Some Muslim Men Abuse Polygamy

some Muslim men abuse polygamySome Muslim men abuse polygamy. Why? It’s the question more Muslims should ask and answer. Commentators here at polygamy 411 speak of the abuse often.

It’s not a matter of whether Allah allows polygamy. It’s a fact that He does. There is no need for a Muslim to waste her or his time in debate or argument about it.

The question isn’t whether to regulate or ban polygamy either. Allah places restrictions on polygamy already. It is that a man may only have four wives at one time. Additionally, he may not marry two sisters at the same time.

I’ve summed up polygamy and its restrictions in a nutshell. I’ve already discussed in another post the restriction on polygamy with regard to justice. It is about justice to orphans. The link to the post is: Allah Allows Men Four Wives In Polygamy

How do some Muslim men abuse polygamy?

One way some Muslim men abuse polygamy is by keeping some of their wives a secret. For instance, they don’t let the one wife know about the other. To hide and lie to their wives is their norm. Furthermore, it’s not uncommon for them to degrade their wives by having them live as mistresses.

After the marriage, the man may tell his wife that he already has one, or the wife may find out later on her own. The discovery messes her up. She is now in way over her head and is at a loss about what to do. She has put a lot of time, energy and emotions into the man who is now her husband.

Another way some Muslim men abuse polygamy is by not seeing a wife often enough, or they do not spend their wealth on her. As a result, the wife feels abandoned. She may feel as though she has no husband. A feeling of loneliness comes over her.

Why do some Muslim men abuse polygamy in the ways mentioned above?

It is because they fear others. The others usually are their other wives. They fear the wives they married first. They fear the first wives may seek a divorce. Furthermore, the men fear losing their children

The man may fear the other woman may not marry him, if she knows he is already married. Not only non-Muslim women reject polygamy, but many Muslim women reject it, as well. As a result, the man takes the easy way out. He does not tell her that he is already married.

The husband may not let the other wife know because he has a duty to his parents. The parents arranged a marriage for him. He goes along with the plans even though he loves another woman. In fact, the man has a wrong belief that he must marry who his mother tells him to. He fears upsetting his mother and his family instead of having fear of displeasing Allah.

When some Muslim men abuse polygamy in the ways described above, they wronged their own souls

Most people think that when some Muslim men abuse polygamy as mention above, they have wronged the woman. What is more serious is that they have wronged their own souls. The man is really paving his way to the Hell Fire. He fears other than Allah. Although, Allah tells us repeatedly in the Quran not to fear anyone, but Him.

The men have made their wives or parents their lord in that they fear them. They don’t fear Allah. We must remember that Allah is One God. He has no partners or equals. The husbands disobey Allah to obey their wives or parents. They do what the wives and parents says, and not what Allah says.

Lack of faith causes some Muslim men to abuse polygamy. Apparently, the men don’t believe in Allah. Not only they don’t worship Allah, but they follow their own desires and lusts.

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101 Comments

  • Victoria

    August 24, 2015

    Ruqayya

    Shukran! I really appreciate your input. What you said about being disappointed is so true. I try so hard but in the end get rejected. I do have some hobbies but i am working on moving on with other things like finishing my masters. I do see myself leaving eventually but in the meantime i pray Allah swt grants me sakina enough to help me thru. I think even tho yhings are hard, as long as we keep our eyes on the prize and whatever we do is for Allah, it will help us. Nothing can happen wo the will of Allah swt, and I hope HE grants me the opportunity to improve the lives of me and my children. Take care

  • Ruqayyah

    August 24, 2015

    @Victoria, I haven’t read all of the comments as I’m in a bit of a rush and I just wanted to touch on your 1st few comments. I do not believe a mans days are his to ‘do as he pleases’ I believe they are his to do as he needs, run errands, work at his job, check on his family as needed. I believe a man will still be in error if he spends all of his days with 1 wife and just splits the nights. But as you are not your husband my advise to you is different to the advise I’d give to your husband which is to be fair in splitting the days up to. For you you need to work on accepting it as it is or kicking up a stink, you can’t change how he is but you can learn to appreciate what you have or you can leave. Unfortunately there is only so much you can do when you are disappointed in your spouse. I’d advise you speak to him in a calm and reasonable manner and don’t expect an overnight change. I’ve been discussing my problem with my husband for nearly 3 years now and still while he is ‘trying’ the problem is still there, there have been times I’ve been so fed up I think of leaving him… but I’ve come to a peace with it that I will work on it as it is getting better, and in the mean time I will focus on Allah. I’ve taken up classes, I was considering cancelling my class as my husband will be home during the class time but I’ve decided I can no longer do that. When we focus too much on being there for someone we get really disappointed when they aren’t there for us. This change in focus can help yu a lot until he gets his head on straight again, after that work on making the time you spend with him special in any way you can. Sometimes when men are facing hardship from 1 wife it is hard to focus and fulfill the need of the ‘good’ wife who is not causing problems, it doesn’t make it right but it makes it what it is. You won’t be facing Allah for your husbands deeds only your own :)

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2015

    @Gail,

    I was listening to business conference calls in which non-Muslims were talking about Muslims in countries such as Iraq. They spoke of how those countries have a “culture of unforgiveness”. First, I thought they were wrong because, of course, my mind went to directly to Islam. I know we are encouraged to forgive. So, I, not knowing anything about it, ignored it. Now, the more you talk about your Pakistani in-laws and the people, I realize what they were speaking of on the call. There is such thing as people being from a “culture of unforgiveness.”

    I think about how frustrating it must be for you to deal with people who are soooooo hard headed. I think it’s terrible that your husband, his family and your ex-co can’t come together to try to help out your ex-co. You have her children who she can’t even see or talk to. You would love for her to communicate with them. I’m sure the children would like to talk with her, as well.

    There is so much good you could do together with the children. Your ex-co could have a better life. She could come here on a Visa or whatever for a time. You all could have so much fun together and she could be so helpful to you. He could remarry her and even though he doesn’t love her or want anything to do with her on that level, they could come to an amicable agreement.

    I know for you it’s like beating a dead horse when it comes to him and the subject. You simply can’t get through to him. It’s a very sad state of affairs. I know you are at your wits end with it.

    Gail, I suggest you be careful telling him to get another wife. Your ex-co is one thing. Dealing with another woman, especially an American won’t be a piece a cake. It won’t be a walk in the park. Be careful what you ask for. You may just get it. I think you’re asking for trouble.

    Stop stressing so much about the in-laws. I think you’re burdening yourself more than you need to. My older sister didn’t want her mother-in-law in their home. She complained constantly how she didn’t want their children inconvenience and blah, blah, blah. He was tired of hearing it when he hit the door coming from work each day. They threw his mother in a nursing home (a very, very expensive good one). She died not long after. He resented my sister for it. We are supposed to take very good care of our parents. The parents, however, shouldn’t become our lord. We are to care for them and be kind to them. Your husband is really doing nothing wrong in it.

    Now on the other hand, I doubt it would sit well with me that they ship all their monies back to Pakistan. As you stated, you’ve got your children to put through college. You’re trying to make ends meet as well. If your in-laws were good people with a good hearts and not selfish, they’d willingly help out. I dislike selfish people who want to hoard money all for themselves and just their immediate family. Islamically, it is not correct. Is sad that Muslims don’t understand the concept of spending in Allah’s cause and it would be repaid manifold.

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2015

    @Gail,

    Victoria went on to say a Muslim shouldn’t hurt another Muslim. It’s sad that I have heard quite a few Muslims come here and say a Muslim is not supposed to hurt another Muslim. I don’t know where these people get these erroneous teachings from. The Quran is for everyone. Allah in the Holy Quran tells us that we are to be fair and just to EVERYBODY, EVERYONE, unless we are at war with the people, MEANING they are the aggressors and are fighting us for our faith. Being fair and just does NOT only apply to Muslims. Are they saying a Muslim can dog a non-Muslim out because the person is not Muslim? Allah never, ever says such a thing, infers it or implies it. It is not only Muslims that we are to be fair, just and kind to. It is all of mankind.

    Allah, in the Quran, says it is wrong to intentionally hurt or harm a BELIEVER. The person who does it is in serious trouble. It is a major, serious sin. I keep telling people that a Muslim and a Muslim/Believer are not the same. Allah lets us know in the Quran that they are not the same. Sometimes Allah talks to Muslims in the Quran and sometimes he talks specifically to Believers, sayin, for instance, Oh ye who Believe.

    A believer believes in EVERYTHING in the Holy Quran and tries to live it ALL. They accept EVERYTHING that Allah says. They submit their will to His will. They surrender to Him. Allah says a Believer will not will accept as He wills. The Believer knows that Allah pulls the strings. Allah makes everything happen. He controls the Heavens and the Earth and all between. NOTHING happens without His permission. Only a Muslim who is a Believer will truly accept polygamy in the heart/soul, body and mind. They know that Allah choses a person’s mate, makes the man polygamous or monogamous etc. When a woman truly accepts those facts, they truly begin to accept polygamy and all of the Quran. They have peace and contentment in their lives. They let people do what Allah has scripted for them to do. They use the Quran as their guide and take the recourse that is at their disposal. They take action when Allah says act and exercise patience when they must. They begin to learn when to act and when not to act etc.

    Some of these women are of the erroneous belief that a man has to be superman to be in a polygamous marriage. He doesn’t. Women want to put their emotions and feeling on the husband to fulfill. It’s not his job to deal with her feelings. Allah controls the heart. Furthermore, if she has got a diseased heart only she can get it cured by worshiping Allah and obeying him. Only he could cure the diseased of her heart. Most Muslim women aren’t aware that what they feel is due to having a dark diseased soul. They just don’t get it.

    Allah in the Holy Quran speaks to situations in which the woman is unhappy and she fears her husband will divorce her, but she doesn’t want a divorce. They could work out an amicable agreement between them. In Victoria’s case, it may be what she needs to do, if she doesn’t think her husband will begin to treat her the way she wants him to treat her. She, however, apparently doesn’t want to be told that she could get a divorce. She wants her husband to change. Well, if the man doesn’t change, as you have said to her, she can either divorce or accept her condition as it. If she accepts her condition as is, she need to reach a friendly agreement with her husband. Allah says in the Holy Quran”

    “Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire: But turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air). If ye come to a friendly understanding, and practise self-restraint, Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.”
    Quran Surah 4, Ayah 129

    Victoria’s husband has not turned away from her and she knows full and well that she has a husband. If it not good enough for her, she needs to accept it or divorce. From what I’m understanding her husband doesn’t beat her, not feed her, not cloth her or anything that falls under the heading of abuse. He could very well be doing her a favor by not flat out divorcing her. She doesn’t want to accept what anyone here tells her about the honeymoon stage in which the husband gets himself set up with his new wife and life. She’s not facing reality and I wonder if she is even dealing with a full deck, upstairs, mentally.

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2015

    @Gail,

    I think you summed it up correctly by saying Victoria appears to want to have a “pity party”. She denied it, but her posts point to nothing else. She didn’t listen to us. What she said to Ummof4 went against all she said in her posts. If she was so busy with all the things she says she does, she wouldn’t be here crying the blues about all the time her husband spends with his other wife, doing what the other wife wants him to do, and running to the other wife whenever she calls.

    Most women who are hurting in the beginning stages of polygamy are so steep in depression that they can’t get involved in doing anything new, let alone are able to continue doing the things they used to do. They can barely function. Some have to quit their jobs, as they can’t perform their jobs any longer or can’t get out of bed to go to work. They can barely care for their children. They can’t think straight to go get a hobby or get involved in anything. One need to know about “depression” by having gone through it or read about it to understand it. There are commercials on TV in which they reach out to people who can’t get into doing the things they used to do and feel so blue. Some have thoughts of suicide. Some of these women can’t get out of bed to begin the day. They are totally lost.

    Victoria is in her own world wanting to hear only someone say her husband is wrong and to criticize him. It can’t be anything else.I don’t care what she says to the contrary. She reminds me of the other woman who was here. Her husband was doing the same thing, running off to be with the co-wife, and leaving her there with the kids. No matter how we tried to explain anything to her, she just wasn’t listening. She just couldn’t get. It was like fighting a losing battle. Then she got to the point where she tried to turn it around on me that I was a bad person because I never ever wanted to have any children. Not every woman wants a kid unless she is from a third world country.

    There is no way Victoria accepts polygamy – no way in the world. She was just talking the talk to Ummof4. There are a lot of Muslim women who don’t know what “to accept polygamy” means. They think it means not to seek a divorce from the husband. It is far from what “accepting polygamy” means. A person could hate polygamy in her heart and mind and be extremely miserable in pain and suffering, but will still come here talking crazy about they accept polygamy when they straight up don’t.

