Satan is an evil companion to wives

Satan is an evil companion to wives

Satan is an evil companion to wives who are in polygamous marriages, if their focus isn’t on Allah. A wife may have a difficult time believing that her polygamous husband could love her and another woman at the same time. What causes a wife to doubt her husband’s love for her? It’s Satan.

Satan whispers to her, and she listens to him. All the negative thoughts that play and replay in her head are Satan’s whispers. He whispers negative things to her to cause her to doubt herself, as well.

While in a polygamous marriage, Satan is an evil companion to wives who don’t remember Allah

If she remembered Allah, Satan would not be in her head. Of course Satan would pop in every now and again. However, the wife has to get to a point in which she can quash the thoughts. A wife should know when he has shown up. She then can rid herself of him.

Allah says he gives those who don’t remember Him an evil companion. It’s Satan. It could be Satan’s agents (non-believers), as well. His agents don’t remember Him; therefore Allah doesn’t remember them. He says that He remembers those who remember Him. Allah says remembrance of him is the greatest thing in life without doubt. It makes Satan go away.

For instance, Satan is an evil companion to wives when he tells them that the younger wives are the better wives

He uses that to upset the older wife. The younger wife is not necessarily the better wife. I feel safe in saying that the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) first wife Khadijah was the love of his life. She was fifteen years older than him. Other than Aishah, many of his wives were not very young.

When he was polygamous, the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) youngest wife Aishah was his favorite wife. It was because she was the most learned. Aishah had the most knowledge of Islam. She was strong in her belief in Allah. Additionally, she was the daughter of one of the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) dearest companions.

A husband who is a believer will most likely favor the most righteous wife. A husband who is more concerned with this world’s life and not the Hereafter may favor the less pious, less righteous wife.

Satan is an evil companion to wives, and they must fight him to come out on top

It’s what she must do to win in a polygamous marriage and in this world’s life. The most righteous servant of Allah is what a wife should strive for.

It is a wife’s personal jihad (battle). If she gives into Satan, she loses all. She can only win with the help and permission of Allah.

Please note: Please only comment on this topic. Please discuss other topics in the “Discussions” area of the blog.

Satan is an evil companion to wives

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70 Comments

  • anabellah

    May 20, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    You are very observant. I began to think about what you said. What you stated is what happens. I didn’t realize it till you mentioned it. How we approach newbies on the blog is exactly as you described.

    Many times I’ve taken issue with people who are newbies to the blog because I think , first, they don’t understand or don’t fit in with our blog family or they are rough around the edges. Maybe I’m too quick in making a judgement call or I’m not as tolerant and patient with the newbies as I should be. I can only speak for myself, in terms of what you wrote, as I don’t know what others think. Others here may have felt similar, but haven’t voiced what they thought.

    Anyhow, I’m glad you brought it to our attention. It has given me something to think about and it may cause me to take a different approach with newbies. Alhumdulliah, Ruqayyah, that you spoke up.

  • Ruqayyah

    May 19, 2015

    Lol this website is like a polygamous marriage, we go crazy, “attack” the new person then slowly slowly we accept them and they fit it. It takes its time and we tend to disagree with the upheaval and new ideas but then we adjust

  • anabellah

    May 19, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone

    @majnoom,

    Here is the link to ummof4’s previous comment: https://www.polygamy411.com/no-peace-in-polygamous-marriages/#comment-7532

    @Jasmina,

    I went back and read your older comments. You are the sister whose co-wife just had a baby and he stay longer with her; although he only lives approximately 10 minutes away. You have a toddler. He still owes you days besides the ones he recently added to it. You think he is not just and fair to you.

    I wrote a post that I think you may find helpful. majoom may want to read it, as well. The link is:
    https://www.polygamy411.com/loveless-marriage-solution/

  • anabellah

    May 19, 2015

    @majnoom, As Salaamu Alaikum

    It’s all good. We are all trying to get to know one another here as best we can. I can appreciate that you are trying to know my story and it’s not easy when I can’t be direct with you. It may help if I tell you there were people from another blog who set out in an attempt to get my husband terminated from his job (Of course, it didn’t work). They revealed his and my full names. I don’t know who may be reading here who knows him and me; therefore, I am limited in what I say. So, now I hope you understand better and can read between the lines.

    I apologize to you for any misunderstanding on my part and I will stop taking bites out your head. I can get a bit ferocious at times Angry Dog Eating so, please forgive me.

  • majnoom

    May 19, 2015

    K sisters take a chill pill ummah 4 still not see n your comment and annah sis nobody is attacking u I don’t know your life story just wanted to understand what you would do if you in my place just wanted your guidance you all seem like sisters faith into religion mentioned bits from Quran when I mentioned it you got hurt clearly you guys on a different page but hey I’m new here now will you all stop biting my head off

  • ummof4

    May 19, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum Majnoom,

    I pray that you can leave alone the issue of children or no children. I did answer the question you asked me about how I spend my time now that my children are gone.
    This blog is about helping each other cope with the tests of polygamy, nothing more, nothing less. We are safe to vent here, but have to remember not to attack each other. Please stop attacking Ana, she meant you no harm. No one here has to reveal what they do not want to reveal. I also think that English is your second language as you do not seem to understand many comments that are written here. It’s okay, this blog is for everyone.

    May Allah grant us all the ability to reflect on ourselves from time to time.

  • anabellah

    May 19, 2015

    @majoom,

    This blog is not about whether I have children or not, nor is it about whether anyone here has children or not, nor is it about whether to have or not have children is right or wrong, so I will not entertain discussion about it here with you any longer. I said no, my husband and I never opted to have children. We do not have children. End of story. There is no need for anymore dialogue about it.

    I have explained to you that everyone who have been on this blog over the years know my life story. They know all about me. They know I speak based on what I had experienced in my life dealing with polygamy, but will no longer go into details about my life because my true identity is now known. I am a first wife. I was never a second, third or fourth wife. I can’t tell you anymore than it. If it’s not good enough for you, then I really don’t know what else to say. I ask you leave it alone because I’m getting annoyed with telling you I am unable to talk about my life.

    I will not allow you to make this matter a personal attack on me. If you have something to discuss or ask about polygamy and your life it would be best you direct your questions to others on blog, not to me, as I have nothing more to add.

  • majnoom

    May 19, 2015

    Dear ana and sisters my second language is not English I would like to see it was not my intentions to pee u off or all about the children issue you say u go by what is written in the holy Quran and Allah script you say you believe in his words I was clarifying it for you just as pologomy not a choice so is this matter it seem you are picking and choosing as for pologomy u give advice in others experiences not your own had you been in any of the sister s shoes you would truly know how it feels as you are not don’t think you can give advice on something you never experience telling people keep step in or leave when children are involved is very hard just because someone enters the he triangle I needed advice not pity not judgement see I never judged you about the children issue u blew ur top right I was to make u understand that just as this was written in the Quran so was that you say do anything for Allah but not that why! Was your mum not a women when she had you . anywwy my question stion took you some time to answer why because I’m right your not hearing me coco and others can agree if they like it seems when it come to bitter truth maybe your the one that can’t digest the fact you only want to follow rules that suit you I don’t know you personally its your choice have nothing do I don’t gain nothing in you have not have kids I’m just saying don’t go holy moly if you don’t care if Allah swt judges on that we all have hearts made of flesh you like to dish it out straight so iv returned the favour not that this site was about that and all but talking about benefit of the Islamic ummah and sister Anna were you always this strong I gueeess my imagination can’t figure how you must look like I hope that we can meet you know why people like you can change the world because their something about u that is truly do special and that’s prob why u stuck one man because you kill your man words if step outline haha

  • coco

    May 19, 2015

    majnoom
    If English is not a second language for you then you definitely got some MAJOR reading comprehension skills. This is my last post to you as you are unable to grasp my words. You need to read my posts AGAIN I wasn’t judging you at all yet if you re-read your posts maybe you’d also find them appalling and quite judgemental. Anyhow I hope someone else can advise you to your liking. I wish you well sister and I will leave you with what I’ve said to you earlier…

    The poison leaves bit by bit not all at once. Be patient. You are healing.
    Rumi

    Peace be upon you!

  • Jasmina

    May 19, 2015

    My husband gets home between 9 and midnight and eats and straight to sleep, never tells me he loves me, rarely takes me out anywhere or goes anywhere with me like park or shops. Once this year took me to beach for 30 minutes. He is usually grumpy and highly critical of me. About 60% of the time otherwise he is nice and smiles and cuddles me a lot.

    Yes I am almost certain he does not love me. It would be good if it we’re shaytan but I’m my husbands actions prove it.

  • anabellah

    May 18, 2015

    Laylah,

    You mentioned “Star Trek”. I’m not a Trekkey, but my hubz is. Everything is an “anomaly” on that show. I can’t remember ever not tuning in to a part of the show while my hubz was watching it and not hear that word “anomaly” mentioned. The show is an “anomaly ” lol okay, I’m through talking to you for a while. Over and out.

