Should I Love My Polygamous Husband Less

Should I love my polygamous husband lessIt is common for a wife to ask: Should I love my polygamous husband less? It’s a good question. However, to answer it, one must know what it means to love someone not as much. Can it be done?

First, for the love to subside, one ought to know that a person can’t simply say: Self, stop loving your husband so much. You love him too much.

One can’t will oneself to stop loving someone, nor does it make sense to try. It’s because Allah controls the heart. He puts the love in it, and only He can remove it or change it.

If a woman were to ask me if she should love her husband less, I’d ask, less than what? Less than she loves him already? She should love her husband less, if she loves him more than she loves Allah.

No one should love anyone or anything more than she loves Allah. If she loves her husband more than she loves Allah, then it’s a problem. Certainly, she needs to love her husband less because Allah should come first.

If she asks, should I love my polygamous husband less, she needs to see if she loves him more than she loves Allah

How should she figure it? Well, she should ask herself what she thinks of the most. Is it her husband or Allah? Who does she remember the most? If it’s her husband, then she has a problem. If her husband or her co-wife or the children or anything else is the first thing that comes to her mind, it is not a good thing.

A wife should try to please Allah. It’s not about the husband. She can test herself by checking her thoughts. She should think about Allah. A wife could receive rewards from Allah for putting Him first.

For one to love someone or something more than Allah is to make the person or thing a god. Allah says put nothing and no one before Him. There is only One God and it’s Allah. She should make Him the focal point.

We’ve dealt with the question, should I love my polygamous husband less, now, how does she do it?

She needs to know that to love her husband less doesn’t mean that she must mistreat him or abuse him in any way. She should still be kind, respectful and loving to him while still loving Allah more.

Once she finds that she loves Allah more, she may find that her marriage gets better. She may have a deeper, more profound and intense love for her husband than she’s ever had before. Her husband shows her more love. When we turn to Allah and away from His creation, Allah turns His creation towards us.

A wife needs to turn to Allah, and ask Him to let her love Him more than anything in the world. She needs to stay focused on Allah and always check her thoughts.

Allah remembers those who remember Him. Remembrance of Allah is the greatest thing in life without doubt.

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26 Comments

  • ummof4

    February 8, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Just a comment that really has to do with any type of marriage, monogamy or polygyny. Men say that they want to marry a young wife (or virgin) so they can have more children It’s always a bit amusing to me that most men who say this, whether monogamous or polygynous, are usually the fathers who spend very little time with the children. They may be good financial providers, but it is their wives, the mothers of the children, who do most of the rearing of the children. Just a thought, not anything too deep.

    Allah says in Surah Ash-Shura Ayats 49-50, ” To Allah belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills, and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills. Or He bestows both males and females, and He renders barren whom He wills. Verily, He is the All-Knower and is able to do all things.”

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2017

    Dear Trevia,

    As much as I would love to talk with everyone one on one in private about their situations, I just can’t. It would be too time consuming with running the blog and dealing with my personal life, as well.

    Additionally, it’s better for all to talk on this forum as it helps many. We blog anonymously here, except for me lol. Just share as much as you’re comfortable with.

  • Trevia

    February 8, 2017

    Dear Arabella,
    Assalam and thank you for your reply. My story is too much to detail on a public post. Is there a way that I can speak with you in detail in a private setting? I really need a woman’s perspective. I thank you so much.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2017

    Trevia, Wa Alaikum As Salaam. Welcome to the 411,

    Insha Allah, we’ll try to help you out as best that we can. We just need to know more specifically what you’d like to talk about with regard to polygamy, as it’s a broad subject.

    You said you grew up in a Christian home and the concept of plural marriage is hard for you. I think it’s hard for the average woman. Even most women who are Muslim, raised in Muslim households, reject polygamy and find it difficult to cope with, if they find themselves in it. Most Muslim women simply have a distaste for the subject of polygamy even if they aren’t married. It’s a different way of life for most. So, welcome to the club.

    It’s important that you know that just because your husband says he wants a wife so that he could have more children, it isn’t necessarily so. We know that many men desire women. Many have more than one whether they do it sneakingly on the side as in adultery, with mistresses or fornicating or in polygamous marriages.

