September 2015 Discussions

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September 2015 Discussions

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Polygamy 411 September 2015 discussions

polygamy 411 September 2015 discussions

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141 Comments

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2015

    This thread is now august 2015 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the September 2015 discussions and welcome in October 2015.

    September 2015 discussions are now closed. Please join us at https://www.polygamy411.com/October-2015-discussions/

    September 2015 discussions

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2015

    @Gail,

    Thanks for updating us. I was waiting to hear from you. Checking out nutrition, vitamins, supplements and herb can be a time consuming thing. I began watching a couple videos online earlier trying to learn the best and easiest way to take Cumin Seeds. There is so much on the internet. It’s a wonderful thing one doesn’t have to hit the library anymore unless one just like books. I like books as in going to Barnes and Nobles. A lot of people still frequent the library. There is one near me that I pass almost daily and a Barnes and Nobles nearby as well.

    Gail, I still wonder if being in another country for any length of time causes some serious illnesses. My hubz’s step-daughter lived in Egypt for a number of years and she’s got serious health issues. I think she’s got the stomach ailment that you have or something much worse. I don’t ask many questions cuz I don’t care for as in like the person.

    So, your hubz is talking again. I don’t know how you maintain your sanity with his inconsistencies. You’re a heck of a strong lady

    Well, I’m going to close this bad boy down and bring in October 2015. Catch you over there, Insha Allah. Peace! out!

  • Gail

    September 30, 2015

    Ana,
    I just wanted to stop in and give u an update.I have been so busy reading up on vitamins through food.I got my biopsies back from the Surgeon yesterday and my stomach biopsy was fine but I have inflamation on my sphincter.I am watching alot of You tube videos and researching on how to heal myself naturally.He also diagnosed me with gastropersis which is slow emptying of the stomach.It is a very horrible thing to have but I am don’t have it that bad because I can eat.I am feel very determined to find a way to heal myself through vitamins and herbs through the food source.I am taking alot of different spices since they have alot of vitamins and minerals.Hoping to see a change in the next few months.
    My FIL got his passport and he will be leaving soon! My husband is back to acting nice to me since Eid(go figure) I know the reality that come feb he going to have to make a choice between his parents or me and I am more than ready to let him do like Mari2 husband and just go with them.I don’t say that to be cruel or mean but I am really ready to just get on with my life.

  • anabellah

    September 30, 2015

    jasmina, WOW, that is cool. There are 3 of you. We hear so much about 2 wives. It’s seems peculiar when I hear of 3 or 4, as it’s just not that common 🙂

    What doesn’t make sense to me is when commentators say a woman who marries a man second is not compassionate and she hurts another Muslim (first wives), which is not allowed. It baffles me how those people think. Allah doesn’t contradict Himself. Are those commentators saying Allah didn’t know what he was doing when He allowed men to be polygamous and women to marry those men? It’s crazy to me.

    If they are so concerned about compassion then they should give up their husbands to the other women entirely or share a husband. Where is their compassion for the women who don’t have husbands? Compassion and not hurting another Muslim has NOTHING to do with polygamy. It’s an asinine way of thinking. It is grasping at straws to find a reason to say polygamy is not good and shouldn’t be allowed.

    I know you didn’t say something as crazy as it. I’m just venting to you about it. I hope you don’t mind. You sound to be a sensible person. What do you think when the commentators say such senseless stuff or does it make sense to you? – if you don’t mind me asking.

  • anabellah

    September 30, 2015

    I can’t access the BBC article that I read the other morning that answered why Saudi Arabia and the like aren’t doing more to help the migrants/refugees. My understanding is they are contributing monies to help the European countries, but won’t take the people in. Bureaucracy (Visas/permits/paperwork) is preventing them from entering those countries. It said the paperwork to complete isn’t readily available. It can’t be found. The European countries aren’t looking permits etc. They are just taking in Sh!t loads of people.

    I found an earlier article, however. It’s http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-34237175

  • anabellah

    September 30, 2015

    It’s okay jasmina LOL I just thought it looked funny when I saw it. It doesn’t look like any official news article I’ve seen LOL

  • jasmina

    September 30, 2015

    They have the links to the saudi government official statements at the top of the article. It was the best one in english i could find that made sense lol. No idea what they mean other than that they want to please fisabilillah and don’t wish to put it out there to the media, I don’t know alluhualem. i sincerely hope it’s true.

  • anabellah

    September 30, 2015

    Is that even an official news article??? What do they mean they don’t want to be boastful??? We’re talking an international WORLD crisis. Several European countries are involved here. We’re not talking a simple matter of feeding some people in a charitable cause. We’re talking International law.

  • jasmina

    September 30, 2015

    Yes it makes no difference what number wife you are. I was wife number one for a long time and then got divorced and years later remarried the same man and now I am wife number 2… well technically i am his 3rd marriage lol… In my mind I think I am his First and Last and that makes me happy. In reality the way that I felt before as number one and the way that I feel now is no different and it does not matter one bit. I like that you Ana said that the best wife is the one that is most righteous, that really had an immediate impact on that little lingering doubt in my mind that made me feel less than because I lost my post of wife no. 1, but really what you said is so true and that is what I want to strive to be. The most righteous.

  • jasmina

    September 30, 2015

    I’m not a fan or Saudi but with all fairness they have contributed in helping during this crisis in Syria and Burma. They have taken in over 2 million syrian refugees and over 500000 burmese refugees. They recently made a statement saying that they do not want to boast about their efforts to help as they are doing it for religious purposes which it’s odd for saudi not to be boastful but I really do believe it and if it is true may Allah reward their efforts as well as that of all the other countries that have supported our brothers and sisters in this crisis even if it is just one person that they help. I don’t know if i can post the link to this http://beforeitsnews.com/middle-east/2015/09/saudis-received-around-2-5-million-syrians-since-the-beginning-of-the-conflict-2516134.html

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2015

    And if you want to talk about selfishness and greed, this is off topic. All those Muslim migrants/refugees that are fleeing to Europe (almost 500,000 this year from Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan, and African countries and others), risking the lives of the men, women and children have to flee TO NON-MUSLIM countries for help and safety.

    Saudi Arabia, Dubai, Qatar, and United Arab Emirate (oil rich countries) won’t even allow their own brothers and sister in faith – “Musims” into those countries. It’s something to think about.

    Those Muslims migrants/refugees are fleeing from war and oppression imposed on them by “Muslims”. Muslims killing Muslims, blowing Muslims up, beheading them – all types of atrocities. Why???

    Allah says clearly, precisely, unequivocally, don’t divide our religion into sects. He says we are one brotherhood. The “Muslims” have turned their backs on Allah and ignored what He said. Looks as though He has ignored them as well and is inflicting some punishment on them. They aren’t migrating in the cause of Allah, so don’t get it twisted.

    Some “Muslims” don’t have a clue what Allah says because they never read the Holy Quran. They don’t know what is in it. It’s the word of Allah, but only a few know it and care.

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2015

    I must say I am so grateful to Allah that He gave us all this newer version of the blog. This newer version is 1 year and 1 month old. When I began the blog in February 2009, I was just starting out learning about Polygamy. I had very limited knowledge of it. I viewed polygamy from a wife who married 1st perspective. The blog was prejudice in favor of women who married first.

    As I already stated in the last post, it was the wives who married 2nd and the 4th wife who I learn a lot from and they were instrumental in changing how I see subsequent wives. There was the third wife from “Journey in Plural Marriage” (another plural marriage blog on the internet), as well, who helped me see differently wives who married men already married.

    I’m grateful that on this newer version of the blog we could see all wives as simply women/wives despite the sequence in which they married. If we are Muslim, we are all sisters-in-faith. We are suppose to want for one another what we want for ourselves. Most women want to be married and have a family. If it means we have to share for women to have a husband, then it is what we do. The person who is the better person is the one who is most righteous. It’s the only difference.

    I may come across a bit harsh to some of you. Perhaps one day I will be more gentle in my deliverance. Insha Allah, it will happen. I am not a perfect person, as you all very well know. No one is. I have my faults and flaws the same as anyone else. I just strive to be the best believing servant to Allah that I can be. We all have our personal jihad (battle). Our battle won’t be on the battlefield. It will be within ourselves. I believe the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was said to have said it (not in the Quran). It makes sense.

    I thank you all for being here and contributing. “Patience”, it means you too.

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2015

    @Patience,

    I’m glad you mentioned Mrs.2 and Nura. It was Mrs.2, Nura and KhadijahZ (4th wife) that I learned the most from about 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives. They are no different than wives who married first. They are women with the same needs and wants as a woman who married first. Their marriage is just as special to them as any woman’s marriage is. The men are the ones who go out and pursue those women. The men can do it, as they are allowed more than one wife. The women are within reason and right to accept such a proposal. The marriage is between the man and the woman. She doesn’t have to find out and consider the effects that it will have on his current wife and children. It’s something he should have considered. The current wife belief in Allah determines how she handles the matter and what she experiences as a result of it. Insha Allah, such a marriage would bring all the parties to the marriage closer to Allah. It will do it for the Believing person.

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2015

    @Lolly,

    You have been given a lot to think about. It’s best you just let life happen and not try to over think it. As Ummof4 said, you don’t know whether Allah has decided for you to be married in a monogamous marriage or a polygamous one. As she stated, let Allah be your guide. Don’t think so little of yourself. You are more than it.

  • Lolly

    September 29, 2015

    Jzk annabellah and ummof4 🙂

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2015

    Patience didn’t tell everyone that Mrs.2’s co wife (the first wife), according to Mrs.2 was always in the street, hanging in bars, and leaving her children at home. The husband was always chasing down the first wife, and going home to take care of the kids. He’d sometimes would bring the kids to Mrs.2’s house. She got tired of him not being there and always running after the first wife. She left the marriage for a better life.

    With Nura’s situation, she met the husband when she and he were working in Qatar. The Egyptian wife was always in Egypt, and didn’t want to move to Qatar. He rarely saw the Egyptian wife. He let the Egyptian wife know that he was going to marry Nura. The Egyptian wife gave her consent. She went on the honeymoon with Nura and the husband. The Egyptian then wife became jealous and envious. She decided to go to Qatar. She said she wanted the husband there with her all the time. The husband would sneak off to be with Nura for a booty call. The Egyptian wife then got pregnant. She moved back to Egypt and the husband said he was moving back to Egypt, as well. He told Nura that she could move to Egypt, but had to be a :secret: because she wouldn’t be accepted there. Eventually, Nura and the husband divorced. She moved back to the US.

    So, what lessons if any are for Lolly to extract from those stories? If she marries a foreigner such as a Pakistani, she is bound to be married for a Green Card/Citizenship. There are chances one takes in life. Life is not going to be a bed of roses for anyone. Allah says He tests people with one another. He says a Believer will not enter Paradise without being tested. He asked, do we think that we will be left alone in saying that we believe and that we will not be tested? He ask if we think we could have anything that we hanker after?

    Do anyone consider what Allah says? All we ever hear on this blog is I want and I need. I’m surprised Ruqqayah didn’t pop in to comment on Patience’s post. It’s usually the type of post that she chimes in on. “I want….” I need… I want… I need…. I want…. I need….

  • ummof4

    September 29, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Patience,it sounds like you have had a bad personal experience with polygyny and that’s why you are advising Lolly against it. Well, if everyone based their lives on the bad marriage experiences of others, no one in the world would ever be married. It seems to be part of the nature of many humans to always bring up the horror stories about marriage and neglect to mention the beautiful stories of successful, long, loving marriages. Some of these marriages are monogamous and some of them are polygynous.

    Lolly, make sure that you ask Allah for guidance. Ask Allah to send you a husband who will be a benefit to you in this life and the next, and you can be a benefit to him as well in this life and the next. Do everything according to the laws of Allah and Islam, not the cultural practices of a particular ethnic group. You may marry into monogamy or polygyny, only Allah knows what is written for you.
    Lolly, one last note. You mentioned that you had a lot of physical and emotional problems, which is one of the reasons that you were considering polygyny. Ask Allah to help you overcome your challenges and to feel better about yourself as well.

    May we all try to live our lives as Allah commanded us to.

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2015

    @Lolly,

    It is simply amazing that a woman can marry into a monogamous marriage and she is not required to give an explanation for why she married the man. She could marry him for his money, for his looks, for his strong beliefs, because she loves him or just because.

    When it comes to a woman wanting to marry a man who is already married, strangely people expect her to come up with an explanation for why. The same as you. You just gave us an explanation that was uncalled for. You don’t have to tell anyone why you want to marry a man who is already married.

    Allah in the Holy Quran tells men to marry the single, virtuous women. He didn’t say they have to be elderly, widowed, decrepit, old, fat, ugly, handicapped, or can’t get anyone else. Of course, it’s what some women want of their husband. Of course, she wouldn’t want her husband to marry someone whom he finds desirable.

    A woman could be laid up married with children, yet she is so selfish and greedy that she doesn’t want another woman to have the same. It still boils down to her thinking of her own wants and needs. There is no room for selfishness in Islam. Just the same as she is married, other women have a right to marry as well. Allah has allowed women to marry men who are already married.

    Until a Muslim woman can wrap her head around those facts, she will always suffer, be in agony and pain. She will not move forward in life and be at a good place. She will never have peace and contentment in her life that Allah promises a believer.