  • anabellah

    May 17, 2015

    Oh, Laylah,

    About your husband seeming to have gained a greater appreciation of you, it sounds about right. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Furthermore, he gets a chance to see you from a different perspective. When a person puts their selfishness to bay, it makes a person see another side that is beautiful. Sure, you’re having a very difficult time right now, but you’re trying. You want to make it work. You’re making an effort and it’s a beautiful thing. coco wrote something that was spot on from, I think it was Rumi. Whatever hurts us blesses us. It went something like that. I can definitely get with the saying.

    If you’re mindful of Allah, you don’t know the amount of barakats you will receive and are probably already receiving. It truly is amazing. You think you live a “pretty charmed life” now. You ain’t seen nothing yet. It’s bound to get better, if it pleases Allah. Alhumdulliah. Just stay mindful of Allah. It’s the only way to get through this and be triumphant.

  • anabellah

    May 17, 2015

    @Laylah,

    I think you’re doing the right thing by not being bothered with her right about now. You have to concentrate on getting yourself right, as you stated. Don’t let that she said you are old get to you. It’s what all wives who are younger, whether it’s a year or ten or more say. It’s their ACE card. I know of one who was old called one who was older old. It was comical. I could see a 20 year old saying it to a 50 year old, but give me a break. Still, it’s funny to me simply because those who are young today are going to be “old” before they knows it and it’s going to seem that it happened overnight. Every human being was young once. It’s no biggy. Women, when they get that thrown in their face – “you are old” – need to say THAT’S ALL YOU’VE GOT. YOU CAN’T DO BETTER THAN THAT? The saying, “you are old” is old. When they brag and boast about their @$$ and how good it is to their husbands, it’s says a lot about their mentality. They don’t have a lot on the cap (brain). It’s what I’m talking about. It says a lot about the person’s self worth. Don’t let it get to you. She’s just hurting and want you to hurt.

  • anabellah

    May 17, 2015

    @Laylah,

    I know how difficult it is for a wife to digest that her husband pursued, proposed and married another woman. It didn’t sink into my head that it’s what happens, until wives who married 2nd and a fourth wife hit me with the reality of it here on this blog. It’s why it’s important that wives who married in all orders join us here and speak up. At one time the blog was accused of being a place for only wives who married first. Well, if only those people speak up what did they expect to get? I can’t make people come here and talk. Sometimes we just don’t realize until an outsider slaps us in the face with what really goes on that we get understanding.

    Some people think it is better just to tell people what they think the person wants to hear to pacify them. Some wives, for instance, rather hear someone say what a low down dirty dog the husband is to get with that low life, nasty, dirty, skank and she (the first wife) should just leave him because she deserves more and can do much better (Before anyone gets her panties in a wad about what I said, I don’t for a minute think all wives who marry in a number other than first are what I described above. I was just using an extreme case scenario). Those types of words really don’t bring much comfort, especially if you agreed with the person and then stayed with the husband LOL I’d rather know the Truth despite how much it hurts and it darn sure can hurt.

  • Laylah

    May 17, 2015

    @Ana
    This last post you directed at me is very interesting. For a number of reasons. Number one it’s so difficult to acknowledge to myself that he pursued her he married her he wanted her. All that is true. And yes she appears to be more invested feelings wise as time progresses. Something odd has happened though. He seems to be less invested as time progresses . He has gained a greater appreciation of me. That is what he says any way. You are right I don’t want to think of my heart as dark and diseased lol heck I don’t even want to think of her heart that way. You are right it is very difficult to see things from her perspective. I am too blinded right now by my own ordeal. I have tried to simply just leave her alone. Any communication between us usually degenerates into nastiness. I am bitter and she is smug. She has called me old and made reference to their intimacy and I… Well lets say I give as good as I get. So I figured the best thing that I can do for her is avoid direct communication. Try to stay as much out of their relationship as I can and just do what I gotta do. Right now my cup runneth over I am not looking for more hassles. When I stop to count my blessings I lead a pretty charmed life Alhamdulillah x you have given me alot to think about x

  • anabellah

    May 17, 2015

    @Laylah,

    I am happy to hear you had an enjoyable time with your husband and the blog was helpful in allowing you to vent some of your frustrations and feelings here. It’s what we are here for, in a sense. It why we blog with fictitious names. Blogging globally gives us an opportunity to meet so many wonderful people who share a commonality; they live polygamous lives or are about to.

    Based on what you have shared here we us, I tend to agree that your husband’s issues with his other wife are that of a relationship matter more so than an issue with polygamy. He did say his marriage to her was more of a sexual nature and it was what bonded them. They don’t have much more in terms of communicating with each other. Although she would now like it to be more, I suppose it’s difficult for her, as it is all she knows. I am familiar with people who have that type of marriage. It’s definitely lacking of any substance. It’s mostly lustful.

    When we hear women say the other woman should have known what she was getting into when she married a married man, it is something we hear often with regard to women who marry married men. I used to think the same about them. I don’t any longer. Those women only know what they signed up for in terms of finances, material things and time with the husband. In the case of your co her lifestyle was elevated by the marriage. She was able to receive an education. She was able to leave the home in which her brother who has a substance problem lives etc. Those are the type of things we probably could say, well, she should have known. Your husband is right that they had an agreement and he’s fulfilling his end of the bargain by accommodating her financially and with those types of resources.

    What we shouldn’t say she should have known, deals with emotions. Marriage is a special union that most couples bond in. We don’t take into consideration that an emotional attachment forms between them once married. The wives and husbands become emotionally invested. They live as man and wife and feelings develop. No one actually knows how things will be until they are in the situation, living it. They don’t know what they will feel until they begin feeling it. It’s the future that no one knows. Allah controls the love and affection in the hearts.

    I see now that she is living somewhat large (her standard of living has increased) she and her family want more. Allah says verily His servants are ungrateful. They are never satisfied. Many a person is like it. The only people who change are those who are aware of what Allah says and work on themselves to get a purified heart. You mentioned that me speaking of a dark and diseased heart sounds somewhat Star Trek. Maybe, however, Allah, in the Holy Quran, speaks of a “diseased heart” and about the downfalls of following lusts and desires. It’s far from Sci-Fi. It’s reality. No one wants to admit they have a dark, dirty, diseased heart, but we’ve all has got one. Some people’s are dirtier and more diseased than others. We can’t enter Jannah/Paradise unless the heart is pure.

  • Laylah

    May 17, 2015

    @ Ana

    I discussed what you have said with my husband. He agrees with you. And to a large extent has been saying the same thing for a while now. I don’t entirely agree with either of you. I think people should be concerned for each other. Yes Allah allows a man to be polygamous but the he has the responsibility to ensure the safety and security of his existing family through his life choice and the woman who is agreeing to be polygamous should on her side be aware of what she is getting into and also show concern for the family she is marrying into. Okay I will concede your point may be not the woman’s feelings because than their would not be polygamy but certainly placing a family in jeopardy or coming into a situation for your own benefit and screw every one else is the wrong attitude to have? I was raised by strong women who stand together and was taught that in a mans world women have each other’s back. That is why I reached out in many ways to this girl. I teach high school math and science and have mentored many young women. It could be my biases about this relationship but there is something about her not quite right. I can’t explain it accept to say I am a soft touch and I blame my husband more than her. I was open to making this amicable. But I don’t kiss as and I don’t beg for friendship especially from some one who has wronged me. You are right because I love my husband I will most likely try very hard to stay. Divorce is my last resort. And my husband says don’t consider her feelings she knew what she was getting into it isn’t as if she considered yours. Two wrongs don’t make a right. However you both have a valid point and that is I was already in this marriage. I haven’t wronged her. My husband says any way that he thinks the problems in their marriage are relationship issues. Not polygamous issues. Yes she would be happy if I left but it would be short-lived because how do you live with a miserable husband and consider that you have gained? It’s so stupid but I just didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be that person he was staying with because he really wants to be somewhere else. I mean his actions placed our marriage at risk. So I felt that he didn’t want this marriage. And coming from monogamy yes this is very hard to accept so its a double whammy. But I am seeing things a little differently now. I am very jealous. Of his time. I don’t much care if she takes his wealth as long as my kids are sorted. I don’t think I have a dark and diseased heart that is a little melodramatic Ana. You know star trek undertones! But I do essentially get that you are saying I need to work on my self. And turn to Allah? You are right. Easier said than done. But essentially true. Thank you. Spewing all this bile on your blog actually helped me have an enjoyable visit with my husband because otherwise it would have gone all over him. You know. I think the biggest problem is who do you confide in without placing your husband in a bad light? So thanks again x

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2015

    The husbands are really to blame, but the wives love the husbands. The wives don’t want to blame the ones they love. The wives don’t want to believe the husband pursued the other woman, made the proposal and married her.He was attracted to her for whatever reason to have taken such a monumental step. The wife puts blinders on about that part. She just sees another woman who invaded her territory. If only the other woman didn’t accept the proposal and marry her man. Well, heck, the husband got the ball rolling. I definitely see how it happens that the wife doesn’t want to place the blame where it should be – on the husband. She loves the man and doesn’t want to believe he loves someone else besides her.