    A commentator named “Huda” used to come here to this blog and talk the same crap – that she accepted polygamy, but her posts let one know she had a strong dislike for polygamy and for me propagating it. She came here talking about a believing woman who she knew who was in a polygamous marriage for 19 year, still in it, and was still suffering tremendously from being in a polygamous marriage. There is no way the woman was a believer, had accepted polygamy, and was endlessly suffering with no relief the way Huda described. Allah gives the Believer ease and relieves the suffering even if the relief is just gradual and continual, but it happens. I KNOW it does.

    I think not even Victoria’s father could get through to her. I’m sure,he has tried. I’m sure, undoubtedly, he is hurting to see his daughter hurting, as well.

  • Gail

    August 24, 2015

    Ana,

    I don’t know if I mentioned this before but I will now.I have told my husband that he needs to get another wife if he insist on having his parents with him because I refuse to care for them.I told him this about a month back and he told me not to worry he would.
    Either he will have to get another wife or care for them himself as far as I see the future playing out.
    I intend to travel and enjoy my life with my children without dealing with him and his parents.I just wish he would wake up and see what he is doing.I am going to say he is doing best for him and his family and that is fine and I am going to do what is best for me and my kids from here on out.I thought I would share that with u.

  • Gail

    August 24, 2015

    Ana,

    I have no idea what she was looking for us to say other than have a pity party with her.To me it seems she is morning her loss of monogamy and don’t know how to deal with polygamy.Her dad seems to care about her but he also sees that her husband is not showing interest in her.She comes across as angry and bitter which is totally normal but she claims she is not and accepts polygamy.I think sometimes people say they accept polygamy but in truth they don’t.Polgamy is not a cake walk and u have to give up your husband 50% of the time and the part I did not personally like my husband changed when we were all together and I found him to be an more of A hole than I normally did.lol He did not change for the better.
    I really don’t know what she was looking for I am still scratching my head because I hate that she feels alone.I am perplexed on this one

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2015

    I don’t know what the heck she expected…

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2015

    You, too!

  • Victoria

    August 24, 2015

    Sigh. I would like to thank you all for your advices and suggestions. Allah bless everyone. I cant do this back a d forth. Every post i make, someone changes what i said, puts a new spin, or whatever. InshaAllah Allah swt will help us all. This totslly wasnt what i expected when I came across this site. InshaAllah I will be ok. You all be blessed.

  • Gail

    August 24, 2015

    Victoria,

    I am kinda scratching my head the same like Ana.What Ummoff4 wrote to u is correct but u r saying u have hobbies and basically done all she has said to do.
    My question to u is do u feel your husband is going to change?Are u willing to wait it out awhile longer to see if he will change?Your dad is right it is a matter of the heart and your husband should feel horrible he is hurting u but the reality is he obviously don’t.I am in the same boat my husband could careless if he hurts me he is a selfish person.I know this I am learning to accept this fault in him.Will I continue to live with him in the future?I can’t say at this point but I can tell u if he insist on keeping his parents in the same home then I have full intentions to tell him get them a separate home and move out with them.I hate to do it but I know I have lines I will not cross.U will have to figure out lines u r not willing to cross as well and draw the line in the sand and tell him straight your needs if he can not meet those needs then u have no choice but to either accept his selfish ways or come up with another plan like telling him to live with his other wife full time and let him still support u and your kids financially and tell him straight until he has time for u don’t bother to come around.I think to make your intentions clear is not a bad thing BUTTT be ready for him to blow up at u and be prepared that he may very well give u talaq.I know as wife when u get fed up u get FED up I totally get it but I think in your case your husbands brain is on the other wife at this time in his life and that is why he keeps blowing u off.Really u will be the one to decide how much is enough.
    If I were u and u really had enough then I would tell him straight that he is not spending enough time with u and the kids and u have tried to tell him and he is not listening so u have decided until he can show some emotional support towards u and the kids u don’t want him near u.That is going to be my next plan of action with my own husband maybe u are enough fed up u might want to try this approach but i warn u that he may walk away and u have to be prepared for that.

  • Victoria

    August 24, 2015

    Ummof4
    Now THATS the kind of post im talking about. Full of wisdom, sound advice and compassion, no husband bashing.
    I actually do alot. I volunteer alot, bake, travel with my friends, etc. I Do appreciate your advice tho. Idk why its assumed that women just come at thier husbands with knives, screaming or acting crazy. I have very normal conversations, which somwtimes dont always end calm but for the most part i dont attack him. I dont even say anything to him about it bc he wont acknowledge it so i steer away from making it about polygamy. I never say but u do this w her. I ty to make it about us. Allah has a plan and sometimes its hard going along w it so im working on myself in trying to accept things until He swt changes it. Just bc i express whats going on doesnt mean im going crazy. Im actually proud of myself in how im handling it. I try to make suggestions to make things better and no i cant force him to do anything but its just not cut and dry like that. Allah is just and you cant hurt another Muslim and think you will get away w it.

    Allah bless you

  • Victoria

    August 24, 2015

    First of all, this all got blown out of proportion. You are saying very mean an insensitive things and maybe you should check yourself bc Allah swt hears you….ppl never understand a thing until they are in it themselves. ..so really i cant expect you to really give sound advice regarding polygamy. Talk to me all day about Allah swt, not polygamy.
    I initially posted on here expressing my opinion about how polygamy is doable and Allah swt built us for it bc a man definitely couldn’t handle it. I expressed that a man can make his wives feel loved regardless of who is the favorite. I dont charge my husband for loving her more, or being the favorite. I cant do anything about that, however my beef is his fulfilling his obligations to ME as his wife. Then i went on to trying to understand the lengths of what is unjust. My father was saying it wasnt about being just or unjust but the heart, meaning it should effect his heart that he is hurting his wife. In the end, Allah swt is the judge and will deal w everyone accordingly. Until then, we just continue our salah, duas, and imaan in HIM. Im not dragging this fruitless post on and on eith you trying to take shots at me saying its obvious he loves the other one more just divorce him.

  • ummof4

    August 24, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Victoria, it is sad that you are in such pain and that your husband seems to prefer his other wife to you. To me it sounds like he is tired. He probably thought that he could handle two wives, and can only handle one. He believes that since you two have been married for a while (How long have you been married and what are the ages of your children?) that you are firmly committed to him and would not even think of divorcing him or leaving him. He’s not so sure about his new wife and her commitment.

    He should make sure that he spends an adequate amunt of time with you and the children. What is his work schedule, what is your work schedule, what is her work schedule? Are you and his other wife full-time homemakers or are you out in the work force?

    A few suggestions for you. Have a meeting of the families if everyone is Muslim. Have your parents and his parents talk to the two of you about your situation. If he doesn’t agree with the meeting in advance, then just invite the parents over to your house when you know your husband will be home and corner him into discussing your concerns with the parents.

    According to what you have told us, your husband does need to adjust his schedule and behavior to be more equal with his time. As far as affection goes, it’s more difficult to control.

    Ana is a woman, I am a woman, and the other commentators are women. We have a few men who come on, and they always announce that they are men. If it sounds like sometimes the commentators are hard on the women it is because we have gone through the emotions that are new for you and have realized that it is not good for a woman’s health, self-esteem and Islaam to be angry all the time. So we are asking you to do your best to calm down and approach your husband in a calm manner (maybe you have already done so). We know that freeing ourselves from the intense jealousy and rage that so often occurs at the beginning of a polygynous marriage only makes Shaytan happy and is not productive. So bear with us please. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    Another suggestion that I give to many women is to pursue a hobby or cause that is important to you that does not involve your husband. Volunteering to help those less fortunate is a way of helping us to put our lives in perspective and see how much Allah has blessed us with. You may learn a new craft or skill; start playing a sport; exercise; write a book; study Qur’aan and learn new surahs; whatever you like to do. Your children can also be included on these ventures.

    Victoria, I know it’s difficult, but I and many others have discovered that the less focus we put on our husband and his other wife, the more time we have to focus on Allah, our children, and ourselves. Try a new approach for a while. Change yourself and your outlook and approach, because only Allah can change your husband.

    May Allah grant all of us success in this life and the next.

    P.S. I’ve been trying to get my husband to write a book on polygyny for men from a man’s point of view. They need help more than we do, before and after entering into a polygynous marriage.

    May Allah help us all and give us the best in this life and the next.

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2015

    @Victoria,

    You apparently haven’t read this blog. If you did, you would realize that we don’t side with the men all the time. There are women who have REALLY been treated unjustly in polygamous marriages – wives who don’t get any nights; wives who don’t see their husbands accept once a week or once a month but they stay with the other wives the majority of the time; wives that are secrets etc. We try to help those women and it’s not by saying those husband are right and have a right to do what they do. So, I don’t know where you’re getting your information. There have been wives here whose husbands beat them. We try to help those women get out of those marriages. There was a sister here yesterday, who has been with us for a couple years here. Her husband gives her hardly any time, but gives practically all his time to the other wife. He basically lives monogamous with the other wife; although polygamous. No one here has told her to suck it up and take it. We have been encouraging her to ask for her rights.

    So, I don’t know exactly what you’ve been reading here. What you complain of is nothing like what others here have endured that is unjust. You are just pissed off because you aren’t getting exactly what you want from your husband. It may be all that he can give you. You need to determine how you want to proceed. Ask him for a divorce, if he won’t give you what you want. What more can you do?

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2015

    You’ve got a screwed up attitude the way you come here and get in faces. If you’re angry about your condition and think your husband is unfair, I can only imagine how you get in his face about it. I wouldn’t blame him for not wanting to have much to do with you. I could only imagine what you’ve said to him and then you think he’s supposed to be all lovey, dovey with you. Really?

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2015

    @Victoria,

    Perhaps your husband is being unjust. He should probably divorce you. He doesn’t give you the love and affection that you want and he doesn’t do the things you want him to do. He clearly loves the other wife more than you. If you feel he is being unjust to you and you have let him know it and he won’t change then you should tell him that he is not being just to you and you want an divorce. What more do you want from him. You can’t make him be what you want him to be and neither can your dad. I assume he spoke to your husband on your behalf. What do you think anyone else can do? No one has a magic potent for you. What do you want us to say here that he is a bad man and he is treating badly? He comes to you on your days, he just doesn’t stay as long as you want him to and he leaves early. She is clearly his favorite. Allah says a man will love a wife more than another. He has not abandoned you. If he is not affectionate towards you, apparently he doesn’t desire you. What do you want anyone to say here? You dislike the answers you get and you’ve got the problem.

  • Victoria

    August 24, 2015

    Gail
    Im not angry, my response was in regards to Ana’s responses. I think some of what she said was very unprofessional and insensitive. You cant attack someone (he doesn’t want to go with you to the park. HELLO) bc they disagree with you. I smell a man’s perspective in this blog. When i told my friends anas responses, they each said, that sounds like something a man would say. I have not come across anything beneficial and honoring about women in polygamy on this site. Its always in favor of the man and women are just complainers and WRONG about everything. I dont care what Ana or anyone else says, a man still has a duty to fulfill his wife on many levels. He is not to neglect her, in polygamy or monogamous marriages. Thats basic Islam. Its not about a walk in the park which was totally twisted out of context.

    I never said im against polygamy and she put words in my mouth and how can anyone determine that a lady is only looking for husband bashing which isnt true. Bottom line she doesnt like to be disagreed with which isnt real in life. You gotta take things as you dish them and be open to a different perspective other than your own. You cant tear ppl up when they dont agree, thats just crazy. Maybe Allah will decree polygamy for her and see how she likes it, after all, it isnt haram.

  • anabellah

    August 23, 2015

    @Gail,

    Victoria does sound very angry and it makes me angry. I get annoyed when someone comes here barking at me. They don’t like that this is a pro-polygamy blog. They want to hear me say how terrible their husbands are, bad, bad husband; go gap your legs open to another man; give him a taste of his own medicine; become a whore. What the Hell?

    If they’d read the 87 or more posts here on this blog, or better yet, read the Holy Quran and know their religion, they’d know what time it is. They don’t know anything about tests, trials, punishments, adversity, toil, struggle, Allah’s decrees, submission to Allah will, the stories of the Prophets or anything Allah speaks of in the Holy Quran. All they know is they want things to be the way they want things to be and that is it. I get friggin aggravated with these people sometimes. Then you got the other hundreds of people who visit here, sit and read like I’m their friggin entertainment. They must not know their asses from their elbows. You can’t tell me that I’m the only one that knows what Allah says?????People are out to friggen lunch. Give me a break already! Victoria is barking up the wrong tree. She could keep messing with her husband, if she wants and she won’t have one.

