Solution to Marital Problems

solution to marital problemsWhat is a solution to marital problems for wives who are in polygamous marriages and feel their husbands do not love them? Some wives here at polygamy 411 have said that they think their husbands love their other wives more than them. The ones who are loved less are very upset and hurt by it. They just don’t know what to do.

First, it’s important to know that husbands do not have to love their wives equally in polygamous marriages. It is because Allah controls the hearts of men and women. He controls what they feel in their hearts. If a husband loves one of his wives more than he loves the other, it is because Allah has placed that love in him for the other.

Allah, in the Holy Quran, says:

“Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire: But turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air). If ye come to a friendly understanding, and practice self-restraint, Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful. Quran: Surah 4, ayah 129

There are many who think that fair means a husband must share his nights equally between his wives. I’ve already discussed in other posts what justice in polygamous marriages is. Really, it is a matter of what the husband and the wives agree to. What can a wife do if her husband won’t share his nights equally, for whatever reason, and she does not like it? What could a wife do when she is not the favorite wife, and she does not like how her husband treats her?

One solution to marital problems is divorce

If the husband cannot give the wife what she wants, needs or desires, she could seek a divorce from him. If she thinks her husband doesn’t love her and she doesn’t want to live in a loveless marriage, a divorce could be the best solution for her.

A wife needs to know that she cannot make her husband love her. She cannot force him to act the way that she wants him to, nor make him do what she wants him to do.

Some wives have children, which is a reason that they don’t want to divorce. They may not want to divorce due to financial reasons, as well. A wife may fear that she will not find another husband if she gets a divorce. Therefore, she remains in the marriage.

Another solution to marital problems is that they could come to a friendly agreement and stay married

It’s what many couples are not aware of. Let me give an example. A husband intends to spend more time with one wife than with the other. If the other wife doesn’t like it, he will divorce her. To avoid a divorce, she could agree that he spends more time with the wife whom he wants to be with the most. She could even agree that he not live with her at all, but takes care of her monetarily. They could agree to anything that is lawful.

Allah in the Holy Quran says: “If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband’s part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best; even though men’s souls are swayed by greed. But if ye do good and practice self-restraint, Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do.” Quran: Surah 4, ayah 128

If a husband cannot fulfill his wife’s wants or needs, and she does not want to divorce, they may stay married, if they can reach a friendly settlement. It’s a solution to marital problems that many don’t know about. It’s a way to avoid a divorce. So, there you have it.

Some wives get so wrapped up in what they think a husband must do to deal justly with the wives. More so, they think about what “just” is. They are in a bind. It is because their desires have blinded them

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24 Comments

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2017

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You said to Muslimah66, “there will be some changes to your family life.” It’s what all women in polygamous marriages who married first need to realize. Most of the women immediately notice a change and think it shouldn’t happen. They need to understand that when the variables change everything changes. Polygamy takes the marriage to a whole different level. It’s not going to look the same as it did. It won’t feel the same, as it’s not the same. Change is not easy to adjust to sometimes. Most people don’t like change.

    Muslimah66 said that her husband was “playing the daddy role” to his other wife’s children. Well, it’s a good thing. If the other wife has children from another relationship, then her husband is supposed to treat his wife’s children the same as he treats his own. It is what is meant by the ayah that tells a man that if he can’t be just with the orphan then marry only one. If he can’t treat that woman’s children the same as he treats his own, then he shouldn’t have married her. It sounds that he is doing a good job.

    NOW, on the other hand, it doesn’t mean that he should neglect his own children. It’s where Muslimah has to look at the situation objectively. As you, Serena, stated, since he has married again things will be different. Of course, he’s not going to be able to be there with his first wife and their children all the time when they’d like him to be. They will need to make sacrifices, the same as the other wife and children will have to.

  • Serena

    April 13, 2017

    Salam

    I was going to reply to Muslimah66 but I read your replies to her and Ana you kinda said what I wanted to.

    I do want to add something though. Muslimah66 have you seen him play the daddy role with to other new wife kids? Are they his kids or hers from another marriage. Again we don’t know how new the other marriage is but maybe your husband is getting used to his new family and may have neglected your family or maybe it’s just shaitan whispers?

