Wedding Night Blues

wedding night bluesMany a wife has wedding night blues when her husband marries another woman, which makes him polygamous. She has it right before and after he marries the other woman. Many women ask what they should do to help them overcome the anxiety and pain that they feel when their husbands marry again.

First, a wife may find herself pleasantly surprised that she is not bothered by his marriage on that day. Allah instructs us to do acts of worship, such as salat (5 daily prayers), reading Quran, and remembering Him, etc. When we do as Allah instructs us, he relieves us of our burdens and relieves our pain. Allah may very well make the husband’s wedding day a peaceful one for his other wife. Sadness doesn’t necessarily take over the other wife that day.

A wife’s thoughts cause her to have wedding night blues when her husband marries another

Her thoughts cause the state of turmoil and panic that she is in. Her negative, disturbing thoughts are from Satan. Satan whispers to her. For instance, he tells her to imagine her husband and his other wife being intimate. Satan has her picture such things.

Any negative thoughts that she has are from Satan. Satan can do nothing but whisper to us. It’s the only tool that he has. He works with nothing more and nothing less. It’s his job to keep people upset. He suggests to them that they think and do negative things.

How does a wife fight wedding night blues?

Allah has given us a remedy for all the problems that we have. What does Allah tell us to do when Satan assaults us with his whispers? He says:

“If a suggestion from Satan assail thy (mind), seek refuge with Allah; for He heareth and knoweth (all things).” Quran: Surah 7, ayah 200

“Those who fear Allah, when a thought of evil from Satan assaults them, bring Allah to remembrance, when lo! they see (aright)!” Quran: Surah 7, ayah 201

Satan messes with a wife on her husband’s wedding night when he is with his new wife. It’s what Satan does. It’s his job to keep people upset and dissatisfied with life. Allah clearly lets us know it when He says about Satan, the following:

“He said: “Because thou hast thrown me out of the way, lo! I will lie in wait for them on thy straight way:” Quran: Surah 7, ayah 16

“Then will I assault them from before them and behind them, from their right and their left: Nor wilt thou find, in most of them, gratitude (for thy mercies).” Quran: Surah 7, ayah 17

Allah let’s us know what Satan’s job is. He lets us know how to counter it, as well. He says to remember Him. Can a wife remember Allah when she sits and entertains thoughts about what her husband is doing or will do? How could thoughts of Allah and thoughts of her husband be in her head at the same time? It’s impossible to think of Allah and think of other things at the same time.

The best answer I could give a woman who is having wedding night blues is to remember Allah

Allah says remembrance of Him is the greatest thing in life without doubt. Read the Holy Quran and contemplate it. Offer your five daily salat (prayers). It’s all part of remembering Allah.

He says, “Recite what is sent of the Book by inspiration to thee, and establish regular Prayer: for Prayer restrains from shameful and unjust deeds; and remembrance of Allah is the greatest (thing in life) without doubt. And Allah knows the (deeds) that ye do.” Quran: Surah 29, ayah 45

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10 Comments

  • anabellah

    April 28, 2015

    @Mari2,

    About M talking to you about the details on his wedding night, some men tend to think they could talk with their wives about anything. Probably it’s so when they are monogamous. It’s good when monogamous, but another ballgame when they become polygamous. Some polygamous wives may think they want to know what’s going on with her husband and his other, but it’s probably not a good idea to mix up in it. What you don’t know can’t hurt you. Life is hectic enough dealing with one’s own matters, let alone take on another person’s marital problems.

    I’m very sorry to hear your favorite aunts breast cancer has revisited her. Alhumdulliah, Allah gave her a long respite.

    It’s good to hear you are keeping so busy that you don’t have time to concern yourself with all the drama associated with your husband and his other marriage. It just may be a blessing.

    Pop in when you get some free time. “Don’t squander time; it the stuff life is made of”. I got that quote from the movie, “Gone with the Wind”. It goes something like it. I don’t think I wrote it verbatim LOL

  • anabellah

    April 25, 2015

    @Umm zaynab and Farah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Days ago ummof4 shared with us on the April 2015 thread some very good suggestions on what a wife could do in an effort to make life a bit easier for her while transitioning into this new lifestyle (polygamy)

    The link feature isn’t working very well. Here’s the link to Ummof4’s post . You may have to scroll up or down a bit to see it.

  • ummof4

    April 25, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Mari2, I know how you feel. For busy women when our husband is gone we may feel a little sad, but when he returns he is not as important as we once thought he was. That’s a good thing. It keeps us grounded realizing that he is just a man. A man that we are madly in love with, but still just a man, our Muslim brother. One whom Allah has blessed us to share our lives with.

    May Allah grant us all peace in our marriages. For those of us who are not married, may Allah grant us a peaceful marriage as well, if that is in our life plans that Allah has already decreed.