  • Lolly

    September 29, 2015

    @Patience

    Despite the difference of opinion I still value your advice, it was definitely food for thought

    You need to understand sis that the marriage situation will always be a catch-22 situation for me. Marriage is understandably scary for everyone, for a person like me it is 10x scarier. I’ve never really experienced normality, I was physically and mentally abused pretty badly as a child by so many people, including close family members and so-called friends. Spent my life just being told I was worthless, useless, never going to be anyone, never going to achieve anything. Sadly I began to believe it. I was overly-mollycoddled by my paranoid parents which – whilst it proves their love for me – never really allowed me to grow as a person. I’ve also never really seen a genuinely happy, successful marriage due to most of my family members being culturally backwards. Sure the marriages lasted but the wives always looked miserable and always seemed to have to sacrifice too much in order to keep their husbands happy. My own mother is the same. And I promised myself that I wouldn’t let it happen to me but boy is it hard to find even a westernised muslim man who doesn’t want a wife who is going to give sacrifice a lot for the sake of her marriage. .

    So I asked around on various other sites (sadly the only place I can ever seem to get some advice from) what could someone in my position do. The only two choices were remain single forever or become a 2nd wife. The first choice was definitely something I contemplated for many, many years but sadly I’m still human after all and as I get older am finding it harder and harder to control my… desires lol so marriage needs to happen otherwise I am most definitely going to commit zina at some point 🙁 and the latter choice – whilst it made the most sense to me – will also come with its problems. sigghh who knew something like marriage could be so difficult?

    anyways jzk again for your message and for anabellahs replies too x

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2015

    @Patience,

    You said Lolly’s feelings will change once she marries the man. It could apply to any marriage, whether monogamous or polygamous. Things change once people get to know each another. Things may change for the worse or for the better. Marriage is a challenge whether it’s monogamous or polygamous. No one knows what it will be like until in it. So what exactly are you warning her of?

    The examples that you gave of people from the blog are THEIR stories. It doesn’t mean it will be Lolly’s fate. In Mrs.2’s story she probably had a strong desire to marry the man. So, what? People probably did tell her not to marry him. So what? Just because her and Nura’s marriage didn’t work, doesn’t mean the same will happen for Lolly.

    You suggested that Lolly speak to other second wives before she commits to becoming one. Did Allah say to do such a thing? Allah says polygamy is a part of Islam. Allah only permits what is good. It alone should be good enough for Lolly to embark upon a marriage that is polygamous. There is no need for her to go talk to other women who married second. Their fate is not her fate. If it were everyone’s fate, don’t you think we’d know about it from what is written in the Holy Quran. It was good enough for the Mothers of the Believers then it’s good enough for any woman.

    What is eating at you that you have so much hatred in your heart for what Allah has made permissible? No one is perfect. Everyone has problems and everyone will have problems in marriages. This is not Jannah/Paradise, so why do you expect the condition of people to be the same here on this planet?

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2015

    @Patience,

    Lolly could expect to have opposition from non-Muslims and Muslims about being in a polygamous marriage. It doesn’t mean that she should care. In fact, Allah says don’t heed their annoyances. Don’t grieve over them. Not everyone Believe in Allah and what He says. Lolly would be doing nothing wrong in being willing to accept an offer of marriage from a man who already has a wife. She is only responsible for herself, not a co-wife. If every woman were to consider the other wife before she married the man, there would be no polygamy. Allah does not require a woman to get the permission of a wife before she can marry the man.

    As I said and will say again, if the wife is upset and can’t cope because the man has done something that Allah permits for men (become polygamous), then the woman lacks faith in Allah. She does not believe. She is an unbeliever. She hurts and is in pain due to her lack of belief and knowledge of Allah.

    No woman or man is responsible for what another feels in her or his heart. Now, if a woman goes to the other wife, slaps her upside the head, and call her an ugly itch because she married the woman’s husband, it’s a different story. But, for the woman to be psychologically and physically upset because her husband married another woman, it’s on the woman who is upset. She is accountable for what she feels. Don’t put that on the woman who did what Allah allowed her to do – marry the man. Allah chooses our spouses. If she has done something wrong, such as married the man for lust, then she will account to Allah for it, as we all will account to Allah for the wrong that we do.

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2015

    @Patience,

    My question to you is even if Lolly wants to be wined and dined, nice clothes and go to fancy hotels with her husband once she’s married, what is wrong with it? I do it and have always done it with my husband. I’m sure there are women who married in monogamy who want the same thing and some have it.

    Who is to say that Lolly won’t settle down with her husband and have children and take care of them and the household the same as any other wife? Do you know her future?

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2015

    @Lolly,

    I’m glad you discovered this site, as well. I’m so happy my reply was helpful to you. Please feel free to ask ANY question, anytime. Insha Allah, me or someone here will be able to answer.

    It’s funny you said people have hated you for years. So, you’ve got experienced dealing with such circumstance, as I have LOL. I was just reading in the Quran this a.m., Allah says don’t heed the annoyances of the unbelievers and the hypocrites. He tells us, as well, not to grieve about what they say. We must remember that many people hated all of Allah’s Prophets. When anyone stands for good/the Truth, they will be hated. If we could stay mindful of it, we’d be in very good shape. Allah say to ignore them, as He sees and knows all things. He will take care of the matter. We don’t need to concern ourselves with it.

  • Patience

    September 29, 2015

    Lolly.
    I will stick my neck out here and advise you not become a second wife for your own sake as much as anyone else. you think polygamy as an easy option a convenience where u dont have to commit fully to a husband a household chores or family. You seem to be just looking for a convenient past time to be wined and dined, new clothes, hotel rooms but not be repsonsible with the daily regular stuff. You say you expect problems from the family but you appear to not care about any first wife or possible children you are seeking what you want! You may think polygamy is an easier option for you right now, but once you commit your feelings will change no doubt about it. Once you fall in love with someone and that someone is preoccupied with another and the novelty of you has wore off you will definitely start to realize it is not all what it is cracked up to be. There was a commentator called Mrs 2 many years ago who was adamant to become a second wife, even after several people advised her not. But she loved the man who promised her everything when they married. After they secretly wed things went down hill and the marriage was full of lies and a backlash from the first wife. ultimately he was unable to give her the equality, love and attention she expected and she divorced him.

    Second wives often feel it isn’t their responsibility to think of the first family that if a man wants to marry them then to hell with everyone else he needs to deal with it. That is a selfish way of looking at things. Where is the compassion? Allah asks us to be caring and mindful of others If first wife is on board with this and is involved in the process then that is a different story go for it but even then there is no guarantee everything will be fine another commentator Nura from Qatar had the first wife on board, but then the first wife’s feelings changed after the marriage and it turned sour again to the point of divorce.

    Marriage is a challenge but a polygamous marriage is more challenging and you will feel things you never expected. Think about it ask second wives their views I sure many will say it is not an easy ride an given chance they would think again.

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2015

    @Patience,

    This is a pro-polygamy blog. I won’t post your comment. I won’t let you deter women from becoming 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wives, as you think women who married men first have some sense of entitlement and shouldn’t be subjected to it. I want all women who have an interest in living a polygamous life to feel comfortable and welcomed here at polygamy 411. There is no room here for the negativity and bitterness that you spew in your comments with reference to polygamy.

  • Lolly

    September 28, 2015

    @anabellah

    Wow sister I must really thank you for your speedy and detailed answer!
    It was a huge help to me and pretty much answered everything, thank you so much.
    I was really fretting about everything to the point where I was almost freaking out even though I haven’t even met my future husband yet haha this is just how my mind works I over-worry every little detail before it has even happened.
    Your answer made me see things clearly and yes I do expect a lot of opposition from his opposing family members but I’ve got good practice in that field – people have hated me for years haha

    Yes you’re right, most of this will boil down to the man I pick and what he can provide as an individual and if he cannot I can simply reject or negotiate.
    You’ve really put my mind at ease here sis, I’m so glad I discovered this site
    Jzk once again for taking the time to reply to me 🙂 x

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2015

    @Lolly,

    About whether your husband should buy your clothes for you or give you money for them – work it out with him. What works best for you and him is how you should do it. He could go with you, have you pick out your clothes and he pay for them. He could give you money to go get your own clothes. Thirdly, hee could pick them out, buy them and give to you.

    When my husband and I first got married, he picked out some clothes for me, purchased them, and brought them home. Yep, they all went back. You got that right. They didn’t fit and they weren’t my style. He could pick out lingerie, but regular clothes – forget about it. His intention were good. Needless to say, I buy my own clothes.

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2015

    @Lolly,

    I’d suggest you look into getting an apartment. A studio apartment or some inexpensive housing. You’re not going to be a mistress or a whore. You will be his wife, which means you don’t want to have to go to a hotel/motel for relations. It will cheapen your marriage to resort to such a set up. Insha Allah, he will be able to afford to pay for an apartment for you and if not, Insha Allah, he will be able to so with your help. Otherwise, you and he should wait till Allah makes it easier for the two of you. Sometimes you must put a marriage on hold until Allah give you the means to do it the correct way.

    You’ll be his wife, so you should want to meet his parents. If they are Muslims, there is nothing wrong with you having a relationship with them. They will be the grandparents of any children that you may have. Insha Allah, they will be Muslim/believers. If they aren’t Muslim, you shouldn’t want to spend a good deal of time with them, as their lifestyle is different than ours and they WILL lead you astray, if you get too involved with them. Allah says unbelievers WILL lead us astray. He did not say they may do it. Any way you look at it, you should meet them.

    You definitely do not want to be a “secret wife.” His family, including his wife should know about you. Make sure the man is willing to present you as his wife, at least to his family, which includes his wife. If his family are non-Muslim, they probably won’t accept you. Even if his family are Muslim, there is a good chance they won’t accept you. Many Muslim don’t accept the entire Quran (which polygamy is a part of).

    You will most likely meet with opposition from many, many, many people. You’re going to have to be strong. You’re going to have to keep your head high and no that you are a wife, no better or lesser than his other wife. Allah says the person who is the most righteous is the better person. Being in a polygamous marriage could be your test. Tests aren’t easy. If you have faith in Allah and are trying to serve and worship Him properly, He’ll take you through it.

    You’ll need a male MUSLIM representative to help you out with negotiating. Women can be very easy going and over look details. The Muslim Male should be someone who is a family member or friend who has a sincere interest in you and your well-being, not just an Imam. If you must resort to using a stranger Muslim Male, well, sometimes you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. It’s best that the male is with you from the onset of getting involved with a potential husband. You or the male should definitely check out the level of the man’s faith. Find out what he knows about the Quran/Islam.

    Try to stay away from foreigners, unless he is a Believer, unless you want to get involved in cultural issues. You want to avoid a foreigner who may just want you for a immigration. Be wise in your pickins

    I’ve got to run, but, will be back as soon as possible, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2015

    @Lolly,

    Alhumdulliah you found this site. I’m pleased to make your acquaintance. I’m so happy that more women who are considering marriage to a man who has a wife already are coming forward to talk. I will try my best to answer your questions to the best of my ability. Insha Allah. others will give advice as well. There was another sister-in-faith here earlier in the week, named Heart, who is considering accepting a proposal to be a wife marrying in the order of 2nd.

    First, about a “normal” marriage, there is no such thing. There is only marriage. The “normal” marriage is the fairly tale version. So, try to erase the concept of a “normal” marriage from your head.

    Many of the question you will have to figure out the answer with your intended. Many of the answers are relative. You could present to your potential suitor or your intended what you’d like to receive from him. He will tell you whether he can provide it or not. If he can’t provide it, you could refuse to marry him or lower your expectations from him. It’s what I mean by relative. It’s related to each person’s capability and what they are willing to accept. A woman can willing help to support herself, as well. The husband doesn’t have to pay everything. I think it’s better to get him paying as much as he can upfront, oppose to accepting that he pays nothing and then change your mind later down the road. Some women want the marriage and agree to receiving nothing because she just hears wedding bells. Later she realizes the husband is taking care of his other family and not her and she dislikes it. She then wants to change the game plan and it causes arguments and bitterness between the parties.

  • Lolly

    September 27, 2015

    Salam all, newbie here. glad I discovered this site. Been seriously contemplating becoming a 2nd wife for a while now. I’m 27 and quite innocent haha haven’t the first clue about marriage in general and been quite wrapped up in cotton wool my whole life so have so many questions to ask just don’t know who to ask.

