Polygamy and the Prophets of Allah

polygamy and the Prophets of AllahWhen it comes to polygamy and the prophets of Allah, there is a lot that is not known. We know that Abraham, Jacob, and Muhammad (PBUH) were a few who were polygamous. Some say Prophet Solomon (PBUH) was, as well. Then again, I’m not aware of all the Prophets who engaged in it.

For one thing, the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was not the first man who lived polygamy. Surely, people lived it years before the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received the revelation (the Holy Quran). The Quran regulates polygamy in terms of the number of wives that a man may have at one time. The rule of justice applies. It is important to note that man abolished polygamy. In effect, it was man who said a man could only have one wife.

Consequently, men began to follow man-made laws. Erroneously, Muslims began to believe that they must abide by the “laws of the land.” They didn’t care that the laws were in conflict with what Allah says. It’s baffling how they could think that Allah would tell them to disregard what He says and put man before him. After all, He created man.

Polygamy and the Prophets of Allah go hand in hand. It was a beautiful lifestyle that many of them lived

Unfortunately, many Muslims today follow the masses and condemn polygamy. Selfishness is a reason for their disapproval of it. Most women want a husband all to themselves and simply don’t want to share. Consequently, they rebel against a lifestyle that Allah has allowed. As a matter of fact, they try to find any excuse not to accept it. Not only don’t they embrace it, but they shun women who do. It’s done by belittling and frowning upon them. It goes without saying that the people who ridicule those who accept polygamy only ruin their own souls. It’s wrong to reject what Allah has ordained for some to live.

Some women have said that just because Allah allows polygamy for men, they don’t have to live it. They fail to realize that if a man or woman is in a polygamous marriage, Allah placed the person in it. He wrote it for them before they were born. It takes a certain amount of knowledge of Allah for one to grasp it. Generally speaking, the knowledge comes from reading the Quran. But, not all will receive understanding and wisdom. Allah says that those whom He has given wisdom have been given a great deal of good.

To understand that a polygamous marriage is a way of life that we all can live, one must know about polygamy and the prophets of Allah

Allah tells us that all of His Prophets are our examples. Therefore, the mere fact that Allah tells us in the Holy Quran that Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was polygamous is enough for one to like it. In itself, it is enough evidence that polygamy is a form of marriage that is good. There is no more that one needs to know to get with it.

There are those who will try to find fault in polygamy. Furthermore, some turn to a couple of ayat (verses) in the Holy Quran to find discrepancies in it. It’s shameful. Allah does not contradict himself, nor does he try to trip us up. He doesn’t try to confuse us.

Additionally, there are some Muslims who wrong their own souls in that they rely on stories that aren’t in the Quran to support their dislike of polygamy. For instance, they use the story of Ali and Fatima; although those two are not our examples. A point often overlooked is that they aren’t mentioned in the Holy Quran. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), the seal of all the Prophets, is.

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44 Comments

  • Tasliyman

    February 28, 2016

    Ana

    Thanks for your reply to me (way down). If only I knew all these things a few years ago I could’ve saved myself so much pain. But then again I wouldn’t be who I am and where I am if I didn’t go through all these things. It was simply part of my journey to get closer to Allah.

    As always – Allah knows best.

  • Tawakkul

    February 27, 2016

    Fatima,
    Jazaakallah kahir I don’t consider myself to be knowledgable, almost everyone has the ability to read the Quran, and learn about the sunnah Alhamdulillah Allah has made it easy for us especially in these modern times where everything is at our fingertips.

  • Tawakkul

    February 27, 2016

    Anabellah,
    Yes it’s wrong for Muslims to split up into different sects and groups. But it really doesn’t surprise me. The prophet told us that the Muslims would split into 73 groups and of those 73 all of them would be in the fire except one. And the group who will be saved are the ones who follow that which the prophet and his companions were upon. It’s all from the signs of the last day that the Muslims will split into different sects, and groups. People fall into these sects and they completely disregard what the Quran and the sunnah says, they rather follow whatever their group does whether it’s correct or not and this is wrong. We should only follow what the Quran says and the way of the prophet s.a.w. And take those who were rightly guided as examples for us. What gets on my nerves the most is those who follow the schools of thought, when I hear someone say “I do this because I’m Maliki or hanbali it absolutely gets under my skin.

  • anabellah

    February 27, 2016

    Seeking resolution,

    You are not a bother. We are here to talk with everyone. I have now received a better idea of what you want to talk about. All that you mentioned in your last post gives us a much better idea of what is going on with you. You are welcome here to connect with us. It’s what the forum is for and about. I just needed more detailed input from you.

    I totally get how you are upset that you expected much more from a Muslim than you have gotten with your Muslim husband. You could expect a “cheating non-Muslim”, but how on earth could you expect a “cheating” Muslim man who is allowed four wives? I get you!

    When I first became Muslim, I was in my own little world. I thought all Muslims were as conscientious about Islam, as I were. Boy oh boy was I wrong. I encountered Muslims that didn’t want to give me the salaams just because I didn’t have on the same get up as they had. Now, one has to deal with all the sects of Muslims. No one cares that Allah says we are only Muslims, and don’t divide our religion into sects. He says we are one brotherhood. Hardly anyone hears Allah. They ignore Him and He is God. I’ve come to find that most Muslims never read the Holy Quran. It’s the revelation sent to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) that is complete and replete with knowledge and no one reads it.

