why I will not agree to any meetings. also while she is busy trying to get her own way, im trying to be a better Muslim, I am no where near where I want or need to be. I don’t have time to play her games or discuss what time hubz should be back. its not my main focus. I need to figure out what is going on with me. I feel I am angry, bitter and frustrated with myself, if that makes sense.

    I don’t know weather I have made things clear or missed anything out. would really like to hear everyone’s opinions, no matter how harsh. no one needs to sugarcoat anything. id like to hear it like it is.

  • anabellah

    October 20, 2014

    @Didi,

    You’re doing really good hanging in there It sounds you’re doing all the right things. I could imagine it’s not easy reading about her and him or hearing people speak of them. Keep your focus on Allah swt and you will see things will get much better for you. Before you know it, hearing about them may not even faze you. To hear about them will become second nature to you. Just blow it (what you hear) off and don’t give it any time in your head. Once you go there (in your head) with it, entertaining the thoughts that come to mind of them, you’ve lost the battle for a while.

    You have to learn to control the thought waves of your mind. The majority of those thoughts are Satanic. It’s why Remembrance of Allah is the greatest thing in life. without a doubt. Allah says it in the Quran. Think about it. The remembrance of Him is the greatest thing IN LIFE, WITHOUT A DOUBT. Now that’s heavy!

  • Gail

    October 20, 2014

    Didi,
    I am happy to hear that u are already taking steps.Girl u just have to babystep it as I call it.I can’t imagine living in another country and not having your family to help u when u need a shoulder to cry on.
    Don’t feel bad ok it is perfectly normal to be upset when u are going through polygamy.It makes it even more difficult when u feel your husband is uncaring on top.U just keep blogging and don’t worry about what u write because as corny as it sounds blogging out your emotions knowing that us other woman have gone through the EXACT same things u have is medicine to the soul.Hang in there girl.

  • Gail

    October 20, 2014

    Ana,
    Oh no I would never blow anyone off on purpose.I must have missed where she wrote about her condition.

    Ummof4,
    I am very sorry my brain is just not working 100% these days.I sure hope u did not take personal against me.I am sooo Sorry.

  • Gail

    October 19, 2014

    Ina,
    Happy to know your dad is still fighting.Twice with cancer WOW is all i can say.That man seems to have no intentions on kicking the bucket anytime soon.lol

  • Didi

    October 19, 2014

    @spirited: yes, I know what you mean. I see a lot of these cases too..where the husband leaves his wife once hes made smtg out of himself. I guess I just never thought it’d happen to me. Hehe. Not that my husband is throwing me away, but you know..
    No, I am not in Pakistan. I dont feel comfortable revealing where I am, I feel that Ive given away too much information already and anybody who knows me would definitely recognize me in here. Thats a scary thought.
    Thank you spirited for commiserating with me about our husbands. That was very nice of you. Hope you dont mind me saying that. And you’re right. At times like this,to be able to move on, sometimes all we can do is focus on Allah. Im always looking for good behaviours that I feel like I can emulate. For e.g, I’m currently watching a polygamous show right now and I absolutely LOVE how the first wife reacted when she found out about her husbands treachery when he married his second wife secretly. She was furious of course, but so calm and collected in front of the husband..to the point that he felt guilty for tricking her. Hihi

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2014

    Gail,

    Yes, ummof4 did say she is a cancer survivor and offered to speak with you privately via email, if your diagnoses is cancer (however, we all begun talking openly about it). You just blew her off. I didn’t know whether it was intentional or not so I just shut up. LOL

  • Gail

    October 19, 2014

    Spirited,
    Thank you very much for making me feel better.

    Ummof4,
    I had know Idea u r a cancer survivor.I don’t remember u telling this information in the past but u can’t imagine how thankful I am to know it.If it turns out that it is Cancer then it will be G.D blessing that he put u in my path dear Ummof.I am so mentally exhausted now because it has been going on for a month now.I know i should be stronger and I swear I am really trying but a month is just to long to wait for any results much less Cancer results as I am sure u know.
    Ummof4 I can not tell express to u how excited and over the moon I am to know u made it though.I don’t know anyone that has been through this.

  • Didi

    October 19, 2014

    @gail: I was going to say the same thing that ana said before I read her comment. That you gave a fantastic analogy about the desert and the stone. Thank you for your input. I agree with what you have said, and I have tried doing it in the past. For example, I have told my husband that maybe we should separate for a while, just so that I can find myself and see what makes me happy before returning to him, but he has flatly refused. After he married his latest wife, I tried persuading him to not come home for a month; I didnt want to see him as I have no self control and was bound to ask qns abt her or check his call log to see how many times he calls her. I am crazy that way. Lol. but he got upset when I suggested that and told me he didnt intend to be barred from his own house and it was up to him to come and go as he pleases. So then, I tried to pretend that he doesnt exist even when he’s around but thats just very hard to do! I am currently doing what spirited has suggested. I am nice to him when he’s home but I try not to have any expectations. Dealing with this man is emotionally draining.
    A lot of people have also advised me to have my own life, to find my passions and go after them. And I am doing that, or at least trying to. There are times when depression sets in and I feel too lethargic to do anything, or other times when the kids start their whining and crying, and I feel extremely overwhelmed. Oh, I forgot to mention that I am not from the same country as my husband. I am from a neighbouring country. So I am totally on my own here. No scenarios where I can run and stay at a family member’s house when I’m upset. Hehe. But yes, I have tried to improve my life. I am taking classes for sewing and I have plans of taking more classes in the future, InsyaAllah. I have also started a business and I hope that takes off. Please make dua for me ladies. I actually have lots of plans and ideas of HOW to improve my life, make myself happy, distract myself..you know, things like that. But I have a lot of weak moments..like every time I remember how badly he treats me, or when I see pictures of them, or fans commenting on how they look good together..all these just sends me spiralling back to despair, back to square one..where I have to start all over again.
    This is why I decided to write in to this blog. I remember always reading good advices being given to others on this blog, and true enough, you ladies are real gems masyaAllah walhamdulillah. Thank you for all your advice . It resonates with what I’ve been thinking and doing as well.
    I must mention though, maybe I gave the wrong information, but I did not know about my husband’s character until I married him. I thought very well of him, all my family members did.

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2014

    @Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’ve been thinking about your post and scratching my head. I’m not sure how you think your husband’s other has harmed or hurt you. She’s Muslim. She has children by your husband. She took her sweet little time (years) making her intent and in marrying him. She finally married him. What does it have to do with you, as far as she being responsible for the hurt and pain you feel? She did nothing directly to you.

    Were you bothered by the communications that she and your husband had? They have children together and they’ve been known to always communicate even before you married him. They haven’t been married very long. I think you were the first one to suggest you three meet and she declined. Now she’s initiated the meeting and you declined.

    I think there is more going on here than you’re admitting to. You need to get to the bottom of it, as you don’t want to become like Kim. Kim made it seem she was all receptive to polygamy, and was going out of her way to befriend her co and be a good wife. Next think we know she’s divorce, and is going ballistic, taking her anger and frustrations out on people who haven’t done of gosh darn thing to her. You don’t want to be that person.

    You’re angry and bitter and I don’t think you know why or you’re in denial about why. Are you angry and bitter because he married her?

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2014

    @Ina,

    You have me wondering how old this soon to be co-wife of yours is (Don’t feel compelled to say). It’s just that she sounds very young and childish.

    First of all, it makes no sense to me that if your husband divorces you, he can’t marry her. Why wouldn’t he be able to? It’s nonsense to me for anyone to think they could just take a woman’s children because he has divorced her. If your husband wants to marry this girl and she doesn’t want to be bothered with your children, all he needs to do is divorce you, tell you to keep the kids, he will have visitation rights with the kids, and will support them. Now maybe it works differently in the country you live in. I don’t know

    I’m not saying the girl is pretending to be two people. I think you’d sense it, if it was what she was doing. I think perhaps she has a girlfriend or a close male friend who is in on it with her in playing with your head. I doubt the craziness will subside once he’s married to her. Things are bound to get far worse, as she apparently wants her husband all to herself, and doesn’t want to share which, as we know, is not unusual.

    Ina, as long as you entertain them by listening to them, you will be tormented and aggravated by those people. They have an agenda that they are carrying out and you are falling for the bait.

  • Ina

    October 19, 2014

    I don’t understand why the boy is so persistent in hurting me. He gave me the reason that if I divorce my husband then he would not be able to go through with the wedding. But the wedding is <2 weeks away and I have told him that I can't stop their marriage. Surely, any sane/decent person would give up on this mission by now.

    At the same time that the boy gives me "proof" that my husband doesn't want me, he is telling wife to be how good he will be to her. It's weird that a man will still want another woman knowing what she has done with my husband. I asked my husband if this is normal for most guys, he replied with a most definite not saying he would not want her if she's done this sort of thing with another man.

    It's does seem like the boy and wife-to-be are in cahoots but the scheme seems very elaborate. If this boy is another person then it would to be someone whom she trusts and is also someone who does not mind hurting someone who he doesn't know. If they are the same person then she is writing a lot of emails to herself. Also, she told ex-boyfriend over a year ago that she prefers to share my husband rather than enter a marriage with 3 kids to look after so it doesn't make sense that she would try to split us up now.

    Once they are married then this boy will have no reason to continue hassling me unless he is a sadist. I can't wait until this month is over!

  • Ina

    October 19, 2014

    @ Ana, my 4yr is just the cutest little boy. He is so smiley all the time. It’s amazing since I was pregnant with him when hubby first told me that he wanted polygamy. I was so in so much pain during the pregnancy that I was worried the effect it might have on the baby. Alhamdulilah, he has turned out to be the most joyous baby I could have wished for. Sometimes I think Allah blessed me with this child to help me cope with polygamy. My little boy is always asking me if I am happy or sad. If I am sad he says the cutest things to make me smile.

    @Aishah, I don’t know what we can do because we don’t know who he is. He is not making any threats so I doubt the police will be bothered with a minor nuisance like him. Hubby and I think it’s probably her ex-boyfriend but wife-to-be is adamant its not him (I think she is flattered with having a persistent “good-looking” admirer – ex-boyfriend is not as handsome).

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2014

    Aishah,

    You hit the hammer on the head when you said the soon to be wife has her own motives. There is no rhyme or reason for what is going on with “the boy” and Ina’s soon to be co. Why is this boy so intent on going after Ina, harassing her I’m at a loss in trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Why is “the boy” attacking Ina when she’s the victim in the ordeal, and has no power to do anything, other than try to keep her head above water to keep from sinking. She’s the one trying to hold on in the midst of this crap.

    The more I think about it, this boy may be in cahoots with Ina’s soon to be co. Maybe the two of them are trying to drive Ina crazy or make her throw in the towel and walk out on her marriage. For the girl to do nothing to stop this boy, it appears to me that she is in on it. If I was about to get married and some jerk was interfering I’d use whatever means necessary to put an end to what the petulant person was doing. Something is not right with all that’s happening to Ina.

  • Aishah2014

    October 19, 2014

    Ina basically the boy is a stalker.why can no one do anything legally about it?to prevent bother.like a no contact restraining order?thats kinda crazy behavior.your hub maybe should be concerned for his own safety,his family,and the wife to be.who seems to have her own motives..hmm.

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2014

    As for my enemies, the following is a good representation of how I feel about them LOL

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2014

    @Ina,

    I’m glad to hear your dad is still alive Alhumdulliah. By the way, your sons are at a nice age for you all to have a wonderful, joyful vacation. The little 4 year old must be a cutie pie. I’m soooo excited about your holiday. I get happy at the thought of others being happy, except of course for my enemies.

    About “the boy”, he sounds like a real whack job. The only words I have left for him is, I think he is scary.

  • Ina

    October 19, 2014

    I am sad to report that the devil boy is back with avengeance . Just hope it stops after hubby is married.

  • Ina

    October 19, 2014

    @Gail, My dad is still alive but he has survived cancer TWICE. Sorry if I mislead you. Even if the diagnosis is bad, it doesn’t necessary mean the end. The survival rates for breast cancer are very good.

    @Ummof4, my sons are 9, 8 and 4 yrs. I tell my husband the same thing that they are not going to stay as children for long and time will come when they don’t want to spend their days/nights with their parents.

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    @Ummof4,

    It is very good news that you intend to write a book about polygyny. It’s a good idea. I think the only decent book out there about polygyny is the one that a number of people from the blog have referred to from time to time – “Monogamy to Polygyny – a Way Through it” – I think it’s the title. Keep us posted on how you do with it and, Insha Allah, I’ll promote it on this blog once you’ve published it. :-) I’ll even come to your book signing

    @Gail,

    I like how Spirited explained the difference between brain cancer and breast cancer. She did good. One can’t remove the brain and continue to function normally as one can who has had a lumpectomy or mastectomy. It’s funny that Ummof4 and Spirited’s post got approved at the same time. Spirited spoke of a lumpectomy and Ummof4 said she had one.

    Well, tomorrow, you shall have the news. Hope for the best. Even if your diagnosis is cancer, there is a chance you could go the route Ummof4 did. Allah has blessed her to be alive and kicking. She’s well. She’s doing good things in the community and she’s about to embark upon a journey in writing a much needed book.

    @Didi,

    Everyone has given you excellent advice. I like that Marie advised you to try to find the lessons in what is happening to you. There are lessons we can learn from everything that happens to us. We should learn from the lesson and make our intent to do what we must to bring about changes in our live to make our lives better.

    I love the analogy that Gail gave about the stone. It was an excellent analogy. Like Ummof4 said, you knew your husband and what he was like before you married him. He hasn’t changed since then. He is the same man.

    Do you leave him or stay with him? I only know you dealt with the way he is for all these years. Do you want to accept that this is the man you married and leave him be? Let him do him (be the person that he is)?

    Do you leave the father of your 3 children, pick up and move on in hope of a better life (with new challenges)?

    Could you find a way to live with your husband and find things to do (have a passion) that can bring you a sense of fulfillment in your life? You’d have to determine what it is.

    I love blogging. I have a business that I’m finally launching. Insha Allah, Allah will give me good people to hire to run it, so it doesn’t monopolize all my time. Trying to worship and serve Allah to the best of my ability is really what my life is all about. Everything else will fall into place. You need to determine what your passion is. What makes you happy and look forward to getting up each morning to welcome a new day. Make Allah a priority and He’ll make everything nice for you :-)

    I know others have given Didi some very, very good advice, as well. The newer comments are fresh in my mind, which is why it was easier for me to refer to them. I don’t mean to slight anyone.

  • ummof4

    October 19, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ina, enjoy yourself on your vacation with the boys. How old are they? Soon they will be older and may not even want to vacation with you at all. So, again, enjoy!

    Didi, it sounds as if your husband has always loved having more than one woman at a time. So I’m sure polygyny was not a shock to you. A Muslim man who will have a girlfriend before he is married, is very likely to have girlfriends after he is married. Sometimes those girlfriends become wives, and sometimes those girlfriends are adultery partners. Didi, from what you have stated, you knew your husband’s personality before you married him, and it hasn’t changed. Only you can decide if you want to continue being married to a man with this type of personality.

    Gail, as I have stated before, I am a breast cancer survivor (I had 2 lumpectomies(operations to remove the cancer), seven weeks of radiation and take one pill a day). Unless you have been diagnosed with cancer, it is difficult to know how the cancer patient feels. I may speak more on the topic after you receive your diagnosis.

    Ana, I agree that we do not need someone on the blog who is always negative concerning polygyny. Even though we all go through our problems, we support each other in a positive way, and even apologize if we feel that we have offended someone. That’s what sisterhood is all about.

    This is the only blog that I belong to. I checked out a couple more sites that said they were positive about polygyny, and they pale in comparison to this site. The posts were not bad, it’s just that most of the bloggers talked about everything except polygyny. I am now inspired to write my book on polygyny that I already have outlined. My husband keeps telling me to make time to write the book. Since I only have a few hours a week to write, it will take me at least six months or more to finish, In shaa’Allah. I’ll let everyone here know when I’m finished writing and the book is published.

    Everyone remember to thank Allah today and every day for His blessings he bestows upon us.

  • Spirited

    October 19, 2014

    Salaam everyone,

    I hope your weekend is going well.

    @Gail, its understandable how you must be feeling. Ana already said it best, and you know you’ve got everyone here sending their prayers along. Here’s something to keep in mind though, don’t go around comparing what other people decided with their lives to your own :) One more thing I wanted to say, I don’t know if this will be insensitive, but I hope not. Even if you were to be diagnosed with breast cancer, you can always elect for a lumpectomy or mastectomy if it comes down to it and you could still live a good, nice life. With something like brain cancer, you can’t just remove the brain and continue living :/. My grandmother passed away a few years back due to brain cancer, and we saw how it affected her thought process, ability to understand, and so on. You could see it pained her to be unable to understand or even recognize people that not even a few months ago she did. It could be that the woman you read about wanted to spare herself & her family the heartache of seeing a loved one degenerate like that, but again, none of this applies to you. So chin up

    @Coco, thank you for the compliment! I’m surprised you remember who the first one to welcome you was, but your post brightened my day a bit :)

    @Didi, you’re not alone. People I trust for their advice and life experience flip-flop on me too. Sometimes they say trust in Allah and don’t give up on your marriage, Allah creates the pairings and you shouldn’t just break it up over nothing. Other times, these same people say my husband is a huge a$$ and should be kicked to the curb and thrown out of the country lol. I don’t listen to them anymore. I’ve made a decision and I’m going to stick with it. :)

    You also said that you feared that if you leave your husband, he will suddenly turn into a great husband for this other woman. This part kind of sounded like “I spent all this time and effort helping him into what he is, I spent my life with him when he was nothing, now that he IS something, and I leave, someone else will get all the benefit.” I feel like this happens alot, even in regular marriages. In regular marriages though, the husband would just throw his wife away with a divorce and marry again when he’s become something. But anyway, my point was that you shouldn’t spend any time thinking about what he’s doing with her, or them flaunting their marriage. You’re his wife too, you should be able to be proud of your marriage as well. Are you in Pakistan? Or a country like it? Its places like that where “what other people think” is a big deal. Try not to worry about what other people think. I’m sure they all have things they’re hiding and have their own problems. Maybe the people who go around gossiping are in haraam relationships, doing zina, dealing in interest or bribery. By talking about others and gossiping, they try to deflect attention off themselves. Don’t let them get to you :)

    My husband has recently been acting like a Grade-A dummy much like yours, so I can totally understand your feelings. But you have to keep Allah in mind, and that is probably the only way to get through it. Don’t change yourself to try to suit your husband. You stay yourself, enjoy your life with your kids — there are many people who want children desperately and aren’t able to have them, so enjoy them and stop wasting your time with them worrying about their idiot father. When he IS with you & the family, be as good and caring as you always were from your side and if your husband, from his side, is still being a jerk in response, then remember “Allah is always watching” so let him continue to dig his own grave deeper while you stack on the good deeds. Like Ana says, if its time for you to leave the marriage, you will know. You’ll know when you’ve had enough and its time to go, even if you still love him. So trust Allah, trust yourself, and be awesome :D

    @Marie, I’m not sure what kind of games your husband and the other woman are playing. You’re keeping your cool and moving along :)

    Well, I have a load of stuff to take care of, so I’ll check in again later. See you guys!

  • Gail

    October 19, 2014

    Didi,
    One more quick thing.Once u leave that Hot Mess alone and focus on what u want and need and desire and your inner peace an happiness you will start to notice everything will start falling into place naturally.You will no longer have to guess if u need to stay with your husband or divorce him understand?
    I will also say this Didi u know already by now your husband is a hot mess.
    Didi it is like u are so thirsty walking in the desert and u see this oasis(your husband)as u r walking u see everything u need for survival but as u get closer it becomes clear it is not an oasis at all but a mirage that has disappeared right before your eyes and now all u are seeing is a stone.You start screaming at the stone to give u life sustaining water and food but after awhile u start to figure out something is not right and all the screaming in the world is not going to make that stone give u what u need understand?
    Didi we all have stones in our lives and sometimes it takes years and years even a lifetime to figure out u have been screaming at a worthless stone and move on less u dehydrate and starve to death.

  • Gail

    October 19, 2014

    Marie,
    Strangely when I was younger I use to worry all the time when I was a Christian will I go to heaven or hell.Thankfully I do not emotionally or mentally struggle with the thought of Heaven or Hell anymore.
    I actually no longer even believe in Hell at least not the exact same way u ladies believe in it.I believe we go through soul purification process that last no longer than 11 months which they say feels like hell on the soul but I don’t personally believe in a u will burn forever kind of hell anymore.
    I normally don’t talk about my personal views on the blog out of respect but it is something I feel might be helpful for everyone to think on.
    When a small child goes and picks a flower for their mother they do it out of love for their mother.They do it out of great love for their mother.The child never stops to think Oh I should pick this flower for my mother so she will not beat me.I feel this is the very same way with G.D.
    Another example is how many times as mothers have we talked to our children until we r blue in the face about some wrong thing they are doing or have done?A million times right.lol
    My point I am trying to make I do my very best to do the right things not because out of some fear G.D will punish me if I don’t.I do it out of a deep love and respect for G.D.My husband said something once that was so simply stupid but brilliant to me at the same time.I told him OH u r going to hell if u do not change your ways(this was when I believed in a forever burning hell)He said well I will be happy if I go to hell.I got shock what that stupid was saying and said how can u say that do u have no brains.He shrugged and said If G.D sends me there then I will be happy because G.D sent me there why I fear where G.D sends me.At the time I said Oh u r so stupid shutup but there was something in my husband voice when he said it that I could not get out of my head.I start thinking it is true if G.D sends me there then obviously he will send me for a reason so why i fear it.
    I understand how ingrained Hell is for most people and I am not trying to change anyones views at all.I just wanted to make the point that I am in more fear of not doing the right thing now.Everyone says they r afraid of eternity.I am some afraid of the unknown but I am way more afraid of not doing enough here in my short time while G.D placed me here on earth.It is more important to me that I pick G.D a flower than worry if he is going to spank me.

    Didi,
    If u are so miserable in your life u must change it.You are miserable for a reason.With everything u have stated u r dying for real love which u deserve.U are living a life of hell here on earth and only u have the power from G.D/Allah inside of u to make that change.
    Now I am not saying u have to leave your husband but I will be honest in your case I think u should leave him for awhile and focus on you and your kids and finding your personal happiness and be around like minded people that want to do positive things and that uplift u so that u can in return feel happiness and do something in this life.
    I am not saying divorce your husband right this minute.I am simply saying leave that HOT MESS that is obviously not working for u and seriously focus on finding your own self worth and love because Didi u deserve to be happy and loved my dear.
    Didi find your passion because when u find your passion then it is so easy to find peace.I think u r looking to your husband to find your peace and unfortunately as u already know u will not be finding your peace there.
    Again I am not saying divorce today even u can stay with him but drop your focus on him and focus on your passion it can u wanting to go to work or it can be something as simple as cooking.In my case my passion is educating my children.I suck at handing out compliments to my children and it is an area I need to work on because that is part of my passion.I am so busy trying to crap a lifetime of learning into a few short years so that they will excel to getting great jobs I forget what it is like to be a child and needing their moms compliments so many times.So that is something that seems simple but not for me that I am working on.When I master it I will then feel confident that my child will also master it and do the same with their own children.
    Didi I have no doubt that u r an amazing person please do not let your negative energy overpower your positive energy.Don’t let anyone steal your joy.

  • Marie

    October 19, 2014

    Ok I’m now worried that somethings in my previous post may come across as insensitive. Bare with me ladies, I’m working on it.

  • Marie

    October 19, 2014

    I forgot to mention. As I said no to a meeting with ‘other’ and my husband. The schedule is staying the same. I gave them the choice to make a change and if it’s fair I’ll agree. I knew it (the meeting) had nothing to do with what time hubz get back.

  • coco

    October 19, 2014

    Gail
    I think it’s so beautiful and so true to who you are that you still want to help in some way and get involved even if the results come back fine. Bless you!

  • coco

    October 19, 2014

    Ina
    Very scary badly timed coincidence :O

  • coco

    October 19, 2014

    Ana
    I know! I love my avatar I’ve always been a cheeky one it meshes with my personality. ;) These stories are VERYYYYY scary! :S Your point is valid something like that can happen to anyone, I mean you’d think that a man spending 30 years in jail would have repented and changed his ways BUT sometimes you can’t tame a monster. I definitely know what type of girl your talking about, I guess she was so entwined with her beauty that she failed to give her boyfriend the much needed attention that he might have craved and he must’ve not taken it well obviously… smh :O I think you’ve raised imperative questions for Didi to assess about her situation, may Allah make it easy for her. Ameen

  • Marie

    October 19, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum all,

    @Ana, I have a similar opinion to you on masjids, in the UK Muslims are always building masjids, some turn their own home into a “public” masjid, there is two or three on the same street. One for hanafi’s, one for salafis ect… thing is most of them are empty. I don’t get it. My FIL once went to a masjid to pray. The brother stopped him at the entrance and integrated him, asking what madhab he follows ect.. he said, iv just come to pray where can I make wudu. It’s crazy over here. As far as I know if u give money to the masjid, it’s used for the upkeep. Unless you specify that it is for a specific reason, zakat for example.

    @didi, I’m glad your still blogging. I’m confused too about your situation. I was thinking about how even though most of us here are dealing polygamy, our situations differ. I come to realise that each of our situations are tailored to suite, what we can handle. (a soul isn’t given more than it can bare) and what we need to learn. I.e patients, forgiveness ect…I suggest you take a look at your situation and work out what Allah wants you to learn. I found most of my anger is coming from the fact that I haven’t forgiven my husbands other wife for how she/they went about getting married, (it was slow torture for me) although I have forgiven my husband, I can’t bring myself to forgive her. There are a few ayat that speak of forgiving those who hurt and harm us. Another point is, the one who is oppressed, harmed or hurt is not punished for that, rather they are rewarded for their patience and steadfastness

    (if they practice this) but the oppressor, tyrant ect would be punished ( if they didn’t repent) I thought well, I happy that Allah put me in the receiving end and not the other way round.

    @gail, I don’t know much about cancer. My grandfather passed away form cancer but I was only 5 so don’t know anything about the circumstances. God willing you’ll be fine and results will be good news. I don’t really worry about who will look after my children when I die. I’m more worried that my time is up and I may not have done enough to make it to jannah, I’m scared of where I’m going not what I’m leaving behind. And well, my husband has another wife so I’m sure they’ll all be fine without me lol.

  • Didi

    October 19, 2014

    Oh just to add on, I’m confused because I get a lot of mixed advice from religious teachers. Some have said that I should divorce because my husband is not leading his family islamically in the way that he should, but others say I should stay on, because its not easy for a woman with children to make it on her own without a husband. They also say he is basically a good man, because he comes from good stock and his religious faith and education is sound. Not his adaab though. :P

  • Didi

    October 19, 2014

    @Ana hehehe. I’m so sorry if my story has gotten you all confused. Okay basically this is my story. I’ve been married for almost 10 years. In all those years, he has almost always had another woman on the side. The first was his ex-gf. I found out that they were contacting each other and I asked him about it, but he claimed that it was all innocent, she was merely asking for his help in her academics. They were both students then. I was married to him while he was doing his Masters. I decided to take him at face value but I had a lot of doubts because he was always chatting on his computer, and actually went to the trouble of locking the room door with a wad of paper coz the door was broken. I mean, who does that? Nobody! Only guilty people! Lol. So alarm bells were already ringing in my head but I couldnt DO anything about it coz I had no proof. About a year later, or more perhaps, I discovered love letters that she gave to him after we were married. I confronted him and he said that she was the one who still had feelings, not he. She was the one who made advances, not he. I was extremely angry but I knew that even if anything had been going on, it had all ended coz she went back to her country. We were in a different country back then for their studies. I also knew that his interest had shifted to ANOTHER woman. And he talked incessantly about this woman. Praising her, always comparing us and finding me lacking. I remember thinking then I would leave him if he married this woman, but not yet, since he hadnt done it. I also remember wanting to leave him for the longest time because of his treatment of me. All his secrecy, the huge ego, the arrogance, the need to always be ‘right’. But when I told my mother that, she told me to be patient and if I still wanted to divorce him, to not expect any support from her. 9 years and three kids later, she made a complete 180° turn and said shed prefer it if I divorced him. Lol.
    Ok so anyway, to make a very long story short, he married this other woman secretly a few months after he finished studying and came back home. For the longest time after we came back, I couldnt understand why he was mostly hostile towards me. Nothing I did was right. He was not romantically inclined towards me (sex was another matter, though) he would snap my head off if he didnt like what I was saying and rebuffed all of my suggestions of seeing a marriage counsellor. My marriage life was just very unhappy although I couldnt figure out why exactly he was acting that way. (He had stopped talking abt the other woman after I told him I didnt want yo be polygamous) Everything finally clicked into place when I learned of his marriage. It was an ‘ooohh’ moment for me. All that misery, all that neglect from his side..was because his attentions were focused on another woman. But that marriage didnt work out, mostly because it was done secretly I guess. So NOW, in his weird freaky mind, he finally things he’s doing everything right, because his marriage is not a secret, he’s bringing her around everywhere and being ‘fair’ by alternating his nights. He doesnt blame me TOO much for wanting to marry someone else. Lol. God, my life is tragic. And I think I’m crazy for laughing about it. I have SO much ill-feeling towards him right now. For all that hes done, and all that hes doing right now.
    No, I dont nag at him incessantly until he gets angry and lash out. I say one or two sentences and its enough to bring out the bear in him. When I persist in getting my feelings across, then sometimes he lashes out with his hands. I dont know. Maybe if your definition of constant nagging is stubborn persistence, then maybe you’re right. Lol.
    Ok, I’ll stop now. I feel like Ive gone on and on from just now. I actually teared up a bit writing this.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2014

    Didi,

    Could it be that you’re dealing with anger issues associated with him being out there in the limelight with his other wife, getting all the props and attention and you feel slighted or left out? I know you already mentioned those things, but are you acting out towards him about it? Do you constantly nag him about it to the point he loses control and lash out at you? Is it your anger, jealousy and envy issues that are causes the problem?

    Even if it is, he needs to be able to control his temper and either leave temporarily or permanently. You should expect him to leave permanently, if you can’t get your emotions in check. It takes time and effort. Most importantly Allah has to help you or it won’t happen.

    I really don’t know. I’m just speculating. You need to sit down and contemplate what’s really going on in your marriage. For every action there is a reaction.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2014

    Didi,

    I’m not really sure what the problem is

    You said you’re confused. I’m confused.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2014

    Didi,

    You have to be able to define emotional abuse, as you would be asked what it means to you. Does your husband converse with you when you and he are together? Are the two of you intimate with each other? Does he show you love, attention and affection? Is he attentive to you in anyway? Does he speak nicely to you? Does he say kind things to you?

    On the other hand, does he come home to you, ignore you, eat, sleep and go to bed? Do you feel he’s there as a duty? I thought in a previous post you said it was like he wasn’t even there when he came home and he paid no attention to you and the kids. Raising his hands to you and yelling at you when you want to express yourself could be construed as emotional abuse. It certainly is threatening. You should be able to speak your mind without being in fear. He need to have patience with you.

    Only you know what you’re willing to live with and endure. I don’t think anyone mean for you to rush down to the shairah court and seek help, as I doubt you’d get it there. I believe if you read Quran, offer your salats, try to do all that Allah prescribed for us, remember Him much and you’ve asked Him for guidance, it may not be time to leave. When it’s time to rock and roll, you’d know it. It would be easy and you pack yourself and the kids up and go or he’ll leave. Still, you need to seek Allah’s guidance and help with regard to how you could live in a more peaceful, calm and safe environment with you husband.

    It’s not good to make excuses though. You need to be honest with yourself. It’s what matters. It’s easy to make excuses for yourself and someone, but it doesn’t help the situation.

  • Gail

    October 18, 2014

    Mari2,
    Thank u for letting me know about the bruising and hematomas.I don’t have any Hematomas that I can feel.By boobs r still little sore though but nothing to bad and very light small bruising.I think the doctor that did my biopsy was awesome to be honest.

    Ina,
    I am sorry to here your dad died of cancer.Thanks for telling me about his story.I know kids is for sure on my mind.

    Coco,
    I can not help it I feel like I have to read and find out I don’t want to be in the dark.I reached out to a breast cancer patient asked her what is was like and what she is going through.I just want to know.I think I want to seriously help in some way and get involved even if the results come back fine.This has changed my life.

  • Didi

    October 18, 2014

    @laila I’m so sorry you’ve not been well this past week. Hope you feel better soon.
    Thank you for writing to me and for sharing your experience in this matter. I admire your strength.
    Yes, I do feel that I deserve better, that I’m settling for less than I should..but I just can’t see myself up and leaving even though I’ve wanted to do that many many times.I am actually very confused as to what to do. You see, I remember there were times when I’ve truly given up and had gotten so angry that I would cry tears of rage, I would straight away make plans to leave him forever and ‘punish’ him by doing so. Lol. How ludicrous that sounds. But sanity always prevailed somehow, Alhamdulillah. I would open the quran and try to find answers there. I would make istikharah and deep in my heart, I really really wanted Allah to say yes to my question when I asked if I should leave him. But the answer was always no. The reason I ask Allah first is because I know that my husband has not done anything wrong in the eyes of the shari’ah(Islamic laws), and therefore I had no legitimate reason to leave him. It was all about ‘feelings’. If he had been the type to beat me and the kids (yes, he has raised his hands on me when I try to talk about our situation but there’s no proof and its not often), not given us financial support or made us believe that we were unsafe to be around him in any way, I would have left immediately. No questions asked. That’s because Islam doesn’t condone that kind of behaviour and I know I’d be right in leaving. Now, this is where I get confused. I am no expert in shari’ah laws, but I dont think it covers emotional abuse, because that’s what I am mostly going through. If I were to go to court, and tell them my husband was abusing me emotionally, they’d probably laugh at my face. And probably won’t believe me anyway since he’s very highly respected here. People think the WORLD of him. I’m pretty sure he has friends in all these high places ensuring that I won’t be winning a court case against him.

  • Gail

    October 18, 2014

    Ana,
    Your sure gave me some great food for though about Kosher and Halal.I really think u r on to something there.
    Thanks for being so understanding about me being in tension waiting for my report.
    I honestly am way more mellow than I thought I would be overhaul to be honest although I might not come across that way on the blog.
    I don’t cry very much anymore and I have just come to accept whatever is going to happen to be honest although I am not happy about the idea of knowing that for the rest of my life I am going to have to be diligent in getting my mammograms.I am not going to lie it is a big stresser.I wish I could be more like u Ana and just not worry about all this but my brian will not let me because of my husband and children.I honestly feel like my family would just fall apart if I am not here to see my kids to adults.I have spent so much time on their education and would hate if it was all in vain.Dying is bad I am not going to lie but that is not my main concern it is leaving my kids and husband that scares me.
    I will be honest I am not big on Mosque anymore than I am crazy about churches to be frank.I feel like if u r going to preach the truth then preach the whole truth.
    I been working one of the ice cream trucks and I am so tired.
    I again want to thank everyone for your well wishes it means so much to me.

  • Mari2

    October 18, 2014

    @gail
    I continue to pray you get good results. Venting about health issues isn’t unusual, nor is the bruising occurring at biopsy sites. Depending on the depth of tissue gathering, bruising can be mild or more apparent. My right breast where I had 2 samples taken, one in duct deep behind nipple, looked like it was beaten with a hammer. Also, hematomas (blood clots) may develop inside your breasts making them tender and oddly lumpy to the touch. Do NOT panic. This is normal! (not that I knew until I first panicked). I took a good 30 days for the hematomas to dissolve and be absorbed by my body. I send you prayers!

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2014

    Oh, no, Ina, Scared that can’t be.

    Now that’s what you call scary…

  • Ina

    October 18, 2014

    I just had a scary coincidence. My prayer time app sends me a daily reminder to read a certain ayat from the Quran. Today the ayat is 2:178 which talks about the laws of equality for murder.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2014

    coco,

    I still laugh when I see your avatar It’s so funny.

    coco, I don’t think it’s about watching too many horror films. I don’t particularly watch those. I do have “Fatal Attraction” on DVD though LOL.

    People are just plain crazy. I was reading in the news that this guy did 30 years in prison for killing his neighbor. He was just recently released from prison. People had given him a coming home party. Within 48 hours of his release from prison, he killed his mother. They found the mother’s body around 6:30 a.m.

    One can never underestimate something such as it happening to us or someone we know. It happens daily, so there is a likelihood, it could happen to us or someone we know.
    Isn’t that scary? Very Nervous

    I knew this really pretty girl, in passing. She was so pretty she was ugly because she knew she was pretty and showed she knew it. I can’t explain it, but you know the type of person I’m talking about. Well, one day someone told me that one of her boyfriends smothered her to death with a pillow. Could you imagine? How horrific.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2014

    Ina,

    It sounds like loads of fun being with your boys on a holiday. No worries, Ina. Make duah to Allah to make it a lovely holiday for you and your family and that He’ll protect you all and keep you all safe. I’ll make duah for you, as well. Only think good thoughts about it and stay optimistic. Don’t let Satan cause you to worry or second guess yourself.

    It’s nice you’ll have some time to relax a bit while he’s gone as far as not having to look all pretty and be attentive to your hubby. Whenever my husband isn’t home I’m in a large tee shirt and undies. It’s my daily home attire when he’s not around. I make the bed sometimes. Other times I just crawl into it with it looking the same as when I got out of it LOL.

    I think your words to the boy were way good. Allah says to repel evil with that which is good. You did that. Good for you. I’m excited about you getting away to have some fun time with your children. Those boys of your will keep you young, running after them. What are you talking about? You’ll get your exercise LOL They’ll probably be like, Hey, mom, we’ve got to go away without dad more often.

  • Ina

    October 18, 2014

    @ Alison,
    I am happy to hear you are feeling more positive. One thing I find amazing about this blog is how we can see one person feeling down one day and then the next day they can still offer good positive advice to each other. It is a great support system that we have here especially when many of us do not have anyone else to talk to who understands what we are dealing with.

    @Laila,
    Hope you get well soon. Money can be the root of evil and can break up the closest family/friends. It’s so sad when it happens. You mentioned that you are only talking to your father and brother. What about your mother? Didn’t you just go on holiday together?

    @Coco, that is very inspiring story about how your mother coped with her cancer.

    @Gail, try not to worry too much. It’s funny how we tend to worry about the people we are leaving when we think death is knocking on our door. My father was the same when he first got diagnosed with cancer. His main concern was my mother and my youngest brother.

  • Ina

    October 18, 2014

    That is a scary thought Ana. When I realised just how jealous hubby’s fiancee was, I told hubby that he can’t not marry her now because she will probably kill me (like in the film fatal attraction). I have not heard from the boy yet…maybe the message that he cannot ruin my marriage is getting through. I have taken steps to protect my son from seeing any msgs from this boy (I changed the password for a start so I know when my son wants to access his msgs).

    Anyway, hubby will be leaving in about 12hrs time. I am coping well so far, no tears, no drama. I am worried about coping with 3 boys on my own for next 3.5 weeks, especially whilst on holiday. I am looking forward to our holiday though. The weather forecast is good and the place looks like it will be fun for the kids.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone

    I’d like to share something with you. I received a post from a person whose name I won’t mention. The post was to let us know he is part of a campaign to have mosques built in every state in the U.S. I didn’t approve the post mainly because it was in the form of an advertisement and he asked people to contact his email. This is the response I gave him by way of email:

    “Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I received your post over on the polygamy 411 blog. I did not post it as I see it as a form of advertisement. The women and men on the polygamy 411 blog are trying to accept a lifestyle (polygamy) that Allah made permissible for us, and are trying to deal with the heartache and pain associated with that acceptance.

    I don’t think building masjids throughout the country is a priority for them. We need to begin to work on ourselves personally, individually, before any type of change in the community will take place. Putting up buildings won’t do it. Allah tells us to make our homes our masjid and the masjid built on piety is the Kabah.

    I think it’s a good gesture on your part and your intent is good. Nonetheless, I don’t want to propagate your concept on the blog for the mere reason I don’t think it’s the time and place for it.

    Much salaam!
    Ana”

    I didn’t have to give it much thought as I have already done so over the years. There is so much talk about building masjids (mosques). There are many of them worldwide. Yet, I see no change in the condition of Muslims worldwide The condition of women hasn’t changed. There is no more peace amongst mankind. Muslims aren’t coming together as a single brotherhood. So what is putting up these buildings achieving? Congregational prayer can be done anywhere as long as there are more than one person to make a congregation.

    I’ve heard putting up masjids come about many times when there is a disagreement in the masjid and a person/people leave to build their own. Masjids compete with one another for people and money. I’ve known people to go to the masjids for help and there was no money for the people. The money they collect goes to the upkeep and maintenance of the buildings. Years ago, people were collecting monies to build masjids and the masjids never got built. Where did the monies go?

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against masjids. There is one approximately 20 miles or so from where I live and it has a beautiful masjid, school and community of Pakistani people. Where I go to get my halal meats, it is a very nice Turkish community that has a lovely masjid. I love going to that area and seeing all the Muslims everywhere on the streets and in the stores. I have passed some very nice masjids that have a large following. I only become concern when the putting up of buildings become more of a concern than the needs of the people. It happens.

    I don’t see how to discuss on this blog the coming together to build masjid across the country will benefit those of us here who are going through a personal jihad (battle) with self, and trying to cope with a lifestyle that is new to all of us. It would be a distraction.

    It would probably be nice to have men lecture men on how to be better servants of Allah. They could probably benefit from lectures about how to treat women better, with consideration and respect. How to be better husbands and maintainer and protectors of women (not just wives, but women).

