Polygamy 411 September 2016 Discussions

Polygamy 411 September 2016 DiscussionsWelcome to our polygamy 411 September 2016 discussions. The polygamy 411 blog and support group is for all who have a positive interest in polygamy. We invite all to join us here to talk about the subject. Feel free to discuss how it relates to you.

Our blog is not about how well anyone writes. It is not about punctuation, spelling, grammar, correct or incorrect English, or any of those things. Writing skills do not matter to us here. We urge all to express themselves in a way that is easy for them. We allow our writers to use symbols, as well.

When reading the polygamy 411 September 2016 discussions, please be mindful that we are global

Please remember that people from all around the globe are here with us. For many, English is their second language. It’s amazingly awesome that they write here. We only need to know how difficult it was and is to learn our own language to know what it takes for people to learn a foreign one.

I’m fascinated by the readers and the writers here. I admire anyone who can speak or read a foreign language. I’m grateful for all the wonderful people who come to this blog. I thank Allah for it and for them.

I am so delighted to have you all join our polygamy 411 September 2016 discussions

With a few exceptions, we welcome all on the planet to our home. We will not accept anyone who is against polygamy. We will not allow anyone to come here to ask people to hate it. This is not a blog for those who reject polygamy as a way of life. For those whom we welcome, please share with us as much as you would like to share. Share what you are comfortable in sharing. We’d like to know your thoughts on what you read here, as well.

Most people feel uneasy when they write on a blog for the first time. I remember the first time that I wrote on one. It felt strange. I felt as though people knew who I was. Today, many know who I am. It’s okay. In fact, there is a kind of freedom in being known. Let loose. Don’t worry so much about what others think of you. Be you. There is only one of you.

If you’ve missed reading any of the August 2016 discussions or would like to refresh your memory, the link to the thread is:

Polygamy 411 August 2016 Discussions

polygamy 411 September 2016 discussions

polygamy 411 September 2016 discussions


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342 Comments

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2016

    This thread is now closed September 2016 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All,

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the September 2016 discussions and welcome in October 2016.

    Please join us at: Polygamy 411 October 2016 Discussions

    October 2016 discussions

  • anabellah

    September 30, 2016

    Umm of2,

    In fact, I was thinking of closing this thread out early, so I don’t have to think about it LOl I put the October one on a timer. I still want to make sure it gets posted correctly because I’ve scheduled posts in the past and they didn’t post. Oh, well…

  • anabellah

    September 30, 2016

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Sis Umm of2

    It’s so sweet of you to remind me. It was really weird the last time when we all forgot lol. I was getting ready to post the new thread at midnight last night. I get the days all twisted up. It’s crazy LOL I actually can’t wait till after midnight so I can post it and forget about it so I can then just chill out. So, I’m counting down. Again, thanks for the looking out. I appreciate it much. :-)

  • Umm of2

    September 30, 2016

    Salaams sis Ana. I think it’s time to open the October thread. I know we all forgot last month just wanted to send a quick reminder:)

  • anabellah

    September 30, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I couldn’t find a problem with the mobile version. On my cellphone (android),  I’m offered to “view full site” or “view mobile site” and it displays nicely both ways.

    Please let me know it you continue to get the same problem and I’ll look into it further.

    If anyone else is having the same problem, please let me know.

    Thank you!

  • anabellah

    September 30, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Insha Allah, I’ll check into it and will get back to you. Thank you much for letting me know :-)

  • Jasmina

    September 30, 2016

    Ana 

    for some reason when I access your blog on my phone it’s a different design and it won’t tell me the latest comments like the normal design does. Is there a way I can modify the view?

  • Karima

    September 30, 2016

    Alhamdulellah Ummof2

  • Umm of2

    September 30, 2016

    Karima
    You handled the situation commendably well. So proud of you sis. And look at the good that came out of it. You’re more aware of Allah therefore focusing all your attention on Him and doing everything for Him and loving Him more than anyone or anything.

    “With every test there’s a blessing with every blessing there’s a test” -ummof2-

  • Karima

    September 29, 2016

    yes Ana !!! I agree

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2016

    I watched a disturbing video about Saudi Arabia and how it treats the people who live in that country. I can’t believe the royal family hoards all the wealth that is supposed to be for all the Muslims and many of the Muslims are living in squalor and poverty. Muslim sisters are out on the streets begging. Sadly, in the United States there are MANY Muslims who follow the teachings coming from that country and falsely believe the information is correct simply because the Kabah is there. It’s sooooo wrong.

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2016

    Karima,

    You sound so happy and at peace finally. Alhumdulliah! :-) It’s so wonderful and I’m so happy for you. Keep up the good work. You may still have some ups and downs but they should be easier to get through and the downs won’t be as often in due time. Before you know it, you’ll find you’re happier than ever before, Insha Allah.

    I agree with you that you should let her and him figure out their situation now. You’ve got enough going on with raising your children to be good Muslims etc and with the project that you have going. It’s so good you’ve got yourself busy with your own business and are doing something rewarding for you. Alhumdulliah!

    There is nothing that says co-wives must be friends. We should be cordial to one another, but it doesn’t mean that we have to be best friends.. If you don’t want to be bothered with her, you don’t have to. If you don’t want her calling you, it okay. You don’t want to say: Look itch, don’t call me anymore or I’ll block your @$$. Just tell her, for instance, that you’re trying to adjust to the changes in your life and you need the space to do it. Let her know that you don’t want to communicate with her on a personal level at this time, but maybe things will change in the future, if it pleases Allah.

    I don’t blame you for not wanting to be a sounding board for what is happening with her and your husband. Nor do you need to hear her tell you that your husband has someone else on the side besides her, and all that jazz. You’re trying to have peace of mind and peace in the heart that can only come from remembering Allah. You don’t need to get caught up in a whole bunch of drama that does absolutely nothing for you other than will bring you down.

  • Karima

    September 29, 2016

    May Allah shower you with much blessings my beloved sisters and Ana you are always on my mind may you stay around for a loooong time isnhallah to help and support us?

  • Karima

    September 29, 2016

    Alahmdulellah my sisters I am content and at peace. I know she existed I didn’t imagine stuff and she is still around. If husband wants to marry her I will go along and don’t plot against her. I’m not that type of person. If he doesn’t want to marry her and ends it alahmdulellah. I only hope he won’t be on and off with her, torturing her and damaging his own soul! I don’t want anyone to go to Hell for our sins alahmdulellah it’s so refreshing to find peace. !!! Allahu Akbar!!!! I submit to Allah s degree and though this journey of pain n hurt lasted for 6-7 years I am over it now and learned so much about Islam due to that and much about myself and what I need to work on to purify my soul. That’s the hardest purification. And finally I understand what Ana was saying I can find so much joy and happiness if worship Allah love Allah the most and not Husband!!!! 

  • Marah S

    September 29, 2016

    Karima, 

    Im so happy for you! I just want to give you a virtual hug https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif. All you’ve wanted all this time we’re answrs and alhamdlillah Allah revealed to you what you needed to know when it was right for you to know it. You didn’t have to sneak around and spy or anything. It’s what Ana and the sisters have been saying all along. Allah will reveal to you the things you want when and if you are meant to know them. Isn’t it amazing how that just happened. 

  • Umm of2

    September 29, 2016

    Butter 

    men practise polygamy at all ages 20’s 30’s and that’s not midlife so I really don’t think age has much to do with your situation at this point. It’s just happening. Focus on “acceptance” rather than trying to figure out “why”. 

  • Umm of2

    September 29, 2016

    Butter i haven’t reached midlife either and frankly don’t believe in the crisis thing. If your hubby is considering polygamy try to understand it’s permissable in Islam and avoid blaming it on a phase (midlife crisis) Make dua to Allah for the strength to endure it. 

  • Karima

    September 29, 2016

    Salam to all

    Ana todaY was my first presentation of the new project im working on And to my surprise it was a full house Alhamdulellah!!! I am flYing in the 7 the sky and I’m thrilled happy n exited n very tired lol. But that’s because of my private situation too due to husband and his other. Husband is normal as always we are fine Alhamdulellah. What’s interesting is that the girl texted me today after my presentation that I don’t need to worry and H is jerking around with her as always.  Don’t think I felt good to hear that. In fact I felt sorry for her and husband that he is not handling it well. I called him n told him she contacted me and said he doesn’t understand why she keeps contacting me!!!! I told him I don’t usnerstand either especially since I’m giving my blessings to them only for the sake of Allah ! N basically cause I don’t care like before. I’m content all is out no lies. Let h and her deal with their situation. What do U think? I told her sorry I can’t help more than that and I’ll block her .

  • Jasmina

    September 29, 2016

    karima

    what a breakthrough. That’s awesome, it’s so great when life moves along. Nothing stays stagnant.

    it really is refreshing to read some good news from you, in terms of things moving forward.

    this doesn’t mean he will marry her, that is only up to Allah. As ummof2 said, spouses are made in paradise or something along Those lines. If they do marry, the. Know it is the decree of Allah. And Alhamdulillah your man won’t be committing haram, if you love him you would want him and you to be together in jannah right. Maybe this was all a test for him and you and it will end soon. Who knows, enjoy the journey.

    lol no Ana wouldn’t beat around the bush if she didn’t like you. She is super nice these days, lol. She always was but ages ago she would say things bluntly. It was the best advice I got from her though back then as she was always on target. But now she is really gentle and that has helped me so much deal with the tough days when I just needed a virtual hug haha. But like before she gave you advice with a bit of tough love and she was on target so you get what I mean. I love Ana too! 

  • Jasmina

    September 29, 2016

    Butter

    we haven’t reached midlife yet… Hubby engaged in polygamy from young age. Sorry can’t help

    :p

  • ummof4

    September 29, 2016

    As-Salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Butter, I agree with Ana.  We have responded to you, and it does not seem that anyone here sees a connection between polygyny and a mid-life crisis.  I even gave you another theory in my response.  Most of the ladies here do interact with non-Muslims on a daily basis, and many of us reverted to Islam, so we don’t have anything against non-Muslims.  We just don’t agree with the assumption/theory that polygyny is brought on by a mid-life crisis.

    I pray that everyone has a rewarding day serving Allah as He commanded us.

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2016

    Alhumdulliah, you had a great day, Karima. Such wondering news. I’m so happy for you. I pray Allah is well pleased with you and with all of us. Insha Allah, we’ll chat again soon.

  • Karima

    September 29, 2016

    Love u Tasliyman

    i care about all of us to be happy n content according to Allah s will

    i will come back later today was a great day for me!!! Alahmdulellah 

  • Tasliyman

    September 29, 2016

    Karima, 

    You are one of the few people who are always open to advice even if the advice is not what you want to hear or hard to digest. 

    Just for record – I like you too https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2016

    Sis Umm,

    I’m so happy to hear it. I was told that before, but your opinion means a lot! Thank you…

  • Umm of2

    September 29, 2016

    Sis Ana I cannot put this book down. This is what you call a five star best seller and I’m not even halfway through. 

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2016

    Love u, too, my dear Sis

  • Karima

    September 29, 2016

    I agree with u regarding Butter:(

    love u my sis 

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2016

    I surely hope your husband doesn’t have more than the one you know about. Anyhow don’t think about that now. You’ve got enough on your plate. If he’s got more of them, it’s his problem. Don’t make it yours.

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2016

    Dear Karima,

    How in the world could anyone stop liking you? It’s ludicrous. You’re such s sweetheart with an endearing personality. It would probably be hard pressed to find someone who dislikes you unless the person was just jealous or envious.

    No, I didn’t have a problem with you. I just come across as hard sometimes. I ‘m getting better though. I almost snapped, crackled and popped on “Butter” this evening, but restrained myself TO A DEGREE lol & sigh

  • Karima

    September 29, 2016

    sorry I meant I can handle it alahmdulellah 

  • Karima

    September 29, 2016

    Ana thanks for sharing your deep personal moment/feeling there. Honestly I thought for a moment u ” stopped liking me” I have this problem of wanting everyone to like me, sometimes I lose myself for that…

  • Karima

    September 29, 2016

    Yes this thing can’t go on. It feels stange and liberating that I can’t handle it somehow without crying and getting overemotional.  Ahamdulleh I don’t love husband in a sick possessive way I used to:)

    just one thing disturbs me.  Why she would tell me he is lying to her and to me that we are the only women in his life when he’s sleeping around with others??? She said she saw messages from other women on his mobile. I told him that he refused n I believe him. First I told her actually propably he s fooling around in general sometimes and she  agreed. She could have said no it’s only with her that he is!!!! Ok let him keep marrying them, he has till number 4!!! Lol

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2016

    I’m so happy for you, sister! :-)

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2016

    Karima,

    We’re all working on ourselves together. I get down on the prayer rug crying and imploring that Allah makes me a better person and purify my soul. I’m so scared of going to the Hell Fire. The descriptions that Allah gives in the Holy Quran are horrifying.

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2016

    Karima, Wow! You took a big step. You did so good. I’m impressed. I have a good feeling about it. I have a feeling that you will see your marriage and your life improve drastically.

    It’s going to be a heck of a journey and it may get tough, but you can do it. She seems to be nice, which is a blessing and should help make it easier. You’ve got us here to help you along the way. Big {hug} for you :-)

  • Karima

    September 29, 2016

    Salam thanks Ana i misunderstood Yesterday some stuff And over reacted. I chatted a lot With the other we didnt Attack each other. I said to her n husband later on its his/their matter . I am not standing in their way . She kept saying he loves me n i come First. I kept telling her I feel his heart n mind are always somewhere else. I saw we have common pain n worries. She said she doesn’t want to take him away. I said he can do what he wants but this thing can’t go on like this. Either they marry or they end the. Affair. It’s haram . I only asked from husband. To make salah regularly. Anyway I think I’ll survive this whole precedure is necessary to reach to the end of what’s written for us . I am willing to give it a try , polygamy , I told them both! Now it’s up to husband . I’m not playing games nor I’m a person scheming. I see he wants loves us both Propably or he would divorce me or end it with her all this time. Let him solve it. I don’t want to cause additional stress problems to anyone. I’m under a lot of pressure for several stuff. The right attitude is to accept it for the sake of Allah so i want to do it for that- still it’s just words but I should change my thinking and purify my heart or I should divorce. We shall see. Thanx for your help Ana! Marah S thank you too. I have a lot of work to do on myself n purifying my soul…. It won’t be easy n it will take time

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2016

    Awww, Sis Umm of2. I’m so happy you received it. It was soooo difficult for me to write it and having to re-read it so many times for proofing. I found myself sometimes crying and sometimes laughing. It gives me joy just to know that you have a copy of it. Thanks for letting me know. :-)

  • Umm of2

    September 29, 2016

    Sis Ana I just received your book the silent tears of polygamy :) I’m so excited to read it but nervous as I know it will bring many emotions out of me. I was crying just reading the table of contents. May Allah give me the strength. Thank you so much. I shall cherish it forever 

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    No one here cares about any “Midlife Crisis!”

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    Butter,

    What makes you think you can get what you’re looking for here? You apparently don’t get it . No one here has excused a husband’s conduct by attributing it to any “Midlife Crisis”. Have you seen anyone come forward? Why not hold your plea for a discussion about it over on the site that posted the article?

  • Butter

    September 28, 2016

    Anabella, You just don’t get it, do you. The article I shared did not tell us how to live our lives according to something other than our religion. It described something that happens to people. It described some behavior. You can say the behavior described in it is un-Islamic if you want, but just because it is described by someone who isn’t Muslim doesn’t mean that it isn’t a relevant description. I wanted to find something that succinctly and systematically described a midlife crisis. That’s the best one pager I know of. I’m not asking anyone to accept it as something Islamic, but I am asking if anyone experienced anything similar. I’m asking if anyone can provide a description of something similar happening to a Muslim in the context of polygamy. 

    And no, I did not come here for unsolicited advice and I actually don’t welcome advice from online strangers whose background, character, intentions  and education I don’t know. If I want religious guidance I will ask for a fatwa from al-Azhar. What would help me now is something descriptive of someone’s experience.

  • Umm of2

    September 28, 2016

    Concerned lol

    i know how it is trying to get someone to see something the way you see it. Going back and reading your posts educated me from a much needed perspective thanks again. 

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    “And he said: “For you, ye have taken (for worship) idols besides Allah, out of mutual love and regard between yourselves in this life; but on the Day of Judgment ye shall disown each other and curse each other: and your abode will be the Fire, and ye shall have none to help.”
    Quran: Surah 29, Ayah 25

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    “Say: If it be that your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your mates, or your kindred; the wealth that ye have gained; the commerce in which ye fear a decline: or the dwellings in which ye delight – are dearer to you than Allah, or His Messenger, or the striving in His cause;- then wait until Allah brings about His decision: and Allah guides not the rebellious.”

    Quran: Surah 9, Ayah 24

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    Karima,

    Allah in the Quran tells us that with regard to a man, among his wives and his children are his enemies.

    It doesn’t mean that his wives or children set out to harm him or kill him. It means they lead him astray from the path of Allah because they try to get their desires satisfied. They try to get what they want and care nothing about Allah. Allah says that if we follow the lust of our heart (not necessarily meaning sex, but desire for anything other than to serve and worship Allah) we will go astray.

    I hope this has shed some light on it. It’s difficult to give someone fairly new to Islam in-depth amount of info. and expect them to grasp it all at once. It’s impossible to do.

    People think that when we say Satan gets people to worship something other than Allah, we’re talking about idols (statues etc) and praying to them. It’s not so. People can be idols. People worship their spouses, children and others, not by praying to them, bowing down to them etc, but by putting those people or things before Allah. They make those things more important than Allah.

    Allah should be first in our lives. The only way He could be first is if we read the Quran seeking to live it and Allah gives us understanding of it.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    Karima,

    You said, ” If i was his lord i would know everything about his work finánces friends future pláne etc. I know nothing. ”

    I must not have been explaining myself well, and I apologize if I’ve confused many. I don’t literally mean that the person has become God, Allah Himself.

    We need to remember that Allah has created us to serve Him and Him alone. When we try to please other people and go against Allah or disobey Him, then the other people we try to please become somewhat like a lord. They become our master. Allah should be our only Master. Allah in the Quran ask what is better to have one Master or many who are at variance with one another.

    If a husband has four wives, all of those wives will pull the husband in different directions, trying to get what they want, unless they all, including the husband, serves and obeys Allah.

    Those wives could lead the husband astray because they’re trying to get their desires fulfill and the husband is trying to satisfy them all, instead of trying fulfill his obligation to Allah. The husband needs to stay conscious of Allah and determine what it is that Allah says for him to do in all conditions and circumstances.

    Instead of your husband going forward with the marriage to the woman, which he can do, he’s concerned with you and the kids and what you want despite the fact that he could have you, the kids and the other woman. He’s going along with what you want and is unhappy because he’s not getting what he wants.

    Of course, if Allah wants him married to the other woman, nothing can prevent it. Perhaps Allah wants your husband agonized for His reasons, which is why your husband is going through what he’s going through and is being lead about by you.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

     

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    Karima,

    If you recall a post by Concerned, she said that a husband usually loves a first wife more because she has given up a lot seeking the good pleasure of Allah and not for worldly gain. This is how it usually works: The first wife, not wanting to go against what Allah has allowed for men, doesn’t stand in the way of her husband marrying another regardless of how much it hurts and pains her. She’s doing it to not go against Allah. She’s not doing it to make her husband happy. Nonetheless, the husband becomes happy. He loves his wife deeply and dearly because she was selfLESS. He has her and the other woman whom he loves. He is a happy man, for the most part, despite the challenges, troubles, and problems etc that comes along with it. He has the women he loves and is living out a privilege that Allah has granted him. How could he not love a woman who loves Allah and loves her husband (hopefully) less than Allah. She puts Allah first. She get her heart purified of all the base emotions etc. Allah relieves her pain and suffering. She comes out a winner.

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    Karima, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I like the post that Marah S wrote to you. I’ll try to expound on what she said as well as answer your questions as briefly as I can given that there is a lot involved with your situation. There is no quick and easy answer, and the problems won’t be resolved overnight.

    It would be beautiful if a husband told his wife that he will marry another woman, and the wife (maybe not gleefully) understanding our way of life, accepts it. She knows that her husband wanting to engage in polygamy is Allah’s decision. Then with the permission of Allah, he marries the other woman, and it works out for all involved. We know it doesn’t work that easily in real life for most.

    I see the problem with you and your husband as individual, but its effects spread to each other. I can’t tell you to leave or stay in your marriage. I can’t tell you to stay and suffer in it. You shouldn’t have to do that. You’ll have to wait and see what Allah decides for you and them.

    I can tell you what I’ve been telling you and saying to all on the blog all along. Polygamy is a part of our way of life, and we should accept it. Allah allows polygamy for men and no one should take that privilege from them. Allah doesn’t like when someone gives Him partners or makes anything material or human equal to Him. It’s shirk – the most heinous sin a person can commit and one that is unforgivable, if a person doesn’t repent before his or her death.

    What does it say about a man who has to get his wife’s permission or ACCEPTANCE of it before he will marry another woman whom he wants to marry when Allah has already given him the permission to do it? He in essence has made his wife an equal to Allah. If she says no, some men will suffer and not do what he is allowed to do because he allowed her word to supersede Allah’s word. See where I’m going? The husband will account to Allah for putting his wife above Allah.

    It’s not your fault that he listens to you, puts you first and suffers while doing it. It’s his fault. You’re part of the problem in that you haven’t accepted something that is part of our religion. Therefore you suffer right along with him and the person whom we think he wants to be with. So, it’s what you need to work on – accepting the whole Quran.

    It would not do you, him, nor her any good for you to tell him to go ahead and marry the other woman when you’re not sincere about it. No one has a right to tell you to suffer through it. Allah allows divorce. A person should suffer through it when she knows what she’s doing it for and the rewards that may be achieved. It’s why some women are here taking the challenge.

    Your husband has to work on himself and not put you before Allah. How could he be happy in life putting you before Allah? He’s disobeying Allah. Allah doesn’t reward with good those who disobey Him. Allah says put nothing and no one before Him. Of course, your husband is suffering.

    I’d prefer my husband marry another, taking advantage of a privilege that Allah has given him and I suffer through it while trying to get my heart purified and we all possibly come out winners.

  • Marah S

    September 28, 2016

    Karima,

    in my opinion I think your husband does loves you. You have to stop telling yourself that he doesn’t love you because it’s very obvious that he does and he’s scared to lose you and the kids. Now you have your answers, they are not married but they have an on and off relationship. The reason your husband is so distant is because he’s unhappy himself, he’s being pulled two different directions by two women that he loves. He’s probably stressed and tired of it all, I know I would be. So you should be understanding of his struggles as well. And based on what she told you I would guess that the reason your husband is not open with you is because he doesn’t have all the answers about his relationship with her either. She says that they’re on and off meaning the relationship isn’t stable and he himself might not know exactly what he wants. And then there’s the aspect of you and the kids. He knows he doesn’t want to lose you and he may feel that even though you say you want to accept polygamy now, you’ve changed your mind before, he’s scared that when things get tough you will take the kids and leave.

    I don’t think you are to blame for any of this, his unhappiness is due to his own lack of strength. But you should try and make things easier for him. You should reassure him that you love him and because you love him you don’t want to see him destroying himself and his soul by committing Zina. Tell him him that you understand polygamy is a halal way of life and you are willing to try and live polygamous if that’s what he wants but he shouldn’t go on like this, it’s in his best interest to either let go of the relationship with the girl once and for all or marry her and make her a legitimate wife. He also needs to come to terms that your relationship may not work out in the end whether he becomes polygamous or not. Everything is in the hands of Allah if Allah has written divorce for you in the future than nothing he does can stop that from happening. It’s just the truth and the reality of things. And it’s certainly not a reason to commit Zina. If he’s committing Zina because he’s afraid of divorce then that’s his own flaw, you are not to blame. He has to put Allah before his marriage.

