What is Just in a Polygamous Marriage?

what is just in a polygamous marriageWomen married to polygamous men ask what is just in a polygamous marriage. Basically, they’re referring to what their husbands should give them. Certainly, one wife doesn’t want to get less than the other. Consequently, they begin to put demands on him.

Fair and just is what the husband and the wife agree to. Although we know he should feed, cloth and give her shelter. Most wives expect that of him. The husband should make his intention to honor the agreement. His intent matters. It’s important to realize that there is no hard and fast rule about what the husbands should give the wives. It’s because all that we get is from Allah. So, the wife will only get what Allah has allotted for her. She will get no more and no less.

A wife who joins an existing family shouldn’t expect to get all that the other wife has. When the husband has the financial means to give it and wants to give it that’s all fine and good. He may have the wealth to do it, then good for him and the newbie wife. If he intends to make the newbie’s life better, he’s on the right track. The mere fact that he married the newbie and is contributing when she had no husband before should give her joy.

With regard to maintenance, if she wants to forgo it, she may, as well. Some wives don’t need the man’s wealth. Before the marriage, wives have been known to agree not to receive any financial support from him. It’s alright. Although, it is not wise.

What is just in a polygamous marriage depends on the husband’s ability to give

The husband is not required to give the newbie all that the other wife has accumulated over the years. If what the husband offers the newbie isn’t good enough for her, then she may refuse the marriage. She could go find someone else to marry. Besides, she may find one who can give her what she wants and needs.

Wives will make demands. The husbands will more than likely fulfill the demands based on their ability. There is no solid, etched in stone rule that a husband must abide by. If the husband is going to take another wife, he should make sure the wife whom he has, has all that she needs. She should have what she needs to make her life comfortable before he marries again.

When a husband is polygamous he will soon come to know what is just in a polygamous marriage

He learns by trial and error. He takes account of what his wives need and what he can give them. A husband should give his wives what they need based on his means and their needs.

Wives may demand all that they want. It doesn’t mean that they will get it. To force the issue isn’t always the best thing to do. He could divorce her, as well. Then what would she have? If they divorce, she should get maintenance based on a “reasonable” scale. The husband and the wife would need to negotiate it, as well.

A believing wife sees what is just in a polygamous marriage in a different light. She knows that she will only get what Allah wants her to have. She knows that no one can stop or prevent it. The wife knows her Islam. Allah will give the believer the good in this world and the good in the Hereafter. A husband is not expected to do anything above his means or that places a burden on him.

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54 Comments

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2016

    Number4,

    I understand all of what you have said. I could see how you would be disturbed in that he misrepresented certain facts to you. You needed all the facts to make a sound intention to marry him or not. He was wrong in withholding information from you that you needed to base your intend (which Allah brought to fruition) to marrying him or not. You based it on what he presented to you. It sounds you are handling it very well considering it all. It’s good you are calm and have a handle on your emotions. I’m the opposite. I’m a bit of a hothead. I try to be calm in the beginning, but it doesn’t last very long at all Sigh I’m getting a tidbit better. Insha Allah, I get way better soon.

    Thank Allah much that He has given you the means to take care of yourself and not have to depend solely on your husband. It is truly a blessing.

  • Number 4

    January 23, 2016

    anabelah,

    Thanks for seeing my issue with the 4th house and getting why I felt slighted…I’m beyond that now….I can’t stay stuck on it. Speaking up is ok, but he’ll use another hadith to support his side, since there are more hadiths that uphold the male views…
    Even the one about the he’ll fire, for women who were ungrateful, I’m so not that woman, but he’ll use that one a lot. Lol.

  • Number 4

    January 23, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum…

    I think it’s easier said than done (woman-ning up)..bc if we’re truthful this is a religion where men have more dominance, I’m not even arguing right or wrong of that, but it is true. I’ve spoken to him about a house, he didn’t think my focus should be on the house bc I don’t have enough saved yet.
    His focus is what he terms “the Family get away”, I’ve told him that I’m not interested in the get away and I didn’t understand why this new house was important especially to share with the four of us at individual times. That would not be my space. And we are not a Family, I’ve never met these women. Lol….

    Since this house was in the makings before I came aboard,I can’t change his mind…. I don’t have any say on how he spends his money. Sometimes if I raise a question and if he sees it as negative, he reminds me about the hadith that says more women were seen in the hell FIRE by the prophet (s.a.s), lol so of of course that halts that conversation, it’s not like I’m going to say….

    Hmmm mister man , let’s think about that, there are more women born than men, so mathematically that may be why more of them are there. LOL….

    So I let it go. I didn’t marry for possessions but he really did misrepresent those things to me. Even saying in the beginning that all his other wives were on board with polygamy when one is most vehemently against it but that’s her issue.
    He wants me to be excited about the house, I will be glad when he’s bought it because it’s a goal he will accomplish soon.

    I don’t blame polygamy, I chose to say yes…but when you find out new things later it creates an imbalance. I don’t know if he co owns all the houses with the others, I’m guessing maybe with the first one of more than twenty years…since he sometimes talks about having to make repairs, or hire a plumber or painters…I never hear those things about the other two houses…

    Once he suggested I use his tax person but emphasized that I needed to pay for the service..Lol. So I did. But I’m going to do my own taxes this year lol.

    My issues thankfully are not elephants, but even the rabbits as small as they are can create bigger problems if I stay stuck on his choices and how he spends his money…I don’t think polygamy is the same for everyone. Thankfully, I don’t need to depend on his finances, but it would be nice to know he had my back if I had a financial challenge, which I did being laid off work for three months…with no additional support. Since then, I’ve just shifted my mind set. I’m my best supporter….

