Unreasonable Polygamy Faultfinders

unreasonable polygamy faultfindersPolygamy 411 writers fall prey to unreasonable polygamy faultfinders every now and again. I define those people as those who have no positive interest in the subject. Instead, they cruise the site looking to find something that is derogatory about polygamy. In general, they look to belittle and demean the people who are in polygamous marriages or are supportive of polygamy.

Overall, we at polygamy 411 are familiar with the unreasonable polygamy faultfinders. They come to the blog and talk about how extremely sad they are for the women who are in polygamous marriages. Specifically, they refer to the hurt and the pain that the writers have and are in. The faultfinders talk about how terrible they feel for the person in it and how they wish there was someway they could help.

The perceived sympathizers think that they help persons in the marriages by telling them that they don’t have to stay married, and could leave. Although they don’t tell the writers anything that they don’t already know. For one thing, the writers here aren’t dumb or stupid. We’ve got bright and intelligent people here.

Unreasonable polygamy faultfinders do more harm than good

The harm comes when people don’t know what the Polygamy 411 blog is for and is about. Before they pop off at the mouth voicing their thoughts and feelings and giving unsolicited advice about what some of the writers say and what they are going through, they need to know the purpose of this blog. Polygamy 411 is a blog and support group.

As with any support group (and there are tons of them), the people come here to discuss the problems and issues that they have in their marriages. The writers are here to receive help and encouragement from those who are going through what they are going through or have been through it or may go through it one day. They are not here looking for pity. Our writers aren’t weird or freaks. Our writers aren’t here for the readers’ entertainment either. It’s not what their stories are for.

Unreasonable polygamy faultfinders think there is something wrong with polygamy

Some of the critics want polygamy banned because of the turmoil that the women go through. Those critics don’t understand the writers here. The writers are not here to gloat or brag about how wonderful their polygamous life is. Although, a commentator was here who used to do just that and do it daily. Polygamy 411 will attract those people who want to discuss their issues about living polygamy. They want to discuss it with those who have a common interest in the subject. I repeat-those with a “common” interest.

Before anyone comes to this blog again with her pity post (feeling sorry for the writers), please research what a support group is. This way if the person feels compelled to comment, she or he can do so using intellect. No one here needs anyone’s pity. They should take a look at themselves because they could use some help too. There are many support groups for marriage counseling. This is one.

I don’t know why it’s so difficult for some people to understand it. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.

Please Note: Please only comment on the topic of this page. Please speak about other subjects in the assigned “Discussions” area.

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26 Comments

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2016

    Karima, I agree with what your brother said 100%. We women need to understand there are distinct differences between men and women. Allah says in Quran that we are not alike. Many want to pretend that we are or falsely believe we are.

    You’re correct, Karima; if you find you can’t handle it and must move on, divorce is an option for you. Uou’d make your intent. Only Allah knows what He has in store fo us. He knows what is best for us.

  • Karima

    July 11, 2016

    you know Ana my brother a guy of 40 years married with 2 kids told me men are like this. This is the truth!!!! Meaning most men are polygamous think n feel differently than us women. Came ás a shock but ahamdulellah. I gót a WAKe up call. Now i know inshallah not to raise my Kids With lies!!!  

  • Karima

    July 11, 2016

    yes Ana I think he is married to her.. At this point I’m here venting but I know if I can’t ha handle it divorce is an option…. We shall see!  

    I am sorry for him too for all of us. Obviously he s afraid of losing me that’s why he s not answering . It’s ok if I love him little either way my love for him was way too much to handle . I’m sure this little love is fine for him.

    he has her to worship him now…

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2016

    Definitely think of them as married. I say it because I recall the story in the Quran about Aisha, the one wife of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) when the scandal broke out about her. It’s best to think the best of the situation. I didn’t go into more detail cuz on typing on this phone. Well, I’m going to try to get some shut eye.

  • Karima

    July 11, 2016

    Ana you said u think he will miss me…. U know last summer again we had problems as it was the time she first called me and was under severe shock. It was the first time I talked about divorce n leaving him and being. Sick of him etc. it was the time we bought the new home going under renovations very stressful period. Then came to my parents for two months never done sthng like that before .  Our contact was very bad kept texting him accusing him etc . Then one day he appeared at my moms front door he came to surprise us for a week:)  this time he won’t come I’m sure of it I have the feelings he and her will travel somewhere for a week. My instinct never fails me. So be it I hardly care. Pretending is what kills me when I’m around him:(  anyway yes he will miss me cause I’m the foundation for everything and old is gold lol!!!