  • Concerned

    September 28, 2016

    Ummof2

    Im sorry too. But you know whats funny. I told my husband about our discussion and the one with “butter”. I asked if he thinks I was wrong. Do you know what he said……”you might be right but you should stop telling people what their thinking” (insert shocked face) maybe I do it often. I didnt think I was doing that but apparently I do. 

  • Karima

    September 28, 2016

    Of course u have. life too! World doesnt revolve around me!!! 

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    karima,

    I know it’s all overwhelming. It’s a lot to take in. Take it easy. You’ll need to contemplate it all. Insha Allah, a bit later I’ll get back to you with more of what I think based on your questions. I have to go get some stuff done right now. You probably need sleep. I think you’re about to go to sleep when I’ve just gotten up and beginning to move about, if I’m not mistaken.

  • Karima

    September 28, 2016

    so are u saying i am in the way for their happiness n love? N i should Leave him? Cause he is weak to say i dont love u . I keep Telling him i love u little after all his n im here for the kids:( 

  • Karima

    September 28, 2016

    i need to think. Thanks Ana. Ill re read ur posts. Im overwhelmed at the moment

  • Karima

    September 28, 2016

    yes it was december. But in the Summer in said he can do as he wishes. So he feels i will Leave him n he keeps Lying? So i am the bad  guy here?

  • Karima

    September 28, 2016

    Ana what should I do then? Im not fine With the whole thing. Lie that im ok With it? Should i just say marry u Guys n i wont ask for a divorce? Maybe i wont maybe i will. I dont know…. U think i feel good that we suffer? I dont feel i Hold the cards here. If i was his lord i would know everything about his work finánces friends future pláne etc. I know nothing. Pls advice me where u think im missing the point. Am i in the way for their happiness?

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    Karima,

    You said you don’t like the way your marriage is, as it seems that you and he are simply going through the motions. You think there should be more to life. Those weren’t your exact word, but I think I’m close. Of course he is going to be upset and bitter, too. He is torn about what to do. He’s not happy. It may seem he wants nothing to do with her when he tells you to call the cops. Again, it sounds to me that he is just fearful of losing you. He’d rather you call the police then lose you unless he’s just calling your bluff when he says it. He probably has told her not to call you under any condition or circumstance because he doesn’t want to lose you. He should know that you wouldn’t call the cops because you received a text. Do you know how busy the police would be if they had to respond to every text or tweet that someone received that they didn’t want?

    He may not be as nice, kind and loving to you as you want, as he sees you as part of the problem.

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    Karima,

    I’m a little confused with the timeline. When was the last times that you told her and that you told him that they should marry? Was it December?

    I don’t understand what info you’ve been trying to get from your husband about the two of them. It’s clear to me based on what you’ve said that he’s either married to her now and not telling you or he’s not married to her and it’s all out of fear that you will divorce him.

    As long as he fears that there is even a chance, any chance whatsoever, that you may leave him, he’s not going to do right by her or by you. You, she and he are going to continue to suffer.

    He has made you his lord by allowing you to control him and is ruining his soul as a result of it, and he may find himself in the Hell Fire.

    You could continue to deny the part that you’re playing in the thing and blame it all on her and him if you want to and it makes you feel better, but it’s not solving the problem.

    He’s not strong enough to just divorce you and go be with her, nor strong enough to marry her and do right by her even if ot means you walk (divorce him).

    Of course she is bitter, upset and angry about being jerked around by that man. Wouldn’t you be, if you were her? She loves him. I don’t doubt he loves her to.

    You have all your answers. They were there all the time.

  • Jasmina

    September 28, 2016

    Ditto Ana.  Yes that would give me a lot of closure.  If u do talk to her without your husband present then record the conversation. 

    Its not about her but you as well. I’ve been reading about your pain with this for a long time now. InshaAllah things are easy moving forward for you. 

  • Karima

    September 28, 2016

    Everybody hurts. Husband too cause he s hurting her n me too!!! This thing goes like this since 2009. Let them marry. How worse it could get?? Lol! I don’t plan to plot against her neither interfere with their business. I’dont want to know anything at all!!! Either way they are together on n off.   I only hope she won’t try any tricks. She sounded bitter n kept saying me n the kids come first.  She doesn’t count! So H is that afraid of losing me n the kids? But why? I don’t talk back i don’t pick up fights I don’t shout, but very rarely!!!  N I would never turn the kids against him. Still she repeated many times he is afraid of losing us if he married her. Well I told her that was the past. Now they don’t need to worry I give them my “blessings” we can try polygamy n see how it goes

  • Karima

    September 28, 2016

    Salam sis Ana

    I spoke with her. She said they are not married but are together on n off. She asked me why in December I agreed that he could marry her n then I said o I can’t accept it n I’ll divorce if he does that.! I told her I thought I could do it but I changed my mind after some days I couldn’t give permission. Then she said they are still together on and off. N she s fed up from his lies. I told her I feel it that she s still around n I’m really fed up from this stress. I told her I told him in the summer better to marry her than keep doing Zina. If I can’t handle it We ll divorce. But maybe i could learn to live with it. I told her pls not to bother me again until after their marriage- if it will really happen- to talk about the schedule n all. Then I called th e husband he was schocked she contacted me cause he made it clear to her we would go to the police this time. He asked did u tell her we’ll take her to the police? I said no what’s the point. Either she s obsessed with us and can’t let go of the past with him , either she really loves him n wants him as a husband. I told him the same things I told her. Bottom line he said they are not together some months now n are not married either. We were all calm ahamdulleh. I told him if u want to marry her go ahead n we see afterwards how we can cope with it.  Or really stop it cause u are destroying ur soul by making Zina. Either way I don’t want to hear from her. It’s your business solve it. I won’t interfere.

    he said he doesn’t need my permission but I should know if he plans t remarry. That how it goes he said. But he is not married to her now . 

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    Sis Karima,

    The main reason I suggest you talk to her is to get answers. It sounds that she is in a great deal of pain, which you think she is as well. What woman wouldn’t be in pain the way your husband is treating her. She probably sent the pic to prove to you that she is or was in a relationship with your husband and maybe to hurt you as well. Unlike some co-wives (if she is one) she did say some nice things to you to let you know she’s not all bad.

    I’m just thinking that if you want to move forward once and for all and not keep wondering what it is and what’s going on talk, find it out and then make your intent to cease talking with her all together or continue.

    Ask yourself if you’re looking for her to chase you by not responding to her so you have the upperhand. Once you know more about her, you could make a judgement call as to whether she’s the type of person you should be bothered with.

  • Karima

    September 28, 2016

    I don’t know if she became Muslim sis Jasmina! Yes my husband is a heartache lol. This whole experience made me put Allah first love him more n put Husband at the last place in my heart . Our days are calm he treats me fine he’s a great dad.! Can’t cry for the past need to move on. I put my trust in Allah. I wish u the best my sis

  • Karima

    September 28, 2016

    N she’s been blocked from everywhere she just found me from the new fb page I made which is open n public about my teaching project!  She could be a psycho but she could also be in a lot of pain.  Why I have to be the one who is always considerate of everyone’s feelings here? N try to put myself in their shoes? What about my feelings?  Anyway thanks for your comment sis  Jasmina! I’ll put my trust n Allah n at the moment wait n see if she’ll contact me again

  • Jasmina

    September 28, 2016

    Is she Muslim? It sounds like she isn’t Muslim but who knows these days. No one in their right mind with good intentions plays games like that sending photos and causing trouble. It’s been going on for a long time. If it wasn’t for the fact you have a child/ren then I would tell you to forget about that type of men, they are heartache for a long time. But since that’s not the case then fight for your marriage.  I don’t know details of your life so can’t say much other than share my experience. 

  • Karima

    September 28, 2016

    UMmof2 u are sweet!!!

  • Umm of2

    September 28, 2016

    Karima I second jasmina. Be the adult in this situation. An opportunity presented itself. Take advantage

  • Karima

    September 28, 2016

    Salam

    sis Jasmina! I responded to her all the times she contacted me! In December she sent me out of the blue a picture of her hugged with my husband n we texted n all.  She said I’m too good for him n he’s lying to me n her n betrayed her. She said she doesn’t want to hurt me n all. When I asked her then why u are contacting me, what do u want from me? Her answer was, I won’t tell u. Do u still think I should sit down with her n that I didn’t give her a chance to come out on the open? I don’t like u saying I am a cool cucumber and that I m accusing her of trying to break my marriage … U are right my husband is weak . I tried all approaches with him. I wanted all of us to sit down n talk. He refused. I wanted a divorce he refused.  We give our rights to each other.  Originally I was against polygamy  now I would give it a try. I don’t pretend here.  I think I am correct I don’t want to hurt anybodY n take advantage of anybody i don’t want to sound the victim cause we all are hurting here… I’ll wait n see if she’ll text me again. 

     

  • Jasmina

    September 28, 2016

    Yes I had a lovely time, it felt nice for a change to be pampered. We stayed with some relatives and experienced some new things as a family. If you recall my husband doesn’t spend much time with us, and in this period away we all bonded so much. My son even learnt more from him in two weeks than he did his whole life lol. 

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I agree with what you advised Karima.

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    Dear Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    It’s okay. You contribute much by commenting. I says without you valuable writers this blog wouldn’t be what it is. I thank Allah much for this blog and everyone here. You’re such a darling person. I’m so happy you’re here and we’re friends, my dear sister. :-)

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I pray your little one gets better soon. May Allah heal and bless him.

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    Umm of2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    No problem, Sis. We all misunderstand one another every now and again. I apologize as well. It’s all good. :-)

  • Jasmina

    September 28, 2016

    Karima

    why don’t you talk to the girl, you have been so stressed not knowing what’s going on and now that she reaches out to you, you are a cool cucumber and worse accusing her of trying to break up your marriage. Come on. Sorry sister but I find it like she’s rubbed your ego by contacting you and you holding back but for her to contact you is clearly because she isn’t happy and it will probably hurt hurt more if she’s doing it behind her husbands back. Since your husband doesn’t have the balls to do the right thing then I think you need to talk to him and her and hear them both out and take it very serious and decide your next steps after that. If its a game she is playing then that will become very apparent and in that case I advice you to block and ignore her and believe your husband as she may be a crazy stalker. if she says look I’m married to the same man as you, 1,2,3 and this is what’s going on then I think you need to be mature about the whole situation and not get emotional yet otherwise your husband will hold back again and not be open to you. I’ll tell you one thing if she they are married or even if they are not and she remains just on the side she will be the most desirable woman to your husband allahualem because he misses her all the time and doesn’t have the stresses of family and marriage like he would if your shared him properly.

    js

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I understand there isn’t much you can do about it other than what you’re doing. Keep hanging in there, Sis.

    It was nice you and the hubz had a chance to get away together for a couple of weeks. :-)

  • Jasmina

    September 28, 2016

    Yes Ana

    its definitely a case of taking others as lords and my husband is under a lot of stress with this. It’s really been obvious lately as we took a two week trip and he was suddenly the man that I met, relaxed, kind, confident and now that we are back then he’s changed completely. 

    I don’t know how to address this. I’m not the problem in his life, that has become apparent. I wish I could make it better for him but I can’t do anything other than to leave him but why would I do that if I want him. 

     

  • Umm of2

    September 28, 2016

    Salaama ladies

    My apologies concerned I guess I misunderstood you in some of your posts and then at a point I felt you were trying to “read me” lol and clearly overreacted. Thanks for educating me from a first wife’s perspective it’s all good. I in no way was trying to attack you

    sis ana I’m not trying to put on a front by stating my co wife and my relationship how it is today vs back in the day I simply try to shed light on some turn of events that we overcame to give some newly married ladies here hope that things do get better we all go through that crazy stage. That’s it I really don’t see a benefit if I said we get along now or not. Maybe I should not have

  • Karima

    September 28, 2016

    I would like to say that this blog has helped s lot of women all over the years I am sure!!! It definetely has helped me a lot in ways I cannot say no one else has!!! 

    I just don’t understand the people who come in an agressive way n attack sometimes. If they don’t like it why they come her? Or what do they expect?  According to what we write n what we share, Ana and the sisters will try n give their opinion and advice.  We can take it or leave it. I just think good manners n politeness is important. Sometimes I find it strange that people come here or in other forums talk n then disappear. Maybe they didn’t hear what they wanted to hear?? Again I repeat my self by saying i prefer to be slapped with the truth than be kissed with a lie. But then again is just me. The biggest gain I got from this blog is to do things to please Allah. If everything is for Allah we can’t do that bad! Well I am trying alahmdulellah . I really wanna thank again all the sisters especially Ana who in my. Case has been for me here n sorry if I’m not commenting to others , other sisters do it much better than me Mashallah

  • Karima

    September 28, 2016

    Salam dear Ana, yes THank You i appreciate Your time And advice!! I’ll see how things go… I’ll let u know :) I didn’t tell Husband that she texted n don’t plan to at the moment. I’m busy with work projects and my little one is sick ! Alahmdulellah !!! I pray to Allah to reward you for all the support and help you offer with this blog. Mashallah and Alhamdulellah 

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    I could see someone mentioning it (a midlife crises), but wanting to talk about it in depth- really? I don’t think so.

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    Mara S,

    I could see if Butter came here telling us about the problem she’s having in her relationship and asking for advice about it, but not giving us an article that has nothing to do with our way of life and want us to work with that. It goes against our religion. In essence, she wants us to contemplate ignorance. It’s counteractive, especially for a Muslim to come here talking about it.

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    Correction: I really shouldn’t say he has wronged you, as I don’t know that he has. We simply know he’s not communicating with you about her in a way that you would like.

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    If you really want more information, then talk to her. Only Allah knows if you’ll get the truth from her or him. At least it will be more than what you’ve got thus far from your husband.

    If you want absolutely nothing to do with her, it’s okay too. But, then, Insha Allah, move forward and not speak of her to your husband and expect nothing from him about her, no explanation or anything. Make her non-existent in your world by blocking her out as best you can.

    I sense he’s been wronging her the same as he wrong you. If she’s a wife, he should acknowledge her as such. Maybe what he had with her is over. Allah knows best.

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2016

    I second your emotion.

  • Karima

    September 28, 2016

    Salam Ana

    i dont have more info to share with you at the moment! Really that’s all she texted me ” I want to speak to you” . I didn’t ban her her from my page, at least not yet! I should ignore her and I I’ll try to. I havent contacted her or did anything to her… for her to contact me after all these months out of the blue is disturbing.  Alahmdulellah I’m not shaking not even yesterday didn’t feel knife in my stomach and I was able to sleep.  We ll see what she will text me next time n take it ffrom there.  She could be doing it on purpose so I get upset n have fight with H about her , so he can either run to her more often ???? Or that I get fed up of her /them n. Leave Husband? Or she wants to upset n hurt me? Or she is in genuine pain n discomfort that he is not divorcing me/ that she can’t have him all of her????  Really what’s the reason behind all this?  Does it worth It to enter into. Discussion with her? She could text all kind of lies… Husband won’t be in front to confront her. Of course maybe she is a victim too and Husband is the bad guy!!!! I just want peace . But most of all the truth

  • Marah S

    September 27, 2016

    I’ll never understand why someone comes on these type of blogs to ask for advice, then gets so angry and defensive when the advice isn’t what they want to hear. These people need to ask themselves whether they’re looking for honest feedback and advice or if they’re just looking for validation. 

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2016

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I had a very fun and relaxing time on the vacay. Alhumdulliah! :-) I’m looking forward to the next one, probably in May, Insha Allah, anniversary time again.

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2016

    Karima,

    Why not ask her what you need or want to know? Ask her what type of relationship she has with your husband. Ask her if she wants to be your cowife? This is a prime opportunity for you to get answers.

  • ummof4

    September 27, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Butter, welcome to the blog.  You surely know how to make an entrance, LOL!  I am not quite sure what you want from the ladies here on the blog.  I believe you want some feedback about husbands going through a mid-life crisis and becoming polygynous.  Most men that I know that have become polygynous did so before the age of 50.  So I don’t know about the mid-life crisis and polygyny.  My husband first married a second wife at the age of 31.  

    A husband who marries a second wife after 45 (mid-life) may not be going through a mid-life crisis, he may now be able to financially support more than one family.  It just took years for him to reach that point in his life, he has been wanting another wife for years.  

    Muslim men who have a great deal of Islamic knowledge and men who have very little Islamic knowledge become polygynous.  There’s no way to predict what men may become polygynous, regardless of what the men may say or do.

    So, Butter, stay with us, and maybe we can be of some assistance to you.

    Ana, hope you had a ball on your vacation!

    Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2016

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m out on the road and on my phone, so this will be short for now. Based on the little that you said, you don’t have a legitimate reason to go to the police about her. She hasn’t threatened you and she’s not harassing you. She only sent you a text. I don’t know what the text said. I suggest that you simply ignore her. There’s nothing for you to go to the police about. Once you ignore her, she should leave you alone. Your husband could tell her to leave you alone as well.

  • Karima

    September 27, 2016

    Salam

    Ana I just got a message in a new fb page I manage regarding the teaching I offer , from the other woman. From the woman who has not contacted me since December! From that person I don’t know if she’s the second wife or the lover or whatever…:(  In March she sent me 3 silly emotion pictures in fb messenger n I didn’t replay. December was the last time I heard of her. It took us months to get over it, n now that I’m starting to feel better most of the times n trying to do stuff with work n all , here she comes again! Husband said if she’ll ever contact me again I have the right to let the police know:) yeah right!!! She only texted me ” I need to speak to you!!” ! I deleted her text immediately n didn’t say a word to h. We are lying in one couch each with our mobiles in our hands lol. I hate this sowmtimws but it’s a reality! Anyway please advice thank you 

  • Butter

    September 27, 2016

    Thanks MS for your analysis. I’m actually not so concerned about stage 3, because strangely enough, he is pretty self-aware about it and has even expressed that he knows it is a temporary stage that he is in (without having read anything himself about midlife crisis to influence him). So I am confident of getting through this stage. But I’ve been one step ahead of him in anticipating what comes next and have even told him that I know what he is going to do and say before he does it, and he hasn’t failed me yet in that regard! LOL. But if indeed he is going through the stages as outlined, the real hard part comes in stage 4 and I am just trying to prepare myself for that. That’s all. Everything I have read about it assumes that in the end that the man HAS to make a choice between two women, but in Islam with polygamy, he doesn’t have to make that choice, and he seems to think everything will settle down and be fine once he get past this stage. Inshaallah he is right but I’m just interested in hearing any stories others may have.

  • Concerned

    September 27, 2016

    Ana

    I should have took your heads up. You called that one right. 

  • MS

    September 27, 2016

    Apologies about how LONG that last post was haha. My spacing didn’t turn out right so it’s such a hard-to-read blob of text . Eeek https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

  • MS

    September 27, 2016

    Hi Butter,

    My greatest apologies if what I said sounded harsh.

    By saying that the mid-life crisis “shouldn’t” happen to muslims, I didn’t mean to deny that in reality it did. That was an accident. I don’t think I selected the right words there.

    I didn’t mean to suggest that there’s something wrong with your husband or that he’s lacking in knowledge and faith.

    I also realise that my post was a theoretical look at mid-life crises in general (not specific to your situation), which was not helpful because you’re looking for practical advice.

    I’m very sorry about my mistakes and misunderstanding.

    I’ll try to give it another go:

    Based purely on the article you linked to, this is what I currently understand about your husbands situation (assuming it’s identical to the men the article is describing):

    1st stage:

    He’s feeling down because he’s getting older, he can’t physically do the things he used to do, he doesn’t believe he looks as good as he used to… The realities of ageing are upsetting him.

    He then does things to try and delay the ageing process.

    2nd stage:

    He feels angry at how his life has turned out. He feels stuck and bored in life. He feels like a failure. He blames others for his situation, from God to his spouse.

    He wants to run away from the situation. He thinks a change in his life will bring happiness.

    3rd stage:

    The article focuses on the man starting an affair.

    He justifies it by believing that he’s missed out on so many things by being a responsible adult, and now he finally deserves to have some fun.

    He believes that the woman he’s having an affair with is everything he wanted all along.

    It’s a fantasy of course, but he won’t realise this until reality hits and then he becomes depressed (stage 4) and is forced to stop ignoring his issues.

    Ok, so that’s my understanding. I realise that it’s not accurate to your husband, but I’m just going off what the article said.

    Here’s 1 practical suggestion that I can think of. It’s the advice I received regarding what to do when facing difficulties:

    1) Grab some paper.

    2) Write down what the problem is.

    3) Read through the Quran. After all, one of the reasons the Quran was sent down was to offer solutions to the problems of humanity.

    4) Copy down any verses that are relevant to your situation.

    5) Start implementing the ideas from those verses into your life.

     

    I think this advice could help your husband learn ways to resolve his feelings, and help you figure out how to best support your husband during this difficult time of his.

     

    For example, here are some verses that I spotted that might help someone facing a mid-life crisis:

    “Let man consider the food he eats! We pour down abundant water and cause the soil to split open. We make grain grow, and vines, fresh vegetation, olive trees, date palms, luscious gardens, fruits, and fodder: all for you and your livestock to enjoy.” (80:24-32).

    This verse may help a mid-lifer focus on what they have, rather than feel upset about what they don’t have (eg. youth).

    – A verse to put life’s difficulties into perspective in the grand scheme of things:

    “He (Allah) will say: ‘what number of years did you stay on earth?’ They will say: ‘we stayed a day or part of a day’….” (23:112) and “On the Day the Hour comes, the guilty will swear they lingered (on earth or in the grave) no more than an hour…” (30:55).

    This might help a person realise that their troubles are temporary and will end, because life itself will not last long.

    – Sura 76 reminds us of the eternal youth, beauty, wealth and happiness that believers get in Heaven. This may help a mid-lifer get over the fact that he isn’t enjoying these things now, but he can have them in the hereafter Insha’allah.

    Another thing is that sometimes difficulties are placed in our lives as a punishment for our sins. So when troubles arise, we should look at ourselves and ask ourselves ‘am I sinning?’, and do our best to cut out those sins.

    I hope this answer was more useful and I wish you and your husband the best Butter :)

  • Butter

    September 27, 2016

    I came here neither to nitpick at your posts nor to get advice. I came to LEARN from others’ experiences. 

    I have figured out one thing though, there’s likely no reward from God for either of the two of us in continuing to interact so I will follow Ana’s lead and cease to discuss with you. I’d love to hear from others though who might have some personal insight into the intersection of midlife crisis and polygamy. 

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2016

    She’s one of those who come to aggravate everybody here. That’s why I’m not speaking to her anymore

  • Concerned

    September 27, 2016

    Butter

    I have not come in with the woe is me or wallow in misery, it must how you feel or what ur dealing with. I do enjoy life with my HUSBAND, I didnt need her to ‘fix’ anything with me or our husband, unlike you. My marriage is a happy one Alhamdulilah. I tell you point blank SHE does not benefit me except to practice patience, which I hope to be rewared for. She does absolutely nothing for me, she only takes FACT. She is entitled to that, if Allah takes from me and gives to her in worldly matters GOOD, because I gained in ways that in shaa Allah will benefit me in the next life.

    Yes, sometimes I add humor to my posts, whats your point?. If you cant laugh at your co wife, who u gonna laugh at lol (thats a joke).

    Have you come here to nit pic at my posts or get advice. I suggest you stick to getting advice. 

     

  • Butter

    September 27, 2016

    What reward do you get from God coming here and describing your cowife as a fly to be swatted? 

    And I never said that acting for a reward from God is wrong, but acting for reward from God does not mean we can’t also enjoy this life with our husbands in halal ways. It’s not the former that I feel depressed about, it’s your insistence that the latter is not even permissible or that you simply don’t experience it. Life has its trials and tribulations but we don’t need to wallow in misery and woe is me all the time.

  • Concerned

    September 27, 2016

    Furthermore butter if not achieving worldly gain is that depressing its a wonder your not in a crisis. 

  • Concerned

    September 27, 2016

    Butter

    You seem so hostile. Lets talk about polygamy, I think it could help you. Its not just your husbands crisis is it? 

