What Muslim Women Need to Know About Polygamy

what Muslim women need to know about polygamyI’ve written what Muslim women need to know about polygamy to try to save them surprise and heartache. Most Muslim women know that Allah allows polygamy for men. However, not many think that it will happen to them.

Some speak to the men about it before they marry. Basically, they want to make sure the men intend not to become polygamous. Some go a step further and put a clause in their marriage contract that says the husband will not become polygamous. Others just assume that the men will not engage in polygamy.

I’ve learned over the years here at polygamy 411 that many women get surprised when their husbands become polygamous. Most didn’t see it coming. They got caught off guard. Nonetheless, it doesn’t matter if he became polygamous secretly or he told her before he did it. Most were in a state of shock when their husbands told them or when they found out on their own.

What Muslim women need to know about polygamy is that there is a good chance that they will be a part of it

It shouldn’t surprise a Muslim woman, if her husband says that he will become polygamous. She needs to think and believe that it may happen. It ought to sink into her mind. She should not dismiss it, but wrap her head around it. It is something that she should take seriously when she is a Muslim.

She should not think that she can avoid being involved in polygamy. Screening the men to find one who says he won’t become polygamous is no guarantee. It won’t make it not happen. The woman who asks him not to become polygamous and the man who agreed to it must not have considered that they don’t know the future. He must not have thought that the way he was thinking and feeling may change over time. Only Allah knows what will happen.

What Muslim women need to know about polygamy is that they can’t run from it

Those who put in their marriage contract that the husband won’t become polygamous didn’t think. No one knows the future. If the man is a believer, he would take a good look at the woman who wants such a clause in the contract. Why would she want to take from him what Allah has made lawful for him (polygamy)? Is she selfish? She definitely is not God-fearing. Allah tells us to not make unlawful what He has made lawful.

Then there is the woman who thinks that love conquers all. The love that she and her husband have for each other would stop him from wanting to partake in polygamy. Many of the women have children by their husbands. They may think that his love for them and the children would prevent him from becoming polygamous. He won’t want more wives. They don’t know that a man could love more than one woman at a time. His love for one doesn’t stop him from wanting to love another or others.

What Muslim women need to know about polygamy is that they can’t stop men from becoming polygamous

Allah who is God decides who will marry whom. He decides our mates alone. Meaning, he decides who one marries, when they marry, and if they will divorce, as well. If she interviews a man and he says that he won’t become polygamous, it’s no guarantee. No marital contract can stop a man from marrying again. Furthermore, love for a woman and his and her children won’t stop some men from marrying again either.

One needs to know that in the Holy Quran Allah says He forgives what is thoughtless in ones oath. It lets us know that sometimes we don’t think before we agree to something. The man must not have thought of Allah when he agreed not to become polygamous. He doesn’t know it, so how could he agree to it? It’s not for a person to think that he can say who, when, what and how.

In conclusion, what Muslim women need to know about polygamy is that they can’t stop becoming a part of a polygamous marriage. If Allah has written it for them, it will happen. Look at the big picture. They need to know their Islam. It includes knowing that Allah decides all things. In essence, we have to go with the flow.

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42 Comments

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2016

    Laylah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    If you are still reading, I wrote a post/thread that, Insha Allah, may be helpful to you and others who have children.

    The link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/wife-children-polygamous-husband/

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2016

    I just reread my post. I made an error. It was supposed to read that most fears are unfounded and are from Satan. I will correct it below.

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2016

    Allah says Satan threatens us with fear. He threatens us with fear of poverty and Allah promises us of His bounties. Most fear are unfounded and are from Satan. The reason I’m harping on this is because what you are saying about fear can set people back from making progress. It’s as though you are Satan up in here.

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2016

    Yes, Allah does say he test us with fear of hunger etc. It’s a test. The emphasis is not on the fear. The test is what will you do when presented with the possibility of not having enough food to eat. Will you stay strong and believe that Allah will provide and give you the sustenance that you need? Will you curse Allah and complain about your condition. Fear is not the focal point there. The test is. Are you saying Allah contradicted Himself or doesn’t know what He talking about when He says fear Him and Him alone? What in the world are you saying???

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2016

    Tawakkul,

    If you want to have fear and hold onto it, good for you. If others want to join you with having fear, wonderful. Allah says in the Holy Quran to fear nothing and no one, but Him. When I feel fear, I recognize it and I see it as not good unless it fear of falling into sin or something that nature – as that is fearing Allah. If it’s not connected to fear of Allah, I try to quash the feeling. I remember Allah and what He say – to fear Him and Him alone. Of course, everyone has fear. It’s what you do with it. Do you remember Allah and stop fearing or do you wallow in it and stay in it? A believer would not linger in fear and make excuses saying that it is okay. It is not okay. A believer believes that Allah will protect her and keep her safe and let nothing happen to her.

    It’s what the problem is. Allah says something so simple as, “Fear ME and ME alone” and some people want to make a mountain out of a molehill. They’ve got to get the scholars and such to tell them what it means. They have to go to all kinds of other sources to figure it out. Allah says in the Holy Quran that He has made the Quran easy to understand and remember. What does it mean?

    I will not encourage anyone here to accept fear and think that it is okay unless it the fear of Allah.

