What Does it Mean to Accept Polygamy?

what does it mean to accept polygamyWhat does it mean to accept polygamy? We have heard Muslims say we should accept polygamy as a way of life for us. Do we really know what to accept polygamy means? Before a person can accept polygamy the person must know the meaning of acceptance when it comes to a polygamous lifestyle.

To accept polygamy means to believe Allah allows polygamy for men. It was the way of some of Allah’s Prophets. They are our examples. Allah says His Prophet are our examples. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was polygamous in his lifetime. We should read about Allah’s prophets in the Quran. We should relate the lessons to our lives. The Holy Quran is a guide for the believers.

What does it mean to accept polygamy? To accept polygamy means to know Allah chose our mates for us

He decreed polygamy for men who are polygamous. He chose the women who the husband would marry. He chose the men who the women would marry. If a wife thinks her husband chose to become polygamous and chose the wives, she will never accept polygamy. She will not accept that he did something that hurts her badly.

If a wife believes polygamy is about her husband wanting a polygamous life and he doesn’t care how she feels or how it affects her, nothing will make her feel better. Nothing he says or does will ease her pain. Even if he divorces the other woman, her marriage would never be the same again.

What does it mean to accept polygamy? To accept polygamy means to like it

It means to have enthusiasm about living the lifestyle. A wife may say she’ll deal with polygamy because it’s what she is to do. She doesn’t like it and is in a lot of pain in it. What good is it to just deal with polygamy, but not like it?

It won’t make for a good marriage. She may as well just leave her husband. She will still continue to suffer in the marriage, if she has negative thoughts about polygamy and her husband. Negative thoughts only produce negative results.

What does it mean to accept polygamy? It means to have the correct belief in our Creator

A wife must know what to accept polygamy means, if she wants to have a good polygamous marriage. The wife must believe that polygamy is not only good. It is a good way of life for her. She must like it. The wife must have enthusiasm about what Allah has decided for her. If it is a polygamous marriage. She needs to enjoy it.

She has to believe that Allah controls all things. He decreed polygamy for the person who is in it. She must believe Allah places the desire for polygamy in the husband’s heart. She should not blame the husband for how she or he feels.

If a wife wants to have a good polygamous marriage, she needs to know that Allah is the Creator and He disposes of our affairs. The husband and the wife has to want to live a polygamous life, knowing if they are in it, Allah placed them in it. A wife should not go against Allah with her desires. One must know what it means to accept polygamy before one can do it.

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  • anabellah

    December 6, 2017

    Meryem, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    Welcome to our cyberspace home 🙂

    Riddle me this… why are you looking for a wife for your husband? If he wants another wife, why not let him go get his own?

    I don’t know why you want to put that burden on yourself. Furthermore, you may be all fine and dandy about him taking on another wife now, but when and if it happens, you best be prepared for your life to be turned upside down. You best think about what you’re getting into. I suggest you stay out of the search and let him handle his business…

    Why don’t you tell us a little about yourself and your husband’s situation…

  • Meryem

    December 6, 2017

    Selamu alejkum. I want to read more about polygamy in Islam, I want to read more before I find second wife to my husbund.

  • Nikki Francis

    September 26, 2017

    Your comment was so wonderful. I have been okay with my husband taking a second wife, in theory, for years. However, we began to speak of it again lately and I am surprised by the sadness and hurt I feel by realising it could be more then a theory, eventually. So knowing that the pain is normal and the pain would be immense, is comforting in some odd way. I hope that if it becomes a reality I will remember your comment about finding fault in a rock if it was married to my husband. ??. Thank you for making me laugh even when my heart was heavy. ?

  • Gail

    October 25, 2014

    Nice to see u back again.

  • anabellah

    October 25, 2014

    dk, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good to have you back, buddy. Alhumdulliah, you and your family made it back safe and sound. I’m happy to hear the journey was very good and all went well. Thank you very much for remembering me in your prays, as I asked, while you were at Hajj. It means much to me. I greatly appreciate it. Alhumdulliah!

    I pray all is good with your and your family. I pray Allah lightens your burden at work. So now I suppose you’ll see where Allah takes you with your wish to marry another. Have you made your intent about the matter, and know how you intend to move forward with it?