    Came to the decision of becoming a co-wife quite a few years ago when I realised being a normal wife would just never happen for me. Everything from having to care for my family to anxieties and issues meeting new people have put me off the ‘normal’ marriage. I already know where to look for a spouse, my questions are:

    where does a 2nd wife meet with her husband when they want to be intimate, is hotels the norm? i don’t have my own house, i live in a cramped house with all my family so here is not an option and i certainly would not want to go to his home that he shares with his wife, how inappropriate. do you just spend your married life paying for hotels or does he purchase a home for you?

    same with finances. Islam says the husband must provide maintenance and clothing and shelter etc for his wife, so does he purchase these things for you or does he give you the money up front for it? i’ve already done the calculations and if he was to provide all of that for me it would be the sum of at least 10.000 annually. is that normal for a husband to give the wife? haha i told you these questions will sound so silly but i really want to know

    how much of his family do i have to meet? is it ok for me to never meet his other family, i would just find that too awkward, is it just the parents that you meet before marriage?

    um, i will think of some more questions later but please if anyone could put my mind at ease here with the ones i’ve already asked that would be great, jzk

  • Gail

    September 24, 2015

    Ana,
    Yeah for certain it was Pakistan that caused my health issues.I had severe stomach problems because of the poisoning and all the nasty water and food there as well.I lived on antibiotics for my stomach while I lived in Pakistan.I also believe stress and anxiety has played a huge role in my health as well and that is why I have just made my mind to be peaceful.I work and spend time with my kids and am focusing on my health.I am also big on vitamins and herbs.I feel like my main problem is acid reflux because it has burned my esophagus without me being aware.
    As far as my husband I have come to terms it is really over.I don’t trust him and haven’t for yrs.I loath his personality to the point I just can’t even stand to be near him.He is nothing more than a lying.cheating,thief,porn watching scum bag to be frank.I have seriously tried my level best to make this marriage work so I don’t have any regrets other than I should have gotten out sooner.I see everything crystal clear now.He just ignores me and doesn’t talk to me and at first I was upset but now I just ignore him and it is fine.As soon as his dad leaves I will bunk with my daughter in another part of the home and I will not have to see or deal with him at all.I am in hopes come next jan or feb he will move out and just go live with his parents.I have full intentions of moving on with my life.

  • anabellah

    September 24, 2015

    Gail,

    Gee Wiz, who would ever imagine going to to support group would make one feel more depressed than one already is? You may be better off not going unless your condition worsens to the degree that you’ll be like one of them. I’d imagine it would not be easy to continue your life any where near what is was and is, if you have to look at that everyday and you’re not at that stage, and hopefully won’t ever get there.

    I’m a firm believer in herbs and nutrition. From the time I was in my early 20s I took an interest in it. I was always in to health, beauty and exercise. I buy most my foods at the Whole Foods store, as you are aware. I’m big on vitamins, herbal supplements and herbal teas. Of course, now and again I slacken off a bit with my workout and stuff, but I always go back to it. I got my wali into health and nutrition when I first met him long ago. My mom is a big nutrition buff, as well. She looks super for her age. I thank Allah that He has given me her genes.

    Do your research online and learn as much as you can. As I said, don’t rely entirely on doctors. Hear what they say and do your research, as well. Allah heals.

    I keep wondering whether you having lived in Pakistan all those years had anything to do with the decline in your health. I hear many people return from countries like it and are sick for a while. Even when my husband and I came back from Hajj we we both were ill for a short while. I was just wondering.

  • Gail

    September 24, 2015

    Ana,

    I have been dealing with my stomach issues.I am kinda still in shoick but it seems my stomach is very slow to empty so the doc has said and I have acid reflux which has caused my stomach to burn so that is where my pain is coming from.Totally sucks I won’t lie.I joined a gastroparesis group and man it has made me more depressed.The majority of those people have feeding tubes.I just can’t imagine my life that way.I sure hope I don’t have to go down that road.It seems there is no cure for this illness however I have decided to work on my nutrition esp vitamins and herbs for the stomach.I am not anywhere near as bad as the poor people in my group but I can’t imagine not fixing this problem.I don’t know what has happened I hit 40 and damn is has been horrible for me.

  • anabellah

    September 23, 2015

    Happy Eid-Ul Adha All!

    Polygamy 411

  • anabellah

    September 23, 2015

    I want to share a little something with you here. Years ago I used to read many Islamic books other than the Holy Quran. Today, I predominately read the Quran. Years ago, I read in one book that Islam is going to rise in the West. I don’t know if any of you have been following the migrant crisis that is happening today in which hundreds of thousands of “Muslims” from Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, and African countries et. al. are fleeing in droves from those so call Muslim countries. Most of them are headed to Germany. They are traversing countries and numerous borders in route to Europe seeking asylum from oppressive regimes. Many are drowning in their perilous, arduous efforts to find safety, freedom and have hope in non-Muslim countries. It really got me thinking about how Muslims can’t find peace and safety in countries that are considered Muslim countries or predominately populated by Muslims.

    The very people who call themselves Muslim (ISL; Boko Haram; Al-Shabaab et al.) and are trying to begin what they call a “caliphate” say they are doing good and are not the mischief makers when in fact they are. Allah speaks of them in the Holy Quran. They think they are doing good, but they are doing evil. They are the mischief makers.

    As you all should know by now, very few people know Islam, as very few people read the Quran. If they did, they would know that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), his companions and the first generation of Muslim spread and propagated Islam. It is what they did. It was what they were meant to do. It was the mission that Allah gave them. It was not what we are supposed to do.

    There came a time when the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received the message, which is in the Quran, that we are to leave people alone and let them be. If they are non-Muslim, it is okay. If they are Muslim, it is okay. It’s not for us to force anything on anyone. A person is not supposed to force anything on a Muslim or a non-Muslim. Allah says He decided who will be Muslim and who won’t. Everyone is supposed to have freedom. They are to be free of oppression. Allah says there is no compulsion in Islam. It means to you your way and to me mine. Mind your own business. Do what you have to do and butt out of everyone else business. Of course, not many would know it, as they don’t know what Allah says, as they don’t read the Holy Quran or they read it and Allah won’t give them understanding because they read it for the wrong reason. They read it to find something corrupt in it or to discredit those who have the knowledge.

    I just thought I’d share that with you. Many “Muslims” the world over are suffering tremendously. They’ve turned their backs on Allah and Allah has turned His back on them.

  • anabellah

    September 22, 2015

    Gail,

    I’m so glad you wrote. I was just thinking about you, and beginning to worry. Silly me.

    I certainly can imagine how awkward it is between you and your hubz. Sigh. I wish I could say it would get better. Allah knows best what is going to happen. It’s good that you are at peace with it. Life isn’t what we’d write the script to be if we were the authors. We just have to roll with the punches. You’ll be alright. There is far worse things that could be happening to us. Every time I read about those migrants in Europe, I get disappointed in myself for not being totally grateful for everything I have, and for wanting more.

    Don’t concern yourself with being behind in reading the posts. Just begin from where you are or where ever. If any of us need to repeat what had already been said, Insha Allah we will.

    All is good with me. There is nothing much new and exciting worth talking about. I’m just staying busy and keeping it real. All is good in the neighborhood. LOL

  • Gail

    September 22, 2015

    Ana,

    I am so far behind on reading everyones post.I am feeling better I had stomach cramps pretty bad the first couple of days but I am doing much better.My husband is still acting like a jerk but I am ok with it.I have made alot of choices about where i want my life to go which had he not been a complete jerk i might had kept going on pretending for yrs sooo all is good.I am starting to feel at peace again even though he is still in the home.I decided as soon as my idiot FIL leaves I will I will share a room with my daughter and bunk with her.I am hoping he will just leave come jan or feb and be done with this mess for good.

  • fatima

    September 21, 2015

    Lol thanks Ana ur awsome!

  • fatima

    September 21, 2015

    Wow ana very good advice i agree with it and thankyou heaps
    If it wasnt for this blog site im sure alot of us might have gone insane or just given up, alot of women are in situations were they are stuck and no one to turn to for advice and help or support Im sure Allah will reward yy for staying strong and nkt giving up this blog

    Even after everything i dont have hatred for my co she is beautiful and i respect her and she is my sister in islam
    Im sure Allah will help us all

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    @fatima,

    Thank you for the quotes you cited. I really like them. It is true – especially the one about the truth leaving him with no friends. Allah even says in the Holy Quran that most people have a hatred for truth. People try to hurt people who speak Truth. I know it’s a fact.

    Again, your posts were awesome. They touch on what we’ve all gone through or are going through. Thank you for very much, as well, for your kind words. What you said means a lot to me 🙂

  • fatima

    September 21, 2015

    Sorry i didnt read ur other msg yet lol ill read then reply

  • fatima

    September 21, 2015

    Ana thankyou i appreciate ur kind words,

    I remeber being taught a saying from Imam Ali a.s our prophets cousin and son in law, that the truth left him with no friends. There is another saying by him
    If someone hurts you then dont be upset as it is the law pf nature that the trees with the sweetest fruits are beat the most.

    Ana alot may have said bad but you have touched and helped alot of peoples lives expecially mine, these people are quick to judge or stubborn or just dont have a proper understanding of life and things in general

    You should be proud of urself ana

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    When a woman gets closer to Allah, she doesn’t get so worked up about what she calls her “rights”. She knows that Allah is a JUST GOD. He won’t let any injustice happen to His BELIEVING servants. He has let us know how to resolve conflict in marriages. Sometimes what a woman may see as an injustice may very well be a test for her. Allah says He will test us. A husband who seems to be intentionally unjust, may be an unbeliever. Allah says an unbeliever can’t do any good. So, why expect justice from an unbelieving husband? Allah says He tests us with one another. Everything isn’t honky dory, piece of cake when we’re being tested. Allah is pulling the strings, so to speak. When a woman doesn’t know all of this or doesn’t BELIEVE, she has major problems in accepting polygamy and most of all she needs to learn more about Islam – our way of life.

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    @fatima,

    You’d be foolish to give up your husband for her or anyone else. Even your co said that he has been fair and just to both of you. Sometimes something may seem unjust for a while, but later it could turn around. Allah is the Doer of what He Wills. Keep your husband. He loves you, and doesn’t want to leave you. Don’t push him away. You’ve got a lot going for you. You are young and, Insha Allah, you could start anew. Don’t think that the grass is greener on the other side. All that glitters is not gold. Fight for your marriage. Keep your eyes on the prize though – PARADISE!

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    fatima,

    You have a very good attitude. Enjoy your children; don’t concern yourself about what others says about you (as difficult as it may be at times not too). I’m with you; I make the worship Allah my priority, so that I will have a chance to enter Paradise. Don’t listen to what people say about you that is negative.

    So many people have slandered me and badmouthed my on the internet. What gets me in the right mind frame is to remember how Allah’s Prophets were all abused and slandered. I remember what they went through. I’m a servant of Allah who is trying to serve Him. Of course, most people dislike such a person. If they loved me, there would be something wrong with me (I’d be an unbeliever like them) or else they are believers. Believers love believers. Allah tells us not to grieve about what they (those who reject faith) say. We should ignore them. Allah sees and knows all things. He’s got this. He will take care of them. The main reason He will take care of them because they reject faith. It’s the bottom line. People are going to reject polygamy. It’s okay. Just as long as you don’t reject it, you’re doing good. You’re way ahead of the game.

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    @fatima,

    I’m still reading your post. You shared so many words of wisdom in it, it’s difficult to comment on it all. I though it very admirable that you apologized here on the blog to your co-wife. It was kind and wonderful thing that you did. If she’s reading here, I’m sure it couldn’t help, but touch her heart. We all get angry, act out and do and say things that we shouldn’t. The important thing is the recognize the wrong, feel badly about it, repent and seek Allah’s forgiveness. We can’t say enough what we need to do when we wrong our own souls. I’ve read that when Allah wants good for a person, He exposes the person’s fault to him or her. It’s so we could work on ourselves and the purification of the soul. Women in polygamous marriage do some jacked up stuff. It’s bound to happen Sigh. The important thing is to keep getting better. We should always be getting better.

  • fatima

    September 21, 2015

    Haha too true Ana too true, i think at times we tend to forget that expecially when the most important things to you tht are in this temporary world are tested

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    @fatima,

    I was rushing before and failed to say Wa Alaikum As Salaam. You made very good points and I agree with you wholeheartedly with what you have said. You are correct as well that everyone who goes through dealing with polygamous marriages in today’s societies goes through an awful lot. It is all well worth it, though, for those who can hang in there with it.

    I just read again the other morning the ayah in which Allah asks us, Do you think that you will be left alone in saying you believe, and you will not be tested? Huh….

  • fatima

    September 21, 2015

    Absoulty, i just want to state so it doesnt look like im trying to be the innocent one , i to have made my share of mistakes yes anger and jelousy and frustration and losing patients to the point of wanting to throw it all away and give up has gotten the best of me at times just like i know it has for my co wife and for every human that would go through this

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    @fatima,

    I only read your first paragraph. I have to come back to read the rest. You are right. Any mistake that someone has made shouldn’t be held against him or her. No one knows whether a person has repented and asked Allah to forgive him or her. Sometimes people have to continue to make a mistake repeatedly and battle with themselves for a very long time before they can stop doing something they shouldn’t do. Allah says He is an Oft-Forgiving, Merciful God. A person is wrong to say someone has not repented just because they see the person still doing something that is not right. They don’t know if a person is battling with self, and asking Allah for help and for Him to forgive him or her.

    With regard to someone who commits adultery or Zina, the evidence one must have to prove it is so huge that it leads one to believe that Allah will deal with the person for it. If a person confesses to it or child was born from the relationship (not marriage), it’s a different story.

    There are some people who say a man shouldn’t marry a woman whom he has committed adultery with. I ask, why not? He’s just as guilty as she is. Furthermore, there is an ayah (verse) in the Holy Quran that says a person who is guilty of adultery or fornication is to marry someone similarly guilty. It makes sense that the man who fornicates or commits adultery with a woman should be with the woman.