    I just thought I shared it with you…

  • coco

    October 18, 2014

    Gail
    I think Ana said it perfectly “we are there for you” as simple as that :) I’m sorry you are not in the best of spirits today, I don’t blame you one bit but PLEASE don’t read stuff about cancer patients till you know exactly what your dealing with or you are going to burden yourself with despair unnecessarily, you just need to try to stay focused on being positive and hopeful, yes easier said than done! Gail I don’t know if this will help you but three years back my mother was advised for a radical hysterectomy as she also had a had a cancerous melon sized tumour to remove. The board of doctors were not so sure how far the cancer is spread out or what they had to deal with once she was opened. I could sense the uncertainty in their body language that it didn’t look good but my mom’s main doctor who was handling her case said that I’m not scared she said my mother’s positivity which is extremely rare in cancer patients is giving her all the confidence she needs to fight this. The operation was a little over 10 hours it was the biggest tumour any of the board of doctors saw and she said that it’s a miracle how the cancer was not spread beyond the tumour she actually called it a “perfect tumour” weird I know :/ They still gave her very light precautionary radiation and chemotherapy in case the cells are latched any place in her body and it was a breeze Alhumdulillah! Well long story short her doctor said to my mom you should be a mess! how can you stay so strong and positive? she replied back with “from day one I believed in the power of prayer.” So Gail I’m gonna leave you with just that believe in he power of prayer… :)
    Much love, you are in our prayers xo

  • coco

    October 18, 2014

    Didi
    Glad to see you back here! Sister please hold on to hope and believe that it will get better and inshAllah it will. The sun ALWAYS comes after the rain…! xo :)

  • coco

    October 18, 2014

    Alison
    I enjoyed reading your post and it’s so true how addictive this blog can be, I myself log on in odd hours many times because almost always you read something that you may learn from, uplifts you or makes you take a step of perseverance towards hope, and whether we are in a state of despair, pain, anger or fear all we need is hope to go on. So here’s to blogging… xo :)

  • coco

    October 18, 2014

    Spirited
    It’s good to be around again :) I remember when I first posted in the blog you were the first to welcome me and write in, upon reading your post I knew I came to the right place where I can weigh in and get great advice from sisters who know where I’m coming from or can relate to some level. I thank you for that :) Omg yes I so agree that the boy torturing Ina is similar to such people who come here to disrupt the vibe and Spirited if you noticed the highest ratings on reality tv go the the ones who create chaos, conflicts and confrontations hehehe ;) What you wrote to didi was so powerful yes! Allah is watching I think that’s such a strong notion to keep you going! xo :)

  • coco

    October 18, 2014

    Ina
    I’m glad you blocked the troubled boy but if he’s still emailing you I think you can mark his email address to the spam folder so you don’t have to see his ludicrous crap and please block him from your kids accounts he’s a total sicko! Whatever you do although it’s extremely hard just don’t respond to him period! Do not eat the bait he’s trying to feed you, so please ignore the fool and you’ll be winning! I’m totally on the same page as Ana regarding he might kill her before the wedding lol things like this happen or we watch too many twisted horror films hehehe ;)
    Take care xo

  • coco

    October 18, 2014

    Laila
    I always appreciate your words and hold on to them firmly, I take you as a elder sister who really knows how it is literally! Hehe anyways yes chin is up faith is strong Alhumdullilah :) I really hope you are recuperated back to good health soon. Sorry to hear your having a tough time with family especially over mere property it’s quite sad how property can hold a higher value then a relation at times but it’s life and common I know I’ve seen quite a few examples with my relatives, the fact that your religion is badgered by your loved ones is a punch much harder to take but try not to take it to heart they are being irrational they chose to not know any better so don’t resent them for their ignorance feel sorry for their pettiness. Much love xo

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2014

    Dear Gail,

    Don’t concern yourself about how much you vent about your health concerns. It is okay. We are here for you. I know you are scared and unsure. It’s understandable. Insha Allah, come Monday, you’ll have peace of mind. Whatever the results are, we’re here for you. You are not alone. We’ll help you through it as best we can{{{hugs}}}

    Don’t compare yourself to the woman who has brain cancer. It’s a whole other world when it comes to brain cancer. Unlike breast cancer, I haven’t known anyone to live very long after being diagnosed with it. It’s a whole different type of animal from breast cancer. I could see why the woman with brain cancer has opted to die sooner than later, knowing there isn’t much hope for her and she and her family would suffer tremendously while she is alive.

    Gail, I totally believe that how healthy we are is connected to nutrition, which includes vitamins and supplements. Here is why I say it:

    Allah, in the Quran, tells us what to eat and what not to eat. He says eat of all the good things. He tells us to only eat meats that His (Allah’s) name was pronounced over at the time of slaughter (not right before we eat it), but at the time of slaughter. Hence we have meats that are Halal (I forget the technical name for meats slaughtered in the correct manner prescribed by Allah). Anyhow, the meat has to be slaughter in a certain way that is humane etc. I don’t know the exact details, but I make it my business to only eat Halal meats. If Halal meat is not available, I’ll eat fish or go vegetarian until Halal is available.

    Some Muslims think Halal meat means don’t eat pork. Halal goes far deeper than it. It is not just a pork thing. It’s why when someone tells me something is Halal,I won’t eat it unless I’m sure, as the person may not know what the heck he or she is talking about. I usually know the difference, as I’ll immediately feel sick once I’ve swallowed it or I get a sixth sense that something isn’t right before I eat it. My wali is the same way. My husband is really good with stopping me from eating something that may have meat in it when we are on vacation. He has a natural sensor for it. He’s got these special antennas. He’ll yell out, Ana, don’t eat that LOL. Sometimes, I don’t know what’s mixed up in the food when it’s a buffet set up. We usually asked the waiter if something has meat in it before we order. Allah permits us to eat Kosher foods.The Jews have the same food restriction that we have; but they have more restrictions than we have.

    Anyhow, I say all of this to say that Allah created us and He tells us what we should ingest and shouldn’t. When we eat what He tells us not to eat, we suffer the consequences. We have ailments and illnesses, stemming from our appetites unchecked by knowledge. Some people just don’t care. Even when it’s Ramadan, some “Muslims” have said to me when it comes to not eating or drinking during the day light hours – “I don’t care! I’m gonna eat. I’ve gotta EAT!!!”

    Take a pig for example. It is a disgusting,filthy, nasty animal that eats anything. I heard it eats rodents and snakes etc. I know it wallows in filth and it’s a disgusting ugly animal. It’s full of poison. So, why on earth do people eat such a abominable creature? Because the person him or herself is full of abomination. How does a person think they could eat poison and be healthy. The same goes for all the other meats that man eats that are not approved by Allah. He punishes people by way of their health when they disobey Him.

    Allah tell us everything we need to know in life. It’s in the Holy Quran. He even tells us that anxiety is caused by our lack of belief or wrong belief in Him. People don’t listen to Allah, so what do they expect? They put pesticides, insecticide, fungicides, herbicides and all types of chemicals in food to preserve it. Those chemical are not meant to be eaten. Yet, when we eat the food the chemicals are in our systems. The body isn’t designed to digest chemicals. It can’t process them. People are full of illness because of their greed and appetite.

    Take my sister who past away from cancer. I had never known her to eat fruits and vegetables. I had only seen her order Chinese Food and eat processed cereal all the time. She and her husband were big on eating pasta.

    What we eat is important to our health and well-being. It’s all connected. There is a reason for all things…

  • Gail

    October 18, 2014

    Ana,
    I agree with u it is extremely strange why someone/daughter or not would be posting under Lah’s ID.It seems so weird and confusing.I am wondering now who we were exactly chatting with.So Strange to say the least.
    On a different not only 2 more days until I find out my fate.I couldn’t sleep very well last night ended up not sleeping until 4 am.Hubby and I are just so mentally tired now.I am trying to stay positive but after reading and reaching out to other breast cancer patients going through this I feel more unsure and scared than when i first started.
    Did anyone happen to read about the 29 yr old woman that has brain cancer and has opted to die on Nov. 1?
    I don’t even know what to think about something like that anymore.I have always believed in it is not right to take your own life but going through even this small amount of torture has put me into mental shock.I am sooo very sad to know that a young woman has been placed into this situation along with countless others with the feeling of utter hopelessness.I just can’t seem to shake it knowing we are dumping trillions of dollars into cancer research.I am honestly starting to believe that cancer like everything is related to some kind of vitamin deficiency.I am reading about B17 and how people r claiming it cured their cancer.I know for a fact I started taking children vitamin everyday and B12 and in 6 months my menstrual cycle is back to normal and I had a normal pap which is amazing for me considering.
    Ladies I am sorry for venting so much about my anxiety over breast cancer.Hopefully after Monday I will be better.

  • Didi

    October 18, 2014

    @marie big hug sister! Its really alright. Please dont feel bad! You didnt do anything wrong…the only thing I felt when I read what you wrote was a case of guilt. Guilt that I somehow portrayed my husband incorrectly, which was why I wrote in again to explain about him. I feel like, its one thing to talk abt him with my mom, who already knows his character, but its another thing to talk about him in a group, telling everybody how ‘bad’ he is when they have no idea who or how he really is. I feel accountable to Allah. I feel responsible. So when I read what others wrote about him, I felt that I had done something wrong. Not you, marie, or anybody else here. Please dont worry about it
    But like my friend pointed out though, Im only human and keeping it all in will make me go crazy. I already feel cuckoo enough as it anyway. Lol.
    Thank you for sharing the story about your friend, marie. It gives me hope and makes me happy to know that some men truly do repent and become better husbands and fathers. Alhamdulillah

    @Ana I love the new layout..being able to read the latest comments first. Yay. Thank you so much for all the hard work that you put in. What you said the last time abt my husband was so true. You said if I lose him, it wouldnt be a bad thing coz its not like he’s such a prize, or something to that effect. Yep, I have on occasion said exactly the same thing to my mother! But I have this secret fear, you see. I fear that if I were to leave him, he will suddenly turn into this perfect husband for her. I fear that if I leave him, he will make things difficult for the kids and I financially while living the high life with the new wife since they’re both making a lot of money. Its such a stupid fear, I know..but I can’t help it.
    @spirited yep. What you described is about right. He is very pig-headed and doesnt want to discuss things. He also has weird ideas about what fairness means. Not only that, he doesnt want to hear where he went wrong. Coz according to him,he’s never wrong. And even if he is, the wife is in no position to call him out on it. The wife, being me, must just keep quiet and let him deal with his error as he sees fit. He actually told me this once when we were having a ‘discussion’. He also admitted to me, just this afternoon, when I accused him of wanting to be ‘adored and worshipped’ by his wives, that that was how things should be, and obviously what he expects. Unbelievable. I dont deny that as wives, we should obey, respect and not contradict our husbands openly, but if they do something wrong, I dont see why we cant advise them about the error of their ways! Sigh.

    The funny thing is, and I was just discussing this with my mom, is that I truly wouldnt mind being friends with my co-wife if my husband could just be fair. Being in polygamy wouldnt feel so bad if he knew how to handle it. Maybe some people would say that I’m not being sincere, that if I truly
    Wanted to befriend her, I would not give conditions first, but I dont want to get hurt and I think some ground rules should be laid down first…
    Will write more soon, insyaAllah. Its almost midnight here and I’m exhausted.
    So many people I havent addressed in this room. Later insyaAllah.
    Assalamualaikum

  • Laila

    October 18, 2014

    Dear Didi. Ive been meaning to write to you for so long but by time I got home and the viral fever hit I was feeling like crap. Ive been reading what you have posted and personally, I feel so bad that youre in such a rotten place right now. We all have gone to that dark and low point in our lives. Ive been feeling so bad too from yesterday amd today I just wasted my time sleeping. Because my mind was so tired with everything. All I can say is, coming home to you and just being there physically does not amount to anything. Its not even a relationship to begin with, its just an act carried out as a routine. I feel, correct me if I am wrong that you have sort of settled for less. You know whats the problem but somehow you do not want to acknowledge it or face it. Yes, we all have situations where money was tight, and we are dependant onto our spouse. I am staying home now, its been a week already and I am feeling uncomfortable that my monetary funds comes from my hubbs. There was a time in my life was money was so tight. I had to make do with fifty bucks a week. During that time we had a massive show down and I just walked out. I slept in my car the whole night. I would not recommend that to you, but I hope you understand where I am going. Its good to put your foot down when you know things are just not right. Life is not about settling. It never was. Sometimes you have to make some hard decisions, decisions that you yourself may not have the life or energy to do. But it must be done. Dont bother about this new wife coming into the picture, your problem is with how your husband treats you and your kids. Address that. Its normal for you to feel so many emotions right now. But you now have to get your act together. Do you have brothers? Rely on them, talk to them and tell them whats your problem. If you dont then approach your parents. Move into your family home. Sometimes we make mistakes by saying, I wont let her win. Im staying. The thing is, it was never really about her. Its all about you and him and how you are being treated in this union. For me, Ive always felt strongly about the need to be happy in a relationship. The day I see him treating me or taking me for granted then thats the day I walk. Ive been treated so badly by my own flesh and blood that nowdays I am less tolerant for shitty treatment, and my hubbs knows that. I hope you write in soon. We are here to help. Tc

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2014

    I don’t know why the poll didn’t give the final results on the front page. Nonetheless, the results are as follows:

    Name: Is she in or out?
    Question: should we allow Lah back on the blog?
    Order By
    | Show Other Answers Values

    Answer Votes Percent
    Yes 3 17%
    No 10 56%
    I don’t know 5 28%

    Oooops, it’s now there. I guess it took time for it to tally up.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2014

    Lah,

    I think you did right by voting against your mother staying here if, in fact, you did. You said your mother wouldn’t threaten anyone and is incapable of doing so. You said maybe your younger sister did it. I only know someone has been posting here saying it is your mother. Then we’ve received posts from someone who says she is “Rafat”. Then we received posts from someone who says he is “Polygamous Father”, now we’re receiving posts from you who say you are Lah’s daughter. You said your younger sister may have posted here, as well. I’m expecting to next hear it’s the man on the moon posting.

    Look, no one here has time for the nonsense. No one has time to figure out who the heck is posting. This is a blog about serious matters for adults who are serious about discussing the topic at hand. We are not playing a game of guess who is here. No one has time to try to figure out who’s talking and whether what they are saying is fact or fiction. Even if someone was posting for your mother who you say can’t post, we don’t know if it truth or falsehood or a combination of both.

    With it said I will end the poll now, and ask you and your family, including your mother (I don’t know if she ever posted here) to refrain from writing on this site, cuz I ain’t got time for it. It’s not playtime here. We are not in the sandbox.

    Goodbye!

  • Lah

    October 17, 2014

    My mother wouldn’t threaten anyone or do any of the things you all are blaming. Maybe my younger sister or another person from family did this. My mother cannot do her own paperwork and other outside work in Pakistan. How can she even think of reporting something to USA police! Anyway i think she is better off without posting here considering all the negative comments about her from so many of you. I have voted against Lah staying here.

  • Gail

    October 17, 2014

    Ana,
    I am sure ready to find out.Where they did the biopsy my tumor on my right breast I can see it and it turned purple.
    Ana u said something about being a control freak.I am a control freak and this last year I just stopped it and let it go.Also with this cancer scare I am learning to be less and less controlling.I just tell them the truth as I see it and let the chips fall where they may.
    Being a control freak only makes u nuts.I wish looking back now I would have just taken an all inclusive vacation.haha

  • Gail

    October 17, 2014

    Alison,
    Thank u for keeping me in your prayers it means more to me than u know.
    I can’t remember your exact story but I can tell u this.I went through hell and back with my marriage and I there were many times I wanted to call it quits and just move on but something inside of me just would not let me do that.I am not kidding when I say I was really sick of my marriage.
    Thanks G.D little by little my marriage has become stronger and better and now I really feel happy again.One by one we r knocking out r problems and moving on to make r marriage so much better.
    Alison if your husband does not mentally or physically abuse u and u love him then keep yourself strong and keep moving forward.Don’t look right or left just keep your focus straight ahead.
    What I mean by looking right or left is say cowife tries to yank your strings through hubby.U just do what u can to be fare even if she is being a horses A$$ understand.I am not saying be a door mat just fare and keep going straight do not look left or right to start a fight with her or hubby.99.9% of the stuff that will P!ss u off or make u angry is truly not worth the effort.It would be better if u decided to take your anger out in a different way like everytime hubby or cowife disturbs u treat yourself to something.It can be a lunch out or a movie or a new purse.Anything that will make u feel relaxed and get your mind of the problem.
    I will tell u something else u can do also and that is making your hubby a nice dinner.I am not saying don’t talk about things and G.D knows u r going to get angry but try to figure out a way that will help u to cope understand.For me it was making my husband take me out to dinner and talking.
    I don’t know if u have a relationship with your cowife but if u two ladies can talk it would sure make your life easier if u got along or had a mutual understanding between each other.
    Any problem u have can be fixed with talking rationally.U believe in Allah/G.D so I totally see u being able to make it.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2014

    Everyone make sure you get your vote in before Sunday at Midnight. The poll will shutdown then.

    @Gail,

    I hope you’re staying busy and you’re keeping your spirits high. Insha Allah, you hear very good news very soon

    @Laila,

    I’m hoping the fever subsided and you’re feeling better.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2014

    @alison, hey there

    What an excellent post you wrote. What good stuff – full of reminders – a nice little khutbah (speech). I really appreciate it much. It was way inspiring.

    I’m glad you, spirited, and everyone else (I hope) are happy the web designer was able to make the changes to the comment box. I’m ecstatic about it. Alhumdulliah.

    The copy write protection can be a big pain in the rear end at times. If you click the little silver box, you could make the changes in there, and then copy and paste it back into the original comment box. I have found sometimes I make the changes in the silver comment box and if I hit the save and return (I think it is) it didn’t save the changes. Anyway you look at it, writing on the phone is a trying matter. I hate, hate, hate writing on my phone. Oh, well, we’ve got to do what we’ve got to do. Don’t worry about the typos, sis.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    @Marie,

    Awwww, what you wrote to Didi was soooo sweet. Don’t beat up on yourself. You had no mal- intent. It’s okay. I could only imagine some of the kooky stuff I’ve said that no one called me out on LOL Sometimes I’ll post something and then think maybe I shouldn’t have said it. I’m good at second guessing myself, which is really a very bad habit. All is okay, Maire – no worries.

    @Spirted,

    Don’t let your mom or anyone else put you on a guilt trip. They just don’t understand how Allah operates his Kingdom. You know. You are blessed to know. Relish in that blessing. Be thankful you are not like the masses. What a beautiful thing.

    Tying to control someone sucks. Anyone who does it is unhappy. When we think we can control things, we grow further away from Allah. We begin in believing in ourselves and our abilities and lose sight of the Truth. The Truth is Allah. Were wrong to want to usurp Allah’s authority.

    I think a wife loses a good amount of respect for a husband that becomes her doormat and she rules him. I never did like men who were “doormats”. I like a standup take charge type of guy.

    I like what you said to Didi about her husband and his others mini celebrity status. You’re right that those marriages very rarely last long. There’s too much stress and they compete with each other. They’ve got so much on their plate (responsibility) they tend to neglect each other. Time shall tell what will happen with Didi. It should be interesting indeed.

  • alison

    October 17, 2014

    Sorry ladies have not been commenting for ages our IT office blocked this page and can’t access while in the office ; ( so anna thanks the comments box coming up could not have come a better time :) sorry for for the typos I have to contend with sorry this content is protected each time want to go back and correct loool

    well I found a new addiction and it is this site am so hooked on it well its even some ungodly hours raining so hard outside and I woke up to just read the comments…for the writers here you put so much in perspective for some of us and I would like to take a moment to appreciate you

    @gail we pray for you each day and ww wish you all the best in your results hang in there
    @ina its never easy but as spirited says it is easier to leave it to Allah he is Just and for sure He will do right. Be patient and persevere I know sometimes when you hear this you want to roll your eyes and kill someone but we here have been there walked in the same shoes and can emphatize. This site is real and makes things easier as the people here have lived in polygamy and some for so long. In the beginning I just thought I am mad feeling all these things and all these emotions. This site taught me that it is normal and with time it got normal and could control my emotions.

    wE all in this for a reason and we should turn to Allah and we would find relief and we should strive for our jannas all this is temporary and our husbands and children are our trials. When you grasp this concept it gets easy as most of the things will be trivial in our eyes and not matter as such. When sad pray to Allah I realized my happiness is not dictated by my husband or anyone and besides all the negative emotions just drive bthem away they just cant handle it. Be positive and dobit for YOU it will benefit you both physically and emotionally

    to the rest that I have not mentioned oh laila sorry about your fever hope you better. Thanks to all ofyou for being here . You make a difference in someone’s life keep on blogging.
    I have to stop scared my phone will delete all this loool

    Much love..hugs

  • Marie

    October 17, 2014

    Assalaamu alaykum all,

    @didi, I don’t know where to start and I hope I don’t put my foot in it again. I would like to apologise again for any hurt or I’ll feelings I have caused you. I noticed you haven’t blogged recently and I can’t help but think it was because of what I said/wrote. I want you to know that I know a sister personally whose was in a similar situation to yourself. Deep down she knew that although her husband was not treating her the best he could, underneath there was a good man, whom she loved and she desperately wanted the relationship to work. Her husband came to learn more about the deen and realised his wrongs and stopped doing the things he was doing. They are now happily married. I know if she had of read your story while she was going through the tough times it would have given her hope and not feel so alone. I urge you to share more of your story as you never no who is reading and may benefit from your words, women and men. I have already benefited from you being here and I’m sure others have to. I of course would like you to use to blog to vent and talk things through with the wonderful women here. Again I am sincerely sorry for for how I wrote about your husband. I can only ask Allah to aid me in being more sensitive and forgive me for my wrongs. Please return my sister. .

  • Spirited

    October 17, 2014

    Salaam everyone,

    @Gail, I’m glad that the procedure went well for you! Sucks about the long delay in getting results though. Here’s hoping it will be good news :) Some of what you wrote about polygamy’s perception in Pakistan is what my own mom says to me, and we’re not even in that country, lol. She often says I’m a failure as a wife and it MUST have been my fault that my husband went after another woman. She says I was too stupid and she can’t believe I didn’t know how to control a man. You know, I don’t think marriage is about controlling your husband, it should be about working through life together and helping each other reach Heaven, but who knows – maybe with Pakistani men, it might be best to control them (like my husband’s 2nd wife did).

    @Aishah, hey there! I was wondering when you were going to show up again. I’m happy to hear that you’re doing good and chugging along. The kids are well I hope? I want to get to that state of mind that you’re in – where it doesn’t matter what injustices the husband & his other wife are doing, you’re at peace because you know Allah is fair and just and He’s watching and keeping track of everything. Sometimes I feel like I’m almost there, but then mine does or says something SO insane, I just lose the peaceful state I thought I had, lol. I need to work on it some more! I can understand that you might be worried if either your husband or his other wife came along and somehow were able to figure out it was you. You could try keeping your issues vague, so no one could say 100% it is something happening in their life and figure out who you are. That might be hard to do, since sometimes there’s no reference for what you’re going through and you have to ask with details. Well, you know everyone is here for you whenever you need us /hugs

    @Didi, I’m so sorry you have to put up with the kinds of things you do. But I think partly, you’re causing yourself some of the issues. You seem to have a pig-headed husband, I know how that is because he sounds like mine. Mine doesn’t seem to have much of a notion of what “fair” is, and he acts like if he ignores the problems, they will just go away on their own. Plus, if I try to discuss things that really need to be discussed, he either:
    gets annoyed and has this “ugh” face on,
    or he’ll just turn away and not speak,
    or he’ll say “there you go again.” So, what I’m trying to do is when he acts like this, I think to myself “Allah is watching, you just go ahead and keep it up.” I don’t know if that will help you, but you could try telling yourself that as well :) This way, much of your thinking might shift and you won’t worry yourself about his negative behavior that much. Another thing I wanted to point out is about your husband and his 2nd wife’s relationship. You said they’re both mini-celebrities and are flaunting their marriage around. But I was thinking, MOST celebrity marriages fall apart, its almost a fact, lol. So, maybe you won’t need to deal with your husband having another wife for too long, who knows, right? ;)

    @Ana, I wanted to congratulate you on getting the comment box and newest comments changed around. Success! Thank you also to the designer who worked on it.

    @Coco, helloooo~ nice to see you around again! I agree with your assessment of the people who were attempting to attack the blog gang. Infact, it kind of looks like the boy that is harassing Ina is very similar to those people. He has some issue of his own, but he’s trying to negatively affect Ina just to have someone else suffer – OR he could be one of those people who like to stir up drama and then watch. Its like they get off on conflict. Its why “reality TV” has become so popular now, there’s more and more people who enjoy watching others’ problems (even if they’re fake problems like on those TV shows).

    @Ina, Its good that you took a firm step to stop this guy from bugging you. Its unacceptable that he’s messing with your child now. Doesn’t he realize that this is an innocent 9-yr old? He must be a really sick person to enjoy trying to hurt a child. It would be best if you could block him from your child’s email account as well, in my opinion. I hope everything else is going well :)

    @Laila, welcome back home form your trip! I’m sorry to hear that you’ve got a viral infection, Insha’Allah, you’ll be well soon (you might already be well at this point). I’m sorry that your family is not on the same page with you and causing problems :(. Its always super-tough when you have problems already and then to top it off, one’s own family doesn’t support you and hinders you instead. You know something? It isn’t just if you’re a Muslim but your family isn’t, this same thing happens even if one’s whole family is the same religion. Its just based on people, I don’t think it has anything to do with religion at all. Well, regardless, I hope your new outlook helps you deal with the nutjobs around you. I’m sure we all have developed mechanisms the deal with the weirdos in all our lives :D I also hope your laptops are repairable (or you can just get a nice new one ;) ).

    Alrighty, that about does it for me. Talk to you guys soon.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    Ina,

    It was a nice message you sent to “the boy.” Maybe it touched a chord. Allah knows best.

    The boy is very foolish. He seems smitten with her. I’m surprised your husband hasn’t contacted him in an effort to put the fear of God in him, so to speak. The boy needs a good @$$ kickin, if you ask me. He has crossed the line when he began messing with your children. It’s unacceptable. The boy sounds like a fatal attraction. He’s very creepy. Maybe there won’t be a wedding. He could kill her. I know it’s a bit out there (far fetched), but things like it happen. Axe Murderer

  • Ina

    October 17, 2014

    Assalamualaikum,

    I was feeling more positive over last few days. I am trying to develop attitude similar to Marie and Mari2, to accept the situation, accept that Allah is on control.

    I have blocked the devil boy so he can’t send msgs to me on facebook but he still sends me msgs to my email. Today, I decided checked my 9yr son’s email to make sure he has not received any creepy msgs from people reading his blog (yes, he has a blog). I was shocked to find 2 msgs from the devil boy sent in the last week. The msg was not harmful, only to tell my son that his family will be marrying someone 16 yrs younger than his mother at the end of this month. This boy is getting desperate because he is running out of time to ruin the wedding.

    I should not be shocked but I am still astounded that people can be so ….. (can’t think of the right word to express how I feel). I don’t think my son has seen the msgs yet because he has not said anything.

    I broke my silence and sent this boy a message to tell him to focus on his life instead of others and to read Quran instead other people’s private msgs.

  • Laila

    October 17, 2014

    Dear girl gang. I just got home last Tuesday and Ive been down with viral fever and a major family issue in regards to property. Lines like, Islam is a barbaric religion etc etc was thrown in my face. In the past just to suit my family and make them accept me and my hubbs I used to bend my back backwards. Im not saying that I did things out of insincerity but then again, you would think that no matter what, family is family. Well, Ive learnt that family is not at all family and sometimes we have to just make a choice. Its either your belief and faith or them. So, in short, Ive decided to not communicate further except with my dad and my oldest brother. Being a convert is not at all easy. I always wonder why sometimes my family loves to be insensitive and in short, idiotic. And today while lying down in bed, Ive come to a conclusion that life is full of rubbish people. People who dont have love or respect for you and what you stand for. The best is to admit that, see it, realize it, and disconnect yourself from such people. Or else you loose your sanity, peace and even faith. Fatima, I am in Kuala Lumpur and I am glad you love my state ;) Coco, all I can say is keep your chin up and make sure your faith is strong. People like you and me are the ones whos going to get bashed for life. Didi, I have so much to say to you and I hope you are reading. Ill type after I have my lunch. Typing is hard because both my laptops crashed, and im using my tab phone. So, things are pretty slow.

  • Laila

    October 17, 2014

    Dear Gail. Due to some very serious family issue thats cropped up due to property, Ive seen how ugly even blood relationships can be. I am not the bit taken up by how you feel for Lah. Maybe somewhere in your heart you have empathy and you understand how she is feeling and what shes going through. However, shes not just rubbed me the wrong way, shes also created chaos for others. Why do we have to keep on inviting problematic and devious people into our circle further. You are not the only one shocked by Jenny and Kim. I am too. I was so taken aback at how they commented on all of us on the other side. They made such harsh and men statements that personally, all I can say is, both of them are very retarded women. Maybe my language is too direct, but women like these need to learn to RESPECT Islam and what it stands for. We respect that you are a Jew, why cant they accept that we follow whats decreed in our religion. Why must we be ambushed and labelled as brainwashed women, or w***** or oppressed women?! …. why is it that some women realize that yes, we accept polygamy? So deal with it?!…. why must we go all psycho and reveal personal pics and names and addresses and all? What are we REALLY TRYING TO PROVE? In Jennys case, she felt so violated when the tables were turned on her. Suddenly, Happy is not telling others to take a Kool Aid. So, you may have your justifications when it comes to problem women like Lah. I for one say this, I dont have the time for nut jobs like this. They waste my time, they take away my peace, and they try to derail me from my G-D which is Allah. And sorry Gail, Ive learnt to just realize that some people are just rubbish by the side of the road. You dont have to puck the rubbish, your job is not to even look at the rubbish and analyze why its there. Your job is to walk. Walk down the path of Allah. These women are all elements of destruction. The choice is yours. Funny, when I commented on the other side, the blof owner just did not like me. I used her lingo by the way. She found me to be as disturbing as Lah. See my point?

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2014

    We can’t let it become personal. It’s Allah they don’t like. It’s Islam they don’t like. It’s the TRUTH they don’t like.

    Allah says they have a hatred for the Truth. It’s not about me, yet they try to make it so. Don’t kill the messenger…

    “Verily We have brought the Truth to you: but most of you have a hatred for Truth.” Quran: Surah 43, Ayah 78

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2014

    Gail,

    About Jenny and Kim, I felt and thought I knew them, but I underestimated them and ignored intuition I had about them. Most importantly, I ignored what Allah said about people, how they are, what they do and how to treat them.

    My thoughts on the two of them is that Kim was about “game”. She was a Wiccan at one time and only took the Shahadah when her husband married the Muslim Kashmir girl. It was as I had stated; she wanted to level the playing field. She thought by becoming Muslim she could compete with the Muslim girl better. Her husband was Muslim, so if all three were Muslim the Muslim girl would no longer have leverage.

    So many times Kim expressed how her husband was way into the Kashmir girl. Kim stated how her husband was so sad and depressed when the girl left him. She spoke of how sad he’d get when they drove past where the other girl lived. Kim had her heart set on going to India to live. He took all her money and, look what has happened; she never got there. He apparently had other plans, which didn’t include her (Kim). Her husband divorced her and we know that polygamous men who love their first wives don’t divorce them. It’s unusual for a husband to divorce his first wife, but it happened in Kim’s case. She even went as far as to keep her Islamic marriage in hope that her ex-husband would feel comfortable in sexing her up when she needed it. You all could attest to this being the case from what she had written on the old blog. None of this is anything new to anyone.

    Kim is one of those people who want to kill the world when she feels she has been wronged, and can’t get justice from the perpetrators. You could only imagine the Hell she took her husband and his Kashmir wife through, based on what she tried to do to my husband and me and my husband and I are strangers to her. She was out for blood. Every chance she gets she uses my real name, as if she catches an orgasm from writing it. LOL It’s way pathetic and sad.

    It’s way sad. Why people try to hurt others who aren’t responsible for their hurt and pain is beyond me. I can only think that she has no one else to release her hurt and frustration on; therefore she turns on the one who tried to support her in a polygamous marriage and propagate the lifestyle. She’s on a fast and furious road to destruction.

    As for Jenny, she never, ever let any of us know the true reason for her being on the blog. She has been hurt badly and still is hurting. Muslim and Islam or Pakistani culture and her husband’s family has all to do with it. Her husband is part Jewish biologically and she hid the fact from us. She tried to make out that he was simply Pakistani and Muslim and chose Judaism and a Jewess over Islam and Muslims. She took every opportunity to try to make Muslims feel worthless, while gloating, boasting and bragging about her ethnicity and wealth. She only fooled herself, as most here saw through it. We simply let her carry on and entertain us. I did my best to make her feel comfortable and welcome here, despite many thinking she didn’t belong here and she wasn’t wanted here by many. She’s in a lot of pain and blogging isn’t doing it for her as far as relieving the pain. She needs to take down that barrier and get real with herself. She is not “Happy” Jenny; although she wants us all to believe it.

    It’s my take on the situation…

    Those people turned on me simply because I represent something they hate. They are suffering psychologically, probably physically, and in many other ways, and can find no relief. It’s probably just the beginning. They want to hurt and destroy me, but they are digging their own graves.

    I think Lah would only be another Kim and Jenny up in here.

  • coco

    October 16, 2014

    I adamantly agree with Laila and Ana! Laila and myself repeatedly asked for her to not comment on our situations as they didn’t come across as helpful or positive in any way, we didn’t ask anyone else to please not speak on our matters why only her? The fact that she was one of the individuals who had sent Ana a post threatening to go to the police about Ana and her husband is enough to leave a bad taste in my mouth. I mean who does that? Is it the fact that Ana is pro-polygamy that bothers her? What did Ana do to her to take it that personal that she would want to cause harm that goes wayyyyy beyond my understanding. I find it rather atrocious! To all those people who had to face the loss of this blog being closed down for a while because of people like her, threatening Ana had disabled people to come here to vent and spill out their fear, duress and pain. Is it okay that a person who is emotionally battered should be allowed to further batter others? Gail the only people who have space to speak in my matters are my mother, brother and 3 close friends and what they oppose is not the fact that why marry a married man when I can marry anyone but actually that they think I deserve a better person than HIM to be a second wife to as they think I’m extraordinary comparatively as he doesn’t have quite much going for him for now. Another thing Gail I get your point that it’s hard when woman like her are emotionally struggling to see the good in Polygamy due to their own circumstances BUT come on bash the ill practice of polygamy due to culture, bash the husband who is the main factor of them being in the situation but don’t go bashing strangers here who are dealing with their own obstacles and coming to terms with their own grief who are victims in their own right so if one can’t help one another then at least don’t try to alleviate your pain by hurting others. When you dabble with negative energy it affects your surrounding can anyone here afford negativity directed towards them in their lives?

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2014

    Gail,

    There are women who totally don’t get why women in the west accept or try to accept a polygamous lifestyle when it’s forced on women in other parts of the world. It’s forced on women who don’t want it. They don’t understand that it’s not so much that women want to accept polygamy. For many it’s about ALLAH/God. They realize, maybe not at first, that Allah has decided this for them, hopefully for the good it eventually brings in lives. Once one begin to focus on Allah and serve, worship, and obey Him, they have peace and contentment in their lives. Life is beautiful and we have ease. You said it all when you said you never wanted this lifestyle. You have now found yourself drawn to it and unable to leave your husband. Allah/God decided it for you for whatever reason, hopefully for good.

    There are women who want to live good, pure, decent lives. They don’t want to go out there gaping their legs open to any man whom they want or doing so as payback to the man for him taking on another wife or a girlfriend. There are those of us who have morals and value our bodies. It’s not about what the man is doing. The average woman doesn’t want more than one husband or man in her life. Some women get themselves another man or men just to feel equal to men or to compete with men. Women aren’t wired that way. I’m sure they end up feeling used and abused. They probably end up feeling like a worthless piece of sh!t. Who wants to be that woman?

    These people say they don’t understand women in the West who accept polygamy. It’s not women in the West that they don’t understand. They don’t understand Allah (Great and Glorious is He) who is God. They’ve miss the point. They don’t have their finger on the pulse of reality. They don’t know the meaning of life.

  • Gail

    October 16, 2014

    Ana,
    I resent my vote through again.

  • Gail

    October 16, 2014

    Laila,
    I hope u get to feeling better soon and I also u had a nice trip to Turkey.

    Ana,
    I understand where u r coming from when it comes to Lah I really do.If u r really uncomfortable and the others are not happy then I totally understand.
    My needs for talking to Lah have more to do with the Pakistani culture and Polygamy than anything else.Which really is not so much to do with the forum I suppose.
    I am sorry Lah was part of that mess.I still can’t wrap my mind around it the same like u and more than Lah acting out it is Jenny and Kim who have blown my mind.I felt like I knew them personally as I am sure u felt the same. No hard feelings u do what u think is best.I also love Laila and don’t want her to feel like she can not express her feelings on the blog.I feel she really needs the blog and I want Laila to know I love her and respect her.

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2014

    Dear Gail,

    Thank you for taking the time to write out your thoughts about polygamy, Pakistan, and Lah. I’m not sure where to begin. When you speak of Pakistan and how polygamy isn’t accepted there, along with the problems associated with polygamy and those who live it, I get it. I understand how it works there; although it’s a country predominately made up of people who call themselves Muslims, which is baffling. I see it as there are many people there who call themselves Muslims, but live culture. They left out Islam and when they acknowledge Islam, they’ve broken Islam up into sects. I see it that many people there don’t live Islam and consequently suffer due to their disobedience to Allah. It a country run purely by the concept of culture.

    One may say there aren’t many Muslims that live in the United States, but people as a whole don’t seem to be suffering. The only thing I could say about it is that people in general in the U.S. know how to mind their own “p”s and “q”s. They know how to mind their own business. If a person is homosexual, or polyamory or bi-sexual or engage in beastiality (have sex with animals), watch porn etc, people may have an opinion about it, but for the most part, they mind their own business. If no one is violating any laws that are on the books (statutes), no one cares.

    I take offense when people go out of their way to come to this blog, knowing it’s pro-polygamy, and not only express their dislike for it, but badger the people who live it or are here supporting it. I don’t understand people doing any of the things I mentioned above (homosexuality, beastiality etc), but I know to mind my own business, and leave people alone.

    Lah came to this blog, attacking “Laila”, who married second in sequence and attacked “coco” who is considering marrying a man and becoming a wife second in sequence. I recall the two of them taking a beating from Lah for no other reason than they married/were going to marry married men. She showed distaste for those of us who appear to be living a life of ease and luxury and accept polygamy. It’s something she couldn’t wrap her head around.

    When I banned her for her ongoing attacks on Laila and coco, she began to attack me via emails and posts. She let me know a couple times that “C” was on the other blog. Lah wanted to disrupt my peace. One post she threatened to go to the cops on my husband and me. All of it was unacceptable. I can understand how people lash out and take revenge on people who are up close and personal to them who have hurt them, such as with a co or a husband. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying a person is correct in taking such action. I cannot, however, get with a person who out of hate and frustration take it out on total strangers who they don’t know up close and personal, and have done nothing to them personally. It is mind blowing to me

    Perhaps Lah can’t get with polygamy, and doesn’t understand how women in the west could live polygamy and accept it. Well, then come to the forum with an open mind, and to learn, if not, butt out. Stay away. Go some place else, and be with the people who think as you do. Go your merry way and leave other people alone.

    Do you think I’m going to run up into some beastiality forum and go ballistic on people cuz I don’t get it or don’t like what they do. If Lah doesn’t like what her husband and co did to her then take it up with them. If she doesn’t like what happens in Pakistan, then I don’t know what to say because no one seems to stand up there to make a change and if a woman does she may get acid thrown in her face or get shot in the head. Nonetheless, do not come here to this forum when people are trying to live a lifestyle (polygamy) that they believe in, and try to hurt those who are here trying to cope with and live it. The people here who are trying to live a polygamous lifestyle suffer because they’ve been brought up on and taught untruth. They are trying to unlearn falsehood and learn the TRUTH. Not everyone is going to get it and it’s not for everyone to get.

    Gail, we know that Lah has experience much of what you related about women, polygamy and Pakistan. We know she is anti-polygamy/polygamist. We know she has set out to hurt and damage lives of some of us here. What could she possibly be here for now? I know she has come to the forum as of late being very kind, civil and polite. It, along with you and she get along very well, are the reasons I was receptive to allowing her to be here with us. Our blog family here would have to feel comfortable with her being here, which is why I put the poll up.

  • ~Fatima~

    October 16, 2014

    @lailah

    Sorry to hear your feeling down.. I hope you feel better soon
    Are you still in Malaysia? I think thats where you were, right?
    I really misd Malaysia.. Ive been kulua lumpur a few times.. and just loved it..

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2014

    Fatima, thank you. You’re so cute LOL

    I got my vote in. I probably should have been last to vote, but I had to test the polling system. I therefore went ahead and voted.

  • ~Fatima~

    October 16, 2014

    I voted

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2014

    Ummof4 Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for voiting

    I really liked the show, “Big Love”. Some of the episodes, I have in a collection. I was thinking of watching it again. My husband and I used to watch it religiously (regularly). The show is all that you said. The women were fabulous women. They were all that you described. It was nice seeing them working together to overcome obstacles, and keep the family intact. They were all loving and respectful to one another. It was beautiful. I think it’s achievable.

    One thing that make those family work polygamy out and do it well is that they unite and come together for a single purpose – to serve God – their version of worship. It’s unlike what we see in the Islamic community. What we’re seeing a lot of in the Islamic community are women and men coming together to satisfy their individual worldly desires. People are leaving Allah out of the equation. They are making it all about themselves.

    Ummof4, I’m the only one in my family who is Muslim, as well. It’s weird. I, however, feel favored by Allah. Being that I have no immediate family members who are Muslim along with me, it’s one reason why my wali, his wife and children are so important to me. Allah put them in my life to take care of me, and to be there for me while we’re on this planet. I’m there for them, as well. We truly are an Islamic family.

  • ummof4

    October 16, 2014

    One of my favorite episodes of Big Love was when the youngest wife’s mother came to visit and did not know that her daughter was in a polygynous marriage. The mother saw her son-in-law kissing one of his other wives and thought that he was “having an affair with the next door neighbor”, only to find out that her daughter was one of three wives.

  • ummof4

    October 16, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    I voted and I hope you received it Ana. Gail mentioned TV shows about polygyny and how they have changed some of the public’s perception of polygyny. I just started watching some episodes of Big Love that was on a few years ago. In my life I have experienced some of the same reactions that the wives on the show received from their families and friends when it was discovered that they were in a polygynous marriage. Often people seem to think that women in polygynous marriages are just doormats for their husbands or frumpy old ladies who no one else would want. When I think of the sisters on this blog, I think of accomplished, intelligent women who love their husbands, families, communities, and most importantly love Allah.
    Over the years my family has accepted the fact that my marriage is usually polygynous. All of my family is non-Muslim except for me, my children and one sister-in-law. When my husband married his most recent second wife, all my family wanted to know was where she lived, how old she was, and what she was like.

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    I’m glad you’re back. I missed you much. I’m sorry you have a fever. It’s not uncommon to travel to another country, and come back sick. It has happened to me, too. I hope you and your mom had a fantastic time :-)

    I put the poll up, as I want everyone’s input. You all are the ones who make the blog as successful as it is. If you all aren’t here speaking, it would be a read only blog, which gets quite boring and is not as effective in helping ourselves and others. Therefore, I want you all to call it. My problem is I become to accommodating and forgiving at times and it comes back to bite me in the @$$. It has happened with my younger sister. I said after all these years knowing what she has done to me, family members and other people; I am through with her. I just can’t and won’t take it anymore. A leopard doesn’t change it spots

    I encourage everyone to polygamy 411

  • Laila

    October 16, 2014

    Dear Ana. Just a short one before I hit the sack. Why would you invite a snake into your home knowing very well that all it ever intends to do is spread its venom? Sometimes in life we have to have a hard look at some pockets of women who are nothing short of giving trouble to others and tell them firmly, we do not want to buy your goods. Tq anyway! Thats my response on Lah. Stop creating issues or excuses for ones lack of maturity and intellect. Sorry but i am down with a viral fever. Yes. Ive had enough of the likes of Lah.

