Polygamy in Islam and Divorce

polygamy in Islam and divorceOne of our commentators here at polygamy 411 asked us about polygamy in Islam and divorce. She asked if she could divorce her husband who is polygamous, if she’s unhappy in her marriage?  Her marriage wasn’t working out for the best.

First, I need to make clear what I have said about polygamy in Islam and divorce, time and time again. No one here on this blog has said that a woman cannot seek a divorce. She may do so, if she is unhappy in her marriage. Some have come to polygamy 411 and accused the administrator of telling people that they can’t divorce. They accused her of saying that they must stay in their unhappy marriages.

The ones who say it don’t read here with their minds open. As a result, they make false accusations. Clearly, they hate polygamy so much that they jump to conclusions. So let me make clear that no one here encourages women to stay in marriages that they don’t want.

It is important for one to know that Allah has made divorce permissible. Not only that, but He tells us how to divorce. There is a surah (chapter) in the Quran entitled, “At-Talaq” (divorce) that all should read and familiarize themselves with.

Let us take a look at the wife of Zaid. He was the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH)) adopted son. Zaid’s wife went to the Prophet and requested a divorce from Zaid. He gave it to her.

In another instance, Allah revealed ayats (verses) in the Holy Quran about the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives. He lets them know that He would have the Prophet divorce them, if they do not stop annoying him. In other words, Allah warned them to stop causing problems for His Prophet.

With this in mind, there is no reason for anyone to believe that divorce is not lawful. It lets us know that divorce is okay when all else fails to fix their problems.

When it comes to polygamy in Islam and divorce, most here at polygamy 411 accept that Allah has made polygamy lawful

They don’t tend to argue about that fact. They have come to this blog freely. No one abducted them and brought them here. No one here held them hostage.

I have said before and will say it again; there are women who are in polygamous marriages who never wanted it. They may still not want it. Nonetheless, they love their husbands and their husbands love them. They may think that they want a divorce, but other times don’t. They aren’t really sure what they want. In the end, they usually don’t want one. Most who are here want to accept polygamy. If it wasn’t for polygamy, they wouldn’t want to divorce their husbands

The women may not want to live a single lifestyle or do not want to start over again with someone else. All in all, women give a lot of reasons for wanting to stay in their marriage.

The wives are here to seek help, as they want to accept what Allah has decided for them. In short, they don’t want to oppose Allah with their want of monogamy. Those are the people we try to help here.

When it comes to polygamy in Islam and divorce, if a woman wants out of her marriage, then she should make her intention about it. Then she should wait on Allah to give His decision. It’s important to note that Allah says that He provides handsomely for those who divorce. Divorce is an option on the table for those who need it.

Please Note: Please only comment on the topic of this page. Please use the discussion area on this blog for general chats. Thank you!

polygamy in Islam and divorce

Related Article:
Things to Know about Divorce in Islam and Polygamy
Accept a Polygamous Marriage or Divorce

Books about Polygamy in Islam


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181 Comments

  • Nikki

    July 24, 2016

    Thank you for your response I hope she listens.

  • anabellah

    July 24, 2016

    Nikki,

    I’m not up on Immigration Law, but I’m certain his marriage to the Pakistani girl has to be documented in the US although they were married in Pakistan if she is in the US now.

    I would suggest you tell your sister not to believe anything he says. Did you read the “Pakistani Beware” thread/post on this blog? What happened to your sister is a typical story. He knew full well that he was going to marry the Pakistani girl back home, and he kept it from your sister.

    Think about it this way; if he couldn’t refuse the marriage, what makes you or anyone else think that he would defy his parents and divorce the woman they chose for him to marry? It makes no sense. It sounds to me that he wants to stay in a relationship with your sister and remain married to the other girl. He is stringing your sister along.

    Your sister’s best bet is to kiss his @$$ goodbye, start a new life with someone else and make sure it’s not another Pakistani man. I know it’s easier said than done because she loves him. Unless she wants to live a life of hell on earth with him lying, hiding, and sneaking around etc then she needs to get rid of him and move on.  Your sister shouldn’t expect him to chose her over his family. If your sister meant that much to him, he would not have proceeded with the arranged marriage. It’s plain and simple.

  • Nikki

    July 24, 2016

    I hope someone has some sort of answer my sister is head over heels in love with her boyfriend/fiance they have been dating for a few years but when he asked to marry her she declined because she wasnt ready he has his papers I could tell he was in love with her so I never worried but now we just found out after he came back from his trip to Pakistan that he got an arranged marriage so long story short my sister was devastated he told her that he was sorry and wanted a divorce because it was his choice it was his mother pushing him to marry and they played the we are getting old card on him he keeps telling her he will fix it but nothing has happened his wife came to the u.s with a fiance visa and he is trying to get divorced here in the u.s as far as I have researched it says their marraige has to be registered in the u.s in order to adjust her visa status is that correct or will her marraige certificate from Pakistan be all the uscis needs? I want to unmask him if he is lying to my sister since she believes everything he says to her. If someone knows anything please help. Thanks!

  • Arzoo

    July 16, 2016

    Mari2,

    You are doing great! It seems Allah is very pleased with you. Keep it up sister. 

  • Mari2

    July 15, 2016

    @Ana

    Of course everything is in my name.  Remember,  I am not M’s legal wife in this country.   So why should his name appear on anything?   As for the trust for inheritance,  that was set up by my parents prior to me even meeting M.  My parents set the trust to their requirements.   My “hustle” is working and paying my own bills, and saving enough to live modestly when I retire.  I’m not donning designer sunglasses or partaking in crazy, experimental in vitro treatments to facilitate my childbearing prowess well into my peri menopausal realm of uterine decline. 

    I am grateful to Allah for what he has given me.  That which I hadbefore M, and that which continues to exist during my time with M.  M is not the catalyst for my ability to support myself, he is not the reason I can.  Allah is. So therefore no I cannot put forth any kind of “unification” with regards to my marriage and self support ability with my marriage to M.  I pray for nothing but the best for M and his family and business endeavors, I will support him emotionally, with guidance and through prayer etc., because that is how we are unified.  And at no time when he gains, and by the will of Allah prospers, will I be there with my hand out to him.

  • Karima

    July 12, 2016

    Alhamdulellah sis Ana now i see it was for the best not to have joined accounts, for whatever reason, mostly of the possibility of becoming polygamous which could be a reality of me, a secret one lol but a reality…

    financially husband is very correct Alhamdulellah, especially after the birth of our second child.  Since I stopped work completely . The rest, the matters of the heart , only Allah knows the truth. 

    I feel so blessed to have found this blog you are all very nice ladies mashallah. For me sis Ana you have been my greatest support since a long time from when I used to be a silent reader here….I have a long way to go but Alhamdulellah I trying and realizing some truths about this life, this dunya. I can imagine why for the true believer this dunya can only be a prison ….

  • anabellah

    July 12, 2016

    karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I think you and all wives are better off to have their own bank accounts. The wives finances should be separate from the husbands. The husband and the wife should be in charge of their own monies. It’s especially important in light of the fact that a man may have more than one wife. Having their own accounts prevents the husband from dipping into the account to take care of his other wife/wives. We’ve heard of it all too often on this blog where a husband was using his one wife’s monies to take care of another wife. One husband divorced his wife and took her monies that she had saved to go live in Kashmir with him. He took her money and is living off it with his other wife. How hurt and foolish that wife must feel.

    When wives have their own accounts it prevents the husband from being tempted to take the one wife’s money to spend it on another wife. It prevents the wife from being suspicious of the husband and what he’s doing with the money. Satan will have a good time with that one. Some suspicion is a sin. It’s very difficult for people to all be on the same page about things. The husband and wife may have different spending habits. One may be frugal while the other may spend freely. Having such differences causes conflict and misunderstanding between the parties. Marriage is difficult enough without adding something that is unnecessary to it.

    There are more benefits to having separate accounts than having joint ones. I see no significant benefit in having a joint accounts other than to keep tabs on what each is doing with his and her money and there is still no guarantee that they’ll know. Each could say they are taking the money to use for one thing, but use it for another. Each should be stewards of their own money that is given to them as a trust from Allah.

  • Karima

    July 12, 2016

    ummof2 I liked your post,,. I ám an insecure person by nature meaning I was like this since q kid though never showed it not even now. I am trying to let go of my negative thinking n the past n learn to trust Allah . Husband always said he’ll never dump me I shouldn’t worry … But u never know… God forbid if sthng happened to him I would need to work so since I left my well paid job cause it’s not kids friendly and not Allah friendly either, i must learn a skill And get a normál job after my. Little one will go to kindergarten . I Wish for all of You all of us never to face big hardships inshallah to. Have the strength to endure and survive with the help of Allah 

  • Karima

    July 12, 2016

    Salam sisters 

    i personally would like to have joined bank accounts with husband but he never wanted to,. I don’t even know how much money he is making. It used to bother me a   lot but now much less.  Many things bother me about our different way of thinking and poor communication. :((( what to do,?? ,,I have my way of thinking n he has his,. ,,i am very open in talking about everything and I can makes big adjustments and compromises have done só Mány for our marriage to work,. Now I am tired of trying with him to make him understand ,.  My marriage is a guide With good n ,bad to try n teach my boy n Girl how to behave how to act inshallah better than us,,…my wish is for ,Allah to make my boy a communicative husband and my daughter a woman who knows how what she wants n cannot be manipulated ,.. Inshallah they will Follow the deen amin ya rab 

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2016

    It is amazing how Allah changes the heart and makes some receptive to the Quran.  Allah says that He puts a veil between some readers and the Quran so they won’t understand it. He says that He won’t allow some to offer the salat (five daily prayers). He placed a bar on them that prevents them from offering the salat. It’s really heavy and quite deep. Not all will get it. Just those couple of things that He says lets us know not every Muslim will get it. We know the non-Muslims won’t.

    There’s a story in the book, “When You Hear Hoof beats Think of Zebra” that is so interesting. It went something like this – there was a man who said he saw a donkey in a well. When people went to check it out, they saw no donkey in there. He kept saying the donkey was down there and tried to get people to see it. Eventually they committed the guy for being crazy. In order to release him they took him to the well again. He again looked down in there and said that he saw the donkey. They admitted him to the psychiatric institution again. Sometime later, they took him back to the well to see if he saw the donkey. The man saw the donkey, but this time didn’t admit it. He said, no; there was no donkey in there. They released him from the institution.

    The moral of the story is that some people will think those who have knowledge of the Truth are crazy. It’s why sometimes it’s better to keep the knowledge to oneself because not all are ready for it and some will never be ready for it. Some people don’t want the Truth because they can’t handle the Truth.

    People who say, oh, Allah didn’t cause such and such to happen, man decided it and did it on his own will and accord. Allah doesn’t make anything bad happen – huh, those people aren’t ready for Truth. You let them be…https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

  • Umm of2

    July 11, 2016

    Allah be Glorified. It’s so amazing how he changes the heart and makes some receptive to the Quran. Not all has the ability to understand the Quran no matter how clear as day it may be. They are deaf dumb and blind but don’t know it. 

    It just amazes me how Allah in all His Mercy guides Allah HU Akbar 

     

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2016

    Sis Umm of 2, I’m just so happy that He made me Muslim. He did however allow me enjoy a different kind of life beforehand. I’m so thankful my past sins were all forgiven once I took the Shahadah. To think that when I was a non-Muslim I actually thought I was righteous despite the way I was living. I was so blind and ignorant. WOW!

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2016

    Oh, I forgot to mention – about that undesirable whom I dated back in my early 20s. He was handsome and a very cool guy. He died not long after I dated him. His heart gave out on him. I’m not saying I killed him. LOL I had nothing to do with it. It had to do with his illicit activities that weakened his heart. :-(

  • Umm of2

    July 11, 2016

    I trust my husband by trusting Allah enough to not fear if our house is in his name and we go our seperate ways he dosent throw me and my kids on the street. If I didn’t trust Allah or trust my husband I would probably have everything in my name too but without trust there’s no marriage. Everyone is different. If mari2 wants to plan for an unknown disaster or life threatening illness that may or may not happen thirty or forty years from now so be it. I’m just saying in my mind I can’t even think that far ahead when there are others less fortunate and in need TODAY. Switch on the news for a change. How could I feel good about myself how could my conscious be clear if I know I have thousands in the bank just sitting there that could change someone’s life. No I just plan and save for the moment. As said before everyone is different and that’s ok. Everyone just remember to share your wealth and Allah will keep blessing you with more. Give in charity until it hurts :) A good day to all you lovely ladies. Oh and in cyberspace. 

  • Umm of2

    July 11, 2016

    It seems to be a correlation between the two. I guess they do not trust their husbands enough to have joined bank accounts or a rock bottom plan for them both or a joined burial plot lol. Ahhhhh

    sis Ana I love reading your story, how Allah so lovingly guided you to Islam and made you into the admirable person you are today. 

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2016

    Mari2’s post reminds me of Jenny who used to be here on the blog. Jenny was like – all the bank accounts are in my name; my car is in my name; my house is in my name; my stocks and bonds are in my name; my 401k is in my name; my kids go to my other kids, if I die and they are in my name; everything associate with me is in my name; my husband is in my name, everything I own and that my husband owns is in my name; my whole life is in my name. She was married to a Pakistani man too. Is there a correlation?

    It kind of reminds me of when I was in my early twenties and was a non-Muslim dating. I wasn’t sure of what type of young man I liked. I was young and curious, so I went slumming. I secretly dated an undesirable. Everywhere I went, I took my handbag with me cuz I thought he’d steal from me.LOL How crazy was that? What possessed me to date someone like him who I couldn’t trust my valuables with SMH

    I thank Allah much that He later made me Muslim before it was too late, and I pray He makes me a believer.

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Sis, I’m with Ummo of2. “Stay in your lane”. The other is doing nothing more than hanging herself. Don’t let her run you up out of your marriage. Stand your ground. Stand firm. If anyone has got to go, let it be her. Unless your husband gives you the boot, you have nothing to worry about. Try to put her on ignore. If she doesn’t like how her marriage is, then she needs to make her intent to leave it.