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2016

    Probably one of the biggest problems is a wife says she doesn’t want to make any demands on her husband. Yet she sits silently and is unhappy. She blames the husband and polygamy for her unhappiness. She needs to blame herself.

    Number4,

    In your case, it’s not a matter of making demands. It a matter of speaking to your husband about what is just. It would be one thing if you married him, knowing the other three wives had houses and he couldn’t afford one for you. It’s another thing for the three of them to have houses and he could afford another house, but wants that house to be available for all four of you to vacation in, in turns. It doesn’t matter that he made the intent for the fourth house before he married you. People can change their plans. Nothing is etched in stone by humans. You certainly should not feel badly or wrong for speaking up about it. You aren’t wrong to voice to him how you feel. I’d feel as though I was getting the short end of the stick too, if I were you. A woman can make her pitch (argument) to her husband and it will be whatever Allah has decreed it to be, but at least man up woman…

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2016

    safia, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you much for being hear and for letting your presence be known. It makes me very happy when I hear from you. Go ahead and let all your feelings out when you get so inspired. Insha Allah, we’ll be your sounding board. I only ask that you not take offense, if I get a little carried away sometimes when replying. My style can be a bit harsh. I’ve been managing to tame it, but every now and again the beast breaks out of me LOL

  • safia

    January 23, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum,
    Shukran Sister Anabellah and Number 4 for your good advise! I am so glad I have an outlet to let my feelings out. Its been very very hard. Insha Allah like you said it will get better.
    Alhumdillah
    Number 4 i will make Dua that Allah will make it easy on you. I think anabellah is correct you should ask for a house. I am trying really hard.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Greetings to you all

    Please know, if you see a post approved, disapproved and then approved, it’s probably because I’m on my cell phone. I approve it and then I go back only to find that it was unapproved unintentionally somehow.

  • Number4

    January 23, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh. ..

    I’ve just reread your previous post in this topic, I enjoy my husband and I don’t have any issues with polygamy. My concerns had been about fairness bc as I said men can’t treat women equally.

    You wrote that being Number 4, I knew there would be financial challenges. …NOPE not at all. This isn’t what was ever stated to me or My Wali. In fact I was told the opposite. When I saw further into the challenges, I was thankful to have my own career and have an income.

    I’ve had vto readjust my thinking in order to accept the whole thing.Allah tells men to be kind to their wives. Misleading them isn’t being kind.

    As things became clearer to me, within 6 to 8 months I believe, more things were revealed. I do believe that my husband has good intentions and will keep the promises he’s made. I have made promises and have kept them towards him. I’m learning him through this marriage and he’s learning me. I’m focusing beyond him and choose to continue to be married for the sake of Allah. What makes me forgive some of the things that he misrepresented is bc he is devoted to Allah above all things, seeing his faith shine through and knowing that he is not playing with Islam makes me a blessed woman and wife bc he is pretty balanced and weighs his decisions with the Sunnah. He is human and will make mistakes. Insha Allah, he will continue to be a really good companion as we are compatible on many levels, thank Allah.

    I definitely don’t make demands on him, I give him ease, we don’t stress one another. I would have rather that he was just more truthful to me Early on, I think he assumed that I was like previous women he married and he sees that I am not conniving, or out to get all his time, I’ve been in monogamy, I prefer polygamy, I’m an independent person. I don’t want to be lied to or have any misrepresentation. Allah knows best.

  • jasmina

    January 22, 2016

    thats okay Ana. your blog wants to evolve. it has a brain and its gone crazy from all our crazy lives

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2016

    Okay, this blog is making me cookoo LOL jasmina, I’m sorry you lost your post. I wrote a post to you and when I write from my back office, the post drops underneath the person whom I responded to. Well, how is the person to know it’s under there lol. So, when I forget and write it that way, I have to turn around, delete the comment and re-post it to be on top. It’s crazy.

    I wrote one to you under “Her co wife is pregnant in polygamy”. I will go now and move your last two posts. If I screw it up, please let me know, so I can fix it LOL Thank you.

  • jasmina

    January 22, 2016

    oh those last 2 posts shud be in january discussion

  • anabellah

    January 21, 2016

    Sadly, the people you’re associated with although they say they are Muslim don’t know Islam. They only know that they want what they see. They know others have what they want. So, they have their hands out. They have a sense of entitlement. They don’t believe that everything we have is foment Allah and we only get what he wants each of us to have. They don’t know that Allah tells us to lower our gaze. It doesn’t only pertain to looking at the opposite sex. It means what others have as well. They won’t understand what you or anyone else say to them to try to get them to comprehend.

    Even with you and your family, how you lived and strive to have what you got. You and your family didn’t pull yourselves up by your bootstaps. Allah wrote it and gave you what you have. Those other people lives don’t have to resemble yours. Everyone has a different script.

  • Mari2

    January 21, 2016

    @Ana
    I do agree. Life isn’t easy in this land paved of gold and it is even harder in other countries. I get that. My parents do well because they worked hard, scrimped and saved. I do okay because I too worked, scrimped and saved. I live comfortably by the grace of Allah and a lot of hard work. I’m far from rich, but I am comfortable and happy. I do not need the latest cell phone, I buy my clothes at deep discounts or second hand. I happily accept hand me downs be it clothing, furniture and I am happy to help others whenever and however I can.

    M was happy like this too until he brought his mom here, married 2 and that expense, bringing his sis here and that expense, took a loan from a friend so bro in Pakistan could have a car etc. He’s sinking in debt for visa costs and putting up a front.