  • anabellah

    August 23, 2015

    @Everyone,

    Please stay on top of everything. We’ve got three posts/threads going at the same time, so it can get quite confusing. I’m good at putting a comment in the wrong place. The posts are:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/muslim-men-possess-secret-wives/
    https://www.polygamy411.com/muslim-men-abuse-polygamy/
    https://www.polygamy411.com/august-2015-discussions/

  • Gail

    August 23, 2015

    Victoria,

    U come across as very angry.I am very sorry u r going through this crap with your husband.I totally get where u r coming from needing to feel loved and respected.The problem is I think your husbands head is up the other wifes A$$.Will this last forever I really can’t say.In my Polygamous marriage things never ironed out and it went from bad to worse real quick with my husband divorcing his 1st wife and keeping me his second wife.I would caution u to not push him unless u r ready to divorce because I don’t believe things are going to go in your favor at this time.I really think u have 2 choices either divorce or have patience and wait and see if in time things smooth out.
    I was very hasty and angry when the truth came out and my cowife was not sincere with me and going behind my back not to mention my husbands actions.I wish I had not been so hasty and told him I was going to flat out divorce him and pretty much put him a position to choose.
    U r well within your rights to stay or divorce but make certain u think before u jump.
    Listen did u tell him that u need him to show u some affection and do somethings u like.I don’t know if u have tried to be frank with him or not but that would for sure be the avenue I would take with him and see if he makes any effort.

  • anabellah

    August 23, 2015

    @Victoria,

    If he rejects everything that you suggest, maybe he doesn’t love you. Maybe he thinks he is doing you a favor by staying with you, and not flat out divorce you. Did you ever think about that?

    You said your father stated, ” Like my father says, this isnt about just anymore daughter, we are talking about the heart. What does this mean?” Your dad said it, ask him what it means. Why ask me. I’m not in your dad’s head.

  • anabellah

    August 23, 2015

    I’m driving now. So, we will have to to continue this discussion later unless someone else has something to add that will help you understand better. Sometimes people need to hear from other people.

  • anabellah

    August 23, 2015

    This blog has been in existence for almost 7 years now. Most people know my story here. If you read the posts about me you would know that my name and my husband’s name are on the internet. People know who he and I are now. He has a job. Would you want someone to read your life story that you worked with or for personal friends to know your life story. I doubt it. So read between the lines

  • Victoria

    August 23, 2015

    Are you in polygamy? Bc if you aren’t, it definitely explains your responses.

  • anabellah

    August 23, 2015

    He was not like it before because he was in a monogamous marriage with you. He is now in a polygamous marriage. They are two different types of animals. He doesn’t want to go to the park with you does not make him unjust. He just doesn’t want to go to the park with you. HELLO

  • Victoria

    August 23, 2015

    Are you in polygamy?

  • Victoria

    August 23, 2015

    And you totally twisted the whole park scene. And i never said i didnt care about favorites, i said its not about favorites. My point about the park was every time i suggest something, even with what i know he likes, he has a reason not to go. He was not like this before. Where are you getting your information?

  • anabellah

    August 23, 2015

    Your husband has not left you hanging making you feel as though you don’t have a husband. He just doesn’t get there when you want him to be there. If you don’t like it then ask him to divorce you. You can’t make somebody do what they don’t want to do. You may think he is unjust. You are entitled to think it is unjust. Does it fall within the realm of an injustice. It doesn’t appear that it does. If he is being on just, then he will account to Allah for it. You are in a polygamous marriage. It will not feel or look like monogamy. So you shouldn’t expect it to.

  • Victoria

    August 23, 2015

    Hmmmmmm I disagree. Even with Aisha r.a being the favorite, Rasulullah was kind and loving to his wives. And my dad disagrees w what my husband does bc it isn’t right. Ethically. Its obvious his heart is with her but that doesnt mean he can neglect me. He still has a duty to fulfill emotionally. Are you in polygamy?

  • anabellah

    August 23, 2015

    Victoria,

    I’m going to write this to you briefly because I’m on my phone and I am not home. What you think is unjust maybe only that your desires are not being fulfilled. You said you don’t care about a man having a favorite wife. Well you should care. Because if he has a favorite wife and you are not the one then of course you will have a problem with it. If he is spending more time with her, getting to you late and getting to her early it means that you are not the one. It means his heart is with her, which is what your dad was trying to tell you. You can’t make someone love you the way you want to be loved. That’s not how life works.

    If prayer comes in at 5 o’clock. and goes out at 8 o’clock and the person prays at 7:45, it’s done in the proper amount of time. He has done nothing wrong. If you want to go to the park and your husband does not, it seems like a compatibility problem to me. He is not being unjust. He doesn’t have to do what you want him to do. Your husband hasn’t hurt you. You hurt yourself by desiring what Allah has not decreed for you. Life is not about us. It’s about Allah. Until you understand it, you will be hurt.

  • Victoria

    August 23, 2015

    Ana

    It seems like this site or blog is pro men in polygamy and each time a woman has a complaint, it isnt valid. Why does he have to go to the extreme to be considered unjust?? Its like he can do whatever the heck he wants and oh well so what. Why is her expectations the root of the problem? My husband has one day off a week and by Allah, he spends it with his second wife. If the night before lands on my night, he leaves early to her house and doesnt come back till maghribif its my night. He may stop in for just a few minutes, maybe an hour and go back. If the night lands on her night, he wont come till the afternoon for a very small amount of time. Areu telling me that this is ok? Did Rasulullah do this to his wives? I’M NOT talking about favorites, im talking about whats right or wrong. Allah swt gave man this right to make his wives feel sad and hurt?? I asked him lets go out for a nice walk to the park. He said i work all week, im tired. Ok so lets do something more relaxing. He says i donthabe the money. Relaxing doesnt always cost money. He left to the other house. We have not gone anywhere or done anything in five months but i can’t count how many times hehas gone outw her. This is right? Like my father says, this isnt about just anymore daughter, we are talking about the heart. What does this mean? Ohyea, he has this right to diss me or deal w me in this manner bc he is in his honeymoon phase. Allah gives a man a grace period on when to be even? And then we are expected to be loving and kind when they come home??? What the heck kind of worlddo we live in and what kind of expectations is expected for the wife?? Or is it that she isnt focused on Allah swt? I feel VERY hurt and disappointed if this is what polygamy allows. Im sorry but Alah swt is not cruel and I think better of HIM (swt). He protects us from eachother and i just cannot se how what my husband is doing is correct. What will it take for him to see he is hurting me? She complains he comes here and he goes and spends more time so she csn shut the heck up. But i try to spend time and there is an excuse.im tiredof putting myself out there to be rejected. He KEEPS rejecting ANYTHING I suggest. He wont take just a little bit of time for me or his children.

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2015

    @Victoria,

    As you stated, the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was fair, just and kind to all his wives. Believing men aspire to have the characteristics and attributes of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). They at least make an effort to.

    Allah tells us all to be fair and just to all mankind unless the person fights us for our faith. Allah loves those who are just. It’s on each person individually as to what they do and how they do it, as each of us will have to account to Allah for all that we do. It’s all written in our individual, personal book of deeds.

    When it comes to a husband, a wife’s expectations definitely come into play. A wife can’t control what her husband is like or what he does. Women will have complaints about their husbands, which we know based what Allah says in the ayah, which is cited in the video, which is at the bottom of the blog. Allah tells women to take their complaints to Him. He hears the complaints of both the husband and the wife.

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2015

    @Victoria,

    I read and thought about what you said. You said if the abuse of a husband doesn’t rise to the level that qualifies in Islam as being unjust then a wife pretty much has no recourse but to suck it up and accept it. I’m paraphrasing of course, because you didn’t say it exactly like that.

    I think when it comes to polygamy and what is “FAIR” and “JUST” women get confused. A woman once said on this blog that a man should satisfy his wife’s needs financially, psychologically, physically and emotionally before he should take another wife. I thought it insane. It sounded to me that she thinks a man must be Clark Kent Superman to marry more than one woman polygamy 411 LOL I’m laughing at the concept, not the commentator.

    I say women get confused about polygamy because the complaints they have of a husband are the same type of complaints that women have in a monogamous marriage or a common law marriage or a long term dating relationship that is not marriage. It has to do with personality and disposition, not with polygamy or any type of relationship for that matter.

    You could see it on the TV show “Marriage Boot Camp” or the TV show, “Divorce Court” or any movie or show that deals with people in relationships. The woman complains, for instance, that the husband isn’t romantic. He doesn’t buy her boxes of candy or gives her flowers. He doesn’t tell her that he loves her. He doesn’t hug her. He sits and watch the football game and doesn’t pay attention to her. All he does is glue his face to the TV and ignores her. He doesn’t want to have sex as often as she does and blah, blah, blah, blah blah.

    It’s all a matter of what the man’s make up is. How he’s programmed. What he is like. It all about expectations and wanting a man to be the way she wants him to be, not the way he is. It’s not a polygamy issue. The man is the way Allah made him. Now, if the woman wants him to change. Maybe he will and maybe won’t. She can sit him down and ask him to. That’s about all she can do unless she wants to cart him off to a marriage counselor, BUT don’t blame it all on polygamy and say He is “unjust” or “unfair”.

    If he was a certain way before he became polygamous, then he changed, but does it mean he is unjust or unfair? If he leans towards the other wife, well,??? Allah says He will favor one over another. He may get tired more, as he has more responsibilities. Things may change. It’s life.

    If I’m missing something or do not understand you completely, please let me know. I’d like to understand.

  • anabellah

    August 15, 2015

    @Gail, Hi

    @Victoria,

    I didn’t forget about you and your question. I began to write a response, but the post was so long, I thought it best I put it in a post so others could read it, as well. The link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-helps-wife-focus/

  • Gail

    August 15, 2015

    Victoria,

    U said a mouth full when u said u do alot for him but he still says u don’t do anything for him.Soooo here is the thing do your picnic idea because u like it and when u do it ask him straight what he would like u to do for him that would make him think u r doing something for him.This is important because u r doing thing u would like him to do for u understand but him being a man will want something else from u like my husband wants massages and I hate like anything to give massage and he wants me to be nice to his parents again hate like anything to do that lol.Are u following me here….. what u think u r doing nice is not his kind of nice.lol just ask him straight and figure out what his kind of nice is that he wants then tell him also what u need from him and u will find things will go alot smoother if u both figure out what each other needs really are.

  • Victoria

    August 15, 2015

    Gail and Ana

    I definitely came to the conclusion that I had to adjust my expectations about her. I didn’t just expect a level of maturity and compassion bc of her own experience but mainly bc she was always a good Muslim. Ive seen polygamy turn the best sisters inside out so I concur that polygamy brought out the beast. Ppl laugh at me bc of my high expectations and I think its mainly bc of what I think I would do. The fact that we don’t deal w each other bothers my husband a lot. He came to me about it the last day of Ramadan and I told him have this conversation with her bc i have already reached out on four different occasions. He said he did already and it was the worse thing you could imagine. Im really not interested in dealing with her and that is the bottom line. On eid, despite him spending almost the entire day and half of the next day, when he finally came home, after a few hours, the text started coming in. He became depressed looking and went to the Masjid where he said he felt “safe” from all of it. I feel like this is his fault bc sje is used to him giving her so much time and the minute he does something different, its a problem. Life is good as long as she is quiet. But when I speak to him about things, its not what I perceive, its in my mind and that’s it. I stopped saying things a long time ago bc its to no avail. It changes nothing.
    I also realize from all of your comments that a man has to!go great lengths before he is charged w abuse or breaking sharia or what Allah swt says. There really is no being unfair w day time and he trully can do as he likes at your expense no matter how much it hurts. I really have a hard time with!that bc Allah swt safe!guards us from hurting each other so I would think he should atleast!be required to!care for each of his wives. Im not talking about being jealous just bc je has another wife, or mad not being the favorite. I simply mean if my husband put as much effort into making sure i feel loved and secure as he does in his wife, I would be happier. I see now that he really isnt required to and its ok to show a preference bc we all know Aisha r.a was the favorite. But wasnt Rasulullah (ص) kind and loving and fair to all his (ص) wives? Wasnt ot just natural jealousy that they had?

    This forum has really opened my eyes to polygamy and in a sense i’m happy bc now i know its time to adjust again my expectations and my thoughts and feelings about it. I just had the wrong idea, sitting and waiting for justice for no reason bc my husband is doing nothing wrong but tje rights!given to him by Allah swt. I didnt know that I dont matter unless im being abused.

