Wanting More in a Polygamous Marriage

wanting more in a polygamous marriageMost wives end up wanting more in a polygamous marriage. It doesn’t matter if she is the 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife. She thinks she should get better treatment, and have more privileges than his other wife. It causes problems when she ends up wanting more. For instance, it causes the wives to dislike each other. Furthermore, it causes them to compete with each other.

Wives find themselves wanting more in a polygamous marriage, as the one wife begins to blame the other for getting in the way of what she thinks she is due. For instance, the one wife may say the other is selfish. The wife who married first may say that the other didn’t consider the effect that marrying as a second wife would have on her and her children.

The wife who married second may think that she has just as much of a right to the husband as the wife who married him first. She may think the other wife had the husband to herself long enough, and now it is her time to get special treatment. All wives usually end up wanting more in a polygamous marriage once they settle into it.

Wanting more in a polygamous marriage comes about when Satan whispers to the wife

It is not her imagination. Satan whispers all kinds of things to the wife. In other words, he wants to make her unhappy with her life. specifically, he may tell her that she deserves more from her husband. Perhaps he tells her that the other wife is taking from her. For example, she’s taking money or time or resources from her. The wife doesn’t know that all that she has comes from Allah. Allah gave it all to her. No one can take away from her what Allah has allotted for her.

Wives wanting more in a polygamous marriage arises when they don’t have knowledge of Allah. A wife becomes angry at her husband or at the other wife or at both when she doesn’t understand that Allah is in control. A woman who knows the truth, meaning knows her Islam will not get upset about what she has or doesn’t have. It’s because she knows that Allah knows what is best for her. Especially, she knows that Allah is a Just God. She gets it.

Wives wanting more in a polygamous marriage shows that they don’t have important facts

Each wife will only get what Allah wrote for her to have. Specifically, what is for her will never pass her and what passes her was never for her. Allah gives people what they have earned based on the good and righteous deeds that they do. He is a Just, Benevolent, Generous, Bountiful, Kind, and Loving God, and much more. Allah is Sovereign, and He Rules and Disposes of all affairs.

Allah gives each wife what He wants her to have and it’s based on His Will and Plan. There is no need for a wife to worry about what she will have in this life. Rather, a wife should put her faith and trust in Allah. If she does that, she will then have peace and contentment in this world’s life. Furthermore, she will have much more in the Hereafter.

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13 Comments

  • Mari2

    October 30, 2015

    I wrote a long post lost. That’s okay. Just will follow it up by saying M has been ridden hard by 2 because she feels I get everything and she gets nothing. Not true. Allah in his wisdom turned up for me some fine jewelry I forgot I had and honestly never wore. I gave 2 sets to M so that he could give 2 a set and his younger sister a set too. Apparently M said he could not gift his wife with jewelry and not do them same for his sis (???) So, I was able to provide M with 2 sets of nice jewelry I forgot I owned. Though my ex is a butt he was a prolific gift giver during our marriage. When M showed pics of both sets to 2 and asked her to choose one, her response was “tell me which one is more expensive. ” MASHALLAH, M could state truthfully “They both cost me the same.” So now his problem is solved and I am happy to help. I accidentally stumbled upon the box while looking for something else. The next day M shared with me that difficulty with 2 telling family that he is a miserly husband because he won’t buy her anything nice. And his sister in competition with his wife for M’s goods and services. Ingrates the both of them in my opinion.

  • Laila

    October 23, 2015

    Fatima’h, I think every relationship will involve a needy partner, and a self-reliant partner. I have over the years been independent and way mature my age because of the situation I was thrown in. But as much as I believe that my husbands actions are between him and Allah s.w.t. I did ask him recently that if he cannot even meet my emotional needs then what is he for really? To pay bills and so called start a family? The fact that I did not entirely involve religion in our debate, and that I told him that I too have feelings and needs then seriously who am I? Your punching bag or batter yet, available door mat? I think that in itself has made the reality sink in to his head. It’s made him I think realize that I too am a wife and that I too have emotional needs. I’ve always told him that if the day comes where I decide that I’m shutting down, then it means that I will only talk when it is completely necessary. And he knows I am the type to do it. Because, I’ve started to do it, not on purpose, but because I don’t see the point talking to a wall. I slept in a separate room because I just don’t want to share my sleep area with him. Initially he was upset but he gradually allowed me to do so because he knew I just needed my own space. I think men too need some crash course on some relationship tips. It’s made me realize that wives don’t have to slave and just blindly compromise all the time. But it’s great that this conflict took place. It made us both learn a lot about each other. It’s made in check in with reality. I realize that he’s just a man and not some super man. And he’s realized that I don’t have to continuously accept what’s thrown to me, I can also walk out.

