September 2017 Discussions

Welcome to our September 2017 discussions. Simply jump right in and share your experiences or thoughts about polygamy in Islam. What’s on your mind?

September 2017 Discussions

September 2017 discussions

September 2017 discussions

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190 Comments

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All,

    polygamy 411 September 2017 Discussions

    Once again we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the September 2017 discussions and welcome in a new month.

    Please join us at: October 2017 Discussions

  • Rosa

    September 29, 2017

    Fatima
    lol I can agree we have alllll had our crazy moments. May Allah continue to guide us and keep our focus on Him alone and no other ameen

    Sis ana thank you

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2017

    I’ve found that we tend to base what’s happening in our marriages or lives on what we’ve learned when we were non-Muslim. We need to un-learn it and learn the truth. The seeing and the blind are not alike. The Quran was revealed to bring us out of the darkness and into the light.

    It’s a reason I don’t like those who are not on the same page as we are to leave their posts here, if they are not writing to contribute positively or with positive inquiries. If they don’t believe in our way of life and many don’t believe in anything but themselves, what good is having them here? They only raise doubt, and Allah says that when we doubt he places doubt upon doubt and then we go astray. We have to intend to change our thoughts and our ways. When we took the Shahadah – oath to be Muslim, we made a pledge a vow to Allah. It was the beginning of a new way. Things are not going to look like what we think they will look like. We can’t even trust our own senses. We need to put our faith and trust in Allah.

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2017

    Rosa, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Nice Post! https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • Rosa

    September 29, 2017

    Salaam all

    Fatima perhaps your husbands issues of not being able to resolve things and talk it through go way back to his childhood. Maybe his feelings were invalidated then or maybe he was raised in a way the family just didn’t talk about it or brushed it over like nothing happened. That’s why it’s such a tedious job raising your children well because they oftentimes carry what all happened in their childhood into their adulthood. Thats another perspective hope it helps. You also have to understand women and men are so completely different. We have different thinking patterns. You running off to a friends house on his nights with you and you expecting him to do what u would do calling panicking about your whereabouts it rarely happens. This is real life. At the end of the day, the more important issue at hand is accepting who your husband is flaws and all. Decide today to only take into account and pay attention to his good qualities. Does he pray regularly, does he read the Quran, is he Kind most of the time. Be grateful count your blessings. Look at the world today. Millions without electric in Puerto Rico due to the massive hurricane there, millions displaced, was just watching the news they were saying they have no way to get supplies and food across the island to those suffering there even though the supplies have reached the area. Over 7,000 containers. Surely your husband not being who u want him to be is nothing compared to what millions are suffering from around the world. In general, we are ungrateful. May Allah forgive and have mercy on us. As long is you make your husband your focal point and the root of your problems and unhappiness even though we know wholeheartedly no human can give or withhold only Allah can if your husband seems to be neglecting you he’s only doing what he’s allowed Allah is withholding your husband from you no human can afflict pain or give happiness only Allah can and so on and so forth.

    Everything you need is within you if only you reflect

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2017

    Fatimah,

    I’m sure just about every wife in a polygamous marriage has acted “crazy” at some time or another or has done or said things that they regretted. It’s part of life. As you stated, thank Allah much for His forgiveness. Thank Him much for His Mercy.

    About your husband, who knows what he’s going through. Maybe He does want to change and just can’t seem to do it. Even when we turn to Allah for help, as you stated yourself, help comes in Allah’s time, not ours. Change usually doesn’t happen overnight. Not only must we really want to change and ask Allah for His help, we must exercise patience and perseverance.

    Tests aren’t always easy. Allah tries us sometimes to let us see how badly we want something such as change in ourselves or to see how far away from our goal we are. Some people live with others despite how problematic it is. It could be a test for them. This life is not Jannah/Paradise, so we all will have trials and tribulations. We’ll have difficulties, toil and struggle.

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2017

    KnovelKnot,

    I didn’t approve your lengthy post because this is not the blog for you. I let you know it before when you were last here. You aren’t married and your posts express a distaste for the subject matter. Your posts aren’t helpful, but are a hindrance. You best go else where to get your hypothetical questions answered, as I don’t see that you are sincere in wanting to know, but rather want to debate the issues. Even if someone has time to play around with you and have dialogue about it, I don’t have time to moderate it.

  • Fatimah

    September 28, 2017

    Ana,

    Yes absolutely about the agreement! That’s not even real not to disagree. I do agree about him going to Allah if it’s sone thing he wants. I read a quote that said you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. I make dua that Allah brings about that change because obviously it has effected his wives to the point they have left him. And he said to me once everyone has the same comPlaines and no one wants to be with him, so they leave. I guess it is something he has to want for himself like you said.

    Now if I were to seek divorce it has nothing to do with polygamy. I don’t particularly agree with something that he does in regards to how he does it but that’s not why. In fact, I thought about it before he remarried. But I honestly didn’t look into the laws regarding it and knowing the grounds. I believe polygamy can be done bc it was done by the prophet Muhammad peace and blessings of Allah be on him. I can see the need with a shortage of men and widows and single mothers with no father for her children. aside from that, it’s our nafs and lower selves that make it more difficult than it has to be. I’ve seen women pour laundry detergent on her husbands car bc she saw him with his daughter from his second wife. I’ve seen the second wife throw a rock into the windshield if the husband bc he was home with his first wife. I mEan I understand the pain, and as a first, I know all about it but that’s just taking it out. Alhamdulillah I haven’t done anything crazy although I’ve had my nutty moments πŸ˜‚. Thank God for forgiveness. Lol. I mean I had some really low moments in my life but I never did anything like that. I’ve said horrible things before especially in the beginning.

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2017

    Fatimah,

    It makes sense that if your husband’s other wife and other women whom he had been involved with had the same complaints about him, then it’s just the way that he is. He’s just being himself.

    Insha Allah, one day you will be able to accept him for who he is. He will not change unless it’s something he wants and he turns to Allah to get it done.

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2017

    Fatimah,

    There is no problem with you not agreeing with all that I say πŸ™‚ We can respectfully agree to disagree πŸ™‚ It’s all good…

    I have heard quite a few people on this blog say that Allah helps those who help themselves. I kind of remember that as being a Christian saying. I don’t think it’s quite relevant to us as Muslims, as we can’t really help ourselves. Allah says there is no power and there is no might accept in Him. Again, He says we can bring no good or harm to ourselves unless He wills it.

    I know He says He remembers those who remember Him. Furthermore, He says that He will not change the condition of a person until the person changes what is in his or her HEART. It’s much about belief, not an act. The person has to want to obey and worship Allah the way He commands us to. The person seeks to have a pure heart. Only Allah can purify one’s heart.

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2017

    Fatimah,

    The post about being grateful to Allah was for all of us. I read it this morning at Fajr time; so I thought to share it as a reminder for us all.

    Much has been happening on this planet with Hurricanes, Tornadoes, earthquakes, mudslides, floods etc. People are homeless and displaced; have lost all their possessions; have lost loved ones; are oppressed etc. Yet, there are women who are in polygamous marriages who have more than many and are unhappy and discontented with all they have simply because their husbands have other wives.

    We should be grateful for the roofs that are over our heads; the clothes that we wear; the food that we eat; our creature comforts like cellphones and computers; vacations; TV etc. Some of us wives don’t have to go work outside the home. We can breath without a breathing tube; walk and not be in a wheelchair. We have our faculties. I could go on and on. How dare a wife be so ungrateful to Allah simply because she doesn’t think her husband is acting right.

    So, how do we show our gratitude to Allah? We show our gratitude to Him by doing all that He tells us to in the Holy Quran. We show our gratitude to Him by obeying Him. We show our gratitude by worshiping Him…

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2017

    Fatimah,

    It’s always good when we could toss ideas around and reflect on them πŸ™‚ Believe you me, I looked closely at all that I say here for my own edification.

    About divorce, a person could seek a divorce for just about any reason. Maybe the person doesn’t love the other anymore. Perhaps the person doesn’t want to be married any longer.

    The problem that comes into play with a wife wanting a divorce when her husband is polygamous or intends to be is that she shows a dislike for something that Allah has made lawful. If the man actually becomes polygamous and the wife who married first opposes it and wants a divorce, it shows her displeasure with Allah’s decision. Allah lets us know that we should not oppose Him with our desires. A woman wanting her husband all to herself once Allah has decided the marriage would be polygamous is an example of her following her desires. Allah says that those who follow desire have a diseased heart.

    It’s the same with people who find fault in polygamy. Some say it hurts the woman; it hurts children and so on and so forth. Do they know better than Allah? It’s all about rejecting what Allah has made lawful.

    It’s not so much the divorce, it THE REASON FOR THE DIVORCE. If a woman is in a marriage and doesn’t intend to leave, but suddenly her husband takes on another wife and she wants to leave, it’s not about the divorce. It’s about her not liking what Allah has decided. It’s about “polygamy” and her dislike of it. She has become arrogant like Iblis/Satan.

  • Fatimah

    September 28, 2017

    Flower, yesssss girl, I do enjoy those nights. Lol. It allows me to relax. I have a lot of friends in polygamy who feel the same.

    Ana! While I don’t agree with everything you said, it has given me lots and lots to reflect and ask some questions to myself. There was alot of truth in what you said for example the doing for Allah’s sake and not for reciprocation. The me thinking I have power I think was a little misinterpreted. I didn’t mean it in that sense. I meant that I usually go along with it, therefore he continues. While that is Allah’s decree, so would me trying to do things differently in hopes that inshaAllah things will get better between us. I do understand that All power belongs to Allah and may HE forgive me when I forget or think I have powere in anything. He does say He helps those who helps themselves and I hope that anything He allows me to do is for the better.
    I often ask myself about the accepting part and is it that I refuse to accept him as he is and because you brought it up, I know it must be something Allah wants me to think about. He told me his other wife complains about the same things. In fact several women have left him all for same reasons. I just stuck around the longest.

    I’m going to be honest and say I don’t know all grounds women have to get a divorce. Outside of adultery or extreme physical abuse, impotence, neglect financially?other reasons do Muslim have rights to divorce? Or to leave her marriage in a way that Allah isn’t displeased? If a man is emotionally abusive or doesn’t fulfill his wife to the point she contemplates seeking someone else in the form of neglect NOT because she is being disobedient to Allah. What are options for the lady?

    Your post about being ungrateful, idk if you were directing that to me, but that made me think too if I am. Allah talks to us in many ways so I added it to my list of things to really try and reflect and ask Allah for His help.
    Again I aalways appreciate your input and advice especially the reminders of Allah. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif you too flower!πŸ˜™

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2017

    “And remember! your Lord caused to be declared (publicly): “If ye are grateful I will add more (favors) unto you; but if ye show ingratitude truly My punishment is terrible indeed.” Quran: Surah 14, Ayah 7

    Quran: Surah 14, ayat 7

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2017

    Fatimah,

    Lastly, what are you expecting from Allah? You said you have been waiting for a resolution, and it’s been may years. What would you like? You know divorce is available to you. If you don’t want a divorce, are you waiting for your husband to begin to do what you want him to do?

    Remember, your husband is who Allah has created him to be. He has his own disposition and personality. He is carrying out a script that was written for him. He is unique, as you are, as well. Try accepting him for who, and what he is. If he’s doing something haram that you can’t live with and need to act then you know where the door is. Leave (If it pleases Allah). Otherwise, try to accept Allah’s decisions, even when it’s not in your best interest.

    Focus on Allah and our religion, not so that you could get what you want (out of your husband), but because it’s what we need to do to be able to enter Jannah.

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2017

    Fatimah,

    You said, “I believe relationships are about sacrificing for each other.” So, you believe in “sacrificing for each other”? It could be where you’re running into a problem.

    polygamy 411

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2017

    Fatimah,

    I suggest you look at the reasons that you do things in your marriage and for your family. What caught my attention is that you said, “no one is willing anymore to do what he wants without a shared effort.”

    If you were doing things to seek the good pleasure of Allah – having Allah in mind for the reason that you do what you do – you wouldn’t care what your husband does. You wouldn’t expect anything from your husband or from anyone else. You wouldn’t EXPECT to get a return from people. You would know that your reward would come from Allah.

    The mere fact that you think your marriage is lopsided and you’re not getting your due is because you’re doing things for people and expecting them to reciprocate. You want something from your husband. Allah is the ONE who gives us all that we have. He’s the ONE who could give us what we need and want. You’re looking to created things to give you what you want, but are not looking at our CREATOR – ALLAH. It’s where you’re going wrong.

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2017

    Fatima,

    The problem I see based on what you’ve shared is that you have an idea in your head as to how you want your husband to behave and what you want him to do. He doesn’t do it; therefore, you get annoyed, frustrated, agitated and have anger towards him.

    Fatimah, your husband doesn’t belong to you. He doesn’t have to do what you want him to do. He doesn’t have to be the way that you want him to be. Your husband is the way that Allah created Him. He is devoutly obedient to Allah in that he does exactly what Allah has written for him to do. Allah says that we will come willingly or unwillingly, but we will come (submit to His will). If your husband is doing anything wrong according to Allah laws, commands etc. then he will account for it. He will account for it to Allah. He doesn’t have to account for it to you. You need to learn to leave him be and then maybe your marriage will improve. You are not your husband’s lord. He doesn’t have to dance to your beat.

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2017

    Fatimah,

    I read and reread your post and think I have an idea of what may be the problem. You indicated that you’re not getting anywhere with your husband in resolving the problems that you have. You said your husband wants to pretend that nothing happened for the many years. Furthermore, you said that you have allowed it.

    Of course I don’t know what you think you have allowed and I don’t think I need to know to make an assessment based on what you’ve said. My question to you is what’s wrong with him pretending that nothing happened? If it’s been many years, well then forget about what happened. What happened doesn’t matter anymore. What happened is in the past. It’s long gone. It’s over. You need to deal with today. Whatever happened yesterday happened because Allah willed it to be. Why are you stuck in yesterday?

    Another problem is that you said you have allowed it. When did you get power? You didn’t allow anything. Only Allah has power. You either believe that or you don’t. Allah makes things happen; you don’t, I don’t and no one does. Allah tells us that we can’t bring any good nor harm to ourselves unless He wills it. Do you read the Quran? It’s in there.

  • Flower

    September 28, 2017

    Ana
    In UK you’ll be pulled up in court and risk eviction for not paying rent πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Interesting how things are different all around the world.

    Fatimah.
    I’m not sure how long you’ve been in polygamy. But do you think polygamy is your relief or answer. While he’s away you can get on with doing the things you want. Rather than have him around to argue with and for him to ignore the issue. Maybe you just can’t see it yet.

    I don’t want to be mean but today I was so happy my husband isn’t here for the next few days. I do enjoy my own company and can’t wait to sit in silence and do some reading.