    Gail I love that picnic idea. Ill try it. Ive done a lot, i think im pretty much fun and love!to give surprises. Unfortunately, w or without a second wife, he pretty much doesn’t really appreciate those things. Ive done a lot and he still says I dont do anything for him so nowadays Im very apprehensive of going out of my way to make things nice. But I will try it!

    I don’t think just bc a woman hurts from polygamy or anything elsw that she isnt!focused on Allah swt. Ana u said once i focus on Allah then i will find i care less. Can you help me understand you better? I feel the pain is there for a reason but Allah swt judges us on how we handle it. Whether we turn to HIM as our source of comfort or find something else to do or be depressed or whatever else. I would not say that I’m not focused on Allah swt, so I wanted a clearer understanding of what you meant.

    Otherwise this really is a great forum to let it loose and get great advice. Atleast now i have a greater understanding of polygamy, polygamy abuse and what!Allah really means in that ayat in Holy Quran. I had a total misunderstanding!

  • Gail

    August 14, 2015

    Ana,
    I agree with u 100% about Victoria’s cowife.She was selfish from the start and she is selfish now and she will continue to be selfish until G.D wills her to change which may or may not ever happen.Victoria is best to leave that whole entire mess alone and not mix up with her cowife unless she wants to get bit by a snake.
    I do think Victoria should enjoy her own marriage and spice it up and get her groove her and just start having fun with her hubby.

    Victoria take advantage of your husband honeymoon phase and his happiness and u get happy and put a little romance and spice in your own marriage.Don’t let her have all the fun.Know what I mean.lol Surprise your hubby with something different to get his attention and make it fun for u both.It can be a new sexy nightgown or a picnic in bed a nice romantic different,U know your husband.I think men like to be shocked by their wives at times just to mix it up a little in my opinion.Keep it spiced up.

  • anabellah

    August 14, 2015

    @Gail & Victoria,

    Gail, you mentioned that Victoria’s co seems to be one of those wives from Hell. In Victoria’s case, I think it’s a matter of her co being in love with the husband, and doesn’t want any parts of polygamy. She’d prefer Victoria not exist. You know that I know about that type of situation. The woman agrees to polygamy only to be able to be with the man, and cares about nothing else. It probably isn’t at all unusual.

    Most people are all about self. It’s about their desires. They only concern themselves about what they want, when they want it and how they want it.

    Victoria thinks that because her now co had been a first wife in her previous marriage and couldn’t handle polygamy, she as a second wife should be more caring and understanding. She should knows the feelings and hurt that a first wife feels when in a polygamous marriage. She thinks the co should be compassionate and empathize with her.

    Victoria’s co was selfish and greedy when she was a first wife in a previous marriage. She was only interested in what she wanted when she was a first wife. She is now only interested in what she wants while she is a second wife, as well. Nothing has changed. It’s all about her. It’s not about Islam or anything else. Victoria is expecting way too much from the woman. I can see how Victoria see’s things. It’s just not reality.

    Victoria should not be bothered with the co. She should let her husband know to leave her alone about the co, which I think she’s already done. The husband is married to the co. The co is his problem. He need to be happy with what he’s got, and not impose the woman on her (Victoria).

  • anabellah

    August 14, 2015

    @Victoria,

    About the “favorite wife” question you asked, ummof4 gave an excellent response to it. Her entire post was full of wisdom and she said it all eloquently. A wife shouldn’t focus on who the favorite is. If one wife isn’t a favorite, there is nothing she could do, but accept Allah’s decision.

    You should believe what your husband says to you when he expresses his love to you. You said he shows you that he loves you. Believe it. I know it’s difficult for a wife to believe a husband when he expresses his love for her when he has married another wife. A husband marrying another woman does not take away from the love he has for his other wife. A man is capable of loving more than one woman at a time. It’s on the woman to believe it. No one can make anyone believe anything.

    If your are feeling unloved and your husband isn’t giving you the attention you need, you should sit down with him and talk to him calmly about it. Don’t approach him in an accusatory manner. Say you’d feel better if he’d do x, y and z.

  • anabellah

    August 14, 2015

    @Victoria,

    You asked about the statement I made that a husband should see his wife in a reasonable amount of time. I’ll try to explain a bit better. You said your husband spends more time with his other wife than with you. My understanding is he spends some of every day with her. He says it’s okay because his days are his to do as he pleases. He sees you on a regular. He just sees her a bit more than he sees you. I don’t know if there is anything blatantly wrong with it, based on my knowledge of Islam. He clearly isn’t leaving you feeling you’re alone without a husband.

    There have been women here on the blog who never got nights with their husband. They gave all the nights to the wives whom they married first. There have been wives who didn’t see their husbands months at a time and the husbands lived with the other wives nearby. There was no reasonable excuse for them not to see the other wives regularly. There are men who don’t want to be with the wives, and don’t spend time with them, but won’t divorce them. Those are cases of injustice, as I see it. Allah says don’t leave a woman hanging. It doesn’t appear you’ve been left hanging.

    “Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire: But turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air). If ye come to a friendly understanding, and practise self-restraint, Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.”
    Quran: Surah 4, Ayah 129

    I understand that it hurts you that he gives her so much time and you get less. Insha Allah, in time, it will balance out. Even, if it doesn’t, you may find in time that it doesn’t matter once you begin to focus your attention on Allah. Your husband would become less significant to you; although you still love him. You love in moderately. You love Allah more than your husband and anyone or anything else.

  • Victoria

    August 14, 2015

    At everyone
    Shukran so much for your kind words and support. All day I looked forward to chatting and reading advice that would help. Sometimes it feels very lonely especially when not many are in the same situation around you. I think for me, I want the honeymoon phase over and!things to even out but i know the tests never stop!coming😣😣😣

  • Ruqayyah

    August 14, 2015

    @Victoria, welcome.
    I don’t think a man has a ‘right’ to a honeymoon period, its more that acknowledging this is what is happening will allow it to be a bit easier on you. He isn’t chosing her over you or anything like that, it’s just something that happens due to the newness of their marriage. Sadly its just another thing you’ll need to accept but accepting it will make you stronger if Allah wills, hang in there sis, polygamy has a way of making them love you so much more :) if you do it for the sake of Allah you’ll find contentment and happiness, but it takes time and a lot of crazy feelings in the meantime.

  • Gail

    August 13, 2015

    Victoria,
    Everything will be made open and clear in time about your cowife don’t stress about it just focus on u and your life and u will be fine.U got this!!

  • Gail

    August 13, 2015

    Ummof4,

    I really liked how u worded everything to Victoria and summed it up nicely.Glad u had a nice wedding anniversary!

  • ummof4

    August 13, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,
    Victoria, thank you for your kind words. I am the senior citizen on the blog and enjoy and learn from the young’uns on this blog.
    In reference to your husband keeping in touch with you and the children during the day, have you ever discussed it with him? Not complained, but discussed it in a time and place that is not hectic. I have found that often husbands don’t realize how much small, random acts of kindness mean to wives. Men and women are so different.
    Do men have a right to have a honeymoon period with a second, third or fourth wife? Can’t answer that question, I just know that it happens most of the time. For many men, when they marry another wife and their present wife(wives) don’t give them grief, they feel that they can act like they did when they first married and were monogamous. I don’t believe it’s deliberately done to neglect or hurt the present wife(wives), it’s just what they do. But believe me, once the newness of the marriage wears off, and they get into a routine, it’s back to normal, except the sharing part.

    Another suggestion. I don’t know the ages of your children, but the next time you and your husband have an evening together, get someone to watch the children. Then go out with your husband on a date – to an expensive place to eat if you can afford it; to an inexpensive place if you can’t. Or just go for a walk or an ice cream cone, something that reminds the two of you what you mean to each other and the life you have built together and will continue to build, In shaa’Allah. If you can’t eat out, then get someone to take the children for a few hours and have a date in the house. Sparks could fly and you will feel like you are on your honeymoon. If you can afford it and have the support system to watch your children overnight, then go to a hotel overnight and have fun doing whatever the two of you want to do.

    To everyone, always keep romance in your marriage, don’t let it die out. Don’t let the children, jobs, family or anyone or anything else get in the way. This is what my husband and I have practiced for 40 years and it works! Last Saturday my children gave a special 40th anniversary dinner for my husband and me. It was wonderful! And all of our children (who grew up in polygyny) and their spouses want to pattern their marriages after ours. My marriage has been monogamous at times and polygynous at times, but always we put Allah first, no matter what happened along the way in this test called life.

    Everyone have a blessed Jum’uah, wherever you are in the world. Praise and thank Allah often.

  • Victoria

    August 13, 2015

    Ummof4
    Wow! Words of wisdom! Alhamdulillah and shukran for sharing w us! I agree w plenty that u said, even not worrying about her past.I tell myself this often bc i have found sometimes it has bothered me in a cancerous way so I try to let it!go. Allah!swt has a way of turning tables but i still think she has nerve not wanting my husband home w me
    If my husband tried HALF as hard as urs did, calling me and making sure he kept in touch, id be more settled.
    Anyway im not sure i understand why a man has a right to!ignore his first wife just bc!he is in the honeymoon stage.
    Besides patience and prayer, i found recently that exercising reaaallllyy helps my mood. ☺ Alhamdulillah I have much more Sakina than i did last!month! It gets rough!
    But you know, as hard as it!is, Allah swt is the ONLY one we really need to be worried about in regards to every thing but particularly HIS love and attention. While these men disappoint us,Allah swt!NEVER does!

  • Victoria

    August 13, 2015

    Gail,
    Only Allah swt knows what her intentions are but i do believe she KNOWS he will not divorce me. She’s just selfish to be honest. My husband is unhappy that we refuse to deal w each other but I have zero respect for her. I invited her out but she turned myinvite down bc she said i dont speak or give salaam but neither does she. So i really could care less. I told my husband leave her name out side the house bc im not interested in her. If she had more adab, compassion, Id definitely be more opt to dealing w her which i thought she would be seeing as she knew the pain of!the husband having another wife. Unfortunately i was wrong…

  • ummof4

    August 13, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,
    Welcome to the blog, Victoria. From what you have written, it does not sound as if your husband deceived or lied to you; that’s a plus. As Ana mentioned, they are in the honeymoon phase of their marriage, hopefully it will end soon.

    I advise you not to worry so much about the past life of your husband’s other wife. What matters now is that she is married to your husband. It is possible that she still does not accept polygyny and has plans to get rid of you and have her husband all to herself. It is also possible that she has changed and accepts polygyny, but is not ready to deal with having a relationship with you yet. She may need time to be able to communicate with you or she may never communicate with you. Your life will go on,
    In shaa’Allah.

    Don’t worry so much about your husband having a favorite wife. It may be you or it may be her. Favoritism is not just about time spent with the wife. A husband may spend the same amount of time with each wife, but still have a favorite wife. Also, most husbands admire different qualities in each wife, since each wife has a different personality. Many years ago, in 1984, when my husband became polygynous for the first time, I used to think that he loved and liked his other wife more than me. It was nostly due to the fact that he and I had small children which took up a lot of our time and gave us little private time. He and his other wife had no children, she had one teenage son who was not home often. After a year or so, I realized that I should not even be concerned with what went on in their household as long as my household was running smoothly. My husband worked overnight and I worked during the day, so we didn’t spend much time together even before he married a second wife. But he always communicated with me during the day after he awakened and tried his best to see the children or me almost every day.

    You seem to be handling the hurt and pain extremely well so far, Alhamdulillah. Keep up the good work and work harder on being the best slave of Allah that you can be. The hurt and pain will lessen if Allah becomes your focus in life. I’m not saying that Allah is not your focus, but polygyny makes us realize just how much we have to depend on Allah and makes us depend less on our husbands for validation.

    May Allah grant us all sakinah (peace and tranquility).

    P.S. No wife can make a man divorce another wife. He does it because he wants to. No wife runs a man out to commit adultery. He does it because he wants to. No one makes a couple fornicate if they have a close relationship. They do it because they want to. (Notice I said man, not a little boy who never grew up.)

  • Gail

    August 13, 2015

    Victoria,
    Ana is great about explaining schedules but I will tell u this u better fight for your rights now or don’t complain later.U stick up for u and your kids rights because u know well by now your cowife don’t give a crap about u or your kids spending time with HER husband get it? Don’t be a push over u get a schedule made and by dang u make him stick to it.U r not going to be the nagging wife u r going to be an advocate for u and your children understand.

  • Victoria

    August 13, 2015

    Gail
    Im cracking up! You are prob VERY right! Allah is JUST and I hope that HE deals w it.
    Im!actually looking into!a!job now and going back for my masters. Alhamdulillah Allah gave me beautiful children and we do alot together and I am so grateful for them!