    There are others who associate the Quran, the word of Allah – the word of God with other books put together by man – the very man that Allah who is God created. They then wonder why the world of so called “Muslims” is in the condition that it is with Muslims killing Muslims. They’re killing up Muslims daily in so called Muslim countries. Do anyone read the news? Muslims calling themselves Sunni, Shia, Kurds, Houthi’s, Al-Quada, Talaban, ISL/ISIS, you name it. I guess they don’t care that Allah says don’t do it. He says don’t divide your religion into sects. Allah who is God says it. No one seems to care what Allah says, but a few. But, Allah did say there will only be a few from later times that are foremost in faith and many from earlier times. Then you have Muslims fleeing oppressive “Muslim” countries, trying to find refuge and Asylum in non-Muslim countries. They are fleeing from the so called Muslims. I’m ashamed to tell people that I’m a Muslim anymore. It’s despicable. People want to condemn those who read the Quran, the word of Allah. They condemn those who believe in Allah who is God and what He says. They condemn them for not wanting to commit shirk – making something else a partner or equal to Allah.

    Seeking resolution, I say all this to say, I get you!!! Your husband is no different than a lot of Muslims out there who are Muslim in name only. Nothing else would tell you that they are Muslim other than they say they are Muslim and dress like one. Even the ones who adopted the dress of those who live in the desert; although they live in the United States of America or other western countries only dress the part. I could see people from those regions dressing that way, BUT, hello, those who were born and raised in the west??? – We are not in the desert.

    Okay, I’m done with my rant now. Again, I totally understand your confusion about your husband and his conduct. My head swims sometimes, too, being cognizant of all that I mentioned above. Insha Allah, stay with us. I like talking with you. You inspired me to vent.

    If I offended anyone, oh, well

  • Fatima

    February 27, 2016

    Asa sisters,

    Anabellah,
    Nice to see a new article, thank u for dedicating ur time for us.

    Laylah,
    Mashallah u seem to have accepted polygamy now.

    Tawakkul,
    I read all ur posts mashallah, you seem to be knowledgable, I think u have the right idea. What u said makes sense to me.

  • Tawakkul

    February 26, 2016

    LOL!!! I have to say, I love that you have strong opinions, it forces me to think twice about my own opinions and views at times, and I’ve definitely learned a lot from you, I understand that you say certain things because you have experience, and you know that with some people if you don’t tell them straight up that they have to be strong and there is is no easy way out they may, end up giving up on a situation that may be good for them, if they were to remain patient and focused. {hugs}

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    I don’t know what is happening with the comments. I keep approving them and somehow they go back into pending.

    Tawakkul, I understand what you’re saying. I think we both have been misunderstanding each other. No problem. I doubted that you had any bad intent. It’s all good :-) As you said, anyhow, we can agree to disagree. I’ve come a long ways with that one LOL. I have to laugh when I think back to how I used to go nutso on this blog. I was a raving lunatic at times. Good thing you weren’t here then LOL {{{hugs}}}

  • Tawakkul

    February 26, 2016

    Okay, mashallah I think we’re pretty much on the same page then, I was definitely not trying to say that women should run at the site of hardship, because then they’ll be running their whole lives. Especially if their husband is fair, and is a good Muslim, What i was referring to is a relationship that is clearly toxic and only brings negativity to a persons life and tears them away from Allah, despite their efforts to fix it.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    I think as you just stated, every situation is different. Each situation has to be looked at on it’s own merit. There is no blanket answer that would cover everything in a – if this happens then do this and if that happens do that.

    If a woman is in a bad marriage in which she is being abused mentally and physically, then she should make her intent to leave the marriage. When Allah sees fit He will remove her from the marriage. No one knows if the woman being in such a marriage is a test or a punishment. An example would be Aisha who is a blog member here. She was in a bad marriage and when Allah saw fit, He removed her from it. Was it a test or a punishment for her while she was in it? Only Allah knows. She may have an idea what it was based on her faith or lack of.

    If a woman is in a marriage in which she loves her husband and her husband loves her and he’s NOT blatantly trying to lead her astray, such as convince her or force her to do threesomes or anal sex or something of the like, then she should stay in the marriage and try to accept Allah’s decision. Allah’s decision is that He placed her in a polygamous marriage.

    I wouldn’t tell a woman that if she is struggling with accepting polygamy and is distracted and can’t focus on Allah that she should leave the marriage. There would be no woman in a polygamous marriage. All women in a polygamous marriage is distracted and can’t focus at some point or another if she’s in it while in the 21st century. Leaving the marriage doesn’t mean that she won’t be given a different test that is just as difficult in which she can’t focus on Allah. If He doesn’t give her another heavy duty test, He may have written for her to go astray. There are women who leave Islam because they can’t cope with polygamy or had a bad marriage. The person apparently wasn’t a chosen one by Allah to be a believer. Allah determines who will be a Muslim, a Believer or a Non-Muslim. We don’t decide. Allah asks do we think that we will enter Paradise without being tested? We won’t.