  • coco

    May 16, 2015

    Ana
    Walaikumasalaam ☺️ I hear ya sistaaaa! Hmmmm I don’t know I know majnoom is hurting in a way no woman deserves to and her world has turned into a wrecking havoc but yes what can be done? Maybe she needs to sit down with a paper and pencil and jot down points. On one side of the sheet state things that pinch her about her husband and on the other side things that pinch her about the wicked witch co-wife she’s having to deal with. I’m quite confident that the list of things that’s bothering her about co-wife the “husband” will be the root of cause and solution to all those problems. A co-wife will only create problems for her co-wife if the husband doesn’t have the balls to tame the bit@h! Excuse my French! So who is to be blamed after all? Smh!

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and hello everyone, this wonderful weekend!

    @coco,

    Sis, I think you may have touched on something that I never considered. Perhaps English is majnoom’s second language and she’s not understanding us. Whatever the problem, as you stated, we’re not reaching her, not one iota. She’s firm about what she thinks. She thinks her husband needs to be just and fair to her in division of his time; ALTHOUGH, he says he can’t; he won’t and she can walk (leave the marriage). She’s firm in her position that the co is a wicked witch of the West, so to speak and the witch demands the husband divorce majnoom. Nonetheless, there is nothing anyone could do about the witch. The husband likes the witch. So

  • coco

    May 16, 2015

    majnoom
    I am not choosing any sides here I was trying to make you see Ana’s perspective more clearly and what she’s actually trying to say to you. I’m not sure if it’s because English is a second language for you or whether you refuse to hear what we are trying to explain but you’re clearly misinterpreting what is being said here. You are in a state of numbness and I don’t feel that any thing you’re hearing is appeasing you in any way so all I can do is pray that you find solace sister as I don’t think you are willing to see anyone’s point of view at the moment. Much love to you. xo

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2015

    @majnoom,

    I have not said a man does not have to fulfill his obligations to the wife he married first when he marries again and becomes polygamous. He needs to fulfill his obligations to all his wives.

    Your husband is doing his own thing – what he wants to do. He has told you he can’t do what you want him to do. You can’t make him. So, what do you intend to do about it? I can’t figure it out for you.

    About me having children, the reason I didn’t have any children and don’t have any children and won’t have any children is because I don’t want any children. I don’t like them. I don’t want them. I don’t want to take care of them. I don’t want to be bothered with them. I don’t want to babysit them. I don’t want to hear them. I don’t particularly like seeing them. Are those good enough reasons for you. Why do you feel the need to make me want what I don’t want? I thank Allah much that He has NOT given me any children. If anything is wrong with me not having children, I will account to Allah for it.

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2015

    @Laylah,

    You said you have considered leaving your husband so your co could have him as you don’t believe a woman should hurt another woman and your co is hurting. I don’t exactly know what you mean. There is nothing in Islam that says a woman shouldn’t become a part of a polygamous marriage if it hurts another woman.
    Why does a woman hurt when she becomes a part of a polygamous marriage? It’s a question every woman should ask herself.

    Allah permitted polygamy, which means polygamy is good. Why then does those women in it go through a thing in it? Did the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives run about talking about this one should leave the marriage because that one is hurt and the other one is hurt? I don’t think so. Life is not about us. This world is not about us. It’s about Allah. It’s what most people out there fail to realize.

    If a woman experience discomfort, hurt or pain while in a polygamous marriage, it is because of what is in her heart/soul. Her heart in dark and diseased. She is following the lusts of her heart. Allah says those who are moved by desire has a diseased heart. Allah says those who follow after lust will be lead astray. Your husband and his little sweetie have followed after lust. All they have in common is sex. He covered her up because she’s a sexy one and he thinks covering up is going to tame what inside her heart?

    The reason many women are in pain when their husbands become polygamous is because it’s not to the women’sliking. It’s not the way they want it to be. They think the men they married belong to them. They are selfish and don’t want to share. Some would rather not have a husband at all than to share one. For instance, she may say, let me get rid of him. I don’t want him. She can have him. I’m outta here. I’m not going to be bothered with this. They’d go without. They don’t want their husbands’ to love other women, nor spend their wealth and resources on other women. It’s what’s happening. It’s all about what the women want. It’s not about what Allah has decided. As long as a woman make it all about herself, she will suffered, agonize and be in a miserable state.

    Laylah, do you think by walking from your marriage you would stop the hurt that you co feels? You have control of her heart to remove the pain she feels? You don’t have the power to do it. Allah says each and everyone of us can bring no good or harm to ourselves, UNLESS HE WILLS IT. Allah is the One who has Control and Power. We don’t. So, you think you have to power to make her feel better?

    So, when you say you’re going to leave so your co doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t work that way. Nothing in Islam says that a woman should give up her marriage so the other woman in the marriage doesn’t hurt. Polygamy is about a man being married to more than one woman. It’s not about sparing some woman some hurt. The success of the marriages will depend upon each person’s belief in Allah. If the person has no belief in Allah the person’s marriage and life will reflect it.

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2015

    @Laylah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I read your story.The beginning stages of polygamy are extremely difficult. Going from a monogamous marriage to a polygamous marriage is a huge adjustment. It’s difficult because our society is primarily a monogamous one. We grow up thinking monogamy is the only way of marriage. The pain and heartache can be excruciating. It sometimes takes years to get to a good place where a woman is not in so much pain and heartache. One’s belief in Allah has a good deal to do with how a Muslim fare’s in polygamy.

    If you think it would be best for you if you ask your husband for a divorce, then you should do it. You say you don’t want her to hurt and you want him happy. She and he have let you know that were you and he to divorce their marriage would fall apart. On the other hand she said that there may be a better chance for her if you were out the picture. It makes no sense, as he already has let her know that he’d leave her before he’d let you leave.

    If you want to seek a divorce, do it for you, your sanity and the health of your baby. Don’t consider the two of them. They are in their lustful world and let them figure their mess out without your involvement, as best you can. None of what the three of you are involved in has anything to do with our way of life – Islam. It’s not about Allah in any sense of the word. Let them deal with what they’ve gotten themselves into.

    You need to figure what you intend to do – stay or leave. I have a feeling you will opt to stay, as you love your husband and you know he loves you. If you opt to stay, you’re going to have to get your life and marriage in perspective. You could read the posts on this site to help you do it.

    I realize now that I wasn’t far off in saying he married her to fulfill his lustful desires. Of course she benefited worldly wise as well. Her standard of living was elevated. I understand your way of life was elevated as well, once he got the job in Saudi. I know for a fact that the livelihood of people do sometimes become much better once the marriage become polygamous. Nonetheless, when someone does what Allah tells us not to do, the someone has problems. There are consequences for disobeying Allah. Now she and he have nothing in common, but sex.

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2015

    @Sis majnoom,

    Don’t worry about your email or personal information being revealed by me and I will not allow anyone to post anyone’s personal information on this site. I respect people and their privacy here and require others here to respect people’s personal information and privacy, as well. We blog with integrity here. Inshallah I’ll be back to chat later. I’m going to try to catch some more shut eye (sleep).

  • majnoom

    May 16, 2015

    Ses I get what u saying now I was just interested that if you weren’t pologomy yourself and set helpful site you would need experience as you haven’t gone through it go do you advis e by other people in experience because we know everyone did fferent I know its written Quran that pologomy no s allowed but if you follow strick guild line’s you can’t pick and choose Rul e i believe everything Quran and I read a lot of literature you are convert you still learning which is good I’m to learning but every where I read the nights have to be equal time spent with. Children came into the lives of that man before the miss come along so he is responsible for those children till eighteen financially and their needs iv given up my needs but it does not mean UV to take responsibility his obligations are doubled what u say is it does not matter if he throws his old obligations as long his new obligations are met it does not say that in Quran as for having children whether u have maternal instinct or not nobody are born mothers it grows on you husband and wife for creation of children whether mine turn out well look after me or not that’s down to Allah swt or turn against me iv taken that chance because Allah’s creation for marriage for that purpose not following Qur’an there are u its none my beeswax give point r u Afraid of gving it a try because that may happen its good your hubby raised and supported another women with children not many can do that thank you sis for motivatioon I did have some before I now have more about just thoughtl u might have been one is f those hypocrite s dish I t to out but would not allow it self aW of pologomy is pass to jannah not a guarantee would you not mind and co then ur career independent I hope emails address are no t revelad by Accidnt I don’t want revel my identity

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2015

    @majoom,

    I didn’t date my husband before we met and married either. A person I worked with and who worked with my husband someplace else introduced him and me. The co-worker was aware I and the man who became my husband were Muslims and were interested in finding someone compatible of the same educational level and social status to marry. The co-worker approached me and said he knew a nice person for me to marry. He approached my soon to be husband, as well, and gave him my telephone number. My soon to be husband and I met, thought it the right match and we married eight months later, as I needed time to plan the wedding, a formal reception for the next evening and a two week honeymoon. So it’s about as much as I can tell you.