  • Fatimah

    September 28, 2017

    Ana
    One of the very reasons I love this site because you always bring it home, back to Allah. You are 100% right for a wife not to care whether he comes and understand that it’s Allah’s doings. This helped me to confirm that little voice in my head to leave it to Allah bc HE will deal with it, but for me to focus on my own goal and relationship with Allah, so thanks for that reminder. And also for me not to even talk about it to the point that it consumes you, you know what I mean? I must say that I noticed Allah has removed the edge off of my caring but I still worried about him being right or wrong and by posting here , you and Flowers advice helped me to see don’t even worry about that. Stay focused on Allah, keep making dua because nothing lasts forever. Unfortunately my husband doesn’t want to resolve the matter between us. He wants to pretend nothing happened and for the many years I have allowed it, I see that it doesn’t or hasn’t do us any good. He got into it with my daughters about something and later instead of apologizing, he started talking about how his job and they were like “whhaa??” Somethings are down right offensive and insulting that happens and he wants to force us to get over it by not acknowledging it. I’m ready to grow up Ana, I want to move on to higher standards in all aspects of my life. Allah, my family, my education, etc. It’s like he doesn’t want to put any effort into the marriage. Doesn’t want to give and take. My daughter expressed somethings he has said to her and it confirms that he wants what he isn’t willing to give and he doesn’t see the damage and how no one is willing anymore to do what he wants without a shared effort. Relationships aren’t one sided, we all have to put the work in and he wants to give as much as HE wants. I could be wrong but I don’t think thats right. I believe relationships are about sacrificing for each other and giving what u know the other person needs, not what YOU feel like giving and when we come up short, evaluate what’s going on. If he isn’t willing to do this, then what do I do? The fact that he is willing to let me rot until I get over his offenses is played out. And him falling back on his wife because he can, doesn’t make it any better. I tell myself inshaAllah it will be over soon because Allah will send a resolution in the best manner. It’s been sooooooo many years that I have been asking and I lose hope and spirits some times. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif I know we dare not put a time limit on Allah, so I ask for pardon. Anyway, thanks for the input! And still welcome it.

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2017

    Fatimah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Flower gave you very good advice! I agree with what she said. It’s funny because I looked at the rent analogy as it relates to the landlord/tenant laws where I live. A tenant could withhold rent (not pay) if the landlord doesn’t make timely repairs; however the tenant must show that the monies were in a bank account or readily available and would have been paid had the landlord done the right thing. LOL

    I think you made a wise decision to stay at home oppose to being gone when your husband comes home. How could you work on a marriage and it get better, if you’re not present? I could see a husband saying, for instance: Well, she’s not home; I’m going back to my other woman’s house or not bother to come home at all. Of course, in a case where there are children, they may be enough for him to come back to.

    Dealing with a marital schedule could be very trying. I totally understand you not wanting your life to revolve around his other wife’s work schedule. That’s some bull-crap, unless you’re all believers working together for a common goal (to worship Allah).

    A marital schedule could be a trial. Insha Allah, eventually a wife will get to a point in which she won’t care much when her husband comes home as she will come to accept that Allah decides all things, including that.

  • Fatimah

    September 27, 2017

    Flower
    Walaikum Salaam
    Shukran. So I decided to stay home regardless that way he won’t have any thing to use against me. I understand there is law, and there is the sunna and like you said, peAce and tranquility is an aspect. There is alot going on between us, not related totally to polygamy.

    Great analogy w the rent though. Lol.

  • Flower

    September 27, 2017

    Fatimah.
    Assalamu alaykum.

    It seems you have a few seperate problems but one is streaming from the other and so on.
    When it comes to dividing nigjts, it is the HUSBANDS responsibility to make it equal. He can do this in any which way he wants (and Allah grants him) he can stay one night each or 3 nights each or 6 months each. He can also change it if he wants as long as he still maintains equality. The Sunnah is one night each alternate but this is not a rule neither is he sinful for say spending 3 nights each…..even if the wives do not agree with him.

    With that said it’s certainly not wise to mess with ones wives in such a way that she doesn’t know when her husband will be home. As you describe, you do not know if he’s coming home till he gets there. Natrally it will cause bad feelings and arguments between you. So he’s not trying to live with you in peace and tranquillity.

    About disregarding your feelings, again it’s not wise but a person doesn’t have to take every felling of their spouse into account IF what they are doing is halal. Polygamy is s good example: women are usually not over the moon about sharing a husband, But he doesn’t have to refrain just because she’s not happy about it. He should be kind and considerate because we are to be kind to everyone. What I’m trying to say is, there is a line one mustn’t cross where ones behaviour and dismissal becomes cruel, from your account it seems cruel but I haven’t heard the other side (your husbands) to definetly say he wrong. We should hear both sides before we can made a fair judgment. However, I do understand your issues, as you have declared them.

    Having a mediator is not a one time thing, it can take weeks, months or even years to get spouses on the same page and understand each other. You may want to go back to your mediator and explain there are still problems. In the mean time remain patient and making dua for the betterment of your hereafter. Fufill your side by staying home on your nights if you leave then it doesn’t really help or solve any problems, for example if a person is having issues with say, a landlord then one doesn’t stop paying rent. You continue and seek help for the landlord to fufill their side or the contract.

    You may want to keep writing to release some tension. We’re here to listen aswell as give advice. ❀❀

  • Fatimah

    September 26, 2017

    As salaamu Alaikum everyone! It has been a minute since I last been here. I periodically just read posts to see what’s going on and want to comment but decide not to. Something has been on my mind alot and just wanted some advice, input,whatever. So my husband since he got married again changes nights without notice to me to accommodate her for whatever reason, her working over night shifts so he can spend time with her. I told him that the fact that she works over nights is her problem bc she knowingly leaves her home on her nights and in Islam when a woman leaves on her night, forfeits it. She can’t then impose on my night telling him thst he deprives her and it’s been days or weeks since she has seen him. I told him 1, not showing up, calling or letting me know or how about asking me, is rude and disrespectful. He didn’t care, he kept doing it until finallysomeone intervened and told him he has to follow the sunna and if she wants to see him, then she should work a different shift because it’s not fair to me. So even though he stopped that, he still does it periodically and when it’s convenient for them. Recently He decided to send a message to me thst he was too sick to come home as he was at her house all day and fell sick. Therefore would stay another night. Which of course upset me because that wasn’t his place to send a message and then just decide without discussing it seeing as it was my night. Nights belong to the women. On top of that, he miraculously regained health and went to work 5am. Of course I let him know how upset I was. He responded by changing the subject and asking about the kids. I let him know again. He didn’t respond at all. He stopped coming home at asr like he usually did on her nights and started just going to her house. As a result, On my nights I decided to stay at my friends. Each night he’d ask the kids, where is your mom? Why is she at such and such house.never asking me. Never contacting me, nothing. I text him at work and asked why hasn’t he asked me even though he knows exactly why. He has a very bad habit of when things happen between us, he will try to remedy it by talking normal. No discussion, no acknowledgment of what he did , no apologies,nothing but did you see my pants? I’m tired of that. No matter what I say to him, when u do this, it makes me feel this way. He looks me in my face and repeats the behavior. I have decided that I was no longer going along with his sweeping under the rug by answering his questions unrelated to the incidents that happened with us. Hence why I decided to stay with a friend. The fact that he didn’t attempt to solve the problem, ask me what was the problem (even though he knew exactly what ) , the blatant disregard and dismissing of my feelings (he said something horrible about my mom) , it just made me feel worse. When I went to him about asking me and not the kids, it just spiraled into a big mess. So for about 2 weeks,he only comes here on my nights. He goes to the other house after work, and on the nights here comes as late as possible. My children have asked where’s dad? We haven’t seen him.

    Anyway, I gave all this background as to make sure I don’ttry to make it seem he just turned away bc he’s just so unfair and unjust. I wanted to tell even my own behavior to pass better judgment in terms of giving advice. I just want to know if he can do that, staying away from my home, ignoring me on the nights that he is. I feel like she’s his escape from me and I want to know if that’s OK. We have seen each other in passing in town and he walks past me like he doesn’t know me. We went to an event and he caught my eyes a couple times, waved at my friend who I was talking to and then later asked if I was at the event. I believe no matter if you’re 1st 2nd or 3rd, each has their own marriage. You may share a husband but not marriage and just becausehe has another wife, doesn’t mean he should neglect our marriage. I told hI’m when we spoke, a simple apology, tell me u didn’t mean it but instead for days upon days u just let me stay away,never inquiring and NOW turning away as if I don’t exist. I was talking to my brother in law and he walked up, gave salaams to him and kept walking as if I didn’t exist. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gifhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif Let alone his wife. Over all, what are your thoughts or advice? He told me I was wrong for staying away, marriage 101 a woman doesn’t leave without permission is what he said. However he started turning away before that. If u don’t want to be around methen why would you be concerned whether or not I’m not home. On top of that, don’t want to resolve, talk, dismiss, disregard but want to lay in the bed??? No way. He said I don’t have the right to turn away.

  • Cinnamon

    September 26, 2017

    Flower and Marah S
    Alhamdullilah. My decision is based upon his character. When I told my brother about it at first he was shocked that I was considering entering into a polygynous marriage.
    So I just told him to spend time with him and observe him, find out about him.
    After that it was easier for him to support the idea when my immediate family thought I’d gone crazy lol.

  • Cinnamon

    September 26, 2017

    Thank you sisters for taking the time to respond to my post.
    When I referred to a positive istikhara, I meant that I felt inclined within my heart to go through with the process. I’ve made istikhara for marriage a number of times and in all times afterwards I’ll just not feel like marrying the person, or something came up that I didn’t feel comfortable with.
    For the first time, I feel calm and at ease about getting married, despite the fact that I had never thought that I’d consider marrying someone who is married.
    The funny thing is I used to be anti-polygamy simply because I felt that I just didn’t want to share a husband. A couple years ago I started paying more attention to the Qur’an and I realised that I need to accept and love everything that Allah has permitted. Ultimately, marriage or no marriage, monogamy or polygamy, Allah is the main goal.

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2017

    Saudi Arabia finally got with the program and came into the modern era.

  • Mari2

    September 26, 2017

    Flower,

    I too enjoyed what you said. Spot on.

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2017

    Flower,

    Yeah, right LOL I just don’t get those people’s mindset. I can’t understand that anyone would waste his or her precious, valuable time worrying about what doesn’t concern them. I don’t get that they butt their heads into other people’s business. It crazy!

    I have used the example of “gays” to show just how crazy I think it is. For instance, I don’t agree with the way of life of those who are gay; but do you think I care enough about what they do to the extent that I’d go to their websites and tell them so and why I think and feel as I do about it? HELL to the NO. I don’t friggin care. I mind my own business. I don’t care what LBTGQ (Lesbians, bi-sexual, transgender, gay and queers) do. I’m not one of them. It’s not my lifestyle. So, why would I waste my energy and brain usage on them?

    I just can’t understand those people who come to this site with that negative rhetoric. Something’s wrong with them…

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2017

    Marah S,

    I see istikara basically the same as you do. I’m not sure what a “postive istikara” is exactly. I assumed that Cinnamon felt good about marrying the brother after she prayed on it. When I first became Muslim I read about making “istikhara”. I did it after a brother had asked me to marry him and I wasn’t sure if I should or not. Shortly after I prayed on it, I felt sure that I didn’t want to marry him, and it was super easy for me to tell him so. I suppose it would be what Cinnamon would categorize as a “negative istikhara”.

    Istikara to me is simply going to Allah in prayer about something that the person needs help with making an intention on. The outcome is going to be what Allah has determines regardless of whether the person makes the istikara or not.

  • Marah S

    September 26, 2017

    What does it mean when someone says they got a positive istikhara? I always thought istikhara was just a dua that one makes before any decision asking Allah that if it is a good path for you Allah will make it happen easy and if it isn’t a good path then Allah will put difficulties and road blocks that discourages the person from that decision

  • Marah S

    September 26, 2017

    Cinnamon,

    It’s really nice of you to think about your potential co-wife, it shows that you have compassion for others. However her issues with polygamy belong to her and her alone, you should be able to carry out something that is halal without feeling so guilty about it. You’re not doing anything wrong and if her marriage does break, it will be because Allah decided it not because of you.

    Also, whether you marry him or not her marriage will never be the same. The damage is already done, it will always be a reality that her husband wishes to be polygamous and the only reason he isn’t, is because you backed out not him. He may still end up marrying more women even if you don’t marry him and she’ll be right back in the same place.

    So don’t base your decision based on her, whether you marry him or not should be your decision based on his character and whether he can really be a good and fair husband to you.

    Hopefully everything turns out well for all of you

  • Flower

    September 26, 2017

    Ana, Serena
    Totally agree with your replies to me, it’s a crazy world.

    People like ‘reborn’ confuse me. I didn’t need to read the comment to know round abouts what they wanted to say. Honsestly, if a person wants to talk negativly about polgamy there are plenty of sites, pages and blogs that they can go to, this is not the only polygamy blog, iv visited a large number of them. There aren’t many PRO-polygamy sites or pages with an emphasis on ISLAM. Women (like me) search and search for somewhere they can vent and talk without having the same ole’ bs shoved down her throat. It’s always the same lines: Get a divorce, love yourself, sleep around, he’s not worth it, it’s misogynistic, blah blah blah. THAT’S WHY I’M HERE, that’s why we’re all here. We DON’T want to hear that crap, if we did we’d be someplace else listening/reading it. Please, don’t waste your time typing something out that not only Ana will ‘trash’ but so will we, if we have to read any of that tripe. Do they really think that if they roll up here and spout some hateful rubbish (that we’ve heard time and time again) we’ll just follow what they say, NO WAY. The veil has been lifted, our ears are open. We know what we’re doing, so leave the peaceful in peace.

    Cinnamon.
    Put your trust in Allah, and make your intention (whichever it is). As long as you do everything by the book (Qur’an) you can’t go wrong. I will add that if a man wants polygamy he doesn’t just have only one chance, if it’s not you, It could be someone else. No one can avoid what Allah Has already Willed, His Will is Eternal.

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2017

    “Reborn”,

    I trashed your post. I won’t approve posts that are anti-polygamy and written to discredit all that we have said here. Go talk that to people who think like you and want to hear it. Polygamy 411 is a pro-polygamy blog.

  • Cinnamon

    September 26, 2017

    Jazakillahu khair Ana for your advice. You are right.
    I will continue to ask Allah for goodness for all of us in this matter.
    BarakAllahu feekum

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2017

    Cinnamon, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I reread your initial post to refresh my memory. You had said your soon to be co needed more time. Since then, she came to you and said she wouldn’t stand in your way of marrying him, but now she’s singing a different tune.

    Cinnamon, you said you made istikhara and you got a positive response from it. If you want to marry the man and he still wants to marry you, then go with it. Allah has allowed a man to have more than one wife. It’s not wrong. Your intended seems to have done his part. He consulted with his wife about his intention to marry you, so she’s not in the dark about it. If you’re waiting for his wife to be okay with polygamy or waiting for any woman to be who is married to the man whom you want to marry, based on what I know, you’ll be waiting a long time. It takes time for most women to adjust to a polygamous lifestyle. Sometimes it takes years.