    Muslimah66 what you have to understand is that he has a new family so there will be some changes to your family life but that is no excuse for abandonment and neglect..Please take Ana advice and get someone to mediate. Don’t do nothing take steps now to avoid bigger problems later. If your husband is really neglecting and abandoning you and the children then the last thing you want is for your husband to get away with it and think that you will accept that kind of behaviour from him.

    Be strong sister remember Allah and ask for His help. Hope your situation improves.

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2017

    Flower, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Thanks again, Sishttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif Looks like it’s just you and me against the world these days LOL

    I agree with you that it may help if Muslimah66 shares more, if she can.

  • Flower

    April 13, 2017

    Muslimah66

    Wa alaykumu salaam. I believe we’re all agreed that when a wife is facing an injustice (in monogamy or polygamy) she should get a mediator. Preferably a male muslim whom the husband has respect for and has your best intrests at heart. Its not a quick fix and it may take a few meetings/conversations to get a resolution. That is what is prescribed in Quran for marital issues. I dont know what you could do if you dont have someone to mediate for you, aside from addressing the issue with your husband yourself which I assume you’ve already done. It may be a good idea to let us know more about your situation. What is your schedule? What about his actions do you find unfair? In what areas is he negligent? How new is the second marriage?

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2017

    Muslimah66,

    Lastly, a woman’s faith will determine what she does in a situation such as it, for instance, if she thinks and feel that her husband has abandoned or neglected her. She could put her faith and trust in Allah, knowing that Allah says that He provides and He protects. He takes care of us. She can only do what she can do and she leaves it all to Allah. She believes what He says is true – that He will protect. He provides and He decides.

    Don’t forget that Allah gives us remedies in the Holy Quran as to what to do when one has problems with a spouse. There is mediation that is available in which the couple get Muslim family members from both sides to try to arbitrate or mediate the situation for them. If she has no male family member then she’d need to seed a Muslim male outsider or her wali. It should be someone who cares something about the woman and has her best interest at heart.

    Separation is available, as well, as is divorce. The husband and wife could come to some type of friendly agreement whereby, for instance, he may agree not to divorce her and will continue to take care of her, but will live with the other one, or something…

    There is no one answer to what you’ve depicted. No one could really pass judgement on the brother. It would be within his right to simply divorce the other wife, if she doesn’t like what he’s doing. Divorce is easy in Islam. There are rules for how divorce must be done. There are no set reasons for when spouses can divorce. It could be as simply as, “I don’t want to be married to you any longer”. Islam is not a rigid way of life, although many make it seem that way.

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2017

    Muslimah66,

    Now, lets take it a step further. One must look at the entire picture.

    Everyone acts according to the way Allah has decreed for him or her. For the wives and the husband, what is happening could be a test, a trial or a punishment.

    Allah may be testing the first wife with how she will react and respond to what her husband is doing or maybe He is punishing her. Maybe she had focused all her attention on her husband and her children. Perhaps she made them her world and neglected her duties to Allah (such as salat prayers, reading Quran, fasting, spending in charity etc.) We don’t know why Allah does what He does in that regard. However, we know that Allah is a Just God and if anyone does something that is wrong, the person will account to Allah for it. So, we know that if the husband is, in fact, neglecting the other wife and children or has abandoned them, then he will face the music for it.

    To be continued…

  • anabellah

    April 13, 2017

    Muslimah66, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome to the blog. It’s nice that you are here. 🙂 Alhumdulliah!

    I will give you my thoughts on what you’ve stated. It’s not very easy to answer. Based on what you’ve stated and what I know of Islam, I wouldn’t take a position that the man has done anything wrong. I would need to know what the wife thinks the husband has done that would classify his treatment of her and their children as “abandonment and neglect”. Many and most women probably THINK that they are being abandoned and neglected by their husbands when their husbands marry other women and have children by them.

    When a man marries another woman, most likely he will be happy. He will want to spend a lot of time with her and enjoy her. It’s the same as with anything that is new – a new car, new clothes, new house, new vacation, new restaurant etc. Is there anything wrong with that, per se?

