Some Women Blame Polygamy

some women blame polygamy

Some women blame polygamy for keeping them from the worship of Allah. A few here at Polygamy 411 have said it. They think it would be best for them to leave the polygamous marriage, so they could serve Allah better. It makes no sense to me. What do they mean?

I think polygamy is either a blessing or a curse for each person in it. Only Allah knows. If polygamy is a curse for the woman, Allah could be punishing her in the polygamous marriage. What makes her think she can escape Allah’s punishment? If Allah has placed the woman in the marriage as a blessing, it could be a test for her. One either passes or fails a test. Does one have a choice to not take the test? If one intends not to take the test, isn’t it failure?

When some women blame polygamy for them not being able to worship Allah, do they reject Allah?

If a woman says she can’t worship Allah while in a polygamous marriage, she rejects Allah. Allah commands us to worship Him even when it’s difficult.

Maybe she is angry at Allah. She may think He is at fault in that He permits polygamy for men. It’s as though she rebels against Allah for it.

It seems the woman says, as long as she is in an unhappy marriage, she will not serve Allah. Being angry at her husband shouldn’t stop her from serving Allah. Being angry at Allah would.

Some women blame polygamy by saying they can’t serve Allah, so they’d have a reason to leave the marriage

They want an easy way out of their marriage. The woman doesn’t want to look like a bad person who is unhappy with Islam. She may think that if she says she can’t worship Allah while in a polygamous marriage, it is an excuse that no one would challenge.

When women blame polygamy by saying it is getting in the way of them being dutiful to Allah, they may expect others to tell them to get out of it. They expect to get support from all who they give the excuse to.

It makes no sense when some women blame polygamy for interfering with their worship of Allah

Adversity should bring a Muslim closer to Allah, not away from Him. It is a means to humble a person, and have her turn to Allah in prayer and remembrance of Him. If the woman turns away from Allah, she was probably not close to Allah to begin with. Allah says seek His help with patient perseverance and prayer.

If a woman can’t serve Allah when she is in a difficult situation, then she has a problem that is huge. She can only serve Him when things are easy? It is conditional worship. Does she think she can choose when and how she will worship Allah?

This post is to get a woman to think about what she says before she says it. What does it really mean when she says she doesn’t want to stay in the polygamous marriage, as it takes her away from Allah? It may say more about her than she realizes.

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30 Comments

  • anabellah

    August 17, 2015

    It’s okay. There are so many newbies here, I can’t keep them all straight in my head any longer LOL. I can’t remember who the person was with the online guy she’s in love with. I’m on my cell phone now, so I can’t easily look her up. Lol

  • Gail

    August 17, 2015

    oops I think I mixed heart up with one of the other ladies in one of my post.I was thinking heart was the lady mixing up with the man on the pakistani man on the computer but she is the one waiting on a response to be a second wife.Sorry about that it has been a long day! lol

  • Heart

    August 16, 2015

    @ Gail

    I can see that he is thinking about all these things. I also know that he is looking for long term.

    He hasnt discussed it as yet with her. We are still in the phase of discussion. I will definitely ask him these questions.

    Financially he is seperate and im sure will be able to take care of me well. He did tell me he needs the time to work these things out.

    I agree it will really be heartsore to me, for him to marry me and then reject me with divorce because she throws her toys around.

    I guess he will have to give me clarity completely on those issues

  • Heart

    August 16, 2015

    @ Ana

    I agree completely. I will sit my dad to draw up the contract when I know better.

    You really make great points.

  • Gail

    August 16, 2015

    Heart,
    I think it is an excellent idea to ask your intended how he is going to handle his first wife when he tells her he is planning to marry u.He needs to have a a solid plan and one that he knows is going to work because after all u don’t want to get married and then she up and start screaming divorce and put him in a position to where he goes mental and looses control.He must think how he is going to handle this for the long term.
    I am curious has he talked to his first wife that he is even considering marriage with u?
    Seriously though I would say in your situation if I were u I would want to know if he decides to marry u that he is in it for the long haul and will not bail out on u if his first wife threatens divorce or begins to make his life a living hell.
    Understand also with first wives it is not just emotions they r dealing with but financial issues as well.They have children and they do not want to split anything with another wife which is very logical reasoning.I know for me I refused to half anything with my cowife.I told her I would give her an allowance but she demanded she be in charge of the money then I told her to go take a flying leap.In my case my husband and I own a business and I am raising her 2 children plus my own.My husband and my money is tied in together in our case and he don’t make his own separate money so it was a huge issue for me.
    I did tell hubby to give her one house but he said no those r for the kids future.I did not pressure him.
    You may have already thought of all this already but I thought it was worth mentioning.

