Polygamy and Why Men Badmouth Their Wives

polygamy and why men badmouth their wivesIt’s important to discuss polygamy and why men badmouth their wives. Many of the men do it when they speak to the women whom they want to make their second, third, or fourth wife. They sadly speak badly of the first ones.

Before we talk about how they do it, we all need to know that all married couples have issues. They’ve all got problems. Some of them are big and some are small. It’s normal. Furthermore, it’s what a woman who thinks about marrying a man who is already married needs to understand. No one gets married and lives happily ever after.

The first thing that a man usually does is tell the potential wife about his current wife. In doing so, he specifically outlines to her what some of the issues are that he and his wife have. I’m sure some of what he said was true. Some he made up and some he exaggerated as the truth. Although, their problems are not the newcomer’s business.

Polygamy and why men badmouth their wives is about winning a new wife

I see most men do the same when they want more wives and want to convince women to marry them. They paint their wives as horrific, terrible, and bad persons. The man tries to make the newcomer think that she is super special and has come to save the day. He wants her to think that she will make him happy. He thinks she will, as well.

The man makes it seem that he has to get away from his wife. In a sense, he suggests that he needs an outlet. The potential wife is that vehicle. As a result, she then begins to fulfill the role in thinking she is better than the wife. She acts the part of the superior one.

If she marries the man, she usually gets a quick wake up call. It comes when she finds out that he loves his wife. She learns he has no intention of divorcing the first. Despite all the problems that he and his wife have, he doesn’t want to divorce her.

Additionally, about polygamy and why men badmouth their wives, it’s because the men don’t understand life

The men simply wanted more wives. They desired more and leaned toward having more. They then sought them out. It’s something that they don’t admit to themselves. Instead, they make excuses for why they want extra wives and belittle their first wives in the course of it. The husbands don’t see what is real.

It does the man, his first wife, and the woman whom he wants to marry no good when he speaks of his wife in a negative light. He should keep their business between the two of them.

In conclusion to polygamy and why men badmouth their wives, the man should try to have a relationship with each wife based on its own worth. He needs to see the truth. He needs to give the truth to his future wife, as well.

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22 Comments

  • Mari2

    October 31, 2016

    Gail,

    As far as noose tightening goes, I have been with M long enough to know just how tight I can pull the noose, and when he needs some slack.  Hes learned the same about me.  Shes already made the mistake of pulling the noose too tight with her constant cajoling and demands of him.  Its gotten to the point that he ignores her calls many times and often refuses to answer her texts.  And when she sends him a 15 message litany against him because hes not paying attention to her, he puts her on ignore and just responds “Salam.”  When she has her mother text him and reprimand M for whatever, he refuses to be baited and goes into his silent mode which I know is his way of saying STFU.  And all of this behavior from her really isnt rushing him to get her here.

    I am lucky that I have my own place.  And when she arrives, she may drive him crazy.  But since I have no plans to ever meet or communicate with her, I dont forsee her behavior driving me crazy directly.

  • Mari2

    October 31, 2016

    Gail,

    I have a couple of reasons of my own against cousin marriages.  One big problem is when the marriage doesnt work out.  When spouses are cousins, often a divorce causes rifts among the family and people take sides.  This pits family members against other family members.  Plus, as your sister in laws situation demonstrates, one divorce can lead to another via a domino affect of family dischord.  Or a divorce among cousins can lead to younger siblings being tainted and therefore unmarriageable.  Ridiculous.  But it happens.  Cousin marriages may also force two uncompatible people to suffer in marriage to one another rather than divorce and cause a family scandal.

    M’s sister was engaged to a cousin.  Last year she insisted on ending the engagement for a variety of legitimate reasons.  As a result of her breaking the engagement, a portion of M’s cousins, including some who live right next door, refuse to talk to him or his family.  All because sides were taken.  And his sis and cousin werent even married.  So poor M, who grew up close to his cousins next door is no longer spoken to by them just because his sister broke her engagement to some cousin who lives in England.  Crazy.