    Just as you said, women use the excuse that they have to leave the marriage cuz they can’t focus on Allah and it’s leading them astray. Polygamy is good and a lawful means of marriage that he allows. It shouldn’t be leading anyone astray. It should be getting them on the straight path. If they think they are being led astray by polygamy, they probably already were astray.

  • Tawakkul

    February 26, 2016

    Let’s just take the story of Fatimah out of the picture, I’ve read you give similar advice to this so I’m just a little confused. If a person finds themselves in a situation that is toxic, and despite her efforts it keeps pulling her away from Allah, and they recognize that this situation is only bringing them down, and it’s not likely to change, then is it not better for them to leave the situation? In general, because I know that every situation is different.

  • Tawakkul

    February 26, 2016

    Lol this actually made me laugh, did any of those people come with any real evidence because if you look at the evidence the matter is quite clear, all the narrations Regarding the prophets words regarding this particular matter are nearly identical, and this is because these words were spoken in front of thousands and thousands of people. I quoted the exact words of the prophet s.a.w when he gave his fatwah. There was no mention of uncleanliness, or wealth, the woman Ali wanted to marry was a believer.

    “I fear lest she be put to trial with regard to her religious commitment, Fatimah is a part of me, and whatever hurts her hurts me” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3110; Muslim, 2449)

    You can even look at the chain of narration which happens to be very short, and confirmed by numerous people who witnessed the prophet giving this fatwah themselves, so yes we know for sure that this did happened.

    Like I said it just depends on how important you view the sunnah to be.

    Anyways lets just leave this matter alone and agree to disagree.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    It seems I’m approving the comments fast and then I begin to type and the comments I just approved goes into the pending mode again. So, if it appears that comments are being approved and then disappear for a moment. It’s why. Please check that no one has missed any comments. Thank you.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    We had the discussion here years ago. One person said that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) wouldn’t allow Ali (his daughter Fatima’s husband) to marry another woman and become polygamous because the woman that he wanted to marry was unclean. Now, I don’t know if it meant she was a dirty, nasty, filty woman or was an unbeliever. Another account was that Ali couldn’t afford another wife and the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) didn’t want Fatima to be burdened and do without. Your account is that she feared for her faith, which is hard to believe, being that she was the daughter of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). Those are only three accounts that I am aware of. Which one is accurate? I don’t know, cuz NONE are in the Holy Quran. So, it’s what anyone wants to believe, if they want to believe any of them. Allah in the Holy Quran says leave alone what is unclear to us. It’s unclear to me, so I’m going to leave it alone. Despite the fact that it’s not real. It’s not in the Holy Quran. So we could put it to rest and continue with what is real. Let’s move on…

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    Tawakkul,

    Why don’t you put all of the various accounts of the incidents that are out there here, so the people can determine which one they think is accurate oppose to the one that you decided to go by, if they so desire.

  • Tawakkul

    February 26, 2016

    Well I guess we can just agree to disagree but the incident regarding Fatimah and Ali definitely happened the prophet s.a.w gave a public fatwah with thousands of witnesses, so we know for sure that it happened. I suppose it goes down to how much you value the sunnah or how important you think the sunnah is. I could write a big long post with evidence from the Quran as to why the sunnah is a vital part of our religion but I think it’s better for anyone who questions it to just do the research themselves.

    I’ll just say this, Allah has made divorce halal, And he would never force something on someone that they can’t handle. We’re not Christians, yes we should strive for our marriages but divorce is halal even the prophet s.a.w got divorced once. And anything that is taking precedence over Allah in our lives is a problem, if it can’t be fixed, or overcome then it needs to be removed from our lives completely ( Anabellah I’ve read some of your advice similar to this before, maybe you’re just not understanding my point in this context). And anyone who gives something up for the sake of Allah will be rewarded with something better than it.

    I’m not a sheikha, and im not giving any fatwa’s here I’m only stating what is apparent to me from what I’ve studied, the Quran, and the sunnah, this is not an excuse for women to avoid polygamy any woman who uses this as an excuse but is not sincere than she should know that Allah knows what is truly in her heart and if she is not sincere then her punishment will be with Allah.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    I think relying on such a story that has many accounts of the incident and it isn’t in the Quran; no one knows which account, if any is true, misleads women from the path of Allah. Everyone will find themselves in situations that distract them from serving Allah. It doesn’t mean that when the going gets tough the person is supposed to get to going – leave. It’s a cop out. Allah tells us to seek His help with patience, perseverance and prayer. He says to exercise patience in all that betides you. Tests are hard. If it was easy, it wouldn’t be a test. Even the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and the believers with him called on Allah when things were so tough. They cried, “When will come the help of Allah.” Allah said, “The help of Allah is always near.” Now, it’s in the Quran. Tests are very difficult. It what tests are about. It’s about whether you focus or you fold.

    It easy for someone to say they are distracted and can’t serve Allah and flee from the test. I’ve been in a situation or situations that I found extremely tough to the point I could barely think of Allah. Did I say, “Oh, I better run up out of this situation, cuz it’s not easy for me to serve Allah.” No!!! I kept trying and trying and trying to do what Allah said and kept trying to turn to Him until He allowed me to do it. I prevailed. It made me a stronger person. It felt as though it nearly KILL ME, but I stuck it out.