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2015

    @Heart,

    The reason I don’t say get a wali is because the process has already been tainted. A wali is for when a woman and man want to meet each other to see if they like the face. The wali of the woman would meet with the male and his family to check out their finances, hopefully his level of faith, as well etc. You already know all of it, as you’ve been dealing with this man for years.

    Were you to get a wali who were to tell you that the man is not good for you and you shouldn’t marry him, you’d tell him to go fly a kite. It’s too late for that. You know you could love this man, if you don’t already. You know who you want and he is all you want at this time.

    Now, if this doesn’t work out and you need to move on, you may want to consider a wali to seek out someone for you. As it stands now, a wali for you would only be ceremonial. He’d has no purpose other than to say he represents you.

    If you have a male family member who is an adult MUSLIM, I’d suggest you sit with him to draw up the contract. He’d probably have a sincere interest in you. Some unknown, unconnected Muslim male otherwise most likely wouldn’t have that interest to insure you get a good, fair and just deal. The way the men are who are out here now, he may ensure your potential intended’s interest. You know what I’m saying?

    If he says yay and you proceed, don’t sell yourself short and don’t be greedy over the top. Reach a happy medium.

    If you and he agree to marry, his wife may go ape sh!t, as Gail stated. Don’t take it personally. It’s to be expected. You can’t be responsible for what she goes through. Allah allows polygamy and you would be doing nothing wrong by marrying the man. We all have to get ourselves right with our Lord (Allah) before it is too late.

    More power to the people I’m just in a silly mood right about now LOL

  • Heart

    August 16, 2015

    @ Ummof4

    At present I feel like I am my best representative.

    Being divorced I realised that sometimes others fail to see your best interest or ask pertinent questions.

    I am in the process of discussing everything and once he makes his decision, I will have an agreement signed in writing so that there are no misunderstandings.

    I did take sister Ana’s advice and have made it clear to him that I have no intentIon to commit adultery and will in no way accept anything above platonic and meeting at all. He accepts and agreed to that.

    I will have my father or brother travel here only if he agrees to marriage.

  • Heart

    August 16, 2015

    @ Gail

    ive thought a lot about how his wife may take it and that deterred me in the beginning and for a long time as I have no intention to hurt or cause harm to anyone.

    what really pushes me forward is how he is always there at my time of need consistently over a few years…his kindness and compassion…and the fact that at the end of the day he is the only person standing there time and time again.

    I can also clearly see that this is
    an intelligent man and quite emotionally strong. So I believe he will be as just as he can.

    Due to work i deal with men and women on a daily basis however if this man has to come into my presence…there is a calm that comes over me and I become sleepy…he brings me comfort.

    I have no doubt in my mind or heart and will not back down because of anything.

    I have taken this time to ask him many quetions and he is also asking me questions as i do not want to enter anything blindly and without clarity. He did raise the concern with me of whether I would leave as a result of any pressure or after nikkah. I will not.

    I spoke to this about my mother. ..and she advised me that a man is allowed to have four wives and that Is not my concern if his wife does not take it correctly.

    Gail after I got divorced years ago…I came to the realisation that im not a very jealous person, i lost some or most of my ability to be jealous which im grateful for and am actually naive about other people.

    im very introverted and I dont think I will beable to mix too much or be the best of friends. But if im confronted…I have only respect and good words otherwise silence.

    InshaAllah if all works out, i have no bad intentions..I will push him in the right direction, not hold him all to myself. I love my alone time too.

    Gail…Its been very very difficult being all alone for so long…I finally have the opportunity of a good husband and above all to love and be loved.

    Since im in the process of discussing and asking questions. I will ask him the very question of what will happen if his wife is an emotional mess and pressurises him otherwise.

  • Gail

    August 15, 2015

    Heart,
    Now I am not Muslim but I would say if u have been texting all these years then I don’t see a problem in it.After reading your story I am really excited to see how this story plays out.I will say don’t be shocked or hurt if his wife does not jump on the bandwagon.It is the hardest thing for a wife to go through it tears at your very soul for lack of a better word.I know when I found out about my cowife I became mentally and physically ill and just was a weeping mess.
    If he comes back to u and tells u his wife is a mental mess or screaming etc.. Don’t say anything is my advice and esp don’t say to call it off and u get all emotional.I am trying to say keep your emotions in check because chances are more than not his wife is going to have a complete melt down so just be prepared and don’t back down.U might tell him even that u can see ways Polygamy is a good thing and u don’t want to hurt his wife etc.. Just be prepared.I don’t know if u have thought about any of this yet or not.

  • Gail

    August 15, 2015

    Ana,
    Oh yeah now I remember Lynn and her story about the maid now that u mention it.

