She is Unhappy Living in Polygamy

she is unhappy living in polygamyShe is unhappy living in polygamy. We hear it often about wives in polygamous marriages. So, why do so many of the wives feel that way? Furthermore, what could they do to get to a better place? What should they do to feel good in the marriage?

The wife says that she’s been doing all that a good Muslim woman should. For instance, she offers the five daily salat prayers, read the Quran, and tries to obey her husband. So, why is she still in pain. Why is she sad and depressed in the marriage? She’s confused and wonders why her marriage doesn’t improve.

It’s common to hear a wife say that it doesn’t help that her husband pays more attention to his other wife than to her. He shows the other one more love and affection. Maybe he telephones and texts the other more. Maybe he spends more time with the other, as well. It’s disturbing to her, and it eats away at her. She finds that she doesn’t know what to do or where to turn.

She is unhappy living in polygamy because of how she approaches the problem

A wife has the wrong approach, if she thinks all she needs is do is pray, read the Quran and obey her husband. She may think that if she does those things then her husband will see her as a righteous wife whom he will favor more than the other. She may think he will love her and incline towards her more. The wife may want the other wife to see her as the better one and the more loved one, as well.

It’s the wrong approach, as she’s doing it all to drawer nearer to her husband. She’s doing it to have a better marriage and to feel better, as well. No wonder there is no improvement in her life. Allah didn’t tell us to turn to Him for a quick fix or as an antidote. He didn’t say, do a few things, and all is good.

A wife needs to know all of what Allah says in the Holy Quran. She needs to believe it and live it. If she complains that her husband doesn’t seem to love her enough, or he doesn’t telephone or text her when she’d like him then she doesn’t know what Allah says. A wife doesn’t understand Islam if she complains that her husband comes home too late at night, for instance.

She is unhappy living in polygamy because she fails to serve and worship Allah the way that He instructs us to

Worshiping Allah has to become a part of her heart. Allah tells us to always remember Him. It doesn’t mean every now and again or when we need something. A wife shouldn’t remember Allah only when she feels down and depressed or when her husband isn’t giving her what she wants.

She is unhappy living in polygamy because she fails to know, understand and believe that only Allah can make her happy. He says He causes laughter and tears. He controls the heart. What does that mean? For example, it means that a wife can’t make her husband love her. The husband can’t make himself love her. He can’t call his wife, text her or come home to her unless Allah makes it happen. Allah controls it all. Nothing can happen unless Allah decrees it.

Only Allah knows why things happen as they do. Only He knows why a husband loves one wife more than the other. It’s not the husband’s choice. If a wife is not happy, it is because Allah hasn’t made it so. To know and understand that is part of belief. A wife should strive for Paradise, not for her husband’s love.

Getting closer to Allah requires a lifetime commitment. It amounts to dedicating oneself to Him, not to one’s husband. Islam is about surrendering to Allah and not give Him part-time worship. The wife needs to strive to purify her soul. She does it by accepting what is in the entire Quran. She in unhappy living in polygamy, if she doesn’t do what Allah says.

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she is unhappy living in polygamy

Related Articles:
Unhappy Wives Who Live In Polygamous Marriages

Books about Polygamy in Islam

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25 Comments

  • Layla

    March 19, 2017

    So true Anabellah.

    It very much so is. I find concentrating on your sepf and seeing what is the best you can give in any relationship or situation is so much more rewarding

  • anabellah

    March 18, 2017

    A thing to be mindful of is that men are different than women in many ways. We may expect them to communicate with us the way that we women communicate with others. They don’t…Expectations is the cause of most of our disappointmentshttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif

  • anabellah

    March 18, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All Out There in Cyberspace,

    FYI: I just found out that there is a technical problem with the blog, which is being worked on and may take a few day. I just want to alert you to that fact.

    Additionally, I wrote a new article as a reminder for us all. It is Desires Impact Wives

    I pray you all are well and are having a fabulous weekend. Love to you all and hugs {{{hugs}}} 🙂

  • Layla

    March 18, 2017

    Salam sisters.

    Rosa sorry to have you confused. I meant before he said we are one step away from divorce there was never a sign or reason for him to say such a thing. For example he never stayed away on my nights. Nor did he ever come home extremely late.

    Sister Anabellah. Thank you that is what I am planning. I am confused to what made him make this decision as I have no real answer but I trust that he says he would be back and he shows love towards me. I just wish he would communicate and tell me what is going on in his head.

  • anabellah

    March 17, 2017

    Layla, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    What I got from what you shared is that he’s acting as he is because it’s simply his character, especially in that you communicate with his sister. It very well may be just the way he is. If it is the case, then to me it appears that you’re doing the best that you can. Apparently you don’t want a divorce from him; so it’s probably best to ride the waves and see where you go. Allah has a plan. You just have to do your part and see what Allah has decided for you. I assume you would rather stay in the country in which you now live oppose to going back to the country of your origin where your family is. I get it.