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2014

    Lah’s Daughter,

    When I posted about the I.P. addresses, I didn’t call anyone out. I didn’t name any names, nor did I say the examples I gave were actual cases. I was being discreet. I didn’t name any names.

    I don’t make it a practice to check I.P. addresses other than to prevent a person from coming to the blog to post as different people to deceive us or I check to make sure banned people don’t get through.

    Thank you for sharing with us what your cousins advised you about I.P. addresses. I appreciate it

    If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you round about – late teens, early 20s? Just curious. You sound to be a nice person.

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2014

    Gail,

    I don’t see that your vote registered. After you placed your vote did you hit the vote button? I cleared the cache; then I voted and it seems to be okay. I just need to make sure it working or I’d have to find a different poll to put up. Please try it again.

  • Gail

    October 16, 2014

    Ana,
    I voted yes to bring Lah back to the blog but I am so confused about what Lah has actually done to get herself in so much trouble to be honest.I know she was very direct towards what she thought about Laila’s situation but she did try to make amends with Laila I thought after Lah figured out she was being to forward.Now unless Lah has done something else that I don’t know about which may very well be the case since u kinda hinted to me that maybe she has done something else wrong as well then I don’t see the problem of letting her back on the blog but that is just me.
    Lah comes across as having this very strong personality.I think Lah has alot of experience with Polygamy also since she has lived in Polygamy begrudgingly for alot of years.
    Lah really is the embodiment of the real face of Pakistani woman that have no say at all in their husbands taking other wives.
    In USA we have a choice to stay in the marriage or divorce but in countries like Pakistan it is not that easy or even alot of times even an option for a woman to leave a Polygamous marriage.
    In Lah’s case I get this very strong feeling it doesn’t have as much to do with Islam and accepting Polygamy as it has to do with Pakistani culture being very much against Polygamy.
    Ana let me try to explain u notice how important it is for u to keep Polygamy as silent as u can and only the very closest people to u know if I am correct since Polygamy is taboo here in the west and it could cost Alex his Job not to mention the stigma that goes with it.
    Well imagine living in a country like Pakistan where u have all the above same like the west except 100 times more intense.There is no way u can hide your personal information.Sadly even your neighbors know and people feel perfectly free to comment about your personal situation and I am not talking one or two people I am talking every single person feels free to say what they think about your situation.
    Also keep in your mind woman are an extension of their husband and this is also a nightmare because if a woman wants to seek divorce everyone will say it is her fault without exception.Even in the case of polygamy people will say and think in their minds she could not keep her husband satisfied so he went and took another wife.Now obviously in situations like this it would make perfect since as to why the first wife would verbally bash the second wife because the second wife being Pakistani knew that the first wife would have to eat crow everywhere to put it nicely.
    Coco has kinda touched on the topic very lightly here the other day when she mentioned about people giving her a hard time.I am certain her Pakistani relatives flat tell her u can get any Pakistani man why u marry with a married man.It would blow their minds and they may very well think someone has black magic on her.It would not surprise me a bit if people have told Coco this.
    The point I am trying to make is practicing Polygamy is very very different depending on what part of the world u live in.Some societies are more tolerant than others.One should not assume that because Pakistan,Iran,Saudi Arabi,Kuwait,Africa,etc… are Islamic countries that Polygamy is OKIE DOKEY! Islam may very well allow Polygamy and that is fine and dandy but CULTURE is a whole other ballgame entire.
    Ana I think woman like Lah seek out the blog to try to understand how on earth other woman can accept Polygamy esp…. woman like American woman who have everything and do not need or have to accept Polygamy choose to accept it.I think it must be mind blowing to woman like Lah and other woman from poor countries where it is forced upon them to either accept polygamy or divorce with very little to no chance of remarrying because they r no longer a virgin knowing that your family very well may be poor in alot of cases or simply the girl don’t want to be a burden on her family for the rest of her life.
    The majority of woman in Pakistan do rely only on their husbands income and her inlaws as financial means.People talk if a wife works in Pakistan from what my husband has told me and that alone keeps woman down.Until woman change their thinking and stand up and demand to work and fight for their rights and feel empowered I believe Polygamy will always be looked down upon in these societies as a woman just has to take it.
    Maybe I am wrong here but Polygamy in Pakistan is seen much like The scarlet letter A( for Adultery.I think even in USA it has very much been viewed the same way but shows like sister wives and my 5 wives have come out and started to shed some light on Polygamous marriages.We need more people to come out and say HEY this is the lifestyle my family has chosen and we are happy.
    I think until families become stronger and wives stop seeing their husband as some kind of personal prize they won to get that man to the alter then Polygamy will never really be accepted.
    I tell u the truth at first I seen my cowife as a threat when I found out and like any other woman I wanted to get rid on that threat obviously.
    After awhile and all the fights and arguments were over I sat and thought a good long while about my situation and Polygamy in general and came to the conclusion that Number 1.Polygamy should NOT be practiced unless everyone is on the same page or sheet of music I think u say Ana.
    Number 2. Sharing a husband is not a big deal at all if the cowives have their own relationship separate than their husband where they can talk and deal their family issues without all the time putting hubby in the middle.
    Number 3. If u r going to enter Polygamy learn to be a giver and a gracious receiver as well. I really do believe alot of us woman not meaning to at all but we do walk around with a chip on our shoulders when it comes to our cowives/excowife in my case.
    I know for me I would just wait until she tried to open her mouth and I was ready to nix whatever she wanted right in the bud.I wanted her to make certain she knew I had the upper hand.Ok now looking back I think WTF was I thinking I really want to slap my ownself.Who died and gave me the right to 24/7 have the upper hand.It was a horrible character flaw I saw in myself.Maybe some or all of u ladies can relate to feeling this way and it comes from a place of jealousy and anger in my personal case.I was miserable and I wanted both of them to suffer my misery right along with me and I made certain they did.After all It was their fault I was in that situation.WELLLL Now I see it different.NO it was not their fault I was in that situation I did not have to get on a plane and fly to Pakistan and marry a man I have never met in person thinking he was Jesus understand.
    Like u say Ana and I believe this Allah willed this for my life.I truly can’t explain it any other way.Even here it is 12 yrs later and I am still with my husband now understanding he is not Jesus.I choose to stay with him even after knowing the truth.I do not hate my excowife and infact I love and miss her very much even though I know she is struggling and I can not trust her.
    I will stop now I have went way to long in this post sorry for that.
    Ana I know u want the blog to be pro polygamy but for alot of woman in polygamy it is very hard when they r emotionally struggling to see the good in Polygamy when both wives are struggling to get along.I think woman like Lah must find it amazing to see other woman dealing and living with Polygamy.I know I do.I made a huge mess of my Polygamous marriage and I do struggle with how I handled it.
    Also let me very clear something I have not mentioned in the past but believe it is very important.The husband has the right to remarry I accept that BUT THE HUSBAND DOES NOTTTTTT have the right to tell any of his wives to not have relationships and talk and try to make the marriage work.
    I learned this the very hard way I used my own husband against his first wife and she tried the same with me.Do not try to manipulate/give your personal power to your husband by b!tching about your cowife just simply tell your cowife your issues and try to work out a solution between the both of u.If u have desire to have a close polygamous marriage with your husband and cowife like in my case.
    Ana’s type of marriage is also fine I think as long as there are not children involved.
    If the wives are younger and have children I think it is worth it to make the effort to try to befriend your cowife if u desire a loving polygamous marriage.ok finally enough!lol

  • Lah

    October 16, 2014

    Thanks Anabellah, I don’t know anyone other than my mother posting from Pakistan. I know Spirited is from Pakistan but she lives in a western country. Are there other regular visitors here who currently live in Pakistan. I looked at google map for the USA city name that you mentioned. It is very close to where my other engineer cousin works in USA. My cousin has advised us not to give real email on the internet. Thanks for the message anyway.

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone

    Please note: I’ve added a poll to the home page of the blog on the right-hand sidebar. I kindly ask all to vote, one vote per person.

    Thank you!

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2014

    @Lah’s daughter,

    In the posts in which I spoke about I.P. addresses, I did not say there was an indication that Lah’s posts were coming from Pakistan and not the U.S. I simply gave examples of how some people could say they are posting from a particular location, but may actually be posting from another and I gave people an idea of how I.P. addresses work.I can’t recall that anyone on this blog has harassed your mother or why you think they would. To the best of my recollection, I have not let anyone harass another on this blog. People have strenuously disagreed with one another, but no one has been allowed to harass another here.

    Some may ask why I don’t email people oppose to putting information that may be hurtful or embarrassing to them on the blog. I cannot get emails to people who don’t have valid email addresses.

  • Lah

    October 16, 2014

    Lah’s daughter again. I saw the comment about our location not showing Pakistan but USA. I asked my cousin, a software engineer how is this possible. He said he set up a virtual server or something so that he can access content that’s only available for US IP address. I don’t care what you all think about us but wanted to clarify in case my mom wants to continue participation in blog when she comes back. I do not want her to get harassed here for no fault of hers

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2014

    Fatima, Good afternoon, to you too

    I can’t remember when we ordered our class rings, only that they were ridiculously high in priced way back then. I still have mine. In fact, I tried it on not long ago. This guy I dated in my first year of college gave me a beautiful jewelry music box. It’s a nice medium size, ivory in color with floral design on it. It’s shaped like a dresser with the legs, all the drawers and a mirror. It absolutely beautiful. It plays the melody of the theme song from the movie , “Love Story.” I have my high school ring in it. Your girls are getting older way quickly. I suppose they’ll be off to college before you know it. The next thing you know, you’ll blink your eyes and they’ll be married with children and you’ll be a grandma LOL

    Fatima, I could imagine how crazy your businesses get around the holidays, especially on “Black Friday”. Yep, you better get yourself psychologically prepared for it otherwise you’ll be a basket case

    The scrolling down to the bottom of the page was driving me crazy too. I’m hoping he could pull it off with no problem. He’s in India. It’s night time there right now. He’s done work for me before. I like him, as he’s been very professional, reliable and reasonable in price.

  • ~Fatima~

    October 15, 2014

    Good afternoon everyone!
    @Aishsha.. good to see you on here. I always enjoyed reading your posts..
    @Ana.. Thankyou sooooo much for trying to move the posts at the top of the page.. haha. It will be more pleasnt then all the scrolling
    Hubby has been working waaaay to much getting ready for the holiday season sales.. I hate working black Friday sales.. ughhhhhh. But we always do.. big sales day.. but headache for me..ughh
    My daughters ordered class rings.. never heard of ordering them in a sophmore year.. but their school does..
    I lost mine years ago.. :(
    Well. Gotta get back to work…

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    Insha Allah, the technician will work on the site today in an effort to change the positioning of comment box, so you may not be able to comment for a while. This should be completed today. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you. Thank you!

  • coco

    October 15, 2014

    Ana
    OMG yes I have! My favourite was double dark chocolate! And I agree it’s to die for ummm but yes not literally :P hehe Waiting to try German chocolate cake once I’m back in the states heard it’s absolutely divine slurppppppp! :D

  • coco

    October 15, 2014

    Gail
    Thank you for your kind words :) Things seem stable thankfully we’ve been pretty busy he’s been tied up with tournaments around the country and has also applied for his papers/visa procedure to play abroad while I’ve been under a very hectic schedule as I’m working on a new collection and will head to the states in December. He seems to be more calmer and kinder when referring to his wife I don’t sense the bitterness as I did in the past which has put me in peace. He still says that he doesn’t love her but does respect her and she’s a understanding girl that he cares for, he is in the process of getting the message across to her but veryyyyyyyyy slowly stating things like he wants to have a second wife and wants to get married again. He says she pulls a face but doesn’t say anything in return as she’s aware that islamically he is allowed to do so. He seems very strong and assertive about how he will handle “us” as a trio so I find myself in a state of utter serenity mashAllah I think the choice of a woman to embrace polygyny or not depends on the husband as he plays a pivotal role like is he able to make both feel secure, respected and equal while separate. How he deals with both wives is crucial in setting the tone for how the wives will respond to each other and him.

  • coco

    October 15, 2014

    Aishah2014
    Hey, good to see you here and know that your doing well!
    Stay blessed :)

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    I’m trying to see if there is someone I could get to move the comment box to the top to make it easier than scrolling through hundreds of comments to get to the bottom for the comment box. I know it could drive one crazy on cellphones. I have to see if it’s cost effective. The company I got the theme from said I’d probably need to hire a developer to do it. We shall see. I try to figure out ways to make things easier for everyone.

    @Gail,

    Insha Allah, you’ll have more energy later tomorrow. You didn’t have to tell me not to look at needles when getting an injection. ScaredI don’t care what the needle looks like, how small or thin. I’m not looking unless it one of those tuberculosis tests, I used to have to take for my job, or acupuncture needles. I can handle those.

    @Aishah,

    Your avatar is a bit creepy LOL

    @coco,

    Did you ever try “Talenti Gelato”. Oh, my goodness. I love it! especially the mediterranian (mint chocolate chip) or the chocolate chip. It’s to die for – but not really Figure of speech LOL

  • Gail

    October 14, 2014

    Aishah2014,
    Hey girl how r u doing.I am so happy u are also here.I am dying to know more about your situation in detail.Thank u for thinking about me.I had my double biopsy yesterday and although i feel so tired and have been in the bed all day I feel some better tonight.

  • Gail

    October 14, 2014

    Coco,
    Yes yes I totally remember u 100% now thank u for reminding me.I had u mixed up with one of the other girls.I can’t remember her ID name at this time.What has happened so far with u and your guy?Has he told his wife yet?Gosh I can’t believe I let u slip my mind.I am alot more calm than I use to be regarding Polygamy.I am like live and let live if u want Polygamy then go for it but one a woman should go into polygamy with the mindset that chances are her cowife may not embrace Polygamy the same exact way she does.
    I am no longer living Polygamy but I am sure not against it and I can see the beauty in Polygamy even more strongly than before since I have been going through this health crisis.Please fill me in what is going on with u.I didn’t get to tell u before on the blog but I really admired your ability to want to try polygamy and I really think u would be a fair and just cowife.

  • coco

    October 14, 2014

    Gail
    I’m the one who’s intended is a Pathan sportsman that had to marry his cousin by parents pressure so regardless of being with him from quite some time before I will have to come in as a second wife. You had wanted to shake me many times like salt & pepper on a bland plate of food hehehe I had posted about the law of detachment in the past and we had a similar surge of positive energy when it comes to life if that rings a bell. FYI Coldstone ice cream and TCBY frozen yogurt is a weakness but so is chocolate and most things made of sugar lol just thought I’d throw that in ;)

  • anabellah

    October 14, 2014

    Aishah2014, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’ve been thinking about you and Lynnette, and have been meaning to email you two in case you didn’t know the blog was back up. In fact, I was just thinking about the two of you right before I clicked to check the comment. Lo and behold, it was you. I am sooooooo happy to see you, Aishah

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back to chat with you all. Hugs to you Aishah {{{hugs}}}

  • Aishah2014

    October 14, 2014

    Salaams.ivebeen reading along for a little bit.I was excited when I found out blog was up again,but I’ve been pretty busy so haven’t written.also with all that went down with blog I realized I am maybe more recognizable than I think if someone is reading (maybe thinking co or hub,don’t think they read it,and if they did,I haven’trelated what wwasn’t true.)its great to be able to get it out.where am I at?just taking care of me and kids and not worrying about those two.saving $,still married at this time.Ana,thank you for your words,but for myself,Iam fine ,I ddon’t mind Marie saying that at all.things that used to hurt don’t hurt usually anymore.Marie,I’m not offended,but yes,in this situation,you are fortunate,a couple minutes late is just a couple min.late.and yes would probably beworse if it were a brand new woman instead of mom of kids.Gail iI’m praying u r OK.Ina hang in there. I think the “equipment failure” is ironic.its like if the man who wants 2 wives can’t perform with 2 wives…Didi be safe.Hello Laila,Ummoh4,Spirited,Coco,and anyone else I missed

  • anabellah

    October 14, 2014

    Marie,

    It’s okay. We all do things unintentionally that we may not be aware may offend others.

    Everyone here,

    If I do or say something you think is inappropriate, please feel free to email me about it or write it on a post. I don’t mean things like – oh, you shouldn’t say that about that other and such. It’s a personal problem I will deal with and may already been dealing with, with my Lord. I’ve got my issues too.

    I’m not talking the don’t listen to Music and don’t post pics and personal things such as it. I don’t want to address those issues here. It’s not that type of party. I mean a situation in which I offend someone personally or hurt someones feelings unnecessarily. I don’t want this to be a do and don’t blog. Some people’s got some serious hangups with do’s and don’ts: Oh, my sister, don’t say this. Oh, my sister, don’t do that. Bad, bad sister. Please save it for another forum. Furthermore, to those who aren’t a part of the blog and want to throw their two cents, please save it and keep it for yourself.

  • Marie

    October 14, 2014

    Ana, wa alaykum asalaam,

    Thank you for bringing it to my attention. Now I read it back I see how it comes across. Insha’allah I’ll remember in future.

    Didi and aisha, I’m very sorry if I hurt your feelings or made you not want to write, it was not my intention. I honestly don’t want to offend or upset anyone here.

  • anabellah

    October 14, 2014

    @Sis Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I don’t want to call you out, but in the future it would help if you said something like, “after listening to all the stories here, I find I don’t have much to complain about” or something to that effect rather than saying, “After reading about Didi and Aishah’s husbands, I’m glad I’ve got my husband. ” You may think and feel that way, which is okay, but think about how it makes Didi and Aishah feel to read it. There is no sense in making them feel like sh!t. You could tell them you think their husbands are jacked up without rubbing it in their faces that their husbands are jacked up. I’m just saying, use some tact… please. The way you put it makes people not want to talk about their situation.

    Everyone, please keep in mind we don’t want to hurt our blog sisters and brothers here in our writings, if we can help it. We could speak truthfully, but consider what we write and how we write it.

  • Gail

    October 14, 2014

    Didi,
    Don’t feel bad ok we r just here to help u.U know your own husband better than anyone and u know how much u r willing to take before u walk away and to me u really don’t seem to be there yet I think which is ok as long as u feel u can improve your marriage.All I was trying to convey to u is since u are so unhappy start making changes to improve yourself and make yourself stronger because honestly u r the only person u can control so in that respect u are going to have to be the one to make the change u desire to see in your marriage because he is busy with his other wife understand.
    Didi I lost a lot of years being miserable and just unhappy in my life.I have now been faced with the real possible chance of having cancer.It has made me see my marriage in a totally different light.
    I always new I loved my husband but I did not always feel his love in return when we were going though those horrible years.
    OK I am going to be honest here my husband is the type of man that he would never tell me no to buy anything or at least he never has but he is very hard mentally and never listens to me when it came to his parents living with us or doing morally right things.He hid things from me.We had trust issues big time.The bottom line he was acting very immature and up until a few months back I seriously thought to divorce him because he was going more worse and on a self destruction course.Between my health issues and his moral sins coming out in the wash he has had a huge wake up call.
    In saying all this I have my life agenda planned out and it involved buying real estate.I have not changed my mind from this plan and have talked about it on the blog for awhile now and that is still my goal and plan come next year.I just wanted u to try to take your focus off your husband and focus on yourself and your kids and try to get yourself in a happy place understand.
    I think your husband is scared since he is a little bit of a celebrity in your area.Do people know he is polygamous?If not maybe he is really scared and lashes out at u thinking he can’t trust u to keep the secret?Or it can be people do know he is polygamous and he is scared and not trusting u that u will open your mouth and say he is not a good husband understand.U need to figure out what the deal is understand then try to rest his mind u r not against him.I will say from my own experience my husband was telling me all the time he did not trust me before my health scare and now he is so emotional at the thought I am going through this.Men r strange creatures is all I can say.I just want to see u happy because everyone deserves to be happy.

  • Ina

    October 14, 2014

    Waalaikumsalam Marie,
    Mashallah, you have a developed a great attitude towards your marriage and other wife. You are handling things admirably. I feel the same way as you about not being able to discuss certain issues. Suddenly, there is a part of husband that you no longer know. Before if he was away from home for a few hours, you ask where he went, what did he do, what did he buy at the shops? Now, you stop yourself from asking these questions because you know he was talking to the other on the phone or buying present for her or sorting out their home. If you see him unhappy after a phone call, you don’t want to ask why he is sad. You have think twice before starting a conversation.

    @Didi, your husband should not be hitting you at all for wanting to discuss issues in your marriage. If a man lashes out once then you can say it’s one-off he just lost control. When he has done it more than once, you cannot make excuses for him anymore. Please take care of yourself.

  • anabellah

    October 14, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    It was a super warm day out there today. I wasn’t dressed appropriately. I failed to check the weather and just assumed it would be the same type of weather we’ve been having, which has been nice, but not as warm. This time of year we never know how to dress where I live. Today was an Indian summer day where I am.

    @coco,

    Sounds you had a nice relaxing day. I meant to say I like your avatar a lot. It’s way cute. I have loads of fun with my emoticons, as you can see LOL

    @Didi,

    It’s okay. I understand you don’t want everyone coming down hard on your hubby. No one wants someone talking badly about someone they love unless we’re in on bashing the one we love, then it’s okay LOL

    Please know we only want the best for you. We don’t want you to have to live in fear. We want to know you are safe. He needs to show you some love. You know it’s not just us who feel this way about your hubby. You said a friend of yours said he was “Pathological.” We could only imagine what you’re going through, but you’re the one living it. I’m sure your husband has some redeeming qualities. I don’t think he’s a monster. He is scary though, based on what you’ve said.

    I’d just like to see you get to a safe place in your marriage. I didn’t think your husband hoots and hollers at you all the time – only when you say something to him that he doesn’t like. Still, it makes you feel you’re walking on egg shells all the time, not wanting to set him off. It was way cold of him to not come home and go to the hospital with you that day when you needed him with you. :-(

    Didi, there may come a time when you’ll have to have a heart to heart with your husband, calmly, if you could. Find out what he wants to do. If he tells you that he wants to leave, and be with her only, then you know where you stand. You have to be ready to hear the truth whatever it may be. If he lets you know he doesn’t want to leave you and the children and won’t leave (his intent), you have to calmly let him know that you don’t feel safe with him. You fear to speak your mind, which you should be able to do. Let him know that you want him and you to work on the marriage. Try to leave the other wife out of it. He’ll only become defensive, if you bring her in. Try not to talk about the polygamous situation now until you can get to a better place in your marriage.

    I agree with, I think it was, coco who said he is probably just biding his time, waiting for the other to get comfortable in the marriage and then he’ll let his guard down, and become himself – if he hasn’t done so already. He may react towards her the same as he does towards you when he’s angry. I’m not wishing it on her. I am only saying, don’t think it’s only you who is getting the treatment.

    You have to weigh the pros and cons about your marriage, as Gail stated, and determine what you’d like to see happen in your marriage. You must turn to Allah for help and guidance. You must ask Him to keep you and your children safe.

  • Gail

    October 14, 2014

    Coco,
    I am trying to remember your story please forgive me.Are u the teacher that has an older Pakistani Fiance.You met his family and u found out his dad is polygamous or living with the second wife?I am sorry I have to ask my mind is not so sharp these days.If this is the same person i am thinking of u said Ice Cream was your weakness and u bought a machine that makes frozen fruit into ice cream i think if I am thinking correct.

  • Gail

    October 14, 2014

    Coco,
    I thank u for your positive advice about my condition.I did very well and impressed myself going through the double biopsy.I will say this I do not have pain just a small amount of soreness and no bruising at all my boobs look amazingly great and the same as they always do with a very small tiny hole which is nothing.I will say this not to scare anyone because that is the last thing i would ever want to do it really was no pain involved but the needles holy cow were so long.The longest I have ever saw to be frank and that was mental torture seeing and feeling the biopsy needle so long go inside your boob.Soooo in saying all this I would suggest any woman having to go for biopsy either close your eyes or look away and never look at the instruments.I worked OBGYN for years and years and I can seriously drain anyone of blood and eat a sandwich and drink a coke doing it and not think one thing about it but when it comes to me being stuck with a something that seriously looks a foot long in my boobs yeah it is not a good mental place to be.So my suggestion Don’t look at the biopsy instruments turn away.Another thing I am curious for any of u woman out there that had biopsy done is it normal to feel so exhausted?I am so so very tired today.I swear my entire body/muscles ache and are tired.I am hoping i will feel more normal tommorow.

  • coco

    October 14, 2014

    Hey there my loves!

    Hope everyone’s having a fabulous day! I’ve had a long exhausting day unwinding now sipping green tea with digestive dark chocolate chip oat biscuits in other words I’m in my happy place ;) ummof4, Ana and Ina thank you I’m really happy and feel blessed to be here as well. Ina I agree very cheeky I love my avatar I feel it suits my mood most of the time lol ;)

    P.S Ana I still get all wired up in jealousy when I see you using all these new emoticons ;) :D

  • Gail

    October 14, 2014

    Didi,
    I agree with Ana seriously think if u love him and are still devoted to him and want to be married to him.You may have to make a list to figure out the pros and cons.If the list comes out that u really love him and devoted to the marriages and he supports u financially etc…then by all means stay in the marriage but I would warn u if he is financially supporting u then u need to somehow figure out how to work and make money and keep it separate.The blog has really been an advocate I believe for encouraging woman to have their separate income just in case u find yourself needing a divorce.
    As far as your self worth u will have to work on that and understand u r not any less than anyone else and start believing it and a very good way to do that is try to see yourself through your children’s eyes.They think u are wonderful and beautiful and wonder woman and u need to see what they see and stand up for yourself.Again I don’t know what country u are in and it really doesn’t matter because u have a voice and I would use it to stand up for your rights but leave all that for now U need to start believing in your self worth and and get your mom and family behind u.Once you start working and put the effort in on your self and start thinking it is very rude of him to act this way towards u and u flat tell his smart butt that u r not going to take anymore lip from him and mean it and flat go to your moms next time he starts his crap then u will call his bluff but more importantly u will start become mentally stronger.You will have to baby step your way through this either way to save your marriage.If u simply do nothing I believe he will continue to walk over u and it may very well go worse.So be brave and safe and get your family behind u.
    Listen I am not advocating divorce but believe me u can have a great life it is not the end of the world and there are alot of great single men who desire to have a devoted wife.I agree with Ana your husband is no prize and not just your husband but any husband or wife that is wasting time in their marriages is not a prize.Again I am not advocating u divorce but I am advocating u change yourself and not let this bull crap with him keep continuing and grow a backbone I am trying to say and get this emotional and physical abuse stopped and if that means separation or divorce then so be it girl.U believe in G.D /Allah use that strength and your faith to make a change is my advice.

  • Didi

    October 14, 2014

    Hi everyone. Just wanted to stop by and write something real quick.
    I just wanted to say that my husband is not THAT big of a monster. He doesnt hit me or scream at me ALL the time, only when I say something he doesnt like. Having said that,I know that the behaviour is abnormal and that I should have the right to be able to express my unhappiness in a safe environment, which he is not giving me.
    I’m only writing all these coz I was afraid I might have given some people the idea that he is a total brute.
    Peace out, y’all.
    Will write later, insyaAllah

  • coco

    October 14, 2014

    Didi
    The pain you are bearing is unimaginable for one, you not only have to deal with your husband bringing someone into the marriage who he seems to be overly smitten over but to make it worse your not even getting empathy or affection from him and he’s actually emotionally and physically draining you like some invalid. In all honesty I reckon he may be all over her since the marriage is new and is just waiting till she slips so deep in his love and he’s ASSURED she won’t leave him, then he will take out his claws and ugly side it’s only a matter of time! he is being extra cautious with her as she’s also a mini celebrity if she were to speak out his career may go down the toilet! So it may not be that he’s leaning towards her but actually out of fear. Men who oppress woman are mere cowards he is damaged goods, please don’t let him be the means of happiness and peace in your life only you can bring that within you. Do not grieve have faith in Allah and I will say the same thing I said to Ina that a woman is stronger than they give themselves credit for. He cannot break you only you can, don’t lose faith our prayers are always answered it’s just a matter of time. I’m going to leave you with this hang in there sister… xo

    When you go through a hard period,
    When everything seems to oppose you,
    When you feel you cannot even bear one more minute,
    NEVER GIVE UP!
    Because it is the time and place that the course will divert!
    Rumi

  • coco

    October 14, 2014

    Gail
    Oops I just realised I forgot to send your post I was sending many at the same time somehow yours never went thru! Anyways I missed your non-intentional humour and candid words I’m praying for your health and happiness you just need to keep the positivity flowing around you and you will be just fine I have a gut feeling everything will come back clear inshAllah :) it was nice to hear the test weren’t as painful as you may have expected :) Much love xo

  • Marie

    October 14, 2014

    Sorry, I clicked send by accident, marashallah

    Ina, that’s what iv said, she can even pick the time if it makes her feel better and more in control, it would only be fooling herself, Allahs in control, she can bring no harm or no good to me. if she had bad intentions, so what, its her book of deeds and she can fill it how she wishes. I have no reason to meet face to face. I suggested the idea of a meeting from the get go (ummof4’s advice) she declined, now they have problems, they want a meeting. My husband asked me if I think polygyny is working for us, I said other than the fact I don’t want a co wife im ok, iv benefited from it, I honestly think he’s doing well. I agree with Ana that we should go easy on them. I want to receive mercy and forgiveness so I should try to have it for others. I know he finds it stressful not being able to talk to me about some issues, we’ve never not been able to discuss something, sometimes he blurts out things, then stops himself. but its always the same sentence, he’s not being fair, he’s showing favoritism. I think her underlying issue is that she expected her and our husbands relationship to go back to how they was 10 years ago. where she could manipulate the situation by throwing a tantrum, it doesn’t work with him anymore and she don’t like it. which brings me to the meeting, in an effort to gain control of the husband she has to gain control of me, she fails to realize Allah’s in control and she will get nothing more and nothing less than what’s already willed for her.

  • Marie

    October 14, 2014

    asalamu alaykum all,

    @Ana, yes, that is what I meant. if he says my time begins at 8.00pm that’s what time I will expect him. in the past I would be watching out the window for magrib to come in, if he wasn’t there I would complain. (he was only ever a few minute’s late, 10 mins at most) then I thought, forget this, im not arguing over a few minute’s. at least I have a husband to come home and he didn’t get hit by a bus on his way here. hes trying his best to be fair, and after reading about husbands like didi and Aisha I should be grateful to allah that he gave me a good husband.

    Yes, I do think he wants to sit us both down and lay it out like you said. but im not the one nagging him. the only reason I can think that he wants me there is to prove that he tells me the same thing that he tells her. im only going to hear what iv already heard. I don’t have time for it, im more concerned with achieving in the hereafter, not the dunya. my intention is to use every situation weather good or bad to praise Allah and learn patience, there are many ayat in the Quran about the good that believers will have in the hereafter if one practice’s patience. I remember my teacher at the masjid said, how many things in a day are geared towards achieving our ultimate goal (jannah).

    Ina,

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2014

    I had to go back in there and make a change to the post to Didi. I meant “isolate” not “ostracize”. I was fishing for the word, but had already posted it when the correct word came to mind.

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2014

    @Gail,

    I’m so happy everything went smoothly for you and you were in very little pain. Alhumudulliah!!! It was nice your husband accompanied you; although, he could not be inside the room when the procedure was done. You had nice, professional staff there. What a blessing. How nice of the lady to hold your hand. Gail, you’re a very likeable person. I know it’s difficult for you to wait another week for the results. Try not to dwell on it, if you could. Keep yourself busy with your family, and do fun things. You’ve prepared yourself as best you can for all possibilities. So you’re on top of things as much as you could be. Stay strong, Sis.

    @Didi,

    You mustn’t be so hard on yourself. No, you are not a horrible person. You mustn’t beat up on yourself. Sometimes I find myself being hard on me and I have to force myself to stop it. It’s good you recognize where you need work with regard to your faith. It’s a good thing. When Allah wants good for us, He lets us see our faults. No one is free from faults.

    We all have a personal jihad (battle). We have to battle with ourselves all the time. If we don’t, our lower self (naf) takes over and we are astray at that point. We all get jealous, envious, angry and all those negative things, but we have to learn to counteract it, subdue it, subjugate it. It takes time. It takes patience, perseverance and prayer. Allah has to help us. We can’t do it alone. We need Allah’s help.

    Eventually we see ourselves making progress. There will come a time when we say, woh, I just felt a tinge of envy just now; woh, that’s not cool, and we nip it in the bud. We pull ourselves together. We shake it off. We recognize it and it’s gone. It doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. No. Life is a constant battle with ourselves, with Satan and Satan’s agents (human ones out there, wanting to destroy us and do us harm – evil beings).

    You’re going to be okay with the help and permission of Allah. I’ve been Muslim for 29 years now. Yes, I’m still battling just like everyone else. Some probably recognize when I’m not at my best when I’m here. I may be talking about someone whom I dislike when I need to keep my mouth shut and such. I’m just like the rest of you, trying to get it right. Sigh…

    Didi,

    I don’t know whether your husband was always the way you described him to be with you. Did he get worse when he married her or he only became that way when he married her? It still doesn’t sound good at all. You said he is emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse sometimes. He’s trying to isolate you from your family and friends, don’t want you to have an emotional outlet. It’s all signs of domestic abuse.

    You say you don’t want her to win. What would she win? Being married less than a year is still the honeymoon period. You said they are both mini celebrities. It bring about a bit of a high for both of them. Who is to say that once they settle into the marriage somewhat better he won’t become abusive towards her, as well, if he hasn’t already been. Men who abuse women usually aren’t selective. It’s what they do. You don’t want to let her and him have each other??? They sound to deserve each other. You’re not holding onto a prize – I don’t want to sound mean. The people who usually say they don’t want the other to have him have something to lose. Their husbands offer them something worth holding onto. Don’t sell yourself short. I have to run for now, but I’ll be back, Insha Allah. Didi, I don’t want to intentionally hurt your feelings. Stay with us…

    I have to catch up here. I’ve fallen behind in reading, as well.

  • Didi

    October 13, 2014

    @gail thank you for your kind words sister. I was actually going to come back later to write to you about your medical situation. But I just read your comments and decided to write in right now. Hehe. Hope everything goes well for you and that everything turns out alright. I was going to tell you that I have had lumps removed from my right breast once when I was 18, and that I still have some more now. Went to the hospital recently and had to wait from 9am till 12noon before anyone actually attended to me. Goodness, all that waiting was already physically and emotionally draining. Went by myself because the hubs was angry with me (for bringing up the polygamy subject) and didn’t come home. Didnt even ask how the check up went until after a few days went by! That should give a clue as to how he feels abt me. Haha. Ok enough abt me.

    I am so glad the check up went smoothly for you. And that it was mostly pain-free. And that you had all that support during the check up, Alhamdulillah. InsyaAllah, I will make dua that the results come back with happy news. Ameen.

  • Didi

    October 13, 2014

    @Ana I feel like I just had to reply to your latest message first because it is so true. EVERYTHING that you said was right on the money. Even my advice to Ina. Subhanallah! After I hit send and read what I wrote, I realized that I never mentioned anything spiritual or religious. Thank you for pointing it out though.
    It only dawned on me a while ago how weird my husbands actions are, after listening to other women’s problems with their husbands. The husbands dont act the way mine does; they are more open, they are able to communicate with their wives. My friend has on a few occasion called my husband ‘pathalogical’. I wasn’t so sure at the time, but now I’m inclined to agree with her. Lol. The problem is, I can’t just up and leave. In addition to having no money, place or job of my own..it would also (in my mind) mean that they have ‘won’. The MOST important reason though, is that I did istikharah and Allah has decided that its not my time to leave yet. I admit that I’m not as close to Allah as I would like to be..I really try but there are times when I forget. I know that when my faith is really high, I can look down at this material world and dismiss my pains and heartache as being insignificant and silly. But I’m not on that ‘euphoric high’ all the time, and when I come crashing down to earth, it really hurts! One reason I like coming here and reading your articles is because some of the things you say help me to stay on track. They help me to calm down and focus on what’s most important, which is Allah. Alhamdulillah.

    @Ummof4 Thank you for the reminder to place Allah first in our lives :)
    It has been suggested to me several times that perhaps my husband will listen to someone he respects. I myself have thought of it. However, this is not a likely option. First of all, he doesnt respect anyone enough to let them correct his behaviour and take it (them listing his faults) lying down, not even his own father. Second, and Ana was correct when she said that anybody trying to mediate will just anger him and that anger will surely be directed at me..because I dared tell anyone about our situation. He has banned me from speaking to two of my friends because he spied on our conversations and they were speaking badly about him. My mother has also talked me into leaving him, and he saw that conversation, and has forbade me to tell my mother anything about him. I don’t feel as much physically abused as I do emotionally. I feel completely oppressed emotionally.

    The funny thing is, he treats his new wife and her family so well. Ive discussed this with my mother and I just don’t know if its because I’m such a horrible person that he needs to treat me that way or if he’s just putting up an act for his new family.
    @Ana what do you think?

    @Ina I dont know your husbands character so I cant say how he will act once they’re married, but with you, it sounds like your future co-wife is the problem. For me, its the husband who’s showing too much enthusiasm for his new wife. I think she’s just as into him, but she can play it cool coz he’s doing all the chasing. I’ve been married almost 10 yrs and theirs is one month short of a year. Yes, maybe theyre still in the honeymoon period and maybe it will wear off, but it just HURTS so much to know that he prefers another girl. Sigh. At least you have your father-in-law to talk to him, my FIL says he’s on my side and that he supports me, but once my back is turned, he starts praising the other one. I was like, whaaat?!

    I feel like there’s soo much more I want to say, but I feel too overwhelmed right now. Maybe another time. Thank you sisters for your advice and empathy.

  • Gail

    October 13, 2014

    Ana and everyone,
    I got back home about an hour ago.I am doing really well.I do have some pain but on a scale from 1 to 10 I am feeling around a 2 or 3 so nothing bad at all.The biopsies were basically pain free which was amazing.I just laid on a bed and they did both of them it was super simple and the pain level was ranged from nothing to a 1 and max 2.
    My boobs don’t really feel pain right now but more like slight cramping nothing bad at all.They wouldn’t let hubby go in with me but there were 3 woman there and one held my hand while the ultrasound tech and doc did there jobs.They put titanum markers in both breast to mark the tumors.
    The Doctor said the tumor in my right breast is the size of a pea and he left breast is not quite as double in size as the right so they r small.
    He told me he was not worried to much about the larger one he was more concerned about the smaller one.I have to wait until next Monday to get my results.

    Didi,
    I read your post and I wish I could reach out and give u a huge hug.I am so sorry u are having such a hard time with your husband and cowife.I don’t like the ideal of your husband hitting u that sounds cruel to me and I am sorry u can not talk to your husband.I went through years where I could not speak to my husband without arguing and I know how it feels to live in that kind of marriage.
    Didi just remember your self worth dose not depend on how your husband treats you.I am sure u already know this as u seem to be a highly intelligent woman.
    I am curious though is your husband newly married or has he been married for awhile?I also know it sucks when the husband favors one wife over the other.My excowife actually cried to me and was consumed with the thought that our husband loved me more than her.I tried to comfort her and told her that why she care the kids and I love her and hubby would come around just give him some time.I think everything takes time to figure out.
    Again I am really sorry to hear your husband physically abuses you.I hope that stops.

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2014

    Didi, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Yes, Didi, you are right. The Jenny I spoke of was “Happy” Jenny… The problem is Jenny didn’t tell us the whole truth about her husband and his pedigree. Truth is important. One needs the entire truth and a clear picture to comment accurately and effectively. Jenny made her husband out to be 100% Muslim when he has a Jewish mother. If one is going to blog, give truthful facts, and don’t misled people unnecessarily. She made it sound as though her husband was straight up Muslim, and had turned his back on his Muslim heritage

    Didi, I’m glad you moved past your paranoia and wrote here. Your situation is far more serious than that of others here. Your husband screams and hits you when you try to talk with him about how unfair he is towards you in the marriage. A husband and a wife should be able to talk with each other without being fearful. You are not your husband’s slave.

    You say he is, “too sensitive” and he has a “very fragile ego.” You have made excuses for his bad behavior towards you. It’s what women who are abused do.

    The more important problem is that he assaults you, not that he is not fair with his time. Some Muslims have said a man only needs to lay his head on the pillow on the schedule night for it to be considered a night and considered just and fair

    I would not suggest you get anyone involved to talk with your husband about how unfair he is towards you, as he is bound to beat/hit you for doing so. He has a history of hitting you. If he doesn’t want to hear from you (his wife), he certainly would take offense, if you were to bring an outsider (especially another man) into his personal business.

    I don’t know what country you live in, but I’m hoping there is a domestic violence center or shelter where you could go to obtain information about what to do in a situation such as yours. You could research it online, as well. There is plenty of information online about it.

    It’s good that you could go to your best friend and your mom to vent. You could certainly vent here, as well. Usually women find it in them at a point to leave the marriage. It’s difficult to advise you, as I don’t think it is as easy as telling you to pick up your children, and just leave him.

    There may come a time when you would have to ask him to leave you and the children and go stay with his other wife. You need to have an exit plan and, at least, let your mom and your best friend know there may come a time when you will need to call on them for emergency help.

    You said all good things to Ina about not being able to change people and how she has to plan fun times and outings with her children. You said she has to consider her children and herself. I did not, however, hear you instruct her to focus on Allah.

    You have the type of situation in which a divorce would be reasonable and unquestionable. He comes home to you physically, but is not there mentally. He shows you no love and attention, and seems to care little about the children. So, you must ask yourself why you are remaining in the marriage, other than the obvious reason being that Allah hasn’t removed you from it.

    You are correct that no one can change another person. The change has to come from the person him or herself. If a person believes in Allah, fears, loves, obeys Allah, and asks Allah for His help, Allah will help him.

    No one else could do those thing for another person. He or she must get him or herself right with Allah on his or her own. It’s an individual thing.

    Do you stay in the marriage and accept the conditions as they are or do you leave the marriage for a better life? Stop looking at him and what he needs to do, and start looking at YOU. Ina mentioned he does not make you happy. Another human being doesn’t have to make us happy. Another human being wasn’t placed on this planet to make us happy or to fulfill our desires.

    We have to understand why Allah created us and why we are here. It’s the only way to have a peaceful, tranquil life.

  • Ina

    October 13, 2014

    @ Didi,
    I was reading your post again. You say your husband never calls you but calls her all the time. This is also true in my case. My husband explained he is reluctant to call me when he is not with me (like the time he was in Malaysia for his engagement) because I get sad/angry and it makes him feel bad. So he feels better when he doesn’t call me because he doesn’t have to deal with my emotions which can end up spoiling his day.

