Polygamy and the Damsel in Distress

Polygamy and the Damsel in DistressI have a problem with the polygamy and the damsel in distress or the “woman in need” theory.  First of all, women usually refer to the “woman in need” when speaking of polygamy. They talk about it with regard to wives who marry 2nd, 3rd or 4th. The theory hurts women a lot. Actually, it turns women against women and against polygamy. The “woman in need” has a negative connotation.

Many have embraced the idea that polygamy (as in women marrying married men) is for a certain class of women. Those in need qualify for 2nd, 3rd or 4th wives. Might I ask, in need of what? Some say the women should have children, be widowed, divorced, old or poor. I still don’t know how  those women qualify for 2nd, 3rd or 4th wives only, in the minds of some. Why do they not qualify for 1st, as well? Surely, many of them are 1st wives.

Women who married other than first don’t need to fall into a special group. They don’t need to have issues. The women who didn’t marry as the first wives are no different from the ones who did. Did the ones who married first have special needs? I’m sure they had many of the same needs as the ones who married 2nd, 3rd or 4th.  A woman wants a husband who is her companion; a man to have children with; a sexual partner; one to help her financially etc. So, why do some make it seem that those who married other than 1st are so different. Rather, they view them differently?

Polygamy and the damsel in Distress concept is simply a fallacy

People are people. Women and men are dealing with life. Therefore, there is no special condition that the woman must have for a man to marry her as a 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife.

Basically, one would think that the woman who married first and in a monogamous marriage was of the elite. However, she is not. Many want people to believe that those who married a married man were spoil goods or were undesirables or were charity cases. It’s wrong and it’s hurtful to think that way.

Here is my question to you: Why do women and men get married? Well, those are the same reasons that those who marry 2nd, 3rd or 4th give. Until Muslims stop seeing polygamy as a big deal, people won’t accept it the same way that they do monogamy. In conclusion, the only difference between polygamy and monogamy is that the man has more than one wife. He can have up to four at one time.

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Polygamy and the damsel in distress

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65 Comments

  • Marah S

    July 23, 2017

    Where I come from second wives aren’t generally regarded as damaged goods. Their seen as superior to the first wife. Their expected to always be the favorite and most beloved wife. I was subconsciously taught from a young age that men only marry additional wives when their first wives are failing. This is what I saw and heard from the polygamous men around me.

    I always thought of second wives as the upgrade to the first wife because the man has the opportunity to look at what he has and choose a person that has better qualities than her.

    When I first got married it really plagued me, I was soooooo insecure. I felt like I had to give my husband the skin off my back in order to keep him from looking elsewhere. I was desperate to have a baby so he wouldn’t look elsewhere. I was desperate to be the best house keeper so he wouldn’t look elsewhere. I adopted his culture as best I could and jumped through hoops to please his family. All I ever saw was my faults and how there was some gorgeous woman out there who’s got it all together and would be ready to swoop in and steal his heart, mind, and body as soon as I slip up. I only saw my mistakes, shortcomings, and deficiencies.

    I had such bad anxiety about it which also made me depressed and for a while I couldn’t even get out of bed anymore, I’ve come a long way but sometimes I wake up and find myself back in that place and I have to pull myself out.

  • Sheikha

    July 23, 2017

    This was a refreshing post to read and as others have commented, I appreciate how the comments that perpetuate stereotypes about 2nd, 3rd or 4th wives were shut down. There is a lot of stigma attached to plural marriage and it hits both ways – the notion of deficiency in the 1st wife leading to the man wanting another, and the perceptions of non-1st wives being lesser or damaged.

    At the end of the day, I think there is often some truth to these generalizations but it hurts us to acknowledge them so we push them away. Let’s reflect on why a man seeks another wife. Sometimes it’s to rescue the damsel, sometimes to get his freak on in halal, sometimes he just happens to find someone he falls in love with and she becomes 2nd only by virtue of the time he met her in life. But….If someone’s needs are fully being met, would he even contemplate another wife? The exception might be someone super pious and helping a sister who is in dire need. But this is where we need to sidestep blame because people attribute “not having needs met” to a failure by the 1st wife or a problem in the marriage, when in reality, people’s needs change over time!!! His needs may have evolved or changed in a way that it was beneficial to him to take another, and 1st wife is still completely meeting her obligations in helping to meet his needs as she understands them or as is in her capacity.

    Now let’s flip to the 2nd wife. She might be “damaged goods” as some might hurtfully say (divorced, destitute, single Mom, on the wrong path, etc, etc), or she might be the Rolls Royce of women (the elusive virginal, young, beautiful, successful, educated lady), or more likely, somewhere in between. Why is she not married already if she’s a great catch and why would she deign to accept to be a second (“something must be wrong with her”, they say, “she must be desperate”)? Again, we don’t like to hear it but there might be some truth. She might be accepting an offer than she wouldn’t have accepted earlier in life because she fears being alone. Or she might have wanted to wait until she was older to get married so as to fulfill her education and career goals first. Or she might be marrying “her perfect man” at exactly the right time for her and she’s 2nd only by virtue of the time he came into her life. And again that is where we need to sidestep judgment and accept that she and only she knows her reasons for entering the marriage, and whether she was completely satisfied, or feels lesser in the perceived hierarchy of wives, or feels like she settled.

    What about me? I myself am 2nd and I’m trying my hardest to get “2nd” out of my lexicon and only see myself as “a wife”. I feel the stigma of being a 2nd in a society that accepts it but with reticence and diminishing popularity. I do get “omg, why would you accept that” judgments and it sometimes detonates a little mind b0mb inside my head to say “wait, why DID I accept this??!!”, which goes to show that external comments can really have devastating results by creating doubt in one’s mind.

