Some Husbands Tell Lies

some husbands tell lies

Some husbands tell lies and In doing so, they cause many problems in polygamous marriages. It sets the stage for how the marriages will be.

Usually, the men lie to convince women to join existing marriages and become second wives. They use the art of persuasion. In lying, they usually portray the first wife in a terrible light.

Many times the man begins by lying about his feelings for the first wife. He may say he doesn’t love her but must stay with her. To put it differently, he may say that his first wife is “crazy” or unstable or won’t have sex with him or can’t cook or isn’t young enough for him or he feels sorry for her. Most times, much of what he says are lies or an exaggeration.

Some husbands tell lies to the first wives, as well

They lie about why they want to marry other women. For instance, the husband may say he wants to help another woman with her faith. Yet, he may have married a woman who is not Muslim, and he has no guarantee that she will become one. One who knows Islam knows that only Allah can make someone a Muslim or a non-Muslim.

The man may marry a woman who is young and has no children. It’s okay to do so, but why lie and say he is doing it to help a woman? There are many Muslim women who have children and are in dire need of help, yet the men didn’t consider those women for marriage.

Nonetheless, men need no reason or excuse to become polygamous, the same as he needed no reason to get married the first time. Why then do men make excuses or lie to the first wives or the future wives, when it is not necessary?

Some husbands tell lies that create problems between all the wives

The husband now has the future wife thinking she is better or superior to the first wife. She thinks the husband may soon divorce the first wife and make her (the newcomer) the only wife. The newcomer thinks once the husband is with her, he will no longer want the other wife. After all, she’s now is thinking the man doesn’t love or want his first wife.

The future wife begins to plot and plan based on false information. She may begin to see and treat the husband’s wife as being beneath her. The newcomer’s actions or words tell the first wife the story of what is going on in the newcomer’s head.

Mainly, some husbands tell lies to seal the deal with the potential wife

He knows that if she hears the truth, she may refuse the marriage. Most people can’t handle the truth. Needless to say, the potential wife won’t want to hear that he still loves his first wife and family. She surely won’t want to know that he still has sexual relations with his first wife.

If she hears about his and the first wife’s problems, she may have hope that he will eventually, sooner than later, rid himself of the first wife. She (the future wife) becomes hopeful that she would soon be the only wife.

Think of all the problems the husband may have been able to avoid had he simply been truthful. When husbands tell lies, no good comes from it.

Mainly, the men lie to get what they want. Sadly, the lies hurt all the parties involved, as the truth always comes out. What has the polygamous husbands gained by lying? For one thing, he has created a huge mess.

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38 Comments

  • Mena

    November 8, 2016

    Aisha

    Welcome to the blog. its strange that your husband needs months to ‘think’. Do you know what he needs time to think about? why did a panic attack cause you to separate? I can see why you’d think he was married and living with another woman, but without any proof it seems you will have to wait it out. Theres not much advice I could give since we dont really know whats going on. It’s quite creul to leave you in such a position. can you give more information on what lead up to him leaving. 

  • Aisha

    November 8, 2016

    Assalamu alaikum . My name is Aaisha .I am married with my husband for 5years now alhamdulillah and everything is OK. .But lately after I suffered one panic attack,my hubby and I got separated.He won’t come home..He tells me ,that he needs time to think till January.I am sort of worried as he won’t answer my calls ,we just speak through texts.He tells me also that he will take us out only if he feels this way….I don’t know what happend with him.But I have a big suspicious that he took a second wife and keeps me as first wife…Obviosulilly  think he is living with her..and he keeps me secret .He told me will come back in january home but I am not convinced he will do so . I don’t think I can bear knowing him with with other at night ….please advice .Assalamu alaikum

  • anabellah

    July 1, 2016

    Hello Asia Kizito, Welcome to the 411. I’m glad you found us.