  • Gail

    October 31, 2016

    Mari2,

     I honestly think u have the best set up now living separate from hubby and MIL.As far as your cowife everything will be made more clear when she comes to USA and tries to tighten that noose around his neck tighter.I really don’t know how it will play out but with her being young i figure she will drive u and your husband crazy for many yrs to come.It will be interesting to see how all this nonsense plays out.Cousin marriages can be great but they can also be a huge hell.

  • Mari2

    October 30, 2016

    Salam Gail and Ana,

    Thank you for your replies.  Gail pretty much hit the nail on the head with regards to the cousin thing. There is nothing Islamic about any of the issues between M and 2 with regard to me.  It is simply that she feels that as his cousin, her spot as wife is the top spot and she, and her family can call the shots as to my disposal, so to speak.

    Though M may disagree, he remains silent to the pressure, because he doesnt want to rock the family boat. He did tell me once that “everyone is telling me to divorce you”.  My response was to let them demand as they choose, for it is them, not me, who will need to answer for their unqualified demands on their day of judgement.  Though I was less than pleased to have him marry his cousin, I did not forbid it. I did not make threats. Nor have I ever suggested he divorce her.  Ive simply chosen to live in my own dwelling as is my right, made my peace with his right to marry another, and I interact with MIL and other family members here as I wish.

    As of late our relationship is good.  I have been helping him with the paperwork and other tasks he needs to complete as he embarks upon his new business INSHALLAH.  And he’s been stellar about leaving his phone in the car while he visits me so that there are no interruptions of what little time we have on the weekends.

    As I said before, I understand that 2 is bitter.  I also realize that as a young, niaeve girl, she, like myself at her age, saw a fairy tale wedding, but was rather blind to the actual work involved in a marriage.  To compound her woes, she married a man who lives in another country.  They spent only 18 days physically together during their 19 months of marriage.  Her Visa process has been slow going for numerous reasons, shes no longer attending school, shes away from her mother and village and living in a place where she cannot leave the home without good reason, AND MIL is back there right now.  So I very well imagine her frustration.  I get it.  However, I am not the one who caused any of it.

    And even if M divorces me, it won’t ever remove the fact that he lied to her in the first place.  Not in the eyes of Allah nor in the back of 2’s mind.  

  • anabellah

    October 30, 2016

    Gail,

    It’s just all so bizarre to me. I just can’t wrap my head around the Pakistani culture and conditions. I’ve gotten a whole lot better though since the time you and Jenny first began talking about it. In the beginning it wasn’t sinking in regardless of how many times you two said it .LOL All I kept thinking is “Islam”. Culture wasn’t registering in my brain at the time. I get it now, but am still having a difficult time accepting that it is what it is.

    How is your little brainiac son doing? Insha Allah the little genius will do wonderful things when he’s older 🙂

  • Gail

    October 29, 2016

    Ana,

     U would think that Mari2 cowife would be angry with her family logically speaking but u would be soooooo wrong.It is the strangest thing but they will stick with their parents and siblings like glue even if they r the ones to cause their pain.Mari2 cowife will think in her mind her husband is at fault for not worshiping her over mari2 and divorcing.They twist everything instead of just doing the decent thing and try to accept Polygamy as best they can or divorce their husbands their own self.The problem stems from cousin marriages and cousin marriages getting first priority the majority of the time because those marriages must be honored or else someone might very well end up dead and at the very least like in my case my sister inlaw had to take divorce when my husband divorced.It really is like having a noose around your neck and had it not been for my own cowife screwing up royally and trying to cut my inlaws back I would have for certain been divorced by my husband.He might have kept me until kids were grown but for sure eventually he would have thrown me to the wolves more than likely.