    On the other side, Hubby has to call his fiancee every day…it’s her demand. If he forgets to call then she will call late at night to complain (I have experienced this scenario a few times). A few weeks ago, he was busy so did not call her. She called him in the afternoon complaining and he ended shouting at her because he was busy and did not have time to call. Later on that night when we were in bed, she called him again (on facetime). He told her he is bed now and don’t want to talk. She called again and again. On the 3rd time, he threw his phone at me and ask me to talk to her!

    All I’m saying with this story is that sometimes we don’t know the real reasons behind certain actions/behaviours. You need to be calm when talking to your husband (easier said than done, I know). When you get angry, he gets angrier. It’s a defence mechanism.

  • Ina

    October 13, 2014

    I like CoCo’s avatar…it’s a cheeky one and makes me smile.

  • Ina

    October 13, 2014

    @ Didi,
    I am sad to hear about the current state of your marriage. It is especially worrying to hear that he is getting angry and hits you when you try to discuss your issues with him. I agree with Ummof4’s advice that you need to get support from another male who can talk to your husband.

    I can’t remember if you mentioned this before but how long have you been married to your husband and how long has he been married to his other wife? Is he still in the “honeymoon” phase of his other marriage?

    I hope my husband will not behave in the same way as yours once he is married. He knows he needs to fair with his time and he has drawn up a schedule so everyone will be able to see that the time is being split evenly (we will need to keep track to make sure the schedule is being adhered to). If I think he is not being fair then I know I can ask my father-in-law to talk to my husband.

    I used to think like you about divorce…it will only benefit the other 2 people, making it easier for them if you give up first. But if you are to remain in the marriage then you need to have the benefits of being in a polygamous marriage too. This means having a husband who is fair, kind and takes responsibility for both families.

    I told my husband that I don’t want divorce at this point in time but this does not mean I may not want it in the future. Someone said to him that I deserve happiness so if he cannot make me happy then it might be kinder for him to let me go. It made him sad to hear that and it makes me cry whenever I think of those words.

    When shaytan is not messing with my head, I know my husband still loves me and our children so that gives me hope for the future our marriage.

  • Ina

    October 13, 2014

    Dearest Coco,
    You are a sweetheart. Thank you for your words of support. It means a lot. How are things going with you?

    Ana, thank you for opening up this blog again. Without the advice and support of the sisters here, I honestly think I would be very close to giving up on my marriage.

    Marie, I don’t think you should it for them to decide any changes to the schedule without some form of discussion with you. If you prefer not to talk face to face then maybe ask your husband to write it down for you to review before agreeing to anything. If once you’ve seen the proposal and feel the 3 of you need to discuss it further then at least you are going in with some preparation.

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2014

    Speaking of a husband showing up at 12:00 midnight when the wife expected him there at 8:00 p.m. reminds me of the song by the “Persuaders”, “It’s a Thin Line Between Love and Hate”:

    It’s a thin line, it’s 5 o’clock in the morning
    And I’m just getting in, I knock on the door
    A voice sweet and low says, who is it?
    She opens up the door and lets me in
    Never do she once say, sir, where have you been?
    No, she says, are you hungry?
    Are you hungry, honey? Did you eat yet?
    Let me hang up your coat, your coat, your coat
    And the woman tells me, pass me your hat too
    All the time she smiles, never once raises her voice
    It’s 5 o’clock in the morning

    It’s a thin line between love and hate..

    The sweetest woman in the world
    Can be the meanest woman in the world
    If you make her that way, you keep on hurting her
    She keeps being quiet
    She might be holding something inside
    That really really hurt you one day

    Here I am laying in the hospital
    Bandaged from feet to head
    Ya see I’m in the state of shock
    Just that much from being dead
    I didn’t think my woman could do something like this to me
    I didn’t think she had the nerve, so here I am
    I guess action speaks louder than words

    It’s a thin line between love and hate..

    The sweetest woman in the world
    Can be the meanest woman in the world
    If you make her that way, you keep on hurting her
    She keeps being quiet
    She might be holding something inside
    That really really hurt you one day

    It’s a thin line between love and hate..

    It’s a thin line, between love and hate
    It’s a thin line…

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2014

    Marie,

    You may be under thinking it. You say you don’t care now, but it may become a different story when he accommodates her and you have to go with it. Satan may jump on you and say you’re dancing to her beat. She’s problematic and you don’t like it. To avoid all of it, he wants you both to sit down and get it squared away, so he doesn’t have to hear about it from either one of you later.

    You say you don’t care when your time begins. You need to be more specific. It sounds to me that you mean if you’re accustom to him coming to your home at 8:00 p.m., but he shows up at 12:00 midnight, you don’t care. In a situation like it, I’d think you wouldn’t be welcoming him with open arms when he walks through the door. Perhaps you meant you don’t care whether he sets the time for 6, 7 or 8:00, as long as he gets there fairly close to the time. Then how late after the set time is acceptable? I was a bit unclear what you meant; therefore, you know there was room for confusion and misunderstandings to arise.

  • Marie

    October 13, 2014

    Ana, I already said to him to work it out and let me know. He suggested a meeting after that. So I dunno what there doing. I’m probably over thinking it.

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2014

    @Marie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    You yourself solved the dilemma. You said you don’t care what time your time begins. Tell your hubz what you told us. Tell him there is no need for a meeting. He could do his thing and get to you whenever he’d like. You’ll be ready waiting for him with open arms.

    The other was the one who had the problem. She was needlessly making a mountain out of a molehill, without know how you felt about it. She thought there was a problem when there is none. So, you’re both happy now, Yes?

  • Marie

    October 13, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All,

    I haven’t read all the comments yet, and wanted to post this first.

    So hubz asked today what I think about a meeting between the 3 of us. So far iv said no, but I’ll think about it and may change my mind.

    This is reason behind the meeting. We’re recently been talking about changing the time hubz gets to whichever wife because magrib is getting earlier. I suggested 8:00pm but pray magrib in whosoever night it is, then he is free uptill 8.00pm to see the other wife (who night it isn’t). So he tells me today what about if he just gets back 30 mins before magrib (not sure what problem that solves but anyway ) he said something about always being late, but I never noticed, maybe other is waiting by the looking at her watch lol. So this meeting has something to do with the schedule. Thing is, I don’t really care what time “my time” starts

    So I’m a bit confused as to why we need this meeting now, my marriage is fine, I don’t have any problems regarding the schedule. I guessing there’s some sort of problem with them 2. That’s all I no, any ideas on what happening, and if I should agree to a meeting?

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone Sad Gorilla Waving

    I figured you’d all get a laugh from seeing that critter.

    Awwww, coco, you’re such a sweetheart. It’s difficult for me to read your posts and emails, as they always make me cry so much They touch my heart.

    It’s a blessing to have you here. I’m so glad you’re back. Some of you here have such a kind, soft heart and seem so special – you, Fatima, Spirited, for instance. It’s so beautiful. I feel blessed to know you all and each and everyone here who bring so much good to the forum by sharing, and wanting to help one another. coco it’s good you’re back with all of us

    Laila is an amazing woman. I have learned so much from her. She helps me realize there is no difference between the wives other than what’s in their hearts. It’s what makes the difference, not the number. There had been others here who helped me understand polygamy better from women who joined existing families. There was KhadijahZ who married fourth; Mrs.2, Espinosa and more who helped open my eyes to the realities of polygamy. I have to go back now and finish reading here.

  • ummof4

    October 13, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Coco, glad you’re back with us. We can use a few more sisters who married men who were already married (notice I’m trying not to call you ladies second wives). Thank you for your kind words.

    Didi, it is unfortunate that your husband is not being equal with this time. Is there any male that you can get to talk to him whom he respects and may listen to? His father, brother, another male relative, close friend, imam, community leader? Your words seem to mean nothing to him as he may just feel that you are jealous. If what you say is true, I will make du’ah that your husband realizes the error of his ways and changes them to be fair and equitable with his time spent at each household.
    Didi, I have not conquered the emotion of jealousy or any other emotion. I have just learned how to control them well after many years of living. As Ana says often, when we put Allah first, everyone and everything else become less important in our eyes, minds, hearts and souls. So when I feel an emotion coming on that is not healthy for me, I remember Allah and all that He has blessed me with and continues to bless me with daily. If I feel my husband has done something incorrect, I remind him of it using Qur’aan and Sunnah, then leave it alone.
    As many of you know, my children are now grown with spouses and children of their own. However, they did grow up in polygyny. The key to the children doing well is the mother loving Allah more than anyone or anything in the world, including her husband and children.

  • coco

    October 13, 2014

    Mari2
    Wow! I must point out your exemplary post about Allah’s will subhanAllah I feel like so many like myself can relate and learn such a massive lesson from how liberating it is to understand that it’s all about Allah’s will not ours, what a powerful message kudos to you! xo :)

  • coco

    October 13, 2014

    Marie
    I feel you have such a pure intention in keeping the whole family united for the sake of the kids involved and have nothing to worry of your co, she might be feeling a mini victory by getting your husband to pull such a petty stunt secretly but I promise your children fine upbringing will be a result of bearing no malice towards the unit inshAllah and your husband will see thru her one day as good never goes wasted xo :)

  • coco

    October 13, 2014

    Ina
    My heart aches for the distress you are enduring and I just want you to believe that a woman is stronger then they give themselves credit for, you just need to continue giving good to the world and your going to get exactly that back, I see your intentions being pure and clean you have nothing to worry about just stay patient and continue keeping faith with Allah, your future co has been nothing but inconsiderate and has displayed extreme selfishness with only her interests in mind your husband WILL catch on to this fast so just wait it won’t take long. Hang in there :) xo

  • coco

    October 13, 2014

    Laila
    I’m happy to see your doing so well mashAllah and enjoying Turkey, I live vicariously through you, you give me immense hope as to what may be in store for me as a second, I’ve learnt so much from your perspective and I thank you for that xo :)

  • coco

    October 13, 2014

    Ana
    I must begin with congratulating you for having your blog back up and running fluidly as before :) *victory dance* hehehe Alhumdulilah it brings me great happiness as many find solace there and as a outlet to vent their pain. Ana I can’t begin to string the words that are in my heart for you, I thank you from the core of my heart and have nothing but prayers for you as I found immense solace in this very place I came here with my head all over the place with regards to polygany I learned so much from your words and the others experiences, I was fortunate to come across such beautiful beings and believing that it’s a respectable practice, that shouldn’t be frowned or looked down upon. You’ve taught me that polygany can chisel ones soul to become selfless, kind hearted, patient and endearing. To all those involved in or will embark into polygany please come in with a clean open heart and know that regardless of what others are doing YOU continue doing your part RIGHT. Set the example it’s like juggling you start with positivity your husband will follow suit and exactly how long will it take for the co to join in before falling out of the equation? I wish you, Gail, Laila, Spirited, Ina, Ummof4, Marie and any of the remaining sisters peace, happiness, love and prosperity. Much love to you Ana May Allah always keep you blessed and happy with your husband xo :)

  • Gail

    October 13, 2014

    Ana,
    I just woke up and laying here in the bed for the last 15 minutes thinking about all the questions I will ask the doctor today.It is not 100% he will do the Biopsy today but the nurse told me to go prepared to do it so that is what I am doing.My apt is at 3 O clock which is in 7 more hours from right now my time.I have decided to make a day out of it sense hubby and I have to take the kids.My 9 yr old is very tense about the biopsy and has asked a million questions.I am more worried about him than anyone through this ordeal.I found out the going down the road that my second mammogram and ultrasound were both abnormal and had to go for a biopsy.My husband calls the clinic back while driving down the road and I just totally went off on him why he is calling while we have kids in the car.I was trying to keep calm but also letting him know what an idiot he was at the same time.My kids are just sitting there shocked and horrified at what is going on totally clueless even though I have been dragging them to all my doc.apts.I just been telling them I had yearly exams not a big deal hoping everything was going to be ok.
    Needless to say when i found out I just started crying and could not stop.I think maybe 2 other times in my life I had uncontrollable crying where I just could not stop.It didn’t help my 9 year old kept asking what is cancer mom what is it tell me what it is.Finally after I composed myself I told him it is a disease.I think at first he thought cancer was some relative that had got hurt or died(Like it was the name of some relative)until i told him it is a disease.The light bulb went off then with him and he blurted out OHH that where cells mess up and become bad and multiply.Once he figured out and I came back into reality I seen him sitting over on the sofa facing the back side of the sofa.I looked at my husband and and he looked at me and my husband started rubbing my sons back and turned him around and we both told him yeah it is bad but maybe we luck out and it will not be cancer we still have hope and if it does come back we still have hope we can beat it.Thanks G.D for my husband he said lets go to Braums for Ice cream and go shopping at the mall instead of sitting here feeling bad nothing we can do until the biopsy report comes back now.
    My husband sways back and forth from being clueless to being a genius.LOL
    He really turned it around and the kids had a blast my 12 yr old bought a nice aztec printed hoodie that is very colorful and looks very nice.It was by one hoodie and get one for half price so my 9 year old got the same kind of print as my 12 year old but different color they both look so handsome and my 9 yr decided he must have this Avengers watch from JC Penny that he had been dying for that lights up in like 6 or 7 different colors to go with his new hoodie.lol My daughter was just kind of walking around and we had just cut her hair like 2 days before and she had got a really cute Pixie cut(she is 11) we r looking cloths( she needed more clothes like I need cancer)lol so I get this bright idea and tell her Hey lets leave the clothes and go check out some Jewelry.She lights up right away and runs for the jewelry counter and we get the clerk to help us and my daughter gets so excited to find matching necklace and earrings with her middle initial(her and I share the same middle name)SO she was tickled pink.(no pun intended).So long story short I thought I might kinda do the same thing today leave early and take them for lunch and Toys r Us or Party City or whatever stores they like to check out to not make the day so worrisome for all of us.
    From what I understand I will not get my results today the tissue samples will be sent to pathology and i will know something in the next 1 to 3 days like that.
    Ok deep breath I am going to start waking everyone up and get their showers done.We have a one hour drive to Joplin and it is raining outside today.I love rain so maybe that is a good sign for me.lol
    Ana thanks for being so supportive with me through all of this u will never know how helpful u have been to me.Believe me when I say u have truly paid it forward.
    I want to thank everyone for all their information it has been more helpful than u will ever know and I will be thinking about all u ladies today as I am doing my procedure.You are with me in Spirit and I really feel it so thank u so much all of you.

  • Didi

    October 13, 2014

    Assalamualaikum all..

    I’ve been wanting to write in again but was so overwhelmed by the many many comments..so many names and stories, I dont know if I can remember them all. Heee..@Ana: I remember jenny, she’s the one who seemed to have the perfect life right? I was silently reading this blog while she was actively writing.
    Anyway, yes I was initially afraid to write in, not just because of the novelty of writing online, but of being discovered! I am sooo afraid that anyone who knew me or them, would take one look at what I wrote, and know my identity instantly. Paranoid much? :p
    @Laila: I’ve tried talking to him, abt my feelings, abt how unfair I think he has been, but without much luck. He has a very VERY fragile ego and is way too sensitive. I cant say anything. If I do, I’m the one who gets screamed at, the one who gets hit. I’m smarter now. I vent abt him to my mom and best friend, but I don’t say anything to his face.
    I feel like my case coincides with Ina’s..not so much with whats happening, but with regard to the husband’s attitude. I think I’d feel much better abt polygamy if he knew how to be fair. If he knew how to be more sensitive towards me. If he would stop spending almost every single day or night with her, only to come back here to sleep, eat, watch movies or play with his stupid ipad. And THEN calling it fair. Wow. Just last week alone, he spent almost every night with her, coming home very early in the morning only to sleep and then meeting her again in the morning. How is THAT fair?
    And like rubbing salt to fresh wounds, this lovely wife of his goes on social platforms and proclaims to the world just how fair her husband is! My god. If it were possible to cry tears of blood, I’d have filled a whole pail, I think. And no Ana, it is not cool at all to have a celebrity for a husband. I only mentioned it because it was important to my story, that they receive TONS of well-wishes from virtual strangers just because they’re somewhat famous. It makes me angry just thinking abt it. Astaghfirullah. May Allah cleanse my heart and make it pure. Ameen. Anyway I’m ranting. I’ll stop now.
    @Ina: I dont mean to be negative, but if this is how she’s behaving now, things are gonna get much worse when they marry, not better.
    My advice to you is to stop focusing on them and start concentrating on you. And your kids.Seriously. I say this coz I’ve been there. I was so depressed and the kids were so neglected, it wasn’t funny. My husband is not AT ALL interested in the kids’ activities. He never calls us when he’s out, and almost never asks about them, so its up to me to pick up the slack.(he calls her all the time though). You cant control other people, you cant dictate their actions, so I suggest you do things that you CAN control. Plan fun activities for yourself and the kids. Go out with friends. Enjoy some ME time. If possible, let the kids be with your hubs and the other woman so you can have times to be with your friends :D
    @ummof4: MasyaAllah, masyaAllah sister. If I could hug you, I would. I really need someone like you in my life right now. Someone calm and unruffled like you. Someone who can keep me straight when I’m wavering. You would be the human pillar I’d lean on :) How do you keep urself so unaffected by your husbands doing? Pls share this with me.
    How do you not feel pain knowing your husband prefers to be in another woman’s company? Maybe he’s kind and affectionate when he’s with you and the kids? I do hope you share your secret with me, dear sister. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of utter despair.

  • ~Fatima~

    October 13, 2014

    Good morning.. at least it is here in louisville ky.. Hope everyone had a nice weekend. Raining here this morning..Girls are up for school..
    @Ina.. I think it would be a good ideal to BLOCK this boys messages or whoever is sending you all this info.
    If you dont receive them then you cant read or hear them.
    You will find more peace beleive me.
    @ Gail.. I wanted to tell you my sister also had a nodule found on her breast and had a biopsy… there was no cancer found.. which was a relief, so perhaps your situation will be the same.Inshalla
    @Ana.. your blog seems to be rolling right along in a good and positive way
    Going back to bed till time for work ..zzzzzz

  • Ina

    October 13, 2014

    @ Ana, Gail,
    On the subject of who we’d like as co-wife, my main complaint to my husband about his fiancee is her lack of empathy. His reply is woman who are willing to be 2nd wives need to be like that otherwise they will instantly refuse to be in polygamy because they will feel bad for causing pain to another woman. I told him I don’t think this is true for all women who marry a married man (I was thinking of you here Laila). I also read an article recently about an interview with a 2nd wife. The interview asked “What advice do you have for women who may be entering into a polygynous marriage?”

    The 2nd wife replied:
    “Do not enter a marriage thinking that you are going to take over. Its wrong. Respect your co-wife regardless how jealous you get. Be very sensitive towards her/them. Treat your husband well and most importantly, be Patient. Verily, Allah (SWT) loves the patient and we all want Allah to love us.”

    I don’t expect her to give up any of rights as a wife but I had hope for some respect and sensitivity/empathy. In the meantime, I have to be patient and focus on my Deen and my children.

  • Ina

    October 13, 2014

    @ Fiction, I have not been offended by anything you wrote. Actually, much of what you said is in line with what my best friend tells me. You have not expressed extreme anti-polygamy views which I think is the main reason for Ana blocking anyone. Just because you have commented on the other blog does not make you unwelcome here. It would be nice however that people are honest about their situation and intentions when they do comment. Many women have expressed how much they hate it when men lie and in the many cases the lying hurts more than the truth so I hope we can be honest with each other.

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2014

    Gail,

    You said, “but I think C might not be working with a full deck.” You’ve got that right, but it’s an UNDERSTATEMENT. You’re being kind. Furthermore, it doesn’t take much to be more sly than her either LOL

    I’m going to try not to give her much airtime here anymore Loud Speaker Saying No, but every now and again I guess I’ll need to get it out my system. My intent is to put her on a good permanent ignore. Insha Allah, I’ll get there with the help and permission of Allah.

    Gail, I think you’d make an awesome co-wife. I’d love to have an intelligent person such as you, as a co-wife. Ya kidding? Heck yeah, it would be nice to converse with someone (a co-wife) who knows what time it is (has some sense) :-)

    Insha Allah, I’ll chat with you later today. Stay positive and optimistic.

  • Gail

    October 13, 2014

    Ana and Spirited,
    Thanks ladies for thinking about me tomorrow.I am doing amazingly well right now just taking it a moment at a time but today for the most part was good and I somehow kept busy and the day went fast.
    Spirited it seems u r moving right along with your schooling and that is great.I hope all is going well with u and your husband as well.
    Ana I will be honest and I hate to say this but I think C might not be working with a full deck if u know what I mean.I can’t imagine for the life of me why after all these years she is still acting so immature.It’s not like this is a new polygamous marriage.
    I honestly don’t know what Alex sees in C if she is dogging u this much.My guess is she gives him a crap load as well when he is with her.
    I just think it is nuts because if I had u for a cowife I would be thanking G.D/Allah everyday.
    I guess my cowife was somewhat like C except she was more sly than C is but when she gets upset Oh lord she knows how to strike out as well.
    I really hope Ina hangs in there.If I was Ina I would corner her husband and throw him down and blow his mind.hahah Even if he is having problems they can still have a good time and cuddle.I know it is easier said than done but looking back I wish I would have not took so things so hard myself.

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2014

    Hey there, Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum! It’s good reading you. You have a good night, too, God willing.

    @Gail,

    I second Spirited on the well wishing. You are a tremendously strong woman and you will get through this. I know you will. {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2014

    @Ina,

    I know what you’re dealing with having a jacked up person join your marriage, but you hang in there. Don’t throw in the towel just yet. Don’t go down without a fight Boxing Give it all you got.

  • Spirited

    October 12, 2014

    Salaam

    Ack, I ended up being fairly busy over the weekend! I just wanted to quickly pop in and wish Gail the best of luck with her results tomorrow.

    Gail, know that whatever it is, you’re strong enough to face it (good or bad) and that you have your family, and the blog gang here with ya

    I’ll write in tomorrow or so. Just finished up with a long lab assignment and gotta start working on another one tomorrow (due next weekend) lol. Ok, goodnight everyone!

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2014

    Gail,

    Some people just don’t have a good amount of sense. Did people think I’d begin a blog about polygamy and talk, if I SERIOUSLY thought harm could come to my family and me? A person would have to be crazy to do such a thing and I know I’m not friggin crazy It’s okay to act crazy, but not actually BE crazy. I got the saying from a similar saying from the movie, “Tropic Thunder.” Yeap, speaking of movies, those people tried to make out something was wrong with me because I watch movies LOL. How sick is that? They found fault in my mere existence.

    I think you’re right, Gail. Ina husband’s problem is probably stress related. I could imagine your husband was totally stressed after you learned the truth about the other. He then knew he’d have to go back to Pakistan and face the music . It’s not easy being men. We’ve got to lighten up on the creatures.

    Oh, and I better not refer to sex again here, using the slang saying “doing the nasty”. “C” tried to make it out that I really meant sex was nasty. I play around with slang quite a bit here. She knows what the saying means, as she is from the heart of “the hood.” Then she tried to make people think we swing out with the same people – lying saying she knows my neighbors. She lies like a rug. I definitely don’t know anyone she knows and she certainly wouldn’t know anyone I know. I know I’m supposed to retire the name “C”, but since we were on the subject of what happened that she was involved in, I felt like getting my two cents in Dancing Happy Star

  • Gail

    October 12, 2014

    Ana,
    I didn’t know Lah was in on all that mess to Dang Girl!
    I was also thinking more on Ina’s situation and I was thinking the exact same thing that he is very tense and maybe trying to still figure everything out himself.I will say this I think most men go through impotence problems at some point when the marriage goes through tense periods.I remember my own husband before we went to Pakistan right after he told me he had kept excowife on the side all those years.I remember it but I never put it all together until listening about Ina’s husband doing the exact same thing.
    Ok I tell u my husband would start and be exited only to just to go limp.I did not think to much about it at first but after awhile it started to become regular and I was getting sexually frustrated and so was he.I did not put it all together until just now.He had told me he was worried sick I was going to divorce him and break the family.Then to top it off he knew he was going to go back and have to have sexual relations with excowife.Now during all that time he was having these limp spells I was taking personal like dang he must not desire me anymore.I took very hard at the time.Now looking back I realize he was majorrrrrr stressed out.I will say this after we went to Pakistan he was fine.Every great once in awhile he will have have an issue but it is very rare now.

    Ina just hang in there.I know u read all the dirt but as they say everything is going to come out in the wash.Once they r married and settled in 2 things will happen she will try to manipulate him into getting more time and try to ruin your marriage or u guys will find a new normal in your marriage.Only time is going to tell and I think u r doing right to just hold on.U have to much invested in your marriage to not give it a good honest try.

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2014

    Ina,

    I was giving it more thought. Even though he denies that she asked him to not have relations with you, doesn’t mean he isn’t feeling guilty. He could very well feel guilty about the love or lust he has for his intended. He may feel or think he’s “cheated” on you. You and he have been married for quite some time. It’s only been you and him for the longest and now it’s her along with you. He may not be in touch with his feelings enough to articulate it to you or may not know himself what he is going through. Marie’s husband said it’s common for the men to feel guilty when they marry another. It makes sense.

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    People have let me know by way of email that they are not happy with me allowing Lah back on the blog. There are those who said they will not post as long as she is allowed here. Having received the information, along with the fact that she was one of the individuals who had sent me a post threatening to go to the police about me and my husband, I will not approve comments from her from this point forward. I was willing to overlook what she had done to me – threatened me, but I can’t have people leave the blog,or not post because she is here, especially since she and her children, one of whom supposedly posted for her the other day, are not receptive to polygamy.

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2014

    @Gail,

    I had a big ole belly laugh from the way you depicted your family, especially when you said, you really don’t like hanging with your “birth family”. LMAOI’m still laughing. I’m the same way with my “birth family”. LOL My husband’s niece is more like family to me than any of my biological nieces or nephews.

    @Ina,

    If your husband didn’t love you, as I stated, he’d have asked you for a divorce by now. He spends time with you and converses with you. It doesn’t sound to me as though he doesn’t want to be around you. He said his problem is his own; it’s with him, and has nothing to do with you. Believe it. He may very well be correct. Maybe he doesn’t understand why his private part isn’t happy to see you and is sad He may really not know

    About whether he’s staying with you for this, that and the other reason, what difference does it make, as long as he doesn’t appear to hate being there with you. If it was the case, I’d say let him get to steppin; you could do better. A woman would know if her husband doesn’t want to be bothered with her, and is only there for the children or other reasons than her. You give me no indication it’s the case. He’s in bed with you, watching TV and talking about his feelings and thoughts – what more could you ask for other than the problem gets fixed? Don’t let Satan mess with your head about why he’s with you. Everyone has a list of reasons they are with their spouses. What’s wrong with having reasons or a list?

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    I think everyone should know that “Fiction” wrote a very, very nice post to me that she asked me not to post. She said she apologize to everyone and anyone, if she offended anyone in her previous posts here. She is not married, is young and she was here to learn. She said she’d post again here when she gets married.

    I’d like to extend an invitation for her to again join us here. I can’t recall that she offended anyone while she was here. We have nothing against those who’d like to input while learning and the blog is not only for married people.

    So, with it said, if no one has any objection, I’ll invite Fiction to post, if she’s still reading, and would like to join us. I’d like to apologize, if I’ve offended her, as well, by jumping to conclusion that she had ill intent for being here. Fiction, you are welcome :-)

  • Ina

    October 12, 2014

    @ Gail, I have tried to be more loving but when you don’t get the reaction you used to get then it’s very disheartening. Hubby is worried too but we know the problem is a psychological and not a physical one. He says the problem is with him and not with me. We will know if this is the case in about 3 weeks time.

    Anyway, I agree with Ana that you should not worry too much until you know what the result of the biopsy.

  • Ina

    October 12, 2014

    Waalaikumsalam Marie, thank you for talking about about my situation with your husband. It is good to get a man’s point of view because after all men and women do see things differently. Your husband is right in a way, sex is sex and may not be that different between 1 man and his wives. She may technically be a virgin but I can assure you she has experience sex in other ways which allows her to keep her virginity. Hubby and fiancee are very familiar with other physically…judging from the pictures and msgs, there will be no awkwardness between them. They have even developed what they called trademark positions and he has said to her that he’s never felt that way with another woman before.

    I think Gail said before on the old blog that after while the sex with another woman is no deal. I agree with her. It’s hard at first but you can learn to cope with it. My issue now is the problems in my bedroom which makes me doubt hubby’s love/desire for me. He say she has not asked him to stop being intimate with me and even if she did he would not agree anyway. However, even though they are not married and she is half way round the world, they still managed to get it on which I think has affected hubby’s performance in our bedroom.

    Hubby say he still loves me and doesn’t want to divorce me. OK, I believe him but I question the motive behind it. Does he love me only because I am the mother of his children? He doesn’t want divorce because it’s not good for the children? He is staying with me out of sympathy, duty and guilt? Are these good reasons to stay in a marriage? Do I not deserve more from a marriage?

    @Ana, don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to stop hubby from marrying anyone. Yes, I am not happy that he is getting married and it’s made worse because of the person that he’s chosen to marry. If I wanted to cause trouble then there are many things that I could have said to his fiancee to hurt her but I have kept my mouth shut. If I try to sabotage their wedding then hubby may end up resenting me in the future and that will do my marriage no good.

    You ask what I would like to do. I don’t know is the short answer but I promised myself to wait until after they are married to see if things become clearer for me. Until then, I can only try to make sure the time and money is shared fairly.

    Last night, after I received the msg from the boy, hubby kept talking and explaining himself. I simply wanted hubby to know that I received the msg, I know what he’d written and why I felt it may have affected his performance in the bedroom. Hubby went on talking but I did not say anything…just focused on watching a TV show. He said I looked ready for a confrontation. I turned and looked him in the eye and said I do not want a confrontation which is why he’s been talking but I’ve not said a word. I am hurt but I don’t want to talk/fight about it. It’s becomes tiresome going over the same things again and again.

  • Gail

    October 12, 2014

    Marie,
    My husband said the exact same thing years ago about others on the blog.Ina’s husband is all wrapped up in the fantasy right now and after he deflowers his virgin wife things will go right back to normal for Ina is my thinking and her sex life will go back to normal unless he is just a horses A$$ but I agree with Ana that he didn’t divorce Ina so yeah I also think Ina is going to be just fine.If I was Ina I would have fun with it and sexually tease him and just keep on enjoying her life but I know when u are going through that mess sometimes sex is the last thing that is on your mind.

  • Gail

    October 12, 2014

    Ana,
    Actually I believe in what u said.I don’t bother anyone and I don’t want anyone to bother me.If someone was going to harm my family or I for sure u bet I am going to fight and not take any of their crap.It seems we pretty much believe the same for the most part.I am sure we have alot in common.I will say though I do try to live and let live although I really don’t like hanging with my birth family and that is just because G.D bless them they are way weird.
    My mom up and moved from her nice home and gave it to my sister and her kids and my dad and is now living in a RV or a trailer or something is what my 19 yr old son told me last night.I don’t know what in the world is going on with her these days.My brother is in the county jail for DWI for the last month he is nuts to be frank and my one sister well i told u about her before she is big mouth Sally and drives me to nutsville.No thank u not interested in dealing with my crazy family.I honestly don’t know how I turned out so very different.Maybe I was adopted hahah

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2014

    @Marie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Wow, you’re into the evening already in the U.K. I’m just into the afternoon, in the U.S. It’s 3:00 ish where I am. I love chatting with people all over the planet. It’s so much fun. Happy Globe

    Marie, I like that some of what we speak of here you run by your husband for input. It’s good to get thoughts of men here too. Gail does it, as well, with her husband. It’s nice.

    Quite some time before I got married, for a very short time, I was intended to this guy who now lives in Saudi Arabia. He had been in a polygamous marriage. He had divorced his first wife and married another. He missed his children and thought as he could be polygamous, he’d remarried the first wife. He informed me that he had to let one wife go (his first wife, whom he had several kids by), as he began to have sexual performance problems. I got a sense that he wasn’t into the first wife, which is why he had divorced her to begin with. Perhaps he too felt guilty about having sex with the first wife.

    I think Ina’s situation is different. He didn’t divorce her for the other wife, which clearly leads me to believe he still loves her, and want their marriage to work. Based on what we know of the girl, the girl is a major problem. As difficult as it may be for Ina, she should be patience and let Allah deal with the matter as He see’s fit. He sees and knows all things. Allah is a Just God.

    Marie, thank you much for inputting. I value your thoughts. Despite what some may think, I am concerned about the readers and writers here. I simply can’t compromise my beliefs for it.

  • Marie

    October 12, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All,

    Good evening, morning or afternoon, which ever it is for you. It’s 7:00pm in the UK and hubz not long left for “others’ I must say we had a lovely 3 nights alhamdulilah. He looked a bit sad that he had to go, I just no, let’s not do this, I’ll still be here when you get back, Insha’allah

    Ana, I liked your post on revenge, obviously I agree. I think I lost the post where I mentioned that I like your new style of writing, straight forward and to the point. Just how I like it

    @Ina, I gave some thought and got some advice on your co to be (who thinks she invented sex) and your husband. I gave my husband a run down on it and his response was this. Sex has been the same since prophet Adam, 1man 1 woman getting it on. Anything that one woman can do, any woman can do. He said your husband is all wrapped up in this woman for now, but once they’ve got it on he’ll be over it. He also said sex with a virgin is bound to be rubbish. The only good thing is that you know she’s not a ho (whore) but other than that, it all has the same outcome. He also said that most of all a man just wants the woman to be happy.

    Oh Ana, I narrated what you said about a man feeling guilty and not really being into sex with his wife, if he has promised the other wife he won’t have sex with her, he said “how does she no that” and added that even if one wife has not made a man promise that, he still feels guilty .

    Insha’allah I’ll be back later

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2014

    Gail,

    It was Mari2 who spoke of the procedure that made her feel as though her boobbages were run over by a truck. I’m glad I wasn’t upsetting you with the talk about my sister. I didn’t think I was, but one could never be sure what’s happening in someone else mind. I know at times it is easier to talk with people who are not up close and personal rather than those very near to us in proximity. I think being out here in cyberspace makes it easier to talk to one another The internet is one of the coolest inventions. Being able to instantly talk to people all over the planet is amazing. It’s a beautiful thing…

  • anabellah

    October 12, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    Gail,

    About revenge, the Islamic concept according to the Quran is similar to that of an “Eye for an Eye a tooth for a tooth” concept. One can avenge oneself an injury equal to an injury. One may leave the matter alone and forgive, as well, or leave the matter alone and let Allah to deal with.

    Allah tells us how to deal with all people. He tells us who an enemy is and how we should deal with people who are our enemies.

    He tells us not to be aggressors, and not to fight people unless they fight us and we must defend ourselves. We are to defend ourselves when an oppressive wrong is done to us. Allah says if the enemy inclines towards peace we are to be peaceful with them. If they then turn on us, we turn on them.

    Allah tells us to leave others alone about their religion. We need to simply mind our own business about our own religion. We are to fight them if they fight us for our faith, in an effort to prevent us for practicing it.

    I like living in the U.S., as people let people be. No one tries to Lord over anyone, telling them what to wear, who to be seen with, what to believe. There is just enough law to keep everything orderly peaceful and absent of chaos.

    It’s why it irritates me so much that some Muslims out there are trying to force their beliefs on others. Muslims are killing Muslims and it sects against sects. Sunni’s and Shia are killing one another. There shouldn’t be any Shia and Sunni’s, according to Allah. Muslims are one brotherhood. We’re simply just Muslims. It’s meant to be Muslims living Quran.

    Most Muslims don’t listen to Allah. Now there are all kinds of sects out there. Now there is some new sect they invented – Quranist Muslims or something or another.

    Islam is simply, but people want to make it complicated with their sects and innovations. Oh, well, to each his own, as the saying goes. The Islamic saying is to you your way and to me mine.

    I liked that you and I could civilly talk about our religious differences. I’m concern with what Muslims on the blog say at times as I’m accountable to Allah for what’s put out there about Islam, as well, as I am the administrator of the blog.

    Allah permits polygamy for men and polygamy is easy for people to live without violating any laws of the land – I can only speak of living it in the U.S. It the same as a man having more than one girlfriend. No one bothers anyone for having more than one girlfriend other than the parties involved. They bother one another. It’s the same as with the wives and the husbands; they bother one another.

    No one ever heard of someone being arrested in the U.S. and charged with polygamy, as there is no such law. Polygamist are arrested for other law violations (child abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence, criminal restraint etc).

  • Gail

    October 12, 2014

    Ina,
    I just read Ana’s comment to you.I did not realize your husband was the problem in the bedroom and that he had promised her not to have sexual relations with u.
    My husband actually did this exact same thing with his first wife.He cut off sexual relations with her completely and lusted after me like a dog in heat.
    Now keep in mind I thought he was divorced so I was eating up all his attention.
    He told me that his first wife never liked sex and she did not give him but once or twice a month and he ask me alot of sexual questions like I was being interviewed.He made sure I liked sex to be frank.I should mention he didn’t have any sexual relations with his first wife until after he told me the truth which was 8 yrs into our marriage and he begged me not to leave him and he was grasping at straws and blurted everything out and told me he never touched her in all our years we were together and he told me he did not desire her sexually and was going to tell her straight no sex ever.I said then why keep her just divorce and he said he is stuck because of his sister and it will destroy the family.Sooo I thought about everything and told him if he is going to keep her then he has to give her sexual rights.He tried to tell me no and I said we will figure out but u have to give her rights.Long story short he tried for 9 days to give her rights but he just did not feel it with her.
    In my husbands and cowife case more than my husband not really being into her sexually it had more to do with cowife going behind his back on alot of things.
    I don’t feel it really had much to do with me because he knew her mother and even maybe her talking bad about me behind my back and he let it go.I took hard for years but u know what finally got past it and told myself who cares my husband is not perfect and I am not going to let my happiness depend on him.I have a life and I plan on living it and enjoying my life.I have my own agenda and that is to make my family better.I am so tired I am going to stop here but I still say do what I told u and get his juices flowing.At the very least it will be fun and I bet u if u tease him one to three times he is going to take notice.lol

  • Gail

    October 12, 2014

    Ina,
    I forgot to mention it is very important u touch him as u r being nice with him.Touch his arm or his leg as u chat and laugh with him.When I want to make up with my hubby after a fight i like to tickle him or play fight and let it lead into sexual activity.I hope this helps u.
    You know better than me what works for u and your husband but I would sure block out what u read as that is just your husband lusting after sex so lets fix that problem and u tie him up and make him scream your name.hahah
    I am joking around but at the same time I am serious men are just wired different than woman and we have to sometimes come down to their level not a big deal.Think on it try it and see if u feel better.

  • Gail

    October 12, 2014

    Ina,
    OK now I think I understand.This boy is supplying u with information about your hubby.
    OK listen YESSSS it sucksss hard rocks to read such crap your husband has wrote.Like I said before men are nothing more than grown kids to be honest.Here is the thing he is all up in this girls business and lusting after her like a dog in heat and right now there is not alot u can do about that because he has in his mind that girl is a virgin and he is ready to get hold on that if u know what I mean.Now in saying that he is going to get exactly what he is lusting after but what about afterwards.He is going to settle into his old habits the same like he has with u and she is going to realize she is not so special anymore after she has been deflowered and the reality of her real life sets in.
    You will see give it time.You just work on you and don’t let your husband be the source of your happiness or your self worth girl.
    I don’t know what problems u r having in the bedroom but I would suggest to u if it is coming from your side and u have decided to stay in the marriage my suggestion to u is to try an experiment.
    I don’t know if u are walking around with a pent up feelings and your husbands is feeling this which I bet u thats what is going on.
    Just think on it and try this experiment fix him his favorite dinner and be happy when he comes in.As u are eating chat with him make sure u smile and just be friendly but not over friendly.U want to say with your actions that u are inviting him to make sexual contact with u without u just throwing yourself on him although I am not against that either but I think u playing with him like a cat and mouse game will be more exciting for him and maybe for u 2.
    If he doesn’t take the bait the first day keep pouring on the sugar innocently until he does take the bait.
    Believe me and think logical he found u attractive all these years and made babies with u so yeah he loves your body and you.
    U guys are just in tension and when people r in tension sex seems to be the first to go.Soooo start getting rid of that tension and give your hubby something to think about other than your cowife feeding his sexual fantasies understand.

  • Gail

    October 12, 2014

    Ana,
    I wish it was just a couple of cyst but that was ruled out on the first mammogram and found to be two nodules unfortunately.My nodules are right under the nipples.
    I am happy us talking about it has helped.I know me being able to blog to u about it has helped me more than u know to.
    You have helped me so much just listening and letting me get my feelings out.
    I don’t remember which lady said about getting the breast biopsy and telling me that her boobs felt like a truck had run over them after.That also has helped me sooo much to know what to expect.I am so thankful for all the information.

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2014

    @Ina,

    From what you wrote, it sounds he has promised the girl that he will not have sexual relations with you at her request. He probably feels guilty when he attempts to have sexual relations with you, as he’s breaking a promise to her. It could be why he has performance problems. You are probably right that he has told her so much that he only wants her to reassure her, and now he has convinced himself.

    Women who do such a thing (make men promise not to have sex with their other wives) are so wrong. Here she calls herself accepting polygamy by marrying a married man, but has another agenda. She wants to be in polygamy as much as the man on the moon does (figure of speech). She only agreed to be in a polygamous marriage to get married to him. Based on all you’ve said she intends to manipulate him and control him in any and every way possible.

    You have hurt yourself, as well. You keep listening to the boy and reading what he and the girl send you. He’s working with the girl or the girl is using him to get to you and it’s working. Nevertheless, if you don’t read those messages, you can’t be hurt by them. What you don’t know can’t hurt you. If your husband knows this boy is real, I’m surprised he doesn’t do something to put a stop to him harassing you.

    I really don’t know what to tell you other than what I’ve already said, which is what Allah says: seek His help with patience, perseverance and prayer. It is indeed difficult accept for those who bring a lowly spirit. It means it won’t be difficult if you surrender to Allah.

    I can’t say I fault her for not wanting to give up some of her time for the kids on weekends. He has a right to see the children anytime he wants. It’s not her fault that he doesn’t want to take advantage of the anytime right he has. He could take the children with him on her time, as well. I don’t think a woman without children has to sacrifice her time for a woman who has them. He could move the families nearer to each other, as well. He’s the one who needs to figure it out. He’s not doing badly at all by giving both of you even/Steven time. You can’t fault him there for it. A wife with more children doesn’t get more time just because she has children. Next we’d hear a wife with 10 children should have more time than a wife with one. Where does one drawer the line

    You don’t have to stay in the marriage, unless Allah has determined you will or determined you will for the time being. Allah doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bare. I think you truly want to accept polygamy and the problems are coming from the girl, the boy and your husband. Ask Allah to guide you and remove you from the marriage, if it is best for you to leave it. You don’t need to suffer needlessly when divorce is an option. What would you like to do?