    Your husband may simply know that he wants another wife and knows that to say he wants more children would be a way for you not to have much to say to stop him. Many men who desire to become polygamous find EXCUSES for why they want more wives. Most don’t come out and say they want more wives because they have a desire for more because they know it won’t be received easily. So, they come up with reasons that sound good to justify it.

    Whether your husband wants another wife so that he could have more children or not (who knows if the other woman will be able to have any children. She may be barren. Will he marry a 3rd or 4th, as well?), it doesn’t matter. Just know that he wants another wife and don’t dwell on the wanting her so that she can be a baby making machine. Know that whomever he marries, if it happens, he will probably love her for her and not just because she bore some children for him, the same as he loves you for you.

    It’s important that you learn as much about this lifestyle as possible, if you’re going to remain in the marriage. I must go for now. Insha Allah, I’ll chat with you later.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2017

    Trevia,

    Welcome! 🙂 Please see my post to you on the February 2017 discussion post/tread. Thank you!

  • Trevia

    February 7, 2017

    As Salam sisters,
    I am in desperate need of your help. My husband has told me that he wants a second wife, for the purpose of more children. We did not meet or get together until we were both in our 40’s. Allah blessed us with a beautiful girl who is now 7 years old, Mashallah.In the past 7 years we have not had anymore. I am a convert to Islam, raised in a Christian home so the concept of plural marriage is very hard for me. Needless to say, I am devastated and my emotions are all over the place. Any advice will be deeply appreciated. Thank you so much.

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2017

    Tasliyman,

    You made a very good point. Why is it so important for a woman to put a clause in the marital contract that would forbid her husband from taking another wife? Why not marry, and if it happens that the husband wants another wife – divorce him – if Allah wills any of it it (the polygamous marriage or the divorce)? You’re right that she doesn’t know the future. No one does. So, why worry about something that may not happen?

    I see it that the woman who requires such a thing hates what Allah has allowed for man (polygamy) so much that she would got to the extent of forbidding what Allah allows from the onset. She feels so strongly about polygamy from a negative perspective that she doesn’t want it to even be a possibility in her marriage.

    I further see it that the woman who puts a clause such as it in a marital contract has no knowledge of Allah and His Book (The Holy Quran). If the person did, he or she would never resort to such measures out of fear and love of Allah.

    A woman who puts that clause in the marital contract, in essence trying to prevent her husband from becoming polygamous, is trying to contend with Allah. She’s acting contrary to how we as believers should act and think. She put’s her desire before what Allah says and what He permits. She says basically that she can override what Allah has decided for man. She thinks she is above what Allah says. It amounts to her being the same as Iblis (Satan). She’s arrogant and selfish and much more…Ummm, I don’t have to accept polygamy – I’m too good for that type of marriage. I want a husband all to myself. BUT, I’m Muslim and accept Islam. It’s all contradictory.

    Allah says in the Quran that a person cannot flee from death regardless of what he or she does to prevent it. He says if He has decrees a punishment or a reward for a person, no one can interfere with it. It will be carried out. There is so much in the Quran that lets us know that only Allah has power and only He decides all things. Most Muslims don’t believe it. A believer believes what Allah says.

  • Tasliyman

    February 6, 2017

    I was just wondering if there would be a difference if you divorce a husband when he decides to take an additional wife and you didn’t put it as a condition in your marriage contract compared to divorcing your husband when he decides to take an additional wife and you actually put it in your marriage contract.

    The way I see it is we have no idea what the future holds. Why not deal with a situation as and when (or even if) it happens instead of worrying about or trying to control something that might or might even not happen.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2017

    Birdy,

    You sound to have it all planned and figured out. The best to you with your “choices”. Maybe you’ll find the ideal guy and life. What you described is what a lot of women probably dream of. You may be one person out of millions who don’t make “bad” “choices.”https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

  • Birdy

    February 5, 2017

    Just as a man has a choice to engage in polygamy, so do I have one not to, it’s really as simple as that. And I believe that there are men out there who would be perfectly happy to have one wife, after all Allah gave us differences and in the same respect Allah wills one man to like polygamy he can will another not to. I am certain that with 7 billion people in the world I can find at least one man whom who will share my views ^.^

  • Birdy

    February 5, 2017

    Essalamu aleykum to all who replied to my comment

    Thank you all for your advice, I left the man because he did turn out to be whacko as anabellah said. And the Imam did not advise me to put that condition I did my own research and came to my own conclusion. I am not against polygamy and believe that who ever chooses to have that relationship and be happy is fortunate indeed and I am not discrediting it. I’m fortunate to be blessed with choice and I in no way mean to control my husband and I realise the risk of him becoming polygamous. I’m a child of an extremely ugly, hate filled divorce and wouldn’t wish that kind upon anyone, however I am also a free human being who in accordance to Islamic ruling am able to put this condition on.