  • anabellah

    July 22, 2017

    I think women who are anti-polygamy, especially those whose husbands have taken on another wife try to find fault in the husbands and the women whom they married. If they don’t learn the TRUTH, (that it’s all about Allah and what He says), they suffer indefinitely, barring periods of respite.

    People try to find fault in others for the pain they suffer, instead of owning it.

  • Tasliyman

    July 22, 2017

    Ana,

    Flower is right, it was Laylah who said her husband can’t wait to leave after having sex with his other wife.

    In my post to Flower, which she politely declined to comment on, I mentioned the differences in criteria for “ticking the boxes” in her two posts which confused me.

    In her previous post she referred to the boxes/criteria that the second wife didt have to meet as successful, beautiful and being a believing woman.

    In a later post she mentioned the ticking of boxes for the second wife again but mentioned things like cooking, baking and having children.

    It was the believing woman part in the first post that was a bit disturbing to me, which is why I remembered the post.

    Then when she mentioned that she used to be a second wife it confused me. I didnt get why she would even say that if she herself was a second wife at some stage.

  • Flower

    July 21, 2017

    Ana

    That’s no problem at all. We’re only human, mistakes are normal for us. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    July 21, 2017

    Flower,

    I apologize for confusing what Laylah said with what you said. I wasn’t quite sure whether you or she had said it or it Laylah had. I didn’t have time to fact check it, although I knew I should have. Again, I humbly apologize to you for it.

  • Flower

    July 21, 2017

    Ana

    I never said that my husband married a woman who he can’t wait to get up and leave. That was laylah.
    I didn’t ‘clean up’ anything either, I didn’t reply to taslimans query.

  • anabellah

    July 21, 2017

    Tasliyman,

    I see Flower’s post as you did. She was changing her tune. I call it – trying to clean up what she had said previously.

    If she had been married before in the order of second, it makes no sense that she would speak about wives the way she did in her posts here. Her other posts degraded the wives. One would expect that she would be more understanding of polygamy.

    It’s shocking that she’d say her husband married a woman whom he can’t wait to get up and leave after he has sex with her. Apparently, she thinks it okay, although it speaks volume about the man she married, if what she said is true. I’m surprised he’d tell Flower something like it, unless he just wanted to make her feel better about being in a polygamous marriage.

    Anyhow, Insha Allah we all can move on now with beneficial dialogue.

  • anabellah

    July 21, 2017

    Tasliyman and Rosa,

    Thank you much for imputing about the matter. I feel as though I’m out here battling it alone sometimes.

    Insha Allah, more people will come to the blog, will get naked (as in become vulnerable), LOL and will open up and share their thoughts and feelings in a productive way. It’s the writers who make the blog what it is.

  • anabellah

    July 21, 2017

    no

    Rosa,

    I can’t understand why some come to the blog and begin berating and belittling wives who married in the order other than first. Certainly, I can understand how they’d be upset with and have strong feelings against their husbands’ other wives. However, for them to take it out on those who are here on this blog whom they don’t know, as you said, a “complete stranger” is uncalled for. It’s unnecessary and it’s wrong. Furthermore I won’t tolerate it.

    I’ve seen on a few occasions how some come here and regardless of what one says to them to get them on the right track, meaning don’t make it about hating on wives who married 2nd, 3rd or 4th, they keep the same dialogue going.

    Nonetheless, I intend to keep the blog a safe haven where all wives, regardless of what number they married in will feel comfortable speaking here. It’s why I emphasize that it’s a blog for those who have a POSITIVE interest in polygamy in Islam.

  • Flower

    July 19, 2017

    Tasliyman

    Iv already explained enough. I can’t see this conversation being of any benefit to the blog. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • Tasliyman

    July 18, 2017

    Flower,
    In a previous post when talking aboout ticking all the boxes you mentioned things like successful, beautiful and believing woman and something like a man rather marries a second wife who appears to be down and out.

    Now you talk about ticking all the boxes and you mention your preferences when it comes to cooking, baking and wanting children.

    There’s quite a difference in the description from your two posts especially the believing woman part.

  • Rosa

    July 18, 2017

    Flowers posts remind me of concerned as well. Exactly like her in fact. As a third wife it makes me very uncomfortable giving my input and thoughts with an anger and bitter person who comes off quite hostile to wives married in the order of 2,3 and 4. She has shown her distaste for us on more than one occasion. I feel sorry for her. She has some deep rooted issues apparently that runs so deep that she can bring herself to directing that bitterness towards complete strangers just because they married in an order other than first. Ana I love how you always bring everything back to a wu saa and extinguish the negativity

  • Flower

    July 18, 2017

    My time as a 2nd was exactly as I described. I didn’t tick all the boxes, nor did I intend to. He wouldn’t have chose me as a first because I would not have been willing to do the things he wanted/expected from an only wife. I didn’t want children at that time, I didn’t want to stay home and bake cookies, I didn’t even want to go to his family functions. I wanted love, companionship and intimacy and that’s what I got. There are many women who want what I wanted. I live down the road from a sister who only sees/wants her husband around at weekends. That doesn’t mean we are/Were any less than any other wife because we don’t have the same responsibilities and pop kids out. Or because we didn’t want the same things as his 1st.
    We don’t have to have the same thing or be married for the same reasons to be a wife. Some are insecure about being in polygamy some are not. It depends how you view yourself.

    Ana
    You can check my ip to confirm I only blog as flower.

    Have a good day all.

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2017

    Tasliyman, I have to read your post when I get back.

    @Everyone, I have to run out now. Insha Allah, I’ll approve posts while I’m out, if any come through. I won’t be able to reply until I get home later this evening. Have a good day, all, God willing. 🙂

  • Tasliyman

    July 18, 2017

    Ana,

    It really is awesome that you always discourage that kind of talk. I would never have felt comfortable enough to post and comment here if that kind of derogatory comments were the norm here.