    There are some people who say a woman should divorce a man who is guilty of adultery. Why? There are examples of Prophets whose wives were unbelievers, but they didn’t divorce those wives. All of Allah’s prophets are our examples. Those two Prophets remained married to unbelievers until Allah removed them from the marriages. Allah says no harm can come to a person from one who strays as long as the person does what he or she is supposed to do with regard to the worship of Allah.

    No, you shouldn’t want to hurt your husband. Yes, we all make mistakes and will continue to do so. Allah let’s us know what to do. He says a believer is one who repents. It’s lets us know believers will sin the same as everyone else.

    People need to use the Quran as their criteria and not what they thing or how they think things should be.

  • fatima

    September 21, 2015

    Salamu alaykum

    Unfortunantly for us people at the time didnt accept it so it had to be become hidden but one day in the future it will be exposed but i swear by Allah i never want my husbands reputation on the line because of his mistakes because we all make mistakes in our lives

    Everybody deserves a second chance,

    Idk if my co has knowledge of this but i was the one who helped to explain to the inlaws,my husband needed help i did alot of the talking and instead of it going well people disliked it and i got the blame and my reputation went on the line saying i was no good giving me a hard time expecially cause im a convert
    Saying wish i never let yu marry myson,shouldve listen to god and not let him marry you even though i have done so much and be through so much for him but i dont care what people say and think if yu believe yu r doing for Allah thats all that matters, anyways some people can easily find faults in others or assume and turning a 1ST world problem to a 3rd like these people who dont understand polygany god has aloud

    Speaking of making small matters huge i apologise to my co wife forgetting very upset and getting back at her on this website and not talking in person or on phone.

    The thing is you cant just go from monogamy to polygany just like that there are factors involved that make it take time and adjustingball sides need to do
    Seeing as permanant marriage wasnt a option at the time and also as a trial to see if this polygany would work to give an option if it doesnt until they get permanant marriage which most likely happen when we tell people which i dread but once its of ur back let them speak bad let them disown us who cares

    Life is hard but god has plans for his creation even though most people in my life have betrayed me or given me hard time at least i know Allah will never let me down or leave me stranded helpless

    Ive spent plenty of times crying its not easy going through everything but im not gonna let things get to me anymore, i need to look after me and my beautiful kids and just focus on whats really important the next life

    Everyine should know that polgany is mostly process and not something that happens overnight yu have to be patient and strong but dont lose urself in it like i did stay strong in who yu are dont let anything get yu down its not worth the stress

    If people around us were supportive if it was something common or accepted it wouldve made all of this easier , but i think god made this happen for us for a reason as i know husband and co never really appreciate me until lately after all tht i hve had to deal with because of them and him

    I am still young got married at 18 and now almost 5 years later i wont write my age yu guys can math it up lol, i could easily get a divorse but if i do then them getting married isnt gonna work the best and my husband wont let me leave
    And why should i break up my family something i worked for something i deserve because another woman who wants to give it all to my husband and was able to better than me because i was in a situation ehen we got married that didnt allow me too, its ok i just have to put my head up and be strong and do what anna said lol

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    Dear Gail,

    You out there??? I’ve been thinking of you and hoping you are okay. I miss you!

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    I guess when I was deleting some of those spam posts from Facebook, I deleted a post to fatima. Oh, well, Alhumdulliah.

    There is just so much wrong when it comes to “secret marriages” and “muta”. Those temporary “muta” marriages are the weirdest. Who made something like it up? Of course it had to be some man trying to get extra benefits for men. The way I see a “muta” marriage, it’s just dating and sampling people for a while and then moving on. It’s the same as unbelievers dating. It an innovation.

    It’s crazy for anyone to think that they would have any peace, tranquility and love in marriages that aren’t done properly. Allah has instructed us how to live our lives. There is no room to make thing up regarding it. There are clear, precise instructions.

  • ummof4

    September 21, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Marriam and Fatima,
    If you are co-wives, I believe this is the first time the blog has had co-wives on at the same time. Very interesting to say the least. However, it is not the first time that I have attempted to give naseehah to co-wives, both of whom trusted me to give them sound advice.

    All of us see situations from our personal perspective. As the saying goes, “There are 3 sides to every story, my side, your side, and the truth.”

    If Marriam was married as a secret wife, whether the husband committed adultery or not, it was incorrect. Marriages are supposed to be PUBLIC! When they are not, all sorts of problems occur.

    A question: if it is a mu’tah marriage, what was the reason for it not being permanent? Is there a pregnancy involved or were people beginning to talk about the alleged adultery?

    First step for the three of you- Marriam, Fatima and their husband. The husband should let the family and community know that he now has two wives. If this is not done, then you will continue to have major issues in your lives that won’t go away.

    May Allah help us all to obey His laws of how to live our lives.

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    A bunch of “Facebook” comments with links leading to their pages have come through that are suspect, so I’ve deleted them. Next thing you know we’ll have ISL recruiters here. SMH If it isn’t one thing, it’s another.

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    fatima,

    Everything is going to be okay. Just for now try to relax and calm down. Maybe him being away from you and not with you full-time is a blessing in disguise. Allah knows what is best for us. Sometimes we want things that are not good for us and the things that are good for us we don’t want. Take it a day at a time and don’t try to figure out everything. It’s too burdensome to do such a thing. Whatever is going to be in the future will happen whether you want it to or not. Stay in the moment. It’s okay. You’re going to be alright. {{{hugs}}}

  • fatima

    September 21, 2015

    Thankyou ana, god knows ehat i have had to put up with with tgis man wasnt easy marriage with him before her i was like a slave

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    fatima, please don’t miss my post to you below. We were writing at the same time.

  • fatima

    September 21, 2015

    Its not likr that,its somethibgs mucj more complicated tgat canbot bewritten out on internet anf some of that stuff she wrote was a lie and false if she knew the truth and remebered how i agreed to all of this so she could be with and to save him and everyone thinking bad of him, i only threatened to get my rights and fairness bacj but what woukd she kbow she isnt here to see and tgats why we both cabt assume on each other

  • fatima

    September 21, 2015

    Ana its me fatima the cancer onr same bday just changer enail wadnt planbing on posting but changer my nind when i saw this

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    Dear fatima,

    okay. Thank you for letting us know. We have to wait for marriam to confirm or deny. Based on what you wrote, you sound to be the co. Is it true that you have been blackmailing your husband, threatening to go to his parents when things don’t go your way? If you are so against marriam and your husband being together, why not be straight up with his parents and let them know what is going on instead of keeping secrets? From what I’ve heard you and he are deceiving his parents. If she is all that you said she is, why not be straight up with his folks?

  • fatima

    September 21, 2015

    And for a reply to both of them i eill get thwt deviorse that she wants me to get

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    Just so everyone knows, “fatima” who just posted to Marriam is not the Fatimah or Fatima~ or any other Fatima who has posted here before. It’s best that the poster try to select an uncommon user name, as it gets quite confusing when multiple people post with the same name.

  • fatima

    September 21, 2015

    Dear ana im that co

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    @Marrriam,

    Did you write a post that I must have missed reading some place or is this fatima your co-wife who has written to you here? I swear I missed something cuz I don’t know where fatima got the information, unless she’s making assumptions.

    @Fatima,

    Maybe you could fill me in. What is your frame of reference?

  • fatima

    September 21, 2015

    AT marriam before you go writing a half sided story which will not give you the advuce you really need, find out the truth of the situation and dont forget what yu did on yourside and all hurt you caused the husband and how ur only a temporary wife in muta which doesnt give you all the full rights even though the first helped for yu to get and the fact yu think the husband is giving his first wife everything when yu really dont k ow misleading these people and making urself look like u r very innocent

    Dont forget how good that wife helped you in that situation when she found out yu were a affair with her husband suggesting you marry him so yu both get out of ur adultery zina and helped you to convert to islam

    I wonder why is doesnt like yu very much at the moment with many lies and saying how the first wife had it all when the husband was hardly there for her and kids and was most of the time wit yu or at work or his parents and brothers how she was on tge side left hanging

    I suggest yu change your thinking and tell ur husband to figure out together because the husband has told his first wife plenty of the dutys yu dont do for him !

  • jasmina

    September 20, 2015

    Sallam

    Thanks Ana, yes I am just taking it day by day. I’m not sure, just he started to criticise me again and blaming me for a lot of things from the past which was very hurtful and started coming home late again and I didn’t respond in a very good way either so it’s just been back and forward attacking. Until recently where on his only day off from work he didn’t even bother to show up until midnight so I decided that I am done and just don’t feel so emotional about it anymore. I’m not even trying to talk to him, just want to avoid him. Thing is he acts like as if nothing is wrong.

    @Mirriam, it sounds like you have what you want now with hubby giving you your rights and like Ana said Allah is making up your time lost prior, take it as a blessing from Allah for your patience prior allauhalem.

    Seems like you are happy and in a good place with your husband, don’t ruin it. Don’t go telling his parents or sneaking around behind your husband. You are a secret now and its not easy but let it be him who tells them. i wouldn’t even mention his other wife in conversation, what for. She is digging a hole for herself so just let her. It’s very nice of you to be concerned for her, but there is nothing you can do. It’s not like your husband is being unfair to her, if he was that would be a different story and I would advice you make him be fair. If i were you I would be the best wife you could possibly be and just focus on building your love, friendship and bond for each other. he probably hears it from her every day so it would be a relief for him to be with you. That’s just my two cents.

  • Mari2

    September 20, 2015

    Mirriam and Ummof4,
    A good point from Ummof4. There is culture and then there is Islam. Err on the side of Allah and all the rights given to wives and avoid the cultural traps and parent worship. Allah will provide. Pray and remain diligent in His word. I will pray for you Mirriam.

  • ummof4

    September 20, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Marriam, I agree that there is nothing you can do to make your husband’s other wife happy. You are not responsible for her happiness. However, you are responsible for your own actions. Being a secret wife usually brings about numerous problems, some of which you are facing now.

    I would advise you to keep encouraging your husband to tell his parents about the marriage. He should not fear them, he should fear Allah. Marriages are nothing to be ashamed of, they are to be public. A Muslim should not be ashamed of doing anything that Allah made permissible.

    What will happen if you become pregnant? Will your husband tell his parents that he has a co-worker who fornicated and had a baby without being married? Will he claim the child as his own or act as if it’s just your child? What if you or he becomes seriously ill or has a serious accident? Will he be able to be at your bedside? Will you be able to be at his bedside? When one of you dies, will you attend the janazah or act as if you are strangers to each other?

    In some cultures, the greatest sin is disobeying parents or making parents unhappy. Muslims who believe this are committing shirk. Their parents have become their objects of worship instead of Allah. This is a grave sin and should stop. Culture and traditions should not be more important than obeying Allah.

    I have several questions. Does your family know about your marriage? What would happen if you told your husband’s family about the marriage since he is afraid to do so? Is your marriage a secret not just because of your husband’s parents, but also because it would affect your job in a negative way? How many children does your husband have with his other wife and how many children do you have of your own or with your husband?

    May Allah grant us all the ability to obey Him, love Him and fear Him and Him alone.

  • anabellah

    September 20, 2015

    @jasmina,

    I’m glad you returned and updated us. It was such good news to hear that you and your husband were doing better and it seemed it was going to workout between you two. What in the world happened that it went back to square one? It’s sooooo weird. He must have said what he perceive the problem to be. Didn’t he? He thought he was going to lose you, so he straightened up and flew right. To resort to his old ways is bizarre. It happens though.

    I can get with you wanting out of the marriage, if he is showing no signs of wanting to work with you to make the marriage work. It makes no sense for you to be unhappy most of the time with him when it seems it’s not going to get better. You’ve apparently been patient with him. He may very well get his act together again once he realizes you’re serious about leaving again or once you do leave. Allah knows best. You know better than anyone else what you need to do. When the time comes to act, I think we have no option, but to do what we are inspired to do. You’ll know when it’s time or not.

    The tea is not medicine. It’s a natural herbal tea. A sister-in-faith has been drinking it for over a week now. I didn’t pay much attention to her when she told me about it and said she had ordered it. When I saw her this past week and she had noticeably lost weight, I was sold. She said her stomach had never been flat. She showed me her flat stomach (with her clothes on, of course lol). I ordered mine, but it hasn’t gotten here yet. She gave me a packet the other day that I must replace when mine arrive. I made it last night and, Insha Allah, will begin drinking it around noon today, after I wake up. It’s 6:05 a.m. where I am, and I’m about ready to hit the sack (bed). My mom is selling the tea now. Last night, in the supermarket, she ran into a woman whom she knew who had always been fat, but with a cute face. The woman is fat no longer. She told my mom that she had been drinking and selling the tea. It’s been around for a while in other countries and just recently got to the States. I’m excited about it, as I’ve always been health conscious. It should help me lose these extra stubborn pounds and I’ll be too hot to trot – Insha Allah, before I go on vacation. Thanks for taking a look at it.

  • jasmina

    September 20, 2015

    Hi, I haven’t been back for a couple weeks, no problem regarding responding to some other posters, I hope they are doing okay and made some good decisions. I made it clear to by husband that I wanted out and strangely he was very nice for a while, he even took me out a couple of times in two weeks which is a miracle. But we are back at square one. So yeah I’m still determined to leave. we fight alot and he doesn’t really show signs of wanting to be here. It seems like he is forcing himself really. Anyhow that’s life I guess. So are you selling weight loss meds? I will look at the page now as I do need something to help with my weight loss.