  • Tawakkul

    January 31, 2016

    Anabellah,
    Walaikum Assalam, I understand what you’re trying to say about fear, too much fear Can be bad but let’s be realistic it is natural and normal for human beings to experience fear. The proof is that even the Best of people, the prophets experienced fear, and I guarantee none of us are better or more obedient to Allah then they are, and these ayat are written in the Quran. You should do some research on what the prophet s.a.w had to say about these things himself. If you truly experience no fear what so ever other than for Allah even in aspects that have nothing to do with ibaadah, then alhamdulillah that’s good for you, I’m glad you’ve found a balance in your life, but fear is a natural emotion and a person is not disobedient to Allah or lower than any other Muslim because they experience fear. The important part is what comes from the fear, will they react in a way that is disobedient or will they turn to Allah and seek his aid as the prophets did.

    In fact, Allah says in the Quran that he tests people with fear in order to bring them closer to him. Surah al baqara ayat 155: “Surely we will test you with a bit of FEAR and hunger and loss in wealth and lives and fruit, and give good tidings to the patient” so Allah himself says in the Quran SURELY he will test the believers with fear. Then Allah says, about these people who remain steadfast when tested with fear and other calamities, “upon them will be the blessings and mercy of their Lord, and it is they who are rightly guided. I am humble enough to admit that I experience fear Alhamdulillah it is all a test from Allah, may Allah make it a means for me to get closer to him, and be from the rightly guided as he himself said in the Quran.

    Laylah alhamdulillah I hope the hardships you are facing are a means for Allah to bring you closer to him as well. The prophet s.a.w said that “when Allah wants good for a servant he afflicts him with trials. So we are all being tested and it is known that the harder a trial is and the more a person struggles with it, but continues to seek allah’s aid and turn to him in repentance the greater the reward would be. A person who goes through a trial and struggles, but cries to Allah and remains steadfast then this person will get a greater reward then a person who goes through the same trial but it is not difficult for them. May Allah keep you strong and increase you in good in this life and the hereafter.

  • Tasliyman

    January 31, 2016

    Ana

    It’s a pleasure. Everyone’s journey is different. For me it was a case of reaching such a Iow that I was desperately looking for a way to make things better.

    I believe you have to want to change. You have to want the sadness and hurt to go away. Then you must be willing to make changes to your life so you can start seeing different results.

    It took me a long time to get to this point. But once you get there and start experiencing positive changes you won’t want to go back.

    I had Shaytaan up to his old tricks again today when my husband went away for a while during the day. I was struggling at first, then I realised what was happening, took my attention back to Allah and then I went to take wudhu. It really worked to calm me down and get all the ‘whisperings’ out of my head.

    When my husband came back we continued our day together without any arguments or false accusations like it would have been in the past.

    The sooner you can reach this point the happier you’ll be. In-sha Allah. The Almighty knows best.

  • tara touwen

    January 31, 2016

    and off course we should find mature characters so to be sure that praying and reading koran is most important in the house /team

    maybe first start discussion group with people who are interesting in this kind of experience????
    all dua
    we ask Allaah for great compassion great social skills may allaah safe this world
    in sha allaah

  • tara touwen

    January 31, 2016

    salaam aleikum ummah for great prayer ummah to Allaah for allaah

    constant i was wondering how we can describe the live style with more wifves in one house and we share one husband
    i talked with a family in kashmir in 1997 and they explained it in a very direct way….
    when we make a great family and we all want to get time over for praying and studing the holy quran it will be a must to have more wifes thar can be agreat team and they share all different tasks like cleaning cooking giving education reading quran etc etc etc where do i find people to dothis experience life style?????

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2016

    Tasilyman,

    Thank you for inputting about it. It helps a lot. You all word things differently than I do in a way that some understand better. You summed it up nicely. What you said is all of what I had to do to get to the good place that I am at today. Many here know when I began this blog I was a complete mess. If we make everything all about Allah, He takes us through it. He wants the best for His believing servants. Thank you!

  • Tasliyman

    January 31, 2016

    Laylah

    You’re obviously going through a tough time and I pray you find ease and comfort soon Insha Allah. Ameen.

    By no means do we promote the idea that the husband can do whatever he wants to however he wants to without consequences. From your post I gather that he hurt you badly. We all will be held accountable for our actions to Allah. That includes husbands for the way they treat their wives.

    What you will find here are reminders to focus on Allah and what you can do to make your own life better In-sha Allah.

    All I can add is that you place your trust in Allah. Focus on praising and obeying Allah and also being grateful for everything we have. Give your problems over to Allah to deal with – you focus on being the best you that you can be and take it one day at a time. Reciting the Quran has helped me to find peace in my heart.

    I hope things get better soon.

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2016

    I’m writing this quickly cuz I must run out and do some things.

    People need to get over themselves by taking offense when someone says their faith is weak. All of us are weak in faith. Some Muslims go through what they go through so they can grow in faith. It takes us to the next level.