    About not wanting to destroy their marriage, how can you do that? If anyone would be “destroying their marriage” (as you put it), it would be his wife who intends to leave him if he marries you. She’s willing to leave her marriage simply because her husband will do something that Islam permits. If she wants to blame anyone, she should blame herself.

    If you marry him, it will be because Allah decided it. You didn’t, nor did the man whom you marry.

    Make your intention to marry him or not and put your faith and trust in Allah about it. If you feel so incline, marry the guy. If it doesn’t happen, it wasn’t meant to be.

  • Cinnamon

    September 26, 2017

    Assalaamualaikum Ana and sisters
    I have a problem and I hope to get some advice inshaAllah.
    So a few months ago, I had a positive istikhara to marry someone who is married, something which was difficult for me to adjust to. I have spent the last few months mentally preparing myself and praying about it, getting closer to Allah because I know that it’s not easy. Alhamdullilah the brother is a really good man.
    In the same time, his wife was also adjusting to the idea.
    A week ago, she reached out to me for the first time telling me that she’s made peace with everything and she doesn’t want to stand in the way of me being married to a really good man. Alhamdullilah I thanked her for her kindness.
    On the day the brother was supposed to come discuss the wedding plans with my father, she informed him that she really can’t do this, but she doesn’t want to stop us from being happy so she’s leaving him.
    The brother was and is shattered because he loves her a lot.
    My dilemma now is, I was never going into this with the intention of destroying their marriage. Alhamdullilah he loves her a lot and is very happy with her. Divorce was never an option for him.
    Now a part of me feels like I should walk away so that she doesn’t have to leave him but at the same time after my positive istikhara I really felt like Allah had chosen this man for me. So naturally a part of me would be hurt to walk away, especially because I really admire his deen and his character.

    Please advise me. I am making istikhara on whether to walk away.

  • anabellah

    September 25, 2017

    Sister Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s so good to hear that you aren’t a secret wife any longer. You both nipped that in the bud quickly. It’s nice your husband stood up to his family about it and did the right thing. Alhumdulliah! Thank you much for writing about it and sharing. πŸ™‚

  • Saira

    September 25, 2017

    Salam to all
    Sister flower , sister Ana and sis sareana
    After this scholar keeping second wife as a secret wife things I am very hurt
    I have no idea if it’s true or wrong
    I been listening so much of that scholar stuff and did benefit me I am completely shocked to hear all this
    I am starting to feel proud of my husband now
    He has full support from his family in start and he was fully supported by them to keep me secret wife
    I heated all that time but I never agree to be secret and my husband never wanted to keep me secret either
    It was his family descion to keep me secret for time being but they didn’t wanted him to tell any one in family
    My husband told his first from before even marrying me that he is looking for someone and he will re marry again
    It took no more then 6 months for him to tell whole family about me
    But all worked out by luck as well
    Allah helped me but if I had to stay secret I would had walked out long ago
    It’s so much humiliating to be secret wife
    May Allah make all muslims to practice polygamy properly if they choose to be polygamist ameen

  • anabellah

    September 25, 2017

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I am with you 100% about – “why hide if you aren’t doing anything wrong?” The woman needs to ask herself why she accepts being a dirty little secret from jump street, from the onset, in the very beginning…

    I haven’t read the article that you and Flower referred to. It’s the first that I’m hearing of it.

    About so called scholars, sheiks and Imams – those people with those labels mean nothing to me. LOL

  • Serena

    September 25, 2017

    Salam

    Ana and Flower

    I came across an article about who Flower is talking about. To be honest and may Allah forgive me if this counts as backbiting but whenever these new Muslim “scholars” start preaching I wonder do they really preach what the quran says or do they say stuff to please their audience. Anyway isn’t it a sign of the end of times that there will be many scholars but not true ones?

    That’s it many people are not learning from the Quran and the real scholars. It’s so easy nowadays anyone who knows Arabic can become a scholar. In the past they studied for years and years and even travelled to countries just to verify if they had correct information before teaching it to others. Nowadays some just get their stuff of the Internet and find their target audience overnight they become a scholar/sheikh.

    About the secret wife thing why hide if you aren’t doing anything wrong? Why do men and woman feel the need to hide if they not done anything haram?

    Flower mashaAllah I second what you said.

    May Allah guide us and protect us from following all these scholars/imams/sheiks the ones that are on a deviant path.

  • anabellah

    September 25, 2017

    Any woman who settles and agrees to be a “SECRET” wife is simply following desires. They just want the man and will do whatever it takes to get him and be with him intimately. They then get upset and want more when they begin to feel the same as what a cheap secret mistress experiences. There isn’t much difference.

    “Secret Wives” are not part of Islam. It’s not our way. The ones who become secrets suffer the consequences of it.

    Allah lets us knows that those who follow desire are moved by a “diseased heart”.

  • anabellah

    September 25, 2017

    Flower, hey there,

    Nice Post! Especially I like what you stated: “Untill the ummah accept that polygny is 100% halal and that women who marry, married men have the exact same marital status as current wives and no one needs to lose their mind because a man wants more than 1, hidden marriages will continue. And untill the ummah start to read Qur’an and learn from the REAL people of knowledge they’ll keep going round in circles.” – Well Said!

    You made a very good point that some people “blindly follow anyone”. I’m amazed at how many people just go along with what anyone says and accept it as the truth. They don’t question the person’s motive for saying a thing, nor suspect that there may be no truth to what the person says at all or that there is a mixture of truth and falsehood. Most don’t question the reasonableness of what is said. They just go with it. It’s one reason I think being college educated is a good thing. It’s not about what one is taught and what one learns there. It’s about opening one’s mind, about teaching one to use his or her mind efficiently. It opens one’s mind to critical thinking. One needs to have the ability to critique what one says and analyze it. It’s the ability to use reason etc.

    Reading and understanding the Holy Quran is essential and not many people read it. Understanding of the Quran comes from Allah. He says He teaches us.

    Many women are quick to listen to what a man says and especially a man who is labeled an “Imam” or a “Scholar”. They fail to realize that many men follow their desire to control women and keep them subservient to them. They’ll speak about those things that will benefit them (the men). I rarely here any of them tell anyone to read the Quran to learn it and live it.

    You hit the nail on the head that people need to learn from the “REAL people of knowledge” – those people of knowledge are Allah’s Prophets and Messengers that He refers to in the Quran. He tells us to commemorate the stories of the Prophets/Messengers. Allah says those people are our examples. Those stories are there for a reason. They are not just fables or stories for past-time or entertainment.

  • Flower

    September 25, 2017

    Hiya all.

    Some of you may be aware that over the past few days it has come to light that a well known “religious leader” (that’s what people call him) had a secret 2nd wife and was engaged in conversation with a few other woman about more secret marriages. Well, all his little secrets found out about each other and publicly outed him. He also told each if them he was divorcing his 1st/current wife because she is “toxic” (ring any bells).

    It didn’t surprise me in the slightest since secret wives are pretty common in the Muslim community’s. I was actually more shocked that other people were surprised, lol. What bothered me is instead of the Muslims addressing the issue that most have with polygny and the fact that the Muslim community give seemingly knowledgeable people higher ranks that they actually have (only Allah knows each of our true ranks) and blindly follow anyone who stands on stage, tells a few jokes and entertains them for a while. They was more concerned that a so called religious leader had kept a marriage(s) hidden. They have labelled him as a womanizer (Maybe true) and the secret women ‘victims’. Well, it takes two to tango and I don’t reqard a woman who finds out she is not the only secret as a victim but hey ho, if it makes them feel better.

    It coincides with all we talk about here. Untill the ummah accept that polygny is 100% halal and that women who marry, married men have the exact same marital status as current wives and no one needs to lose their mind because a man wants more than 1, hidden marriages will continue. And untill the ummah start to read Qur’an and learn from the REAL people of knowledge they’ll keep going round in circles.

  • anabellah

    September 25, 2017

    Reminders for today πŸ™‚

    “Those who believe, and whose hearts find satisfaction in the remembrance of Allah: for without doubt in Allah do hearts find satisfaction.” Quran: Surah 13, Ayah 28

    “For those who believe and work righteousness, is (every) blessedness, and a beautiful place of (final) return.” Quran: Surah 13, Ayah 29

  • anabellah

    September 24, 2017

    Sis Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m so happy everything is looking up for you and getting better. Alhumdulliah!

    You’re doing really good, especially when you said you went to the gathering and acted as a guest.

    When you know they’re trying to annoy you and get underneath your skin, try ignoring it. Don’t give them the response that they’re looking for. Don’t let them see you sweat LOL

    May Allah bless you to my dear Sister. Stay strong and keep up the good work… πŸ™‚

  • Saira

    September 23, 2017

    Salam sister Ana and all other sisters
    Many many thanks sister Ana for such a great advice
    I am starting to see so much good in this hard time
    I think now Allah give me this time to make my self strong
    It’s been a month now and am getting and feeling independent already which is very good thing
    Still am praying that hubby wins his appeal and able to drive again
    You are so right about that if he will miss me he will make his way to see me without thinking how to get to me
    Alhamdulih he didn’t miss any night so far yet lol
    But it’s just in between times he not been fair but slowly he will get there
    Reason I didn’t stayed quite and ask for my right was I Remeber once sister Ana told me that if I give up on my rights hubby will think it’s ok to not to give me my time so
    I did not made him do that this time
    He need to learn how to manage
    She been giving him lifts so far and inbetween he tried public transport
    I am so happy to read what you said about my mother in law it made me feel I was doing right by not talking
    Hubby was not well and he went in hospital and on his way back we all were togater and co said all family going in park
    I said like always am not welcome lol
    Then hubby said I don’t contact them then I said to him if he can’t normal and can’t stop going and complaining and involving them then I have no wish to be close to any one
    But they invited every one and I had to go
    I went there and said Salam
    I did not done any house work or any thing I say like guest and spoke normal
    Then mother in law and sister in law were talking normal and sister in law were making silly jokes to annoy me
    But I didn’t really wanted to give them any reason to say any thing
    They were very good with my daughter and I went vd flow but one thing I learn if i keep this behaviour life will be much nicer and calmer in sha Allah
    When I becom daughter and make so much effort they thing it’s ok to hurt but life is much more easy when I learn to avoid every thing and just focus one just one thing that what ever happend in life it’s written and by mercy of Allah
    I got this huge feeling of relying of Allah is coz of sister Ana
    May Allah bless you sister ameen

  • anabellah

    September 23, 2017

    Sis Rosa,

    Thank you much for the infoπŸ“…It’s amazingly awesome how various holidays/events fall around the same time alot of the time

  • Rosa

    September 22, 2017

    Ana it’s the first of Muharram. It’s a new year on the Islamic calendar

  • anabellah

    September 22, 2017

    Mari2,

    Thank you for schooling me. You’re a wealth of information, SisπŸ“–πŸ’‘

  • Mari2

    September 22, 2017

    @Ana

    Today is Mabon, the autumnal equinox when the day and night have the same amount of hours. The earth tilted on it’s axis today. Tomorrow the days begin to shorten and the nights lengthen. Some consider this day to be the culmination of the old year (harvests)and the beginning of a new one. In ancient times, the harvests were mostly in and people began to prepare themselves for the long, cold winter ahead. It was a time of thanks when the harvest was good and would mean a chance of survival during the lean months waiting for spring to arrive. Then in October in the ancient times, the cattle were brought down from high pastures to lower ones in preparation for winter and herded between bonfires.

  • anabellah

    September 22, 2017

    LittleSecret, Happy New Year to you too. Is it a Chinese New Year? Is it the Arabic calendar New Year? Or are you talking about Happy New Year that started on January 1st 2017? LOl.πŸ˜‰

    It’s good to hear from you. It’s been a long time. What’s what’s happening with you?

  • LittleSecret

    September 22, 2017

    Happy New Year sisters. Godbless you all.

  • anabellah

    September 22, 2017

    Mari2,

    Happy Birthday from Polygamy 411

  • anabellah

    September 22, 2017

    Saira,

    No, but really. It could be a test for you that you aren’t able to see him right now. It’s best that you exercise patience and know that Allah has allowed it to be this way for you for His reason(s). Insha Allah, things will get better for you soon. Know that Allah knows what is best for us and He sees and knows all things.

    I suggest you not bother with his mother being that she treats you badly and tells your husband to divorce you and they’ll take the baby. Why are you trying to be close to her? You said you want her to be a mother to you. Well, she’s not your mother and can’t be. It’s best you keep your distance from her. Put her on ignore. Keep doing the good things that you’ve been doing to keep busy. Spend your time asking Allah to put love and fear in your heart for Him and pray that He loves you. What good is it for you to ask Allah to put love in your mother-in-laws heart for you? She can’t do anything for you. Allah says we can bring no good or harm to ourselves unless HE wills it. FOCUS. Focus on Allah and not on your mother-in-law.

  • anabellah

    September 22, 2017

    Happy Birthday, Mari2

    Insha Allah, may your day be fabulous. Try not to get carried away though…

    Happy Birthday from Polygamy 411

    LOL

  • anabellah

    September 22, 2017

    Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I read your posts as well as Serena’s reply to you. I think she gave you very good advice. It helps that she’s familiar with Pakistani culture and can relate to what you’re going through.

    It’s not easy for me to advise you because you’re involved with a cultural situation. Your husband listens to his mother because she’s boss lady, and you know how the story goes. I can’t change culture. The people need to want a change and do something in an effort to bring it about. It ain’t easy.

