Polygamy and the Agonizing Pain

polygamy and the agonizing painA woman often talks about polygamy and the agonizing pain that she feels while in a polygamous marriage. Only a wife who has felt the pain knows how awful and heartbreaking it is. Someone may say that she feels someone else pain. However, unless the person has been in a polygamous marriage, it’s impossible for her to know how it feels. She can’t begin to know.

It’s one thing to talk about polygamy and the agonizing pain that a wife feels when she’s in a polygamous marriage. But, it’s another thing to talk about what will help to relieve it.  For instance, what is the remedy?  Ultimately, to fix it, the wife must turn all her attention to Allah. So, what does that mean?

Basically, Insha Allah (if it’s God’s will), she has to get on her prayer rug as often as possible, and plead, beg and cry, to Allah. She has to ask Him to help and to guide her. The wife must ask Him to forgive her for all the wrong that she has done in the past; that she is doing in the present, and that she will do in the future. Furthermore, she must ask His forgiveness for all the wrong that she does that she is not aware of. The wife needs to humble herself to Allah. Additionally, she must pray that He’ll make all things better for her.

We need to remember that Allah says he answers prayers. He also hears each person as soon as he or she calls on Him. Reading the Quran is essential. We are to read as much as is easy for us, especially in the early morning hours. Allah says that prayer in the morning carries its testimony.

The wife may think that the pain will never go away. Although, it will. However, she has to first do her part. In particular, she must worship and serve Allah. Knowing what Allah expects of her is of utmost importance. It means knowing what Allah instructs us to do and what not to do. She has to learn what He tells us to believe and believe it. All that we needs to know is in the Holy Quran.

About polygamy and the agonizing pain, the wife should align herself with those who help her to focus on Allah

Without a doubt, keeping her mind on the perceived problem will not help. But, staying focused on Allah will help her to get through the troubling time. It will help her to keep her sanity. It is important that she keeps the company with those who have the right understanding of Islam. In other words, it means being with those who get it.

A wife should not let herself become attached to created things. Allah does not want us to love anything or anyone more than we love Him. She should not try to own what belongs to Him, such as husband, wife, or children etc. If she does, He may take those things from her as a warning, test or punishment or have them turn against her.

The wife must try to stay strong and not give up. It’s what perseverance is about. Additionally, she must remember Allah much and often. He will take her through it. She must hold on. It is doable. It could be a means to help her enter Paradise. She should strive for Paradise and make it her goal.

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  • Najwa5

    September 4, 2016

    Shukran Annabellah

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2016

    Najwa5, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    What you’re going through sounds about right. For a while it seems a wife has it all under control and is doing just fine in a polygamous marriage and the next thing she knows, she’s back at square one again. She seems to have regressed. It’s why we refer to it as a wife being on a “roller coaster” ride. It’s a battle with self that one goes through. It could be a test of perseverance and determination to succeed. Don’t give up and don’t beat yourself up about it. Insha Allah, you’ll do better in time and then it will be fairly smooth sailing. It will end if you keep turning to Allah for His help and guidance. We get tested for us to see how much we want to pass,not fail or get an incomplete. We want to prevail. We can only do it by worshiping and obeying Allah as He instructs us. It will never be a place where we can get complacent. It’s a constant uphill battle till the day we die, BUT it gets easier when we do the right thing. It’s all good. You’re going to be okay. 🙂

  • Najwa5

    September 3, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum I thought I was doing okay with polygamy for the past two weeks. But now I’ve done regressed. I’m starting to argue with the hubby more and I’m somewhat becoming depressed. Smh, when will it end.

  • Mrcollies

    September 1, 2016

    Hi All

    I just read this topic and comments, now my question is, how do we then turn the pain, jealousy and all the negativity into the opposite 

    I don’t think Allah(Lord) will be pleased with all these negative entities happening our marriages

    Surely He wants us to be happy, proud and positive in everything, should we encourage these negative emotions of pain and the rest, that means we are sinning to Him, so now we need to find a way of getting rid of these negativity and do want our Father will be proud of. 

    surely wat ever happen its for a reason, I’m being blessed with 2 wives, and I love them so much, and would do anything for both of them, I treat them the same equally,

    what I’m trying to say is that #allnegativitymustfall

    lets work hard towards loving one another especially our family and family include your sisters, love ur sister treat her good then the pain and jealousy will go away, that way we will be happy no matter what the devil throws at us and our generations, and remember there are kids involved, if my first wife does get along with my second wife obvious our kids are going to do the same thing, and one day when we no more as parents they might need each other,

    lets just get along


  • Karima

    August 14, 2016

    Salam Ana great response to Farah Mashallah. Good reminder for all of us

  • anabellah

    August 9, 2016

    farah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Don’t think that you have to stay in a polygamous marriage and have no way out, if you are unhappy in it. Some women may get the wrong impression about this website. We try to help women who want to stay married to their husbands because the husbands and wives love each other and their only major complaint is polygamy. All couples have their problems. I’m not talking about minor problems. This is the gauge: If the women would not get divorced if it weren’t for the husbands becoming polygamous, we try to help the wives cope with the problems associated with polygamy. Their only complaint is that their husbands have other wives.