  • Gail

    August 13, 2015

    Ana,
    I think in Victoria’s case she has got the evil cowife from HELL I get the feeling.

  • Gail

    August 13, 2015

    Victoria,
    U have to laugh though the woman that fought tooth and nail not to be in Polygamy with her first husband ended up being a second wife in polygamy by her own choice.How insane is that.Really I have no respect for a woman like that and she will end up getting what she deserves in the end if she married your husband in planning to get him to eventually divorce u is what I feel is going on here.I hope I am wrong but this is the feeling I am getting by your comments.U seem like a great person and I think if u can just build a life for yourself and lay down the rules to your husband and block that woman out like she is not not even there then u have a fighting chance.U will have to be mentally stronger than her because chances r very soon u will start seeing her true nature.

  • Gail

    August 13, 2015

    Victoria,
    I really liked what Ana commented to u about trying to understand that your husband and second wife are in their honeymoon stage however I will say this watch your back sister with this one as she may very well be a snake.I said it a million time and I will say it one more time a person past behavior is a very good indicator of what they will do in the future and other saying if someone tells u something about themselves Believe them.Now in your case your cowife would not accept polygamy in the past from what i understood but now she has married your husband and refuses to reach out to saying it is your place which is just AKA…. being a B!tch about the situation.I believe she will give it her very best to drive a wedge in between u am your husband and will ultimately try to get u divorced.I am going to be honest with u in this case and tell u your best defense in this situation is stay far away from her and tell your husband straight up not to talk about u or your marriage in any way shape or form to her because he is aware of her past and not accepting polygamy.I think your husband is insane to marry a woman who he knows in the past would not accept polygamy knowing she will cause him grief but i am sure she has hoodwinked him into believing she is a changed woman although the signs r there with her not reaching out to u which again confirms what i am saying and for u to stay away from her so she don’t know about u so she can’t use anything against u to twist stuff up and screw with your husbands brain because lets face it he is not the brightest tool in the shed for picking her and seems he can be manipulated pretty easy if u ask me.Just focus on you and if u have kids focus on them and take up a hobby or go back to work make a life for yourself is what I am saying.Don’t focus so much on Dumb and Dumber! LOL Hope this helps

  • Victoria

    August 13, 2015

    Thanks so much for your reply. Yep I did mention!I try to be a good Muslima regardless of what’s going on around me as I am aware that I do serve Allah swt and not my husband although it does not negate hurt or pain in tests and trials.
    I enjoyed your perspective about what I have written and it made lots of sense. I did however have a question about your comment about what is considered unjust. What is not going!to his wife in reasonable amount time? What does that mean?
    What are your thoughts about a man having a!favorite, and where does that leave the less loved one? My husband tells me all the time to have confidence as no one could ever be me. He!saod its etched in stone but it definitely doesn’t feel like it! Im not so much concerned about favorites as I am about a husband making all his wives feel loved. Is that asking for too much? Is it fantasy or something that is possible? In accepting him having another wife, I don’t wish for her not to have despite her!denying her ex husband another wife for many years sending him to the streets for women, happily marrying a married man, I just wish my husband did a better job of making me feel like he still cares!for me. She doesn’t like when he spends time with me time literally some times is a few hours when she gets alot more. I refuse to be a nagging wife, it turns my stomach just thinking about it. But if there is any thing i!dont like about her is the hypocrisy in marrying into polygamy when SHE didn’t want it for herself and then having selfish ways w a man w a wife and children.

  • anabellah

    August 13, 2015

    @Victoria, Welcome! :-)

    It’s nice to have you here.I’m sorry to hear you are hurting. Insha Allah, He’ll give you some relief soon.

    I’ll share some of my thoughts on what you’ve said. Since your husband has only been married to her for five months, it explains why he may be giving her a lot of time and attention. The marriage is new and she and he are in what we refer to here as the “honeymoon stage”. In time he may begin to devote more love, affection and attention back to you.

    I think women should expect that the husband will be happy when he takes on another wife. There would be a certain amount of excitement for him and the wife he just married. I know it doesn’t make you feel any better. It seem wives who married first forget that when they first married they probably had the “honeymoon stage”, as well. The difference is that the first wife probably didn’t have to share, for many years. The wife who marries a married man has to start off sharing from jump street. She doesn’t have the opportunity to have the man as a husband all to herself. First wives need to consider that the husband and his other wife will be in a state of honeymoon bliss for a time? Why shouldn’t they be?

    Just because she seems to be the favorite for the moment, doesn’t mean she will always be. Muslim women who are in a polygamous marriage needs to realize that the husbands will have a favorite. Most likely the wives will know who the favorite is. Ideally a husband will not let the wives know who the favorite is. Ideal is not reality. Everyone knew the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) favorite wife was “Aishah”. He didn’t hide it. It lets me know a man can be himself and don’t have to be on edge all the time when dealing with his wives thinking he’s going to hurt one of the wives feelings because he loves one more.

    What comes to mind about “injustice” in a polygamous marriage would be a husband who doesn’t go to see his wife a reasonable amount of time, and leaves her “hanging” as is mentioned in the Quran. It’s what is unacceptable. Wives need to ask whether they view a man who has a favorite wife as being unjust. Having a favorite is not an injustice. Every woman wants to be a favorite wife. When she isn’t, does it mean her husband is unjust or is not handling polygamy well?

    A wife needs to stop making her husband her world. If she doesn’t she will constantly critique the marriage and what her husband is doing. She will be unhappy most of the time because she has turned to created things – a husband – and not to the Creator (Allah).

    You said you try to be a good Muslimah. What does being a good Muslimah mean to you? We need to concentrate on being good servants of Allah. If it’s not a Muslim’s focus, she will have serious problems in her life. Life is not about a husband. It’s about Allah.

    I welcome any response you have about what I’ve said. Perhaps others have something to say to you, as well. Feel free to chat more, if you’d like.

  • Victoria

    August 13, 2015

    I agree w Gail in regards to women being against polygamy bc the men or some men, go about it wrong. I personally feel its doable as long as the man and all parties involved practice the sunna and not their nafs. I am a first wife and i believe if a man made his wives feel special, it really makes a difference. Of course there are some women who simply dont want to share, first or second, and it causes alot of jealousy related issues. Im not saying its peaches and cream bc its not, and frankly isnt supposed to to be. Its a test for all of us. The man chooses another wife and has to live w all that comes w it. The women have to deal w the fact that it is the sunna and can do nothing about it. I believe harmony is attainable when we control ourselves and the man can trully be loving to each his wives in their own way rather than follow is nafs, however that seems to be a fantasy world. If men werent going to be unjust, there would be no law against or punishment. so that tells us in fact men will be unjust. Not all of them, but some. My husband married a lady who was against polygamy in her own arriage prior to marrying mine. She stopped her husband from getting married for many years. He got married once and she forced him to divorce her or she would divorce. I guess because it was done behind her back, but she never let him get one. For many years he tried. She broke off every engagement he ever had. In the end he committed adultery repeatedly and after years, divorced. This same lady happily married my husband and never speaks to me. She feels i need to be the one to reach out. She gets upset when my husband finally comes home to me and my children. The marriage is fairly new, about five months. He has spent alot of day time w her, going out, taking her car places, him leaving at fajr to her house and not seeing him for hours in the day, and he says its allowable because day time is his to do as he likes. Personally i find nothing wrong w it, but I do find it causes unnecessary feelingd, if he would only do the same for me,but he doesnt. I naturally think she is what he prefers and this makes polygamy more difficult than it already is and more than it needs to be. I think its doable if we thought more of eachother and not just ourselves but even that seems to be fantasy as well. I dont think my husband really loves or cares about me and does whats easier for him and cares to make sure she doesnt fuss. I dont bother him when he does things for her or goes places w her, i just wish he did the same for me. I guess this is MY test. I pray that Allah swt brings a resolve very soon because i am really hurting inside. I try very hard to be a good Muslima, but it is very challenging at times.i base my opinions on my experience, thinking that we are built for polygamy, but is challenging when the husband just isnt the best at it.

  • Gail

    August 10, 2015

    Ana,
    I agree with everything u wrote on polygamy.I will say though my husband and his parents,brothers and sisters have cut off their entire family of aunts uncles grandparents,cousins etc… I find this to be extremely strange since this is not normal conduct in their society but that is for sure what they have done.They only communicate with one aunt and uncle out of 100s of family members strangely.

  • anabellah

    August 8, 2015

    @Gail,

    It would be nice for children of polygamous marriages to all grow up together as a family. We need to keep in mind that what we think is ideal isn’t really reality. There are incidents referred to in the Quran about sibling rivalry. Take for instance the story of Prophet Joseph (PBUH). He and his eleven brothers were raised together. Only Benjamin was his full brothers. There was rivalry from his brothers towards Joseph because he was his father’s favorite son.

    There is rivalry and hatred between siblings, period. I see it in my own family. There is no absolute and ideal. I don’t know if it really matters that the children all grow up together as brothers and sisters. What difference does it really make?

    Muslims are not supposed to severe ties between their Muslim relatives. It’s an order. Thank Allah for the order. It help keeps families intact when they want to not associated with one another ever again. If my one sister who I have a strong dislike for was Muslim, I wouldn’t be able to disassociate myself from her the way I have today. I know of many people who don’t communicate with their sibling and when they do it is very strained.

  • anabellah

    August 8, 2015

    @Gail,

    I think it’s an interesting topic as well. I like that you ask questions and try to find answers. It’s how we learn. I often wonder why there are so many readers here, but people don’t speak up. I’ve noticed in cyberspace many comments on websites are silly, meaningless sayings. There aren’t many serious thinkers. It’s weird.

    You said there seems to be no need for polygamy unlike years ago. I agree with you that polygamy makes life easier for everyone. I see how it makes life easier in many way. Let’s look at it from a different perspective.

    People need to look at polygamy the same way they look at monogamy. Marriage is marriage. The only difference between a polygamous one and a monogamous one is there are more wives in a polygamous marriage. The same reasons a man marries any woman and is monogamous should be the same reasons he marries another woman and becomes polygamous.

    Most, not all men desire, more than one woman. It is a desire God has placed in man. If anyone were to say polygamy isn’t needed in the 21st century, the person should say there is no need for marriage at all – there is no need for a monogamous marriage either. A polygamous marriage shouldn’t be treated any differently than a monogamous one. If society won’t accept polygamy, and won’t recognize it, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t stop couples from making private contracts of marriage amongst themselves. They just can’t expect the courts to enforce the contracts in countries that don’t recognize polygamy.

    There are women who are willing to marry men who are already married. There is nothing wrong with it as long as the man doesn’t lie and is deceitful to any of the women. Muslim men need to be dignified and honorable with women they marry or want to marry. The women who marry men in the order of second are no different than the ones that marry in the order of first. What makes the difference, according to God, is righteousness. The one who is most righteous is the better person.

    Women’s main problem with polygamy comes from within. Most don’t want to share. They are very selfish people. They are full of envy and jealousy. They are bitter, hateful and yes – evil. I’m not saying men aren’t. What prevents women from accepting polygamy is what is in their soul. Allah in the Quran speaks of the diseased heart.

    Women need to stop blaming their husbands and the other women for the condition they are in. They need to put the blame where it belongs, which is on themselves. Men need to man up and stop cowing down to women. They need to stop hiding and stop lying. Women need to work on what is in their hearts and try to become better people. If they believe in Allah – truly believe and not give lip service – they will turn to Allah for help.

    I agree with you that the majority of men do marry for lust. If they don’t marry as an act of worship to worship and serve Allah as their main purpose, it’s most likely for lust. Allah knows best why the man married. If he or she married for lust, they will have many problems in the marriage and will be answerable to Allah for what they’ve done.

  • Gail

    August 8, 2015

    Ana,
    I find this an interesting topic because so many men that do want to practice polygamy are going about it the wrong way and that is why woman are lashing out and not accepting it.
    This is my thoughts on Polygamy and why it was acceptable.I think it has to do with the more children u had the more wealth u could create.Obviously a man that has more sons could do more farming and herding etc… and a great importance was put on family ties back then etc.. Now in todays world we don’t make r wealth the same way and in many cases the children do not live with the parents after they are grown so not alot of need for alot of children these days although if a man liked this idea of large family and keeping his family together and wealth in one place with the sons then even still today this concept would work very well.This is the main reason I personally love polygamy simply because it makes life easier on everyone.I honestly do not know any other reason a man would desire polygamy of not for this reason unless lust was involved.I get that men marry woman and provide for the women but if they don’t have children then i wonder what is the use in practicing polygamy.Also what is the use if say the children are separated as well and not living together in a joint family unit.I know you differ on this idea and I respect that but Gosh I just can’t logically wrap my mind around it unless they wanted to build wealth for their future generations.