    Alhamdulillah, I have moved past most of my petty insecurities and am no longer phased by these kind of things but I always think back to how I felt when I still had major adjustment issues and just came accross this blog. That’s the main reason why I will still comment and basically stand up for second and other wives. Hoping that if someone like me come across this blog at a time that they need help, that they will feel at ease and welcome to comment.

    At the same time I also wouldnt want first wives to feel that they cant comment unless they have something good to say about their co-wife. Wives dont always get along. It’s just one of those things and everyone should feel comfortable to discuss their problems without taking their frustrations out on the wrong people (as you so nicely put it) https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2017

    Tasliyman,

    I know exactly what you’re talking about. The derogatory things said about those who marry in the order of 2nd, 3rd and 4th is uncalled for. It doesn’t matter to me that someone wants to sugar coat it and say their words are not disparaging and to degrade women who marry in that order. I know how it comes across to me. It doesn’t matter how much some one tries to clean it up to look like or sound like something different. It still comes across the same way.

    Women who come to this blog and keep talking that way usually come to lash out because they are bitter and angry. The problem is they take there frustrations out on the wrong ones. We’re trying to help each other here.

  • Tasliyman

    July 18, 2017

    Ana,

    Laylah has a specific situation and if there’s anyone who can give her advice on how to handle it, that would be great (if she wants advice of course). I know I wont send my girl to a house where I know drugs are being used- no if’s, buts or maybe’s. The problem (for me) comes in when you generalize and make it out that all situations are the same.

    I am quite shocked at some of the things her husband apparantly said to her. Like the fact that he married the other lady because of his need to sleep with another woman, and then after he sleeps with her he wants to run for the hills (or something like that). What kind of man says something like that???? Plus if he can say these kind of things to Laylah about the other, what is he saying to the other about Laylah?

    I dont want to minimise the issues that she has to deal with I just dont agree with generalizing it to create the impression that men only marry another woman because of sex and that all second wives are of a lower standard than the first.

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2017

    Flower,

    If you know all of what you said in your last post, then why do you need me to tell you?

    Your dialogue in your previous posts reflected NOTHING of what you just wrote in your last post. Do you get off jerking people around? It’s the impression that I’ve gotten from your other posts and this last one. They are so totally different.

    As Taslyiman said, your posts sound very much like that of Concerned/Mena who came off the same way that you did and she got kicked out. I’m not about playing around all day and night with people that aren’t sincere and who want to take people out of character.

    So, if you could address any future comments the way you did in the last, you’re welcome here. If not https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif Because I don’t time for it.

  • Flower

    July 18, 2017

    Maybe this entire thread should be deleted, since it started the whole discussion. I agree with all of you. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2017

    Taslyiman,

    Thanks for speaking up. And by the way, the tone does resemble that of “Concerned/Mena”. It’s not good. It actually sets us back. I don’t have the patience for it.

  • Tasliyman

    July 18, 2017

    Ana,

    There’s not really much to say other than what has already been said.

    * Allah choose our spouses – you either believe it or you don’t.
    * You will get women with major problems like drug addictions who are first or only wives just as you will get women who are 2nd, 3rd or 4th wives who are not drug addicts and does not drag a husband down with her problems but instead supports him emotionally and otherwise while also bringing happiness to his life.

    * As Ummof4 pointed out – people get married for ALL KINDS OF REASONS regardless the order they married in.

    This conversation reminds me of the time that Concerned/Mena used to comment. Overall it is agreed that you should only be bothered with being the most righteous and your own relationship with Allah instead of who is best: first or second wife. Yet the underlying tone that keeps coming through is that women who marries in the order of 2nd, 3rd or 4th are of a lower class than the first wife.

  • Flower

    July 18, 2017

    Laylah

    We know the effects of bad company are huge but the effects of good company can be huge too. It may benefit your husbands other child to be around you and your children in a good, calm, drug free environment. I would draw the line at letting your children go there. Personally I’d have his child around as much as possible.

  • Flower

    July 18, 2017

    If that’s what that’s what the men are saying to each other then that’s what it is. Iv never heard of that to be a reason but it may be the case.

    I didn’t start a discussion in favour or against any woman based on the order she married. Iv heard what the men are saying and it isn’t that they aren’t intimate with any of there wives because they have given birth. I’m not referring to what men say to a wife, but what they say to each other.

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2017

    You said, ” It still doesn’t change the fact that men tend marry women in the order of 2nd that they wouldn’t have married as a 1st choice.”

    That type of dialogue is soooo hurtful and does no one any good. If a woman who married 2nd came here and started talking that trash about, for instance, he got with her because the 1st was a terrible wife who he didn’t want to be with her anymore, but has to stay with her because of all their kids and she’s fat and old looking now, with an out of shape vagina from pushing all those kids out and he want a young, tight, firm body, you wouldn’t like it, would you. So, why go there about the woman being someone who the man wouldn’t want as a first choice?

    Here, we’re trying to get a way from all that negative dialogue that is beneficial to no one. What is your problem? Instead of focusing on others women and their problems and the men who marry them, try to figure out what’s wrong with you.

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2017

    I think it’s beating a dead horse. Marriage involves people who are different, men and women. They will have problems. It’s the bottom line. No one is problem free. Allah can fix anything.

    I’d like to direct our focus on dealing with us who are here on this blog, not what is happening on any other blog. Please don’t bring here what is happening on any other blog. Deal with that dialogue where it originates. Leave it there.