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2015

    @Sis majnoom,

    I was never married before I met my husband. As I stated previously, I was never a second, third, or fourth wife. I was always and still am a first wife. My husband was married and divorced before I met him. I met my husband 3 years after he and his first wife divorced. He and his former wife had a amicable, very friendly divorce. They are still divorced till this very day and are still good friends. He helped her raise her three children that she had before he met and married her. So, no he did not divorce her for me because I did not even know him.

    I have no fear my husband will leave me. I know my husband loves me and I have no doubt about it. The problems my husband had with his former wife that caused the divorce, he and I do not have. No One but Allah knows whether a person will divorce or not in the future. If it happens to him and I, Alhumdulliah. I’m not thinking about a divorce and don’t fear one. If we divorce, as I said, Alhumdulliah. I don’t wrap my world around my husband or anyone else.

    As I said before, my life for the 5 and 1/2 years that I’ve had this blog, was an open book here for everyone in cyberspace to read until last August (2014). I spoke of the intimate details of my life. Many commentators here have been here for years. They know exactly what occurred in my life and my marriage. I will not go into any of it here with you or anyone else today because I’ve said to you people (envious, hateful people in cyberspace, including a person I was close to here on the blog and personally off the blog) revealed my true identity. I don’t know who may stumble upon this blog and know my husband and me, so I won’t go into details of my life. What I stated above is all I will tell you.

    Despite what you may think, I don’t side with second, third or fourth wives. I side with what is the truth and what is just and fair. I believe everything Allah says in the Holy Quran. I’m not going to refute anything that Allah says in the Holy Quran. I’m not going to go against anything Allah says in the Holy Quran. Allah allows men to have up to four wives AND it means there will be women who will marry those men as 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives. Those women have the same right to the men as husbands as the women who married those men 1st. Just because those women married the men 1st does not mean they are better than the women who married 2nd, 3rd, or 4th. They have no special rights that the other wives don’t have. They are equal to 2nd, 3rd, and 4th wives. Some women who married their husbands 1st don’t like it, but it is TRUTH. Allah decides who everyone will marry or if they don’t marry at all. Allah decided who our mates will be. He decided who are mates are. I can’t make it any clearer than I have. I don’t defy Allah.

    When I first converted to be a Muslim, I had a difficult time accepting that Islam permits polygamy. I don’t any longer. Allah says that we can’t enter Jannah/Paradise unless we accept the entire Quran. We can accept the parts we like and discard the rest. Even if a person never live polygamy in order to enter Jannah/Paradise the person better not have a problem with polygamy.

    With regard to children, children are no guarantee of anything. No one knows whether their children will be there for them in later years or not. I know plenty of people who are older and their children have nothing to do with them. Some children treat their parents very badly. Some children have abandoned their parents. So, don’t be so sure about what you think your children will do in the future because you don’t know the future. Allah could have your children turn on you. I’m just saying; you don’t know.

  • majnoom

    May 16, 2015

    Siste anna I read through post over and over Again and as I read it I get the feelinga very strong feeling that you yourself was either a second wife or your husband met you whilist he was with his first wife and the first wife left or was divorced by her husband because of you because you side with second wives more iv realised you say everyone has a right to your husband I then have a right on yours you say don’t want children nor does he but that sign of no commitment how do you not know that just as he left his previous wife he won’t leave you INA few years time you are strong willed but I don’t think you would be able to accept a co wife or any kids new or old you setting up this site telling first wives everything to put up with it why don’t you find your hubby a co a divorcee a widow to protect one by your own n choice tell me if you feel any different after that very easy for you to say all this when you have someone all to yourself
    Of
    I’m not saying this wrong way I’m just interested k

  • Laylah

    May 16, 2015

    Salaam every one
    @ Majnoom

    He met her in his shop . He and I are involved in community upliftment so he offered free computer classes. I noticed immediately that around men including my husband she behaved very inappropriately. I warned my husband about this. He said even though he is open to polygamy he knew our family is not ready. I have numerous small kids and was doing my honors degree. He and I are still living by his dad because he can’t afford to get us a place. His money was getting us groceries and my business was clothing the kids he and I were basically in rags. I still am. I know it is not right to focus on the dunya but a basic affordability is necessary I think. Anyway fast-forward he comes home and says he asked her parents if he could marry her. The parents said no. He is 12 years older and they thought she is not suited to polygamy. She continued to see him secretly he said he told her if he married her he would educate and uplift her. She said she would have sex with him. When I confronted her and explained that my family and situation was not up for this. She said she can’t be concerned with what I am going through she needs to do what works for her. My husband said he was lusting after her and she kept coming to see him even though her parents said no. He has to marry her or zina. So I said ok see each other in public spaces make things right with her family and go from there. I have daughters I wanted her family to be respected. My husband thought this was reasonable. This wasn’t certain enough for her. I later found out she insisted he must meet her alone at the back. After a few meetings they started making out. He said okay you are my wife and they slet together no nikkah no witnesses. Meanwhile I are allowing them to associate thinking they doing it in the open. Sorting stuff out with her family. It is very disrespectful to an existing marriage when I am giving all this leeway to essentially committ Zina within the marriage. Now he feels responsible for her. He can’t afford to give her upkeep but she insists. So he comes and confesses. She is very upset because by confessing he is saying he is not willing to risk everything for her he wants to some how retain his family. While he was having the affair he totally destroyed his shop. All money for food was coming from my tuition. He could not afford her. So my cousin at that time was offering jobs in Saudi. I got him the job. He married her before he left. Although they were regularly sleeping together in secret. On the day he left for Saudi she ran away from home and he started paying rent for her. He has been away four months. I bought my kids new clothes for the first time in forever. We have had exactly three paychecks. He is paying for her schooling from his new job. He came home to renew his work visa and has now begun on a polygamy schedule. I hope that clarifies things @ Majnoom x

  • majnoom

    May 16, 2015

    Layla salam you sound roughly the same as mfi th e beginning they willing to accept everything when they get the foot in the door they want push u out They feel threatened by your existence as fir lies yes believe my hubby was doing that rather he levelled me then make fake excuse e you don’t want me don’t have me don’t put your hand in two pies same time and at times he has said he regrets it by hhee has to get on with it now I mean its not a game you can’t. Just end it as for when she. Starts carrying firs t child then you will physically die with pain because u feel ur children neglected while u run around them all day while theirs two parent family but. The weird thing is sister you start this site but u not in pologomy how com?? Or did yours start like that

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2015

    @Laylah As Salaam Alaikum

    I read the first part of your post. I did TOTALLY misinterprete the other post. I am very sorry I misunderstood you. I will, In sha Allah, read your post later in the day. It’s almost 1 o’clock a.m. where I am and Fajr prayer is at 4:15 am. It’s coming in so early now. Inshallah I will read your post later in the day and respond. Thank you very much for correcting me. I’m so glad I was wrong!

