Polygamy Marriage Support Group

polygamy marriage support group

Polygamy 411 is a free polygamy marriage support group and blog. Many people who find themselves in polygamous marriages feel very much alone. They think there is no one who understands what they are going through. Furthermore, they think there is no one they can talk to about it.

Our polygamy marriage support group and blog helps Muslims to embrace polygamy. Notably, our support group and blog is free. We are here for those who would like to meet others who have the same interests or are experiencing the same type of difficulties or problems in their marriages.

All who view polygamy positively are welcome to come and join our talks here. Also, we welcome those who simply want to give advice based on their experience or what they’ve researched on the topic. There are many who read here, and it goes without saying that we appreciate them, as well.

Many people have come to our free polygamy marriage support group and blog to let off steam

Additionally, some let go of feelings of frustration or despair. They have no place else to go and no one to turn to. Some have no family or friends who know of the lifestyle that they live. Therefore, we open our home to all in cyberspace who are on the same page. Be a part of our free polygamy marriage support group and blog. Simply make yourselves comfortable, relax and chat with us. We’d like to hear your two cents or more about polygamy.

I must say though; it’s easy to sit back, sip a cup of tea or coffee, and enjoy a good read. However, there would be nothing to read without the writers. The writers put themselves out there and become vulnerable. They open their lives to others and share their stories, knowledge, experiences, thoughts, and feelings. It’s their lives that they share. Rather, they are the ones who put in the work and go the extra mile. I thank Allah/God much for all the writers whom He sends here to this blog.

Our polygamy marriage support group and blog does not focus on anyone’s writing style

We are not about punctuation, spelling, typing skills, or level of knowledge. We don’t care if you’re a learned person, educated or uneducated. It is about being with like-minded people. For those who don’t know,Β  I shared my entire life story with all on the older version ofΒ the polygamy 411 blog for 5 & 1/2 years. Now, I have taken a back seat to let others share about their lives. It’s now your chance to help others out there who are in need ofΒ  support, love and kindness.

Our free polygamy marriage support group and blog assures our commentators’ right to privacy

Most of all, I want all to feel secure blogging here. As the manager of our polygamy marriage support group and blog, I’ll do all that I can to protect your right to privacy when you comment here.I will not give out anyone’s personal information and will not allow anyone else to do so on this blog. Please note and note well that this blog is about respect and integrity. We blog with dignity here.

In conclusion, make yourself comfortable, and only share as much as you feel at ease in sharing. It is good enough. We ask for no more or no less. Just know that you are in a safe place here.

Feel free to join our discussions forum.

 

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98 Comments

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2016

    Lostinlove, Hello and welcome. I thank Mena for welcoming you πŸ™‚

    About your wife, you said, you “wish there was some way she could grasp how this polygamy relationship would save or family.”

    What makes you think that your polygamy relationship would save your family? I only see that it would benefit you and your girlfriend. It would satisfy your desire to have the two women in your life whom you love. It would satisfy your girlfriend’s desire to have you as a husband.

    I don’t think there is any benefit in polygamy for your wife and your children. Besides, I doubt you could convince your wife that polygamy is good. I say it because you have no principle to base the lifestyle on. You didn’t mention that you are of any particular faith. The only religions that I know of that accepts polygamy are the Muslim and Mormon faith. So, let me assume that you are neither. Then how would you go about living polygamy? What would the religious ceremony be for you and your now girlfriend? You’ll need witnesses, vows and a contract, maybe a dowry.

    There have been others who came here saying they want to live polygamy, but have no foundation to base it on. To me, it amounts to making up a way of life that you want, and you’ll call it polygamy.

    Apparently, you overlooked that you are committing adultery if you’re intimate with your girlfriend, while married to another woman. Does that matter to you?

    The best thing I could suggest is that you let your wife go, if you love her that much. Clearly the concept of polygamy doesn’t appeal to her. There is nothing that binds her to such a lifestyle. If you truly love her, then set her free or lose your girl friend. Maybe you should sacrifice and give one of the women up. It’s not fair of you to contribute to your wife’s suffering, as you want to have your cake and eat it too. Your children are suffering, as well, due to your selfishness in wanting to keep both your wife and your girlfriend.

    Those are my thoughts about it. We’re here if you’d like to talk about it more. Thank you for posting πŸ™‚ The best to you!

  • Mena

    October 24, 2016

    Hello lostinlove.

    Being married to a polygamous man I understand your want for more than one woman. Because you said you have a wife and girlfriend im assuming your not a muslim ( most people here are muslim women). If your already separated and have started divorce proceedings it highly likely you lost her a long time ago, it takes a long time for a woman to intend to leave a marriage. It may sound harsh but in turning into a “yes man” you may have lost her respect too.Β 

    Its VERY difficult for women to share a man, especially for the woman who was married first. I dont think I could describe the feelings, its torture. So I understand that she is fed up, angry and ready to hit the road. The ONLY reason I share is because my religion allows it. As much as my husband loves me, is good to me etc, its not enough to endure the pain of polgamy. If you wife is not religious, then im afraid she has no good reason to edure the tourtue.Β 

    Im assuming she cannot understand how polygamy is saving her marriage. Women generally are quite happy to stay with one man for their entire lives, some men are not. It looks as if you will end up with only the girlfriend. You know you wife better than I, and you know what you would have to do to save the marriage ahe wants. The only question is what are you willing to do, to be with her (your wife).Β 

     

  • Lostinlove

    October 24, 2016

    I’m literally dying on the inside, I’m in love with my wife and we are seperated but about to go the a divorce, I have been sharing time with my wife and girlfriend for three years my wife is at wits end she is a hard working very hard wishing woman that has little time, I love her more then i love myself my girlfriend says she loves me enough to have a polygamy relationship, this is a very short version of my story is there any help for me, my wife anger is starting to wear on the kids because we were not getting alone now I have reduced myself to a yes man to keep peace and I don’t mind because I love her beyond life, I just wish there was some way she could grasp how this polygamy relationship would save or family

  • GodIsMyHeart

    August 24, 2015

    Yes, I changed my name. I realized I was making my husband my identity, so I wanted to change that, to remind myself that God should be my focus, and that obeying a loving husband is what we do to uphold the word of God, not something we should do out of passionate desire for a man.
    Though in my last post I shared my recent thinking about why I think I need to get some humility and stop trying to be the man in my marriage, and stop trying to control and direct my husband’s behavior, I have to say that I really gave it to my husband this morning. Obeying a loving husband is not the same thing as allowing yourself to be abused or disrespected.
    I had been having trouble with my memory, and had been fired from some jobs because of constantly forgetting what the manager told me or what I was supposed to do. I also get tired easily, and can’t do a job that requires standing continuously, or focusing for eight hours on the same thing, so my husband, who for the first three years we were married, really babied me, and thought that would help me get well, finally got tired of me not being able to make money to contribute to our finances. So, he started calling me lazy and saying “You wouldn’t marry a man who had no job, so why do you expect me to stay married to you?” He was threatening to divorce me all the time, after a while. But, I never had those problems before I had my twins, so I think that having two babies at once sucked a lot of nutrients out of my body and affected my brain. But, it could be something is deteriorating in my brain, and we don’t know if there is something seriously wrong with me, just that I have trouble with the demands of work environments, so I made this appointment a number of months ago to see a neurologist.
    The appointment was today, so this morning, my husband comes out of his prayer room, where he has been sleeping, into my room, and wakes me up to take him to work at 5:30 am, so I can have the car to go to my appointment later. My car is not running right now. so, I was grateful that he would loan me his car, since he says I am not his wife right now, and all. I felt, well, he still cares about whether I am sick or not, and wants to make sure I can go to the doctor.
    But when he woke me up, the way he did it just made me snap. He said to me in a harsh voice: “Get up.” I said, “ok.” I wasn’t even fully awake yet, only a few seconds later when he said: “Get up NOW, or I’m leaving and you won’t go to your appointment.” He said it like a threat. I got up, and then, he was washing to pray, not to go out to the car to go to work. I was so angry that he threatened me, this way. It was very unkind. He was not in a desperate hurry, because he wasn’t even ready to leave the house. I just snapped. I yelled at him, threw things, and even hit him. I threw water on him. I don’t recommend behaving this way, but I had just had it with the disrespect. I told him that I was trying to do the things he wanted, to leave him alone, and not touch him, to let him be free of this marriage if that is what he wishes, but I was still in my heart devoted to him, and the way he treats someone who treats him with this kind of love is to be so unkind to me? He has divorced six women in his life, and it is always because of what he wants. He wants to run off to America, or he wants to fuck another woman, whatever he wants is more important to him at the time than his wife, so he just keeps leaving wives behind. All the time we have been married, he had this woman friend who he would talk to ten times a day. She would call him at 4am, when she knew he got up to pray, she would call him on his breaks and at lunch, and after work, and later in the evening, and on Sundays, early in the morning, when we were trying to sleep in, and on our second wedding anniversary, we were sitting on the couch spending time together in the evening, and she called, and he talked to her for twenty minutes, with me sitting right there, waiting. I asked him to cut down on talking to her, because I couldn’t even get time with him, and I didn’t think this amount of contact was appropriate to a friendship. It was way over the line, and I thought it would be very threatening to any wife. And I even asked the woman to give my husband and me some space and call less often, like once a week, for a check-in. I think everyone needs friends who are not their spouse, but it was just very invasive how much they talked. She said he was her best friend, and she would call him every day for the rest of her life, no matter what I said. So, she basically didn’t respect my wishes, nor did he. I remember him saying to me at that time, he would talk to who ever he wanted, as much as he wanted, and if he wanted to fuck her, he would do that too, and I had nothing to say about it. This went on, literally, for years. It started six months into our marriage, when, by accident, I saw a text come across his phone, and it said, “My heart is with you.” It was from her. I asked about it, and he said that was just how she talked, it didn’t mean anything. But obviously, this woman loved him. She and he had been previously involved, and he had had sex with her before, though he said it was a mistake, and if she was the last woman on Earth, he wouldn’t marry her. But, still, they had had sex, at least once, so I consdered her an old girlfriend, and so I did not think it was appropriate for them to spend so much time on each other, now that he was married to me. Before that issue arose, we didn’t really fight. But, it eroded our marriage that he didn’t care about my feelings in the matter. I ask you, was his behavior that of a husband who loved his wife? Especially, when it bothered me so much but he told me he was going to do just what he wanted and he didn’t care about how I felt. Is that love? When the Bible tells us that wives should obey their husbands and husbands should love their wives, it is obvious that both sides have a duty to the other, and if both do their duty, it would be easy to get along. If a man loves his wife, he would be kind to her and consider her feelings. If a man is kind, and tries to see things from his wife’s perspective, wouldn’t a woman follow him? But if a man is not a good leader, in other words, if he does not keep in mind how the people he is leading might feel, what they want, and what they need, and how his behavior might affect them, then why should anyone obey or follow him?
    I saw this morning my whole marriage to this man and everything I know about how he acts in marriage, from my experience of him and from what he has told me about how he acted in other marriages, and I could see that he does not respect marriage at all. He has provided a roof over my head, and food on the table, and he gives me money for things I want or need, and he has forgiven some stupid and bad things I have done, but all that does not constitute love. These are things you could also do for your sister. So what is the love required of a man, for his wife? It’s not just sex, obviously. You can have sex with someone you do not love. The Bible says love is patient, kind, and it does not serve itself. My husband is super nice and friendly, and giving, but only when he wants to be. That is not the same thing as being kind. My husband is not patient and he is not kind. He does whatever he wants to do, at all times. If he wants to be nice, he is nice. If he does not want to be nice, he is not nice. What this means is that he basically has very little self-control and he is what psychologically would be diagnosed as a “narcissist.” In other words, the only thing that is really important to him are his own feelings and desires, and no one else’s. He is, therefore, the center of his own world, what is known as an egomaniac. He speaks to me with disrespect. He threatens me to get me to do things he wants me to do, when he could have just asked me.
    Also, when my husband and I were fighting this week, our roommate, who is also Muslim, used that to try to get close to me. He tried to touch me and kiss me. When I told my husband this, he showed me that his dick got hard thinking about another man touching me. He said that I should go to the guy with the back of my dress open, and ask the guy to zip it up for me, and tease the guy, because it excited him to think that guy wanted me. He said he liked thinking of my fucking some other guy, and then he would want me after that so he could show he can fuck me better. So, my husband wants me to act sexual with other men, for his own sexual enjoyment, because it stimulates his sense of competition. He said thinking of me with other men makes him more hard than looking at other women, or even looking at internet porn and pictures of naked women.
    Now remember, this is a man who told me a week ago that I am no longer even his wife. And now, he is showing me how hard his dick is and telling me to play around with the roommate. I don’t know really if this means there is something wrong with him, for sure, because I am not a psychologist. And I guess there is a range of normal sexuality, which is probably a much bigger range than we realize. Maybe my husband just needs a high level of sexual excitement in his life, more than one boring old wife can provide, so his mind plays out more exciting scenarios.
    The real problem, and I think this can probably be applied to polygamy lifestyles in general, is not my husband’s interest in other women, or his high level of sexuality, or a need for excitement, it is not the fact that he does any of these things, it is how he does them, in such an uncaring and rude way, that has ruined our marriage. I have tried to communicate this to him, too. I have said a lot over the years, that I am not completely closed to any idea, or any lifestyle, but I just want to feel respected and loved in the way he behaves and the way he talks to me. I always say, “It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it.”
    Somehow, whenever something he does, or if he talks to me rudely, and it upsets me, he has to let me know that he doesn’t care, and he has to feel like he doesn’t have to change his behavior for anyone. The truth is, we all have to change our behavior all the time for each other in society, and that is how we all get along and love each other. For my husband, though, it always comes back to control. He wants to always feel he is in control. Control, however, is the opposite of love.
    And, since marriage requires love, especially from the man to his wife, I just don’t know if my husband is capeable of marriage.
    Maybe he realizes this, in some way, by trying to keep getting out of marriages. He thinks it is about being closer to God, and he actually told me that instead of thinking about the second wife anymore, he is thinking that he is just done with women. He has been talking about getting back “on his path” of prayer and being pure, where no woman can touch him and throw him off his focus on God. And, maybe this is the best way for him, with his control issues, so he doesn’t keep ruining women’s lives and breaking their hearts. But, I suspect it is a form of running away. We shouldn’t be loving God instead of loving others, we should be loving God by the act of loving others.
    In the Bible is written: “If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but I have not love, it profits me nothing. (1 Corinthians 13:2)
    The only way I can see now to proceed is to just wait and see what God has in mind with this situation. There is a Chinese story about a boy and a white horse and it is a story about faith. The boy was his parent’s only son, and one day a beautiful white horse came out of the forest and he let the boy ride him and he became the boy’s horse. A horse like that was a great treasure, and very valuable, and everyone said how lucky the boy was he found the horse. One day the horse threw the boy, and the boy broke his leg very badly. Then, everyone said how unlucky the boy was that he found the horse. Not long after that, the Chinese army came through and took every boy who was able to hold a weapon to fight in the war that was going on. The boy was the only one who was not taken, because of his leg, and because of it, his parents got to keep their only son. Then, everyone said, again, how lucky the boy was.
    We do not know why things are happening the way they are, in our lives, but we should wait and see. Good things may come as a result of our pain.