    You’re really sending the wrong message to the sisters out there, whether you mean to or not. You’re not encouraging women to take the test that Allah may have given them. You’re giving them an reason and excuse to bail and flee from a situation that could be good for them.

    All of you out there; I encourage you to read the Quran and learn what He says about tests and what you should do when tested. Furthermore learn from the stories that are in the Holy Quran and direct your lives accordingly.

  • Tawakkul

    February 26, 2016

    I feel like some people may not understand what im trying to say so I’m going to give an example outside of marriage. Back when I first started becoming religiously conscious, I was going to public school, and I found that due to my surroundings every time I would make an effort and move forward in my deen, the influences around me would slowly pull me back to where I started again. My iman just wasn’t strong enough to stay firm against the whispers of the shaytan while I was continuously in those surroundings. Eventually I realized what was happening and I made one of the best decisions of my life and that was to leave public high school and do homeschool instead. Once I pulled myself out of that environment I saw my iman skyrocket within a matter of months I was at a spot in my deen that I never imagined I could be, where as before I fought and struggled for years to move forward without continuously falling back. For other girls my age who were also religiously conscious going to public high school may not influence them that much that it effects their iman but for me it was just too big of a challenge at the time and it’s something that continuously pulled me down. So it was better for me to abandon all together the situation that was holding me back and choose to work on my iman. Now I am at a place where if someone were to drop me in public school again I probably wouldn’t regress, but if I hadn’t left that situation at the time then I would never have gotten to this spot.

    I hope that makes things clearer

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    Furthermore, if the story was of any importance, it would be in the Holy Quran. Allah says in the Holy Quran that He didn’t leave out anything that we need and what we don’t need He left out. He said the Quran is replete and complete with all that we need and he protected the Quran Himself from corruption. It can’t be tampered with. I believe what Allah says.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    There are so many accounts of the story that no one know what is fact from fiction or embellishment.

  • Tawakkul

    February 26, 2016

    Yes I don’t think what happened between Fatimah and Ali is something bad that we should look down upon, if her reaction was haram then the prophet would have corrected her. Rather it’s a lesson for Muslim women. But what I think what’s dangerous is that some women take this story and transform it into something it’s not, and use it to reject polygamy. Fatimah truly feared that the situation would harm her to a degree that it would threaten her iman. She wasn’t being selfish or difficult she wasn’t scared of losing her husband she was scared for her relationship with Allah.

    The way I see it, if someone finds herself in a polygamous marriage and it is affecting her to the point that she can no longer give her husband his rights, or she finds herself mistreating her co-wife, or she finds that it’s tearing her away from Allah, then she needs to get it together fast and If she can’t pull herself together, if her iman is not strong enough and she’s finds herself repeatedly falling into haram due to the situation than she’s better off leaving this marriage and saving whatever bit of iman she has left. If she can control her emotions and be firm against the whispers of the shaytan then it is better for her to be patient but not everyone has enough strength or iman. Ive seen similar situations from some sisters here where the relationship with their husband is so toxic that it’s effecting their relationship with Allah, if it’s an ongoing issue, and despite their efforts they still find it hard to work out the issues within themselves, then something needs to change, either they make some serious efforts to get close to Allah and stay close to Allah or if they can’t then they remove themselves from the situation that is making it so hard. Marriage is supposed to fulfill half of ones deen, not tear it away, these sisters have to be honest with themselves: why it is that they are staying in this relationship, is it still for the sake of Allah or is it for other reasons. And if it’s not for the sake of Allah and the relationship is ruining their iman rather than helping it grow than It may be better to seek divorce or khul’a which is halal rather than staying and continuing to fall into haram. A woman’s relationship with Allah is far more important and far more valuable then the relationship with her husband.

    But like I said a lot of woman who refuse polygamy are not doing it because they fear it may jeopardize their relationship with Allah they do it for other reasons like selfishness, ego’s or just plain disobedience.

  • Mari2

    February 26, 2016

    But where is that “same” place? And when? Only Allah knows. I accept polygamy, but I eschew multi family living which pleased Allah. 2 eschews polygamy but accepts multi family households which I cannot abide. We are both muslimahs. So are either of right or wrong? Or are we both perhaps in the the midst of a test? Only Allah knows.

  • Mari2

    February 26, 2016

    @Tawwakul
    I see the Fatima story as a fable. A good lesson for women and men. Her story is a lesson of self realization. What can one deal with? What strength has HE given a person at one moment in time? Iman grows as we grow with Allah. What may not work for us iman-wise at this particular time in our lives may work later or vise versa. If a woman is not ready to accept polygamy, then she has no compulsion to do so. That I think is the crux of the Fatima and Ali story. Ali was able to accept, but Fatima was not there yet in her iman. And she had the self realization to know that she wasn’t ready. The prophet Muhammad (pbuh) knew she wasn’t ready. He knew it wasn’t her time. So the option of divorce was allowed. Not because polygamy was wrong for them, but because Fatima had not developed the iman to sufficiently handle the challenges. And his fatwa not only covered Fatima but ALL women from then until now. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) knew innately, by the light of Allah (SWT) that each and every Muslim has a different level of faith, given to them by HIM. We grow in our challenges and tests, often we falter, but in the end HE has designed us as HE wants. And HE tests us as HE wants. Every person on this earth has a different fingerprint, and no two tigers have the same stripes. This is the choice Allah made when he created us. And no two humans, be they Muslim or not will have the same acceptance/ability to deal with polygamy. There is no right or wrong with regards to iman. As long as one is on the right path, he or she will end up precisely where Allah chose.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    Laylah, Alhumdulliah,

    We all understand one another here. We’ve all been where you are or are there or know someone else who is there or was there. You’re not alone in the least with what you feel, what you think, and what you are going through. You’re going to be okay.