  • Butter

    September 27, 2016

    What made you think I wasn’t turning to God already? Your assumptions about others are so so negative and downright wrong.

    But turning to God is not enough, our deeds and actions in our interactions with others are important too. How we choose to act is important too. Yes, choice. God tells us we have the power to change ourselves.

  • Concerned

    September 27, 2016

    Butter 

    What you wrote is wrong on so many levels. You come here and tell me that ACCEPTING a polygamous marriage is depressing if you dont get or cant see or dont want any worldly gain. Are you for real. Doing everything for the reward from Allah is the only REASON to do anything. 

    If we want GOOD in our lives then we do it for the reward. If its not done for the reward its NOT GOOD. 

  • Concerned

    September 27, 2016

    Butter 

    from a muslim prospective you deal with it the same as any problem/hardship. You turn to Allah. We already told you that. 

    You can never ensure a positive outcome. What will happen is whatever Allah wills to happen. 

    Be a good wife by being a good muslim. 

     

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2016

    I think you misinterpreted Concerned’s post. Nonetheless, maybe Concerned will come back and let us know what she meant by it

  • Butter

    September 27, 2016

    You are probably right but there’s a post from Concerned below that says she can’t see any reason worldly reason for the first wife to stay with a polygamous husband other than for God. None?  That’s depressing. Polygamy may not be my first choice ,but my intention is to put a positive spin on it and that includes in worldly ways. We can choose to see good in difficult things if we want good in our lives.

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2016

    I don’t think the majority of the women here stay with their husbands because they have a relationship with God. They stay with their husbands because they love their husbands and their husbands love them. They like being married to their husbands and want to stay married to them. The people here are simply trying to accept polygamy as it is something that Allah has allowed for men. Hence, a believing woman is not going to interfere with something that Allah has allowed a husband to do.

  • Butter

    September 27, 2016

    Psychiatry is medicine and there is nothing wrong with medicine. But unless someone is suicidal or a threat to others, you don’t just “take” them to a psychiatrist. 

    And anyway, I’m not looking to cure him or solve his problems for him. I just want to work on myself so that I can do my best part to ensure a positive outcome for everyone, me, him and cowife, in the long run. We can only change ourselves.

     

     

  • Butter

    September 27, 2016

    And one more response to Concerned. My husband is not trying to find solutions to anything with non-Muslims. It’s me trying to understand something that can happen to Muslims and non-Muslims alike from a MUSLIM perspective. So that I can be a better wife to him, because gasp shock and awe, I actually want to continue my life with him because I love and care about him as a Muslim and a husband. I have a relationship with God too, but that’s not the basis of my staying with my husband.

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2016

    I don’t know anything about it. Other than some older men go get sports cars and young girls to make them feel better about themselves, to give them a burst of energy and a refreshing outlook on life. Although, those women are only looking for a sugar daddy.

    Why don’t you take your husband to a psychiatrist? – not that I believe in them, which I don’t.

  • Karima

    September 27, 2016

    Salam MS I liked your post! 

  • Butter

    September 27, 2016

    But what if I told you it is likely that my husband’s formal Islamic education (not internet video lectures from self-appointed experts)  is far more extensive and deep than that of most of you advising me what to do? How would that change your assessment? Not that I came here looking for an assessment of what is “wrong” with my husband and not that really it’s your place to be telling me what is “wrong” with him. But you are advising based on assumptions about his knowledge and faith that are incorrect. 

    I came here for one thing and that is to see if any had similar experiences and how they played out. 

     

     

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2016

    MS, Hi

    I’m happy that you joined us and commented. I love your explanation to butter. I, too, would love to hear more from you. Thank you :-)

  • Marah S

    September 27, 2016

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

    Butter,

    I’m sorry, I wish I could be of the more help to you. I’m not too sure of the midlife crisis thing. Whether it’s real or not I’ve never experienced it personally so I don’t know how to help your husband. All I know is that people go through struggles throughout their lives and the best way to relieve ones struggles is to turn to Allah. If you don’t like that answer then I dint know what more to say to you.

  • Butter

    September 27, 2016

    Marah, I’m not into theories. This is not a theoretical thing for me. It’s reality. There’s many forums. websites etc. devoted to the issue and the one thing you will find over and over and over, is that people say, wow, you are describing my husband exactly when another person shares their story. People describe it as a script, because it’s like they all are actually following exactly the same path, in actions and even down to the things they say, the specific words they use.

    The fact of the matter is no one has actually studied the brains of men and women going through it vs. those who aren’t to see if there is some sort of underlying physical cause or influence, so I don’t think anyone really is in a position to deny that it exists or that it should even exist based on anything that can be verified one way or another. There are illnesses that people argued for years were “all in someone’s head” and in the end when scientists actually looked into it they found a scientific explanation for it. I feel that there is a strong chance that midlife crisis is one of these things. I can’t prove it of course, but I don’t think anyone can prove it isn’t either at this point.

  • Concerned

    September 27, 2016

    Woah butter.

    I thought the response you got was pretty darn good. Im shocked. I skimmed the article you posted and saw that most of the feelings and the way they are acted out is due to issues in knowledge and belief. Knowledge and belief is what separates muslims and non muslims. Thats why some muslims be acting and feeling like non muslims because they are lacking in those areas. When a non muslim becomes a muslim their outlook on life changes. If they learn the religion they act and feel like a muslim.

    It happends/happend to some of us on this blog. Its why some of us experienced depression, anxiety,mental break downs, despair. We understood we needed to learn and read Quran not look for the answers from the non muslims. And yes those thing you mentioned are mentioned in Quran not by the medical name but by the ayahs that decribe the feelings, actions and the people who do them. And what they NEED to do to stop feeling and acting that way.

     maybe we should have said if someone is knowledgeable in the religion and has a correct belief a mid life crisis wouldnt happen.  Sometimes we think that another will know what were saying and often were wrong. 

    Maybe your husband could read Quran, listen to some lectures as a beneficial reminder, take some lessons on Islam. Were all supposed to keep learning  (the religion) for our entire lives. 

    Acting and feeling like a non muslim is a huge red flag. I hope your husband can find peace in his life. He wont find the answer with the non muslims. 

    P.s this blog is basically a place talk and remind each other. Humans are social beings and we like to get together and talk about things we have in common. 

    My husband hasnt experienced those things in the article and niether have I. 

    I hope I helped. 

  • Butter

    September 27, 2016

    I didn’t come here looking for confirmation of what I believe. Honestly, I didn’t expect people here to actually deny it happens so it was never a matter of belief for me, although I thought that maybe a lot would say, no I don’t have any experience with that, so I can’t help you.

    Islam may be perfect, but Muslims are not. Sometimes they do things that are actually against their religion, sometimes the people with the most religious knowledge that something is wrong are more likely to do it than those that are less informed. The reality is we don’t live our lives among people acting out the Quran in everything they do. We need to face reality. I am not going to bash my husband for what he is going through or judge him. He doesn’t deserve that from me. He doesn’t deserve that people here say he is  just following some western stereotype as if a midlife crisis is something that anyone would want to go through willingly. If you ever have seen it up close and personal you would not wish it on anyone.

    And everyone is different. You seem to want to pedal the notion that people stay with their polygamous husbands because they are doing it for God only, which implies there is nothing good about the husband or relationship to allow it to stand on its own. Actually, God gives us the right to leave our marriages if we hate our husbands. But some of us actually like being married to our husbands, love our husbands, have a good relationship with him, care about him and enjoy our lives together. Is that not a valid reason for us to accept polygamy? Or do we all have to be suffering through it only for the sake of God to be virtuous enough in your estimation?

    I’m the kind of person who seeks knowledge wherever I can find it, who believes in learning from others. I came here for that reason.

  • Marah S

    September 27, 2016

    I’m a little confused, I don’t know too much about the concept of midlife crisis. I always thought it was just a phrase in reference to people who are coming to an older age and get bored with the everydays of regular life. For instance a person may get tired of going to the same job everyday for 20 years and want a new career. I never knew it was a whole western life theory.

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2016

    Butter,

    If it’s what you believe, continue to believe it. Why do you need our confirmation of your belief?

  • Butter

    September 27, 2016

    And just one more point. Considering that non-Muslims can become Muslims and even Muslims can leave Islam if they so choose, I don’t think we can say that there is ANYTHING that can’t affect Muslims because anyone can be/not be a Muslim. We are all human beings. It’s just how we handle the things that happen to us that is different.

  • Butter

    September 27, 2016

    And I would like to add you are also making an erroneous assumption that men engage in polygamy solely because they “desire another woman.” Yes, all men have the natural inclination to find more than one woman attractive but most men don’t engage in polygamy, so how do you explain that most men DON’T? 

    In our case, the polygamy was precipitated by a situation for which there WAS a solution other than another wife that we considered, but the problem was that even though the solution was halal, the society around us would have not accepted it and made problems for all involved and it would have wound up putting someone in a situation where the people would not have treated them kindly, and we couldn’t do that.

  • Butter

    September 27, 2016

    With all due respect, should it exist for anyone of any religion or not? Is it right for one of some religion and not another or even for someone who has no religion?

    That’s like saying that you can’t be Muslim and be a terrorist, or harass girls in the street, because “Muslims shouldn’t do that.” But some do. That’s reality.

    Does the Quran mention schizophrenia, does the Quran mention Tourette’s syndrome, does the Quran, does the Quran mention manic-depression or any other mental illness that might cause a person to act out in ways contrary to Islam? Does that mean that these things don’t exist for Muslims?

    You can say that a midlife crisis is a western construct just used to explain something you don’t like until you actually witness it in someone who actually has no exposure to the concept to begin with that nevertheless acts, speaks and feels in strikingly exactly the same way as Christians or atheists going through the same thing. And I am not talking about the “worldly” pursuits that it entails, because these are external to the person it involves and differs from person to person. I’m talking about their feelings and how they express those feelings and how they deal with those feelings-in other words, social interactions.

    And I should point out that in the West while there are people who would argue it is real, there is as much a group of (non-Muslims) that say it doesn’t exist, that there is no such thing as a midlife crisis.  So you could say denial of the midlife crisis is as much as Western thing as recognition of it.

    If you have never experienced it, that’s ok, just say so. But if you haven’t, saying it shouldn’t exist really doesn’t help because it involves denying something that someone else is actually experiencing.

     Prayer, dua all good, but if that is all that can help us, why does a blog like this need to exist at all? Put up one page that reads “If you are in polygamy, pray and all will be ok” and nothing else on it. The day has 24 hours in it, and how we act the rest of the time we are not praying is also important for how things work out for us. I’m surprised no one has said look at the way the prophet Muhammad handled being married to multiple wives for guidance. Is the Quran the only thing we have to rely on?

    What I am looking for is someone who is willing to admit they have gone through this to tell me how it played itself out for them. Nothing more nothing less. Each person’s experience is different but I have found so far that reading about other (non-Muslims) going through the same thing has given me insight and strength to handle this in a more mature and confident manner than I otherwise would have, and that is for the good.

  • Concerned

    September 27, 2016

    MS

    I just had this exact discussion with my husband. “The mid life crisis shouldn’t exsist for muslims” was my exact words. That was an excellent first comment. I look forward to reading you more. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

    Butter

    I think like most men your husband thought he wanted polygamy but changed his mind. I dont think he will divorce either of you if things are relatively smooth running. Men are usally loyal to the many women in his life (wives, mothers, sisters,aunts, daughters) as long as they appreciate his effors and speak nicely to him, hes good. 

  • MS

    September 27, 2016

    Hi everyone,

    I’m a long time lurker and thought I’d finally comment.

    I agree with Ana that the mid-life crisis shouldn’t exist for muslims.

    It’s a concept that is very popular here in the secular, non-religious UK because people’s purpose in life is to be happy and enjoy life, and they have nothing to seek happiness in except worldly things.

    They think that wealth, multiple beautiful women, youth, a family and high status careers will bring them happiness.

    They spend their lives working hard to achieve these things, only to realise that when they finally get them they’re still as unhappy and restless as they were before.

    Then a panic arises where they’re left wondering, ‘why aren’t I happy? What’s my purpose in life?’

    This is the mid-life crisis (as I understand it, at least).

    They don’t have God or the Quran to seek happiness in.

    So they try to collect more and more (fleeting) worldly pleasures, hoping that something will change.

    They think perhaps a new woman will finally bring them permanent happiness, excitement and peace.

    This is where the British stereotype of the 50 year old man suddenly getting a hot 23 year old girlfriend comes from.

    Of course the new girl (and other worldly pleasures) cannot provide peace.

    As Allah says in the Quran (13:28), only “in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find peace”.

    Until a person focuses on finding happiness in obeying Allah and being mindful of Him, he/she will always experience such existential crises.

    That is the only way to defeat the mid-life crisis.

  • Karima

    September 27, 2016

    Salam!!!!

    im always here reading feeling for all of u crying because of Your worries pain n troubles!!! Ok, mostly I cry about my situation lol!!!!

    i love u all n I ask Allah to give us strength protect us to move on and appreciate life and His gifts even if that’s not what we dreamed of sigh!!!

    alhamdulellah!!!

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    Butter,

    My take on the “Mid Life Crisis” concept that you are speaking of is that it should be a non-existent concept for Muslims. It’s not a reality for us.

    Allah says men can be polygamous. I say, period, exclamation point and end of Story. Why try to figure out why a man wants another wife whether the man is in his 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s or beyond? What difference does it make what his reason is for wanting to be with more than just one woman, just as long as it’s not for lust? Men shouldn’t marry for lust. Nonetheless, if he does, it’s his problem. He’ll need to account to Allah for EVERYTHING that he does. We all will account for what we individually do.

    A “Mid Life Crisis” is not mentioned or cited anywhere in the Holy Quran. You said you and your husband are Muslims. Then, the Quran should be the book that you follow, not some innovation, concocted by someone who isn’t Muslim and doesn’t follow our way of life. Allah tells us not to listen to those who don’t obey and worship Him. He says don’t take heed to them.

    The “Mid Life Crisis” is nonsense. Men of all ages desire more than one woman. Allah created them that way.

    I’d suggest you forget about the “Mid Life Crisis” concept and wrap your head around the Quran. Get with it. Learn it and live it. You need to determine whether you’re going to listen to the deaf, dumb and blind or receive guidance from the Holy Quran.

  • Butter

    September 26, 2016

    In this case, our husband was definitely not the polygamous type. In fact, that is why I think this may not work out the way he expects it to at all because he simply does not have the temperament for this, and really has not faced up to that facts of what he is doing yet other than at brief moments, when he simply seems to be totally terrified by what he is getting himself into and wanting to escape it. Due to some unrelated personal circumstances we are apart at the moment for a couple months, but once all of us are together I think he is going to really have to face reality like he hasn’t before, and that sooner or later is going to probably trigger stage 4.

    We had personal practical circumstances that were beyond our control and in God’s hands that led us down this path and if those circumstances hadn’t been there, I don’t think we would be in this polygamous situation at all. It’s not that he actually wanted another wife, but what he wanted the wife was a solution to it. But then it sort of snowballed and all the other typical midlife crisis things and feelings and behaviors suddenly became part of it and it’s gotten out of his control and certainly even more mine. 

    The more I read about midlife crisis the more I think it really has something to do with specific brain chemistry or some other medically definable condition (if scientists were willing to research it), just like schizophrenia or some other mental illness has physiological causes. Because the more I read about midlife crisis, which some people say is just a Western construct and doesn’t exist, I see so many parallels that I simply can’t chalk it up to culture. 

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    About Secretary, who knows https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif her intended could already be married to the cousin and is telling Secretary that he will marry the cousin on the same day that he marries her (Secretary), so she won’t be upset https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    Nonetheless, one will get married before the other unless they will be together on that day, saying their vows at the same time etc.

    None of it makes sense. It’s crazyhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    Jasmina,

    What you described about your husband, his other and his mother coincides with what I mentioned in an earlier post about a person with many masters. We should only have one master- Allah. Your husband is being tormented because he has made his mother, his other, you and who knows who else his god. It’s not about worshiping them the way we offer salat to Allah or any of those things. It’s about letting another rule ones life and putting the others wants and needs before what Allah instructs us in the Holy Quran. Your hubby has to be agonized by it all. He wants to be married to you and probably loves you, but is torn between culture and what is expected of him by his other wife and his and her mothers

    It must be trying for you not knowing what he’s going to do. None of us know what will be tomorrow or in the future. You need to keep turning to Allah and keep putting your faith and trust in Him that He knows what is best for you. Whatever it is, you’ll be okay with the proper, correct belief.

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    Concerned,

    Thank you much for sharing more of yourself and what concerns you. I love how you summed up what Crazy first wives do. I can attest to all of that LOL. It’s how it is in the beginning and then one looks back and wonder how we lost our minds that way. Did I really do that? What was I thinking LOL https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

    It’s all a learning and growing process. Once one gets closer to Allah, it’s a beautiful thing.

    I hear Tasliyman when she said she doesn’t let stuff get under her skin the way she used to. She’s a lovely example of what learning, and growing nearer to Allah does.

    Tasliyman, Alhumdulliah! :-)

  • Marah S

    September 26, 2016

    Butter,

    I find your perspective interesting. The way I see it, for some men polygamy could certainly play into a midlife crisis. Wanting to feel young and valuable and maybe wanting some excitement and change in his life. However there are a billion reasons why men get remarried. I’ve noticed a trend in younger men in their 20’s and such looking to become polygamous as well. The easiest way I can find to understand it is that most men by nature are just polygamous, they have a desire for more than one partner. I’d rather not think of it as apart of a crisis I rather think of it as apart of human nature and reality. It’s how Allah has created them. 

    As as for how you can you help your husband, I’m not sure, you didn’t mention what the problem is in your marriage. But in general encouraging him to spend more time worshipping Allah and making dua is the best thing he could do for himself.

  • Tasliyman

    September 26, 2016

    Thanks for your reply Concerned.

    I think I said everything I needed to say in my last post to Ana. We’re all free to state our opinions.  

    Oh and no, I actually didnt want to know what issues you had. It just seemed to me from your posts as if you had some which is why I mentioned it. 

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    @Butter,

    Now, I remember seeing your post. It did go into spam before due to the link. I saw the link and deleted the post. I just now took a look at the website and it’s okay, so I’ve left the link there. You’re correct, I usually I don’t approve posts with links.

  • Concerned

    September 26, 2016

    Ana

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif That was a good summary of my many post. 

  • Concerned

    September 26, 2016

    Tasliman

    Do you know that the only time (I can remember) I specifically mentioned ummof2 was to say her co wife has good in her and her husband loves her. Everything else was what usally happends. Most on this blog have confirmed it. And ummof2 has indirectly confirmed it by her reaction. 

    1st wives know (to a certain degree) what’s up in the 2nd marriage because we (wrongly) make it our business to know. Investigating the 2nd marriage is extremely common. Most 1st check all the txs,email,photo, bank statment, call list and duration etc We also quiz the husband, study facial expressions etc. When I say 1st are crazy in the beginning, I mean it. Then the 2nd marriage gets boring, you get over it and laugh. 

    If you would like to know what issues I have ill tell you. I have never really got over the sharing germs issue. Of couse husbands wash throughly and muslim women are clean but it still bothers me. Im a definite clean freak. Im not over that. 

    Secretary situation is so different in so many ways. Yes, cousin marriages are very different. The mothers play a huge role in the cousin marriage, he cant consider not marring the cousin. men are know to lie and cheat and all kinds of things. So no, I would not consider him genuinely concerned and sincere. But I would consider a genuine concern in ummof2 case because hes remained married to her and her co was confident she could hurt ummof2 by saying shes the only reason ummof2 has a husband. 

  • Tasliyman

    September 26, 2016

    Ana, I totally agree with you on the getting married on the same day thing. I just cannot see the logic in that. 

    I also see why Concerned stated a different story for ummof2’s case. I was merely pointing out what I thought ummof2 was referring to when everyone said there’s no contradiction. 

    I also agree with you when you say people must be honest with themselves. It’s truly only then that we can heal and move forward. 

    Maybe its because I am also a second wife that I dont agree with many of Concerned’s comments and assumptions. I suppose it’s one of those lets agree to disagree matters.  Afterall that’s what keep the blog interesting.  

    I think I’ve also matured enough lately to realise that people will give their opinions. It might be right or way off the mark. At the end of the day, its just that – someone’s opinion. You shouldnt let it upset you if it’s not true. Afterall you answer to Allah and nobody else. 

  • Butter

    September 26, 2016

    Thanks Ana. I thought maybe the link I put in the post had something to do with your not posting my post. I know the woman who wrote it is Christian and believes God is talking to her, but just ignore that part and read about the 6 stages as that part of the post is really sound and it’s the best freely available writeup I know of online that explains what I want to ask about, which is male midlife crisis:

    http://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-six-stages-of-a-mid-life-crisis/

    I don’t want to get into my personal details but I wanted to ask whether anyone here felt that their husband’s deciding to be polygamous was actually part of a bigger “midlife crisis.” In trying to make some sense of my life, I have been doing a lot of reading and I have found that what people say and write and experience about a man’s midlife crisis are probably more in tune with what is going on than anything I actually have read about polygamy. However, everything written about the midlife crisis assumes the man is having an extramarital affair, and in the end, he must choose between his affair partner or his wife.

    Of course, that part doesn’t apply to polygamy. In our case, the husband has been totally open with both wives from before the search for the second wife began, and both of us are Muslim and have agreed to be in a polygamous marriage. Yet, it all appears to be exactly like a midlife crisis otherwise and I have been following advice that I have found for wives in that regard to be very helpful so far in understanding what is going on and in dealing with my husband in the best possible way to assure a positive outcome for us (he’s in stage 3). But there is a limit to what I can do, as it all assumes that the man must choose between the two, and that just isn’t how it should be for us as Muslims.

    Which is why I ask, if anyone can see in the above that their husband went through the same stages, what happens in stages 4+ when there are two wives? Obviously, in some cases the man may dump wife 1 or 2 in the end like a non-Muslim does with his wife or affair partner, but does anyone have any stories about how he comes out of his midlife crisis through stage 6 and KEEPS both wives? This is just not a scenario that one finds in any account of affairs. And what is the best way to help him get there–if anything, as most of what one can do about midlife affairs is just wait it out patiently?

    I find a million and one stories about midlife crises and they all seem to follow a script as if they are reading it verbatim, but I just don’t find any that involve Muslims and polygamy, so I feel there is a missing puzzle piece that hopefully some of you can fill in.

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    You’re right in what you said that Concerned mentioned about Secretary. Secretary’s intended wasn’t really asking permission and would have married the 2nd anyway. First, he’s not married to Secretary and she apparently isn’t all that special if the man intends to marry the both of them on the same day. Secondly, the other woman is a cousin and we know the man marries the cousin come hell or high water because his mother rules and culture and tradition rules. As I stated, I think Secretaries intended is just jerking her around the way many Pakistani men do.

    What she said to Umm of2 is entirely different because there is an entirely different set of circumstances. He was married to the first before he thought about marrying umm of2. He and the first wife has history together. He apparently loved her much to want to include her in the decision making process. Maybe, he loved her too much, which is what Concerned was saying in that the love of a wife could become dangerous. umm of2 knows that there is that strong love there, which could be why she was strongly offended by Concerned just voicing an opinion.

    It doesn’t appear that umm of2’s husband was just being courteous with his first wife because of umm of2’s own admission, the wife has said the only reason that umm of2 is a wife is because she agreed to it. Concerned was saying that when a wife agrees she sometimes blame herself for having done so. She was letting umm of2 know that the first wife may still be struggling with the position that she took and think that maybe if she didn’t agree her life would be different.

    It seems to me that Concerned touched one of umm of2’s nerves, which is why she over reacted to Concerned’s comment. Concern has been here reading silently and she knows some of what umm of2 have said in previous posts. For instance, how the first wife mistreats umm of2’s children and how the first wife acts all kind and nice to her and the children in the husband’s presence and then turns into a witch. Now umm of 2 is trying to portray a loving, darling relationship with her co. People need to be honest with themselves.