  • anabellah

    September 20, 2015

    @Marriam,

    One other thing. You asked, Why won’t she just divorce him, if she is that unhappy? What reasons would you give for not divorcing your husband? I’m sure she could think of just as many reasons not to divorce him. You have said he is fair and just to both of you as much as he can be. He is a good man and a good husband. A woman would be foolish to divorce such a man. She has internal issues that she has to address within herself. Will she do it. Allah knows best. I don’t know how she see’s Allah and what the strength of her faith is, if she has any. Divorce is not the solution to all marriages when there are problems in it and all marriages have issues. It entails two human beings coming together trying to live as one, but they are two.

  • anabellah

    September 20, 2015

    @Marriam,

    You asked if there is anything you and your husband can do to satisfy his other wife. No. There is nothing you can do other than leave the marriage and she still wouldn’t be a happy camper then either. There is too much ugly in her that prevents her from being content. Desires rule people and it’s their downfall. She was happy when she was getting her needs and desires satisfied. She was okay with things when she was feeling she was the favorite wife, and was getting more than you. She didn’t care that it appeared unfair to you. Now that the shoe is on the other foot and she’s the one who seems to be getting the short end of the stick, she’s not happy. It’s selfish. There is no room for selfishness in Islam.

    Allah is in control. He decreed that she’d get what appeared to be more than you when it was happening. Now, Allah has made it appear that you are getting more than she is. A Muslim/Believer accepts Allah’s decisions with enthusiasm – whatever the decision is. Allah says to exercise patience in all that betides us. You hung in there and dealt with what seemed at the time to be an injustice. You seem to be fairing better than everyone else involved in the matter. Maybe in the past what was happening seemed unjust to you at the time, but it’s being made up to you now.

    To answer your question about her, again, there is nothing you could do to lighten her burden. She has to get herself right with Allah. You can’t do it for her. Your husband is the one who has to figure out how he will deal with her and his parents. Everyone has an individual Jihad. We each have a personal battle with ourselves. Everyone has to figure out their own trial, tests, and punishments. Allah says He tries us with one another. People who complain all the time about their rights, don’t know anything about trial, tests or punishments. They are just a bunch of selfish, greedy, me, me, me people. They can’t see past themselves.

  • anabellah

    September 20, 2015

    @Marriam, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I checked and saw that you had written once before on the blog in August 2015, so my memory is refreshed. There is just so much to address, as what you have described involves quite a few areas that many of us have discussed on the blog over the years. It’s not easy to know where to begin to try to help you figure it all out.

    You said you are a “secret wife”. It is part of the problem. You said you and he agreed to it because his parents were going to disown him, so to speak, if he married you. I could see that you would agree to it. It was beneficial to you in many ways.

    Unfortunately, you being a secret has created a problem, as he has to sneak behind his parents backs to have a marriage to you. Furthermore, he has to be subjected to the wife whom he married first, who wants to blackmail him by threatening to tell his parents about you, if she doesn’t get her way.

    He has become a slave to his other wife and to his parents. Of course, there is no way he will find any peace in a situation such as it, as he has made his parents and his other wife masters over him. It amounts to shirk (setting up partners with Allah and making someone else equal to Him). Your husband fear them more than he fears Allah. Allah doesn’t reward people with good for the wrong that they do.

    The manly thing for him to have done would have been for him to tell his parents that he is not doing anything unIslamic by marrying you and it is what he intends to do, then do it. If he loses his parents,so be it. His parents aren’t his Lord. He did not have to obey them by not marrying you. He doesn’t want to displease his parents, so he lies to them all along disobeying them. He has to be conflicted by it all.

    I could understand it hurts you to see the man whom you love, your husband, hurting. The thing is, which I’m sure you already know, you can’t bear your husband’s burden. There is nothing you could do other than to take the sacrifice and let the other wife rule, so he doesn’t lose his parents or ask him to stand up to the wife and his parents to be fair and just to you. You are a wife, not a dirty little secret. If he mans up and put Allah first, he may find peace in his life.

  • Marriam

    September 19, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum

    I am 2nd wife of my husband. He’s very fair in sharing finance, time and always there when we need him for both of us. I don’t have problem with my co but she may have problems with me but she doesn’t show it to me instead she gives hard time to my husband. My husband told his parents he wants to marry me but they didn’t accept and told him don’t call us mom and dad if you marry her. So to keep his parents happy we decided to have secret marriage. And I am happy with it and I don’t want him to loose his family for me. In the beginning my co was happy as she was getting more days and nights and he was taking all his income to her. Like she used to get 22 days and nights and all days off from his work every months as he lived close to his parents it was hard for him to give fairly. Now she has moved far from family and he can easily be fair and he’s being fair . We work together so I can easily see him more then her also I live close to work and she lives 1 and half hour away so she looses time as he travel. Now what she is doing is messaging my husband when he’s with me and says I will tell everything to your family. I am leaving the house,taking the kids. And she stops answering his phone replying to his messages. My husband he loves his kids and his parents he don’t want to loose them. We were very good in the beginning. We used to talk On the phones, see each other, go out for shopping and all that. As soon as my husband started being fair all the problems started. She started complaining he takes me to work, sees me at work, we work together in her days and she don’t get that. she even asked him how many times he does sex with me, she has gone too far. she don’t even do any of her duties, as I see him before work he askes me to cook food from him on her days. Is there anything that we can do for her to satisfy her? I don’t understand why she can’t divorce him if she’s not happy. I can’t see my husband suffering. He was with me just now it was my day and he left my house coz she said she’s going to his parents house and tell everything and show our pic. She went to my husbands phone when he was in asleep and took all our pic. Some were private pictures too. I don’t know what to do. And how to deal with this. Me and my husband are not getting any time with peace coz of her. thank you

  • anabellah

    September 19, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to Everyone

    I’m hopeful everyone is well and you all are having a lovely weekend.

    I want to bring to your attention that I have added a new page to this website. For those interested, the link to it is: https://www.polygamy411.com/weight-loss-with-iaso-tea/ .

    Peace to all. Good will towards men and more power to the people 🙂

  • anabellah

    September 17, 2015

    Gail,

    Pakistan has got sooooo many issues. Is there anything going well for anyone in that country? I read this article today: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-34272241

  • anabellah

    September 17, 2015

    Gail,

    I’m so happy to hear that all went well with the surgery. It’s a blessing that you found out what the problem is, and it’s nothing major. Nothing is worse than being involved with a bunch of doctors trying to figure out what’s wrong with you. I keep forgetting to ask my mom what her outcome was and I’ve been talking to her a number of times throughout the day. I’m spending more time with her. She came to my house yesterday. I’ve been so crazy busy and the time is just flying. I’m getting ready to run out now to take care of some business.

    I know you will be glad to get some semblance of normalcy back into your life. Your father-in-law must be super happy to be a U.S citizen now. I suppose now he could bring Pakistan over LOL I don’t know a whole lot about immigration laws.

  • Gail

    September 17, 2015

    Ana,

    I just got home from the upper GI Surgery and u were right it was really simple.I did find out what is wrong thanks G.D finally.My food is not emptying into my stomach properly.I am going to start medication today.I go to see the surgeon again on the 27th.I don’t know if my problem is long term or not but it seems it might be.I am just thankful right now to have a diagnoses and to figure out from here to get this problem under control.
    My husband went with me but he is very cold and distant today as usual.He was trying to be nice but that was just because he was freaked out about the surgery he did not expect it to be so invasive I guess I really don’t know.
    To be honest I blew him off because he acts like such a dushe bag to me.He could not even sit with me today he dropped me off an took his dad for passport pics so his dad could get his USA passport.
    I should not complain the sooner he gets it the sooner he can get the heck out of here.U mark my words I am never having these people back in my home.The entire lot of them are just nothing but creeps.

  • anabellah

    September 17, 2015

    Quote of the Day:

    “Stop expecting things to look like what we think they should be like and accept things for what they are.” Unknown author

  • Gail

    September 15, 2015

    Ana,

    THat is exactly what I am doing.I did the HIDA scan yesterday.The scan itself was very easy but they had to stick me 5 times to get an IV started which was not fun.
    I go back on the 17 for the upper GI and biopsy.It took 3 people to get my IV started even I have one great vein.I don’t know what the problem was but I will be drinking alotttt of fluid come the 17th.
    I am depressed i think because I am eating alot this last week.I hate being depressed I tend to eat like a pig.I have a craving for strawberry chicken salad tonight.I think I will eat a huge salad!

  • anabellah

    September 15, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All,

    One of our dear commentators “Heart” recently asked a question about jealousy that was very, very good. I’m sure many others here had wanted to ask the question, Her question inspired me to write a post/thread on how to control ugly jealousy. The link is as follows:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/control-ugly-jealousy/

  • anabellah

    September 15, 2015

    @Lady Wiccan Woman,

    I see now. I must got to your blog to read the quote etc. I just left there. I’m heading back to check the quote out thoroughly now, God willing.

  • anabellah

    September 15, 2015

    @Gail,

    I know you will be happy when the Pakistani drama is over. Enough is enough already. You just never know what may happen between now and January 1st though. Allah knows best. You’d do best to try to focus on your health right now. It is most important. God willing, you’ll snap back to the ole you sooner than later.

  • Gail

    September 15, 2015

    Mari2,

    I am also looking forward to getting my life back as well and not have to deal with any more Pakistani drama.
    Happy u r doing so well.

  • anabellah

    September 14, 2015

    Lady WiccanWoman Hey there you!

    It’s good to hear from you. I haven’t forgotten you by any means. In fact, every now and again I’m able to get over to the blog’s Facebook page and read see some posts. I don’t get there often at all, maybe once a month or so.

    Anyhow, I know how busy you are. Tell me about it. These days are coming and going so quickly it could make my head spin. I’ve been busy myself with new projects and keeping busy, keeping weird hours, getting my best rest after morning prayer and sleeping till noon.

    I am so happy to hear your marriage is strong and full of love. It’s such good news.

    I’d love to play. Feel free to post the quote here and I will email you (God willing). Please post your quote. As for the others readers and writers here, could they post on your blog, if they want to participate? I can’t post your email as it’s against the blog policy. They could click on your name in the “Recent Comment” section to be taken to your blog.

    Many hugs to you too, my dear lady Wiccan Woman {{{hugs}}}

  • WiccanWoman

    September 14, 2015

    *knock*knock*

    Yoooohooooooo, guess who’s here…!?!?

    I know it’s been awhile, but I haven’t forgotten any of you, my SisterWomen! Lot and LOTS of “stuff” has been going on in my life, keeping me beyond busy, but I don’t want to crowd you ladies with a selfish post — you know, all about “me, me, me” — so suffice it to say that I am busier than ever, and my Polyfidelitous Triad is going strong, and full of love. (But if you’d really like to know what’s been going on, just ask, and I will tell! No secrets from me! )

    However, my dear hostess, Lady Ana, I am writing for a specific reason. I was invited to participate in a wholesome, enlightening “Quote Challenge” on my blog, and I accepted. To participate, for 3 days in a row (September 13, 14 and 15) I am required to post a quote which is important to me, and explain a little about the quote and/or why I chose it. As today is day 2 of 3, I was preparing my post for tomorrow and suddenly was inspired to ask if I might include you and your blog as one of the last 3 I will invite with my final quote. If you choose not to play, I understand, just please let me know ASAP so I can decide who to ask as my last blog invitation. You’ve got my private e-mail address, so you may send your answer there… but I’d love to read a response from you when I wake up tomorrow morn!

    Many {{{HUGS}}} all around ~ your SisterWoman ~ WiccanWoman

  • Mari2

    September 10, 2015

    @Gail
    I pray your procedures go well and you can solve the mystery behind your gastritis. I think much of your issues may be stress related. Take Ana’s advice on divorce issue. You put in a lot of effort and gave up much for him and his family. Now is the time to seek compensation for your efforts.
    @Ana
    Yes I am happy. Doing well indeed. The peace I feel cannot be fully put into words. I tried my best to do the culture thing. As Allah created me, I just couldn’t make myself into a pakistani wife. M and I are doing well. He takes care of some bills. We talk daily. I can put my focus on Allah rather than be swept up in daily Pakistan family drama, and who said what to whom on any given day. I feel like he and I have our old life back. The one that existed before his mom arrived here a year ago.

  • anabellah

    September 10, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All,

    FYI: I moved the comment that I made about orphans to the newest thread: “Reject Polygamy Shows Disbelief”. I thought it to be the more appropriate place for it. Just in case you wondered where it went.

  • anabellah

    September 10, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaiku & Hello All,

    I’ve published a new post as a brief refresher/reminder. The link is below:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/reject-polygamy-shows-disbelief/

    Insha Allah, everyone will have a lovely day or night, whichever it is now in your part of the world. It’s 6:20 a.m., which is shuteye time for me. Good night, all! 🙂

  • Gail

    September 8, 2015

    Allison and Ummof4,

    Thanks ladies I am doing pretty well.I went to the surgeon today and he scheduled to procedures.One is to do a scope and take a look at my stomach on the 17th and the other is to check my gallbladder and make it contract.He said 15% of patients that have an ultrasound do have gallbladder disease that was not picked via ultrasound and he thinks I might be in the 15%.It totally sucks rotten eggs for sure and man this chest pain that I get with it is horrible but I now know i need to lay off the fatty stuff until after my procedures.