  • Laylah

    May 16, 2015

    Salaam every one
    @Ana total misunderstanding! Hmmm my husband believes that some women find it easier to be in polygamy due to their temperament. This girl told him at the beginning she was one of those. And admittedly she appeared initially not to be phased. While he was in Saudi though she started to send him hate messages
    She wants to have a relationship with more depth. She is disturbed by my husbands and my friendship. We were besties long before we ever thought of marriage and we are distantly related as well. My husband finds this odd. He says he straight up told her he would never leave me. She told him that she doesn’t want that. He said to her theirs was a relationship of convenience. He wanted to know what it was like to be with other women ( he and I were each others first) and she wanted someone to take her out of her home that has a drug addict brother and his friends and to educate her which her parents were not doing. He says now that the disadvantage of doing things that way is after they had sex even before they were officially married it appeared they had nothing further to say to each other. This has led her to accusing him of just marrying her for sex. He says that was what he told her in the beginning. He does love her but some times doubts that he is in love with her. She senses this and asks all the time if he is in love with her. He always says yes he would not have married her other wise. Yesterday he messaged me and said that she wasn’t talking to him much. It’s almost as if they wait till night time and this was his first night he ever spent with her officially they sleep together and then they are at a loss what to say to each other further
    That makes her upset with him. Her communication with me conveys that upset. She tells him she doesn’t want me to leave because he told her if she tries to push me out of this marriage in any way he will divorce her immediately. Yet she tells me in messages that should sends to me that she would be able to look after him better if I decide to leave etc. My husband says she is struggling with sharing now that her status has been upped from quasi mistress the full on wife.
    So that is them. I was saying to him night before last that at times it really appears he bit off more than he can chew. He expected me to give him drama. I am super dramatic. Super romantic and though I am a Muslim woman by ideal was monogamy I never wanted to share him. I fell totally head over heels for him and up until now we had an awesome marriage. He did not expect drama from her because although he was not entirely upfront with me he made sure she knew what she was getting into because he wanted her absolutely clear on the fact that he would never leave me or his kids whom he adores. So he really doesn’t understand her acting out. He has improved her life immensely. He moved her out of her bad home. She is going to school. He fulfilled what she wanted. He doesn’t sit and discuss things with her though because she doesn’t want him to level with her. It will hurt her to be reminded of the very business like beginning of their arrangement. And she has sent her family to make more demands on him. Which he resents a little. Because I always keep my considerable tribe of a family at bay and out of my marriage. There is a definite space for family and it is not taking part with you in an argument with hubby unless in extreme cases as intervention. Your lustful comment is interesting. This is because remember hubby and I were stupidly naive people who really only experienced each other. He expected his relationship with his new wife to go as easily as our has Alhamdulillah. Now he tells me when he first slept with her he discovered she may not actually be a virgin which she had assured him she was. He has to now take her word that is the prophets recommendation but as a result she is more experienced sexually and has accused him of being a terrible lover and so on their first official night together he was excited to be with her but nervous also. He has put her in pardah because he says she lacks propriety regarding how to act around other men. I am not in pardah he made it my choice. He says that is because he trusts me to be chaste. Where as she offered herself to him at the back of the shop and he is nervous that that may translate into similar in appropriate behavior with other men. I don’t agree with him forcing her into pardah. I don’t like women to be oppressed in marriage because it is so easy to do. I misjudged it though because she is flattered that he did that. She thinks that it means he is very into her. He has also said he would beat her if she disobeyed him in any way. And she is flattered by that as well. This from a man who never ever laid a hand on me or threatened to in our decade of marriage. He says different women require different rules. For my part I told him if he ever laid a hand on me I would hit him back. I was raised that hitting a woman is not on!
    For my part in my relationship I don’t want to be lied to. He has lied so much in this scenario. He told me it was because he was afraid of losing me. I would rather he had leveled with me and done things more above board. But I also can admit that I most likely would not have been able to handle it and left screaming. He was right to be afraid. In our conversations together he says his and my relationship has more depth but physically he and she have a more active sexual relationship. When he isn’t having sex with her he talks to her about sex because he doesn’t know what else to talk to her about. He says that his and my experience of intimacy is different. Being emotionally involved instead of just the physical act makes an experience more spontaneous and have more depth.

    Alot of the time what he says disturbs me. I am careful to take everything he says with a pinch of salt. After all he has lies to me a great deal. And perhaps his negative comments about her are to make me feel better although I have stressed to him over and over I would rather he was open with me. I would rather be hurt with the truth than lied too. I cried all of last night because I was alone and he was with her. He phones to greet her because she messaged him last night to say he should. I can’t find it in me to interrupt them so I don’t message. And I would never ask him to call me. Even though I will wait anxiously to hear from him. Which I didn’t. He did message earlier in the day to find out how I was coping. He knows that this is tough for me. And at bedtime he messaged the kids. So anyway. I want to be with him. I love him. I love our family. I just don’t know if emotionally and spiritually I am strong enough for this. It bothers me that I am making his or her relationship miserable because I can’t seem to get with the program . Is it right to do that. That is why I offered to leave . I mean how long can this go on. My husband says if she left he could cope with that. But he can’t imagine life without me. And watching me suffer has made him feel that for my sake he wishes he never married her. But since he has can I try a little longer just keep trying. He doesn’t want to lose me or our family. So I keep trying. It’s really hard . I don’t think it is wrong to divorce a man if you can’t cope I mean Islam emancipated women by making divorce an option where other religions made it taboo. And for just about any reason. The Prophets cousin Zainub divorced her husband because she didn’t like the way he looked. What more if you are in a situation that traumatizes you. On the other hand you are right Ana Allah allowed polygamy. So I should be able to do it . I am so confused. And in a really bad space right now

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @Laylah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s nice to hear your husband returned safely and was able to spend his day of return with you and your children. I think a lot of what was said by us to majnoom would benefit you, as you are a newbie to a polygamous life. It is true that you need to be mindful of the health of your child right about now. It’s more important than what is happening with your husband.

    What you have said about your husband and his other wife is very disturbing to me. That you as a Muslim wife don’t find it troubling is a bit disturbing to me as well. You know that polygamy for a wife is not acceptable in Islam. Allah never said a woman could have more than one husband. Chastity and modesty is very important in Islam.

    Your husband has said some women are polygamous. Is your husband Muslim? Some women are trashy and gape their legs open to men who are not their husband. Is not acceptable in Islam. It’s acceptable to non-Muslims and non-Muslims do it with no shame.

    What type of woman has your husband married? He and she have said that she will not stay with him as his wife, if she has to have him all to herself? It sounds like a relationship based on lust and Allah tells us not to marry for lust. It sounds she does her own thing with other men on the side. You’re up there worrying about the pain that you may cause her by staying married to your husband??? Now-a-day, I don’t look at the women these men marry as much as I look at the men. If my husband marry a skanky, nasty, leg gaping ho, I’d look at him. He went and got with that skanky, nasty, leg gaping ho and it says a lot about him. I’d look to protect myself from him and her. You really need to think about what you’re dealing with and seek Allah’s protection from the two of them.

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @majnoon,

    Insha Allah, just read over some of the posts again and try to digest what you’ve read. Let some of what you’ve read seep in, and try to hear what we’ve said. Sometimes it takes reading a post over again a couple times or more, as coco stated, to really get a clear understanding of what someone has written.

    You are not going to be okay with your situation overnight. Nonetheless, you do need to try to have an open mind and listen to what others say to you who are trying to help you.

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @majnoom,

    I think you are seriously missing the point. No one is saying that you sit your children down and say, children, your father is a bad man. He hurts mommy. He doesn’t love you because he would be here with you if he did. Polygamy is an awful thing. Your dad has another wife and a child he loves more than you and blah, blah, blah. No one said you do it.

    We were trying to let you know that children can sense when their mother is unhappy. They have a radar that knows when something is not right with their mother and father. We are only saying you need to get yourself together. If you think you are doing good by staying with your husband because of the children, you may be hurting them more than helping them because you are not in a good frame of mind.

    I don’t have to have children to know about children. I was a child once, believe it or not.

    You say you believe in Allah more than anyone else here, then why are you so stressed. Don’t you believe Allah will take care of you, protect you, provide for you and all the things He promises a believer? Most of the people here on this blog are trying to grown nearer to Allah and accept what He has decreed for us. What are you trying to do?

    You ask can’t your husband speak plain English? Maybe he is speaking it and you just aren’t listening.

  • majnoom

    May 15, 2015

    I’m sorry Anna sister to butt you drove me to tears saying I raised my kids unreligious to hate their father and against I felt this comment was un called forall d and unn called for by coco to because I’m stressed because I’m trying to raise four kids alone but not stressed by the the fact he’s living with her and that was when I said that you can’t say something about raising children if you haven’t or don’t want any OK so Anna you are an only wife then technically your not sharing him ru my co has a sister if you interested ha ha I guess I would be more hurt if he strung me along you know sister a family member his told me the co having baby but no closeness between then just arguments all time and he said to me he sacrificed a lot but you can’t see it can’t he speak plain English

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @majnoom,

    What the heck are you talking about???

    Maybe some other people here have some advice for you that will be helpful. I feel as though I’m talking to an “Edith” all over again – banging my head against a brick wall.