    I only see that Concerned had voiced her views the same as anyone else here. I can’t see why umm of2 went on the attack with her.

    Just the same as you said Concerned is dealing with a struggle, she said what she thought about umm of 2.

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    @Butter,

    I just pulled your post/comment out of spam. I have no idea why it went in there. I don’t check spam regularly. I just happen to check it today. Sometimes I just delete everything in spam after briefly scanning it. While I was away on vacation, I didn’t check spam at all and it may have automatically deleted. Stuff in spam delete itself after a certain number of days.

    Please resend the comment. Make a copy before hand to be safe and not have to type it again should something happen. I will look out for your comment and check spam. Thank you!

  • Butter

    September 26, 2016

    Is there a reason my post has not been approved? I’m really interested in hearing what the other women have to say about my question.

  • Tasliyman

    September 26, 2016

    Ana,

    I think the contradiction that ummof2 refers to is that in Secretary’s case Concerned says that the husband is not really asking for permission and will go ahead with the 2nd marriage regardless of what Secretary does or say.

    But in ummof2’s case she says that the husband will marry the 2nd if the first gives permission, contemplate to not marry the second if she dont give permission and even even divorce the 2nd if she gives permission and then change her mind.  

    According to Concerned it is different because it’s not a cousin marriage. 

    The possibility that the husband was just being courteous in asking is not even entertained. 

    I fully understand ummof2’s reaction. Some of those comments are totally outrageous. For Concerned to pretend that it is ALWAYS the case and that she knows what happens between a 2nd and a husband is crazy. But it reveals a bit of the struggles that she’s dealing with. 

    May Allah make it easy on all of us. In-sha Allah. Ameen. 

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    Sis Umm of2,

    In answer to your question, I think women whether 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th may receive rewards from Allah for their sacrifices, IF they make any, and definitely for all the good that they do, IF they do the good seeking the pleasure of Allah and no one else. You seem to be sincere in trying to serve Allah the same as the majority of the sisters-in-faith who write here on the blog despite the number in which they married.

    I do think that a wife who marries first and stays in the marriage seeking the good pleasure of Allah, making a sincere effort to make the marriage work and accept Allah’s decree is in a different class in that she doesn’t gain anything worldly, as Concerned noted. I’ve noticed that the husbands rarely divorce them either. The divorce of wives who married first are usually the ones in which a Pakistani or India guy married a European woman and then married the Pakistani cousin second. The non-Pakistani first wife usually gets the boot, gets kicked to the curb, thrown out like trash. He really only want to follow tradition/culture, which frowns on polygamy and they want to keep everything all in the family (again, it’s not Islam).

    As Concerned said, women who marry men who are already married gain a husband and financial support etc. Many marry for love, sex and money – the same as the first wife probably did when she first married. Many who marry in the order of second wants the first wife gone. Many plot against the first wife. In time, some may come to accept as the first wife tries to accept. Initially the additional wife goes into the marriage wanting a husband and probably wanting him all to herself. She isn’t forced to make any sacrifice. She goes through changes and has a tough go of it just as the first wife does, but it’s not for the same reason. The second goes through it all simply to hold on to a husband and make it work.

    Of course, there are exception. I’m just speaking in general. I think 4th wife who was here recently and the 4th wife who was here years ago from Egypt were exceptions.

    There was a 2nd wife here “Nura” from Qatar who seemed very sincere and she got screwed over by the first wife and husband. The husband and first wife were Egyptian and Nura was American. The wife gave the husband “permission” to marry Nura. She even went on the honeymoon with them. She then became very possessive, couldn’t handle polygamy. He began to be unfair to Nura and neglected her. He ended up divorcing “Nura”. It was very sad.

    Those are my thoughts about it.

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    I didn’t copy all the discussions between the two as it would have been too much.

    In reviewing the discussions, I didn’t see where Concerned contradicted what she said about permission. I simply saw that she ADDED another DIMENSION to what happens when a husband asks permission to marry another wife. She noted the problems that could occur when the husband asks permission. It could turn out many ways. For instance, for the wife who was asked for her permission, it could make her haughty, arrogant and give her a false sense of security and superiority.

    I think Concerned spoke of the situations given the circumstances of Secretary and Umm of2.

    Secretary isn’t even married to the man yet, nor has he married the cousin yet. It sounds that Secretary’s intended is just toying with her and trying to pacify and appease her. The whole him marrying the two of them on the same day etc. doesn’t at all sound right to me. It sounds he is playing her. It’s my assessment of what is happening.

    We review the information that we receive here and speak about what we think of it. If we don’t, this would be a blog for people just to write their stories for people to read – a read only blog. This is an interactive blog. Of course, know one knows the whole complete story of anyone’s life here. We can only hope that the writers are being the most honest that they can be.

    Many times a husband doesn’t ask his wife’s permission to marry another. He simply does it, whether he tells the first wife or sneaks and does it.

    In Umm of2’s case, the husband was already married to the first wife. He, which is very rare (if it’s not required by the law of a particular country), asked the first wife if he could marry another. It alone leads one to believe that he did care deeply about what the first wife thought and wanted her on board with the whole thing. Concerned only said that it appears the husband would have CONTEMPLATED not marrying another had she said, no and not given permission.

    Umm of2 said herself that the first wife threw in her face that she wouldn’t be married to him had she not said it was okay. It alone let’s one know that it mattered to the husband what the first wife thought.

    Yes, Allah chooses our mates. We go through the motions. We only speak of the motions that one goes through. Bottom line, Allah wrote the script.

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    The below are the two statements that Concerned gave:

    Secretary

    Your husband is not really asking for your permission, hes trying to dissolve himself of any responsibility for what you will go through. He doesn’t want to hear ” why have you done this to me” etc. That argument will be ended with a ” you said I could”. If you kick up a fuss he will do it behind your back, if you say no, but not go crazy he will reassure you of his love and marry her. If you say yes he will marry her and completely ignore your feeling cuz you agreed. Dont make this harder (in the long run) for yourself. Its a burden believing you allowed them to get married. Just tell you do not give ‘ permission’ and he does not need permission.

    Ummof2

    About the husband asking for permission and what this (usally) means. We have to separate cousin marriages, like secretary from non cousin marriages. Cousin polygamy and ‘regular’ polygamy are different for many reason. So I made that judgement on your situation becauae you are not your husbands cousin. The FACT that he asked for her permission mean he would have contemplated not marring you if she was againts it. He would have went to greater leanths to make her happy (even though he doesn’t have the power to give happiness, it doesn’t stop men trying)

    They would have had more discussions than you will ever know. Every 1st asks for certain requirements before her husbands 2nd marriage amd 9 times out of 10 he does it all. And if you really want to know 99.9 % of husbands who marry a 2nd and the 1st is depressed or constantly crying etc, offer to divorce the 2nd IF SHE (THE 1ST) WANTS HIM TO. You can ask most 1st and they will tell you.

    Umm of2 said:

    Concerned that was years upon years ago. I only brought it up because it was the subject at the moment and I want to let sisters know it’s normal to go through things but believe and trust there is light at the end of the tunnel. I never held that against the co I forgave in that moment life’s way too short. And I’m curious to know how you can give a complete runout of their characters judging by one incident when you don’t know them. What is the difference between my co and husband and secretary and her prospective husband because I didn’t hear you mention such positive things about their situation and her prospective husband did the same thing, sought her permission. It’s like you’re back pedalling. We make decisions as a family not just them two. And what type of husband would divorce a wife based on his “other wife” my husband is a grown man not a little boy. I never heard of that. Maybe in your situation No offence. I agree everyone has good in them. Alhamdullilaah we are at a very peaceful good place now all due to Allah. So sisters out there who are struggling keep pushing. It’s worth the ride.

  • Concerned

    September 26, 2016

    I think women who marry 2nd have similar personalities as do 1st, 3rd and 4th. Its just something iv noticed. 

    Jasmina

    Do you think your co thought your husband felt sorry for you and originally accepted the marriage only to find out he actully loves you. Maybe when this dawned on her she uped her game on trying to get rid of you. I never quite understood why a woman would try and get rid of another. Shouldn’t a good woman be happy that her husband is happy. 

  • Jasmina

    September 26, 2016

    My hubbys other wife and I both thought we were first wives lol… What then!

    she can’t handle I am the first and constantly tells me about my life like she knows it better than me Lol repeating lies she has been told of course. I just thank her for filling me in on my life, I didn’t realise I had amnesia. 

    She thought that if she made things difficult enough then my husband would bend and divorce me. That didn’t happen so what now. She is using his mother so now my husband runs around on his mothers orders to tend to his other wife.  Now that is getting to me because it causes conflict. He is trying to do as she says so his mom won’t tell him to divorce me which he feels he would have to obey.  It’s messed up! Some women have no heart! 

  • Concerned

    September 26, 2016

    Marah s

    Whats interesting about the real life story you told (where the man runs around like he has no brain) is his wife whom he loves so much doesn’t love him. If she did, she would tell him to stop loving her in such a way that makes him unable to think. I think if there is ever a good reason for divorce loving someone that much is a reason to leave them. What a shame they will never feel the freedom of loving only for the reward feom Allah. 

     

  • Marah S

    September 26, 2016

    I find it interesting that often the debates are about first and second wives, people tend to forget that there is room for a third and fourth wife as well. A sister once told me that her marriage became peaceful when her husband married a third wife. She said it took the edge off for her, it was clear proof that neither her or the second wife were better than the other and nothing was wrong with either of them. She said it opened her eyes that fighting for the number one spot was pointless and that her husband didn’t get remarried because something was missing in her, he just wanted to have another wife for his own personal reasons.

  • Marah S

    September 26, 2016

    The love of the husband certainly isn’t the most important thing. I find that competing for a mans love is the biggest waste of time. A man may love one wife more than the other on one day and the next day it switches. Either way I think it’s a pointless argument because every situation is different. We women should learn to support one another and remind each other of Allah rather than competing for the number one spot in a mans heart, it only hurts our souls.

  • Concerned

    September 26, 2016

    Marah s

    Thanks for understanding. I wouldn’t have had to go in so deep had she understood the first time. Oh well, 

    Ummof2

    I know ana doesnt do ‘numbers’ here. And neither do I. Im of the opinion that if a woman FEELS 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th then she is. No matter what order she marrys. And for the record I prefer 4th wives, they seem to just have it together, less bitchy,crazy, childish. Where is number4 I really do enjoy reading her comments. 

     

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, :-)

    Your post was beautiful and a very nice way to bring us all back together in unison. We should try to help one another and not tear one another apart. We need to remind one another of Allah who says the best person, the most honorable one is the one who is most righteous. We all here on this blog should be striving to be the most righteous servant of Allah and not make it about the husband. The husband is insignificant in the realm of things.

    Polygamy could very well be “dangerous” for him. It could be his downfall. The husband in polygsmy many times end up with many masters.Allah speaks in the Quran of those who have more than one master who are at variance with one another. We should only have one master – Allah.

    Some husbands are so buzy serving a wife or wives that they can’t serve Allah. That is “DANGEROUS” and could be what lands him in the Hell Fire. Polygamy could be s blessings or a curse for the husband.

  • Tasliyman

    September 26, 2016

    Aslm ladies,

    I think if this conversation took place a few months ago I would have reacted quite differently. Things like:

    • …yes he does offer to divorce the second wife;
    • ….. the man almost NEVER choses a second wife over a first;
    • … the first wife wins every time;  (Last but certainly not least)
    • I have respect for 2nd wives who have to deal with a husband who will do pretty much anything for a 1st

    would certainly have rattled my cage. But thankfully I have moved passed the stage of trying to figure out whether the first or second wife is better.

    We are married to whoever we are, because Allah ordained it FULL STOP. Whether the first or second wife is the best or loved the most or whatever other nonsense is totally irrelevant. We should strive to be the best servant to Allah that we can be. As long as the wives are still trying to “win” life can be pretty difficult and full of drama.

    Trying to make someone else feel inferior or less loved is simply a reflection of your own insecurities.

    In any way, “measuring” a man’s love for a woman based purely on the order that he got married is ludicrous – in my humble opinion off course https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif

  • Marah S

    September 26, 2016

    However ummof2 I understand where you’re coming from, you just don’t feel that it was fair for concerned to say that about your situation and assume that this is how your marriage is. Thats perfectly understandable.

  • Marah S

    September 26, 2016

    i actually have an associate who this happened to. Her husband asked her if he could get remarried and she said yes. After he actually got married she realized she couldn’t handle it. Everytime her husband left to go see the other wife she would call him and cry. He would go running back home to wipe her tears away. On the day of his Walimah he left all his guests to go sit outside in the car with his first wife who refused to come in the masjid. It took him a whole month to consummate his second marriage because he was so worried about his first wife and how she would feel. In the end, it all ended when she threw a huge fit and he said he would divorce the second wife because he just wanted things to go back to normal and be peaceful and loving between them again. So he did, he divorced the second wife. And he’s still married to the first wife now she has him running around like he has no brain of his own. And this is not the only time I’ve seen this happen. So I understand what concerned was saying about that “dangerous love”

  • Marah S

    September 26, 2016

    Ummof2 I also think you may have gotten a little bit overly sensitive. I understood what concerned was saying as well. I didn’t see it as back peddling. Concerned gave advice to women about giving ‘permission’ for their husband to marry another wife and how it’s a bad idea because it may harm their progress. What I understood from what she said to ummof2 was that even though it may be something that caused your co-wife to struggle once the marriage happened, her agreeing that your husband get a second wife was because they’re is good in her heart, it doesn’t make her an evil person. After all she had nothing to gain from polygamy, except the reward of Allah. I agree 100% 

    also what she said about the husband loving the first wife more for making a huge sacrifice and agreeing to his remarriage and sometimes making the additional wives sit in the backseat to make her happy and ease her struggles this is something I’ve seen and heard of a lot. As well as the husband feeling so guilty watching his first wife struggle that he offers to divorce the second wife. I’ve seen this A LOT as well. And I think it’s messed when men do this. Unfortunately it happens.

  • Umm of2

    September 26, 2016

    First wives go they things seconds don’t and seconds they things firsts don’t and so on. 

  • Umm of2

    September 26, 2016

    I sleep fine at night thanks very much. I know fairly well things first wives go through. Second wives go through things as well. It’s said 1st 2nd 3rd 4th doesn’t matter but here clearly it does. I actually see a lot of second wife marriages thriving and first wife marriages in the gutter so it’s possible for anyone to get the short end of the stick. I also hear of husbands telling the second wives they would divorce the first wife just give them the word. We see things differently and that’s okay. First wives are not better just because they spent years with the husband. It’s an even playing field. Everyone goes through things. You don’t know everything a first wife or second wife goes through in every marriage. But if that’s what you want to believe alhamdullilaah 

    sis Ana I also believe a first wife’s reward comes from Allah. But don’t you think a second wife is rewarded as well for having to put up with a first wife I know a lot of 3rd and 4ths putting up with hell. And I think that reward goes for all the wives who persevere and exercise patience not just the first as mentioned repeatedly 

  • Concerned

    September 26, 2016

    I know full well men shouldn’t say or feel these thing toabout his wife (about her being his world and all) but they do, do it. At that time hes desperate to keep her and the confessions of love pour from him like a waterfall. He doesnt want to lose her. 

     

  • Concerned

    September 26, 2016

    Ummof2

    I have explained enough. I did not back peddle. You are CLEARLY upset. You have no idea what goes on with a first and husband. But for the most part we DO know what goes on with a 2nd and husband. How? Because they tell us, directly and indirectly. We have been with our husbands for years before a second marriage. Let me tell you, point blank (and I asked ANY 1st wife to tell me different) the husband LITERALLY begs his 1st to stay and not leave him, he tells her the 2nd marriage was a mistake, she is his world, the only woman for him, and all the rest of it. And yes he does offer to divorce the 2nd wife. he says hes SORRY. What would he have to be sorry about? Obviously hes sorry he hurt her, hes sorry he chose to marry again. He regrets very nearly distroying his 1st marriage. You can believe otherwise if it helps you sleep at night. But the truth is the man almost NEVER choses a 2nd wife over a first. If it comes down to it the 1st wins everytime. Do you know how crazy a 1st wife acts in the beginning of polygamy, ANY man must love her dearly to put up with that level of crazy, she must be so important to him that she can get away with things that additional wives never would. We dont usally hear about the hoops a husband jumps through to keep his 1st wife because the women are to busy talking about the pain. But when the pain is gone and she looks back she can definitely say this man went through so much to keep me. In the beginning hes basically single handedly keeping the marriage together. Its a great effort for him. 

    I have respect for 2nd wives who have to deal with a husband who will do preety much anything for a 1st. 

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    Anyhow, let’s try not to pit those wives who married first against those who married second and vice versa. Let’s try to find our similarities and common ground unless it’s absolutely necessary 2 address the differences. I’m going to sleep until noon, Insha Allah, which would explain why no comments get approved during that period, unless I can’t sleep.

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    There have been women on this blog who were married first who said their husbands offered to divorce the other wife because the first was having such a difficult time adusting to a polygamous marriage. I’ve referred to it in my book as well. It’s far from far fetched. It happens.

  • Umm of2

    September 26, 2016

    I’ve been talking with people in polygamous marriages for years as well. Of course there are similarities but I was referring to intricate details because every INDIVIDUAL is different 

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    I don’t want to pick sides, but I must say I do agree whole heartedly with Concerned’s explanation of permission. She expounded on it clearly and concisely, especially about the wife who marries first gains nothing worldly, but her reward comes from Allah. I’ve never heard it said so precisely before, if I even heard it put that way at all. I’m tracking (following)

  • Concerned

    September 26, 2016

    Also im not projecting what happend to me because im a 1st wife, im letting you know what happends between a man and wife BEFORE and during a 2nd marriage even exsisted. Also iv been in polygamy and talking with women and men in polygamy for yeeears. Not every poly relationship is different. In fact their are many many many similaritys. 

  • Umm of2

    September 26, 2016

    I know many first wives and never have their husbands threatened divorce because of the other wife that just doesn’t happen where we come from  you have to accept that. You don’t know thousands of polygamous ppl in marriages to make a survey and start throwing percentage in the mix. Maybe 99% of your friends. Not around the world. Big difference. 

  • Umm of2

    September 26, 2016

    concerned are you a man a first wife and a second wife all in one body because u seem to know a lot of what supposedly goes on in everyone’s heads. And how everyone feels. All I’m asking is if u say one thing stick with it. Don’t try to change what you’re saying when someone calls u out. I’m not upset a bit. Allah knows. Back pedalling is a pet peeve of mine. 

     

    And there cant be a third wife without a second wife and a fourth wife without a third wife.  life goes on. Those are just numbers. I cannot be happier my husband loves his other wife. Love conquers all. I love her too. I don’t let such a thing define me. I’m mostly focused on our marriage and she focuses on hers. Whatever goes on with u alhamdullilaah whatever u think u know alhamdullilaah. I can’t see how people can assume from behind a computer not knowing another blogger from a can of paint but whatever helps them sleep at night. 

  • Concerned

    September 26, 2016

    Ummof2

    Im not angry at all. If anything you have gone on the attack. I advised secretary and all 1st wives not to give permission BUT to ACCEPT the permissabilty of polygamy. As I just said to avoid the vicious cycle of blame. The woman who gives permission blames herself. The woman who goes againts polygamy blames her husband and/or co wife. I “applauded” your co wife because as I just said she stood to gain NOTHING worldly from your marriage, and I cant think of any reason why a 1st would accept polygamy other than to gain reward from her lord. Which means she has a love for Allah and His religion. Which means she has good in her heart. This also applys to the woman who ACCEPTS but doesn’t give ‘permission’. Again, not giving permisson prevents her from blaming herself later down the road. 

  • Umm of2

    September 26, 2016

    Concerned there u go assuming again. I agreed to your first post because it applied to me. Your second post went against what your first post said that was my problem. If you wrote them the other way around I would raise an eyebrow because one does not agree with the other I don’t care at this point what exactly was said I care that you are BACK PEDALLING. I’m happy my husband loves my co wife I wouldn’t have it any other way I don’t know where your anger is stemming from. You should stop projecting what has happened to u upon every second wife in the world. My husband and co wife do not make family decisions without me. Unless you are living in my household you should just stop now and stop assuming. Every polygamous marriage is not the same. You still didn’t answer my question as to why u advised secretary not to permit her husband marry again but applauded mines for it. Like I said back pedalling 

  • Concerned

    September 26, 2016

    Ummof2 

    About the husband asking for permission and what this (usally) means. We have to separate cousin marriages, like secretary from non cousin marriages. Cousin polygamy and ‘regular’ polygamy are different for many reason. So I made that judgement on your situation becauae you are not your husbands cousin. The FACT that he asked for her permission mean he would have contemplated not marring you if she was againts it. He would have went to greater leanths to make her happy (even though he doesn’t have the power to give happiness, it doesn’t stop men trying) 

    They would have had more discussions than you will ever know. Every 1st asks for certain requirements before her husbands 2nd marriage amd 9 times out of 10 he does it all. And if you really want to know 99.9 % of husbands who marry a 2nd and the 1st is depressed or constantly crying etc, offer to divorce the 2nd IF SHE (THE 1ST) WANTS HIM TO. You can ask most 1st and they will tell you. 

  • Concerned

    September 26, 2016

    Ana 

    Yes, you got it spot on. I dont think additional wives understand or even imagine the things a husband says to his 1st wife when he enters polygamy. I know it would be incredibly hurtfull to know the extent he goes to, to relive and ‘make up’ for what shes going through. Her sacrifice increases his love for her. 

    Ummof2

    Its seems you only agreed with my first post because thought I was putting 1st wives down, I wasn’t. It was an advice to prevent women from being stuck in a vicious cycle of blame. I think you was upset mainly because I said your husband was in love with his 1st wife. Its understandable. No women wants to hear that their husband loves another woman. But its the truth. The fact she accepted his 2nd marriage (even if she was initially against it) is a huge thing to men, it usally puts the 1st wife on a pedestal. He ‘feels’ he owes her. Even though he doesn’t. Remember ummof2 their cant be a 2nd wife without a 1st. Clearly all our husbands want TWO wives or they would have just divorced one. No husband stays in a marriage he doesn’t want. 

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    Talking about debates, Insha Allah, I’m going to have my eyes glued to the television this evening for the presidential debate. It should be interesting. I can’t wait:-)

  • Concerned

    September 26, 2016

    Ummof2 

    Ill have to break this explanation into parts. Ill speak on qadar first as its always a hot debate. 

    There are two extreme beliefs and one middle ground when it comes to qadar. The first extreme belief are those who say we create our own actions this is wrong. Simply because Allah revealed in Quran that He is the only one who creates. The second extreme belief is that we have zero control/will and we are mearly leaves blowing in the wind. We cannot believe this because that would mean were punished for something we no control over, this belief leads people to think Allah is unjust, which is absolutely incorrect. Other reasons are 1 we are accountable for OUR actions. 2 body parts will test testify againts transgressors as a proof they commited the act (because they will deny they performed the action). We cannot deny that we did the things we did, who could say they had no control over checking and reading comments on this blog. So we have a will UNDER Allahs will, that we are accountable for. 

    So when a husband asks for his wife permission to marry another and the wife says ok, go for it. She acqires an act of charity/sharing (if done for the reward from Allah) . She is willing to share something that she has. It is a good thing, a rewardable act. BUT that doesn’t mean that the husband will marry another, she doesn’t have the power to make him marry another, likewise she doesn’t have the power to stop the marriage if she doesn’t give him ‘permission’. The problem starts when shes in the throws of polygamy and regrets her act of charity and believes she ‘created’ the marriage, which makes her resentful. She needs to remember that even had she went against the marriage it still would have happend. A woman who WANTS to accept all that is permissable and reject all that is haraam has goodness in her heart and a love for Allah and His religion. I cannot think of another reason why a 1st wife would accept polygamy as she stands to gain nothing worldly, unlike additional wives who gain a husband. 