  • Flower

    July 18, 2017

    I refer to my original point. Men and women, polygamous and monogamous are out there trying to fix someone else problems through marriage. Marriage does not and will not change a person’s situation if they continue to do whatever it was they was doing before the marriage. If the problem was the family and they are still in contact with and associate with the family a marriage will not change that. If the problem was they are bad with money and they continue the same habits a marriage will not change that. If the problem was with lifestyle choices and they continue that lifestyle , marriage will not change that.

    The only thing a marriage changes when a person is problematic is the new spouse now has a share in those problems. If they are polygamous it effects the other wife/wives. It makes no difference whatsoever what order the person married in. The problem person could be the newcomer, The current wife/wives or the husband. If they are monogamous then it will only effect the spouse. It doesn’t matter if the person married to help, uplift or massage their own ego, It still boils down to the fact that marrying problematic people gives YOU problems and doesn’t solve there’s. That was my original point, It had absolutely nothing to do with the order in which someone married

    When I replied to laylah, it was a separate issue that it does appear that that when a man enters polygamy he has less requirements for the type of woman he would accept. Abdullah confirmed this. Maybe because not many professional, young, beautiful, well to do women would want polygamy, maybe because the man in his 40’s or 50’s. Maybe because of a 1000 other reasons. It still doesn’t change the fact that men tend marry women in the order of 2nd that they wouldn’t have married as a 1st choice. I really don’t care why, that was not my original point, laylah brought it to my attention and I agree, it seems to be the case. Laylah only commented because a post was written which addressed only 2nd wives being a damsel in distress. My first comment address men and women, polygamous and monogamous and any wife no matter what order she married.

    The men out there are doing the exact same thing as us. Advising each other, warning each other and relating their story’s so others can learn. All the women in the world can come to this blog or any other blog and give us their side of the story but it still doesn’t give us the man’s side.

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2017

    Okay, I understand now. You say it’s a kids issue. Perhaps those who have kids will have some advice for you about it. Hellooooo anybody out there? Okay, I’m going to sleep now. So there may be some delay in approval of posts until I awake. Over and out.

  • Laylah

    July 18, 2017

    My only issue is my kids. What he does and how he wades through it. His deal. How do I safeguard my children from his impulse that is my problem. And my struggle. Polygamy can affect me and I can work through it. Fine. I just don’t want those negative influences from his other to enter my children’s lives. That is the thing… The wife wife thing is so ridiculously secondary to the welfare and wellbeing of my kids. He wants their sibling on that side to socialize and we are trying to navigate the situation so my kids are not brought into contact with her family. Y’all understanding me now?

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2017

    Tell your husband to stop belly aching about it and man-up. If he can’t take care of all her people, he needs to tell them that. If they don’t accept it, then TOUGH. It’s the way it will be. If he can’t deal the situation anymore, then he should pray to Allah for help. Based on what you said, he married the woman for lust. It’s what Allah tells us not to do. We aren’t suppose to marry to satisfy lust. So, he got off (satisfied his desires) and he doesn’t need her anymore. Oh, well… Deal with it, is what I’d tell him.

    It seems you’re placing more blame on that woman than where it needs to be – on your husband.

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2017

    You say it’s not your problem. Well, as much as you don’t want it to be your problem, it is. It is your problem, because it’s effecting you. You’re bothered by it; you’re thinking of it. It’s why you’re talking about it. What affects your husband affects you.

    Apparently he’s bringing their problems home to you, and you’re reacting to them. So, that “not my problem” that you spouted out is rubbish…

  • Laylah

    July 18, 2017

    Ok. Here’s what my husband is saying. He met her. And was in need of an additional woman to sleep with. She needed out of her crap situation. Which made him feel heroic. They were solving each others problems. Great! Cut to.. Present day… She doesn’t want to be separated from her loser family. She is currently living with them. They want him to support all of them. All the brothers on drugs and their families. And pay her parents bond. He is adamant in his no but he doesn’t feel like a hero anymore. He feels like a chump. His philosophy now? If you want to help a woman, help her. Don’t marry her. She doesn’t feel grateful and all hero worshipy anymore she is complaining and upset. My role. Actually. As in very early on every one labeled me the angstful one. Because why isn’t he like a 24/7 doting hero husband. Reality check, another family. Helllooo.. Do you see the problem? We are not knocking second third fourth wives
    . Many don’t marry in this way. But some do. And both men and women in that situation are being delusional. Expectations are way ridiculous. Because the hero saga and the damsel saga are over in a hot minute and sh#t gets real. That is all I’m saying. All the others are saying. And what my husband is complaining about. And the co is complaining about. To which I say not my problem… I’m not a damsel!

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2017

    Now, if you’re saying that those men out there in cyberspace are saying about the situation that the men should of, would of, could of gotten a different type of wife and had a better situation – well, should of, would of, could of don’t count. We’re dealing with reality here. The men have what they have. They’ve got to deal the hand that they were dealt…

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2017

    I don’t quite understand what you’re saying that those men are saying. What are they saying? -that they went and got problematic women who effect others around them and they can’t get rid of those women because they love those women so much or those women are putting it on them and they’re mesmerized and tantalized by them and ???? Explain it to me like I’m a two year old because I’m sorry, but I’m just not getting it…

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2017

    The man went and got that “problematic” woman whose “situation effects others around her”. HE WANTED HER. He went and got her and asked her to be his wife. It’s exactly how much he wanted her. He asked her to marry him. She accepted his proposal. They are man and wife. They must as husband and wife deal with any situation that presents itself-regardless of how good, bad or ugly that situation is. It’s what husbands and wives do. She didn’t force that man to marry her. He wanted her. He wanted her enough to marry her, which he did.

    It’s what the other wives who are married to those men need to accept and understand about their husbands’ and their husbands’ other wives. If they don’t want to do that and the men keep their other wives, then they knows where the door is…

    I don’t know where the women who married 2nd, 3rd and 4th are, as I feel all alone here defending them and it’s not my situation!!!

