Remember Allah When in Polygamy

remember Allah when in polygamy

I tell all wives who are in a polygamous marriage to remember Allah when in polygamy. Many wives who are in polygamous marriages begin the marriages off wrong. They remember other people and things instead of remembering Allah.

Why is it so important to remember Allah? It’s because it’s what Allah has instructed us to do. Allah tells us in an ayah (verse) in the Holy Quran that remembrance of Him is the greatest thing in life without doubt. It means no one and nothing are deserving of remembrance more than Allah. Nonetheless, most people don’t pay attention to what Allah says.

Wives could easily test if they remember Allah when in polygamy

We need only to realize our thoughts each day. How many times do Allah come to mind? Is it all day, a part of a day or not at all that day? We should remember Him all day. We could go about our regular chores, take care of our responsibilities and remember Allah at the same time.

Especially remember that Allah is God. He is our Creator who created all things. He created our mates and selected them for us. Although we think we decided, we did not. Allah did. He determined before we were born who we’d marry. In fact, before we were born, He decided all that would happen to us.

When the husband marries again, does the wife immediately remember Allah when in polygamy?

The wife begins to remember her husband more than anything else when he becomes polygamous. She usually remembers her husband or her husbands’ other wife or her husband and his other wife. As a result, she forgets Allah.

The wives become preoccupied in their minds with their husbands and co-wives. No good comes from it being that the husband and the co-wives can do no good or harm to anyone unless Allah wills it. All good comes from Allah. So why consume her thoughts with persons who don’t matter? Why does she remember all but Allah when her husband becomes polygamous?

For instance, when a husband buys a wife a gift or treats her extra special, she usually is happy for the moment. She may show her gratitude to him with a smiles or by being super warm and kind towards him. Maybe she becomes extra nice to him in the bedroom. It’s all very nice, but did she remember Allah? Oops, I don’t think she did.

Did she remember the gift her husband gave her came from Allah? Her husband was only the vehicle to deliver it. Did she get down on her prayer rug and thank Allah for the gift that He sent her by way of her husband? Many times she doesn’t, which is very sad.

It is important for a wife to remember Allah when in polygamy, if she wants peace and tranquility in her marriage

A wife needs to know what Allah expects of her. What does He command of us? We have to remember Allah and be thankful to Him. A wife should take to her prayer rug and show gratitude to Allah. Many wives don’t do it.

Why doesn’t she get down on her prayer rug?  She may not pray at all or doesn’t pray as often as she should. Maybe she doesn’t know that Allah has given her the gifts and has given her all that she has. She may have simply forgotten Allah.

Remember that Allah remembers those who remember Him. If she doesn’t remember Allah, He doesn’t remember her. Remember Allah when in polygamy.

Remembrance of Allah is the Greatest thing in life without doubt. Let’s make our intent and a conscious effort to remember Allah always.

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31 Comments

  • Fatimah

    May 27, 2015

    Oh I didn’t think that at all. I meant that initially it wasn’t lust so I myself cant accuse him of it. He insists that he isnt wrong or committing haram so he doesn’t hear me when I try to explain whats going on so I dont try anymore. I dont go thru his phone bc i feel like i would be self inflciting pain onto myself. Its none of my business however he texts alot on my nights which we agreed was rude and disrespectful seeing as it was an intrusion of time. I never do that bc if he is w her and texting me on her nights, i feel that physically he is w her but emotionally w me which I think is wrong ethically. Maybe not islamically but ethically. And he did that alot. Other than the emotional difference and distance, the lack of affection, secrecy, and his open difference in the day time hours, I cant say there is much else. Thats why i said its not a matter of being against polygamy itself, its the way its being done and effecting our personal relationship. I still do not believe a honeymoon phase should be a justified reason to excuse him or anyone else. His previous second wife was very raunchy and extremely jealous and so her competitiveness was an advantage for my husband. He enjoyed and benefitted from it but hurt me. He never stopped her. This is how i learned to mind my business and not watch what he does. She was very aggressive. Interestingly she left him for the very reasons i would, i just have not left. Her complaints mirrored mine. He was given another chance to help this lady w the strong promise not to do it again or repeat his behavior. He said he loved me too much to repeat but ince he got married that changed. i was just dumb to believe it. I was going to leave but he begged and begged abd promised. His behavior made me react and I said alot of hurtful things and tried to get him to see but he doesbt. So i stay silent In hopes that Allah swt will open his eyes or lift his veils. In regards to her, i have known her for many years abd we were once friends. the marriage has changed this friendship and i guess she has fallen in love. She initially came to me and said she was not here to start trouble or act like the previous one or step on my toes. Allah swt is the ONLY one who knows whether or not she encourages him to be right or go spend time w Fatimah bc she knows im hurting. She claims she knows how it felt bc her ex had been interesting for many years. If she felt compassion and encouraged him, he did not listen or she forgot her own words and commitment. So I make alot of dua and stsy inspired by reading and watching videos about Allah’s promise of ease, justice but most of all HIS love and mercy. Its not so much about caring if she is the favorite but more of a Broken promise and an open preference like behavior. And making sure u demonstrate this love u say or claim u have. Its not enough to say i love u and not show me. Knowing in ur heart is not good enough. After 17+ years how could ANY woman effect your behavior towards ur wife IF you claim to love her the way u said. Im sorry but there is no hadith in the world that can convince me he is right. And the insult of saying i can do this bc i dont HAVE to be equal in the day. He said i know it hurts u but i will just take it.