     

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    Insha Allah, later in the day, I’ll re-read Concerned’s post to see if I missed something.

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    Some husbands have been known to love their first wives so much for accepting polygamy in that the first wife doesn’t leave the marriage to the extent that the husband loves her more and he over compensates at the expense of the second, third and fourth wife. I get what Concerned said.

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    umm of 2,

    Are you sure you’re not bring overly sensitive anj jumping to conclusions. Just like you said your co isn’t that bad, Concerned said there may be some good in your co’s heart.

    We’re going to draw conclusions and have opinions here. ehich is why we’re blogging anonymously and with fake names. You seem a little touchy about it.

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    Brother Muhammad who was here years ago on this blog was faced with a similar problem. He loved his first wife so much, but she rejected polygamy. She gave him a hard time. When the second went to the hospital to give birth, first wife got hysterical, called Muhammad and he left second wife in the hospital and went running to first wife who had rejected him for over a year.

    Look at Jasmina’s husband who is being controlled by the second wife and her and his family. There’s a lot of that going on.

  • Umm of2

    September 26, 2016

    I don’t like how she automatically projected that assumption on my situation just from me making   one little comment when she doesn’t know personally. I don’t like how people can sum up people’s characters that quick if she knows of a situation where a husband and first wife control the marriage she should have said just that. Even if a wife did give “permission ” it doesn’t mean her intentions were pure just because she said yes. We shouldn’t t skip to conclusions. I’m not saying my co is bad because shes not. We just shouldn’t be to quick to judge one another’s character whether they do something good or bad. Investigate. Or observe silence. 

    I really want to hear from concerned to get some clarification between the two posts because they both contradict each other in every way. 

    Thanks tasliyman for understanding 

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    To be brief, what came to mind when I read Concerned’s post was Aisha from this blog and other commentators whereby the husband and 1st wife were controlling the other wife. Basically, the first wife was controlling the husband, which resulted in both contolling the other wife.

    It can become dangerous when the husband is so wrapped up in one of the wives to the extent that he puts her before Allah and transgress the bounds the same way many women place the husband before Allah.

    In regard to Umm of2, Concerned may have been referencing info from umm of2 prior posts, as concerned was a silent reader.

    There’s more, but I’m on my phone and only drawing off my memory without having concerned’s post in front of me.

  • Tasliyman

    September 26, 2016

    Ummof2,

    I was also confused at Concerned’s reply to you. It was different from the message I got from her post to Secretary.

    Not all situations are the same.  She might know of a situation where the first wife and husband “control” the family but that does not mean that it is always the case.  

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Umm of2

    September 26, 2016

    I see Allah in everyone and everywhere that’s that period point blank. Allah may work through His creation but He deserves utmost thanks and credit at the end of the day. She said the husband gives the first wife a false sense of control by asking her permission then in another post saying when they do that they’re a dynamic duo like which one is it that’s really my only concern  say one thing and stick with it don’t back track

    Concerned her posts still contradict one another. She advised secretary to not give permission for an additional marriage then in another applauded another wife who did. Was she advising secretary to be a good cop or bad one. 

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    Concerned,

    I have more to say about your post but will have to get back to you later in the day, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2016

    I find the easiest way to look at it and understand it is by seeing life as a theater play, a movie in the theater or on TV. View Allah as the Director and producers and each of us are actors carrying out our scripted part. We don’t have an option to rewrite or change the script.

    The only difference is we’re playing out the part automatically without being privy to the script beforehand.

    Although Allah scipted it as in wrote it, we’re still accountable to Him for our part that we played.

  • Najm

    September 25, 2016

    Umm of 2

    It could be both. The wife makes a decision by the will of Allah. So the wife’s will falls under the will of Allah.

  • Umm of2

    September 25, 2016

    One second y’all are saying its the qadar of Allah but in the same breathe saying a wife has good in her who makes the decision for her husband getting another wife. It’s either one or the other. Allah and a wife can’t both make a decision. So which one is it. 

  • Umm of2

    September 25, 2016

    Concerned we bump heads here because you believe my husband and co decided overall, they decreed my marriage and I believe Allah did. HUGE difference. 

  • Umm of2

    September 25, 2016

    Concerned that was years upon years ago. I only brought it up because it was the subject at the moment and I want to let sisters know it’s normal to go through things but believe and trust there is light at the end of the tunnel. I never held that against the co I forgave in that moment life’s way too short. And I’m curious to know how you can give a complete runout of their characters judging by one incident when you don’t know them. What is the difference between my co and husband and secretary and her prospective husband because I didn’t hear you mention such positive things about their situation and her prospective husband did the same thing, sought her permission. It’s like you’re back pedalling. We make decisions as a family not just them two. And what type of husband would divorce a wife based on his “other wife” my husband is a grown man not a little boy. I never heard of that. Maybe in your situation  No offence. I agree everyone has good in them. Alhamdullilaah we are at a very peaceful good place now all due to Allah. So sisters out there who are struggling keep pushing. It’s worth the ride. 

  • anabellah

    September 25, 2016

    Oh, okay. I’m sorry I misunderstood. Thank you!

  • Concerned

    September 25, 2016

    Ana

    No, certainly not all wives or even most. I was only speaking of ummof2 co. 

  • anabellah

    September 25, 2016

    I’m not sure that all the wives have good in their hearts though

  • anabellah

    September 25, 2016

    Concerned,

    Wow! Your post is very informative. I think you’re correct in your description and explanation – very profound.

  • Concerned

    September 25, 2016

    Ummof2

    I wouldn’t hold it against her (your co) if she agreed it shows there is/was a kindness in her heart. It all really falls back on the husband. To allow one wife to influence his decision over another shows a type of love and care that only they and Allah know. It can be dangerous for additional wives to enter into polygamy with them. They will work as a duo and decision are made by those 2 for the rest of the family. Chances are he will ‘intend’ to do anything to keep her. Even divorce or be unfair to additional wives. Back the 1st wife. She only used it as means to hurt you because shes hurt. But yeah, there is a lot of  good in her. Your husband will feel like she put a lot on the line and put her wants and desires aside for him. For that hes probably dangerously in love with her (and I mean dangerously because your not supposed to love people like that). But men cant help it, she ‘agreed’ to his 2nd marriage, its incredibly hard to top. 

  • Umm of2

    September 25, 2016

    Wow thanks concerned you hit the nail on the coffin. I went through that with my co wife. Apparently my husband “asked”her permission or what have you and she gave him the “go ahead” so they think. I didn’t even know of this encounter until further down the line when she brought it up in a heated argument saying I wouldn’t be married to hubby if it wasn’t for her. I nipped it in the bud by saying spouses are ordained in paradise are they not. My marriage was the Qadr of Allah as was hers was it not. She never mentioned it again but she really did believe she had control and was consciously holding it over me like I owed her. Men do the strangest of things. That really crippled my co’s progression and mines as well. Men can be so clueless

  • anabellah

    September 25, 2016

    Concerned,

    What an EXCELLENT post, full of so much wisdom, especially about the subject of “permission.” You gave a lot of food for thought. You nailed it.

    Thank you much! :-)

  • Concerned

    September 25, 2016

    Najwa

    Personally I would add  up the hours he had taken from me. For example if hes supposed to be home at 8pm and turns up at 10pm, he owes you 2hrs. When the co is better you can let him know the total time he owes. I prefer to leave it up to him (the husband) when he intends to make the hours up. It could be 1 full night or staying and extra hour or 2 on change over day. If he acknowledges he owes the hours but isnt making them up, dont bug him about it, its his debt, his deeds, his hereafter. 

    Ana.

    I hope you enjoyed ur vacation. Id forgotten that secretarys husband said he will get her (secretary) permission. This is one of the biggest ‘silent’ killers in polygamy for a first wife. Starting polygamy by giving the first wife a false sense of control. At first it works in her (1st wife) favour. Its easier to deal a situation if your think you allowed it/let it happen. She may keep this incorrect notion and try force her influence on other/private matters as Secretary is doind now. She ‘thinks’ she decides how many kids they have, when they have them, when the vacate, the schedule, the finances etc. When the husband and 2nd dont involve her in every and all decisions it infuriates her, she becomes resentful, shes losing ‘control’ of their marriage. She wishes she never ‘let’ them get married. She feels left out., isolated and alone. She’ll wind herself up believing shes the only reason the 2nd even has a husband, that if it wasnt for her the 2nd would be someplace alone and single. She may let the 2nd know this. To make her feel less than, like she should be thankful to the 1st for ‘letting’ her marry HER husband. Its extremely damaging to the 1st progress. And she wont progress till she understands the qadar of Allah. 

    To secretary and any 1st in this situation I would tell the husband NO, I do not give you ‘permission’ you let him know yoy have no need for a co wife, you do not want to share and as it stands you can see no benefit of a co wife. Then you let him know, he does NOT need your permission but if he goes ahead you would like honesty and fairness where it applys. 

    Usually a woman in this situation trys to think objectively, like secretary is doing, she thinks of all the logical reasons why they marriage shouldn’t go ahead (disabled children) to avoid looking possessive and jealous. She needs ‘good’ reasons for going against the permissabilty of polygamy. Just as 2nds look for ‘good’ reasons to to ignore the feelings and hardships a 1st will face. To avoid looking selfish, mean, inconsiderate and heartless. Its usually pointless cuz the decision is the husbands. 

    Secretary 

    Your husband is not really asking for your permission, hes trying to dissolve himself of any responsibility for what you will go through. He doesn’t want to hear ” why have you done this to me” etc. That argument will be ended with a ” you said I could”. If you kick up a fuss he will do it behind your back, if you say no, but not go crazy he will reassure you of his love and marry her. If you say yes he will marry her and completely ignore your feeling cuz you agreed. Dont make this harder (in the long run) for yourself. Its a burden believing you allowed them to get married. Just tell you do not give ‘ permission’ and he does not need permission. 

  • anabellah

    September 24, 2016

    najwa5, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Two weeks do seem an awfully long time to go without seeing one’s husband. I suppose there will be times when situations come up that would require some adjustments in the schedule. It’s nice when the wives can be flexible and considerate. As we all know, it doesn’t always work that way. I pray all is working out well for you now. I could understand how frustrating it is trying to work through it. You seem to be doing a good job. :-) We live it and we learn it…

  • anabellah

    September 24, 2016

    Umm of 2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    You said something very important to Mrcollies – that he should not disrespect his wife’s mother. He could speak with her kindly in a way to set her straight. Ultimately, it’s up to the wife to deal with her mother about her relationship with her husband. As Marah S said, it’s important that the wife deals with her mother so that the mother knows the wife is speaking from her heart and mind and not being manipulated and controlled by the husband.

  • Umm of2

    September 24, 2016

    As salaamu alaikum all. I pray everyone enjoyed their eid. 

    Secretary I was thinking the exact same thing what’s it to you? Why shoulder their stuff on top of your stuff. It’s so uncalled for. One thing you need to work on before the marriage is focusing on you and him. Keep your nose out of their business. It will bite you in the a**  down the line if you don’t. 

     

    Mrcollies

    your mother in law is just being a mom. She loves her daughter unconditionally and just wants what’s best for her. Polygamy is already painful without having the co all up in your face 24/7. Give them a break. If anything let her daughter diffuse the situation. She might be unhappy and going back and reporting happenings to her mom hence the moms behaviour. You never know. Just never disrespect the moms. 

  • anabellah

    September 24, 2016

    Karima, As Salaamu Alaikum, Sis :-)

    Hope all is good with you. As Tasliyman said, you have to find a way to make yourself happy and not expect anyone else to do it for you. A problem we all need to learn to overcome is having expectations of others. We have desires that we want fulfilled. Women want their husbands to be other than what they are, whether it be more romantic; more affectionate; more talkative; do more around the house; be more hands on with the children; have sex with them (the wives) more; have sex with them less; take them on vacation; have a better job; make more money; be more educated; buy them a house and so forth and so on.

    People are the way Allah has made them. It’s not for us to change anyone other than ourselves. We need to accept people for who and what they are. Once we do that, we become content in our lives. Allah has chosen our spouses for us for His reason. Spouses are the way Allah has made them. He says He created everything in perfect proportion. It’s about Allah. It’s not about us. When we get that through our thick heads, we become at peace. :-)

    Allah says a husband should be kind to his wives and feed, cloth and house them where he house himself. All the other stuff amounts to desires that people have and want fulfilled.

  • anabellah

    September 24, 2016

    Secretary, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I wouldn’t worry about chromosomal abnormalities, if I were you because you’re not the one who will be marrying your cousin. It’s your soon to be husband and his cousin’s issue. Why make it yours?

    You said your intended said that he will need your permission for him to marry his cousin as a second wife. He should consult with you about it, just to let you know what he intends to do, as it will effect your life too, but he doesn’t need your permission to marry anyone other than your permission to marry you. A man shouldn’t marry someone against her will. A man doesn’t need a wife’s permission or consent to become polygamous.

    Your intended may have a point when he says that you are jealous. You need to do some self-analysis. Why else would you be all up in the cousin and his business about genetics, if you weren’t trying to find some way to keep him from marrying her? You’re probably correct when you said, “he just wants his own blood”. It’s the way they they do things. You’re wasting your time in trying to change tradition. It’s his and her problem is they have disabled children. Just thank Allah much that it’s not you.

    How will that work-him marrying the two of you on the same day? It’s not very romantic. How will he consummate the marriage with the two of you? Will he have sexual relations with you both on the same day? What’s the rational for marrying the two of you on the exact same day? Will one of you be a legal wife? I’m just curious.

  • anabellah

    September 23, 2016

    MaraS, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I like your answer to Mrcollies.It’s excellent advice! There’s nothing I can add.

  • Marah S

    September 23, 2016

    Mrcollies,

    I don’t think there’s much you can do, i see it one of two ways. Either you refuse for her to come over and keep it a secret, although that may make you look really bad to her family, or you come out of hiding and deal with whatever bad comes of that as well. Either way her family might be upset. It’s just life, you can’t make everyone happy all the time. I think it’s better to just come out and tell the truth. Then it’s up to your wife to tell her mother in a polite way that this is what she’s chosen and ask her mom not to stress and get into it. You shouldn’t be the one telling her mom to back off because then the family will hate you and think you are disrespectful and they may feel like you’re mistreating their daughter and forcing her to live like this. If she tells them herself that this is what she chose and she doesn’t want them involved then they can’t blame you.

  • najwa5

    September 23, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Shukran Tasliyman for your post.We’re

    Trying the three days thing, since he was with co for three days. She still didn’t want the two weeks thing. Only thing is he has to rush out in the morning to get children ready for school and take them. I guess it’s OK with me since I have to be up and out for work.  I’ve blown up on him for two days now. Well maybe we’ve blown up on each other. Petty as it may seem, I told him to prepare children early so that he’ll get to me at a good time and how about he cone to me earlier than 10 something at night. Smh I’ll continue making dua. I pray all have a good day.

     

  • Mrcollies

    September 23, 2016

    Hi to everyone,

    its been long, hope ur all doing well, missing all of u, I have been out of the office for sometime

    I need assistance, my mother in law(very irritating, doesn’t know her place, thinks she can control everything and everyone, very forward………………………………………….) of my second wife, has an idea of wat is happening at home, someone told her everything

    now i have to find a way to calm things down, how do I deal with her, I need her to backoff, but in a polite way, she is really a drama queen, she stressing my wife, I’m not sure if its time to come out but I think its still early, maybe after 3/4 months, she likes to stress and make a big deal out of things, I need a way of putting her in a place, coz should I let her have a say, she will end up running my life and my house, I’m just afraid that if I call her to order it will ruin our  relationship for a long time, my second wife and I opted not to tell them then and for now, but now that they have an idea of wat is happening she wants to come to my house and check if its the truth, which I dont want, its my house my family, I really dont mind her coming to visit but not to check, it my private space, need advice on how to do this one, coz i’m young and very soft, still i dont want anyone to intrude my personal space, if her daughter agreed to stay with me, and I did everything right with her family to take her, its up to us how we handle things please advice on how to deal wit her

  • Karima

    September 20, 2016

    Salam Tasliyman I loved ur post thank u?

  • Tasliyman

    September 20, 2016

    Karima

    I don’t think we should rely on someone else to make us happy, not even our husbands. I believe that happiness is a choice and you are the only one who can make that choice.

    Each day we are faced with situations and events that happens in our lives, how we react to them is completely up to us. We can choose to be sad or upset and dwell on what we believe was done to us by someone or we can choose to find the positive in a situation, look towards the future and just be happy and grateful for the good that we actually do have. If you feel you have been done in, do what is necessary to rectify the situation but then move on. Do not dwell on the hurt and anguish.

    If we choose to be happy most of the time, we will have a generally happy life. But if we choose to be sad most of the time, our lives will be pretty sad overall.

     

    So I think we should try to work on how we react to situations, put our trust in Allah and decide to be happy and grateful.

    I recognise what you are going through because I was there too. It’s a constant cycle of expectation, disappointment, unhappiness, forgiveness, let’s try again. Only to start at expectation once again.

    It was only once I decided that I no longer want to be hurt and sad that I was able to move on. I found myself being happy (most of the time) in pretty much the same circumstances as I was before. The only real change was my reaction to certain things. Making the choice to not be sad and unhappy anymore is the key factor though. Until you reach the stage where you make that choice, the cycle will in all probability continue.

  • Tasliyman

    September 20, 2016

    Aslm

    My previous comment was for najwa5.

     

  • Tasliyman

    September 20, 2016

    I would advise you to just let it go seeing that it is the first day of the two weeks. It’s not always possible to anticipate how things will work out in certain circumstances and there is a possibility that your husband did not foresee him having to be there so late on the first day.

    If it’s going to continue then you should speak to him about it. Mention your suggestion again about him staying there for the full duration of her recovery and then making up time again later.

    I don’t know if you have small children, but two weeks can be a long time for them to not have their father home. In my case, I know my child would have a difficult time if her father was to not be home for two full weeks. Even if he spends time with her in the day she still feels his absence if he’s away too many nights.

    I know of a divorced couple where the wife is currently undergoing treatment in hospital. The children are staying with their father for this time. Even with all their planning and preparations things are not working out exactly according to plan. All that they can do is adapt as needed and trust that Allah knows best.

  • najwa5

    September 19, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum 

     I hope all is well with everyone. Quick question am Itripping? My co had surgery today and it’ll take about two weeks for her to fully recover. So the other day hubby and I were talking about he was going to still be just with the nights. I told him since she’s going to need help he should stay with her for the two weeks just know that he has to also give me to weeks Insha’Allah. He said he was going to run the plan past my co. She wasn’t with so he’s keeping the nights the same. I’m feeling some type of way because it’s almost 11pm, he’s not here, talking about he has to get children ready for school and he’ll be here Insha’Allah. Calling  him no answer. 

     

  • Karima

    September 19, 2016

    Salam im verry happy for You enjoy Your holidays!!!?

  • anabellah

    September 19, 2016

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Sis Karima,

    I’m well and all is good. I’m vacationing with the hubz and am having a wonderful time. Insha Allah, I’ll be back and on the blog the end of week. I check in periodically to check and approve comments. I’m thinking of you and all too. {{{hugs}}}

  • Karima

    September 19, 2016

    Salam sis Ana is everything ok? Thinking of u…. Inshallah u are well just busy with life?

  • Karima

    September 19, 2016

    Salam sis Jasmina

    i do feel for You…. H here is not a person opening up sharing thoughts feelings future pláns etc by nature.  He is a great dad n fulfills his duties n responsibilities he gives my rights we both improved a lot.  He is not the girlfriend type H if one exists at all .  Yes he is also stressed about work n other issues…. I’m trying to be there be supportive show interest n care but not sounding pushy n wanting to know everything…

    i talked to him about what our little boy said that dad doesn’t love mommy or just a little n I told him I’m upset 3 days now cause I’m affected from that n he hasn’t comforted me by a hug or a kiss or nothing. He just said he’s a kid…… He said why u think i don’t love you? How silly of u to think that!!! Anyways he finally said u are right I’m sorry!!!!  

    Then I told him I want u to be happy n I feel that none of us is really happy with each other . I don’t want to speak about the past n accuse u or anything I did mistakes too. I just dont want to live in a lie. N kids soon will start reading the signs….. I told him that I plan to raise kids like Muslims inshallah no matter what future holds for as As a couple but he should know that I will raise them knowing inshallah men and women are different but equal!!!!! N if my son won’t be getting that n misbehaving over that I will be upset n I will have to discipline him. Inshallah it will work out. N that our daughter will be raised isnhallah knowing her power n value n being beautiful n smart a real queen as a woman who can proceed whatever halal career she wants. N that her future husband has to understand n accept that n help n support her. Inshallah Amin ya Raab

    He said nothing he just listened but he got my point I think.

    Jasmina I too fight with complexes and low self confidence n many times when talking like this he would say I do all This talking n complaining n all due to my insecurities when there s no reason to be like that!!!! Then I told him I feel I walk offer egg shells sometimes around him n he said no reason i should stop doing that n be who I am full stop. Ok so from today I’m not gonna hide feelings about anything n let us see how he’ll handle it lol

    alhanmdulellah it’s ok 

  • Jasmina

    September 18, 2016

    Ummof4

    yes my husband has been stressed at work and a few other things, I guess I won’t take it too personal.

    i think I have developed borderline personality disorder. I’m not sure but him and I both think so, I react to think in a bad way. I lack so much self esteem and confidence it’s bad. I’m trying to work on myself to fix these things and otherwise my marriage is good now Alhamdulillah with the occasional problem. 

    Karima

    did we marry the same man lol! It’s such a pain, my husband has been opening up more and more and there are strong feelings there, was just raised to not show talk or express them.  

    Ditto to all your advice… No man is worth a single tear. Even a man that chases you says nothing, he could be a player. 

    My husband is trying so that keeps me going as well. It was hard when he shut down on me completely but that was ages ago.

  • Mari2

    September 18, 2016

    So in a nutshell,  when genetics is concerned (not family, land, money etc) diluting is GOOD.  Concentrating dna among the same family line is NOT GOOD.  Two unrelated people who marry share 4 sets of grandparents. That equals dilution!  First cousins marry and they share 3 sets of grandparents, increasing anomalies,  less diluting.  Double first cousins share only 2 sets of grandparents.   And that’s never good genetically. 

  • Mari2

    September 18, 2016

    Secretary asked a good question about “mother’s sisters daughter”.  A man who marries a mother’s sister’s daughter is more genetically related than one who marries the daughter of his mother’s brother?  Why?  Because our genetic code contains mitochondrial DNA…that is the portion of code that you inherit from only your mother.  Both men and women inherit mdna from their mothers.  Any genetic anomalies written into the genes of one parent is usually diluted by another parent who has different anomalies.   

    However, when two parents share the same mdna, which may or may not have scripted the same genetic anomaly into their genetic code, they increase their chances for the anomaly to present itself in the child. A man who marries his mother’s sister’s daughter carries the exact same mdna as his wife. So part of their genetic code is exactly the same, so the genetic anomalies do not dilute,  they increase.  This may not impact their children,  but with continued cousin marriage practices could create havoc for their grand children. Look at the Bradford England study done on a group of Pakistanis with a high preponderance of first cousin marriages. 

    People brush off the danger of cousin marriages, but in Pakistan,  especially KPK where 80 percent of marriages are cousin ones, there is a higher prevalence of thalassemia than the other non cousin marriage portion of the population.   Also, in Pakistan there is a high portion of children who suffer from congenital blindness linked to cousin marriages.  And when two first cousins, each born to parents who are first cousins within the same family line, they are considered double first cousins and share the same genetic similarities as a brother and a half sister would.