  • ummof4

    August 24, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    GodIsMyHeart, did you change your name from HeisMyHeart?

  • GodIsMyHeart

    August 23, 2015

    Hi everybody. Here is the report on my marriage. My husband has been praying a lot and he still says I no longer his wife, and he has not slept with me since I meddled in his love interest for a second wife. I have been thinking about how everything I try to do to “help” my husband or create the love relationship I want or to make my life “better” fails. My husband, though he doesn’t want me for wife any more, has been quite more friendly to me yesterday and today, and I was so grateful even if I can only have his friendship and spend time with him just talking, because, as you all know, I am in love with him and I can’t change that. So, I was grateful he was paying any attention to me at all, and I cooked a tasty dish for him and brought it to his work and left it in his lunchbox. I was happy, thinking, well, at least we can be nice to each other and look out for each other, and maybe he will start loving me again as wife, because he will see how much I truly care. When he got home from work, he said he was so hungry because he did not eat lunch. I said Didn’t you see the food I made you? And it was some of the best food I ever cooked. He said yes, it tasted good but he said he could not eat it. I said Why not. I thought he would say You are not my wife, so you are not allowed to cook for me. But instead he showed me the food and there was a hair in it. Then he went to shower and I went out on the deck behind our house and cried and cried. I felt so sorry and so sad that nothing I do in this marriage makes me look good in my husband’s eyes. Everything I say is wrong. Everything I do is wrong, to him. He says I am a good person,with a good heart, but I am a terrible wife. Its true, I have done some really bad things a wife should never do. Being raised a white American girl with education and opportunities, and complete social freedom, I had no sense of any kind of personal limits. So, I thought I was trying to understand and adapt to my husband’s wishes, which I thought of as “cultural needs,” but if he would try to be in charge or tell me what to do, or say I was wrong about something, I would really fight him. I had no sense that men are better or more intelligent or deserve to make all the decisions, and I told him this. Another part of my argument was that a wife should be your most trusted advisor, and it takes a really best friend to tell you when your breath stinks. I’m just trying to tell you your wrong, like a good friend is not fake and not afraid to tell you the truth, and you should listen to me and you should change. I am trying to help you be a better person. That was my message to him. I could not understand why he would not see how my ideas were better and especially my ideas about marriage. I thought I was just stuck with this really nice, funny, handsome,sexy, God-fearing, amazing guy but who was kind of a completely backward idiot when it came to social forms, like where was he from, the African bush? And if he wanted to act like he was in Africa, why didn’t he go back to Africa. Why marry an American girl, a non-Muslims, and then expect her to act like she is from his culture. I just thought he was being so unfair. But, wonderful, intelligent, kind, and resourceful ladies, I was wrong. From his perspective, it was tasty food, of course he loves me, or he would not have married me, but there was constantly someone dropping a hair in that good, and he could not eat it, and he was starving and getting very angry because of it. And what was that hair? It was me so full of myself and me not truly caring about him. Just the way if I don’t cover my hair when I cook, it can ruin the meal I work so hard to serve my family. So, what does caring about my husband really look like? It means trusting him,even when he takes a second wife, even if she is mean to me or does not want to be friends. My husband said he did not want to be married to me anymore because he couldn’t trust me. Thus is not surprising, because I did not trust him and I did not follow his lead. And here is the real lesson in all of this: God says in the Bible that the wife should obey her husband, and the husband should love his wife. I know that lesson is in the Quran, too. I never felt like I had to obey anyone. But nothing is working, in my career, my marriage, and I even have had distance from my family for the past decade, and it makes me sad and lonely. I was thinking, they are all just not listening to me, they are so full of themselves, from my husband down to my family, down to the manager at work. But, why should anyone listen to me? That is all about me. Who really wants to hear all about me? The truth is, I am in my husband’s life as a gift to him from God. I am supposed to make his life easier and better, just like I should try to help my manager or my family in the way that they request. This That is my job. That is obedience, but that does not make me some dog. Of course, if they ask me to commit a crime or do something really wrong, I would not do it. But, the really satisfying life is a humble life, not based on getting stuff for yourself, but based on service. Once, I asked my husband what he is praying for all the time, because he prays so much, more than five times per day, and he prays for hours at a time, not for fifteen minutes. His reply was, I am not praying for anything, I just pay my prayers, but I can never repay God for my life, so I have to constantly pray more. This is what is called devotion. I did not deserve my husband to marry me, or to give me his love, his protection, or the money he earns from his sweat, any more than we deserve what God has given to us… our life. We have only to be humble and grateful. My husband is not God, as I have recently realized (LOL), but the model of marriage which is given by God is a reflection of our relationship to God. The reason I could not meet my husband with a trusting heart and follow him, was because trust was not a theme in my whole life. I did not know how to trust. And I certainly was not trusting God, when I tried to make my life successful by my own thinking. I really needed to get out of my own way, with my big ego, and see that all life is a gift. The whole thing is a gift, including these beautiful men we love and their vibrant sexual energy,which does not need to limit itself to one woman. Male testosterone is a gift from God, too, because it ensures that enough babies will be born to keep the species alive. It is also testosterone, that aggressive and sexual energy of men that moves out in all directions, that makes them need to lead, and if we interrupt thus energy, it goes against universal law. It is all Gods pattern which we do not always understand, but it is up to us to receive the gift gratefully, don’t argue with what God brings you, nor your husband, and be at peace. Okay, that was really long, and thank you to all who read the whole thing to the end.

  • HeIsMyHeart

    August 20, 2015

    Dear Annabelle,
    You are so right. It’s good advice.I need to stop groveling. It’s a form of worshipping a false idol to place a man or any human or your house or even children first in your heart. Worship only God. Then, God will be your heart and your heart can never be broken. And God knows how to deal with imperfect humans. In Christianity we call it “The Peace which passes understanding.” Just think of the sunset over a mountain,and the trees all around, and the cool and dark of night after a long hot day, the colors of a rainbow, and the song of a bird. The peace of God is profound. We only need to turn to Him
    So, I found my new name. I will be GodIsMyHeart.

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2015

    @HeIsMyHeart,

    You may have noticed my last post to you was short. I had a lot to say, but thought you may get turned off and wouldn’t hear me. You had summed up what was going on, but made excuses for him at ever turn. I didn’t like how you felt a need to grovel to him. Only Allah is deserving of it. We all live it and learn it. We all go through a thing more than just once in our lives.

    You do sound to be a very sweet, kind hearted person. She’s just lashing out cuz she doesn’t want to be in a polygamous marriage. Knowing you and you trying to connect makes it real. Let her be. Don’t reach out to her anymore. It will only make things worse.

    Stop kissing your husband’s @$$. You will only make him feel disgusted by you , and dislike you. Give him his space to sort through what is happening.

    You did nothing wrong. She needed to know about you. You don’t have to bow down to him. Don’t chase him. What you chase runs from you. You’re on the right track to let go and let God.

    Once your husband see you’re not catering to him, begging an pleading, and you show you have dignity, eventually he may come around. I think what has happened may very well be good.

  • Gail

    August 20, 2015

    Helsmy heart,

    Your husband is selfish and manipulating the same like my husband.

  • Gail

    August 20, 2015

    Helsmyheart,

    U know this is not a bad thing that actually happened i think in your case because now your eyes r open.In your first post u were all over your husband making him out to be a saint even when u knew he had met the woman before u and was trying to ditch u like a sack of rotten potatoes.
    Honestly it seems to me he is mental because u seem lovely and I know by the way u speak u must be a excellent wife to him.Why on earth he is mistreating u like this and lying to other woman G>D only knows but hang in there and don’t take any of his crap u don’t deserve that from him and he walks let him walk because again u don’t deserve that kind of treatment.
    I go through this all the time with my own husband and believe me he acts so loving and nice etc.. but if I say one thing about his parents or don’t do what he wants then I go on his ignore list or he yells at me how horrible I am.It used to bother me so much but I have figured out he really don’t love me I don’t feel that is love if u have to be perfect around someone in order for them to not jump down your throat when u open your mouth against them at times.

  • HeIsMyHeart

    August 20, 2015

    So, I am here again and I read Annabelle’s very good article on Polygamy Marriage Nightmare. She is correct that all the problems come from focusing on yourself instead of on God. We have a saying for this in the U.S. “Let Go and Let God.” That is what I am doing tonight. You know that great husband I was bragging about in my first post, and the 2nd wife he was bragging he was going to marry and how he told her about me? Well, I found out who she was and reached out to her to be friends and talk, and she got angry and said she did not want to know me. My husband is now sleeping not with me, but in his prayer room and he says he is done with me. The only reason I can think she had that reaction is he lied and she actually did not know about me. So, she probably got a shock. She also was mad that I asked around and took her picture off his phone and showed it to some ladies and they could tell me her name and call her to give her my phone number if she wanted to talk and make friends. Now, she says, all the community is going to say she was fucking some other woman’s husband. She was very mad at him for showing me her picture and for ruining her good name. I was trying to help her and me, I told her, but she said she doesn’t need my help. She was really mean. My husband then accused me of trying to drive her away. That was not the case, as you all know, because I posted here before all this happened that I thought my husband was being very fair and I was accepting the polygamous lifestyle because I love him so much and he takes such good care of me. Anyway, I begged him to believe me, but he said I was a sneak for contacting her behind his back, and he kept calling me a liar when I said I just wanted to be friends with the new woman. It was horrible. Of course, for men this whole Polygamy thing is about power as much as it is about sex. I have always known if a woman is getting too close to your man, make her your best friend. Then, she won’t want to hurt you. In my art therapy masters degree program, I got a paper that gave characteristics of healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy ones are based on power and control. Healthy ones are based on sharing, which involves giving and receiving. (Not just giving. That would make you a doormat if all you do is give and never receive) I saw that my husband and the lady each got mad when they lost control. He was controlling it by lying to her and keeping us apart. She thought she was in control with him because she obviously did not know about me, or if she did, I think he may have told her he divorced me. I think that was why he made a big deal out of me going to my friends mothers funeral, so he could divorce me, and it would make his lie to her true. And he was saying he would remarry me after he married her, and I would be his 2nd wife. So, she is suddenly not in control because here comes a first wife, and he is not in control, because I spoiled his little plan to have two wives and keep us separate so he could tell us both whatever he wanted. Now, look at how badly people who are counting on control end up acting. She should have been glad I wanted to be friends. Helpful coexistence is mutually beneficial. There is no logical reason to be mean to someone who offers you friendship. Now, for what control did to my husband: He said its over with the lady now she is upset, and its over with me, because I can’t be trusted. So, he went from two wives to no wife. And he is sleeping on the floor in the prayer room. I told him last night I never thought he would be attracted to someone who did not want to be my friend, and who was that mean. I said I think I saved him from marrying her. The truth is, if he had been able to go through with this marriage, I would have had a real bitch sleeping with my husband and occupying half his time and money. So, this long story does have a couple points. One is control creates bad situations and unhealthy relationships. The other is that I am now really not in control, because my husband has said our marriage is over because I meddled. I now have no choice but to trust in God and hand this over to him, and be made of peace. I still love my husband, but, this process has shown me that he does stupid things, lies, and makes bad decisions sometimes, like most humans do at one time or another. And what I have learned is that MY Husband Is Not God. Remember how I was talking about my husband in my first post? I was worshipping him, and that is wrong. Only God is God.

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2015

    @HeIsMyHeart,

    I can tell you love your husband very much. It seems for the most part he’s been very good to you. It’s nice you are happy in your life.