    Keep your focus on Allah at all times and He’ll take care of you. Make sure you offer all your salat prayers and stay mindful of Him. Don’t ascribe partners to Him or make anyone or anything equal to Him.

    Try not to talk with your husband about her and her family. Too bad that his mother wants you gone. Allah decides. She doesn’t. People in Hell want ice water, so what does it mean? They won’t get it.

  • Umm of2

    July 11, 2016

    Jasmina that ultimatum has everything to do with you but at the same time it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Just stay in your lane and let the other hang  herself with the rope she’s casting. She’s obviously suffering a lot sadly hence her ultimatums. May Allah guide us all. 

  • Umm of2

    July 11, 2016

    Sis Mari2

    good for you sis. I’m not trying to knock your hustle. Just when you were describing your circumstances all the blessings Allah has given you you never mentioned your husband i just didn’t get unification from your post you sounded like a single mom who had everything all figured out. If a volcano erupted you had a rocket to shoot you to the moon if need be. Like I said good for you

     

  • Jasmina

    July 11, 2016

    Alhamdulillah 

  • Jasmina

    July 11, 2016

    What to do when your husbands other wife gives him an ultimatum?  He hasn’t left me and we are doing very well but she is desperate for him to leave me now that she had the baby.  My mother in law told me and told me shes on her side.  I was hoping she would have relaxed by now as its been a while since she started going crazy on me. 

    Its not a hard time for me ATM I’m feeling happier in my life than ever before but I’m wanting some wisdom so I don’t mess it up. I want to do everything I possibly can to protect my marriage and family.

  • Karima

    July 11, 2016

    Jazak Allah kheir Ana for reminding me/ us about the pharaoh s wife!!!

  • anabellah

    July 10, 2016

    Mari2,

    I think your posts comes across as you being a bit angry. I can understand that you feel a certain way in that you are involved with a Pakistani male who has all the traits that we’ve spoken of in the Pakistan posts/threads. You sound to be a person who wants to live Islam according to the dictates of the Quran, but you’re mixed up in a cultural mess. When husbands are mixed up with stuff they shouldn’t be whether it married to someone who doesn’t serve Allah correctly, or is married to someone who is married to someone they shouldn’t have intended to marry or is married to someone who’s mixed up in a cultural mess, one has to learn how to not go astray by staying focused on Allah. I’m sure Pharoah’s wife who was a believer had to do it. She had to stay mindful of Allah at all times.

  • anabellah

    July 10, 2016

    Mari2,

    I think sometimes maybe some of us or me more so, read your posts a bit different than what you’re trying to say. On the one hand it sounds that you attribute all you’ve got to you, your hard work and efforts – like – you pulled yourself up from by the bootstraps and you taught your children the same and they’re doing the same and you got it all figured out (it sounds a like the way non-Muslims talk) and then you say – by the way – and let me not forget to say – Allah gave me all this. It’s just how it comes across to me. People who have a lot of fears feel or think they have to dot all the i s and cross all the t s. Maybe it’s just that I read you wrong.

    Thank you for clarifying.

    I don’t blame you for not cashing in or selling off your stocks to help support yours husband and help him take care of his other family. As I said, I’m all about helping one another, but when it’s clear that others aren’t serving Allah the way He instructs us and they are all about self, or self and Nationalism, well, then, it’s a different story. Allah tells us to judge with what He has given us – the Holy Quran – so we can make a judgement call. First, we need to know what Allah says in His Holy Book.

  • Mari2

    July 10, 2016

    Ummof2,

    Yeah, I am prepared for the worst if Allah chooses so.  So what?  Did Allah not provide me with such provisions as HE chose?  Did my provisions and ways of self support exist without the will of Allah?   You suggest I am married to myself because I am blessed by Allah and accept his blessings?  I work because Allah allows it.  I earn because Allah allows it to be.  I can retire when I need to because Allah allows me to.  I am not married to myself MASHALLAH.   I exist because of Him.  Not in spite of Him.

    Ana,

    Yes M has the intention of supporting his family.   Intention is fine and great and I support his intention wholeheartedly so long as he doesn’t give me a hard time for not selling off my stocks for his intention upon his family. He can intend all he wants.   But if he wants liquidity of assets for intention,  he needs to go to his own family. 

  • Karima

    July 9, 2016

    Tasliyman inshallah ull feel better soon!!!

  • Karima

    July 9, 2016

    Salam thank you ladies for the support may Allah reward you!

  • anabellah

    July 9, 2016

    Karima,

    Getting back to what I was saying earlier about “weak faith”. Allah says that if it wasn’t for His Mercy we’d all be in Hell. Anyone who thinks they’ve got it going on better think again…

    I second what Tasliyman said to you. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing really good. You’re a newbie and it’s tough. It’s a constant jihad to keep ourselves in check even when one has been in it for a while. It does get better and much easier though (it doesn’t happen overnight) and you can be happy-go-lucky again the way you used to be, but better :-)

  • Tasliyman

    July 8, 2016

    Karima 

    Dont be too hard on yourself.  You’re going through a tough time. It’s not easy and it will take time. Nobody knows what the outcome of your story will be except Allah.

    Dont forget that we’ve also gone through tough times. Even though it gets better we still have our off moments. I’m going through one of those at this very moment myself.  

    Dont think of yourself as being a failure just because you cant stay positive all the time. You’ll have good days and not so good days. 

    I understand how you feel about not wanting to make your husband look bad. On the one hand you really want to talk to someone about how he’s actions are hurting you. On the other hand whoever you talk to will think bad of your husband because of the things you tell them. I went through that as well. 

    Just hang in there.

  • anabellah

    July 8, 2016

    Karima,

    I’m on the road, which is why these posts to you are choppy. I text when I stop at a location. We all have weak faith. I know I do. Admitting it is a good srart to improving it.

  • anabellah

    July 8, 2016

    Karima,

    It’s normal what you ar ed feeling.

  • Karima

    July 8, 2016

    The thing is I stopped talking about my situation with the people who know about it. Cause is useless. The advice I was getting wasn’t helping n I felt embarassed n that I was making my husband look bad.  N I miss sooooo much talking face to face with smby!!!:(

  • Karima

    July 8, 2016

    Obviously my deen is very weak cause the love of Allah should be enough for me n I should t feel desperate n lonely but I do sometimes feel all that:( I don’t know if it’s normal n it’s just weird me???:(

  • Karima

    July 8, 2016

    Thank you for being here!!! I’m always around reading older posts I don’t really comment cause I have nothing wise to say:( 

  • Karima

    July 8, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum

    i hope You are all doing well and had a nice eid! I was waiting Eid to arrive with excitement but when it came that day was one of those days,, a roller coaster day:( we  all went to the masjid but felt really weird as if people could see I’m not well I’m Just pretending to be ok,..,,i think when husband is around sthng is happening to me I feel like worse than the usual I’m acting sometimes to be interested in him when I’m not. I don’t like the person I’ve become I look in the mirror and I don’t like the what I see the choices I made :: why why i tried só hard that our famílies gave the relactant ok n we did get married??? This person is good but not suitable for me I’m not sure cause I barely love him after all these years of lying and hurting… Zero communication just an empty peaceful fake marital life,.:: n im traveling with kids on Sunday for a month n mom n brother for sure will be asking how things stand now in my marriagen honestly I want to avoid the questions cause I have no answers .  How to keep loving liking respecting a husband who avoids a real talk who is hardly saying anhthing,?  I pray n ask for forgiveness n guidance n sabr ,.  I have Till next september when my little one will go to kindergarten to go n study sthng else that would get me a Jób n then maybe file for a divorce,,. My problem is not with the polygamy ,I’m trying to understand it n accept it my problem is with husband who though has some great  qualities is a liar.  

  • Umm of2

    July 8, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum all. I hope all of you enjoyed your Eid

    mari2 sis DANNNNNNNNNNNGGGGG it seems you have taken hope for the best prepare for the worst to a whole other level. It seems from your posts you are married to yourself more than you are to M lol what is the need for him again

    hopefully all works out in your favor, if it’s best for you. 

    Sis Ana I pray all is well with you. 

  • anabellah

    July 8, 2016

    Mari2,

    Do you think your husband has intention to take care of his family? I’m not talking ability. I’m talking “intention”. All indication that you have given me based on your posts indicate that he does. You said he asked his other to give him the gold back that he had given her so that he could use it to help him start a business. Perhaps his intent is to give it back plus more to here when and if his business becomes successful.

    Insha Allah, if he starts a business or Allah gives him some other means of livelihood, it seems in all likelihood that he will be able to take care of them. It doesn’t sound that he is just a lazy, shiftless person who wants to do nothing and doesn’t care about his family. Do you not think that he’d like to take care of his mother and the other? You said he was constantly giving into their demands. Alhumdulliah that he has the intent to take care of them.

    I know many people who have died and had nothing and left nothing because they had nothing to leave. Some were my family members over the years. Arrangements were made by everyone coming together and making sure those people had proper burials and life went on for the living. Things tend to work out. It works out according to everyone’s fate.

    Alhumdulliah that you have all your ducks in a row. Insha Allah, it will all work out as you’ve planned.

  • Marah S

    July 8, 2016

    Mari2 I think it’s great that you are independent from your husband. It’s a blessing from Allah that as of now you don’t have to rely on him in old age. Considering the situation you’re in now it’s a very smart move on your part. May Allah keeps you healthy through old age and allow everything that you have prepared for your future to be fruitful for you and your children. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    July 8, 2016

    I figure if I stick with what Allah says, I can’t go wrong. I know Allah didn’t leave anything out of the Quran. He says He didn’t and I believe Him. He said He, Himself protected the Quran and I believe Him.

    Man makes up all kinds of rules, regulations, recommendations and suggestions. Allah says for us not to take heed to certain people because they are devoid of knowledge and they only follow desires/lust. So why listen to the ignorant? https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Aarzoo

    July 8, 2016

    Mari2, 

    Thanks for sharing this with us. I like how well prepared you are for future. What a contrast to your husband. what is he doing buying all that gold when he does not even have health insurance! I am glad you are not mixing up finances with him and keeping yourself safe from a very much possible future debt

  • anabellah

    July 8, 2016

    I see it that a certain type of planning is the norm. Sometimes I plan what I’m going to wear the next day or if I’m scheduled to go to an event, I plan in advance what I intend to wear.My husband and I plan what we’d like to do for our wedding anniversary and where we’d like to vacation. My husband and I sometimes plan vacations months in advance to get the reservations that we need. We plan meals etc. Planning is the norm with regard to those type of things. To go and get a plot for ones burial may be a bit premature because Allah says no one knows in what land he or she will die. Some people have the money to ship the body to another country for a burial and some don’t etc.

    There is certain planning that Allah lets us know in the Quran that we should do, such as for a man to plan to give a wife or the person who arranges the marriage a dowry for the woman. Allah tells us to have a will. He tells us that if we are on our death beds that we should leave a bequest and have witnesses. He tells us that a widow is to be given one years worth of living expenditures. He says that in a divorce the wife is to get what is on a reasonable scale.

    I look at it that if I stick to what Allah says and keep it within reason that the planning is for daily living or living in the immediate future, I don’t put an additional burden on myself by going way into the future as in years. Allah doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear. We put the additional burden on ourselves.

  • Mari2

    July 7, 2016

    Arzoo,

    You ask good questions.   There is always the element of “what if” in any marriage.   While only Allah knows the future,  I am one who thinks a little preparation is important.   Would I go on a hike without the necessary equipment?   No.  Will having the necessary equipment prevent an emergency?  No. So should I by that reasoning go on a hike without water, food, proper shoes and no map?  Probably not. I think that to err on the side of caution is in a way what marriage contracts should be about. 

    I am prepared as much as I can be if I should in fact become sick or infirm as the “unacceptable” wife.  I have medical insurance,  short and long term disability insurance,  several life insurance policies much in trust for my children,  a DNR, a living will and those chosen to make the decision on my behalf,   assigned my money for my children to a trustee.  My parents have aligned my future inheritance in a trust only inheritable by their children or their grandchildren.   No spouses are able to inherit.

    So I am pretty well prepped for my downfall into I’ll health and death.  What I am trying to say is that when/if ill health comes my way, I have no need to rely upon M or his family to help me.

    Now let’s look at your excellent point about how as not a legal wife I could be shut out of decision making for M if he should become ill.  I would hate if M became ill and I was not there to be a decision maker.  BUT the fact that he is uninsured medically, his mother that he brought here is uninsured medically, his sister and her kids living with him are uninsured medically,  and when wife 2 pops up in here in the next 4 months or so, she too will have no medical insurance.   M has zero life insurance.   He’s worth more alive than ever dead.  If anything ever happens to him medically, Allah forbid, I am glad that I won’t be seen as his “legal” wife, responsible for his bills.  I warn him as to this possibility.   Leaving his mom and wife 2 destitute.  He doesn’t seem to be affected by any of my suggestions.   So I leave it.

     

     

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All,

    I’ve been so busy that I totally forgot what day it is and that we needed a new post/thread for the July 2016 discussions. It is up and running now. :-)

    I kindly ask you all to talk over on the July 2016 thread: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-july-2016-discussions/

    unless your dialogue is about divorce or related to it somehow.

    Thank you

  • Arzoo

    July 2, 2016

    Thanks Marah for understanding that my work with retirees made me aware of some things that younger people or even many relatively older people aren’t thinking about. In general in my life i dont like to over plan or over organize. We have gone to unplanned trips on weekends and really enjoyed those. I just believe we need to keep our eyes and ears open. If Allah puts us in a situation that gives us a certain knowledge we should use it. I also learned a lot from my parents and in-laws. They planned for future and for so called rainy days. They were able pay for our education and get us started in life very early. I think Allah helps us all in different ways through different people. Marah, i like your future plan. We are doing something similar and looking for second investment property at a nice location not necessarily to live when we retire because who know where we would like to live. We are looking for a place with one main house with a smaller cottage or so. We will rent it through a property management company and use cottage as vacation home :)

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2016

    MaraS, you’ve got jokes- cushions herself for a fall Lol. It probably is becuz she works with the elderly that she’s a little Paranoid.