  • anabellah

    May 27, 2015

    @Sis fatimah,

    Please don’t think I was insinuating your husband had married for lust. You haven’t given us any indication that it’s the case.I was just making a general statement about some men who marry for lust. Some ladies here have said their husbands other wives talk a lot about their sex lives with the husbands and such stuff that give the impression the marriage is sex based.

    Your situation is weird in that it’s not easy to call it. I don’t have any idea what happened, based on what you’ve stated. If he’s not saying and is not giving you indirect clues, your guess is as good as mine what could be taking place. I can’t even guess right about now.

    Have you meet her or talked to her? Do you know anything about her other than she was single and needed a husband? It’s peculiar…. Usually we have a wife saying the other wife is asking the husband to divorce her, or is sending sex pics etc. What is you husband’s other doing – anything?

  • fatimah

    May 27, 2015

    He was asked to marry her because she was single and needed a husband. It wasnt for lust, I guess it just appears that is what he is giving into. I guess I will never understand man and how they think. I think I had false expectations because this is what he fed me before he married her. In the beginning everything was fine. It didnt seem like he even had another wife! I felt like hey,I can do this becuacse he was very attentive and accomodating. Some weeks in, he changed. became more secretive and less attentive and distant.

  • anabellah

    May 27, 2015

    I could see how a husband may incline towards a wife he just married. She’d appear to be the “favorite” wife over the one he had been married to for sometime. Once he settles in with the second wife, he may lean towards the first one, as in the example Ruqayyah gave. Who the favorite is could very well change, during the course of the marriage. I believe that if a wife focuses on Allah and want to be the best servant of Allah, she wouldn’t care who the favorite is. It wouldn’t matter to her.

    We need to be mindful that husbands become polygamous for a number of reasons. If the reason is for lust, the husband is bound to have problems in the marriage(s), as Allah tells us not to marry for lust. Allah doesn’t reward evil with good. The husband has disobeyed Allah. There are consequences for our actions.

  • anabellah

    May 26, 2015

    @Ruqayyah, 🙂

    Yes, EXCELLENT ADVICE! Thank you very much! I appreciate it tremendously. I know Fatima needed to hear from others not only from me and I need to hear from others, as well. Thank you much for stepping up.

  • Fatimah

    May 26, 2015

    Excellent advice. Shukran Jazeelan for taking the time to help others remember Allahu swt. Only in HIM will we find rest and peace!