    I want to be the best muslim I can be and eliminating situations where I am vulnerable to commit sin through adultery or become blind with jealousy and hatred I feel will help me achieve this. In my marriage I will ensure that I am the best wife I can be but will also ensure I have a sufficient education, income and plans in place to provide for myself and my children should I have to if I end up on my own. If Allah willed me not to have a choice or be able to put a condition then I’m sure there would be every obstacle blocking my path.

    Also putting the condition on would mean my husband would agree to it and would have to consider his future change of mind. And about wondering if he is committing adultery then that is his sin and trial to bear, if he commits it then that’s just the way things are no point getting jealous or ugly. It will be between himself and Allah and I cannot pass judgement or make things more difficult.

  • Rosa

    January 31, 2017

    WA alaikum salaam birdy 

    It all boils down to your belief. Do you believe in Allah, the Last day, the Quran and all it entails including polygamy. We must accept all parts of the Quran not just bits and pieces that are to our liking. If you don’t like polygamy or have zero intentions to learn and accept it then you should stay single because it has been proven over and over men are polygamous it’s in their nature. So writing it in a contract is not going to stop Qadr of Allah. Even if a potential husband does not wife another woman do to the contract you best believe there’s a secret one on the side or a side chic or mistress down the line. Work on accepting all of the Quran sis. Only then will your heart find ease and satisfaction. 

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2017

    Polygamy or not, I’d suggest Birdy not marry any man whether she’ll be his wife in monogamy or polygamy to marry a man who says he wants his wife to be like a machine. He sounds like a whacko to me. That’s some crazy stuff.

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2017

    Love, nor children or anything else will prevent a man from becoming polygamous if Allah willed it to happen.

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2017

    Sakina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Nice post you wrote to Birdy. It saddens me that there are so many Imams who lack knowledge of Islam and give advice. An example is the Imam who advised Birdy to put that restrictive clause in the contract in an effort to prevent a man whom she intends to marry from becoming polygamous.

    The Imam and Birdy fail to realize or know that a contract nor anyone or anything can stop Allah’s Will. What Allah Wills will happen. It means that if Allah Wills Birdy”s husband to become polygamous, he will become polygamous. He will do it willingly or unwillingly but he will submit to Allah’s Will. Furthermore, only Allah knows the future. As you stated, Sakina, a man could say he won’t become polygamous in the future, yet he doesn’t know what Allah has decided that will happen, what he will do in the future.

    Birdy is armed with false information. The Imam mislead her.

  • Sakina

    January 31, 2017

    Salam Alaykum dear Birdy,

    Iwould only give u an advice to think about. Maybe at the beginning of a marriage u will think polygamy is no threat for u, because u can divorce. Bu if u think deeper, so u will realise that divorce is something very hurtful, even more when there is love between the spouses. So its possible that u are happy married and over time ur husband developes a big desire for polygamy, the reasons doesnt matter. U cant control him with divorce. Because what i have seen it can be a realy big desire for men. Maybe he stays with u or u get the divorce. So divorce is the threat for u which is more terrible, especially when there are kids involved and the marriage is generally well. U may think he dont want to loose a good marriage and kids, but its how u think. Men dont thinks like women. I hope u find the right man and inshallah u will further read and learn about polygamy and inshallah with time u can open ur heart for polygamy. Bu be not too sure that u are safe from polygamy with that condition in the contract.

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2017

    Birdy, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Thank you much for letting us know that the blog was helpful to you. I’m glad you got the information that you needed to make your intention about the marriage. May Allah grant you peace and ease, as well.