    You’re okay, Arzoo :-)

  • Marah S

    July 2, 2016

    But like ummof2 said everyone is different, maybe you get more peace of mind from planning for the worst possible outcome, it’s not an uncommon state of mind, it’s just one that is more common amongst the kuffar, like they always say “better safe then sorry” but those people don’t know Allah. It kind of reminds me of how in the time of the prophet Muhammad some people would kill their children because they feared not being able to care for them. But Allah promises to take care of the children. It’s in the Quran. I’m not saying what Arzoo is doing is as bad as killing ones child. Arzoo I don’t think what your doing is haram but for some is us it just seems a bit excessive. 

  • Marah S

    July 2, 2016

    Arzoo, I suppose I don’t see anything wrong with saving money. Although you are young to be planning so early for old age, You say you work with older retired people so I guess that’s why it’s heavy on your mind and you’ve decided to start saving so young, you want to have as much as possible to cushion yourself in case you have a fall? Lol i suppose that’s not so bad. Saving money isn’t a bad thing. Just remember not to leave Allah out of your plan. I suppose in a way my husband and I plann for the future as well but nothing extreme. For example some goals that we have that we hope will benefit us in our old age is we want to live in his home country buy land there close to his family and build a home there. We both want to further our degrees in order to get better jobs once we live abroad, I want to learn the language so that I can live comfortably there etc. we plan for good things, positive things we don’t usually plan for the worst possible outcome.

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2016

    Allah is to His servants what they perceive Him to be. Believe that He’s going to take care of you, protect help and guide you; then He will.

  • Umm of2

    July 2, 2016

    Sis Ana I love what your grandmother said. That’s so very true. 

    Lol arzoo, caregivers? So you are already predicting getting ill. I’m sorry I just have to chuckle at this point. I guess no two ppl are the same. I guess a lot of ppl plan that far ahead. I’m more of a “cross that bridge when I come to it” type of person. I’m so intuned in the now I perhaps. Allah will take care of me like always. All my trust is with Him. 

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2016

    Rainy day, not meaning the weather, but misfortunes.

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2016

    Arzoo ,

    I’m with Umm of2, you’re awfully young to be thinking about caregivers and stuff like that. I’m much older than you and don’t think about it. But, maybe Allah has you planning for it cuz it’s your fate. My grandma wasn’t even Muslim and she said if you plan for a rainy day, you’re going to have one.

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2016

    I think the criminals and rapist aren’t thinking about Allah to be able to blame anything on Him.

  • Arzoo

    July 2, 2016

    Our plan is to save enough money to pay bills and be able to hire a caregiver when needed so that other person/children do not burnout with caregiving etc. There are other details that we are still researching.

  • Arzoo

    July 2, 2016

    Tasliyman, the question came into my mind thinking about Mari2’s situation. So it is about polygamous situation where the two cowives or man’s one family refuses to accept the other. I was wondering it can keep working as long as everyone is fit and fine but how will two marriages work once anyone have serious health issues. If the wife who lives alone gets sick then there are still options like hiring a nurse for days when husband will be with other family but i couldn’t think of any option if husband gets sick. He will stay at one home then other wont be allowed to visit him. I think thats very important and that makes it important for wives to be cordial and accepting of each other. Maybe not best friends but be able to sit together and come to an agreement. In this sense i think of Ummof 4 who i think always suggests that wives should meet and discuss arrangements and come to a reasonable agreement. Husband should be a good leader to make sure new wife joining the family is accepting and respectful of existing family.

  • Arzoo

    July 2, 2016

    I think we all are saying more or less same think but we have slight different approach to it and that normal. No two people are created same and everyone looks at things from their own perspective. The gist is we can’t control future and we can’t make things happen just by our will or actions. We can keep making efforts keep doing everything but still not get desired results. I think the believers however only keep doing their best and leave the outcome to Allah and whatever the outcome they accept it as their fate written by Allah. 

    Now about the thinking that what part of the things are done by you vs Allah i believe we cannot put everything on Allah. That would mean that all the rapists and criminal can get away by saying i didnt do it to the victim it was already written by Allah. I think Allah or whatever greater force/creator any person believes in they get guided by Him. All they have to do is be willing to listen to Him. Deep within we all know what is right and wrong. I think that is Allah guiding us telling us what is right what is wrong. The difference is that people who continue to ignore that inner voice over and over they eventually reach a stage where they lose the ability to hear that inner voice. It is all their fault. Their decision not to listen to that inner voice to begin with. I think some who reach a stage where they dont have any sense of right or wrong. Thats when they do the things like rape and other horrible crimes. They are responsible for those crimes. They weren’t simply puppets following a script. They did it and they will be punished for it. 

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2016

    Tasliyman, You’re a girl after my own heart. You say it better than me. :-)

  • Tasliyman

    July 2, 2016

    I just want to clarify that when I say ” we put our trust in Allah” I dont mean that I do absolutely nothing and believe that everything will just miraculously work out.  

    What I mean is I do what I believe must be done and then trust that the outcome will be fine as Allah is in charge. I am not going to worry myself sick today about what might or might not happen twenty years from now.

    I do have goals, dreams and ambitions that I am working towards. Some might be achieved and some might not. Allah knows best. 

     

     

  • Tasliyman

    July 2, 2016

    Arzoo, I may have misunderstood your question.

    Were you speaking in general about how all people plan for retirement and whether they make plans for when they may need to be cared for? 

    Or was your question specifically directed at people in a polygamous marriage? 

    If it was specifically directed at people in a polygamous marriage, would you be so kind to tell us how you, being in a monagamous marriage, plan for retirement and make arrangements for who will take care of whom. 

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2016

    It’s okay, Sis MarahS

  • Marah S

    July 2, 2016

    It took a while to write the second part sorry about that anabellah, I mentioned what you said in the second part as well

  • Marah S

    July 2, 2016

    Arzoo, so I do understand your concerns and I think it’s a fair question but what we must remember is that we can’t control the way we die or the circumstances in which we die. I can’t remember which sister mentioned that she believes in free will but it got me thinking and I researched more about free will and qadr and I found that her way of belief seems more correct to me as well. I think it only makes sense that people do, to a certain extent have free will. So thank you whoever it was that said that because it made me realize a flaw in my belief. As far as planning i don’t think there’s an issue with planning towards good things. Allah allows some of our plans to happen and others to never happen. For example people plan for years to buy a house, saving money and studying the market. Some of those people will get their dream house and Allah will allow for their plan to workout and other people will get cheated, make a bad investment or maybe lose all their money. So Allah did not allow for these people what they were planning. So i don’t think there’s an issue in planning for certain things, but in planning we have to remember that our plans will never be carried out if Allah doesn’t allow them to, so if one plans towards something good he/she should make duaa that Allah allows it to happen. And if it happens then to be thankful, and if it doesn’t remember that it’s because Allah had something better for us.  That’s the way I look at it and of course Allah knows best.

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2016

    See, it’s the difference that I’m talking about. What Mara stated about her family members, I believe it was planned that way for them to go out leave this earth as they did. Nothing could have prevented it because it was written that way for them. To each her own belief. One believes that God controls things or one believes that we control them is how I see it. Thanks for sharing, Marah.

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2016

    I wanted to opt out of the pension plan because I was very young and wanted the money that was coming out of my pay and going into the fund. Allah saw the bigger picture cuz He wrote the script.

  • Marah S

    July 2, 2016

    Arzoo, I understood your question it didn’t offend me. I think it was a fair question. I often think,about these things not for me but for my mom. She’s getting older and she lives alone. Alhamdulillah she’s healthy but she’s a worksholic and refuses to leave her job and home until she officially retires. But I fear for her a similar end to my father. He died sick and alone with no one to care for him. The only reason we knew he even passed away was because he used to talk to my sister every day so when she hadn’t heard from him in a few days she asked my mom to send someone to check on him. Turns out he had fallen on the way to the bathroom and passed away there on the floor. No one knew for days!it haunts me at times the way my father died I wish there was something I could have done but I was just a child. A similar thing happened to a sister I loved dearly, she taught me how to sew and I used to sleep over her house my freshman year of college. She ended up getting Alzheimer’s, her husband used to take care of her during the week but on the weekend he would go visit his other family. One weekend she hurt herself and bled out on the floor, and no one knew for days.

    so due to these two experiences I worry about my mother in her old age, my wish for her is to return back home so that she’ll have tons of family to love and take care of her. My sister and I are married and it’s hard in America to care for her the way we want to.

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2016

    The job that I got immediately after college forced the ones in the job that I had and the position that I had to be apart of the retirement plan in which we could retire after 25 years of service and receive a pension and medical coverage immediately upon retiring with a pension of more money sitting at home on my derriere than when I was working that I receive immediately and for the rest of my life. I didn’t plan it. I wanted to opt out of the plan, but it wasn’t an option. Allah planned all that- that I’d go to college and get that job. He’s plan everything for me so I don’t need to stress my little head about it.

  • Umm of2

    July 2, 2016

    I didn’t have that problem sis Ana with the video. Baseema perhaps you can try refreshing the page 

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2016

    baseema,

    Sis, I don’t know why it’s saying that. I wonder if anyone else is receiving the same message. :-(

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2016

    All who you say plan and those who do not, the have and the have nots, Allah decided all of it. Some people think they’re doing it. Others know Allahs doing it. It’s the only difference that I see. I read in Islamic material that we should be like birds who go out with nothing, but when they come back they’ve been fed.It’s all about what you believe. Those who think they make things happen will soon find out who’s in charge and they don’t have to wait till the Day of Judgement to find it out.

  • Aarzoo

    July 2, 2016

    At the same we should remember even if we planned e.g. bought groveries for a week we shouldnt think we have any control on future. We can still starve because of many circumstances like a storm destrying everything but that doesnt mean we stop planning. I hope i am clear that i dont in any way mean that we can control our lives we cant. 

  • Aarzoo

    July 2, 2016

    I apologize if my question offended you Ana, Tasliyman and Ummof2. I am still very young and i wasnt putting anything toward my retirement savings untill 2014. Then i attended a seminar at my work place and also learned how important it is so now i am saving for retirement. My work takes me to people of all ages and a lot of times i  also work with retirees. I see huge differencein people who planned well vs who didnt. People who planned have have a good support system and better off financially too. This eliminates a lot of stresses and they live relatively peacefully, contribute their time and often money too if their families need and also to Masjid and other social causes. Observing many retirees and how their lives are affected by decisions they made early in life  it has made me think about all this. I think its true Allah helps thise who not only remember Him bug also have good intentions and plans. We humans were given the gift of good congnitive abilities i think as a test to see if we use it well and what we use it toward good or bad. We sure dont know whats going to happen even in the next moment but we still buy groceries worth a week and plan for our meals. It is the only responsible thing to do.

  • baseema

    July 2, 2016

    Hi Ana! it says the video is private? https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Umm of2

    July 2, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum all

    sis arzoo you are very interesting. Like who thinks of all that. I believe wholeheartedly Allah will take care of me. I don’t even plan for the next day without keeping in mind will I even make it let alone when and if I’m even going to make it that long. Like who thinks of nursing homes and planning if one gets Alzheimer’s and who will get what and when. I’m truley flabbergasted yet again with your questions. I have to regather my thoughts and cool off. You took me for a loop again. 

    What makes you so sure you will make it to be sixty seventy or eighty. What makes you so sure you will be here next week. 

  • Tasliyman

    July 2, 2016

    Aslm 

    I know of an elderly man who has been married to two wives for more than fifty years. The man and wives are old now, each one with their own illnessess and issues that comes with growing old. They still live their normal lives. Nobody is left stranded or anything like that. 

    I’m with you on this Ana, if you live your life in the path of Allah I see no reason to worry about who the husband will take care of or who will take care of the husband in old age. 

    Whatever position we are placed in, whether it is today, tomorrow or fifty years from now, I choose to place my trust in Allah. 

    I understand that some people dont believe that a polygamous marriage can ever work. The fact that there are so many horror stories about it adds to this believe. I dont agree with them. 

    Firstly, because Allah has allowed it and I dont believe Allah will allow something that cant ever work. It’s like saying Allah made a mistake. 

    Secondly, I have seen it work. I have seen instances where people in a polygamoys marriage stays married to both wives for many years and everyone accepts it and live a happy life. 

    Thirdly, I am living it. I am grateful to Allah for granting me to be married to my husband and for the child that was born from this marriage. I am happy, content and at peace. 

    I know of people in monagamous marriages that cant have children when they actuaully long to have children. I know of ladies with children who has no husband to help them raise the children. I know of ladies who are nearly forty and never had a husband or children.  So please understand, being in a polygamous marriage really isnt the worst thing that could happen to someone. I honestly consider myself blessed. 

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2016

    I don’t know about anyone else, but I plan and prepare for Jannah/Paradise. It’s my goal and objective. I take one day at a time. I live each day as though it my last and each day as though I’m going to live forever. I don’t entertain any of the questions that you ask cuz I know Allah’s going to take care of me the way He’s been doing all my life. He’s got a plan for me that I’m carrying out. It’s why I believe in being with like minded people because others will try or will lead one astray or try to get them off the staight path either knowingly or unknowingly. Questions such as the ones you just ask are cool to ask the unbeliever. They are the type of questions that are expected from one.

  • Arzoo

    July 2, 2016

    Mari2, its a question to you as well as any others in similar situation when the husband only have kids with one wife. I see why Mari2’s husband married again and why his family arranged it. Looks like the cousin girl is going to provide children for him and be expected to caregiver for him and family. Mari2, do you see yourself growing old with him and do you guys plan retirement and how you want spend old age etc. To me that is a very important part of relationship. Of course we dont even know what will happen tomorrow but we should plan and prepare for future. Mari2, i was wondering how it will turn out when your husband grows old. Where will he stay. Do you think his family will allow you to visit and care for him. And in case you get to a stage first where you need care and he is still fit to care for you. Do you see him continue to visit you and care for you in that situation in addition to him caring and providing for his Pakistani family. 