    This is what it’s like talking to you Bash Head

  • majnoom

    May 15, 2015

    Thank you sisters especially coco let me get one thing straight I have never demented anyone or intentted to if you think it was directed to Anna she jumped from me to the misery of my children Allah my witness my children have never seen me cry over anything to do with my husband I don’t hate him I love him I am not greedy I am willing to share my husband but the co is not willing to play it looks like it OK you say co done nothing wrong 6 days to her 1 day here forget me aren’t my children entitled to see their father you say she not doing wrong she tells him even though she is living with him to divorced race me OK so am I stupid I’m not bitter but because iv not retaliated to the doubts she has put in his head the things she has put on social sites malign my name if not done anything but pray and v read on internet sites about rights on more than one wife and time seeks to outweigh everything you all get your fair share of time so our stories r kinda different your day ng she’s a saint she is not I don’t kind a co wife it will be two years now so we TS not fresh the resentment cokes from the fact that everyone needs a companion don’t they now and then I’m not bitter where you getting it from I don’t know how can get bitter i have faith in Allah always never doubt it I told many times if you want her have her don’t strong ng I along because no matter how hard truth I rather get to n with it then him pretend and coco you know Anna you would support I’m new here so why anyone support me you know sometimes I feel that I was not good enough I livw e for my kids I’m not hiding but hind them but alone I would struggle finan ially but most likely f all my kids losing a bond with their father I don’t cry over him on a daily basis no way I’m human everyone needs someone I said that you f I do d not have kids easy to walk why because in old age everyone be needs someone what u do then he said to me Allah is watching me leave it t to him if I m jot been BG real with that you

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for the super nice post! It is very helpful to hear from women who have raised children in polygamous marriages and were successful in doing so. I think you are nearly if not the only one here who fits that description, and has spoken of it from a positive perspective. Forgive me, please, if I’ve missed anyone.

    Children learn from their parents. As coco had mentioned, if the children see the mother upset, crying, depressed and sad, thinking their father has hurt their mother, of course, it will have a long term devastating, lasting effect on a child. The mother could say how okay she is all she wants to the child, but a child is not an idiot. Children know what time it is (as in what is happening in their world). Anyhow, thank you much for sharing from your personal experience.

    @Everyone,

    I’m trying to read all the posts and respond while doing some household chores simultaneously. So, please, I ask no one think I intentionally missed replying.

  • coco

    May 15, 2015

    Walaikumaslaam sister Ana
    Hehehe I’m glad I stopped by to read and voice my opinion just when it was needed… yes I knew exactly what you were trying to say and the way you put it out there was spot on. I think it’s just hard to hear the truth at times we all have these moments of madness that take over us we tend to skim thru the helpful points a person is making and jump on the negative to bite back with. Yes you weren’t saying she’s a bad mother at all in your words or tone neither were you saying her co-wife is good but rather that her husband wronged her, her co is doing what any co would do if the “husband” allows it. So the dart should be directed at the husband as opposed to the co-wife. That’s why I like to read posts 3 times just to be cautious to make sure I know exactly what a person is saying before I reply back. It saves a lot of misunderstandings and time. Smh xo ☺️

  • ummof4

    May 15, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Majnoom, I understand that you are in a lot of pain and confusion. If husbands are not honest and straightforward, many wives get upset. If husbands are honest and straightforward, many wives get upset. Polygyny is upsetting to most (99.9%) of women, regardlesss of how “religious” they may believe they are. Women often see the new wife as “the enemy” and forget that she is a sister in Islam. All of the religion and Islamic character goes out of the window as a wife tries to cope with the reality of sharing a husband. It will be rough for a while. But for anyone who puts their complete trust and faith in Allah, it can only get easier.

    Please read the book that is recommended, From Monogamy ot Polygyny: A Way Through, that is suggested reading posted on the side of the blog. And please stay with us. Many of us have been there, done that, and can help you through this trial.

    And by the way, I reared 4 children in polygyny who are now grown adults with their own spouses and children. I did not stay married to my husband because of the children,; I stayed married to him because he had done nothing wrong in Islam by marrying another Muslim sister who needed a husband as much as I did. I stayed married to him because I had no reason to divorce him. I stayed married to him because I put my complete faith and trust in Allah, and refused to let Shaytan(and humans who meant me no good) make me hate my husband or my Muslim sister.

    May Allah help us all as we struggle in this life, preparing for the next one, which is eternal.

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @coco, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Thank you my dear Sister for clarifying what I was trying to say. I clearly wasn’t doing expressing my thoughts. I certainly was not saying majnoom was being a “bad” mother at all.

    I was wondering if someone was going to jump in and help me out here. I wasn’t looking for anyone to side with me, but just to help me explain myself better. Others have been here on this blog long enough to know what my position is. When we all come together and use our voices we get through to one another better,

    I thank Allah swt much for you, coco, SIGH Sorrow

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @majnoom,

    It’s not that I or my husband can’t have children, we simply never, ever wanted any. The motherly instinct never kicked in for me. I’ve asked my husband in the past if he wanted to have children because I would consider having one for him. He said if he wanted to have children, he would have done so when he was younger. He was married before for 10 years and he and his wife divorce. He later met and married me. He said he with out a doubt, unequivocally, does not want any children. It’s not a matter of either of us having any medical issues or anything of the like. We simply and plainly don’t want children.

    No, there is no charge or fee to be a part of this blog. All the expenses for this blog I incur personally out of my own pocket. I ask no one for money. I like what I do and I pray Allah blesses each and everyone of us for being here and helping one another.

    I’m sorry my words hurt at times. I don’t mean to intentionally make you feel bad or anything of the sort.

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    majnoom,

    I think you are confused because you fail to realize a number of things and I don’t know your belief. I believe that Allah wrote the script for each and every one of us before we were born. He wrote who we would marry, how many kids we’d have if any, when each of us will die etc. Some people don’t believe as I believe and it’s okay. Some people believe they decide their lives and make things happen. So, you need to know what you believe. We’re not going to debate it here. Just figure out where you fall.

    If you are a person who believes everyone decides and makes things happen then you will continue to blame your husband and the other woman for the pain and agony that you feel. You will blame them for how your life has turned out. You in a sense are saying they have control over you and your life.

    A person who believes Allah is all Powerful, no one has power but Him and that He decides everything, will have an easier time accepting polygamy. It won’t be easy, but it will be easier. They will know that the man who became polygamous is so because Allah decided it and decided who each and everyone of his wives are. There is no one to blame but Allah. Allah is ALL Knowing, All Seeing, All Wise, the Truth and the only Reality. A woman who believes this will try to accept Allah’s decisions and accept whatever Allah wills. To be Muslim means to submit our will to Allah, which means we no longer have a will.

    Your husband probably doesn’t understand himself what is going on in his life. I think he is wrong to lead you on, trying to get you to believe that he is so unhappy and he doesn’t like the woman. He’s not doing the other wife or you any good by leading you to believe he is unhappy and doesn’t want to be bothered with her. If he feels that way and is going to remain with her then he needs to keep it to himself. He’s not helping you to cope better by telling you derogatory things about her.

    I don’t know what reason Allah has for having your husband in a polygamous marriage. Just like you don’t know what is happening with him and the other woman, neither do I. He could love her and as I said before just wants you to feel better, and make you think he doesn’t like her. Maybe he doesn’t particularly like her, but feels unable to leave. He needs to get himself together because, as I said, he’s not doing you or her any good. You don’t know what he is telling her either. He could be two faced and telling each of you what you want to hear. As I stated, he could be saying bad things to her about you.

    I’d tell you to stop wrapping yourself all up in him or you will drive yourself crazy, trying to figure it out. He’s not worth it. The fact is he is married to her and still with her. Try to get yourself right with Allah and continue to take good care of your children. Try not to focus on Him. You need to try your best to focus of Allah swt. He may have placed you in this situation so you will turn to Him and stop loving your husband more than you love Him (Allah).

  • majnoom

    May 15, 2015

    Look don’t get me wrong if can’t have kids I hope Allah blesses you with some but if don’t want any different story I forget is their a charge for this subscription cos I never saw any figures I needed advice and just poured my heart out to you sometimes you give sound advice other times its like your throwing stones at me virtually u do have humour give you that but sometimes you put the knife into deep you kill them with advice

  • coco

    May 15, 2015

    majnoom
    Sister I would first like to start off by saying that your situation must be very tough to bear right now and you may feel you’re being attacked at the moment but in all honesty sometimes when we are in a state of despair we need someone from the outside of the picture to shake us and give us clarity. I think you misunderstood what Ana was trying to say to you in my opinion she did not blame you for raising your children miserably or corrupting them against their father. But in all realness if your children see you crying in grief stressed out all the time everyday which I’m sure you are how do you think they will feel? Sometimes you don’t need to say anything but children are affected and quite deeply. I grew up seeing my mother unhappy and it has affected me and my sibling quite strongly there is damage when children grow up in a unhealthy environment. No one wants to see their mother unhappy it makes them bitter and unhappy too. I know you’re angry right now but sister you are clearly seethed in bitterness if you weren’t you wouldn’t go attacking Ana about not having children. You felt stabbed by the truth she’s trying to make you see so you thought to stab her back that is a reaction of a bitter person and very uncalled for. Are you trying to pinch her as hard as you feel pinched? She was just trying to help you genuinely she’s not attacking you not demeaning you she’s just laying out your cards on the table straight out but you won’t see her as genuine not because she isn’t appeasing you the right way but rather not in your way. Sister this is place that will help you get through the pain your enduring stick around and I promise you that you will see the light. inshAllah we are all here for you, to hear you, to get you through this horrible transition in your marriage but you must be able to at least give a chance to the sisters and listen to the ones who are trying to help you navigate through your grief. You are not alone majnoom much love to you xo

    The poison leaves bit by bit not all at once. Be patient. You are healing.
    Rumi

  • majnoom

    May 15, 2015

    I’m trying to say that if you say he cares about the other women why did he come back if its the truth that he is happy why make a headache for himself and come back why hurt her feelings and mine why does he keep saying how do you know I’m happy I’m just passing my time because of work there don’t you see I’m confused I need an outsider direct me he calls all the time then say why u not home I can’t figure if he cares for me or just a pretence

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    Did you ever hear me say there is something wrong with having kids? I have never said it. I don’t think there is any wrong with people having children. I simply said my husband and I never wanted to have any children and neither one of us has any.

    majnoom, there are many people who don’t like my style, attitude or anything about me. There is nothing I can do about it. I accept it. It’s life. I am who I am. I have this forum here to try to help people to cope with a difficult lifestyle that Allah permits. We are here to try to help one another. Sometime people are hurt by what they hear here. I speak based on what I know from my experiences and what others share here on this blog. I try to use the Quran as a reference as best I can.