     

     

  • anabellah

    October 29, 2016

    Mari2,

    If I remember what you said correctly, I think you said your husband’s other has a slight disability and it would be somewhat difficult to get her married, which is why they pushed for her to marry him. So, I imagine that her family and his, which are all one family, thought they were looking out for her best interest. It’s something that should be taken into consideration. I’m not saying it was okay for them to keep from her that he was already married to you until after she was married. She should have been able to say yay or nay. Again, it’s the cultural thing going on where the family think that they can decide what happens with a family member. For example, a parent can tell the son to divorce the wife etc.

    Again, if she’s angry and bitter towards her husband, I’d think she’d be angry and bitter towards her and his family, which is one family, as well.

  • anabellah

    October 29, 2016

    Mari2,

    I’d think she’d be upset and angry with her family members. They new all that was going on before he married her. They kept her in the dark and pushed the marriage through despite it all.

  • Gail

    October 29, 2016

    Mari2,

      I read your post and knowing Pakistani women the way I do they don’t accept polygamy the majority of them it is taboo although people will say polygamy is ok there they don’t want it for themselves or their family members.I wish I could say everything will work out but chances r she will remain bitter but not divorce him as Pakistani people see divorce as worse than death in most cases.Your husband obviously did wrong to lie to her and u r correct she has her right to be bitter about that lie that cost her dearly.I would imagine she hates him if truth be told.

  • anabellah

    October 28, 2016

    Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I hear you, Sis 🙁 She may be laying the guilt trip on him heavily thinking the pressure would make him unload you. For that reason alone I’d stick it out with him come hell or high water. Fight till the bitter end or a good end.

  • Mari2

    October 28, 2016

    Salam to all.

    I think in my situation I do have sympathy for 2 because my husband did indeed engage in marriage with her based upon a lie.  Though I knew of his impending marriage and was accepting of it, 2 had no knowledge of me or the fact she was to become a second wife.  I feel now as I felt then, that M and his mother were duplicitious toward 2.  They both failed to allow 2 the option afforded to her in Islam…to choose to accept polygamy or not.  They stole that choice away from her.  2 was bitter about it then.  And she is still bitter about it now.  And I cannot say that I blame her.

    And while M is realatively good about not badmouthing 2, he does become frustrated by her because she flings accusations at him consistently about how he ruined her life, brought her bad luck, etc.  I get where shes coming from.  I do.  Polygamy can help a person get closer to Allah.  It has certainly done so for me.  But when one feels “tricked” into a polygamous situation, it is harder for them to feel closer to Allah.  This may even harder for 2 since she lives in a culture/family that despite being Muslim, regards polygamy as bad.  

    Though M didnt badmouth me to gain her acceptance to marry him, what I think he did to her was worse.  He flat out kept her from the truth with some warped idea that eventually she will accept the fact she’s in a polygamous marriage *Surprise!*  Well 19 months into their marriage she no more closer to accepting that which Allah made lawful for him.  Instead, I have become the “enemy”.  Though I pushed him then to be truthful with 2 and listen to me rather than his mother.  Sigh.  It is what it is.  

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2016

    Dear Saira, 🙂

    That was a touching heart felt post that you wrote. It was very moving. Thank you for sharing, dear sister.

    I feel you about how you feel your husband deceived you. You’re not alone in that by any means. Some wives marry their husbands and feel that they were taken on a ride by the husbands wanting to convince them of marriage by any means necessary, and others feel belittled and degraded by men who minimize them in the eyes of other wives and other people. All the wives end up getting hurt by men who aren’t truthful and seek to do what is best for themselves at the expense of hurting others.

    It’s an eyeopener for all us women. We need to recognized what happens, learn from it and move forward. I would say it’s all good if it brings us closer to Allah. The men are the ones who have done the deed and will account for it. Maybe Allah will forgive them and have mercy on them.