  • anabellah

    January 21, 2016

    Allah says He gives to us according to what we have earned, as well. Maybe you’re not getting what you want because you haven’t earned it

  • anabellah

    January 21, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Greetings to all

    I like the saying, “You can’t get blood from a stone.” It’s an applicable saying for those women who want more from their husbands, and don’t want to accept that he can only give according to his means. The women marry men who are married, but they want more. What were they thinking? They must have known what type of job or business the men had before they agreed to the marriage. They must have had an idea of his financial ability. They must have known what the men could afford and could not afford.

    They marry the men and then they make demands on the men that they can’t fulfill. The women then blame the men and blame polygamy for their unhappiness. I just don’t get it. Someone needs to explain to me what I’m missing as though I am a 2 year old, so that I can get it. When do the women start owning up to being a part of the problem? No one FORCED women to marry men who are already married.

    The same thing happens in monogamous marriages. Women put pressure on men to get them more. Some leave marriages because the husband can’t meet their expectations. Who do the women think that they are? Who do the women think their husbands are? It seems they think men can just make things happen, as thought they are gods.

    Allah says He provides. Allah says He gives want and plenty. Allah says He gives in ascertainable measure. Do these “Muslims” who complain about what they get believe or do they only lip profess?

  • anabellah

    January 21, 2016

    Mari 2,

    Well, it seems that they are going to have a hard way to go, if he has no more to give. It will be what it is with or without you. They have more to gain with you. Allah knows best! He could give your husband a better job. None of us knows. Only Allah does. We’re just guessing.

    You’re right. No one can get blood from a stone. I’m glad you mentioned it. It’s leads to my next post.

  • Mari2

    January 21, 2016

    @Ana

    I don’t think you are being harsh. You tell it like it is. I have no problem with that. And yes I could be given the boot…from my marriage to him. Not from my home, not from my family etc. And booting me won’t get them more financially. What he helps me with financially amounts to about 200 dollars a month. And I pay his car insurance since I am on the title. So booting me really won’t gain them anything with regards to what he can feasibly afford monetarily. You can’t get blood from a stone.

  • anabellah

    January 21, 2016

    Mari2,

    If she is disappointed about living in the basement once she gets here, you and your husband are the ones who will feel the heat. She and his mother WILL want more. You know their disposition. You’ve been describing it to us.

    Guess who will get what they want. I’d venture to say his mother and she will. You, yourself, said they always have their hands out and he goes out of his way to get them what they want. When they start screaming – get rid of her (meaning) you, I’d venture to say you’re the one who will get the boot.

    Those people live and die for their families. If anyone needs to get prepared and ready for what’s to come, I’d venture to say it is you. I don’t mean to be harsh, but what else can I say

  • Mari2

    January 21, 2016

    @Gail
    I don’t think 2 will come here and hate it and divorce him. No way she would divorce. I know that. Nor do I want that for him. Like you said, it’s hard for Americans to wrap their minds around the over giving. Giving necessities is fine of course. But it’s the over giving of luxuries that seems foolhardy when one doesn’t have the means.

    I just worry for him that 2 will not be happy living with him in his current situation if her past behavior is an indicator of her expectations. When she moved from her family home to his family’s home after marriage she complained that it was inferior. She and her mom complained about the quality of food 2 was provided. His home in Pakistan is far bigger and more comfortable than the basement in which 2 will share with him and his mom. To M’s credit he has tried to explain this to 2. It just is hard in my area since rents are so very high.

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2016

    Number4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you, Sis, for helping me understand you and your life better. I started laughing too when I read “whore house” in your post. LOL

    It should be nice having a family time share spot for you all to retreat too. It was an ingenious idea and a good one for a polygamous set up. I certainly know Vacations can be quite costly, as the hubz and I have taken at least a good 35 during the soon to be 14 years of our lives together in matrimony. It seems your husband has made a wise investment.

    Thank you for not getting angry at me for voicing my thoughts. I didn’t mean to offend. Many times we’re just making guesses based on the information we receive. It’s all good.

  • Number4

    January 20, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum. ..

    Thank you Anabellah, good advice. But let me clarify, when I say good wife I mean I try to and meet his wishes but he tries to meet mine too.
    I know that a good wife represents a man’s idea of wifedom….but it is a widespread notion too.

    your right, I never spoke about my finances, but I know him well enough to know that right now his money is saved for the vacation spot.

    He’s already decided. He was sharing the news because he’s going to pay for it soon.

    So he wouldn’t take from that pot to pay m5 bills, no way.

    We don’t have tons of money either and I believe this house he wants has been a goal before we married. Prior to the marriage Idid ask through my Wali for a house and said that I could share the expenses and my husband agreed…but that’s not a goal right now for him, he’s set on this vacation home, lol you said “whore house ” lol to me its like a Wife -Share, time share motto. .,I’m not feeling that at all.

    I’m a simple gal I declined diamond ear rings, he said he bought the other three a pair. ,,I’m good with CZ or Diamonique ear rings.

    I’ve moved past the fantasy that we’ll share a house. I’m just trying to really focus on my income. I’m also studying more so that Allah is my focus, .,,and I’ve been doing that for some time now, and I don’t invest alk my attention in my husband because I want to be a devout Muslim.

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2016

    Number4,

    I forgot to mention something. You said you “continue to be a good wife”. I think when a wife focuses on being a “good wife” she goes wrong.

    I’d tell any woman; don’t try to be a good wife. Don’t strive to be a “good wife”. Don’t want to be a “good wife.”

    Try to be the best servant of Allah. Strive to be the best servant of Allah. Want to be the best servant of Allah. Allah tells us to focus all our attention on Him. He didn’t tell us to focus our attention on a husband, a wife, a child, or a parent or anyone else.