  • majnoom

    May 15, 2015

    So if you all for Islam and that what’s wrong in having kids they are your pride and investment for this dunya and the next that’s the thing if never said anything to her said I hate her or did anything malicious she’s doing it she’s doing it

  • majnoom

    May 15, 2015

    I’m not attacking you for not having children I’m telling you not judge other people s children my children are happy have beliefs are religious you say they not I don’t want to hunt anyone down iv left it to Allah because I know I’m not wrong you say get stepping why so she can credit
    My h
    are work I’m not saying pologomy wrong its being done in the wrong way your altitude is very how do you say it rough any way forget it

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @majnoom,

    I’m sure that woman didn’t put a gun to your husband’s head and force him to marry her. He was a willing participant. You need to take a good look at your husband. He married that woman. Stop trying to place all the blame on that woman. I know it’s easy to do. Probably all wives in polygamous marriages have been there and done that. It doesn’t resolve matters. It doesn’t make anything better for anyone. Everyone needs to take a good look at what is happening in their lives, and try to be objective about it. Try to face the reality of the matter. Hating the other woman is not going to make a woman feel better. It’s not going to make the marriage better. It’s not going to make the husband love the other woman any less.

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @majnoon,

    I don’t get you at all. Yes, you explained to us that she asked him to divorce you and she continually tells him to divorce you. So, what do you want us to do about it – put a hit out on the woman? What can anyone on this blog do about it? I acknowledged that your co-wife seems to be a monster and she is a horrible person. I get it. What am I to do next – go hunt her down and beat the living day lights out of her? I’ve acknowledged your pain and agree with you that she is far from a nice person. What more do you want?

    The man who you are married to went and got that woman. He married that woman. He impregnated that woman. He spends more time with that woman (his other wife) than with you. He listens to her. Your problem shouldn’t be with me or anyone else on this blog. The problem you have is not with polygamy or any other person. Your problem is with your husband.

    Your husband has acknowledged that he cannot give you what you want and he has said he will set you free, but it is not good enough for you.

    What do you want? I am not a miracle worker!

  • majnoom

    May 15, 2015

    Don’t need your pity but you know n a pretty high your self have you notic d in all the posts if not once asked him to divorce her not onc e what right does she have to keep telling him to e force me man you total hypocrite

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @majnoom,

    If you want to attack me for not having any children, be my guest. I don’t care. It makes no difference to me. Fire away. It doesn’t faze me one way or the other. It’s okay. I don’t mind. Get it off your chest.

    The thing is, majnoon, you’re all sore and up in your feelings right now because the TRUTH hurts. Most people don’t want to hear the truth because they can’t handle the truth.

  • majnoom

    May 15, 2015

    My religion my beliefs are stronger than yours consider you haven’t raised any children don’t say I’ve raised my children with wrong beliefs OK don’t you dare I did not come to have to war of words with you and as for money he would not support the kids at all after divorce and the second wife issue the divorce my husband never mentioned it before in th lifetime I have known him we are not insecure for nothing I would never have that divorce name if she never divorced herself then wanted me to get divorced so she could take my place do YOU GET IT NOW and

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @majnoom,

    Look, I’m going to call it as I see it. If you came here to have someone side with you to make you feel better, I’m not the one. We don’t sit around here having pity parties all day and night talking about how bad polygamy is, what low down dirty dogs men who engage in polygamy are and what “gold diggers” the women who marry married men are. I trashed a post by a commentator who came here talking about what “gold diggers” women who marry married men are. She was probably the friggin “gold digger”. It takes one to know one.

    Your husband said he would set you free. He would divorce you, if you can’t accept the situation because he has no intention to divorce the other woman. He let you know he can’t do as you would like him to do. You are the one holding on despite what he has said to you. As I said, I think you only want to hear what you want to hear.

    You talk about how bad the other woman was because she divorced her other husband. Why shouldn’t she have divorced him? Divorce is permissible in Islam. What business is it of yours that she divorced her other husband? You don’t know what her marriage to him was like. You don’t know what happened in their lives. Who are you to say what she should have done with her life?

    You don’t own the man who you are married to. He does not belong to you. He had a right to marry the other woman and he has a right to marry 2,3 or 4 more, if Allah wills it. If you don’t like it, why don’t you get to steppin and stop hiding behind your kids as a reason to stay.

    I’m sorry, if you don’t like that I’m not telling you the things you need to hear to make you feel better. It’s not what I’m here for.

  • majnoom

    May 15, 2015

    Seriously anabella you speak from heart don’t you dare say I’m raising my children miserably for someone who chose not to give children have children a and benefit this ummah you make yourself
    Sound like mother Theresa as for saying I’m selfish I’m not selfish nor bitter never have been my children will never grow up miserabley you know why because I compromised my life so they could have an open relationship with their father so nobody could say they were without to keep my own honour to me from a divorcee name I never asked to be divorced she did from husband of 18 years with the same situation why then am selfish did I tell her to leave him she’s maligning my name time and time again instigating him against me right and you say he has obligation the obligation to me where’s that gone iv read the Quran say my prayers give zakat do charity do everything to please Allah set don’t u dare call me bitter I have never instigated my children against their father nor have I told them he has to tell them when they understand not so before you consider yourself judge and jury pologomy has to be done the right way now if your saying it does not matter why does it say in the holy Quran that it does I take my religion very seriously my kids mean every thing is o me she has much right my foot she is saying I’m taking her husband away from her if done nothing wrong your tone is upsetting me I needed your advice and your playing her as the victim Allah set did not say not to protect your old but protect The new that he will be judged harshly get your facts straight its true deceitfal people manipulative people always get their way I am neither of these so I can’t compete u are not in my shoes I came to you for advice I came to you for advice it also says people marry if they don’t have kids or the wife is sick or theirs another good reason not compulsory your rules ITS FiNE No mATTeR WhAt

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2015

    @majnoom,

    As I tried to explain, polygamy is not the problem. The people are. People make marriage (polygamy) what it is.

    Are you saying that Allah permitted something (polygamy) for men that is not good? Are you saying Allah is wrong for having permitted polygamy for men or He didn’t know what He was doing?

    Polygamy is a form of marriage the same as monogamy is. You should be grateful that Allah permitted polygamy or else you could find yourself divorced right now. Your husband could divorce you and go be with the other woman. How would you like it?

    If you think polygamy is wrong, you should think monogamy is wrong as well. Both serve the same purpose. Just like you married your husband, the other wife had a right to marry him, as well. What makes you any different than her? Why should you be with him and she shouldn’t?

    Were you selfish when you married your husband? The same reasons you wanted a husband and got married are the same or similar reasons other women marry the same man.

    Men can’t be the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). Everyone can only be who they are. Allah, HOWEVER, tells us that all of his Prophets are our example. How close to following the example of the Prophets one comes to is an individual undertaking. Regardless, the fact still remains that Allah allows men to have more than one wife and up to 4 of them at the same time. It doesn’t matter that there is no war in the UK or anywhere else the man lives. Allah never stated any particular reason a man need to have to have more than one wife. The rules he laid out for men and women to marry are the same whether he marries 1,2, 3, or 4. Marriage whether monogamy or polygamy is simply marriage.

    What makes polygamy not a full blown affair is that it is marriage. The husband has an obligation to the woman. It is a reason men are permitted to marry more than one woman so it is not called an affair. It is called marriage.

    You said if you did not have children you would not stay. It may be better for you to leave and have your husband continue to give you money to support them. You are not benefiting the children by staying. They see an unhappy mother. With your attitude and beliefs, you are only teaching them to dislike their father, dislike polygamy, and dislike their religion – way of life. If you wanted to do something good for your children you may want to leave the marriage, as it is not helping them to see you in pain and suffering all the time. You are bitter and you’re probably raising children that will be bitter and hateful.