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2016

    Karima,

    You are so funny. I love your attitude. You said you’re not bad yourself either. I hear you. I’m in the same category as you. We’ve got it going on! We’re incredibly awesome! :-)

    My gut feeling is that your husband is married to the girl. It’s very sweet of you to have compassion in your heart for her at times. I’m sure she’s going through a thing too, trying to cope.

  • Karima

    July 11, 2016

    Ana to be honest I don’t feel that love cause I have bAd feelings for him, disgust n hatred! Astagfirullah.  Cause he s letting me cry…. About him/ them/ this situation. Cause when I say calmly to him pls I’d like to know the truth to see if I can live it and all, I mean I deserve the truth after so many years of heartache no? Then again I get no info,no new info, so as once u told me maybe I should  think of them as married than doing adultery…. Inshallah 

  • Karima

    July 11, 2016

    Ana thank you for sharing private stuff about you ?

  • Karima

    July 11, 2016

    Ana thank you for everything!!!

    she is young sexy and all but apart from young I’m not bad myself either!!! What I know from husband after pressuring him in the Past to give some answers is that she is way more lost than me, complexes Low self esteem, feeling lost unloved having the need to find someone to love protect help n support her! Wow I feel sorry for her sometimes :( then I remember how she hurt me by calling n texting the past year for 3 times and then I realise I should feel sorry for her even more – he could be lying to her – taking advantage of her- and or Keeping her a secret wife which obviously she cannot handle that’s why she contacted me so I can make a fight with him so the truth will come out??!!! Or they commit adultery for their own reasons…. Only Allah knows

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2016

    I have a feeling your husband is going to miss you :-(

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2016

    I forgot to say beautiful. He’s not with some very young, sexy, beautiful educated woman. Ugly, older and uneducated works. I know that sound really bad. My bad. I just had to say it. I hope I wasn’t wrong in saying so. May Allah forgive me if I was.

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2016

    Karima,

    It’s so good that you and your husband connected before you left and you still have that fire between you two. Awesome!

    Maybe you don’t feel the love that you expect cuz you’ve been watching too many romantic movies Lol

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2016

    Karima, I think you’re on your way to reaching that point. You’ll see that you will have so much joy in your life. It’s a process. You can do this. Don’t doubt yourself. Allah will see you through it, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2016

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It took me a number of years to cover after I became Muslim. I had a hard time cuz I was a detective and carried a firearm in a male profession. I really wanted desperately to cover. I then began to see Muslimas in my travels who were covered, which let me know O could do it. Suddenly I began to cover. Then I didn’t see the Muslimas anymore. I think seeing them was a sign from Allah letting me know everything was going to be alright and I could do it (cover). Allah knows you want to cover. You will in His time. Don’t beat yourself up.

    I think just about every woman gets caught up in romantic love. Then there comes a time when Allah wants good for some of us and wants us to turn our attention to Him and make him first in our lives. I think it shows that Allah wants good for us when it happens. Then we don’t put our spouses before Allah. Allah says don’t put anything before him.

    You sound too have a very nice husband, as I said before. You should hold on to him. And yes, be grateful that he is with her and not some very young, sexy, educated person. :-)

    Don’t worry about how you write. It’s not important. I’m writingn on my phone, but I’m getting ready to go back to sleep. Inshallah, we’ll talk more soon :-)

  • Karima

    July 11, 2016

    It’s so freeing to be able to share all This with you Ana!!!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Karima

    July 11, 2016

    sis Ana you wrote something deep… U said just imagine how freeing it would be to accept the fact u don’t kneir the truth about your husband and leave it to Allah!!!! I wish my God to reach that point.. Maybe what I’m going through is part of the procedure to reach to that point?