  • Mari2

    April 24, 2015

    Somehow by the luck of I do not know whom, my hubby called me on his wedding night to lament. Later, I got a play-by-play though I did not ask. Yay me (sarcasm). Like I really needed the details, or his complaints and compliments regarding her and their marriage. In a big way, I’m so over the thing as there are more important things going on in my life which require my focus. My favorite aunt has just been found with breast cancer 24 years after her first breast cancer issue, my sister’s marriage is imploding after 14 years, I have a bunch of huge projects waiting for me at work that my supervisors cannot figure out (they supervise why?), I’m negotiating another lease with the landlord at below market rate, I have a second job selling jewelry at fairs and I have to attend to those sales and marketing meetings, and SUDDENLY a month after the return from M’s second marriage I have neither the time nor energy to think about it, or him. Honestly. The whole month he was there I was all sad and stuff. Now he’s back. My life became super busy and I don’t have time for him, let alone thinking about the other wife.

  • ummof4

    April 24, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Umm Zaynah and Farah, a few days ago there were a couple of posts with practical suggestions for getting past the wedding night of your husband and his new wife. Maybe Ana can post them on this thread or tell you where to look for them on the other thread.

    We as humans can use different coping mechanisms, but ultimately it is only by turning to Allah, who is our Creator, Lord and Sustainer that we will be at peace with our situations in life and grow in our obedience to Him.

    We have many tests in life, and polygyny is an extremely difficult one for most women. Stay with us here on the blog. Feel free to vent (without calling another person bad names); feel free to cry; feel free to be in a funk mode every once in a while. We understand, and most of us that are veterans have felt what you are feeling and made it through once the smoke cleared. We love you and are here for you.

    More importantly, Allah is with the patient and those who obey Him and submit their wills to His Will.

    Everyone have a blessed Jum’uah whereever you are and remember Allah often today and every day.

  • Umm zaynah

    April 24, 2015

    Salaam alaykum, this was a nice post, as it happens my husband is getting married in a few days again and I am feel nervous about the days he is gone, I feel he will forget about me and be in that honeymoon period with he’s wife and I’m thinking how I can still get on with things knowing he’s all loved up with her, it’s very sad feel abit hurt but alhamdulilah I have to get in with it, I’m very nervous about the day he goes, I wil try and keep busy but just the thought of the morning after just saddens me.

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2015

    farah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m sorry to hear you are having a very difficult time adjusting to your husband having married another. I know how difficult it is for you. It not uncommon for women to go through a period of depression. Your whole world has been turned upside down. The only way to truly come up out of the sadness and low state you are in is to seek Allah’s help. He is the only one who could take away your pain and the thoughts you have of your husband being intimate with another woman. There is no magical remedy other than Quran. There is no magical words you could say, other than perform your five daily prayers. Someone here said the Quran is like food for the soul. It is.

    If polygamy is a test for some women and men, a test is not easy. Allah asks us if we think we will enter Paradise/Jannah without being tested like those who came before us. The ayah is so beautiful and heavy. Allah says:

    “Or do ye think that ye shall enter the Garden (of bliss) without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? they encountered suffering and adversity, and were so shaken in spirit that even the Messenger and those of faith who were with him cried: “When (will come) the help of Allah?” Ah! Verily, the help of Allah is (always) near!” Quran: Surah 2, ayah 214

    Polygamy is no cake walk. If it’s your test, you’re going to go through an unpleasant thing with it until Allah purifies your soul. You will have to ask Allah to purify your soul. I don’t know how long it will take for you to feel better. Only Allah knows. Only Allah can give you peace of mind and soul.

  • farah

    April 23, 2015

    Slm …I constantly think of my husband sleeping with his other wife the thoughts killing me and I’m depressed…I keep comparing myself and trying to be better….I have not met his second wife and I don’t wish to..

  • alison

    April 23, 2015

    jazakallahu kheir for this inspirational reminder we need lots of these as humans we tend to forget and need constant reminder

  • anabellah

    April 22, 2015

    Allah out of His Mercy has told us what to do in certain situations. If we do it, we have His protection and His help. No one other than Allah can give us the peace that we seek. Peace and contentment come from Allah. He gives it to us. No one else can. We must do what He instructs us to do in order to get it.

    A person can begin by putting thoughts of anything other than Allah out of the mind. Deal with the day to day activities that one must do while on this planet and, at the same time, remember Allah. One can still remember Allah while doing all things. Everything we see should remind us of Allah. Every person that we see should remind us of Allah. Ask oneself what Allah says about a particular type of person. He tells us all about people. Reminders of Allah are all around us. The food we eat should remind of us Allah. The vehicle He gives us to drive should remind us of Allah. The day and the night when they alternate should remind of us Allah. The sun, clouds, stars, moon, rain etc. should remind us of Allah. We should constantly be in a state of remembrance of Allah. Ask Allah to allow you to remember Him.