    Think only about pleasing Allah. I can’t say it enough. When Allah is pleased with a person, He will let the person do good. As a result, for instance, the wife will treat her husband good. She will treat anyone else good whom Allah has deemed worthy of being treated good. If a woman remembers Allah in all that she does, she doesn’t have to think about her husband and being a good wife to him. She’ll naturally do good because Allah will have decreed it.

    No one can do any good or evil unless Allah wills it. We can bring no good or harm to ourselves unless Allah wills it.

    Women do themselves a huge injustice when they try to be a good wife. They’ve got the wrong goal in mind. I think it’s due to erroneous teachings of men who want women to be subservient to men

  • Gail

    January 20, 2016

    Mari2,

    If u r thinking that M will ever stop the giving to them it will never happen.In Pakistani culture it is up to the women to ask and the men to provide it period the end.He must provide for his wife as she ask for it that is there culture.Same goes for his sisters and nieces and nephews and well u get the point the giving is never going to stop.NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR
    Don’t think for a second his other wife will come and she will hate and it and divorce him no way it will never happen she knows she is in it for life.I still am in shock that my own husband left his cousin for me and I am not so certain that in the future after the kids r grown he will not leave me for her however I can’t live worrying about the what if’s i refuse to concern myself with family drama and politics.
    If u remember when Jenny was on the blog she always talked about her husband sending gifts as well to Pakistan to the point he was sending of her on stuff like a phones and computers etc… It is more than insane.The reason they do all this nonsense is because they are out of the country and it is expected of them to show off.Pakistani people r the biggest show offs.I mean it is just disgusting to be frank.They can be struggling and basically homeless in a foreign country(dirt dog poor) yet they will send insane gifts back to Pakistan to make it appear they r doing awesome and financially sound when they might not have to nickels to rub together.It is something an American just can’t wrap their head around.
    This is how bad it is and this is how much i have fought my own husband on this topic.Because i keep all the money and I throw a $h!t fit when he buys expensive stuff to send back to pakistan we fight like crazy on this topic.
    OK well last year he actually wen to Wal mart and stole yes stole around 70 dollars worth of clothes to send back to his family in Pakistan.The man had 20,000 dollars at the time he stole the 70 dollars worth.This is how sick and disgusting it is.I was so furious when a cop came out to our home and confronted him and he had to go turn himself in.OH he tried to lie and wiggle his way out of it but i new the truth.I was going through a possible double breast cancer scare at that time to where i had to have him watch the kids for me while i had to have ultrasounds and mammograms and biopsies and titanium markers placed in both my breast.I couldn’t believe he could be so selfish and disgusting.He has no pride in himself as a human being as far as I am concerned.So at that time i had no choice but to bail his @$$ out and I went to hire a lawyer and paid that dude like 1500 dollars for peace of mind my dumb ass husband would not go to jail while i had my procedures on my breast taken care off.I will never forget sitting in that lawyers office and the attorney asking him what happen etc.. and he needed to know the full story.I was so livid my husband just sat there because he knew his ass was cooked good.Even if he tried to lie i was not going to let him and he knew it.I flat spoke up and said he is guilty as sin he stole those things straight up then i looked at him and told him straight get to talking and tell this man what he needs to know to help your dumb @$$.
    I have never stolen as much as a penny in my entire life.I have lived my life morally correct and to see this and know it stems back to his upbringing and his culture makes me want to stick my foot up his @$$ everyday!
    My husband Geesh how can i describe my crazy husband anyway I think u pretty much get the point how NUTS those people can be.
    I told my husband if u were going to steal something u DUMB A@@DHJKHJGASBD get something for me and the kids and u know what his response was?The same as your husband buying u an Eid outfit U have money u can get what u want! I can not tell u how many times I wanted to throat punch that dude!

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2016

    Number4,

    With you having married fourth, I would assume that you’d know you’d have some financial difficulties in the marriage, if he already had three wives. Regardless, I think you’re doing really good handling it. More than anything, Satan is messing with your head. He’s telling you that all the other wives have it better than you. He’s telling you that you are the “black sheep” so to speak. Don’t listen to him. Stop giving him air time in your head.

    Many forget and some don’t know that Allah determines exactly what each one of us gets. A husband doesn’t. A husband does not decide. It’s just an illusion that he does. A husband only delivers to the wives what Allah wants them to have. A wife must remember it so she will be grateful to Allah, and not disappointed in a husband. As long as a wife thinks her husband makes the decisions and provides, she will be dissatisfied. She has a false belief.

    Number4, what did your husband say when you asked him for a house? You said his other three wives have houses. What did he say when you asked him not to buy a vacation home, but to buy you a home that you and he could pay for?

    I wouldn’t want to vacation at the same spot as a co-wife, especially not in the same house that they go to. I’d think I was going to a whore house. To each her or his own though. Did he buy it already? I’d think you’d want to establish your own memories not at the same place as a co.

    Men are not mind readers. Women have to ask them for what they want and talk with them about what is troubling them.

    You said your husband didn’t seem concerned when you were out of work and struggling. Did he know you were struggling and needed help? You can’t just ASSUME or think he is supposed to know something. Spell it out for him. Sit him down and explain it to him like he’s a two year old.

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2016

    Number4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Polygamy is interesting. People just have to live it the same as they live monogamous marriages. People run their own households and take care of private matters without a manual or instructions on how (although there are some out there for how to have a good marriage).

    There are probably as many ways to manage a household as there are people on the planet. Everyone has a different financial situation and way of living. It’s impossible to regulate it. Furthermore, I don’t think it was meant to be regulated. Allah doesn’t want to make our religion difficult for us.