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2015

    @HeIsMyHeart,

    Welcome! It’s nice to have you here with us. Thank you very much for commenting. If you don’t mind, is it okay for everyone to call you by HeIsMyHeart or MyHeart? I ask only because there is another blog family member who just joined us recently with the name Heart. It’s easy to get confused when writers have the same user name. I will try to get back and read your post, as soon as possible. It’s 2:40 a.m. where I am. Again, Welcome! πŸ™‚

  • HeIsMyHeart

    August 18, 2015

    Hi. I am calling myself HeIsMyHeart, but you can all call me Heart for short. Because that is what I am. I am one big heart. I am in love with my husband. Sometimes I want to kill him. But then I see his face and it is like the sun came into the room. When you are in love, you can change selfishness into giving up control. I am a white American Christian and my husband is a black African Muslim. He is completely crazy about me, and is extremely loving, awesome in bed, and I have to be careful before I ask for anything if I think he cannot afford it, because he will go borrow the money or do anything to get it for me. He bought me a huge, beautiful house last year. I have worked off and on since we got married, but in a previous marriage, I got very sick after I had twins, my body did not recover, so that husband had left me because of my illness and when I met my current husband, he really babied me for three years to help me heal and said not to worry about working so much. So, imagine my shock when I went to the funeral, out of town, of a male friend’s mother, who was an old friend from 25 years ago, in my college days, and my husband even drove me to the bus station and bought me things for my trip, but when I returned, he said I was a “loose, f..king b..tch” to jump when another man needed me, and while I was gone, he said he had divorced me and found another woman to marry!!!!
    I could not believe it. I kept trying to tell him I was not involved with that other man, but because I did not ask my husband if I could go to the funeral of that man’s mother, and instead I said I had to go, my husband decided he needed a wife who would not disrespect him like that. Raised as an American white non-Muslims upper middle class and educated woman, I never think to ask permission of my husband for anything. And, he can’t stand this. But I do not mean disrespect. It is just a cultural difference. I could not believe I was losing the man who is my heart over something so stupid. At first I was very angry. Then, I realized I would do anything to be able to keep seeing his face, to keep him in my life, to be close to his body, to feel his love, and he is very strong in prayer and kindness to all, and I know I could never replace him. He told me that even though he divorced me, he would support me for my life, and our house would be my house and he would never bring another woman there, nor would he tell people he had divorced me. But, I begged and begged him to take me back. I was no longer angry. I only knew I can’t live without his love. So finally, though I had said all through our marriage that I could never handle polygamy because I was not raised in that culture, I begged him to please have both me and the other woman as his wives. After a while, he agreed to this, but said that since he divorced me already while I was away, he would marry the other woman, and after, he would take me back, so I would now be a second wife. I was so happy, I said to him, Thank you, and I will be your second wife. Then, a few days passed and we were talking about the second wife and he let it slip he had met and become interested in her before I had received the phone call from my friend that his mother had died and could I come to the funeral.
    I then realized my husband had already been considering marrying this other lady but knew I would not put up with that, so inwardly, he had started to reject me, feeling I was controlling him. It wasn’t about sex or religion, as much as it was about him feeling free and not wanting to feel trapped or controlled. So, be let himself get angry about my trip to help my friend, as a way of getting free from me. I could see all this quite clearly, so I decided that the way to protect love is to let it be free. I told him I was willing to do it any way he wants, as long as I can see him and touch him, If he didnt want me as wife, I would be his lover if he wanted that, and that is how much I love him. He is really a man of God, and of peace, but men are kind of stupid sometimes, so when I said that he got really turned on, and we had sex. And he said he loved me. Then, I observed that we were not divorced, since he was treating me like wife. He said I was more than wife, I was the love of his heart. Within a few days, he had taken me back as his wife, though he has not yet married the second wife. So, I guess I am still the first wife. LOL. I saw her picture, the woman he wants to add to his life, and she is pretty, and looks like a nice person, too. She is black and from his culture, and speaks his language, and cooks their traditional foods, and he says she will never go anywhere without his permission. I was laughing and I said, She can be your good wife and I will be your bad wife. Then he said, Only God knows the future. Maybe she will be the bad wife and you will be the good wife. And he was also joking. It was good to laugh at this issue which has scared me so much since I married a Muslim man from a polygamous culture. I am finally at peace with sharing my husband, because the alternative was losing him. That thought humbled me. After I decided I would be glad for whatever I got, I was no longer thinking I deserved anything, and I gave up power and control over him. Actually, giving up the need for power and control is the key to healthy relationships. My husband did help me quite a bit to make this emotional leap, by committing to maintaining me financially and not letting anyone invade me house, even if he divorced me. He was following Islamic law, the way he understands it, which says that unless four people witness someone committing adultery, you cannot accuse them of that, and since he could not accuse me of that, he could not put me out of his house, even if he should divorce me. So, by following the law, he would basically hang himself financially, because he is just a factory worker, and no way could he afford to support an ex-wife and a new wife. But he put his trust in God and promised me full support if he would leave me. That made my struggle only about feelings, not survival, and that, I think, made a huge difference in my ability to decide to just love and trust him and accept the polygamous marriage lifestyle. He has given me a lot of power over how it will work, now. Because I trusted him, he has started to treat me with such respect. He told me I could either grant them time for a honeymoon time they can just be together directly after they marry, or I can say no to this and immediately he will split his time equally between us. It is going to be a change, and I will miss him. But, I am happy for this experience because 1. I was able to achieve some true humility, 2. I clarified that love is stronger than fear, in my life and 3. I saw how my husband would treat me so fairly, even in divorce, and I now know I am always taken care of, so I can quit worrying that he might love someone more than me and abandon me for her. That is not going to happen. Abandoning any woman is not in his belief system. I wish you Muslum sisters a real Muslum man who follows the rules of God in fair treatment of all womeb, because then his having another wife is not scary. Love to you all. Heart. alpolygam.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif’ src=’https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.giflieve

  • Gail

    April 19, 2015

    Jessi,
    Don’t rush into anything is my advice.I was really curious how it was going to go this weekend with her and u together.Honestly I think she is a little mentally slow or at least by your post it sure seems to come across that way and I think hubby as kinda sold u to her as a way of her not having to work and being able to stay at home with the twins is my sincere feeling.Listen don’t take this wrong ok because I don’t mean it in a wrong way but in all sincerity it is not your business to worry about if her kids has diapers or wipes or even food.The reason why I say this is because if u r going to go down this road u r going get fed up very fast with her and start going crazy so I would suggest u to stay on your side of the fence s to speak and let her deal her own kids.Here is the thing be very careful not to play the compare game either.U sound like me and think 10 steps ahead but here is the thing not everyone thinks 10 steps ahead and for sure by the sound of what described she don’t even think 1 step ahead.My excowife never thought ahead unless it was to pull some crazy stunt otherwise she could not even get food into the house on time.
    I would suggest to u to not jump so fast and if and when u do jump u need to tell your BF that their kids r going to be their responsibility because in all seriousness u see his wife does things way different than u do and u do not want to cause friction.If u do decide to get in the middle of them raising their kids I think u will regret it down the line because he will put u in charge of the entire family which after your and his honeymoon phase I like to call it your cowife will be not doing anything and u will carry the load.My advise is don’t start up with all that mess unless u wan to be hitting your head against a brick wall down the line.Keep responsibilities separate for your own mental health is my sincere advice.

  • jess j

    April 19, 2015

    hey ladies. well we all spent about 24 hours together and discussed everything. and i dont think she truly understands whats going on… i asked her why she was ok with this and she said because she doesnt enjoy sex and i do…. i dont think she understands that mine and his relationship is not based on sex… she also ended up doing several things that i wanted to just scream at her for. she packed the bag for their twins to go to their grandparents. come to find out she didnt tell him they were almost out of formula and wipes. there was enough formula for 2 bottles and only 2 wipes!!! i was also overly prepped with my kids… she doesnt know how to properly do dishes…. and she also seems to think with me being there that she would never ever have to work… i understand right now she kinda needs to be a stay at home parent with twin babies but when they go to school i would think she should get a part time job atleast…. i did let my feelings on it all known with him and he did agree with me and was very frustrated with her… he said he is going to make sure that we can all work it out… i had spent time with her before this but never as long and she hit all my pet peeves… i hope this does all work out… and he did already tell me i would be the head female since i know how to handle bills and run a household and she doesnt really know how… i am really confused now because i can see myself losing my cool with her or me and him fighting because of her. now im not sure what to think about all this.

  • jess j

    April 16, 2015

    she is mentally stable. he already helped her with that and got her out of the situation. i dont think she would hurt me but its y i want to have a good long conversation with her. i need to make sure she is truly ok with it. and we also need to set boundaries. we have discussed sexual relations separately with him and have agreed that we do not discuss what happens behind closed doors between us wifes. we know he will have separate relationships with us both. and he does not talk about us to eachother. disagreements stay separate unless its between us girls then he will step in and diffuse the situation. she is 22. me and him are both 4 years older than her. so i know one day she might enjoy it and thats between them. i know her personality can change but everyone changes with time. i have such anxiety about this weekend. i dont know how it will truly go but according to him we are both saying the same things about how we would like things to be. he has also said that if there is a disagreement this weekend about anything he will step in and see what he can figure out so we can all live in harmony. ugh i just want it to be over with and start the process of easing into things and figuring it all out.

  • Gail

    April 16, 2015

    Jessi,
    Since your cowife was raped by her father I don’t know on that one to be honest she may very well stay passive and not cause any problems with u and her hubby ORRR she may slice your throat when u r sleeping to be frank.I don’t know her mental stability well enough to say in this situation.I do know that woman normally get angry and jealous and all hell breaks loose when a wife sees a husband loving up on another wife.It is like pouring alcohol on an open wound and believe me it can dirty very fast so just beware of the signs.
    It could also go great and she do perfectly fine with it and understand if she is young and I believe she is then her trauma with her father is still pretty fresh I imagine(less than 5 yrs old) I don’t know only speculating since she has young twins babies I assume she is not that old and in time she may change and become very sexual.Here is a Question for u….. Can u cope with them being sexual because there is nothing like polygamy to bring out the SEX in a first wife as many of us can attest to here.U would be amazed just how fast miss passive becomes miss aggressive.

  • Gail

    April 16, 2015

    Ana,
    U could very well be right in your thinking on my situation I really don’t know as hubs has told me he is never doing polygamy so I have not gone deep into thinking about another cowife since he has nixed it.U know me very well and know I have Never from day one said my Polygamy marriage had anything to do based on Islam and I never gave Islam one second of a thought when I was going through this mess.I can see to u where u might feel we were getting r freak on but At the time I based my polygamy situation as much as I could from the bible and if u remember I talked to u about me being so confused that time and thought about Abraham and Saira and how Saira told Abraham to take her servant and lay with her then as her servant birth the bible goes on to talk about Saira having the her maidservant birth on saira Knees etc…I was trying to make a a horrible situation bearable for all involved.Try to understand my cowife was not jsut anyone she was my husband blood cousin so obviously I was feeling like the outsider being betrayed.WHen someone is going through Hell as u say they really can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel they r left to just feel there way through the darkness and that is truly what I was doing.Was I jealous of her when all this started I don’t know Maybe but my real feelings were I wanted to Murder them both and I had zero trust that they still we were not trying to screw me over even after he told me the truth.The mind plays terrible tricks on u when u r in a state of shock.Also keep in mind We only all had sexual relations in the room together for 9 days then hubby kicked her out and he never brought her back in the room after that.I will tell u this if u think watching your husband the man u love have sexual relations with his other wife and feel sexual about that u have missed the point I was trying to make because this was not a boyfriend girlfriend threesome this was 2 marriages and 2 woman hurting deeply and my husband did hurt deeply as well.There was nothing sexual that passed between her or I and that is the truth in it.We never touched each other in a sexual way ever.
    When I seen my husband was not responding to her and like I told u before how he turned to me and said she had bad breath and I about died.That was the moment I understood her pain and I don’t believe I would have ever fully understood and felt her pain unless I saw it like I did in that moment and when he turned around and cuddled with me after.That is not something u get to really witness in Polygamy and it hit me right in the very core of my being.
    As far as me not wanting another cowife that is because I don’t really want another woman around my children.My house is not a revolving door for goodness sake and my husband said also what would the children think of him if he did such a thing he has a daughter.I don’t know he seemed to really get the point as well as I did.So yeah not really interested in bringing in another woman in a polygamous marriage although u know I love polygamy and after my kids r adults and we met someone I might consider it but I highly doubt it because I personally see Polygamy as making a large family unit and we don’t have interest in having more children so Polygamy really would not suit us now based on my thinking.Although like I stated I will always consider my excowife as part of r family and she is welcome back anytime.
    I want to say this I accept my husband did not love her but I don’t accept her not accepting mine and kids love when I told her straight do not leave the marriage or she would suffer.She is suffering I get reports back from the inlaws she still tells people she is married to hubby yet year after year she is just sitting there and knowone is picking her up for marriage because well she is telling people she is married but on the side she is looking for UK or USA man to marry so she can get out of Pakistan and with her being divorced and not a virgin from a dirt poor village family well u know her chances as well as I do.
    on her sisters marriage my MIL said she told her sister not to sit next to her because she don’t want her husband to leave her meaning she is divorced.On one place she say she is marry and on next she say she is divorced.I worry about her mentality and everyone is laughing at her and MIL is saying she is crazy etc.. and anytime i try to go close to her she starts out sweet and nice then she starts spitting her venom at me.I am just at a loss to comfort her or help her.I think alot of it is she is still grieving the loss of her dad.She swear my hubby divorcing her killed him.

  • jess j

    April 16, 2015

    I would like to say i am very excepting of polygamy. it has a bad rep with the whole warren jeffs thing but from what i have seen of people truly choosing to live the lifestyle it can work out very well. he has said if any conflicts come up between me and her he will handle it and resolve the conflict with both of us. which is comforting he is very protective over both of us. I still have issues with my ex husband and he refuses to let me handle it on my own and has taken over with it because he wont let anyone lay a hand on me or her for that fact. he is such a wonderful man. and i hope that it is going to work out the way we all want. like i said before so far he has been the inbetween with this discussion and we are all supposed to be sitting down talking about it this weekend. i have insisted on a private discussion with her to make sure me and her are really on the same page. I have step kids from my first marriage so i have handled kinda co parenting with another woman and it has always worked out very very well. she has not yet dealt with co parenting with another woman. I am still involved in my step kids lives and love them like my own and help the mom when she needs it. and we are best friends now. I hope that this will be the same. O we all have come to the agreement that we do not want anymore kids so he is getting fixed. so i will never have biological kids with him but he says it doesnt matter he loves my kids like his own and is very excited to be their dad. she has said that she doesnt want me to take over her role as mom to her kids and i feel the same with mine but they will respect us both but wont call both of us mom. but she will be taking care of mine while me and him work and i will help in the evening so she can get a break. which i dont have an issue with and so far she is good to my kids but has never been alone with them yet. that is something we are easing into. sorry i am typing so much i am just very nervous and have yet to tell any of my family and friends about the decision because i am scared of the reactions right now. i come from a strict baptist family and church. so this is the only place i have found to truly get all my feelings out there besides just talking to him. i am hoping it will be easier after me and her get some alone time this weekend because as we have been around eachother we have not had the chance to discuss all this since we have brought it up to him. which we did separately on the same day lol. apparently great minds think alike after all lol he is still kinda in shock about us suggesting it but he was feeling torn between us. and he expected us both to just dump him. o so many emotions!!!