    How are other polygamous women planning for the old age and what will be an acceptable arrangement when one or all parties reach a stage where they need care. Ana, this might be a good topic for new post if you havent already written about it. If you have please share a link for us to read it. 

  • Aarzoo

    July 2, 2016

    Mari2, just curious if he was married to Pakistani or American woman. Did he get his green card through first marriage?

  • Aarzoo

    July 2, 2016

    Mari2, 

    I totally understand you or anyone not wanting parties and spending money to show off. What i meant was from his point of view that he got so lucky. 

     

  • Mari2

    July 1, 2016

    @Aarzoo

    When M and I married we were both divorced and pretty much broke.   I chose no dowry because it pleased me to do so.  That was my choice.   I could have demanded gold.  But to what point?  Why?  Am I going to get a discount at the grocery store because I am wearing gold?  Wali?  Not necessary.   We were both divorced and I was 41.  We had an Imam.  Witnesses too.  And I cooked the Walima  meal myself. And we both chose to have but a simple contract.  Married.  The end.  No requirements necessary.   No property.   All my inheritance is is trust.  Me.  Then my kids next…etc.  M was fine with it. 

    Guess what?  I did not have a Mehndi party, a marriage and party, and a Walima and party.  Why?  Because I actually do not like parties. At. All. My very first tantrum I can recall was when my parents arranged a second birthday party for me.    I never wanted a bridal shower when I got married the first time.  I loathe invites to baby showers , never wanted one for either of my children,  and all that gift whoring.  Even funeral receptions annoy me.  I never allowed my children to have birthday parties until they turned 5.  So that is why I am loving my simple wedding.   M. Loved it too. I didn’t do it because I thought it would bring me closer to Allah, I did so because that is how HE created me.  And I accept myself as the person HE created.   And my acceptance of myself is what brings me closer to HIM.  

    Then cultural wedding thing came along.   4G plus in gold.  Suits.  Wedding dancers, blah, blah.  And while you all think I am being brave or obstinate not giving into M’s demands/requests for my retirement money:  know this, he’s pushing 2 hard to cash in her gold he gave her, because it( the gold) was a show.  She was never meant to keep that for herself.   So…If I get NO dowry,  husband can take no dowry. Simple.   I have admonished him for trying to take back what he gave 2. But in the meantime she and her mom are ball breakers with their monetary demands, so I am kind of “meh” when it actually comes to being sympathetic.    

     

  • anabellah

    July 1, 2016

    Allah says, no matter how big or small the agreement is, we should put it in writing.

  • anabellah

    July 1, 2016

    I spoke with my wali about contracts in marriage because I was concerned about it. He advised me that contracts for marriage are valid because Allah says in the Holy Quran that agreements pertaining to what will happen in the future should be in writing. Many problems arise when agreements aren’t reduced to writing. Allah says especially if it’s a commercial contract, put it in writing. Recalling what I’ve read in the Quran, he’s correct. It’s why reminders are important for when we forget.

  • anabellah

    July 1, 2016

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I like your post. It’s beautiful and inspiring. I’m with you on all that you said. You raised a good point. I don’t know where the whole concept of the marriage contract came from. I only go with it blindly as it’s been said that it’s the thing to do. I could be wrong to have gone along with it (I didn’t put that my husband wouldn’t be polygamous, though and never considered it).  I’ve often questioned it to myself about where the concept of a marital contract stems from. I know Allah tells us about witnessed and dowry, but a contract???? Is the dowry considered the contract???? https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    And then as you mentioned, people don’t know the future, yet they’re making promises that they may not be able to keep because, as you stated, only Allah knows the future.

    Nice post. It’s thought provoking https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • ummof4

    July 1, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    I pray that everyone is trying to get the most blessings of Ramadan, which will be gone soon.  Remember to make du’ah, salah and read Qur’aan for guidance.

    As far as women putting in the marriage contract that they will divorce if their husband marries another, I know people who have done it.  Of course, it is against Islaam and shows the lack of understanding on the part of the woman, her walee and the prospective husband.  I have told young men that if they agree to it, then they are fools.  The wife is in charge of the marriage, and  it will be only the beginning of her trying to control him.  Also it shows that the woman is trying to predict the future – right now she may not want to accept polygyny, but how does she know how she may feel years from now?

    Personally, I don’t feel there is a need for marriage contracts at all.  Many people say that it makes people keep their word more, but I’ve never seen a marriage contract make anyone do anything promised, or prevent a person from doing what he promised not to do.  However, I do believe that finances should be dealt with in a formal fashion so one spouse does not take the other’s money or possessions unlawfully.

    It is important to marry a person who loves Allah more than himself or herself, or at least is striving to get to that level of belief.  This sort of person keeps his/her word without a marriage contract and conducts the marriage according to what Allah had commanded.  May we all be spouses such as this and may our husbands be spouses such as this.  A good du’ah to make this Ramadan and every day.

    If I don’t get back on before Eed Al-Fitr, EED MUBARAK to everyone.  Don’t forget to pay your zakat ul fitr!

     

     

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2016

    You’re right; it’s the power thing. Sadly, Obama will probably be completely gray haired by the end of his term :-(

  • Umm of2

    June 30, 2016

    Some are born that way as is the case with trump Hilary on the other hand yes I have noticed. It’s really not worth it. But they’re addicted to power, that’s what they live for 

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2016

    I Know :-( The Whitehouse does it to all presidents. It breaks my heart because he was a heartthrob. He’s still adorable though. Did you see what it’s doing to Hillary and Trump already and neither one of them are in the White House yet. I don’t think it’s worth it.

  • Umm of2

    June 30, 2016

    OMG boy did the White House take a toll on Obama dang. I’m not surprised the Canadians shared our mutual feeling. #4moreYears

    its funny because I never paid much attention to the presidential candidates until Obama came along. Now I’m rooting for Hilary. She’s been after the Presidency for what seems like a lifetime 

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2016

    Yeap, Mari2

    Talking to your husband about Islam as you know it, may be like taking a foreign language to him. I doubt he hears you. If he does. He’s not listening. It probably goes into one ear and comes out the other immediately.

    He probably only knows his-lam and cousin girl knows hers. You’re trying to talk Islam to them and they’re dealing with native traditions. It’s what’s been passed down from generation to generation.  Culture is their religion. Religion means way of life.

    The foreign women who get mixed up with these men don’t want to accept the reality of it. Huh, I didn’t get it for the longest and I’m not mixed up in it. All I could see was Islam. I couldn’t comprehend the culture because Islam was over shadowing it. Now I see clearly. I see said the blind man. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2016

    This isn’t related to polygamy, but I just had to share. A few of us were saying we wish President Obama, US, could have four more years. Well, we’re not the only ones. The Canadians seem to share our sentiments.

    Big grin

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2016

    Umm of2,

    I don’t know if it’s the practice of a particular sect. It very well could be. I think it’s more so a matter of Muslim women having a loathing for polygamy and they think they can control their fate by putting a clause forbidding their husband from marrying, which they think will prevent their relationship from becoming polygamous. It’s sad that many Muslims won’t accept that polygamy is a part of our religion and anyone who winds up in it does so because Allah ordained it.

    There are Muslims who call themselves Sunni Muslims, saying they follow the “Sunnah” but I guess they have selective memory when it come to polygamy – the “Sunnah” is all about the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and ONLY about him, but they dismiss that he was a polygamous man and Allah talks about him and his wives in the Holy Quran.  Go figure https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Umm of2

    June 29, 2016

    Sis Ana you have me cracking up laughing with these animations. That person getting the boot lol then again when you said “cut her losses and get to steppin” and “you might be the one who’s going to be packing your bags and get to steppin” lol

    i know it’s a serious matter but the way you’re wording it I can’t help but laugh. 

    Thank you karima and sis Ana for the birthday wishes :)

    sis Ana my thoughts exactly but I didn’t want to go too deep in it I didn’t know if that was the practice of a sunni niqabi qurani hijabi act whatever I’m uneducated when it comes to sects. I’m just Muslim didn’t want to get in any controversial disputes and ruin the flow here. I just never ever heard of doing something like that. In doing so you are knowingly or unknowingly challenging Allah. Thinking you have power or control of the future

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2016

    Correction: I erred in the previous post that I wrote. It should be “exclusively” where I put “especially.” “Allah says all the good is for the believers in this world and exclusively for the believers in the Hereafter.

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2016

    umm of2,

    My thoughts on women who put in their marriage contracts that the husbands can’t marry other woman and engage in polygamy, or they has the right to divorce is that they lack knowledge of Allah.

    First, the woman is making unlawful what Allah has made lawful and He says don’t do that. He specifically in the Quran says, do not make unlawful what I have made lawful.

    The woman who puts the clause in her contract doesn’t like what Allah has allowed for men. She dislikes it so much that she is willing to counter what Allah says and put herself and her desires before Allah. I wouldn’t want to play with Allah. It’s what that woman would be doing.

    Secondly, such a clause in the contract is useless because no one knows what Allah has written for any of us. No one knows the future, but Allah because He wrote the script. So, if it’s meant for the husband to become polygamous, no piece of paper with writing on it will stop it from happening. I can’t see the husband being liable for not honoring the clause, but I can see him being liable for agreeing to such a thing.

    The wife who puts that in the contract thinks she’s got the power and thinks what she says supersede anything that Allah says. She disregards Allah.

    It says a lot about a woman who puts such a clause in the marriage contract. What it says isn’t good. She doesn’t believe that Allah decides all things. She thinks she can stop a show. She’s made herself a mini-god.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2016

    Aarzoo,

    It’s funny that you mentioned that the husbands buy businesses and have their wives work there, so the wives don’t have to deal with the interview process to work elsewhere, and the wives don’t have to learn much English. I’ve been to establishments run by Indian and Pakistani people where there were wives and the mothers of the men there who didn’t speak English, but were helping out in the business. I know they didn’t speak English because I tried to talk with them. It makes sense that it could very well be Mari2 husband’s intention with regard his other wife.

    I can only imagine how difficult it is for women in situations such as Mari2’s in which the women are trying to hold on in the marriage, but are hanging by a thread. The question is should she hold on till the bitter end till all hope is gone to only gets the boot Ass Kickingor cut her losses and get to steppin. I can’t see what benefit Mari2 has in staying in the marriage.

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2016

    Umm of2,

    Surprise!

    Happy Birthday to You! I hope you’re enjoying your special day during this blessed Ramadan. Give thanks to Allah for creating you on this anniversary of your birth :-)

  • Aarzoo

    June 29, 2016

    Mari2, wow your Pakistani husband just hit a jackpot when he met you. Got to live his dream of marrying a western woman (gori) without any responsibilities, no dowry, no spendig on wedding and jewlery. Then you said he and his mom were living with you in a much nicer home and you paid most of rent and expenses. Now he has the nerve to ask you for your saving to spend on his business. You are much much wiser now for sure because you sent them to live on their own and pay their rent and bills. You did something that is almost impossible get the Pakistani MIL out of your house ?

    My guess is Ana is right he is trying to get all he can get out of you bcz he knows things are about to get ugly when his Pakistani wife gets here. He needs his own business so that his wife can work for his own business. Thats what Pakis do. She wont have to learn much English and face interviews when her own husband has a business where she can help. Believe me thats what the plan is.  

  • Karima

    June 29, 2016

    sis Ummor2 happy birthday !!!https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Karima

    June 29, 2016

    Salam

    ive watched the video of Ahmad s rescue is so heartbreaking…..I don’t know what to say…. You are right Ana my troubles are nothing in comparison to this boys devastating condition!  May Allah protect him and give him strength to cope 

  • Umm of2

    June 29, 2016

    Arzoo I too apologise for misinterpreting your posts. Thanks for explaining further. 

    Everyone, today is my birthday. Please remember me in your prayers during this blessed blissful month. Thank you!

  • Aarzoo

    June 29, 2016

    Ana, thanks for the warning. I dont use phone while driving. I can take important call using my cars hands free system but generally even avoid  that. Just play my fav music from phone when driving no texting/talking

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2016

    Umm of2,

    I know https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifIt’s awful and on top of what happened to him (no pun intended) he has to deal with learning that his entire family got wiped out. And women have the nerve to complain about being in a polygamous marriage. Polygamy as a trial is nothing compared to what that 11 year-old boy has to endure.

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2016

    Aarzoo,

    It helps that you opened up about you. I apologize that we came down hard on you. Insha Allah, He’ll forgive us all if we’ve done anything wrong. Insha Allah, comment when you can. We’ll be here.

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2016

    Arzoo,

    Be careful. Don’t type and drive. I know how tempting it is. I’ve done it a few times and it’s not cool. My hubz puts his phone in the backseat so he’s not tempted.

    I’m sorry I got the story twisted. I remember now it now that you wrote it again. Thank you.

  • Aarzoo

    June 29, 2016

    This friends mom got into depression and never fully recovered even after having kids. 

    I think being part of the blog i too need to share more about my life but dont have much. I am married but no kids yet.   We are getting ready to plan family. Just moved into our first house recently! 

    This week I am driving a lot for my research work but will try to check in and comment as much as possible

  • Umm of2

    June 29, 2016

    My heart is completely shattered https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif may Allah protect all those around the world who are suffering and being oppressed and who are losing their entire families due to terror attacks. AMEEN 

  • Aarzoo

    June 29, 2016

    Hi All, before you all go on making many assumptions let me share about myself. I or any of my immediate relative is not in polygamy. A friends parents are. Her mom was having infertility issues then with family pressure her dad married her moms cousin. After the second marriagd was 2-3 years old her mom had her and then 2 more children. His dad has no children from second wife! I am again typing from phone i am travelling so will catch up reading more later

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2016

    Umm of2,

    I like your analogy and I agree with it. You said, “It’s perfectly okay to do and have nice things. I’m not saying have a fancy car one for each day of the week or drinking and eating with pure gold utensils while people are laying on the street starving not knowing if they will be alive next week.”