    I hate the Islamic State IS/ISL. It’s enough for me to say leave people alone and let them figure things out and live life as Allah has designed it. It’s what people in polygamous marriage need to do – figure out among you what is “just”. Allah say to us all – be just and kind to mankind. All on the planet are instructed by Allah to be Just to all of mankind. All in a polygamous marriage must figure out what “just” is for them.

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2016

    Safiya, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    It’s nice you’ve met some of the lovely ladies here. Welcome!

    Men are strange creatures. In a non-Islamic books that I read, the author said the more a woman does for a man, the more he looks for her to do for him. He’ll keep coming up with and looking for more things for her to do. I think it’s funny. He’s not trying to “use” her. It’s just what they do SMH

    I’m familiar with cases in which husbands think they may go marry others with what they have left over monetarily. You said you paid the household expenses throughout the marriage and still do. Well, I’m assuming that he thought you’d keep doing it, regardless of what happens

    We could talk all day and night about how he did it and why and whether it was right or not. In reality, how it was done was how Allah wrote it to happen. It happened when it was supposed to, as well. There was no waiting for what you would have considered a better time. So, where do you go from here?

    Things may get better for you now. It has been known to happen when the husband takes another wife. They all prosper. Talk to your husband about what you need him to do and expect of him that would help you out. The only way he’ll know is if you discuss it with him.

    You’re doing good by asking Allah for direction.

  • ummof4

    January 20, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ummi Aisha, you asked a good question about time and children and asked for evidences from the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (SAWS). It is true that the Prophet saw each of his wives daily. They each had their own separate dwelling, but they lived very close to each other. The Prophet did not have children by any of his wives when he had nine wives, and his children by Khadijah were adults. So he never had to deal with seeing his young children. As Ana stated, a man has a right to see and talk to any of his family members whenever he wants to. It is advisable, however, for a man and his wife to have some hours of private time when the other wife (and even the children) are not to disturb the married couple. Usually this private time is over night (unless the man works a night shift and his free time is in the day). If your husband does not stop by your house every day, don’t see it as a bad thing, just make sure your husband explains to your children that he has two wives and two homes now. I do not believe that it should be the duty of the wife to explain to the children. If the husband is man enough to marry another wife, he should be man enough to talk to his won children.

    Safiya, it is unfortunate that your husband has married another wife when you are paying most of the household bills. My advice to any sister getting married is that the husband be able to provide her with food, clothing and shelter according to his means. This is without any financial assistance from the wife. This is basic maintenance. Men who cannot afford a family have been advised to fast until they can afford a family. The key words are “according to his means”. If a man does not have means to support a wife in the lifestyle she desires, then in my opinion, they should not marry. He should marry a wife who is willing to live according to his means. If not, at some point down the line it will come up that she is supporting the family – it doesn’t matter if the marriage is monogamous or polygynous.

    I have lived this lifestyle in my marriage of 40 years and taught my daughters and sons to do the same. My daughters are both on their second marriages and have never been responsible for their own food, clothing and shelter while married. My sons provide food, clothing and shelter for their wives and children. All of this is according to the means of the husband. None of us are rich, but we have the necessities of life. If my daughters, daughters-in-law or I want to get something that is not within the means of our husbands, we manage to get the money for it by ourselves by working at a job, establishing a business, or bartering.

    Many women enter into a marriage as 50/50 financial partners. Some even tell the husbands that they will support them, all the husband has to do is be loving and caring to them. Then when the attitude of the wife changes, the husband has demands put on him that he never agreed to. Then he is made out to be the bad guy when the wife agreed to the financial situation in the beginning.

    A few years ago when my husband married a second wife, she said that she wanted a house and everything that I had. My husband provided her with a nice furnished apartment, clothing, food and an allowance. He told her that if she wanted a house like mine that she would have to wait for 28 years because that’s how long we were married before we bought a house. If she wanted a car she would have to buy it herself, because I bought my own used car. If she wanted the same allowance as me, then he would have to lower her allowance, because her allowance was more than mine. And if she wanted to have clothes like mine, she would have to find the nearest thrift store or wait until her friends gained weight and gave her their hand me downs, because I rarely buy new clothes (I’m a thrift store, reuse, reduce, recycle junkie when it comes to clothes). I still have a khimar that I bought in 1980.
    As you have probably guessed, she never asked to have everything that I have again LOL.

    Everyone, please be grateful with all that Allah gives us without us even asking for it.

  • Number4

    January 20, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum sisters…

    @Safiya,
    I’m sorry that you experienced this. This was not fair to you at all. I am working, in fact all of us work, only one is retired but she receives a pension. I know for me I need more financial support. I receive an allowance which helps with food weekly thank Allah but nothing else.
    I had actually got laid off of my job and was out of work three months, I used my savings to pay rent alone and small household bills.

    I finally found a new job and I’m so thankful because I’m doing 90 percent alone.

    He has three homes with the other three wives, but I believe he Co owns with the first, so I’m thinking that I will always get a short end. I have cried, I have prayed to Allah to remove my anger and sadness and you know what I’m OK… I’m still behind in bills but I realize that I’m on my own.
    I feel like there should be a step by step financial guide to polygamy which includes income guidelines, women’s allowance… Because to say things go by what men can afford isn’t clear at all.

    I listen to my husband talk about buying new boiler for a house he has with the first one, but I’m in an apartment which I actually like and don’t mind, I don’t ever see myself really sharing finances with him…

    Right now he’s looking at houses, he is about to buy one he says for trips and each wife gets to spend time there one day…. Am I selfish to think, once that it would be nice for us to have a home which I would help with mortgage instead of him buying another home for vacationing for all of us at individual times?