  • dk

    October 25, 2014

    Assalaam u alaikum to all brother and sisters

    Well i am back from my jernye it was alhamdulilah vary vary good
    may allah swt give toufeek to all muslims to visit mekka and madina
    ameen .
    I did not forget u brother and sisters in mai prayers when i was at the haj.Specielly thoes who asked for it.
    just startet at the job lots of things to do .
    Hope u all r in good conditions and well whit your family ameen .

    Wassalam your brother

  • Gail

    October 25, 2014

    I would like to chime in also.Look if a woman chooses to live in Polygamy then she also has to make the choice how she plans on dealing her pain.U can live with it and become bitter and angry and jealous and let it eat u alive like a cancer.I am telling u from my own personal experience it did eat me alive and I let it for a good 4 or 5 years total.I became so disgusted with my ownself and how I felt after awhile I had to take hard deep look at myself and what I saw I didn’t like.I could no longer blame my husband for my actions or deeds or emotions.
    I started figuring out my husband was not the source of my JOY so why on earth was I going to let him steal it.Then I start thinking a little deeper and I saw My husband wasn’t stealing my JOY “I WAS”. You Joy comes from G.D/Allah so don’t let anyone steal your JOY not even Yourself.
    Another thing I figured out about Polygamy that is very very ugly is a woman can find even find fault with a rock if it is married to her husband and if u r a woman that accepts Polygamy then u better accept it with an open heart.
    Everyone has their own ways to accept Polygamy and live in peace and be happy.Polygamy doesn’t have to feel like Hell to u.If it does feel like hell then u r choosing it.That my feelings on the topic.Believe me I suffered and felt pain for alot of years so I don’t want to sugar coat it but it is what it is.

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to All – Happy Jumah

    ummof4, thank you for elaborating on what I said to maimuna. I appreciate it. Alhumdulliah!

    Many people who read this blog and are familiar with the older version of this blog know I am very much aware of the pain and heartache women feel when they are in a polygamous marriage. I know the pain they feel at the thought that their husbands may one day become polygamous when the husbands aren’t already. I am not trying to ignore or be dismissive of the feelings we women have. Dismissiveness is what some people receive when they go speak to an Imam about what’s happening in their polygamous marriage. They usually tell her that polygamy is permissible and she needs to go home and suck it up (no pun intended). They tell her that she needs to deal with it. From what I’ve heard, the Imams usually advise the women that they need to pray and be patient. Prayer and patience are very, very important parts of our religion, regardless of what type of marriage we are in. Prayer and patience are important aspects of Islam. There, however, is more that must go along with it. We try to cover the other aspects here, as women don’t seem to receive it else where.

    A commentor who used to be here, “Lynn”, had once said the pain that women feel when they are in a polygamous marriage is, “the mother of all pain.” I agree with her 100%. It is an unbearable, excruciating pain like none other. Men wouldn’t know of it simply because they aren’t women.On the previous blog we spoke of the pain often and what women go through. It’s important to know, as well, how we can overcome the pain and live a polygamous marriage in a happy state of mind. We need to learn how we can be content and at peace in the marriage. We could live in a state of mind that is far better than we lived before our husbands became polygamous. Life is beautiful and we could experience it. We, however, need to have the correct belief in order to get there. I only try to share what helped me get there. I try to share the knowledge I have of our religion based on what our Creator Allah says. Allah’s promises are true. He want those who are Believers to have the best in this world and the best in the Hereafter.

  • ummof4

    October 24, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Maimuna, as Ana said, no one here is telling women not to have emotions. We are just trying to share our coping mechanisms that we have used to control those emotions and not let the emotions control us. When a person is controlled by her emotions, dangerous situations develop, and emaan (faith) decreases or is not correct.

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2014


    Welcome to the blog and thank you for commenting.

    I don’t set out to make women feel guilty. I only write the Truth. Sometimes Truth hurts. Allah says there are people who have a hatred for Truth.

    If a woman can’t accept polygamy and dislikes polygamy for herself when Allah has placed her in a polygamous marriage, how am I at fault for how she feels. How am I at fault if she feels guilty from what I’ve stated? Are you saying I shouldn’t speak the Truth, if it would hurt someone?

    We could tell a woman all day and night to be “patient” in her polygamous marriage, but without her having the correct belief, her life would get no better. She will continue to suffer in a marriage indefinitely. Allah tells us repeatedly in the Holy Quran that we must have “belief” and “righteous deeds” for a chance to enter Janah/Paradise. They go hand in hand. We cannot have one without the other, as Allah says we need BOTH.