  • ummof4

    September 8, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Gail, thank you for your kind words.
    Keep your chin up and ask Allah to send you true guidance in your life.

  • Alison

    September 8, 2015

    Heeey guess I was away for so long a lot has clearly happened…
    Gail am shocked about the divorce happy no cancer..hope you well
    To the rest hope you all good much love

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2015

    My phone is screwy. Sometimes I use my phone to approve a comment. It then get unapproved while I’m scrolling through comments or somehow. It why someone may see that one minute a comment is approved; then it’s not there; then it appears again

  • Marie

    September 8, 2015

    Western Gem,
    It appears you have came here in an attempt to annoy and mock a group of Muslims. You have boasted about you “perfect” marriage. You have tried to make us ungrateful for the lives we have been given by claiming we will never have what you claim to have. You have claimed our husbands are not “true” men because they love other women. When in fact a “true” Muslim man is obligated to love the believing men and WOMEN. If a Muslim does not love the believing men and WOMEN, then they are sinful. You do not have too many years left on this earth I suggest you not waste them bothering us. Ill leave you with a few reminders

    In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful
    Time is witness that, surely, mankind suffers loss,
    except for those of faith,
    Who do good, and become a model of truthful living,
    and together practice patience and constancy

    And those who annoy believing men and women undeservedly, bear (on themselves) a calumny and a glaring sin.

    And serve Allah. Ascribe no thing as partner unto Him. (Show) kindness unto parents, and unto near kindred, and orphans, and the needy, and unto the neighbour who is of kin (unto you) and the neighbour who is not of kin, and the fellow-traveller and the wayfarer and (the slaves) whom your right hands possess. Lo! Allah loveth not such as are proud and boastful

    Believers, let not a group of you mock another. Perhaps they are better than you. Let not women mock each other; perhaps one is better than the other. Let not one of you find faults in another nor let anyone of you defame another. How terrible is the defamation after having true faith. Those who do not repent are certainly unjust.

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2015

    @Gail,

    Try to get some rest. Your health is what’s most important now. You have to be healthy and well for you and your children.

    My mom was having gastritis problems months ago. She went for a procedure to check things out. The results were good. I don’t know if they put her on any meds or anything. Initially they thought she could be lactose intolerant. Years ago she ended up in the Emergency room becuz of the pain. She thought she was having a heart attack. So, I have an idea what you’re dealing with. It’s painful.

    Gail, if he does divorce you, make you sure you include in the complaint the mental and physical pain you suffered dealing with him and the drama. Show that he’s been the main bread winner, so you could get good alimony. Try to get custody of your daughter. She’s old enough for the Judge to ask her which of the two of you she wants to live with. I think she’d want to stay in the States and not go marry a cousin in Pakistan to be a slave to her MIL and get beaten like a dog.

  • Gail

    September 8, 2015

    Ana,

    Thanks for the advice about waiting on him to file for divorce.It is sad he has come to this but I am doing good.I go to the surgeon tomorrow for my gastritis.I am so exhausted tonight.

  • Gail

    September 8, 2015

    Rabia,

    Welcome to the blog.I don’t know why Pakistani people esp the men are so ungrateful but for sure they are.Are u still with your Pakistani Husband or r u now divorced?

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2015

    @Rabia, welcome, 🙂

    I’m sorry to hear you got bit by one of those jokers. You need to know the condition of the people there in Pakistan and their way of life, which for most of them is not Islam. It’s the answer for why they do what they do.

    They aren’t grateful to Allah, so how could they be grateful to a human? People who fear Allah try to do good by people. They apparently don’t fear Allah.

    What you described of your marriage to him is typical, based on the stories we’ve heard here on the blog.

    Are you still with him? Do you think he will divorce you eventually ?

  • rabia

    September 7, 2015

    I would like to know why pakistani men so ungrateful. I was married to a pakistani man for 4 yrs come to find out later he lied to me about going to pakistan to marry someone else claim his father force him what a bunch of crap

  • anabellah

    September 7, 2015

    @Western Gem,

    You say you do not hate polygamy, but everything that you have said indicates that you do. About men not looking twice at women and that they found women to marry as 2nd, 3rd or 4th wives by looking twice, many women want to rely on it to make a man feel badly or ashamed for taking on another wife. My question is how do you think the man got with wives they married first? There is no difference. The same way men get with the women they married first is the same way they get with the women who they married 2nd, 3rd, or 4th.

    Women talk that talk about lowering the gaze to say a man should never have gotten another wife, if he had done what he was supposed to do by lowering his gaze. If he shouldn’t have the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th, he shouldn’t have the first either and there would be no marriage. Women look for any excuse to make polygamy out to be a bad thing and the men who engage, they try to make him wrong.

    Just like some men fornicated or committed adultery with the women they married after the first, he could very well have fornicated with the one he married first. Anyhow, it’s between the man and the woman to account to Allah for what they’ve done wrong. We all will have to account to Allah for everything.

  • anabellah

    September 7, 2015

    Dear Gail,

    Your husband is so wrong to blame you for the children having no religion or being what he calls, “an Atheist”. He married you knowing you were not Muslim and had no intention of being one. He didn’t care. You do not have to be Muslim. If he was concerned about having Muslim children, he would have never married you. He did exactly what he needed to do to secure his position and get immigration. He gave permission for you to adopt his and his ex-wife’s biological son. He took the son and daughter from their Muslim biological mother. He knew all along that you were raising the children to be inclined towards Judaism and he was okay with it. Didn’t he join in all the celebrations with you and the children? Now, he has the audacity to say you raise those children with no religion. He should be ashamed of himself.

    Gail, I am really very much surprised that he wants a divorce. I though he may have possibly married you for immigration status, but had grown to love you and wanted to live monogamous with you here in the States. Now, I’m beginning to see that he is the same as most of the other Pakistani men that we have been speaking about all along on the blog. To me, it sounds that he was just waiting to secure his dad’s citizenship and for the children to get a bit older so he could make his move.

    It’s very sad that he tried to turn your children against you – their mother after all this time. I could see your little genius son going off on him right now. Your children love you. It’s pathetic that he pulled a stunt like it. I feel for your daughter. Insha Allah, you could fight to keep her here. I feel for her being raised her in the States and forced into a cousin marriage in Pakistan.

    I’d suggest you let him do all the filing for the divorce and the work. You don’t initiate it. Ask the Judge for him to pay the attorney fees, as well. Put in the complaint everything that has transpired since you’ve been married. It would be nice if you had a copy of the post you wrote when you described how you learned he was polygamous. The post broke my heart. I wasn’t just in tears. It made me cry.

    Divorce is very hard from all I’ve known and heard of it. Just take one day at a time and stay strong. You’ve made it through all the craziness and survived this long. You can do it {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    September 7, 2015

    Western Gem,

    You fail to realize that many of the women here were in monogamous marriages with their husbands before their husbands became polygamous. They’ve experienced love with it just being the two of them. Once a woman truly settles into polygamy, the husbands and wives have a deeper love and understanding between them. Of course if the wife is battling with her husband and doesn’t like polygamy, she won’t have any tranquility, love and happiness in the marriage.

    How would you know any of it, if you’re in a monogamous marriage and have been for 42 years? You’re making assumptions based on what you can think of in your head. The women here have lived it. You try to minimize what the women here say and refute it when you have no frame of reference.

  • Western Gem

    September 7, 2015

    I do not hate polygamy.

    It is permissible within the framework of restrictions set by Islam.

    Of course, the Prophet was a true man. But he didn’t find his wives by looking twice on unknown women for whom he was no mahram. He did not look twice on them unveiled before marriage. Is the same true for the polygamous husband to women on this blog?

    I was simply answering the claim that love and romantic love is not all it’s trumped up to be, by saying that there is a certain kind of love that a woman who is married to a polygamous man, or a man wanting to be polygamous, will never know, and hence can not judge.

    Peace and blessings on you.

  • Gail

    September 7, 2015

    Ummof4,

    Western Gem had no right to attack u but I think she did because from what I have seen u and your husband have a really good solid polygamous marriage at this point in your life.I think u r wonderful and should be the poster child for a good wife.Not a good monogamous wife and not a good polygamous wife but a good wife that has went with the flow along the years.U really the example I myself have tried to follow but my husband way is different than yours and I my children are coming up.
    It has become painfully aware to me that my husband has a prob;em with stealing.
    He has stole from all kinds of places like walmart and pretty much everywhere I have figured out over the yrs.I feel dirty to admit this because I am so opposite and would not take a penny if it was not mine.I have raised my children to be the same even to the point that if anyone ask them if they need anything they are to say no they r good and thank them.
    Truthfully my husband is a disgrace to me and my children which has nothing to do with Polygamy.I am a firm believer that Polygamy can be beautiful esp if the wives get along.Life is meant to be lived in Peace and Joy and abundance.Logically speaking I can see where Polygamy can be a huge blessing through the children.I am so distraught that my husband has not turned out to be a leader and single handed destroyed my excowife and myself and our children.In my husbands case he has tried to make a world living in monogamy when he was suppose to be polygamous in my opinion.
    A husband has the right to remarry that is fine and I accept it but he does not have the right to destroy his wives and children and to divorce one wife with out the families permission.This is cruel to the family.These r just my thoughts.
    I really love how u and your husband have made polygamy work.

  • Gail

    September 7, 2015

    Ana.

    It seems to me Western Gem is not facing reality.There is no way I believe her husband has had eyes only for her for 42 yrs.Does everyone not have a first love.She acts like she wrote the book on love.Even more stupid what does she propose every woman that faces polygamy should divorce?
    From what I have seen I don’t think men are very inclined towards monogamy for the most part but thats just me.
    I have been doing alot of self reflecting over the past few days since my husband made it clear he is leaving me.At first I was shocked because I feel like I have done so much for him and his parents for him to abuse me in such a disgusting manor but now I am like u know what screw it if he can’t put me and his kids and our needs and wishes then it is past time he and his parents get to stepping.
    I am to the point I almost hate him now to be honest .He actually pulled the 3 little ones together and told them I am 2 face and I will stab them in the back(my own children)That didn’t go over to well because my 10 yr old(the genius child) became so angry he told him straight to his face yeah sure this coming from someone mom paid 1500 dollars to hire an attorney to keep from going to jail because u r a thief.Then my 10 yr old just kept going at him like an attack dog.My 10 yr old is very vocal but I never seen him just attack anyone like he did his dad.
    My husband accused me of the kids not having a religion and I am raising them like atheist and my son again said yeah sure dad where were your morals when u were lying and stealing.If this is your religion keep it I am fine believing on G.D and having morals.
    It is so sad but I am seeing through my children’s eyes that he has destroyed r happy home.
    What sparked this whole fight between my 10 yr old and his dad was he told my daughter that he is taking her with him and my 10 yr old took that as a personal attack.My daughter got upset and start screaming at me she is not going with him.She says all the time she is going to punch him in the face.
    I don’t know what the Heck has happened my kids are the most loving of kids u would ever want to meet but they have serious resentment that I never saw before towards their father.
    Anyway it is over between us.I am not going for divorce right now because I don’t have interest in remarrying and I want to make sure all assets don’t get split.
    My future goals are going to be to get a RV or travel trailer and travel the country with my kids.I will start this project next year.
    I feel my husband is an idiot and stuck in his culture.He don’t realize how much the kids and I have sacrificed to let his parents stay with us as long as we have.
    I truly think the day he walks out the kids will disown him.They already can’t stand him and I am going to be honest here I am not going to say he is a good person or even try to bring him up in their eyes.We all have seen with open eyes he parents and family in Pakistan is what he cares about but I tell u the truth.His parents are going to die and his kids r going to grow up and move on and marry and he is going to look back at us in a few years and then the idiot will figure out that he has nothing.I tell u the truth if he picks his parents over his children I will never encourage them to talk with him in the future.
    I am so over it.Time to move on.

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2015

    @ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I love and respect you and all our blog sisters here. We are all truly a wonderful and amazing bunch. I thank Allah much for our blog family. Alhumdulliah.

  • ummof4

    September 6, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and welcome to all,

    My dear sisters on the blog. I will not address Western Gem any more. She’s not worth my time. I don’t believe she can understand our way of life of Islaam. When we respond to her, it’s as if she is reading something else. She has blinders on that she can’t take off at this point in her life. May Allah help us all.

    Alhamdulillah we are truly sisters. When I was attacked by Western Gem, my sisters Ana and Marie came to my defense before I even had a chance to respond. We are a force to be reckoned with! May Allah reward you for your love and respect for me. I love and respect you as well.

    May Allah make us companions in the Jannah.

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I just asked my hubz about people like that “Western Gem” woman. He said he can’t make sense of it either. He said it’s like someone who doesn’t like milk, for instance, but the person go and drink milk everyday, when she has no need to drink it (no medical condition or such). SMH He said Allah placed so much on this earth that brings us joy, so why does the person gravitate towards something that’s upsetting to them or anger them and they dislike?

    If Western Gem is so happy in her 42 year old marriage (NOT), what was she doing here at a polygamy site for those with a positive interest in Polygamy?

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I hear you. Some people just can’t understand that there are people who are very happy in polygamous marriages. Once one get’s past the adjustment period and has the right focus (on Allah), it’s a beautiful way of life.