  • Karima

    July 11, 2016

    we did have marital relations after all yesterday before I travel .. He came after me, now i start to realise even with very little feelings that I have left for him- being intimate with him works!!!!!  So I could try n stay don’t know till when- enjoy the financial stability- ??? Sometimes I think I could live like this other times I’m disgusted from myself that I don’t pack n leave. Is it my ego talking???  But one third of the home is in my name I love this new place n he loves it too no one wants to leave …But u know what doesn’t work ????  I cannot just go n hug him and kiss him- that hurts like hell cause I used to be all over him even when I clearly saw he wasn’t on the same love level with me- that didn’t seem to bother my pride n ego that I loved him more- I kept trying n trying to show love n affection hoping at some point I would feel he loves me. I never felt he loved me but then Again I never felt my parents- mom – really loved me. Maybe there’s sthng wrong with me, and my expectations. I give give give but obviously i expect it back…/ and I guess that’s not ok.

  • Karima

    July 11, 2016

    Salam sis Ana

    you are very dear for me mashallah for your valuable input may Allah bless you. I don’t want to sound ungrateful…. Husband is a kind quiet patient outgoing likable smiling easy going hard working person. He is aware of his repsonsibilities as a father and husband and tries to fulfil them.  He started praying every day since January and not only in Ramadan as we used to.  He goes out less than before- partying and all, but can’t give up his sisha with the guys … For example during Ramadan he was going out around 11 pm and coming back around 13 am n I don’t think he went to the masjid:( I stopped asking, of course I wanted to but it would show I’m checking him trying to control him. He could lie obviously about where he’s going he could go n see that woman.  At this point sometimes I don’t care where he’s going as long he’s not around to cause me discomfort .   He used to be my world – u cannot imagine how hard I tried to make this work the career opportunities I declined and friendships too:(  stupid silly me!!!!  I was 22 I thought he is the one and only for me!!! Cry. I believe I was crazy in love with him in an unhealthy way till the birth of our first child. Almost for 13 years being in romantic love is unreasonable stupid and unhealthy I say know after all this heartache. Had no family around to advice and actually wasn’t letting anyone say a thing. For me he was perfect!!! Came from a beautiful loving big Arab family with no tradition in polygyny. I thought after the pain we both went through when I dumped him twice and finally families agreed to the marriage things would get better. But on the contrary.  Life just happened- that woman appeared but he once told me u can’t imagine how many women are after him/ and it’s hard for him but he’s not doing anything- this woman doesn’t want to take him from me, if it were another woman I would then see the difference!!! Lol I should thank her then??? :) well she can have him n she obviously has been having him since 2009-2010aprox.    Have many thoughts popping in sorry if i write in a messy way. My family apart from mom is not religious. No one knows I’m muslim I am not covered, yet, n feel bad sometimes, inshallah soon. Now u know, I am not covered:(  

  • anabellah

    July 10, 2016

    Karima,

    Yeah, I don’t know what to say about your husband. Why is he so hard headed? I don’t know why he just won’t tell you straight what is going on with him and that woman. It’s baffling to me. The only answer that I have, which is the truthful one is that it’s Allah’s decision. Maybe Allah wants you to see it, know it and believe it – that He’s calling the shots. He’s in control. Your husband won’t tell you because Allah hasn’t written it for him to tell you. Just imagine how freeing it would be for you to accept that fact and not care about what is the truth concerning your husband. Your husband will account to Allah for all that he is doing. Meanwhile, you’ll be growing nearer to Allah. Perhaps your husband is far away from Allah. Who knows? People act according to how they are with Allah – close to Him or far away. Those further away from Allah can’t do good. Those closer to Allah can do good. It’s how it works. Those who are destined for Paradise do good deed. Allah has written such. Those who are destine for the Fire do evil and bad deeds. We do that which will land us where we are destined to go.

    It seems you going to visit your parents for a month is the best thing for you. You’ll probably feel and look a whole lot better to get away from your husband and the situation for a while. It sounds you really need and deserve a break. About being separate and not sleeping with him – I dunno what’s right or wrong with it. I just know it would probably do you a lot of good being away from him for a while so you have a chance to think straight and put things in its proper perspective. Try to remember Allah the entire time that you are away with your parents. Allah says remembrance of Him is the Greatest thing in life without doubt. Try to remember Him now. I like writing that because it’s a reminder to me. Alhumdulliah!