    Through out the ages people erroneously thought that marriage within family created stronger families.  That may be so for money, wealth and titles, but genetically, those families are weaker and more prone to genetic problems arising in their families.  Communities with close marriages in the US (some Mennonite,  some Amish, FLDS etc.) have a higher level of children with special needs,  miscarriages and still births than the population at large.  Same conclusions of the Bradford study in England as well.   

    I have 2 reasons for getting worked up when people gloss over the dangers of cousin marriages.   1.  I took too many genetic courses during bio studies to ever convince me that marrying a person that I share a set of grandparents with is a good idea. 2. I carry the gene for CF, as does my daughter,  as does my mother.  I have 16 maternal first cousins, a good portion of which also carry CF.  Can you imagine the devastating results on our offspring if my family participated in first cousin marriage? A possibility of 50 percent contracting the illness and dying!  There are gulf countries that require genetic testing for cousins who wish to marry.  And here in the US, first cousins are permitted to marry with genetic testing and counseling. 

  • Karima

    September 18, 2016

    Thank You Ummof4!!!!

    Im grateful to Allah for everything cause i wouldnt have my beautiful kids i do now. All good comes from Him And all “bad” from my not so good choices:( to any woman out there muslim or not marry someone who he really wants to marry u And u feel u can communicate n see that he s willing to make u happy n listens understands u n all!!!  Do not marry someone u are Crazy about due to his looks or job.  Of course This is not a recipe n it doesnt mean that all men are narcists egoist selfish n liers but s lot of them. Are:( they say better Cry in a limozine but id say better Cry together hugged by ur husband! Alhamdulellah 

  • ummof4

    September 18, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Secretary, it is quite common in many cultures and countries for people to marry their first cousins.  In the US, UK and other European countries, it is taboo, based on the fact that when royal families married their cousins there were birth defects.  However, these birth defects have been proven not to be caused by cousin marriage, but by genetic abnormalities in certain families.  In conclusion, cousin marriage is not forbidden in Islam.

    Karima and Jasmina, may Allah ease your situation with your husbands.  They seem to be stressed according to what you have written.  Often men become stressed in polygyny when it becomes overwhelming; and it can be quite overwhelming. 

    Karima, the statement you made about men turning to other women is true for many men.  Unfortunately, they feel that the grass is always greener somewhere else, then they get married and find the same grass or maybe weeds.  Although we as women need physical and vocal reminders that people care about us, men’s egos need to be stroked more than ours.  They love to feel that they are someone’s “dream come true”. 

    May Allah grant all of us the Jannah as reward for obeying Him.

  • Karima

    September 18, 2016

    Salam sometimes I feel Allah is for the women to turn to for everything where men they turn to other women!!!!! Does this make sense to anyone? Astagfirullah 

    i cannot be my true self around Husband I mean I can always show the good side he is uninterested to know me n be there for me when im not well when I m not so fun to be around . Naturally I have to take him as he is. But he will go out many times he won’t stay to have. Real talk after kids bedtime but rarely.  

    There s so much nice videos n lectures on utube about Islam n all but pls is there any help out there for women trying to figure out a way out of an unhappy marriage? I am confused at times as I feel trapped because of having small kids . Even if I got a full time job now who will be with the kids??? Ahhh it sucks astagfirullah . Plus I keep beating myself up as it’s all ‘my fault for marrying  this person. He has always been the same its me who was foolish n in love n so underestimating myself thinking it’s only him or no another men out there. I was wrong!!!!!!  But probably I wouldn’t get t know Islam if I hadn’t met him. So yes there s a script written already for me astagfirullah .  Ahhh I am confused n wished things would be different but they aren’t I just need to be patient n wait till kids will get a little older n then see what to do. Apart from the financial stability we are two different souls drifting apart. I d love someone having real talks to even if had other wive. But when he is with me to be with me100%.  Oh well this is just dunya and my stupid choices. N of course there is a lesson to be learnt for the young girls. Pls listen to your Mom and pray to Allah n make istikhara n have a job!!!!! N don’t give up on ur halal dreams for any man!!!!!

     

  • Karima

    September 18, 2016

    Salam

    Jasmina

    i feel it’s me who wrote this post!!!! Apart from the hotel thing a lot of info matches to my husband personality, not all, but a lot.

    and I also feel he doesn’t love me anymore or very little.  My 5 year old  son told me the other day . He asked me what are these pinky hearts I glow on dads sandwich every morning: I told him its for baba… U love him he asked? I said yes. But he doesn’t love u my son said. I asked him really? How do u know??? I just know he said. He only loves u a bit….

    i got so upset I texted h about that. He just. Said he’s a kid …. When he came home no comforting words no hug no kiss no nothing.  Ok I have my period 3 days now but still…..

    sthng is happening again…. I don’t know what… Honestly I wish I could reach to the point to really file for a divorce …. We don’t make each other happy he’s happy somewhere else weather is another woman or his friends . And I am here mainly for the small kids…..  Yes my life is not what I would wish it to be astagfirullah 

  • Secretary

    September 17, 2016

    Salam alaikum ladies.  I stopped writing because I felt unloyal to my future husband, but I NEED to ask Muslims.

    Question :   Is it safe for a man to have children with his mother ‘s sister’s daughter? 

     ( update:  We didn’t get married yet. planned in two weeks.  And of course he went back home two weeks ago and decided he will marry his cousin on the same day with me.   I’m worried about chromosomal abnormalities,  but he says it’s halal to marry your first cousin.   I’m new to Islam and have been raised that being intimate with family members is taboo.  I know medically your risks of genetic defects are much higher.  I am trying to trust Allah truly.  Reminder,  he said I will need his permission to marry his cousin as a second wife.)

     

    PLEASE can anyone confirm that biologically this is safe?  Consanguinity an issue? 

     

    He thinks I’m jealous,  but in fact I want him to have healthy children.  Honestly,  that’s why I originally said I would not have his baby because of my age and chromosomal deficiencies, but my doctor suggested I try.  

     

    He must not care about having disabled children,  he just wants his own blood and I agreed to try for six months.

  • Jasmina

    September 17, 2016

    Sallam

    am I wrong in being upset? My husband hasn’t been intimate with me in 6 weeks except once because I asked. He doesn’t want to get me pregnant and is too shy to buy protection at th store and he says he is stressed with work and the cigarettes take away his desire. Fine but he is not even affection like a kiss beyond the cheek or head is too much. He hasn’t kissed me in this time either. He gave me a flower and a gift the other day and took me out for dinner. In the past 8 weeks we had a family bbq at a park also. He generally has been nice and attentive and home early as in comes home straight after work. so I’m getting mixed messages and right now as its my time of the month I’m very emotional.

    Ive been patient and understanding and doing all I can to not show my anger but today he said something about giving other extra days this week because she needs him and I exploded and he told me that I annoy him and to leave him alone and that if he could he would be alone and live alone and not see anyone. That it’s not just me but everyone that bothers him and it’s the reason why he doesn’t sit with me at home because he enjoys his own time. He stayed at a hotel today. And that he does the minimal but since I complain he is now going to do even less.

    he said that he was just starting to feel like he could talk to me (after so many years) but I just ruined it (in 5 minutes) and he was back to square one.

    it takes literally months and months of staying quiet and being extra nice for him to come around and he finally has but now I ruined it in one conversation according to him. 

    I try to stay focused on Allah but our marriage is meant to be a companionship and an enjoyment for a us and a protection as well from haram. 

    Im feeling so sad at the moment and I know it’s probably the hormones but still I’m almost certain my husband just simply doesn’t love me. 

  • Umm of2

    September 15, 2016

    Salaams all

    Lol what’s in the air that all the hubbies are catching these days.

    Hubby has been good. Maybe he changed or maybe I changed with thanks to this blog and he’s changing because of my change. Allah knows better. 

    I hope and pray everyone is well, remembering Allah in every aspect of life 

    stay blessed 

  • Jasmina

    September 15, 2016

    Tasliyman 

    mine too and for no reason to do with me. I giv him space but seriously how much darn space does one man need. Oh no wait it was because I bought an expensive second hand chair, well 3, I loved them and want to refurbish them. It’s my money I have earned with my business and I don’t ever spend on myself goodness.  But generally he’s mad for no reason though lately he has been good, we respectfully fight about once a month, not every two days like before, so I’m okay with that.

    my brothers are the same, moody. Walk on thin ice sometimes around men. 

    I got so angry I went to bed super early and let him deal with everything on his own.

  • Marah S

    September 15, 2016

    I’ve been giving my husband his space too, he seems to be getting back to normal as well. Men really do go through phases at times. But I can’t judge because I know I’ve had my psycho hormonal days lol!

    Mr.collies

    Sorry if you feel we ganged up on you, like ummof2 said it’s coming from a good place in our hearts, we’re not saying these things to hurt you, we just want you to understand that your making a mistake and you need to stop, of you want things to work out between the three of you. I hope everything is going well at home. 

    Amraati,

    So sorry to hear about what’s going on with you, sounds to me like your husband may be  collecting women just for the heck of it, so he can say he has three wives, even though he doesn’t desire three wives at the moment. If he really desired three wives then he would make an effort to have some kind of personal relationship with all of you, at least day to day communication. You should definitely get some help from a wali or Muslim male family member to find out what’s going on. You’re so young, If he’s not ready to have a third wife and treat her as an equal wife to the others he should just let you go so you can find someone who will love and cherish you. 

  • anabellah

    September 15, 2016

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Yeap, men go through changes, too. They get temperamental and don’t want to talk about it. Po (or) things Lol. :-)

  • Tasliyman

    September 15, 2016

    Aslm

    It seems that just leaving him was the best thing. He seems to be back to normal today.   Then they say women are moody and hormonal https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • anabellah

    September 14, 2016

    I just re-read your post. You actually said you’re giving him space lol. You’ve already got it figured out :-) Men are jerks at times. We’ve got to give them that.

  • anabellah

    September 14, 2016

    I read that when they get like that, you’ve got to give them their space and let them alone. If you pressure them, trying to figure out what’s wrong, it makes matters worse.

  • Tasliyman

    September 14, 2016

    Argh! My husband has been acting unreasonable whole day. He gets upset with me for no reason. 

    Really trying to just give him space to deal with whatever issues he has. I’m pretty sure he’s it has nothing to do with me. 

    It’s so annoying…… 

  • Umm of2

    September 14, 2016

    Mrcollies. 

    Sorry if you feel that way, that we are ganging  up on you. It’s not intentional. You should definitely start making moves if multiple ladies here are singing the same tune and agree on how you should go about dealing with your wives, your queens. 

    It’s all coming from a good place in our hearts mrcollies we’re just here to help from years of experience

  • Umm of2

    September 14, 2016

    Amraati 

    thats a bit questionable you have only been married a month and he’s already not communicating. Usually newlyweds can’t get enough of each other at the beginning. It’s called honeymoon stage. That should raise a red flag indefinitely 

  • Umm of2

    September 14, 2016

    Amraati welcome 

    sis Ana said everything there is to say and she summed it up nicely. You have some thinking to do. 

    I’m flabbergasted your husband is 26 with three wives (shocked face) that’s definitely a first for me. 

  • Mrcollies

    September 14, 2016

    Yooo yooo yoooo, women ganging up on me. I dont know where to start commenting fromhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif

    I just got to work, let me get my head up and make something to eat, I’m defenetly gona need ernergy to reply, I understand what ur saying and I’m listening.

    Ganging up on me,,,,,, ganging up on me ne

     

    ok… ok ganging up on me

     

    Still I love u guys, even wen ur ganging up on me, https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    September 13, 2016

    Amraati, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Eid Mubarak

    It’s nice to have you with us :-)

    I’m not really sure what you’d like to know or maybe you just need to talk about what you’re thinking and feeling. How did you meet your husband? I just think you’re awfully young to be married to a man who has two wives already and he lives in another country. I’d imagine it does get very lonely for you. I could never understand a man who marries a woman; they live in different countries and rarely see each other.

    Based on all I know about marriage in Islam, the husband and wife should live together in peace and tranquility. He should feed and cloth her and house her where he is. He should deal with her justly and fairly. He should be kind to her and treat her on an equal footing. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) saw all his wives daily and they all live near one another. They were a family. It doesn’t sound to be anything like what you have.

    Not only don’t you live with your husband, but he fails to communicate with you. Communicating with you is the least that he could do. It’s as though you have no husband. Allah, in the Quran, says a man shouldn’t leave his wife “hanging”. A woman shouldn’t feel as though she has no husband. He shouldn’t just have her hanging on while he goes about his daily business and she’s on her own. That is not right.

    If you are unhappy with him and if all that I noted above is accurate, you have every reason to seek a divorce from him. You’re very young. There are many men out there, many who are single as well, who would love to have a lovely wife. You could sit around waiting for him in hope that he may one day live with you or simply begin to communicate with you? https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif Allah knows best.

    Do you have a dad, uncle, brother or someone who cares about you and can contact him. You should let a Muslim male in your family know what’s going on so that he could step to him, so that he could speak with him and find out what he intends to do, as he is not fulfilling his duty as a husband. Sadly, many women don’t have Muslim male family members or friends who can represent them and act in their best interest.

    You say you don’t nag your husband. It’s not a matter of you nagging him or not. You simply want to communicate with your husband. It’s what husbands and wives do. You are a wife just like the other two. You are no less than they are. Just as they have access to him and communicate with him, you should be able to do so as well.

  • Amraati

    September 13, 2016

    Sorry too much typo. I meant I’m not nagging him*

  • Amraati

    September 13, 2016

    Thank you anna for your help. 

    Assalamualaikum everyone, I’m new here and glad to found the place to escape.

    I’m a newly wed. Been a month. Being the third. Even I’m still 25, hubby 26. 

    We don’t live at the same country right now. And I don’t know when he’ll make a visa for me, since I’m doing my own business here, it doesn’t bother me a lot. I’m enjoying my life alhamdulillah.

    I don’t have issues with the other wives. One of them love me a lot. She thinks I’m a good girl. And it’s true. Lol. I don’t wanna mess around with them and very patient with my hubby. But another is very fussy, she’s the youngest between us. I don’t wanna mess around with them and very patient with my hubby. Even he’s very bad sometimes. Doesn’t call and text me regularly, even we apart. Sometimes I’m tired about it. I told him, I’m nagging him, I know he has his own privacy, I know he’s busy, and such. But I don’t think he understand that communication is very important for me. I tried to talk to him about it, but he doesn’t change. Sometimes I’m asking myself, what is the function of marriage? You don’t even have someone to hold into. He’s a good guy I know, having lots of knowledge about islam. But perhaps he should have to implement his knowledge in real life.

  • anabellah

    September 13, 2016

    umm of2, yes, Mrcollies seems to be a really nice guy and he wants his wives to be happy, but he’s just not LISTENING. He has an ideal that he wants fulfilled, but he’s not able to see polygamy from a woman’s perspective. I suppose it’s because he’s a man. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • anabellah

    September 13, 2016

    Oh, and by the way, fake names are accepted here, but fake stories aren’t. Please don’t waste our time with made up drama. We deal with real life here.  Thank you!  :-)

  • anabellah

    September 13, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to All,

    An important note: Please be careful when you post. Don’t use an email that has your gravatar associated with it. If the gravatar/avatar is a pic of you and you want to write anonymously, you need to use a different email address. The last thing you want to do is write anonymously and your real picture appears, after you hit submit. There is no need to use your real name on this blog. Fake names are accepted here with no problem. You could create an email especially for blogging. Just remember your login information. I want to protect everyone’s identity as best I can here with the help and permission of Allah. You need to do your part as well. I try to skim all the emails before I approve them. It doesn’t mean I catch everything. So, I need your help. Thank you!

  • Umm of2

    September 13, 2016

    Mrcollies 

    you say you love this blog and all the comments given to you yet you’re not even testing out any of our suggestions. You continue forcing your wives on each other. It’s not right. If you don’t start LISTENING you may end up all alone it’s only a matter of time. Your first wife left before and came back to no change at all and you still don’t get it. 

    I love and appreciate this blog as well and you know what I take everything written here very seriously and implement it into my daily life. 

  • anabellah

    September 13, 2016

    Mrcollies,

    I agree with everyone who has said to you, you are not listening. As someone said, your wives are not your children. You don’t own them and don’t get to control them. If they don’t want to be bothered with each other, it’s okay.

    As much as you would like it to be all kumbaya, it’s not reality. You love your wives and like polygamy, BUT that is you.  They are not an extension of you. Somehow you need to figure out a way to wrap your head around that, OR ELSE, as someone else here said, you may find yourself all alone with no wife or in a monogamous marriage with only one of your wives.

    Do you want to drive your wives https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif? If not, then lighten up on them. Take it easy. You can’t make one go to her room because she doesn’t want to play with the other…

  • anabellah

    September 13, 2016

    Mrcollies,

    Thank you much for the link to the article about Christianity and polygamy http://www.ecclesia.org/truth/polygamy.html I skimmed it, but get back to it to read it completely, God Willing. :-)

  • Umm of2

    September 13, 2016

    Marah s I’m not surprised your husband dosent go into depth with his feelings. Men rarely do that. It’s more of a woman thing we can talk stuff to death lol. Just remind him you’re there for him if he ever wants to talk. Maybe throw a shoulder or back massage his way from time to time to relieve that extra pressure he’s building up at work so he won’t take it out on you. Something is clearly bothering him. Men go through phases too in polygamy although it can seem like they have it easy, different houses yet different sets of bills, different wives yet completely different from each other in every way. I’m sure it’s a lot for them to juggle. 

  • Umm of2

    September 13, 2016

    how would you feel if it was just you and your wife had a boyfriend in the house and u had to sit and watch them bond together and cuddle and kiss right in front of you, being intimate ALL THE TIME EVERYDAY ALL DAY. You need to start putting yourself in their shoes. 

  • Marah S

    September 13, 2016

    Mr.Collies thanks for the advice.

    Im not sure why you are so picky about your wives being friends. You need to give them a break and leave them alone about it. They’re not fighting anymore that’s a HUGE step. You should be happy. They don’t need to love each other, they don’t need to be friends they just need to respect each other. These women are your wives not your children!! It’s not your job to choose their friends for them as if they’re five year olds.  If they don’t want to be friends then leave it alone, stop picking fights with them and respect them as two adults who have the right to make their own decisions. Remember they didnt choose each other. They are two separate women, with two separate lives that just happen to be married to the same man. A lot of the sisters here have already told you this exact same thing, I don’t know how many different ways you can be told this. I think you just don’t want to listen. God controls the hearts of the people. If God has not decided for them to be friends than they will never be friends no matter how much you fight them about it. Please just let these women live in peace. Polygamy is hard enough without the husband constantly on your back about your co-wife. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

     

     

  • Umm of2

    September 13, 2016

    Mrcollies brother you’re not listening to us or maybe you are but its not processing for you. Why on earth are you forcing your wives to be friends. What’s the point. Yes they should respect one another shoot everyone should respect other and be respected it’s called common courtesy. You are married to them it’s your job to get along with them. They are not married to each other they don’t have to get along. If you keep forcing two strangers that are not married to each other who don’t owe a godamn thing to one another who didn’t choose to live with one another and spend the rest of their life with one another it’s only a matter of time before they both leave you. You’re being selfish at this point. It’s not right. They are both going to get fed up and get to thinking why are they living the way they are why are they putting up with something they never imagined then they might start thinking life would be better with a single man in a home that’s just theirs. Or a polygamous man that gives them their own homes. You’re treading on thin ice brother. You seem nice but you’re directing your niceness the wrong way 

  • Marah S

    September 13, 2016

    Anabellah, if I had my own car I probably would’ve just gone to the prayer even if he didn’t like it. I also believe that a man can not forbid his wife from going to the masjid. The masjid is a place where everyone goes to worship Allah. A man has no business trying to stop his wife from worshipping Allah. I think he’s stressed out about work, He’s been Working overtime, which he never had to do before. But we need the extra money since the baby is coming and baby stuff is expensive. He’s not the type of person to talk about his personal issues. When I ask him about it all he says is “it will be okay inshallah. 

  • ummof4

    September 13, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Marah S, it’s unfortunate that you missed Eid salah and festivities.  And I assume that when you stated that you would not go to Eid again, you were just acting on heightened emotions.  Of course, you will go to Eid salah again, year after year, just as you used to.  This time was just a small glitch. 

    I spent the Eid again with my children and grandchildren.  The night before salah we have a big dinner at my house and give gifts to the children.  After salah, we had brunch at my oldest son’s house.  That afternoon, we went to a community skate and bowl.  Then I was tired, so I went home to relax; I’m sure my children and grandchildren were still going strong. 

    I love the two Eids, they are a time of unity and happiness.  For those who are sacrificing this Eid, may Allah accept your sacrifice.  May Allah accept our Eid salah and all of our good deeds during this blessed time.  And may Allah accept the Hajj of all who are performing it this year.  This Eid Ul-Adha is also a time when I think back and relive the 2 times that I have been blessed to make Hajj, Alhamdulillah!  May Allah grant all of the Muslims on this blog the ability to make Hajj if they have not already done so.

  • Mrcollies

    September 13, 2016

    Hello to everyone

    @Marah S, its true wat anna is saying, I think ur aware of it, something else is eating him up, it might be that he cant raise the subject direct or not comfortable with it, but its boiling him inside, if u know wat it is, sit him down talk to him, find a way of resolving it,

    to me also it happens alot but in a different way, example-in wat is going on at home now is that, several times I asked my second wife to be opened to all of us, especially to my first wife, that is my challange right now, for them to get along I know, I have to give them time to bond on their own, at their own pace, but each day its eating me up, where she comes home from work, take a bath, make a small talk to my first wife and go to bed, its killing me, burning me, and my only solution is that she needs time, which even eats me more, coz currently even if there is peace at home but there is no unity, yes they both married to me to to them, yesterday, I told her in a polite way to find a way of getting along with her and she said she will try, she got home and did the same thing, my first wife, my son and I were watching movies when she came back from home, I told her to come join us, she said she had things to do, then she started ironing bedding, clothes till late, I didn’t want to argue especially in front of my first wife, after an hour I took off to bed, this morning on our way to work, I raised it, she told me she was working on it, and I need to accept the way she is, not in a bad way I freaked out a bit, just to lighten the urgency of this matter, that I’m not gona tolerate it, I’m not going to allow it to happen again, I dont want it totally, she needs to do something about it and a.s.a.p, in my instant because most of the time I try my best to be soft and loving going all out them but the problem starts when I m trying to send an instruction that is not up for discussion, then they don’t follow, it really gets to me, and such”clean my shoes incident” starts happening to prove a point(ok mybe that one was too much), in my case, like this one I might end up locking the two of them in the whole weekend in house and go visit my parents until they both call me that they have sorted out things. its all due to boiling

    so just try talk to him, if there is something he doesnt like or want u to do, just try it, coz ul end up fighting for something the whole year, and for the fact that he kept u from going to pray/internet access, knowing how important it is to u, he seriously wanted to prove a point, rather sort it out compromise listen try meet him half way for sake of him boiling again for something else that is meaningless

  • anabellah

    September 12, 2016

    Marah S, Eid Mubarak, dear Sister :-)

    That was weird. He got upset with you because you didn’t do a Cinderella, because you didn’t take out his nice shoes and clean them? Because of it, he forbade you to go to prayer? Yeah, he was stressed about something or other things that caused him to act irrationally. His shoes not being shined must have been the straw that broke the camel’s back.

    I read years ago in Islamic material (not Quran) that a husband can’t prevent his wife from going to the Masjid or prayer. I dunno. I have a bit of a hard time getting with someone forbidding a grown adult person from going someplace that she wants to go. I’ll be darn if my husband would tell me not to leave the house or say I can’t go someplace. Shaking Head NO It ain’t happening – not yesterday, today or tomorrow LOL. I know some Muslims roll that way, but I’m not one of them. To each his or her own.

    At least you got a chance to see him as you never had before. You got to see just how much he loves you. I guess it was a shockeroo to see him in tears. It’s touching when they do that.