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2015

    @Gail,

    If a man backs off from polygamy because he fears his wife will divorce or leave him, he fears his wife and Allah tells us to fear no one and nothing, but Him. The husband lets the wife call the shots and control his life, which is a no, no unless she is God fearing. Who is she to say he can’t do something (live polygamy) that Allah has clearly said he can. I’d want my husband to stand his ground and stand up to me if he wants to be polygamous, which he’s entitle to be. I prefer he not back down, even though I’d have to go through an EARTHLY HELL to adjust. My husband would get my respect in the long wrong. He actually helped me to accept Allah’s decision. Allah used him, perhaps as a vehicle to bring me nearer to Him.

    A Muslim woman doesn’t have the upper hand, if she threatens divorce if her husband does what Allah has allowed. She’s only ruining her own soul and is growing further away from Allah and towards the Hell Fire. She thinks she got the upper-hand. She sees just how ugly and diseased her heart is.

    Although divorce is permissible, a woman who is a believer will not seek a divorce from her husband if there is no other reason for a divorce except polygamy. She may threaten divorce and act all shades of crazy, but ultimately she won’t want a divorce. If there is no other reason, such as abuse or abandonment and she wants a divorce, the woman doesn’t accept polygamy. She doesn’t accept a part of our religion – Islam. Allah lets us know that a Muslim will not enter Jannah/Paradise unless he or she accepts the ENTIRE Quran.

    I agree with you that some Muslim women feel trapped in a marriage when they feel they have no way out. The women have to look at their lives as I’ve stated before. They must analyze their lives. Polygamy could be a punishment for them. Allah’s punishment is severe. Allah tells us what to believe and what to do. When we don’t do it, we suffer the consequences. Allah does no accept part-time worship from us. As you know, Pakistan is steep in culture and little Islam. Therefore the women stuck in those marriages is in them for a reason. They deserve what they’re going through. Allah is a JUST GOD.

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2015

    @Musa, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m glad you like the post. You said you admit your wrongs. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s okay. We all make mistakes and err. It’s important we see the wrong we do and repent. We ask Allah for His Forgiveness and His Mercy.

    Living a polygamous marriage can be devastating and debilitating for any woman. It doesn’t mean a polygamous marriage is not good. It takes a lot of hard work on the wives and the husbands’ part. They can’t succeed without the help of Allah.

    Do we think we will enter Paradise without being test? Not only it – Allah’s punishment is severe. Maybe polygamy is a curse for a person or maybe it is a blessing. Only Allah knows. Allah is a Just God.

    Insha Allah, read my reply to Gail. It maybe helpful to you https://www.polygamy411.com/muslim-men-abuse-polygamy/#comment-8833

    Try not to feel humiliated or ashamed that your wife went to the Imam about you. Overlook her fault and forgive her. Insha Allah, she’ll see the error of her ways and will seek Allah’s help and forgiveness. Don’t worry about what others think. Allah tells us not to concern ourselves with the reproaches of others. Let them criticize us and be disappointed in us. Don’t care. You’re doing the best you can. Keep turning to Allah for His help and guidance. You’ll be okay.

  • Gail

    August 7, 2015

    Ana,
    Thanks for clarifying.One fact though that does not add up for me is if it is ok to divorce if the wife can not accept polygamy would it not be more logical for the man to back off from polygamy given he will be faced with a possible divorce?So kinda the woman does have the upper hand here factually speaking it seems.I think woman feel stuck in polygamy alot of times when they just don’t want to deal it because of culture.It is good for woman to know Hey if u really don’t feel u can deal this lifestyle u can divorce.I think it empowers woman to know this in a factual way the same as it is ok for a man to practice polygamy.Interesting topic!

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2015

    @Gail,

    Phew, Phew you covered a lot of territory in one post. I’ll try to answer as best I can based on my knowledge of Islam.

    You said there is a wrong way and a right way for a man to enter polygamy. I will say the right way would be for the man to consult with his wife about his intent to become polygamous. He should sit her down and discuss it with her, not get her permission. He doesn’t need her permission. Polygamy will effect her life, so she should have some input about it with regard to the finances and schedule etc. Ultimately, he will make his intention as to how he will proceed.

    No man should wait till his wife is ready to accept polygamy and can deal with it. If he did, he’d never get married. It’s not a prerequisite for polygamy. Probably 95% of women, including Muslim women, don’t accept polygamy. She’d have to be a staunch believer to accept polygamy with open arms, embrace it and welcome it, unless she was open to that type of relationship and it has nothing to do with Islam. There are people who look for those type of alternative lifestyle, but it’s not about Islam. It’s like wife swapping and stuff. Anyhow, when it comes to polygamy, a Muslim man has to do what he is inspired to do.

    A Muslim woman who is living Islam, reads the Quran, and cares about her afterlife, will try to accept polygamy even though it almost kills her. She knows that Allah is in control and in charge. She knows Allah calls the shot. She knows that she has to surrender and submit her will to Allah in Islam. She knows she has no will. She knows she shall not will except as Allah wills. These Muslim women who are Believers are few. Don’t get me wrong! These women as I said will go through some hardship in trying to live according to the dictates of Islam. She probably will act a fool and go crazy. Nonetheless, Allah has let us know that we will have trials, toil, struggle and adversity. He lets us know, as well, that He will give the Believer relief. After hardship there is relief. After hardship there is ease. He disposes of the Believer’s affairs towards comfort and ease.

    Now, on the other hand, there are Muslim women who may look the part. They say they are Muslim. The whole while they are preoccupied only about this life. They know about the afterlife, but probably don’t give it a whole lot of thought. One day their husbands hit them with polygamy. They get just as distraught and messed up about it as the woman whom I spoke of above. The difference is she doesn’t want to hear anything about what is in the Quran, about the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) or anything else. All she cares about is what she wants and is going through. She makes excuses, for instance, that she can’t serve Allah due to the distraction of polygamy etc. when adversity is supposed to bring us closer to Allah. She is a miserable soul and makes her husband’s life and maybe the co-wife life, as well, an earthly Hell. Remember the women I previously mention may do the same thing. The difference is the woman whom I spoke of above eventually snaps out of it once she get her self more right with her Lord/Allah. The other one continues indefinitely to be a thorn in everyone’s side. She’s a disaster and a nightmare.

    The one wife who is the Believer continually grows nearer to Allah and her life become one full of joy. This life, of course, is earth, so she will continue to have minor ups and downs, but nothing earth shattering or anything she can’t handle. She’s got Allah guiding, helping, directing and protecting her.

    No one should blame the husband for the condition his wife is in. It is her heart and soul that she is responsible for. She either works on her soul for Allah to purify it or she continue to live life with a dirty heart, which will lead her to the Hellfire.

    Polygamy should let the husband see what type of wife he has. Some wives could be quite ugly in heart. Two of Allah’s Prophets had wives who were unbelievers – The wife of Prophet Noah (PBUH) and the wife of Prophet Lut (Lot) PBUH. Their wives will be in the Hell Fire. Others have a diseased heart, but recognize it and set out to purify it. Only Allah can purify the heart.

    Brother Musa has to look at his wives and see what they have shown him in terms of their belief or lack of belief in Allah. What’s in a person’s heart tends to present itself for others to see.

    About divorce, divorce is allowed in Islam. Some societies with their culture have made divorce taboo or a hateful thing. Some use other material (not the Quran) in an effort to oppress women and keep them in marriages they don’t want to be in. It’s wrong.

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2015

    @Gail,

    It seems your husband, like most men, don’t see things clearly LOL. Your hubz only sees that his ex-wife agreed for him to marry you. He apparently does not look at why she agreed. Her reasons for agreeing were self-serving. It’s not that she had any love for the lifestyle or for you. She apparently didn’t think the situation would be long lasting, but expected his marriage to you to end once they achieved the end result that she wanted – which she never got. It all backfired on her. People don’t realize they can’t plot evil for others and not expect to get it back.

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2015

    @Gail,

    You asked a very good question. I think only Muslim women who don’t want their husbands to become polygamous use the fact that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was monogamous until his first wife died as a reason that men don’t need to engage in polygamy. It is a vain attempt to keep their husbands from becoming polygamous. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was monogamous and he was polygamous in his lifetime. It goes to show that both monogamy and polygamy are perfectly acceptable. One way is no better than the other.

    Allah, in the Holy Quran, speaks of the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) other wives.They were the “Mothers of the Believers”. Polygamy is part of our way. If a man wants to become polygamous it is not for a wife to try to stop him. It’s a right Allah has given men. It’s up to the man whether he wants to be polygamous or monogamous. It’s not up to the wife. She has no veto powers. The husband will only become polygamous if Allah has written it for the man, anyhow.

    Only Allah knows why he had the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) be monogamous until his first wife died. We know he was married to her for 25 years and the Quran was revealed during their marriage. It took 23 years for the complete Quran to be revealed to him. I see it that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) needed to deal with what was most important at the time (the revelation of the Quran) and his wife helped him through it. She was a comfort to him.

  • Gail

    August 7, 2015

    Ana,
    I am curious do u think Islamic Women when their husband approach them with polygamy they do think to Prophet Muhammad first wife and how he did not practice polygamy while she lived.I think that could open a whole can of worms for Islamic women in general when their husband come to them with polygamy.It is something I thought about in the past but never gave much thought to since I am not muslim but i am curious why he did not practice polygamy with his first wife verses his other wives.I think If I was a muslim woman I would for sure want to know the answer to that since people follow the Prophet Muhammad teachings.
    It was just something I am curious about.
    My excowife family seems to be causing small disturbances and my husband was talking to himself one day mumbling about them to me and he said something strange he said why they talk crap to my sisters when she meaning excowife gave him permission to practice polygamy.
    I mean really the dude is clueless! She never gave her permission for him to practice anything much less polygamy.The woman is against polygamy period the end and somehow he is just insane to think that any first wife is going to jump right up and say OK SURE go marry and give some other woman my place!
    Honestly men are complete idiots I now see and when they come on the blog confused as to why their wives don’t accept polygamy is just mind blowing to me.
    A woman would have to have a desire to pursue polygamy the same as man or else she can divorce him.Now in saying that most woman have children and a life with their husband so they think it is easier to just stay with him for financial reasons and make his life hell like he is making hers she feels.Kinda tit for tat u can say i suppose.The the men r shocked because their once loving wife has turned into a she devil! LOL
    Really I am shocked at men and how they approach Polygamy with their wives.I really believe the men that r called to Polygamy that they need to approach their wives and see if their wives r on the same page with them and talk together about how they will practice polygamy and for what halal reason they r doing Polygamy.
    As u know i think Polygamy an be great if done correctly but most of these men act like cavemen and say to their wife I am going to do it because it is my right not caring about their wife or children which is crazy i feel.
    I feel very strongly that if the wife is not lead to polygamy the same as the husband and she can not see the good in it then I think polygamy is not the solution for that family unless everyone agrees.Same thing if a husband has 2 wives and wants to add a third all should be agree or don’t do it since this is not something a man has to do in Islam.I guess i am saying there is a right way to do this and a wrong way and I think men should understand this.Does what I say line up with Islam I don’t know because everyone says it is a mans right but woman have rights to like divorce but divorce is so bad and polygamy is not compulsory so logically speaking a man should make sure his wife is 100% with him before he dives into polygamy I am thinking.

  • Gail

    August 7, 2015

    Musa,
    I want to chime in here and give u something to think about from a different perspective.First of all just how many wives do u have?2 wives is very different than having 3 or 4 wives.Everything is fine as far as Polygamy goes but if u love your first wife and u know for a fact that she is NOT going to accept Polygamy in any shape or form then why on earth would a man want to do that to his wife.Bottom line u did not care her feelings at the time so why on earth u r complaining she ripped u a new A$$ in front of the Imam and shamed u.Do u not think u shamed her when u gave zero consideration for her feelings on the topic of polygamy?
    I accept in Islam a man can marry up to 4 times ok fine but it never says to dismiss your wife and feelings and that u have to practice Polygamy.
    Look obviously an Islamic wife is going to sit and think when Polygamy enters her life she is going to say What The Crap!! My husband OBVIOUSLY does not love me anymore.Then she is going to flip out and start thinking about Islam and the Prophet Muhammad and say to herself well he loved his first wife and did not practice Polygamy when she was alive.Now I am not Muslim but for sure that would be my thought on that topic straight up and that would make me want to slit your throat to be frank.
    I get where it states in Islam it is ok for a man to practice polygamy but it does not state anywhere that u have to do it and it sure does not state u have to be a Horses A$$ to do it understand.Now in saying that u might not think u r being a Horses A$$ but obviously your wife differs in opinion and if u love your wife u would value her opinion and thoughts to make her understand where u r coming from.Besides why do u exactly want to practice Polygamy anyway?These are questions couples should be asking themselves before a husband just ups and jumps off the cliff into polygamy.Obviously men jump thinking their wives would be there to catch them but guess what more often than not that sweet wife u married would love nothing more than to not catch u and let your A$$ crash and burn understand and again I believe it has to do with the man and how he approaches polygamy with his wife or wives in my opinion.Do to culture pressure of todays modern world Polygamy is just not acceptable and woman do not want to accept it straight up! So it is for the husband to explain why he feels polygamy is the best option for their family unit.