    Thank you much for elaborating. You’re welcome to share more, so we can continue to have dialogue. I see that Rosa has questions for you.

  • Rosa

    March 17, 2017

    Welcome Layla. I’m confused. First you said he stayed away every night for seven months. Then in you’re last post said he never stayed away. Then he told you yall are one step away from divorce yet nothing ever went down (an argument). Yall are just one step away from divorce just out of the blue?

  • Layla

    March 17, 2017

    Salam sister.

    Well we never had any arguements nor has he ever stayed away or always came home late regularly.
    However as I am not from the countey we live in he is my only family and I am not 100% involved with my inlaws. Espwcially since the other wive lives in the same house as his mother and other family members. But i have met them all and have visites. Not as often as i liked though. I always was waiting for an official invite not to male them feel intruded. Anyway he comes home one day and says we are one step away from divorce and he feels we are like oil and water and do not really mix. We had discussions before there I asked him to spend more time with us because I always feel he is more at the other house when with us……but not necessarily only for her. Just becaise thats there lufe happens. So i always feel a little neglected or not part of a big family and feel alone. So to this point now he keeps saying he will come back very soon and he cannot really say what the reason is. His sister reached out to see our children. She keeps saying he is a big child and the more you tell him what he should do the more he pulls away so her advise to just live my life for now and inshallah he will be back. She told me as well he doesnt really do anything in the other gouse either. And his other wife told me once he disnt care about anyone until my children were born and all he could talk about is them. So maybe he doesnt tell me the pressure he might ha e from over there. I am not sure and I certainly do not want to make assumptions. He is coming by, he keeps telling me he loves me dearly and misses me a lot. But he is respectful enough not to be intimate with me. So right now i am very unsure of the futire but i do not want to give up hope

  • anabellah

    March 17, 2017

    Layla, Wa Alaikum As Salaam. Welcome! 🙂

    Alhumdullilah that you found the blog and the article was helpful. If you don’t mind me asking, what reason has your husband given you for staying every night with his other wife for the last seven months and depriving you?
    You mentioned that you are jealous. Is it the reason that he gave for staying away.

    We need to be mindful that all that happens is will by Allah. At the same time He tells us when an oppressive wrong is done to us, we should not be cowed but defend ourselves. He tells us what to do when we are having problems in our marriages that we’re unable to resolve ourselves.

    As your husband, he should be living with you as husband and wife, not just stopping over to visit and have sex as though you were his mistress. He should be staying nights with you the same he does with the other wife. You are within your right to divorce him, if he doesn’t. Have you gotten a third party involved to mediate for you. You and he should get people from both sides to represent the two of you to mediate on each of your behalf. If he doesn’t want to do it, then you should. You should get a male Muslim family member to sit with him and defend your need to be treated respectfully as a wife who lives with her husband accordingly. If your husband doesn’t want to live with you that way, you need to determine what you want to make your intent to do such as not allow him to come to your home at all unless or until he do the right thing or you should consider divorcing him.

    If you’re in a bind and depend on him to support you financially or you have no where to go or something of that nature, then you just have to be patient, persevere and pray until Allah gives you a way out. We should accept Allah’s will. At the same time we need to take action when He tells us to act. He tells us what to do. It’s on us to learn what that is and do it.

    I’ve written this quickly, as I have to run out and take care of some things. Please excuse any error that I made while rushing. I’d like to hear more from you, Layla.

  • Layla

    March 17, 2017

    Salam sisters.
    I was so much in need of reading this. I am a second wife and only married for coming to 3 years alhamdullah. However Allah has inflicted a hardship upon my marriage there as my husband decided to stay every night with wife no 1 since 7 months now. It hurts but I believe it is Allahs plan as I have ask over and over to take away the jealousy from my heart so it will take time but slowly I realise as writen in the blog I must steive to love Allah more than eunning after the love of my husband. So in shaa Allah evwrything will be ok and Allah allows my husband to return at night and not just visiting.

  • anabellah

    March 15, 2017

    arrows in my heart, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    First I’d like to thank Maryam for welcoming you. I’d like to welcome you, as well 🙂

    Let me begin by saying, I totally get how you’re feeling. You probably think that of all times, you need your husband now that you’re ill more than ever. How could he go off and marry another, knowing that you have a serious illness that isn’t expected to get better? You may think that this is the time in your lives when you should be enjoying it the most, now that you’re more settled in life. I only surmise that it may be some of the things that you are thinking.