  • Fatimah

    October 22, 2015

    Wow Laila
    Some of the things you havesaid has hit home. My husband also has an expectation of me to just understand. They dojt realize that this catering to the other wife at your expense deterioates the marriage and your feelings. My husband crawls back to her house bc i feel that he is more concerned about making her feel comfortable and accepted while I’m the one hurting. Ive done the outbursts, the shaking and in my situation it didn’t help At ALL. Not saying anything is what seemed to have worked. He still gives her more time but i send him to his creator. I cant do it anymore. Sweating anything other than Allah swt. I still cry, I still get upset, pisssssedd, but I feel much more comfortable in knowing i no longer hand over my emotions to anyone. No sir. No more control over my emotions inshaALLAH. My goal inshaALLAH is to keep focus and my eyes on the prize. Im not perfect but atleasr im on a good path. Ive read Ana saying time and time again that when we arent thinking about Allah, we are not focused on HIM. When we are thinking of our husbands we are nit thinking about Allah swt. And Allah does not share partners. This has really helped me to snap to reality. Alhamdulillah. Anyway your post just reallllllllyyyyyyyy hit home for me in so many ways. Its really tough, YA ALLAH!

  • Fatimah

    October 22, 2015

    As salaam Alaikum Lynn

    Why do u think its wrong to tell yourself that he is going on a business trip when he is going to see his other wife? Personally I dont find anything wrong w your method of coping. Polygamy is extremely hard and I know first hand bc im a first wife. Im glad your doing that and not something more drastic. Idk if you will ever come to terms with the fact that he does have another wife but i dontnthink u should feel its wrong. Atleast your not breaking shariah or any kind of law in Islam. In the end you will be standing before Allah swt for all of your deeds and how u handle lifes tests. No one willnansweer to Allah for you. Im happy you do things wnthe children. I dont tell myself he’s on a trip or act like he isnt married, but i do have a wall up. I try very hard to keep busy. I planned something every weekend so that I wouldn’t give him the chance to be unfair in time w hisnother wife. I just chillax w my children MashaAllah. I try hard ti focus on us when he is around and sometimes it really doesnt feel like he has someone else. I don’t feel an ounce of guilt that i have a wall up. It helps me to cope snd no one can or will cope for me. Do your dang thang girl. Maybe sometime in the future Allah swt will change hearts and we will function as a family but right now its new and things take time. Im not even interested to be honest. Every day I ask Allah swt to lift the grief off my chest, and HE does. Alhamdulillah. I appreciate the peaceful times and you should too. I can’t tell u that which i am not ready to do bc then id be a hypocrite. But maybe you can began tonaccept it inshaALLAH in your heart for yourself. Anyway take care Lynn

  • Laila

    October 22, 2015

    This is a very interesting topic. The sense of entitlement and feel egoistic. I think most women who are in a polygamous marriage will go through moments of where she feels that her needs are far more than the other. That I feel is something that is unavoidable and whether the husband likes it or not he has to sort of be ready for the emotional outbursts. In my case because we don’t have kids as yet, I’ve noticed that sometimes the attention to detail slides. The pre assumption that I am an independent woman and that I wouldn’t need much care is somehow there and at times I wonder who gave this impression to him. We recently had a major disagreement on something and somehow because of that so many ‘other’ things got out. Many statements were thrown towards me and I sort of lashed back. My beef is that he at some point in my marriage did not have nights with me just to help her accept the situation. So even this year he finally had Eid at my home on the eve and the first day etc but still tried to crawl back to my co-wife’s home for the eve. So yes, that made me burst. I actually slammed my car key on my beautiful kitchen island and I actually told him that I’ve had enough. I was so angry that I didn’t realize that I was shaking. Then he tried to calm me down but I stormed off to work. So after all this, believe it or not our marriage / relationship is getting better. He now realizes that he’s in many ways taken me for granted. He is a husband to two women and not one and he’s is accountable and responsible to two women. I think sometimes men also encourage this lopsidedness and they too sometimes create the chaos. They expect one wife to always be the understanding one. So yes at some point one will be the one who loses out. Due to the build up of issues I’ve learnt to also not call, message or even better yet sleep in the same room. Why should I? My idea is that if you don’t care about me why should I do the same? Why must I always be available when you want me to be so? So hubbs now sort of understand what he has done to me over the years and is now trying his best to be the better husband. I appreciate that a lot. But I have lower expectations nowadays. I know that being human he will at some point screw up. Again. But it’s sort of made me see where I stand in our relationship, yes he loves me but love comes with commitments.

  • Lynn

    October 22, 2015

    Assalammualaikum …

    After more than 4years in this polygamous marriage I am still comforting myself. One way is to tell myself that my hubby is away on business trip each time he goes overseas to see Ms P twice a month max 3 night each time. And I make plans to pamper myself and kids – we make ourselves busy. I know it’s wrong but this is better than crying and finding ways to get his attention while he is there with his other family.