    I totally know how awful you’re feeling about your husband’s lies. It seems to be one of the biggest complaints that wives have about their polygamous husbands. The husbands lie to keep from being in hot water (in trouble) with the wives. They lie to keep the one wife from being angry with them or they lie to get women to accept a marriage as a 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife. Many probably lied to the first wife to get her to marry him as well. Bottom line: There are a lot of men out there who are lying to women to get what they want. What makes it worse is there is Islamic material out there that erroneous says that it’s okay for men to be liars to keep their wives happy. It’s a lie. So the liar is learning more lies from people who say it’s okay to be a liar. SMH

    I know you feel worthless and your husbands lies upsets you, understandably so. I understand exactly how you feel and why. Unfortunately wives who are lied to by the husband do feel and think they have the upper-hand because they want to believe the lies. What good does it do for the wives who are being lied to believe the lies? It boost their egos and make them feel superior to the other wives. Usually the wife who was lied to finds out down the road that she was lied to and she feels foolish.

    So, now you must ask yourself what are your options. I’d say you should confront him about it, for all it’s worth – probably nothing – because he’ll just come up with more lies for you. You could tell her that he’s a liar and has been lying to her. I don’t know what good it will do, as she’ll probably believe you are the liar, which could cause you two to be at odds with each other, which you probably already are, and it will resolve nothing. You could divorce him because he is a liar, but as I said to others here, no one would be married on the planet if they divorce their husbands for any faults or wrongdoing. You could put it in Allah’s hand and let Him deal with it.

    I definitely know how you feel. I get you. A liar is a liar. You can’t change a leopards spots.

  • Asia Kizito

    July 1, 2016

    Dear polygamy 411,I have just come across this website and the article above has caughtmy attention. Am in a polygamous marriage and am the first wife but upto now my husband tells me lies in order to please his other wife. It hurts me a lot and has made me feel worthless. And she knows it all so she feels like now she has the upper hand.I don’t know what to do. 

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2016

    Seeking resolution,

    Yes. Lying and spying doesn’t sit well with Allah. It’s on each individual to recognize the evil in SELF, and try to rectify it by turning to Allah for self-purification. Only a believer will seek Allah’s help. Others continue in their trespasses or seek help from sources that aren’t able to help them.

  • Seeking resolution

    February 22, 2016

    In my humble opinion he still gets all that he wanted a new wife and keep the first wife, even though the truth comes out I’m sure it all will iron out in the end if they all practice Islam. But lieing is a sin as well as spying and does not set well with Allah, which is sad!

  • Gail

    December 29, 2015

    Khadi,

    Hi I am Gail Welcome to the Blog!! I am not Muslim but i have to agree with Ana that a lie is a lie is a lie!!! I hate lying I find it repulsive to be frank.Men lie to save face it is what they do esp when it comes to polygamy.I find it degrading and women would respect men more if they were just honest and laid all the cards on the table in my opinion.Glad u r here keep posting would love to know more about u and your situation.

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    There is a saying that if a person thinks she or he won’t like the answer to a question, the person shouldn’t ask it. A person shouldn’t ask a question if she knows the answer would hurt her.

    There is an ayah in the Quran that relates to such a thing.

    “O ye who believe! Ask not questions about things which, if made plain to you, may cause you trouble. But if ye ask about things when the Qur’an is being revealed, they will be made plain to you, Allah will forgive those: for Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Forbearing.” Quran: Surah 5, ayah 101

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    Khadi,

    I’m kinda feeling you on that one. He probably would be better off if he kept his mouth shut and didn’t reply, but you know how well that would go overLOL The wife would keep nagging him till he answers. If he says,”yes”, it creates problems. In a situation like it – when the wife asks the husband if she looks fat and he says no, there is no harm done to anyone. She’s left feeling good and he’s left feeling good.

    I totally agree with you that there is a difference between a husband lying to save his @$$ in a marriage dealing with wives and something that pertains only to the one woman that makes no difference one way or the other. In the example that you gave, is it lie???

    Sometimes the stupid husbands volunteer a lie when it’s not necessary. I think one of the worse things is for someone to come bring me a lie when I didn’t ask a question LOL. It happens – believe meeee.

    Many times the husbands get caught without the wives having to go search for the truth. The truth prevents itself to her. I go with the saying that, “What Allah wants revealed, no one can conceal and what Allah wants concealed, no one can reveal.