    When you speak of selfishness and the other woman, you need to take a good look at yourself. When you point a finger at her, four of your fingers are pointing back at you. You have no exclusive right to your husband.

    There is a saying that I like, which is, “You could either get busy living or get busy dying.” You can make it your intent to try to accept this way of life that you are in and approach it with a good, winning attitude or you could approach it in a way that you have been doing and set yourself up to be in continued pain and agony the duration of your marriage, and raise miserable children. Which road do you want to travel?

  • majnoom

    May 15, 2015

    Pologomy does not solve issues it creates them the first wife accepts it for her children’s sake the second wife then competes for everything whilst it has been a life times work for the first to keep her family together sh gets in wants lov money everything this makes the old wife a lone parent and the second one priority their is no choice they r is no war in UK which leav s widows this is just pure a self ness on the second wife who wants someone else’s man th we men are no where near prophets standards make up own rules to suit them selves its like a full blown affair in front of your fac e but let’s call it pologomy I myself would never ruin a family you call it what u want when their is no equality theirs excuses that he can’t do this or this musil St be hard for him According to Quran says keep one no excuses what so ever AND if I Did not have my children my decision to stay would be different how is this benefitting anyone it benefits one at the expense of the old wiffes choldren

  • Laylah

    May 15, 2015

    As Salaam
    @ Ana this is such relevant post for me. I have been feeling really insecure about being the older pregnant first wife. Right now I am huge! And my husbands second wife is all svelte and yes it is so hard not to compare. Last night my husband came back from Saudi. Before he left he married the girl and now he officially embarked on polygamy. He spend the first day and night home with me because the kids would have been devastated otherwise. Then today he went to her. It was so hard watching him leave. I know I should not compare. I know it hurts more than it helps. It’s difficult to stop. I have a monogomast ideal. I love him but I would rather he were happy even if I am not. I offered to leave so that he could be just with the other woman. In my heart I know that is what she would prefer. Why shouldn’t one of us have it. Should the fact of the hurt and harm they have caused in my life stop me from this act of compassion? My husband told me ( I don’t know if this is true) that some women can only be polygamous. She is a woman like that. He would not be able to bear being married to her if I left. By staying I preserve his relationship with her. And he says she told him that also. If you allow Laylah to leave, I know you and I won’t work out? I am confused. I feel guilty spending time with my husband because I don’t believe one woman should hurt another even indirectly. She hurt me so badly with her relationship with my husband. Now that she is married to him my existence hurts her. Am I any better than she is if I continue in this relationship. And yet I want my new baby to be born in a marriage. To know her father. I received some upsetting news yesterday. The stress I have been experiencing has meant that my baby is not surrounded by enough amniotic fluid. The nurse told me I need to just put everything aside and make my baby a priority. That is what I have to do. I am a mother first. I pray for Sabr and wisdom and understanding and forgiveness every day.

    @ Mari you seem so bitter. I understand why. Believe me when do. It doesn’t help though. Take some time. Step back from your situation you will realize that you do your self more harm than good
    I don’t think Ana was being sarcastic. I think that she was trying to give you a different perspective so it’s easier to handle.
    My advice for what it is worth? Take a breath Allah in hu out. It’s time you and I re evaluate what is truly important. And is him having another wife more important than the fact that our kids are happy and healthy Alhamdulillah ? Ana is right there are worse things x

  • majnoom

    May 14, 2015

    Sorry sise you being sarcastic now I’m not going to kill myself leave my kids to that horrible lady I guess you happy in your world so you can’t see it my point of views if heard the news I don’t get half I don’t get a lookin I get the bottom of a barrel your saying its acceptable

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2015

    @majoom,

    You said your husband married another and then came back to you, pleading for you to take him back after he had divorced you. It’s not unusual that a husband will marry another woman and then go to the first wife and plead for her forgiveness and say he’s sorry and blah, blah, blah Bla Bla talking hand .

    It only really means that he never stopped loving his first wife or any other wife. He may simply feel the love more with some separation when he begins to share time between the wives. It basically shows a man could love all his wives at the same time. It’s not a matter of a man having to love one OR the other. He could love both simultaneously.

    The mere fact that your husband won’t divorce either one of you means he loves you both enough not to give either one of you up.

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2015

    @majoom,

    To me, it seems your husband is upfront with you and his other wife. He says he will NOT divorce either one of you and if either one of you want to leave, you both could. How much more straight forward could he be?

    You said he works a lot to take care of his families and he gets there to see you weekly. He is correct when he says some wives don’t see their husbands as much as you see yours. There are some women who don’t see their husbands for several months or more and when they do, it’s only for about a month, after not seeing them for several months. There are all types of arrangements married couples have.

    I understand that you are upset that you no longer have a monogamous marriage. Things change. Life is not always the way we’d like it to be. We must make adjustments. We have to play the cards we’re dealt.

    People complain so much about polygamous marriages. Allah tests Muslims and Punishes them. For some people polygamy may be a test and for others it may be a punishment.

    There are a lot worse tests to have than polygamy. All one needs to do is read the world news. There are countries that have been hit with earthquakes (Nepal is one) and tornadoes. People are homeless, living in shelters or God only knows where. There are war torn countries today with men, women and children who are displaced, hungry, dirty and sleeping where ever they can. There are women and girls being abducted by terrorist groups who are making them sex slave and marrying them against their will. There are boat loads of migrants fleeing oppressive countries and dying daily in the Mediterranean Sea the waters of Malaysia,Indonesia and Thailand. Yet, women in polygamous marriages who have husbands and life’s comforts complain that the husbands don’t see them as often as they’d like or they don’t have their husbands all to themselves and they want to die

  • majnoom

    May 14, 2015

    He did not want to give me divorce two years ago now that I’ve got another child he said he told the other one either one is not forced to stay nothing wrong in that he said many people have affairs see their wives once a month count your blessings I come every week I don’t understand one thing when he issue a divorce and married the other girl why did he beg me to take him back he said if I had married things would be more complicated my kids all at school I could manage then my little one not bonded with father as he comes down for one day the other girl can’t bear him coming down for that she had told him
    when she delivered an heir divorce your wife completey now he said I’d never do that what would my children do over my dead body would I ever do that
    T sisters I’m confused I can’t tell what this man is thinking I hope that he doesn’t leave m
    e in my
    60s alone I could not bear it

  • majnoom

    May 14, 2015

    Sister he’s not having a difficult time to please me I have no companionship he rings me a lot but our conversation isone sided I talk what my day has really been like he says he got and went to work all day that’s it to be honest with u I don’t know what to think any more he said to me that if I did not feel nothing for you I would not be making the effort to see you he works six days a week he has helped pay debt and worked to get better acomadation for children

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2015

    @majoon, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I agree with you that everything I said is easier said than done. It is how it is when it comes to most things in life. I never said what I spoke of in the post was easy. I actually said it would be a personal jihad, a battle, and a fight with self.

    You stated that you are the younger wife, which coincides with what I stated in the post above. I said just because a wife is younger doesn’t make her the better wife because of her youth. Everyone is young at a stage of his or her life. It’s not a biggy. It doesn’t automatically make a woman the more desirable wife. Men are attracted to all different types of women for various reasons. There is no one certain type of woman that ALL men desire or like.

    Your situation is quite bit different than that of the majority of women here. Most of the wives have husbands who are doing the right thing by them except for an annoying, simple problem or two here and there that they are having. Many are agonized by the whispers of Satan telling them they are not good enough and telling them what their husbands are doing with the other wives etc. Your situation seems to be a totally different type of animal.

    Your husband is having a difficult time making you happy. Although he says he wants to do things that would make the marriage more fair and just to you, he finds himself unable to. He has said he would give you a divorce, as he can’t fulfill your wants and needs. He has given you a way out.

    You can’t make him change. You are free to accept his offer of divorce. I know you love your husband and you have your children to consider. No one can tell you what to do. You have to determine what to do. You could either seek a divorce, and begin a new life without him or accept your marriage as is. It’s not an easy thing to determine. In actuality, I don’t believe anyone determines anything. Allah does. You have to see what Allah inspires you to do.

    If you have any questions or just want to talk, we are here for you. I’ll try to the best of my ability to answer whatever you ask.

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2015

    majnoom,

    Here is the link to your previous post and the responses to it: https://www.polygamy411.com/no-peace-in-polygamous-marriages/#comment-7238

  • majnoom

    May 14, 2015

    Sister I believe that everything you say is easier said than done I’m the younger wife the first wife the one that is coping with four children alone whether shatan whisper or not nothing in time keeping is kept fair time spent with children the other wife is his age materialistic not pious she divorced her long time husband to marry mine and hen me and him going through difficult time

  • majnoom

    May 14, 2015

    Salam sister I wrote to you on your previous post can’t find a reply to the post I need your advice about please can you help me