    I’m going to be frank with you and tell you what I think. When I read your post, my initial thought was that your husband was thoughtless and lacks compassion to have embarked on a new marriage, while you’re going through so much. However, I immediately pulled myself together and stopped dealing with my emotions. I said to myself that it goes way deeper than that. Her life may be over sooner than later, so why does she care about her husband at a time when she should be concerned about whether she’ll enter Paradise or the Hell Fire when she leaves this earth?

    I began to think that it could be that Allah wants you to turn to him, not to get rid of the pain and help you to accept that your husband married another. It could be so that you could turn to Him in your remaining days on this planet and implore His forgiveness and do all that you can to receive His Mercy, Forgiveness, Grace etc. My thoughts are how you could even think of your husband at such a time as this. If your husband and his other wife are on your mind at a crucial time such as this, then you’ve got a lot of work to do in very little time. None of us knows when Allah will seize our souls. Your husband can do nothing for you. Your husband and his marriage should be the last things on your mind. You need a reality check and maybe Allah gave it to you when your husband married another.

    We’re here for you, if you’d like to chat more. I suggest you get yourself in check and start making an effort to get all your ducks in a row. Focus on what really matters. It’s not your husband or his other wife. Your husband and his other wife may be a blessing for you to get back on track and begin to seek the good pleasure of Allah and not focus on your pleasure or lack of.

  • Maryam

    March 15, 2017

    Wa alaikum assalaam dear Arrows in my heart.

    I feel so sorry for you. I sincerely hope you will find peace again in your heart and mind.

  • arrows in my heart

    March 15, 2017

    Salaam Alaikum to my Muslim family and the non-believers Peace.
    My husband recently maaried a second wife and I can’t stand it. At the wonderful age of sixty (60), I have to endure such a emotional hardship. However, I understand the reason (I am terminally ill with
    several illnesses), it still doesn’t stop the pain in my heart. I feel betrayed by my best friend, which is my husband. I feel very insecure and my self-esteem is in the budget basement. The sister he married is a very good sisters, I know he has the right, but the facts are overpowered by my emotions. All I can’t do is pray and dhikar. I truly don’t want to spend my last days on thi earth unhappy. I feel like I’m all alone in a dark hole with no way out.

  • Maryam

    March 15, 2017

    Thank you very much Ana https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    When you think it is time to hear a different record please let me know LOL

  • anabellah

    March 14, 2017

    Maryam,

    I can only imagine what you’re going through. It’s going to take time for it all to sink in and for you to make all the adjustments. You have to unlearn most of what you’ve learned and it’s not easy. Comprehending it all is a task. I know I was given advice time and time again for years and I battled with the person who tried to help me before it sunk in. I had to read on my own and go through a lot of pain and suffering before for me to wrap my head around the Truth. So, believe me; I know what you’re going through and are up against. As you said, you’re making progress. You’ve got to take baby steps. Keep up the good work. We’re here for you, even if you’ve got to repeat yourself time and again. I thank Allah for both my biological family and Islamic family who listened to me like I was a broken record. You could play your record here, if you want LOL 🙂

  • Maryam

    March 14, 2017

    No ofcourse you are right. Not that it easy for those couples, but I know couples who eventually accepted that they will not have children and they will do other things with and in their lives.
    It´s just that stupid feeling sometimes but listening to quran makes me feel at peace again.
    I could never ask this from him, I want him to be happy, who am I to tell him not to try it with another woman, that´s why I agreed to this 2nd marriage.
    I would never forgive myself if anythings happens to him and f.e. he would die without having another chance on children. And also this would always be an issue between us so not a healthy way to continue our marriage.
    It is indeed normal here to marry again if your first wife cannot have children.

    And thank you for your last comment, this helps me, I will try to remember this.
    Really most of the times I´m okay, like I wrote I decided not to blame myself, but sometimes………… https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • anabellah

    March 14, 2017

    Maryam,

    You certainly will learn a lot about yourself from being in a polygamous marriage. It could bring about a lot of good, if you want to make Allah most important in your life.

    Learning to not blame yourself is what you’ll need to do. It’s about knowing and believing that you don’t have power and Allah decides everything. If you truly believe it, you’ll find joy in your life living the life that Allah has decreed for you. To say you failed is to say you’ve got power. For instance, you think you didn’t do what it takes to fulfill your husband’s needs when in fact, Allah hasn’t given you a child. It’s about Allah, not about you and your husband.

    Most of the women in polygamous marriages have children. It didn’t stop their husbands from becoming polygamous and beginning a new with other women and having families with them.

  • anabellah

    March 14, 2017

    Maryam,

    The only couples that I have ever heard of that live together “happily” with no children of their own are the ones who never wanted or cared much about having any. Any couple in which one of them wanted children and had difficulties they sought medical help to get it done or adopted. Having a desire for children is strong for many and the desire intensifies when they find that they can’t bring it to fruition.