    I watched a video that was heartbreaking: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-36601532

  • Umm of2

    June 29, 2016

    Mari2 

    Lol I never knew we had the ability or right to forbid a husband from doing something they have a right to (marrying again) wow. Do people really do that? 

    You seem very calculated. Your post had my eyebrows raised as well. No wedding party, I know some don’t like big weddings but a small intimate wedding with family and close friends,no? No dowry, I’m baffled. It’s nothing wrong with having those things. This has been the Islamic tradition for centuries, not doing so dosent make you more focused on Allah than people who do. 

    Sis Ana I briefly heard of those type of ppl who take simplicity is bliss to a whole new level. It’s perfectly okay to do and have nice things. I’m not saying have a fancy car one for each day of the week or drinking and eating with pure gold utensils while people are laying on the street starving not knowing if they will be alive next week. 

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2016

    Arzoo is welcome to join the discussion. We’re not excluding her.

    We need to be mindful that Arzoo is Pakistani and it could explain why she is against polygamy.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2016

    Marah S,

    It’s good to hear you and our little baby are doing good. May Allah continue to bless you and your family :-)

  • Marah S

    June 28, 2016

    Thanks ladies :) ive gotten over the sickly period of pregnancy and finally getting some energy back, I’m really excited for motherhood it’s all I’ve wanted for so long now.

    lol umm of 2 and anabellah you guys are funny, but you might be right, something has to be going on in arzoo’s life to make her so obsessed with polygamy that she’s been following this blog for years, just for the soul purpose of expressing her hate for it

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2016

    Umm of2,

    I hear you. It is what it is.  People come here feeling sorry for us. They need to feel sorry for their sorry selves. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2016

    Mari2 Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You’ve said a couple things that have me puzzled. One, you said that you gave up a dowry, a big wedding, gold and party favors because your focus was on Allah. How so? What does that mean? Are you sure you didn’t do it because he had a wife already?

    Muslims are allowed to have nice things. A man is supposed to give the woman a dowry when he marries her. She could forgo it and give it back to him, if she or the one who is handling the wedding arrangements wants to. I could see a woman doing giving back a dowry if, for instance, she is wealthy and doesn’t need his money, or she knows he is strapped and has little funds to begin with.

    I don’t get you saying you did it to focus on Allah. Allah in the Quran says don’t be a spendthrift nor niggardly, but find a medium. We’re supposed to have a walima (wedding feast, celebration) based on what I’ve read about Islam. We’re suppose to have a celebration. How big or small is relative to the people who are getting married and the means that Allah has given them.

    Another time you said that you wore something simply and plain to the Eid celebration, and your husband asked you why you wore that and not your nicer outfit. Allah tells us to wear our most beautiful apparel to prayer.

    Allah says all the good is for the believers in this world and exclusively for the believers in the Hereafter.

    I was just wondering what you mean when you said you did it to focus on Allah because there are some Muslims of the erroneous belief that Muslims aren’t supposed to have nice things. There are Muslims who walk around looking all down trodden and the women look like nothing anyone who had a thought about being a Muslim would want to look like.

    Allah tells us in the Quran to get our portion in this life, but not to forget about the Hereafter. So, I’m not sure of where you’re coming from.

    Now, the cousin wife and that whole family, it’s plain and simple that it is not about Islam. They are straight up about culture all the way around. Your husband the same as all the other Pakistani men who have been talked about on this blog married the other wife whom he divorced and married you, knowing he was going to marry cousin girl. It’s all playing out. It has nothing to do with polygamy and never did at all because he knew the average Pakistan doesn’t play that. They don’t go for polygamy. I’m not surprised that cousin girl wants you gone when she gets here and you best be prepared to possibly have to hit the road because he already is living with his mother who calls the shots. It’s a good thing you aren’t giving him any more money. He may be trying to hit you up for all you’ve got before she gets here.

    I know it may sound harsh. I’m just saying. It’s how it appears to me. You make the cousin sound like a bad person. She’s keeping it real. She’s living according to her culture. You may want it to be Islam, but it’s not. Instead of finding fault in the way cousin girl lives, you need to see the real picture for what it is – it’s not Islam.

    Those are just my thoughts on the matter. I don’t mean to come across as harsh. I simply see you finding fault in cousin girl and she is just being what she is. Now, if you’re just venting and wasn’t looking for a response, just ignore me. I know we vent here just to get it off our chests not looking for input. It’s what women do a lot. We don’t want anyone to fix anything, but just listen. If you want me to shut the pie hole in my face, I’ll try to do so.

  • Umm of2

    June 28, 2016

    I think we called a spade a spade sis Ana lol

  • Mari2

    June 28, 2016

    Salam all,

    When it comes to divorce,  one must look at the wedding contract as well.   Before one signs a contract forbidding their husband to a second marriage on the grounds of divorce (which is an easy out for the hubby), one should require x, y, and z (financially) in the event their husband chooses to marry again.  And if a wife is able to do so, she should make available to herself a fund in her own name, un connected to her dowry.

    This is how I have seen it as a first wife:  I accept Islamically my husband’s right to marry his cousin 3 years into our marriage. 

    I agreed to no dowry, no big wedding celebration,  no gold etc.  Because was my focus was upon Allah.  And I need no party favors. 

    So years later, M is married to his first cousin at crazy costs.  9k in gold?  So on and so forth.   Okay.  I have come to discover that cousin girl wants me gone once she arrives here in 6 months or so.

    IN THE MEANTIME,  M is hitting me hard to take out money of my 403b, trust, or state pension for his business.   Really!  I flat out asked him why he, M, didn’t require 2 to sell her gold. He tried but she said “no”. Thinking that I am gonna be a similar hard ass.  And NO.  

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2016

    Arzoo,

    If you’re still with us maybe you could shed some light on the matter to let us understand why you hate polygamy so much and are trying to get women out of it.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2016

    I was thinking similar. I’ve been pondering it. I was thinking that her husband was considering it. I think she had said a family member is in it and having a difficult time, if I’m not mistaken.

  • Umm of2

    June 28, 2016

    I just had an epiphany. I think arzoo is in fact in a polygamous marriage despite what she has shared. And I think she is speaking from her point of view but pretending to be speaking from others points of views. I mean why would she be following the old blog all the way up until now if she wasn’t, unless she simply has this weird fascination with polygamy and those who live it. I don’t know it’s too much to try and figure it out I just find her a bit strange 

  • Karima

    June 28, 2016

    Slm

    congrats Mara s on your baby!!!

  • Umm of2

    June 28, 2016

    Marah s thank you for sharing that is so very sweet. May your marriage continue to thrive. This blog is so lovely. The advise given here is cherishable. You all don’t even know how much of a difference you continue to make in people’s lives from everything shared. Marah s also congratulations on your first baby. You are going to love motherhood. 

  • Karima

    June 28, 2016

    Slam 

    Tasliyman beautiful advice Jazak Allah kheir i already feel so much better Subhanallah!!!!  It feels good to know this sisters blog welcomed me understands me and give from their valuable time to help me may Allah reward you and listen to all of our Duas and have our salat accepted !!! Amin 

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    Your post to karima was so beautiful. Your deliverance of it had so much peace and calm in it.

    The ladies here have been writing wonderful posts with so much wisdom and direction in them Alhumdulliah! :-)

  • Tasliyman

    June 28, 2016

    Thanks Ana

    It totally baffles me how people can think that you are advising others to just do nothing and accept the pain they have “because it has been decreed by Allah.”

    It’s unbelievable.

    And people who are not happy with polygamy should take their issues up with Allah as Allah makes the rules, not people.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Tasliyman

    June 28, 2016

    Aslm Karima

    Please don’t feel embarrassed. You’re going through a very tough time right now and I understand that your emotions are all over the place.

    I would like to give you a small piece of advice that worked wonders for me when I was going through difficulties – It’s simply to pass your problems on to Allah. It actually fits in with my previous post of accepting Allah’s decree.

    Sounds quite easy but it’s tricky to implement in the beginning.

    What you should do is sit and isolate your problems that are just too much for you to handle. I take it at this stage it is the fact that your husband is not being open and honest with you.

    I would sit on prayer mat and talk to Allah (in your own language). Say that this specific problem(s) is too much for you to handle and you actually no longer know how to handle it. Then you pass it on to Allah and ask Allah to deal with it for you. Now you trust that Allah will sort out your problem and whatever the outcome is it will be best for you as Allah knows best.

    The tricky part is that you now genuinely have to stop worrying about it. Whenever you find yourself getting upset over that specific issue remind yourself that it is no longer your problem and is being dealt with by the Highest Authority.

    Let me just be clear about this again for anybody else who might be reading this. I am not saying don’t feel anything, don’t do anything just accept that your life if your life. What I am saying is don’t make yourself sick with worry over something you have no control over. Put your trust in Allah instead and have faith that if there is anything that you need to be doing you will be guided to do it.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2016

    karima,

    I hadn’t read your post when Arzoo commented about it. When I went back and read it, I didn’t get from your post that anyone here had made you feel embarrassed  or anything like it.  It was just her way of trying to say a better life is out there for you. I suppose she means in a monogamous marriage.

    karima, I understand how you feel in thinking that it’s stamp on your forehead that your husband is cheating. I think it common and I know it’s not a good feeling – been there and done that. Please don’t think I’m trying to minimize what you feel. I’m just saying, we understand. I understand. It’s not foreign. All here have had to come to terms with the lifestyle (polygamy). Know one wants the lifestyle. We just seem to find ourselves in it and we’re left trying to figure it all out. It’s what we do here, try to figure it out, try to accept it and try to do what Allah says to bring us peace and tranquility in it.

  • Karima

    June 28, 2016

    I agree with you Ana Ummof2 and Tasliyman!!! There’s a lot for me to learn from your posts mashallah 

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    Well said!https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif I think many people totally don’t understand what it means and despite how much anyone tries to explain it to them, they won’t get it. They are blinded to the Truth. Apparently, it’s not  meant for them to know. It’s like flogging a dead horse. It’s a waste of time trying to explain it to them.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2016

    I, too, agree with Tasliyman. I don’t know anyone who is happy in a monogamous marriage either. People are so quick to make out that a monogamous marriage is bliss. People have just as many problems in those type of marriages as they do in polygamous marriages. Marriage is marriage. Marriage is hard work. Despite what some want to believe, being in a monogamous marriage isn’t going to bring anyone bliss the same as being in a polygamous marriage won’t. People who claim that a monogamous marriage is all that and a bag of chips are deluded. No one will be truly happy and at peace on this planet unless they do what Allah says. They must obey Him. People want to be all willy-nilly and do things their way.

  • Umm of2

    June 28, 2016

    Karima I understood what you meant I was talking about something arzoo said about how u felt as if she’s your clone

    sis ana I agree why waste your valuable time. Get a life. I mean every post of arzoo there’s a dig. Oh the last blog was more effective, people feel this way and that way, that’s why they no longer comment etc etc

    I had to speak up

  • Tasliyman

    June 28, 2016

    I think people should understand what is meant by accepting Allah’s decree. It certainly doesn’t mean you should just accept that you will live a life of misery and pain for the rest of your days.

    Situations change, everything on this earth is temporary. So you accept whatever has happened in the past but you turn to Allah for help and you constantly ask Allah to improve your situation. Allah is All Merciful and Oft Forgiving. So at the risk of sounding self-righteous, you put your trust in Allah and have faith that your situation will change for the better as Allah is in charge.

    If living for weeks, months or even years constantly resenting other people for the pain that they’ve caused you has not brought you any sort of relief – why don’t you rather try a different approach?

    Accepting Allah’s decree also does not mean that the person who has caused you harm will not be accountable for their own actions. We are all humans who will be accountable to Allah. So husbands who lies and cheats will have to account to Allah for their actions. Just because they are doing it continuously doesn’t mean that they are getting away with it.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2016

    Marah S,

    Thanks for sharing the story about you and your hubz and the fun that you two have been having. It’s so cute :-) I’m glad to here you and he have been spicing it up. How are you doing with being a woman with child (pregnant)? :-) It must be so exciting. I think I remember correctly that this will be your first one. I pray Allah gives you a wonderful, beautiful, healthy baby :-)

  • Karima

    June 28, 2016

    I meant to say happiness comes n goes nothing remains the same

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2016

    Umm of2,

    You called it right. I get bad vibes from her as well, but I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. There has always been people here, saying they mean well, but they simply want to infiltrate the blog to cause problems and turn people away from polygamy and away from Islam. She’s not in polygamy and never was and she expressed a dislike for polygamy whenever she was here on the previous blog. Nothing has change.

    She’s the type of person whom I don’t welcome here because it ends up being about people going back and forth at one another, which disrupts the flow of the blog and what we’re all trying to accomplish here.

    It irritates me and I just don’t get some people. Say for instance, I don’t like Gay people, do you think I’m going to go to a Gay blog and waste my valuable time talking to the people about why they shouldn’t be Gay, how wrong it is and a better life awaits them? Do you think I sit here on this blog and talk about Gays all day and night, every day? Know, I mind my own friggen business and leave people alone. It’s not my concern. I don’t care about them. I’ve got a life, so I don’t need to do that.

  • Karima

    June 28, 2016

    Salam I agree with Tasliyman as I know no woman who is happy in her marriage:(  happiness comes n goes remains the same 

  • Karima

    June 28, 2016

    Salam 

    when I wrote I felt embarassed I didn’t mean you sisters made me feel like that!  I felt embarassed for having to pretend all is well in my marriage when husband is involved with someone else too! I was embarassed this happened to me I used to go out and feel it’s written on my forehead her husband is cheating on her lolhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • Tasliyman

    June 28, 2016

    Aslm ladies

    I don’t believe that anybody ever did or would say that it is haram to want a peaceful life.  However I do not think that the ONLY way one could have a peaceful life is to be in a monogamous marriage.