  • Ruqayyah

    May 26, 2015

    Fatimah, I know it sucks to feel we are putting in all the effort and he gets to do whatever he wants and still if he stuffs up our marriage he can still be happy elsewhere with another marriage. But seriously I feel women are the key to a happy marriage, men do not know how to persevere when things are tough, they don’t know how to put the feelings of being unsatisfied to the side and work towards a happier marriage. I believe this all lies in the hands of the woman. I used to scream and cry at my husband that my rights weren’t fulfilled, I wasn’t happy, he better fear Allah and do x, y, z. He was wrong wrong wrong etc. It did NOTHING, nada. He got angrier and angrier, he started to want to spend time away from me. He would say how smothered he felt, he tried to be kind but it wasn’t enough because I wanted him never to become polygamous, never to show preference to another woman (at times he did show preference even though it was joking it still killed me). My husband never became polygamous but I still pushed him away.
    When I began taking my complaints to Allah instead and trying hard to make my home a happy one, when I began trying to please my husband 1stly for the sake of Allah and for the sake of building a good home then things began to get better. A lot of the unhappiness comes from our own selves and thinking. If we constantly think we have to do most of the work, we have to do this and that and he does whatever he wants it wears us down. What is the point of thinking this way when the end result is the same regardless of if he started the change or you did. Perhaps he is trying in another way, maybe he is unhappy and trying to change. Who knows, only the 2 of you know your marriage, we can only guess based off what is written here.
    I know a sister who was a 1st wife, her husband abandoned her, he only checked up on her once a week or less just because they had kids together, he would drop of groceries and leave. Never bothering to stay long or anything, he prefered the 2nd wife. She was patient, she decided she didn’t want a divorce and would try to make it work. Eventually (as in every marriage) the husband began to have problems in the 2nd marriage also, he would linger at the 1sts house, she would invite him for tea. They’d sit and chat in a pleasant environment. They’d discuss things she’d be an ear for him. His visits became longer and longer and more frequent until he began treating her equally again. We cannot control others, we can’t make them act the way we want. What we have been given power to control is our own actions, we can fake it till we make it. OR we can leave. If you want a good marriage make your actions be those that will work towards a good marriage and soon enough if Allah wills your husband will follow your lead. Make tahajjud, pray lots and lots, ask Allah for help.

  • anabellah

    May 26, 2015

    Is there any other person out there besides me who have any THOUGHTs about the matter that Fatimah is discussin? It seems as though one person at a time or so comes here and discuss their issues and everyone else just read and soak it all in. I know someone must have some ideas, feelings or thoughts about the matter. I’m getting talked out here…

  • anabellah

    May 26, 2015

    Fatimah,

    Is there someone who you and your husband can sit down with to discuss the issues you are having and mediate for you?.

  • anabellah

    May 26, 2015

    You say men do not have to be one sided. They are and they do, some of them. Allah made everyone different with different dispositions and personality. He said if he wanted us to all be the same he would have made us that way. Each and every one of us will account for whatever it is that we do wrong.

  • anabellah

    May 26, 2015

    Fatima, I do understand all that you are saying. I’m not trying to be adversarial with you. I like the discussion that we are having. It helps me, as well, when I contemplate what you have said and what you have asked. Thank you!!!

  • Fatimah

    May 26, 2015

    Im not sure if life not being the way we want is the issue or my parents being an example. My point is men dont HAVE to be one sided. But ok. I appreciate your input.

  • anabellah

    May 26, 2015

    Life is never the way we imagined it would be. Life doesn’t look like what we expect it to look like. Allah says in the Holy Quran that we don’t get everything that we hanker after in this life.

  • anabellah

    May 26, 2015

    Fatima, I understand exactly what you’re saying. You have to consider that your relationship in Polygamy doesn’t necessarily have to resemble anyone else polygamous marriage. We are all different. Your experiences don’t necessarily have to resemble theirs. Your parents and other people are not our examples. The prophets are our examples. People have come together and come up with their strategy on how time and resources Etc. are to be divided, but there is nothing that says it is the way it is supposed to be. We don’t know how the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) divided his time between his wives. We do know He gave them turns. There had to be turns because he had 9 wives. our expectations are what makes us unhappy.

  • Fatimah

    May 26, 2015

    I totally 100% agree w a man not wanting to come home to a nagging pestering wife nor would she want to come home to an abusive husband. I don’t think the issue is she is just upset about polygamy, natural jealousy between cowives. I dont think its about being mad that the husband is doing what he is quote un quote allowed. My father was in polygamy for 8 years and my mother even admits that he was JUST and fair. He didnt openly spend more time w his second than my mother. Whatever he did for one, he did for the other whether they liked it or not. If he spent more time w the second whether he could or not, WHY would he if he knew it hurt my mother? Did she not accept polygamy bC she was hurt? Or was she hurt bc she felt he preferred the other wife? My Brother is also in it. He totally

  • anabellah

    May 26, 2015

    @Fatimah,

    Think about it. Even if in a monogamous marriage, a husband wouldn’t want to come home to a nagging, unhappy, pestering wife, who is a malcontent. A man in a dating relationship wouldn’t want to be bothered with it either. It’s easier for the man in the dating relationship to move on and get another girlfriend. The difference is the man in the polygamous marriage can go to his other wife when aggravated by another and find some peace and contentment. You say it’s soooo unfair that how wives react causes a reaction in the men. Well it’s not about polygamy. It’s about disposition.