  • jess j

    April 16, 2015

    She really doesnt like sex. She was raped multiple times from the age of 4-18 by her father. So she has a big issue with it. She more just wants cuddling from him. I am worried that seeing him loving to me will cause issues. We haven’t been loving around her yet but she says she is fine with it when it does happen. It is agreed that she would be at home with all the kids and me and him will work. I cant live without working. And he wants me and him to pretty much be the “heads” of the household. She is very passive and doesnt want to make the financial decisions and is fine with me and him doing the major decisions. It is an odd situation but apparently I am a comfort to her. Since I am a very strong female. But I still feel like I would be stepping on her toes when we move in together. She has lived with him for 4 years so I am the new girl in the house. But apparently its comforting to her that I would take over certain roles because it would take stress off him. He has been the head of the house and makes all decisions by himself because she won’t deal with it. I have always been the head of my household since I was 16. Her only worry is that me and him will fight about decisions but she doesnt know that I can be passive to a man with some decisions but he is also the type that wants my input and that i wont give into him as easy. lol idk what to think. like i said before i am excited but scared all at the same time. but we are going to ease into things slowly. and me and her are going to have a private discussion. there is alot of steps to take before we move in together. mainly because of my kids and past relationships. my first husband cheated on me with men and when we were about to file divorce he got sick with cancer so i stuck by him and took care of him until he died. My second husband was very controlling and tough of my kids like any little thing they did bad they were grounded. neither one were protects and left me to fight my own battles even physical ones while pregnant and provided no financial contribution and create alot of debt for me. I was also a single teen mom. my kids have been through alot and so have I so i have insisted that things go slow with all of the kids and us 3 being around eachother more and more. luckily they are both very patient with me and my kids. and understand what i have been though and why i have to take it slow.

  • anabellah

    April 16, 2015

    @Gail and Everyone,

    Initially when Gail related her story to us here, quite a few went whacko on her, maybe I did more than others. Nonetheless, Gail held her own. She is a trooper. I can’t much recall what I said to her then.

    In reading her story again now, I don’t see what happened with Gail, her husband and the ex-co as having anything to do with polygamy. I think it was simply the three of them exploring, getting their freak on, and trying an alternate lifestyle. They may want to call it polygamy, but it’s not polygamy based on Islam.

    To accept polygamy a woman is okay that her husband has more than her as a wife and she takes no exception to it. Islamically speaking, a woman likes polygamy because Allah permits it for man. Who are we to dislike what Allah permits, which is good. He doesn’t permit evil or anything that is not good.

    Gail only accepted her co-wife after she realized she had nothing to be jealous of with regard to the co wife. There was no need for her to be jealous of the co, as she knew her husband didn’t love the co-wife.

    For Gail to have accepted polygamy, she would have had to like polygamy whether the husband loved the co and even if he loved the co more than her (Gail). Her “acceptance”, however, was based on on the fact that he did not love the co. It was a conditional acceptance. Gail has said on this blog that she will not accept another woman as her husband’s wife. It would have to be the ex-co. Well, it’s easy enough for her to say she would accept polygamy with the ex-co whom her husband has no romantic interest in. Furthermore, Gail has bonded sexually and emotionally with the ex-co. With it said, I can’t say I believe, based on what Gail has shared with us, that she accepts polygamy.

    I don’t know how Gail can say that all wives in polygamous marriages should love one another if in polygamy and she doesn’t understand why they don’t. She fails to realize that many Muslim women who find themselves in a polygamous marriages, never wanted to be a part of it.

    Some Muslim women realize Allah permits men to be polygamous and that when the man becomes polygamous, it was Allah who decided it. Therefore, they make an effort to accept it and pray that in time it will be easy for them and acceptance in the heart would come. The Muslim women struggle with themselves to accept something seeking the good pleasure of Allah. These women don’t enter a polygamous marriage to have fun and to explore an alternate lifestyle.

    Gail, you initially DID NOT accept polygamy. So, why do you think Muslim women should jump head long into it, embrace their co-wives and love it? It took time for you to embrace your co and to agree to be a part of polygamy. You only “accepted polygamy” on the condition that your husband not love the person (ex-co) and that you controlled her and the purse (money). It was all conditional.

    I don’t think you accept polygamy. You only accept the ex-co and the lifestyle you want to live with her and your husband. I believe you have affection in your heart for the co because she was married to your husband; you and she bonded sexually and emotionally; she has children from your husband; you are raising her children. It’s my take on the situation.

  • anabellah

    April 16, 2015

    @Gail,

    Thank you much for welcoming jess j. πŸ™‚

    @jess j,

    Welcome to the group. There isn’t much more I could add to what Gail has said to you. It sounds you’ve covered a lot of ground and thought things through. Now, you, she and he need to follow through in an effort to implement it. As with any marriage, whether monogamous or polygamous, there will be challenges and obstacles to overcome. Now you either jump in, sink or swim or back out while there’s time. No one can predict the future, as I’m sure you know. Sometimes, you’ve just got to go with it, and see where it leads…

    It’s good to have you hear.

  • Gail

    April 16, 2015

    Jessi,
    Hi and welcome to the group!
    First of all let me say I am really excited for u and your prospective new family.I believe u r doing the right thing to move forward with Polygamy at this time.I am also hopeful that since u and his wife r getting along that u will continue to work things out.Since u r a christian it will be easier for u as u do have morals to go by.Yes Polygamy is all throughout the bible and that is truly awesome and if Polygamy was good enough for the Patriarchs then I assume it is good enough for us as well if one chooses it.
    Jessi I personally believe u must go into Polygamy with an open mind knowing full well that as happy as u r today there will always be hoops to jump through and it will not always be smooth sailing.U must be able to be caring enough to work through problems and NOT hold grudges and I can’t stress that enough.This is really a religious journey and not easy by any means to be honest.
    Now in saying that when u go to your meeting with them u guys need to figure out key things like

    1. Do u want to live together in one home or separate
    2. Will your cowife watch all the children while u work?
    3. Will u contribute to the household income or keep your own income separate?
    4. How will u deal sexual activity because there are a few options like splitting up days where u r with hubby every other day and she has him every other day.
    5. U need to be honest with them and not lie and them also about jealousy issues related to sex and being loving around each other.(I really wouldn’t by into she doesn’t like sex with her husband because believe me even if she took sex for granted before u she won’t now that u r in the picture and u need to understand that because sex goes with love and power and control over another person to some extent as adults we all understand this and need to be honest about it.If u and her can get a bond and be loyal and trustworthy and forgiving with each other when one of u screws up then it will be good for the family unit.Don’t worry about the kids they will accept it as long as your husband and cowife are good with them.

  • jess j

    April 16, 2015

    ok I never thought i would be in this situation…. i met a wonderful wonderful man he is everything i have ever wanted. he has always been honest about his situation. he has been with a woman for 4 yrs and they have twins but she is not sexual at all and has always been ok with him being with other women but they do love eachother and she lives with him but she knows that she doesnt fill all the voids in his life… not just sexual there is other things too like he is very outgoing and she is a home body. I have had 2 failed marriages and it was the intention of just me and him having a fling. however we have fallen totally in love and she knows that but they dont want to give eachother up and he doesnt want to give me up and she doesnt want him to give me up. he is wonderful with my kids and i love his. we recently all had to have a talk because he wont give up his kids which i would never ask him for and she honestly has no life skills never had a job nothing. me and her get along great so the topic of what to do next came up because we all balance out everything about eachother and the topic of polygamy came up. and he had private talks with both of us and we apparently both said the same thing. we both want him and dont want to give him up and that we would like all of us to work it out together. he was shocked he was expecting both of us to yell at him and dump him but we didnt. we both want it to work and we are both excited about it and he is now excited about it. none of us were raised in polygamy most of what we know is from tv shows the good and the bad. i guess i am looking for guidance. I have 2 kids 8 and 5 yrs old i am concerned how it would affect them. his twins are younger so they would actually grow up with it. me and her have yet to sit down and talk but we have had him ask certain questions and we both seem to be in agreement of how it would work. we are sitting down and talking about it this weekend but i am kinda scared and excited. scared that me and her wont really agree and that this will all fall apart at the seams. excited because like i said we all balance eachother in many aspects. has any body been in this situation? o I am southern baptist so it is against my church but why should i have to give up on this? i read the bible and there is tons of polygamy in the bible! i love him. i guess im just worried confused and idk how to describe it. please someone give me some guidance. i do want this.

  • mame bousso seck

    March 22, 2015

    He doesn’t talk about it.. He says as long as his 1st wife keeps him happy he doesn’t need other wives. He grew up with his dad having 4wives. Big family. He wants a big family.

  • Ina

    March 22, 2015

    @Angela,
    Why are worried polygamy? Has your husband talked about marrying again? If its not yet on his radar then you may be worrying about it needlessly. Enjoy your marriage as it is. Learn about our religion…it will be your saviour if polygamy is decreed for you and your husband.
    You have found this blog and the support here is amazing should you need it.

    Have you read the short story called second wife shared by ummu ain in the march discussions? Its a beautiful and powerful story.

  • anabellah

    March 22, 2015

    @Angela, hello Welcome to the 411

    To answer your question how you could accept that your husband may one day marry another, the only way you will be able to accept it is if you learn your new religion (Islam) and try with all your ability to live Islam. You have to love Allah and want to seek His good pleasure in order to be at peace in your life, have comfort and ease, and have a tranquil marriage.

    I’ve always been skeptical of women who accept Islam to marry a Muslim man. Ask yourself this question; don’t answer it on the blog. The question for you is, if your husband divorced you today, would you continue to embrace the religion – Islam with all your heart and soul or would you go back to living the life that you had lived? Taking the Shahadah (oath to be Muslim) and becoming a Muslim is a serious commitment one makes to Allah. It is an oath you made to Allah. No one seems to tell the person who takes the oath just how serious of a commitment it is. It’s no simple matter and there are very serious consequences for those who become Muslim for any other reason than to serve and worship Allah.

  • Mame bousso Seck

    March 21, 2015

    Hello my name is Angela. I converted on Feb 1st of this year. And married my husband the same day. It was a spiritual ceremony. He is legally married going through a divorce process now so that we can become legally married. My biggest fear him being Muslim and being raised as a christian then converting to islam.. I was raised a man should have 1 wife and only 1 wife.. But him being raised that having multiple wives is an okay thing.. I love my husband. I’m a jealous person.. Don’t like sharing. How can I bring myself to accept the fact if later down the road he decides to have another wife other than myself.. I love him and wanna support him in everything he does. I’m scared of the hurt by him sleeping with another woman. Him being in love with another wife.

  • Gail

    December 11, 2014

    Denise
    I have to say I agree with Marie in the fact the girl is not your husbands wife she is nothing more than a slut to be frank and her child is a Bastard.It is even more clear u can not handle this disgusting situation and u r just torturing yourself in remaining in it.I am going to be frank here u r setting a horrible example for your children by letting this situation continue without putting your foot down to the nonsense.Straight up the girl is a little B!tch understand.
    I have advised u several times to move out and get your own place with your children apply for HUD do something Do Anything but please stop with this nonsense that u have to take it.U don’t have to take it because your husband and cowife r not religiously married understand.If they get married in the future then that is a different story but right now it seems your husband is acting disgusting and picking his adulterous affair over u and your children and u should be treating it as such.OK fine u did not understand this when all this started but now u very clearly are getting the picture.If your husband prefers the other woman over his family then let him have her and focus on u and your children u r burning your blood for no reason.Bottom line the girl is STUPID to spread her legs not being married and she deserves what she gets to be frank.I don’t feel even 1% sorry for her.Your husband is a Adulterer straight up.I really think it is in your best interest and your kids to get a place of your own and focus on u and leave them two NUT JOBS to themselves.U have not one time mentioned u have tried for HUD housing do u know if u Qualify??? U are living in a tent in your husbands aunts backyard and u r crying on some man that can’t support u or your kids I don’t know girl there is some disconnect going on in your brain that u really need to figure out before u screw your kids up.
    I am sorry if I sound hard but the truth is the truth.

  • Denise

    December 11, 2014

    So i did it again,
    Got upset with the 2 of them having intament time today.

    Can someone please tell me why i do this to myself and why i do it to them?
    I feel beside myself because i do this to us…

    I need some help…

  • Marie

    December 6, 2014

    Denise, I’m going to be straight with you here. I understand your feeling jealous about them being intimate and the baby. It’s part of sharing anything that that we don’t want to. If the other woman was his wife, I would advise you differently. but If I were in your situation it would take every once of me to not drag that little ***** out if my house/tent and straight up tell my husband that little missy is on the curb and if you want to join her be my guest. NO WAY would I allow a woman who has no right to anything of my husbands (his time,money ect) come up in my home, disrespect me,my husband, my home and children. I’d tell her to get up outta my face, she not his wife, so don’t come acting like you have a right to even be here let alone act the way she has been.

    Now, if your husband marries the woman/girl then suggest you have some rules for what would then be a polyganous situation. I know your not religious but my advice in a polyganous marriage is to follow what’s known to work as far as avoiding jealousy, arguments and uncomfortable situations. I would incorporate Islamic teachings. Like, separate accommodation, equal nights/days and maintenance. Do not be the outsider in this set up.

  • Gail

    December 6, 2014

    Denise,
    Wait a minute here HOLD UP.I just read what Aysh wrote about the girl being very very young and u said u r pissed that he is having sex with her while you are at work yet he gives u sex when she is at work.
    If this is correct it seems the problem is yours not hers.Is it possible u r straight up jealous and u want sexual relations to be only when u all 3 r present?
    If this is the case I TOTALLY understand that as I went through this mental thinking myself and believe me when I say it was hell.
    Either u have got get past your jealousy issues or admit to yourself this is not going to work for u and take your kids and move out.Your husband can come visit u have two separate families.
    I feel u must make a decision soon for the sake of your own mental health and the health of your children.