    You said your husband has no Driver License and he doesn’t like taking public transportation; therefore, you don’t see him much. I suppose you will need to be patient. It’s up to your husband to make arrangements to get to you. I won’t say he needs to take public transportation to get to you. I never was one to take public transportation as in “catch a bus” to get some place type of thing. Some people do it and think nothing of it. Good for them. It’s not for me. It makes me think of a scene in the movie, “crash” when there was talk about taking the bus and why the windows on it were so big – to humiliate the people who have to ride it LOL

    You can’t expect your husband’s other wife to bring him to you and pick him up. If she wants to do it, then it’s different thing. As I had mentioned, it’s his responsibility to arrange to be with you. I don’t know where you live. Here in the States “Ubers” are readily available and Uber service is becoming quite common. My hubz and I have used ubers when we don’t want to drive some place. If your husband doesn’t like taking a bus, then tell him to call an Uber or a cab (taxi) or something. Tell him to get his buddy to drive him to you and take him back. If someone wants to see another badly enough, the person will find a way to get there. That’s for sure…


    Listen baby, ain’t no mountain high,
    Ain’t no valley low, ain’t no river wide enough baby
    If you need me call me no matter where you are
    No matter how far; don’t worry baby
    Just call my name; I’ll be there in a hurry
    You don’t have to worry
    Oh baby there ain’t no mountain high enough
    Ain’t no valley low enough
    Ain’t no river wide enough
    To keep me from getting to you babe
    Remember the day I set you free
    I told you you could always count on me darling
    From that day on, I made a vow
    I’ll be there when you want me
    Some way, some how
    Oh baby there ain’t no mountain high enough
    Ain’t no valley low enough
    Ain’t no river wide enough
    To keep me from getting to you babe
    Oh no darling
    No wind, no rain
    Or winters cold can stop me baby, na na baby
    ‘Cause you are my goal
    If you’re ever in trouble
    I’ll be there on the double
    Just send for me, oh baby, ha
    My love is alive
    Way down in my heart
    Although we are miles apart
    If you ever need a helping hand
    I’ll be there on the double
    Just as fast as I can
    Don’t you know that there
    Ain’t no mountain high enough
    Ain’t no valley low enough
    Ain’t no river wide enough
    To keep me from getting to you babe
    Don’tcha know that there
    Ain’t no mountain high enough
    Ain’t no valley low enough
    Ain’t no river wide enough
    Ain’t mountain high enough
    Ain’t no valley low enough

  • Mari2

    September 21, 2017

    Saira,
    Salam. I agree at one point co was trying to hurt me somewhat when she changed her profile picture to a baby while contacting me to blame me for this and that. As hard as the miscarriage was, and though it does hurt to some degree, Allah has brought me peace with it. I moved on in a more positive way. Tomorrow MASHALLAH I will be 49 years old. The last thing I need or desire is a baby…lol

    I mentioned to my husband this past weekend that I would like to send gifts to his cousin Saima in Pakistan who had a baby girl in July. When I was in Pakistan, Saima made clothes for me out of kindness. She’s a nice person. She married last year. Her mother is a widow with no money. She had no dowry for Saima. Nothing to offer a groom’s family which is protocol in Pakistan. Saima waited a long time to find a groom to accept her. He ended up being a neighbor in her village, and poor too. Saima sewed her own wedding clothes. 2s family didn’t even attend the wedding because it was below them even though Saima is their cousin. No mehndi, no 3 day hoopla. Simple Islamic wedding.

    So I asked M to tell me baby size so I can send gifts to the baby girl of Saima with MIL when she returns in January to Pakistan. M was rather put off. He said, why her and not 2?

    Why not 2? Ummm…yeah, she’s mean. M owns his own business. M lied about his financial ability in order to get Medicaid. He’s on his own.

  • Saira

    September 21, 2017

    Wa Salam
    JazakAllah sister Ana for very fast reply am so relief that we all ok and u have no hard feelings for me
    Hope you have good time sister ameen

  • Saira

    September 21, 2017

    Ment to say
    May Allah make it easy for all of us =

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2017

    Sis Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m not upset with you, dear Sister I’ve just got a lot going on right now, including the hubz and I preparing for my older sister and her hubz from out of State visit for the weekend. Insha Allah, I’ll be back inputting soon. Although I haven’t read everything in-depth, I check my phone for posts to approve. I miss everyone… Insha Allah, I’ll be back ASAP {{{hugs}}}

  • Saira

    September 21, 2017

    Salam to all
    I wrote big reply to mari2 and sister Ana and lost post 😒😒
    Sister Ana I just wanted to ask are you not talking to me and ovoiding me sis or it’s just you busy
    I don’t post much but when ever I do I don’t see reply from you
    Lately I posted and still need your advice so badly
    I been thinking about you 24/7 that why u don’t advice me or ignoring me or busy Allah knows
    But sister I would like to apologise if any time I by mister hurt you and your feelings

    Sister mari2 so creepy your co. Freaked out to hear about child birth she for sure knew how baby went in and some how it will come out πŸ˜‚
    She just want to hurt you same my co she was doing same when she got hold of my number
    But she went around and start twisting things which she still does lol
    One thing I got mad when she keep telling me oh my husband love me so much and she love him so much
    It took me great courage but I said to her first he is not only your now and second I don’t need to know how u love him as am his wife too and it hurt me knowing all this
    And I say to her am sure there is love that’s why we are his wife’s since then I not heard about any love and all
    May Allah make it way for all of us ameen

  • Mari2

    September 20, 2017

    Saira,
    Thank you for your advice. I too have thought about her motives. When she complains about MIL, I do not join her in complaining. When she complains about our husband or accuses him of cheating, I do not agree with her. I am not a rube. I just counsel her with as much patience I can muster.

    She did mention some things about impending birth and I told her to take classes offered for first time mothers. I spoke to her about birth plan, and procedures for child birth in this country. She then said I was “terrifying ” her. Really? Birth plan, epidural, IVs are terrifying? I am kinda fed up with her inability to educate herself. If she wants to walk in cold (in knowledge) for her labor and delivery then so be it.
    She’s far more fixated on her love for M than prepping for birth. Meh. Okay.

  • Rosa

    September 20, 2017

    O my goodness

  • anabellah

    September 20, 2017

    Goldenorange AKA (Also Known As) ali sultan; Allahs Servant; and Aneela; As Salaamu Alaikum

    I second all that ummof4 said! Insha Allah, pick a name and stick with it. Stick with a story that is true as well. Stop jerking people around…

    Below are links to your other posts and the replies are there, as well:

    ali sultan

    Allahs Servant

  • ummof4

    September 20, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Goldenorange you sound a lot like the first wife in a marriage where the second wife said she was prettier and always put the first wife down. She also acted like the daughter of her husband and the first wife was her daughter. We advised her to stop thinking and saying she was better than the first wife, and to stop saying that another person’s daughter was her daughter.

    Are you a new person or the same person now speaking as the first wife?

    If this is the case, please stop playing games. The sisters on this blog truly care about each other. The advice we give is heartfelt. We take our time to make salah, make du’ah and research Islam many times before we give any advice. Marriage is not a game.

    If you are a brand new person to the blog, then welcome, and we will try to assist you in any way we can.

    Everyone please spend a few minutes thanking Allah for what He has given you.

  • Rosa

    September 20, 2017

    Goldenorange welcome. You’ve come to the right place. There’s tons of useful life changing advice on this blog.
    Do you your husband and his other wife live together? Yall sound a little too close for comfort. I have a three year old He he knows good and well he’s my son and I’m his mother. He has never called my husbands wives mama. I wonder if your co is teaching your daughter to call her mom. Children at that age are highly impressionable. Out of respect for you your co wife should kindly tell your daughter she’s not her mom and tell her another name to call her.

  • Serena

    September 20, 2017

    Walaikam assalam Goldenorange

    Welcome to this blog. There’s lots on here about how to live with polygamy. Also feel free to ask for advice relating to your polygamy situation.

    Ana recently wrote a post Pay no attention to others. You should read that if you haven’t already.
    Don’t worry about what others say and don’t let it bother you.

    Has your husband said anything about you not being pretty? We are all Allah’s creatures pretty in our own way. What may be pretty to one may not be to another.

    Whose idea was it for your daughter to call her mama? You should make clear you are the mama and therfore only should called mama. When she calls her mama tell the other wife to say something like I am not mama I am aunty (or whatever you are happy with your daughter calling her). Also when she does say mama to her you should say yes I am mama that’s aunty etc.

    Your daughter is three and at that age they do understand alot. I find it hard to believe she would stop calling you mama. I mean how would a three year old know that just because she is calling the other woman mama she can’t say it to you.

    It’s your daughter so when it’s her sleep time kindly ask the other wife to leave you be with your child or just take your child into your room. You are the mum so you need to be firm.

    I hope the sisters will be able to advise you further.

  • Goldenorange

    September 20, 2017

    Salam,
    I have recently entered the polygamy life and i am really frustrated, i just feel really down.I am the first wife and she is the second.When my husband brought her home, i felt insecurity hit me.She is so beautiful and me im just ordinary.People tell me i am not pretty thats why he married a prettier girl.We have a baby girl together and everytime she goes to her she calls her mama and it hurts me.She hardly even likes sleeping by me and doesnt call me mama no more.Shes only 3 years old but it makes me hurt.

  • Saira

    September 19, 2017

    Sis mari2
    I agree what you saying about your co
    She must have told from her parents and your husbands family that she is proper wife etc and you nothing
    And must be something else in her mind
    Life in Pakistan is much different then here
    But if she can txt you or mean she knows language and not so dumb
    Most girls when come from Pakistan and new here don’t even have mobile phone for long
    And being slave and complaining to you don’t look nice
    I would say stay out of her contact
    If she has full support from in laws it probably she want to try and sneak in your life and create problem for u
    Even if she won’t have that in her mind may be her mum in law give her green flag to annoy you
    In the end what ever you will say it will be not in your favour
    Keep all chat save and never hide from your husband
    And just ignore if u can’t block her
    Am sorry if I am saying too much
    It just I am from other side and I see. Many times in life how parents try every thing to make their son to leave other cAst women
    Again am sorry if I am saying without knowing your all side

  • Saira

    September 19, 2017

    Wasalam sister sarena
    JazakAllah for giving me really good advice
    I been doing same from day one about my mother in law and about all family that Allah puts love in their heart for me and I will continue to do so in sha Allah
    Alhamdulih hubby shop will be done in two weeks time but I don’t want to say he don’t relize he gets so much from his mum and then Co and kids but he does try to make time for us too
    But I have to complain and then he will see if i stay quite and pretend m
    Normal he just keep txting and telling how much he love etc but I have to ask for my right
    He stated to give us time equal then he can’t drive
    I am trying to learn theory and soon in sha Allah will be on road hopefully lol
    My husband never wanted girl but Allah put some strange love between then whole family talk about them now
    He can look after our baby all day I mean all day and you won’t hear a peak and baby stay settle vd him
    He bath her in our night then they both have tv or any activity time togater
    Before I have baby my mother in law and few family member had so many talks that I can’t be good mother but Alhamdulih Allah prove every one wrong
    There few family member had babies around same time
    And only I am breast feeding
    My mum in law incourage every one to breast feed but to me she always says I feed too much and our baby is fat lol
    And her other grandchild who is two moths older then my daughter is very sick baby in their eyes
    I am keeping calm I wish I keep it quite like that but she is my mum in law have to speak to her and May Allah put love in her heart for me
    My husband when he is not angry vd me always says his mother is jealous of me because he love me so much
    I baked cake for his birthday and I send and no one ate a tiny slice and she was telling my husband in our whole life they didn’t celebrate πŸŽ‰ 😯
    I baked some pasty and send and I asked after two days if it was nice she said no she never liked them 😒
    But I am so busy in my life
    I do take my baby to classs and planing to join some activities also I am learning cloths designing and learning Arabic and teaching my baby already
    I stop thinking why my mum in law or any other not happy and how to make them happy
    I am more mature now
    I have not called any one and discus this matter I wrote here and feeling light now

  • Serena

    September 19, 2017

    Mari2

    I feel sorry for your co. You did right by advising her. Her hormones are probably making her feel a lot worse. She must be frustrated and fed up. I don’t blame her. She needs someone to talk to.

    I hope she gets over seeing you as an enemy/rival and a cause of all her marital problems. Mari2 continue to be patient with her but don’t let her cross boundaries.

    I really hope you two can become like sisters inshaAllah. I hope Allah help you handle situations that arise with her.

  • Serena

    September 19, 2017

    Salam

    Saira

    I just wrote a long reply to you and my screen just froze and switched off (strange) and I lost my reply to you. I try and write it again.

    I have been in similar situation with regards to mother in law. I tried so hard with her but it was never good enough. Many times I decided to cut contact but then would visit her again thinking it’s best to forgive.

    She was not pleased with what I would do and would always find faults. Would humiliate me infront of others and would make out she is always innocent and I am the bad one.

    She caused many problems between me and her son. Then she thought the way to really get to me was if her son got another wife. She went as far as finding someone for him but it didn’t work out.

    I would pray and cry to Allah to reveal her true colours. Slowly she was getting caught out. One day she tried something but it went wrong and there were so many people there to witness what she tried to do. Alhumdulillah my dua accepted her being revealed.

    For my own peace I decided to cut all contact with her but unfortunately that also means having to limit contact with a lot of people who know her. I did that so information does not get passed on about what is happening in my life and home. I hope one day inshaAllah we do have a good relationship.

    Is your husband aware of what co is doing? Speak to him calmy and tell him how it’s all affecting you. If he can’t give you day ask him for half a day. Show him you are willing to cooperate. Does he know how long it will take to sort shop out?

    Can you drive if not take driving lessons. Some driving instructors allow you to have a child in the back as long as they are in a car seat. If not ask husband to look after baby. Its normally a 1 hour lesson maybe 2 times a week.

    Enjoy each day with your baby. Maybe go to mother and baby groups. Your health visitor can give you information about that. Try and get out with the baby. Are there any friends you can visit? Don’t waste energy on negative people. Allah is watching all that they are doing.

    Most importantly keep your bond with Allah strong. Once you have that reliance on Allah it won’t matter what people do because what Allah has decided will happen and they will be dealt with by Allah.

  • Mari2

    September 19, 2017

    @Rosa cont.

    I counseled her to pray, read Quran and focus on her blessings bestowed upon her. I told her to look for the positive and give thanks to ALLAH for what she has. And she said ” but I love M so much.” I cautioned her from making M her lord and told her “when your daughter is born, you will feel a love that exceeds the love you think you feel for anyone on earth.”

    I also told her that I do not bear her any ill will however i cannot be in contact unless she stops tilting at windmills. I assured her that i am willing to be her sister but not if she keeps slapping my hand.

    Inshallah all things will be good for her and the baby. I will continue to pray for her peace of mind.

  • Mari2

    September 19, 2017

    Rosa,
    I think her issues are a combination of factors:

    She’s young. Immature and has no past relationship experiences to shape her understanding. She had no Jr high crushes that met with disappointment. She’s never met with rejection of advances. She has no idea of what traits to look for in a partner or the kind of person she would be compatible with. She married a man she last saw 9 years before she married him. They didn’t get to know one another until after marriage. And her reason for marriage and his reason were world’s apart.

    I also think her expectations of what she would have here vs her reality are vastly different. And while she knew of joint living situation after marriage, she doesn’t toe the line with the cultural aspect of serving MIL.

    Last night she texted me again. But this time to state she hates her culture and feels like a slave to MIL and MIL is constantly giving her a hard time.

    The bottom line is that she’s homesick, desperately misses her mother and others in her personal support group. She’s most likely depressed and feeling isolated and feeling as though she’s not getting the emotional support from M that she requires.

    And while chronologically she maybe 20, emotionally she’s like a 14 or 15 year old. And every slight real or imagined she tends to blow out of proportion.