    You said it doesn’t matter what they do or did to make us feel a certain way. What did they do? They did what Allah allowed them to do. Polygamy is okay for them and if they engaged in it, Allah decreed it.

    Wives need to get to a place where they ACCEPT our religion Islam – our way of life. It’s not going to look like monogamy anymore once the husband is polygamous. Polygamy is polygamy and monogamy is monogamy. If a wife is feeling some kind of negative way about it, it is because of what is in her heart and it isn’t good. She shouldn’t blame her husband for how she feels. As I stated before she has to own her emotions and account for them. A husband is not responsible for how the wife thinks or feels. Now, if he is beating the crap out of her physically, call her all kinds of offensive name and such, its a different story. She needs to pray to Allah to take her up out of the abusive relationship. If a husband, on the other hand, is not doing any of those thing, he is only polygamous, which is allowed, and the wife has ongoing problems with embracing it, it is her problem, not the husbands.

    It’s a matter of believing in our way of life and believing the teachings of Islam according to the Holy Quran that will determine whether we are happy or unhappy in life. Our happiness shouldn’t be contingent on the husband and what he does. This life is not about a husband or a marriage. It’s about serving and obeying Allah swt. It’s about accepting all of what Allah has scripted for us. It’s about accepting His decrees.

    When you said we have to just take it or be unhappy, I think, yes we just take it. It’s accepting Allah’s decrees. He tells us exactly when to act, when not to act what to believe, who to befriend etc. He tells us everything and it amounts to “taking it.”

    I wrote this quickly, so please excuse any errors.

  • Fatimah

    May 26, 2015

    Its soooo unfair how our reaction to their action makes them feel like they dont want to come home. It doesn’t matter what they did to make us feel a certain way. It doesn’t matter WHAT THEY do. It seems like we have to just take it or be unhappy.

  • anabellah

    May 25, 2015

    @Fatimah,

    I read your initial post again. You said your husband was in a polygamous marriage once before and he did the same things then that he does now with his new marriage. It leads me to believe it’s not because he’s so head over heals in love with her that he gives her preference, but he’s just wrapped up in the newness of the marriage. Time will tell whether this marriage with her works or ends like the last one did.

    It could very well be that she is having a very difficult time accepting the marriage. She may have been speaking to him about ending it and shows him her displeasure in the marriage. It could be why he is so accommodating of her. I know it’s all speculation, but you best believe the same as you are having a difficult time in a polygamous marriage, she is having a difficult time, as well. It may not be that he loves her more than you.

    I know you have a lot to think about in terms of where the marriage is going. I’d suggest you not pester him about the time being unfair as it will only push him away and make him not to eager to get home to be with you. Insha Allah, things will get better. Try to be patient and persevere. Things may very well change in due time.

  • Fatimah

    May 24, 2015

    @Ana
    yes I have spoken to him but he doesn’t acknowledge what I say.
    Thanks for defining oppresion for me. It makes a ton of sense. I have alot to think about and some decisions to make..

  • anabellah

    May 24, 2015

    @Fatimah,

    It would be nice if the husband showed all his wives love and the one doesn’t feel any less loved than the other. Unfortunately with a favorite it’s not the way it is all the time. Some wives will actually feel unloved. I think it may be the same way it is with children. A parent may have a favorite child and the other children know it. It doesn’t mean the parent doesn’t love the other children at all. There are some parents who go into denial with it and swear up and down she loves all her children equally. It’s the type of person who say what sound good and sounds best. I don’t think that type of person is truthful with self or others. Anyhow, you could look at marriage the same way when it comes to a favorite wife. It’s like a parent having a favorite child. She may try not to show it, but it’s seen and felt.

    When you speak of women feeling loved, there are husbands who bend over backwards and do everything they can to make their wives feel loved. Regardless of what he does she doesn’t feel any better. Another human being cannot make someone else feel a certain way. A person has to own her own feelings. A person can’t control another person’s feelings. Maybe she’s insecure and nothing he does will make her feel better about herself. Maybe she has low self worth. It could be anything.