    🙂

  • Khadi

    December 28, 2015

    Oops, walaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh 😀

  • Khadi

    December 28, 2015

    Yep, I’ve been lurking for a while 😉

    Now you’ve got me thinking about this white lie thing, I think if a woman asks her husband if she looks fat and him saying no when she does is very different than him lying to potential wife about first wife.

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    Khadi, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I think you are a newbie. Welcome.

    It’s been said that a man can lie to his wives to keep peace, but I don’t go with it. I read nothing in the Quran to substantiate it. If a person is lying as part of a strategy of war or tells a lie to make peace between BELIEVERS – two contending BELIEVING brothers or sisters – yes; it’s okay.

    For a husband to tell a lie, which is virtually to save his own hide and make life easier for him – NO. I’m sorry. Believe what you want to believe. I’m not going with it. People should be truthful with one another or be quiet and don’t answer. Don’t lie.

    It’s why women should be careful when it comes to their husbands and what they say because many have been told an untruth. It’s not okay to lie.

  • Khadi

    December 28, 2015

    Subhan’Allah this post was spot on, yes Islam makes it permissible for men to tell white lies to avoid hurting his wifes heart, but why lie about things that will cause tension between wives…

  • anabellah

    March 25, 2015

    Zaisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, 🙂

    Sis, I knew you had forgotten the name LOL It’s okay. Zaisha, I believe once we remember why Allah created us and know our purpose in life, life becomes so much easier. It takes time for us to learn a new way of life. It’s a monumental task to unlearn the wrong we’ve learned. You’re on the right track. Keep learning and keep asking Allah for help. Everything will be okay for you. Polygamy is a whole different way of life than what we’re accustomed to and it’s difficult to adjust when we find ourselves in something we’ve never wanted. It’s a challenging journey, requiring a lot of hard work.

  • Zaisha

    March 25, 2015

    Assalam Aleikum thanks Ana for reminding me name. And thank you so much for reminding we are in this world for worshipping Allah not to check we are better or he or she better. I’m trying my best to just think positive but sometimes things are hard to control but i will keep asking help from Allah.

  • anabellah

    March 23, 2015

    @Aisha, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I see where you’ve posted way back in December 2014 here with the username Zaisha. You probably forgot since it was soooooo long ago. It would be really good if you continue to use the name Zaisha, simply because there is another Aisha who stops in occasionally to let us know she’s still with us. It would be helpful, if you do that for us. Thank you much in advance!!! 🙂

  • anabellah

    March 23, 2015

    Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I think I understand your question is whether it’s sinful for a wife to think she is better than the co-wife, if the husband says she is or Satan whispers that she is.

    It’s best a wife does not focus on who is the better wife. Allah says the best and most honorable person in His sight is the most righteous person. Our focus should be on being the most righteous person. One must know what righteousness is.

    The only time a wife needs to know anything about another wife is if she needs to determine whether to befriend the husband’s other wife or not. There is no benefit in contemplating who the better wife is.

    To answer your question about whether the husband is wrong to tell the one wife she is better than the other, who knows whether the husband is lying or not. He may believe the one wife is better than the other or he may be lying to make the other wife feel better. Who knows what’s going on in his head and what his intention is. It’s just a waste of your good valuable time to concern yourself with his intent and thoughts. He will account for his intents and thoughts. Leave him be about it.

    About the last question, how do you know your husband is lying when he says he loves you? Your husband being with his other wife is no indication that he does not love you.

    To answer your last question, the only way to stop being in pain is to turn your attention away from your husband and focus on Allah swt. Only He can relieve your pain. You have to worship Allah correctly so He could relieve you of the pain you feel. Life is not about your husband or about children, wealth or anything else. It’s about Allah. Allah created us for the sole and mere purpose to worship Him. If a wife’s mind is constantly on her husband and frivolous thoughts such as who he loves more, her or the other wife, she is not remembering Allah. She is remembering the husband and the other wife who can bring no good or harm to her. Wives in polygamous marriages need to get their priorities straight.