    Maybe you need to have a sit down with him and try to find out just what is troubling him. Something is eating at him, and maybe you could get to the bottom of it. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif

  • anabellah

    September 12, 2016

    Mrcollies,

    God willing, the wife whom you married second will become pregnant. Everything happens in God’s time. If you have the financial ability, you could look into the different options that are available to help your wife become pregnant. My understanding is that the stress of wanting to get pregnant could be enough to prevent a pregnancy. Some women have found that when they gave up trying to get pregnant and resolved themselves to fact that they can’t, they actually eventually became pregnant. It happened after they relaxed and just lived life without the pressure of trying to conceive. Bottom line is that God decides when and if a woman will get pregnant and have a child.

    Keep up the good work in trying to be the best husband to your wives that you can. Remember God controls the love that is within a person’s heart. If you love one of your wives more than the other, it’s because God designed it that way. You should still do what is within your power to make each of your wives feel loved.

  • anabellah

    September 12, 2016

    Mrcollies,

    It’s good to hear your wives are doing better at home and are getting along together without fighting. I still think you need to let them become friends (if they ever do) at their own pace. As long as you push them onto each other they may rebel. There is nothing to say that they must be best friends. Of course, they should be cordial and respectful of each other, but why must they be best friends? Is it simply because it’s what you want. How about what they as individual, free thinking, independent women want? You should respect their position as well. Just because you love the two of them and are married to them doesn’t mean that they have to love each other. They are not married to each other. They are both married to you.

  • Marah S

    September 12, 2016

    Hubby and I got in a huge fight this morning, he’s been stressed out and trying to pick a fight with me all morning. So he finally found something to be upset about which was I forgot to take out his nice shoes and clean them last night. So he starts yelling at me and says he forbids me from going to the eid prayer, and I’m not stepping a foot out the house today. I got so angry that he was trying to ruin this holiday for me and prevent me from praying with the Muslims on this special day, I’ve never missed an eid prayer since I can remember. I grabbed all my suitcases and started putting my clothes in them. I told him I’m leaving and that I didn’t get married to be treated like this and to be told I can’t celebrate eid like everyone else. So he said if I leave it’s an automatic divorce. I told him I didn’t care I don’t need him to survive and started looking for plane tickets. So he cuts off the internet, comes back in the room and starts crying, he says he’s sorry and he doesn’t want to lose me and that I mean everything to him. He says if I leave him he’ll go into depression and he needs me in his life, and that his life has been beautiful since I came into it. This was all a huge shock to me because he’s always playing Mr. Tough guy and likes to say he would never cry over a woman. I told him okay that I forgive him and I didnt really want to leave him in the first place, I was just angry. So here I am at home, I wasn’t able to go to the prayer because by the end of our fight it was late and I didn’t have enough time to get ready. I’m feeling a little sad about it, like I said I never miss eid, I was so excited to go and see all my friends and family whom I never see except on this day https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif. Honestly I think this is the last time I’ll ever try to go to Eid prayer. I’m the type of person that when I get burned once I don’t ever try it again in case I get burned again.

  • Marah S

    September 12, 2016

    Eid Mubarak everyone, I hope you’re all doing well

  • Moipone

    September 12, 2016

    Morning ladies 

    Have a wonderful Eid 

  • Mrcollies

    September 12, 2016

    Over the weekend, my second wife was headed to work,

    me and My first wife  were supposed to go somewhere, I told them lets go together will drop her at work but she politely asked not to go with us in same car, it was sad

  • Mrcollies

    September 12, 2016

    as for my first wife, being jobless and relying on me its killing her, today i’m taking her for job hunting, I think it will make her feel better, I will try hard to find something for her. I have to go be blessed

  • Mrcollies

    September 12, 2016

    as for my side, things are getting better and better at home, slowly but surely, my wives still re-building trust, they need time, I’m so glad they not fighting anymore, I change every night taking turns, initially it was a bit hard for them especially in the morning, the other one will be over the mood while the other one will be down, they are adjusting, it doesn’t bother them that much, with time I hope it will get better

    only problem at this moment is 1, I think I need to balance, loving them equally, my second wife and I have that strong bond, I think my first is noticing it, I have to find a way

    2, its taking them long for them to gel deeper, like making a conversation(laugh, watch TV, cook, travel in a same car together, sharing things) everyone is still doing her own thing, not that they dont talk or eat each others food the do, but the bond is not there yet, I wish I knew what to do, I hoping things will get to be a solid happy family with time, I wish I knew what to do, watching them every day, I see there is nothing to say to each other, yet, I will pray and pray hoping things will get better, as for my second wife and I we really hoping that God will bless us with a baby, shame its sad especially seeing her like this, I know will will be very depressed when her period comes, we have been trying and trying, nothing is happening. the ryt time will come, only prayer for now

  • Mrcollies

    September 12, 2016

    Hello to everyone, yoooo, things are a bit hactic from my side, especially work, I miss u guys a lot, think about all of u all the time, all ur encouraging comments, I miss I miss hope things are a going well, remember to shine, and smile, Allah/God loves us the most

  • anabellah

    September 11, 2016

    Eid Mubarak to you, too, Sis Karima, Jasmina and all the lovely sisters and hello to Mrcollies https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

  • Jasmina

    September 11, 2016

    Eid Mubarak my sisters and friends on the blog

    much love 

  • anabellah

    September 11, 2016

    Some of the comments by commentators here on the blog inspire me from time to time to write a new post/thread.  Here is one: https://www.polygamy411.com/why-hide-polygamy/

    The posts/threads are not only for us here who write on this blog, but are for our cyberspace silent readers and those searching info on the net, as well.

    I hope all is having a lovely day or night, whichever it is in your part of the world. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • Karima

    September 11, 2016

    Eid Mubarak my dear sis Ana and all of You lovely sisters!!!

  • anabellah

    September 10, 2016

    Greetings to you, too, Sis Umm of 2

    I pray the same for you too, my dear sister. {{{hugs}}} :-)

  • anabellah

    September 10, 2016

    It’s quiet again here on the blog, so I’ll take this time to share an interesting story (article from 2013) of a prominent man who had an affair and how he lied to his wife and to the American people. It was John Edwards a Democratic Presidential Candidate in 2008. I shake my head because it resembles the lies that some Muslim men tell who are polygamous. Affairs seem to go unnoticed and no one cares about them unless one gets caught. Then it’s seen as a major wrong doing. It’s sought of like – Keep it on the down low and all is good. http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/john-edwards-mistress-breakdown-americas-sensational-scandals/story?id=20854336

  • Umm of2

    September 10, 2016

    Greetings to all

    I pray everyone has a blessed and prosperous Eid Ul adha. May Allah bless and protect you and your families. 

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2016

    No Problema, Sis. We all have different experiences with some similarities. It nice we get to share them with one another :-)

  • Umm of2

    September 8, 2016

    Oh yes sis thanks for shedding light from a different perspective. I was clearly looking at it from a wife with kids perspective. Thanks so much 

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2016

    She’ll have less laundry (of her husband’s) to do because the other wife should be doing some of his, as well.

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2016

    I think a woman who has no children may get a break for instance if she doesn’t have to cook on days that her husband isn’t with her. She may go out to eat eith friends or family or get take out or throw something together quickly. She gets a break from having formal meals that she usually prepares when th husband is home. She doesn’t have to be as meticulous about the house being in order. She could get it inorder before he’s due to arrive. She’ll get a break from sex unless he comes over on days that aren’t her to get some. She gets yo let her hair down and for instance sleep in tee shirt or super comfy pj’s instead of something more revealing or sexy. She gets to stretch out in full bed that she has all to herself. She has free reign over the TV if she watches it. She in essence gets to live the single life again ehen he’s not with her. Those are just some of the benefits I can think of off the top of my head that a woman in a polygamous marriage without children may have.

    Okay, I’m tired of typing on this phone now. It’s almost 3:00 a.m. Will try to get some sleep before Fajr. Over and out.

  • Umm of2

    September 8, 2016

    Ohhhh ok I understand. Thank you for clarifying. 

    I don think a benefit of having a co wife gives you a break at all unless you only cook and eat when your husband is there. And unless you only clean when your husband is there. The husband usually works in this day and age not just moping sitting in the house for you to have to cater to him all day long and even if he is I’m sure he expects u to multi task, throw in a load of laundry, cook a nice meal, homework with the kids and show him love all at once. The world dosent stop spinning when the hubby is home. 

     

     

  • Arzoo

    September 8, 2016

    Ana sis i got confused too :)

    I scrolled up and down to see what Felicia’s comment was about. Then i figured she was responding to the conversation happening in Pakistani thread :) 

  • anabellah

    September 7, 2016

    umm of2,

    At first, I was a bit confused too LOL. I’m like – what did I say?  What did you (Felicia) say that I responded to? Then I kind of remembered slightly that she is married to a Pakistani. So, I went back and found her post to refresh my memory https://www.polygamy411.com/marry-a-pakistani-man/#comment-18855

    I think we got confused because she doesn’t write regularly and she didn’t respond right away, but later.

    At first I thought my mind was going (losing it) until it registered. I’m glad I wasn’t alone in being confused LOL

  • Arzoo

    September 7, 2016

    Mrcollies, 

    One practical benefit i can think of is for women who dont have kids yet or kids grown up enough to take care of themselves, they get a break and some alone time to do whatever they want or to not do anything at all :) Now in your situation i dont see that happening if you all are living in same house. But still there are some practical ways your lifestyle can help them. Are both of your wives working outside the house too or do they stay at home. If both stay at home they can divide the house chores like cooking and cleaning. That allows one of them to relax. Its much better than doing housework daily. You have to take charge and make things fair for both of them. You can’t just let one of them refuse her responsibilities toward the home. Even if one of them works then you and her should work together to allow stay-at-home wife a break from housework. You can also hire a housekeeper/maid to help your stay at home and allow her some time to relax. Give her some extra pocket money to spend on whatever she wants to. She might be jealous of the other wife earning and having her own money to spend. Think about how you can make it fair, how you can make it easy for THEM not how you can make things easy for YOURSELF. 

  • Umm of2

    September 7, 2016

    Greetings all, 

    sis Ana did I miss a post of felicia’s? I’m a bit confused

  • anabellah

    September 7, 2016

    Felicia,

    It doesn’t matter if he gets it or not. Sometimes it’s best not to bother trying to get them to get it because they won’t. They won’t get it because it’s not to their liking. They don’t want to get it or they just can’t comprehend. As long as you get it and it’s right, it’s all that matters. If you could do it without any repercussion to you, then do what you need to do. Sometimes we have to get over feeling guilty about something that we’re not wrong in doing and not at fault. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

  • Umm of2

    September 7, 2016

    Just wrote a lengthy post and it didn’t post grrrr. But basically mrcollies I was saying you shouldn’t try to force your wives to be best friends or friends at all. If it’s meant to be it’ll come naturally but for now focus on your marriages SEPERATELY with each wife. Getting along and being one big happy family is a fairytale, nonexistent. In time they become cordial but don’t force it. That can cause more harm than good. It’s in your best interest to get along with them and them you. Not them two with each other. 

  • Felicia

    September 7, 2016

    Hi Ana,

    I have been doing that but he is being difficult.  He refuses to see that the game will change if he changes the playing field.  I like the way you explained it, gonna try your explanation on him

  • Mrcollies

    September 7, 2016

    hello to everyone, u guys are so interesting I’m at work and today is hactic, I cant wait to comeback and read all ur comments, imagine I came in the office to check mails but most important to check the blog, love u all, ur such a blessing, enjoy ur day

  • Tasliyman

    September 7, 2016

    Ana, I agree with you that discussions on the benefits of polygamy is pretty useless to women who is basically just trying to survive each day.

    Practical things such as some free time (not really true if you have small kids by the way), less cooking and cleaning becomes pretty irrelevant to someone who is trying to adjust to such a major change in her life.

     

  • Tasliyman

    September 7, 2016

    Najwa5

    I remember how annoying that early morning calls on a weekend used to be. Most of the time it was nothing important.

    Before I had a child I almost never contacted my husband when he was not with me (I don’t like the “my time / her time” thing, so I will rather say when he is with me or not). I only contacted him if it was an emergency. Nobody said I couldn’t contact him; it was my choice not to. The problem was that my intentions were unfortunately not that pure at the time. If I have to be honest, I only did it to show my husband that I was not as clingy and needy as his other wife and I wanted him to be impressed by me. Obviously, I was upset when it seemed like he didn’t even notice the effort that I made to make his life easier because I did it for him not for the sake of peace in the families and to please Allah (very hard to admit but it was true unfortunately).

    Alhamdulillah, I’ve made some progress since then.

    Now that I also have a child I realise that sticking to times and rules becomes a bit more complicated when children are involved. My daughter asks to speak to her father anytime. He has been very clear that I should not hesitate to contact him when she asks for him. Sometimes they will just have a telephone conversation and both will be happy. Most times however, he will come to her and spend some time with her or take her with him.

    Looking back now I realise that some of those inconvenient calls could actually have been the children wanting their father or their mother who was just struggling to adapt to the major change in her life.

    I know when you are in the situation it is very hard to deal with and extremely annoying, but it does get better In-sha Allah. If your co-wife is doing it to be spiteful, she will get bored eventually if she gets no reaction. But if she’s doing it because she’s struggling, it’s her personal battle and hopefully she will also move pass this stage and the calls will also become less frequent In-sha Allah.

  • anabellah

    September 7, 2016

    Tasilyman,

    I understand what you’ve stated. It’s amazing that men marry women and then try to force them to become best friends just because they (the men) love the women and want to make life easy for them (the men and the wives).

    It should be enough that the women put up with what the husbands want (polygamy). They aren’t content with that alone. They go as far as to pressure the wives to be friends. You’re right. The wives aren’t married to each other. Sadly, the men don’t get it. They’re obsessed with fulfilling their desires.

  • anabellah

    September 7, 2016

    I think what the benefits of polygamy is good for is a debate about it by the debate team in high school or college or so called Imams or scholars lecturing about it. It doesn’t work in the personal lives of people, especially women living in polygamous marriages. They don’t care about the benefits much. Those living it don’t care about theory. They care about what is going to help them personally deal with the situation – how to deal with the husbands and co-wives. They’re trying to cope with what society thinks of them. They’re trying to survive. leave the benefits for classroom discussions or the lecturer hall. It’s pretty much useless talk for those in polygamous marriages – unless, as Tasliyman stated, a man is trying to convince women to accept polygamy and get along with one another.

  • Tasliyman

    September 7, 2016

    Mr Collies

    I might be wrong but I suspect you want to know the benefits of a polygamous marriage so you can convince your wives of it. I don’t think that is a good idea.

    You should keep in mind that YOU are married to two women. They are married to one man only – they are NOT married to each other. They did not choose to be co-wives, and they certainly did not pick each other out to be their co-wife.

    I don’t think you should force them into being friends and constantly try to convince them of how the setup would benefit them. I am not saying that there are no benefits, I just don’t think that they would be open to hearing the benefits from you at this stage. When I first came across the blog I found that a lot of the advice given here was the same things my husband used to tell me. I just wasn’t open to accepting it from him at the time as I felt he only said those things to make his own life easier.

    I would suggest that you do everything you can to maintain peace in the families but don’t force things. Give them both time to heal and adjust.

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2016

    Dear Sis Karima,

    It’s funny. I was watching the CNN special last night about Hillary Clinton’s (Democratic presidential candidate’s) life. It covered how her husband Bill Clinton (former President) had a 12 year old affair while married to Hillary. The woman (last name Flowers) had gone public with the affair, saying she loved Bill. Hillary, of course, remained with Bill despite the outcry of Americans for her to leave him. He then went on to have a sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky and Hillary again stayed with Bill. I don’t blame her. What did she have to gain by divorcing him?

    As I stated previously here, all my life growing up, being out there in the world and being out there in the workforce, I’ve known of many men cheating/having affairs. It was common place and still is. Some leave the men because of it, some don’t. Some of the most famous and beautiful actresses and models have been cheated on by their husbands or boyfriends- just to name a couple off the top of my head – Halle Berry; Elizabeth Hurley. Hurley’s boyfriend Hugh Grant was caught with a prostitute. I worked in a corporation in which there were co-workers there who were having affairs, but were married to other people.

    The mere fact that Allah has allowed polygamy lets us know that some men (of course it’s not absolute) desire more than one woman. That fact of Him allowing polygamy alone lets me know that there is nothing wrong with a husband becoming polygamous. There is no way I’d give up my husband if he desires polygamy. There is just no way. Of course, being in a polygamous marriage takes getting adjusted to and it’s a transition going from monogamy to polygamy. Plus, we’re dealing with a society that frowns on polygamy. We have to learn to put Allah above all else and go with what He allows and says. Most people are ignorant, deaf, dumb and blind according to Allah, so why listen to them? Allah tells us not to. He says don’t take heed to them. He says ignore ignorance. He says don’t concern ourselves about their disapproval of us or their blame when He says don’t concern ourselves with the reproaches of others.

  • Karima

    September 6, 2016

    Just to clarify i didnt say one word to her about my marriage.

  • Karima

    September 6, 2016

    My dear sis Ana

    today I had a lemonade with an acquaintance … She told me how her 11 years together boyfriend. They were living together n all found another woman while being with her basically he cheated on her so  they broke up. After only 4 months With his new girlfriend n oops she got pregnant and Married her.. … Then she said better like this. U can’t keep a man just because u carry his child n probably he is unfaithful to his new girlfriend now wife n mother of his child..: she kept saying how many marriages have a 3 rd person involved usually husband cheating ..:: i got surprised with my self that I didn’t got overwhelmed didn’t start trembling shaking or feeling the shame I used to as if me H our marriage n the 3rd person was az about us..: in fact i told her most mén are like this they have these other needs we women don’t always usnerstand n Better to ignore it pretend the 3 rd person doesn’t exist especially if the marriage is working in general n there are no other problems. In these cases I told her or u divorce or u stay cause u have some pay offs/ in my case we are together 18 years have two young kids he provides n gives all rights. Yes I realised he is boring for me n propably I am to him too. I have my kids n art to turn to but mostly Allah n he has that woman or any woman..: if I had no kids maybe I would leave if that’s what’s written but seeing how fine our life is apart from that “fly” around us I’m staying lol. I don’t know what the future brings….I cannot control anything at all. I take one day at a time. Sure sometimes i feel sad how my love for H faded so much because of what he did to me the lying n cheating etc n then I say alahmdulellah may Allah forgive us all I don’t know the full circumstances… So there it is.

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2016

    Umm of 2,

    As you stated, it most certainly is “absurd” and “ridiculous” that a husband would cause his wife to stress about whether he’ll be with her during labor and childbirth. It should be a no brainer. How could he think about not being there? A co-wife who thinks it okay for a husband not to be there for the other wife is one wicked, evil person.

    Some people are so confused about what just and fair means. It’s not that rigid. SMH

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2016

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m glad you’re well and all is okay :-) I think you’re doing way good in not focusing your attention on your husband and what he is doing, especially since you have no clue what he’s really doing. I can only imagine your frustration in not being able to communicate with him openly about what his relationship is with the other woman or possibly another woman besides her. It’s so strange. But, yeah, don’t waste anymore time in trying to figure it out. You have more important thing to concentrate on – number One – Allah. In time, I believe you’ll get to the point that you won’t give a hoot about what he’s doing. Good for you; don’t waste anymore tears on him. As you stated, a husband is not God.

  • Karima

    September 6, 2016

    Salam to all

    im here my sis Ana i miss u too…. Im a silent reader n busy With some projects of mine. Alhamdulellah kolo is ok i wont shed any more tears over H nor the other if she exists as a co or as whatever else or if H could be With anyone else too on n off. Alhamdulellah Sthng broke inside me but its for the best.  He is not God anymore alhamdulellah 

  • Umm of2

    September 6, 2016

    Concerned sis your posts has me literally laughing out loud. You learned to live with that fly lol. I admire your straightforwardness and honesty. Surely some were created as tests for another. 

    Sis Ana thank u :)

    What you said about some wives stressing wondering whether or not she would go into labor  on her co wife’s day where the husband won’t be with her during childbirth is so ridiculous and for the husband to even put her in such a predicament is absurd. I second what you said we put the additional burden on ourselves because something like that is common freaking sense. Like concerned said grow a va jay jay and rearrange the schedule 

     

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2016

    Karima,

    Where you be at Lol. I miss you :-)

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2016

    Concern,

    Thank you for shedding more light about it. I thought it was probably the regular stuff we deal with and hear about with this type of marriage. You made a very good point – how can we work on our nafs, if they aren’t exposed. We simply can’t. It’s all good, could be part of the purification of the soul. :-)

  • Concerned

    September 6, 2016

    Ana

    I dont think she TRYS to get me out of the marriage but I doubt she would shed a tear if we got divorced (me and him) the feelings mutual. Its just because we’re married to the same man. Yes,  it stems from selfishness, jealously, envy, feelings of being left out. At the end of the day I have every right to leave everyone out of my marriage cuz it has nothing to do with any1 but me and him. She doesn’t do anything to harm me and same for me. We’re just two women sharing a husband who are deling with all the negative emotions to come with it. We cant work on our nafs if they’re never exposed. The thing is none of us hold sway over our husband, so basically we’re mad for no good reason. The devil trys to delude us that we’re missing out, the little sh!t. We just have to remember that hes (the devil) is our enemy not each other. 

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2016

    Concern, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    If you don’t mind me asking, what do you think seems to be the problem? Does she want you to leave the marriage or is it jealousy or envy?

  • Concerned

    September 6, 2016

    Mr collies 

    For me, the co is nothing but a problem one giant problem. From when I entered Islam it was my intention to put Allah first in my life. the husband is the same so we never had a problem with making each other the be all and end all. Its probably why we never had any issuse within the marriage. A marriage where both people are striving for reward and Allah is first would never see any real issues. So enter the co. A person sent to test my patience, get on my last nerve and make me angry to the point I might explode. So I think thats the benefit, Iv learned to practice patience, control my anger, find the good in her (sometimes its like finding a needle in a haystack) I cant remember Allah in distressing times if im never distressed, I cant control my anger of im never angry etc. So shes a fly buzzing around me and no matter what swatters, fly spray I use she just wont go away. So iv leared to live with that fly and (sometimes) love that fly for all its annoying, stressful beauty. Allah has allowed me to better myself and improve my character though havi g to deal with such a nauseating person/situation. I dont like having a co wife but I love my sisters in Islam so I think of her as a sister rather than a co when shes pissing me off. 

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2016

    Ummo of2,

    Well said! All of what you stated can make one see the beauty in polygamy and make one grateful to be a part of it. Allah knows what is best for us without a doubt. What a joy! When Allah says He will dispose of our affairs towards comfort and ease, I can attest to it. God is Great!

  • Umm of2

    September 5, 2016

    Mrcollies 

    I think the beneficial side for me is number one of course what all Marah s stated and number 2 it reminds me to not make my husband my world which I think I’d be doing if I was in a monogamous marriage. Polygamy and having a sister wife puts everything into perspective from a deeper level. I’m reminded of Allah/God all day everyday and I thank Him for putting me in a situation where I have no where to turn but to Him because that’s the best and purest way :)

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2016

    As difficult as it may be at times not to act when a co-wife annoys another co-wife, I think it’s the best policy to solely let Allah deal with it. The one who’s being harassed will get the best results that way. Of course, there are times when we must act, for instance, when an oppressive wrong is done to us. However, when a co-wife jerks another around, it’s best to try to ignore it; don’t grieve over it and don’t take heed. Again, it’s not easy, but there are great rewards to be had from doing so. The rewards come from Allah. Let the co hang herself. It’s a different story, if the co just doesn’t know any better. A co-wife is intuitive enough to know what the other is doing – whether it’s intentional or a matter of not knowing.

  • Marah S

    September 5, 2016

    Najwa5,

    I agree, your husband is a grown man with a brain, he shouldn’t need an imam to tell him when and where to be married to who. Don’t let the other wife get under your skin with the calling, eventually she’ll get tired of playing games. She should be able to call her husband when it’s necessary, as long as she’s not engaging him in hour long conversations, I’d let it go and let Allah deal with her.