  • Saira

    September 19, 2017

    Salam to all and many thanks to sister Ana for beautiful blog which helps so many of us
    I am not been writing much but in my every hard and easy time I read this blog so much
    It’s like my best fried to me whom I share and get advice from
    Many time I try to post but get so busy vd kids I never able to post lol and next day life shows ups or downs and rewrite and again not get chance to post lol
    Mari2
    Some day I wish I can meet all of yous and hug each other all of us are in some good spirit May Allah make it easy for all of us
    Mari2 I take it u only get two nights (weekend ) spend with your husband is that right?
    If so why is that did you agree in this very less time or u been not given any other option
    Alhamdulih you been so brave
    I don’t hate polygamy but most of people but especially Indians and Pakistani bring there customs and make it look and think it’s part of religion and hats when polygamy looks horrible
    Am a second wife and before I had my daughter who is 7 months old now Alhamdulih I stayed with my mother in law for nearly 3 months I cried in blood not because my mother in law is bad but as I am Pakistani and what ever I do it’s always wrong
    Then Alhamdulih I good very bond vd her but again I was wrong
    What ever I do vd my husband she never happy when my husband goes to her to complain if he fights she then all sudden believe what ever he says to her and blame me for every thing
    My husband not able to drive for some time now and he not been able to take me any where which I understand
    He and co goes every where now togater as she drive
    But he don’t gave me day off and I get so mad and I compliment not in nicely manners but again husband and wife fights it’s normal
    Some how co told her and when he was vd me she called and he said so much nasty to her on phone
    And mother in law said to him u should divorce her and we keep baby as well
    She called my parents so nasty names
    It was nasty very nasty and low grade conversation between them in my house lol
    But I don’t know what happend I done wazu and read namaz and just smile to my husband
    After 45 min when he done vd call he said I don’t back bite and I am not scared I cried and never said any thing
    Since then I promise to my self I have done every thing to make his mother my mother
    She hates me so much now I seen and heard so I cut all contact vd them completely
    So far he never ask me why u not calling my mother but if I ever spoke vd her I won’t be scary little child any more I will say fair enough u don’t like me I can’t try to win your heart any more
    She was convincing his son to go vd her away so we learn lesson
    I don’t understand they allow him to marry me now why can’t they admit I am his wife and I have right on him too.
    Imagine she want to go for umrah and putting fire in his brain to divorce me and they will keep my baby as well
    What kind of umrah is this lol
    My Husband got weak tummy and weak ears
    He hers and say to me and he can’t keep any thing in his tummy
    If he busy me any thing he say to me my mom will be jelous so don’t tell them and then if they see me he tells them he bought me
    And I get eyes wow u lucky your husband buys u things we never had that πŸ˜‚
    But very long post am sorry
    Sister ana if you read my post plz help me I am struggling
    Tell me what can I do for my self
    I am miserable 24/7 now
    Hubby lost his driving licence and won’t be driving for long time if we won’t win case he won’t be driving untill 2019😒
    Co drives him around she picks him up and takes me every where
    I see him less now
    He is busy rebuilding his shop and can’t give me any day untill he done his shop
    But she drops him to mine and pick him up to
    Very less privacy we have
    He. Don’t like public transport and co makes every effort most of time to make him not c me in his night and take him home and in my night she takes him straight to home and drop after few hours
    My co is doing what ever to make us fight he gave me this Sunday and told me so nicely he is busy now vd new business and he need my support but I am frustrated
    Plz give magical advice plz😘

  • Rosa

    September 19, 2017

    Mari2

    2 sounds suicidal. I pray she gets the help she needs and not harm her unborn child by not nourishing her with food, vitamins and minerals. I applaud your patience, taking the high road and like MO said when they go low you go high πŸ˜‡

  • Mari2

    September 18, 2017

    Salam to all. This weekend was an interesting one to say the least. M gave 2 a cell with internet access and she went kinda crazy texting me all day Saturday. I have no idea how she got my phone number but she went a bit off the deep end. I didn’t want to respond to her at first, but M asked me to reply kindly and counsel her. Though I did try, I felt as though I was repeatedly slamming my head upon a brick wall. Why? She was not asking advice. She was tossing crazy accusations here and there. Talking in circles. Languishing in hyperbole and being ever ridiculous. I think Allah helped me be patient. And oh I tried. But she’s IMO a ball of crazy. Logic cannot permeate her zone of irrationality.

    Here’s a clip of things she lobbed at me:
    I am not his real wife.
    Allah did not chose me as M’s life partner.
    I destroyed her marriage.
    I committed fraud in her marriage.
    I am the problem in her marriage.
    I am the reason it took her 3 months to get pregnant.
    My presence makes her cry everyday.
    If I would leave, M would love her.
    I am an “aged woman” so I don’t need a husband.
    I cause her embarassment in her “society”.
    I am the sole reason for her unhappiness.
    Her “society” doesn’t permit polygamy or divorce so I should leave.
    I am not a real Muslim.
    And because of me, M doesn’t “do justice ” to her.

    I pretty much schooled her (nicely) as to the above statements. So THEN she started in with:
    M is a cheater. Inshallah Allah destroys his life.
    I pray to ALLAH for my death.
    I will cry until M loves me as I am his true wife.
    M has destroyed me.
    M makes me cry everyday and Inshallah one day he will cry when I am gone.
    M will not give me justice.

    Then she flipped to:
    M said he’s going to divorce you just like he did R. M says that you give him too many bills.

    Then flipped too:
    Oh I have a terrible headache because of tension. I haven’t eaten all day. My baby begs for food,but I don’t have the heart to eat. I am busy crying.

    Then:
    No one likes me. Nobody listens to me. Everyone fighting with me.

    Me (in my head): …….. (brain fried).

    Next day: “Tell cheater M____ to call me. That is how he won’t do justice. He won’t answer when I call him Saturday and Sunday. ”

    I then promptly blocked her. I tried to do as M requested. But I just can’t ride that wave of crazy.

  • Mari2

    September 18, 2017

    Ana,
    Thank you for your kind words. I just happen to be a geek when in comes to genetics and am continually fascinated by both the complexity and simplicity.

  • anabellah

    September 16, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All You Wonderful People Out There in Cyberspace,

    I’ve finally had an opportunity to write another article as a reminder to us all. Here the link.

    If anyone has anything to discuss, we are here. I get notified on my cellphone whenever a posts comes through and is awaiting approval. I have my phone with me most of the time. I hope all of you are well. All is good on my end – just trying to stay focused on the One and enjoying life. πŸ™‚

  • anabellah

    September 15, 2017

    Wow, Mari 2,

    It is quite interesting. I’ve noticed from many of your posts that you are very knowledgeable and quite versed on the topic. It’s impressive. Alhumdulliah! Thanks for sharing..

  • Mari2

    September 15, 2017

    Ana,

    Genetics are fascinating to me. It’s amazing how the intermingling of two persons’ DNA can produce similar children and children who are incredibly different. Allah is so amazing in this.

    My grandmother had 6 children. 3 sons. One had brown curly hair and blue eyes like her husband. One had red hair and freckles like her father and one had jet black hair, brown eyes and dark skin like her MIL of Spanish descent. An amazing menu of family traits.

    My own two children look vastly different. My daughter favors her father but has blue eyes though neither he nor I do. And my son is the spitting image of my dad.

    And I too have known women who’ve had many kids relatively quickly in succession who had similar experiences with children born with either genetic issues or health issues. I am sure age of mom also is a factor.

    One woman I know had 7 when she began to experience repeated miscarriages and deadly trisomy issues with subsequent pregnancies. Her Dr urged her to use Natural Family Planning to rest her body. He actually said “you’re no spring chicken anymore. Listen to your body.” But she just kept on at it and one miscarriage nearly caused her to die. She had 2 more children, but it took 8 years and many miscarriages. She died at age 49 years of kidney failure and pancreatic issues due to repeated bouts of gestational diabetes and blood pressure issues. Her youngest was 5.

  • anabellah

    September 13, 2017

    I have a relative who was the only child and she vowed that she’d get married and have 10 children. Well, the more she had the more they began to come out handicapped and mentally challenged. The doctor had said she was having too many, too quickly. By the time the 9th one arrived, he recommended that she have no more. She took his advice. They were a lovely family, though. They all looked after one another. I saw it. It was beautiful…

  • Mari2

    September 13, 2017

    Serena,
    I realize that in the Pakistani culture not everyone feels the same way about girls. And I have no doubt that M will love and be close to his daughter. But he was raised in an atmosphere that thought differently with regards to female children.

    M was the first born son. His mom then had another son soon after. The third child was his sister H. When she was around 3 years old, M’s father fostered her to a childless couple. Fortunately for H, the couple was very kind. They fed her, clothed her and paid for her education. H still has a close relationship to them to this day. M remembers that H would come visit from time to time but return to her foster parents. M’s mom then had a third son. Then another daughter. His youngest sister was barely 2 years old when his dad died. Had his father not passed away, his youngest sister would also have been fostered out. That’s how his father and other family members dealt with large amounts of children, and limited resources. Foster out the girls.

  • Mari2

    September 13, 2017

    I too was thrilled to have a girl. Maybe it goes back to the days when I used to dress up my dolls and do their hair…lol. It’s far more fun to dress a girl child IMO. Stores have huge sections of girl clothes. Boy clothes just aren’t as fun or plentiful.

  • Marah S

    September 12, 2017

    I really don’t get it, I’ve always wanted my first child to be a girl and alhamdolillah that’s what I got. Of course I wouldn’t have minded either way. My family is Arab but very few of them hold on to that cultural nonesense. why can’t people just accept that Allah has already decreed how many children we will or won’t have and whether they will be male or female, and what Allah wills is what’s best for us. Mari 2’s co-wife is delisional to blame someone else for the decree of Allah https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • Mari2

    September 12, 2017

    @Ana,

    I have but a whit of patience with 2. I choose to ignore her. However, I know what you are saying about religion/culture and the want or no want of children. When I was part of Catholisim, in my church there was a small contingent of people who believed a good wife pops out kids like a pez dispenser until her uterus hits the floor. 9, 10, even 13 children. As if the more kids she has the better able she is to prove she’s blessed. Never mind that feeding and clothing said children are a hardship. Families on the dole. But turn a judgemental eye to mothers who chose to limit family size. My friend with 2 kids was asked repeatedly by this “cult” of women why she had only 2 children. My friend replied “because I chose to have but 2.” GASP!! From the denim jumper wearing mommas. One even told her “you must not be a real Catholic ”
    Seriously. My friend was rather put out that this woman accusing her of not being a real Catholic was fine with wallowing in poverty with her litter and accepting handouts.

  • Serena

    September 12, 2017

    This may sound crazy but I have seen newly wed woman put up pictures of baby boys on their social media. They do so when they are pregnant too. I believe they believe by doing so they might give birth to a baby boy!

  • Serena

    September 12, 2017

    Salam

    Mari2

    Although Pakistani men love to have a male child they do get over it if it’s a female. They adore their daughter’s and are very protective towards them. I have seen it. The daughter’s tend to be close to their father. It’s no surprise your husband isn’t disappointed. He probably is relieved he done his bit and she is pregnant.

    Lets hope inshaAllah once baby is born no.2 is happy and appreciates what Allah has given her and inshaAllah hope her motherly instincts kick in and she will get over not having a boy.

    You’re right there is pressure to get pregnant asap after marriage and the hope the first child will be a boy. I heard of an elder man who wouldn’t come to see the baby if a granddaughter was born. There are probably many more like him. Some of them think it’s a shame having to tell relatives and the community that it’s a girl.

    Alhumdulillah my family and some relatives as well as many Pakistani that I know share out sweets (mithai) that are normally shared out when a boy is born.

    I find the younger generation raised in the West are happy wether it’s a boy or a girl. The educated ones from countries with large Muslim population still have got that bit of culture in them to want a boy especially the first born.

    Mari2 alhumdulillah Allah blessed you with two children. Allah knows what’s best for us. You doing well by turning to Allah to help you through.

  • anabellah

    September 11, 2017

    Hey Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m not at all surprised by the hoopla surrounding the Pakistanis and many other nationalities/cultures’ desire for a male heir – the importance stressed upon it. It makes me think of something that happened when my hubz and I went to Hajj years ago. As I’ve stated before, we went to hajj with a Pakistani group. The question I kept getting was: How many kids do you have? Do you have any children? When I’d nonchalantly say no with no explanation, I got questioned by some as to why not? I suppose they felt comfortable asking me why not after I expressed no emotion about it – no sadness or anything of the sort. My reply was simply: “I don’t want any and my husband doesn’t want any either.” Then they’d look at me as though I had two heads. LOL – as though it was the most peculiar thing they’ve ever heard of SMH. Oh, well.

    About 2 not being happy, I’m not surprised. Allah says surely His servants are ungrateful. It takes a lot for one to be truly grateful to Allah. Most people just aren’t. If one can’t be grateful to Allah who created the Heavens and the Earth and All Between, who provides for ALL, non-believer and believers alike, even those who don’t serve Him, how can they be grateful to a human?

    2 blaming your husband’s love for you as being the reason she is having a girl is just plain idiotic. I don’t know how you have the patience for the non-sense… Better you than me. Keep up the good work. Stay strong. Continue to be patient and ignore ignorance.

  • Mari2

    September 11, 2017

    Salam to all. Thank you for your encouraging words. I will admit that as I age, I look at motherhood with romanticism. But then I remember the long, hard, yet joyous time raising my two and think “thank goodness I am done”.

    I don’t want anyone here to think that M is disappointed with having a daughter. What he feels is pressure from the outside. Not sure if it’s a Pakistani pressure per say, or just cultural from his neck of the woods in KPK. M told me that from the instant a couple is married, there’s pressure to impregnate the wife quickly. Why? He had no definitive answer. However, there was dismay put upon him that 2 didn’t conceive during the 18 days post marriage prior to him returning to the US.

    Then 2 arrived here in January and the race was on to impregnate her quickly. And each month that she got her period, he was harassed not only by family members but by 2 herself because she wasn’t yet pregnant.

    Three months later she was pregnant. Was that relief for either of them? Nope. Then it was praying for a boy. Everyone in Pakistan waiting to hear what the sex of the baby is. Annnnd, it’s a girl. He’s not upset. 2 is. Why? Because she can’t laud herself as a mother of a son. Somewhere in their Islamacultural disconnect, a daughter is not seen as ALLAH’S blessing. Only a son is.

    Is 2 content with becoming a mother? Is she happy to be giving birth to Ms child? Is she happy with the five days and nights with her husband vs my 2? Is she aware of how lucky she is? No. She is not. Instead, she constantly accuses him of loving me more than her. And his love for me is the reason she’s having a girl. Seriously.

  • Flower

    September 9, 2017

    Whilst on the subject of polgamy and female babies. There is a movie about a mother in law who encouraged her son to take another wife because the current wife could nt have children. He did get another and impregnate her, and she had a girl. The movie ends with a bitter faced mother in law holding a baby girl lol.