    I can’t see how “Western Gem” could possibly be content in her marriage of 42 years, but come to a website that is contrary to her belief and her life. I can’t understand for the life of me why someone who doesn’t like the lifestyle and isn’t living the lifestyle waste their time talking about it and thinking about it. It’s the strangest thing to me.

    I’m going to try to spend my life thinking, talking about and living what brings me joy. If I’m having a difficult time in my situation, I’ll try to find a way to make it better. I really think something has to be wrong with someone in the head to dwell on something all day and night that they dislike and is not a part of their lives.

    Perhaps it’s their agony that Allah put on them. I dunno.

    Mari2, you sound soooo happy. I’m happy for you. 🙂

  • Mari2

    September 6, 2015

    @ana
    May western gem enjoy her romantic marriage. While I am in a polygamous marriage and dealing with cultural stuff, I am fortunate that M is loving and as romantic as he can be. I’m not needy in the romance department. Been there and done that. If I had to choose between flowers and an oil change, I’d choose the oil change. So in my eyes and life, when M says he bought me a new pot to cook him some food, I see that as sweet. He’s practical and I am too. And we do take vacations. I plan. He pays part. And we enjoy. Life is not a Barbara Streisand song…you don’t bring me flowers.

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2015

    @Ummof4, As Salaamu Alaikum

    That person who calls herself a “Western Gem” (excuse my French because I know you don’t curse), but I don’t know why the crazy itch was here. She said she’s been married for 42 year in matrimonial bliss yet she’s trolling a polygamous site. Something’s up with that.

    Sounds like she hasn’t been any where or done anything in life either. All those things you described and listed in your post I do and enjoy with my husband all the time. I don’t know what she does with hers other than that they eyeball each other and express their undying love to each other.

    Every now and again some whack job pops up in here. It freaks me out SMH Is there a post out there in cyberspace that says crazies who hate polygamy come here, if you want to agitate someone? Gee Wiz…

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2015

    @Western Gem, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You are a very, very, very sad, miserable person. Your life is far from all that you make it out to sound to be and you know it. You are living in a dream world. You are searching for peace and contentment, but are trying to convince yourself that you have it. Perhaps you will find it one day, but you certainly do not have it now.

    You said, “A true man never looks more than once at another woman than his wife, mother or sister. So how can he love many women?”

    Are you saying the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) wasn’t a true man? You are as crazy as they come.

    Get to steppin. You belong at a polygamy haters blog with all the other women who say they hate polygamy so much; they aren’t living a polygamous life, but they can’t stop talking about polygamy, and putting their noses in other people business. Where is their life? Devoted to talking about something that they hate. Go there…

    Apparently you had a very bad time in a polygamous marriage or otherwise you are talking about something you know nothing about. You are here at this site for a reason and it’s not because you are in any type of monogamous bliss. It sounds that you are in a tremendous amount of pain. You want to talk about sad? You’re about as sad as they come. Good bye!

  • Western Gem

    September 6, 2015

    ASA

    The Prophet pbuh knew the kind of love that would not be shared, that was complete in itself. He lost that love to death. One day `A’ishah mentioned Khadijah in a way that made the Prophet upset. He told `A’ishah, “I have been granted her love (by Allah)”.

    The Prophet did not say the love for his wife took something from his love for Allah. No. He did not say that he should love his wife less so he could love Allah more. No. He said “I have been granted her love by Allah.” So, we understand that the love we find in our hearts has been put there by Allah, and it does not lessen our love for Allah, quite the opposite. And so has Allah proven the importance of love between man and woman that He has promised us to be able to love each other for etenity if we are lucky enough to reach Jannah.

    Ummof4, your post makes me sad. A long list of worthly pleasures, that is what you say you get out of your marriage. How sad. I too get the pleasure of saying salah with my husband and voicing my love for Allah with him. Every day. As I have for the past 42 years. And every day, my husband makes duaa and is gratefulfor the great love for me that he has been granted by Allah. Every night as we go to sleep, I get to go to bed next to a man who has just thanked Allah for allowing him to love and be loved by me. This is true love for me, not a sad list of holidays, cars and sex.
    And Marie – what you say about men also makes me sad. If you have only met men who have loved many women, then the men you have met have been crap. A true man never looks more than once at another woman than his wife, mother or sister. So how can he love many women? I hope Allah grants you happiness in your marriage.

    Ana: I did not say it is important for a man to only love one woman. But I said that a woman who lives a life with a husband who loves only her, who finds his love for her is complete, will experience love that a woman with a polygamous husband never can. The love that is equally invested, complete and pure, based on equal chasity and modesty. A love that says: My wordly heart is full of you. As my spiritual heart is full of Allah and nothing else, my worldy heart is full of you and nothing else, by Allah’s grace.

    Blessings on you.

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2015

    When I said perp, I meant she must be perpetrating a fraud in saying she’s Muslim. LOL

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2015

    @Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I was baffled by Western Gem’s comment and shocked. I was wondering how if she read much of the blog as she said, she got a “strong sense of sour grapes” from some of the ladies here. It makes me wonder if she was reading THIS blog. This blog ENCOURAGES women to love their husbands less and Love Allah more. Nothing and no one should be loved more than Allah. I’m with you when you said to her, ” I don’t know how long you have been reading, but you obviously do not read carefully or have a difficult time understanding what you read.”

    Then she spoke of the importance of a husband loving one wife and she being his all and all, so to speak. Does she know about our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) who was polygamous and he is our example? She has no clue that a man is capable of loving more than one woman and that Allah created men that way? Then she come here talking some straight up kaffur love – the type of love that will take a person straight to the Hell Fire.

    My priority is not to be plunged headlong into the Hell Fire. She talks straight up nonsense about some ideal type of romantic love and thanking Allah for having her love another person. She has no clue that we’re supposed to focus on Allah and not on loving some other person. She is definitely clueless.

    She said, “Salaam” and “Sukrun”. I’m thinking she said those words to put us to sleep. Her post sound nothing like what a Muslim would say that knew ANYTHING about Islam. I tend to think she may have been a perp (perpetrator).

    She needs to get her head out her tush it’s too late (the Day of Judgement).

  • ummof4

    September 6, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and welcome to all,

    Western Gem, thank you for your interest in this blog. I don’t know how long you have been reading, but you obviously do not read carefully or have a difficult time understanding what you read. As a Muslimah who is striving to please Allah and go to the Jannah, one who is striving to be a sincere believer, my priorities are set by what is in the Qur’aan. My priorities are not set by Disney movies, TV shows or romance novels. Therefore, any ideas or opinions that I have are from Islaam, Alhamdulillah (all praises are due to Allah).

    I will not sing the songs, “You Are Everything and Everything is You”, or “How Do I Live Without You”. And if my husband started to say or sing those songs to me, I would think he fell on his head and it readjusted his brain. My husband, I, and anyone who is striving to be a true believer has a goal of loving Allah more than ourselves, our spouses, our children, even life itself. Marie and Ana put it nicely and even wrote some ayats for you to read to explain why we believe what we believe.

    Sine you imply that myself and others will never experience true love, it is obvious that you do not know what true live is in Islaam. Many non-Muslims and Muslims do not understand the concept.

    In case you didn’t read some of my previous posts, I will list some examples of what I (and others) do experience on a regular basis in polygamous marriages.

    1. Private getaways once or twice a year on cruises to exotic places or all-inclusive resorts
    2. Surprise gifts at work such as Edible Arrangements
    3. Brand new cars because the old car had too many problems and the husband wanted to keep the wife safe
    4. Date nights on a regular basis, at least once a month, without any children around
    5. Massages on demand
    6. Sex on a regular basis that is so fantastic that no one has time to think about what the husband is doing with/to his other wife
    7. Full financial maintenance so that the wife does not have to pay any household bills and can do what she wants to do with her money
    8. Love notes, texts and emails
    9. Favorite meals cooked by the husband or meals at a favorite expensive restaurant
    10. AND WHAT IS MORE ROMANTIC THAN A HUSBAND AND WIFE MAKING SALAH TOGETHER, BOTH OF THEM EXPRESSING THEIR OBEDIENCE AND LOVE TO ALLAH, THROUGHT THEIR WORSHIP OF HIM

    As Ana has said, maybe one day you will experience the love of Allah that is better than any love a spouse could have for each other. And your husband will look into your eyes in your later years and say, “I am so happy that Allah has blessed me with a wife who loves Him more than she loves me, and a wife who encourages me to love Allah more than I love her. Let’s do our best to love Allah and obey Allah in this life, so we can be together in Jannah in the next life.” That’s what my husband and I say to each other on a regular basis.

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2015

    “Say: If it be that your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your mates, or your kindred; the wealth that ye have gained; the commerce in which ye fear a decline: or the dwellings in which ye delight – are dearer to you than Allah, or His Messenger, or the striving in His cause;- then wait until Allah brings about His decision: and Allah guides not the rebellious.”

    Holy Quran: Surah 9, ayah 24

    for those who care…

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2015

    Insha Allah, you all will bear with me, if I seem a little agitated here. Insha Allah, Allah will give me some patience and tolerance. I just have a difficult time hearing people talking about: they need their husband to take them to the hospital and they don’t want anyone else to take them, even if someone else is willing to, because it’s not their responsibility; they want their husband to do what he’s supposed to do; she wants her husband to take the other wife’s nights away till she (the first wife) can adjust; she need him not to take another wife now cuz she’s got medical issues and she needs him; she doesn’t want to eat alone or sleep alone and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and I want my husband to take me to the park and I want my husband to hug me and I want a husband to be goo goo eyed at me when I’m an old woman and he’s an old man – it’s all coming from Muslims. Sure, it takes time to adjust to a polygamous life – but PLEASE make an effort.

    Where is the reliance on Allah? Where is the belief in Allah that He will take care of you. He will protect you. He is compassionate God. etc. Where is it? Then when you put examples from the Holy Quran before them to help them understand, it’s as though they never read it or just don’t care.

    It’s okay because no one has to get it. It’s just put there for them. It annoys me though because I’m supposed to be with those who remind me of Allah. Only a few people on this blog does. For some reason Allah has me here on this blog and has it open for everyone. I feel compelled to do it and be here. Cuz sometimes I want to pack this bad boy up and high tale it out of here. I believe that Allah controls all things. He controls me being here, as well. I’m just putting this out there so maybe you’d get an idea of what I’m experiencing and going through.

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2015

    Western Gem,

    I forgot to mention what is most important. A Muslim/BELIEVER doesn’t care who loves him or her. She only cares that Allah loves her. Furthermore, when Allah loves his believing servant, He turns His creation towards the person. It’s beautiful. Her or his life is beautiful. She doesn’t rely on Allah’s creation to make her happy because Allah makes her happy.

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2015

    @Everyone,

    I screwed up a bit on the last post, as I didn’t proof it well before sending it. I just went back and changed one major mistake that I made. I made the correction and fixed it to say Allah only placed one heart in a body. I’m sure I’ve made other errors, but it was a major one that I corrected. I have a lot to do, so I wrote the post quickly.

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2015

    @Western Gem, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome

    Thank you for joining us. It’s nice to know you’ve been reading the blog. It would be nice for you to share something about your life with us, if you could.

    What you spoke of, “Western Love”, is not easy to explain when it comes to combining it with polygamy. I can’t speak for ummof4 or anyone else on this blog, as I don’t know what they’ve felt in life in their marriages or before converting to Islam. I can only speak from what I know personally.

    I know what it means to say love is overrated and is illusionary. As I said, It’s not easy to explain. I know romantic, western love. I’ve been there, and have done that. I’ve been in “love” a number of times over the years – the western version. I’ve loved the person and the person loved me back just as much. The love is really conditional love, as one is only feeling the goodness of it and the pleasure of it when the person is giving you what you need and want. It’s a Romeo and Juliet type of love or West Side Story.

    In polygamous marriages, it’s not a matter of some sour grapes with regard to the woman, as you put it. Be mindful, the romantic type of love doesn’t exit in societies that have arranged marriages, either. Those parties to the marriage learn to love one another. I’m sure in the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) days, the wives learned to love him and vice versa. It wasn’t love at first site. Those marriages were arranged by Allah for a reason and a purpose. Everyone’s marriage, regardless of who the person is, it is arranged by Allah for that matter.

    I believe polygamy is good because it helps a woman put love in perspective. If you read the Holy Quran, you will not hear any talk about any romantic love. People could love without it being a – I can’t live without you. I’ve got to have you. I live, eat and drink you. You are my life type of love.

    For some, if Allah places a woman in a polygamous marriage and her love begins to change for the man, it is for her good. Allah probably wants good for her. She begins to see the TRUTH about what love is. Allah allows her to see the truth. The TRUTH is that the Western, romantic type of love is not good.

    If one reads the Holy Quran, she or he would know that Allah says He has only placed one heart in the body. The heart is supposed to be completely and totally for Him (Allah). In a believer’s prayers he or she should say, “Truly, my living, my dying, my prayers and my sacrifice is all for Allah, Lord of the Worlds.” There is no room in the person’s heart for another when that person loves Allah. Allah says to remember Him, not to remember anyone else. He didn’t say remember your spouse. He says remembrance of Him is the greatest thing in life without doubt.