    In fact being in a monogamous marriage certainly don’t guarantee that you will have a peaceful life. 

     

     

  • Umm of2

    June 28, 2016

    I wonder what brings those in a monogamous marriage to a polygamous blog. Some get a rise out of other people’s pain. May Allah help them. 

  • Umm of2

    June 28, 2016

    She acts like she’s a spokesperson for people from the previous blog as well as this updated one. How does she know karima must have been embarrassed or how any of us truly feels she dosent know us. I just don’t get a positive vibe from her writings. Allah knows best

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2016

    Arzoo,

    See, you said, “It does hurt me to see women hurting so much when i see that a much more peaceful life is possible and its not haram to want a peaceful life.” The people want a more peaceful life. Can’t you see it. It’s why they are here. You’re one of those who just don’t get it. You don’t hear not one single thing that is heard here. You don’t sound to know anything about what Allah says in the Holy Quran. As Marah S, you don’t understand or except anything about Allah’s decrees. It seem you want your Paradise on earth the same as the Non-Muslims, but you say you are Muslim. This is not Jannah/Paradise. We can have peace on the earth and Allah tells us how to get it and it’s not by thinking about one self all the time and trying to get all of one’s desires fulfilled instantly on this planet. Allah tells how how to have comfort and ease in this life and how to have peace here. You’re one who doesn’t give a darn about what Allah says about trial/test, patience or anything else. It’s apparent. It’s no false accusation. But you are so blinded by your desires that you can’t hear a word anyone says. But, it’s okay, believe what you want to believe, but don’t come here trying to stir the pot as Umm of2 said.

    I hear it in your posts, as well. I know the deal because you were here before and was banned. I questioned you about it here on this blog and you said, yes, you are the person. So, I really didn’t expect much difference from you. I just don’t understand why you are so hell bent on being here as though someone needs you to come to their rescue. No one here does.

  • Karima

    June 28, 2016

    Salam

    Arzoo i really Wish For you the best at Your monogamous marriage. 

    After December incident I was so shattered that I told everything to mom and brother. They are not muslims. Mom Could only see herself in my story since her marriage with dad has always been chaotic I wish they divorced years ago.   She said give husband one last chance. Family don’t know I’m Muslim.

    best input came from my brother who said most men are polygamic take it or leave it. There’s women who can share he told me n others who can’t either I learn to accept it or divorce.  He is upset with husband cause he didn’t protect me from her harassing me.

    so he being in a monogamous marriage with two kids from time to time cheats he said. Why? Could be many reasons … Bad psychology, wanting more in sex, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love or want his wife.

    i hope the future doesn’t hold for you nothing like this and you continue to be happy in your marriage.

  • Marah S

    June 28, 2016

    Arzoo, one of the things you said kind of bothers me. You feel that people are being pressured to sound religious? Is it really that hard to believe that some people actually really do want to accept the qadr of Allah, and trust in Allah, and accept that the only way they will ever achieve happiness and peace of mind is by turning to Allah and worshiping him alone without any partners. You’re so quick to assume that everyone on this blog “sounds religious” because they’re pressured into sounding religious, did it ever cross your mind that these people are being honest and they really have a desire to become righteous Muslims.

  • Umm of2

    June 28, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum. Thank you sis Ana for your positive feedback when I write. It’s motivating. 

    Sister arzoo I’m sorry but I cannot tell if you are here to give positive input you just seemed to dive in with all these inquiries, comparisons, I remember down the line that post you wrote about following the juicy stories here on the blog which turned a few ppl off from sharing their stories.  This isint Twitter these are real people with real pain on a daily basis. I just hope you are here for the right reasons. I really don’t mean to offend I have seen negative ppl come and stir the pot every now and again hence my reservations. 

  • Marah S

    June 28, 2016

    Hello ladies, I’ve been reading and thought I might share some positivity with you all. Firstly is like to say that I love this blog just the way it is, I wasn’t around when things were different but judging by what anabellah has said about it I think that this structure is a more effective one, from what has been said it doesn’t seem like many of the commentators on the old blog had anyone’s best interest at heart except their own. I personally would have found it upsetting to be reading about people bashing Islam and bashing anabellah all the time, ive come across a couple blogs that seem to do just that and they are just a sink hole of negativity. If there are less commentators now then there were before than that’s okay, at least the regular commentators here are dedicated to uplifting and inspiring one another through honesty rather than allowing one another to roll around in depression and anger for the rest of their lives. 

    Ive taken everyone’s advice about spicing things up with my husband, and I’ve seen a huge change. We’ve been spending a lot more time together just talking and enjoying each other’s presence. Today we played a little game. The first round we both had to list as many women as we can think of off the top of our heads from the women mentioned in the Quran. Second round we had to list as many prophets as we can think of off the top of our heads from the ones mentioned in the Quran. Third round we had to name as many names of Allah from the ones mentioned in the Quran. The loser had to cook iftar. I won the first round but lost the last two but my husband was nice enough to cook iftar anyways lol. Im seriously going to miss Ramadan it’s always just a peaceful and wonderful time, I hope all of you are finding peace and happiness this Ramadan as well.

  • Aarzoo

    June 28, 2016

    Ana, thanks for your detailed reply. I am typing from my phone so wont be able to say much but i think you made a v good observation about me.    You are right i being in monogamous marriage look at things v differently. It does hurt me to see women hurting so much when i see that a much more peaceful life is possible and its not haram to want a peaceful life. 

    Karima, thank you for sharing all these details. Reading about your story i see a big positive compared to many others is that your husband does not want to lose you and kids. I think he is a good man in that sense. I wouldnt do or say anything to him to marry her or not. Dont pressure him. Let him sort this out himself. 

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2016

    It’s amazing too, that some women who aren’t married (they’ve left a “bad” marriage) will encourage others to leave a marriage. They are very unhappy still that they are out of the marriage and want company in their misery.

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2016

    umm of2, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m sorry to hear about your lost post. I’ve been there and done that so many times and NO, I wasn’t about to cry. I did cryhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifand it happened more than once that I did both – lost a post and and cried because of it. LOL

    karima,

    I just read your previous post from earlier. I out on the road today, so I’m all over the place with getting to read all the posts. I took it as you venting. You are not a hypocrite. Don’t think that. Just because you feel negative feelings and have negative thoughts and then remember Allah doesn’t make you a hypocrite. Purification of the soul doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a long process and it could take a lifetime to get it purified. We just need to remember time isn’t promised to us. Allah could seize our souls at any time. Nonetheless, only Allah can purify our souls. We have to go through a thing to get the purification. The Prophets suffered. We have to suffer to you, but there is relief insight because Allah promises it to the believers. The relief and good is in this world, too.

    Don’t feel you have to hide and pretend how you feel in front of your husband. You don’t, of course, want your son to see and know it if you could help it. Your husband is a different story. It’s on you whether you want him to see it or not, but nothing says you must hide it from him. Talk to your husband about it, if it helps. Just remember that most men aren’t like women. They don’t talk freely and easily about what they are feeling. Most aren’t emotional creatures. Their main way of expressing love is through sex.

    Based on what I read of your post, you know what time it is. You have a clue about our religion. We’re all just learning it and trying to live it. You’re going to be okay https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2016

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I agree with all that you said in your last post. You summed it very nicely.

    baseema,

    Yeap, I’m feeling you on that one – about karima husband’s other trying to push her out, send her out to pasture, so to speakhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif It’s not good.

    karima,

    Stand your ground. Don’t let her take over. Don’t let her take over your life. You don’t want or need to go cruising some marriage site looking for a replacement for the very good husband that you have.  Believe me, what you feel now doesn’t have to last forever.

    People who encourage divorce and say a woman doesn’t have to endure any pain and suffering doesn’t know anything about what Allah says in the Holy Quran about tests/trial. He says a lot about them and He gives us examples of what some of His prophets went through. He says they are our examples.

    Allah says He tests us with one another. Why can’t it be that Allah tests the wife with her husband and vice versa?

    You read the ayah that I cited about Allah hears the cry of the woman who calls on Him about her husband and He hears both sides. Will women and men have complaints about their spouses? Well, the ayah lets us know that they will. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) had problems with his wives. It’s spoken of in the Holy Quran. No one is exempt.

    There are so many people who don’t know the meaning of life. They don’t know what Allah says. Those are the people who encourage women to leave their marriage at the first sign of trouble or when things aren’t going the way they’d like them to, or because they feel some pain and anguish. Where does the patience come in that Allah speaks of in the Holy Quran? He said He loves the patient and reward them for it. He says exercise patience in all that betides us. Many people must see the Quran as a fairy-tale book without meaning – just a pasttime.

    Our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said truly your servants have taken this Quran as foolish nonsense. It’s an ayah in the Holy Quran. I didn’t recite it verbatim, but it’s close.

    karima, know that this too shall pass. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2016

    Sis Karima, As Salaamu Alaikum :-)

    Your story that you just related in the last post is so much the same as all the stories of the ladies who have been on this blog for the last several years. I think if all the sisters here were to write a book, the books would all end up sounding almost exactly the same LOL. We’ve heard it all before. Your story isn’t unique. I started to chuckle because there were ladies here whose husbands married very young women and the men had said that the youngens make them feel young. It’s so funny. I’d love know what it’s like for the youngens when they’ve been married for a good long while and the men start looking and acting like grandpa Rolling On The Floor Laughing She’s quite dramatic though, staging a suicide in front of him SMH

    karima, I’m glad you don’t feel or think that we are dismissing what you are feeling and don’t know the pain that you are in. We do know. I know it hurts much. I don’t think anyone here is trying to minimize what you feel. We’re simply trying and want you to get to a better place. We want to try to help lift you up. Getting to a good place won’t happen overnight. Sometimes it takes years. I think we do better to let you vent about it, express yourself and we tell you what has worked for us and what we know from and Islamic perspective. I didn’t have the help that is available on this newer version of the blog. It was good having a place to vent and talk about it on the older blog, but I didn’t get the support that I needed from that blog. I didn’t get people talking to me from an Islamic position much. What I got only help prolong the pain and suffering.

    What people need is a way to fix it, a way to heal and a way to feel like their old selves again, BUT way better. It’s doable. It’s what is needed – encouragement and optimism. The person going through it, of course won’t feel all that jolly and jubilant, but we could, Insha Allah, try to help pull you up out of dumps or share something useful. There’s no benefit in sitting around philosophizing and complaining about the same thing over and over again all day and night for the rest of one’s life.

  • Karima

    June 27, 2016

    ASsalamu aleykum

    Arzoo i think there’s nothing wrong with the blog sis Ana and the rest welcomed me here let me talk freely and gave me good advice. I could go on n on complaining about husband and that woman but what would be the use out of it? I don’t know a better male than my husband but then again i don’t have males as friends.  I could go on and on feeling pity on myself- I know I have complexes n self esteem issues- who doesn’t at some point in their life/ ? But i need to work on myself with the help of Allah n move on right? What’s written is written either way. Only Good comes from God the rest is me listening to shaytan thinking negatively n making poor decisions.  Husband never rubbed anything In my face on purpose out of the blue. It’s always her that was contacting me , n upsetting me making us to fight.  I changed my phone number once in autumn but she found out when they met in December and then she sent me photo of at least one year ago n her views on him! I changed my number too n this time husband said if she’ll contact me again we ll let the police know!  What I know from husband is that she is a poor lost soul that was there for him when he felt alone cause I was Busy with my life:(  I think is more than that. She s 15 years younger than him and he liked her, she sees him as mini God , her answer to all her personal emotional financial problems. She went after him cause he let her he liked what was happening. Working together non stop for years made them friends and more than that.  He saw I was feeling uncomfortable n later on after she was contacting me n all promised he’d send her away sooner or later. Had to give ultimatums took me 2 n half years for him to stop working with her n start his own business without having Her work with him.  But I guess they kept being in contact. Either as lovers either as secretly married. I wasn’t making problems once they stopped working together she was contacting me from time to time after that n last year 3 times calling saying he’s a cheater or writing they met and he’s a dishonest person n she send their photo as proof so now I  can make him do what I want him to etc. these where her words. Husband refused reading her messages or calling her n scold her in front of me. He said he’ll handle it n I should not bother myself .  She has always been saying its he who is after her. He said in December- January she is after him no matter if he blocks her she finds a way. She loves him n wants him.

    Trying to put the puzzle together I think he would like me to accept her as a co. I said no to that in December , told him either me or her. He said we are his world of course he would never break up this family. recently I texted him do as he pleases I’ll try n live with it cause I saw they are texting etc.  got no answer I guess he doesn’t believe I mean it.   Things he said over the years that stayed in my mind are…. I was giving u hints about her that she is important to me…… She is a lost soul….. I know her, she has good qualities- someone like you….. I knew her family they know me- they even invited us all with kids to them but don’t think is a good idea….. She would like to be Muslim but I feel I have to push her away n I’m losing hasanat!!!!  ……She respects you ….. I told her to stop harassing you but she’s not listening…… She even tried to commit suicide in front of me and I saved her….. I don’t forget they things u did for me but she also helped me a lot……. You are strange sometimes….. I know I should stop it with her but I m afraid I’ll be weak…… I’m not cheating on you and never cheated…. I feel sympathy for her…..if i was single I could see myself with her….. She needs someone to help her support her care n provide for her…. She makes me feel young…

    I’ll go for counseling with you he promised in January but he’s not ready n i think was bluffing so I won’t file for a divorce.  He has a new number but he kept his old one cause that’s how people can reach him that’s the number they know for many years- n of course she’s texting him- not clear behaviour of him but then again sis Ana told me that’s cause I’m trying to control him n i have no right to do that. 

    Anyway what happened happened what good comes out of painting them as adulterers or bad people who hurt me?  What good will come out if the sisters will start talking badly about him? Do I want that?  As I said though it sucks n hurts there s probably a plan behind it a wisdom I don’t see the decree of Allah so i can turn to him and plead to him ask for help guidance but also show gratitude for the many blessings I have.