    Safiya I saw some of myself in your post, I can relate. I’ve let go of my animosity, I will have to continue as a single person making all my own provisions… I’m OK… being out of work with no help really woke me up. I have to keep my well-being first. I was so fearful of becoming homeless. He never once asked how I’m managing with no income coming… And I continue to be a good wife…

    I just feel like polygamy is practiced however the man decides….

  • Safiya

    January 20, 2016

    As Salaam alaykum.. I was and still am that when my husband married another wife he was not maintaining our home at all. i was working long hours just to provide for our household. It was very upsetting to me that he would bring another wife into his life when he was not taking care of the family he already had. We had a lot of issues that bringing another wife in the picture only added baggage. I felt and still feel that he should have waited until we were in a better position to take on another wife. I am not against what Allah has written, I am against the way he went about it. I did not give up my maintenance I only worked long hours cause he had me believing that he could not afford to help out more. I am ready to divorce but i think about our son. I ask Allah for direction.

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2016

    Mari2,

    I dunno. Based on what I know of the situation, I don’t see any change coming from him, his mother or the cousin/wife. They are who they are and they are ruled by culture.

  • Mari2

    January 19, 2016

    Ana,
    While your suggestions have certain merits, I’ve already dealt with the MIL. So no way. Only if my mom herself could come here, which she wouldn’t. Also, I cannot invite people to stay here then ask them to leave after X amount of time without having to deal with eviction law if they refuse to go. I prefer not to invite danger and have to deal with costly eviction processes. Better to be on my own. Let 2 and sis come here and know exactly what M works soooo hard to provide. Let M become a decision maker. Let him make the hard choices. I told M that I am not a “gimme” girl. And I have proved it time and again. He has to put a boot down upon the gimmes. I cannot.

  • Mari2

    January 19, 2016

    Ana,
    During this summer during Ramadan I bought my own suit for Eid. And I bought M a gift because I WANTED to. 2 on the other hand complained that M didn’t send enough money for the 3 suits she wanted, plus shoes. She gave him nothing btw. By the time Eid and the Pakistani drama encroached upon me, I chose to forgo the elaborate suit I chose and instead chose to wear a simple black abaya since Allah really doesn’t care anyway about sparkly hijabs. And it’s about Allah after all. In the meantime she spent 18 USD on a ridiculous pair of heels that she couldn’t wear out of the house since the uneven roads there would have resulted in a nasty ankle break. And I didn’t see M before Eid that day. So later he said: what did you wear? I showed him my simple abaya. And he said why did you wear such a plain thing? So I said: I wore it because I had it and I was thinking of Allah and in a plain mood. And he said why didn’t you wear what you bought? I said I was waiting to wear what you bought me. His response: oh.

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2016

    What a nightmare, manipulation and imagery. SMH I feel for you.

    I don’t believe in wives living together, but so much is already wrong with the people whom you are dealing with. Nonetheless, the only way I see it working for YOU is for you to bring your husband, his mother and the co into your home. It’s the only way you all will share. You’ll have the upper-hand. They’ll see that no one is being dealt with unfairly. They won’t be so staunch on getting you divorced. They know if he divorces you, they won’t live as lavishly. To you how you live isn’t lavish. For those who come from meager means, it is lavish.

    If the three of them ever leave your home, you don’t have a marriage license, so you don’t have to divide anything with your husband. Send him packing with his clothes and send the mom and the wife with him with their personal belongings only. Of course, don’t give your husband the heads up. Keep to yourself how you plan to proceed. Secure your position from a worldly perspective. Make the best of a piss pour situation. Act wisely

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2016

    The last post that I wrote may have been confusing to some. I should have said, the Pakistani men who obey their parents by marrying their cousins and then marry another woman or was already married to another woman, knowing Pakistani people don’t believe in polygamy are wrong. They need to go one way or the other, not swing both ways. They disrupt so many lives. All involved get jerked around. There will never be any harmony and peace in such a set up. It’s impossible when there are those involved who disregard Allah and what He says.

    Wealth is to be spent not only on family members. Marriage is not about marrying family members. Polygamy shouldn’t be disliked by Muslims.

  • Mari2

    January 19, 2016

    And I blame M and his mom for taking videos of my home and things and alluding that all these things were M’s prior to his marriage to 2. They gave her illusions and false beliefs. I blame them for 2’s misunderstanding of precisely the financial and most recent living situation of M and MIL. And while I have a nice place, much of what I have is second hand, inherited, and refurbished flea and thrift market finds. I love to decorate on the cheap and re purpose old furniture. I scour second hand stores for items with architectural details and interest. None of this comes from M. Not the ideas, not the money (though cheap), not the time. But 2 sees the pictures and decides she MUST have what I have. There’s no way he can give her a place like I have. So he is pushing and pushing me to take her into my home, along with his mom, when and if she gets her visa approved. I say NO. NO. NO. Sorry, but NO.

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2016

    Mari2,

    I don’t think 2 will ever get it, regardless of who tries to explain it to her or how. In her mind, she would have more if you weren’t in the picture. Now, he is giving you what she thinks she should have. Even if he buys you an ice cream cone, in her mind it’s money that she could have had.

    I think Pakistani men who obey their mothers and marry their cousins, knowing that Pakistani people don’t believe in polygamy are wrong. Polygamy is difficult enough without those complications mentioned. Pakistani men who do it are greedy, selfish and wrong. The Pakistanis who call themselves “Muslim” and reject polygamy are wrong. The Pakistan people who keep marriage all in the family are wrong. The Pakistani parents who take control of their children’s live are wrong. There is so much wrong with their culture on so many levels. I see nothing but WRONG.