  • Denise

    December 6, 2014

    How do you deal with something that for a week has done eveything to bring you pain? She has said for the last 2 days that all she wants is for me to get the hell out of her and my husband and boys lives because she thinks i don’t deserve them. She dose not deserve to have them or me ether.
    I have been called so many names today and told to go to hell.

    She attacked me tonight throw thing and brook a few things and hitting and throwing things at my husbands. when i did that a yr ago i didn’t get the love that he is giving her right now. she has gone up and giveing him a kiss but if i would have done that he would have pulled away from me and he is not doing that to her.

    What do I do?

  • Aysh

    December 4, 2014

    Sorry denise I think i misunderstood what you wrote about the kids and work. And maybe the dream thing too.

    You said you’ve been through so much with him already. It sounds like life with him has not been easy.

    What do your kids say about the situation? Are they in the tent too? It must hurt them seeing you upset.

    Staying there just so she doesnt win wont make you happy Denise. She wont be happy either because she probably knows he’ll move another woman in when he finds one.

    Sorry for being personal but it seems your husband gets excitement from you 2 women watching him have sex in turns with you.

    Im a bit concerned for the gf too actually. She was 16/17yrs when this started? Hardly any life experience to handle a unusual relationship set up.

    What does her family think of it? How did you and your husband even meet her?

  • Aysh

    December 4, 2014

    Denise,

    Id be a mess if I were you. I couldnt be there while my husband had sex with someone else. I promise Im not judging you itd just be way too awkward for me. I wouldnt know where to look.

    I think that is a huge part of your problem. Cant you have intimacy in private? Could that be a ground rule?

    Denise, its really selfish him blaming you women for ruining his happiness. He should look in the mirror and ask what he can do differently to help the situation. After its HIS dream, you said he spent 15yrs nurturing it.

    What about your dream? Her dream?

    And no way should your teenage kids have to help pay for him to live out his dream!

  • Denise

    December 4, 2014

    why dose it hurt so much and why do i get so upset when i know that they have been intament when im at work I just want to scram and throw things? why do i feel like it is not fear?

    I know that it is fear because i do get it when she is working
    I just went of on hubby about it and got so mad and said alot of things that i should not have but i just could not help my self.

    why do i do this to myself?

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2014

    Zaisha,

    I’m on the road so typing quickly. You gave us more details, so I understand better. You need to tell u r husband to get you back to the U.K. where he and u r families are. He should not have made his intent to marry u knowing he’d have to hide you. Didn’t u have a wali? You have to be strong and put your foot down. Regardless of what he says, get u r self back to the U.K. Forget about his promise of what he will do 4 or 5 years from now.

  • Denise

    December 3, 2014

    My kids are 18 and 15 yr old boys. He is getting ready to start a working and She is babying setting so there is other money coming in besides mine.

    All he is looking for is for everyone to be happy and get along and if he can’t get that they he thinks why should he stay if her and i are going to be at each other all the time. Last night and this morning is the first time in 3 day that her and i have talked with out getting in to a fight.

    Gail to answer your question I don’t have a low opinion of myself I know that i can take care of my self and my boys if i had to because i had to for 46 days, I was working home schooling boys and trying to get the house we lived in at the time remolded. i have been throw so much with him that i don’t want to leave. He has a dream that he has been working on for 15 yrs and looks like it is about to come true for him and i would like to be part of that.

    There are times that i feel lost and about to snap but i look back on my life and see that i have overcome so much that why can’t i overcome this?

    I have felt like i want to run home back to my mom and to tell them where to go but if i do that then im giving her what she wants.

    Last night was the first time in a week that him and i have been intament but she was there with us and it has only been like 3 day for him and her but i was with them and on top of all this that time of the month has come for me and I know that is not making it an easier on me because that is going to be 4 to 5 day that i can’t do anything. but do i give them that time when im not going to be getting that from her again for the next 8 months?
    Sorry for all my thought being all over the place i just can’t seam to get them in order Like i said i feel lost and every time i feel like im going to be ok another door that i come up in is closed and locked and takes me for every to open it or even go back and find one that is open.

    I have taken what you all have said to heart and been putting it to use.

  • Gail

    December 2, 2014

    Fiction,
    I really liked your post to Denise.I think u brought up alot a great details as far as actually being married and having a mistress.I think since Denise husband has flat told her that he would like to move to a mountain to get away from her and her cowife and if they r already living in a tent in his aunts backyard I am scratching my head wondering why Denise is putting up with this unless she has low opinion of herself.

    Denise,
    Don’t mind ok but I must ask u do have a low opinion about yourself that is making u in fear to move on and leave this situation at least for awhile.Honestly everything u have said makes me think your husband has some serious serious issues and can’t even support u and your kids let alone another woman and her kid.Then to top it off he threatens u that he will move to the mountain and only see u both on the weekend.I am perplexed at what exactly in love with if he can’t even support u.Please don’t take wrong I just wanted to bring it your attention that maybe u r selling yourself short in your marriage.
    If I was u and if u have a job I would go and start looking at HUD Apartments and try to get u and your kids into a HUD apartment and leave those two alone to be honest.I would also demand both of them get jobs if they do decide they want to work it.I honestly don’t think your problem is Polygamy as much as your husband is lacking to financially support and put a roof over your head.This is just unacceptable to be frank since u have children.Denise again if I were u I would focus on your kids before u end up loosing them to streets or they themselves just get sick of their home life and walk away.U have more problems coming up down the road depending how old your children are.
    What I have read about u so far is that u seem to be a really sweet caring loving person.Think about what I said.

  • Fiction

    December 2, 2014

    dear its okay to not feel okay sometimes about anything or everything. You are working so financially independent, emotionally if you wouldn’t have been that strong & patient you wouldn’t have survived this amount of time sharing him.

    You are financially and emotionally both strong, so can never be miserable no matter what because you have capability to not only survive but live life, circumstances and opportunities can come & go, don’t worry just trust and love yourself at least 1/4th of how much you love him because you are lovable and beautiful both inside & outside ( remember that!!)

    There could be a Woman younger, more pretty, more successful but she can never be you, you’re Unique. so just be yourself…

    Also feelings are meant to be expressed, emotions should be handled not controlled. Honest communication is very necessary especially in polygamy because if you will suppress your feelings then it can even at the very least build resentment in you & your husband clueless about them might misunderstand your intentions and actions.

    Its okay to love and get hurt, both are natural and inevitable things but when you find yourself more in love with the memories of the person than the person himself, we should be able to differentiate between the fantasy and the reality, his images might be how you viewed him but the person in front of you is what he really is.

    Just remember you are beautiful and a blessing, love yourself for you!!

  • Denise

    December 2, 2014

    I just dont know what to do right now. I just want to dig a hole and crawl in it right now and hide I don’t know how much more i can take. part of me wants to run back to my mom and forget all this has happened but i love him some much that i don’t want to leave him.

    So scared and hurt dont know what to do.

  • Fiction

    December 2, 2014

    also Denise here women are living polygamy when their Husbands have REMARRIED as per their religious guidelines dictating their duties, rights, obligations for each other and their religion so they can easily track what went wrong, what is acceptable and how to deal with any situation religiously.

    Adultery is a sin as everyone knows- practically that’s why its a reason enough to divorce even if committed once & morally its wrong as per every religion and even with no faith its against humanity. Not to forget spiritually encouraging and accommodating a sinner in itself is a great sin…

    I wonder since its based on personal choices will your Husband accept that being done to him whatever he is doing to you? him working and you enjoying intimacy with your bf, showing love to bf in front of him, sharing not only home but also bed with bf not to mention you giving him cold shoulder for not getting abused by your bf properly? maybe one time you can have an interesting conversation with him regarding this and you can justify all this by showing him that you love him and don’t want to leave him.. just discussion to let him understand how childish then he could be..

    though committing adultery even as revenge is no less a sin. But if it’s an open marriage including no faith then should be open for everyone! A glass could be half filled and half empty but when a person is eating his cake & keeping it too then he should at least be aware that glass is not something unique also two men means greater protection and financial security.

    Your Husband might love you more for approving all that but you should not wonder when they think its okay to disrespect you, you have yourself set up the standard to be treated not only by him but her as well.

    Not to mention every woman is the role model to her daughter for letting her know how should we be treated by others and what’s acceptable and what’s not, for son on how to treat a woman!!

    I can personally understand from religious point of view but if its just a matter of choice then I think Life is worth more than concluding your worth on how well & how far you can accommodate a man?

    Also if a woman approves his adultery or even accommodates his mistress then why would a man ever leave her? she choose to stay when he has given her all ultimate reasons to leave him and he would want to leave? I mean if a man gets to live a Bachelor’s life with all the benefits of a marriage, wife fulfilling all his needs to enable him pursue even his dark fantasies why would he ever leave? where would he then find another such wife?

    dear even if a man has best marriage and leaves, he at least gains one thing for sure that is his freedom to do and pursue whatever he wants, you are providing him that within marriage itself.. Love can be unconditional but relationships cannot…

  • Denise

    December 2, 2014

    She has been calling me a liar and that i have never told my husband the truth on anything. Saying that when i went to her for help when i was feeling set aside and the harsh words that she said saying that i had not right to feel way because i will get so much more time with him this week then she will. All i wanted was for her to understand why i was feeling that way and maybe help me to get past it but that is not what she did.
    He is getting to the point that he wants to leave both of us and find a place on a mountaion here only on the weekend we will be able to go see him.
    She was throwing things at him and hitting him and calling me a b**ch and that she f*cking hated me and saying that she wished i was gone. Right now the shoe is on the other foot to speak she is now here i was a year ago when all this started but i never cared it over to 3 days. When we were all just talking yes i let some of my mad feeling show throw what i was say and had to be put in to check by my husband but that is what i asked of him so that when i was coming across mean that i could stop and breath and then go again.
    I did lash out saying the same thing and saying that i was going to call her day and have him come get her because im so hurt by what is going on that im not sure what to say or do. I have been quit so i don’t add fuel to the fire that is already going on with her.
    Now hubby dose not want anything to do with eather one of us as far as showing love or giving it. I was feeling so good this morning before she got up and was hoping to a good day but when she walked into the room i felt all that go out the door . My husband is a good man and love me and her when we are all working together and happy.
    the last 3 months have been hard on us all because we are living in a tent in my husbands aunts back yard

    Sorry every one for the rant but i just don’t know here to go to get all this out with out someone knowing them and getting back to them. I have told my husband this and he working with me to over come the problems that im having. I just wish that she could see that i was just asking for help and a way to see why i shouldnt be feeling that way.

    All that you all have said has helped in one way or another and i look fwd to seeing and getting more.

  • Fiction

    December 2, 2014

    Dear Denise,

    No matter what marriage is a sacred thing and comes with some principles to be followed, your Husband willing to sleep around and you approving it cannot ever justify adultery that what it seems practically, sorry to be so harsh.

    Dear the problem with you wanting separate accommodation and them wanting living together is arising because they both are getting all the benefits of living together while u only getting all the disadvantages!

    She gets to spend quality time with him, enjoy intimacy whenever she wants without you being there but you don’t get to spend the same with she always being there. when its about her, she prefers her alone time with him as couples but when its for you she wants it to be a group activity. Hugging or kissing him in front of you, wanting him to drive her alone but always be there when with you are not that of a big deal practically but if we consider her intentions, sensitivity for your feelings and respect towards you and your relation with him, YES they are meant to be taken care of. If he wants a wife and gf both then he should handle both & not allow especially mistress to abuse his wife.

    Also it might be easy to blame her but your Husband has faults too by letting her all do that & no man is that dumb to not acknowledge that though ignorance is a matter of choice. If He doesn’t feels like objecting her when she calls you names then he should at least not be the one to tell you about being childish. Its utter disrespectful & if your husband lacks backbone, you should take care of it right now it might be an incident but it won’t be too far to be a routine if continues..

    Now if you think what changed now regarding her well with her intentions nothing much and now that she thinks she already being so young must be the one whom he desires has now got his child too has provided her security in her relationship. so now she is all up to decide about yours. It might be that she could be waiting for this to happen to reveal her true identity.

    Now what makes me so sure? She claimed that you want her gone, whatever you do for her is to show your husband and make him admire you… Now even in anger when a person says things like that they actually reveal about themselves and their intentions according to the same viewpoint they do.

    The thing is your husband loves you and doesn’t want to leave you, then dear let him prove that.. who’s stopping? You have already proved your love for him by sharing not only him bot house and bed as well, now not accepting to let her walk all over you doesn’t means you don’t respect your relation instead there’s something called as self-respect as well..

    Also if love would have been the only factor to stay with someone then factors like commitment or even marriages would be a mere waste..

    If he loves you then it should be for you being yourself, not you allowing him to love her by making things easy for them at the cost of even getting abused.

    Also when a wife becomes nicer & more accommodating then either husband starts loving and respecting her more which is usually when he wants to be fair otherwise he sees it as an opportunity to take advantage of her & it becomes clear in his mind which wife to be taken care at all cost and which one to be taken as granted to be comfortable!

    Regards

  • Denise

    December 2, 2014

    Gail
    I don’t know what do to any more i can’t even stand to be in the same room with her with out S. being here. She is 18 and i have talked with hubby about what is going on but he has been a witness to it all so he know how she is acting. I did tell him that i felt that separate eather rooms or home is what it was going to come down too. I know what it feel to sleep with out him for 46 days and I can do it for a couple night a week. She only knows what it is like to not have him there for 7 days. When I said something to him last night about this she said that if that was to happen then she would just move back to be with her family she would be taking his baby from him and i can see her doing that.
    i have come to realize that he loves me and that he dose not want to leave me and dose not want to see me leave.