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2014

    Dear Gail,

    Whatever it is, you’re in a good place. I found out after my sister’s death, when I read the Death Certificate, that she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer from the onset. She lived three years after the diagnoses. She had chemo and radiation, but didn’t have the mastectomy till two years after the diagnosis. They were amazed she was still living.She passed a year later after having the masectomy. I won’t talk about her any longer, as I don’t think it’s helpful for you. Furthermore, you’ve helped me a good deal in just talking with me about it. You just don’t know. Alhumdulliah!

    Gail, it could be a cyst you’re feeling. Allah knows best. You could be paranoid right about now, and are imagining things such as soreness in your arm, as you’re over thinking it. Our minds can play tricks on us. Monday will be here before you know it. I’m waiting to hear good news that it’s not cancerous. I’ve got to go out and celebrate when you give me the good news that it’s not. I’ll have to go have an ice cream sundae or something a scone, ice Frappucchino or something…

    When is your brother-in-laws wedding? I had thought it was during the time the blog was closed, which is why we hadn’t heard from you. I am sooooo happy you are back. When you hear the good news that you are cancer free, you’ve got to celebrate at the wedding like there is no tomorrow. Happy Dancing Elephant LOL Gail, no twerking though LOL {{{hugs}}}

  • Ina

    October 11, 2014

    @ Gail, thank you for all your advice. You are right, if someone doesn’t want to listen then they do not hear what you trying to tell them. I mean why is it so hard to understand why I want more weekend time for the kids? I have said it until I am blue (or red in my case) in the face and I can’t say it anymore. It just makes me angry and I end up shouting which gets me nowhere. Hubby is trying to split the weekends evenly so I just need to satisfy with that for now. But is it so unreasonable of me to ask for a little more because of the kids? Would the husband be unfair he gave a few hours more at the weekend to one family to spend more with the kids?

    I don’t know how I will be in the future with regards to schedule…but at this point in time I am not feeling so generous. We have not reached the stage where she and I can communicate civilly with each other. Also, hubby say she misunderstands some of what I write due to the language. I don’t think she is ready to listen to what I have to say either. Whatever I say it will be taken the wrong way such as I am trying to sabotage things for her, trying to take away her rights, trying to give her less time, using the kids as an excuse, etc.

    As for whether or not I have accepted 100% that I will be in a polygamous marriage, I do not allow myself to think/hope that the marriage will not happen. I don’t know if this means I have fully accepted or not. I have told this boy months ago when he first contacted me that there is nothing I could do to stop their marriage. Even if I give hubby an ultimatum to divorce me or marry her, he will choose to marry her. I know this almost as if it is a fact. The things that this boy has revealed to me about their relationship is hurtful but it doesn’t change anything. It makes things harder to deal with, much much harder to deal with.

    Today I received another msg from the boy. He forwarded me a msg that hubby had sent to his fiancee which basically tells her what he would like to do to her sexually (it’s in malay so I don’t understand it fully) but it ends with the these words in English “I don’t want anyone else, just you my darling **** (name of his fiancee)”. Yes I know I shouldn’t read it/take any notice of it but given that we are having problems in the bedroom, this msg does not help with my self esteem. He of course said it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want me, it means he doesn’t want another woman in additional to her (and me). I am a given because we are already married. Told hubby that if he keeps telling himself that he only wants her and nobody else, it’s not surprising that we are having problems. Psychologically it may have affected our relationship. I don’t know if anyone can understand what I am saying. If you keep telling yourself something, even if it is not true, you will begin to believe it if said often enough.

    @Ummof4, I know you said I try to focus on my marriage and making it as wonderful as possible. I am finding it very difficult to see how I can do this after everything that has happened. I can’t just forget some of things I know. I am trying to carry on as best as I could until he gets married. Pls make dua for me that it gets easier from then onwards.

  • Gail

    October 11, 2014

    Ana,
    Your welcome about your sister.It is true alot of times u and I see things a little different.Thats what I really like about you though.I know u are a good person by heart and I don’t mind at all if we have different perceptions of things I really think it helps to see another persons view point that maybe we have not thought about so much before.
    I didn’t know your sister but I get the feeling from what I am going through now what your sister did by hiding it she did from a place of love for all of u guys.U just think how hard it is to hide something that huge from your family.
    I just got back from Walmart and I was walking make from the makeup isle and I saw a wrack of shirts and I just happen to notice they were Pink and I read on the shirt I wear pink for my wife.I just stopped in my tracks and froze there for a few seconds.When we got out of r car before we even went into walmart it came on the radio about cancer and swear to u I can not even turn on the radio without there being an ad about cancer.I swear I have never heard the word cancer so much like I have in the last 3 weeks.I am trying to remain positive but Ana it is like it is up in my face now and I don’t understand why.
    I have started noticing other things with my body also like my left arm musle has been sore my right is a little sore also but not like my left and right under my breast area right in fron by my left rib area I feel another bump and it is a little sore.I don’t know if we have lymph nodes in that area or if it is another nodule or cyst but i can feel it pretty good.I will mention it to the doc on monday.
    As far as my excowife and her attitude I don’t know she just wanted me out of the picture and she did not want to share him and if she was forced to share him she wanted control of everything .I know this because her mother flat told my mother inlaw that I better back off and know my place if i am staying around and her daughter is the head.When I heard that I told my hubby thats fine u keep her and I and my son and I am gone back to USA and I will file divorce.He told me that day he decided to give her oral talaq he was done with her and thats exactly what happen.Oh she tried to contact me back in August and tell me that he slept with her all winter long over at his mothers home etc… I just told her Great that is a load off my mind because I was upset u were not getting your rights.Thank u that is a huge load off my mind.Naturally that pissed her off and she bashed hubby up and down and finally I told her look u got to knock off.We are not going to divorce and we are raising the kids either shut the heck up or step off with your nonsense I had enough.She then told me keep her kids(Like she has some kind authority which she don’t)Instead of fighting with her I said Thanks I will and that was the last I heard from her.
    I do know she is sure looking to see if hubby was going back for his brothers wedding so she can tryto put a case on him.It is never ending with those people.

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2014

    Ina,

    There are several ayat (verses) in the Quran that let us know a man should marry chaste, virtuous, believing women, not lustful women, and that following lusts or the lustful could lead us astray. I cited some of the ayat (verses) about lusts and how following lusts could lead us astray in general in the post/tread https://polygamy411.com/are-lusts-and-desires-good-or-bad/

    Ummof4 wrote a wonderful post/comment about sexual desire https://polygamy411.com/are-lusts-and-desires-good-or-bad/

    You should take a look at surah 4, ayah 25 and surah 5, ayah 5, as well.

    The ayah about adultery is: Surah 17, ayah 32: “Nor come nigh to adultery: for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils).”

    Many Muslims fail to realize that our purpose on this planet is to worship and serve Allah with a goal to enter Paradise. Most Muslims do not take our purpose and goal into account when they consider marriage and look at a potential spouse. All they concern themselves with is their desires.

    Ina, you said your husband said he made “dua for a young, intelligent and “loving” wife. “ Nowhere in there does he mention he asked for a righteous, virtuous, pious, chaste, devout, believing wife. Those characteristic or traits weren’t amongst what your husband asked for. Yes, it seems Allah may have given him or is about to give him what he wants, but the most important things maybe missing.

    Allah says in some of our prayers we ask for things that we think are good for us and they are not. We may not like something that is good for us and like something that is bad for us.

    No one says a man can’t desire for marriage, for instance, a woman for a wife who has a nice, sexy body, intelligence, beauty and wealth, but it shouldn’t be what he seeks first and foremost. She could lose all those things or not have some of them, but if she is pious, righteous, virtuous, chaste and NOT lustful, she’s a blessing for a believing man. She is his raiment and he is hers. They have the same goal. They are on the same page. They know the reason Allah has us here on this planet and what our goal is.

    I suggest you leave your husband alone about the girl he intends to marry, as his mind is already made up. They’ve made the arrangements. They are committed. Monies have been allocated for the wedding and festivities. People are aware of the plans. Most importantly, IT APPEARS for now Allah will let it all come to fruition. We shall see. It appears there is nothing you could say or do to stop it. You’ll only appear desperate and that you are grasping at straws to prevent the inevitable. I so understand where you’re coming from, Ina, but you’ve got to let go and let it be, however, Allah has decreed it to be.

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2014

    Maire,

    You’re right; no good would come to you had you forced his hand to get rid of her. I know you feel so good about yourself and feel glad in your heart that you have no desire to ask him to make the choice. What a beautiful feeling it is. You know you’re truly in this to seek the good pleasure of Allah and not to seek your pleasure, your husband’s pleasure, nor her pleasure. You, nonetheless, are getting pleased now and, Insha Allah, will at the higher level, Jannah (Paradise), as long as you keep going in the direction you are going Alhumdulliah! It’s the same as Mari2 in her awesome other post said: https://polygamy411.com/how-to-have-a-successful-polygamous-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-265

  • Marie

    October 11, 2014

    @Ana, I know the above post wasn’t addressing me but I agree 100%. You see before hubz married ‘other’ she asked what he would do if I said no, and wasn’t willing to share him. Hubz said ” she’s (me) not saying that, so it doesn’t matter” I think she already knew the answer from the first time when I said NO, you (hubz) pick me or her. I think she wanted to see if that had changed, if he suddenly realised that it was her he wanted all along. Alhamdulilah, that I had grown a certain amount in faith to not let my desires rule me and to accept what Allah had made permissible. Even now, I still feel that if I turned round to hubz and said, that’s it, I’m done. Get rid or I’m out. I think he would divorce her. Allah may allow me to go through with it and let it happen, I don’t think any good (for me) would come from it. However it’s not about him (hubz) or her. It’s about Allah and what I need to do to get to where I want to be and accepting what has passed and what may come with…. as you say enthusiasm.

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    Oh, Ina, when speaking of I.P. addresses I forgot to mention they are a good tool when an administrators of a blog receives threatening posts or threatening email. Say for instance someone sends a threat by post, using a bogus email address, the person’s IP address, nonetheless, is valid. Take for instance, a person post from some place, let’s say “Roseville, Michigan” in the U.S., one knows where to begin the investigation with regard to the threat.

    @Gail,

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on what may have been going on with my sister. I feel a lot better, having spoken with you about it. You gave me some insight into what she may have been going through. You see things from a different perspective than I a lot of times, and I can appreciate it. I second what you said about men. Yes sometimes they are somewhat like big emotional children LOL

    Gail, one of the things you said about your ex-co that struck me as very important was, “I seen it as this was my family and I was being gracious to include her and not force hubby to divorce her.” This is what perturbs me about many women who join an existing marriage; they come in making demands and want to run the show. They think they can take over and what they say goes. They think the wife who is there before her has to take the back seat as though she (the potential wife) has some type of royalty. Those wives joining the existing marriages get it twisted. They get it twisted many times because the husband fill their heads with what they (the potential wives) need to hear to accept the position of being a wife second in number. In your case it was slightly different, but basically the same, as you said (You were more like the 1st wife). The potential wives really don’t realize that had the first wives really put their foots down and said no, this will not happen, actually were really, truly, wholeheartedly ready to leave the marriage, and the husband believed it, those potential wives would never have become wives – based on what we have seen or heard of other situations in the past. (of course, Allah did not write the script that way for those of us who didn’t put our foots down).

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2014

    Ina,

    I agree with Gail that you should just forget about the boy and who he is. It really doesn’t matter. It’s not the same as if you wanted to find out who the co is. To identify the co would be worth investigating. I.P. addresses are only good to know where someone is using a device(computer, cell phone)from. It only tells the location the person is in. If a person is using a company computer, the IP address would give the name and the location of the company. If a person, for instance, says she is in Pakistan, but is blogging from Beverton Oregon in the U.S., the administrator of a blog would know it, if the admin took the time to lookup the I.P address. I don’t know the laws in other countries and laws in the U.S vary from State to State. In the State I live in, I would have to have an attorney get a court order or subpoena to obtain the name and exact address of the person who has the device the I.P address is assigned to and then one would have to narrow it down to who used the computer to blog, if there are multiple people in the home who use the same device. It gets involved. You could take the photo to the university, show the pic to people and ask around, but, it goes without saying, it is not worth the time and trouble. So, I’d just back off, and leave it alone.

    Allah does say in the Holy Quran that we should not marry for lust. I’d have to get the Ayah for you. We know your husband most likely is marrying for lust, as he certainly isn’t marrying the girl for her piety and modesty. It doesn’t seem to be for her righteousness. He already has a wife – you -, so he has a lawful avenue for sex. Based on what you’ve advised us, we know he desires the girl, which is why he wants to marry her – to be intimate with her. It doesn’t sound he wants to bring her into his life, so she could be part of his existing family. All the game playing that she has been doing is indicative that she’s not a team player, and wants nothing to do with you and your children. She only wants your husband and what he could provide for her.

    As Gail said, the more you try to discredit her and see the negative side of her, he will dislike you more and be drawn to her more. It’s weird how it happens. It’s like a check and balance situation. It helps prevent us from sinful acts. Allah lets certain people see it. Now, you know how it works. Keep talking badly about her to him and it will draw him to her. My wali/friend let me know this a while back and now by golly I THINK I’VE GOT IT. Be wise, Ina.

  • Gail

    October 11, 2014

    Ina,
    One more quick thing.STOP worrying about your future cowife boyfriend.I believe u mentioned your husband is aware of this young man and his second wife is telling him the young man is nothing I would imagine and your husband believes her I am certain or he would not marry her.You trying to discredit her is going to make your husband pissed at you more than her understand?Unless u have some other reason I don’t know about I am telling u to knock off on that topic as long as your husband is aware of the young man.Your husband obviously knows and wants to move forward with the marriage and u snooping around in that mess is just time u r devoting to that mess and not to your children understand?Somethings like getting rights for your kids u can control your cowifes boyfriend nope leave it alone before u yourself get burned.
    Ina what are u hoping to prove even if u do find out she has a boyfriend on the side?Are u hoping your hubby will not marry her?If u are holding out hope on that side give it up girl and think logical and think that your husband obviously has desire for more than one wife.I am not saying u are doing this on purpose but I have to wonder if u are really 100% accepting your polygamous situation and it is ok Ina to be honest if u are not.Accepting Polygamy will be one of the hardest things u will ever have to do and alot of people really struggle with it.
    I will be completely honest with u.When I first found out my husband was keeping his first wife on the side I flipped out and thought how on earth can I deal with him ever sleeping with her and her being a part of our life.I contemplated divorce seriously and then I decided to try polygamy for the sake of the family unit.
    My biggest stress was them having sexual relations it mentally tortured me for awhile to be frank because he had not been with her sexually after he married me.Long story short after all was said and done it was not the sex that ended up bothering me but her wanting to share control of my life.That did not sit well with me at all.I seen it as this was my family and I was being gracious to include her and not force hubby to divorce her.Yes she was the first wife but in name only.I was the wife that was raising the kids living with hubby for 8 years straight and we had this life we made together with the kids she was an outsider coming into our life and I when she started demanding things or going behind my back to try to get kids for things I got really fighting mad.I flat told my husband she is to live under me period the end or I will divorce him.I was not putting up with her trying to come in and change our life.Was I wrong to be so bullheaded I don’t know to be frank as I felt like she was trying to divide the family in our case.She wanted hubby to divorce me and she was hell bent to force it to happen.Do I hate her for that Nope I don’t I understand where she was coming from even though I feel she should have accepted it and worked with me and not against me.
    Just be honest with yourself and if u are trying to dig dirt through this boy on your cowife I am warning u leave it alone less this mess come back on u.

  • Gail

    October 11, 2014

    Ina,
    It sure sounds like u are going through what I went through a few years back when I was faced with my husband lying about his first wife and keeping her on the side.I don’t know what it is about human nature and esp with men in particular but u can talk till u are BLUE in the face and if he is not wanting to listen then he is not going to period the end.I told my husband so many times about stuff until i was sick and frustrated and wanted a divorce from him.Only just now recently being faced with the real prospect of having breast cancer has my husband and I come face to face with both of our not listening attitudes.Bottom line I flat told him u have to grow up now I can’t go through this knowing if I die u are still acting like a child emotionally and he has agreed with me 100% and something personal has happened recently with him to drive the point home that yeah Gail is saying right.
    Ina I wish I had some amazing information to give u to fast track your husband to get a clue now instead of years down the road if ever but I don’t unfortunately but I can tell u this.
    My sincere guess is his second wife is already manipulating his brain since she is giving demands and not not trying to work with u.
    Now I admit I am as my husband likes to call me”One big mouth woman” and I accept it happily.
    If your husband is acting childish and u really want to fight for your kids rights DON’T U DARE BACK DOWN INA.
    U go back to him and tell him he is going to meet u in the middle on this one period the end.
    Here is what I would do in your case.I would go back to him and say to him I have been thinking on this and it really is not ok with me about the kids loosing time soooo here is the deal u get with second wife and u two love birds come up with a reasonable honey moon time period and I will give u this for ( whatever time u choose Ina)1 -3 months would be nice and understanding so they can transition into their life and meeting them half way in my opinion.If he says not and continues to create problems I would go straight to my cowife and flat tell her how the cow eats the cabbage.Maybe the other woman on the blog will see it different but my personality is to fight for my kids and I personally think u are right that he needs to stop letting second wife manipulate him and get himself focused on his children.
    I also think u might better nip this manipulation on her side in the bud and let them both flat know straight up u are willing to meet them half way but u are not about to let them run over you.
    Also please do not lower yourself to their level and say oh their time is coming and just let this go I don’t feel that is the right way.
    It is better to say to him and your cowife straight up that she will have children and she will need u to be decent with her later on so warn her straight up this is not a good idea to take time from the kids.
    Ina I flat told my excowife everything.To this day I do not go through my husband to tell my excowife anything.If u can’t see her face to face email her is my advice.I feel very strong husbands alot of times are nothing more than big kids emotionally.
    Anyway u do what u want but if it were me I would not accept anything that is going to make u hard or bitter inside.It is better u say your peace otherwise u will start feeling anger and resentment towards your cowife and your husband and that will do more harm in the long run than good in my opinion.Also lets be frank obviously it seems at first not every husband but most husbands desire the new wife for awhile and maybe forever.Your happiness and self worth does not depend on what your husband thinks of u but more what u think of yourself and how u r going to deal these issues that come up in your life.
    I will say this always try to meet half way and be respectful but don’t let them walk all over u there that is my advice to u.

  • Ina

    October 11, 2014

    @ Ana, you mentioned that Allah says we should not marry for lust. Does it actually say this in the Quran? Hubby snorted at that when I mentioned it to him. He feels that if he does not marry another, he will sin and not be able to go to paradise. He has been looking for a long time, making dua for a young, intelligent and “loving” wife. With this girl, it seems Allah has answered his prayers.

    There was a TV documentary a few weeks ago about polygamous marriages in the UK. The man in the match making agency said 80% of men wants a woman to have a nice body. Surely, one of the reasons that men marry is to satisfy their sexual needs in a halal way.

  • Gail

    October 11, 2014

    Ana,
    I can’t speak for your sister but I know for me personally I have my entire life never told anyone when I was ill or was going in for surgeries.I can not tell u haw many times my mother has become very angry with me for not telling her I was having surgeries when she found out years later after the fact.My mother didn’t even know I had ovarian surgery to remove my right ovary and fallopian tube.She told me she felt like choking me.
    I will tell u why I am like this and chances your sister might have felt the same way and it is very simple.
    1. It has to do with being worried yourself and not being able to bring yourself to tell other people.It has nothing to do with Denial but when I am sick I tend to focus inward.What I mean by that is I can’t deal with people around me possibly knowing and wanting to chat with me about it or even be around me to be honest.I save my energy to focus.You would not believe but for me personally it is a million percent emotionally draining to deal with people when I am ill so I choose not to.
    When I was ill in the past I only confided in my husband and my Grandmother.My first husband had to watch r son and I was in the hospital so he had to know at the time and I was very close and LOVEDDDD my dear sweet grandmother and asked her to come stay close to me.Even G.D bless her she wiped my butt after surgery for me because I was so ill I can remember G.D bless her that sweet woman.
    Ana everyone is so vastly different in personalities and everyone grieves in different ways.I personally get why your sister could not cope with telling.Granted she seemed to go to the extreme in not confiding in her husband but yet again if his first wife died of cancer then yeah I can totally see her not being able to bring herself to tell him.Think about it from her perspective how that conversation would go.Honey guess what U really know how to pick em I got Cancer the same as your first wife.Also keep in your mind I am almost certain her husband confided in your sister just how hard loosing his first wife to cancer was.My gut says she loved her husband and just could not bring herself knowingly to see him suffer and she kept it secret from u guys to protect him and herself.Again I don’t know that for a fact but that would be my sincere guess.I think she would have been to worried had she confided in her family someone would let the cat out of the bag and tell hubby in her case also there is one more factor in my case that may have played a part in your sisters personality as well and that is PRIDE.
    When I got sick and even now going through this and when I say this I know it will sound so silly and illogical but I can’t help it.I feel embarrassed that this has happened to me.Like WHY ME I don’t drink I don’t do drugs I live a clean life etc… The best I can describe it is like u have been arrested and u think OMG I hope knowone finds out about this.I feel like that and maybe your sister did to.
    You know when I see these Cancer Survivors in magazines telling their stories I think to myself they are a well known public figure they have to put on a brave face and say they are going to beat the cancer and not let the cancer beat them etc… and that is all well and good but after going through this mess myself I am sorry but that is all a public act to save face for their PRIDE in my opinion.I have not one time in the last 3 weeks felt like I can beat this or that I even have any control or power over this I liken it more to waiting to be executed and I am on death Row to be frank.I don’t mean to also sound morbid but come on I am not a cancer surgeon that I feel very confident about anything and the cancer doc is sure not my family member that I trust on him to tell me the absolute truth.My feeling might change later on towards all this mess but for now this is the way I feel.
    I will say this on the off chance everything comes back ok I will never see life the same way again.I am going to live my life and enjoy every moment of it and thank G.D that he blessed me with husband and kids that are just perfect for me.I have always loved my family but I was so stuck in the mud/mess of my life I could not see the beauty of what G.D blessed me with in my own life.Well I sure see it now and I am Thankful to G.D to let me feel happiness again and see my blessings.I have not felt true happiness in about 6 years now and it sure feels good to feel that emotion again.

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2014

    I’m so happy to have all our friends and blog family back Happy Times

    The official title is: “Reach Out in the Darkness.” There must have been a typo. Some people may not listen to music – just don’t listen :-) okay?

    I think it’s so groovy now
    That people are finally getting together
    I thinks it’s so wonderful and how
    That people are finally getting together
    Reach out in the darkness
    Reach out in the darkness
    Reach out in the darkness
    And you may find a friend

    I knew a man that I did not care for
    And then one day this man gave me a call
    We sat and talked about things on our mind
    And now this man he is a friend of mine
    Don’t be afraid of love
    Don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid to love
    Everybody needs a little love
    Everybody needs somebody
    That they can be thinking of

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2014

    @Gail,

    I’m so happy and glad you are feeling much better. You’re a trooper. I know you’ll be okay.

    Gail, I still don’t understand when people don’t let their loved ones know what’s going on with them (a critical illness). The only thing it does, when the loved one passes away, is leave them questioning why he or she didn’t let him or her know. They become so upset and distraught. They can’t stop thinking about it and questioning it. Then they get angry and they go through all kinds of changes. They feel guilty for not picking up on signals, and for having not been kinder to the person, etc. I didn’t go through all that with regard to my sister; although my sister who is a nurse did. I did go through it when my grandma passed when I was just 12 or 13 years old. I deal with death differently since I’ve become Muslim.

    I still am perplexed that my sister did not even let her husband know. She didn’t prepare him for it in any kind of way. He was 25 years older than she. She did everything for him. He didn’t know how to do ANYTHING. He was retired and she took care of all the finances etc. He couldn’t even cook for himself. He saw her that morning for about 15 mins then she sent him away. She only let my mom and me stay with her for about 10 or 15 minutes at the end whenever she was in the hospital then she’d send us away. I think it was too painful for her psychologically for us to be there.Her husband was out cutting the grass when she passed. I can’t remember who went and got him. He comes to the hospital and we’re all in the room with her. He walks in, not knowing beforehand, to find her dead. Now, that is sad.

    I think people should rethink going out that way, as it really hurts the loved one badly. I don’t think people feel sorry for people who are critically ill. They only want to spend time with their loved one and appreciate the person more, have good memories and feel better about themselves once the person is gone, instead of them thinking – wow, the person didn’t care enough about me to let me know so I could express myself and show my love. It’s just how I think about it. Granted, a person should be all that is good while a person is living so they never have to feel badly, but it doesn’t always happen that way. I apologize if I am being morbid.

  • Gail

    October 10, 2014

    Ana,
    I am doing much better after I got up and started my day.I understand how your sister felt I really do I have already told hubby more times than I can count over the last few weeks DO NOT TELL ANYONE.Only him and my 3 small children know.I have not even told my older son and don’t plan on telling him even if I am diagnosed unless it becomes critical.He just lost his dad 2 yrs ago and I don’t feel he is emotionally strong enough to cope even though he will be 20 in a few weeks.So yeah I totally can relate to not wanting to keep it on the low down.I will not even inform my family unless it is worst case.I just don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me or crying I just can’t handle that to be frank.The only person I need to be honest is my husband for emotional support and he has been so exceptional during this crisis.

  • Gail

    October 10, 2014

    Marie,
    I am sorry he lied to u and broke the rule.I think u are taking it amazingly well to be honest.I am the worst when it comes to anger issues I have said all my life G.D granted me with alot of qualities but Patience was not one of them.I laugh about it but inside I know I am serious about it and that has been the hardest challenge in my life to try to control my anger and have patience.I wish I had some wise words to give help u but I need help in this area myself.

  • Gail

    October 10, 2014

    Spirited,
    Don’t worry ask away.I don’t know if I will know the answer but if I don’t I can run it by hubby and see if he might know to help u out.Don’t worry about me being upset I am doing ok the sad episodes comes and go and are not as frequent as before.I am ok don’t worry.

  • Ina

    October 10, 2014

    @ Laila, sounds like you are having a great time in Turkey. I would love to visit but Hubby is going there for his honeymoon so I think it will be a while before I get to see it.

    Hubby said to me that the weekends are important to her and if she wants it then he needs to split it fairly. It does not matter what her reasons are for wanting it. But at the same he literally scoffs when I say I want it for the kids…he doesn’t believe me which I find extremely hurtful. He thinks I am just using the kids to get what I want. I asked him to stay and have lunch with the kids on that 1st Saturday that he is back before going to his other wife. I told him that the kids don’t have to be on a schedule and he can spend more time with them if he wants to without affecting the schedule. But if he wants or she insists then he can come later on the day that he leaves her to make up the extra few hours. He said if he stays until after lunch then half the weekend will be gone with his other wife…I am just speechless!

    I am hurt and frustrated but like you said I will let him rule supreme. I warned him (and her) that they can’t use their kids in the future to change the schedule. What goes around comes around is all I saying. You were patient during the early years of your marriage and now seeing the benefits. If they can’t be bothered to empathise with my situation at a time when they clearly have the option to then I don’t see why I should be nice to them in the future when they may need it.

  • Ina

    October 10, 2014

    Assalamualaikum,

    This boy sent future co-wife a photo of himself (or so he claims). I have a feeling that the photo is actually someone else so I am trying to find out the real identity of the “good-looking” man in the photo. I have sent it to an ex-employee who studied at the same university last year and also the Malaysian community for that university to see if they know who he is.

    It might be her ex-boyfriend who is seeking revenge for being dumped. I am pretty sure the name the boy gave me is a fake. I tried looking at IP address from the email he sent me but drew a blank. I don’t think it helps to identify a person or I am just not looking at it correctly.

    @Ana – any detective tips for me?

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2014

    @Marie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Insha Allah, I will try performing wudu and do 2 rakahs next time I feel myself becoming angry. I had read in Islamic material that it’s good to eat something sweet and sit down until the anger subsides. If sitting down doesn’t work, we should lie down. Insha Allah, I will try it as well.

    I usually did nothing, but go with the feeling and act it out. Anger makes us feel good at times. It makes us feel powerful and strong. It has to be Satan whispering that it’s good. Satan says, we’re expressing ourselves and we’re entitled to. Satan makes our acts appear fair seeming. Anger is a machination of Satan. We need to constantly critique ourselves, analyze ourselves and review ourselves.

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2014

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You got that right (your post was on the money) Word

    Women who pride themselves on their sexual exploits and special skills they think they have; they think sex gives them their self-worth have got serious issues they can’t see. They think the freakier the better. One day they’ll wake up and feel like a piece of – you know what I mean. I feel I can’t use my curse words with you, ummo LOL. I’m sure those women will be full of regrets.

    I can understand a non-Muslim (such as the woman that you referred to – a co spoken of on this blog) behaving that way and disrespecting herself, but I can’t see a Muslim woman doing such. I suppose it happens. Many men don’t seem to seek out a righteous wife. In Ina husband’s case, his basis for marrying seems to be for lust, which Allah tells us not to marry for. He will suffer the consequences.

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2014

    Ina,

    A lot of what’s happening in your life with you, your husband, the girl, and the boy, just seems so strange. Knowing the boy is expressing his love for the girl, doesn’t want your husband and the girl to marry, and is interfering, I’d think your husband would do what he could to put an end to it. I’d think he’d make an effort to find out if the boy is real or not. I’d think he’d put his foot down with the girl to stop her from playing games. It’s so chaotic. It gives me every reason to believe it’s just his fate to go through an earthly Hell with her. She’s meant to be a form of agony for him in this life. All you could do is exercise patience, perseverance and pray that they don’t drag you down in the mess. Your life should not resemble anything such as their. As alison stated, she (alison) appear calm and at peace and her co probably can’t understand it. You’ve got to separate yourself from them and their nonsense as much as possible.

    He shouldn’t concern himself with her repentance. He should only concern himself with his own. He suggested to her that she repent and the rest is on her. Her response to him let’s us know she doesn’t take Islam seriously.

    I don’t understand these long engagements that these Muslims are doing. It just paves the way for unlawful sexual activities to take place. A husband would do best to not see his intended or see her as little as possible to avoid haram activities. Your husband is married to you. What they do is bordering adultery, which is a serious offense. Your husband should be spending this time before the marriage with you and your children, and making it a special time before there is forced division of time.

    It’s sad to see what’s happening to those whom we love and we can do nothing about it. Allah tells us not to grieve over them. It’s how Allah wrote the script so we just have to go with it. You could speak with your husband and let him know your thoughts and feelings for what they’re worth and it’s all you could do about him.

  • ummof4

    October 10, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,
    Jum’uah Mubarak

    Ina, it is unfortunate that your husband and his fiancee committed haraam acts. They need to get married ASAP to avoid any recurrences. Your husband may have repented, but unless he stays away from intimate situations, he will probably slip back into the same haraam behavior. Your husband’s fiancee is starting to sound like someone else on the blog’s co. She loves to talk about sex and sexual acts; she wants to compare sexual acts; she is interested in sex and says she wants it often; she makes sure that you see pictures of your husband and her being intimate with each other. If sex is all she has to offer your husband, you should be content in the fact that you can offer him sex and much more. Her emaan is extremely low if she wants to show her sins to the world and talk about her sins to the world. Believe me, super freaky sex may captivate a man for a short while, but he realizes that he needs a wife who is a woman in every sense of the word, not just a sex machine. I make du’ah for all concerned, especially for your husband’s fiancee, because she seems to be a very ignorant, confused, selfish person (according to what you have said).

    Everyone have a blessed Jum’uah and may Allah answer your du’ah today.

  • Marie

    October 10, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All,

    Alhamdulilah for all your responses.
    Spirited, that what I was most angry about, it’s not just that he took them on holiday, like you said, he made the rule then broke it.
    Gail and ummof4, I know she only wanted it to be her husband and kids on the trip. She’s always wanted to split the family up. As far as me and hubz decided it would be 1 family but 2 marriages, meaning if it’s a family event then the whole family should go. Originally she agreed to the 1 family plan. but of course that was before hubz made his final intention to marry her.
    If she carry on the same way my children will hate her. They will know that when daddy married ***** (name of children) mom, they didn’t see their brother and sisters as often, there was not more movie nights, no more day trips ect. I’m sure their kids will notice it too. I’m not upset or angry about it anymore, what will be will be. All I can say is I tried.

    Ana, I too am into looking how to control my anger, it’s not something I did often before polygany (get angry) I found that releasing it doesn’t help, I just feel worse and usually regret some if the things I say to hubz. So basically, recently when i get angry I make wudu and pray 2 rakah. I wait untill I’m calm to addresses whatever it is that upset me. So far so good alhamdulilah.

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    @Gail,

    I know you are scared. It’s way normal to be. I had no reason to believe I had breast cancer, but went through a brief scared period (paranoia) after I lost my sister. Strangely I didn’t really know much about what my sister was experiencing. She never let us know. She did at times blurt out her feelings. Once, when we took the family trip to Vegas, she said, “you just don’t know what it’s like… Overall, we found out what was happening to her by me researching it. My sister who is a nurse lives in Connecticut, so I was closer to my sister here, taking her to her doctor appts and going to the hospital when she was taken then as an emergency. I stayed on top of what was happening with her, to know the end was near for her. Her husband had no clue what was going on with her. He only went with what she told him, which was nothing and he didn’t speak with the doctors to find out. She passed and he had no idea she was going to. It was weird as his first wife (before he met and married my sister) died of cancer.My sister who is a nurse tried to talk to the doctors, but my sister didn’t put her on the list of people they could inform. So, in actuality I don’t know much, but can only imagine.

    I think it’s very good you express yourself about it and don’t go into denial about your feelings. Once Monday gets here, it would be better for you, once you get the results. I totally understand what you mean when you said you’re ready whichever way it goes. After I got past my unreasonable scare, I felt the same way and I feel the same way. I think the scare takes some of us to a different level. Now, I think whatever I’m confronted with health wise and it may take me out of here, I can handle it. The one thing I’m not to receptive to is something that may disfigure my face such as a stroke or not being able to talk or see. I think I’d go crazy inside myself not being able to talk or see. I pray Allah doesn’t give me a burden more than I have the strength to bear.

    Gail, if you were to have cancer, I think your husband would approach life a lot differently. Allah may let him see ex-co in a whole different light. Your husband may change his point of view especially when he knows how much it means to you that your co take care of the children. Allah knows best.

    Praise be to God your little 9 year old is a genius. I really like what you said when you stated: “I want to encourage all u mothers out there dealing with Polygamy plus raising kids let me encourage u to not loose focus on your children and their education while u are going through tough times with your marriage.A wife and a mother is the glue that holds the family together and believe me when I say without the glue everything will just fall apart.You have a lifetime to figure out with your husband but u only have a few short years to get it right when it comes to your children.”

  • Spirited

    October 10, 2014

    Salaam,

    Hello everyone. I hope you all have a nice day.

    @Gail, I’m glad that you’re hanging in there too :) You’re probably scared but you’re strong, its easy to see.

    oh my grandmother (mother’s mom) was the same, in a way. I just realized it when I read your comment. My grandmother, by the time they found out she had brain cancer, it was too late to do anything about it, but my mom & uncles wanted to take her to the hospital and see what they could do anyway. The day before she was going to the hospital, she called her eye doctor and told them “I’m going to have to reschedule the stitches removal, I have to go to the hospital to take care of some cancer.” heh, like she’d knock it out and be back soon :). She passed away a few months after — at home, surrounded by her kids and some grandkids. Everyone who was there said she seemed like she was at peace, thank God. :)

    lol Gail! I don’t know if my mom thought it was black magic, I imagine she could have worked that theory into it somehow, rofl. This was last year, so I probably forgot if she did say something like that or not. Nah, I haven’t told my mom very much about the blog or the gang.

    The hydrogen peroxide really worked, I was so excited that something handled the situation without more medication+side effects, phew! It is really useful for so much

    Hmmm, you asked what was going on with my husband and I. Things have been good overall. There’s been a lie, even though it wasn’t anything necessary to lie about — but like Marie’s husband, I heard the “I thought you would be upset” — I wasn’t, and I wouldn’t have been. I WAS upset about the lying, not about what he was lying about. He also pulled some stupid behavior that wasn’t called for at a family gathering recently because he was afraid his 2nd-so-called-“wife” would see pics because she’s always stalking my profile on facebook. He also did something that made a huge mess for me in Pakistan, I’m wondering if you could provide some insight about that, but I don’t know if I should bother you with it. It might not be such a big deal, but I’m not as familiar with Pakistani society as you are, but again, I don’t want to bother you with it, you’ve got enough on your plate :). That’s the major annoying points lately. Other than that, he’s been home more, but he’s always tired and we don’t do much. That would be ok, except he’s often too tired and falls asleep before we can even have any romance going lol. Well, I’m trying to be just patient about that :)

    Well, I’ll talk to you guys later, gotta go take care of some errands (and Jummah salat)!

  • Ina

    October 10, 2014

    Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions about the schedule. Hubby insists upon having alternate weekends but is thinking about letting me have the 1st Saturday after he comes back from his honeymoon. This will us 3 days with him instead of the original 2. We will see what happens if she opposes this. It looks like there will be no consistency with the days with each wife – the longest she is willing to go without hubby is 3 days on an irregular basis. I have said all that I needed to say about the schedule to hubby…there is no point in arguing about it anymore. Although I am sure problems will arise again when he has to go away to work.

    Waalaikumsalam Ummof4,
    When I first heard about this boy flirting with her on facebook, I looked him up on facebook. I was suspicious because if looks like he only recently created the facebook id before communicating with her. Prior to that there was another boy flirting with her on facebook and that id was also recently created. But then from some of the words he used, it did not sound like it was coming from a girl especially slang english words which she probably doesn’t know. The facebook id he uses to contact me is probably not his real one.

    I told him not to contact me over a month ago. I have not responded to any of his messages since then. His msgs to me are less frequent now…he is running out of ammunition to hurt me with. The reason he knows so much about their relationship is because he accessed her email account so he sent me pics of them being intimate with each other. I don’t have his real id so difficult to find out whether he is for real or not.

    My husband admitted they have sinned although no penetration. They have doing cyber sex. So technically she is still a virgin. Hubby said he repented for his sins and asked her to do the same but she refuses. She does not feel she has done anything wrong. He can see her faults (he tells me) but he also thinks that this marriage is meant to happen. For example, he was angry with her one day for asking about if he does certain sexual acts with me as he does with her. He refused to say because its haram to discuss these matters. She was kept insisting to the point that they “broke up”. He send her a mother a message explaining her daughter’s behaviour but when she received the message, her phone ran out of battery. Phone did not turn on when they tried to charge it. A few hours later the daughter managed to turn on the phone using her charger, edited the bits of the message that she did not like and showed her mum the message. After her editions, it sounded like hubby was in the wrong, being jealous and the mum never knew the true story. Hubby said if the mother received his original msg then the marriage may not go ahead.

    Anyway I have to go and buy dinner for the kids. I am not in the mood to cook so we are having biryani tonight.

  • Gail

    October 10, 2014

    Ana,
    I think u might be correct in regards to my excowife.My husband just does not trust on that girl and cringes at the idea of even thinking to reconcile with her.I will leave the topic alone for now as I think u are correct.I am just scared is all.

  • Gail

    October 10, 2014

    Marie,
    I read the post where your cowife just wanted to have her family go on the trip.Listen Right or wrong I have had these same feelings in my life so I know first hand how it feels.If I were u I would not focus on right or wrong as much as I would focus on ok cowife felt a need to have it that way so just go with the flow on it.I know it feels bad and u are different and u may not care one bit if all the kids go with You and Hubby on your vacations.If somehow u can tell yourself and believe it that everyone is different and has different needs at different times in their life I think it might help u.My husband and I were taking our 9 yr old to speech therapy together and leaving the other 2 children.My 9 yr old enjoyed the time sooo much with us alone as it made him feel special and I also loved it so much that my small baby son could get some alone time with us to himself.I don’t feel it is wrong at all to be a little selfish sometimes.I would like to mention my 12 yr old has been dying to go to the mall and buy a hoodie so last night I took the kids shopping at the mall and bought him a really nice hoodie.It really is just a simple case of different strokes for different folks.
    I would encourage u to not get to bent out of shape about the trip or your cowife however I would encourage u to think about u and what something u would like to do with your family or just u and hubby to make u happy it can be as simple as a picnic in the bed or something as wild as a Girls gone wild(in your case hubby and wife gone wild) haha
    I don’t know if u have heard of the KISS Method like Spirited was talking about which stands for KISS” Keep it simple stupid”.Sounds silly I know but it really is effective when u get pissed off to keep repeating to your self KISS KISS KISS hahaha

  • Gail

    October 10, 2014

    Ana,
    I couldn’t sleep so I thought I would check the blog.
    I know u are correct and I promise u I am really trying.
    My thing is I always think in advance and my children are very heavy on my mind through this.I only told him to take her back out of love for my family.I know I don’t have to tell you as u went through this ordeal with your own sister and I am certain u know the grief process and have no doubt u 100% know what I am emotionally going through.I don’t know if this sounds positive or not but I am ready for either way as I believe everything is from G.D but I pray he spares me for the sake of my family.Honestly I am in fear my husband can not mentally handle the children and the family.He is not spiritually mature enough yet and I have devoted myself to my children and their futures.I need to see them succeed.I have raised them to be different than others and I am in serious hopes my children will do amazing things and help to change the world.My youngest son has his sights on Harvard.I enrolled him in speech therapy and when we started the therapist tested him on alot of different things.My 9 yr old scored the highest score she has ever given in language development.At first I was like oh that is nice thinking it is a baby test not a big deal and when the therapist seen I was not really taking it to serious she said I know this test seemed like not a big deal but in all honesty it is a very big deal it tested your sons language skills and how much he understands on alot of levels and he scored amazing and in some cases he was off the charts.Honestly she was more shocked than I was.She just could not believe a homeschool child(both of her parents are public school teachers and she is against homeschooling I should mention)That a homeschool child could score off the charts.lol She looked at my son and said to him do u know your test says u are very very smart? My son blurted out I want to go to Harvard like it was his chance to place his bid for Harvard.hahah The speech therapist looked at me and I shrugged and said he want to be a Supreme Court Judge and she looked back at him and said well I have no doubt if u keep on this track u can do it and she looked back at me and said In his case I really mean it.Oh I want to mention one more thing what takes normal children 2 years to learn in speech therapy my son has learned in 1 1/2 months if u can imagine.The speech therapist attributes his very fast improvement do to the fact that we practice daily at home.I am a firm believer that a child who has a devoted mother in their corner pushing them makes all the difference.
    I want to encourage all u mothers out there dealing with Polygamy plus raising kids let me encourage u to not loose focus on your children and their education while u are going through tough times with your marriage.A wife and a mother is the glue that holds the family together and believe me when I say without the glue everything will just fall apart.You have a lifetime to figure out with your husband but u only have a few short years to get it right when it comes to your children.
    Ana all I can say about Jenny,Kim and Fiona is backbiting is the worst.If they had a personal issue with u they should have informed u personally not try to personally attack u or Dear Laila and I am sorry the girls did not see that at the time and I hope and pray they will beg your forgiveness in the future.I hope G.D convicts their hearts to understand backbiting is never a good thing.For the life of me I don’t know why they would get caught up in such nonsense.
    It is strange because I actually thought to check out other blogs thinking that some of the girls would find their way to other blogs but after I read the other blogs I decided to just seek out professional help instead and boy it sure made me see my cup was full instead of empty.