    Saira, it’s so good to hear that you are putting Allah first in your life. I pray Allah is well pleased with you 🙂

    I think this blog is so good for all Muslim women to read so they not only know what polygamy is like to live, but to be forewarned of some of the deception and trickery that exist. The problems aren’t only with the husbands, but with the wives and families, as well.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2016

    Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam 🙂

    You made a good point in saying that there are men who say they are following the Sunnah by engaging in polygamy, but many of the marriages are based on lies. It really sickens me to hear the men say that they want polygamy to follow the Sunnah. I’d prefer they simply say they want more wives rather than act like they need to do it because the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) did it.

    The mere fact that Allah says men could have 1 – 4 wives should be good enough. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is known to have had one wife and was monogamous and was known to have several wives and was polygamous. Therefore, he represented both monogamy and polygamy. In essence, everyone who marries is following the way of the prophet Muhammad (PBUH) based on the NUMBER as in only one wife or more.

    It’s as though the men think that if they mention the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) with polygamy they’ll get others to view them in a good light for wanting more than one wife. It’s so easy to see through that.

    I’ve even heard some men go as far as to say that they want to show others how it’s done and be an example. WHAT? Allah swt tells us how it’s done and the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and all of Allah’s prophets are our example. So, what the heck are those guys talking about? They are so full of themselves. Women need to shut them down when they come out their faces with that nonsense. They sound so stupid and I envision slapping them upside the head. Gee Wiz 🙁

  • Saira

    October 27, 2016

    Salam sister neesa 

    reading your post seems like reading my own life story 

    eventho mine and co apartment 10,15 min away lol

    and am pregnant too

     

  • Saira

    October 27, 2016

    Aslamu Alakykum sisters 

    many thanks to sister Ana who always write from heart and help others.

    reading this it seems like am reading my own mind .

    just remembering my experience when I was about to enter polygamy 

    polygamy it self sure a test for women but it’s beautiful things which our beloved prophet pbuh practice and men tend to say they following sunnah yet they building this relationship in base of lies 

    when I look back I feel foolish I wish I wish I came to this blog before entering polygamy and read and get honest and good advice from it 

    many things I was told was true but same time many things were lies 

    now it’s been long time and am struggling yet trying to settle down but deep down those lies still hurts me 

    I wish men be honest and not bad mouth and honest with the future wife 

    life would have been much calm and diffrent if man won’t lie and tell the future wife honest truth about having multiple wife instead of giving excuse and faults about co wife .

    it is so wrong with the person he marry as person like me start feeling something very special about them self and think they are charm of their life but once reality hit them it break their personality completely 

    what I was before entering polygamy and what I becom now it’s so diffrent 

    I came to relize only one relationship is worth and trust worthy and it is relationship with Allah 

    my husband loves me more then I do to him now 

    I care for him so much but deep down I don’t want to show him how I love him because I am hurt for many things which I only discuss with Allah 

    if I were to marry my husband and he would have been all honest I would have very open calm and good mind from start of our marriage and I would not get hurt at all.

    I try not to Remeber that time which is very important time of women to get married 

    but just reading this brought all my memories back 

    May Allah heal all of sister who faced Lies and hurt with thaT and May Allah teach men to practice polygamy with honest heart ameen

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2016

    Neesa, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I thought most who read the thread/post could relate to it. I certainly can. LOL – especially being here on this blog for almost 8 years now. We’re doing really good being that the life of a blog is 3 years.

    A man ruins his own soul when he lies and badmouth a wife or potential wife to the other just for personal gain – to satisfy his desires.

    It’s sad that he moved out of your home to please her and hasn’t moved back in. She can’t feel good about herself. How miserable she must feel inside to be so hateful. Again, be grateful that you are not her.

    I’d suggest you not go out of your way to be her friend. Just be cordial; give her the salaams, and that all you’re required to do. She is the one acting as an enemy to you. She’s not a nice person. I don’t care whether she’s hurting or not. It’s one thing to hurt and try to work on yourself to get better. It doesn’t sound that it’s what she’s trying to do. Maybe one day, she’ll change her heart so Allah will change her condition before it’s too late.