  • Aisha

    March 23, 2015

    Assalam Aleikum Anna sis i want to ask about this topic if a man is doing this with both wives. Are wives sinful? if they thinks I’m better than her even she don’t want to think but shaytan puts in her mind. And husband is wrong here cause he is saving his self. And one more question sis can you tell me how to stop hurting when i know he is lying he loves me in words and by actions he is with his other wife

  • anabellah

    February 20, 2015

    BenBen, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I was late approving your post because the post went into spam. I had to pull it out of there. Alhumdulliah I looked over the spam before deleting everything in it the way I usually do, a lot of the time.

    I am really glad you are here with us, and have met ummof4. The question you asked us, other brothers-in-faith have asked us, as well. It’s nice to hear you want to do the right thing. I pray Allah is well pleased with you for it. As ummof4 suggested, you should speak to the wali of the young lady you’d like to marry, if you haven’t already done so.

    As Ummof4 stated, there is no special way to convince a woman to accept polygyny. Either she accepts that you want to marry another woman or she doesn’t. If she doesn’t, perhaps one day she will. It’s really about more than your wife accepting your decision. It’s about your wife accepting Allah’s decision. If you marry another woman, it will be because Allah decided it. If you don’t marry the other woman, it will be because Allah decided it.

    You are responsible to let your wife know of your intent to marry the other woman. You should discuss with her how you intend to carry the matter out. For instance, discuss with her what the schedule would be, how you intend to distribute your monies and resources between the two families, and things of that nature. Once you’ve discussed your intent with her, then carry on with your intend and put your faith and trust in Allah about it. Turn to Allah for guidance and help.

    Your wife doesn’t get to say yes or know to what you intend about it. Allah has already given you the permission you need. You don’t need your wife’s permission. You would have fulfilled your obligation to your wife by discussing the matter with her. Allah says believers conduct their affairs with mutual consultation. Your wife has a right to know what you intend to do about marrying another woman. You would do good in discussing the matter with her.

    Whether your wife accepts that you marry another or not is on her. Polygamy is part of Islam and we are supposed to accept all of the Holy Quran, not part of it. I’m sure if you marry another, your current wife will have a very difficult time. It’s when you’re going to need to exercise patience, persevere and pray. You will need to be very patient with her. You will need to show and let her know you love her and your children. Let her know the other wife will not take away any of the love you have for her and your children. The other wife is not there to replace her. It could be that Allah will increase the love you have for your wife. Allah knows best. You may find the marriage to your current wife, eventually will become much better, if you marry another and your first wife accepts it. Allah knows best.

  • ummof4

    February 20, 2015

    Wa alaikumus salaam BenBen,

    Welcome to the blog. I pray that you have spoken to the walee of the woman you plan to marry and not just to her. If not, please do so, so the relationship would be correct.

    There are no special ways to convince your wife to like the idea of polygyny. My advice is that you first make Salatul Istikharah and ask Allah for guidance. Then if Allah makes it easy for you, then you make sure that you are able to the best of your ability to handle anything that may happen. You get ready for the tests by increasing your emaan and obedience to Allah.

    If Allah has determined for you to get married, it will happen. If Allah has not determined for you to get married, it will not happen.

    Why do you think that your present wife will not accept polygyny? Is she a Muslim? Is she striving to be a true believer? To reject polygyny is to reject Islaam, since it is a part of Islaam.

    May Allah help you and feel free to say on the blog. We may be able to assist you in some way.

  • BenBen

    February 20, 2015

    Salamo Alaykom,

    I am a Muslim man 48 years married with 03 child’s.
    Few months ago I meet a young lady 29 years old, who knows that I am married etc. and willing to be my 2nd wife.
    But I am worried about my wife reaction about the idea to get a second wife.
    Please advise how can I convince my first wife to respect my decision and to not causing any harm.

    Many thanks
    BenBen

  • Fiction

    November 21, 2014

    @ Ina!

    When that so called boy texted u even after marriage u said- “Its crazy hoe people can be so cruel & stop on nothing”.

    I just want to share with u something..

    A few months back one of my classmate signed his records ( meant to be signed by teacher), at that time his hands were shivering but he wasn’t caught…. next he signed lab records…… now without a second thought he submitted a fake medical certificate & that too proudly!!

    My point when a person has good intentions, on accomplishing any task he gets satisfied but for someone having bad intentions it serves as a basic step, boosts their confidence and leads the person wanting more..