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2016

    Concerned,

    I absolutely loved your post. I agree with all that you said and it’s comical as well. You had me laughing when you said “he needs a vagina.”

    I love the way your husband handles things. I like that he visits all the wives during the day the way our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was said to have done.

    I kept my mouth shut when nawja5 said they were going to meet with the Imam to discuss if the other wife could call, when to call etc. It’s a personal thing to be dealt with that shouldn’t require an Imam to address it.

    A polygamous marriage is no different than a monogamous marriage – marriage is marriage. You do things in the marriage the way that is best for the parties involved. There doesn’t need to be all kinds or rules and so many rules. A lot of it is common sense.  Everyone knows that the evening time is usually for kicking back and relaxing with family. Another wife should expect the same consideration that she’d want. If the husband is chilling, laying around in the morning with his wife enjoying the weekend, of course she wouldn’t want to be disturbed by a co-wife unless there was an emergency. No one wants to be disturbed by a mother, a friend or anyone else calling during that time.

    I was astonished when I used to hear of a wife being stressed out, wondering if she would go into labor on her co-wife’s day and  she’d  have to give birth without her husband present. That is absolutely crazy https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif He needs to get his butt to the hospital and even take her there and stay there until that baby is born regardless of whose turn it is and change the schedule to stay longer if need be.

    Allah doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear. We put the additional burden on ourselves.

    Thanks for the excellent post! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • Najwa5

    September 5, 2016

    Shukran all for your input and advice. Have a great day Insha’Allah

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2016

    Mrcollies,

    I’ve been contemplating your question and it’s not an easy one for me to answer. The benefits of a woman having a co-wife all depends on the individuals. If the wives are friends then friendship would be a benefit. The benefits that friends generally share would apply to in the marriage. Not all co-wives are friends.

    A benefit could be that the wife gets a chance to take a break from cooking, if she has no kids. Depending on a woman’s libido, she may relish a break from having sex with her husband. A woman with a high libido may find having a co-wife an inconvenience, if her husband isn’t there to sex her up all the time.

    A benefit could be that she gets a chance to miss her husband when he is away with his wife at her house with their children or no children. The marriage takes on a “dating” feel oppose to marriage which could at times become monotonous.

    Again, it all depends on the women, their disposition and personality. It’s not absolute.

  • Concerned

    September 5, 2016

    Najawa.

    Hi there. 3 years can seem like a hell of a long time when ur in polygamy but yeah it still kinda early days. We’re nearing the 14 year mark. We had few theeting problems back in the beginning where calls and contact was concerned and like we do with all issues we address the husband ONLY (lucky him NOOOOOT) one of us wanted contact and one didnt. The ole man (our husband) told us he had already decided that all wives can contact him WHENEVER and if anyone wants to be childish and play games then ur call ent getting answered, End of. Hes not about to let his wives argue over rubbish. He further said he WANTS to speak to us and visit us during the day, everyday. We dont have half a husband.

    We’re now at the point where if one of us thinks the other needs him (like death of a family member, naughty children, or just being upset cuz sometimes we find polygamy hard) we just tell him to go so he dont have to stress and worry one of us will be angry. 

    When u visit the imam I guess the first thing he will think is omg not another”its my time” (insert moaning voice here) argument. The Prophet saw and spoke to ALL his wives EVERYDAY.  as far a I know none of them where ridiculous enough to intrude on another wives time for nonsense. If she is trying to be an ass she will get board in the end but as long as you make it an issue and have her know its an issue then she will keep doing it. 

    Just expect she will call every morning, let the phone ring out and snuggle up to ur husband and enjoy you time. Yeah, he will probably call back but ud want him to call u back if it was u. 

     

    It does my head in when men have to ask an imam if he can speak to one of his wive or be with her in childbirth if it isnt her night and all those other silly things. Tell ur husband to grow some balls (infact not balls, they’re weak and fragile, he needs a vagina they’re tough and adaptable lol)  and make a decision. Gosh. JUST MAKE A DARN DECISION. 

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2016

    Mrcollies,

    I think what Marah S said is the ultimate benefit for a woman to have a co-wife, one that I overlooked as I was looking at it from a different perspective. What she stated is by far the best benefit that a woman can have from being in a polygamous marriage and of the utmost importance.

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back to speak on it from a lesser degree of importance and value shortly :-)

  • Umm of2

    September 5, 2016

    Najwa5 welcome. Yeah three years is not long at all being in a polygamous marriage. At that stage many women are at the “infant” stage of polygamy. Try to see the good in others and the bad within yourself. Perhaps she has no clue she’s disturbing you or genuinely needs to speak to your and her husband. If she’s being a nuisance then trust and believe Allah sees and hears all and is well aware what lies in our hearts and HE will deal with her accordingly. Having the opposite attitude just brings negativity into your life. 

  • Marah S

    September 5, 2016

    Mrcollies,

    In my opinion the biggest benefit would be a religious one. Having more time to worship Allah. Spending less time taking care of and loving my husband and more time taking care of my relationship with Allah and loving Allah. For women who turn to Allah when faced with polygamy it can be a huge wake up call that Allah is the one who decrees all things and that in his worship true peace is found. That’s the biggest gain in my opinion the relationship that can be gained with Allah.

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2016

    oh, Najwa5,

    I don’t consider 3 yrs long in a polygamous marriage. I think it still a reasonable learning period. But that’s just me and what I think. :-)

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2016

    Sorry about the typos. I wrote quickly on my phone.

    Hi Mrcollies,

    I’ll write back to you later when I get up and get on the computer, God willing. It’s back to sleep for me, right now. I should be up by noon.

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2016

    Najwa5,

    Your husband is correct that she or the kids could call anytime. There is no set rules. I’m sure if all cos get along, it would be no big deal when each calls the husband because they’d know and would understand tnat each want and need privacy with the husband. The wives would have consideration for each other and want good for each other. They’dwant to do good seeking the good pleasure of Allah.

    It’s when the wife or wives have evil in her heart and has bad INTENTIONS that it becomes a problem. If your co knows shes disrupting your time with your husband and she’s doing it intentionally, she’s being mischievous.

    As your husband said, you could call during her time. Maybe she doesn’t care and wouldn’t see it as an imposition, which would mean you’ve set up rules for the two of you, whivh is contrary to her and your husband’s rule that she shouldn’t call. You all need to have a meeting of the minds as to what is acceptable for sll of you and make your intentions abot what the rules are, and try to sbide by them if it pleases Allah. There are no hard and fast rules about it. The goal is to have peace and work together in harmony. Islam, as you know, is a religion of peace.

    If it’s not the case and she really does mind, you don’t want to stoop to her level and ruin your soul by calling with bad intention.

  • Mrcollies

    September 5, 2016

    Hi to everyone,

    Long day today, I couldnt find time to log on,

    Missed u guys, all of u,

    Kindly assist here, what are the benefits or positives of having a co sister

     

  • Najwa5

    September 5, 2016

    Ana,

    I’m not new to polygamy. This polygamous marriages have been going on and off for three years. Its always has been polygamous, I think we were monogamous for four months until he remarried the co. I believe that she’s trying to annoy me. I’m trying to get to a point where it doesn’t bother me. I’ve continuously make dua on the whole situation. I’ve started to go to classes more and read Quran more and it really helping me. Its just that I can do without the fitnah. I told the hubby that this type of behavior bothers me. He says its not always her calling. It be the children. Or she’s calling because his step daughter asked for him. He says he’s going to talk to someone about if its OK for him to get phone calls from Co when he’s spending time with me and vice versa. He also says that I can call when he’s at the Co’s house. But I choose not to. He says that’s my choice. Anyways today I will go to class and ask the Iman about the cowives respectful times when with hubby and see if he has a resolution to aide problem.

  • Mari2

    September 4, 2016

    Najwa5, 

    M and I have been married 5 years.  He and his cousin,  wife 2, only one year.

     

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2016

    Najwa5, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Are you in the early stage of being in a polygamous marriage? I’ve found that it’s at that stage that the wives try to flex their muscles to see who has the most pull over the husband. She probably wants to annoy you, which she’s doing. She’s trying to exercise control over the husband. She’s trying to prove a point to you and aggravate you, as well.

    I find that most husbands are weak when it comes to being authoritative and setting boundaries. Women will try to get away with whatever they can. The husbands don’t stand up, which perpetuates the problem.

    As long as she tries to jerk you around, she’s jerking herself around. She’s unable to heal and she causing herself undue stress and anxiety. Be grateful that you’re not behaving as she is. She very well in time will realize what she’s doing and the harm it’s causing. She then may move on by growing out of the stage and getting to a good place where she won’t feel a need to cause problems. Allah knows best if it will happen and when.

    As difficult as it is, you’re going to have to learn to ignore her and not play into her hands. It’s not easy by any means. I mean it is darn right hard to do. You’re going to have to ask Allah to give you tolerance and self-restraint. It’s going to be a struggle to let it go and not feed into it.

    Know that in time, you could become victorious because you’re working on yourself to be a better person. Do it to seek the good pleasure of Allah, and don’t do it to triumph over her. Insha Allah, when you do it for the betterment of your own soul, you will come out victorious. If we do ALL things seeking the good pleasure of Allah, we get all that is good. Those are my thoughts about it.

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2016

    Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, I missed you :-)

    You’re a very smart woman. You’d be foolish to help him bring her here. What does he take you for – a fool? You told him right and straight. She’s no sister-in-faith. She tried to get rid of you and she’d still turn on you, if she could be here without your help. He didn’t have the balls to stand up to his mother in defense of you when there were issues between her and you. I expected him to say that you are his wife and she better get along with you or else she would have to go stay with his other siblings or something. Instead, he moved his mother and himself out of your home. I know you say you are okay with it, which is good. But, it’s just the principle of it that gets me. Now, they want to kiss your butt because they need you when before they were content to give you their butts to kiss. It’s his wife, let him get her here the best way that he can without your help. He better do it quickly too, before Trump becomes president (which won’t happen) and she won’t be allowed in here. You have no Islamic obligation to help get that woman here.

    His other had big plans for you (divorce). Look at her now. Allah says, those who plot evil, the evil will hem in the author thereof.

  • Mari2

    September 4, 2016

    Salam to all,

    I have been so busy of late I’ve only had time to pop in and read a few comments.   As for pregnancy in the 40s, it can happen.   I was pregnant 2x once at 44 and once at 45.  Both ended early in miscarriage.   Most likely due to a combination of low progesterone and a thinned out uterus.   If one is seriously considering a pregnancy in their 40s, have your progesterone level checked.   Progesterone is the hormone required to sustain a pregnancy and this diminishes as a woman plows thru her 40s.  Fortunately,  progesterone replacement therapy can be easily done by the intake of a daily pill.  See your obgyn or fertility specialist.  Also, later fertility is somewhat linked to genes and when a woman first entered menses.  The later one starts their period, the later one completes menopause for the most part.

    I had a wonderful summer of relaxation.  And now M has chosen to be a less than reasonable husband.   As many of you are aware, M married a second wife a year ago February.   She’s his cousin.   I have made my peace with the whole second wife thing.  M has applied for a visa for 2 to come to the US.  Guess what?   He was notified by the immigration powers that be that he does not make enough money in salary to qualify to bring 2 here.  He is already responsible for his mother and sister.   And he’s tapped out with prior financial obligations that he chose.  Soooooo….best guess…who do you think M requested to agree to financially support (in legal terms) number 2?   Me!  As if an affidavit of support wasn’t a legal document.   For me to agree to that would mean I could be hooked into paying for any issues that may arise with her once here.  Nuts I tell you.  Especially since she’s clamoring for him to divorce me!  So the first time he asked, I said no.  The second time, I said no a bit stronger.   And the third time he asked I (sadly) lashed out at him and told him that he IS the husband and he IS responsible for her.  He decided to marry her.  He decided to bring her here.  Then I told him he was bringing negativity into my life and maybe he should just stay away.  He responded with “you don’t want to help us.  Okay” and “you just care about your own money” and “a good Muslimah helps her family” and (my absolute favorite) “you just get upset over bull s! $ t.  Just leave it.”  When I pointed out to him how I felt disrespected by the request to help a girl that he himself told me wants me gone, he said “you always get mad for stupid reasons. “

    So now he will speak to me rarely.   I sent him salams after fajar.   He replied “Ok.”

  • Najwa5

    September 4, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum, 

    Can someone explain something to me why don’t some cowives respect each other time? Let me try to expect to explain better. When the hubby is at my house because its my night and time. The co always text and call early in the morning. He doesn’t answer at first but then he returns the call. Like literally we still be asleep and his phone will be blowing up. It annoys me so much. I just don’t get it. Like when he’s over the CO’s house I don’t bother him because that’s their time. I would want the same respect in return but nope.

  • ummof4

    September 3, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Correction: My son-in-law’s mother was 54 when she gave birth to him, not 57.  Still not a typical childbearing age.

  • Marah S

    September 3, 2016

    Shukaraina

    My mother had me when she was in her early 40’s I’m her last baby. As long as you’re still getting your menstrual cycle you’re still in the game. There are things you can use to help you concieve. Like those phone  apps that help you track your cycle, ovulation prediction kits, taking prenatal vitamins. You can do some research there are tons of things out there that help. Ultimately it’s up to Allah to grant whoever he wants children, so make a lot of dua. In the end, if it doesn’t work out and your husband still ends up marrying another wife then, I think you will be okay as long as you don’t let shaytan make you ungrateful and despair of the qadr of Allah.

  • ummof4

    September 3, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Shukarina, unless you have already reached menopause, you can still become pregnant.     Doctors recommend that you wait at least a year of unprotected sex before getting the wife and husband checked out for the ability to conceive.  Relax, and you may get pregnant. 

    My last pregnancy was when I was 45, and I have a number of friends who had children in their late 40s and early 5os.  My son-in-law was born when his mother was 57.

    Everyone please remember to praise and thank Allah today.

    Also, if your husband would only marry a second wife to have children, what is his guarantee that he and she would have children?

  • shukarina

    September 3, 2016

    at the moment we are still trying for a baby. I’m already 42 and hubby is 33 so he could still have many years of fertility ahead but for me those days may already have gone …https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

    Even if he started a bit searching for another wife, it only made him realise  (what he already thought) it wouldn’t be that easy. So even if he would make some research now about the chances ,it would most likely still take 1-2 years at least to find someone he could feel comfortable with. During that time I might fell pregnant, who knows, and that would make him stop planning for a second wife. He just wants an easy life aso he knows we are all encountable some day for all our actions ,even about the equal and fair treatment required wen dealing with two wifes.

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2016

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back as soon as I can, ya all :-)

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2016

    Alison, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Hey there, dear Sister. I’m well and all is good. I’m the same as you keeping busy. I always look forward to you popping in and blessing us with your presence :-)

    You are such an unusual one LOL You swing back and forth from a monogamous to a polygamous marriage. Your polygamous marriage is definitely different than most. Oh, well, anyhow, enjoy the monogamy while it lasts and then enjoy the polygamy part of it, if and when it happens again. Just don’t fall asleep thinking that it may always be monogamous and you should be okay :-)

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello all you wonderful people,

    I hope you all are well :-)

    Mrcollies,

    Hello there. So you’re in springtime there in South Africa. How beautiful. It’s funny cuz where I am (in the US) we’re about to go into the fall. Fall is beautiful, as well. In fact, it’s my favorite time of the year. :-) You seem to be such a happy-go-lucky person. It’s good to try to stay positive and optimistic.

    On another note, I’m with Umm of2 that your wives may not find this blog a comfortable place to be, knowing that you are here and have spoken about them. Furthermore, I doubt the two would want to talk on the same forum about their marriage. Knowing that you are here talking about your marriage may cause some friction between you and them, if you were to tell them. It’s probably best that you absorb from here what is helpful and try to transmit it to them, if you can. It’s nice having you here with us.

  • Jasmina

    September 2, 2016

    Shukarina

    before moving ahead with polygamy why dont you and hubby try other options for you to have a baby. You are still pretty young, I’m sure there are many options inshallah. He is young he can wait few more years. Polygamy isn’t easy and you two may spend years trying to pursue it but if Allah doesn’t will it for u then it won’t happen and then you will have lost years of trying for a baby and problems will arise and you could end up separating. I’m pessimistic by nature! But yes so maybe try all options. May Allah make it easy.

  • Umm of2

    September 2, 2016

    Mrcollies you seem to have such a free spirit good for you. i still think it’s best to have them in seperate homes. Speaking from experience. It has been a struggle getting to where I am today. After much prayer to Allah, the things that used to irk my life, drive me insane no longer do. I’ve become content with my life with the help and guidance of Allah. I thank him for the life and opportunities HE has given me. There’s so many less fortunate, so many that are trying to figure out where their next meal for themselves and their children are going to come from, so many in search for a glass of clean water, warm clothing, so many adults and children both dying of cancer, so many with children suffering with disabilities. Polygamy is not the end of the world. Allah says in Holy Quran man is ungrateful and we are. It’s such a shame really. 

    I know your wives could learn so much from being apart of this blog. I know I have and countless others. But as soon as they read your comments they will know its you and your wives may know one another when commenting. They won’t feel safe here, like they can pour their hearts out because they may not want their cowife to know every feeling and thought they are having by writing those feelings here. 

  • Mrcollies

    September 2, 2016

    Morning, its spring months friday in south africa weather is so beautiful out side everybody in shorts

    To anyone out there whose feeling down, get up and go put on ur smiley lip stick and shine.

    Thanks for all the comment family

    @Arzoo – I’m trying, I’m my best each day, my family means everything to me, I’m blessed with two beautiful and wonderful women in my life, all I’m going to do is to cherish them each and every moment of my life.

    We Christians believing in God

    Its such a long story, I dont know where to start, since this week tuesday, love can defeat anything, its so powerful, but I’l explain what happened during this week later

    I’m greatful, seeing my wives trying to accept each other, re-gaining control of thier lives, they starting to believe in me again, to trust me and one another, in a same house, honestly polygamy is not supposed to struggle, its nothing wrong with it, Allah/God has placed  has placed us where He wanted us to be, only us can make it work

    again to all the first wives out there, speak to ur sisters, try make peace with them, accept them take them in and love ur husbands, allow the family to unit, there is no reason to die inside every single moment, life is too short to be carrying a pain day and night and I always say to my wives the only way to easy the pain is to unit and be one family whether in separate houses or  one house, only if we can love each other

    @Shukarina – I dont care wat another person is thinkin about me, about us, day before yesterday I was driving with both of them we stopped at the petrol station, for gas, I couldnt give a damn what the person thought, I careless, no one buys me a bread to feed me, its my life our lives, and funny this time while I didnt give a damn about someone else(or do not care what someone else is thinkin…) while we were waiting for gas, there radio was playing a love song, both of them were singing along, it was so nice seeing them singing and laughing

    as for the approval of the family, I dont think its a problem really even to ur family, as long as u and only u have accepted, if my wives go home to tell their parents and family that I decided to take another wife, and she has accepted it and we also in one house then that makes things easier

  • anabellah

    September 1, 2016

    Marah S,

    You took the words right out of my mouth- What you said to Shukarina.LoL, but you said it better – more concise. Well said, Sis. Allah tells us not to concern ourselves about the reproaches of others. They won’t accept us unless unless we follow their way.

  • Marah S

    September 1, 2016

    Shukarina, 

    Theres no telling how your family will react even if they were Muslim. Unfortunately a lot of Muslims these days look down upon polygamy and they look down on any one who practices it or accepts for her husband to practice it. The first thing people tell women who’s husband wants to remarry is that she should divorce as soon as possible. These people hate what Allah has sent down. If your family members don’t react positively then just keep in mind you don’t need their approval, you only need approval from Allah.

  • Marah S

    September 1, 2016

    Yay a new thread, time just goes by so fast!

    mrcollies, I think you’re on the right path. All you can do is fix the living situation so that your wives have enough space from each other to heal and grow from the initial hardship that comes from polygamy. Then after that just give them time. It may take years for them to get to a good place you just have to be patient and keep showing them love, treating them equal, and trying your best to keep them happy. Idk what religion you practice, but for a lot of the women here who are Muslim we believe Allah made polygamy a right for the men. So we center our healing process around God. Mostly trying to focus our deepest love and devotion on God rather than our husband. I personally believe that a women who’s struggling with polygamy or even other hardships in life, must turn to Allah and Allah will heal them and guide them. Idk if any of this means anything to you or if it will mean anything to your wives if they are not Muslim.

  • shukarina

    September 1, 2016

    I mean give more attention to me than my ex never did…time to me to go to sleep now as my text will be hard to read soon https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

  • shukarina

    September 1, 2016

    I meant to write “would they think my hubby should NOT get a second wife ” regarding my family’s reaction, just wanted to correct that.

    Also I know that nobody, even my hubby, can never guarantee to love me forever & never leave me no matter how much we think that would never happen. I never thought I would divorce my ex and it happened anyway coz Allah made me realise I deserve to be treated better to make a long story short. What makes my hubby’s believe in our marriage feel so special and sincere to me is that he’s been looking for a wife long time and met so many potential wife-to-bes but never found that special one before he got to know me. He was also a virgin wen we married which makes our marriage a special one as I’m mum of four lol…I can feel he’s great fulness every day of having found me and I feel the same. Even if I had to share him some day I could still continue to be with this wonderful person. My ex was in front of fotboll matches 24/7 so even if sharing my hubby with another wife he would probably still spend more time and give more time to me than my ex ever did…

     

  • shukarina

    September 1, 2016

    Salam Ana & all. 

    Thank you for your comments on my post. It’s really interesting to read some duscussions on this blog. Right now I feel more use to the idea of my hubby getting second wife but when it really happens it’s hard to predict how how my feelings will be then.

    I read in lot of posts here how the husbands have got married with a second wife behind the first wife’s back and that is something I have hard to accept. My hubby’s is alhamdulillah always open and honest about everything he’s doing and said if he found someone to marry, he would let me meet the sister first to see what kind of person she is.

    Even if I would be content and accepting living in polygami, I can’t help thinking how my parents and other family members (non muslims ) would react specially in the beginning. Would they think my husband should go ahead with the second marriage? They might think he should accept he would be childless as he knew my age from the beginning.  Would they avoid talking about it? What if they would meet my hubby’s future children? Would I live my life trying to more or less hide the second marriage, depending on who I’m in contact with and how judging or open minded I think the person is…

  • Arzoo

    September 1, 2016

    Mrcollies, This blog has a lot of input from women but i think you are currently the only male contributor to the blog. Its very helpful to hear men’s perspective, polygamy struggles and i am glad you have access to great advice from polygamous sisters on this blog. I think your wives will appreciate that you are making efforts to find ways to make them happy and avoid conflict in your family. They will feel supported e.g. for the advice women gave here to provide separate houses. Are you concerned about something specific you said about them here? Why worry if you are saying the truth. I think sooner or later they will have to accept the truth that you care for, love and want to live happily with them both.

  • Mrcollies

    September 1, 2016

    I need an advice, I need to find a way of inviting my wives to this blog it really helps a lot, I’m learning something everyday, but they will see my comments and I do not want that,

  • Mrcollies

    September 1, 2016

    To everyone I have a question from a woman’s side of view

    What advantages(positives) do u have, having another sister in marriage

  • Karima

    September 1, 2016

    Salam have a nice month all of you lovely people!!!

  • Mrcollies

    September 1, 2016

    Hello everyone, hope ur all doing well in the new month new discussion, so glad to be part of the blog

  • Umm of2

    September 1, 2016

    A new month of discussions ?

  • Alison

    September 1, 2016

    Asalam aleikum hope all is well anna sorry been so busy with my monogamous life that do not have time for myself to put my feet up i swear polygamy has its advantages it’s been long since it swung the other side

    Hope all has been well.  Love you all

  • anabellah

    September 1, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for September 2016. We thank you all for being here with us. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussion. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the August 2016 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-August-2016-discussions/