    Many of these people in romantic, western love remember each other, they DON’T remember Allah. Their love revolves around their spouse, children and what they love of this worldly life. As I mentioned, Allah didn’t put two hearts in one body. If you say He did. You contradict Allah. You either believe what Allah says or you don’t. It’s not for me to debate it with you or try to convince you. I’m getting tired of it here on the blog. If people didn’t listen to the Prophets, they certainly won’t listen to me.

    If you love your husband more than you love Allah, which means you’re thinking about, googoo eye your husband all day and night, kissy face etc. – you get the picture – you’re not thinking about or remembering Allah all day. It means you don’t love Allah. If your love is all about your husband, you’re in trouble -cuz doom awaits you.

    Even women who aren’t married are looking for the Western, Romantic type of love . What good is it? It won’t take a woman to Paradise. That type of love will prvent her from getting to Paradise because she has her priorities mixed up. The love you are talking about could just very well lead a woman or man to the Hell Fire.

    Most women on this blog who are trying to live according to the dictates of Allah still love their husbands – moderately.

    I know for a fact that Believing/Muslim women in polygamous marriage could have very good, loving and marriages with romance in it. They could love their husbands modestly and have joy in their hearts. They look in each others eyes, embrace, make good passionate love to their husbands, but they’ve got their love in the proper perspective. They’ve got their eyes on the prize – PARADISE. They love unconditionally, not a needy love, which most romantic, western love is. They have a love that is special, but most of all they love Allah swt with all their hearts, mind and soul. It’s what matters.

    In another post, I mentioned there are two reasons a woman accepts polygamy

    1) She doesn’t want to lose her husband and she deal with him being with another so she could keep him.

    2) She wants to accept the entire Quran because she knows she can’t enter Paradise unless she does.

    Most women I’ve heard from on this blog seems to fall into category number one. Those are the ones who are wrapped up in Western, romantic love – an illusionary love. They don’t know there is a love far better. Allah loves those who put Him before all else – before a spouse. Allah places joy in all aspects of that person’s life, including the person’s marriage, because of their love for Allah. Insha Allah, maybe one day you’ll experience it

    It’s the best I can explain it.

  • Marie

    September 5, 2015

    Western gem. Wa alaykum.

    Thanks for inputting. I know your question was directed towards ummof4 but I’d like to give my input. I think the reason why some women, including myself feel like romantic love is overrated is because Allah allows some of his slaves to feel a greater love, the love for their creator. That is true love and the only love that really matters.

    If a man looks into a woman’s eyes (in old age) and says she’s the only woman he’s ever loved, I can almost guarantee that he is talking crap. Men love women, full stop. It may be that he’s never loved a woman the WAY he loves her, she, if the man is polygamous is his favourite wife.

    I have and do experience romantic, sweep me off my feet, mushy love. My husband tells me all the time I’m the love of his life. (after Allah and His messengers). He thanks Allah much that He has blessed him (my husband) with a wonderful, beautiful wife (his words). BUT my husband has another wife, and he loves her.

    As far as a man loving a woman the same as a woman loves him, I don’t think it’s possible. Women, when their husband first becomes polygamous often say “if you loved me you wouldn’t do this” but he does love her, if he didn’t he would divorce her. Point is each person has their definition of love, it varies and changes over time and with different people. Bottom line is, if a person reminds you of Allah, helps you in the religion, makes dua for you ect. Then they love you. It’s better to love and be loved in that way than any other.

  • Western Gem

    September 5, 2015

    Salaam

    I have read now much on this blog, I have learned much, shukran.

    I have a question.

    When Ummof4 and other women here say: Love is not all it’s trumped up to be. Romantic love is an illusion, it’s not all that! etc.

    May it not be, that these women have never experienced it, and hence choose to believe it does not exist?
    Ummof4 tells us that even the period when her husband has been monogamous, she has known that he is willing to be polygamous. So she has never experienced what it is like to be married to a man who loves her completely, who is equally invested in her, who would never dream of putting another woman beside her, who sees his love for her as complete, unique and holy?

    I get a strong sense of “sour grapes” when I see women here say romantic love is overrated. No woman with a polygamous husband will ever in her old age have her husband look into her eyes and say “I never loved any woman but you. You are the love of my life. I thank Allah for allowing me to love you the same way you love me”. Those of us who experience that know why love is so special. And I suppose this is why women with polygamous husbands don’t know. And never will.

  • ummof4

    September 5, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Mari 2, you sound more relaxed now. Maybe you and your husband will do better not living in the same home for a while, but staying married. I hope he and his mother live close by, so he’s not too far away from you.

    Everyone, have a good day remembering Allah’s blessings and showing gratitude for His blessings by doing what He has commanded us to do,

  • Gail

    September 5, 2015

    Mari2 and spirited,

    Believe me when I say he is something else.My MIL flew back to Pakistan on the 3rd and Thanks G.D for it.My FIL is waiting to get his citizenship then he is out of here.He goes for his ceremony on the 16th then he is filing filing for his USA passport expedited then he is gone.Now as far as my husband he is leaving in feb or march so he claims.
    It doesn’t bother me any because I have lived as a single woman since I married him and he came to USA.What I mean is he leaves around 9am in the morning and not back at home until 10 pm.He sleeps here thats pretty much.When he is here he just watches Bollywood movies.Bottom line my marriage was a joke and I am honestly happy it is over.I am concentrating on me and my kids and getting healthy.
    I really don’t see myself ever getting married again to be honest I have just had enough of men to be frank,lol
    Mari2 as far as my uterus I was shocked to and the nurse didn’t give me any real specifics other than saying it was almost 3 times the size of a normal uterus and they r going to watch it because right now the doctor can do a laproscopic hysterectomy but after NOV if the medication I am on does not stop the growth then he has to do it because otherwise it will grow to large to do it laproscopic.
    Adenomyosis is the name of my condition I believe it is caused and advance uterine cancer can cause this but she said I don’t have that.I do have a muscle tumor but she said that is not a big deal.For sure my hormones r totally out of wack.I can’t bend over without feeling cramping in my uterus which stinks.It’s like being pregnant.I will say this since I started prilosec I have been feeling much better with no chest pain.Boy if any of u have ever had gastritis it is debilitating to say the least.I go to the surgeon Tuesday for the gastritis.

  • Mari2

    September 4, 2015

    Gail,
    so happy to hear you are cancer free. What a relief but why on earth is your uterus growing at an age when it should be shrinking? Has your estrogen level gone amok? Do you have fibroids? My aunt had a five pound fibroid. She ended up needing a hysterectomy. Ahhh…when the uterus goes wild.

    so you too were guilty of somehow being disrespectful to his mother? Ok. Now let him take care of her. I decided that M should now care for his mom. And you know though he may financially supported her over the years, he didn’t have to see to her needs. Either his sister, 2 or me did. Now he has to take her to the market. He has to drive her to her brother’s home for visits. He has to buy her feminine products. He has to help her dye her hair. He has to wash her clothes because she can’t figure out a washing machine. In one week gone from here he complained to me about his mom needing to go to the grocery 2x. How did he think food arrived into the house? Genies? And now that he is paying for the food the two of them eat, he is quite surprised by the cost. See, I did all the shopping and paid for the food she used to cook for the two of them.

    I do miss M. But I have had the most relaxing week. I now actually look forward to returning to my home at the end of a work day. You are strong Gail. And now you have gained the freedom to focus upon yourself and your children. Yay for you!

  • Spirited

    September 3, 2015

    Hi everyone,

    @Gail, sorry to hear that your husband turned out to be another “use her & dump her” types, very much like mine. At least you’ve got all the associated headaches out of your hair (i.e. his parents, lol) are you sure this time is for real? He might come crawling back in a few months or even in a few days decide he didn’t really mean it. In any case, all the best moving forward. Stick around here even if you’re single, everyone loves having you!

  • Gail

    September 3, 2015

    Ana,

    I will.For sure it is over now.He talked down to the children and told them I am 2 faced.I will nail his ass don’t u worry about that.I am so mentally tired of his immature attitude.
    This marriage has been like trying to put square peg into a round hole.
    I do feel peace about it like Mari2.I don’t know where my life will lead me but one thing for sure it is not with him.

  • anabellah

    September 3, 2015

    @Gail,

    It’s all so much at once. I’m shocked. Divorce is hard even when the parties both want it. Who knows what will happen. It appears it will be a battle, as you have adopted the son. It could get ugly. Make sure you get a good attorney. Leaving the marriage could be best for your health, as well. Take a day at a time. Get a good attorney!!!

  • Gail

    September 3, 2015

    Where is Mari2 I want to tell her what happened to me!!! I am seriously laughing here over this crap.I can’t stop thinking about her.U would not believe he blew up at me over his motherrrrrr. hahahhahahahahhahahahah

  • Gail

    September 3, 2015

    Ana,

    Well it seems my husband has finally decided to divorce me once and for all.lol
    His dad got citizenship and he is out the door the same as Mari2 husband.
    I think part of me is just happy it is over with finally.I really have this feeling G.D is going make my life so much better.I am so looking forward to the future.
    I have all these strong desires to travel and enjoy my life with my kids.It’s funny because I don’t even care.He says I am a B!tch I agree 100% with him because he made me into the person I am today.
    Looking back I don’t think I have truly loved him since 3rd year of our marriage.
    After I became suspicious about him and excowife I just lost it for him.I thought maybe I would get it back but it never happened.

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    Spirited, Hey there,

    Thanks for popping in, my friend. Good to hear from you. Your spirits seem to still be high as always. Insha Allah, we’ll chat again soon.

    Have a good night!

  • Spirited

    September 2, 2015

    Hello everyone,

    @Gail, really good to hear you may have found out why you keep having bleeding problems. Keeping my fingers crossed that the hormones will help. You said you feel un-well when taking them, it could be that you need to give yourself some time to adjust to them, and it won’t be that bad later on? Also good to hear that there’s no cancer or gallbladder problems

    @Secretary, welcome. Stick around while you go forward with your decision. It’s a good place to get advice on issues, vent your frustrations or just get a dose of reality at times, lol.

    Talk to you guys later.

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    @Gail,

    I know you must be in your glory with the excellent results it’s not cancer. Thank God much. It’s good news! You must feel relieved that they’ve given you a better diagnosis. What did they say caused your uterus to grow? Did they say?

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    @ secretary,

    Hello and welcome. It’s good to have you here. I am so happy to hear the blog has been helpful to you. You are correct that you should only fear Allah and no one else. If you marry the man, you are guaranteed that people will have their opinions about it and express negativity. You have to be strong and push past that. Don’t let it affect you. As Gail said, Polygamy is not easy, but it is definitely doable. We are here for you, if you want to talk more about it.

  • Gail

    September 2, 2015

    Secretary,

    I am very happy for u that u accepted your mans proposal.
    Polygamy is not easy and it sure isn’t going to be a walk in the park but it can be rewarding.I really hope your cowife gets on board with the marriage as well.I wish u the best of luck.

  • Gail

    September 2, 2015

    Ana,

    Well I got my results back from my Gyno yesterday.It seems my uterus is 2 1/2 to 3 times larger than normal.I was not taking the hormones they gave me but the nurse told me start taking them asap so they can see if my uterus will stop growing.I take the hormones until nov and then the will do another ultrasound.If at the time my uterus gets any larger the doctor wants to do a laproscopic hysterectomy.The nurse told me that they can’t allow my uterus to get much larger because it will be to large to take out that way.The good news is no cancer.
    Now u know I have been having stomach pain or at least I think I told u. Well I could swear I had gallstones but the blood test came back normal.My pain has gotten really bad now to a dull ache in my upper stomach and chest so i decided to just got to the ER last night to get a answer and it seems I have serious case of gastritis.The whole entire upper part of my stomach is burned from the acid in my stomach YAY ME! lol
    I go to see a surgeon next week about this issue.The tested my heart to make sure i was not having a heart attack but they said I had a great looking healthy heart which I am very thankful for.I am happy it is gastritis instead of gallstones as crazy as that sounds.lol

  • ummof4

    September 2, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and welcome to all,

    Secretary, welcome to the blog. If you go forward to marry this gentleman, and he is Muslim and you are Muslim, please go through the proper procedures for marriage in Islam. Make sure you and he are both eligible for marriage – he does not already have 4 wives, and you are not already married to someone else.Make sure you have a walee or wakil to represent you for marriage. Investigate you prospective spouse. Receive a mahr from him. Have 2 adult male Muslim witnesses to the marriage. These are the necessary requirements. There are also suggested actions to take before marriage.
    May Allah guide you to what is correct. If you need any further clarification on any of the terms that I used, just let me know.

  • Secretary

    September 2, 2015

    Good morning. I just want to say thank you for your support. I have been reading this blog for only a few months and it has reassured me that everything is in God’s hands. Do not be afraid of other people, be afraid of Allah!

    I have been asked to marry a gentleman who wants a second wife.

    At first I thought, HE MUST BE CRAZY! Then I had feelings of selfishness and got jealous. Now because of my trust in God and with the help of this blog, I shared with my possible future husband that I accept his wishes. I’m so happy.

    My friends will think I’m CRAZY now, but that is their problem.

  • anabellah

    September 1, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our lovely blog family in cyberspace

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for September 2015. We thank you all for being here with us. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussion. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the August 2015 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/august-2015-discussions/