    Granted, we all here have gone through a lot and have done wrong things, at least I can say I have and probably most who are here. The important thing is that we recognize our wrong, faults and mistakes and try to rectify them.

    Insha Allah, just continue to try to be a good person and enjoy your husband. Turn to Allah and take your complaints to Him. He hears both sides. He hears you and is the one who can change things for you. Make sure you remember Him much and often. Do all the acts of worship. Offer your five daily salat prayers. Read as much of the Quran as is easy for you, even if it’s only a few ayat (verses) a day. Ask Allah to give you understanding and to guide and protect you. {{{hugs}}}

  • Neesa

    October 23, 2016

    Salam sisters, it is me again, I commented on Why Hide Polygamy before I come here. I think many of us can relate to this. It is similar to what I’ve heard years ago when entering the polygamous marriage. It was bad and I regretted for ‘listening’ to him because I realized now that eventho if all that were true, it won’t really make any differences. There were countless times where I tried to convinced her to try to make this marriage work for all of us. That I come here not to steal her husband, not because she is a bad wife, because no matter what my husband says, often I reminded him that he might just be exaggerating it. I used to see his kids a lot, and they actually called me mom but not the same mom they are using to call their real mom. I mean, like some kids call their mother mama and others call mommy. I didn’t teach them that tho, he did because he likes the idea of us all to live and work together as a family. But seeing the dreams dashed and just going down to the drain, he is seeing more and more bad side of her. I can’t blame him for feeling that way, sometimes I got upset too. when you tried so hard to be nice but the person take that as a threat or a sign of you trying to compete with her. I even told her I wanted to help. My presence should help her to have more time for herself since she’s a fulltime housewife and always looking so tired taking care of the kids and household. I can’t blame her for feeling that way either. She feels hurted and betrayed and she just wants me out. It gets to the point where she managed to make my husband to take out of his stuffs from our home and not to see me again. Big drama. It last for 1 day. He came to see me again, our apartments are just 15 mins away anyway and it hurts him everytime he passes the area. He doesn’t really move in back with me but the visits are frequent and he cares a lot and on top of that I am pregnant now!

     I had my share of complaining and showing my unsatisfaction towards how things are working now, not a lot!, but enough to stress a husband. that he is probably bad mouthing me to his wife as well. About how both of us are stressing him up and not cooperating, but hey I tried! I guess it just shows how people just want to share what they feel and their frustrations and I usually do not really take it seriously anymore and I stopped complaining as well and let things slide. He eventually stop picking up on the topic because it will just end up making him more stress anyways. I am not sure if he did that before he married me to win me, but it did make me feel like I could be ONE to make him happy. That I could save the day (but by not making him divorce her). I still feel like the ONE sometimes because he seems to enjoy our times together but it doesn’t really make him as settled as I thought he would be, because of the pressure are so great that he realizes it is not a permanent solution for the problems. 

  • Mena

    October 23, 2016

    In my opinion, men talk badly about their current wives in order to answer the unnecessary question ‘why’. In reality he doesn’t need to have a reason(s) but since his current wife will ask why and his intended will ask why and sociaty will ask why (because according to the kafir, a man must be missing something in his current marriage to look outside of that).  He trys to answer the question, And ends up talking badly of his wife, the mother of his children, his sister in Islam. any woman who encourages this, or listens to this (back biting) is not someone you’d want to marry anyway. 

    “just because he wants to” isn’t a good enough answer even to himself. And as ana has said a gazillion times, WHY dont you divorce your awful wife, (if thats what she is). If everyone can just accept that men are the protectors and maintainers of WOMEN, we could begin to not answer the question with the above answer. I dont think protecting and maintaining women is something men do reluctantly, I think its a natural inclination. Thats WHY. 