  • Rosa

    September 9, 2017

    I think people who have that lingering stigma of giving birth to girls are outright unbelievable. Islam has honoured women in more ways than not. Imagine in this century if women only birthed boys. There’d be no women to birth the next century of more boys. Women raise boys that eventually become husbands, providers, maintainers, doctors, engineers. I don’t understand how mari2 mother in law could snare when she found out the baby being a girl when she was once a girl herself. How would she feel if her mother and family thought it a disappointment when she came into this world because she wasn’t a boy. It’s ridiculous and so backwards. Women in Islam are honoured as wives and mothers who lovingly raise their children 24/7 night n day, blood sweat and tears. I pray Allah blesses me with a pious daughter one day InshaAllah my sons also pray for a sister lol πŸ™‚

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    September 9, 2017

    AOA,
    Everyone, belated eid mubarek to you all. Very sad to read about Ali Sultan and his stupidity. I hope some day in Pakistan we are required by law to study about what Islam says about marriage and those who qualify should be given a marriage license like they do in Malaysia.
    Seems to be the case that we are too lost in this world to even learn about what Islam and the Holy Prophet PBUH have taught us about marriage, rights or wife and husband etc etc.
    I once did come real close to marrying a second wife without proper knowledge and was about to create a real mess. Thanks to Allah SWA that I listened to you all. Anyways I pray that all involved in Ali Sultan tragedy are able to learn from their mistakes and if possible reconcile. My prayers to all ..
    Allah haffiz

  • Marah S

    September 8, 2017

    Mari2,

    Hang in there, you seem to be doing so well, considering how everything has gone down all this time. I’m sure you can get through this too with the help of Allah.

    It’s natural not to be excited about your husband having a baby with someone else, I can’t even imagine I think I’d be a wreck.

    I can’t believe there are still people on this earth who have these prejudices towards baby girls. What gets me even more is women who also have these issues. It’s down right stupidity.

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2017

    I hope all who are in the path of the three hurricanes are safe and secure. The hurricanes are an evident sign of the Power of Allah…

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2017

    Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good to hear from you, Sis. It’s been a while since you stopped in. The hubz and I had a very nice, enjoyable Eid celebration. It was one of the more memorable ones.

    When you mentioned “Allahs Servant et al stories”, I was confused there for a moment. I forgot that it was a commentator’s username. LOL. Those were some interesting stories…

    Mari2, I certainly understand how you’re feeling a certain way about 2 having a baby with your husband. What woman wouldn’t? It’s just natural for you to feel that way. So, try not to beat yourself up. It’s a tremendous test/trial for any woman to know that her husband is having a child with another woman. At least you’re honest with yourself and are trying to cope with your feelings in a positive way. Keep turning to Allah for His help and ask Him to give you the strength that you need to deal with it. Insha Allah, it’ll get to a point where you won’t be fazed by it at all. You won’t even care. As you said, you have two wonderful children from your first marriage. Alhumdulliah.

    When you said she is having a girl, right away I thought – oh, know -. I could imagine the thoughts going through her and his family members minds. You mean she’s not having a precious “boy”? Let’s just be glad they won’t bury her alive…. πŸ™

  • Mari2

    September 8, 2017

    Salam to all,
    I pray all had a blessed Eid. I tried to read the Allahs Servant et al stories. Sorry that I did. This is a great site for bonifide advice from sisters and brothers who live in, and sometimes struggle with polygamous marriages. It’s unfortunate when others troll for their own pleasure.

    I am doing well. Over this past summer I have struggled a bit with the impending birth of M and 2s baby. It opened old wounds of the past and as I relied on Allah to bring me through this, I began to push M away. It was and is a confusing mix of emotions…to be happy for him but at the same time resent him for having a second chance to have a child and my chances at pregnancy are finished. This is truly a test. And may Allah continue to support me as I pray for peace.

    And it isn’t as if Allah didn’t already bless me with 2 wonderful children from my first marriage. I am blessed to have had that opportunity when so many have not. So part of me is sad. The other part of me tells me to get over it. Like I said..its just a mix of crazy emotions.

    M and 2 are having a girl. As soon as he told me girl…i was like “yeeeees”! Pretty dresses! Adorable hairstyles! Princess tea parties! Fashionable old navy outfits! Then he said “the grandparents are disappointed. No one celebrates when a girl is born.” But M does realize the sex of the child is his doing. I think he’s somewhat excited despite the chilly reception of family members including his mother.

  • anabellah

    September 7, 2017

    Alison, Hey, As Salaamu Alaikum, https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    I just realized that I didn’t reply to you. I was meaning to, but I suppose I got so excited about the Eid and celebrations that it slipped my mind. It dawned on me last night.

    I’m so happy you are still with us and are reading along. I pray all is going well for you and you still have peace and contentment in your life. I always think of you as soon as I put up a new post/thread for the month.

    Thank you much for checking in with us. Stay strong https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Serena

    September 6, 2017

    Salam

    For a moment I thought Aneela was another Ali sultan/Allahs Servant.

    Aneela

    It’s good you are managing to help your aunt. Is there anything in particular that you said that has helped her. You could also tell her about this blog incase she wants to ask anything relating to polygamy or even just read what others have posted.

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2017

    Dee,

    First, I’d like to thank you for your kind and complimentary words. I appreciate it. All praise is due to God.

    I must say that I don’t talk about my life much any longer since my identity and that of my husband is now known to the public out there in cyberspace. It was different when I blogged anonymously (using the alias “ana”) for the first 5 1/2 years of managing the blog.

    The posts that I write here are based on my knowledge of Islam and the Quran that I’ve acquired over the 30 plus years of being Muslim, diligently studying it and having a knowledgeable mentor. I’ve learned much from having this blog, which has been in existence since Feb. 2009. I enjoy being the administrator of this blog and I’m so thankful to Allah for giving us this forum and allowing me to converse with various persons globally. As I mentioned in the book, it’s based on a true story of an American female who lived a polygamous life in the US.

    I hope what I’ve mentioned answers some of your questions and allows you to understand a bit more about me. I wrote this somewhat hurriedly, as I’m quite busy at the moment.

  • Dee

    September 6, 2017

    Ana, would you be so kind as to share your story or direct me to a previous post of yours where you write about your self? I think you are a very interesting person and from what I can already tell a fantastic writer. Where do you get your information on the matter? Are you a polygamist your self, or a diligent researcher of the topic? I admire your dedication to the matter

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2017

    Aneela,

    May Allah bless you and your family, too! I’m always happy to hear the book is helping others. It’s what’s most important. There is so much written by men about polygamy, but what do they really know about women when we are so different. Allah says He did not make the male to be like the female.

    Women need to know that they are not alone in how they feel and think. No one wants to feel or think they they are the only one. Only Allah is One.

  • Aneela

    September 6, 2017

    Because of your book know we can understand my aunt because she is in a polygamy relationship.My mom thanks you a lot.Know we are even a little help to get her out of depressed mode.May Allah bless you!

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2017

    I agree. Insha Allah, we’ll help as best we can…

  • Flower

    September 6, 2017

    There is some truth in Ali sultan and the other persons comments. They definetly need help…..wether the story is true, partly true or entirely made up, help is what they need.

  • Rosa

    September 6, 2017

    What theeeeeeeeeeee. Okay Allah’s servant you are really frieghtening me.

    I too found it difficult to comment due to the constant inconsistencies with this storyline. InshaAllah they get the help they so desperately need

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2017

    Aneela,

    It’s best that the men house their wives in separate dwellings, even if it’s a two family house or apartment near each other. There is no indication anywhere that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) housed his wives in a single dwelling, as though he had a harem.

    There are so many reasons that one could site as to why having wives live together would be unseemly, immoral and torturous. One could see if there was a dire emergency, such as a fire that destroyed the one wife’s home that warranted them to have to live together temporarily in the same home.

    Aneela, I’m happy to hear that you and your mom enjoyed reading the book. I’m getting good responses from many readers. Alhumdulliah. Positive feedback is always welcomed πŸ™‚

    I’m a bit sleepy now. Insha Allah, I’ll be back later in the day.

  • Aneela

    September 6, 2017

    So, when men get into polygamous relationships do they have to have both wives living in the same house? Or do each have their own privacy. Ma sha allah you are a great author and i loved your silent tears of polygamy in fact my mom was so interested in your book she wouldnt even hold it down.

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2017

    aneela,

    What is your question? I’ll try to answer as best I can, Insha Allah.

  • Aneela

    September 6, 2017

    I am aneela from Washington and would like to have a few questions answered as you seem like a person of knowledge

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2017

    Okay, Insha Allah, I’m going to retire to the boudoir to get some shuteye.polygamy 411 If I should happen to hear the notification on my phone that a new post is pending approval, I’ll check it out. Otherwise, I’ll be back later.

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2017

    We don’t allow different email addresses for the same person. It’s best you proceed as “Allahs servant”.

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2017

    What seems to be the problem?

  • Allahs servant

    September 6, 2017

    How funny i need help though

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2017

    I can’t help you. I have no expertise in psychosis.

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2017

    Game is over…

  • Allahs servant

    September 6, 2017

    Yes how do you know? But shes a different girl.need a good relationship with her so thats why i need help

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2017

    Allahs servant

    Are you the “second wife” portraying yourself as the one who married first? Are you one and the same?

  • Allahs servant

    September 6, 2017

    Im not innocent you know what i am a waste of space. And you have really no right to call her a skank or anything of that sort.She too is a women just like you guys.even though we have problems doesnt mean you can trample over people.And you sound like your a pious holy maria that never did anything wrong

  • Allahs servant

    September 6, 2017

    Thanks for letting me know how you guys are really are.

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2017

    Dee, welcome πŸ™‚

    You called it right! It’s all a bunch of bullsh!t or should I say horse sh!t that they seem to have made up. Some people don’t have anything better to do than try to jerk others around. From what I can gather, the two are in the US. There are a few tell-tale signs that points towards fabrication.

  • anabellah

    September 6, 2017

    Allah servant, this is what I got from what you and “Ali Sultan” wrote. I wrote it before reading your last two posts.

    Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    It’s good to hear from you, sister! πŸ™‚ Insha Allah, all will go well for you this new semester.

    It’s funny; when you wrote here, I was just going over in my head what “Allahs Servant” had written. I became a little leery the same as Serena was from the onset. As you said, what she wrote just doesn’t add up. I like the way you outlined it. You would know much about Pakistani way of life. Although, there is much more to it, as well. πŸ™

    Here is a 17 year old who was portrayed as being an innocent, young first wife who was put upon by her young 20 year old husband who brought home a nasty, skank whom he allegedly married because she begged him to. Supposedly, his mother welcomed the newcomer with open arms and blames the 17 year-old virgin bride, pure as the driven snow for it. His new wife then laid with his YOUNGER brother and conceived a child whom she aborted. When the husband sees the one wife haul off and attempt to strike the first wife, he instantly divorces her (the abuser). Simultaneously, he divorces her.

    Daddy, who learns of what was going on, comes to rescue his precious 17 year-old daughter. The devastated, abused 17 year-old, who could barely function and took refuge in her bedroom, seemingly on the verge of a nervous breakdown, makes it to the States in flight. Once she gets there, she happens to meet up with a man whom arms she had once before fallen into accidentally – a man who rescued her on the street after she had taken depression meds or somthing which caused her to fall out. Now, she coincidentally meets up with the man (knight-in-shining armor) as soon as she hits the States, and the man asks her wali for her hand in marriage. The once devastated, non-functioning, zombie like young girl in destress comes alive and is ready to wed again. Yet, she wouldn’t let her husband tough her before. Maybe it’s so. Maybe she was in love with prince charming before marrying the 20 year old. Who knows???

    Allahs servant, maybe you could shed some more light on what is happening with you, your husband and this other man. Threatening suicide won’t hurt anyone here. If you don’t mind looking forward to the Hellfire, then what more could we say? I’d rather endure all hell on earth than that in the Hereafter.

  • Dee

    September 6, 2017

    2 days? All that unraveled in 2 days? I’m sorry I’m new to this blog, I came across it this week,as I was looking for polygamy info to explain plural marriage to my 9 yr old who happened to watch Sister Wives and get curious. But I m reading this thread and unless the msgs posted are posted way later than they r submitted, the timeline makes no sense. 2 days ago the father in law didn’t even know. Now he’s already on way to Pakistan? That is not believable. Also, the potential suitor is someone the wife got help from when she ODd and fell in Pakistan, why is she talking about him like he’s going to be in US with her? She speaks of him letting her be independent, “my husband wd have never allowed me to work in Pakistan, but this is America”. How is this America? You r all in Pakistan!
    This is def a joke gone bad and long. On the bright side I m learning so much from all of ur responses on the matter, so I guess I’m getting what I came here for.

  • Allahs servant

    September 6, 2017

    Btw I got a dipolama even know since i graduated early as a valedictorian which wasnt worth it.

  • Allahs servant

    September 6, 2017

    If you dont believe me then its fine.Life isnt easy for most and yes my father does have money.Actually you know what the best way to leave is to commit suicide im tired of you guys everyone constantly telling me im a failure, i have a heart.Its peirced in my heart and i know i shouldnt have came on this.I dont know what to do Anna either i can die or live but its not worth it because im not worth it.my father was in dubai in a meeting.and we are aloud to leave without them.

  • Spirited

    September 6, 2017

    Salaam,
    Hey guys. Recent posts had me scratching my head a bit. That stuff seemed like it was way too fast (maybe because there’s no time stamp on posts). Like, for instance, the fastest I’ve personally experienced a flight from US to Pakistan was 12 hours. And that’s from east coast (JFK) non-stop to Lahore in Pakistan. I could imagine there might be faster if maybe the flight went elsewhere but dang her father got there right quick didn’t he? It usually takes a day to even get things in order for a normal human, before and after a long flight.

    It was also weird about the timing of this Ali guy’s 2nd wife’s alleged pregnancy and almost immediate termination of said pregnancy. Most women don’t even realize they’re pregnant that quickly. He added in a later post that she had an affair with his youngest brother so if that had been going on before he married her, that might cover that bit of oddness. Not to say it couldn’t happen as he presented it, but again, that would be kind of different. The thing that gets me about this is the pregnancy’s termination. How was that accomplished? Did the 2nd wife not live in the same house? As far as my experiences in Pakistan, women do not leave the house alone. If (and it’s a BIG if) a woman isn’t being accompanied by a male relative, she would go out with other women. Thus, someone had to know where she was going and provide money for an abortion or the abortion medication. Plus, not to mention, this is a sin. If the mother-in-law truly is as overbearing as she is presented to be, she wouldn’t have allowed this to happen. Unless, I suppose, it was to cover up the alleged affair with the younger brother.

    I have to admit that I’m finding it hard to believe. It almost sounds like a bad Pakistani daytime soap. But that might be just because I don’t trust anything people living in Pakistan say anymore.

    Why would the mother-in-law antagonize her son’s 1st wife? She was (is) his ticket to the US. Makes no sense as they hadn’t been married long enough for even immigration paperwork to be filed. How did the 1st wife even get divorce papers that fast? Everything goes like molasses in that country, especially anything to do with government (unless you grease some hands with good old $$ — I suppose her father could have done that).

    The 1st wife, who is looking at greener pastures, I don’t see how she plans to be independent. Is she going back to the US to go finish high school and college? Is she staying in Pakistan to be independent without any sort of degree there either? There’s not much of an option in either country without an education. Especially for women in Pakistan.

    And then, she says her dad came from another state to take her away. Did he not go from the US to Pakistan? Did she make an error and say “another state” but she meant “another country” or is she (if it’s a “she”) just playing a game?

    Is it one person pretending to be two people?
    Two bored Pakistani guys having fun from their homes pretending to be a guy and his wife? Will we be hearing from the adulterous 2nd wife soon?