  • Laylah

    February 26, 2016

    Shukraan x I have benefited so much from this. You all have helped me feel like I can keep going. I’m not feeling so lost. Alhamdulillah.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    When it comes to wives being friends with one another in polygamous marriages, I think many of the husbands want it to boost their egos. Just imagine how the man would feel, if all his wives got along, as one big happy family. He’d feel like the head honcho. He’d feel like “Big Daddy.” LOL He’d feel like the man in charge (which he should be). When the wives all act like separate entities, he doesn’t get that macho feeling that he’d like. I’m not a man, so I don’t know for certain. I’m just assuming.

    I think it’s good for wives married to the same man to be friends, IF they sincerely do it seeking the good pleasure of Allah – so that Allah will be pleased with them. She can’t do it to make her husband happy as her priority or to make herself feel good or look good by saying, for instance, look at me. I’m a good person. I’m doing this and that for my co. I’m making this wonderful effort to befriend my co.

    There have been women here who have tooted their own horns that way. One use to talk about all the gifts she purchased for her husbands intended and shipped them to her and blah, blah, blah. She’d talk about buying the woman toiletries etc and sending them to her. She was apparently trying to prove something to herself and to us here. One could easily see through it.

    I truly think that all wives in a polygamous marriage must be on the same page and have a similar level of belief for there to be a friendship. Wives are going to act a certain way and think a certain way based on their level of faith. It’s why investigating is essential. Allah tells us not to take those outside of our rank into our intimacy. It means we must investigate to know what rank a person is. Many say we shouldn’t judge. It is cliche. Allah in numerous ayat in the Quran tells us to judge. He tells us to judge with what He has given us. He says judge with the Quran. People must read it and Allah must give them understanding of it before they would be able to make a judgement call.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    Sadly, ignorant and hateful people (which there are a planet full of them out here) will react negatively to women who marry married men. The women who react badly toward women who are in polygamous marriages simply abhor polygamy.They will dislike anyone, whether the person lives it or not, who is receptive to polygamy. They don’t have to know the person to dislike and display hatred to her.

    The non-Muslim dislikes polygamy, as she or he sees it as an adulterous relationship. Muslims who dislike those who engage in polygamy, dislike what Allah has allowed. They really have a problem with their lord, but they take it out on others. They dare not curse Allah for what Allah has allowed and decreed. They would like to. Women who married first catch a hard time from others who say they should have never allowed their husbands to marry others and if they couldn’t stop them, they should have divorced them. I know of one woman who said such a thing. Now, she’s older, all broke down with ailments and is trying to marry a married man. Before she was badmouthing the woman who stayed married to her husband when he took another wife. SMH

    All wives who are in a polygamous marriage must grow thick skin. They all will be abused by someone, somewhere. They have to rise above caring what others say and think. Many women in polygamous marriages have got so much going for them that many of them aren’t aware of. Polygamy is a beautiful way of life. There are so many benefits that one can derived from it. It doesn’t matter the number the wives married in. It’s the best form of purification of the soul that I know of. It’s incredible how happy and at peace one can be when they begin to turn all their attention to Allah. They don’t care about what others think about them and their marriage. They are far better than the ones who throw criticism at them for what Allah has decreed. Allah tell us in the Holy Quran to not concern ourselves with the reproaches of others. If we only listen to Allah, we’ll be in good shape. The Quran is like our road map in life. It’ll take us where we need to go. I call it my constitution – like the Constitution of the United States. The Quran is mine.

    What you said is so correct. You stated, “it all comes down to your faith and belief in Allah. Not only coping in a polygamous marriage but all aspects of our lives. Putting Allah first and striving to please Allah daily is what’s important. And in doing that happiness and success will be achieved.”

  • Tasliyman

    February 26, 2016

    @Laylah

    No, it’s not normal for a second wife to be mean, inconsiderate and just plain horrible. I’m not like that and I highly doubt that I’m the only one not like that.

    Unfortunately there are many instances where wives who marries the husband second act in this horrible fashion but at the same time there are also wives who were married first that acts bad too. It’s really got nothing to do with the order you married in but it has a great deal to the do with the type of person you are.

    Generally people believe that the second wife is a horrible person. I had a really hard time dealing with the hurtful comments people made about me when I got married. This was people who didn’t even know me or anything about me.   I too had to deal with a type of malice I was not used to. I know some people would say it’s what you get for marrying a man who already has a wife. But at the end of the day it was Allah’s plan that I marry him. I never imaged that I would end up in a polygamous marriage. As I young girl and hopeless romantic I imagined my life quite differently.