    A wife will feel some kind of way about a husband having a preference in a wife when she doesn’t appear to be it. The other wives of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) probably didn’t love him any less because Aishah was the favorite wife and they weren’t. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) felt badly because he had a favorite wife and he wasn’t feeling the same about all his other wives, which is when the ayah (verse) in the Holy Quran was revealed that a man could never be fair and just in his feelings for wives regardless of how hard he tries.

    It could be that the least favorite wife always wants to feel and think she is the favorite and when she isn’t made to feel that way, she has problems with the husband. She says he doesn’t make her feel love. He’s not fulfilling his obligation because she’s not feeling as the favorite wife feel. It’s wanting what he can’t give her. Granted she could ask him to divide his time and nights equally. She certainly can do it and expect it. If he doesn’t acquiesce, what is left for her to do?

    If you’re not feeling loved by your husband and you’re feeling distressed and very unhappy, you have grounds for divorce. To me oppression, for example, would be that you are unhappy, don’t love your husband, want out of the marriage and your husband won’t grant you the divorce because he wants to keep you as a wife and refuses to do what you ask to make you want to stay in the marriage. He, in essence, holds you a prisoner in the marriage. It’s just one example.

    About the saying, don’t leave her feel as though she is hanging – not feeling loved goes hand in hand with feeling as though one doesn’t have a husband. He’s not present in the marriage emotionally or physically or psychologically. She feels alone and unloved.

    As I stated before, it could very well be that your husband is in the honeymoon phase of the marriage. He and you have been married 18 years, which is a nice long time. His marriage to her is new to him. It would have been nice had he continued to make you feel special and loved as he did in the beginning of becoming polygamous. Perhaps he saw that you were settling in nicely and he though it okay to relax his efforts. Did you discuss with him how you felt then and how you feel now based on his actions?

  • Fatimah

    May 24, 2015

    @Ana
    Shukran so much for your response. It was very thorough and welcomed! You touched upon all aspects of my post.
    What an ugly truth! I don’t think I will ever really understand polygamy especially if a man can openly show favoritism and everything be ok Bc to me, its just not Ok. And if there IS a favorite, and we all know it, why can’t he at the very least make his other wives feel loved? Its very easy once a woman accepts polygamy itself. In the beginning he tried very hard and it worked. It didnt even feel like he was married bc of how he made ME feel. Even tho he still packed up and left for her house. I feel like his efforts brought out the best in me. I guess eventually he cared less about me and more about himself. Granted we already had issues however I was convinced that things would actually get better for us bc he seemed genuine.
    I guess there are some things I will never agree w in polygamy and May be thats my western thoughts that has grown on me. Allah is not cruel. He is very loving and merciful And protects the bodies and minds of Muslims and especially women. Im not sure how openly being divided in your time, not feelings or love, is ok when it causes SO much discord amongst the wives. Aside from natural jealousies between the wives of sharing this mate, showing more attention and being out right uneven would naturally cause more than just natural jealousy. I guess I have misunderstood the ayat in Holy Quran where Allah swt says you will never be just even if it be your most ardent desire, however never leave one as if hanging in suspense. I didnt know that meant to feel like she doesn’t have a husband. I was always under the impression that it meant never let them feel as if she is less liked than the others. What an eye opener. I think knowing what is right and wrong helps.
    Im sorry but a man can’t spend more time w one wife openly and think his marriages will be peaceful unless his wives have assumed their roles as the least and are ok w it. if he trully love his wives, why wouldn’t he make sure they feel loved? Its one thing to have a favorite but when he wont even spend time w his other, im just lost as to how this can be right and ok. I see i have some Choices to make.
    Im interested in knowing my choices of separation and divorce. Is this grounds and what is considered oppression?

  • anabellah

    May 24, 2015

    @Fatimah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome to the 411 🙂

    No, you are certainly not alone. There are sister here who are going through what you are. There are a lot of commonalities in polygamous marriages.

    About favorite wives, we know that husbands will have them. In order for them to be favorites something will set them apart from the other wives. There may be noticeable things that will let a wife know which wife is the favorite. There is nothing that says a husband has to hide his feelings. Some women have come on the blog and said it’s the husband’s responsibility to not let the wives know which is the favorite. Well, in an ideal world, maybe. We know that Aishah was the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) favorite wife. All the other wives knew it as well. He didn’t have to hide it. Allah lets us know a husband doesn’t have to and can’t love his wives equally, as Allah controls the heart and places the love in the heart. Allah lets us know, as well, that a man is not to leave a wife hanging so that she feels as though she has no husband. I think you know you have a husband. You just don’t like the way he divides his time and that she appears to be his favorite.