    We still do not talk but I never think I deserve hubby more than her. She has her difficult days like me but we trust Allah will not give us more than we can handle.

  • tuleh

    October 21, 2015

    Ana,
    I am impressed by your way of picking out one by one feeling/impediment at a time and bring it out into the open. Once we speak that feeling out, it has less power over us. We can think about it and it can be overcome.

    While I am not and have not been in a true polygamous situation yet, I recognize this feeling. I do think we all have it. What my husband will do is to accept that we feel that way, and then work with it, both by counseling each of us on how that’s not really going to get us anywhere good, but also by actually make each of us feel special in our own way. When I get a part of that “itch” satisfied, it is easier to overlook and accept the places where I’m not getting special treatment. I can think “well, at least I have THIS.”

    It also helps me to lean into the recognition that I don’t really “deserve” anything. Anything I get in life is by the grace of (He who I call God, and you call Allah, Peace Be Upon Him). Sometimes it’s harder than other times to remember this!

    If I feel like I don’t get what I need and what I yearn for from my husband, it is much easier to also resent what others have. When I feel content in my own right, I don’t really care what others get because I’m OK. And I recognize that the responsibility here is as much on me as it is on my husband. The only person who can really make me happy, is me. If I wait for my husband to do it, it will never happen, until I know how to be happy in myself.

    I hope it is OK that I write this here. There might be a feeling that I don’t really know what I’m talking about. Maybe I don’t. I’m not trying to say that anyone is “not doing it right” or blame anyone… or that I know what any of you are going through… just speaking as to what has helped me through some rough spots in the past where jealousy could have eaten me alive. I hope it is helpful, and if it is not, then I hope you can ignore it! :-)

    With much care for each of you, working through incredible amounts of hardships, in the honor and devotion to Allah. It is beautiful and inspiring for me to see you, as you walk through this, no matter how hard, you keep on.
    Blessings to you all,
    tuleh

  • Sabr

    October 21, 2015

    Salaam Ana

    Going through a bit of hard time. As much as I may say the right things or want to believe them I’m struggling. My husband doesn’t want to hurt me anymore and he knows he has over the years and our difficult journey together which has kept us so close even though hard. I wish he would have waited till we had a child we are only just ready to try after 5 years of waiting and supporting each other. Now the race is on I feel to be pregnant before his second wife arrives next year and every thought goes to my head and I attach everything to her arrival which I know is wrong. I don’t know if I would cope if she got pregnant so quickly and I didn’t. I pray for clarity feeling weak. Its one of those days /weeks/ just want it to pass and for me to feel strong and trust Allah wholly.

    Sabr

  • anabellah

    October 4, 2015

    @Alison,

    I thought it would be a very good topic, as it has applied, is applying or will apply to every woman in a polygamous marriage at some time or another. Thank you for writing in

  • Alison

    October 4, 2015

    A much needed advice right now it’s like you read my mind and what Is going on :)

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2015

    Mari2,

    Thank you for sharing. I, too, think the “ignorance is bliss” when it comes to knowing about a co-wife and what she receives from the husband is good. It’s important to know there is a co-wife or more, but to know the details is not always necessary. Out of sight, out of mind works.

    There was a wife who was here years ago who said she used to pretend her husband was away on a business trip whenever he went to his other wife. I certainly don’t agree with such a thing. It’s a whole different animal. It’s delusional. I think everyone should stay with what is real. Keeping in touch with reality is important. It was way weird that someone would do such a thing. How does a wife think that she will learn to cope with reality when she doesn’t stay in it? We’ve gotta keep it real…

    To avoid what makes one jealous or envious is good. For instance, to let the husband know not to discuss the other wife with her with regard to what he gives her etc. is good.

  • Mari2

    October 3, 2015

    I did feel this way at first with all he spent on second wedding, making 2 happy, buying for her family etc. But months later and separate living spaces I am less inclined to care. I still get his time and he still cares for me as well as he can financially. The difference is that I have removed myself from the day to day knowledge of what he spends in Pakistan and how much time or money he spends on 2. I like the not knowing. Ignorance really can be bliss. I have lost the desire to know what is going on with 2 now that I see M less. The change in living agreement has made me focus more on Allah, M and our marriage. Shaitan has less a hold on my mind when my mind is not focused on 2.

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2015

    The above post/thread should help wives understand that they shouldn’t feel a sense of entitlement when in a polygamous marriage or in anything in life. Allah has determined what everyone will have. He is the Provider and Sustainer. If they focused on Allah and learned Islam they’d have less problems in life. They’d worry less, and would have a life of ease and contentment.