    Trust me the current most popular trend of making a boy obsess over a girl or if in a relationship then firstly killing their intimacy and eventually their relation is “SNAPCHAT”. yes, there are few blogs run by the MISTRESS herself where she very proudly claims her worth that so many man are ready to trade their marriages just to spend few hours with her & her trick- Texting.. sexting..sex pics.. physical affair.

    In starting Man himself doesn’t knows what he is getting into so how it happens? TEXTING, he doesn’t sees any harm in this, leading him to wanting space in his marriage. Result he feels more comfortable with her.. why? because he can to her about his wife but not with his wife about OW. Result him unknowingly creating a wall within his marriage. SEXTING & SNAPCHAT now not only space & privacy he needs secrecy within marriage, Result this kills emotional intimacy within marriage.Now sexual affair.. result all aspects of intimacy within marriages are killed. Many man said actually they were so obsessed with all this, they just thought one way they actually never thought about their marriage all this time..

    So more than actions actually intentions count. Ina do you really think a woman as clever as ur cowife will have cyber sex unintentionally ? A man if married never starts these kind of things unless he gets positive signs & signals, woman plays very safe would make him want her, fully participate but will make him initiate. Also I can understand overwhelming feelings but its usually happens once not as a routine thing. Also if feelings were out of mind then her virginity is saved & at these moments do u think taking pics happened naturally? okay about that also but then why insist on keeping them on his phone?

    So your Husband has password in his phone around u but if she also can’t access then how she will come to know that pics are removed & get upset. Her intion is not to enjoy intimacy with him instead destroy yours..

    It was a very well planned move on her part to destroy ur intimacy firstly emotional & then physical.Her saving virginity was not something out of her righteousness instead to make him obsess over her.. Guess what? she succeeded in that & I can bet if she would have failed in doing so then this boy would have never even come into existence!

    In ur marriage this boy is not only meant to control ur Husband in her marriage but ur marriage as well, so why would he stop? It will only stop when either she might fear getting caught or ur replies will start hurting her, so it will stop but for her not for u or ur Husband!

    so if not stopped timely she will do things like- ask Husband to meet for something say lunch on ur days, when declined, boy will text him that do u want me to accompany her.Result even at his best your Husband will be with u but only physically with his mind elsewhere..

  • anabellah

    November 13, 2014

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam, ummlana,

    I think it’s deceiving that he didn’t mention he already has a wife. It’s something a man should reveal immediately when he thinks there is potential for the relationship to become serious. He could easily drop the bomb by saying something like, Oh, my wife blah, blah, blah or my ex-wife blah, blah, blah or one of my wives blah, blah, blah.

    I’ve learned one shouldn’t expect anything from anyone anymore other than what Allah tells us in the Quran. He tells us about people. Don’t trust anyone except Him. He tells us there are certain people who can’t tell a truth, and deal in conjecture and lies. In the Quran, He tells us all about people and life.

    I think any woman out there looking to marry needs to be prepared to ask all kinds of questions of the men, and don’t ask any question that she is not prepared to hear the truth. I thank Allah that I’m not out there having to deal with any nincompoops. There are a bunch of straight up idiots out there. Don’t forget Allah says He tests some of us with others. SIGH

  • Gail

    November 13, 2014

    Ummlana,
    In all seriousness after I been through what I have with my hubby.I would investigate any potential candidate to see if they r being truthful or just a hustler.After all it is just your entire life on the line.

  • ummlana

    November 13, 2014

    Assalamualaikum all..
    For some men they will rather avoid the fact that they’re married altogether so no need to lie..
    I had a proposal from a polygamous man. When he proposed he didn’t mention he already had two wives. It was a coincidence i found out from someone about one of the wives. And when I brought it up he said, well you didn’t ask me so I didn’t tell you. But he gave Me the impression and also mentioned he is looking for the first time! I was baffled A few weeks later I find out he has another wife. I mean was i supposed to question every proposal that came if they have another wife or 3?.. To be on the safe side I guess I should. maybe this will be considered as deceiving ? Your thoughts..