    I wonder how many women would marry a man if he said his current wife was wonderful, beautiful, the best thing since sliced bread. And he hopes the new wife will be just as wonderful and beautiful. I wonder how many women are mature and woman enough to accept that she is or will be equal to his current wife. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2016

    You asked why she’s waiting for you to marry him before she divorces him instead of just doing it now. Wouldn’t it be foolish of her to divorce him now and there’s a chance he won’t marry you?

    She basically is saying that IF you marry him she will divorce her husband. It’s contingent on whether you marry him or not. She apparently is dealing enough with the other co-wife that she has.

    Getting back to the other question about if he is looking to escape – he has a second wife already. Why not escape to her? It’s not about escaping, apparently.

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2016

    UmmJameela,

    I don’t think it’s an “escape route” from headaches for him. He simply wants another wife. He wants you to be the one. No one can run from their problems. If he wanted you as an escape, why not divorce her completely?  Don’t fool yourself into thinking that he doesn’t love her. He may say he’s only there for the children, but I wouldn’t count on it to be the only reason, if I were you. Don’t doubt that he loves her.

    You could call her, as you stated, and ask her what the problem is. I think you already know the problem. You’re intending to marry the man whom she is married to. Apparently she hasn’t accepted polygamy.

    Should you wait until they resolve their issues before you marry him? Well, who’s to say when they will resolve their issues, if ever. Men don’t need to be problem free before they marry more wives. It would be nice and help, if he and she had some stability in their marriage before he married another, however, it’s not always how it goes with polygamous marriages.

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2016

    UmmJameela, As salaamu Alaikum, https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    I wrote the above post/thread in regards to the post that you wrote. It’s important for you to know that there is no need for the man to give excuses for why he wants to marry another. He needs no reason, nor excuse. He’s allowed to have four wives. He gave no one an excuse or reason to marry the first one, and it should be no different with regard to the others.

    It’s sad that he tells you all his and his other wife’s business. Will he do the same, if he marries you? Will he tell her all your and his business? It’s not nice to do. Their problems are none of your concern unless she tells them to you.

    When she informed you that he hit her, you shouldn’t take that lightly. If he does hit her, there is a huge chance that he will hit you, as well, if you and he get married. Just because he appears to be righteous doesn’t mean he is free of sins and faults. You acknowledge that in your post, which is good.

     

  • UmmJameela

    October 22, 2016

    Jazak Allaahu Khair to all you beautiful sisters, your advice has like always, been amazing! The reason why I’m worried about marrying this brother is because to me it feels like he is just wanting to marry me so he has somewhere to escape from wife1. She is really unstable at the moment to the point where she had him arrested and pressed charges against him, her allegation was that he hits her infront of the children. Now for me I found that hard to believe because he comes across as someone who fears Allaah. He prays his salaah on time, always gives advice according to Islam and just generally is a patient man. But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t hit her… I know we all fall short so only Allaah knows if it is true. He also told me that his wife has been arguing every single day prior to these accusations being made to the police. Arguing about the co wife, and also me. She says that she wants a divorce but is still there. When she spoke to me I advised her to be patient and not cause unnecessary drama, for her to concentrate on her own marriage instead of pushing him away by abusing her co wife. She agreed for a while and then it switched to me, I was a home wrecker who was waiting on her husband to marry me. And I was “desperate” to settle for a 2 day marriage. Lol so I don’t speak to her at all anymore. Now and then I receive a message from her saying “Hurry up and marry him so I can get my divorce” I have no idea why me marrying him has anything todo with her getting a divorce but yeah…Also the housing issue, he said he will get a house where we both will stay the 2 nights he is with me, and the remainder of the week I am to live back at my parents. Do you sisters think that this might be a escape route from headache for him? And I am wrong in thinking he should resolve matters with the first wife and then think about taking another wife? That’s what I’m confused about. I think he may well be bored of her now and has kids, so he feels as though he has to stay with her for the sake of his children. I am thinking about calling her soon to ask her what the problem is…. is it the fact that his going to take another wife or is it because it’s me? Im not sure but I really do want to know simply because I think she can create a whole load of drama later.