    I agree with Ana that the husband will have to step in and control the situation between wives. He should set boundaries in order to protect one wife from being hurt by the other.

    Having said all this – it all comes down to your faith and belief in Allah. Not only coping in a polygamous marriage but all aspects of our lives. Putting Allah first and striving to please Allah daily is what’s important. And in doing that happiness and success will be achieved.

  • Tawakkul

    February 26, 2016

    I have very mixed opinions regarding whether it’s better for co-wIves to interact and try to form a friendship or whether it’s best for co-wives to stay as separate as possible. On one hand if the women could make it work it could be nice to get along with the husbands other wives and be like a big family but at the same time it could open doors to unnecessary drama. Where as if the women stay as separate as possible it may make it easier for the women to cope with the existence of one another and it may make things easier for the husband as well. It seems like a lot of men wish for their wives to get along but it may not be the best road.

    For you Laylah, I agree with Ana, I think it’s definitely better that you leave the co-wife alone for now, she seems spiteful and at this point In time she’s only going to bring hardship to your life. You should try and focus on yourself, your relationship with Allah. She may change in the future, only Allah knows.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    Lastly Laylah, and then I’m going to run out to get some coffee, we all should be battling with the demons in us. You’re not alone; my sister. It’s a daily battle. If we’re not battling with the demons, then we’ve really have got a problem. We’re in bed with them, if we’re not fighting them. It’s okay, my sister. I’m glad you’re hear talking with us

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    Lynnette, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    You made my day by popping in. I am soooo happy to hear from you. Thank you for stopping in and for all your kind words. It sounds that you are well. Alhumdulliah. Thank you much for imputing. Insha Allah, stop in anytime you feel so inspired. I love hearing from you

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    Laylah,

    I’m not a good one to comment about sisterhood. I’ve never had it. The most sisterhood that I’ve had has been on this blog. I have never been one to befriend women. My biological sisters and my mom had been the closest to sisterhood that I’ve known until I met the ladies on this blog. I was always one who found males to be my best friends.

    I can’t really say that I think the times have changed in that sisterhood has declined. I’ve always seen women having problems with one another since I was in Junior high school and when I was younger and eavesdropped or was privy to my mom speaking of incidents involving women battling with one another. I think I was turned me off from females when I was growing up in my early years of high school. My sister and I would go to parties in a neighboring town and a clique of girls always wanted to engage my sister and I in fisticuff. It was out of jealously as they thought she and I were there to take their boyfriends. Other girls from that town came to our defense. I think it turned me off to sisterhood all together. In my opinion I think women as a whole are competitive and petty and it just didn’t begin to happen.

    I think women back in the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) time had more of a sisterhood because it was the time when Islam was being propagated and the believers were all about Allah. There was no time or room for selfishness. They were on a mission. Women today would bond if they had singleness of purpose – to serve Allah and Allah alone. Anyone who is not focused on serving Allah is all about SELF.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    Laylah,

    I totally get how you expected that your husband’s other wife would respect you and treat you and your children with dignity. I think most women whose husband marries another expects it. After all, she is sharing whether she wanted to or not. Unfortunately, it is as you stated; it’s as if they “say hurray he asked me so screw her.” The newbie wives think they are a replacement for the first wives and the husbands send them out to pasture. The newbie thinks she’s a big deal. She thinks she’s all of that and a bag of chips. LOL I got that saying from someone here. It’s just how it happens.

    (I’m still reading the posts as I write). It was Tasliyman who said, as well, that low self-esteem and lack of faith plays a big part in why wives act as they do. It has nothing to do with the number in which they married the man.

    The husband must really get his wives in check. Far too often the husbands leave it to the wives to iron out their differences. It would be nice if they could resolve their issues between themselves. It seldom happens. A husband must step in when another wife is abusing the other. They married the women and it is for them to use their authority as head of the household to keep the wives in order. I agree with Tawakkul who said, “t’s dangerous to leave it all up up to the wives to resolve their issues because that’s likely to lead to more problems.” The problems will escalate if left to the two of them. We’ve heard it about wives who communicate with each other and then the one goes back twists what was said or lies.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    Laylah,

    Your co is only using her age as a trump card. Most wives in polygamous marriages size one another up to see where they outrank the other. They want to be better than the other. Any wife that is younger than the other will try to use her younger age to her advantage. Some women are very foolish when it comes to it. A woman could be older herself, but will call the older woman old. I’ve know it to happen just as Tawakkul referenced. She said her mom’s co is in her 40s, yet has the audacity to call Tawakkul’s mom old. It’s laughable. The old calling the old, old. Women will look for a way to feel better about themselves at the expense of belittling others.

    I think the same as Tasliyman that your co harps on how young she is due to jealously. It’s all it is. You shouldn’t concern yourself with it. Your co uses it as a means to feel good about herself. As Tawakkul stated, she too will be older one day. It will be sooner than later. Think about it. You too were young way back when as each and everyone of us on the planet is or were. It’s no biggy that she is younger. It was NOT a gift that Allah gave her and only her. She’s only going through a stage of life that is normal for all. When you think about it; a person sounds like an idiot when they boast and brag about their youth as though they got something that no one else has had or it is permanent. It’s on you to not give credence to her claim that she is better than you because she is younger than you. It’s foolishness for one to think he or she is better because today they are younger.