    With regard to sharing time, a husband’s days are his to do as he pleases. He doesn’t have to share equal time with the wives during the day. That time is his and there are no restrictions. As far as the nights, there are different schools of thoughts. Fair and just is usually what the parties to the marriage agree on. In your case you don’t agree with how your husband divides the nights. I know of a person who is of the school of thought that as long as the husband goes to the wife’s house and lay his head on the pillow it counts as a night and she got her time even if for a 1/2 hour. When you look at the ayah (verse) in the Holy Quran that says don’t leave her hanging, if he’s showing up a night each week and is with the other wife the rest of the nights, does she feel she has no husband???

    We know if a wife doesn’t like her treatment, she has options. He and she could get arbitrators/mediators, a person from both sides of the family to try to help the couples resolve their differences. Furthermore, he could do an “oath of abstention” and you and he separate (I think it’s for 4 months) and divorce after it, if they can’t reconcile. You and he could come to an agreement that you and he will stay married under the conditions that already exists or whatever agreement you two reach and divorce if it doesn’t work out. Lastly, you could flat out divorce. There is no oppression. There is a way out…

    Your husband is correct though that if you refuse to be home when he gets there, you can’t very well have a good, healthy marriage at all. It’s a given fact your marriage would be strained and unpleasant for the both of you. If you’re going to be in the marriage, then you have to be there and in it. It could be the honeymoon phase your husband is going through, as well, as others pointed out. Once it wears off, maybe he’ll begin to share his time with you better.

    It’s good you are trying to put Allah first in your life now, Try to perform the five daily salat prayers each day and do all the things Allah instructs us in the Holy Quran to do. Although you put Allah first, it doesn’t mean you neglect your husband. Do everything in the consciousness of Allah, being mindful of Allah, so you could earn barakat (blessings). Be kind and loving to your husband, seeking the good pleasure of Allah, not your husbands pleasure and you will be rewarded for it. You get rewards for being good to your husband, IF you are mindful of Allah when doing it and not doing it for anything from your husband. All good comes from Allah.

  • Fatimah

    May 24, 2015

    As salaamu Alaikum
    I happen to come across this site looking for information about polygamy because my husband recently remarried and his behavior makes me feel that he prefers her over me. I am soooo amazed reading posts bc its like im reading my own life! Im like im not the ONLY one??? I mean EXACT situations to the T. He bases hiw he spends his time saying he doesnt have to be fair in the day time so oh well if i feel hurt. He said he is not comitting wrong or haram. I tell him and he continues in the name of he doesn’t have to be equal During the day and will take the hit if i feel hurt but he isnt wrong. I feel many ppl take on wives without proper knowledge and destroys the relationship w his first wife. many treat it like adultery. Anyway, he made many promises before he married, swearing how much he loved me and since he got married he barely spends any time w me. I have become very distant. He expects me to sit at home and wait for him after hours from her night. On my nights he leaves at fajr and does not return till the afternoon only to go back out. He starts her nights at maghrib but mine at 11pm. On her nights we STILL dont see him till the afternoon. If its her nights and he makes it to her hoise at fajr for some reason he stays there half the day and makes up that night. If that happens to me, he will not return at fajr. In fact he wont return at all. This is a man who says he loves me sooooooo much. How?? How do u love someone but clearly spend ur time differentLy and say its all in my head and not as i perceive it? And then insult me by saying he isnt wrong And doing nothing haram bc he doesn’t have to be fsir. He does things to me that he NEVER does to her. I feel like he wants her to feel loved or liked but im the one who is hurting. We have been married for almost 18 years. I married him when i was 20 years old. He will ask what he is doing then deny it so i say nothing. sadly this isn’t his first polygamy marriage. This is the second time and he is doing the SAME things that broke my marriage before. He promised he would be different. He was asked to marry this single lady altho i didnt agree bc our marriage wss so broken and still is. Its been almost three months and ppl say its bc its new. I disagree that shoulf be an excuse. Its one thing to share a man and another when ur husband shows a preference. This makes me feel that he’d rather be w her and not tske the time to spend w me. He says im Not around for me to do anything. I leave bc he doesn’t try. So i leave w my children abd find joy in them. Alhamdulillah Allah has made me a spiritual person abd i pray to HIM alot. In silence and outloud. However sometimes i have realllly low days of imaan. This article wss so interesting bc i never thought that by me being distant that it was a form of remembering my husband and not Allah! I feel like i dont even like my husband anymore. Allah forgive me. Even tho he hears me saying im hurt and my tears, he says its ur imagination and doesbt change. Im not sweating him. I do my duties but i leave bc he doesn’t come around on his days off of work but he makes sure he spends time w her.