    Im just sick to her telling me that i get more time with him then she dose. If i was to take all the time that she has had over the yr she would be way ahead of me but i dont think about the time any more i just wanted her to hear me out and maybe see that i was not trying to bring a problem up just feeling and see about getting some help from her with it but i now see that i can’t do that with her like i was hoping for I’m just going to have to ask hubby for the help and sapornt.

  • ummof4

    December 2, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Denise, I believe you said that your husband is not married to the other woman. If that is the case, then you are not in a polygynous marriage. Your husband is not practicing polygyny, he has a wife and a girlfriend/mistress who lives with his family and sleeps in the same bed with him and his wife. I am only going by what you described. Your husband is committing adultery and you didn’t seem to disagree with his decision. Some women stay with their husbands who commit adultery, and some leave; it’s an individual decision. If I am wrong about your situation, please correct me.

    May Allah guide us to and keep us on the Seeratul Mustaqeem (The Straight Path).

  • Gail

    December 2, 2014

    Denise,
    U sound like me a few years back and I am not going to lie it was nothing short of pure HELLLLLL!!! Just so u understand how horrible it was.
    Listen girl here is the short and skinny of it as I can see it.From what u have described it is pretty darn clear the girl is jealous of u and it is going to be hard as heck to get her to stop being jealous of u.What is this girls age?I figure she must be in her 20s the way u r describing.I was hoping u could nip it in a bud before it got out of control but I can tell by the way u r talking it has already gotten out of control since u r to the point of really wanting her to just leave.
    Here is the thing u have a few choices here in this situation #1 u can talk to your husband and tell him u want separate homes and u can’t deal with living together anymore #2 You can leave your husband and u get your place for u and your kids #3 You can talk to your husband and flat tell him straight she is acting up to the point u r getting tired of it and u r expecting him to get the situation under control before u totally blow your gasket.
    I would like to give u a different perspective also that it will go so much easier for u if u take your focus off of your husband and your cowife and focus on other things in your life.Woman of faith tend to focus more on Allah/G.D.
    If u r not religious then focus on u and your kids and focus on your life.
    I wish I could tell u it will get better but lets face it she is pregnant so I would proceed with anything u decide with caution because I imagine your husband will be protective of her right now.
    Also don’t feel so bad about u going to work and him being intimate with her after u leave because this is all new being just a year old relationship.These things happen in Polygamy and u just have to grow a tough skin and learn to pick and choose your battles wisely.

  • Denise

    December 2, 2014

    She thinks that i have not cared about her for the year that we have been doing this. Yes the first 6 or so months were very hard on me because i was working 40 hrs a week and she was just setting on her tush at home with my husband. so i did have trouble with her getting all the time with him and i know that there where times that he would see me off to work in the morning go wake her up being intament. I didn’t get that then and i don’t get it now. Im up before both of them so i can get kids up and off to school. the last 6 months have been a little easier on me with them being together but i still feel that she get more of him. just like now i feel like S. dose not give a shit that she has called me names and said that YES she would like to see me GONE. he is all love and hugs with her and im the one that is getting the cold shoulder. How can he let her do that to me and not back me up? i feel he thinks it is ok for her to do that to me but i can’t say something along the lines that she is being mean to her because then im acting like a child.

    I have tried to ask her to go out to eat but she will not becasue she is afraid that i will get upset but don’t I have that same right too? I don’t what to do anything with her any more. I can’t even have my husband come pick me up from work with out her having to drive him he can take her to work with out me but i can’t have just him come get me.
    I have gone out of my way to make her feel loved even when im feeling like i shouldn’t right now.

    i just feel that she should live and got back to her family and let me have mine back.

    I just don’t know what to do any more. Im just in tears over all this B.S. just want to be happy and i don’t feel like it is going to happen right now.

  • Gail

    December 1, 2014

    Denise,
    Just try to get to the bottom of whatever is bothering her.Let her know u r not a mind reader and she must confide in u if u all r to fix the problem.
    It’s polygamy there are bound to be fights and arguments at times u 3 have to learn how to have talks to express how u all feel so u can work on your emotional and financial issues as a family.Just explain to her u 3 are in this together for better or worse and u three get a family plan going if u don;t have one yet to get your self on a the road to emotional and financial success.
    What I mean is get a plan to get more money in the house and think of ways to save so u can buy home if u don’t have one and each one of u play your part in helping the family come up.I don’t know if u like this idea but this is how I think .

  • Gail

    December 1, 2014

    Denise,
    Listen I think it is time for a heart to heart with your cowife to be frank.If somehow u can invite her out for breakfast or lunch and tell her that she is dead wrong and let her know straight that if u wanted her gone she would have been have gone already or u would have been gone already.I am sure part of her knows this but like any polygamous marriage there are always those underlying undertones where both woman feel kinda like cat ready to pounce if u know what I mean.
    Do not take what she said personally this time.U must try for awhile with her and try to talk with her and make her understand u 3 r a team.Ask her if u need time with hubby then ask to pick a time with him if she needs it.
    I don’t have any idea what u need hubby for but she might have lashed out at u because she got her feelings hurt that u did not invite her along with whatever u wanted to do.Some people get their feelings hurt but instead of crying they lash out.I don’t know her or your personality enough to say anything for certain but I do know u must take her aside and eating a meal seems to be a nice casual way.
    U also need to ask her straight up if she is dealing ok with Polygamy because she may not be.Make certain she is not holding out hope your husbands divorces u and marries her understand.
    Denise u being the older I think it is up to u to guide her otherwise she will go south very easy I think from the way u r talking.
    U for sure are trying since u bought her the gift and roses she was just lashing out and yeah it could be hormones u know those pregnancy hormones but I am pretty sure her nerves are on edge and something is bothering her.
    I would encourage her that u do love her and are committed to the family unit understand.
    As far as this episode I think it is a positive thing it happened because now u have an excuse to have a heart to heart with her understand.Hope this helps and don’t take personal u have to grow a tough skin for awhile.
    If after some time u feel she is getting worse not better then u can think of another strategy but for now hang tough for awhile.

  • Marie

    December 1, 2014

    Hello Denise.

    My advice is to ask her what exactly you’ve done to make her feel that way, and in what why have you displayed selfishness. usually when one person accuses another of displaying a certain behaviour, it is them who has the problem.

    More than likely she won’t have any evidence that you are a “selfish bit#h” and that you don’t want her there. Then you will know it’s all in her head.

    You could put her down to
    1. Hormones
    2. Her believing that now she is pregnant that she is in disposable, and your husband would never leave her now, giving her the opportunity to say and do all the things she hasn’t in the past year.

    You said that she believes you have only been kind to her to please your husband. You said you have done no such thing. This tell me that it is probably her who shows you kindness to look like the nicer wife, in your husbands eyes. However you have been with your husband for a lot longer and he knows you better. He knows how kind, generous and loving you are. So I’d just leave that alone and if your husband is a cleaver man then he’ll see that what she said is rubbish.

    Other than that I’d say that I’m sorry she feels that way, and to remember that polygamy is something you and your husband decided on, not just your husband. She’s probably resentful that she isn’t married to your husband yet.

  • Denise

    December 1, 2014

    So something came up yesterday and don’t know what to do about it.
    I went to both hubby and co wife and told them that i was feeling set aside with me need and hubby was understanding but when i told co wife she was very vocal that i had no right to feel that way becasue she thinks that in the next week that i will get over 24 hrs with him where she is only going to get 3. All i was looking from her was some understanding. but that is not what i got i got told that i dont give a dame about her and just want to see her gone and that in the year that we have all been together i have not done a thing for her to make her feel like i want her here where she had done things for me. I have done things for her but just not as much as she has done for me. Im working on making sure that she feels that i love her and want here to be happy. I had to go to the Dr last week and on the way home i asked hubby to stop at store because i wanted to get her something to say i love you and was thinking about her. I got her 6 roses and a bear and dropped ot off to her on our way home and she loved it but last night she accused me of doing it for hubby more then her, he had nothing to do with it. I wanted her to know that i was thinking about her and felt that she needed a pick me up.

    I have not said much to her today becasue not sure what to say. She has called me a selfish bitch and that i don’t want her here. What should i do?

  • GAil

    November 30, 2014

    Denise,
    One more thing I would like to mention.U accepted this situation with your own free will so my advice is this stop comparing yourself and your affections toward cowife.She just might be more lovey dovey towards him and that is AAAAA ok understand.It is also equally ok that maybe u r a better cook than her and that is AAAAA ok understand? It all equals out in the end and u must stop focusing on what she is doing and concentrate on how to make the family unit more stronger financially and the home life understand?This is how it works understand.If I were u I would sit both of them down and tell them hey u have this idea to make the family stronger understand and run all your ideas by them what u would think to make the family stronger.Work as a team or u will get burned out fast is my advice.

  • GAil

    November 30, 2014

    Denise,
    I am a firm believer in trying to see the world through a positive perspective.
    I honestly believe as far as Polygamy goes our culture as a whole has such a negative perspective of Polygamy simply because it has been depicted in a very negative light.. example the mormon faith and underage marriage of girls to old men etc.. I am certain u understand.
    When my husband finally fessed up to me about his first wife and I figured out he used me for immigration(he denies it to this day 90% of the time but a couple of times he has admitted it and I know it to be the honest truth) Instead of saying Hey he used me for immigration which ok fine it started out that way but after he got immigration and USA citizenship he could have divorced me and he chose not to.Even he stood up and flat told he would never divorce me to his first wife and her family.Visualize this picture hubby is telling first wife and her family(who know me personally and first wife is second cousin to my biological child and her brother and sisters and her own mother is great aunt to my biological child) to be screaming at him to divorce me then on the other side he has me screaming I am going to divorce him so keep the witch and her family I am DONE.This was our life for 2 years and it was horrible.
    Like Ana says we plot and we plan but G.D is in charge and what ended up happening hubby got rid of her accepted his sister would be divorced from his first wife’s brother and him and I by some miracle has worked pretty much worked out r relationship.The tables reversed and I ended up trying everything in my power to get hubby to take her back which till this very day he has refused me.
    My lesson learned through all of this is that I should have been more of a peace maker because deep down I really wanted the polygamous marriage to work although at the time my anger and jealousy issues got in the way of me making good sound judgments.
    I want to also stress to u I could no think of my Polygamous marriage as his 2 separate marriages like the muslim woman on the blog.I to this day thought of us as the 3 amigos from day one and the marriage as only one polygamous marriage.I loved and still do love my cowife she and I shared our husband together and it formed a bond.I am sure u understand where I am coming from.
    Denise here is where I screwed up.I didn’t stop and think that hey we r living together joint family and I accepted this just as much as my husband did so that means I am really married to 2 people now and not just one.
    Looking back I seen my cowife made the same mistake as I did by not stopping to think hey I am really married to 2 people now and not just one.
    What I mean by that is that u have to get both peoples approval before u up and make important decisions and even small ones like whats for dinner.
    Sadly there is no class on Polygamy that teaches these fundamental concepts to join the cowives together to make a strong Polygamous marriage so all of us r just winging it unfortunately.
    If I could tell stress one thing to u about Polygamy and giving it a good fair shot when u r living with your cowife in a joint family system(cowives living in one home) is really focus on being one family and not two separate.Think of yourself as the 3 amigos and all the children under the marriage are your children because after all they really are to be honest.Your children and your cowife children are blood and u r tied to your cowife by blood just as much as your husband is make no mistake about it.The child she is carrying binds u by blood so please respect that choice u have made to stay in the marriage and see the cup half full instead of half empty and I really believe G.D will bless u for it through your children.I hope this helps.

  • Denise

    November 29, 2014

    Gail
    that is so funny that is what my husband says all the time
    “the cup being half full”
    So much of what you all have said are things that he has told me too. I think just hearing it from someone that dose not know us makes it all clearer because it is coming from people that understand me and just just trying to make me feel better.

    Thank you

  • Gail

    November 29, 2014

    Denise,
    I agree with Ana just be u and do your thang and let her do hers.Don’t compete ok because this is not a competition between u and her.This is both your lives and u r so lucky to be having a baby.Just focus on the cup being half full is my advice.

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2014

    Denise,

    It’s nice to have you back. The blog is primarily about polygamy, so you’re in the right place. We’ll try to help you out as best we can. Just talking seems to always help everyone to some degree or another.

    You need to remember that she has her own personality, her own style and her own way of doing things. You and she are two entirely very different people. It may be easy for her to go up to him and give him a hug, where you may be a more reserved person. You may not be as affectionate as she is or you reserve your affection for when it’s just you and him. It’s all good. One way is no better than the other. We were not all created the same. It’s crazy for us to try to be like someone else, other than to have good qualities. Everyone should want to have good qualities.

    There is no need for you to compare yourself to her. Your husband loves you for you. There was something about you that he liked very much for him to marry you. He probably can’t imagine life without you. He probably loves her for some reason that only he knows. It doesn’t take anything from you or her.

    If he begins to treat you badly or you notice a lack of affection from him altogether, then maybe you’d have something to concern yourself about. Don’t create problems that aren’t there. Don’t nagged him. Don’t become a pain in his buttocks LOL Just be you – the you, you’ve always been, but better Your relationship with him is yours and his. Her relationship with him is hers and his. Let them be different.

  • Denise

    November 29, 2014

    Sorry lady that I have not been on but with work and the holdays I have not had much time. I am not Muslim or any other faith. What I have got from all of you this far it has helped a lot. There are just so many things that go throw my mind at times you would think that after a yr of this that I would be able to flush all the bad abd keep the good. I feel right now that any advice right now i can use in my own way as long as you lady are welling to give it to me. Im looking fwd to getting to know you all more and all the help that you can give me.

    All that you lady have said has spoken to me one way or the other. Like how he is having more fun with her when they are out then when him and I are out doing something. But I do that he loves me and would make sure that he will make sure that him and I have fun too.

    Just like when she walks into the room and he is playing a game or working on his computer she goes up to him and gives him a hug and kiss i feel like he is getting more from him then he gives to me but i can for get that I can do the same thing so why am I feeling bad because she is doing it?