  • Laylah

    February 26, 2016

    @ Ana . OK . I am struggling with some demons myself. I need to work on myself, no doubt. Perhaps space is beneficial for us both right now. Alhamdulillah.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    Laylah,

    It doesn’t matter what numbered wife a woman is. She’ll act out inappropriately if, as Tawwakul said, her faith is weak and she doesn’t fear Allah. We all have weak faith, but one really learns just how strong or weak one’s faith is when put in a situation that tests it. Polygamy is such a situation. Some women just don’t know how messed up they are until confronted with a situation. It could be shocking for them to find out how awful they are. For a woman for whom the situation is a test, she will realize the error of her ways and try to get herself together with the help of Allah. For other women, they don’t care anything about their religion at all. They are only out for SELF. For them, they’ll just continue in their evil ways. It’s not a test for them. It’s just a means to lead them to the Fire.

    I suggest that you not bother with your co until you see a remarkable change in her that you believe is sincere. Until then, you’ll simply be banging your head against a wall in your efforts to accommodate her. She has to come to terms with what is bothering her. She probably is just like most women who want their husband all to themselves, and don’t want to share. They don’t like the fact that their husband loves someone else besides them. As you said, you grew up believing marriage is to be monogamous. It was the norm. Now you’re in a marriage (polygamy) that you didn’t ask for. No woman living in the 21st century is beating the door down trying to find a polygamous marriage to be a part of. All women in a polygamous marriage, barring probably a very small percentage struggle in polygamous marriages until their Imam is stronger and they’ve made Allah priority in their lives. A person will only have ease and contentment when they make life about Allah. There aren’t many people who are doing it.

  • Laylah

    February 26, 2016

    @ Tasliyman that is true. You see in my family some of my aunts are second wives. So while polygamy was difficult to accept, I had no intention of vilifying her. I infact had made attempts quite recently to befriend her because that is the best way forward, I thought. Then she defamed my character and blatantly lied about something. That gave me pause. I wanted to open my home and my family and give my support. Now I feel that I should maintain distance. It isn’t what I would like. But I am afraid. She has also expressed jealousy regarding the nature of my husband and my relationship. Sometimes she has looked at me with absolute hatred. I have never been the target of so much malice before… As a second wife, Tasliyman is that normal? @ Lynnette thanks for relating…

  • Lynnette

    February 26, 2016

    Assamu Alaikum, Sisters:

    I pop in periodically, and I truly enjoy reading the articles. Ana’s writing helps me to strengthen my own Deen, even though I live as a single woman at this time.

    Laylah, you are absolutely correct. This new generation of young women is becoming very selfish, and it does not seem to matter if they are Muslimah, Christian, or Jewess. They look for self-satisfaction, and many of them shame women who sacrifice for others. To me, it almost seems the work of the Shaytan.

    Again, thank you Sister Ana for this message and the Forum.

  • Tasliyman

    February 26, 2016

    @ Laylah

    I am a second wife and a few years younger than my husband and co-wife.

    Sometimes I feel jealous because of the lifetime of memories that they share together that I don’t. She’s probably only using the age thing to get to you because she knows it works and trying to hide her own jealousy.

    I totally agree with you on the protocol part. Life could be so much easier if wives treated each other with respect instead of trying to manipulate the situation.

    I think low self esteem and a lack of faith plays a big part where one wife tries to undermine the other.

  • Tasliyman

    February 26, 2016

    Awesome article Ana.

    I wish I could print it and flaunt it in a few people’s faces.

    When I got married a lot of my family members (who totally loved me before then) was very disappointed and did not approve of my marriage.

    They actually gave more support to another family member of mine who left Islam and converted to a different religion when he got married.

    Alhgamdulillah, most of them are “back to normal” now and seem to accept my marriage. But it still hurts remembering how quickly I lost their respect and support.

    This article highlights that there’s no shame in polygamy.

  • Laylah

    February 26, 2016

    Thank you Tawwakul you make some good points. Yes right now I have issues and the short end of the stick. Primarily because I am older. Recently she got caught in a very big lie about me. Literally. And my husband did nothing about it. So part of the problem is that my husband is allowing certain injustices or even perpetrating them himself. I don’t know what to do.

  • Tawakkul

    February 26, 2016

    I think women do play a role in making a polygamous marriage successful, but it’s to be expected that issues will arise. And when issues do arise the man has to be strong enough to mediate justly between the wives.

    I’m not too fond of my stepdad but he has recently been earning more of my respect. His second wife tried to create problems for my mom, she was complaining to my stepdad that that she’s young and my stepdad is foolish for choosing to stay legally married to my mom rather than to her because my mom is older (mind you this women is in her mid 40’s and ). And she was also being very disrespectful calling him at times that she knows my mom is home and she actually admitted that the only reason she’s been calling at those times Is to make my mom suffer (these words actually came out of her mouth). So my stepdad put her in her place he told her that her age means nothing to him and that if she’s going to be causing fitnah between him and my mother than he’d much rather get a divorce. So she started threatening to commit suicide and went to see some family members to beg my stepdad to take her back, he finally accepted, and since then She’s been behaving herself.