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2014

    Ina,

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with you letting your husband know you suspect the information is coming from the co. Although he may not believe it is her doesn’t mean you shouldn’t converse with him about it, if you feel like it. If you speak on it, fine. If not, fine, as well. You have to see how you’re inspired.

    It’s difficult to make a judgment call when it comes to in-laws. We know they will love their son no matter what. Blood is thicker than water.

    I know with born and raised Americans who are Christians, they don’t go for polygamy in any shape, form or fashion. They see it as straight up adultery that the man is committing. They don’t accept it whatsoever. They see the woman who is not the legal wife as the mistress/Ho (whore). They say the man is dead wrong and will pay the price for what he’s done to the wife.

    In a situation such as yours, your hubs is Malaysian and so is the girl. His family have that commonality with the girl. I assume you all are Muslims, as well. Polygamy is not foreign to them. Knowing such, I’d be leery of what I’d say to the in-laws. I doubt they’d side with you against their son, as they’ve got a lot more variables that they are dealing with unlike the American/Christians. I don’t think it necessary to hide anything from them that you may intend to reveal. Just don’t expect a lot from them as far as any loyalty or a lot of support. His mother sent the message with her son and did not contact you directly, hmmm???

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2014

    @Ina,

    I’m with Gail? Her family agreed to the marriage for this girl and she agreed, herself, to it, knowing that the girl wanted monogamy with your husband. It annoys me that most of these women have underlying motives. Most want no more to do with polygamy than the first wives, but they lie. The whole time they are trying to figure out how to get rid of the husbands’ first families. They’ve got a lot of nerves. I think the husbands deserve all the Hell that they go through in these marriages. There may be some good that comes from it from the wives, but most of the men leave a lot to be desired.

    I have to run for now. Chat with you a bit later, Insha Allah

  • Ina

    November 9, 2014

    Waalaikumsalam Ana,

    I did replied to the msg I received a few days ago. I am not going to sit back and ignore them anymore. Before I did not know how to deal with the attacks because I did not know why this boy would be so adamant in tormenting me. Now that I think I know who it is, I know better ow to deal with the situation. I don’t know if I can keep my suspicions from hubby. I have the tendency to blurt these things out.

    I was thinking about this last night and got quite angry at the things I have been sent. Its crazy how people can be so cruel and stop at nothing to get what they want. When his family tell me how hard it must be for me to go through with polygamy, they really have no idea what I am having to deal with. It’s so tempting to tell them what is going on but I have kept quiet about everything that is happening in this love triangle. In the early days of their relationship (and before I knew about the cybersex), I gave her the benefit of the doubt and did not want my views to influence what his family thought or her. Now I do not feel so charitable. Never in my worst nightmares, I imagined it to be like this.

    Hubby sent me a msg from his mother to remind me to be patient and that she loves me. I am trying to be patient and with Allah’s will, I will get through this a stronger and better person.

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2014

    Ina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I was thinking about you and what’s been happening. I really think you are in the right to address her as you see fit the next time she contacts you. You have done all you can to accommodate to the two of them.

    You’re been through and are going through a lot. You’re trying to hold on and accept what Allah has decided. You never stood in the way of them wedding. You’re trying to take care of you and your children. How dare she contact you repeatedly putting her “nasty” (sex pics and all) in your face. (Let me clarify for those who don’t get it, which I only know one person (“C”) who claims not to get it; when I say “nasty” referring to sex, it’s a playful colloquialism for sex. I don’t think sex is nasty – there are adults who have a child’s brain – you all know who I’m referring to). Ina, you don’t bother his other. She has gotten what she wanted – a husband – your husband, his wealth and his time.

    Now she wants to jerk you around and torment and torture you? I don’t think so. You have gone to your husband for help to rectify the problem, to no avail. You spoke kindly to the “boy”/”girl”, saying you couldn’t stop the show (wedding). She proceeded and persists in pestering you and disturbing your peace. Insha Allah, do what you need to do. Don’t be the aggressor. Only react, if she acts. You do what you think is right and within reason. We are allowed to defend ourselves when we are unjustly attacked.