    If you are unhappy because your husband is using you to take care of him and his other wife, he vents his anger towards you and doesn’t treat you kindly and with justness then you could make your intent to leave the marriage. Allah determines if and when we leave a marriage or stay in it. You could make your intention to leave and call on Allah for His help in doing it.

    You have read enough here about Pakistanis and their way of life to know that it’s not Islam. You don’t have to stay in a marriage in which you don’t feel love and are being mistreated.

    As I stated, we’re here for you to talk, if you want to. Just jump in {{{hugs}}}

  • farah

    August 9, 2016

    Assalamualaikim Anna

    Many thanks for your reply..I’m a silent reader on your group and often just read .I am reading your post over and over and yes nobody knows that pain .The jealousy eats u up and I keep blaming them both you so right .

    I am weak and I’m trying to be strong inshallah

    I recently saw her pictures and I know this sounds bad but u know these Pakistani woman are non less than the men

    They are always after things and in the end I’m the fool working for both these two.

    I feel she is the pedestal wife and I am he worker wife

    I feel she gets the love attention

    I get the anger 

    I have so much of hatred I don’t know how to get rid of it

    Thank you for being there to listen to me as I vent my anger



  • anabellah

    August 8, 2016

    farah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m sorry to hear you aren’t feeling that well today. Insha Allah, you will feel better today or tomorrow. Each day is different. Insha Allah, read the post often and try to implement what is said in it.

    You can be pain free. Without a doubt, the pain can go away and you can be happier and more at peace than you have in your entire life. You may find yourself thanking Allah so much for your life and not wanting it to be any other way. I know it for a fact.

    farah, we ALL are weak in faith. I am, you are, and each and every person on the planet is. Allah says that if it wasn’t for His Mercy we’d all be in the Hell Fire. It’s for us to keep working on ourselves to get better – to get our souls purified. There is no perfect person walking about on this planet. You’re on the right track. You know why? Because you acknowledge that you are weak in faith. Do you know how many people out there take offense to being told their faith is weak and deny it? Such a person can’t be helped.

    The problem in trying to help others is that no one knows the other person better than the person knows herself. We all have different weaknesses; although some may be the same. You have to do some soul searching and see what is really troubling you. Okay, you said jealousy. All women in polygamous marriages struggle with jealousy. One has to learn to subjugate it. We have to learn to not let it control us. Recognize the feeling and nip it in the bud. You’ll need Allah’s help in doing it. It’s a battle with oneself.

    What could be holding you back is your belief. For instance, if you are still clinging to the thought that your husband and his other wife have wronged you, then you will continue to suffer. As long as you think they have power and they decided their marriage and decide anything, you will continue to suffer. Allah says only He has power. He says He disposes of all affairs. It means He arranges and put in order ALL affairs – all that we do and all that we are etc. Not everyone believes it. It’s the difference between a believer and a non-believer. There are some people who say they are Muslims, but are non-believers.

    I don’t know if you’re still blaming your husband and his other or not. Only you know. It could be something else that is going on with you. As I stated, only you know what is truly bothering you that is delaying your progress.

    Insha Allah, don’t stay away so long. We’re here to chat with you. Try to pull yourself up out of the funk. Fight it. Tell yourself you won’t give in. Try not to wallow in it. Plead to Allah to relieve you of the pain and suffering. BELIEVE that He will. If you don’t believe that He will, then He won’t. Allah is to His servant what she believes Him to be.

  • farah

    August 8, 2016

    Assalamualaikum Anna and All


    Inshallah will try this as am highly depressed and seem to not get on ….I have heavy jealousy and yes you may be right …maybe my imaan is not strong 


    But the pain is bad

    Will it ever go away


  • anabellah

    August 5, 2016

    If anyone is interested in speaking with Emily, contact me via the “contact us” form and I will give you her email.

  • Emily

    August 5, 2016

    Hi I am working on a TV show and looking to speak to people who have been effected by this issue and would be willing to talk about it I understand this is a sensitive issue but if you would like to be be part of this please let me know x  

  • Karima

    August 2, 2016

    Salam I still have a long way to go but I hurt less than before Alhamdulellah 

  • Jasmina

    August 2, 2016

    Couldn’t agree more! This is exactly what is working for me. Allah took away my ‘pain’ in a very short time span, 2 weeks exactly, after many years of being clinically depressed with anxiety and much sadness and pain. It is only Allah who can heal our hearts. 

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum All,

    I know most of you know what is in the above post/thread. It is for those who are new or silent readers as well. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif I haven’t written a new post/thread in quite a while. I had some free time, so I wrote one. Alhumdulliah.  I have to take advantage of the time when the opportunity presents itself.