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2014

    Denise,

    Marie and Ummof4 asked you what faith you are. You’re not compelled to answer. The only reason anyone ask is because as ummof4 said, it determines what advice you will get. It wouldn’t make sense for someone to speak to you about the whispers of Satan, if you are not Muslim. You must know that people of different faiths have different beliefs. A Muslim, for instance, would tell you not to listen to Satans whispers that your sister-wife is having more fun out there with your husband than you have with him when the two of you go out. You, most likely wouldn’t comprehend what was said.

    It would be nice for non-Muslims to input to you, but not many have come forward. What you’re having trouble with in your relationship are your emotions, which are causing you to feel pain. No one can help you with the jealousy or envy that you feel except you. You have to find a way to cope with those feeling and be rid of them. I could only tell you how to do it from an Islamic perspective and then, it doesn’t happen over night. Faith doesn’t enter anyone’s heart over night.

    There is no magical formula to make what you feel go away. Some people go through years and years of psychotherapy and are not cured. You ask us to help you, but I don’t think I can. I’m sure many of us have had the same feelings you have. We as Muslims know to turn to Allah for Him to heal us, remove the pain and give us comfort and ease. If you don’t believe in God, as many people don’t, then saying such a thing to you will only turn you off. It will go in one ear and out the other.

    I’m glad you’re here with us and we will try to help you as best we can, but we have limitations. Gail, who is non-Muslim, but married to a Muslim and is inclined towards Judaism may be able to share with you what she does or has done in a situation such as what you’ve found yourself in. Gail has been with our blog family here for a quite a long time, and has been very helpful to us.

  • Denise

    November 25, 2014

    Here is another question for the ladys, Have any of you felt that when husband and sister wife got out that you feel sick bacause you think that they are having a lot more fun then you get when you and husband go out? That is the way that i feel today. Today makers they 1 year Anniversary and I know that they need to do something toghther for it and I have to work. I just feel bad because of the feelings that Im having and it is not far to them when she has been able to let me have that time with husband. need some help here PLEASE

  • ummof4

    November 24, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Denise, welcome to the blog. I believe you have been asked about what faith you practice. This will determine the help and answers you get from us. Most of us, but not all of us are Muslims. However, non-Muslims are welcome since the primary topic is polygyny. Different faiths practice polygyny in different ways.

    Everyone have a nice day/evening/morning and remember Allah often.

  • Denise

    November 24, 2014

    All of you haved helped out a lot in just the last 24hrs and I will keep asking for help as I feel I need it. It has just been a lot to take in.

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2014

    Denise,

    How you feel amounts to fear of the unknown. You said you don’t know whether he will treat her better than you or try to accommodate her more, as this will be her first child. You soon shall come to know what it will be, being that you all live together. As it stands, you’re needlessly worrying yourself. Wait and see what it turns out to be and deal with it then. Try not to let your mind dwell on it, as it will do nothing, but cause you pain; it’s a guarantee.

    You have to find a way to get your emotions (jealousy and envy) in check. You don’t seem to have a problem knowing she sleeps with your husband. She was bound to become pregnant as a result of it, if she wasn’t taking precautions. As Marie stated, she is probably dealing with a lot of mixed emotions, as well. The two of you should probably sit down and let each other know exactly what you are feeling and what your fears are.

    As Gail said, she has dealt with some of what you’re going through. If you have any questions, ask Gail, as she may know the answer from experience.

  • Gail

    November 24, 2014

    Denise,
    One more thing I did not mention on the flip side which this is very awesome.I assume u were there with her when the baby was conceived this is beautiful in the fact that u share this with her and the child.The child is as much yours as it is hers if u all wish it to be.
    Again in the flip side I accepted my husband and cowife children but she never accepted mine go figure.So it will be something u will need to discuss with your cowife an hubby together how u will approach the raising of the child.Will he both be called mother or will u be called aunt.My children call me mom and my excowife which is 2 of my children birthmom they call her by her name then mom example Denise mom.Hope this helps and feel free to ask questions.

  • Gail

    November 24, 2014

    Denise,
    First of all I want to assure u that u r in the right place as far as this blog goes.
    Listen to me very clearly ok U r not alone and I on a very personal level understand where u r coming from as far as u 3 sleeping together in the same bed and her getting pregnant. I have never spoken of this on the blog before as when I did speak openly and honestly about my polygamy situation it did not go over to well to be frank.
    In saying that I feel like I should try to reach out to u about your situation.
    First of all I want the record to stand I am not Muslim so my thinking is a little different here than the Muslim Gals on the blog.
    Everyone hold their ears I totally understand 100% where u r coming from about your marriage bed situation and how it works for some and not others.I felt the exact same way u did and I did the exact same thing u did.I felt I had to do it at the time for my mental health and to accept polygamy.I to this day stand beside that choice I made simply because I would have 100% had divorced my husband had he tried to go off with my his 1st wife without me alone.Bottom line I did not trust him not even 1% that time.My husband lied to me when we married and used me to immigrate to USA to be frank and by the time I figured everything out I was a mental train wreck.
    I personally to this day like living joint family system and not having to share a husband.I could never share my husband by dividing up days.I did not marry to live half my life alone now in saying that Living together brings a whole crap load of issues with it like home chores and money issues and raising children with your cowife.I will be honest before I started my Polygamy journey I thought sharing my husband sexually would be the hardest thing I ever had to do but AMAZINGLYYYYY it was not.The hardest thing I had to face with Polygamy beside the lies my husband and excowife told was the raising of the children.
    In my case I have raised my cowife 2 children from basically birth.We live in USA and my excowife lives in Pakistan.The children were so used to listening to me that when we went to Pakistan she tried to tell them what to do and ask them to go to Mosque.WELLL that did not sit well with me at all her trying to dictate to the children and go behind my back with hubby and the inlaws that really pissed me off to be blunt. It burned my blood to the point that I told my husband either let her have her kids or tell her to back off.I also took my excowife aside and told her if she wanted her kids back at that time I was prepared to give them back to her but do not look at me to give her money to raise them because I did not ask money from her when I was raising them.Bottom line she told hubby and I to take kids back to USA with us because she did not have money to raise them.Now before u think she was being nice it had nothing to do with that she got pissed off because I told her straight on her face without saying it “Don’t think u r going to use your kids to get money out of me to give to your family”She got the point loud and clear.At first she tried to say I had to pay and I flat shut her up and said why I have to pay I did not birth them U DID.Then she figured out she was barking up the wrong tree with me.
    Long story short my husband decides to get rid of her and we come back to USA with her kids and my biological son with hubby and about 6 months go by and she starts msg us telling us she wants her kids back.I told her if she is willing we will all try again as a family unit and she said oh yeah she would love that etc… then I told her straight we will support her in Pakistan but we r not going to support her family.The moment I said that she totally turned on me and said she doubt her parents will go for it and she had to get off the computer.I knew that in that moment she was up to know good.long story short her parents game to my inlaws home demanded my husband divorce me.My husband said no and that was the end of the story.She contacted me back in August but it always goes negative when we talk because she just could never deal with Polygamy.She wanted me out of the picture before day one.
    Soo anyway don’t beat yourself up about anything.Just take it one day at a time and keep working on things as much as u can.
    One more thing My husband and decided no more children.We go back to Pakistan and lets just say my husband did not take precautions and I said what r u doing what if she gets pregnant.That SOB said he did not care.WELLLLLL I said OHHHH well I am telling u STRAIGHT THE HELL UP RIGHT HERE looking at both of them if u think u r going to F..k and pop up pregnant and u r going to birth that kid and hand it off to me U HAVE ANOTHER THING COMING! I then looked at my husband and said She will raise the baby in Pakistan right along with her other 2 that I will give back and I would like to see u explain to Immigration how after u r divorced from her and married to me u got her pregnant and would like to apply for another babies immigration.I told him and her go ahead and screw like rabbits without precaution but don’t u dare be looking at me to bail your asses out.I did that twice and I will not be doing it again.Needless to say come the next day she went for birthcontrol pills.
    I don’t know your situation but I am 43 and I have zero desire to raise more kids. I am sure people will say I have no right to tell them what to do but I disagree because I am raising their children so I feel it gives me every right.
    I will say this had she stayed with us and wanted a baby and wanted us to live together in Pakistan or USA I would have been perfectly fine for her to have another baby have 10 I don’t care as long as she would take care of them.I want a life of my own and at age 50 I plan on having that dream.
    Needless to say

  • Marie

    November 24, 2014

    Hello Denise,

    Welcome to our Internet home. I was going to say that your sister wife falling pregnant may be upsetting you as it makes the fact that she has sex with your husband a reality, but as you 3 sleep in the same bed I’m sure it’s as real as it’s going to get. So I’m inclined to say that your feelings stem from the fact that it was only you who had given birth to your husbands children. I think it could be areal blessing for you as you get all the best bits of a child (first smile,word,walking) and none of the the gross bits ( giving birth,dirty nappies ect) your sister wife may be feeling a way as well as this is not your husbands first baby and some women can feel upset by that. That it may not be that exciting for him. She could probably do with a lot of support from you.
    Just a question for my own curiosity. Are you Mormon? Muslim? Or….

  • Denise

    November 24, 2014

    money being one and the timeing of things. we just moved from Idaho to Oregon and have been living in a tent in my aunts back yard. so just not able to and also everyone being ok with it all, manly me. That is another story.

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2014

    Denise,

    I removed the last name from your first post.

    You and Gail were writing at the same time. It is funny when that happens.

    I intend 2 write more later when I am not on my cell. Typing on my cell works my nerves.

    Denise, don’t cry. Everything will work out. Is there a reason he hasn’t married her that you know of?

  • Denise

    November 24, 2014

    Hi Gail
    Thanks for the words of suport
    Yes my co-wife and I are friendly I feel that she is my best friend.

    The 5 of us live together and the 3 of us sleep in the same bed. This relatinship is only a year old. I know that some people would not understand us but this is how we felt that was the best way to do it. Her and I both get your own time with husband and do a lot as a group.

    They are not married that is something that has been talked about for when we was in her 20’s and I know that most don’t do it this way.

  • Gail

    November 23, 2014

    Denise,
    Congrats on the new baby that is coming in your family.
    I can totally understand why it would run u the wrong way because it is her first child with your husband so obviously it is going to feel strange and weird and your emotions will be all over the place.
    Do u have anything to do with your cowife? Are u friendly with each other?
    Don’t stress out about your emotions just kinda go with the flow and work through it not a big deal.
    Now that they r married I would advice u to not compare ages between your son and your cowife no good will come from it in my opinion.WHat is done is done so just try to go with the flow if u can is my advice.

  • Denise

    November 23, 2014

    Im trying to look for the Posative in it but there are so many things that are going through my mind that I know should not be there and I just need help with them. I know that this is adding to the family but i just also feel it is taking away from me. Like he is going to spend so much more time makeing sure that she is doing alright and that her needs are going to be meat.

    I also know that I will be able to help her with so much with having 3 kids of my own. So i know that I will be part of this JOY that is going in to you lives . I just want to find some help..

  • anabellah

    November 23, 2014

    Hello Denise, Welcome!

    You’d probably feel the same way even if your sister wife was the same age as you, and your husband fathered her child. It may add a little salt to the womb that your sister wife is younger, evidenced by your son who is her age.

    One feels special when she has something another doesn’t have. Now your sister wife will have a child the same as you do. It takes away your edge.

    You have to learn to think differently. If she’s a “sister wife”, you need to want for your sister what you want for yourself. You have a child with your husband. She should have a child with her/your husband, as well, God willing. Yes? You’re family. I know I’m speaking idealistically, but maybe it’s what we need to do. Positive, good thought can produce a change. Our thoughts are important.

    Perhaps, some of the ladies here who have children may be able to share what they know that may be helpful to you, God willing.

  • Denise

    November 23, 2014

    I just found out that my sister wife has a positive pregnancy test. There is a large age gap between her and our husband.. 20 years.. She is the same age as one of my boys so there are some mixed feelings here about it. I need some help understanding why i feel this way..

  • Gail

    November 18, 2014

    Ana,
    I had thought to move back to Pakistan but I have decided against it and am focusing on buying a home here and real estate business.

  • Gail

    November 18, 2014

    Ana,Yeah sorry I missed that post.My brother inlaw did marry 3 weeks back and we decided not to go to Pakistan because I had received that time my abnormal Mammogram report.My brother inlaw married into the younger sisters family.His wife is from Canada so he in now in process to move with her to Canada she is from Toronto and we are toying with the idea of maybe moving to Buffalo area.I don’t think I have mentioned it until now but My husband has started HVACR training for his Heating and Air Certification.I have been reading to him and helping to understand and strangely I have decided to go ahead and get certified myself.We will have are own business.We are ready to focus on another business and we decided on Heating and Air.
    In all honesty my excowife has not reached out to me since August and I have decided to just leave the entire thing alone because my inlaws have now decided to file for my husbands sister divorced from excowife brother.She may try to reach out to me as soon as the divorce is filed but I really have just lost interest since my husband has zero interest in her.
    My husband has let me know that he never agreed with Polygamy it was just something he found himself in and did not know how to handle it.At first I did not really believe him and thought he was just saying all that to save face but as time has gone by and he still refuses to contact her i now see he is serious and I think I will just leave it alone.
    When I was going through my cancer scare I flat told him If it comes back breast cancer I demand we find him another wife or take excowife back.He told me NO he is not taking her back and if it came back cancer then it just comes back cancer he has decided he will not remarry.Needless to say I was angry with him told him he was selfish and he was stressing me out for no good reason and he needed to think about the kids etc…I am so thankful everything turned out ok.

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2014

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You’re too funny, too, talking about an “old head”. I know the expression. It’s one of those days for me. Let me compose myself sigh

    I’m happy you’re here. You keep us grounded and we could learn much from you, as you have a wealth of knowledge about monogamy and polygamy. The ladies with children could especially use your expertise.