    Divorce is always an option .

    i just went down the roller coaster last 3 days that’s why I wrote what i wrote. But the sisters helped me  Alhamdulellah 

    thank you Ana for letting me know news about Gail n rest of sisters may Allah bless you and this sisters blog

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2016

    Arzoo,

    I tend to see it more the way that Ummof4 stated. Many women who were here for years are gone, and I agree with her that it could be because they found a good place in their lives or they were hit with a condition that changed their lives and doesn’t warrant them being here any longer. They either divorced or they accepted polygamy and have no need to continue to be here. I’m grateful to Allah for Ummof4 because she accepted polygamy mega years ago and she still stays here with us to help us help those who are newbies to polygamy who needs this blog the most. There are ladies such as Spirited and Fatima` who are divorced and have no need to be here any longer. Gail has found a good place, as well, and she’s not in a polygamous marriage. There was Mrs.2 who married 2nd who I learned a lot from and she divorced. There are more whom I can’t think of their names right now who divorced. Some people just move on.

    I don’t think anyone here is trying to be self-righteous. If anyone think because they are trying to accept Allah’s decisions (decrees) or is trying to accept polygamy that the person is being self-righteous because of it, then let them be perceived as such. People on the older blog said I had a martyr complex simply because I supported polygamy and was trying to accept Allah’s decrees. I don’t see anyone pretending here. I see people keeping it real. People think some pretend because they don’t like that the people are trying to accept a polygamous lifestyle. Allah says that they won’t accept us until we follow their way.

    Some people have expressed concern to me by way of email about their fear of their identity exposed. They say it is why they don’t write or stopped writing. They say that they feel bad and sorrowful about what was done to me and they fear it will happen to them. For some, no amount of reassurance from me is going to remove their fears. We all know that there are people who are envious and hateful and will do whatever they can to try to harm others.

    Tasliyman expressed her concern about sharing her personal life on a blog because some do come here to be entertained by the stories. It’s not what this blog is about – entertainment. Yet some want to here juicy details about others lives.

    This blog won’t attract many commentators because blogs in general don’t have a lot of them. They usually have the same people commenting over a period of time. Some move on and some new ones arrive. The topic of this blog is not popular because it is a pro-polygamy blog. The masses, including people who claim to be Muslim are against polygamy, in any shape, form or fashion.

    Ladies who are in pain and suffering will come and speak hear, if they are really hurting a lot. Nothing will stop them. People want relief from pain. I won’t say that this blog is declining because people aren’t vocal about their pain.

    If I remember correctly, you aren’t and never have been in a polygamous marriage and you aren’t very inclined towards it. You did express a desire to help those women who are in it. Usually women who aren’t in a polygamous marriage and aren’t inclined to one think along the lines of getting women out of the marriage. It only makes sense. They hate the pain the women are going through because they think it senseless and can be avoided. It’s why I don’t relish people with a negative inclination about polygamy to comment here because it’s counterproductive. There have been some people who have come here trying to post, telling the readers not to listen to me. They have a lot of audacity to come up in this crib and tell someone to discard what I say and then think that I’m stupid enough to post it. Being the administrator of this blog, it’s within my right to set boundaries and determine who will be allowed to post here and who won’t. Those are my thoughts about it.

  • Arzoo

    June 27, 2016

    Ana, i personally want supportive of a lot of ideas being shared at this blog earlier but then i realized that these are real women, their pain is real and Ana is giving them this platform to express themselves and talk to each other. If this platform also puts a to of expectations and pressure then i think its sad. Thats just what i think. I wont say anything more because this is not my blog but just wanted to share what i noticed.

  • Arzoo

    June 27, 2016

    Ana, ok i understad. What i meant was that your story and personal struggle made that blog special because many women were able to relate. It helped them know they are not alone and they were able to vent here and say things that they couldn’t to anyone else in their life. Now i see a lot more peer pressure here for everyone’s comments to sound righteous. It took you long time to go through that journey and i think it helps other women to feel ok that its part of the journey. I think this is their only place where they can vent and speak their hearts. Maybe the reason a lot of past commentators aren’t commenting because there is so much expectation of perfection from everyone. I see women posting a comment or 2 voicing their hurt and pain and then come back and sort of apologize and explain why they made such comments. 

  • baseema

    June 27, 2016

    karima, it sounds like she is trying to push you out of the marriage. if i were you, i would block her number because you don’t need to be stressed out and hear all that stuff. once she knows she cant get you upset, she will move on to her next plan…and did you show your husband her texts? i would forward them to him and let him deal with her. tell him you are blocking her number so she can’t do that anymore, but you wanted to tell him so he can take care of business. don’t keep it a secret from him, expose her so she stops. Otherwise, she will just keep harassing you any way she can. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

  • ummof4

    June 27, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, I agree, this blog is more effective.  We are more solution oriented and don’t have the pity parties that used to occur.  A sign that it is successful to me is that there are a number of commentators who do not comment any more.  They came to a peaceful place in their marriage, and I would like to think that they no longer have a need to vent.  They have moved on in their lives and polygyny is not a big issue in their lives any more.  That’s progress to me.

    I am still feeling blessed to be able to add my insight on the blog.  I pray that we are helping ourselves and others get closer to Allah.  Polygyny is quite  a test, regardless of the order in which one gets married.  Polygyny makes all of us get right to the core of who we really are, and many of us are shocked into looking into the mirror and seeing who we really are.  This blog is free therapy that works, Alhamdulillah!

    To Karima and everyone else, remember to utilize these last 10 nights of Ramadan to praise Allah, thank Allah, and ask for his forgiveness and blessings.

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2016

    Arzoo,

    I think in order to determine which blog is more effective, one would have to look at her or his goal. What is the person looking to achieve from this blog?

    I think this blog is more effective based on my goals and objectives. The older blog was more entertaining, for sure. There were more non-Muslims here, so they shared their views as well. Many times those views conflicted with Islam. There were people here who disliked polygamy and me or disliked polygamy or disliked me, so that had to be factored in. There were times when there were debates about views and people going at each other. People were hating on me. There were days when the blog was disrupted because of conflict that would go on for days. One commentator here said, “Who needs reality TV when we have polygamy 411”. The blog was more geared towards first wives. We hated on second wives a lot and on any woman who married a man who was already married. There was a lot of negativity on the older blog. It was beneficial only in that we had a place to come to vent frustrations, hurt and pain. Other than it???

    I see this blog as having a better aura and it’s a blog that I want to foster a positive view of polygamy because polygamy is good. I know it’s good because Allah permits it, despite there being people who want to banned it or restrict it.

    All wives, despite the number they married in, are welcomed here and I think they feel much better about being here. They weren’t truly welcomed on the older blog. It could probably stand to be better for them here still. I love for all wives to contribute and share regardless of what number they married their husbands in. We are all equal as wives. It’s righteousness that makes the difference. Allah says the best person is the one who is the most righteous person. I had little and slow growth on the older blog and I think what I cited above contributed to it. Yes, I shared more then and it didn’t benefit me because I wasn’t getting any solutions to why I was feeling and going through what I was. We could all sit here and share about pain, what it feels like and how bad it hurts, but at the end of the day, what good does it do, if the person isn’t getting a remedy. The person is still feeling the same way. The person will continue to feel that way unless she gets at the root and cause of the pain. As I said before, if a woman thinks her husband is the cause of her pain because he is polygamous, then she needs to get up out the marriage because the pain will continue to exist as long as it’s what she believes and she remains in the marriage.

    As most know, I can’t share about my personal life because my husband and my true, real identity and where we live etc is out there on the internet. It’s okay because I wouldn’t have much to share now anyhow, other than what I am sharing. My life has changed drastically for the better and good, which is another reason this blog took a different direction. We can’t get stuck. We have to keep it moving forward and continually get better. It’s all about growth and achieving a goal, Insha Allah, that goal is Jannah/Paradise.

    People share about their painful experiences for two reasons. They want to stop feeling the pain and want a solution or they are angry, want to wallow in it and want people to join them in a pity party.

  • Karima

    June 27, 2016

    Slam sis Arzoo

    im visiting my parents haven’t been home for a year usually we travel at this time for a month with the kids. Sometimes husband joins also but now we are going alone. 

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • Arzoo

    June 27, 2016

    Karima, enjoy your time with the kids. Are you visiting your parents/relatives or going away for a vacation. Either way make most of this time. Its good to go away from the daily routine and come back refreshed :)

  • Karima

    June 27, 2016

    Salam dear sis Ana 

    thank you for your Advice and sll the posts I’m reading non stop last 2 days cause I m on the roller coast lol!!!  I know I should concentrate to come closer to Allah obviously Satan is playing tricks on me !!! Please keep me in your Duas as I’ll keep u all in mine to be health happy and close to Allah. I’m out with the kids I’ll write later inshallah

  • Arzoo

    June 27, 2016

    Karima, thanks for opening up about your pain.

    Ana, i think your previous blog was much more effective. Karima wouldn’t have felt embarassed to share her real feelings if it was your old blog. You shared your real experiences which helped women feel ok to share theirs. 

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2016

    Karima,

    Don’t listen to that woman. She is extremely unhappy and totally dislikes her life. Your husband said she threatened suicide. She wants you to be unhappy and out of the picture. She’s telling you those terrible things in hope that you will leave your husband. She sees you as standing in the way of her happiness. You’re falling for it and as a result of it and you not focusing on Allah, you too are unhappy.

  • Karima

    June 27, 2016

    Salam dear sis Ummof2

    thank you for your beautiful post!!! I am crying can’t write now later I will isnhallah. Alhamdulellah for this blog I wish I dared to share my story with your earlier but I was feeling so embarassed and humiliated:( obviously I can’t see things correctly jealousy n possessiveness is not letting me think straight! Just one thing , my husband is an adorable person- I m not perfect- I’m trying to understand what’s happening let go n heal. It’s difficult astagfirullah. I love u all sisters for the sake of Allah 

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2016

    Karima, AsSalaamu Alaikum,

    Umm of2 said it all and all so beautifully. Take heed. Read her post again and again. All that she said is extremely important. You could find peace and joy in your life, if you embrace what she said. She is right too about it not being the time for you to have the answers to your questions. You’re forgetting that Allah decides what you know and when you know it. You’ve got to focus on Allah. As umm said, be grateful to Allah for giving you a good husband. Keep up the nagging and harassing and you may find yourself without a husband. Be smart. Get yourself together before it’s too late.

  • Umm of2

    June 27, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum all. I’m literally about to cry I just wrote this long post karima and it deleted https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifI’ll try to sum up what I said. 

    Karima sis sometimes If we don’t remember Allah and worship Him as often as we should He puts us in situations that gives us no choice but to call on Him. Only Allah deserves to be completely and utterly obsessed over only Allah deserves all your love attention and devotion. Not any other human being. That’s where we tend to go wrong. A lot of us women love hard and most times to a fault but it’s a lesson to be learned. 

    Your husband really seems like a sweetheart he’s giving you everything he can and some. He could have been rachet and ran off with her or withheld sex from you or a long harsh list of other things but he’s not. Only Allah knows why and if your husband is withholding information from you. Allah is the revealer and the concealer. You need to start looking at your husband but seeing Allah (not literally) if Allah wanted you to know all the ins and outs you would. It’s obviously not the right time. 

    Karima what difference does it make if you had all the info or not. That’s their marriage you need to stay in your own marriage. You will give yourself an ulcer trying to find out all the details. Try to let it go. Look what it’s doing to you  it’s taking over you one piece at a time. And even controlling the way you are reacting to your young son. Keep asking Allah to give you the strength to endure it He hears you. 

    Yes men can go and be happy with another wife while the other wife thinks she’s all alone and dosent have another option but that’s wrong. She has Allah. Allah can be your everything, you can give all your love to Allah , Allah can be your perfectness in an imperfect world, Allah can be your friend that will never hurt you never cause you pain never disappoint you. Allah can be your dream come true it all starts with you. Allah is always there for us, is always watching us and taking care of us. It is us sadly who get distracted from Allah it is us who tend to love the creation of Allah more than Allah Himself may He forgive us and make us worthy of His love ameen 

    karima if they are married u r getting the better end of the stick is the way I see it. You’re with him 24/6 he spoils you, he spends time with you and the kids, there’s some husbands out there not doing any of those things cursing their wives right back if the wife cursed him all types of madness. I strongly advise you to try to see Allah in every situation be grateful before Allah takes what He has blessed you with away for good. You seem to have a very good life otherwise. Take one day at a time. Keep praying to Allah and don’t forget to thank Him :)

  • Karima

    June 27, 2016

    Salam Basseema

    i really don’t know what to believe….if they are married for so long then why she would contact me and write me he is cheating on me and he is a lying dishonest person who promised her many things but didn’t fulfill them? Why she would write me he sent her for an abortion???  why she would say I never meant to hurt you? And when I’m telling her since u didn’t mean to do that then why you would write to me and tell me all this stuff? Her answer was I don’t want to tell u…. Doesn this makes any sense????