    Think about it, When the husband married the first wife whom he was married to solely, didn’t they enjoy each other and find happiness in each other? Maybe it was “love at first sight”. Then why should it be different when he marries another woman?

    To be continued…

  • Muslimah66

    April 13, 2017

    Assalamu’alaykum sisters, I wanted to ask you all about your view on men who take another wife and abandon the first wife. Become neglectful of her and their children together but the man starts playing daddy role to the children on the new wife. How can this issue be tackled how can the first wife deal with this treatment towards her children and herself and what does Islam say? Please any feed back would be appreciated. Jazak Allaahu Khayran sisters

  • anabellah

    April 12, 2017

    Flower, As Salaam Alaikum,

    Well said and much needed. Thank you much for coming forward and imputing. I appreciate it. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    Amidst all the good things that you said, you touched on a very important point – that polygamy is here to stay. Saima Rizvi could start a “united society” group or whatever, but it won’t stop the decree of Allah. She could try to fight Allah’s decree all she wants to. It won’t make a difference. She’s simply wasting her time and energy, and she’s trying to lead people away from the path of Allah.

  • Flower

    April 12, 2017

    Saima rizvi

    You may not like what im about to say and I dont mean it to offend you but it’s time to grow up. All people, all over the world deal with negative emotions at some point. Those that successfully turn from a child to an adult learn to deal with negative emotions instead of throwing a tantrum and blameing everything and everyone till they get their own way. You have to take responsibility and accountability for YOUR emotions. Polygamy is difficult but so is monogamy, achieving a degree or PhD, and many other things in life, matter of fact life in general is difficult, you was never promised ease, all of the time. I come to realise that polygamy can not only advance a womans taqwa, tawakkle, patience etc, but also turns a perpetual child into a fully grown ADULT. Tantrums and rebellion will not stop polygamy, you are simply wasting precious time fighting against something that women and men alike accept. Polygamy will continue with or without your acceptance.

  • anabellah

    April 12, 2017

    Sister Crystal, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    You said it way better. I like what you said.

    It has been a long while since last hearing from you. I’m happy that you stopped in and you are well.

    It’s been a bit quiet here lately. I think everyone is way busy. Life is hectic https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif but it’s all good in the neighborhood 🙂

  • Crystal

    April 12, 2017

    As Salaam Wa Alaikum sister Ana

    Its been a while ! Alhamdulillah we perservere with patience & prayer Inshalah

    Well said sister Ana !!!

    We dont need no polygamy haters on this blog

    May Allah Taala guide us all to follow His way and the example of the best of all mankind our Beloved Prophet (peace be upon Him)

    lots of luv to all the sisters Inshalah with what ever it is that we going through we continue to make Dua that Allah helps us cope well with our tests Inshalah & guides us only onto the straight path Inshalh

  • anabellah

    April 12, 2017

    Saima Rizvi,

    I suggest you make an effort to read the Holy Quran in an effort to learn it and live it. Right now you clearly have a problem with Allah with whom you are rebelling against by following your own desires.

    You have let us know how you feel. I’m letting you know that this blog is for those who have a positive interest in polygamy. You clearly are here from a position of negatively, which isn’t welcome.

    If you have something to contribute from a positive perspective or are seeking advice , you’re welcome here, if not, then keep it moving. There is no need for you to return.

    I suggest you check yourself before you wreck yourself.

  • Saima Rizvi

    April 12, 2017

    WO men are requested to stand up for the right . i m Muslims womeN and i m totally against polygamy .it is shown, polygamy has negative impact on women and children inequality among co wives, have mental and psychological problems .. women in polygamous often suffer from negative emotions a new study has found. many family member who have been involved in polygamy and they suffered a lots over it she said . lets make one day anti polygamy awarness camp around the and stand up . i m from India i m making one
    united society

  • anabellah

    March 30, 2016

    Unhappy, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Please see that I’ve moved your comment over to the March post/thread. There is a better chance that someone may reply to you over there. You post could easily get lost on this older thread.

    The link to the March discussions is: March 2016 Discussions

  • anabellah

    June 7, 2015

    @Fatima,

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam 🙂 It is so good to have you here. Thank you very much for your kind and warm words. Thank you very much for sharing your lovely words of wisdom with us.