  • ummof4

    August 7, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Brother Musa, thank you for your post. It is always good to hear from our brothers in Islaam. I will make du’ah that the wife you married first becomes more obedient to Allah and does not fight you on what Allah has made halal. Make sure that you are fulfilling the rights of both of your wives.

    I also know many imams who will not marry people into a polygynous marriage in the United States. They are afraid of breaking the law of the United States that is against the law of Islaam. Many are afraid that if they are found out then they will be deported back to their home country. I have found that imams that are born and raised in the United States are more willing to perform polygynous marriages because they cannot be deported and it is highly unlikely that they will be arrested for doing so.

    Jum’uah Mubarak to all. May Allah accept all of our salah and du’ah on this blessed day.

  • Musa

    August 7, 2015

    Asa sister I’m glad to read this article , yes I have been in the middle of this and admit my wrongs. I love my wives but I think the first wife thing can be a total disaster if she is not with polygamy it ruins everything the whole marriage … You can’t be a muslim man let alone Deen for the pleasure of Allah, if could do it all again I would not haveafe that mistake. I should have waited for a sister who was with it totally. I feel cheated myself by falling for the thinking she would be ok with it but it was all fake. I really hurt behind this everyday but this whole Ramadhan I made special for our sisters who think this the proper way to live as a muslim woman… When the get to that part in Islam they turn into a different person and it hurts the other sisters who are acceptors if this beatiful life Muhammad saw lived to the T . But that’s what we have to do make strong Duah to remove this false insight to refuse what Allah has ordained for a positive reason. My wife took me to the imam and threaten divorce on me because of polygamy I mean made me look real bad while I was sick out of work, she made herself look so good and put the others down including me I was so heTed and shamed , but imam told her I don’t marry polygamous marriages in the USA but he don’t have the power to go against Allah, the sister was not truly pleased she wanted him to rip me a new one and tell me to divorce my wives. In the meAn time he said don’t hide the marriage I said I don’t have really a choice if I want to continue being with her. But I m back to work alhumdulila, but I tell you sisters are not pleased with polygamy. I thNk Allah for my wives who support me . The first one doesn’t she’s to bossy and evil when it comes to my peace … Hey I’m sorry I love muslim only desire muslim and promise to only be with muslim women no matter if it’s a million silly sisters like my one wife,, I pray she change soon for the Fear of Allah not me…

  • Gail

    August 7, 2015

    Ruqayyah,

    Your ideal of Polygamy is the same as mine.It is a hard to live with a cowife I won’t lie but for my family I felt it was the only way since I was raising my cowife’s children.She on the other hand just wanted my husband to divorce me so she could be queen Bee so problems came in.She never was going to accept my marriage I figured out after so my advice is if u r going to live polygamy as a joint family unit make darn sure before he marries u woman talk and make certain the potential wife is of the same mental clarity and mind and sees a future in living joint family otherwise it will never work.hope this helps.I love that u like the idea of joint family and both wives raising the children together.Awesome!!

  • Gail

    August 7, 2015

    Marie,
    Congrats on your new baby girl I just saw your post.I hope u and the baby r doing well.

  • anabellah

    August 5, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    You see the progress you’ve made, and you’re still making an effort. It’s what we all need to do. We need to self-analyze so we know exactly what we need work on and get busy working on it. I find myself getting very frustrated with people in my daily travels when I’m out and about. People in general are very annoying. Most are so unhappy and miserable. They don’t try to hide it. I can’t imagine living my life the way they do. I expect people to be a certain way. I have to get out of that habit and see people for the way Allah says they will be and how they are. It’s one of the things I’m working on with me.

    It’s good you have an idea of how you’d like to move forward in a polygamous life, if your husband does marry again. It wonderful that you and he can communicate about it, and are continually making progress. He has to see the tremendous change in you for the better. Alhumdulliah.

  • Ruqayyah

    August 5, 2015

    Even though it didnt last long I see my husband has a.lot of respect for his ex wife in how she handled hardship she would stand by him and just be grateful for what he gave her. Although she should have respectfully voices her discontent. It taught me a lot in how men like to be treated. They dont want to be forced to do anything but rather will want to do it naturally for a woman who is patient when things are tough.. it all depends on whats important to you, sometimes we need to get through the rough stuff in order to get to a good point.

    @Ana, I have given many excuses to my husband as to why he just cannot marry again. We dont have a house, now we have one. We haven’t had a holiday, we had 3 now. We don’t have a baby, well we’re trying at least. He has done his best to keep up with my demands no matter how unreasonable and silly they are… sooo yeah, I have been very lucky in that regard so I need to strive hard not to be ungrateful. I do have moments of weakness where I think too much or I get too upset but I try hard to get over it and focus on what I do have.

    @Gail, yeah he doesn’t lie to the other women. Even when snooping I found messages to a woman he was trying to marry (way back when) and he was telling her how he had a strong happy marriage and she was not a replacement but rather an addition to his family. Our goal has since been a bit strengthened now I feel less afraid of polygamy and more able to be open, we hope for 1 family. Living close by or together with the wives helping raise the kids… who knows if it will happen but that would be a nice situation if it did happen.

  • Ruqayyah

    August 5, 2015

    @Jasmina, one thing I’ve learnt is that men cannot cope with women who are not happy with them. Instead of self reflection they tend to blame the woman, its her fault she is unhappy, if she’d only be happy then the marriage would be good. Funnily enough when we start to be happy and grateful for his being in our life the changes we needed all along tend to happen. I don’t understand the reason why but I find it works. The only times my husband has said mean and nasty things is when he feels I am unhappy with him or not grateful for what he does. When I thank him for all the little things he tends to strive to do more.. of course we will be unhappy and disappointed sometimes and need not be afraid to show it as it is good to communicate with him. It only becomes a problem when we get stuck in the feeling of being upset, he may have originally attempted many times to make you happy but has “given up” he still loves you which is why sometimes you feel its back to the “old days” because maybe those days you are a little happier and he feels he has his wife back.
    Jasmina you need to forgive him and if you can’t you need to fake it till you make it, no one wants to come home to an angry and bitter spouse each day it will wear him down. I’m not saying youre the problem but you hold the key to the solution inshaAllah. I too find I have trouble forgiving. Every day I wake up with a heavy heart and I feel upset with how he has handled things in the past, but my trick is to make a quick duaa for Allah to remove this feeling and to make my husband stronger then I go about my day as if nothing is wrong. I trust it will happen in time where I won’t feel this way anymore. Of course you’ll have some off days and its okay to feel sad sometimes but the key is to bounce back. you can get there sis, you just need to keep trying even though its hard.

  • anabellah

    August 5, 2015

    @jasmina,

    I’m glad you’re back with us. Thank you very much for the clarifications. It was very helpful. I’m sorry I misunderstood.

    I think one of the thing you spoke of you can’t do very much about. You said you feel your husband no longer loves you and he shows it. Every wife wants to feel loved by her husband, and wants to believe her husband loves her. Unfortunately, we can’t control another person’s heart, as I’m sure you know.

    Allah controls the heart. He places love and affection in it. Women have to learn to accept whatever it is (the love in the husband’s heart), if they remain in the marriage. Probably the men, the same as the women, would love for their feelings for each other and the marriage to always be blissful and they remain happy. Usually relationships always change. They change sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. It really is life. You are fortunate in that there are times when things feel as they used to between you and him. Be grateful for it.

    I’m learning a lot about some of these mother-in-laws, as well. People are amazing. Well, at least you know where you stand with yours.

    About all the slander and backbiting that went on, try not to worry about it. Put it behind you. Allah sees and knows all things. Those people didn’t get away with what they did. They will have to account to Allah for all that they did. Hopefully, if the people are Muslim who did it, they will repent and Allah will forgive them and have Mercy on them. They didn’t hurt you; they hurt themselves in what they did. They ruined their own souls.

    jasmina, you have to stop dwelling on what happened in the past. It’s over and you have to leave it there, if you want to move on to a happy place with your husband. You can’t keep revisiting it as it only holds you back. When you keep looking backwards you can’t see what’s in front of you. You stumble and fall and keep hurting yourself. Let it go. Think about what you could do to move forward and get to a good place in your life. When your husband sees that you have forgiven him for the way he treated you and that you are happy, he will most likely feel better about being with you. You have to make a change in you. You begin by making your life about Allah. You shouldn’t expect much good in life, if you don’t get yourself right with Allah. Know what is most important in life – it’s Allah.

  • jasmina

    August 5, 2015

    To make it clear, I am no longer a secret wife. The second time we married, it was in the open and everyone including his other wife was aware, in fact her and I meet up with my husband and the kids about twice a month or so. He provides etc. My pain is in coming back to someone whom I feel that no longer loves me and shows it. Yes Gail I think you may be right he may have married me again just for our son but then i don’t know coz every so often it’s like the old days and he shows so much care and concern for me that I get confused.

    Also we did not have 3 talaks. Only 1 so our marriage is very much halal.

    ummof4 Yes well I not for one moment doubted that he would stand up for me. I was so blinded and stupid. Him and I were engaged for 7 years and knew eachother for 10 years before we married. We met in junior high and we planned our marriage for all those year. His mother knew of us and her and I were best friends. I never thought she would not accept our marriage. It was a shock to learn this after 10 years. I was young and stupid.

    Mari2 I am sorry you are facing such a similar situation. I wish I had your kind of mindset back then when he first left me. I was pregnant so I wasn’t thinking straight but then again I’m not pregnant now and still not thinking straight. I agree with you Ana. you know I did feel betrayed and oppressed in our first marriage because I didn’t realise that being a secret back then meant losing my rights (silly me) you are all probably right that it was all Islamic and I have no right to claim anything from Allah regarding being oppressed. However all backbiting against me, all the rumours I dealt with and his disowning and abandonment of our child when i was pregnant which people accused me of being sleeping around as they never saw a husband can’t be too good. anyhow that is all in the past now. I have moved on from that, well I try because deep down it still hurts. Maybe I should move on.

  • anabellah

    August 5, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I mentioned a number of times how nice it is to have leverage. You’ve found yours – they could possibly be penniless without you It’s nice to have the upper hand

  • Mari2

    August 4, 2015

    Lol Ana…I get tired of people too. I just thank Allah that I don’t require my children to support me then tell them how to live their own lives. With out M she is penniless, his loafer brothers are penniless, his sister is penniless, 2 is penniless. M works hard to support them and I help in that. He knows that. They don’t get it. So meh to them. Let him go back and be penniless too. No skin off my nose. They can keep their culture.

  • anabellah

    August 4, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I get what you’re saying. You have a very good attitude. Why argue and fight with him about anything? What is going to be will be. Do the best you can do and what you know is right. Everything else will fall into place. Your mother-in-law has got some balls on her. Where do people get off doing some of the things they do? I get tired of dealing with people. Most of them are so jacked up. They make me sick…

  • Mari2

    August 4, 2015

    Jasmina,
    I agree that if you put Allah first you will begin to care less about how involved your husband is with you. Pray to Allah to bring you peace of mind. You may discover you have the strength to cut him loose.
    I was a secret, them my husband married his mother’s choice. Then 2 and her family found out about me. Now he’s under pressure to be rid of me. My MIL lives with us and while she partakes of my hospitality she urges him to be rid of me. She told him the other day to buy her and him tickets so they can return to Pakistan and stay. And surprisingly enough I was meh about it when he told me. I just said to go home if he wants. Sometimes stuff just isn’t worth the fight. I have the support of Allah. I don’t need the cultural crap in my life.