    I’m really not convinced about the credibility of these people. If they’re genuine, then you gals and Mr. Musa have already given fair advice which they should read over. Not to mention the iddat period that is built into divorce proceedings (islamically and legally in Pakistan).

    Well, just my thoughts.
    Hope you all are well btw. New semester has begun. Insha’Allah it won’t be too much if a doozy. Pray for me, lol

  • Allahs Servant

    September 5, 2017

    Im really confused.When i was getting married all i knew was i was doing it for my dad.Then when i got married i liked him a lot but then again his verball abuse and emotional abuse.When she came in his life it got worser it wasn’t just him, it was his wife and his mother.I couldnt cope and took pills one day and left to the bazaar and there i feel and a man helped me up but he didnt look like the type who would do it just for a gurl to see him.As the day i found out he married again i kept thinking about what i did wrong or where i went wrong.was it because i didnt let him touch me? Or was it because i was not pretty enough.Or was there something wrong with me? As i flew out to my place i felt at ease but then seen the same guy that helped me that day came as my suitor.I was beyond shocked and lots of stuff went around in my head but he was as shocked i was.When i talked to him with my wali and how i wanted to be independent.Before i even told him what my husband did he wrote down that he on his own, will give his right away of polygamy.I didnt know what to expect.

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2017

    All, please make sure you didn’t miss any posts below, as I may have approved some out of order. I was writing when some came through for approval.

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2017

    Allahs Servant,

    Alhumdulliah you reached out to us. I’m assuming your husband may have suggested that you do so. From what I can gather from his post, it seems that he realized he may have not done the best thing in marrying the other woman and presenting her to you as he did. It doesn’t excuse him for bringing her home in such a manner and oppressing you in the situation.

    I perceive him as being a very young man who realizes that he may not have acted in a reasonable manner given the lack of moral character of the woman whom he married. He didn’t act wisely in having brought her home to where you reside and having in essence said that you have to like it or lump it, meaning accept it or too bad for you.

    Based on the post that you wrote, it sounds to me that you love your husband and want to stay married to him. Allah tells us to forgive even when we are angry. I think out of all that has happened good resulted in that your husband felt his love for you. Yes, he acted foolishly, but we all err and will continue to.

    I suggest you not be so hasty in seeking a divorce. Perhaps you’d want to give you and him some space from each other to assess the situation, clear your heads and work on what you could intend to do to go forward together in the best way with the help and permission of Allah. There is a certain time frame that Allah allows for separation before you must decide to divorce or stay together. You have plenty of time for divorce if giving your marriage a second chance doesn’t work out.

    You may want to wait to get back together until you could have an apartment/flat of your own so that you don’t have to be subjected to the verbal abuse of his mother. She has no right to speak to you as she does. The same way that she expects respect from you, you deserve it from her.

    Those are my thoughts on the matter. You said the religious ulema said you should get a divorce as there is someone better out there. Who? Him, the religious ulema??? Anyhow, how would he know? Allah knows best. If you love your husband, take your time and work it out. He sounds to be a sweetheart when he’s not acting like a jack@$$.

  • Serena

    September 5, 2017

    Ana

    Yes I thought that too maybe husband and wife? Then I remembered how someone think it was confused and depressed was posting under different names even pretending to be her own co wife just to get different views.

  • Serena

    September 5, 2017

    Allahs Servant

    Welcome to the blog.

    It was inconsiderate for your husband to force you to stay in same house that he bought his new wife to.

    You are young and say you are not sure if you was ready for marriage. How did you find marital life before he bought home another wife? It also depends on if you love your husband.

    You go on to say you have met someone who will let you be independent after marriage. Make sure he you include it in your contract.

    Sister what if this man you met marries someone else few years down the line? What is your view on polygamy?

    Sorry my reply is rushed but I hope others will give you further advice.

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2017

    Serena, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    If all is on the up and up, it appears that Allahs Servant is the wife of Ali sultan.

  • Serena

    September 5, 2017

    Ali sultan

    Everything seems to be happening so fast. One marriage then another marriage. One divorce then another wife leaving you. You messed up big time. Sometimes one mistake is just one mistake too much.

    Did her father talk to you? Was anything discussed? What divorce papers do you have?If your first has made up her mind then apart from dua what else can you can do? It’s not about you getting what you want all the time.

    I think she made right decision. Why waste her time with someone who put her through what you did in such short space of time as well as having to deal with your mother. Imagine spending the rest of married life like that. Why should she oppress herself.

    You my brother use this time to reflect on everything that has happened. Let yourself heal and insha-Allah you will find someone else and don’t make same mistakes again. Allah is the turner of hearts and if you two are meant to be together then nothing or no one can stop it from happening.

    If things work out or you get a complete new wife next time lodge your her separately from your mum and definitely not in a house where your younger brother is around your wife. Remember your brother is also at fault for the affair your second wife had.

    Tell him to repent. We all need to. Ask Allah to forgive you and guide you to whats good for you.

  • Serena

    September 5, 2017

    Salam

    Allahs Servant and Ali sultan

    Is there a link somewhere between your posts?

  • Allahs Servant

    September 5, 2017

    A month ago my husband brought home another wife and told me i had to live in the same house with her, we dont have kids but it stresses me out. So my dad came out from another state to take me away from him.Im 17 and dont know what to do i have heard lots about you anna and i need help.I dont know if im ready for polygamy heck i wasnt even ready for a marriage.I dont know either to get a divorce or to stay with him. I did an istikhara ( prayer for guidance) and asked a well known religous ulema and he says i should get a divorce as there is someone better out there. But if i divorce him ill have to marry another man and i have just met him he sounds nice and well manerred but i think i should be independent but at the same time he said i can be independent after marriage with him.My husband would have never aloud that i went to work in pakistan but this is america.I need help everyone.

  • Ali sultan

    September 5, 2017

    I tried to stop her from leaving but she left with her father.I dont know what to do. I got the divorce papers in my hand and she already has suitors that want to marry her in the US.I feel sick and tired.It was my idea to marry the first one because she was so caring and funny but know shes leaving me.What if she marries again? She will get someone better than me. I just dont want her to marry someone else.

  • Imam Musa Mohammed Phoenix Az

    September 5, 2017

    My young brother i see whole picture now , you are not ready yet you havvent gave yiur first a chance ? Th e other sister is jealous of you guys future number one she should be a big sister about this number she killed your baby? Brother as your older brother you must listen to me u are a b out to lose a good woman you got great future with first wife the s econd one playing u and trying make your wife upset if she ha d good intentions i w ould say keep her but she doesnt and you to young to manage this at 20 she way to much for you she not humble to understand you and your wife are kids. Let it alone til you get your young Queen bacj or you gone sorry listen your brother

  • anabellah

    September 5, 2017

    Ali Sultan,

    Insha Allah, all will be okay with you and your wife in time. I suggest you not pressure her much right now. Give her space and time to come around on her own. I’m hoping the other woman is out your house now or soon will be. If she is still in there, the chances of your first wife softening towards you and coming out that room is not likely. Once the other is gone from your home and you’ve given your first wife some breathing room, she may start to come around and be receptive to you. You’re going to need to be patient with her. I hope you’re turning your attention to Allah and will try to get right with Him. He’s your only hope in mending your marriage. I’m hoping the best for you. You are very young, so these are some of your growing pains. It hurts now, but you can heal. We live it and learn it…

  • Ali Sultan

    September 5, 2017

    Its alright. Maybe i can fix everything with her and her father found out from a family member and is flying out here.I hope my wife doesn’t leave me, as i know i did wrong to her.I asked her for forgiveness but i heard no noise from the other side as she had her door closed since yesterday.I feel disturbed seeing the door closed and she wont answer.I feel really bad.

  • Marah S

    September 5, 2017

    Ali Sultan,

    I want to apologize for judging you so quickly and being harsh. Your first post really shocked me but I think I’ve gotten more understanding now. You’re really young and so is your wife, so I can understand how you made such a poor decision. It seems like you were caught in a difficult situation and didn’t know how to do the right thing.

    I think you were naive to marry that woman just because she asked, she sounds like an evil person who used you to get whatever she wanted. I hope with her out of your life you can rebuild a relationship with your first wife. you could have a really good thing together if you both make a good effort in relying on Allah and the Quran for how to navigate life together.

    I couldn’t imagine any of my younger cousins being married at only 20 years old it’s a huge responsibility and a lot of men by 20 don’t have the wisdom and maturity to handle it. I’m not saying it’s impossible for you and your wife, however you have to Assume your position as the head of the house hold and ask Allah for guidance and help in building a stable family. I don’t think it’s too late for you and your wife to reconnect but it will take some time and effort on both sides.

  • Ali Sultan

    September 5, 2017

    Well Thank you. Reason i married a second was because she begged me and she told me she didnt have a place to live so i decided in a short amount of time.I just divorced my second because she thought i wasnt home and tried to slap my wife.I was so pressured my everything i ended up divorcing her.Her parents dont exept her as their daughter because of the chaos she spread around in her life.I didnt want another wife i never desired one its just i didnt know what to do.Recently i just found out my second had an affair with my youngest brother and was carrying his.My first wifes parents are in the US.

  • Imam Musa Mohammed Phoenix Az

    September 4, 2017

    Yes my sister i understand i agree

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2017

    @Ali,

    Serena may be right. It may be best that your first wife tells her father what is going on so that she could go home FOR A WHILE and get away from all the chaos in that house. She’s walking about zombie like and is clearly depressed. You don’t want her to have a nervous breakdown. Some how or another you’ve got to separate the two of them and get her away from your mother, as well, even if it means her going home to her parents in the US until you could straighten things out. It’ll give first wife an opportunity to feel better and heal a bit…

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2017

    Faith,

    What you said is so very important. You stated: “When you realise and accept that Allah is in total control of your affairs, things become easier to deal with and what people think about you doesn’t disturb you too much..”

    It’s so true. Allah makes things easy for us when we believe that only He has power and control. We must remember Allah as He says He remembers those who remember Him. He brings satisfaction to the heart. Alhumdulliah!

  • Serena

    September 4, 2017

    Salam

    Ali Sultan

    I agree with the advice and opinions of the others regarding your situation.

    You say you need help. Allah can help you but you also need to do something and not just wait for things to happen.

    Why did you marry the second with the history she has? You are the man the husband so you decide where to keep your wife. Don’t let her walk all over you or your first wife. Don’t let her get her way especially as it’s harming your first wife (and marriage).

    Your first wife is only 17. She is very young, left her family and country to be with you and within months you bring home another wife so what do you expect?

    You and only you can decide if you want to continue your second marriage. Ask Allah for guidance and don’t give her too many chnaces. She sounds like trouble. Two failed marriages haven’t made her change her ways so what will.

    Still can’t understand why you would marry such a person. Where is second wife’s family? Tell them what she is doing and get them to talk to her.

    Do you live in your parents home? It might be better just to get a separate place for the first that is only for her and yoh to stay.

    Your poor first wife is being taunted by her mother in law and tortured by a second wife and is grieving the loss of her sister. Where are you in all this? Don’t you defend your first wife?

    If you don’t sort this mess out your first may just tell her father all that is going on. Yes you may loose her but you got yourself to blame.

    Sorry to say but at the moment you don’t sound fit for one wife let alone two.

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2017

    Oh, okay, thank you! Serena πŸ™‚

  • Faith

    September 4, 2017

    May Allah be with you too Ana, u don’t know how much your blog has been so much of help to me. I found this place when I was looking for how to cope with polygamy, Allah did direct me well. I have learnt so much here and got a positive perspective of polygamy .
    It was really tough this eid, we all went to the in-laws for eid. . I was breaking into bits in my heart but Allah placed a radiant smile on my face for every one. At a point, my first child was crying cos of their attitude. She calmed down only after I assured her that I was OK. They thought I wouldn’t accept my cowife, they were quite shocked when they saw us relating well and when one of my daughters passed the night in my cowife’s room.
    When you realise and accept that Allah is in total control of your affairs, things become easier to deal with and what people think about you doesn’t disturb you too much..

  • Serena

    September 4, 2017

    Salam

    Ana

    I think he means the first wife’s father will get the first wife a ticket back to America.

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2017

    Oh, Ali Sultan, most importantly, make sure that any additional wife you take on in the future has good moral character and wants to live Quran/Islam. As Ummof4 stated, learn our religion.

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2017

    Ali Sultan,

    You’re very young. There are many women looking for wives. You could divorce the wife whom you married second and still have plenty of time to have more wives. Insha Allah, the next time investigate and make sure to the best of your ability that she is someone who will respect your parents and your first wife. Take your time and do it once you know that you can house your wives in separate dwellings.

    Be upfront with the wife whom you married first by letting her know that you have a desire to have more than one wife and it may happen again, if it pleases Allah. This way she’ll be on notice.

    If you know that your father-in-law would send the second wife a ticket back then why not do it? Whose to say that she’ll use the ticket.

    And how could the father of the first wife marry the second wife off to another when he doesn’t even know about the second???

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2017

    Ali Sultan,

    humm, I didn’t quite understand your first post completely till I read it to my wali to see what he thought about it. He said it sounded that you were married to both wives only a short time, while I immediately assumed you had been married to the first for a significant amount of time. I thought you gave your first wife the necklace when you brought the second wife home. My wali said it sounded to be an Eid gift. I’m glad you wrote the last post that clarifies things for me. I have a tendency to get things twisted sometimes LOL

    It kind of changes my thoughts about things now knowing that your two wives were married to you basically about the same amount of time. A couple months difference doesn’t matter much. I don’t understand how your mother could blame your cousin/first wife for you taking on another in such a short span of time. What does your mother allege that your first wife did to push you onto another within two months?

    I don’t quite get what made you marry another so quickly, especially one who is divorced twice because of her “behavior” and “affairs”.

    You have every right to divorce the second wife for having aborted your child without your knowledge. First of all, Allah tells us not to kill our children. Abortions aren’t permissible in Islam. Secondly, she disrespects your parents. She physically abused your first wife and has no regard for her. Get rid of her. Throw her out your house. Get her a plane ticket back to where she came from. I know it’s not as simple as I said, but you should make your intent to find a way to get it done. I don’t know the legal recourse in Pakistan. I’m sure there is a way to remove an unwanted person from your home. That second wife of yours seems like a serious piece of work.

    What was your “reason” for marrying a second right after you married the first one? I’m curious.

  • Ali Sultan

    September 4, 2017

    I tried moving my second wife to another home but she wouldnt listen.Altough my first wife is my cousin she was always nice to my mother through her constant yelling, while on the other hand my second shouts right at my both parents.I remember how much my mother would yell at her but she never said anything back at her.My first wife was married to me in April of 2017 while my second in June 2017.Me and my first wife dont have kids because shes only 17 and my father told her to give her space since her little sister recently died.My second wife had an abortion back in august without telling me and im just stressed out.the reason i though my wife would scream was because she was born and raised in america so i thought it was not normal there as we are in Pakistan. And my second wife is 28 while im 20.My second wife was married 2 times before but got divorced because of her behavior and affairs.I havent told my first wifes father abt the second wife because i know he will send her a ticket back and marry her off to some other.Its okay i forgive you guys, i just need help.

