Solution to Polygamous Marital Problems

solution to polyamous marital problems

What is a solution to polygamous marital problems for wives who are in polygamous marriages, and feel their husbands do not love them? Some wives here at polygamy 411 thinks their husbands love their other wives more than them. They are very upset and hurt by it. They don’t know what to do.

Husbands in polygamous marriages do not have to love their wives equally. Allah controls the love a person feels in his or her heart. If a husband loves his one wife more than another, it is because Allah has placed the love in the husband’s heart for the one wife.

Allah, in the Holy Quran, says:

“Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire: But turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air). If ye come to a friendly understanding, and practice self-restraint, Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful. Quran: Surah 4, ayah 129

Many think that fair means that a husband must share his nights equally between his wives. I’ve already discussed in other posts what justice in polygamous marriages is. It really is a matter of what the husband and the wives agree to. What can a wife do if her husband won’t share his nights equally, for whatever reason, and she doesn’t like it? What could a wife do when she is not the favorite wife and she does not like how her husband treats her?

One solution to polygamous marital problems is divorce

If the husband cannot give the wife what she wants, needs or desires, she could seek a divorce. If she thinks her husband doesn’t love her and she doesn’t want to live in a loveless marriage, divorce could be the best solution for her.

A wife needs to know that she cannot make her husband love her. She cannot force him to act the way she wants him to. She can not force him to do what she wants him to do.

Some wives have children and they don’t want to divorce due to the children. They may not want to divorce due to financial reasons, as well. A wife may fear she will not find another husband after a divorce, so she remains in the marriage.

Another solution to polygamous marital problems is that they come to a friendly agreement and stay married

It’s an option that many couples aren’t aware of. Some wives get so wrapped up in what they believe a husband must do in a polygamous marriage to deal justly with the wives. They can’t see and don’t know anything else. They are in a bind. Their desires have blinded them.

Let me give you an example of this option. A husband intends to spend more time with one wife than with the other. If the other wife doesn’t like it, he will divorce her. To avoid a divorce, she could agree that he spends more time with the one wife. She could even agree that he not live with her at all, but takes care of her monetarily. They could agree to anything that is lawful.

Allah in the Holy Quran says: “If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband’s part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best; even though men’s souls are swayed by greed. But if ye do good and practice self-restraint, Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do.” Quran: Surah 4, ayah 128

If a husband cannot fulfill his wife’s wants or needs and she does not want to divorce, they may stay married, if they reach a friendly settlement. It’s a solution to polygamous marital problems that many people don’t know about.  It’s a way to avoid a divorce. So, there you have it.

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10 Comments

  • anabellah

    March 30, 2016

    Unhappy, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Please see that I’ve moved your comment over to the March post/thread. There is a better chance that someone may reply to you over there. You post could easily get lost on this older thread.

    The link to the March discussions is: Polygamy 411 March 2016 Discussions

  • anabellah

    June 7, 2015

    @Fatima,

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam :-) It is so good to have you here. Thank you very much for your kind and warm words. Thank you very much for sharing your lovely words of wisdom with us.

    You are definitely not alone living this beautiful lifestyle of polygamy. I’m here in the US. Living polygamy may be easier in the US, as people basically leave one another alone to do their own thing, as long as it doesn’t violate any laws on the books (statutes).

    I’m happy to hear the blog is helpful to you, and you will continue to read here. Insha Allah, join the discussions or simply share more of your wisdom with us whenever you are so inspired.

  • Fatima

    June 7, 2015

    Salamu Alaykum, I just want to say Thankyou for creating this website blog, it has helped me through this really tough time in my life that I am going through, I hope allah gives us all the strength we need to make the right choices and give us the oppurtunitys to make our lives here and in the hereafter better. I think it’s so important to take every opportunity in a positive way seeing as usually positivity and actions based on that attract good, I know us women can be complicated at times as we are created to be emotional etc but if we use our God given traits to good why wouldn’t God give good back to us in the end we become the winners! I have one judge advice for all women out there based on my own good experience the key to a mans heart is through respect! , what man can resist a women who is extremely respectful and obediant. I heard a true Story of a man who had two wives one was young and beautiful had a big house and a lot of kids but she didn’t respect him hardly cooked for him the other wife was in her old age but she loved him respected him to the fullest and cooked for him they had a small house and two kids, the husband looked forward whenever it was the time for him to go to his older wifes house it was like heaven even though she was old and did have as much they way she treated her husband left a huge mark in his heart that never goes away, polygamy is tuff but it is our test why not choose to be the winner what do we have to lose by being the good one Prove ur better through ur actions and wise words no body can replace you and yu become unstoppable respect ueself and others respect you lol I have all this on my mind helps to let it out thankyoi once again I will Deffinantly keep ready these beautiful blogs I hope allah helps us in our tough times thankyou and and Thankyou everyone it’s so good to see other women going through similar things and that we are not the only ones expecially if ur in a western country and don’t see it much thankyou may Allah bless you all

  • Jasmina

    May 28, 2015

    Thank you Ana, that is very encouraging and good advice just now.

  • anabellah

    May 22, 2015

    @jasmina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You are young and you do deserve to be happy. I think you can be. You have to tell yourself the past is the past. It’s over, gone, done. It is no more, so there is no use dwelling on it and reliving it again and again. Doing so brings no good. I’m sure you reflected on the past enough. What happened then was for that time. Today is a new day. We all need to learn to stay in the moment. When our minds wander to yesterday or tomorrow, Satan has got a hold on us. what’s real is what is happening right now.