  • Mari2

    January 19, 2016

    Asiya,
    I agree that it is hard for men to separate emotion. And it is equally hard for women too. Polygamy is an ongoing test of emotion, patience and faith. And as number4 mentioned, a man cannot give an equal amount of possessions to both. There are too many factors. I have possessions that I have earned on my own, because I am employed or inherited or owned from my first marriage. I require less of M as to “things”, whereas 2 thinks she should have what I have. She just doesn’t understand that much of what I have came BEFORE my marriage to M. And much of what I have is because I am employed. Because she was raised cloistered with the idea that husbands are the providers of things, 2 thinks M should be providing her with more, and feels as though she has less things because some way I am taking them from her. M tries to explain. But she doesn’t get it.

  • asiya

    January 18, 2016

    Thankyou Ana!

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2016

    asiya, WOW, what you said in your post https://www.polygamy411.com/what-is-just-in-a-polygamous-marriage/#comment-13476 was profound. I’d put the quote here, but I’d have to retype you entire post. So, I just made it simpler and put the link here.

  • asiya

    January 18, 2016

    Assalumu alaykum Ana, what yu had written reminds me of something I watched last night the man was saying that when practising justice in islam wyou must remove all emotion to be able to apply justice because whenever emotion in added it can lead yu to be unjust.its amazing how simple it is but very hard for us to follow

  • asiya

    January 18, 2016

    Assalumu alaykum, number 4 I absolutely agree, that’s why thought it is something that we shpuld all be aware of because at times we come into situations were this happens..

    I’m a strong believer that you can never compare ur lofe with someone else’s and instead of comparing try to be understanding because we all have had rough times in our lives and Allah has given us these things we have or who we are and there are reasons behind this so when we compare and become jelous and cause problems due to this we are I guess in a way not trusting in Allah and questioning what he has decreed Allah knows best..

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2016

    number4 As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m of the belief that you are. The husbands can’t treat the wives equally with regard to possessions, but they should treat them fairly. They must be just with them.

    I think wives confuse equal with fair and just. Of course, the wives are equal as wives regardless of what number they are, but, as you said equality with regard to possessions is different.

    I agree with you that a lot of the demands they make are out of jealousy and competitiveness more than anything else. Add envy to the mix. A wife could be content and then finds out the husband is doing something for the other wife. She then becomes envious and jealous. She then begins to compete and make demands. It’s not so much that she wants a particular thing. It’s more about her feelings. So she begins to jerk the husband around and put pressure on him with her demands

  • Number4

    January 18, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh

    @asiya…It isn’t expected that wives have the same possessions. No where is it written that men can treat wives equally, it’s impossible, but they should treat them fairly. People are different, what makes one happy may not make the other happy.
    This idea might be formed out of jealousy and a competition, but it’s not good to focus on possessions. I do understand though.

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2016

    Mari2,

    Good for you that you had the conversation with him. You showed him the evidence and he got it Sometimes men need we women to explain things to them like they are a two year old.

    Insha Allah, he’ll put his foot down with her when she gets here and she won’t be blowing up his phone every time he goes out the door. He’s the one who will have to put her in check, if it pleases Allah.

    Many wives have a tendency to do things intentionally to jerk the other wife around. Your co has been given leniency. There will come a time that she needs to straighten up and fly right. How it will come about, only Allah knows.

  • Mari2

    January 17, 2016

    And as far as what he can afford monetarily I am in complete understanding. He may help me here and there and I help him here and there. I asked for no dowry. I bought him an Eid gift because he deserved it, never buying himself anything while sending money home to pay for everything for everyone. Then he gets a hard time from people in Pakistan…”you’re in USA 6 years and you own no business? What are you doing?” I told him that he should tell all family in Pak: new business plan..I send you nothing and invest it all in a business for myself. And anyone here knows that starting a business or becoming a franchise owner is NOT like Pakistan where one purchases an empty room and calls it a business. Then becomes a “business owner” and puts that on their marital CV.

  • Mari2

    January 17, 2016

    Ana,
    The one thing I asked my husband for was the benefit of his time. He works night shift, I work days so our only quality time physically together is weekend mornings when he returns from work until he goes to sleep. 4 hours, 2x per week. When he first married 2, our twice weekly mornings were constantly interrupted by her frequent phone calls EVEN though he speaks to her for hours during his shift at work every day. When his mom was here, she too interrupted our brief time together with this, that, and another regarding wife 2. I complained and M said that I got more time with him. That’s what he thought.

    So I took his phone and calculated the hours he spoke to me..10 or so minutes Monday thru Friday morning and the 8 hours per weekend we see each other in person. Then I showed him the copious amount of time he spends talking to her every single night of his 7 day job. And while I know that she’s in one place and I am here, I told him that I expect and want him to be focused on me for the eight hours per week and put his phone on silent while with me in my home. He agreed and has been very good about it.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2016

    Musakaleem Mohammed, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, my brother 🙂

    It’s always good to hear from you. It’s been a while since you’ve stopped in. Insha Allah, don’t stay away so long.

    Insha Allah, forgive your wife for taking you in to see the Imam. I know it must have been a bit embarrassing for you. Most first wives do exactly what you said they do. They use tactics to try to stop their husbands from marrying another or from spending his money on the other. They grasp at straws. Most of the time it’s out of desperation.

    The wife may have been content with what she was receiving from her husband before he married another. When he marries another, they begin to pile on a list of things that they think they need, want and are supposed to have. It becomes about the money. It’s what happens to most women (especially wives who married first) in the beginning stages of polygamy. Some stay in that stage. They don’t leave it, as they don’t know what they do is wrong. So they don’t try to change it in themselves.

    Wives can get a little crazy with their demands. They know how much their husbands make. They know if he has wealth or not. Yet, they still make demands as though the men are millionaires LOL Where do they think these men are suppose to get the money from? Do they think he is supposed to pull it out his @$$ LOL

    Women use the money card to say a husband shouldn’t have another wife. She says he can’t afford it. No where in the Quran does Allah say polygamy is only for wealthy, rich men. Islam is about making sacrifices and about sharing. We should work together as sisters and brothers in faith. A wife shouldn’t make life difficult for her husband and a husband shouldn’t make life difficult for his wife.

    Brother, if you feel you must let some of your wives go so that you can have peace of mind and free yourself of the craziness, then do what Allah has inspired you to do. Allah could replace those wives with some that are far better. He said it to the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) when they were giving him a hard time. The Prophets are our examples. Life is too short to deal in strife. Islam is about Peace. Muslims are quick to say Islam is about peace, but they don’t do what it takes to have it. Good chatting with you my brother.

  • Musakaleem Mohammed

    January 16, 2016

    ASA Sister Ana, its been a while but glad to read this article awlie back I was tooken to the imam by my first wife on this same topic and more, sister wanted a divorce until the imam said what you said in this article. A husband only can provide by his means and she said I wasn’t I was ashamed
    Thiscwasca tactic to try to make me stop be in those other marriages. But we worked it out.. I am releasing my other wives except one maybe and start over. It’s beautiful sisters who understand jennah is better and work with and appreciate a good Muslim husband.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2016

    UMMI Àishà Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome. Alhumdulliah that you have found us 🙂

    When it comes to children with polygamous parents, the children are not on a schedule. The father can see the child/children whenever he makes his intent to see them. It doesn’t matter which wife’s night it is. He is free as a bird when it comes to him being allowed to see his children day or night. One must keep in mind, however, that the father is only going to see the child when Allah has decreed it, if you believe that Allah determines all things. It is the same with anything else.

    You should keep in mind that we can’t make anyone do anything. Your husband knows that he has children. He knows that he is a father. He knows that he should see his children and his children most likely would like to see him. You could only talk to your husband and remind him of what he already knows. Reminding him can’t hurt unless you nag him about it. You could explain to him that the children may feel unloved and abandoned when he doesn’t spend time with them. Maybe it will sink in and he will see them more often or maybe it won’t.

    You should keep in mind that your husband has another wife, as well. Your husband may not see the children every day, as he did before when he was monogamous with you. The other wife has a right to spend quality time with her husband, as well. If the children are old enough, it would be good for you to explain to them that their dad has another wife and it is good. Explain to them that their dad needs to spend time with his other family as well. You will all share. Explain to them that it doesn’t mean their dad love them any less – that we as Muslims should share. It’s a good think and we will be rewarded by Allah for the good that we do. I suggest you speak to them about it to let them know it’s our way of life and it’s a good way of life. That way it will help them to not feel any animosity towards their dad and they will come to accept our way of life in Islam.

    I know you’d like to see your husband every day and think that if you live only ten minutes from his other wife, he could stop in and check on you and the kids. You could speak with him about it and if he is willing to do it or not. You are in a better situation than many in polygamous marriages. Some husbands have wives who live in different countries from each other. The husband only sees the wives a few months out of the year or something like it. Some have wives who live in different states. You have a lot to be thankful to Allah for.

    I’ve read in some Islamic material about the life of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) that he saw all his wives daily and spent the night with the one whose turn it was. Remember, as well, he had 9 wives. It would have been a hardship for the wives has he been able to only see each wife every nine days for a day. In the Quran it states he was able to defer the turn of any of his wives, if he liked.

    I’m assuming that you are new to a polygamous marriage. I understand it is very difficult for you. The adjustment takes time and turning to Allah for help with it. You’ll be okay, as long as you remember Allah.

    We are here for you, if you’d like to chat more… Again, it’s nice having you here.

  • UMMI Àishà

    January 16, 2016

    Assalamu alaikum. May Allah bless you abundantly for this forum.pls I will like to know if children too have a share of time in the their father’s life.a situation where the father leaves the house where there are children and goes to spend his two days for example in the new house without checking on them despite the fact that is a ten minutes drive difference. I will like to know if that is justified.Also i want to know what the ruling on the sunnah of the prophet SAW checking on his wives daily stands here. Pls I just want to understand so that I will not feel that the children and i are abandoned at the expense of the new wife.jazakallahu kayran for the clarification.

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All

    Please feel free to comment on the above post, but know that I will not answer questions about individual scenarios. Everyone has a different set of circumstances and it would become too burdensome, and overwhelming for me or others to try to figure out everyone’s situation.

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    asiya, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m happy to be of help. Don’t forget; I help me to – to stay mindful of Allah. By writing here, I’m constantly remembering Him. I stay focused. I love it here. It keeps getting better here. Allah is Great! I thank Him for this blog and for all the wonderful writers here. I thank him for the silent readers, as well. Alhumdulliah!

  • asiya

    January 15, 2016

    Thankyou that was very informative and very helpful I really appreciate your answer
    May Allah bless you and the work you do by helping us here on this blog salumu alaykum

  • asiya

    January 15, 2016

    Assalumu alaykum dear Ana,
    When a husband gets married to a second wife is it expected that he buys her everything that his first wife owns thay he has paid for although it may have take them 6 or more years to attain these items isn’t this expectation wrong expecially if it puts pressure on the husband and the husband is not able to achieve this expectation straight away and second wife is agreeing to marry this man she has a choice

    With fairness to do in this regard what is right and just

    My thoughts are that the husband gets what he is able to at that time and in future he can still can continue to get when he is able not were he is demanded to get everything that his present wife owns for the second wife

    Thankyou