  • Flower

    July 18, 2017

    Even if a man is seeking to satisfy his desires it doesn’t take anything away from the situation the woman is in. It dosent take away the fact the woman is problematic and it doesnt take away how her situation effects others around her.

    We don’t often hear about the man’s side of the story, I’m just sharing what the men are saying.

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2017

    Polygamy and the Damsel in Distress

    Our HERO.

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2017

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Pretty much, you’ve wrapped it all uphttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif The reasons for marrying are as varied as the people who are marrying. We all could come up with our reasons for having married or wanting to marry. It’s what we think. Allah knows best why He has put us with the spouses whom we are with. We’re simply basing it on our desires, plots and plan when, in fact, Allah is the Best of Planners and the Master Planner.

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2017

    Excuse my French, but I think the “Damsel in Distress” theory is a crock of sh!t. Men aren’t running to rescue a woman as much as he is seeking to satisfy his desire. I think it was Laylah who said he wants to feel like a Hero. It still boils down to him wanting to make himself feel better. It’s a boost for his fragil ego. He wants to flex and feel manly Me Tarzan @ Polygamy 411

    The woman reaps the benefits from helping to uplift him. They uplift each other…I suppose.

  • anabellah

    July 17, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for your two cents on the subject. I tend to agree with your assessment. As you stated, usually men seek a second spouse much later in life. Although, a number of women who are quite young (in their twenties) have written here who are in polygamous marriages or were. Some of them were high school sweethearts, so to speak and then the men ended up marrying other women whom their parents chose, making them polygamous. I’m sure those men are quite torn between the love of their lives and satisfying their parents wishes.

    I agree that the older men tend to be more realistic. They know that it would not be as easy to get a “young, beautiful, highly educated/employable” woman to marry him while he is already married. Although, we’ve heard stories on this blog about older men actually marrying those type of women while they were already married. I don’t know how beautiful they were. They were said to be young and some were seeking a higher education.

    Probably women who come from certain countries in which older, unmarried women are seen as undesirable, those unmarried women would agree to marrying a married man, as you stated. As you stated, if you were looking in Pakistan, you’d have a tough time finding a woman who fits your specifications to marry you while you are already married. I agree; the country that the men and women live in matters. In the US women are marrying whether old, young, married, divorced, widowed crippled or crazy. LOL I just threw the crippled and crazy in there; although they are probably getting married, as well LOL

  • ummof4

    July 17, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Many years ago when I was in my twenties, many women in the US married for financial stability. Today, that is not what many women need in a marriage, particularly if the woman has degrees or training and has been working for several years. However, women do still need husbands, just as husbands still need wives. The reasons for marriage are as varied as the people getting married – companionship, love, halal sex, children, protection, to be taken care of or to take care of someone, the list goes on.

    Whether a wive is married chronologically 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th doesn’t matter. Everyone has their reasons to get married. Just remember, marriage is a part of life, not all that there is to life.

    May Allah guide all of us to be His righteous slaves.

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    July 17, 2017

    And that is to some extent what I think is the philosophy of Polygamy, A marriage of convenience and compromise. To marry to save oneself from temptations, to fulfill one’s desires in a halal way for a man and to safeguard one’s chastity and find financial and emotional stability in a husband for a woman ….

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    July 17, 2017

    AOA,
    My two cents are as follows.
    Men in most cases usually seek a second spouse much later in life when they are financially stable and more mature and experienced.
    They are realistic and more practical and tend to seek women who are willing to accept being a second wife which in most cases is next to impossible if the lady of interest is young, beautiful, highly educated/ employable and belong to a well to do or wealthy family etc. So they tend to match their attributes of desire against the circumstances of the women. The more dire the circumstances or limitations of a women to find a single husband the more they are accommodating towards polygamy and agreeing to marry a older man.
    When I was looking for a second wife I wanted someone educated at-least a graduate, beautiful and much younger like in the late twenties or early thirties similar to my first wife. Now for a woman in Pakistan she would have to be poor, divorced or widowed to be even willing to consider my proposal seriously.
    So it would have been a marriage or convenience and compromise rather a love marriage or marriage of choice.
    So in the end it may seem like saving a damsel in distress but most likely it was all the man could get at that point in his life.

  • Flower

    July 17, 2017

    Ana

    The first part of my first post was to do with 1st wives complaining that the husband didn’t marry someone needy enough, but if a husband did find and marry a damsel in distress then once all her issues start spilling over into her life, She complains anyway. It just goes back to the many excuses women make when they don’t want to accept polygamy. It wasn’t about who’s better or anything like that. We already know the answer to that. It’s actually irritating that some think all 1st wives are some precious little snowflakes and no one must rub her the wrong way…..the same as some think 2nd are lovely women with no ill intentions, who just want to be married. At the end of the day were all just women, flaws, and all. No ones perfect.

    After longer contemplation I realised there are cases where a good woman will try to save a man from his troubles and get caught up in them herself. The overall point is that we can’t save people from there own demons. But, of course as you rightly pointed out Allah selected our spouses, so I guess I’m just writing out some thoughts.

    I did agree with laylah though. It does seem that in many cases the 2nd wife doesn’t have to tick all the boxes the first does. Maybe men feel more comfortable marrying someone who appears down and out so he doesn’t have the guilt of marry a beautiful, successful, believing woman, kinda like a cover up for his want for another wife…..any wife. It come back to the wrong idea that polygamy is only for desperate times and desperate measures. Muslims have a long way to go.

  • anabellah

    July 16, 2017

    Laylah,

    Thank you for expounding. I appreciate it. 🙂 I understand what you are saying, and I don’t disagree with you. It’s similar to women whose concern is about who their husbands married as they fear contracting a STD. It would be nice if all the parties to a polygamous marriage were righteous or striving for righteousness etc. It’s the ideal. I’m not saying there aren’t marriages like that.