  • anabellah

    July 10, 2016

    Karima,

    About living in our heads, I think we’ve all done it and do it at some point or another in our lives. Sometimes we conjure up stuff in our heads that seem so real and we actually begin to think it is the truth. How many times have we imagined something to be a certain way and found out for a fact that it wasn’t so. It’s why we need to realize that we can’t rely on anyone or anything but Allah. We can’t even rely on our senses. We can’t trust our senses. It’s so heavy. Allah may let us see how we thought we saw or heard a certain thing and it wasn’t what we thought. How many times have I thought I placed something a certain place and I had put it someplace else. Wow! Coming to the realization that we can’t even trust ourselves is scary. It helps me further put my faith and trust in Allah.

  • anabellah

    July 10, 2016

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I agree with you a hundred percent that life would be easier for most of us if we were taught the truth about the nature of men and about life in general. Being taught fairy tales and happily ever after along with what we see in movies and read in romantic novels are other hindrances, besides being taught how to lie. Couples compare their lives to what they see in the movies and think something is wrong with them or they’re missing something because their lives aren’t the same way. Now we have to unlearn all that we’ve learned. Now is a good time for Muslim women who know the truth to teach their children the truth and Insha Allah, it will save the children a lot of hurt, pain and suffering in the future, God willing. It will save the parents some problems too in not having to see their children hurt so much.

    Many children grow up on lies and are told that they shouldn’t lie. One writer here (I can’t remember who it was) gave an example of how a child is taught to lie. I’m sure everyone could relate to it. For example, the phone rings. The mother tells the child to tell the caller that she’s not home or is in the shower, when the mother is standing right there.

  • Karima

    July 10, 2016

    Ana about some people living in their heads… Sometimes I thought I could be imagining stuff, that I like to rewind the past n hurt …. Could it be in my head? I don’t think so.  We have been sleeping separately since May 19 n though had marital relations last 2 weeks we didn’t n though he tried I didn’t n don’t want to… I don’t want to force my soul my hurt heart to. Let him get close. I might be doing wrong n like this sending him straight to her or any other woman since I’ll be away for a month… But I just can’t let him near me at this time… I feel very frustrated by him for not saying clearly what’s happening.   I think most women would like  to know that no???   I feel he is cruel and dishonest for whatever reason he might have:(

  • Karima

    July 10, 2016

    Salam sisters

    nice post Ana!  Monogamous marriages Can face the same problems as Tasliyman said.  I wish we could be told or taught from. An early age that most men if not all are polygamous or could become that but has nothing to do with us women. I mean is not our fault. The guy has that need or whatever and can’t control it:(.  I used to think for sure is my fault I’m not thin enough sweet enough I don’t know how to play my tricks as a woman to keep him just for me…: many times I asked him there’s sthng with me? No he said.  Even yesterday night that I got stressed and anxious about traveling he came n asked what’s wrong etc. a rare moment from him it happens but rarely but then again has always been like this. It’s me who was having a wrong picture of romantic love , what we see in movies? Lol.  I told him him I would like to know what’s happening to see if I can live it… He just left the room to bring me sthng for my stomach pain . So I said ok I get it , since u say nothing I guess the situation is still going on ( with her I meant- either as the wife or the adulterer) n he said I didn’t say that.  I told him when someone says nothing directly yes or no then probably indirectly says yes???  It’s not like that.. He said!!!  Go figure. I had a terrible night:(

  • anabellah

    July 9, 2016

    Indeed, Tasliyman,

    Well said. I couldn’t have said it better. The issues women face in polygamous marriages are no different than those faced by anyone in any type of relationship.

    I got annoyed with the college girl who came here talking that text book, idealistic rhetoric. She was still wet behind the ears and may have never been in a relationship let alone married. SMH Some people live on their heads, not the real world.

  • Tasliyman

    July 9, 2016

    So true Ana. I agree with you. 

    It gets on my nerves when people talk about common problems that are found in all kinds of marriages or situations and pretends that it’s only applicable to polygamous situations.  They are so focussed on pointing out the difficulties of polygamy they dont even realise they are pointing out general problems or scenarios that are applicable to all people. 

    As if everyone in the entire world who are not in a polygamous marriage are happy, living a peaceful life and will never face divorce, become sick or grow old alone.  It’s so outrageous. 

  • anabellah

    July 9, 2016

    Polygamy 411 is a support group, not a freak group. Don’t get it twisted!

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