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2014

    @Gail,

    I think you are going way far into the future in telling your husband you’d like him to have another wife (your ex-co), if you have cancer. It could very well be a waste of time and thought in thinking that way. You need to be optimistic now. Insha Allah, stop all the negative talk. Wait until you get the definitive results, and take it from there. You need to go one step at a time – “baby steps” as we’ve spoken of before from “What About Bob”. Keep your spirits high, and don’t expect the worse. Expecting and thinking the worse could yield no good effect.

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2014

    @Gail,

    I dunno! I’m just as shocked as you are. It could be a combination of my belief and my personality that caused them to try to destroy my husband and I. Gail, I’m just me. It’s who I’ve been since day one on this blog. I don’t pretend to be anything else. I’ve got faults and flaws the same as anyone else. I’ve never portrayed only the good side of me. I believe in keeping it real. I haven’t always been the most kind person at times, yet I know I have a kind heart. I don’t try to hurt anyone unless they’ve hurt me or try to. I think the blog has been a success because I do me (let the true me shine through). I make it my intent to tell the truth and keep it real.

    The only reason I can give for them to turn on me is what Allah says in the Holy Quran. We (believers) love them and they (unbelievers) love us not. They will not accept us until we follow their way. What else can I say?

    I will say Jenny was not forthcoming with us about her husband. She led us to believe he was something which he was not. She left out a very, very important fact that changes everything. She had an agenda for being here and it was not good. It’s all I’ve got to say about that, as Forrest Gump said.

  • Gail

    October 9, 2014

    Spirited,
    Hi you I am soooo happy to know u are also here.I loved what u wrote about your mom I really got this mental image of her packing her bags and getting ready for a trip only to be told it has been cancelled.hahaha G.D bless your mother she is a hoot.I have to ask and I am dying laughing as I ask u this but when she got the abnormal mammogram did she think it was black magic.HAHAHHAHAHA OMG I am dying laughing so hard!!!I can just see her eyeballing your dad like yeah MR I got your number.hahaha
    I think your mom does not know how much we love reading about her through your eyes.
    I am happy to know your mother is OK.
    I didn’t really understand to much what is going on with u and your hubby these days.
    Also I am dying to know did your hydrogen peroxide experiment work?
    I swear I should be a poster child for Hydrogen Peroxide I honestly believe u poor that stuff on anything even cancer it would get rid of it.lol

  • Gail

    October 9, 2014

    Ana,
    I have no words to express my shock about Jenny and Kim being involved it is just unbelievable.It is mind blowing for me to be honest.Ana why though I just don’t understand why and for what reasoning.Those very girls were they not the ones wanting to meet up and have a meet and greet as a group here while back? I am heartbroken to know this information.I can not express how much I enjoyed chatting with those two girls.
    And this might sound kind of pathetic but I truly don’t have
    and friends in my everyday life and over the years I have come to love and depend on this blog so much and it is not just about the individuals as much as it is about the unity of all of us belonging to the Polygamy lifestyle in one fashion or the other.
    Ana this blog that u created was a genius idea and more than that I truly with all my heart believe Polygamy is just as acceptable as monogamy and in my mind Polygamy is in the Koran and Bible and anyone who would even try to debate that is telling themselves a lie.Although I no longer live Polygamy I 100 million percent believe in it and even find it a peaceful resolution in some cases.I have already talked with my husband and told him If this comes back Cancer and I do not survive it he must start looking for another wife(although I made it perfectly clear to him I want excowife back)For me Polygamy is such a comfort and peace of mind and I will never be against it.Even I could be narrow minded and say Oh I don’t believe in polygamy and it is wrong because my husband chose me over his first wife but I would never willingly choose to go back and be so narrow and closed minded.My mind is now open and it feels wonderful.I wish I could bottle my experience and my feelings and give it to others to open their eyes and mind as well.
    I don’t know if this was an attack against u because of your religious views or u just Pissed them off personally but I will say this I feel truly sorry for them because they had made good and true friends here.I never seen Jenny as a millionaire or Kim as dirt poor even though I knew both of their status I loved them both the same.Again I am from the bottom of my heart saddened by this news.
    As far as xxxxx the name sounds familiar but I can’t remember anything about her.

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2014

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Nice post!

    It doesn’t rub wives in a good way when they know their husbands are entitled to see any wife they want daily, and have booty calls with them, but it’s the way it is. The best thing to do is not think about it. Eventually she won’t even care what he’s doing LOL It take time to get there.

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Any day above ground is a good day LOL This person I know from business conference calls says it often. I think it’s a cool saying that is so true.

    I think I’d have a fun time with your mom. She’s so funny. You crack me up when you talk about how. You’ve got a cool mom LOL

  • ummof4

    October 9, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ina another suggested schedule in case the other one is too much time away from one family:

    You Sunday, Monday, Tuesday
    Her Wednesday, Thursday, Friday
    You Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday
    Her Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday
    You Sunday, Monday, Tuesday
    Her Wednesday, Thursday, Friday
    You Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday
    Her Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday

    This way the longest time apart is 4 days. This doesn’t mean that the husband has to wait 3 or 4 days to see each wife. He can see both wives each day if he wants to. You can plan a weekend trip or outing for you, your husband and the children once or twice a month. I will make du’ah that your husband decides to have a reasonable schedule once he has two wivees, In shaa’Allah.

  • ummof4

    October 9, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Marie, I understand you feeling angry about your husband going on vacation without your children if he promised to never do it. Now he needs to be released from that promise. As far as him owing just you and your children a vacation, it would be a nice gesture on his part. Since he has a long history with both of his wives and there are children with both wives, it will be next to impossible for you not to know some of what goes on in their house and marriage. Even if your husband doesn’t share information, the children will.

    Ina, did you read what I wrote about your husband’s fiancee and “the boy”? Just wondering what you thought, you don’t have to comment. As far as schedules go, here’s my suggestion.
    You Monday and Tuesday
    Her Wednesday and Thursday
    Friday, Saturday, Sunday will alternate
    or vice versa
    Her Monday and Tuesday
    You Wednesday and Thursday
    Friday, Saturday and Sunday will alternate

    Yes, I did rear my children in polygyny. It is important for children to have a regular schedule, which is why I suggested that each household have the same 2 days in a row each week. Also, with this schedule, you can make long range plans. You will have every other weekend to do special activities or go on weekend vacations. Your husband may not live close enough to see your children every day, but he should skype them every day or at the very least call them so they can hear his voice. Please tell your husband that his children will resent him and not like him if they notice that he is treating his other wife better than he treats their mother. As Ana says, the childrern do not have a schedule.

    A man has a right to see any of his wives anytime he wants. However, the nights belong to the wife who has the turn. My advice is to decide on a time, maybe 8:00 PM to 6:00 AM 20:00 hr to 6:00 hr), that will be the private time. The husband and wife cannot contact each other by any means if it is not the wife’s night. This would be in effect for each wife.(Except for extreme emergencies)

    We must remember that during the day the husband may do as he wishes with whom he wishes. And yes sisters, that may include a daytime booty call with either wife. This only becomes a problem when the wives are constantly competing for the attention of the husband.

    I can testify that the nicer I have been to my husband, and the more accommodating I have been with him and his other wives through the years, the nicer and more accommodating he has been to me. This is the secret that I have found works, let the husband get through his honeymoon phase with his new wife, be extra nice to him the whole time, and when the honeymoon phase is over, he will still adore you.

    So everybody, have a nice day and remember Allah often.

    P.S. Gail, I’m glad you’re back. I am a breast cancer survivor. Now my sister is going through a recent breast cancer diagnosis. One word of advice, I have found that if you can go to a hospital that has a special breast cancer division, the service is usually quicker and better than one that just has a cancer division. Ana can give you my email if you want to talk to me personally. I don’t want to use the blog just to talk about breast cancer.

  • Spirited

    October 9, 2014

    Salaam!

    @Ana, lol yea, my mom is something else I tell you. Sometimes she really throws something out in left field and we’re left standing there with the most confused expressions. I’m sure she didn’t mean it. At least I would hope not. Every day alive is another day for more Salaat, another day to enjoy family/friends…we’ll all likely spend more time in the ground than alive, I don’t think there’s any reason to rush it.

    Sorry for laughing, but I think its so cute that you’re having a little bit of trouble with the phone. I can understand it though, I’ve had my phone for a few years and sometimes it STILL gives me headaches. For pictures, I still like to use a separate camera! The picture quality is just better, it has better features and its much simpler to get the pictures to my computer, lol (even though its just a small little point-and-shoot). :D

    Oh, also, I wanted to add, I do agree with you about Marie’s question, but its not like she went overboard in a rage or got angry unprovoked. She was pointing out a rule that was made for their polygamous marriage, a rule that the husband broke & she was expected to follow. What he should have done was either follow the rule himself, or not even have it in the first place. I like to believe that a Muslim’s word is important, not just something said for the fun of it.

    But like I said above — it was good on Marie to bring it up, and as for the rest (anger, revenge, whatever) let it go and just file the whole thing away. Allah sees all the actions performed, he will mete out what is required if/when the time is right.

    I’m not an expert on anger either, but like you guys have said before — keeping emotions bottled up never helps. Its easier to let it out, deal with it, and move on :) So in that way, I don’t think Marie was wrong. She’s pretty in control and chill. Sometimes I get really angry and upset at things that seem like they’re not important (as you know, Ana, lol) but I’m getting much better at not holding a grudge — still a ways to go though.

    I’m having a nice relaxing day today. I should be working on some assignments, lol I’ll probably get on that after eating. I hope everyone’s day is going well.

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2014

    Gail, I failed to mention, most of the personal information is off the other blog now. Kim got her jollies off writing my real name every chance she got. I guess since she has no husband anymore, it’s what does it for her. I so much now know why her husband divorced her and kept the wife who is from Khasmir. All the time Kim made the girl out to be the crazy when she (Kim) in fact was. You see what she tried to do to me and my family and we are strangers to her. Imagine what she did to the girl who was up close and personal with her. No wonder the girl was committed to the psych ward for a while, if what Kim says is true about it. Now Kim is out there in another State alone without a husband. She better hope she doesn’t find herself jobless, with no money waiting in a soup line for food or eating out a garbage container on the street. What she wished on my husband may become her lot. We’ll see how she like it.

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2014

    Gail,

    I’m very sorry we have confused you about the conversations, regarding the “other blog”. I’ll try to clarify it a bit better for you.

    The blog we speak of is xxxx blog. You know of xxxxx from when she blogged here. I don’t want to mention the name of her blog. Her blog is where the people go who hate me and hate this blog and it’s people.

    The following is what led to the shut down of the blog for a while: It appears “C” was over there off and on TRYING to blog with the little bit of sense she has. Lah, a couple times, let me know she was there. Anyhow, “C” was mixed up in my husband and my personal information getting posted on that blog. I’m unsure exactly how it all went down but she, Jenny and Kim were mixed up in it along with some of the others there.

    As a result, I am unable to talk about my personal life in detail any more on this blog, as my real name (full-name), my husband’s real name (full-name), where he works, where we live, details about my businesses, all my family Facebook information and more is all out there. They asked everyone to contact my husbands job to get him terminated and lose his pension and benefits. It’s how hateful, wicked and evil people are. Of course, nothing came of it, as the ignorant fools don’t know the laws; although they think they do.

    Who knows what friends, family or co-workers will come to this blog to read it now knowing who we are. I can’t have his and my personal business in detail out there for the world to read, knowing we have been made (identified). I am no longer blogging anonymously; although I’m using a fictitious name. I’ve been made. It’s real.

    Nonetheless, when we speak of the other blog, we’re speaking of her blog, (which we don’t name) and what went down between this blog and that one. I’m sure once we get it out of our system, we won’t talk about those people and her blog any longer. It’s just that thing are fresh, and just recently happened and we are still much in shock and disgust by it. Laila was a victim of what went down, as well. Terrible things were written about her in a Post. A post that was written only about her. I hope you understand a bit better now.

  • alison

    October 9, 2014

    Hey guys
    @marie I understand you getting mad and all been there done that and from experience yoi just hurting yourself…stay calm really hard to do I know but try in shaa Allah He will make it easy…one way that made this easy was whenever I got reaaaaaaaly mad I would vent in this blog and the ladies helped alot and guess what I was always looking and feeling hapy and drove co mad since we were not fighting. ..they love it when we unhappy. ..dont give them that satisfaction. ..pray alot get a hobby etc and look less bothered. ..I know it is hard but try it will pay off .anger will eat only you and mess up your time with hubby

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    Marie, I’m not trying to be funny or hurt Lah’s feelings, but after I read from her “daughter”, I too began to think Lah has a personality disorder (multiple personalities) Open mouth I really don’t want to be like those other people who talk crazy about some Stockholm syndrome and crap, but I have to call it what it appears to be…Allah knows best.

    Marie, I think you’re simply dealing with what most go through in polygamous marriages when it comes to holidays. You asked do we think you have a right to be angry that your husband took the other and her kids on a holiday without taking your kids when you take hers when you and he go? I think he was sincere when he said he didn’t tell you as he knew you’d get pissed. He was probably right that you’d get pissed, and when you found out you got pissed off. I let my husband know I’d rather he tell me something and I become hurt and upset by it rather than I find out on my own later, and become hurt and upset by it.

    Did you have a right to be angry? It’s a loaded question. What’s good about it is you’re questioning yourself about your feelings and behavior. You want to get things right with yourself. It’s a good thing. I’ve recently been looking into the whole anger thing myself, so I’m glad you brought it up. You know I could get very angry Swearing Rageand it’s not good for my faith nor health. I’m working on myself about anger issues. I’ve been in situations like what you mentioned and I reacted as you, did – with anger. I think we are wrong to get angry because Allah had decided people do what they do. One day, Insha Allah, before we leave this planet, we’ll accept all things as being Allah’s decision. Could you imagine how peaceful and content we will be in life.

    We have to recognize what Allah says about people, how they are and what they do. He tells us who to deal with and who not to deal with. I think there is a time and place for anger, anger in the cause of Allah. I think some anger is sinful. As I said I’m not versed on the subject yet.

    I don’t think a husband must talk with us about all things they do; although we would like them to. In the case of your husband and his other, it was their holiday on her time. As you stated, it probably was her idea to take only her and his children. She probably wanted it to really be just their family with only her children receiving daddy’s attention. I don’t think there was anything wrong with it. You may want to let it just be you, your husband and your and his children sometimes in the future, as well. I think it’s healthy and good.

    Anger is something we should control. Allah likes when we exercise self-restraint. I don’t know enough about anger to really talk about it. As I’ve stated, I’m just beginning to explore the topic, and will pay more attention to what Allah says about anger in the Holy Quran. I know in one ayah He says we should forgive even when angry. Again, Marie, you asked a very good question.

    I know in the story of Jacob when his sons came back home without his favorite son Joseph, he didn’t get angry. His sons told him their version of what happened to Joseph. Jacob suffered in silent sorrow and said “patience” was more fitting. He was patient, persevered and prayed. After many years, he was reunited with Joseph. Joseph forgave his brothers for their ill treatment of him.

    @Spirited,

    I was laughing when you said your mother seemed disappointed by the doctor’s findings. It’s funny as ??? I shouldn’t say funny as “Hell” cuz Hell is not funny. It’s funny as whatever, though.

    I spent over a good hour the day before last trying to email you a pic from my phone. I must have tried 10 times putting the pic up, writing a message, and it kept coming back with a “sending failed” message. Sigh I tried to troubleshoot the problem, to no avail. Insha Allah, I’ll go online later and see what the company says to do. I really don’t like my Galaxy S4 other than to type on it. My HTC is much better and has a much better camera. Insha Allah, I’ll know next time to use it to take pics. I was so disappointed in the quality of the pics on the Galaxy.

  • Spirited

    October 9, 2014

    Salaam,

    Hey guys! Quick popping back in.

    @Marie, this is just me, but I don’t think you’re wrong to get angry. Its blatantly lying and being two-faced by the husband that creates a lot of problems. He created a rule for vacations and then goes behind your back, breaking the very rule he created, expecting you to be a-ok with it because he can just walk all over you like a doormat. I really hate that.

    If you can be man enough to have more than 1 wife, be man enough to keep your word and do as you say you will. All the game playing, manipulating and obnoxious lying is a real pain and shows how immature and selfish some of these husbands are. It just steams me because lying is a big doorway to sin and as much as Muslims shouldn’t be doing it, they do it as a way of life like its no big deal (especially the men with their “oh but I didn’t want you to be upset” or similar BS).

    Well, what can you do. Point it out and leave it behind I guess. I only say their lies should be pointed out because sometimes they seem to think that if you don’t say anything about it (ignore it for the sake of Allah), then they think “ah ha, look how stupid she is, she didn’t notice!” and honest to God, I’ve noticed that an arrogance takes hold of the person doing the lying/manipulating. Its best to just stop it in its tracks, in my opinion, but don’t expect him to do anything to make up for it. If he does, awesome. If he doesn’t, just file it away.

    This actually reminded me of something I had filed away, which was basically more lies by my husband which didn’t need to be told. I’m not going to bother opening the mental file though, as Allah has seen what went down and I’m sure He will deal with it accordingly

    Well, Marie, that’s what I think of that. I firmly believe in not lying to someone so important like a spouse or parent. People that can’t even manage that are truly pathetic. I hope you don’t let it bother you too much though, and not let it ruin your memories of vacation with your kids :) Talk to you later!

  • Spirited

    October 9, 2014

    Salaam everyone!

    How have you guys been?

    @Gail, hey! I’m glad you were able to find your way back! Like everyone else, I missed you much! Sorry to hear about your worries, but, God willing, you’ll be ok, hang in there! My mom had a recent scare about “something” in one breast and she was saying goodbye to everyone and how its her time but it came back as benign as well (she almost seemed disappointed, if you can believe that )

    I hear you about docs taking forever to figure out what is going on with someone and leaving the person in a worried mess, but they’re pretty much impotent these days because they’re afraid of being sued. So, they’ll say enough to get a person worried, but not anything to ease your mind (confirm or deny) and leave you in a state of “is it, or isn’t it?” unless they have done every single test in the book. It makes you wonder what the point of a doctor even IS these days — essentially, they’re just glorified megaphones. All the REAL diagnostic work is done by the folk who run the blood tests, biopsies, tissue samples, etc., and the researchers working on new medications/cures, oh and surgeons. The only thing a doctor seems to do is read the results and write a prescription since they’re just too afraid to do anything else. Policies…what can ya do.

    Its also great to hear that you and your husband are doing good :D

    @Laildea, thanks for checking in from your vacation! I hope you remain safe and in good health for the duration. I’m happy things are moving along for you in your personal life! I kind of feel like I’m still in limbo myself (about starting a family), lol. Have you had a chance to look at the situation I asked you about before? I’m thinking no, since you’ve been so busy, but give it a look when you can, or maybe I should post about it here? Gail would probably be able to give a nice opinion, seeing as how she’s our resident Pakistani-society expert ;)

    @Mari2, right on! That’s an awesome view of how this blog actually has helped you and I’m sure how it helps other people as well. It is really a blessing, especially when there’s more places on the ‘net to drive someone astray than to help. Even the Islamic Question/Answer places often have a “feel” to them that annoys a reader instead of helping the reader. I don’t know quite how to explain it. Its a sort of detachment and cold feeling to the answers to people’s dire questions, instead of being warm and comforting — like you get here.

    @Ana, that’s exaaaaactly my point with my husband’s 2nd-so-called-wife and her getting her butt up in my things. There’s no reason for people to go snooping around where they don’t need to be, but they do it anyway because they’ve got nothing going on in their own life, or maybe we’re just so important for them that they can’t help but meddle ;) Too bad these kinds of people don’t just follow the KISS principle (Keep It Simple, Stupid). Don’t like something? Don’t read it/go there. Simple.

    Anywho, talk to you guys later! Glad to see that pretty much the entire gang is back together!

  • Gail

    October 9, 2014

    Ana and Laildea,
    I wish I knew what you ladies are speaking of when u talk about this other blog not sure what that is all about.
    Ana I read that u entertain Lah for me and I wanted to tell u thank you very much for doing that and also tell Laila to please not take personal that I like chatting with Lah.
    Laila I think u r such an amazing person and u deserve every bit of happiness life can offer.I personally feel u are a very strong woman that has a beautiful heart and has been more than gracious when it comes to your cowife and her children.I pray when the time is right for u that u get your wish of having children.I hope your trip to Turkey is alot of fun for u.
    I wanted to explain about Lah and why I like her so much.Me being married to a Pakistani man and engrossed in the Pakistani culture the way I am it is kinda rare and other than my family woman I don’t have another pakistani woman to chat with.When it comes to my daily family life we just don’t live the normal American lifestyle or have the same compass if u will like other Americans and what I mean by this is Pakistani culture as u well know is vastly different like arrange marriages and pushing the children extremely hard for education,joint family issues.I really need another Pakistani woman to chat with about issues and run things by her and say hey my inlaws r acting like this or doing that is this normal.To live and be part of a different culture than your own is so mentally hard.Lah helped me to understand some things last time.I will say this Pakistani people are so direct in their speaking style and what I mean by that is whatever is in their brain at that time they just say it they do not understand the concept of filtering their words AT ALL and people take them wrong and here is the funny part they r clueless as to why other people are finding them rude when it seems so obvious to everyone else.It all has to do with ones perception it seems.I can not tell u how many times my husband says things to me I find offensive like he is making fun of me and when i get angry
    he says why u take personal like I am over emotional.The directness of not having a filter is mind blowing at times.I have had family members flat out tell me they do not like my hair cut or that I am to fat loose weight or I am going to die to my father inlaw saying to me my eldest son does not like me(no filter)before I use to shriek at their mouth but when my father inlaw told me that I did not say it but I thought yeah well join the club he don’t like u either old man.LOL but i have a filter so I did not say it.hahah
    Also I get this feeling Lah is a good person by heart and was hurt so deeply by her husband when he took another wife.I feel Lah may have seen what he did as an act of betrayal towards her and and also maybe her children as I think alot of woman do.I feel so sad for woman that are mentally stuck in that feeling because I really do believe men and woman are just designed so very different.I think woman take so personal against their husbands and just can not grasp why they would do such a thing.I have to run will try to finish this thought later.

  • Marie

    October 9, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All

    Yes, I had my suspicions about fiction, she seems to know an awful lot about Ina and had a strong opinion on her situation. And the rambling style of writing. It’s interesting that she’s the only one who got an evil looking avatar. Yes, successful the little girl, whos putting mommy’s shoes. I could tell by her advice that she’s never been in an adult, serious relationship. Relationships aren’t about throwing tantrums and getting your own way, and if all else fails threaten to leave oh please.

    @laildea, I see what your husband saying about the rest, I bet he just sits in silence for a while, I can see him now, Ahhhh the blessing of silence lol. I can also see why he didn’t tell the other wife, but if she finds out,like women do, it’s not going to be pretty. I recently went to the seaside, hubs told ‘other’ that he was driving down to pick me up (I went while he was with her) I didn’t like it that he told her my business, his excuse was that he would tell me if he was travelling out of the city. I said Ok fine. Then I find out that he did leave the city to take them (other and their kids) on holiday, BUT didn’t tell me, I was livid. His excuse, he didn’t want to piss me off, well I have news for him, not telling me something to not piss me off, is a great way to piss me off. Now, that begs the question why would I be upset about them going on holiday. Ever since ever, hubz refuses to go on any outing unless ALL of the kids go, he’s always been stern in that matter. I went on holiday on my own with the kids, where as he went as a family ( with other and their kids) he didn’t tell me because he wasn’t taking our kids. And I know it’s because that’s what she wanted. So yeah I was angry as a mofo. Anyway that has nothing to do with your situation, I’m just venting. Do you think I had a right to be angry?

    @Ana, I was thinking the same thing about lah, I beginning to think she has multiple personalities. it’s quite strange yo have 3 members of the same family on the same blog- a blog about polygany, where none of them agree with it

    Yes, I did read and blog with the cake people, I shouldn’t have stooped to their level. By being nice and then going HAM on their ass. I was frustrated that the blog closed and couldn’t sit back and let them bad mouth, my friends, religion and way of life. Alhamdulilah, a very nice sister, reminded me of an important ayat. I love her

    Ina, I did want to mention to try not to get angry with your husband ( I know easier said than done) iv been enlightened with some information and when women get angry men tend to agree and lie to us to avoid any further outburst of adding fuel to a fire. There is a good example of it on this blog. If you notice one I’d the brothers on the blog ( he’s gone hajj now) had and is lying to his wife, some of the sisters responded to him in a calm, non angry way. I however didn’t, I displayed my dis approval to him. Everyone got a reply and a thank you from him, where as he completely ignored me ( the angry woman). And I bet when maidlover returns he will ignore me also. My husband said I was too harsh to them, but I say the truth is the truth, not everyone likes to hear it .

    Any who chat later, alligator

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2014

    Laildea,

    Everything seems to be falling into place for you. Flashing Yeah What a relief it will be for you to have some time off to relax and spend some good, quality time with your husband. It’s way nice your husband is supportive of you in that he encouraged you to take it easy for a while, and have some time for yourself. From all you’ve said, you have worked very, very hard for a good long while. A government job is good. The benefits are good, as your dad said. Make duah to Allah that He will give you the job, if it is good for you. You are praying to Allah to bless you with a child, right? Good!

    I know your husband is going to miss you much. I don’t fault him for not telling your co that you are away. I’m sure she’d only become suspicious that he funded the trip. Why put himself through the aggravation unnecessarily? I’m happy every thing is working out well for you, Sis Hope to hear from you soon.

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2014

    Ina,

    No, I didn’t use any special detective skills to figure out “Fiction” was “Successful” who arrived here from the other blog LOL I was on the lookout for people who may defect from the other blog or would come here incognito. As soon as she got here and she began to write to you, I got a sixth sense she was from the other place. Her “Hie”, which was unusual to me stuck out. I went to the other blog and her “Hie” was there and she had the same writing style as “Fiction.” “Fiction” is a strange alias to have, as well. There was another indicator that I won’t speak of.

    I can’t understand why they wanted to get their hands on you and bring you into their fold. You gave no indication that you was considering leaving Islam. What made them want to get their hands on you? The only thing they’d do is try to get you to leave your husband, or stay with him and become a whore – get yourself a boyfriend to spite your husband. There was certainly no good in it for you.

    It’s very sad that quite a few Muslims were going to that site telling their stories, asking for help, and thanking her. I could only surmise they didn’t check out what the blog was about or they were in such desperate need of help that they’d reach out to anyone.

    I think the people on the other blog are extremely unhappy with their lives. The women who were married to Muslim men, (Kim and the administrator for instance) felt they got a raw deal in their marriages. They are extremely angry and full of hatred. They lash out and take their frustration out on those here who want to accept a polygamous lifestyle, and are doing it with the help and permission of Allah. We gain strength from supporting one another in the cause of Allah in obedience to Him and He relieves our suffering.

    I’m very happy Allah gave us the blog back, so we could all be together again. Undoubtedly it was all Allah’s doing, as my intent was to not re-open the blog. Suddenly, I said okay, I’ll re-open it on New Years. Lo and behold, I got the blog together and re-opened it way sooner than it, as you could see.

    I question Lah’s motive for being here, as well. She posted previously under Lah, then a Rafat was here, then the “polygamous father” was here, now the daughter supposedly is posting in Lah’s place until Lah could get here. Clearly Lah is anti-Polygamy, and her children follow her lead. I doubt there is anything we could do to benefit her. I entertain her being here only because she is blogging civilly and Gail benefits from speaking with her or perhaps they with each other.

    @Laildea,

    I’m so happy you checked in. I’m sure the mosques were awesome. I have a large size book about Muslims around the world and it’s all photography of mosques and things associated with Muslims. For instance, they have a photograph of the dancing devish from Sudan; I think it was. They showed photos of mosques in Turkey that were absolutely beautiful. You get to see some firsthand, which must truly be a blessing. You sound so excited. I’m truly happy and excited about it for you. Insha Allah, continue to enjoy and keep us posted from time to time when you can.

  • Laildea

    October 9, 2014

    Dear Gail, Ana and the rest of the gang. I just resigned from my job. They were promoting me to be the Head of the English Department for Senior school and as of recent Ive been spending a lot of time at work, my Masters and then when I am home, I am dead. I do my role and duties as a wife, but I must admit, it was tough. So when I applied for leave for my Turkey trip, and when the school made a huge fuss about me leaving, and the fact that they want to promote me and increase my hours and responsibility made hubbs…. PISSED. Then theres also this guy at work that is sort of into me. Hey girls I am not in an affair. Hes single and two years younger. Hes shown so much interest that once when hubbs joined me and my work mates he I guess saw the interest. So, long story short. He made me resign to focus on our marriage and get my Masters completed as there are only two semesters left. While the time, he said that we should seriously think about getting a child, asap.

    During this time too my dad has been pushing me to think about getting a job in the Government sector. He feels that the benefits are better and its ideal to start a family and have a job. I come from a family where they dislike us children being idle. So I applied and government jobs take time. So I have two months in all to be a full time stay at home wife. I am working hard to get that job. So, this is my story. I am in Turkey now on a holiday.

    Ana, hubbs agreed and said you are spot on! He wants a break and recuperate at our home during my absence. He also does not want to tell co as he told me that she will surely give him a hard time and ask about how much money hes given me etc etc etc. In short, its a good break for the both of us! ;)

  • Laildea

    October 9, 2014

    Ina, im in a bus reading your issue. Please why in the world is he allowing her point of view to be taken so seriously?!….. when we first had a schedule, hubby alternated everyday including weekends. Then he admitted and said he was tired and it was not effective. Yes, initially I did fight like a mean dog when she called hubbs on my day at night. Why? Because she would call and talk for hours on such trivial issues. Till one day, I opened my house door and told hubby while she was on the phone that since its important I suggest he leaves to see her. She thought I would dig my own grave, guess what, he went in a huff screwed her up and after that never ever repeated his mistake. Look, I am okay for calls, but don’t try and play games. I am sharp and I know when shes just using my time to talk crap.

    Ina, I seriously think you allow your husband to rule supreme. Im sorry but these are my thoughts. Yes a husband in Islam is the main guy or the leader. But he must also consult all wives and come up with a workable plan. In a polygamous marriage, there is so much of compromises and its done by EVERYONE! Trips to the park is great, but it’s got to be at a time where its suitable for ALL.i am saying this because I gave in so much because of his kids. Now…. I am reaping the fruits of my patience so per say. I throw fits when hes supposed to be back on Eid and not on time?!… Then he had it!

    Dear Gail, I am starting baby plans next year.a lot of changes has taken in my life right now… a lot. Be strong woman.

    Dear Ana, I went to two mosques today. Oh my goodness, it was a beautiful experience. Very serene and just peaceful. Made my faith even double in Allah s.w.t.

  • Ina

    October 9, 2014

    @ Gail, I am sorry to hear about your health scare. I hope the biopsy will be ok for you. My father survived cancer 15 years ago. He was clear for 14 years and then it came back again last year. The doctors gave him the option not to go through the treatment because of his age (69yrs). Some people decide not to get treatment and wait and see if the cancer spreads. My father decided to get treated and alhamdulilah he is ok for now. The treatment seemed not to have affected his health as much as the first time round…maybe due to the improvements in cancer treatment over the years. I think if I was in his position, I would have opted not to take the treatment, knowing what you have to put your body through.

  • Ina

    October 9, 2014

    @ Ana, I did read the other blog when 411 was down and was surprised to see similar discussions. I mean there is post all about Laila. Why the heck do they talk some much about islam when clearly the writer is not even muslim? What I thought was even stranger was so called Muslims saying how knowledgeable she was about the religion. She was dissing the religion and they were agreeing with her. I did read marie’s and a few other 411 supporters but like one of the commentators said, the 2 blogs are for different sets of people. Loved your pie and cake comparison.

    Told hubby that site was bad and was not a good influence for me. Luckily, the dissing of the religion really put me off especially the one about how women are regarded. It was just nonsense. Even the pictures she had on site put me off. Its funny how she had to take a break around the same time that 411 reopened. I am very glad and thankful that you are back.

    How did you know that fiction was successful on the other blog? You don’t have answer if it means revealing some of your detective secrets.

  • Gail

    October 9, 2014

    Fatima,
    Nice to here from u Fatima.I am very happy to see u are here as well.I had wondered many times if your brother inlaw was still with u guys.I am happy to hear he has his own apt now.I am also sure he find USA working much harder than India.I assume he has not had luck in finding a wife yet?
    I can’t believe my mammogram results I am still in shock I guess.Mari2 sure made me feel better with her post about her experience.
    I am off to bed I am exhausted and have a dental apt to get my teeth cleaned in the morning.

  • Gail

    October 8, 2014

    Mari2,
    Thank you so much for sharing your personal story with me.I really needed to hear something positive because I am not even going to lie I am really scared.I did not know they would place markers in my boobs so I am thankful u gave me a heads up on that.I am so thankful for any information anyone can share with me at this point.My Biopsy is scheduled for Monday.

    Ana,
    Thank You for the encouraging words I am really hoping everything will turn out normal.I am so sorry to mention C I had no idea she was acting up that much towards u and Alex.

    Lah’s Daughter,
    Please let your mom know I am back with the blog.I am so happy and excited for your family to move to USA.What state will u be moving to?
    I have thought about Lah alot when the blog was down and really wanted to let her know that I am thinking about her and she has been in my thoughts.
    Thank you for your kind thoughts towards my health.

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2014

    Please note: I mean no disrespect to the people who went to the other blog from this blog when this blog was closed. Some of the people from here went there not knowing what the blog was all about or tried to intervene in an effort to halt the wrong (slander and mischief) that was taking place there with regard to those of us here, including me.

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2014

    Mari2,

    Thank you for sharing your views and how you think and feel. I recall vaguely we disagreed on something, but didn’t remember it until you mentioned it. There are others who I clearly remember the difference, but we do need to agree to disagree. As long as we all are on the same page to a degree, it’s all good.

    Everyone, I’m not going to play games here.

    Ina,

    “Fiction” is the person who goes by the screen name of “Successful” from the other blog with the people who set out to harm some of us here at polygamy 411

    “Hie”, fiction

    Ina, there was talk on that blog about you. They were trying to figure out a way that they could get you to come to their blog. I don’t know why they’d think a Muslim woman who has pride in herself and self-respect would want to go to such a place sigh

    If you notice, Fiction only speaks with Ina.

    Anyhow, Ina, and everyone else, now you know who “Fiction” is and where she came from.

  • Mari2

    October 8, 2014

    @Ana,
    I agree that this blog does require an open mind, but then again so does being in a polygamous relationship. Sometimes that relationship can be the mitigating force which opens the mind, albeit in my case- slowly. I will say for the record that my mind was kinda all over the place at the beginning of this journey. In my reality there are very few who can understand. Even other muslimahs have firm views one way or the other. But this marriage, my experiences, my ups and downs, learning from others, becoming stronger in faith, etc have all been an integral part of my mind-opening process. Being a participant here has helped greatly. You and I have not always seen eye-to-eye. I believe we hashed out something with regards to divorce some years back. But we all grow and change (me:) And yes I agree…to each their own.

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2014

    For someone to get anything out of this blog they have to come here with a mind that is open to a polygamous lifestyle. They may not like the idea of polygamy and not want to live it, but something inside them or their belief in Allah makes them incline to learning more about the lifestyle and they incline to want to accept polygamy. Such a person has a chance at having a peaceful married life that is tranquil, which is what a marriage should be. Allah created man and woman to live together in peace and tranquility. It’s achievable. People come to this blog, stay and chat, as they believe in what we speak of here and they want to be here. They like the encouragement and support.

    We don’t allow people here that are oppose to polygamy, as it does absolutely NOTHING for the person who wants to be here, but hinder the person’s progress in moving forward. I don’t know why a person would come to a forum to turn a person away from what they want to believe or are here trying to accept, unless, of course, they are unsure about their own way of thinking. They have doubt in themselves.

    It’s fine and good for someone to reject polygamy and think it’s not a part of Islam that anyone has to accept. There are blogs for those people to go and chat with like minded people. It’s not for the person to come here to this blog and think they will attempt to rescue a person from being “brainwashed” or whatever they say is going on with those of us here. People click in here and stay not because they are held hostage. They do so because they believe in what we speak of.

    It’s weird how people know what a forum is about and they come to it with their own agenda, which does not coincide with what the blog is about. If there is a blog out there for gay people and I don’t like gay people, and don’t believe as they believe, I don’t go there. Plain and simple – I DON’T GO THERE. They are entitled to their belief and way of life. I leave them alone. It’s not for me to run my butt up into their forum, and try to tell them how wrong they are and why. It’s exactly how I feel about our blog here. It’s not for those who are anti-polygamy or don’t believe in what we say here to come here and call us out on it. They don’t have that right.

    If one does not agree with what we say here and don’t like what we say, then what are you doing here??? No one needs rescuing here. No one needs to be saved. We are here because we want to be. No one is suffering from some type of made up ailment people want to philosophize about. Leave people alone and let them be. Let them do them and you do you. It’s friggin simple.

  • Mari2

    October 8, 2014

    @Gail,
    I went through the same breast issue in July and I absolutely understand the emotional toll such news takes. It scared me so badly! I had all sorts of things taking shape in there…crystalizations, papillomas, cysts, etc. I had suspicious areas in both breasts and had a biopsy on each breast. One place on the left was biopsied, and in two places on the right breast. Mashallah, all suspicious areas were found to be benign and consistent with fibrocystic breast changes (aka I’m getting old). What kind of biopsy are you going to get done? I had something called stereo static (something like that) and it was not bad, but it wasn’t something I would choose again. Basically you are fully awake and your boob is hanging thru a hole in a table and the surgeon is putting a device into boob and removing little chunks of tissue. You have to remain super still. It’s not painful too much, but awkward. And later your boob feels like it was run over by a truck. Whatever type of biopsy you get, the surgeon will leave a small metal marker in your breasts to indicate where he removed tissue. So right after, you will need to have new mammogram films taken to film your breasts with the markers in place as your new baseline films. THIS REALLY IS the hardest part pain-wise. I now will have mammograms done every 6 months for the next 2 years. No changes, then I can resume my once a year schedule. I will pray that your results are good.

  • Lah

    October 8, 2014

    Also, we are in the process of moving to US. My uncle lives there. I am going to study there

  • Lah

    October 8, 2014

    Hello all, I am Lah’s daughter. We are doing great. My mom is away visiting relatives. I don’t agree with all thats said on this blog but just wanted to tell that we are doing fine. My mom will be happy to see that Gail is back.
    Gail, I am sad to hear about the health issues. Hope you feel better soon.

    Ina, How about alternate weekend arrangements.
    Wife 1: Mon-Tue
    Wife 2: Wed-Thurs
    Wife 1: Fri-Sunday
    Wife 2: Mon-Tues
    Wife 1: Wed-Thurs
    Wife 2: Fri-Sunday

    This way you and kids can plan every other weekend with their dad. Wife 2 can do her homework, assignments on that weekend. I am sure there will be a lot of homework in the first 2 years of Ph D and afterwards she will have her research experiments and dissertation writing etc going on. This will be great for both of you. Good Luck!

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2014

    Anisa umm Imran,

    The “Leaving on a Jet Plane” is the song they use on all the Carnival Cruise ships the last night of the cruise in the dining room. They substitute the “Leaving on the Fun Ship” in place of “Jet Plane” and changed all the words to make it about the cruise. It’s such a good song. All the staff sings it and does their little waving good bye thing. It’s way sad as the cruise is over and everyone got to meet some very nice people and had a fantastic time. It made me think of it when you mentioned the “Leaving on a Jet Plane.” I really wish I knew the lyric. There are videos of it from some of the ships, but it doesn’t do justice to being there and experiencing it at the end of a cruise. Just thought I’d share that little tidbit of information with you.

    @Everyone

    I rented a movie from Redbox to watch. It’s about polygamy. The name is “Outlaw Prophet Warren Jeffs”. It should be interesting.

  • Marie

    October 8, 2014

    Ina, Asalaamu Alaykum,

    Just giving my advice about the schedule, I agree with all of what Ana said. And here’s what we did. My husband asked both of our thoughts on the schedule, I told him, set the schedule, if it’s fair I’ll agree if not I won’t. As far as I know she said the same thing. We had already agreed earlier that the kids would not be on a schedule, and he would try to visit everyday to see the baby (to keep the bond with him) so far so good, he visits almost everyday. Anyway, my husband suggested 3 nights each, if he had to go away he picks up where he left off. That’s it. We all agreed no big problems so far, Alhamdulilah

    My husband was and is the same as yours, as long as he feels he’s being fair, he’s happy. I know it’s difficult at this stage, where everyone’s trying to get there own way. Your husband needs to take charge. We will only get what Allah has willed to give us. We need to be happy and content with it.

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2014

    @Fatima,

    Your post made me laugh. It is wonderful your brother-in-law is forced into a physical fitness routine LOL.

    I’m really happy Gail is back with us, as well. It just didn’t seem the same without her. I figured eventually she’d get around to checking to see if the blog is up. Alhumdulliah.

    @Gail,

    I’m happy to hear your marriage is stronger than ever and you and your husband are closer than ever. I could understand he is deeply concerned about you. For what it’s worth (not much), I’ve got good feelings about your health situation. I’m no psychic or such, but I’ve got some good feelings that everything is going to be okay for you.

    Please make sure you check your email for the mail I sent you.

    Lah doesn’t have a valid email, so I couldn’t get an email through to her. Insha Allah, she’ll check back in here sooner or later.

    @Ina,

    I agree with Fiction that your husband needs to consult with you about matters. He shouldn’t consult with her and then bring the decision to you. All three of you need to confer about it before a final decision is made. Of course, Allah decides all thing. Your husband could only make his intention.

    The best thing I could say is don’t get so wrapped up in your husband that you lose sight of what is important – Allah. As long as you constantly think about your husband and the girl, you cannot remember Allah. When you don’t remember Allah, Allah does not remember you.