  • ummof4

    August 3, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Jasmina, I don’t believe you were abused. It sounds like you agreed to be a secret, hoping and praying that it would be short-lived. Hoping and praying that your husband loved you so much that he would stand up to his family and shout to the world, “I love Jasmina, and I don’t care what anybody says, I’m not giving her up!”
    Unfortunately that didn’t happen and he divorced you. If he comes from a culture that views divorced women as “damaged goods”, he probably believes that he did you a favor by remarrying you, and you should be grateful that he spends any time with you and spends any money on you.

    Now is the time, if you are Muslim, to start to concentrate on obeying and loving Allah as Allah has commanded us to do. Put the focus on the relationship you have with Allah, Our Creator, and lessen the focus on your husband. If this is done with regularity and sincerity, Allah will bless you with the clarity to know what is best for you to do.

    May Allah bless us all with wisdom.

  • anabellah

    August 3, 2015

    @Marie,

    How wonderful-a new baby girl!!! Alhumdulliah. Bouncing for joy I thought it was about that time. I’m sure she’s beautiful…

  • Marie

    August 3, 2015

    We are well thank you Ana, I delivered a healthy baby girl 5 days ago. Marsha’Allah.

    I’d have to go back and re read what Jasmina wrote but I think they remarried 3 years later and if it was within the iddat period their is no need for a “remarrage” the couple just need to have sex. Maybe Jasmina can fill us in Insha’allah

  • anabellah

    August 3, 2015

    @Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    It’s good to hear from you. I was wondering where you’ve been. I pray you and your family are well. Did you deliver the little one yet?

    Marie, I may have missed something in Jasmina’s post. I think he divorced her only once. Even if he divorced her twice and they reconciled before the Idaat (waiting period) was up they could remain together. Divorce is permissible twice. If he divorced her a second time and they didn’t get back together before the end of the idaat period, she’d have to marry someone else and he must have divorced her or died before she could marry the 1st husband again.

  • Marie

    August 3, 2015

    Hey Jasmina, welcome to the blog.

    I’d have to agree with and Gail. You could stay in the marriage and accept who he is and the situation or you could leave him.

    One thing that stood out from what you wrote is, you said he divorced you islamicaly and after some time you remarried. Unless you married someone else, consummated that marriage and divorced islamicaly your current marriage isn’t valid. It could explain why things aren’t working out and you feel $hitty. If this is the case then I advise you to tell him not to come back as you would both be wronging yourselves and living in sin. There would be no need to ask for divorce as there is no valid marriage contract.

  • Gail

    August 3, 2015

    Jasmina,
    I think if u r still unhappy even after remarriage just divorce and move on.U will find love again.Think on it there is no shame in making a mistake or mistakes just fix it not a big deal.I personally think he wants to keep u because u r the mother of his child but because of all the families negative influence and his responsibilities with the other wife u have just become a nonissue and very low priority in his life.I don’t mean that in a negative way but more factual.
    Since he is interlinked with his family this is not going to ever be your personal ideal marriage understand.
    If u want to stay and make it work then u will have to deal with the facts of the situation and face the truth which i think u have kinda already done that and don’t like what u see if i am not mistaken.
    Polygamy is hard enough out in the open but when u compound it with being a secret wife it gets old really fast.

  • Gail

    August 3, 2015

    Ruqayyah,

    I think since u have given your permission in your case it is fine as long as the other wife is not left in the dark about u.
    Now in saying that I do not at all advocate being lied to or kept in the dark as was my case and I became very bitter about even to this day.
    Honestly I am seeing most of the men that get into polygamy are very immature and doing out of their own personal sexual lust.
    Don’t get me wrong I am for polygamy as long as it is family orientated and is productive for everyone involved.I hope if he does again everything will work out ok for u

  • anabellah

    August 2, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    You could be setting yourself up for something to be more than what it will be. I know of a case in which the sister-in-faith thought she’d be a wreck on the day and night of her husband’s marriage. She prayed to Allah to let her except it and get through it. Sure enough, He came through for her. Once the routine began, it wasn’t all that easy, but getting through the day of and the first few was easy for her. It may end up being a piece of cake for you, as well. Try to get in the habit of not overthinking everything.

    I get that you don’t want to know that he will marry her until after it happens. It would be asking an awful lot to ask her to give up her wedding night and the few or how many other nights she should get afterwards. You have a good attitude and know we can’t always get what we want.

  • Ruqayyah

    August 2, 2015

    I would prefer my life goes on as normal (so he’d be home each day) until he is ready to tell me, which is why he’d need her to agree. But I get we can’t always get what we want so if she is not happy to agree to that he’ll more than likely tell me before they get married. This is another reason why I wish the other marriage had not ended, I do not want to go through the whole wedding night and honeymoon etc. I wish I could just sleep through it all.
    Jasmina, I’m sorry I have no advice but I hope it is rectified soon!

  • anabellah

    August 2, 2015

    @Jasmina,

    Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying there is nothing you could do about the situation that you are in. You are not happy with your situation. You have let him know it. He should not just leave you dangling and hanging the way he does unless you agree to it. You could come to a friendly agreement just so you could remain in the marriage because you love him OR you could let him know you want out of the marriage, and ask him to divorce you.

  • anabellah

    August 2, 2015

    @Jasmina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I know you are very upset and in a lot of pain. It’s understandable. Sometimes it helps just to talk about some of our issues, as you have done. I will give you my thoughts on your situation based on what you have shared with us.

    I don’t think your husband has wronged you from an Islamic perspective. He let you know that you’d have to be a “secret”, as his family had arranged for him to marry someone else. He let you know they wouldn’t accept you. You accepted it on the presumption that he would eventually begin to share time and wealth with you equally after they learn about you.

    You stated he said he’d let them know about you later when they’d not be able to do anything about it. He did as he said and let them know about you, but their reaction wasn’t as he expected. He called it wrong. There was something they were able to do about it and they got him to divorce you. He can’t be blamed for it, as divorce is our right in Islam.

    You remarried him knowing what the situation was. You need to take responsibility for remarrying him with his track record with you. It’s okay to have hope that things will get better, but it was really wishful thinking.

    I understand how you feel about having been a “secret”. I suppose she and her family don’t know you have remarried him, which is why he doesn’t spend equal nights with you. Again, you agreed to the situation. You followed your heart.

    Is he a nice person? Did he wrong you from an Islamic perspective? I think he’s been very honest with you, for the most part.

    You walked into the situation with your eyes wide open. The marriage ended. You went back into the marriage (remarried) with your eyes wide open. You could sit and blame him for how sh!tty your life is, but you have to see how you play a part in it, as well.

    So, where do you go from here?

    @Everyone out there in Cyberspace,

    Do anyone else have any thoughts about Jasmina’s situation.

  • jasmina

    August 2, 2015

    Sallam alaykum

    I really like this post, it’s all so true. My husband married me first in secret because his parents didn’t want me, they wanted him to marry a girl from his own culture. Anyhow he later did marry the girl his mother chose for him but he told me he wasn’t going to live with her, he would be ‘engaged’ until our marriage is open as he wants to be fair to both wives and in a matter of months he would reveal to his parents our marriage and there would be nothing they could do by then. He did live with her and went on a honeymoon and had a huge wedding party. He didn’t live with me, he saw me a few hours a week sometimes a month even though I demanded my full time. anyhow after a lot of tears and heartache and depression he abandoned me when I was pregnant after his other wife and her family found out and I think it became too much, they put too much pressure on him i think. It was the Sh***est time of my life. Worst feel ever of rejection and betrayal. I was in full despair and very angry. I didnt try to reconcile as I was too bitter, I do regret that. Anyhow after 3 years we reconciled and remarried. Frankly I sometimes don’t know why I did it and wonder if love really is enough when 70% of the time it seems so one sided. He is really good now dividing his time and money fairly, well as far as I know, because who knows really. Well he is rarely home and never takes, twice in 7 months, it’s something i guess. He never not once has told me he loves me since we remarried, he does not compromise to make me happy, like I couldn’t get a honeymoon or wedding like I wanted or little things like get home early so we can hang out. I have to conform myself to the 30% he is good and deal with an unloving husband the other 70%. It stinks, the whole situation stinks and I feel like a fool for agreeing to it from the start and for taking him back after all he did yet BELIEVES he did nothing wrong because he warned me before we married that it would be difficult and so because of that I apparently agreed to any type of treatment to come and henceforth he did nothing unislamic, and he divorced me islamically and there is nothing wrong with divorcing your wife and so he believes I should be grateful he even came back for me. It is degrading as the other lady said, it’s the worst feeling to do something against your values and further to be treated so poorly and accept it and then far worse to go back to that kind of person out of ‘love’. I deal with shame all the time, i feel ashamed of myself.

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with the way you’d like it done. In such a case there is no victim. You said you don’t want to know until after the fact. It doesn’t hurt the other wife either unless she’s not getting her rights with regard nights with her husband. I, on the other hand would like to know what my husband is doing (beforehand) and who he’s doing it with. I think many times the husband keeps the wife that he married second a secret as he knows the wife that he married first won’t accept polygamy and he fears losing her. The other wife doesn’t want to be some dirty little secret (which I don’t blame her), but it is forced on her. It goes against what polygamy is about. It takes polygamy to the unbeliever’s level and cheapens it.

  • Ruqayyah

    August 1, 2015

    I agree, ywt I think it depends on the level of the secret. I was kind of glad I got to bypass the wedding, 1st night together etc. I was blissfully unaware and by the time I foundout I HAD to accept because how could I make him leave her when she had given her heart to him already… if course I didn’t know they were leaving each other but that’s what went thrugh my head when I 1st found out was I better not cause issues because she is his wife just as much as me and Im sure she is invested in their marriage as well…
    The other wife was understanding and while she asked him to tell me she tried not to push it, I wish she had gotten her rights but she knew they would come in time if she hung around long enough.
    Next time I’ve asked him to do it the same way, if the other wife agrees. I’ve agreed to give my permission in writing or speak to the sheikh who will marry them before he searches BUT I would rather not know details until after the fact. It makes me too emotional and I lash out a lot. So for now its best, once he decides he is going to marry her or he has married her he can tell me and I’d be happy to meet or whatever if she is comfortable wth that. If she agrees for a while I have asked him to keep it a secret but I understand that it may not happen, and its between them 2 what they can hande in their own marriage.
    Long term secret marriages I can’t stand by, even when the wife originally agreed it begins eventually to take its toll on her. Its not fair that she is not recognised by his family, her kids don’t know their grandparents etc. A lot of the time women forget to tae the long term effects into account when we agree to something..

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2015

    Many people think of idols as being statues. They don’t know that a person can idolize another person, as well. It is where they disobey Allah to please their wives or parents. An Ayah all Muslims should recall is Surah 29, Ayah 25 of the Holy Quran:

    “And he said: “For you, ye have taken (for worship) idols besides Allah, out of mutual love and regard between yourselves in this life; but on the Day of Judgment ye shall disown each other and curse each other: and your abode will be the Fire, and ye shall have none to help.”

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2015

    To Everyone,

    I wrote the post/thread hurriedly as my bed was calling me LOL. I wanted to go climb in. I have now gone back to the main post, and corrected some minor error, but didn’t change the content.

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2015

    Lynette – it is a name from the past. Smile. It’s good to know you are still with us reading and I’m very happy you’ve commented. Thank you very much for sharing your views on the subject matter. I appreciate it.

    I like that you mentioned the word “Shirk”. It is a word that we can’t be mentioned enough. Muslims commit shirk all the time without realizing it and shirk is a serious sin.

    I especially like what you said when you stated, “When we as humans become so arrogant as to believe that we can transgress all bounds without consequences, and that we can sin against one another without fear of Judgment, we have partnered ourselves with Allah (swt). So foolish! So vain!”

    Many Muslims have no regard for Allah. They don’t fear His wrath. They don’t believe in His punishment and His punishment is severe.

  • Lynnette

    August 1, 2015

    As salamu Alaikum, All….

    (Yes, I am still an avid reader of the posts! Inshallah, I will catch up on the comments!)

    Sister Ana is absolutely correct in that a man who wrongs his wife has made someone other than Allah (subhana wa’talah) into his God. But to suggest that the parents, or another wife have been so “elevated” means that we have overlooked the obvious suspect — the man himself.

    When we as humans become so arrogant as to believe that we can transgress all bounds without consequences, and that we can sin against one another without fear of Judgment, we have partnered ourselves with Allah (swt). So foolish! So vain! To place our own wants ahead of the needs of another soul, and to think that Allah (swt) will not balance all accounts on the Last Day is living a life of shirk.

    I’m not willing to let someone off so easily as to say they are pleasing parents, or another wife. That allows for an avenue for blame-transference. Place the blame where it belongs, I say.

    Peace and love to each of you….