  • Karima

    June 27, 2016

    The thing is when I’m at a low point like now I take it on my young son I’m rude and angry in general. I want him to leave me alone not to come to me not to talk to me I m sure I look very bad ! I feel if it weren’t for the kids I could soooo easily leave!!!!  I was so obsessed possessed with husband deep down I think now Allah is either punishing me for my past or testing me giving me a chance to get closer to Him. But I feel a hypocrite cause my first thoughts and feelings are negative , for my situation , and for Allah too!!!! Not always but sometimes astagfirullah….:(((

  • Karima

    June 27, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum!!!

    i am having a difficult time the last 3 days … I give my salat and make dua. I used to make Dua for her to disappear from our life but I realised is wrong.of course I want her to disappear… And then maybe another woman would come much worse than her…now I make Dua for Allah to give me strength to endure whatever is written for me… The negative feelings and thoughts towards her and husband are there often I try to fight against them I plead Allah to make me stop thinking about them and remove the jealousy possessiveness and love I feel towards husband.  But it’s not always working.   I will share with u my thoughts and pls help me .  For a start why Allah allows men to be like this?  Astagfirullah:(  To be dishonest and lie ? A woman needs much more than financial support and sex!!! What about the emotional needs what about real talk and communication about everyday stuff but about relationship stuff too?  So ok if he is unhappy and misses let’s say excitement he just goes n marry. And me???  I should say Alhamdulellah for the good and think there s women suffering much more right? I should not sound or be ungrateful. I should behave.  I should not feel frustrated disappointed and hurt while I don’t know what’s happening with them … Am I supposed to read between the lines? They could be married but they could be lovers only. I’m not supposed to spy on him so hiring a detective would be not. Nice to do right?  Cause if I’m that unhappy I could always divorce…. Well not sooner than a year and a half… That’s when my little one goes to kindergarten…after than I get a job and divorce?  I won’t be able to give us the same living standard … We live an average comfortable life Alhamdulellah.  He won’t have to support me just the kids but if it gets ugly he could deny any financial support for them…. Which I doubt but u never know how his ego will react….. He obviously sees and feels there’s sthng with me but he doesn’t open the subject.  He is behaving nicely as always but sometimes I think he s cruel. For not coming to me and telling me how things stand!!!  He’s giving me sex and bought me some stuff for birthday more than i expected. He hasn’t reacted in any of my text messages I sent him past two weeks. I told him to tell me what’s happening basically and I ll try n live with it.  I told him I’m trying to understand polygyny and I accept it cause it’s a part of Islam. I know my December reaction put him off and he is probably scared I’ll do the same. What kind of coward husband I have??!!!!  Next week me and the kids are traveling for a month I’m stressed he’ll be freely with her may even travel or bring her back to work with him… Then again I say I can’t wait to leave not to have to see him everyday and pretend I’m ok:(  I’m hoping when I’m back he would say how things stand… I texted him that! I wrote t him to come straight with me when I’m back, I deserve that!!!!   No matter what that woman did deliberately hurt me many times out of the blue,  it’s him I held responsible for this situation.   I should say it’s Allahs decree ? That I m too small to know the wisdom behind it? That I’ll get inshallah my reward in Jenna? If I get it there:(  Jazak Allah kheir 

  • baseema

    June 26, 2016

    if the 3 years is real, what he did to her is much worse than what he did to you!!  time to let them play house for real! ana is so right, the honeymoon will disappear quick! lolhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif if he supports you and is caring to you, i’d stay! find some new hobbies and interests, enjoy life! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • baseema

    June 26, 2016

    Karima, if he’s really been married to her for three years, i imagine she is not happy! lol i agree, let him spend half his time there because it sounds like he already doesn’t care as much about her because not enough to tell you for 3 years! so let them spend their time together and see if they can withstand “real life” like he does with you! lol! sit back and enjoy the show! enjoy your life and do what you want with your extra time! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • anabellah

    June 25, 2016

    karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You’re doing so good. You’ll be okay. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been crying, but I’m happy to hear you’re getting better. You’ll see you’ll keep getting stronger and better. It has to be a very rare person to accept polygamy in a short span. Some think they’ve accepted it quickly, but soon find they haven’t. It’s not easy by any means, but it is definitely doable and you can have so much joy, peace, comfort and ease in it. You may see you go on the sea saw ride that KA126 spoke of, which some of us call the roller-coaster ride. You’ll be up and down, one day okay and the other day not, but in time you could get to a steady place. You’ll see you could be very happy living this lifestyle. We’re here for you. It’s all good.

    You have the right attitude about letting her share in the cooking, cleaning, etc for him. See how quickly the honeymoon will be over for them https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

     

  • Karima

    June 25, 2016

    Salam Ana

    yes I think eventually sthng will change! If they are married or will be at the end if he wants to be called true Muslim he should be fair with her too.  I told him now that we will go away to my family for a month he should think hard and give me an answer when j return. He should pack his stuff and go 3 nights there n 3 here. Let her clean n cook for him too.   When she’ll have kids n she won’t be able to give him the attention he wants he might even get a 3 rd one lol who knows?

    alhamdulellah he’s not abusive n he supports us financially he’s just secretive n not talkative and not open to answer my questions. But then again it could be cause he saw me got wild back in December.  Lately I’ve been just crying but Alhamdulellah since Ramadan started apart from one incident I’m doing better Alhamdulellah. It’s not easy for any of us I’m sure.

    jazakallshkehir

  • anabellah

    June 25, 2016

    karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Yes, it could be that he really loves you. Don’t for a minute doubt that he does. If it’s Allah’s will your husband could divorce you and go be with the other all the time. He comes home to you every night except two. You haven’t complained that he’s distant from you and doesn’t treat you with love and affection. It common for the wife to think her husband doesn’t love her when he marries another. It’s very difficult for women to believe that men can love more than one woman at a time, but they can.

    Think twice before you turn your husband completely over to another woman and you be without. Why should you do that? It sounds that your husband is supporting you financially and he’s there with you on a regular. You haven’t complained of any abuse from him. You say he lies and won’t tell you the truth about the woman. Well, he did tell you and you went off on him, so he said he was only bluffing to hurt you.

    I think in time, when he sees you adjusting better he may come around and tell you straight that he is married to her. Insha Allah, be prepare for a change in the schedule. You may find that once he realizes you are accepting of polygamy, he may want to give her some nights, more than the two that she may be getting now. It would only be fair, if she wants them.

    She doesn’t sound like the type of person to waste your time on befriending at this time. Maybe down the road, perhaps. Allah knows best.

  • anabellah

    June 25, 2016

    Hey there, KA126, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,  https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Long time, no hear from. It’s good to hear from you, Sis. I remember you!!!  Thank you for sharing on the topic my dear :-) Insha Allah, don’t stay away so long.

     

  • Karima

    June 25, 2016

    Salam

    yes i couldnt agree with you more!!! Divorce is easier said than done and I am not sure it would be better to proceed with it since he won’t agree to it and we ll go to court spending my savings on the lawyers and all( since I want one I guess I have to pay for it..) and what will be the result? Run to her and be with her every day and have to introduce her to the kids and have days they spent all together with my kids etc.  which honestly if things turned out like this I would try and be civil and kind and correct not like her astagfirullah.  What decent woman goes out hurting the first wife by rubbing it in her face they are in contact? Either as lovers either as married couple? Since the husband is keeping it a secret??? And since I am not throwing tantrums ? Sometimes I do feel sorry for her….but u never know maybe with time husband will say the truth.

    maybe he s not telling me he married her cause in December when she contacted me and gave me strong evidence that indeed they met I told his family again about her though he has forbidden me from doing so. And that cost him a lot. So as always he kept denying he’s cheating I kept asking n asking how can u say that, did u marry her that’s why? N he told me yes we are married the past 3 years!!!! U can imagine how I felt. Immediately i called lawyer n made an appointment to file for a divorce. After 10 days he told me he bluffed it was a lie he’s not married to her. He told me to hurt me the way I hurt him by humiliating in front of his family… Since then they are not talking to him …. The more I think of it the more I come to realise he’s not telling the truth cause he’s afraid I will leave him. Could it be cause he really loves me or he doesn’t want to risk destroying our family? 

    N I told him to pls order for me ur book inshallah soon!!!

  • KA126

    June 25, 2016

    As salaamu alaikum  wa rahmatuallahi wa barakatuhu,  I’ve been absent for some time but have missed you all.  I am one of those that has gone back and forth.  Every time I want to leave, Allah Subḥānahu wa-taʿālā places an event for me to stay.  I appreciate and love Allah Subḥānahu wa-taʿālā even more for that.  I don’t want my nafs to be in control of my marriage.  I guess I enjoy the see saw, lol

  • anabellah

    June 25, 2016

    There are many women out there in cyberspace who will quickly tell women in polygamous marriage to divorce, and many of them are Muslims who say it. They dislike polygamy and their good ole go to line is get divorce because your husband does this, that or the other. Regardless of what the husband does, everything he does wrong is grounds for divorce in their book. If all the women were to listen to those who can’t think of anything else, but only know to suggest divorce, there would be no one left who is married. Many who advocate divorce are shallow thinkers and don’t know what Allah says. They say they are Muslims, but they know nothing about what Allah says in the Holy Quran about patience and tests, that Allah says He tests some by way of others etc. They only think like the masses, which tells me right away that something is wrong with them. They’re expecting a life to be like Jannah/Paradise here on this earth. It’s very sadhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif

    Some will tell you to divorce just because your husband doesn’t answer you. I see it as ridiculous.  Just make sure you do what YOU are inspired to by Allah in your request to Him for his guidance and help. You’ll be okay.

  • anabellah

    June 25, 2016

    Sis Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Our intention is to be here to help as best we can. There is no need to thank us. You’re blog family and you’re welcome.

    Men are peculiar creatures. Don’t try to figure yours out as I don’t think we can figure them out. Mine baffles me too LOL

    Many of them have the tendency to lie, tell fibs or whatever you want to call it. They can be thick headed and there is no getting through to them.

    You simply want yours to be straight up and tell you what exactly his relationship is with the woman. How hard is that??? Yeah, I know. It’s too weird that he just can’t answer and be done with it. Wow…

    I totally get how frustrated you are that he won’t come clean with you. You could drive yourself mad trying to get him to just do the simplest thing. Sometimes we just have to be able to walk away from it and let it be. It’s like beating a dead horse trying to get them to see logic sometimes. And we’re talking about worldly intelligent men.

    I know you back and forth with whether to divorce or not. Believe you me, been there and done that. It’s way normal to go through that.

    I think you’re doing good taking measures to improve yourself and not be so dependent on him or anyone else. Good for you :-)

  • Karima

    June 25, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum

    jazakallahkhei Sis Ana I’m gonna look for this specific ayat!!!! Inshallah as I’m trying to get closer to Allah he will make it easier on me regardless of what future holds

    Sis Ummof2 i am not interested in another husband nor I ever will be even if I chose to file for a divorce. And I’m having second thoughts of it all the time. My young one is at home with me for another one year and a half aprox. Inshallah afterward i will start looking for a job. I don’t have to but I would like to. What if sthng happened to my husband ?  I must be able to support myself and the kids no?  May Allah give him health and long life naturally but we never know the future… And I’m used to earning my own money being around with people feeling good about myself that I could do it on my own ! 

    Inshallah it will be okay.

    thank you sis for your valuable input 

     

  • Umm of2

    June 24, 2016

    I second what sis Ana said

    just wanted to add karima do your research and make sure you understand what all a divorce entails. Single mom, working outside of the home to put food on the table, in the future finding a perspective husband that accepts not only you but the whole package, your kids, your baby daddy father of your kids that will always be in your life because of the kids, starting from scratch and more. Weigh it all in the balance and figure out if it’s worth it. And if so its your right to proceed. 

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2016

    Karima,

    Keep the following ayat in mind:

    “Allah has indeed heard (and accepted) the statement of the woman who pleads with thee concerning her husband and carries her complaint (in prayer) to Allah: and Allah (always) hears the arguments between both sides among you: for Allah hears and sees (all things).”  Quran: Surah 58, Ayah 1

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2016

    Dear Sister Karina,  Wa Alaikum As salaam,  https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    I’m glad you asked the question because we needed a post/thread devoted to the topic.

    Divorce is available to you. You have the right mindset in that you will continue to ask Allah for His help and guidance. He remembers those who remember Him. He says He hears the complaints of the wives who call on him concerning their husbands. He hears you!

    Just keep doing what you’re doing in turning to Allah. He’ll provide a way for you. We don’t know what tomorrow has in store for us. A lot of good awaits us, if we only believe. Insha Allah, you’ll be in the position to make that move (divorce) when and if the time is right.

    Try not to stress yourself out trying to figure it out. It will all play out. It’s not as some people say that a person is having a defeatist attitude and does nothing, but let stuff happen. Everything we do was orchestrated by Allah and I don’t know of many who are simply vegetating on this planet. We’re all carrying out Allah’s will. Allah says we will come to Him willingly or unwillingly, but we will come to Him https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

    It’s all good. You’re doing good, my friend. Strangely enough, we tend to turn away from our husbands a LOT when we turn our attention to Allah. We don’t abuse or neglect our husbands, but we put them in their proper perspective. No one should be more important or equal to Allah. Our love for Allah should be the ultimate.  Hang tough, dear sister https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

     

     

  • Karima

    June 24, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum

     

    excellent post Jazak Allah kheir Sister Ana for the taking the time and effort to reply very promptly to us trying to help n support us! Mashallah may Allah reward you. You are right on there’s wives who want and don’t want a divorce. Once they want to stay and once want out. It is not easy but it’s good to know divorce is an option for unhappy wives who can’t seem to find contentment and peace in a marriage, polygamous or monogamous.  It’s a serious issue and I don’t have the slightest clue how to proceed.  Inshallah I’ll make Dua for guidance . What’s written is written ….

  • Karima

    June 24, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum 

    I hope you are well sis Ana and all sisters in this helpful blog. I would like to ask a question: so I’m really trying not to ask questions to my husband so as not to make him lie in my face, cause he would, he is not ready or never will be to tell me he has been married to that woman. I’m trying to avoid the subject after so many months of emotional exhaustion.   I feel very distant from him. I feel we have nothing in common apart from the kids. We try to be nice polite we give our rights to each other. It feels weird I think I deserve the Oscar in terms of unhappy wife pretending to be happy lol.  I don’t want to sound ungrateful I try to think of the many blessings i have, ahamdulleh. My question is, I don’t reject polygyny cause I want to improve my deen come closer to Allan and be forgiven for my pre marriage haram relationship with my husband, and my weak faith:(  but if I can’t live it, I mean if I keep trying but I’m exhausted from faking my happy life with him- not real communication apart from kids issues- can I divorce? It will depend of course how I manage to get a job and support myself…. Or i ll be considered a disbeliever?  I dont know… I’m just thinking out loud… Jazak Allah kheir