    I don’t know if you were Muslim raised by Muslim parents and you had a strict cultural upbringing such as the Pakistanis in which you were required to be a virgin with all the other restrictions and now your husband has gone off and married someone entirely different than you or what. If so, I could understand your frustrations. If it was the case, then apparently he did what the culture dictates and as he could have more than one wife, he’s fulfilling his other desires.

    As we know, there are men who will follow the lusts of their hearts. Furthermore, we know men shouldn’t marry for lust. However, some, maybe even many, do. When they do, they get caught up in such scenarios as you’ve described. I don’t know if your husband married for lust or what, cuz I don’t know him. I don’t know her either. I don’t know if she is striving to be a believer and has a drug addiction that she’s struggling with as well or what her situation is.

    I’m just saying that Allah has a plan for each and everyone of us. Some people He punishes; some He tests; some He tests and punishes; some are believers today and unbelievers tomorrow and vice versa. It what I mean by we have to play the hand we’re dealt or the cards we’re dealt or however the saying goes.

    You’ve got to do what is best for you and your children. It means making sure you’ve got yourself right with our Lord – Allah. If you keep focusing on your husband, it will drive you insane, ruin your health and you’ll be no good to yourself or your kids. The husbands are going to do them. The wives have got to do themselves. We can’t change our husbands. We can only work on changing ourselves.

  • Laylah

    July 16, 2017

    Yeah, I get what you are saying. In actuality based on what you said, I’ve realized, I am just echoing my husband’s sentiments. In other words what he has said to me. No I don’t think that every second third etc wife is a druggie, what I meant was he had to know the ins and outs of my life, if I came from a decent home, before he would marry me. But the next one, didn’t have to tick all those boxes. Do you understand? And now he is continuously complaining about her family, because they are mostly druggies, not working and want him to support them all. And his kid is in that environment. You are right, he just says all this stuff, but he wanted to marry the person… Even if he says it was to rescue her that can’t be the entirety of the reason. And it’s true, a man gets criticism either way. When you have kids though it’s very concerning. I have banned my kids from going there. And to be fair he has conceded that he can not send our children into that kind of environment. I guess my point, if I am to try and give a wholly neutral perspective is this…. If a man has a family already. There needs to be a certain level of scrutiny to ascertain that the next woman he marries does not endanger or jeopodise, even if just through the circumstances she exists in, the marriage that already exists. So rescuing a damsel in distress can do that. If we work from a premise of, polygamy being about preserving the integrity of family? That a man has the right to an additional wife so that he doesn’t break up his home, if he would like to sleep with another woman, then the way he selects her, should also be , with the preservation of his existing family in his mind. She isn’t in his life yet, or his responsibility yet. So his responsibility, his priority is his family, and he needs to engage with a woman whose lifestyle and even possibly mindset, is not to destroy what he is trying to preserve. If he wasn’t trying to preserve his existing family, he could have just divorced and moved on. I hope I made myself clearer.

  • anabellah

    July 16, 2017

    Pretty much men are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. A husband goes and gets a young, beautiful wife who has no kids and the first wife says why didn’t you go get a woman in need instead. Then when the husband goes and gets a woman in need, the first wife says, why did you go get one that needs so much and ain’t got nothing, one who who bring us all down. Shrug my Shoulders…

  • anabellah

    July 16, 2017

    I really don’t get how anyone could expect to be involved with problem free people. It’s not realistic to think it. People will have problem and issues.

    I’m not saying that it’s acceptable for a husband to go get a crack head or a nasty skank ho for a 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife either. If a husband goes gets one of those, it says a little something about him. So, what is a wife to do? She accepts it or leaves. If she can’t leave then she is forced to accept it. It’s pretty much how it goes.

    Is that what ya all are talkin abouthttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif

  • anabellah

    July 16, 2017

    Flower, I’m not really sure that I understand what you and Laylah have said. Correct me, if I’m wrong. But, what I get from it is that basically you both are saying that most first wives are good, upstanding, reputable women and the husbands go out and get the lowest of the low for 2nd, 3rd, and 4th wives. Furthermore, their relationships with those women impact the first wives and children’s lives. Then, basically, you have asked: Why can’t they get wives who are like the first one? It’s my understanding of what you both have said.

    I suppose it’s a question the women need to ask the men, cuz only they know for certain, unless you were just venting.

    Laylah, you said you think some men want to be heroes. Well, maybe so. We know men like to be needed, so maybe they go out and get women who they can help. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    Don’t overlook the fact that some men are oppressors, as well. They like taking advantage of the weak. Perhaps some go get women who they can control and rule over. Who is to say that many of the wives who married first aren’t that way, as well – weak and oppressed https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    If the husband went and got a druggie out of the drug house, then maybe he’s attracted to her in some way. If it’s not her looks, then maybe it’s what she does to sexually satisfy him. Something about her is turning him on.

    Many of the men will get wives to satisfy their desires. He got the first ones to satisfy their (the husbands’) desires as well.

    If you know your husband’s other wife is a “druggie” then don’t send your children off with him. Say, your other is a druggie and I’m going to protect my children. Tell him that you’re not going to send them to that woman of ill repute.

    If you don’t like the situation, make duah that Allah will remove you from the marriage and then wait on Allah’s decision.

    Many men may use the excuse that they go get women that they can help and make them 2nd, 3rd or 4th because they know if they say what the real reason(s) is they catch hell from their wives and other family members, society, as well.

    I don’t know if you have a question about it or was just venting, but those are my thoughts on what you both said.

  • anabellah

    July 16, 2017

    I moved some relevant comments over onto this thread.