  • ummof4

    August 15, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Heart, as Ana advised, it’s okay to talk to a Muslim brother. It sounds as if it’s time for you to talk to your walee or wakil to represent you in marriage. It is necessary for a Muslim woman to have a representative for marriage, even if she was married before. This prevents lots of problems like fornication and adultery. It also protects the reputation of the woman and the man.

    You said you have no family nearby, so you may have to ask the male that is your representative to appoint someone else that lives in your area.

    May Allah grant you and all of us success in this life and the next.

  • anabellah

    August 15, 2015

    @Heart,

    Thank you for sharing about the name of Allah and the benefit of zhikering it. I believe in the benefits of Zhikering Allah’s names. I’m most appreciative.

  • Heart

    August 15, 2015

    @Ana

    Thank You. Ameen.

    Something just came to my mind. In regard to your article on a women increasing her love for Allah, I was reading up on one of Allahs names today Al Muakkhair ( the delayer), one who reads this name constantly, the love of Allah is increased in a persons heart.

  • Heart

    August 15, 2015

    @ Ana

    thank you. That advice is priceless. Its actually what was troubling me a lot.

  • anabellah

    August 15, 2015

    @Heart,

    I just read your story and it literally made me cry It’s just soooo beautiful. I pray He accepts your offer, if it is good for you

  • Heart

    August 15, 2015

    @ Gail

    will definitely keep yourll updated.

    This is not something I thought I would ever be doing but Allah knows best.

    Gail Its almost as if any step I take in any direction leads me to this man.

    I met him under strangest conditions.
    I have no family where i am and am literally alone. A few years ago I rented an apartment from him, got very sick, I was falling asleep all the time and had to leave work.

    He came one day to check something and after I explained to him my situation. He actually did not charge me rental, he actually nursed me back to normal health and was the type of person who never asked me anything in return or was a day forward or had the wrong intentions.

    since then he made it a habit to look out for me and never expects anything in return…people like that are far and few.

    Over the years…ive tried and tried and I just cant find anyone who im interested in getting married to.

    when I finally thought about it, I realised that this man is there for me at every fall, is pious and has excellent character, what more could I ask for.

    Gail, my heart tells me this man is right for me.

    Thank you, I really pray it all works out, InshaAllah

  • anabellah

    August 15, 2015

    @Heart,

    You sound like you’re content and at ease. Alhumdulliah. I like the way you think. I think you’re going to be okay.

    I don’t think it’s necessary for you to tell him not to contact you via phone or messaging to see how you are unless you’d prefer not to hear from him. If you prefer not to hear from him, as it’s too difficult on you, until he makes his intent, then it’s okay too. He is your brother-in-faith. There is no reason he can’t contact his sister-in-faith to see how she is doing. I suggest you keep the conversations strictly platonic and cordial as he is married and Allah says don’t come nigh to adultery. Let him know that you could only continue to communicate with him that way.

  • Heart

    August 15, 2015

    @ Ana

    I really appreciate the advice. Ive read a few articles and agree completely nothing belongs to us, Not even our children. Everyone belongs to Allah.

    on that note, ive decided not to worry at all and to invest my love in Allah and to keep my mind busy with exercise and work.

    As a woman and alone, I fully understand why Allah allows polygamy, and its actually to womans advantage.

    A problem that I have is that he contacts me everyday via messaging and telephone to find out how I am. The problem I face is do I tell this man not to contact me at all until he has made his decision?

  • anabellah

    August 14, 2015

    @Gail,

    I just need to mention one word for you to recall who Lynn is – “maid”. Her husband was the one who married the maid. The maid got all funky with Lynn once she married Lynn’s husband. She made sure to let Lynn know that she was a wife now, and wouldn’t take orders from Lynn. It’s difficult when a husband married another woman, BUT it’s probably ten times worse when a husband marries someone who was under her employ and she trusted. There is no way a woman couldn’t feel betrayed after something like it happens. Lynn had taken the maid under her wings and treated her as a friend. If I recall correctly the maid used to pray with Lynn and their husband. Instead of the maid just taking care of the house and the children, she took care of the husband too. The maid had a child by him once she married.

    Fatima stopped in not long ago. She said she’s doing very well and is very busy. She and her husband have quite a few stores now. Last I heard, the brother-in-law was busy with one of their stores and has his own apt. I wonder if he’s still here.

  • Gail

    August 14, 2015

    Heart,
    Hi I am Gail your story sounds interesting keep us up to date ok! I hope everying thing works out for you.

  • Gail

    August 14, 2015

    Lynn,
    How r u doing these days? I hope u come back and report how life is going with u.

    Ana for some reason and only G.D knows why I can not for the life of me remember all lynn’s story.I think I remember her husband being involved in some crazy arms dealing or something I am not even for sure about that.Oh I think she is a teacher.Would be grateful if u could fill me in.
    I always wonder what happened to Fatima and if her life is going well these days.

  • anabellah

    August 14, 2015

    @Heart, Wa Alaikum As Salaam. Welcome! 🙂

    It’s nice having you here with us. I understand your fear of the unknown – not knowing whether he’ll come back to you and say yay or nay to your proposal. It’s sounds you’ve given the matter (a polygamous marriage) a lot of thought, and have an idea of some of the problems you may face, if he marries you.

    I suggest you try not to worry about anything, and ask Allah to give you patience as you wait for the man to give you an answer. It sounds to me that he wanted time to discuss the matter with his wife. He wants to give her some time to digest the idea and give her input. You know that it will be difficult for her to come to terms with what may be her fate. Perhaps she is close to Allah, and will be willing to accept a polygamous marriage for her husband, she and you.

    I would advise you not become a secret wife under any condition or circumstance. If you marry him, do it right. Refuse to allow him to hide you. He sounds to be an upstanding, good guy. I see how you’d want to marry him. Take one step at a time. As you said, if Allah has not decreed for this man to be your husband, He will send you someone else who is just as good or better, if it’s His Will. Stay optimistic and know that Allah knows what is best for you.

  • Heart

    August 14, 2015

    Assalamu Alaikum

    I divorced 8 years ago and have been single since then and I live alone with my daughter.

    I tried and could not find any suitable partners. At my time of need, a married gentlement was always at my aid only by Allahs will.

    its been a few years that I have known this man and i really like him and could clearly see that he would make a good husband as he has a good character and piety.

    I suggested to him that he marries me as a second wife and he requested that I give him till a certain date to think about it.

    On the other end I donot want to hurt anyone or cause him to have a divorce.

    I also donot know how I will react or what to expect as my previous monogamous relationship was broken up by jealous family members.

    I find myself very confused and also fearful at the same time that he will not accept.

    at present im researching as much as possible on the topic…I need to understand.

    However I also appreciate that at the end of the day its not very different from any other marriage provided the husband has boundaries and is emotionally intelligent.

    I have fear for the day he tells her and what will happen…im also afraid that he will reject me…I believe that I also feel that way coz he asked for three months to decide and that leaves me waiting.

    On the other I fully realise that everything will work out as Allah decrees and that if he does not accept. ..Allah will send someone else my way.

    I guess I find it difficult as I donot know what to expect.

  • anabellah

    August 13, 2015

    @Lynn, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Hey you. I’m so happy you’re back. I wondered what happened to you. You showed up after a looooong absents. You then dropped out of sight again. I thought maybe I had said something to offend you. I’m awfully sorry, if I did. What’s important is you’re back.

    No pressure. Chat when you can. You were with us from the early onset of the blog, which makes you special. Our dear Gail is the next who has been with us the longest. I can’t imagine the blog without her.

    I can’t say enough how much I love your baby face (avatar). It’s the cutest, most adorable little thing.

    I’m glad you’re surviving, Sis. It’s the survival of the fittest.

  • Lynn

    August 13, 2015

    Assalammualaikum Ana and everyone here 🙂

    Just to update I am still surviving Alhamdulillah. Will chat more later 🙂

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2015

    I think people like “MA Islam” must be cursed. It’s not polygamy that is a curse. Anyone who doesn’t like something and spend their precious time talking about it instead of getting busy with what they do like has to be cursed. A sensible person would spend his or her time talking about what they like, what makes them feel good and happy. It’s the craziest thing to me. SMH… It’s bizarre.

  • ummof4

    August 10, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    MA Islam, because of your name I assume you are a Muslim, maybe not. If you are a Muslim, you have a right to be wrong about your way of life, Islam. If you are not a Muslim, okay.
    My only advice to you is to be careful with the words you use, particularly when you are talking about something that Allah has permitted mankind to do. Our words will be in our book of deeds on the Day of Judgement, so we have to be careful what we say and what we write.
    As Ana says, we are pro-polygyny here. Only you know why you would call something that Allah has permitted a curse on society.

    May Allah increase all of our knowledge and obedience to Him.

  • anabellah

    August 10, 2015

    MA Islam,

    You’re entitled to think as you do. I suppose you shouldn’t get in a polygamous marriage then. Thanks for the comment. This is a pro-polygamy blog.

  • M A Islam

    August 10, 2015

    Polygamy is a curse on the society as a whole and in particular the women. The women are worst sufferers and are discriminated. It is unequal amongst the equal.

  • anabellah

    August 8, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello all you wonderful people,

    As you can see, we’ve got a new post. It’s for everyone to contemplate. Insha Allah, I’ll chat with you all later. I’m hopeful you all have been enjoying your weekend.