  • ummof4

    September 4, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Brother Ali Sultan, I agree with the other comments.

    First, you need to ask Allah for guidance on this matter. We feel that you made a bad decision, but it was the Qadr of Allah. Maybe this is a way for you and all of your family to learn about Islam. Maybe you will all study the Qur’aan and the life of Prophet Muhammad and find a solution

    Second, you need to find another place for your new wife to live outside of where you and your first wife live. If you do not, you are asking for trouble and heartache. We do not know that the Prophet Muhammad or his companions had multiple wives in one house. Women need their own space.

    Third, there is probably nothing you can do to make your first wife feel better about the situation. She needs to rely on Allah to give her strength and strong faith. Although you do not need to tell a wife that you are getting married in advance, it shows that you care about her and respect her if you do.

    Fourth, if you come from a culture where the mother-in-law rules the house, then your mother will probably continue to harass your wife and blame her for you marrying another just to make her feel bad. If that is not your culture, you should talk to your mother and ask her to stop.

    I will make du’ah for you and your family.

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2017

    Faith, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Gee Wiz, Sis Faith. I didn’t know you was going through something like that. It’s got to be very tough. Allah has been so good to you in allowing you to persevere, to be constant, and to be patient. I pray Allah is well pleased with you. Keep up the good work and don’t despair. It could very well all be a trial/test for you with load of rewards in store for you, most importantly Jannah/Paradise.

    I’m impressed. Thank you for sharing, as there are many out there on this planet who are in the same or similar shoes as you, who your story could inspire and make a difference in their lives for the better. {{{hugs}}}

  • Faith

    September 4, 2017

    Salam alaikum,
    I am not really amazed about how Ali sultan brought in his second wife. In Africa, it’s a very common practice. Women have little or no rights,. Divorced women are stigmatized so women will always want to stay married, and men take advantage of this and trample on their rights. I have seen a lot of cases like this infact, some bring in the third and fourth in the same manner.
    In laws are not any better, anyway not all. They use use threats of a man taking a second wife to try and force the wife into submission. My mother in law threatened me for years that my husband would take another wife just because i didn’t always dance to her tune..
    Some inlaws spoil relationship between wives by rubbing the new wife and in the old wife’s face as a payback for old scores. This is exactly what happened to me this eid, but I didn’t let them get to me cos I know Allah will reward me for my patience. May Allah increase us in patience and comfort us

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2017

    Here’s a link to one of the articles that I read years ago. It sites a situation similar to Ali Sultans’.

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2017

    Brother Ali Sultan,

    The wife whom you married first needs all the help that she can get right now to help her get back to feeling good about herself again. Sometimes it could take a wife years to do that after her husband has become polygamous. She’s been through an awful lot. As soon as possible, you need to separate the women as has been suggested to you. Furthermore, you need to let your wife know that it is not her fault that you married another, unlike what your mother said to her. Your wife is not to blame. For whatever reason, Allah placed it in your heart to desire another wife and Allah brought it to fruition. You don’t need a reason to have married your other wife. Don’t feel or think that you need to come up with a reason or an excuse. The reason is that Allah willed it to be. You need to let your wife know that and your mother, as well. There will be others without knowledge of Allah who will blame your wife.

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2017

    Brother Ali Sultan,

    Insha Allah, you are still reading here and have read Imam Musa Mohammed Phoenix Az’s post to you. It should help you.

    On behalf of all the other sisters here who wrote to you and on MY OWN BEHALF (I’m sorry), I’d like to apologize for our reaction and harsh words to you. Although it was a mind blower to hear you explain what happened, you were here seeking help and we jumped on you like a pack of sick dogs. May Allah forgive us.

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2017

    Imam Musa Mohammed Phoenix Az, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Brother, thank you much for reaching out to brother Ali and advising him. You gave him good, sound advice and Insha Allah, Ali will take heed.

    You are absolutely right in saying that we were not bashing Ali for having become polygamous. We understand and acknowledge that Allah has allowed polygamy for men. The problem was with Ali’s insensitivity, lack of compassion and lack of consideration and such towards the wife whom he married first. It pained me to read what he had done in bringing his other wife into the home of his first wife and how his first wife has been reacting.

    Brother Musa, I won’t be able to give brother ali your email address, as the policy of the blog doesn’t allow for the exchange of email addresses. It’s so that we all will speak here on the blog to help not only those who write but the silent readers out there in cyberspace as well. Furthermore, it’s too much work for me to get into passing email addresses back and forth between persons. I hope you understand my position on it.

    Brother, I was glad you were still reading and have helped. Thank you much, brother. Alhumdulliah. May Allah bless you for being here at a time your words were direly needed.

  • Imam Musa Mohammed Phoenix Az

    September 4, 2017

    @ sister Ana as salaamulaikium @ ali salaam , brother im glad u got a second wife but i dont think u understand that u have to be very smooth about this approach. I did this too but i didnt bring her home sje stay in another state. I have to admit that was very disrespectful to my sister thats her turf her house it made her feel threatened of all she worked for. You should have gave it time …to break the news and kept your new wife in different house or apartment. Phrophet saw would not approve how u did this. You are not being bashed f or marrying. But bringing that sistet to upset your wife making her cry aww man i feel bad. Women are very territorial. Prophet knew this and taught this . You have to tell your other wife baby i was wrong i will go look for a new place for u for u guys privacy. She will understand unless her plan is to make u divorce your wife. And dont think your first cant diborce you on those grounds. Brother my beloved brother there is no forcing in Islam. Even in your home. That. Was the wrong move and bad timing on the real your 2 wife is looking at you too to say WOW he really did it. Believe me its not over for you. You gotta fix this asap or a fight and divorce is going to happen. You need to sjow first you still love her and respect her by removing t he other sister into different home and talk to her gently cause she feels betrayed. Call me brother thru sister ana s h e will give u my email but u in deep u kno what.. But we dont do that like that and say we khalifa ahki..timing and following sunnah is the way.

  • Rosa

    September 4, 2017

    Ali sultan

    In what worldddddd. I’m in shock. Speechless

  • Tasliyman

    September 4, 2017

    I sure hope Ali Sultan is only someone making this up……. It’s just way too ridiculous to think someone would be so insensitive….

  • Marah S

    September 4, 2017

    Sultan,

    What made you think this was a good idea? I want to say you were being a coward but at the same time you’ve got some extreme nerve, putting your wife through such torture.

  • Marah S

    September 4, 2017

    I don’t even know what to say, how can someone be so clueless? And then the new wife’s behavior, and the mother in law, all in one house. It’s too much.

  • Flower

    September 4, 2017

    Ana

    Yeah, there isn’t anything in the post that suggest otherwise. If it were an A-hole, id expect them to say, for instance ‘why isn’t she over it, it’s her fault, it’s my right etc etc.

    It’s the saddest polygamy situation of heard of, and that’s saying something. According to Ali, she’s been living this way for months, and the newcomer must be feeling very confident and special to push his wife and wear her necklace. I suppose intruding on another women with the consent of the husband would do that to you. They’re a long way from resolution….

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2017

    At first I thought Ali Sultan was just a made up person who was just trying to jerk us around with a made up story. However, I read it a few times and the story sounds too authentic and the writer seems sincere for it not to be true. I just can’t fathom how someone could do such a thing. I’m baffled by it. I’d feel better had it been only a joke. A real person is living it, which saddens me…

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2017

    Flower,

    I’m all messed up about it. Now, I don’t know how I’m going to get to sleep after having read that. It’s someone’s WORSE nightmare. I can’t believe he just thought his wife would carry on as usual, go to Eid prayer and be happy to have a necklace. He should be glad she didn’t throw it at him and slap him. And then girlfriend (excuse me. His other wife) had the gall to wear the necklace. Who does that? What kind of women does he have and from where did he get her?

    I, too, pray that Allah give his wife the strength and patience to get through this. He could take his other wife out the house, but the damage has been done. No one could recover from that easily. I feel for his first wife. She must be devastated. It’s horrifying. SIGH…

  • Flower

    September 4, 2017

    Ana

    I was left speechless after reading Ali comment. I had to have my morning coffee before I could reply. May Allah give his wife strength and patience cuz she’s gonna need it. You’re right, this is something out of a (horror) movie. I’m still shaking my head.

  • Flower

    September 4, 2017

    Ali sultan

    Polgamy is halal, informing your wife before the marriage is preferred and wise, bringing home a woman and moving her in is heartless and cruel. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

  • Flower

    September 4, 2017

    Ali sultan

    I second Ana, what were you thinking!!!
    Not just that you brought home some woman but that you expected a different result from what you got. You said you thought she would scream and cry!!!!! And you still went ahead a broke the news to her in that fashion. She’s in shock, Ali. I’m having trouble processing that so I can’t imagine how your wife is feeling.

    Usually a woman has a chance to converse with her husband about polygamy in private, without having the newcomer standing by watching it all go down. On top of shock I assume you’ve also humiliated her. How could you do such a thing? What possessed the new wife to go along with plan, do any of you have an ounce of compassion and empathy.

    She is dealing with an awful lot right now, and the best thing you can do is get the woman out of the house and don’t bring her back. It’s no where near a solution but at the very least you could relive some of the torture being inflicted on the 1st wife. I don’t want to hear you can’t take her some place else, work it out Ali, and make it fast…… like TODAY.

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2017

    What were you thinking?

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2017

    It seems like something I’d see in a movie. I don’t know if I can even go to sleep after reading something like that smh

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2017

    ali sultan,

    Are you for real? Did you really bring home a woman out of the blue and tell your wife that the woman is now your wife too? I read some news articles about stuff like that happening, but never in my wildest dreams did I think that someone would actually come to this blog and say he did such a thing as it.

    Do you really expect your wife to be okay with it just because you gave her a necklace? Is that all you think she is worth? You should be glad she hasn’t left you or tried to kill you. Of course she wasn’t dressed up and ready to go to Eid prayer. She’s probably in a state of shock and if not depressed now, will soon be.

    I’m flabbergasted. It’s not like bringing home a dog or a cat for your wife. You brought another woman home and said you’ve married her. Who does that. I’m sorry. I’m not going to bite my tongue about it.

    No woman accepts polygamy that easily. Furthermore, you should not have your wives living together. You need to take her back to where ever you got her from and take the time to talk with your wife about the situation. I can’t believe the woman had the audacity to come into another woman’s home that way and make herself at home.

    Maybe someone else here sees it differently.

    @Imam Musa Mohammed Phoenix AZ,

    Insha Allah you’re still reading and will imput.

    @ali sultan,

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back. I’m getting ready to go to sleep. It’s 3:25 a.m. and I have to get up at 5:10 for Fajah prayer.

  • Ali Sultan

    September 4, 2017

    Also this Eid when i came to her she wasnt dressed up the part that icks me is because everyone knows my wife loves eid and dressing up.Sadly, this eid she had her door closed when i went to check on her she didnt care she just stood there emotionless.Looking at my wife i feel bad know, of marrying another. That day When i walked in the door she was really happy but when i told her what i did she just stood there i though maybe she might scream and cry as i didnt know what to expect but she didnt she just ran upstairs to the bathroom when she came out her eyes were really red i tried talking to her but my mother kept yelling at her telling her it was her fault i married again.So on eid day she came out after maghrib prayer and was going to the kitchen and i seen that my second wife pushed her on purpose knowning she will get hurt. Im confused on what to do Ana please help and others too it would be great.We dont have kids because its only been a few months

  • ali sultan

    September 4, 2017

    Hi,
    So i recently got remarried and i brought the wife home and told my first wife and ever since then my first wife doesnt talk to me.Yesterday I bought her a gold necklace and she left it on a night stand, she left it there all day without opening it, heck she didnt touch it.then when i came from the bathroom it was gone ans i seen my second wife wearing it as she gave it to her,.Anything I do for her she doesnt have no emotion and doesnt react. I dont know whAt to do.

  • Imam Musa Mohammed Phoenix Az

    September 3, 2017

    Lol chasing kids

  • ummof4

    September 3, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    The lack of posts makes me think that everyone is having a blessed and enjoyable Eed. Alhamdulillah, a group of the younguns (40 and under) in our community got together and put on a giant picnic/carnival/reunion on the first day of Eed. I was on jeddah(grandmother) duty and I thanked Allah that young people have the babies because people my age don’t need to be bothered chasing around fast,short people LOL.
    Many people are beginning school this week. May Allah grant all the teachers and students a successful school year.

  • Karima

    September 2, 2017

    Salam Everyone

    Rosa Thank You for Your kind wishes i Wish Nothing but the best for Your son too in This chapter of his life:)

    My classes are starting today . I have worked hard over Summer learning a lot of new material. This will be my second year of doing This n a critical one as it will show eventually if there is also money in This thing, and not just Sthng i enjoy doing and makes me happy.i know these things are priceless but Money matters too considering all the hours of hard work i invested in it n will keep doing of course:)

    Inshallah it will work out for the best!!!

  • Rosa

    September 1, 2017

    Eid Mubarak all

    Karima how cool. My youngest son just started school recently. He’s taken to it very well alhamdullilaah. May Allah make this school year for them a success and may they do exceedingly well in all their classes and grasp the knowledge like a sponge. Ameen

  • Alison

    September 1, 2017

    Eid Mubarak to all….hope all’s well Anna..don’t worry am OK and didn’t desert the blog ..much love

  • anabellah

    September 1, 2017

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Eid Mubarak to you too, Serena; brother Imam Musa Mohammed and Karimahttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

    Love to all my dear brothers and sisters-in-faith on this wonderful day. Enjoy the festivities and remember Allah swt much. He has surely been good to us.

  • anabellah

    September 1, 2017

    Yay, Woo hoo, Happy Eid! What a joyous beautiful day!

    Eid Ul Adha 2017

  • anabellah

    September 1, 2017

    Happy Eid Ul Adha 2017

  • anabellah

    September 1, 2017

    Happy Eid Ul Adha, my dear brothers and sisters-in-faith!

    Happy Eid Ul Adha

  • Karima

    September 1, 2017

    Salam

    Eid Mubarak Sisters!!!

    ( my son is starting school day …)

  • Imam Musa Mohammed Phoenix Az

    September 1, 2017

    As salaamulaikium brothers and sisters eid mubarak i pray we all are well and Allah be pleased with us. May He shower light upon Prophet Muhammad saw. Polygamy,I love it for the sake of family and the Prophet lived it and showed it worked. I love it because it is for special men and women in our ummah. We must appreciate it because the wisdom is greater than opions from negative outsiders who dont have it in their hearts. May Allah bless the polygamous families in our country USA to stand strong and prove that it is mandatory to try to accept and understand it is life in a positive fashion. Imam Musa Mohammed

  • anabellah

    September 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace polygamy 411 September 2017 discussions

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for September 2017. We thank you all for being here. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussions. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the August 2017 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is: August 2017 Discussions

    polygamy 411 September 2017 Discussions