  • anabellah

    July 16, 2017

    Flower,

    I reread the article that you wrote about the sister who has had loads of problems for over 5 years now etc. I can’t get a handle on what’s going on based on what you’ve written. I don’t even know if the woman whom you spoke of is Muslim. If she is Muslim, who knows if she prays, eat halal, read the Quran or cover (hair) and don’t reveal her breast, butt etc. Does she wear shorts, expose her legs etc? What does she believe? – in the trinity? Does she believe all that Allah tells us: in His Messenger(s); all His Books (mentioned in the Quran: Torah, Scripture); the Angels; Paradise and the Hellfire etc?

    All I know from what you wrote is that a man married a woman with ooooo gooo gobs of problems and her problems are affecting everyone and everybody around her. That is very common in life. I see it everywhere.

    One needs to look at the man, as well. If he’s got that woman then he deserves her. Allah is a Just God. Apparently Allah is either testing him with her or punishing him with her or punishing her and him or testing the both of them. I certainly dunno. Maybe it’s a blessing or maybe it’s a curse, only Allah knows.

  • Laylah

    July 16, 2017

    Thank you Flower x So true about the second situation I totally see how that could happen too.

  • Flower

    July 16, 2017

    It happends the other way too. Iv known good women who were looking for a good husband, had there life together. They find one who, they not only like but think they could help relive some of his stress from home, family and friends. It dosnt work like that, they get sucked into all of the problems. And abused by all of them.

  • Flower

    July 16, 2017

    Laylah

    It’s sad your in this situation. I know another man who found a troubled woman who has family issues also, He wanted to be the night in shining armour, married her in the order of second. He’s had death threats, his tyres on his car slashed and is constantly arguing with her family. It’s VERY common. The woman he married first is living on a knifes edge, She doesn’t know if her husband could be murdered down there, if her family will find out where she lives and try something. The husband brought this problematic woman into all of there lives, to help her, and her mess spills over into the other woman’s life.

  • Laylah

    July 16, 2017

    Salaam x
    The problem stems from men . Some of them give that perception. Both my father in law and my husband say the second woman they married, was done so they can uplift her. Although my father-in-law didn’t marry consecutively. And they married women from problematic homes where there is history of drug addiction and general messed upness in the family. Then they feel good like Heroes. So there is a thing out there, yknow… In my personal capacity, my husband is now experiencing great difficulty. All that family want to do is jump on his back. So what I am trying to say is, the criterion placed on me, the requirements I had to meet, no one following me has to rise too. My husband’s reasoning, and a certain subsection of men, is I have all that , now I can just follow my passions. I don’t agree at all. I mean subsequent offspring have to socialize with mine . I have to worry about the druggies, you know, my kids can’t socialize, can I send my daughters to a drug house? No! So I absolutely agree with this article, in that if you are adding to your self? You have a good decent family, shouldn’t that same expectation be placed on whomever comes next? I mean a second, third, fourth wife is given the same rights as the first, so she should be given the same scrutiny. Now he is in a situation, where when he is done sleeping with her, he wants to run like H for the nearest exit. And she is like talk to me, spend time with me… He’s like … Imagine cricket noises here….. And part of me is oooooh yeah vindication… But I am also worried about sanctity of my family. And they have a kid, and he is really sweet, Masha Allah. But going forward I’m worried about the safety of my six kids .

  • Flower

    July 16, 2017

    Ana

    I don’t define a needy person by the their marital status (divorced, widowed, single) or by their financial status or by the way they were created/born (attractive, unattractive, disabled mentally or physically or able bodied) but by what they declare their needs as. This is not the damsel in distress or the male in distress that I’m talking about.

    I’ll give an example of a person I know, although this situation is far from uncommon. She was an unmarried mother of 3, (no problem there) however she had ‘problems with just about every aspect of her life. She was in debt, she had trouble with her neighbours and family members, she couldn’t hold down a job and didn’t continue any kind of education after high school. Almost everyday she had a different issue and new problems. The list seemed endless, she was good at playing the victim. She said she needed a husband to ‘help’ her. She found a husband. STILL now over 5 years later she still has these ongoing issues and problems. When we dug a little deeper it turns out she didn’t have a good character, she looks down on people, she’s arrogant, selfish and complains a lot. This husband she wanted to sort all her problems couldnt help her at all, she just dragged him into a spiral negativity that she blames him and everyone else for. BUT the problem is HER. Even her children (who are young adults) Are affected by her.

    When I say intention or choice or whatever anyone wants to call it. Im referring to the aspect of life which we are accountable for. We would not be punished or rewarded for something we played no part in. You say sometimes that the people of the middle East are in the situation they are because they turned their backs on Allah, so He turned His back on them (not literally, of couse). The clue is in the first word, ‘They’, they did something which caused them to be in the situation they are in, it applys to all people of all times. When we do something good, we reap the benefits of it, either here or in jannah, It’s the same when we do something bad. The point of the post is, if a person is consistently in a bad situation, One needs to investigate why. What are they doing wrong? Why aren’t their affairs being directed towards comfort and ease. As you quite rightly say, we need to be careful who we invite into our intimacy, who we marry (men and women) marriage doesn’t change a person’s actions, so why would a woman or a man think that their presents is going to change how a person acts in life. Only Allah can help them so why would a person think they can go through the back door and sort something that would have already been solved if the person was acting right in reqards to the religion.

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2017

    Mari2,

    I’m glad you spoke on how the men think they all deserve virgin wives. As you know, the whole idea has nothing to do with Islam. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is our example. His first wife and only wife when he was monogamous was a widow. I think I read somewhere that she had been married twice before she married the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and she was 15 years older than he. When he married and became polygamous some of his wives were widowed or divorcees.