  • Laylah

    January 31, 2016

    Salaam every one

    Shukraan. To everyone. Tawakkul i really resonated with what you were saying and feel that you understood where I was coming from. Ana I am glad you are in that positive space. Alhamdulillah. Ameen Insha Allah ummof4 . My husband is in Saudi with the other wife. Whom he procured in a fashion that will haunt me for sometime. She is pregnant. I am at home raising and homeschooling my five children. I pray and I try to do what I should. My children never know from me how hard this is. And they always hear that he is wonderful and missing them. The negative aspects and impact of this situation I keep and guard. So their world stays safe and stable. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I try not to be afraid that I am not doing everything right. But from where I am the task before me is so gargantuan. My children…. so precious. It is hard. It just is. Thanks for the chat. I was here last year when I was pregnant. I have a beautiful 7 month old. It was beneficial chatting to you then,as now. I hope you are feeling better Gail. I have a great admiration for you. If its the same Gail?

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2016

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Thank you very much for the EXCELLENT post. Thank you for expounding on the different levels of faith that there are. It is very helpful and much needed. People come here and they are so quick to take offense about thinking they are called unbelievers. They have no idea what they have said. They need to know what faith is. As you said, we should constantly be trying to improve ourselves by increasing our faith. We should all be trying to obtain a higher level of it. If a person just think she’s already a believer, then she’s falling short, as she has nothing more to strive for. I especially like that you pointed out that Allah talks to a hosts of different people when He speak his words – the Quran. The Quran is for all mankind from the beginning of time, for yesterday, today and tomorrow. It’s about all of Allah’s Prophets. It’s about Adam, Moses, Abraham, Joseph, Jesus, Prophet Muhammad and the ones in the Quran whom I didn’t mention. May Allah’s peace and blessings be upon all of them. It’s heavy.

    Alhumdulliah for your most needed, timely post, dear Sis.

  • ummof4

    January 31, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Laylah, you are correct in feeling that this blog speaks to the women and advises them on what they need to do and ignores the men. This is a blog for women. We do need a blog similar to this one for and by men. I don’t feel that we as women will have much success with giving advice to men. A few open-minded men, yes, but most men have egos that are much larger than those of women. They would not listen to advice about polygyny from a group of women. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s a real thing.

    In Islaam, there are three levels of belief.
    1. Muslimah (One who submits her will to the will of Allah) – a woman who is born into a Muslim family and is reared Muslim or declares her shahaadah and becomes a Muslim
    2. Mu’minah – (a true believer) a Muslim woman who strives to be obedient to Allah and studies Islaam to find out what she should do, then implements those things
    3. Muhsinah – (one who is purified)a Mu’minah who worships Allah as if she sees Him, even though she does not, but she knows that He is aware of all that she does

    Every Muslimah should strive her entire life to become a Mu’minah, then a Muhsinah; it’s not easy. It takes constant work and serious effort. Only Allah knows what category each of us is in, but we should never stop trying to increase our level of faith and action. The Qur’aan and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad are our guides.

    In the Qur’aan Allah speaks to different groups of people in different ayats. Some are addressed to disbelievers(kaafiroon); some are addressed to all of mankind(naas); some are addressed to all Muslims; some are addressed to all Mu’minoon(true believers); some are addressed to the wives of Prophet Muhammad; some are addressed to Prophet Muhammad. So we know from the Qur’aan that people are on different levels of belief.

    I pray that Allah guide and bless all of us to be of the Muhsinoon and go straight to Jannah without doing any time in the Jahannum.

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2016

    As Salaamu Alikum & Greeting to All of you :-)

    About fear, I used to be full of fear about many thing over the years, especially when I was non-Muslim and when I was Muslim as well. I got rid of that weight. I unloaded it and I feel free as a bird. How did it happen. It happened by my obeying Allah. As I said Allah in the Holy Quran and throughout the Quran tells us to fear Him and Him alone. I sought out His help to make it happen for me. I thank Him each and every day for making it happen for me. If I had fear, this blog wouldn’t be up today with the people who tried to take my husband’s job away and putting his and my names and personal information out there for the world to see.

    If you want to seek out information to allow you to hold onto your fear and keep it, if you want information to make you feel good about your fear, if you want to pick and choose what you fear, be my guest. Enjoy yourselves. Live a fearFUL life. No one is stopping you. Carry on. It’s not for me. I never want to live in a state of fear ever again. When Allah tells me to fear nothing, but Him. It’s what I do.

  • Tawakkul

    January 31, 2016

    And I’d also like to bring to your attention the situations even with the wives of the prophet s.a.w. They were the best of woman and they had the best husband yet they still struggled with jealousy. There are so many narrations that support this statement. Like when we see the wives of the prophet arguing to the point where the prophet s.a.w had to leave the room, or Aisha throwing food in sauda’s face, or when the wives of the prophet played a trick on the prophet s.a.w because they were jealous of him enjoying safia’s honey, Aisha breaking the plate of another wife, or some of them speaking not so politely about one another. Even though they were the best of woman, and had the strongest in iman they still struggled with jealousy every once in a while so for someone to say that their iman is so strong and they fear Allah so much that they have no jealousy for their husband at all and they never mess up, then that would make them better than the wives of the prophet, and that just not possible. Allah has created everyone with a different temperament and different inclinations. We were not created like the Angels so we are going to mess up at times, No human is free of sins that’s why Allah says the best of people who sin are those who make tawbah. So Leyla don’t beat yourself up if you find yourself struggling sometimes, it’s not meant to be easy, the jihad of the woman Is in her home, some woman will react to situations differently, that doesn’t make anyone better or worse than the other so long as they stay patient and turn to Allah for help. And of course Allah made divorce halal for us so that if a situation gets to be too much of a burden then that option is there and that’s from the mercy of Allah.

  • Tawakkul

    January 31, 2016

    Assalamu alaikum sister Annabella’s and Leyla
    I understand where sister anabellah was trying to go with this article, I’ve already expressed my personal concerns about it. Sister Leyla there is nothing haram about you being scared, it’s natural and we all experience fear. And I’ve included proof from the Quran and sunnah below.

    There are four different types of fear, in fact there are four types. Fear for other than Allah only becomes haram when it has to do with ibaadah, for example fearing Jesus rather than fearing Allah, this would be haram and disobedient. But natural fear like fear of oppression, or an unjust ruler is normal and it’s halal, only when this fear pushes someone to disobey Allah than it becomes bad, for example if a woman is scared of being harmed by the kuffar while living in a non Muslim country so because of this fear she doesn’t wear hijab, the outcome of this fear would be disobedient but the fear itself is not disobedient or haram.

    Some examples of this in the Quran is Musa’s fear of firaun in Surah al Qasas ayat numbers 18 , 21, 33, 34 amongst others. Musa feared the oppression of firaun but he was not sinning his fear was 100% halal. Also prophet ya’qub was scared of the actions of his sons when he let Yusuf go with them, also the prophet Muhammad s.a.w was scared of being betrayed in Surah anfal. these are just a few examples from the Quran where the prophets, who are the most pious people feared others than Allah. This is just to prove my point that when Allah says to fear no other than him it applies to situations of specific ibaadah.

    So my point is that it’s not disobedient for a woman to fear polygamy and try to avoid it, unless she goes about it in a way that is not permissible. Like threatening to take a mans kids away if he goes through with a second marriage or something like this. But there is nothing wrong with being scared.

  • Laylah

    January 31, 2016

    Salaam Shukraan for your response Ana and Gail. I am not against polygamy. Nor am I an unbeliever. Yes we should only fear Allah, what should be and what is , well… I think we really need to understand that Islam is also for those flawed of us who really struggle in this lifestyle. Ana I used to follow your earlier blogs, it was quite a journey to get where you are. This post and your subsequent comment lend credence to the fact that if you are not accepting you are not believing properly? I don’t agree. So many male counterparts do this exact thing robbing a woman of a right to her humanity. And the right to be flawed. Yes those things you say are true, but not always applicable not initially as you know. And that’s ok. Allah is benificent, merciful. The more we struggle and try the more we are rewarded, but we have to acknowledge that the struggle exists. Having fear is not disbelief, it’s human nature and we turn to Allah for help that is why he is there right? Anyway, the reason I brought up the fact that thd article is unbalanced is because the point you made is valid, men don’t usually read these things. Although my husband did and told me about you all. The fact that they don’t is THE REASON you should include a mans role also. You see , this article made me feel hopeless. We are the main educators in our home, since time immemorial. So you have illustrated what I should be and do, what should I be expecting from my husband? Do you understand?I believe yes in facilitating change in ourselves I am with you there 100% but also, if following on from your article your husband still loves you as he can love multiple women, we can Insha Allah communicate a balanced expectation. What I am finding is this is new for them too. So while you are striving too have sabr he is struggling, making mistakes , doing things wrong. There needs to be a right way and a wrong way even in theory, and I for one want to know what that is. How does your husband find remorse if you can’t say to him, there was a better way. Ana you really need to understand the depth of the role you play. My husband read your blogs. They conveyed to him that he could fulfill the need for another wife in which ever way he chose, and it was a horrendous mess of a way. I on the other hand need to always have sabr, govern my actions etc. Its not about schooling the men one way the women someplace else, its about balance and Allah knows best about who believes and who doesn’t. Imaan can only be judged by Allah. We are the leaders in our home. Men are clueless. Who changes that? We do. Islam came to empower us. Free us as women. I read your article and feel disenfranchised of those rights because the sole expectation is on me to make things work no matter what he does. I just don’t think that is fair. I was really discouraged by this article.

  • Gail

    January 30, 2016

    Laylah,

    I really liked your post and u were spot on how things should be hypothetically but lets face it the majority of the time a man seeks polygamy he is sneaking around behind the 1st wife back and doing it.Also as Ana said the men are not here looking for answers or to learn about how to go about Polygamy with dignity and respect.I think the majority could careless to be frank.They are the problem to be frank.
    The wives also take the bait that the man is telling them like he don’t want the wives to meet or he tries to keep one as a secret wife etc… Most men are clueless about how to deal with the emotional side of polygamy.

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2016

    Laylah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome and thank you for sharing your views :-)

    I understand how you think my writings are one-sided. On the other hand, you need to understand that I am writing to the ladies here who would like to accept polygamy. We are not here to talk about what is wrong with the men. We can’t do anything about what is wrong with them. We could sit here all day and night, weeks, months and years bellyaching about how bad and unjust men who engage in polygamy are. What good does it do the ladies here??? All it would accomplish is to make the ladies here more bitter, angry, and jaded than they already are, if, in fact, they are. We want to help women here. Talking about the negativity associated with the men doesn’t help unless the woman is relating her story so we have an idea what is happening with her and her marriage. We are not here speaking to men. We speak to the women here.

    Let’s say, for instance, you are right that women react negatively to polygamy, and try to circumvent it out of fear. I’m sure you are correct that many do. Does it make it right? Allah says in the Holy Quran and throughout the Holy Quran that we are to fear no one and nothing but HIM, Allah who is God. I’m not about to say that Allah is wrong. If anyone fears anything other than Allah when He tells us not to, then, they are disobeying Allah, aren’t they? A Muslim’s faith is weak, if she or he does what Allah tell him or her not to do. A Muslim/Believer constantly tries to better her or himself – tries to obey Allah. She doesn’t make excuses or say it can’t be done.

    Regarding your other statement, it may help if a woman who joins an existing family by marrying a married man did so by approaching the other wife with dignity and respect before the marriage occurres. Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen that way most of the time. The husbands may not encourage it. The first wife may not want to meet the other woman. The woman who will marry second may be feeling some insecurities etc as well, and doesn’t want to meet the other. Each wife has her own set of circumstances and reasons for reacting to the polygamous situation that they are in.

    You said there should be some responsibility placed on the man. Maybe it would help if you put something together online for the men so that you could school them on their responsibilities. Go teach them. They aren’t here, with us on this blog trying to educated. If you think there is a need for them to be informed and make changes, put something together, bring them together and teach them.

    Everyone must account to Allah for what they do. A wife can speak to her husband about her concerns, if she is having problems with him or the co-wife. She has other remedies available to her that are mentioned in the Quran, if their differences can’t be resolved. Divorce is one of them. No one here has said a woman can’t and shouldn’t divorce if she is unhappy and she wants it. Most women here don’t want a divorce. They want to stay married to their husbands and others want to stay married to their husbands AND accept all that is in the Holy Quran.

    I don’t make anything up about Satan, his whispers and the effect that he has on people. I speak solely from the Holy Quran about it. It’s real.

    You are correct that polygamy is not a lifestyle for everyone. If a person is in a polygamous marriage, Allah put the person in it. No one can do anything unless Allah wills it to happen. Only He has power. He decides all things. He selected our mates for us. If you don’t believe it, then sorry. I can’t help you. Allah hasn’t given everyone understanding.

    Thank you for your take on things.

  • Laylah

    January 30, 2016

    Asalaam u alaikum. The article is a good one. As always Ana. I just feel like , it is really one sided. Filled with so much of what a woman should understand? How about…. women react negatively to polygamy or try to circumvent it … out of fear. Not because they are babd believers. There is a fundamental problem here. In terms of respect, integrity, concern, consciensciousness and general good conduct. That needs to be addressed. For instance, how many first wives would not be more open to a hostile free relationship with a co wife, if that woman saw fit to approach her with dignity and respect before the marriage occurred. My question , ladies is that if you are being asked to fulfill the most difficult role in your life to date, there needs to be some responsibility placed on the man and his prospective new partner to approach the matter sensitively and too grin and bear some first wife psycho mood swings. Not because you are the spawn of Satan, because you are human. I don’t think you are not having Sabr if you decide to scream… This is hard! I think you are having sabr if you, a modern woman born into Cinderella monogamy with prince Charming, face the daunting challenge of polygamy… and stay. Too much emphasis is placed on his right to do this or that…. I say it is easier to accept the rights accorded to a man by Almighty Allah, when equal emphasis is placed on the rights our creator has given us. The right to divorce if we are unhappy. So we have a right to hapiness. The right to acknowledge that polygamy isn’t a lifestyle for everyone and that’s okay. Bigup to those that can. And if you can’t, you aren’t evil, just human. Anyway that’s my take on things…

  • Gail

    January 30, 2016

    Selma,

    I read your post and happy to see u are making the transition just fine into polygamy.I hope u and your children are doing much better.Sorry your husband left u in a mess when he went to Yemen to remarry.

  • ummof4

    January 30, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Selma, your last post brought tears to my eyes. It is such a blessing for me to be part of this beautiful online sisterhood here at polygamy411.com.

    Alhamdulillah that we are doing what we were ordered to do by Allah – be a single sisterhood and help each other in times of need.

    May Allah grant us all Jannatul Firdaus.

  • Tawakkul

    January 30, 2016

    Assalamu alaikum Selma
    You are so brave and strong, may Allah continue to keep you steadfast throughout this journey you are on. This is one of my favorite quotes from the hadiths of the prophet s.a.w “the hearts are between two of Allah’s Fingers, He changes them (as He wills)” alhamdulillah no matter how harsh a calamity may seem Allah has the power to make it easy on us and make our hearts content and calm. We just have to remember to trust in the will of Allah, believe that he is truly the best to take care of our affairs, and remember that he will never burden a soul beyond what they can handle. May Allah make it easy for you not to have just any sabr but sabrun Jameel inshallah which is the ultimate type of patience.

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2016

    Selma, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Your post touched my heart. You are such an inspiration for all of us here. You are a strong, beautiful person. I pray for you all the wonderful things you prayed for all of us. Alhumdulliah! I’m so happy you are here. Thanks for all your kind words. You’re doing so well.

    I know your family is so impressed with you and proud. You’re doing all the right things by making it all about Allah. He promises us so many wonderful things and his promises are true. He wrote the script for each of us. All we have to do is go with it. It means submit to His will. When we submit our will to Allah, we have no will. God bless you, my dear sister

  • Selma

    January 29, 2016

    Salaam dear sister’s thanks for all the comfort and advice it’s true it’s just the beginning but I hope by Allah’s will I will try to keep going not pay attention to the whispers of satan and persevere and pray a lot and praise Allah plenty so my heart can remain calm so far it’s working I never got angry at him or cursed him or questioned him why he left I just told him I’m your trust be fair cause you will answer to Allah one day and now he just asks me how am I and the kid’s I say we are doing good he tries to play games with me by telling me I’m this and that and she’s nothing compared to me I immediately told him to stop playing games you must be saying the same thing to the other and stop backbiting your wife so he stoped alhamdallah and I’m just trying to focus on my worship and children alhamdallah it’s working I thought I would go coocoo after him but somehow this weird coldness came down I became hard no emotions it’s weird but true hey I’m not complaining it’s better than the sadness I use to feel and anxiety before he married so far so good I’m trying to think positive and praying is what helped me and continuously praising Allah is what calmed my heart and made me open my eyes to reality don’t rely on no one but Allah I will definitely keep you girls updated on what’s going on but the advice I got it All I’ve been reading on this site for 3 years and have become a pro in understanding polygamy thanks to sister Anna and the wonderful sisters who write about there experiences I’ve learned a lot and on top of that studying the quran hadith and what ever has to do with patience of mind body and heart at hard times it’s paid off so far my family members say I took it better then they thought I would they don’t know what I’ve been doing for the past couple of years battling my thoughts heart and reality but alhamdallah life is a test I just hope I’m passing once again love hugs and kisses for all the lovely sisters here and a special prayer for sister Anna who made this site possible may Allah bless and shower you with his goodness and mercy and may your reward be the beautifulist heaven for inventing and making this a positive haven for sisters in need from the worst calamity that can actually befall a sister is her husband taking another I ask Allah to remove from all sisters the negative feelings that comes from polygamy Jazakm Allah khair

  • ummof4

    January 29, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Selma, it sounds as if you’re doing fine. But as Ana says, you may be on a roller coaster ride for a while. Or you may be cruising down a lazy river on a raft, just chilling. Either way, remember to always keep Allah first and don’t neglect yourself. We’re here for you if you need us.

    Much love to all om this blessed Jum’uah.

  • Jasmina

    January 29, 2016

    Selma

    I hope you are okay. I’m thinking of you. I remember when my husband got married, he didn’t tell me, one of his relatives told me. There was some doubt in my mind but it was true and I think everything around me slowed down.

    It goes away.

    I hope your husband will be a good polygamous husband inshallah. It takes time for the men to adjust as well so be easy on him, they make the most mistakes and then wonder why there’s drama urgh.

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2016

    Selma, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    So he did it, huh. At least you know it’s not the end of the world. You got many here to let you know it. We’re all still alive and kicking. Remember one of my favorite mottos – whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I’m a firm believer of it.

    You have a good attitude. Trust in Allah that He will take care of you. He is the only ONE who can. No one else can do it. He uses people as vehicles to carry out His will at times. It seems others are bringing good to us, but it’s all Allah. Believe that He wants the best for His believing servant and be one. You’ll be good to go.

    At anytime you want to talk, we’re here for you. At the beginning stage of polygamy, we could feel that all is good with us and then we take a turn in the opposite direction. Then the roller coaster ride begins when you’re up and down and up and down. You don’t know which way is up. It’s how it usually goes. There are always exceptions to the rule. Insha Allah, stay with us and share your journey {{{hugs}}}

  • Selma

    January 28, 2016

    Salaam sister Anna it’s me I’m back just wanted to let you know my husband is polygamous he went home to Yemen and married a 20 year old from the village I got upset the first couple days but by the week I’m fine alhamdallah he left me and the kid’s in a mess and went off to start a new family in Yemen I’m doing good not bad at all I thought I’d be worse but alhamdallah my feelings are very sane life goes on and there’s more important things to life then just thinking about a husband and his wife’s I hope Allah calms down the hearts of every female that goes thru polygamy any ways how are you sister Anna in sha Allah fine and may Allah bless you with his goodness and mercy

  • Number4

    January 26, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh,

    Sisters I see a lot of these post where women are saluting or protecting the man’s position in polygamy. I think that we need to salute ourselves. It takes strong women to handle this type of marriage. I’m glad that when I met my husband for the first time, he informed me of his having three other wives. There are not many women who would choose to enter polygamy and for those of us who do I t with full disclosure, well we are strong and our husbands should understand that.

    Men could never do what we do, on a daily basis.
    I have met women who say they love more than one man at a time, I never believed that bc love is so fulfilling and intense, I don’t quite understand that you can love more than one person.

    I don’t know if men can do that, that’s not for me to know, but clearly, polygamous men get catered to on many levels so it isn’t difficult to travel between spouses, it meets their desires for whatever reasons,polygamy isn’t mandatory, it’s a choice. There are some Muslim men that only want monogamy and that’s their choice.

    Allah knows best.

  • Tawakkul

    January 25, 2016

    You need to EDUCATE yourself before you start posting on the Internet. I would like to inform you that there are many great scholars who believe that is is HALAL for a woman to anticipate in her marriage contract that her husband will not marry another woman and if she does then she has a right to divorce. Of those scholars who follow this opinion are Ibn qudaamah, shaykh uthaymeen, Imam Ahmed, shaykh saalih al fawzan and there are others. In fact some scholars even say that the daughters of the prophet s.a.w had this condition!!!!!!! So for you to say that any woman who makes such a condition is selfish is not your place and she has the right to choose whether she wants to be in a polygamous marriage or not. At the end of the day it’s her life and if there is nothing haram about this and if the man agrees then he is OBLIIGATED to fulfill his promise. There is nothing selfish about wanting a husband who comes home every evening and sees his children. There is nothing selfish about wanting to avoid unnecessary marital issues, depression, anxiety, self consciousness, jealousy and dealing with a much greater risk of divorce. Every person is different and everyone has different temperaments. Some women can handle polygamy and others can’t. It’s better for a woman to understand her own feelings before getting married so that if she knows she would never be able to function in a polygamous marriage then she can make that decision from the very beginning. And you people are absolutely disgusting for judging so blatantly without even attempting to understand.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2016

    Carissa,

    Thank you very much for clarifying. I thought to ask cuz I was a bit confused, but Just went ahead and wrote. I’m sorry.

    I thought with IVF the child would be the husband and the wife’s. I thought it had something to do with freezing the eggs. I don’t know anything about it. I know it has been discussed on the blog by others, but I don’t pay attention to it.

    I think like you, you won’t marry a child that you raised like your son or daughter. It’s ludicrous. The person who does such a thing would have to be a perverted lunatic. Sometimes Muslims make our religion difficult. Allah said he does not want our religion to be difficult for us.

  • Carissa

    January 23, 2016

    Sorry, I guess I needed to be more clear I guess. He has two sons. He first wife and he had twin daughters that they lost in infancy. His family actually values girls more than boys. I guess because there is so many more boys than girls. Thier girls tend to be spoiled, but in a good way. I knew in adoption, I would still be the lone wolf with the family, my sister in law has five kids with her husband and she says she is only just starting to feel a part of the family. His reason is that if I become the child’s milk mother then the child would be Mahram to me if it was a boy, Mahram to him if it was a girl. I tried to explain, I could nor would marry a child I raised. So to me, he would be Mahram anyway. IVF might be an option. I just have a lot if maternal instincts and would love to have a little one of our own. Though we have lots of family here with babies. And my nephew in paticular thinks of me as his second mother. He comes up to me when he has a poopy diaper and sits in my lap. Thanks kid. LOL. He knows I will change him. :-)

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2016

    Why does he have to have a male heir? What’s wrong with the females that he has? It’s the problem. Many Muslim think a female is worthless. Not everyone is going to have a male heir. They used to bury female babies. It’s way sad the mentality that still exists in Muslims that a female is a piece of trash or something to have sex with or be a maid. SMH

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2016

    Carissa,

    Adopting a child is okay in Islam, so I don’t know what your husband is talking about that you’d have to breast feed it for it to be Mahram. Regardless of how you look at it the child wouldn’t be yours biological child whether you breastfeed it or not. Women can be foster parents in Islam. Why can’t they adopt children? Are these people that are saying one can’t adopt children saying that one can’t take children as orphans and raise them??? It’s bizarre, if you ask me.

    If you were to adopt a child you’d still be seen as a “lone wolf” because it wouldn’t be your husband’s child. So, adopting isn’t the answer unless you just want to take care of a kid. I don’t know what nationality or country you and your husband are from. It sounds to be a lot of cultural stuff going on that is not Islam.

    I suggest you just leave it alone. He was married for 32 years and has two kids as a result of the marriage. He should be happy with them. If he wants another wife, let him tell you that he does and let him go find one. It’s not for you to try to figure it out. You shouldn’t be worrying about him having another wife or children. Allah doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear. We put the additional burden on ourselves. You’re putting a burden on yourself by thinking that you won’t be able to have a child; by trying to get a child by any means necessary (for example adopting); and by meddling in his business about him becoming polygamous. You need to try to accept Allah’s decision whether it’s for you to have a child or not. If you have the money go do IVF – I think it’s what it is??? or something else. Have you looked into what could possibly be preventing you from having a child other than it’s what Allah wants for you right now? I’d say stop trying to control things and let them naturally unfold. If anything, see if there is a medical reason preventing you and him from making a child. Those are my thoughts about it.

  • Carissa

    January 22, 2016

    Very true, it would crush me if he married and they had a baby together, and I was still the lone wolf. Lucky he had two kids who survived from his first marriage which lasted 32 years. So the need to produce an heir so to speak is not as strong. I have even thought to adopt so that I was not the only lone wolf. It would be a bonding thing. But he has the idea I would have to breastfeed the baby to make it Mahram for us in our old age. But I tried to explain, what if they are three or four or more? That would never work. I would not want him to marry just to have another child. But if we met someone that needed protection, or a family and he had the means, then who am I to say no. I know it would not be easy. It is Jihad for a reason. But I thought long and hard before deciding to be a second. Though I told the man that his wife had to agree. He wanted to wait until I got in country before he told her. I had told him if she demanded a divorce, I was out, because I would not break up his family. I ended up deciding he could not be fair even if he tried….. I mentioned to my husband about his very good friends sister who is single having given her life to take care of aging parents and now above typical marrying age in their culture. I said what if you felt that you could give her the relationship between a husband a wife she had never had? He argued that if his friend had wanted him to marry his sister he would have mentioned his sister when me was looking for a wife. Which is true. Then I thought, why am I arguing about this? Do I really want to share? Of course not! So I just wanted him to realize there might be good reasons for polygamy. It’s been many months since I brought it up. I will let him to continue to think what ever he thinks that makes him so opposed to it.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2016

    Carissa,

    I don’t think it is selfish of you to accept that your husband has a second wife so that he could have a baby with her. It’s a selfless act to be willing to accept it. You sound not to be opposed to polygamy for your husband. I see, however, how you could see it as you accepting polygamy only so he could have a child with her, especially since you put a clause in your marriage contract that you could divorce, if he becomes polygamous. As you already know, you have to make sure that you’re okay with polygamy for the right reasons. For instance, if you were to find out you’re pregnant now, would you still be okay with him having another wife? You have to be sure in your heart what is going on.

    I don’t think it will make matters better for you if he marries another and has a baby by him. Those people who you say don’t recognize a marriage unless it produces children, may incline towards the other wife. You’ll still be the “lone wolf” so to speak. Who is to say the other wife will accept you? She may superficially accept you to get the husband. Once she gets emotionally invested in him, has the baby and those people start accepting her and him as being married/marriage, his other wife may tell you to go fly a kite. She may not want anything to do with you. She may show you a whole entirely different side of her. She’ll feel she has the upper-hand and leverage. It makes some people arrogant. It’s all speculation, but you should be prepared for it to be a possibility.

  • Carissa

    January 22, 2016

    Our agreement is that if he choses to marry another, I have a right to divorce. But that is my only clause to demand a divorce. Other wise I must seek to end the marriage on my own. But honestly, as long as I am given my rights, including my own house I don’t see me wanting to ask for a divorce. He could be fair I suspect. I don’t think it would be right to say no to a second wife when I was willing to be a second wife. We used to have arguements. It was so stupid. I do stand by a man’s right to more than one wife. Not saying I would not be jealous, because I would. I guess I just feel this Jihad might be easier for me than the one I have, which is almost three years and no baby. And at my age I doubt it will ever happen. Feeling like a lone wolf is very hard. Everyone here is related to someone else. I am the only one I know here with out a genetic connection. Plus it doesn’t help his family doesn’t consider you married unless you have kids. So yea, so maybe it is selfish of me to accept a second wife for my husband if it meant us having a baby together. :-)

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2016

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Thank you for expounding, Sis. Yep, a lot of the women think they could control their fate. Some just assume and they get a RUDE awakening. Some husband cause women to fall asleep saying they’d never want to be polygamous; one wife is good enough for them. Little do they know…

    I get you when you said you were receptive to polygyny before being in a polygamous marriage. I used to have somewhat liberal views about male/female relationship but

    That sister was very selfish who told your husz to unload you and get a new model. You were very kind in speaking of her. It’s very admirable of you. I say she was a flaming @$$ hole and much more Swearing smiley face

  • ummof4

    January 22, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, this post serves a reminder to all. As I stated several years ago when I first came on the blog, I have been okay with polygyny from a young age before I even became Muslim. Unfortunately, many women are of the opinion that a man cannot care for and love more than one woman.MEN CAN CARE FOR AND LOVE MORE THAN ONE WOMAN AT A TIME!!! I agree with you that Muslims who put the “No Polygyny” clause in their marriage contract are only living for the moment and are selfish. The woman feels that she will control the man by using this clause, and the man feels that if he doesn’t agree to this clause, the woman will not marry him. The woman says, “I just know that I will not be able to live in a polygynous marriage” – she feels she can predict the future. The man says, “I will never have two wives, one is enough for me” – he feels he can predict the future as well.

    How a person feels one day can change the next day. Let’s stop predicting the future and live our lives in obedience to Allah (Subhana wa ta’alaa – glorified and exalted is HE). If polygyny happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. My marriage has been monogamous, polygynous, monogamous, polygynous over the past 40 years- it’s been quite a ride. My husband never told me he would not be polygynous and I never asked him to be monogamous.

    What is interesting is that at his age, women are regularly asking him to consider them for marriage, knowing that he is already married (He is on linked in and other professional sites). There was one sister a few years ago, who was 38 years old and wanted to marry him. She said, “you have already been married to her for 38 years, that’s long enough. So why don’t you just divorce her and marry me?” Needless to say, he didn’t marry her, but I did respect the sister for speaking her mind, and saying upfront what her intentions were.

    May Allah grant all of us a blessed Jum’uah.