    I have a feeling your psychologist was non-Muslim simply because she or he advised you to put a time limit on things. I don’t think we should do that. It not only limits us, but frustrates us when our goal isn’t met. We need to just go with the flow and put our all and all in it, focusing on now. We don’t know what the future holds. Things happen in Allah’s time, not ours. You may need to invest more time in your marriage than a year even if there was no progress that you can measure. Don’t put limitations on yourself with time constraints.

    If you lighten up and just let life naturally progress you will probably see you feel better and your marriage is better. Men don’t like needy women. They like to be needed, but don’t like the type of woman who always need to be told he loves her and how much he loves her and who he loves best, or he doesn’t love me enough, or I don’t feel loved and you hurt me or you do this and that for her, but not for me; you don’t spend enough time with me; you don’t do this and don’t do that and I feel this and I feel that and blah, blah, blah, Chatter Box They run from that type of talk. It pushes a man away. They want to live a relationship, not talk about it. Just live for the moment in your marriage and naturally let the love unfold and feel it. There is no need to talk about it all the time with your husband.

    We’re here for you whenever you want to vent or just want to talk or say, hey. Insha Allah, make sure you get out and get some fresh air daily. Go to the mall, go to the park, begin walking, jogging or running, go to the coffee shop and get some coffee or summer drinks with whip cream or something – anything. Get an ice cream cone, sundae, or shake. Take in the scenery. Enjoy nature around you. There is a lot of beauty out there. You’re going to be okay. You just need a fresh start. :-)

  • jasmina

    May 22, 2015

    Sallam Ana, thank you for the post I really do appreciate your kind gesture. I did read it after you posted it and I have been pondering over it and my marriage a lot. I have already experienced divorce and I was divorced for 3 years. I had a lot of support during the divorce but shortly after you are on your own and it’s a truly ugly experience. In hindsight I would have done many things very differently to conserve my marriage but I cannot change the past, I can only learn from it.

    Henceforth the only solution for me at the moment is to give it my all to reignite the love between my husband and I once again and to be patient during this process so I need to give it some time and do my best to constrain my bitterness from the past. One thing I learnt from a psychologist was to put deadlines on everything so as to not be stuck in a situation. So for my case I am giving it a year to see a positive change in our situation. There was a time my husband and I were madly in love and above all else best of friends and even though sometimes I wonder if we hate each other now, this fact I believe is what has allowed us to remarry and give our family another chance. In this time I want to not complain to my husband about the past or nag him to love me like before which is very unlady-like. I am hoping the blog will be a support for me and a medium for me to vent my frustrations and anger at times when I am feeling weak, so instead of taking my resentment out on him, I can vent here. I am hoping to start some activities to keep me busy, as I am living in a different state to all my friends and family I have no one here other than my husband and it’s very depressing.

    That is my solution at present. If all fails then I got to move on, I have no choice, I cannot live unhappy for the rest of my life, I deserve to be loved and cherished. I’m only 27.

  • anabellah

    May 21, 2015

    In terms of a polygamous husband having a “favorite wife” or one wife whom he loves more than another, I just read an interesting article. The article was about documents that had belonged to Osama Bin Laden from his final years that Special Forces seized when they captured him. The U.S. Government released some of them.

    Amongst the documents was, “a love letter to one of his wives”. He had three wives at the time of his death who were living with him along with his 17 children. “He made a video letter to one of his wives, in which he says: “Know that you do fill my heart with love, beautiful memories, and your long-suffering of tense situations in order to appease me and be kind to me”. I suppose she was his “favorite wife.”

    For those of you interested in reading the article, the link to the article is: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-32817456

  • anabellah

    May 21, 2015

    This post/thread is more informative than anything else. I didn’t expect there would be much dialog on this thread, as the content is pretty much straight forward. It doesn’t leave much to say.

    No woman should feel she is trapped in a marriage she doesn’t want to be in. Divorce is available to her.

    If a woman thinks her financial situation prevents her from leaving a marriage, the problem is not with polygamy. A woman could be in the same financial predicament even if in a monogamous marriage. Some women say they stay in monogamous marriages because of the kids or due to finances It’s the same story for some women whether in a monogamous marriage or polygamous marriage.

    A woman in a polygamous marriage may say the man has no money because he gives to another wife and family maybe so. Women in monogamous marriages have a song and dance as to why they have no money, as well. The reasons given are the same whether a woman is in a monogamous marriage or a polygamous marriage. The worldly reason could be anything: He gambled it away; he spends it on his mistress; he has a low paying job; he has no job; he just won’t give me any money. The reason doesn’t matter.

    The point is the problem isn’t polygamy.

  • anabellah

    May 20, 2015

    Muslims in polygamous marriages or monogamous marriages need to know there is no need for a person to feel there is no way out of a problematic marriage. Information is readily available in the Holy Quran(for those who read it) about how to resolve problems in a marriage.

    The remedies are the same for whichever type of marriage a person is in, whether it is polygamous or monogamous. The only difference between a monogamous marriage and a polygamous one is that the husband has more than one wife in a polygamous marriage. The rules for marriage, about discipline,about resolving conflict, about divorce, about agreements are all the same for the people involved in any type of marriage.

    Polygamy is no phenomenon. The people in the marriages are the problem in any marriage.

  • anabellah

    May 20, 2015

    Please note: The one ayah (verse) cited in the post/thread above lets us know men cannot be fair and just as between women (with regard to what is in man’s heart), regardless of how much they want to be. It is followed up by the following ayah:

    “But if they disagree (and must part), Allah will provide abundance for all from His all-reaching bounty: for Allah is He that careth for all and is Wise.” Quran: Surah 4, ayah 130

    Allah lets us know not to fear we will be impoverished if we divorce. He says He will provide abundantly for all. Allah tells us repeatedly in the Holy Quran, not to fear anything or anybody, but Him.