  • ummof4

    November 17, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Lina, welcome to the group. I think I’m the old head here. My 40 year marriage to my wonderful husband (and I mean that, I’m not being sarcastic) has been monogamous, polygynous, monogamous, polygynous, monogamous, and polygynous again. The longest time we were in a polygynous marriage was 14 years (that’s also the longest time that our marriage was monogamous)and that was when my children were growing up, so they were reared in a polygynous marriage. And guess what? They turned out okay!

    Everyone enjoy your health, your life and try to do the acts that may earn us Jannah in the next life.

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2014

    Gail,

    When is your brother-in-law getting married or is it your sister-in-law? Will you attend the wedding? Last you mentioned, you stated you may be going there to stay for a few months while your husband comes back home and tend to the business, if I remember correctly. Do you intend to reach out to the ex-co so she could visit with the children when you are there?

  • Gail

    November 17, 2014

    Lina,
    Welcome to the group happy to have u with us.It is so nice to feel there are others out there going through the exact thing u are and u r not alone.I hope u joining the group will help u through your hard time.

  • Fiction

    November 17, 2014

    @ Allison

    Thank you so much for taking the time out to reply…
    Just one thing so when you gave birth and found out, he moved out, married her and stayed with her for six months completely.And you taking care of your child alone or he used to come to visit and meet you and all.. so since January He came back to your house and is on schedule? Also what point he wanted to prove, He initiated reconciliation or you?

    Don’t know why I am so curious about anything and everything, sorry for asking though…

  • alison

    November 17, 2014

    Hey Anna yeah true that we are indeed babies.

    Its a tough journey but alhamdulila am amazed at myself and I could not have done without you guys. Met you all at the right time and it speeded up my process. Alhamdulila today am at a place where i am least bothered with stuff that in the recent past would just blow apart.. That does not mean shaitan is not trying he is but am better equipped alhamdulila to kick him up

    You guys taught me not to loose focus and that my happiness doesnt lie with him but with Allah πŸ™‚

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2014

    Musa mohammed, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    As the other ladies suggested, there are a number of things that you could do. As Gail stated, you could try to bring all the wives together for a sit down and hash it out. I don’t know how well that would go over with three unhappy women on the same set with emotions looming out of control. You may take a beaten with that one

    You could do as ummof4 stated. Determine who the trouble makers are and chastise them. Allah, in the Quran, tells men how to deal with wives when problems arise and he needs to take action. I assumed you admonished them all. If not, you should. If it doesn’t work, refuse to share her bed. It’s bound to work. Women don’t like rejection. Give her some time off to think about what’s happening and that you may very well leave.

    I could imagine how you feel though, when you have three wives and can find NO peace with any of them. We are meant to live with our spouses in peace and tranquility. The only way it could happen is if the people have their act (Islam) together. The one who has him or herself right with Allah can become at peace.

    Sometimes wives want the husband to be upset and unhappy, so that he would divorce some of the wives or divorce all except one and become monogamous. A wife who is close to Allah will want her husband to be in a state of peace. She would want good for her husband. A wife has to work on herself to get to that place in her life where she wants to grow nearer to Allah and wants Allah to love her.

    It’s important for you to exercise patience, Musa mohammed. If you do your part in worshiping Allah. If you are kind to your wives and deal justly with them to the best of your ability, Allah will remedy the situation for you, even if it means that He take a wife, two or three away, and replace them with better wives for you. Don’t despair!

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All! It’s morning where I am on the planet. πŸ™‚ Good day or good night to everyone.

    When in a polygamous marriage, never feel alone. There are many others out there in cyberspace living the life the same as you. You are not alone.

    @Lina,

    Wow, you and alison are newbies to polygamy – just one year. You two are babies πŸ™‚ You both seemed to be doing very good considering all is new for the two of you.

    I’m so happy to hear the blog has been helpful to you. Allah u Akbar!!! What a wonderful gift Allah has given us all.

    It’s normal not to understand your own feelings at times. The beauty of being in a polygamous marriage is that it helps women to get in touch with what they feel. Instead of simply dismissing what we feel, we now need to acknowledge what we feel and deal with the feelings constructively or not. If we don’t, our emotions will rule us and we will be a hot mess. We won’t know which way is up. We’ll experience a lot of pain and agony, which is something we certainly don’t want any more of.

    I think it’s normal for people to want to leave the relationship. What’s the saying, “When the going gets tough, the tough gets going ” It’s common to want to run away from it all. We think our lives would be so much easier, if we leave. It’s not as simple as it. If it’s our test from Allah, we may not be able to leave it. We’re forced to stay in it and pass it or fail it. If we pass (along with fulfilling all our duties to Allah) we gain peace and contentment, comfort and ease. If we fail it, we endure pain and agony. It will be a part of what determines are lot in the Hereafter, as well.

    What you said is very important. We are not alone. There are way more people than we realize who are out there going through what every woman does when in a polygamous marriage. The difference is that we have this blog wherein there are probably many who have no one to turn to and no where to go. We have a lot to thank Allah for. Alhumdulliah!

  • Lina

    November 17, 2014

    Assalamu`alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

    Dear Ana,

    Thank you very much for creating this blog. It’s very useful to me. I’m new in polygamous (turning a year).

    It is very lonely sometimes being in polygamy marriage as nobody seems can understand us (even me, myself sometimes [most of the times] do not know about my own feelings). πŸ™

    There are times when I feel like leaving everything and everyone. Of course, I should only turn to Allah for peace and happiness.

    Before my husband remarry his ex-wife, I equipped myself with books, articles, blogs, and anything on polygamy. Alhamdulillah, I found your blog and it really helps me a lot. πŸ™‚

    Thank you very much Ana. I can now relate with you and others about my feelings. I now can understand that it’s common / natural to have certain feelings with my husband or my co-wife. And, I don’t feel alone anymore. πŸ™‚

    I keep on searching for more information or knowledge in this marriage as I know it is not easy to share someone that you love. But, as you always mentioned, we are here to please Allah and not our husbands.

    Please keep on writing and sharing Ana. May Allah s.w.t. bless your effort and kind deeds. May all wives who join this blog be given barakoh and granted Jannah. πŸ™‚

  • alison

    November 16, 2014

    hey fiction am not offended well am not long in poygamy atleast a year now…my story is weird had a happy marriage no major issues for 3years been working and am a strong woman by character..was preg and noticed hubby aloof and all he didnt undertand hormonrs and how we can get he thought i hted him etc and what did he do he started seeing another woman friendship turned in to something else…he kept pjshing me away and when i gave birth and found out..hit the roof and moved out in his anger married her to prove a point stayed out for about 6 months and we both got to out senses and back was not easy he tries but looksstreesed but his choice i guess……we settled in and all now and am happy but have those days which i wish she wasnr there

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2014

    Musa mohammed, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    No problem with the typo. I wrote a post that I think should be helpful to us all. It’s https://polygamy411.com/husbands-can-good-polygamous-marriages/ Alhumdulliah!

  • Fiction

    November 16, 2014

    Hello Everyone!

    Dear Allison,

    I am sorry if you have already but can you share with us how long have you been married and how many years into polygamy? somewhere you said your husband is very loving & caring so what were his reasons to remarry?

    Also was it that He informed you, found the girl and remarried or was it that he met someone, liked and so embraced polygamy?

    Ofcourse do share with us only if it doesn’t offends you and you are comfortable..

    Lots of love

  • ummof4

    November 16, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Brother Musa, did you know the character of your wives before you married them? Yes, woman will be jealous, but to be evil and nasty to each other and to talk bad about each other is a major character flaw. It also seems as if they are are trying to be the most important wife to you., when they should be concerned about being the most righteous Muslimah who obeys Allah the most.
    You say that you feel lo nely due to all the arguing and fussing and fighting. Can you think of anything that you are doing to keep them fighting? Are you giving each wife what you owe her as your wife? I suggest that you try the meeting that Gail suggested, and if that doesn’t work, do as Prophet Muhammad did and abandon all of them for a little while.
    If you are that miserable, why don’t you divorce the wife or wives that are causing you so much trouble?

    To everyone, Allah did not say that we should be miserable in our marriages. We have a way out if all else fails. Divorce is not haraam, but oppression is haraam.

    This may not go over too well with some of the sisters here, but neither men or women should be forced to or feel that they have to stay married to anyone who is constantly making their life miserable. Husbands and wives are supposed to live in peace, not a state of war.

    Musa, take charge of your marriage(s) and seek the peace you all deserve. Remember, the first step is to see if there is anything that you are doing(or have done) that makes your wives more jealous and not able to like each other.

    Everyone have a successful week and remember Allah often.

  • Gail

    November 16, 2014

    Musa Muhammed,
    I failed to mention my husband is from Pakistan and I was the second wife before he divorced his first wife and now I am his only wife.Both my excowife and myself have children by my husband and because he could not be a leader of the family our family unit failed to the point he left excowife.I blame my husband and feel 100% it is his fault for not being a good leader of our family unit.

  • Gail

    November 16, 2014

    Musa Mohammed,
    I have an idea that might help u but not sure if u would want to try to do this.
    I have no idea if all your wives live with u or in separate housing but u but something that could help is u having lunches or dinners together with all your wives as much as possible daily if possible and if not then do lunches or whenever u can but the point is to let your wives know u are all a family 1 family unit not separate.If somehow u can get that momentum going about being a one family unit instead of separate then it would help I think.
    Also lets say 2 of your wives are not getting along and have an issue then they must bring it up at the meal.Make the meal a time to talk and discuss family politics and make it a rule that everyone must try there level best to get along and treat each other with respect.
    You are the head of the house u must get hold on your home and be a leader and make everyone understand the importance of working together as one family unit even if they do live separate understand.I think this is more your problem than your wives to be honest and u must learn to be a leader because after u r the one that picked this lifestyle.Try your best to get everyone on the same page and being respectful with each other.If u can do this then I think your family unit will be so much better.Hope this helps.\
    I want to also tell u that if u notice one or two wives giving u hell over this keep silent and watch your wives attitudes and figure out which wife is causing the most problem it may take awhile or u may already know but don’t assume anything just watch and see u will have a better understanding after watching whats really going on and when u figure.Bottom line don’t put up with any nonsense.Get your house in order before it falls completely apart.

  • anabellah

    November 16, 2014

    Musa mohammed, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I thank Allah swt much that He gave us this blog and He inspired me to write about what I have learned over the years. Insha Allah, I’ll write something on the issues you mentioned, based on my limited knowledge.

    It’s nice you are here. As you can see by the couple of posts to you, you help us to see polygamy from a male perspective, which is good.

    Ummlana and alison, As Salaamu Alaikum.

    I thank you both much for replying to brother Musa mohammed

  • alison

    November 16, 2014

    salam all thanks will never be enough on how this blog is helpful…may Allah bless all the bloggers here @musa welcome and thanks for a different perspective. always thought the men have it easy and have all the fun….i always think my hubby is having and eating his cake and having a time of his lifetime..if you dont mind could you give us what men undergo..thanks

  • ummlana

    November 16, 2014

    Assalam Alaikum ..
    @ Anabella.. I’m grateful for this blog. Had I found it before I’m 100% sure I would of handled things differently and been open minded to polygamous marriages. Khair, Allah is the best of planners.
    @ Musa
    I was on a journey to become a 4th and join a polygamous family. From my view I found that tough, millions of questions raced through my head .would I be loved, how would things be, how can I share someone. The jealousy boiling up (no matter how hard I tried to tame it) etc.The other wives didn’t know of me but when they did all hell broke lose. I, had a pure intention. I wasn’t getting married to replace any of the wives nor to hurt them in anyway, even hoped we could get along, yet here they were hurling abusive comments, threats etc even though the husband informed them he will marry soon. As wounded as I was I took a step back and looked at things from their view. Just like I had millions of questions running through my head, they too had painful questions. And so I’ve learnt its never easy accepting your husband to become polygamous, or even add wives to the family if already polygamous. Are some wives able to look past it.. i dont know.Correct me if I’m wrong but it might feel like putting salt over the wound or opening the wound all over again. Questioning ones love etc.. No matter your intentions I believe communication is vital. Talk to each one of your wives and open up, tell them how you feel andLet them know you love them all. Try amd understand things from their side amd clear any misunderstanding.Remind them that your striving for jannah and how each day should be one step closer to your goal. You should note that this life as well as polygamous marriages will not be a piece of cake. We will be tested like those before us and thus is the reality of life. Lastly Never give up and make dua continuously…

  • Musa mohammed

    November 16, 2014

    Typo on slim I meant to say them the computer did it I didn’t see it

  • Musa mohammed

    November 16, 2014

    Asa Sister Ana I’m glad you have this platform it helps me foreal your topics and research are always on the money. I told 1 of my wives polygamy can very hard because I’m young sometimes I feel alone and can’t talk to the wives as a group because the jealousy of the first wife and feel like giving up totally. But she said she understand this the 3 wife. I don’t like the number game so I say S . I want you to write on how to handle to loneliness of the husband who is doing for the sake of they slim sisters to have a good husband to help staton their Deen. And still suffer loneliness in the process or beaten down by it because the bitterness of 1 or 2 wives making that way for him to quit it altogether. Shokron Ana

  • anabellah

    November 15, 2014

    Mari2,

    Thank you sooooo much for being a part of our blog family and for sharing so much about yourself with us and all the advice you’ve rendered to us, as well. Thank you for your kind words about the blog and the wonderful work we all are doing here. It means much to me. I can’t stress enough that it wouldn’t be what it is without courageous, insightful writers like you.

    @Everyone,

    My love and thanks go out to each and everyone of you in cyberspace who have joined us here as readers and writers. Much love!

  • Mari2

    November 15, 2014

    @Anabellah,

    Thank you for creating a blog that allows women from all areas of the world and many different forms of polygamy to come together and discuss our thoughts, vent our frustrations, and receive advice as well as admonition from other brothers and sisters. This forum is a venue in which I can learn about polygamy, Islam, and culture. It’s definitely a safe place in which I can vent and learn as well. It’s also a place where I’ve not only learned more about Islam, but learned about cultures as well. Mashallah, you are doing a good thing for those of us who otherwise would not easily find an understanding ear. Thank you.