    So I strongly believe that sometimes the man really does have to be strong enough to correct his wives when one of them is wrong, in a fair and unbiased way. It’s dangerous to leave it all up up to the wives to resolve their issues because that’s likely to lead to more problems.

  • Tawakkul

    February 26, 2016

    Laylah,
    I’m not too certain about your situation, but If I remember correctly you’re in a situation where you’re being given the short end of the stick.

    The best response I can think of for your situation is from the wives of the prophet. Many times people only tell the stories about all the issues that arose between the wives of the prophet, but they very rarely tell the stories about the respect they had for one another as sisters in Islam. Even though they didn’t always get along and they had their ups and downs, the wives of the prophet all had a common respect for one another. When they were asked about one another they would only say good things. They used to often get together and talk, and there were many times where they supported one another. One example is when Aisha was accused of committing an act of fornication. That would have been a perfect time for one of the wives to take advantage and try and push Aisha out of the picture especially knowing that she was the favorite, but instead they were honest, and they supported her, and defended her honor.

    If your co-wife doesn’t treat you with respect, purposefully tries to harm you, and treats you like she is above you in some way then you should know that she is only harming herself. Im not sure how old she is, but I’m fairly young myself, and I can assure you its not something generational, or that has to do with age, it has to do with the amount of fear a person has for Allah, and how much iman they have as well. Age is nothing but a number, one day she will get old too.

  • Laylah

    February 26, 2016

    This is a really great article. It’s true. I know that everything is written but in my angst over my situation I never stopped to consider that polygamy was also written for me? Referring to historical situations, got me thinking though. There must have been some form of protocol or adaab among women regarding polygamy? Unfortunately history is really His story and it is not always clear how women behaved. Perhaps one of you know? For my part in my situation, look I am a woman raised within a monogamous marriage and raised to expect that. I think the first significant advantage in dealing with polygamy was that these women expected to be polygamous. Even so I was polite to the incoming woman and took the approach this article describes. If Allah says it is allowed than it is. This woman thoroughly took advantage of that and did a lot of underhanded things. She has made polygamy unbearable. And has obviously given me an aversion to the lifestyle. Which has really gotten me thinking. I know we have talked about this before Ana and you say that we can only control our own actions? But I think as Muslims if you see a wrong , we should strive to correct it somehow. And my appeal to women after this ordeal I have endured is where is our sisterhood. I am a first wife, so to first wives if someone has the decency to approach you and talk to you about wanting to share your husband and if your husband has the means to support you both, treat her with dignity and try. To women entering a union where a woman and children exist, you can’t just say hurray he asked me so screw her. You need to find out if she knows? And if you are not self-sufficient, you need to find out if she and her children are sufficiently maintained. Is he beating her? Because if he is, it is your business. He’ll beat you. The thing is polygamy for women is about family. The mainstay of every family are the women in it. What we aren’t seeing is that women make polygamy successful. I have always believed that women look out for each other. Rather naively , I was told by my husband’s other wife. She says women in her generation ( she is reminding me she is 12 years younger) look out for themselves. I say that isn’t acceptable. I am not raising my daughter that way. What do you all think? Is that acceptable? I am a teacher and increasingly young women adopt an attitude of entitlement. I need, I want, I must have. I think women in their concern for each other can make polygamy viable, workable. I have discovered I can’t be decent on my own, govern my own actions. You get screwed. And yet I don’t want to lose who I am. What to do?

  • Tawakkul

    February 25, 2016

    Mashallah, I love this article, I think it’s definitely on of my favorites, but In my opinion Fatimah Is an example for us, first reason being, she is from Ahlul bayt, second reason being she is one of four best women to ever live in Islamic history along with Khadijah, Maryam, and Asiya, all four of these women are an example for all Muslim women and we should strive to be like them in iman and character. And also the situation involving Ali and Fatimah directly involved the prophet s.a.w as well, he is the one who made the decision that the marriage would be harmful for Fatimah if Ali remarried and so he told Ali that he could remarry but he would have to divorce Fatima. So he was directly involved in the incident, and he’s the one who gave the final fatwah so this incident is actually considered to be from the sunnah of the prophet s.a.w, (just for reference so no one is confused sunnah means “the recorded teachings, deeds and sayings, silent permissions (or disapprovals) of the Prophet s.a.w”). Based on the divination of sunnah, this does in fact fall under the category of sunnah.

    Just to clarify, I’m not saying women should use this incident as an excuse to belittle and reject polygamy, but Allah is merciful and he made khul’a and divorce halal. Fatimah genuinely feared for her iman, and the prophet s.a.w feared for her as well, she wasn’t just taking the easy way out. He also said that this situation would harm Fatimah, and whatever harms Fatimah, harms him. So there were legitimate reasons why the prophet s.a.w gave this fatwa. Women today are not refusing polygamy because they fear for their iman, many of them are just selfish, or have too big of an ego, or they find it humiliating, or they just simply reject the fact that Allah made this halal for men.