    When the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives were giving him a hard time, Allah revealed an ayah (verse) in the Quran in which He said he’d replace them with wives who were previously married or virgins. It didn’t matter, other than He would replace the others with those who were better.

    So, the whole concept of the wives needing to be young virgins is an innovation. It’s not following the way of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). To say the wives must be cousins or Pakistani (the same nationality) all is contrary to Islam. The Prophet Muhammad(PBUH) married women from various tribes to bring people into the folds of Islam.

  • Mari2

    July 15, 2017

    I think much of it is culture. In Pakistan a divorced, or widowed woman is pretty much non remarriage material since so many men think they deserve only virgins as wives. And poor women there, virgin or otherwise have few marriage prospects due to their inability to bring a dowry to the marriage.

    Number 2 had a hard time accepting the fact that she was 2 for many reasons, and one reason was because she was a virgin. It does bother her that M won’t divorce me because part of her believes that because she was a virgin when she married him and I wasn’t, he should then cast me aside since she’s a “better” wife. We all know that virginity is but a physical state. But for some people it’s all that. So in some cultures it isn’t about a woman being old, divorced, widowed…shes looked down upon for not being a virgin bride. As if her past experiences rendered her unworthy.

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2017

    Maybe a wife would be okay with her husband’s selection if he had married Siamese twins. It’s a person with special needs. Oh, but maybe she’d still see it as a problem and rightly so. He would have been married to two sisters at the same time and it’s not allowed in Islam. Let me think on it some more… Special needs, ummmm LOL

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2017

    Flower,

    I really like your last post about the “special circumstances.”

    I’m writing quickly on the choice/intention subject. I think choice is an illusion. I certainly don’t believe in the concept of people making bad choices. It’s so cliche now-a-day.

    People don’t really make bad choices (again, choice is an illusion). People must deal the cards that they’ve been dealt, so to speak. Allah chooses are spouses for us. Of course, we are still accountable for to Allah with reference to all things. In your post, you made it sound that men need to select ideal women who aren’t going to make waves or cause trouble or have problem. Some people are tried and tested, as well as punished. All people are going to go through a thing. This life is not Paradise/Jannah. So, to say the men need to make better selections when it come to wives SIGH….Ugh, NO!

    Now, if a man married a woman for lust etc. Yeah, he’ll still need to account for it. Perhaps Allah wrote for him to marry such a one to lead him further astray as he was already astray.

    Please excuse any errors as I said I wrote this quickly, as I must run.

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2017

    Flower,

    Thank you for giving me the idea for a posthttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    Here is a link to it: Polygamy and the Damsel in Distress

  • Flower

    July 15, 2017

    Ana

    I think most women who face unwanted polygamy have their ‘special circumstances’ most think they fall into a category which means for them and ONLY them polygamy was wrong or not allowed. There’s such a long list of them, like, he doesn’t have enough money, time, patience, it may be so, but it’s not her decision. She has children or no children, she pays towards the bills. The list goes on and on. It’s whatever they can think up at the time.

    It’s the same with the men. They too have ‘special circumstances’ that, to them means they HAVE to have another wife. They think It’s incumbent on them, usually because they’ve found a needy woman, lol.

    It’s crazy, I’d love it if people could just be 100% real. The man knows he can, if he WANTS, and the women know he can if he WANTS. There not much more to it.

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2017

    Flower, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Thank you for imputing and sharing your thoughts in the post below. It’s funny. It seems not many people think or they just don’t care to share what they thinkhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    I think when women say it would be easier to accept polygamy if their husbands married women in need, it is hog wash. As you said, how would him marrying of woman in need make the pain lesser? Regardless of who the man married, she’d probably have some reason to say it’s not the right one. None would be the right one, as she doesn’t want it or didn’t want it to happen at all. It’s easy to come up with why someone doesn’t want something or doesn’t like something, but what does it mean? How does it help?

  • anabellah

    July 15, 2017

    Do anyone have any thoughts about what “Flower” said?https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

  • Flower

    July 15, 2017

    Assalamu alaykum All.

    I recently read something from a men’s forum that got me thinking about some of the topics on this blog. It ties in with what We’ve found out about Pakistani men and also the type of women our husbands marry or were already married to.

    The sentence was “when you rescue a damsel in distress, all you get is a distressed damsel” in other words, if you marry a problem all you get is problems. We often hear women say, if my husband married a woman in need it would have been easier or less painful, why would that be true. It’s not the needs or lack of needs of the new woman which is painful. A needy woman is an inconvienience though, if she has problems and issues up to her eyeballs before the marriage it can only mean that she doesn’t make good choices/intentions and is not basing those intentions on Islam, that’s not a person you would want your husband to marry. If a woman has her life together it’s a strong indication she makes her intentions based on Islam. Being married to this type of women should only be a good thing for the husband and the current wife/wives. Sooner or later her problems or lack of problems will impact all involved in the marriages.

    On the other side of the fence if a woman marries a man who has a lot of problems either with his own family or in his current marriage(s) it’s a strong indication this man doesn’t base intentions on Islam or those around him don’t. Sooner or later those issues will impact the new woman and her marriage. The new woman cannot ‘save’ the man from his life, his wife/wives or his family. They are only inviting all of that into their own lives.

    We know that the majority of pakistanis (men and women) are steep in culture, which means they come from a long line of bad choices and intentions, because they are not based on Islam. When the woman meets the man she is aware that he is dealing with a lot of issues ranging from financial to family loyalty.

    Why would we think that a marriage would erase the habit of making poor choices/intentions. Surly we would only be inviting issues and problems into our homes/lives. Why do we feel the need to save those who don’t want to save themselves. Of course it is good to help those in need but not to the extent that their problems become your problems because this will impact on the rest of the people around you,then we ALL have a problem.