    You are definitely not alone living this beautiful lifestyle of polygamy. I’m here in the US. Living polygamy may be easier in the US, as people basically leave one another alone to do their own thing, as long as it doesn’t violate any laws on the books (statutes).

    I’m happy to hear the blog is helpful to you, and you will continue to read here. Insha Allah, join the discussions or simply share more of your wisdom with us whenever you are so inspired.

  • Fatima

    June 7, 2015

    Salamu Alaykum, I just want to say Thankyou for creating this website blog, it has helped me through this really tough time in my life that I am going through, I hope allah gives us all the strength we need to make the right choices and give us the oppurtunitys to make our lives here and in the hereafter better. I think it’s so important to take every opportunity in a positive way seeing as usually positivity and actions based on that attract good, I know us women can be complicated at times as we are created to be emotional etc but if we use our God given traits to good why wouldn’t God give good back to us in the end we become the winners! I have one judge advice for all women out there based on my own good experience the key to a mans heart is through respect! , what man can resist a women who is extremely respectful and obediant. I heard a true Story of a man who had two wives one was young and beautiful had a big house and a lot of kids but she didn’t respect him hardly cooked for him the other wife was in her old age but she loved him respected him to the fullest and cooked for him they had a small house and two kids, the husband looked forward whenever it was the time for him to go to his older wifes house it was like heaven even though she was old and did have as much they way she treated her husband left a huge mark in his heart that never goes away, polygamy is tuff but it is our test why not choose to be the winner what do we have to lose by being the good one Prove ur better through ur actions and wise words no body can replace you and yu become unstoppable respect ueself and others respect you lol I have all this on my mind helps to let it out thankyoi once again I will Deffinantly keep ready these beautiful blogs I hope allah helps us in our tough times thankyou and and Thankyou everyone it’s so good to see other women going through similar things and that we are not the only ones expecially if ur in a western country and don’t see it much thankyou may Allah bless you all

  • Jasmina

    May 28, 2015

    Thank you Ana, that is very encouraging and good advice just now.

  • anabellah

    May 22, 2015

    @jasmina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You are young and you do deserve to be happy. I think you can be. You have to tell yourself the past is the past. It’s over, gone, done. It is no more, so there is no use dwelling on it and reliving it again and again. Doing so brings no good. I’m sure you reflected on the past enough. What happened then was for that time. Today is a new day. We all need to learn to stay in the moment. When our minds wander to yesterday or tomorrow, Satan has got a hold on us. what’s real is what is happening right now.

    I have a feeling your psychologist was non-Muslim simply because she or he advised you to put a time limit on things. I don’t think we should do that. It not only limits us, but frustrates us when our goal isn’t met. We need to just go with the flow and put our all and all in it, focusing on now. We don’t know what the future holds. Things happen in Allah’s time, not ours. You may need to invest more time in your marriage than a year even if there was no progress that you can measure. Don’t put limitations on yourself with time constraints.

    If you lighten up and just let life naturally progress you will probably see you feel better and your marriage is better. Men don’t like needy women. They like to be needed, but don’t like the type of woman who always need to be told he loves her and how much he loves her and who he loves best, or he doesn’t love me enough, or I don’t feel loved and you hurt me or you do this and that for her, but not for me; you don’t spend enough time with me; you don’t do this and don’t do that and I feel this and I feel that and blah, blah, blah. They run from that type of talk. It pushes a man away. They want to live a relationship, not talk about it. Just live for the moment in your marriage and naturally let the love unfold and feel it. There is no need to talk about it all the time with your husband.

    We’re here for you whenever you want to vent or just want to talk or say, hey. Insha Allah, make sure you get out and get some fresh air daily. Go to the mall, go to the park, begin walking, jogging or running, go to the coffee shop and get some coffee or summer drinks with whip cream or something – anything. Get an ice cream cone, sundae, or shake. Take in the scenery. Enjoy nature around you. There is a lot of beauty out there. You’re going to be okay. You just need a fresh start. 🙂

  • jasmina

    May 22, 2015

    Sallam Ana, thank you for the post I really do appreciate your kind gesture. I did read it after you posted it and I have been pondering over it and my marriage a lot. I have already experienced divorce and I was divorced for 3 years. I had a lot of support during the divorce but shortly after you are on your own and it’s a truly ugly experience. In hindsight I would have done many things very differently to conserve my marriage but I cannot change the past, I can only learn from it.