  • anabellah

    November 9, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    @Ina,

    I think you’ve got it right that Allah wants you to rely on him and no one else. We get it twisted sometimes and think our husbands are special to us simply because they have the title “husband”. Some wives get upset and say they have trust issues now with their husbands now that the husbands have become polygamous. Allah never said we should trust our spouses. Allah never said we should trust anyone other than Him. Allah says repeatedly throughout the Quran, those who trust should put their trust in Him. Allah is the only One we should trust. I didn’t make it up. Allah says it.

    We each individually should possess trustworthy characteristics. It’s an individual thing. We should strive to be trustworthy. If other people don’t have it – trustworthy characteristic – then it’s between them and their Lord. If we trust a spouse and get burned because of it, then it what we deserve to get for trusting someone other than Allah.

    Being in polygamous marriages have advantages. We get to learn a lot about ourselves and about others. I truly believe that if a wife embraces polygamy with enthusiasm in an effort to seek the good pleasure of Allah and accept His decisions, it could pave the way for her to enter Jannah/Paradise. It’s a means to have Allah purify a wife’s heart and for her to see people and the world the way Allah wants us to. It’s an opportunity to get in touch with reality. Allah is the only Reality. It’s all good!

    Ina, as you stated, you’re seeing firsthand Allah, many times, will show us what we need to know without us making an effort to find it. It’s remarkable.

  • Ina

    November 8, 2014

    Assalamualaikum,
    The most honest man can turn into a liar when they becoming polygamous as it is in my case. I used to get comfort from and believed that my husband was an honest man. Nowadays, I have to ask myself is he lying or telling the truth. This was never a question in the past. Such much has been revealed to me about my husband’s weaknesses with regards to the opposite sex, to make life easier for himself (initially) and to avoid confrontation. Maybe this is Allah’s way of telling me not to believe or rely on anyone else but him. People we love can hurt and disappointment us in ways we never imagined possible.

    Hopefully my husband has learned his lessons…Allah has shown him clearly that he can’t get away with his lies. It’s quite amazing how much has been revealed to me without me looking, snooping or asking. I do feel I have lost some trust and respect for my husband. This saddens me.

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2014

    There are some people who will simply flat out lie. It’s their nature to lie.

    Allah in the Holy Quran speaks of people who lie. He says:

    “Wert thou to follow the common run of those on earth, they will lead thee away from the way of Allah. They follow nothing but conjecture: they do nothing but lie.” Quran: Surah 6, ayah 116

    “Those who give partners (to Allah) will say: “If Allah had wished, we should not have given partners to Him nor would our fathers; nor should we have had any taboos.” So did their ancestors argue falsely, until they tasted of Our wrath. Say: “Have ye any (certain) knowledge? If so, produce it before us. Ye follow nothing but conjecture: ye do nothing but lie.”
    Quran: Surah 6, ayah 148

    “Behold! verily to Allah belong all creatures, in the heavens and on earth. What do they follow who worship as His “partners” other than Allah? They follow nothing but fancy, and they do nothing but lie.”
    Quran: Surah 10, ayah 66

    People lie when they want to get their desires fulfilled. Some people have taken their desires as their lord. Men lie to women when they want to convince them to wed. The men try to fulfill their desires. Women accept the lies, as they want to get their desires fulfilled, as well.

    Instead of the men being truthful to seek the good pleasure of Allah, men, in seeking their own pleasure, lie to women.

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2014

    ummlana, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome and I’m happy to know you’ve been reading, and finally have commented. Alhumdulliah! I’m glad the blog and all the wonderful people whom Allah has sent here have been helpful to you. Whenever you have something to say here, Insha Allah, please say it. Just jump in.

    Something tells me that if men were to be straightforward and forthcoming, without lies, they may find women who are receptive to being a wife who joins an existing family. The women may admire such a man and appreciate his honesty and integrity. It could be Satan who tells these men that they must lie in order to convince women to marry them when they already have wives.

    Say for instance, the woman needs that type of convincing that is based on lies, she’s not really the type of woman a believing man should want. She means no good for him if, for instance, she needs to hear he doesn’t love his existing wife, and doesn’t have sex with her.