    When you think of your husband and the girl, you are guaranteed to have heartache and pain. Life is not about him and the girl. It’s not even about you. It’s about Allah. It’s not easy to get to the point of staying focus, but you must make an effort, and ask Allah to help you and let you do it. Otherwise, you will suffer badly. It’s a guarantee.

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2014

    Gail,

    “C” is totally history. There is no more “C”. She doesn’t exist any longer as far as I’m concerned. We don’t talk about those characters on the blog any longer.She went to the other blog and flat out lied, which is her forte. She excels at it. She lied and said she knew my neighbors and they told her this, that and the other about me. First, she and I are not of the same socioeconomic status. She would NOT know anyone who lives in the area I live to be able to talk to them about me. I don’t even know my neighbors other than to cordially speak to a lady and her daughter in passing. She has no reason to be in the area in which I live. She lives in a flood zone in a lower class neighborhood. She does not travel in the circles that I do. Everything she said was a bunch of twisted, fabricated lies. She’s so foolish and ignorant she put my name out there to spite me. The only thing it did was make people go to work to find my husband and my information to post it. I had mentioned before that they put my mother-in-law’s obituary out on the blog. Only a fool would not think things through to know the can of worms that could be open in doing what she did. But, it’s how it goes when one has a burger flipping mentality – flipping burgers for the last 20 some years at the burger joint. As my mother-in-law said, “If you have a (XXXX – name of the burger joint) mind, you work at XXXX. One of the commentators read one of the posts that “C” made in which she contradictions herself. She’s a straight up liar and couldn’t get one post right without telling on herself (that she’s a liar).

    Anyhow, my husband and I are good. It’s just him and I. Insha Allah, I’ll write a book one day and finish the story of the characters whom I began to write about. As Forrest Gump said, “It’s all I’ve got to say about that.”

    One thing about all the information that got out there, everyone got to realize I’m a woman of my word. Everything I said I was, I am and do, was revealed for the world to know, I’m an honest, straight forward person. I make it appoint to tell the Truth.

    Anyhow, I reported the blog to WordPress (for a second time). I suppose they removed most of the material about my husband and I that was on there. So, it’s all good.

    Gail, I knew you’d think I’m crazy about what I said about the mammograms LOL It’s okay. I’ll be crazy for you

  • Gail

    October 8, 2014

    Ana,
    I forgot to mention Lah.I have thought about her so often and felt a connection to her.I so much want to know how her life is going and if she got her divorce.If somehow u can contact her and let her know I am back that would be great and if not I hope she pops back in.
    I am also curious about miss Laila and how her life is going with her hubby these days.I hope all is going well for her and if she is still trying to get pregnant.

  • Gail

    October 8, 2014

    Marie,
    I really missed everyone here also sooooo much.On my side I got closer with my husband which I sooo much needed.I finally feel our marriage is back on track and believe me that is so wonderful for me to feel this way after years of depression and stress from the polygamy.How is your husband treating u these days I hope all is going well with u.I understanding being snappy Lord knows I am one snappy heffer at times.

  • ~Fatima~

    October 8, 2014

    GAIL
    Im happy your here!
    Sorry to hear about the mammogram.. Hope everything works out for you.. Your councelor sounds like a nice one.. went to counceling once when I first found out Habeeb had married his cousin.. I didnt like my councelor at all.. lol.. she made me feel like I was very stupid for staying in my marriage.. Guess she was against polygamy.. BuT , Im doing ok myself.. working alot these days.. Brotherinlaw still here..BUT the good news is hes got his own little apartment across from one of our stores and he goes and walks there Every day.. 7 days a,week .. from 10 am till 9… got his BIG A$$ WORKING..
    He had a six month visa and extended it for another 6 months..which will be in April…but I dont have to deal with his chewing tabbaco all over the floor or his strong cooking smells.. killing chickens in the back yard.. or water on the floor…ugh
    Its all over his apt now..haha
    Even my husband does not go over there much except to take him to the store or check on him..He wanted his brother to work himself and support his own family instead of asking for his help all the time..
    I swear he is wore out.. but now he sees how hard it is to make a living here..
    Well gotta get back and do some paperwork.. Welcome back!#

  • Gail

    October 8, 2014

    Ina,
    NO NO NO is all I can say when I read your post.
    It comes across he may be trying to manipulate the situation and u r going to go crazy my dear.My advice is listen to Ana on this one and do the rotating schedule and if hubby don’t like it he can lump it.Put your foot down now or suffer the outcome is my advice.

  • Gail

    October 8, 2014

    Ana,
    Thank u for your kind words and yes I remember your dear sister very well.I am working on the ice cream truck now days and dealing the kids I am just trying to keep my mind off of it.I truly hope it turns out to not be cancer but one thing for sure I know it is not a cyst which sucks because i thought at first it was because I had ovarian cyst in the past but my bad luck I guess. I honestly can not feel the nodules and had I done a breast exam I would not have caught even caught it.
    Obviously u know I will think u r CRAZY not to get the mammogram but in all honesty u have seen what breast cancer does to a person and I have not yet as I have not been around anyone with cancer much less breast cancer and fighting for their life.My husband is taking it really very hard and is emotionally a basket case although he is trying to be brave.It hurts me to see him struggling knowing I can’t do anything to give his mind ease as this is all new to us.We have decided if the diagnoses comes back bad then we will take matters into r own hands and go to Pakistan for treatment so he and the children will have the emotional support of his family.As of today I am trying to put this in the vault and not think on it so much until next week.
    How is C doing is she behaving herself these days?
    My husbands grandfather has been asking around to see if he is going to go to his brothers marriage.Seems excowife wants to cause problems with hubby.Those people r something else.

  • Fiction

    October 8, 2014

    @ lna!

    The problem with you is your husband is making all the rules with her and her consideration then imposing them on you, its not her allowance that matters and hurts instead his attempts to please her at your cost!!

    If he thinks he is fair then remind him that till date he hasn,t returned you the money you have invested for some property in Malaysia is this fair? he agreed to wait three years but then committed Zina and has lied to you multiple times so you don’t trust him and you have every reason to behave so, that’s why you feel seeking third person’s guidance would help…

    Also if he wants to live polygamy then you are up for it but if he doesn’t you cannot force him, you don’t want a divorce but if he wants you have no problem in giving, its not that you cannot live without him but for children you are ready to live polygamy but if children also have to suffer then what makes it worth all?

    Going to park is more important than spending time with children, really? children would also begin to resent him…

    If your crying doesn’t works on him then don’t give a damn about what is he doing? If he tells anything just say you don’t trust him and he is free to do whatever he can to please his new wife? If his presence makes you miserable then you would be more happy in his absence… you want him for children so if he feels he has duty towards them and you he would show till then you don’t want to discuss anything because it takes you nowhere..

    Just live your life unaffected by his words and actions and let him know it also that he might lose you too!!

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2014

    @Gail,

    It’s what I was trying to say in a previous post when I mentioned titles. People only like to listen to people who have a title. They need the Dr. so and so or sheik or Imam etc to go along with the name before they will listen. A person with a title could say the same thing to a person as a lay person (person without the title) and it doesn’t have the same effect. An ordinary Joe Blow may say the same thing, but it carries no weight with some people unless the title is there.

    One woman who disliked me very much, and years ago was constantly harassing me by post and emails said, So, what, you’re giving fatwas now, Ana? A fatwa is a ruling on Islam or something to the effect. To myself, I said, yeah if you want to call it that. I only relate what’s in the Quran.

    Dear Gail, I’m so sad to hear what you are facing. It could very well be nothing more than a benign cyst or tumor. It could very well be nothing to worry about. You will soon know and I’m hoping it will be good news for you. I know how you feel though. You know about my sister,so you know I have a frame of reference. For a while, at a certain time, I began to get paranoid that it would happen to me and my life got crazy for a moment (short time). Then I said, to Hell with it, what will be will be and I’m just going to go with it. I don’t get mammograms and I don’t recommend anyone follow my lead. It’s just a personal way I’m going. I don’t believe in all that chemo, radiation and stuff. It’s just me and how I think for me. Allah knows best. If I’m going to go out, I’ll go out with my cancer. I don’t mean to sound morbid. I want to speak honestly with you. Anyhow, it’s all a what if, which is meaningless and could be a sin. Allah knows best what I would do. Nonetheless, try to have an optimistic view and keep your spirits high. You’re going to be okay because you’re a strong person and a survivor. It’s all good! I’m here for you…

  • Ina

    October 8, 2014

    @Ana, If she was working mon-fri and only have the weekends free to have fun then I would agree to splitting the weekends fairly. She is doing a PhD, normally there is no fix schedule. Plus the course does not start until jan15. Hubby does not work mon-fri either. Kids only have the weekends. I hate going out at weekends with the kids because it’s busy everywhere but I don’t have a choice. She does.

    I cannot imagine hubby making the effort to see kids on her days…she would not allow it for a start. The journey between us and her is about 90mins so hubby is not going waste 3hrs driving. They even talked about a fix check out time so he has to leave at 11am for example to go from house to the other. If I want him to stay longer to see kids then it means he will check out from her home later. He can’t leave earlier to see the kids.

    One day she will have kids and if she throws this argument at me, I will probably strangle her.

  • alison

    October 8, 2014

    Hi ina sorry I know it sucks we tried that two days each it didn’t work since ww would miss weekends..we live near each other so we do a night each its hectic on hubby but guess its a price he jas to pay. It works since he sees his kids daily and we get each one day of the weekend…but just tell him gently what the weekends mean to the kids they listen when we calm tears dont help at all..they just shut off and it drives you even madder try and calm and have rational conversation it will help…

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    I just skimmed the comments for approval, but Insha Allah will be back soon.

    Ina, here’s my take on the weekends; I think you both should get weekends. I understand you wanting them for your children and I understand the girl wanting it for whatever reason. Weekends are good, unless one has to work them.

    One way to rectify the problem is to do the three day alternation and the weekends will automatically change as you live the schedule. It ends up being fair and just as you would notice the schedule will simply fall where you each keep getting the same number of days, nights and weekends. It a no brainer. You don’t have to think on it.

    You can even plan ahead, knowing when your weekend will be and schedule fun time and events with the children. She could plan ahead and schedule events and fun time with her husband.

    Polygamy is a give and take by all and each has to make sacrifices. It’s just my thoughts on the schedule. The father could see the children anytime. He doesn’t have to follow a schedule when it comes to seeing the children. There could be times he will see you more, if he’s seeing the children when it’s not your time. She has no children right now, so you could possibly have that advantage over her for the time being.

  • Ina

    October 8, 2014

    I need some advice about the schedule. I felt it was important that hubby is around at the weekends so he can spend more time with the kids. After hubby has discussed with future cowife, she also wants the weekends because she wants to go to the park. It doesn’t matter that they can go to the park any time during the week, its more special at the weekends.

    @ummof4, you raised your children in polygamous marriages, how did you split the weekends? I want to do what’s best for the children. I even consider letting her have 4 days so I can have 3 days at the weekends. Do the kids have no say in the schedule? Anyone got any good advice?

    I was crying and screaming at hubby when he showed me his proposed schedule. He made fun of my crying and said it doesn’t work on him (I know it doesn’t work from past experience). I know I should have voiced my disagreement calmly but just felt so frustrated with everything. I said to him 2 days ago, let us have the 1st Saturday after he comes back from being away for 3.5 weeks. Instead his schedule is he will be with us on Thu and fri and then go to his new bride on Sat and Sun. I asked that we ask someone to help settle disagreements but hubby is not so keen. He has the attitude that where there is conflict, he will be split it and it could mean that no-one is happy but as long as he thinks he is fair it’s ok.

  • ummof4

    October 8, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, I don’t know if you received my last post. My avatar is okay with me, I try to speak no evil.

    Ina, I firmly believe that no boy exists. It is a person who was created by your husband’s fiancé or one of her family or friends. You need to take the high road, Ina. STOP READING OR RESPONDING TO ANYTHING YOUR HUSBND’S FIANCEE OR THIS “BOY” WRITES TO YOU, BLOCK BOTH OF THEM FROM ANY FORM OF SOCIAL MEDIA, EMAIL, FACEBOOK, TWITTER OR ANYTHING ELSE. READING WHAT THEY WRITE ONLY UPSETS YOU AND MAKES YOU UPSET WITH YOUR HUSBAND. YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD BLOCK THIS “BOY” ALSO IF HE IS GETTING IN TOUCH WITH HIM.

    Ina, if you don’t block these individuals, then you should not complain about what they write. Alhamdulillah, we do not have to read or respond to any posts or mails unless we want to.

    If your husband and his fiancée are carrying on a haram relationship, it is their sin, not yours. They may not be, it may just be a way that others are trying to get you upset. As far as his future wife needing sex more often than every three days, she is just saying that (if she said it) to upset you more. She knows that she is marrying a married man, so she should not expect to get whatever she wants.

    Concentrate on your marriage and keeping it as wonderful as it can be. Remind your husband that he will have two wives to please, not just one. He has to be in control of his marriages, not his wives. Remind him that trying to go back and forth from one house to another every other day will confuse hum, then exhaust him, then drive him crazy!

    Maidlover, please marry the maid soon if you are calling her your girlfriend. Tell your wife before you do it, and be ready for whatever reaction she may have. Don’t expect your wife to want to live in the same house as the woman who is now your maid; you will need to take care of two homes. And I advise you not to hire another maid. If your present wife needs a maid, let her choose her and hire her and you give your wife the money to pay her.

    It’s good to have the “girl gang” back (and a couple of guys). May Allah guide all of us to get on and stay on the Seeratul Mustaqeem (Straight Path).

  • Gail

    October 8, 2014

    Alison,
    I hope all is going well with you.It was dumb luck I happen to click on the blog and find it back up and running.Very happy to be back.

  • Gail

    October 8, 2014

    Ana,
    I totally understand where u are coming from when it comes to human nature and how people despite how nice and honorable u try to be with them just simply do not accept it.I don’t know why but it affects me profoundly to see people act so disrespectful of others with such malice(it always shocks me as I myself am innocent in nature and try to see the good in people).
    As far as my email I checked it the first few days to see if u left me message but nothing was there so I just flipped out and kept telling hubby I can’t believe Ana just closed the blog and she did not message me.LOL I was devastated.I knew I had become dependent on the blog for support but when I was faced with not being able to contact anyone OMG mentally I just crashed and ended up seeking out professional counseling.The lady I have been seeing is wonderful and she has really helped me and when I first told her my story she thought my husband was horrible and I should divorce him although she did not outright tell me that.Amazingly after our first meeting she said she had a change of heart in my case and walked out and met my husband and she said after talking to me she honestly felt I need to listen to my husband on some matters and not put so much pressure on him and she taught me how to cope and let go of things(like excowife I could not change)It was strange u were telling me the exact same things as the counselor but somehow she made me see I really can’t control anything and I am just making myself insane for no reason.Oh she also told me the brain works like a computer and whatever u feed into your brain it just keeps coming back around again until u stop thinking on that problem and mentally visualize yourself locking that problem up in a steal vault and only taking the problem out for a small time thinking on how to solve it and put it back in the vault if u can’t.Sounds silly but somehow it started working and I started feeling emotionally happy again.My husband and I are at a much better place now with each other and will not be seeking divorce which again I am very thankful for.I have learned so much about human nature in my journey through this life and I am very thankful to have all my experiences good and bad because I feel like I could not have mentally or spiritually grown to become the person I am today without these experiences so I am very thankful.
    I should clear what I meant when I said I was having a horrible time which had nothing to do with my husband at all but instead with my health.
    I had my yearly pap and mammogram 3 weeks ago and my pap came back normal and perfectly fine but mammogram unfortunately didn’t come back normal.I had an abnormal result and I had to go in for another mammogram and an ultrasound and I just got the news yesterday I have to go back for a biopsy.They found a nodule in each one of my breast and needless to say I am in shock.I actually was doing really mentally well with it until they sent me for the second mammogram and ultrasound but when u go they put u with other woman with no shirt on and just this top gown and I swear to u it hit me hard we all r sitting there looking like we are waiting one at a time to go in and get are throat cut.There was this black woman come in and G.D bless little Black woman they r talk so much I feel unlike white woman(I don’t mean to stereotype)but she starts gabbing and starts talking about the nodule they found on her last year and then the other woman start chatting with her and it did not take me but a minute to figure out nodules in both breast is NOT a good sign.I got freak out and was on the verge of tears and I swear to u I thought OH G>D please do not let these woman say a word to me or ask me why i am here or I will bust out in tears I just can’t mentally take more.Thanks G.D they just looked my way but did not say a word to me.I am sure they sensed I was not mentally in my right mind at that moment.I have learned so much about breast cancer in such a short time and I am so shocked at how the medical community treats patients.I have had 2 mammograms and an ultrasound yet knowone seems to know how big the nodules are.They flat refuse to tell me which is nerve wracking to say the least and shocking and I am mortified it has been 3 weeks and still to date I do not have an answer as of yet if I have breast cancer in both my breast or not but will have double breast biopsy next week and will finally get an answer.Either way I understand now how important screening is and it is so strange this is cancer awareness month and I may very well end up getting diagnosed with double breast cancer at the age of 43.I want to encourage all you woman at age 40 go get tested every year do not leave it.It was only because my mother has been having breast cyst and the doctor telling me after age 40 it is part of the yearly exam I went and did it.I truly was going to blow off the mammogram thinking it was a joke and all I can say is thanks G>D I didn’t because I very well could have been writing myself a death sentence.I just pray if it is cancer(which at this point I am preparing myself for the real possibility it is) I caught it in time to save my life.I ask everyone to keep my family and I in your prayers as we go through this very difficult time in our lives.

  • Marie

    October 8, 2014

    @gail, I so glad your back, I missed reading you. Sorry things haven’t been working out for you. I too was upset and shocked about what and how everything went down. I expected it from one of the women involved but not from the other.

    I must say I was genuinely upset when I thought the blog was gone forever. I did shed a few tears, that I lost my blog friends and had no way to contact anyone. I remember my husband asked about my blog friends and I snapped at him saying “I don’t know the blog s closed, I don’t have any friends anymore, are you happy now, I don’t have anyone” it did make me realise that I’ll always be able to talk to Allah, He can always hear me. He is the all knowing all hearing, it brought me great comfort. Verily hearts find rest in remembrance of Allah. I love that ayat.
    The book I mentioned that has been read by Umm Imran and Ana, I think would be a big help to the brothers on the blog, I read some of it to my husband, the part about the phases that a woman can go through, he looked sad, and sad he wished he never did it, that he could feel my pain and how it wasn’t worth it. I had to correct him and said, it was worth it for me, I do it again as I know my faith got stronger, I remember Allah more, rely on Allah more and love people for the reward from Allah. I can feel the jealousy, envy, hatred rage leaving me. Although it’s extremely painful, having parts of your heart die a slow and painful death, it’s needed. I want and need a pure heart. I rather it happen now than in the hereafter.

  • Anisa umm Imran

    October 8, 2014

    Ana

    darn i had my bags pack and i was ready to go lol ….and was leaving on a jet plane lol … subhan Allah where did that come from …. i havent heard those songs since i became a muslim

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2014

    Anisa umm Imran,

    I knew you’d get a good laugh out of that one. Don’t hold me to it though LOL I won’t come pestering you, saying pack your bags sis let’s do this thing LOL Relax LOL As you said, we don’t know what Allah has planned. I got a nice laugh out of it though Toothless Chuckle I crack my own self up sometimes.

    I’m with you. I truly believe there is a purpose for everything Allah does. There is a method to the madness,as the worldly saying goes…

  • alison

    October 8, 2014

    @gail gooood to have you back missed you alot hope all is well last things werent great with the wedding etc….so glad you here

  • anabellah

    October 8, 2014

    Gail, Hey You!

    I emailed you in hopes you’d get it. You were surprised the last time I had emailed you quite some time ago, as you said you never checked your messages on that email address that I had. Insha Allah, if you check now, you’ll see it. You had two, but I only sent it to the last one you used. Our regulars have been asking about you by way of email, and asking if I’ve reached you. Lah was here and I let her know I’d email you, but don’t know if the email I have is valid.

    Anyhow, It’s been an earthly hell of a time,Gail. So much has gone down Sigh. It got very, very ugly. I am still shocked that people would do such a thing to not only me, but some of the others here. They dogged Laila out. It saddens me that I opened the door to people, welcomed them, embraced them as family and tolerated a lot when others said I was wrong in doing so, and didn’t understand why I did. I’ve learned a lot about people. Am I still bitter and angry, YES They tried to destroy my husband’s life and career and he never did a thing to those people. I don’t care what they did to me, as much as I care that they tried to hurt him. I don’t think I’ll go back to sleep again anytime soon. It was a heck of a wake-up call. Nonetheless I, myself, thought the blog was closed permanently, but Allah had another plan. I have to try my best to get over what has happened. I already had to deal with my younger sister and matters, which has really alienated me from my biological family and now this

    I thought we hadn’t heard from you because you were in Pakistan for the wedding. I know you had said you’d be there for a few months. I thought you were there having a jolly good time. I know you have a love for the country. I’m sorry to hear things haven’t been going well for you. I never had thought it. I thought, and was hoping you were okay. It’s so good to hear from you and I’m glad you checked in.

    I found some of the older posts on my phone (and typed) and re-posted them. I still have a couple more. I was so thankful to Allah that the one about Pakistani men was there, as well. I’ve already re-posted it. coco asked about you, as well. She doesn’t check her mail (the one in particular often); she’s way busy at work. She said she’d begin to check it, so Insha Allah, I’ll reach out to her again and let her know we’re back up and running, if she has a moment to check in with us.

  • Anisa umm Imran

    October 8, 2014

    Ana

    lolsis … well you never know what Allah has planned … i myself havent been to Ireland in just over 5 years and i left it just after i married which was 18 years ago so alot has changed there….. it is a beautiful country

    As for the tests in our live they are their for a reason and most of the time we learn from them … Ina i do believe that you and your hubby will learn something valuable one day from your situation and even tho you dont see it now you will afterwards

    i know i learned a few things about myself and my hubby after he divorced my ex co’s and i believe Allah placed then their for that reason only … so keep your head held high sis and know Allah will always be their for you

  • Gail

    October 8, 2014

    Ana,
    I scrolled back up and read what u wrote about the reason u took the blog down.I have no words to express how horrible I feel knowing all this information and how all this came about.It pains me deeply to know all this because I thought about all u girls pretty much everyday.I have been going through a really horrible time personally and tonight out of the blue I thought what the heck and typed in the blog and imagine my shock when it actually came up.I am so happy u r back up and running.You a great role model to so many and I am happy to see u back.

  • Gail

    October 8, 2014

    Ana,
    It’s Gail I just clicked over here on the off chance u had the website back up.I don’t know what happen before but I hope all is going well with you.Is Jenny and the other girls still around?

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2014

    Anisa umm Imran,

    I love the accent. You and I may have to head to Ireland one day in the not so distant future, Insha Allah.

    I was speaking with an attorney who just came from there with her sister. She says it sooooo beautiful there. She didn’t have to tell me that. I’ve heard it from others. She does legal work that warrants her going to Ireland at least once a year and the other conferences are teleconferences. Don’t count me out, Sis LOL

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2014

    Ina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    As difficult as it may be for you, you may have to learn to leave your husband be with regard to the girl. I don’t think he will hear a word you say about her in the negative. Someone else here said he is blinded by her. I can’t recall who said it, but the person is probably right. He don’t want to hear anything bad about her. It only turns him away from you and closer to her.

    Polygamy for some people is a blessing and for others it is a curse. We don’t know why Allah has placed the girl in your husband’s life. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s for his good. Some wives’ husbands are married to people Allah tells us Muslims not to marry. It’s not a blessing. There are consequences. This girl in your husband’s life could be placed there by Allah to be a means of agony for him. If she is, there is nothing you can do about it. Just don’t let her be a means of agony for you. If you put the focus on her, she will become just that – a means of agony for you.

    The most you could do is try to have a kind, loving, pleasant marriage with your husband, and put her on ignore as much as possible. There is not much you could do about her and him. You could take action to protect your assets and business. You could caution him to deal justly and fairly with you. You can’t make him do anything. I don’t know if you have anyone who could represent you in disputes the way Allah tells us – someone from his family and someone from yours. You don’t want it to come to the point that you and he are constantly arguing about and discussing the girl. It’s counter productive. Don’t make your life about her. You’re fortunate because you have us who could tell you these thing in hope your burden will be lightened.

    As difficult as it may be, at times the best thing to do is back off and let Allah do His thing. Allah has it all planned out. We just have to stay out the way.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    Everyone, I knew I missed mentioning someone who was very supportive during the trying time when things were happening and the blog shut down ~Fatima~ I knew I had missed someone and it suddenly dawned on me.

    @Fatima,
    I pray you and your family are well. We haven’t heard from you in a while. I’m sure you’re super busy. I’m thinking of you.

    @Marie,

    I wrote to maidlover before I read your post to him. You already covered most of what I said. I was pretty much repetitious.

    Marie, you are doing so good with this polygamy thing. As you, Alison, and Anisa Umm Imran said, it’s all about being mindful of Allah, and having the patience Allah tells us to have. I agree with Anisa that we are way more resilent than we realize. As Anisa said, Allah only tests those He loves. He only loves believers. Those who reject faith get respite, warning and punishment. They don’t heed warning. It’s why I say we have to critique ourselves. If were not getting any contentment and ease, if our situation is not improving, despite how slowly it may be happening, something is wrong with us and our faith. We have to get ourselves right with our Lord and it’s not about a husband, it’s about Allah swt.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2014

    @maidlover,

    Does the maid currently work in your home? If so, what do you intend to do, if your wife doesn’t want her in your home any longer? How does she and the maid get along now? Does your wife know anything of the history you have with the maid?

    If your wife has befriended this maid and she is still working in your home, this could get very ugly. Your wife will feel and think this woman has betrayed her. Feeling betrayed hurts badly. On top of being betrayed, you’re going to marry this woman. Then you’re going to use your vacation to marry this woman when you usually spend it with your wife. Get ready for the sh!t to hit the fan Shit hits the fan What’s your game plan?

  • Anisa umm Imran

    October 7, 2014

    i think we all have times in our live where we just dont get it and wonder why … but putting that aside and turning to Allah at a time where nothing makes sense ..he will truly respond to you … we never know what he has planned for us in this life but one thing we know that he only test those of us he loves and if polygyny is that big test then Ma Shaa Allah tabarak Allah

    i know that some of the posters are men and they worry about their wives and how they will respond when told about the thought of them marry another but you know i think us women are alot more resilient that we seem to be and that is due to the fact that alot of us have subr beyond what we know and Allah has allowed us to use it in a time where we think we cant

    so if your wife seems to be not with the whole polygyny thing then take that time to learn it together and try to reassure her that Allah only test those he love

    As for the book from monogamy to polygyny … ma shaa allah this is a great book it was given to me as a gift from a sister whom i’m friends with on fb and i have to say i learn alot about polygyny from that …maybe the men can give these book to their wives and take time out and read it together as the men too can learn from it

  • Anisa umm Imran

    October 7, 2014

    Maire

    Ma Shaa Allah sis from what you have said you have grown in your way concerning polygyny and in shaa ALlah you will be continued to be blessed with it … i did tell him today that maybe he should step back and just let it happen

    your right their is such reward for us first wives more than we can think about and it starts with having subr

  • alison

    October 7, 2014

    Wow belated eid mubarak..i feel overwhelmed with all the comments I missed a lot but finally alhamdulila feeling better. .@laila so great to have you back and don’t worry about what was said Allah knows the truth and they will pay for it somehow in shaa Allah.enjoy your holidau and have fun
    Ana sorry for what happened but I want to sincerely thank yoi for being strong and taking it all in and revamping the blog its for sure much better ;) they would have won if you closed it. This blog is a support system for so many people who are mostly readers and it gets them through this.am an example alhamdulila with this blog I have made substantial steps which I wouldn’t dare on my own. You make us strong
    thanks to all the commentators you all amazing and an inspiration. Let us help one another its never easy and whenever I have those down moments I know I can count on ALL of you to make me happy. Much love
    the rest am scared of writing a long post via phone lest it disapprars :) be strong and it will all be well by Allah’s mercy in shaa Allah

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2014

    Oh, Marie, another thing; it’s truly amazing that there are people who read an article or reference material and think they know it all or they have read nothing, but only make assumptions. For instance, some said, your blog is evidence and you’re going down. Well, where did they get their law degree? They know nothing about the Rules of Evidence; they don’t know what is admissible and inadmissible as evidence. They don’t know anything about courtroom testimony and what it takes to prove a case. They know diddly friggin squat, but think they’re in the know. They don’t know their asses from the elbows.

    Speaking of the pie and cake scenario, the cake people are clueless. If they stopped minding someone else business and got in touch with reality they’d know people are being beheaded out there in the world. There are serious situation the world need to concern themselves with. My husband and I are a little speck of NOTHING in the realm of things. What has happened opened my eyes to just how evil, devious and wicked many people are in this world. I’m going to sit back and wait for Allah to put the SMACK DOWN on them Popcorn And Drink

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2014

    Oh, I must mention CoCo; she wrote me a couple emails that touched my heart so much and brought me to tears. You all are wonderful people. Allah has blessed me to know each and everyone of yous.

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    Shocked I woke up to 7 comments to approve. Of course I haven’t rid them all yet, just skimmed, but Insha Allah will thoroughly read them, asap.

    @Laila,

    If you check the blog while sitting at the airport – have a safe trip, have fun take a pic of something there to send me via email when you get back. I’ll miss you – miss you already.

    @Marie,

    I was going to ask about you today on the blog. I’ve been wondering what happened to you. I was missing you. You’re so right about polygamy making us strong enough to handle anything. It makes us feel somewhat invincible.It’s Hammer Time! I loved Hammer’s song – “Can’t Touch This.” I watched the Flash Mob video. The song is a good representation of how I feel. We won’t go down without a fight.

    You and Laila went to bat for me. Alhumdulliah. Spirited was there on email regularly and Ruqayyah, Alison were there so supportive. I thank Allah much for all of you. Whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. My husband was way good too. He said to me a number of times not to shut the blog down, but I had to keep it down till I got my wits about me and got everything straightened out. He’s a keeper.

    I have to reach out to Aishah2014. I don’t know if she knows the blog is back up.

    I bought and read the book, “From Monogamy to Polygyny – a Way Through It” when I first began the blog. It was helpful. I think it’s the only book on the subject out there worth reading right now that I know of.

  • Marie

    October 7, 2014

    Ruquyya, lol I get what your saying with the not enough sex. theses past few months I hadn’t noticed, but recently when he’s gone im like ahhhhh I want sex. but I try to be patient, I was thinking of asking him to come here during the day for a quickie lol, but I wouldn’t want that happening on my days so I didn’t ask.

    ohhhh don’t get me started on what women agree to and accept before marrying a married man. I bet 9/10 women eat the horse sh@t that there potential husband feeds them, until after the marriage then, well….. we all know what happens.

  • Laila

    October 7, 2014

    Okay guys. Im leaving to the airport now! Love you all! ♥♥♥

  • Marie

    October 7, 2014

    asalamu alaykum and eid Mubarak all,

    Im glad you all have an enjoyable eid Alhamdulillah, the 3 day eid fell on my days again, im very thankful to Allah for making it that way. hubs still went and spent time with ‘other’ and we ( me and other) exchanged gifts and salaams. things are going well at the moment, we still haven’t spoken since they married, its all good. im learning to love my husband again, learning to love him for the sake of Allah, instead of loving him for myself, my marriage is becoming a new, meaningful, beautiful relationship. Alhamdulillah.

    Ana, you had me cracking up over here, ‘the cake people be all up in your pies’ lol, im still laughing about it. The cake people don’t realize that once you’ve been though polygany you get an mc hammer attitude ‘ cant touch this’ nothing they say or do has any effect on me.

    Iv been reading a very good book about polygyny, I think it would be helpful to both men and women preparing to enter polygamy. its the only material, besides this blog that is pro polygamy but doesn’t ignore the nitty gritty and skip past the pain that a women can feel, ill put the title and author in a separate post, so if its not allowed, Ana, just don’t approve it.

    Maidlover, oh dear, you are setting yourself up for a big fall, under no circumstances do you speak badly about one wife to another. it may have benefited you now as your have convinced the maid that she is replacing your current wife, when she realizes that you have no intention of divorcing your first wife, she’s going to get angry and tell your 1st wife all the horrible things you said about her, do not give wives ammunition to cause problems. yes, I second everyone else, its time to be a man and tell your wife what’s going on, DO NOT LIE, no good will come from lying, it will only make the situation worst for you and your current wife. how a woman comes to find out about her husband becoming polygamous determines how long it will take her to accept it. if she has to deal with a lying husband as well as a co wife the healing process takes longer. your wife is bound to be upset, its likely she will tell the maid to find another job and to get the flip out of her house, so I hope you wasn’t planning on the maid living with you and your current wife. maidlover, please, please, please stop with the excuses, most of us here have been though polygyny or are going through it, we’ve heard all the excuses, your not convincing us and you wont convince your wife. even if you had an attentive wife and the maid was not being evicted you would still want to marry her, you wanted to marry her before you was married to your current wife, and the maid wasn’t being evicted then, just get with realty. I would also tell your current wife that you met the maid years ago at a marriage ceremony, you lost contact and now Allah has brought her back into your life, your wife will properly find this out anyway (from the maid) its best she hears the truth from you.

    Ina, this boy sounds like a little devil, id ignore him as much as I could. your doing great. I wouldn’t put all your focus on your husband, I do exactly what you have been doing as focus on Allah.

    anisa umm inran, letting things happen is for the best. my husband was actively trying to marry a women, he didn’t go as far as to talk badly about me or our marriage to get another wife, but he did put in a effort. in the end he gave up and just said (to himself) if it happens, it happens. then about a year later the same woman came seeking him, things was easy for him, he didn’t need to convince her, they are now married. marshallah

    Im really starting to see to blessings and favors’ in polygyny, I mean I could see them for the husband and the 2nd wife, but was having trouble seeing/feeling what a first wife gets. all I could feel was pain, anger, rage etc.. my thoughts caused me pain, looking at my husband caused me pain. pretty much everything caused me pain, except thinking of Allah, worshipping Allah. As long as Allah is on my mind im fine, life’s beautiful. its a blessing, worshipping and thinking of Allah, asking for His mercy and forgiveness brings good deeds, goods deeds that outweigh the bad equals jannah. I asked myself would I think of Allah as much if the thoughts that I have wasn’t painful, I don’t think I would, Allah knows best. all I know is im grateful.

    Insha allah ill be back soon to write on the other threads

  • maidlover

    October 7, 2014

    Thanks Ana ruqayah and Laila for your coments I liked it what Ana said is a more mature coments I will talk to my wife about the marrying the maid will marry her in my vacation so will have to plan accoordingly I won’t be blamingmy wifefor thisRuqayah i did not have maid in my mind when I got married but when she came back then maid is in my mind I marry her my wife wont be undesirable after my marriage to the maid

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2014

    Anisa umm Imran,

    Wow, you are Irish. That is so cool. It’s good you’ve come to realize you will have nothing to worry about if he marries a woman from his own country. You and he have history together and what I’ve heard from you, you’re a kind heart person. You want your husband to be happy and have another wife, if Allah has decreed it for him. How could he not love you and love you more, if he marries another? My wali/friend advised me that men tend to love wives more when they set aside their selfishness, and not interfere in what Allah has permitted them to do – marry more than one wife. I pray Allah is well pleased with you for all your sacrifices and selfLESSness.

    You’re right; men don’t tend to listen when they’ve got their minds made up. I suppose it’s not just men, but human nature. All you could do is speak your mind about it and leave it be.

    About commenting on others situation, it’s no problem. Just jump in whenever you feel inspired. It’s okay. We’re happy to have you here.

  • Anisa umm Imran

    October 7, 2014

    Ana

    I think your right he should just let it happen … i have said this to him before but as men they dont always listen … but In Shaa Allah i will say it again

    Jazak Allah khair for such a lovely comment on my family … my son is an amazing boy and i dont say that as a mum but as a human being … he does so much for us all

    well you know sis their is already the culture difference as i’m not from his country i’m irish and he is algerian … my biggest worry in the beginning was if he did marry from his country that would mean they would have so much more in common and that i would be pushed aside … but with time i could see that it wouldnt happen ….. i know these women and deal with them everyday and can see why it is hard to find the right one

    i wanted to say sorry to the other readers that i dont comment on their lives … i’m still trying to get to know more about you all

  • anabellah

    October 7, 2014

    Ruqayyah,

    Here, Here, I hear ya about Ina’s soon to be co.

    I was thinking the girl is a very young, virgin, bride, but it’s questionable based on what were hearing from this boy. Furthermore, if she was a young, virgin bride, she wouldn’t know what sex is like and how much she’d miss it yet.

    I absolutely think sex is just an excuse for her and a way to control him. It’s the part that annoy me so much about women who join an existing marriage as a wife. They know the man is married, which mean it’s POLYGAMY, not monogamy. It mean she will be sharing a husband. It’s not about her. It’s about two women sharing one man. She already knows this. Yet she says she accepts it all along not accepting it. Then she wants to flex and make demands. Really she wants the husband to unload his first wife and family. I blame the husbands for not getting those women straight from jump street.

  • Ruqayyah

    October 7, 2014

    lol girls, you all know my problem with polygamy is that I won’t be getting enough sex. Sorry but it’s true. 3 days and I’m ready to force him… However, Ina’s co is marrying as a 2nd wife she has to realise the man will not be readily available to her to do as she wills constantly. She has to consider someone else’s needs, in fact, an entire families needs to have the man also. She’s been waiting a long looooonggg time for sex drawing out this marriage, she could have had a simple islamic wedding and already started the games already. Seems like sex is just an excuse and a way to control him and make him scared that if he doesn’t do the schedule she wants she will cheat on him.

  • Ruqayyah

    October 7, 2014

    @Maidlover, please don’t blame your wife’s lack of time when you admitted that you knew and ‘loved’ this girl before you even got married. It’s clear she was always on your mind and no matter what your wife did she will always be ‘undesirable’ to you.
    Is that wrong? Maybe, but probably not. But at least be a man and admit it. That way you can love your wife for who she is instead of making her feel guilty for working and feel like she created the situation when really, it’s what you wanted no matter what.
    Have you ever told your wife to stay home and give you the attention you need? Or are you the kind of man who encourages her to work so she can help financially but then complains about it later?

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    Hello Fiction, Spirited, Laila and Mari2,

    Fiction,

    Happy belated Eid Mubarak, to you too. :-)

    Spirited,

    Although it’s not funny about maidlover’s wife possibly ending up over on the anti-Muslim place, you made me laugh. LOL

    Laila,

    You got that right; the blog is our home. Can’t nothing keep us down. Cuz I’m happy!!! I pray you’ll feel better quickly

    Mari2,

    I figured a number of people didn’t know what went down, so I felt a need to explain as simply as I could. Oh, by the way, someone very up close and personal to my husband was in on it too. “C” the person tried to spite and hurt me and got him caught up in it. The crap backfired. The low down dirty dogs even put a link to my husband mother’s obituary on there. Well, I think I’ve just about released all my anger. Sigh

    Mari2, it was way nice of them to invite you to the wedding. My wali would say it was right nice that they invited you. I don’t blame you whatsoever for not going, though. I don’t think I’d be able to handle something like it. You’re doing way good, my friend. Keep the faith and stay strong. Gee wiz, though; I can’t believe they’re going all out that way on a wedding for a man who is already married, but what do I know

    Everyone, I didn’t read all the posts. I just skimmed them. I’m a bit pooped and ready to relax. I wanted to get a bunch of posts out there earlier before I lose them off my phone. I was shocked as all outdoors that they were still on my phone.

    I just Love, love, love this song:

  • Mari2

    October 6, 2014

    @Ana,

    Wow…reading about what went down on the last blog. I had no idea, but MASHALLAH for your fortitude in dealing with the issues. A belated Eid Mubarak as well. You mentioned above about M’s long engagement and soon to be hoopla of a wedding to number 2. Yes it would be nice if she and her family would be satisfied with a simple Islamic nikah. But in his country there is “culture”, family “expectations”, dowry competitions, 300000000 cousins to feed and the like. Not Islamic, and I have chosen to step back from the decision making issues that he once asked my opinion of, as they do not pertain to me or reflect upon my faith. I understand the cultural wedding thing, we have the same thing in US too. The wedding details arebetween M, his soon to be MIL/aunt, and his mom. I pray for nothing more than the guidance of Allah for M. But I expressed to M that while I support Allah’s decision, there was no need to involve me in the minutae of the wedding details. And no. I will not attend the wedding though invited to do so. I have however purchased gifts for the intended. But I really don’t need to be there. It would be too awkward.

  • Fiction

    October 6, 2014

    @ lna

    If you love your husband and he loves you too then I think lack of intimacy, quality time together and proper conversation is making him view you also as a problem in polygamy which you are not, so please try to communicate in a way that he understands your pain and takes the responsibility of his actions and comforts you.

    * Tell him that undoubtedly you would never do anything like that but could he begin to imagine how much it hurts to see your spouse with someone else, their intimacy, that proposal and all? could he even imagine how much he would be hurt if the positions were reversed especially if you would come straight after your honeymoon with some other man on his wedding anniversary and that man is trying hard to hurt you in every possible way!!

    Its not that you want to hurt him but to make him understand your feelings and respect them. Tell him that since He has been your strength for many years you cannot deal with them without his help and comfort specially when you have no control over your emotions..

    Actually right now He must be thinking that he could have a loving moment and relaxation just with future co after marriage so is accommodating her wishes to enjoy their marriage..

    Make him realise that he already could have that with you, she might be all the time in contact with him but since you are in person with him; let him feel the difference between you and her as a person that really exists.

    take a break from this polygamy thing even just for a evening and just the two of you enjoy each others feelings and your marriage. you both really need a moment without phone or anything to see what you two have which is unique!

  • Laila

    October 6, 2014

    Wow Ina! What a b****! Seriously. Is sex that hot!? Well i guess im an old maid too. Im heading off to Turkey tonight and im down with flu. Hubby and I fought about him wanting to still be home when i am not. Ina your co sounds like such a selfish t***. Maybe its my flu but seriously how much sex is enough? A schedule is not based on birthdays etc or sex. Its a schedule people. Even my birthday was missed last year. This year was great. We both had our birthdays celebrated with hubbs. I do not think she has an inkling about the Islamic lifestyle and approach. Sounds very arrogant.

    Dear Spirited. A lot went down and I feel that the blog is my home too. So screw the negative women and lets chat like the good old times! ♡♡♡♡

  • Fiction

    October 6, 2014

    Actually Lna its not that I want you to play mind games just deal with it smartly for your sake and ofcourse your marriage..

    you know right now your Husband is just dealing with arguments and demands from both sides, do something to show that you love him and care for him, also all your demands just want him to be just and fair and you could never lose him…
    Don’t be needy instead loving.