    It is true that Allah created the emotion of “jealousy.” Why do some people always want to mention that Aishah (one of the wives of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)) was jealous? Of course she had feelings of jealousy as she was a human being just the same as we are. Just because it was indicated somewhere that Aishah had jealous feelings, does it excuse us for feeling it, and make it okay? NO! Mentioning it does nothing but allow women to use it as an excuse for feeling the base emotion. “Oh, it’s okay for me to be jealous, even the Prophet Muhammah’s (PBUH) wife, Aishah was jealous.” No, it’s not okay.

    Allah gives us examples in the Holy Quran as to how “jealousy” is not acceptable and the problems it causes. A couple of the stories He gave us was that of Prophet Joseph (PBUH) and his brothers who were jealous of him and the story of Cain and his brother Able. One was so jealous and envious that he killed the other.

    It doesn’t mean anything to mention Aishah had the same emotion every human being has. After all, she was a human being. What did Aishah do to subjugate the base, low emotion? It’s what we should speak of, if we’re going to speak of her.

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2014


    As Salaamu Alaikum, Welcome and thank you much for commenting

    It’s always good to have men join us here, so we could hear their perspective on polygamy. It’s especially nice to hear from men who actually live the lifestyle, as they could share with us the good, bad, and ugly of polygamy as they know it from their experiences.

    I believe as you do that there are some women who don’t accept polygamy for what it is. They don’t accept it in their hearts, but only tolerate it and, therefore, suffer in it. There was a Muslim sister-in-faith who used to stop in periodically and post a comment. The comment was always the same, even if she had been absent from the blog a year or more. She’d say how she was still in a polygamous marriage that she doesn’t think she has to accept, but was being patient and living it to please Allah. As long as she continue to have that attitude, I could foresee she’d continue to be unhappy in her marriage. She didn’t really believe in polygamy. She simply tolerated it. She didn’t believe Allah decided a polygamous marriage for she and her husband. She believed it was something her husband selected to do and she dislike her co-wife for the mere fact the co married “her” (first wife’s) husband. It seemed as thought it was going to be the story of her life, as she refused to “accept” polygamy, but only tolerate it.

    I don’t think banning polygamy in Muslim countries is the answer. It would only create an additional problem. Allah tells us not to make unlawful that which He has made lawful. Allah made polygamy lawful. It’s not for man to contradict Allah.

    Insha Allah, we’ll hear more from you. Thank you again for joining us.

  • maimuna

    October 24, 2014

    Assalamu alaikum.i have been following your write ups for sometime now,but of recent i noticed that instead of making women in polygamy feel better you make them feel guilty of the feelings which is Allah that bestowed im them.instead of consoling you are critising,instead of advising you indeed castigating.sorry i may sound unfair in my words but considerimg that
    our aim is strictly to please Allah we
    must tell each other nothing but the truth.polygamy is the most painful experience in muslim woman’s life so making her more guilty in addition to her pain is not right.our focus should be how to encourage her to imbibe the culture of patience especially as regards to turning to Allah with praters,doing more good deeds and acceptance of the will of Allah.Is not ease to accept such change with enthusiasm.we should just advise her to bear evertthing with patience and tawakkul.also note that jelousy itself is Allah’s creation,or else our beloved mother Aisha will have been spared of it,so our advise should be that women in polygamy should turn to Allah so that He will help to do eveetrhing within the ambit of what will please Him.jazakallahu for your initiative.it is indeed a worthy cause.ma assalam.

  • ruboos

    October 24, 2014

    Hmmmm. Just stumbled on this blog. I guess polygamy is good for the society in a way. These days many women are unmarried and as someone said; half bread is better than none. The worrying thing is the first wife never ever really accept it for what it is. And the second feels cheated all the time.
    Let me open up a little. am a man with two wives but at times i truly regret it. Sometimes i feel like am a punching bag for the wives. Each of them pour her baggage on me at the slightest opportunity. Love and laughter are thrown to the dogs as each jostle for more and more of benefits. They dont live in the same house but the rivalry is still strong. This leaves a man in perpetual exhaustion. You marry another one and the cycle continues and perhaps end up a diabetic or with a BP.
    And to be fair to women in polygamy they also dont like it and often destroys their lives with similar diseases. With this in mind i often dream of a law that bans polygamy in all Muslim countries. One man one wife. period.

  • alison

    October 24, 2014

    Mashallah such a lovely reminder jazallahu kheir