    She asks why he doesn’t divorce her, if she’s that bad. His reply probably is she will have a breakdown if he leaves her or he feels sorry for her. What else could he say, to maintain the lie? It’s sad they have to resort to such measures. Then the woman marries the guy and after the “honeymoon phase” is over, she slowly, but surely begins to learn the truth. He never stopped loving his wife. He was lying to secure his position with new wife. She gets what she asked for, as well. She needed to hear those lies because she was selfish etc.

  • ummlana

    November 7, 2014

    Assalamualaikum all, I’ve been following this blog for a while now but haven’t commented. (Although many a times I did want to). This blog and the beautiful people have defiantly helped me in many ways and I would Like to say a massive THANK YOU to all. As for this post it is defiantly true.. I understand not all polygamist men lie but from my experience some just need to otherwise it would be hard and a long wait to find a potential agreeing to accept a polygamous marriage.. which is terribly wrong. ..

  • alison

    November 7, 2014

    Mashaalah beautiful post so true..may Allah guide us and protect us..
    Salamas to all..hope all us well with everyone

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everybody,

    Ummof4, Nice post!

    You mentioned a very important fact. You said lying and telling the truth are learned behaviors. Children learn from their parents. An example is when the child get’s older; someone comes to the door or the phone rings and the parent tells the child to tell the caller the parent is not home, when she is.

    We learn from our environment. Each environment is like a school. A home, school, mosque, work place, we learn from them. In the home, moral character and development begin. If a child sees the parents respecting each other, the child learns to respect her or his own spouse. If a child grows up in a home in which the parents don’t argue, when the child goes to a friend’s home and the parents are arguing, arguing seems foreign to him.

    It has been said that a husband could lie to his wife about whom he loves more in a polygamous marriage. My philosophy is not to ask a husband about something he may feel he should lie about. What difference does it makes who the husband loves more? Why put the husband on the spot to have to answer such a question when he doesn’t control the love in his heart anyway? It’s best for a wife to avoid that type of question. If you don’t want to hear the truth, don’t ask. Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lie.

    Allah says tell my believing servants that if we can’t say anything good then say NOTHING at all. This tells me that we shouldn’t lie. It’s apparent that when people are at war, they shouldn’t tell their enemy their strategy to defeat the enemy. It is a situation when the truth doesn’t have to be told.

    Tell the truth to seek Allah’s good pleasure.

  • ummof4

    November 7, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    I pray that everyone has a blessed Jum’uah wherever you are on this planet. I believe that adults, like many children tell lies primarily to stay out of trouble or to get what they want. For many husbands engaging in polygyny, it is probably both. They feel that if they tell their present wives the truth she will be extremely upset and angry and they don’t want to face the fallout. They feel that if they tell the prospective wives the truth they will not want to marry them. So they lie to stay out of trouble with the present wives and to get what they want from the prospective wives.

    We agree as women that we would rather have the truth than a lie. The truth may hurt, but a lie brings on so much more pain when the truth comes to light. There may not be much we can do to change our husbands except make du’ah for them and to be positive role models of what Muslims are supposed to be about. We also have to always tell the truth and insist that others tell the truth to us.
    Telling the truth is a learned behavior like lying. Let’s make sure that we model truth-telling to everyone. Teach our children to tell the truth by always telling the truth. Realize that there are no white lies or black lies, just lies.

    There is a hadeeth that states that there are 3 times when it is permissible to lie: to stop a feud between your Muslim brothers/sisters; to keep the enemy at bay during wartime; to make your spouse feel good about himself/herself. In the words of Ana, some husbands “get it twisted” and believe that lying about polygyny is making a spouse feel good about herself. NO,NO,NO! This hadeeth refers to a situation like, “Do I still make you fly to the moon every time we have sex?” The spouse says yes, even though some of the spark is gone. Or “Do you like the new recipe I made?” The spouse says “It tastes delicious”, even though it doesn’t. The lying does not mean that if asked if you paid the mortgage, you lie about it; or if you have married another wife you lie abut it.

    So let’s make du’ah for all the liars in the world that they become truth tellers, especially those that we love and care about. And let us make du’ah that we can be of those that can handle the truth.

    Jum’uah Mubarak to my blog family!

  • anabellah

    November 6, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everybody!

    I’m alerting you all to a new post/thread above that you may like to read.