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I’m glad to hear your mother-in-law made it to Pakistan and the family without any major incident. Now, Insha Allah, you could get a break and relax back into your ole routine

  • Mari2

    January 15, 2015

    I will never forget in one conversation with M that he told me his mother came before me(in order of some cultural importance). My response was something like good for you. You have your mom (first) and I have Allah (first). Carry on!

  • Shabanah

    January 15, 2015

    My pleasure Ana. I love the Ayah in Holy Quran referring to the deaf, dumb and blind. It’s very heavy. Suratul Baqara is a Beautiful miraculous Surah. I cant tell you how many times I’ve read this particular Surah with both translation and commentary and each time I learn even more. Allah be thanked and glorified

  • anabellah

    January 14, 2015

    @Shabanah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Thank you very much for sharing the ayah (verse) from the Holy Quran that lets us know that reminders benefits the believers. Only believers get it. The rest (those who aren’t believers) are “deaf”, “dumb”, and “blind”, as stated in the Holy Quran. They receive no benefit from what is rehearsed to them. They don’t get it.

    Anyhow, we share what we know with one another here and with the silent readers; Allah determines who He will and will not have it benefit. Alhumdulliah.

  • anabellah

    January 14, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to all our blog family and friends (silent readers),

    I’ll repeat here what I said over on our January discussion forum: The above post/thread was “a friendly reminder to everyone to put Allah FIRST in their lives ALWAYS. It’s a serious reminder for me, as well. All that I write here is for me as well as everyone else. The more I write the more I remember and Insha Allah, I will rehearse it.”

    @Shabanah, Musa Mohammad & Hilly, and everyone else who like the post/thread, Alhumdulliah, I’m happy to hear you like the post.

    I wrote the post because I am aware that practically every woman in a polygamous marriage, especially one who married in the order of first, if she doesn’t turn away from her husband completely, alienate herself from him and seek divorce, she goes the opposite way. She turns all her attention to her husband in an effort to seek his love or win his love in an act of rivalry with the other wife or out of insecurity etc. Her thoughts and actions, at that point, takes her further away from Allah, when her goal should be to grow closer to Allah. I think some of the information written about our own religion (Islam) – way of life – encourages wives to move in the wrong direction by encouraging her to focus on the husbands and not Allah. It’s the reason I like to write about the subject as much as possible without becoming redundant.

  • Hilly

    January 14, 2015

    Assalamu Alaikum to all

    Alhumduiallah the reminder is always good. May Allah swt be placed deeply in everyone heart.

  • Musa Mohammed

    January 14, 2015

    Asa Sister Ana that was very good if not the best topic so far remembering Allah. Our wives rather in monagous marriage or polygamous one needs to remember Allah very much. This will make it much better for the husband and wives, it ctreates a peacful everything gone be alright relationship. Inshallah we all take this wisdom and ale it our everyday practice. Ameen

  • Shabanah

    January 14, 2015

    Dearest Dearest Ana. As salaamu alaikum. May Allah bless you continuously yet again for this magnificent, awe inspiring reminder. As said in Holy Quran
    “And keep reminding because reminding benefits the believers “(51-55)

    I try my best to remember Allah constantly. Before I speak, before I breathe, before I act. I beg for His forgiveness. May Allah bless me with constant reminders to remember Him even more. Somewhere in the beginning of my marriage I became one of those who remembered my husband more than anything or anyone. My mind was flooded with thoughts of what him and his other wife may have been doing. It was so hard not to as we are all under tge same roof. I lost my relationship with my Lord and that’s when my life started crumbling around me. I thank Allah for giving me the strength to pick up those pieces and rekindle my relationship with Him. Remember Allah much and everything else in life will fall right into place. No doubt about it.