    Do anything to show your love, care and all and tell him you are going through all this hurt, pain just for him to be happy and fulfilled; so if he is also not happy you feel more pain. Also tell him its not that you hate him for polygamy its his way of dealing with things that you feel as a betrayal.

    Do anything for him to make him relax and then have a heart to heart conversation in a way that you are not accusing him of anything just sharing your feelings with your friend and Husband: you must be knowing how to please him better so that for a moment he doesn’t considers your marriage as an obligation instead something he cannot loose… you can do anything like-

    * Take him out for dinner stating that you are here to celebrate since he needed to get married and you want him to be happy; tell him it’s just that you two are celebrating a change in your marriage. Don’t mention anything about future co.

    * Gift him a card stating all the things he has done for you and you consider as a token of love. You can write those things that you find unfair and state at last that his good ones are much more compared to wrongs, by this you can bring things that he is dealing poorly with and he might want to change it without even you asking for.

    * Surprise him with anything… you might be having so many loving memories of just you two and then as a family that might remind him that though right now she is his lover you are friend, partner, family and a part of who he is today!!

    * Do anything lovingly, spend quality time together, have a heart to heart conversation.. Since demanding is not making any difference in his attitude; try a different approach and it might help you both..

    make him realise that you want to be happy and want him to be happy too atleast when with you because you want him to be happy too. Tell him in a language that he understands that since both of you want to live polygamy, you are up for working as a team as long as he chooses to be fair, you want the truth even if it hurts and you want him to comfort you at those times because you have only one husband and its him not because you have no options but because you want to be with him!!

    It might help you and him as well in building trust between you. Right now he sees both of you as problem, show him that you want to be a part of solution as long as he is dealing fairly!!

  • Spirited

    October 6, 2014

    Salaam all~

    @Laila, I’m glad to see you’ve taken a stand and are up for posting! I missed hearing from you, but I know you’re really busy with the educational side of things. I say, write what you’re comfortable with, no problemo

    @Ina, I was wondering, isn’t it possible to put a block on this person’s phone number? I don’t remember if you mentioned that it was or not before. Otherwise, you might just have to ignore or immediately delete any messages he sends you and your husband should do the same. Some people just have no class or life and have to go meddle in others’ lives.

    @Maidlover, I second everyone’s important advise to NOT hide things from your wife and don’t dare blame her for not having enough time for you. Most of the time, its the man who doesn’t have time for his family, so I find it funny you’re trying to reverse it here. In any case, it might be a good idea for you to suggest this blog as support for your wife (before she ends up on an anti-Muslim place). Just a thought.

    Ok, I’m coming down with some serious sneezing fits here and the laptop is almost out of charge lol. I’ll write more later when I’m feeling better. Talk to you guys soon, I hope you’re all well and had a great Eid! <3

  • Fiction

    October 6, 2014

    Hie Ana!

    Sorry for being late – “Wishing you all a Very happy Eid”!!!

    @ Lna

    If I am not wrong your future co created a fb Id of your husband and then he also created a secret mail Id for her…

    I think these many coincidences take place only in movies-
    1> The guy is obsessed with your future cowife..
    2> He is from the same place as her..
    3> He has access to all their private conversations..
    4> He would be in same university as her..
    5> He asking to comfort her when schedules are being discussed..

    Either he could be your future co or someone helping her out to accomplish her goal..

    Your future co firstly does things to hurt you & then tries to show it to you. She would always use this thing to make your Husband insecure and afraid of losing her as your husband has proved both through his words and actions that he doesn’t wants polygamy instead needs it and would do anything to have it!!

    You can trace the number and find out reality and after accumulating solid proofs inform your husband about it.

    If in case you are unable to collect proofs; firstly your husband seems to be the type of person who is afraid to deal with emotions, confrontations, and all..
    Since you have made up your mind to live polygamy and be with him take the advantage of experience that you have of him – Approach him regarding this fact very lovingly stating that you have something in your mind that you want to discuss with your Best friend and lover of years; don’t mention about it as a fact instead ask him is it possible since she has proved her manipulative ways many times. Tell him you want to live polygamy because you love him and believe in Allah so she should not involve you in her games… Ask him to man up & ask her to stop it.

    If this also doesn’t works you have been his wife for years; tell that guy you love him and he has proved over and over that he loves you too may be accompanied with some recent pic of you two together and tell him that you two have a history that can’t be erased. By the responses you could easily sense that whether the person is pleased with it or furious. If furious then since he has got nothing to do with you or your husband doesn’t it indicates something odd?.. may me do this firstly then talk to your husband.

    Hope you get the answers…
    Take care

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2014

    Anisa Umm Imran, As Salaamu Alaikum :-)

    I enjoy learning more about you and your family. Yeah, I hear you about how important it is to protect your daughters. Some places in the world are just not very safe. I’ve learned so much about different countries just by reading this blog, besides the chaotic mess I see on the news that’s happening in these countries that predominately have a Muslim population. Alhumdulliah, your daughters have an older brother who could look out for them, along with you and your husband. It’s so sweet and cute they have an older brother. He must feel special. Sounds you’ve got a very nice Muslim family.

    Your husband sounds he’s got his head on straight in considering the needs of your current family in looking for another wife. Maybe as you stated, it could happen for him later rather than sooner. Insha Allah, he could take his emphasis off looking and let it simply happen. He could spend too much time in the future, oppose to living in the moment with just you and your lovely family. This life is way short.

    Anisa, the women from his own country may be the best for him. It could get way crazy mixing cultures as you’ve read here on this blog some of the stories. Sometimes it’s best to simply stick with our own. Marriage is difficult enough without the added burden of dealing with cultural differences. Sigh

    You’ve got a funny avatar. It makes me laugh…

  • Anisa umm Imran

    October 6, 2014

    Ana

    i think he does want a very righteous wife … the last 2 co’s seem to say the right things and once they were married it wasnt as they said … we ourselves are very religious my daughters wear over head jilbabs and cover very well … i also wear this and niqab the 3 layered one … we dont allow our daughters out by themselves anywhere they want to go either we take them or our son does as he is the eldest … living in a muslim country i see so much going on that i dont like and i want to protect my girls … even deen wise i see to much rubbish here so we need to make sure that whoever he marries will fit into our family …

    the funny thing is he doesnt like the women from his country and i think that’s why he is finding it hard Alalhu Alum

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2014

    Dear Ina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I was wondering what had happened to you, when you suddenly stopped writing. Wow, a whole lot is going on with your situation. This boy you speak of is a serious piece of work. Someone needs to put a stop to him and his communications with her – whether your husband does it or she does it. He could man up and tell her the wedding is off, if she doesn’t end communications with the boy who is clearly trying to disrupt the lives of the three of you. This boy is obsessed with your husband’s soon to be wife. If your husband doesn’t get a handle on the situation, it’s bound to get completely out of control. The boy sends you information about your husband and his soon to be wife’s sexual encounters and the boy says he will take care of the girl (your husband’s wife) while your husband is with you. It’s is a very serious situation. One doesn’t know whether what the boy and girl are saying is truth or lies. Regardless, it brings no good to your marriage and the soon to be marriage between your husband and the girl. It appears she will continue to use the boy to get your husband to do what she wants. She being very manipulative.

    Ina, there is not much you could do about the boy and the girl, other than tell the boy to stop bothering you – stop sending you information. About your husband, you’re doing the best you can. You let your husband know what you want that is fair and just out of the marriage. You’re doing way good in communicating with your husband what your needs are and how you would like things to go. You sound to me to be a very rational, fair and just person. Laila had mentioned to that you need to lay it all out to your husband what you expect and need, within reason. If I were you, I wouldn’t waste my time talking with the girl. It would be a useless waste of time. Unless, of course, you tell girlfriend – look I’m his wife, he loves me, I love him and I’m in this marriage come Hell or high water and you better get used to the idea or get to steppin LMAOLaughing My Ass Off

    You are absolutely correct that the schedule is a major problem for many polygamous people. It’s important that you let your husband know that her needs and wants with regard to the schedule doesn’t supersede your needs and wants. When one has a rigid schedule that you try not to deviate from at all, it makes matters much easier. It’s best to try to begin this way at least. It’s apparent that she intends to manipulate the schedule whether it be by using the boy or some other means. If her sex drive is that strong and she needs it as often as she said, she should not be marrying a married man. Let her go try to find a single man who could possibly give it to her day and night.

    Your husband needs to stress to her that you are his wife and she knew it before she agreed to marry him. He will not turn his back on you and she is not more important than you. If your husband man up and let her know he is boss, she’d probably straighten up and fly right. The problem is these men are unable to be authoritative and take control of the marriages, which it is super important for them to do when they become polygamous. Your husband will have to get himself together and take charge of the situation.

    Most importantly, you have to exercise patience, persevere and pray. Many think this is a do nothing attitude and you have to take action. Patience, perseverance and prayer is the action Allah tells us to take. No one knows better than Allah. Allah sees and knows all things.

    The girl is only digging a hole for herself, which she will fall into. She is one unhappy camper.

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2014

    @Ina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I know you didn’t mean for me to answer your question, but I will. You asked, what did it prove for those people to go through the lengths they did to expose my true identity. The answer is, it proves they are a bunch of nincompoops and very unhappy people. Sad Eyes

    I liken the two blogs to pie and cake. I prefer pie over cake any day, unless there is a celebration. So, if I have a blog about pie, my focus will be on pie and the people who like pie. People on my blog will talk about how to make better pies, different pies, the cost of pies, who eat the pies, etc. I would expect the blog about cakes is doing the same about cakes. It blows my mind when the cake people are over there talking about my pies and everything associated with my pies. Instead of writing about their people who like cake, they’re over there writing about my people who like pie. They are all up in my pies. They should be talking about how good their cake is and selling people on it, not writing about my people who like pie. It’s craaaaazy,Crazy Sign if you ask me. The cake people just aren’t playing with a full deck or maybe they know absolutely nothing about cake. They are fixated on my pies.

    They got off on trying to investigate me and my peeps (people), saying, for instance, oh, I found this, oh, I found that, oh look a this, oh look at that; I could go here and get this and I can go there and get that about them. You’d think they found gold. REALLY??? Me and my peeps are that important to them. Woh, Jack. Roll out the red carpet…

    Me and my peeps may be important to the cake people, but we sure aren’t that important to the rest of the world. There is a whole lot of serious things occurring globally. If they turned on the TV to watch the news or read news online, they’d realize ain’t no body got no time to worry about some pie eaters when there are serious occurrences taking place in the world. All I can say is: Un (friggen) believable.

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back in a few, Ina.

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2014

    maidlover, Happy Eid Al Adha to you too, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I thank Laila and Ruqayyah, as well, for bringing back the blog by inputing and I thank very much all the other writers here, as well, for just being here and writing.

    maidlover, I have a friend who is my wali who spoke with me a few times about how some men feel neglected when the children arrive and the wife’s attention goes to the children (which it must). Marriage usually changes when children arrive. Nothing stays the same when the variables change. Take for instance, a recipe; add a different ingredient to the recipe, the food taste differently.

    Who knows, maybe one reason polygamy is permitted is so a man could get the attention he needs from more than one wife. Wives’ got a lot going on. If a man has four wives, he’s sure to get the love, affection and attention that he needs from some of them, some of the time. Yes?

    About the maid being your girlfriend, no one has to tell you that you should go ahead and marry the girl so she becomes your wife, and not your girlfriend. Allah says men could have more than one wife. You love this girl and she loves you. It appears it’s time to marry, and make the relationship, lawful, good, and pure, Insha Allah.

    Now, it’s time to tell your wife what is happening. Don’t try to hide it from her. How you approach her and let her know what is going on is very important. Whatever you do, DO NOT make it sound that it is your wife’s fault that you are marrying another. It is not her fault.

    This is the time to make your wife feel good about herself, not badly. She’s been your wife for x amount of years and bore you three beautiful children. Allah brought about a lot of good to you through her. She helped you; she was there for you; you gained pleasure through her. She is a gem. You need to let her know it. Let her know that you marrying the maid takes nothing from the wonderful, beautiful person she (your wife is).

    Your wife will go through a very difficult time, which will probably be the most difficult, painful time in her entire life. You will need to help her through it, as best you can. Let her know Allah decided this for you, her and the maid; you didn’t do it. Allah puts love in the heart. The love you have for the maid does not diminish the love you have for your wife. A man could love more than one woman at a time.

    I will leave you with this for now. We’re here, if you’d like to talk with us more.

  • Ina

    October 6, 2014

    Future co-wife said only old women / widows are ok with 3 days not seeing their husband so she is going to start a polygamy blog for young women. LOL, maybe she should read this blog and maybe, just maybe, she will learn a few things.

    I reminded hubby that the gap will be at least a month once she has go back to Malaysia after her PHD. Of course, this is not going to be for at least another 4 yrs, by which point she might consider herself to be an older woman so she might not need the sex as often.

  • Ina

    October 6, 2014

    Assalamualaikum Ana,

    I was completely shocked by the lengths some people go to reveal your identity. It was pointless and what did they prove. I hope you come through it stronger and better than before, inshaallah.

    After my last post, my husband came home and asked “who have been talking to?”. He just had an argument with future co-wife so I thought he was accusing me of writing to this boy (which I had not). Then I thought maybe future co-wife or this boy has been reading the blog and know that I have been writing here. I don’t know if this is the case or not but stopped writing for a while. I decided it doesn’t matter if they read these comments but need to be a little careful with what I write so here I am.

    Back to my situation, the boy is still sending me emails albeit not on a daily basis. However, some of the stuff he sent was quite cruel, revealing some details of their physical relationship. A wife does not need to hear how her husband makes love to another person. The boy sent me one line a couple of days ago and it was so disgusting that I know he made it up. I think he was trying to get some sort of reaction from me.

    I asked hubby about the schedule and requested that I have at least 1 day of the weekends so he can spend time with our kids. Hubby had known that I prefer 3 days schedule based on what I learnt from reading this blog. His reaction to my request was non-committal. He felt there might some argument over the weekends even though he had not discussed it with her yet. Hubby said he preferred rolling 3 days so to avoid arguments but of course need to adjust it for special days such as birthdays (especially since her birthday is in Nov). After he discussed with her, she is complaining that 3 days is too long…she can’t wait that long for the sex. This worried hubby because the boy sent him a message saying “do you want me to comfort your 2nd wife when you are with 1st wife”.

    So we are fighting about the schedule…no surprises since the schedule seems to be troublesome in most polygamous marriages I read about on this blog.

  • anabellah

    October 6, 2014

    maidlover,

    Thank you for bringing the matter to my attention. I will look into it. I have a certificate, you could see at the bottom of the site that indicates the site is safe from malware. Nonetheless, I’ll make an inquiry. I have a Facebook page for polygamy 411 already under Ana Polygamy.

    maidlover, Insha Allah, I’ll be back to chat with you and read your other post. It’s Fajr time, so I must run. Insha Allah, I’ll be back later in the a.m. or noon.

  • maidlover

    October 6, 2014

    Hi Ana

    Thanks for bringing back this blog it is ok I just liked the I ve got it maid as you said I understand it cannot be retrieved so as you said let’s us focus on the new postPlease open a fb page to connect with us. I will be regular reader of your blog

  • maidlover

    October 6, 2014

    My Eid Ul AZA to all of you
    ANA Ruqayah Laila thanks a lot for bringing back this blog. I am into polygamy won’t kick out my wife and kids for marrying the maid I am 36 my wife was 29 while I married her she also work so she have little time for me to hear me.You know I m very emotional my wife earlier she had time for me now she got little time for me and kids

    I met maid at a marriage ceremony I was not married then. She liked me very much she told me I have enquired about you.I was shocked she became friendly with me she was average I liked her after the ceremony while leaving she came to me and said when will be meet again. I said dont. Know gave my number she called after that relationship was about to start I lost my mobile and her number

    I started to love her but terribly missed her I wanted to marry her after after
    4years I met her again by then I got married with 3children . Maid agency send her as as a replacement as the former maid was getting married to her boyfriend I. Couldn’t tell much to her as my wife was there in the house she liked her And appointed her when she left I talked to her and after hearing tears came down from her eyes she was thinking I betrayed her now she has become my girl friend she is interested in getting married to me moreover she will lose her property christain mafia is trying to take. Her property so I need to help her I cannot leave her now so I m marrying her she is perfect age just in her 20 s for marrying my kids like her she is friendly to them so we have decided to marry

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    I found some of my older posts from the earlier blog that I will re-post.

    @maidlover,

    I’ll look to see if I can find the post, “I Got It Maid”, for you.

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2014

    Everyone, just a friendly reminder Anisa umm Imran has a blog, as well. It’s

    http://polygynyandcowives.blogspot.com/

    If you click on the hyperlink under “recent comments” – her comment – you could reach her blog, as well. Insha Allah, I’ll put blog friends back up, if I could remember the other blogs. I know journey in plural marriage is one. Journey in plural marriage, hello, if you’re out there. Anybody home?

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2014

    Anisa umm Imran, Wa Alaikum As Salaam & Eid Mubarak to you,

    It was way kind of you to make the effort to tell me those posts were out there. I suppose you and I came across them around about the same time. It’s funny there were some people already here at this blog and some who had stopped in way back when who already knew my identity, and simply kept it to themselves. I knew by letting people know my past profession and current businesses there was a chance people would put one and one together to get two. Plus, I had posted under my real names several years ago when I first began blogging. Some people let me know they knew. They were like, oh, okay, this is her and they went on about their business. It was no big deal to them. It was a big deal to people who sought out the information to do damage that made the difference. They act like they did something big too, by finding out. Big Whip! They did do something big, made big FOOLS out of themselves. I believe they won’t have to wait till the Hereafter to get theirs. They are going to get it here on this planet. They probably are already getting it, especially the one whose husband divorced her (understandably) for the little Indian girl LOL

    Anisa umm Imran, it’s really good you are more pro polygyny now. Life gets so much better and easier for we women when we accept polygyny as part of our way of life. The more I truly accept it in my heart, the easier life becomes for me, and the more at peace and content I am. There is a lot of good in the lifestyle. There are a lot of life lessons in it, as well. We learn so much from polygyny just in dealing with people who live it or people who hate polygyny or people who want to accept it, not for a husband, but for our belief in Islam.

    These men who chase polygyny kill me (as in baffle me). They need to learn that what they chase runs from them. If polygyny is for them, they will receive it with no effort. It will come to them with ease. They run after what is not for them. Just because Allah permits polygyny doesn’t mean it’s for them. Your guy sounds like he’s looking for perfection, if he’s very fussy. Is finding a righteous wife high on his list of what he wants for a wife?

    About “black magic or jinn or both”, I think most people in the world today are afflicted with it and that’s no lie Red Neck Laughing I’m at the point I want to run from people. There aren’t many good people out there in comparison with the bad.

  • Anisa umm Imran

    October 5, 2014

    Asalam wa Alikum

    subhan Allah sis ana … i had seen some of those posts on that other place and when i tried to come and tell you the blog was closed …. i do believe that we will all be answerable on the day of judgement and that means everyone even those who do bad by you

    i wanted to wish all of you eid mubarak and hope that you all had a good day

    polygyny can be a good thing if done right and i have to say that i am more pro polygyny now than i was a couple years ago

    for us at the moment it doesnt seem to be going our way … i am starting to believe that maybe just maybe he isnt suppose to get married again … cos each time he finds someone he maybe interested in she turns out to be afflicted with either black magic or jinn or both …. i do believe that their is a reason as to why Allah has placed these women in his path and that they are their for him to help them better themselves and with the will of ALlah be cured

    i have even tried to help him in his search but subhan Allah he is so fussy

    anyway i do believe that if he is meant to have another it will happen wither it is now or when he is older

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2014

    I think Ina and Didi have a lot in common with their situations. They have husbands with wives who had or will have big weddings with long drawn out planning and the wives carry on as though they are the only wife. Is what they do wrong or not correct Islamically or is it okay??? Mari2’s hubs and his intended has had a long engagement, as well, with an upcoming wedding.

    I think it’s easier on the first wife when the woman joining the family has a simple, quick wedding. I understand how a very young wife would want all the thrills and frills of a big, hoopla of a wedding the same as the first wife probably had. I think the husbands simply go along with the wives to be’s wishes, wanting to keep the peace.

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    You must be so excited about your holiday to Turkey. I have hope of going there. It’s one place I have on my places to go list. What a wonderful trip to take with your mum, as well; imagine the memories you’ll have to cherish always. I pray you and your mum will be safe in your travels, and have a wonderful time. I find packing the most stressful part of traveling. I’ve gotten way better at it over the years. Insha Allah, enjoy yourself on your vacation!

    I understand how your hubby wants to come to your home, while you are away traveling. I think the men need all the alone time they can get. They are constantly moving back and forth from home to home. They need some peace and relaxation. They need to catch a break.They need the time to just kick back and unwind. The wives always get a break. Some women find it a most welcome break at that.

  • Laila

    October 5, 2014

    Hi Maidlover. I just read you really short and to the point post. Personally speaking though, why is your wife suddenly the most undesirable and difficult? There are many instances where my husband is not the ideal man for me, but I take things in my stride. The problem with men is that, if you plan to re-marry, please have some sort of respect for your current wife. Please bear in mind that she married you in the beginning stages of your life and gave you beautiful children. Why is she unsympathetic? Why have you looked out of the marriage looking for the ‘perfect’ woman? Im not against you re-marrying, but I draw the line at bringing your wife down. That my friend, is mean and just not acceptable. There can never be perfection. There can never be the ideal, full package wife. Are you perfect? have you tried to mend your relationship with her?

    Dear Ana. Im leaving for Turkey next Tuesday. I will be away for 8 days and I am travelling with my mum. Funny thing is, hubby still plans to come over to my home eventhough I am not going to be around. Ive told him that he can use that time to be with her. But he is still adamant. Im busy with packing and getting war clothing.

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2014

    polygamy 411

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    I will relate to our readers and commentators some of what occurred before I closed the blog, so you will all have an idea how the blog became what it is today from what it was yesterday, Polygamy 411 has a different format today and the information I share is different. I will try to be as brief and concise as possible. Insha Allah, I won’t have to revisit this matter again, meaning I won’t have to address it once again or I will refer people to this comment.

    Before I closed the blog in August 2014, I received a couple of threats from people who knew my true identity. They threatened to go to the police and other agencies. I basically ignored it. During the time I was inspired to temporarily close the blog, and begin some work on my businesses that I had been neglecting. At the same time I learned my true identity, my husband’s identity, and links to our personal information was on another blog, and had been there for weeks unbeknownst to me. I didn’t frequent the other blog. Any information from the other blog was brought to me by others. (Note: most of the information with regard to my husband and my identity has since been removed – Allah knows best).

    Nonetheless, I closed the blog, thinking I’d close it permanently. I pulled information off the web that was in my control. The people on the other blog had set out on a campaign to have my husband terminated from his employment. There was nothing much they could do to me as I’m self-employed. They revealed information about my businesses, which was free advertisement in my sight. Once getting past the shock, I realized it was all good. My husband and I are just fine and their evil stratagem was to no avail. Allah protects the believers.

    What saddened me is that people went to the extreme of trying to destroy a life – someone’s career and livelihood. It’s something they would never want to happen to them. They put 1 and 1 together to get 2. It’s fine and good – keep what you discovered to yourself. It’s different to put 1 and 1 together to get 2 and broadcast it to the world knowing the person wouldn’t want that information out there. Those people who did it blog anonymously, but felt the need to put other people on blast (broadcast their private information). They thought what they did was a big accomplishment. How sad. Allah didn’t let their efforts bear fruit. Allah will deal with them and what they set out for me and my husband may become their fate or something worse.

    What was most shocking was a number of people who were here on polygamy 411 actively participated in the evil plot against my husband and I. Our dear Laila here along with a couple of our other regular commentators were victims of their evil acts, as well, A post was written about Laila on that blog that consisted of all lies. The people of the blog not only twisted the information about people on polygamy 411, but flat out lied. Allah says they only deal in conjecture and lies.

    I learned two regular commentators from this blog were ring leaders in finding out my husband and my real identity, and publishing it. Another party whom I know somewhat personally, who I know is not able to tell a truth, participated as well. The two ring leaders had been on polygamy 411 blog for years. I had communicated with one privately by email on a friendly basis. The very one who did not want something like what happened to me done to her participated in the act. A person who brought no good to this blog, but I allowed to boast, brag and gloat here for years on this blog was instrumental in trying to bring about my husband’s and my destruction. Furthermore, I learned she had left out important facts about her own husband, when blogging here, and led us to believe he was something that he was not. Instead of this person, who proclaims she is a professional coming to the forefront and saying – for instance: what you are doing is wrong, unethical and immoral, she took the low road.

    The other person was someone we all tried to help on this blog, and be supportive of. When her husband divorced her, she was about to be evicted and ended up moving to another State, I was here trying to figure out how I could get money to her while being incognito. I thank Allah much that He did not let it come to fruition. The person left Islam when the husband left her and thought to try to bring me down in her misery.

    All of the above was a good learning experience for me and a wakeup call. I thank Allah much for allowing it all to unfold as it did. Allah tells us how to deal with certain people, and not to deal with certain people. I failed to take heed. Allah says that he will give us warning, but soon will come His punishment. I don’t want to feel His wrath. I take all that has happened at the hands of those people, as a warning. I let my guard down and went to sleep.

    Some may find I am more firm in my dealings with certain people here on this blog, and more direct in my posts. It’s necessary. Someone wrote on the blog yesterday that she didn’t like my new way of writing and don’t agree with what I said. She said it was her first time writing and she would never write again. I say, GOOD RIDDENS. Don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you. I deleted her post. It was no lost for me. I intend to speak the TRUTH.

    Allah has given Satan agents. They are real. They are here in the form of people who are up close and personal to us. We have seen it on this blog. Laila said there comes a time when we need to read between the lines when people write on this blog. She is correct. I believe we can move forward together. We could all continue to share and input, and seek help and advice here with no repercussions. We should simply exercise discretion when we write and only write what we are comfortable writing. I ask Allah to make this blog a means for us to do good, not evil. It’s a fresh start for all of us. With it said, “Happy Blogging.”

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    I am really happy you are back with us. I totally understand your sentiments. I think for some of the new readers and writers I need to clue them in on some of what went down prior to the closing of the blog, so they maybe will understand how we are and where we are today. I am on my phone now, so will have to wait till I get home.

    I hope all goes well for you in reconstructing your assignment. I know how frustrating it could be when setbacks occur. It’s all good though. Insha Allah, you’ll do just fine and the final product will be better than the original.

  • Laila

    October 4, 2014

    Dear all. I think many of us have been silent due to the mega crap that went down right before the blog went down. I have personally e-mailed Ana and Ive told her of my fears and how I feel that people will again take advantage by extracting information from this blog and use it to fuel theirs. They are superbly good at twisting facts and run on mere assumptions. Due to what was said, the last, I was hurt and sort of surprised. Many of us got together to support one another and share little snippets of our lives. Polygamy is not everyone’s lifestyle. How does one learn, share or even let off steam? Ive been extremely quiet and not out of fear but rather out of disgust. Why? Because any of whom I thought were ‘friends’ were actually having their own alternative agenda. It baffled me to no end when these same group of women decided to create havoc not just for me but also Ana. It may sound that I am sort of taking Ana’s side a bit too much but really, what sort of crazy does that? When the same poison was fed to them, they too went…. silent. I am here today and I too want to clear the s*** that went down. If any of us girls have questions just ask away and I will answer. But I hope that since I am back, please don’t make assumptions. Nobody has the time to write a mini novel. Some facts had to be shortened and it was understood that everyone had the intelligence to sort of read between the lines. No Ana, I hope some of them do not return. This refers to a group of sisters that I thought was ‘sisters’. So no, I don’t need a kool aid. Keep it to yourself!

    I apologize if my message sounds a bit angry. But Ive had enough of fake people. I don’t know how they put a fake face and pretend to be supportive.

    Didi, all I can say is, get things straightened out. Don’t just sit quietly and expect a miracle. If you want something so something about it. Talk to him and her. Since she is married to your husband, you are all one family. Thrash it out and talk facts. We women tend to go off the rails when we are upset and emotional. Also learn to ignore him too. I do that when I feel that things are out of line. It works wonders.

    AAAAAAAAHHHHHH…… My Masters assignments are a killer! My laptop crashed earlier and I had to get a new one and now I am typing out a new assignment AGAIN.

    Wish me luck.

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2014

    Didi, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    We’re glad to be back up and running, as well, and I am very glad you’re back with us not only reading, but writing. I know writing for the first time on a blog is intimidating. I remember when I wrote on a blog for the very first time. LOL It was a creepy feeling. It took me a good minute to get used to it. After a while, you won’t give it a second thought. It’s therapeutic and I find it’s fun. It’s addictive, as well.

    About his first marriage that took place behind your back, know it’s common for many men to say terrible things about the first wives to get other women to accept marriage to them. It helps women marry married men when they somehow think they are special and the first wife just doesn’t do it for the husbands any longer. The woman who accepts marrying a married man has really been deceived, many time or duped into the marriage. She should know that if the husband doesn’t divorce the first wife, he doesn’t love the potential wife enough to make her his “one and only”. He may say the first wife has a sickness, is crazy, will go crazy, will kill him or whatever, if he leaves, it’s all hog wash. Maybe your husband’s other realized the truth that he love you and wasn’t going to leave you, which is why she got to steppin (left the marriage). Allah knows best.

    So, you’re married to a mini-celebrity, huh. It’s way cool. I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through so much and are in such pain. I totally understand how hurtful it is for you to see him and her on the web and places with their fans. I can’t even begin to imagine just how painful it is. One would have to truly experience it to know.

    It sounds you are handling it far better than you think. You’re still up and functioning. You wrote in and don’t sound from your writings to be totally distressed. Could be Allah is helping you through this better than you think. Things will get better for you; as long as you are turning to Allah for help you pass this test and relying on Him, you’re going to be okay.

    As difficult as it is, you have to not go looking around to read about them. I know how hard it will be for you to refrain, but you must. Satan will keep telling you to go there on the web, just this one time. He’s (Satan) is good at what he does. You have to resist the temptation to go there. You may not resist the first time or two, but if you ask Allah to keep you from there, He may very well do so. He has the power to do all things. No good can come from you reading about them, and looking at the pics. There is no good whatsoever in it.

    Should you leave him? I think you’ve gotten the answer already and for now the answer is – no. You said you asked Allah to help you pass the test with flying colours and somehow leaving just doesn’t seem like passing the test. I think it’s a sign. You have doubt about leaving, which is an indication you shouldn’t leave – at least not now.

    Ask yourself what you would gain by leaving him. Anything? Did he tell you that he doesn’t love you anymore, and wants to go off and be a Rock Star with his new babe, without you? I don’t think he did. You really have to ask yourself what benefit there is, if any, for you to leave the marriage. You’re married to a celebrity. Is he caring for you financially? Does he still show you love and attention; although it may not be exactly as much as you’d like for now? You said you’ve helped him become what he is – you and your family did. So, why after all that hard work and time expended give him up? Why give it all to someone else as easily as it. Sigh Noooo, I don’t think so.

    You don’t know what will become of those two once the hoopla dies down or even if it doesn’t, the marriage could end as easily as the first one did. Allah knows best. I say, hang in there if you can. With hardship comes ease. Keep turning to Allah constantly. Don’t entertain Satan’s whispers. Allah remembers those who remember Him. Allah is the only ONE who could pull you through this. If you feel you must go (leave the marriage), Allah will make it easy for you, if it is best for you. Keep asking Allah for the answer and for guidance. Make sure you’re offering your 5 daily salats, read the Quran, as much as is easy for you, even if it’s just 3 ayat a day, zikr.

    {{{hugs}}} We are here for you.

  • Didi

    October 4, 2014

    Assalamualaikum All.

    Hi! I’m soo glad the website is back up. I’ve been a ‘silent fan’ for yeaarrss, reading and learning from others’ experiences, but have been too afraid to write in. My husband has been polygamous twice now. The first time happened behind my back. Apparently he convinced the girl to accept him by speaking badly about me to her. She believed him and they got married secretly but it went sour after a year and they divorced. Now he’s married again, but this time around, he did it differently. He forced me to accept the union, had a big wedding celebration and the pictures went viral in the country that we live in (because the two of them are mini-celebrities) and the worst part of all is..at least for me that is, is that they have all these fans, these girls rooting for them! It is causing me unbearable pain. Even now,several months after the marriage, pictures of their public events are still popping up all over the internet..and all these pictures are mostly accompanied by comments rooting for them. It’s like I’m invisible. When he was down and out, I stood by him and my family helped him out. Now that he’s famous and has some money, he’s acting like my family doesn’t exist. I have considered leaving a million times, but why should I make it easier on them? Also,before he was married, I have prayed fervently that Allah helps me pass this test with flying colours, and somehow, leaving just doesnt seem like passing the test. Haha. Pls help

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2014

    Polygamy 411 wishes everyone a blessed Eid Ul Adha

    polygamy 411

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2014

    @Ruqayyah, Hey there, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’ve been thinking of you, and hoping you’d stop in and chat with us. I missed you :-)

    I like your take on faults and how the husband should cover and protect the wife. Husbands and wives should have each other’s back. It is something we probably all need to work on with regard our spouses – ME TOO. I’m glad you brought it to our attention!!!

    About your husband, he doesn’t know what’s happening. He just as confused about what’s happening as you are. He doesn’t know what he wants. I think we place an unnecessary burden on ourselves when we try to figure things out. We have to learn to let go, and just let things happen – let life take it’s natural course. When there is no call for action, we just have to stop over thinking things and let it beeeeeee.

    I could imagine how good it must have made you feel to hear your husband own up to some of the wrong he did in the handling the last relationship. We live and we learn it. It’s what life is all about. Life is way easier for us, as we know what we’re here on this earth for – our purpose in life. Allah u Akbar!

    You’ve got your head on straight, Ruquyyah. Keep your focus on Allah as best you can. Put your faith an trust in Him. I’m with you about not knowing whether we’ll be alive tomorrow. I find myself saying it more often now. It helps keep everything in it’s proper perspective.

    I pray Allah gives you the best in this world and the best in the Hereafter, as well.

    Oh, my goodness, you speak no evil, too – I just saw your avatar.

  • Ruqayyah

    October 3, 2014

    @ana I love your advise to maid lover. You are soooo right men need to stop blaming their wives cause everyone has faults the beauty of a good marriage is you look past their faults for the sake of Allah and love them anyways and protect them from outside hurt and pain. I can’t stand when men backstab their wives and other women fall for this poor helpless man with the horrid woman who is unloving etc. I don’t get the appeal of a man who can’t handle a wife but hey that’s just me. If you want polygamy maid lover just say it. Don’t build up a defense just cause you know your wife will be angry because highlighting your problems to begin polygyny will only create more problems as your new wife will disrespect your current wife just as you allowed her to. Part of being a husband is protecting thr faults you see in your wife and burying them (that means from your other wife too) you shouldn’t hold onto your spouses problems and use them to justify your actions. This goes for wives too also.

    I’m glad the blog is back. For me I hate being in limbo. One minute he is against polygamy the next he may want it some day.It makes me nervous about making long term plans with him as at any point he can change the game. But I’m working on putting my trust in Allah, we may both die tomorrow. Alhamdulilah at least he admitted his mistakes in going behind my back last time and even went as far to admit that everything about it was wrong Islamically and just in terms of common sense on how to build a good relationship. Sometimes I feel men forget their actioms make a marriage also and the responsibility isn’t all on the wife. I pray Allah gives.me good in this life and the hereafte, and for all of you too

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2014

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Insha Allah, some of our regular readers will come back. The terrible things that happens on other blogs, I will not allow to happen here, God Willing. You are absolutely correct; we have to put our faith and trust in Allah. Allah says fear Him and Him alone. In re-opening the blog, I was mindful of Allah. Allah protects the believers. People could set out to bring us harm, but Allah doesn’t let it come to fruition, if we put our faith and trust in Him and obey and worship Him. I try my best to. I want to be much better.

    It’s nice you are back with us ummof4 – Ms.Speak-No-Evil LOL. Your avatar is cute

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2014

    maidlover,

    I’m glad to hear you liked the post “I’ve Got It Maid”. I won’t be able to re-post it, as I deleted all the old posts/threads. They were written over a period of 5 1/2 years. I thought it best to write new posts, as I’ve learned a lot about life, people and Islam over the years. I believe in a fresh start. I totally believe everything happens for a reason although it may not seem good at the onset. I think a new blog with fresh material was needed.

    maidlover, you said your maid is more sympathetic and understanding than your wife. Well, I suppose she is. If you’re thinking about marrying the maid, I assume she’s interested in marrying you too. Of course the maid is going to present herself as being everything you think your wife isn’t, so you will desire her and want to marry her. Everyone puts their best foot forward, so to speak, and is on their best behavior when she or he wants something. Was your wife not sympathetic and understanding when you first met and married her? Now several years married and three children later, your wife doesn’t do it for you anymore? So now she’s a baaaaaad person?

    If you’re interested in the maid and want to get with her, just say you’re interested in the maid and want to get with her. Don’t pick apart your life with your wife and badmouth her. Don’t look at all her faults and flaws to justify you marrying this maid that you are interested in. Believe me, your maid has flaws and faults, as well. You just haven’t known her long enough and probably don’t know her intimately to know who she really is and what she is really like. Don’t blame your wife for the desires you have for this maid of yours. It’s not your wife’s fault. Take responsibility for your feelings and desires. Don’t dump on your wife.

    If you have any questions, please feel free to ask or talk if you want. I hope I didn’t offend you by being blunt. I just believe in keeping it real. Many men say their wives isn’t this, that and the other and he needed to marry another, yet they never divorce the wives. They don’t divorce the wives, as they love their wives; they simply want a new adventure or want another family. Just say so. Don’t lead that maid into believing she is better than your wife. It’s the wrong way to begin a polygamous marriage.

    If you’re going to marry this maid, let her know you still love your wife and will not divorce her. If the maid could accept you under those conditions than perhaps you should continue your pursuit. If she can’t deal with you loving your wife and wanting to continue your marriage with your wife, then you need to let her go. Polygamy is about accepting a husband has more than one wife. Your wife shouldn’t take the backseat for the maid. Men create many of the problems in polygamous marriages because they concern themselves only with what they want, and will lie or do whatever it takes to get it.

    maidlover has a cute avatar, as well.

  • maidlover

    October 3, 2014

    I am looking for previous post I ve got it Maid why it is not available It would be nice if you add previous post Instead of focussing on new one I m in a same situation me and my wife have 3 kids but maid came along there were problems my Wife cooked up so planning to marry maid she is more sympathetic and understandable than my wife So Please include I ve got it maid

  • ummof4

    October 3, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and Hello to all,

    My avatar is interesting. I also think that the mouth could indicate speak no evil. I do try to live by the hadeeth that says speak good or keep silent.

    Mari2 and Ina, you seem to be doing well in your eemaan and keeping yourself focused on what is most important- each person’s relationship with Allah.

    Ana, I like that you have decided to keep the comments on the post restricted to the topic of the post. Sometimes people would be all over the place.

    Ana, I trust you and do not believe that you will reveal any of our private information to the public. So for those of you who are reading and are skeptical about returning, put your trust in Allah and come back to the group.

  • Mari2

    October 2, 2014

    Ana and Fatima,

    I’m fine. All is good Mashallah.

  • anabellah

    October 2, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    I know I’m confusing some of you by the changes I’m making to the blog. After reviewing everything, I think it’s best to open all the posts for comments, but restrict the comments to the topic on those posts. The “Discussion” posts will still be for general discussions. It would get complicated for people to read the post with a topic, and leave to go to the “Discussions” area to comment on it.

    I apologize for the inconvenience. Insha Allah, you will all bear with me while I’m trying to get the new blog together. Thank you very much!

    ~Fatima~,

    I moved your last comment over to the most recent post that you commented about. Insha Allah, I’ll be back shortly to comment about it.

    @ alison,

    I pray you’re feeling better. Don’t mention commenting on a phone. I know all too well how tedious and crazy it can get. While I was out today, I tried three times to write here. After I typed it all, it got wiped out. The third time, midway through, I gave up. I said I’d exercise patience and wait till I get home. Sigh

    alison, it is so sweet and generous of you to share the Eid day with your co. I pray Allah blesses you tremendously for being so thoughtful and kind.

    I know it must feel weird with two of you now instead of just you, but it’s all good. Sounds Allah blessed you to have a nice co. Know it is truly a blessing to have a sister-in-faith as a co. Thank Allah much!

    @ mamahutsana,

    I love your name. I’m so happy you are back with us. I was thinking about you and the new sisters who had just come to the blog before we closed. I’m so glad you’re back with us. I know many here are very busy with businesses and families. I’m just happy you can be here when you can. Oh my goodness, you have the cutest avatar thus far LOL

  • mamahutsana

    October 2, 2014

    Salaam walikum my sisters I miss you all so much my life is very hectic my hubby just opened me the new shop am very busy not even have a slight time to myself legal one go to internet

    Alhumdulila
    Lots of love

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2014

    Fatima, YO LOL As Salaamu Alaikum,

    All is good with my hubs and me Alhumdulliah!

    I think it will take time for many people to know we are back up and running. The output was confusing. It looked as though it was a temporary shut down, and then permanent. It will take time for the word to get out that we’re back.

    I’ve learned some of our regulars are fearful to talk, knowing some envious, hateful people set out to harm me. They should know I would never let anyone do on this blog what those people did to me. It’s bizarre. I would never go looking to investigate someone (from a blog) to find out their true identity. I don’t care about other people that much to waste my valuable time doing such a thing. Anyhow, I’m a well known international figure now and I love it Happy smiley once getting past the shock of it all; it’s all good. Allah u Akbar. Do you know how many people try to get their info out there so they’d be known? There’s a saying when it comes to celebrities: “There is no such thing as bad publicity”. Anyhow, it’s all good. I believe Allah promises are true. Those who plot evil for others, the evil will hem in the author thereof. Those who set out to hurt me and failed, they’ve got something coming their way, and it is not pretty. Allah’s promises are true.

    Brother dk, is off to Hajj. Insha Allah, all will go wonderfully for he and his wife.

    I pray all it good with Mari2 and Ina. As long as they stay focused on Allah, it will go well for them.

    I’m wanting to write another post this evening, but we shall see.

    Anyhow, it’s always nice to hear from you Fatima. If the old crew doesn’t return. Allah is a Doer of what He will; Insha Allah, he’ll send a new crew. Anyhow, I’ll write while it not way hectic for me while doing other things.

    Chat with you soon {{{hugs}}}

  • ~Fatima~

    October 1, 2014

    Hi Ana..
    What happen to this room? All the lights are out and everyone is sleeping in here??
    Im at work and wanted to drop a line..
    Hope your day is going well.
    Mari2.. what happened to you? I hope you are doing well also..
    Alison?? DK?? INA? FICTION?
    Where’d You all go?? Lol
    Maybe everyones just buzy…