    Henceforth the only solution for me at the moment is to give it my all to reignite the love between my husband and I once again and to be patient during this process so I need to give it some time and do my best to constrain my bitterness from the past. One thing I learnt from a psychologist was to put deadlines on everything so as to not be stuck in a situation. So for my case I am giving it a year to see a positive change in our situation. There was a time my husband and I were madly in love and above all else best of friends and even though sometimes I wonder if we hate each other now, this fact I believe is what has allowed us to remarry and give our family another chance. In this time I want to not complain to my husband about the past or nag him to love me like before which is very unlady-like. I am hoping the blog will be a support for me and a medium for me to vent my frustrations and anger at times when I am feeling weak, so instead of taking my resentment out on him, I can vent here. I am hoping to start some activities to keep me busy, as I am living in a different state to all my friends and family I have no one here other than my husband and it’s very depressing.

    That is my solution at present. If all fails then I got to move on, I have no choice, I cannot live unhappy for the rest of my life, I deserve to be loved and cherished. I’m only 27.

  • anabellah

    May 21, 2015

    In terms of a polygamous husband having a “favorite wife” or one wife whom he loves more than another, I just read an interesting article. The article was about documents that had belonged to Osama Bin Laden from his final years that Special Forces seized when they captured him. The U.S. Government released some of them.

    Amongst the documents was, “a love letter to one of his wives”. He had three wives at the time of his death who were living with him along with his 17 children. “He made a video letter to one of his wives, in which he says: “Know that you do fill my heart with love, beautiful memories, and your long-suffering of tense situations in order to appease me and be kind to me”. I suppose she was his “favorite wife.”

    For those of you interested in reading the article, the link to the article is: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-32817456

  • anabellah

    May 21, 2015

    This post/thread is more informative than anything else. I didn’t expect there would be much dialog on this thread, as the content is pretty much straight forward. It doesn’t leave much to say.

    No woman should feel she is trapped in a marriage she doesn’t want to be in. Divorce is available to her.

    If a woman thinks her financial situation prevents her from leaving a marriage, the problem is not with polygamy. A woman could be in the same financial predicament even if in a monogamous marriage. Some women say they stay in monogamous marriages because of the kids or due to finances It’s the same story for some women whether in a monogamous marriage or polygamous marriage.

    A woman in a polygamous marriage may say the man has no money because he gives to another wife and family maybe so. Women in monogamous marriages have a song and dance as to why they have no money, as well. The reasons given are the same whether a woman is in a monogamous marriage or a polygamous marriage. The worldly reason could be anything: He gambled it away; he spends it on his mistress; he has a low paying job; he has no job; he just won’t give me any money. The reason doesn’t matter.

    The point is the problem isn’t polygamy.

  • anabellah

    May 20, 2015

    Muslims in polygamous marriages or monogamous marriages need to know there is no need for a person to feel there is no way out of a problematic marriage. Information is readily available in the Holy Quran(for those who read it) about how to resolve problems in a marriage.

    The remedies are the same for whichever type of marriage a person is in, whether it is polygamous or monogamous. The only difference between a monogamous marriage and a polygamous one is that the husband has more than one wife in a polygamous marriage. The rules for marriage, about discipline,about resolving conflict, about divorce, about agreements are all the same for the people involved in any type of marriage.

    Polygamy is no phenomenon. The people in the marriages are the problem in any marriage.

  • anabellah

    May 20, 2015

    Please note: The one ayah (verse) cited in the post/thread above lets us know men cannot be fair and just as between women (with regard to what is in man’s heart), regardless of how much they want to be. It is followed up by the following ayah:

    “But if they disagree (and must part), Allah will provide abundance for all from His all-reaching bounty: for Allah is He that careth for all and is Wise.” Quran: Surah 4, ayah 130

    Allah lets us know not to fear we will be impoverished if we divorce. He says He will provide abundantly for all. Allah tells us repeatedly in the Holy Quran, not to fear anything or anybody, but Him.