    I say this all to let you know that you’re asking a bit much for him to just forget about the children and grow old and happy with you without them. It’s especially asking much when your husband comes from a culture in which priority is given to having children as it’s what marriage is about for them. I know many couple in the States who have no children because they all didn’t want any. They’re usually career oriented people.

  • Maryam

    March 14, 2017

    You know what feeling is sometimes very strong? What makes me unhappy? That I failed.
    That I failed to do the things that he 1000% chooses for me. It’s too much in my head ‘when he really loves me like he says he wouldn’t give me this pain only to have children, especially because it is difficult for me that I cannot have children myself, he would grow happily old with me without children’
    For me this was always normal, couples who don’t have children usually stay together and live happy together without children.
    It’s difficult to get this thought out of my head, despite I keep telling myself I don’t have to blame myself.
    You really get to know yourself in a situation like this.

  • Maryam

    March 13, 2017

    Yes Ana exactly, I count my blessings. You also cannot look inside their lives, not everything is what it looks like.
    Besides that you must be grateful for all, it is also so much better for a person to focus on the good things you have in your life. It changes your look on life, the way you are living. You can be more open to people so you can give, which makes you receive good from people.

    I agree with you, although you may feel that you make choices, it all comes from Allah. I believe this can also be the circumstances He creates which make you choose what you choose.

  • anabellah

    March 12, 2017

    Maryam,

    You have the right attitude about noting blaming yourself. Just remember that Allah chooses our mates for us, and He decides who will have children and how many. He decides whether it will be a boy or girl. Furthermore, He decides who won’t have any. It’s all for His reasons that are unbeknownst to us.

    Try not to focus on what other people have and how happy they appear. We don’t know all the trials and tribulations or punishments that people are having. We only see the superficial or know what people tell us. When you look at others and feel sad for yourself, know that it is most likely Satan whispering to you. He wants you to be upset and ungrateful. Don’t listen to him. Think of all the blessings that Allah has showered on you.

    About whether Allah gives people choices, you’ll have to determine what you believe with regard to it. Some people believe they have choices, others don’t.

  • Maryam

    March 12, 2017

    But I must keep telling myself this everytime that I matter too and that I’m okay lol
    InshaAllah everything will be okay

  • Maryam

    March 12, 2017

    My husband finally announced today that he will get married at the end of this month.

    Relieved because it is done then, see how things work out after this.
    But sad because I come from my family and friends who have all happy marriages and children.
    And back home i see moslim people have happy marriages and children.

    I kept wondering what I did wrong to go through this pain but I decided today that I will not blame myself any more. I may not do everything right, i’m 9 years moslima now and still learning and doing my best, and I will not bring myself down by this marriage.
    Allah knows what is in my heart and that is love for him.
    If I cannot do this marriage anymore then this is also from Allah and a sign for me to move on and to accept that my husband is not the one for me, how difficult this may be to accept.
    Staying and being unhappy is not a solution. Doesn’t Allah gives everybody choices? With him you you will make the right choice.

  • anabellah

    March 12, 2017

    I certainly wouldn’t tell her to just up and leave the marriage, as I know that it’s easier said than done. The easy part is to tell someone else that she or he should leave the marriage when one isn’t a part of it and doesn’t have the love in ones heart the way that the other person going through it does or isn’t feeling the fear of leaving or any of the other emotions involved.

    A person can’t leave a marriage until Allah wills it. A person can make his or her intent to do certain things, but the actual doing is a different story. The masses out there believe that anyone can do anything. Not all people think that way. I certainly don’t.

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2017

    Zahra, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    No one here has advised Ayesha to stay married to that man. I don’t know why she stays in the marriage other than the fact that Allah has decided for her to be in it right now for His reasons unbeknownst to us. I know this because she is still there and I know that Allah decides all things. Now whether it’s a blessing for her or a curse, only Allah knows. Again, no one here even suggested that she stay in that marriage.

    She simply came here and shared her story with us about what she’s been through. You’d have to ask her why she THINKS she had to stay married to him and endure the abuse from him and his other wife.

    What I gathered from her posts is that she feels and thinks that she shouldn’t walk out on a man who is “oppressed” and can’t defend himself when she loves him. Bottom line is that she apparently loves him, which is the worldly reason that she may have for enduring the suffering and torment that she has for all these years.

  • Zahra

    March 11, 2017

    Asalmualaikum
    If the wife is so unhappy and the husband is unfair may be she should leave the marriage. Allah hasn’t instructed people to tolerate injustice. In fact it is wrong to tolerate it. Just a thought.

    Zahra