  • Birdy

    January 31, 2017

    Essalamu Aleykum,

    I read this blog extensively and the Polygamy 411 blog in the past two days because the man that I have been in simplest terms in a relationship with (nothing haram) has been talking about getting married with me and I was so excited because we always talked about what we would do and what it would be like. Then he said to me he wanted to be honest and that he’s into polygamy and wants to have his wives working as a machine. I didn’t know how to react at first and didn’t sleep the whole night going between trying to accept it and almost reverting back to self-harm.

    Finally yesterday afternoon I had the courage to call a local Imam and talk to him and his wife and explained how I felt so confused, in excruciating pain and trapped. After talking with them for a while I came to the decision to leave him and that if I get married in future I will put on my contract that I will divorce should my husband want to get another wife. I can tell you I have never felt so free and so in control of my life, my own will and my faith. Knowing as well that by putting that condition on my nikah I can never be hurt by polygamy is such a relief.

    But I do want to say thank you to the creators and comments on this blog for helping me get through the night and realise the pain that was awaiting me should I choose to stay. I vow to live, not just survive. I will break the news to him tomorrow and in shaa Allah I can move on to developing my iman and service to Allah.

    I wish everyone all the best with their relationships and problems and thank you all so much for helping me in my decision making 🙂 May Allah grant you all peace and ease  

  • Mari2

    January 27, 2017

    I think it is not a matter of loving one’s husband less, but a matter of focusing on wants vs needs.  One may want their husband to remain monogamous, one may want more attention from him, one may want more things from him, etc.  But ask yourself what you really need.  I need Allah.  I need food, clothing and shelter for my physical state of being.  Everything beyond that is a want.  

  • ummof4

    January 25, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Lubs, welcome to the blog.  Feel free to comment and share what you are comfortable sharing.  We’re just one big sisterhood here.  Alhamdulillah you understand that we have to love Allah more than any human, including ourselves.

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2017

    Ummu ‘Ain, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Alhumdulliah, that you like the post. Thank you for letting me knowhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

     

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2017

    lubs,

    Welcome to our blog family. It’s nice to have you here with us.

    Thank you much for coming forth and sharing with us. I appreciate it.

    lubs, keep turning to Allah as in remembering Him as much as you possibly can and doing all that He instructs us to do, and you’ll see not only that your marriage improves, but your entire life will, as well.

    I’m not saying that you won’t have any hiccups along the way and hurdles to overcome in the tests that Allah gives us, but you will triumph and prevail with the help and permission of Allah.

    Alhumdulliah for you being here with us.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2017

    Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Thank you much for sharing with us how you tried to love your husband less and the obstacles that you faced. It’s very helpful for us to know that.

    I thought the article/thread was important because often we talk here about whether a wife should love her husband less, but we talk very little talk as to how to go about it. For instance, some people probably think that it means a wife should act aloof or act as though she doesn’t love or care about her husband anymore or that she should stop catering to him etc. It far from what it means.

    They don’t know that to love their husbands less can only be accomplished with the help and permission of Allah. Your post helps us all have a better understanding of it. Thank you! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • lubs

    January 24, 2017

    Dear All,

    I have no kids and now my husband got married again. In my 12 years of life most of the time I loved more to my husband. But now I realized that Allah love is first than any other person. 

    I am tring very hard to get red of Husband Love instead of to love real creature of this world. 

    Lubs

     

  • Tasliyman

    January 24, 2017

    Aslm ladies,

    I actually tried to “love my husband less” by distancing myself from him emotionally. I made a conscious effort to do more things on my own and not to share everything about my day, life and thoughts with him. I was determined to have a separate life without him just as he had a separate life without me. IT DIDN’T WORK. It made my life miserable. I spent so much time thinking about how I am going to love him less and being upset because I “had to” do so many things without him that I had way too little time left to focus on Allah.

    I began experiencing positive changes in my marriage (and every other aspect of my life) when I realised that I should focus on loving Allah more instead of loving my husband less. It really just starts by reminding yourself constantly throughout the day to not focus on everything that you feel is wrong in your life and instead spend it conversing with Allah. Whether you are thanking Allah for the things that you do have or asking for help to deal with difficult situations. It’s just so much better to take your issues to Allah instead of spending hours feeling sorry for yourself and engaging in useless fights about things.

  • Ummu 'Ain

    January 24, 2017

    Beautiful reminder… as always. Thank you Sis Ana https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif