Unhappy Wives Who Live in Polygamous Marriages

unhappy wives who live in polygamous marriages

Unhappy wives who live in polygamous marriages are many. They are unhappy because their husbands married other women. Sharing a husband is not liked by most women. One can understand how a wife will be sad and depressed for a time after her husband marries another woman. Undoubtedly, she will feel that way, if she never wanted a polygamous marriage to begin with.

As the lifestyle is new to her, it will take a lot of getting used to. Some wives find that to live in such a marriage is unbearable. They don’t know why they suffer or what they could do to stop it. For some, it seems there is no hope for them to come out of it.

Unhappy wives who live in polygamous marriages remind me of a writer who was once here at polygamy 411

She was a sister-in-faith who was here off and on for a while. I don’t think I’ll ever forget her. Her complaint was always the same, which annoyed me. She made it seem as though we force wives to stay in the marriages and make them feel badly. She said that we made them think that they were not believers, because they did not embrace polygamy. Wives don’t have to accept polygamy; it’s not mandatory that they do. It what she used to say.

She was very unhappy with her life. She failed to know and understand that Allah places wives in polygamous marriages. Allah decided it for them. If the wives suffer in it, and it seems forever, they are doing something wrong. Perhaps they don’t obey Allah.

Allah tells us in the Holy Quran what we must do to live a life of comfort and ease. He tells us the truth. If one doesn’t have comfort and ease, then one is doing or believing the wrong things.

She said that she knows unhappy wives who live in polygamous marriages, and they are believers

She said one was in a polygamous marriage for nineteen years and was still suffering terribly. I said to her that those like her never accepted polygamy. They simply tolerate it. I further said that if the wives do what Allah tells us to do, they’d be at peace. Allah promises it for the believers.

The writer always had the same old song and dance and I got tired of it. She said, if it takes the wives away from their Lord (Allah), for instance, if they can’t offer Salat (the five daily mandatory prayers) or read the Quran etc., then they don’t have to accept polygamy. If the wife is so messed up to the point that it stops her from doing those things then she should leave the marriage, she said. It was her argument. She then wondered why she was so unhappy in her polygamous marriage.

When unhappy wives who live in polygamous marriages are that distraught, the problem isn’t polygamy

When unhappy wives who live in polygamous marriages are that devastated, they need to turn to Allah in prayer more than ever. Running away doesn’t fix the problem. They need to make sure that they continue to offer the five daily prayers and read the Quran then more than ever. We must do all acts of worship that Allah has prescribed for us, regardless of the situation.

When our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was at war and the enemy was killing, dismembering and injuring his men, did Allah excuse them from Salat? He did not. He let them know how they were to pray during battle. Being at war, subjected to dismemberment and death are far more distressing than sharing a husband in a polygamous marriage. Do you think? Those believing men offered Salat with enthusiasm. The men looked forward to it, despite their hardships.

Wives use the excuse that they cannot do acts of worship because of polygamy. Yet, they are the cause of their problems. Polygamy isn’t. If they can’t do acts of worship, it’s because of what is in their hearts. There hearts are dark. They have impure hearts.

Many unhappy wives who live in polygamous marriages find reasons to reject polygamy, and it doesn’t help them. No one wants the label of unbeliever, but if the shoe fits, then wear it.

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272 Comments

  • anabellah

    June 25, 2017

    aLOVEDwife,

    It’s good to hear from you again. You haven’t abandoned us.https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    I doubt anyone here would be disappointed in your progress or lack of in tackling “jealousy”. It’s not an easy battle to fight. Although, it’s certainly doable – to come out on the winning end. One just can’t fall a sleep and think that she is there. Slackening is not allowed.

    About our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) having had all his nine wives living under one roof with him, it’s not so. It didn’t happen. It’s not the way it’s done in Islam. Wives, each are supposed to have their own dwelling.

    You were within your right to want to have your own residence, and there was nothing wrong in you asking your husband to provide an apartment for you.

    I’m not sure what exactly your beliefs are. It appears you’re living to try to make your husband and his other wife happy. Why? I don’t understand why you cave in to them and let them dictate to you how your life will be (how they want it to be).

    If you think you could battle “jealousy” on your own as in you have the power to control it, you need to think again. It seems you think you’re responsible for your husband and his other wife’s happiness. It’ ain’t gonna happen. You can’t make your self happy let alone someone else.

    What are you trying to do? I’m not really sure?

  • aLOVEDwife

    June 25, 2017

    Dear Loved Ones,

    I have a HUGEEE confession to make. Y’all are not going to like this. On Saturday, June 24, 2017 (literally the LAST day of Ramadan 2017), my husband drove me to mother’s house because I gave him an ultimatum- “Either I get my own apartment or your life will be miserable because I don’t think I can live with the both of you for the rest of my life forever.” So he decided to drive me to my mother’s house as the solution to MY problem. In the end, as my sister wife was sitting in the backseat (the whole time), he left the choice up to her, whether she still wanted me as her sister wife or not. She was merciful and she chose to keep me as her sister wife after I had made him extremely upset since the Prophet (Peace be upon him) had all of his nine wives living under the same roof. He is truly trying to emulate and live the same way that the Prophet (Peace be upon him) lived.
    It’s EXTREMELYYY hard when you have to live and see how “sexy” and beautiful and smart the other sister wife is. That’s my life every single day. Welcome to my world. But now, I’m trying to be positive and be loving and be kind. Going back, jealousy tries to devour me every single day. Unfortunately, truth be told, I have made their lives miserable and painful because of my “jealousy.” I have made him and her live in eggshells with me to the point that every day was a family day until now. Poor thing, for a whole year, she didn’t have a “date” with her husband because of my jealousy. But now things are changing, my husband is not going to allow my “jealousy” to dictate their relationship. I totally understand now. She deserves attention and love just as I do. However, my “jealousy” has injured this family. Now I have to take responsibility for my own actions and words. Now, I can’t REACT if she wears a “sexy” outfit when all three of us go out or whenever they go on a “date.” I can’t allow my “jealousy” to take over because at this point, my husband is tired and fed up with how my jealousy has been vicious. It’s true that my “jealousy” has made them suffer and now it hurts. All I can now say is that I will TRY to do my best and not allow my jealousy to lash out into an action or by saying an ugly jealous remark/comment. I really don’t know how all of you are going to handle and process all of this because it’s quite sad and bad. Apparently, I haven’t been the greatest nor sweetest/kind/loving wife, person, Muslim nor polygamist I should be. I don’t know what Allah would say to me or decide to do with me after all of the sins I have committed and worst of all, to the people that love me the most, my family. 🙁

    I don’t know what else to say since I have basically have said everything that could go wrong in a relationship. It’s a miracle all three of us are still together. I just hope I don’t mess up anymore because my sister wife said that if I were to mess up once again, she won’t be merciful. She would say, leave and therefore, he would LEAVE me by calling the cops. Yep.

    And all of this started because I had told him I wanted my own apartment and he said that’s never going to happen. Now I know ladies, I can never have my own home or apartment. It was hard for me to accept it, but in the end, I did and I apologized, but it wasn’t good enough for him, he wanted my sister wife to make the final choice. 24 hours ago, I was reluctant, but I finally gave up the whole idea, desire or a want to have to have my own apartment because I didn’t want to lose my husband and I also had to come to terms, a year later, that I HAVE to love my sister wife no matter what. She doesn’t trust me nor she believes anything that I say, but she told me all she needs is time because I’ve hurt her emotionally and psychologically for the past year due to my jealousy.

    I have A LOT to make up, but I Pray that Allah gives me the Strength and the courage and patience/wisdom and understanding that I need.

    Because of the pain and grief that I caused on 6/24/2017, all three of have to make up that day of fast 🙁 My fault. Yep.

    I feel really bad for what I have said and done to my family. Please PRAY for me ladies. I am finally stating my true colors and this makes me really sad, but I will do my best to make my family happy and to love them and respect them (emoji of a red heart).

    Sincerely,

    aLOVEDwife

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    picture of a red heart.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    aLOVEDwife, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Insha Allah, your remaining days of Ramadan will be wonderful. It has been a beautiful month for me.

    Alhumdulliah, Allah inspired me to check the spam queue today, and I found your post there. It’s funny that your posts seem to get a false positive for spam a lot. LOL

    I’m glad you didn’t forget about us and you stopped back in to chat. Insha Allah, don’t stay away so long.

    I could imagine it would be difficult for the wives to live together with the husband. I always thought it would be, and I just can’t imagine me being able to do it. I see wives living together as an unnecessary burden that they and the husband place on themselves. I see it as unnatural for the wives to all live together with the husband. I perceive it as being the equivalent of self torture. Those are simply my thoughts about it. I don’t mean to offend.

    Alhumdulliah that you are hanging in there, though. Of course, love of a husband is a major factor that would cause a wife to try to make the marriage work.

    aLOVEDwife, it’s nice that you shared a bit more about yourself. I must say though that we don’t exchange email addresses and any other contact info. here as part of the blog policy. We want all to come to the blog to chat here with one another. Otherwise, it’ll turn into an email exchange service or meet and greet situation for potential friends or something of the sort. I hope you understand for reasoning behind it.

    I pray the best for you, and please feel free to share and chat or simply continue to stop in to say, hey 🙂

  • aLOVEDwife

    June 22, 2017

    Hi Sisters and Brothers!

    I would like to say “As-salāmu ʿalaykum”! ^_^
    It’s Ramadan 2017, but it’s almost done. I hope all of you are making it through by resting, eating and drinking plenty of water before sunrise! Loll
    Anabellah, I never forgot about you and all, but it’s been a while since I’ve communicated and posted something loll I would like to say that a year later, I am still trying to make the effort to remain in this polygamous marriage because I LOVEEE my husband, but it’s hard (we all live in the same apartment) loll
    Furthermore, I would like if a Sister could contact me (please reply back to this message) if she would like to be my friend. Unfortunately I read this on Anabellah’s page and well, I was sad, “As much as I would love to speak with each of you one by one by email or phone, I cannot do so. Needless to say, it would be way too much work for me to speak to each of you personally about your life, manage the blog, and live my personal life, as well.” So I decided to post and share this for a wonderful Sister who would be willing to talk to me via phone, email, and text. I desperately would like to have a real friend who would accept me for my lifestyle and my beliefs. I live in Texas, USA. I yet have no children, my husband only has two wives (both childless). Almost 30 years old, unfortunately do not speak Arabic, American, college educated, loves life, the outdoors (nature), art, good food and comedy.
    Blessings to all!❤
    Love to all & always,

    aLOVEDwife ^_^
    🌲🌳🌷🌹🌻🌺🌸🌼

  • Adeniyi Mahmud

    June 15, 2017

    I am a man who is ready to have the second wife now but before my marriage with my current wife who is also the first wife I have let her known that I am a polygamist. She cried because she assumed as I came from a monogamy family and that would be my marriage style.Then I explained to her that I am more conscious than my dad and so she consent to it.Now the marriage is ten years with 4 children.I have a distance single female cousin who is age 40 now and I intend proposing to her. My question now is do I allow my wife to contact her on my behalf so it may disses off any tension or I should conclude the step before informing her? All I want is just to let my wife be at ease with my decision, may Allah be with us all. amin

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2017

    Jen,

    No human being is forcing wives to stay in it. Divorce is acceptable in Islam.

    The women who come here and write say they love their husbands and want to stay married to them. They are the ones who must make a change, if they don’t like it, so what’s your problem? YOU don’t like it! Thats your problem…

    Furthermore, I beg to differ. Islam/Allah is not sad.

  • Jen

    January 19, 2017

    I HOPE YOUR HUSBAND HAS FEW WIVES AND THEN YOU’ll repost what you have just posted! I respect your views, but some women can’t live with it. Yes Allah loves them and wants them to turn to Allah, but this is really very sad.

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2016

    aLOVEDWife,

    Thanks for sharing the prayer. God bless you, too?

  • aLOVEDWife

    December 27, 2016

    P.S This is my Prayer-I want to meet a real person, a friend that I could talk to, relate to and sympathize/empathize with one another, face-to-face.? I would love to meet another female polygamist who’s not part of this marriage, in person 😀 Loll? “Sami’a Allahu liman hamidah, Rabbana wa lakal hamd” (God hears those who call upon Him; Our Lord, praise be to You.) & “Subhana Rabbiyal A’ala” (Glory be to my Lord, the Most High). **tear**

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    Night Anabellah & God Bless You!!~

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  • anabellah

    December 27, 2016

    aLOVEDWife, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, ?

    I knew where you was coming from when you shared your thoughts and feelings about the situation. It seemed a typical reaction. I see accepting a polygamous marriage as a process. There are certain emotions and behavior that one tend to exhibit at the different stages.

    Thanks for sharing, dear sister. I’ll make duah for you⚘ Take it easy. All will be okay. You seem to be a very beautiful, kind person ?

  • aLOVEDWife

    December 27, 2016

    In the end Anabellah, he answered my text message saying that I could go to the store to buy some medicine. I still made it home before they did meaning I got home before 3 o’clock. For right now there are reasons why I have to “ask permission” to where I would be or with whom I would be with. For the reasons, I cannot disclose that, but know Anabellah that he means well? The reason I felt “neglected” and “hurt” its because I truly believe that whenever co-wife communicates with him, FOR THE MOST PARTTT, he replies right away. You see Anabellah, I had to catch myself meaning I had to reflect back on my “negative emotions.” I realized, “hmm…perhaps this same incidence has happened to co-wife.” I began to “reason.” Loll That helped me a lottt, but sometimes the tidal wave of emotion hits me hard and I feel like crying. I had a cold and I felt soo alone Anabellah in the house when I knew they were together having a great time and THAT’S the reason why it took him an “hour” to check his phone because he was with co-wife until he finally checked his phone and realized that I had texted him a longgg time ago.??? I know I wasn’t dying, but the point is that I feel as though he puts a HIGH priority to check his phone ALL THE TIMEEE (NOT an hour later!!) whenever he’s with me to check and see if someone has called or texted him :/ :((( Please Pray for me Anabellah?

    As-salāmu ʿalaykum~

    Love,

    aLOVEDwife?

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  • anabellah

    December 26, 2016

    aLOVEDWife,

    It’s always good to hear from you, aLOVEDWife. You have such a bubbly, joyful personalityhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif. I bet you’re an awesome and amazing friend to have in real life, too. The reality is, I don’t hang out with anyone other than my husband; my wali (who has been my friend for 30 years), my mom; and my younger sister who is usually with my mom LOL  In fact, those two were suppose to come to my home today.

    Your post confused me, because you said that you text your husband to see if you could go to the store. You then said you decided not to be home when he arrives. Well, then, why didn’t you just go to the store, if it’s okay for you to not be there when he arrives home? https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    I also think it’s bizarre for a wife to have to ask her husband if it’s okay for her to leave the house. I’m not about that. I’m not going to ask my husband if it’s okay for me to leave my house. No way Jose. No can do https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif I know there are some wives who do that. Huh, good for them, but it’s not good for me.

    You need to check yourself and see if you intentionally disturbed them when you didn’t need to. If she works all the time and finally got a chance to be with her husband for several hours, did you REALLY need to bother them? It’s not as though you’re pregnant and your water broke or you were experiencing pain that warrant a trip to the emergency room of a hospital.

    You said you were feeling “ignored and hurt” because he didn’t return your call immediately. I get how you felt. It’s understandable. It’s understandable, as well, that he didn’t text you right back. I think if you had a real emergency, he would have. He knew you weren’t dying from a bad cold, and knew you would survive until he got home.

    I’m glad that your writing it out here made you begin to feel better. Again, it’s good to hear from you. Continue to be the cheerful, happy-go-lucky person that you come across as being. Thanks for sharing some of your sunshine with us today https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • aLOVEDWife

    December 26, 2016

    Hey Precious Girls!!

    It’s been a while since I’ve been here. I never forgot about y’all especially you, Anabellah? I bet you’re an awesome and an amazing friend to have in real life!! 😀

    I have returned because I wanted to talk to some Sisters 🙂 Good news: I’ve been doing well with Polygamy, accepting & embracing my co-wife and being happy with the three of us (that includes my husband)❤ 😉

    However, I just had a moment where I felt pain, like I was alone…ignored-that hurt. You see, my co-wife finally had the day off because of the holidays. My husband and co- wife left at 8:30am to spend the afternoon together. Okay, that’s cool. However, I have a cold right now and I asked my husband if I could go to the store and he literally didn’t reply until almost an HOURRR later ??? For the most part whenever co-wife texts him, he replies right away, constantly checking his phone. I try to be supportive and be okay with everything, but what happened today did hurt me. He apologized for not “hearing the phone go off,” but that hurt. I wanted to go to the store to get some medicine and the fact that he replied almost an hour later, made me feel neglected.  I’m starting to feel better by sharing this with someone. It’s 1pm right now, but they’ll be home by 3pm. I decided to not be home for the meantime until they get home because I feel like l’ll get all emotional and then I’ll start crying like a BIG baby!!??? Loll ;P

    Love y’all!! Peace & Blessings!!❤

    Sincerely with Love,

    aLOVEDwife 😀

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  • anabellah

    September 3, 2016

    Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I wondered where you had dissapeared to. It’s nice to read you again.

    Self-analysing is definitely the way to go. It’s a beautiful thing to know ourselves. What’s even better is knowing that to know Allah (via the Quran) is to know ourselves. What an amazing journey to Truth.

    Keep up the good work, Sis. I’m working along with you, on me 🙂

  • Tasliyman

    September 2, 2016

    Aslm ladies. 

    Hope you are all doing well. I’ve gone back to being a silent reader for a while as I am doing some self analyzing as Ana advised aLOVEDwife to do in a previous post. 

    I’ve not come out on top yet and I’m still pretty confused but I am so gratefull for all the reminders on this blog. It’s preventing me from slipping into depression which could so easily happen in the past. What I do realise is that I have to work on me, not blame other people and situations. 

    This post is just to say thank you for all the great positive messages everyone posts. 

  • anabellah

    August 27, 2016

    Concerned,

    I just pulled your last post out of spam. Sorry. I’ll try to see what caused it so I could, Insha Allah, stop it from happening again.

  • Concerned

    August 27, 2016

    Ana

    That comment was brilliant. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif. VERY good advice. 

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2016

    aLOVEDwife, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I thought about what you said in your post about seeing your co and your husband together in a happy state and it made you cry. I find when something happens to me and I react a certain way, it’s a time for me to self analyze. You should ask yourself why you became sad, unhappy and cried when you saw them happy together in pics, especially since you all live together in the same home. You get to see them interacting in your presence daily. Ask yourself if you had been deluding yourself all along thinking that he didn’t love her, only loved you and you was his favorite. What other reason would you have to be affected by it the way that you were, if it had all along been obvious to you that he loved her? Ask yourself why it bothered you so much? What you come up with is what you need to work on.

    I’ve never known snooping to bear good fruit. We may learn a thing or two, but the hurt that comes with it may not be worth what we learned. What we learned could stay with us indefinitely and cause negative feelings to linger. Ask Allah to let you not snoop any longer, and in time, Insha Allah, it will happen. 🙂

  • aLOVEDwife

    August 24, 2016

    Confession – I did something horrible last night. While co-wife was with husband for a brief moment, I had to use the restroom. I noticed she had left her cell phone on the restroom counter and I immediately went through her phone and yes, I looked through her gallery. I knew there were pictures of “them.” Girls, ladies, I felt HURT. I knew I shouldn’t have done that and in the end I regretted it. I felt a stab in my heart when I saw “them together” and saw how HAPPY they were ??????. My heart ACHEDDD. Good thing that she had the night with him, and so I cried, cried and cried :”(( Well there it goes, it has been written and “said” to y’all lol

    God help me emotionally and with my “horrible habit.” God help me keep my sanity. Aa- min.

    As-salāmu ʿalaykum,

    aLOVEDwife❤

  • anabellah

    August 23, 2016

    aLOVEDwife, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I love your new name. They keep getting better. This one sounds like it’s a keeper though. It is good to hear so much good came from what you went through, and it took you to the next level. It’s interesting how it happens. Sometimes we have to go through something hurtful and difficult to get to a place that is much, much, much better. It seems to be the pattern for me. I see it all as a process of growth. Insha Allah, your husband will be better soon.

    Love to you, my dear sister. Thanks for letting us know you’re okay and all is good 🙂

  • ummof4

    August 23, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    aLoved wife, I like your new name.  And it’s good to hear that you are in a different place now after talking to your co-wife and husband.  May Allah preserve all of you and make your marriages strong.

    Allahu Akbar!

  • aLOVEDwife

    August 22, 2016

     Ummof4, thank you for giving me your feedback. That’s Very SWEET of you =^_^= I’m glad we can relate lol It’s very comforting to know that your youngest daughter feels the same way. Praise God!! 😀

    Dear Anabellah,

    Yeah, I was REALLY going through some DARK Days. No joke!! I had even packed my bags, but when it came down to the final SECOND, I just couldn’t leave my husband. I really do love him, but I think that day I Really had to vent with my co-wife. I can’t believe she heard me, she understood  every single word or deed I did that day. She really didn’t want me to leave, but if I really wanted to leave, she was going to respect my decision. I got A LOT of things OFF my chest!! Thanks be to Allah 🙂 After that day, I felt like I had changed. I felt my Spirit at ease, at Peace. Thanks be to Allah!!?

    Now I understand that my husband loves me and my co-wife UNCONDTIONALLY?. Heck, he could love and have up to FOUR wives. I get it, but yes there were some really,  REALLY bad days and perhaps there’ll be a couple more, but now, I get it. I love my husband despite or beyond polygamy. It’s my husband’s duty and “job” to be fair, loving and kind to all us (wives) and he is 😉 Thank goodness!! And it’s our job, –My job– to be righteous, faithfuL and Loving at all times to him? =^_^= Loll

    Say a little Prayer for my husband, a couple days ago he was suffering under rapid heart palpitations.?

    As-salāmu ʿalaykum,

    Love,

    aLOVEDwife =^_^=

    (I changed my “nickname,” it’s a aLOVEDwife) :))

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  • ummof4

    August 11, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    I can relate to the “mother connection”.  My children call it “Ummee love”.  I still miss my mother regularly and she died 35 years ago.  And it is true, losing a parent is like losing a part of yourself. I am very close to my children, especially my youngest daughter – she named her son after me; sees me almost every day; and has never lived more than 5 minutes from me since she has been married.  Want to hear something funny?  She called me as I was typing this comment.

     

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2016

    2ndLOVEDwife,  Wa Alaikum As Salaam, 🙂

    I wouldn’t go so far as to say that a polygamous life is for every woman in Islam to live.  Not all men become polygamous. There is no requirement that they do.

    Allah has allowed polygamy for men and if the man becomes polygamous, it goes without saying that the wives are a part of it. Whether the wife stays in it or not is a different story.

    Based on what I’ve read from you, your problem isn’t in accepting polygamy as a way of life. You seem to be okay with it and wanting to make it work. I see it that you and your husband along with the co aren’t compatible. It’s just not working. I don’t see any reason for you to stay in a marriage that you aren’t happy in. It appears that you have given it your all in all. It’s the way I see it. I don’t see anything wrong in you leaving the marriage (if Allah has decreed it).  If you’re feeling you want out, maybe it’s the direction that you are going in.

    I recommend that you read the post that I wrote a couple of days ago about staying in polygamy. It should be helpful.

    https://www.polygamy411.com/stay-in-polygamy/

    Love to you, my dear sister https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • 2ndLOVEDwife

    August 11, 2016

    Thank you for understanding Anabellah. I really appreciate it as well as the support and encouragement of other women 🙂

    Question though lol Is polygamy for every woman in Islam? Does that mean a woman can walk out or “divorce” her husband if she really can’t handle polygamy?

    As-salāmu ʿalaykum,

    Love,

    2ndLOVEDwife ^_^

    ?

  • anabellah

    August 10, 2016

    2ndLOVEDwife,

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I know exactly how much your mom means to you and how much you love her.I feel the same way about my mom. I love her so much and worry about her safety and wellbeing. I dread the thought of losing her. I was told that when one loses a mom, it feels like losing a part of yourself. 🙁

  • Karima

    August 10, 2016

    Salam you are so lucky to have such a strong bond with ur Mom Mashallah!!!

  • 2ndLOVEDwife

    August 9, 2016

    Dear Anabellah, I really do appreciate sharing this with someone or some people (women of Islam) and be heard/understood. Allah knows how much I feel right now (pain). Not only am I struggling to deal with living with co-wife, I’m also stuggling with my mom being gone- she’s out of the country for over a month. I know this may all sound silly, but I feel like I am child and I have something, something really important missing/gone. I worry about her safety- she’s literally the closest human being to me. She is MY MOM. I am trying to do my best to remain positive, but I’ll be honest, whenever I have “painful moments” with “my marriage,” this is where I want to be with my mom- she’s my 2nd comforter with Allah being the first 🙂 It’s like I want my mom to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I Pray that things get better. Please Allah, please help. Aa-min. Love you girLs, As-salāmu ʿalaykum, Love, 2ndLOVEDwife =^_^=~❤~

  • anabellah

    August 8, 2016

    2ndLOVEDwife, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good to hear that your husband was patient with you, and he didn’t let you walk. I’m not surprised that he was willing to fight for you. Being married to him 2nd doesn’t take away the fact that you are his wife. It shouldn’t be surprising that he fought for his wife (you). Insha Allah, you’ll get to the point where you view yourself as simply your husband’s wife and not a number. You are more than that.

    Your fit throwing episode comes with the territory of being in a polygamous marriage. In time, you’ll grow and become a big girl. It’s all good 🙂

    Part of your problem in dealing with him sleeping with the other wife is that you, she and he live in the same house. You know my position on it. Allah doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear, we put the additional burden on ourselves. Wives living together with the husband is not the acceptable way in Islam. A husband having all his wives living together is an innovation.

  • 2ndLOVEDwife

    August 7, 2016

    Good evening ladies,

    A month has not even passed by and lots of things have happened to me. I finally had my emotional break down. I wanted to call it “quits.” I REALLY did if my husband was willing to let me go. But…he wasn’t. He was still willing to fight for me even if I was his 2nd wife and I was throwing a “fit”. He is such a unique and loving and a wise man because of Allah. No joke!! ;P I stayed. Lol.

    I simply struggle whenever it’s the other’s wife’s turn to sleep with him. Gosh, it’s a burn!! :/ >.< Loll

    Anabellah, thank you for replying back and for your feedback. It really does help :o) ❤?

    As-salāmu ʿalaykum,

    Love,

    2ndLOVEDwife ^_^

    ?

  • anabellah

    July 23, 2016

    Please note that below when I mentioned jealousy and envy with regard to some of the Prophets, I don’t mean the Prophets were jealous. I’m referring to situations in which they were the subject of jealousy or in a situation in which someone was jealous of them. Example: Prophet Joseph’s (PBUH) brothers were jealous of him because he was more loved by his father than they were. The story of Cane and Able in which the one killed the other because the one’s sacrifice was accepted by Allah and the other one’s wasn’t etc Adam who Iblis was jealous of. etc.

  • anabellah

    July 23, 2016

    2ndLOVEDwife, Hello there! Wa Alaikum As Salaam 🙂

    I was trying to find a way to best answer your question as easily and quickly as possible. There has been numerous conversations on the blog about whether wives should or could live together in polygamous marriages all under one roof with their husbands. I looked to see if I had written a post on the topic. I couldn’t find one. As I stated, we’ve all talked here about the topic often. I looked to see if I could find comments that would direct you to where the discussions took place, but wasn’t successful in being able to post the links. As much as I would like to, it would be too time consuming for me to do that.

    To my recollection, there is nothing in the Quran that speaks DIRECTLY to whether a husband could have all his wives living together under one roof. There is enough in the Quran about virtue, purity and chastity to suggest that they shouldn’t all live together. There is information about jealousy and envy with regard to some of Allah’s prophets that leads one to believe that to avoid jealousy and envy as much as possible wives shouldn’t live together. Allah addresses who we can be in a state of undress in front of, as well. I think all wives living together under one roof with the husband opens the door for perversion. All that I’ve read in the Holy Quran leads me to believe that a husband shouldn’t live under the same roof with all his wives.

    I’ve read a lot of Islamic material about the Prophet Muhammad (PBHU) – books about his life and the lives of his companions. All that I’ve read lets one know the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) didn’t live under the same roof with all his wives together. I don’t see it as the Islamic way. Granted, if there is an emergent situation such as the house of one of the wives burns down and she has no place to go but sleep on the street, then, of course, the other wife should open her home to the woman if the husband and the other woman can’t determine another viable solution.

    Ummof4 had written a nice comment about how some men seek to satisfy their needs by having the wives all live together. Some want more than one wife, but know they can’t afford more than one. They can’t afford to give each of their wives their own separate dwellings. Consequently, they make the wives sacrifice for them (the men). The women suffer as a result. I think the men suffer as well because no good comes from something that is wrong. Some men are greedy, selfish and self-serving.

    On the other hand, some men and women welcome living together because they have abomination on them, and they get off on hearing or seeing the husband and the other wife get off or they all get off together. It’s a sickness. Some are voyeurs. Some like like to watch and some like others to watch them. It’s a sickness.

    I think the bad outweighs any good in wives living together under the same roof as the husband.

    I’m hopeful that what I wrote was helpful. Love to you, my dear sister

  • 2ndLOVEDwife

    July 23, 2016

    Hi Ladies, 

    1) I had a question, is there somewhere in the Qur’an where it mentions whether each wife deserves their “own house”? Or does it not mention it?

    2) And/or…what do y’all think about that?

    I would appreciate the help 😉 Loll

    Love y’all ❤??

    As-salāmu ʿalaykum?,

    Love❤2ndLOVEDwife?

  • 2ndLOVEDwife

    July 19, 2016

    I’ll be honest …, whenever I think about the day when my “husband” will pass away, a part of me REALLY just wants to walk away and not be with “co- wife” anymore. I feel like the reason why I am in this relationship or “marriage,” it is because of my husband. I love him, but a part of me would LEAVEEE after my husband has passed away. Would I still owe something to my “co-wife” after he has passed away? I don’t know, but perhaps I feel this way because everything is sooo fresh and new. I think I’m simply “tolerating” polygamy for right now. It’s sad, but it’s soo HARD. LOLLL Hopefully it gets better…soon! 😉 Lol Prayer helps 🙂 and giving my “pains/hurts/struggles” to Allah helps.

    P.S I’m not a Muslim. Yet? Loll But I do make an effort to learn, understand and know about Islam. Forgive me.

    Blessings girls, As-salāmu ʿalaykum,

    2ndLOVEDwife?

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2016

    It’ ridiculous that some Muslim women identified as Muslim work alongside non-Muslim men and have non-Muslim men as bosses, but when they get around Muslim men, they act like they’ve got to run away as though he’s going to harm her. I had a Muslim girlfriend who did that crap, thinking it showed some type of piety. She was just fronting. She ended up leaving Islam when she and her husband divorced.

  • anabellah

    July 18, 2016

    Arzoo,

    I re-read your post. I was trying to get back to respond. The problem with polygamy is there isn’t a lot of talk about it from a practical point of view. What one hears most is talk about how beneficial polygamy is for society and that men can be polygamous as permitted by Allah. Not many people care about the philosophy of polygamy. It’s not going to cure any social ills because nothing can. Allah created social ills for a reason. Therefore, such senseless talk about the benefits of polygamy does no good.

    Women shouldn’t feel embarrassed about a lifestyle that Allah has allowed for us, but we do. We have to unlearn what we’ve learned. More talk should be about how we can come together as brothers and sisters of faith and work together to have unity. It won’t happen as long as sectarianism exist and people believe that men and women have to be separated from each other. How can there be a brotherhood when Muslims believe men and women can’t co-mingle, police themselves and live as brothers and sisters. The separatism has caused some men to behave as barbarians when around women because it’s so foreign to them. Allah says men are the maintainers and protectors of women. He didn’t simple say wife or family members. He said women. How can men maintain and protect women when they are forbidden to be with them. People all over the planet, men and women live side by side along with each other and are civil and not barbaric. The separation makes no sense. Maybe it did back in the day when in the earlier days of civilization when men used to scoop women up on their horses and ride off with them and such.

    People mistake the Ayah in the Quran to say that men and women can’t be together unless they are related by blood or married. That ayah simply is about who we can be in a state of undress in front of. Yet people interpret it the way they want. They are no better than ISL/ISIS. Allah says He has made the Quran easy to understand and remember. He says He doesn’t want to place an unnecessary burden on us with regard to our religion – Islam.

    This blog helps women to understand and live polygamy from a practical perspective. There are too many Muslim walking around fronting and pretending to be righteous in front of others. I encourage people to keep it real on this blog. Allah says that if it weren’t for His mercy we’d all be in Hell. There is no need to pretend and put on a show for others that a Muslim has it all together because it’s not real.

  • Arzoo

    July 13, 2016

    Ana,

    You made a very good point. Polygamous wives will not resort to tantrums if they didnt see their husband marrying another woman like it is almost same as cheating. I think that comparison you made touches the root cause of misery and pain polygamous women go through. If all followed Sharia and Islamic way of living then it will be normal and expected for men to be polygamous. That means it will be less of a shock for women involved. Also there wont be as much stigma. My friend is so ashamed of her fathers choice to marry 2nd. If there was wider acceptance of this type of marriage in society may be she will not feel same way. As far as i remember reading from this blog, Ummof4 seems to be someone who happily accepts polygyny and is very content and comfortable with her polygamous marriage. I think its because she was always open to polygyny. Maybe her being older and having a long time experienced living this lifestyle is another reason. 

  • anabellah

    July 13, 2016

    2ndLOVEDwife,

    We ladies used to have discussions here on the blog about best friends who became co-wives and how their lives were afterwards. I can’t see how it’s possible for them to remains friends after they are married to the same men. The confidentiality that they had probably changes and they become somewhat competitive. The wives can use what they know of each other to their advantage. The special friendship that they have can’t exist anymore. Everything in life changes when the variables change.

    I’m happy to hear that the craziness with your co is over for a while and things have settled down. About her being immature and growing, neither of those two things have anything to do with polygamy. Women of all ages in polygamous marriages go through the same thing. It has nothing to do with age. No woman wants to share a husband and no woman has been prepared to share one. Living polygamy is foreign for the average woman and they all go though serious changes with it. “Tantrums’ are par for the course when it comes to women and polygamy despite how embarrassing it may be. It’s humiliating for the women who go through it. It’s probably no different than what a wife in a monogamous marriage goes through when she finds out that her husband is “cheating.” I say it all to say that your co is quite normal. It doesn’t matter whether she’s 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 or beyond; it’s the same.

    You’re doing good in working on you. We all need to work on ourselves. I’m always working on me each and everyday. You’re doing the right thing in asking Allah for help and guidance. Only He can help and guide us. Alhumdulliah that Allah has given you a lot of patience. Patience is a blessing. {{{hugs}}}

    I shall return. I have to run out for a while…

  • Tasliyman

    July 13, 2016

    2ndLOVEDwife, I cant help but laugh at the way you refer to your co-wife’s age. You make it sound as if she’s so old yet she’s only in her thirties. 

    I suppose if you’re in twenties you would think thirty-something seems old. But to me (being 35) it really aint that old.  Plus I only recently stopped with the divorce requests and tantrums myself.  So your shock at your co-wife’s immaturity “despite her age” really makes me laugh.   And the ‘still growing’ part is sooooo me. Just yesterday I had a conversation with my husband and I told him that I’ve ‘grown’ a lot over the past few months.  It’s hilarious.  

    Please dont get me wrong – I don’t think your situation is funny, I just find your opinion of a thirty year old amusing.  

  • 2ndLOVEDwife

    July 13, 2016

    P.S How do y’all deal or cope with polygamy?
    Does it get “easier” in time?
    Does it get better as time passes by? Or are you still struggling with polygamy after months or years have passed by?
    Do you care about your co- wife or do you hate her? Loll Do you feel threatened by her presence or are you in “good standing” with your co- wife? Sorry, these are questions that make me question and wonder about the lives of other women that are going through the same thing I am presently living in.
    Love you ladies.⚘
    As-salāmu ʿalaykum
    ❤2ndLOVEDwife?

  • 2ndLOVEDwife

    July 12, 2016

    Dear BeautifuL Ladies, So many things have happened, so many sentiments have taken place. I had to take a moment to finally write this out after the “divorce” incident. To answer your question Tasliyman, yes she is my “best friend.” But for some reason, I don’t view her as my “best friend” anymore. I see her more as a person, a woman, a “wife” or the “first wife.” Lol Sometimes she drives me mad! But!! In the end, I Pray and I ask Allah to help me despite her “selfishness” and immaturity. And, I did witness everything when the whole “divorce fury” was going on. Oh, it was horrible. But at least now, that’s the past. I did feel as though there was an injury, but now I’m starting to realize that she is STILL GROWING despite her age or past experiences in life. I thought she had it “all together.” She made me believe that, but in the end, masks fell off. She couldn’t pretend everything was okay anymore. She was literally falling apart. I understand her now, but my goodness, her “emotions” can be ALL OVER THE PLACE!! Ah!! Loll ☺

    Anabellah- Yeah, she really didn’t want to get a “divorce.” She was just upset, but the whole thing was a NIGHTMARE (the tormenting and psychological kind) :(( My husband forgave her. He knew from the beginning she really didn’t mean it, but he knew she was throwing a “tantrum” by threatening to leave him with “divorce.” 

    All I can say is that Allah’s Patience is paying off!! Loll However, there are parts of me that I’m working on and I ask Allah to help me and guide me.

    Thank you for listening Anabellah (you are truly kind❤) as well as to the rest of the ladies. I reallyyyy appreciate it ??

    ❤2ndLOVEDwife

    ?

  • Tasliyman

    July 5, 2016

    2ndLOVEDwife

    Do I recall correctly that you and your co-wife used to be best friends? 

    Polygamy is hard when you live seperately. I cant even imagine having to live in the same house and on top of that having your best friend as a co-wife. 

    I think the tantrums and divorce requests is part of the process. I’ve been through that as well. I’m embarrassed about my behaviour when I think back now, I think it would be so much worse if the other wife actually witnessed it. 

    May things work out well for all of you. 

     

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2016

    2ndLOVEDwife,

    Do you think your husband was a little bit quick in accepting her request for a divorce? If my husband had accepted my 50 or more requests for divorce (maybe I’m exaggerating), where would I be? I’m grateful to Allah that He kept me in this marriage and didn’t have my husband so easily say, for instance, okay, I grant you the divorce.  Wives act crazy. Some get to the point that they say they can’t take it anymore and want a divorce. Given some time, they pull themselves together and realize they don’t want one after all. They go through a moment of temporary insanity, so to speak.

    You, yourself know that polygamy isn’t easy. She’s having a very difficult time with it the way that most women do. Maybe you and your husband should be a little more understanding and patient with her. If I remember correctly, you three live in the same home. It has got to be very difficult. I could never imagine living with any co-wife.  I think I’d go stark mad. I’d be off my rocker. LOL

    You’re going through an awful lot too. I think most of what you said was just letting it all out. I know you’re a more understanding person than what you portrayed. I can only imagine how tired you are of it all. I feel tired for you just reading the post. You’re doing really good trying to hold on as best you can. You’re doing the right thing by taking your complaints to Allah.

    You are not being to much. We’re here for you. It’s okay to let off steam here and vent. It definitely helps to be able to release one’s frustrations and it’s best not to unleash it on the husband or the co LOL.   Keep hanging in there. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

     

  • 2ndLOVEDwife

    July 3, 2016

    P.S. Did I mention how all three of us ended up going to the park, s- t- i- l-llll, DESPITE eeeveerryyytthhhinnggggggg! I wanted to CRY T_T and cry and cry! But…I didn’t. I told and shared EVERYTHING with Allah. Allah is good and righteous. I hope & Pray that Allah forgives me and my sins.

    And forgive me if I’m “being too much,”  but I literally have not a single person to share this with except y’all and obviously Allah? Loll 🙂

    Love y’all,

    2ndLOVEDwife⚘??

  • 2ndLOVEDwife

    July 3, 2016

    Dear Sisters, Perhaps TODAY, Saturday, July 2nd, 2016 was one of the HARDEST days of my life. Today, first wife literally declared, “DIVORCE.” She wanted to divorce husband. Oh, it was horrible. I don’t even know how I didn’t cry. I think I was in COMPLETE SHOCK. She threw a “hissy fit” due to “sex.” She’s been quite unhappy that she has to share husband when it comes to sex, but umm…this is polygamy honey loll Husband had literally accepted her “divorce” by word to the point that all three of us had made new living arrangements and plans due to this “divorce.” A minute or two after the “divorce” had been settled by word, she wanted to take it back!! A “GROWN” woman in her 30s, my goodness gracious!! In the end, that “divorce” that she has declared was annulled. Husband still loves her and will forever love her, but after this incident, I hope she understands that she can no longer do or say any childish or foolish things. I.am.simply..Tired!!! :(( She can no longer threaten husband with “divorce” just because she can’t have things her way.  In the end, we made new “rules” for our home. I PRAY to Allah, that He helps her, gives her Peace, WISDOM, and Understanding forever more!! 🙂 I do have to say that I was hurt through all of this. Her “immaturity, irrational, inconsiderate, and selfishness” has left a partial wound in me. All I know is that only Allah can help. Keep me in your Prayers Sisters. There are three more days of Ramadan. As-salāmu ʿalaykum? Love you girls, 2ndLOVEDwife??☺

  • 2ndLOVEDwife

    June 23, 2016

    Dear Anabellah,

    You bring soo much joy to me e-v-e-r-y time you reply back!! 😀 ? I really appreciate it 😉

    Piggy-backing on what you said, I’m glad someone understands me!! Loll ☺Thanks for listening❤!!~ It’s literally not easy living and it’s certainly not easy dealing with a (very emotional) co-wife grr!! Loll I was finally able to talk to her last night and tell her that if she ever needed to talk to hubby about certain issues, grievances, emotions or anything that was bothering her, if she could PLEASEEE talk to him before bedtime. No joke!! Loll I don’t mind if she needs to talk to him for two or three hours, but Lord have mercy!! Let it Pleaseee be BEFOREE bedtime. She can subtract our “leisure time” or our “tv time,” but my goodness let it be before he and I go to bed. Loll No joke!! I think she got the point loll She said sorry for the couple of times she “took my time away from him.” I still don’t trust her, but I think only time will tell. She “is” trying to change for the best. Imma just wait and see and trust in Allah❤ Only Allah knows,…best.?

    Love?,

    2ndLOVEDwife?

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2016

    2ndLOVEDwife Hey, you 🙂

    I’m glad you changed your name. The other one was way depressing 🙁

    You weren’t here when Aisha was. Your situation sounds just like hers LOL I have to laugh. Her co used to have crying fits and throw temper tantrums when he went to his other. They all lived together the same as you and yours. I know all about the crying and temper tantrums. It’s in my book. The difference is it’s more up close and personal with those who all live together. I’m seeing that the behavior isn’t all that extraordinary. It may be quite common. Could it be part of the process and a stage that some go through?

    I’m sorry, but each time I go back to read your post, I laugh. I could see her whimpering and crying on your night. It could be a combination of her being upset and wanting to upset you and your husband, as well.

    Keep doing what you’re doing – keep turning to Allah and ask him to make you patient and tolerant. All things change, nothing stays the same.

    Happy Ramadan to you, too! It’s been a wonderful Ramadan thus far. I’ve been loving me some dates and cashews together. Yum. I’ve lost quite a bit of weight too. yeah baby!

    Love to you, dear Sis

  • 2ndLOVEDwife

    June 21, 2016

    Oh yeah!! By the way, I forgot to mention how my previous “name” was “Unhappy,” but now it’s changed into “2ndLOVEDwife.” ? 

    Blessings!!~

  • 2ndLOVEDwife

    June 21, 2016

    Hey girls!! ;P

    I’ve decided to change my name. It’s –2ndLOVEDwife ?❤!!

    I am here today to speak and “share” my emotions. Last night, I could barely fall asleep. I was highly upset at first wife. I literally had.to.Pray to Allah. I didn’t go to sleep until after 2am and then I had to get up by 5:30, so hubby could eat breakfast ^_^ So last night, first wife, grr, once again had another crying/emotional episode on “my night.” It’s quite interesting. I wonder if she plots this all along (perhaps I’m speaking and thinking out of anger) but she does make me wonder. After couple of months of all of us living together, I feel like her “real self” or her insecurities are finally coming out. Last week, she LITERALLY threw A FIT. A “GROWN woman.” I was SHOCKEDDD and quite disappointed! And guess what, that was “my night.” Hmm, I think I’m starting to see a pattern here loll At least NOW, after MANYYY years (more than a decade) after she’s been married to hubby, she is finally trying to change for the best. But I’ll be honest, while this GROWN woman is trying to change for the good, it’s hard for me. First, I.don’t.trust her. At all!! Even my husband feels the same way. He may not be direct about his opinion, but it’s quite obvious. He does his best to love us equally. I love him? Anyhow, I’m really asking and Praying that Allah helps me through “her (growing) process.” I seriously NEED His Patience, His love, and His Wisdom loll Did I mention, how she’s older than me? My goodness!! Loll I just hope and Pray that she does not relapse and goes back to her “dark, insecure, and selfish ways.” Can y’all pray for me? I would really appreciate that?

    By the way, Happy Ramadan!! 😀 We have less than two weeks left!! Woohoo!! Loll

    As-salāmu ʿalaykum,

    Love❤,

    2ndLOVEDwife~

  • anabellah

    May 28, 2016

    Unhappy,

    It never crossed my mind about how it works when one of the wives wants to go to the movies or someplace just the two of them without the other getting jealous when they all live together. I suppose a way to prevent a problem would be to schedule in a date night – say for instance, once a month for each wife.

    For one wife to ask the other if she could have a date night with her husband seems unusual to me. I’m not about that LOL The whole wives thing of the wives living together is way peculiar to me. A woman must have a very strong constitution to cope with it. Better you than me 🙂 You’re a lot stronger than I am.

    I suggest you don’t fall into a rut of thinking that his first wife is superior to you just because she married him before you married him. As long as you don’t see yourself as equal to her, you won’t be. Furthermore, the better wife is the one who is the most righteous. A wise wife would strive to be the most righteous wife, not to be loved more by her husband, but to be loved by Allah who rewards the righteous.

    You may have to change your name soon from Unhappy to something else, cuz you sure don’t sound to be unhappy to me.

    On that note, I’m so happy that you wrote in. It’s good to hear from you.

  • Unhappy.

    May 28, 2016

    Can I just say, that I could neverrr forget this website. It is a tremendous help and it is a great relief on my behalf. Not only am I able to express myself and state “my grievances,” but I am also able to read other women’s testimonies. It is TRULY a blessing!! ?

    Aasiyah, I may not be a 100% Muslim woman, but I can totally understand and relate where you’re coming from. I also live with my co-wife and we literally live under the same roof. It’s hard to sometimes accept the reality, but it is what it is. I truly love my husband even though there’s times I question myself and say, “What the heck am I doing here? Why am I still here?” 

    It’s hard when my co-wife tells me that she would like to have a date with our husband. Deep inside my answer is “no,” but of course I say yes. “Gladly.” Why? Because she is his wife. Oh wait, the FIRST wife. What right do I have to take that away from her or him? NONE. So there you go Aasiyah, polygamy has taught me something 😉 To be loving beyond my capacity, beyond my needs. Yes, it’s hard or a CHALLENGE, but it is possible ?

    Continue to Pray to God. To Allah. God is good and merciful and COMPASSIONATE❤

    I reallyyy do wish and Hope the Best for you Aasiyah❤ I Pray that you seek God’s comfort and Peace. Blessings!!~

    ❤Unhappy.

  • anabellah

    May 21, 2016

    Aasiyah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam! Welcome to our blog family

    What I’m about to say is being said not to make you feel bad or to hurt you. I just want to be straightforward with you. In Islam it is common knowledge that the wives in polygamous marriages are to each have their own separate homes/dwellings. There is a reason for everything. Islam is about purity, virtue, chastity, piety, righteousness and all that is good. There is a reason for the wives to have their own dwellings. I would imagine that it preserves all of those attributes. We’re supposed to protect all of our senses, meaning our eyes from seeing what we’re not supposed to see and our ears from hearing what we’re not supposed to hear etc.

    What happens when we go against Allah and defy Him? We have serious problems. Nothing good comes from something that is bad.

    Allah doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear. WE PUT THE ADDITIONAL BURDEN ON OURSELVES.

    Yes, polygamy is difficult to live. It takes a lot of turning to Allah and working on oneself to rid ourselves of blameworthy characteristics such as jealousy and envy etc. It’ take a lot of asking Allah to forgive us and purify our souls etc.

    If you live with your co, you are going against the grain. You have set yourself up for additional heartbreak and heartache. You see that your co is the favorite and you see the love that the two of them have for each other. You know when they’re in the bedroom and know or suspect when they’re having sex. You are privy to all the business that they have together, which should be theirs alone. Marriage is sacred and private. You three have made it a communal situation.

    I think a way to lessen the pain that you feel and the jealousy that you have is to get her out of your house. I’m assuming you agreed to her living there. What reasons did you have to allow her into your home? Did you want to keep tabs on her and him, meaning did you want to know what he and she were doing at all times? Did you want him with you every night? Whatever it was, your DESIRES superseded how things are supposed to be done. You and your co and husband came up with an arrangement that satisfied the desires of the three of yous. Islam is not about satisfying our desires. It’s what non-believers do.

    How can you improve your deen when you are doing thing your own way and not the Islamic way?

    Allah hasn’t removed you from the marriage for His reason(s) that we’re not privy to. It’s the only reason I know that you’re still in the marriage. You have to answer why you think you are still in the marriage, and what you can intend to do to improve it.

    You said your husband is unjust. Do you mean in affection and love. Allah controls the love in a person’s heart. If you weren’t living with the co, you wouldn’t see all the love that your husband has for and is showing her. You wouldn’t be able to differentiate between the love he shows you and the love that he shows her.

    I think if your husband didn’t love you at all, he’d divorce you and only be with the other. I think if you want the situation to get any better, you need to change the living arrangement. If your husband wants to be with his other 24/7, he may divorce you to do it. It’s something you should be mindful of as well.

    If you want to chat some more, we are here for you 🙂

  • anabellah

    May 21, 2016

    UmmWaladalKhilafah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome

    You wrote a post saying you’re from XX. I need you to remove the acronym from the post to prevent controversy on the blog, if you want me to approve the comment. Thank you! 🙂

  • Aasiyah

    May 21, 2016

    Assalaam Alakium,

    I am in a newly polygamous marriage. I am the first wife living with the second wife, my husband and my two children. Its only been 5 months since my husband married a second wife. Alhumdillah she is alot of help with the kids and we get along great. However am unhappy because am jealous. To me my husband is unjust. He treats her way differently he treats me. He’s mostly with her. The only time he’s with me is when he sleeps with me. His actions tells me she’s the favorite. He favors her more. It took alot for me to realize she’s the woman he had a affair with and secretly married during our separation not long ago. I chose to accept her after debating if i should divorce my husband of 3 years. Am still thinking about divorcing him. I am suffering emotionally. Its killing me inside. I don’t feel like his wife to be honest. She does mostly everything. Why am i here? I can’t focus on improving my deen because am more focused on his love for his other wife.

  • anabellah

    April 11, 2016

    Unhappy,

    Maybe you’ll soon need to change your user name, as it won’t fit any longer once you truly become happy LOL

    I’m ecstatic to hear that the blog and all the wonderful ladies here are helpful to you. We have a nice crew here. I’m grateful to Allah for all the wonderful people who are with us.

    It’s difficult to answer your question, cuz I can’t remember if you’re Muslim or not. If you’re not Muslim and you’re going to a non-Muslim wedding, then do whatever you are inspired to do. It’s weird because gays could show up at a wedding and they’ll be embraced and welcomed, but a Polygamous Muslim can show up and be an outcast or ostracized.

    You are correct that the day is about your friends. They are getting married and it’s not about you. It’s not your day.  So, you could keep talk about you and your life to a minimum. I don’t see a need for you to hide your marriage, though. There is no need for you to give them the details about him being polygamous and all that jazz while at the wedding. Maybe tell them you’re married now and will tell them about it another time.

    I can’t tell you how your co-wife will react or feel if you take your husband to the wedding and don’t take her. She wasn’t invited, so she should understand. You should be able to take your husband to the wedding with you, if you’d like and any place else that you want to take him that not unlawful. Why not take your husband with you on outings?  You are married, right? It is your husband, right? There won’t be any reason not to – such as, his boss who know his other wife will be there or something of that nature, right?

    Polygamy isn’t easy. Nonetheless, you don’t need to feel that you have to act or pretend to not be married. If you do that, you will surely feel badly about being in a polygamous marriage. The sooner you begin to act and feel that you are his wife and he is your husband, the better it will be for you, him and her. Don’t start something that you don’t want to continue. Don’t act like you don’t matter and she does – that he’s her husband and not yours or else you’ll have problems.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

     

     

  • Unhappy.

    April 11, 2016

    Hi Ladies!!

    I don’t think I’ll ever forget this website. It’s helping me sooo much- emotionally and spiritually. I don’t really have anyone to share this with. 

    Today, I went to sleep until 4am. I don’t know if it was the caffeine or the thought of my friends getting married. I was sooo happy when I got their wedding invitation, but it wasn’t until I shared the good news with my co-wife, I felt like there was something wrong. She didn’t seem ecstatic like me, but then again, my friends who are getting marrried are not “Muslims.” She doesn’t know them and when I had received the RSVP, I said yes!! My dilemma right now is, when I said “Yes,” I honestly do not mind going to the wedding by myself. No one knows that I married a wonderful “Muslim man.” They’re loving and kind people, but I honestly wouldn’t be able to withstand their “what?!!” questions or reactions. My world would feel “DOWN.” This wedding is about -them,- not me or my “personal life.” Or is it? And then, another question that kept concerning me was, how would my co-wife feel if I took our husband to the wedding and not her? I feel like it would be uncalled for. Or is it? I’m soo new to this “polygamous marriage.” Lol Help loll

    Gail- Thank you for being soo open with me. I really needed to hear your side of your story. I hope you’re in a good and peaceful place in life. Blessings!!~

    Anabellah- We don’t have children “yet.” Loll That’s another thing I’m Praying about. I’m waiting to see what God has in store for me and this family.

    And thank you once again for your replies ladies!! 😀 It was greatly appreciated!! ;D

    ❤Unhappy.

  • Gail

    April 1, 2016

    Unhappy,

    No I am not in Polygamy anymore.My husband was married to his cousin and we were dealing with Polygamy for 8 yrs.

       Listen that feeling u are getting when u are all three together is nothing more than tension.I felt the same exact same and it was a twisted sick feeling and it is the hardest feeling to get over to be honest(but with time u will deal with it).Now looking back I see the tension as a sign I did not know my cowife as well I wanted.I don’t think for a second you are plotting evil against your cowife u seem like a nice lady .In your case as in most cases u are trying to figure out where u fit into the bigger picture and how all this is going work long term is my guess.

      I will say this don’t be afraid to have heart to heart talks with your cowife and your husband.Don’t and I repeat don’t feel like u are in a competition with your cowife because u are not.U are sharing your lives as a family so I would suggest to u alot of talking and figuring out and trial and error about everything.

      Ask your cowife straight up that u are a very affectionate person and does it bother her if u are affectionate with hubby around her.The faster u learn to understand each other the smoother things will go in my opinion.Communication is the key and if u can never go to bed angry with hubby or cowife if u can help it.Simplicity is the best life(don’t think to much relax and enjoy) 

       Happy u liked the video it is silly but soooo great!

     

     

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    April 1, 2016

    Unhappy,

    I’m so glad that you are still with us. I was hoping that you are okay. It’s good to hear from you. Thank you for letting us know that you are feeling better. It definitely can get way better for you and you could be back to your normal self before you know it. You’ll barely remember what you went through. You’ll get back to a good place, yet better.

    Allah, in the Holy Quran, promises so much good for the Believer in this world and in the Hereafter. We just have to do what it takes to be that believer.

    It’s good that you and your friend and the children are still hanging in there together and are trying to make things work. I could imagine how difficult it is and how uncomfortable you must feel when the three of you are together. It’s to be expected. Take a day at a time and don’t try to force anything. Work on you and making yourself happy so that your children can feed off the positive forces in you. You’ll be okay. Just take one step at a time – baby steps. You’ll have your good days and your bad ones. You’ll get to ride on the roller coaster of emotions. This too shall pass. It’s just a stage in your life that you’re going through. It’s a process and a journey. You’ll be so glad that you took it, God willing.

    Whenever you want to talk, were here for you, our sister. Lotz of love to you! Chat with you soon, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    April 1, 2016

    Dr. Samantha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. I know that it seems that you’ll feel the way you do now indefinitely, but it doesn’t have to be that way. You need to make your intent that you will be his 3rd wife, knowing that he intends to take a 4th as well or intend to not be bothered with him anymore in terms of marrying him. Consider what he’s already done by marrying a 2nd when you and he had initially intended that you would be the second.

    Is he a man that you really want to be married to? It’s one thing to be married to a man who wants to marry and or marries another woman and it’s another to not be married at all and intending to marry an already married man. Is it worth you get involved in that whole convoluted mess? Allah knows best.

    You need to sort out in your head, if you want to put that man behind you and get a fresh start or marry him because you love him and deal with what comes with it.

    Insha Allah, all that has happen will cause you to turn to Allah and become a better servant to Him by doing all that He tells us in the Holy Quran.

    Please share with us what you intend to do, if you feel so inclined. We’re here, if you’d like to talk some more.

  • Dr Samantha

    April 1, 2016

    Assalam alaikum dear sisters, thank you for your articles, and stories. I was engaged to a wonderful brother whom I lobed dearly.  We had been planning our marriage for 7 months.  When he went and married a second wife last Sept 2015.  He has a first wife for over 10 years, mashallah.  I was going to be his second wife.  He wants me to be his 3rd.  And he wants 4 for ajur.  I love him very much…I have tried to forget what he did…then recently saw some of his wedding photos online…His 2nd  wife had put.  He I felt sick from pain…I feel I cannot ever get over this.  May Allah heal us all ameen.

  • Unhappy.

    March 31, 2016

    I truly feel grateful to know that I have support from y’all. Y’all are like my “sisters.” Loll It TRULY touches my heart. Last weekend, I literally had to have a day by myself. I had so many thoughts, sooo much “emotion,” it was ridiculous, but in the end, I had sooo much peace afterwards. I think I needed a moment(s) with God. I was soo overwhelmed.
    Anabellah, you’re such a sweetheart!! I truly do hope that she and I never become “enemies” or that our friendship would end – that would be dreadful.
    Gail, I really appreciate your honesty, sincerity and openness towards me.
    Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin by how I feel towards everything- polygamy, her(my co-wife) (sad face), when all three of us are hanging out (something inside of me burns. It’s like a dislike or hurt. I suppose it’s the constant reminder of how I have to share my love to someone else-another woman). Gail, are you still in a polygamous marriage?
    This “polygamy marriage” ain’t easy. That’s for sure loll Do y’all think it’ll get better?
    Thanks for listening girls. Love y’all!!~
    P.S. I saw the video called “Stop It” with Bob Newhart and it was hilarious!! Thanks for sharing Gail and to everyone else, ❤!!~

  • Gail

    March 26, 2016

    Unhappy,

    I read your post and just know what u are going through is the beginning stages of Polygamy(u are in the adjustment phase) Listen seriously if your cowife is your bestfriend(which is a blessing make no doubt about it) and u love your your husband then I suggest to u figure out what your exact problem is with polygamy and start fixing your issues.For example u said u can’t show affection to your husband when all three of u are together(why not?) Do u feel uncomfortable or does it have more to do with them being muslim and they don’t show affection(hugs touchy feely in public?)Take note muslims are not really known for alot of public display of affection but I think in your case u are just feeling really weird in this brand new marriage and not really sure where your boundaries are at.
    I would suggest to you when all three of u are together just bring up the topic of this is all brand new to u and you are not sure about showing affection when all three of u are together.I am not muslim either and in the past my cowife and husband were both muslims and 1st cousins so it don’t get much more weird than what I went through to be frank so u can do this and u don’t have to live unhappy at all.I am a firm believer Happiness is a daily choice and one should count their blessings and try to stay positive.
    Listen one thing let me suggest to you something if u want to show affection to your husband and your cowife is there then go ahead but make sure u give her a hug and just make sure she always knows(go out of your way)like a simple hug or compliment her(be loving towards your cowife as well understand) do not just focu on your husband but focus on your polygamous marriage.So many times wives focus on their husbands and ignore their cowife and this is where strife begins so please be smart and be loving towards everyone in your home and your life and your life will go so much smoother.I learned these life lessons after living polygamy I wish someone would have told me to more kind and patient towards my cowife.
    So in final if u r feeling this internal turmoil stirring u up inside don’t feed into it. There is this youtube video u can look up named “Stop It” with Bob Newhart it is so funny and yet it goes perfectly for women in Polygamy!Hugsss

  • anabellah

    March 25, 2016

    Unhappy,

    It’s rare that one has a very good friend who is a co-wife. I hope you both remain friends throughout. Some friendships have been known to end once the variable change – as in they become married to the same man.

    If you just want to talk, we’re here for you 🙂 Love to you! I hope you’ll be happy soon.

  • Unhappy.

    March 25, 2016

    Anabellah,
    I really appreciate your comment/your reply. I am really happy to be sharing this with at LEAST SOMEONE you know lol
    I really don’t want to tell my best friend because I honestly can’t. I don’t feel comfortable. I was the one who agreed to be part of this. No one forced me to and she has been the BEST co-wife anyone could ask for!! She is the sweetest!! No joke!! Keep me in your Prayers guys. I just hope that my sadness goes away through the help of God. I don’t know how, but I really hope God soothes my pain. Love you guys~

  • anabellah

    March 24, 2016

    Unhappy, Welcome!

    I’m glad you found this blog. We’ll try to help you as best we can. I definitely know what you are feeling and it does hurt and awful lot. In the beginning it could seem doable and you’re alright with it for a moment and then BAM – the reality hits you and KNOCK you out! Anything I would tell you would be from an Islamic perspective and you’re not Muslim, so I don’t know much of what to say other than I know what you’re going through.

    Have you spoken with your husband and your best friend/co-wife about what you’re feeling and going through? How did it come about that you got mixed up in polygamy? I’m assuming you were single and your best friend said hey, lets share my husband since were bestees and I want the best for you.

  • Unhappy.

    March 24, 2016

    I wasn’t going to share this AT ALL, but when it comes down to it,…it’s eating me inside. It HURTS A LOTTT. Anywho, this whole “polygamy journey” just started for me. I haven’t even completed a month and there’s times, I don’t even want to be in the same bedroom. I just want to run awayyy and escape. Runnn. My “husband” is a good man. We are all aware of each other. The other wife is my best friend. It just hurts when I can’t be affectionate when all three of us are in public areas. I am not in liberty to be free and open when all of us are together. I am not a Muslim, but they both love me dearly no joke!! I just thought it was time I opened up to some people even if they were “cyber people,” but at this point I need consolation, I NEED PEACE. Love you guys, Peace be with You~

  • Gail

    August 7, 2015

    Feeling Betrayed,
    In your situation I would divorce him.I don’t feel he is a good character and 6 times sends a message he will do it again.It is just not worth for esp since u have no desire to live polygamy just get out and leave this man.

  • anabellah

    August 6, 2015

    @Feeling betrayed,

    You said your feelings got in the way. It happens. Don’t beat up on yourself. Things always work out. It’s good not to let anger guide you and to let Allah handle your affairs, as you stated. Good for you. We’re here if you want to talk some more. Your situation is difficult, as you said. You can’t go wrong by turning it over to Allah.

  • Feeling betrayed

    August 6, 2015

    Thank you for your response Ana, a red flag did go up but my feelings got in the way. I have been contemplating about my situation and decided to not let anger be my guide, though it is difficult I will let God handle my affairs.

  • anabellah

    July 31, 2015

    A lot of Muslim men are cowards. They take advantage of the privilege to live polygamy, but are not man enough to stand up and live it correctly. They have to sneak, hide and lie the same as some non-Muslims do. They are no better than the non-believer. If they live like non-believers they are non-believers.

  • anabellah

    July 31, 2015

    @Feeling betrayed, Welcome to the 411

    I totally understand how you feel betrayed. I’d imagine I’d feel the same as you should, if I was in your shoes. My question to you is – didn’t a red flag go up or a light bulb light up in your head when he let you know he had been married and divorced to 6 women? Who does that unless it’s an Elizabeth Taylor or some other celebrity? I know many Muslims are running up into and out of marriages – which amounts to dating, CALLING IT MARRIAGE, and then divorcing. They think they deceive Allah??? In your case it may be a bit different. The women may have fled the marriage from him.

    The majority of Muslims on this planet are in a pathetic state. These Muslim men are marrying women and are already married, but don’t let the newcomer know until it is too late. They don’t tell the wives about each other, and make at least one of the wives a secret. It is so very much uncalled for. Polygamy makes it uncalled for. There is no Islamic reason or excuse for it.

    You, as a non-Muslim, is not expected to live a life of a Muslim because you are not Muslim. For your husband to have FORCED polygamy on you is absolutely WRONG. Islam and any parts of it is NOT to be forced upon ANY ONE. There is no compulsion in Islam. No one should be forced to live Islam. Allah determines who will and will not be Muslim. A Muslim should not be force to live Islam either. If your husband wants to engage in polygamy, fine and good for him, but who is he to put it upon you???

    These men wait until the women are emotionally involved with them and/or married and then hit the wives with the fact that they have another or other wives. They tell the most recently married wife that the other wife can’t know about her, lowering the newcomer to the status of a secret wife/ mistress. Polygamy gives a man no reason whatsoever to have a secret mistress.

    I’d venture to say he had six divorces because he bamboozled and deceived the others the same way he did you and they said to Hell with it. They left the marriage. Allah knows best. Who wants to live with and continue to love such a man? He only thought of himself and about satisfying his own desires. It makes me want to vomit. His wife of 16 years is where his heart apparently is.

    What should you do? Only you could answer it, as you are the one in love with the man. He has let you know that you are a secret. Are you willing to settle for a mistress and secret wife status? You are not Muslim, so you don’t even need to consider living in a polygamous marriage. Are you willing to become Muslim and live the lifestyle? You’ve got to find the answers for you.

    It angers me that there are so many screwed up (so called) Muslims in the world. Many of them are a sad bunch of people.

  • Feeling betrayed

    July 31, 2015

    I am a non-muslim and recently married ( within the last two months) a muslim man. He told me that he was not presently married but has practiced polygamy in the past, he state’s he had also been married and divorced with six different women. During a conversation he told me he was still married to one of the wives for the last 16 years and that he wanted more in his relationship. This hit me hard and I feel betrayed because I asked him on several occasions if he was still married to any of the wives. I now have mixed feelings about him and the relationship and am looking for some guidance I did not want to be a polygamous relationship and this was explained to him prior to our marriage and he state’s that the other wife does not know about me.

  • anabellah

    July 14, 2015

    @Miriam_muslimah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Welcome to our home. Insha Allah, you’ll make it your home, as well. I’m delighted you are here. 🙂

    I have said many times here that much of what I write about and we talk about here is what we’ve all experienced in some form of another. At least 99% of us have. It’s why the more people who join in the discussions the more we realize just how much we all have in common. We’re all very much alike. After all, it (polygamy) is a part of our way of life.

    I know just how distressed you must be. You’re not alone in having experienced what you’re going through. I can tell you for certain that the pain does go away and you will be happy, if you just focus all your attention on Allah, and wanting to serve Him. It’s all a process. It’s doable.

    If you’d like to talk about anything, we’re here. Only speak about whatever you are most comfortable with. It’s best you speak over on the July discussion thread, so we don’t lose you over here. Here’s the link to the July 2015 discussions thread https://www.polygamy411.com/july-2015-discussions/ It’s been a bit quiet lately probably due to Ramadan. Again, it’s good to have you here with us.

  • Miriam_muslimah

    July 14, 2015

    Aslm wr wb. I feel as tho this has been written for me! I am in a polygamous marriage and currently thinking a lot about divorce.. So many problems heartache and trouble has risen from the situation.. I need help and guidance my sisters in Islam. Please make dua for me x

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone!

    @Ruquayyah,

    Nice Post! I agree that trying to “punish” a husband because he doesn’t do what we want is not the way to go. He’s only doing what Allah decreed. It’s sooooooo very easy for us to lose sight of that fact. REMEMBERING ALLAH is the key. When we remember Allah, we remember He wrote the script and then we have peace in our lives and peace in our marriages. Allah says remembrance of Him is the greatest thing without doubt.

    If something happens that the husband has to take care of, during the one wife’s time or a holiday falls on the other wife’s time and she wanted him there with her, she may become upset initially, but as soon as she REMEMBERS ALLAH and that He wrote the script, she gets over it and become at peace with Allah’s decision. All is good. It’s all about accepting Allah’s decision. It’s not to say that if a wife thinks the husband has done something wrong she can’t speak on it to him.

    I find when we try to punish someone else for what Allah decreed we punish ourselves as well. We feel badly and the husband feels badly. Who knows what the other wife feels, she may feel glad. Allah knows best.

    As I stated, it’s soooo very easy for us to forget. When we remember Allah we see right. I love my wali’s wife. I’d love to be more like her. She is so easy going. She mostly just goes with the flow, whatever it is, unless it’s a situation in which Allah lets us know we are to act. For instance, Allah tells us when an unjust wrong is done to us we should not be cowed, but defend ourselves. Insha Allah, we’ll get to the point we know when to fight and when to let things be.

    Much of what we speak of about Allah’s decree will not be received by the masses of Muslims and non-Muslims who don’t believe in the power of Allah and His decree. They think they make things happen – that people make things happen. I say this, as I know there are people who want to jump in and snap heads off saying they don’t agree.

    The above is only for those who believe in the decree of Allah.

  • Shabanah

    January 27, 2015

    Ruqqaya I enjoyed reading the example you gave us about what you do when your hubby and you get into it. You’re a sweetheart.

  • Ruqayyah

    January 27, 2015

    @Laila, I do honestly care about you. Really I considered not even mentioning it but I know what you’re doing because I’m like you, I “punish” him for not doing as I wanted. But really the day is his to run errands and work etc. I just wanted to advise you that when it comes to his kids they may always come first, no matter what, it’s best not to let it effect you and your marriage, yes he could organise his time better but there may come a day when inshallah when you are blessed with your own child where that child needs him during the day. It would hurt the child a lot to hear that he won’t be there because he has another wife. We can’t control our husbands (evident by the fact that he went regardless) so don’t try to, just ask that he repay that set amount of time back to you the next day during her time. Breathe easy sis, it’s no big deal and even if she is manipulating the situation sometimes the best way to make them see what is happening is to take a step back and let him learn himself, seriously. Just pray that he see’s what’s happening, that the truth comes to light. Because he may just feel that you are causing problems where there is none.

    As for me saying that it was “bull” you could have made him leave his family. I’m sorry but only Allah has that power, no wife. Yes he may have stayed in a hotel, he may have given you the impression you had control over him staying or leaving her, but really its only an illusion. Allah controlled him and made him go back to her. It’s good your intention was not to harm her or her marriage, but we can’t be arrogant and think that we can control him.

    I’m realising this now because my husband always promised I was in control he said he would never marry again unless I approved.. but really Allah has already destined who/if he will remarry. Controlling or seeking to control him only makes him more determined to do what he wants even if it’s wrong. It only harms ourselves, trust me I’ve started to when he does something I hate send him the sweetest message and say “come home when you’re ready, I know you need some space, I know u needed to go out” etc.I let him know I disliked what he is doing before he leaves but when it’s followed up by that message usually I’ll get a gift, or he will come home sooner and attempt to change himself so as not to hurt me again next time.

  • Shabanah

    January 26, 2015

    I’m cracking u laughing reading the ten kinds of crazy description of Ana hahahaha who would’ve known. People do have a way of pushing your buttons and making you go there. I’m glad and calmed down lol.

  • Shabanah

    January 26, 2015

    Coco hahahaha I love that statement as well from Kim. I couldn’t believe she said that. She was so boring sober. Had nothing to talk about except her dog lol. I loved Brando when she was under Lisa and kens wing too. She turned on them she could’ve called Lisa up and hashed out her petty problems but instead she made it the highlight of the show. I like both Lisa and Eileen too but I’m still getting to know them. So far so good. Yolanda is just gorgeous all around and her house is exquisite her kids are drop dead gorgeous.

    Marie I think hearing your baby’s heartbeat is the best part of pregnancy. That and their movements. I’m so happy for you.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I am sooooo happy for you, Sis!!! So we’re going to have a healthy little beautiful bambino. Yeah baby!!! What wonderful news.

    You have no need to apologize. You’re just as normal as the rest of us. We’ve all got our days sigh. It’s all good. I think what makes this blog nice is that we can keep it real here. We don’t have to pretend. You know me from the old blog when I was able to let lose and let people know exactly what was going on, how I was feeling and more LOL Yes, Marie, I agree with you. I’ve come a looooong ways from when I used to go “10 kinds of crazy” on people LOL. I used to be a mess…

    @Shabanah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    It’s good you are here with us now. The older version of the blog was quite interesting. I had far less patience and tolerance than I do now. I used to go, as Marie said, “10 kinds of crazy on people.” I used to lose my mind at times. seriously LOL. I thew people off the blog, shut it down once for a few day or a week. I can’t remember which. I flipped out on people. A family of a bunch of teenagers who were a product of a polygamous marriage showed up for a time and wreaked havoc on the blog. And a teenage girl whom I still don’t know whether she was part of that family was here. The first bunch I mentioned was a family of about 10 kids (I’ve exaggerated the numbers a bit) the mother left, leaving the little monstrosities with the polygamous father. Some of them decided to pop in on the blog. Some mothers showed up in defense of them when my tolerance was low and I couldn’t deal with play time any longer. There were quite a few non-Muslims here who were very nice and helpful. There were haters that showed up and disrupted the blog for days on end. It was eventful. I was new to the life of polygamy. I didn’t know anything. We we’re all just learning and feeling our way around. The topic of the posts were mainly of a few characters that I spoke of that I speak of no longer. I try to moderated and leave my life out of the blog because, as you know, people know who I am. It’s all good. It nice moderating more. It still take quite a bit of work to keep up though. You really didn’t miss much. I think this version of the blog is much better. We are all more mature and knowledgeable and it makes a world of difference. So forget about yesterday and let just keep it moving forward {{{hugs}}} XXOO You didn’t miss a whole lot – other than chaos 🙂

  • coco

    January 26, 2015

    Marie
    You must be so ecstatic to hear your baby’s heartbeat I’m sooooo sooooo happy for you! mashAllah ☺️ Stay blessed love xo

  • coco

    January 26, 2015

    Shabanah
    I DO! I DO! Hehehehe you know I actually liked Brandi especially when she was under Lisa and Ken’s wing, she seemed much more well behaved than this season. She becomes so trashy when drunk I find her soooooo annoying now! I’m loving Eileen and Lisa Rina a great addition to the bunch. I am absolutely enamoured by Yolanda but surprisingly everyone who watches the show especially in LA hates her, they find her to be fake and annoying yet I find her to be way classy, so enveloped in humility and she never adds fuel to the fire always trying to calm things down. She’s just got that very calm kind happy ora around her that I know I and many thrive for. Omg I HATE to admit that I prefer Kim as a drunk hot mess as opposed to sober as well hahahahah she just says the most funniest things leaving my mouth opened! My favourite line to date is when she says to Ken “I’m tired of your f***ing mouth, you’re a big stubborn OLD MAN! lmao poor thing got so humiliated. I love that you’re into this show love! *high five* ☺️ xo

  • coco

    January 26, 2015

    Laila
    Thanks for your warm words ☺️ Ooo late night snacking is the WORSTTTTT! I find chewing gum works pretty well. Apples are a key item when trying to shed weight it’s filling and yes it does wonders for the skin so a win win situation yeah! I’ve been very avid with the monthly pampering as well the facials, hair treatment, manicure, pedicure and the most mandatory massages. It relaxes, refreshes and totally destresses one. Looks like you got your transformation on the way! mashAllah Good luck love! xo

  • coco

    January 26, 2015

    Ana
    I’ve heard from pretty much everybody how ahhhhhmazing “American Sniper” is and the grossed 90 million speaks for how good it most definitely is! Culture sure does reign over religion in many matters. It’s considered unacceptable to marry a older woman, divorced woman or a widowed woman especially in our parents generation while the younger lot don’t really care anymore just as polygamy is considered disgraceful especially for a woman entering 2nd, 3rd or 4th. Being far from religion is the cause of such permissible things being frowned upon and to me that’s disgraceful! I agree our Prophet Muhammad pbuh led the perfect example of what’s permitted and not permitted when marrying someone so why do we worry of what people will think who follow culture that is a closer version to Hinduism rather than Islam? Why are we still led astray? It’s saddening… I would throw in a emoticon where the hands go up in wonder BUT you never shared how to so just imagine it being there love! hahahahahahha ☺️ xo

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    Person away from her to avoid a domestic violence situation. If one knows her temper is such that she’ll go off the deep end with him there, he best not come home.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    This is quick cuz on in my car, on my phone. You made me laugh when you said he is your husband. He is not your child. Excellent point! Laila could let him come home and blow him off- not sexually – I mean not talk to him. But, then sometimes a person need a

  • ummof4

    January 26, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Well, it had been quiet here for a while, and Ruqayyah and Laila make it a little exciting. But I know you two have nothing but love for each other, just a small sister spat.

    To Laila and others. The man is the head of the household, how can we tell them not to come home? Not me, I don’t care how upset I may be with my husband, I want him with me as much as our schedule permits. If he does something I believe is incorrect, I don’t try to punish him or set him straight by doing something negative to him. We discuss it and he tries not to repeat the action. He is my husband, not my child.

  • Shabanah

    January 26, 2015

    @coco omg you watch the real housewives of Beverly Hills too? Brandi is so unpredictable and nasty I can’t stand her. She says she hates having that anxiety when she goes to events and the animosity in the air is thick yet she keeps repeatedly doing things that causes the anxiety. She’s too much. My favourite housewife is yolanda. She’s amazingly beautiful in every aspect. Poor Kim going backwards she’s definitely drinking again. I like the alcoholic Kim better then the sober Kim lol.

  • Marie

    January 26, 2015

    Hey all,

    Just popping in to apologise for my rampage. It seems satan caught me slippin. Laila sorry if I attacked you. Yes, I know I’m pregnant, but there’s no excuse. Ana, thanks for not going 10 kinds of crazy on me, you’ve made a lit of progress since I first joined the blog, Alhamdulilah.

    Laila, do you think you could go along on the trips to the airport. If he has errands to run with the kids, I don’t see why you couldn’t go along for the ride. If the mother is playing games then you’ll know, but if it’s a case of the boy just needs a lift, she won’t mind you joining them.

    The scan went fine, Alhamdulilah, saw the heartbeat, so I guess we can tell all know .

  • Laila

    January 26, 2015

    Shabanah. Ive lived with my husband long enough to know what rattles his chains. So by not allowing him to come back after the airport trip. I win. I know I may sound mean. But he needs to learn to organize his other side just like he always tellsme to always get organized.

  • Laila

    January 26, 2015

    Oh goodness. This is getting so out of hand. Yes I was upset but not for long guys. It is my way of setting up rules. Its a take it or leave attitude from my part and he does not like it one bit. So, my husband is such. He hates being kicked out to the kirb 🙂

  • Shabanah

    January 26, 2015

    Ana wa alaikum salaam. What were some of the topics spoken of on the older blog if you don’t mind my asking? I often think of this. I so wish I was here then. I had no emotional support system. No one who understood where I was coming from.

  • Shabanah

    January 26, 2015

    Well if the son ALWAYS seems to be scheduled to depart on laila’s days then I find it a coincidence and a doing of the co. Ruqayya you haven’t experienced women in polygamy yet they can be little evil witches the co could definitely be manipulating the situation to get a reaction from Laila. Then again y’all said the boy is about 20 maybe he has a clever mind of his own and naturally will be on his moms side and schedule his departure when he knows d@mn we’ll his father is supposed to be with Laila. On the other hand this might not be. And if it isn’t then Laila I can’t remember i think you said you didn’t have kids so just like ruqqaya wouldn’t understand the situation bc she’s not yet in a polygamous relationship yet you may not understand the extent parents would go for their kids no matter how old or young so instead of cancelling your hubby’s time with u then u should suck it up bc in the end you are the only one getting hurt and sitting at home alone while your hubby done forgot your irritation and just might be getting his freak on with the co.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    @Shabanah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I would like to hear your take and others on what Ruqayyah and Laila were discussing, if you don’t mind sharing it. Everyone pretty much know mine as I’ve written about it here and in the newest post/thread already. It’s not a matter of taking sides, just giving perspectives.

  • Shabanah

    January 26, 2015

    As Salaamu alaikum. Good day to all. Still Alice sounds awesome. I want to watch it so I was careful while reading coco and anas take on it. Woah Laila and ruqqaya yall are turning up the heat in here. I understand where both of you are coming from though. But I dont want to add fuel to the fire with my opinion. Laila I see you mentioned fertility doctor it brings back memories before I conceived my second child my tubes were blocked the doctor just gave me a solution but didn’t tell me the cause (the joys of living abroad) it was an emotional roller coaster but alhumdullilaah I was treated and got knocked up shortly after lol. I hope you too be blessed with the journey of motherhood. It’s wonderful.

  • Lynn

    January 26, 2015

    A fixed schedule is still the best. A flexible one will not do me any good – just too complicated. But it will be a different matter when it comes to the death of immediate family members. Birthdays, anniversaries etc can be celebrated way in advance or even delayed.

    Eid is super important for me and kids and alhamdulillah hubby had made a point to celebrate the 1st day of eid with us even when he is scheduled to be there but he will replace the days.

    To each his own – everyone has personal their preference and there is no standard rules.

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to Everyone out their in cyberspace

    I have written a new post, which, Insha Allah, will be helpful to us all

    https://www.polygamy411.com/no-peace-polygamous-marriages/

    It’s after 2:00 a.m. where I am, so I will now retire to the boudoir, if it pleases Allah. Adios Amigos…

  • Laila

    January 26, 2015

    Dear Coco. Great to hear from you, always bubbly and lovely! 😉 Yes I am on a regime woman! No late night snacks. My fertility doctor told me the weight gain was due to multiple miscarriages. So time to get healthy and beautiful. Im also starting on my extra supplements intake. Im taking green apples and must say it does wonders for my skin. I am on my monthly discipline of a facial, medicure and pedicure. So time to take care of myself.

  • Laila

    January 26, 2015

    Dear Ruqayyah. I find that commenting to you increases my stress levels way high. Maybe you have your point of view and I am leaving it at that. Oh yes. Maybe you know my story well, you are after all my neighbour. We share sugar, cream and have coffees together in the evenings. So with my bits and pieces posts, please don’t assume. Its not an intelligent move. What are you implying really? That second wives don’t care?…. good luck with polygamy on your side. Oh yes. Flexibility? Nope. Stick to the schedule as per arranged. Flexibility comes when there are celebrations, birthdays etc. Till then, no change would be great.

    And yes. There was a time he left them and stayed in a hotel for a
    month. Its an old story. But it did happen. So whos bull shit is it now?

  • Ruqayyah

    January 25, 2015

    I do understand the extent to which omen play games. But seriously its his kid you could have rescheduled ylur time instead you gage it up all togethdr. There needs to be some flexibility on your side too. And its bull you could have made him leave his family. If you had that kind of power or if he disliked them that much he would have left even if you begged him to stay with them. Heoves his other family just as he loves you and you must have put him in a difficult spot saying chose between our day together or seeing ylur son off.

    Yes perhaps I’m “no where near ready for polygany” too bad second wives and husband’s don’t care so I gotta get ready for it which ii am doing. Hubs got another proposal last week. I encouragred him to meet thr girl as he “so wants polygany” but he refused, so I’m still stucj in limbo until furthrr notice.

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2015

    @coco,

    Yes, it’s “The American Sniper”. Could you believe it grossed like 90 million dollars when it opened?

    I could understand how you’d be turned off and grossed out by the thought of your cousin as a romantic interest, having treated him like a younger sibling for years. The thought probably makes you feel like some type of perv and make you want to vomit.

    It’s interesting that Pakistani’s culture frown on a woman being older than the man in marriage. It just goes to show how culture reign over Islam there. Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) the wife of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) when he was monogamous was 15 years older than he and they were married for 25 years. He’s one of our examples, so why should the age be a question? I’m not asking you. It’s a rhetorical question.

    Well, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite LOL

  • coco

    January 25, 2015

    Ana
    Yes Julianne sure did the role impeccably! Kristin Stewart is absolutely gorgeous people give her a hard time for being a pot head but that’s her personal life as an actress she manages to have presence in her roles. I loved how she started off as a selfish underdog in the family it doesn’t really matter if you can’t always be there in the good times but true character is shown when one pulls through in ones bad times. I kinda loved the ending there’s very few people that can handle sickness especially of one that leaves a loved one unable to recognize you. I’ve loved Alec Baldwin ever since I saw him in “It’s Complicated” he made manipulation seem cute lol This movie got me more motivated to exercise and drink loads of water it’s scary! Ooo and about being 8 years younger it’s hitting me because I always treated him like a kid brother and he refers to me by an elder sister term used in Urdu lol so it’s just weird for me. In Pakistani culture a girl being older is frowned upon so I was thinking from his parents perspective they will think I lured poor little naive him lol I’m not much of an ageist my intended is a few years younger than myself, I don’t mind a guy being younger unless of course he looks younger and isn’t mentally stable my dad was quiet a lot of crazy for me to handle growing up lol Btw are you talking about “American Sniper”? Okie it’s a little over 2 here gonna head to bed so I can make it for fajr prayer inshAllah
    Much love xo

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2015

    @coco,

    The hubz and I just finished watching, “Still Alice”. He had brought a bunch of movies home last week and “Still Alice” was one of them. I forgot he had said he bought a movie with Julianne Moore in it for me. He knows I like Julianne Moore. The movie left me anxious, but appreciative of life. Julianne did an excellent job, as usual. I think the actress from “Twilight” is so pretty and I’ve always liked Alec Baldwin. I didn’t like how the movie ended.The hubz thought it was a good way to end it, as there weren’t any better options. I suppose The movie was a tear jerker. We’ve got to remember to drink plenty of water and get exercise. You said you were going to begin running again. I don’t like running. I like working out though with dvds, once I get started. I heard the movie, “Sniper” is good. We have that one, as well. Insha Allah, we’ll watch it sooner or later.

    Being eight years older than a guy isn’t bad. I’m eight years older than my hubz. His ex-wife was ten years older. We’re compatible and there isn’t any noticeable difference. I don’t think of myself as a cougar. I suppose there are worse things to be LOL If I were you, I think I’d be a bit perturbed if my relative wanted me to marry a disturbed person. Seriously??? Yeah, right. I don’t think so.

  • coco

    January 25, 2015

    Ana & Shabanah
    Yeah it was wayyyyyyy creepy I’m not worried about it happening as I am quite pleased with whom I’m intended to Alhumdulilah. Luckily my parents had made clear to the entire family that either of us two would not marry cousins since we’ve been raised in the west and consider all cousins to be siblings. I’m just horrified of him even mentioning this to his parents he’s 8 years younger WHAT WOULD THEY THINK! Knowing a Pakistani’s mentality they will think that I got him gaga over me lol in this culture the parents always make their kid right and the others wrong to save face in the family OMGERDDD!!!!!!! My mother is pretty pissed about the situation it’s kinda true sometimes being kind to another bites you in the a$$ down the lane oh well “Cest La Vie” right? Ana the movie is “Still Alice” I would have hated for you to order the film and end up with Alice which is another flick hehehe This movie pertains to dealing with a rare form of Alzheimer’s. Julianne’s role walks through the process of how a beautifully intelligent complete being can deteriorate. You might need a box of tissues I know I did! She so deserved the Emmy I’m sure the Oscar is going to her too. Ooo Shabanah you got me drooling like Homer Simpson for a Krispie Kreme doughnut at 11 pm NOT FAIR lol I promise to eat a few glazed ones in your honor ☺️ As the Italianos say ciao bellas! ❤️ xo

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2015

    @coco, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m getting back to you, as I said I would, my friend. I certainly did missed you soooo much. I began writing you an email yesterday to inquire whether you and your family are okay, but in the mist of writing it, my hubz called me as brunch was ready. I left the message in draft form. Now I can delete it, knowing you and your family are well.

    About your cousin, it is way creepy, especially since cousins are permitted to marry. You’d be right in line with the customs though. Pakistani’s are notorious for marrying cousins. I doubt you’d marry a cousin with psych issues though. It’s not a good look. Ya know what I’m saying?

    I’m very happy you stopped in and chatted with us a bit. Insha Allah, I will watch the movie, “Alice”. I just love, love, love Julianne Moore as an actress. She’s one of my favorites. I still have to try to find a way to fit in, “How to get away with Murder” that Shabanah wants me to watch.

    Until we meet up again, Chow (bye in Italian). You probably already new it he,he,he,

  • Shabanah

    January 25, 2015

    Coco my dear, my eyes almost popped out their sockets when I saw your coco puffs name. Boy am I happy to hear from you woman. It’s been awhile. Girl do you “got it going on” (as Ana says lol). You need a vacay. When you go to the states make sure you eat some Krispy Kreme donuts on my behalf.

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2015

    @Marie,

    You did that! WELL SAID! WELL SAID!!! I could not have said it better. Alhumdulliah. You don’t know how good it feels to know people who get it. Lynn and her hubz gets it too. I hold onto an awesome saying of her hubz

    People believe alright; they believe in themselves… 🙁

  • Marie

    January 25, 2015

    Asalamu alaykum all.

    ohhh, the subject of will. you cannot make someone understand or accept will-Allahs will. its purely a matter of belief, as we know, not everyone believes. Allah says it over and over, that people say they believe when in fact they don’t.

    Will, is one of the 13 attributes that Allah mentions repeatedly throughout the quran. some scholars say, that without knowing, and believing in these attributes one cannot worship Allah correctly because one doesn’t know who Allah is and to deny any of these attributes is disbelief (kuffer).

    Allah is the only god, the only One who brings things from a state of non existence into a state of existence, before an action takes place at a specific time and place, it does not exist. people, actions, places, time, space. non of this existed until Allah WILLED it to exist.

    now, how are we responsible, if we don’t “chose”. Allah says that our good deeds are based on our intentions, together with good deeds and the mercy of Allah some will enter Jannah. for a good deed to be good, you need to have done it to please Allah, to gain reward and be saved from the fire. your responsible for how you direct your intentions, we are given a guide (the quran) to tell us the difference between good and bad. good and evil are from Allah, everything is from Allah. An intention doesn’t ‘make’ things happen, and doesn’t change the outcome of a situation.

    If people really had will, the world would be in chaos, people will be willing left, right and centre. for those who believe they can will, then will yourself pious, will to die in that state and then will for mercy so that you will enter jannah.

    we cant pick and chose what is our will and what is Allahs will. I think we do this when we are upset with what has been destined for us, and wouldnt dare to be angry with Allah

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2015

    Oooops everyone, I had to remove a Surah and ayah from a post. I cited the wrong one. Inshallah later I’ll obtain the correct one.

    Hey coco, 🙂

    You’ve been missed much here. Welcome back. Insha Allah, I’ll be back to read you.

  • coco

    January 25, 2015

    Assalaamualeikum and a massive Hello to all the gorgeous sisters!!

    It’s been quite a mission to try to keep up with all the comments here. There’s this huge power outage in Karachi that’s left me with no wifi so I thought this is a perfect time to write out to my gorgeous sisters here as I’ve been procrastinating in hopes to write when clear headed since there’s so much I will try to cram it so it doesn’t turn into a short story lol So here goes… I was busy for over a week at the hospital my cousin is bi-polar and has an acute form of scritzophenia. My brother and myself have always been really attached to him since he was in his early teens we took him on as a little brother. He’s labeled sorta the black sheep in the family he’s made some mistakes as many do but was shamed instead of mentored. We always motivated him to be a better person turn to Allah and prayer try to forgive and forget but it’s been a struggle for him. Anyways he got admitted into the psych ward as he got very violent and aggressive with his family. We try to maintain a distance with his family and him as his parents don’t like the bond he shares with my mom and us they fail to realize all we ever did for him is listened to him when he needed someone to talk to without judgement yet they called several times after cutting ties for 2 years with us saying he is getting very violent and keeps asking for me that she’s the only one I can trust call her or else. So I got there and he was saying the most bizarre things as he’s also back on drugs, he thinks he is Imam Mehdi the doctors said its all hallucinations I later learned he was watching religious videos on YouTube the night prior to the incident. He kept referring to me as an angel and stuff like I have the touch of an angel and he sees past my beauty and skin all he sees is the pain in my eyes and that’s my beauty. He was crying that your the perfect girl but I can’t marry you because your an angel. When he spoke to my brother he started shivering, sweating and crying that your an angel and his voice was angelic. It got a bit too weird for me last night as he told me I’m driving him crazy and he feels fearless in my presence that he loves me and wants to marry me, this was all a bit too much for me as I always took him as my younger brother and he basically pissed all over a precious sibling bond we shared. He’s 8 years younger than me lol I’m a bit flattered but not cougar material lol this situation is a bit too nutzo for me to handle. He gave me two years to get married or he won’t leave me since he always gets what he wants hmmmmm I’m a tad bit petrified! I can’t tell him that I’m committed because I’m very private so I have cut contact as I’m not comfortable with the situation now I hope and pray I don’t have to face him again. I’m a bit aggravated that my trip to the states has been delaying or I wouldn’t have been here to deal with this REALLY cray cray situation. We tend to plan but Allah has His own plans so looks like one more month here before I head out. So my side has been disturbingly eventful to say then least lol

    Ana
    My enlightening sister you’ve wrote a few noteworthy posts I’ve been reading up tea time through out the days. I’ve missed you too just had soooooooo much going on and my only way to cope was to sleep all day lol it works when I’m mentally drained. Ana you should watch Still Alice I really liked it a lovely performance by Julianne Moore. It’s a good watch but nowhere near something like gone girl and Anna. About the current discussion going on here I love how you can give your earnest point of view without involving your emotions you’re very just irrespective of any ache you may have experienced and its a gift sister! xo ❤️

    Shabanah
    I thank you for all the love I’ve missed you especially babe! I reckon cleaning is your way of coping or de-stressing that’s probably one of the the only things you feel you have control over so organizing things are one of the few things that you can put into order I get it. You got me all excited I’m also an avid watcher of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” love Love LOVE all of them crazy rich gorgeous woman lol I’ve been compared by my friends to being Lisa Vanderpump by nature lol I would have preferred being dubbed Kim hahahahahhaha she’s absolutely crazy fun poor thing is getting looney again! xo ❤️

    Sara
    Here’s a late welcome to the blog I know it’s a bit late but better late than never yeah? ☺️ You seem to be keeping yourself in a positive state and are absorbing everyone’s words like a sponge mashAllah keep patient sister you will attain solace here inshAllah I’m sure it’s evident to you by now that you’re by no means alone and will always have ears for when you need to let out some tears or steam. Hang in there… xo

    Laila
    As I usually state I value reading your posts you’ve got a strong empowering streak from a second wives perspective. I read a few days back you were going to get back to your routine of running. I am too I stopped running for about two years I’ve gained some unwanted pounds so started working out along with running. I’ve been working out to belly dancing aerobics and Zumba which makes me laugh half of the time as its a bit too upbeat for 7 in the morning lol just thought I’d throw in that I’ve downloaded this app called “Lose it” you should check it out you can enter your weight and goal and it calculates how many calories you should limit to reach your goal in the time you have set. You can log your daily meals and snacks as well as enter your workout I find it quite motivating and in my case it’s a great reminder to make one aware that you have munched on 6 cookies and it’s maybe time to stop now lol xo☺️

    Mari2
    Yayyyyyyyyyy the MIL is gone! Mabroooooooooook lol aren’t you enjoying the liberty of walking around wearing whatever you want?! Hehehe I hope she hasn’t been causing problems from seven seas away for you. xo

    Gail
    Looks like you seem to be enjoying yourself in your new home? Hope you and your lil munchkins are doing well too. Stay blessed! xo

    Lynn
    It’s always great to hear from someone who’s persevered through the pain. Stay blessed xo

    I gotta leave everyone with a usual quote lol please do keep me in your duas
    Much love to all you beautiful beings ❤️xo

    Pain is a treasure, for it contains mercies.
    Rumi

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2015

    Without a doubt everyone is accountable for everything associated with him or herself. It’s not just a matter of blaming everything on Allah. I apologize if you got the impression it’s what I was saying.

  • Shabanah

    January 25, 2015

    Ana im not sure who you were referring to in your post but you can’t point fingers assuming who is a firm believer in Allah if he or she does or does not believe in such and such. I for one do believe in Allah and the last day and everything in the Holy Quran word from word without a doubt as well as hadith. Only Allah knows whats in the hearts of us.

  • Shabanah

    January 25, 2015

    I do not wish to get into any religious debate as this is not the time or place for it. Im just seeing a lot of Allah willed this and that and little responsibility being taken for wrongdoings.

  • Laila

    January 25, 2015

    Oh yes, there was a time where I could have made him leave his family. But in all seriousness, will I be happy burning another persons marriage? Can I even look at myself in mornings? Yes, I can do that. Never underestimate a womans tenacity and determined nature. But that is not my character and not the way I was brought up.
    I hope you understand how hurtful your language can be at times to others. You are not even ready for polygamy. You have no idea of how complicated and difficult it van be when dealing with other people. Even if you are straight and want to have a peaceful situation, it does not guarantee that the other wife is on the same page as you.

  • Laila

    January 25, 2015

    Ruqayyah rather than saying it to your face that tou will never understand because you aren’t in a polygamous relationship. I will say this. Polygamy is complicated. Not everyone follows a rule book which is a standard practise all over he world. What may be acceptable in my books may be not the same for you. You are referring to the context of your father having only one wife. I did compromise early in my marriage. But it was for the kids. Im no saint. Trust me on that. But when you have to share a husband only then will you know or learn to what extent women do to play games. So I understand where you are coming from, but my time is my time. And no, I never made hubbs choose. I made him organize himself better so that nobody gets hurt all the time.

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2015

    Insha Allah, I’m going to bed now. It’s 2:10 a.m. where I am. I’ll check back around Fajr time. Over and Out!

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2015

    I hear you lynn. I’m tracking… You know I know!

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2015

    First wives are not superior to 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wives. Many first wives get it twisted talking about what they will accept and what they won’t, as though they are some type of Princess or God. You could hear on this blog the arrogance of some of the wives who married first. Allah has a way of bringing people down to size. Don’t get too big for your breeches. It’s why wives who marry first suffer so much. They are arrogant and haughty… They behave the same as Iblis (Satan) did.

  • Lynn

    January 25, 2015

    “It’s usually the women who never expected it or said they’d never accept it who gets hit with it.” – Ana

    It’s so so true I could not believe it either that someone who loved me and regarded me like his Amex something he wouldn’t leave home without

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2015

    @Sara,

    I just pulled out of spam one of the comments that you made earlier. Usually I just delete spam without checking it, as there is so much of it. Allah let me check and see your comment. It was https://www.polygamy411.com/unhappy-women-living-polygamous-marriages/#comment-4782

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2015

    I doubt the kid made the arrangements. Laila would know.

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2015

    Not everyone will believe the same. If everyone followed what Allah swt says in the Holy Quran there would be no sects. There would be no sectarianism. Muslims would not be killing Muslims daily all over the planet.

    Allah teaches and guides those whom He chooses. He determines who will be Muslim, Muslim/believer and non-believers.

    We read the Quran, yet some don’t understand what they read. Marie mentioned recently that we can bring no good or harm to ourselves, except as Allah wills. It is true. Allah says it in the Holy Quran. Allah wills everything. Allah rules and regulates all affairs.

    I’m of the belief based on what is in the Holy Quran, that Allah created the Heavens and the earth and all that is between. Everything is written in a Book. We don’t know what Allah has written, but we will carry it out.

    He expects us to carry out His orders and obey His commands. We are still accountable for all that we do; although Allah wrote the script. Again, we don’t know what He has written for us. On the Day of Judgement, we will all receive our individual book of deeds. Don’t ask me why Allah orchestrated things the way He did. I only have an atoms weight of knowledge or maybe the amount of knowledge the size of a pea.

    When Allah says we shall not will except as He wills, what does it mean to us? When Allah says we can bring no good or harm to ourselves except what He wills, what does it mean to us? When He says there is no power or might except in Allah, what does it mean to us? Does it mean to you that we all are mini gods, running about the earth doing and deciding what we please? If anyone believes such, he or she does NOT believe Allah when He says there is no power and no might except in Him. He is God, we are not. We don’t rule the world; He does. Anything we do is because He commanded it. We will come willingly or unwilling, but we will come. It means that even non-believers, unbeknownst to them, does exactly what Allah has decreed.

    “Say: “Nothing will happen to us except what Allah has decreed for us: He is our protector”: and on Allah let the Believers put their trust.” Quran: Surah 9, Ayah 51

    What does the above ayah mean to you?

    Allah says he controls the Heavens and the earth. This is His dominion. He disposes of our affairs. If we believe Allah, then how do we think we’ve got control??? He is one God. There are people out there who think they’ve got the power and control. They contend with Allah. It’s serious.

    I can’t re-write the entire Quran on this blog. There will be some who gets it and some who won’t.

  • ruqayyah

    January 25, 2015

    No I don’t think it has to do with the wife trying to manipulate something. The “kid” is an adult. Trust me the last thing I think of whem making/buying a place ticket is someone else’s schedule. I think laila is just so used to having to compromise as she chose to in the past that everything is taken as manipulation. The kid bought a ticket for that day and hos father wanted to be there for him. The 1st wife isn’t even a part of the decision it is between a man and his adult child. You can’t expect your husband to forget he has kids because its your day.

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2015

    I’m checking in quickly and Insha Allah will be back ASAP.
    @Lynn,

    I think you have a good schedule going. When the parties stick to the schedule, regardless of holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, death, marriages, etc., no one has grounds to complain. No one can be accused of manipulating the schedule and no one can complain that they need the day of the other wife’s birthday or whatever. Just go with how it unfolds. The way to go.

    I like that you and Hilly let others know that when the marriages are polygamous the wives have to step up their game. There are going to be time where the wives would like their husbands there to help them out, but it just can’t happen, as he’s with his other family. What do we think happened when the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), his companions, and his men were off to war or on an expedition? The wives did what they had to do. They fended for themselves. It’s what wives need to do when the husbands are with their other families. What I see is the burden on the parties to the marriages is that the wives live too far away from one another. In the days of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), all the families were in close proximity to one another. My understanding is they could all come out of their individual compartment/apartment or whatever they were and all be together.

    @Selma,

    I’m glad you stopped back in. It’s always nice to hear from you. Thank you for your very kind words. When you come back and visit us along with all the other lovely ladies here, the blog flourish.

    I think you are one smart lady to try to learn all you can about our way of life (Islam) and polygamy in case Allah decides it for you. I wouldn’t at all be surprised if polygamy doesn’t become your lot. It’s usually the women who never expected it or said they’d never accept it who gets hit with it.

    I have to run. Everyone please excuse any errors. I typed this quickly.

  • selma

    January 24, 2015

    Al salam alaikm to all my sisters and an exclusive for Anna your jaza is with Allah in sha allah for creating this wonderful blog for women to come to for comfort and knowledge from sharing there stories. Wish you all well I’m still reading along and learning just in case we become part of a polygamous family it’s better to know what to expect and how to deal with it.Thanks to you all for sharing your personal life stories so we can learn and grow better.And sister SARA I’m making duua for you the beginning is the hardest time when your just finding out and knowing things just keep on reading here this is the place for real support and comfort.take the advice of the ladies that have been thru it I mean the positives.After all marriage is decreed if allah has it written it’s gonna happen no matter what just be patient and make the best out of life.life is short it’s not worth the hassles of this world and don’t give an ear to Satan he’ll drive you nuts in your thoughts so he can break ur marriage up after all thats Satan’s duty.

  • Gail

    January 24, 2015

    Sara,
    I was a second wife and I can sure tell u I didn’t have an option.My husband lied to me and told me he was divorced and on paper he was legally divorced but he was keeping his first wife/cousin on the side in Pakistan for 8 years before deciding to come clean with me.Bottom line he used me for a greencard.It may seem that second wives have a choice but in reality that not always the case.
    I do get where u r coming from logically but try to understand the second wife is also invested in her husband as well.Even if she has a choice for arguments sake what does it really mean.See here is the thing we woman think we have this honor code of married men are suppose to be hands off.U have to get over that in your mind that this woman is trying to slight u in some way understand.
    It may very well be true that she does want u out of the marriage and divorced in order to make her satisfied but guess what that her bridge to get over not yours.My point is that first wives have their issues and seconds have theirs understand?
    Unless u r willing to take a good hard look at yourself and really put in the work that u will need to do to make a polygamous marriage work then I think u will have a very hard time.Your on the fence and u are going to have to get off the fence is the way I see it.
    I know it hurts when a husband comes to u and tells u he has another woman.I know I lived through it and believe me I was like u ready to DIVORCE his A$$ but I stayed because of my kdis same like u r saying and he ended up giving first wife oral talaq and sending her back to her parents home.It took me 2 yrs to get past him sending her away and in that two yrs she was demanding he divorce me.This is something u r just going to have to live and learn though.I hope this helps u.

  • Lynn

    January 24, 2015

    Good morning everyone assalammualaikum …

    Husbands play important role to make polygamous marriage effective. They have to be religiously close to Allah and realized they are accountable for all their unfairness.

    Me being the first wife with 4 kids do not hav much privilege over my co wife with one kid. Each will update him when any of our kids not well but he will not come home to entertain our request. As for me I have come to a point where I will take care if everything my own and update him only when he’s back. He will stick to his schedule irregardless of any special occasions like wedding anniversary birthdays invitations etc. I will arrange family activities/holidays only when on those days he’s scheduled with us. We should at least not hurt each other by planning something affecting the schedule. ISometimes I feel the co wife is using the 4 year old to get his attention. My kids are older and as most stuff were taken care by me their dad absence doesn’t feel much a difference 🙁

    I pity my co wife actually. I know it’s not something she chose for herself. For that reason I chose not to complicate her life further. I trust Allah will take care of the family each time he’s away.

    One thing I

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2015

    Once you read the Quran and Allah gives you understanding, you will know that Allah says NOTHING happens unless HE WILL IT. It’s what Islam is all about submission to the Will of Allah. When we submit our will to Allah, we have no will. There are numerous Ayat (verses) throughout the Holy Quran in which Allah lets us know it. He wrote everything before we were born. period, exclamation point, end of story!

  • Shabanah

    January 24, 2015

    Also if Allah wills every little thing why are we on this earth fighting until the finish line going through all the tests and trials if it’s already written down for us to go to Janna/Paradise or Jehannam/hellfire??? No we have the ability to live righteous or wrongfully the choice is ours.

  • Shabanah

    January 24, 2015

    I know Allah wills everything but it’s tricky bc at the same time He did bless is with the will to make choices. If someone fornicates you can’t say Allah wills everything it could not have happened if Allah did not will it. No Allah did not will such a heinous sin but He willed for us to have the luxury of being able to choose right from wrong. There’s a thin line. So I agree with Sara.

    But speaking of wives who married first second third or fourth there wa a discussion pertaining to this particular subject. I’m a third wife and as I feel for the first two wives I still have my own set of feelings my own pain just because I knew what I was getting into doesn’t make me any less of a human with emotions. Often times you think you are strong enough then once married you realise you are over your head. All wives go through it the order really doesn’t matter

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2015

    @Laila,

    Instead of getting pissed off and telling him not to come back to your home, Insha Allah, rearrange the schedule. It doesn’t solve the problem when you tell him not to come back to your home that day. It only aggravates the situation. Most likely the result is that he goes home to her and he is upset that you are upset. SHE’S HAPPY because you are upset. We know you are upset. The only one who makes out in the situation is his other wife who has been known to jerk you around with scheduling things with her children, during your time.

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2015

    It’s at times such as these when wives bicker about the children that all wives living together with all their children is a FANTASTIC idea. Aishah2014 used to want her husband to be there each night to tuck her kids in and read them their bedtime stories or something to that effect. Okay, well, get a house and you all live together and the problem will be solved. That’s easy now; isn’t it?

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    Do you not think for a moment that the mother of the son may be manipulating the schedule, scheduling events/affairs for the husband, during Laila’s time? Women do such things. Some aren’t concerned about what’s just and fair, only about jerking the other wife around. Based on what Laila has said, she has made some serious sacrifices over the many years of their marriage, giving up time in consideration of the other wife and her children. I pray Allah is well pleased with her. Those children are adults now. They know their father has another family. Their father need to rearrange the schedule so time isn’t taken away from Laila or arranged the flights to fall on their mother’s day. Those are two options.

    You can’t compare what your monogamous dad does to a dad who is polygamous. A polygamous man has an obligation to a ALL his families whether they have children or not. Children isn’t the deciding factor, unless the man is deciding whether he should marry a woman who has children that are not his own.

    Women get it twisted and try to make a polygamous marriage remain a monogamous one. The marriage are two completely different animals. What a wife expects when she is in a monogamous marriage, she will no longer get when it become polygamous. Let’s keep it real. Who says a wife can demand anything she wants? She can, but she’s in for one rude awakening.

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2015

    @Marie,

    Isn’t it amazing how some people don’t get the most simple thing, such as with your co and how she thinks about what should happen with the schedule when your husband goes away? I think it would be easy for a person to know that if a husband goes away on business or whatever, the schedule would resume where it left off when he returns. Why wouldn’t it? He’s not there, so how could the wife have her turn without the husband being there? Why should she lose a turn just because he had to go away? It’s so weird.

  • Sara

    January 24, 2015

    Yes I agree

  • Ruqayyah

    January 24, 2015

    @Laila I think thata a bit unreasonable. They are HIS kids too. If he chooses to go see his kid offf at the airport it’s is more tha lolely that he wanted to see his son off and wanted to be there for his son. My dad cancells anything for me because he’s my da abd he loves me. A man taking a second qife will not have him love his kids less. Do not make it a war of “me or your kids” because you can and should lose.

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2015

    Sara,

    It’s okay. A person either believes they have free will or believe they don’t. No amount of debating it will change a person’s mind. It’s why here we leave it open to the individual.

  • Sara

    January 24, 2015

    I’m finding it hard to agree with what ur saying Ana…God knows our destiny..he wrote it for us…but we had a choice…we were created with a mind to think and choose…
    Just like a teacher at the beginning if the year…when he has a class full of students..by the middle of the year he knows who will fail and who will not…because he knows his students…
    The second or third or fourth wives had a choice…they had a free mind to get in it or not..they knew that the husband wanted a second wife or third or fourth…they used their mind to decide what’s best for them…
    Just like me…it’s already written for me what will happen…but I’m still choosing my road…I have a choice…I can choose my destiny..although it’s written…

  • Sara

    January 24, 2015

    If I choose to have an affair…then I fall in love…was it Gods choice for me? If I choose to break my family and get a divorce and get married…was it my choice?? Yes it was….I did something I wasn’t supposed to do…I followed my shahawat…
    Now if I was a good Muslim…and did not have relations with other men…would that happen??? No it wouldn’t have..

  • Sara

    January 24, 2015

    Ana I agree..Allah chooses everything…but u have to look at my situation…how I’m seeing it…
    The rules of islam us not to have a relationship with a married man…am I correct or not? So if one has an affair and gets pregnant or falls in love…then was it Gods will???? It was the woman who got involved in it..or man…if someone commits Zina who’s fault is it…it’s their chose…
    It clearly says in our religion not to approach a women…and commit adultery…doesn’t it? So how is it not a choice I don’t understand…
    If I was single and a married man wanted to have a relation w me..would I have done it..no…no and no…
    Now on the other hand if a married man decides to get married and wants to be polygamous and he looks for a Muslim wife…following the rules of God…is that wrong? No…it’s not…he made that choice…he started looking for wives who want to be polygamous…is it Gods will? Yes…it is…it’s a choice but he did it within Gods rules…
    What I’m saying is affairs ur secret relations were choices that could have been avoided…they could have if one followed the religion properly…because the religion gave u clear rules on what is allowed and what isn’t.
    My husband went ahead and created this relationship…which wasn’t allowed…he continued it…out of free will…now if he was following Gods rules would I be in this situation? I don’t think so.

  • Marie

    January 24, 2015

    Ana, yes, probably bitter, ugly hostility. I think I’m getting to the bottom of it. I still feel like I have the upper hand, that’s not the issue. I’m trying not to focus on that as one day Allah may take away what He has given me. I don’t feel bitter about him marrying her or loving her, I have always know that. Marriage for me and hubz was never about love, we loved each other anyway, we had children and a life, which she and ALL the kids was involved in. We married ONLY because Allah said we had to, for it to be halal. The non believing form of marriage never appealed to us. That’s same reason he married her, if it was allowed that he could be there without being married, he would.

    Now we have rules to follow, it SHOULD have made everything simple, but no. After all these years of being one family, she all of a sudden wants to change everything, and put kids on schedule, dividing the family. We ALL agreed it would still be one family, two separate marriages. But it doesn’t seem like that’s what’s happening.

    Sara. We haven’t had a holiday yet, if hubz goes away he.picks up where he left off. Of course for my co, that’s not fair

  • Sara

    January 24, 2015

    Marie I forgot whether u said ur Cowife has kids or not? And he stays three days w u and three days w her? What about holidays?

  • Marie

    January 24, 2015

    Ana, I think you know that polygamy is/was not my main bugbear, it was how the hubz and no co was going about it. That’s been my gripe from the beginning, that and that my co is not someone I get on with.

  • Sara

    January 24, 2015

    And Laila if I didn’t have kids I won’t be in this situation…I won’t go back and forth.. I’m sure of it. u know why?
    I would have asked for a divorce…not because I don’t love him. I do very much.as much as it’s acceptable and I believe that both forms of marriage are good I want to be monogamous w my partner. It’s what I want. And I feel that is be even more religious alone than think all the time abt what’s happening between him and her.
    It’s how I am as a person. I need to form close relations with my partner. Me and him.. Yes I don’t own him but I’m someone that’s like an open book. And with polygamy it can’t be an open book relation. He will have to hide a large part of his life. I need my partner to be transparent and share things w me.
    But because there’s kids and they are deeply attached to their dad and we’re already in this marriage and a family I am compromising and I am muslim..and …and…and…
    It’s me…every human being in this world is different.

  • Marie

    January 24, 2015

    No Ana, sorry I got on my high horse and was just ranting about my situation. Firstly if someone asks for something, like a husband and Allah gives you then don’t complain that it’s not enough, it’s not fair, that you have to do this that and the other and blah blah blah. Its ungrateful. So I say it’s what they wanted as they asked for it. I asked for a husband, I didn’t complain when I got one. And i didn’t complain that he has children who he spends time with.

    I should have elaborated as usual, if I saw that my children’s relationship with their dad was being affected in a negative way then I would expect my husband to do something about it. My children are not bratty, and do not always get there own way. If I saw it was negative attention seeking, spoilt brat behavior then it’s a different story.

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2015

    @Shabanah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I really want to watch the murder series and it’s my intention to do so; I’m just so swamped with things to do now. It’s crazy. I haven’t read all the comments here yet. I’ve been scrolling through the comments while trying to multi-task. Insha Allah, I’ll see what happens. I was thinking of the show, however, as I know the new season begins in a few days or so. I’ll keep you posted.

    It is nice Lynn is back with us. You’ll find that when it come to polygamy 411 people come and go. It’s really weird. We may have a group here for a good year or so. It seems the group leaves and then a new group appears. It’s interesting. There is so much to learn from everyone who comes here.

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2015

    Marie,

    I’m sensing some bitter, ugly, hostilities emanating from you about your situation. It’s okay. We’re hear to talk. It must be difficult in that it was you, your husband and your now co before you all became Muslim. Somewhat like the three musketeers and the children you both had (I’m just trying to make light of the situation). She was with him first. He ended up marrying you, not her. So, you had the upper hand. You became his wife.

    Now, she is the wife, as well. You both have his children. You no longer have the upper hand. The playing field is even. I assume neither of you have a Marriage License (which doesn’t matter in the sight of Allah). Nonetheless, with a Marriage License, in your own mind you’d have leverage and in a court of law you would as well; as after all, it is a contract and contracts are permissible, and legally binding in Islam. Contract are to be honored. So, now it is you, she, the children you both have and your husband and the playing field is even. I don’t think it sits very well with you. Hey, I doubt it would sit well with me either initially. Nonetheless, it’s something you’re going to have to work on and come to terms with. It hurts like a %^$#^, but it is what it is…She had a right to marry him. He wanted to marry her. Allah decreed they’d marry. So, here you are. How will you deal it?

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2015

    Sara,

    You weren’t here on the original polygamy 411 when we went down the road, plenty of times, about who has it worse – the wife who married first or the wife who married second, third, or 4th? As you stated, it’s not a matter of who is worse off, as all wives feels pain. As Marie stated how long the pain lasts depends on the individual wife and her belief or lack of belief in Allah. For some people polygamy could be a blessing and for others it could be a curse. Only Allah knows.

    I don’t agree that it was a choice for a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wife to go down the road of polygamy. Allah chooses our mates for us and just as he chose the husband for the first wife and chose the first wife for the husband, Allah chose the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th wives. Accepting that fact is the beginning of accepting polygamy. There is no blame, as Allah decided it. If one believes Allah’s disposes of our affairs for everyone and this is his dominion. He rules and controls everything, it’s when we find peace and contentment in our lives, which includes polygamy, if we live it.

  • Marie

    January 24, 2015

    I think it was shabanah who said, never let someone else’s behaviour change who you are, or something like it. I liked it.

  • Marie

    January 24, 2015

    Laila, I see your point as your hubz kids are older, they can understand the situation. I was talking about young children. You shouldn’t feel bad because you let a lot slide in the past. Yes, your co may have got her own way and if her intentions were to cause trouble then she and only she will be responsible. I think, you was being kind and considerate in those days. Which is similar to what I do now. I know I vent regularly about my co here,but I really try to treat her kindly, no matter how unkind she is to me. Their are a few examples, but I won’t go into it, right now.

    I understand you needing rules,peace and good behaviour in your life, it’s one of the reasons I found my “limbo” stage so stressful. I soon realised that some people only like to live by rules when it suits them. So the only way I will have rules, peace and good behaviour in my life is if I ask Allah for it to be me who has the good behaviour, so I can have peace and live by the rules. I understand you completely.

    I get you more now when you say you just want to ignore her.

  • Sara

    January 24, 2015

    Dear Laila…
    I know…what do I really want.
    I’m going back and forth. I know.
    I’m losing my peace of mind and a good number of years because of this. I’m going on two now.
    I will not encourage or push my husband to be polygamous. If he wants to do it let him go ahead. I’m not ready to divorce. But I’m not promising anything after that. I will leave if it’s not a situation I like. If my kids are disrupted or if I’m unhappy. It’s all up to the man and if he can manage to make me happy in a situation like this then fine. If not then no. But what I won’t do is sit and stay on limbo mode. If it has to happen it should happen soon or never. I am not going through this again in the future.. I’m not able to open this subject again. I’m still young I can restart alone and I have no problem staying alone. Who knows maybe I’ll even get more religious and have peace.
    What do I want from a marriage? I want a partner. Someone I can rely on. I want to raise my kids well with my partner. Someone who’s on the same page as me.
    I agree with u Marie. My kids are important there’s no way he’s cutting them off for three days. There’s no way he’s cutting me off too those days. Otherwise might as well not stay married.
    I’m trying to b rational. This situation was thrust upon me. When I least expected. Not my style of life or something I ever dreamed would happen in my marriage. But because it’s allowed I don’t want to go against God or break my family because of it. But I can’t promise staying in it. Im free spirited woman as well and I love my own company I’m not afraid to b alone.

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2015

    Wow, Marie, what are you saying? They want polygamy. I thought you believe in polygamy as a way of life for Muslims. Now, you’re saying, they want polygamy, as though they are doing something wrong. You lost me.

    We just were talking about how parents have to teach children our way of life, Islam. Now you’re saying your children’s life won’t be disrupted. Do you really think you could maintain a monogamous relationship in a polygamous one? Your children understand dad has to leave to go to work, right? Well, you need to teach them, dad has to leave to be with his other family, as well. It’s all about what you teach them. No offense, but are you saying that if a woman has some bratty, unruly kids, the father has to take them to his other wife’s house with him and disrupt their time because you don’t want your children upset???? You lost me…

  • Laila

    January 24, 2015

    Dear Sara. I really feel for you. I cannot imagine the situation you are in. But, you need to also ask yourself once and for all. What do you really want out of him and this marriage? You have to bite the bullet and move forward. Going back and forth and not making a clear decision makes you frustrated. Ive been there, where I could not make up my mind. You loose your peace of mind and also a good number of years. If you feel that you can come to terms with polygamy. Then make it your intent and move forward. Marie here has done it and shes doing great. Of course the pain, jealousy and all those lousy feelings will plague you. But my dear, what do you really want? …. time to answer that question first. Only then will the rest follow.

  • Laila

    January 24, 2015

    My hubbs has this neurotic attitude to not make life in itself as a schedule. But I am not blessed with an understanding co. So I do best of my situation. I follow rules. Rules are clear cut. Everybody has their borders. Well anyway, maybe my hormones are rising but Marie and Ana, I need some form of peace, rules, and good behaviour from everyone. I don’t hate my co but sometimes I like to give her her own medicine. But this year, he knows I mean business. Funny…. airport trips are now… silent.

  • Laila

    January 24, 2015

    Dear Marie. I cannot agree with your statement. Because I for one went through it all. I gave my days and time for them to grow up. Mind you that was a long time to endure. In actuality, I have no issues if even my co calls when he is on my side. But because when I did it in the past, and mind you it was an emergency. She flipped. Screamed her lungs out, I just decided it was time for the same exact treatment. She of course complained to hubbs about it being unfair. How can it be unfair? When I called, which was by he way for an urgent reason, she flips. But she can call on my time and day?… Well, this is my reason as to why I am very finicky. Now that Ive started baby making plns Ive been very domineering with hubbs. He has to follow the rules, or pay the price.

  • Laila

    January 24, 2015

    Dear Ana. Yes, I did hold him accountable. So this time, I got even. He expected me to still allow him to come back to my side after picking the boy up. Guess what. I did not allow it. He was so pissed. But he now knows I mean business. In my relationship, he knows when I am sort of being sarcastic. So by telling him to bugger off for good for the day to the other side, showed him that, you cannot have your cake and eat it too. Besides, the son is giving him some major issues. So in a way, it will be great for mother, son and dad to all have a sit down and find out why his grades are slipping. In short, I did a huge favour for my co. In fact recently, I was angry and in anger I did tell hubbs to realize his kids are now young adults.

  • Marie

    January 24, 2015

    Yes, Ana I forgot to add that the daylight hours are for the man to do his thing. I’m a bit uptight about that subject, because when we was sorting the schedule, my now co was under the impression that for 3 days he would be cutting us off. She must be smoking something if she thought that was going to happen. Also with that said if at ANY time my children are crying for their father when he leaves, hes taking them with him. No way are my children going to suffer because they wanted polygamy, my feelings are one thing, but don’t bring upset into my kids lives. If that’s the plan she can get to stepping, Insha’allah.

    If their was ever a woman who knew what she was getting with polygamy, it’s my co. I think we tend to have more compassion for those who we know, over those we don’t or don’t like. I have compassion for all the sisters here no matter what order they married in. But when it comes to my co, it gets complicated. I believe to reap what you sow, so if she is in any kind of pain, well that’s your own fault.

  • Sara

    January 24, 2015

    Thanks Marie…u understand my point.

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2015

    Laila,

    You have to look at your husband too and hold him accountable for what’s happening with the children (young adults). If she schedules a flight for their son to leave during your time, then he needs to let them know he won’t be there to see him off or pick him up, whichever. He’d have to say his goodbyes the night before or make some other arrangements. She’d soon get the picture and know enough to schedule the flight on her days or he should re-arrange the schedule in advance. It’s not Rocket Science. It’s what I mean when the mother thinks the husband should be at her beck and call just because she has children. In her case, those are grown @$$ children in college. Your husband is the one with the problem. He perpetuate the problem. He runs behind her like a little puppy dog. He’s the one who needs to man up and put his foot down. She does what she does because she can get away with it. You need to look at him.

  • Marie

    January 24, 2015

    I was thinking of saras situation in the last post. Side note: all Muslims should aim to accept polygamy as a normal form of marriage.

  • Marie

    January 24, 2015

    Another point is, we hear a lot of women having relationships with married men. in this case the ‘other woman’ has no rights, the wife doesn’t have to deal with polygamy because she’s not in it. it brings a whole load of other emotions and feelings. she’s backed up in her dislike for the situation, her husbands actions and the actions of the other woman, because our religion does not condone such relationships. I spoke about it before, if the additional wives start as a mistress it will be harder for the current wives and husband to see her as anything but.

  • Sara

    January 24, 2015

    I’m not here to argue about who’s worst off…both are painful..but the second had that choice…to go down that road…u can’t deny that choice.,,the first didn’t…I’m not here to create fights…I’m here to listen to stories and get closer to religion…that’s it…

  • Marie

    January 24, 2015

    Laila. I have a total of 0 non muslim friends, as for my non muslim family, they don’t ask my opinion on anything and I don’t ask theirs, we stick to very short conversations.

    I don’t think we can compare a 1st wife’s pain to a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th. only because a wives pain, no matter which order she married is based on her relationship with Allah. it can take a woman days, months or years to accept polygamy, there no time scale because it happens when she’s right with Allah. If a wife compromises on days, time money ect purely to earn reward with her lord then she will never feel walked over, she wont feel badly because the act was not don’t to please herself, co wife or husband. her reward is with Allah and she will wait patiently for it.

    I don’t agree that young children should be on a schedule, imo, if a additional wife has a problem with her husband to be seeing his kids when nessacery then she needs to look for another husband. now this doesn’t mean that the wife who has children gets to decide when, where and how the children spend time with their father. Chilren have certain rights over their parents, as do wives over their husbands and husbands over their wives. no-one should make an attempt at taking away someone elses rights, its oppression.

    as far as a 1st wife thinking herself lucky that she didn’t have to share her husband for a number of years. I don’t think so, if a 1st wife holds on to that, then she holding on to the wrong thing. I suppose additional wives will never understand that going from talking, phoning and vacationing with her husband when ever Allah willed to all of a sudden being told NO, SHE CANNOT CONTACT HIM, ITS NOT HER DAY, is a tough pill to swallow. her whole life has been put on a schedule in the space of one day. I feel it would be easier if that how it was from the beginning. but again she will deal according to her faith.

  • Sara

    January 24, 2015

    I understand everything ur saying Laila…yes the second wife glues through it too…but she got in it…she accepted to be polygamous..she agreed to this kind of lifestyle…sorry to say but first wives do not have a choice…they got in a monogamous wedding…thinking that that’s how it’s going to stay…then when husband decides to take a wife they have to make a choice…to accept or divorce…and after years of mariage it’s difficulté to mâle thet décision…most settle and accept hoping it’ll get better…
    So I’m sorry but I disagree with u…second wives had a choice to b polygamous…bcuz they knew the man was married all along…
    If I got divorced and a married man approaches me to b a second wife I wouldn’t wven go that road..because I don’t want..so they had the choice to go though the pain…they had a choice to divide their time…it’s the first wives who are worst off I’m sorry to say no matter how much u say it’s painful.bcuz they wanted to get in there and accept.

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I always took the position that wives are equal whether they have children or not. The father of the children can see his children ANY TIME. The children are not on a schedule. I have heard here in the past from a commentator or two something to the effect that the wife who has children or more children than the other has a right to impose on the time of the wife who doesn’t have children?

    The father has all of his days (day light hours) for himself, regardless of which wife’s nights. He has those day to make time for his children, as well. A husband’s days are his to do whatever he wants. He has the nights of the wife who has children, as well, to see those children. It makes no sense that a wife with children would think she has a right to intrude on the wife’s nights who doesn’t have children. When she does it’s a form of manipulation, if you ask me. Yes, of course if there is a serious emergency, the father should get there and take care of business.

    When wives are in polygamous marriages, they know they have to learn to manage their affairs without the husbands. Usually the wives have a support system of biological family, Islamic family or friends or someone who would willingly help out in a time of need. I have pretty much cut my ties with my non-Muslim biological family, as our lives are different than day and night. I’d only see them when my hubz invites them to his work affairs or we’d do a family vacation or something to that effect. Nonetheless, whenever, I have an issue or I am in a jam, I can count on them to be there Johnny on the spot and I am there for them as well.

    Hilly’s husband is gone for six months. She has to deal her sons without his help. She does what she needs to do. She rises to the occasion and make things work, with the help and permission of Allah. Is it difficult for her and stressful? At times it probably is. One does what one needs to do. You sink or you swim. You could be a wife that sits around and belly ache about it, and make everyone life hellish or you try to work it out.

    If the wife feels so strongly that a husband needs to be readily available, perhaps she should consider the wives all live together or she should suggest moving herself and her home nearer to the other wife. There will always be women who want to play the baby war game in which they compete to see who will have the most children by the husband or they use the children to have the husband at their beckon call. Allah knows the motives of the wives.

  • Laila

    January 24, 2015

    Some of them feel that fasting is a stupid act. Polygamy is oppression towards Muslim women. The hijab is a way of controlling women. There are so many ideas about the Muslim faith to a non-Muslim, that by mixing with them, one will get ideas that may shake ones faith. So I do have Muslim friends but I keep religion out of our discussions. I do not believe in being in a polygamous relationship and constantly belittling my religion. So be aware of who are the people that ‘care’ and see clearly what is their agenda. Because most of the time, these caring people are lost themselves.

  • Laila

    January 24, 2015

    My answer is, no. All these ideas that makes us feel that we need acceptance are delusional ideas that our mind creates to assure us. I know where I come from and where I am heading. Ive got a few Sikh friends who are so staunch in their beliefs that it makes me respect them even more for standing up for what they believe in. For starters, they are vegetarians, and do not consume alcohol or smoke. They pray daily and focus in their prayers. They encourage themselves to always be positive and talk about positive things. So looking at all that, I take my hats off to them. Talking to non-Muslims sometimes puts us in a fix. Because their way of life is not for me, or us. The reason is obvious. I am a Muslim and they aren’t.

  • Laila

    January 24, 2015

    In the past, I used to try and fit with my friends who are mostly non-Muslims. I would lie and say hubbs is out of town. That was my way of coping and sort of not make my friends suspect when they come over. Nowdays, I taken a new approach. Ive been reading a lot about Islam, and now I am establishing my marriage. I am straight up. My idea is this, if they cannot accept it, then that is their problem, not mine. I am a Muslim, and I do not intend to change my life to fit others needs or to get their acceptance. Trust me, it is not easy. I have faced backlash from my family and friends. But I am adamant as this is my belief. Should I die tomorrow knowing that my life was lived based on other peoples acceptance?

  • Shabanah

    January 24, 2015

    Ana As salaamu alaikum. Have you watched the murder show or were you not feeling it. I’m so excited. The hiatus is almost over. Thursday they’ll air new episodes yay.

  • Laila

    January 24, 2015

    Many do not see how huge a compromise a young woman makes when she knowingly agrees to be a second, third or fourth. Time from day one is divided. Love is divided. Life in itself becomes a schedule. First wives should feel so lucky because for many years before polygamy was even discussed, you had your husbands all to yourself. You had the weekends. Which to me is a luxury. You could go out together without even thinking or sweating the small stuff. Holidays were never an issue as it was just the both of you. So, my point is this. Some young wives are not to be trusted too. But please don’t assume that only the first goes through misery. The second has her share which out of ego she will never share with you.

  • Laila

    January 24, 2015

    Ive always given in to her for years when it come to new years celebration and Eid etc etc. Nowdays, I demand. I have gone through depression, to anxiety to pure anger and even rage. Ive gone through the whole nine yards. So nowdays when some relatives tell me, oh yeah Laila, you do not have kids so ….. I literally f*** them up. So trust me girls, the second ones that come in don’t necessarily have a glammed up time. They too go through their share of hell. Along the way, because all parties are not experienced, some wives may say, oh shes young and dumb. Maybe it will make you feel better to attack the new wife using her age and ignorance. But it also shows a huge lack of character on the first wife’s part.

  • Shabanah

    January 24, 2015

    Sara you might not feel close to Allah but never doubt His nearness to you. He is with all of us every second of everyday. Allah is with us wherever we are. I think you can accomplish anything in life as long as you love Allah more than anyone or anything and put Him before anyone and everything. He will never disappoint you. He will never let you down. Turn to your Creator. He’s there to listen. It is us who looses interest in conversing with Him. Cry your eyes out to Allah for He is the only one capable of your salvation.

  • Laila

    January 24, 2015

    All I can say is this. Please don’t assume that the first wives are always in pain. Ive endured a lit in my marriage. Ive been the quiet type in the past. Nowdays, I am very vocal and clear to not just my hubbs but to also my co. Yes, as a second wife, I dislike calls and texts to her or he children. I am upset when my days are conveniently taken for airport rides. Just recently, it happened again. I am proud to say, I did not allow hubbs to come back for the day. I hate the thought that children are always used as an excuse to get her way. Once in anger, I told her to grow up and state things clearly without using her children. Now that her youngest in already in college, she seems to be at a lost, because her children excuses are running dry.

  • Laila

    January 24, 2015

    Ive even had one commentator here once stupidly say I am not a mother, therefore I can never understand my co and where she is coming from. Due to all this, I have fought verbally, violently, and once packed my bags and was ready to leave for good. I have reminded my hubbs that children or not, his responsibilities to me are ‘EQUAL’. I am the type that will never stay in a marriage just for he sake of being married. In many ways, Allah s.w.t. has made me sort of a free spirited woman. I cut out septic relationships out of my life. I am not at all bothered if my pool of relatives, and family become small, because my life and happiness does not hinge on them, or their existance. If they are positive, and contribute positive vibes, they are surely keepers.

  • Laila

    January 24, 2015

    Dear Ana. I totally agree with your statement, that is we as Muslims cannot live the same lifestyle as the non-Muslims. More often I read about many first wives who come here to rant and vent their feelings and how they are adjusting and how it affects them on a personal level. Today I feel so compelled to say this, its not only the first wives that compromise. Many out there who are second, third or fourth also compromise just so much. Many touch on issues ranging from schedules, calls, texting, dividing of monthly monetary allowances to quality time and even holidays. I for one can say this, what is considered fair is so difficult. I for one have been side tracked for years because I do not have children.

  • Sara

    January 24, 2015

    Lynn I’m sorry to hear about that…but u came out of it and are in a better position…maybe if he hadn’t married her secretly and asked u before u wouldn’t be in this situation…u would have flatly refused and that would have been the end of it…I don’t know…
    But it’s not unusual I hear many stories similar to this but they don’t always lead to marriage…affairs only…especially in the gulf states…
    Ana ur right there are these kinds of people that complain for the sake of complaining and do nothing about it…then u tell them well do something about it and they’re like we have no choice but to sit and complain…it’s so ridiculous…these kinds of people make themselves miserable and are too scared to make any kind of decision…
    Yes it’s true most women do not get exposed to polygamy…but some if they get exposed to it are more inclined to it than others…not every women is the same…ummo like u said u read about African cultures and other cultures and u liked it better than the American one where they cheat and lie…
    I guess it’s not the exposure that’s the whole problem…it’s part of the problem because when ur a child and u grow up accepting it it’s completly different…the other part of the problem is actually sharing a husband u love..it’s not in the women’s nature…she needs to keep her emotions in check and her mind needs to make a decision.
    I’m not strong I know it…I always got easily swayed by society, people’s opinions…that’s why I haven’t chosen the side of the fence I need to be in…I’m like a Ping pong…but the environment really doesn’t help…either u lock urself in ur house and c no one or u mix w everyone but u are strong…
    As u can c and will realize I am a confused person by nature..always been…hesitate to everything…I’m obviously here writing in this blog as I’m trying to find out more…so that means I’m willing to try…but for the wrong reasons…I mean I would accept that it’s from God and say that’s what’s written for me but what would make me try it is for my kids and because there is no other reason to leave but that…id be the women u talk about in ur posts Ana the unhappy ones that don’t help themselves but I think I won’t make it at this moment in my life though if it happens now….I’m not where I’m supposed to be in my life…confidence wise, religious wise, self esteem, etc…maybe by reading that’s posts and getting close to my religion it will help me and give me good insight about it…I’m awed by how all of u are staying strong and ur main focus is Jannah…
    Good day everyone..

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2015

    Assalamu Alaikum & good day!

    It’s a winter wonderland where I am. Snow’s been falling for a good sometime now. It’s quite beautiful! 🙂

  • Shabanah

    January 24, 2015

    Sorry I meant mari2 in my previous post. I just can’t seem to differentiate the two

  • Shabanah

    January 24, 2015

    Lynn I wasn’t here on the old blog so it’s nice seeing commentators from the older blog gradually coming back. So your hubby married the help. That’s devastating. Women could be snakes. I know you went through a lot I mean you trusted this evil untrustworthy woman around your hubs. Well I’m happy to know things are improving for you. Allah is the greatest. Your situation makes me look twice at my maid haha. No I know hubby will never go there.

    Marie you are one funny woman. Try using safety pins instead of push pins because that could be dangerous. I just wrap and tuck. I’m soooo tired of Pakistani men and women staring me up and down when I go out. I mean have they never seen a foreigner before. Even if they haven’t that’s so rude and it’s an invasion. Literally I’ll have my children with me I obviously have a man. Sheesh

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2015

    It’s just a fact; no one, I mean no one gets it right overnight. Unless all the parties to the marriage sought out the lifestyle to begin with, it’s a long, audurous,painful, struggle. Allah says He created us into toil and struggle. Polygamy is no joke. It’s serious. We can’t prevail, if we make it about us or anyone or anything other than Allah. We have to stay focused. The keys to life are with Allah.

  • Lynn

    January 24, 2015

    From my experience reading also helps to ease the pain. I read this book La Tazaan on my down days or on those days hubby is away with Ms. P. Also get a better understanding and knowing the benefit on polygamy on us Muslim.

    Don’t think or having wild imagination on what’s happening there. I keep myself occupied, make advance planning to go out with kids, family & friends since I have a yearly calendar of his schedule.

    Used to be crazy and in complete mess during my early polygamous days. You can read back & you realize that it’s pretty normal to be very angry and depressed. Most of us go thru the same. I used to admire Ana she seemed so cool and very accepting.

  • Laila

    January 23, 2015

    Dear Sara. I think many women are never exposed to polygamy. I tol have so many types of emotions. But we need to realize that making our emotions boss will never work. Ive learnt that when I make my mind up about something, then everything else is easy. Train your mind and results will come.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2015

    @Sara,

    It’s going to take you a while to digest all the information that you’re getting here. Rome wasn’t built overnight. It’s going to take time for you to get it. If your husband marries another, you will take that roller coaster ride that Hilly spoke of. Your emotions will be all over the place. One day you’ll feel happy, the next day sad, or part of the day happy and the other part sad. You may cry, and cry and cry… Welcome to the life of polygamy, the first chapter.

    I think you’ve got your head on straight. You’re talking sensibly. You stated, “To conclude polygamy will not work if one is not close to God I think…the Shaytan will win and create fitnah every time…”

    You hit the nail on the head. You get an A+. You got it. It just won’t work, if you’re not close to Allah. Some people remain in a polygamous marriage who are not close to Allah and they are some miserable folk and, on top of it, they try to make everyone else as miserable as they are.

    You will hear from people here who are going through a thing. They are having or have had very difficult times, dealing with a polygamous life. They may *itch and moan etc. The difference between these people and the other group I spoke of above is those who are here want to learn to accept polygamy because Allah permits it; polygamy is good; it’s good for the ladies because it helps get our souls purified of the rust and tarnish that is on it or in it; it could help pave our way to Jannah/Paradise. We have a goal. We have an objective. The beautiful, wonderful thing about it is these people in this group and the ones who are here on this blog will be victorious, as long as we obey Allah, and serve and worship Him. He will purify our hearts; He will protect us; He will give us of his bounties and much more. I can’t name it all. We will have joy, peace and contentment in this life and a better life in the Hereafter. You’ll walk on this planet with the light (nur) of Allah, shining on your face. Alhumdulliah!

    Now, what will hinder your progress, is what Laila was speaking of that you mentioned, as well. You said,”U know like when I look at this blog and really I’m like ya what’s the big deal…I can do it…then I go out with my friends and it’s like a completely different kind of life…if u know what I mean…then ur back to square one…”

    You’re going to have to determine which life you want to live, the life of the unbelieving friends that you have (I’m assuming they are unbelievers that you referred to) or the life of those who want to do the right thing – worship Allah, which is the reason He created us in the first place. As Laila said, you can’t straddle the fence. Excuse me. You can straddle the fence and I’ll let you know what will happen. You’ll be astray or go astray. You don’t want to flip flop back and forth. Those who flip flop back and forth, Allah has given a name for them; they are “hypocrites”. The hypocrites will be in the lowest part of the Hell Fire. When they are with the unbelievers they tell the unbelievers that they are with them. When they are with the believers, they tell the believers that they are with them. They play both sides. It’s a two faced person.

    First of all, you don’t want to listen to anyone who doesn’t follow your religion (Islam). There are non-Muslims who are married to Muslim men. With the exception of Gail, who used to be here regularly, all the unbelieving women married to Muslim men do is sit around and badmouth and slander Islam, badmouth and slander the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), badmouth and slander Muslims, badmouth and slander Polygamy, and badmouth and slander everything associated with all I have mentioned.

    I totally don’t get how the very people who who I just mentioned above say they have free will. To it I say why don’t they take their free will and go get a life that will make (they think) them happy. But, they can’t. Do you know why? They ain’t got no free will. It’s why. Unbeknownst to them and out of their ignorance, they don’t know they don’t have any free will. A person has to be a complete fool to believe she has free will, yet stays in a relationship that she abhors, hates and is miserable in and continue to bellyache about it day and night, night and day, week after week, month after month, and year after year. The individuals aren’t trying to accept Islam, so why are they harping on Islam and what doesn’t concern them.It’s crazy. They need to go get their life. Ya know I’m saying???

    Sara, I say all of the above because you don’t want to be that person. The last thing you want to do is be that person. You sound to be a person of sound mind.

    Anyhow, I got where Laila was coming from and I share her sentiments. Life is way short. Tomorrow is not promised to us.

    You have to understand that if you are Muslim/Believer your life is not going to look like that of non-believers. They don’t know anything about our way of life. They just sit around lying and conjecturing. If your life looks like theirs and you’re Muslim, there’s something seriously wrong with you and your Islam. Remember, life is never what we expect it to be. There is no normal life. There is only life. So, make your intent about which side of the fence you want to be on.

  • Lynn

    January 23, 2015

    Salam all

    @Mari2 plenty of hijab tutorial on YouTube I’m sure you will get better at it soon InsyaAllah. I started out having the piece of cloth covering my eyes on my early hijab days hehe

    Having the co wife living far away from me makes it easier. Hubby still on the same schedule – He will spend at least 15 days with me (incl work) and the following 4 days with her (no work) meaning hubby will go there every 15days. Not much time together since I work Monday to Friday and he sometimes on 12hours shift during weekends.

    Just two days ago hubby received continuous line messages fm Ms. P. Bit pissed as usual. Baby H was not well I heard and she was updating him. Situation like this can really change the mood. Hubby starts to worry and spend his time texting her in front of me. Hopefully she was not doing it on purpose just to take his attention.

    Not sure any of you remember Ms. P was my maid before my hubby married her secretly in Indonesia. Used to be so angry but as I get closer to Allah I began to accept my decree. But doesn’t mean I will never get angry and jealous I’m still human after all.

    Hubby is doing great sometimes I find him emotionless. His focus is Allah and finding money to make ends meet. His main concern is providing for us not luxuriously but just enough alhamdulillah. The recent family holiday was my treat I thank Allah for providing. I always pray Allah cleanse my heart so I dont have the tendency to do any evil & harm to my co wife.

    Believe me sisters with strong faith & clean heart this thing can work better for us.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and hello all my cyberspace buddies,

    @Shabanah,

    I’m been in contact with “Spirited”. She’s good. She’s just super busy with studying and some other deadlines she must meet, but she hasn’t forsaken us. Insha Allah, I’ll email coco puff tomorrow and check on her. I’m a bit tied up right now. No, silly, I don’t mean bondage. I’m not into kinky stuff.

    @Mari2,

    You remind me of some of the Pakistani women my hubz and I went to Hajj with. We all had to attend a few classes before we went. In the classroom Apparently, some of the older sisters weren’t used to wearing the khimar (scarf). Talking about distraction, I could barely focus on what was being said by the instructor because those women were so busy fiddling around with their scarves that kept sliding off. I wanted to just say just leave the dang thing off, already. It’s not as though we were in a masjid

    @Lynn,

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam. What happen to your comment? Did your phone shut off or something?

  • Lynn

    January 23, 2015

    Salam all …

    No woer

  • Mari2

    January 23, 2015

    @Ana
    I know that my 2/1/2 wifely count may be confusing to you. It’s confusing to me too. I was second. Then only. But only a handful of people know of our marriage. So for the majority of people related to M, the second is the only. I do not exist. I am sorry for confusing you or others.

  • Mari2

    January 23, 2015

    @Ana
    No you won’t find me dressing like I just stepped out of the desert, nor will you find me dressing like I am going to a nightclub either. Like I said I wear hijab at masjid. And I have no issue with doing so except that I suck at hijab wearing. I require approximately 3000000000 pins to fasten hijab to my head. I look like a pin cushion…lol. I just can’t seem to make hijab work. It’s like the skill of skiing which I also suck at. I am a hijab fail. But I’m pretty sure I give the older women at masjid something to talk about regarding my hijab ability/style(lol). So I will happily pin, pin, pin and entertain them.

    It’s all good afterall.

  • Marie

    January 23, 2015

    Sara, one thing I’ll mention is things didn’t really start to get better till they were married the limbo stage for me was a nightmare. Some of the feelings you have will disappear once they are either married or she is completely out of the picture. I remember once my husband was in talks with my now co wife, I was pushing and pushing him to set a date and get it over with. That was the most stressful part for me.

    You may have many moments when you feel your back at square one, don’t worry. Satan wants you to give up striving, like theres no point trying. Don’t listen, just hold on to the rope of Allah. ((hugs))

  • ummof4

    January 23, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Sara, I was never exposed to polygyny growing up. I did not personally know anyone who was polygynous until I became Muslim. Then I heard of polygynous marriages that were successful and polygynous marriages that were unsuccessful. I still know of both types. On this blog you will learn of both types, In shaa’Allah as well.

    As we have stated many times on this blog, Allahu Akbar and He will fulfill the promise that He has made to the believers –Jannah if we do as He commands, and beg of His mercy and forgiveness..

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2015

    Sara,

    I’m sorry I skipped over one of your posts for approval. I accidentally do that every now and again when I’m using my phone. The phone is a pain in the @$$. Now it won’t let me backspace to correct errors. sigh

  • Sara

    January 23, 2015

    Laila I’m happy ur in the right oath and c things clearly…I hope we can get to where u are…
    Maybe u can’t understand this but when someone has never been exposed to polygamy they will have all kinds of emotions all day long…no matter how strong they are…that’s all I can say.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    didn’t you know? I’m Marilyn Monroe. I’m in my skin. When I jump out. She jumpes in. Lol I’ve got to run out. I just quickly scanned and approved the posts. I’ll be back to read them. Inshallah everyone have a lovely day or night whichever it is on your part of the planet. Love to you all.

  • Sara

    January 23, 2015

    Wow Mary ur story is kind of like mine..she’s someone from the past too but no kids…that’s crazy…so it took u two years to adjust huh…
    U know like when I look at this blog and really I’m like ya what’s the big deal…I can do it…then I go out with my friends and it’s like a completely different kind of life…if u know what I mean…then ur back to square one…
    So polygamy will be a constant battle for me I think because I’m not in the place where I need to b with God…to help me out…
    Ummo ur right about the lying and cheating not only in America but everywhere around the world…but there are some who don’t…nowadays it’s women as well who do it…but ur so strong…like the way it doesn’t affect u what he does in his other life…like w the other women he marries..like he has a private secret life I know nothing about…it doesn’t bother u?
    But what’s the purpose of the men marrying…is it the men are not naturally monogamous to begin with and feel they need to b with different women? I guess every situation is different…
    To conclude polygamy will not work if one is not close to God I think…the Shaytan will win and create fitnah every time…

  • Laila

    January 23, 2015

    I like this line my student gave me. Pretty much sums up situations due to stupidity and stupid people. ‘Not my monkey…. and its not my circus’. So Ive had enough of circus act articles written. Before just writing blindly I encourage facts. Carry out a research and accumulate information before talking. That would be great. At least, then we would have less empty talk.

  • Laila

    January 23, 2015

    So ladies, decide, decide and decide well. Sitting on the fence will never gain you anything. But it will show your lack of character. Men are leaders of a marriage, women are the leaders in the home. Ive learnt one thing. Death can come at any time, swift and fast. And in that, I would want to be on the right path. Not deviated by fools. Fools who claim to have an insight of why polygamy is just such a bad idea that it leaves a bad taste in ones mouth after talking about it.

  • Laila

    January 23, 2015

    All I can say is this, polygamy or monogamy, if the family is screwed up, does not have a strong foundation in religious beliefs, then the family is set up for failure, and the children as a generation of lost sheep. My comments may come across as uncalled, unwanted, on this thread. But if Islam is what you choose, or if like me you feel it is your calling, then embrace it 100%. Do not allow fools to fool around with your mind with their ideas. Because these are the same fools that run a failed marriage, and a failed group of children. I pity the generation after that. I am so done with women who themselves are no role model worthy just spewing out pure hatred about polygamy. Even if they claim to be PH.d holders or whatever not, remember, in cyber space, we can even be Marilyn Monroe if we want.

  • Laila

    January 23, 2015

    Death has some weird way of creeping up in our lives, and make us rethink about our paths and choices and how we want ourselves to be. In the time of all this sadness, Ive been reading a lot. Many oppose polygamy for many stupid, shallow reasons. Some say, we are like given freebies of sexual diseases, and our children are orphans, men are hardly around, the religion does not encourage it etc etc etc. But remember, many will assume to know a lit about Islam, and not even practise it, but suddenly have a profound sense of knowledge in it. Some marry Muslim men but run their own circus at home thinking in their sick minds that they are superior, cultured and educated.

  • Laila

    January 23, 2015

    Ive been quiet and I know that sometimes being too silent makes dear friends wonder. Well, here is my issue or why I can say I am a bit heart broken. My student, my dear one, passed away. She went to bed and never woke up. Many “friends” say it is because of the abuse of drugs, etc. But the thing is, she was stressed out and had worn herself thin by studying a lot. Her passing taught me, her “teacher” many things. To never take tomorrow for granted. If Allah swt has decided to not allow toy to awaken from your slumber, then that is what will happen. I cannot believe how her death has affected me. It is as though I lost one chick from the rest of the group. Ive been crying and it has certainly upset me.

  • ummof4

    January 23, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Welcome back Lynn, good to hear from you again.

    To answer your question Sara, I’ve told my story before a long time ago, so this will be the condensed version. I have never had a problem with polygyny. As a teenager I began to study other cultures of Africa and Asia and discovered that polygyny was quite common in certain cultures. It always sounded better to me than all of the sneaking, cheating and lying that I noticed growing up in the good ole USA. Before I was Muslim I even had conversations with my friends, both male and female, and some agreed with me and some thought I was crazy.
    I married in 1975 and we became Muslim in 1976; polygyny was not discussed and didn’t need to be. After 9 years of marriage and two children, my husband said that he wanted to marry one of the divorced sisters in our Muslim community. I was completely okay with it because she was a good person who did not cause problems with others. I planned her bridal shower and their waleemah because we felt it was important that their marriage be public and not a dirty little secret. For 14 years everything was fine. The two wives were not close friends, but we never did anything to hurt each other. When other people did try to cause fitnah, I just ignored them. My husband and I had 2 more children and they did not have any. She had a teenage son when they were first married. Then one day my husband told me they were getting divorced. I never interfered in their marriage and she never interfered in our marriage, so I don’t know why they were divorced. It took my children and me two years to adjust to the fact that my husband was with us full time. My husband, my former co-wife and I still live in the same city and frequent the same masjid.

    My husband has married again two more times. One marriage was very short because the second wife was abusive to me online and said negative things to my husband about me. He wasn’t having it, so he divorced her. My husband has a few ground rules concerning marriage, one of them is do not backbite or abuse the other wife. The next second marriage is still in effect. Allah knows how long it will last, but I do not concern myself with the marriage of my husband and his other wife. I am friendly to her and she is friendly to me.

    So that’s my condensed version.

    Everyone Jum’uah Mubarak. We are having a celebration today for my oldest granddaughter who just finished memorizing Juz Amma, Alhamdulillah!

  • Shabanah

    January 23, 2015

    Ummof4 the style of your writing reminds me of cowives club. You two seem to have similar personalities. I’ve missed you ummof4as we’ll as coco and spirited. Ana have you heard from them? I know coco had a lot of personal issues I pray all is well with her and family. It does not seem like her not to check in for this long

  • Marie

    January 23, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum All ,

    Hey Lynn, welcome back, I don’t speak to my co either. Have no desire to.

    Ana, shabanah, y’all gon make me cry with what you wrote. Allah u Akbar.

    Sara, I’ll try keep my story real quick. Hubz married his ex girlfriend who he had children by. The first time he mentioned it, we wasn’t even married. At first I said yes Ok then after spending 2days in bed crying I did a 360 and told him to chose one of us. We spent sometime apart and he made his intention to marry only me. I knew their was a possibility that he would marry the other sister, but I thought, he might get over it, and she wouldn’t want to be married to someone who had rejected her. Anyway for the first year of our marriage she was still lurking in the background. One day she basically asked hubz to marry her. He spoke to me about it, i told him to do what doing, I’ll deal with it Insha’allah. They got married may last year. From the beginning, iv been Ok, then crazy, depressed. And just about every emotion you can imagine. Some days I was good others I was a mess. I’m quite stable at the moment alhamdulilah. I get p!$$ed off sometimes but, no pain and despair. So in total it’s took 2years to get to where I am now.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & hello to everyone this lovely day of Jummah

    @Shabanah,

    I second all you said. Well said, well said

    @Lynn,

    It was Sis Noor. I couldn’t remember her name for the life of me. I’ve been thinking about the other Nur who was here from Qatar who married the Egyptian as second wife. She ended up divorcing and moving back to the U.S. She really loved her husband. It was amazing the first wife was all gun ho about the marriage and supported it, but then did a 360 turn around.

    Allah has been really good to you. You just came back from a vacation and celebrating your daughter’s engagement. Alhumdulliah. Although you said you don’t know how to put it, but you could see the blessings from Allah. I know exactly what you mean. Life becomes so beautiful when we put our selfishness aside and seek the good pleasure of Allah. It brings so much joy to our lives. It’s so beautiful. Life keeps getting better.

    I always remember what your husband said that we are somewhat like actors staring in a play. We are like puppets on a string and Allah is the director. What he said was so heavy and soooooo true. Insha Allah, I’ll never forget it.

    About you not communicating with the other, it’s no biggy. It’s not mandatory that co-wives communicate. As you stated, continue to put your focus where it needs to be – on Allah – and all will be A-okay. A co-wife or no one else will benefit us on the Day of Judgment.

    Okay, it time for me to retire to the boudoir for some more shut eye. Adios! Insha Allah, I’ll chat with you all later. Over and Out!

  • Lynn

    January 23, 2015

    Oh dear maybe Sis Noor 🙂 Ms. P is still around I have not murdered her LOL the cute Baby H is coming to 4 tis year. How time flies! psst I still have no desire to see her or the baby so situation still no change. We share one husband but we are not connected to one another for now.

    If you can remember my story well I have asked for divorce then reconcile and here I am still happily stuck with hubby hehe

    It is definitely not easy to lead a polygamy life but still manageable provided you put Allah first. Tawakkal and believe that what has been decreed is to our best interest. Allah loves us!

    Just came back from our family vacation right after my eldest daughter’s engagement. Oh Ana I truly felt so blessed. Everything is going so well if I put my jealousy aside and just focus on Him and not hubby. I dont know how to put it through in writing but I could see his blessings. Allah makes it easy for me.

  • Shabanah

    January 23, 2015

    Lovely Ana. Many thanks to Allah Swt for allowing all of our paths to meet at exactly the perfect time. Much gratitude to Allah Swt for allowing us to be a supporter and beacon of light for one another. Tremendous gratefulness to Allah Swt for giving you Ana the courage and concern and ability to create such a unique solid platform for those of us blessed with polygamous relationships for we have something in common with the mothers of the ummah. Hazrat Ayesha RA and the other blessed wives of Our Holy Prophet Pbuh. Yes it’s difficult and unbearable at times but all that pain pushes us into sajda closer to our Lord which is the perfect position to pray. I love all of you. May the mutual love we share for Allah and His Beloved Prophet Muhammad Pbuh bring us closer together and one day reunite if not on this world then the next

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2015

    @Lynn, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I am so happy you are back with us I think of you from time to time, and was just recently thinking about emailing you. Now, here you are. I’m so happy to hear you are doing better. It all takes time and a lot of turning to Allah constantly – always remembering Him every second of the day. Things do get way better though. Anyhow, whenever you feel ready, jump in and join us. {{{hugs}}}

    You always have the cutest avatars. Oh, how is her name just escaped me – our sister who you did a meet and greet with. Insha Allah, she will come back, as well. I think she left because she couldn’t deal with Jenny being here. Anyhow, Jenny is gone, so perhaps she’ll join us again. Wow, I can’t believe I can’t remember her name

  • Lynn

    January 22, 2015

    Salam everyone 🙂

    Hope everyone is coping well. I am back after a long while. Still hanging tough. Alhamdullillah more relax now with pain now and then 😛 but life still goes on.

    Sis Ana
    I know I will have a lot of reading and catching up to do. Will talk soon.

  • Hilly

    January 22, 2015

    Sara

    Just like all the sisters here, acceptance did not come over night. It all started about 11 years ago. The married took a couple of years before it actually happen. Like I said I was informed about everything from talking to the co’s parents and her siblings. The hubby and I had many conversations. The talks did not ease the way I felt. In spite of how I felt, I still helped hubby with picking out his tuxedo and shopping for things that they both would need. I helped out as much as Allah swt allowed me too. But, don’t think for a moment that I did not have an emotional roller coaster ride with my emotions. Even during this time there was so much happening in my life. I was laid off from work and a short time after that I had a stroke and then I had to deal with the ideal that my husband was taking another wife. Praise to Allah swt I have come a long way. So dear, don’t feel as though you are crazy and you are alone in this. As you have found out you are not alone and I pray that all the advise that we have given you has helped you in many ways. I pray that Allah swt gives you the strength and the victory in your marriage. I pray that you will become closer to Allah swt with pray and remembrances of Allah swt. Please take care. Many HUGS to you.

  • Shabanah

    January 22, 2015

    Sara

    It took me awhile to accept the situation. I married as a third wife when I was sixteen. We all live under the same roof always have. The circumstances of my situation is much much different from yours. I also married abroad so I don’t live in the US where I was born and raised. Everything is different. The language the culture the people the food. I was pregnant within the first seven months no family here with me. I didn’t even know I was to getting married when I came to visit. I married only two weeks after arrival. And my hubs is more than double my age so I was at war with a lot. You seem to have a mild case of polygamous issues yet it’s quite normal. I didn’t 100% come to peace and acceptance with my life until the year 2013. Here I am seven years later, two handsome sons and I’m content. And I found the emotional support system here at polygamy 411 I was yearning for for years.

  • Sara

    January 22, 2015

    Thank you everyone for your replies…I don’t think I’ll ever end my never ending questions…they just keep coming! Lol…
    I enjoy reading other peoples perspectives…people who have different opinions than what I usually here…
    I’m getting to know u all a bit more through your posts but I would really love to know about how u became polygamous…and how long it took u to be ok…if you would like to id love to hear your stories…

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    It’s such a good feeling to have everyone chip in and help one another. I pray Allah (SWT) is well pleased with us all. I’d like to say I appreciate each and everyone of you being here at the 411. This blog would be nothing without the writers/commentators. You help make this blog what it is. I pray Allah will continue to provide this blog as a means for us all to do good and not evil. I pray that Allah will continue to bless us, protect us and guide us. I pray that He forgives us for any wrong that we have done, and continue to bestow His Mercy upon us.

    Everyone has written very nice posts with excellent reminders. Alhumdulliah!!! I need all the reminders I can get. God bless…

  • ummof4

    January 22, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Sara, as the other sisters have stated, the children will be okay with polygyny if the parents are okay with polygyny. My adult children were all reared in polygyny and have no problem with it. My sons are not polygynous, but neither of them told their wives that they never would be. No one knows what the future holds. My older daughter did not like it for some years, but now that she is over 30 years old, she’s okay with it. My youngest daughter has always been okay with it. All of my children are married with children. Recently my grandchildren were over my house and talked to my husband’s other wife on Skype. She is just their grandfather’s other wife. No big deal.

    It’s interesting how people equate clothing styles with righteousness. I have been Muslim for 39 years. For the first 16 years I wore loose dresses, skirts and long blouses, many of which I made myself. Then a sister gave me a jilbab/overgarment. When I wore it, I fell in love with it. It was so cool and even more flowing than my very loose dresses, skirts and blouses. It is also a lot easier to dress in layers in the cold weather. Then in the summer, just a sleeveless dress, an abaya, and a khimar, and I’m good to go! Bit by bit I started to wear jilbab and abaya all the time. I wear them because they are easy to put on, and you only have to worry about matching the khimar, not the whole outfit. As Ana stated, you can have a very limited wardrobe and still look nice if you can’t or don’t have a desire to have a lot of clothing. I have never worn niqab (except for one time when I had a bad cold and still had to go to work).

    Sara, polygyny is not just for the “religious Muslims”. However, as many of the sisters here have stated, polygyny is often the test that makes many women (and a few mwn) become more religious. It makes them depend on Allah instead of humans; it makes them want to please Allah more than humans; it teaches them humility; it makes them deal with their emotions and learn to control them according to Islam.

    Everyone have a blessed day and remember to make all your salahs on time and help someone less fortunate than you today. Helping others makes one appreciate Allah’s blessings even more.

  • Hilly

    January 22, 2015

    Sara
    I pray that you are doing good today. It is never to late to turn to Allah swt. Each day when Allah swt has allow us to wake again is a new day for us to say alhumduallah and we have a chance again. Marshallah it really sounds like your husband loves you very much and gives you the respect that you deserve. Your situation sounds like mines. The hub told we everything from the start of things. Even he did not have I am so glad that he did. As for my relationship it is so much better than it was when it was just him and I. He sat down with the kids and explain everything. Not to many questions came from my sons, but my girls where glad to have to moms. This time 2 of my daugthers are with hubby. You asked about the fairness. It is hard I see from where I stand. My co does not even live in the USA, so the hub stays with her for 6 months and 6 months with me. We speak and see each other everyday by skype. I use to get upset when I would have a situation I felt that I could not handle with my sons. I have come to realize that the only one that can truly help me with any situation is Allah swt. And it is not written that everyone has to live under the same roof, but as believers we have to be kind to each other. If this is one of your concerns, than just have a talk with your husband. My opinion is to have peace we must have our separate place. And for you to have peace with any situation you must turn to Allah swt. May Allah swt guide you though these times and give you peace.

  • Marie

    January 22, 2015

    On my gosh Ana, when hubz first married again and I was in one of my ‘ don’t care’ moods I sang this to him loool

  • Marie

    January 22, 2015

    Sara, my children are 8, 4 and 1. Obviously the 1 year old doesn’t understand polygamy yet, but the other two do. They know daddy has two wives. They don’t find it strange it’s part of their lives. They sometimes ask casually “is dad here tonight”. My 4 year old jumps into my bed every night that my hubz isn’t here. So I don’t get the advantage of a bed all to myself lol. Hubz sees them almost everyday, sometimes does the school run and takes them to my co’s house for dinner. They have great bonds with hubz other children and see them as full brother and sisters.

    Now if I showed disapproval of polygamy I’m sure they would hate that daddy has two wives and wouldn’t like my co. I think it’s normal so they do.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2015

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2015

    What’s love got to do with it? What’s important is that Allah loves you. Someone loving us isn’t going to do a thing for us. Everything comes from Allah. Don’t try to measure love. Does he love you more or her? It’s doesn’t matter. What difference does it make in the realm of things. Remember, if you turn to Allah, he will turn His creation towards you. If you turn to His creation, He will turn His creation away from you. If you want your husband to love you, love Allah first and foremost and more than anything.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2015

    Sara,

    I think you’re looking at it correctly. IF your husband is so much in love with the other woman, he’d leave you and spend all his time loving her. His love for you must be strong. You and he already had a separation. He, however, came back to reconcile with you. He wants his marriage with you. When he was separated from you it was the prime time for him to get a fresh start and move on. It didn’t happen. You said you noticed yourself that your marriage is stronger than ever and he lets you know he loves you deeply. Don’t discount any of it. It’s real.

    It’s not too late for you to begin to really learn your religion and live it. It’s not too late, due to seeing your mother abhor polygamy, for you to accept polygamy completely in your heart and to live in a polygamous marriage in which you could be very happy, content and at peace in it. It’s doable. Mark my words. It takes time. It takes effort. It take loving Allah more than anything and anyone on the face of this planet. It takes worshiping Allah full-time. He does not like when we give Him part-time worship. The only reason we are on this planet is to worship Allah. He tests us to see who is best in conduct. He knows who is. He wrote the script. He makes everything happen. It is we who don’t know.

  • Sara

    January 22, 2015

    You are completly right Ana…I won’t make that mistake with my kids…I was raised that way and my mom abhors polygamy…but she accepts that’s it’s in the religion…I think it’s too late for me to change my way of thinking but I can teach my kids…
    About loving equal you are right there are varying degrees of love…he says he loves both but it goes up and down…I say to myself he had the apportioning to leave me numerous times to start a life w her…he didn’t…but I don’t know…and to b honest I don’t want to have a fixation on that…

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2015

    @Sara,

    About children and them becoming confused, if the the father is polygamous. It’s the obligation of the parents to teach their children about polygamy when the children are old enough to understand. Parents should teach their children that their father is allowed by God/Allah to have four wives and that they (the children) may one day have some 1/2 brothers and sisters as a result.

    The problem is the Muslim parents hide that information from the children or don’t tell the children until they are confronted with polygamy, which is too late. Even when the polygamous marriage takes place and is a reality, some mothers hide the information from the children.

    We shouldn’t be ashamed of our religion – way of life-. We should be proud of our way of life. Parents should teach their children at an early age to give them the foundation needed to love our religion and accept everything in the Holy Quran.

    Now, if people want to hold onto a saying that is not in the Quran – “Paradise is at the feet of the mother”-it’s where the saying would apply. Teach your children about everything that is in the Holy Quran when they are old enough to understand in their formative years. Teach the children to be good Muslims who love their religion. Only Allah knows how they’ll turn out, as their lives are mapped out for them the same as ours are. At least the parents would have done their job.

    Parents teach children fairy-tales, teaches them about the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, jack and the bean stalk, Cinderella, the woman who lived in the shoe and such things. They don’t teach children the truth and what they need to know to have a good life in this world and be successful.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2015

    You must bear in mind, the Prophets mentioned in the Quran are our examples. We are to apply their stories to our lives as a guide.

    The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was polygamous and monogamous and both forms of marriages are okay. The prophet Muhammad (PBUH) we know was polygamous, which lets us know polygamy is a good form of marriage. It’s the people who engage in polygamy and monogamy who makes the marriages what they become. The institution of marriage whether monogamous or polygamous is good. Both are acceptable forms of marriage.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2015

    @Sara,

    Allah doesn’t contradict himself in the Quran. When I first became Muslim I thought as you do – that Allah was saying a man can’t be just between his wives in a polygamous marriage, but if he wants to try, he can.

    I later learned I was just fishing for a way to prove polygamy is not permissible. I later got the correct understanding. I wrote a post about the ayat (verses) you may want to read: https://www.polygamy411.com/allah-permits-men-four-wives/

    To sum it up, we are all supposed to be just and kind to everyone in all our dealings unless the person fights up for our faith. It includes men treatment of his wives.

    Allah STRESSES that it is way important that a man deals justly with orphans. A husband may marry a woman who has children that are not his biological children. If the man doesn’t like children, or doesn’t want to be bothered with another man’s children, then it’s best he only marry a woman who has no children or has his children already. Allah stress in the Quran in a number of ayat how important orphans are – the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was an orphan. It’s what the ayah (verse) means. Allah speaks about orphans in that surah and Ayat (verses).

    Now, when it comes to wives, Allah says a man cannot be just with the women. A man will love one of his wives more than another. He will love his wives in varying degrees. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was concerned because he loved one of his wives more than his other wives. Allah revealed the ayah to him that lets him know a man will love one wife more than another. He won’t love his wives all the same, but IT’S okay. Allah places love in the hearts. A man or woman can’t place it there.

    Your husband says he love you and the other wife the same. I think your husband is being diplomatic. He doesn’t want to hurt you by saying he loves the other more than you, or maybe he doesn’t want to let you know he loves you more, as you may tell the other and it would upset her or he thinks you may get a big head and become arrogant I don’t know.

  • Sara

    January 22, 2015

    I’m not scared of divorce Ana…I’m financially fine…I’m still 30….I have a good support system…I know for a fact even if he married her and he stays alone with her it won’t work but only God knows that…I’m trying to look for my peace if mind and avoid instability…like as I said in the earlier post if it was two of you it’s more stable as there’s no one else to make decisions with…but w a third it all changes…and there’s always possibility the second doesn’t last…dont u feel that the husband will always b in a state of confusion..

  • Shabanah

    January 22, 2015

    Hello ladies I just upgraded my phone from a Samsung galaxy to an iPhone 5. It’s cool.
    Marie I like your style. I also like to wear skinnies under my abaya with moccasin boots or wedge heels.

  • Sara

    January 22, 2015

    Yes you guys are right…wearing a veil or not doesn’t make you any less or more pioused…it’s what’s in the heart that counts…I just meant I never heard of peoples who weren’t veiled polygamous…usually it’s the ones with niqab and abayah that adopt that kind of life…
    Polygamy either makes you stronger or breaks you…yes mari2 how do u feel going back to first then soon becoming second…do u feel that it’s turmoil?
    You see this is something that I’m afraid of…for example I might say yes polygamy is fine then go with it…but I don’t know how I’ll manage if for example it doesn’t work out then hubz is on the lookout again for another person…it’s unstable to me…or hubz looks for wife number 3…it’s like a never ending story if you know what I mean..and will give me instability since I’m not a strong person…I think one has to reach a point in their life when nothing affects you but God…it takesyears and lots of hard work…husband keeps saying why should anything affect u…most important is I love u and I keep everything harmful from u…concentrate on what u have…
    But what about my kids..what about when they grow up I have to tell them dad has another wife he loves? When kids growing up like fantasy happily ever after love stories and won’t understand how dad is w two women…especially when it’s rare…do u think that will affect then more than a divorce or less? I’m not sure…because for example w a divorce they will get affected that dad doesn’t live w them anymore…but he’s their dad and loves them and can b w them when they want…whereas in polygamy dad has another women…he sleeps here half the time and the other half he has another secret life we don’t know about..other kids too…hmmm…then growing up my kids would think it’s perfectly normal and wouldn’t have a problem with polygany…
    Ana I don’t know but u said if I leave the marriage it means I don’t like what God has decided for my husband…but don’t u think it’s a choice my hubz is making? Don’t u think a choice has to be made with two people? I was reading ur post on secret wives…it’s really sad to b a secret wife but some men have no choice because they don’t have the guts to tell their wives…they are too scared…my husband at least is coming up and saying it out in the open…I want to b like this u want to stay or leave…id hate it if he went along and did it and I find out I’m in that situation…it’s like he stabbed me behind my back…I read an interesting article on infidelity and they said that the actual infidelity doesn’t break a marriage but the lies that we’re told and dishonesty does…if someone comes out clean they have more of a chance to fix something and make it work…and I agree completly woth what u said about him pressuring me to agree…he let me know what he wanted..that’s it..I can’t promise him I will stay or leave because how the hell would I know if I will be happy or not..it’s only when ur in it that Ull know…so I can’t make that decision…I really believe in living one day at a time…
    One more thing that I’m curious about…God said in the Quran that man is allowed to marry 4 but he also says u should be just and after he said u will never be just…so does that mean that he knows no man can be just and is saying it’s impossible so it’s better to be monogamous?

  • Marie

    January 22, 2015

    I agree with Ana, that women wear niqab for a number of reason. I know a sister that as soon as she converted she wore, abaya, niqab, gloves. Personally I wear what I feel comfortable in. Most of the time I wear abaya and headscarve. My personal fashion is tight fitting, jeans, leggings, tops and dresses, I put my abaya over the top. If I go to the city center or a crowded place then I’ll wear niqab as I look quite young and pretty. The Pakistani men can’t keep their eyes off me. Also if I have make up on (to impress the hubz) I’ll put my niqab on as well when I go out. I have been known to wear my jeans and a long coat that covers me to my knees.

    Hubz wears a thobe to go jummah and when he prays so his awarah doesn’t show when he prostates. He doesn’t have to worry incase his t-shirt or jumper moves and shows part of his back.

    I remember the sheikh at the masjid said Muslims should dress nicely and smell good, he’s from France and couldn’t understand when he came to England why most people look like a Pakistani peasant. Lol.

    Ok so, I all bunged up with a cold. I feel like rubbish. I have my pregnancy scan on Monday and can’t wait Insha’allah everything will fine.

    Chat later you lovely ladies.

  • Shabanah

    January 21, 2015

    Ana you have me laughing so much when you said “boobages”. LOL

    I agree with the ladies. Everyone has their own reasons for being veiled. I LOVE abaya. Im obsessed with them. I love the elegance modesty of abaya. Niqab is a different story. When I go out, I wear abaya purda and sunglasses for my own protection. Its strange though. My entire body covered doesn’t stop the Pakistani men and women from staring at me like they have xray vision. It boils my blood. Its quite rude to be frank. I would feel very uncomfortable going outdoors wearing something other than abaya. Sara not being veiled doesn’t mean you are less pious or less religious than s veiled individual. Dont judge a woman by abaya

  • anabellah

    January 21, 2015

    Maybe they need to do some time travel. You feeling me?

  • anabellah

    January 21, 2015

    @Mari2

    You said a mouth full when you said, ” culture’s/men’s definition of purdah” As long as a woman cover her body parts, don’t have her boobages hanging out and tight fitting, figure revealing, butt hugging clothes on; you get the picture; she’s cool. Now, going to Hajj/Ummrah is a whole different scenario, there is an appropriate dress there. It’s my take on it.

    I just think it’s weird in the West, in the good ole U.S. of A women and men look as though they just step out of the desert; they got lost in time. Now, don’t get me wrong, if they come from those places and migrated from those places, or their families originated from those places, I can get with it. But people you know were born and raised in the west, converted/reverted and adopted someone’s else form of dress is a different story. It’s just my take on it. To each their own. You won’t find me looking that way in the U.S. of A, it’s all I’m saying.

    Mari2, how do you figure you will be the wife who married second. You married second, then your husband divorced the first wife. She gone with the wind. It now makes you the wife who married first, since first is out of the picture and he hasn’t married the cousin yet. How do you figure?

  • Mari2

    January 21, 2015

    @ Sara,
    Purdah is a woman’s choice. I wear hijab when at the mosque for jummah. I would love to own abaya rather than shalwar simply because abaya is easier and can be tossed on top whatever a woman is wearing. I do not veil/niqab because the limited visual ability would make me 1) visually inept and 2)hot, crowded,and angry. I have no problem covering myself for jummah, but burqa or niqab on a daily basis would drive me to distraction and annoyance. But that is just me. I’d rather focus on Allah than culture’s/men’s definition of purdah.

    Likewise, I also am a second/first/soon to be second wife again. I have absolutely no issue with polygamy as stated in Islam. However, I do draw the line with “culture”. All I can advise is that you know your rights, decide what you are comfortable with, pray, and proceed from there. I know Gail likes the idea of multi-family living. I myself eschew the idea. Neither she nor I am wrong with regard to Islam.

    And yes Sara, you are “normal”. It takes years to come to peace with Allah’s will. And sometimes where our husbands are concerned, there seems as though there is no peace with regard to other wives . All I can recommend is that you look to Allah. Go to Him and just let all that you feel and doubt fall by the wayside.

  • anabellah

    January 21, 2015

    Sara,

    I can’t begin to emphasize enough that the way you feel and the thoughts you have about your husband becoming polygamous are the same feelings and thoughts all women have when their husbands are about to become polygamous or are polygamous. You are “normal” – whatever that is LOL. Don’t think otherwise.

    I think you are probably correct that Allah possibly is testing you with polygamy. Look at all that you’ve been doing. You’ve been taking a good hard look at yourself, your marriage and your life. You are beginning to know the feelings you have, and whether they are good or bad. You know what you need work on to become a better person. Your husband becoming polygamous could be a vehicle to take you where you need to go to get your soul right, so you’ll have an opportunity to enter Jannah/Paradise. The test is to show you where you need the most work and help.

    I don’t doubt you and she are of the mindset that you or she will leave the marriage. You may both be counting on the other one leaving. She may be hoping you will divorce him and you think she may not want to be a woman who married second.

    Sara, you need to ask yourself what you will gain, if you leave your husband? If you have no reason to leave him other than polygamy then it means you don’t accept a way of life that Allah has made permissible for men. If your husband ends up marrying the other woman, it will be because Allah decreed it. If you leave the marriage, in essence, it’s because you don’t like want Allah decided for your husband.

    I think you’d cut off your nose to spite your face, if you leave him. She’ll have your husband and possibly will have children by him. They will be a family. You, on the other hand, will be a single parent, not knowing what the future holds for you. Your children will have divorced parents. Do you know how many women are out there on the planet are trying to find a husband? You’ll be added to that group. Then you’ll have to concern yourself with whether or not the man you marry, if Allah gives you someone who wants to marry you, will accept your children. You’ll have to make sure the man will want and love your children. Who better to want and love your children than their father?

    Your husband shouldn’t put pressure on you to give him an answer. You said he wants to know whether you are seriously receptive of this before he asks her to marry him. He did right by consulting you about it, as Allah says we should consult one another about our affairs. It’s what believers do. It’s as far as it goes though. As Ummof4 said, he doesn’t need your permission. He is within his right to simply speak to you about it – inform you – then make his intent to do it or not. He shouldn’t put pressure on you to say yea or nay. The burden shouldn’t be on you. As you said, you don’t know how things will go in the future. You’re not living polygamy yet, so how in the world are you supposed to know how you’ll react and what you’ll do?

    I’d imagine it’s difficult being in limbo and who knows whether or not, he and she are intimate. Adultery is a heinous sin. He’d do best to marry her or leave her alone because he is married to you and he has intimate feelings of love for her. Allah says don’t come nigh to adultery.

    What he says polygamy will make him religious and not look at any other women because he’ll have her and you, how does he know this? He can’t predict the future. Men are allowed four wives. Allah could give him 4 wives

  • Gail

    January 21, 2015

    Shabanah,
    I have lived both ways with my excowife separate and under the same roof.I prefer under the same roof.I was explaining to Sara she actually has options she need not feel like her husband and the other woman is taking her for a ride so to speak.I do agree with u living under the same roof poses a ALOT of issues that u would not have to deal with if u live separate but then again if u don’t want to share your husband and split your life then joint family is seriously the best option in my humble opinion.I totally get where u r coming from in your situation and I think in your case since u r not with your husband that much u would benefit from completely separate housing but then again your children have access to there Dad daily.It really is a hard choice to make I think for woman with children in child bearing years when your main motivation is family and children.
    I really think it comes down to how mentally and emotionally strong a woman is and how much she is willing to take for the sake of the family unit.
    What I mean by that is like in Sara situation and my own I felt like my cowife was stabbing me in the back as I get the feeling u feel pretty much the same way about your second cowife also.My thinking is we are all human and we want to lash out and choke the living life out of the other woman and tell G.D innocently I killed that evil devil like u did humanity a great justice.lol I totally get it been there wanted to do that with my cowife and my husband both but now that I have had a few years to think on the situation I feel totally different.I feel now that patience is a truly a virtue and sometimes u might have to take one for the team.The first step is to decide if u even r a team and if your not then by all means live separate lives there is no force or compulsion on anyone.
    Now if u decide i want to be a team unit then both/all cowives must get together and talk and put everything out on the table and let their guard down and get all their negative and hurt feelings out on the table with each other.This does not happen in most cases until years down the line and it is never easy.I would suspect though if cowives tackled this issue upfront and acted like a team and truly cared about each other then it would be alot easier in the long run.Not perfect but easier.
    I love the idea of Polygamy but I don’t think most woman really have a desire to live joint family and raise the children in a one family unit.Which to me means that in most cases they really don’t accept the idea of Polygamy.
    Polygamy is an belief not just ok I accept the man but not the belief.I am not saying it is easy because G.D knows it is not.These r only my personal thoughts I am sharing about what I believe about Polygamy.
    I would never accept Polygamy if I didn’t like my cowife I personally would opt for divorce if I was a younger woman.If I was and older woman with no children or adult children then I think it’s the perfect set up that seems to really work for a woman that doesn’t have children.
    Others here like Umoff4 are also living Polygamy where they don’t live with their cowife and r raising children etc.. and it is working for them.I just know me and I am inclined towards joint family since I have children but I don’t have a cowife anymore so it is easy for me to say that had I had to live with the little devil everyday I might be singing a different tune.lol

  • anabellah

    January 21, 2015

    Sara,

    About being religious and veiled, I just thought I’d mention that being veiled isn’t an indication of piety or that a person is very religious. Sisters-in-faith wear burka or the veil for various reasons:

    Some wear it because they don’t have much money to buy other clothes. With burka a sister probably only needs a few get ups (outfits) to wear and she could wear those until they look worn. It’s economical.

    I know a sister who doesn’t wear burka but began to cover in I guess it is abyah . She told me she began wearing it because she has no money and they were easy to make. She said she began wearing it for affordability. She sews.

    Some wear it only for Jumah prayer. I had mentioned before that my hubz went to Jumah one Friday. When he left he recognized a sister-in-faith based on the way she was dressed. She was in a car, pulled over on the side of the road and he thought she was having a problem with her vehicle. As he approached to see if she needed help, he saw her pulling off her get up. She apparently had just come from Jumah and did a superman in the telephone booth.

    Some people wear it because they are very unattractive (a nice way of saying ugly) and they have no qualms about covering up.

    Some wear it for the attention, the stares they get.

    Some wear it to be seen by Muslims as being pious.

    Some wear it because their husbands want them to. I was close to a sister-in-faith years ago who said she asked her husband if he wanted her to wear it. He said no. She was only going to wear it to please him. She soon thereafter, left him and Islam. Jenny who was here began to dress in a modest way because she thought her husband would like it. He supposedly told her to go back to dressing the way she had been. He didn’t like her in Muslim looking clothing.

    I say it all to say don’t be fooled by the clothes people wear. They could have it on for any number of reasons.

  • Sara

    January 21, 2015

    Thank you for all your comments….I will keep reading ur posts ana…I believe in time everything will be clear for me…

  • Hilly

    January 21, 2015

    Sara

    I don’t know what to say, the sisters here have said it all, marshallah. I pray that with each passing day you come closer to Allah swt. With lots of prayer and zitra, inshallah your pain will decrease and your faith increase. Alhumduiallah for everything that comes from Allah swt. For this is the beginning, and it is hard, but if it is written for your husband to marry again, just remember Allah swt place you in polygamy and Allah swt is the one who will guide you and help you. I pray that you stay with us. I wish that I could give you a BIG, BIG HUG right now.

  • Shabanah

    January 21, 2015

    Hilly Thank you for your lovely compliments and support. You made my day. May Allah bless you with the patience of Prophet Ayyub and the perseverance of Hazrat Bilal. Much love

  • Sara

    January 21, 2015

    Ur right Ana I don’t know how to explain but ever since he told me about it we somehow got closer than we ever were before…it’s like he felt I understood or I’m trying to and he opened up to me…it’s so weird I can’t explain it…our relationship is perfect…and shabanah ur right…throughout my marriage I always put my husband first…like I love him in a crazy obsession way…that’s not normal…which is why it’s hard for me to accept this…I always felt our love was strong and I own him if u know what I mean…sometimes I feel God did this to me to test me…to tell me u shouldn’t love someone this much…Marie I relate to u completely..it’s the actual deed that hurts…I keep saying there must be something wrong with me I must lack something…he keeps saying he loves two women equally and that’s why he wants to be polygamous..that makes it worse because deep down inside u want to hear that he loves you more…he says hell b fair and well all b happy…yes if they get married it will happen the kids but it’s so difficult to accept…I want him to only have kids w me…and live my kids…bit selfish…but that’s how I feel…Ummo I have read parts of the book from the internet…they did help…
    Shabana no they are not engaged or have a wedding date…this is how it goes…when he separated from me he did it because we had problems and he got in touch w her…she was someone from his past and they didn’t end up getting married…she was devastated…so she contacted him and they started talking again…that’s when he decided to separate from me bcuz things weren’t working out..he thought maybe it would w her…she’s divorced…so that was his plan but then he realized he still loved me and came back to me…but she didn’t leave…that’s when he started talking to me abt polygamy…long story short I thought he was bluffing…I didn’t think there was someone else even if he was saying he wanted to get married…when I found out wanted to walk out..then I thought of another plan…I said I’m going to accept so maybe she’ll get away from him…bcuz I said she would leave if she’d have to be a second…I was bluffing abt accepting I just wanted her out…one year later and we’re still in the same situation….it’s like we’re fighting for the guy hoping one of us will go…I’m not happy w the situation bcuz he’s seeing her secretly..I don’t know to what extend their relation is intimate wise…but they are close…he says he will not pressure her to b his wife until he’s sure I’m in…I’m in for good…till then will he do it…I’m scared to tell him I’m in 100% and then boom she comes and they get married…how could I b in for good when I dunno how I’ll feel after…he says no u can’t go in something u don’t believe in and if u go in like that it won’t work…how can I encourage him or give him my word??
    I always thought polygamy was for imams and religious veiled women and people that are real religious…I didn’t think it would happen to me…I’m not religious but I’m not way modern…I’m in between…he’s not either…In the back if my head I always wanted to end up being veiled and religious but I don’t know when…for him he says he wants to be religious and this would help him achieve his goal…so he doesn’t look at another women and concentrate in his family and religion…I shouldn’t care abt society but we are known in this society so peoples opinions will make an impact on me whether I like it or not…
    I can’t stay like this I know…I can’t watch this happening secretly…I feel if I’m in then he will make a move…but I’m just not ready…for the change…I don’t know what he would do if I leave…whether he will give up the idea…but then I’m scared he does and stays w me but is unhappy…then I say what’s more important his happiness or mine?!

  • ummof4

    January 21, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Welcome to the blog Sara,

    As all the other ladies have said, it is painful at first. As women who love our husbands we have all sorts of emotions when the reality of polygyny or the talk of polygyny first confronts us.

    As Gail and others have stated, your husband has been considerate of you. He sounds like a man who just wants more than one wife. He even tried to leave you, but couldn’t, and came back. He loves you and wants to be married to you.

    You say that the woman he plans to marry knew that he was married to you, but still wanted to marry him. Maybe she saw in him qualities that she wanted in a husband. It doesn’t matter if a man is married or not to many women, and it doesn’t have to matter. What matters is if he can fulfill the duties of a husband.

    Alhamdulillah, you are not anti-polygyny, just going through the phases that we all go through. Stay on this blog, it will probably be just what you need at this time in your life.

    As far as your 3 choices, if I were to advise you, I would say from what you have shared with us, stay married and turn to Allah for help. Make obedience to Allah your main focus and Allah will make it easy for you. As another sister has already said, you don’t own your husband, so he doesn’t need your permission to marry another. Allah owns all of us, and takes our souls whenever He wants.

    People will talk no matter what we do. We are not here to please people. We were created to worship Allah. If those around you do not like polygyny, that’s their problem, not yours.

    As far as successful polygynous marriages, we have a number of them on this site. My definition of a successful marriage, whether monogamous or polygynous, is a marriage in which husband and wife put Allah first and do all that they can to obey Allah. That is the key to success. That is what my husband and I have strived to do for the past 40 years, and I believe that it works. Allah has always been more important than my husband or my children or my family or my friends. And the same for my husband–I have never been more important to him than his relationship with Allah.

    So, Sara, keep up the good work and feel free to vent with us. I believe you have come to the right place at the right time since Allah has sent you here.

    Everyone, be safe today and remember Allah often.

  • Shabanah

    January 21, 2015

    What is the status of your hubs and the other? Engaged? Do they have a wedding date?

  • Shabanah

    January 21, 2015

    Sara, I felt the same way you are feeling now. One minute I wanted a divorce the next I didnt. I wanted to pack my bags and run away. I wanted to harm my own self. Alhumdullilaah Allah saved me from myself and the evil whispers from Shaytaan. Dont let your husbands future wife win. She doesn’t deserve to. Leaving him is giving her what she wants. You may think the grass is greener on the other side it may be but it may not. Are you willing to take that risk. And you have children. You have to put their feelings into perspective too. Your husband is good to you and he caters to your feelings. Some of us can only dream of that. Hang in there. Dont make emotional decisions.

  • Sara

    January 21, 2015

    I guess I hate her because she knew he was married….and she still continued…worst part is I know her too…so u can feel my shock…I feel she’s also trying to make him take me out of the picture so she has him for herself…and she’s secretly doing it…
    I’ve been doing lots of research about this subject….as I said im neutral…I’m trying to c what’s best for me and my kids…I think talking to women who are religious and also polygamous would be a big plus to my decision making…being in limbo is more difficult than I think because ur in a state of confusion…I need a direction…I need to make a decision and continue with it convinced whatever decision it may be…like this I’m only prolonging the suffering….
    Yes pain is a must in our lives…but there’s pain u can avoid and pain u have to deal with…I’m trying to c if it’s worth it….I said earlier I’m strong in my religion but not as strong as all of u I’m sure…I’m not veiled and I live kind if modern…so I have a lot to work on with my relation to God….I seen to forget that we’re here in this world just to Ivey Gid and get to Jannah..
    If I choose to be polygamous I would never want to live under the sane took as my Cowife…I want to live like she doesn’t exist…it will be tough though if he goes half the week and I’m used to seeing him every single day…I’ll feel like a single mother…
    So many questions…so much to think about…step by step I guess and this site will help me…

  • Marie

    January 21, 2015

    Sara, after reading your post again, I realised they are very similar to my first posts. I think I just about pulled every ayat and hadith looking for reasons why he can’t do this and why I don’t have to do this. It pass’s and it’s normal. Here are few things I repeated to myself which kept me Sain most of the time.

    Allah is in control of all the heavens and all the earth.

    This meant, my husband didn’t do this to me, he wasn’t to blame and neither was my co wife to be. It also meant that Allah can take away the pain and make me happy again.

    I refused to listen to my husbands reasons for marrying again, the reasons didn’t matter anyhow, it’s the deed itself that hurts. It’s Allah’s will and I left it at that.

    I was given plain warning in the quran. Allah says he will test us and a man can marry more than one.

    I will not “stand by” my husband in the sense that we are doing this together. I will stand alone as I will on the day of judgement. This is his intention, I will not burden myself with his responsibility.

    Whatever your husband did or didn’t say about you is on him, it’s his book of deeds. He can neither bring harm or good to, it’s all from Allah. Same goes for the other sister.

    You want to have him to yourself, the way things were. It’s a natural feeling. Change is a part of life, if your right with our Lord, the change will benefit you.

    You don’t want to share. Our husbands are not ours, we can’t share something we don’t own.

    children. Them having baby’s confirms they have been intimate. It’s going to happen (them being intimate) if they marry. Don’t think about it, no good can come from those thoughts. Satan wants to send you crazy with those thoughts, seek refuge when you get them.

    You say you can’t do this, you may go back and forth. Telling yourself, you can’t do it, you can do it. It may happen several times a day. Once they are married, Insha’allah. You’ll see Allah gives you more and more strength the more you turn to Him. We can do it, by the will of Allah.

    Lastly, put your trust in Allah ONLY, humans make mistakes, many of them. This is most likely not going to be easy for him, Insha’allah you will find peace and contentment. You’ll begin to enjoy time to yourself, worshiping and relaxing. He will be go go go, all the time. It’s tiring for them. The three of you will be tested, with patience, perseverance, steadfastness and many more. These are attributes of a believer, we strive to be believers. Don’t fight it, there’s many blessings in polygamy for those who turn to Allah.

  • Shabanah

    January 21, 2015

    Sara I want to give you a biggggg tight hug too because I went through similar phases. Firstly, Dont label yourself so negatively. Its quite natural to have these feelings. From what you wrote your husband loves you very much and you love him. Try to be content with the decree of Allah. Focus all of your attention on Allah. You need to put that overflowing love you have for your husband on the back burner and let it stay there. Don’t let your mind think about your husband and future wife and all that’s to naturally come afterwards. Dont let your mind go there and if it does recite A’uthu billah to ward off the evil of Shaytaan because thats him whispering in your ear. Focus on your marriage with your husbsnd not the other woman and him. Im telling you the moment you take these few steps and implement them, your heart will be at ease. The beginning of my marriage all I could think about was what my hubs was doing with his other wife, I had that overflowing love for my hubs. It consumed me. Only Allah is deserving of that type of love. The moment you began loving another human being the way you are supposed to be loving Allah, everything starts crumbling around you, the psin begans, your emotions eat at you until you explode. I advise you to put your love in the right place. Put Allah in the respectable place which is the core of your heart and soul, between each thought for Allah is closer to us then our jugular veins. HE is cleansing you for what you know not at the time. Gail I dont think its a great idea to live under the same roof as her co. It does things to you. I know first hand.
    Sara im now in a better place after getting myself right with my Lord. Placing HIM in the core of my heart and putting my hubs on the back burner. Im at peace. I cant wait for you to reach this point in your life. Persevere, remain steadfast. Remember after pain comes ease and NOTHING lasts forever.

  • Gail

    January 20, 2015

    Sara,
    Welcome to the blog!
    Listen girl what u r going through all of us here on the blog have also went through so be assured u r in the right place.
    Polygamy is A very hard road as u r figuring out and u have to learn so many skills to be able to cope with it.I personally think of the blog as Polygamy school 101.
    It seems to me that u r inclined to try Polygamy since u have looked us up.Polygamy is like anything else in life u will get out of it what u put into it.
    U r correct alot of woman would rather opt for divorce rather than deal with Polygamy and that is 100% their personal right to do so.It is also 100% your personal right to accept Polygamy if u also choose to do so.
    This groups is great because u won’t feel pressured either way.U r free to make your own choices.
    I will say this if your husband has come out and been honest with u thats more than half the battle right there.It means you can trust your husband and that he is worth being with.
    Now here r the hard questions.If u choose to live Polygamy how would u like to live Joint family system where u all live together in the same home and see hubby daily so your life doesn’t really change that much or do u prefer living separate than your cowife?Do u want to meet your cowife.
    Listen u really have no need to be jealous ok.Think of it like this u share your kids with your husband and think nothing of it.If u share your husband with one other woman esp if by some miracle u both could get along and have a common goal to make a good family life then u would actually be gaining not loosing understand?
    Yes your husband picked the woman but that is all he did if u think about it.U have alot of wiggle room here and alot of say about how u want all this to go down.U r not just some idle participant in your marriage understand?U seem like a really sweet likable person and don’t hate your future cowife just because she has the same taste u do thats crazy! lol
    U can think positive or negative it is all up to u!
    I am really HAPPY u found us and we r here for u don’t discourage ok.HUGS!!

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2015

    @Sara,

    I’m glad you stayed with us and shared some of your story. Again, I apologize for misjudging you. I second all that Marie has said to you. All that you described is very common. All wives probably deal with most of what you’ve spoken of when their husbands become polygamous.

    It sounds you have a very thoughtful, considerate husband. He sounds to really love you. Polygamy has a tendency to bring a wife who married first and her husband closer together. A husband usually begin to show more love and affection to the wife who married first when he is about to become polygamous or has become polygamous. It’s probably because she has set aside her selfishness and become selfish – less. Allah rewards people for the good they do and for accepting His decisions.

    You said you don’t want your husband to commit a haram act (adultery), if you object to him marrying the other woman. I understand what you’re saying. The thing is you can’t prevent him from committing a haram. We have no control over what someone else does. It would be better for you to focus on wanting to seek the good pleasure of Allah. What’s going to be will be with regard to your husband.

    I’d suggest you not speak to people who are not Muslim about your husband’s intent to become polygamous. They don’t understand our way of life, and won’t accept it. It’s understandable as they are not Muslim. Allah say they will not accept us unless we follow their way. You’re looking for approval and understanding from the wrong people. What they say to you will only take you further away from your goal. Your goal should be to accept Allah’s decisions so you have an opportunity to enter Janah/Paradise. It’s going to be difficult for you to speak to Muslims about it, as well. There are many Muslims who are anti-polygamy. Remember, there is a difference between a Muslim and a Muslim/Believer. You must get to the point that you only care what Allah thinks and no one else. It takes time. You’re about to embark on a personal Jihad (battle).

    The best thing you could do is not let your mind think about him and another wife. I know it’s easier said than done. Nonetheless, it’s a must, if you want to maintain your sanity. Sometimes it takes years for wives to get to a good place. There is no way to avoid the pain. I love the saying, “Pain purifies and bring peace. I’m a firm believer of it.

    Right now, it seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but there is light. You just can’t see it now. You have to take baby steps. I truly think you will be okay. As Hilly said, Allah directed you here to this blog. Who better to talk to than women who are living polygamy? {{{hugs}}}

  • Sara

    January 20, 2015

    Thanks for your reply Mary…I feel deceived because I feel when he had married me he should have told me…he can’t expect to tell me ten years later and kids included…am I supposed to embrace him and tell him I’m with u not matter what?! I feel like it’s not fair…he says people evolve over time and he feels he will be at his best like that…
    Maybe ur right 🙂 maybe got sent me to this blog for a reason…I dunno…when I pray to God I tell him do what’s best for me…
    He’s hoping I would change my mind…somehow accept him…I feel like he had a choice…he initiated this other relation and got ‘in’ …he made a choice and didn’t include me in it…he left me thinking to start a new life with her but realized that he still loved me…now she’s there…and I blame her…I blame because she knew all along what she was getting into…she knew he was married…God knows what he told her about me when we separated…
    Anyways…I just have all this anger in me…I don’t know how to make it go away…I want things to b the way they were before…I want to be with him alone…
    Maybe God is testing me…but it’s such a difficult test…I don’t think I can pass it…It’s so painful…

  • Marie

    January 20, 2015

    Sara, first of all a biiiig hug to you and I make my intention to make dua for you for Allah to make things easy for you.
    I can tell you I have been exactly where you are, it’s tough but it gets better. You can be happy, believe Allah’s promise and He will see you though. You said about 3 options, stay and be miserable, leave or condone your husband doing haram. I had similar thoughts.(side note. I was not yet married to my now husband when he said he wanted to marry another, it’s a long story, but that’s why divorce was not an option, when I married him, I had accepted that he may become polygamous)
    Anyway, I didn’t chose any of the options, I had the belief that no matter what I intended, allah will make the final decision. And up until my husbands second marriage night, I still believed that Allah may have decided for it not to go ahead.

    One thing, which I feel is a blessing is Allah has given you time, as your husband is not married yet. I suggest you use this time to draw near to Allah, take all focus off your husband and his intention. Pray, pray pray. Make dua dhikr. Fill your days with asking for good for now and the hereafter, and trust that whatever happens will be good for you, no matter how sad or angry you feel at time.

    Believe that pain is not the only option, after hardship comes ease. It’s the absolute truth.

    I never thought I could know happiness again, I thought that I would be in pain till death. But it’s got better. It’s been about 2 years since I was faced with polygamy. It got easier when my husband actually married my now co wife. I found being in limbo, extremely difficult.

    Your husband sounds supportive, which is good. He will need to have patience and understanding. My husband said a similar thing to yours. He wanted me to stand by him and tell him I agree to him marrying again (not that he needed my Ok) I said I will not tell you to marry her or not tell you to marry her. It’s your intention and whatever Allah decides, I accept Insha’allah.

    There’s so much I want to say to you, but I not very good at putting thoughts into words. Insha’allah if I can help in any way, I’ll post another comment.

    Stay with us, it’s been a life line for me alhamdulilah. As our wonderful Hilly said Allah has guided you here for a reason.

    Remember Allah often my dear sister.

  • Sara

    January 20, 2015

    And your right Ana…I think if divorcing and revenging on him sometimes…I feel so bad..

  • Sara

    January 20, 2015

    I have three choices…and they are all painful…to divorce and most probably the other woman will have him for herself…have kids with him…and I have to watch it all…to stay and accept polygamy and feel pain every time he goes to her…and on too of it have society make all kinds of comments about me…or stay like this keep saying no I can’t and watch him do haram…painful as well because I will feel guilty…they are all such hard roads to take…
    I thought if going to see a therapist but I’m scared…I’m scared if what she might say…everyone time I talk about it to anyone they are shocked…saying u better leave…so I keep to myself and deal with it…
    The thing is I understand my husband…I really do…But I don’t believe it will be a happily ever after…just because woman will always be jealous if eachother…always create problems…I don’t know her and I already hate her guts God forgive him…I think for he the worst is having him have other kids and society and my family…it’s so sad but in society today if a man has an affair it’s ok it’ll pass but for a man to want to b w two women it’s wrong…looked down upon…it’s grounded in our minds…

  • Sara

    January 20, 2015

    Mashaallah Shabana you are so strong…thank you all for your messages it made me smile and feel relieved 🙂
    Well my story..how do I start…I’ve been married for ten years…I’ve had my ups and downs in my marriage like everyone else does…I have three young kids…two years ago my husband came telling me he wants to separate…I was shocked, devastated…after a couple months of being separated we managed to resolve our problems…then he started telling me he wants to marry another woman..he kept on insisting that it’s the best for him as he has feelings for another woman and he feels he can be just…he also says that in this world today it’s so hard to be with just one woman and he feels he will find his peace with two women he loves..that he won’t cheat and hell get closer to God..
    You can imagine my shock…I went through all kinds of phases…pain, extreme pain…I lost ten kilos…he was the love of my love and we married for love…I cried, had jealousy attacks…threatened I will leave if he does it…then shock…feeling why is it happening to me? I’m beautiful, young why do I have to put up with this?
    For two years I kept hoping he’d change his mind..or he’ll forget about the other woman…it hasn’t happened…I did everything…I was the perfect wife…perfect mother…he didn’t change…he kept insisting..saying it’s not about me he’s like that…he’s wants to be in his nature…and he’s polygamous..
    Two years later, now,I am in a much better position now…because I realized that he does love me…he did everything to ease my pain…he loves his kids…he basically wants me to be 100% by his side…to accept and stand by him…he doesn’t want to do it if I’m not with him…he’s scared id leave…
    It’s so hard for me…I’m such a crazy jealous person…I tried so much to accept 100% but I can’t…I don’t want to share the man I love…I don’t want to live half my life alone…I don’t want him to have other kids from another woman…I swear I try I pray to God everyday to help me…to show me what direction to take…
    He’s perfect in every way…with the kids with me…that’s why it’s so hard to leave him…that’s why I’m suffering…I don’t want to have the guilt of divorcing him and have my kids suffer…but at the same time I don’t want to suffer either…I also don’t want him to be in haram…or be unhappy and not able to marry the other woman while he is allowed in his religion to…sometimes I say maybe leaving him would be best. Maybe I can start a new life…find someone else…I just want my peace of mind…
    Its a dilemma for me everyday…when I forget about the situation I’m happy…but when I think if it it eats my brain out…and I find no hope, no solution…
    Also society doesn’t help…if it does happen everyone will have all kinds of stories to say..she’s not good enough…he doesn’t love her, etc…my family would be shocked…they would pressure me to leave him…it’s so humiliating for me..no one I know is polygamous..but I love him…I just can’t change him…
    Sometimes God forgive me I get angry that Polygamy is allowed in our religion…I keep saying why…why should I sit and watch my husband enjoy his time with two woman…
    So all these ideas and thoughts are consuming me…it doesn’t stop…I always pray to God do what’s best for me…
    Deep down inside I know I will be unhappy for years…I know I’m bring pessimistic but it’s difficult…so difficult…from having a husband for urself loving u..then having to share him..,
    I hope u understand why I wrote defensive posts earlier…I have lots of unsettled anger in me…in a situation I don’t gave the answer for…

  • Hilly

    January 20, 2015

    Sara,

    Hello and welcome. First of all I would like to say that you have been guided to this blog for whatever reason. Second, Allah swt has told us that we will be tested. There are test that are far, far worst than being placed in a life style of polygamy. What can we do as believers to pass this test? All the answers that we need and you seek have been given to us in the Holy Quran. Should we place in our hearts the intention of having a different kind of test that might be answered and is more devastating than living polygamy? May Allah forgive us for this. Take the time to ask yourself about this test if you are actually living the polygamy life. As for the pain, it has to come. The pain is the medicine that we need to cleanse and purify us. Allah swt is the one who will decide when the pain should end, but we have to have remembrance of Allah swt. Increasing our faith and fulling surrendering to Allah is the reminder for us all. As for me, alhumduiallah I am at a place right now that I feel at peace. It did not happen overnight, but praise to Allah I am at peace. Please when you are ready share with your story with us so we will understand more.

    Shabanah,
    Marshallah, Allah swt has given you so much strength that you are all living under the same roof. I don’t know if I could ever do that, but I don’t know what Allah swt has planned. Inshallah my your blessing be increased.

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2015

    Marie and Shabanah,

    It seem we were writing to Sara at the same time 🙂

  • Shabanah

    January 20, 2015

    Sara I guess it was your word choice that made me go there but im here to tell you the pain does go away. It takes time. Sometimes years but it does get better and you’ll come out stronger. Remember Allah does not place a burden on anyone that they cannot handle. Allah knows how much you can take. You may not know how much but Allah does. The grass may not be greener on the other side keep that in mind. Please share your story so we can understand you a little better. If you haven’t had the chance to read through all the posts, I’m Shabanah. Im a 3rd wife and have been for 7 years. I have two sons. My oldest is almost 6. I live under the same roof as my two co’s and husband.

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2015

    Sara,

    I apologize for misunderstanding you. I thought you were about to be one of those haters who show up here every now and again and disrupt our program. There were people here who were of the belief they could do as their husbands do. They could go get themselves boyfriends out of revenge for the hurt they believe their polygamous husbands cause them.

    What I basically say in the posts I write to women is that they must obey Allah’s commands and live their religion in order for them to have any peace in their lives and tranquility in their marriages. I write that they must use the Quran as their criteria to judge others and live their lives. The Quran is their guide.

    I know for a fact the pain does go away. It doesn’t go away without one turning to Allah, living their religion and seek Allah’s help with patience, perseverance and prayer. Allah heals. If a woman thinks the pain will miraculously go away simply by her remaining in the marriage, she is sadly mistaken. The person has to get themselves right with their Lord/Allah before it will happen. I truly believe pain purifies with reference to the believers.

    You say you are Muslim and believe you are strong in your religion. If so, then you already know that if you are a believer the pain will go away, as Allah says in the Holy Quran that He disposes of the believer affairs towards comfort and ease. He says after hardship there is relief. He say He created us into toil and struggle. You must know He tests the believers. Polygamy could be either a blessing or a curse. For the believer it would be a test.

    I don’t think it’s a matter of a woman “putting up” with polygamy, as being in it is not her choice. Some people think otherwise, and think she has free will. For those people I say, exercise your free will then and get out of Dodge (leave the marriage). Why belly ache and stay in a polygamous marriage when you’ve got your free will?

    About the story you related about the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), his daughter and her husband Ali, the story is not in the Holy Quran. There are versions of what possibly went down in the matter. Who knows if it happened, what the circumstances were or the reason he didn’t permit Ali to marry the woman, which would have made him polygamous. Why bother with the story? Ali and Fatima are not our examples, the prophets mentioned in the Holy Quran Allah says are our examples. The only people who rely on the story you mentioned are people who are staunch against polygamy and grasping at straws.

    People do not know how hurtful relating that story to others about Ali and Fatima is to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). It makes him sound that he was a hypocrite. It makes it sound he was a heartless man and womanizer who had his way with women knowing they were in pain and suffering as a result of his polygamous marriages. It says he didn’t care about his wives, but did care about his dear daughter and didn’t want her to go through what his wives were going through. People need to think about what they say before they repeat such nonsense. What’s in the Quran is real and factual. As I stated the story you spoke of is not in the Holy Quran.

    Sara, we welcome you here and if you’d like to share your story with us, we’re here to listen and be as helpful to you as we can.

  • Marie

    January 20, 2015

    Sorry one more thing, I think Ana does write post to help ease the pain.

    Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.

    Ana posts as well as the comments remind us of Allah and our purpose on earth.
    If someone doesn’t believe the ayat then they may never find rest. One may believe that happiness and rest comes from getting what they want. Weather that be monogamy, money,power,children ect

  • Marie

    January 20, 2015

    Hey Sara, I asked myself the same question when my husband first wanted to be polyganous. “Will the pain ever go away?” In the beginning I thought no!, but now 7 months on I can honestly say YES! I don’t feel no where near as sad as I did. I found the more I do in terms of remembrance and obedience to Allah the better i have become. This is the reason I believe my polygamous marriage is successful. As long as I am progressing in faith, I’m successful. I won’t know how successful I will be until I have my two feet planted firmly in jannah, but I think I’m off to a good start.

    I can say divorce was not something that crossed my mind, likewise I would not want my husband to divorce his other wife for sake of my pain. Changing the situation around me won’t change what’s in my heart, I want to accept and grow with the tests that Allah gives me instead of making intentions to run away and satisfy my desires.

    Insha’allah you will feel comfortable to share your story with us.

  • Sara

    January 20, 2015

    Maybe one day when I’m comfortable I’ll tell you my story…

  • Sara

    January 20, 2015

    Your completly wrong about what I’m saying Annabella and I think it’s quite rude to use the term get the hell out of here.
    I an not pro polygamous or anti polygamous at all. I believe it’s in our religion and Our prophet PBUH did it but I also believe it’s a huge challenge. I am a Muslim and I believe I am quite strong in my religion. I guess I didn’t understand that you are writing in these posts to ease the pain of women who are in polygamous marriages.
    Spread ur legs to a couple of men?! Is that what u think I meant? A3uthu billah…just because u divirce u have to spread ur leg to ither men! I don’t get it.
    Im just trying to understand when a woman is on a situation like this. I’m trying to understand whether the pain ever goes away or it will last forever. Whether it’s all worth putting up with it. I read so much on the internet about this and horror stories and I actually like ur blog because you give hope to women in such situations.
    My real question is that all the women will suffer in polygamy. Because it’s in their nature to be jealous. When will the suffering all go away?
    I read of a story that the Prophet PBUH daughter’s husband wanted to get married to a second and Fatima heard about the news and she was distraught and her daughter saw her in that situation. And he went to Ali and told him to not do it. This means that the prophet saw that his daughter was gong to suffer in tis situation and told Ali not to her married to avoid her living in pain.
    Don’t get me wrong ladies…I am trying to understand. I love my religion. When faced with a challenge like this what is the right way to go about it?

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2015

    Shabanah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Somehow, I missed your post, and am way late approving it. I don’t know how in the world I missed it. I’m just now seeing Sara’s first post, which, Insha Allah, I’m getting ready to go back and read.

    Shabanah, I totally don’t understand some people. How can anyone force anything on anyone on INTERNET? How is it friggin possible? People click onto this blog and read. I have no control over whether they stay or leave. I just don’t get it.

    People can believe what they want to believe and it’s all fine and good, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care unless they bring the crap here to the 411.

    It’s as though the haters think I’m supposed to support their views. Their views are divorce the husband or go spread your legs to a couple of men or more. Oh, yeah, that’s really working for them Do I go to anti-polygamous blogs and tell them they need to get on the stick and accept polygamy? No, I don’t because I don’t care about them and their beliefs unless they bring the nonsense over here to polygamy 411. I won’t waste my valuable time going to their blog to comment. I have my own beliefs that I concern myself with.

    People need to learn to mind their own business – take care of their own business and leave other people alone. They’re too busy minding other people business that they can’t take care of their own business.

  • Shabanah

    January 20, 2015

    Sara welcome. Firstly its not right for you to blame Ana for anything. She doesn’t force any if us to do anything. She gives excellent, genuine sound advice and its our choice to implement it or discard it. Everyone here accepts polygamy as a way of life as it was the way of our Prophet Muhammad PBUH. Its very very difficult and unbearable at times as its a life lesson but after pain follows ease. You may not know of a successful polygomous marriage or a monogamous one. Do they really exist? I know of polygamous marriages with one man married to four different women. No its not pixel perfect. Every marriage has obstacles being monogamous or polygamous. Fairy tales are non existent. Some cant handle it. If it was thrust upon them then that is what Allah willed. Here at the blog we try to remain content with Allahs plans including those thrust upon us. Im sure there’s an anti polygamy blog out there somewhere I think thats more appropriate for you but here we dont divorce simply because our husband is polygamous its not a valid reason.

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I understood what you said :-). I think the more we understand and believe Allah controls all things, He knows what’s best for us, He has a reason for all that He decreed, that what He decreed could be a blessing or a curse, only He knows, we are on the road to peace and tranquility in our lives. Life becomes so much easier to live. We find joy in it.

    When wives think their husbands are being unfair or unjust to them, they need to remember the ayah as follows:

    “Allah has indeed heard (and accepted) the statement of the woman who pleads with thee concerning her husband and carries her complaint (in prayer) to Allah: and Allah (always) hears the arguments between both sides among you: for Allah hears and sees (all things).” Quran: Surah 58, ayah 1

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2015

    @Sara,

    Hello and thank you for commenting. My posts are written for women who believe polygamy is an acceptable way of life and want to accept polygamy. My posts are written for Muslims who know their religion – Islam- or are learning it, and want to accept Allah’s decisions. They want to accept all that is in the Holy Quran and they have their sight on Jannah/Paradise.

    If a person doesn’t share the above views and doesn’t want any parts of polygamy, this is not the blog for her or him. They can click out and go else where. I don’t force anyone to be here. I don’t have the power to do such a thing.

    If a person is in a polygamous marriage, doesn’t like it and believe she has free will, she should divorce her husband. Yet there are women who don’t like polygamy, are miserable and come up with excuses why they can’t leave the marriages, be it because of the kids, finances, divorce being taboo or whatever. I’m not their problem. Their excuses are their problems.

    If a person doesn’t like polygamy and doesn’t want to live polygamy, why should they care what people think about them or who looks down upon them? Even if people look down up them, so what. Isn’t that the person prerogative?

    No one here has said divorce is not permissible. If a woman is married to a polygamous man and she wants a divorce, how am I or anyone else hindering her from obtaining a divorce? If you believe there are many men who are monogamous out there looking for single women, then why don’t the women who dislike polygamy, divorce and go get herself one of them?

    You’re correct, if the women can’t face the challenge, they should stand up and say the life isn’t for them, if they can’t handle it. Again, I don’t hold anyone hostage here. It is not within my power. I have no power.

    This is a pro-polygamy blog. If a woman dislikes polygamy, doesn’t want to live it and believes she has free will, then this blog is not for her. It’s as simply as that. There are hater blogs out there where she should probably be, if it pleases Allah. It’s the blog that is more appropriate for her. She needs to go find it.

    What make you think I force people to be here when all they need do is leave once they find polygamy 411 is a pro-polygamy blog? Click the hell out of here. It’s all it takes.

  • Mari2

    January 19, 2015

    Shabanah,
    You are correct that polygamy is a state in which one finds themselves always evolving. I have evolved much in two years. Much for the good MASHALLAH, but then again looking back, some of my actions and thoughts were not so good. And you know that I don not envy the men the mantle of being the husband/supporter to more than 1. That’s not a role I would ever desire for myself. At least in Islam I am NOT required to live with or be close to another wife. Nor am I required to support another wife. So basically, my job is a way bit easier.

  • Sara

    January 19, 2015

    I just feel in all ur posts u are forcing everyone to sit and be polygamous even if they don’t want to. I don’t think it’s fair. I think some woman are capable to share the husband they love but some are really not capable. So what can they do. Why should they be looked down upon? When they got married and it wasn’t something they thought would occur to them. God has allowed these women to divorce and look for a Muslim man who is monogamous and there are many out there. Polygamy is rare in this society. It’s a big challenge for these women. And if certain women cannot face this challenge they should be able to stand up and say this life is not for me. I can’t handle it.

  • Mari2

    January 19, 2015

    @Ana,
    When I put (if true), I was referring to MY perceptions, NOT Allah’s will. Rereading my post, I realize that part of my response was confusing. Sorry.

  • Sara

    January 19, 2015

    Hi I’m new to this blog and I’ve been reading ur posts…I understand that polygamy is written in the Quran and for some men it is written for them to do it. But I also believe after a lot of research that God has allowed the woman to divorce if she is not happy. And it is true some men are not fair and it is not fair for the woman to stay and suffer because of that when God has clearly allowed her to divorce if she is not capable of handling it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I feel most of the women stay because they don’t have a choice be it financial, emotional and self confidence. They sit and suffer. I have never ever heard so far of a successful polygamous story. Ever.

  • Mari2

    January 19, 2015

    @Ana,
    You have a very good point that I had never looked at before now…a man who is not just/fair is the way he is because Allah wills it. It could be the husband’s test, or the test of the wife. Only Allah knows. I find this to be a new way to look at it since Allah does not will only polygamy, but what comes after. As a wife in and out of polygamy, I too have had feelings/lamentations that M hasn’t been fair or just in some circumstance or another. However, as you pointed out Allah willed it thus (if true), or shaitan convinced me of thus which is also makes it Allah’s will as well. So when I am convinced that M isn’t being fair/just I shall try to remember that it is ALL the will of Allah. So when I feel as though I am not possibly being treated fairly, I should turn to Allah for guidance. That said, it also resonates with me that when M is being fair and just I should turn to Allah and offer thanks. Do I do that regularly? No. When all is good, my thankfulness is focused upon M whereas my thankfulness should be focused upon Allah. That’s my faultiness there (AHA moment!): when things are tough, I go to Allah and HE is my Lord. When things are fantastic and happy with M and me, I find myself thanking M for the good things when in fact it was HE who willed it.

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2015

    Shabanah,

    About husbands doing right by their wives while in polygamy, about being just and fair, there isn’t much to say to the men. Polygamy is quite simple. Allah says He loves those who are fair and just. He says to be just is next to piety. Allah commands us to be fair and just in ALL our dealings. It doesn’t just pertain to men in polygamy; although some would lead others to believe so.

    The thing is it’s basic common knowledge for anyone who enters a polygamous marriage that fairness and justness is required as it is required in all things. It is all over the internet. It is in Islamic books. Muslims all the time speak of the fact that men are to be fair and just when they are polygamous – fair and just is relative to the people and the situation. That a husband needs to exercise fairness and justness in marriage is not something that is unknown, foreign or unheard of. Your husband of all people has to be aware that being fair and just is paramount.

    There is a reason Allah will not permit your husband to be fair and just with you. He is an older man who has a position in which he is supposed to be knowledgeable of Islam. Everyone is giving your husband props, accolades and praise – what for? He marries a very young girl who by nature has very strong sexual desires and needs, yet even with you in the very same house with him, he won’t do what he is expected to do, give you your rights – treat you fairly and justly and give you intimacy. Something is wrong with the picture for a human eye.

    There is more than meets the eye. Allah has written the script for your husband with regard to his behavior for a reason. We don’t know Allah’s reasons for what He does, but He has them. In the other post I wrote about Allah allowing people to do good and evil by His will. Allah won’t allow your husband to do what we perceive is right by you. We wonder why? Your husband needs to do some introspection. Something is off with him. I know you love your husband and I don’t want to turn you off by speaking of him in a not so kind way, but it is what it is. A wife can’t make a husband be fair and just. You’re between a rock and a hard place. You must do as Allah says, seek His help with patience, perseverance and prayer.

  • Shabanah

    January 17, 2015

    Thank you Ana for this post. A true eye opener. Polygamy is quite a test. You are continuously evolving and being molded by Allah Almighty. I believe Polygamy could actually be lovely and successful if the husband stays firm in remaining fair, laying the proper foundation so the wives wont sank into the earth itself. You should write a post on husbands in Polygamy marriages because I think it all starts there. In my situation, if my husband was fair in nights even if I had 2-3 nights a week im willing to compromise and if he would have respected me and took action when I went to him about sec co and her slanderous ways against myself and my innocent children I wouldn’t have a mountain of problems with her.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2015

    alison,

    Alhumdulliah, it was easy for me to knock out a couple of posts one after another. I figured I better write them while the info was fresh in my head and the writing was easy. I have a few good topics in mind to write about next. So, we shall see. Thanks for dropping in 🙂

  • alison

    January 15, 2015

    Mashaallah a beautiful reminder thank you for this no matter what anyone is going through one should never loose focus on Allah and why we were created. Good morning on this part of the world have to drag my lazy self to work….goodnight
    to all the rest hey to you all

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2015

    The reason I think this post/thread and the one before this one are so important is because many wives in polygamous marriages don’t understand why they suffer so much in the marriages. They don’t understand what they must do for the pain to go way.

    There are Muslims who are Muslims in name only. It is what I call them. A name that possibly fits them from the Holy Quran is a “hypocrite.” If a person takes the Shahadah (the oath to be Muslim) it’s an oath Allah swt will hold the person accountable for. Many people are nonchalant about the oath. They don’t know the importance of what they swore to.

    There are Muslim women who are in polygamous marriages, and want the pain to go away. They could erroneously think they could pray to Allah for Him to remove the pain and think it’s all they must do. They are definitely confused or unaware. It doesn’t work that way. In some religions, people think all they need do is pray to get what they want. It doesn’t work that way in Islam. There are quite a number of thing (and all of them) we must do.

    In order for Allah to remove their pain and suffering, they must do what Allah has commanded of them in the Holy Quran. They must first read the Holy Quran, and ask Allah to guide and teach them before they could get it. Allah says do we think we will enter Paradise/Jannah without being tested like those who came before us? We can’t. Allah will test the believers. The test is for us. Allah already knows everything.

    All of what I said in this post and the last is applicable in order for anyone to have peace and tranquility, comfort and ease in this life in general. With it said, I’m off the soap box for the evening.

    Good night all and good day for those who are in the light of day